#and the worst part is that between being: 1) an irish song 2) that they sing at a million miles an hour 3) with australian accents

[fictionadventurer]

One day, I will wake up and the Wiggles version of "The Rattlin' Bog" will not be in my head.

[ilovejevsjeans]

Daniel Ricciardo on his passion for combat sports, a walkout song and the time he asked Lewis Hamilton to ‘fight’

McLaren Formula One driver Daniel Ricciardo, who currently sits seventh in the driver standings heading into this weekend’s Spanish Grand Prix, is among the world’s best behind a steering wheel. But how would he fare if he swapped his racing gloves for boxing or MMA gloves?

“I’d love to do a charity boxing match or something just to feel that adrenaline of walking to a ring,” Ricciardo said. “It’s on my to-do list for sure. At school I had a few little fights but nothing crazy. Nothing I’d brag about here.”

Ricciardo says he learned the sport of boxing from a friend who fought as an amateur growing up. However in recent years his love of combat shifted more toward mixed martial arts, a sport that is “quite beautiful. It’s an art form and I was just taken by it.”

The Australian — who boasts 4.6 million followers on Instagram — rarely misses a fight night, whether that’s a small card or pay-per-view. Every Monday he gears up for multiple MMA podcasts to hear analysis on what just took place in the cage.

In an exclusive interview with The Athletic, Ricciardo opened up about his love for fighting, which driver would make the best opponent and why Lewis Hamilton turned down an opportunity to get in the ring against him.

You’re an avid fight fan. How did this passion for the sport start?

One of my best friends growing up, when he was growing up, he was doing amateur boxing and got very good at it. I was then doing my racing and he was doing his boxing. We were both on a bit of an unconventional path — both individual sports, not really the typical sports the kids at school were doing. We had that in common. Once I started taking my racing more seriously I began taking my fitness more seriously. So I started going to his gym to just train. I really enjoyed doing it. But the truth is — I don’t want to lie to anyone. I’m not a fighter. As much as I would picture beating the bully up at school, it’s not me. But I just fell in love with not only doing it but also watching it.

I enjoyed watching boxing but it was really when I got exposed to MMA … It just had me. It was back in 2011 when I started properly getting into it. It was the quickest sport I had ever been absorbed by. I was all in.

My whole YouTube feed is just all MMA shows, whether it’s press conferences, interviews, podcasts. It’s just full of MMA stuff. I’m a full nerd now.

Being in Australia and traveling a lot, are you forced to get up at weird times for fights?

The beauty was I was in LA when (Conor McGregor vs. Dustin Poirier 2) was on so it was prime time and I was happy. But normally in Europe, it’s 4 a.m. or 5 a.m., which isn’t as good. Any kind of sporting event that you look forward to, it’s always cool when it’s in the evening because you have all day to get ready and talk about it. If you wake up at 4 a.m. it’s like “ugh,” and then you’re straight into it so there’s not as much of a build-up. But it’s all good.

So do you still train at all?

No. To races, my trainer carries some pads and gloves just to stay a little sharp and change it up. If I’m getting my reflexes with some tennis balls, maybe I throw in a bit of a boxing combination or something. Again, I’m not saying I’m good or anything. But I just enjoy the whole movement part of it.

Boxing was cool and I enjoyed watching it growing up. But there was something with MMA where there’s just so many different disciplines and the matchups … as a contest it was so much more open and for that, exciting. I feel — I know it’s not always the case — you can kind of tell in boxing if someone is getting momentum, the advantage. It’s like “this guy is going to win the fight.” But in MMA, it’s like “this guy is winning standing but if this goes to the ground, it’s back to square one.” So I just loved it. I was really immersed by it all.

Did you have a particular fighter or fight that got you hooked early on?

One of the first events I watched was UFC 116. Chris Leben was on the card and I think he was losing the fight. And then he got a triangle with probably 20 seconds to go in the third round, so that was really exciting. Stephan Bonnar was also on that card and he got a really cool finish on “The Polish Experiment” Krzysztof Soszynski. That was a card for me where I was very taken from that. Then I discovered “The Ultimate Fighter.” I just binge-watched all of those (seasons).

In terms of fighters, Leben was a character, I liked him. Carlos Condit. I’d say Condit and Cub Swanson were two guys I got behind early on. Condit, I love his style and the way he carries himself.

Have you been to a lot of cards in person?

The very first one I did was the best for me personally. To this day, it’s my favorite sporting event I’ve ever been to: (Conor) McGregor-(Chad) Mendes. Vegas in July 2015. Obviously McGregor, but he wasn’t yet a champion and still kind of on the rise. It was the energy and atmosphere. It was just wild.

The whole event too. (Robbie) Lawler-(Rory) MacDonald, which had the fight of the year. Every fight on the main card I think was a finish, so I got very lucky at my first event.

I’ve done (Michael) Bisping-(Anderson) Silva in the UK. That was a great contest as well.

There are a lot of great fighters from Australia and New Zealand like Israel Adesanya, Alexander Volkanovski and Robert Whittaker. Have you had a chance to meet any of them?

I haven’t met them. A couple of them I’ve had interactions with on social media. But I love Whittaker, obviously Volkanovski is killing it. I’m fairly patriotic to the Aussie fighters. If they are fighting, 99 percent of the time I’ll be supporting them. But one of my good buddies is roommates with Luke Rockhold, so I got to know Luke the last couple of years. I was trying to do some training over Christmas with him but it didn’t end up working out.

I know you’re a big shoey guy. What do you think of Tai Tuivasa doing it after wins?

I’ve had a bit of contact with Tuivasa as well. It’s obviously great. But one thing I can’t get behind is spitting. That’s a little extra.

Plus he’ll grab some random fan’s shoe.

He definitely takes it to the next level. It’s cool that — as disgusting as it is — we have some traditions like this.

Shifting a bit to F1, have you ever gotten into any big fights on the track? What was the worst fight you’ve gotten in?

Earlier in go-karting there was a bit more. Unfortunately in F1, I guess because you’re on the world’s stage, even if you push someone you probably are going to get a fine or get penalized. At times it’s a little too clean. But I’m still waiting for the day that someone confronts me and I just lay them out (laughs).

You also just seem a lot more laid back than a lot of other drivers, so you’d probably not be my first choice of someone getting into a fight soon.

I’m all talk, it would be nice obviously to not have to fight anyone. But no one would expect it from me. Even when I tell people I’m a fight fan, people are like “oh really? You’re into that? You seem too nice to like that.”

But to get where I have in the sport, you need a bit of a killer streak in you. I do have it, but don’t always show it.

What other driver would make the best fighter?

I know some guys have done — for fitness — hit some pads. Randomly, he doesn’t have a seat this year, but Daniil Kvyat started doing quite a lot of boxing last year for his training. I saw a few clips and it started to look like he knew what he was doing. I would say he would be the guy who has the most idea. I’d put him and myself up there. The rest I don’t think stand a chance.

So if you had a charity event, you don’t have anyone in particular you’d want to go against?

To be honest, I actually asked Lewis Hamilton. At the beginning of 2016, he posted a video on his Instagram hitting pads. I was as well at the time, so I was like “hey, let��s do a charity fight.” I asked him in person. But he didn’t bite on that one so I was a little sad.

I might re-ask the question.

What about Max Verstappen? For people who watched the first season of the F1 show “Drive to Survive” on Netflix, I’m sure they would love to see you guys throw down at some point.

That would have been cool as well (laughs). Max would be a good competitor in the ring. The way he drives, he’s quite stubborn. He’d be a hard guy to put away. He’s probably the guy that you’d choke him and he’s going to sleep and not tapping. That would make an interesting one.

In contrast, is there an MMA fighter you’d like to race on the track?

An obvious one would be Conor McGregor. To hear in his Irish accent all kinds of things, that would make pretty good television. And he loves his cars. It’s obvious, but that would probably be the best.

How often would you say you watch fights now? Not just PPVs, right?

Unless I have something like work or another commitment, I’m watching it every week. Mondays I’m getting ready for every podcast. I sound like a real nerd but it’s just an addiction. I love it. Anyone doing that for Formula 1, I’d be like “you’re such a nerd,” but here I am doing it with MMA.

Is it hard to follow everything during the race season?

If I can’t see it live, then 100 percent I’m going to watch the replay or buy it later. But it’s also a good escape. If I’m traveling and I’m in between races, to get my mind away from my competition, I like to watch it. I also try to pick up things as well. Whether it’s from a mental point of view … I’ll look at the walkouts and how they are behaving. I try to figure out if they are really as calm and collected as they are portraying or if it’s a bit of a facade. I’m trying to work out what I can use in my events.

Do you have a walkout song prepared if you were to fight?

I’ve thought about it. The short answer is no. You typically have to have something heavy and fast, but I fell in love with Chris Weidman’s “Won’t Back Down.” It’s not typically a song that will pump you up but it’s so iconic and now it’s his, it’s very fitting.

I’d go for something more lyrically powerful as opposed to instrumental. I loved Max Holloway’s, I think it’s called Mount Everest (by Labrinth). (X)

[thatbanjobusiness]

Bluegrass Basics #1

WHAT IS BLUEGRASS?

I realize that, what with this being a bluegrass blog and all, I should probably start by explaining... this.

If you’ve hung out with me in the last year and a half, then you’ve been subjected (probably against your will, kicking and screaming) to a Haddock Talks About Bluegrass conversation. Within seconds, you may be bombarded to an inescapable wall of sound as I shriek about G runs, five-strings, and dudes wearing hats named weird stuff like Lester, Burkett, Arthel, Dorris, Junebug, Haskel, and Chi Chi. Understandably, to cope and survive, your mind might have blocked out the worst of the memories... leaving you now with the question, “Well, what is bluegrass? And why does Haddock find it so cool?”

At its simplest, bluegrass is a folk-inspired genre of music originating from the Southern United States that utilizes a core group of acoustic string instruments: guitar, banjo, string bass, mandolin, fiddle, and dobro. However, bluegrass is not a direct preservation of old folk music. Its biggest influences are Scots-Irish fiddle tunes, African-American blues, and gospel music, and in that you can hear a lot of "old" sounds. But bluegrass also began within a commercial setting. Most people date it to the mid-1940s—yes, it's that new!—and it not only integrated new compositions and contemporary songs, but it brought about innovative instrumental techniques that most audiences had never heard before. Since its inception, bluegrass has been a music of unique juxtaposition; it's simultaneously homespun and commercial, simple and technically complex, straddling tradition with truly progressive innovation.

Also. Unlike almost every other genre that exist out there ever, bluegrass can be traced back to and centralized around a *SINGLE* human being. Yeah. That’s right. ONE dude essentially started his own motherfucking genre.

Enter: the Father of Bluegrass. Mr. Bill Monroe (1911-1996). 

This guy.

1. HOW THIS SHIT GOT STARTED

Bill Monroe’s music at the time was considered hillbilly music. (“Hillbilly” was the name of the genre before we changed it to “country”). He was a radio star starting in the 1930s, and by the late 1930s, Bill and his band had become members of a popular, wide-reaching hillbilly music program, the Grand Ole Opry, whose radio signal stretched across the American South. Bill’s music wove together several influences: in particular, he combined the sound of old Scots-Irish fiddle tunes with the pitch bends, syncopation, and blue notes of African-American blues. For good measure, he chucked in four-part gospel songs, threw his singing into the high tenor stratosphere, and pushed the music forward with an urgent drive.

And the name of his act? Bill Monroe and the Blue Grass Boys.

Hmhm... something sounds familiar here... something to do with “blue” and “grass,” maybe.

Bill’s music underwent changes, different personnel, different instruments. Every musician’s contribution is important and worth noting, but regrettably my post would be too long if I talked about them here. I will, however, mention what’s often considered the last piece of the puzzle. On December 8, 1945, Bill introduced a new musician he had just hired, a twenty-one year old banjo picker whose style of playing was so unexpected to audiences that you could barely hear the music above the amazed cheers and shouts from the live crowd. People who heard it on the radio talked about the banjo picker all week; some blokes debated about whether one person was playing or several, or if it was even a banjo at all. I know peeps today don’t tend to think of banjos as “cool” and all, but he was shredding up the instrument like some banjo Jimi Hendrix, as far as they were concerned. It was so exciting. Bill was already a popular performer; under this ensemble he had between then and 1948, he was launched to even more popularity.

I’m not trying to focus just on the banjo, but my point here is to emphasize how bluegrass did invoke monumentally new ideas.

That 1946-1948 group is what we usually consider the first-ever bluegrass band. They created the initial blueprint by which a unique band style emerged. Now, some standard musical features of the genre got locked in during the 1950s after several seminal Blue Grass Boys bandmates left and formed their own band. But this original group’s sound started A Movement™ that trickled down over the decades. New-budding musicians began imitating Bill’s sound in their bands. And also, Bill’s band had constant turnover, meaning that a ton of people went into the Blue Grass Boys, got influenced by Bill, then left to form their own ensembles, carrying with them the musical ideas they’d learned from Monroe.

(And by “constant turnover,” I mean—no joke—Bill had something like 200 official band members over the course of his career.)

^^^ The “Classic Band” of Bill Monroe and the Blue Grass Boys, c. 1947. From left to right: Bill Monroe (mandolin), Chubby Wise (fiddle), Birch Monroe (bass), Lester Flatt (guitar), and Earl Scruggs (banjo). When talking about the classic band, the bassist usually listed is Cedric Rainwater, but here (and legitimately part of the band at the time) is Bill’s older brother Birch.

In the late 1950s and 1960s, mainstream country music had to find a way to compete with the new and oh-so-frustratingly-popular rock-and-roll. Mainstream country music strayed away from scratchy fiddles and banjers and moved to smooth, pop-inspired, electric guitars and background orchestration. And if you didn’t sound like that, you probably weren’t going to be played on mainstream country radio. But there was a notable cluster of acoustic string band musicians who had been left behind... those people and groups who had branched straight off Bill Monroe. By this point, they were distinct enough that their music began to be regularly referred to as... yeah, you guessed it... bluegrass music.

Having been ignored by radio, bluegrass continued through other means, such as festivals that began in the late 60s and 70s. Many musicians brought their own instruments to jam, and to this day, bluegrass is a genre in which it’s common to both pick tunes with friends and family as a social event and go out to see professional performers.

As new generations have entered bluegrass, new ideas and sounds have funneled into it. However, I feel like the theme of combining tradition with innovation remains. For instance, in the 1960s with the Folk Revival, second generation bluegrass musicians simultaneously inserted more several-centuries-old folk songs into the bluegrass repertoire (ex: Fox on the Run), and brought in contemporary rock and pop elements to their bands’s sounds. And while today you may meet bluegrass purists who want to stick with what they heard in the 40s and 50s, you’ll see just as many if not more musicians continue to innovate and expand the genre.

And expand it they will.

2. WHAT MAKES BLUEGRASS MUSIC BLUEGRASS?

As I’ve said before, bluegrass is a somewhat progressive amalgamation and reformulation of older music styles combined with contemporary music. Bluegrass might have been based in part on ideas from British Isles fiddle tunes and African-American blues, but it’s certainly not regurgitating how people played in decades past. Familiar, old elements combine with new, creative, and original concepts. You keep a healthy dose of both old and new.

