#and then chris catches it and throws it back at him lol <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[chrisbangz]

BANG CHAN ✦ 240810

[dwaekkicidal]

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ summary: inspired by chan's part in this

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ word count: almost exactly 1k words lol (993)

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ warnings: gn!reader; nicknames: honey, pup(py), kinda pervy!3racha but chanxreader, not really bratty but super whiney reader, soft chris until he talks dirty, kinda dacryphilia?, creampie & no protection (don't be silly wrap ur willy also pee after sex pls), exhibitionism, not a warning really but I switch between calling him Chan/Channie & Chris

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ notes: @chvnmax im so sorry (im not that ask put not normal thoughts in my head.) idk if this is actually full on corruption kink like the og post but it sent me into a pervy skz spiral

DO NOT republish or translate+post my work!

Picture this:

Stray Kids recording day for their next comeback. You’re their cute little 9th member and they always have you do your set of lines last so that they can take their time with you. Everybody but 3racha has already returned to their assigned dorms. Changbin and Chan are sitting in the office chairs while Jisung lounges on the couch (probably asleep).

They watch in awe as you nail most of your lines until you get to one that’s a little too hard. After multiple takes not coming out well, you’re so busy moaning and groaning into the mic out of frustration that you’re chronically unaware of how crystal clear your sounds are coming out for them. Eventually it even gets to the point where you bounce in place out of pure agitation. You’re in a low-cut top and the clear view of your collarbone has the 3 men on the other side of the glass in an absolute chokehold.

“Honey.. You gotta calm down.” Chan says softly into his own mic, adjusting his dick in his pants. You pout and cross your arms across your chest, accidentally pulling your shirt lower as you toss and turn in a fit. Jisung is basically drooling from his spot on the couch and it’s honestly his breaking point. Changbin and him decide to take a 'walk' and say they’ll be back in an hour with food, while Chan says that he’ll stick back with you to help perfect your lines.

It’s all going well until you get to another bump in the recording and you complain into the mic to the point where your eyes water. With the sight of your watery doe eyes and deep pout staring at him from the other side of the glass, Chris really starts to get bothered by the tightness in his pants.

“Come out here, Pup. Let’s take a break.” He says with only pure intentions as he stands and stretches. Little to no ulterior motives while you rush out the room and throw yourself into his arms, rubbing your chest onto him and looking up at him with those pretty eyes again. Completely innocent motives until he glances down to where your bodies meet, his eyes catching a glimpse of your pretty nipples thanks to your shirt dipping even more.

Deciding that he’s had enough he closes his eyes and loudly groans before meeting your eyes again and holding a death grip onto your hips. He leads you to the couch as you look up at him with an innocent look.

“Channie..?” you ask out sweetly. You expect a response but he silently turns you around and bends you over the couch, one of your knees rest on the bottom cushions while he squishes your face into the back cushions.

“You just have to be a little brat, huh. Just can’t be a good puppy for one goddamn day.” He teases and pulls the skimpy booty shorts you wore. He pulls your underwear down to your knees before freeing himself from his stupid jeans. Wanting to skip the prep and knowing you were still loose from the events in the storage room a few hours prior, he pulls out a travel sized bottle of lube from his pocket before squirting some onto his dick.

He gives you no time to react before he rubs himself against you and thrusts into you, setting a fast pace right off the bat. The tears from earlier return and are quickly soaked up by the couch when they finally fall. You whimper apologies into the cushions as Chris lets out filthy comments from behind you.

“It’s never your fault, is it baby?”

“Always a big cry baby until Daddy stuffs his dick inside your pretty little holes.”

“Fuck.. Walk around like a little ‘innocent’ thing when in reality it’s your fault I'm this hard. Rubbing all up on me like a little slut.”

After what feels like forever of him bullying himself into you, the pair of you hear the two loudest mfers in the planet return, getting closer to the door before being stopped by a staff member. They’re right outside the door and you moan loudly into the cushion at the thought of them hearing what's happening behind the unlocked studio door just feet away from your spot on the couch. You're almost thankful for Chris’ big hand that keeps your face on the couch, but that quickly changes as he pulls you back into him by placing a hand on your collarbone. Once your back is to his chest, his hand moves up to trail along your lips. He sticks 2 fingers against your tongue as you hear him speak up from behind you.

"Shh... You want them to hear you?" you clench tightly and his hips stutter "… fuck You do, don't you?.. Yeah? You want them to join us too baby? Want them to help me fill your greedy holes?"

When you cry out into his hand and cum at the thought, he laughs into your neck before chasing his own high. You’re pulled back into reality as you hear the boys finishing up their conversation. Chris pulls out and wipes himself down with tissues, then pulls your underwear back up and smooths down your clothes before returning to his chair.  He takes his seat right as the door knob turns, and he smirks at you as the boys settle the food bags on the coffee table (oh and look at that no more tight pants for either of them lol).

“Eat up, baby. You need to refuel before we continue.” Chan says with a playful look in his eyes. You blush and nod before taking bites of your meal. You watch as Changbin re-records a few adlibs and you swear you can feel something warm dripping out of you.

[hushroomloser]

Chris Evans short story part 6

Pairing: ReaderxChrisEvans 

Request: Meeeee 

Prompt: “I’m sorry I thought you were somebody else”

Warning(s): I’m a first-time writer

Word count: 1747

A/N: Hey online strangers, I wrote the first part a while back and have the rest of the story in my drive but have never posted it. This story I wrote way back in 2019 :'(. I will be posting at random times if you stay and read it thank you so much. Enjoy xoxox - I have no idea how many parts this story and technically I haven’t an ending yet. 

I honestly to god have no more inspiration so this story will just be here for another 3 more years 

Bye 

… I am back lol. I have no idea who even is enjoying this but yeah. I wrote this during finals so please excuse everything from it. From the grammar to the plot lol. I shall maybe edit it or something. Honestly didn’t this story needed more parts or anything and plus I am trying my hardest to make into a your name type without writing yourr name cause I never found it cute and plus whenever I read a yn i read out the yn has like yoon for some reason. So yeah 

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Chris had been in and out of his thoughts during this whole ordeal. He sat on the chair next to the doctor typing away notes on her computer thinking back to this morning.

And yesterday.

Yeah, let’s start with yesterday.

Catherine called. More than once. He couldn’t sleep well and woke up early. Went on a run. Got hungry. And got hit by her. The one he mistook the other day at the same coffee shop. Took a cab together. Where he couldn’t take his eyes off her. 

She was beautiful. He wondered, not really, why he wanted to hug her? In all that beauty, sadness seemed to poke out like weed on the pavement. He wondered who or what made her sad. He wanted so badly to take it away from her. To make her smile. He wanted to see that smile of hers, that smile that made his heart beat ever so slow each time. 

Should he ask her out? He thought he couldn’t, could he? How could he? He didn’t know her. He didn’t even know her name. Or what she did for a living. Or what was her favourite song or movie? The list goes on. He knew nothing. 

Lost in thought he didn’t hear what the doctor had said. “Yes doctor, I am sorry could you repeat that.” 

“I just asked you if you had any questions for me.” 

“Ohh no I am okay thanks.” 

“She must have thought that she hit you harder than she did.” Giggling at the thought of your backside hitting Chris Evans. “Honestly, I am surprised she didn’t run away or something.” 

“I am surprised I ended up here. For a small fall.” Surprised but happy. “Is she also a doctor?” He couldn’t keep his curiosity in anymore, he had to know something. 

“Uh, no she’s one of the medical physicists in training.” Asking questions, check one. “Ah, I think I am out of my league. A medical physicist what is that?” Lizzy only had two options here. One she wished but knew wouldn’t happen and one she did not like but would for sure happen. 

“Ah.” Opting for the second choice. “I am not the best to explain what it is but the gist of it is they keep us safe from all the radiation coming from imaging.” Well, this is not option two, she thought. “Why don’t you ask her about it.”

“I am sure she will give you a better explanation.” God, where was her Oscar. She a hundred and thousand percent knew what her best friend did. She looked at him waiting and waiting. 

Was she bating him? Chris had a feeling that this doctor knew her very well. And just maybe, saw him look at her earlier in the hallway before she walked away. Maybe he should catch the warm she’s throwing at him. 

“That would be best wouldn’t it.” His phone rang reminding him he could not stay any longer. “But, I think I have to go.” He shook the doctor's hand and opened the door to leave.

Thanking her one last time. “Her name is … she works in the nuclear department.” 

“If you come through the same doors and then turn left and take the elevators to the 9th floor.” 

“Y’a know for flowers or whatever.” Reminding herself what she was doing. Deciding maybe now silence would be best. God, her friend was going to kill her for this. Why was she giving away information like that? These celebrities make you do the weirdest things. 

He waved back remembering all the information that was given to him. Her name is beautiful, he would not forget it. How could he it rolled in his mouth like sweet nectar. 

“fuckkk”, Lizzy remembered. She didn’t ask for a picture or an autograph. Maybe she professionaled a bit too hard this time. 

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She had come at the right moment for her and the wrong moment for him and Lizzy. She had seen him leave and hid in a corner. Why may you ask? She couldn’t answer it either. Or maybe she was too afraid to acknowledge it. Knowing very well that during the cab ride the whole world could hear her heart. She could not muster any strength to talk to him during and after the ride. Gesturing the way to the ER reception earlier. In a perfect world, she would take the strength she always had and maybe just maybe ask him out for coffee. The least she could do after hitting him. Or even... Even. What could she even do? She could even come up with something so easy. Had she fallen into the trap of a superstar’s charm or was she genuinely into him? Into the real Chris and not just Chris Evans. How could she answer that question when she didn’t know who he was. 

“So what’s this emergency.” Finally taking a sip of her drink. It had cooled down by now. Sitting next to her friend. 

“You know I love you.” Looking at Lizzy wondering how this related to the emergency. 

“Yes, I do.” 

“And you know I always want what is best for you.” 

“Yesss.” She figured where this was going. 

“So why bring him here when you could have accessed him on your own.” It wasn’t a question. You knew, and she knew you knew how to. You and Lizzy spent many long nights practicing and studying for her boards.

“I…” I don’t know, she thought. 

“Next, question.” 

“You like him?” She looked at her friend, was she that easy to read. Lizzy figured it out and put it into words faster than she could have. 

“And you can’t lie to me.” 

“Why didn’t you just ask him out or better yet stayed there and bought him coffee or something.”

“What is liking someone even, Lizzy. I mean I don’t know the guy and he’s a celebrity. Let’s be real here.” Lizzy had rolled her eyes so far back, her friend and her rational brain. “Okay let’s put it like this if he wasn’t him but just a random person on the street.” 

“ohh but dear friend do you even see me talking to random people on the streets.”

“Men! Me and men.” She emphasized. “Do not work and I am very happy keeping it that way.” 

“Ohh really now, I saw the way he looked at you.” It was her turn to roll her eyes.  “That fine specimen likes you, and you can deny it all you want.” 

“Whatever, it is not like I will see him ever again.”

“Oh, but you will!Trust me. I sense those kinds of things.” Lizzy had already imagined and planned out your life for you. “Plus, I invited him to our wedding.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I could have if I wanted to.” 

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Two weeks had passed, and Chris was done with the first part of shooting. On break, he finally had the time to do what he wanted. To go and see her again. He had gone to that coffee shop every morning for the past two weeks hoping he’d see her again. Did he scare her off, he wondered. She hadn’t come, he even asked the cashier if they knew her or if she was a regular. He couldn’t get her out of his mind, he had to see her again and talk to her properly this time. 

He had planned to send her flowers during the week but decided against it. It would be more meaningful if he brought it to her in person. That’s exactly what he was doing. He had asked the florist to make him a beautiful arrangement. Delivering just that, beautiful could not come close to the bouquet he had made him.  Daisies and orchids filled the colorful arrangement and he had added lavender and iris to it. He did not know much about the meaning behind each of those flowers but hoped it meant something good. Following the doctor’s directions, he had been repeating it all week long; straight through the ER then turn left and take the elevators to the 9th floor. 

The warmth he had been feeling all morning long kept him pacing back and forth. He kept repeating the instructions like a chant, his hands had started to clam up. A new thing for him. He got nervous for auditions and first days on sets, even on talk shows. But this. This almost took him out a few times. 

“Breath, the worst thing she could say is no.” Well, that and maybe call security. Feeling like he was about to pass out, an overstatement of course. Because he was a grown man, and this is normal. Right?

He reached the elevator and pressed number 9, thankfully there wasn’t anyone in it. So, he breathed, in and out. 

Floor 2.

In and out. 

Floor 5. 

In and out. 

Floor 8. 

In and out. 

Floor 9. 

He quickly fixed himself before exiting the elevator. 

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Two weeks had passed, and she couldn’t concentrate on anything. Not her research. Not her work. Not anything. A little sad that he didn’t come back, she questioned everything. Maybe it really was just me feeling things. And maybe it really was just the superstar’s charm that had her this weak in the knees for a stranger. 

She had plenty of fake cries during the days that passed, she couldn’t believe she was not only charmed but that she had hit him like that. The patheticness had reached an all-time high that week. Oliver had been laughing for a week straight, Lizzy had told him about the whole ordeal, and he couldn’t stop laughing. While Lizzy was planning a fictional wedding. 

“God am I pathetic?” she questioned. 

“I hope not.” A whisper in the back made her regret everything. She knew that voice, she had listened to that voice all week long. My patheticness level increased. Praying that her mind was playing tricks on her she looked at back. 

Damn, she cursed at herself, the only time she had to go see patients and leave her office. 

“hi.” Hopping the crack in her voice did not give her away. She repeated with more strength. ‘Hi.” He looked so beautiful in his sky-blue shirt and jeans. “If you are looking for Dr. Kelley she is not in today.” 

“I am actually looking for you.” His face had turned a crimson red. God, he looked cute when he blushed. My patheticness level increased. Again. 

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Girl this make me feel like this specific girly don't know how to act like I could write a novella about my own relationships why she acting like that 😭😭😭😭

Anyways, hope you enjoy.

constructive criticism is very much appreciated, thank you. 

xoxox

[heartsoulrocknroll]

AEW Dynamite 11/16/22

Bryan Danielson and Claudio Castagnoli vs. Chris Jericho and Sammy Guevara -- Claudio does lunges while holding Guevara in a suplex position before dropping him!!! Guevara continues to target the eye of Danielson that was injured in the 2 out of 3 falls match. Danielson with some aggressive running dropkicks into the corner!!! Guevara with a drop toe hold, driving Danielson's face into the bottom turnbuckle. Jericho hits Danielson in the head with the bat!! Claudio gets the hot tag!! He absolutely throws Guevara around like a rag doll and pummels Jericho in the corner with vicious uppercuts!! Danielson and Guevara back in. Beautiful rolling elbow from Danielson to Guevara!!! Series of kicks by Danielson!! Guevara goes back to Danielson's injured eye. Jumping knee by Guevara!!!! Danielson reverses a GTH attempt and grabs the LeBell lock!!!!!!! Guevara gets to the ropes. Top rope cutter by Guevara!!!! Jericho tags in and hits a Lionsault on Danielson, but Claudio breaks up the pin! Claudio absolutely hurls Guevara so high in the air and hits a huge uppercut!!!! Claudio tags in! Jericho goes for a shot with the bat, but Claudio catches him in the Giant Swing!!! When Claudio releases him, Jericho grabs the bat again. Claudio snatches the bat away and locks in the Sharpshooter!! Jericho taps!!! Claudio now has two falls on Jericho since losing the ROH World Championship to him!!! This match rocked!!!! Excited for the four way at Full Gear!!!!

