#and then at 12:30 another 2 friends came when they finished their exam and we started playing

[aroaceofthesea]

Today i spent over 7 hours straight playing mao someone needs to stop me

[neocityarchive]

blind love | l.m.k.

— in which mark lee is so much more than just your best friend but you were too blind to realize it.

word count: 7.2k | warnings: light swearing | blind love - lola young |

a/n: i didnt mean for it to be this long but i hope you enjoy!!!

“Just friends,” Mark said, his voice still steady even in the growing tension of the moment. “That’s all you said we are, right?”

Your head dropped down to look at your hands, not knowing what to say. The overbearing guilt of rejecting his sudden confession was crushing your chest that it became painful to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Mark,” was all you could say. You forced yourself to meet his gaze through your already glassy eyes, wanting to let him know the sincerity of your words.

He smiled kindly, shaking his head. There was sadness in his eyes. And in all the years you two have known each other, you could tell how hard he was trying to hide it. ��It’s okay. That’s all we’ll be.”

You bumped your head repeatedly against your study table in an attempt to rid yourself of the memory that’s constantly been playing in your head. 

It was a Sunday which meant there were no classes, which meant the university was closed, which meant that you couldn’t even make an excuse to see your best friend Mark who somehow, after almost three years of friendship, suddenly decided that it was a good idea to tell you he loves you more than a friend should love a friend.

You couldn’t say it happened out of nowhere. He’s been saying he has something important to tell you for almost two weeks before the incident but every time you confront him about it, he always makes up some lame excuse to dodge. It took a lot of self-hate for yourself and a nice amount of his protective instinct to finally make him spit it out. 

He came to your apartment that night, finding you barefaced, wearing a pair of sweats and one of his hoodies that you stole some time ago. From that he already knew you weren’t okay. You like wearing his stuff to seek some sort of comfort. Somehow, the smell of his clothes helps calm you down.

You were supposed to help him finish a report but you couldn’t concentrate after getting a below satisfactory grade on a major exam. College has done nothing but give you a shitload of insecurities lately and this just pushed you off the edge. The only thing that has been keeping you sane was the knowledge that you had someone who you can run to at the end of the day. Someone who is willing to listen to your rants and would do almost anything to cheer you up.

That day, however, none of Mark’s usual encouragement worked on you. He was getting frustrated hearing you downplay yourself because of a single exam. You started going on about how stupid you felt, how staying up all night to study did nothing but make you ugly. Mark countered every insult you threw at yourself, throwing in a few jokes here and there, all of which you ignored. But when you went on about how all of this made you unworthy of anything, how no one could possibly love you in this state, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I love you,” he snapped, cutting you off from your long self-deprecating speech. 

“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that,” you whined, clearly missing the point.

Mark, on the other hand, was barely holding it all inside. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “No, idiot. I love you. Stop saying no one could love you, because I do. And not just because you’re my best friend.”

It wasn’t until you noticed his hands were quivering that you realized what he really meant. Looking back on it, you couldn’t help but hate yourself. You were sure it took a lot of his courage (and frustration) to come clean to you like that, and you couldn’t even take him seriously at first.

“Mark, no,” you remember telling him.

“I do. I hate that I do, but I do.” He looked away. “I love you and I know you’re feeling burdened right now, but you don’t have to say it back.”

A part of you broke that day. You hated rejecting people after having gone through several rejections yourself. It’s the worst feeling. You always wished there was a way you could always return people’s feelings just so no one would get hurt, but the universe just doesn’t work that way.

You muttered about a hundred sorries to which Mark replied a hundred ‘it’s okay’s. Maybe it was meant to make you feel better, but it just felt like your heart was getting ripped off your chest.

Mark didn’t stay long after that. You didn’t even get to help him with his report. He said sorry for suddenly dropping the L-word and you said sorry for not being able to say it back. He smiled sadly and it took your everything not to cry. He asked if he could hug you and you didn’t even answer. You just went straight into his arms, burying your head in his chest like you’ve done so many times before, breathing heavily to keep yourself from breaking down. And when the two of you pulled away, he insisted on being alone for a while. You said okay followed by another sorry.

You didn’t know “being alone for a while” meant ignoring you for god knows how long. You see him at uni but he wouldn’t even meet your eye. Even when you share the same class, he would choose to sit as far from you as possible. Once, he entered a cafe you were in and upon seeing you inside, he immediately turned around and walked away.

He’s ignoring you and he isn’t even being subtle about it. Mark Lee could never be subtle about anything, not even his feelings. You really were just too blind to realize anything.

Even other people saw how he felt. People used to come up to you all the time and ask about your “boyfriend” Mark. Sure, you would blush, shy that people thought you’re in a relationship with your best friend. When you explain that you weren’t actually dating, you would get the same shocked reaction every time. One of your friends even said you acted more like a couple than most people in a relationship do. You always thought it was just because you and Mark were such good friends.

“Friends don’t hold hands in public,” you remember Renjun saying.

“We don’t hold hands. He just grabs me and drags me to places,” you said defensively.

“And they don’t hug each other and stare at each other’s eyes while talking about pizza,” Jaemin scoffed.

You just rolled your eyes at them. It never crossed your mind that maybe they were right. You and Mark have never acted like how friends should. Maybe it’s the reason why you’re in this mess after all.

You sighed to yourself. You miss him. You can’t even pretend that you don’t. He’s become such a huge part of your everyday life that you couldn’t just ignore the sudden empty space he left when he said he wanted to be alone. You know he needed time to be by himself. But a part of you keeps holding on to his promise that even after his confession, you two would still be friends. And friends text each other, right? So all your attempts at communication depended on just that.

Thursday, 5:31 PM

You: wanna go watch a movie? i’ll buy the tickets.

Mark: cant. i have an exam tomorrow. sorry :/ maybe next time?

You: oh. okay. goodluck on your exam :)

Friday, 2:21 AM

You: [photo] this is possibly the cutest cat photo i’ve seen in awhile

Mark: that’s cute but dogs are still cuter

You: … okay?

Mark: go to sleep, y/n

Friday, 12:03 PM

You: i know you dont have class rn. have lunch w me?

Mark: oh i already ate with jaemin. sorry!!

You: it’s okayyyy :>> i’ll see u later? it’s friday night sooo we can hang out.

Mark: idk the boys already asked me to go out tonight

You: oh okay have fun!

Saturday, 6:54 PM

You: maaaark

Mark: y/nnn

You: [types] i miss you kajdhfhdksjdh [deletes]

You: nothing haha wanna grab some coffee?

Saturday, 7:01 PM

You: nvm haha have a nice nighhhttt

Sunday, 10:21 PM

You: hey can we talk

Mark: ???

You: please?

Mark: ye what about?

You: you said we’d still be friends

Mark: lol aren’t we?

You: this isn’t how friends talk to each other. i miss having an actual conversation with you.

You: we dont even see each other anymore.

Mark: i literally reply more to u than i do to jaem wdym haha

You: wow fine okay

Mark: ?????

You: i guess i deserve that haha

Mark: im tired y/n. night.

You: :( nighttt

You checked your messages for the nth time, reading everything as if something was gonna miraculously change with the cold conversation thread. Your fingers have been hovering over the keypad, typing and deleting ‘i miss you’ and ‘talk to me’ for about a hundred times already.

You don’t get why you can’t just say it. What’s so wrong with telling your best friend you miss him? Why is it so hard to press send? Why are you suddenly so afraid of how he would reply or if he would even reply at all?

It was only 10:30 in the evening. You know for sure Mark is only lying about going to sleep. He never sleeps this early unless he really is tired. He does nothing on Sundays so he can’t possibly be tired. Sundays are usually just the two of you hanging out in his apartment or yours, just to watch movies or study together. So what did he do today?

“Stop thinking about him,” you grumbled to yourself. “It’s just Mark. He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.”

But that’s not the point, a voice inside your head said. Just tell him you miss him.

You typed it again, ‘I miss you,’ but deleted it as soon as it was finished. Again. 

You’ve spent everyday with Mark that it suddenly hurts to think he’s enjoying the time you usually spend together alone. It’s crazy how you can’t stop thinking about how his day went or if he’s okay or whether he’s eaten or not. You know how stubborn he can be. Sometimes, he’d get so engulfed in whatever he’s doing that he would accidentally skip meals unless you remind him otherwise. 

���Fuck this,” you muttered to yourself. You figured you won’t ever be left at peace if you don’t do anything about whatever you’re feeling, so you decided to text Jaemin.

Sunday, 10:52 PM

You: jaeeem hi :)

Jaemin: y/n!!!!! hello :>

You: sorry for bothering you but have you talked to mark lately?

Jaemin: im talking to him rn haha why? you want me to ask him something?

You: not really hahaha how is he?

Jaemin: haha why not ask him yourself

You: he doesnt wanna talk to me lol pls just answer

Jaemin: he’s stubborn as always. he wont listen to me.

You: why, what’s he doing?

Jaemin: idk but it’s definitely not talking to you ksjdjkd

You: … very funny

Jaemin: sorry lmaooo he’s running on an hour or two of sleep everyday

You: jaemin!! why won’t you scold him?

Jaemin: we do! he just doesn’t listen. u know he only listens to you.

Jaemin: idk why you guys still arent together lmao bunch of idiots tbh

You: we’re just friends

Jaemin: rlly? oh btw mark hyung is looking for his save the bees shirt. did u see it anywhere?

You: yeah he left it here like two weeks ago when he slept over

Jaemin: LMAOOO DOESNT SOUND LIKE FRIENDS TO ME CHIEF

You: i fckingskjfhfn hate you

Jaemin: HJSJSHHDJD ok but seriously tho mark hyung is fine. just give him time, he’ll come around.

Jaemin: he misses you but u didnt hear it from me

Jaemin: ok bye he’s getting suspicious now lol

You: idk how you’re both an angel and the devil at the same time

You: anw thanks jaem. dont tell him i asked about him lol byeee

You sighed, putting your phone down in surrender. Your mind was more of a mess now than it was before you talked to Jaemin. You hate that he makes sense especially about the weird, more-than-friendly dynamics of your relationship with Mark. But more importantly, your head was beginning to be overfilled with worry.

Mark runs on barely two hours of sleep everyday. No wonder he always looks so out of it whenever you see him in the hallway. You wanted to call him, to tell him that he should sleep already, to remind him that he shouldn’t overwork himself, that doing just enough is okay. But you know he doesn’t want to talk to you. The cold replies and the ‘????’ were more than enough to tell you that.

Still, you figured it was worth a try sending him a little reminder. So you grabbed your phone once again and typed a message, revealing a little more of your emotions than you intended to. And before you could even think twice about it, you hit send.

Sunday, 11:04 PM

You: hey i know you’re still not asleep. dont worry, you dont have to reply to me. i just wanna tell you that you should take care of yourself. i know you. you’re stubborn and sometimes you won’t sleep or eat unless someone reminds you to so,, this is me reminding you haha. stop overworking yourself mark, please? you cant be sick cause i cant take care of you since you wont talk to me… lol jk. but seriously, get more rest (and talk to me,, hahah jk again unless u wanna ;)) please go to sleep now. goodnight. see you around i guess.

You stopped texting Mark after that. You wondered if he would find the initiative to talk to you first if you didn’t start the conversation. Now, two days have passed and your sleep reminder remains to be the last message on your conversation thread. You couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. You were hoping for at least a small thanks but didn’t get anything at all.

You were starting to get more and more frustrated as the days went by. It’s so unfair that you are slowly losing your best friend because of this. It’s unfair that you can’t even be mad at him because you just broke his heart. You wished there was any way you could have changed what happened, but the past remains to be written.

That afternoon, you passed by one of the cafes you and Mark always go to. You went inside, suddenly craving their special banana muffin which he introduced to you some months ago. The owner recognized you right away as you came up to the cashier.

“You’re not with your boyfriend today?” she asked.

You felt your heart skip a beat and not in a good way. It hurt. You figured there was no use in explaining since she probably won’t believe that Mark is not your boyfriend so you just smiled sadly and answered, “No.”

The lady somehow talked you into buying two muffins so you can bring one to your “boyfriend.” After handing her your payment, you realized maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. Mark always brings you stuff whenever you’re mad or upset. He knows exactly what you’re craving for even before you knew you were craving for it. Why not try if it works on him?

As soon as you headed out the cafe, you whipped your phone out to text Jaemin, asking if he knew where Mark was. It’s Tuesday, his most free day of the week so he could be anywhere. Jaemin replied not after five minutes.

Jaemin: not sure but he mentioned something about the library??

You: okay thank you!

From that, you knew exactly where Mark is. There was a small patio-like spot beside the library that he likes going to. Not a lot of people utilize the place since the tables and chairs are almost always filled with dried fallen leaves from the surrounding trees but Mark likes the thought of being close to nature.

That day though, there were more people around the area than usual. It was lunchtime so most people were out of the classrooms. Still, it wasn’t hard spotting Mark. It has never been much of a challenge finding him in a crowd of people. You saw him as soon as he came into view, sitting by the table on the corner under one of the ginkgo trees. He had his laptop open and a box of food beside it. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration one moment and then he was laughing the next. 

You were about to make your way towards him but immediately stopped in your tracks when you realized he wasn’t alone.

You didn’t know who the girl was. You’ve seen her a lot of times in class and in the hallway. You even have a vague memory of Mark talking to her one time. But you never really bothered to learn her name. She had that soft, innocent look that goes so well with her shy smile. She had her hair tucked in her ears to show just enough of her pretty face. She was beautiful. Unconventionally but undeniably. But none of that mattered.

When she said something with a smirk and Mark let out his trademark laugh, nose scrunching, hand repeatedly hitting the table, shoulders shaking and all, it felt like something punched you in the stomach. He uttered something in reply and now both of them are clutching their sides for laughing too hard. 

He looks happy, you thought, I should be, too.

But you aren’t. You continued watching their exchange, him showing her something on his laptop and both of them laughing once again. Your chest felt heavy, like something was sitting on it and now it hurts to breathe. You didn’t realize you’ve been clutching the plastic bag containing the muffin too hard until you felt the sting of nails digging on your palms. You knew you should look away but you couldn’t. You wanted to run towards him. You wanted to tell the girl to scooch over so you can sit beside Mark and give him his muffin.

This is pathetic. I should be happy for him, you said to yourself. But why am I not?

You wanted to be angry, to scream and say that it should be you he’s laughing like that with. To say that it’s you he should be spending his time with. You wanted to ask if he still feels the way he said he does about you. And if he does, then why this? But you remained glued to the ground.

You hated how you were being selfish. You rejected him, remember? So why do you expect him to follow your tails like an intoxicated mad dog? Why can’t you be happy at the possibility that he found someone that feels the same way he does? Why does it… hurt? It’s not supposed to. If you really are friends, then him being happy with someone after your rejection should make you happy as well. If you really are friends, then you shouldn’t be standing here looking stupid, watching them from afar, wishing he’s with you instead.

“What are you looking at?”

You jumped at the sudden disruption, almost dropping your muffins. “What the hell, Jaemin?!” you whined, finally looking away from Mark.

“Mark hyung and Mina?” he snorted.

So that’s her name. “No,” you lied, forcing yourself to take a step away, then another, then another.

“Are you jealous?” Jaemin teased. “Have you finally realized you’re also whipped for our hyung?”

“No,” you grumbled.

“Then why are you almost crying?” 

You blinked. You didn’t even realize the tears pooling in your eyes. Why are you being like this? “Shut up. I’m not.”

Jaemin only shrugged. “Fine. Torture yourself, then.” He smirked. “By the way, Jeno and I are inviting people to our place this Friday after exams. Just some drinks and maybe karaoke, I don’t know. We all deserve a break from hell. Wanna come?”

You didn’t reply. Your mind was too preoccupied with other things.

“Mark hyung is coming,” he said. “Maybe Mina too.”

“I don’t wanna go,” you said immediately, suddenly coming up with a decision.

The boy laughed. “You are jealous! God, I love it when you prove yourself wrong. You shouldn’t be though. You already know he likes you.”

“I’m not jealous! Stop it,” you whined, really wanting to cry this time. Everything is so frustrating and Jaemin is not being of any help. You wanted to go home and just wrap yourself in your blanket and maybe one of Mark’s hoodies.

“Then come to our place this Friday. It’s gonna be fun.” He grinned.

“Fine. Whatever. Just get away from me, you little shit,” you said, kicking him lightly in the butt.

You didn’t know if it was a lie or not but if Mark really is seeing someone now, you just didn’t like the idea of seeing them flirt with each other in front of your eyes. Even the thought of it makes you want to pull all your hair out. Is that considered jealousy? If so, why are you feeling it for someone who’s supposed to be just a friend?

Thursday came and you found yourself crying after realizing the shirt you’ve been wearing the whole day was Mark’s. No wonder he looked surprised seeing you in the hallway. He looked away immediately though, acting as if you weren’t there. It didn’t even cross your mind since you use this shirt quite a lot.

After calming yourself down, you put your playlist on shuffle and cried some more after Friends by Ed Sheeran started playing. You didn’t even realize how fitting the song was for your situation until now. Mark probably did.

You remembered him singing that song once. The two of you were just lounging in his apartment. He was playing his guitar while you pretended to study when in reality you were just looking at him. You watched as his fingers plucked and strummed the guitar strings while he softly mumbled lyrics, head bobbing to the tune. He’s good. Unsurprisingly, since he’s good at everything.

When he realized you were staring at him, he turned his head slightly to meet your eyes, one side of his lips curling up into a smirk. “No, my friends won’t love me like you do,” he sang. 

You looked away, your cheeks heating up almost immediately. It was hard to focus on your readings when he’s sitting right in front of you looking like that, singing like that. You sighed. He truly was never being subtle about how he felt.

After finishing the song, Mark put his guitar down and laid his head on your lap, not even bothering to ask if it’s okay. That’s how comfortable you were with each other.

“What are you doing?” You remember whining.

“Wake me up after 15 minutes,” he said, already closing his eyes. You took a photo of him that night. He’s cute when he’s asleep. Even cuter when you look at him up close. 

Of course, you just had to search your camera roll to find the photo. When you did, it felt as if a storm was raging on your stomach and a gorilla was pounding on your chest. It never dawned to you just how much it hurts that he suddenly left you alone until that moment.

“Goddamn, I miss you so much,” you muttered, looking at his peaceful expression in the photo.

And then you cried some more. You feel lost.

All you wanted to do was curl up in his arms and inhale his scent and listen to how his day went (and maybe accidentally fall asleep together). It sucks because you really had no one else to turn to. The single person who has always been your safe place doesn’t want to talk to you and even if he did, you really wouldn’t know what to say. Perhaps friends really aren’t like that. The thought of everyone being right when they said that maybe you and Mark were never really just friends has never been stronger than it was tonight.

Still, you couldn’t be bothered to sort your feelings out.

He feels like home, you thought. It was the best way to explain the sense of comfort and safety and the feeling of being more than enough that he provides you. It’s the only thing you can think of when your mind drifts to how he is always the constant person that you run to at the end of the day. But friends can feel like home, too, right?

Not to this extent. Not really.

Friday. You found yourself aimlessly roaming around the neighborhood after your classes in the hopes of distracting yourself from your feelings or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be called. You wouldn’t have remembered Jaemin’s party if you didn’t happen to pass by their apartment building.

You stood in front of it for two solid minutes, contemplating whether to go or not.

Mark might be there, you thought. With everything that’s going on in your head and with all the mess happening in your chest, would it really be a good idea to see him? You thought maybe all these things you’re feeling are just a result of missing him. All these sadness and confusion might just be because you miss your best friend.

So you entered the building. You told yourself that you’ll try talking to him again this time, no matter how stubborn he’s going to be. And if it still doesn’t change anything, then you will take it as a sign to let him go. If not forever, then at least for now.

You reached the door to Jaemin and Jeno’s apartment. Even from the outside, the sound of the bass can already be heard. You wondered how long before the neighbors would file a complaint against them, but knowing Jaemin and Jeno, their neighbors are probably inside, partying with them right now.

Before entering, you looked down on your chest just to make sure you were wearing your own shirt and not Mark’s. It didn’t feel right wearing his stuff anymore. God, it really felt like you just broke up. Why is it like this?

You took a deep breath and opened the door. There were already a lot of people inside even if it was just 8 in the evening. Most of them, you know the faces of. You smiled to greet some and muttered a hi to others.

Renjun spotted you as soon as you came into the living room. “Y/N!” He grinned, handing you a cup of god knows what. “Jaemin said he invited you but we were all pretty sure you were gonna ghost us. But you didn’t!”

You laughed hesitantly. “Thanks, I guess?”

“Drink up. It’s a cocktail I made myself,” he said proudly, almost forcing the cup into your mouth.

You took a sip, figuring it won’t do any harm but you spat the liquid back to the cup as soon as it touched your tongue. “What the hell did you put in this?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just mixed in everything I could find. Thanks for trying it out though. I’ve been looking for a volunteer for five minutes already.”

You frowned. There were a lot of things you were unsure of at the moment but there is one thing that’s certain: you have weird friends. You were about to complain to Renjun when he plucked the cup from your grip and went on to find another victim, not even bothering to listen when you said you literally spat on the cup.

Mark didn’t seem to be anywhere. The apartment wasn’t that big so if he was here, it would be easy to spot him. Maybe he decided not to show up after knowing you were coming. And honestly, part of you was relieved. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you still didn’t know what to say. 

I’m sorry I broke your heart, but I miss you so much and I did a lot of thinking and maybe we really shouldn’t be labeled as just friends but I don’t know if I love you, is that okay? That’s just stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

You wanted to leave. Parties have never really been your thing. You usually just go because Mark asked you to since he loves interacting with people. But you figured you needed some alcohol in your system, mainly as a distraction, but also to give you a boost of courage just in case. So you made your way to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with anyone as much as possible.

You stopped in your tracks as you came to the kitchen. The sound of that laugh was all too familiar.

Great, you thought. Mark was there. And Mina was too. But so were Jeno and Jaemin who exchanged looks as soon as their eyes landed on you. They were all laughing about something before you came.

“You’re here!” Jaemin said a little too enthusiastically in a poor attempt to address the sudden increase of tension in the room.

“Hi,” you said, smiling sheepishly, purposefully avoiding Mark’s gaze which you could feel boring into you. “Just gonna get a drink.”

“Help yourself,” Jeno said. Jaemin smirked beside him. 

The refrigerator was just beside Mark. Just great, you thought again. You walked towards it, desperately trying to ignore the four pairs of eyes following your every move.

“Excuse me,” you muttered, still not looking at your best friend.

Mark took a step sideways before opening the fridge for you. You muttered a quick thanks before grabbing the first bottle your hands landed on, not even bothering to check what it was. You really just wanted to get out of there. Maybe the talking to Mark plan was flawed from the beginning because you clearly can’t find the courage in you to face him now.

Beside you, Mark clicked his tongue. He was so close that you could smell his perfume mixed with a bit of alcohol. It made your knees weak. 

He took the bottle from your hand and put it back before grabbing a different one and handing it to you. “The other one had vodka. Vodkas give you a headache, remember?” he said in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh.” Your voice sounded small even to your own ears. Not gonna lie, you wanted to cry at that moment. “Thanks.”

You could hear Jaemin snickering behind you but you couldn’t bring it in yourself to care. You turned to everyone and said a quick goodbye before dashing out of the kitchen.

Your heart was beating hard and rapidly and not because you moved too fast. You didn’t know why but it hurt seeing Mark like that, like he was okay, like nothing changed with the two of you. It hurt knowing that even after everything, he still knows you the best.

You wanted to run. You wanted to disappear. But you couldn’t leave without passing by the kitchen. Somehow, you know someone in there would stop you. If not Mark, then definitely Jaemin. But you really wanted to be alone. So you resorted to the next best thing. You whipped your phone out and sent Jaemin a text.

You: thanks for inviting me to this party. now i feel like shit :D

Jaemin: IM SORRY BUT DONT LEAVE YET TF

You:  i need to be alone and i cant leave without passing by the kitchen and seeing mark. so pls let me use your room for a while.

You: i wont do anything i promise. i just need to calm down.

Jaemin: fine but dont lock the door

You: okay thanks

The door to Jaemin’s room was at the other end of the apartment. You made your way through the noisy crowd, slipping from Renjun’s weird gimmicks when he tried to make you a victim once again, before finally reaching the quiet confines of Jaemin’s room.

The thin walls barely blocked the noise but at least there was no one else here. You sat at the edge of the bed and placed the beer bottle on the floor. You forgot you didn’t even manage to open it. So you just stared at your feet, trying to catch your breath even if you didn’t do anything. That heavy feeling on your chest was back again. It was now associated with being in Mark’s presence.

You started counting to ten to calm yourself down before burying your face on your palms, breaking down into sobs as soon as your forehead came in contact with your fingers. “God, why can’t I just…” you cried, “... admit it to myself already?”

You wanted to thrash around in the bed in frustration but you thought Jaemin didn’t deserve such a mess so you settled with getting up and lightly banging your head against the door. It’s a bad habit you do when you feel annoyed or frustrated. Mark has always been reminding you to stop before you hurt yourself.

Mark. Again. You groaned, hitting your head a little harder this time.

Someone knocked on the door making you stop. You took a step back, thinking you just imagined it. But there it was again.

“Someone’s here,” you said, trying to hide the sound of your voice breaking.

“I know. Can I come in?” It was Mark. There was no question. 

Your heart started pounding on your chest once again. You wanted to tell him to go away but you couldn’t find it in yourself to do so. 

He took your silence as a yes. He swung the door slightly and poked his head through the small opening. Your hands immediately flew to your face to hide the fact that you’ve been crying.

“You know, I came in here because I didn’t wanna see you when I pass by the kitchen if I leave then you come here making me look like a clown,” you said, your voice muffled by your hands.

Mark chuckled softly. “Why didn’t you wanna see me?”

You didn’t reply. Your face felt hot, not just because of the tears that just won’t stop falling but also because all the blood has come rushing to your cheeks.

Mark grabbed both your wrists and gently lowered your hands down, trying to see your face, but your head bent down as soon as it wasn’t covered. “Y/N, look at me,” he said, hands still on your wrists.

“No.”

“Are you crying?” The idiot crouched down to have a glimpse of your face making you whine and cover your face again. “Last I checked, I should be the one looking brokenhearted around here.”

“God I hate you,” you mumbled. “You ignored me for nearly four weeks and you come in here just to make fun of me.”

He let out an empty laugh. “Well, you did break my heart so…”

At that, you removed your hands from your face to look at him. You were going to say sorry but Mark had that smug look on his face that made you want to punch him. It was almost convincing if you weren’t so good at reading the real emotions in his eyes. His expression softened upon finally seeing you properly.

He looked away, not being able to hold your gaze either. That just confirmed how hard he was trying to keep up with the exterior he was showing everyone.

“I’m sorry,” you said, voice breaking.

He sighed.  “I told you. It’s okay.”

“But it’s not,” you cried. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t realize how easy it was to misread what we had because let’s face it, we don’t act like ‘just friends.’ I’m sorry because I was too blind to see how you felt even when you weren’t really trying to hide it. I’m sorry because even though I rejected you, I was so selfish that I still wanted to keep you for myself without realizing that you probably needed to be away from me to move on. I’m sorry because…” you swallowed.

Mark was just looking at you, eyebrows slightly raised in anticipation of what you were going to say next. You missed him. You missed that cute face of his. You missed being in his presence. You missed his voice and his laugh and how he loves teasing you even if he probably feels like shit inside. You missed everything. Four weeks have been too long without each other. Four weeks is too long without your best friend. Four weeks is too long without your home. And that’s when you realized…

“... I can’t let you go. And I might be too late, but I’m sorry that I only just realized why.”

“Why?” he asked. 

It was a simple question. Why? Yet it managed to carve out every single feeling you’ve ever felt for this boy. Every little moment he made you laugh. Every small heartbreak you get when he fails to keep his tiny promises. Every single night you ‘accidentally’ fell asleep next to each other. Every ounce of fulfillment you get when you finally convince him to sleep after a long day. Every goodnight. Every good morning. Everything.

“I love you,” you said. It sounded almost like an exhale.

For a moment, Mark didn’t reply. Your head immediately started swarming with unwelcomed thoughts. Maybe you were too late. You almost forgot about Mina who he seems to be having an excellent time with. Maybe he managed to move on within those four weeks. It’s possible, right? You had your chance and you missed it. 

Finally, Mark let out a laugh, his head falling down to look at the floor. “I told you you didn’t have to say it back,” he said, voice soft.

You shook your head. “I’m not saying it because you said it first,” you said. “I realize this might be the worst timing but I just thought you should know you weren’t the only one being stupid enough to fall for their best friend. I was just too dumb to realize that that’s what it was.”

“Why would it be the worst timing?” He frowned.

You felt like crying again. You really wish you had some alcohol in your system right now. Why is this whole confession thing taking so long? “‘Cause you’re dating Mina? Or trying to. I don’t know. I tried not keeping tabs on you because our friends are assholes who wouldn’t stop teasing me. She’s pretty, by the way. You two look good together.”

Mark laughed again. It was raw and real this time, and god, the way your chest tightened in endearment at the sound was so pure. “You thought me and Mina are dating?”

“Aren’t you? I’ve seen you guys together a lot.” Well, once. But you tend to overestimate things.

“No!” He snorted. “Jaemin and I are trying to get her and Jeno together. If anything, she made me realize that we definitely aren’t just friends.”

