#and then i really gotta do other stuff cause I've spent way to look on the art blogs this morning

[kanmom51]

Are you sure? Jeju - Episode 4

The Pool

Honey's I'm back. Been to the edge of Australia, literally, and back.

Finally watched the episode, and oh boy, there is so much to break down, isn't there.

I won't lie, I've seen so much talk about EVERYTHING here on Tumblr and on X, and I really am joining this party super late. But I will be posting here for the fun of it, cause it's never enough, right? And also maybe I can bring some of the moments together, for points to be made, Idk. I just hope I can manage to get some posts done before the next episode drops, cause there is really so much to unravel here.

Out of everything that went down I thought I'd start with JM and JK's pool party fest.

They return from dinner, where they let Tae know he's a guest on THEIR show once again (and I mention this just because those two just don't stop reminding us and him of said fact, lol) and decide to go into the pool to cool down.

JK looked like he needed a bit of cooling down when JM was undressing next to him.

It was just the two of them, Tae not joining.

JK is in first and JM following, entering and moving towards JK with a LOOK on his face. A LOOK that had JK finding the need to remind JM that the pool wall was glass and see through.

There is no way under the sun that JM's intentions were pure at this moment.

NO WAY!!!

JK knew it.

You gotta be daft not to see it, especially with that man's reaction to JK's comment.

And it's funny, cause it's not like JM didn't see that glass pool wall before. It was just JK's need to remind him off it that makes it so much clearer he was up to no good, lol.

Did you notice how the footage cuts at that moment? I guess we are already used to these cuts, right? There are PLENTY of them in this episode as well. Don't get me started on the before shower, during shower and after shower that night, lol.

Right after that cut we go into Jikook playful mode.

We don't know just how much time they spent in that pool, but we got close to 4 minutes of it. Clearly they were there for some time, we got to see some highlights. The PG version of them playing around in the pool.

It amazes me every time when I see just how in sync those two are with each other. And we got to see it here as well. I mean, we saw it right through the episode. Remember in part 2 of my Jikook in bed (AYS CT) when I mentioned JK was just being with JM when he was just resting his head on JM's thigh? Well, I believe that word is so appropriate for this episode as well.

BEING

Just the two of them.

Even with Tae there with them, it was just them being with each other. With the mundane and everyday stuff.

It's the checking in on each other (for example when JK was getting excited over the food in the Japanese restaurant and JM checks in on him, or when he hits his fist on the table in the chicken restaurant and again, JM checking in on him, or JK just rubbing JM's thigh in the restaurant in episode 3 knowing he's not feeling the best).

It's the making joint decisions - what to eat, when to eat, what to do, when to go to sleep.

It's the calmness. Just calmness in their interactions.

It's them knowing what the other is feeling or meaning, at times without even speaking.

It's them playing around with each other when others don't even understand what's going on (Tae on the boat not getting their playfulness or sense of humor).

It's their constant hyping each other up or complimenting each other.

It's them finding solace in each other.

It's them cuddling watching the sunset.

It's them finding figures in the clouds and drawing them.

It's them hugging while snorkeling.

It's them seeking each other out while snorkeling, wanting to share the experience with the other, share the fun.

It's them sharing their solo music and choreo with each other before it comes out. Spending their time talking about each other's singing and dancing.

It's them being super flirty and talking with underlying innuendos through out their conversations.

It's them just BEING with each other.

I will most likely be writing much more about this, probably small posts with these special moments, but I just had to mention this here as well. Because this here, their time in the pool, was one of those moments as well.

They just click.

And it's so damn loud just how special they are with each other, how different they are with each other.

Saying that is not about diminishing what they have with the other members, because we all know just how close they are with each other, all 7 of them. They are bandmates, they are good friends, they love each other. But let's be realistic here, with all of that, the level of their friendships, the depth of their relationships with each and every one of the other members varies. it's just how it is. Real life, you know. And saying that JM and JK's connection is different and showing how it's different does not diminish from their connections with the others, it just highlights THEM.

And as such, I don't cower away from making these comparisons, because they are part of what screams that the two are a couple. There are things you do with your significant other you don't with your good friend. There are ways you behave with said significant other that you won't with your good friend. There are things you will allow your significant other do to you, do with you, that you won't allow with a good friend. It's the way you communicate with your significant other, things you say, things you don't say, things you don't need to say, tones you use, all of which you don't do with a friend, no matter how good of a friend they are. That's life. No reason to shy away from that just because there are some people that will take it the wrong way.

JM and JK in the pool was just that.

When you know you know.

They were playing games with each other.

Btw, I'm gonna say it even though you have all probably noticed this already, but JK, he doesn't push JM in that game. Not one time. And it reminds me of previous times they've done this.

More games.

then for Tae's benefit.

They were being playful with each other.

They were having fun with each other, just BEING.

Doing THEIR thing.

Jjust clicking.

Being absolutely the cutest EVER possible.

And they can't be Jikook without their signature "You are me I am you", right?

This whole sequence reminded me of the last time we got to catch their late night playfulness. You know, the whole mosquito net debacle, lol.

Only this time there was no alcohol involved and they fully aware of the cameras filming them, lol.

And before all those that happen to be lurking here waiting for me to say something to latch onto start celebrating "she said it", I say calm your farm, because NO SHE DID NOT. Them knowing the cameras are there and having fun TOGETHER, at times posing for the cameras, hence doing it for us to see, takes absolutely NOTHING from it being an authentic and spontaneous interaction.

I can't believe that I actually have to explain this.

Did I mention how many times those two reminded Tae and us that he's a guest on THEIR show?

"The guest is coming"...

"He must be bored and wanting attention"...

"He must be lonely..."

And this is for our benefit? Or their own, perhaps, lol.

"He's the guest... guests can comb their hair...guests should be pretty..."

And then the editors chime in as well.

I guess it was super important to drive this point right home just in case there were those that still didn't get it.

This show, it's JM and JK's. Period.

Tae = guest.

And he is sure going to be reminded of that by both of them throughout the trip. He is, and so are we.

And what about JK leaving the pool only to jump in again ("it's cold") to climb out again with JM?

Again, one of those "we do things together" of theirs.

All in all, the episode was friggin amazing. If there was anyone who for some reason (delusions, for one) thought that Tae being there with them will take away from us seeing just how JIKOOK those two were, or that JK would show his undying love for his husband and father of his children (🤮🤮) that sure was a hell of a rude awakening for them.

The interactions were as clear as day. And very telling. As per usual and as I had said in the past, if anything then JM is the axis with JK and Tae circling him, biding for his attention, JK knowing everything there is to know about JM while Tae needing to say just how much he knows JM. And if we're on the subject of Tae wanting to tell us just how much he knows JM, what we also got to see is just how much Tae and JK don't know about each other (Tae not knowing JK doesn't drink sweet drinks before eating or JK not knowing that Tae has been struggling with sleep lately), again, as a stark difference to JM and JK's abundance of it (JM knowing JK hadn't slept on the flight back prior to their trip, JM singing 3D).

I have so much more to say, but I'm going to stop right here, leave some more to talk about later.

