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kingedwardvi · 4 years ago

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Calendar of State Papers Foreign: Edward VI 1547-1553

1549.

1548–9. Jan. 4. (Brabant style.) Antwerp. The Magistrates of Antwerp to the Lord Protector and the Council. Their intervention has been besought by James Van Maseyck and Hubert Calnwaert, their fellow-citizens, in behalf of their partner and other fellow-citizen, William Van Eertwyck, who has been arrested in London, and is in danger of his life for having in his possession letters of licence from his Majesty, ascertained to be forged, but which he purchased in ignorance thereof for the sum of 100 pounds of Flanders money from Bernard Rubiis, public money-lender here. Send herewith certified copies of the judicial proceedings against the said Bernard Rubiis, and requesting that suit against Eertwyck may be stayed, &c. [Latin. One page.]

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Jan. 7. Antwerp. Batoryk [Borthwick ?] to the Lord Protector. Refers to some marriage and exchange of property. The French king makes certain preparations for the defence of Scotland. Propounds a plan for eradicating Papismus by transferring the Kirklands to gentlemen's hands. Intends to depart to-morrow, and to get favourable letters from the King of Denmark to the French King to deliver the gentlemen of the castle of St. Andrew's according to the promise made to them by the Prince of Capua. [One page and a half. Much effaced by damp.]

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Jan. 10. Brussels. The Emperor Charles V. d notre tres chier et bien amé Messire Guillme Paget, Chev de lordre et Contreroler d' Angleterre. Credentials of M. Francis Vanderdilst, his Ambassador, on resuming his functions in England. [One page.]

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Jan. 17. Augsburg. Same to King Edward VI. Supporting the claims of certain citizens of Lubeck for the value of a vessel impressed by King Henry VIII. during his war with the French King, and for which indemnity had been promised. [One page.]

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Jan. 20. Instructions for John Dymock sent to the Duke of Lunenburg, the Count of Oldenburg, and others, for the purpose of levying more soldiers under Courtpening. His Majesty offers to bestow on the Duke and the Count a pension of 1,500 crowns each, and has taken the son of the former into his service, and to be trained in his Court, with a pension of 500 crowns. [Sixteen pages. Draft.]

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Jan. 24. Bremen. The Senate of Bremen to King Edward VI. Their reply has been communicated in writing to John Brend, his Majesty's Ambassador. They will take care that none of their citizens shall supply the Scots with munitions or provisions; reserving, however, their traffic with Ireland. Request the loan for a few years of 5,000 or 6,000 talents sterling. [Latin. One page.]

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Jan. 25. Brussels. Emanuel Philibert, Prince of Piedmont and Duke of Savoy, to the Lord Protector. Recommends the bearer, Aleram, son of Boarel, Marquis d'Ancise, one of his vassals, who desires to be employed in the service of the King of England. [French. Broadside.]

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Jan. 31. Gaspar de Figueredo, Portuguese Ambassador, to the same. Complains that a person from whom he had hired a house will not give him possession, and requests his Grace's interference. [Latin. One page.]

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Feb. 23. Paris. Dr. Wotton to the same. On the 1st of this month the French Queen was brought a-bed of a fine boy. Hears that the King of Portugal, the Duke of Ferrara, and the Queen Dowager of Scotland are to be his sponsors; and that the King has sent expressly to the Emperor and the Bishop of Rome to intimate the birth. Monluc, who it is said is to be President of the Council in Scotland, has not yet left. M. de Thermes is here also, but reported as soon to go to Scotland, and M. d'Essé is to come home.

Divers captains come out of Provence for Scotland. Pietro Strozzi is at the Court again. Hears that the French King has news of the safe arrival of the Provenceaux in Scotland, and that in the beginning of next March 2,000 more men are to be sent there.

It is said that Berwick, which they reckon easy to be won, is to be besieged the first thing this year. Hears that the French King has renewed a league with the Swiss. Of late has been a great fray in this Court, connected with the rival claims of the families of De la Val and Andelot to the inheritance of certain estates, the particulars of which he gives at length.

Had on the 11th received his Grace's letter of the 3d inst. Fitzgarret being still about the Court, the bearer of this, Henry King, brought the priest to him; what they have done and how they have sped, they can best declare to his Grace.

Had spoken with Fitzgarret at his earnest desire; if his tongue and his heart agree, he is most anxious to return home. Trusts that his conversation with him may have somewhat confirmed him in that purpose, and he would fain it might be very shortly, for such causes as the said priest can declare unto his Grace.

Fitzgarret himself says that undoubtedly the French King sends another aid to Scotland next month, and those that are to go are hasted to Brittany. [Three pages; partly in cipher, deciphered. Printed by Tytler, except the portion in cipher, Vol. i., p. 156.]

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March 24. Hamburg. John Dymock to the Council. Has been requested by some Lords of this city to introduce the bearer, who seeks redress for articles taken from some merchants here by Sir Andrew Dudley, whose note of hand bears that they were taken for the King's use.

Unless this is seen to, does not see how he can procure any ships for the King's service, so many similar grievances being complained of. Enumerates the articles and the ships from which they have been taken. [Two pages.]

--- March 24. Hamburg. John Dymock to the Lord Protector. The Earl of Oldenburg will not serve for less than what he received from the French King, viz., 2,000 crowns for himself, and the same sum for the entertainment of 12 captains. Thinks the Earl of Mansfeldt and his son have persuaded him to this. Had been to the Duke of Brunswick at the castle of Harburg on the 18th; after much persuasion he agrees to serve for 1,500 crowns. Determined opposition to the Interim in these parts. Necessity for increasing the pay of the mercenaries. Question as to the transmission of horses and men to England. The city of Wittenberg and castle of Turgo have been delivered to King Ferdinand by Duke Maurice. [Four pages. Partly printed by Tytler, Vol. i., p. 161.]

--- 1549. March 25. Hamburg. Same to the Lord Protector and the Council. As to the seizure for his Majesty's use of a vessel laden with salt fish belonging to some merchant of the Hanse Towns. [One page. Much defaced.]

--- March 28. Hamburg. Same to same. Sends by a special messenger to ascertain their pleasure on the various points contained in his letters of 16th and 24th inst., and recapitulates at great length his interviews and negotiations as to supply of ships and men. [Six pages and a half.]

--- April 6. Westminster. The Council to Sir Philip Hoby. Had received his letters of 31st March and 1st and 2d April. Are much gratified by the Emperor giving licence for soldiers to enter the King's service, his evil taking of the Frenchmen passing through his pale, and his promises of support in case of any invasion by the French.

Desire him to return their hearty thanks to the Emperor, and to ask if he will permit some of the soldiers to pass by four, five, or six, file a file, by land to Calais, where it is intended to employ them as occasion serves.

Also to thank Mons. D'Arras, Mons. Monfauconet, Mons. De Rie, the Ambassador from Florence, and others his Majesty's good friends and willers. Desire him to explain the cause of the wants of Boulogne and the disorders there, which are now all settled.

Should liberty be given for the soldiers to pass by land, he is instantly to apprize Dymock. If Captain Ventura will serve the King on the same terms as other Italians, they are willing to treat with him for himself and 200 footmen. [Two pages. Draft.]

April 11. Bremen. John Dymock to Sir Philip Hoby, Knight and Ambassador for the King's Majesty in the Emperor's Court. Has received his letter of the 25th March. Has done all that in him lies with the Lords of Bremen and Hamburg, but at no hand can have grant for ships or liberty to bring strange vessels into their ports, so as to convey men to England.

Has since then been to the Lady of Embden with like want of success, so that he has been unable to engage any soldiers, but he upholds them with good words until he can ascertain the pleasure of the Council.

All fear that after the arrival of his son in Brussels the Emperor will attack these countries. The Rhinegrave has laboured much by the King of Denmark with the Lords of Hamburg and Bremen, and has threatened, that if they allow any men to be conveyed out of their rivers, both the King of Denmark and the French King will capture their ships wherever they find them.

By means of a merchant is to get four great ships, which shall go to the Elbe and wait there 20 days for whatever lading shall come aboard of them. Has also sent to Amsterdam to freight other four ships in like manner. Within the same space will see to collect his men, and with 20 small vessels have them all taken aboard at one tide. Can have horsemen enough, but their freight will be very chargeable; besides they will not serve under five dollars per diem for every horse and man.

Requests him to write to the Protector to arrange for his drawing upon some merchant at Antwerp for 2,000l. sterling to be repaid there, as he fears he shall not have money enough to pay a whole month's wages, bounty, and victualling the ships, which will cost about 700l. or 800l. sterling. Farther financial details and suggestions. All the cities and towns here are busy fortifying themselves. Hopes he may come to a good end in this journey, as it is too weighty for one man alone to compass these things. [Three pages.]

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April 17. [Westminster.] The Council to Sir Philip Hoby, Knight and Ambassador for the King's Majesty in the Emperor's Court. Instructing him to communicate with the Emperor in regard to the suppression of a horde of pirates some 20 sail strong, composed of lawless men of all nations, who have been ravaging the coast of Ireland as well as spoiling some of the Emperor's subjects. In regard of the subsidy to his Majesty granted in the last Parliament, the subjects of the Emperor residing in England shall be treated as heretofore they have been under similar grants. [Three pages. Draft.]

--- April 18. Hamburg. John Dymock to the Lord Protector and the Council. Has received their letters of 25th March and 1st April. The soldiers cannot be conveyed to England in either of the ways which they propose. Neither can he get the ships for the Elbe, the Lords of Bremen having had knowledge of his design and stayed them.

Can devise no manner of transport, unless they can have leave from the Emperor for the men to pass through the Low Countries, or arrest as many hoys on the Thames as will serve for the number of men, and send them on the Elbe or the Weser, when he will find means to ship them. If they desire to keep Duke Otho's men in their service, they must somewhat amend his son's living, or else help him out of debt and let him return to his father, as 500 crowns are not sufficient to maintain him in England. [Two pages.]

---- April 20. Antwerp. William Dansell to the Lord Protector. Sends packet from John Dymock at Bremen, who desires its instant despatch, and to know whether Dansell has orders to supply him with money for the King's service. Has provided such munitions as he had charge to do; and has acquired money sufficient to pay the King's debt, due on 20th May, at 13 per cent., without taking any goods with it.

If more money be wanted for his Majesty, he can procure to the extent of 100,000l. for 14 per cent., without taking any wares with it; this is not overmuch, as the Emperor himself even to his own subjects pays 15, 16, and often 18 per cent. [One page.]

--- April 24. Harburg. John Dymock to the Lord Protector. Letter of credence for Andries Ryenhorde, Chancellor to Duke Otho of Lunenburg, sent to England upon business of his master. [One page.]

--- April 25. Greenwich. The Council to William Dansell. Have received his letter of the 20th, and replied to Dymock by the inclosed. Lazarus Tucker has informed them by Bruno that he expects payment on the 15th of May, the day on which the money is due, or else that he shall have notice before then that the King will take longer day; wherefore desire him to arrange with Tucker for the continuance of the loan at 12 per cent. Decline to borrow more at the per-centage mentioned in his letter, and show how the Emperor's financial arrangements are made, in a manner very different from that of the King's Majesty. [Two pages. Draft.]

--- April 27. Hamburg. John Dymock to the Lord Protector and the Council. His difficulties are entirely from want of ships, which if he had, his men would be ready in ten days, and be embarked at one tide. Constant trafficking goes on between the Kings of France and Denmark, the Rhinegrave, and others.

The post which he sent into Denmark to Sir John Borthwick has returned bringing back his letters, as Sir John had left the King's Court and gone to Sweden; but he has written to him by a post sent from the Lords of these cities to the King of Sweden, and is in expectation daily of a reply.

The King of Denmark, being much ruled by his Councillors, who are all imperialists, will receive the Interim, and has written to the Lords of Hamburg that they should do the like. It is reported that the Duke of Wirtemberg has received the Interim, and his subjects have raised against him 16,000 men, who carry a black ensign, having on one side a crucifix and on the other a plough. Captain Hackford has sent to offer men on certain terms; if they accept them, they must order money to be sent from Antwerp. [Four pages.]

--- April 29. Greenwich. The Council to William Dansell. Inform him that Charles de Guevara, a Spaniard, has engaged to conduct hither 100 horsemen, to be at Calais by the 7th of June, and desire him to advance to the said Guevara a certain sum (left blank), taking security for its repayment in case the contract shall not be fulfilled. Also to pay to a certain Albanois in prest for him and other 30 Albanois an amount (likewise left blank). [One page. Draft.]

--- May 5. Hamburg. John Dymock to the Lord Protector and the Council. Has this day their letter of the 13th ult., the bearer having been fruitlessly detained at Brussels. Will do his best to procure the full number of 2,000 men, whom he will send by sea, having obtained the good will of the Lords of Hamburg to embark them within seven leagues of Hamburg, but they do not wish this to be known.

Desires to know his Majesty's pleasure whether those sent by land shall remain at Boulogne and so on to Scotland, and whether the others shall go by ship to Berwick or Boulogne, because he hears that the French King will have to do with Boulogne this summer with a great company, only that the Emperor do let him of his pass.

Brings with him a very good captain and a tall man as leader and governor of these men, in case anything should happen to Courtpening. Does not know what Courtpening means by allowing so many soldiers to come away daily, as they do; and those who come give such evil report of him, that all are loth to serve under him.

Recommends that he and Mr. Brend should be written to. If his Majesty wants 300 horsemen well appointed to come by water, Anthony Rassow, Governor of one of Duke Ollof of Holstein's towns on the sea coast, will gladly serve on the same terms as Captain Hackford has, and asks three French crown on every horse till he arrives in England. Has paid Duke Otho of Lunenburg his half year's pension. [Two pages.]

---- May 6. [Hamburg.] Same to same. To the like effect, and almost in the same terms as the preceding letter. Courtpening much complained of, "for it is said that men there are more ordered like beasts than Christians, both in the scarcity of victuals and payment." The Duke of Holstein is named Hans, not Ollof. [Three pages, considerably injured.]

--- May 11. Hamburg. Same to same. Has received their letters of the 25th April. Because Sir Philip Hoby has only got passport for 500 men, Dymock has the good will of the Lords here to wink at his embarking his soldiers at Friburg, seven leagues hence. The name of the captain who is to accompany them is Walderdon. Hackford is well known here, and little esteemed but to be a great braggart.

He has in his company under him the Earl of Ritburgh, whom Dymock knows very well to be a great mutineer; for he served before Boulogne with Eytel Wolff, and what ado he made there is not unknown to some of their Lordships. Has this morning been sent for to Lubeck, by one of the Lords there, because of the arrival at Holy-haven, eight leagues distant therefrom, of a large Scottish ship, with much munition and 80 men and a Lord, who is now in Lubeck, and intends to land all kind of munition for the wars. Wishes it were possible to disappoint him, both of his ship and his goods, with the help of the said Lords. [Two pages and a half.]

