#and then have my yearly birthday breakdown

[harryhandstan]

*harry voice* it’s my birthdayyyyy 🥳💖

[kakiastro]

Lunar Return-Your month ahead

Solar return is talked about a lot but did you know that you have a Lunar return too?

What the difference?

Solar- when the Sun orbits back into the sign & date you were born in, Aka, your birthday. Solar returns happen every year. It shows the outlook of your year ahead until your next birthday comes.

Lunar - when the Moon orbits back into the sign you were born in. Instead of a yearly analysis like the solar, this will be a monthly analysis. Every 29ish days, you have a new lunar return chart.

How do I read my lunar return chart?

- The same you would any other chart but you have to read it from a moon point of a view.

-the Moon rules over our private and home life. It rules over our family and other loved ones. It rules over our emotional needs and wants. It’s our most intimate and safe space from the outside world.

*THIS DOES NOT CHANGE YOUR NATAL CHART! Your natal chart will always be the same forever. Return charts are to show the themes of our lives. I just wanted to make that clear.

The breakdown of the chart

For example: Scorpio rising

South/North Nodes- this is important because this shows you what you learned from the previous month and early on in this month (SN) to what you want to learn at the end of this month(NN). SN Taurus 7h /NN Scorpio 1h, this shows the you learned how to connect with people in a surface level and the material side of relationships. Now you you’re learning about how you emotionally connect with others but you’re looking deep within yourself first. “What do I need to feel intimacy on a deeper level”

Ascendant & Chart ruler - overall outlook for the month and what the theme is. Let’s say you have a Scorpio rising with ruler Pluto Capricorn in the 3h for this month. Themes of power, money topics such as loans and debts, sex, intellectual and emotional bonds, research, grandparents/elders, career, siblings, cars related topics, short travel and your local neighborhood will be the main topics

Moon- since this is a Lunar chart, the moon is the first planet after the chart ruler that we should be looking at. The moon sign will always be the same as your natal moon, hence “lunar return” the house the moon falls in is the most important. If you have a Libra moon, it would be in your 12h for this month. So you may feel like going into hermit mode, being more creative, traveling to a foreign unknown land or territory, if you’re interested in spirituality or holistic, traveling to the beach or being near water, going to the hospital, prison visit(hey, you never know)

Sun- this will be the not so private part of our lives out in the open. The Sun is the one that highlights everything in our life. It’s our life force. Let’s say the Sun is in Gemini 8h. This really enhanced the Scorpio energy so reread those themes that I wrote above now add the Gemini energy. This may be the month a lot of secrets or just deeply hidden emotions boil over to the surface. It’s giving death and rebirth season

Mercury-this will show your daily routine(s) throughout the month. It’s your health and possible health concerns, what you’ll be mostly thinking, talking about throughout this month. It also rules over your pets. If Mercury is in Gemini 8h along with the Sun then this could be time you really talk about your fears, worries, trauma, your healing growth journey, money problems or blessings, you may change something drastic about your routine, getting 2 new pets or giving one away, your hands such as breaking a nail or finger, getting new rings .

Venus- this will show you what your relationship(s), finances, your physical home and your personal possessions in it, food habits . Let’s say you have a Venus Virgo 11h. Posting a life update on social media, changing up your diet, you could be more vocal about your struggles or just struggles in general on social media, being of service and helping strangers more this month

Mars- this will show you where you’re putting your most energy in this month. Mars rules over our physical body and what get us up and moving. Mars is in Aries 6h for this month, yore putting a lot of your energy into yourself, your health, your job, your pets,it’s all about healing you this month, keep in mind too mars is also your chart ruler because it also rules Scorpio.

Jupiter- this will show you where you’re doing too much lol jk..sort of😅 this can show you where in will be expanded upon, your faith, what you’ll learn, your ideals, long distance travels, court case(if you have one), your good luck for this month. Jupiter Aries 6h with Mars, remember when I said you’ll be focused on you lol, oh with Jupiter, it’s even more intense and heightened

Saturn-this will show the sucky but rewarding parts of the month. Saturn is always trying to teach us some lessons which is never fun. However, if you applied what you know then this is growth which is the goal right? Saturn in Pisces 5h, getting serious about your creativity projects, expressing yourself in a more fluid but serious. You know you could express more of your subconscious thoughts to others

Uranus-the shocking and I didn’t see that coming moments for the month. Where you will want to progress. Uranus Taurus 7h, you may have a different outlook on relationships, meeting someone unexpectedly, unexpected money or buying something you didn’t think you would where.

Neptune- your subconscious thoughts for the month, only you will see this side of you. Neptune Pisces 5h, diving into unknown territory with dating, your dreams, new locations.

Pluto- transformations that we go through this month. Saturn is the hard but rewarding lessons while Pluto is the lessons that damn near breaks us and put us in a fetal position while crying with a blanket over our head, but he transforms us(up to us if it makes a good or bad one). Our fears and traumas live here so it’s not easy to go through. I don’t need to put an example here since it’s our chart ruler.

If you want to see how this plays out, keep a journal and just document the important parts that resonate with you that month. Then go back and look at your lunar chart and start connecting the dots. I would recommend to look at your lunar chart at the beginning of the month then relook at the end to see the storyline of that month in the chart. I’ll bet you 5$ you’ll be blown away!

I’m open for readings!

[thistransient]

Halfway through July, and I have neglected to write my yearly birthday introspection, although it did occur to me that between my birthday and the new year I was in fact doing two introspections a year anyways.

For certain reasons I've been waffling about it, but it's also quite nice to be able to look back and compare with the previous year, to see what's changed (sometimes unexpectedly) and what's still the same. Last year I mentioned I "made a close friend [...] and disentangled myself from a draining relationship", but in the end I had been drawn to said friend because he was the polar opposite of the person I was disentangling myself from, and while a different extreme might have been refreshing in the moment, that too was unsustainable in the long run. I think what finally dragged me out of the cycle of too-clingy/too-distant nebulous just-friends-but-what-if sort of relationships was twofold: I started going to counselling with a goal (not the usual "I feel like I'm having a breakdown so I'll see a therapist for 3-6 months before ditching"), and also got into a communal hobby such that I was able to make casual friends and attend regular and diverse events with a time limit (rather than laser focusing on one person and relying on them for all my socialising).

A year ago I said I was feeling adrift, goal-less, and filled with the sort of summer malaise inspired by the scorching Taipei weather this time of year. Unfortunately we are still rather scorched. The temperature and UV levels somewhat put a damper on my usual practice of walking around outside looking at things. On the positive side, I did struggle through the adrift-ness and applied for one (1) grad school program over the winter, which I didn't get into but I did learn that I feel better when I'm working on something, and I was also motivated to finally take Taiwan's Chinese proficiency exam to open up my options for the sort of programs I could try for in the future (I passed a level higher than I expected to, and it was great to feel acknowledgment of my competence at something I'd really put long-term effort into). After the grad school rejection I started planning the trip to Ladakh, which allllmost felt like it involved a similar level of paperwork and fuss- and actually pulling that off in the end (ok, even tho this was after my birthday) despite all my fears and anxiety (particularly around travelling post-transition) was also a great confidence boost. (For a week after I also had this frantic urge to drastically change my life, and I can't tell if it wore off with time or if the heat simply drained out all ambition beyond staying out of the sun and sitting in front of the fan eating cold dragonfruits.)

I have at least two proper goals now, and although one may require starting over entirely from an educational standpoint, as they say, "the time will pass anyways". On my bike rides at night I do tend to start pondering what shall become of me, creeping along in the years but being no closer to permanent or even temporary residency status than any other time I write about it either wistfully or with well-intentioned but otherwise ultimately futile determination, nor feeling like I am useful for any sort of capitalist pursuits. (I suppose this is the part of reflection wherein things have stayed the same, and we must stay tuned for next year.) But I also believe I have made some progress in deflating a little the omnipresent catholic guilt at simply existing, not to mention the adjacent notion that enjoying life a bit and not being maximally miserable at all times is a SIN. By this I mean I have gone twice now to a nice hair salon to let a beautiful woman shampoo, condition, and also give me a haircut that doesn't bear a strong resemblance to a bichon-frise immediately after.

