#and then ill also have to transport all of this with me. fucking hell

[dyke-mecha]

A healthy breakfast for a growing boy

[s1ater]

potential.

pairings. levi ackerman x fem!reader

about. levi has an eye on you.

warnings. gifs not mine, foul language

rickey rocks. okay something different for my blog. I know this has some flaws and inaccuracies with the cold and titans but whatever. I am also scheming up a reiner fic hehe

the frigid weather soaked every particle of your body as you trudged through snow that continued to pile up on the mountain you trekked on. the thick flakes that invaded your vision made it hard for you to even remotely focus on where you were going--where you needed to be.

you'd be buried before you'd reach camp.

the 104 cadet corps were set on the footpath of a mountain as a training exercise despite the ruthless weather. the blizzard was weather meant for death, and even as months of training beat down on you and your fellow cadets practically prepared you for such harsh conditions, some of you were still yet to grow immune to rough circumstances.

you pulled daz, a fellow comrade, on a makeshift sleigh in order for easy transportation through the snow. but even with that and as time had passed and snow had begun to pile, it wasn't as easy as the first hour. the boy who had seemed to have fallen ill with the more time spent in the cold was passing the similar feeling on to you.

fucking hell.

sometimes you felt keith sadies only lived to watch you all suffer.

training had to be one of the biggest pains in your ass. especially when your fellow comrades lacked the level of aptitude you solely possessed. and especially after the large interest levi ackerman had shown of you.

the training corps had been bustling for the past week over the matter of you and your level of mastery at anything thrown your way. it was always like that; it was hard for your skill to go unnoticed or grow accustomed to for that matter, but this time, the only difference was the matter of who was noticing you.

levi ackerman was a highly admired man among your comrades--well really anyone within the walls. humanities strongest soldier. he was agile and had genius combat skills. he always seemed to know the enemies next move before they did.

so when levi ackerman, captain of the levi squad, somehow found himself wandering amongst the cadet corps in search of girl who possessed the same level of skill that they said mirrored his own--he couldn't help but come see for himself.

and what he saw... he must've liked.

"god, help me," you grit your teeth, giving the rope you had slung around your shoulder one last tug before halting.

it was quiet here, windy, but quiet. you truly and finally felt alone up on this snowy mountain, even more so that it seemed you were so close to death. but at least it was quiet.

you glance down to daz's bundled up body, almost wishing you were him instead of the one dragging his body to possible refuge. this could all be for nothing... your decision to stay back in hopes to save another body might lead to your death too and--, "no."

you can't think like that. not now.

"gotta keep moving," you pull the rope again. "think of something else, y/n."

think of him.

"you're impressive, miss y/l/n," you sat in the dining hall watching this so called "greatest solider" with careful and timid eyes as he paced before you. "but I'm sure you know that already."

he watched you train. he watched you get tested by your head commander with screams. he watched you send anyone who fought hand to hand combat against you to their ass. he watched and he almost admired you.

even with the slight crack in his usual stoic shell, you were still at a loss as to what he was doing here. he kept his true intentions to himself, not even caring to speak to commander sadies. requesting you to the dining hall was his first move out of observing, but you sat here still, wondering, what did he want?

"I want you, y/n."

your slight recollection is broken by a loud, ground shaking sound.

thump. thump.

you freeze, feeling every bit of your body grow colder than it already was--if that was even possible.

"shit, shit, shit," you knew that sound. you knew exactly what that meant. you were quick to press your pace faster and onward as if to escape it, but you knew better. "not now."

you stop just as fast as you started, looking around fastly; looking toward daz's body. you needed to find coverage.

thump. thump. thump.

your eyes survey the scenery around you, seeking for something that could not only hide you, but the boy that was getting harder and harder to keep alive.

it was like fate didn't want you to be a good person.

your eyes settled on a lower tree line. you had to get higher. to have the advantage, you needed height. there was no way getting away from this thing and there was no way you’d kill this thing at your small height.

you had to climb.

but daz.

“you’re becoming a real pain in my ass,” you grit your teeth, lugging him toward the tall pine trees.

you’ve disregarded the rope, now pulling him by the cotton fabric sleeping bag he was wrapped in. you huffed, shuffling backwards as fast as you could till you felt a wall of branches push against you.

thump. thump.

it was close now. the sound of its footfalls were earth shattering—you could feel it in your bones. this drove you to move faster than you could barely process. you got on your hands and knees, pushing daz’s body into the underbelly of the tree, deciding this would be the best place to store him as you would attempt to butcher the oncoming titan.

you're swift to pull off your pack now, shuffling through the contents inside looking for the thick dagger you didn't go anywhere without. this would be hard without ODM gear, nearly impossible, but your level of skill would be just enough to get you through this.

once you possessed the blade, you dropped your pack under the tree--

thump. thump. thump.

there it was.

it's ugly face barely peaked over the top of the pine trees as it guided itself through them in search of you. it's jaw was already unlatched and salivating at the mouth.

"fuck me," you pulled yourself into the pine tree, now scaling to the top as fast as possible. "levi, you fucking bastard."

"you're from shiganshina."

you nod.

he does as well, slowly his pace, "is that why you want to become a scout? for revenge"

"no," you shook your head, still keeping your eyes strictly trained on the table you sat at.

"then why?" he sat before you now, taking you by surprise and causing you to finally looking at him--just like he wanted.

you swallowed sharply. you didn't understand this level of intimidation that suddenly took over you--you had heard all of the stories of levi ackerman, but you didn't find yourself swooning like your fellow comrades. what was so special about him? nothing--is what you thought... and yet you sat here in slight anxiety as if you were sitting in the presence of royalty.

"I'm not sure... honestly," you glance up at him. "all my life I had my father telling me what I was and what I wanted. he told me my purpose was to become a scout—but now that i’m here, i’m not so sure.”

levi is silent as he thinks over your words, then, humming, nodding slowly, “i’ll give you purpose, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

you now fully look at him, almost taken aback by his choice of words, but intrigued.

levi felt pitty for you. you were polluted with so much potential and yet you lacked a drive to fulfill it. he knew there was more to you than just a skilled soldier who overruled their comrades, and he so desperately wanted to see it. if you were so good now, he couldn’t imagine how good you’d be with the right motivation.

“i want you to join levi squad, y/n,” he folds his hands. “you’re very excellent for your age and i know you know it. your comrades know it. i know it.”

levi is typically reluctant to admit admiration for another, especially upon first meeting. admiration and praise was earned, but it seemed you were different.

“you’re too good for training, i know you think that, but you need it. you already possess an advantage over all your peers, better for them to think they still have a chance rather than initiate you weeks into training,” he gets up now.

“wait,” you stand with him. “what does this mean?”

“this means you’re an upcoming scout of levi scout.”

you curse levi now as you hold your self tightly to a pine tree, attempting to push yourself far from an unlatched jaw bearing its teeth at you.

yeah, fuck levi and his request to cushion the egos of your fellow comrades.

**

"can't believe she would ruin her chances with levi squad this easily."

"what do you propose she should've done; leave daz to the wolves and let him freeze to death?"

jean doesn't say anything to eren's response, knowing that's exactly what he would've done, or at least left him to someone else to drag him along.

"that's probably why captain levi took so much interest in her, jean," armin sets his gaze on the side of his campions face, shining light to what some of them may have considered your act of courageousness, stupidity. "not only is she impressive with battle tactic, but she also looks out for her fellow comrades."

"just like we're going to do," mikasa's hollow voice catches all of their attention.

"you don't mean you want to go all the way back out there?" jean looks at the side of the girl's face like she's almost insane. "after the long trek we already went through?"

“what is that?” eren's voice covers jean's whiney protests once his eyes size onto the faint sight of a dark figure. "y/n?" his voice is faint as he squints, attempting to clear up his vision, but it's no use with the excessive amount of wind and snow plaguing every inch of his sight.

"no way that's not her."

it becomes more and more abundantly clear what they were looking at, especially as they take steps closer--but your appearance doesn't match the one of which they last saw you at.

"I'll go get commander shadis," armin leans toward the cabins, running off.

you are drenched in blood. everything about you is staggered and it wasn't just because of you still carrying daz. you limp roughly, leaving your comrades to their imagination on what could have caused that, but they don't have a choice after you collapse into the snow.

**

"you should've left that boy behind," his voice pierces your ears despite his low tone. "it's not smart to risk your life for another who's deadweight."

you dig the heal of your palm into your eyes as you attempt to push on to listen to levi. you fail. your head throbs and your body still aches from days before.

"what can I say, I like a challenge," you scowl at his distasteful comment once you summon up enough energy to respond.

he resists to roll his eyes at your comeback, staring down at your slouched over figure, "I can't have my best solider dead."

it didn't take long for word to reach levi about his prized possession not only saving a fellow cadet, but also killing a titan--even if that titan was a small baby one.

"technically I'm not yours yet... according to you."