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May 25. Greenwich. Minute of Council to William Dansell. Inform him that they have bargained with John Cooke for 500 quintals of saltpetre, and 1,000 harquebuses, after the Italian sort. Direct him to try the harquebuses, and, if found good, to pay Cooke on their arrival in England, as certified by Sir Michael Stanhope's letter to Cooke. [One page.]

--- May 25. Greenwich. Minute from Sir Michael Stanhope to Cooke. According to his letter of the 18th has moved the Protector, who directs that payment for the saltpetre and harquebuses shall be made to him by Mr. Dansell. Likewise for the "Colen cliffs," according as his Grace has written for the demi-lances; "those which be of the old form will do no man service, no man here will wear them, and therefore it shall be but loss to send them." Farther, with reference to the provision of bullion. [One page.]

--- May 25. Antwerp. William Dansell to the Lord Protector. Is much grieved to find by the letter of his Grace, sanctioned by the other Lords of the Council, that his doings should have been taken in such ill part when he considered himself rather entitled to thanks. Recapitulates his dealings with Lazarus Tucker, as certified by his letter of the 3d inst., and enters into full explanations as to the supply of money and delivery of the bullion purchased by Thomas Gresham and him from Tucker for the advantage of the realm, in refutation of the rumour in London alluded to in the Council's letter of the 17th. Refers to his letter of the 17th. The prices of various kerseys, lead, and bell-metal suggested to be sent, if the money payable in September is not to remain at interest for another year. The prices asked by Cooke for the saltpetre and harquebuses are higher than those for which the same are offered to Dansell. [Seven pages.]

(continues next)

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gimme-more-caffeine · 5 years ago

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This is from my old blog, I honestly LOVE lists (and writing in bullets for some strange reason). Random and sporadic on topics and the numbers have NO MEANING. I'm NOT ordering them from most fave to least fave, just how they come to mind.

Also keynotes: Favorites doesn't always mean Favorites just what I enjoy the most. And there will be duplication at times

(Side note: Let's update this list from before as it's been two years and see what has changed. * means updated)

-Me- (Just little stuff I figured I'd do. Wasn't even supposed to be a list XD) 1. I'm a Major Introvert, I don't like to socialize with others in real life and prefer to do so online 2. I'm a major procrastinator 3. I mainly work nights so I get to sleep during the day 4. I want to make more friends online yet I have a hard time reaching out. The last time I interacted online was on DeviantArt and FFN years ago 5. I'm pretty much online all day/night on my nights off 6. Eye doctors have told me I have a rare blue-grey-green hazel (Is it true that it’s rare I don’t know) eyes so they tend to change between these three colors or be a mixture at times. Lately I think my eyes are just grey which takes on different green and/or blue shades

-Books-

Favorite Authors 1. Nora Roberts/JD Robb 2. Jayne Ann Krentz/Jayne Castle/Amanda Quick 3. Gena Showalter (I mainly read her Lords of the Underworld series and only read one book that wasn't part of this series so she's not getting a Favorite list sadly) 4. Anna Windsor (I've only read one series of hers so I'm not including her in the books list) 5. Christine Feehan* (I mainly only like one of her series so she's not listed)

Favorite Series from Nora Roberts 1. Bride Quartet 2. McKade Brothers 3. In the Garden Trilogy 4. Dream Trilogy 5. Three Sisters Island Trilogy 6. Key Trilogy 7. Cousins O'Dwyer Trilogy 8. The Donovan Legacy

Favorite Books from In Death (Limiting myself up to Ten) 1. Divided in Death (My first ever In Death book so it holds a strong place in my heart) 2. Innocent in Death 3. Memory in Death 4. Visions in Death 5. Imitation in Death 6. Conspiracy in Death 7. Strangers in Death 8. Treachery in Death 9. New York to Dallas 10. Creation in Death

Favorite Books from Nora Roberts (Limiting myself to Fifteen) 1. Black Hills 2. The Obsession 3. The Witness 4. Carnal Innocence 5. River's End 6. Tribute 7. Carolina Moon 8. Birthright 9. Three Fates 10. The Liar 11. The Search 12. The Villa 13. Angels Fall 14. Time Was 15. Times Change

Favorite Books from Jayne Ann Krentz 1. All Night Long (The first I ever Read and thus holds a special place in my heart) 2. Sizzle and Burn 3. Running Hot 4. In Too Deep 5. Copper Beach 6. Trust No One 7. River Road 8. Witch Craft 9. White Lies 10. Light in Shadow

Favorite Books from Amanda Quick 1. The Third Circle 2. The Perfect Poison 3. Second Sight 4. Crystal Gardens 5. The Mystery Woman 6. Quicksilver 7. The River Knows

Favorite Books from Jayne Castle 1. Obsidian Prey 2. Dark Light 3. The Lost Night 4. Midnight Crystal 5. Canyons of Night

Favorite NON-Romance Books 1. Hope was Here 2. Z for Zacharia 3. Lord of the Flies (Yes, I actually like the chaos that happened. I'm probably messed up for that) 4. The Other Boleyn Girl 5. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (The ONLY book I like from the Harry Potter series) 6. 13 Reasons Why (I deeply enjoy the book and read during my teens) 7. By These Ten Bones 8. The Giver 9. Lovely Bones

-Disney/Animated Movies-

Favorite "Popular" Disney Movies 1. Mulan 2. Zootopia 3. Big Hero 6 4. Tarzan 5. The Lion King 6. 101 Dalmations 7. Bambi 8. Pocahontas 9. The Princess and the Frog 10. Frozen 11. The Little Mermaid 12. Lilo and Stitch 13. Lady and the Tramp 14. The Hunchback of Notre Dame 15. The Nightmare Before Christmas (Yes this is Disney as Tim Burton worked for them during this time. I checked to make sure)

Favorite "Underrated" Disney Movies 1. Treasure Planet 2. Oliver and Company 3. Atlantis: The Lost Empire 4. Home on the Range 5. The Black Cauldron 6. The Sword in the Stone 7. Hercules 8. Meet the Robinsons 9. Emporer's New Groove 10. Robin Hood 11. A Goofy Movie 12. The Fox and the Hound 13. Aristocats 14. James and the Giant Peach (Yes this is considered Disney, I checked) 15. The Rescuers 16. Descendents 17. Brother Bear 18. Dinosaur

Favorite Sequels 1. Mulan 2 (Yes I like this when everyone seems to hate this) 2. Lion King 2 3. Cinderella 3 (I consider this to be an actual sequel, the other one felt more like short stories) 4. Beauty and the Beast: An Enchanted Christmas 5. Bambi 2 6. The Fox and the Hound 2 7. The Rescuer's Down Under 8. Aladdin and The King of Thieves 9. Pocahontas 2 10. 101 Dalmatians 2 11. Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure 12. An Extremely Goofy Movie

Favorite Series (Expect this one to be long and I'm including Jetix too) 1. The House of Mouse 2. Dinosaurs (I never even knew this!) 3. Bill Nye the Science Guy (SERIOUSLY, This guy was DISNEY?!) 4. Duck Tales 5. Gargoyles 6. TaleSpin 7. Darkwing Duck 8. Quack Pack 9. Timon and Pumba 10. 101 Dalmations 11. Recess 12. Hercules 13. PB&J Otter 14. Teacher's Pet 15. Filmore! 16. Disney's Mighty Ducks 17. The Legend of Tarzan 18. Kim Possible 19. Pucca 20. Lilo and Stitch: The Series 21. Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go! 22. W.I.T.C.H. 23. American Dragon: Jake Long 24. Yin Yang Yo! 25. Descendents: Wicked World

Favorite NON-Disney Movies 1. Anastasia 2. All Dogs go to Heaven 2 3. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron 4. American Tail 2: Fivel Goes West 5. Prince of Egypt 6. The Last Unicorn 7. The Secret of NIMH 8. Wakko's Wish 9. Quest for Camelot 10. Balto 11. The Pebble and the Penguin 12. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut 13. Scooby Doo on Zombie Island 14. Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost 15. The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island

-Youtube-

Youtubers/Channels I mainly watch (Limiting myself to Ten): 1. MLP-Silver-Quill 2. Night Mind* 3. Rekaita Law* (Hey it's entertaining as hell and I love watching him rant) 4. FoundFlix* 5. joshscorcher 6. FOB Equestria 7. That Creepy Reading* 8. Top5s 9. The Theorizer 10. SuperHorrorBro*

Generalization of what I watch on Youtube 1. Let's Plays 2. Song Covers 3. MLP Analysis stuff (NOT the series, only the analysis community) 4. Horror/Paranormal/Urban Legend stuff 5. Movie/Game Theories 6. Anime/Movie parodies 7. Horror Explanations (Movies and video games lately)* 8. Abridged Shows/Parodies

-Music-

Favorite Disney Movie Songs/Scores (As in IN the movie, Credit songs don't count unless they're the same song as in the movie. LONG LIST AHEAD) 1. Hellfire - Hunchback of Notre Dame 2. Why Should I Worry - Oliver and Company 3. I'm Still Here - Treasure Planet 4. Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas 5. Savages - Pocahontas 6. Make a Man out of You - Mulan 7. What's this? - Nightmare before Christmas 8. This is Halloween - Nightmare before Christmas 9. Court of Miracles - Hunchback of Notre Dame 10. You'll be in My Heart - Tarzan 11. Son of Man - Tarzan 12. Strangers Like Me - Tarzan 13. Farewell - Pocahontas 14. Short Hair - Mulan 15. Eye to Eye - A Goofy Movie 16. Stand Out - A Goofy Movie 17. After Today - A Goofy Movie 18. Topsy Turvy - Hunchback of Notre Dame 19. Try Everything - Zootopia 20. I Wanna be Like Other Girls - Mulan 2 21. Good Doggy, No Bone - Fox and the Hound 2 22. Lesson Number One - Mulan 2

Favorite Disney Covers 1. Hellfire - Jonathan Young 2. Can You Feel the Love Tonight - Elton John (Yes I see that as a cover as it's not the one from the movie but the credits) 3. Can You Feel the Love Tonight - Sara Paxton 4. Hawaiian Roller Coaster - Penicillin 5. Heigh-Ho - CASCADE 6. Supercalifragilisticexpialadotious - THE KIDDIE (Hope I spelt the song right... It's too damn long) 7. This is Halloween - Marilyn Manson 8. Kiss the Girl - Ashley Tisdale 9. You'll be in my Heart - Celtic Woman 10. Be Prepared - Jonathan Young* (Jonathan Young covers a lot of Disney songs I like so I'll leave it at that instead of listing all the covers I like)

Favorite Parody Songs 1. Brooklyn Rage - YGOTAS (Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series) Parodying: Poker Face by Lady Gaga 2. Pharaoh's Throne - YGOTAS Parodying: Telephone by Lady Gaga 3. Make a Man out of You - DBZAbridge 4. Leather Pants - YGOTAS Parodying: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga 5. U Can't Touch Lani - Lanipator Parodying: U Can't Touch This 6. Without Yugi - YGOTAS Parodying: Without Me by Eminem 7. Paraboss - YGOTAS BBT Movie Parodying: ??? by ??? (Someone told me it was Lady Gaga's Paraboss song but I can't find that) 8. Stronger - YGOTAS BBT Movie Parodying Harder, Better, Faster Stronger by Daft Punk 9. It's Your Move - YGOTAS Parodying: Tik Tok by Ke$ha

Genres I listen to 1. 80s 2. Different forms of Rock (Alternative, Symphonic, Metal, etc) 3. Anime Music 4. Disney Songs (Usually more from the movies) 5. Dance/Techno 6. Covers/Remixes

-Movies-

Favorite Movies (Limiting myself up to Fifty) 1. Titanic 2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Again, the only movie I liked from the Harry Potter franchise) 3. Avatar (Yes I know this was like 95% CGI but it still had physical people in it so I'm not putting it in CGI category) 4. Jumanji 5. Fluke 6. Godzilla (98. This is my FAVORITE Godzilla movie. I just loved the design of Godzilla and the animated show that came as a result) 7. Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton's version. I'm probably one of the few who enjoyed this) 8. SPEED 9. 13 Ghosts 10. Ghost Ship 11. Poseidon (The one from the 2000s) 12. Flight 93 13. United 93 14. World Trade Center 15. Iron Jawed Angels 16. How the Grinch Stole Christmas 17. Matilda 18. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (A classic that shall never die) 19. Beetlejuice 20. The Dark Knight 21. Home Alone 3 22. Deadpool 23. Casper 24. Addams Family Values 25. The Hollow 26. Jurassic World 27. Dragon Heart (I cry like a bitch during the ending) 28. Angels in the Outfield 29. The Mask 30. Hocus Pocus 31. Mortal Kombat 32. The Grinch (2018 version)*

Favorite CGI and Claymation movies (Because I can't tell the difference between the two. And the CGI is for ALL Computer generation and WITHOUT physical people. This includes DreamWorks) 1. Rise of the Guardians 2. Megamind 3. Corpse Bride 4. Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children 5. James and the Giant Peach 6. Nightmare Before Christmas 7. Coraline 8. Dinosaur 9. Shrek 2 10. Kung Fu Panda 2 11. Sherman and Mr. Peabody

-Anime-

Animes I like before finding out they were Anime 1. Oban Star Racers 2. Shinzo

Favorite Animes (Limiting myself up to Thirty) 1. Kuroko no Basket 2. Fruits Basket 3. Yu-Gi-Oh 4. Yu Yu Hakusho 5. Samurai Deeper Kyo 6. Bleach 7. Gravitation 8. Junjo Romantica 9. Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi 10. Princess Tutu 11. Slayers 12. Supernatural the Anime 13. Free! 14. Persona 4 15. Digimon 16. Inuyasha 17. Pokemon 18. Case Closed

Favorite NON-Animes (That can pass for anime style, at least what I think could pass) 1. Teen Titans (Not that shit Teen Titans Go) 2. Avatar the Last Airbender (I have not seen Korra. Also on a side note, this used to be in the anime section on Fanfiction.net when it first came out) 3. Samurai Jack 4. Ben 10 - Ben 10 Omniverse (Basically I mean anything BEFORE Ben 10 Omniverse) 5. Generator Rex 6. Powerpuff Girls Z 7. Code Lyoko

Favorite Voice Actors (Doing Japanese and English since I know very few XD Forgive my spelling errors) 1. Todd Haberkorn 2. Dan Greene 3. Johnny Yong Bosch 4. Vic Mignogna 5. Daisuke Namikawa 6. Konishi Katsuyuki 7. Romi Park 8. Yuri Lowenthral 9. Steve Staley 10. Cam Clarke 11. Greg Ayers* 12. Jerry Jewell 13. Eric Vale 14. Dave Wittenberg* 15. Tara Strong

-Mythology/Supernatural

Favorite Myths 1. The Jersey Devil 2. Hades/Persephone Myth

Favorite NON-Humanoid Magical/Mythical/Supernatural Creatures 1. Unicorn 2. Qilin/Krilin 3. Dragon 4. Cerberus (I can't find the official name) 5. The Jersey Devil 6. Perryton 7. Pegasus

Favorite Humanoid Magical/Mythical/Supernatural Creatures 1. Mermaid 2. Harpy 3. Centaur 4. Siren (Both winged and finned kinds)

-Random/One Category stuff-

Favorite Comedians 1. Gabriel Iglesias 2. Jeff Dunham 3. Bill Engvall 4. Jeff Foxworthy

Favorite Animals 1. Cats 2. Foxes 3. Wolves 4. Dogs 5. Ferrets* 6. Stoats* 7. Bats*

Favorite Foods 1. Buffalo Chicken Pizza (No Bleu Cheese, ONLY RANCH) 2. Beef Fajitas 3. Crunchwrap Supreme (I love Taco Bell!!) 4. Triple Chocolate Cake

Favorite Drinks 1. Peach Tea Snapple 2. Cherry Coke/Pepsi 3. Shirley Temple 4. Pure Leaf Unsweetened Tea 5. Strawberry Lemonade 6. Cherry Lemonade 7. Pure Leaf Peach Tea 8. Pure Leaf Fuji Apple Ginger Tea 9. Pure Leaf Cherry Hibiscus Tea*

#my stuff #my lists #lists

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libidomechanica · 2 years ago

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“Because thou are sweet contempt the night”

A kimo sequence

I ate you urg’d that he did frown, O! The merchants of his fair guests were on her dying. She strong.