All in all, I would say the verdict is incremental improvement. (Okay maybe I'm also racking up incremental nerve damage from all the shibari but you win some you lose some.) My housing/employment/visa-running status hasn't changed dramatically but I feel more hopeful and kinder with myself. I think my Chinese reading speed has kicked up a notch. I've managed to keep the instant noodle consumption under control. I've sent a lot of postcards on my quarterly trips, which are generally well-received. I have taken great delight in growing many plants in the window cage (whether they survive is another thing, RIP to the tomato plants while I was away, bravo to the basil that miraculously rehydrated from what seemed to be a completely unsalvageable state, sorry to the lemon tree sprout that was apparently doing fine on its own before I came back and over-watered it to death). Things feel kinda okay, and I used to be quite suspicious of this because surely they were only going to get worse again, but these days I figure hey, even so, might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

[drivemysoul]

Happy birthday and I love you so so so so so much taylor

my birthday is the 27th i’m just having my yearly breakdown every single day leading up to it like i have since i was 8

[ellynneversweet]

Okay so I had to figure out the dates for the Mercy Thompson books, because how can you know what to include in fic for an urban fantasy full of werewolves and fairies and witches oh my(!) without knowing which eras would have characters using bluetooth? For the record, therefore, here’s the year estimate breakdown using pop culture references:

Mercy’s birthday is 20Nov, which works out circa a 13Feb conception (Marji would get pregnant on Valentines Day, though. She’s romantic like that.)

 Joe Old Coyote (Mercy’s dad) was a Star Wars fan ( ANH 25May 1977; ESB 21May 1980; RoTJ 25May 1983); died shortly after she was conceived

So Mercy’s YOB could be as early as 1978, as late as 1982

Mercy’s pretty consistently referenced as somewhere in her 30s/mid-30s but doesn’t get an exact age (would be 30 no earlier than 2008). She could be playing up her age a little because she’s surrounded by immortals and she has reverse age snobbery.

As of year one/book 2 we know Twilight (book publication yearly 2005-2008; movies 2008-2012) is a thing because the resident teenager reads sparkly vampire books, which means year one is no earlier than 2005

Per Moon Called, Charles was born circa spring 1813; in Cry Wolf, which takes place simultaneously with the former, he’s referenced as almost 200, which means year zero is earlier than 2013.

In Silence Fallen, (year three) we get a reference to Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor, which means year three is absolutely no earlier than 2010 and probably no later than 2013 (although Mercy could be behind on her tv watching. She’s a busy girl). But 2010 calculating backwards would put year zero in 2007, which is too early.

So, in conclusion:

1. Moon Called takes place absolutely no earlier than 2008 and no later than 2012.

2. Joe didn’t get to see RoTJ and probably didn’t even see ESB on account of driving his damned truck too fast being killed by vampires, rip bro.

3. There’s also the official timeline, which doesn’t give an exact calendar year but does give months, and, incidentally, confirms that Mercy has broken an arm three times, dislocated a shoulder at least once, broken a leg, broken her neck, broken her nose, been shot, been concussed at least twice, and been in at least three car wrecks including one she caused on purpose and another where she (probably) broke a rib so violently it straight up exited her body in the space of like, two and a half years. I’d be stressed if I knew her, too.

[badassbutterfly1987]

The Comeback by Ella Berman

Normally I would do a quick summary and copy it into my yearly book review. But this book was deeply frustrating to read because it had so much potential and just ended up being underwhelming. It's not a good sign when I end a book thinking "wait, is that it?"

CW for book: grooming and rape of a minor by their mentor figure, mental breakdown, suicidal ideation and suicide attempt, slutshaming and bullying of a teenage girl, mention of eating disorders

Plot:

Grace Turner was a child and young adult star mentored by respected director Able Yorke. On the verge of being given a film award, she abruptly had a mental breakdown for reasons unknown to the public and returned to her family. She returns to Los Angeles and Hollywood a year later.

Considering that Grace was a child actress, the content warnings above, and that this was written during the #MeToo movement, you can probably guess where this is going. So yes, Able groomed and isolated her as his personal muse, further abused her when she reached 18, and tossed her aside when he lost interest which led to her breakdown.

One would expect this to be either a powerful perspective of a young woman who had been abused by Hollywood in general and her mentor in specific, or a psychological thriller about her enacting revenge on Able and ruining his career in return. Unfortunately it doesn't really manage to be either.

The characters:

There is no one in this book that I found likable, which isn't a requirement so long as the characters are interesting or entertaining. They are, for the most part, not.

Grace is a mess obviously. She's traumatized and pushes people away even though she wants them to stay and is casually cruel while being apathetic; there is little more to her. Grace returns to Hollywood after her emotionally distant and arguably abusive mother kicks her out. It's less because she actually wants to have another go at her career or wants to face her past, and more that she doesn't know what else to do with her life.

What's her motivation? Does she want to weasel her way into Able's family while he's elsewhere directing and indirectly torment him that way? For all of five chapters. Does she want to go public with his abuse and ruin his career? She intends to but then mostly backs out until a public confrontation in the very last chapter.

She has a younger sister named Esme who increasingly shows up. She has a complimentary arc about slutshaming and bullying when being a teenage girl. The bond between her and Grace is weak but that makes sense because Grace was too busy being an actress to grow up as sisters. She's decent as a character.

Able appears in a couple flashbacks and is obviously a manipulative monster. He's apparently obsessed with making independent films as 'Art' though that's more told than shown. He's apropriately unsettling when he shows up in the current timeline but that doesn't happen until the last quarter of the book.

I can recall some of the secondary characters' names but good luck differentiating them. They are varying degrees of vapid Hollywooders and mildly supportive. It's notable that the character Lana appears in the last third who supposedly was a notable member in a previous scene and is the girlfriend of another supporting character, and I still have no idea who she is and what she did (this one could be just the fact that it took a week to slog through the entire book). There are too many characters with not enough defined personalities.

Able's wife Emilia is arguably interesting. She reaches out to Grace and seems supportive of her return to acting but her kindness increasingly rings false. She casually mentions that she once was jealous of the bond between Able and Grace. Considering that Grace dropped out within a year after her 18th birthday, this thought almost certainly occured when she was still underage, potentially early in her teen years, and she was jealous of Grace instead of being disturbed that her husband might be a groomer and abuser. It's more or else confirmed that she suspected Able's actions but was in denial because she prioritized her perfect marriage with him and their kids. So she is at least interesting.

A journalist is introduced and seems relevant for a few chapters and is brought back indirectly in the ending. She appears in two or three scenes. Like the rest of the cast, she alternates between provoking Grace and encouraging her to go public.

The way the story is told:

To help demonstrate my point I'm going to talk about Darling Rose Gold: Rose grew up chronically sick from an unknown illness until it's revealed that her mother has Munchausen's by Proxy and has been poisoning her for most of her life; she predictably goes to prison for a decade while Rose is surrounded by intermittently supportive adults. Chapters alternate between past Rose living her life and how she changes from her ordeals, and her mother's POV as she re-enters her life and increasingly strange things happen to them. It ends on a shocking and narratively satisfying note that fits the stories of both characters.

This book would have benefited from that kind of structure. Half of the chapters would be about Grace's upbringing in Hollywood under Able's care. The other half would be Grace rebuilding her acting career while facing her trauma and/or getting revenge against her former mentor.

We get continuous moments showcasing the usual awfulness of Hollywood, paparazzi, and child acting. A shame we aren't given more flashbacks demonstrating the strain on teen Grace instead of the scattered moments as current Grace floats around the narrative. Would focus the narrative and hopefully be less of a slog to get through.

The above mentioned journalist implies that there are other actresses that had similar experiences to Grace and her going public could help them. We do not meet any of these women or are told of their experiences.