[alittlebitofloveliness]

you should absolutely write the genderbent outsiders fic, it would be so interesting to see how many things get changed. often people genderbend one person and just turn them into someone everyone's attracted to rather than looking at character, or they do change everyone but it's still all surface level changes but from what i've seen you seem like you'd do something really interesting with it

(no pressure obviously but it's a really cool idea especially with the attitudes of the outsiders (how would the scene where they meet cherry and marcia play out for example?))

HI! Ok so I do love this idea but I dont have time to wrote a full fic with the nuance it deserves but I did write out two little scenes for it so I'll post them here! One is lifted almost directly from the book its just the genderben take on it :)

“Speaking of movies,” Dalia flicked away her cigarette butt, “I’m thinking of walkin’ over to the nightly double tomorrow night. Might find someone to fool around with. Anyone wanna come?”

Stella shook her head. “The boys are takin’ me and Soda to the game.”

She didn’t need to look at me the way she did then. I wasn’t gonna try and stick around or nothing. I liked Soda’s boy, James, well enough and sometimes they’d offer me and Dar to go with them when they went to do stuff, but I wasn’t gonna try and third wheel. I’d never admit it, because Soda really likes Stella a lot, but sometimes I hate her. She doesn’t need to be half so possessive as she is over everything all the time- and Soda is my sister.

Darlene sighed, just like I knew she would. Darlene never had time to do anything with us anymore. “I have a date tomorrow night.”

She sounded less than enthused at the prospect, and Soda and I shared a look. Ever since mom and dad died, Darlene had spent nearly every night she wasn’t working going on various dates, with each guy seemingly worse than the last- and much as she tried to hide it, it wasn’t hard for Soda and me to guess why. It kind of killed me that my once vivacious sister, who’d always been so fiercely independent, was throwing herself at every mediocre guy who looked her way trying to find someone to provide for her, for us. On her own, Darlene would never consider marriage, at twenty no less, but now she had Soda to support for another year and me for another four and we all knew her two jobs were barely covering bills already. Sometimes the guilt of it, what Dar had already given up and what she was further prepared to lose made me so guilty and sad I couldn’t stand it. I knew Soda felt the same way.

Dalia just rolled her eyes. She only went on dates when it suited her, and only to cause trouble. She didn’t get Dar’s obsession with finding a good man- or if she did, she clearly didn’t respect it. 

“What about the rest of y’all? Two-bit? Jennygirl? You an’ Pony wanna come?”

“Me’n Jenny’ll come,” I knew Jenny wouldn’t open her mouth unless she was forced to, “Okay Dar?”

***************

“You make sure she gets her ass straight home, Soda,” Darlene says, “I mean it.”

I roll my eyes and she fixes me with an icy glare.

“Don’t get huffy with me, Ponygirl. You’re lucky you ain’t grounded. You know better than to be goin’ to the movie house alone.”

“But-”

“No buts,” she fixes me with a stern glare. If it weren't for how cold her eyes are she could be real pretty with her tumble of smoky curls and delicate nose. Now though, she just looks mean, like Tamina Shepard or one of the other girls who date the gang leaders round town, “you ain’t a boy Pony, you gotta quit goin’ around actin’ like one.”

[twistedteddy]

Bodybuilder Toji × y/n

Warnings: Toji getting a little touchy with y/n at the end otherwise it's basically fluff

✧*̥˚please repost*̥˚✧

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

Toji spent a lot of time in the gym. It made it so you couldn't easily spend time with him unless you went with. So that's exactly what you did. Throwing on some black legging like shorts and a t-shirt you hoped yourself up to follow him.

You'd signed up a week or so before but had been nervous to go when he was there. Yesterday you'd testes some stuff and talked to a few regulars so you felt much more prepared to see him today.

Throwing a hoodie on before leaving the house and ultimately deciding to keep the hood up as you entered through the glass doors. Heading straight to the stretching area. Heart pounding as you scanned for him in the large space.

Heart pumping watching him do four hundred pound squats in the back-muscles bulging but barely breaking a sweat. Gulping down the nervousness you began stretching. Touching your toes and counting to twenty as you trues not to listen to the world around you. Not the thumping of the machinery or sound of toji clearly adding more weight to his set.

Stretches flew by in a brease and soon you were to the simpler stuff. Lateral raises. Bench press, squats. About an hour had passed and honestly you'd forgotten Toji was even there. That was until you were backing up to head to the water fountain and backed eight into Toji's freshly pumped chest.

Suddenly all that fire you'd pushed down was back.

"JUst weren't going to tell me you were here, huh?" He said monotony as he leaned over you, pressing his weight onto your shoulders and letting his head sit on top of yours. "I thought I recognized that ass."

You huffed a small laugh as you felt his twitching muscles against you. Arms wrapping around your waist as you tried to push him away. "Tojiii- cmon I just gotta do a few more squats" you whined as you wiggled in his grasp.

"I'll help you with your form then." He said with that same stupid smirk he gives when he knows he's gonna get his way. "No way! I've changed my mine I'm tired let's just go home.." He huffs out a laugh as he shoves you towards the squat rack.

"Nope you're finishing what you started"

"But-"

"Nope."

Sighing as he stood behind you, your hands on the bar waiting for some type of instruction. Instead he roughly kicked your feet further apart and shoved your hands a little wider until he approved. Continuing to press his whole body to your back, so close the feeling of his breathing spread over your neck.

A bit of panic took over know how he gets after his sessions but the gym was empty other then the last at the front desk. Though she was not only on her phone but had earbuds in. "Stay quiet won't you?" He said lowly as he put a hand on your hip and the other on the bar. You figured the faster you finished the faster he'd let go and you'd both get to go home so without warning you started your workout..which lead to a certain someone to be Practically grinding on you by the time you were done.

Tears welled up in your eyes as your thighs shook and you looked back at the man causing this whole stupid situation. That same stupid smile looked back at you. Relentlessly staring for what felt like eternity before he let go and backed away making your entire back feel cold from the loss of his heat.

"That's really all your finishing with?" He spat as he crowed his arms and tilted back to look down at you.

"That's it I'm going home." You snapped at him sweat dripping down your face and neck as you turned and returned the gesture.

"I didn't say you coul-"

"No. Home."

"Cmon baby won't you keep goin f'me?"

"... dont use that against me-"

0:02───|────── 0:00

Disclaimer: I do not own Toji or anyone else in the Jujutsu Kaisen show.

[aching-tummies]

Groan Tube Tummy

Anyone remember those "Groan Tube" toys from the early 2000s?

I woke up to an uncomfortable tummy.

Dinner wasn't very filling last night so I filled up on tea 'cuz I was too lazy to bother to cook up something else for myself. I was also trying out a new blend of tea and it tasted pretty good. Chinese-style tea with just leaves in hot water.

Maybe it's stress because I spent all day yesterday fretting over some documentation stuff I had to submit the next day. I tried submitting it just after midnight and the thing wouldn't let me. I'd been stressing and going over the stuff for well over 8 hours at that point just to make sure I didn't fudge anything. I looked up whether or not other people had the same experience with the thing not submitting and saw quite a few posts online in regards to this specific thing where people said, "Nah--wait 6 hours" followed by others that claimed they waited 8 or 8.5 hours before the site finally took their submissions. So I decided to sleep on it and set an alarm for 6 hours later and every hour after that to remind me to try to submit the things.

