#and the weird persistent nature/water theme that a lot of them had

[smol-blue-bird]

so stupid how all computer-related design is flat and boring now. i want operating systems that are lickable

[aestherians]

Choice or Chance?: Exploring voluntarity and categorization in the otherkin and therian communities

Under the cut is the full script for my Othercon 2021 lecture, in which I examine the way we categorize nonhumans based on the perceived amount of choice they had in their identity and how this practice is detrimental to both questioning people and our community as a whole. At the end, I propose a new way to define otherkind and otherlinkers to hopefully move our community forward.

Reading time: 30-40 minutes.

The focus of this lecture has changed a bit since I started working on it. My earliest idea was to discuss the grey area between otherlinks and kintypes - in fact one of my working titles was Grey Zones and Silver Linings. And I still plan on talking about this, though not in the way you might expect. I originally wanted to argue that those who found themselves in this grey area should be able to choose how they wanted to refer to their identity, but the more research and thinking I did, the more I realized that this would still leave a bunch of people torn and confused and wouldn’t solve any of the greater problems in our community. It also seems like such a water-is-wet statement with how the conversation has developed… and you know me, I’m only happy when I’m starting controversies.

So I went looking for the root of this whole categorization debacle.

The nonhuman community, as we know it, didn’t always exist, and though we often say it has roots in elven communities from the ‘70s, that’s only half the truth. While the Elf Queen’s Daughters and related successors such as the Silver Elves are the earliest known organized nonhuman communities, they’re by far not the only pioneers.

Because nonhuman identifying people have always existed, and our numbers have always been relatively small, some of us ended up grouping together without even being aware of the other groups that existed. And of course, all these independently formed groups ended up with their own cultures and traditions and philosophies.

Mailing lists, like the Elfinkind Digest, were generally open for anyone to join and read. But they also weren’t widely known or easy to stumble upon for folks who didn’t already have an interest in these kinds of spirituality and identification. This resulted in a culture where people’s self-identification was generally respected, and they would only be questioned if they made extraordinary claims.

Compare this with the newsgroup Alt.Horror.Werewolves, which was open for anyone to access on Usenet, and which was originally created as just a place to discuss werewolf media. On AHWw, the therians (or ‘weres’ as it was back then) would frequently have to defend their existence against strangers who just found them by coincidence. This would lead to a culture more focused on appearing respectable, which in turn would lead to grilling of new members and shut-downs of “fluffy” topics.

Other independent groups, such as Alt.Fan.Dragons, which was centered around dragons, or Always Believe, which was centered around unicorns, had their own cultures as well. For example, AFD generally accepted dragons from modern fiction, which would not have been tolerated on AHWw.

The Silver Elves is another semi-independently evolved group of elves, fae and similar beings that still exists to this day. They only represent a fraction of our community, but for today’s discussions I find their writings very illustrative. They’ve written about choice of identity on multiple levels. For starters, they believe a lot of elven spirits have actively chosen to incarnate into human bodies. More provocatively, and more interesting to me, they’ve stated multiple times that simply wanting to be an elf means you are an elf.

This is in contrast to the therian community on AHWw, where there was a big focus on involuntary shifts and theorizing on why some people were born with and animal side. I think it’s reasonable to assume this focus on involuntary experiences is due to the werewolf narrative that the community stemmed from. In werewolf media, a person’s wolfish side is rarely, if ever, a choice, while in new age and spiritual communities, like that of the Silver Elves, there’s a greater emphasis on choice of spirituality and subsequently on choice of identity.

It wouldn’t be right to say that every therian back then shared the same idea; however, the idea that involuntary shifts are a core trait of therianthropy does seem to persist in the AHWw’s userbase. Nearly all introduction posts include a line about involuntary shifts. Another idea that repeats itself is that the therian either had a “sudden awakening” or “just always knew” they were animalistic; contrasted with the Silver Elves’ idea that simply wanting to be an elf is enough for you to be one.

-

There are two main ideas about origins that seem to persist in all of this: That one is either born nonhuman or becomes nonhuman. Both are equally true. The ‘born-this-way’-narrative is quite a bit more common than the ‘becoming’-narrative, though that’s not to say that the idea of becoming nonhuman is rare, or even all that controversial in most communities - with a few caveats, that is.

The idea that one can become nonhuman tends to rest on the idea that what we become is outside our control. On the more metaphysical side of things there are stories of people being spiritually transformed into an animal after encounters with an animal spirit, or of having a shard of a god put into them. And on the more mundane side, there are stories of imprinting on a species during early development, or of taking on the experiences of a character after being engrossed in a piece of media. Most people I’ve talked to don’t have a problem with these ideas of ‘becoming’ as something outside your control.

What really gets people’s goat is when someone describes specific choices they’ve made on their journey, which ultimately led to their nonhuman identity.

This finally leads to the theme of this lecture: The topic of choice itself and how we categorize others based on the perceived amount of choice or chance there’s been in the development of their identity.

Questions I’ll discuss include: What kind of choices do we have regarding our identities? What the heck does ‘choice’ even mean in this context? And how does the idea of choice (or lack of choice) affect the way our community functions?

There are many kinds of choices that we inarguably do make on our journey of self-discovery. Probably the first universal choice is to undertake the journey and to seek out a nonhuman community. Choices that naturally follow include choice of labeling - whether we want to call ourselves otherkin, therian, fictionkin, nonhuman, and so on - and the choice to accept or reject whatever feelings caused us to seek out a nonhuman community in the first place. In this line of thinking, being otherkin is a choice - you choose to label yourself as otherkin. However, the feelings, on which you base your decision to label yourself, are not a choice. The feelings that pushed you towards the community were already there.

Another choice that follows pretty naturally in this line of thinking is the choice to strengthen whatever connections you already have. This is something I’m intimately familiar with, as I’ve been doing it since I awakened as a bison. Before I even became aware of my species identity, I knew I was nonhuman. I’d been having simultaneous bison and gnoll feelings for a few years, but couldn’t separate them, and had, without much introspection, decided that I must be some weird kind of wolf. I think a lot of us with uncommon theriotypes have gone through a phase like that.

However, one day I experienced a very strong flashing image - basically a flashback - of being physically a bison. The vision was so vivid and tactile, I immediately knew what it meant, and for the next few weeks I ignored every experience that wasn’t quite bison in nature, and just examined the recognizably bovine feelings. This helped strengthen my bison identity, and in total my questioning process only took around 2 months.

Though I’ve settled in my identity as a bison, and I’m comfortable referring to myself as a bison, I never quit reinforcing it. While I didn’t create the original bison-like feelings, I’m very conscious of the fact that I do choose to connect every trait to my bisonhood that I can. Whether I see the traits as a cause of my current bisonhood, or a result of it, things like being stubborn, preferring physical fights over verbal ones, and even liking the taste of those Beanboozled jellybeans that are supposed to taste like grass… all these traits, that any human could have, are things I connect to my identity as a bison.

I’ve experienced some pushback towards this idea from a few therian communities. A very common rebuttal I’ve run into in introduction threads and grilling threads (which, introduction threads should never be grilling threads in my opinion, but that’s another story)… a very common rebuttal to considering these kinds of traits part of your nonhuman identity is: “Isn’t that just a regular human thing?”

I have so many problems with that question, I’m honestly not sure where to even begin. Yes, those traits are experienced by humans all the time. I think some of the only experiences in the community that regular humans don’t experience are, perhaps, species dysphoria and shifting. But if your identity began and ended with having dysphoria and experiencing shifts, it would hardly qualify as an identity. Treating an identity like just the sum of its parts, rather than a whole and complicated construct, is reductive and it doesn’t just hinder discussion, it stifles discussions.

I don’t know, maybe I’m the odd one here, but my whole nonhuman identity can not be encompassed by my horn dysphoria or the fact that I sometimes feel more like a prey animal than an apex predator. My identity is so much more than that. It’s how I view the world and how I view myself in relation to the world. It’s how I react to things, what I like and dislike, and what I want out of my life. When you envision an identity in this way, as a way to describe who you are, rather than a summary of every individual thing you experience, you absolutely will see some overlap with humans, like it or not.

Another reason I dislike the question “Aren’t those just human traits?” is that it’s often asked in communities where the consensus is that you were born nonhuman, and that your identity is somehow more real or ‘valid’ if it can be corroborated by childhood memories.

While looking back at your childhood and seeing how your current identity might have formed or changed throughout the years can help paint a picture of the identity as a whole, that kind of reminiscence should always be secondary to what you are currently experiencing. Your identity is not based on the fact that you played dog when you were a toddler. Pretty much every human child has played dog or been obsessed with cats or wished they were a dragon. It might be related to your current identity, but if those were your primary nonhuman experiences you would hardly consider yourself nonhuman, nor would you find a home in the community.

No, your identity is based on who and what you are right now, and what you’re experiencing this moment. The validity of your identity should not be judged based on the number of times you pretended to be that creature in kindergarten. Your kintype should be determined based on your current experiences. And if your current experiences include things that humans can also go through, that should have no impact on the validity of your identity.

-

Alright, back on topic: Hopefully, we can agree that there’s no shame in strengthening your connections, reinforcing what traits you already have, and in drawing connections between a nonhuman identity and seemingly human traits. Which is a nice segue into a statement that might ruffle a few feathers:

Linktypes are typically based on preexisting traits that are reinforced to fit a certain narrative or ideal. A copinglink or an otherlink is rarely if ever pulled out of thin air. You just can’t craft an identity from nothing. Yeah, crazy, I know?

This parallels otherkin identities, which, as I mentioned earlier, are based on preexisting experiences and connections that one chooses to give a name and to strengthen.

