#and then absolutely unrelated to anything whatsoever is the song of the day

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: May 12

"Howlin' for You” by The Black Keys

[kenkamishiro]

Ishida Sui’s Review of 2019

I didn’t think I’d ever finish this with my onslaught of classes including pharmacology, but I somehow managed! 6k word count, the longest TL I’ve done to date besides Parvati’s interlude for FGO. Lots of insight into Jack Jeanne’s production and what Ishida’s been up to for the past year. It was tough to translate because it was so long, but I had a lot of fun.

Let me know if there are any mistakes, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch. Have fun reading!

Original can be found here.

＊＊＊

2019. I’m reflecting on this past year while flipping through my agenda. Since I’m writing this for my sake, there’s going to be a lot of sections without much explanation.

January

○ This was when Jack Jeanne had yet to be announced, so I was mostly doing preliminary work at the time. Stuff like “BU” and “character facial expressions” will be finished some time this month, is written in my schedule book.

○ New Year’s party in Tokyo from the 16th - 19th. The New Year’s party is a joint party that’s comprised of the 4th editorial department (Shueisha’s seinen magazine branch) that’s held every year in January. I attended the party with the staff every year during serialization, minus my first year.

2019 will be the first New Year’s party since the series ended, but I thought I should stop inviting the staff to attend since we’re not working together anymore (plus it’d be a hassle), so I didn’t really invite anyone. But the day before the event, Editor M brought up the topic inside the taxi and asked, “Are none of the staff coming this year?” (Even if they’re invited now, it’s going to be impossible, asking them to fly the next day and causing a ruckus…) When I replied, “Hey, I’m sure it’d be fun if you invited them and they all came~”, the editor contacted Goubaru-kun, and after said, “He said he’s going.” Guess he wasn’t busy. In the end, the staff during serialization and several people from OB and OG came, almost identical to the lineup from previous years, and it occurred to me that maybe I should have just invited them from the start.

Anyway, at this year’s New Year’s party, I don’t really remember much of what happened. I talked with my senpais from back when I was an assistant for Kingdom, and outside the venue I sobered up from the agoraphobic dizziness I was feeling inside. At the second party I remember people talking to me haphazardly and being photographed. I wish I’d refused. Also, I was sexually harassed by Rikudou Matsubara, my senpai from the same region as me. This New Year’s party will be my last.

February

Briefing session for the game held in Tokyo. Key visual created. It says here [on the agenda] that I want to go to Kagoshima. Every week there’s a checklist for 10 km of jogging and weight training 2-3 times a week. I spent about a week doing some composition work. It ended up being helpful for me, but it made me decide not to work anymore with people with different levels of interest from me.

○ TRPG is written for the 28th. Usually we use the DX (Double Cross) system, but this time one of our participating players, M’s schedule was under mysterious attack. As game master, taking consideration of everyone who’d made time in their schedules for tonight, I thought we could switch to Cthulhu and asked them to wait an hour. 2 hours later I finished coming up with a scenario and began the session. It was fairly fun.

March

Finish BU this month, is clearly noted down. BU stands for bust-up, which are drawings of characters in standing poses [sprites] that are common in ADV games. Normally, since it takes a huge amount of work, the BU work is always divided up. The original drawings are done by the illustrator, in this case I do the base illustrations (line drawing & colouring), and using them as the base, the department sharing the work cleans up the line drawings and recolours it...that’s how the process goes. But since I’m a mangaka and don’t have the technology needed to make gaming assets, I thought it’d be best to leave it to the pros in that field, so that was how that stage proceeded. At that point in time at least.

I also had plans written down to go to Kagoshima. Looks like I didn’t go.

○ TRPG on the 25th. Player M’s schedule lined up with ours, so we played DX with 6 PL plus me as GM. We went to the aquarium, were attacked by witches, and so on.

April

Finish BU, is faintly written down. It seems like the work was more or less completed earlier this month.

○ High school friend K’s wedding on the 6th. Up until then I’d only been to two other wedding receptions. The weddings were for a different friend from high school, and Tajika-san, one of my senpais from Kingdom. This suddenly reminds me of that time at Tajika-san’s reception, when I took a super early flight because I absolutely didn’t want to be late whatsoever, but I ended up not being able to fly for about an hour and a half because of engine trouble or whatever, so I entered at almost the same time as the bride and groom during the reception…

K’s wedding was the first time in my life where I was present all the way from the wedding to the reception, but how should I put it, I was struck by a beam of light. I don’t know who he’s getting married to, I have no clue what their relationship is like. But I was somehow bombarded...by all these thoughts that became jumbled in my head, like the energy in this place, the power of their oaths, questioning what it was, how light isn’t always justice.

I got the feeling that this was what proper, respectable humans take part in, but since I'm fine with not being a proper, respectable human, I decided to not do anything other than what my heart desires.

I'm definitely not good with places where I’m in the spotlight. But congratulations.

○ “Play Sekiro” is strongly noted down. Thank you for supporting me in the first half of 2019.

○ TRPG for the 29th - 30th. DX. Player M’s character dies.

May - June

My schedule book is starting to look more scattered now. On the other hand, since I’ve got a good memory of this time, I can write while recalling the events.

○ I did the covers for the Touken stage play book.

I drew the cover illustrations for the Touken [Ranbu] stage play that Mikasano-san, who I’m grateful to for his work on the anime and movie scripts for TG, worked on. In my mind, it feels like I'm watching the back of who I'd consider my older brother in the creative world, or a fellow comrade on another battlefield fighting to the death. I think it came out quite charmingly, so I’ll include the links for now. Link 1 | Link 2 | Link 3

During this time of work for Jack Jeanne, I was working on “model sheets”. Blueprints for the characters’ attire, not just from the front but also the internal structure.