“Really?” Now you just feel stupid. But what else is new? It’s all you’ve been feeling lately. Come to think of it, Mark and Mina didn’t even come close to how you two act with each other.

“Really,” he said. “Friends don’t stay at each other’s place and cuddle with each other just to fall asleep, Y/N. Besides, I said I love you, didn’t I? Did you really think that’s just gonna go away that quickly?”

“Mark, I can’t even sort my feelings out. How am I supposed to figure out how yours work?” You sighed.

“Fine. Just to be clear, I still love you. Even if you don’t, I love you,” he said, taking both your hands and placing it on his shoulder before putting his on your waist.

“But I do.”

“Say it then.”

“I love you. Even if you’re the dorkiest person I know, I love you.” Your fingers tangled themselves in his hair. You’ve run your hands through his hair so many times before. You wondered why it never crossed your mind that you liked doing it not because his hair is soft but because you were sucker for the domestic feeling of it.

Mark couldn’t stop himself from smiling that he had to bury his face at the crook of your neck. “I’m not used to this, sorry.”

“Me neither,” you laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he pulled away just enough to look at you. All those times you’ve stood this close before does not even compare to how it’s like right now. This is the perfect mix of feeling new but familiar.

“You have no idea how many mornings I fought the urge to kiss you whenever we wake up next to each other,” he said in a soft voice.

“Well, nothing’s stopping you know, is there?” you muttered, eyes fluttering to his lips.

You pulled Mark down by the neck as he pulled you closer to him, your lips finally connecting. The idea of kissing him isn’t new to you. There were so many times before that you’ve found yourself inches away from his face and slamming your lips together wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. But this is the first you actually kissed him yet he felt so familiar that you were almost sure you’ve done this a million times before. His lips were soft against yours that it made you weak in the knees. If he weren’t holding onto you like he was, you probably would’ve crumpled already.

The two of you pulled away, breathless.

“Wow,” he breathed. “That didn’t even come close to how I imagined it would feel like.”

You laughed. “This whole night didn’t come close to how I imagined it would be like. I thought you were gonna keep on ignoring me. And honestly, I wouldn’t know how to cope anymore because I really, really miss you already. So thanks for saving me.”

“Stop making me blush. I don’t know how I can possibly love you more than this.”

You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. This was only one of the very few times that the reality went better than your expectations. But then again, maybe you and Mark have always been meant to happen. It was happening even before you realized it was. And now that you finally managed to sort how you both felt, there was no more wasting chances.

“Do I still have to ask you to be my girlfriend?” he asked.

“We’ve literally slept in the same bed so many times. I’d be more surprised if we’re not dating already,” you joked.

Mark grinned. “You’re literally the only one who didn’t realize that until today, but it’s okay, I still love you.”

You laughed. “Wanna go outside and pretend we didn’t make up? I’m 100% sure Jaemin betted on us.”

“I worry how your mind works sometimes, Y/N,” Mark said with a frown before kissing you on the forehead. “But let’s do it.”

You smiled. You’ve said it a lot but you really missed this proximity. You missed being able to hug him whenever you want, and now you can kiss him whenever you want too. You wanted to say you could get used to this, but the thing is… you already are.

[leafs-lover]

Because Two People Got Drunk: 10

Series Masterlist 

A/N:  Italics are your thoughts. I linked some of the outfits, and gifts so you have an idea of what I was thinking in case you’re interested. I don’t

Summary: You give birth to your son and move down to Pittsburgh. You have your first Christmas as a family.

Warnings: Swearing, child birth, fluff, masturbation, Freddie as a dad – not really warning worthy but its super cute J

Word Count: 4035

Chapter 10

November 8, 2021

 A few days later movers came and took everything to Fred’s old place in Toronto. Your lease is up and you planned on staying at his condo, but since you decided to go to Pittsburgh you have to go through your boxes and determine what to bring with you and what to put in storage. Mostly you are sending your clothes and a few boxes of pictures.

He has you look online though for a few items for your son. Just some basic items, change table, bassinet. Fred already has diapers, bottles and a car seat and he says once you are settled you both can go and get whatever else he needs but he just needs some stuff to make do for a few weeks. With you breast feeding he will be starting off in a bassinet in your room, before being moved to his crib when he gets older. You label the boxes with storage and ship labels for the movers.

You have a doctor’s appointment so Fred asked Auston to oversee the movers. You could have gotten one of your friends to come over but Fred insisted on Auston saying he only lived a few floors away so it was easier then someone driving across town through Toronto traffic.

“You sure you’re okay to drive?” you lift an eyebrow at him. “Like how do you fit behind the wheel, you’re already so short so you can’t slide the seat back too far." 

You laugh “yeah it’s a little tight now and uncomfortable. I only drive if I have to.”

“I can drop you off and pick you up. We have time before the movers come.” You think about it for a second before agreeing. “Not having a steering wheel rammed into my stomach sounds nice.”

“So you excited to not be pregnant?” He asks pulling out of the parking garage.

“You have no idea. I’m over it. I’ve loved being pregnant for the most part but now I just want him out. I want to meet him and see if he took Fred’s hair" 

Auston laughs “little red" 

“What?”

“Oh we call Fred big red, so when I found out it was a boy I started calling him little red. I’m really hoping he has red hair.”

You laugh “yeah I hope so too.”

“So when are you going to Pittsburgh?”

“Well I’m hoping this little guy comes soon and then I can fly down with him during the couple days he has off for American Thanksgiving. My due date is the 18th, so I’m just hoping he doesn’t come late. It will be nice to have a couple days to get settled with Fred before hockey starts up again” 

“Yeah, for sure. Fred is really happy you are going to Pittsburgh. I mean he had a 42 shot shutout against us. I would have preferred you tell him after the game so we might have been able to get one or 2 by him, but when he told me after the game he couldn’t stop smiling.” 

“Yeah, part of being a parent is always putting them first and doing what’s best for them. Being around his dad all the time is best. They both need it, and I can take 18 months off so it gives them a lot of time together.”

“Right” he gives you a sideways glance as he pulls up to the clinic “call when you’re done.” 

 Nov 11, 2021 6:00 P.M

You sit on the couch Facetiming with Fred.  

“So I got this bottle warming thing a mom on the team told me about, and a diaper genie. I didn’t know what pump you wanted though, there wasn’t one on the list and I had no idea what to look for. So many brands and features, I felt really out of place at the store.”

“Yeah my friends bought me one and some outfits. Instead of a baby shower we had brunch a few weekends ago.” 

“Okay, do you think we will need anything else right now?” 

“I don’t think so, we have all the” you stop mid-sentence as pain radiates your stomach “aaaah" you take some deep breaths. “(Y/N) you okay?”  

A few seconds later the pain leaves “That was weird. Anyways I was saying that we can get anything else lat -" 

“You just going to pretend that didn’t happen? That might have been a contraction.” 

“Well if it was I need more than one to go to the hospital. Have to time them and if they are around 8 minutes apart I think that’s when I go. He stays on the phone and 16 minutes later you have another one. He keeps timing them and you hear him typing something on his laptop when there is a knock. 

You waddle to the door and see Auston “Fred text said to come and you’d need a ride to the hospital soon.”

“I’m at 14 minutes. I need to be at 8 so still lots of time.” You respond before Fred chimes in “I got to go I’ll talk to you later. But Auston don’t listen to her. She has a bag packed by the door take her to the hospital now.”  

“Fred I’m –“  

“No, go to the hospital. These things can take hours but they can also speed up quickly. I’d rather Auston not deliver my baby in my living room because this sped up and you ran out of time to get to the hospital.”

“Yeah I also am in favour of that not happening.” He grabs your phone hanging up from Fred. He helps you put your coat and boots on, grabbing your hospital bag. “Let’s get that baby out of you" 

He drives you, and comes in with you.  As you get admitted he briefly wanders away to take a phone call before joining you to the room. He sits on the chair beside you and pulls his phone out.

“You don’t have to stay; it’s not your baby" 

“I’m not leaving you alone, besides I promised Fred." 

Is he going to stay during the delivery? Like he has to leave sometime soon right?

 November 12, 2021 - 12:30 am

The anesthesiologist enters the room. “So you are about 8 min apart, how are you feeling?”

“Sore everything is sore. My uterus feels like there is bowling balls being thrown against it all the time. I’m hungry but am only allowed to eat ice chips, which if were being honest isn’t food. So I’m doing great.”

“Well I can’t help with the hunger but I can the pain. Sorry it took so long to get here, but would you like an epidural?”

After you agree Auston steps out of the room briefly. He returns when the doctor leaves.

“Didn’t want to give all natural a shot, I’ve heard it’s not that bad” he states almost laughing. You know he is joking, but you’re not really in the mood. You’re honestly slightly agitated he is still there, would rather be alone then with someone you barely know. “I’m sorry do you have a uterus?”

“No”

“Then maybe keep your opinion on my birth plan to yourself.” You hear a familiar laugh on the other side of the room.

“It’s a good thing I asked you to come, get all the stupid comments out of the way now. So when you have kids one day you won’t piss of your wife” Fred laughs walking into the room.

“What are you -?”

“You honestly didn’t think I would miss this did you? Would have been here sooner but flight was delayed” he interjects kissing your forehead. “Be right back” him and Auston head into the hallway. He returns a few minutes later alone. “How are you doing?” he asks sitting in the seat Auston had been using.

“I’m alright, it’s been like 6 hours and I’m sore, hungry and tired. I’m not allowed to eat so I have to stay hungry, but I could really use a nap but I just can’t get comfortable enough to sleep.” Fred gets up and slides in behind you gently and puts his hand on your leg as you lean back “this might help” you mumble. His hand leaves your leg and starts stroking your hair from your face. “You sure, if I’m in your way or if you get uncomfortable I can move.” As he finishes you nod off.

2:30 A.M.

You are woken by Fred gently shaking you, as he whispers your name. “(Y/N) they are here to do an exam, see how you are doing.” He eases back into the chair as you shift.

“Well you are about 6cm” the nurse says as she leaves the room.

“6, how am I only six centimetres? I need this baby outtt!” you scream.

Fred laughs grabbing your hand. He brings it to his lips giving it a light kiss. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah you should be, you did this to me with your sperm. I’m here in this pain because you got me pregnant.” Another contraction courses through you. He snickers again “If I could take this pain away for you I would in a heartbeat.”

“You couldn’t handle this.”

This causes him to burst out laughing “probably right, want some ice chips?” You nod and he leaves the room.

1:00 P.M.

“Well it looks like it’s just about time to start pushing” the doctor says after completing the exam. “Ready to become parents?” he leaves the room for a few minutes. Fred looks over to you “this is it (Y/N/N).”

“Nope! This isn’t it.” He gives you a confused look “I’m not ready. He is just going to have to stay put a little bit longer. I don’t’ think I can do this, push a human out of me, and become a mom -“

The doctor and birthing crew have returned and wait by the door. “(Y/N/N) come on, you can do this I have no doubt. You have grown this human inside you for 9 months. You have been incredible during all this and have gone through so much and there is just a little bit more and you are a mom. And you’ll be a damn good one too. I have no doubt that you can do this” You just stare at him “okay, let’s do this.”

4:00 PM

You are lying in the bed, eyes fixed on the beautiful baby boy in your arms. Fred is sitting on the bed beside you his arm around you. “He’s perfect” Fred whispers touching his tiny hand. “Yeah he is” you reply rocking the baby.

A nurse comes over to you “do we have a name for Mr. handsome?”

“Uh no” Fred replies “We never found one we liked, thought once he was born something would stick” “That’s okay we’ll just write baby (Y/L/N) for now” the nurse replies as she turns to leave.

“No,” you say “baby Andersen.” Fred’s arm around you tightens as the nurse leaves. He looks into your eyes with tears forming in his.

“You don’t have to do that (Y/N)”

“Is this baby an Andersen?” You question and Fred nods “then his last name will be Andersen.”

Fred kisses your head “now we just need a first name, although I did like Mr. Handsome.”

This causes you to laugh slightly “I need a nap, than we can pick a name.”

Nov 13, 2021

You got back from the hospital not too long ago, Fred has to leave the following morning, it’s been a whirlwind, but you are happy to be home. Fred has Mitch, Steph and Auston stopping by briefly to meet the baby. He tried to cancel to allow you time to rest but you wouldn’t have it, saying this is likely the only time they could see him until Toronto plays in Pittsburgh.

“Oh my goodness he is just perfect” Steph exclaims as she holds him. Mitch leans over and grabs his baby finger and smiles before looking up at you “crazy how this happened because you two got drunk.” Everyone laughs as Steph elbows him in the rib.

“Mitchell!” She yells “what’s his name?”

“Oliver Charles Andersen” Fred says.

December 10, 2021

You have been living at Fred’s for about 2 weeks, the move to Pittsburgh went smoothly. He chartered a small plane for the two of you. After the thanksgiving break Fred had mostly home games, which made the transition pretty smooth.

Oliver has been waking up a couple times in the night, and around 6am in the mornings with you. You have been trying to pump so Freddie can help with the feedings when available but your body is taking longer to produce enough milk, so most feedings have been you. He still wakes up throughout the night and sits with you when he hears Oliver, even on game nights. Oliver has been sleeping in his bassinet beside your bed to make things easier, you try to keep him quiet when he cries during the night but Freddie always hears him and sits with you.

This morning you wake at 9:30, very alarming. You look into the bassinet and it’s empty. You jump up and head to the living room and see a shirtless Fred sitting on the couch with baby Oliver sleeping on his chiseled chest. Fred smiles as you walk in “there is coffee if you want some.”

“Thanks. When did you get him?”

“Around 7 he started fussing, so I went in and got him. You had a little bit of milk in the fridge I gave him.”

“Thanks, I needed those couple hours. When do you have to leave for practice?”

“You don’t have to thank me for doing what any dad should do. And I have the day off.” He pauses for a minute “so it’s getting close to Christmas, I was wondering if you were planning on going back to Toronto for the break?”

“No I don’t think so. I don’t have any siblings and my parents aren’t around. My grandparents are in Europe but have a cruise leaving the 28th so it’s not worth visiting now.” You also didn’t want Ollie to not have both his parents around, not that he would remember but it was his first Christmas. “You have any plans? Family coming down?”

“Nope, I haven’t talked to them much since the summer.”

“Fred I know it’s not my place, but you should talk to them. It’s not a big deal what your dad said to me, honestly I wasn’t that upset about it. But you should think about talking to them, you never know what will happen.

“This isn’t really over what he said to you, some stuff happened after you left Denmark.” He quickly changes the subject “so it looks like it will be just the 3 of us.” You nod staring at his bare chest, your mouth watering “Want to do anything special for his first Christmas?”

“We need a Christmas tree” you exclaim “Like a really big one, 9 feet or something!”

“I have a fake one I normally put up” he says looking at your face as you scrunch your nose “but that clearly won’t do.”

“My parents and I used to go out every year and cut down a tree and then spend the afternoon decorating it and the rest of the house. It was like Santa’s village. Then my parents died and I went to live with my dad’s parents, since my mom’s died a few years before that. My dad was Jewish, and his parents hated that we celebrated Christmas even though my mom was Christian. So I haven’t celebrated Christmas in a while but I always thought when I had a family I’d resume…” you trail off starting to realize this isn’t a family, and that you shouldn’t really create these traditions since some years you may not see your son on Christmas.

Fred stands up, grabbing your hand “Go get ready and we’ll go get a tree.”

It took a bit too get to get everything ready and packed, underestimated packing up a new baby. You wear a pair of knee high black boots with your jeans tucked in “surprised these fit” you whisper as you head to your closet and pull out a white cashmere sweater and tuck the front into your pants before pairing it with a long beige coat and a white toque. You finally head out to the farm, Oliver sleeping in the car seat.

When you arrive at the farm Fred removes Oliver’s car seat and attaches it to a sled before covering him in a couple blankets. You begin walking around the farm looking for the perfect tree. When you finally find it, Fred just stops walking and stares at you. “This is it” you whisper.

“You know” Fred starts “this is Ollie’s first time out” looking down at you. He pulls his phone out and you all take a selfie in front of the tree you picked, big smiles on your faces as Oliver is fast asleep.

You later arrive back home, exhausted. “I didn’t realize taking a baby out was so tiring.” You yawn as Oliver begins to fuss, as you groan reaching into the car seat to unbuckle him. “I can get him” Fred offers, “you don’t have boobs” you respond causing him to laugh.

He follows you to your bed getting you a nursing blanket and your nursing pillow. You sit resting against the head board as Fred sits beside you, you begin feeding Oliver as you doze off. You wake up a little bit later with Oliver in his bassinet and you lying with your head on Fred’s chest, his arm around you resting on your waist. You feel Freddie begin to stir as you look up to his eyes “hey” you whisper. His arm tightens around your waist “hey” he says pulling you closer he kisses your head.

December 25, 2021

It’s Christmas morning, you wake up at 6:00 with Oliver, Fred is still asleep as you make some coffee. You feed Oliver, and change him into his Christmas outfit, a white onesie that says “my first Christmas” with a matching plaid set of pants and hat that have little Christmas trees and reindeers on them. You look to the clock, as your sons big brown eyes look up at you, Fred’s brown eyes “want to go see daddy?” you ask him he smiles. You head to the kitchen making two coffees before you head to Fred’s room.

You slowly open the door and see Fred lying on his back with no shirt, his duvet resting near his waist. His shirt has risen up slightly and you can see a small part of his abs. You set the coffees on his side table as Fred’s eyes flutter open “Merry Christmas” you say, as he shifts to sit up in bed. His eyes are still somewhat heavy, his red hair is a mess from sleeping. You pass Oliver to him as Fred leans down to kiss his sons head “Merry Christmas big buy” he says giving him an Eskimo kiss. The cute exchange practically makes your ovaries explode.

Fred shifts to look at you “Merry Christmas (Y/N)” as he reaches for his coffee. “Merry Christmas Fred” you respond sitting down on the bed beside him sipping your coffee.

Oliver reaches and grabs his toes bringing them to his mouth. Fred chuckles “you got your toes?”

“Flexible like your dad” you quip.

He giggles “I’m not that flexible (Y/N/N)” he responds tickling his sons toes.

You’ve seen Fred be a dad the past 6 weeks. He is a great dad, but for some reason seeing him today interacting with your son has you feeling something different. You have this feeling to put your head on his shoulder and snuggle into him and sit as a family as you both coo over your son. Seeing him in these interactions with Oliver make you weak in the knees.

“I’m going to shower” you say with a smile on your face. You have a long cold shower trying to cool yourself off which didn’t help so you wander to your night stand and grab your familiar toy. You haven’t used it in a while, not since before you were 20 months along, after that Fred took over and helped you during the pregnancy. You were cleared for sexual interaction by your doctor a few days prior.

You lie down on your bed in your robe as you spread your legs and turn your toy on low. You graze it around lightly stroking your clit as you moan softly. You gently push it in, throwing your head back. You begin slowly moving it in and out, not wanting to try too much too soon. Not knowing how your body would respond.

You continue to gently pull it out and push it back in a moan escapes your lips. You bite down on your bottom lip trying to be quiet as you don’t want Fred to hear you. You continue the pace, gradually increasing the speed  of the vibrator as your body allows it. Whimpers continue to leave your lips as you bring your left hand up biting on your forearm as you feel your orgasm approaching. You increase the speed as your legs tighten around you and you spasm coming undone, a moan leaves your lips.

A few seconds later you hear the sound of your son outside your door followed by a “shhh” and then footprints head down the hall. Fuck I think he heard you think to yourself.

You quickly throw on some leggings and an oversized sweater and your Christmas hat. You find Fred in the kitchen holding Oliver as he feeds him a bottle. You walk by Fred kissing Oliver’s head on your way to get another coffee.

“I uh didn’t know when you’d be out of the shower” he pauses “I made breakfast. I didn’t want it to get cold so I put the lid on the pans.”

“Great” you say grabbing two plates and dishing out food as you eat in silence.

You expect the day to be slightly awkward but Fred manages to make it easy so you start thinking maybe he didn’t hear. You agreed to keep it simple for Christmas. Oliver is 6 weeks old and doesn’t know much about what is going on around him. Fred hands you a thin rectangular box wrapped with a little bow, the tag reads love Oliver. “Fred you weren’t supposed to” you say softly.

“I didn’t, Oliver did.” You chuckle lightly removing the paper. You open the box to find a beautiful necklace with a sapphire stone, set inside tiny diamonds with Oliver’s birth date engraved on the back “It’s beautiful, thank you” you say as Fred removes it from the box and places it around your neck doing the clasp.

You hand Fred a small box and he smirks at you “It’s from Oliver” you respond. He chuckles before removing the paper. He opens the box to reveal a leather woven bracelet. It has two charms woven into it, one with a footprint and the other has his birth date. A smile crosses his face “thanks Oliver its perfect” he says tickling your son’s foot before he puts it on his wrist.

During the afternoon you and Fred make Christmas ornaments with Oliver’s hand and footprints and make dinner. Since it was only the two of you opted to make a chicken instead of a turkey as they are smaller, but still was a nice family dinner with some wine Fred picked out.

You’re Outfit for the Tree Farm:

Fred’s Gift to You:

Your gift to Fred:

Oliver’s Christmas Outfit:

Next Chapter

[hwhelldayum-blog-blog]

I Figured It Out (A Gummi Phone Rant)

So I loved Kingdom Hearts 3. It answered a lot of questions I had, reunited the sea salt and the Wayfinder trios, and validated why I spent so much time on my phone playing a mobile game people kept telling me to quit because it would never be part of the whole story. However, something about the story left me unsatisfied. I’ll probably do a post about my feelings on the game as a whole, but there is one specific thing I want to discuss (three guesses based on the title.)

Yes I am talking about the Gummi Phone. Spoiler/not really spoiler Chip and Dale send Sora the Gummi Phone so he can keep in contact with them and Ienzo because plot purposes. Also installed on the phone is Jimimy’s journal, a secret emblem count, treasure count, play games, take selfies and a few other things. But plot-wise this phone is used to contact Mickey/Riku, Chip/Dale and Ienzo throughout cutscenes. 

Now being a girl who picks up her phone in the morning before she picks up her glasses I can happily tell you that one of the best features of the phone is the ability to communicate to others knowing that the message would get to the recipient when they had time to read it. Thus time constraints are a second thought when you can text something you just thought of or even life events you cannot wait to share with others. It is why instagram, snapchat, youtube, facebook and tumblr are so prevalent in modern day life.  

Speaking of which during the game all of the transitions from place to place have a psuedo-instagram posts. They feature the worlds Sora goes to, Ienzo and Riku being deep, and Mickey trying to humanize his uber-strict teacher. I mention this because when they first showed up I got so excited, but then they just cycled through the same fifteen posts and I was disappointed. I bring up these posts because I feel thy could have helped with communication in another way. 

One of my biggest gripes with this still fantastic game is the lack of communication between the main #1 trio of the entire series: The Destiny Trio. When the trailers came out I was so excited to see Sora, Riku, and Kairi rekindle their friendship after being stuck doing things high school students should not have to. Instead they isolate all three from each other and then try to crunch their communication to 2 at a time per character for about an hour and a half of cutscene time. And this is for a game that has about 12 hours worth of cutscenes. Now I believe they could have done an easier way to make sure these cinnamon rolls could have been in constant communication throughout the whole game and it all starts with this gosh darned gummi phone. 

Now lets say that there was another button to select on the gummi phone menu. Lets call it... Snapstagram. After some important cutscenes or after completing worlds, you can log into Snapstagram and BAM! Look who is posting. It’s Kairi sending a selfie with Lea about her training and Riku being #plaidbrothers with King MIckey. Finished with Corona? Well guess what? Kairi successfully beat up Lea in a sparring match. Meanwhile Riku revisted radiant garden and reunited with Leon and Cloud for a selfie. But most importantly you have the option of commenting one thing for each post by your two besties. Not only is this a way to keep these three paopu-fruitnuts in constant contact but also lets the players follow Riku and Kairi on their progress with their missions. 

Now I know what you are thinking: But wouldn’t that be a lot of programming for the Kingdom hearts team? First off, they had 13 years to work out the details of this game. Secondly THEY HAD 13 YEARS TO WORK OUT THE DETAILS OF THIS GAME. But most importantly they have done something similar to this concept in an earlier game. FFXV. 

Check it. Spoiler/You’ve had plenty of time to play this game not spoiler: Noctis and Luna are arranged to marry but since they live in rival areas their only means of communication has been this journal sent back and forth by Luna’s magical dog Umbra. Every time Luna sent Noctis a letter about how she is excited to be reunited with him, Noctis has the option to give one reply to her. Now in FFXV, so far we have only seen Luna and Noctis communicate when they were children in flashbacks, the heartbreaking death scene, and the fully completed are they in heaven post credits scene. If the player has not watched Kingsglaive of FFXV Brotherhood, they do not see Luna for more than 30 minutes of the entire game. But this constant communication between the two lovers give those players enough information to get “Yeah they are a long distance relationship and I should care about the girl my character feels this strongly about. 

A common trend I see in the Kingdom hearts thread is the lack of communication with Kairi in particular with Sora and then Nomura kind of hoping the players assume they don’t need communication, but that is my problem. The main theme of the whole kingdom hearts games since number one is that Sora’s friends are his power. I realize that quite a few people believe this means his friendship with Donald and Goofy (And don’t get me wrong if anything happened to either of my disney brothers I would kill all 13 darknesses, 7 lights and then myself in an instant) but the journey started because Sora was separated from both Riku and Kairi. 

Now people believe that Riku has so much communication with Sora but I need to remind you that Riku popped up in brief moments of Sora’s life in KH1 while Kairi was a litteral resident in Sora’s heart most of the game. COM Riku’s route only happened after Sora went beddy-bye. No Kairi communication but no real Riku connection either. KH2 Riku and Kairi slipped between Sora’s fingers most of the game until Endgame. So equal communication. DDD No Kairi but Riku also didn’t truly communicate with Sora except for before and after the Mark of Mastery exam. But he was Sora’s dream eater so it makes up for the time Kairi was literally in sora’s heart.  So Lack of Communication is pretty equal between all three hot messes. 

Now if they were able to have something to keep in touch to make sure the other two were safe that would satisfy the small part of me that turned sour when the other two trios were reunited and the main group got the shaft. The Wayfinder Trio during BBS had constant scenes between them and constantly verbally worried about each other the whole game. The sea salt trio had mostly scenes between duos but they were spread evenly during their game so each character had their own grievances about their breakup. Sora, Kairi, and Riku got the opposite. Equal amount of time in the past games, but this game when it was supposed to be the ultimate reunion story they had nothing until endgame.

With Snapstagram, not only does it give us background on mission progression for the non-player friends, it tells the players who did not play 1 or 2 enough information to go “These are my best friends I would die for them”. When I came to this conclusion a few hours ago I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I love KH3 and I kept wondering why I was so unsatisfied. If they game had utilized the gummi phone to be more like a regular phone, I think it would have been an easy was to solve some of the story issues that players had with the game. 

[eirianerisdar]

Med School happenings

Or: Since I’m graduating med school, here’s a long and rambling list of Things that were faintly amusing, relatable, and/or weird that happened in medical school. By the way to avoid confusion I’m not from the US so med school for me is six years total from university entry, no split pre-med/med.

1. The junior doctor who was assigned to teach us young’uns something interesting but just came off a 24-hour shift and has 12 more hours to go until he can go home so he just starts deliriously spouting information while rounding the ward like a cryptid in blue scrubs

2. There was a dude I saw in general surgery clinic two years ago whose guts had all fallen out of his abdomen and down into his...um...yeah and the two female doctors, me, and this one guy student I was paired with just stared at him. Apparently the patient could poop okay and it had been like that for 20 years. He was scheduled for a CT and a very complicated repair.

3. Have you tried going to the bathroom wearing a white coat if you’re a girl? It’s impossible. You start plotting out bathroom breaks to match up with places you can safely put your white coat.

4. If you’re a girl, no matter how obvious your white coat is, people will still call you nurse. Ok this one isn’t as funny, but sometimes when doctors call you “young doctors” and people still think you’re nurses, you tell them you aren’t a nurse and they suddenly think you’re an experienced doctor there is no in between. You’re a nurse. Or you’re an experienced doctor. Female medical students don’t exist, apparently.

5. “No ma’am, I can’t stand by your friend’s bed in the A&E for 4 hours while you go home and nap. She’s well-taken after. Go home and sleep.”

6. “Ma’am - Don’t go that way, that’s the back of the nurse station, if you want to speak to me tell me here. (listens) ...Ma’am, I can’t force your grown-up son to check himself into the hospital if he doesn’t want to.”

7. “Sir, I can’t undo your physical restraints if your doctor says no.”

8. Taking a psychiatric history in a room with a small window in the male psychiatric ward and looking up to find a patient with a bandaged head staring at you through the window, unblinkingly.

9. ...Ignore him and continue speaking to the patient you’re supposed to.

10. Actually psychiatry rotation last year was wild we went to an older psychiatric hospital and in the male ward me and another girl were given a hand alarm that you activated by pulling out a pin like a hand grenade, personally walked to an interview room by an experienced male nurse, a younger and fitter male nurse was stationed right outside to intervene if anything happened with the patient (and nothing did) and afterwards we were escorted back out of the ward with those two nurses as personal guards but when we asked the guy med students in our group what happened when they went to interview patients they said they were dumped in a room with the patient, left alone, and told to yell when they were done.