"smartass." he scoffs, "your compassion is admirable, but I'd appreciate it if you kept yourself subtle from here on out. got it?"

"yeah, whatever," your lack of energy and exhaustion was clear now to levi with low of an effort you were putting into being snarky with him. you expect him to say nothing in return but by the way he examines you, it's almost like there's more.

"don't make me regret my decision," he turns on his heal, "not a lot of people are lucky enough to have the talent that you have or the opportunities you'll be given. don't make me look like a fool.”

you watch him walk out without another word, his footfalls echoing in the empty hall outside the private room. you resist the urge to clench your fists too hard at the sound of his last words ringing inside of your head. they make your chest tighten at thought of just one more person to please, especially with it being someone's judgement you actually care for.

you didn't need this.

but you want it.

"fuck you, levi."

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for becoming a time god instead of going to therapy?

I (35M) have had an interesting life. All of humanity moved onto the Moon when I was a little kid due to a disaster making Earth uninhabitable. A few years later, I found a stone in my backyard that let me create little time portals. Nothing usable at the time, but I spent many hours practicing making bigger portals instead of socializing with my peers.

My mom and I were super close, and she died when I was 20 due to an incurable illness. I was in shambles and grieving for weeks, which is when I rediscovered the time stone from my childhood. I found out how to make portals large enough to transport a grown man around, and how to make them take me to where I wanted to go. I decided that the only way for the world to be right was to go back in time and save my mother, or destroy it entirely.

During my travels, I found three kids who were lost in time. One grew up to be a bodybuilder (currently 33M), one grew up to be a scientist (currently 20), and one grew up to be a drag queen (currently 25M). I quickly took them under my wing, both raising them as a parent and as an advisor. They all had similar backstories to mine, which meant they were happy to help me reach my goal.

Eventually I learned that there was a second time stone in a talking pocket watch. If I had two time stones, I would be powerful enough to change the timeline itself. I tracked down the watch and stole it from its partner, who was a rabbit with a phone for an ear.

However, this is when my first obstacle appeared. These living, walking, talking taiko drums appeared and smacked the watch out of my hands and into a portal, scattering its parts throughout time. Not only that, they tried to attack me when I tried to explain why I was doing what I was doing! Me and my crew quickly retreated to try and search for the time stone, which was the only part we cared about. The watch itself could rot in Hell for all we cared.

We searched through multiple periods of time, but no matter where we went, that rabbit and those drums followed. They were obviously looking for a fight, because they would absolutely trample anything I threw at them! They were also growing an army just to fight me, as they would recruit anyone that breathed near them!

I finally realized that I should just give up looking for the original watch's time stone and just go back in time and take the first time stone from my younger self. But guess what! THOSE DRUMS GOT THERE BEFORE ME! AND TURNED MYSELF AGAINST ME!

I had to kidnap myself to get the timestone. I finally had two timestones! I was finally going to get my mother back! I was in my secret base that couldn't be found by anyone and oh my god is that those fucking drums again.

They somehow managed to infiltrated my base without me noticing, and then got their whole army to attack me! Thankfully after the first round of beatings both of the stones were okay, so I combined them to become my true form. A god of time that no man would ever want to mess with. My dream of getting my mother back or destroying the universe was finally unfolding.

And then those little drums kicked my ass. Hard. They somehow managed to unfuse the time stones simply by drumming a song at me, causing me to return to my previous non-time-god state. They returned one of the stones to the watch, and let the other disappear.

When I tried to explain why what I was doing was completely justified, the rabbit told me that I should just go to therapy. But therapy can't get my mother back.

AITA?

[tarithenurse]

A little update on my personal situation:

It's going better. Since mid August I've been in a dip which first started out with my usual depression symptoms but then the anxiety flared up too with a lot of selfdoubt and negative thoughts etc etc.

Why?

Oh, I know exactly what the trigger was: hubby got a new job (yay) that has him working in the other side of the country so I only see him weekends (boo). It's an amazing job for him with lovely colleagues, challenges, learning, etc (yay). But it means I'm alone from Monday to late Thursday (boo)...and I do not do alone well. Oh and then there are the weeks where he's off to other countries without coming home in the weekend.

The obvious answer would be to focus on my own work, pick some extra shifts or maybe go be social with people.

That's where the anxiety kicks in: stimuli (noises in particular) and people (apart from a very select few) has me breaking down. I can't work more than 30 hours a week and the day shifts I used to have are hell on earth where I either have to go home early or lock myself up somewhere.

Thankfully I have a good boss. She's helped me change my day shifts to night shifts where it's a lot calmer and quieter and I don't get triggered.

I've also gotten a sort of "special rule" from the public healthcare that means if I call in sick with my chronic illness (depression/anxiety) at least my workplace will be compensated somewhat from the first day sick instead of after two weeks - that means the anxiety about being away from work is less for me because it feels like I'm screwing over my job less.

And so I've spent the time with night shifts, finding a way to keep my marriage working with intermittend long distance, intensified my psychologist appointments and worked (am working) with my new psychiatrist to change and balance my medication.

What has that all led to?

My symptoms of depression are under control. My marriage works (although I miss him often and there always is the fear that he'll find someone better and closer than me (history of cheating by ex)).

But my anxiety is fucked up. It's better...but far from good enough. I can't handle public transportation. I can't handle parts of my family. I can't handle the few dayshifts I do have even if I'm not part of patient care but rather just go around filling up closets etc.

I've had my depression since 2005. The anxiety is fairly new (just a few years) and it's had a tendency to get more severe with each dip. And I don't know how to handle it - at this rate it'll put me out of work in a few years and that thought alone just makes it even worse because I can't have that happen. I don't WANT that to happen.

Okay....I have to stop thinking about that.

My new psychiatrist is good. He listens. I have amazing support from my husband who goes out of his way to call and write when he's gone. I have similarly great support from my mom and one of my sisters, particularly when I'm alone.

........and still it feels so hopeless. The only activity that brings me joy is D&D-related things. I can't write fanfics anymore. I can't draw. I can't go outside my door. I can't go for a cup of tea or dinner with friends. I can't even do grocery shopping. I just get so desperate, y'know?

But...it is BETTER than it was.

[honourablejester]

While we’re on this topic of old films we watched and enjoyed, some random movie recs from the 1910s through to the 1970s based on the things that popped into my head fastest. Warning in advance, I like horror, noir, swashbucklers, dark comedy and dodgy fantasy films.

1910s

Fantômas serials (1913/1914) – As I said in the previous post, if you ever get a random hankering for silent-era pulpy French crime thrillers, these are an excellent start.

1920s

Metropolis (1927) – the imagery in this movie is absolutely stunning, even if the morals are extremely heavy-handed. Worth it for the Robot Maria transformation sequence alone. Also, and I feel mean for thinking this, because the poor man’s going through hell, but there are moments where Freder is truly hilarious. And also, Batman: The Animated Series owes so much, visually, to this movie. It single-handedly shape a vision of what cities and the future and architecture and transport could look like.

Nosferatu (1922) – imagery. The Germans were so fucking good at imagery in early cinema. Admittedly the movie does some very strange things to the Dracula mythos, and is probably the source of a lot of later ideas of him that have nothing to do with the novel (the sunlight thing), but it’s so cool.

1930s

M (1931) – Peter Lorre is incredible. And actually the whole set up of this movie is so creepy and tense and enthralling, and then the court scene busts it wide open. Deals with some heavy things, including child murder, vigilante justice and mental illness, but it’s so good. And you will never hear ‘Hall of the Mountain King’ the same way again.

The Thin Man (1934) and sequels – they’re half hardboiled noir and half screwball comedy, but they’re not a parody, because they predate most of the noir genre, so this is more of a funny hybrid precursor series. And they’re really funny. If you just want some pep and jazz in your life, a good time for an hour or so, totally watch these, they’re adorable.

The Prisoner of Zenda (1937) – Okay. I just like a good swashbuckler? You will see Zenda several times on this list, because I enjoy a lot of versions of this, but of all of them you need to start with this one, because Douglas Fairbanks Jnr. No one else will ever do Rupert of Hentzau like him. If you like your charming, snarky villains, if you like your Lokis, Rupert of Hentzau. Douglas Fairbanks Jnr. If you also like your villain and your hero to have powerful sexual tension and lean very close to each other while crossing blades, again. Rupert of Hentzau. Just watch. You’ll see.

Son of Frankenstein (1939) – I’m not going to lie, I watched this movie purely to see where Young Frankenstein (1974, also very much worth a look) was getting a lot of its in-jokes and gags from (Inspector Kemp in YF is riffing off Inspector Krogh in this movie). But it is worth watching wholly on its own merits. Among other things, Inspector Krogh is a genuinely cool and compelling character (as a kid, the monster ripped his arm out during its first rampage, and during this movie Krogh fully stands up to that childhood nightmare and has a cool moment with his prosthetic arm), and if you have any interest in Basil Rathbone, Boris Karloff or Bela Lugosi, this movie is fantastic. Lugosi in particular as Igor does so much in this movie. If all you picture when you think of him is Dracula, try this. (And The Black Cat (1934), which also has Karloff and Lugosi, but is significantly more intense).

