#and then feeling like i need to do /that/ on a regular basis
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summary: No matter what, Max loves and supports his girlfriend like a golden retriever would love a black cat.
pairing: Max Verstappen x Goth!Reader
warnings: the sweetest and purest fluff
words: 1022
a/n: daniel will always be part of my formula one fics :) also big thank you to my lovely muse @graveyardcannibal <33
MASTERLIST REQUEST RULES
The thing Max enjoys the most is staring at his beautiful girlfriend. No matter the time of the day, the light always seems to hit her at just the right angle. She could wear a trash bag and still look gorgeous in his eyes. Max really fell head over heels for her.
So it does not surprise (Y/n) at all to see his reflection in the mirror in front of her. He watches her precisely draw her eyeliner. Concentrating on the black lines is hard, when his blue eyes notice even her smallest movement.
“Get a hobby, creep“, she comments with a sarcastic undertone, still looking over her shoulder with a smile on her lips. While Max is already dressed, she still has to finish her make-up and put on the outfit, her boyfriend helped her pick out. Sometimes (Y/n) feels bad for him, keeping him waiting for her, but then she remembers how much he likes to gaze at her.
Max can only laugh at her words, leaning forward to take a closer look at all the brushes, powders and pencils. Although he watches his girl use them on a regular basis he has no clue what they are specifically for. Though one he knows: her dark red lipstick, which she is reaching for right now.
“No, wait before you put that on“, Max almost screams, caught off guard by his own forwardness. With a confused expression, (Y/n) turns towards her boyfriend, the lipstick in her right hand. The moment she opens her mouth to ask what has gotten into him, Max presses his lips to hers. This is explanation enough.
“You smooth bastard!“, (Y/n) exclaims after they part, keeping the intense eye contact with Max. He shows her a cheeky smile, then nods towards the mirror, encouraging her to finish her make-up. The lipstick is the final part. Max watches in awe as (Y/n) places a napkin between her lips to matten the dark color.
Then she turns towards her outfit that lies on the neatly made bed, right next to her boyfriend. (Y/n) gets dressed, so focused she does not notice Max standing up and cleaning up her make-up tools.
“You don‘t have to do that“, she murmurs as she turns around and catches Max inspecting her brushes. Shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly, Max zips up her full cosmetic bag. He simply loves doing everything in his power for her, from smaller tasks to presenting her yet another corset.
"Need any help, schatje?", Max asks, setting the bag aside and reaching for his girl who is struggling to lace up her newest corset. With a huff, (Y/n) turns her back to him so that he can easily tighten the corset, careful not to strangulate her. After tying a bow, Max wraps his arms around his girl and starts kissing a trail from her ear to the collar of her shirt. One of her hands wanders to his fluffy golden hair.
"Don't start what you can't finish, Verstappen", (Y/n) warns her boyfriend, reminding him of today’s qualifying race and the job he has to do. At least, she will be with him on the paddock. For her, it will be the first time there, so she is rather excited and a bit anxious.
Together they leave their hotel room and drive to the racetrack. Again and again, Max throws a glance towards his girl on the passenger seat, actually so often that (Y/n) has to remind him to keep his eyes on the street. They quickly arrive and manage to get into the Red Bull garage without much attention from cameras or reporters.
"Remember you can always go into my driver room if it gets too much. I will find you as soon as possible afterward. Have some fun, schatje", Max tells (Y/n) with a concerned expression, even more nervous about her first day on the paddock than her. Her smile comfort his nerves, the sweet kiss following tells him she will be fine. Then he leaves to do some media stuff with his teammate.
Although the last few days, all (Y/n) could overthink about where the worst scenarios that could happen, the next few hours without Max are rather pleasant. Knowing a few of the drivers already because Max invited them to his home in Monaco, she has no problem in finding someone to talk to. Daniel is very delighted to see her, pulling her into a warm hug and forcing her to do a twirl for him, showing off her black outfit. She even meets some other girlfriends, which mostly compliment her on her make-up.
Before the qualifying race starts, someone from Red Bull escorts her back to the garage, claiming Max wants to see her before the start. There is a whole crowd of mechanics and strategists around him, so (Y/n) waits till he notices her, meanwhile touching up her lipstick.