There is one scene I fully praise for its effectiveness. Grace is sixteen or seventeen and has just tried to fledge out with being in a movie not produced by Able. It's near the end of filming and it's already obvious it's going to be a flop. To destress she goes to a party, tries cocaine and is almost filmed doing so, and gets into a fight with her costar where he calls her a bad actress and the reason the movie's failing while she retorts that it's because he's gay and threatens to out him(?). Because she's surrounded by strangers, she calls Able to pick her up. He takes Grace back to their hotel, comforts all her anxieties while cleaning her up, and stays by her bed until she falls asleep. This is the only scene where he is being fully supportive with no obvious manipulation which makes the knowledge that he has been and will continue to groom makes it incredibly unsettling.

That ending can be summarized as Grace confronts Able on the stage as he recieves his big film reward for two pages, and then everyone claps. What should be the Big Moment instead rings hollow. The epilogue aknowledges that this is more likely to damage Grace's barely rekindled career than result in jail time for Able. It doesn't even really damage his Hollywood career because he was already planning to retire and move away with his family.

Able's legacy is tarnished while Grace's career will be haunted by either being pitied or accused of being a liar. I guess it's more realistic than the typical vengeful narrative of this genre but it's still underwhelming.

The writing itself probably makes it a 3 star but my personal frustrations drop it to 2 stars. I'm going to give the author a little slack because this is her first novel. There is talent buried here and I hope Ella Berman grows as a writer. I will also recognize this is specifically my reaction and, going off of Goodreads reviews, other people will find it effective.

[sincelastsession]

I am triggered.

I don't want to discuss fucking personality disorders in regards to me.

I had my bullshit blanket diagnosis of bpd and it RUINED my life. Robyn fucking Belle, the CVNT that just tried to contact me and my fucking father all conspired together and pushed me into going to goddamn regions.

AND GUESS WHAT JOSHUA. THEY FUCKED ME UP SO BAD ON MEDS AND RIPPED ME OFF MY XANAX COLD TURKEY FOR 2 WEEKS AND GAVE ME MEDS I DID NOT NEED AND SHOWED A FUCKING TED TALK ABOUT CHILD ABUSE....YOU DON'T SHOW THAT IN A PSYCH WARD SETTING ESP WHEN THERE'S A LEGIT DID PATIENT AND OTHER REGRESSED PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY THE CRIMINALLY INSANE. THE NURSES AND DOCTOR THAT COMPLETELY MISSED THAT I DESPERATELY NEEDED HELP AND WAS SEIZING AND HAVING TROUBLE WALKING GOING INTO WAS A DYSTONIC REACTION THAT THE ER HAD TO DIAGNOSE

Fuck this.

Fuck.

DUDE THEY GAVE ME A MEDS I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE AS THEY WERE ON MY "DONT GIVE" LIST

They threatened to hold me down to give me that shit.

They broke my fucking brain.

All because a dumb bitch, my father. And another dumb bitch crossed my boundaries OVER AND OVER TRYING TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW DR TODD WAS EVIL AND I WAS ON TOO MANY MEDS.

I was FINE. I was HAVING MY STSRT IN JUNE YEARLY BREAKDOWN THAT LASTS TILL MY BIRTHDAY THING. I TRIED TO FUCKING TELL THEM.

This happens every year. I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS SYMPTOMS OF A PERSONALITY DISORDER DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE FUCKING BPD.

Yes Dr. Todd said "you may have a personality disorder but everyone does"

You do too.

We all do to some degree.

But DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT LABELS AND THEN TOSS A LABEL AT ME

Fuck

Like REALLY?

Yes. I wasn't mad earlier but now I am.

I am mad because I can see exactly what's going on here and the little track we're on that sooooo many therapists have seen and gotten WRONG.

I can't just have the clusterfuck of issues and talk about them. Oh wait they're imaginary and made up according to my family and now you my therapist.

Everyone wants to diagnose me. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

I am so SICK of this shit.

I would rather go out to the parking lot and have a screaming match than sit there and fucking fawn and mask.

Then there's no availability for an appointment.

Why take on a patient if you have no time to see them once a week?

Like you think I can't see you and I don't notice that you have your own issues you should work on before you make your cognitive distortions about me?

Because you're WRONG.

Everyone has been WRONG.

I have tried so fucking hard for over 25 goddamn years to be understood and still no one gets it.

And no I'm not stoned. I didn't smoke this evening.

Like I've been dissociative since I was a tiny child a toddler.

I used to put myself in autopilot and goddamn I wish I could harness that again but NO my issues just got worse because I'm apparently a target for SICK FUCKS

I literally don't think you even want me as a patient.

You're frustrated with me about something that I have 0 fucking control over my speech my speech my voice it's always fucking wrong everything about me is always so fucking wrong.

Mom and dad hate me my sister hates me And it shit I can't do anything about

The amount of resentment that my parents in my family in general hold for me is outrageous and I'm sorry that you didn't get to see the real version of my fucking family.

And yes I'm being a fucking bitch and yes I am reactive as hell. I'm aware I am so fucking aware as much as I can possibly be.

But no I do not see whatever else sees because they are only looking at surface level shit.

You know a long time ago pretty much any mental illness was considered schizophrenia

And they did studies and they've learned things about the brain and they're still doing that because the brain is a big mystery jello

I do not think diagnosis are bullshit

I mean dude yes they had to make them up because not everybody can be diagnosed as schizophrenic when they don't exhibit all of the symptoms of that

Why even have ADSM book and say that it's all made up and you don't like labels but you have the ability to diagnose people that doesn't make any fucking sense to me

And it's aggravating Joshua because I don't hate you at all I'm just pissed off. I don't understand why everybody has to pick at what's wrong with me.

I see a fucking psychiatrist. I saw one before him who was much better but unfortunately he is dead and I will never have him back.

I am screwed I am so fucked.

Because if we're going down the little path I think we're going down I'm going to exit.

Unfortunately all I can do is observe and find out if that's the pathway are going down and no I'm not going to elaborate because I need to find out for myself if this is a good fit.

And I don't think you know enough of me or about me.

I am more than happy to work on things and work on goals but you know some of the verbage you use towards me doesn't seem very fucking thought out it just seems like you're pulling things you learned in clinical studies and conferences and from past experiences of yours and you're trying to apply that to me like you're trying to apply it like a blanket

I don't fit under the blanket

That's what you need to understand

I am not like your other patients

I'm also very fucking triggered because you're reminding me of Robin. I'm not sure what it is exactly but it's triggering the shit out of me.

I don't like it. It's giving cope team at the ER.

I really don't think that there's anything wrong with me just completely having a fucking bitch festival on my fucking online journal.

You do understand that I'm still trying to trust you in general right?

That's one reason I am not ready to do the EMDR other than the fact that I need to move and do some other things first.

And yes I'm worried that you're going to read all of this and get pissed off and drop me as a client.

And that will basically fuck me over.

But you told me I could be mad and that you didn't care so here we are.

And you don't have a clue about my fucking mother and why I had that reaction.

She did that shit on purpose and you didn't see the smirk on her face. The classic narcissistic ass smirk that they get when they know that they are causing someone distress.

She loves to play tit-for-tat

Everybody in the fucking family can tell you about her bullshit because she has to be the victim in every scenario.

And honestly I'm still baffled about how my father acted like he never did anything wrong ever and acted like a normal human being and then you tell me it's safe for me to talk to him and he starts screaming at me in the fucking parking lot just completely switched his personality and flipped out at me and continues to do so and continues to beat me down and cut me down verbally every time I have a fucking phone call with him I feel like a goddamn burden because he wants to get off the phone and doesn't want to hear from me or talk to me or know anything about my life

So why in the fuck do these people say that they care but then they treat me like absolute goddamn garbage. Riddle me fucking that.

Because what happens is a cycle of using and a cycle of abusing.

And I'm not happy that I'm back in contact with everybody

I wish that I could just not talk to these people I wish I didn't care about them in order to do that

I do not fucking understand how people in general are so clueless and fucking rude and thoughtless and selfish And judgmental and they can't fucking practice what they preach. And when I tell them about themselves and I mirror them and they see themselves in me they don't fucking like it and they attack me

And I don't do it on purpose that's just something that happens when I talk to people sometimes

For instance somebody asked me a question the other day and they did not get the answer that they apparently wanted

So I got a full paragraph about how I'm a stupid fucking bitch.

