#and then lack of knowledge of myself etc. etc. etc. means i can't tell what in my head belongs to/comes from me

[perplexingluciddreams]

Reading on my new kindle. Getting lost in the familiar rhythm of reading words on a page is such a lovely feeling.

The times I felt safest as a child were when I was reading. Usually curled up in bed around a book, sometimes using a book light or a torch to read under the covers in the dark (when I was supposed to be sleeping!).

I have written lots in the past about how I process language and how much I am - and am not - able to comprehend (and how that has changed over years). I won't go into that more here, mostly because I don't have adequate words right now.

The fact is - I was most likely not understanding or comprehending or experiencing a book/story in as full a way as someone else, or in the way it was intended. However, that does not take away from the impact that reading it had on me, and how it made me feel. How reading still makes me feel (even with all that I lack in the way of imagination and mental visualisation and so on and so forth).

I am not sure what I am trying to say or if I am saying it right. I think my point is; the act of reading makes me feel the same every single time, over years and years. It is one of the most consistent things throughout my lifetime. And I don't have many of those consistent things that are positive and safe and lovely.

Reading has been, for most of my life, one of the very few things I can confidently say about myself. I like to read. I read a lot. I love books. I don't have much sense of self or identity. Reading (and my other special interests) gives me something that I can at least use as a stand-in for an identity.

I am grateful for this.

[seventh-district]

not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

[lucysarah-c]

Frankly, I've always found it strange, myself included, why Levi never mentions Isabel and Farlan. For example we don't even see them in the flashbacks where he remembers his comrades. But if I had to think of the most logical reason I could think of, it's more likely that it's because they're not characters of Yams own creation. No Regrets is a script that Yams commissioned someone else to write for the Levi background, a spinoff that was not written by Isayama himself, and the characters there are not Yams characters, except for Levi and Yams characters.

In one of the interviews I read about No regrets, I read that Isayama wanted this story to be written/drawn because he wanted a spinoff that was more about how Levi joined Survey corps. That's exactly what it is, if I remember what was written correctly. Maybe you've seen it too. My point is this, Perhaps the reason Isayama never mentions Farlan and Isabel in his own story is because they are not his characters, but also because both Farlan and Isabel and No Regrets itself, are more of background tools on how Levi joined Sc.

Hi! How are you?

Yeah, I think that's a very possible and logical answer. I would 100% believe that would be the reason if other characters were mentioned more frequently. I would be like, "Why does Levi constantly talk or think in this or that character and not Farlan and Isabel?" But overall, I still kinda stick to my idea that we hardly even see any other "remarkable" characters as "flashbacks" from the veterans, and we never hear even Levi mention them. Not just Levi; almost all the characters do not mention other characters overall.

I dare to say that's mostly an "economical" situation. Probably Isayama wasn't allowed to have any extra scenes or do "fill up" chapters to showcase other characters talking about their lives, their thoughts, etc. Like, as an example, I can't recall a single chapter in the manga or anime where Erwin talks about Mike, for example, and it's well-known that they were very close. Hange is the same. I hardly think that Levi or anyone actually actively thinks or mentions other characters in the story unless it's an "emotional or plot-wise" moment, like recalling fallen comrades, like Marco, etc.

I think that was mostly my point of view on the issue. Levi doesn't think about Farlan or Isabel, but because Levi or any other SNK character thinks or mentions other characters beside strict plot-wise necessity, and it's obvious that Farlan and Isabel aren't "plot-wise" necessities. I personally think that most of the "relationships" between characters can be "assumed" by how they interact in "spin-offs" like chibis and "junior high." I think they serve a bit to fill up that void with also the "game's extras stories etc."

Which, and this is already me rambling, I had always found it strange that it's showcased in official art, chibis, junior high, etc., that the veterans were rather close, but during the Uprising Arc, Levi mentions Kenny to Hange and they knew absolutely nothing about him. I think it would have been a nice touch, not only for Hange but for any "veteran," if Levi decided to be "100% honest" about his childhood, like telling being raised by Kenny, they could act like, "You mentioned before a bit about it but I never imagined you were talking about Kenny the ripper." A sort of "oh, you told us a bit about your past but never in detail and now that's plot-wise important, we get the details, we understand it a bit more because we are close to you than the rest but that 'extra information' isn't important enough for the reader to be aware of it but my knowledge about it showcases my closeness to you" sort of thing? I don't know if that makes sense; that's what I mean that for me Isayama lacks a bit in the writing relationship departments because those little details are so subtle but mean so much.

Anyways, the good thing is that we can fill that void with fanfics!

[eleni-cherie]

ok nobody's gonna see or care this but I'm gonna rant bc I am sick of my life and maybe someone can relate: so long story short, I'm a 27 year old graphic designer who was working 2 years at a big e-commerce shop until the new asshole supervisor didn't want to continue my contract that expired bc of his hurt ego bc I (along w pretty much everyone else bc he liked to pick fights w ppl from all departments bc he got into everyone's business) dared to argue w him BC HE KEPT CHANGING HIS MIND EVERY TWO MINS AND KEPT CONTRADICTING HIMSELF ALL THE TIME. so I lost my job last October and ever since I'm unemployed. I live in germany (Berlin) so I get unemployment money, but it only lasts for a year and it's already the end of July and I still can't manage finding a job although I've probably applied to 90 jobs by now of which only about 10-15 turned into job interviews - or the new trend "getting to know you meetings". of which only 1 invited me for a 2nd interview. now I get there's sadly so many designers, the job market is kinda oversaturated and for one job probably 20-30 ppl apply. but then sometimes this isn't even the problem. I had an interview for what seemed to be my dream job so I was super excited for this but then when I met the two guys doing it, they were very underwhelming. I mean little to no reaction to what I was telling them about myself and at the end they only asked 3 quite superficial questions. that's it. meanwhile others for companies I'm less suitable for, ask me like 20. then there's this other case, where they give you tasks and I don't mind tasks but one time I'd have needed the whole creative suit for them and like - hello? I'm unemployed and don't have the extra money to spend 60 euros every month on Adobe? I only an old Photoshop Version and that's it. then another time they gave me tasks that were only 40% graphic design related (but very vague descriptions/no real info) and 60% marketing/copyright related and like sorry, but I only have basic marketing knowledge and I'm not a fcking ad writer? there's this trend nowadays, they say they want a graphic designer but what they really want is a graphic designer / marketing expert / social media manager / copywriter / photographer / editor / etc. but still w only a graphic designer salary, so they don't have to pay five different ppl. like FCK YOU!

and thing is, in my desperation I even applied to random jobs (which said "No experience needed" in the description) like vendor or barrista. even in a copyshop where I thought I should fit in bc of my knowledge of print products, but either no response at all or I "lacked sale experience". bc Idk how it's in other countries but here you need a certificate for anything. even for a shop vendor you need a 3 year long apprenticeship. for a moment I contemplated going freelance or self-employed but a) I got no fcking clue how and what I have to do and b) taxes and insurance system in Germany is insane, I read an article and was overwhelmed.

So yeah, I'm getting fed up and sad and mad mostly also very anxious about my fcking future bc it honestly seems like I'll end up just moving back to my parents at this point. idk what to do anymore. I try and try and try, but nothing happens and I'm just done. the pressure is overwhelming and the sad thing is, I purposely decided not to visit my relatives/my grandparents this summer (the live in greece) thinking I "might find a job" and even if not, I don't have the extra money for plane tickets! they're extremely overpriced. and it's sad bc whenever I talk to my grandparents they say they miss me and how they're worried about me being unemployed. and my grandparents aren't the youngest anymore either (83 and 89) and I haven't seen then in a year, so that only saddens me more on top of feeling like an overall loser.