It’s because of bluegrass that the banjo was completely reformulated as an instrument: changed from a comedic prop that was strummed into an intensely-picked solo instrument. Within bluegrass, banjo performance technique has continued to evolve, new ideas and styles building on top of one another. And let’s not forget the other instruments! The first dobro in a bluegrass band went in extremely unique directions compared to what was heard at the time, taking influences from everything down to banjo technique. At the same time, bluegrass has provided the space for styles like the old-time hoedown fiddle in periods of music where fiddle was ignored.

But....... as you’ve probably been wondering this entire post.... what does this genre sound like?

^^^ The typical instrument set-up for a bluegrass band. In the back is a string bass. In front, left to right, is a banjo, mandolin, fiddle, guitar, and dobro. If you’re not familiar with how to distinguish instruments: basses are plucked and low pitch; banjos sound twangy and play short note values; mandolins are a high-pitched instrument with a mellower sound that often employ tremolo (quickly undulating notes by strumming the strings up and down rapidly); fiddle is... I mean, it’s a violin; guitar is a mellower acoustic instrument that blends sonically with everything; and the dobro (maybe you’ve heard it referred to as a “steel guitar” or “Hawaiian guitar”) has a... uhhh... it’s a unique hound dog tone I have difficulties describing but is very distinct to hear.

A typical ensemble consists of mandolin, guitar, banjo, fiddle, string bass, and sometimes dobro. On rarer occasions, you may see other instruments like autoharp or harmonica (drums are usually considered horrible, forbidden things, even though... for the record... some high-profile bluegrass bands have used them). You’ll notice bluegrass is a distinctly acoustic string band sound.

There are also, of course, vocals, and in bluegrass, there is notable emphasis on tight two-, three-, and four-part harmony. However, what’s interesting about bluegrass as versus, say, other strains of country, is that for bluegrass, it’s about the full band and not just the lead singer. It’s as important to pay attention to the technically-driven solos (“breaks”) that the instruments play between sung verses. Many bluegrass pieces are straight out instrumentals, too.

Every instrument has a role or roles it fulfills in a bluegrass band. In the background, instruments may play rhythm or fills. Rhythm keeps the basic beat. Fills are unobtrusive melodic-sounding fragments that hide behind the vocalist(s) singing the main melody. And when there’s no singing, instruments take turns in the spotlight playing breaks. You can hear any instrument play a break. It’s to note that breaks are often improvised or semi-improvised, which is half of the fun and skill of watching the musicians perform. Ergo, even if the song itself may or may not have simple chord structures and lyrics, it’s also technically advanced with an expectation that every musician can perform fast-paced solos they improvise on the fly.

There’s different types of guitar styles I’ve seen in bluegrass. I’m not a guitarist, so I don’t want to elaborate too far and share incorrect information. However, it’s fair to say that guitar can be anything from a backup rhythm chord strummer to a flat-picked, fast-paced, melodic soloist. There is a VERY distinct guitar fill that happens at the end of lines, phrases, or sections called the G run you’ll hear everywhere. Fiddle I’ve also heard a wide variety of styles. On the dobro side, the dobro tends not to be the “Hawaiian” sound you may be familiar with on a steel guitar, but more geared toward quick, technical, bluesy stuff. Bluegrass banjo has several styles, but the most prototypical is the Scruggs style, where the banjo does rapid-fire, ornamented, three-fingered picking in which a melody line is pulled out at the same time you’re also picking background chord notes.

To describe bluegrass vocals, you’ll sometimes hear the phrase “high lonesome” thrown around. I don’t hear anywhere as much high lonesome sound in contemporary bands as I do first generation, but the high lonesome sound is a description of piercing, high-range vocals. Bill Monroe would even take songs that were usually played in the key of G and pitch them higher into A or B, pushing his and the ensemble’s vocals into a higher range. I remember listening to Monroe and thinking to myself, “Even though it’s male vocals, why is it so easy for me to sing to?” Because I’m a fucking mezzosoprano, and there’s times Monroe hits and holds notes that are at the top of my range. Hot damn.

Rhythmically, bluegrass tends to be a driving genre of music. A term that gets thrown around a bit is “drive.” Even on the slow songs, you may hear the instruments push or strain forward. Beat-wise, bluegrass tends to emphasize both a strong downbeat and hit heavy offbeats in a boom-chick style. That last sentence might not have made sense to non-musicians, so I’ll explain...

When we listen to music, we can clap to it. We can also count along to any song as we clap. Music has an innate structure where, when we count, the sound seems organized in groups of two, three, or four. So, when we count to music, we’ll count repetitively. One song may be groups of two (you’ll count “One two, one two, one two”), groups of three (“One two three, one two three”), or groups of four. Every time you hit the “one,” it sounds bigger. It’s more emphasized. It’s restarting the pattern or unit of counting that’s inherent to the rhythmic structure of music. 

Now, you can subdivide those numbers between your claps. That means you’d count “One (and) two (and), one (and) two (and),” where the “ands” tend to feel smaller and less-emphasized. Those “ands” are called offbeats. In bluegrass, you’ll hear both the numbers and the “ands” clearly hit. The string bass will play the one’s and two’s, while perhaps the mandolin and banjo are emphatically hitting the “ands” in the background.

There are subgenres within bluegrass. You may hear people refer to newgrass, progressive bluegrass, jamgrass, punkgrass, etc. Put a word in front of it, add the word “grass,” and it probably exists. Jewgrass exists and it’s awesome. There’s fusions, too. The Native Howl is a band that combines thrash metal and bluegrass. Gangstagrass is a band that combines bluegrass with hip hop. It’s also to note that bluegrass has long since become international, and there are notable communities and bands of bluegrass from everywhere to Japan to the Czech Republic.

3. RECOMMENDATIONS FOR GETTING STARTED? 

Ummhmhmhm I honestly need a separate post to begin sharing videos, bands, periods of bluegrass, and more. It’s diverse and I love everything from the music coming out in 2020 to the stuff heard in 1947.

I realize that this post skews more toward first generation bluegrass and the starting bands in Ye Olde Days. Because of that, I’ll say this much: the Big Three bands of the early years were Bill Monroe and the Blue Grass Boys, Flatt & Scruggs and the Foggy Mountain Boys, and the Stanley Brothers and the Clinch Mountain Boys. Bill Monroe’s music is “the original” and is based, at least in his mind, the most on the fiddle tunes he grew up with. Flatt & Scruggs skew somewhat more toward a popular culture sound with smoother vocals and instruments like the dobro that other early bluegrass bands did not use. The Stanley Brothers lean the most to mountain old-time music. Every band is wonderful in their own way and I love listening to all.

I’ll leave this post with what was my gateway song into bluegrass. This was the first song I listened to with the intent of experiencing bluegrass, not expecting to like it, but being pleasantly surprised. I fell in love with the song and... well... as you’ve seen... I’m a year and a half into the genre and still charging strong. 

I look forward to continuing to learn about bluegrass, refine my understanding of it, and share those discoveries with y’all in my future posts.

[okayoonoh]

best part (1): lee taeyong

“you don’t know babe, when you hold me and kiss me slowly, it’s the sweetest thing.”

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- PAIRING: lee taeyong x reader - GENRE: ANGST ANGST ANGST, a little tiny tiny smut in there but it barely counts tbh - RATING: it’s a good M for mature. - WORD COUNT: 4,514 - WARNINGS: it’s sad and there’s a little smut in here. it’s not super explicit tho.

a/n: this honestly makes me sad, but i need to learn to write angst and simply doing it is one of the best ways. i hope you guys like it :,)

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Knock, knock, knock

“Y/N please, let me in.”

Your heart aches at every knock. Every fiber of your being is telling you to keep that door shut, to keep him out and forget about him forever. It’s easier this way, for his career and your’s. Everyone knows that nothing about this is okay, you know it and he does as well.

And yet, why do you find yourself standing up and walking towards the door?

You take slow steps walking towards your front door. You hear his knocking becoming even more desperate, almost as if he thought that the louder he knocked, the quicker you would open your door. 

“Y/N please… just let me in. I just want to talk to you...”

Your hand comes in contact with the doorknob, tears still spilling out of your eyes. You keep telling yourself not to open that goddamn door, over and over like a mantra in your head.

And yet, you find yourself turning the doorknob and looking into those wide tear-stained eyes you told yourself you’d never see again. The second the door opened wide enough for him to enter, he wrapped his arms around you, holding the back of your head, pressing your sobbing form against his body. You grasped onto the grey sweater he was wearing, sobbing. You want to break away from him. You want to live far away so you’ll never have to see him anymore. You want to push him away. You want to live a life without him. 

It’s crazy, really. 2 months ago, your mindset about him was complete the complete opposite. 2 months ago, you thought you’d never push him away. 2 months ago you were his best friend, the one friend that stuck with him when he became an idol. You told him everything and he to you. Any little issue and accomplishment, he told you. Any little exam you passed and depressing mood you’ve been in, you’ve confided in him. You never thought you would ever want to let him go, he was your lifeline, the one and only thing you’ve ever wanted to hold onto for the rest of your life. He was your best friend, your ride or die. He made you feel so safe and accepted every when you were at your worst. So, why are you sitting here, the most confused you’ve been your entire life, about him? Someone you used to be so sure, so confident that you would never, ever, have to worry about him of all people. Why him?

---

4 months ago

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“Y/N! Open your door! I have news!” 

You move your laptop to the side as you walk towards your door, rolling your eyes. You know that voice like the back of your hand. You twist the door handle and pull, greeted by the excited expression of your best friend.

“Hyunzie? Why are you here at 10:00 at night? I thought you were at Sicheng’s place?” you quip.

She rolls her eyes, already walking inside of your apartment, “Wow, I love you too. But I was at Sicheng’s place but this news is way too important for me not to tell you now!” 

She stalks over to your kitchen, making herself and you a cup of tea. 

“Okay, Hyunzie, if it’s this important, why are you making me tea?” You ask while accepting the mug she hands you. 

“Because I would like to ‘spill the tea’” Her eyes light up, waiting for your response. 

You give her a true, mint condition, authentic, fake laugh, “Ha ha. Seriously, Hyunzie. I was finalizing some reports while watching the last episode of ‘The Amazing Irish Cooking Show’. What is so urgent that you had to cut me off from Moira taking home the gold?”

“Okay, first of all, Moira doesn’t even win, second of all, why are you so sassy today?” 

“Hyunzie.”

“Fine Mr. Grumpy Pants I’ll tell you. So, I’m just going to tell you the most important thing now since I don’t think you want the build up. We’re moving to Seoul.”

“Hyunzie, stop messing around, just tell me the news and go home, it’s getting late.”

“No, Y/N, I’m being 100% serious. You remember how Sicheng and Taeyong sent in your song to SM? They’re offering us a job!”

You look your best friend directly in her eyes. You know when she’s lying, but none of those signs are being shown right now.

You stutter, “We-- We’re leaving? You’re not kidding me, right? And-- and us? Did they--”

She purses her lips and nods, “Yes! Sicheng sent in my artwork as well, they want me to work for them for their next comeback! We’re moving to Seoul!”

You open your arms, enveloping Hyunzie in the biggest hug. Tears threaten to spill from your eyes. You did it. You’re finally getting a chance to be heard. You can finally put an end to your mindless desk job and do the thing you’ve dreamed of doing ever since, well, ever. 

You separate from the hug and press your hand to your burning cheeks, trying not to freak out too badly. “So, when do we leave?”

Hyunzie doesn’t miss a beat, “As soon as possible. Sicheng has already laid out a place for us to stay until we find a place. I’m ready to go whenever you are. I know it’ll take a while for you to actually quit your job and stuff, but I’ll help you pack and everything! We’re in this together Y/N.”

You nod and grab your laptop from where you set it down. “I’ll send in the 2 weeks now.” Hyunzie nods back, grabbing the remote and pressing play, putting your favorite show back on. 

A couple hours past and Hyunzie fell asleep on the side of your couch when you added the final touch to your reports and your two weeks notice. You yawn, looking towards your best friend. Your heart fills with so much love knowing that she is sticking with you throughout this entire event. Ever since her secret relationship with Sicheng started, she’s been nothing but the best version of herself. No, Sicheng is not the man who “magically” changed her, he knows that, but he also knows that Hyunzie doesn’t need him. Hyunzie and Sicheng compliment each other so well, not one personality being overshined by the other. The sneaking around between the two is something that most couples would hate, but due to the secretive and private nature of the both of them, they find it thrilling to flirt in the shadows and act as complete “strangers”.  

If Hyunzie never took the chance to talk to the cute regular who showed up in the cafe where she worked, you would have never had the chance to even send in your music to SM. Sure, Taeyong could have given you the inside scoop, but you never wanted to seem like you were using Taeyong. Sicheng was willing to stop by and he felt the same about you and your music. He agrees that your music should be shared and with the help of Taeyong, your music now has a greater chance than ever before. 

Ring ring ring

Your ears perk as you look at the caller ID. Speak of the devil.

“Y/N, it’s me! Did Hyunzie tell you the news? I’m so sorry, I finally got a free chance to talk to you, I’m actually in the States right now with the rest of the member--”

“Hey Taeyong-ie, and yes, Hyunzie is actually sleeping on my couch at this very moment. She told be the information like an hour ago? Look, I can’t thank you enoug--”

“Nonsense, I’ve always known your music should be shared. I just didn’t know what time would be best and apparently Sicheng just sent it in today, and I wasn’t even there to see everyone’s reactions!”

You giggle, “Don’t worry about it, Youngie. I’m still in shock with everything right now.” 

“I know, it’s a crazy feeling isn’t it? I can’t even remember what went through my mind when I passed my audition.”

“I honestly am not sure with anything I’m feeling, but I have one thing for certain.”

“Hm?”

“I can’t wait to work with you on the daily. It’ll be just like when we were kids.”

You can practically hear his smile through the phone, your heart flutters at the thought. 

“I know Y/N! It’ll be just like old times! I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of the members, I just hope Johnny and Jaehyun can turn down the flirtiness when you get here. We have no room for any relationships, except for the godly couple of Hyunzie and Sicheng, they are the exception.”

“Amen. Well, I just finished my two weeks. I’m going to send it in tomorrow and begin packing as soon as I can.”

“I’m glad! You can do so much better than that mindless job, Y/N. I always knew you could… You’ve always been so -- What? What do you mean Xuxi broke the entire light structure? -- I’m so sorry Y/N, I have to take care of this. Look, text me if you need anything, I’m down to help you with whatever you need. We leave the States in three days, so I’ll be home to help you by then. I’ll see you when I get home!”

“It’s okay, Youngie, you have your leader duties to attend to. Tell Lucas to be careful and take it easy on yourself, okay? I’ll see you soon, thank you for everything.”

“Thank you too, bye bye!”

