#and then bc corona I have no summer job so...

[javierpena-inatacvest]

She's Alive?!? (Alive may be a stretch LMAO)

HEY FRIENDS, IT'S ME 🥹 (Madeline fills y'all in below the cut)

Safe to say from the absolute radio silence on here for the past month and a half, life has been absolutely kicking me right in the tits. As of today (after telling my principal), I am officially done with teaching at the end of this school year. It's been the strangest feeling ever- while it is such a huge relief to know the tremendous amount of physical and mental stress that teaching has been for me is only 15 days away from coming to an end, it also hurts to think that the thing I once had so much passion and love for has burned out so quickly. I've been having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that teaching isn't where I want to be anymore, and the teacher guilt in me about it is still eating me alive.

This school year has been so draining for me that the past month I have done the same routine every single day as followed: Wake up, cry going into work, try to make it through the day without having a mental breakdown from kids screaming/ridiculous parent emails/insane requests from the district/one of my kids threatening to bring a gun to school (yes, this did happen, and yes, it's the 3rd grade!!! 🙂), cry on my way home from school, look for jobs and change my resume for the thousandth time and cry again bc no one will hire me, and then go to sleep and do it the next day!! On top of that, I've just been dealing with a lot of other big life things that have taken up so much time/mental energy, I am legit crawling to the finish line that is the last day before summer break.

I will be completely honest with you when I say that I legit have not opened a Google Doc for NTL in a month and a half, and truth be told, I don't know the next time that I will. I truly do miss being on here and all of the wonderful people, and I feel terrible that I have been no where to be found. Thank you to everyone who's sent me a DM or an ask to ask if ya girl is okay, I really appreciate you more than you know 🥺💛

I'm really hoping the summer brings some new peace/inspiration to start writing again, but please know if you don't hear anything from me in the near future, either know 1. I didn't make it out of the school year alive or 2. I am sitting in the sun like a lizard on a hot rock letting all of the stress dissolve from my body until I start to feel like a normal human again 🥴

I love all of you so much, I hope that everything in all of your lives are going well and that I am giving each one of you a big kiss on the forehead and sending you all of my love 🥺💕

ALSO Y'ALL BEST BELIEVE I AM CELEBRATING MY LAST DAY OF SCHOOL WITH A CORONA BC PEDRO WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK 😩

[their80smichelle]

alright gonna do top 3 and im on desktop so I can't get the cheers emoji but it's me lol

fav beverages:

corona, double lime with chamoy on the rim and tajin, it's rly savory and the spicy flavor is so fire

cheerwine float (optional dark rum shot), the last one i had was on a picnic by a rushing river with a pretty girl sitting next 2 me so it feels special

pepsi double lime double cherry = pepsi wild cherry zero mixed with half a spoon of maraschino syrup and juice from 2 lime slices, stirred and poured over ice

im also a big grape juice fan i love that it tastes like an aluminum can

fav foods:

watermelon - not as much a summer weather enjoyer bcs i get hot flashes but watermelon makes it worth it. it's one food that you can eat a lot of and feel satisfied but never too full for seconds. my dad taught me how to pick them too since he used to be a gardener and understood what makes the sweet ones grow.

coleslaw - but only the way my dad taught me how to make it, everyone who does it only with apple cider vinegar is wrong. everyone who makes it way too sweet is wrong. ur all wrong only my dad is right. i can legit eat an entire bag of slaw by myself just from coleslaw salad.

carolina style backribs - slow cooked for 4-5 hours with the sauce caramelized at the last minute...godddd there's literally nothing better. and sucking out the bone marrow from the bones too

fav color:

green - never seen a green that i didn't at least partially fw

red - used to be my #1 but im trying to cultivate a gentler spirit

black - looks good in most things and lots of different shades.

my questions for u are:

do u like to watch sports at all?

if you went to university, what was your major? if not, what is ur dream career?

Hii hope you had a great day ! 🍻

You have pretty great choices🙏🏼 I look very basic beside to you but I don't go out so I don't get to try stuffs XD

I like sports yeah ! Mostly watching Basketball ! And football with my dad too !

I'm actually at university and I'm struggling af :') not going to validate this semester for sure but maybe the second one I hope🤞🏼

I'm in Musicology superior studies and it's long to explain but I study music History since 9th century until today's music (of course in different classes with different professors) and we just finished studying The Beatles now we're studying The Rolling Stones and it's obvious my professor is a Beatles fan and not A Stones one XD

My dream career would be to play guitar or bass on stage with a band but I have no skills and no band so I'll wait maybe to go in England cause it looks like they're more into music and little bands than in France :')

I don't really have a dream job beside it maybe why not trying to be a roadie or something, I want to travel with music🗣

Or even a manager why not ??

I have a lot of ideas just to stay into the music universe XD

How about you ? ^^

[lesbianlovelanguage]

Harringrove, 10, 31

Hi anon!! Hope you enjoy a lil post season 3 fem!Harringrove action 💕💕

10. After Near Death Experience + 31. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

-

Being brought back to life after having a giant meat monster shishkebab you really took a lot out of you, especially if said meat monster had been playing you like a puppet for weeks. Billie had been left in a daze for the entirety of her two week stay at Hawkins General Hospital. She had been really out of it, she even agreed to live with that bitch Harrington. 