[an-asuryampasya]

[venting into the void]

screammm. It's been two weeks and I still don't really feel like I've properly accepted this master's program I'm doing. Sure, I'm attending classes and stuff but I keep catching myself feeling it's all a bit unreal, and not in a good way. In a 'hmm this was a fun experiment, I'm ready to go home now' kinda way. Sort of? I really don't know how to describe it. But I just. Don't know if this is it. And that is Not Fun because getting here was a pain. Choosing to walk away from engineering, or my dad made sure to impress upon me, "wasting my seat at one of the country's best universities that could've gone to someone who would've at least done justice to the seat and been more deserving of the heavily subsidised education you received" was not a decision I made easily. I really wish I made it knowing WHAT I wanted to do instead, and not this nebulous idea of "something in the arts". I know it was a decision I made at the time since it felt the only way I could stay sane, but aaaaaaaah I really wish I had had something more concrete to base it on.

I can just walk away from this degree, but I really wish I wasn't even contemplating it. I won't drop out, because I'm a coward, but sweet fuck how I wish I didn't even want to. I don't even know what I'd go towards anyway, so might as well do this I suppose. Aaaaaah how I hope I feel more excited about this course soon.

I hate it here. Hate /everything/ about this stupid place. Delhi can go die. I mean the sheer number of museums and historic buildings is very nice, I'll give it that, but that's about the only thing that's even passably nice about this stupid place. fuck, within a week it managed to make me feel comforted by hearing sodding Tamil just because it was a language other than fucking Hindi for once (nothing against Tamil, the cussing is because it really makes no sodding sense to be comforted by a language even more alien to me than Hindi. I know Hindi but don't know a lick of Tamil and yet I was ready to CRY when I heard full sounds and not the aborted consonants (in Hindi you'd say Shiv as opposed to Shiva, etc.))

I don't get it though. I never felt homesick during my undergrad, despite that being a much longer stint outside of home and when I was much younger. Heck, I never even imagined I'd miss Telugu in the first place, given how fucked up my relationship with my own language/culture is. And YET. Took less than a week over here to get me, someone who's already used to living away from home in a land with very different languages and culture, to want to cry because I just wanted to freely be able to say the Telugu equivalent of "my foot" when something annoying happened. It's messing with my brain because I still don't feel comfortable with Telugu and yet I crave it and I don't know what to make of that. I suppose it's nice that since literally nobody around me knows shit about South India (no really, they know NOTHING, can't even tell whole-ass states apart) I can be more telugu-y than I usually feel comfortable being because there's no one around to make me realise how bad at being telugu I am? Like I can gush about pickles without fear because no one will know what basic knowledge about them I lack. I can actually explore how I like presenting myself when there's no one around to test how Well I am doing at being Telugu. And I guess that's sorta nice? I find myself writing in Telugu far more now when I'm writing random stuff to stay awake in class, because no one can judge my shitty handwriting or realise that I don't know how to write some pretty basic stuff in Telugu. Turns out I like some things about being Telugu after all and I feel both joyful and abject despair at this discovery. But whatever, that's something I can work out in time, as I learn to be more forgiving of my past self.

But for now I don't know if I want to continue this course. And it's the first time I /chose/ something entirely on my own and had to really pigheadedly push to get here. So it's terrifying to regret my choice now. Where would I go? And who do I have to blame except my own useless indecisive self. But I don't know how I feel about this place. Hate the city, am not reassured by the university, and the course content isn't exactly blowing my mind or even making me sigh in relief at how different it is from engg. On the contrary, I'm wondering if I should've just stuck to my plan of doing concrete tech - at least that I actively enjoyed to a significant extent.

I may have made a pretty big fucking mistake, aaaaaah. I desperately hope I feel differently soon.

also delhi sucks so much.

[gryphis-eyes]

From witchcraft asks 41, 52 and 93 💖

Hello 💐

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you?

I often talk about this one to people who talk to me about my craft ; I physically saw the demon I interacted with after asking for a confirmation, he looked like a tall shadow figure for some reason I was afraid but also felt so calm when I saw him (kinda sad it happened once in the beginning of my practice and now I rarely see stuff)

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve?

New ager/wicca . At first I tried to just avoid them, then after joining the divination community I was face to face with them so I was just telling myself "k act like you tolerate it's not your practice it's ok" but oh boy new age is making a lot of damage where I live, almost erasing other types of witchcraft. I'm truly tired of seeing people talking about appropriated stuff (spirit animals or Lilith) without making a lot of research or they just look at ressources that agree with them :| or they say "but I don't mean any harm" ok then stop ? Also they are still using twin flame related stuff while we all know where it come from etc but "no I don't mean any harm while talking about it, I'm not talking about the evil twin flame" no no there is only one twin flame concept and if you want an other term there is simply "soulmate" even if this term got lost in a lot of false belief. I'm saying that here because I mostly see new ager/wiccan do that but I'm sure other people from other belief system do it, acting like everyone got the same belief as you. The easiest exemple can be the whole drama about curses and that if you do one it goes back to you 3 times but there is an other one. As a someone who works a lot with demon how many people I saw talking to me or an other person in the same kind of path that involve demon saying "demons are harmful being and straight up evil !!!"... And ? First of all demons are neutral, second... Why are you saying this to someone who work with them, exchange with them and see them in a total different way ? Oh you're going to show me their description from goetia who isn't something we refer to and is not even the surface of those beings🥹?

I'll stop there because I can't stop talking haha but you get the image there are some other stuff but that's the biggest one, the second one is the obsession with astrology but with my lack of knowledge I can't say more it just makes me feel weird that people tell you "you got free will" then tell you everything is writed on your chart... So it's like Naruto you say destiny doesn't exist and you're the one shaping the futur but in the end destiny exist and everything was writed from the beginning?

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities?

Oh boy my first advice will sound annoying but I've been there, the short answer is don't search for your matron/patron it's like searching for a lover and only wanting your soulmate, the long answer is yes search for that but it need a lot patience (also the term patron/matron comes from Wicca, I think but people always end up with a "main deity"/patron)

I'm going to show you a simple exemple I'm in a group of people who started witchcraft togheter (we are 4) and evolved together, one of us chosed her deity right in the beginning, two of us ignored their true call (I'm one of those two 🫣) and the last one was just waiting for things to fall on his laps

Now we are on our 8th year of practice, yes we all found our main deity now (and it took a lot of time)except the one who was waiting for things to fall on his lap but he know where to search.