1940s

The Mark of Zorro (1940) – Okay. I like swashbucklers. I like movie sword fights. This movie has the best movie sword fight ever. Basil Rathbone vs Tyrone Power. No contest. And, I mean, yes, the rest of the movie is also good. But watch it for the sword fight. Perfection.

The Wolf Man (1941) – This movie and Casablanca between them gave me a bit of a thing for Claude Rains. I don’t know, he’s just really compelling to watch. Very soft-spoken, but very there. And if you want the tragedy of the werewolf curse, this is the movie that started it all. This is not a monster movie. This is a psychological horror story of one man breaking apart under the burden of a curse. It’s so good.

Casablanca (1942) – I mean, it’s everyone’s answer. It’s stereotypical, the classic movie. But it is very, very good. Extremely quotable. I wish to punch Rick in the face several times over. And Claude Rains as Renault is so sleazy, but also so compelling.

Arsenic & Old Lace (1944) – If you ever wondered what the deal with Cary Grant was. This movie. His face. The whole movie just rides on his face. His reactions, his body language. I mean, the movie does a lot of things spectacularly. If you enjoy dark comedy, this is the pinnacle. Hiding bodies in window seats, kill count competitions between a psychotic criminal and his maiden aunts, the extremely morbid running gags of ‘yellow fever’ and Teddy charging up the stairs and the elderberry wine. But really it’s all Cary Grant and his fucking expressions. There are several points in this movie where I can’t breathe. For a man with so many suave, serious leading roles, his physical comedy was incredible.

The Big Sleep (1946) – This was the movie that introduced me to noir. Not the Maltese Falcon, not Double Indemnity, not Sunset Boulevard. This one. The Big Sleep. And you can argue that it’s not the best of the noirs, it’s a bit too caught up in itself, the plot if you pay attention has some big holes in it, and if you compare it to the book one female character in particular got rather cheated. But. As an introduction. It does land, very definitely. Bumpy Go-Cart (sorry, Humphrey Bogart) and Lauren Bacall are all that and then some. If you want to pick a noir, you can do a lot worse.

1950s

The Prisoner of Zenda (1952) – Mostly I like this as a compare/contrast to the 1937 one. It’s damn near a shot-for-shot remake, and while that could be a bad thing, it’s fascinating what differences and interpretations show up because of that. Watch the ’37 one first, and then watch this one. It’s just cool to compare them. And, you know. It’s still a really fun swashbuckler.

The Court Jester (1955) – Just the best time. The best. I have an unreasonable amount of fondness for this film, this gentle send-up of previous swashbucklers and period dramas in the vein of The Adventures of Robin Hood, and basically every movie Basil Rathbone ever made. Watch it for Danny Kaye, watch it for the tongue twisters, watch it for a baby Angela Lansbury, watch it for an absolutely hysterical duel scene, watch it for Maid Jean being the single most competent character there. Just watch it. I cannot entertain criticism on this point. It’s excellent, and I’m not sane about it.

Some Like It Hot (1959) – Jack Lemon is going to show up again later in this list, and for good reason, (as is Tony Curtis, but we don’t care as much about him), but Some Like It Hot is also, for a 1959 movie, a really gentle, funny, interesting look at gender roles? I mean, the premise is two dudes going undercover as female musicians with an all-female band to avoid mob hitman, and one of them keeps getting hit on by rich man while the other struggles to get it on with Marilyn Monroe in his male persona while trying to hide from mob assassins in a female persona, so it could be such a hot mess, but it actually … It’s quite gentle. Marilyn’s Sugar gets to talk about what men expect when they see her and, because he’s pretending to be a woman, Tony Curtis’ Joe has to listen to her, Jack Lemmon’s Jerry/Daphne gets to get genuinely swept up in the feeling of being romanced as a woman to the point that he’s semi-seriously talking about marriage, and in the end, when Jerry reveals he’s a man to Osgood, the rich old idiot who’s been trying to romance ‘Daphne’, Osgood famously just goes ‘well, nobody’s perfect’, and still appears perfectly willing to marry ‘her’. I mean, it has its issues still, but there’s such a lot of gentleness in it for a comedy movie made in 1959.

1960s

The Innocents (1961) – One of my two all-time favourite horror movies, on raw atmosphere alone. It’s so eerie. SO EERIE. It’s horrible and twisted and goes heavy places (child death, a child acting ambiguously sexually while possibly possessed, strong questions of sanity), but it’s done so gracefully and gently and eerily. If Gothic Horror is of interest to you as a genre, if you enjoyed Crimson Peak, try this. It is all beautiful sunshine and sprawling lawns and twisted desires and paranoid terrors and the single eeriest scene I’ve ever seen in anything ever. Watch the lake scene. It’s stunning.

The Raven (1963) – Pivoting back to comedy horror, this time with added fantasy. Vincent Price has been in a lot of better movies, but I’m not sure if he’s been in many funnier ones. Him and Peter Lorre just own this movie. Wall to wall ham. Just. Just go in, just watch it. There’s a loose frame plot of duelling magicians, vague references to Poe’s ‘The Raven’, Boris Karloff returning as a villain, animal transformations, and the obligatory young romance getting embroiled in their sorcerous parents’ plots (although, jarringly, the young romantic lead is a baby Jack Nicholson, which sure gives it a weird vibe), but honestly? You’re here for Vincent Price and Peter Lorre and the wizard duel.

The Great Race (1965) – Jack Lemmon is back, as is Tony Curtis, but we only care about the former of those, because Professor Fate (obligatory shouting). Okay. I don’t know how many people remember the old Hanna-Barbera Wacky Races cartoons? Am I aging myself here? But this is the movie they were based on, and Professor Fate is who Dick Dastardly was based on. The premise is a 1910s global car race between Curtis’ Great Leslie (you will want to punch him, and that’s perfectly natural) and Lemmon’s Professor Fate, an exaggerated eccentric conman and cheater and over the top cartoon villain of man, and you will love him. He’s the best thing in it. But there’s also Natalie Woods as the reporter who also enters the race, and a young Peter Falk as Fate’s sidekick Max. That’s a baby Columbo as the ‘villain’s more competent henchman. AND. For me, for bonus points, a huge section at the end of the rest is basically a whole-plot Prisoner of Zenda reference in which Professor Fate is the hero. Look. Look. Do you ever want to watch a live-action cartoon? This is that movie. Trust me. It’s fantastic. The romance has aged terribly, you will want to throw Leslie off a cliff, it has several extremely sixties tropes in it, but it’s that movie. Watch it. Have fun.

1970s

The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (1973) – Right. So. 70s fantasy movie. Not politically correct in the slightest, and some extremely unfortunate choices were made in it. But. Ray Harryhausen. Stop motion fantasy effects of awesome. And, also, I just really enjoyed the character of the Vizier. He doesn’t really get to do anything, he’s kinda just set-dressing, but he is the horrifically maimed advisor to the king who fell afoul of our sorcerous villain, and he has a cool golden mask to cover his scars, and you think he’s going to turn out to be treacherous but no, he’s rock-solid calm and noble and helpful the entire way through, and I just really really like him. The image of him stuck in my head for years.

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975) – My other all-time favourite horror movie, and again it’s the eeriness. Pure eeriness. Nothing happens in this movie. There’s no monsters, there’s no explanations. 3 girls go missing on a rock in early 1900s Australia, in the midst of baking heat and sunshine and the looming shape of a volcanic geological formation, and the movie just follows their society unravelling in the aftermath. No one knows what happened. Grief and terror and unanswered questions destroy people. Reactions, prejudice, respectability and hidden flaws, loss of innocence, the unpredictable reactions of people unstrung by grief and fear, all of it snowballs in the wake of the disappearances, and over it all looms the sunshine and the rock. The score and the cinematography of this movie work so well to create this pervasive, eerie, unreal mood, this sense of something watching, this ancient force presiding over the unravelling of the false civilisation layered over top of it. I fucking love this movie. It’s stunning.

Assault on Precinct 13 (1976) – A rather big jump in genres, we’re back to crime thrillers here, which we haven’t really touched since the 1910s on this list, but the sustained tension in this movie is par excellence. The opening half hour. A theme for the seventies movies on this list is going to be sunshine and drifting tension, and Precinct 13 does it so well. Heat, claustrophobia, urban isolation, siege mentality. And the character relationships that develop inside that siege mentality, the alliances and bedrock life-or-death trust that evolves between enemies, and then are brutally cut short by the re-establishment of the outside world at the end, the rude reintroduction of law and connectedness and social consequences, is just … amazing. The movie is a heat dream, a bubble of disconnectedness and violence and blood and faith, and then the ‘real’ world slams back down at the end. It’s good. It’s so well paced. Watch this movie.

