dirak-sea - Tumblr blog

[dirak-sea]

✨It says Faggot. that’s me!✨

[dirak-sea]

^ this girl is not well in the head

[dirak-sea]

Aquarian Age TCG card art by  Aoi Nanase (七瀬 葵), 2001/05/18

[dirak-sea]

Wow. The patience, kindness and calm communication skills. Outstanding.

From raindovemodel

[dirak-sea]

Wow. The patience, kindness and calm communication skills. Outstanding.

From raindovemodel

[dirak-sea]

Black★Rock Shooter

[dirak-sea]

Hi Mara, do you think it’s at all possible to force oneself to enjoy things one usually doesn’t, or do you think it is like chirality and one’s “natural” interests and proclivities are not subject to change? I can’t help but feel stupid and like a liar to myself when trying to live healthier, or be productive and work on myself. It’s just fake, I don’t really care, and so the good habits never stick, but accepting myself for who I am, an empty lazy slob with no real interests, doesn’t feel too good either.

Hi anonymous, thank you for the opportunity for me to yap -- I haven't gotten a good opportunity in awhile :-))

'Naturalness' is weighty and ought not have much to do with the self outside of chirality (if you are approaching it from a Maraist standpoint): all that is, is not much more than confusing shadows that are manipulated by outside actors to stimulate you and draw you in-to the performance, to keep you engaged and connected--I wouldn't believe another person if they told me they a) believe this, and b) live in accordance to the belief of this, as the best way to depart from the actors and their game is to self-depart and un-live, and the dead do not weigh in on much cept soil and dirt.

WITHIN CONFUSION, when I'd been thinking about answering this initially I'd been thinking that I can barely relate to you, anonymous, as most of the 'need' to fake interests seems to be related wholly to connectiveness and those whom we find ourselves connected to, ie: faking acceptance of political issues that match the odorous vibe of the friend group when deep-down the thought needles and smarts, or: someone you care about showing you something that immediately makes you think this is the dumbest thing I have ever seen but I want this person in my life so I'll say something warm, or etcetera; connection itself is a long smear of the self (small and insignificant like a little mustard seed amongst grain) to bury it in a greater body such that the color and timbre is lost amongst the neighbors, as the self is made to become a neighbor, and the self itself is but an echo of the word trapt in fat and mud (or, on the other hand: an echo of the mud trapt in shrill songs and migraine colors); you are, by design, made to be subject to a Gravity and pressurized down away from heaven, and away from self--that is the natural-way;

WITHIN CONFUSION, and less unnecessarily esoteric and verbose and stupid: I don't really believe in 'fixing' yourself one way or the other; I eat the same yogurt concoctions every morning because I struggle thinking of a better temperature/texture combination, but I am getting tired of it--and if I were to extrapolate this out, I think of etiquette-breaks like 'psychiatric profiles' an attempt at suggesting that "Mara will, and forever will, be a breakfast yogurt-lover" though all my life I'd been held over a candle and slowly melted into a yogurt-lover-shaped mold and been made to set that way. The issue I had with struggling to relate is, because I'm fairly lonely and private lately, I do not really have much other than myself to compare my 'likes' and 'dislikes' to. It is very easy for me to not bother forcing myself on-to a dislike, because there aren't many Gravities to pressure me lately. But that isn't completely true; taking cold showers, for instance: hated this but kept up with it; waking up at 4am and cleaning the house and exercising for at-least an hour: hated this, but now it is just an excuse for me to listen to more Stephen King audiobooks before breakfast; morning prayer, same as the morning routine. For some things it really has just been truth to me that if you are forced to adjust, you will adjust--a person can not be passionate forever in their dislikes or hates, same way a honeymoon fades; what you love will become a tired routine (me and yogurt), what you hate will become a tired routine (me and waking up at 4am and jogging), but if you give yourself breaks eventually you allow those feelings to melt and recollect and be subject to passions and not-set as routine.