6AM, alarm goes off. I sit up to turn the alarm off…and my stomach lets out a strange noise. Hard to describe, but if anyone remembers those toys from the early 2000s called "Groan Tube Noise Makers"? You can look 'em up under that name. I just did. Yeah, my guts let out short bursts of this kind of noise.

It's been almost an hour since I woke up and my stomach has not stopped making these noises. I have my stethoscope tucked just under my navel as I type all of this out and it sounds like someone tipping a Groan Tube every other minute.

The interesting thing is that these noises are actually really uncomfortable. My intestines feel like they're distended and whenever the 'Groan' of a gurgle passes through it's like being pinched in that specific segment of intestine.

The 'Groan' noises are erupting absolutely everywhere in my intestines. Upperleft, lower right, criss-crossing the middle and particularly loud and deep just below my navel.

What I wouldn't give to be sitting in a partner's lap--me stressing over getting these documents submitted, both hands frantically typing away on my laptop…and their hands languidly squeezing and prodding my guts--messing with my belly and getting all of these groans and glorps out of my system. Like...it's not quite painful...but it's really, really uncomfortable and is definitely a sensation I'd classify as a 'tummy ache'.

Honestly, I wonder about the new tea leaves I used last night. The reaction from my tummy this morning really feels like something didn't agree with my intestines. The way my intestines feel bloated up and are grumbling honestly sounds exactly like how all the asks describing sugar-free bloats to be. So I can't help but wonder if maybe those tea leaves had some sugar-free substance on them or something. I mean, they shouldn't. To my knowledge, they really were just tea leaves that had maybe been roasted and dried before being packaged in a vacuum-sealed bag.

Just tried Googling if green tea can cause upset stomachs or stomach aches. I've never had this problem before and I've had plenty of different kinds of green tea before this. Apparently, it's something called 'tannins' and something about proteins binding in the intestines?

So…either I never fill up on green tea ever again in lieu of a filling dinner…or I gotta do this again…for science--to truly confirm whether or not I have 5lbs of literal fetish-fuel in the form of tea leaves. As always, gimme your best responses. Do your worst! My intestines already feel icky and uncomfy--what could you possibly add?

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

[jmdbjk]

I am going to be honest here.

There has been a lot of ... conflict ... on the blogs these last few days.

Like most, when I saw the notif for the live, I turned it on and saw Tae.. at JK's... and dread filled me. Then Hobi was visible and that dread dissipated instantly. I watched the chaos and then it was over in a blink. But the dread came back because I know what happens: the scum crawls out of their corners to start their idiocy. That's the foundation of this dread that creeps in. I'm mostly a positive person but I react with my whole self when I detect the stench of that sort of rot.

I am calling myself out for allowing a toxic segment of the fandom to influence how I feel toward interactions between certain members. It is not the behavior of the members of BTS that is influencing this negativity in me, it is the actions of people who aggressively bully others in order to diminish the bonds between members that does it ... I am aware that it is a weakness of mine. I am far from perfect and I need to work harder at combating that.

In like two minutes, JK came back and adorably (ADORABLY I SAY) folded his underwear and toe socks in front of us for another 12 minutes and then was gone. He had to pack for a trip, get a little rest and be up and running to the airport.

Still, after sleeping on it, I woke up irritated... ticked off... at Tae.

Not for the reasons that I see everyone blowing up over... I was ticked off because of Tae's irresponsibility... because was Hobi really ready to show us his haircut? Hobi, who knows what it all means to us? Hobi who had to say "this is what we all have to do." Hobi who had to come on IG and give us some pics of it after the fact?

I consoled myself with the thought that maybe he was ok with it and told Tae to go ahead ... maybe he thought this would be a good way to break it to us... who knows.

And I calmed down and am fine with it all after I saw the translations. Hobi is a grown man. He can handle it.

I was also concerned that, what if there were things laying around that were visible that maybe Jungkook didn't want us to see? LIKE HIS UNDERWEAR HAHAHAHA! Seriously though, I don't know what, just stuff that would cause him to have to explain... YOU KNOW HOW WE ARE! WE PICK APART EVERYTHING!

Right away there he was the doing the laundry... HIS UNDERWEAR HAHAHAHA! In his 12-minute follow-up live, he eventually said "why am I showing you this side of me? Maybe this isn't something you need to see..."

Anyway.

I am glad Tae and Hobi spent some time with Jungkook. It is still so refreshing to see them being candid and spontaneous and I love knowing they see each other. WE NEVER KNOW ANYTHING UNLESS THEY SHOW US/TELL US!

Tae looking up at Hobi so lovingly and hugging him gave me a sharp pang in my chest. Tae literally going "oops, gotta go, car is here" and poof, turns off the live, is such a normal slice-of-life moment.

JK just going about his business in his own space while his hyungs were there was also just a rare precious moment we NEVER get to see and I am thankful for it!

As for the things I've seen people saying...

If you want to bash me for not taking up sides, go ahead.

If you want to criticize me for not agreeing with your point of view, go ahead.

If you think I am being blind to a situation that YOU believe is happening, go ahead. I don't care.

Hating on one member is not going to diminish the hate another member receives because the hate is embedded in those bad actors BECAUSE THEY ARE LUNATICS WHO BELIEVE IN A FALLACY and adding more hate does not cancel it out. Think about that.

Army fandom is very segmented right now. It is understandable. We all have our faves and we individually move to the beat of that drum.

But do not frame EVERYTHING that happens between specific members to be about the relationship of said members. That is tunnel vision and not realistic whatsoever.

Jimin and Jungkook are the two that I pay closest attention to so I cannot speak on what makes Tae do the things he does. What we see is just a fraction of what goes on. What we see (or do not see) on social media does not prove anything.

I love BTS as a group and I love each individual member. They each have their own personalities and they all love and support each other.

Bottomline: I am on Team Bangtan, what team are you on?

We don't know everything.

[yurki-posts]

Just some midnight vent art. Some context down below because I need this out of my chest.

Big warning tho, it's a lot of text and if you're going through some hard stuff, I highly recommend not to read it. There's nothing motivating there, just venting

In 2021 I got hospitalized for Anemia. Anemia is caused by a lack of iron in the body, and because of my very strong food selectivity, I dislike a lot of food, including almost all fruits and no vegetables (except potatoes). This is a part of my autism, but I didn't knew that at the moment.

Because of this, I slowly lost all my iron. A normal person would feel very dizzy and probably faint over any kind of physical activity and even have a heart attack if pushed too far (and also if their anemic state is very bad), but I was asymptomatic, which means I didn't had any symptoms of it, which made it impossible for my parents and doctors to tell something was wrong with me. This is why my Anemia wasn't noticed for 4 months, and yes it was bad back then.

On January, me and my family went to a far away place to watch some waterfalls. We had to walk a lot, and I mean A LOT. I remember feeling really tired and that the air was heavy, but I couldn't do anything really. Doctors said my heart should not have resisted the physical effort and I should've got a heart attack, but for some reason I didn't, and I just kept going.

Then, we skip all the way to 4 days before I got hospitalized, on March.

I was in gym class. We were doing some running from cone 1 to cone 2 and so on. We could take a break for a couple seconds after getting to cone 2 and then we should get back to cone 1. Gotta say, we also had other activities before that one, but I only remember this one honestly, but have that in mind because I was already tired from before.