Nosferatu (1979) – Just to, again, tie things back to the earlier entries on this list. Werner Herzog’s 70s remake of Nosferatu was actually the first version I saw, as it was considerably easier to get hold of. And it stuck. Even after seeing the original. And a lot of that, I think, was because of the opening, which is just spectacularly eerie. The drifting, eerie music, the monastic chant, the heartbeat under it, the panning shots of the mummies in the catacombs (which are from Mexico, but howandever). I mean, there are a lot of problems with this movie, Werner Herzog is not exactly the most upright and sensitive of dudes, (and it added some more questionable elements to the Dracula mythos), but for sheer imagery and tone-setting, this opening was incredible. And the movie does keep that tone, that eerie drifting, especially once Dracula starts bringing the plague behind him. Again, the 70s theme of sunshine and eeriness. It’s worth a look.

[thessalian]

Thess vs A Return to Normalcy

Updates from the workplace, and the news is ... for once, not terrible.

See, turns out that Scruffman came in on Sunday, along with the other part-timer (who has been petitioning for more hours and I think she's going to get them at this rate), and really registered the massive dent I made in the backlog. Because seriously, that whole week we went from just under 300 to just under 150 and that was about 95% me. So we're finally back down to the low-mid double digits in terms of the size of the typing queue, and I have a feeling Scruffman had a general sense of, "Ooh. [Thess] did a lot. [Thess] should not have been doing that much, I know that."

Scruffman does not have the best communication skills, mind - especially not over email. He sent an email going, "Give me a bell ASAP" and actually included his number, which I have had stored on my phone for literally years, so I thought there was going to be something urgent and horrible. Because, you may recall, he was going to touch base with me today about potentially having to drag my poor fibro-riddled carcass over to fucking Hampstead owing to lack of bums in seats. I was concerned that this was going to be a call where Issues were brought up.

However, no, this was his way of saying, "I has a concern and want to make sure you're okay after the hours you put in last week". I didn't pull punches, either. He asked how I was doing, which is how he starts all telephone conversations, really, and I just told him, "I seriously overdid it last week". I could hear the gears turning as he was going, "Oh. Yeah. Oh, right" before moving on to the whole thing about the various unexpected absences.

So ... turns out that Violet, Goblin, and Temp are all out at the moment, though Goblin and Temp are apparently coming back on Friday. He's got Other Part-Timer coming in tomorrow, so it's really only Thursday where there might be a requirement for me to come in. But apparently that's only if Scruffman himself takes ill or something else goes entirely to hell. It was pretty clear that he was trying desperately hard not to make me go into the office, particularly after the couple of weeks I've already put in. He also recognised that I do more typing when I'm at home than I do at the office, and then surprised me further by going, "I don't necessarily mean overtime or anything!" like he very much doesn't want me to have to do any more of that either.

So the overall gist is, "Things are back to normal, we will try to manage things without forcing you on to public transport, thank you for all the help and we promise we're not going to make you do too much more of that!" I'm not sure what happens with my overtime - whether it's Time Off In Lieu or actual money, but I think I'll find that out when Head Honcho comes back from his own holidays ... or rather, when I come back from mine because he's away until next week and I'm off next week.

I very much need to be off next week. I haven't fully recovered yet. But at the very least my house is full of nice foods to have that don't require too much in the way of cookery. I did up a pork roast last night so I have leftovers from that. There's a roast chicken that's good in the fridge until Friday, which gives me time to do things with the leftover pork roast and with the duck legs and pork chops I got on sale with this month's grocery shop. But tonight, since I am exhausted (whoever was typing with me today also left me with the longer bullshit - thankfully there were no ten-minute atrocities but if I see one more placenta report this week I'm going to lose my damn mind), it will be leftover roast pork with mashed potato and an asparagus/tenderstem broccoli medley, with an appetiser of gluten-free mozzarella sticks (which, yes, still have the lactose issue but I have Lactaid so I can still have my breaded hot cheese) and possibly a salad. I did actually eat today! Okay, not lunch, but two pieces of gingerbread as breakfast went really well with my morning coffee.

[msm-tsotmw]

Aaaaaand again with the shitty Wi-Fi. Anyways, I found Mondo borrowing Evelyn & Evelyn the Quibble heads’ keyboard to write some song about a “pretty-in-pink Monster…” (who is probably Toorie, knowing Mondo.)

(SPRIGG-)

Hm ?

I didn’t say anything.

yeah uhh nope we werent saying anything

Oh , Okay .

Anyways, thanks fo helping us, Maggpi.

Anytime! But I’ve got to go now, I have a feeling Tawkerr and its Napoleon complex are picking on another Monster.

Oh

Alright , See You When We Visit Here Again !

cya maggs

Bye.

(Maggpi leaves the scene to go stop Tawkerr from biting someone like the angry chihuahua he is.)

Okay, we have to leave Cold Island now.

…Hey , Where’s The Spurrit Of Adventure ?

It’s a huge boat, Toorie, it could be right in front of u-

…Huh?!

the fucking boat is missing

Yeah well, no shit, Mondo.

Where Did It Go ?!

I think I may know where it went.

(The gang turns around to face Urceus the Strombonin. also hi @paidexp)

Huh ? Who Are You ?

oh thats urceus

we made friends with her when you were sleepin

More like “made acquaintances,” really. We haven’t really interacted much.

alr

So… where did it go? The Spurrit of Adventure has all of our books and food and extra clothes on it, plus it’s our only form of transportation.

I have seen it drifting away to Celestials-know-where.

Excuse me, it WHAT?!

Drifted away.

But-

But How ?! When I Tied It To That Icicle , I Tied It Really Ti-

…Oh . It Was An Icicle.

You tied it to a fucking WHAT?!

Don’t Blame Me , Please ! I Didn’t Know They Broke Off That Easily !

toors its a fucking icicle

its solid fucking water

Well , I Grew Up In A Place Where It Was Hot All The Ti-

bWAAAAAAAUGH amimimimimimimimir

…

What Was That

Oh, that is just Shell. My Strombone.

The hell is a Strombone?

Cold-weather snail. Every Strombonin—like me—has one. Shell is supposed to keep me company, but they’re more of a snoozer than anything.

BWAAAAAAAAAH amimimimimimimimir

Can’t they stop snoring?

No.

Anyways, let’s go find that boat. We are getting off-topic here.

Okay ! But , Didn’t You Say It Drifted Away ?

toorie if theres one thing you need to know its that strombonins are HELLA good at jumping from ice floe to ice floe

…Oh . But My Leg Is Broken -

ill carry you

(Mondo, with a load of effort, lifts up the taller Toorie.)

O-Oh , Okay . If This Is How We’re Going To Go 😅

I can tell this is going to take a while, plus I can’t type while jumping from floe to floe, so I’ll stop typing no-AAAH!

(Mondo Grabs Sprigg as well, and follows Urceus, jumping from ice floe to ice floe—and the occasional mini-iceberg—almost falling in the water a few times.)

WOOOAAAAAH !

HEY—OW! MONDO! WATCH! THE!! FUCKING!!! LEAFSTALK!!!!

SORRY I CANT BE CAREFUL IF THEYRE GOING THIS FAST

GALV-FUCKING-DAMMIT.

What is the hold up? Do you all not want to get to that boat quicker?!

UH YEAH WE DO ACTUALLY

MONDO, IF YOU’RE GOING TO—OW!!!

Mondo , I Know We Are All In A Hurry , But PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE Watch Sprigg’s Leafstalk !! That Is Kind Of Like Their Antenna !!!!

OK FINE

(The trio continue to desperately follow Urceus as she hops across the ice at a speed to fast for them to follow. She suddenly stops at the tip of a medium-sized iceberg, and the rest catch up to them, panting and exhausted.)

So…. where’s…. the boat?

…I am afraid it is all the way over there in the distance.

(The trio gazes in horror as they see the Spurrit of Adventure with all their stuff, drifting miles away.)

galvdammit

Mondo ! Language !

Don’t worry. We can paddle that ice floe over there.

(Urceus points at a medium-sized ice floe, about as big to fit 5 Monsters, right below the iceberg.)

Oh , Good ! Let’s Go , Then !

(They all climb down the iceberg, Toorie being carried by Mondo, down to the ice floe.)

toors do you have something stuffed in your hair that can help us

Ummm … Yeah ! This Pizza Peel .

Excuse me, but why do you have a damn pizza peel stuffed in your hair?

I Thought It Might Be Convenient .

Well, it is now. Toorie, start paddling!

Okay , Got It !

(Toorie, with all of her might, paddles toward the Spurrit of Adventure. Mondo the simp helps, too, paddling with his hands. With a TON of effort, they finally make it to the boat.)