At least that’s what she told herself as she was moving her two boxes from Nelly’s house to the Harrington house, which was basically a mansion to a girl like Billie, who considered a luxury vacation to be anywhere you could get a free breakfast. 

Because, of course not only was Harrington a bitch, she was a rich bitch. It made Billie gag how much the little Hawkins Princess reminded her of the snobby cunts in Beverly Hills, who all came to Billie’s side of town to rough it up, only to scamper away when things got a little rough or a little dirty, and then they took their prada bags and yappy dogs back to live in daddy’s pocket. Typical. 

So, Billie was moving her meager possessions into one of the Harrington's guest rooms and trying to think of how she could avoid Steph as much as possible. Of course, what she hadn’t factored into her plan of night showers and stashed meal bars, was that she would be exhausted all the time. Doing almost anything required at least a fifteen minute rest afterwards. Activities like making her own meals left her tired enough to pass out on the couch. It became almost routine for Billie to wake up after Steph was long gone for her morning shift at the video store, and then make lunch and pass out on the couch while watching daytime television. 

There weren’t any blankets, or any other forms of personal affects, in the pristine catalogue-worthy living room, but around a week after Billie started falling asleep on the couch, she started waking up with a soft crocheted blanket that had clearly been hommade draped carefully over her and a still-warm mug of perfectly brewed darjeeling tea. The only person who knew Billie liked darjeeling tea was Steph, and only because Billie wasn’t cleared to leave the house, so Steph had to do all of the grocery shopping.

It became routine, their only interaction beyond passing each other in the hallway sometimes, and they never talked about it. Until one day when Steph’s manager let her off early, unbeknownst to Billie.

It started off like every other day, Billie had built up enough stamina that she was able to get through her entire morning routine and make a quick lunch before she needed to inevitably crash on the couch. She sat down with her grilled cheese and apple slices, turning on The Price Is Right and settling in. She finished her sandwich quickly, and was lazily munching on apple slices when she heard the front door begin to open. Panicking because she didn’t want to have to exchange pleasantries with Steph Harrington, Billie quickly set down the plate of slices and laid down on the couch like she was sleeping. Soft footsteps padded into the living room before stopping right next to Billie’s head. She heard a soft sigh and then the footsteps walked towards the hall closet. Some shuffling informed Billie that Steph had been the one to tuck her in every afternoon, and just as expected, Billie felt the familiar softness of the garish blanket fall over her body. What she didn’t expect, never would have expected, was for Steph to lean over and press an equally soft kiss to her forehead. It seared into her skin, and took everything Billie had to not break the illusion of sleep. But just as quickly as it appeared, Steph’s lips left her forehead and the following clatter indicated that she had moved on to cleaning up Billie’s leftover lunch. She moved on as if she hadn’t just shifted Billie’s entire world on its axis. 

It was the first afternoon that Billie didn’t nap. The kiss left her whole body feeling like a live wire and she kept replaying the kiss, analyzing every moment of it and committing the feel of Steph’s lips to memory. Billie had known she was a lesbian for a long time, ever since some asshole in sixth grade tried to have sex with her and she almost puked at the sight of his dick, because jesus they’re weird and gross. 

She knew she was gay with every fiber of her being, but between Nelly and living in bumfuck nowhere, Indiana she also knew she could never act on her feelings, locked them in a box and never thought about them.

Especially for a certain princess that reminded Billie so much of Jessica from Beverly Hills, the reason the Hargrove/Mayfield left California and Max was no longer her brother. But with one innocent forehead kiss, Billie’s longing rose up with avengence, settling in the pit of her stomach like a heavy weight. What was she supposed to do now? What did it mean that it seemed so natural to Steph? How many times had she planted such a kiss on Billy’s forehead before? 

With all of these unanswerable questions circling her head, Billie fell into an uneasy sleep. 

The next morning was an unprecedented occurrence. Steph had the entire day off of work. Of course it came after yesterday’s revelations. Now Billie was stuck in a house with a person she was desperately trying to ignore, and Steph didn’t like to be ignored. Around noon, there was a knock at Billie’s door, and Steph called through it that she made her lunch too big and there were extras if Billie wanted to join her? She sounded to timid and shy that Billie couldn’t have said no and felt good about her choice, so of course she called back that she would be out in a minute and threw on some pants. She also quickly threw her blonde locks in a sloppy ponytail before sauntering out to the living room. 

Steph was sat on the very far left of the couch, The Price Is Right already turned on, with a plate of what appeared to be nachos on the coffee table. All Billie had to do was silently walk over and sit on the opposite side, make sure they never touched, and after the nachos were finished, she could go hide in her room like a little pussy again. Easy, right?

Unfortunately, Steph had other plans. As soon as Billie sat down, Steph turned to her and began incessantly rattling off stories from work, her weird coworker named Rob and the horde of gremlins that followed her like baby ducks apparently pulling her into all sorts of ridiculous stunts. The best and worst thing was that Steph put no pressure on Billie to participate in the conversation, pausing when it was natural to give her an opening but otherwise going on and on, as if she just needed to fill the silence with something, anything. Some time between Steph talking about the benefits of organizing movies alphabetically over release year and a bizarre story about Rob somehow accidently eating a pot brownie for breakfast and showing up to work blazed beyond belief, the nachos were finished. But rather than fleeing immediately, Billie instead felt more relaxed than she had since… Since California. The steady cadence of Steph’s voice replaced lapping waves. Before she realized what was happening, she felt her eyes begin to close and slowly slipping into unconscious. She was momentarily knocked out of it by a soft whisper.