The call ends and you hold your phone close to your chest. Even just the sound of Taeyong’s voice makes you happy beyond belief. Imagining spending everyday with him fills you with so much elation, it’s hard to hold back. Taeyong and you grew up together, best friends before you even met Hyunzie. Together, you and him could conquer the world. Your parents would say that, even his sister. You both were notorious for talking the ears off of anyone and everyone and even conducting elaborate pranks you pulled on his sister and even your family members. When he joined SM, he had to move away to Seoul while you stayed in your hometown. He knew that he didn’t want to lose contact with you, and did all he could to make sure you would never lose this close bond the two of you have. There are underlying feelings between you two, you just can’t quite pinpoint it. Or your mind simply won’t let you knowing about all of that negative backlash that you would receive. 

A loud snore shakes you from your thoughts as your eyes shoot towards Hyunzie’s sleeping form. You giggle lightly, grabbing the blanket that drapes off of the side of the bed and lay it on your best friend. You turn off the lamp then head off to your room, getting ready to start this new era of your life. 

---

2 weeks (and, like, 2 days) later

---

Surprisingly, with the help of your movers and all of the free members of NCT, you were able to move and unpack almost instantly. Hyunzie and you basically sold all of your old furniture to buy new ones, so the only things you both had to worry about was your clothes and such. The new apartment is filled with loud music and laughs all throughout as the members all work hard to help you build all of your new furniture from the iconic Ikea. Hyunzie and Sicheng occupy themselves with the coffee table, flirting and lightly arguing more than building the actual surface. You, Johnny, and Taeyong busy yourselves in the kitchen, sorting out all of the dishes and pans, Johnny’s main goal is carefully placing all of your important bowls and dishes in the high shelf. 

“Again, thank you so much for all of your help,” You say, handing Johnny a decorative bowl your mother gave you as a gift when you moved to your own place for the first time.

“It’s no problem! We’re in between comebacks right now, so all we really do is wait for the Dreamies to post ASMR videos or my JCC stuff, but sometimes taking a break and doing things like this is better than filming everything 24/7 y’know? It’s almost therapeutic.” Johnny says cheerfully, giving you a gentle smile. 

“So Y/N,” Johnny begins, lifting the next box and moving to the next set of cabinets, “How did you and Taeyong meet? I know you guys grew up together, but like what’s the history?”

You smile, looking at the boy in the living room who is currently settling the argument between Sicheng and his girlfriend. 

“Well, historically, we’ve just been close friends,”

“No, no. Like, romantically. I’ve seen the way Taeyong lights up when he talks about you. There’s no way there’s no history between the two of you.”

You hesitate when you hand him the next plate. He is right, it’s not like there wasn’t anything going between the two of you, there definitely was something, “Well… if I’m being completely honest, there was. But it all ended when he left.”

Johnny nods, “I see, I see. Well, never say never! You’re back now, so anything could happen. And I mean, if it doesn’t work with him.... I know this tall, Chicago man that is available…” 

He smirks at you suggestively. You pull the towel that rests on his neck then hit his side.

“Hey hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game.” He laughs. You roll your eyes as you grab the empty box and put it in the pile of empty boxes. 

The rest of the afternoon goes rather smoothly as everyone finishes up with your’s and Hyunzie’s apartment. You and Taeyong sit on the couch while Hyunzie and Sicheng sit on the ground, leaning against the coffee table they assembled together. Hyunzie leans her head on Sichengs shoulder, dozing off. A movie plays in the background while you and Taeyong talk softly.

You stretch while Taeyong grabs your attention.

“Y/N, I just wanted to let you know that I’m so happy you’re here now.”

You smile at you him, “I am, too. I finally feel like I’m doing something worth my time, you know?”

He nods at you, “I know what you mean. Look, I also want to apologize for not being there for you--”

“--Tae, I’m going to stop you right there. I completely understand, I wouldn’t still be your best friend if I didn’t understand. I love you, more than you could ever know, Tae. You never have to apologize to me for anything.”

He gives you a somber smile, then gently places his hand over yours, “Thank you for being you. I love you, too.”

Your heart clenches, hearing him say those words truly fills you with joy. You know that he said it platonically, but you for sure didn’t. You honestly don’t mind it being a one-sided love. It’s better this way for everyone. Well, everyone except for you. But you were at peace with it. You know that Taeyong simply can’t be with you; the repercussions are too extreme. But right now, he isn’t Taeyong, the leader of NCT. He’s Lee Taeyong, your childhood best friend and the man you’re completely and utterly in love with.

---

2 months later

---

Your life as a songwriter has been amazing for its first month. Your song was recorded with all of the boys singing it wonderfully; the head producer said the songs you wrote were some of NCT’s best. 

You sit in a studio, laying some tracks over each other when you hear a knock at the door. The clear glass door shows the handsome features of Taeyong and you smile at him, stepping out of your chair to let him in.

He lifts up a plastic bag filled, two boxes of sushi inside. Your eyes light up as you walk with him to the couch inside of the studio.

“I got you your favorite,” he smiles while taking out a box for you.

“You know me so well,”

“Of course I do! I also know that you’re not going to be able to break these chopsticks evenly.”

Snap. Right as he says that, you broke your chopsticks, unevenly at the top. You stick your tongue out at him, giving him some sass.

“Okay you, you’re right but you didn’t have to be.”

He laughs, “I’m sorry. I just can’t resist. Anyway, how is the song-writing going? Are you giving Renjun any insane lines?”

You shake your head, “I’m actually just working on the beat for the rap track right now. Jaemin and Jeno have really increased their rap game from what I can remember. They can deal with something super complex.”

Taeyong nods, “Who would you say is your favorite rapper right now?”

“Between Jaemin and Jeno?”

“No, just in general.”

“NCT in general? Or in general, general?”

“In general, general! Y/N, stop bouncing around the question,” he whines slightly. You snicker. You know he’s trying to get you to say his name, but you won’t give him that satisfaction.

“Well, my favorite rapper right now has to be the rap god of NCT.”

“See! Was that so--”

“Yes, Mark Freaking Lee. Baby Lion really knows whats up.”

“O-Oh…” Taeyong suddenly finds his sushi really interesting as his gaze isn’t on you anymore.

You punch his arm, “Stop pouting dummy, of course I’m kidding. You’re my favorite rapper by default.”

His expression lights up, “Hehe, thank you.”

You both finish up the meal, happy and full. A chime goes off on your phone and you check it, your stomach drops. Even though it’s only your second month working for SM, other companies have noticed your work and they want you to work for them. SM gives you a pretty paycheck, but these other companies want to give you more. After they saw your work with NCT’s comeback, they want to see what else you can do. Other companies are offering you more money for your songs and you genuinely don’t know what to do.

“Tae, I have to tell you something.”

He knows that tone. He knows that you want to talk to him about something serious. “Let’s go for a walk.” 

---

You walk outside, your breath coming out as puffs of clouds because of the cold air. Taeyong walks beside you, walking perfectly at your side.

You hide your head in your scarf, attempting to warm your cheeks, as you sigh.

“Yongie, JYP is offering me a job. They’re willing to pay me almost double what SM is paying me right now.”

Taeyong stops walking as you do too.  “Y/N! That’s amazing!”

You sigh, “That’s the thing. I want to take it, but I love working for SM and more importantly, I love working with you.”

Taeyong sighs and places his hands on your shoulder, causing you to look up at him, “Look, distance has never been an issue with us. Whatever choice you make, you’ll make the right one. I’ll be by your side no matter what happens.”

“Yeah bu--”

“No! No buts. No matter what happens, we’ll be okay Y/N, I promise.”

You look up at him. You take in his beautiful face, something you’re so glad you can see it up close. You look at his big doe eyes, his angled nose and jawline that seem like they were sculpted by the gods themselves. You pay close attention to his lips that are formed in a slight pout. You never realized how soft his lips looked before. You question how they might feel against--

Woah. Where did that come from? 

You sniff as the lump in your throat isn’t so tight anymore. You look back up to his eyes and nod. You know you’ll be happy with whatever you choose because you have him. He gives you a light hearted smile then he reaches for your cold hand, holding it in his warm ones. Your heart flutters, but you don’t question him. This is exactly the amount of comfort you need right now. 

You guys continue your walk, hand in hand, his warmth reassuring you that everything will be okay.

Click. Click. Click.

---

3 months later

---

This all leads you  here. That night, you were being reckless and you or Taeyong didn’t think about the repercussions. Taeyong walked you home that night and you woke up to your social media and your email and your texts all full beyond belief.

New SM employee already cozies up to NCT’S Leader, Lee Taeyong

“Who is this girl? She’s a nobody.”

“It finally makes sense how she got into SM! It’s all Taeyong’s doing!”

“I can’t believe someone is taking our Taeyong away from us! She’s not nearly good enough for him!”

“What does Taeyong see in a girl like her??? She’s not even pretty.”

You read all those comments and immediately shut down. You didn’t realize what had happened that night until you read who the source was from. Dispatch saw you and Taeyong that night and ran with the story. Your whole career and Taeyong’s career was ruined. Hyunzie ran into your room that morning, throwing your phone away from you. You cried. Because that one night, you were so reckless, you ruined your best friends career. You packed a bag then headed back to your hometown, you needed to be away from there for a while.

From that moment, you cut off all ties you had with Taeyong, not even talking to him after that event. You were only thinking for him. It’s better for everyone this way. You took the job with JYP and you have been working there ever since. 

You moved back in with Hyunzie after everything died down a bit. She promised you that she wouldn’t let Taeyong in when he came, but it seemed that he didn’t want to see you either. He didn’t visit you after he learned you moved away. He was away on tour when you came back, so you knew you didn’t have to avoid him.

Except for now.

He just returned from tour and it brings you back here, he’s knocking at your door. God, of all the times Hyunzie chose to be with Sicheng, it had to be now. You’re weak, you open the door and he lets himself in as he hugs you. Your tears spilling into his shirt. 

He holds you tight and he holds you close, seeming scared that you would float away from him if he let go. He holds the back of your head into his chest as he leans into your neck, crying himself.

“Y/N, why?” he sobs quietly. “What happened?”

You don’t answer. You quietly cry into his shirt. You don’t know why. You thought it would be best for everyone this way, but now, in his arms, you realize it wasn’t.

He breaks away from the hug and holds your face in his hands, his tear stained eyes staring into yours. You don’t think it’s possible for your heart to break anymore than it already has, but it does when you see his glossy eyes. He wipes the tears that spill from your eyes as he places his forehead against yours. 

He whispers so softly, “Please, don’t leave me.”

Again, you don’t respond. You gently brush your lips against his and he returns your kiss. He kisses you slowly, your heart clenches. This moment is the sweetest you’ve ever had, but it’s equally the saddest. You’re finally doing the thing you’ve wanted to do for the longest time, but why does it hurt?

You break away from the kiss as he keeps his forehead on yours. You close your eyes, trying to savor the moment. You feel safe, you feel protected, you feel love. 

You know none of this can’t last.

Those happy emotions you feel make everything so much worse. You know that he can’t stay. You know that it can’t be like this. You know that your heart will just break in the end.

He kisses you again, this time with more passion. It hurts, but you can’t stop.

“Y/N please, I’m sorry.”

“Prove it to me, then. Don’t stop kissing me.”

He doesn’t. He holds you so close because it’s almost as if he knows the second that he lets go, you let go too.

Your back hits your mattress, his lips still on yours. Clothes are shed, tears still fall. Your bodies mold as one as he proves to you, again and again, the extent of his love. You cry even more. You love him so much, but that’s why you can’t be with him. 

When he holds you, when he kisses you, it’s the sweetest thing. That’s why it hurts the most.

The life of an idol isn’t one for you and you know that. It fits Taeyong well, which is why this is your last night with him. You love him so much, that’s why you can’t keep him. He was never your’s to keep.

You look over at his sleeping form, his bottom half covered by your covers. You lean over and kiss his head one more time before you stand up. You quietly pack up your bag then head out the door. JYP has a branch in Japan that they want you to head and you were on the fence about it. 

Seeing Taeyong one more time helped you make up your mind. You leave a note for Hyunzie and send her a text. You found a last minute flight to Tokyo, you bought the last ticket, and you’re on your way.

You love Lee Taeyong too much to stay with him. Staying with him will only taint his image.

When he held you, when he kissed you, it was the sweetest thing. 

But it’ll just have to live on in that memory.

---

i hate writing angst for this exact reason....

this is my first official angsty piece tho! i hope you guys liked it :)

it’s been a while but my writer’s block is finally gone! i’ll continue on with more fluffy pieces for this series :)))

anyway, this part may have a part 2? we’ll see the vibes of the lyrics

- amy <3

[fluffyunicornofdanger]

Rhinestone Part Two

A/N: Here is the long awaited second part of Rhinestone. I’m sorry it took so long, I’ve had so much going on with school and all that crap. I think that Rhinestone will be finished up at the end of May, beginning of June, but I’m not a 100% sure on that, though. I don’t know when everything is gonna get done, but it will. I swear. I hope you guys enjoy this and feel free to request something or just message me or whatever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Masterlist

70s! Roger Taylor x Reader

Summary: It’s hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world. Y/n knows that first hand as she’s had to deal with her boss’s advances for years, with no way to avoid them. But that all changes when a certain blonde bumps into her in the street.

Part 2 of ?

Part 1

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: Language

A crumpled paper twirled through the air before landing in the waste bin with a soft thud. The room was filled with smoke as the two men sat, staring off into space. They had been working for hours, making little progress. John and Freddie had both called it a night hours earlier as Freddie had dinner plans with his family and John had stayed up the night before working through a song. Everyone was exhausted, giving their all and gaining little in the process.

That’s what left Roger and Brian alone to sort through all their unfinished songs. They needed to get the new album finished, they needed to get rid of all the stress and pressure that had been mounted on top of them.

“It’s a good deal,” Brian commented on the subject that had caused them to get off track. But it didn’t seem that they were going to get anything accomplished, so neither cared. “I don’t see why you don’t wanna do it.”

The blond snorted. “Why? Because my time is better spent here-” He pointed to the recording booth behind him, to all the papers that surrounded them. “-working on our songs then who knows where singing disco,” he spoke the word as if it was the devil’s music. No one was quite sure where his disdain for the genre came from, but Brian knew that little would get him to sing anything close to it.

Brian shook his head. He didn’t see what the problem was. Not only would he get a chance to get their music out there, get exposure, but he would also be helping someone in the process. If it were him, he would jump on that opportunity. Everyone could always use a helping hand. But it seemed that the only person Roger Taylor cared about at that moment was himself.

“What about the girl?”

“What about her?” He took the cigarette from between his lips, waiting for his friend to answer.

Brian sat up, resting his elbows on his knees. “You should stop being a prick and help her out.” His friend rolled his eyes. “Alright, don’t then. Be the prick you always are, but wouldn’t you want someone to help you out if you were in that situation?”

Roger turned away from his friend, thinking it over. Even Brian knew there was nothing to gain from helping the poor girl. She would be the only one to get anything from winning the deal, anyway. He would get a car, but he already had one and if he really wanted a new one, he wasn’t short on cash. The only thing to be gained from it would be a good feeling in his heart and he didn’t care to have that.

But he could get more than a car if he played his cards right.