1. Don't wait for a deity to chose you, maybe you got some connexion with one but don't know it yet it's possible but from my experience no one is chosed

2. Since you're a kid is there an entity or an archetype that always inspired you, for me it was Lucifer (I've made a post about it maybe it can help)

3. Do you truly want a patron ? Here it's pure on my pov, having a patron mean it's an entity you'll be bound to, it's being devoted to them maybe now without being into it you tell yourself it sound good and yes it's nice to know that there is this being you can trust and got your back but it also mean you have to put the work etc

4. Let's say you really like Artemis but you're not a big fan of the Greek pantheon and their belief in general, do you like Artemis or do you like the moon ? The hunter archetype ? That she is a goddess ? The animals associated with her ? Or you can ask yourself those questions without having a deity in mind

5. Time spend with a deity ≠ they are my patron

I've been working with Leviathan since many years, he isn't my patron and I'm not his devotee, Lucifer made many appearance but I've not spent that much time with him, he is now my patron. Asmodeus was presented to me as having the potential to be my patron but when I worked with him I didn't felt like it or maybe it's meant to happen in the futur who know but in the end I'm not working with him anymore

6. Know that in the end you'll find your patron/main deity. It's someone that you find along the way sometimes it's someone who's just next to you but you're not looking at the good ones, you are free to chose and free to meet as many deity as you want until you tell yourself "damn I love that one we got a amazing bound". Be patient, it's ok to meet and entity you work well with but then they leave or you don't feel like working with them anymore, it's ok if you search thousand of pantheon as long as you go in those place with sincerity. Hell, i've been from Tyr to Loki then to Apollo and many others I've even tried to approach Tiamat, yes it's a lot of deities but when I was on their side I was doing it with sincerity and pure wish of wanting to learn from them and "pay back" for their services. Even now if I have found my path I told myself many times that I miss Apollo but it really wasn't for me, same with the Egyptian pantheon I truly love them but I felt so distant just like when I worked with the Norse pantheon I didn't find a home but I found a pantheon that accepted to welcome me in their home and let me learn then let me leave once I was ready.

(I hope I didn't went too far haha)

[phantomwarrior12]

Quick PSA - Eternity Entwined

TW: Mention of body dysmorphia

As most of you are aware, I incorporated a brief instance of body dysmorphia in an earlier chapter of the series. This was something I intended to expand on and address as the series progressed as body dysmorphia is a major thing for Exos and plays a huge role in their "life cycles".

That being said, I had intended to bring the first instance of "trouble" in Chapter 7. The premise was that Tevez, given he spends all his time with Essa, forgets he has to be the one to self-regulate those episode (I use episodes loosely. I struggle with body dysmorphia myself but it's not what I'd call a...life-altering or huge influence over how I process things. I'm aware that's probably not the correct term). He becomes almost reliant on her and her touch to ground him which, obviously, isn't healthy for either of them.

I had a whole scene written out where he talks to her about it. He tells her he has to get back to managing on his own, citing that it isn't fair or healthy for either of them. But no matter how many times I made adjustments, it didn't seem to do the whole thing justice. By that, I mean I don't feel I have enough knowledge/experience to properly portray the magnitude of their dynamic given that my own experience is what I'd refer to as "a milder case". I also don't want to unintentionally "glorify" or "romanticize" the idea that a dynamic like that is healthy. It's never okay to make your partner your "regulator" for any mental illness, condition, etc...

So, my point is: That arc is scrapped. I can't portray it in a manner that really drives home the negative aspects and truly addresses the issue at its core. I don't feel comfortable posting some half-baked explanation, etc... That being said, this isn't meant as an erasure or anything for folks who do deal with it. This is me admitting that I lack the knowledge to portray it correctly and don't want to fuck it up and give folks the wrong idea about it (again, due to my own milder struggle with it).

Going forward, there will still be instances where Tevez struggles with his body dysmorphia (especially as we grow closer to his first reset), but the severity of them will be addressed in passing. No explicit details (to avoid triggers, etc...). So, if you get to a point and something feels like it's missing? It's because there's an arc that's gone. I'm in the process of rewriting the chapter to compensate for the stuff I took out and address a different issue with Tevez’s stubborn ass personality.

If anyone has any questions/concerns, feel free to reach out. I will try to address everything but I want to be clear: those scenes will not be posted at all, anywhere.

That's all, folks! :)

~ Phantom

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: What is a best way to know if a certain college major or its career path is right for me without internships or job shadowing (as these options are neither available nor common where I am) ?

a) Should it be something I think I might be interested in/comfortable with? (Something I'm not anxious about).

b) Something I'm scared of (like something math or physics-heavy, like engineering) about which I'm interested or curious, but have to try hard to overcome my fears (of math) or practice hard to regain those skills?

c) Something I despise when I study its references, but at least doesn't involve math and physics much?

And should I highly consider its career prospect and salary or not? Like, what if my interest has a low-paying career path? Or what if what I'm curious but fearful about pays well?

I mean, people either tell me to go for my interest no matter what, or tell me to go for something respectful, or something that pays well or has many job options.

They say: "Will you still be interested in that field after experiencing its downsides, such as being dependent on economy and facing layoffs, having a hard time finding a job, average-to-low salary, lots of unpayed overtime working, etc".

Others say: "You only live once. Can you get yourself to wake up and go to a work/workplace you despise so much every day for the rest of your life, and still be happy and functioning?"

Prior to this, I chose a college major (years ago) that turned out to be a wrong choice for me, so I never worked in that area after graduation. I don't want to make the same mistake again by going into another wrong career path.

Not sure if my mbti type helps here or not. I'm still unsure about it. I'm stuck between INTP and INFJ. My depression and some of my life challenges resemble the Ti-looped INFJ asks here, but my interests and other personal troubles seem INTP.

To give you a career-related example, I sometimes enjoy reading about psychology (a stereotypical NFJ career), but based on my knowledge of self, I can't become a good psychologist myself as I lack the Fe, people skills or the emotional intelligence needed for it (INTP-looking).

-------------------------

1) If you don't know your type, do a proper type assessment by following the instructions on the contact page. I won't comment on it otherwise. Knowledge of type allows one to grow self-awareness and address one's problems with perception and judgment. Having better judgment is generally useful, in life and career.

2) As a matter of principle, I don't tell people how to decide things. It's not my place. Career choice is a personal choice. Personal choices should be based on a good awareness and understanding of yourself, including your: preferences, needs, desires, beliefs, values, aptitudes, talents, skills, hopes, dreams, goals, and aspirations. Based on what you've said, whichever type you are, you are sorely lacking in judging function development, and that is needed for making good personal choices. You are asking everyone about something that is your own personal business. You're just adding more and more information and neglecting the fact that you have nothing within with which to draw a conclusion.

3) If you don't want to make the same mistakes again, you ought to figure out exactly why you made the mistakes to begin with and make sure to neutralize those factors the next time around.

4) Beyond career, in order to live life well, you can't feel constantly bogged down by mental health issues and problems. Always address poor mental health in a timely manner, preferably by seeking the help that you need.

[aminiatureworld]

HI! Quick note: write this whenever you want and be sure to take care of your health first! Your works are amazing and masterpieces take time, I can be patient <3 Hope you have a lovely day! (also, 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: trigger themes like attempts of suicide, probable hints to dissociative amnesia? I was inspired by it at least and some... Limb being bitten off as well as latest archon quest spoilers so readers be cautious!)

Anyway, I'd like to request for Xiao, Albedo, Zhongli, Kaeya and Diluc (if the number is too much you can cut off whoever from the list) with Traveller! s/o that like has no memory of their past but have clues through these... "Visions/Dreams".