“Billie, you okay?” Steph’s question bounced around Billie’s head for a minute before she could formulate a response, and when she finally spoke it was lackluster at best.

“Just peachy, dollface. Just tired.” Despite how unimpressive the answer was, Steph just nodded her head and yet again surprised Billie. Instead of telling her to go back and take a nap in her room, Steph pushed the beaded decorative pillow off of her lap and sat up straighter. She even went so far as to pat her thigh in invitation, silently communicating that she wanted Billie to rest her head on Steph’s lap.

“Go to sleep then, it’s okay Bill.” Steph patted her lap once more before Billie gave in and gently shifted around so that her head was carefully resting on Steph’s thigh, face turned towards the TV so Steph didn’t have the opportunity to notice the blush sitting high and bright in her cheekbones. 

Ever so slowly, Steph pulled Billie’s hair out of the sloppy ponytail and began running her fingers through the tangled blonde locks, lulling Billie even further into unconsciousness. 

Just before Billie completely gave in though, she heard one more whisper than made her heart do cartwheels. Steph stopped her ministrations in Billie’s hair and leaned down. 

“I won’t let anyone hurt you anymore Billie. I swear it.” Steph’s breath grazed Billie’s cheek and set the blush racing down her chest so quickly, it felt as if it burned her. Maybe she didn’t have all of the answers, but suddenly Billie realized she was right where she needed to be.

And Steph was nothing like Jessica.

-

Thank you again for the prompt! I hope you liked it 💖🥺 Fic tag list: @a-magey @trashmouth-hargrove @catharrington @gideongrace @stevefuckingharrington (Feel free to lmk if you would like to be added/removed from the list!) 

[songtwo]

also my mom just booked a trip w our yoga group to this volcano/park for September which is cool enough already but i was thinking that if i get my scholarships I'd buy tickets for placebo the next day and also two days prior is a friend's bday party and a couple of days later is my friends' farewell party . nice

[my-writemind]

“What’s your favorite color? Wait, no, let me rephrase - 

What’s the one that best sums up all of your perfect days?

Do you like hoodies or crewnecks? Prefer high-tops or low?

If you could visit a year, future or past, where would you want to go?

Would you rather travel for ten years or do you want to settle down, 

and would you settle in a city or somewhere far out of town?

What are both your parents like; are you an only child?

What is something that never ever fails to make you smile?

Which movie was on repeat when you were nine or ten,

And if we found the time would you watch it with me again?

Do you write in a book’s margins, or leave them unscathed?

What’s one relic from your past that you have always saved?

Would you rather be smart or funny? What about well-liked or kind? 

Late at night what worries tend to creep into your mind?

Are you any good at math (if so, could you help me out?)?

Are you a confident person or do you suffer from self-doubt?

Have you ever fallen deeply in love, and last but not least,

Do you think that you could ever maybe fall in love with me?”

- 20 Questions // c.r.w.

[vitessastvdy]

I finished Initial d! (my edit above, like if you save:))

I'm so happy. It took me less then a month. It was so interesting I couldn't put it down. The world of street racers in the 90s. I'm in love with the late 90s and early 2000s. Life was a lot more simplier back then.

Immidiately after I watched the last ep of final stage I had teares in my eyes. So much happend in the past six stages I just got so emotional. First time for an anime tbh.

The philosophy behind it was amazing and simple at the same time.

spoliers ahead

-----------------------------------------

The scene that was appearing threw the fifth stage was when the older chubby guy who was driving an GT-R (if I remember correctly) asked Keisuke, Ryosuke and Takumi why they race. Tbh I can't remember what Takumi said (Ik he's a main character and all that jazz, oh well). Keisuke answered bc it is a proof he's a masohist (I cracked up at that). And Ryosuke said a dream. I was confused at what he meant by that, but after the whole suicide thing I figured out the meaning by the Project D name before he said it himself hehe

I remember I tried to guess what does D stand for. For example: drift, destination... And when I got it I was like "Gotcha bish!"

-----------------------------------------

I don't know why was every one bashing the animation. I didn't even notice that much of a difference between third- fourth and fifth-finale stage. Three companies were working on initial from start till the end. Give em a break.

I also want to point out the number of outfits in the anime and the manga. It was so cool that you can see characters style evolve as they mature. Keisuke started from wearing hoodies to polo shirts so that in the fifth and finale stages he started wearing dress shirts.

The healthy rivalry between Takumi and Keisuke is the most beautiful thing people in the same team can have. They thought more of the other one then themselves. They looked up at each other. Just beautiful.

I found it really interesting bc they touched up on some problems of young adultes. Clearly the police wasn't one lmao. Iketani and Wataru were the only ones who vomplained that they don't have money. Bruh even Takumi was lucky, Bunta pulled out new engine from the hat literaly.

The moment that stayed on my mind threw the series was when Takumi in Itsuki missed summer brake and when they had to find stable jobs. I'm third year in high school and after all this corona shit I will try again to find a part-time job, so I was like I will experience that too, damn.