Max is already sitting in his car, when he waves (Y/n) over with a bright smile. Someone presses his helmet into her hands which she gives to her boyfriend the moment she arrives at his car. He keeps it in his laps, gazing at the gorgeous girl above him. (Y/n) leans onto the car carefully, not wanting to cause a scratch or worse.
“There you are, schatje, wish me luck“, Max murmurs. His blue eyes glisten from not daring to blink. The giggle coming from (Y/n) causes his heart to flutter like a million butterflies. He smiles dreamily.
“Good luck, Maxie“, (Y/n) whispers as she presses a kiss to his cheek, aware of the cameras on them. Taking a step back and watching her boyfriend hide his handsome face under a balaclava and finally his helmet, she catches a glimpse of a red lipstick mark on his skin. She can only smile at this little incident.
Of course, the next day there are a lot of pictures circulating on the internet. Everyone can see the admiration in Max Verstappen‘s eyes as well as the red mark on his cheek, he wears like a medal of honor. He simply loves his girl with every fiber of his being.
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Halfway through, and it's a close race with Mei Changsu in first with 19.7%, then Zhou Zishu with 19.2%, and finally Pei Huai in third with 18%.
Tag propaganda under the cut:
Pei Huai
#see i don't think mcs is like going out of his way to eat poison#poison just happens to him more often than anyone around him would like#pei huai on the other hand has means motive and opportunity by @sinni-ok-sessi
#I also immediately went for Pei Huai#he literally does this and doesn’t even have bullshit poison immunity he’s just Like That by @jianghushenighans
#polls#i chose pei hua but let's be real#it's pei hua and tang fan staring each other down and competitively doing poison shots#while a bored dong'er reads one of tang fan's wips with the bottle of antidote in one hand by @foxofninetales
#nearly voted li lianhua until i saw pei huai there#pei huai is an absolute terror in the vicinity of poison#tang fan: what have you got there? pei huai: A POISON! tang fan: NO!!!#pei huai is the spiders georg of the poison world#average person yadda yadda poison huai who lives in a cave adn drinks 10000 a day…#(ps i’m love him ❤️) by @unfortunatelycake
#polls#pei huai#my beloved mad scientist#he does it on purpose for science no duress required#but hed probably do it in exchange for a new world veggie too#he’s just Like That by @auroramagpie
#poll#the sleuth of ming dynasty#please it's (with caveats) so good#pei huai#ok i also adore ying hecong but he won't think twice about asking you to poison yourself whereas lao pei will make you talk him into it by @a-sea-with-no-shores
#i absolutely agree with everyone saying pei huai#didn't he eat a tomato or something bc he was told it was poisonous and was disappointed it wasn’t? or am i remembering that wrong by @marquisguyun
Mei Changsu
#I am forced to disagree with my esteemed colleague#on the basis that 'medicine that will give me a month of full function in return for burning out my remaining lifespan' is.#reasonably classifiable as poison. by @morkaischosen
#nirvana in fire#i mean.... he DID do that#more than once even by @acesgroupchat
#you know who I voted for#(mcs)#but maomao would get the vote has she been included#antri by @xiaojingyan-jingwang
Song Qingshi
#soooooo many strong contenders here#but i have to go with song 'i am disfiguring myself with poison on the regular' qingshi#boy is so full of poisons. he's not normal about it. he thinks he's normal about it but he's not by @noswordinourlake
Wu Xie
#there are so many poison-eaters...#but I'm choosing Wu Xie#because he gets surgery so he can inject snake venom directly into his nasal organs#no one wants him to do this#it makes them sad by @vergoftowels
Ying Hecong
#oh my god this is the hardest poll yet#the number of these who have literally eaten poison on purpose in canon....#I think I'm definitely forgetting details about pei huai based on the tags... anyway makes sense that he's winning#I picked ying hecong because I figured other people wouldn't be choosing him but he's a little freak and deserves some recognition#but truly. it's SO hard to choose here. they're all winning the 'idiot who would eat poison' award to me by @silver-grasp
Li Lianhua
#lmao#i voted li lianhua#it doesn't need an explanation#he literally ate something he was allergic to that he considered poison#because it wouldn't affect him bc of the bicha poison#but tbf most of the characters i know on this poll would#zzs definitely would#mcs would if it furthered a plot of his#i know three others by name only so i can't judge by @fire-burning-brighter
#llh literally ingests poision and knockout drugs constantly#they dont effect him but its amazing how many people you can convince when you can just hit poisions whenever#feel like he ingests at least one (at least semi-) toxic substance every plot arc by @fealiniel
Other
#my mind immediately went to Apothecary Diaries#maomao#jinshi#the apothecary diaries#but applies to MCS too i guess 😂 by @indelibleme
#I feel every single one of these is i_cant_read.png at the sight of a warning label#if they're in the mood#see also:#yu she and zhong wan from 'those years in quest of honor mine'#yu she in particular has never seen a toxic item that he didn't immediately stuff in his mouth while maintaining deliberate eye contact by @woolasaur
#i think it's gotta be wei wuxian#especially emphasizing the part where he does it for Science#and then spits it out by @dripping-moonlight
AITA for preventing my friend from eating POISON?