It started out a little simple; every once in a while, Y/N would see these little figures floating around their environment. Shadowy wisps, sometimes ghosts talking to them. But in real life, people can't see them and only sees them talking by themselves (and some are a little weirded out). But then one day, while they were out adventuring in the ruins slimes or seelies... Whatever small cute creatures can exist in Teyvat suddenly gathered in Stormterror's lair and they grew curious cuz they heard... Music? Playing? It was echo-y and creepy but then they heard a very familiar tune that they KNOW is linked to their past so they followed and went into the vicinity

(As reference, or for some idea: https://youtu.be/JZ6buLNIgs8)

The moment they stepped inside and pinpointed where the music is coming from they bolted up the stairs (if there are any, which probs not but in reader's case there is) and suddenly the stairs lead them to a hallway from a tower/palace, and walking further, there were two huge doors that lead to a ballroom with more than dozens of ghosts waltzing and singing with the music

(No they did not question why would stormterror's lair have a hallway or how it even has a ballroom inside, nor why creatures would gather in said lair. Questions that break away from dreams are nonexistent)

So obviously they were happy at the wondrous sight and began waltzing along with everyone from strangers to... Unrecognizable but familiar faces? Until They danced with this boy their age. The more they looked the more they were enamored and the world around them was but a hazy dream (as vague and hazy the environment in their head can get) but the boy became more and more vivid and so did the music until they practically sang together. But then as the music stopped and s/o turned their back for a second; the boy sang: "And a song someone sings..." And wisps suddenly flew out of him and towards Reader, making them fall unconscious into their arms as the Prince of the Abyss sang in their ear. "Once upon a december..." Before Aether disappeared and he was but a dream.

And then all of a sudden Reader was yanked away from their dream; almost literally. They turned to see their lover holding onto their arm with concern all over their face and explained to them they were so close to the edge dancing away they could've fallen off of the third floor (which was already high!).

And that's when things get a turn to the worse.

Every dream gets worse than the last; anything that involved the abyss, or seeing these star pendants like what Paimon has on her hair or Kaeya's little decor on his clothes or involving Khaenriah or whatever Albedo's research is rn lure them into a dream vivid than the last and it gets even harder and harder to break them off their dreams. One night of going to bed they suddenly had a dream of their old family/friends swimming in the ocean and telling them to join them, and they wouldve if their lover didnt sweep them off their feet and broke away from another dream they didnt realize was 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 a dream. And the realization that if they jumped off, their bones wouldve broken cuz a bunch of boulders and rocks on a steep cliff would make a nice floor for landing right?

But still, Aether and the abyss (which in their dreams were ghosts and just... this blond guy you knew but never realized it was your brother and the abyss) are recurring themes. Coming across any of the factors instantly puts them in a dream and reader cant tell whats reality and what isnt. Everything is too vivid they didnt see a bubble coming their way or an attack coming towards them and they were about to be thrown off. It got to the point Reader was getting claustrophic from the rooms suddenly shrinking as they were cornered by these ghosts that turned frightening and whenever they fight back they end up nearly murdering someone of mindlessly attempting to destroy one of The Seven statues.

It lead Reader to be.. Kinda suicidal. Not just because they hate themselves and their situation its cuz its the 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑤𝑎𝑦 they knew how to escape the dream and wake up in a bed in their lovers arms. And because reader cant distinguish reality from dreams sometimes even if their lover is present they see these ghosts and think 'this must be a dream I have to wake up from!' cuz in the long run theyve learned fighting back meant hurting someone so they.. Redirected the pain to themselves so theyre very confused to see their lover throw their dagger across the room and they end up breaking down no matter where they are (or in worse cases in the middle of battle). Reader grew dependant on them and panic attacks after these dreams became more frequent until they cant even trust their surroundings whether its a dream or not.

(I'm very sorry with how long this is and I rambled in grotesque detail you may polish it however you want :"DD)

This can be in any format you'd like! But I mostly prefer headcanons + scenarios? like the bullets then comes scenario etc. But ye write however you want sorry for rambling hope you have a nice day thank you

As a Romanov history enthusiast this request was both very interesting and very difficult. Mostly because I found myself veering off into “lore dumping” for lack of a better term. Still I hope the general feeling of your request was captured well.

I spread various aspects of your request around as best I could, depending on character, outline, fic structure, etc. The only thing I didn’t keep in was the suicidal ideation. This is for various reasons, some personal, but in a more general term I think that it can be very difficult to portray something like that in a way that isn’t excessively triggering and is worthwhile to read for a variety of people. The way one person would process through such emotions and put them to paper could be harmful to another. Overall I thought it best to steer clear from such a topic, with the knowledge that I didn’t find it necessary to the story and thought it would be an imperfect addition on my part. Not that I find never addressing such topics necessarily the right path either, only I think that in this case better not to. I hope I explained why adequately. 

I know that wanting to read and write about such topics does not directly correlate to being in such a mental state but I do hope you also take care of your own mental health. Though getting out of such crises can be difficult I want to tell you this at least. You aren’t alone in feeling this way, even if others in your direct vicinity cannot understand. And also sometimes finding a direct reason for continuing on comes later. Sometimes surviving is enough. And even if you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, that doesn’t mean you should take a step which you will never be able to reverse, the only step you will never be able to reverse in your existence.

I also leaned into the Romanov family dynamic, rather into that of the traveler siblings. Whether the reader is the traveler is kept vague on purpose, as I generally as a rule don’t write the siblings. I also found that in keeping them specifically canon compliant to the traveler siblings I’d have to cut back on the more historical illusions. Being a total history nerd I chose the latter option. 

Otherwise my fics varied in complete accuracy to the prompt, though I hope you find it enjoyable to read nonetheless.

Here they are in order of Albedo, Diluc, Kaeya, Xiao, and Zhongli. I hope you find them a worthwhile read and thank you for your request. I hope you have a lovely week.

[flipflap-flipflap]

[Alright take-two on this damn post.  First one got eaten by post editor right as I was ready to post.  You see how long this is?  Save to drafts, kids.]

I’m here to shove a manga on you: Ookami Shounen Wa Kyou Mo Uso O Kasaneru (The Boy Who Cried Wolf Also Told a Lie Today).  It’s a gender bending romance.  Despite how awful that probably sounds, it’s actually really fucking good and I do not say that lightly. 

(No spoilers, this is all in the first chapter)  A high school boy insecure about his intimidating face, Itsuki, has fallen for a shy loner girl, Tokujira, who does not seem specifically phased by his naturally scary face.  So he takes a risk and confesses, but she turns him down brutally.  Itsuki goes to his sister to lament his insecurities about his face, which he (more or less correctly) attributes as why he can’t make connections.  To give him a new perspective on his appearance, his sister (trans btw) gives him a makeover while he’s sleeping and then kicks him to the curb of her salon - fully crossdressed.  On his way home, Itsuki (♀) ends up bumping into Tokujira, and she mistakes him for a boyish girl.  Under this misunderstanding, she asks "her” for a favor...

She has androphobia, and she has it bad.  So much so she can’t even look at men without snapping violently or becoming physically ill.  And Itsuki (♀) is just boyish enough to trigger her, but not enough to lock her down.  So she asks for “her” help, to see if she can desensitize herself to her phobia. Itsuki’s in a bind for a couple obvious reasons, not the least being the guilt of deceiving Tokujira. But nonetheless, he genuinely wants to help her.  So, he decides to continue crossdressing, diving into a lie that he soon finds he has no easy exit from.

I really recommend this manga.  I cannot say that enough times.  It is phenomenal, shattering tropes left and right in fun and interesting ways.  Do yourself a favor and give this manga a try.

Personal feelings and meta analysis below the cut.  It’s, uh, ungodly long, and will get very spoilery.  But I will flag spoilers.  And there will be pretty pictures?

