#and then i remember all the times i've had to go without bc my psychiatrist wouldn't send in refills and it's like
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oooooougg here comes the fuckin depressive part of the mood cycle
#even though it's very good to have the insight i hate being aware of the way my mood cycles#when it's depressive it's like okay great i'm not gonna wanna do shit and i'm gonna eat way more and sleep way more#when it's manic it's like okay i feel really good right now but im impulse buying like crazy and any good feeling aren't gonna last#i wish tms was proven to be helpful for treating bipolar so my insurance would cover it :/#sometimes i wonder how much of a difference my medications are actually making#and then i remember all the times i've had to go without bc my psychiatrist wouldn't send in refills and it's like#they do something. they just bring me to a functional baseline but they don't stop my symptoms from happening
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is your bf not gentle with you omfg?? leave himm what is even the point
I KNOW IM EXPERIENCING THE WORST COGNITIVE DISSONANCE OF MY LIFE I'm sharply remembering that I'm not even in my 20s yet (few months to go) and I'm feeling the burn of teenage stupidity rn
Can I rant here? I'm gonna rant here hold on
Ok so without sounding like I'm bleeding out from Cupid's arrow he's genuinely very kind and thoughtful and generous to me, and has done everything right for the past two years where we've not argued once except for a few disagreements that we've mutually committed to solving as soon as possible and to the best of our ability. He's said he's stopped watching porn and I trust him bcs I have to have some level of trust to make it work.
Until this past week where I've gotten the ick. He is in love with me, I can see that. However. He seems to be exploring (?) things? Like he's pushed my head on the bed a bit roughly while we've had sex and put his fingers into my mouth when I don't like it and I've told him that blah blah. He has flung me about in rough ways and he has hurt me unintentionally before. He also does not read my body language AT ALL. It's our working theory that he's a littleee autistic. I come from an exceptionally well attuned family where things go without saying all the time and for him to ignore signals I think are obvious without saying and rude to say is weird to me. Just before, for instance, he kissed me and didn't let go even when I was struggling against him until I actually managed to get out protests. And I've told him to stop licking me which I find gross and violating bcs I hate germs and it's a disgusting feeling on my face but he's forgotten that apparently 🙄 and he'll attack me with kisses until I'm actually overstimulated to the point of freezing up
Ok I'm suffering but I'm gonna keep going whenever I talk about things that affect me emotionally he has to approach the conversation from a "different angle" so he "understands" me but I've come to think it's just exhausting to have to defend my position LIKE BEFORE I was talking about how my male psychiatrist told me I should go on SSRIs I don't want to go on bcs my ADHD meds haven't arrived and it's the next thing he could think of, and when I said I'll talk to my parents about it he shamed me for having "no autonomy". Anyway I told my boyfriend and he was saying well maybe you do need more autonomy and maybe the doctor's right and I was like DAMN. EVEN IF HE WAS I was really stressed and I needed to just have someone to listen to me. When I said this he got annoyed and was like "well do you want me to treat you like I would treat any normal person?" And I was like NO. I want you to treat me like your GIRLFRIEND and offer some support without immediate solutions
Feeling like a knife is in my heart but let's continue he's acting really fucking weird and immature recently, like making weird faces or trying to bite me or lick me like he licked my fucking scalp yesterday and I have never felt such abject cringe. And when I was talking to him before he couldn't seem to get off his fucking Instagram and I had to eventually be like babe no I actually want your attention here hello? But the immaturity combined with all of this has really given me the ick. Like it's just ugly of him when he does these stupid faces and won't shut up making noises.
OH MY GOD I was crying at the gym the other day I've said it on here and when I was home crying about it he wouldn't stop being fucking weird and playing with my hands and I tried to ignore it until I actually snapped and I just cried out "stop it" and he was like "ok well what do you want me to do then" and I was like idk just don't act absolutely oblivious when I'm crying please. And then he'll act like a baby if I'm mad until he decides it's actually serious and then he'll get super disappointed and nonchalant and blah blah.
I think these are the feelings I've been suppressing, actually. I think these are the feelings I don't want to admit to myself bcs even tho I've listed out the worst of him here the positives are so good. I just. Idk.
If I was reading this I would be horrified and disappointed in her that she would put up with this while claiming to be a radfem but obviously I'm not perfect bcs I'm dating a man in the first place lol. I'm better than whatever he's putting me through, and even tho I wanted this whole relationship to be perfect I don't deserve to lie and suppress my instincts and common sense bcs I love him.