Unlike most other games, Jack Jeanne has “performance costumes” in addition to normal attire. Because of its “revue” theme, costumes that will be worn onstage needed to be prepared. I was shocked when I suddenly admitted that I needed model sheets for 5 different performances (spring, summer, fall, winter, final) for the 6 main characters, making 30 designs in total.

Back in the TG era, these kind of drawings that I just explained, or drawings that needed a lot of layers, were a pain in the ass. Plus I wasn’t good at them, so I thought that I didn’t want to do it for the rest of my life if possible. But it seems like I have to do this myself. With a sense of determination, I decided to work solely on this for all of May. At the same time, I made nothing but curry for all my meals. There’s no deep reason behind it, but my aim was to kinda boost my ability to concentrate daily by choosing to be decisive in that action.

○ Working on model sheets It came with an unintended effect. Because I spent a month on work that required balance and consistency, my right-left checking skills got better, and completely unrelated, I improved in drawing perfect copies. The design work for the model sheets itself became really fun to do, starting around when I became obsessed with the scarf design (sumo wrestler drawing) I definitely couldn’t use for Neji’s summer costume. I discovered that it’s precisely because I’m not good at this that my labour bore fruit. I feel like this was my experience for the latter half of the year.

July

The cast members were chosen. Unlike TG, there are 6 people + 1 person who can be referred to as the main character, so it was interesting to have a cast with some breadth.

Seems like lyrical work was the main thing I worked on.

Lyrical work. In Jack Jeanne, each performance contains several songs to sing and dance to, so each one is supposed to be sung. ...hence the lyrics.

The topic of what to do with the lyrics was brought up in November 2018. What happens typically is that, let’s say there’s singing in an idol game, then a company that specializes in it is asked to produce the songs. Even for Jack Jeanne, there were several candidates I could pick and choose from. But after a quick look-through, frankly speaking, they all looked the same to me. There’s one person that’s good, it’d be great if we could get them...is what I thought, but, “Even though I don’t have the skills, I’m the one who understands this world the best,” crossed my mind. ...should I try? I tried it. To be honest, I was super embarrassed since it’d be seen by a lot of people, but it evolved into, “Who cares if you’re doing it?” And so Jack Jeanne’s lyrics were tasked to me.

I mentioned this earlier, but there are multiple songs for each performance. So if you combine those plus the opening and ending songs, that makes 17 songs in total. Lyrics for 17 songs that I’m fully responsible for. What the hell...am I doing? Maybe it was from that moment that I started losing it.

Including the lyrics that I’d been working on bit by bit every month, the remaining ones were finished in one go this July. By the time I finished everything, my current state was, “Give me more songs...let me write more lyrics!” But it wasn’t over just yet.

August

Every time I meet someone I tell this story. I’m thinking of keeping it up. Here I am, relieved to have finished the lyrics, when a message pops up on the Skype group chat. It’s from Yamashita Daisuke of Broccoli.

To briefly touch upon Yamashita Daisuke, he is a young man who’s been involved with this project since October of 2018, and a poor soul who was tasked with conducting very important meetings on his third day of working at the company.

The producer from Broccoli was going on maternity leave, so he was scouted as her replacement. As an aside, if I have to be honest, the exchanges between me and Towada-san, and Broccoli’s Jack Jeanne team up until then were quite frustrating. “How about doing it like this?” they would counter. And we’d respond with something like, “This part is going to be developed later on, and since this will become foreshadowing for the entirety of the story, it can’t be modified that easily.” This kind of situation, having to explain everything in detail one by one, going 3 steps forward and being held 2 steps back, had been going on for about 3 years, so the two of us would often whine about it over drinks, going, “When should we quit, this is ridiculous,” etc.

Finally when things began going more smoothly, the producer who was leading the project took her leave, so I wondered if we’d be able to get along with Yamashita Daisuke, but he was, how should I put it, very diligent. For the last year I've been working with people who don’t put in their best effort, so I was very hopeful and thankful to him.

But I digress. This was the gist of the message that Daisuke sent.

“Kosemura-san’s who’s in charge of musical composition wants ‘scratch vocal tracks’ for when the singers are recording.” “Does Ishida-sensei happen to know anyone he could ask for this favour?” “I’m sure it won’t be a problem for you!” “Frankly speaking, it’s okay even if they’re bad.”

Huh. Well, as you might have already guessed, even with the lyrics, it’s impossible to really understand the song at first sight without knowing what kind of rhythm, what kind of emotions are being expressed in the bar measure. Of course we’d need ‘scratch vocal tracks’ to explain the general feeling of the song.

Now, what Daisuke said was, “Do you have anyone you can ask? It’s okay even if they’re bad. Or even you can do it.” But if I found a “it’s okay even if they’re bad” kind of person, we’d still have to show them how to sing it and explain how the rhythm goes. Daisuke already knew which was probably why he asked for the favour. “The person writing the lyrics would be able to make the scratch vocal tracks the fastest.” ...come to think of it, the demo songs that Kunimitsu sent me every time that were sung using Vocaloid, weren’t they also scratch vocal tracks?

Daisuke must have been in a pinch trying to figure out how he should ask me candidly. Ishida-sensei, I couldn’t just ask you to sing it, so I had to ask in a roundabout manner.

I’d already given my answer, but I was still hesitant. It’s true that after I finished writing the lyrics for the 17 songs I’d already lost sight of myself, but if I sang, my singing would reach Broccoli and Kosemura-san’s team’s ears. But I couldn’t just leave poor Daisuke hanging.

So I consult Towada-shi, whom I’d been collaborating with in creating the scripts for Jack Jeanne, for advice. (He had been in charge of TG’s novels, and I’ve known him for a long time.) “Did you check Skype?” “I did.” “What do you think?” “Start by looking up scratch vocal tracks,” so we paid a visit to YouTube. The first search result that came up for ‘scratch vocal track’ was a video of a vocalist who was used to sing a scratch track for AKB or something. I see, so that’s what it looks like. Innocuous, but I could see it was very professionally done.