Finally …! We’re Here !

Thank You , Umm-

You may call me Urceus.

Okay , Thanks , Urceus ! We Couldn’t Have Done It Without You .

…And was Shell sleeping through all of THAT?!

What can I say, they are a sleeper.

BWAAAAAAAAUGH amimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimir

k thanks

…This may be one of the only times I accept thanks. Anyways, I have to leave now. Goodbye.

Alright , See You Next Time If We Ever Visit !

(Toorie Waves Urceus goodbye as the boat drifts far away from the ice floes. Urceus then proceeds to jump back to Cold Island.)

* Yawn * All That Jumping Has Made Me Slee…..snooooooooooork amimimimimir

yeah me t..honk shoo honk shoo HOOONK shoooo

…Aaaaand the others are sleeping. Well, I guess I should go “hit the hay,” too. I’ll stop typing now…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANYWAYS I’m going to do what the trio is doing and go be eepy

(also again I’m sorry if I wrote Urc wrong-)

-Mod Jimmy 🗣️

[demons2003]

My Boys (Chapter 36)

Series List

Y/n's pov

After walking for so long I was starting to get so bored. There was nothing to do at all or look at and it still didn't look like we were getting any closer to the end of the hall. "I mean, you have to admit, as a feat of engineering alone, this is impressive," Dustin says. "What are you talking about? It's a total fire hazard. There's no stairs, there's no exit, there's just an elevator that drops you halfway to hell," Steve explains to him. "They're Commies. You don't pay people, they cut corners," Erica says. "To be fair to our Russian comrades, I don't think this tunnel was designed for walking," Robin adds. I agree and say, "Yeah. Those guys that came in earlier were on a vehicle." "And think about it, they developed the perfect system for transporting cargo." Robin continues. "It all comes into the mall like any old delivery," Dustin says. "And then they load it up onto those trucks and nobody's the wiser," I also say, wanting to join all of this. "You think they built this whole mall so they could transport that green poison?" Steve asks us.

"I very seriously doubt it's something as boring as poison. It's gotta be much more valuable, like promethium or something," Dustin says. "What the hell is promethium?" I ask, not really remembering much from anything science related. "It's what Victor Stone's dad used to make Cyborg's bionic and cybernetic components," Robin explains to me. "Oh, ok yeah I remember that," I say, smiling at her. "You're all so nerdy, it makes me physically ill," Erica complains. Steve looks offended by the comment and says, "No, no, no. No, don't lump me in with them I'm not a nerd, all right?" "Why so sensitive Harrington? Afraid of losing cool points to a ten-year-old child?" I tease him. Steve slightly glares at me and says, "No, I'm just saying I don't know jack shit about Prometheus." "Promethium. Prometheus is a Greek mythological figure, but whatever. All I'm saying is, it's probably being used to make something," Dustin corrects. "Or power something," Robin adds. "Like a nuclear weapon?" Dustin asks. "Totally," Robin agrees. I really love my two nerds and my jock.

"Walking towards a nuclear weapon. That's great. That'd be great," Steve sarcastically says. I softly smile and grab onto Steve's hand. "Hopefully they're wrong," I whisper to him. He sighs but nods with me. "But if they're building something, why here? I mean, Hawkins. Seriously. Of all places." Robin asks. "Fuck," I whisper, an idea popping into my head. What if this was all because of the Upside Down? It was the only thing that made Hawkins special in any way. And it would be a really good weapon to try and control. "You ok?" Steve asks, turning around which causes the rest of the group to stop and turn as well. I look at everyone, wondering if I should worry them with my thoughts or keep them to myself. "Um, yeah, sorry just a thought. Let's keep moving," I blurt out, pushing past everyone and trying to work down the hallway faster. Robin continues talking, saying, "At the very best, we're a toilet stop on your way to Disneyland, but maybe that's it. Maybe it's our very..." Steve grabs onto my arm and pulls Dustin and I behind Robin, her continuing to talk but I focus on the boys instead.

"You think the Russians know?" Dustin asks us. I look down as Steve starts to ask, "About..." "They could," I interrupt. "So it's connected?" Steve asks. "Maybe," Dustin asks. "How?" Steve wonders. If the Russians were able to get a gate open, we were fucked, but maybe we were just overthinking all of it. Maybe they know nothing about the Upside Down. Maybe they were just building normal weapons to attack normal countries. "I don't know but it's..." Dustin answers Steve. "Possible," All three of us say at the same time. "I'm sorry, is there something you'd like to share with the class?" Robin asks us as she turns around, clearly annoyed with the whispering. We look at Robin and then at each other.

Before we can tell Robin and Erica anything, the walkie starts to go off, someone speaking in Russian through it. "Walkie," Steve and Dustin say at the same time, all of us walking over to Robin and Erica again. We all kneel on the ground as Erica grabs out the walkie-talkie. Robin takes it from her and pulls the antenna out as we continue to try to listen to the man speaking through the walkie. In Russian says, 'A trip to China sounds nice. If you tread lightly.' "It's the code," Robin tells us. "Wherever that broadcast is coming from..." Dustin starts to explain but I butt in and say, "It's close." "And if there's one thing we know about that signal..." Robin continues the rambles as Dustin finishes with, "It can reach the surface." We all smile and Robin says, "Let's go," getting up with Erica. I look over to Steve and Dustin to find them looking a little worried with each other. "We'll work it out if it comes to it," I whisper, putting my hands out to help them both up. They nod and grab my hands, standing up and walking with Robin and Erica down the hallway again.

A few Minutes Later

We slowly peek around the corner, noticing that there are people walking everywhere in front of us. "Okay, clear, come on, let's go," Steve whispers, waving for us to follow behind him as he leaves the safety of the wall. We all follow behind him and hide again so we are no longer in sight of anyone that could kill or capture us. "Okay, that was close," Robin says when we are safe again... "Too close," Dustin snaps a little too loudly. "Relax. All right? Relax. Nobody saw..." Steve snaps back at him, slowing down as he turns the next corner. We follow after him and see a bunch of Russians moving around a central point. We look surprised by what we are looking at. Steve is the first to snap out of it, whispering, "Shit," and pulling us into a crouching spot behind a create at the side of the hallway. "Jesus!" Steve whispers again. "Red Dawn," Dustin reminds us. "I saw it. First floor, northwest," Erica tells us. "Saw what?" Steve questions her. "The comms room," Erica whisper/yells at him. "You saw the comms room?" Steve asks in disbelief. "Correct," Erica slightly snaps. "Are you sure?" I ask her, also not able to see where she's looking. "Positive. The door was open for a second, and I saw a bunch of lights and machines and shit in there," Erica explains to us. "That could be a hundred different things," Dustin says. Robin, Steve and I all move close together and Robin says, "I'll take those odds." Steve looks to me for confirmation and I nod. Not like we can get into less trouble.

Steve stares at us both for a second and sighs, shaking his head in slight disbelief. We all slowly look out from behind the create and look towards where we think the comms room may be located. Steve hides back behind it and we all follow. "All right. We're gonna move fast, we're gonna stay low. Okay?" Steve whispers to us all. We all say okay to him and he starts to move out from our hiding stop. I follow quickly after, everyone else also following me. We stay crouched and hide behind another create. Steve continues to look out and moves when he believes it to be safe, the rest of us following close behind him. "Shh! Move it," Steve whisper shouts to us as we hide behind something again. He watches a door and as a guy opens it and walks away, Steve turns to us and whispers, "Let's go," quickly moving to the closing door and entering. "Sh, sh. Come on," Steve whispers to us all as we enter the room.

He closes the door when Dustin finally comes in and Robin and I make sure the kids are all in. Robin freezes a little and I look in that direction to find a guy already sitting in the chair at the controls. He slowly spins around to face us and takes his headphones off when he notices us in the room. Shit, shit, shit, shit. We all just stand there looking at each other, Steve still bent over, closing the door. The Russian reaches for his gun and Robin steps forward and yells, "Tread lightly!" in Russian. "Tread lightly," Robin says in Russian again but softer than before. The guy asks us a question but Robin just replies with, "Silver car... Silver cat," in Russian, pointing to herself. He says another thing but we still don't understand. Robin turns to look at Steve and I but I don't have any idea what to do. "China?" Robin asks, stepping forward. The man scoff and grabs his gun. I step protectively in front of the kids while Steve yells and runs at the guy. Steve tackles him over the controls and continues to yell at the guy. The guy gets his strength and throws Steve into another table, Steve groaning on impact. The guy takes a swing at Steve but he leans back and misses it. Steve loses his balance a little and the guy grabs onto his collar. He throws Steve face-first into a table and then pulls him back up by the back of the collar.