The process of becoming a linker usually starts with recognizing certain traits that one either wants, or already has but wants to reinforce, by focusing them through a linktype. For example, wanting to become better at handling stress can be difficult to accomplish on its own, but is made easier by thinking about what a specific character or animal would do in a stressful situation.

But you can’t just establish a connection to any given character. There needs to be a resonance between you and the linktype, and if you don’t already have that resonance with the character, it’s impossible for you to craft an identity around them. And in that sense you could easily argue that there is an involuntary aspect to linktypes.

Once the prospective linker has recognized a connection with a character, they will begin the process of reinforcing the identity, which can include anything from writing fanfics in 1st person to wearing clothes reminiscent of the character to asking people to treat you like the character. All things that an otherkin or fictionkind might do when first establishing their identity.

A key trait of linking is that a linktype should fade away once you stop reinforcing it… Linktypes are supposed to go away if you just ignore them and push them away long enough. They’re built to be temporary.

However, a significant number of linkers or former linkers have talked about their linktype becoming an inseparable part of how they view themselves - even the ones who might be able to force their linktype away would at this point become completely different people if they did so.

In other words, their linktype has become an inherent part of who they are as a person. This integrality can appear regardless of how much effort they put into creating the linktype in the first place, and regardless of how nonexistent the linktype was before they created it… What I’m getting at is that some people describe creating an identity from scratch by their own choice, which later becomes an irreversibly ingrained part of them. It’s an experience completely contrary to the idea that we are born nonhuman. I’ll refer to these people as ‘linkers-turned-kin’.

There are a few regular rebuttals I’ve seen to this idea: That linkers-turned-kin just had a late awakening. Or that, perhaps, they felt compelled by their inner true species to seek out the identity. Or even that they were actually born nonhuman, but just didn’t realize until later.

All these rebuttals are disrespectful of the linker-turned-kin’s experiences and intelligence. I won’t even try to hide it: They make me angry. The rebuttals ride on the idea that the born-this-way idea of nonhuman identities is a fact rather than a common belief. I know that for a lot of people the born-this-way narrative rings true. I see you and I am not trying to invalidate your beliefs. Instead, I want you to acknowledge that others may not have the same belief as you. For several people in our community otherkinity is an identity that develops in response to certain traits they have - for some, those traits are inherent, something they’re born with. For others they’re traits that developed later in life, or that were worked towards. And I want to argue that, for some, these traits were expressly chosen.

The reason these arguments against linker-turned-kin make me so angry, aside from the fact that they’re built on the idea that linkers-turned-kin don’t understand their own experiences, and the assumption that your idea of how nonhuman identities work trumps someone’s lived experience… Another reason the arguments make me so angry is that they prescribe more importance to the why than the how of our identity. When you define otherkin by the way our identity formed, you’re basically saying that the cause of otherkinity is more important than the experience of otherkinity.

-

We can’t talk about this without also exploring the community’s animosity towards psychological beliefs.

Through my years in the community, I feel like I’ve had to handhold some folks through the concept of religious tolerance. I remember a little over 4 years ago someone on tumblr asked me my opinion on fictionkind - it would be another 2 years before I had my own awakening, so my response was basically that I was fine with fictionkind, though I didn’t understand their experiences and the only way it could fit into my own worldview was as a psychological phenomenon. Even after my awakening, the latter still holds true. My fictionkinity is primarily psychological. But yeah, somehow my statement that I didn’t believe fictionkinity was caused by past lives got twisted into me saying that fictionkind were all just roleplayers.

Rereading the whole debacle that ensued, this twisting of my words had little to nothing to do with my own personal beliefs - it instead exposed a widespread antipathy towards psychological otherkin. When I have talked about my current experiences as a gnoll, my shifts and my flashbacks and my hiraeth, people generally accept it without a second thought. But when I mention that I believe it’s caused by various psychological phenomena, I have on multiple occasions been told that it must not be a real identity. Some people have even treated my parallel life as just an elaborate fantasy, rather than something that’s completely real to me. I have, word for word, been told that there’s no way I could identify as a nonhuman, or be another species than a human, without believing I have a nonhuman soul. A direct quote: “To say “I am fae” when [you] don’t believe in fae is illogical.”

What I take from these kinds of responses is that a subset of people within our community take it for granted that whatever beliefs someone has about the origin of their identity are objectively true, rather than understanding that our beliefs about our origins are just that: Beliefs. Whatever conclusion we’ve reached based on our experiences, reincarnation or imprinting or something else entirely, and no matter how much we believe in it, it will always be a belief and never a fact. I’m fully convinced that my bison identity is caused by a past life, and that my gnoll and Ben 10 identities are caused by various psychological phenomena. But if that doesn’t fit into someone else’s worldview, they have all the right in the world to explain it away however they want. I have friends who believe my bison identity must be caused by something psychological, and I have friends who believe my gnoll identity must be caused by something spiritual. That is their prerogative.

It doesn’t matter how people make sense of my nonhumanity, as long as they’re respectful towards my own experiences with my identity and don’t try to impose their beliefs on me. If you have to quietly believe that someone really has a faerie soul in order to accept that they’re really a fae, so be it. As long as you don’t try to deny the reality of their current identity. As long as you don’t try to claim that they aren’t really nonhuman, just because they have the quote-unquote “wrong” beliefs about their origin.

There is another, more recent and more prominent, example of the animosity towards psychological otherkin that comes to mind. I will not mention the term itself for fear of people harassing its creator. For the purpose of this lecture, I’ll refer to the concept as “nonhuman by birth”, which is essentially its meaning. If you know which word I’m talking about, I ask that you please don’t mention it in the chat. If you need to know, you can DM me. Also, don’t misunderstand this as me hating on people with past life or soul beliefs. Remember, my own bison identity is based on a soul from a past life.

So, last year a rather old community member on tumblr coined a term, separate from ‘otherkin’, to refer specifically to those who believe they have a nonhuman soul. Which wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself. After all, terms like animafidem and cerebrumalius have been around for half a decade with no issues. However, “nonhuman by birth” is specifically described in its coining post as a “less bastardized” alternative to the word ‘otherkin’. What this post describes as “less bastardized” is spiritual experiences, and specifically those spiritual experiences that are based on soul transfers and reincarnation. Essentially “nonhuman by birth” defines all other beliefs as bastardizations of what otherkinity is supposed to be. All beliefs, including spiritual beliefs that aren’t based on souls or past lives, psychological beliefs, beliefs of becoming nonhuman, beliefs based on magic, neurological beliefs, and archetypal beliefs… None of these are quote-unquote “true otherkin” according to the “nonhuman by birth” concept.

The word thankfully never gained much traction off tumblr, but I have seen individuals use it, and it always, without fail, makes me feel unwelcome, and unwanted. Not because there’s anything wrong with a strong belief in past lives or souls, but because those who choose to use that label specifically believe themselves to be the only true nonhumans. Because the term itself is not based on a respectful, individual belief, but on what its coiner believes to be an objective fact. Because this subset of our community has an almost-evangelical conviction that all nonhumans have nonhuman souls, and those who don’t have nonhuman souls are not nonhuman.

And like I mentioned earlier: The cause of otherkinity can affect the experience a lot. That’s why we have these discussions in the first place - we come together due to our similarities, and we try to understand each other and ourselves by discussing our differences. And this is exactly why proclaiming any version of nonhumanity as the One True Kind of Nonhumanity is so damaging. It completely stifles any exchange of ideas. It makes it impossible for us to understand our differences, and it leads to more and more narrowly defined subcommunities that all believe themselves to be more real than the others.

To define is to limit. We need some limitations, otherwise a dog is a cat and no words have meaning. But we need to be extremely careful where we want those limits to be, otherwise we end up with a community where psychological otherkin are bastards, and only those who are born with nonhuman souls are really nonhuman.

-

The next thing I want to discuss is subjective truth… Subjective truth is one of the most important concepts to understand and really internalize if we wanna have fruitful discussions and respectful experience sharing. In short, a subjective truth is something that is not real because it can be proven to exist through scientific measurements but is instead real because a person experiences it as real. If I make the claim that tea tastes better than coffee, for example, you cannot refute that simply because you think coffee tastes better. We have to understand each other’s experiences and accept that we experience the world in different ways. It’s equally true to say that coffee is better than tea and that tea is better than coffee. This is what I was talking about when I said that the “born-this-way”-narrative and the becoming-narrative are equally true.

So, how does subjective truth apply to this discussion?

A phenomenon in the community I’m sure we’re all aware of is kin memories. If you’re somehow not aware of them, in short they are images, episodes, sensory information, and similar experiences that are thought to stem from another life, usually a past life. They have all the qualia of a memory, except they didn’t happen to the body currently recalling them. These experiences, though, are not restricted to those who believe their nonhumanity stems from a past life. They aren’t even restricted to spiritual otherkin. Plenty of folks with psychological beliefs, mixed beliefs, and other beliefs report the exact same experience: Images, episodes, and sensory information that does not originate from this world or from this current life.

For decades there’s been a lexical gap in the community to describe these memories that aren’t memories. Which is where I can’t avoid tooting my own horn a bit. I have an extremely rich and detailed parallel life as a gnoll, from which I can quote-unquote “recall” events, people, traditions, names, and so much more. It’s all integral to my nonhuman identity.

However, because I believe it all stems from some deep unconscious part of my brain, and because it feels like a parallel life, not a past life, I never felt right calling these things memories. So almost two years ago at this point, I undertook the quest to fill that lexical gap. And after looking through dozens of obscure web pages and dictionaries and articles, I found something useful: The word ‘noema’. Noema is a rarely used Greek word that translates to concept, idea, perception, or thought. And I’ve been very happy to see the term catching on in my corner of the community, where it’s often used as a broader alternative to ‘memory’.