I don't know what to say now bcs I'm going to be painfully vulnerable here and say I'm not sure I have the courage to break up with him bcs I do actually love him even tho he's weird as fuck lol. I don't know. I don't know. I'm still young and idk. Idk if I can talk to him about this and sort it out or if he's not worth my time, even tho I wish he was. I wanted it to be him so fucking badly I still do. I think I've lost too much blood from that fucking arrow tho 💘
Sorry anon for ranting I'm sad now I'm going to sit in my room and have a good hard think about this man
#ref#for myself#no tags bcs i already know exactly what everyone i value will say and i need to think if i have the courage to go through with it
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hi everyone! how r u doing?
i was looking for some advice here, to anyone that might know what to do. just in case this topic is triggering for someone, im gonna talk abt psychiatric medication, mention mental hospitals, some abuse and several other mental issues. im not gonna get into detail but please, if any of these things will make u feel bad, don't read this. I just really don't know what to do.
i had some issues from when I was twelve til I was like 17, when i started getting a lot better. I was in a mental hospital at twelve, fifteen and sixteen, a month and a half each time. I was given a serious diagnosis at twelve and plenty doctors told me later in life (pretty late honestly) that it totally wasn't that. also, every brain scan I've ever had showed no symptoms of this condition that would have totally appeared on the images.
for context, the place I grew up in was a total nightmare. not gonna go into detail as I said in the beginning, but it had to do a lot with the fact that my mother was neglecting me, emotionally and also verbally abusing me from a very young age, and it didn't help at all that she had a lot of boyfriends she'd bring to live with us after only a month of knowing them (since I was four till I decided to gain some inner and mental peace and got a job and moved out, this happened). so the first time I was addmited to the mental hospital, I discovered there a safe place where I was heard and cared for, also a routine and stability I had never had (for more context, at nineteen years old I moved houses about ten times, that I can remember obviously).
so, I been on different medications for the last seven years. the final diagnosis was this thing where my mood can shift from being very happy to very sad (not bipolar disorder), supposedly being about my brain chemistry and not about the fact that I've been on survival mode since my birth until I finally left my mother's house and moved with my father (a very loving, patient and caring man that showed me what compassion and true care really felt like). plenty of doctors told me that I don't really need the medication at all right now, and also I don't have the best psychiatrist honestly. she never really texts me to see how I'm doing or to call me, the only times we talk are when I text her to get my prescription or when I'm feeling down and need to talk. she is being paid for doing nothing basically.
three months ago, I moved in with what started as a three-person relationship, a girl and a boy. the girl turned out to be narcissistic and manipulative, something I learned to detect and stay away from based on my mother and past relationships. she hurt me and this boy a lot, phisically and emotionally, and then acted like it was our fault if we got sad or angry. anyway, with my boyfriend we discussed this and ended things with her, she moved out and we're living alone. it wasn't easy obviously. she wouldn't leave without screaming and saying very hurtful things, trying to turn my boyfriend and I against each other which clearly didn't work. I also would like to clarify that at least my boyfriend and I were very excited with all the future we were planing for the three of us, trying really hard to keep going even though things were very complicated and were making us so sad all the time. we truly loved her, and although I saw fairly quickly what she was all about, I would never get involved in my boyfriend's process and talk shit abt her with him, I would never want to feel like I'm getting in the way and trying to split us up. so I waited even if it hurt, every word and hit and every trigger she caused in both me and my boyfriend. and u may wonder, why did I stayed there after all that? simply bc of the loving boy that showed me some true and unconditional love I have never had; someone so sweet, patient, sensitive, kind, compassionate and so so empathic that hurting me will make him feel just as bad but won't even make it about him. the very few times it happened, he was able to apologize and recognize what he did wrong and most importantly, never did it again. I would never leave him alone in that situation, and what made him see all of this was seeing the way she hurt me, which also made him notice he felt the same way without me saying anything. it may sound like the bare minimum but honestly, I come from a very very abusive (in every way imaginable) past relationship were I was only worth my body and what I could do with it, just showing me the right amount of affection to make me stay there while he just got what he wanted: someone so broken and selfless that wouldn't care how many times she was truly hurt and would run to confront him even though he was the one who really messed up. I'm a lot better now about it, sometimes it hurts to think about those two years I stayed with him but at least now I can recognize the patterns and stay the hell away from them. (don't know if this is important, but I was 17 when we got together and he was 19).
so, now things are getting better, really better. it's so sad that the house feels so much lighter and filled with love and laughter since our ex girlfriend left, but it's also so relieving. my boyfriend and I are able to laugh and dance and love eachother every day although things weren't easy, proving that we are really stronger that anything that can happen.
