#and then i have to wake up at 4am tomorrow for clinicals

[lesbisoka]

no time to think about the mandalorian only acid-base balance

[lesbianlenas]

i texted my friend at like 9pm abt the show i spent 4 hrs watching last night and i was like oh she has to wake up tomorrow at like 5am for her clinical so she’s sleeping already and i was like now i’m going to prob finish this before she wakes up bc there is 5ish hrs left (i have around 2 hrs left now lol) & i’m like this show is truly riveting to me so i might in fact finish it tonight 😭 so i am going to end up sending her like 20 texts between my initial telling her abt the show i was watching & then my thoughts when i finish it to and she will wake up at 5am and see i sent her these texts at 4am and she’s not even going to be surprised actually bc this is what she expects from me lol 😩

[black-infertility-life]

The Wait (part 1)

Hello my beautiful people. Here's what happened.

8/15- a bit more cramping today vs. Transfer day. Decided NOT to take Tylenol today. Tried to relax my way through the pain. Made a post in one of my groups and most of the people were supportive. PIO shot has been horrible.

8/16 - woke up at around 2/3am nausea all morning with some cramping finally left a message with clinic . Talked with our coordinator. She said it can happen sometimes and that it could also be the medicine so try and eat a little something and drinks lots of fluids. Ate some saltines while I waited to get a 2nd call back about the medicine. They helped. Got confirmation that I could take the medicine, so I took 10ml (recommend dosage 15-30ml). This whole coach potato thing is not for me.. Not at all.

PIO shot has been horrible.

8/17- woke up about 230am with nausea. Tried to eat a saltine and started gagging. Took some medicine 10ml. This has sorta worked 😑 Ended up trying to eat tiny pieces of bread (no crust as sometimes I like crust and sometimes I don't) it worked for about 20mins and now the nausea is coming back. 😑 Eventually it subsided and I was able to go back to sleep. I did wake up slightly nauseous but it went away. I started back at work today and on the way there and back I got nauseous in the car which had never happened before (unless I'm already sick). I tried eating fries on the way home but it didn't help. I tried to take more medicine when I got home​, but it just made me gag more. PIO shot wasn't too bad. My butt is starting to hurt and my stomach is definitely getting marks.

8/18- woke up at about 340/4am to pee. Have been slightly nauseous but not as bad as it's been. I was supposed to work today for a makeup but I called it off. Even though we need the money, I just can't right now.

8/19- woke up around 240 as I need to use the bathroom. Started feeling nauseated with some stomach acid issues around 320. I tried to tough it out and eventually ate some bread which eventually helped and I was able to fall back sleep.

.... Ugh todays been a mess. I've been gagging and nauseous off and on all day. We went out to eat and that was good but hard as all the smells made me more nauseous. After hubby gave me the PIO shot there was a bit a blood and I got really dizzy.

+++++ first full day back at work

I got nauseous on the way to and from the first part of work. I got some Sonic as we hadn't had it in a while and I was craving it. The 2nd part on the way there and home I was fine. I forgot to bring my Pro Cap with me as I forgot that I needed to stay an extra 30mins. So I took it 30mins late.

Went on a short walk with the puppers and hubby and always nauseous and gagging the whole time.

8/20- been awake for a while and started to get nauseous after being awake for about 30 minutes.

+++ got nauseous on the car ride to and from work and have continued being nauseous while at work. The PIO didn't really hurt as much but the Love stung.

+++ I had a BM before bed so maybe that will help things as I hadn't had one in a few days. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

This stage is multifold. Theres the multiple different meds from oral, to vaginal, to shots. You have to take them at specific times and especially in the case of the shots they can be okay or hurt so bad you want to cry.

Then there are the symptoms. That's a roller coaster in it's self. It's so hard because the symptoms give me hope while at the same time I know it could just be the medicine as the medicine is straight up hormones.

And theres the waiting. This whole infertility business has taught me that I don't have as much patience as I thought I did. The closer it gets to beta, the stronger the urge to test early. I've looked at a variety of different post to see how other people have handled things. Within the group that tested at home early: some got the answer they wanted while other didn't. Some said that it added stress as the beta test results were different. I've also been checking my underwear to make sure I don't have period blood. I've also been struggling with hope. Throughout my life I've tried to be a hopeful but worrier of a person and I have learned through pain to not be too hopeful. This process though, it kicks that hopefulness into high gear and makes it often devastating to not have that hope bear fruit.

This is getting long so I'm going to create a part 2 for Wednesday-Sunday.

ttfn

Love yourself and take care

[fandomohana]

Not sure how long I'll be here, not sure why I'm updating, but I'm apparently a glutton for punishment.

Monday night began the comedy of errors...depression bled into a headache that had me heading for bed. Woke up Tuesday, still hurting, took some medicine, napped, still hurting. Managed to do the dusting that evening, that I had planned to do during the day. Another fairly early bedtime. Wednesday around 4am, I wake up in agony. Fight for about an hour, then call my mom for some higher power pain meds, and an ice pack. I don't call my mom in the night unless I'm damn near dead...so you can guess how bad it was...

Wednesday was supposed to be an in clinic psych appointment, cleaning, decorating, and CPAP pick up. I scrapped the psych appointment when my head was dying at 5am, and Mom called. I laid in the chair, medicated, ice packed, sleeping, and had to scrap the CPAP, then the cleaning, and decorating.

We have a big ole winter storm hanging over our heads, we're talking snow, high winds, and highs below 0 F. So I gave in around 4, I avoid er like the plague, always have...but if this storm hits, I didn't want to be stuck in pain.

Two hours, three different people coming to my room, four shots, two in each arm, and a multitude of attempted cat naps, I was released. Came home, collapsed for three hours, was awake about an hour, and took my dirty, smelly self to bed. I've been out about 12 of the last 13 hours.

So now I have migraine hangover, my sister flies in tomorrow for Christmas, decorating isn't done, and the house is awful. I may cry.

[seachanqe]

sad stuff, senior dog not doing well discussion/worrying under the cut

feeling terrible today again cause 1) I’m over tired from waking up at 4am not not being able to get back to sleep and 2) Christi is doing even worse today. The most I’ve gotten her to eat is 1/4 of a treat. She won’t eat chicken, she hasn’t drank as much water as I would like her to (just a little at like 6am maybe?? And then some again at around...... 1pm?) and they were just little laps of water. She’s extremely low energy since I got up from laying down about an hour ago, where she doesn’t even react to me poking her nose. I HATE that this had to happen over Labor Day weekend and vets are still not going to be open tomorrow, and that I have to wait until Tuesday to see my vet again. The waiting here is just awful. My vet is aware she was getting worse, but I decided to give it the weekend to see if she’d get better. I thought at least she’d remain about the same, cause she was eating chicken on Friday and Saturday. But NOPE.  