In philosophy, a noema is defined as “the perceived as it is perceived.” At first this might sound a bit vague or esoteric, but when looked at through the lens of subjective truth it suddenly starts to make sense. A subjective truth is something that’s real just because a person experiences it as real. A noema is the perceived as it is perceived. So when we’re using noema as a substitute for memory… when we’re discussing memory-like experiences in the community and we explicitly refer to them as noemata, instead of referring to them as memories, the actual cause of the noema is then irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that it’s in one way or another perceived as a memory. When talking about noemata, it’s completely and utterly irrelevant if they’re real in any objective way - the only thing that matters is that the individual experiences the noema as real. Essentially the word ‘noema’ makes the cause irrelevant, so we can instead focus on the experience alone.

And I think the fact that this word has caught on (at least on tumblr) hints that our community might be moving in a positive direction. I at least dream of a community where we care a lot less about our origins, and a lot more about our actual presence in the world.

-

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago, about this community-wide worry about the origins of our identity. And just to reiterate, I’m not saying your spiritual beliefs are irrelevant, because they can be really important when forming a whole picture of your identity. I’m more so saying they can be a bit of a distraction. In my opinion, the whole discussion about spirituality vs psychology is a red herring. Most of us didn’t seek out the community because we had certain spiritual beliefs. We sought it out because we felt not-quite-human, and it was only later that we reached any conclusions about why we feel nonhuman.

So, my friend and I talked about the role this discussion of origins plays in our community, and we reached a few interesting conclusions. For starters, it’s really upsetting to some folks to have to earnestly consider the idea that reincarnated souls are no more real or ‘valid’ than psychological imprinting, or any other non-spiritual beliefs for that matter. That’s part of what started the whole ‘nonhuman by birth’ idea I mentioned earlier. And it seems this uncomfortableness stems from a place of insecurity.

At the risk of offending some folks, I’m gonna draw a parallel to the trans community. In the trans community there’s a discussion of origins that parallels the one in the kin community and is likewise an attempt to draw lines between the quote-unquote ‘real’ trans people and the so-called transtrenders - which are supposedly people who pretend to be trans for clout. Those who attempt to draw these lines proclaim that being trans is a medical condition that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy, and one that’s marked by intense dysphoria and stress. They’ll also regularly state that being trans is only real or ‘valid’ because it has been proven through MRI brain scans that some female-assigned people have supposedly male brains, and vice versa.

(And just to make things clear, those brain scans are not real. It’s malicious pseudoscience spread by people who want to ‘cure’ transness by preventing trans kids from being born.)

But I think this attempt at validating your identity - in this case with science - stems from a dislike of one’s own traits, or more likely from the outside world’s dislike of those traits. When certain trans people try to prove themselves more valid than others in the eyes of the public, it’s not because they just hate those they deem ‘not trans enough’ - it’s because they’re afraid of being rejected by the rest of the world. These people are basically saying: “I didn’t choose to be trans. This is how I was born, so you have to accept it because it’s unchangeable.” It’s a cry for acceptance in an unaccepting world. And all this is not to say that some trans people aren’t born trans; I really think most trans people have a narrative like that. I’m more so trying to get across that, someone else’s narrative of choice should have no impact on your narrative of involuntarity. Both are real ways to experience being trans. And in many ways, having a narrative of choosing to be trans is necessary for the community, because it closes the doors for eugenicists who would try to eliminate quote-unquote “the trans gene”.

Viewing transness as a purely medical phenomenon where you need to meet certain requirements to get a trans diagnosis is a really reductive way to look at identity. Like I mentioned earlier: An identity is not just the sum of its parts, and it cannot be summarized by being forced to feel dysphoria. The fact of the matter is that we don’t know trans people are real because we have brain imaging technology, or even because certain people meet the medical criteria for having gender dysphoria. We know trans people are real because there are real people who identify as trans. We should be able to trust that people are trans when they tell us they are. And I think we need to look at nonhuman identities the same way.

Before I move on to the conclusion, I want to explain why this topic has become so important to me. A couple of months ago, after a good year or two of introspection, I realized I had created a hearttype. Not a kintype, but nonetheless an equally integral part of how I view myself and engage with the world. And changing something so fundamental about myself sent my thoughts racing.

When I was a kid I picked up a fear of spiders. It wasn’t bad enough to give me panic attacks, but it was bad enough that I couldn’t pick up a spider and carry it outside, even though I could do so with other bugs. I was around 10 years old when I decided that this was dumb, and I wanted to change it. So as a tween I quickly started on my own exposure therapy, looking at photos of spiders, reading about them, photographing them in nature, and after several years it had gotten to the point where I barely had a reaction to seeing them. But as I continued on, getting used to the idea of holding them and touching them, something changed in me.

Where I had previously felt fear, I started to feel admiration and love and a sense of familiarity. I wanted to surround myself with these animals, I wanted to work with them, and I started spending a not-insignificant amount of money on terrariums. And now, after more than a decade of rewriting my own thoughts and changing a mild fear into a love so deep it affects my sense of identity itself, I feel confident saying I created a hearttype. It was not an easy process. Like I said, it took more than a decade. Changing your entire mindset like that can’t be done with just a snap of your fingers. But evidently, some people are able to do it.

Though I have to add that, even here, it’s very easy to argue that there was some level of involuntarity. I already had an emotional response to spiders when I was scared of them. I don’t think I could form this kind of relationship with something I’m completely indifferent to, like, I dunno, a Toyota or a Marvel character. You can’t really form a relationship from nothing. And I appreciate this argument, because it really highlights just how confusing the entire concept of choice is, and how it doesn’t make sense to define ourselves by our lack of choice, when we can’t even define what counts as a choice.

But yeah, realizing that I created a hearttype, an identity that at the time was considered involuntary… realizing that I didn’t just play a part in creating this identity, but that I did create it, period. It sent my mind spinning, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what else might be possible. If I could create such love in myself, could I also do the opposite and tear down my own hearttype and recreate the phobia? Not something I want to test. But I think I could. And which other identities could be created like this?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the creation process has no impact on the nature of the identity itself, and I ended up posting a really controversial thing on tumblr. In hindsight I understand why some people got so pissed off about it, but I still stand by those thoughts. I’ll read it to you in full: “Theoretically I probably could force myself to not be otherkin. But it would take a decade or more, the way my hearttype creation did, and it would require constant work throughout those years. However, I see no way I wouldbenefit from that work, the way I did when I unintentionally created a hearttype in the process of getting rid of a phobia. It would just rid me of a part of myself that’s intrinsic to how I recognize myself. That’s not something I in any way want - and because I don’t want it, and because the choice would have to happen continuously on a timescale I can barely comprehend, I couldn’t make that choice in practicality.”

A very long and very complicated discussion came out of this post that I’d need a whole separate lecture to recap. But a few important ideas were developed, which I need to mention here. For starters, when discussing shadowwork and the Jungian archetypes, Jasper accidentally coined the term ego alteration. Through that discussion we ended up defining ego alteration as the process by which you proactively alter your conscious mind, your self-perception, and your thought-patterns. It’s not something to be taken lightly, as you’ll essentially be changing your sense of self by it. And it’s also not something everyone has the ability, desire, or drive to do. To integrate something into your sense of self, or to remove something that’s currently a part of your sense of self is serious business, and, like my hearttype creation, is something that should be thought about on a decades long timescale. I don’t have time to get in-depth about it here, but to consciously change your identity and your sense of self is definitely possible for some folks, and it’s nice to have a name for the concept.

Something else that came of that discussion is my own thoughts about how we define otherkin. The most common definition I’ve seen is “to identify, wholly or partially, as something nonhuman on a nonphysical level, by no choice of your own.” … I suggest we drop the last bit.

Okay, it’s a bit more complicated than just deleting a few words. In order to drop the “by no choice of your own” bit, without losing the meaning of otherkinity completely, and letting kin for fun take over, we’d need to rethink that entire definition.

Instead of defining otherkin by the amount of choice we had in the formation of our identity, I suggest we define otherkin by how integral our identities are to us. It was briefly mentioned on in one of the other panels (though I forget which one), but a pretty big source of conflict is that kin for fun just don’t understand the gravity of otherkin identities. If we define otherkinity as something that’s inseparable from who we are as individuals, it would not only make it clear to kin for fun that this is, well, not for fun. It would also get around the problem of people who worry that their identities might be invalid because they’ve made certain choices.

Your otherkinity is inherent, and by that I mean you would be a fundamentally different person if not for your kintype. At its most basic level, your kintype is what you recognize yourself to be. It’s the kind you belong to, rather than, or in tandem with, belonging to humankind. You kintype is an intrinsic part of you, and even if you could get rid of it, it would fundamentally change who you are is a person. If you chose not to be otherkin, you would also choose not to be you. In that sense, I suppose otherkinity is involuntary, in that you yourself can’t choose not to be otherkin, because as soon as you make that choice, you aren’t you. Though you could also argue that it is a choice because you wake up every day and choose to be you. And thus, the topic of choice leaves us running around in circles like it always has.

Being otherkin… being otherkind has never been about being forced to feel species dysphoria. It’s about being of another kind. It’s about knowing and recognizing humankind, and accepting that, in one way or another, that does not describe us.

And all this is not to say that copinglinking shouldn’t be a concept, but we need to rethink that as well. From the very few copinglink writings that exist, one topic I’ve seen several times is the idea of copinglinks becoming inseparable from you. This is not the point of links, and those who do go through a change like that find themselves more at home in the kin community than the link community. I don’t want to impose myself on linkers, but if we want these two words to make sense and have a use, we need to redefine both. I suggest defining copinglinks and otherlinks by their lack of integrality or by their ability to be dropped when necessary.