Btw do you think that Itsuki's life is kind of pathethic, ik it's a strong word. But like imagine having a best friend that is wunderkind for driving and their you like wuhu you can do it. Also he always blindly says that Takumi is going to win. Most of the people in the crowd analyse and study his driving and then say whose gonna win. But Itsuki all away in Gunma knows he is going to win like dude, you're just a puppy. In highschool he worked at the gas station part-time and now he just continues doing the same thing. Is his only dream to work at the gas station? Maybe he will inheriet the station idk.

*I'm not try to offend anyone who workes at a gas station or has a similar kind of job. It's hard and honest work. In an anime it's not as fascinating as pro racer ya know.

The cutest moto of the series. I cracked up every time the thrio fantastico didn't have luck in love XD

The scenes in extra stage were too much. You know what I mean ;)

Almost forgot about the music!

EUROBEAT 4LIFE!

Favourite songs: Make up your mind, gas gas gas and madoka

________________

Favourite characters

Keisuke

If you haven't already figured it out hahaha. I don't have things like a husbando or that sort of thing. He just motivates me to do more, to do better. His impulsivness reminds of my own. You can clearly see his grown a lot. He understands that his brother was there for him. And the fact that student became better than the master is just amazing to me.

Sayuki

-I'm just sad that she didn't drove

- I love that she's independant and can hold her own. Remind me of myself a little.

-great friend

-also the friendship with Shingo is a mood

Comment whose your favourite character and song, and why.

I know this is not indepth analasys. I just wanted to share my thoughts with the rest of the fandom. And for those who are thinking about picking it up, I higly recommend it if you're into jdm, tofu and young adulte stuff.

I showed my friend Keisuke. And she got interested so I showed her the Kyoko tragedy. After few days she sent me edits of initial d races and thought they were so cool. I had to simplfy car terminology for her but overall she really likes it. She doesn't know anything about cars so will see how it goes.

[darkgeminisworld]

This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

[btxtreads]

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu​

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji​ @qtsoobin​ @beomberry​ @txtdiaries​ and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame  but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: - 

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino 

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two 

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

[hwanhee]

Top media announced Up10tion summer comeback in winter? In spring? A long ass time ago, gave a solo debut to Wooseok and comeback for Jinhyuk yet didn’t do shit for Up10tion... they even bleached and dyed their hair but we don’t even have any fucking teasers! They could at least release an article “uh they’re coming back in August (because they wasted 2 months of summer already) we don’t know when exactly” and that would at least be SOMETHING. The guys are already embarrassed to read honey10 (1)

Honey10 comeback related questions because they can’t say shit! I’m so frustrated as a fan and can’t even imagine what it’s like for the boys - to be jobless for months. I could forgive TM if they at least invested in providing content for us but they don’t! Guys ask permission to do vlive and once a few months they (maknaes) do diy that the fans (!!!) bought and sent to Up10tion. I know corona situation ain’t shit but TM is one of the shittiest agencies ever (wbk)

ARRRGHHGHHHHHHHH I KNOOOOOOOOW ANON I KNOOOW it’s like not only the dumbest shit on the planet it’s like torture watching them piss and shit around doing nothing because they Can’t do anything to the point of coming up w the idea to do group lives themselves bc they know it’s like, all there is, basically. I really DON’T understand why topmed wont just drop an article abt the comeback MONTH like not even a date we don’t even need the date. other companies give u the month n then wait to feed you that sweet sweet date idgi. what was the hair dye and bleach for are they even shooting teasers or Anything right now i cant even tell. every time they say summer is really long i feel like punching andy like what is even the point -__- every single time theyre asked abt the cb they get uncomf n r basically like it’s not real so stop asking like why are we playing pretend games. made worse knowing they havent paid off their debt yet n andy wont even give em a job to make money for it

[ragnaroktheworld]

17 questions, 17 people! Been a while since I did one of these!

Tagged by: @greygrantaire

Nickname: Cas/Cassie

Zodiac: Scorpio

Height: 5 feet

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Last thing I Googled: The address of a house in town I'm looking to possibly maybe buy if I can get enough money together AND if it stays on the market long enough. God I want to move out.

A song stuck in my head: Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Ray. They play it at work all the time and what can I say. It slaps.

Number of Followers: 1,140

Amount of sleep: Last night I got 7 hours, 30 minutes but I average about 6 hours.

Lucky Number: 45. It just feels like such a good number. Honorable mention to 425.

Dream Job: Kick-ass Corporate Lawyer. Failing that, a humble herb farmer/crystal collector in the foothills of the Ozarks.

Wearing: Black and white striped racerback tanktop and my favorite pair of acid washed booty shorts.

Favorite Song: Blown Away by Carrie Underwood. Don't @ me I've been rocking to country music since this whole Corona thing started going down.

Favorite Instrument: Acoustic Guitar. There's just so much you can do with one.

Aesthetic: Golden rays on cool summer evenings. Rock-walled cottages hiding under tall pines. Painting colorful landscapes with a cup of steaming jasmine tea. Time spent in the bed of an old pick-up truck with friends, a whole night of catching up and a cooler of soda between you. Reclining in a deck chair with a margarita. Speeding down the interstate alone with your favorite playlist blaring through the speakers, more free than you've ever been.