My failings, anonymous: me and drawing and writing--never been able to force myself to do these; I struggle with forcing myself to abide the word and forbid myself from listening to music completely; even though I have no problem with the vegan diet itself and had a pretty solid run with it: couldn't stop obsessing over "every-thing I hadn't yet tried" and death looming over my head (as it seemed) made the dietary sacrifices seem even more painful and pathetic and done wholly out of some forced desire to be Pure and Saintly (yet on the inside begging sin and dirt no better than a lunatic rat clawing at a cupboard). On food and diet, though: I used to be obese from middle-school to high-school and basically forced myself to exercise/diet pretty strictly out of (as you said) not liking myself as a slob--and I still am driven more-so out of a desire (fear) to not be fat, not be unhealthy, not be a slob, not be ugly--because I am scared of all of those things; it was easy enough to convince myself that eating more than 4 pieces of cereal for breakfast was a gluttonous amount of food and then slowly watch my hair fall out and lose the ability to stand from fatigue--somehow that was less scary than being fat. As well, there's just a mechanical motivation from being intensely sick from diet; if I eat the wrong thing or eat too much I end up bedridden for several days from migraines (the fear imposed from this makes it hard to seek-out trigger foods).

This part isn't even slightly helpful (likely the latter parts, too) but I think regarding diet and food specifically, it helps a lot being open to liking a lot of foods and shaking out what you think you dislike. I might be super privileged there because (although I have some preferences that I stick to ala yogurt for breakfast and wraps) I mostly do not dislike any food, and can only really think of disliking artichokes/brusselsprouts (I hear they're good if you fry them in oil but that is most things..) and badly prepared liver; I love veggies and fruits.

IN CONCLUSION, anonymous, I don't think any of this is particularly good advice and I think a better thing to analyze (than what I wrote) is what you wrote to me, how you refer to yourself, and how you're laying pitfalls for yourself. This world is made to bury you in gravity and lose you in soil, smeared under layer-after-layer of connection until you're convinced you are wax over a candle dripping down into some strange form, and those confusing shadows keep on whispering and whispering and then your mind is looking up out of a mold. Are you unable to force your likes to change? Are you someone who is unable to care about improving yourself? Do you really dislike being a slob? Who are you, anonymous?

To me: you are anonymous; take care, anonymous.

[dirak-sea]

[dirak-sea]

Hi Mara, do you think it’s at all possible to force oneself to enjoy things one usually doesn’t, or do you think it is like chirality and one’s “natural” interests and proclivities are not subject to change? I can’t help but feel stupid and like a liar to myself when trying to live healthier, or be productive and work on myself. It’s just fake, I don’t really care, and so the good habits never stick, but accepting myself for who I am, an empty lazy slob with no real interests, doesn’t feel too good either.

Hi anonymous, thank you for the opportunity for me to yap -- I haven't gotten a good opportunity in awhile :-))

'Naturalness' is weighty and ought not have much to do with the self outside of chirality (if you are approaching it from a Maraist standpoint): all that is, is not much more than confusing shadows that are manipulated by outside actors to stimulate you and draw you in-to the performance, to keep you engaged and connected--I wouldn't believe another person if they told me they a) believe this, and b) live in accordance to the belief of this, as the best way to depart from the actors and their game is to self-depart and un-live, and the dead do not weigh in on much cept soil and dirt.

WITHIN CONFUSION, when I'd been thinking about answering this initially I'd been thinking that I can barely relate to you, anonymous, as most of the 'need' to fake interests seems to be related wholly to connectiveness and those whom we find ourselves connected to, ie: faking acceptance of political issues that match the odorous vibe of the friend group when deep-down the thought needles and smarts, or: someone you care about showing you something that immediately makes you think this is the dumbest thing I have ever seen but I want this person in my life so I'll say something warm, or etcetera; connection itself is a long smear of the self (small and insignificant like a little mustard seed amongst grain) to bury it in a greater body such that the color and timbre is lost amongst the neighbors, as the self is made to become a neighbor, and the self itself is but an echo of the word trapt in fat and mud (or, on the other hand: an echo of the mud trapt in shrill songs and migraine colors); you are, by design, made to be subject to a Gravity and pressurized down away from heaven, and away from self--that is the natural-way;