The line that has been drawn between otherkin and copinglinkers doesn’t help anyone as it is. There are far too many nonhumans who straddle the line, who feel torn between either community, or who only call themselves linkers because they feel pressured to do so. There are far too many nonhumans who don’t feel like they have a community they can call home.

So, I’m gonna propose a new and much more inclusive definition: To be otherkin is to identify as something nonhuman on an inherent or integral level. There you go, clean and simple. No more caveats or nested sentences.

[draconic-ichor]

In the Steel Steeds Heart

Chapter 28: The Pot Boils Over

Warnings:” strong language, sexual themes

Summar: Juniper finally comes clean to Heisenberg…

Feedback appreciated. 18+

Their interactions for the following days didn’t fare better. Juniper was touchy and moody, almost bursting into tears at some of Heisenberg’s comments. He was at a loss, used to her being a bantering partner.

She’d started avoiding the workshop, from a mixture of the smell and her recent lack of patience for his joking. At night Heisenberg would frequently hear her crying softly when she thought he’d fallen asleep or while she hid away in the bathroom.

It broke his heart.

He knew she was suffering, but wouldn’t talk to him. When he would attempt to get answers from her it seemed to push her father away.

So he started focusing on work more, spending more time away from the apartment.

His worry worked its way into a sharp blade, slicing into him when his mind would wander.

Was it his fault? It must be. That’s why she wouldn’t speak to him…

The thought swam darkly around his brain.

How did he fuck up?

The worry was blanketed with anger and annoyance, his usual response to hard to process emotions. He knew what being angry felt like, it was normal. It was easier to handle, he thought.

But it made him simmer like a kettle, ready to boil over every second. The deeper he sunk into worry and self-loathing without any type of answers, the higher the heat rose on the kettle.

After their most recent spout, it finally did boil over…

Heisenberg sat reading at the table, smoking a cigar quietly. Juniper bruised herself with cleaning up the dishes after their most recent meal. The smoke hit her face, making her wrinkle her nose. For some odd reason it sent a sharp bolt of annoyance through her.

“Do you have to do that?” She grumbled as she wiped down the table with a damp rag.

“What??” Heisenberg looked up sharply, confused.

“Smoke at the table while I’m cleaning.”

“And? It never bothered you before.”

“It’s bothering me now!” She snapped.

Heisenberg dropped the cigar in the ashtray, fixing her with a narrow gaze. “Just deciding to be a complete bitch to me or does it just come naturally?” He barked, leaning back in the chair.

“Excuse me?” Juniper threw down the rag, turning to meet his gaze.

They stared down at each other for a long, tense moment. Juniper was the first to break, looking away with glassy eyes.

“You are such an asshole.” She began to walk away, hiding her face.

“Me?” Heisenberg stood, anger rising, “You’ve been treating me like shit.” He went after her, grabbing her wrist in a strong hold. Juniper stopped dead but didn’t look back at him.

“Why have you been acting so damn weird?”Heisenberg asked, his brows knotting together. His voice was rough and accusing.

“Getting all buddy-buddy with Donna?” He walked towards her, “Being quiet as hell around me? Acting like I’m going to bite, what’s going on?”

Juniper’s shoulders shook a bit, refusing to turn toward him. He didn’t take the silence well, grabbing her arm and forcing her to face him.

“Juniper, fucking talk to me!” He almost begged, “If I fucked up just tell me.”

He saw tears start to fall from her eyes, her lips trembling. Heisenberg heard the cups and plates in the cabinets begin to shake and clink together.

He took a breath, trying to calm his voice a bit, realizing she was much more distressed then she was letting on.

“Buttercup?” He wiped a tear away, “What did I do?”

Juniper pushed him away a bit, “W-we messed up Karl.” On the chairs fell away from the table with a loud clatter, papers swirled around them.

Confusion clouded his eyes.

“K-Karl,” she stammered through tears, “I’m pregnant!”

His grip fell from her, his face losing color. In the wake of his silence she started to blurt everything out.

“I've been asking Donna to teach me how to sew and make clothes so I c-could maybe make things later.” Her hands covered her face, “And I've been trying to c-collect things that wouldn’t be suspicious.”

Heisenberg stumbled back a bit, his lips a thin line. His mind was a garbled mess, stomach totally flipping as he almost lost his footing. The floor felt like jelly under his legs and thought hammered through his brain. So much made sense now but damn…it was a lot to take in.

“I didn’t know how to tell you!” Juniper cried, “I thought you would hate me.” The papers and small bits of metal began to fly erratically around them, silverware rattled in the drawers as the kitchen knives threatened to pull free from the block.

She gulped, looking up at him, “Please say something. Say anything!”

She almost begged, “Just yell at me Karl, please!”

Heisenberg looked almost dumbfounded, eyes wide, as he asked in a low voice, “Buttercup, you’re pregnant?”

“Haven’t you been listening?”

“Are you sure?”

“I think so…I took a test.” She looked down, “And my stomach feels different…”

“Fuck.” Heisenberg whispered, crumpling into the kitchen chair. His hands balled into his hair.

Juniper stood still for a moment, trying to control her breathing. Everything in the room started to slow until the debris around them fell to the floor. The cabinets grew silent as the soft hum died. Juniper wiped her eyes with a shaking hand.

“How long?” Heisenberg’s voice was hardly auditable.

“About a month.” She admitted, padded closer.

He put his face into his hands, his thoughts a storm in his head.

“D-Do you want me to leave?” Juniper asked, her voice wavering.

He looked up suddenly at her, “Of course not! Just give me a fucking second ok.”

She nodded, worrying her hands.

~

It was a while before they had a real conversation about the matter, eventually sitting down to talk.

Shocked couldn’t begin to describe how he felt.

He shifted between bewilderment and fear.

“Heis…” Juniper knocked on the side of the doorway to the shop.

Heisenberg didn’t move, his chin resting on his folded hands, “Hm?”

“Can…can we talk?” Juniper’s voice was heavy, almost pleading.

“…sure.” He answered, his voice was not tinged with any ill.

She came forward, pulling up a chair to sit close to him. They sat in silence for a long moment before words tugged at her lips.

“You haven’t broken anything.” She observed, almost surprised.

“I’m not angry.” He said frankly, not moving his head to look at her.

“Then…what are you?” She ventured.

He mulled over his answer, not truthfully sure himself.

“Confused.” He finally admitted.

Juniper nodded in understanding, even though she had time to process everything.

“And a bit upset.” He went on, “That you waited so long to tell me.” Juniper opened her mouth but he continued, “We’re in this together…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide shit from me.”

His words stung a bit but she understood his hurt.

“I’m sorry.” She reached out a hand, fingers finding his coat sleeve.

He gave a little rumble of acknowledgment.

“This also makes our lives a lot more complicated…everything is fucked.”

“Does it have to be?”

“Well it sure as hell puts me on a tight time limit on the whole ‘revolution’ thing.” He snorted.

When she didn’t speak he rattled on, “Your in danger…so much more than before. I’m not losing you again.”

His voice was determined, almost breaking under the weight of his promise to himself.

“And about…about the baby?” She held onto his sleeve even tighter, worry making her tremble a bit.

His lips were a thin line, eyes clouded. “We’ll figure it out…” he sighed, “Won’t let that bitch have it either.”

His words gave her a bit of relief; hearing his want to protect not only her but the baby quelled her fears of him rejecting the child altogether

“…you said you took a test?” He ventured, words breaking the silence that had blanked the room.

Juniper nodded, “I bought one from the Duke.”

“Where is it now?” He asked.

Juniper shifted uncomfortably.

“What did you do with it, Doll?”

“I…panicked.”

“Where?”

Her eyes teared up a bit, “I-I threw it off the balcony…into the scrapyard.”

Heisenberg gave a heavy, exasperated sigh. There was a silence between them for a moment before Heisenberg stood, “I have to find it.”

He paused, “What does it look like?”

“A little pink and white stick…made out of plastic.” She admitted.

“Of course it fucking is…”

~

It took him three days of sifting through scrap to find the test. When he found it he burned it until it was unrecognizable then disposed of it in the deepest reaches of the factory. Now that it was gone it gave him a small semblance of relief.

Even now Juniper acted like more of a mother then Miranda had: speaking fondly about the growing life and in the soft tones of her voice. The very fact she strove to learn new skills for the future child’s benefit spoke volumes to him.

He was still on the fence with how he felt, a mixture of fear and confusion. But seeing her be the thing he never had brought hope to flutter about his chest like a young bird.

Neither of them knew, or could recall, their true parents, no memories to guide them now. But they had each other and a dug in desire to keep this child safe.

The most important thing now was secrecy.

Heisenberg knew it couldn’t have just been a miracle of nature. It had to be the work of Mother Miranda, some sick scheme to breed a vessel from her strongest subject.

But fuck all of that.

This was his, his blood, his baby.

And he would do everything in his power not to let her sink her golden claws into it.

~

That night as they got ready for bed together Heisenberg practically scooped Juniper up and took her to the bed. She made little sounds of protest but he was persistent. Now that the immediate threats were sorted out he just craved comfort.

He flopped onto the bed, nuzzling into her. She wiggled into a more comfortable position on him, cupping a hand over his strong jaw.

“What’s all this for?” She smiled.

“You’ve been so worked up recently that you’ve been a prickly bitch to me for weeks…I just want to hold you ok.” He huffed out.

Juniper looked away, the guilt flooding back into her. She blinked away the threatening salt water, her heart clenching. She hugged onto him, “I’m sorry.” She sniffed.

He accepted the hug, nuzzling into her hair and huffing out deeply. “I know…” he murmured.

They lay there for what felt like hours, just enjoying each other’s heartbeat and warmth. Tension seemed to flow from them, the comfort washing away weeks of stress.

“I love you.” Juniper murmured into his chest.

“I love you too, buttercup.” He whispered back, dropping a kiss onto the crown of her head.