The Acclaimed debut their music video, in which Caster raps about Swerve. It's pretty funny. Not gonna lie. Lol.

Death Triangle (c) vs. Top Flight and AR Fox for the AEW World Trios Championship -- Good to see Darius back and to see AR Fox in AEW! Darius and Dante throw Pac into a cutter by AR Fox!!! Standing moonsault from Pac and double team cazadora bomb from Penta and Fénix at the same time on Fox! Later on, 450 off the top rope by Fox on Fénix, but Fénix kicks out!! Fear Factor by Penta and Fénix followed by Black Arrow by Pac gets the three count on Fox!! Death Triangle retains again!!!

After the match, Pac calls out The Elite. "If they think they can just mozy in and best the Death Triangle, that's ridiculous. Death Triangle runs from nobody!! You may think you're coming for us, but we've been waiting for you." Go off, Pac!!!!! I am so hyped for this match!!!!!!!! But if The Elite win, I will jump out a window. I need Death Triangle to have the reign they deserve.

Bandido vs. Ethan Page (AEW World Championship number one contender tournament) -- This was fine. Page wins with Ego's Edge. Yawn.

Here comes Moxley to the ring with Regal. Moxley says his liking to fight isn't a good thing. He says he is sick in the head. He's addicted to the adrenaline rush, to hurting himself and his opponent. He said you can't hurt him, because he literally doesn't care. That's who Jon Moxley is. He says he has been trying to figure out who MJF is. He says the world sees what MJF wants them to see, prepared speeches and hand-picked opponents. But what Moxley sees is a kid playing wrestler, who is afraid he won't live up to the hype. Moxley says MJF isn't challenging him, Moxley is challenging MJF to show him something, to show him why people think MJF is going to be the future of this industry.

The Firm attacks and beats Moxley down!!!!!!! MJF runs out on a mission!!!! He takes out the Gunns and Moriarty on the ramp!!! He jumps into the ring and gives Morrissey a swift low blow!!! Ethan Page tries for a kick on MJF, but MJF dodges him and sends him into Morrissey instead. Then MJF puts his thumb in Page's eye and lands a low blow and a big left hand strike!!! I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!! MJF USING HEEL TACTICS LIKE THE LOW BLOWS AND THE THUMB TO THE EYE BUT STILL LOOKING LIKE THE BABYFACE OPPOSITE THE FIRM IS MAKING ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MJF tells Stokely and The Firm, "If I were you, I'd get the hell out of Connecticut before I firmly take my boot and shove it up your ass." He then turns to Moxley, who is still down and out. "I did not save your ass because I like you, Jon. I saved you because I don't want any of your pissant, mark fan club making any excuses for you when I knock your lights clean out. No Dynamite Diamond Ring necessary. Ain't that right, Will? When I got into this business, my ultimate goal was to become the best wrestler in the world. And I'm not an idiot, Jon. I know this Saturday, I'm in for the fight of my life. You're one double tough, bad son of a bitch. But know this, I ain't the same kid I was the first time we fought for that piece of gold. You see, this time, you can dump me on my head as many times as you want, you can make me bleed buckets, you can snap, crackle, and pop every single ligament, joint, and bone in my body, but I will not stop. Because I need that belt more than I need water, more than I need food, and more than I need oxygen. Because when you're the man that holds the AEW World title, that makes you the best wrestler on God's green earth, and goddamn it, it's my time!!! Now I heard you last week when you said I'm not the devil. That's classic. Maybe you haven't been listening very well, so allow me to tell you. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. And this Saturday at Full Gear, you are going to find out that I am the devil himself." MJF starts with his catchphrase, but Moxley takes the mic out of his hand before he can finish. Moxley says he never really saw the big deal with MJF, but at Full Gear, they are going to find out. Moxley says if MJF can't find it inside of himself, Moxley is gonna reach in and pull it out of him. He says at Full Gear, the training wheels come off.

LET'S GOOOOOOOOO. I AM SO EXCITED. I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WAS THIS EXCITED FOR ANYTHING IN AMERICAN WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ashiemochi]

Hey Ashie!! I just finished "Aprotitty" and i LOVED it! my favorite chapters were the Matthew's party and the one where Leon takes So Ah for a ride <3 I'm really excited to see what you will bring us next.

I confess that the ending got me kinda shoked- who knew So Ah would become an agent?! nice plot twist lol!

Now, I've got an ask. what kinda of agent you think So ah would be? Like, it would be really nice to see her joking around with Chris and the team, or seeing her undercover for a mission- but imagine if she were undercover on, idk, a bar or a public place and coincidentally leon were also undercover THERE-

pleaSE, IM SO HAPPY YOU ENJOYED APHROTITTY <3!!! Matthew was a fun character to write, ngl skdjahjkd I can't wait to bring him in the sequel again <3 A longer one bc your ask made me smile like an idiot.

So Ah would start as a BSAA rookie of course! Her missions' captain would always be Chris for safety measures. She'd always doodle roughly on her notebook and pencil for her teammates during little free time here and there, becoming flustered as they'd take the paper with amusement in their eyes.

"Holy shit, Han! You captured my hair so well!"

"Your hair? Look how she did my eyes! It's like I'm looking in a mirror!"

"Look how she did my smile! She got my tooth gap too!"

When the mission is successful and they headed to the local bar to celebrate before they catch the flight back, So Ah would be crowded by her teammates, some even attempting to draw and ask for her advice. She'd be giggling and shying away, trying to find a little space to excuse herself to update her lover back home on her mission.

"So... Agent Han, got someone waiting for you back home?"

"Actually, yeah. Speaking of which, I have to excuse myself for a moment."

So Ah sighed heavily the moment she stepped out of the bar, feeling her hands shaking anxiously before getting her phone to call Leon then her eyes landed on Chris leaning against the wall with a cigarette in between his fingers.

His eyes were distant, deep in thoughts and she tilted her head to the side. Slowly, she walked up to him with a soft smile, "Hey, Captain."

Chris blinked, looking at her before chuckling, "Hey, So Ah. Team's giving you a hard time?"

She shook her head, giggling nervously, "No, no... Just too energetic maybe."

Chris huffed light-heartedly, "I'll make sure to tell them to tone it down."

She shifted slightly on her feet and Chris raised an eyebrow at her shy self acting up again before seeing her pull a folded piece of paper from her many pockets and offered it to him.

"Here..." She mumbled, "It felt unfair to me that everyone got something but you so..."

"What's this?" Chris asked as he put out his smoke and unfolded the paper, eyes widened just a tad at the doodle she did of him. It was him talking to one of his teammates about the mission; a moment frozen in time.

"Holy shit..." Chris barely trailed away, looking up at her and she only smiled then her phone began ringing and he knew it was Leon when her smile went softer and her cheeks redder.

"I have to take this... Thank you for your service, Chris."

-

On her FIRST undercover mission, So Ah had to attend a luxurious black market event where an auction will be held by the suspect. She'd be in a long flowy dress with her make-up done so differently from her usual ones.

"Okay, So Ah, just like we practised."

"Chris, that's a lot of people. I feel like I'm going to throw up."

"That's not part of the training - you can do this."

"What am I supposed to do again?"

"Just mingle - you've been to so many events like this before."

"Not where it's a life and death situation."

"You'll do fine."

So Ah would hold a smile to any person who speaks to her; her new name for this mission being Colette Francis, a high-status lady who knows her way around wine.

Honestly, all she knew about wine was chugging that bottle like an alcoholic - anything to avoid triggering another anxiety attack.

She reached the bar to catch a breather, ordering a wine of whatever the bartender's got. Nervously, she bit down on her lip to calm down her fast beating heart as she recalled her mission.

Mingle to avoid suspicion, gather information by talking to other people, wait till the auction starts so she can be sure the suspect would be hosting it with one of the items being a sample of the virus.

All of which poke at her anxious self. She much preferred handling a gun than this because at least she wouldn't have to do so much talking.

Taking a sip from her drink, she nearly choked when a single cold finger tapped her shoulder twice and she turned around with surprised eyes to see a familiar man - same man she last saw three days ago.

"Miss Francis, I didn't know you were coming to this event."

"Leon?" She whispered and the man, Leon, chuckled.

"Think you got me confused with someone else." Leon winked at her, before offering his hand with a smile, "Name's Angelo."

So Ah bit back a giggle, settling her hand on his, blushing as Leon brought it up to his lips with his eyes still trained on her.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were away on an assignment in France." So Ah asked, her own thumb gently caressing his skin, finally feeling a lot better now that there was a familiar face around here.

Leon brought his drink to his lips, "It's connected to the same guy - the tests showed that the same virus used in France came from here so," He gave her a slight shrug at the end.

"Think it's related to Marcus?" So Ah theorized, leaning closer to keep her voice on the low and Leon hummed, subtly bumping her nose with his as a faint eskimo kiss.

"Maybe... I missed you." Leon whispered, grinning at her blush intensifying as she lightly pushed him away, glancing around them to make sure no one was paying attention to them.

"Behave yourself, Leon. We're undercover." So Ah scolded with twitching lips and Leon chuckled.

"Alright, Colette. When this mission's done, think you can stay in those heels?"

So Ah blinked, glancing down at her black heels with bold red coloured flats then back at him, confused, "Why?"

Leon's tone dropped an octave, his smile tilting up on one side more than the other, sultry, "I found an empty bedroom upstairs and I was thinking we could do a bit of overtime; you and me."

Her cheeks blazed up, eyes widening at the lustful glint in his azures and before she could stammer out a reply, a heavy Italian accent took her attention.

"Colette Francis! I'm so glad you came!" Marcus exclaimed, oozing in some expensive cologne as he took her hand with a smile.

So Ah snapped back to her 'spy mode', flashing him the same smile but with Leon's - Angelo - words flying around her head, she was nervous but for a different reason now.

"Marcus, I wouldn't miss it for the world." She commented as Marcus planted a simple peck on her knuckles.

"I see you've met Angelo," Marcus said joyfully, patting Leon's shoulder once who only forced a smile that looked so real that even So Ah thought he was Angelo - whoever the fuck that was.

"You know, I was just telling him about you! Your taste in wine is divine!" Marcus kissed his fingers enthusiastically and Leon gave her a quick 'what the fuck' look before Marcus gently shoved him as an encouragement, "Tell her!"

"Yeah," Leon agreed and So Ah stifled a giggle, watching him in the act as she nodded ever so slowly, "My favourite has got to be the cotton candy one."

Her cheeks heated up again at the subtle wink, knowing damn well what he was referencing to and Marcus gasped, light in his eyes at his excitement of meeting the Colette Francis the wine maker; though it wasn't really her.

"Dear Gods, yes! I need to know how you made a wine out of cotton candy!" Marcus gushed as Leon took a slow sip, keeping his playful eyes set on the girl with a cheeky smile.

"Oh, you know," So Ah quickly recovered, brushing her hair over her shoulder as she smiled coyly, "A lady never reveals her secrets."

Marcus laughed before clapping twice, "Ah, that's the Miss Francis I know! Please, I hope you enjoy the wine selection I've chosen! I've got to leave to prepare for the main event."

So Ah giggled, nodding along with the kinder smile, "I'll get there when I can, Marcus."

"Say," Leon interrupted and she thought she saw a little hint of red jealousy in those blues, "When does the auction start?"

Marcus looked at his golden plated watch, humming before answering, "In about 20 minutes."

After Marcus said his overly-happy 'excuse me's, he left to set up the auction and So Ah stood next to Leon, smacking his arm and Leon looked down at her with furrowed brows.

"What was that for?"

"We are undercover, Leon." She scolded, "One slip-up and it's over for both of us."

Leon rolled his eyes, "Jesus, you're beginning to sound like Chris."

"Leon!"

"Okay, okay," Leon set his hand on the small of her back with a tilted smile, "I'll behave."

"Thank you."

A moment of silence came over them, just enjoying the little time they had for themselves before they'd have to be separated once again.

"You know..." Leon started lowly, leaning down to barely brush his lips against her ear as his whispers brought immediate goosebumps up her skin and made her tiny hairs stand up at his words.

"Twenty minutes is more than enough for our overtime."

[datleggy]

Birthday prompts you say? My mind immediately thought up Buck and Chris conspiring together and getting Eddie some cheesy shirt that says like "WORLD'S BEST DAD (of two)" and he's confused like "but Chris is an only child?" And said child gleefully announces "not for long! Show him, Bucky, show him!" And Buck presents another box in which rests a positive pregnancy test and a recent ultrasound photo with Buck's name in the corner to show it's his, and Buck is kind of nervous but mostly happy and he shrugs and smiles like "happy birthday?"

Anyways xhdhsjjsksjd HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU THOOOOOOO, AND CONGRATS ON GETTING THAT APARTMENT, THAT KIND OF STUFF IS SO STRESSFUL, BUT YOU DID IT, WOOHOO 🥳

it was! lol thanku <3 !!!

Buck is nervous, because of course he is. He and Eddie hadn't planned for this, not so early on in their relationship, at least. They've only been dating for like eight months--less than a year!

Though if one were to ask anyone down at the station the whole 118 crew would swear those two idiots have been in love for as long as they've known one another. Which isn't exactly too far from the truth. But still. 

It’s big and unexpected news and maybe Eddie won’t be as giddy with excitement about it the way Christopher had been, when he’d found out. 

Buck had ended up blurting it out to Christopher by accident one day--it had been his turn to take the kid to school and Eddie had left ahead of them to do a couple of quick errands before work, so it had been just Buck and Chris at home. 

One minute Buck was serving Christopher breakfast and the next he was green as could be and rushing to throw up in the kitchen sink of all places. Christopher had looked so worried about Buck, asking if he was alright, if he was sick, did he need to go to the doctor?--that Buck had wanted to dispel the concern immediately and said, “No no, Chris, m’ok, it’s morning sickness.” 

And Christopher had tilted his head, confused for a second before quickly catching on. “But on TV morning sickness is for people who are gonna have a baby--you’re gonna have a baby!?” 