I just don’t know when it’s like ok she’s definitely suffering enough I’ll go to an emergency clinic instead. I know this probably sounds terrible but emergency clinics are so damn expensive. UGh. Like what constitutes an “emergency” in this case anyway? She’s not throwing up or idk. Having a seizure. This is the first time I’ve ever gone through this so idk. 

This is just the worst. Not to mention I’m still trying to convince myself that this is just a side effect of medication we tried with her idk. I’m just incredibly depressed about this whole thing (understandably).

[druggeddraccus]

School has been a bit crazy. I don’t have a test on Monday. But I’ve got all my notes for the next test coming up ready to go.

Clinicals today and tomorrow. I’m so tired. I have to wake up at 4am cause the clinical site is almost an hour away from my house. But I get to leave at 12:30p and then I’m on the computer with my clinical group from 2p-4p. So it’s long days anyway. Especially when you counter in the homework and paperwork I need to complete for the next day.

I’m taking a bath rn before I go to bed.

My gf has been super stressed lately. Everything’s been crazy for a couple months now. She started her first day at Panera today tho! I’m so proud of her. I know she’s gonna do great.

Also the rain today has been insane—like I genuinely was stressed driving to clinicals this morning and usually rain doesn’t stress me out at all—but I also didn’t know the roads very well so that just added onto it and it was pitch fucking black—saw the full moon this morning though along with flashes of lightning that lit up the whole sky

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Day 9 of covid and my cough is more persistent. It's like something is tickling the top of my lungs. I can fill them with air without coughing. It's exhaling that sets off the coughing. Can't be pneumonia though. That's a deep cough. Almost in the belly, and feels like drowning. This doesn't. I'm taking mucinex as a precaution, and delsym because coughing is keeping me awake.

It's almost 4AM.

The cool air is the likely culprit. Even without covid, night air easily sets off coughing. It's also why my a/c is set between 78 to 80 F. Then there's the whole "I get cold too easily and swiftly." Seeing as hypothyroidism runs in the family, and that's one of the symptoms, I wouldn't be surprised if I finally have it. My mom, both my sisters, and most of the aunts kn my mom's side have it. All my blood tests come back as the very low end of normal.

Anyway...

The benadryl is finally kicking in. Did you know the OTC sleep medicine's active ingredient is often the same one benadryl has? Just at a higher price. Benadryl also works magic on my sinuses. Dry sinuses are preferable to snot for brains.

Gonna see if I can sleep. When I wake up, we're gonna test Husband to see if it comes up positive for covid. First negative test will mean a trip to a clinic to see if their test says the same thing. If that comes back negative, that will also mean I'm negative and making a full recovery.

Get your vaccine and all your booster shots. Wear a good mask. And weat it properly. It goes OVER your nose like underwear goes over a dick. My being vaccinated and boosted is very likely why this didn't get severe, and probably saved my life. Husband got one booster, but I suspect after this, he's gonna get the second on. I'll need to speak to a doctor about the third booster that's coming out. My body's reaction to the last three shots got more and more severe. The last one had my fever at 104 F, chills extreme enough my muscles cramped, and I had to keep a high dose of Tylenol in my system. The strong reaction is good because it means my body made antibodies. I even get a fever after the flu vaccine. But a high fever cooks the brain and can result in death.

Okay, off to bed. Tomorrow will be spent resting and gaming. Possibly reading during the day, which is usually nope because it triggers "bedtime."

[weakeninghope]

Kiss me (whispering words of love) chapter 2

Pairing: Ash Lynx/Eiji Okumura

Rating: Teen

AO3 link here

Summary: Eiji and Ash meet to talk about Eiji's pictures and end up talking about everything but Eiji's pictures.Or: their first "date-not-a-date"

Notes: "It'll be up this week" I said, replying a comment todayhahahello I'm back! your local authour is way too anxious and is in love with this project and wants to write as much as possible about it! I'm really excited about sharing it with you guys and I really want to thank you for your support in last chapter, I'm really glad you like this idea <3 and stay tuned, there next open mic night is next chapter! We'll have another round of Sing vs The Stool, make your bets.See you next chapter <3Song referenced is Light your heart up by Aimee Blackschleger! (or Mako's theme from Kill la Kill) I think it really suits Eiji

new chapter under the cut!

Despite having come home late that night -for a good reason though- Eiji woke up at 8AM. He had been taking a lot of naps frequently, going to sleep at 4AM and waking up at noon; but that time he woke up instantly, Ash being the first thing in his mind. That night, he dreamed about his song. He dreamed about the two of them, together, holding each other in a secret place only they knew about.

Get a grip on yourself, Eiji.

Has he texted me yet? Eiji thought as he grabbed his phone from the nightstand, since he was still in the bed.

He hadn't. The last message was from Eiji himself, a reply to Ash's “see you tomorrow at 5PM, Mr.Photographer, don't forget the camera ;)”. It took Eiji a few minutes to prepare himself to write an answer. He had imagined Ash winking and his mind had crashed like his old computer would do every time he wanted to use it. In the end, he settled for a “I sure won't, Mr Fancy Singer.”.

Seconds after hitting the “send” button Eiji had already felt embarrassed. Was that too bold? Ash hadn't answered what if he was angry or if that was a joke and he wasn't interested in meeting Eiji at all? What if-

Ibe's coughs broke the turmoil in Eiji's mind. He was still pretty sick and even though he slept well through the night, he woke up a few times, feeling congested and with a runny nose. Eiji didn't mind taking care of him but the other way around; he liked being useful to his boss and most importantly, his friend.

Ibe had helped him to cope with his feelings. Ibe brought him there.

It was thanks to Ibe that he was going to have a d- to meet with Ash that afternoon.

“Ei-chan, I see you're up.” Ibe-san said in between a few dry coughs. “How was yesterday night?”

“It was nice” Eiji said as he got out of bed, stretched his arms and then yawned a little. “But we can talk about it later, I'll change your towel for now and make breakfast, you just rest, okay?” Eiji gently told his boss as he approached him and replaced the old towel with a new, fresh one. The cool feeling of the towel would make Ibe-san's burning forehead feel better.