Heisenberg was still concerned for her and their situation beyond words, but the heaviness of the world could wait. He lay back, holding Juniper to his chest as he thought. The fact she carried his baby at that very moment still baffled him. Something deep in his heart sparked to life, burning brighter and hotter the more it all settled into reality in his mind.

He squeezed her softly, earning a little mewl.

Fuck…he was going to be a Father.

[1863-project]

I’m at the end of my first-ever Omega Ruby run, and I’ve honestly had a great time getting to know Hoenn. I just have to evolve some Pokemon and catch the Regis and Deoxys before I move along (I’m waiting to trade with folks to finish the Dex properly, but I can do that at any point), but I think it’s worth doing a retrospective on the characters and Pokemon I met along the way.

As a region, Hoenn is unique in that it has a LOT of water routes. You spend a large portion of the second half of the game traveling via Surf. The Azumarill in my party, Pikablue, ended the game knowing Waterfall, Surf, and Dive (it also carries Play Rough), and it was one of the most crucial members of my party for transport purposes.

When I won the Hoenn League, the team May (named ‘Hatshepsut’ in my playthrough because we love cool historical figures in this house) had with her was her evolved starter, a Blaziken named Cluck You, along with Pikablue the Azumarill, Pangaea the Groudon, Charles II the Shiftry, Friendo the Latios, and the team anchor, Bastet the overleveled Skitty. I beat Steven because Bastet dodged a Zen Headbutt from Metagross and gave me the time I needed to revive both Blaziken and Groudon in the back, and their fire moves handled the rest. Bastet went on to become the first party member to reach level 100, way ahead of everyone else. She was absolutely incredible and I love her. Her final moveset: Heal Bell (surprisingly useful, especially in Doubles), Thunder, Ice Beam, and Play Rough. She’s a Dragon Slayer.

As soon as I got my hands on the Eon Flute I started running around to check every Mirage location that came up in the hopes that it would be a Mirage Cave. I knew that was where Tynamo was, and I needed Eelektross to complete the Submas team I was building (the other nine members are in SwSh at the moment; Eelektross will hopefully someday join them). On November 30th, my persistence paid off, and I went and caught three Tynamos so I could have the entire evolutionary line in my National Dex in Pokemon HOME. As it turns out, Eelektross still hasn’t been added to HOME because Third Rail has become a vital member of my party in postgame and I love him and he loves me. (I’m just Emmet, really.) The Eon Flute is also really nice in that using it allows you to literally fly in real time over the entire region, and I prefer doing that to using Fly because it’s just so aesthetically nice. Friendo just swoops down and picks me up, and we have a nice time exploring together. It’s especially pretty at night when everything is all lit up. It’s a lovely little feature exclusive to Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire, and it’s so great.

Character-wise, Hoenn has produced some notables. Magma and Aqua are two of the most beloved villain teams in the entire franchise, and the reboots gave them so much more personality and gave the leaders and admins some excellent updated designs. (Years ago, when the remakes were first released, my dash was filled to the brim with Hardenshipping.) I had OR, so I had Magma to contend with, and one of the single most entertaining things in the entire game is Maxie’s losing animation. It’s perfect, it suits his character so well, and it’s just really funny. Also, shout-out to the Team Magma grunt that I met in the Extremely Obvious Hideout who told me how proud he was of kicking his soda habit whilst standing next to the vending machines. I love that guy. In terms of reformation, Magma and Aqua come around very easily when they realize that they’ve had a very bad idea - they ultimately were well-intentioned but made a really horrible mistake and set out to set things right (with the player’s help, of course). It ultimately makes both teams very likeable.

In terms of other characters, not every Gym Leader from Hoenn is a complete standout, but a few are very, very popular. Flannery is a perfect time capsule of 2003 fashion and I love that so much, and I don’t think I need to say much about Wallace. He’s just Wallace. He’s so freaking entertaining. Steven is also a very popular Champion, and he plays a pretty big role in the plot, so you see a lot of him throughout the game. (He and Wallace are also a very popular ship, with Originshipping - named for the Cave of Origin which Wallace has to grant you access to - actually being referenced in Pokemon Masters on, of all days, Valentine’s Day. Make of this what you will, but I’m here for it.) The Gym Leaders all received redesigns as well, with a lot of them benefiting greatly from it - I like Roxanne’s new school uniform so much better than her old one, for example, and once again, Wallace outshines everyone with an ensemble that would go wonderfully at the Coney Island Mermaid Parade. I wish we got to know the Gym Leaders a bit more as people, because they don’t get to stand out as characters as much. Galar actually did this very well by allowing us a lot of interactions with the Leaders outside the Gyms and as teammates and rivals in the Galarian Star Tournament. A big part of the reason Wallace is so popular as a Gym Leader here is that you see him outside the Gym multiple times and can even compete with him in Contests. You get to know him as a person more and not just as the eighth Gym Leader, and it makes him a much more interesting character.

In short, here’s how the League stacks up for me:

Roxanne: Benefited massively from her character redesign, which gives her a lot more personality. Would like to see her and Steven interact since they’re apparently friends, which I imagine revolves around going out and licking rocks together or whatever geologists do with their geologist friends.

Brawly: He still isn’t very distinct. He’s a surfer who trains Fighting-types, which is a bit of a subversion since you’d expect Water-types from someone like that, but nothing about him really pops for me.

Wattson: Gives off Grandpa Vibes. Wattson actually gets a lot of expository development via his work on New Mauville and Sea Mauville, where you find out he halted the projects to protect the Pokemon ecosystems in both locations. A lot of employees were angry about this and he was even investigated briefly for stopping the projects, even being called a traitor to the company (which appeared to overwork its employees and prevent them from unionizing), but it was apparently evidently clear that he did things out of environmental concerns, and the employees were able to find work on other projects elsewhere. This actually slots nicely into the themes of the game involving environmentalism and how to ensure the livelihoods of people and nature both.

Flannery: Time capsule from 2003! I was, of course, around in 2003 (I turned 14), and Flannery was at the peak of fashion back then. Flares were in, and I miss that trend so much. For that alone, she’s one of my favorite Gym Leaders in this generation, but I also appreciate that she’s shown trying to find her footing and figure out who she is instead of pretending to be someone else. There’s a certain performative aspect to being a Gym Leader, but it needs to come naturally from them and be an extension of their own personality, not be artificial. I would, however, love to know who her grandfather is. It’s still never been confirmed. (As a side note, a lot of people headcanon her to be Kabu’s niece, since he’s from Hoenn, which is cute.)

Norman: A Dad. More specifically, the player character’s dad. There’s really nothing that stands out about him except for that damn Slaking, which gives a lot of people trouble. I did, however, appreciate the conversation he had with Wally’s father as Wally and the player character departed together, because I’m actually pretty close to my own father (who I’m very similar to in many aspects). I’m 31 years old and I still get emotional every time my parents tell me they’re proud of me. Notably, Norman is the only player character father we have ever seen in Pokemon, though, which is odd.

Winona: In-game, she doesn’t feel like she has much of a personality, although she goes off on aesthetics pretty well. It just weirds me out that that’s her hair coming out from under the helmet and not wings attached to it. She could have been really cool but she gets the short end of the development stick.

Tate and Liza: The two of them intentionally playing up the ‘weird twins’ angle by completing each other’s sentences actually comes across really cutely because they’re kids. You can also run into them in the Lilycove Department Store being children and buying toys, a good reminder that they’re still very young and evidently very skilled for their ages. Battle-wise, my Azumarill knew Surf by this point so I ended things quickly because I’m into Doubles as it is and like using spread moves when I can.

Wallace: I’ve discussed him a lot above, so I don’t need to say much else, but he really is the most notable Gym Leader in the region, and not just because he’s the last one you face. He has a lot of personality and development, you meet him outside the Gym several times, his niece Lisia is also out and about in the game and the family resemblance is notable, and you find an old magazine in Sea Mauville featuring a woman on the cover who looks like Lisia - likely Wallace’s older sister, Lisia’s mother. The entire family gets more development than a lot of the other Gym Leaders in this region.

Sidney: The first member of the Elite Four you face...I’d actually like to know more about him. He seems like an interesting person, and I personally enjoy Dark-types myself so I always appreciate seeing Dark-type users not being portrayed as evil. His upbeat nature is nice, and it’s a pleasant surprise to run into him at the Battle Resort, even if he was only there to track down Steven.

Phoebe: I love how much her appearance contrasts with her Pokemon typing. She’s a Ghost-type trainer and you’d never guess that from her outfit! Her grandmother is the old woman on Mt. Pyre, which is why Phoebe has an affinity for Ghost-Types, and I’d love to see more interactions involving them together. You can run into Phoebe on Mt. Pyre after you beat the League and talk to her briefly - she was likely visiting her grandmother - but sadly she doesn’t get much development outside of that.

Glacia: An Ice-type trainer who we learn next to nothing about. Glacia is mentioned outside of the context of the Elite Four by an NPC in the Mauville Food Court who says she was slurping down ramen so intensely that she broke a sweat, but that’s all we know about her aside from that she’s originally from a different region, and she tells us that herself. Not very memorable.

Drake: Yet another Dragon trainer late in the game, and not one of the more notable ones. Lance and Clair are remembered for being cousins and for being the first Dragon trainers you really come across in the series, and later Dragon-type trainers like Iris (who becomes Champion of Unova in B2W2) and Raihan are carried by their personalities and distinct looks. Drake is just an old sea captain with Dragon-types, and he doesn’t really jump out at me much either.