Favorite Author Artist: Tie between Monet and Georgia O'Keefe for classical artists. If we're talking people I follow here, shout-out to @mysteriie and @paper-glasses . Y'all can art so good in your own special way and I'm so happy I found you guys!!! ❤ (tried so hard to think of a writer and just... Could not. Rip.)

Favorite Animal Noise: The liitle whine cats and kittens do when they're stretching oh my god.

Random: Actually loving my job rn bc even though there's no events or anything going on right now and only a few of our guests returned, we're still trying to have a blast. Like yeah we talk shit about it, but we can actually socialize with each other for once.

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do it! I'm on mobile and too lazy to try and tag anyone lol.

[arpiniko]

gods i hate my family. they are so damn stupid.

my bro got married last sunday. and ofc he had a party after. small one apparently. only 60ppl. there were hand cleaners, masks outside the partyhouse. and ofc vodka. bc it wouldnt be a polish wedding if there were no vodka.

well all went fine. allegedly. i was there as well bc i had to - "its your brother's wedding you have to be here you little brat". noone got dead drunk. no disco polo, and there were 2 stray dogs and a cat that were soo friendly and helped me survive that time.

but

day after i was most likely tired af after preparing this whole event, cleaning, organizing etc, (just before the wedding, my grandpa kicked my dad from his home where my dad had his office, so we had to move all his stuff to the empty room we had. a lot of additional stress and work) and i spent the day tired, with small fever (36,9 C) but thats it.

but wait.

2 days later my other bro got back home asking for some meds for fever and sore throat, and runny nose. ok. not a big deal. he overworks himself a lot at his job, gets back during night and its getting cold already. hpappends roght?

well.... yeah but.

yesterday my bro who got married was also laying down in similar manner, he's fine now apparently which is cool.

BUT

today my father who was supposed to go with my mum to the country side to our summer house (as he does almost every weekend), decided that he feels so bad that he cant go. which is kind of a big deal. he very rarely canels these trips. never does it for others. so if he did it.. means he feels very fking bad. but ok. maybe we caught some kind of normal flu or sth and it just stays in family.

...

...

but.......

i also learned that two of my bro's friends who i was sitting with during the party also have this 'feverish' sickness. And at this point i'm just trying to convince my mum to buy or whatever test for corona.

and i'm scared it actually may be it. scared not for myself. scared for the ppl that were on this wedding. only 60 ppl. and as much as 60 ppl might be endangered.

but still it might not be it. i wish its not. but i dont know for sure.

[jaehyunspeachparty]

Hi ik I haven’t msg in awhile but.. I’ve been going through it. Ik it’s kinda weird to vent but this is the only space I can without feeling judged. I am taking a summer college classes and I recently got a job. It’s really hard cause I am very much on my own in the class and I have a c which is unacceptable for me. I’ve never had below an a in any class and I only have 2 and a 1/2 weeks left to raise my grade. I have really bad anxiety cause of my job which is a host at a restaurant

Continuation of the rant... I just don’t wanna mess up and tmr is my first time doing it alone without my superior watching me. Also Idk if it’s cause of corona or me but I’ve lost touch with most of my friends. My circle of friends always go out and I no longer can Bc I’m busy and they’ve gotten closer and have memories I don’t share. Ik it’s my fault but I’m just very sad abt it. Especially my best friend since childhood she’s become really close with someone else and I’m happy for her but ...

... I just am not ready to accept that she is my best friend and I’m not hers anymore. I think I am a negative person cause I’ve had a lot of stuff happen to me and I’m very depressed and I feel like I brought nothing into their lives so I’m happy that they are happy. I know I need to grow and make new friends but I’ve never been one to do it alone. It’s always my friends introducing me to people. Again so sorry to vent on you. You don’t have to reply. I just needed release. -🐙 

It really sounds like you're going through a very hard time. I’m really sorry. Unfortunately, I cannot help you with the grade in college, because I have never written good grades or placed any value on them. But I can understand the situation of the job and the group of friends very well. I had a phase myself last year where I wrote my master's thesis, worked on the side and I almost never had time for friends. I also lost some friends, even my best friend, whom I have known since I was 4 years old. It's a hard time, but I can say from experience that these moments will strengthen you. I used to be very introverted but I learned to approach people. After the time I got to know more and more people who don't judge me and understand me when I don't have time. It is a process and it takes time. But if everything goes well, you can learn from it. If your friends are not there for you now, they will never be there in difficult times. I wouldn't necessarily see it as your fault. 

I'm sure you can do it all. You will get stronger from all of this here. Life always puts you before such trials. Believe me, I've gone through a lot of them. But you come back from it stronger and more confident. I wish you much success and strength in everything ❤❤❤

[writingwithcolours]

Corona Virus Update

Actually this is my first official update the rest were just complains

Since Tumblr is a kind of diary for me and I even made a tag for this corona thingy, I guess I'll try to cover my feelings here to understand me better

I have always been Really scared of germs, bacteria or anything that could make me sick

The country entered quarantine the day I got into my hometown luckyly, since now we can't travel. About a month ago today

I traveled here knowing we were about to declare quarantine but thinking it would last only for the long weekend (since a lot of people usually go on mini vacation.... And they still did and got fined lol)

Anyway I bought literally one pair of pants and one pair of sneakers and since it was hot (we just ended summer) I only bought one jacket.