“I'd like to see the pictures you've taken.” Ibe-san said, gently smiling at Eiji. A snort escaped the Japanese's lips when he remembered Cain the pop-star, the shorty rivaling a stool, the glaring snake and...

Ash.

He blushed when he came to his mind. He looked at the time. 8:30 in the morning. Still no response.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. It was just a particularly special night. I'll tell you when you're better, now rest.”

After that, Ibe-san complied and didn't say anything else as Eiji went to the kitchen to start preparing some Japanase food they both loved for breakfast. He decided to stick with some natto, but he also cooked a porridge for Ibe-san to eat. He made extra natto for himself, he loved it way too much, and it was healthier than all the greasy American food they sold there.

The morning went by slowly for Eiji, since he was checking the phone every 5 minutes to see if Ash had replied, even if he had the sound on and would notice if someone talked to him anyway.

Until a few hours later, when Eiji was getting ready to cook lunch, he heard the phone.

It was a text from Ash.

Eiji's heart was beating fast in his chest, and it did even more when he read the text.

“Sorry, I crashed into the bed and I've just woken up. See you in a few hours.” it said. Eiji exhaled a sigh of relief. He wasn't angry after all, his anxiety disappeared with one simple text.

Eiji carefully typed his reply “At least you're up now, don't be late!! :D” Eiji wondered if the emoji was too stupid but he would come off as rude or too demanding without it, he just hoped for Ash not to think something weird-

“I certainly won't” was Ash's replying text.

Why was he so smooth even by text? How was Eiji supposed to compete with that?

Never mind. He had to make lunch, to eat, to dress up and to mentally prepare himself about meeting Ash. He felt like a middle-schooler thinking about their first crush.

Okay maybe when he met Ash and when he heard him the world stopped and his heart was beating fast and for a few seconds he couldn't even take a picture because he wanted this memory to be his and his alone and wanted to capture it with his eyes instead of using the camera and-

Okay, he totally had a crush on Ash, but that was okay, people have crushes, it doesn't have to be mutual.

But what if it was mutual?

Eiji combusted again, and time flied until he had to dress himself up for the meeting. He told Ibe-san he was off to show some pictures to one of the singers (which was half true, but he hoped that Ash said that as an excuse to meet him).then grabbed the camera and left the apartment, the cafe was around the corner so he was sure he wouldn't be late.

The Japanese dressed himself up as he usually did, nothing fancy, he didn't want a lit sign in his forehead saying “I'm trying to impress my crush”, but he dressed up pretty okay so he figured out nothing would happen if he didn't choose any special clothing.

He regretted his choices later when he saw Ash. When Eiji arrived, the blond was already there. Ash was sitting at the background of the establishment, and there were only 4 people, so they were pretty much alone. He was wearing a plaid, green shirt which was a little bit oversized, but you could see his lean, noticeable collarbones, a pair of slightly ripped jeans and red Converse-like shoes.

There he was, dressed up like a street kid and looking handsome as hell.

Ash made a sign with his hand as Eiji got closer to the table and then he said “Here, Eiji.” soothingly.

Wait. How did he even know his name?

“Hello, singer who apparently knows my name even though I didn't tell you.” Eiji replied.

“Shorter told me. We're friends, in fact, I sang yesterday because he was pretty insistent about my good singing voice.”

“Well, he is right” More than right

“So you liked my performance?” Ash asked in a sing-song tone. “You asked me that yesterday.” Eiji said, but he didn't mind answering Ash's question again because even if asked a million times, he would always say the same “I loved it.”

“That's good to know.” Ash said “But you didn't throw money in the hat” Ash finished in a fake retort.

Shoot! The hat! In those kind of events, there's always this “pass the hat” thing where you throw donations for the singers if you liked their performance, but Eiji was way too distracted and ended up forgetting about it...

“You're right, I'm so sorry! I was so distracted with taking the pictures that the idea didn't even cross my mind... I can make it up to you by treating you to what you want to drink or eat here, though.” Eiji apologized.

“Well, if you insist, Eiji.” Eiji gulped at how his name sounded in Ash's voice “I won't refuse your offer” He said.

“So what brought you here?” He continued.

“Well... I don't know if Shorter told you, but my boss is sick and I came here in his stead to take the job. Even though I didn't manage it as I thought I would. The kid battling a stool was... beyond my expectations” A muffled laughter accompanied Eiji's response.

“Oh, you mean Sing. It's the first time this place holds this kind of event but every time he comes here with his friends someone has to hold him from kicking the stools near the counter, I figured out this would happen.” Ash explained. God, his voice was amazing, it drew Eiji in, he couldn't stop listening, he couldn't stop staring at his deep, green eyes. He was thoroughly delighted.

“Like what you see?” Ash mockingly asked “Since you staring so much”

“Ah! Sorry, I spaced out hearing you talk... I really like your voice.” Oops. That slipped.

“You like it but you don't give a poor singer like me some money to pay for his expenses, so mean, Eiji...” Ash pouted.  Even though Eiji knew it was a joke, Ash's pout was something he wanted to take a picture of. And he had the camera in his bag. God, that was so tempting.

“I told you I forgot!” Eiji half shouted, jockingly.

“Right, right. I know. So why photography?”

Ash looked genuinely interested about Eiji's job and the reasons behind it and Eiji couldn't believe himself. The conversation paused when Shorter came to take note of their orders; Ash ordered a cappuccino and Eiji ordered a green tea. Before leaving, Shorter gave Ash a pat on the back and whispered something to Ash's ear, so Eiji couldn't hear it, and Ash clicked his tongue.

“What was it?” Eiji asked “Do you have to talk to him about something important?” He asked, in spite of Shorter being in the counter already.

“Nah, he was just being a dick. Now tell me.” Ash insisted, a glint of excitement in his beautiful green eyes.

“I used to be a pole-vaulter in Japan but I got injured and everything was over in a second, so my boss took me here with him months ago because he saw I was feeling down. In fact, I got diagnosed with clinical depression after my injury. Pole-vaulting was the only thing I liked, I devoted my life to it, it was the only thing I was useful at and when I was pole-vaulting I felt... like I was flying.” Eiji rambled. Crap! What if Ash got bored?

“I see. I envy you if you know how to fly.”

“I don't anymore. I envy you because you made me fly with your voice. You got rid of my broken wings and I think... I'm stronger now” Eiji gently said. He trusted what he was saying. He meant it. He really meant it and would say it a million times if Ash needed to hear it.

“This wings thing sounds like a song line”

“How did you know it? It isn't even popular. Yes, it's from a song called Light your heart up, it cheered me up a lot when I felt down.”