Steve throws his elbow back, causing the guy to step away from him. Steve serges forward and grabs onto a metal thing and turns around and hits the guy across the face, knocking him out. Steve pants a bit from the fight and pushes his hair back into place but it falls a little anyway. "Dude!" Dustin yells at him. Steve looks over to us and Dustin yells while pointing at Steve, "You did it. You won a fight!" "Jeez," I hear Steve whisper, looking down at the guy he just beat. He softly laughs at the realisation and steps away from the guy. My brain kicks back in and I run over to Steve, cupping his face. "Are you ok?" I ask, looking over his face and body. He laughs at me and puts his hands on mine, "I'm ok. Calm down cutie." I laugh a little bit but in the corner of my eye, I notice Dustin moving over to the guy. "What are you doing?" Erica asks him. I fully turn to Dustin as he says, "Getting us our ticket out of here." "You want to walk all the way back?" Erica asks him in disbelief. She walks over to him, Dustin doing the same, and stand toe to toe. "Well, we can hang out for a little bit, relax, have a picnic maybe," Dustin sarcastically says. "Have a picnic? We came here for a radio," Erica yells at him. "This plan is way better. If I knew Steve could knock out a Russian, that would've been our plan in the first place," Dustin yells back. I roll my eyes and grab onto Steve's hand to try and ground myself.

I look to where Robin was standing only to find her missing. I start to panic a little and run over to a hallway to find her already running back to us. "Guy," She interrupts Dustin and Erica's fighting. Steve, Dustin and Erica look at her and she says in a panicked voice, "There's something up there." Without another word, everyone moves into action and quickly walks down the hallway Robin just came from. We make it to a door and Robin opens it to let everyone in. "Let's go," Steve whispers to everyone as we enter the room. Erica and Dustin move in front of us three and move over to the next door and looks through a window each. Steve and I look through the one Dustin is at while Robin looks through the one Erica is standing at. "Holy shit," Dustin whispers. Inside the next room, we notice another type of control room. This one, however, has glass windows from floor to ceiling and looks down at a spinning electrical machine that is shooting a laser into the wall. I hear a loud familiar shriek coming from around the area and I shiver.

Steve, Dustin and I look at each other, knowing exactly what all of this means. "The gate," We all say at the same time. "No, no, no, no," I whisper, Steve placing his hand on my back to calm me a little. Robin and Erica look confused at everything but Steve says, "We need to go. Now." He pushes on my back to get me moving and makes sure everyone is in front of him. "I don't understand. You've seen this before?" Robin asks us all. "Not exactly," Steve answers for us. "Then what, exactly?" Robin asks, slightly pissed. "All you need to know is it's bad," Dustin says. "It's really bad," Steve helps. "Like, end-of-the-human-race-as-we-know-it kind of bad," Dustin continues. "And you know about this how?" Robin asks, looking between the three of us but stopping on me and giving me a slightly heartbreaking look. I look down as Erica asks, "Um, Steve? Where's your Russian friend?" We all look to the floor where the Russian guy was but no one is there. An alarm starts to go off and Steve runs over to the door, me following close behind him. "Shit," Steve and I say at the same time. He opens the door and a bunch of yelling is heard from the outside. Steve slams the door shut and whispers, "Shit." "Go, go, go, go, go!" Steve yells at us and we all run the way we just came from. We start opening different doors as Steve yells, "Move! Let's move!" Dustin randomly stops and everyone in the room notices us enter. Dustin runs off to the side and we all quickly follow after him. "Go! Shit, shit, shit, shit! Go, go, go!" Steve continues to yell at us all. A guy stands in our way and Dustin pushes him to the side and lets out a stream.

We make it to the front of the laser when Dustin stops moving. "Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!" Dustin yells. "Steve?" I ask, tears filling my eyes. He looks at me bewildered, with no ideas coming to him. "Guards!" Erica yells. Steve moves his eyesight and yells, "This way!" He grabs my arm and pulls me down the flight of stairs. "Come on!" I yell back to everyone. Another guard moves into our way and Steve shoulders him out of the way, continuing to run. "Oh shit! Oh shit!" Steve yells as more guards move in our path. He knocks over some barrels in their way and moves in a different direction. "Come on! Go, go, go, go, go!" Steve yells, ushering everyone in front of him again. "Come on!" Robin yells as well. We run into more doors and Robin runs past and yells, "This way!" I push the kids in front of me and continue to run after Robin. "Come on, quick!" Robin yells as she opens a door. "Hold the door!" Steve yells behind me, causing me to hold it until he comes in after me.

He runs past and slams the door on all of the guards that are following closely behind us. They continue to pound on the door but Steve pushes himself against it. "Y/n! Robin!" He calls to us. We look around the room to try to find a way out but can't find anything. "Shit!" Dustin yells when he notices the same thing. "Fuck!" I whisper/yell, running around the room to find somewhere the kids could hide or a way for us to get out. "Help me, come on!" Steve yells out. Robin runs over to him and they hold on to the door to prevent the guards from coming in. "Here! Come on, let's go!" Erica yells out, opening a vent cover. Dustin and I run over to her and help her lift it up. "Come on!" Dustin yells over to Steve and Robin after Erica jumps in. "Go! Just get out of here!" Steve yells at us. I looked shocked up at him and shake my head. "No, come on, now!" Dustin yells at them, jumping down the vent. "No! Just go, get some help, okay?" Steve yells at us. Dustin looks over at Steve while I try to push him down. "What are you doing?" Steve yells, noticing us both still there. "Go!" Robin, Steve and I yell. Dustin looks up at me and I use the opportunity to push him down and close the vent behind him. "Y/n!" Dustin yells when I shut it. I push my weight onto the vent to close it more while Dustin tries to push up. Steve looks up at us but I ignore his stare and down at Dustin. "Go! We'll be ok!" I yell down at him. Dustin looks up concerned and grabs my hand through the vent. "Don't do this, come with us," He whispers to me, tears slowly filling his eyes. I smile softly at him and shake my head. "Get out of here Dusty, go get us some help," I say and move over to Robin and Steve. "I won't forget you! I'll always love you Y/n!" Dustin yells from the vent. "Go!" Robin, Steve and I yell at him again. I move over to Steve and Robin but they're knocked away from the door before I can help.

I quickly move in front of them both as guards swarm into the room. We all hold our hands up and look into the barrel of their guns. A guy in front of me grabs harshly onto my arms and starts to drag me out of the room. "Y/n!" Robin and Steve yell. I turn to watch them both shuffling to get up but the guards all move closer and yell at them. I try to fight my way back to them but the guard holding me throws me against the wall and starts yelling at me. I notice Steve ball up his fists but doesn't move. What the hell did I just get myself into? The guy pulls me off of the wall and drags me away from Robin and Steve. Away from my family.

[vegantinatalist]

Damn you saw an old lady get mugged?? Damn that's fucked I wish her the best. Not trying to be a creep but what state do you in?? Sound high crime af.

I noticed you said you were given heart surgery. For what I may ask? And when you make these attempts what are you thinking about? how does the world feel? I'm sorry for being nosey but I'm intrigued. Also what is the "one thing" keeping you alive? Again if I may ask?

Bro Don't go the gun route that Will seriously traumatize your friends/love one's and if you fuck up you'll be a freak (physically speaking). Not gonna lie though it's extremely rare to see a woman want to opt that route, Usually when men commit suicide they go the gun route. Not trying to sound like a middle school edglord but that's kind've radical.

As far as sodium nitrite goes how did you test it? What does it do to the human body? Also why would it be bad to confuse nitrite and nitrate?

What inert gas? And how would it fuck me up?

Also if you read drop some tragic love story books. ,(both old and new)

I like that trope to tbh but I also like the trope where they fight to live.

Your blog and your vibe kind've reminds me of those Russian/Eastern euro misanthropic, mysterious novelist that people are still mystified by long after there demise.

This is the goodnight anon btw

im nervous about getting doxed so i wont say but yeah it was sad. ive also had my car broken into multiple times. its definitely not as bad here as other places though.

i attempted suicide via overdose of a ton of substances at once, achieved cardiac death but was revived against my will and was in a coma for a while.

i was thinking about the same things i think about every day really. a lot of things. but that day something minor was able to push me into that “just do it” state. suicide and really all actions are odd, you dont have as much control as youd like to think. it probably wont happen when YOU want it to but whenever your body randomly feels like it. thats when ive had the most successful attempts anyway. the planned ones always went weak af.

the world feels like hell always, always has. it just, is.

the one thing keeping me alive is kind of a secret, it involves something i dont want people to know about or mess with. its nothing illegal or anything weird though. ill talk about it after ive done it.

the people in my life actually know about and support my plan. they wont be traumatized. and the people in my life who dont support me wont see it and i dont care about them. and lol, thank you

i tested it by drinking it in gradual doses until just under the lethal dose. i wanted to see if it was true that it doesnt hurt you or see if the fear mongering was valid. it doesnt hurt. just mild lightheadedness, maybe mild headache.