It was my and other 4 childrens' turn to run to the cones. I, ofc, was the last one to get there, and I while running my stomach was hurting really bad because of my breathing. My sweat was cold and my lungs could not hold for much longer (or at least that's how it felt). I finally got to the cone. I usually would not lay down because I was embarrased to do it in front of my classmates, but I was so tired I didn't cared about that and just layed on the grass.

I close my eyes. I breath. I feel the warm sun hitting me and the noise surrounding me disappeared. All I could hear were the birds. I opened my eyes and saw them in the sky. I felt very calm, for once. It felt like I spent a lot of time just looking at the sky, but it really were just some seconds.

After I got hospitalized and I was saved (all while I was concious and awake), the doctor, red haired woman, came to me amd my mom, and told me with a straight face:

"I don't know how are you here. You did gymnastics on Thursday, your heart should had not be able to handle it"

I remembered that moment in gym class again. That would had been the perfect moment for me to die. Why I didn't die? Why my body refused to die? How? How it managed to survive without ANY iron for 4 months straight without even a symptom until the very end?

Funny, butt this reminds me of that line Mike says on Fnaf Sister Location:

"I should be dead, but i'm not"

I should be dead too, and now I have been trying to....end, what the anemia started. It's really hard rn, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

All I want is wake up in that place. The olace i've drew myself in before. Where the birds fly without a care. I want to be like those birds, but life isn't fair ig.

oh and about the drawings, if something shows up in the drawings that I didn't mentioned here it's probably because my emotions were drawing at that moment, like, idk how to explain it but I just draw it without too much thought?, it feels so weird

[tafferling]

The state of this Taff

It's a struggle, ya'all.

Just before my birthday at the end of November, I learned that my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Not a big surprise, that, considering I grew up in a household where the kitchen had a literal smoke cloud hanging in it 24/7, but. Still. Supposedly, she says, it's one of those that'll get knocked over by chemo looking at it funny, but there's another problem that's a lot more dire and immediately life-threatening: the cancer metastasized in her brain.

I spent the next few weeks scrambling to buy a car and get my dog vaccinated for rabies. See, I live in Sweden, and she lives in Austria. And I've got no one to look after my dog, meaning he's got to come with me. Therefore, car. Fast forward to the 22nd of December, and I finally start driving down.

Of course, I am going to see my mom! Yeah, she still tells me I gotta go get me a man cause I'm 40 and need to get me that husband to set me right and I am not ace, just broken and need to see myself fixed so a man'll have me yadda yadda (and the racism, let's not forget about the racism and the casual homophobia), but she's my mom, ya know?

She's had her brain surgery at that point already and was recently discharged. Everyone tells me she's doing great. She tells me she's doing great. It's just sweet that I'm coming down and so on and so forth.

Neat, right?

I even call her 10 minutes before I arrive, while taking a quick break to walk the dog near my aunt's and dad's grave. Ask her if she's got dinner for me, cause I haven't had any proper food for two days or if I should grab something on the way. She says she's got it all. Sweet.

ahahaha... WELL, I arrive there, and I find out that, no. She's not doing alright. Turns out everyone failed to mention to me that she has what basically amounts to short-term memory dementia, or whatever you like to call it. I arrive, and I find out that not only is the house barely liveable, but she's got no food (it's the 23rd, 5pm, and shops close at 6pm until the 27th), and she has no idea where anything is in the house or what she's done five minutes ago.

I dump all my shit (plus the dog) in the house and dive into the "last hour before shops close" fun (JFC, where did all those people come from) so we have stuff to eat. When I get home, it all settles in: Not only do I have a full-time job that I'll have to do while I am here (naturally), but (for the foreseeable future) I am also my mom's full-time caretaker from here on out.

She's forgotten her phone PIN since then (getting a new SIM card sent here next week). She was taking her meds wrong and missed two crucial ones. She has a radiology appointment next Tuesday and kept telling me she is being picked up by an ambulance, only for me to call her oncologist and find out that's not true, I've got to drive her (which isn't an issue, but if I hadn't called the guy to figure out her med sdsafkjasdfsa). So on. And so forth, with other highlights including her not knowing how to pay her bills, me getting screamed at cause of that, then her friend screaming at me, her fucking neighbour bringing her cigarettes and smoking in the kitchen with her (THE WOMAN HAS LUNG CANCER) and ---- :sounds of distant Taff wailing at the void:

I also got screamed at by total strangers three goddamn times already, and it's really bringing home why I left this country. Not saying everyone's an ass, but when you got grown men shouting at you for trivial shit like "waiting with your shopping cart to let a car out", "taking longer to put away your groceries cause you're fucking exhausted and can barely see straight anymore", and "going the wrong way in a shopping parking lot (NOT during rush hour, mind you, that was later on in the morning when the place was nearly empty) cause you missed the arrow and haven't been here in nearly 15 years" you just kinda-- *deflates*. Please. Stop shouting at me.

I wanna kick some rocks and mope.

Anyway. Yeah. It's rough, ya'all. And I don't usually like doing this, but this time, maybe I should: If you've ever liked any of my writing and you haven't, like, I dunno dropped a kudos or something, I'd appreciate any sort of encouragement or positivity in my life right now. Any little pick-me-up will do. 'cause I need to admit I am out of my depth, I am overwhelmed, and I have no idea what to do.

[hazzybat]

hi!! Omg I love your fic and the last chapter was so good, all of these dynamics between the characters are so interesting! I also love when you give us extra lil snippets or ficlets here, and I was wondering if you could satisfy my curiosity about something (if you feel like it and it won't cause spoilers? )

I'd love to read a little scene of what went down between the others when Bojan and Jan were fucking during practice haha. Like how/when did they realise they weren't gonna be joining them anytime soon and why, could they hear them, is this normal behaviour or were they like wtf. I'm especially interested in how Nace and Kris felt, I'd love to hear Kris' POV of him realising and hearing that his not-boyfriend was indeed getting fed by someone else and how Kris felt about that.

Way shorter and not an actual scene but id also love to know what Jure whispered in Naces ear to make him even hornier watching bojan and Jan make out haha!

No pressure at all but if you did want to write something short I'd love to read it :)))

Aww thank you so much! I'm very glad you liked it!

I do really like that idea and probably will write something for how the others felt while the fucking was happening. Probably won't be a full chapter or anything and I'll post it here maybe. Might write it after I've written a few more chapters of the fic just so I don't spoil feelings and stuff. (I dunno if there would be spoilers but I wanna be safe)

I can do the other idea though! Have a little ficlet of Nace's POV during the Bo(Jan) dance floor flashback. Very quick thing.

"You wanna play with Joker Out you gotta party with Joker out" Jure slurred in Nace's ear, half kissing at the shell of it. The bassist had wondered how much of the rock and roll lifestyle the band would indulge in when he joined and it seemed he was getting his answer at their celebratory party to honour his first gig with them.

There was much less drugs and girls and much more bad karaoke and getting closer to each other than Nace realised. He knew what Bojan was and had been ready for him to be a flirt and a tease. It seemed the other three were just as bad though.

Jure had spent much of the night running his fingers down Nace's spine, sending shivers over his body as Kris giggled and told him about the last time Bojan had gone down on him.