“You know what?” They paused for a second, Shorter came with their orders and since they were too hot to drink, they continued their little talk “I completely understand what you feel. But I never had wings in the first place. I was born in a cage. My mother left when I was born, my father neglected both myself and my older brother, so when he turned 18, I began living with him. He's a novelist, but he's not having much luck right now with finding an editor so he pretty much does odd jobs, we live in a crappy apartment and I thought I could earn so money if I followed Shorter's idea. I rarely do what Shorter's advises me to, since inside his bald head -I know it surprised you, but yes, he's bald, he shaved his head- there's a lot of ridiculous ideas. But this one was good” Ash explained as one of his hands slipped across the table to clasp Eiji's. “Since I met you.”

Since I met you. Since I met you.

Eiji was left agape, but he intertwined his fingers with Ash's, and at that moment, he decided he wanted to desperately know more about him, he decided that he wanted to listen to his voice without this sad shift in it when he was talking about his past. He had suffered enough already.

“It must have been tough.”

“It was. It is. But I can't do much about it.”

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead”

“Is your real name Ash Lynx?”

“Oh, no. It's a nickname, I actually want to become a singer. I like music, I listen to almost every genre, I like the feeling it conveys and how it makes people feel.” Ash stated with a soft smile. His love for music could be perceived in what Eiji decided was a melody by itself.

“Before you ask me about it” Ash said “It's Aslan. Aslan Jade Callenreese.”

“It sounds like a meaningful name. I like it.”

“Aslan is for “day-break”, it means so in Hebrew, since I was born at dawn. Jade is for the color of my eyes. Nothing special” Ash deadpaned.

“It is more special than Eiji Okumura.” Eiji said, and he added something, feeling bold and rubbing his thumb over Ash- Aslan's hand “And it does you justice, since you're so bright.” However, Eiji couldn't contain the soft blush that appeared in his cheeks, so he turned his head to aside for the other boy not to notice.

“Oh” Aslan raised an eyebrow “Do I light your heart up?” He teasingly asked

“The important question here is if you want me to do so- of if I light yours up” Eiji let go. He didn't know if he wanted an answer. The possibility of a yes set his cheeks ablaze and his heart could be able to beat a mile a minute but the possibility of a no made him feel like something wasn't working; that his wings were, indeed, broken.

“Hey, I'm an amateur singer, not a lightning technician” Ash claimed with a laugh. Another soft sound Eiji would treasure forever.

“Now that you say so, I really worried about your sound technician yesterday, I thought the stool could have hit him”

“Yeah, we all thought so. Shorter too. He started calling him Bones since that moment; Shorter gives nicknames to everyone, you're probably the next in line.” Ash chided while throwing a menacing-not-menacing glare to Shorter, who didn't seem to notice.

“I see.”

“Eiji-”

Ash was interrupted by the loud ring of Eiji's phone. Carefully, he took it out of his bag and answered Ibe-san's phone call. Apparently they had ran out of meds and his fever had gotten a little bit worse and the cafe was already closing and-

Good lord for how many hours had they been talking? It seemed like 5 minutes! They had spent the whole afternoon talking and he discovered a lot of interesting facts about the boy; he was two years younger and was afraid of pumpkins -as ridiculous as it sounded- but that time 5 minutes-likeish was the best time of his last years even though he felt he didn't deserve such a talented angel because Eiji was mediocre and his photos weren't even cool-

“Ei-chan?” He heard Ibe-san weakly ask from the other line of the phone. He had spaced out again. It happened with a lot of frequency, he tended to get lost in his thoughts, intrusive thoughts mostly when something good was happening to him.

Snap out of it, Eiji. Blanca told you that the fact that you even make it out of bed every day is something to be proud of. There's always a path to keep walking on, and you're not alone this time.

“Yes, sorry. I'll be back in a second with what you asked me. Hang in there!” Eiji replied as he hung his phone in a rush.

When he was about to got up from the chair he noticed that he was still holding Aslan's hand and if he wanted to get up he had to let go.

Oh, he didn't want to lot go.

“Got to leave?” Aslan casually asked.

“Yeah. My boss's fever's gotten worse and I've got to go take care for him and Shorter's glaring at us like he wants to kick us out.”

“He's a jerk, don't mind it” Ash said as -unfortunately for Eiji- he let his hand go and got up.

“I'll walk you to the door”.

When they made it out of the cafe they were silent for a minute, neither nothing what to say or what to do. Everything had been so intense; Aslan really felt like Eiji had lit his heart up even if Eiji didn't know it, and Eiji felt so happy he could die.

Or maybe not, because he wanted to meet with Aslan again, so he talked to make up another excuse.

“In the end we spent all the time talking nonsense and I didn't show you the pictures I took of you. Want me to show them to you tomorrow?” Eiji shyly asked. Please say yes. Please say yes.

“Tomorrow is their day off” Aslan pointed at the cafe “But we can meet on Tuesday” He then told Eiji with a soft, gentle, warm smile, as warm as the sun in early autumn's day afternoon, even though they had spent the whole afternoon holed inside a cafe and it was pretty late at that moment.

“And we can keep texting” Eiji said. Ash eyed him curiously “That is, if you don't mind” Eiji said, lowering his head.

Suddenly, he felt Aslan's hand on his head, lifting it. Then his beautiful, soft hand, the ones which holded the mic with grace the night before, traveled around his face and ended up on his hand again.

“Your hand is warm, Eiji.” Aslan whispered. And okay, text me when you get home, so I know you got home safely” He said with a smirk even though he knew Eiji was, in fact, two years older than him and that he lived literally five minutes away from where they were standing.

“Fine, I will.”

And then he let Aslan's hand- he kept calling him Ash in his mind, but he hoped that he can start getting to know the person behind his singing, which was already amazing. He wondered if Aslan composed songs of his own, too.

After a quick walk, Eiji got home, and after a long hour of nursing Ibe-san and watching TV without any text message from Aslan, he received a message from him:

“We left a question unanswered. You light my heart up. Do I light yours?”

Eiji screamed.

Of fucking course the answer was the biggest yes in his entire life.