Turning back to Brian, a smile plastered on his face, he nodded. “I think I would be grateful if someone helped me out. I think I will call her. I’ll go do that right now.”

Brian gave the man a suspicious look as he stood from his chair to go find a phone. “I know that smirk, you better not do anything stupid,” he called after him.

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

Putting this cigarette between his lips, Roger wandered out into the hall, walking to the phone at the front of the building. If he was going to have to suffer through listening to disco then he was going to get something out of it that was better than a car.

He grabbed the phone off the hook, dialing the numbers of the club. He waited as it rang, drumming his fingers against the hard surface that it rested on to the beat of a song he was working on. If they changed the lyrics, it would probably fit with the beat, he thought. But they could also scrap it for something that wouldn’t start a fight between everyone. His attention turned back to the phone when loud noise, that of a bar, floated through the line.

“Daisy Duke’s, how can I help you?” a woman with a thick Irish accent asked.

“Is Y/n working tonight?”

There was no answer as shouting could be heard in the background and then the faint sound of glass shattering. Roger rolled his eyes, the woman should have been used to that. She shouldn’t have even been fazed by the noise. Bars were prone to fights, even the nice ones. Even clubs. Roger would know, he had started more than he was willing to admit.

“Ah, she’s only working during the weekend, I can give ya her home number if ya’d like,” the woman offered, distracted by whatever was going on around her.

He shrugged, anything was better than nothing. “Sure, why not?”

After the woman gave him the number, he thanked her and hung up, mumbling the number to himself as not to forget it. “Alright, let’s try this again.”

Dialing the new number, he leaned against the wall, waiting for someone to pick up. There was a good chance that Y/n would be home, seeing as how it was near midnight. Probably asleep, but home. Roger twirled the phone cord between his fingers until the dial tone cut.

“Hello,” a sleepy voice said through the line.

A smile tugged on his lips. “Y/n? This is Roger Taylor. We met a couple days back.”

She mumbled in response, probably trying to fight off sleep. “Oh, yeah. I remember. Dick move to call me a week later.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a ping of guilt for not only waking her up but also taking his time to contact her. But it wasn’t like she had made much of an effort to get him too. “Sorry about that. I’ve… I’ve been busy with work.”

“Haven’t we all,” she dragged, yawning in the process. “But now we only have two weeks.”

“It’ll be plenty of time,” he offered with confidence. It couldn’t be that hard to sing disco. He already knew how to sing so it wasn’t like they were starting from rock bottom. He would just die a little inside each time he had to, that’s all.

Y/n groaned. “Sure, plenty of time.”

“Maybe we could meet at the club in the morning.”

“No,” she disagreed. “We can meet at the restaurant across from it.”

                                                   *~~~~~*

Y/n looked like the walking dead as she rested her head on her hands, waiting for Roger to show up. She had already been waiting at their table for 30 minutes. As much as she would have liked to take her time getting ready and walk to the restaurant, her brain wouldn’t let her. Songs and rhythm were flowing through her mind, making it hard for her to do much of anything. She wasn’t sure how musical Roger was, it’s not like it would matter. She would have little time, either way, to make something out of him. It was just so hard for her to think of any songs that she to start him out with.

That is what caused her to look like she had risen from the dead.

After talking with him on the phone, she couldn’t stop thinking about how she was going to make it all work. If given more time, if he had called her the day after they met, maybe she would already know, have a plan written out. But she didn’t and there was no time for that now. She had a little more than two weeks to whip him into shape and make him the best disco singer that he could be. Nothing was going to stop her from that.

There was no way in hell that she was going to lose the bet without a fight.

She was about to drift off when the chair across from her was pulled out and the blonde she was waiting for took a seat. Y/n rolled her eyes, leaning back in her chair, he looked like he spent 30 minutes in the bathroom. Probably on his hair. He dressed better than she had, too, probably getting a full night's sleep.

“You look sick,” he noted, his voice laced with a hint of concern.

Running a hand down her face, she sighed, “Just tired.”

“I see you already ate.” He gestured to the empty plate in front of her. A little upset that she didn’t wait for him. Even his worst dates had waited for him to arrive before ordering and eating.

She shrugged. “I was hungry and unwilling to wait for you.”

He nodded, signaling the waitress that was walking past them so he could get some food as well. With a hot plate of food in front of him, he asked, “When do you want to get to work?”

“After you’re done.”

He raised his brow. “Are you sure?”

Y/n nodded, stirring the spoon that rested in her cold cup of coffee. She would be unable to get much of anything else done without finding out if she was going to have to deal with Richard for another five years. “Yep.”

Roger put his fork down, looking her in the eyes. It was clear to him that he would be doing nothing but work around her. “You’re not afraid that I’m a creep or serial killer or anything like that? Cause I could be, you never know.”

She laughed at his question. “I’m pretty sure you’re not, but if you are I have plenty of practice dealing with creeps.”

“What about serial killers?”

“I have yet to meet one and I’m pretty sure you aren’t one.”

His face dropped, “How do you know?”

Y/n shook her head, digging in her pocket for her wallet. “I don’t think you would want to get your hands dirty.” She gestured to his manicured nails before pulling a wad of cash out of her wallet.

“Whatever,” he brushed it off. “What’s the plan for all this?”

She leaned back in her chair, stretching her arms over her head. “Well, there really isn’t one seeing as how you took your sweet time to call me.”

That would forever bother her. There were many things that she was willing to move past, never crossing her mind again, but this seemed to not be one of them. She wasn’t even asking much of the man and there was a possibility that he could get signed by some producer if he did well at the club. But he didn’t seem to care about that. Roger probably didn’t take the bet seriously, she didn’t blame him, but her life was on the line. She needed to make something of him, good or bad, it was her only chance of escaping the hell hole that she was forced to work at.

If it wasn’t for Richard, she would have enjoyed her job. They paid for everything in an attempt to make her happy. She didn’t have to worry about paying rent and she made quite a lot for only working three nights out of the week. She brought in customers, people traveled from throughout the city just to listen to her sing. They needed her. But she didn’t need to be harassed every time she showed up to work. And if making a random man a singer was the only way for her to get out of that then that was what she was going to do.

And thanks to said man, she had less time than she liked to do so.

“We’ll make one up as we go, I guess,” she suggested. “See how good you are at what.”

He smirked, “Well if it helps, I can play the drums.”

“It doesn’t.”

Roger shook his head, loose strands of hair falling in his face. How was he supposed to work with her? He didn’t think they would accomplish anything. “What would help then?”

“Can you sing?”

“Yes.”

“Great.” She stood from her chair, stuff her wallet back in her pocket. “Let’s go then. We got no time to waste.”

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Permanent Taglist: @rexorangecouny @jennyggggrrr @zestygingergirl

Rhinestone Taglist: @sunflower-borhap-boys @rrrogah-tayluhh @itsametaphorbriansblog @rtyler19 @silvver-rose @moe-jazzello

(Let me know if you want to be tagged for the next part or if you want to be added to the permanent taglist.)

[jade4813]

A Lie, Told Often Enough, Chapter 7

Author Notes: Inspired by @fallinginloveinaflash‘s AU prompt. All credit for the idea goes entirely to her.

Title: A Lie, Told Often Enough

Rating: NC-17

Synopsis: Iris just landed her dream job at a PR firm and her first assignment is reforming the bad boy image of celebrity artist Barry Allen. He’s overly cocky and well-known for being a playboy, but Iris has never met a challenge she couldn’t handle.

Chapters: 7/?

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Barry was in a bad mood as he stopped playing and stepped back from the microphone with a curse. “This isn’t working,” he grumbled.

“You need to –” Harry’s voice carried into the recording studio through the overhead speaker.

“I know what I need to do,” he snapped as he put his guitar aside. “It isn’t working. I need a break.”

A short silence followed his churlish remark, and then Harry agreed, “All right. Let’s take a break. I’m going to go grab something to eat. Ah, Barry, you have a guest.”

Barry turned just in time to see Iris walk through the door into the live room of the recording studio. He frowned; he hadn’t realized she was there. “I didn’t want to distract you,” she explained, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets. When he didn’t respond, she shrugged. “You haven’t been returning my calls.”

Barry turned away with a scowl. “I don’t let people listen to my music before it’s done.” He knew he was being an ass. His foul mood wasn’t likely to endear him upon her. But his new song wasn’t coming along as well as he’d hoped. It was a love song, but Harry kept telling him he was singing the words, not feeling them. Unfortunately, though Barry kept trying, he couldn’t seem to get through whatever mental block was holding him back.

It probably didn’t help that he couldn’t get Iris’s words – that they weren’t even friends – out of his mind. He was pretending to be in a relationship with a woman who didn’t even see him as a friend, and he was supposed to sing like a man who was happy in love? How was he supposed to do that?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

He shrugged. “Harry should have,” he grumbled.

Iris sighed. “Barry, is something wrong?”

“Well, the song –”

“Not with the song. With you and me.” When he shot a look at her over his shoulder, she unflinchingly met his eyes. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for two days. You haven’t returned my calls. And your attitude today is hardly welcoming. Is everything okay? Are you regretting getting into all this?”

He sighed, running one hand through his hair in frustration. “You know, I wish you’d stop asking me that.”

Unperturbed, she lifted her eyebrows at him. “I wish you’d stop giving me a reason to.”

Stifling a groan, he tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “Look, I’m sorry. I know I’m in a bad mood. My album is running late, the song isn’t going well, and it’s not the kind of thing I normally share with people I’m not close to. I’m still trying to figure out how to negotiate our pretend relationship. We aren’t really dating, and like you said, we aren’t really friends either. So I don’t know where that leaves us on a day like today.”

“Do you want to be friends?” she asked softly.

“Do you?” he shot back in frustration. Bypassing the stool standing nearby, Barry lowered himself to the floor, stretching his legs out in front of him.

Silence stretched between them as Iris crossed the room and sat on the floor next to him. “I don’t know,” she finally admitted.

Inexplicably, that made him laugh, though the sound was a harsh bark, devoid of humor. “Thanks. That makes me feel better.”

Iris shifted, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. “The thing is, I just can’t figure you out. Who’s the real Barry Allen? The shameless playboy the tabloids love to report about? The arrogant rock star? The romantic heartthrob you want the world to believe you to be?”

“Maybe I’m all of them,” he suggested, lying back. He hadn’t slept well the night before, and he was exhausted. Plus, he didn’t want to see her disappointment in him with every word that left his mouth.

“Or maybe you’re none of them,” she offered gently.

He shifted, throwing his arm across his eyes. For the first time in their conversation, his voice was soft and just a little bit sad as he replied, “I’m not sure I even know anymore. I may not be used to being in a pretend relationship, but I’ve lived in the spotlight for so long, I’m not sure I remember what my life was before all that. Knowing that everything I do is going to be caught on camera and dissected for people who think they know everything about me because they’ve read the stories online. I am who the world wants me to be. Does anything else really matter?”

She didn’t say anything in response to his statement. He had sounded so self-pitying, he wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d decided to just get up and leave. Instead, he startled, jumping slightly when he felt the soft brush of lips against his own. Acting on instinct, Barry lifted the arm flung across his eyes and wrapped his palm around the back of her neck, pulling her in closer. Her lips parted above his, and he drew her down on top of him, her hair tickling his cheek as he deepened the kiss.

Her body was warm where she pressed against him, and he wanted to stay in that moment forever. In another second, however, she placed her palm on her chest and lifted herself off him. They stared at each other in silence for a long moment, and then Barry asked in a voice barely above a whisper, “What was that for?”

Irish was blushing. Her smile was sheepish, and she wouldn’t meet his eyes as she explained, “Everyone should know what it’s like to be kissed without having to worry about how it’s going to play for the cameras.” Still not looking at him, she got to her feet and moved to the door. “I’ll let you get back to work. I really didn’t mean to intrude.”

“No, it’s – it’s okay,” he replied. “I was just – I’m frustrated with the song. I don’t mind if you watch. Really.” He hated for people to hear his work before it was ready, but now that Iris was about to leave, he found he didn’t want her to go.

She smiled down at him, finally meeting his eyes. “Maybe next time. I really just came back to remind you to return my calls.” He laughed when she playfully nudged him with her foot. She turned to leave, but at the door, she paused and looked at him over her shoulder. “When you find the real Barry Allen, let me know. I think I would like to be his friend.”

Barry was still lying on the floor when he heard Harry return to the control booth. Grinning, he jumped to his feet. “All right, let’s try this again,” he called out as he grabbed for his guitar. With his lips still warmed from her kiss and the memory of her body against his, he started to sing.

Later that evening, Iris was about to shut down her computer when Patty’s name in a headline caught her eye. With a frown, she pulled up the article in question. A quick perusal, and she saw that Patty’s attempts to recreate her image had backfired. Though she’d wanted to tarnish her image a little, her publicist had apparently overshot the mark.

The moment the pictures of her and her costar on a beach had hit the Internet, people had started to speculate how long their affair had been going on. What had begun as a salacious bit of gossip and innuendo blew up when old photos were leaked of Patty and the actor’s wife hanging out together. Rumors flew that she hadn’t just had an affair with a costar; she’d betrayed a friend. In the last twenty-four hours, “insiders” had stepped forward to claim that this wasn’t the first time Patty had engaged in an illicit affair – or done so at the expense of a friend. Her image wasn’t just being slightly tarnished. It was being eviscerated.

After the tough spot they’d left Iris and Barry in, she knew she could ignore the predicament Patty and her team were in. Nobody would blame her for leaving them to fix the mess they’d made. But even as she shut down her browser, she could hear Mason’s voice in her head. “Never burn a bridge you don’t have to in this business. You don’t know if you’ll ever need to cross it again in the future.” Their industry was built on favors and IOUs, and perhaps it wouldn’t be the worst decision to obtain her first marker now.

Grabbing her phone, she pondered the situation and the list of clients currently being handled by Bridge Communications. It might take some finesse, but she could think of a couple of ways they could help rehabilitate Patty’s image while also giving their own clients a needed boost in PR. If anyone could do it, it was Mason, she decided as she texted Patty’s PA. “Saw the news. Will come out with a statement in support in upcoming interview. MB may have client able to help. Let us know.”

She finished shutting everything down and was just crawling into bed when she heard her phone ping with a new message. Assuming it was a response from the PA, she grabbed her phone and was surprised to see Barry’s name on the screen.

“Sorry about my attitude today. I was having a rough day, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’d send you flowers if I wasn’t worried you’d throw them at me.”

Iris laughed. Smiling, she texted back, “Why would I? The flowers didn’t do anything to deserve that.”

She saw the three ellipses that indicated he was typing a response and grinned even wider when it came in. “But I did? Ouch. I probably deserved that.” She was in the middle of typing her response when his next text came in. “Let me make it up to you. My parents invited us over to their house for a couple of days. They want to meet you.”

Her smile fell, and she stared at her phone as she tried to figure out how to respond. Why would they want to meet her, unless they thought her relationship with Barry was real? She knew fooling the whole world that they were in love was rather the point, but it somehow seemed particularly duplicitous – and just a little bit cruel – to fool their parents. Iris hadn’t had a chance to talk to her dad in depth about the pseudo-relationship since he was working out of town at the moment, but she had at least given him a quick call with a head’s up that it was a sham.