11. A day of lectures is scheduled from 8:30 in the morning to 6:30 at night, with an hour at 12 for lunch. The lecturers overrun to 12:45. Run to the hospital canteen and order one of the only two items on the menu (that you’ve memorized by heart now) you know you can collect immediately. Inhale in five minutes. Go back to the lecture hall.

12. The lecturer who turned a 45-minute lecture into a 4-hour one (literally)

13. Senior cardiologist: “You hear that murmur? It’s a very obvious murmur.” Whole group: “Yeah...?” (No...)

15. Professor: “Y’all see these diplomas? These diplomas are greeeat. Get a couple of ‘em and you could open a clinic and everybody somehow thinks they’re all specialist licenses.”

16. Final year opening lecture, professor: “You’re final year now, you should know basically everything by now, so don’t worry.” Us: *crazed laughter* (You suuuure, prof?)

17. So desensitised to blood that you can watch Saw as a dissection group while barbecuing raw beef for dinner (ah, the old preclinical days)

18. A marathon afternoon specialised clinic session with sixty cases in 150 minutes, including scrambling to organise an emergency operation for an outpatient. “I want to die,” the junior doctor says without any tone in her voice as she finishes up the last case before going to OCT. “Don’t die,” the room nurse says. “Dr __ was so nice to take some of the cases off our hands.” If it wasn’t for that other doctor, we would have had seventy cases in this single room.

19. There was a grouchy patient in one of the final exam circuits who was extremely sensitive (with no reason, being an outpatient called back without any cause for pain) and he yelled in “agony” if anyone so much as touched the skin of his abdomen and so all the students who got him as an exam station started guessing physical signs because they couldn’t feel anything without him screaming, which is an insta-fail for hurting the patient

20. But when most of us passed anyway our entire dorm at the hospital started screaming and slamming doors all across the four floors

21. It rained today at our graduation photos, but then the professors all got up from their seats at the front of the steps we were standing on, grabbed 30-40 or so carbonated “wine” bottles, uncorked them, and sprayed us all, caps and gowns and all. We were going to run but then we were flanked by a couple of guys who had grabbed extra bottles

22. Our entire cohort’s last collective act together was to make a run for it, chased by streams of white and red grape juice and the gleeful faces of our professors and a few of our male classmates

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Chapter 35 Chapter 36 Chapter 37 Chapter 38 Chapter 39 Chapter 40 Chapter 41

AO3

Thank you @theministerskat, for keep betaing this story that goes on forever!❤️ Also, thanks to the @faeriesfanficemporium and @futurelounging for the high school graduation information!

This chapter is for @muykonos, who loves Jenny and Ian dearly, with the best wishes for her new beginning! Love you Muy!

Chapter 42. Puffins

The last time we called ourselves high school students was on a sunny summer day. We found ourselves listening to a long winded speech from our headteacher, one that would make every person in the room extremely anxious about the future - if we had actually been listening to him. I could still hear his voice buzzing in my ears when Jamie found me, took me in his arms and spun me around for so long that I wasn’t sure if he was happy because we had just graduated, or because this would be the last time we had to sit through a speech from Mr. Gowan. We loved him, but he had that bad habit of never stopping once he started speaking.

After graduation, the days felt different. They were continuous, shapeless, careless. Time didn’t matter. No alarm clocks, no hurried breakfasts, no studying schedules.

No school.

Joe and Gail left for a trip to the US, a present from their parents, to celebrate their successful exam results. Rupert and Angus had gone back to the Highlands, and Jenny and Ian would soon leave for Lallybroch. Edinburgh seemed empty already.

Jamie spent more and more time training. He had a few weeks to prepare for the Scottish National Championship, and there were whole days when I would only see him briefly before or after his time at the pool. Neither of us complained; the championship was a priority for both of us. But I missed him. And I knew that I would miss him even more when he would leave for Lallybroch.

My favorite days were Mondays. More specifically, Monday afternoons. These were the days when Jamie finished his training early and we would meet Jenny and Ian at Murtagh’s apartment for coffee and board games. Two teams, always the same players. And I was proud to say that Jenny and I were on a winning streak.

We had just finished another successful round of Pictionary, when Ian walked to the center of the room and carefully unfolded an old piece of paper. His smile was shy at the beginning, but it became more and more cheeky as he read.

My eyebrows shot up to my hairline and barely I stopped myself from barking out a laugh when I realized what he was reading.

Jenny Fraser’s, or more correctly, Janet Flora Arabella Fraser’s letter to Santa.  

Dear Santa,

My name is Janet Flora Arabella Fraser, but everyone calls me Jenny. You can call me that too. I live at Lallybroch, together with my mam, my da, and my wee brother. I canna write yet, so my mam is writing this for me, but I promise I will know all my letters when I go to school at Beauly, and I will write to you myself next year.

I have been very good this year and am nice to everyone. I even play with Jamie when he brings his silly swords into my room, and I pretend to lose and die, even though I could beat him every time. The one time I won, he got angry and as red as a tomato. Anyway, I also help my mom cook. And I feed Bran every day. And I clean my room. (Jamie doesn’t, but bring him a gift anyway, okay?)

I am writing to you, because I want a puffin and da said I can’t have one. We have birds here at Lallybroch, but I haven’t seen a puffin yet. I will love it and take care of it, I promise.

Please, it’s all I truly want for Christmas!

Love,

Jenny

PS I know the Santa we saw at Beauly with my mom wasn’t real, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want the wee bairn in his lap to cry.

PSS My mom doesn’t know what puffins eat. Can you bring me some of their food too?

Ian had to stop more than once while reading, almost choking with laughter. I brushed tears from my eyes, feeling Jamie’s silent amusement shaking my body. Jenny was hiding her face in her hands, her struggle to catch her breath audible in the room.

“How dare you,” she finally said, her own face as red as a tomato now. “How dare you, Ian Murray?” she repeated, and started laughing again.

Ian shrugged, then smiled at her. “I dinna remember seeing a puffin at Lallybroch,” he said quietly, as if he hadn’t even heard her question. “Did ye ever get your puffin, Jenny?”

Jamie spoke before his sister could. “Nah, she didna, Ian,” he said, the smile audible in his voice. “Not that year, or the years after that. She kept asking for one, though.”

“Aye, that was what I remember too,” Ian replied, nodding, his face serious.

“What is this all about?” Jenny asked with a raised eyebrow, crossing her arms across her chest.

I was wondering exactly the same thing.

“It’s about puffins, Jen,” Ian said softly. “I think it’s about time ye see one.”

“You got me a puffin?” Jenny asked, incredulous.

“Puffins live free, Jenny,” Jamie rolled his eyes. “I think mam and da told ye that a million times.”

“So what is this…” Jenny’s words faded as Ian walked to her and kneeled on the floor in front of her.

“Tis a gift,” he said, and presented her with an envelope. “For ye. To thank ye, for all that ye are to me.”

I was sure the tears that shone in Jenny’s eyes had nothing to do with the ones brought up by her boisterous laughter only moments ago. She swallowed hard and took the envelope from Ian’s hands. “What did you do?” she asked, in a accusing way that came out even funnier in her cracked voice.

I turned in Jamie’s arms and looked at him, the question obvious on my face. His satisfied, wide smile confirmed my suspicion that he knew exactly what was going on. He lowered his head and kissed me, his lips hot against mine, before urging me to look back towards his sister. I turned to look at Jenny, feeling a shiver run through my body when Jamie’s lips found the nape of my neck. I shimmied to make him stop, and watched Jenny, her attention focused on the paper she had pulled from the envelope.

“Five days?” she asked, at last. “Five days just the two of us?”

“Aye,” Ian whispered, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. “To see the puffins.”

Jenny sprang from the couch straight into his lap, squeezing him so tight that I was sure if it would last a moment longer he would suffocate. Ian’s face, however, was the definition of happiness, and his smile, the sweetest I had ever seen.

I felt Jamie wrap his arms tighter around my body, pulling me closer to him.

“Any unfulfilled requests from Santa, Sassenach?” he whispered in my ear.

I took a moment, thinking, unable to remember any. “I don’t know,” I said. “A mummy, maybe? Given the fact that I was in Egypt…”

“Christ, Claire,” he chuckled. “I’m not buying ye a mummy.”

I laughed, shaking my head. “Friends,” I said a moment later, and the truth in my words stuck thick in my throat like a piece of stale bread, grazing the tissue, blocking my breath. I swallowed with difficulty, pushing back memories of a lonely childhood, Jamie’s arms around me suddenly feeling overwhelming. “I was always asking for friends.”

“I’ll be yer friend, Sassenach,” Jamie whispered, his voice sweet and honest, and he nuzzled my neck. “Always.”

I swallowed back tears and let my body sink into his warmth, hoping that his heartbeat against my back was telling the truth.

Always.

I looked at Jenny, who was beaming, and gave her a broad smile. I was happy for her and for Ian, who was looking at her like she hung the moon. But it was more than that. I was happy that I was there to share that moment with them, for finally feeling that sense of belonging I had always longed for.

“We’re going to the Orkney!” she announced, excited. “I’m going to see the puffins!”

And like that, she was a little girl again, getting the gift she had always dreamed of.

“What are the puffins, exactly?” I asked, not knowing that I would sorely regret my question ten minutes later, when Jenny was still talking about the clumsy, comical birds who were expert divers and underwater fliers, laid one precious egg every year and left Scotland for the north Atlantic and North Sea outside the breeding season.

“Ye’re going to pay for that, Sassenach,” Jamie murmured in my ear, his fingers drawing patterns on my side.

“Am I not paying for it already?” I asked, making him laugh.

“Aye, but what about my suffering?”

I grimaced and mouthed a sorry. As Jenny went on talking about the puffins, Jamie leaned closer to me, whispering in my ear in his proud brother’s voice, “Jenny wants to see the birds to draw them, ken? She loves their colours.”

Of course. Jenny wanted to go to art school and nothing else would be more inspiring than the wild landscape of Orkney and the wildlife, full of birds, seals, and whales.

It would be beautiful.

--

That night Jamie was remarkably silent as he walked me home.

“What’s the matter?” I finally asked, and he turned to look at me surprised, as if he had forgotten I was even there. He didn’t reply. “Won’t you tell me?” I insisted, but the initial surprise has well-hidden now, his features calm, unfazed, his mask covering thoughts and problems.

“What?” He pretended that he hadn’t understood and gave me a small smile.

It wasn’t enough.

“Jamie.” I stopped and pulled him back to me. “You may not have my glass face, but I can see right through you.”

“It’s nothing,” he said with a frown and a shrug. When he saw me rolling my eyes, he pressed his lips tight, took a deep breath through his nose, and repeated. “Tis nothing, really.”

“You’re too silent. This isn’t nothing.” I cupped his face with my hand, his blue eyes melting as they met mine.

“I love ye, Claire,” he whispered, pressing his lips lightly against my forehead.

“I know, I love you too.” I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. He turned around, instead, and started walking again.

Stubborn Scot.

I sighed a few times along the way, trying to show him that our conversation wasn’t over and I was far from being convinced he was okay. He kept ignoring me and I sighed a few more times – not that it made any difference. Finally, a few blocks from home I stopped walking, this time without any attempt to pull him back to me.

“Are ye alright, Sassenach?” he asked, surprised once again.

“You tell me.”

“I tell…” The realization hit him before he finished his question. “I told ye! Tis fine!” he exclaimed, his hand messing with his hair.

I looked at him for a long moment, my jaw set, my arms crossed across my chest. Waiting. He didn’t speak. I bit my lip hard, nodding, and started walking again. When I brushed by him, I wished him a goodnight and continued towards my place.

“Where are ye going?” His voice came distraught, but I neither stopped nor answered his question. “Claire!”

“Home,” I said sharply, feeling my heart clench inside my chest.

I thought we could tell each other everything.

“Sassenach!” He was next to me within two wide strides, his hand gripping my arm. “What the hell! Why are ye doing this?”

“I’m not doing anything, Jamie.” I wished the words were as painful to him as they were to me, burning my chest. “I can walk home alone. Since we’re not talking anyway.”

Jamie narrowed his eyes at me and let out a short breath through his nose. “Okay,” he said, nodding repeatedly. “Okay.”

“Okay, then. Goodnight.” I started walking again, but his hand stopped me and pulled me back to him.

“Ah Dhia… Ye’re not going to make it easy, right?”

“I? I’m the one who’s making things difficult? You’re obviously not okay and you won’t even talk to me! You won’t even admit that you’re not okay! You’re lying to my face!”

“I’m not lying to yer face!”

“Oh, really?” I asked, my voice sarcastic.

We stood there, breathing fast, our eyes locked in a game of power. I saw his mask slowly melting away, leaving behind only Jamie, my Jamie, as he had always been with me. My Scot.

“Jamie,” I started again, now letting my worry seep in my voice. “What good can I do, when you don’t even trust me with your problems? When you won’t even talk to me?”

He kept silent, and I could hear every beat of my heart crying out to his. Pleading to let me in.

“I’m sorry,” he said, taking his eyes from mine and fixing them on the street. “I’m sorry, Sassenach, I didna mean for ye to think I’m lying to ye. Or that I dinna want to talk to ye. It’s just that...” he stopped, and took a breath as if he had to fortify himself.

“What?” I asked, holding my breath, suddenly afraid of what was to come.

“See… I’m not enough.”

I stood shock-still, trying to process what I had just heard. I hadn’t known what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t this.

“Hey,” I whispered, grabbing a fistful of his tee-shirt, and took the last step that kept as apart. “What are you talking about?”

“Did ye no see how happy Jenny was tonight? What Ian did for her… I’ve done nothing for you.”

“Oh god, Jamie…” I ran my fingers across his jawline, his cheekbones, through his hair, feeling my heart melting. “You’ve done so many things for me. I don’t need a trip or a gift to be happy.” Jamie didn’t talk, and I continued, hoping that my words would ring true in his heart. “I’m happy because I’m with you, because you’re in my life.”  

“Aye, but I’m not in yer life that much lately,” he said, and I stupidly thought that his lowered eyebrows made him even more adorable than he already was.

“But that’s just a phase,” I said, my voice strong, sure. “It’s not going to be like that forever.”

Jamie looked at me and a small smile curled his lips. “No, it’s not,” he said, but the smile disappeared again. “But d’ye remember, Sassenach, when we started texting? I had promised you we would go everywhere, and now school has finished and we canna even go on a wee trip in Scotland.”

I smiled, thinking of our very first chat, the night he walked me home. We would travel the world, we had said. Starting from Paris.

“Jamie, we have time,” I said, and meant it. “We will travel, we don’t have to do it right now.”

“Aye, but I didna plan anything for us… Ian has been organizing this trip for so long, and I… With school and training…” He kept trailing off.

I raised onto my tiptoes, pulled him down to me and kissed him, our lips meeting in a soft whisper that soon became a long dance. Unhurried.

“We have time,” I repeated, my whisper brushing against his mouth. “We’re together, and that’s what counts. I’m perfectly happy with staying in Edinburgh. It’s the same to me.” I ran my fingers through his locks, and rested my forehead against his.

“Is it, though?” he asked, and I could almost taste the worry in his words.

“It is, you bloody Scot. It’s our first summer together, but we’re going to have a lot more after that. Right?” I asked, and felt my heart racing in my chest.

This can’t be our last summer together.

“Right,” he breathed and kissed me. “More and more and more…” Each promise coming with another kiss, sealing it.

“Good,” I said, and softly kissed the tip of his long, straight nose.

“But still,” he started again and I sighed, exasperated. “If I go straight to Lallybroch after the nationals… ”

“It will still be okay.” I locked my eyes with his, and neither of us spoke for a long moment.  

“But I’ll be away,” he continued, fear taking the better of him.

Bloody distance. But I had to be the brave one this time.

“Jamie!” I raised my voice and cupped his face with both my hands. “Look at me.” He did. “No matter where you are, I love you. Here, at Lallybroch, in the end of the world. I love you. And I promise you will get bored of me when we’ll live together in Oxford.”

“That willna happen,” he disagreed, and pulled me to him for a kiss.

It was sweet and hopeful, but it quickly became thirsty and urgent. Promising that he would never have enough of me.

“We’ll see,” I said when we broke our kiss, and I laced our fingers together. “Now walk me home, you bloody fool. And never think that you’re not enough.”

Chapter 43

[ja9doeswhole30]

Food Freedom: The Good

Hello friends.

I swear, I’ve been trying to write a post updating my progress the last few weeks and it just didn’t happen. The start of Passover kept me very busy, and I have a draft about the holiday’s dietary restrictions and the nature of Seder meals. I finished the Reintroduction phase right before Passover started, and I enjoy telling stories in linear fashion, so this seemed logical at the time, but now that it’s been a while it might be better to discuss things differently. 

So, this post will be about all the Whole30 victories that I’ve experienced/maintained in the last few weeks. Then I’ll post separately about the fails/things that need the most work. 

3 meals + 1 snack, at home. The biggest impact Whole30 has had on my diet is to emphasize large, filling, plant-based meals. I’ve always made it a point to cook lots of veggies and lean meats at home, but I was an avowed grazer. I’d have a small (usually processed-carb-based) breakfast, which meant I was ready for snack mid-morning, followed by a small lunch, and another (possibly two) snacks in the afternoon before dinner. 

Now, most days, I’ve gotten pretty good at planning out meals and (limited) snacks so that I eat in a structured fashion. Once I started trying it, I found that I can usually sit down for a nice breakfast around 8 AM, which is late enough that I haven’t eaten in at least 12 hours, but early enough that I’m not starving. Sometimes if I’m able I try to push it to 9 AM to extend the overnight fasting period, but that doesn’t always work. Either way, though, having a good, filling breakfast will keep me going until lunch around 12:30-1PM. I allow for a snack in the afternoon but try to push that ‘til at least 4 PM. Then we have dinner at about 6:30 and finish by 7:00. 

Less indiscriminate eating. Another big reason I started Whole30 in the first place was that I would constantly pick at my kids’ snacks, or other nonsense we happen to have around the house. Hence, always gave myself credit for being a healthy eater, but whatever good I was doing eating plant-based & whole foods for meals was offset by my random unscheduled snacks. With certain foods off-limits during the Whole30, I broke my habit of helping myself to a few Cheddar Bunnies or chips whenever I wanted. Food Freedom Forever discusses the concept of deviating from an eating plan if you really consider the treat worth it, and can properly savor the experience. I haven’t been perfect with this practice (more on that next post), but it’s a good guideline. I’m definitely in the mindset of closing the vault unless there’s a truly worthwhile deposit to be made. Yesterday, for instance, I was tired and considered ordering sushi for lunch, but decided that reheating things at home was perfectly feasible and I didn’t want sushi that badly so as to indulge. 

I broke up with Dunkin’ Donuts. While I don’t drink an enormous amount of coffee, I have at various phases of life been a regular at chain coffee establishments. Although raised in a Dunkin’ household, my most sustained love affair was with Starbucks, which provided daily fuel for my second summer of law school, studying for the bar exam, and my first job. The Starbucks around the corner from my Brooklyn apartment became a necessary destination when I was home with my first baby. Thereafter we moved to a house in the suburbs, with the nearest Starbucks and DD each a mile away, serving as motivation for a nice walk when the weather was right and nothing else was going on. Following the birth of baby #2, coffee became both critically necessary and harder to obtain out of the house. The DD in the next town over has a drive-thru, which I patronized occasionally but otherwise made coffee at home - always iced, with whole milk and a teaspoon of Sugar in the Raw. 

Gradually, though, my kids were spending more time in preschool, I went back to work part-time, and I also became aware that DD’s rewards program is much more generous than Starbucks’. For a long time it seemed like there was always a promotional deal, be it a $1.99 medium latte or double-points when you order on the app or whatever. Going back to this past fall, I’d gotten sucked pretty deeply into a downward spiral of vice. First came an increase in the number of visits per week (from one to three... or more). Then I got into the habit of adding ridiculously sugary flavored syrups to my order, which I justified by asking for only one pump of the stuff, as opposed to the three or four the usual recipe would call for. Finally, I would use an especially stressful or exhaustion-ridden day as an excuse to get a large instead of my usual medium. 

Coffee every day having become a necessity, I began keeping a supply of small-batch homemade cold brew for my non-DD days. Thankfully I’d perfected my cold-brewing method prior to Whole30, because I knew that during the 30 days I wouldn’t be able to go to Dunkin’. In theory I could have sussed out the brand of almond milk they offer, to assess compliance, and possibly keep the habit alive. But I knew, deep down, that it would be especially worthwhile to cut my outside-coffee habit off at the knees. 

It was hard. Having my homemade cold brew with almond-coconut milk (no sugar) became a nice part of my daily routine, but during the Whole30, when I was limiting so many foods, it hit particularly hard to drive past a Dunkin’ and know that I wouldn’t - couldn’t - go in. It was truly the biggest form of deprivation for me; I didn’t miss the “treat” itself so much as participation in the ritual. As with the rest of Whole30, though, it felt like a great achievement once I realigned my habits. 

Case in point: On April 15th (federal tax deadline here in the U.S.) DD had an offer for a $1 medium coffee, so I made an exception, purchasing a black iced coffee on the way to work and adding my almond-coconut milk once I got to the office. It was... not good? I guess I’d gotten used to the bold flavor of my cold brew, and the way I make it at home. And while I was excited to participate in the commercial-coffee rat race yet again, the unsatisfying result was the exception that proved the rule. It’s cheaper and healthier to make coffee at home, so that’s what I do now. (I even grind my own beans, which feels really rustic and industrious.)

Daily exercise. During Whole30, I think I exercised 27 days. Initially it was motivation to earn my extra post-workout meal, but even prior to that my daily elliptical session + strength workout had become a seemingly necessary part of my routine. Since Whole30 ended, I’ve been able to maintain the habit. Some days, I need to work to squeeze it in, setting up kids with breakfast before I race down to the basement to bang out a quick 20 minutes. Other mornings my kids play downstairs and I need to pause my workout to help them figure out a toy or set up another activity. In the past, their presence might have stopped me from even attempting the workout (”Why bother if I’m just going to get interrupted?”), but I find that if I just force myself to get started, I’m compelled follow through even on the most hectic of mornings. Other times, I’ve been able to skip the morning elliptical in favor of an outside walk later in the day, which has been a (literal) breath of fresh spring air. 

That’s it for now, I think! Stay tuned for the next entry which will detail all the stuff I’m still doing wrong. D:

[calumbringbackthewatermelonshirt]

Shoot Your Shot [SOCCER!CAL AU]

Part 2!

Calum couldn’t believe his luck. He also couldn’t decide if it was good or bad luck. He may have broken his ankle and would be out for a while, but on the brighter side he got to stay with Bia. He couldn’t tell when or what, but something about her had changed recently. For the better, too, in his opinion. He just couldn’t figure out what. Now, though, he would have plenty of time to figure it out since they would be moving in together. Temporarily, he reminded himself.

“Let's go to my place first.” Calum said, peeling off his muddy shirt. After sitting in the dirt and sweat for hours, he needed to get the filthy material off his body. “I need a shower.”

“Damn right you do.” Bia turned her blinker on, focusing on the road. “There’s no way you’re even getting within 100 feet of my house with that much mud caked on you.”

Calum chuckled. “I forgot how much of a clean freak you are.”

She punched him playfully in return. “Why do you think we always hang at Sophie’s place? Your house is too messy for me to be in without throwing up and you idiots would dirty up my place in seconds.”

“Fair enough. So how are we gonna do this?” Calum dug in Bia’s back seat, finding a spare t shirt under it. It was Bia’s. Calum knew it was huge on her, but that still meant it would be probably be tiny on him. He weighed his options and ended up putting on the shirt anyways. Bia didn’t have the top of her Jeep on and, since it was October, it was starting to get cold.

Bia, of course, took one look at him and laughed. “You look so stupid.” She pulled over, brought out her phone, and took a picture before he could even protest. “Now take my shirt off before you bust the seams.”

“You know, I’ll admit that I haven’t been going to the gym as much lately, but there’s no reason to call me out like that.” Calum put a hand over his heart and feigned hurt, but Bia just rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, nerd. We’re here.” Bia parked the car and got her backpack out of the back seat.

Calum figured that since he had gotten in mostly on his own, he could probably get out, too. He was wrong.

“What part of wait for me did you not understand?” Bia pushed him off of her and looked at her ruined clothes. “Seriously tell me which word and I’ll explain it to you. Surely it would cost me less than the $80 I paid for this bag.” Bia pushed her fingertips tightly against her temples, a sure sign she was pissed.

“I’m pretty sure you never said that. And besides, I got in the car just fine by myself!” Calum brushed himself off, still in the gutter. The fall had made his foot ache, but the heavy painkillers the doctor had prescribed him were working really well.

“Well clearly you couldn’t get out by yourself, huh?” Bia’s shouting had apparently alerted the rest of their friend group that they were back because all of them came streaming out the door and sprinting over to Calum.

‘Whoah, dude. That looks serious,” Michael pulled Cal off the ground and slung Cal’s arm over his shoulders. Ashton then appeared on his other side, helping him keep his balance. Sophie chose to help Bia, and Cal was grateful for that. He knew that if anyone could calm her down, it would be Sophie.

“It is,” Bia grumbled and stalked into the house, Sophie trailing close behind.

“Well? What’s the damage?” Luke picked up Cal’s crutches and followed behind them into the house.

“Broken.” Cal was dumped onto the couch by his supposed mates, and he propped his foot up on the ottoman in front of him.  “I’m out for at least two months.”

“Oof.” Ashton, who already had a beer open, grimaced. “That’ll be rough without you.”

“Yeah but we technically haven’t started the season yet. You’re cutting it really close, though.” Luke was dumping the remains of a bag of chips into his mouth. “It’s gonna suck, but we’ll make it.

“Cal, you either shower now or you’re sleeping on floor outside my apartment.” Bia called from the bathroom where she already had the shower running. She stepped in and rinsed off, barely spending 5 minutes in the stream. She got out, dried off, and stalked down the hall to Cal’s room. She knew he wouldn’t be in there because, well, stairs, and that she had a change of clothes in there. Everyone in the group had, at one point or another, left clothes at the others’ houses. She quickly found her pair of skin tight black ripped jeans and all black old skool vans, but couldn’t find her shirt. She dug around for a while, occasionally throwing stuff in a pile for Cal to pack, but gave up and threw on one of his hoodies instead. She also put on one of his beanies because she didn’t want to get sick from the whole “wet hair, October night” combo. After packing Cal’s bag for him, she jogged back downstairs happily finding him showered and clean.

“Let’s roll.” Bia gathered her belongings and slung Cal’s bag over her shoulder.

“Is that my hoodie?” Cal accused her, pushing himself off the couch.

“Maybe,” Bia said and cocked an eyebrow. “What are you gonna do about it?”

“You’re taking me home. I’ll get my revenge.” Cal smirked and limped after you. ||

“Alright, you know the rules. No sex on my bed, tell me if you have sex anywhere other than your bed, no shoes, no smoking and no going in my office.” Bia locked the door after Cal and dropped her keys in the little dish in the foyer.

“Whoah, that last one is new. Why can’t I be in your office?” Cal took a seat on Bia’s couch, slipping his shoe off. Bia took it from him and put it on the mat set out by her front door.

“Because it’s my house and I said so, that’s why.” Bia sighed and rubbed her eyes. It was already 2:00 a.m. and she had shit to do tomorrow. “I’ll put your stuff in your room and then I’m going to bed. If you need me, speak now or fall on your face.”

Cal just laughed and slung his arm over Bia’s shoulders which she slid out from under him.  He looked hurt for a second, confused.

“You need to learn how to use them.” Bia said, giving a pointed look at the crutches. She knew full and well what he was trying to pull, and she sympathized, really, she did, but he had to learn sometime. ||

9 a.m. was too early for anything. Bia hated everything and everyone in the mornings, but her professor only had a 9:30 time slot open for a meeting so sometimes it sucked to sucked. She sighed and whipped up some pancakes for herself and Cal, when he got up, and placed the chocolate chips to form a smile in the pancake. She was a little worried about leaving him here alone his second day being injured, but she figured he wouldn’t be up until at least 12:00. It was a Saturday, so the group would probably go do something later, but she let him sleep for now. Bia quickly scribbled out a note as to where she had gone and walked out the door.||

“UGH,” Bia screamed and slammed her front door shut. She threw her shoes off and stomped all the way to her room to put her stuff away. She was surprised a little to see Calum on the couch when she stalked back into the living room.

“Upsetting meeting?” Cal asked casually, not wanting to poke the bear.

“Yeah, you could say that.” Bia said, pouring herself and knocking back a shot.

“What’s wrong?” Cal patted the seat next to him, signaling for her to sit next to him.

“I have to make a 95 on my exam in order to get an A in the class.” Bia collapsed sideways onto the couch, her legs hanging off the end and head resting in Cal’s lap. He started running his fingers through her hair, more for him than for her. He loved playing with her hair, the fibers soft on his callused skin. She wasn’t a huge fan of it (something he wasn’t aware of), but she knew he loved it, so she let him continue.

“Oh, I thought it was something big,” Cal said, earning himself a glare from Bia.

“It is, Calum. This is literally my worst subject.” Bia flopped onto her side and turned on Netflix to her and Cal’s favorite show to watch together. “We need to be icing your ankle.” Bia sighed and rose to her feet.

“No, no, no,” Cal whined. He hated icing injuries, but Bia wouldn’t take no for an answer. She was already undoing the velcro straps on his boot and placing the ice on his ankle. “I hate you.” Cal pouted.