They claim that it's for science/to mess with people/it just looks so tempting!/don't ever give me an explanation, but I don't think it's wrong to ask them not to literally poison themself? However, they've told me that it's 'enrichment' and I'm a 'spoilsport'. So AITA for stopping them?
Write-ins, propaganda, and images are welcome!
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it's ridiculously hard not to just post every gifset i've been hoarding in my drafts from this last week but listen we're slowly staggering them out so i feel more productive for longer.
#i was taking a break and then got one of those manic episodes and churned out a lot#but i want to slowly put them out so i feel like i've accomplished a lot instead of chucking them into the abyss immediately#and then feeling like i need to do /that/ on a regular basis#so maybe it can help coax me to slowly make more and just get on a schedule or something#helps when i don't really have the time to do anything#personal
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#at some point i am going to have to admit#that working two jobs one of which is full time#plus trying to work out 6+ times a week#plus writing about 10k a month#plus trying to like. have a social life and see partners on a vaguely regular basis#is actually not feasible#there are only so many hours i can shave off my sleep#and then i get into an endless spiral of spending because i feel burnt out and anxious#which means i end up in more debt#and then i have to work more freelance shifts#and the whole cycle continues#but also i can’t relax because goblin brain must be constantly Doing Things#please i need some kind of stasis pod for a month#it would fix me i think
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nooo im so nuts about them im so unwell thyere best friends yoruor honor
#this is about knux and sonic btw do not derail#I LOVE THEM#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i feel like it needs to be said that they also bash each other's head in on a regular basis#FRIENDSHIP
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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i need to vent i'm sorry dear god things are so bad
me when the conservative candidate is voted in (which is not a surprise bc i live in a conservative area but still) and this guy has exhibited pedophilic behaviour in the past and is a proud gun/army fanatic. i'm gonna fucking die.
and the conservatives in my province this year have been the most aggressively and openly transphobic main political party we've ever seen nation-wide, and it is looking like theyre either going to win majority or them and the other party are both going to be minority gvmts together and both of those options are Bad bc conservatives are going to have so much power either way. unless somehow the other party manages to juuust pull ahead enough to make up majority but it... isn't looking that way. and that's just coveirng the transphobia, theres been so much racism and other shit going on too, i'm really really scared !! esp w the fe.deral election coming up next year !!!
i feel extraordinarily unsafe rn esp with some local politics from earlier this year w someone in a position of power in town (i have to be so vague otherwise its going to be way too easy to look shit up and place me on a map lol, im already pushing it as is) and it was horrifying and seeing so many ppl be apathetic to it is just. so scary. i'm scared !!
also i have to wait for another two days for the welfare ministry to call me (stressed all day long from 8-5 bc idk when theyre going to call me) and if they do not call me by the end of tuesday then i have to phone a couple ppl and ask what to do bc they're supposed to call me to do the eligibility interview within two weeks of submitting my application. and by this tuesday it'll have been two weeks. i'm so unbelievably stressed dsfjkl i've been nauseous so much lately bc of the anxiety. and i dont cry very often but god almighty i've been crying every couple of days these past two weeks bc i'm just so exhausted and stressed and at the end of my rope fdsjkl
also my mother is being really scary lately and i can't do anything about it except keep my head down and just hope she eventually stops this shit
anyways i am not doing well ! feeling like everything is sort of closing in on me :''''))) idk what to do about it bc nearly everything that's causing me overwhelming amounts of stress is out of my control so i just have to keep clinging to life with the tenacity of a cockroach. but i'm really tired of it 😭😭😭 and i just. would like to be safe? i guess? that's such a silly notion though fdsjkl i do not ever get to be safe so it is silly to want for that. i think mostly i just want things to go back to being tolerable fsjkl i am... reaching the crisis limits beyond my real limits, to be entirely honest.