Steven: A major player in the plot - one of the most active Champions we’ve had in the franchise - and a perpetually popular character. I never minded running into Steven out and about in Hoenn, even if it meant I’d have to listen to an infodump about rocks, and his Champion battle was actually fairly difficult for the team I brought in despite having two team members with Fire-type attacks to handle the Steel. As I mentioned above, it was my Skitty that made the decisive dodge to allow me to bring in the team member I needed to deliver the final blow, meaning this is now the second time in my life I’ve beaten the Champion with an unevolved house cat. (Rick Pratt the Purrloin is a vital member of my beloved Young Ones Galar Championship Team.) Overall, Steven’s a very likeable Champion, and I did enjoy the little detail of the rocks on display in his home - he has them labeled so you can see where he found them, and they’re from every region featured in the games up to that point.

Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire also have the Delta Episode, which features Rayquaza (which you’re forced to catch) and a character named Zinnia, who isn’t in RSE at all and is new to ORAS. Besides being named after my favorite flower, Zinnia’s personality is actually very interesting because although she comes across as cheery it’s clear she feels the weight of a massive responsibility and that the cheeriness is covering a lot of pain. Her Whismur named Aster is evidently named after someone important to her who is no longer around, and it’s never revealed in-game who the original Aster was. Whoever Aster was, though, Zinnia misses her deeply. In a 2015 interview, Ohmori Shigeru stated that the original Aster was the person who held the position of Lorekeeper before Zinnia, but we don’t know anything more than that - a shame, really, because that makes for some interesting backstory.

Overall, I had a lovely time in Hoenn, and I’ll be moving on to Kalos in the next few weeks once I finish up this Dex business first. I just wish I got to get to know so many of the characters I’ve met a little better, but I adore the team I put together and I’m super proud of them and all they’ve accomplished.

[itsagutthing]

Places Carrie Mathison Has Lived: New York City Edition

this installment of my carrie’s apartments series is close to my heart because i also live in brooklyn, though not close to carrie. the show actually filmed a scene just a block from my apartment, but for obvious reasons i’m not going to specify which scene. i know, season six is overall meh with the exception of carrie’s blazers, but my lizard brain still goes, “that’s where i live!” so i give it more leeway than i probably should. 

carrie lives in the bedford-stuyvesant neighborhood of brooklyn, which was once primarily home to black and latino families but unfortunately is in the process of gentrifying. some light googling tells me they filmed the interior apartment scenes on a soundstage in another brooklyn neighborhood called greenpoint, which begs the question: why didn’t they just make carrie live there? greenpoint has also been gentrified but is mostly home to eastern european immigrants, so the writers could have avoided the questionable racial implications of carrie living in bed-stuy, particularly when she’s working at a non-profit that promotes racial justice. and greenpoint is also more convenient to her office in williamsburg! i know the answer to this question is probably just “brownstones look pretty,” and there are lots of brownstones in bed-stuy but not in greenpoint, but i’ll still bitch about it.

anyway, we know from quinn’s escape to the bodega in 6.02 that carrie lives close to the intersection of throop avenue and halsey street, which means she lives off of the kingston-throop A and C trains and a sort-of far walk from the bedford-nostrand G. she probably takes the G to work in williamsburg. this is information that’s only important to me, but i love public transit. 

the bike lane sign in the screenshot above reminds me how much i loved seeing carrie biking around berlin. even though nyc isn’t nearly as bike-friendly, i hope she does the same in brooklyn. 

carrie appears to have free reign of the entire brownstone, which must have been two separate units at some point — both where she and franny live and the ~garden apartment~ on the basement level that has both a full bath and kitchen. she obviously can’t afford to rent out an entire brownstone in new york city, even in bed-stuy, so my headcanon is that otto bought it as an investment property and is letting carrie and franny stay in it at a heavily discounted rate.

brownstones are typically long and skinny, as we see here. there are really only two rooms on the first floor: the living room and the kitchen.

i love seeing all of franny’s drawings strung up on the living room wall and her chalkboard/easel in the corner. this fixes an issue i had with carrie’s berlin apartment, which was that there was a weird lack of kid stuff. i don’t think that means anything on its own — we see in 5.01 how devoted carrie was to her seemingly normal life as a mother — but it’s nice to see more little touches in her brooklyn apartment. 

i assume the fireplace in the left-hand corner isn’t actually usable, but it does make the living room look homier. i’m surprised there isn’t more carpeting, since carrie loves a patterned rug. the living room looks a little cold without it. maybe she isn’t done decorating yet, though i think we’re supposed to believe they’ve been in nyc for a few months.

there’s a tv next to the fireplace in 6.05 that isn’t there in 6.01, which is very strange placement. the only furniture opposite the tv is a desk and chair, so there’s nowhere to sit comfortably while watching. i don’t think carrie spends a lot of time watching tv, but that’s still a confusing choice. i do like franny’s fuzzy chair with bunny ears, though. carrie probably ordered it on amazon but i like to imagine her schlepping it in and out of a cab.

now for the kitchen:

one nice thing the show did to convince us that this is an apartment carrie could maybe afford is that it’s not newly renovated: all the kitchen appliances are basic and/or old, and the countertops look like plastic laminate and are chipped along the edges. and there’s no room for the nice cutting boards or espresso machine she had in germany! i always find barstools charming even if they’re just a cheat to make an efficient use of counter space.

my favorite detail in the kitchen is the trio of framed drawings done by franny. again, i love all the “carrie’s a mom, remember?” touches.

the curtains are a gold color and match the curtains in the living room! carrie learned some design lessons in berlin.

even in the daytime the whole first floor feels really dark, which makes me miss the floor-to-ceiling windows in berlin. i brightened the screenshots a lot to see the details, but especially in the living room, the sunlight just doesn’t reach all the way across the house. the lack of natural light (and the fact that they filmed during the late fall) does a lot of quick work to set the dreary tone that persists for the entire season. i can’t help but compare it to the americans, which also filmed in brooklyn in the fall/winter, but at least the indoor scenes in that show were well-lit and generally warmer in both color and tone. 

i associate the early seasons of homeland with warm yellows, probably because they filmed either in the desert or in charlotte in the summertime. the shift to gray winter skies and heavy coats is a little jarring, even with berlin in the middle as a transitional urban, cooler season. 

that door behind carrie goes out to a set of stairs and their little backyard/patio:

it’s common, if a little depressing, to have bars on first-floor windows as shown in the second shot above, both to child-proof an apartment from the inside and to prevent break-ins. our first view of franny for the season is through those bars, but i’m not entirely sure what the symbolism is supposed to be. carrie already feels a separation from franny, maybe? this shot especially feels super foreboding.

carrie continues her trend of killer outdoor lounge furniture (remember the multiple chaises on her DC patio?) with the wooden chair with blue cushions right outside the back door. there are also more potted plants than i believe carrie would purchase/remember to water, especially in the winter, but maybe she figures if they’re outside they’ll get enough rain to survive.

i don’t have a lot to say about the patio itself other than i’m jealous that carrie has outdoor space.

inside by the stairs/front entryway is a framed berlin jazz poster which makes me inexplicably happy, and follows the same trend with the jazz posters she had in her DC apartment. it’s hard to tell what’s in the photos, so i’m choosing to believe they’re pictures of places she and franny loved in berlin, including some of the two of them taken by jonas. there is absolutely a photo of franny and carrie at the birthday party we saw in 5.01 where carrie’s wearing that balloon hat.

we don’t get to see a lot of the second floor, but i’m going to assume it’s just franny’s room, carrie’s room, carrie’s weird conspiracy closet, and a bathroom.

franny’s room is very colorful, with the rainbow sheets and rainbow polka dot curtains. it makes up for the dreariness of the first floor. behind carrie in that second shot is franny’s star lamp, which i love but have many questions about. it’s obviously an allusion to brody, of which there are many in season 6, probably because they’re in new york city and brody would have never served/been captured/turned/bonded with carrie if not for 9/11. assuming that carrie purchased this lamp for franny with brody’s memory in mind, does franny have anything else that’s star themed? if not, why this lamp? did carrie explain to franny that stars make her think of franny’s father, or is it just a secret nod for carrie alone? how often does carrie talk to franny about brody, if at all?

now we move to carrie’s conspiracy closet:

i’ve been in enough brownstones to know that sometimes there are strange inexplicable tiny rooms, which is what we have here. i’m sure this would be advertised as an office space on streeteasy but it really looks like a glorified closet with a confusing number of doors leading off of it. i count three total including the one saul came in — what are all these doors? i think the one on saul’s right goes to franny’s room but i don’t have a great spatial brain and i’m not confident about that assessment.

this conspiracy board reveal was kinda anticlimactic since very little happens with it, but i still felt like i needed to include it as a separate room since carrie clearly spends a lot of time here. 

i wish we got to see carrie’s bedroom because i love to scrutinize the art she has, but sadly we’re limited to franny’s room. i’m going to assume there’s a full bath up here somewhere, and a half bath downstairs that we don’t see. 

finally, we have the basement apartment that carrie allegedly rents out on airbnb. in real life it likely would be marketed as an entire unit separate from the two floors above, but since otto owns the entire brownstone / is in love with carrie he’s just letting her do whatever she wants with it.

the full kitchen is what convinces me it was supposed to be an independent unit — no one has a stove and sink and lots of cabinets in their basement. like we saw in carrie’s kitchen, none of the appliances are fancy and the countertops are nothing special, which makes the room look kinda drab but does help sell the idea that carrie could actually live here. there’s also some water damage in the corner by the fridge. i’m not sure why they decided to be realistic in season 6 — can we all recall carrie’s unnecessary two-bedroom townhouse in DC? — and it’s not particularly fun to watch, but i’m not mad about it.

the living room area of this basement actually looks cozier than carrie’s living room, with all the pillows and the exposed brick wall. i have a weakness for exposed brick walls, as we know from carrie’s DC apartment, and here it goes pretty far to make the space look homey. the couch looks like it matches the chair on her patio (with the wood frame + blue cushions), so does that mean the patio chair is meant for normal indoor use? why is it outside?? 

as we know from her berlin apartment, carrie really loves a two-curtain combo with a sheer under layer. these are dark green, similar to the navy ones she loved in berlin but not the same. i do like the thought of carrie taking her navy curtains with her from germany and relegating them to the basement to avoid the constant reminder of her past life, but i also have no desire to think about what it would mean that quinn ends up living in the basement with her jonas curtains. so those must be new! 

in summary: musings about carrie’s role in gentrification, the color palette of the show, berlin jazz poster + photos, franny’s art on the walls, star lamp, a basement living room that’s cozier than carrie’s actual living room!