“Hate you too nerd.” Bia was already back in the kitchen, popping popcorn for their marathon.

“Will you make hot cocoa, too?” Cal begged, reaching for some blankets and pillows out of the basket at the end of the couch.

“Asking for a bit much now aren’t we?”  Bia put the popcorn into a bowl and sat it on Cal’s lap. She also reached over and slipped a pillow under his ankle before starting on the hot chocolate. It only took her a couple minutes to make it and she gave both of them a healthy amount of whipped cream. Finally, she plopped down on the couch next to him, her head back in his lap.

“Do you think everyone else is gonna come over later?” Cal thought out loud, his fingers already back in her hair.

“Maybe? We did make plans to go out tonight earlier this week, so…” Bia just kind of trailed of not finishing her thought.

“Yeah, guess I ruined that, huh?” Cal pulled his fingers out of her hair and crossed his arms.

“Cal come on, we both know I didn’t mean it like that.” Bia tried to touch his cheek, but accidentally missed and slapped his forehead instead.

Cal smiled and put his fingers back in her hair.

“Stop hogging the blanket.” Bia grabbed a fistful and pulled it back over to herself.

Cal found himself smiling, despite being exposed to the cold air. They watched the show together for a few hours, Cal stewing over his injury and Bia stressing about her test, before the rest of the squad came over. Bia stood and stretched, her back a little sore.

“How you feeling, Bud?” Sophie came and sat next to Cal, roughing up his hair a little.

“Fine. I can’t feel my ankle, though.” Cal swatted Sophie’s hands away before he heard Bia.

“That would be the point.” She shouted, walking over to remove the ice. She took his ankle into her hands and started gently rubbing it to get the blood flowing again.

“It’s cool.” Cal shrugged it off, finding himself liking the feeling of her hands on his skin.

“Well, your ankle is,” Luke did finger guns at Michael and had a shit-eating grin on his face.

“I fucking hate you,” Ashton said, but the giggle gave him away.

“So what are we doing tonight?” Sophie said shoveling a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

“I say we just have a chill movie night. There’s a new horror movie out.” Luke said, trying to make sure they could include Cal.

“I don’t know, I heard it was pretty scary. I’m not sure SOME people in this room could handle it.” Bia said, giving a pointed look at Cal.

“Are we still going out?” Michael asked as he adjusted his glasses.  “Because I don’t want to leave Cal out, but I really want to go out. We need to celebrate.”

“I could still go out with you guys. I mean, I could hold a table and stuff.” Cal defended himself, trying not be the wet blanket.

“I see no reason to cancel. Let’s get ready and get our drink on.” Bia said decidedly, already cleaning up the popcorn and hot chocolate.

“Alright, then. Let’s meet back here in an hour and a half.” Ashton giggled again. “This is gonna be fuckin’ awesome!”||

“Is it ok if I shower first?” Cal asked as he leaned on the doorway of the bathroom. “It won’t take me long.”

“Yeah that’s fine especially since I’m not gonna shower.” Cal looked at her like she suddenly grew another head. “Bud, I showered this morning. I’m not trying to do my hair like that.”

“Whatever.” Cal spun around and shut the door.

Bia walked to her room and begun getting ready. Her long chocolate hair was already in loose waves because she had curled it earlier in the day, so she focused on her makeup, which didn’t take her long. All she did was put on cat eye liner, mascara, highlighter, and bright red lipstick. Foundation was too heavy and didn’t even cover all the freckles dotting her skin anyways. Plus it was sort of hard to find. color that matched her pale skin tone. Then she got dressed in a sheer skin tight long sleeve crop top with a cute bralette under, a black mini skirt and heeled combat boots. By then it was almost time to go, so she went to check on Calum and found him just sitting on the edge of his bed. He didn’t have a shirt on so Bia could see all the muscles in his golden skin and got a little distracted for a second. She didn’t like to admit it, but her best friend gave her feelings she wasn’t quite ready to deal with. Not just because of the way he looked, which was delicious, but also because of who he was. He was so soft and cute, but Bia didn’t feel like of being that cliched. Also, Cassidy. His girlfriend. They always kind of seemed to forget about her.

“Why aren’t you getting ready?” Bia said, pushing those thoughts out of her head. “It’s almost time to go.”

“Couldn’t figure out how to work this stupid boot.” Cal said flopping back onto his bed.

“How long have you been sitting here doing nothing, though?” Bia reached into Cal’s bag, pulled out his sensation t-shirt and leather jacket, and then tossed them onto his chest. Then she bent over and finished strapping on his boot for him while he pulled on his clothes.

“We good?” Bia asked picking up Cal’s crutches and handing them to him.

“Yeah. Let’s go meet up with everyone.” ||

The group walked into the bar and made a beeline to the back and their usual table. Calum was pretty anxious to sit. By walking to the back, the group had to walk through all the dancing people and drunks who weren’t exactly conscientious of his injury. His ankle was radiating flares of pain up his shin, and he all but collapsed into the chair.

“I’ll get drinks!” Bia shouted over the music which was pounding. “Usual for everyone?”

Everyone agreed and Bia and Sophie went over to the bar, the latter having volunteered to help carry everything.

“How’s living with her going, man?” Ashton shouted over the music. Everyone knew a conversation would be a little difficult, but hey, thats just how it was in clubs. They knew and all didn’t care.

“Fuck, man. It’s the best.” Calum said shaking his head slightly.

“Yeah? Did, uh, something happen between you two?” Luke said.

Cal’s head snapped around so fast he heard his neck pop. “The fuck you mean?”

“Oy, mate, don’t act like you’re not pining over her. Everyone knows except her and you apparently.” Ashton gave him a look that said everything.

“We see you staring at her when she can’t see you, tensing up when she flirts with other guys. My god Cal, grow a pair.” Michael chimed in with his opinion, slightly buzzed from his pregaming.

“Oh, fuck off the lot of you. Cassidy, remember?” Cal squinted his eyes and shook his head, denying as hard as could. He was spared from further talking about it because Bia and Sophie returned with their drinks. All of them had beer except Bia and Sophie themselves, the former with whiskey and the latter with a cranberry vodka.

“Could you have a more white girl drink?” Bia started ragging on Sophie, but within good reason in Cal’s opinion.

“Seriously, you’re embarrassing the rest of us. I don’t know if we can even be seen with you.” Cal high-fived Bia and found himself grinning hard. After a pointed look from Ashton, he suddenly knew what the other guys had been talking about. Maybe he did have a thing for his best friend, but there’s no way either of them would be that cliched. Plus, he had Cassidy, and he wasn’t quite ready to give her up over some school girl crush. Cal took a long draw of his beer and tried to push the thought from his mind. It was hard, thought, because she looked damn fine in that outfit.

“Let’s dance!” Bia shouted and downed half her drink. Calum wanted nothing more than to jump up and follow her onto the dance floor, fuck his ankle. She was already jumping to the music and flirting with all the guys around her. She didn’t realize they were flirting, though. Cal figured she probably just thought they were being friendly, having fun. He shook his head and took another long sip of his beer. He was left alone at the table with only his friends’ drinks for company, but he didn’t really mind. Cal was content sipping beers provided by friends (mainly Bia; she came to check on him the most often) and listening to the music. Before he knew it, it was a little past 12:00 and about half of their group was drunk. Cal, Bia and Ash were only slightly buzzed but Luke, Sophie, and Michael were totally hammered. Right as they were getting ready to exit the club, Cal realized they had lost Bia. He scanned the club but wasn’t too worried seeing as she hadn’t had too much. Cal and Ash had almost finished corralling the rest of their friends out the door when she caught up with them.

“Alright. I’ll see you guys later.” Bia said, breathing in the fresh air. The night was really pretty, the weather absolutely perfect. “I’m gonna walk home. Try and head off the hangover, you know?”

“Are you sure?” Cal could feel the concern creeping into his voice, the desperation. Stupid as he knew it was. “Frat boy, especially drunk ones, aren’t exactly known for their chivalry.”

“Actually, I think I’ll join you.” Ash linked his arm with hers. “Tonight is really pretty.”

Cal just nodded his head and climbed into the Uber. For whatever reason, he felt jealousy thick in his throat. He knew, of course, it was misplaced. Nothing would ever happen between Bia and Ash. Right? It was moments like these he had never hated his injury more. Hell, he’d break both his ankles to be able to be the one walking her home.||

“Ash, not that I'm not grateful or anything, but you know I can take care of myself, right?” It’s not that she didn’t want his company, but Bia knew, and wanted the boys to know, she didn’t need some big strong man to come save her.

“Oh I know good and well that you didn’t need me here protecting you.” Ash did air quotes around protecting, since he really wasn’t doing much but talking. “However, I think we can agree that, had I not volunteered, then Cal would have tried to walk with you. So, really, I did this more for Cal than for you.”

Bia giggled and breathed a sigh of relief. It was nice to have some one on one time with Ash, something they hadn’t had in a while.

“I, uh, did, however, have an alterior motive.” Ash lowered his voice to almost a whisper, his serious demeanor a sudden change. “It’s about Cal.”

“What? Is he okay? Is there something I don’t know about going on?” Bia stopped and looked Ash square in the eyes.

“Yes and no. Listen, Cassidy is going to give Cal an ultimatum when she gets back from her trip in three days.” Ash was looking pretty pissed at that point.

“That bitch. What for?” Bia made a face, felt her heart beating faster. She had never liked Cassidy, always thought she was jealous of Cal and Bia’s friendship. Bia had always tried to be polite, but whenever Cal tried to bring Cassidy along to a group hangout, Bia would always find some excuse not to be there.

“Her or you. Cal has to choose.” Ash barely got the words off his lips before Bia felt her blood run cold. No matter what Bia had with Cal, Cassidy would come first. Hell, Cal had even brought Bia along ring shopping once. He said he wasn't anywhere near ready, though he just wanted to have an idea. She couldn't let him throw away his future, but what was she supposed to do? Lose her best friend? Bia knew her face gave away no emotion, but inside she felt the hot tears rising up. Her palms went clammy and she swiftly walked over to the nearest bench and sat.

Ash noticed she and taken a seat and settled himself next to her. “Bia, this is really up to Cal. I mean, what are you going to do, kick him out of your life?”

And with that, she made up her mind. “I guess so.”

“Whoah, hey I was definitely being sarcastic. I, in no way shape or form, meant that you should actually kick him out.”

Bia was already walking away, though. Once she made up her mind, there was no changing it. From now on, Calum Hood was no longer her friend. ||

As soon as she got home, Bia ran to the bathroom, shut the door, and promptly bent over the toilet to throw up.

“Hey, listen, do you think I should get Cassidy something?” Cal opened the door but didn’t notice she was throwing up yet since he was texting Cassidy on his phone. “I mean, I haven’t seen- Oh my god are you ok?”

Cal reached to rub Bia’s back, but she arched her spine away from him, avoiding his touch. “Go away.”

Bia didn’t say anything else, and she really didn’t want to either. She was afraid that if she did, she’d tell him everything.

“Um, alright.” Cal furrowed his brow, confused. Had he done something to make her mad at him? He really didn’t think so, but then why would she have pulled away from him like that. Trying to shake the paranoia, he chalked it up to her being sick. “I’ll just go make grilled cheese and tomato soup then.”

“Don’t bother Calum. Just leave me alone.” Bia turned around and pushed Calum out of the bathroom, a final, symbolic act to solidify her shutting him out of her life.

Cal was stunned. She had only said seven words and yet, he felt his blood pulsing faster in his veins, almost like he couldn’t breathe. For starters, grilled cheese and tomato soup was their tradition. Starting when they were six, the other had made the soup and sandwich for the sick friend. To reject that felt a little like she was rejecting him, rejecting his friendship. Second, she called him Calum. She never called him Calum, hadn’t called called him by his full name in about eight years. The last time she had called him Calum was when he had tried to prank her, but instead had embarrassed her in front of the whole school and caused her boyfriend to break up with her. She had cried for weeks, and it had taken a awhile for them to be okay again. Cal hoped to God it was nothing like that because, although it seemed strange because he wasn't at the receiving end, that prank-gone-wrong had almost killed him inside. He leaned his back against the bathroom door and slid to the floor so that he was sitting, setting his crutches on the floor beside him. He really just didn’t understand, one hot tear running down his flushed cheeks as he sat there, waiting in vain that Bia would say something, anything to him.||

The next morning, after not seeing her again, Cal got up and immediately went to look for Bia. His ankle was hurting more than it ever had and he was dying for a smoke, but all he really wanted was to find Bia, to talk to her. He looked around her house for awhile, finding her no where. It did confuse him a little because he knew she was still here since her keys were still in dish by the front door. Then it dawned on him that she must be in her office. Cal definitely wasn’t about to go in there, especially after last night. Still, he did really want to talk to her. He figured he’d knock, at least try. At best, she’d be feeling all better and they would laugh and make up over yesterday. At worst, he’d see her later at the mall when they would meet up with the rest of the group. He wouldn't try empty handed, though. Since it was nearing lunchtime, he made grilled cheese and tomato soup again, even though she had rejected it yesterday. He set it on the counter, wishing he could bring it to her. Once again cursing his crutches, he limped to the back of the house where her office was and knocked on the door. She didn't answer, but he heard soft music filtering in from under the door, Buddy by Willie Nelson, her go to sad song.

“Bia?” Cal rested his head against the door, losing hope quicker and quicker that she would respond. “I, uh, I hope your, um feeling better. I made you lunch, it’s waiting on the, uh, counter for you. Grilled cheese and tomato. I know, I know, you said that, uh you didn’t want it last night, but it just didn’t feel right, to um, to not have it. I mean, I even washed all the dishes and cleaned the counter tops, too.”

Bia didn’t answer. Cal was left disoriented by what was happening. Their friendship seemed to be dissolving all around him and Cal didn’t know what to do. He had to talk to everyone else, maybe he was just being paranoid. They’d help him, and even if their advice didn’t work, then Cassidy would be home in just three days. Cal stood there and waited for a few more minutes before limping back into the kitchen to eat the food he had made for Bia.||

Bia sat on the floor of her office with her knees pulled up to her chest, tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t really the type to cry, and yet here she was bawling her eyes out. It was the hardest thing she’d ever have to do. She was basically cutting out the happiest memories of her life, and the worst part was that she couldn’t even give him an explanation. They’d been best friends for 21 years and she was cutting him out of her life with seemingly no explanation. It was only because she wanted the best for him, though. Cassidy would make him happy for the rest of his life, and for that, the sacrifice would be worth it. It took her a while to stop crying, but she held onto that little scrap of comfort, knowing she would be securing his happiness. Besides, she needed to give her eyes time to de-puff before their group met up at the mall later. Her plan was just to avoid him as much as possible. Originally, she had planned on canceling, but she figured she’d need them after she was through with her self-given task. She found it quite ironic, the fact that he had moved in so she could help him out and yet here they were, not even speaking.||

[emospritelet]

Never did this before, so hope I'm doing it right...DH Prompt 55: “ Shut up and kiss me already. ”

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14] [Part 15] [Part 16] [Part 17] [Part 18] [Part 19] [Part 20] [Part 21] [Part 22] [Part 23] [Part 24] [Part 25] [Part 26] [Part 27] [Part 28] [Part 29] [Part 30] [Part 31]

Prompts all come from this list.

AO3 link

Dinner at Granny’s was an enjoyable affair; Neal and Emma proclaimed the ribs to be among the best they’d eaten, and Henry ate his burger, half of Belle’s fries and somehow still had room for apple pie.  Once the plates had been cleared and coffees poured, Gideon dozed on his father’s lap while Henry flicked through his book, explaining some of the stories within to Gold.

“Wait, so Red Riding Hood is the wolf in this?” said Gold.  “A singular interpretation.”

“Yeah, and she’s so cool!” said Henry enthusiastically.  “She helps Snow White to hide from the Evil Queen!”

“Wasn’t it always the Huntsman who helped Snow White?”

“Oh, he does, but the Queen found out and took his heart,” said Henry.  “So now he has to do whatever she says. He was raised by wolves, and he loves the forest, but she keeps him trapped in the castle.”

“Well,” said Gold.  “She sounds very unpleasant.”

“Yeah,” agreed Henry.  “But I kinda feel sorry for her.  It’s like she thinks that destroying happy endings for everyone will make her happy, but it only makes her miserable.”

“I suspect there’s a moral in there somewhere,” remarked Gold, glancing at Belle.

“Yes,” she said firmly.  “Let yourself be happy, and don’t make decisions for other people.”

She smirked at him, and he sent her a tiny grin, kissing the top of Gideon’s head.

Gold had offered to cook dinner the next night, and so Belle spent her day at the flower shop with Gideon, closing up at four and heading home.  He was already preparing food when she arrived, and Belle lifted her nose and sniffed at the scent of chocolate wafting through the kitchen.

“I made a cake,” he said.  “It’s been awhile since I baked anything.  I enjoyed it.”

The cake was cooling on a wire rack, dark and rich, and she grinned as she went to inhale its scent.

“What are you going to put on it?” she asked.  “I could make some buttercream.”

“I have fresh cream, and some raspberries,” he said.  “There’s a little framboise in the liquor cupboard as well.  Might be nice to pour on the sponge. Henry can have coulis, save the booze for the rest of us.”

Belle spied a glass jar of thick, crimson sauce, and stuck a finger in it, licking off the taste of sweetened fresh raspberries.

“So, that’s dessert sorted,” she remarked.  “Delicious. What about the rest?”

“I thought we’d keep things simple,” he said.  “Pasta?”

“The cheesier the better,” she agreed, and he grinned.

He made macaroni cheese, with garlic bread and a crisp green salad to cut the richness, and by the time Emma, Neal and Henry arrived the pasta was bubbling in the oven, the cheese sauce thick and glistening, golden brown on the top.  There was cold white wine, sharp and fruity on the tongue, and the garlic bread was fragrant, making lips and fingers slick with melted butter.  There was silence for the first ten minutes as everyone ate, but then the conversation started up.  Emma and Neal spoke about places to visit in Boston, and which areas were the best, and the easiest routes to Belle’s university.

“We pulled a few all-nighters in the library, huh Belle?” said Emma, gesturing with her fork.

“Yeah.”  Belle took a sip of wine.  “Not sure I can do that anymore.  Since having Gideon I’ve decided I need to take my sleep where I can get it.”

“I don’t want you studying so hard you make yourself ill,” said Gold, and she shook her head, running a hand over his thigh.

“It was only around exam time,” she said.  “My study technique improved, so hopefully having a baby won’t mean I’ve forgotten everything I learned.”

“Finals are a bitch,” said Emma, with feeling.  “Can I get another glass of wine?”

“Of course.”

Gold poured her the wine, offering the bottle to Neal, who held out his glass.

“Thanks,” he said.  “This mac and cheese is awesome, by the way.”

“It’s so good,” agreed Henry.  “Why isn’t yours this good, Mom?”

“Gee, thanks,” said Emma, in a flat tone, and Henry grinned at her as he held out his plate for more.

“Your mac and cheese is awesome too, babe,” Neal assured her.

“Well, now you just sound like you have to say that,” she remarked, taking a drink.

“No, I just know what to say to get more of the good stuff,” he said, with a wicked grin.

“That a fact?”  She was smiling at him, her eyes sparkling.  "You always were a smooth talker, Cassidy.“

"Good thing you can read me like a book then, huh?” he said, winking at her.

“I know when I’m being thrown a line, yeah.”

“So are you biting?” he asked, and her grin widened.

“Shut up and kiss me already.”

Neal leaned in to kiss her, eyes crinkling at the corners, and Henry made a gagging motion behind his hand, causing Gold to break into a wide smile as he reached for his wineglass.  He shared a grin with Belle, dark eyes twinkling, and clinked his glass against hers.  The wine was making her pleasantly light-headed, and she could feel herself relaxing with the comfort of good food and good company.  She kept her hand on Gold's thigh, enjoying the firm warmth of him, the closeness, and his eyes softened a little as he glanced at her, that smile still on his face.

Belle got the impression that Gold, the seasoned loner, was enjoying having guests in his house for dinner.  She realised that at the very heart of him was the soul of a person who wanted to care for others, the nurturing side that came out through the preparation of good food and wine, and the pleasure it gave him to share it.  The harshness of his earlier life, the lack of any kindness or love, had gotten in the way, creating barriers of cold stone, forbidding walls of spiked blackthorn. He had begun to break through that for Gideon, and for her, and for a moment, talking and laughing with her friends around the dinner table, she began to sense what life could be like for him, for their family, when he faced his demons and beat them.  She wondered if he felt it too; his eyes kept flicking to Neal, and to Henry, that tiny crease of puzzlement still between his brows, as though he couldn’t quite fathom how he had ended up there with a kitchen filled with chatter and laughter and the clink of glasses.

Henry had two helpings of the pasta, and after the plates had been cleared Gold handed around dishes of the chocolate cake, layered up with raspberries and cream and with raspberry liqueur soaking into the sponge.

“Dear God, that’s amazing,” said Emma, licking cream from her fork.  “I can see why you want to move in with this guy, Belle.”

“Cooking’s only the second most incredible thing he does with his hands,” said Belle, and giggled as Gold gave her a very level look.

“What’s the first?” asked Henry curiously, and Belle blushed.

“I also clean up afterwards,” said Gold blandly.

“Some nights that’s better than the other thing,” said Emma, and winked at him.

“What other thing?”

“Sleeping,” said Neal, ruffling his hair.  “Which is what you should be doing, buddy. You done with your cake?”

Henry scraped up the last of the cream and raspberry sauce, licking his spoon.

“I wanted to tell Mr Gold the story of Beauty and the Beast,” he said despondently.

“You can tell me next time,” said Gold.  “I have a feeling that story may resonate with me.”

He glanced across at Belle, reaching out to thread his fingers through hers, and she smiled at him, happy and warm and filled with contentment.  This was how their life could be. This was how it would be.

Her head ached a little the next day, the after-effects of too much wine, but she felt surprisingly well-rested, and joined Gold and Gideon in the kitchen for a breakfast of scrambled eggs with bacon and lots of hot tea.

“I think I’ll go to the shop today,” said Gold, hands cradling his cup.  “I want to go through the china inventory and polish the silver.”

“Not the most exciting job,” she remarked.  “You sure you don’t want to just chill out here with us?”

His mouth flattened a little, his fingers shifting restlessly on the white china.

“I’m feeling - I don’t know,” he mused.  “Agitated isn’t quite the right word. I feel the need to do something.  Something that won’t take too much brain power.”

“You could always do me,” she suggested innocently, and he grinned.

“Oh, later, most definitely.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

He was still grinning, his eyes twinkling, and she felt her belly lurch.

“How about Gid and I walk into town with you?” she said.  “I could pick us up some coffee from Granny’s, bring it back to the shop.”

“Sounds good.”

The day was pleasant, fat white clouds spreading across the blue of the sky, and Belle inhaled deeply as they walked along, Gold with one hand resting at the small of her back, his other wielding the cane.  The pawn shop was cool and dark, and the stroller’s wheels sounded loud on the wooden floor as she pushed it into the back room. Gold bent to unfasten Gideon’s straps, and she went back through to the shop to open the blinds, letting thin shafts of sunlight fan out across the floor.  She flipped the sign to Open, grinning to herself as she remembered Emma and Neal’s interruption.  Perhaps she could turn the lock at some point later that day and finish what she had started.

Gideon was seated on the floor when she went through to the back, solid plastic shapes in a variety of bright colours scattered on the rug in front of him. Gold had set down a hollow ball with holes to take the shapes, but Gideon was ignoring it.

“Seems more interested in chewing them than putting them through the holes,” he remarked, and Belle grinned.

“He’ll get there.”

“Undoubtedly.”

He was holding something, an old toy rabbit with a faded blue felt waistcoat, soft brown faux fur with a cream chest and shiny black beads for eyes.  She had seen it on the shelves many times, and had always felt that it looked out of place in amongst the trinkets and china and old books. She had never asked about it before, and he had never seemed to pay it any attention beyond keeping it free of dust, which made her wonder what had changed.

“What’s that?” she asked, and he looked down at the toy rabbit in his hands, as though he couldn’t remember holding it.

“Oh,” he said vaguely.  “It - it belonged to my son.  To Bailey.”

Belle bit her lip, empathy making her want to hug him.

“You kept it all this time?” she asked sadly, and he sent her a wry smile.

“It was his favourite toy,” he said.  “His mother left it behind when she took him.  I used to lie awake at night, wondering if he could sleep without it.  A stupid thing - I’m sure he found another toy to hug.”

“It’s not stupid,” she said gently, and he sighed, turning the rabbit over and over in his hands, brown ears flopping as it moved.

“Can’t bring myself to throw it out,” he said.  “This is all I have left of him, you see. No pictures.  She took those, too.”

“What - what brought this on?” she asked, and he shrugged.

“I’m not sure,” he admitted.  “Perhaps - perhaps meeting Henry.  All that bright enthusiasm, the innocence of youth.  It makes me think of what I’ve missed. Perhaps Bae has his own children now, and I’ll never know them.”

He was looking wistful, his fingers clutching the brown plush body of the rabbit, and Belle took a step closer, running her hands up his back to his shoulders.  Gold let his head roll back with a sigh.

“Well, self-pity doesn’t help,” he said, almost to himself.  “My son barely knew me before he was gone, and it’s likely I’ll never see him again.  I have to accept that.”

He stepped away from her, setting the toy rabbit back on the shelf, cream-padded feet sticking out in front of it and ears flopping over its black-bead eyes.  His hand tightened over the cane as he stepped back, and Belle ran a hand over his arm, wanting to touch him, to send him reassurance.

“Did you speak to Dr Hopper?” she asked, and he turned to her, one brow lifting with a hint of surprise.

“Actually, yes,” he said.  “I have an initial appointment with him next week.”

“Maybe he can help,” she said, and he shrugged.

“It has to be better than doing nothing, doesn’t it?” he said, and slid an arm around her, pulling her a little closer.  “I also spoke to my lawyer. She wants us to go to Boston, to go through the paperwork for Gideon. I thought we might look at some properties while we’re there, if you like.”

Belle nodded, twining her arms around his neck.

“I’m looking forward to making a home with you,” she said, a little shyly, and he smiled, kissing her forehead.

“You don’t need to do anything,” he said softly.  “Home is wherever you and Gideon are. It’ll be wonderful whether it’s here or in Boston.”

She kissed him, rising up on her toes before settling back, a wide smile on her face.

“I’m glad you like Neal and Emma and Henry,” she said.  “When we move to Boston I expect we’ll have them over for dinner a lot.”

“Yes,” he said.  “Yes, I’d like that.  I’m glad you’ve made such good friends.”

Belle hesitated, unsure whether to voice the stray thought that had been creeping around in her mind since the previous night.  Curiosity won out.

“You - you seemed to watch Neal a lot,” she ventured.  “Like - like you were puzzled by something.”

Gold glanced at her, a smile twisting his mouth a little, and he stepped out of her arms, grounding the cane.

“You noticed,” he said dryly.  “Not much gets past you, does it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” she said.  “But since you just admitted it, what was up?”

He didn’t answer for a moment, his jaw working a little, eyes flicking to the floor and back up.

“It’s the strangest thing,” he said slowly.  “It’s - it’s almost as though we’ve met before.  I’m certain that we haven’t, at least not to my knowledge, but it’s like there’s this thought just - just scratching away at the back of my mind and it won’t stop.”

“What do you think it means?” she asked, and he pulled a face.

“Maybe we have met, and I just don’t remember it,” he said.  “Perhaps he was in the house when I went to serve a tenant with an eviction notice, or perhaps he served me in a bloody restaurant, I don’t know.  What does he do for a living?”

“Accountancy clerk,” said Belle, and Gold shrugged.

“So maybe it was that.  I don’t know. I don’t suppose it matters.”  He leaned in to kiss her forehead again. “Did you say something about coffee?”

“Yeah.”  She smiled up at him.  “I’ll take Gideon and make a run to Granny’s.  We might be able to catch Emma before she goes.”

“Give them my best, if you do,” said Gold.  “And see if Mrs Lucas has any of those excellent ginger cookies, would you?”

“On it.”

The sky had clouded over when she left the shop, the summer day unusually cool and fresh, and Belle walked quickly as she pushed the stroller up the street.  The diner was busy, and she smiled as she saw Neal, Emma and Henry seated at one of the tables, with empty plates in front of them and a guidebook resting on the table top.

“Oh, I’m glad I caught you,” she said, parking the stroller.  “I’m on a coffee run.”

“Well, sit down and have one with us,” said Emma, pulling out the chair next to her.  “Long drive ahead, so it’s caffeine all around. Except Henry.”

“I’m having cocoa with cinnamon,” put in Henry.

“We’ve decided to head up the coast, see some of the country,” added Neal. “Maybe three days or so. Thought we might drop by on the way back, if that’s okay.”

“Great!” said Belle, beaming as she lifted Gideon up.  “That would just about tie in with us travelling to Boston.  We’re going to look for an apartment there.”

“You can stay with us!” said Henry eagerly, and Emma chuckled.

“Not unless they want to sleep three to a bed, kid.”

“Yeah, I think we’ll be getting a hotel,” said Belle, with a grin.  “We can have dinner though, Henry.”

“I wanna take Mr Gold to the aquarium.”

“I’ll tell him,” said Belle, amused, bouncing Gideon on her knee.  “We went for Gideon’s birthday, remember?”