Before she could figure out how to respond, however, the next text came in. “They know the truth about us, so you don’t have to worry. But they want to meet you.”

Pursing her lips, Iris considered the offer. She was finding it increasingly difficult not to think of Barry as just another client. Her dreams about him were definitely getting to be distracting. She doubted getting to know his parents would help matters. On the other hand, nothing would sell the image of a man in love to the press like taking his girlfriend home to meet the family. From what she could tell of his previous relationships, he’d never done so before. “All right. Thank them for their offer and tell them I’d love to.” It was with only the tiniest twinge of foreboding that she hit send before putting her phone aside.

Iris sighed as she rolled over and threw her clock on the nightstand a fulsome glare. It was just after midnight, and she couldn’t sleep. Every time she tried to drift off, her mind drifted to memories of the kiss she’d shared with Barry earlier that day. She had acted on impulse when she’d lowered her mouth to his. It was supposed to be just a quick peck, but it had turned into something more.

Her mind conjured up images of what could have happened if this relationship of theirs wasn’t just for show. What would he have done if she’d given in to temptation and straddled him where he laid stretched out on the ground? If she’d pressed her lips against his neck, feeling his pulse flutter under her tongue. If she’d let her hands slip under the hem of his shirt to press against the warm skin of his stomach. Would he be ticklish?

Since all efforts to shove such illicit thoughts out of her mind were failing, she closed her eyes and let her imaginations wander. She remembered the feeling of his hand on the small of her back, when he’d spun her around the room in their ridiculous sham of a dance. What would she have done if he’d run that hand up her side, tracing the line of her ribcage? If he’d cupped her breast in his palm, stroking the soft skin of her nipple with his fingertip?

They had only shared two kisses, neither of them real. But she could imagine the trail his lips would take along the curve of her neck. She moaned when she imagined the feel of his tongue against her breast as he sucked her nipple between his teeth.

What would he feel like pressed against her? Sliding inside her? She had watched clips of him at concerts. She had seen those talented fingers as they slid up and down the neck of the guitar as he lost himself in a song. What would they feel like if he slid them inside her, a promise of what was to follow?

Iris moaned again, her back arching in bed, as she pictured what it would be like to make love to Barry Allen. Which was why it took a moment for the knock on the front door to register. With a frustrated groan, she got out of bed and made her way to the door. As she was reaching for the light switch, she heard Barry’s voice through the door.

“Iris? It’s me. I hope I’m not – What am I even doing? You’re probably asleep.”

Her hand stilled on its way to the switch. Worried about what Barry would see on her face if she turned on the light, she left it off and hoped the shadows would hide her wide eyes and flushed cheeks, signs of her lingering arousal, as she opened the door. “Barry? Is everything okay? What’s up?”

“I just – I wanted to – god, Iris –” he mumbled. The words were barely out of his mouth when his arms wrapped around her and he pulled her close. His mouth was hot against hers, his tongue thrusting into her mouth, and she fisted her hands in his shirt as she pulled him against her. She gasped against his mouth when his hands slid down her sides, his thumbs briefly slipping under the hem of her nightshirt to stroke the soft, sensitive skin at her waist. Then his hands continued their path. “Barry,” she moaned when he cupped her ass and lifted her easily. Iris wrapped her arms around his neck, crushing her mouth against his, and felt his fingers dug into her thighs. “Barry, what –?” she breathed, opening herself to him as she curled her legs around his hips.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he groaned, nipping her bare shoulder with his teeth. “I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t stop. Iris please –”

“Barry,” she gasped. Their kiss became rough, desperate, as she fisted one hand in his hair and dragged his mouth back to hers.

“Tell me to go and I’ll go,” he growled as he turned, pressing her against the open door. She stifled a strained chuckle when she realized they hadn’t even made it into the room. Then her laugh dissolved into a frustrated moan deep in her throat when she felt his erection through their clothes as he thrust against her. When she ran one palm down his chest to his belt buckle, he breathed out a curse and grabbed her wrist, lifting her hand to pin it against the door above her head. “Tell me to leave. Tell me you don’t want this as much as I do.”

In the dim moonlight filtering through the open door she was pressed against, Iris caught her breath and met Barry’s eyes. He stilled against her, his eyes silently pleading. She should tell him to leave. She should know better than anyone the dangers of confusing perception and reality. This was all a sham – a relationship concocted for the benefit of the press. It wasn’t real. Eventually it would end; they would both move on. For the good of her career if nothing else, this was one line she shouldn’t cross.

But she didn’t want him to stop. She didn’t want him to go. She wasn’t expecting love or promises of devotion. She didn’t ask for forever. But was it so wrong of her to ask for just wanted one night?

“Don’t go –” she began and then gasped when his hand slid between her thighs, stroking her through the thin fabric of her underwear. Pulling her lower lip between her teeth, she bit down hard to stifle her moan and kept her gaze locked on his when he slid his thumb underneath the line of her panties to press hard against her clit. “I don’t want you to go. Stay with me.”

[medisinals]

character solidifying 1 & 2!

character solidifying questions | @ferocioushonesty | no longer accepting

blackwell + parents!

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

        First off, Blackwell doesn’t see anyone in his life as his father. There’s Augustus, his mother’s husband, who was probably the most present in his life, but wasn’t his father biologically and made it exceedingly clear he didn’t want to be his father socially. There’s Eoin, his biological father, whom he never met. And there’s Cathair, the gardener on his mother’s estate, who was probably the closest he had to an actual father figure, but… still not all that close, tbh.

        Augustus was entitled and insecure, a son of old English nobility reduced to marrying the noveau riche for money. He kind of hated the child’s existence. The child was a product of an extramarital affair; Augustus couldn’t look at him without seeing evidence of his wife’s infidelity and his own emasculation. He was all in favor of offloading the child elsewhere- they had three sons already, they didn’t need anyone else’s brat- but his wife Florence held the financial power in their relationship, and if she wanted the child raised as part of their family, Augustus had no way to refuse.He coped poorly, including projecting a lot of his rage and disgust onto the child.

        Publicly, of course, the child was Augustus and Florence’s own. The family knew of Florence’s infidelity, as did certain of their staff, but that secret wasn’t supposed to spread. The child looked more like his mother than either of his alleged fathers, so he didn’t seem out of place among the family, but Augustus worried that something about the child would give him away, so he wasn’t often brought with when the family went out in public. This was a matter of uneasy compromise between Augustus and Florence.

        When the child first started asserting his own gender, Augustus was… violently opposed. It took Florence’s interference to establish safety for the child, and even then Augustus only tolerated the child in the absolute worst sense of the word “tolerate.” If he couldn’t do anything about the child, he figured grudgingly, he might as well keep someone else’s bastard son as someone else’s bastard daughter.

        As soon as Florence died, Augustus found a way to get the child out of his sight. Florence’s will provided for the child’s schooling at a well-renowned boys’ school in England; what mattered to Augustus was that he would be gone. He sent the child away under another name, and gave him no reason to return.

        Blackwell doesn’t see Augustus as having had a significant impact on him or his life, but really- Augustus taught Blackwell to expect no compassion and no understanding. He taught him spite and stubbornness and survival, and to seek security wherever and however he could find it. He taught him how quickly things could be taken away.

        Eoin, as previously mentioned, was never part of the child’s life. Everything the child knew about him was secondhand: that he was a local (read: Irish), that he was a tailor, that he was a drunkard, that he left town six months before the child was born, that there must have been something wrong with him and that that must be why the child walked with a limp from his very first steps. Even then, the child held doubt on most of what he heard.

        And then there was Cathair, the gardener. Cathair taught the child the names of flowers and how to coax them into beauty. He taught him superstition and safety; he taught him which plants were safe to eat and how. He taught him Gaelige in stories and jokes and songs, even if the others would rip it back out of the child’s mouth. Cathair was the one who pulled the child out of the half-frozen pond when he nearly drowned one March. Cathair was the only one to show him kindness for kindness’s own sake.

        The child was attached to Cathair, of course. He tailed the gardener as he made his way through the grounds, listened to everything he said. They were far closer than Augustus and the child had ever been. Still, Cathair wasn’t exactly a substitute father. Close, but Cathair wasn’t available or reliable in the way a child requires. Which isn’t Cathair’s fault- it was never his responsibility to adopt or even care about his terrible boss’s creepy kid. The fact that he chose to show the kindness and care that he did, even if he couldn’t step in as an actual parental figure, did make a significant impact on Blackwell as a child, and on the person he would become.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have? 

        Florence was… very smart, and very driven, and very strong-willed. She was also petty and self-centered and often lacking in compassion.

        She cherished her fourth child as a symbol of her autonomy. She felt trapped in a loveless marriage, living a life that wasn’t entirely within her control. Her affair with Eoin was a rebellion against those trapped feelings, a way to prove to herself that she could break the rules that bound her. Her decision to tell Augustus about the affair came from the same impulse to prove he had no control of her, as did her decision to keep the child.

        She was the child’s first and strongest supporter when he began to assert his own gender. That, for her, was another power play. She knew how Augustus hated the child; defending and supporting the child was more about her showing her defiance of Augustus than it was about any actual affection or care for the child. 

        Of course, Blackwell was young when he knew his mother. A lot of the nuances of her motivations escaped him. He was always sharp, though, and he could read a situation well enough to know not to expect certain things from her: she wasn’t warm, she wasn’t particularly attentive, she wasn’t very interested in anything he had to say to her unless she could find a way to use it towards her own goals. But she was still the closest thing he had to a figure of safety. She defended him from Augustus’s wrath. She allowed him to grow up as himself. Whatever her motivations, she was a vital supportive presence in Blackwell’s early life.

        And then again, she was also the first of many relationships in his life to use caretaking as an excuse for controlling behavior. The fourth child was forbidden from many of the freedoms that his older half-brothers were allowed to enjoy (including such things as being able to leave the manor grounds), with his “delicate constitution” always being cited as the reason. (“Delicate constitution” can mean many things. Here, it is being used to mean you’re trans and disabled and we have no idea what to do with that.) To be fair, there may have been valid concerns about the child’s health- but no one ever brought up his health except to use it to prevent him from doing something. The real reason he was kept so cloistered was a compromise with Augustus. Florence had to give some ground, and that ended up being that the child’s existence was mainly hidden from the larger world.

        Florence taught Blackwell the importance of having allies stronger than he was. He learned that it wasn’t important whether or not someone loved him- what mattered was whether or not they were willing to defend him. She also taught him that any perceived vulnerability could and would be used against him, even by those who nominally stood on his side.

        And her death when he was 8 was what convinced him he wanted to be a doctor, but hoo boy that’s a whole nother post coming.

[yeetyeet2121yeet]

All. Of. Them.

Oh god who are you? It's 1:30am! I'll do 100 questions for you, Anon1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?•The Curse of Curves - Cute is What We Aim For•Bang Bang - Green Day•Revolution Radio - Green Day• Family - Mother Mother• Summer Dress - July Talk• If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Probably Dan/Phil3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.'I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me'-page 22 of Will Grayson Will Grayson bc page 21 only had 16 lines4: What do you think about most?How people see me 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Gn - the wise words of Ryley6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?Depends lol7: What’s your strangest talent?well, for being 14 I can talk people out of suicide pretty well8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)GIRLS LOVE GIRLS AND BOYSBoys can wear makeup too9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah, multiple times, both songs and poems10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?like, a week ago11: Do you have any strange phobias?I bloody hate having my window exposed at night 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?yeah13: What’s your religion?I'm not religious 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?probably making flower crowns15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?It depends16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?OH GOD NO I CAN'T17: What was the last lie you told?I told someone I was okay18: Do you believe in karma?sort of19: What does your URL mean?It's my preferred name and the year I was born20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?I think my forgiveness is both21: Who is your celebrity crush?hmmm,,,,, I don't really have one22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?yeah23: How do you vent your anger?I text a friend and rant 24: Do you have a collection of anything?yes25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Video chats26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?Well, the real me, yes. The me I present at home and school, no. 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?My mother's voiceMy friends' voices28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if everyone is just pretending to like me?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?I'm not sure about ghosts, but aliens have to exist. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.R- A wallL- my bookshelf31: Smell the air. What do you smell?Me. I smell me. I smell my room. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Home. 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?West because British Columbia 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?OHGOD I CANT35: To you, what is the meaning of life?To be true to yourself36: Define Art.Anything you create37: Do you believe in luck?Yes38: What’s the weather like right now?Dark af, but mosty cool39: What time is it?1:36am40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nah and nah 41: What was the last book you read?Carrie • Stephen King 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?HELL YEAH43: Do you have any nicknames?Yep! Annie, Bean Stalk, Ann, Jo, Twinkie Jo, Daddy (my guy friends are wierd shush), Master (once again, my guy friends hate me) and Hoe44: What was the last film you saw?Rocky Horror Picture Show 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Well, I had a soft palate cleft as a baby, but it wasn't as bad as the stuff you see on TV. Mine was just in the roof of my mouth46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?Yeppo47: Do you have any obsessions right now?nah48: What’s your sexual orientation?I don't label that. I like who I like when I like them.49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?oh hell yeah50: Do you believe in magic?Yes51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?For a week or 2, then I get over it52: What is your astrological sign?Libra 53: Do you save money or spend it?Save54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Three Days Grace • Three Days Grace (CD)55: Love or lust?Love56: In a relationship?Nope57: How many relationships have you had?One, and he was a douche58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nah59: Where were you yesterday?In my room. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?nope61: Are you wearing socks right now?its 1:43 am hell no62: What’s your favourite animal?cat63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Listen to them. Pay attention to them64: Where is your best friend?Calgary or like, some hard to spell state ( @unbuttered-toast help) 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@unbuttered-toast@nocturnal-spleen@dennys@psych2go@accio-shitpost66: What is your heritage?Uhm, like Ukrainian, Irish, English, round them parts67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Talking to Roan68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?McBitch69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?..yeah..70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?yes, ofc71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?SAVE THE PUPPO 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a) yea ofcb) I'd be 100% mec) maybe. I don't know73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Love, bc trust is a part of love 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?The Danny Phantom theme. Shut up. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?451476: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?TRuST and COMMuNICATION77: How can I win your heart?Be a decent human, ffs. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Maybe. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Reaching out to people on here, bc ive made so many friends 80: What size shoes do you wear?Like, 5?81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?You got what you wanted. Don't you dare cry now. 82: What is your favourite word?Trust83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Love84: What is a saying you say a lot?SUck My ASs85: What’s the last song you listened to?The Curse of Curves • Cute is What We Aim For 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?Black, purple, silver, gold87: What is your current desktop picture?Literally its just black. Nothing else. Just black. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Matt/Jaxon89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Who I really am, but only around my school peeps and relatives90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Fucking kill myself before they can91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Mind reading92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?That half hour at camp where we were all watching Up, and Roan and I were cuddling, Ty had my hand, and Lily was lying on my legs. That was a good half hour. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?All the bad things that happen at home94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?No one, they're all WAY older than me 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?America to see my friends 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Probably, its my fucking relatives97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Yep98: Ever been on a plane?Nope99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?FOR FUCKS SAKE LOVE EACH OTHER

[arconn]

I remember how much I used to do these in high school/my early 20s, I wish I could do an old one and compare responses. Here's one for today, 06/21/21

1) Sexuality? Pansexual, meaning I don't have a preference of what you're working with and I don't exclude those who identify as nonbinary/agender.