A month since and now the cold of autumn is going to kill me. I'm wearing my mom's clothes mostly and some old clothes I had here.

Anyway quarantine keeps getting prolonged here and the way I see it the government (actually the president said this) don't care about how much money we are losing as long as we keep the curve flat. (Which is good bc people here are so.... Dirty and uneducated in matters of hygene and common sense)

So I've been thinking about our country. My hypothesis is that we will be in quarantine until mid May. And that classes (and therefore my job) won't start until August.

Also I had so many plans due April and now what.......

Ok I won't worry about what I can't control I guess

I'm mostly really scared about how our lives chanced in a few days

How I've lost my normal

How this wont be something that's over in a few months

[thechampagnelovers]

Ohh that’s such an interesting take! While I do think she’s still intentionally choosing some very emotional songs for track 5 (bc she knows swifties expect that) I could absolutely see the track 13 being a thing. Both songs are about her grandparents as you said and we know there are no coincidences with ms swift! jsksjks super interesting, never thought about that! Agree with you on your ranking! Willow, champagne problems and gold rush is the wholy trinity for me. The first 6 songs are (1)

(2) the strongest for me. the only song i still didn’t really click with is cowboy like me. But ranking is so hard. I really like ivy and Coney Island more and more with each listen. Hope you’re having a good day and great weekend Camila 🥰 What are you doing in life btw? Do you go to school, uni, are you working? (If you don’t mind me asking) - Santa ⭐️

Hi Santa! I looove that we can agree 🤍 and yes holy trinity willow, champagne problems and gold rush, although I think gold rush is super underrated and deserves more attention! Cowboy like me uffffffff I’m gonna be honest with you, the only reason I like that song it’s because fucking naylor i mean dkfjdkfk have you seen my icon? He’s the cowboy like her 😌 and same thing, ivy is slowly growing on me, and although I like Coney Island it’s one of the few songs I don’t really end up clicking- it’s amazing but feels more folklore than evermore. If you could change songs from evermore to folklore and vice versa, which ones would you change? I want the lakes in evermore because that song is AMAZING and I love it a lot and it would be the final little touch to make evermore just even more perfect (pun intended)

What am I doing in life? djkddj thanks for asking, this was probably the worst year since I was 14/15, so me and my mom are gonna spend Christmas alone with my stepdad and my siblings and we’re gonna have FUN. I am just so tired, of the whole world. I haven’t log into Instagram for weeks now and I’ve never felt better.

I’m going to college, to study social communications! I love it a lot, and I really wish we can go back to normal classes because I enjoy it so much. And working this year was hard bc the damn corona, this last summer I didn’t work and decided to enjoy the beach and I’m really happy I did that, I would’ve hated myself if my last months of freedom before covid I had to work everyday. And then when classes were about to begin I got a job at the students cafeteria and I was sooo happy, but since we can’t go to the campus ofc I can’t work :/ now my dad is insisting me once more to work this summer but my mom is completely against it because COVID is still around. Lol you catch me in a weird day santa, I’m sorry if this is TMI. But I want to know about you now! College, work? Are you also losing your sanity like me? 🤪

[herestoallmydreams]

Been A Whileeeeee!

it’s been 6 years since I’ve written anything & a lot has happened in this time! 

-graduated college

-worked at a private school

-it became toxic

-jobless/ on the huntttttt ---- in my feels & connected with art again

-worked at a public school 

-was burdened & sick from mistreatment of a student & me (employee)

-decided to leave bc no benefits & fulltime with that mistreatment

-got a full-time & stuck it out

-CORONA virus & q’s of job again with possible district switch

I think that is a pretty accurate timeline of major events that have happened in my life over the span of 6 years. I also have grown so much in self discovery & development.... Grown stronger in my confidence, abilities, financial literacy, and understanding what I like/ don’t in relationships and dating.

Yea, I said relationships & dating!! bahahaha I think this is the biggest one here! I didn’t include this in my life update bullets but this has def been a large area of growth for me over this span.... starting with the fact that I actually have some experience to talk about that is “real.” Not to say that college crushes, summer fun romances & a “friendly” first make out are not real, but I actually fell in love.... with an older guy overseas in the summer of 2015. I was 23 and he was 31(8 year difference) and we were in love. I resisted the whole way through but it grew strong for me and I lost myself a bit in the process. 

Essentially, what I was afraid of happened... I didn’t wanna love him more, care more and feel unloved and uncared for. but that is what happened after 2 years together. I was all in and pulled back from flesh temptation bc I knew If we’d be together in person the expectation would be there so I treated it like if i wanted it to be my forever and resisted. That created more distance & made me feel more unloved. It hurt like hell in short. I turned to manipulation and I cried way more than I should have. But it’s done. I miss the companionship but I missed it months before we were “officially” done. 

Then oddly enough years later online dating apps has become a huggge industry and a really big trend. Hope & Ayo both met their  bf’s on their and encouraged me to get out there and date.

In 2018 and 2019 I still was “getting over” my ex in a way, but each year I felt better. By 2019 winter, I made a profile & started swiping. It was good to think of myself and dating.... experiment and get out there in a way. I went on A LOT of first dates and chatted with numerous guys to potentially date. It was fun and exciting. I found different people brought out different sides of me and I enjoyed getting to know new people and myself in the process. 