“We went for Dad’s birthday,” corrected Henry, in a dry tone.  “He just pretended it was for Gideon.”

“Yeah, well, only a day in it,” said Neal, shrugging, and tapped Gideon’s nose with a finger, making him giggle. “You almost shared a birthday with your Uncle Neal, kid.  We were looking at double celebrations if you could have just held out for a little longer. Maybe matching T-shirts, or something.”

“There’s more excuses for cake this way,” said Henry, and Belle grinned, smiling up at the waitress as coffee was poured for her.

“Well, when Gideon turns two, we’ll be in Boston,” she said.  “So we can all celebrate together.”

“Are you and Mr Gold gonna get married?” asked Henry suddenly.  “You could have more babies together. I bet Gideon would like a brother.  I’d like a brother.”

Neal and Emma exchanged an amused look.

“Well, I don’t know,” said Belle, trying not to grin.  “We’ll have to see how things go.”

Henry grumbled something under his breath about ‘we’ll see’ meaning ‘never’, and opened up his storybook. Neal picked up his coffee cup.

“He’s a fan of true love,” he remarked.

“It’s sweet,” said Belle, in an undertone.  “And honestly, remembering how I felt just a few short weeks ago - optimism is a good thing.  I want things to work out.”

“Sometimes that’s half the battle,” said Emma, taking a sip of coffee.

“Yeah,” said Belle slowly.  “I don’t think it’s gonna be easy, especially knowing some of the stuff Alex has to work through, but he’s getting therapy for that, and I know he wants to try.  I know he wants to do his best for us, and I need that. I want Gideon to grow up as part of a happy family, which includes his father.”

“At least he’s trying,” agreed Neal.  “More than my mother ever did.”

“What do you remember about your mother?” asked Belle, and Neal wrinkled his nose.

“Dark hair, and pretty, I guess,” he said.  “Kind of intense. I remember the last conversation I had with her, when she left me with Social Services.  She said she wouldn’t be gone long, she just needed a break. Begging me to understand, while I just couldn’t stop crying.  Never saw her again.”

“I’m so sorry,” said Belle sadly, and he shrugged.

“Yeah.  Kind of tried to forget her as I got older,” he said.  “Took every step I could think of to cut her out of my life, to make myself into someone else.”

“Was that hard?” she asked, and he pulled a face.

“Some things were easier to let go of than others,” he said.  “I mean - Bailey Bonny? Not really me, you know?”

Belle blinked.

“Bailey Bonny?” she said curiously, and he sent her a wry smile.

“One benefit of hanging out with the wrong crowd was being able to get a new identity, no questions asked,” he said.  “I changed my name. Became someone else.”

“I didn’t know,” said Belle, surprised.

“Like I said.”  He took another sip of coffee.  “Tried to forget.”

“Right,” she said.  “So, your original surname was Bonny?”

Neal set down his cup, licking his lips.

“Well, my mother’s surname,” he said.  “She used to say she shared the name of a famous pirate - Ann Bonny - and that she called me Bailey after a sailor she met once.  Always did love the sea. Guess I thought it was cool as a little kid. When she left - well, I soon figured I needed my own name.  Milah Bonny was the woman who abandoned me. Didn’t need the constant reminder.”

“Milah.”  Belle’s heart began to thump hard in her chest.  “That’s - an unusual name.”

Neal shrugged, wrinkling his nose.

“I guess.”

“Was she - was she Scottish?”

He shook his head.

“English.  My dad was Scottish, though.  Or so she said.”

“Right.”  Belle’s hands tightened around her cup.  “And - and what do you know about him?”

“Not much,” he said wryly.  “They met in Glasgow. He worked a lot.  Too much, according to her. Never liked to have any fun, always the responsible one.  She made it sound like that was a bad thing. Where I got my brown eyes, too.”

“So - were you born over there, or over here?”

“Oh, I was born in northern England,” he said.  “Newcastle, would you believe? Although from what I can tell we moved around a lot in England and Scotland when I was a baby.  My mother said we came over here when I was like two, so I can’t say I remember anything of the old place. Living in the US is all I’ve ever known.  We were in Florida for awhile, I know that. Always moving, never settled. And then one day it was a trip to Social Services, and she was gone, and I was in the system.”

It was said lightly, as though he didn’t care, but Belle suspected it had affected him deeply.  Emma was chewing her lip, looking troubled, and Belle hesitated before speaking.

“So - you changed your name,” she said.  “And - and you don’t know your dad’s name?  Did you ever try to look for him?”

“Oh, sure!” he said immediately.  “Just as soon as I was old enough to realise what I needed to do and the kinds of questions I needed to ask.  Trouble was, I had no family other than my mother - and she never came back. So there was no one I could ask about my dad, and when I got my birth certificate there was no name on there, so…”  He shrugged. “Nothing. Don’t even know if the guy she told me about was really my dad.”

“Do you remember anything about him?” asked Belle, and he wrinkled his nose.

“Not really,” he admitted.  “Just - really vague sort of stuff.  Like memories of memories, if that makes sense.  Nothing solid. Nothing I could describe, anyway.”

“Right,” she said absently, and Emma drained her cup, setting it down.

“Come on guys, we’d better hit the road.”

Henry closed his book with a thump, and Belle stood up, bouncing Gideon in her arms.  Emma hugged her, and kissed Gideon’s head.

“We’ll call when we’re on the way back,” she said.

“Yeah, we’ll give you warning this time,” added Neal, with a grin.  “See if you can keep things PG in the shop, okay?”

Belle sent him a level look, and he grinned, hugging her and Gideon.

“Bye, Belle,” said Henry cheerfully, throwing his arms around her before picking up his book.

“Drive safely,” she called after them, and watched them leave, Neal’s arm resting around Henry’s shoulders.

Belle chewed her lip, thinking hard.  Coincidence.  It has to be coincidence.  It can’t be true, that would be crazy.  There must be hundreds of people called Milah.  With Scottish exes. Who took their sons away from their fathers around age two.

She shook her head, and set Gideon back in the stroller, making her way to the counter to order two takeout coffees and four stem ginger cookies.  Her mind was whirling, and she barely registered the coffees being set in front of her. The scent of the cookies in their brown paper bag brought her back to the present, and she paid, uttering thanks in an absent voice before turning back to the door.  She needed to talk to Gold.

She was chewing her lip thoughtfully as she walked, one hand on the stroller and the other carrying the cardboard tray with its coffee cups.  Gold appeared to spy her through the shop window, and strode quickly to the door, taking the coffees from her. Belle pushed the stroller through to the back room.

“Did you catch Emma?” he asked, and she bent to unbuckle Gideon, lifting him out to sit on the floor with his coloured blocks again.

“I did,” she said, straightening up.  “They’re heading up the coast. Coming back in a few days.  I said we could have dinner again before they head back to Boston.”

“Ah.”

He took a sip of coffee, wincing a little at the heat of it before setting it on his workbench, and Belle bent to retrieve the paper bag of cookies from the stroller.

“Tell me about your son,” she said.  “You said his name was Bailey. Did - did he have your last name?”

Gold gave her a wry smile.

“No.  Milah’s.  As I said, I was never named as his father.  Should have taken steps to change that, but alas…”

He shrugged resignedly, and she chewed her lower lip.

“So - what was her surname?”

“Bonny,” he said, and Belle swallowed.

“And - and you said you weren’t there when he was born,” she said.  “So was that in your hometown, or—”

“No, no, he was born in Newcastle, in the north of England,” said Gold, running a hand through his hair.  “I think she spent a year or so there, from what I remember her saying. Probably the longest she stayed anywhere.”

His tone was rueful.  Belle could feel her heart thudding in her chest.

“When was his birthday?” she asked.

“First of May,” he said immediately.

“The day after Gideon’s,” she said, under her breath.

“Yes,” he said, with a smile, and glanced at her.  “Why all the questions?”

She hesitated, but raised her chin.

“Because I think I might have found him.”

[huangels]

watercolored paints - jaehyun

a/n: since the first scenario was just fluff, i thought i could make this a little angsty. i hope you like it!

summary: The tragic death of your soon to be fiance led to the colors of your world bleeding away. Your life began to feel completely empty and meaningless… until you meet a guy named Jaehyun.

genre: fluff, light angst?, soulmates au

warnings: slight mention of shootings and death but just a little at the beginning of the story :p

word count: 2.3k

It's been two years since your world reverted back to the two most dreadful colors.

It's been two years since you've lost everything in this world that had mattered to you.

[2 years ago]

You're happily trotting down the sidewalk, a gift bag in one hand and a bouquet of colorful flowers in the other. It's your boyfriend's graduation ceremony from medical school today. He's also been selected to be one of the three people to give out speeches at the ceremony, which he's really excited about. He has spent all his life studying and stressing out over the multiple exams he's taken. It's finally the time he has been waiting for, the time where he's finally free.

Now that he has more time on his hands, he promises that he would spend every day with you. You guys can finally travel around the world like you have always wanted. He'll take you on dates every week and shower you with love, giving you all the affection you deserve for the lack of attention over the years. He even promises to surprise you with something big, which turns out to be a proposal as you accidentally found a beautiful diamond ring in your bedroom. Your smile grows as you examine the ring, but quickly close the case and put it back since you don't want to completely spoil the surprise.

Throughout his tough times, you both had many arguments due to his stress and your concern. But, it had always ended up with the both apologizing to each other because the two of you understood each other's position. That's what you love most about your relationship with your boyfriend, how understanding and devoted the both of you are.  

You walk to your parked car and slide in, carefully setting the gift and the flowers on the passenger seat and your purse in front of it.

It's currently 10:30 am and the graduation ceremony doesn't start until 12 am. It'll only take about 30 minutes to arrive at the university, which means that you are going to be an hour early. Yet, you don't mind. For him, you will go a day early and camp outside, waiting.

You make your way to the University football field, which is where the event is held. Surprisingly, there are already many cars that fill up the parking lots, families and friends piling into the stadium. It takes about an hour to get there because of all the traffic and pedestrians. Not wanting a bad seat far away from the field, you turn to collect the gifts, but something causes you to halt immediately.

A gunshot.

Then, multiple gunshots.

Followed by a crowd of screams.

You quickly get out of the car leaving everything behind, not even closing the door. All that runs through your mind is him.

Is he okay?  Is he hurt? I need to find him. I need to call 911. A series of thoughts and questions erupt in your head.

Soon, a herd of people starts running out of the stadium entrances, still screaming in fear.

Abruptly, what seems like a machine gun fires rapidly.

You feel dizzy, not knowing what to do. You hold onto the side door of your car, knees already feeling heavy. Everything looks like a blend of watercolor paints.

Until...

It all melts away.

Then, all you see is black and white. The same black and white you lived through in your early years of life. The faces of the terrified people are all dull shades of grey. Your knees finally give out as you fall to the concrete ground, tears blocking your field of vision, causing everything to look like one big gloomy dark cloud.

Shortly, police sirens are heard and they come hurling into the stadium, shouting orders.

You stay put, too stunned to get up as you weep into your hands.

He is gone...

[Present day]

"Welcome to Cafe Noir, may I take your order?" you ask in a monotone voice with an even duller face. For the past two years since the incident, you've given up on everything. You have dropped out of college and stopped your degree in international business. Now, you work at a cafe bistro, living in a small two-room apartment, everything looking as gray as ever.

"A hot chocolates please...Y/N," the young man says with a bright smile, dimples forming, as he looks at your nametag, "Why do you look so down?"

You don't answer as you write the order on a cup and start to make the drink. Usually, there is someone there to help you out but today, not many workers came in.

Without paying much attention, you tilt the kettle full of hot water a little too roughly, causing some boiling water to spill on your hand.

"Oh, be careful! Are you okay?" the man asks as he peers over the counter. You wince as you quickly shuffle to the sink to rinse your hand under room temperature water for a few seconds. Then, as if nothing has happened, you return to making his drink.

Finally, you finish the order and hand the man his hot chocolate.

"I'm sorry for the delay," you apologize and lightly bow your head. He takes it in his hands but doesn't leave.

"No problem. You got hurt, it's understandable," he replies, blowing on the hot chocolate, "Is your hand alright?"

"Yes, thank you," you say nodding again. A silence falls in between you guys. You're about to walk away and clean up a bit around the counter before the man stops you.

"My name is Jaehyun by the way, nice to meet you!" he introduces himself, holding out his large hand. Hesitantly, you take it in your's with a slight shake before withdrawing. This causes him to chuckle. After the introduction, he still remains standing there, waiting for something.

"And you'r- Oh right, I already know your name," he says, knocking the side of his head with his free hand. A small smile cracks upon your face, but it quickly disappears. The man, Jaehyun, is tall, with soft features but chiseled points. He has messy dirty blond hair and the cutest dimples. Any girl would falter at his looks. However, you're still mourning over your boyfriend's death, not being ready to move on yet.

"Well, I'll see you around Y/N!" Jaehyun says as he waves goodbye and walks towards the door. Still looking back at you with a smile, Jaehyun accidentally walks right into the door as someone on the other side pushes it open. The hot chocolate flies out of his hand and towards the ground.

Surprisingly, you giggle at the situation. Normally, you would groan or sigh in annoyance if someone spilled their drink, having to clean up the mess. But this time is different. His actions are...cute.

Jaehyun's hands hastily aim for the napkins dispenser, pulling out a handful of them. He tries to clean off the door as he apologizes to the stranger, who walked away. You watch him desperately try to wipe the drink away. Customers in the cafe stare at him weirdly, as well as people walking by. Since he did help clean up the mess he has made, you decide to make another hot chocolate for him in the meantime.

As he stands up from his spot by the door, you appear behind him with a new cup of hot chocolate in your hand. He turns around, slightly jumping at your sudden appearance. You hand the warm cup to Jaehyun and flash a small smile.

"Oh no it's okay," he says, pushing the cup away from him. You slightly roll your eyes.

"It's the cafe's rules: if you accidentally spill your drink, you get a refill," you lie, wanting him to take the offering, "Besides, you helped clean up, so thank you for that."

His dimples reappear as he grabs the cup. Jaehyun reaches into his pockets and takes out his wallet. You shake your head and softly push his hand down. Your hand makes contact with his, which causes the both of you to blush slightly.

"A refill is free if you didn't know," you say with a light chuckle. This may be the most you've smiled in the past two years. You reach for the door handle and open it for Jaehyun.

"So that you won't walk into it again," you joke as he walks out the door, laughing, then out of view. You bite your lower lip as you walk back to the counter. Did I actually smile and joke right now? What is happening?

You slightly shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts.

The next customer steps up to the register as you ask for their order, which was also a hot chocolate. You smile to yourself thinking about Jaehyun. As the hot chocolate exits the machine, you do a double take. What seems like the color brown from what you remember flows out of the machine. You rub your eyes, not believing what you just saw. You glance back into the white cup and inside, is a light brown liquid.

It can't be... Am I that tired? Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me?

Days pass as Jaehyun becomes a regular customer at the cafe. He talks to you often and the both of you got to know each other more, as he always sits right at the counter.

Every time, he orders a hot chocolate and every time, the same color brown appears.

It isn't just your eyes deceiving you. You might've found your new soulmate.

The more you talk and hang out with Jaehyun the more colors you start to experience again. First, brown, then red, and pink, and yellow. But you still can't see all colors, since there's still a lot of gray spots in the world.

One day Jaehyun musters up the courage and approaches you during a particularly uncrowded day at work.

"Y/N? I know we haven't known each other for the longest time, but I want to get to know you more. Do you think we can maybe...I don't know...hang out...outside of this cafe?" he asks shyly, playing with the rim of his hot chocolate cup. It takes a second for you to gather your thoughts because on one hand, you actually really enjoy his presence but on the other, you're afraid of moving on.

But when life gives you lemons, you go on a date with them, right?

"Hang out as in friends hanging out or...hang out as in...a date?" a smile teases your lips.

"A date - I mean! Up to you, whichever you would like."

"A date it is then."

His pretty brown eyes light up and his milky skin seems to be gleaming. The usual dimples forming as he smiles widely.

"Really? Okay! I'll swing by after your shift later?"

"Sounds great."

Jaehyun claps his hands as he runs out of the cafe, almost crashing into the door for the second time.

Soon, it's 5:25 pm as you take off your apron and hang it up in the break room. Your shift ends at 5:30 pm this evening. You sit down at a small table and wait for Jaehyun to arrive for your date.

As the clock strikes 5:30 pm, Jaehyun enters the bistro, with a bouquet of flowers with the colors of red, pink, orange, yellow, and the rest are still gray. Even though you can't quite recognize all the colors of the flowers, you still love them.

The both of you stop at an ice cream shop before heading to a nearby park. It's the perfect spot to see the sunset, you remember coming here often to relieve stress and anxiety. Jaehyun leads you to a bench that perfectly faces the scenery, with the sun setting and the trees calmly blowing in the wind. You still can't see most of the colors of the sky or the trees, but you bet it is a wonderful sight.

Jaehyun scoots closer to you but not too close so that you still had room to move comfortably. He looks down at his hands, fumbling them once again. It seems like he's thinking about a lot of things in his head. You slightly turn towards him.

"What's wrong Jaehyun?" you ask, tilting your head to the side. He looks up at the view in front of him.

"All the colors...aren't they beautiful? I've never seen them before," he responds, staring at the sky. You gaze at him for a moment, enjoying the view of his handsome face, before turning towards the sunset again. You'd much rather look at his face than the sunset, mostly because Jaehyun is the only thing all full of color you can see. As Jaehyun keeps gaping at the view, you move closer and place your head on his shoulders. He tenses up for a split second before relaxing his muscles. It takes everything in him to reach for your hands and hold them tightly.

"Yeah, it really is a beautiful sight," you reply, while a pearled tear rolls down your cheek, as all the colors of the world burst into the sky, creating a lovely mix of watercolored paints.

"Do you see those colors, Y/N?" Jaehyun asks again in his most comforting voice. You simply nod, too amazed by the vibrant colors of the sky that you once thought you’d never witness again. 

You watch the line where the heavens kiss the earth. Your wide eyes observe the vivid gleaming collision of the sunset. Twinkling stars soon spark up the sky as the firey star of the day descends further behind the seam of the world. You glance behind your shoulder, seeing your shadows slowly shrinking towards your feet. You look back to the horizon, only a few bright streaks remain, before the illuminating moon rests upon the sky.

The sun has set.

[velvet-roads]

Like a Virgin: Chapter 1

I attempted to post this a year ago and It has taken me that long to finish all 30 chapters. That’s right, you have 30 chapters coming your way. This was supposed to be a one shot but putting my heart in it made it longer.

This is all pre season 12, I am in denial about Crowley (I am sure I’m not the only one). The fic is a female readerXcrowley. 

Warnings: none

Word Count: around 3,700

Below I listed the music i was listening too that sparked my ideas (it’s an all over the place list. 2 songs per chapter) and the wardrobe I created for the reader. Again, I put my heart in it and got carried away. =)

Playing Cop:  Hunter 's Outfit: 

Music that inspired me (Spotify): Fear by Stop Making Friends/ Pauley Perrette and Electric Worry by Clutch.

 

     “Hi, Agents Tyler, Cooper, Morrison; what do you got?” Going down the line Dean introduced himself, Sam and you to the local Sheriff.  You all flashed your badges like it was second nature. In actuality, it was for Sam and Dean. You, not so much. It was still weird having to don a dark grey power suit and black stiletto heels as part of your "work attire”. You were not really that fond of the bureaus dress code but getting to play cop was sort of fun.  

     This was the third field case you had worked with the boys since they had saved your ass from a wendigo 6 months ago. You would usually get stuck on research duty and were only allowed to help on the easier cases. It's not that you were a bad hunter but you were really new to the whole hunters' lifestyle and were still in training. The other reason was because of how tiny you were. The boys were convinced that you were more fragile than necessary because you were just over five feet tall on a good day. You looked more like bait than a standard hunter.  Regardless of your green horn status and small stature, the boys thought this instance was one you could live through. After the sheriff scrutinized your badges with hooded tired eyes, he decided that they met his expectations.  

     “The victim's name was Sarah Lake, she was taken some time either Tuesday night or early Wednesday morning. Her friends say that she was up late that night studying in the library for an exam. She never made it to the test Wednesday afternoon and no one has seen her since.”  As the Sheriff spoke he had an expression that was a mixture of exhaustion and sadness. It was a common expression found on college campus law enforcement. The local PD would usually get a lot of crap to sort through during the week when it came to colleges. They would get calls from kids thinking that they were being funny while drunk, occasionally a serious call that ended up being a prank, and sometimes a call like this; not an easy job.  

     You and the boys walked over to the girl's gold Ford Focus where the Sheriff was standing next to the broken driver's side window. It was still morning so you could see the sun shimmer on the shattered glass making it glitter in the light. Mentally you chuckled to yourself as you looked the car over because this was defiantly a collage girls' car. From the Bath and Body Works scent clip attached to the visor to the Hawaiian flower sticker in the back window. There were cars like this all over Kaplan University. It made sense why it took a couple of days to notice something was amiss. With that many cars around one broken window isn't that noticeable.  

     “I will let you three take a look around and see if there is anything I may have missed.” With a tip of his hat, the Sheriff trudged off back to his squad car probably to down more coffee.  

     “How many girls is this now?” Dean let out a low growl on the word 'now', clearly getting frustrated that you guys had another missing girl.  

     “This is the third one in a week. Whatever is taking these girls isn't messing around.” You let out a deep sigh as you summarized the body count and walked over to the passenger side door opening it. As you leaned in and started to look around, Sam stuck his head through the broken window and took a deep breath.  

     “Well, no sulfur smell, so I think we can rule out a demon attacks. Plus, this abduction pattern is specific to just girls.” With a perplexed expression Sam removed his head from the car and walked to the trunk with Dean, leaving you to rummage throughout the car cabin. Dean displayed the case files of all the missing girls out on the trunk so he and Sam could have another glance at all three of them.  

     “What do we know that connects all three girls?” Dean asked out loud not expecting an answer. Sam grabbed the campus information and began to read. It didn't look like there was anything that connected them. One girl was an exchange student from Europe, another was a sorority brat, and the last girl was just a normal run of the mill student living in the dorms. None of them were even taking the same classes.  After rifling through a few more papers Sam got an interested look on his face. There was a list of emails between the victims. Scanning through some of the conversations that he found, it became clear the girls did in fact all know each other.  

      “Well,” Sam said while holding a piece of paper up to Dean’s face; “It looks like all three girls did know each other. They were all part of a club called Modern Maidenhood here on campus.”   

     “Great,” Dean stated with an irritated tone in his voice; “a coven?” Sam let out a breathy laugh at his brother, 

     “Try again Dean.” As if in a cartoon, Sam could almost see the light bulb come on over top of Dean’s head.  

     “Virgins?” he asked in surprise; “freaking virgins?” Dean let out a small sigh and shook his head, “sorry ladies, you got a raw deal.” He moved back around to the broken driver's side window and stuck his head inside. You were still looking around the seats when you heard your name.  

     “Hey, Y/N. We figured out how all of the girls are connected. They are all virgins.” Dean looked at you waiting for a response or some sort of joke but you said nothing. You were somewhat surprised at what he just told you; mostly because you and these girls had something in common and the boys had no clue that virginity was your secret. As Dean relayed the new information, Sam appeared next to him watching you through the window. You stopped digging around the car for the moment and returned their gaze.  

     “Well, what do we know that likes virgins?” You asked trying to quell the slight panic that was running through your mind. Lucky for you, the boys didn't notice. The three of you just stared at each other while going through the mental files you all had of the monsters you battled or read about. You spoke first.  

      “Well, we know that the alpha vamp you guys came across liked to keep at least one around because she was considered a delicacy.” You said the word ‘delicacy’ as if it had left a bad taste in your mouth. The thought of blood drinking was quite unappealing to you. “Also, we know that dragons tend to favor them but you said that you guys haven't seen any since Eve.” you added.   

     “Yeah and we know it isn't that Vesta bitch, we ganked her a while ago, plus she didn't go for just girls.” Dean said. The three of you discerning that you did not have enough information decided that it is better to just keep digging around the crime scene and then more later at the bunker. Just as the boys retracted from the window you felt something in-between the seats. You reached down to grab it and pull it out. It was a cheap fake gold necklace chain with a small gold bow pendant and you were willing to bet anything that it came from Forever Twenty-one (could this girl be anymore cliché?). The clasp was broken like it had been ripped off.  

     “Hey guys, I think I know what we might be up against.” You said as you held up the necklace for them to see. Sam took the evidence out of your hand as you stepped out of the passenger side and shut the door.   

     “A vampire wouldn't care about a fake gold necklace,” he looked at both you and Dean knowing you were all thinking the same thing; “however, a dragon would.”  The three of you let out a heavy sigh at the realization that you are most likely hunting a damn dragon. Sam stuffed the accessory in his pocket and you all returned back to the sheriff who, like you suspected, was drinking coffee in his squad car. The boys told him that if they come across anything new that they would give him a call and that they expected the same courtesy. Getting back in the Impala, you headed home to do some more digging. Luckily the university was only about 100 miles from the bunker which meant you would only have to listen to Sam and Dean argue over tunes for 2 hours, it could be worse.   

     After getting home you, all went your separate ways; the boys usually went get a beer and you had to get out of that god-awful suit. You weren't even in the bunker 5 minutes when you heard a crash from the kitchen. 

     You were in the middle of changing your clothes when it happened. Upon hearing the commotion, you threw open your door and ran down the hall with your knife in your hand. You stopped at the door frame to see what happened. Three pairs of eyes turned to look at you standing there in nothing but one of Dean’s old dark red flannels, a pair of black underwear, messy hair, and a knife. Realizing that there was no attack happening you noticed and extra body in the room; Crowley. A scarlet shade overtook your face as all three of them looked at you. Dean, trying not to laugh at your state and doing a horrible job, bent over and picked up the beer bottle that he had dropped when Crowley surprised him unannounced. Crowley looked you up and down, as a cheeky smile formed on his face.  

     “Hello, Darling.” he said in that sexy accent of his; “If I would have known this was how you were going to greet me I would come over more often. However, I would prefer that you put the knife down, love.” You turned away before your face could get any redder or hotter. The last thing you wanted was the boys and the King of Hell to know that you were harboring a crush on the demon. You met Crowley very shortly after moving in with the boys. So, you have known him for almost 6 months. He wasn’t around all the time but when he was around you had a hard time fighting with your feelings. You wanted to like him but a human and a demon was a bad idea. Your interactions with Crowley were short and usually full of innocent flirting and quippy banter, but each meeting made you feel for him a little bit more.  

     Running back to your room with your shame trailing behind you, you threw on a pair of grey motorcycle jeans, your black leather cuff, your black biker boots, and buttoned the shirt you were wearing the rest of the way. Taking a moment to regain your composure and letting your face get somewhat back to its normal color, you left your room to go confront your demons, well demon actually.  

     Upon entering the kitchen, you went past all three of the guys and straight for the liquor. Crowley made you nervous, and not in a bad way like being in a room with the King of Hell should; damn him. After pouring yourself a glass of courage you turned back to the boys; Crowley was watching you intently, no doubt enjoying the fact that he embarrassed you and saw you half naked. Sam walked over to the counter where you stood and asked if you were OK. You gave him a single nod as you took a sip. From the dining table Dean spoke, breaking the awkward silence that you had accidentally created.  

     “Crowley, can you please explain to me why the hell you are here?” He asked pretending to be more annoyed than he actually was. Crowley and the boys had a history, a messy one, but one nonetheless.  

     “Squirrel, I am hurt. Did you not miss me?” Crowley always knew how to get right under Dean’s skin, which is probably why he always flirted with you.   

     “No, not really. Again, why are you here?” Dean’s tone was a lot more demanding this time. He didn't necessarily hate Crowley but he definitely didn't trust him. The demon started to pace a bit, his expensive leather shoes shuffling slightly as he walked. He sauntered over to you and grabbed himself a glass of whiskey as well. You tried desperately to keep yourself together as you nervously drank your liquor. He observed that you were slightly flustered and he studied you intrigued. Before leaving the counter and turning back to the middle of the room, he took a sip and gave you a wink that would have made even a nun question her sexual morals. Damn he was adorable. Addressing all three of you he finally responded to Dean's query.  

     “I assume you have heard about all of the recent abductions?” He eyed the three of you waiting for a response. You all gave a curt nod showing that you understood and that you were listening.   

     “And I assume you know what you are hunting then?” This was more of a statement than a real question. He knew that you all had some idea. This time, you spoke.  

     "We are betting on a Dragon." You said, shrugging your shoulders slightly, you took another sip of your drink and waited for him to speak again.  

     “That’s right love, you are hunting a dragon.” Sam instinctively scooted closer and draped an arm around you after seeing that Crowley was gawking. There was nothing romantic between you and Sam, he was pretty much your brother, but he was very protective.   

     “We know what we’re hunting”, Sam said still keeping you close to himself, “but that still doesn’t tell us why you’re here.”  Crowley surveyed the room. He was stalling. You could tell that he wasn't looking forward to his next sentence because he looked down at his drink and swirled it a bit before answering.    

     “I need a favor from you three.” Crowley almost wasn't able to finish his sentence before Dean stood up from the kitchen table where he had been seated. Dean placed his arms tight against his chest and moved over to you and Sam. You knew at this point he was quickly losing his patients with The King of Hell.  