I was only trying to be helpful.

So much for trying to be a good person because no good deed that I ever do goes fucking unpunished.

And no that's not a cognitive distortion I am fucking punished every single time I tried to do something nice for somebody or even myself.

And honestly if I could go back to my last EMDR therapist and continue to work with her or if I could go see the therapist that my friend in Lafayette sees I would but I can't afford that.

And maybe I'll calm down when we actually get to the EMDR

Because right now I'm really fucking tired of things being noticed about me as if I didn't fucking already know

I get irritated because I get bitched out about run on talking Or hyperverbal processing out loud

And I can't help that shit

If I could have helped that shit I would not be in fucking therapy anymore because I wouldn't be abused for that or maybe I would be in therapy because it would find something else wrong with me to fucking torture me about

It also sort of pisses me off that the things that I write down are just skimmed

And yes the journalist for me but you also have access to it so you can learn things from me and I don't think skimming is going to help you learn things from me as well as actually just you know reading what I have to say

But I'm a speed reader as well so I do understand to an extent but when you are a treating of impatient and they are writing very long things for you to read so you could understand them better because you have a very short time schedule block for them to talk to you in person it's really aggravating for the patient

And I'm sure it's really aggravating for you to have to read my very long journal or even trying to read it because yes it's unhinged

I'm doing this for my own well-being

I also don't understand why I see people who have worse problems than me get treated betterNot specifically by you but just in general I will be out in the general public and somebody will be like oh I have this sad bitch disorder and everybody's like oh no let's give you all the attention let's love on you let's just fucking suck your ass

And you know what it is you know what I figured out it fucking is it's always the skinny BPD girls that cut themselves and are covered with tattoos and have split dyed hair or whatever the fucking new trend is

It's people like my fucking sister

I mean honestly you do need to remember that I am autistic telling me that I'm not are saying that it might be something else is invalidating the fuck out of me

My psychiatrist and my PA absolutely know that I have autism.

I have gone undiagnosed my entire fucking life and Doctor Todd finally figured it out. And I got relief from knowing everybody was always on my ass bitching me out about why I was seeking that diagnosis because it makes all the sense in the goddamn world.

It does it mean that I don't have a personality disorder or some sort of disassociative disorder or I don't know just sad bitch disorder because I've been traumatized my whole life but I do have autism.

And I'm not ashamed of that's part of who I am and I don't appreciate when people come along and fucking invalidate me

I'm almost 38 years old and I was seeking answers and I'm still seeking answers because there are a lot of things going on with my health and they have always been going on with my health.

Why in the world would you fuss at me or bring up whatever the fuck you want to use term wise because apparently I can't ever use the right God damn words and people take things so God damn personally when I'm just trying to be direct and express myself

And it's hypocritical because everybody else fucking does this too whether they are neurodivergent or not.

And you know what it's so fucking funny to me that elystic people think that they don't have anything wrong with them and they don't have anything to work on and shit like that when it's just so obvious that they have so many complexes and so many little insecurities and issues and I can spot it a fucking mile away

Put fuck me for bringing up the past which I'm going to have to bring up an EMDR anyway

I'm not trying to live in my past I go over my past because there's important points to it which seem to be missed

I don't really know how to fucking communicate with therapists anymore.

The amount of trauma I have had from therapy and everything else medical in my life is insane

And I am mad and I do feel fucking threatened

And maybe I won't be mad tomorrow and maybe I'll get the fuck over it but right now I am pissed

I'm just tired of being seen as some sort of problem

Do you know what's that like I'm sure you do some extent

But have you been seen as a problem since you are diagnosed with health issues as a small child and you were no longer viewed as healthy baby

And your parents started to reset you right then and there and started the passive neglectful parenting and the helicopter bullshit which was pointless because why helicopters somebody and try to control every single thing they do and then abuse the fuck out of them and then ignore them and then be passive-aggressive towards them and then be dependent on them And use them and treat them like shit and then show up to my therapists office and fucking act like they're the most perfect wonderful parents on earth and then they do this little fucking song and dance every goddamn time and I warned you I told you they were gonna pull something but nobody listens to me

And nobody has to listen to me that's fine but you know if they took my advice they might be fucking better off

Ian you know what's driving me absolutely insane is because I know you from somewhere and I do not know where. It's not from therapy. It must be through someone I know because Baton Rouge is a small world. But yes it's driving me nuts I really wish I knew the connection.

It's also sort of uncomfortable because I'm sitting here going to the fuck does my therapist know that I know because I recognize them from outside of therapy and I don't know why

I still thank you should put a mirror up across from where you sit so you can see how you act when you talk to me like your body language and all that like you could look and notice you could get a shatterproof mirror that no one can hurt themselves with like those exist.

And yes Joshua yes I do self sabotage or at least that's what everybody tells me everybody loves to tell me what I'm doing but they don't actually know what I'm doing

Because people do not think to ask how I am feeling before they say things to me and make assumptions and other cognitive distortions about me

You know I never got to create me.

I was so grossly abused you have no fucking idea.

Because you don't know all of it I've only told you tiny tiny portion of it.

I don't even know if I'm going to be able to talk about all of it and process all of it when we do EMDR and I don't know if that's going to even help but I'm willing to try

But I'm so fucking angry

I mean don't you realize what happens to children when their psychosocial stages are fucked up because people abuse them during those stages

Other than the fucking pedophilia people

I remember being in a high chair and having someone shove it over and landing on the ground and hitting my head as a fucking baby

My dad got caught hitting me while he was trying to force feed me food I did not want as a small child and I don't remember that but my grandmother saw it and I believe her even though she's not here with us today

I don't even breathe correctly

And I'm not being dramatic or making some sort of metaphor with that I literally don't breathe correctly because I breathe shallow because of all the trauma I have had since I was a tiny child

I breathe quietly because I don't want to piss someone off by taking deep breaths

Did you know that if I make a huff noise because I'm holding my breath unconsciously that my parents flip out at me

I mean have you ever ridden around as a teenager smoking blunts in the back of a shitty car while your best friend's baby daddy and his best friand are selling crack

How many times have you had a gun pointed at you

How many times have you sat there and watched your best friend shoot up drugs and know that you can't do a fucking thing about it other than sit there and keep watch and smoke a joint because you don't want her to die but you can't sit there having a fucking panic attack so you might as well get stoned and fucking watch turn and make sure she doesn't die

And then she went and fucking died

She's dead and I can never have a best friend again that will ever feel the same

And if you think that I don't see all the stupid things that I have said and all the things that you probably want to point out you're wrong

I know I'm fucked up. Why do you think I've stayed in therapy for so long other than pure pressure from my parents just constant even though they won't seek help for their unresolved behavioral issues

It's really not fair nothing in my life has been fucking fair

And I'm watching my father die slowly and it's heartbreaking because he's so fucking abusive but he was also at times a decent father

The amount of mixed fucking emotions I have about that is immense

And then learning about how my mother is just a compulsive fucking liar and has hidden so much from me

And then having a sister that thinks I'm some sort of dumbass who constantly lies to me about everythingAnd who is having a complete fucking breakdown

She needs to go on a 72 hour hold so badly and if I ever hear Her say I Want To die again I Am going to call ems in it's going to piss off the entire family but guess what I'm So Sick of hearing it do you Know how many times She said it

She's been saying she wanted to die since fucking middle school

I do not care if she's only saying it out loud as an intrusive thought

Because that's bullshit when you say that that many times you're asking for help

And her brain is so adult from all the things that she's been doing that are not good for her chemically

I can't even fucking have a conversation with her without her starting some sort of weird argument and escalating it and it making 0 sense and giving her a reason to throw a fucking tantrum and take her anger out on me

And then when people confront her about things that they're worried about she just blows it off and pretends that it doesn't exist like complete fucking denial and lying straight to your face and all of that and then she will lash out at you if you don't fall for it