If I leave of the way home. Because thou are sweet contempt the night. Imagine things that we mean.

Which filled my middle jimp wi’ a haw bayberry kame; the flood-gates breath with a strand.-House no more.

’ He cries, these ladies cough loudly Thenot, my wrath did end. It, so we fall in all here my hands.

There was not she that made one—turn downs in clear expansion. Unto whom remain, lust’s winter’s tale?

Of asphodel, for you in words, per day. Answer, nor they crickets of despair, I should vanished.

In vain—and every presence. Who, like a gull passing by but shall still the many times begun.

To feed his mariners, and so forgets I will not match his pricked eares? Of his desire.

And read a lawny loom and I make, for perchance, excepting some seed is gone. And happy breast.

Reviewed the bels, ye yon bonny bowers. Thus he that has it, at least know me; no fishes take.

Leave of the year’s first Mrs. Thou twin’d me of some sweetest has a kiss I gave me, and pursuit.

But mine own with her daughters, to gathers, like a river or a war? Two lines of wake behind.

A hill and lamb. Thou canst not with knight is part museum of the design, i, who sail sae royallie.

With the view, by all passion doth borrow; her eyes. With the fruitful Grape than sadden after sea.

Ten kisses such a n active counted high. Which gives me you the globe, we have an equal share.

His pleasure. ’ Why, what our neighbour there appear more be grieved appear, why heart, and scarlot berries.

That suckling flames the best that Time decays? Dreaming when I fall by name. Ne though the diamond fine.

Tis beauty in Loves Wars to yeild. The Almighty will receives her children’s cries, Forsooth, let go!

With soul just nerved to allot each too much glory: and when I passed a man with facts. The rest.

Through a commentator’s fantasy, and cauld, Gregory. On my adventure brave and his fume.

Beauty hold my right had veild the Winter’s dead, the honeybees to die. You do it for us.

That ruin wild and chastities sweet bowre. More than her: the eye and he embraced the seasons run?

Lord Gregory, the dwarfs and blow, and there. He there? Are over my head: her arms in love with me.

A cliff swinging against a glance at Maud in all these sneers again; whose the best interpreters.

Me thus—Poor Man! For your Suppliants plaint, caused others such a beauteous day, and, on thee, Cynara!

Dead religion meets my shrink. If in my breast, and that for the more sweet seals in my wax-red lips.

Of fire. To do a goddess when their scratch’d by the brown earthquake: they would twine about a welcome.

Me, and their husband. Often and the sun and sole your shield, whereat she will not knowing weather.

With the religion of the pit? It would have spoken the umbrage of iron the hectic stings!

A little him a goodly dost abhor me? Blythe in that concerns you in the fashion all things.

—So you reported before my Eyes take. A trentall sung. Of men, and urchins flay each other.

And being gone, not a breath breathing, the grocery man calling plied and silly mild, make the fray.

Torches are marries that won’t look back again. Prayer, or two had damp’d his national: if Pindar?

Horrible, hatefully the door. But when most I wink, then despond: the staring rust the soul.

And eke ye light wrestling through the Eyes be blind. Watercress so finely spring I shall we?

But the cup before me? Think of me untrodden on by many, for it is a hierarchy!

Lighting conflict of heauens, the birds say? Some hands and with reefs which made head, gained grounde to qualify.

Whose present her hearts doo chace from heaven. Today i’m filled with his melting snows, and pay them not.

Which through rusty gowns, but when my soul believe? ’Tis a common one, in hand with the maiden Aunt.

Among them. For he is no gentle wished days had passe. The purblind hare, mark the poet here?

Eyes, ears took in the heroic if you’d have gone to secure in your hand lie fallen to dust.

Stamp and scorns and thou speak out. Thou canst not gladly to be grateful divorced old bar above you.

That the sun beats light the themes in every partial. Who caper here and grave low down by his sight?

Sing ye sweet-smelling. At tend vpon her husband sense and waive the Rose-leaf of her Eyes with tremble?

For me than white, her has to pay. Lifted o’er of deep enough to sorrow to shew his glory.

So much good companie. The text is look’d about the while its cool underwater for a magnet.

The one doth hearts as light blown by Desires, and dare not drawn from time the Blest. We had of love.

Of sorrow may not beg the linger? Do you ask what that godless climes and wave thy skill, and give!

The low rational: if Pindar? Glow like weeds against the trees of silver- set; about our master!

’Er pleasance too bold, but yet betoken’d wrack to come, comfort. Meantime we two will never bleach.

She looks reviveth; a smile of betters. Since brass, or a greater than I am; the disgrace.

A wind sings, and your eccho ring. The velvet cushions for a throates, the which the woods them all!

Sometimes in one minute, but it is with thee wrong.—And they not be easily harm’d; being proud.

#poetry #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Markov chains #Markov chain length: 7 #156 texts #kimo

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gduncan969 · 3 years ago

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Practical Love

John 21: 15 -17 15 So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Feed My lambs.”

16 He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Tend My sheep.”

17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep.

Two weeks ago I officiated at my granddaughter, Gillian’s marriage to her fiancé, Mark, joining them in the “holy bond of matrimony” as my minister’s service book describes it. The essential part of any wedding service—“Do you take this woman/this man...repeat after me, I take thee...I now pronounce you husband and wife”—takes all of about ten minutes so there’s ample time for the minister to spend a few moments speaking to everyone in attendance about what a Christian marriage is and more importantly, the gospel message that is its foundation. Wedding services are typically attended by some who may never have heard the gospel or may have become lukewarm to its life-changing message, so it presents a welcome opportunity to tell them how God loves them and has made provision for them to become His through the death and resurrection of His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. But how do you fit that into a marriage ceremony that can be completed in under ten minutes? The mother of the bride (my daughter) told me I had ten minutes to preach but no more. My reaction was that “sermonettes” are for “Christianettes” and I have no time for either so I spent some time pondering what I would say and how short I would take to say it. Here are some of my thoughts.

God’s Reason For Marriage

Christian marriage is a commitment before God to love another person so intently and so intensely that you become one with them for the rest of your life. Both Matthew and Mark record the words of Jesus who said about marriage: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5 and Mark 10:7). Most Christians, whether married or single, are familiar with this scripture but if you ask them what’s the reason Jesus is referring to i.e. what’s the reason a man will leave his father and mother, they are uncertain how to answer and that uncertainty is one of the reasons why so many married Christians end up in the divorce courts today. Marriage in this “enlightened” society we now live in has been degraded to an agreement between two people of the same or opposite sex to live together as long as they both shall love and the promises they make to each other are to be kept as long as they both agree to keep them. Is it any wonder that more than half of all couples live together before marriage and most of those never get around to marrying anyway because it is an institution that binds people legally to each other for no purpose other than to make it expensive to separate, so why bother. The “reason” Jesus was referring to in Matthew and Mark is found right at the beginning of the bible in Genesis 2: 21 -24.

21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.

22 Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.

23 And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”

24 Therefore (FOR THIS REASON—added) a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

My guess is that Adam took one look at Eve and immediately said, “Wow! She’s mine. She was taken out of me and I want her back where she belongs.” I’m also sure Eve was googly-eyed by what she heard him say and how he said it. (A Christian medical doctor once explained to me that men are aroused by what they see and women by what they hear—a lesson husbands and wives should pay attention to. It also explains why the current pandemic of pornography affects almost entirely men). Now, there’s much more to Christian marriage than physical attraction so what do you tell a young couple about to be married about how to love each other? The apostle Paul puts it this way: (Ephesians 2:25-28, 33)

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,

27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.

33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Practical Love

The above verses instruct all married couples to love one another but what does that mean in practical terms. The English word “love” is so broad in meaning that it has to be connected to the object to be loved before we can get a sense of what it means to say I love something or someone. I love bananas; I love golf; I love my dog; I love my cottage by the lake; I love my wife and kids; in every case the object being loved is needed to explain what kind of love we are talking about but this is where things get can get tricky for newlyweds (and a lot of oldweds too)! When we describe the love young couples have for each other, we think in terms of Romance—a word rooted in the days of chivalry when knights of old treated the ladies with all the respect and decorum they deserve. Romantic love is brim-full of the affection each has for the other but there’s a lot more to practical (biblical) love than affection and the difference is found in the conversation Jesus had with Peter after He had been raised from the dead.

The verses from John 21:15-17 at the beginning of this article show Jesus asking Peter three times, “Do you Love me?” but it doesn’t explain why he asks. Considering that Jesus had just risen from the dead and appeared to the disciples a few times, we might guess the first time Jesus appeared to Peter (John 20:19) it must surely have caused Peter some very anxious moments. Here was Jesus alive in the flesh a few days after he had denied Him three times in the garden (John 18: 17, 25, 26) and worse still, it says in Matthew 26:72, Peter denied him with cursing! I’m sure when Jesus appeared in their midst the first time, Peter looked around for a hole to crawl into. So, it is understandable that Peter would be feeling very awkward when Jesus asked him three times, “Do you love me?”. “Is Jesus still angry with me for denying Him with curses, does He still doubt that I love Him?” he must have thought, so three times he reassures Jesus that he loves Him while struggling with why Jesus was questioning him. Was Jesus being a little sadistic and cruel, maybe trying to get His own back on the traitor who cursed Him? Of course not! That’s as far as the east is from the west in Jesus’ nature.

Jesus was teaching Peter a lesson about practical love and it’s a lesson for all young newlyweds and the rest of us too. To explain this, we need to get around the vagueness of the English word “Love”. The first time Jesus asked Peter (verse 15), “Do you love me..” he uses the Greek word Agape—“Peter, do you agape me?” Agape love is sacrificial love where you love someone enough to lay down your life for them even when they don’t deserve it and it expects no reward for doing so! Agape love is always associated with action. Peter doesn’t get the message and responds with, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you” but his word for love is phileo—meaning great affection. “Yes, Lord, you know that you are very dear to me and I have the greatest affection for you,” to which Jesus responds “Feed my lambs”, a response which seems somehow disconnected from the matter in hand—does Peter love Jesus? Verse 16 repeats the whole process and Peter still doesn’t get the message because he’s still thinking Jesus doubts what great affection Peter has for Him. Once again, the Lord responds with “Feed my sheep”. Verse 17 repeats the whole process for the third time but with one important change: Jesus asks the third time, “Peter do you Phileo me?” (essentially asking “Peter are we still friends?”) and Peter responds as before but now he’s really upset because it’s becoming obvious to him that Jesus doesn’t believe him. But once again, Jesus responds with His seemingly disconnected request, ”Feed my sheep”.

What’s going on here and what does it say to newlyweds and the rest of us? It is this: JESUS IS VERY PLEASED THAT WE HAVE GREAT AFFECTION FOR HIM BUT IF WE REALLY WANT TO LOVE HIM, GET OUT THERE IN THE DIRT AND SQUALOR AND DAILY GRIND AND FEED HIS SHEEP! Feeling great affection for Him is not enough unless it motivates us to do the work he has called us to do. For newlyweds, having great affection for each other won’t be enough later on when the baby’s diaper is full and it’s not your turn to change it but you’re the only one around! Great affection may not cover a husband who won’t lower the toilet seat and it won’t cover a cheating husband who is found out and repentant. Our affections are very much tied to our emotions and emotions can be very fickle when crises come—and come they will! Jesus wanted Peter (and the rest of us) to understand that we can only really love Him by feeding His sheep and doing that means living for others no matter how we feel. As a pastor, I was once asked what’s the worst thing about being a pastor? With tongue in cheek I answered: “having to work with Christians!” On some days, my tongue would not have been in my cheek because Christians as a group can be some of the most cantankerous you will ever meet but then again, they are also the most loving. For all those who say they love Jesus, who say they believe in Him, who sing His praises and read his bible but fail to ACT on His behalf, they are among those of whom the Lord speaks in Matthew 15:8 “These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, But their heart is far from Me.” Remember the ten lepers Jesus healed and how only one returned to give thanks. Ten were healed but only one was saved. The other nine no doubt thought very highly of Him and perhaps had great affection for Him but it didn’t produce any works for Him. James puts it more succinctly in James 2:20 “..faith without works is dead”.

All of us who seek to follow the Lord Jesus because we love Him must accept the challenge that loving Him brings. There is a great malaise in the western Church today, beautifully explained in the book by Mark Buchanan “Your Church Is Too Safe” (Zondervan 2012) where he details how we have slid into the morass of self-interest and a “feel-good” mentality which largely excludes sacrificial (agape) love and stays clear of the dirt and squalor in much of modern life. Our churches are, indeed, too safe but that makes them only more lifeless. Another pastor friend once explained that a church can either be a morgue where everything is neat and tidy and in place but dead or it can be an emergency ward where the floor and walls are blood-spattered but the room is full of action, full of life. Which one do you belong to?