it's important to mention that when I started taking my pills I was taking a very high dosage (two 100mg pills every day) and it was truly horrible. it only turned off my brain, made me feel absolutely nothing and really sleepy, unable to focus and unable to think straight. thanks to this, I missed all of my high-school years. I was there, but my brain wasn't. with the years and talking with my psychiatrist, I was able to take down the dosage to only a quarter of a 100mg pill. the thing is, in the almost three months I had been with my ex girlfriend, when I was taking half a pill, I missed it for one or two days at a time. sometimes because I forgot and when I remembered, it was late and I knew I wasn't going to wake up for another 16 hours like it always happens, and other times because I just didn't want my brain to shut off like that. it's so horrible that my body just keeps going until it gives up. and almost every time I took the pills, I suffered serious tics until my body gave up and I fell asleep. it was a nightmare. so, I talked to my psychiatrist and managed to take it down to a quarter. gonna be honest, I'm not taking them anymore. I had always hated them, but now I know that I went slowly with it and not suddenly, and that other therapists that really care told me I never really needed them (I just needed to get out of my house honestly. another nightmare I lived in for 18 years). as u can see, I hadn't had it any easy haha.
to make things worst, I started to work again in a very stressful job that keeps me away from home and my partner all day, that started to make me really depressed and so so tired. I wasn't feeling like this before, it all started with this job and as things are very complicated economically, I was willing to try and hold on. it was really turning me into a different person, I was being so impatient and sometimes desconsiderate with my partner, something I only realized after I said some things and got so hurt that I would ever say it and make my partner feel that way. I'm not the kind of person to not think before I talk, and I would never ever hurt anyone intentionally, even less if it's my wonderful boyfriend. I was also feeling so distanced from him and from the only place I could call a home and a safe place, and that hurt so much.
I take a bike for work, and two days ago when I was going to the afternoon shift (I worked morning and afternoon, with enough time to go home at 14:30 pm and stay there for half an hour to eat and talk a bit with my partner before having to go back and come home around nine pm) I got hit by a motorcycle that was going fast and not really looking where they were going. the hit was bad, but at the moment with the adrenaline and the shock I just got up, carried my broken bike for eleven blocks and worked anyway. when I got there, I could barely lift my right arm and everything hurt so much. I was dizzy and felt like I had a fever, and I worked anyway. at night, i told my supervisor (that knew exactly what happened and how I was feeling) that I didn't know if I could go in at work the next day. she got mad that we're short-staffed and she wasn't being noticed with enough time, and forced me to go anyway. the next day (yesterday) I woke up and couldn't get up. I was so uncomfortable and crying from the pain, I actually been needing help getting dressed up, getting up and even going the bathroom and showering. when my boyfriend saw me like this, he talked some sense into stubborn me and I talked with my supervisor to let her know I couldn't go in that day, that I would be going to the hospital as soon as I could. she got really mad and told me that they didn't handle things that way there, and that we would need more organization.
my boyfriend took me to the er that day and we spent the whole day there, me crying from pain and exhaustion and barely moving without help. they gave me very strong medication that did nothing, so they had to put me into the emergency room and give me morphine, which only made me stop crying and feeling everything in my body except for my shoulder. also, in this whole hour I was with morphine and being mistreated by nurses (which had to put the morphine twice as the first time they did it so wrong my arm started to swell and hurt really bad) my partner couldn't even be there bc of the protocol, so I was alone and scared in a white room I found so recognizable with no battery on my phone to talk to my loved ones.
after being in the hospital for almost eight hours, I found out I have a fractured rib and a very badly hurt shoulder. I was prescribed the strongest medication they could give me and an orthopedic thing to cure my rib. I haven't been sleeping well because every position is either hurting me or extremely uncomfortable and not eating well because of the nausea from the two medications I'm taking. I talked to my mom (that tried to be helpful and payed for food and medication but in the process told me that I was exaggerating and other really, really hurtful things a parent should never say to their child even if they think they're joking) and she says that if I'm feeling down or having tics (that only come when I'm truly exhausted and not home) it's just because I suspended my medication. this got me thinking and after a rough night were I slept like five hours and had to wake up from the pain, I woke up so sad. so so sad. I get it after writing all of this that is comprehensible to feel this way, also because I'm probably getting fired and the economy in my country is in such a state that we would need serious help from my father and mother-in-law if I don't have the job. but it also makes me angry, because my boyfriend has been so wonderful with all of this. he has been caring for me and doing everything for me, even helping me to take my pants down to go to the toilet and showering me. also, he made things so easy and I was even laughing and feeling kinda good emotionally when I was with him. he never once made me feel bad about all the help I was getting (and needing so much help for everything is very hard for me, especially bc I was forced to do everything alone since I can remember, the only help I got later being thrown in my face and giving me so much guilt).