      “So, what exactly does the all mighty King need from us?” The older Winchester's reply was dripping with sarcasm and Crowley could not help but roll his eyes in return. Crowley swallowed another sip of his whiskey, making a slight face because it was cheap stuff, and purposefully drug out his answer because he knew it would piss Dean off. As you watched the exchange you had no luck quelling your small smile. It was so easy to get at Dean.    

     Finally, the demon spoke; “I happen to know that the big daddy dragon is in town.”  The three of you looked at him in surprise and curiosity as he continued. “All of the kidnappings are happening at his request. I want you to bring me the alpha.” He took another sip and waited for a response. You all ogled at each other in surprise and suspicion. You were shocked because up until the Purgatory mayhem dragons had been gone for 700 years and as far you knew the boys had only managed to kill one. After that they were not seen again. Crowley, however, was the sole reason for suspicion. You could tell that he was leaving out some information. What did he want an alpha for again?   

     “What exactly do you want with an alpha?” Sam asked the question you were all thinking.   

     “What does it bloody matter? You bring me the alpha and there is one less dragon to worry about.” Crowley looked at the three of you clearly exasperated at your lack of compliance. Even though you carried a torch for the King of Hell you knew better than to trust him fully, he was a cut-throat business man first and foremost.   

     “Crowley, you don't seriously expect us to believe that you are giving us the whole story, right? We all know you better than that.” You crossed your arms against your chest like Dean. You may be small and new to this whole hunting thing but you were smart. You knew that Crowley liked to occasionally 'forget' the fine print. He looked at you in fake shock and placed his hand over his heart as if you had just shot him.   

     “Dove, you wound me.” He smiled as he talked to you. With a small grin, you rolled your eyes and shook your head slightly in response. Seeing you and Crowley act so casually with each other made Sam tighten his grip on your shoulder. Crowley’s smile faded as Dean cleared his throat to get things back on track and to get the King of Hell to stop bantering with you.   

     “You got me. I happen to know that the alpha is planning to take out as many of my people as he can, possibly me as well. Kansas is just the first stop.”  The three of you stared in confusion at one another then looked back at Crowley. The demon put his fingers on the bridge of his nose and pitched it taking a deep breath, clearly getting irritated that he had to spell it all out for you. “There is a spell...” he started to explain but he didn't get much farther than that when your confusion lifted and was replaced with understanding.  

     “Do you remember when you told me about the time that you got arrested by the real FBI and you guys were stuck in the prison while all of Lilith’s minions were trying to kill you?” You asked, turning to face the boys.  There was an air of excitement in your tone because you knew something they didn't. One of the benefits of always getting stuck on book duty was that you had read up on a lot of creatures, and a lot of the boys' old cases that Sam had transcribed. They both looked at you and nodded solemnly at remembering that horrible day. “Ok, do you remember when Ruby told you that there was a spell to destroy all demons with in a one-mile radius?” You didn't have help carry their thoughts much farther than that before things clicked for Sam.  

     “She said she would have to have the heart of a virgin to do it,” Sam said finishing your thought. The three of you then turned to look at Crowley.   

     “Glad to see we are all on the same page now. Gold star for you, I am impressed, love.” Crowley's eyes lingered on you a bit longer than necessary and you tried to hold back a blush as he continued. “Now, he is going to keep gathering up as many virgins as he can in the hopes of wiping out any and all demons off the earth. I want you to bring him to me so we can have a little chat and then I will kill him. This is personal.” The kitchen was silent as the three of you contemplated the job. Obliterating all demons was not as positive as it once had been. Having Crowley and coincidentally his army on your team (most of the time) had paid off more than once. But of course, Senior 'Shoot first and ask later' didn’t care. 

     “No deal.” Dean made the statement stepping forward like a proud captain. “I don't plan on being Hell’s bitch again any time soon.” Sam looked at Dean then back at Crowley. The boys had worked for Crowley before and it didn't end well.  

     “I agree with Dean, it’s not a good idea for us.” Sam loosened his grip on your shoulder and went to stand next to his brother in support. You stayed where you were for the moment really thinking things through. Thinking was something you did more often than the boys. You liked to weigh and measure the situation. You felt the King of Hell’s gaze on you, he knew that you gravitated towards reason when it came to dealing with the Winchesters.   

     “I will help you on one condition,” as you spoke, Sam and Dean eyed you with shocked expressions, their hands dropping at their sides in exasperation that you were not agreeing with them. “We will help you get the alpha. You work with us, we don't work for you. Once we eighty-six the alpha we go after whatever dragons are left, together.” While compromising, you moved from the counter to stand next to your adoptive brothers. The boys didn't say anything because they were still surprised at you. A sly grin inched across Crowley’s features. Not only did you manage to get the King what he wanted but you also stunned the boys into silence.  

     “I like you pet, I think these boys should listen to you more often.” You refused to give him any inclination as to how much you liked getting his approval and him calling you 'pet'. Instead you pretended that you hated it and found it offensive.  

     “Don't call me pet, I am a hunter, not some play thing.” You tried to muster up as much venom as you could in your words but it was difficult to. Crowley smirked and threw his hands up in mock surrender and then turned back to the two brothers who now were beginning to resemble statues with their mouths set in disbelief.   

     “Lads?” He asked with a raised eyebrow and a cocky twitch of his lip.  

     “Fine.” Dean made the statement with disdain and a set jaw.   

     “Crowley if you put one toe out of line....” Sam started to add a threat on to Dean's answer but Crowley beat him to it.  

     “I know, I know, you kill me;” The King responded sarcastically, “Well then, where should we get started?”    

[welivingindreams]

Compilation  0f 2013

29 November 13

1st dream: Jill since experience 2nd dream: hug Jill 3rd dream: Jill come to my store with an old skinny man to buy air pump

24 October 2013

Having an outing and eating at kopitiam Bangkit with ITE friends. They happily ate and they all wanted to go to another place. I ask if anyone saw my shoe and Shahidah told me that Dina threw away my shoe. Angry and frustrated, I canceled my plan and went home . On the way home I saw my family going on vacation. They told me to meet at the place while I went up and packed my things. A lady went in the lift with me and we talked. The lift went to B1 but it didn't open. I told the lady if reached already tell me. So she alights at level 4 and the lift continues to reach level 9. A guy came in and asked my name. The lift went down again! I was so angry because the guy should let me go to my room so that  i can change and go take the bus. So I drove back to a bus station and  halfway saw my sister. She told me that my family left the hotel and said she had to go back and she left me for her bus. The bus stop at a parking lot so i alight   because I saw Mak Usu while walking in saw Wak's family and Syidah were kissing with her boyfriend then i saw Mak Usu and my family they ask why im not on the holiday I told them hotel fully booked and dad say Wak's room still have vacancy.

22 October 2013

Ending my class and I need to write something . The GGX  left me behind so I walked with Mr Soo, he told me he lost his sister while traveling. And his sister lost him in the market. We had a good talk until we reached the staff room. I saw the dance teacher was scolding elisa(?) and Atika and she in great pain

30 September 2013

In some mafia countries (Mexico or what), newbies in that place are placed in the opposite site from the other group of gangsters. I Got close with this cute guy who was always left out. We were Having a break and I wanted to eat. The handsome and cute boy asked if I wanted to go tour around the place. At first I hesitated. But then we went together. Then I ask them " why are both of you feeling so warm?".  The cute boy is having fever and they argue. After a few turns in the tunnel, I needed to use the toilet. We went to a boys toilet when I was done and I saw a tragic accident. But I acted like nothing happened so I told them I’ll meet them outside. I waited outside the toilet but the aisle was too small to wait. So i went to another side trying to get back the entrance but there was a gunshot between this lady and another group. The girl from another group saw me and she chased me and I ran back to the toilet. I got to the wrong aisle and got injured. The handsome and cute boy manage to saved me and we went back to Singapore

19 September 2013

Ariz went in the same class. He was in my room in JB. We were fooling around then I went to the toilet with Syahidah, to the boys toilet. The toilet needed to pay fine because it was being flooded. I use the toilet until the boys come queuing and I haven't even worn my underwear! Farhan was there. When i went out all of the boys tried to catch me. Ariz save me with a bicycle? We went to a condo. At first we planned to go Mak Usu house but no one there so we went to Ariz cousin in the condo. It happened that Mak Usu was there with Aisyah. My whole body was shaking and there's a cat curling upon my toes.

18 September 2013

I rode on a scooter with Izzue. We were “married” but he didn't tell his wife. His reason is because that I will always be by his side

13 September 2013

1st dream: 

There's a war in Singapore and Malaysia. Nowhere is safe

2nd dream: 

I just gave birth to a baby in JB house, someone is after me for my baby which happens to be like his baby? Like the baby I gave birth was his. I was also being hunted by a lady. The lady and her husband, they already had a son. So I have no choice but to run. I ran and escaped through the back gate where there was a security guard. He didn't even know me when I asked for help. So I continue to run from the backyard which happens to have an MRT station. I had no money for the train fare but I know I have to go to Bedok because the lady will definitely be going to Bukit Panjang and Yishun to find me. My Sister in law has a new house  and i was afraid to ask her for help because I am afraid to risk her new house. I was afraid that she got bullied by that group of girls which wanted to rob me.

12 September 2013

Going for an exam but already failing the exam before I even start the paper. Dream of going for o level again but Business Environment (BEV) module!

1 September 2013

Was walking with my siblings and we were being followed by Ibu's friend. Amin got bribed by the monkeys like he was hypnotized to follow them. I had to run after him to save Amin

31 August 2013

Eating with Izyan then called Mr Soo to ask to change venue. Very sleepy and took a cab but didn't know where to go. Wanted to call Izyan but was using a monopod to call, not clear find phone and charger to Call Izyan. she asks a man to give directions but it's very far i cannot hear. Get out of the cab & run away from the cab. Go inside the shops and take the stairs nearby. The cab driver say say don't hide and I  saw 2 vampire

29 August 2013

(Short dream before the date)

1st Dream:

Going to an open house in a classroom setting met Munah and Hirzi. They were tired but they still layan people around.

2nd Dream:

Dream about going to the Italian style town but it's actually the aisle behind our Beijing hotel with Khairina

3rd Dream:

Wanted to buy a burger and was queuing behind a thai boy. The boy was attached to me and I had to get him a student visa. After we finished we took a car and the boy started to drift. Then we stopped and met another boy. He was an Ustaz but i run away from him and conclude that Dandelion is a fish

4th Dream:

Was in GRPS but in a lecture hall. Had a bad stomach Ache and was so afraid to tell anyone Mr Soo asked if anyone wanted to go break with me. So when Erina & Amelia come to class we  walk to the canteen together. Half the building is in renovation. I said Yuan Dao eat pork sandwich with Nasi Goreng

I then met an indian lady who said I can cure my "cramp". In order to cure, I have to swallow RM50 & drink it with water and stone. After drinking the RM50 I am not allowed to drink any water. After the recess ended, we went to buy prata at a bookshop. The scene relocated to a civil defence place surrounded by MRT like Fajar - Bangkit station and we toured around the store and went to the store owner's office. He live in the office

We went back to class and it looked like an Ultraman space room. Syahidah turned on the light and got scolded by the leader. After that we must wait for abg Salleh to go in the room to have some quiz. Until the end of the dream, the money that i drank was still in my  throat

5th Dream:

Last night I dreamt that a lady in white with red lipstick & red nail polish finding me. I peed through the peephole and saw her face. I was so scared and I ran out of the house! Ironically the lady is outside of my house! I woke up on whatsapp! Zahra & Amelia having random nightless text. The next dream was, I was  driving to some hospital. The weird thing is I drive! And at the hospital I meet my mom's supervisor who happens to work at the hospital and has a patient ? The hospital was hit by a storm or flood and water was filling up everywhere and the place look so old !

6th Dream:

Yesterday I dreamt my left foot middle toe broke! Totally detached ! And I only notice it when I bend down. I still can "put it back", there was no bleeding at all ! Like when you cut the chicken breast there's no blood ! So I am supposed to go to the hospital because in my dream I have diabetes ! Like my uncle who recently cut his legs due to diabetes. But I ended up in my primary school. The situation is like Hogwarts being struck by Sirius black ! But the school is being attacked by GHOST ?!?!?

7th Dream:

The day before yesterday I dreamt about my sister in law, brother in law. I was excited because my niece & nephew were coming here but in my dream the brother in law also came! And he brings the whole family from grandparent to great great nice !

[travelingtheusa]

NEW YORK - I had saved my NY postings so here they are.  The rest are lost.

29 Aug 2020 (Sat) – We went to church today to attend a memorial service for June Wertz, a friend of ours.  Her husband, Bob, invited us to join their travel club some years ago. One of the members of their club had passed away just before the small group was going to camp out at Wildwood State Park.  They invited us to take his camping spot.  During the 8-10 years we camped with them, it was always on Long Island. The members were all up in years and didn’t go off-Island to camp.  It was a fun group and I wish we could have known them in their younger, traveling days. At any rate, we certainly enjoyed the time we spent with Bob & June and the rest of them.  

     Miranda and Kenny had a serious incident yesterday.  They were at KFC when they noticed smoke coming from the engine. They popped the hood, looked around, and opened the radiator cap.  Both of them were scalded, Kenny pretty badly.  They are monitoring his condition to determine whether his burns are bad enough to seek medical help.

 28 Aug 2020 (Fri) – I drove to Ronkonkoma to visit with my cousin, Claude, today.  He has been experiencing medical issues for a while now.  He has gone from 220 lbs. to 175 lbs.  He is looking old and sick.  I fear for his well-being.  I visited for about an hour then the nurse came in to see him so I left.

     Paul spent the day repairing the steps to the back deck.  He poured some concrete at the base a few days ago and had Caiden put his name, date, and footprint in it.  

 27 Aug 2020 (Thu) – I drove out to Southampton today.  It was almost an hour and a half drive.  When I arrived for my 10:30 a.m. appointment, the receptionist told me I was scheduled for 11:30 a.m.  The dentist didn’t get me in until almost 12 noon.  I was seeing him for a consultation.  He is an endodontist who specializes in root canals and oral surgery. He didn’t see anything that needs immediate attention.  Furthermore, he said that he conforms to the recommendations of the American Dental Association and doesn’t believe that metal in the mouth or root canals are inherently bad.  He suggested that I leave everything as it is unless I am in pain.  It was a disappointing consult.

      I stopped at CVS to pick up my prescriptions from the dermatologist, the neurologist to get copies of the test results for my records, and at Shop Rite for some groceries.  I got home in time to put everything away and turn around to make my 4:00 p.m. appointment for physical therapy.  That was also a somewhat disappointing experience.  I was brought in, asked a bunch of questions by someone who said she was a physical therapist, and advised that I would get some exercises to do. Today’s appointment was just heat and stimulation.  An aide put the electrodes on my foot and wrapped it in a hot towel.  She said the therapist would be in to turn on the stim. After 15 minutes, I flagged down a passing therapist to see if she could find the gal that was supposed to turn my stim on.  After 5 minutes, she came in and said she thought the aide would turn it on.  They seemed very disorganized and uncommunicative.   I am scheduled for physical therapy 3 days next week.  We’ll see how that goes.

     When I came out of the office, I crossed the street to pick up a few things at Best Market that I didn’t get at ShopRite.  It was a full day of running around.  Whew!

 26 Aug 2020 (Wed) – I went to the dermatologist this morning.  The oncologist told me that the chemo can cause skin cancer and to get a skin exam once a year.  So, here I am at my one-year check.  The exam went well and I was given a clean bill of health.

     At 1:50 p.m. I went to see the orthopedist that I was referred to by the podiatrist.  I have an interstitial tear in the Achilles heel fiber, not the tendon.  There are three ways to handle it – by physical therapy, by surgery, or by an experimental program that takes your blood, mixes platelets with it then injects it in the injury site.  Insurance will not cover the cost.  I opted for physical therapy.  He gave me a script and I made an appointment with a nearby therapist.

     We went out for dinner to Texas Roadhouse.  The food was good.  We forgot our leftovers.  That must happen at least half the time we plan to take leftovers home. Aaaarrgh!  

25 Aug 2020 (Tue) – No doctors today!   I ordered dulse flakes from Amazon.  Travis called to ask for help.  He was turned down for a rental because a credit report stated they had been late on their last 8 mortgage payments.  This is incorrect.  I went on the webpage and saw that their payments were on time.  Samantha called Equifax to correct the report but was told they only reported what the mortgage company gave them.  She called the mortgage company and was told Equifax had to correct the record.  A big, fat bureaucratic run around!

    I spent a good part of the day on the phone with the mortgage company trying to get a letter that simply stated that their payments have been on time all year.  The last agent I spoke with told me they are restricted in free-form correspondence because of a contract they have with USAA.  They can only send certain forms.  He did offer to send a transaction record that showed all payments were made.  Unfortunately, it does not say the payments were on time.  

    In the meantime, I was trying to get an appointment with the dentist and getting a refill for Paul for a medication.  I finally landed an appointment with the dentist for Monday and the doctor’s office placed the refill order directly with CVS.  I did get to finish burning one box of records.  Only 5 more to go!

     Travis called later and told me he offered to pay one year’s rent up front and was waiting for the rental agent’s reply.  He’s got a job offer and the new boss said he would look into putting the money up until Travis sold the house.  If he does that, Travis better give this guy 110%.  He doesn’t know Travis from a stranger on the street and is willing to put up $23,000?  We will see.

     Miranda and Kenny went out tonight.  I offered to watch Caiden so they could have a date night out somewhere. It isn't much but I’m sure they haven’t had a chance for private time since this whole COVID-thing started. Kenny’s mother and grandmother are keeping their distance and they have no other childcare set up.  

 24 Aug 2020 (Mon) – We went food shopping this morning.  I did laundry in the house.  At 1:45 p.m., I left for an appointment with the biological dentist in Manhasset.  On the way there, the office called to say the dentist was running late and to come in at 4 p.m.  So I detoured and stopped at Sherry’s Market in Babylon.  I wanted to pick up some barley grass juice powder and dulse flakes. They did not have the dulse.  The clerk said I might find it in Wild by Nature down the road in West Islip.  So I drove down John Street and into the strip mall.  They had dulse granules but no flakes.  Not sure if that was OK, I didn’t buy it.

     Finally, it was time to stop dawdling and drive to the dentist.  I got there at 3:50 p.m. and called the office to let them know I was there.  They told me to come right up.  I didn’t wait 10 minutes (BIG difference from last visit) and was shown into the exam room.  The first dentist, Dr. Golden, popped in while Dr. Blum was reviewing my 3D scan.  They discussed my case and what they recommended I do.  Then they sent the money gal in.  She described the procedure they would use – do a root canal on two teeth and put in ceramic posts with a bridge.  Giving me a discount on the bridge, it would only cost $12,000.  I could buy a frickin’ car for that much money!!!  I told her I would think about it and left.

     I called my sister to see if I could get in to see her biological dentist.  She gave me his number but the office was closed. I’ll have to call them tomorrow.

 23 Aug 2020 (Sun) – We went to church this morning.  Everyone is still wearing masks and the pews are roped off to keep people distanced from one another.  After church, we gathered up most of the stuff we have been collecting for the yard sale and brought it back to the church.  They are trying to have an outdoor thrift shop sale on the front lawn. We don’t know how that’s going to work. It was all clothes they had outside and anyone shopping would lift the clothes to look at them.  Now they’ve been touched.  What next?

     At 3 p.m. we drove to our friend’s house, Bob.  He used to be my brother’s father-in-law (before they got divorced). Bob managed an A&P store in the day and he catered many parties.  Any time he’s making a meal, it’s worth going.  He’s a great cook.  He made ribs, roast potatoes, and corn on the cob.  We had a very nice visit.

 22 Aug 2020 (Sat) – We gathered up Caiden and drove to my sister’s house. Susan is celebrating her 65th birthday today.  As expected, Caiden never wanted to get out of the pool.  Our brothers, Dennis and Chris, also came to the party.  We gave Denis some old baseball cards we found in the back room during our clearing out maneuvers.  He seemed to be pleased with the gift (his birthday is next week).  It was a fun day.

 21 Aug 2020 (Fri) – We went to the Oconee Diner for lunch then took a ride to Target to get a few things.  We picked up some clothes for Caiden and ourselves.  After we returned home, we spent the rest of the day cleaning out the back room.  I burned more military records.   Thirty-one years of military history – GONE!  Up in smoke!  I was surprised to see that I had every pay record I ever got during my service.  

 20 Aug 2020 (Thu) – It was a confusing day at the cardiologist. First, Paul went to the office for a 9 a.m. appointment only to be turned away.  They said he had an appointment at 3:45 and I had one at 2:30 p.m. When he got home and told me, I stated that the office had called yesterday and confirmed the 9 a.m. time. I also had my appointment time entered in my calendar as 2:15 p.m.  Just as we were perplexing over these times, the doctor’s office called to say he was called to the hospital and they had to reschedule our appointments.  We managed to get us in at 11:30 and 11:45 respectively. That ensured we got in together.

     The doctor was prompt and entertaining.  He checked us both over.  Reviewed our bloodwork and tests and declared us in good health.  My cholesterol is a little elevated so he wants to see me back in 3 months.  If the numbers are still up, he will put me on a drug (he thinks).

     We drove over to Travis & Sam’s tonight for dinner.  Turned out we had to buy the dinner (surprise!).  We stopped at Chili’s and picked up 6 meals then drove to Trap’s where we enjoyed our dinner together.  Travis got a job offer at a construction company in North Carolina. They will also help them to get into a rental home.  It sounds very good.

19 Aug 2020 (Wed) – I went to a biological dentist today to get an assessment of all the dental work in my mouth.  I have been reading several books about alternative medicine.  One book by Dr. Simon Yu states that disease is the result of 4 causes.  The three top causes are dental problems, heavy metals, and parasites.  It was 2 hours before the dentist came in to see me and we spent an hour talking about the research and alternatives.  She sent me to get a 3D x-ray to see if there are any infections in my mouth.  Although there was no “pathology,” she did identify 4 incomplete root canals.  She recommended I see the surgeon in the office. I made an appointment for Monday.

     On the way home, I stopped by Sherry’s Market, a health food store in Babylon. It was expensive!

 18 Aug 2020 (Tue) – I went to the neurologist this morning to get all the electrodes disconnected.  I tried to schedule a follow up visit with the doctor but his earliest appointment is October.  How do you discuss what they found with all these tests?  

     I drove to East Islip to the podiatrist’s office to pick up a copy of the MRI report stating I have an interstitial tear in my right foot.  The receptionist offered to call the radiology office to see if I could get a copy of the MRI pictures.  Then I walked over to their office and got the disk.

     Paul spent the day working around the yard.  I spent the day burning files.  I have so many military files to burn.  How in the world did I get so many in my possession???

 17 Aug 2020 (Mon) – I went to the neurologist this morning and was wired up for a 24-hour EEG.  They attached 23 electrodes to my head and 3 to my chest.  I have to wear a machine to register brain activity for 24 hours. All this just to reassure Paul that I am OK and can go hiking in the woods again.

     When I got home, Paul went food shopping.  I was NOT going out with all the wires hanging off my head.  When he got back, we had lunch, then went to work on getting rid of old files and boxes.  I have tons of old military books and material that has to be burned.  It can’t just be thrown in the garbage.  I sat in front of the fire pit for 2 hours and only got through 1 box.  I have 5 more to go.  

     Ford called to say they replaced the fuel pump on the truck and everything seems to be alright.  I took the rental car, drove Paul to Sayville Ford to drop him off, drove to Islip Airport to drop off the rental car where Paul picked me up and we drove back home.

 16 Aug 2020 (Sun) – We borrowed Kenny’s truck and drove to church this morning. It rained all day.  We spent most of the day inside watching TV or working on the computer.

 15 Aug 2020 (Sat) – Spent the day working around the property.  Kenny went to work at 4 and I went into the house to watch Caiden.  He came out to the camper and had dinner with us, then we went back inside and I gave him a bath.  We had a pillow fight and played with his transformers.  He finally went to bed at 9 p.m.  I think that is too late for a 6 year old but his parents are night owls and I guess he’s becoming one also.

 14 Aug 2020 (Fri) – The tech from Sayville Ford called and said the diagnostics was telling him the truck needs a fuel pump.  No amount of arguing that the last service station messed something up. We finally authorized the part. Maybe they can get to it on Monday. Ugh.  

     Miranda’s truck was finished at 4 p.m.  Turned out to be the alternator.  I was going to take the rental car since we have no vehicle but I let her take the truck to Philly given the cruddy condition of her truck. We weren’t sure it would make it there and back.  It really is on its last legs.

     We were supposed to ride out to Indian Island to join the Long Islanders for camping this weekend.  Since we don’t have the truck to pull the camper, we will miss the campout.  This was very disappointing.

 13 Aug 2020 (Thu) – Miranda’s car suddenly gave up the ghost today.  It was clicking, wouldn’t start, and all kind of diagnostic warnings were flashing on her dashboard.  She was able to drop it off at the service station.  This is really bad timing because she is preparing to go to Philly this weekend to coordinate a concert for her camp.   We looked around and was able to reserve a rental car just in case the car isn’t back tomorrow.

     Paul and I rode our bicycles to Best Buy this afternoon.  It’s been giving me trouble and there’s some kind of program on there that we didn’t load in but keeps trying to update drivers.  I had them take it off.  They were very understaffed and the tech wasn’t really interested in working with me on anything else.  I had wanted help in getting videos off the computer.  I’ll have to wait until things get back to normal.

     Paul took an Uber to the cardiologist this afternoon for a stress test.  They injected him with something and then put him in an MRI machine.  He said it was quick and easy.

 12 Aug 2020 (Wed) – It was a quiet day all around.  Paul picked up the truck.  Not only was it making the humming noise, but the dashboard was lighting up like a Christmas tree!  Low fuel pressure!  Low engine pressure!  The service station told us they couldn’t find anything wrong and the noise was gone. Boy, were they wrong.  Paul called Sayville Ford and we were able to get it into the service bay today.  Hope they didn’t break the engine.  L

 11 Aug 2020 (Tue) – I went to the radiologist today for an MRI of my right foot. We worked around the property, cleaning out old files and boxes.  Sent out for pizza for dinner.

 10 Aug 2020 (Mon) – Paul brought the truck back to the service station this morning. They kept the truck and dropped him off back at home.  At 1 p.m. I went to the doctor for an echo cardiogram.  I had to borrow Miranda’s car to get there and back.

     We called the service station at 3:30 p.m.  The tech told us that they had to call a friend at Ford to ask about the fuel pump.  The guy told them they had to replace the entire assembly, not just the fuel pump. Paul was annoyed!  I think we will have to make sure in the future that (1) only Ford does the work and, (2) that the mechanic is a certified diesel mechanic. Hopefully, we will get the truck back tomorrow.  They were going to send out for the item, which will cost us over $400.  This is after already being charged $170 to put the fuel pump on before they broke it.

 9 Aug 2020 (Sun) – We went to church this morning.  I think it was the most people we’ve seen there since we came back.  Everyone is still wearing masks and there are seats roped off.  Hand sanitizer stations have been set up around the building.   They announce that the thrift shop will open for 2 hours on Sunday afternoon in an outdoor setting.  That means folks attending the service will be asked to help bring things outside and set up, then take it back downstairs when done.  I hope it works.  The thrift shop is a major revenue source for the church and it has really been hurt with the closure.

     After church, we went to the Clamside Bar & Grill at the East Islip Marina. The waitress was soooooo slow.  Paul ordered Belgian waffles and they came out cold. My food was lukewarm.  He sent his waffles back.  The next service was also cool.  Paul wound up not eating his meal.  It was a disappointing experience and we probably won’t go back there for a while.

 8 Aug 2020 (Sat) – We gathered up Caiden and drove to Sue & Bill’s for the day.  The day started out overcast but the clouds soon cleared away and we had a delightful day in the pool.

 7 Aug 2020 (Fri) – I went to the neurologist this morning.  The first test was a Neurotrax.  It was a cognitive test to see if I’ve had any brain damage from the TGA back in March.  Following that, I had an EEG.  A technician glues 23 nodes to your head and then has you sit in a chair with your eyes closed most of the time.  He flashes a light on your closed eyes, then says “Open Your Eyes” for like 30 seconds then close them again.  Weird.

     Paul has been working hard in the yard, cleaning up after the storm.   The oblivious neighbor did a stupid thing.  A tree in his yard came down into our yard. It was straddling the fence with the root ball in the neighbor’s yard and the tree branches supporting the tree in our yard.  The neighbor brought his chain saw out and cut the tree.  No longer balanced between the tree branches and the root ball, the tree crushed our fence.  

     I went to the podiatrist today to check out the painful lump on my Achilles tendon. The doctor took an x-ray and said I have a bone spur that could be causing the problem.  She also criticized my flip flops, saying I needed more support for my feet.  She gave me some heel inserts to wear in a closed shoe.  She also sent me to the radiologist to get an MRI.  I made an appointment for Tuesday.  

6 Aug 2020 (Thu) – Paul brought the truck to the service station to get it inspected.  When he got back, he complained that he could hear a humming from the fuel pump.  That happened to us once before.  A non-qualified mechanic had tried to mount the fuel pump on the rail and broke it.  Apparently, a certified diesel mechanic needs to do the job.  Paul called and was told to bring the truck back in on Monday.

     We brought Bonnie to the vet at 2 p.m.  The ultrasound shows she has some abnormal liver issues.  The vet wants to do a biopsy but Bonnie has to get a blood test first to see if she has a clotting factor.  If so, then she can have the biopsy.  If not, then we can’t do it.