#sorry im sorry fdsjkl i am very sorry for this vent holy moly i am just so fucking scared rn#i would like things to calm down and be okay but auuughhhh life does not want to let me have that !#im going to . idk what to do tonight. i want to curl up in bed and just cry but its too early to get into bed fdsjkl#idk if i can draw though bc im so nauseous. idk what else to do. i can't focus on any art making bc i am ... panicking i think?#very funny that i describe like. semi-regular occurrences to mental health professionals and they tell me ''uh thats a panic attack''#and i go huh? but this happens on like a weekly basis. and i dont feel like its really all that bad like im not audibly hyperventilating#i just dont ... breathe much for a while. and its hard to focus on anything bc i feel like my brain is screaming#but i thought that was just regular anxiety 😭😭😭 my scope of ''normal'' is so hopelessly skewed arghhh#I NEED TO STOP TALKING SORRY. i am going away from here now. i really genuinely just needed to scream into the void for a minute#dandy.cmd#vent //
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being the youngest person on my team by like 10 years sometimes is REALLY obvious because everyone is talking about home construction and high school kid sports and stuff and my weekly update is “I got a Razor scooter and some new glitter paint”
#sometimes they totally forget I’m this young bc we’re never on video and I’m not volunteering a lot of personal updates bc of reasons#but when I do it’s really funny bc I’m like#‘I learned how to make stir fry today’#‘I beat a raid in this video game i play’#‘I got a razor scooter’#‘the dog now fetches the cat toys so I don’t have to bend down and pick them up’#‘I tried mangos for the first time’#‘yesterday I learned what ferries are like’#‘this weekend I took photographs of local moss’#and everyone else is like ‘my daughter is home from college’ ‘I have my first grandchild’ ‘the hurricane blew away the port a potty from our#house construction site’ etc etc#personal#someday I’m going to be fully dressed in an actual outfit and do a little makeup and then be on our weekly long team meeting and everyone’s#going to be like YOU’RE Katherine???? You’re what Katherine looks like? you have pink hair and you’re like 17????#and I’m going to be like well I mean I’m not THAT young but yes I do wear like. young person clothes#I get ’you’re so optimistic!’ from some of them on a regular basis and I’m like#well you see I learned that if I’m not optimistic I will die#and also the world is REALLY FUCKING COOL when you’re not terrified of the world all the time#so frankly I think I’m right to be#I think you maybe need juice and a rest and a bigger support system and then maybe you’ll feel a lot better#meanwhile I’ll be a cheerleader hard enough for both of us
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made it thru my first month at work so i get to be hybrid now! this is great-- i will have 2 days a week to do my PT and walk instead of wheeling. i am getting to use the creative part of my brain and skill set, which is also great! but the part i am laughing at the ceiling the most about is that i get to facilitate disability etiquette training for all three of my previous orgs!! pls laugh with me :))
#i literally only make it thru my life#by being The Bigger Person#in every aspect except that i am tiny#but god it's gonna be so satisfying to do this for:#a job that paid me the least on staff as EA to the CEO#the one where [musician guy] used me for podcast research#and a group of girls who asked me things like#'can u have kids tho??' on a regular basis#genuinely i feel so good abt everything in my life#i just need to find a man to lift things and braid my hair#(this time of year on my timehop is BAD)#tbd tbd tbd
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Tumblr talking about making its site the same algorithmic slop pile as every other social media bc the users migrating here are too soft brained to curate their own feeds
#You dont understand tumblr is the only site that im able to use bc its not algorithmic slop#I can barely use youtube anymore bc i will get trapped in the vortex of shorts and suggested videos#I like tumblr bc unlike instagram twitter etc it allows you to create your own feed rather than force feeding you random posts#But lately it HAS been doing that & staff just released a statement basically amounting to ''new users are too confused so we're gonna pad#everything out'' corpspeak for ''we need to make the twitter refugees feel more at home by copying their dogshit falling apart site''#Tbh i actually enjoy tumblr as a much more niche site i think that by making other ppl realize its just a regular ass blogging site theyre#gonna clog it all up more than it already is. Not like it isnt already crammed to the gills with reactionary assholes#Like the reasons i stopped going to twitter was A. stupid bullshit like locking me out 4 no phone number and B. people driving me insane#I do NOT need the people that would trigger my mental illness on a nightly basis coming here to spread their spores#Namely the dramabrained weirdos looking for problems in everything and reactionaries that already exist here but will proliferate#Tumblr ALREADY isnt doing jackshit about t€rves or fash why the fuck would they do anything about a massive influx of them#Sorry i needed to bitch a little. Love this site but also hate the web3.0 philosophy of dumbing everything down#When are we crawling back into the primordial sea we came from (neocities and forums)#emf
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hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well
(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)