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charliejrogers · 7 years ago

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Best of 2017

Below is my list of the 40 best movies of 2017. Why 40? Because that’s all the movies I saw. In full disclosure, I have a life and must attend school so I didn’t get to see every notable release this year, so if you’re wondering why Thor: Ragnorok, Coco, Mother!, Jumanji, Justice League, I Tonya, Disaster Arist, or Blade Runner aren’t on the list… it’s because I didn’t get to see them. And also in full disclosure, I did get to watch the first half of Battle of the Sexes but fell asleep for the second half. That fact is not indicative of that film’s quality - I was just really tired when I saw it - but it didn’t feel right rating a movie I’d only seen the first half of. So without further ado, here’s my list.

0.5/4.0 Stars

40 The Little Hours

1.5/4.0 Stars

39 Guardians of the Galaxy 2

2.0/4.0 Stars

38 Beauty & the Beast

37 Okja

2.5/4.0 Stars

36 The Trip to Spain

35 A Ghost Story

34 Kong: Skull Island

33 Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

32 Dunkirk

31 Logan Lucky

30 American Made

29 Lost City of Z

28 Phantom Thread

3.0/4.0 Stars

27 It

26 Lady Macbeth

25 Ingrid Goes West

24 Call Me By Your Name

23 Spider-Man: Homecoming

22 Detroit

21 Brad’s Status

20 Logan

19 Wind River

18 War for the Planet of the Apes

3.5/4.0 Stars

17 Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

16 The Meyerowitz Stories: New and Selected

15 Get Out

14 The Post

13 Wonder Woman

12 The Lego Batman Movie

11 Darkest Hour

10 The Beguiled

9 Mudbound

8 Shape of Water

4.0/4.0 Stars

7 Sanctuary

6 The Big Sick

5 The Florida Project

4 Baby Driver

3 Columbus

2 Good Time

1 Lady Bird

Do you disagree with the list? Well check out below to see my thoughts on each of the films.

40 The Little Hours

This movie is wholly terrible. It’s jokes include extended sequences of rape, sexual manipulation, and cruel beatings. Please don’t let the truly all-star cast fool you, this movie sucks.

Movies that had probably had some great scenes but were overall not satisfying: (1.5-2 stars)

39 Guardians of the Galaxy 2

The sophomore slump hit Star Lord & co. hard. Compared to the grand set pieces of the first film, the isolated focus on Quill and his father really hindered the fun, action-packed hi-jinks fans expected from the first film. The soundtrack almost single handedly prevented this from being an outright terrible movie.

38 Beauty & the Beast

It will be interesting in the long run to compare the quality of these live-action remakes to the animated originals. Jungle Book was great, but it helped that it’s source material was a superficial 60s musical with lots of room for expansion. Beauty & the Beast was heralded as a masterpiece back in 1991, even being nominated for an Oscar for best picture. Not best animated picture. BEST PICTURE. The Emma Watson version? Not so much. It’s boring.

37 Okja

Snowpiercer is an awesome movie. It’s perfectly paced world building combined beautifully with its creative action sequences (creative both in terms of plotting and in filming). The second English-language film from director Bong Joon-Ho? Nowhere as good. Maybe I’m too jaded… but I didn’t feel any real connection to the titular Beast (the hippo/cow named Okja) or the dangers it faced. And Tilda Swinton (who was fantastic in Snowpiercer) is too abrasive and, frankly, too odd to be taken seriously as a person. And that’s to say nothing of Jake Gyllenhal’s lunatic of a character. Skip it.

Just shy of being good, but are Solid movies.(2.5 stars)

36 The Trip to Spain

It’s kind of hard to fault Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon in any meaningful way, since anyone who has seen the first two movies in this trilogy knows exactly what to expect (and really, who but anyone who has seen the first two movies would see this?). They know to expect impressions of famous British actors by two very talented impression artists. They know to expect two actors playing irritatingly arrogant caricatures of themselves. And they know to expect a movie devoid of plot, purpose, and interesting dialogue. That said, you come for the impressions, and Coogan and Brydon will always deliver on those (Mick Jagger and David Bowie being my two favorite additions to the duo’s repertoire.) just don’t expect much else.

35 A Ghost Story

This whole movie seemed to walk the line between a solid indie movie and a parody of a self-important movie. The central gimmick of the film involves Casey Affleck spending the vast majority of the film under a white sheet following his character’s death as the character’s ghost continues to pine after a love lost. When the film focuses on the futility of grief (particular in scenes where Rooney Mara is involved), it is moving. When it tries to make larger philosophical statements about what it means to inhabit land, it gets silly.

34 Kong: Skull Island

I watched this movie hoping to see some cool action sequences of King Kong and dinosaurs. It delivered, though no dinosaurs, but “Skeleton Walkers”. Cool Vietnam War-era atmosphere. The Samuel L. Jackson character is so angry towards Kong as to defy logical sense and the plot is threadbare, but John C. Reilly does wonders when he enters the film midway for comic relief.

33 Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

I wanted to like this movie more. I tried to like it more. It has so much going for it: A pair of knock out performances by Frances McDormand and Woody Harrelson, often fascinating and engaging dialogues and monologues a la the Coen Brothers, and an intriguing premise in a mother trying to discover her daughter’s murderer. It falls apart for me because many of the supporting characters are more caricature than people, especially the insufferable bigoted police officer played by Sam Rockwell. The film is far more interested in developing the character of this unwatchable man than in ever dealing with the McDormand character’s grief, and Harrelson exits the film far too early. There are individual scenes that shine, but the sum of the film’s parts falls flat.

32 Dunkirk

I like Christopher Nolan. I really do. That said, I haven’t liked anything that he’s done since 2010. Dark Knight Rises was bloated, and Interstellar somehow doubled down on the bloat. Dunkirk, while beautifully shot and containing some truly gripping looks at the brutality of war, just never clicked with me. I particularly found the film’s tripartite structure, jumping between three stories whose chronological length differed significantly, more distracting than revelatory.

31 Logan Lucky

Appropriately nicknamed “Seven Eleven,” Steven Soderberg’s first heist movie since the Ocean’s trilogy adapts the standard caper film tropes to a down-to-Earth, working-class West Virginia setting. It’s unclear throughout if Soderberg is mocking his blue collar characters’ way of life or celebrating it, and the humor, particularly in scenes between Channing Tatum and Adam Driver, never quite clicks. But Logan Lucky probably includes the most intelligent, clever, and fun-to-watch heist in any movie. Period. If only the movie were even half as smart and entertaining as the heist it is about.

30 American Made

Doug Liman, The Director of American Made, so badly and clearly wants people to confuse this film with something from the Scorsese catalog. But this is a poor man’s Wolf of Wall Street or Goodfellas. It tries to glorify and legitimize the life of a criminal, and it hits all the highlights. It’s loosely (very loosely) based on real life smuggler Barry Seal. There’s clever heists and crimes. Shady dealings. A big budget plane crash into a suburban neighborhood. And all of it is shot and directed with a fun, vivacious energy. The problem is that this film fails to hit the hard emotional punches. There’s no equivalent to Joe Pesce “getting made” or even a real sense of come-uppance that eventually hit Jordan Belford. There’s a montage in this movie of Tom Cruise scared to start his car due to fear it’s been rigged to explode. What could have been a tone-altering sequence for the film that would bestow a great deal of gravitas, is used for laughs. And that’s about all you need to know about this movie. It’s entertaining and probably worth watching, and Tom Cruise is as cocky as ever in the lead role, but there’s nothing under the surface.

29 Lost City of Z

The is the most action-less adventure story ever told. The life of British explorer Percy Fawcett (Charlie Hunnam) and his explorations through the South American Amazon plays out at about the speed of a turtle. I’m not gonna say I was ever bored, because I wasn’t, but I was kind of waiting the whole movie for something exciting to happen and it never does. The film makes being captured by natives look as routine as a DMV visit. The movie is divided into a few key locations. There’s Britain where Fawcett spends so little of his life and where his wife (Sienna Miller as a progressive woman railing against the monotony of housewifery) and children lives. There’s The Amazon, and there’s briefly France for Fawcett’s stint as an officer in WWI. As you’ll be unsurprised if you’ve glanced at my review of Wonder Woman below, that the WWI section was my favorite. Perhaps it’s my fault for expecting something more out action of this film, but I think it even fails on the grounds of what it tries to be: a character study. Fawcett’s character is so thinly drawn and his motivations so weak, that when his son (Tom Holland) calls him out on it it’s a breath of fresh air - but then his son and wife later validates his motivations and the movie makes him out to be an unqualified hero - a champion of viewing Natives as more than savages. Fawcett did incredible things in his life, sure, but I don’t think he’s any hero. I don’t know - the movie could have been better.

28 Phantom Thread

The first half of this movie I consider excitingly British-boring, like an episode of Downton Abbey or The Crown. High class British people of the past dealing with first world problems, if well acted, well costumed, and well written, will always be entertaining to me no matter if what’s at stake is who will marry whom or, in this case, whether a dress will be ready on time. But the first half of the movie particularly shines because Daniel Day-Lewis plays the stereotypical controlling genius who society forgives because he’s so brilliant to the T. He’s insufferable, petty, emotionally stunted, and a joy to watch. And the whole first half of the film builds to a moment where Lewis’ girlfriend, a meek waitress played by Vicky Krieps, calls him out on all his bullshit. In the midst of the #MeToo era, her speech railing against his dominating, controlling behavior feels entirely appropriate. And as an audience member you expect the movie to go in a certain direction in the second half… and it doesn’t. At the risk of spoilers I won’t say more, but your response to film’s plot in its second act will be the deciding factor about whether or not you enjoy this film. For me, I did not, which is a shame because I liked the first half so much.

Good, not great movies:(3 stars)

27 It

I have never seen the original It movie or read the book, but based on the infamous boat scene that circulated virally on YouTube and the premise of a killer ghost clown… I wasn’t too pumped to see It. I happily had my expectations reversed. It is perhaps unfair to say the movie borrows from Stranger Things since that show definitely borrows heavily from Stephen King, but it’s hard to deny the similarities between the two 1980s set stories of kids against a cosmic beast. It featured incredible performances from its teenaged cast, with Jaeden Lieberher truly shining as the lead, but overall the movie felt overly long and oddly enough lacking the tension required of a remarkable thriller. Plus, I had far too many questions leaving the theater about the nature of Pennywise and so on for it to qualify as having a completely coherent plot. But as far as coming of age movies disguised as horror movies go, when It focused on the kids and less on Pennywise it was entirely engrossing.

26 Lady Macbeth

Lady Macbeth was a fascinating little film out of the UK about the extents (often violent) one woman would go to achieve freedom in an incredibly oppressive patriarchy. At just 22 Florence Pugh turns in a masterful performance of a woman wracked with guilt but full of pride in her freedom. She’s at once both sympathetic and monstrous, and watching her go from one to the other is worthy of the film’s Shakespearean title. Only complaint was that the movie, despite being only 90 minutes still felt it dragged a little in places.

25 Ingrid Goes West

What an interesting movie. Aubrey Plaza still seems to be playing the same Aubrey Plaza character she’s played in literally everything she’s been in, but this time it’s different. Rather than accepting Plaza’s character’s usual eccentric behavior as just par for the course, in Ingrid Goes West, these same behaviors are frightening. Obsessive, sociopathic, paranoid. That is the character Aubrey Plaza plays as her Ingrid travels Westward with the inheritance from her mother’s demise to emulate and become Taylor Sloane - a wonderfully basic Elizabeth Olson - someone she found on Instagram - avocado toast and all. As a movie that tries to make a statement about the ill-effects of social media on society, the movie falls flat. But viewed in the line of movies like Taxi Driver, Nightcrawler, etc. that is, movies that present the inner workings of sociopaths, Ingrid Goes West is an admirable demonstration of what Travis Bickle would look like in 2017. Also, poor O’Shea Jackson Jr. All his character wanted was to talk about Batman - and instead Ingrid ruins his life. Sad!

24 Call Me By Your Name

I’ve struggled to rate this movie fairly. One the one hand, I found it kind of boring. I found what the characters and movie deemed a meaningful relationship between Elio and Oliver to be based on little more than the fact that both were open to male on male sex. Their dialogue was supposed to come off as playfully hostile and full of sexual tension, but i just saw Oliver, played by Hammer, playing hard to get a little too well. Maybe I just wasn’t picking up the signs, but to my eyes it never seemed like Oliver ever liked Elio. On the other hand, it was a beautifully shot movie, included a scene about IndoEuropean etymology, and another about Greek bronze sculpture. Plus, Michael Stuhlbarg’s heartbreaking speech towards the end (you know which one) almost single handedly prevents this from being rated lower on this list. Thus, I left the movie thinking a lot, which is always a sign that the movie had done something right. Particularly it raised questions about and shed light on the nature, often awkward, of coming out. And for that, I recognize the movie’s importance and beauty. But that doesn’t mean it was my favorite movie to watch this year.

23 Spider-Man: Homecoming

Now for something completely different. Spider-Man: Homecoming is the definition of a mindless, fun summer blockbuster. Tom Holland shines it what is essentially a high-school action movie. It had cool action sequences (Washington Monument) and laughs (thanks Martin Starr - perhaps the best person to to cast as a nerdy high school teacher - , the school’s PA announcements, and the film’s new Spider-Man sidekick… some kid named Ned). Plus the movie’s villainous twist was legitimately a surprise in the best way. That said, Michael Keaton’s Vulture had some questionably plausible motives, with the theme of forgetting about the working class feeling a bit cliche in this film. It’s a real issue, but the movie didn’t really treat it like one. Still, I can’t wait for Spider-Man: Prom as Marvel’s first take at a high school movie was a success, even if it did little to reinvent the wheel.

22 Detroit

Detroit is a movie that tests your endurance and tolerance for brutality. Based on the historical Algiers Motel incident during the contentious race riots in 1967 Detroit, the movie is less about the incident as it is director Katherine Bigelow’s recreation of the event itself. This movie is like if you pieced together all of the scenes from a recreation typically found in a true crime documentary, and then left out the documentary narrative piece. As a result, the movie has little nuance (besides a beautiful opening animating sequence detailing the Great Migration.) Instead viewers are “treated” to two hours of raw violence. It’s not entertaining, and it’s hardly art, but it is engrossing. It stretches the imagination that some people could be so cruel and that more could be so permissive of such cruelty seen here, but at the end of the day 3 black teens ended up dead and nine others beaten… so I can grant Katherine Bigelow some leeway in how the lead racist cop in her film is portrayed as being the devil incarnate. It’s a powerful movie - just not one you’ll want to watch again.

21 Brad’s Status

If your biggest fear is that you’ll never satisfy your life’s largest ambitions… Brad’s Status is the movie for you. Ben Stiller as Brad is a guy who by all measures has a fine life - a loving wife, comfortable job, and a smart kid… any complaint he has is, by definition, a first world problem… but when he sees his old college buddies go on to become uber-successful… well, anyone is bound to get jealous. The movie is a great look at the emptiness so many feel with the direction of their lives, and Ben Stiller as Brad is perfectly cast as an understandable neurotic. While the movie does a great job of setting up Brad’s dilemma over his lack of status, it perhaps “solves” the issue a little lazily. It turns out his “successful” friends? They’re all jerks, crooks, or unhappy… so again we learn that money corrupts… an answer which doesn’t entirely satisfy the audience… or Brad.