Nace blushed hard as Kris keep repeating variations on "Dude you have to let him feed on you at least once. It's so worth it," Jure mumbling in agreement of how hot it was the few times they'd let him watch as payment for using his bed at the studio.

He breathed a sigh of relief as Kris got up to buy them all another round. The relief was short lived however as he looked to the dance floor. There were bodies everywhere but there were only two he cared about. Jan had pulled Bojan close, his hands in the demon's back pockets and lips hungrily devouring his.

Bojan moved his hips against Jan's, practically dry humping him as his hands grabbed at Jan's hair and neck. The lights danced over them as the music pounded, making them look almost ethereal.

Nace felt his cock harden even more, already worked up from Kris’s stories and Jure's lewd comments. He tried to stifle his moan behind the glass he brought to his lips. Jan looked hot, his lips easy and relaxed as they worked against Bojan's, his mesh shirt showing off his body wonderfully and his hair falling in his face. He wanted to be in Bojan's place, have Jan's hands against his ass and his body pressed close as they showed off for everyone watching. They broke the kiss and Nace's eyes met Bojan's, dark with lust and alcohol. The demon grinned at him, Jan's mouth on his jaw. Nace then glanced to meet Jan's gaze. The werewolf looked at him through his eyelashes and really that wasn't fair with how seductive he looked.

"He has a big cock I bet, maybe he'll show it to you," Jure hissed in his ear, grinning as Nace turned an even darker shade of red. The image of Jan fucking him right here and now appeared in his mind and he bit his tongue hard. The image of Jan sitting casually in the booth while Nace rode his dick, lost in ecstacy, everyone watching them and enjoying the show, sent a wave of need over him.

He couldn't be here anymore, excusing himself quickly and taking in lungfuls of fresh air outside as his head swam. He was never going to get that image out if his head. Those beautiful eyes looking at him after he made out with Bojan, practically begging him to come take the demon's place. Or maybe that's just what Nace hoped they said. This wasn't some cute little crush anymore, this was a heavy need for the werewolf to be his. Nace would have to learn to enjoy the ride if he was going to survive being in the band.

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (05/11/23)

I forgot to say on last week's post but having caught up with yozakura now I have finally achieved my goal of reading everything on WSJ* which is very fun. with that out the way I can finally start catching up on some other stuff I've been behind on too and then finally start new stuff but still gonna be a while for that

blue - finale/completed

Anime

Frieren Ep9

very pogged up ep, I already knew it was gonna have sakuga cause I saw mappa posting the keyframes for some scenes on twitter but actually seeing it in action is a whole different thing

Undead Unluck Ep5

good ep as usual, despite being basically all exposition it was still fun finally hearing how everyone in the union sounds and is characterized, and also getting to see some early foreshadowing that makes a lot more sense nowadays 👀 also the shaft style with all the fast cuts and their signature angles is really fitting for episodes like this so that helps too which I do gotta say, despite being a sakuga slut (and the previous episode being crazy) my favourite thing about the anime so far has been that shaft style, since I didn't know beforehand about the involvment of their staff, it gives it a really different feel from the manga but it's still very good in it's own, shafty, way

Imas Million Live Ep5

good episode like usual, I thought this ep would be all preparation and the event itself would be the next one but it was half and half, which is good, not really wasting too much time. we also got to see tsumugi and kaori so that was fun too. next episode looks like there's gonna be some drama with poor shizuka so good luck to her

Manga

The Ichinose Family's Deadly Sins Ch478 (Finale)

that's all I should say about it. it really doesn't deserve anything else, but I won't be like that. I already knew the author's previous work takopii was needlessly edgy too but since I hadn't read it I didn't let that sway me and started this anyway. I can tell you that I'll never read anything by taizan, be it in WSJ or not. ofc it's not actually a 1, it's more like a 3, but I hated it so much I couldn't give it anything higher than that. from start to finish it was bad. none of the characters were likeable, the plot was confusing and hard to follow with it constantly switching between the "dream" and reality, every family member's plotline wasn't interesting and just an excuse to have more edgy things happen and at the end of the day it ends with "well despite everything that happened nothing changed and we're all still the same" so it was just a complete waste of time. it's sad we live in a world where something like this can get almost 50 chaps but series that are brimming with potential get cut short, and even in that short time are better than this could ever be. "oh if you hated it so much why didn't you drop it then?" simply put, I didn't ever think it'd last too long, and by the point where it had been going for a while I was like "well might as well see where this trainwreck ends up at" like I did for agk anyway. good riddance and see you never again taizan

Kindergarten Wars Ch52

when they said earlier in the chapter the brothers had died I believed it cause I expected it to happened at the end of the last chap they showed up in so seeing this at the end was a pleasant surprise

Show-ha Shoten Ch23

great chap, not only was their performance great, they also spent a buncha time in the last few chaps talking about how the group that goes first is doomed and can recieve and high score just for it to turn around like this. I figured they wouldn't just get dropped right away since they've actually gotten screentime before unlike a buncha the pairs that showed up just for this arc but still nice to it actually happen

Blue Box Ch124

good ol classic sports festival but with a bit of drama throw in to shake things up I figured this was gonna happen eventually but not in the very same chap they set up the seeds for it, poor taiki and chinatsu tho I'm fairly sure taiki will say yes but not who but we'll see next ch

Martial Master Asumi Ch20

mma's been struggling with ratings recently but this chap was GREAT, I hope it's enough to bump it up a bit, it's very cool to see this side of nito and him going off like this

[pwblogarchive]

April 2005

April 5, 2005

i've got a flame gun for all the cute ones

so let's start this one out with how great spring is. seriously. we're in love. jay-z called my phone the other day. for real this is how the conversation went:

jayz: yo pete

me: hello

j: this is j

me: jay who

j: jay-z

me: yeah right

j: no. it is. we're gonna let em know right

me: are you fucking serious

j: we're gonna let the world know about fall out boy

me: yeah. we can do whateveer you want

j: aight . ill see you at one of your new york shows

me: are you serious, this is jay-z

j: ::click::

me: man you are so fucking awesome

j: dialtone

total fan moment.

i guess cause he is the president of defjam and we're on island/defjam that's how come he called. uh WTF?

new things on the horizon:

tentatively titled: the boy with the thorn in his side in "i am the dream, you are the dreamer" - me and travis from gym class and a couple of others began working on this. it will be a slightly different format - about 150-200 pages illustration every 5 pages. similiarly styled but trust me the other was simply an introduction. this won't be out till winter probably.

before that: two pack ultra limited "boy with the thorn" and "rattail" broken heart two pack toy. possibly at the end of summer.

and also, tentatively titled: "rainy day kids" - about 130 pages no illustrations. this book comprises writing from the last 5 years - on the directors cut it was mistakingly called "young hearts be free" - these read alot closer to my journal entries. this should be out by fall...

lots of more stuff coming soon: clandestine.buzznet.com... get over to your local hot topic and pick up some gear - so then maybe they'll grab some of this new stuff to sell too!

the tour has been amazing. we are shooting a new video in the next week or so.

patrick: sing-y/stinky

joe: coughy/nakedy

andy: vegany/music-y

pete: sleepy/no-sleepy

korean dan suh: drunky/more drunky

merch jim: angry/too much merchy

dirty: dirty/dirty

truefuckinglove

peter

p.s. thanks for showing me all of those new bands. i liked a bunch of them. if you guys know any bands that kind of sound like hellogoodbye (smaller unsigned ones only cause the bigger ones i have heard)--- lemme know. cause that band rules.