the question is, I don't really know if I'm feeling like this bc of my medication. I know I didn't quit taking them suddenly, my psychiatrist told me we could take the dosage down and I went really slowly with it. also as I said, plenty of doctors told me I didn't really need them and that my doctor was just giving them to me to get paid, not really caring about how I was really feeling. I was doing pretty well considering how things are going, and considering I was told all my life I could never live on my own or do basically anything on my own. I've acomplished so much in the last years that everyone that cares is so proud, and I am too.
it's just that after the comment my mother made, I'm kinda starting to feel she might be right. I've been honselty feeling very good in the last time without taking my pills, it's just the situation is so difficult. I don't ever want to take those pills again, they make my brain shut off all day and I can't enjoy anything. they weren't even making me feel good emotionally as they should, they just cancel every emotion.
also, my mother has a history of believing the really bad doctors over me just because they did and said what she wanted, and the only psychologists that were truly helping me and making me feel heard and making me see a lot of things were suddenly terrible and bad for me, so she forced me to change therapists again (one of the therapists I had that she never really let me stop seeing was on her phone during sessions, told me all the time I was exaggerating, and even told me when I was abused by my ex partner that boys are all like that and that I shouldn't leave him just for that. she was part of the reason I stayed with him for so long).
I don't really know what to do. I don't wanna go back to that job but the economy is just so complicated. should I let some time pass and see if I get better (emotionally and physically)? I'm so lost and so sad.
if you read all of this, thank you so much. my current psychologist isn't responding to my texts, she only tells me she'll see if she can give me a time for a session but never does. it might have to do with the fact that I couldn't pay for the last two (and very expensive) sessions because I have no money and no help from the mother who told me would pay for all of this. the therapist know all of this. so, I haven't had any psychological help either. please, if you could give me any constructive advice I would be so thankful. and also, if you're gonna comment, please be considerate, I'm in such a bad place right now I couldn't handle any more bad words.
again, thank u if u read all of this. take care of yourself, drink water and eat something and if u can, move a little. hope u are feeling well <3
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Arella rambles !!
I need to yap about her I will literally explode if I don't /hj
@pastel-rights (Hiii 🙋🏼♀️ I thought you'd like to read my silly thoughts + Cas is mentioned teehee <3)
ARELLAAA
she means so much to me.. I get emotional when it comes to her and I've just. AHHHH
I've been having many thoughts and I wanna talk about her backstory and her relationships, both with herself and with other people </3
Trigger Warnings: Death/Missing people, Controlling/Manipulative behavior, Pills/Medication being used for the wrong reasons
(More under the cut bc I have a feeling this is gonna be very long once I'm done)
Before I start rambling here's her backstory (I tried to shorten it but I'm bad at doing that 😔)
Arella had best friend named Genevieve/Gen. When she was 8, Gen died at 11 from sickness. Arella didn't handle the grief well, and after Gen's mom disappeared, children started going missing too.
Cherry (Arella's mom) moves her to someplace safer (the town they're from becomes abandoned).
Noticing her daughter's grief becoming worse as the months pass, Cherry takes her to see a psychiatrist.. Said psychiatrist is a manipulative, money-hungry bastard, and convinces Cherry to give Arella a pill that is meant to "fix" her. Spoiler alert, the medicine doesn't "fix" her at all.
Of course, Cherry is desperate to help her daughter and starts giving her the medicine anyways. The medicine causes Arella's memory of her childhood to become foggy, and soon she no longer remembers Genevieve or anything else that happened.
Years go by, Arella is not having a fun time. She is constantly made fun of for being so forgetful, and finds it hard to make friends let alone anything more than that. Despite knowing this, Cherry continues giving her the medicine, slowly becoming obsessed with the idea of protecting Arella.
Arella is finally allowed to have a job, and works as a library assistant. She finds it surprisingly easy to fit in, and becomes good friends with the owner's daughter ,Darli, who ends up being like the sister she never had.
At some point Arella is kidnapped by a cult, where she meets her future boyfriend, Cas (I genuinely don't know when this fits into the timeline, but for now I'm going with within the first six months she starts working at the library </3)
Being away from home forces Arella to go without the medicine. She starts having these what she at first assumed to be hallucinations popping up in her head whenever she thought too hard. They weren't hallucinations however, they were memories.