(Also, no, I did not go into this planning to compare a manga about crossdressing to the abolitionist writings of Frederick Douglass, but reality deserves to be a bit absurd sometimes.)

Before you think I’m getting spoilery, with the intro I gave or anything I don’t mark as spoilers, I’m really not.  Everything outside of spoilers is right on the package at the start.  It sounds like I’m spoiling late-game stuff, right?  That’s something that was really fantastic to me: this manga doesn’t spoon feed you.  There’s no arcs of pure silent angst, even at the lowest point in the story. These kids are smart, they think and intuit on the spot, and they share what they’re feeling with each other like good friends do.  Like that next panel down there with Itsuki introspecting about his confidence level while crossdressing?  That’s from the first chapter!  These kids are smart.  And god damn that is so nice to see.

There was a lot I liked about this manga, but at the top is how compelling the protagonist and his internal conflict are.  Right from the first chapter he’s already wracked with guilt about what he’s about to do: deceive this girl by pretending to be a safe space.  But Tokujira told Itsuki (♀) she hopes to one day be able to fall in love, and Itsuki wants to ensure she can have that - even if it’s not him that gets to confess to her.  He’s fully aware of exactly how fucked up what he’s doing is, and is appropriately beating himself up over it in a really realistic way.  But although the guilt never fades, it slowly gains company in happiness. He enjoys this new, fragile life he has constructed around the two precious new friends he's made as a girl.

It was probably easy to gloss over in the synopsis, but arguably the biggest part of Itsuki (♂)’s conflict is his complex about his face.  He looks dangerous, and because of that he is afraid to even lift his head or smile in front of others.  But as Itsuki (♀), he smiles and laughs without fear.  It becomes immediately clear to him on the first day that he's a more confident person while crossdressing.  Happier in a way he can't be as a man.

Botan is easily my favorite character in the series.  She’s introduced early on, as Tokujira’s first and only friend before Itsuki (♀).  At the start she’s a dangerous third wheel, a serious threat to Itsuki’s ability to keep up his lie.  And though the situation is (thankfully) defused rather quickly, she becomes a massive source of internal conflict for Itsuki. Nonetheless, she becomes a dear friend for both Itsuki ♂ and ♀. She’s just so...*chef’s kiss*

^This face is the repository of all my love and affection.

Mark my words, this is the first and I assume last time I will ever say this: love triangle good. You know it’s inevitable in a romance genre piece, but this manga approaches the trope in a new and compelling way. [Spoiler] Needless to say, it’s between Itsuki, Tokujira, and Botan.  But...there’s two Itsukis involved, ♂ and ♀, and in the center of it all is this lie. His lie stops being about him: it's about not hurting these two girls he cares so much about. [/Spoiler]

On a more personal note, I saw so much of myself in Itsuki’s older sister, Ibuki.  She runs a salon, catering especially to crossdressers and transwomen.  She’s a self-described “Youthling”, an alien from the planet Youth, obsessed with observing the exciting and turbulent lives of the youths of earth.  For more or less for the same reasons most of us do: transpeople don’t tend to get the youths we want, if we allow ourselves to experience youth at all. So it’s nice to be able to enjoy it vicariously, through this younger generation that is able to more fearlessly pursue the lives we couldn't. 

^Incidentally, one of my favorite interactions in the manga.

Despite getting Itsuki into this crossdressing mess, she’s someone he can always return to and confide in, and get good, helpful advice from.  Her whole philosophy is to give young people agency to explore their identities and find themselves, and though she tells Itsuki the road he's taking is dangerous as soon as she learns what he's doing, she'll always support him however she can.

That, I feel, is what separates her from other, more creepy/pedophilic enabler types, like Sawako from K-On! or Lucoa from Dragon Maid. It’s a refreshingly honest and respectful portrayal of a quirky adult just trying to be a good older sister.

The last thing I want to say, and I’m not going to even mark this as a spoiler because of course it’s going to happen and if you can’t predict that then you’re not my problem, is that Itsuki of course eventually has to drop his lie.  All I’ll say about it is that it is probably going to live in my head for years. Everything about it, the lead up, the execution, the fallout, and the recovery, are all so masterfully crafted for maximum emotional impact.

That’s all I want to say exclusively about my personal feelings.  On to analysis.  There will be a lot more contextual spoilers here that, even without reading the parts I’ve specially blocked off will probably leak through.  Read at your own risk, but I would recommend revisiting after you have finished the manga.

One thing I really want to talk about is language.  That’s right, I’m going to compare a crossdressing manga to The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, the autobiography of a freed slave turned abolitionist. Douglass talks about a concept that has remained imprinted on my mind ever since I first read it: how and why slaves struggled to comprehend the concept of freedom.  This wasn’t anything to do with fear or “racial inferiority” like pro-slavers would argue, but rather with a lack of vocabulary.  They have all of these feelings and things they know to be true, but lack the words to make meaningful sense of them.  For Douglass specifically, his life completely changed when he learned the word “abolition.”  It was like a floodgate burst, as he was suddenly able to put meaning to feeling, create context from chaos.

And that’s right, we see that happen in a big way, with Tokujira.  This should be an obvious development, but as it happens late in the manga I will mark it [Spoiler].  As Tokujira and Itsuki (♀) practice things like talking, eye contact, holding hands, etc., Tokujira naturally starts to fall for Itsuki (♀).  But she doesn’t understand that.  An important part of her character is that, growing up, she focused on expanding her vocabulary as much as humanly possible in the hopes of being able to better articulate herself.  So words are very important to her.  It’s not until she sees a work of lesbian fiction on display that she finally realizes that’s the word she’s looking for.  The floodgate bursts, and all of her emotions suddenly make sense.  She realizes she loves Itsuki (♀). [/Spoiler]

And I think that is a vital and underexplored concept when discussing LGBT youth, especially in countries where even knowledge of these concepts is taboo.  The reason so many LGBT youth struggle with their identities, especially trans youth, is because we do not have the vocabulary to conceptualize our feelings.  I am always excited to see this concept play out, especially in this context.  It’s such an important thing that needs to be addressed more broadly.

Moving on, I want to talk about historical context of the genre as it relates to what the author did here.  Notably, I want to talk about a specific trope rampant in Japanese queer fiction, specifically early lesbian fiction: the idea that queerdom is a meaningless, youthful phase that children will naturally and inevitably grow out of.  It’s problematic for obvious reasons.

[HELLA HELLA SPOILERS]  My kneejerk reaction to the ending of this manga was that the author fell into this trope.  In the end, Itsuki comes to the conclusion that he does not need to crossdress.  So again, kneejerk.  But...it really wasn’t like that.  He never had any dysphoria; crossdressing was always just a necessity of his circumstance.  Nonetheless he learned to analyze and value his experience crossdressing as a woman, and because of that grew as a man.  And as part of his journey to understand his identity we, through him, see why some people crossdress.  Along with his example, we see why his sister, a bona fide post-op transsexual, has made it a permanent change to her life.  Likewise, we see Miyama, who crossdresses purely for the gender euphoria, but has no (stated) interest in going all the way.  These are all presented as valid and meaningful. [/Spoiler]

Crossdressing, and gender nonconformity in general, is portrayed not as some one-dimensional fetish like cultural taboo would depict it to be, but rather a meaningful exercise for exploring and critically analyzing your own identity.  For some, yes, it’s a phase, but an importantly transformative one when done right.  While for others, it is a gateway to a new way of experiencing and enjoying life.  Or, it’s fun just for the pragmatic reasons...