April 5, 2005

dear trophy boys and secrets girls-

welcome to the next phase of our life. we hope we can look at the world in a new way. we're really excited for may 3 and warped tour but until then come on out to the FBR friends and family tour. long live our car crash hearts.

peterabbit

April 13, 2005

hey girls. special post for you. i am looking for a womens blazer that would fit a dude about my size- black or striped or whatever. ill trade you something cool. collar shirts too. im down for whatever. bring it to the show, ill trade you up. love peter

btw- xs in dudes, probably m or l in girls.... aaaaaaannnnd dont feel like you gotta bring anything but your smile- woo.

- petey

April 13, 2005

Love. We got you. Tour has been amazing. Midtown just dropped off, silverstein picked it up. People will be missed, new friends will be made. We got you on the bussiness end of the barrel. Get into it or drop out, hit it or quit it. New record soon. We just shot a new video for "sugar we're going down", its kind of weird. Its definitely the most time and money we have ever spent on a video. We hope you love it. Lets just say there is a fireplace, a bear head, deers and upstate new york outdoors involved. Our friend matt lenski who shot all those cute little baby chick mtv commercials. "We should move somewherer deep in the middle of july" she said. You know how I get down (and out). They say he could have anyone but that just means no one. And I'm foggy like london but without all the class and dignity. More like northern florida in august. I'm getting off(line). Sweating it out in the dark. I am all breaths and heartbeats. Goddamn baby, it not me its you. Or whatever.

Today was a good day.

I didn't have to use my a.k.

Make me electric. Peter

April 14, 2005

the list:

ins/outs of 2005:

in:

snapping bras

panic at the disco

drama and gossip

waking up at 10am

makeup that makes you look like a girl

huge watches make your wrist hurt

lust

"headwalks"

phonecalls home

bunklife

brutal honesty

real life friend cuts

pretending to be girls on myspace and messing with dudes who are creepy

windy city heat

saying you knew fall out boy way back when

out:

wearing underwear

makeup that makes you look goth

going to sleep at 10am

huge belt buckles that make your waist hurt

love

"crowdsurfing"

phonecalls to ______ _____

hotellife

lying

livejournal friend cuts

being a creepy dude on myspace and sending girls messages

being friends with fall out boy now

April 19, 2005

“naked peek a boo what.”

brendanP!ATD: Dude my mouth and mostly my tongue is all leathery from eating too many gobstoppers.

BrendanP!ATD: its so shitty

PeteFOB: hahaha

PeteFOB: thats the price of sweetness

oh yeah. just to ruin your crush on me i went and dyed my hair black and purple. hehe. oh and yes i do have a sister.

i want a girl that doesnt have time to think things through

April 21, 2005

“namedrop it like it’s hot”

sorry cincinatti, we had an early buscall and patricks sick and im sick in the head. i let a ghost catch me.

sometimes its (not) okay to lose your mind.

peter

04/21/05 Q&A

question

pete. brendon urie or ryan ross?

answer

neither. im a spence kind of boy. definitely. cause then his name would be Spence Wentz

question

Pete, Do you ever have any “Wet Dreams”? If so of whom? hmmm…?

answer

once i fell asleep in the van between two dudes and had a crazy wet dream when i woke up they were both looking at me. but not like a “oh boy you rule” look more like a “what just happened” look but oh boy did it rule.

April 24, 2005

guys and stellasssss. this tour is amazing. we are lining up some fun things for may- including a mini-tour and maybe a couple of other suprises for you. i hate to have to bring the drama but.

1. i do not have a girlfriend

2. i do not have a boyfriend

3. lindsey lohan is just a friend

i found this amazing band you'll fall in love with soon.

xxoo peter

April 24, 2005

Okay the last entry was obviously a joke. Pretty much I am in love with being on tour but my private life will always be my private life. The people I date or don't date aren't really worth IMing me about. xxoo peeeeeete.

04/24/05

question

William Beckett vs. Peter Wentz for the title of FBR Sex Symbol… who wins and why?

answer

mike cardin because he just said “butcher tell your dyke ass mom to stop calling my phone”- and thats just insane. besides what me and bill do behind closed doors is our thing not fbrs.

April 26, 2005

Here we are under the radar across the border. I’m sorry I seem to have lost my mind.

Me: how bad did I look on tv?

You: you looked okay

You: would it be gay of my to tell you that the purple brought out you eyes?

Me: hahahaha

Safe.

Patricks birthday is tommorrow. I am in love with him so give him presents.

Still l i/o ving

Xxoo

04/27/05

question

my boyfriend is tall and asian and has a boycrush on pete. if you ever see him would you give him a smooch on the cheek?

answer

i already have one asian boy i’m dating and his name is korean tom cruise.

April 30, 2005

I'm sore throat singing through the curtain at you down the hall in the dark and you're asleep or just a good actor. In my head this is the way we'll always be. Me walking out dripping wet, trailing my finger nails against the picture frames on the walls. Slipping back into whatever and being careful shut the door so I don't wake anyone.

Washington d.c. Has got us under this amazing spell. We are on our way to bamboozle fest, see you in new jersey tommorrow. Ill be up at 9am looking for the sun. Stop by the clandestine booth all weekend, we'll be giving away clandestine slap bracelets (you know like the ones that everyone loved in the 80s).

[topaztimes]

Hey, I thought I'd give you an update again since you found my ask again xD

Anyway, finished my exams, did meh but my year was bad enough that I didn't really try.

Went to an awesome show and the first part was a fucking awesome band, and apparently I was so in it and visible that dicided to gift me a signed vinyl with a thank you written on it!!!!!

(there's more than just it on the pic but I thought it's be funny to have everything on my temporary shelve shown)

Also got a t-shirt, posters and the album of the band I went to see, and made an awesome friend on the way out with which I spent the entier night talking and walking around the city with.

Also got news of a friend coming back to my city for the pride so that's also awesome, they're so awesome and I kinda miss them so there's that.

And I'm 100% gonna take too much time doing shits I love this summer, I just gotta work on my mental health and get follow real steps to get better at them so I don't get demotivated 'n' all those problems. I might look back into writing but I need to do small things first before going for gigantic stories because I litterally cannot work my brain far enough in the future for something so big. Also need to train on drawing on paper or phone, not really interested in drawing with a mouse so no drawing on computer for now.

But mostly, I gotta find a way to keep in touch with my friends, I'm too much of an internet weirdo geek (really good thing) for me to share the same daily interest and activities as them so it's so much harder to keep in touch than with friends like you.

I need to learn to keep in touch with calls and messages.

My cat's outside in the rain by the way.

(Once again Tumblr does not give me notifications 💀 my resolution is to check my askbox instead of letting the app send me notifs 'cause it's awful at that)

THAT IS INSANE???? A gift for surviving your exams -- being noticed by an awesome band!!! Ngl I'm jealous -- I've got a concert after my exams also so I hope my group gets noticed gahaha

SAME????? I get an extra long summer holiday after my exams so I'm going to be doing creative stuff too!!! Do you want to do a thing where we just show each other what we've done? I think that might help us both actually do things lmfaoo

Messages... messages... my friends don't really text me all that much but I still take at least an hour to respond to some of them. Idk why! But I feel you with that lmao (Must be the responsibility... I love shirking responsibilities...)