When she returns to the library, months pass and she finds a book while stocking the shelves. Something about the town on it seems familiar. After a bit of her own research, she finds out it's where she's actually from. And this slowly leads to her uncovering some things part of her wishes she hadn't, including the truth about the medicine.
She tries to confront her mother about all of this, but is brushed off and told she was thinking too much and should just keep taking the pills.
Arella, after mulling it over for days, decides enough is enough, packs her things, and leaves to find the truth herself. She goes to the abandoned town, to her old childhood home. And while at first she once again thinks she's hallucinating, the ghosts in that house are very much real. And one of them, has a very familiar name: Genevieve.
OKAY backstory over now it's time to yap /hj
Arella.. has struggled immensely when it comes to how she views herself. She's always felt like something was wrong with her. When people are constantly dumbing you down to being nothing but a dumb, niave blonde, it becomes difficult to think of yourself as anything more than that. You can try and make yourself look different, even going as far as to dye most of your hair red. But the words people have told you for so long will, undoubtedly stick inside your head.
Arella's name means "Angel", which makes the entire "dumb, niave blonde" thing sadder. Angels, in most forms of art and literature, are seen as beings of innocence and purity. While Arella does seem innocent, she is far from it. Her mind harbors more than even she understands, and her frustration and grief over how "broken" she feels grows more and more with each passing day. But no matter how much she has tried to explain this, even to her own mother, no one seems to understand.
Before she met Cas, she was told over and over again that she was "too stupid to love". Even if those words never came from her mother, and rather from classmates and complete strangers alike, they've always hung in the back of her mind, being one of the handful of things she couldn't forget. She saw no point in even trying to feel anything beyond platonic for anyone, thinking that no one could possibly see her that way. Now she's been proven very wrong. Very, very wrong. She always thought of herself as exactly what everyone said: "too stupid to love", but now she has something she never imagined she would have.
Arella is.. a lot more smitten with Cas than she can put into words. At least, verbally. She's definitely written a poem or two about him.. or three.. maybe even more than than that.
She'd be embarrassed if anyone found out about them. I can just imagine Genevieve finding them and then asking a million questions about Cas LMAO.
"RELLY you have a boyfriend???! What's he like?? Is he pretty?? Have you guys ki-"
"Genevieve, Genevieve.. please.. its two in the morning.. But yes to all of those now let me sleep-"
":D"
"....."
"... Wait a second."
Genevieve is so silly. Silly ghost child.
Genevieve becomes like a younger sister to Arella. Especially once Arella remembers everything. Genevieve finds this funny considering she was three years older than Arella when she died.
Okay now I wanna talk about Arella's relationship with Cherry because it's uh. It's complicated.
Cherry herself is a.. complex character, with her own trauma and reasons for doing things. While her experiences don't excuse what she did, they definitely give insight to what was going on inside her head.
The worst part of all of this, is Cherry WAS a good mom. At one point, before everything happened. She wasn't controlling, and wasn't obsessed with protecting her daughter. She used to be the mom everyone deserves. But after everything, her desperation to protect Arella became an obsession. And while she thought she was doing a good thing by giving Arella those pills to make her forget the grief of losing her best friend, that grief was slowly replaced with a different kind of grief. The grief of feeling out of place. Of feeling "broken".
Arella knows Cherry was manipulated too. She knows the healthcare system is partial to blame for all of this, and does feel some ounce of sympathy for her mother desire the pain she caused her. Which is why her choice to never forgive Cherry for what she's done was a.. very difficult one. She does understand Cherry's reasons, and because of that she can't bring herself to say she hates her. But what she's done is irredeemable in Arella's eyes, no matter if she had good intentions. Forgiveness isn't an option for Arella, as much as it hurts her to say. Especially with the knowledge that Cherry was, at one time, the best mother in the world.
I think I'm done rambling now, there's probably so much more I could say but I'm exhausted 😔
Arella is so <333 I love her so much. The pretty [traumatized] poet.
#original characters#ocs#original character#my ocs#my original characters#arella dahlia (oc)#cherry dahlia (oc)#genevieve (oc)#RAMBLES
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4/29/2023
It's the end of the semester. The energy in the air is changed and I feel a very liminal connection to the people around me. I feel like I'm watching everyone else exist and I'm trapped inside a box. Everyone else living their lives, doing their thing, and I'm just a spectator.
I can't remember if I took my meds today.
I'm tired.