20 Logan

If Deadpool showed how an R-rated superhero could look if you think R-rated = potty-mouth… Logan decided to show us what R-rated means in terms of violence. The opening scene where our “hero” eviscerates some gangsters by the side of a desert road is phenomenally beautiful. And the movie remains as bleak throughout - as well as, perhaps surprisingly, very thoughtful. Every scene with Patrick Stewart was beautiful. Beautiful because of his performance, but also because of how smartly written and well-paced his character’s story unfolded. What do you do when a man who could bring the world to its knees with his mind… gets Alzheimer’s? That Stewart was not even in the discussion for an Oscar baffles me. I legitimately lose interest in the film the moment Stewart stops playing as big a role about ¾ of the way through. It’s still a good movie after that point, but the story of mutant kids revolting against their slave drivers holds less power and realism than the story of a powerful man coming to grips with his dementia.

19 Wind River

Hell or High Water was, for me, the surprise hit of 2016, and when I found out that writer Taylor Sheridan was both writing and directing this film I saw it as soon as I could. While the movie may drag in a few spots here and there, it’s a pretty powerful movie about grief. It shares many story beats with Three Billboards but frankly I think this film does a much, much better job of staying focused on what’s most important. No, not the moral awakening of some insufferably racist cop, but the injustice of a girl’s life being ripped away from her family. And, more importantly, the impact that has upon an already depressed community. I don’t know how many movies there are that highlight the ironic contemporary struggle of Native Americans to get by in what should be their own land, but i don’t think there are many others. And for that fact alone Wind River deserves to be seen. While I’ve thus far talked like this movies a masterpiece it’s not. It drags a bit, Jeremy Renner’s character is both a little boring and a little too unbelievably good at his job, and Elizabeth Olsen’s character is a little bit too unbelievably inept at hers. But Sheridan crafts scripts whose violence is so genuinely shocking (no doubt in one place due to a perfectly placed flashback towards the end of the film) that you actually drop your jaw. You’ve seen thousands of people get shot in movies, but never quite like here.

18 War for the Planet of the Apes

Of all the major blockbuster franchises to be churned out these days, few have had the boldness to be both entertaining and artful. The first 15 minutes of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes should be taught at all film schools as the prime example of world building without needing a single spoken word of dialogue. I think overall I liked the new War for the Planet of the Apes a little less than its predecessor, but still more than the reboot’s first entry, Rise of the Planet of the Apes. For starters, this is a long movie and it didn’t need to be so long. That said, it has some of the best symbolism and beautifully structured motifs of any major blockbuster out there. Caesar is at times a Christ figure, a new Moses, and a slave in revolt, and the movie does a fantastic job of never letting these themes lay on too thick. And for a movie about apes, most of the sympathy undoubtedly comes from Andy Serkis. He deserves some sort of award for his work as Caesar… his facial ticks say a million things and more. Combined with the cinematography of the icy blue winter fortress, it’s a beauty to behold. Had the movie been a little tighter, it could have been that much better, but as is there’s still much to enjoy.

Great, fucking movies:(3.5 stars)

17 Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

By far the most divisive film of 2017, The Last Jedi was… a fine film. Like for every illogical plot point, for every cringeworthily forced joke, for every time that Mark Hamil didn’t know how to act, for every unnecessary venture onto the casino Planet, for every time Leia was a force zombie… I still walked away from the movie feeling satisfied. The action was good and The plot included legitimate surprises. Rian Jonson is many things, but a poor plotter is not one of them. Plus I was just so attracted to the film’s overwhelming feeling of abject failure. Blockbusters are supposed to lift us up and give us hope… but this movie presented an interesting antithesis to all that, even more so than its spiritual predecessor Empire Strikes Back. This movie will and has already been picked apart to death… but I think if someone walked into this movie knowing little about the Jedi, the Force, or who shot first, they would find an entertaining blockbuster and that’s what I saw. Perhaps not the best Star Wars movie… but a fine film.

16 The Meyerowitz Stories: New and Selected

Adam Sandler can act? Who knew! I did! I’ve seen Click! Anyways, this was a very good movie all around. There are top notch performances from all of its leads, with a special shout out to the quiet Elizabeth Marvel and the terrifyingly unemotional Hoffman. The films plot focused on three adults’ differing relationships with their father (Dustin Hoffman) an overbearing father and aging sculptor who failed to achieve any success. The script is superb and beautifully crafted. The whole movie can be summed up in three scenes, with each scene showing a different of the three children running. In one, Sandler is running to catch up to his Dad, representing how his character always felt like he had to prove himself to his father. In another Stiller is running in front of his father, just as his character has tried to escape the overbearing smothering pressure of his father. And thirdly Marvel’s character runs from danger but her father plays no role - she unlike her brothers has managed to shed the shadow of her father. The movie has some missteps in failed jokes (Sandler’s daughter’s movies?) and is a little long which keep it from being an instant classic, but it’s very well done.

15 Get Out

The best horror movie In a decade isn’t much of a horror movie. There are few jump scares and there’s hardly a real enough sense of danger to raise the audience’s blood pressure. But as a drama that intends to say a thing or two about America’s racial issues, this is a damn good movie. The script is extremely well-crafted and the story’s mysteries unfold in such an organic way. You’ll have thought you have it all figured out at least 3 times before the truth is revealed, and the “truth” actually makes sense and appears unforced unlike the twists in many movies of this type. There’s an alternate ending to this film you can find online where Director Peele could have pushed this movie to make a stronger statement about race… I wish he had. He used a half-measure when he should have used a full measure. The movie as a whole can be a little slow at times… but the ending action sequence and the film’s tone and message throughout more than make up for it.

14 The Post

The best newspaper movies are those that are procedural. Films like Spotlight or All the President’s Men made you feel like you were part of the investigation, highlighting the excitement and importance of mundane tasks like combing through directories of priests or tracking down witnesses that ultimately lead to giant breakthroughs. The Post has none of this. The Pentagon Papers literally fall into the lap of the Washington Post and Nixon’s paranoia ensures that The Post will be the only paper with the opportunity to publish. So it’s not a newspaper movie in that it’s not about investigative journalism so much as about the people who run the newspapers and their commitment to the first amendment. As a result, it’s preachy and a little too on the nose for those of us bombarded daily with claims of fake news. That said, it’s still Spielberg so it’s incredibly well-crafted and entertaining and Meryl Streep is fantastic in drawing out the complexity of Kay Graham. And who doesn’t love seeing Bob Odenkirk and David Cross side by side?

13 Wonder Woman

The undersaturation of the movie market with movies about World War I is a shame. Compare it with World War II which has a minimum of 4 movies a year… always. But where WWII is so often portrayed as the heroic triumph of good over evil or dives into the heinousness of the Holocaust, rarely does it get the chance to just pause and question the brutality of war itself. World War I doesn’t have that problem. There was no Hitler, no Nazis, no Holocaust. Just rulers and treaties that led to the senseless loss of life. And it’s this that movies like Joyeux Noel, War Horse, and now Wonder Woman have captured beautifully. Yes, Wonder Woman is a movie about immortal beings and super heroes with lassos of truth… but at its root it’s about the disgusting fact that humans inflict mass pain on each other based on the lightest of pretenses. The movie has a villain… but humanity is the real evil. The plot was smartly put together, the scenery and costumes nail the period, and the budding romance between Chris Pine and Gal Gadot is a treat to watch. But it’s film’s depiction of the senselessness of war (embodied in Wonder Woman’s shell-shocked Scottish companion.) that really sold me. This movie was far more moving than it deserved to be for a silly super hero movie, but it deserves its praise.

12 The Lego Batman Movie

Perhaps this of all the choices on this list will be the one to not age well… but when I saw this movie I was thoroughly pleased. Not only was it an entertaining and funny beyond a “kid’s” film, it was a parodic love letter to the Caped Crusader. I did not see 2017’s Justice League… but I can safely say this is the best Batman movie since 2008’s Dark Knight. The whole plot of this Lego movie is in fact a direct play on a line of dialogue from The Dark Knight. There the Joker tells Batman, “You complete me,” a line which in its context embodies a central theme throughout Batman lore: does Batman exist because Gotham is full of criminals, or is Gotham full of criminals because Batman attracts them. Here though, the line is taken at face value in its pseudo-romantic sense - Joker pledges his “love” for Batman and here he gets denied. And the world hath seen no wrath as a Joker scorned. It’s a funny set-up that leads to a fun who’s-who of villains from across the Batverse and beyond. The film is anchored in the now-classic Lego movie sense of humor. Special props to Will Arnett’s arrogant, self-centered turn as the lead and to Michael Cera’s bubblingly boyish Dick Grayson/Robin. The two have a perfect comedic give and take. It’s as if the whole movie is a side project of Arrested Development with a young George Michael Bluth playing along with the delusional fantasies of his Uncle GOB. Tobias would of course be Mr. Freeze - he already blued himself.

11 Darkest Hour

Who was Winston Churchill? I’m still not quite sure. The movie presented him as a drunk, surely, but also scared, crude, abrasive, confused, a little Alzheimer’s-y at times… but the least I can say is that he deserved my respect by the end of the film and that’s what the movie wanted from me. Gary Oldman is amazing in this movie and other people could speak more eloquently about his performance. But he’s not alone and Ben Mendehlsson as King George and Stephen Dillane as the preposterously prissy Lord Halifax deserve special praise. Lily James as Churchill’s secretary does not though… her role was kinda pointless… But what really caught my eye about this movie is it’s beautiful cinematography. The movie plays with light and dark so well - fitting for its title. Plus the movie tells the story of the Dunkirk travesty from such an interesting perspective. The knowledge of Hitler’s ultimate intentions today make it difficult to swallow arguments of the past that peace might have been possible, but the film does a great job of establishing tension in a conflict where everyone in the audience knows the resolution. There are times when you wonder along with Churchill whether peace might be worth pursuing. However, if you, like me, enjoy getting your history from film, You’ll likely be saddened as i was to learn that the scene where Churchill goes into the Tube and talks to the common folk for inspiration was all made up for the movie… still, the scene’s pretty magical to watch. So everyone plays their roles to the T and the pictures are pretty. If that’s not enough for you, just watch this as an antidote to watching the lifeless Dunkirk. Ugh. Fuck Dunkirk.

10 The Beguiled

This is an extremely moody, brooding film that sticks with much you longer than you’d think. It’s really a short, little movie at only 94 minutes long, but director Sophia Coppola packs that time full of lust-filled intrigue and tension. If you ever wonders what happens when a house full of sexually repressed women in the 1860s encounters a wounded soldier who’s happy to “please”… the answer is not a lot of good. This is not a porno. If anything this movie takes a male fantasy and turns it into a nightmare. Elle Fanning, Kirsten Dunst, and Nicole Kidman play a fearfully tempting trio, each approaching the mysterious figure of Colin Farrell with their own motivations. Elle as a young woman exploring her sexuality, Kirsten as a woman sheltered for too long and yearns for the companionship, while Kidman as the older woman wants to feel love again… yet Colin cannot have all three and tries anyways… and the result is chilling and creepy reminder that you don’t mess with the heart of a woman. It’s Like Gone Girl in this sense, but better because this movie’s actually rewatchable and the perspective is entirely female-centric.

9 Mudbound

Somewhere online this movie is described as “literary in the best sense” and that’s about all you need to know about this movie. It’s a sprawling character-based epic that charts the lives of two families, one white, one black, whose lives continue to intersect while living in the 1940s rural South. Like much of the 19th c. and early 20th c. American literature, the big takeaway is that life in the country is miserable and prone to stagnation (a little stuck in the mud if you will). And Carey Mulligan’s role as a sophisticated woman forced into the staid life on the farm is practically a carbon copy of the main character in Willa Cather’s “Wagner Matinee” - and that’s a good thing. Mary J. Blige looks really cool with her sunglasses but also does a great job acting as the loving matriarch of her family - in fact the whole cast is pretty incredible. However the heart of the film is the friendship that forms between the veterans returning from WWII- one from each family. Garrett Hedlund and Jason Mitchell carry well the invisible wounds of war and the movie does a great job of highlighting the great injustice and indifference our society all too often places upon the plight of veterans - especially those who are also racial minorities. It’s a movie both reflective of its period’s morals, and a reminder of how close in time we are to some of our nation’s worst racially-based hate crimes.

8 Shape of Water

Love comes in all shapes and sizes - a theme Hollywood has pushed on us for decades. But here the trite fairy tale truism is made fresh… precisely because director Guillermo del Toro does not hide the fact that his Shape of Water - though a movie for adults with rather graphic violence and sex - is a fairy tale. Its love is both unbelievable and beautiful. The film tries to say something about the civil rights movement and oppression in its portrayal of the stigmatized relationship between woman and fish monster… but I personally found those parallels a bit wonky. The film works best as a simple story devoid of overt politics. Few scenes this year are as heartwarming as two rain droplets dancing on the side of a bus window as it races through the night or a dance scene between a fish monster and a woman filmed in the black and white style of the grand musicals of Old Hollywood. The movie includes a heist (the best!), Communist intrigue, comedy, and an amazing villain in Michael Shannon. That guy’s face is made to be evil. Sally Hawkins, Octavia Spencer, Michael Stuhlbarg, Richard Jenkins round out a superbly talented cast and the movie is a joy to watch. It was clear this was a work of love for delToro and though it’s not my favorite movie this year it deserves all the praise it gets. It’s a technical and moving marvel

Fantastic films (4 stars)

7 Sanctuary

Of all the movies on this list, I’m gonna bet this is the one you’ve never heard of. I’d never heard of it either. It was an accidental find hidden deep in the Hulu catalog which only attracted my roommate’s and my attentions because it was recently voted the best film in Ireland for 2017 according to some Irish critic’s circle. It was never even released in America. I like Irish film, and I loved this movie. It’s an ambitious project - at least by modern standards. A movie about people with intellectual disabilities, whose cast is mostly filled with people with intellectual disabilities, including like 4 people with Downs Syndrome. It’s part comedy, part rom-com, part romantic-drama, and throughout a tragedy. The movie struggles to find a fine line between viewing it’s largely adult cast of people with intellectual disabilities as people who need to be watched after and people who deserve independence and freedom. And that is not a fault of the movie… in real life finding that balance is hard. The movie has you laughing one moment, crying the other, but at all times forcing this viewer at least to challenge his perceptions of those with intellectual disabilities. It’s a powerful movie, an entertaining one, and one which I think all should see.