3 guys stood out most in my short 6 or so months of dating, Atabek, Mark & Tolga. 

-----First off Atabek was a beautiful man. I was most attracted to him but when we dated I think I was too unsure of what I wanted. He asked what I was interested in & I didn’t say one way or the other. I wanted to see him more (most of everyone I went out with but sadly it didnt really work out. I didnt hear from him.) 

------Mark was a black guy and a good person to text with. I enjoyed conversation but he didn’t seem ready to really date me. IDK if it was he didnt want things to be to serious or what.... He took forever to go out with me but i think it was an alright date all n all. With him i learned to let the guy be the gentleman--- if he tries to do something for me, don’t resist. Also, be myself but don’t be too much myself to scare him. (blew out my afro and it was hugely huge that day hehehe 

------Lastly was Tolga, ohhh Tolga. He was really good looking too like Atabek.... but in a more youthful kind of way. He was younger and very eager to date me. I think it was really that he was really eager to have a girlfriend. We went out 4 times in a couple weeks but texted/knew each other for a long time. With him I learned that I shouldn’t be too much in my head, but also if my gut is telling me something is missing then listen too.

 With him there were little things that i noticed as “red flags.” He associated with black culture & felt knowledgeable enough to speak on things bc he had black friends. also he was “pressed” to be exclusive. I should have let him kiss me at some point (ie get outta my head with it) but also i think a part of me knew that he was more superficial and I wanted to be with someone i connected with more on a deeper level. Mark i connected with more on a deep level but he was to wishy washy. Atabek I connected more on a physical level with him and some on a deep/ cultural level but I was the wishy washy one. 

Throughout all of this I know more of myself & what I am looking for. I am someone who takes time to grow to really like someone.... enough to want to call them and talk. I have to connect on a deep level and in order for my real attraction to develop for someone. I am also a bit fearful that I will let my guard down and love someone but their love wont be as strong and true as mine.

I want to be in a relationship where the love grows stronger and isn’t fleeting. One where he is patient and kind to me and takes the time to get to know me and love me. I want a slow roasted marinated kind of love, not a microwave minute kind of love. I want to be in a relationship with a man who is sure of himself and secure in himself in a way that he is cool with waiting to woo me and for me to let my guard down. Lastly, I want a man who will communicate with me when something is not working. One who can communicate gently but firmly what he wants and needs and is open to hear the same for me. I want to be clear in what i want and need too & be able to communicate that in a way that is gentle & firm too. 

Building security in a personal relationship with self allows for building security in a personal relationship with someone else. Being vulnerable with yourself and facing those things helps you to do so with your partner too. I saw that with each of these connections I built over the last few years too & I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned & how I’ve grown. 

I think at this point in life I have certain ideas about what my life should look like & where I wanna be when I meet/date the right guy, but honestly, heaven only knows. In my mind I want it to be in a couple years still, but in my heart, I think I’m really ready to be in a committed relationship. I saw myself being in a short dating relationship and getting married after a year or so of courting.... but I am open to dating for a little more of an extensive time (2-4 years) to get thing in order financially from this point in life. 

I’m 28 years old. Age is only a number but it does feel different when friends around you start to pair of and start their new lives together. It’s a beautiful thing. Most of the time I am happy for people but i have to watch myself. I have noticed at brief times quick flashes of jealousy like “how did they get to buy a home on their own” or wow, i can’t believe that they are getting married, having kids, or ohhh gosh another person from college is married. It has been interesting at times. Even people younger than me, finding love or being in a relationship. Sometimes hope complains but Im like hey, it’s something great ya got there. 

I know everyone is different though and I am def not Hope or Ayo or Morgan or any of my other friends. I am me & I gotta keep faith that someone right is out there for me & trust in God’s timing and plan. He works things so that I can learn along the way & this way, when it is time for me to be with the right person, I will be the right person.

Anyways, this post was very very long but it’s been a while. :) kinda glad i have a space for this bc quarantine has been making me a lil loopy the last couple weeksssssss. That and period hormone thingssss mehh. 

the end for now!

[othernecessarythings]

back on my bullshit again

and once more!! if you happen to stumble across these posts of mine, please just ignore them.. they’re a way for me to reflect on my life (and improve my english), and while i can’t stop you from reading them, can i say that you probably wouldn’t benefit much from it lol. anyways let’s go

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

my lots of songs list: the love club-lorde, river en vacker dröm-håkan hellström, living dead-marina, why we ever-hayley williams, snälla bli min-veronica maggio, take this lonely heart-nothing but thieves

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

oof um the person who will be the love of my life? no lol but like zendaya would be pretty cool ig

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“... and the top was red-and-white striped, and it all zipped up in the front.”

4) What do you think about most?

hmm my friends maybe?