[notesfromthefielddesk]

Episode 1 - Malinowski

Episode link; https://open.spotify.com/episode/6nIUBg5IthVY6F1caobf1N?si=04759ed73f474e39 

We hear the fizz of the surf and some seagulls

John

Imagine yourself set down surrounded by all your gear alone on a tropical beach, close to a native village, while the dinghy which brought you sails away out of sight.

Now imagine, you look down that beach and see a man. He’s sat behind a desk wearing a tweed suit. Is that a microphone? You head over to investigate and realise he is narrating your actions.

Hi! this is notes from the field desk.

Theme

John

Why don’t you grab a seat… I guess on the sand. I’d offer you a chair but honestly getting this one here was hard enough. It’s a good one though, one of those ones with lumbar support. I insisted on it.

I said “if i’m going to sit behind a desk on a tropical beach for months you better believe i’m having lumbar support.” The guys on the fishing boat were not impressed. You should have seen their faces when they saw the desk.

Oh.. I seem to be sinking in the sand a little, would you mind, yeah if you just grab the other side. (Skuffling) Okay should be good now.

Transport and sinking aside it’s a pretty good office though right? I know you can see it but do you mind if I just describe for the benefit of the tape?

I am sat on Maliu Island just off the coast  of Papua New Guinea. We’re at the North West Shoreline. It’s early morning the sun still rising. Looking out over the bay the lightly rippled sea shimmers in a thousand tints caught briefly on it’s continuously moving surface. In shallow spots amid turquoise vegetation, you see rich purple stones overgrown with weeds. Where the water is smooth unruffled by wind the sky and land are reflected in colours ranging from sapphire to the milky pink shadows of the mist enveloped coastline.

brief silence just washing of waves

John

I know what you’re thinking. Why the desk? I actually think this is a stroke of genius. I was talking to my supervisor, Susan, and she told me theres a debate in anthropology about the separation between field and desk.

You know anthropology? We’re like sociologists who like travel and hate maths.

Just so you know in academic circles that joke kills.

Anyway, apparently theres loads of articles about how anthropologists go to the field and they meet all people. Then they go back to their desks, in the universities and libraries and whatever. And then they write things that don’t relate to the people. Which makes going pointless in the first place. At least I think that’s what they were getting at, I sort of skimmed them, and they seemed to fit with this other idea of mine so… Sort of just ran with it.

My main idea, was that i’d recreate the research of the first anthropologist. Sort of a peer review, what did he get right, what did he get wrong. So i’m recreating “Argonauts of the Western Pacific” By Malinowski.

There were others before him, some old english blokes called Taylor and Frazer. Some people even say this Greek fella Herodetus was the first. But Malinowski was the first one to get the travel bit down. Before him most of these guys relied on reports they got from colonial officers or missionaries or even worse amateurs, usually wealthy people, running around writing nonsense.

Nowadays we’d call Taylor or Fraser armchair anthropologists. Taking the observations done by others and theorising about it. AKA philosophers, am I right?

Not a joke fan, noted.

Malinowski thought that the studies done before him were theoretically strong but the data unscientifically gathered. To successfully study the “other” you had to go and live with them see the world through their eyes. If you lived with them and participated in their community you could make objective observations about how their society worked. He said this becoming native was key and to achieve it you have to stay in the field for at least a year.

So the problem of early anthropology was people not leaving their desks to collect data, and the problem of modern anthropology is people leaving for the desk and forgetting the field. I thought two birds, one stone. I’ll bring the desk to the field.

(Disappointed) Oh. You were wondering about the tweed on a tropical island. Well in scientific study you control the variables right? If I want to see the Trobriand Islands like Malinowski did I need to recreate his experience. He was a posho, and in the photos he wore this weird colonial outfit which I couldn’t find but I figured this would work just as well.

Same deal with my travel route. I flew to Brisbane, not clear how he got there but we will say Brisbane was the starting point. I sailed up the coast from there to Cairns. From there I chartered a boat to Papua New Guinea. I’m not really a big boat guy and it was a lot longer than I expected so I was sick most of the way. But good news, so was Malinowski so we’ll count that as scientific accuracy.

We arrived pretty late at Port Moresby, the capital of Papua New Guinea. Malinowski doesn’t describe it but to be honest, I was a bit disappointed. It’s a massive city. I was sort of hoping to be far flung you know, cut off from civilisation the way Malinowski says you should be. I knew this was a risk though, in the intro to Argonauts Malinowski mentions that even back then in 1915 Native communities were melting away.

I tried to put my disappointment aside. After all, this wasn’t my final destination. And hey look at this, pretty cut off right? I took a car the following morning down the coast to Deba, I know that’s not how he would have done it but I couldn’t find a boat willing to take my desk. At Deba, I managed to bribe my way onto a fishing boat. Now here I am.

I know it’s not really the Trobriand Islands. But Malinowski hung around here and Moresby for a while and with the desk this is as far as I can get. I have now, in the words of Malinowski “spread my nets in the correct place” now it’s time to wait and see what falls into them.

Waves washing on the shore. Drag this out 10-15 seconds, see how it feels in the edit.

John

Seems like no-one coming. So Let’s go over some theory in the mean time. Don’t whine we’ll keep it light. You can paddle while I talk it’s mostly for my notes anyway.

Sound of someone paddling in sea

Malinowski was a functionalist, which means he thought all our social behaviour is an extension of our physical needs. He argued that thinking about it this way you could understand any behaviour, however strange, by understanding what need it filled.

Example, magic, weird right? Malinowski said no. It’s a response to emotional distress. When something bad happens that you can’t explain it’s comforting to fill that void of understanding, with Magic. Malinowski says that’s why magic persists in modern society. Like when you have a shit month and say it’s because mercury is in retrograde, it’s comforting even if you don’t fully believe it.

But this doesn’t just happen after the fact, participating in magic can make us feel like we’re in control of the future, which is strange and scary. That’s like saying “Next month Mercury is in retrograde get the incense ready.”

Remember that guy Frazer I talked about earlier? This is basically his theory of magic and religion. He said people realise they aren’t powerful enough to control nature so they ask higher powers to help. Malinowski loved Frazer, total fan boy, used to carry his book around, so it’s not surprising he borrows a lot of his ideas.

That other guy, Taylor, he would say we’ve advanced as a society beyond the need for magic. Through industrialisation we can control nature. Any magical belief left over in society was a “survival.” It used to serve a useful function in society but now it doesn’t, it’s just a silly ornament that we should throw out. Imagine a twitter atheist bro, “uhh horoscopes are stupid, haven’t you heard of this thing called science.”

Malinowski, not so much a fan of Taylor. He said no Taylor you dummy, society is functional. How can there be a social behaviour that doesn’t have a function. Doesn’t make sense. He said the function probably just changed to serve a different purpose.

Despite that little spat, they all basically agreed in an evolutionary perspective. That less advanced societies are what our society looked like in the past. By studying other people maybe it can help us understand the weird things we do now.

So i’m here to take an objective look at Malinowski’s objective look. A hundred years ago he was on the Trobriand Islands, so now they should look like the UK did in 1920. I suppose that big city at Port Moresby was a good sign they were right.

Oh shit, I’m actually late to teach my tutorial. Just gunna Skype in. In the mean time i’ll leave you with a recording of a passage from “Argonauts of the Western Pacific.”

Waves washing on shore maybe ten seconds

“The goal is, briefly, to grasp the native’s point of view, his relation to life, to realise his vision of his world. We have to study man, and we must study what concerns him most intimately, that is, the hold which life has on him. In each culture, the values are slightly different; people aspire after different aims, follow different impulses, yearn after a different form of happiness. In each culture, we find different institutions in which man pursues his life-interest, different customs by which he satisfies his aspirations, different codes of law and morality which reward his virtues or punish his defections. To study the institutions, customs, and codes without understanding the desires and feelings of these people is, in my opinion, to miss the greatest reward which we can hope to obtain from the study of man.

These generalities the reader will find illustrated in the following chapters. We shall see there the savage striving to satisfy certain aspirations, to attain his type of value, to follow his line of social ambition. We shall see him led on to perilous and difficult enterprises by a tradition of magical and heroical exploits, shall see him following the lure of his own romance. Perhaps as we read the account of these remote customs there may emerge a feeling of solidarity with the endeavours and ambitions of these natives. Perhaps man’s mentality will be revealed to us, and brought near, along some lines which we never have followed before. Perhaps through realising human nature in a shape very distant and foreign to us, we shall have some light shed on our own. In this, and in this case only, we shall be justified in feeling that it has been worth our while to understand these natives, their institutions and customs.”

Waves washing on shore for maybe ten seconds

John

Well…that was… an interesting tutorial. In the end we talked a lot about Malinowski’s diaries rather than argonauts. They were published in 1967, a while after he died. In part probably to protect his reputation, as it turns out. To be honest, I hadn’t read them in depth. But my students said they show he was kind of a racist. More like he was a racist, throughout. He curses the Trobriand Islanders, calls them lazy and stupid. Also it seems like all through his research he was bribing the islanders with tobacco to include him, and dance, or do magic. It all comes across… unscientific.