I have self image issues. I have issues with how I form relationships. I have things I need to work out.
Remember when my psychiatrist told me to start going to therapy? Maybe she was right.
Lately I've been focused on the human condition. Things that are so indescribably human. That you should hold on to when you experience it. These include:
- being wasted at a party and stepping outside to feel the cool night air
- telling someone you love them for the first time
- being stuck in traffic
To name a few. The human condition is really important to me because I tend to forget that I'm living a life that is finite and needs to be enjoyed. I get caught up in tiny things that don't matter and forget the good things about life. So I try to remind myself that we have our bad moments but we have to exacerbate the good ones.
I'm hoping I'm just being dramatic bc I had a not-so-good day. To be completely fair, I don't really know what I'm upset about aside from the banquet bullshit. But what I do know is that it has affected me. To the point where I'm questioning my validity in all of my relationships. Feeling like people are better off without me (not suicidal).
Maybe I need sleep. Might sleep, might keep typing. I don't think I've said everything I need to say just yet.
I want things to be good. I want to go on drives with my friends with the windows down and go swimming and listen to loud music and dance and get high and hug and laugh and cry and talk with my friends. I want this summer to be good. I need this summer to be good.
This summer will be good.
Three posts today, wow. Good job me.
I need to sleep.
Goodnight.
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I hope my reblog is welcome!!
I've has 2 full-on episodes of psychosis plus some psychotic symptoms here and there over the years
Anon is welcome in my ask box if they want to hear more
Putting it under a cut bc it's A Lot
My first big episode was in 2016 and 2017. I had previously been on Seroquel from 2014 to 2015 but stopped it without medical approval bc I didn't feel like the side effects were worth the benefits -- at that time, it was just dissociation and hallucinations and delusions that didn't happen all that often, so being twitchy and sleepy and hungry wasn't worth it at that point. It started with just elevated anxiety in March or so, I was missing a lot of class from this and failed all my courses the semester that episode started (my psych teacher told me to not even bother showing up for the exam). It slowly built up over the months. It was affecting my concentration, and I have ADHD, so I thought I was building a tolerance to Ritalin, but taking breaks from Ritalin didn't help. It made it harder to find pleasure in my interests and to take care of my apartment and I was frequently tired, so I also thought it was a depressive episode. My sleep was all off, and I was getting the normal ratio of sleep time to awake time, but I was staying awake for longer at once and sleeping for longer at once -- I've talked before on my blog about staying up all night playing Monster Rancher 2, and that would be an example of my sleep issues during 2016. I started noticing I was hallucinating and dissociating more. I was also having cognitive issues, where I couldn't find my words and wasn't always able to complete sentences or I would forget what I was saying in the middle of saying it. It got to the point where the only productive things I could do alone were showering and feeding my cat, so my mom had to come over to help with stuff like dishes or the garbage and I would sometimes shower multiple times in one day just to feel like I was getting something done. Eventually, I gave up my apartment and moved back in with my mom. During those last few months in my apartment, I was on academic probation (the student loan people wouldn't give me more money bc I failed my courses) but my counsellor at school still let me go to see her. I remember I once left her a voicemail at 8pm and her responding like "Nobody calls at that hour when they're doing well." She had drop-in hours that were supposed to be 15 minutes long per session, but she was patient with me and let me take 30 minutes or so to fumble around with my words and struggle to tell her what was happening. She had me start seeing her frequently so she knew I was getting out of my apartment and she pulled some strings to get me in with a doctor at the student wellness centre. I remember I had this sensation that pieces of my brain were missing -- not a belief/delusion, but I just had this weird feeling inside my body that things weren't where they should be, and maybe that was my nervous system trying to tell me that Something Is Wrong. Once I moved in with my mom in December 2016, I started back at school in January 2017 and, by some miracle, was able to do it. I had some leftover Seroquel that I took just to get some sleep in February, and that ended up helping a lot, so I kept taking it. I was eventually given a psychiatrist at the student health centre who knew I was looking to transfer schools, so she kept me at 75mg out of fear that 100mg would get me rejected from any psychosis program she would refer me to when finding me a new psychiatrist in my new city. I thought my episode was over, but when I moved, I had all this sudden stimulation of living in a city and having roommates and going to an unfamiliar school, which brought out symptoms like irritability and anxiety. I didn't have my new psychiatrist yet (I moved in September and got my first appointment with the new psych in October) so I started taking 100mg by myself and then went to the student health centre to get a prescription to reflect this new dose. And then things settled with my psychosis from there 🤷♀️ There was more (some disabling fatigue) that we thought was psychosis but turned out to be immune issues possibly related to what's either endometriosis, adenomyosis, or primary dysmenorrhea.