WITHIN CONFUSION, and less unnecessarily esoteric and verbose and stupid: I don't really believe in 'fixing' yourself one way or the other; I eat the same yogurt concoctions every morning because I struggle thinking of a better temperature/texture combination, but I am getting tired of it--and if I were to extrapolate this out, I think of etiquette-breaks like 'psychiatric profiles' an attempt at suggesting that "Mara will, and forever will, be a breakfast yogurt-lover" though all my life I'd been held over a candle and slowly melted into a yogurt-lover-shaped mold and been made to set that way. The issue I had with struggling to relate is, because I'm fairly lonely and private lately, I do not really have much other than myself to compare my 'likes' and 'dislikes' to. It is very easy for me to not bother forcing myself on-to a dislike, because there aren't many Gravities to pressure me lately. But that isn't completely true; taking cold showers, for instance: hated this but kept up with it; waking up at 4am and cleaning the house and exercising for at-least an hour: hated this, but now it is just an excuse for me to listen to more Stephen King audiobooks before breakfast; morning prayer, same as the morning routine. For some things it really has just been truth to me that if you are forced to adjust, you will adjust--a person can not be passionate forever in their dislikes or hates, same way a honeymoon fades; what you love will become a tired routine (me and yogurt), what you hate will become a tired routine (me and waking up at 4am and jogging), but if you give yourself breaks eventually you allow those feelings to melt and recollect and be subject to passions and not-set as routine.

My failings, anonymous: me and drawing and writing--never been able to force myself to do these; I struggle with forcing myself to abide the word and forbid myself from listening to music completely; even though I have no problem with the vegan diet itself and had a pretty solid run with it: couldn't stop obsessing over "every-thing I hadn't yet tried" and death looming over my head (as it seemed) made the dietary sacrifices seem even more painful and pathetic and done wholly out of some forced desire to be Pure and Saintly (yet on the inside begging sin and dirt no better than a lunatic rat clawing at a cupboard). On food and diet, though: I used to be obese from middle-school to high-school and basically forced myself to exercise/diet pretty strictly out of (as you said) not liking myself as a slob--and I still am driven more-so out of a desire (fear) to not be fat, not be unhealthy, not be a slob, not be ugly--because I am scared of all of those things; it was easy enough to convince myself that eating more than 4 pieces of cereal for breakfast was a gluttonous amount of food and then slowly watch my hair fall out and lose the ability to stand from fatigue--somehow that was less scary than being fat. As well, there's just a mechanical motivation from being intensely sick from diet; if I eat the wrong thing or eat too much I end up bedridden for several days from migraines (the fear imposed from this makes it hard to seek-out trigger foods).

This part isn't even slightly helpful (likely the latter parts, too) but I think regarding diet and food specifically, it helps a lot being open to liking a lot of foods and shaking out what you think you dislike. I might be super privileged there because (although I have some preferences that I stick to ala yogurt for breakfast and wraps) I mostly do not dislike any food, and can only really think of disliking artichokes/brusselsprouts (I hear they're good if you fry them in oil but that is most things..) and badly prepared liver; I love veggies and fruits.

IN CONCLUSION, anonymous, I don't think any of this is particularly good advice and I think a better thing to analyze (than what I wrote) is what you wrote to me, how you refer to yourself, and how you're laying pitfalls for yourself. This world is made to bury you in gravity and lose you in soil, smeared under layer-after-layer of connection until you're convinced you are wax over a candle dripping down into some strange form, and those confusing shadows keep on whispering and whispering and then your mind is looking up out of a mold. Are you unable to force your likes to change? Are you someone who is unable to care about improving yourself? Do you really dislike being a slob? Who are you, anonymous?

To me: you are anonymous; take care, anonymous.

[dirak-sea]

[dirak-sea]

All of me for all of you

[dirak-sea]

dipper and mabel bad end where they end up like ford and stan

[dirak-sea]

[dirak-sea]

[dirak-sea]

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ ~☆ Our PC angel of 17 years! ~｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

[dirak-sea]

[dirak-sea]