****************

Christopher’s been dying to tell Eddie ever since, and so what better day than on the man’s birthday, right? 

Eddie wakes up to breakfast in bed and laughs at the wobbly pancake with the blueberry smiley face on top. “I love it, thank you.” 

“We got you a present!” Christopher announces eagerly, before Eddie can even take his first bite. 

Eddie raises a brow, curious, though he must admit the excitement is a little contagious. His kid is practically bouncing on the bed in anticipation. “Oh yeah?” 

Christopher grins. “Bucky, show him!” 

Buck chuckles and he starts to get up from the perch on his side of the bed when nausea strikes and he has to close his eyes for a second and keep perfectly still in an attempt to let the feeling pass. 

Eddie reaches out, looking just as worried as his son had that Monday morning a week ago now, when Buck had thrown up in the kitchen. “Hey, what’s wrong? Babe?” 

The nausea dissipates soon enough and Buck breaths out a sigh of relief. “I’m good.” he insists, getting up to search their closet, even as Eddie tries to get him to sit back down. “Here.” Buck hands him a gift bag. “From Christopher and me.” 

Eddie still looks worried, not really paying any attention as he digs through the bag for his present below. It’s soft. A t-shirt, Eddie thinks absently, pulling it out so it’s on display. It reads: WORLD’S BEST DAD (of two!) and Eddie stares at it with furrowed brows for a moment and turns to Buck, “Chris is an only child?” 

Christopher lets out a giggle behind him, making Eddie swivel around to look, and says, “Not for long! Bucky, show him!” 

And when Eddie turns back over to Buck he’s got a rectangular box in one hand and a birthday card in the other. “Open.” he says, and Eddie can see that behind all the excitement there’s a nervousness there. 

Eddie opens the box and inside is a pregnancy test. A positive pregnancy test...

He looks up, surprised and awed. “Is this...?” 

“Open the letter Daddy!” Christopher encourages, right at his shoulder. 

Wordlessly, Eddie takes the letter and opens it, revealing an ultrasound photo dated two weeks back, with his husbands name on the corner of it in small white print. The baby is probably the size of a pea and kind of indistinguishable if he’s being honest, but Eddie still finds himself tearing up and sniffling. “We’re having a baby?” 

Buck smiles, overwhelmed by the love in Eddie’s eyes when he looks up at him. 

“No,” Christopher answers for him, like it’s obvious. “Buck’s having a baby! But we get to help after.” 

Eddie pulls Christopher against him with one arm and Buck with the other, holding them both tight. “This is the best birthday ever, thank you guys.” 

[thebigoblin]

K, L, and M!

Hiii!!! *flails because WOW hello greatest moodboard creator I've ever seen*

K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?

Dammn going right for it with the first question huh?

Okay, I have 3 answers for you - one is written and posted already, and 2 are only ideas in my brain as of now.

1. It's a Katana

Okay, so this is one my older works (I say old, but it's like, 5 months old ajjsjsjskabsb, but to be fair, I think I've become a better writer since than???) and I absolutely love it!! It also just got a comment on it but before answering that amazing human back I gotta reread the fic lmao 😂😂 BUT to answer this particular question, this is the angstiest idea because this features Void!Stiles, and Derek feels and some pack feels?? Ig. I don't really remember. But I remember thinking this was pretty angsty, so....

2. The prompt fic I am working on for @ilovepeachystuff. (I'm sorry Ik it's been 2 months 😭 but I WILL get around to writing this!!!) So, this fic is about Stiles and his self-worth issues, with nods to his mom's death and some other childhood stuff that's made him feel like people don't listen to him. I promise it has a happy ending tho!! Working title is Listen.

3. This is a Petopher fic idea!!! I was inspired by Blank Space by Taylor Swift. I want to write this fic for @tw-songevent but idk if I'll finish it tho. So, basically, the idea is that Peter is a playboy who meets Chris and makes Chris fall for him. BUT. In doing so he falls for Chris too, which was not in the plan. It's supposed to be very angsty, Chris falls in love first and when he finally gives into that feeling, he learns about Peter's plan. And then, when Peter is out of Chris' life (and Allison's... this is a human au where Chris just got divorced from Victoria), Peter realizes that he has fallen in love. The ending is supposed to be Chris being like, Allison needs stability, and Peter has been in both their lives enough that she sees him as a permanent fixture in her life, so the two of them remain sorta friends. But in the ending, Chris finally gives in to the idea of actually dating Peter. (I'm sorry if it sounds confusing but it's all very clear in my head! Lol)

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

WHY YOU GOTTA COME AT ME LIKE THIS!!!

Okay so firstly: Sorry for yelling at you 😂 and second: maybe twice? Like, when I write, I usually go back over the lines a few times before proceeding further. So that's one. Then when I go to post them to ao3, I try and read through the whole thing at once, catch any mistakes if I can. That's two. Ik it's not much, but hey, fic writing is for funnn so *shrugs* (also can someone tell my brain I write fics for fun?? It can have errors, damnit! It doesn't have to be perfect 😭)

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?

Ooh, ooh, ooh!! I can't share what it is, but one fic is being written for my Sterek Secret Santa Giftee and I love what I have written so far! Hmm, then, the prompt one for @ilovepeachystuff, and then another prompt, this one for @deepestbelieverstranger. She asked for Sterek leaving together after Monroe, so that's what it is. I'll share a few lines from it!

Stiles shakes his head, winces when the action pulls at his neck; Monroe had her men throw him and Lydia in a too tight cell, the only point of comfort the steady presence of Lydia beside him, and the ever dimming hope of a rescue from Scott and the others.

Derek comes closer, the way he's been doing since Stiles cleared his name with the FBI. Rough, yet gentle hands bring warmth to his neck, take away the pain. Stiles breathes out in relief.

Scott hadn't come. Not to rescue them, at least. Wrapped up in his quest to save everyone, Scott had done what he thought he needed to do, unthinking of what losing Stiles and Lydia would mean in that very quest. Scott might be the True Alpha, but he is not the one leading everyone. So, essentially, Scott hadn't come. Not for them. But someone else had.

Derek and Parrish, an unlikely duo; one a savage beast, and the other the stuff of nightmares to the savage beast. And yet.

I do not have a title for this yet, and I haven't written much more in this one, but I hope I can soon!!

[piningeddiediaz]

howdy tas!!!! i know nothing about 911 but you deserve to talk about your blorbos so!!! for the buck/eddie asks, 7, 12, 14, 25?💛💛💛

jamie have i told you recently that i love you? 💓 this genuinely made me so happy, thank you 💖

7. name three of your favourite buddie fics and shout out the authors if you want!

this fandom has the most amazing fics narrowing it down to three is almost impossible but here goes nothing:

@LAFD_Overheard in which the entirety of Los Angeles ships the two idiot firefighters who can’t seem to catch a hint

to look and be seen by @princessfbiwhich is a rwrb au. do i even need to say more?

Leave the Light On (I will be coming home) by @hmslusitania is my favourite fic in the whole fandom and i reread it like at least once a month

(+ honourable mention to Autowrecked because eddie v technology is the funniest thing to come out of 911)

12. any predictions for 5b?

oh SO many. the number of possibilities with eddie being dispatch... the limit does not exist. so buck gets hurt on a call with eddie being on the other side painfully aware that buck is in danger but not being able to do anything except say his name again and again bcos he’s not there to have buck’s back like he promised - no vowed - years ago? like if that doesn’t happen what is even the point! and with the theme of children getting hurt that has been running all season, it has to cumulate to christopher getting hurt and eddie not being able to do anything except trust that buck will get to their son and protect him, which would inevitably have to lead to a conversation about the will! I also think at least one person from the firefam will also find out about the will.  and now that we have the fire at dispatch confirmed I think eddie is going to spend the whole time saving people without a stitch of protection or gear (eddie’s very own tsunami arc!) and realise that being a firefighter is who he is, and no matter how much he tries to ignore that part of him he can’t. and also make some uncomfortable realisations about his own mortality and the fact that quitting firefighting does not guarantee his safety, which I think will ultimately lead to a conversation about the shooting with both chris and buck, and the season will end with eddie officially coming back to the 118. 

14. what song(s) do you associate with buddie?

like every taylor swift song ever written? 

ok lol forever winter is THEE buddie song, esp the s5 arc (hence the 3 different edits I currently have in drafts ALL to this one song). this love is my no 1 buddie first kiss song, and I even wrote a whole fic about it. I also think pancakes for dinner by lizzie mcalpine is a great buddie song, as is home by 1d and helplessly by tatiana manaois. 

25. what is your ideal confession scene?

ive got two versions - a show version and a fic version/my ideal version. the show version I think they would do something dramatic, but I don't want it to be after a near death experience or anything. for buck, who has spent his entire life harming himself because he thinks people only care about him when he is dying, I don't think a death bed confession is good for his character. when eddie finally confesses (because in my head its eddie who takes the first step - eddie finally gets to choose his own happiness, and buck finally gets to hear someone say they love him and mean it) I imagine it to be a quiet moment. they’re in eddie’s kitchen, eddie washing the dishes while buck puts chris to bed and buck walks in and just starts putting the dishes away on autopilot, without having to even think about it. and eddie at that moment is struck with the realisation that all along he has been making a home with buck. it’s not just about the kitchen that buck uses more than eddie does. it’s about buck’s jacket hanging on the coat rack beside eddie’s, and the throw that smells of buck because thats the one he always uses on movie nights, and the nearly finished bottle of oat milk in the fridge that only buck drinks. and it isn’t a new realisation by any means, Eddie has known he loves buck for some time now, has known buck is a part of his family for even longer. but in that moment, that realisation knocks him off his feet and he starts seeing visions of a future he has never let himself imagine, and he cant go a single moment longer without saying it. and when he does, he waits for the panic to set in but it doesn't because he feels happy and content and light in that moment. he knows he and buck have been leading up to this moment for a long time. 

[hoenursey]

NurseyChow prompt: comic 4.08

i can’t believe you made me look up what fucking comic that was, sending me this like i know shit lol

When Chowder comes home from class, there’s an ungodly stomping noise coming from the staircase, and the sound of someone kicking a cardboard box across the floor. The door shuts behind him, and Ford sticks her head out of the kitchen, smiling apologetically.

“Dex’s decided he’s tired of living with Nursey,” she said in lieu of a greeting, and Chris closes his eyes, fingers coming to the bridge of his nose tightly.

“Jesus Christ,” he mumbles, and joins her in the kitchen, where they’re talking about class of ‘16. Apparently, they’ve moved in together, and now that Dex has exploded, Chowder is strongly considering asking if he can move in with them. He misses Lardo.

Dex moving out takes the better part of the afternoon. In the evening, he stays locked in the basement, hammering and cutting and whatever else people who know how tools work do with them. It’s loud, and more than a little annoying, but no one wants to go downstairs and tell him to stop. Besides, it won’t work.

That’s the first time anyone sees Nursey.

Instantly, he knows something is wrong.

For one, he’s got on basketball shorts in October, which everyone knows he’s morally opposed to. He’s ranted about it several times; he could practically write a thesis on it.

Secondly, his eyes are bloodshot.

“Hey,” he says hoarsely, and Chris’ alarm skyrockets.

A chorus of greetings sounds, all some degree of concerned.

Nursey clears his throat. “Uh, i’m going to Annie’s,” he says, trying for normal. He almost accomplishes it. “If anyone wants anything, just text me. My treat.”

“Do you want someone to go with you?” Ford asks anxiously, before anyone can stop her, and Chris manages to kick the foot of her chair in time for her to blurt out, “Uh, to help you carry all those drinks, y’know?”

Nursey smiles wanly. He looks drawn. “Nah, Nicey, i’m good. I’ll see you later, guys.”

Scattered goodbyes go off, and he disappears out the door with hardly a sound.

Bitty turns immediately to Chowder.

“Would you mind--”

“I’m already texting him,” he says, and Bitty smiles worriedly, stacking another few cookies on his plate.

[ text: hot nurse ] hey, would you grab me a jasmine tea? i forgot to buy some at the grocery store !

He watches their chat-- Nursey doesn’t respond, but he does like the message. Satisfied, he taps out a “thanks <3″ and leaves Nursey alone for now.

It’s nearly an hour before Nursey comes back. He knocks briefly on Chris’ door, and he calls cheerfully for him to come in.

“Come on in, close the door! You can go through the bathroom later, I don’t wanna walk all the way over to close the door.”

Nursey nods, silent. Without so much as a greeting, he brings over the drink, mumbling, “here,” and handing it off.

Chris takes it one-handedly-- with the other, he catches Nursey’s wrist, holding him in place and peering up at him.

He looks a little better-- not much, mind-- but his eyes aren’t so red, and he makes eye contact for a few seconds.

“How are you? Really,” he asks evenly. Nursey laughs. There’s very little humor in it.

“I’ll be fine,” he says. “Just need some time, y’know.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Nursey snaps. “Fine, I feel like shit, is that what you wanted? You wanna know so fucking bad? Did you even want a drink, Chowder, or what? Wanna fucking throw it at me? Did Dex want this fucking drink, and he just didn’t wanna say anything? What?!”

Chris waits until Nursey tires himself out, looking angry and heartbroken, and it hurts him to stay quiet like this, to let Nursey say the negative stuff that festers inside of himself, but he knows intrinsically that the other boy needs it.

Finally, Nursey’s rant ends, and instantly, he looks ashamed of himself, clenching up his jaw and looking away.

“Sorry,” he whispers. “I don’t... I didn’t mean to... y’know. Sorry.”

“Do you wanna sleep here tonight?”

He looks back to him. “Huh?”

“Do you wanna sleep here, with me? I just... I thought... I mean, it’s better than sleeping alone, right?” Chris puts on a brave smile, like his heart isn’t thumping, like it isn’t taking everything in him not to tremble at the sight of his teammate like this.

Nursey-- no, Derek, looks... lost. Like the kid they all kind of are, dressed up in grownup’s shoes.

“Dee?” he murmurs, hesitant, and Derek breaks, swallowing tightly; all at once, he nods, the green of his eyes warbling with unshed tears.

Hastily, Chris rises to hold him, and Derek’s weight sags against him the second he envelops him in his hold. He shudders, once, twice, lets out a muffled sob, and Chris squeezes him, presses him to his chest as Derek cries.

It takes time for Chris to get Derek into bed, but he does it, whispering gentle platitudes into his dark curls. Derek drops onto the mattress clumsily, and Chris kneels in front of him, squeezing his hands with gentle pressure. “Let’s get ready for bed,” he prompts, and his friend nods, and goes slowly to his clothing to undress.

Chris strips in record time, finding something for Derek amongst his own clothes. He’s a little bigger, a little more muscled, but he’s always been lean, and Chris himself wears baggy clothes sometimes. A pair of older shorts and a Sharks tee, and Derek is sitting at the edge of his bed, arms around himself tightly.