Kitty! I just got mine back indoors.

[0daytrick0]

Week one update for work

It's been a week so far. The days are definitely going quicker. And it's been alot to take on.

As of Monday I have taken up a reliever role within the hospital within administration, surgical and theatre. I spent Monday and Tuesday getting a feel for the place. Understanding how the programs work and fullfilling my mandatory modules. Today I spent the whole day in administration completing patient paper work and organising apointments. Let me just say this... I know we all hate how much paperwork we have to fill out when we go into the hospital, but it's NOTHING compared to the amount of paperwork I have to fill out for each individual wanting to book an appointment. Don't get me started on the program we use! It's probably older than your grandma and is in a desperate need of updating and revamping. The program used to fill out for patients is literally straight out of a fallout game. The program is so ancient and tedious. So much time AND money could be saved if someone just paid someone to upgrade it. Cause GODDAMN MAN. I can't just click a box to fill it in, I gotta go through a whole procedure just to get there. And if I need to go back on a mistake. I CANT. Not untill I've filled the rest of the document out and reached the bottom. Then it will allow me to go back to what I missed. It's just so dumb and it's literally the only thing that's holding me back from learning.

Anywho! I could probably go on forever about it, but I will continue on. My life at the moment has been busy. My younger sibling graduated highschool and my family dog passed away i last week. An emotional week to say the least.

But in good news I have finally learnt how to use make-up. I used to HATE foundation, but with the help of a friend to colour match and watching an ASMR artist so her makeup, I have taught myself how to apply foundation, bronzer, blush and highlights. Now when I work at the hospital I can look the part.

I am currently obsessed with buying new stuff for work. I have this bag I really want to purchase but currently do not have the funds for it. It's called Julie Vintage Vegan Briefcase bag. It looks perfect and would suit my job so much!! At the moment the bag I have is just a cheap shein tote bag and it is terrible at holding all of my things. It was perfect for retail but terrible for the hospital. I also desire to purchase a phone case, pencil case, some notebooks and of course a cool lenyard for my hospital ID. NattyKat currently have some really cool lenyards. Redbubble currently has these really witchy phone covers, notebooks and pencil cases. I don't get paid for at least 2 and a bit weeks from now, so it will have to wait until then...

In other news I am officially a CQU student. I was accepted into central Queensland University as of last week and I couldn't be happier. I still have to enroll and pick my subjects but I should get an email next week helping me with all of that. I will once again be back on track to do a bachelor of psychological science and HOPEFULLY (with my job in the hospital) I will be able to get a position within mental health once my contracts ends next March. That's the goal at least!

Today I went grocery shopping after work and went way over budget. It's frustrating but I needed food for work. I can't just eat what's in the fridge or eat nothing at all with all the brain power I'm using. I will hopefully be getting a massive paycheck when I do get paid, so fingers crossed it's okay I splurged a little.

My 21sr birthday is coming up next weekend and I am planning on going camping and taking my 4wd out for the first time. It's been getting worked on since I bought it but fingers crossed it will be fixed enough by next weekend so I can actually take it out. I currently do not have a car and it's been frustrating to say the least. But soon, everything will hopefully fall into place since I now have an income on-top of my partner. As let me tell yah, living on one income whilst living in your own is just not doable for a long period of time. Trying to buy car parts in between all of that just barely making it to get food on the table. I can't believe we did it as long as we did. But you gotta do what you gotta do I guess.

As of right now it is 9.10pm and I am planning to get up at 5am tomorow morning to get ready for work at 7.00am. I got my period tonight so I will have no choice but to take a quick shower tomorow morning before getting dressed and doing my makeup and hair. My hair ATM is in DESPERATE need of a healing transformation. It's is so dead and untamed that doing it in the morning is a suicide mission for my arms and back. It's super curly and notty and messy. The humidity from the summer rain is not helping at the moment either. I might plan to straighten it on the weekend so I can make my life a little easier next week. A high ponytail with straight hair would do everyone a favour.

Anywho. I definitely need to go to bed now. Wish me luck on actually falling asleep when my mind is racing as fast as it is

[keefwho]

October 25 - 2023 Wednesday

8:12am

I think I'm worried I'm still nourishing an unbalanced dynamic with people. I always used to see myself as the inferior one with friends and I'd put other people on a pedestal. I fear I am still doing that, even though I'm trying hard not to. I try to see myself as equals with people but sometimes their language or admissions suggest I am like a pet to them or that they generally hold power in the dynamic. It might be a case of giving too much as well. Maybe giving even though I don't receive back can give someone the impression that they deserve that from me so it becomes the norm. Then I get treated unfairly despite no one's intention to do so. Maybe I neglect my own social needs too much. I wear a mask and appease others so I can try to ensure they actually like me. I end up sacrificing a lot because it feels like no one is right for me. No one ever sticks. I feel doomed to always be the one giving just so I'm not alone.

3:29pm

As usual this time of day I just feel lonely. I feel hopeless and it's affecting my desire to do literally anything. I don't wanna put in any work if I only have more bland life to look forward to. I'm not sure how to even pretend like there is a better future waiting for me. I really do want to see the positive outcomes of anything I might do. Ideally right now I'd be having fun drawing the things I gotta do but it's hard to do that when I'm anticipating sorrow and misery in the near future.

6:15pm

I'm done drawing and I didn't even have good results. Now I'm lonely, tired, and disappointed in myself. This happens a lot.

10:51pm

This morning I had left over beef rice a roni for breakfast. I was very tired also since I've been losing small amounts of sleep every night for about a week. It's taken it's toll. I got to stream late after napping on my desk. I really didn't want to stream, I felt terrible. I felt like today was going to be like every other. Working on commissions I don't want to do, internally berating myself for not being able to really connect or relate with 570 or the rare others that show up, hoping Daisy will join at some point, and dreading the cleaning/workout I have to do after. I did the commission and the episodes of Mia and He-Man were good. Inktober didn't turn out great.

Afterwards I only had enough time for 30 minutes of wood chopping and a good chunk of that was spend getting a sled and looking for other things. I didn't get much done. I didn't clean too much after either, just my toilet some. In the shower I wanted release. I had a hard time figuring out what to do, I spent way too long in the shower. I bothered Daisy about it and felt bad after because I know she's at work and has a lot of other stuff going on. It's frustrating that we handle this so differently. When I'm under stress, my go to is to nut generally. It helps take my mind off of things and express my emotions in some ways. She seems to stray far from it during difficult times which is fine, just a way that we don't connect. I just don't want it to cause conflict at any point which it shouldn't if we're both understanding about how each other feels.

I didn't have much time for lunch so I made Ramen, a granola bar, and a pear cup. I got to my afternoon work late as well. I also had a hard time getting myself to do it but I found a lofi stream (I usually hate lofi), ambient rain noise, and I hopped in a call while I did today's request and a couple meme drawings that didn't turn out as well as I wanted.