And the second result that came up was Tsunku♂-shi. The figure of Tsunku♂-shi himself recording a scratch track for his idols. The producer himself became an idol, and was singing really cutely, in his emotions and how he sang it. “This is it?” I said. “Yeah, it is,” Towada-shi agreed. If Kosemura-san and his team, and the people who will be performing the songs have to listen to it, it’d be a disservice to them to half-ass it. I don’t like people who don’t try their best. That means I have to show that attitude myself. Let’s come out of my shell for poor Daisuke as well.

“You’re gonna become Tsunku♂.” “Yeah...I’m gonna be Tsunku♂!” And that was how I became Tsunku♂.

I replied to Daisuke on the Skype group chat. “Understood, I’ll do what I can.”

So this guy, who doesn’t even know what the ‘D’ in DTM stands for, first downloads the software, and begins setting up a recording environment. Other work is pushed aside. I set 3 days to work on this.

I timidly begin working on the scratch tracks. From the perspective of someone who doesn’t have to listen to their singing for a living, it starts out as a living hell, but you get used to it as you listen to it over and over.

And so I kept learning new things. I noticed I was harmonizing with myself.

Just like Tsunku♂-shi, I’d change the voice for each character. If it was Jack (male in a male role) I’d sing like a man, and if it was Jeanne (male in a female role), then like a woman, while the main character Kisa (female) should sound cute... No, Kisa needs to be cuter! I re-recorded her part many times. Depending on the song, I’d sing for 7 people. I was Jack Jeanne now.

Tsunku♂ (I) recorded 17 songs in 3 days, and sent the data first to Towada-shi. Since I was now Tsunku♂, I no longer felt any sense of embarrassment.

“I listened to it,” the reply came, and I called him. Towada-shi was roaring with laughter. I regained the embarrassment I’d forgotten.

“Oh no, I was laughing ‘cause I was impressed,” he said, but my heart was already as fragile as that of an abandoned dog.

“Even this is a big help to Kosemura-san, and Daisuke should be grateful, right?” Yeah. Although Towada-shi guffawed at me, Daisuke will surely thank me. And then he’ll definitely tell me what a good job I did!

I dumped the music into the Skype group chat. “I did what I could,” I added.

How will Daisuke react to my Tsunku♂? I waited restlessly. Three days later on August 5th, a formal message arrived after it was received.

“Thank you very much. We will schedule a meeting with Kosemura-san…”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. My hard work got dismissed with, “Thank you very much.”

Daisuke, why? I thought you were in a pinch, so I...were...were you fooling with me from the start? Answer me! Daisuke! Just tell me I did a good job, or follow up with something, I’m fine with anything! So much for my heart being like an abandoned dog, it’s more like a grown-ass man left naked on a snowy mountain. I did what I could! This feeling was welling up inside me, but was it myself that managed to do it?

○ Later, at a meeting with Kosemura-san “It’s great that you could do this much for us. You didn’t have to do all that.” With the gist of those words, a warm blanket was finally placed over my heart, which had almost frozen to death.

“I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t sure if Sensei was the most who did it in the first place,” Daisuke said, so I decided to satisfy myself by threatening, “I’m gonna tell this story until the day I die.”

September

○ Responses to the Questions to Ishida Sui contest We did a “Ask anything to Ishida Sui” contest as a project for the art book “zakki:re”, where purchasers could apply with a postcard. I was writing the replies for them.

I thought there’d be a lot more questions about TG or its contents, but surprisingly there were a lot of questions asking for life advice. There were quite a few questions that I had to seriously think about to answer.

It was kinda tough since there were over a hundred of them, but I thought it’d be nice to get in touch like this every once in a while.

○ BU work for Jack Jeanne Once the music-related tasks like lyrical composition and scratch vocal tracks were completed, I worked on BU. ...BU work? Wasn’t it finished back in April?

Well, a similar situation arose just like what happened with the lyrics. Regarding sprite quality I might not be able to beat the pros, but since I’m the one who best understands how the characters look best and their body balance, I had decided to do all the line drawing colouring myself in June. I had no clue whether I’d make the deadline or maintain the quality, but thanks to Broccoli’s understanding, I was allowed to make it myself.

I realized once again that I’m terrible at splitting up work. If I can do it by myself, I will.

Plus, it’s, how should I put it, starting from my TG days, even though it wasn’t a lot I got to see various types of workplaces. I’d see places where there was no sense of responsibility whatsoever, or the work may have been divvied up appropriately, but it felt like they were making something without a sense of purpose, like a main plot line that isn’t going anywhere.

It’s impossible to accomplish big things with that kind of stance, and I understand that the more people that intervene, the more uncertain the core becomes, so I didn’t like that kind of approach. It makes me wonder whether there’s any meaning in creating a work that’s conservative and unchallenged, and if it’s nothing more than a money grab.

Since I don’t have any desire for material things, getting fed up about it is useless, but I just can’t help thinking about it.

Of course, it may be difficult to get what I want 100% of the time, but I want to create things in an environment that I think is beautiful, even in places that I’m slightly involved in.

...in other words, BU work is tough, but I began remaking the sprites once again by myself. This was the toughest work I’ve ever done out of everything, including the serialization...

○ Scratch vocals training camp at the end of September I went to the recording for the scratch vocal tracks. Based on the scratch tracks that I made, we got professional vocalists to sing it again properly. This is what the actual cast would use as a reference to sing. (So my version was like the pre-scratch vocal track.)

I was stuck in Tokyo for almost a week. Wake up, get ready, go to the recording studio. Come back at 8 or 9 pm, rest and sleep, repeat.

It was like I was back in school, and since I don’t have a steady lifestyle, I enjoyed it.