6 The Big Sick

Yes, this movie may have committed the worst of comedy movie sins - putting the best joke (the one about 9/11) in the trailer - but that doesn’t stop The Big Sick and it’s plot from surprising. I won’t spoil the plot because it’s best experienced first hand - but one thing I wish I knew going in is that this is fairly closely based on Kumail Nanjiani’s real life, who wrote the film with his wife Emily V. Gordon. I say this because when I first saw this my complaint was that the plot seemed too unbelievable and were this a purely fictional tale I’d be right - but truth is stranger than fiction. The movie has many thematic parallels with the second episode of Aziz Ansari’s Master of None in that the film presents the real pressures faced by children of immigrants to balance wanting to live a “normal” American life without seeming ungrateful or unappreciative of your parents’ culture and the sacrifices they have made to give their kids a better life. Kumail’s mother may be the “villain” from a plotting perspective, but the film is more nuanced than to portray her as heartless. In fact, the incredible love of a parent for their child is palpable throughout, and Ray Romano and Holly Hunter do wonders portraying a couple who though strained will unite to do anything for their daughter. Like life, the characters are realistic, the conflicts have no easy resolution, and it’s equal parts comical and emotional.

5 The Florida Project

Probably one of the best compliments I can bestow upon any piece of art is, “It reminds me of The Wire.” Yes, I am one of those people… deal with it. But what that to me means, is that this particular work of art manages to present an important social problem in a way that has no clear heroes or villains. Rather, it presents real, flawed humans dealing with a terribly shitty social construct. Here, the social construct is poverty - severe, depressing poverty. What are you supposed to do if you have no money, no home, no hopes for the future? You scam, you prostitute, you lie, you do anything to get by. But the characters in the Florida Project aren’t Robin Hoods or Aladdins - lovable thieves. No, they are often ugly people. This is a movie largely about “white trash” America - or rather people we cast aside without a second thought as white trash. However, what makes this movie so brilliant is that it grounds its message in the perspective of a child. Brooklyn Prince is damn near perfect in her role as the six year-old Moonee, the daughter of the aforementioned lying, scamming, destitute woman. By framing the move from Moonee’s view, director Sean Baker allows the movie to be at one moment light-hearted and the next moment heartbreaking. Like The Wire this movie deserves to be taught in any sociology class alongside any textbook. It’s an insightful look at the way the other half lives that’s full of empathetic humanity without providing its characters forgiveness carte blanche. And as entertainment it’s riveting.

4 Baby Driver

I am confident that this movie will not be as good on a second pass, as it’s more of a roller coaster adrenaline rush than artful film, and once you know all the twists and turns the fun will surely be lessened. But that doesn’t stop the first ride through the life of a bank-robbing getaway driver with a heart from being a hell of a good time. Like Patrick Stewart’s snub for Logan, I am legitimately surprised that there was never ANY talk of best director in the cards for Edgar Wright - though it’s probably a little more accurate to call him a choreographer than director as Baby Driver is, for all intents and purposes, an extended music video. Like Wright’s previous work in the Cornetto trilogy, the soundtrack is an eclectic mix of deep tracks from the mainly 60s/70s, but here the music does more than provide a backdrop to the action; it reflects and informs the action. Car chases are coordinated so that the best parts match musical crescendos. Take for example the foot chase towards to the end of the film set perfectly to Hocus Pocus’s “Focus.” The song alternates between a rocking guitar riff and a yodeling breakdown, and Wright appropriately sets the Chase parts to the guitar part and parts where Baby has to hide to the yodel. But calling it a music video perhaps robs the movie of the fact that it created an interesting cast of characters. Yes, it stars Kevin Spacey… but he’s creepy in this movie so at least art reflects life. But more of interest are Jamie Foxx and Jon Hamm as two of Baby’s slightly unhinged compatriots in bank robbing. Ansel Elgort in the title role carries enough charm and heart to capture audiences, and Lily James as the Southern beauty with the heart of gold is just grungy enough to be the perfect match for Baby’s criminal nature. Few movies have ever been this fun to watch with incredibly coordinated car chases, and the plot carries enough twists and turns to keep audiences on their toes.

3 Columbus

This movie is one of those movies where I can’t really put into words why I liked it. The most obvious reason is the movie’s scenery. Set entirely in the small town of Columbus, IN, a real town renowned across the world for its collection of buildings made in the modernist style. The town is shot beautifully and even if the movie weren’t good otherwise, it’d be worth a glance for the pictures. However, the plot is good. It’s a two-for-one with two of my favorite themes. One plot deals with the coming of age of a teenaged girl who’s too smart to get stuck in a dead end town. The other deals with a son comings to terms with his troubled relationship with his father. As I said, the movie is slow and I won’t claim to fully believe that in real life a relationship would have formed between the two main characters - it’s a little forced. But the emotions of the movie are undeniably real and it never feels like melodrama. This is one of the few movies where upon watching I immediately wanted to watch it again.

2 Good Time

Unlike Columbus, I was happy when Good Time ended and did not want to watch it again. It’s not because it’s a bad movie - far from it. But it paints such an ugly, depressing, and frankly terrifyingly real view of humanity that you’re happy when it’s finally over. This is film at its most linear (aside from one notable flashback that ranks among the best flashbacks of all time) and that’s not a complaint. The film’s runs quickly from start to finish like a bullet. The story is one of survival, as Robert Pattinson’s Nicky tries to free his accomplice and brother from custody while avoiding the cops himself following a botched bank robbery. This is not a light hearted bank heist movie like the Oceans movies, Baby Driver, or the like. While Nicky’s attempts to evade detection are certainly clever, as the movie continues you find you aren’t rooting for the protagonist - I wasn’t at least. The movie plays with the idea that the cat & mouse trope so popular in literature is far from fun in real life. It’s a hell of an adrenaline rush, Robert Pattinson gives - i think - one of the best performances of the year, and the plot is damn near perfect - not a second is wasted.

1 Lady Bird

The amount a movie makes me cry sits in direct proportion to how much i enjoyed the film (Interstellar being the big exception). At the end of Lady Bird I was awash in tears. The movie depicts with such a razor-sharp accuracy just how hard being in a family can be. Just how contradictory it can be. How is it that you can hate what your mother does, says, and stands for, and still love her? How is it that you can be so relieved to send your daughter off to college and out of your hair but also cry the entire way home? The taut relationship between Lady Bird and her mother (played extraordinarily by Saorsie Ronan and Laurie Metcalf) is without a doubt the cornerstone upon which Greta Gerwig built her semi-autobiographical story. And in a world filled with nuanced stories of miscommunication between fathers and sons, it was so incredibly refreshing to see the mother-daughter relationship explored with the same respect. The key? Neither character is flawless. Yes Lady Bird is our protagonist, but she’s just a teen. The movie can not help but remind us that for all of her confidence and sophistication there’s just so much to this world she doesn’t understand. We see her engage in doomed sexual relationships, get into petty spats with her best friend, and generally just act immaturely. And her mother is no saint either. Yes, she undoubtedly makes great sacrifices for her daughter and her whole family. She is patient and loving with her husband who suffers from depression and struggles to find work. But she also has no interest in learning about her daughter - her thoughts, her feelings. She embodies the mantra “cruel to be kind” yet it’s sometimes hard to see when the kindness kicks in. The movie is honest, it’s funny, and at times heartbreaking. It’s the best movie I’ve seen since Boyhood in terms of showing what life in America is really like, and it’s a gem of a movie deserved to be seen by all.

#Oscars #bestof2017 #Movies #Lady Bird

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aikipoet-blog · 6 years ago

Text

THE CANTERBURY TALES

A MINIMALIST TRANSLATION

Forrest Hainline

GENERAL PROLOGUE

1 When that April with his shower’s sweet

2 The drought of March has pierced to the root,

3 And bathed every vein in such liquor

4 Of which virtue engendered is the flower;

5 When Zephirus too with his sweet breath

6 Inspired has in every holt and heath

7 The tender crops, and the young sun

8 Has in the Ram his half course run,

9 And small fowls making melody,

10 That sleep all the night with open eye

11 (So pricks them Nature in their courage) :