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Russel Crowe

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. with a stock of white, forearms tattooed in black Borean ink- the black dragon that marks him as an outsider. - Witches of America by Alex Mar

4) What do you think about most? That people want to be good and be happy but also very much have the opportunity to cause the opposite

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say? Hope you have today off...

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Usually with but it depends on what time of year it is

7) What’s your strangest talent? Being able to guess poeple's zodiac signs pretty accurately.

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence) should be treated the same

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you? Yes

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar? I don't even remember honestly.

11) Do you have any strange phobias? Preying mantasis, they absolutely terrify me and are bore deep into my psyche

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Yes

13) What’s your religion? I identify as an omniest, meaning I find truth and beauty in all religions and also as a pagan witch- a woman who loves and respects the earth, her elements and the way it effects us. I read tarot and look for divine guidance primarily from a central collective consciousness/energy and divinity that is in us all.

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Hooping, going on a walk

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Like a whole band with instruments and multiple musicians? Either Born of Osiris of August Burns Red

17) What was the last lie you told? That I was okay when I wasn't

18) Do you believe in karma? Absofreakinglutely

19) What does your URL mean? That I'm one tough bitch ;)

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? My quickness to trust someone and be vulnerable and shutting myself off or down when I realize I shouldn't have. And loving other people and things, when I'm at my best I aspire to emulate loving goddess energy and make others feel safe and seen.

21) Who is your celebrity crush? I honestly am not a big fan of most celebrities

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Honestly, no.

23) How do you vent your anger? Usually to a friend or through hooping

24) Do you have a collection of anything? Crystals, metaphysical books, tarot decks.

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Through messenger

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become? Yes, though there is a lot I am still working hard on.

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? The sound of people chewing or brushing their teeth and I love the sound of deep low frequency bass and my bunny Winston "purring"

28) What’s your biggest “what if”? What if a certain relationship worked out and I hadn't left and we stayed together

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I believe in the possibility of everything but also that anything can be debunked. I say yes to both.

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Left- my phone, right-a bag of cashews :)

31) Smell the air. What do you smell? A candle burning nearby.

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to? Probably the part of Bahrain we got dumped in while waiting for our ship. Of course, at the time I had never been to or lived in Philly or Baltimore, but it was a lot and was absolutely not safe.

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast? East coast, but I haven't been to the west coast yet.

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Anderson Paak *heart eyes* thats my BAYBEEEEE

35) To you, what is the meaning of life? See #13

36) Define Art. Expression

37) Do you believe in luck? I believe in divine blessing

38) What’s the weather like right now? Absolutely beautiful and 70 something outside

39) What time is it? 2:51

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? Yes, though I don't have a car right now. And no I haven't, only been rear ended once.

41) What was the last book you read? Been reading Witches of America by Alex Mar lately as well as some study astrology material.

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline? Love it.

43) Do you have any nicknames? Mana

44) What was the last movie you saw? The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It... it was absolutely amazing

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? Dislocating my knee, it went all the way to the backside of my leg!!

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly? Oh yes

47) Do you have any obsessions right now? Learning my job and getting better at it, smoking weed, getting these next couple milestones together that are coming up.

48) What’s your sexual orientation? Pansexual, see #1 for an explanation

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Oh yes

50) Do you believe in magic? Definitely

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Nah, I wish I could sometimes, but I'm actually pretty bad at it, to my own demise.

52) What is your astrological sign? Aquarius sun, Scorpio moon, Capricorn rising

53) Do you save money or spend it? Spend it. UGH.

54) What’s the last thing you purchased? A smoothie

55) Love or lust? Love

56) In a relationship? Not currently, no.

57) How many relationships have you had? I don't even know anymore... that would be a lot to count out.

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Yes

59) Where were you yesterday? Work and then home and in my bed sleeping for almost 13 hours.

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Yes, a hula hoop

61) Are you wearing socks right now? Nope

62) What’s your favorite animal? Rabbits and octopus

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? Look at them very intently with my eyes and show genuine care/focus on them

64) Where is your best friend? I don't really have a best friend right now, my closest is in Maryland right now, but I haven't seen her in over a year.

65) Spit or swallow?(; Always swallow

66) What is your heritage? Irish/Scottish

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? DEAD ASLEEP

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name? Gon'getcha

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? What kinda question is this? Duh. Society is so weird about sexuality it's kind of gross. *shudders*

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Yeah!

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Yell for help, save the dog. Take pictures once the rescue is a success and try and explain it to my boss, if they let me go, they let me go.

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? I tell everyone I care about, yes. I would spend the rest of my time with my family and saying goodbye to certain friends. I'd try to fit in as much live music as humanly possible as well and maybe take a few days trip abroad, probably somewhere where I could be on the beach.

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love. Love, because if it's true, you get both

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Touch by Hybrid Minds

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 1***

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Trust, over communication, taking time for the cute and little things

77) How can I win your heart? ^

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity? Absolutely

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Letting things go in order to gain

80) What size shoes do you wear? 8 1/2 or 9

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY! C'MON! -WILL FERREL

82) What is your favorite word? Fuck

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Swell

84) What is a saying you say a lot? "The road to suffering is paved with expectations" -The Buddha

85) What’s the last song you listened to? Loan Shark by Commodo

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors? Lavendar, royal blue, deep purple, light magenta, neon red, burnt orange

87) What is your current desktop picture? $uicideboy$

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Oh boy, I don't think I'd want that to happen to anyone because they could be with other people like their family and shit. That would be so horrible.

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Haven't found one yet.

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Slowly look around and see if I can find a weapon, then quickly get to it and make a quick exit, defending myself from the mummies if need be.

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? It's a tie between teleporation and being able to heal others/myself.

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? My wedding day.

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Early memories in the barracks at Fort Meade

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Al Ross or $crim

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? India

96) Do you have any relatives in jail? Not that I know of

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car? Yup, but it was into a bag every time

98) Ever been on a plane? Many times

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY, c'MON!

[sockhopp]

ALPHABET TAG

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I was tagged by @just-do-kyungsoo-it (aka @pretty-irish)...Thank you for being flippin’ amazing and always liking and reblogging my posts. (and also tagging me in this, like, what?????) You are the optimum of the BOMB.COM. 

Age?II Just a few more months til I’m a legal adult...so close. I don’t want to be in high school anymore. No more. 

Birthplace?II US Of A. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, KANSAS. 

Current Time?II 20:02 (I’m cool, I use military time.) 

Drink (last)?II Milk...with my off brand cereal...this morning. 

Easiest Person to Talk to?II Most definitely my cat. (He counts as a person.)  

Favorite Song?II My favorite song, as of the moment...

KPOP: I Just Wanna Dance by Tiffany   

NONKPOP: How Long? by Charlie Puth

Grossest Memory?II My dad pushed me down in the cattle pen as I was doing chores last Wednesday after it rained. That’s all I’m going to say.

Hogwart’s House?II I am an all around Slytherin on Pottermore but on HEX I have one account that says I am a Ravenclaw and the other says Sytherin. So I am 2/3 Slytherin and 1/3 Ravenclaw...also my patronus is a swan. 

In Love?II Pff Love? For pasta...and tsundere Leo.  

Jealous of People?II I’m jealous of people that don’t care about their grades and future. ‘Cause I have endless migraines thinking about those things. Also, people that have voluminous hair.  

Love at first sight or should I walk by again?II Imma be walking by quite a few times. I’ve considered just adopting a child and never getting married. 

Middle Name?II Elizabeth (Basic) 

Number of Siblings?II 3+ It’s very complicated. 

One wish?II To be able to be fluent in every language. 

Person you called last?II My car is not working so my father has to pick me up from practices. He fell asleep on the couch and picked me up an hour later than usual. 

Question you are always asked?II “Are you 23?” 

Reasons to smile?II Internet that allows you to access Kpop. 

Song you last sang?II DDD by EXID 

Time you woke up?II 4:00 in the morning. 

Underwear color?II Well this is awkward...

.

.

.

Underwater Experience: I found a fridge once when I went swimming. 

Vacation Destination?II Anywhere with adventure. 

Worst Habit?II This is probably disgusting but I section off a piece of hair and pluck off the split ends of strands. This usually happens when I’m bored out of my gourd. 

X-rays?II My hip, chest, wrists, and thumbs. Broken!

Your favorite food?II My favorite food is definitely Italian. 

Zodiac Sign?II Libra

Wait, was this part of it too?

Ultimate bias?II Welp..this changes every hour but right now my Ultimate bias(s) are Woozi of SVT (ugh my heart <3) and I.M. aka Changkyun from Monsta X. 

Ultimate bias wreckerII My ultimate bias wrecker is most definitely Yoongi of BTS. He throws the list into a whole frenzy. Also, the whole Performance Team of SVT throws me off too. 

Favorite Kpop Song?II WELL...my favorite Kpop song(s) of the moment are Teenager by Got7, Eclipse by LOONA, Heaven by Nu’est & SVT, DDD by EXID, I Wanna Dance by Tiffany, and Wings Interlude by BTS. (RAPMON’s PART HMM) *Fly* (whispers fly in the background) 

Favorite Kpop album?II My favorite kpop album is Love Yourself because ummm shivers and JBJ’s mini album. 

Favorite Kpop Ship?II ARGhhhh I honestly don’t know how to feel about ships. I wouldn’t be comfortable if someone paired me with someone, that would just be awkward...only if it was Tom Hiddleston or Jaebum. Although, a lil’ namjin a once in a while isn’t that bad. 

Hard or Soft Stan?II In between? (I was scared to answer this question..?)

Favorite Kpop Company?II Honest to Kpop Gods...I don’t have one. 

Backstory of how I got into Kpop?II One of Big Bang’s older MV’s popped up on my laptop one day in class and it just started blaring out during the lesson. I got in trouble for not being on task, and now look where I am. *sweats nervously and cries* 

Tagging: @captainvictoryboat @jungshookiee @warmau @kspopmeme @accio-shitpost @googlebts @whatsoodo @yugyeomism @memesta--x @sami-noona

(To all of those I tagged that are not into kpop, just erase the second half if you have too.) 

[theworstbob]

the thing journal, 3.19.2017

review-like bitlets of the 7+ new things i took in last week.

this week: mystery team, what we do in the shadows, quelle chris, /sigh/ ed sheeran, the lies of locke lamora, sorority noise, margo price, valerie june

1) Mystery Team, dir. Dan Eckman: This is such a small movie, and such a relatively hidden gem, that I kinda feel bad for pointing out flaws. There's so much charm that I feel the gross-out humor is, while executed well, really out-of-place, doesn’t really fit with what I thought the movie was best at doing, and I really think they should've done more with Donald Glover's boundless exuberance and Aubrey Plaza's deadpan stare; that's a quality comic pairing that I kinda think got short shrift, and for good reason, it's DerrickComedy not DerrickComedy & Friends, but that's still a well they could've explored more. (Hey Bob! maybe edit that sentence?) Nah, dude. Such a solid comedy, though. The central goof somehow never grows tiresome, is in fact never fully abandoned, and they take this concept to really interesting places; like, these characters in a gentleman's club would have been good enough, but they found an absurd angle to take that took it to a whole new level (and then they took it to... a different place? a decidedly less whimsical place, to be certain). There's a lot of imagination, and that’s this film’s saving grace. Honestly, bringing up what I don’t like about this film kind of feels like analyzing a newborn fawn’s first steps. “Yeah, see, the great ones, they strut out the womb. Birth to trot time here is pitiful, not pro-quality at all. You can tell he doesn’t have that motor. You can’t teach motor, you just c -- why is it vomiting. Goddamnit, but why.”

2) What We Do in the Shadows, dir. Taika Waititi: I'm counting this as a film I haven't seen before because I was half-asleep the first time I saw it! It's... Enjoyable, I guess, is the right word? Hey. Team. Let's real quick talk about something. Why has every comedy I've seen in 2017 had a protracted vomiting sequence? It was a good time in Santa Clarita Diet. It was at least acceptable in Mystery Team because that's about what I expected from a film of its caliber. Why did anyone need to vomit here? Or, perhaps more accurately, why have I missed what makes vomit so inherently funny? The gross-out gag didn't really fit the general vibe of this film. This film was so subtle, so deadpan it's hard to tell what the jokes were, then the dude eats a fry, "You shouldn't have done that!" BLEEEEEEEEH like why, did that advance anyone's arc in a meaningful way that i just missed, did it test so well that they would've been fools to cut it, i don't get it. That was the one thing about this movie that wasn't right up my alley, which is why I spent so many sentences talking about it.

3) Being You Is Great, I Wish I Could Be You More Often, by Quelle Chris: Because I've never smoked pot in my life, I was initially put off by the weirdness of this album, but because I'm a generally weird person, I was on this album's wavelength by about halfway through, and now I'm stoked to give this an album a shot now that I know what to expect and that it's something I feel. It's especially nice to hear something this weird and unique because I came to this on Monday and, hey, y'all know what I did over the last weekend? Listened to a fuckton of shitty pop(/country) songs from 2007. It's such a treat to come into this world where this dude's being his own dude.

4) Divide, by Ed Sheeran: In what world is "Eraser" not just an acceptable track to put on this album, but the opening track ahead of "Castle on the Hill." "Castle on the Hill" strikes a much clearer tone, sets an actual mission. "Eraser" is just the song where Ed Sheeran raps because how do you know your limits if you never push them, and not only is it a bad intro, it’s redundant because THAT'S WHAT "GALWAY GIRL" IS THERE TO DO. Ugh. Whatever. I hate how much I enjoyed "Galway Girl." I dunno, this wasn't the worst thing in the world, there were parts were I was like "enh" but parts I really dug, so I guess cheers to exactly fulfilling my expectations!, but I kinda wish it had a more cohesive sound? This was like Ed Sheeran's tour through the magical world of music. This is U2! This is dancehall! This is traditional Irish rap! This is what your exceedingly normal cousins will play at their weddings! This? is Spain!??? And it's like hey man, just be yourself. /remembers ed sheeran's early works Yeah OK this is more than acceptable, then. As something I made myself listen to for a thing no one ever asked for, I couldn't have asked for a better time.

5) The Lies of Locke Lamora, by Scott Lynch: This was a really impressive con man story told within the parameters of basic-ass fantasy. It was this Breaking Bad-esque display of a character getting out of the tightest corners possible, and part of the extrication from the corner involves a sword fight. Father Chains is one of the best, most down-to-earth characters I've ever come across in this kind of novel, and there's a short interlude toward the end between Chains and the title character that I'm still thinking about and laughing at, but it is this kind of novel, where they call chicken “capon.” You can call it chicken. No one’s gonna call bullshit if you call it chicken. Goddamnit. Like there's a Gabe Liedman bit about The Fantasy which all fantasy novelists apparently share and how boring that makes standard fantasy, and I don't 100% get why this needed to be set in a vaguely Spanish (but almost certainly British) fantasy land with an all-powerful wizard? But y'know what, if that's what's in your heart, you write your heart out, and the fact this was fantasy didn't keep me from having a grand old two weeks on the bus.