Kosemura-san’s team is really great, and I know I mentioned this before, but I felt like their workplace was a very healthy production site. When I was drawing manga, I never had much time to talk with fellow manga artists, and I’ve never had the chance to experience what other professionals’ workplaces were like, so it was very exciting for me to see people as professionals tackle one thing seriously. The vocalists were as amazing as I expected, and although my scratch tracks were played at a loud volume to annoy me, I had a great time.

The game might have a high level of entry, but it’s worth listening to just for the songs, is what I truly thought.

○ Parting words to Editor M-shi This might have been back in August, but from 2018 to 2019 I had a lot of things on my mind, so I began talking to the editor.

In between the 11 years of serialization starting from my rookie days, I’d received guidance from him so it wasn’t easy, but I expressed to him that we should keep our distance for any future works.

“I want to become absorbed in myself, not to Ishida Sui or Tokyo Ghoul,” I told him. The other part said he also felt the same way, and accepted it. The next time we meet, I hope we can talk about what we’re into, what we’re going crazy over, he said.

And so, 2 months after that conversation was the scratch vocals training camp in Tokyo, and I had the chance for the two of us to talk again. That day I was completely tuckered out from recording the scratch track, but it was a day filled with accomplishments.

He took me to a restaurant with delicious food in Ebisu or somewhere, and after concluding our brief business meeting, I tried throwing out the cliched, “So, what are you up to lately?” As the lead writer, there was a part of me that was curious about how he was doing after that talk we had.

The editor began talking about homemade curry.

...that’s what he’s into? I decide everything from selecting and picking the ingredients myself, and next time I want Ishida-kun to also see how delicious the curry is...he told me passionately, but how should I put it, the conversation wasn’t very spicy.

The food was delicious.

October

○ BU work

What’s hard about BU work is that it’s difficult to separate the layers according to the face, hair and clothes, and they all have to have the same style and touch to it. If it was manga, then maybe...no, even in manga, there’s still some need to match the outfits, but it doesn’t really matter to that extent.

It’s because I don’t like game sprites. “This character has so much energy from their sideways pose! Amazing!” This never happens…

Around this time of the year, my older sister called this elaborate task, “the task you’re probably the worst at.”

○ The bean life I’m not really fat in particular, but I made up my mind to try dieting. At the time, my body fat percentage was at 18%, and I’ve never been below 10% ever in my entire life, so I’m thinking of aiming for that. Instead of eating rice with unseasoned chickpeas and black soybeans, I began my lifestyle of consuming vegetables and cuts of meat with less fat. Hopefully I can achieve my goal in about six months’ time.

○ Ano-chan, Honda Keisuke, and I After Ano-chan left “You’ll Melt More!”, her official Twitter account removed every single account she was following, but for some reason only two people remained. Those two people were Honda Keisuke and Ishida Sui. To Ano-chan, Honda Keisuke and Ishida Sui belonged in the same category. After some time passed, even we were removed, but I consider this one of my hottest mysteries of 2019. Ano-chan! I’ll always be waiting, so let’s have tea some time with Honda Keisuke!

November

○ BU Need I say more.

○ Main cast’s first recording session from the 26th - 27th.

I visited Tokyo with Towada-shi to supervise the main cast members’ recording session. Wow, everyone was so amazing~

Of course, not just the main characters. Terasaki Yuka-san who plays the main character, Tachibana Kisa, was wonderful as well.

In this kind of game genre, the position as the main character feels less important than the male characters, but I want her to stand firmly in this story’s script. I thought it’d be nice to have the main character not stand out too much and have her watch over the male characters, and I felt that Terasaki-san’s voice and acting fit that image perfectly.

About the cast members, it seems like there’ll be a chance to speak to them eventually, so I’ll come back again.

○ 1 month into the bean life I’m steadily losing weight. Basically I always work from home. I go to the gym and supermarket 2-3 times a week. I started cooking for myself. I got a brand new refrigerator to replace the one that suddenly broke. It actually cools things down now. Living standards have risen.

December

○ I break off ties with M who I played TRPG together with. He was a former classmate who was even chief assistant at some point during the series’ run, but eventually he ended up getting fired due to falling asleep at work. He said he’d attend the last session for the story that day (although his own character had already died), and I was working on a schedule to accommodate him, but once again he cancelled at the last minute.

It’s fine to cause trouble for me (although I’ll probably get pissed), but I can’t overlook treating others the same way. And it’s not the fact that his schedule didn’t match up, it’s because he was complete trash who didn’t know how to behave like an adult once he made plans with others, that I felt sorry for the other TRPG people who took time out of their schedules. Since I felt ashamed when I was together with him, I decided I’d had enough.

This was a year where I cut ties with a lot of people, but I think what they had in common was that I was ashamed to be with them. From now on, I don’t want to associate with such people.

What’s more, when I finally told him, he didn’t even try to deal with it and just gave up, responding, “So that’s how you felt about me. Okay. My bad.”

I won’t go anywhere with those kind of people again.

○ The bean life ⇒ the potato life. I changed it to potatoes.

○ BU is over...

On December 17th, I finally finished the BU work that I spent ageeeeeeeees on.

Although I said that serialization is tough, as long as I finished 18 pages a week that was it (although there were times where I was chasing myself with other work), so I could finish it as long as I didn’t sleep. I somehow managed to finish both the manuscripts and the colour illustrations this way, so expecting BU to be similar, I wasn’t really scared about it never ending, but BU truly was despair. When is this gonna end? I’m even working super hard… This is how it went on the entire time for over a month.

There were about 200 different sprites I had to make myself, including the different costumes and poses, and I had to do all of them.