Chowder lifts the blankets on his side. “C’mon, babe,” he says, coaxing, a hand cupping his elbow. It isn’t until Derek is tucked into his side that Chris even notices the endearment, too caught up in taking care of the boy beside him.

Well, there’s no time for that. If Derek hadn’t noticed, it wasn’t important. He would worry about that... some other time. Sometime appropriate.

“Is this okay?”

Derek tenses; immediately, Chris pulls his arm from around his waist-- or tries to, anyways, but Derek’s hand catches his wrist, pulling him back. His grip is iron.

“Don’t,” he mumbles into Chris’ neck. “Please.”

Chris goes soft, tucks Derek into his arms and holds him while he shakes, while the hot tears drop wetly onto his own warm skin and Derek’s long fingers twist in the fabric of Chris’ tee.

“C?” Nursey rasps, after what feels like hours, and Chris looks down at him, startling.

Oh god, he even looks beautiful when he cries.

It was true: the red rimming his eyes made the green of his irises stand out, framed by tears darkening and crystallizing on his long lashes. Blood had rushed to his cheeks, flushing them, as well as his lips, giving them a reddened, kiss-swollen appearance. Chris’ own face goes hot; Derek bites his bottom lip and he can’t bear to draw his eyes away from it.

“Yeah?”

“...can you kiss me?”

Chris inhales sharply. “We shouldn’t--”

“I know.”

“You--”

Derek surges up and seals their mouths together. Every protest-- token and legitimate-- dies on his lips and is swiped away by Derek’s tongue. 

Every atom of him feels like it’s on fire. His own tongue curls around the expanse of Derek’s mouth, swallowing the hot gasp that pours from it-- Derek’s fingers tighten, fisting the fabric in his grasp near-desperately. His free hand sneaks into Chris’ jet black hair, folding silkily through the pin-straight strands and then, as Chris responds with a groan, catching his lip between his teeth, his fingers tighten, deliciously.

Before he knows it, Chris is half on top of Derek, pressing him into the bed with their lips melded together. By the time he realizes what he’s doing, he’s shoving a knee between Derek’s thighs and dragging him close by the waist.

Fuck.

Chowder pulls away with a curse. Derek’s eyes fly open, half a moan tearing out of his throat-- the pupils are blown black, skin wrought with an impassioned rush of blood. 

“I’m sorry,” Chris blurts out. “I’m sorry, Dee, but we- I- no. Not now, not-- not like this, okay? Not, like, never! But just... just not now. Not when you’re hurting like this.”

Derek swallows. “Right,” he says, suddenly quiet. “Sorry, you.. you probably want me to go.”

“No!”

Derek freezes. Chris gulps nervously, and then sits back on his calves, pulling Derek with him.

“Stay. Please.”

He hesitates. “I...”

“Derek.”

He bites his lip; quietly, after a few minutes, Derek nods. Chris breathes a sigh of relief.

“Thank you. C’mon, let’s sleep,” he says gratefully, and Nursey nods again, shifting to allow Chowder space on the bed. It takes time, but after a few moments of awkward shuffling, he pulls Nursey into his chest, fed up with discomfort and stiltedness. Nursey settles into it immediately, taking sharp little breaths that calm when he unconsciously syncs them up to Chris’.

Derek is asleep in minutes. Chris, spooned up behind him, follows just after between one breath and the next.

In the morning, when Chris wakes, he’s alone. Derek is gone. He’s clutching a pillow-- and drooled on it a little, which, embarrassing, he hopes he didn’t drool on Nursey-- and when he sits up, he sees a notebook at the end of the bed. 

It’s nothing to reach for it, so he does, rubbing sleep from his eyes. It doesn’t say much, but it’s clearly from Nursey.

Thanks. -DMN

[shhh-no-ones-home]

rules of the game (3/3)* chris motionless x reader

+++++++++

part 1 part 2 part 3

originally i was not going to make a part three to this series. like i had thought about it but never figured id actually write it. but here it is anyways! i actually kinda like the way this came out and i hope you all do too, or at least those that like the first two lol. and i know ive said it a few times before but i believe this is officially my longest one shot, coming in at a whopping 2620 words! yay! it doesnt feel that long though, i promise.

*- First time, kinda aggressive

Song: from Eden by hozier

tag list: @musicsexandpizza69 @svintsandghosts @alilpunkrock @cynic-spirit @theoneandonlykymberlee @thisplace-ishaunted @lifeisabitchandsoareyou @satans-arse 

(there were two that i have been tagging that urls dont come up for anymore, so if you were on the tag list and still see my posts let me know if you would still like to be added and what name to use. i will gladly add it if you wish.)

+++++++++

"I can't believe this is it."

I whispered to Chris as the principal gave his speech. We were all sat on the bleachers waiting for him to finish so we could take the graduating-class picture.

"Yeah if he'd ever shut up."

Chris torted back, making me giggle.

"Do you think he just likes to hear himself talk or what?"

I asked, Chris trying to stifle his laugh.

"No, no, I definitely think that's it."

He commented. Then one of the teachers started snapping in our direction, making both of us shy away.

"Now, the moment you've all been waiting for."

We watched as he got off the stage, the photographer coming up and getting us in the frame. A moment later it was done and everyone was getting back up to find their friends. I sighed as they all moved around us, loudly I might add. Then Chris nudged me.

"Hey, what are you doing after?"

I looked at him and shrugged.

"I don't know, I think Jack said something about going to lunch maybe? Did he call you?"

He frowned.

"No, he didn't."

I raised a brow, noticing jack climbing the bleachers to get to us with loud stomping motions.

"Dudes!"

He called, taking his graduation cap off and throwing it at me. I caught it, laughing at him as he smiled widely at us.

"Almost done!"

He said excitedly.

"One more day."

I noted, handing his cap back to him before taking my own off.

"You ready for lunch?"

He asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, we all going?"

I asked and his smile got a little smaller.

"I mean I guess, but I was hoping it could just be the two of us."

He said a little hopeful. I was a bit surprised.

"Oh i-"

Chris cleared his throat.

"That's okay, maybe we can do something after."

I looked at him a little disappointed.

"You sure?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, you two go ahead. I'll catch you later."

He stood up, clasped his hand into Jack's for a bro-huh, and hopped down the bleachers. I looked up at jack who had a huge smile on his face.

"Ready to go?"

He asked. I nodded and stood with his help.

"Yeah, let's hit it."

°°°°°°°°°

I sat across the table from Jack and pushed my fork around the plate.

"You okay?"

He asked, re-situating in the booth. I nodded slowly, not looking up at him.

"Yeah. I'm great."

I heard him sigh.

"Is it so bad that it's just the two of us?"

I looked up at him with wide eyes.

"No, of course not. I guess I just feel bad."

He laughed a little bit.

"Well in all fairness three is a crowd. And I was kinda hoping this could be like a, I don't know, a first date?"

I was very taken aback.

"Oh."

I said, looking back down to my plate.

"Unless that's not what you had in mind."

He said, making me look back up at him.

"Cause we could do other things. If that's what your into."

I shook my head.

"No, no, that's not it. I just. I guess I don't really see you like that, jack."

He frowned.

"Right. Cause I'm not good enough? Is that it?"

He hit the table before running his fingers through his hair. I was a little shocked.

"Of course that's it."

He said a little more angrily.

"i dont even know why i thought this would work. stupid."

I was getting kind of scared. He looked around the room, anywhere but me. He laughed to himself.

"Ya know what, I'm gonna go."

He nodded a few times before pulling his wallet out and dropping a twenty on the table. He stood abruptly, almost knocking his chair over.

"I'll see you at graduation."

I went to say something but he walked away and out the door before I could even try. I stared at the table until the waitress came back.

"Is everything okay over here?"

She asked.

"Can I get you anything else?"

I cleared my throat.

"Actually, do you have a phone I could use?"

°°°°°°°°°

I stood outside the restaurant with my arms crossed over my chest and waited. Jack had driven me there, I was just glad we had stopped at my house to drop my cap and gown off first so I didn't have to leave it in his car. Jack ass. I shook my head at the thought before seeing Chris pull into the parking lot. I sighed in relief, wiping the tear that had managed its way down my cheek. He pulled into the space in front of me and immediately got out, not even turning the engine off. I watched him as he walked quickly to me, leaving his door open.

"Hey, what happened?"

He asked trying to examine me. That's when I broke down, full blown crying, as he pulled me into him for a hug. I held him tightly as he rubbed my back.

"It's okay, hey, I'm here. I've got you."

He said softly as I cried into his chest. It was stupid to cry about it but I was scared. The anger on jacks face was unlike any of ever seen on him before, and when he left I had no idea what I was gonna do. I felt Chris kiss the top of my head before petting my hair lightly.

"It's okay. I've got you."

He said again. I pulled away and wiped my face.

"I'm fine."

I said through a Shakey voice. He looked so worried as he held my arms in his hands.

"You don't have to lie to me."

I shook my head.

"No, I'm fine, let's just go."

He nodded.

"Okay."

I stepped out of his grip and walked to the passenger side, getting in the car and buckling the seat belt, waiting patiently for him to do the same. When he closed his door I jumped.

"Okay, y/n, that is not normal, what happened?"

I shook my head.

"Can we please just go home."

I asked, looking over to him seriously.  He frowned before doing as told, and pulling out of the spot.

"I'll kick his ass if you need me to kick his ass."

He said, making me laugh a little. He looked over at me and smiled.

"There's the y/n I know."

I sent him a knowing look.

"He wanted it to be a date."

I said matter-of-factly. He drew his brows as he cruised down the street.

"A date?"

He said in disbelief, laughing a little.

"That can't be right."

I nodded.

"I was a little surprised too. When I told him I didn't see him like that he kinda flipped. I've never seen him so mad before."

I could see the look on his face burned into my memory and I hated it.

"He got mad at you?"

I tried to think on it.

"I'm not sure if it was necessarily geared towards me but he was mad that's for sure. It scared me."

Chris looked at me confused.

"So I do need to kick his ass."

The sentiment made me laugh again. His scrawny self would not be able to take Jack in a fair fight. We both knew that.

"I just wanna forget about this. It was weird and I wanna spend time with someone half way normal. Please."

I pleaded as he came to a stop outside my house.

"You think I'm normal?"

He mocked pride, making me laugh again.

"At least you don't terrify me."

He frowned a bit.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that. That's not fair to you. He shouldn't have done that."

I nodded slowly.

"Right."

I looked to him long enough to see him looking around.

"Where's your dad?"

He said, noticing the missing car. I shrugged.

"He's on a business trip till tomorrow afternoon. He should be home just in time to see us walk."

He hummed in response. I just stared at him for a second before an idea popped into my head. i sent him a look.

"...What?"

He asked a little skeptical. Within a second I had my seat belt unbuckled and was pushing forward to kiss him. He was a little surprised at first but kissed back anyway. When I pulled away I covered my mouth.

"I'm sorry!"

I said, noticing his dazed appearance.

"Hey, I'm not complaining."

He offered a goofy grin, making me giggle. I looked to the house and then back at him.

"Come on, we've got the house to ourselves."

I said raising my brows quickly and got out of his car. I paced to the door and unlocked it, hearing his keys jingle as they hit against his leg, dangling from his belt loop. After a second he was behind and I was pushing the door open. I turned back around and immediately brought him down to kiss me. He was a little slow to react but brought his hands to my hips anyway. I backed slowly into the living room, holding his head as we made out. He tasted like cinnamon this time, it was the gum he usually kept on him, it was nice.

When my ankles hit the couch I dropped, looking up at him with hopeful eyes. I sat back as he moved to straddle me,  bringing his hand down to caress my cheek. He looked over my face before connecting our lips again. He pulled away slowly and began kissing down my jaw. When he reached my ear lobe he bit it lightly.

"Want another hickie?"

He said softly, making me close my eyes and nod.

"Go for it."

I breathed out, bringing my hands to his hips as he kissed and sucked down my neck. I was reveling in the feeling as he moved further down.

"Do you want more than that this time?"

He said lowly. I looked to the ceiling for a second.

"Yes."

He sat back and looked at me.

"How much more?"

He asked with a raised brow. I smirked at him before picking his hand up, hooking my fingers into a black bracelet, and snapping it off his wrist.

"I think I could do that."

He said half impressed. I looked at him with a dark gaze.

"Good. I want today to completely turn around."

He connected our lips for a second before climbing off of me and pulling me to the side so my legs were on the couch and my back was to the arm rest. He pushed my knees apart before laying directly in-between them and kissing me again. I hooked my arms around his neck and moaned into him as he pushed his hips into mine. He kept the movement going and I could feel him getting harder against me. The thought alone drove me crazy as he moved back to kissing along my neck, this time tracing his hand along my body too. I did the same, lightly running my hand down his back. When I was down far enough I grabbed his shirt and started pulling it up. He took that as an invitation, sitting up and tossing it off. My eyes traveled down his body before being met with his jeans being very low on his hips. I bit my lip at the sight of the bulge growing in his pants.

"Are you still... ya know?"

He asked and I nodded, laughing a little bit.

"yeah, Just be gentle."

I said, sitting up and unbuckling his belt. He watched me intently as I unbuttoned his pants, pushing them down along with his boxers. His erection sprang free and my eyes got wide. I looked up at him and he smirked.

"I'll be extra careful."

He said seductively before kissing me and pulling up my shirt too. When it was on the floor he pushed me back and got to work on my jeans, undoing them quickly and pulling them down in one swift motion with my panties. I felt beyond exposed and self conscious for a second before he began kissing up my stomach. I sighed at the feeling, relaxing more.

"Beautiful."

He said as he worked his way back up my body. He slid his hand up my body, making me shiver before he gripped my boob in his large hand. I moaned at the sensation, feeling him knead it in his palm.

"You ready?"

He asked and I nodded.

"As I'll ever be."

He kissed me reassuringly before looking down. I watched as he grabbed himself, running his tip up and down me.

"So wet."

He mentioned before pushing his tip into me. My breathing hitched at the feeling. as he pushed into me slowly I looked up to the ceiling, clenching my jaw. It wasn't exactly painful but it was definitely uncomfortable.

"You still okay?"

He asked halfway in. I nodded.

"Just keep going."

He nodded back and did as told, bottoming out. I let out the breath I was holding in as he leaned back over me.

"It's okay, it'll feel better once you're used to it."

I nodded as he began pulling out. He was halfway out before he started pushing back in. I immediately gripped onto his shoulders, gasping at the feeling. He looked over my face.

"Do you want me to stop?"

I shook my head.

"No, we're gonna get through this. Together."

He kissed my forehead and pulled halfway out again before pushing back in. That time was much better, making me moan lightly at the feeling. He smiled down at me and did it again. I squeezed his shoulders as he kept moving.