I honestly cannot recommend this manga enough.  Tragically, I cannot imagine it ever getting an official english translation, so you’ll have to settle for a  scanlation like the one I linked in the title up top (and here, again).  It’s a really good translation, though the site is predictably sketchy.  Warning for lots of NSFW ads.

Read it, and then come talk to me about it!!!  There is basically zero fan community and I need to fangirl with someone!

[itsclydebitches]

Why do you think people aren't able to grasp the more nuance and difference of Ironwood vs a actual villain like Salem? Is the concept that sometimes you can't save everyone and have to make the tough calls hard to understand? I'm all for IW saving everyone and stoping Salem, but the show has yet to provide anyway that's possible. What's he supposed to do? I want to know what people want IW to do that will save Mantle, Atlas, and stop Salem.

I think a lot of it stems from unintentionally and/or willfully misunderstanding what the situation actually is. I list both because sometimes the misunderstanding stems from “I completely forgot they established this eight episodes ago,” sometimes it’s “I spend a lot of time in the fandom and when theories started being presented as facts I didn’t notice the change,” or “I’ve hated this character for so long that anything said even remotely in their favor is going to fall on deaf ears,” etc. There are a lot of ways it can come about, but the takeaway is I don’t think the concept that you can’t always save everyone is hard to understand, so there’s something interfering with the ability to see the situation that way. Those who supposedly don’t understand it are viewing it as Situation B whereas we’re seeing Situation A. We’re asking why they don’t like the taste of apples when they think they’re eating an orange. 

Some concrete examples that I’ve seen in regards to Ironwood: 

“But Ruby can just use her silver eyes. Ironwood is ignoring an obvious weapon here. He’s not even willing to try to fight and that’s bad.” This is applying our knowledge - an audience’s meta, genre savvy knowledge - to the situation, thereby changing it, but it’s not knowledge Ironwood shares. That situation doesn’t exist in the canon. No one has established for him that silver eyes are a potential weapon against Salem. Ruby hasn’t even realized that yet. Why would he risk everything on a theory no one has ever brought up? How much does Ironwood even know about SEWs? It’s a slightly more complicated version of yelling at the protagonist for not arresting the serial killer. The audience has forgotten that we know who the killer is because we have additional knowledge that the character lacks. 

“Ironwood’s plan is stupid. The grimm are just going to fly up to Atlas and then they’ll be trapped. How are they going to feed themselves for months on end? He’s resigning the people of Atlas to a slow, agonizing death.” This is simultaneously ignoring the actual situation and making it sound far worse than it is by assuming a whole bunch of lore that we don’t know anything about, one way or the other. The situation is not, “What’s the best plan Ironwood can come up with and is this one it?” it’s “What’s any plan he can come up with? Because that plan is better than death.” None of our characters claimed flying away was perfect or without problems, just that it had a possibility of ending better than staying to face Salem will. We then have those assumptions tacked on. Do we know how high grimm can fly? No. Do we know how long Atlas can sustain itself? No. Did Ironwood ever say he planned to stay up there for months on end? No. Yet fans are inclined to state the worst potential outcome as facts: grimm can fly that high and Atlas will starve and Ironwood does plan to hide in the clouds forever... even though there’s nothing to support any of that. 

Finally, we got another perfect example in my last reblog: “And Ironwood would leave them to die because of a pissing match he had with Ozpin.” First, framing them disagreeing and then Ironwood listening to Ozpin over the course of many years as a “pissing match” is highly inaccurate. (Insert here: likewise misinterpreting his “I’d have you shot” comment as legitimate setup for him shooting people now). Second, the conflict of whether to leave Mantle behind or stay to fight a doomed battle has nothing to do with Ozpin. He’s still hanging out inside Oscar. He is not a part of this decision process, nor is Ironwood acting like he is. There is nothing in our final episode to suggest that any of Ironwood’s choices stem from a “pissing match” with his former boss... but that sentence sounds really damning, doesn’t it? It’s reeeeallly easy to state something with confidence and allow readers to fill in the blanks: “Well I remember them disagreeing in the past... and this one post said that maybe Ironwood thought he was shooting Ozpin instead of Oscar... so yeah! He’s a villain because he cares more about his fight with Ozpin than his kingdom!” And then they spread that belief further. Yet where is the evidence for this? Not in the scenes where Ironwood and Ozpin resolved their conflicts. Not in Ironwood kindly greeting Oscar when he thought he was Ozpin. Not in the vault scene where Ironwood basically went, “Are you still Oscar?” and Oscar went “Yup” and that was the end of that. When you’ve got fans who watched the episode once (nothing wrong with that, it’s just then easy to misremember things), a fandom that states headcanons as facts, and other fans who are inclined to make confident but unsubstantiated statements, it’s incredibly easy to tell everyone that 2 + 2 = 10. You pick a canon event, present it as something it wasn’t, pick a headcanon, slam them together, and people come to a wildly different conclusion from what you’d get if you’re dealing strictly with the canon. 

So I think anyone is able to grasp the nuance of this situation, it just requires dealing with this situation. Which is why I demand evidence! From both others and myself so that we can see what the situation actually is. Any and every statement made has to be able to be backed up by dialogue, visuals, action, or narration in the canon, or we need to acknowledge when statements have dialogue, visuals, actions, or narration that contradicts them in the canon. Doesn’t mean there isn’t wiggle room - there’s still very much interpretation of these things, as well as contradictions within the canon - but demanding evidence helps keep everyone on the same page. If someone can’t point to when Ironwood learned that silver eyes could potentially defeat Salem, or if they can’t present the dialogue where he says he intends to never land Atlas, or if they can’t show you where they formed the opinion that Ironwood was talking to Ozpin, or if they’re ignoring the five scenes you can pull up that undermine their position... it’s not persuasive. And if it’s not persuasive it’s unlikely to be the real situation. And if it’s not the real situation, then the fan is never going to grapple with the actual question at hand: Is it worth risking everyone you’ve already gotten to safety to fight someone who you currently have no way to beat? 

Evidence is everything. Not to make this a soap box post, but this is how misinformation about ~important~ subjects is spread as well, not just our fun webseries. Has this person misrepresented this situation? Have they left out crucial information? If I ask them to trace their logic will they do so? Does it make sense? Can they point to the moment when they said this thing happened? Can they back up their claims with sources? Do I trust those sources? Honestly, fandom is a great place to practice skills that are going to help you throughout your life and this is one of the reasons why the anger at me making fandom “unnecessarily political” is hilarious. Not only is media inherently political, not only are massive online communities inherently political, but the behavior  we exhibit in fandom is wrapped up in politics as well. Statements like “Ironwood abandoned a city because he was pissed at Ozpin” are just a safe, fictionalized version of “Vaccines will give your kids autism.” They’re both unsubstantiated claims that sound very damning. So you ask, “How did you reach that conclusion? Because if I demand evidence for that I don’t think I’m going to be persuaded...” 

When you’ve got a pocket of fandom that demands and listens to evidence, then you’ve likewise got a pocket working with the same situation. Then you can grapples with the aspects that stem from personal preference and subjectivity: I still stand by Ruby’s inability to leave people behind, Ironwood’s pragmatism resonates with me, I’d call him a hero, I’d call him an anti-hero, now we have to grapple with him shooting people and whether that clearly villainous act is built into his character arc well or if it’s an OOC call of the authors  ... all interpretations that differ, but are cut from the same cloth. 