For one thing, when, “This process is necessary,” came out, I had to go through the same process roughly 200 times, that it felt like I was facing the final boss who already transformed many times. Also, it’s like not equipping myself with a lot of equipment and recovery items in the previous town, but the dungeon I somehow managed to enter is extremely dangerous and even though there’s no safe points anywhere in sight, the boss suddenly comes up behind you, and you go I’m gonna die I’m gonna die

○ If you eat a lot while you’re losing weight, you’re going to have a bad time.

On December 15th I had trouble concentrating, so I tidied up the living room, created a space in the middle of the room, and darkened the lights. After an hour of meditating, only the sound of my breathing could be heard in the room, and so I went back to work with renewed concentration after confronting the issue (like a monk?).

On December 16th, I’ve been working the entire time since morning. I thought today was going to be the last day, but an entire day has passed and I don’t have any energy...

I’ll buy a midnight snack, replenish my energy, and end it once and for all. I’m trying to lose weight, but I went to the convenience store while thinking about how I’m gonna eat a katsu sandwich (I didn’t have the energy to cook).

While looking for something at a convenience store I can eat during weight loss, I think back over the last few months.

Like how it seems like BU is finally over, how a lot of things have happened, how I’m working hard, how lately I’ve been eating only potatoes, vegetables and meat.

And then I suddenly thought, “I wonder if the reason I don’t have any energy is because I haven’t had any rice lately.”

...I thought I should go on a diet in October, so I’ve been living a very modest life since then. Thanks to that, my weight has steadily decreased, and my body fat percentage has gone down 3% to 15%. What will happen if I continue with my relatively strict dietary restrictions during this difficult time?

...even if you’re losing weight, there’s a technique you can set up to binge eat during periods where weight loss stagnates, called cheat day (though results may vary), but what is it that makes no-cheating so inefficient even for weight loss?

...should I have a cheat day today?

“Huh, is it really okay?” I asked my mind. “Do it!” was the answer I got. From that moment, everything around me morphed into things I could eat.

No exaggeration, my knees trembled.

I crammed into my shopping basket carbohydrates, carbs, more carbs… It’s okay just for today, I say as I shove cream puffs, dorayaki, pudding, Family Mart chicken and ice cream. (Even if it's a cheat day, it’s probably not a good idea to take non-nutritional foods, but shh.)

With food in both hands and in high spirits, the first thing I ate was the delicious part of the Family Mart chicken.

I groaned loudly, all alone in the room.

Alright, let’s finish this work! I was energized, but my blood sugar levels spiked so much that I felt extremely sleepy and went to bed instead.

The next day on the 17th, I wake up at 4 am and immediately notice something unusual. My body is burning. I’m sweating.

I immediately wake up, and overflowing with energy, I head for my desk. I’m working actively, and I finish the BU work. It felt like I was pushing forward with only positive energy, feeling uplifted.

I break out a laugh at a slight joke I found funny from a foreign drama (The Mentalist) I’m playing while working. The greenery of the plants and the lighted sink glisten, and the scenery is vivid.

What is this?

I suddenly recall the story of a YouTuber I saw recently. He lives in a region where medical marijuana is legalized, and he explained in detail what changes would occur if you smoked cannabis.

To put it roughly, you feel calm and your senses sharpen. Trivial things can become funny, and funny videos can make you roar with laughter.

Then maybe...I thought, I'll watch Nagareboshi (a comedy duo) on YouTube. Usually I go, haha, that's funny! But that day I exploded with laughter...all of their videos were just too funny.

I learned that when you’re losing weight and suddenly eat a lot, it alters your mind and body as if you smoked cannabis. (※ Just to be clear, I don’t know what cannabis is like.)

Thus the BU work ended with me being high as a kite.

(※ I’m covering it with mosaics for now. I’ll remove it once I can announce it.)

○ I stopped playing TRPGs. I’ve been doing it for about two and a half years, but it also helped me in honing my creative skills. I’d sometimes perform, so it was useful when I was recording the scratch vocals… It was a good experience, managing to vicariously live the energy of ending a story. It was a story about a group of friends, so it was easy to appreciate.

Summing up 2019

After the weekly series finished in 2018, I was in a daze for a few months, but in 2019 I worked only on Jack Jeanne for the year.

This year I tried various things, and trite as it may seem, felt the possibilities within myself expanding. I had many opportunities to realize how important it is to keep a distance from bad things that don’t do anything for me.

During my work on Jack Jeanne, I vaguely thought about my future creations. The work I’m doing now in game production is fun so I wonder if I can keep working in this field, but I’d also like an environment where I can release things more constantly.

I can’t promise anything specific, but I’m going to work on things that I want to do.

I look forward to what 2020 has to offer. Have a happy New Year.

2019.12.31 Ishida Sui

[howaminotinthestrokesyet]

80’s Rap: Random Quarantine Thoughts

1. MC Ren...One of rap’s greatest mysteries or tragedies depending on how you look at it is what happened to MC Ren. I recall always thinking that he was possibly the second best rapper in the group. He fell off the face of the earth after NWA pretty much imploded by the mid 1990s. I am not sure if it is really fair to wonder this In a less than flattering light, but the fact remains that the other members of the group are absolute icons who became gigantic In the history of rap.

2. Wild Thing by Tone Loc... The connections in early rap always surprise me. For example, this song was produced by Mario C, who did most of his well-known production work with the Beastie Boys. He was even mentioned by name in the song sure shot. One of the co-writers on this song was Young MC, who shortly after went on to greater fame with the song “Bust a Move.” He would also go on to write “Funky Cold Medina,” which was a phrase coined by Flava Flav of Public Enemy.

3. Public Enemy... As a kid, I listened to Public Enemy, but only really got into a few songs. My issue with them was that their songs were more like speeches by Chuck D with a drumbeat, more than anything else. They get credited for being the first political rap group, but the problem with them was they were not that great at the music part. Their songs left out any sort of catchiness, hooks, chorus, and anything else that popular music contained in the 80s and 90s.