6) You're Not as _____ as You Think, by Sorority Noise: After my first listen, I immediately hit play on this thing again, 'cuz fuuuuuuuuck, y'all. One of my favorite records of last year was The Hotelier's Goodness, it was this odd little thing that I kept returning to because it kept hitting me in this certain way, felt like an album that sort of understood the special way in which I'm depressed. This album does what Goodness does, but in a more conventional way, speaking about emptiness and failure and staying in your own head, but with music that positively soars at points, like holy shit "A Portait Of" is kind of perfect? And maybe it's worth dissecting why something more conventional hit me harder than the weirdness of Goodness, but fuck it, not now, this is _____ time, and I absolutely love this. If this doesn't end up being my #1 album of 2017, I'm going to be so stoked, because I will have heard something better than this. My favorite punk album since No Closer to Heaven. I don't think I'm going to be capable of having rational thoughts about this album.

7) Midwest Farmer's Daughter, by Margo Price: hahaha you can hear the OH SHIT I DON'T WANT IT TO BE ALL DUDES THIS WEEK from a million miles away! I really dug this. I think it's probably the least interesting out of anything in the recent rash of traditional-leaning country albums, but we're talking about Big Day in a Small Town and Sailor's Guide to Earth and Traveler, that is a strong-ass chain that would see this album as the weakest link. I think, because I had this follow _____, I wasn't really in a space where I could connect to a different kind of sadness than my own? And it's not fair to this album that its evaluation should suffer because I try to binge albums.

7a) The Sun's Tirade, by Isaiah Rashad: So like I've listened to this a couple times on the bus before, so it doesn’t belong in the New Things category, but I just wanted to give this a quick shout-out, because I actually spent some uninterrupted quality time with it (previous listens have been marred by connection issues MUSIC IN 2017 HOLLA), and man, this dude kills it. It's like a Gothic OutKast, if that makes any sense. I'm really intrigued to see how he builds off of this, because man, if he can put the pieces together, he's gonna be incredible.

8) The Order of Time, by Valerie June: It should surprise no one I lurk on a website called Saving Country Music, which is where I heard about this woman, and I was intrigued enough by the description to check her out, and this is like the country version of the Quelle Chris album, where it took me a few tracks to get on the same wavelength, but once I was there, I was there, and I loved spending time in this fully-realized world. I almost feel bad calling this country; trying to fit this into a genre feels inappropriate, like, there isn't a word for Valerie June's songs, there's only the phrase Valerie June's songs. There’s this album I listened to last year, My Wild West by Lissie, this really dreamy and ethereal-feeling folk-rock album, and that’s the closest comparison I can find to The Order of Time, except The Order of Time is more eclectic, has a more interesting sound. It’s a touch slower than what I typically go for, but this is a phenomenal artist doing something crazy-unique and making it sound dope, and I appreciate it.

[mrsrcbinscn]

BDRPWriMo Task #16: TV Soundtrack

Task:  Jukebox Musical/TV or Movie Soundtrack - come up with a playlist of at least 10 songs, write a scene summary to go with each one.

AU: The Robinsons is a hit multigenerational Netflix show featuring an ensemble cast, chronicling the lives of main couple Franny and Cornelius Robinson from childhood all the way through their marriage, and the lives of their families. Rated TV-14 some episodes, but some have mature content rated MA.

These aren’t in chronological order, I was too lazy to fix everything because the ideas came to me out of order.

tw: violence, marijuana use, underage drinking (in the US anyway), abuse of prescription medication (ADHD meds), mentions of abortion (a side character), sexual themes, car accident

tagging my husband because lots of these involve him @nottomsellecksorry

[ooc: these events all happened, just obv not with cool background music]

Episode Title: Song

1. The Mugshot: Oh, Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison

(Inspired by the use of Istanbul in the diner fight scene in The Umbrella Academy)

Background: Since the beginning of the series, Franny Robinson has had a framed mugshot of herself throwing up the rock n’ roll hand gesture with a cut on her face on the wall of the Robinson home. This episode is where the mugshot’s origin is revealed.

Franny and Cornelius had only been married for a little over a year when they visited Franny’s parents in Georgia for her mother’s birthday. One night during their stay, they went out drinking in the city (Atlanta) with Franny’s youngest older brother (Art) and a bunch of Franny’s hometown friends. A man at one of the bars, one with a gorgeous outdoor bar, where the scene takes place, wouldn’t leave Franny alone even after she flashed her wedding ring. The situation quickly got heated and before Franny’s brother or friends could step in between them, the man shoved Franny back into a table.

[background noise is edited out in post-production, there is no sound but the sound of glasses falling and shattering on the bar’s patio as Franny looks down at her sandaled feet, now bleeding from glass cutting them a little.]

 And then;

[the first notes of Oh, Pretty Woman]

“He put his hands on me first. He shoved me first, you all saw that, right?” Franny said, holding out and index finger and pointing it at her husband, at her friends, at Art, and at strangers who had long since begun to spectate. 

“He touched me first. So this is self defense.” She said, pulling her hair back into a ponytail before launching herself at him. All five feet five inches of her came at him like a missile and absolutely knocked the crap out of this guy. Her big brother didn’t even need to throw a punch, she had this all on her own.

[Mercy!!] As Franny slams the man’s face onto a table. 

As they were both clearly fighting, both Franny and the man were arrested and taken to the police station, and while they took her mughot, Franny threw up the rock n’ roll gesture with a bored expression.

2. Payne Lake, Georgia: Blue by LeAnn Rimes

Background: Cornelius’s first EVER visit to Franny’s hometown of Payne Lake, Georgia. The first time she introduced him to her family. 

Neil and Franny join some of Franny’s friends at the little town’s bar on karaoke night, they’re hangin’ out, munching on the bar’s specialty - Irish Nachos; waffle fries with melted queso, scallions, ground beef, salsa, and black beans - with her regular hometown crew. But then her high school voice teacher (who is a bartender too because ‘Murica) is like “Franny Framagucci, it is KARAOKE night!!! Sing!!!!”

And Franny’s all like “Noooooo” because Neil’s only heard her sing in musical productions through NYU, or at showcases for jazz studies. So meticulously practiced and critiqued performances. She’d yet to invite him to any open mics she was going to or anything like that. This man thought she was perfect!! ! ! She needed to make sure he kept that myth as truth. 

So Franny was all “no, I simply CAN’T” but then her teacher started chanting ‘sing, sing, sing’ and her friends joined in, and then people around them recognized Franny - small towns, gotta love ‘em - and someone shouted out “Do Blue, Franny!”

“Haha, no way”

“Come ooooon”

“Well, if you inSIST”

When Franny was in high school, she’d learned to yodel to she could knock Blue out of the park to show up some bitch she hated at the county fair. Very South, Much Georgia, wow. So naturally, she stood on stage and rocked Blue in all her Georgia glory in front of her very Yankee boyfriend, exposing her very uncool country bumpkin side to him for the first time.

Except, it only made him think she was even MORE wonderful, he just got even bigger heart eyes than usual. 

3. Am I A Crazy Bitch?: Science vs Romance by Rilo Kiley

Background: Earlier in the episode, Franny had gone off on Cornelius because she was insulted he’d offered to pay for part of her tuition for the upcoming semester so she wouldn’t have to work as much. Because the last episode, he found out she’d been abusing Adderall on a semi-regular basis to be able to stay awake long enough to juggle school, work, a social life, and seeing him. And confronted her about it. So this episode, he was like “let me make it easier for you.” And Franny went off on him because she was A. insulted, and B. so mad at herself, because his response to his girlfriend abusing Adderall shouldn’t be ‘give her money for college.’ He should be!! Disappointed in her!! He should!! Hate her! And she felt disgusted with herself that he didn’t.

SO. 

The song plays while it flips between scenes of 

A. college-aged Franny sitting on the bathroom floor of her apartment smoking weed #hating herself after she went off on Neil before he left for a business trip to Europe. She can be heard muttered “stupid bitch, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you” as she moves to straight up laying down on the bathroom tile.

B. scenes of Neil in Berlin; in the back of a car halfheartedly listening to his assistant reading off the agenda for the day, pretending to listen to what his German nerd counterparts are saying as he’s just spaced out and sad, only picking at his food across the table from his assistant

C. Art (Franny’s youngest older brother) typing an e-mail to his parents because he’s too afraid to tell them in person he’s dropping out of university for the second time

D. Sophie (Franny’s mother) sitting alone in the kitchen of the Framagucci home after having woken up from a nightmare about her life under the Khmer Rouge, drinking hot tea 

E. Delia Weiss, one of Franny’s closest college friends and eventually lifelong friend, smoking a cigarette and standing outside of an abortion clinic that opens the next morning, after having found out earlier in the episode she was pregnant with her shitty ex’s baby, hinting to the audience she planned to come back tomorrow to terminate

4. Cambodian Independence Day: I’m A Cuckoo by Belle & Sebastian

Background: Franny, who had up until this point in her life, never cut her hair more than a few inches, was told she would need to bob her hair to star as Millie in NYU’s production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. Long hair is a cultural thing for many Cambodian women and while it didn’t carry too much significance to Franny personally, it very much mattered to her mother, Sophea (”Sophie”). The episode happens to be set on November 9th, which is the day Cambodia became independent from France.

I’m A Cuckoo plays as Franny’s standing in the kitchen of Cornelius’s NYC apartment, scissors in hand, just chopping off her hair that went down to just a couple inches above her tailbone. She keeps repeating, “I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m so dead.” Then says “Mak’s gonna skin my hide alive then use it as a lampshade, Ed Gein style.” 

When Cornelius laughs at her joke she whines, “It’s not funny, I’m serious! When my mother kills me say somethin’ nice about me at the funeral.”

Scene skips ahead to Franny examining her hair in Neil’s bathroom mirror, biting down on her lip and whimpering. He slips his arms around her waist and kisses her cheek, “I think it looks nice.” 

“I’m going to be buried. Alive, most likely.”

“Shh.”

“Mak’s going to kill me, revive me, then kill me again.” *whines* “I look like a Boy Scout.”

*Neil turns her away from the mirror to face him. “You look beautiful.”

“You always say that.”

“It’s always true.”

Aaaaaand some more kissing later, they’re having Hot Sex against the bathroom counter.  They’re horny 20-somethings, what can ya do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

5 & 6. Am I A Manic Pixie Dream Girl?: I Held Her In My Arms by Violent Femmes // Prove My Love by Violent Femmes

Background: Franny decided to give Cornelius a glimpse into what poor people do for fun. When she couldn’t afford concert tickets, she and her friends both back home and in NYC would go to parking decks overlooking amphitheater venues to see concerts. So she took Neil to a parking deck to watch a Violent Femmes concert - and planned to, for the first time ever, open up about some parts of her life.

I Held Her In My Arms plays and Franny’s dancing, having a great time, and tbh this is sUCH a manic pixie dream girl moment, I’m ashamed. She’s ashamed. God is ashamed.

Fast forward, and she’s back to sitting down, her legs fit under the barrier between the parking deck and the drop to the concrete below, so her feet are comfortably dangling in the air as she-- know what, lemme just copy-paste a selection from our Discord DMs 

mckala 10/26/2019 Oh wow wanna know the first time Franny was Purposely vulnerable in front of him vs. he-caught-her-at-her-worst-moments

mary 10/26/2019 uuhh yes pls, i say knowing i will regret

mckala 10/26/2019 OH the good news is, it's not SUPER sad, but it's #revealing SO

She opens up about how poor her family is, and how much she'd been bullied for being Asian, biracial, having an immigrant mother and Swiss immigrant stepdad and their funny accents, and how she puts all this pressure on herself to succeed since she couldn't be smart in the "right" way (STEM), so she HAS to do well in the arts against all odds to make her parents proud, and to make enough money so that her mom and dad don't have to work past retirement age. "So my mom can enjoy her life after what she went through in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge."

But she does it...lowkey romantically, like

Franny takes Cornelius to the parking deck overlooking a lil amphitheater concert venue to watch a Violent Femmes concert, and now Franny has like a part-time job while in school so she CAN afford tickets -- and she has a rich boyfriend -- but she purposely took him to the parking deck to listen to the music and at one point she turned to him and said "When I was in middle and high school in Atlanta, we'd do this a lot. It was the only way we could afford to go see live shows."

And then she's like "We were - /are/ poor. Really poor. Not like you." Bc she assumes he was always decently well-off once he was adopted since his mother probably made at least six figures by her estimate. 

And she's monologuing pretty much until her eyes water without her really REALIZING. Just monologues about how much pressure she puts on herself to BE perfect, to BE the best, to not make mistakes because she already made the big mistake of not "Being smart enough to be a doctor, or an engineer, or a lawyer, or half as smart as you."

mary 10/26/2019 oW, my hEART meanwhile neil is just like, "there is no right way to be smart. and you're smarter than me in a million different ways, so we're going to put an end to that line of thinking right here and now." because he didnt look at music as anything other than white noise until she came into his life

mckala 10/26/2019 OHHH MYYYY GOD

SO. They’re all snuggling and kissing for a bit, then at one point Franny’s like “We need to go to the car right now so we can ;)” and he’s not picking up what she’s putting down because he is far less sexperienced than her lmao, so he’s like “...what? Wait, but - oh. OH.”

And Prove My Love plays as Franny gets nerdy, newly sexually active Neil to have sex with her in a his car in a public parking deck, SMH. At [special favors come in thirty-one flavors] the camera pans to Franny’s face as she’s receiving oral ASDFGHJKL; and at [third verse, same as the first] the episode goes to end credits.

7.  I’m Twenty-Two Years Old: I’m Sixteen Years Old by Ros Sereysothea

****TW: CAR ACCIDENT*****

I’m Sixteen is a running musical theme throughout the episode

Background: The previous episode, Franny and the rest of the cast that were NYU students have graduated from NYU. Last episode ended with Franny and Cornelius celebrating her graduation with both of their families, and plenty of nudges from both sets of parents ‘sooo, can we expect a summer wedding, orrrrrr does Franny want to take the summer to think about masters’ programs?’ A lot of Franny and Neil hissing at their mothers ‘Mak/Mom, stoooop’ but earlier that episode Franny and Neil actually talked about getting married next spring, once they figured out whether or not they were staying in New York now that Franny was done with NYU.

The episode I’m Twenty-Two Years Old begins with Franny driving at a comfortable five over the speed limit on the interstate at night. A cassette tape of Cambodian 60′s and 70′s psychedelic rock is playing in Franny’s car as she’s finishing up a phone call on her good ol’ Nokia 5190. (Remember, this was 2002.)

[I’m Sixteen begins to play in the background during the phone call when it was on Franny’s end]

“Yes ma’am, I should be at the house in about an hour.”