 5 Aug 2020 (Wed) – I had a check with the nurse at the cardiologist’s office today.  They wanted to check and make sure there were no problems with the loop recorder.  She said I had a bit of a reaction to the medical tape but everything looked OK.  I should just let the tape fall off when it wants.

     After the doctor, I brought some containers to Travis.  He is now in contract on his house and beginning to pack things up.  I brought him 9 containers.  Then I drove to Sayville and met my sister, Susan, and her daughter, Shay, for lunch at Cornucopia.  It is a kind of health food supermarket with a great deli counter where we all ordered lunch.  We then sat outside to enjoy our meal.  Following that, we took a walk along Main Street, looking in the shop windows.  When we came upon an India shop, we went in. Susan & Bill follow the religion of Ashananda and the shop owner had been to one of their meetings out in the Hamptons.  She spoke for a while with the clerks (the shop owner wasn’t there).

     We went over Trap’s tonight to sign the contract for the sale of their house. Since we are listed as co-owners on the house, we have to sign the contract as well.  While there, Trap dug out the chain saw for Paul.

 4 August 2020 (Tue) – Things have been so busy and technology has been so challenging that I have not been able to keep up with the blog.  I have an appointment with Best Buy on the 13th. Hopefully, that will get things back on the road.

    Let’s see. I have been to the cardiologist and had an internal cardiac monitor (ICM) installed in my chest.  It is a device that tracks heart activity and at night, when I am sleeping, it uploads the day’s activities to the doctor’s office. It’s been 5 days and the site still itches like crazy.  Ugh.

    I had to go to the lab and get a COVID test before getting the ICM installed. The nurse stuck a Cutip so far up my nose that my eyes teared.  And I had an earache for the rest of the day.  That dam thing was painful!  I will not do that again.

     We took Caiden to Sue & Bill’s last Wednesday.  Their daughter, Shay, and her boyfriend, Pat, are up from South Carolina. We all swam and munched on delicious vegan foods.  It was fun.

     I went to the doctor’s office to see what is wrong with my heel.  The PA saw me (the doctor was busy).  He thinks I have a cyst on my Achilles tendon and referred me to a podiatrist.

      Miranda was back in Pennsylvania this weekend so we watched Caiden a good part of the time when Kenny wasn’t working.

     We got to visit with Travis & Sam yesterday.  The baby is walking pretty good now.  He’s always so happy.  He immediately lights up when he sees you and waves his little hand hello.  Trap got an offer on the house and we signed the contract with the realtor.  He’s a little freaked out.  They have now signed a contract to sell their house.  They have to be out in a month.  They want to move to South Carolina but neither of them has a job or a place to stay.  In addition, they’re not going to be able to keep as much of the money from the sale of the house that they had counted on.  The realtor gets $16,400 alone!  Wow!

     Today, Paul had an appointment with the dentist.  This was a follow up to checkups we had two weeks ago where the dentist found a cavity.  He went in to day to get it filled.  Afterward, we went to WalMart to pick up a few items.  Later in the day, Tropical Storm Isaias blew through.  Another tree from the neighbor’s yard came down across our fence.  Also, one of our trees came down and landed on the deck.  It just missed the roof and back doors.  This was dejavu!  Same thing happened last year when we were here.  Paul will have to dig out the chain saw.  The entire neighborhood is digging out.  Two trees went down on Saxon Avenue, the next block over, and the road was closed.  Thousands of people were without power.  We lost power on and off all day long but not for very long.  Our neighbor a few doors down had a tree go down and take all his electrical lines with it.  The fire department came and cut up the tree and pulled it out into the road.

 25 July 2020 (Sat) – We went to Nicky’s on the Bay for lunch.  The tables were spaced apart.  Lots of them were out on the deck.  All the wait staff was wearing face masks.  Our waitress was very slow and unsure about herself.  She might have been new.  While we were eating, a waitress came running through the restaurant asking if there was a doctor, an EMT, or a nurse in the place. Apparently, something happened at the marine fuel site out on the deck.  We couldn’t see what happened but an ambulance did roll up.

     The cost of the meal was very high.  It don’t know if it is because Nicky’s is a seasonal place and is trying to make its money during the summer or if they jacked the prices up because they can’t have as many people in the place. Either way, it was over $60 for a wrap and a sandwich.  Ouch!

 24 July 2020 (Fri) – Finally!  A day with no doctors.  Whew!  Paul got up early and took the truck to WalMart to get an oil change.  He said it looks like WalMart is going out of business.  The shelves are all half stocked.  If you stop to think about it, they get most of their products from China. The pandemic has affected shipments worldwide.  In addition, the U.S. is angry with China for keeping the Coronavirus a secret and has instituted sanctions against them.  WalMart must really be hurting.

     After Paul got home, we went to Home Depot to get a container.  One of our two batteries went bad and Paul bought two new ones.  Now he wants a container to put them in to keep the area more organized.  Home Depot didn’t have much of a selection at all. On the way out, we stopped by the tile area and picked out a tile to do a backsplash in the bathroom.  We couldn’t decide, so we picked up three samples to see which we would like best.

     When I was entering the costs into the budget, Paul discovered that WalMart charged him for the oil that he actually provided.  So he got in the truck and drove back to WalMart to get his $12.47 refunded.

     Miranda is teaching in Pennsylvania again this weekend.  They took Caiden into Queens to stay with his grandmother. Kenny borrows his mother’s car so Miranda can take their car.  I will miss Caiden.

 23 July 2020 (Thu) – Today was my visit with the oncologist.  It was so disheartening!  My appointment was at 4:15 p.m.  I checked in then after a brief wait, a tech brought me into an exam room and took my vitals.  Thank goodness; no blood draw.  Then I went upstairs and checked in with the receptionist.  I waited about a half hour before the doctor’s admin assistant came and led me to the exam room. I sat there for another half hour before the nurse came in and went over my case.  He spent a lot of time complaining about patients calling and asking for visits or pain medication when they should be going to their primary care physicians.  Then he asked me who my PCP was.  I felt like it was some kind of criticism.  Was I supposed to be going to a different doctor?

     The nurse left and it was another 20 minutes before the doctor came in wearing a face mask and a full face shield.  He seemed detached and didn’t really hear my complaints.  He said the medication sometimes causes blisters on the palms of the hands and the soles of the feet.  Was I having any of those?  He also said the medication can cause AFIB and that the cardiologist should check me for that.  It seems like every visit to the oncologist results in him telling me something else that can happen with this chemo therapy.  He seemed preoccupied and in a hurry to get out.  I felt like I got the bum’s rush.  I came home and started crying.  Which is kind of stupid because the CT scan shows that I am responding to the medication very well.  All the lymph nodes are continuing to shrink.  So what’s my problem?

 22 July 2020 (Wed) – I went to the Good Sam Sleep Center this morning.  I had to sit in the parking lot and call the office to tell them I was waiting.  They called me when the previous patient was done.  When I walked into the doctor’s office after checking in, he excused himself and began to dictate the results of his visit with the previous patient.  He stated the patient’s name, the issue, and his diagnosis, all in front of me.  Hasn’t he been briefed on this whole patient privacy thing?  I thought that I should probably step out of the room but with the whole COVID thing, they don’t want people wandering around unsupervised.  When he was done, I told him that I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 15 years.  The cardiologist recommended I do a sleep study because poor sleep can affect heart function and weight.  The doctor said we probably wouldn’t find anything but said he would do the study anyway. How encouraging is that???

 21 July 2020 (Tue) – I went to the eye doctor today.  I arrived at 9:30 a.m.  When I checked in, I found my appointment was for 10:45 a.m.  It looks like I made the appointment while we were in Alabama and my calendar recorded the appointment as central time, not eastern time.  So the clerk sent me to sit out in my car till it was my turn or the doctor became available sooner.  They called me at 9:50 to come in and brought me right to a test station where they blew air into my eye.  Then she took me to an exam room where I sat for over a half hour.  The doctor came in, put drops in my eyes, and said I am developing glaucoma.  Come back in six months.  Then he was gone.  No discussion, no explanation, no anything.  I complained about some eye discharge and irritation so he prescribed an ointment to put in my eye at bedtime but, again, no explanation or discussion of what the problem is.  It was a very annoying visit.  The doctor was very dismissive.

     Paul put together a 3-minute video of upstate New York.  I posted it on You Tube then contacted SMART with the link. They posted it on the website next to the description of our New York caravan.  

     I went in at 4 p.m. to keep an eye on Caiden while Miranda went to the store. Paul is still grousing about yesterday’s argument.  I have to find a way to get him to lighten up.  Ugh.

 20 July 2020 (Mon) – I had a CT Scan with contrast today.  I dropped off a urine sample for Sheba at the vet, then drove to Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  I checked in at the front desk and asked if my doctor or his nurse was available to see me.  The receptionist said she would contact Dr. Rodriguez and see what he said.  I then went into the imaging area and had the CT scan. That’s such a weird test.  They inject an iodine based solution and it gives a flushed, very warm feeling in the back of the throat and in the crotch. It feels like I wet myself.  The test isn’t very long and I was out of the machine within 10 minutes.

     I returned to the front desk to see about the doctor.  The receptionist said Dr. Rodriguez would change my telehealth appointment for Thursday to an in-person appointment or I could see someone in triage today.  I said I would meet with the doctor on Thursday.

     I got home to find Paul working around the RV.  He was installing a switch for the water pump in the bathroom.  The switch on the main panel stopped working some time ago and Paul installed a switch down in the basement.  That has turned out to be somewhat inconvenient so he moved the switch up into the bathroom.  That should work better for when we have to use the onboard tank for fresh water.

     While we were outside, Paul and Miranda got into a nasty fight.  That was very upsetting for me.  Then we left and went over Travis’ house to help him with some projects.  He has finally gotten an offer for his house and the inspector will be over on Thursday. He wants to clear up a few little things before the inspector arrives.  Paul and Travis worked on repairing a leak in the kitchen sink and on the thermostat for his burner.  I played with the boys then we all enjoyed a meal that Sam prepared.  It was a pleasant evening.

 19 July 2020 (Sun) – We didn’t think Caiden would be able to sit for an hour in church with a mask on so we didn’t go.  At 11:30 a.m. we drove to the Bayside Clam Bar for brunch.  Afterward, we walked along the boardwalk and looked at all the boats in the marina.  There was a dog at one end that the owner let go down on a little spit of sand.  Caiden climbed down and followed the dog around. We took his shoes off so he could step in the water.  The dog was an older black lab and very friendly.  Her name was Sandy.

      After our meal and walk, we returned to the house and I watched Caiden while Paul worked around the house and yard.  Kenny got home at 7:30 p.m.

 18 July 2020 (Sat) – We got Caiden at 10:30 a.m. and then drove to Sue & Bill’s house in the Hamptons for a day of swimming in the pool and barbecuing. Despite the fact that I put sunscreen on Caiden twice, he still burned.  So did I.  His mother will never let me take him to the beach again.  Aaarrgghh!

     After we got back, I stayed with Caiden until his father came home at 10:30 p.m.

 17 July 2020 (Fri) – We both went to the dentist today.  The chairs in the office were taped off to ensure adequate spacing between patients.  It only left 4 chairs to use.  The secretary took our temperature and went through a checklist (like the tech did yesterday).  Then we had our teeth cleaned and xrays taken.  I got an excellent rating; Paul has a cavity and has to come back to get it filled.

     We went over Trap’s to visit.  We picked up dinner at Chili’s and brought it to the house.  Travis was working on painting the counter top in the upstairs bathroom.  They are trying everything they can think of to sell their house.  They’ve had lots of lookers but no buyers.  The real estate market is so hot today, I can’t figure out why the house hasn’t gone.  His in-laws put their house on the market and the first visitor bought the house for $5,000 more than they were asking.  The only stipulation was that they had to be out in 30 days.

     Miranda’s cat was showing some kind of neurological issue today.  It was walking against the side of cabinets like its left side was weak and it couldn’t stand by itself.  Miranda contacted us while at Trap’s and asked about bringing her cat, Liath, to the vet.  We hurried home to help but the vet said it was not life threatening and to wait until Monday to bring her in.  Miranda was concerned because she is leaving tonight for Pennsylvania and will not be back until late Sunday.  I promised to keep an eye on the cat.

 16 July 2020 (Thu) – We both went to the cardiologist today.  I was doing a follow-up to my “incident” in March. Paul went because he has hypertension and should be seen by a cardiologist.

     When we arrived, we were met at the door by a tech who asked us a bunch of questions about where we’ve been and who we’ve been near.  He took our temperature and then let us pass.  We walked in and was processed by a clerk.  Then we were brought back to the exam room.  The PA came in, went over our medical histories, took our blood pressure, and did EKGs on both of us.

     Then the doctor came in.  I liked him instantly.  He is young – in his late 20s/early 30s.  He was upbeat and very friendly, touching elbows as a form of hello.  He thinks I had a TIA and felt the neurologist was wrong to think I had a TGA.  He recommended I get an EEG, an ambulatory EEG, and have a loop recorder inserted in my chest.  He feels it is possible that I have atrial fibrillation (AFib) and the recorder will measure my heartbeat and send messages to the office.  I would wear it for 3 or 4 years!  I said I had to check that one with my oncologist.

      Then it was Paul’s turn.  The doctor referred him for a nuclear stress test.  He also recommended that Paul resume taking the baby aspirin every day (he stopped a year ago because of a medical report that said baby aspirin didn’t help to prevent strokes.  

 15 July 2020 (Wed) – We worked around the RV until 11:30 a.m. then we took Sheba to the vet.  It was over an hour in which the vet’s office displayed confusion and chaos.  First, I called to say we were outside for our appointment.  About 20 minutes later, one of the vets came out to gather information then went inside. Ten minutes later he came out to get Sheba.  Again, the office was not able to get through to my phone and the vet came out to tell me to call them.  I called and spoke with Dr. Thode.  She took blood and gave Sheba shots.  Dr. Thode also said the blood results were back for Bonnie.  She has round worm and a low liver value.  She prescribed medicine for the worms and recommended an ultrasound for the liver.  After waiting 10 minutes, I called the office to see what was happening.  They were just finishing up and would send Sheba out. The vet brought Sheba out, went over the highlights of her exam, and said the office would call to get payment. After another 15 or 20 minutes, I called to make the payment.  The clerk took my card number three times because the machine wasn’t working properly. Then the vet tech came out with the paperwork.  Paul asked about the medicine for Bonnie.  They forgot it so she went back in to get it.  She brought it out but stated they had forgotten to charge us for the medicine so I had to call again to give the credit card number.  They brought the receipt out along with the stuff to get a urine sample from Sheba.  We left but I got a phone call about 10 minutes later saying they forgot to charge us for the bloodwork they did on Sheba so I had to call back again and give the card number again.  What a debacle!

     Late this afternoon, Caiden came knocking on the door.  He came in and played for a while then I made dinner for the three of us. He ate a small part of his meal but seemed to enjoy it.  I brought the left overs into the house for Miranda and Kenny, or to keep and reheat for Caiden tomorrow.

 14 July 2020 (Tue) – I had an appointment with the neurologist this morning. This was the same doctor that found the tumor in my mother’s brain 36 years ago.  He has gotten very personable over the years.  I liked him very much.  He said the incident I experienced in March was most likely Transient Global Amnesia (TGA).  Just to be careful, he recommended three different tests but stated that he doesn’t expect to find anything.  Apparently, a TGA can happen at any time and never happen again.  Or, it can happen again once or multiple times.  If it happens many times then you would have to get checked for seizure activity in the brain.  Luckily, I have not had any problems since that one time.

     I played with Caiden a little tonight.  We didn’t get much time together but it was still fun.  He loves battle sequences.

 13 July 2020 (Mon) – We took Bonnie to the vet this morning.  She needed a refill on her flea and tick medicine. She got a checkup and a couple of shots. It was so weird.  When we arrived, we called the office and were instructed to stay in the truck.  After about 20 minutes, a vet tech came out.  He took down Bonnie’s information and reason for her visit then went back inside. He came back about 10 minutes later and took her inside.  We sat in the car until the doctor called.  We discussed our concerns and what the doctor found and recommended. Five minutes later, the clerk called to get our credit card number for the bill.  A whopping $950!!!  After about another 15 minutes, Bonnie was brought back out to us.  Then we waited ANOTHER 15 minutes for the clerk to bring out medicine and the bill.  What a pain in the butt.  And we will have to do it again with Sheba.

     Kenny was off of work today, so Caiden stayed in the house nursing his sunburn and playing with his parents.  Paul worked around the yard and I did paperwork.

 12 July 2020 (Sun) – We went to church this morning.  They just reopened after holding services digitally on You Tube and FaceBook for months.  There were about 30 people in church.  We had to wear our masks the entire time and still try to maintain 6’ distance from each other.  They didn’t pass the collection plate.  Instead, it sat in the back of the church and the minister asked everyone to drop their donation in the plate when they left.

    After church, Paul and I drove to the Clamside Bar & Grill at the East Islip Marina.  We both enjoyed a salad.  The day was lovely – sunny, but not too hot, with a soft, balmy breeze blowing in off the water.  The sun glittering on the bay was beautiful.

       When we came home, I gathered up Caiden and he and I went to Heckscher State Park. I figured the beach would be closed but we could walk along the shore, throw stones in the water, build sand castles, and wiggle our toes in the water.  Boy, was I surprised to find the beach open, complete with lifeguards. There were many people on the beach and in the water but they still were all keeping a decent distance between each other.  The water was so warm; like a bathtub.  There was lots of wave action and a delightful breeze kept the heat away.  I did not have a bathing suit so I stood on the shore with my feet in the water, getting splashed well up the legs. Caiden went in and had a great time. Unfortunately, I forgot to put sunscreen on him and he got burned.  His mother yelled at me.  

     When we left the beach, I stopped at Carvel and got Caiden some ice cream. The perfect end to a perfect day.

 11 July 2020 (Sat) – Paul worked in the yard most of the day.  I entertained Caiden a good part of the day.  At 4:30 pm, we went over Travis’ house.  We shared a salad and pizza then spent two hours playing with Noah and Hudson.  The baby is on the verge of walking.  He has very good balance.

 10 July 2020 (Fri) – It was an overcast day with rain on and off. Tropical Storm Fay was pummeling the Jersey coast today but we didn’t get it too badly.  Paul and I went shopping at PetCo for pet food and ShopRite for some groceries.  Boy. Was the grocery store crowded! And we forgot to bring our own bags so the cashier charged us for 3 bags.  Glad we didn’t buy a lot.

     Caiden wanted to come into the trailer so badly today but the weather was lousy and I wasn’t going to put Bonnie out.  Caiden came out and we stood outside in the drizzle talking for about an hour.  Later, I went into the house and we played for about 2 hours.

 9 July 2020 (Thu) – We packed up and left Newburgh at 10:45 am.  It took almost 4 hours to drive down to Long Island. We were surprised with all the traffic on the road.  We came through the boroughs and had traffic and construction that caused us to creep along through congested spots.    

      Caiden was so happy to see us!  He ran out and gave me a hug, then ran back to the porch to watch us park the rig in the driveway.  When Paul had the RV positioned well, I had Caiden help finish the set up by pushing buttons to open the slides.  After we were set up, we visited for a bit and watched him swimming in his little pool. After dinner, I took Caiden to Carvel and picked up ice cream for him and Miranda (Kenny was working and Paul and I are on a diet).  We brought it back home and they enjoyed the treat out on the back deck.

 8 July 2020 (Wed) – Just hung around the campground most of the day.  We did run out to fuel the truck and get ready for tomorrow’s move.

 7 July 2020 (Tue) – We visited with the sales manager here at the campground. We had interviewed him last year and reconfirmed the amenities and costs.  The nightly fee actually went down.  He also promised to coordinate a bus tour into New York City for us.  He offered to pick up our order for bagels and juice and even stated he could arrange a catered meal right here in the campground.

     We came back and did laundry then just hung out for the day.

 6 July 2020 (Mon) – We started out for West Point but would up sidetracked to the Historic Huguenot District.  It was two blocks of old stone houses built in the late 1600s/early 1700s by early French settlers.  The visitor’s center was closed and none of the buildings were open.  We walked up and down the street, admiring the architecture from the street.

     We then continued on to the West Point Military Academy.  The visitor’s center was closed, as well as the tour operations office.  There was no one to ask anything of.  The day was a loss in that regard.    

 5 July 2020 (Sun) – We drove over to the Mohonk Mountain House today.  Thought we’d check them out for the farewell dinner and then take a hike around the area.  Unfortunately, they now have a gatehouse to control access to the place.  They have us a brochure to look at and a telephone number to call but wouldn’t let us go in.  

     Then we drove by another restaurant but they were closed.  No signs on the door.  We couldn’t tell if they were just closed or if they had gone out of business. Cross them off the list.

     We made a quick stop at the grocery store so Paul could pick up milk for his coffee then returned to the campground.  We got to enjoy another campfire tonight.  Two in a row. Wow.!

     We drove into Newburgh and took a stroll on the Walkway Over the Hudson.  It was an old railroad trestle over the Hudson River built back in the late 1800s.  It was repurposed into a level concrete walkway that stretched for more than a mile and a third.  We walked out to the middle, took a selfie, and walked back.  The day was lovely.  There were lots of people on the bridge – strolling, biking, walking the dog. Almost everyone obeyed the signs and wore a mask.  Some people didn’t.  It was very warm and my mask was wet from sweat by the time we finished our walk. It was a good time.

     We drove to the FDR National Historic Site to look over the presidential library and home.  The visitor’s center was closed.

 4 July 2020 (Sat) – We were going to drive to the Mohonk Mountain House today but stayed in the campground instead.  We had a small BBQ and sat before a delightful campfire.  The campground is pretty full with lots of kids. Bonnie is barking at bicycles, skaters, and walkers.  The staff came by yesterday passing out flyers about the pool.  It was going to be open today from 10 to 4.  They were having people sign up for a one-hour block of time.  The pool is limited to 25 people but they were thinking they wouldn’t be able to do that and still have people maintain their distance.  We didn’t sign up.  It seemed better to leave the time slots to the kids.  Normally, they would spend the whole day in the pool.  This is like a tease.  But I suppose it’s better than nothing.

 3 July 2020 (Fri) – Things have been quiet.  We have been running around trying to line up restaurants for the caravan next year.  We are now at the KOA in Newburgh for a week.  

 30 Jun 2020 (Tue) – We pulled stakes at 9:25 am.  It was a white knuckle exercise in getting out of our site.  Paul had to ask the guy behind us to move then he backed up the RV to get out.  Trees and other RVs and yard “stuff” in the area made it impossible to pull out from our pull-through site.  Paul did it perfectly!  He is so good in moving our big monster.  It’s almost like it’s an extension of his physical being.  Just imagine maneuvering 54’ of truck and trailer. I can’t do it!

     We arrived at Shadowbrook RV Resort at a little past 11:30 am (it was a very short drive).  This campground only has 18 campsites for transients.  Again, we’ve been undone by the seasonal campers.  After set up, we drove to four separate campgrounds and all gave the same answer – no room at the inn!  The last campground we stopped at recommended the KOA up on Route 20. We’ll try them tomorrow.

     We drove by the National Baseball Hall of Fame.  They are on a limited opening.  I left a business card and someone will call me back.  I also sent emails to the tour director for the NY Capitol in Albany and the USS Slater.  Communications continue with other venues as well.

 29 Jun 2020 (Mon) – We drove to another campground this morning to check it out.  It turned out to only have 4 available campsites for transients.  The rest are filled with seasonals.  Too bad.  It was a really nice campground right on Saratoga Lake.

     On the way back to the campground, we refueled for tomorrow’s trip and picked up chicken and water.  Bonnie has diarrhea again.  It just seems to be something that she’s going to go through on a regular basis no matter what we give her.

 28 Jun 2020 (Sun) – We left Ticonderoga at 9:20 a.m.  It rained a little in the three hours it took us to arrive at Adventure Bound RV Resorts & Campground.  The campsite we got was very tight while Paul had to maneuver around a parked van, trees, and lawn decorations.  This campground, although very large (over 300 campsites), would not suit our group and many campers are seasonal.  The RV next to us hasn’t been moved in years.

     As soon as we were set up, we headed out. First stop was at Chili’s for lunch.  We both had a grilled chicken salad.  Tummies full, we drove to four different campgrounds.  Two wouldn’t fit the group, one had no one in the office, and the other took our phone number to give to the owner.  It was not a very productive day.  Hope things get better tomorrow.

     On the way back to the campground, we stopped at Hannaford to pick up groceries. It was a nice supermarket.  Why can’t we get any of these grocery stores on Long Island?

 27 Jun 2020 (Sat) – It was a light day.  We just hung out around the campground today.  I made some calls and updated the files on what we’ve collected so far.  The poor wifi service here is maddening!  Even the cell service is poor.  I’m glad we won’t be staying here as a group but I worry the other campground might be just as bad.  After all, we are now in the mountains.

 26 Jun 2020 (Fri) – We drove into Lake Placid today.  It is a small town.  The Olympics Museum was closed.  We decided to have the group explore the museum then go out about the town on their own.  There is a lot to see in this little tourist town.  

     We then drove to Whiteface Mountain.  We wanted to drive up the Veterans Memorial Highway to the peak.  Unfortunately, it was $25 per car to drive up.  I thought that was too much money to go up there and find everything closed (not that there is that much up there to see other than the view).  We turned around and left.  

     Right next to the entrance for Whiteface Mountain is Santa’s North Pole Workshop. We came up here twice with the kids when they were little.  The workshop is still there with the post office that will send off a letter or postcard with the North Pole return address.  The park was also closed.

     We drove to Ausable Chasm, the Grand Canyon of the Adirondacks.  It was beautiful.  We spoke with the sales manager and got information on a walking tour, float trip, and lunch at the center.  It will be a nice touch for the group.  Up the hill right next to the chasm center is the Underground RR Museum. It is in a beautiful old stone building. It was closed but a woman stepped out of the building to speak with us.  The cost to explore the museum is free and the place is very small.  Guess we’ll have the group break up into smaller groups to tour the museum.

     We also checked out two other campgrounds.  The KOA seems like the best option at this point.  It would have been nice to stay at the North Pole Hundred Acre Woods Campground but they don’t take groups of more than six rigs.  Oh, pooh!

     After we got back to the campground, we did the laundry.  

 25 Jun 2020 (Thu) – Well, we learned today why a scouting trip is so important. We left 1000 Islands CG and headed out to Ticonderoga, 170 miles away.  The GPS in the truck tried to route us though Canada.  It would have added 100 miles to our trip!  Instead, we followed the route on my phone.  The trip went through Adirondack Park.  We saw mountains but the elevation never got much over 2,000’.  The roads were narrow and winding and the driving was slow but we got here safe and sound.  The scenery is beautiful with occasional glimpses of the lakes and rivers beside the road.

     It turns out that this campground does not have enough campsites for our group – they are mostly for seasonal campers.  Paul went through a list and found an alternative campground.  In fact, he changed two campgrounds for one and we now have another stop on our itinerary.

    After set up, we drove to Brookwood RV Resort and interviewed the owner for a possible stay there.  They are a very popular campground and she suggested we get our reservations in ASAP. The only thing we don’t like is that we wouldn’t all be together.  Everyone would be spread around the campground.

     We drove down the road to another campground owned by the U.S. Forest Service but it was closed.  We then drove into the town of Ticonderoga.  The Star Trek Museum and Fort Ticonderoga were both closed due to the pandemic.  We walked into a luncheonette across the street from the Star Trek Museum to see about a lunch for the group.  Our group could go to the museum at 10, go to lunch at 11 (it’s a little early but that’s what they want), then take a tour of the fort. The other option is to wait on lunch until 2 pm, which is kind of late.  I don’t like either option.

     As we were driving around, we spotted an old stone chapel in a graveyard.  We parked and went in to explore it.  It reminded me of the Viking church on display in DisneyWorld.

 24 Jun 2020 (Wed) – We drove over to Alexandria Bay this morning.  We stopped at U.S. Boat Tours which I had emailed to ask about a tour of the Singer and Boldt Castles.  We checked at the window to find out what time the shuttles and tours ran.  After getting the times, we decided to have the group go to the Boldt Castle at 10 a.m., come back to town, wander the shops, and have lunch.  At 2 p.m., we’ll have everyone come back and take the tour to the Singer Castle.

     Afterward, we drove around the area, checking out different places.  We also drove over to Wellesly Island and looked at the state parks and golf courses there.  We also stopped by the ice cream shoppe in front of the campground to find out about an ice cream social.  They sell 3-gallon containers of ice cream for $45.  The lady suggested butter pecan as an older person’s favorite flavor.

 23 Jun 2020 (Tue) – We packed up and left Stow at 9:15 a.m.  The drive was easy but took almost 4 hours.  When we arrived, the office was closed (we had checked in online), and a note on the door told campers to proceed to their assigned site. After set up, we left a message for the campground manager asking for a meeting.

     We drove to Clayton where Main Street was under construction and closed to traffic. We had seen a delightful hotel with a restaurant years ago that boasted the original Thousand Islands dressing had been invented there.  Unfortunately, the restaurant went out of business.  We spoke with a manager at Bella’s.  The restaurant was pleasant but she said they did not want to have a large group in to dine during their peak season.  She preferred to cater a meal of assorted wraps, salads and desert and suggested we eat at the Antique Boating Museum.