[knowyourkaldereta]

64 Days

Day 1: Oct 29

I wasn’t able to go to work today- I figured I just can’t. I woke-up like I have never slept and my fever flared up. I was coughing non-stop and I can’t even put my mind and body to rest. I tried to stay calm and focus on getting better so I can go back to work tomorrow- but I ended up talking to you, you were mad. Really mad. I wish I never made the call- but then again I wanted to provide you answers- and I don’t want to leave things with ‘I’m breaking-up with you’ 

Day 2: Oct 30

Woke-up empty again- and told myself, ‘wow Roj, you are able to place yourself in the same shitty situation at a short amount of time’. I needed to go back to work so I pulled myself together. I spent 20 mins contemplating inside a coffee shop- trying to make sense why these things are happening. Is it really suppose to happen? Is this necessary? Who knows right. But yeah, I survived Day 2. Alive.

Day 3: Oct 31

I woke-up today full of regrets - thinking about all the things that I shouldn’t have done. And the things I should have done better. I tried to wash you off my head but this hole is not very easy to ignore. I spent another 30 mins lying in bed -staring at the ceiling -contemplating what’s happening with my life before I finally booked a ride. My cough got worse but the colds seem to subside a bit. I have been working extra hard so that there’s no time for me to feel anything- but somehow I still manage to look at your photos. I went off 9pm since I no longer have any plans - bought myself a bottle of beer at Bowery and managed to look pathetic for 45 minutes. Staring at Mind Museum with a lighted cigarette on my hand. What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? - right now, maybe I just want to be alone. Curling-up on my bed, thinking how am I able to survive this longing for the next days. 

Day 4: Nov 1

It really was a trying day today. I had my worst panic attack with work and all the anxiety that I was feeling because of the break-up. It was so bad that I can compare it to June 19 of 2016. I wasn’t able to feel my fingers and I can’t cry for help. I was shaking under the table holding a glass of water.  I took several breathes and really tried my best. I even texted you for refuge - because I no longer know what to do. And then it stopped. Today I can say that I still love you, so much. I still wish that we can get back together and hope that you’ll give us another chance. But today I also prayed for the Lord to give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Day 5: Nov 2

I woke-up again today feeling empty. I wasn’t so sure on how I can push through living with this misery. I got confused because of the things I knew but did not understand. Today, I realised that I am capable of loving someone unconditionally - that I am willing to look past anything for the sake of love. I was a bit more convinced today that you are really moving on - I had a panic attack inside the mall - I was rushing for my breathe, I sat down inside Jollibee and cried. I dragged myself to Mentore so less people can see me catching for breathe - and there tears kept on falling - it was all pain. I asked myself several times - ‘Why are these things happening - and do I just sit here and wait for you to come since I haven’t turned off my location tracker yet’. But then I saw that you did turn it off - I was hopeless, I was confused if it’s just false hope that I holding onto.

Day 6: Nov 3

The past days I have been having a hard time going back to sleep once I wake-up. Regardless if it’s 3am, 4am or 5am - I just can’t go back to sleep. I can’t seem to stop my mind from thinking of you - my heart has been palpitating. I wore my black jacket - the one I wore when we were in Macau just to be able to sleep. It’s shivering cold every night mahal - and only the warmth of your embrace is all I am longing for. I got stuck in bed today - contemplating and contemplating and contemplating. It was 6am - I wanted to see you real bad and I wasn’t able to control the urge of texting you. You didn’t respond but I completely understood. I just miss you so bad mahal. I want you in my arms again- and kiss you a lot of times and tell you much I love you. The pain is excruciating and I know I deserve this. Today, I was thinking of you non-stop and I guess that I might stay single until our roads cross again and you’ll accept me again - I pray for that. I wanted to introduce you to my lola yesterday - telling her that I finally found the one. The one I want to spend my life with.  I wanted to escape and leave everything behind and do something I have never done before - bring you to my hometown. So you could see where I grew-up and the people who were close to me when I was younger. I love you so much but now I understand that you need time - I’ll focus on building myself again so that for when the time come. I’d be really ready for you- to continue where we left off. 

Day 7: Nov 4

I didn’t know how I survived today - but I did. I was afraid to face all my deliverables at work but I managed to man-up and push myself. I was thinking of you all day - wondering how you are. It’s been a week mahal, and this week won’t go easy on me I know. I’m launching the show this Saturday - the one I really worked hard for. I’m excited but at the same time really afraid of what’s gonna happen. I replayed your videos several times today - makes me smile and makes me miss you more. I want to hug you and scratch your back until you fell asleep. Today, I love you the same. 

Day 8: Nov 5

Today I prayed to be stronger. I’m thankful that Lord made me so busy this week to somehow pre-occupy my head. I made peace with some of things that bother me most- changed my phone case to the one that we bought over the weekend from Shopee - to somehow refresh things. I woke-up today empty again, I can’t go back to sleep. Today, I still love you. I was thinking how you are, thinking if you are also thinking of me. On the other hand, I was excited to launch the TV show today - something that I wanted to share with you. Rough week to push, but I am excited for the break that I will be having next week. At the back of my head, I wish you’ll go with me and escape from the city - just the two of us. I’ll cuddle with you all day long and watch the sun rise from our bed. 

Day 9: Nov 6

I somehow got some sleep today - maybe because I was really tired from work last night. I finished off 1am - but I still manage to wake-up really early and stare outside the window for few minutes, thinking how much I miss you. I wanted to be strong and see myself through this - but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to move, I’m stuck. I don’t know if I should just move on like what you are doing or should I move back and fight for this. But right now, I know I’m stuck. I know I still love you, I still want to be with you but I don’t know what is the right thing to do. 

There’s still pain from the break-up, and I know it’ll be here for quite some more time. I know you’re still hurting - and I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. Maybe you broke-up with me because I cannot admit to myself that I was wrong. I thought those were harmless messages as long as we don’t meet. I shouldn’t have defended myself and just admit to it. That I am at fault. I’m sorry for all the pain - today, I still love you. With regrets, yes - but I still hope that one of these days you’ll find your way to me and we give it another try. 

Day 10: Nov 7

This is the tenth day, I woke-up thinking that you are heading to Korea today. With sadness, I thought of the days that we could have spent before you even leave. Today was a hard day - I  palpitated around 1pm- it was too much that I had to go to the clinic to rest. I couldn’t move - I just stared at the ceiling as tears slowly fell. I am not okay - I miss you so bad. 

The first break-up was devastating, but this one is life-sucking maybe because I am clueless of what to do next. I have been really drowning myself to work - but my emotions got the best of me today. I wanted to go home and escape. I was wondering if you are thinking of me, how you are coping with the break-up because honestly I am still not okay. Today, I should have hugged so tight, kissed you a lot before you go. Tell you how much I wanted to see you again and how we can videocall the rest of your trip. Today I still love you Jeff, I still cling to what we have and what we could be once we both heal. It will take time but I know - tayo pa rin sa dulo. 