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[kweebtrash]

Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

[crystalelemental]

Ok... my thoughts about the DLC. I played on hard, and the side story was INSANELY challenging, which was nice because I was craving that. That said... it was really short. They had a perfect opportunity to do playable Sothis and/or Rhea and DIDN'T, which I can't really wrap my head around. It could have only been for one or two maps (the last two) and I would have been satisfied! But nothing. I was kind of hoping for a new part 2 route based on the Ashen Wolves with playable Sothis/Rhea, but...

But no, that didn't happen. Then finally, in addition, neither Constance nor Hapi have marriages with F-Byleth, and there are no new marriages at all besides with those characters? I mean. I'm not happy. I get that Yuri can marry both Byleths but like. Make the others like that. I prefer playing as FByleth because I feel her eyes are more expressive but I can't marry who I want and thats stupid as hell. If this is the complete DLC, I dont think id recommend it to anyone else, honestly.

I’m actually glad we didn’t get a new part 2 route.  I feel like such a decision could’ve very easily been made to be the “peaceful” route, akin to Revelation, where it’s everyone getting to be happy, but is kind of stupid and badly handled.  So while it would’ve been nice for everyone to live, I feel like that would’ve thrown off the balance a bit.

As for the rest...under the cut.

My big issue is they didn’t explain much.  I was honestly hoping for more of an explanation on the how and what of Sitri.  Church route explains that Rhea made Sitri, but we get exactly no insight into exactly what she did or how that’s even possible.  I would have liked to get to know more about Sitri’s origins.  At one point, my guess for Sitri’s body in Abyss was that Rhea just kept the clones down there in her closet and Aelfric just happened to find one of them.

I love Rhea, don’t get me wrong, but I also feel like a lot of this route kinda backpedaled on the Church route exposition.  What I mean is, Church route has Rhea admit to creating human life, and mostly using it as a vessel for her mother’s return.  She doesn’t seem to care much beyond that.  Even Byleth, ultimately, is meant to be a house for the progenitor god, who she ultimately attempts to erase by having Sothis reincarnate in them.  It’s really not a flattering picture for Rhea, who honestly seems really corrupt and selfish in that moment.

Ashen Wolves instead presents this idea that she really cared a lot about Sitri, and was upset at her passing, so much so that she preserved the body in Abyss.  That...doesn’t really line up with what we know of Rhea, as it applies to the vessels she prepares.  I’m all for Rhea actually being nice, and being kinder than most people seem willing to give credit for, but this route felt like it too that almost too far in the direction of “Rhea is innocent.”  Sure, okay.  She really loved Sitri so much that Sitri was like a daughter, and that’s definitely why she kept the body perfectly preserved.  That seems very believable from the person who is currently trying to have us destroyed to bring back her mother.  I guess the parallels with Aelfric are cool, but eh.  There’s a lot that didn’t feel perfect in this route.  I did hear someone on Twitter claim it was Conquest levels of dumb, but I don’t really agree.  I think it was ultimately fine, it just didn’t address the things I’d hope for, and mostly focused on Aelfric’s dick inadequacies.  I went into this hoping for more depth on mysteries within the main game, but instead we got something...completely unrelated, and it’s not bad but it’s not entirely what I had wanted.

I think deep down, I was hoping for what would never happen, which is for anyone to just say Morph or Quintessence.  I know that wouldn’t happen, but the dragonkin are called Nabateans.  Nabateans.  Nabata.  Tell me this is related to Elibe, dammit.  I don’t care how, just do it.

As for gameplay, it was...fun?  I have a lot of thoughts but I’ll stick with two.  One is, reinforcements on these maps suck.  They’re obnoxious and awful and I hate them.  The map conditions are unique and fun, and there are certain conditions that prioritize moving your ass forward rather than trying to just tank out, which is a good way to make use of characters who aren’t Edelgard and Hilda.  I just feel like certain maps went way, way too heavy on reinforcements as a thing, and it really bogged it down.  The DLC is overall pretty short, but some maps felt like an eternity with this dumb shit.  Also Yuri pulls a “set the town on fire to protect it” move by having Hapi summon a bunch of monsters when we’re down to the last three enemy units.  Thanks buddy, that...that’s good thinking there.

The other is that I...actually love the pre-set classes and everything.  I get that people like customization, and the lack of the weapon triangle facilitates that by ensuring no one’s completely fucked because they made an army of Wyvern Lords and Gremories.  But...what’s stopping you from making an army of Wyvern Lords and Gremories?  They’re categorically the best classes, why do you need anything else?  I feel like the lack of weapon restriction alongside the lack of a weapon triangle allows you too much freedom, and it results in a lot of the core gameplay being kinda...less involved.  Skills aren’t that strong, no weapon triangle, no weapon restrictions on your units, double magic casts means you literally never think about running out because there’s so many...the challenges of the game start to become “I can one-shot anything from anywhere because Meteor or Thyrsus,” or “I’m going to bait these enemies out with my godwall, who will tank exactly 100% of all threats with no issue because nothing can stop them.”  It’s not really as fun.  I like to play for stats, but I also like the knowledge that no pure stat wall is going to body the game if you’re not playing smart in most cases.  I feel like Three Houses doesn’t have that.  A unit with strong mixed defense and good attack basically faces no issues at all.  It makes the main game even more of a chore.  I appreciated Ashen Wolves for locking in your base stats, your class option, etc.  But at the same time.  Callie played it and I directed, yet I have no desire to play it myself now.  Because...nothing’s going to be different.  I can’t use different characters for different purposes, and without the customization aspect of the main game, that means there’s...basically no reason to replay it.  I like having things overall be a bit more set, but as a side-story where all characters are deployed, it lacks variety.

All that to say, I kinda agree?  Like, the DLC pack really feels like it’s more for the characters and classes added to the main game.  Which is 100% fine with me.  I am all about Dark Flier Lysithea and will never give this up.  Also Constance best girl, it’s bullshit she’s not a bi option.

[iamthesanctuarian]

Untamed Authenticity

The Great Big Shift many of us are talking about so much is a shift of consciousness in humanity. New realizations, hidden truths, un-remembered vulnerabilities... and STRENGTHS. I've had an incredible journey, one that I am both humbled by, and eager to share. I find people can only take it in parts, though. And this is the part that is on my mind today.

I've come to this point where Authenticity is what I crave; the extreme lack of authenticity in most societies has begun to drive me batshit crazy. The level of deception humans are capable of really gets to me. But how does one go about making a change in this aspect of humanity's conciousness? I came to the conclusion that all I can do, all I can control, is my own authenticity.

Now, I had convinced myself I WAS authentic, that I was transparent, didn't hide my feelings about things, outspoken in certain moods, quiet in others, and downright mean at times. But I've come to understand that my moods are not accurate filters to base my perceptions on. That'll knock the wind right out of someone who talked themselves into believing that they could "beat bipolar".

I didn't really get true relief about how to go about improving the mental anguish until I realized that even if I define this 'condition' differently, understand it in a way that is NOT common, I still have to face the effects, the roller coaster, the dark depths. I was blessed enough to have a friend give me a message from my guides about this; I was determined to beat bipolar stigmas my own way, so anything else wasn't penetrating. But this vision, after thinking about it, mulling it over, letting it marinate in my heart a bit, really clarified things for me once I let down my own stubborn guard.