"Better?"

He asked and I nodded, dropping my head back as he moved in and out of me.

"God yes."

I moaned. He kept moving, picking up the pace a bit.

"God yes!"

I called, him dropping his head to the crook of my neck. I could hear and feel his labored breathing as he moved. I pushed my hips up into his and he grunted against my shoulder.

"Oh my God, Chris."

I whined, dragging my finger nails down his arm. He had picked up a decent pace by now and though I was still uncomfortable, it was still a pleasure unlike any I'd ever felt.

"Fuck."

He grunted out, pushing into me harshly. I let out a whine at the feeling, tears stinging my eyes. I felt his fingers trail down my torso before he pushed his index finger against my clit. I moaned loudly, pushing my hips up into him. I froze before feeling my body shake against him, a wave of pleasure overtaking me. I breathed heavily as he pushed into me again, moaning too as he paused. I could feel him twitch inside of me before pulling out and shooting his load onto my stomach. He practically yelled as he came undone, his face flushing red and his eyes dark. He panted for a second before falling into the couch next to me.

"Shit."

He breathed out, laughing as his hand made its way to his forehead. I laughed a little too, feeling fire between my legs at the loss of contact.

"If you ever need that again, don't hesitate to ask."

He joked, making me for-real laugh.

"I'll keep that in mind."

I said, my breathing finally going back to normal. He sat up.

"Here, let me go get something for that."

He stood up off the couch, pulling his pants back up and disappearing down the hall. When he came back he had a wash cloth in his hand. I watched as he wiped it across my stomach, getting his cum off of me.

"Thanks."

I Joked. He winked at me.

"Any time."

[ohwhatamessiam]

Self Control - Chapter 11

Summary: Thanksgiving break comes and goes. And it leaves you angry, wondering how much Chris really cares about you. Will he prove that he wants this, or will he let your spark burn out?

Pairing: Professor!Chris Evans X TA!Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings: Language, angst, lots of pain (the tweets from Brandon outlined this turn of events), I’m really sorry but y’all are gonna hate me for this one.

A/N: Hi everyone! I made it back for an update under 9 months this time (barely lol). There’s only 2 more chapters left in Self Control, and you guys will probably hate me for them, but this is the path we’re on together! Thank you all for your patience, and thank you to @fangirlisms-22. I have started on the next chapter but knowing me, it’ll be a while before it’s done. I’m going to ask y’all to be patient again. I tried to tag everyone, but some blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or won’t let me tag them. Let me know if you need me to change your url on my list. Here’s the Spotify playlist for the entire fic.

I love feedback, so send me your thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc!

Tags are still barely open for this story, so send me an ask here to be added to it or my permanent list!

Self Control | Masterlist

A week of radio silence goes by and you’re left alone with your thoughts. And lonely, desperate thoughts are not your friends. 

You try to stay in for the weekend, telling yourself that the distance is for the best. It’s giving you time to work on your story. You tear that piece to shreds and stitch it back together 10 times over. Your heart is starting to feel that same way.

Wednesday afternoon you realize you’ve run completely out of your grad student food staples: mac and cheese, tortillas, shredded cheese, peanut butter, and milk. And there’s only one box of cereal left on top of your fridge. Corn flakes. The bland cereal Chris loved so much. 

You can’t bring yourself to touch it. 

Forcing your body into a pair of sweatpants and shoes, you leave the apartment. The sun feels too bright for your sensitized eyes, and the temperature is much colder than you planned for, but you know better than to turn back. If you go back, you won’t come out until you have to see him after break.

As you pull into the grocery store it finally hits you. It’s already Thanksgiving eve. That much time had slipped away from you.

You trudge through the throngs of people scrambling for last minute items. No one pays any attention to your state of disarray.

Luckily, your basic needs are in stock and you’re able to get what you need without too much difficulty. You’re about to head to the registers when you stop at the liquor aisle. The thought only has to enter your mind before your feet immediately pivot toward the wine section.

You find 3 of the cheapest, most tolerable bottles and are stuffing them in your cart when you hear glass clanking behind you. You turn to find two of the last people you wanted to see.

Sebastian and Dr. Mackie.

“Oh shit,” Sebastian yelps as he tries to balance three separate bottles of liquor in one arm. Dr. Mackie snickers at him as he adds another bottle to their collection. 

You shift quickly, trying to keep your back to them. There’s no need for a conversation on a day like today.

“(Y/N),” Sebastian calls out. 

Your whole body tenses, fingers clenching the cart handle. How did he even know it was you in your chaotic state?

Footsteps approach you and you try to muster the strength to face them. At your best, you gather a forced smile.

“Hi (Y/N),” he grins as he slides up to your cart, Dr. Mackie in tow. 

“Hi guys,” you manage. You catch how Dr. Mackie’s eyes flash to your hair, and then your clothes. You try not to get caught up on how that makes you want to crawl home, with or without groceries. 

“What are you doing in town? It’s Thanksgiving,” Sebastian asks as he tries to pay more attention to his assortment of alcohol instead of your appearance.

“I’m staying here for break. My family’s a little spread out, so it’s hard to pick a side.” You glance over at Dr. Mackie, hoping that answer seems somewhat believable. 

He seems to buy it as he nods, “I get that.”

You’d never seen these men outside of an academic environment, and when you finally notice their current clothing, you feel the tiniest bit better about running into them. Dr. Mackie’s wearing a navy polo and a pair of gray chinos, while Sebastian’s in a pair of black jeans and a red henley.  

Something about seeing even your colleagues out of business casual, made you feel a little special. Like you were welcomed into Chris’s friend group with open arms. Like the relationship you and Chris have could exist both inside and outside of school safely.

Or had.

“If you’re staying in town, why didn’t you answer our email?” Sebastian asks.

“What email?” Your mind is already trying to remember the last time you glanced at your school account. It must have been nearly a week. But why would you check it when clearly staring at your text messages and voicemails from Chris had been filling your weaker moments?

“The one where we reached out to every grad student and faculty member whom had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving, and invited them to a potluck in the Webster hall student lounge?”

Your eyes shift between the men nervously, “Oh, uh, I must have missed that one.”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Mackie answers.

“Well look,” Sebastian continues, “we’re going to have a lot of food, and just need people to eat it now.”

“You could absolutely just bring a bottle of wine and load up a plate.” Dr. Mackie adds as he notices the bottles in your cart. Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize you already have plans to finish those bottles by yourself, and maybe even before Thanksgiving.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.” More like you really hope you never have to leave your apartment again.

“Ah, you already have plans.”

You don’t, but you nod like you do in hopes they’ll back off. 

“Well I’m sure we’ll have leftovers,” Sebastian’s eyes become too sharp as the words leave his mouth, “so if you wanna stop by after you’re done doing whatever you have to do, you’re welcome to.” His tone of voice leaves you surprised he didn’t just outright wink at you.

But apparently he didn’t know yet. Chris hadn’t told him about your “distance.”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to, but I’ll try.”

“Good,” Dr. Mackie nods, his eyes cutting to Sebastian, clearly trying to get his friend to leave you alone. You know the only time you’ve spent with him was at the faculty dinner, but inside you quietly thank him.

“Yeah, great. And you can bring anyone if you want. Thanksgiving is about sharing.” Sebastian’s eyes stay on yours, still unsubtly trying to communicate that Chris is welcome. Under his gaze, you feel a bubble of tension build in your chest, the precursor to more tears. 

“I won’t bring anyone, but thank you for offering.” You need to get out of here. You will not cry in front of Chris’s friends and colleagues. You drop your focus back onto your grocery cart, trying to stave off the warmth behind your eyes.

“You are very welcome. Seb, we should probably get going now,” Dr. Mackie swoops in for the save. “Whether we see you or not, have a good Thanksgiving (Y/N).” And he’s already guiding Sebastian away from you.

“Thanks, you too,” you call out. They don’t answer, and fortunately they round the corner before the first tear drops.

_______________________________________________________________________

You finish your last bottle of wine late on Thanksgiving. You pick up your phone and nearly dial his number, but just as you reach his name in your contact list, you picture it in your mind.

Him, sitting at a large table covered in all the traditional Thanksgiving dishes. On his right is Jennifer, and she’s beaming. This is her in her element. She’s getting what she wants because Chris won’t tell his family yet that they’re getting divorced. But your mind focuses on the space between them, their joined hands sitting on the table.

You can’t help but throw your phone across the room.

You don’t need confirmation that you’re right, that your fear isn’t imaginary. But you also don’t need to sit around calling him, embarrassing yourself with desperate voice messages that ultimately won’t help your relationship.

You know there has to be something else to fill this void.

And then pull out your laptop and start writing. And it’s a very different story than the one you’ve been working on.

_______________________________________________________________________

The rest of break comes and goes, and somehow you manage to honor the “distance.” Maybe it’s that your sadness has started becoming little pockets of anger, or maybe it’s that you’ve already cried and moped enough. 

But the first day back to classes, you go in with your head held high.

You made it this long without caving and calling, or going to see him. It’ll hurt, but you’ll make it through a class together. You end up being one of the first people in a seat, the students seem to have gotten slower since Thanksgiving break. Lethargic and ready for winter break already.

Winter break was supposed to be when you and Chris could end your distance, your weird work power dynamics would be over and neither of you could lose their job. But what used to feel like a hopeful promise felt like a drawn out execution now. If Thanksgiving had gone even vaguely how you imagined it had for him, you were sure the end was coming. 

Part of what made you love Chris was his heart, his empathy, his willingness to try to see the best in people. And while those traits hadn’t been applied to Jennifer in a while, you were nearly positive they could be again.

Tom comes in at his usual time, but sits at the end of the row behind you. You find that odd, but barely have a moment to dwell on it before Chris arrives. And his face is clean shaven.

A piece of your heart sinks, and you slip further into your chair. 

He avoids eye contact with you until after he has the presentation pulled up on the projector and the rest of the class has filed in. He takes a deep breath, his hands gripping the sides of the podium, and he looks out at the room. But his eyes seem to gloss over the break-hungover students and fall on you.

You feel yourself gulp, but you don’t look away. Not yet. His clothes are nicer, less rumpled than before break. His hair is shorter and slicked back, like it had been at the beginning of the semester. And his wedding ring seems to just catch the fluorescent lights perfectly. 

Everything but his gaze feels foreign. Almost too different than your Chris.

And that’s when you drop your gaze back to your laptop. Of course he’d been home long enough to do laundry and look like his old self again. Maybe it was for his family over break, but maybe it was for Jennifer. 

He watches you for one more moment, and then focuses back on the students. “Good afternoon, class. I hope everyone had a good break.”

Hearing his voice hurts worse than seeing him, but you straighten your spine and get through class. He does not hang his attention on you again, and the only one who seems to notice besides you, is Tom.

_______________________________________________________________________

Your office hours feel like slow torture since you’re left alone with your thoughts about Chris again. And how he looked. And how he barely looked at you.

You wish for a distraction. A student, Robert to come in, or even Tom to show up even though he’d been icy towards you recently. But you get nothing.

So instead, you work on the new piece you started over break. That piece about cycles, and circumstances. About love given, and love lost. About power dynamics and the risks you take when you ignore them. 

Office hours nearly end before you look up. 

And Chris is standing on the other side of your open door, not knocking, but not walking away. You’re not sure what to make of that. 

Is he stopping himself from rushing up to you? Or is he forcing himself to stay there until you say something, until you force him to admit what’s really happening here?

He finally meets your eyes and your heart drops. Just like it had during that awful phone call. And you knew what that meant then, and what that says now.

But you try to fight it. You tell yourself it is just paranoia.

“Hi,” you say, your voice coming out short, trying to hide its shakiness.

“Hi.” Just one word from his lips and your very marrow wants to crawl to him, pleading to forget Thanksgiving break. Forget whatever transpired then. Remember what you had before. What you could have next.

But you stay in your seat and watch him step into your office gingerly. His eyes take in the room, either looking for new evidence in support of your relationship, or looking for a distraction so he doesn’t have to say it. Or at least that’s what it looks like. 

His hands are shoved in his pockets, his shoulders hunched. And it makes this feel even sadder.  He’s resigned to this. Whatever’s coming, he doesn’t really want it. Not fully. 

You can’t take it anymore, you have to end this pointless staring. His at your office, yours waiting for him.

“So, what do you need?”

His face changes, the slightest furrow of his brows, the gentlest sigh. As if you wounded him, rushing him through this moment. A moment you were starting to want over.

He closes your office door, leaving you two alone in a room with so many memories. A room that just a couple weeks ago held what you hoped was the promise of a future.

“We need to talk,” he says, sitting on the edge of the seat across from you. You nod, but don’t say anything. Not until you know what kind of talk this is.

He stares at you for a moment, watching your face, waiting for it to change, shift into something else. But you keep your emotions away from the surface. You’ve had enough time to think about this during your distance.

He finally continues, “This Thanksgiving was tense. A lot happened. A lot was said. But the time apart helped me figure somethings out.”

“Like what?” You watch as his fingers twitch, his eyes roaming you for clues on what you want to hear.

“Like, I’m not the only one who’s been seeing someone else. She wouldn’t tell me who, but I can’t help but feel like it was her way of throwing us in my face.” He pauses, but you don’t break, don’t reach for his hand or tell him he’s right. You wait for the rest.

“And I learned that our families aren’t ready for a divorce yet.” His eyes focus on the edge of your desk. He still won’t stand up to them yet. 

He knows this isn’t fair to you. And he won’t even look you in the eye as he admits it.

“So, where does that leave me?” A fire fuels in your belly, you want to scream at him. You can’t keep living in this state of distance. That he needs to figure out whether he wants you more than he wants to avoid conflict with her and his family.

“As someone I want a future with.” He’s watching your chest now, the way your breath fills your lungs, and you hold it in, praying that he’ll just drop the other shoe. “As someone I could see myself growing old with, living a full, creative life together.”

“But?” 

He hesitates and you try to keep the air moving in and out of your body. You do not have any new breath-held wishes, everything you could ever hope for from this moment has already found a home in your mind. And it is accompanied by all your fears about this relationship, and its end. 

But the way his shoulders slump, and his elbows dig into his knees as he leans on them. The way his head now hangs in his hands. You feel that your fears are unfortunately, closer to this reality.

“But not someone I can have a now with.” 

Your heart felt it coming, and it hurts worse than you ever would have expected.

That fire is in your chest now, beating your lungs, eating the oxygen from them. Like a hit to the gut. There’s no more breath to hold. 

Was this relationship always going to be a waiting game? Or just a dalliance to fill the time?

“This time apart, this distance has already been painful enough, Chris. But I was doing it to protect both of us.”

He raises his head, and his watery eyes catch on your own, “It’s been terrible not seeing you, not talking to you. It’s been painful for me too. But it’s been for the best.”