#i'm so angry#thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all#how long have i suffered for no reason#because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit#...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently#but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over#and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context#and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset#and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five#because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school#i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down#and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do#and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset#and several other things#and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :)#just slightly more professionally#NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her#and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty#and why i felt so drained after even a short shift#but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train#and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me??#but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week#and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing#but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously#considering he's been our family doctor since my birth#and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either#jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me
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#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere#like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness#but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those#people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you#and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me.#I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do.#it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all#you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point#where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being#trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point#but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest#hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger.#but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do?#if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am#an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying#over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or#neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end#then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right?#but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable?#I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!!#sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week#In the Vents#ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™#anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted
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disordered eating content in the tags skip it if it’s no bueno :-)
#tmi disordered eating content but#sure would love to be able to take a day off laxatives#and would love to be able to eat a meal and not get rid of it#just realised this has been happening mostly on the daily for like two and a half years#it’s so insane it’s so insane#full of shame about every inch of myself + my life#there is so much that needs to change and probably only therapy is going to do it but to do therapy i need a job#and to get a job i need to be able to face myself on a regular basis but to do that i need therapy#the cycle is endless and it always ends with me feeling like#purely logically speaking#that kms is just smart business#like it just makes sense from a practical perspective#there’s no feeling behind it i’m fine i’m safe etc etc#think it’s just a weird get out of jail free card in my head leftover from being so soupy-sidle all through high school#anyways. as aforementioned the endless cycle is endless and a cycle so things will keep on keeping on :-)#ed cw#personal
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school volunteering project has once again reminded me that at the core of my being i am an irish sharecropper
#i NEED to listen to more johnny cash. wtf#God I hear you I get it. fuck academia i need to be digging up potatoes with callused hands and singing all day#like im crying. it feels so good to do those things again#and all i really did was move around some seedlings and break up some soil. imagine if i actually planted things on a regular basis
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i start my job this week rouguhghghgh cant wait to have much less free time </3
#maybe it wont be that bad but im used to things being like college where my Enitre Life revolves around working n deadlines#like this will be VERY DIFFERENt. but still its full time#i guess ill see how i feel when im done my week!!#ramblies#THAT BEING SAID. i generally feel much much better when im out of the house on a regular basis#and im excited to save sooo much money#and like maybe get a little bit of bicep maybe#like oh my GOD college was…… so much work like a ludicrous amount of work#like every moment of my LIFE revolved around meeting deadlines i was always thinking about it if i wasnt actively working#and i guess with this i just get to like… clock out for 8 hours (9 including commute) and have the rest of the day to myself?#i hope the hours i have to myself dont feel as short as i think they will i guess#i want time to learn more 3D stuff and do comms still. and hang out with my friends. ans play video games.#im gonna have. a very busy life. but busy is good. im capable of handling that!!#ans if i need a week to myself i can actually do that without fear of failing classes :D#overall im looking forward to it i just cant help but be anxious at every possible turn#(though im not feeling nauseous abt my first week starting so thats very cool!!!!)
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Why can't mental spirals be fun, like those helter skelters rides?
I miss going to Southend and playing on those things
Actually I miss being able to go out in general
=(
#duckpond stuff#sad duck hours#I really need to try and get a drs appt but seriously there's no fucking point#every time I ask for a dr appt I get called by a nurse who doesn't know shit about my meds#and the last time I tried I was told “nope systems down you need to call at 8.30 for same day”#and “oh well not our problem part of why you're calling is your med induced insomnia means you're not waking up till 10ish. too bad so sad”#because I'm pretty sure I'm not meant to feel like there's no fucking point to doing anything for anyone on a regular basis like this#blergh
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