4. The Beastie Boys... One of the things that came out in their recent book was their admission that they distanced themselves from Rick Rubin and Def Jam because they did not want to be portrayed as partying clowns anymore. I am not sure if this was purely accidental, but one of the byproducts of that distancing was they began to experiment with lesser-known samples, undiscovered samples, and eventually creating their own samples. Like I said, this could have been purely accidental, but in the future, the obvious popular samples being used for everything in rap at the time became much too expensive to use anymore. This is probably why groups was like Run DMC faded out as they were not skilled enough musically to manipulate good new samples into their work.

5. Run DMC...I have always wondered about their relationship with the Beastie Boys. By the 1990s, Run DMC was no longer anywhere near what they had been 10 years prior. I wonder if any conversations between them got awkward since the Beastie Boys star continued to rise throughout the 1990s. I remember in 1997 seeing them headline a small show at my college with Sugar Hill Gang opening. I felt a small bit of pity for them during that show. I was thinking how the mighty have fallen.

6. Bust a Move by Young MC...I just realized that the girl in yellow in this music video makes out with actor Max Perlich. I did some digging and discovered that he also appears in videos for Alice In Chains and Luscious Jackson. That is a strange group of videos to appear in if you ask me. In an unrelated note, I’ve always found it completely coincidental that Young MC has a friend named Harry with a brother Larry. Do you know who I mean? The one in a few days who is going to marry.

7. Heavy D... Heavy D, much like a lot of other rappers left music to go into acting to never return. I wonder when was the exact point that they decided to do this and why. There might be a different overall reason for each person, but I am thinking that there are more opportunities in acting with much more financial security. Music is just much more difficult to stay not only successful, but to maintain any kind of prosperity because making albums and touring those albums costs a lot of money.

8. As a kid, I did enjoy “Parents Just Don’t Understand” by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. I remember thinking that it spoke to me like a story in no way other songs did at the time. As an adult, I cannot bear to listen to any of his songs anymore for some reason. I think it is because they are so cartoonish that the music critic in me cannot take it seriously whatsoever. The other thing about the song is the music video could possibly be taken as an audition tape for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Without that television show, we would not have the always riffing Will Smith that we see today for good or for bad.

9. Kool Moe Dee... I could never get into his songs. His lyrics were so annoying to sit through because his lines were three words long. Nobody talks that way in real life. The big thing about listening to his songs were you had to think really hard to figure out what he was trying to communicate because the staccato rhythm of it threw you entirely off.

10. Turn This Mutha Out by MC Hammer... People forget that hammer was actually thought of as a pretty hip rapper before Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Em and the promotional onslaught of “U Can’t Touch This.” I remember listening to the song on cassette when I was in eighth grade. One of the things you can notice in the music video is a lack of white people in it, which totally changed in later videos. The biggest takeaway from this song when comparing it to “U Can’t Touch This” is the fact that Hammer is not so clean in this one.

[gryffindorkx]

So recently I've really been struggling with mental health problems. Like I've known I've had them for awhile but I've never known specifically, and I thought maybe it's just puberty? But I'm an adult now and going off to college and I'm sick of not being able to do normal things? And idk what to do, I don't want to tell my parents because I don't think they'll believe me? But I don't know if I can wait until college? And even in college I don't wanna be judged? I just dunno what to do...

this is too close to home that it feels like i just ghost messaged myself. i wanna help ya out buddy but how can i when i don’t even bother to save myself and my own sorry ass? however, you plucked out the courage to ask me for help and it would be an asshole move for me to just leave it be, so i’ll try my best on this.

from what i think, this might sound cliche and overused, but everyone needs a companion. if you feel like your parents won’t believe you and the thought of it only worries you, then don’t tell them first. think of someone else you can open up to, may it be a friend or relative or even someone on the internet. it doesn’t have to be someone you know personally and irl, the internet is a great place too plus i’ve met a lot of people here in tumblr who are open minded and can be empathetic with such things. 

theres also this option of telling someone unrelated to you, aka a stranger of sort. i’ve met people who don’t tell their personal problems to the ones they’re close with because they don’t want them to worry or make their loved ones doubt them, so they find it easier to tell someone they have no relationship or whatsoever with.

i get it, its scary to tell someone. even the very thought of it alone unnerves me that i can’t even grasp how it would go. its an easier choice to keep everything in because of our fear of people’s reactions and the confusion we get if we really have something fucked up with our head or not. but think back, can you really go on like this, keeping it all in?

if ever you do find someone you know you can talk to, you don’t have to tell them everything. just share what you can/with what you’re okay enough with to spill out. it’s absolutely okay not to tell them everything, but just enough for you to lift the weight off yourself. it also doesn’t have to be a face-to-face kind of situation. if you find it difficult to say things verbally but easier to express something out via texting or writing, do it that way.

however, if you’re like me who prefers to keep everything in because i don’t like the feeling of people knowing too much about me, a companion doesn’t have to be human. my cat helps me out a lot and just hanging out with him eases my mind. animals are great friends to be with and to help keep yourself together, or for me anyway.

and ok, this actually took a while to answer because i wasn’t sure if i should put down on how i deal with my own but you know what? i’m risking it and yelling fuck you at myself so here i go.

if you really can’t bring yourself to speak it out, then here is my suggestion of what i do: i distract myself. i keep my mind or body or both busy enough that i can push it aside momentarily. ironically, its what makes me move my body to exercise or do the chores around the house.

you can try and write down with what you’re good with and list down examples/experiences about it to remind yourself. you can make something, a doodle or those edits and moodboards or basically anything, and use it to express out how you feel. find and watch tv shows where you see characters that you can relate with and, in a way, have that character support your back. find things or use every trick at your disposal to keep yourself to just, you know, keep moving. for me, that’s already a lot.