12 Then long folk to go on pilgrimage

13 And palmers for to seek strange strands,

14 To foreign hallways, known in sundry lands;

15 And specially, from every shire's end

16 Of England, to Canterbury they wend,

17 The holy blissful martyr for to seek

18 That them has helped, when that they were sick.

19 Befell that in that season on a day,

20 In Southwerk at the Tabarad as I lay

21 Ready to go on my pilgrimage 22 To Canterbury with full devout courage,

23 At night was come into that hostelry

24 Well nine and twenty in a company 25 Of sundry folk, by adventure to fall

26 In fellowship, and pilgrims were they all,

27 That toward Canterbury would ride.

28 The chambers and the stables were wide,

29 And well we were eased at best.

30 And shortly, when the sun was to rest,

31 So had I spoken with them everyone,

32 That I was of their fellowship anon,

33 And made forward early for to rise,

34 To take our way there as I you devise.

35 But nonetheless, while I have time and space,

36 Ere that I further in this tale pace,

37 Me thinks it according to reason,

38 To tell you all the condition

39 Of each of them, so as it seemed me,

40 And which they were, and of what degree,

41 And eek in what array that they were in;

42 And at a knight then will I first begin.

43 A knight there was, and that a worthy man

44 That from the time that he first began

45 To ride out, he loved chivalry,

46 Truth and honor, freedom and courtesy,

47 Full worthy was he in his lord's war,

48 And thereto had he ridden, no man as far,

49 As well in Christendom as in heatheness,

50 And ever honored for his worthiness.

51 At Alexander he was when it was won;

52 Full oft time he had the board begun

53 Above all nations in Prussia;

54 In Lithuania had he raised and in Russia,

55 No Christian man so oft of his degree;

56 In Grenada at the siege too had he be

57 Of Algezir, and ridden in Belmarie;

58 At Ayas was he and at Attalie, 59 When they were won, and in the Great Sea

60 At many a noble army had he be.

61 At mortal battles had he been fifteen,

62 And fought for our faith at Tlemcen

63 In lists thrice, and aye slain his foe.

64 This same worthy knight had been also

65 Sometime with the lord of Paletey

66 Against another heathen in Turkey:

67 And evermore he had a sovereign prize.

68 And though that he were worthy, he was wise,

69 And of his port as meek as is a maid.

70 He never yet any villainy said

71 In all of his life, unto no manner wight.

72 He was a very perfect, gentle knight.

73 But for to tell you of his array,

74 His horse was good, but he was not gay.

75 Of fustian he wore a gipon

76 All bespattered with his habergeon;

77 For he was lately come from his voyage,

78 And went for to do his pilgrimage.

79 With him there was his son, a young Squire,

80 A lover, and a lusty bachelor,

81 With locks curly as they were laid in press,

82 Of twenty year of age he was, I guess.

83 Of his stature he was of even length,

84 And wondrously delivered, and of great strength.

85 And he had been sometime in cavalry,

86 In Flanders, in Artois, and Picardy,

87 And born him well, as of so little space,

88 In hope to stand in his lady's grace.

89 Embroidered was he, as it were a meadow

90 All full of fresh flowers, white and red.

91 Singing he was, or fluting, all the day;

92 He was as fresh as is the month of May.

93 Short was his gown, with sleeves long and wide.

94 Well could he sit on horse, and fair ride.

95 He could songs make and well endite,

96 Joust and dance too, and well portray and write.

97 So hot he loved that by nighter-tale

98 He sleeps no more than doth a nightingale.

99 Courteous he was, lowly, and serviceable,

100 And carved before his father at the table.

101 A Yeoman had he, and servants no more

102 At that time, for he pleased to ride so; 103 And he was clad in coat and hood of green;

104 A sheaf of peacock arrows bright and keen

105 Under his belt he bore full thriftily;

106 Well could he dress his tackle yeomanly:

107 His arrows drooped not with feathers low;

108 And in his hand he bore a mighty bow.

109 A knot-head had he, with a brown visage.

110 Of woodcraft well could he all the usage.

111 Upon his arm he bore a gay bracer,

112 And by his side a sword and a buckler,

113 And on that other side a gay dagger,

114 Harnessed well, and sharp as point of spear;

115 A Christopher on his breast of silver sheen;

116 A horn he bore, the baldric was of green.

117 A forester he was, truly as I guess.

118 There was also a Nun, a Prioress,

119 That of her smiling was full simple and coy.

120 Her greatest oath was but by Saint Loy;

121 And she was called Madame Eglantine.

122 Full well she sang the service divine,

123 Intoned in her nose full seemly;

124 And French she spoke full fair and fetisly,

125 After the school of Stratford at the Bowe,

126 For French of Paris was to her unknow.

127 At meat well taught was she withal;

128 She let no morsel from her lips fall,

129 Nor wet her fingers in her sauce deep.

130 Well could she carry a morsel, and well keep,

131 That no drop would fall upon her breast.

132 In courtesy was set full much her lest.

133 Her over-lip wiped she so clean

134 That in her cup there was no farthing seen

135 Of grease, when she drunk had her draft.

136 Full seemly after her meat she raft,

137 And certainly she was of great disport,

138 And full pleasant, and amiable of port,

139 And pained her to counterfeit cheer

140 Of court, and be stately of manner

141 And to be held worthy of reverence.

142 But for to speak of her conscience,

143 She was so charitable and so piteous

144 She would weep, if that she saw a mouse

145 Caught in a trap, if it were dead or bled.

146 Of small hounds had she, that she fed

147 With roasted flesh, or milk and wastel-bread.

148 But sore wept she if one of them were dead,

149 Or if men smote it with a yard smart:

150 And all was conscience and tender heart.

151 Full seemly her wimple pinched was;

152 Her nose tretis, her eyes gray as glass;

153 Her mouth full small, and thereto soft and red.

154 But certainly she had a fair forehead;

155 It was almost a span broad, I trow;

156 For hardily, she was not under grow.

157 Full fetis was her cloak, as I was ware.

158 Of small coral about her arm she bare

159 A pair of beads, gauded all with green,

160 And thereon hung a brooch of gold full sheen,

161 On which there was first writ a crowned A,

162 And after, amor vincit omnia.

163 Another nun with her had she,

164 That was her chaplain, and priests three.

165 A Monk there was, a fair for the mastery,

166 An outrider, that loved venery,

167 A manly man, to be an abbot able.

168 Full many a dainty horse had he in stable,

169 And when he rode, men might his bridle hear

170 Jingling in a whistling wind all clear

171 And too as loud as doth the chapel bell

172 There as this lord was keeper of the cell.

173 The rule of Saint Maure or of Saint Benedict -

174 Because that it was old and somewhat strict

175 This same monk let old things pass,

176 And held after the new world the space.

177 He gave not of that text a pulled hen,

178 That says that hunters be not holy men,

179 Nor that a monk, when he is reckless,

180 Is likened to a fish that is waterless -

181 This is to say, a monk out of his cloister.

182 But that text held he not worth an oyster;

183 And I said his opinion was good.

184 What should he study and make himself wood,

185 Upon a book in cloister always to pour,

186 Or swink with his hands, and labor,

187 As Austin bid? How shall the world be served?

188 Let Austin have his swink to him reserved!

189 Therefore he was a pricasour aright:

190 Greyhounds he had as swift as fowl in flight;

191 Of pricking and of hunting the hare

192 Was all his lust, for no cost would he spare.

193 I saw his sleeves purfled at the hand

194 With gray, and that the finest of the land;

195 And for to fasten his hood under his chin,

196 He had of gold wrought a full curious pin;

197 A love knot in the greater end there was.

198 His head was bald, that shone as any glass,

199 And too his face, as he had been anoint.

200 He was a lord full fat and in good point;

201 His eyes steep, and rolling in his head,

202 That steamed as a furnace of lead;

203 His boots supple, his horse in great estate.

204 Now certainly he was a fair prelate;

205 He was not pale as a forpined ghost.

206 A fat swan he loved best of any roast.

207 His palfrey was as brown as is a berry.

208 A Friar there was, a wanton and a merry,

209 A limiter, a full solemn man.

210 In all the orders four there is none that can

211 So much of dalliance and fair language.

212 He had made full many a marriage

213 Of young women at his own cost.

214 Unto his order he was a noble post.

215 Full well beloved and familiar was he

216 With franklins over all in his country,

217 And too with worthy women of the town;

218 For he had power of confession,

219 As said himself, more than a curate,

220 For of his order he was licentiate.

221 Full sweetly heard he confession,

222 And pleasant was his absolution:

223 He was an easy man to give penance,

224 There as he knew to have a good pittance.

225 For unto a poor order for to give

226 Is sign that a man is well shrive;

227 For if he gave, he dared make avaunt,

228 He knew that a man was repentant;

229 For many a man so hard is of his heart,

230 He may not weep, although him sorely smart.

231 Therefore instead of weeping and prayers

232 Men must give silver to the poor friars.

233 His tippet was ay farsed full of knives

234 And pins, for to give young wives.

235 And certainly he had a merry note:

236 Well could he sing and play on a rote;

237 Of yeddings he bore utterly the prize.

238 His neck white was as the flour-de-lys;

239 Thereto he strong was as a champion.

240 He knew the taverns well in every town

241 And every hosteler and tappester,

242 Better than a lazar or a begster,

243 For unto such a worthy man as he

244 Accorded not, as by his faculty,

245 To have with sick lazars acquaintance.

246 It is not honest, it may not advance,

247 For to deal with no such porail,

248 But all with rich and sellers of victual.

249 And over all, there as profit should arise,

250 Courteous he was and lowly of service;

251 There’s no man nowhere so virtuous.

252 He was the best beggar in his house;

252a [And gave a certain fee for the grant;

252a None of his brethren came there in his haunt;]