I've never seen someone so fucking insecure

You know I had to have her go stand in front of a mirror and tell herself nice things the last time she had a huge mental breakdown and wanted to die because her ex-boyfriend was sleeping and she called his phone over a 100 times frantic till I had to take her phone away from her and hand it to my mom so she could hold on to it until my sister calmed down

But how in the world did this happen well she was dropped off over at my apartment because my father her father could not fucking deal with her

And I thought that she was going to come over and hanging out with me I didn't know she was having a fucking breakdown

And then her best friend that she fucking neglects who is a wonderful kid came over and it was the girl's birthday and the girl brought cake that her grandmother made and my sister was having such a freak out that she refused to eat she refused to eat she refused to spend any time with her friend and was just in the bathroom smoking weed in my apartment over and over and over and over and over again frantically and calling all of her other friends that she doesn't even talk to anymore because they got tired of her shit

And I would love to tell her that they're not friends with her anymore because they could not stand her behavior and she bitch and bitched and bitched about when she had falling out with them because they flat out told her the truth and she didn't want to hear It

The truth is she is insecure and angry and hurting and she won't let anybody help her open up and release her emotions and feel her feelings she just builds up and explodes or she instigates shit so she can explode

It's literally the classic cry for help and I can't do fuck about it

I fucking warned everyone I told them that this was going to happen but they didn't believe me

I'm not trying to control people when I tell them what's up

I have a knowing

I always have.

And people don't like to hear about that because they don't believe in things like that and they think I'm crazy and that's fine I don't care

But sometimes I just fucking know things

The amount of things that I have predicted is like fucking unprecedented and I'm talking about like within my family and groups of friends and just life in general of mine

And I don't need anybody to tell me that it's not real and it's a trauma response in all of that crap because yes it's totally possible just like me having a personalities disorder it's just so totally possible but you know what I don't want that on my fucking chart

And I don't need anybody to tell me that it's not real and it's a trauma response in all of that crap because yes it's totally possible just like me having a personalities disorder it's just so totally possible but you know what I don't want that on my fucking chart I do not want it on my chart

Do not fucking put that on my chart

I will be happy to investigate it with you and work on it if I do have something going on because I said that therapy that I was curious to know about anything going on with me and I meant it

Am I happy about this subject fuck no it's a very source subject for very good reasons

I'm so fucking tired and I fucking hate it here

I just want to go somewhere for at least 2 fucking weeks and have a nice time and have 0 problems and get some goddamn rest

What's there's nowhere I can go and I can't fucking afford it

I don't even know if I can afford to put gas in my car to go figure out this fucking clusterfuck situation about why in the hell was my anxiety medicine not called in

I really really really do not want what to have to go to the fucking ER and get treated like I'm drug seeking because my Doctor won't fucking respond or talk to the pharmacy and refill my script

They never fucking refilled it from last visit I spoke to the pharmacist today he looked at the computer system

I thought did I was losing my fucking mind but no they are inept

So now I have another stupid thing to deal with and my psychiatrist is like paranoid that I'm going to have horrible problems using medical marijuana and taking my anxiety medicine that I've taken most of my life and I know more about than probably most doctors at this point

I mean Doctor Todd knew the man that developed the drug. He was very cool. He broke down all the information about that medication to me. He checked me every single month when I would go in to have an appointment

There was never an issue.

Now klonopin I can't have that. That makes me violent and an absolute monster. And I completely lose my memory when I take it which I don't anymore.

And value volume never did a fucking thing for me except make me have the opposite reaction and rage like I was on steroids and it was bad

I mean we have tried everything medically to get a hold on my anxiety and you know what we all go back to every single time after the Doctor tries to take me off the medication and put me on all these other things that they think are going to fix me

They put me right back on the xanax because you know why because it fucking works

It may not work super duper strong but I am on a lower dose than I should be on

And I decided that I'm not going to fight my psychiatrist about that I have told him that when I was on 4 mg a day to take as needed that I did just fine And I was a lot less stressed out and I didn't talk like I talk now

I mean did you ever think that I might just be a fucking nervous wreck with ADHD and autism and complex PTSD and OCD and those are just all combined causing me problems and I'm in 2 flare-ups of 2 of those conditions at the same time and I'm being abused and I have a fucking nightmare neighbor

No I don't really think it's the personality disorder right now

I mean I was told by an expert that I do not have your classic little personality disorder she told me and she was one of the head people at the PTSD facility 4 veterans up North She fucking told me that it was a trash diagnosis and I did not have that she told me that I had been misdiagnosed and I had complex PTSD from severe abuse

And then Doctor Todd confirmed that

Because I had never told him about any of the abuse and horrible things that happened to me because I was just going there and being treated for severe anxiety and panic disorder which I do have and it is hell I can't even fucking sleep unless I take my medicine

Even if I do take my medicine I still have problems sleeping

Imagine there's little dreams you have right before you fall on just deep sleep where your whole body jumps because it feels like you're falling right

Well imagine that happening over and over and over and over again and being awake for 4 days straight until you flip out and your mother has to take you to the fucking hospital so they can diagnose you with something and solve your problem and then your dad finally agrees to send you back to your psychiatrist and pay for the appointment that you can't afford because you're paying him money for living at your friend's house

You know it's not like I didn't give my dad rent money or money in general throughout my life

Everybody thinks that I'm just trying to be dependent on my parents for money or trying to use them for money and I really don't fucking care about money that much other than we need it to survive

They literally get paranoid that I have some sort of ulterior motive

I get treated like a supervillain

I get treated like fucking dog shit on someone shoe

So of course I'm reactive of course I'm reactive abusive yeah I probably have a million things wrong with me you're probably right about everything let's just make all the therapists right let's just diagnose me with everything how about that

You know the darkness is I do have I am not trying to make excuses when I say oh that's probably what's causing this issue

That doesn't mean that I don't think that the issue can be helped

No some of it I really do not see the end of the rainbow with that

But some of it yes I can see that it can be helped

And nobody seems to think about the possible neurological things going on that aren't the other diagnosis

Like I've said I never wento a narrow psych and got evaluated because I can't fucking find one that takes medicaid that will treat me like a fucking Human instead of some sort of oddity

My entire life I was paraded in front of doctors till I got older and put a stop to that because I had a rare disorder and everybody wanted to see it and learn about it and touch me and look at my skin and then they put me on fucking steroids which made me fat and screwed up my thyroid and screwed up my growth and fucking triggered other problems and I don't even have hands that are normal sized for my frame

[kikis-writing-world]

I need to get some personal feelings about family and shiz off my chest. You can read if you want but this is very much me screaming into the void, so feel free to scroll on. Talk of mental health and shiz inside. Dead dove don't eat

I'm the only one in my family that doesn't live within an hour drive of each other. I live about 300 miles away from them all. It gets really hard sometimes not being there for all the birthdays and holidays and events, but it's the decision I made to move here.

My sister used to live in this city when I was younger and still living with my parents. It felt like they came to visit her pretty often, hell I came with them quite a bit, but I was a kid and self-absorbed as kids are so it could be a childlike exaggeration in my head.

Several times now my mom has either cancelled a trip, or just kept putting off planning it until it passes and we don't mention it. The times I've brought it up, she tells me I need to remind her, but I guess I want her to want to come see me without having to be nagged into it?

There's an event near me happening this weekend. It's a twice-yearly event that I've been attending for over a decade that I've been telling her she would really like and have asked her to attend. Several times before she agreed it sounds like fun, but then just never came. She was adamant that she was coming this time. I kept asking if she has planned it, and she kept saying "oh yeah, I gotta talk to your father..." Well as mentioned, it's this weekend and she's not coming. Again.

I had a really bad time of things this last weekend. I was sick, my boss was angry at me over stuff, I was miserable. I had a big breakdown, crying and screaming and wanting to throw shit around my house. I called my mom, and I think I scared her with how upset I was. That wasn't my intention, but I needed someone with me while I melted down. I don't really have anyone irl to help, so I called my parents. That night she tells me "I'll be there next weekend to spend some time with you."