but if it’s too much for you that it takes a huge toll on yourself, lie down and play your favorite songs and just stay that way for as long as you need. or take a hot shower which is then followed up by wearing your comfy clothes and digging in on your favorite snacks. even the small and simple things can help.

for me, i self disciplined myself to keep on moving and thats how i go about with my days. one of the big reasons why i write stories and create my own characters is because it’s the biggest and most effective distraction that i could ever do. ultimately, i grew to love it and became passionate about it that it actually helps take the weight off myself even if its just for a moment. being passionate about something is the best way for me to distract myself from my fucked up self because it gives me some kind of purpose. it doesn’t matter if its a fandom, a hobby, books, movies, use it for your own intentions. idk if i worded it out right.

lastly, have this post

i’m in college myself right now and trust me that it’ll get more complicated but i’m still here. not exactly alright, i admit, but i still keep struggling on. and i’ll wait for the day where you’ll message me again, but this time it’s because you’ve found your own way to somehow make it through the day. for others, it might not seem much, but for me that’s already a huge step because fuck what others think. we grow and go on in our own phase.

if i was unable to help you, i’m sorry. i truly am. just know that i can relate with you on this and that you’re not alone.

[girlsagainst-archive]

THE COATHANGERS - BY GA REP ANDREW KOH

Our GA Rep Andrew caught up with the Coathangers - aka Stephanie Luke (Rusty Coathanger), Julia Kugel (Crook Kid Coathanger) and Meredith Franco (Minnie Coathanger) - on their U.S April tour.

First off, welcome back to Washington DC. It’s been a year since your last tour with L.A. Witch, and I saw that Stephanie went to the Women’s March on Washington this January - as did I. So, from last year to this yeas, things have been different. But it’s great to have you back here in DC.

SL: “Different” *laughing* Yeah, you could say that.

Yeah! Congratulations on the one year anniversary of the release your album, “Nosebleed Weekend” on April 15th.

JK: Aww, thanks.

Yeah, it’s an incredible album and I told Meredith earlier that it was my soundtrack for the summer so thanks for that! Really looking forward to the release of your new EP “Parasite” available on Suicide Squeeze on June 30th. Now, back under “Nosebleed Weekend”, it’s been a year for these songs to kind of marinate with your fans and audiences. Which songs have resonated well with the crowds? Especially with some bands being tired of playing the same songs over and over again after touring relentlessly, which tunes still have you excited and pumped for shows?

JK: Squeeki Tiki is a rad one, you know? It’s been really fun. (Squeeki Tiki is a tune primarily featuring a squeaky toy for the song’s melody). All of them have been great to play live.

SL: Yeah I don’t know. Down Down, Squeeki Tiki, umm, Burn Me…

MF: And Make It Right.

JK: Yeah, and people have been liking our latest songs off this new EP. I mean you said you get to add something fresh and new to the setlist.

So you guys are now on tour promoting your new EP. Is there anything else in store for The Coathangers in 2017?

JK: Yeah, we’ve been touring a lot.

SL: We’ll be out on tour in Europe after this, which will be cool.

JK: So maybe somewhere near the winter time we’ll have something in store. I mean we’re always writing and thinking.

MF: Yeah, who knows - maybe some live recordings or something.

JK: There are many possibilities available but right now we are just trying to take it one day at a time. I mean, plans are kind of overwhelming sometimes, you know, and fucking stressful. I don’t wanna plan my 2018 right now - you know what I mean? Like, “what are we gonna do in April next year?” like shut up! Haha, I don’t want to talk about that.

Of course! I also want to touch on the title track of the new EP, Parasite. You (Julia) said in an interview that during the making of the last album, “Nosebleed Weekend” that you didn’t want to scream anymore and just wanted to sing and focus on melody but when it came to that track, you just wanted to scream and curse.” Were there any reasons - related or unrelated to your band - that lead you to make that change?

JK: I was so mad because I had fucking parasites. We all had them from touring so much and we got them somewhere. I was so mad and then there was the election. We recorded Parasite after the election too and it was like fuck.

MF: Yeah and honestly it was like we did it old school - we hadn’t had like an “AHH!” crazy moment. And it just felt good.

SL: Yeah, just let it all out. It was the same with the song Captain’s Dead. Because we took 3 months off for the holidays and for family stuff and then when we got back together for 3 or 4 days and jammed out, it just came to us.

JK: Yeah and the pressure of it like,”YOU HAVE TO WRITE A RECORD NOW! AND IT HAS TO BE AMAZING! AND IT HAS TO BE SUPER PRODUCED!” and it just like, what? And when we started working this record out around spring time and we wrote 5 or 4 songs and it was just so great.

SL: Like you said, it was old times like the old Coathangers again when we would just get together and like “BLAH!” and then it’s just like yeah okay it’s cool.

JK: Yeah like “Holy shit we need a bridge there and should be repeat it twice right there?” like “NO!” Haha, I mean we still did that though.

SL: Yeah we didn’t need to overthink it and stress out about it

MF: Totally, it just felt natural to us.

SL: It was really fun and we were all laughing and having a good time you know?

JK: Having parasites for 6 months and after was the first time we were all like clear headed - cause parasites will make you go fucking crazy. We all thought we had mono.

MF: Yeah, around the time we did the L.A. Witch tour.

Wow. I mean, you guys tour so much and are relentless in delivering fresh tunes like it’s really inspiring hearing your story and how you’ve managed to do it all yourself. And as an aspiring singer songwriter, that means a lot you know?

The Coathangers: Aww thanks!

Who are some of the musicians or cultural figures you kinda look up to as inspiration?

MF: First off, our moms…

SL: And then there’s like Kim Gordon… who’s super inspiring,

MF: Salt N Papa.

SL: Yeah, Salt N Papa and TLC and coming from Atlanta, bands like The Black Lips, Mastodon, Deerhunter and every band who ever put us on a show. That Atlanta love really helped us out and shaped us.