Day 12: Nov 9

How are you, mahal? I see that you’re having a good time in Korea. I wanted to tell you that you should have worn dark brown or dark green in Nami lol  it would have a nice contrast against the environment. I miss you - I don’t know if you’re also thinking of me, but today I was feeling a bit better than the previous days. I am really excited on the concert tomorrow - I’m looking forward on how the hardworking weeks will turn into something I am really proud of, tomorrow I’ll be airing my first branded concert on national television. I wanted to tell you about it, how excited I am - because you know well how much I have been pouring myself to this one. I’m sure I’ll cry a lot tomorrow haha 

I still love you today Jeff. 

Day 15: Nov 12

I thought today and the upcoming days will be easier for me - but it doesn’t look that way. The huge pain returned. I was thinking if you are already back from Korea, if this is my cue to see you and get back together. To chase you and win you back.  I was panicking because I do not know what to do. I missed you a lot, I wanted to talk to you - but I don’t know how and when. 

I woke-up today looking at our photos together - seeing how good we look together. And told myself, ‘darating ‘yung panahon tayo pa rin, alam ko yun’. And yes, I still have this hope that we’ll make it through this because I still believe on how much we love each other. 

I have been convincing myself that I should already be moving on - but I have been fooling myself every time I try. You’re still all over my head, and my heart cannot unlove you. The sound of your voice, the tight hug when we sleep, the kisses in the neck and all the shenanigans we talk about which always make us laugh. I haven’t been happy since you left - the pain of longing for you still wakes me up in the middle of the night, it still makes me cry. Today, I realised that I cannot imagine a future without you in it. I love you so much but please give me a sign. 

Day 19: Nov 16

It’s over two weeks now, and I think I’m getting better - maybe by 25%. Every time I open my eyes, the first thing I’ll do is to check on our photos together- I have been trying my best not to because I know it’ll only make me miss you more. I have been focusing a lot more with work and myself - really trying to keep it together. Convincing myself that I can survive each day - but I still cry at 7am and feel empty at 10pm. I miss you holding my hand, I miss the kisses, the warm hugs - I miss everything about us. I have been purposely trying to avoid all the places and things that reminds me of us. 

I don’t know how long I’ll be here but I’m trying to carry on. I needed to go through this and there are no shortcuts on filling in this void. I needed to mourn, and I will take my time. Today, I still love you - but I’m also trying to see how to love myself better. 

Day 23: Nov 20

Hi, how are you? It’s been 23 days. I’m started to try and see things in a different perspective now - maybe I am still sad deep-inside, maybe because I still miss you and I miss all the good memories. I miss how happy we were - but as days go by, the false hope inside my heart slowly fades away. I am trying to already convince myself of the situation, that you don’t really want me anymore. It still hurts but maybe they’re right, that the love we had was great but was so fragile - we love each other so much that we wanted everything to be perfect. Today was a mix of emotions, I finally got my promotion - everyone is so happy for me but I kept on thinking how I wanted to celebrate this with you, I wanted to hear you congratulate me and see your smile. You were with me through it all - I wanted to text you about it but I don’t think I can handle how you’ll respond or if you’re even going to respond. Got me thinking, maybe Lord is already setting things in place for me - is this a sign to already move forward? I don’t know. 

Some of the days I just wish that we are brave enough to just fight for this - and fight for whatever we are feeling. It could have been easier. I still love you, but if we’re going to be back together? Maybe. No one knows. 

Day 31: Nov 29

It should have been our 2nd monthsary today. I was doing better yesterday like 50% of all the false hopes have subsided but why did you have to chat me? What is it that you want? If you really want us back - do it now. 

[unlikelywallflower]

on finally getting what I want, personal loss, and collective pain

In addition to the content warning in the graphic, I’d like to preface this with a content “request”: While I appreciate any loving shows of support (via text/email/FB message), I am not looking for any advice or suggestions on how to cope (the only exception, possibly, being if you’ve personally been through this and want to share what you did for yourself).

This is going to be a long one, y’all. Also one that feels strange, because while I do feel more women talk about this more of the time than they used to, it’s probably not something that many people are this public about. That said, sharing my whole journey, for my own processing and shedding light, and for the benefit of those who are dealing with some/any of the same things, is what this blog has been about from the start. So here we go...

What feels like eons ago, but was actually only six weeks ago, I started feeling crampy—like “my period is coming tomorrow” crampy—and immediately went into a tailspin of misery that I was not only going to have to go through it all over again, but was going to have to take more of the fertility drugs whose side effects I still hadn’t recovered from. But then, the next morning, I woke to a 0.4 degree rise in temperature (for those of you who aren’t fertility nerds, that is a fairly sure sign of either a fever or pregnancy, and I definitely wasn’t sick), peed on maybe the fifth stick that week, and for the first time in seven months of trying, saw a very faint second line. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or be terrified or think I was imagining the whole thing, so I decided to keep it to myself for the day. I slept terribly, and then that faint line got a little darker the next morning. I knew then that I was for sure pregnant, and alternated between crying with joy, smiling to myself, singing and talking to my little blastocyst, filling out intake forms for the six different midwifery practices in the city, looking at the stick every five minutes, and feeling more nervous than I had in a long, long time. I also made a list of everyone I was going to tell before making a grand public announcement and at what stage I was going to tell them, and started thinking seriously about how I was going to creatively share the news with each of those people.

That drive to come up with an individually personalized experience for telling every single person in my life got pretty exhausting pretty fast, and was adding to the already mounting swell of anxious thoughts that were continuing to wake me up at 4am: what if it’s twins or even triplets (the fertility drugs did their job, helping me develop two mature and one smaller “immature” follicle)? What if the baby isn’t healthy? What if I have a miscarriage? What if I somehow lose my job and can’t afford this? What if? What if? What if?

I managed to calm down a little after a few days, and started just, you know, telling people. In a time when my feelings about being pregnant were about 60% anxiety, 10% excitement, 15% shame that I was more terrified than elated, and 15% “WTF was I thinking?”, telling people felt like my only real access to feeling excited about this pregnancy. My hCG hormone (the “pregnancy hormone”) was on the very high side of normal on the first couple of blood tests, which did not help the twin anxiety, and at the six-week mark, the nausea and exhaustion kicked into overdrive. (Note to those who don’t know about pregnancy week-counting: they start counting from the first day of your last period, so by the time you find out roughly two weeks after conception, you’re already technically four weeks pregnant). I kept feeling like I should be glowing and walking on air, but mostly I just felt like throwing up and having a nap.