I can't just cure the thing that I came to do. Which is to say, that most of us are trying to figure out what purpose we came to fulfill, what challenges we came to demonstrate the over-coming of, for the sake of everyone. I am always eager to share my inner knowledge of how to deal with energy, such using the Violet Flame to transmute negative energies, or creating a special sacred space in your heart where you can go to feel your guides and angels, and talk to them when you're ready. Filling your aura with light, or transmitting light from the cosmos in the Gaia's core. But I wanted to believe all of that would 'vibrate me' right out of this emotional spectrum called Bipolar Disorder. My friend's guidance helped me understand that my purpose has more to do with facing these emotional extremes, diving into that darkness which sometimes, I couldn't even admit to myself, was eating up all that light I was trying so hard to emit.

So now I'm ready to talk about this shit. The fact that I was labeled bipolar at a young age, given drugs that are NOT intended to help me, but to keep me buying these drugs. My first untamed authentic statement: Pharmaceutical companies are not trying to create cures or healing products. They are creating CUSTOMERS. Theirs is a PROFIT game. Now, I can't say (though HOW I WANT TO) that I no longer take medications, because I do. And it feels like hipocrisy. Because I'm really very hurt, enraged, and indignant, about being made to take pills that are NOT meant for best interest, but for my continued dependence on them so as to ensure the profits coming in. I know this sounds harsh if you haven't heard it before; I would simply hope you will research it on your own. Don't take my word. Come up with your own conclusion. Mine has become insulted and enfuriated with the many varieties, the many side effects, the absolute determination by external sources to reign in my energy; so much absolute bullshit.

I started when I was 19, and I'm now 45. The drugs all proved to create way more problems than they helped. What they also did was create the belief in my mind, and therefore in my body (your body beleives what you believe and delivers the state of health you believe you are in) that these chemicals were necessary, that the side effects were an inconvenient and uncomfortable part of treating my 'illness'.

But our entire lives are based on, driven by, created by, our beliefs. And I believed the psychs and therapists when they said "this is what you have and this is the only way to treat it, this will be for the rest of your life, when you hit bottom and become suicidal we will hospitalize you, and when you are better we will clap for you like you busted a piñata."

So my authentic message for today is: we are living in a society that encourages dependency on 'authority figures and organizations' to tell us what is 'wrong' with us and what 'we need to do about it'. When you find out, however you do, that those pushing you in any direction, will only be pushing you in a direction that benefits them, I hope you'll start to question EVERY MFTHING. Those who only wish to help you, support you, etc. (and there are so many of this kind of person, soooo many.....) won't push, they'll just say "look there" and let you find it for yourself. We aren't here to find someone to follow, or to tell us how to live. We are here to live through certain experiences as unique individuals, and when it's all said and done, compare notes. God expands. This is how he expands. That's another topic altogether.

There is more to bipolar disorder than we've been told. The same is true for all mental illnesses, spectrum disorders, Autism, Asperger's...... on and on... they are about how one perceives, receives, processes, and emits ... Energy.

I won't go into that yet. My authenticity today is about saying "fuck this journey is hard, one day you believe one thing, then you're drawn to believe something else. You want to 'fight' one way, but your shown the more efficient, more spiritually logical way to deal with any given thing, and you grow. I know my body and I have to go through more changes before I can call myself medication free. It's not impossible. But it is a harder journey than I thought. But I want to document it, so that while others are going through this, anything similar, they will know how other's of us made it through.

If you have a mental illness, I hope you can feel where I'm coming from... not wanting to negate anyone's experience; just opening up more possible truths about how we deal with it.

I have much more to write about it.... but this is good for now.

[autisticawesomeness-archive-blog]

I relate to that post so much. I've had genuinely nice wonderful therapists but I can't even begin to actually communicate my issues properly and it makes my anxiety and depression worse to go. Like I've had a doctor yell at me I just need therapy and. ?????

RIGHT?

Okay but seriously, I phrased this in a joking way, but the fact that 75% of my time in any given therapy is spent on me educating my therapist is ridiculous and harmful. Even (especially, actually) in therapies specifically targeting autistic people, I somehow still end up having to teach my therapist about basic concepts like executive dysfunction or, y’know, that my autism affects more than just my social skills.

And that is??? Absolutely absurd??? I’m not even spending my time arguing against things like functioning labels, because I know that that would just be a lost cause. All I’m asking is that I can successfully communicate my issues to them, without them constantly trying to fit me into neurotypical behavioural types, because! guess what! I’m not neurotypical!

And the majority of the therapists I’ve met genuinely listen to me when I explain things, and adjust their behaviour accordingly. But it’s so much work talking to them, because this explaining never ends. When they’ve adjusted one behaviour, they still have 20 other things to work on. And I’m the one that’s going to have to point them out and explain how to fix them. It’s exhausting.

“Then just don’t!” sorry, but that’s not an option. In therapy, I need to be helped, and I can’t be helped if my therapist doesn’t adequately understand how they need to help me. 

As an example: for neurotypicals/non-autistc people, it’s unhealthy to seperate yourself from human contact during grief. However, my social skills are severly diminished, and the energy I usually have to keep them up is basically gone. Isolating myself is, in my case, a form of self-care, and actually more healthy than being around others all the time. (now, this is a catch 22, because it also means that I have no-one to kick my executive dysfunction in the ass, which leads to me having serious self-care problems, but more social interaction would just stress me out.)

However, if I want to explain this to a therapist, I need to go through the following steps:

Convince them that autism is a different neurotype, which means that your brain is wired so differently that your needs are fundamentally different from a neurotypical’s.

Explain to them that social interaction costs me insane amounts of energy, because I’m not allowed to be myself with others, and that I actively need to adjust my natural behaviour.

This actually includes various other steps, like explaining that stimming is a natural body language, and that supressing it costs energy; explaining that maintaining eye contact is not only annoying but actively draining; explaining that on bad days, speaking is actively painful; explaining that I analyze every single word I say thrice because I naturally have no brain-to-mouth filter; etc.

Explaining that I have limited amounts of energy each day, and that if I waste my energy on social interaction, I can’t bring myself to cook that night.

Explain that neurotypical grief and autistic grief are inherently different, and give them a couple of links to read on that.

In the meantime, reassuring them that, no, you’re not doing anything wrong by making me talk to you, you are my therapist, you’re hired for this, yes it sucks that I have to climb through so many social rules when with you, but it’s more society’s than your fault. Because lord knows that after every point I make they go ‘oh, sorry’, and it’s rude not to reassure people then.

And THEN I can begin to tell them that having other people interact with me is not actually helpful to me.

And wouldn’t ya know half an hour has passed and we’ve just made a bare beginning of the groundwork for our session.

It’s ridiculous that I have to jump through all these hoops and have to educate my therapist, who studied for this, damnit, simply because neurotypical scientists who study grief and write books about it for psychology students to study assume that… what do they assume? That autistics do not experience grief? That we experience it the same as neurotypicals? What?

And it’s not exclusive to grief, either, but you get my point.

There’s a serious lack of consideration for autistic people in the psychology field. This is not a new statement, as wel all know what “therapies” are considered “helpful” for us, but I see very little people talking about the fact that this extends far beyond just autism-related therapies. Therapists have little to no knowledge about our neurotype, and what little knowledge they do have is often harmful and/or wrong. This makes me very, very hesitant to ask for help, even when I do grossly need it. Because I know that I won’t actually receive the help I need. I’ll just end up playing teacher. 

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but GOD, this irks me.