Methemoglobinemia. stops your body from transporting oxygen basically, but you can still expel carbon dioxide so no painful suffocation feeling, similar to inert gas. non inert gas causes respiratory acidosis which is very painful (non inert gas is considered the most humane slaughter method btw. fuck that)

best inert gases are nitrogen and argon, you can get them at welding supply stores. you should use these if you are euthanizing small pets with a euthanasia tank, DO NOT USE CO2. everyone is using co2 even vets because theyre dumb fucks.

for both inert and non inert gas you will be very damaged if you dont die. brain damage risk. it would take a lot longer for methemoglobinemia to give you brain damage. gas does something else to you, i forget the name. im guessing just hypoxia.

no books about it totally suit my tastes which is why im actually writing my own.

omg thats such a complement lol. i am in fact a reclusive novelist that people dont understand lmao. i have made a lot of things ive never posted and may never post, i sometimes imagine how people finding it would react lol. probably no one ever will though.

[nathank77]

10/2/24

My mom's pain is worsening and she's running a fever and has high blood pressure.. I wish I had gone... bc she was doing well until recently which is why I stayed home and finished my laundry.... which i feel like bc all i used was dish soap and water and I dried the drum isn't enough...

I know the washer is clean bc i used a FUCK TON OF BLEACH. ALMOST A HALF GALLON....to clean the washer..... but the dryer you can't really use chemicals..... so I used fucking dish soap and water on paper napkins....my laundry is done other than the poison ivy pants and the poop pants... which I'm actually washing 3 or 4 times in burning hot water... if they get ruined so be it... I'm being overly cautious for a reason....

I combined them bc I mean i can actually see the poop on the pants... and I mean idk if the poison ivy pants have poison ivy on them but just incase....

I feel like my other clothes aren't even clean bc I don't think dish soap and water is enough even with a heat cycle.... bc I mean poop and pee are fucking gross and I don't want them in my washer or my dryer... and I mean the drying cycle isn't hot enough to kill all germs...

So I feel like I'm going to be wearing Riley poop and pee bc of the dryer not the washer but my laundry was sky high and my room was a disaster...

NOT TO MENTION I THINK ALL MY CLOTHES ARE COVERED IN POISON IVY BC I DO MY LAUNDRY IN COLD WATER... I DONT WANT TO RUIN ALL MY CLOTHES BC RILEY BRUSHES UP AGAINST ME. SO I FEEL LIKE ONCE I WEAR MY BOXERS OR ANY OF THE CLOTHES I WASHED MY HOODIES, ILL GET POISON IVY ON MY FACE FROM THE HOOD AND ON MY DICK AND ON MY ASS.

I'm so fucking uncomfortable bc they don't get it. I can't live like this. Unfortunately I locked Riley up for about 4 hours so I could eat, shower, and transport 2 of my laundry loads back and forth without getting dog hair and germs all over my clothes which would just make me rewash them... I feel bad but I had to do it. She's been out most of the day but I still feel like an asshole.

Laundry day was always stressful for me.. adding Riley in and her contaminates just makes it pure hell. I wonder when I'll get poison ivy and where. I'll fucking kill myself if I get it on my face or my dick or my ass. I'll fucking end it the second it appears.

So yea I'm fucking fed up with my family. As pictured below liv left a steaming pile of Riley's shit on the carpet all day since 11 a.m.... and beyond that!!! I took Riley out after releasing her from the crate from her 4 hour stay... and played with her on the long line... then I brought her back in... cause I'm not a complete monster I just won't be reliable about it bc well I said I didn't want a dog for a reason!!!!

And then she was, "herding" me to the door. She kept looking at the poop on the floor and walking to the door to be let out. So I was like fuck it. Sometimes the train isn't ready to move until it is especially if you hold it in.... so I took her back out... and she didn't poop.... I took her out twice in 30 minutes. I spent like 25 of those minutes outside.....

Then she came in and took another steaming pile of shit on the carpet and she fucking stepped in it. I hate my family.

Now that my mother is doing bad again and prob getting the bag tomorrow... I'll have to lock Riley away and cope with my emotional distress about locking her up, not spending enough time with her, and my mother having to shit in a bag on her stomach for the rest of her fucking life.

While also wondering when I'll get poison ivy. And where I'll get it.

I made a sandwich for dinner and despite Riley being crated the entire time somehow her hair ended up on my plate under the bread..... so I fucking didn't eat the bread...

I just ate two pieces of cheese and Califlower burgers..... I'm so fucking fed up. Look at my living room.

I love the fucking dog and with everyday I get more attached to her but I mean I can't live like this.

Let's say she leaves tomorrow. By the time I recover from her fucking up my house and my life and my ocd it'll be 6 months to a year before I believe poison ivy isn't on every surface. Before I believe i won't get poison ivy from my boxers. Or get e coli or other bacteria from her poop being everywhere.

I'm fucking disgusted. Actually disgusted. And I might just kill myself when my mother comes home. I can't do it while she's in the hospital but tbh.... this is too much for me.... it's not getting easier... my ocd is getting worse and more complexed.....

Sure okay certian things I thought were bad don't have the weight they used to have... but that's bc poison ivy. Poop and urine are on every surface. And that's all I can think about. And I can't cope with this level of ocd.

The sad thing is in the right environment I could recover fully from my ocd. I may never be able to scrub the toilet water but I could do almost everything else. Actually prob everything else. I could even own a dog if I had a normal yard and we potty trained it and the shits were little.

But this is so fucked and I have not felt clean or safe since the moment this dog walked in the house.

When I put on my poison ivy boxers and my dick grows painful bumps and fucking ozoozes I'm going to kill myself but I can't fucking ruin all my clothes in multiple hot washes just incase she touched poison ivy.

So I guess I'll be forever uncomfortable. Scared and once my mom comes home if they don't get rid of the dog I'm killing myself. I'm done. I can't live in this stress. I can't deal with all these nasty contaminates.

Maybe I'll do it even sooner cause tbh this isn't fair I'm actually disabled.

Sure nothing has happened YET!! THE KEY WORD IS YET. YET. I WILL FEEL THAT WAY FOREVER UNLESS THE EXPOSURE IS SLOW AND STEADY AND CONTROLLED

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

good god, i make a lot of promises i just can't keep

i forgot about tumblr again and every time i feel myself falling into depression (probably depression...i don't know...i've only ever been diagnosed with "situational depression" following grief or some kind of trauma or whatever...i struggled with the 'i don't know why i feel this way for no reason' stuff since i was a teen, but honestly i had a reason then, i have reasons now...they're often the same...so i dunno...i just don't feel right at all lately) i remember that it exists and that it's a space to just spew whatever anonymously and i need that sometimes.

my journal is so shit lately. just a record keeping thing a la Virginia Woolf or something. i've been busy 'living'. doing the music writing thing i talked about during my last update (which was like 9 months ago!) i've been a 'working writer' again i think. i want to step back from the music scene stuff though because it's exhausting and i'm poor and can't always go out to see shows all the time. a lot are free but in bars or restaurants where i'd feel like a total dick if i didn't buy something and since i'm a public transport rider sometimes i have to plan long stays and a girl has got to eat which can get expensive as hell downtown. i'm also getting poems published, winning poetry contests (!) (I don't know how honestly) and working on a poetry book for a contest with a deadline approaching. (i'm not worried, i'm almost done even though i haven't looked at the manuscript in over a week...it will be sent in, and early...honestly, it will be) i'm giving readings, attending events, going to writing groups...you know....WORK

making promises again...there i go. i have to stop doing that. i should start being honest. 'yeah, i'll write you back...when i feel like it..." (it's nothing personal...sometimes i'm just like 'i'm in a mood and don't want to snail mail you a letter of woe and terror'....and yes i have a bunch of penpals all over and i love contributing to the dying art of mailing handwritten letters and receiving them) 'yeah, local musican, i'll come out and tour your home recording studio and do a write-up of it...as soon as i don't find it exhausting to leave my bed....oh and even while i'm in this bed...i'm still nodding off over books, notebooks. the laptop, the stupid fucking cell phone i contemplate throwing into the lake every other day...as soon as i feel like i don't want to crawl out of my skin...whenever that will be...time undetermined." that's honesty. i'm walking around thinking or saying out loud 'i don't know what's wrong with me' because i don't.

my mother is telling me maybe i'm going through 'the change of life'. When have i not been going through some 'change of life'? i dunno. my cycle got weird but i read that was probably because of my having cov*d (AGAIN!) and what can that virus NOT do, seriously? this last round was 'mild' i guess but goddammit i hate that fucking illness. every time i swear it takes years off of my life. it probably does. don't get me started on vacc**es. they obviously don't fucking work to prevent and i have no way of knowing 'would it be worse if i wasn't unvacc**ated?' like so many people feel like they need to ask me. no one can know...we're all the mercy of something we can't control. i know someone who lost someone to c*vid and they were vacc**ated so all that 'be a good person and get the jab' stuff was a fucking lie. try not to get sick. it's not your fault if you do either. don't let anyone make you feel like it's your fault you caught any kind of illness, EVER. all i know is that it SUCKS to have it. it's SCARY still. i hate it.