I was so nervous for the first ultrasound at 7.5 weeks, but comforted by SD#1’s presence. And it looked like my prayers had been answered: there was one little blob on the screen; one single, very strong heartbeat. I cried with relief and immediately got on a train home to tell my parents in person (I had already planned the trip; I luckily had a client meeting in my home town the next day). The clinic scheduled me for another (completely medically unnecessary) ultrasound at 9.5 weeks, which I thought about not keeping, but then realized fairly quickly that the reassurance would be comforting—waiting til the standard 12-week screening sounded awful.

After telling my parents, I settled into it a little more, and by nine weeks, had told what felt like a lot of people. No one that I wouldn’t want to know if it didn’t work out, mind you. Then the day of the second ultrasound came. I was, as usual, nervous, but SD#1 was with me again. The ultrasound took an unusually long time, but the technician had a relatively neutral face and was chatting me up about the Raptors, so I wasn’t too worried. That is, until the end, when she said that she wasn’t going to bring my “husband” in to see the results on the screen, because there was something the radiologist needed to look at, and that our nurse would go over everything with us. I immediately knew something was wrong, but tried to remind myself that it could just be some anomaly they needed to look at more closely. As we waited for what felt like an interminable half hour in the waiting room to see the doctor, my thoughts got darker and darker, and were finally confirmed when she told us that the worst case scenario had happened: there was no heartbeat. She rushed through options as I sobbed: wait it out at home (which could take up to two weeks), drugs to stimulate it happening faster (which would still take a few days and may end up having to be taken twice), or a D&C. I opted for the latter, and they scheduled it for three days later; I ended up moving it forward by a day just so I could have it over and done with sooner. I survived a long Uber ride home from the clinic, told my boss I was taking a few days off, called my parents, and they were in Toronto within a few hours. I am really blessed, y’all. I have a lot of really great people in my life who really showed up, texted everyone I’d told so I wouldn’t have to, fed me, cleaned my house, held me while I cried, listened to me talk for hours.

The day of the D&C, I woke up hours earlier than I needed to and cried in bed while I said goodbye to the little embryo inside of me (or fetus; the line when they “graduate” is 9 weeks, which is exactly how far along I was, so it’s a little blurry). The clinic staff could not have been kinder or taken better care of me. When I walked into the surgical suite and got on the table (already doped up on a mixture of Ativan and Gravol), it was freezing and I started shaking uncontrollably, and sobbing. My doctor, for whom I will forever be grateful, slid her stool up to the end of the table, put my feet on her knees and her hands on my feet and just grounded me until the pain meds kicked in enough to put me out. It was the kindest and most compassionate gesture in the midst of one of the most terrible moments of my life. I woke up an hour or so later in the recovery room, and we made our way home. All I could focus on for the rest of the day (in between sleeping off the meds) was that one moment I had been pregnant, and then 10 minutes later, I wasn’t. It was over.

The last few days have been a hazy blend of crying, praying, calm moments of knowing I’ll be okay, a very modest amount of retail therapy, fear of all the things this means for my future, ruminations on the terrible moments, a ton of supportive texts from the wider group of people I’d told, a whole lot of support from my closest humans, and doing/planning all the things I can’t/won’t do when I’m pregnant. I had a poke bowl with double salmon. I had a cider—my first drink since November—accompanied by a charcuterie plate. My dear friend brought me to Wonderland to ride all the biggest rollercoasters, in the front car for maximum terror, where I screamed my grief and fears into the wind. And I finally walked into the tattoo shop, with the encouragement and accompaniment of another dear friend, to get a consult on the tattoo I’ve been thinking about for over a year.

Here are a few of the things I know: as strange as this may sound, I prayed for this. I prayed that if this wasn’t a healthy baby, that my pregnancy would end sooner rather than later, because that felt like it would be infinitely easier to cope with. I know that I am surrounded by people who are going to support me through this. I know that I have a lot of tools, and that I will be okay. I also know that I know a lot of people who have been through a miscarriage, or several, and went on to have healthy babies.

One of the things I’ve said over the past few days is that this feels kind of like a breakup: right now, it sucks and is immeasurably painful and sad. And every day, it will keep getting a little easier. Unlike a breakup, though, which somehow feels intensely personal even though pretty much every single human over the age of 13 on the planet has been through it, this does not feel like a personal experience. Yes, I am personally in pain. But knowing that so many women have gone through their own version of this, that I am somehow part of a collective pain, has been immensely comforting. It’s a shitty club to be in, but God am I grateful not to be in it alone.

[featheriri]

doom

Y’all I am so discouraged. It all started labor day weekend, the Sunday. I went to a pool party and had a TON OF FUN, yes, but it’s been TWO DAYS and I still feel horrendously guilty. I binged on alcohol and ate foods I NEVER usually eat and had way more calories than normal. Ever since that day my cravings have been through the roof, like my body is saying “You ate normally that day, do it every day!” And I feel like I’m about to go into a binge cycle or something.

I am so fucking terrified of losing all my progress so I’m taking that step into going back to high restriction because I feel like if I don’t, I will definitely end up binging. These past few days I’ve actually been “good” and eating enough for it to be considered “high restriction” but my mind is telling me it’s terrible and I feel so fat. Tomorrow evening starts my next 48+ hr fast, after I get home from clinical.

The only good part of this is that I exercised a lot that day because we swam, and played mudpit volleyball. I still feel kinda sore from it. But I weighed myself and I DID gain from it (water weight, muscle, idfk but I don’t like it). I’m hoping my upcoming fast puts me back where I was at, or puts me even lower. If I can go 60 hrs I am going to try to.

I have to get to sleep, I have to wake up at 4am to get ready to leave for clinical. Goodnight :(

Some really good news on the side that I’m actually extremely proud about: I got an A on my first exam of the semester in a class that I have been struggling with since I began the nursing program (:

[iamkoinonia]

Miss Drama Queen.

Do you like to dramatize things and always exaggerate the problem that is just actually ordinary happen in life? If your answer yes then you can almost certainly be detected as a miss drama queen.You may confused about this post. Some people that close to me call me miss drama queen. They say it’s  because I worry too much with negative thinking. Just like what happened yesterday, I dont know if this thing is a big deal or not. Because normal people will think its like nothing to be argued actually. But because I am a “miss drama queen” I don’t react like normal people.