“Best as in it protects us for our future? Or best as in it allows you to give your marriage another shot?” Will he stop trying to dance his way around this, stop softening this? You need a clear answer on where you stand, and where you are going to be moving forward.

“I- I’m afraid to say both.”

And that hits you with an overwhelming force. Your heart has sunk so far, you are not even sure you have one anymore. You just want to curl into a ball and cry. But instead, you let that fire from before crawl its way into your mouth. “So do you want me to wait around for you? Let you test the waters with Jennifer again until you're sure you want to be with me? Because that’s not what I signed up for with us.”

“I know that, and that’s not what I wanted for us either.” 

“And if I wait any longer, I’m not protecting us anymore. I’m protecting you, and your life, while mine gets boxed away. But what I want should matter too.”

“Y/N, it does,” he whispers, but it doesn’t slow you down.

“Should we still even try to be together? If you’re not sure that this is it, that I am who you should be with, what’s the point? What are we holding out for?”

All the air from the room feels like it has been sucked out. Chris is staring at you like you’ve wrecked his whole world. And inside, it absolutely feels like you’ve just ripped apart your own. But you know it had to be said. 

“Because I love you. And you love me.”

“Is that enough Chris? Because it’s starting to seem like it isn’t anymore.”

He looks at you, eyes wide as his lower lip trembles softly, but you remind yourself to hold your ground. He was the one who’d come in there to tell you he might go back to his wife. He was the one who had already planned on doing this.

“It was, it is. We just need to wait it out. See if Jennifer and Robert will leave us alone.”

“They already know, and so does probably half of the department.” You hope your words aren’t actually true, but between all the conversations you had before break, it sure as hell feels like it. “I’m not staying your secret affair. I’m not your office hours hook up because you can’t tolerate your wife. You either tell me right now that you will fully work on what we have, or you tell me it’s over.”

His eyes are searching your office again, looking for courage, or maybe an excuse. He doesn’t seem to find it, and his focus settles on your joined hands. You clench them together, a silent prayer for the truth. 

“I can’t do either of those things.”

Your breath catches in your throat. You just want a straight goddamn answer. “Chris…”

“I can’t. Because I don’t want to lose you, it hurts so much to be apart from you. But I can’t gamble with the rest of my life, my job, my family. I can’t just ignore them and run away again. It’s not working out for any of us that way.”

You want to snap that it was working out fine for you, but you try not to be more selfish than you already feel. And as well as you were making out, he is right, these last few months hadn’t been perfect. Except you don’t want perfect, you just want a promise to try. A whole-hearted attempt. 

Instead, you stay quiet for a moment, watching him, taking him in. His clearly upset features, his body perched on the edge of his seat. His words are telling you that the one fear you had grown so very close to this entire break, is real. His already established, semi-comfortable life is more important than you, or your happiness. And you had really wanted to be wrong.

“That is my answer.” Your mouth finally moves, saying what you were thinking all along. “Your inability to make a decision is everything I need to know.”

“I didn’t want this to happen (Y/N). I don’t want this to be over.” His hands reach out for yours, searching for a physical connection, a spark. Something that will help him soften this, or make you change your mind.

But it won’t. And you pull your fingers from your desk.

“Then you should have thought about that earlier, Chris. You should have considered whether kissing me in this hallway could ruin your life. That sleeping with me in your office could demolish everything. You should have decided then, if this last 3 months was worth it, to risk it all? Because I decided that then. I decided I wanted you, and this, but I knew I might regret it one day. And you’ve probably proven me right.”

Chris’s eyes latch onto your own, shock lifting his brows so gently. Like you’ve landed the final blow, you knocked him out. But this wasn’t a match for you to win. No, this was a mercy kill. You know now this relationship had to end before it sacrificed what was left of your control, and your sanity.

“I always wanted this. There’s not a single second I’ve regretted it.” His tone comes out rough, as if the anger you’ve let out finally reaches his own gut. And you hope it burns as much for him as it does for you.

“Good for you. But if you really wanted this, why didn’t you tell me about Jennifer’s sudden interest in getting back together earlier? Why didn’t you tell your family that you guys are over? That there’s no hope for your marriage, and that you’re ready to move on? Would you rather have a second chance with her instead of a first, real chance with me?”

You look down at your own hands in your lap, your fingers twisted together. And for a moment you second guess this whole conversation. Is this really how this has to go? “Or at least that’s what I asked myself over and over again during break.”

He stays quiet, his eyes shifting down, settling on his knees. They bounce as his heels tap the floor. His nerves are so raw, that he might just be finally admitting to himself, that this has reached its conclusion. That maybe this was never going to end any differently.

The words leave his mouth so quietly, you almost miss them. “So this is the end then?” 

As much as this already feels like slicing a part of yourself off, you were staying strong. But his tone, its soft resignation, it builds a heat behind your eyes. And your tears threaten to let loose.

“I’ll finish the semester as your TA, but yes. I-” the crack in your voice gives away more than you’ve shown this entire conversation. And his baby blues latch on to it, to you. A final, silent pleading. But you gulp, “I think it is.” 

Inside you are begging for him to say no, it’s not. That he won’t let this be the end. That you are more important than Jennifer, than his family, than anyone’s opinion.

He nods to himself, his eyes squeezing shut. He takes a moment to make himself accept it, and then he pushes himself up.

“I’m sorry this is how we’re ending, (Y/N). I never meant to compromise your feelings or your wants. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But I understand how my intentions have gotten lost in our situation.” He moves to your door, turning his back to you. 

You feel your bottom lip quiver as the tears in your eyes start to bleed out.

“I’m sorry too, Chris.” He hesitates, looking back at you as his hand reaches the door knob. “Goodbye.”

One more quick nod as his gaze drops, attempting to ignore your quiet sob. His fingers push open the door and he whispers, “Goodbye.”

And then he’s gone, and your office hours are over, and you want to be anywhere but here. But as you try to stand, you can’t move yet. This loss feels paralyzing. Your limbs lock in denial, your mind wants to bargain now. But you know it’s too late.

So you sit there, and cry every tear out you can, waiting for the pain to subside. Waiting for your breath to stop shaking. Waiting for you to feel confident in your choices.

And eventually, it does. And you do.

_______________________________________________________________________

Tags: @irishdancr24​ @lostboyinneverland​ @dianaofsthemyscira​​ @funlizzie02-blog​ @void-imaginations​ @cryingovershipsthatneversailed​ @breezykpop​ @jcc04220​ @nys30​ @jonsnowisnotdeadthough​ @guera31​ @wickedcitywitch @london-dreamer71​ @patzammit​ @lilypalmer1987​ @talannalew​ @thatonetuesdaywhensam @supperunnatural20​ @evanstanfanatic​ @lucinapomona​ @r5rocks101​ @dolphinpink310​ @bojabee​ @zlixlle​ @smashley816​ @youtheheckisbucky​ @bit-of-a-timelord​ @sebastian-i-stan​ @stevieang​ @suz-123​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @ssweet-empowerment​ @sophiealiice​ @imaginesofdreams​ @anotherawkwardaustralian​ @lostxsea​

Slashed through names couldn’t be tagged 

[mia-cooper]

2019 fanfiction in review

I usually put more effort into pimping my favourite fics of the year, boosting a few new writers in my fandoms, etc. This year, however, I have not, for reasons both within and beyond my control. Which is pretty much my excuse for not Doing Better with writing for the past month or so, but hey. At least there’s this.

.......................................................

1. Best fic(s) you read all year, and why?

How can I even begin to list all the beautiful, shocking, feel-good, feel-terrible-but-in-a-good-way, envy-inducing, page-turning, soul-destroying, fluffy, hilarious, infuriating and horny fics I’ve read this year? I can’t. So I will instead list three that come immediately to mind.

@curator-on-ao3 – The Dismissed Protocol (rated T, VOY, TNG, Janeway & Crusher)

This fic made me angry. So angry that I left a ranty and incoherent comment, slammed down the lid on my laptop and stormed around the house for a bit. Why was I so pissed, you ask? Because this fic hit a good few of my personal triggers around bodily autonomy and the right to make informed choices, and because although the fic ends triumphantly, it’s somewhat of a pyrrhic victory and it left a really bad taste in my mouth. Which, considering this is fiction, is the mark of some really good writing. When it comes to tackling difficult topics with a fresh and thought-provoking perspective, and without opting for the easy answers, Curator never disappoints. This story is just one of many examples of that in her work.

@love-in-the-time-of-kolinahr​ – it will take place without witnesses (rated E, DSC, Pike/Number One)

Okay so let me start by saying it was the author’s fucking EXCELLENT pun of a pseudonym that made me read this in the first place. Then it was the poem they quoted (Discovery by Wislawa Szymborska, which is like a portentous rocket in the guts). Then it was Una’s scales-off-the-eyes, we-are-true-equals, don’t-bullshit-me-lover candidness in the way she sees, talks to, knows Chris Pike. I adore Pike in his laconic-space-cowboy-with-a-heart Disco incarnation, I like him a lot as the CoolDad in AOS, but this fic? This fic gives me smart, forthright, deeply tender Number One, and Pike as the fractured and very human hero I hope like hell we’ll see more of because they are definitely making a Pike series RIGHT? It is written. Anyway… this fic is beautiful and harsh and deft and real and sexy and poetic and at its core it’s about love, and who doesn’t love love?

@captacorn​ – Stars in a Ruined Sky (rated M, VOY, Paris/Torres)

It took me a while to read this one because CaptAcorn was posting it at the same time I was writing my epic, and I had no brain space to maintain a hold on someone else’s dark and compelling plot. But when I picked this one up, I couldn’t put it down. It is AMAZING. A Timeless AU, set in a universe where Voyager crashed and most of the crew survived, this goes where no other 100k+ epic I’ve read before has dared to tread, and it does so without flinching. The details are what make this unforgettable – there’s no magic reset button, so when something bad happens to the crew, there are actual lasting consequences – but it’s the humanity of the characters (if I can use that word to describe a crew that includes aliens) that makes it unputdownable (fuck off, my nana said that’s a word). This is not an AU I want to think happened, but CaptAcorn makes it one that rings true. And I’ll definitely read this again when I have the emotional fortitude for it.

Wow, there’s no Janeway/Chakotay in my top three. What? So here’s a bonus:

Northernexposure’s trilogy – Soft Light, Aftershocks and Resolution (rated E, VOY, Janeway/Chakotay) – three for the price of one! I mean, when northernexposure posts a new fic I race to read it no matter what, but smut! Beautifully written, true to character, sexy sexy smut from one of my all time favourite authors! How could I turn that down?

2. Best fic(s) you published all year, and why?

Mmmyeah to be honest I kinda feel as though my writing peaked in 2017, but here we go.

Desperate Measures (rated E, VOY, Janeway/Chakotay and other pairings) – because there’s angst and smut and the plot is twisty as fuck and I feel like there’s a pretty satisfying payoff. And it’s really long and relies on the reader engaging with my OCs which people seem to have done, which makes me think that if I ever do want to go write another original novel, maybe I won’t want to burn it as soon as I’m done.

This Is The Moment (rated M, DSC, Pike/Tyler) – because these two have exhausting chemistry and I couldn’t not write this but it was hard to make it come out of my brain the way I wanted it. But I’m really happy with it.

And I have a soft spot for First Officer’s Log (rated T, VOY, Chakotay & Tuvok, implied Janeway/Paris), because I just really love Threshold, okay? And while the episode is wack on so many levels there are really dark and heavy themes to explore there which I feel have gone very unexplored and I hope my fic struck that same balance between moral philosophy and holywhatthefuckery.

3. Favourite opening line(s) in a fic you published in 2019:

From Bad Maquis (rated M, VOY, Janeway/Chakotay):

The only thing more restrictive – and bosomy – than this outfit, Kathryn mused as she stared at her reflection, was her holodeck governess costume.



Still, at least she didn’t have to leave her quarters wearing this getup, and thank goodness for small mercies. Because she was on the verge of backing down from this challenge as it was, and Kathryn Janeway did not chicken out. Ever.

I mean, it sets the scene, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t love Janeway in leather.

4. Favourite closing line(s):

This is maybe cheating a little bit because this fic isn’t finished, but this first chapter can stand alone and I won’t be continuing it for some time (first, I have to finish the two prequels, haha). Anyway, these are the closing lines from Inertia (rated T so far, VOY, Janeway/Paris and others):

When the daze clears and Tom looks up to discover that his hovercar is parked in front of an address he’s never visited but has nonetheless memorised, maybe he should feel a little bit surprised.



He doesn’t. No matter how far he tries to go or how long he stays away from her, turning up at Kathryn Janeway’s door is inevitable.

Why do I like it? Well, I have an everlasting appreciation for Janeway/Paris, for one thing. For another, if you read the rest of the story and understand what Tom has just learned, you’ll want to know what happens next. I hope. I sure want to know.

5. The fic that was best received, and your favourite comment(s) on it:

That would be Desperate Measures again. It’s my longest fic by far and I was absolutely bowled over by the response to it, but one of my favourite comments on it is this one:

It actually looks like Janeway is saying gimme and it cracks me up.

Honestly though… the depth and kindness of comments on that fic in particular, the time and thought and effort that people have put into their reviews … it made up for every moment I wanted to chuck it in and never look at that fic again, or any other.

6. The fic you wish had gotten more love:

Honestly, I was surprised there was so little response to my @voyagermirrormarch​ fic trilogy, Heaven in the Shape of Hell. I really thought they’d be crowd pleasers, but it shows what I know, lol. I haven’t even finished the third one because the lack of interest made me wonder if they were just really shite, but I’m not so butthurt about it anymore and I will come back to it someday.

7. How many fandoms you wrote for in 2019, and which inspired you most:

Does Star Trek in all its incarnations count as one fandom? If so, I wrote for two (Trek and Marvel). If all the different versions of Trek count separately, I wrote for seven (MCU, AOS (that’s Trek Alternate Original Series, not Agents of SHIELD), Disco, Mirror, Enterprise, DS9 and Voyager).

Anyway, I guess I’ll never stop being inspired by Voyager, so even if Disco season 3 and the Picard show do nothing for me, I’ll always have that.

8. Your favourite pairing(s) to write for:

I mean, Janeway x Chakotay, for sure. But I’m deeply, deeply invested in Janeway x Paris at the moment.

9. What you’re writing now/next:

I’m struggling through the second part of what was supposed to be my contribution to @25daysofvoyager​. I’m actually going to post the first part once I’m done with this quiz in the hope it’ll kick my ass into gear. I’m also on semi-hiatus from Kinetic Friction, but I’ll be going back to it as soon as I’m done with my 25 Days fic. At some point after Kinetic there’ll be the sequel, and then the rest of Inertia. I’m also contemplating something for Threshold Day, possibly throwing something into @voytalentchallenge​ (don’t count on that one), and I have an idea for a pre-Enterprise D, pre-Voyager meeting between Picard and Janeway (with smut, obvs), plus all the other fics I’m definitely going to write …

And of course there’s my meat raffle. Time to pimp that one again. Donate to AO3 and if I draw your name out of the hat of randomness I’ll write you a fic to your specifications (roughly).