i hate a lot lately. my outlook is so bleak these days. i get in that whole 'what's the point of doing anything?' mode more often than i'd like. i'm tired of the entire internet either being some bigot cess pool or a bunch of 'do-gooders' trying to guilt everyone into sharing their delusion that they can 'save the world' with them. look, i can't. i can't save this place. i can't save you or anyone. i can barely survive. also, i don't give a fuck about your politics at all and no i'm not participating in any election ever again. you don't have enough time nor do you care to hear why. so don't ask. 'choose the best for right now'. ok, i'm choosing me and my sanity, then.

i'm reading books i've read dozens of times. wurtzel. frame. plath poetry. watching the same movies over and over again or watching every video this one girl on youtube ever made because i like her voice...i don't even care what she's talking about half the time...i can barely focus on it...but her voice soothes me and the things she does talk about that capture my attention, really do capture it. also can't stop listening to fall out boy, ethel cain, and joy division. on repeat. odd mix, but okay.

people have pain i can't do anything about but relate to and i hate that. others are so far away and growing even farther away. i hate that too. my 'childhood issues' keep coming back to the forefront of memory and i hate all that too. i didn't even realize how shitty a lot of it was that wasn't so obvious. like the obvious things were obvious...being physically ab*used, etc...but other things like being forced to sleep in a room with a rat in it, not because there was no other place to sleep (totally a spare bedroom with no one in it available) but because you let the rat in by winning this giant stuffed animal from a carnival that obviously had the rat living in it because there was this rat sized hole in it that no one noticed until it was too late. i'm like 9. unable to sleep because i hear that thing scurrying around for over a week before a trap finally caught it. terrified that it's going to bite me and give me some disease or something. i was even told when i did leave my room 'don't let that thing out of there'. i mean, really? now i'm terrified of every furry cute creature (except chipmunks, i love chipmunks) and don't even get me started on spiders. i hate summer for so many reasons but bugs and spiders is probably worse than the heat.

oh and yeah wtf. why is it still 80 degrees out? maybe i'm just impatient, and not actually depressed. (here i am, in denial again) i see that october is going to bring some actual autumn temps and maybe that will pull me out of the funk. or maybe i'm just fucked? i don't know.

i hate days when i try to write poems and it's all shit, which has been how i've felt about anything poetic i've attempted to write in the last week and a half. i was on such a roll. but hey i've got a shit ton to edit so whatever.

i think i can declare myself 'too old' for the internet anytime now. i want out of the social media shit but it's not practical right now especially since i'm getting all these opportunities. i just want tumblr. or maybe i want tumblr from 15 years ago? everything's changed.

i just need more self discipline. 'why am i scrolling this shit?' 'yes, WHY ARE YOU?' we did this to ourselves.

ok i'm getting blown up with texts from someone i actually want to chat with so there's another conundrum. communication with others is something i'm addicted to. i can only say that i'm glad i'm doing more face-to-face connecting than being glued to the handheld box day after day. but yeah, sometimes you just aren't able to see people all the time. ok, ok...i'm going to respond to these texts now...

baiii

[skyburger]

oh my goddddd it makes me so mad that i am pretty much doomed to live in the united fucking states of america for the rest of my life because i seriously do not want to learn to drive. like it makes me so fucking anxious i get anxious on STAIRS how am i supposed to fucking drive. but because we live in the worst place on earth theres no other option. like i cannot afford ubers everywhere nor is there fucking public transportation. and like moving out of the country would be a hassle at best and undoable at worst from reasons ranging from "i use a lot of electronics / computers / video game consoles often and i do NOT want to deal with different power outlets / voltages again" (i lived overseas for 5 years and it was hell to get any consoles set up. but like im not fucking re-buying all my games and a british wii instead its a lose-lose) to "some of my medication (mostly adderall) is straight up not legal in most countries so that severely limits my options". hell on fucking earth! i do not want to live in this wretched country i genuinely do not like it here but anywhere else i would like to live usually has adderall as an illegal drug. like here are my top picks for where i would live if i could live overseas no problems (in no particular order):

japan. good public transportation, i speak some of the language and am working on learning more. however adderall is illegal there so it's out of the question

germany. good public transportation, i speak some of the language & am working on learning more, plus i have german citizenship which saves a lot of hassle. adderall is also not legal here so it's out of the question

england. have lived there before, good public transportation, have family i know and love there. adderall is legal here! however i already lived in england 5 years and i kind of dont really want to go back. like its a lovely country! id just rather live somewhere new u know

canada. adderall is legal here and i obviously speak english. however the public transportation situation i hear is pretty much the same (maybe SLIGHTLY better) so like whats the fucking point its a whole hassle for really no benefit

and like even if i DID move to england or canada. i think i'd have to get it re-prescribed and like it was enough of a hassle the first time i know theyre gonna want me to try every other adhd medication before i get adderall back like Please. i already spent years trying them all and this is the only one that works for me. so my current options (at least in my mind) are this:

live overseas and just have someone mail me my prescription. however this is very illegal and i would risk going to jail for this for up to five years in germany and up to ten in japan (and potentially being deported in the latter!), not to mention the possibility of being fined instead of or as well as that

stay in the US and continue to take my meds legally. and just Suffer. best case scenario if i can SOMEHOW afford to live somewhere walkable (a city probably) then i can do that

learn to drive. absolutely not happening! i am too much of a nervous nelly

like i seriously dont want to have to work out the best medication for me AGAIN in another country but at this point thats probably the best option. adderall i will miss you dearly. i think i was gonna say something else but i forgot what it was. idk. idk! ill figure it out eventually

[bilbobagginsomebabez]

lmao 1) i forgot to mention that LIBRARIES are the secret backbone of homeless community member support. 2) i never specifically said, but the Full Left Activist Position is pretty simple. their lives are worth more than property or profit. so it's free housing.z they are extremely vulnerable community members and we are currently in possession of the resources required (in excess!) to prevent any number of horrible things from happening to them. we have more empty houses in this country than homeless people, i trust you to do that math.

this can be done in any variety of ways and will also have to because our homeless community members are fucking diverse. some are families with a lost job and reposessed house and literally all they need to keep living their lives is a building to occupy. i think we should simply take those buildings away from rental corps with 100+ properties, but if that's too land-redistribution for your american sensibilities, you can fund community land grants (its a plot of land w complicated legal standing that belongs to people who are residents NOT PROPERTY OWNERS rights over the space. a way to legally re-establish commons in the US.) plop community centers and w/ long and short term housing on top or community owned housing with some space for a community garden and you've got a stable social safety net. still one with limited capacity, so we don't always wanna be fighting a losing battle against cracks in floors that need to be entirely replaced. to solve homelessness, universal healthcare (particularly trauma-informed mental healthcare) is a non-negotiable. where people aren't forced into homelessness by job loss or physical disability, it's usually due to pre-existing trauma and/or severe and persistent mental illness. they need compassionate informed consent healthcare for free. no ifs ands or buts. don't even get me into the bullshit with the criminal justice system and how much time it will take to unwork laws that boil down to "don't be homeless we'd really rather you die quickly."

off the top of my head, another random things that would help are things like re-starting postal bank accounts or loitering laws. they used to be opened for every citizen automatically at either birth or age of majority. banks lobbied to get rid of them because the post office was too useful and 'suppressing competition.' wildly useful for womens rights and ability to escape abusive environments with an automatically private and unclosable financial repository and ALSO as a reliable financial repository and point of identification for transient community members. a huge huge problem for our community is losing their entire savings every time they're arrested (seized as evidence) or stay in a shelter (salvation army takes them as "donations" in some places.) also once you've lost every bit of your identification, it's hard as hell to get it all back. postal bank accounts help a lot with that. loitering laws are hostile to the homeless and community formation and also to human life. city landscaping that's non-native, ugly, and useless replaced with community gardens within walking distance of transportation hubs. and also free public transportation is important. like it stabilizes housing prices which is cool but it also increases economic mobility and resilience of communities by allowing them to move freely. public transportation is vital to transient community members, you would be fucking SHOCKED at how much they move around and how far they go to make it through every day. it's fucking brutal in car cities and places where public transport bars the homeless.

we can do this stuff for and with our community.

I just don't really understand the modern discourse on homelessness. I mean the conservative position is pretty well staked out at this point (send the police to harass, arrest, and occasionally kill them) but what's the liberal messaging here? Affordable housing, sure, but seriously, what's the plan for people who can't work or otherwise make money?

[adriartts]

Hello again I am STILL thinking about the most episode ever.  Fuck him up, Data!!

[aurrieattorney]

fellas i might be going slightly insane from lack of social contact with peers

[zackfairmutual]

.