My future husband asks me to do a treatment that make my cheeks thinner (my cheeks look so chubby that is what he always say). This one always his concern. Then my evil side said, “so He can not accept you whatever you are. Are you sure He is the one who you looking for?”

Alright! Let me explain what is exactly just happened !

First, As I have mentioned above. That my chubby cheeks is the thing that his concerns. He wants my cheeks to be thinner. He told me He want to look at me more beautiful during the wedding day. At that time I said, “is that really much important?” He said, “yes why not? I am capable and have money to do so. All you have to say is “Yes”. Then, I agree with his request that I find strange.  It is look like He does not accept me for what I look? I think this thought is still normal is not it? not excessive. But some people close to me say why should you worry. You should be glad though. It means He cares with you.

Second, Last week we agreed to go to one of the beauty clinics to do a treatment that can make my chubby cheeks to be V-shape. Before that I phoned, they say this treatment can only be done with a face that is not problematic (I mean free of acne and not too much sensitive in other word normal skin) and coincidently my face is showing some acne. somehow ? Maybe stress? Stress with job problems, and certainly stress before the wedding. This is natural is not it? But we still went to the clinic on Monday. Upon our arrival there we were immediately greeted by customer service. She said if my face is not worth doing that treatment. The first thing we should to do is get rid of my acne. And She said I need 3 times treatment and the price is too expensive. Then my future husband surprised because He thinks nothing wrong with my face. It’s just a little acne. Why should we pay too much? and 3 times treatment does too much. Then the customer service said, no we have package price. You should pay 3 times treatment for acne treatment. Then my boyfriend said again, why? could you look her face. nothing wrong! then the cutomer service a little bit yelled at us. and saying “Alright, if you both of you want to still to do this treatment its up to you, but you should sign an agreement letter if anything happens both of you will not sue us”.Then my boyfriend a little bit afraid and finally he said we will heal my acne elsewhere because in my opinion my girl does not need that acne treatment. Later,  we will come back. Then we left the place. In the car, He looks disappointed and can not understand why the healing of acne as small as it can be that expensive. He laughed. He finally asked, “what the hell do you have acne so? You stress why? Because of me? yes?”. I replied, “no. Because of work problems”. “Yes but you can tell me”, he said. “I'm okay”, I answered slowly.

Third, On our way to home, no matter what demons possessed him. He looks very annoyed because today's treatment fails. His face looked moody and unenthusiastic. Then he said one thing that might make me severely disappointed. He said first when we had not started this relationship, he did not fall in love directly to me. The first to fall in love with me are his parents. As I mentioned above. My chubby cheeks became the scariest specter for him. But because of his mother's talk that says my cheeks can be reduced, he finally wants to start this relationship with me. To be honest, I was very disappointed. But on the other hand he has the courage to tell the truth as it is. Do you think I deserve to be disappointed over what He said? Or I react like miss drama queen  that always dramatized everything? Always negative thinking.? My boyfirend is the type of person who always honestly say what it is. But for some things he said too honestly that sometimes makes me sad and disappointed. After saying so he asked, “is my honest words too rude for you?” I honestly want to say “yes” your words are rude, so you should be able to choose more soft words. But I try to catch my breath and remember if his nature is like that, do not like to ramble. I replied, “no. At least you tell the truth. Sorry if I'm too demanding about my wishes, but here I am, that's what I want, I can not calm you either”, he says. “It's okay”, I said. It's 10:45pm, He must go home because it's late, tomorrow we have to work as well. He came home with a gloomy face. I also entered the room with a sad and disappointed face. This is noticed by my mama. then I tell her about the problem. First, She looked angry and she wanted to call my boyfriend back. and He need to explained all the things. but I said to my mom, no mom. it’s okay. I will be fine. My mama calm down, and let me sleep because It’s almost 11.00pm. We need to wake up at 4am tomorrow. Then we sleep with all the bad thinking on our heads. Anyway, my mama also said, “it’s okay if you want to cancelled all this. It’s okay if you want to stop this”. I WAS COMPLETELY SHOCKED. LIKE MOM,?!?!? OH NO?!?!?! IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. I LOVE HIM! :/ :( I just need to calm the heck down, not react too much.

Fourth, He woke up late in the morning, his cell phone dies. I can not contact him. Exactly at 9 am he just woke up. And he was late in the office. We were silent that morning. We didn’t text. Maybe he's still upset because yesterday. And I am still disappointed with his words. Oh yes, I forgot. Morning, upon my arrival at my office, I can not stand it anymore. I cried sobbing on my office desk. The office was still quiet. And I was alone in my room. I was the only occupant in the room. Whether demon or It’s true that I am the miss drama queen who always dramatize everything, how  can I cried like that. I took deep breathing. After that I am relieved. And thinking there really is nothing to be debated about and made a big deal because his wishes were actually good for me as well. Then why can I be like this? Maybe the words he said that the first one who fell in love is his parents and not him. At first he was very concerned about my cheeks and after his mother said that my cheeks can be made to be thinner, he wanted to start relationship with me. This is the main trigger why I am so very disappointed to be honest. During the day, I have lunch with my office friend whom I already consider to be my sister. I told him my problem and asked for her advice. Her input was enough to help me, and at least I felt a little calm. And unexpectedly, my former office friend also came.  I consider him just like my dad. God is always good, He knows what I need. I need people who love me to calm me down. Thank you Jesus. Upon my return to meet my old friend, I entered the room and I was shocked by a very good dermatologist in my room. She always nice to me. She is pretty.  Initially I was shy to ask that V-Shape treatment. Then finally I ventured to ask. I asked if my face deserves to do that treatment? She said, “yes it is worth it, why not”. There is a promo at the beauty clinic where she works. She sent me the promo through what’s app. Wow, God is great. He always knows my need. Unexpectedly the dermatologist came, and brought the good news. And the fact that my face worth to do the treatment. He also gave some suggestions for what treatment I needed. I immediately tell my boyfriend related to this. And you guys know what his reaction is? He was very happy. And very grateful. Of course he is happy, this is his greatest wish. We also agreed that this Saturday we will go to the beauty clinic where the doctor works. Slowly but sure my disappointment also decreased. For some reason every thing that makes me sad, annoyed, and disappointed about him it can not last long. is this Love? Last, basically I am the kind of person who always carries everything with feelings and all tends to negative thoughts. And I always dramatize everything. This is what makes me get a nicknamed Miss Drama Queen.

PS: Everything is fine now. I feel better , He also feels the same.

KS