10. Writing goals for 2020 (word count? new fandoms/pairings? anything?):

Look, I’d just really like to actually write to some of the prompts I’ve had sitting in my ridiculously complex filing system without getting sidetracked by the newest shiny thing to catch my eye. In terms of fandoms, I hope I’ll write more for Discovery, I’m looking forward to Picard, and I would like to branch out from Trek a bit. More MCU, definitely, and maybe others if I get inspired. The main thing I want out of writing fanfiction at the moment is for it to continue making me happy, though, so I just hope I keep having fun with it.

[lokilickedme]

Writing Update

Haven’t done one of these in a while...not sure if anyone is interested anymore, but here it is for whoever is still here and still reading:

Upcoming books:

Now And Then (Book 2 of the Strada Series) is at 25,249 words currently.  Baltho is back on his bullshit, Keene is still trying to control him and protect this side from the Strada, and Holly is still in denial that any of it is real.  Two new characters have been introduced and the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan.  Wanna see Baltho fight a 7-foot-4 bad guy with a driveshaft from a 1987 Chevelle?  Okay.  AU Tom Hiddleston and David Gandy in case the covers to book 1 didn’t clue ya.  Also Joe Mangianello, Jason Momoa, and Can Yaman.

The Magnussen Ultimatum (Book 2 of the Carmichael Trilogy) is at 8505 words.  The Othersiders have come across and things might not be going as well as hoped.  Where’s Aiden?  Where’s Kaine?  Why’s a girl gotta do everything her own damn self??  AU Andrew Hozier, David Gandy, Jason Momoa, and Chris Hemsworth faceclaims.  Okay it started out with Hiddleston as Aiden so run with that if it’s your preference.  And someone said Keanu Reeves is their Kaine so if that blows your skirt up be my guest.

Eidos is at 6148 words.  Oh Eidos.  My heart.  Frankenstein who?  Tom Hiddleston AU faceclaim.

The Last King (Book 4 of The McClary Chronicles) is at 14,226 words.  Pod’s half grown, King’s half unhinged by parenthood, Molly’s the only sane person in Scotland.  What else is new.  If you wanna see a big Scottish brawl after dinner, we got one for ya.  AU Tom Hiddleston ofc...with Tim Rozon and Dominic Cooper.

AO3 Fics:

POSTED WIPS

Hammer of The Gods chapter 22 is at 478 words.  I’ll probably try to finish this relatively soon and throw it out there once it hits maybe 600-700 words.  I keep forgetting how to do short chapters and I’m having a hard time working on this one for personal reasons.  There are maybe 3-4 more chapters to go before it’s finished.  Jake’s onstage, Tater Tot’s face is red, Pete’s building a sandbox and yeeting the kids off the roof into it.  Business as usual.  Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth AU.

Jack Montague chapter 63 is at 2012 words, which is about twice as long as I want it to be so I’ll cut it and do some work on it and it’ll go up soon.  This one is wrapping up too - after 3 years we may be finally nearing the end of it all.  Loki and Adam are still stuck in the parallel reality vortexes and someone - not gonna say who - is following them from world to world and will probably catch up to them pretty soon (okay yeah, they’re going to).  Thor is on standby and may finally be seeing some action big enough to haul him out of his terminal boredom.  Tom Hiddleston, Tom Hiddleston (heh), Chris Hemsworth, Nathan Kim, and Sam Jackson.

Aingeal Ard chapter 15 is at 264 words - I like this one because once King’s narrative hits the end of the corresponding chapter of Sgaile Leannan, it’s done no matter how long or short it might be.  Just six more chapters till this one’s finished.  King just followed Molly upstairs at the pub and hold on here we go.  Hiddleston faceclaim ofc.

Sunflower chapter 13 is at 475 words.  When it hits between 800-1000 it’ll go up.  Wrapping up sorta soon on this one too.  Tommy’s got a secret, Amy’s got a comeuppance on the way, and Chloe just wants to try a new position.  Give a girl a break, sheesh.  Young Hiddleston, with Idris Elba.

The King Of All The Rest (sequel to The Trickster’s Wife) chapter 2 is at 247 words.  I don’t know what length chapters this one is going to end up having but I guess we’ll find out once I wrap up a few of the others and get back to it.  Loki just got home from the pub and Bragneire’s at the house harassing the wife.  Ever heard Loki curse in Jotun?  Loki’s gonna curse in Jotun.  Should be fun.  Tom Hiddleston, Jason Momoa, Chris Hemsworth.

Kiz Yan Kapi - The Girl Next Door chapter 4 is at 553 words.  No idea when I’ll go back to this one, but thank you to the 4 people who asked me to continue it (I’m exaggerating...there were actually 3 I think lol).  Kiran and Pasha are slowly working out the language barrier but good luck with that.  Better just bang and quit trying to have a conversation. (nope).  Can Yaman fic.

DRAFTS

Taliesin (Part 2 of the Taliesin Series) is at 1398 words.  I don’t know if I want to put this up as is or move parts of it to other episodes, I’ll sort it as I go.  If it stays intact it’ll be going up soon.  Cursed Celtic deities.  Yum.  Hozier fic.

Common Tongue (Part 3 of the Taliesin Series) is at 843 words.  Celtic vampires.  Apparently they exist.  Yum again.  More Hozier fic.

It Will Come Back (Part 4 of the Taliesin Series) is at 3810 words.  I’m going to cut this one into two, possibly three parts and split it up.  More cursed Celtic deities.  Did I say yum?  But add a buttload of angst.  Still more Hozier.

Shrine of Your Lies (Part 5 of the Taliesin Series) is at 2597 words.  More of the above with deconsecrated churches and profane sex among said cursed Celtic deities.  Yum and angst and tragic timeless love.  And Hozier.

Early Days (in-between story for The Carmichael Trilogy) is at 579 words.  A missing scene between Aiden and Clarissa that goes between books 1 and 2.  Same cast as The Carmichael Addendum and The Magnussen Ultimatum.

The good news is I’m writing again.  The bad news is I’m doing it poorly lol...hang in there, something will be coming soon.  I just published my 7th book so my braincells are regrouping and they’re dragging their feet worse than my 6 year old getting ready for bed.

[fanfics-await-you]

Sometimes It Comes Down to a Choice (Part 2)

Pairing: Christopher Pike x Female OC

Takes place some point in the future after the events of the Red Angel

Summary: Alina has always carried a secret flame for her Captain and she's always known that it could never lead anywhere. However, the combination of a party and some drunken words might just make that a little more complicated. The only problem, everything just seems to be going wrong. Who knows, maybe a proper goodbye is just what they need.

Tags: angst, injury, a pair of dumbasses unnecessarily complicating things

Notes: lol, because i’m such a cliche, this situation is loosely based on an interaction w an ex. also, sorry if they seem like coherent drunks but i thought this was better then just them just smashed and the ensuing “WELL YOU’RE PRETTY GOOD LOOKING, YOU KNO- *barf*” Let’s just take the angle of liquid bravery. also, i say pike smiles a lot because he DOES. he’s very SMILEY.

Word Count: 1,277

masterlist

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

———

Why do I always put myself in these situations?!

I had told myself at the beginning of the night that 1) don’t get drunk because alcohol makes you talkative and 2) stay away from the Captain because alcohol makes you talkative. I have already failed on all points. We just keep drifting together no matter what I do, and the combination of over-keen pourers and nerves in general means that I am far more intoxicated than I planned.

“Look, I’m telling you Michael, it was life or death.”

“I would believe you, sir, but I have found that you are prone to exaggeration.”

“That stings, Burnham, it really does.”

On the other hand, Chris has never looked so good. A broad, warm smile rests comfortably on his face and only the touch of red across his cheeks hints that he’s been drinking. His eyes shine as he and Michael continue their back and forth. I’m not really listening to their conversation despite its volume. I am just happy to watch my people laugh and my Captain relax.

���Alina, back me up here!”

I’m forcefully jolted back into focus by all eyes in the conversation turning to me. I grin somewhat bashfully and mumble out a ‘yeah, sure’, entirely unaware of what I’m agreeing to. Everyone laughs at my confusion except for Chris, who gives me a quiet smile that is meant for only me.

“Now Captain, that is unfair. Of course Osborne would agree with you,” Michael’s tone is gently mocking.

I raise an eyebrow at her, trying to fight the blush rising up my face. She raises her hands in mock surrender but the smile doesn’t disappear. I down the rest of my drink, though it’s not lost on me that it does nothing to remove Michael’s gaze.

“Uh…Of course, I should be able to rely on my officers to support me!” Chris’ tone is joking but the red on his cheeks deepens markedly.

Huh.

The conversation eventually falls back into rhythms but I feel a touch at my shoulder after a few minutes.

“Osborne, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure Burnham.”

We step away from the group and I turn to face her. I know she’s been drinking but her usual friendly but stoic facade remains in place. I cross my arms, waiting for Michael to speak.

“What is going on between you two?”

Ah, the question I really don’t want to deal with right now.

“Nothing!”

…

“Seriously, Michael, there’s nothing!”

“Okay, we both know that that is not true. You two need to get over whatever this-“ she pauses to gesture between Chris and myself-“ is because the rest of us are just waiting for this to finally be done with. Seriously, you have been running in circles around each other for months!”

The realisation that my little ‘crush’ has been public knowledge for so long completely throws me. I feel so thoroughly exposed that I can’t think for a second. I know that I’m blushing red and hot, and Burnham places a hand on my shoulder.

“I never said it was something to be ashamed of, Alina. Love is nothing to fea-“

“Thanks, Michael, I think I just need a minute.”

I’m probably being rude but honestly, I need to get my thoughts in order. I walk away from the bustle and the music towards the loading bay gateway. There is something I find strangely grounding about knowing that beyond the mere metres of holofield before me, an entire universe of empty space exists beyond my reach or control. I walk behind a storage container and sit slowly, leaning back against the cool metal. The static of my thoughts echoes around my head as I consider the silent stars before me.

“Are you alright?”

Of course he would be the one to find me.

I look up at Chris and allow myself the quick luxury of just admiring him. His white shirt is tight across his shoulders and I can see the athletic line of his legs through his charcoal grey slacks. The light of the holofield fights with the general darkness of the bay to paint his face in gentle silver, highlighting the strong strokes of his features. Chris is dressed simple and plain but by the Heavens, he looks as close to perfect as I am capable of understanding. However, his eyes are contorted with concern.

“Yes, don’t worry. It’s just…Michael brought up…some stuff that-it’s complicated, let’s just say that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly, no.”

Chris sits down beside me, close enough that I can feel the warmth of his skin. Its heat is an unwelcome distraction to my already restless mind.

“What do you want to talk about, then?”

You stumble, “Um-I don’t know…anything?”

Chris chuckles quietly, “Burnham must’ve really thrown you if you, Alina Osborne, have nothing to say.”

I send him a mock glare that only widens his smile. I look away to the stars and try to think of something.

Oh, of course.

“What about the stars?”

It’s dumb and cliché but they’re the only things coming to mind. I don’t dare look at him, out of fear of judgement or something equally as painful.

“What about them?” his tone is curious and, as I should have expected, kind.

I throw my hand out towards space while I try and find the right words, “Everything! I mean, we’re both Starfleet, so you must’ve felt something pulling you towards the stars too, right? Didn’t you look up and wonder what was out there? Beyond the telescopes and the info-vids? Because I did…Still do. We live in a universe of possibility and mystery, and it makes me sad sometimes that I’ll never get to see it all and-I am rambling, I’m so sorry…We-we should get back.”

A blend of passion and alcohol had just made the words tumble out of me with reckless abandon, and now I’m embarrassed all over again for different reasons. I move to rise but a steady hand on my arm causes me to pause.

“Alina, there’s nowhere I would rather be right now…Stay. Please.”

I resume my seat but I am completely lost for words once again. Nowhere…a little spark of hope flickers into life at the base of my stomach, and for the first time I don’t immediately douse it. Of course, he could mean that he was sick of the crowd or simply interested in talk of stars but…

—

So we talk. We talk endlessly of stars, Starfleet, old friends, history, home, and everything in between until the growing quiet tells us that the party is drawing to a close. Chris is so deeply thoughtful and intelligent that I could speak to him for days or years, and never run out of things to say. I am so desperate to hang on to this conversation, this carved-out moment that is so distinctly our’s. He seems no more keen to leave than I am, but I can feel our time running short.

“What was that festival from your homeworld called again? Haal’i? You never did explain it.”

“Hal’ai. It’s kinda complicated to explain. Once day a year, no one uses electric lights for the whole day across the whole planet. It-“

“You’re telling me that everyone does it without fail?”

I wave my hand offhandedly, “Ok, fine. Nearly everyone. Just all the people in any form of settlement, but maybe there’s some hermits who use the occasional torch. Happy?” I raise an eyebrow while Chris grins in return.

“Yes, thank you. You know I’m a stickler for the details.”

“May I continue?

“If you would, please.”

I give him a joking side-look but turn my gaze back to the stars, “As I was saying, we turn off all the lights. The whole idea of Hal’ai is to sit in true darkness and look to the stars. It’s supposed to remind us of the true beauty of nature and our responsibility to the life around us. I always loved that concept, but also the profound feeling of Hal’ai that we’re part of something so much bigger that ourselves. It’s a feeling I’ve only ever found in one other place.”

“Where?” Chris’ word is whispered, like he’s afraid to break the reverie.

I smile wide, at no one in particular at all, “Starfleet. On board the U.S.S. Discovery. Standing by your side.”

I turn back to Chris, not caring if I seem absurd because I’m swept up in my love for my home, my vessel and, possibly most of all, him. Not that it matters, because the grin stretched across his face tells me that he knows exactly what I mean. Before I can react, before I can even close my eyes, Chris’ mouth is on mine. His lips are velvety and warm, and I can feel his hands hot against my cheeks. He tastes ever-so-slightly of liquor but I am intoxicated by the feeling of his skin flush against mine. Eventually, my brain catches up and I push back against him, trying to drown in the feeling of his mouth. I lean into Chris, my own hands beginning to travel up his chest, when he abruptly pauses and pulls away. I am left like an astronaut without air, simply grasping for oxygen and a tether.

“I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have done that.”

What?

What?!

“I don’t understand, Chris. What did I-“

“You didn’t do anything, Alina, I just-I’m your captain, and you’re my officer!”