What changes would you most like to see within music or the industry as a whole?

SL: Just equality. Like really? Just don’t be an asshole. It should be one big family.

JK: Yeah and just put your ego in check you know? If you’re running security, I get it, you are in charge but be fucking nice in our way. If you are a headlining band, cool you’re great but be fucking nice and normal. If you are a producer, don’t fucking try to grope me you know? Like why would you do that? Hire a prostitute. And if you do, make sure you pay them! Like seriously fuck you man. Go live out your dirty fantasies some other way. Where ever it is, you get it from everyone whether it’s a boy or a girl, young or old, any race, people can be fucking assholes. Like please, be nice to people!

Do you ever get that vibe from venues, security people, etc?

SL: Oh hell yeah! It’s like people prejudge or have their pre-conceived notions about others and they feel like they need to be a dick to us before we can be dicks to them or something like that. It’s an ego thing or a complex but you can’t carry it with you.

Do you feel it’s that misogyny that causes venues or security personnel to be reluctant to help stopping groping at gigs?

SL: I think that depends on the owner and environment of the club. We know so many great people who would be horrified to hear anything like that happening at their venue. There are obviously people who could probably care less. I guess it’s just how your mother raised you.

JK: I can’t remember if there has been some fucked up thing I’ve just blocked out but like if anything we see security go after guys like, “WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!”. I mean, we’ve stopped gigs before if there are fights or whatever

SL: I mean there’s been shows where a girl broke a dude’s nose. Like clocked him and we’re like, ”HELL YEAH! She took care of it herself”. But if there’s anything we see fucked up, we’ll stop a gig anything to help out because we can see more of the crowd on stage.

Of course, and sexual harassment at gigs is a microcosm of a much larger issue. What would you say about misogyny as a whole?

SL: I mean, look at our president. I think it’s allow for a lot of people to come out of the rugs and think it’s okay to be more racist, sexist, and homophobic.

JK: We’ve forgotten there was an opposition. We’ve like literally forgot they were there but there always has been.

SL: Now it’s almost like accepted or normal like no! You’re a fucking asshole! That’s completely unacceptable behavior for anybody whatsoever. Even inside themselves they are fine if someone says some crazy racist shit if it’s at a Trump rally. So they’re fine with as long as they finally live out their fantasy for power. But that said, we are more of a welcoming community and we can bond you know. I mean we’ve had girls come up to us in shows saying, “Your music help me break up with an abusive boyfriend, your music helped me start my own band, your music gave me strength, etc.��� You know that’s so powerful so I hope that everyone on our end can come together and fight power.

Do you have anything to say to the perpetrators of sexual harassment at gigs?

JK: It’s never okay to do something like that.

SL: There should be a fucking tazing area. Put them in a pit and have at it.

JK: I mean, it’s like a cheap thrill for you that maybe you home and you enjoy yourself but that create a huge impact that scars someone’s heart you know? You are fucking someone’s life up. Go get a prostitute, go fucking touch yourself, go read a book. Find something else to do and express your urges in some other way. What the fuck are you doing scaring people if your free time?! You’re an asshole.

SL: Go eat trash and die.

We have followers have personally been assaulted or harassed at gigs. Is there anything you’d like to say to the victims?

SL: Speak out, it’s not your fault, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you and what you were wearing. But bring it to the forefront and don’t be ashamed about it because it will ruin your fucking life.

MF: And I mean everyone, besides that asshole, is on your side. Especially at a show. I mean if someone said it right away, that person would get beat up. I mean at our shows anyway.

JK: Exactly, like straight away just be like, “THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE JUST TOUCHED ME!” and the response who be, “OHHH YEAH?! WHICH ASSHOLE?! GET HIM!” You know? Like especially in DC? Are you kidding me? That dude would be handcuffed and kicked out of there. But in any show, say it right there and really loud, “FUCK YOU!” and aggressively stand up for yourself. Don’t feel like that’s a bad thing too. I mean I’ve been groped before at shows and been so in shock and scared. I didn’t even point him out you know? But I should have been like, “FUCK YOU! This guy etc…” It’s definitely hard but don’t be afraid to defend yourself and loads people at the show will support you.

 Girls Against sincerely thank the Coathangers for their time, honesty, and for supporting our campaign.

You can buy/listen to their brand new EP “Parasite” on Suicide Squeeze Records available across all major streaming platforms.

 You can catch the Coathangers live in these upcoming tour dates.

Date                      Venue                                                  Location

Jul 18                     The Earl                                                Atlanta, GA                        

Jul 19                     JJ's Bohemia                                       Chattanooga, TN                              

Jul 20                     Off Broadway                                    St Louis, MO                      

Jul 21                     The Riot Room                                  Kansas City, MO                              

Jul 22                     Globe Hall                                           Denver, CO                        

Jul 24                     Milk Run                                              Omaha, NE

Jul 25                     Total Drag Records                          Sioux Falls, SD                    

Jul 26                     7th St Entry                                         Minneapolis, MN                            

Jul 27                     Beat Kitchen                                      Chicago, IL                          

Jul 28                     The Melody Inn                                                Indianapolis, IN                

Jul 29                     Daytrotter                                           Davenport, IA                    

Aug 01                  The Pyramid Scheme                     Grand Rapids, MI                            

Aug 02                  Ace Of Cups                                       Columbus, OH                  

Aug 03                  Northside Yacht Club                      Cincinnati, OH                    

Aug 04                  Zanzabar                                              Louisville, KY                      

Sep 16                   Electric Factor                                    Philadelphia, PA              

Oct 07                   Project Pabst Atlanta                     Atlanta, GA                        

 Additional tour info, discography, band info, and merch is available on their website, www.thecoathangers.com

Special thanks to the venue DC9, the Coathangers’ manager Geoff Sherr, and to Hannah Stokes for taking photos.