My second big episode was in 2022. I have a complicated relationship with my medications and get frustrated with them sometimes, so one night in April, I started crying at the idea of taking Seroquel, but I compromised with myself and decided to take 50mg instead of the 75mg I was prescribed at that time. I woke up feeling a lot better, I had more energy and was getting more done. I used that energy and drive to make a cake that said "ass" on it. But then I started noticing some other changes over the course of weeks. I was saying weird things or things I just generally shouldn't say -- I think the earliest example of it that's visible on my blog is when I asked whether andalites (the centaur-like aliens from Animorphs) can do backflips. (When I told my friends I was having an episode and I used that post as an example of why I knew I was actively psychotic, their response was along the lines of "Well? CAN andalites do backflips?" instead of expressing worry. Bless them. I think we decided it depends on their physique and yes if they are deer-like as in the graphic novels but no if they are horse-like as in the TV show.) I also noticed I was having more hallucinations, mostly olfactory but also visual and I think auditory. I was having rapid mood swings, which, in combination with my medical trauma that was still heavy at the time, caused some destructive behaviours that led to me visiting the ER (I got to leave the same day bc I was just getting an injury attended to and turned down an offer for a mental health assessment -- it was a very positive hospital experience and I can talk about it more if anyone wants). My brain felt in a way that I can only describe as "soupy" -- like pieces of thoughts are floating around in my head and are moving in and out of view, akin to pieces of vegetables in a broth being stirred by a spoon. I remember my brain was soupy when my friends and I went to see Priyanka perform, and we had to leave due to an emergency, but I really didn't care bc I don't know if I would've fully enjoyed it in my state and I was glad to get to be helpful during that emergency. I also remember meeting a queen from my local scene during this episode and neither of us being completely sure if we'd met before bc I was feeling soupy and she told me that her brain "is a ravioli." (My local kings and queens are so good about my mental health and they all handled my psychotic episode so well.) This episode went on until December or January, when it resolved itself and my brain switched gears to being in an anorexia relapse, so that means when my friend had top surgery in November and we were out of province, I was in mild psychosis. It all ended up going well, aside from struggling with words bc I had the double-whammy of cognitive issues plus being in QUÉBEC (which resulted in me walking into a Tim Horton's, realising I didn't even know how to start the conversation in French, sighing deeply, and simply asking "Parlez-vous anglais?" before ordering my tea in English bc it was the end of the day so my Seroquel was wearing off) and then I was having trouble paying attention to stuff (so I got so distracted by the prescence of a St. Hubert restaurant in the airport that I almost walked right into a person and my friend had to stop me) -- but he was more mobile than we expexted and he was really sleepy from pain meds so I fucked off to a nearby mall to let him nap and my job was really just to bring a frozen coffee for him to our hotel room and carry his luggage at the airports. I was also irritable af at times and got into a fight with a friend through Discord over something little. And like I said, it wore off on its own in December or January.
I also had some symptoms come back up in summer of 2023, but it was just more of what I had in 2022 to a lesser extent (irritability, rapid mood swings, hallucinations) bc we were trying to change me to Latuda and then successfully changed me to Abilify, so it happened bc I was cross-tapering antipsychotics
Edit to add: I don't exclusively experience psychotic symptoms during episodes and have hallucinated for as long as I can remember and have had my current main delusion since 2012. The reason I was on Seroquel before my big episode was a) to counterbalance an antidepressant I was on, b) I was having dissociation that was distressing and possibly putting me in danger, and c) my GP at the time was obsessed with medicating away my hallucinations.
can i ask what psychosis was like for you? i’m struggling to explain it to friends and family when they ask, i’ve also never met someone who has had psychosis
Sure thing, I actually have a pretty lengthy post detailing my first psychotic episode, if you’re interested in reading it.
I also have a more metaphorical post describing how I feel while in psychosis.
Now that i think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone in person who has psychosis either. (Unless you count some of the people I talked to at the mental hospital.) It can feel a little alienating, which is why I enjoy finding communities online for psychotic people.
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How did you know that you had ADHD?* I'm a woman, and I've always felt weird/different. Recently, a friend sent me a few articles on female ADHD because she thought it sounded like me, and it all "clicked." All the symptoms line up. Me having ADHD would explain a lot in my life. I know the next step is going to a doctor, but I really don't want to go, because there's a chance they'll tell me, "you don't have it." If that happens, I'm afraid I'd look like an attention seeker trying to victimize herself. I'm not, I swear! I just want to figure out what's wrong with me. Any help is appreciated! Thank you!