He’s become somewhat frantic, pushing his hair back repeatedly while looking anywhere but at me. The realisation is beginning to sink in, piece by piece. Surprisingly, something that resembles anger is what rises to the surface.

“I’m going to need a little more than that, Chris.”

He looks back at me and all I can see is the distress in his eyes, “It’s not that I don’t want this, it’s- it can’t happen! Not with our jobs, with our positions!”

I can’t find the words. After everything, Chris feels the same as me (he feels the same), but he’s letting our jobs-

“What are you talking about?!” The anger is showing now, “Our jobs?! Like a captain and an officer have never-it’s not-I don’t…Look, if you want pin this on drunken stupidity, fine, but don’t lie to me!”

Chris’ face goes slack and he leans in until our foreheads are touching and I can his breath on my lips. As much as anger still charges through my veins, I am paralysed by the touch of him. He takes a breath and then another, like he’s trying to find the strength to speak.

“Alina…” Chris says my name like I might disappear. “Never think that I don’t care about you, that I wouldn’t give you the world if I could. It’s just-I have a responsibility to my crew and I can’t let you change that. I can’t put your life above the rest of my crew. If it comes down to saving you or my crew, I can’t-“

The anger drains out of me like it was never there to begin with. A bone-deep weariness is starting to take its place.

“That’s what this is about? Some theoretical future where you have to choose me or them? Chris, please, don’t.”

“I should never have kissed you, as much as I wanted to. I thought I could control myself and then you started talking about stars and us, and…I am so sorry it came to this.” He tucks a strand behind my ear, and the little gesture almost breaks me.

I swallow back whatever is threatening to rise, “Since it seems like I don’t get a say in this-don’t, let me finish-just do one last thing for me.”

“Anything.”

“Kiss me one last time and then walk away. Prove to me that you can leave and not come back because I need you to be sure, Chris. If you go…I won’t sit around, waiting for you to come back. I can’t hold on to you, hoping that one day you’ll choose me.”

Chris pulls back and pushes his palms onto his eyes while shaking his head like he can’t believe this is happening. Every line of tension in his body screams anguish and I don’t get it because Chris is choosing this. I am desperate for him and he is pushing me away.

He places his hand on my cheek and I can’t help but lean into him. “You don’t understand…That’s the problem, Alina. I want to choose you, I will always want to choose you, but I can’t. I just can’t.”

Chris leans in slowly and I close my eyes as our lips touch. I place both hands on his chest while he threads his arms around my waist, gently pulling me flush against him. The kiss is as soft as an echo and as sweet as it is bitter. Inch by inch, my hands climb to intertwine in Chris’ hair and I can feel him shiver slightly against me. I want to remember every second of this, every short moment of Chris being completely mine. But then, too soon, far too soon, he’s pulling back slightly. His hands continue to draw flickering circles along my waist while Chris just studies my face and I wait for him to say that he’s changed his mind, that he can’t leave.

“Maybe in another life.”

Chris leans in to place a gentle, lingering kiss on my forehead, then turns around and walks away.

Just like that.

Just like that, I had held him and lost him, all in the space of a few hours. A feeling of intense loss swiftly crashes over me and I have to cover my mouth to silence the sobs. I lean back and just let the tears fall for a while, let my heart feel this loss. Then, when I finally find the strength, I slowly rise and stand, staring out the stars. Then, as alone as I had started this evening, I steadily walk back to my room.

———

i’m always a slut for unnecessary tension. also, DON’T WORRY, THERE’S ANOTHER PART

[not-sebastian-stan]

Chris Beck- Space-cake

A/N: I’ve started writing an INTERACTIVE story. That’s right. Inter-motherfucking-active story. But it’s gonna take a month or two to post it cause I wanna post it when the whole story is done. Also, my summer vacation is coming up ( only 2 weeks of school left ). And I’ll be hella busy the first 3 to 4 weeks. But I’ll write some fics now and just plan them in for the automatic post but it won’t be a lot of fics so yeah. Also, I made a second blog ( for Lucifer, b99 and marvel ) Y'all can check it out here. And Lastly, a friend of mine found my Tumblr ( lol I gave it to her because I know about her fan account ) so I gotta be careful with my a/n’s.

Warnings: mention of drugs ( not in an angsty way ), just soft and fluffy Chris Beck, a small mention of alcohol in a party way

Pairings: Chris Beck x Bestfriend!Reader ( non-gender specific also the reader is kinda sassy lol. also Chris is single in this and he doesn’t have a child so yeah )

Wordcount: 1,6 K

“ Chris. Hey. Chris. Chrissy. Chris. “ you say as you give him a poke in his arm with every nickname. Chris looks up from his Ipad over to you. “ What? “ he asks, clearly annoyed that you disturbed him. “ I’m bored. “.

He sighs and looks back at his Ipad again. “ Then come and watch this movie with me. “. You quickly hold your pointer in the air. ‘ Umh, first of all, how dare you to call that a movie. That’s a documentary, you old man. “. Chris chuckles softly. You always called him old because he “ read boring papers and watched old stuff “.

“ Second off, I’m not going to watch something about space. Especially not with you. “ you sigh as you sit back down on the couch again. Chris lays his Ipad on the couch next to him after he pressed pause and turns to face you.

“ Why you don’t want to learn about space? About the moon? About Saturn's rings or the sound that mars make? “ he laughs at you. You quickly stand up from the couch and walk towards the kitchen, wanting some kind of snack. “ Wow, you officially made space even more boring. Didn’t know that was possible. “. 

You crouch down as you open the fridge, grab a half melted ice-cream carton that has been placed there instead of in the freezer by drunk-you yesterday and sit down on the counter as you start to spoon its containment into your mouth. 

“ Space is not boring. It’s exciting. “ Chris says as he sits down next to you, grabbing his own spoon as he starts to eat the ice-cream as well. “ People also say that college is exciting but we all know that’s a lie. “. Chris laugh at you again.

“ My friend is throwing a party tonight, “ he states. You look up from the ice-cream carton. “ Will there be food? “. Chris nods. “ Please tell me they don’t work at NASA. I can’t stand to go to another party where people will talk about the launch of Ares-Suck-My-Ass 4. “. 

“ No NASA talk. I promise. “. You nod your head as you jump off the counter, shoving the ice-cream carton into Chris’ hands. “ Where are you going? “ he asks as he also jumps off. “ I’m going to get ready for that party, of course, you space dork. “.

You walk out of the bathroom to look at yourself in the big mirror you have in your room. “ God dawn... “ Chris mumbles under his breath as he pulls a sweater of his head. “ You are looking like a snack! “. You giggle softly as you do a little hair flip for him. 

“ Beck, seriously? “ you ask as you face him fully, a playful smile still lingering on your lips. “ I don’t care how good you look in that sweater, no NASA shit.��“. Chris shrugs and walks out of your room, probably to get the car keys. “ I’m not going of you wear that! “ you yell after him as you fix your hair.

After picking at your hair until it looked perfect you step out of your bedroom to see Chris sitting on your couch smirking, now wearing a NASA baseball hat as well and a pin of earth on his sweater. “ Why do you have to be so damn extra? “

Chris pulls the door of his friend's house open. A wave of alcohol, vanilla cake and cheap perfume immediately hits you. The loud music playing throughout the house makes your whole body shake along with the beat. You smile at Chris as you start dancing the second you enter the house. “ Now this is a party. “. Chirs smirks as he starts to dance along with you. 

“ You have the moves of an old man! “ You laugh at him. He shrugs and continues his rusty disco moves. You close your eyes as you take in the music completely, swaying your hips to the rhythm. 

Chris moves closer to you. He grabs your hands in his and twirls you around. “ You’re so cheesy, you know that? “. He laughs but it’s muffled by the hard beats. “ But you like me cheesy. “. You nod as you twirl him around now. 

You two blend into the crows of people. With just one glance around the room, you quickly see what kind of party it is. Everyone is wearing a NASA shirt, sweater or pin. “ You asshole! You brought me to a NASA party! “ you yell at Chris, not because your angry but because you’re sure that if you wouldn’t yell that he wouldn’t hear you over the music. He laughs and says “ gotcha! “.

You don’t know when you lost Chris. One moment you two were dancing and the other he was gone. But you just continued on dancing. Until your troat thought that during your favourite song it was a good moment to get dryer the Chris’ humour. So you made your way to the kitchen of the house. You saw some people struggling to walk through the large crowd but you had no struggle. Due to your party history, you learned the is you want to get somewhere in a dancing crowd that you just have to dance there. So that’s what you did.

There weren’t a lot of people in the kitchen. Just some people who got nauseous, some people who wanted to make out and people that wanted a drink. You were originally going to grab a beer but that changed when you saw a cake sitting on the counter. There wasn’t a lot of it eaten so you took it to yourself to change that. 

You open each cupboard until you find the one with plates in it. You grab one and cut a slice of the cake. As soon as you place the cake in your mouth, you feel your body going into a kind of heaven. The sweet vanilla taste seems to make the dryness of your throat go away.

You moan softly as you take another bite, and another, and another. Before you know it you have eaten the entire slice. You take another slice. You know you shouldn't but god damn that cake is good. 

What slice is this? The third? Fouth? You can’t remember. Maybe it’s because you washed each slice down with a cup of alcohol. You can’t remember what drink it was but it was blue. Or was it red? Green? It doesn’t matter to you. 

The only thing that matters now is that you want to dance your legs off. So you make your way to the main area of the house again. You jump along with the crowd. You still don’t know where Chris is but you’re not worried about it. He is probably making out with some girl against a wall. 

“ Y/n? “ someone asks as they tap on your shoulder. You turn around, maybe a little to fast and lose your balance. You grab onto the person to keep yourself from falling on your face. You notice that the person is Chris. “ Chrissyyyyy “ you slur. He smiles as he helps you to stand on your own feet again. “ Are you drunk? “ he asks. You shrug as you continue on dancing. “ I can’t remember. “.

That’s when he notices the strong vanilla scent hanging around you like a cloud. “ Wait, did you eat the cake? “ he asks. You nod. Chris bursts out in laughs and clings onto you, you’re sure that if he didn’t that he would be the one falling on his face.

“ What’s so funny, Christer? “ you asks, hiccups interrupting you every other word. He tries to catch his breath but is failing at it. “ That-That's s-space cake-’ he says before bursting out in laughs again.

You give him a confused look. “ Y/n, there’s weed in that cake. “. Suddenly it all makes sense. The dizzy yet fuzzy feeling, the world spinning and moving in slow motion. You can’t help but burst into laughs as well.

“ I’m high as fuck, “ you say. Chris nods pull you out of the crowd, still laughing his butt off. “ Wait, why are we going? I wanna daaannnceeeee! “. Chris swings an arm over your shoulder and slowly leads you out of the house. “ How many pieces did you eat? “ he says as he says his goodbyes to people he walks past.

You start to count the slices on your finger but lose count. You try again but the same thing happens. “ Four? No, five. I don’t know. “. You rest your head against his shoulder, a sudden wave of sleepiness hitting you.

Chris lets out a chuckle as he opens the door for you. You thought that the cold night air would sober you up a bit but it only seems to do the opposite. “ Chris I wanna sleep. “. He shakes his head, still trying his best to lead you towards his car without laughing at a drunk and high you, but he can’t. 

You pull yourself out of his grip and lay down on the lawn. You look up at the stars and they seem to move with the beat of the music that is still sensible even outside of the house. 

Chris simply scoops you up in his arms. You look up at his face. While the rest of the world is moving, his face is still. No weird shapes, no weird colours. Just Chris. “ You’re the best friend ever, “ you say. Chris nods. “ You are too. “.

A/N: I like the idea of this fic. very cute. very fluffy.

Permanent taglist ( OPEN ):

@thecrazyoneshavetakenover @dewy-biitch @a-kiddo-with-a-doggo @frayedichor @rangotangomango @baibs @storiesfrommirkwood

[scifikimmi]

F, L, U, Y, Z! Any fandom you feel like, even if I don't know it. :D

F: What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

I’ve been in the Merlin fandom since the show debuted 2008 and I literally just joined a discord server this week for it. Still active in that fandom after 10 years.

L: Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. 

Hmm this is tough. Okay wait I got one. Chris from Yuri on Ice. The character is deeper than he initially appears and he is a very good friend to those he cares for. While not my fave, I can understand why people like him and he seems to have a good sense of humor and general roll with the punches attitude that’s admirable.

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

This is hard tooooo. imma try to pick different types of characters too.

1. Gintoki from Gintama. He has a tough life but he always maintains a sunny personality. He has a big heart and will give everything to help a stranger or the world on the whole (even though the world has rarely helped him in return) just because he believes in the best of everyone. Also he is HILARIOUS. And a really cool swordsman. he’s a bit of a dumbass too.

2. okay I gotta go back to Merlin and go with the main and title character, Merlin.  He’s played by my fave actor colin morgan (and this role is basically what made him my fave actor but i love his other roles too). merlin is a really strong character. he would do anything for the people he cares about but he isnt a push over about it. he kicks the butts of people who he cares for too whent hey are being dumb. lol. he is super powerful but very very humble. and he has a good sense of morals. 

3. Kim Jin Hyuk from Antique Bakery (korean movie). he IS an asshole. hes rude and can be straight up mean. but he is actually really complex and interesting. he was kidnapped as a kid by a guy who used to feed him a TON of cake. now he cant eat cake without throwing up. but he opens a cake shop anyway! because he wants to be the BEST cake shop and then catch the guy who kidnapped him! he suffers from night terrors about ti.. evn tho he cant REMEMBER what happened. his brain blocked it out. he only knows he hates cake and being touched by men. the fear of being touched by men leads him to being like... homophobic about the other main character who is gay but despite this they end up working together and then actually becoming quite close and jin hyuk like grows A LOT throughout the course of the film to be more comfortable around him and be more happy in his life in general and to learn to let people in. for only have 1 movie (not a tv show) to work with he’s a really interesting character with a lot of backstory and personality to work with. i dont think i’d ever be his friend in person... but i love to write from his pov lol.

Y:  What are your secondhand fandoms

I’m not couting things where i’ve watched show or whatever but decided to stop cus that isnt all 2nd hand.

hmmm .. scarlet heart ryo, one direction/harry styles (mean i’ve heard their music but never really sought it out. i reblog my friends posts of harry cus fashion), fullmetal alchemist, death note, there are a few other animes but i cant think of them right now, final fantasy, always sunny, futurama, bojack horseman, bobs burgers, im sure there is more but thats all my brain will think of right now.

z: Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go!

I just started getting one of my figureskating fandom friends into BTS and its awesome to see them experience it all for the first time cus its bringing back memories of my first time experiencing it. sharing fandoms is so pure and wholesome. 

ALSO i made a discord server for a SUPER small fandom obscure movie (the korean film mentioned above) and TWO WHOLE PEOPLE JOINED IT :D