[camera shows Lucille Robinson in her neighborhood finishing up a night jog] 

“Franny Framagucci, you know I told you to call me Lucille. You and your manners.”

“I can’t help it, my mama would kill me if she knew I let Lucille slip sometimes.”

 “If you marry my son you can just call me mom.”

“What d’you mean if? It’s when. It’s for sure when, we just- we want to sort a couple things out post-NYU first.”

“So you’ve talked about it?”

“Mmhm. I’m going to talk to him about it again when he’s back from Beijing. I’ll tell you everything when I get to the house. Thanks again for lettin’ me crash a couple days. I dunno, I just feel kinda melancholy about graduatin’. Didn’t wanna be at the apartment all alone for a whole week.”

“You’re family, you’re welcome anytime.”

“I know. Love yoooou, see you soon!”

She tossed her phone onto the passenger seat and turned the music up. [I’m Sixteen is now playing loudly.]  Soon, a car going the wrong way comes speeding at Franny and Franny screams shrilly above the music as she’s aware there’s no avoiding impact. The scene fades to black and a countdown clock appears on screen.

9:00:00. Nine hours, zero minutes, zero seconds before the accident. 

Franny’s dancing around their apartment in one of Neil’s shirts and her underwear listening to that same cassette of Khmer 60s and 70s music. [I’m Sixteen is playing.] She’s singing along and when Cornelius steps out of the bedroom wheeling his suitcase behind him, Franny briefly interrupts her dancing to wave at him before she grabs a handful of Swedish Fish gummies (her favorite American candy) from an open bag on the countertop and pops one into her mouth while dancing.

She dances her way over to Neil and shoves a Swedish Fish in his mouth and asks him. “Got your deodorant?” He hums an affirmative. “Backup underwear and pants in case you spill stuff on your lap thrice in one day again?” 

“Must you have so little-” he’s given pause when she shoves another fish in his mouth. “-faith in me?”

Franny grins. “My love, I have all the faith in the world...in your clumsiness.” Commence some cute kissing before Franny’s like “hey, heeeey, no getting handsy. Because then I’m going to take your clothes off and you’re going to miss your flight, and Tanya [Neil’s assistant at the time] is going to kill me.”

Scenes between several of the cast of characters happen, yadda yadda.

Eventually when the clock strikes 00:00:00, Neil’s plane from his first layover at Dallas-Fort Worth touches down at LAX at the same time of Franny’s car accident. 

The scene cuts to the wreckage of the two cars, it is out of focus and shaky with occasional flashes of clarity to show important actions. Franny’s car falling into place upside down, Franny’s neck not supporting her head anymore because she’s unconscious and her head the rolling to one side, other drivers leaping out of their cars and running to the wreck.

Cut to what can be assumed to be a couple hours later, at LAX. Neil’s still waiting on his flight to China and just chilling, humming the tune of I’m Sixteen because it was in his head from this morning. He begins to mumble an approximation of the lyrics, but he’s immediately disgusted with his lack of ability to speak Khmer. He turns to Tanya.

“Do you think I should learn Khmer?”

“Huh?”

“Khmer. I should learn it.”

“Oh, that language your girlfriend speaks? Good luck. It sounds rough. Every time she’s on the phone with her mother I think they’re fighting.”

Cornelius shook his head. “I think it’s beautiful.”

“You’d think it was beautiful if it was just high-pitched screeching because it’s to do with her.” Tanya poked affectionately.

Neil’s phone rings. Caller ID says Art, Franny’s middle brother.

[I’m Sixteen plays over the background noises of the following scenes spliced together]

Cornelius shooting out of his seat and listening with wide eyes before running to the nearest counter to find the first flight back to New York, Franny in surgery, Bud and Lucille (who were the first people Franny’s family in Georgia called to ask them to go to the hospital since they’re in New York, they’re in Georgia) scurrying out of the house, and poor Tanya looking frustrated as fuck as she realizes Cornelius is about to just throw away important investment opportunities to fly back to New York for a situation he has literally no control over.

8. Brothers and Sisters: She’s Actin’Single (I’m Drinkin’ Doubles) by Gary Stewart

Two years before Franny even met Cornelius, she was an eighteen year old high school senior and her oldest brother was Going Through Some Shit. Specifically, a breakup.

He was laying on his bedroom floor listenin’ to sad cowboy music and she was like “fuuuuuck no” so her 5′5 ass grabbed her over six foot tall big brother up off the floor and hissed “We’re going to Uncle Lemmy’s garage right the fuck now!”

In one hand was the cassette Gaston was listening to, tucked under her armpit was a bottle of Maker’s Mark she swiped from their vati’s (father’s) collection on the way out, and she had an iron grip on Gaston’s hand with her other hand.

Unlce Lemmy was a Vietnamese man actually called Tất Văn Hữu Liêm  in proper Vietnamese naming custom, but to the neighborhood kids he was Uncle Lemmy. 

“Bác Lemmy!” Franny called out in Vietnamese as she let herself in after knocking. “We need to use the garage. Gaston’s girlfriend just broke up with him.”

“Oh, dear. Do you kids need anything?”

“You wouldn’t happen to have any goi cuon laying around would you?”

“I can roll some!”

“Don’t trouble yourself, Bac Lemmy.”

“Nonsense. Gaston is in crisis!”

In Uncle Lemmy’s garage was a karaoke machine. Franny popped in the cassette of sad cowboy music and shoved the mic into Gaston’s hand. “Sing it out, you sad bastard.”

She opened the bottle of Maker’s Mark and took a swig, handing the whiskey out to Gaston, too. The songs you listen to in your sad cowboy hours? They covered them all. All My Ex’s Live In Texas. Neon Moon. Long Gone Lonesome Blues. (”Whooo, fuck that bitch!” shouted Franny at some point during Hank Williams.) Misery Loves Company. I Told You So. 

The highlight of Framagucci siblings drunk karaoke at 2:30 in the afternoon? She’s Actin’ Single.

[I've seen men look at her before And they think, I don't see] “God,” Franny slurred, very, very drunk. “How fucked is that? Fuck off, partner, that ain’t your woman.”

[I know she'll be lookin' back The minute I'm not there While she pours herself on some stranger I pour myself a drink somewhere]  “Daaaaaaamn, bitch.”

By the chorus, Franny and Gaston were just wasted scream-singing the lyrics at each other.

9. Go Ahead:  Go Ahead by Rilo Kiley 

Basically, the song the soundtrack team put over the scene where Franny took Neil’s virginity lmao. You can tell I stayed up til 6:30 am yesterday working on this task, and now it is almost 4 AM the next day and I’m still trying to finish, so I’m very much trying to stop being Extra now.

It was v soft and giggly and the most wholesome sex scene in cinema mmkay

10. That Damned Penguin Song: Papa Pingouin by Sophie & Magaly

One week when Wilbur was very small, Cornelius and Franny made the mistake of letting Franny’s Swiss Italian-French-German speaking father be the main one to watch Wilbur for a four-day period when both Franny and Neil were insanely busy. Adrien was a godsend, really. Whenever Wilbur was being fussy he would sing and dance to the 1980 absolute BOP that is Papa Pingouin.

But when Adrien Framagucci left Swynlake after his visit? 

“Muuuuummy, Daaaaaaaddy. Penguin! Sing penguin!” 

Except, neither of them knew what the actual fuck Wilbur was talking about, until Franny suddenly remembered from her childhood. When Adrien, who wasn’t her biological father, was trying to convince Franny to like him so she’d let him marry her mother, she vaguely recalled a French song relating to a penguin.

In her memory, six year old Franny had demanded Adrien do something stupid in public and he obliged by singing a French song and acting like a penguin.

Slowly, tentatively, Franny sang the first few bars

Le papa pingouin, le papa pingouin Le papa, le papa, le papa pingouin Le papa pingouin s'ennuie sur la banquise...?

“Muuuuuummy noooo, you gotta do dance! Pépère does the dance.”

Franny inhaled sharply and turned to Cornelius. “How much do you love me, dear?”

“Huh?”

“You married me. It’s not like a Wal-mart where you can just return me if you bring the receipt, yes?” “Uh...”

“I’ll explain after the little guy is satisfied.” With that she turned to Wilbur, sighed, and did Papa Pingouin with full enthusiasm. If French wasn’t Cornelius’s best second language, it was by the time Wilbur outgrew Papa Pingouin.

The penguin song was Wilbur’s favorite until he outgrew it. For years. Years. Y E A R S, Neil and Franny were in a loop of Papa Pingouin. Cornelius is now 45 and Franny is about to be 40. Papa Pingouin still haunts their dreams.

IT IS 5 AM ON DAY 2 OF WORKING ON THIS LMAO FINALLY DONE

[magneticmaguk]

How to Survive Public Transport on a Big Night Out

Before Uber arrived and we all became obsessed with how many gold stars we could get for behaving ourselves in the back of a Toyota Prius, public transport was as integral to a big night out as chips or mephedrone.

For many of us—read: those of us who have to accept the night bus in order to afford another round of drinks—it still is, and just as the club offers an expedition into dark, clanking mystery, so the journey to and from is an adventure in its own right.

Whether it's jumping aboard an adorable P4 to Brixton, sliding around the tram to Deansgate, or losing your mind on the last Merseyrail into town, the after-dark commute can be a perilous but rich affair. The constant wobble of wine bottles as they roll up and down the top deck, the stank of vomit and aftershave, gloopy mascara tears and thick April rain. Public transport on a big Saturday night is an odyssey of suburban escape and big-city promise—a pilgrimage of sticky shoes, wide-eyes and bolted barriers. Come with us now as we journey through the dos and don'ts of night-time voyages over broken tarmac, pausing only for hilarious anecdotes and temporary traffic lights. Start your engines, top up your Oysters, please move down inside the content.

Via Flickr.

1. Timing

Obviously timing is important when it comes to catching buses and trains—the advice in this column is generally more developed than that—but its relevance to your happiness becomes far greater on a night out. For example, get to a bus stop too early on a winter's night and you risk feeling the sub-Alaskan sting against your bare legs as the digits "12 MINS" in blinking orange lights apparently react to the cold by freezing in time. Then again, arrive too late and you'll miss the last bus—suddenly that request for one more song back at the flat has cost you more than just a noise complaint from the retiree below who's heard Paleman's "Beezledub" 15 times in one night.

2. Safety in Numbers

If you're using public transport on a night out, always travel in a group. There's the obvious dimension to this, that public transport by night isn't the safest place to be, so having a few extra people minimises your risk of being headbutted or having your Hula Hoops stolen. That's not the main reason why traveling on your own is a bad idea though. The worst part is navigating your way through every possible facial expression, as you try and look invisible before the pissed-out-of-her-mind bride-to-be who is lilting down the aisle handing out free "kisses with tongues." She's getting closer now, you're looking out the window pretending to think about things. She's two seats away, some drunk bloke just gave her a kiss on the cheek, you're desperately reading your obviously out-of-battery phone. And she's here, breathing in your face, her mates are screaming "GO ON GIVE HER A KISS," you can smell the Jacob's Creek, you grimace, you shake your head, you say sorry, you say no, her friends shout "AWWWWWWW," she's doing a mock-sad face, she returns to her seat and your night is ruined before it's even begun.

Handling confrontational, public banter on your own is a burden no-one should have to carry. Think ahead; protect yourself.

3. Lads on Tour

Speaking of confrontational public banter, there's perhaps no sound more distinct to a nocturnal commute than a muddle of lads boarding the bottom deck of the bus, or filing onto the the same tube carriage as you. You'll probably instinctively sink into your seat, fearing the next 30 minutes are about to be ruined by rugby songs and jokes about people you've never met, but honestly give them a chance. Unless they're Actual Dickheads the presence of a boys night out on your way to the club can provide an ambience that would turn Eno's pink-round head green with envy. One of them's singing Bon Jovi, look, another one of them is trying to pole dance, the Irish one is chatting really loudly about being Irish. This joie de vivre is crucial to passing the time on journeys from Earlsfield to Elephant and Castle. Let's see how many people we can get on the backseat of the bus.

Via Flickr.

4. Doing Drugs

Do you remember a couple of summers ago when that city worker was filmed snorting coke on the tube? That was horrible wasn't it? The sagging belly, the open collar, his head flinging back as he uttered the immortal "This is no playground boys," like a baddy in Hustle. My mate reckons he saw someone else doing this on the overground the other day—apparently in this instance the memorable quote was "I just do a bit on weekends, that's all, okay?"—so clearly it's something happens reasonably often. If you are one of these people apparently sniffling up chunky mounds of coke from between your pinched, clammy fingers, clawing at the crystals with your blackened nails, please stop. Don't do it anymore. I would genuinely rather watch someone take a shit on a train than witness the garbled justifications of their class-A dependency, as they audibly try and convince themselves and the rest of the Northern Line that it's "just a bit of fun at the end of the day."

5. Being on Drugs

That said, we can't stop you from taking drugs before you travel on public transport. If you fancy experiencing the joys of the DLR, two pingers deep, as it glides over West India Quay, be our guest.

6. Drinking Tinnies

Sure, you know you're not supposed to drink on public transport, but fuck it, laws were made to be broken, and they were made to be broken by legends with blue-bags of Kronenbourg in their hands and the scent of Sure Active Dry in their nostrils.

7. Playing Music

The chances are you're not the person who gets to play music on the bus. Playing music on the bus, especially playing it loudly through a speaker of some kind, takes a special kind of inner-confidence only possessed by select few. To waltz onto a 75 full of punters, packed in their seats like church pews, and start blasting Bugzy Malone freestyles from your phone is to say to the world: I am here and I shall not be shaken. Getting on a bus on your own and playing music out loud without feeling even a shred of embarrassment or societal pressure requires an assurance of mind so steely it's practically superhuman. This person probably isn't you, so close that Best of Gorillaz playlist you've just opened on Spotify and put your phone away.

Via Flickr.

8. Throwing Up

An acidic swill in hinge of your jaw? Bubbles of gas passing up through your chest? Thick, gluey saliva festering in your mouth? Try not to be sick on public transport if you can. Instead it's up to you to focus on the most boring point on the vehicle—an emergency exit, the pattern on the chair cushion, your mate's theory as to why Corbyn can't win—and pretend you feel fine until the next stop. It won't be easy, and trickles of carroty phlegm may well win out, but keep your head down and there's a clear plastic bin bag at Kennington with your name on it.

9. Making Friends

This is a regular bone of contention among my friends. I've got mates who believe that talking to strangers is a nice and perfectly normal thing to do, and that it speaks to the commonality of humankind when we recognise ourselves in those we've never met. However I'm of the thinking that I've already made my friends through a lengthy process of trial and error, so why would I take a punt on a horde of medical students on their way to an Elrow party? Either way, the chances are you're probably all going to different parties, so the worst that can happen is someone called Henry in a blue Oxford shirt calls you a legend thirty times as he gets off at Clapham Junction.

That said don't obviously try and chat someone up. Chatting someone up on a bus is as dignified as having sex in a Costa toilet.

10. Falling Asleep

Happens to the best of us. Your Big Mac might have gone cold, but hey, at least you're finally getting to see Woking.