*(If you're not one of the Fundblr bloggers with ADHD, my apologies! I know there are a few of them here, I just can't remember which lol. In that case, can you please post this anyway so Fundblr bloggers with ADHD can see and respond? Thank you!)
If you sent these out randomly you're in luck, not only do I have ADHD but according to my last therapist it is "amazing that I was able to get this far without being diagnosed" 🙃
That being said, before I was diagnosed I literally felt *exactly* like you said you do right now.........I've always felt that I just dealt with life kinda differently than most people, especially most women. One day I was talking with an acquaintance who had been diagnosed w/ ADHD since she was a kid and everything she said was just clicking and made so much sense, so I started thinking maybe it was something I should look into. I'd been previously diagnosed w/ anxiety/depression and while treatments for those kinda numbed my issues they never totally helped (this is SUPER common for women with ADHD especially, because they are very underdiagnosed and a lot of mental health disorders can be comorbid with ADHD...I personally think my anxiety issues, which I've been treated for since 13, stem from being undiagnosed as long as I was).
So I was seeing a therapist for anxiety at the time and very timidly brought it up one day because, just like you mentioned, I was terrified of being viewed as attention-seeking or overly dramatic. She was super chill and cool about it and asked if I wanted to do the DSM checklist to see if it might be an issue, I said sure, and her response to my results was the above quote lol. My therapist wasn't a psychiatrist who could prescribe meds, so she contacted my general practitioner about it and I made an appointment to see my GP the following week to talk meds. If you can go about it this way I *really* recommend it just because doctors alone can be super annoying shits about ADHD since it's a spectrum disorder/hard to immediately diagnose and the drugs are heavily abused by neurotypicals.
My doctor made me go through the DSM checklist again, we talked about it for a while, she diagnosed me, and now, because of how abused drugs like Adderall are here in America, I am currently making my way down a list of 'safer' alternative medications before I get prescribed something that might actually help. Still, I'd consider being diagnosed one of the better things to ever happen to me because it's helped me understand how my brain works and I've learned a few non-med ways to cope. If you ever have questions or want to bounce ideas off of someone feel free to contact me!!! I'll do my best to help 💖
TL;DR: 1. you know yourself trust your gut!! even if it's not ADHD it still might be something so 2. tell a medical professional (a mental health one first if you can) and if they blow you off get more opinions bc doctors can be cunts about ADHD/mental health 3. message me if you wanna vent/have questions/etc!!!!!
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i had another question to send but i forgot so i'm going to ask, the past couple months i've really started thinking i have adhd, i talked to my therapist last week and i see my psychiatrist friday. i was wondering how you realized you had adhd and the major ways it impacts your life?
Omg thank you for coming to me babe!
I had zero idea that I had ADHD. I had a ton of childhood trauma/mood disorder/OCD. So, pretty much everything during my childhood that pointed to ADHD was ignored cause people just assumed it was my trauma.
I figured it out because a therapist suggested it to me. At first I was like, but I’M SMART????? Yeah that’s not what it is.
Some ADHD traits I have:
-I’m hyperaware of how others perceive me and someone’s tone can literally make me believe they hate me. It’s called rejection sensitivity disorder. I didn’t realize this about myself because I’m actually really independent and confident in my opinions. BUT I overexamine my interactions with EVERYONE. and then I obsess over them .
- I live in a studio apartment and I lose something at least once a day. Some things I have never found.
-I have complete time blindness. Its just not that I’m late for everything- I have zero concept of time. Once something is over, I don’t remember when it happened. And when it’s happening, I feel like it’s been happening my entire life. Like, say my jaw starts hurting, I couldn’t tell you if it started hurting this morning or a month ago. Because of this I have no concept of the future and it means I make dumb impulsive decisions.
-While I was good in school, I was really only good in English and social sciences. Math and Science were a no for me. And honestly, I and everyone, just assumed I was being lazy. I have a mentality that if im not good at something I never will be.
-Such bad executive dysfunction. To the point where I put off things I enjoy.
-I really can’t focus without caffeine and even then, im at like fifty percent.
-I’m a super loud talker. And I say what all the time bc it takes me a minute to process what is being said to me.
Unstructured Time literally sends me into huge depression mode. I can never decide what to do, so I do nothing.
These are just some. If you’re really wondering, I highly recommend the book Driven to Distraction. It has a test inside too.
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