Afterwards I booted up Legendary Tales and decided to stream while I waited for Daisy to be free because at this point I was lonely and just wanted to talk to her. No one showed up which made me feel even lonelier. I also lost my current character and had to start over but I worked up almost to where I was before.

When Daisy was free she worked on her costume for the con while we watched She Ra which is a great show, I'm excited to watch it. We watched the first 3 episodes. While she went to bed I played Cities Skylines. She was holding Rosalina for awhile, her pet rat who is near her time with a massive tumor on her neck. I feel extreme sorrow at her inevitable loss. I feel awful that Daisy is having such a hard time lately. I feel bad that I'm struggling lately too. I just wish I could do more to make things better but that's not my job and it's something I literally can't do. I can't change all the terrible things happening, I can only offer my support.

Lately I've been focusing on making sure I'm not suppressing my feelings again. That means admitting some uncomfortable truths about how I feel about certain things. It means really letting my reactions be how they are. It's scary being unfiltered because I feel like I have problems that WILL scare people away, even though this is a necessary step for me to get past them. I feel horrible that to most people I think I used to be more fun and care free to be around but now I'm so emotional and withdrawn. I feel like I have no social value because I can't really fit into any chill get togethers and I can't seem to actually care about anyone besides Daisy usually. I'm scared because I can't figure out why. I can't figure out why I can't accept new people into my life as friends. I can't figure out why I get so obsessive about things. I feel ashamed at myself and will be crying in bed tonight. But in a way that feels good because usually I try to hold it in or pretend like I should feel okay. Well I'm not okay, I have a lot to cry about. I have extreme amounts of fear and sadness and I have to let them out.

[rain-in-the-clouds]

I don't normally vent on this blog, despite it being my main, mostly I just try and share what I love and whatnot. But like so many my age, older and younger, I have a love/obsession/hatred of tiktok.

It's a fun app that can be so nice and a great place to build community, have fun and be silly. But my fucking gods, that is not what its like 99.99999% of the time. And no I know I'm no one special in saying any of this. But I gotta vent, and at least here I can scream into the void knowing if anyone is gonna scream back it's gonna be about something completely different and probably about cats, food, boobs, or Fandom, and honestly that's what makes this the best site.

Anyways, I've struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life, depression as a side helping, and a medley of other things. About six months before the pandemic my anxiety skyrocketed, I started having massive panic attacks every day multiple times a day. At one point it felt like I was just existing through the day to eventually deal with a night filled with the feelings of death.

It was awful, I was barely living.

This is a tangent, but if anyone knows the song Overkill by Colin Hay, I used to sing that song a lot as a kid, like 6-7 years old singing that song, one day to gorw up living the life the song depicts. The lyrics that stick with me: "I can't get to sleep. I worry over situations I know will be alright. Day after day it reapers, night after night my heart beat shows the fear."

It was night after night after night, months went by like this. By middle of 2020 I was.... I wasn't ok. A way I had helped myself during that time, before I got some help and the meds I need, I would use tiktok. Now I'd use its worst attributes to my gain.

It's short form content and use of short attention spans was, especially in the moment, very helpful for subduing (most of the time it just delayed the panic attack) but my goal was never to outright stop the panic attacks, cus I had no way to do that, but to distract my brain long enough to get tired and pass out. It worked for a good while. It especially worked for stopping an attack right as it was starting.

Fast forward to now. Just like prior to the panic attacks I use tiktok to have fun, goof around and see cool stuff, (don't get me wrong I'm all about activism, and I use tiktok like any other for that too, but that's for when I'm in a good place mentally) but now, idk it's like I've let it corrupt me. The past year especially, I've gotten into more arguments in tiktok comments then I've gotten into arguments irl, doesn't matter if the argument was valid or not or even worth arguing over.

And I know it's the internet, nothing stays innocent forever, yes I know. But what I'm saying is tiktok in particular has somehow become more toxic then the majority or surface level internet. To me, it seems like it's trying to become the next 4chan more then the next tumblr. And I had hopes that it was heading in the direction of this hellsite, the Fandom elements there, book lovers, science, all of it: seriously seeing people ask ScienceTok, or BookTok, just makes me flashback to the days of "Science side of tumblr what does xyz mean?"

But no, instead we get the love child of vine and 4chan, it's half cousin-brother reddit somehow looks better next to tiktok.

It's dumb, it really is, cus yes the simple answer is, get off tiktok. But it's not simple, my livelihood relies on social media, for many reasons, like many people. The answer I've been going with is limiting myself on time spent, and I've been successful, I go a week or two without even opening the app, then hop on to check in, post and get a good laugh. But somehow, even if it's just one day, it has the power, (that I give it by gods) to suck me in and make me mad at something, even if it is something to be mad about, doesn't mean it's something I have to let get so under my skin it causes this to happen, (the this being moving to my og site and venting my woes)

It's just such a disappointment. At least I'll always have tumblr.

[cthulhubert]

Factorio posting is easy. It may or may not make my top tier list for games, but it's easily one of my top five favorite drugs.

First time playing, I did the tutorial and have started the main game, somehow I'm already 100 hours in. That doesn't include the hours I've spent doodling plans but it does include the hours I've spent with it paused pacing back and forth.

Still gotta laugh when I open the map, since I remember starting out, just getting up to military science, I never imagined I'd run my main assembly lines into my power plants, up by the lake. (I now know, of course, that my power plants should've been near the coal, it's way easier to move water). I thought it was silly how far I could zoom out. When my iron started petering out, the rail run to another iron mine felt massive. Now...

Excellent design in this game, they gave me construction robots right when I started to feel the strain of manually deconstructing and rebuilding. You can probably tell I wanted even logistic coverage. When I first started rebuilding, the base was almost square, but then I've had to expand a couple times.

It's hilarious how quickly that lake turned that lovely putrid green as soon as production started ramping up.

I wanted to keep the crashed ship 'cause it amused me. I was gonna build the silo right in front of it: "Space ships go up, not into the ground, see?" But LDS production really needed too much space.

I just got artillery and started a machine on producing shells:

And realized my science was drying up. Apparently my first oil field is tapped out, so plastic stopped (so advanced circuits stopped so processing units stopped so utility science, you know). Was just thinking about expanding my outlying mines and experimenting with a rail circuit between them all, so I guess I'm also going to be adding a new refinery.

Also thinking about an outer circle of rail with artillery wagons, keep the biters pushed back.

Still not satisfied with well, almost anything. I'm sure there are better ways to do it; completely separate from having an intuition of how much space a given production line needs.

Maybe once I've sent that first rocket up, I'll go look up what the "meta" is.

I feel like it fits the spirit of the game to set up for mass production of rockets though, produce space science at the same rate I'm making the rest of it. For that I'll really need those extra mines, since that's like 22 LDS and 11 processing units being assembled at any given time.

I also need nuclear power going before that, I'm already throttling on watts sometimes. I should've a while ago but other redesigns kept getting in the way. Hopefully the next time I start a new game (probably when the Space Age expansion comes out) I'll be ready to get it online on time.

I'd kind of hoped to do all the rail and mine expansion while cruising around in a giant spider, but I need that plastic to do that.

Once I'm reliably getting more material and power, I'll build out the rocket part stuff to the west and north-west, win the game, then expand my factory to cover the globe.

... I have been playing so much Factorio that my queue is now empty.