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

not that i know of

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

nah i feel some trypophobia (?spelling) sometimes but that’s it

7) What’s your religion?

i’m kinda christian, but like i choose which parts to believe in and not, like i believe in the message of doing good and love, but not like homophobia or an actual god lol

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

sitting in the sun, listening to music

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

ah probably paramore, yeah it must be them

10) What was the last lie you told?

eh kinda basic but “i’m fine” i guess

11) Do you believe in karma?

ooh that’s a questioning worth discussing, no i don’t believe in the actual the-universe-is-constantly-judging-our-actions, but like that people who do good tend to get good things back? yeah that makes sense

12) What does your URL mean?

my main (neon-places) is from perfect places by lorde, and just neon bc it sounds cool

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

oh god if i only knew,,, i really need to improve my empathy, but my systematical skills are quite good

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

hayley williams

15) How do you vent your anger?

i don’t get mad😌😌 no but like when i get irritated do i just close my door to my room and like listen to music in headphones and solve a puzzle or something lol

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

i kinda collect things that mark an important/memorable event in my life, like my first pride bracelet, my favorite jeans from when i was like 15, lots of birthday cards,, yeah it’s not so unique, but they’re important to me

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes!!!! me a few years ago would’ve never thought that i’d be like this now, but i’m proud of myself and what i’ve become!!

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

fun fact i HATE sleeping to the sound of rain. it makes me really anxious,, i love the sound of waves though, or my little sisters pure laugh :,)

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if i’m just faking everything, what if this is not actually me but something i put up to please others around me

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

not ghosts really, but there must be some sort of life in the whole fucking space,, while maybe not what we traditionally would categorize as “life”, must it exist something, somewhere

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

i’m in my bed so like. my nightstand to the right, my wall to the left

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

absolutely nothing, i’m so used to the smell of my house

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

oo idk??? i’m usually quite content with wherever we’re going, although fotografiska in stockholm was shitty though

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

oh um like tyler joseph maybe? gerard way, frank iero? yeah i’m an emo slut

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

no don’t go there,, thereisnomeaningoflifesoitsallaboutmakingasmuchaspossibleandliveashappilyaspossiblyuntilourfleetingexistenceonthisearthisover

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

.. yeah you could say that i drove, i have a driving license after all, and i’ve never crashed but i’ve been stopped by police a few times lol

27) What was the last movie you saw?

no idea, i never watch movies... or wait!! we had legally blonde on at my friends house a few days ago when we got home from a party, i didn’t exactly watch it but it was playing

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

i’ve had some bad allergic reactions in form of severe eczema

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

‘the devil and god are raging inside me’ by brand new, doing my makeup a special way

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yeah, that i’m gay and together with my earlier best friend (we were not)

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

not really,, i’m really fucking scared of conflicts so i simply forgive and move on, it’s easier that way

32) What is your astrological sign?

pisces baby

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?

a blue skirt second hand!! v cute

34) Love or lust?

um idk i’ve never really experienced any of them, but maybe love

35) In a relationship?

nope

36) How many relationships have you had?

a whopping amount of zero

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I DONT KNOW someone tell me please how to get someone to like me,, but like more friendship-like is it usually to always choose my words very carefully to not upset anyone, it usually gets me quite far

38) Where is your best friend?

where? i hope she’s home? well like we took the bus home together a few hours ago, so i guess she’s home

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

aha ha funny,, i was having a small mental crisis so i sat and did math (by free will, school has ended for summer) while listening to melodrama.. yes

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i don’t know, this is so hard.. but like. no? or it wouldn’t really work to have someone like me as a close friend, i’m to introvert, i tend to surround myself with extroverts who bring me with them to do stuff

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

oh um i call 112 (the swedish 911) and make sure someone else notice the dog too and help it while i hurry to my job

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) yes, i think so. only my closest though, to give them a chance to say goodbye properly, but i wouldn’t really like other just acquaintances to reach out just bc of the circumstances

b) i try to travel as much as possible, party all i can, tell everyone i love how much they mean to me and just. live

c) of course, i would be scared to death (see what i did there) but i wouldn’t have any other choice but to fully live my last month

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

hard times by paramore!! it always makes me want to dance

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

no

45) How can I win your heart?

show any whatsoever interest in me lol

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

i guess,, i’m like the opposite of insanity though, i’m constantly numb and completely lacking any creativity, so it may work the other way too

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

hmm maybe my school application? i’m so fucking happy with my choice

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

hmm nothing too special i guess, just the usual loved and missed and so

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”

like the anatomy and stuff,,, i really like biology, more than romances lol

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

usually different shades of blue, but right now all pastel colors, especially purple

51) What is your current desktop picture?

my locked screen is two of my best friends, and my home screen is paramore ofc

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump would be pretty nice

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

oh um like “name a few things you don’t like about me” or something, bc as i said, i hate conflicts

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

the ability to change the probability!!! it’s the ultimate superpower!!!

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

my tøp concert maybe? i was really euphoric then, and i haven’t really felt like that since, but i’m afraid i’ll destroy that memory if i could go back so idk

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i’ve had quite a happy life yet, there’s no big thing i’d like to erase,, no i feel like every experience in my life has leaded me to where i am today, so i wouldn’t like to erase anything

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

hmm idk maybe alex turner. idk i feel like it would be pretty nice

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

italy maybe? my friends and i planned to go there this summer before the corona hit, so i’d like to go there lol

59) Ever been on a plane?

yeah several times

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

idk idk i’m not really.. attracted to anyone rn? it’s kinda weird but there’s no one where i’m like wow this person is HOT,, nah i don’t really feel anything like that at the moment