Firstly: had she planned what she had promised, she'd be here this weekend, so that's a bitter reminder.

Secondly: I frankly said to her "no you won't." There's a family birthday plus Easter, and unless I'm about to dive into a vat of hydrochloric acid, I'm not the priority. She doesn't know I had a SH relapse 2 months ago (after 3+ years of abstaining, and I know the relapse doesn't define me but it's been that bad that I had a relapse. I'm doing better now.) but for 6 months I tried to explain to her how I was feeling so bad. There were times I said "it'd be cool if you could come visit." There were times I outright asked for help. Said I wanted my mom, said I needed company, asked for help to get my house back in order from bad depressive episodes - not that anyone owes me that, but it's hard enough to ask for help. When you ask for help over and over and keep getting ignored or shot down, you start to feel unworthy of asking for or receiving that help. There were other people who I reached out to for help. Some were there, some weren't. It was a really bad 6ish months for me.

(Not that I was asking for her to travel all that way to see me multiple times in that span. Had she come to visit once, I would have stopped asking repeatedly)

Now, she's "officially" got a plan to come at the end of the month. The birthday obviously can't be celebrated ON Easter, so first the family needs to have Easter weekend and the birthday party, and then she's going to come deal with the mentally ill, out of sight out of mind, daughter. (Also that's if nothing comes up between then and now and she cancels.)

Part of me wants to tell her not to bother. She doesn't come when I need her. When I tell her "I really need someone right now," it's never a good time. It's petty as shit, and I don't have the balls to tell her how I feel about it because she'll just pull back and I'll have an even harder time convincing her the next time I'm trying to get help.

I needed someone for months. I made it through and clawed myself out of the hole I dug. No need to rush over with a ladder now.

[madequecham]

Welp

[howdywrites]

If we don't take control of our covid numbers and I have to spend Halloween AND Nanowrimo stuck inside my house I'm going to commit ARSON!!!!

[ursa-the-stranger]

Im 18 now. Today is not my birthday, I just never made a post about it. Once I reach 21 im going to stop counting the years.

[writer-komaru]

Panic Attack comfort (PREGAME)

characters: Mikan, Chihiro, & Kagehara

Reader: pink

(Warning- Contains mentions of : Chihiro is said using he/him pronouns. Needles, murdering, distressing behairvor, and content that should not be read by people who get easily disturbed by talk of needles, killing, and The dark. The only thing I ever want to do is comfort people when they feel as though they have no one who can. So please, heed my warnings. Though, if you do need this kind of comfort right now, please, read it as many times as you need. And always remember, these characters love you, even if they are not there to physically show you. I can’t stress this enough, they love you so, so much. They will always be your greatest cheerleaders in life. Please remember that.)

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･' [ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ]'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

(Happy late birthday, Mikan!~)

~{ Word Count : 1198 }~

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» [the girl I have a crush on ] «

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“W-We’re here, sweetie. Are y-you r-ready to go I-instide?”

Mikan looked at you with her iconic meek expression, her eyes pooling with premature tears, almost expecting you to scold her or something even worse. But instead, you only looked at her with a kind and soft smile. She felt immediately at ease.

“Yeah, I’m ready when you are!”

Little did she know, you were far from at ease.

As you both got out of your car and made your way into Mikan’s clinic. And for a clinic, it was as big as, or even bigger than, a hospital! She worked here alongside countless other nurses and even doctors which she and the ultimate doctor trained themselves, with some help, of course. Ever since the new world program, she made it her responsibility to help heal people instead of hurt them. But, even though there were thousands of well trained health care professionals inside this big building, she honestly would rather herself be the only one to help you with your medical needs. Which brings you to your situation now. You have to get your yearly vaccinations, and your lucky to be blessed with the literal ultimate nurse as your girlfriend. But, you can only be so lucky. There’s a certain secret you haven’t told your girlfriend about that plaques your life every single time you accidentally see something in Mikan’s medicine bag or when you go to the doctors. And it was reeeaallly going to bite you in the ass.

Due to the fact Mikan works at the building (and even created it) you both walked straight into the rooms without needing to wait. As you sat down on the cushiony chair, the paper crinkling as you did, you felt your skin begin to crawl. You tried to faint your best “I’m definitely okay and absolutely not about to have a breakdown” expression to Mikan, who was opening her bag.

“A-All I need to do is a-administer a f-few vaccinations. O-o-only three today, thought! There I-is no reason to b-be scared!! I-I’m always c-careful to s-stay steady enough to c-cause it to b-be pretty much u-u-unnoticeable.”

You nodded, but the tremor on your body at the fact you have to have three whole fucking needles in your couldn’t be very unnoticeable. Mikan realized you were scared and slightly panicked.

“Ah! I-I-I’m sorry! I-I didn’t m-mean to scare you! I p-promise, I’ll d-do my v-very best as a n-nurse to make sure y-you are as comfortable a-as you can be!”

Reluctantly, against everything your body was telling you to do, you agreed.

She gently placed the needles next to you, along with a few packets of alcohol swabs. Your body froze. Just at the slight of those long, pointy, sharp pieces of metal made your body feel like it was being stabbed by millions of small, microscopic, needles. You began to shake again, more violently than before, but Mikan was too busy preparing the first injection. As soon as she reached a hand out to your arm, you let out a loud gasp and jumped back, luckily not falling out of your chair. Your heart was beating faster than a mouses’ as you began to hyperventilate.

“W-W-W-WAHHH!! I-I-I’M SO SO S-SO SORRY!!-“ she quickly retracted her hand, dropping down to her knees with her hands firmly together. “P-PLEASE FORGIVE ME! F-F-FORGIVE ME, READER!! I'M SO SO SO SO SORRY! I WON'T TOUCH YOU EVER AGAIN!!!”

“N-n-no I-it’s not you, it’s just…”

You bit your lip, slowly calming down at the sight of the girl below you, begging for your forgiveness almost pathetically.

“I-I’m really… scared… of needles.”

Her eyes lit up with surprise at your words. You weren’t scared of her, but of needles? But, needles are so small and they hardly ever hurt, especially when she does it. She mentally cussed at herself for saying those kinds of thoughts in her head. Now wasn’t the time to question, it was the time to relax you.

“H-honey… why have you never told m-me before?”

“I… I-I didn’t want you to worry.”

“I h-have to worry about you! It’s my d-duty as your girlfriend. N-now please, let me help you steady your breathing.”

After a few minutes of deep, calming breaths, you felt your body totally relax. Though, tears still stung at the corners of your puffy, red eyes. Mikan was quick to delicately wipe them away with a tissue.

“I-I’m very sorry about everything, honey. Do you want to get y-your v-v… um, things later?”

“….N-No…”

“Okay, I won’t do anything, or even t-touch you, until you are ready.”

You nodded. Normally, it would take a lot of willpower on your part to push yourself to stay calm so a nurse could just you your vaccinations. But this time was different. You didn’t feel like you had to do anything for the sake of others. In fact, it was the apposite way around. Mikan was the one who was making sure not to grab her needles and touch your arm when you weren’t ready and made sure to speak in a low, gentle voice. Maybe this time everything will be better.

“I-im ready. You can touch me now.”

“Y-you are? O-okay, I’m just g-going to clean the area with the alcohol swab. Is that okay?”

“M-mhm…”

“Okay, all clean. Are you okay? W-would it be too soon for me t-to pick up the n-n-needle? Ah! I-im sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest you hurry up! Please, you can slap me if you-“

“No, i-i-it‘s okay. Just please, don’t do it yet.”

Mikan nodded and grabbed the needle with skilled fingers, not moving it close to your arm, just slightly in the air.

“A-are you ready to do it? W-w-would you like me to c-count?”

You closed your eyes tight, tensing your body. At this rate, if she did the injection, it would actually hurt.

“Honey, pumpkin, please, l-look at me. Not the needle. It won't my hurt you. I won’t hurt you, I promise. I-I’ve giving thousands of people vaccinations so I’ve found the best way as to stimulate the nerves around your arm as little as possible. You will barely feel a thing. So please, can you trust me, even if just this once? I promise I will do my very best.”