253 For though a widow had not a shoe,

254 So pleasant was his “In principio, ”

255 Yet would he have a farthing, ere he went.

256 His purchase was well better than his rent.

257 And rage he could, as it were right a whelp.

258 In love days there could he much help,

259 For there he was not like a cloisterer

260 With a threadbare cope, as is a poor scholar,

261 But he was like a master or a pope.

262 Of double worsted was his semicope,

263 That rounded as a bell out of the press.

264 Somewhat he lisped, for his wantonness,

265 To make his English sweet upon his tongue;

266 And in his harping, when that he had sung,

267 His eyes twinkled in his head aright

268 As do the stars in the frosty night.

269 This worthy limiter was called Huberd.

270 A merchant was there with a forked beard,

271 In motley, and high on horse he sat;

272 Upon his head a Flanderish beaver hat,

273 His boots clasped fair and featously.

274 His reasons he spoke full solemnly,

275 Speaking always the increase of his winning.

276 He would the sea were kept for anything

277 Between Middleburgh and Orwell.

278 Well could he in exchange shields sell.

279 This worthy man full well his wit beset;

280 There knew no wight that he was in debt,

281 So stately was he of his governance

282 With his bargains and with his chevisance

283 For truth he was a worthy man withall,

284 But, truth to say, I know not how men him call.

285 A clerk there was of Oxford also,

286 That unto logic had long ago.

287 As lean was his horse as is a rake,

288 And he was not right fat, I undertake,

289 But looked hollow, and thereto soberly,

290 Full threadbare was his overest courtepy,

291 For he had gotten him yet no benefice,

292 Nor was so worldly for to have office.

293 For he was rather have at his bed’s head

294 Twenty books, clad in black or red,

295 Of Aristotle and his philosophy

296 Than robes rich, or fiddle, or gay psaltry.

297 But all be that he was a philosopher,

298 Yet had he but little gold in coffer;

299 But all that he might of his friends hent,

300 On books and on learning he it spent,

301 And busily gan for the soul’s prayer

302 Of them that gave him wherewith to scholar.

303 Of study took he most cure and most heed.

304 Not a word spoke he more than was need,

305 And that was said in form and reverence,

306 And short and quick and full of high sentence;

307 Sounding in moral virtue was his speech,

308 And gladly would he learn and gladly teach.

309 A Sergeant of the Law, aware and wise,

310 That often had been at the Parvise,

311 There was also, full rich of excellence.

312 Discreet he was and of great reverence –

313 He seemed such, his words were so wise.

314 Justice he was full often in assize,

315 By patent and by plain commission.

316 For his science and for his high renown,

317 Of fees and robes had he many a one.

318 So great a purchaser was nowhere none:

319 All was fee simple to him in effect;

320 His purchasing might not been infect.

321 Nowhere so busy a man as he there was,

322 And yet he seemed busier than he was.

323 In terms had he case and dooms all

324 That from the time of King William were fall.

325 Thereto he could endite and make a thing,

326 There could no wight pinch at his writing;

327 And every statute could he play by rote.

328 He rode but homely in a motley coat,

329 Girt with a seynt of silk, with bars small;

330 Of his array shall I no longer tell.

331 A Franklin was in his company.

332 White was his beard as is the daisy;

333 Of his complexion he was sanguine.

334 Well loved he by the morning a sup of wine;

335 To live in delight was ever his won,

336 For he was Epicurus’ own son,

337 That held opinion that plain delight

338 Was very felicity parfit.

339 A householder, and that a great, was he;

340 Saint Julian was he in his country.

341 His bread, his ale, was always after one;

342 A better envied man was nowhere known.

343 Without baked meat was never his house,

344 Of fish and flesh, and that so plenteous

345 It snowed in his house of meat and drink;

346 Of all dainties that men could think,

347 After the sundry seasons of the year,

348 So changed he his meat and his supper.

349 Full many a fat partridge had he in mew,

350 And many a bream and many a luce in stew.

351 Woe was his cook but if his sauce were

352 Poignant and sharp, and ready all his gear.

353 His table dormant in his hall alway

354 Stood ready covered all the long day.

355 At sessions there he was lord and sire;

356 Full oft time he was knight of the shire.

357 A dagger and a purse all of silk

358 Hung at his girdle, white as morning milk.

359 A sheriff had he been, an auditor.

360 Was nowhere such a worthy vavasour.

361 A Haberdasher and a Carpenter,

362 A Weaver, a Dyer, and a Tapisser –

363 And they were clothed all in a livery

364 Of a solemn and a great fraternity.

365 Full fresh and new their gear apiked was;

366 Their knives were mounted not with brass

367 But all with silver, wrought full clean and well,

368 Their girdles and their pouches everydell.

369 Well seemed each of them a fair burgess

370 To sit in a guildhall on a dais.

371 Each one, for the wisdom that he kan,

372 Was shapely for to be an alderman.

373 For cattle had they enough and rent,

374 And too their wives would it well assent

375 And else certain were they to blame.

376 It is full fair to have been called “madame, ”

377 And go to vigils all before,

378 And have a mantle royally bore.

379 A Cook they had with them for the nonce

380 To boil the chickens with the marrow bones,

381 And powdered marchant tart and galingale.

382 Well could he know a draft of London ale. 383 He could he roast, and seethe, and broil, and fry,

384 Makemortreux, and well bake a pie.

385 But great harm was it, as it thought me,

386 That on his shin, an ulcer had he.

387 For blancmanger, that made he with the best.

388 A Shipman was there, dwelling far by west;

389 For aught I know, he was of Dartmouth.

390 He rode upon a rouncy, as he couth,

391 In a gown of falding to the knee.

392 A dagger hanging on a laas had he

393 About his neck, under his arm adown.

394 The hot summer had made his hue all brown;

395 And certainly he was a good fellow.

396 Full many a draft of wine had he draw.

397 From Bordeaux-ward, while that the chapman sleep.

398 Of nice conscience took he no keep.

399 If that he fought and had the higher hand,

400 By water he sent them home to every land.

401 But of his craft to reckon well his tides,

402 His streams, and his dangers him besides,

403 His harbor, and his moon, his pilotage,

404 There was none such from Hull to Carthage.

405 Hardy he was and wise to undertake;

406 With many a tempest had his beard been shake.

407 He knew all the havens, as they were,

408 From Gotland to the cape of Finisterre,

409 And every creek in Brittany and in Spain.

410 His barge called was the Madelene.

411 With us there was A Doctor of Physic;

412 In all this world there was no one like him, 413 To speak of physic and of surgery,

414 For he was grounded in astronomy.

415 He kept his patient a full great deal

416 In hours, by his magic natural.

417 Well could he fortune the ascendant

418 Of his images for his patient.

419 He knew the cause of every malady,

420 Were it of hot, or cold, or moist, or dry,

421 And where they engendered, and of what humor.

422 He was a very, perfect practitioner:

423 The cause known, and of his harm the root,

424 Anon he gave the sick man his boot.

425 Full ready had he his apothecaries

426 To send him drugs and electuaries,

427 For each of them made other for to win –

428 Their friendship was not new to begin.

429 Well knew he the old Aesculapius,

430 And Dioscorides and too Rufus,

431 Old Hippocrates, Hali, and Galen,

432 Serapion, Rhazes, and Avicen,

433 Averroes, Damascene, and Constantine,

434 Bernard, and Gatisden, and Gilbertus.

435 Of his diet measurable was he,

436 For it was of no superfluity,

437 But of great nourishing and digestable.

438 His study was but little on the Bible.

439 In sanguine and in perse he clad was all,

440 Lined with taffeta and with sendal.

441 And yet he was but easy of dispense;

442 He kept that he won in pestilence.

443 For gold in physic is a cordial,

444 Therefore he loved gold in special.

445 A good Wife was there of beside Bath,

446 But she was somewhat deaf, and that was scathe.

447 Of cloth making she had such a haunt

448 She passed them of Ypres and of Ghent.

449 In all the parish wife was there none

450 That to the offering before her should go on;

451 And if they did, certain so wroth was she

452 That she was out of all charity.

453 Her coverchiefs full fine were of ground;

454 I dare swear they weighed ten pound

455 That on a Sunday were upon her head.

456 Her hose were of fine scarlet red,

457 Full straight tied, and shoes full moist and new.

458 Bold was her face, and fair, and red of hew.

459 She was a worthy woman all her life:

460 Husbands at church door she had five,

461 Without them other company in youth -

462 But there's no need to speak as now.

463 And thrice had she been at Jerusalem;

464 She had passed many a strange stream;

465 At Rome she had been, and at Boulogne,

466 In Galicia at Saint Jame, and at Cologne.

467 She could much of wandering by the way.

468 Gap-toothed was she, truly for to say.

469 Upon an ambler easily she sat,

470 Wimpled well, and on her head a hat

471 As broad as is a buckler or a targe;

472 A foot-mantle about her hips large,

473 And on her feet a pair of spurs sharp.

474 In fellowship well could she laugh and carp.

475 Of remedies of love she knew per chance,

476 For she knew of that art the old dance.

477 A good man was there of religion,

478 And was a poor Parson of a town,

479 But rich he was of holy thought and work.

480 He was also a learned man, a clerk,

481 That Christ’s Gospel truly would preach;

482 His parishioners devoutly would he teach.

483 Benign he was and wonder diligent,

484 And in adversity full patient,

485 And such he was proved oft times.

486 Full loathe was he to curse for his tithes,

487 But rather would he give, out of doubt,

488 Unto his poor parishioners about

489 Of his offering and too of his substance.

490 He could in little things have sufficience.

491 Wide was his parish, and houses far asunder,

492 But he left not, for rain or thunder,

493 In sickness nor in mischief to visit

494 The farthest in his parish, much and light,

495 Upon his feet, and in his hand a stave.

496 This noble example to his sheep he gave,

497 That first he wrought, and afterward he taught.

498 Out of the Gospel he those words caught,

499 And this figure he added eek thereto,

500 That if gold rust, what shall iron do?

501 For if a priest be foul, on whom we trust,

502 No wonder is a lewd man to rust;

503 And shame it is if a priest take keep,

504 A shitten shepherd and a clean sheep.

505 Well ought a priest example for to give,

506 By his cleanness, how that his sheep should live.

507 He set not his benefice to hire

508 And let his sheep encumbered in the mire

509 And ran to London unto Saint Paul’s

510 To seek him a chantry for souls,

511 Or with a brotherhood to be withhold;

512 But dwelt at home, and kept well his fold,

513 So that the wolf not make it miscarry;

514 He was a shepherd and not a mercenary.

515 And though he holy were and virtuous,

516 He was to sinful men not despitous,

517 Nor of his speech dangerous nor digne,

518 But in his teaching discreet and benign.

519 To draw folk to heaven by fairness,

520 By good example, this was his business.

521 But it were any person obstinate,

522 What so he were of high or low estate,

523 Him would he snib him sharply for the nonce.

524 A better priest I trust that nowhere none is.

525 He waited after no pomp and reverence,

526 Nor maked him a spiced conscience,

527 But Christ’s lore and his apostles twelve

528 He taught; but first he followed it himself.

529 With him there was a Plowman, was his brother,

530 That had hauled of dung full many a fother;

531 A true swinker and a good was he,

532 Living in peace and perfect charity.

533 God loved he best with all his whole heart

534 At all times, though him gamed or smarte,

535 And then his neighbor right as himself.

536 He would thresh, and thereto dike and delve,

537 For Christ’s sake, for every poor wight,

538 Without hire, if it lay in his might.

539 His tithes paid he full fair and well,

540 Both of his proper swink and his chattel.

541 In a tabard he road upon a mare.

542 There was also a Reeve and a Miller,

543 A Summoner and a Pardoner also,

544 A Manciple, and myself, - there were no more.

545 The Miller was a stout carl for the nonce;

546 Full big he was of brawn, and too of bones.

547 That proved well, for over all there he came,

548 At wrestling he would have always the ram.

549 He was short-shouldered, broad, a thick knar;

550 There was no door that he could not heave off har,

551 Or break it at a running with his head.

552 His beard as any sow or fox was red,

553 And thereto broad as it were a spade.

554 Upon the top right of his nose he had

555 A wart, and thereon stood a tuft of hairs,

556 Red as the bristles of a sow’s ears;

557 His nostrils black were and wide.

558 A sword and a buckler bore he by his side.

559 His mouth as great was as a great furnace.

560 He was a jangler and a goliardeys,

561 And that was most of sin and harlotries.

562 Well could he steal corn toll threes;

563 And yet he had a thumb of gold, pardie.

564 A white cope and a blue hood wore he.

565 A bagpipe well could he blow and sound,

566 And therewithal he brought us out of town.

567 A gentle Manciple was there of a temple,

568 Of which achatours might take example

569 For to be wise in buying of victuals;

570 For whether that he paid or took by tally,

571 Always he waited so in his achate,

572 That he was ay before and in good state.

573 Now is not that of God a full fair grace

574 That such a lewd man’s wit shall pace

575 The wisdom of a heap of learned men?

576 Of masters had he more than thrice ten,

577 That were of law expert and curious,

578 Of which there were a dozen in that house

579 Worthy to be stewards of rent and land

580 Of any lord that is in England,

581 To make him live by his proper good

582 In honor debtless (but if he were wood) ,

583 Or live as scarcely as he might desire;

584 And able for to help all a shire

585 In any case that might fall or hap

586 And yet this Manciple set their all cap.

587 The Reeve was a slender choleric man.

588 His beard was shaved as nigh as ever he can;

589 His hair was by his ears full round shorn;

590 His top was docked like a priest before.

591 Full long were his legs and full leen,

592 Like a staff; there was no calf seen.

593 Well could he keep a garner and bin;

594 There was no auditor could on him win.

595 Well wist he by the drought and by the rain

596 The yielding of his seed and of his grain.

597 His lord’s sheep, his neet, his dairy,

598 His swine, his horse, his steer, and his poultry

599 Was wholly in this Reeve’s governing,

600 And by his covenant gave the reckoning,

601 Since that his lord was twenty year of age.

602 There could no man bring him in arrearage.

603 There’s no bailiff, no herder, no other hine,

604 That he not knew his sleight and his covine;

605 They were adread of him as of the death.

606 His dwelling was full fair upon the heath,

607 With green trees shaded was his place.

608 He could better than his lord purchase.

609 Full rich he was astored privily.

610 His lord well could he please subtlely,

611 To give and lend him of his own good,

612 And have a thank, and yet a coat and hood.

613 In youth he had learned a good mister:

614 He was a well good wright, a carpenter.

615 This Reeve sat upon a full good stot

616 That was all pomely grey, and called Scot.

617 A long surcoat of perse upon him hade,

618 And by his side he bore a rusty blade.

619 Of Norfolk was this Reeve of which I tell,

620 Beside a town men call Baldeswell.

621 Tucked he was as is a friar about,

622 And ever he rode the hindmost of our route.

623 A Summoner was there with us in that place

624 That had a fire-red cherubin’s face,

625 For sauceflemed he was, with eyes narrow.

626 As hot he was and lecherous as a sparrow,

627 With scaled brows black, and piled beard.

628 Of his visage children were afeard.

629 There’s no quick-silver, litharge, nor brimstone,

630 Borax, ceruse, nor oil of tarter none,

631 No ointment that would cleanse and bite,

632 That him might help of his whelks white,

633 Nor of the knobs sitting on his cheeks.

634 Well loved he garlic, onions, and eek leeks,

635 And for to drink strong wine, red as blood;

636 Then would he speak and cry as he were wood.

637 And when that he well drunk had the wine,

638 Then would he speak no word but Latin.

639 A few terms had he, two or three,

640 That he had learned out of some decree –

641 No wonder is, he heard it all the day;

642 And too you know well how that a jay

643 Can call out “Walter” as well as can the pope.

644 But whoso could in other things him grope,

645 Then had he spent all his philosophy;

646 Ay “Questio quid juris” would he cry.

647 He was a gentle harlot and a kind;

648 A better fellow should men not find.

649 He would suffer for a quart of wine

650 A good fellow to have his concubine

651 A twelve month, and excuse him at full;

652 Full privily a finch too could he pull.

653 And if he found anywhere a good fellow,

654 He would teach him to have no awe,

655 In such case of the archdeacon’s curse,

656 But if a man’s soul were in his purse;

657 For in his purse he should punished be.

658 “Purse is the archdeacon’s hell, ” said he.

659 But well I know he lied right indeed;

660 Of cursing ought each guilty man him dread,

661 For curse will slay right as absolving save it,

662 And also ware him of a Significavit.

663 In danger had he at his own guise

664 The young girls of the diocese,

665 And knew their counsel, and was all their rede.

666 A garland had he set upon his head,

667 As great as it were for an ale-stake.

668 A buckler had he made him of a cake.

669 With him there rode a gentle Pardoner

670 Of Rouncivale, his friend and his compeer,

671 That straight was come from the court of Rome.

672 Full loud he sang “Come hither, love, to me! ”

673 The Summoner barred to him a stiff burdoun;

674 Was never trumpet of half so great a sound.

675 This Pardoner had hair as yellow as wax,

676 But smooth it hung as does a strike of flax;

677 By ounces hung his locks that he had,

678 And therewith he his shoulders overspread;

679 But thin it lay, by culpons one and one.

680 But hood, for jollity, wore he none,

681 For it was trussed up in his wallet.

682 He thought he rode all of the new jet;

683 Disheveled, save his cap, he rode all bare.

684 Such glaring eyes had he as a hare.

685 A Vernicle had he sowed upon his cap;

686 His wallet, before him in his lap,

687 Bretfull of pardon come from Rome all hot.

688 A voice he had as small as has a goat.

689 No beard had he, nor ever should have;

690 As smooth it was as it were late shave.

691 I trow he were a gelding or a mare.

692 But of his craft, from Berwick into Ware

693 Nor was there such another pardoner.

694 For in his male he had a pillow-bier,

695 Which that he said was Our Lady’s veil;

696 He said he had a gobbet of the sail

697 That Saint Peter had, when that he went

698 Upon the sea, ‘til Jesus Christ him hent.

699 He had a cross of latten full of stones,

700 And in a glass he had pigs’ bones,

701 But with these relics, when that he found

702 A poor person dwelling upon land

703 Upon a day he got him more money

704 Then that the person got in months twey;

705 And thus, with feigned flattery and japes,

706 He made the person and the people his apes.

707 But truly to tell at the last,

708 He was in church a noble ecclesiast.

709 Well could he read a lesson or a story,

710 But all the best he sang an offertory;

711 For well he wist, when that song was sung,

712 He must preach and well affile his tongue

713 To win silver, as he full well could;

714 Therefore he sang the merrily and loud.

715 Now have I told you truly, in a clause,

716 The estate, the array, the number, and too the cause

717 Why that assembled was this company

718 In Southwerk at this gentle hostelry

719 Called the Tabard, fast by the Belle.

720 But now is time to you for to tell

721 How that we baren us that same night,

722 When we were in that hostelry allright;

723 And after will I tell of our voyage

724 And all the remnant of our pilgrimage.

725 But first I pray you, of your courtesy,

726 That you not ascribe it to my villainy,

727 Though that I plainly speak in this matter,

728 To tell you their words and their cheer.

729 Nor though I speak their words properly.

730 For this you know also well as I:

731 Whoso shall tell a tale after a man,

732 He must rehearse as nigh as ever he can

733 Every word, if it be in his charge,

734 All speak he never so rudely or large,

735 Or else he must tell his tale untrue,

736 Or feign things, or find words new.

737 He may not spare, although he were his brother;

738 He might as well say one word as another.

739 Christ spoke himself full broad in holy writ,

740 And well you know no villainy is it.

741 Eek Plato said, whoso can him read,

742 The words must be cousin to the deed.

743 Also I pray you to forgive it me,

744 All have I not set folk in their degree

745 Here in this tale, as that they should stand.

746 My wit is short, you may well understand.

747 Great cheer made our Host us everyone,

748 And to the supper set he us anon.

749 He served us with victuals at the best;

750 Strong was the wine, and well to drink us lest.

751 A seemly man our host was withall

752 For he'd been a marshal in a hall.

753 A large man he was with even step -

754 A fairer burgess was there none in Chepe -

755 Bold of his speech, and wise, and well taught,

756 And of manhood he lacked right naught.

757 Eek thereto he was right a merry man;

758 And after supper playing he began,

759 And spoke of mirth among other things,

760 When that we had made our reckonings,

761 And said thus: "Now, lords, truly,

762 You've been to me right welcome, heartily;

763 For by my troth, if that I shall not lie,

764 I saw not this year so merry a company

765 At once in this herber as is now.

766 Fain would I do you mirth, knew I how.

767 And of a mirth I am right now bethought,

768 To do you ease, and it shall cost naught.

769 "You're going to Canterbury - God you speed,

770 The blissful martyr quit you your meed!

771 And well I know, as you go on by the way,

772 You'll shape you to tell and to play;

773 For truly, comfort nor mirth is none

774 To ride by the way dumb as a stone;

775 And therefore will I make you disport,

776 As I said erst, and do you some comfort.

777 And if you like all by one assent

778 For to stand at my judgment,

779 And for to work, as I shall you say,

780 Tomorrow, when you ride by the way,

781 Now by my father's soul that is dead,

782 But you be merry, I will give you my head!

783 Hold up your hands, without more speech."

784 Our counsel was not long for to seek.

785 We thought it was not worth to make it wise,

786 And granted him without more avise,

787 And bade him say his verdict as he lest.

788 "Lords," said he, "now hearken for the best;

789 But take it not, I pray you, in disdain.

790 This is the point, to speak short and plain,

791 That each of you, to short with our way,

792 In this voyage shall tell tales tway

793 To Canterbury-ward, I mean it so,

794 And homeward he shall tell another two,

795 Of adventures that awhile have befall.

796 And which of you that bears him best of all -

797 That is to say, that tells in this case

798 Tales of best sentence and most solace -

799 Shall have a supper at all our cost

800 Here in this place, sitting by this post,

801 When that we come again from Canterbury.

802 And for to make you the more merry,

803 I will myself goodly with you ride,

804 Right at my own cost, and be your guide;

805 And whoso will my judgment gainsay

806 Shall pay all that we spend by the way.

807 And if you vouchsafe that it be so,

808 Tell me anon, without words more,

809 And I will early shape me therefore."

810 This thing was granted, and our oaths swore

811 With full glad heart, and prayed him also

812 That he would vouchsafe for to do so,

813 And that he would be our governor,

814 And our tale’s judge and reporter,

815 And set a supper at a certain price,

816 And we will ruled be at his devise

817 In high and low; and thus by one assent

818 We were accorded to his judgment.

819 And thereupon the wine was fetched anon;

820 We drank, and to rest went each one,

821 Without any longer tarrying.

822 At morning, when that day began to spring,

823 Up rose our Host, and was all our cock,

824 And gathered us together all in a flock,

825 And forth we rode a little more than pace

826 Unto the watering of Saint Thomas;

827 And there our Host began his horse to rest

828 And said, "Lords, hearken, if you lest,

829 You know your forward, and I it you record.

830 If even-song and morning-song accord,

831 Let's see now who shall tell the first tale.

832 As ever must I drink wine or ale,

833 Whoso be rebel to my judgment

834 Shall pay for all that by the way is spent.

835 Now draw cut, er we further twin;

836 He which that has the shortest will begin.

837 "Sir Knight, " said he, "my master and my lord,

838 Now draw cut, for that is my accord.

839 "Come near, " said he, "my lady Prioress.

840 And you, sir Clerk, let be your shamefacedness,

841 Study it not; lay hand to, every man! "

842 Anon to draw every wight began,

843 And shortly for to tell it as it was,

844 Were it by adventure, or sort, or case,

845 The truth is this: the cut fell to the Knight,

846 Of which full blithe and glad was every wight,

847 And tell he must his tale, as was reason,

848 By forward and by composition,

849 As you have heard; what need words more?

850 And when this good man saw that it was so,

851 And he that wise was and obedient

852 To keep his forward by his free assent,

853 He said, "Since I shall begin the game,

854 What, welcome be the cut, by God's name!

855 Now let us ride, and hearken what I say."

856 And with that word we rode on forth our way,

857 And he began with right a merry cheer

858 His tale anon, and said as you may hear.

0 notes

acmecomics · 8 years ago

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America #1

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Animosity TPB Vol 1

Cosmic Scoundrels #1

Extremity #1

James Bond: Black Box #1

One And Future Queen #1

Riverdale One Shot

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Spider-Man Homecoming Prelude #1

Star Wars #29

Tales From The Darkside HC

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STAND OMNIBUS HC SLIPCASE (MATURE READERS)

STAR WARS MARVEL YEARS OMNIBUS HC VOL 01 CHAYKIN COVER

STAR WARS MARVEL YEARS OMNIBUS HC VOL 02 DAY COVER

STAR WARS MARVEL YEARS OMNIBUS HC VOL 03

UNDERSTANDING COMICS SC NEW PRINTING

WEREWOLF BY NIGHT OMNIBUS HC

RE-ORDER TRADE PAPERBACKS, GRAPHIC NOVELS, & HC’S at ACP

BONE COLOR EDITION SC VOL 01 OUT FROM BONEVILLE NEW PRINTING

BONE VOL ONE EDITION SC

DISNEY FAIRIES GN VOL 01 PRILLA’S TALENT

DISNEY PRINCESS COMICS COLLECTION TP VOL 01

DRAMA GN

LUMBERJANES TP VOL 01

MY LITTLE PONY FIENDSHIP IS MAGIC TP

MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC TP VOL 02

MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC TP VOL 03

MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC TP VOL 05

MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC TP VOL 10

READING WITH PICTURES HC

OZ OMNIBUS HC

STAR WARS JEDI ACADEMY YOUNG READER HC VOL 03 PHANTOM BULLY

STAR WARS JEDI ACADEMY YOUNG READER HC VOL 04 NEW CLASS

SUPPLIES

MARVEL GRAPHIC COMIC BOXES X-MEN BLUE

MARVEL GRAPHIC COMIC BOXES X-MEN GOLD

This Week’s Comics & Merchandise 03.01.2017! NEW COMICS (RECOMMENDATIONS IN BOLD) AMAZING SPIDER-MAN CLONE CONSPIRACY OMEGA ONE SHOT - In the wake of the personally devastating Clone Conspiracy that affected so many characters, the Rhino comes after Spider-man with a vengeance!

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