     We drove past both the Thousand Islands Museum and the Antique Boating Museum. They were both closed.  I sent emails asking about admission and meals. This is becoming very frustrating. Many of the businesses that I have sent emails to have not answered.

     When we got back to the campground, we met with the campground camp host.  Whe was very chatty and gave us lots of information about the area.  I have to follow up with an email so she can share it with the owner.

 22 Jun 2020 (Mon) – We drove to Seneca Falls today, noting the mileage to various areas along the way.  Everything we wanted to see was closed.  The National Women’s Hall of Fame, although the name was displayed on the front of the building on Main Street, is no longer there.  A woman in the visitor center told us it was relocated to a mill across the bridge but the coronavirus had stopped the set-up and opening of the center in its new location.  We drove over and saw that it will be 3 stories high and promises to be a good stop. There is also a National Women’s Rights Museum on Main Street and a couple of houses around Seneca Falls that people could tour if they wanted.

     Waterloo, birthplace of Memorial Day, is next to Seneca Falls.  There is an American Civil War Museum and memorial graveyard in town.  I think it would be appropriate to include it in our itinerary but Paul thinks it is too much.  If so, we will certainly have to suggest it as a stop on their own.

     We stopped at Ventosa Vineyards to see about a group lunch after the Seneca Falls tour.  There is a lovely deck area outside overlooking the lake.  The woman we spoke with suggested we send an email to the catering manager.

     We then stopped at Belhurst Castle.  They have a very attractive stone room with an intimate setting for lunch that also looks out at the lake.  The man we spoke with gave us a menu and suggested we coordinate with the catering manager.  I sent emails out to both managers.

 21 Jun 2020 (Sun) – We packed up and left Bath at 9:50 a.m.  It was only 95 miles to Red’s Twilight on the Erie RV Resort in Macedon, near Rochester.  We arrived about noon.  The office was closed.  Our registration packet was sitting on a table.  As we were preparing to drive to our campsite, the owner pulled up and led us to our place.  She was very friendly and gladly agreed to meet with us later.

     After set up, we cased the campground while walking the dog (it was too hot to let Sheba out – 90 degrees!) then went to the office and sat down with Barb. She said they would give us 10 percent off for military discount.  We were all sitting around the table with our masks on and it got very hot.  I was sweating like crazy.  I sure was glad when the meeting was over.

    We drove into Rochester to the George Eastman Museum.  It was closed.  We then drove to The Strong Museum of Play.  That was also closed.  It is a very large museum and looks like it will be fun.  We then drove to a restaurant recommended by Barb.  It was too far from The Strong to have people walk to it so we will have lunch in the museum then explore the museum.  There is a restaurant inside.

     On the way back to the campground, we stopped at Wegmans Supermarket.  What a huge store!  It had to be the largest supermarket we’ve ever been in.  And it was neat and clean and attractive. Everyone in the store was wearing a mask and the staff was actively wiping things down and making sure everything was sanitized.  

 20 Jun 2020 (Sat) – We drove to the Finger Lakes Boating Museum to meet the Administration Assistant and see the wine cellar where they host catered meals.  It is a lovely room and we are sure the group would like it.  We would probably have the tour of the museum first (there are 3 floors in the museum) then go to the bottom floor for a lunch.  

     After meeting with Nancy Wightman, we drove back to the KOA to meet with the Office Manager.  We sat outside at a picnic table, all in our masks, and discussed what they could offer the caravan next year.  Elaine is pregnant and will be out on maternity leave for a while.  This could cause a problem with coordination but we will see how it shakes out.

     While driving out and about, we stopped at a nearby fish hatchery.  It was closed but they had an observation pool with three kinds of trout in it – brown trout, brook trout, and rainbow trout.  What is weird is that the brook trout is the only native species to the area, yet the hatchery doesn’t raise them – only the other two species.

     We drove around to check out some other places.  There is a VA Center and National Cemetery a couple of miles down the road.  We rode around the cemetery looking at the gravestones.  We also gathered information about other services in the area – RV dealers, hospital, clinic, vets, foodstore, etc.

     We had a campfire tonight.  There is nothing more intoxicating that the smell of a campfire.

 19 Jun 2020 (Fri) – We packed up and left Chautauqua at 9:30.  The weather was good and the drive was pleasant.  We arrived at the Bath-Hammondsport KOA around noon.  They had sent an email asking us to pre-register/check-in.  I did that.  When we arrived, Paul stayed in the truck while I went in.  The clerk confirmed our information and gave us our map and paperwork. This is a lovely campground.  We have been here before and am sure the caravan will enjoy the place.

     We drove around town, trying to find a restaurant to have a welcome dinner in. The three restaurants we chose were all too small and two of them were still closed.  The thirde, the Stone Timber Inn, does catering.  We took the chef’s card and left.  On the way back to the campground, we stopped at an American Legion post and took a look at their hall.  We asked about renting the hall and the bartender gave us the rental agent’s phone number along with the commander’s number.  

     The campground is working hard to ensure people are having a good time, despite the spacing restriction from the coronavirus.  They delivered a packet to make s’mores with.  Folks were invited to make s’mores and post pictures on the facebook page. They also gave us free firewood. It made a delightful fire.  They also had a cornhole contest where people who had the game in their rig wee encouraged to play and report their results.

 18 Jun 2020 (Thu) – We went to the office at 9:30 a.m. to speak with the campground owner.  The doors were locked.  Some guy came out in to the hall, looked at us at the door then went back into his office. How rude!  I then called the office and the owner answered.  We sat at the table outside on the deck and interviewed the guy about the facilities and what he would do for the group. Satisfied, we told him we would send a check and wanted to leave him a book.  He said he was in his office.  When we told him the door was locked, he laughed and said he forgot to open it then stepped out and took the book.

    We drove 20 minutes to the Grape Discovery Center to see what it looked like.  It was closed.  We parked and walked around, peeking in the windows.  It looks like it would be a nice experience for our group next year, so we will include it in the itinerary.

     We found a laundromat in a house (ah, country life).  We put the clothes in the washer then drove to a Mazza’s Winery and had a flight of wines. Then we returned to the laundromat house and put the clothes in the dryer.  We walked around the town of Mayville while our clothes tumbled.

     After we collected the clothes, we drove to Jamestown to check out the Lucy-Desi Museum and the National Comedy Center.  Unfortunately, they, too, were both closed because of the pandemic. This situation is going to make it hard to develop a budget for the caravan.

     Paul located a WalMart and we did some food shopping.  We are starting a diet and needed to pick up all the right kinds of foods.  I just planned 4 days and the frig is chocked full.  I will not be able to shop a week at a time, that’s for sure.

     The check-in time for this campground is 6 p.m. (check-out is 5 p.m.).  We’ve never seen such a late time for check-in. We asked if the owner would put that aside for us when our group comes next year.  

 17 Jun 2020 (Wed) – We left Marblehead, Ohio, at 8:20 a.m.  It was a long drive today so we left early.  The drive was over 4 hours and took us along the lakeshore of Lake Erie, through Pennsylvania and into New York.  The campground looks like it was a KOA at one time. Our campsite is a pull through with a concrete surface.  The campground is on Chautauqua Lake.  The pool, the store, and all group centered places are closed due to the pandemic. You have to wear a mask in the office.

     After set up, we drove into Mayville to meet with the operations manager of the Chautauqua Belle paddlewheeler.  He was a young man who seemed to be coordinating a group tour for the first time. We went over is suggested schedule and agreed on an itinerary.  He will draw up a contract and send it to us.

     Then we drove down the road to the Chautauqua Institution.  It is one of the stops on the itinerary Mike put together and we wanted to look at it.  It’s not very clear why we should take a tour of the place.  It seems like a private community with very lovely homes on the lake. The roads are very narrow and seem to wind aimlessly around the neighborhood.  There is a beautiful old hotel where he suggested we have lunch. We wanted to get some information about the place but the visitor’s center was closed.  I’ll have to send an email.

     We drove to Jamestown and picked up food at Pet Smart.  Then Paul drove up the other side of the lake to the center where the interstate crossed the lake.  We got back to the campground at 5 p.m.

[brenduhjay]

I don’t post or share for likes or popularity. In fact, this is really HARD for me. For this allows people to get a peek into my life without even speaking to me, while others don’t even know me…it’s very invading and I often cringe about it, but obedience is better than sacrifice. These posts are for inspiration and inspiration only…in no way, shape or form do I think I’m better than anyone. And to heighten that, I want to talk about mercy and grace, specifically the mercy and grace that was placed on my life. Yes, God forgives us for our shortcomings, but He is also a God of vengeance and wrath. The word says, they that KNOW the way and DON’T do it will be BEAT with many stripes (Luke 12:47) so it’s almost better that you don’t know God and His will than to know it and continue to do your thang. Welp! I turned my back and did my thang anyways! And so the chastening begins…A few months after backsliding, I was in a car accident on 485, during my sophomore year in college. An 18-wheeler almost destroyed me but MERCY stepped in and instead he swerved and barely missed me. When he swerved, I was hit by a Honda instead. A few months later, I woke up with an oral infection and I couldn’t eat for days. I lost 10 pounds in 2 days. I was taking all kinds of medications and nothing could help. Here comes MERCY again. My pastor calls me and prays for me over the phone. He reminds me to get myself together and to come back to church because God still loved me and that He was going to heal me. By the time my pastor finished praying over the phone, I was HEALED completely. Mind you, I’m still doing my thang and didn’t even go to church to tell God “THANK YOU.” Throughout all of this, I’m still hearing the voice of God while I’m partying it up in Vegas, Puerto Rico, Cancun, Miami, wherever I can get to! Turning the music up louder to tune out that still, small voice I was hearing. I was literally RUNNING from Him. Couldn’t sit still for nothing. I felt like I had to get it all out. So a few months later, I wake up with another pain. This is now my junior year and my leg is swollen and I’m short of breath. I ignore it for a few days, and it’s getting bigger. Come to find out, I had a blood clot in my left leg. Because I waited so many days, it formed two more blood clots–one in each lung. It was final exams and I can remember walking across campus crying trying to make it to class to take my final exam. I had to take many stops. That walk across campus was the worst decision because it put more pressure on the blood clots. I barely made it to the hospital in time…MERCY again. They admitted me immediately and told me had I waited a few more hours, I would’ve died. God does it again and heals me. The blood clots dissolved and I was right back at it. A week after being out the hospital, I was back to turning up and living my life. That wasn’t enough for me. Now mind you, I KNOW why all this stuff was happening to me and I could hear God’s voice the entire time. My friends didn’t know, but I knew. I keep running, and here comes the relocation to Houston, trips to Dominican Republic, Cali, wherever I can go! This time God doesn’t touch my body, but he allows the enemy to hit my MIND. I no longer have peace and I can’t sleep. I would literally stay up for 24 hours and go into the next day with no sleep. He allowed the enemy to torment my mind for months. No one knows this, but that sent me into depression. I was prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I was literally LOSING MY MIND. Panic attacks and every thing. Let me tell you, peace of mind is everything! Can’t nobody give you that but GOD! So slowly I start back going to church (September 2016), but still haven’t dedicated my life back. I knew it was coming, but I had a last few events I had to get out my system. Lol smh. 🤦🏽‍♀️ One Sunday I went up for prayer, and God speaks through my pastor and tells me “I have patience, but I’m waiting for you” I knew exactly what He was talking about. 7 is God’s perfect number of completion. I turned my back on Him Fall 2009. I came back to God October 16, 2016. That’s 7 years exactly….I knew that it was complete for me. Anything else would’ve killed me. Listen, mercy and grace is there but remember you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7) Yes, God is a God of love, BUT He’s also a JEALOUS GOD. He’s a God of wrath and vengeance as well (Exodus 34:14) (Hebrews 10:30) We don’t like to talk about that part. Don’t abuse His forgiveness like I did because we all will pay! I’d rather get it right now, than try to plead my case later when I stand before a HOLY & RIGHTEOUS God. Read this scripture and think about if you want this: “I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh; When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you. Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me” (Proverbs 1:26-28) Don’t let your time run out.

As always, let’s LOSE our lives so that we may be FOUND in Him and ready when He comes. God Bless ♥️

[whiskynottea]

An interruption in the 1st law of thermodynamics.

Previously, Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34

AO3

@theministerskat, there is not much left to say at this point... Thank you!! ❤️

Also, cheers to @notameeksassenach for her tags 😉

Chapter 35. Expectations

Expectations. What a person believes will happen, under certain conditions. The product of probability and value.

The problem with this equation is that values change depending on the person.

Brian Fraser valued the continuation of his business, a stable life for his son to carry on his family name, an admirable career that would give Jamie the foundation for a happy life.

I valued Jamie’s happiness and proximity. I didn’t care what he chose to do, as long as it made him happy and we left Edinburgh together, going to uni and living the best years of our lives.

Jamie, however, valued the feeling of water enfolding his body in the pool, the thrill of a victory, the progress he made every day towards being the best.

Happiness is a common trait, linked to the variables of everyone’s expectations. But there is a different version of happiness in each person, anchored to its own universe.

Our expectations. Our family’s, our friends’ expectations… What we have, what we’d like to have, what we should have in the future. Who we should be.

Life is demanding. And love makes people demanding.

A battle of beliefs – adding weight to our decisions, to our plans, to our lives. Changing the equation’s balance.  

--

Jamie was angry, scared, stressed. I couldn’t imagine a worse combination. He closed himself off and I was sure that he hardly heard my little motivational speech as I was talking to him during the lunch break.

“Listen to me, you bloody Scot. Your father said that you’ll stop swimming if you don’t get better grades. IF.” At this point, I had grasped his hand, my fingers applying pressure against his, pushing my conviction into his skin.

“He doesna understand, Sassenach.” Jamie’s words were strained, leaving barely opened lips. “He thinks I’m fooling around wi’ the swimming when I’m not. Ye ken that.” His eyes bore into mine, daring me to contradict him. “Tis what makes me happy.” His face softened for a moment, before adding, “And you.”

“I know Jamie, but you can’t blame hi-”

“The hell I can’t!” I’d lost him again. He went from vulnerable and open to distant and cold in mere seconds.

“He wants the best for you, that’s why he pushes you,” I tried again, willing the relation between the two strong headed men to be mended. “He’s your father, Jamie, he loves you more than anyone.”

“My Ma would never have done this, make me choose.” His voice broke min-sentence and he fixed his eyes on an invisible mark on the floor.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I wouldn’t let him get caught in that loop of pain and anger. It was easy to blame his dad and idealize his mother. It was safe - no one could prove him wrong. Before I opened my mouth to speak again, Jamie’s ironic chuckle stopped me.

“He never really got it – my Da. It was my Ma who was driving me to the pool every day, who cheered me on, she embraced who I was and my love for swimming. My Da… his mind was always on the business.” Loss and hurt gave way to fury again, and his words came out harsh and hurried. “And now he sees swimming as a distraction, when the only distraction is school.”

At this, I stopped short. I blinked once, trying to comprehend what he’d said.

“What?” It was a single syllable, but it must have carried a load of emotion because Jamie’s face turned abruptly towards me. I tried to be calm, to stop my heaving chest, to keep my pounding heart safe in my chest before it broke in pieces. “Jamie, you can’t really mean that.” My words sounded almost normal – almost. “You need to study, you need the grades, the A levels…” My composure failed me then, the continuation of my sentence silent, grinding against my throat.

Us.

He didn’t want to go to Oxford anymore? If he didn’t care about school, about uni…

“Claire,” he said, voice husky again. “Please, not you too. Not you.”

I shook my head, willing the tears to stay hidden behind closed eyelids, my face straining in pain. I felt his strong arms around my shoulders pulling me tight to him and I swallowed hard, scared of what was to come. A secret buried deep inside him, coming to the surface. “I didna mean it, mo chridhe. Not that way.” I didn’t move or speak, and I felt him take a deep breath, his chest pushing against my own. “I’m sorry, Claire. I dinna want to fuck up with you too.”

I ran my hands over my face, took a step back and looked at him. “So what did you mean?”

He shrugged, running a hand through his messed locks. “I dinna want to stop swimming, is all I meant. I need to focus on training. If I win the Scottish National Champs I might even get to the national team - I checked the times they need, I’m really close. But this doesna mean I dinna want to fix my grades.”

I pushed myself to the side for a moment, tossed my expectations in the trash can and decided to focus on his - all the while feeling a knife going through my heart. But this wasn’t about me. It was about him. His life, his future. His happiness.

I took him by the hand and walked into an empty classroom. It was quiet, the dust suspended in the air, the numbers on the blackboard noting dates to be remembered, important, historical ones. Not like the dates I remembered: when he asked me for my number, when we kissed for the first time, when we went to the cinema on our first date, when I spent the night in his room at Lallybroch, when we made love. I didn’t want to add another date to my list - when Jamie realized that he didn’t want to come to Oxford. And yet, I would - if I had to.

Jamie sat on a desk and I settled between his thighs. His eyes were lost, desperate. “Do you remember when we went to the escape room?” I asked and he looked at me surprised, but nodded his head.

“Before we met the others, we talked about our A levels.” He nodded again. “You said you would take over your father’s business, but your dream was to travel, to write a book. Do you still want to do that?”

Jamie smiled, shaking his head. “Ye do remember everything, aye?” I shrugged in response and let him continue. “I still like studying English more than maths, that’s to be sure. But, nay, I dinna see myself doing that.”

“What do you see yourself doing then?”

“I want to keep swimming.”

“You and Dory from Nemo,” I said, losing my solemn expression for a moment, and kissed his nose.

A silent laugh left his throat and he took a deep breath, but didn’t speak.

“Do you want to go to uni?” I asked, my voice steady. My heart clenched, ready to take the blow.

“Of course I do, Claire!”

A loud beat, the blood resuming its flow through my body.

“To do what?” I asked, making him justify his response out loud. If he didn’t want to face his future, to prioritize his goals, someone had to do it for him.

“Business management.” He said it as if it was obvious, and yet the worst thing in the world.

“Jamie, do you want to take over the family business? I mean… Do you really want to do it?”

Jamie looked away for a long moment and swallowed hard before his eyes returned to mine. “I dinna ken. It’s not actually a choice, Sassenach.”

“Have you talked to your dad about it? Have you ever explained to him how you feel?”

Jamie let out a long breath before a sad smile settled on his lips. “I canna do that.”

“And why is that?” I pushed him.

“He has been planning it for years. It would break him, Sassenach. My Ma and he, they created everything, starting from nothing. It’s his dream to continue the Fraser business, so my parents’ labour wouldn’t be in vain. He wants to leave something behind - for us. A legacy that we’ll take even further. I canna deny him his dream.”

“His dream.” I emphasized.

“Still,” he said it simply and it was all I needed to understand what he meant. He couldn’t let down his father. Wouldn’t, not now. Not before having something more certain as an alternative.

“But you can see yourself running the business?”

“Aye, I can. Tis not that bad, Sassenach. In a way, we try to make people happy, give them pleasure wi’ our products. Maybe give them a smile some time during their day.”

I smiled, thinking of my smile every time I ate one of their shortbread cookies. ”But it’s not swimming.” I voiced the part of his thoughts he had kept silent.

“No, tis not.”

“But would you like to be a professional swimmer?” I asked him, already knowing the answer.

“Ye ken that I want to. But tis not easy.”

“So, since you still don’t know what the future holds for you, you’ll close no doors - just yet.”

“No, I won’t. That’s why I’m training as much as I can. That’s why I’ll go to uni. Wi’ you,” he said and pulled me closer for a kiss.

“You do realise,” I said with a frown when we broke our kiss, “That for this to happen, you have to study and pass our exams. Right?”

Jamie raised his eyebrows, as if the answer to my question was obvious. “Help me wi’ the maths?”

I looked at him and thought that I could easily finish this conversation with a positive answer and a kiss. But I couldn’t. The doubt crept up in me, slowly eating pieces of my happiness. My expectations. “Jamie, is Oxford still your dream as it is mine?” My voice was as light as I could make it sound, trying not to push him towards an answer, to have him make his own decision. “It’s fine if it’s not.”

That knife again, threatening my heart. But I wanted him to be sure of his choice. I didn’t want to force my dreams on him.

Jamie pulled me towards him again, holding me so tight that I could barely breathe. “I didna mean it Claire, about school. I said that out of anger, for my da. For swimming.” His eyebrows furrowed in the absence of my response and he ran his hand along my cheekbone, as if to wipe invisible tears. “Ye do believe me, right?”

“I do,” I whispered, leaning into his touch. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Ye’ll help me then?” His lips found my forehead, lingering there, pressing against my skin.

“I will,” I said and exhaled loudly. “We’re going to have you ready for those A levels.”

“Thank ye, Sassenach. Thank ye for bearing with me.”

“Well, I have ulterior motives, don’t I?” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “I do want you at Oxford with me.”

Jamie chuckled and kissed me, his lips soft against mine. “I dinna ken what I’ve done to deserve ye, mo ghraidh, but I thank my luck every day for that gift.”

“Umhmm,” I smiled against his mouth, trapping his bottom lip between my teeth.

--

Jamie and I got organized. We put together a study plan, never breaking our schedule. Twice per week, I was taking my books and notes and rode to his place in a full teaching mode, determined to fill the gaps he’d created by totally disregarding any maths homework in months.

Ahead of the prospect of losing his swimming training and, consequently, all the meets his coach had planned for him, Jamie set on studying square roots and coefficients of quadratic equations, series and trigonometry. He wasn’t extremely happy for the task, and murmured things under his breath once too often, but he did it.

It wasn’t easy, but we had everything under control.

Not that we were always completely focused.

Not that Jamie hadn’t suggested that for every solved equation we would remove a piece of clothing.

Not that Ian had entered the room at that exact moment, turned red and suggested we’d inform him beforehand if we were actually studying or not. “That’s anatomy, by the way,” he’d said, chortling, as he closed the door, “Not maths.”

Not that Jamie wiggled his eyebrows at me, whispering, “When will we study A level Anatomy, my Sassenach?”

But, all in all, it was going well.

I usually stayed for dinner afterwards, the smell of Murtagh’s famous scrambled eggs or Ian’s spaghetti napolitana wafting into Jamie’s room, and making our stomachs growl. Lamb used to feign irritation with me for leaving him alone, but I could see the small smile on his face, no matter how much he was trying to hide it behind the paper he held.

The day Mr. McMahon asked to see Jamie after class, telling him that he could finally see in him the student he knew all the past years, we celebrated with fish and chips at Calton Hill.

Jamie relaxed and focused on his - now balanced - schedule. He got his confidence back, and was positive that he could win the Scottish National Open Championship and rock his A levels. More importantly, he stopped fighting with his dad over the phone, even though it was clear that Brian still wasn’t happy with Jamie’s training schedule. But at least he was now reassured that Jamie wouldn’t fail his A levels. He’d become the lad he was supposed to be, getting ready for the continuation of his education.

We had more than one reason to believe that Brian would let Jamie stay in Edinburgh over the Easter holidays. During our breaks from studying – when we weren’t extremely busy kissing or making out – we cuddled on his bed and whispered to each other, making plans for the two weeks we’d be all alone. We spoke our dreams softly in the quiet room, our voices floating around before taking shape; cherry blossoms over our heads as we’d walk through the city parks, the buzz of the people in the old town as we’d walk up the Royal Mile, the table we’d set to eat all alone, the nights we’d spend awake, making love. The days too – as Jamie pointed out. Jenny and Ian would go back home and Murtagh would be going to Paris with his mysterious woman. Not that Suzette was that mysterious, but we kept our mouths shut until he finally introduced her to us. She was living in the same apartment building, and it wasn’t that common for Murtagh to go grocery shopping - buying chia seeds for a neighbor.

With so many dreams ready to come true, Jamie asked his dad if he’d changed his mind a few days before the break. Everything was going according to the plan now, and he could stay back to continue studying and training.

Brian, however, answered with a definite “No.” He wanted Jamie to return to Lallybroch and work on the distillery. They would begin the fermentation of their new single malt and he wanted his son to be there. “To get to know things from the inside,” as he’d said.

Our dreams popped in the room, iridescent bubbles that held nothing but thin air.

Jamie looked at me with brooding eyes, unable to talk for a few minutes. “I canna believe he’s doing this to me. I dinna bloody care about his whisky!”

“Jamie,” I said, cupping his cheeks with my hands, bringing his forehead against mine. “It’s alright.”

It wasn’t alright, but I couldn’t make things worse by saying it aloud.

“Tis not alright. I’ve done everything he asked for!” His slumped shoulders sank a bit deeper and he brought his arms around me, pulling me into his embrace.

“You’ve done what you needed to do. For you, not for him. And he was negative from the beginning about you staying back, we should have expected that.”

But we hadn’t, because we fooled ourselves with cherry blossoms and endless kisses.

“It’s two weeks, Sassenach. What are we going to do for two whole weeks?”

I kissed the tip of his nose, his cheekbones, his lips. “We’ll text. We’ll video call.”

“We’ll count the days,” he said and I kissed his pout.

“Yes, that too.” I agreed, my hands leaving his cheeks to run through his silken hair.

His lopsided smile was the last thing I saw before he took my lips in his in a slow, long, burning kiss.

Two days later, I watched the train leaving from the central station and taking him away, his words reverberating in my head louder than any other sound around me.

“I miss you already, babe. So much.”

Chapter 36

[naturepointstheway]

30 Days of Beauty and the Beast Lines Prompts...so far.

At this rate my level of procrastination (”Nah, I can do another one tomorrow...and tomorrow...and tomorrow...”) will mean I probably will finish this by like Christmas lol. Anyway, 23 days so far which isn’t too bad I guess. There’s “only” seven days left, but procrastination...yeah. And combined with minimal feedback (and by that I mean reblogs that aren’t mine--thank you to those who’ve reblogged with commentary whether in tags or otherwise!) especially toward the last few days of this thing, that procrastination becomes too strong. How can I be strong when procrastination makes me so weak?

Beauty and the Beast - Thirty Days of Line Prompts

In essence, this is a thirty-day BatB fics prompts I came up with myself to challenge…myself, and also keep me sane during exam period at uni.

Day 1/30: “You are the wildest, most gorgeous thing I ever met!”- Belle, walking back to her bedroom after a night of reading, comes across Lumiere admiring himself in a mirror. Post-curse.

Day 2/30: “Pouf pouf” - Chip has found a new kitten and wants the prince to help him give it a name. Post-curse.

Day 3/30: “I’m talking to a candle.” - Belle is awoken, much to her amusement, to Prince Adam talking in his sleep. But then it changes into a nightmare. Post-curse.

Day 4/30: “I’m just a traveller seeking shelter from the storm.” - The castle awaits a late newcomer to the castle, one who, according to a letter, has a passion for entertaining and storytelling. Pre-curse, kid!Prince Adam (mother is still alive)

Day 5/30: “A beautiful girl!” - Belle gets a surprise proposal from Prince Adam. Post-curse.

Day 6/30: “What do you say we run away?” - Plumette and Lumiere wile the hours away with non-stop dance as the years of the curse meander on. Plumette ponders on what it would be to run away, pretend all was well.

Day 7/30: “It’s Time to Sparkle” - A dance with a childhood friend brings back a forgotten memory of childhood. Post-curse.

Day 8/30: “The Talking Teacup” - Chip apologises to Maurice for frightening him when he’d greeted him as a teacup.

Day 9/30: “Forever can Spare a Minute” - Adam’s mother tries to hold on as long as she can, even in her final few minutes, praying to see her son one last time.

Day 10/30: “Dinner Without a Little Music” - Adam’s father bans music? I don’t even know. And the single digit number of notes agrees with me–not that great.

Day 11/30: “The Honour was Mine” - Lumiere asks Belle for the honour of a dance between friends. Because dance isn’t just for lovers, it’s for everyone.

Day 12/30: “It has been so long since I have performed…” - Adam and Chip convince Lumiere to redo the “Be Our Guest” performance at dinner.

Day 13/30: “Some of it’s in Greek” - Belle is convinced that if Adam can’t convert Lumiere to a love of books, then she can, much to Plumette’s amusement. (Links to AO3 as not present on blog)

Day 14/30: “Hold still!” - Lumiere learns the hard way that sliding down a bannister outside while it’s very snowy and icy might not be the best idea.

Day 15/30: “I have no tastebuds!” - Chip is laid low with a cold, but he has the company of Belle to read to him to keep him cheered up.

Day 16/30: “Another Petal Fell.” - Adam falls into deep despair and depression in the first few days of the curse.

Day 17/30: “This Castle is Alive.” - Featuring Archaeologist!Belle (modern day), this takes the form of an epistolary, a single exchange of letters. (Links to AO3 as not present on blog)

Day 18/30: “A Diva Needs Their Beauty Rest.” - A series of drabbles on Adam’s fifth birthday. Note the pronoun change so it fit.

Day 19/30: “You have to stand.” - Cadenza wakes up groggy from a fun night of music and wine, to find Garderobe gone.

Day 20/30: “Then it’s yours.” - Cogsworth gifts a book to young prince Adam. Haiku format.

Day 21/30: “You’re the Greatest Hunter in the World!” - Young Prince Adam is very adept at hunting down lions. I mean dandelions. Not actual lions.

Day 22/30: “And bring back the light.” - Cogsworth awakes to what he soon realises is the ghost of young prince Adam.

Day 23/30: “You are very strong.” - One night feasting and wining, Lumiere challenges Belle to see how strong she is by lifting him and/or the prince.