With a few more deep breaths, you felt your body relax again.

“O-okay, you can c-count. I’m ready.”

“I-o-okay. D-don’t look while I do it. I’ll do it in 5….. 4…… 3…… 2…. 1….”

You and Mikan returned to your car. Your arm barely even felt sore from the injections. Mikan did even better than you had thought. It honestly did feel like… nothing. And you could tell by the look on her face now that she was putting everything she had into making you feel as little as possible. Her breathing was a bit shallow and she seemed to be a bit exhausted.

“Mikan?”

“Y-yes, honey?”

“Why not go home, cuddle, and watch a movie?”

“W-wha? I s-should be the one treating you well! W-when we get home, I-I’ll make sure to show you all the affection I-I have for you in my h-heart.”

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･' [ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ]'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

~{ Word Count : 852+ }~

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» [Icarus - Instupendo ] «

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On one late and drizzling night, you and your boyfriend, Chihiro, decided to spend your time together by staying up late to watch both of your favorite anime. After a few hours, the digital clock on your night read 1:46, signaling it was getting pretty late. But, you only shrugged it off and nestled closer into Chihiro’s embrace. This was your absolute favorite way to spend your time. Watching anime? Resting? All of these with your boyfriend? There’s nothing you wished for mroe than for more moments like these.

“Hey baby…. Yawn, It’s getting pretty late. Do you wanna go to sleep or watch a few more?”

“Hmmm, maybe just a couple. I love watching anime with you.”

“Hehehe, awww, you're so cute!”

Sooner or later, it had been a few hours after your first check in of the clock, but you were too tired to get up. It's just too comfy. Chihiro had already fallen asleep, while you were getting closer and closer to falling as well. The dim glow of the tv shone on both of your faces, allowing you to barely make out in your sleepy haze the delicate features of your boyfriend’s face. He really was the most adorable thing you have ever seen. Just as you were beginning to summon enough energy to move over and kiss him on the cheek, it went dark.

Really, really fucking dark. Like blackout curtains, solar eclipse dark. You could barely even see the covers of the bed right next to your face. Your body went as stiff as a rock, breathing growing ragged, and sweat coating your skin in wet, uncomfortable slick. Your panicked eyes darted around the room. Noises from the night rang through your head, echoing off of the shadowy walls and striking you through your heart. You let out a scream. You didn’t want to be loud as your sleeping Angel was right next to you and you knew he needed the sleep, but all your thoughts and inhibitions had left you as soon as the TV had powered off. Your frantic body shook, diving under the covers. Chihiro groaned in his sleep, slowly stirring awake.

“Hm….? Wha… yawn, is everything okay- huh? Baby? Where did you-“

Chihiro felt the tight grip of your arms around his legs, burying your face into his knees, moving into the fetal position. He suddenly snapped back to reality when he heard your sobbing from under the covers.

“Huh?! Buttercup, are you alright?! Come here, let me hold you close. Will that make you feel better?”

You nodded against him. You didn’t even have to explain your actions to Chihiro. He may not be as analytical as Byakuya and Kirigiri or as clever as Makoto, but he still was very smart. He had the power to be able to connect the dots. Judging by the fact that you only started to freak out after it was completely dark, and not while you were previously watching anime together, he assumed you were very, very scared of the dark. And this realization made him feel bad. Very, very bad. He wasn’t there for you were you first started to panic. He promised himself he would always be there for you, to help you whenever you need it, to be someone who can push you to be the best you that you can be, but here he was, sleeping peacefully while the love of his life has a panic attack. He pulled you from underneath the covers and immediately wrapped his arms around you tightly, almost a little too hard, but it worked well to ground you back into reality. As the noises in your mind stated to die down, so did your breathing.

“D-do you want me to… say some things to make you feel better?”

You nodded against his neck.

“Well, I’m here for you. There’s no need to worry about what is in the dark when I’m around. I’ll be here to protect you. And besides, there’s nothing in the dark that can hurt you. It’s just my room. I know it like the back of my hand, so when I say nothing can hurt you here, I mean it, buttercup. Why not get some sleep together this time? I’ll hold you as tight as I can so you can know that nothing can hurt you. Is… that okay?”

“Y-yeah. Thank you… thank you so much, Chihiro.”

“It’s no problem! It’s what I’m here for. To make sure to as happy and safe as you can be.”

After that, Chihiro didn’t let you go. He held you close to him the whole night until both of you fell asleep. After that, you felt a lot better sleeping in his room, even when the darkness lurked all around you. You knew that when things got scary, Chihiro would always be there to protect you. He would cradle you in his arms, hug you from behind, or if you wanted, let you sleep on top of him even though he wasn’t the tallest guy out there. As long as you felt safer, that’s all that matters to him.

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~{ Word Count : 666 }~

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» [ sorry, I like you] «

.•*. Slowed .*•.

0:09 ─〇──── 2:07

⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻

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As the sun slowly started to disappear from sight, leaving an amber glow upon everything it touched, you and your boyfriend Kagehara were cuddling on the couch together while watching the newest season of Danganronpa. You were never a big fan of the show due to its premise of killing, fourth wall breaking, and even one of your friends who tried to sign up for the show was reported as missing just a few days later. But, Kagehara was the opposite of you. He was extremely passionate about all things Danganronpa, a true fanboy, if you will. So, of course, one day as you were visiting his house like you normally do, he popped the question of watching his favorite murder show with you. And against what your Brian was telling you, you agreed.

“Eh? Why is it so dark in here? Where are you?”

As one of the characters mindlessly walked into the pitch black room, you felt a knot form in your chest. Your grip on Kagehara’s arm tightened. His eyes flicked over to you, noting your scared expression but not giving it any thought, as you both were watching something very unnerving, after all. Of course you would be scared. It was the whole point of it, right?

Just as the lights shot back on, temporarily blinding the character, another one with a hatchet jumped out and struck them square on the head, blood splattering and oozing out of the wound. Their lifeless body fell to the ground, a terrified expression permanently stuck on his face. You let out a blood curdling shriek, diving into the space between Kagehara and the couch. He jumped as well, mostly due to your sudden movement. He now knew this was a whole lot more serious than he first thought.

“Ah! My darling! Love, are you alright? There’s no need to be afraid, I’m here to protect you. See?”

He suddenly wrapped his arms tightly against your body, cradling your head in his arms. Slowly, you started to relax into his embrace.

“I-I… sniff.. I just d-don’t… I don’t want to be… killed. It’s.. it’s like, I don’t know when it could happen, and-“

“No. No, no, no, darling, there is no need to even worry about it, or even think about it. Nothing, and I mean nothing is going to hurt you. I’m here to protect you. I always will. No matter if someone were to break in or try to attack you, you can always trust that I will be there to defend you. No matter what. You are my love, the love of my life. I have to protect you, forever and always. Got it?”

Tears began rolling down your cheeks, but not sad tears. It made you feel so relieved to hear him say that, even if it was a tad off putting to hear it from the same man who ended up putting someone in the hospital all because someone put a hand on your shoulder while trying to flirt with you. In Front of him. Yep, you better believe that creep was on the ground, crying like a baby from the overwhelming pain. All in public, mind you. Kagehara was lucky to just get off with a minor slap on the wrist since he was able to tell officers it was out of defense for you. With a couple witnesses to back it up, he didn’t even have to go to court.

But anyways, he let you fall asleep in his arms after that, staying perfectly still so as to not wake you up.

“I’ll stay up to watch over you, just to make you feel extra safe, okay? I’ll be right here holding you when you wake up. Have the sweetest dreams, my darling~”

With one final kiss goodnight, you finally drifted off to sleep.

And what happens when you wake up? He is still there with tired, loving eyes, happy to see you got some needed sleep. Poor guy.

♡ /(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥’ )\

[wheelsup]

new august theme for birthday month 🥳 even though i will in fact have my yearly breakdown, it’s still leo szn y’know

[awsugar]

Mcr touring in May is like Fuck Yeah that’s my birthday month but then I remember my city doesn’t have a big enough stadium (despite there being over a million people here) for Mcr to perform at bc there too big now and I’m sad. But also, it’s Adelaide so duh, ‘course we only have local bands. Adelaide is So Fucking Tiny in the grand scheme of things

omg my birth month as well! although im going to have my yearly birthday crisis mental breakdown soon so i dont want to think about it

but yea idk ive heard that about adelaide. you guys dont even have a starbucks. shocked that theres not a large stadium there though? my city has a stadium way bigger than any of the ones they're playing and our population is only like 150k

[aces-of-the-center-court]

How would Hinata react to his S/O pretending to forget his birthday?

the story this time is based on the normal school day as I know hinata’s birthday this year fell on the weekend but after a lot of drafts, this is the final result we decided.

hope you enjoy this headcanon by mod raine & I for our little human mandarin! :)

- mod sunny.

The moment it hit 00:00 on his birthday, he’d be excitedly anticipating his yearly birthday messages from his teammates and you

So, from 11:58pm onwards, he’d be holding onto his phone and staring straight at it, eyes bright and wide in anticipation for birthday messages – ( O  v  O )

When the clock strikes midnight, birthday wishes would start coming in from his teammates, to which he’d happily respond with thanks!!! with lots of exclamation marks

Then when he finally sees you typing, he’d stiffen up and hold his breath in excitement and anticipation, only to see a different message from you instead:

You: [Alright, I’m off to bed now. So exhausted from all these work…]

……That’s it??? He would think and become so confused and a little flustered when he sees you follow up with a ‘goodnight’ message

Hinata: [Wait, aren’t you forgetting something? Don’t you have anything to say to me??]

You: [Huh??]

You: [Oh, my bad… must’ve been too tired sorry!]

He’d heave a sigh of relief and slight disappointment upon seeing this, but would understand and try to cheer himself up a little, preparing himself for your birthday wishes

You: [Love you! >//< See you tomorrow!]

A state of mental breakdown ensues upon realising you actually forgot his birthday

GAH!! Y/N doesn’t remember my birthday?? No way, Y/N has never forgotten it before!!! Does y/n not love me anymore??? Are we going to break up??? AHHHHHHHH–

He’d jump to the most extreme conclusions and pass out from shock

When preparing for school the next morning, his mind would be in a blank state – absentmindedly changing his clothes, eating breakfast, and leaving the house – until you finally call out to him when you see him at the school gate, “Hinata-kun! Good morning!”

“Oh, good morning Y/N...” In his mind, he’d still refuse to believe that you forgot his birthday

“Um! Y/N! Do you know what day it is today?” He’d anxiously hint, constantly fidgeting about restlessly

You would look at him like he was asking a strange question, “…It’s Friday? What’s wrong? Were there supposed to be some tests today?” You would respond in an effort to conceal your intention, biting back your smile while feeling slightly sorry for him seeing him look so flustered and disappointed

It’ll break your heart a little and you’d want to just tell him that you’re kidding about forgetting his birthday, but imagining his happiness when you finally surprise him afterwards will motivate you to not ruin the surprise yet. Sorry, Hinata-kun! Bear with it a little more!!

Hinata would malfunction and become a stuttering mess, “No- I mean… What I’m trying to say is- uh…” but since you had never forget his birthday before, he’d wonder if something was up with you and worriedly ask, “Um, y/n… are you alright? Is everything okay?”

Your heart would flutter a little when you see Hinata putting aside his birthday concerns for a moment and worrying about you instead, “Oh- I’m alright, got to go!” You’d hurriedly excuse yourself to class when the bell rings, afraid Hinata would catch on to something

A stunned and sad Hinata would be left in the hallway; his classmates would drag him to class later but he’d be so confused, worried, in disbelief, and sad at the same time, his soul would leave his body and he won’t be able to focus on lessons

After school, he’d drag his feet to volleyball practice and soullessly greet his upperclassmen who had told him to come earlier for practice that day

“SURPRISE!!” Your voice among his teammates’ voices would cause Hinata to jerk his head up and finally scan the surroundings – Huh? Wha— His mind would not be able to process for a bit until it finally dawned upon him that it’s a surprise birthday party!

Looking around, he would see you and immediately run to you, eyes teary and concernedly ask, “Y/N? But I thought you forgot…”

“Sorry, I wanted it to be a surprise for you…” You would smile apologetically before continuing with a cheeky grin, “Although I wasn’t kidding when I said I was exhausted from all the work last night… it really was tiring to prepare all these!”

After you tell him about how you planned and prepared for the surprise with his teammates, he would be so relieved and touched that he’d tear up in happiness while blabbering words of gratitude to you and the rest

In his outburst of emotions, he’d give you a tight hug and incoherently mutter, “Thank gudness you didn’t forghet; I was so worrid and sad and… and…” while you would chuckle at his dramatic gesture and ruffle his hair, redirecting his attention to celebrating his birthday and having him try the cake you baked

Despite how the rest of the teammates would throw the confetti from the ground on him to adoringly annoy him and the teasing he would receive from Tsukishima for being such a crybaby, it’ll definitely be a birthday that he’ll never forget.

[bbbrianjones]

tagged by @glenntilbrookgf to do this tag! thank you so much lovely, hope you are well

nickname: a lot of them revolve around my height! i get called lutin, which is a fancy way of saying pixie or leprechaun. also hyena because i have a very strange laugh. but i also get em or emmi or e which just makes me feel so loved

zodiac: cancer. explains a lot

height: 5'4. also explains a lot.

last movie i watched: bo burnham inside. and while i didn’t hate it, i certainly didn’t like it. i just don’t think it was my thing but my brother enjoyed it!

last thing i googled: ‘the rolling stones michael ward’. i’m trying so hard to find these pictures of brian from this one photoshoot and i found them so yay!

favourite musician: the dave clark five, the association, the rolling stones, DDDBMT, the church, the stone roses, the specials, split enz/crowded house, 

song stuck in my head: unfortunately it’s snake in the grass by dave dee, dozy, beaky, mick and tich. worst song ever recorded but that GOD DAMN RECORDER PART IS PLAYING IN MY HEAD LIKEIT’S A DRUG

other blogs: don’t have any. not at the moment. been thinking about starting another one but idk.

blogs following: 44. very selective with who i follow because i get really paranoid. it’s so silly sometimes i hate being me

amount of sleep: at the moment it’s only 4-5 because of thoughts. but i usually get 6-8 so there’s no need to worry babes!

lucky number: 89. i used to draw on frosted windows all the time for no reasons

what am i wearing: a yellow ‘gumnut babies’ shirt, my lemon pyjama pants (stone roses inspired as i say!), sushi socks 

dream job: froth to work in a museum! i’d love to have one of just stagewear, especially bands in the 1960s. imagine getting to hold a suit that brian jones wore... hold up. i’m literally about to cry.

dream trip: defs new zealand to go visit my two favourite people <3 england as well, just to get my yearly dose of food poisoning. also vienna, i miss her <3

favourite food: my dad’s pea and ham soup! the only good thing he has ever done for me.

play an instrument: i play the piano, and the clarinet but i haven’t touch that baby in ages. 

languages: here’s the breakdown - fluent in english and french, could hold a conversation in german, italian and swedish, knows the basic in japanese and spanish. 

favourite songs: babe. how could i choose? i’m just gonna go with my favourite song from my favourite bands. catch us if you can by the dave clark five, windy by the association, save me by dave dee, dozy, beaky, mick and tich electric lash by the church, ten storey love song by the stone roses, world where you live by crowded house, charlie by split enz,

random fact: i bake cakes to celebrate some musician’s birthdays. it was something i just did for brian but it’s slowly grown to any that i can remember. if not, i at least get a cake from the shops!

describe yourself in aesthetic things:  the colour yellow, sunflowers, draw little love hearts when bored, dancing in your room in the dark at 4 am, strawberries, the ‘pink’ version of single covers, giggling to silly pop songs, framed picture of your loved one on your bedside table, posters of your favourite band on the wall, a singing in the mirror into a hairbrush,  oddly enough this was the hardest one to answer