But I said to them, this is just his diary, his private thoughts. I’m sure, when he went to the field he was able to set his personal prejudice to the side and carry out good research.

They didn’t agree. First they said, objectivity wasn’t possible because people know their being watched and that changes things. They gave the example

From of a photo from Argonauts of the Western Pacific with the caption “A Ceremonial Act of the Kula." A shell necklace is being offered to a Trobriand chief. Behind the guy presenting the necklace is a row of six bowing boys, one of them sounding a conch. All the figures stand in profile, their attention apparently concentrated on the rite of exchange. But if you look again, you see one of the bowing Trobrianders is looking at the camera.

To be honest when you look at the other pictures, Malinowski does look awkwardly out of place. Hardly, a member of the community. And Malinowski definitely skewed the results with the bribes.  

Sorry, the tide is coming in and the waves are now washing onto my brogues. Would you mind helping me shift the desk a bit further up the beach.

General awkward moving the desk sounds.

Sorry where was I? Right, secondly, they said Malinowski was wrong. Those colonial officers and missionaries, it wasn’t that they couldn’t be objective because they weren’t scientists. But because nobody is objective, we’ve all got baggage, things that have happened to us that make us think a certain way.

He couldn’t just leave his racism in the diary because it effected the way he thought about everything. They said when you claim something is objectively true you’re really making a claim about authority.

Remember, before, how we were talking about the evolutionary stuff. They said that is based on the assumption that European civilisation was the peak of human society and everything else is on the same track to becoming that.

They said that’s what colonialism was, British people going around the world claiming they were the height of civilisation so they should be in charge. By being in charge they’d make them better. They called that “The White Mans Burden.” Not the students, the colonial officers. What Malinowkski’s diary proved was that he was just as prejudiced, just as guilty of this way of thinking. He saw them as savages and backwards, less evolved. and that wasn’t just a private opinion, that formed the basis of his theories.

I said, wasn’t that just cancel culture?

They groaned at that. One of them said really cancelling someone was just challenging the authority of their statements and actions. When Malinowski was “cancelled” it challenged the authority of colonial racism. Even if he only thought in private that the Trobriand Islanders were lesser it still effected how he treated them and described them. The same way it effected British colonial officers descriptions and treatment those they ruled.

That’s why anthropology is suspicious of objectivity, because objectivity is a claim to authority and authority leads to misrepresentation and mistreatment. In other words, arriving as an anthropologist and claiming to be able to see someone else society objectively is like saying “I’m big your small, I’m smart, you’re dumb and there is nothing you can do about it.”

They stumped me a bit at the end there, couldn’t really follow, but I did feel hurt. I said “if that’s all true and I’m replicating his work then how am I different from Malinowski. Am I a racist?” It got a bit awkward after that.

Still, I think there is some merit in what I’m doing. I’m not a racist. So I can asses Malinowski’s work, see the flaws. Societies still advance so, i’ll just see how things have changed, have they become like us? I told them I would carry on and prove I could be objective.

Anyway a lot to think about. [Phone ring]

John

Apparently, the students have complained. And Susan has reminded me that my contract requires I teach the tutorials in person. That this fieldwork was not cleared and that I have not done an ethics form. Further, she reminded me that the department does not subscribe to a teleological perspective. I asked what that meant and she said to do some fucking reading for once.

Still, Malinowski teaches us a lot. Fieldwork is still really important in anthropology, you’ve got to go and talk to people and understand their perspectives. That’s his lasting legacy more than the theoretical work. Plus, I suppose his diary teaches us that we should keep an eye on our assumptions. And remember that no matter what we do, like bring a desk to the field, we always sneak into our work. So maybe we should just be upfront about that.

So - would you mind helping to carry this desk to that village? I need to get back or i’ll get fired.

more desk moving noises

I just realised I never asked what you were doing here.

Really!? that’s disgrace-

Theme

This was notes from the field desk written by me John McGrail.  

This episode references

Clifford, John (1983) On Ethnographic Authority in Representations, No. 2 (Spring, 1983)

Dahl, Roald (1988) Matilda published by Jonathan Cape

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1922) Argonauts of the Western Pacific Routledge

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1948) Magic, Science and Religion Waveland Press

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1967) with introduction by Firth, Raymond (1989) A Diary in the Strict Sense of the Term Stanford University Press

Tylor, Edward Burnett (1871) Primitive Culture published by the Cambridge University Press

Young, Michael W. (2004) Malinowski: Odyssey of an Anthropologist 1884-1920 Yale University Press

The sounds were all taken from Freesound. If you can donate to them you totally should, I would not have been able to make this podcast without it.

The sounds were;

Water Lap by snog https://freesound.org/people/snog/sounds/67031/

Sand slidding out of shovel slowly by XfiXy8 https://freesound.org/people/XfiXy8/sounds/467301/

Tropical Ocean Waves » Mau U Mae Beach Waves by tombenedict https://freesound.org/people/tombenedict/sounds/397594/?page=2#comment

Tropical Island by rich wise https://freesound.org/people/richwise/sounds/451743/

The theme music was dark side of my students, posted by Mia Stodzwiekow created by Tadeusz Maszewski https://freesound.org/people/miastodzwiekow/sounds/341770/

[justimajin]

Swapped

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader 

Genre: Fluff, Comedy, Angst, Crack (a very nice helping of it)

↳ Body Switch AU

Words: 14.5k

Warnings: some fxf and mxm, suggestive undertones here and there, wonderful detailed descriptions of that time of the month (yay!) with mentions of blood, jungkook and y/n just freaking out in general

Summary: Like any other typical girl in existence, you have a crush on someone. He’s tall, dreamy, and kind - in short, he’s perfect for you. But he doesn’t know you exist, well not yet, but you don’t suppose he can’t not notice you if you’re in his best friend’s body.......right?

The silent room is filled with an ear-splitting shrill, bursting the dreamy cloud forming above you with a snap and your hand instantly shoots out. As the room continues to drown in the deafening sound, your fingers search around until they finally land on the familiar button and the room dips back into silence. 

With a loud sigh, you roll out of the cushioned sheets with drooping eyes and a hunched back. Stretching out your arms, you loudly yawn and slowly pad over to the cold bathroom. 

You grab a bar of soap from the side of the sink, lathering it in your hands gently until the foam starts to come out. Already sensing the sheer gross layer of grim against your skin, you decide it’s best to first get rid of it all. Using circular motions, the foamy residue covers your entire face and you can already feel it sucking the exhaustion out of you, your eyes finally getting some life back into them. 

You continue on rubbing it into your skin, glancing up at the mirror to look at yourself until your eyes come to a full stop. 

Had your eyes always been like that? 

You step closer this time, eyes carefully tracing over the reflection when you take in the way your eyes look incredibly innocent, the way your lips are thinned out and more sharpened, and the way you keep finding small dark spots in different places on your face as you swipe more soap across.

….since when did you have features like these? 

“Jungkook-ah!” A voice calls out and you’re left still staring at the blurred reflection, “Hurry up, we’re going to be late for school!” 

Jungkook.

Jungkook...? 

JUNGKOOK?! 

Quickly turning on the tap, you pool water in your hands and hurriedly scrub away all the soap until your entire face has been uncovered. 

You scream. 

Your blown out eyes are stuck on the clear reflection before you, a shaky hand reaching out and touching the side of your cheek. “Jungkook! What’s wrong?!” The voice calls out again and you suck in a breath. 

“NOTHING!” You quickly shut the bathroom door behind you and stare at your hands, now long and slender. 

What on earth happened to you?!? 

Turning to the mirror, you attempt to calm down your racing heartbeat and harsh gasps, not being able to believe what your eyes were seeing. 

Because on the other side of the mirror is the image of a guy. 

He’s got the same strange features you were just looking at moments ago - doe eyes, pursued lips, a mole underneath his bottom lip - but now you notice the long wavy black hair and the collection of earrings looped in his ear lobes, as well as the fact that he’s ridiculously tall with a lean build. 

He’s actually pretty cute…

You immediately stop, scrunching your eyes shut and attempt to think about what the hell was actually going on. 

You had just woken up and now you’re a guy?! 

Maybe you’re just dreaming, maybe you’ll wake up soon and this will poof away like a cloud.

But nothing happens when you persistently pinch your foreign arm over and over again. 

You take a deep breath and carefully open the door of the bathroom, glancing back to look at your reflection once more with the hopes that your face would somehow morph back to normal. Much to your own dismay, it stays the same and you look away with defeated eyes. Stepping outside, it finally dawns on you that the room you were sleeping in isn’t even your own in the first place and that there was truly no possible way you could escape from this nightmare now. 

It’s a lot darker than your own room, with darker tones of grey and blue being the central theme and only simple things like a bed, a closet and a desk being around. There’s an abundance of camera film’s on the desk and some music recording equipment set to the side, but everything around you is so neatly organized that it feels unnerving to even touch any of it.

Carefully sitting down on the bed, you take another deep breath and try to calm the loud thudding inside your chest when the room only seems to look even more different the longer you stare at it. Suddenly a loud bang comes from your right and you jolt, wide eyes following the source of the sound. 

“Yah! You’re not even dressed yet?!” The man staring back at you is incredibly handsome with broad shoulders and large eyes. He places a hand on his hip and raises a brow at you, causing you to sprout out any form of an apology. 

“I-I’m sorry, I’ll get dressed...soon…” A hand instantly reaches up and touches the base of your throat, eyes widening as to why it feels like your voice was going to hit the deepest octave. 

“Just hurry up JK. I’m the one driving you, remember?” He waves a pair of keys in his hand and you stiffly laugh while nodding, but the man’s eyes narrow, “Everything ok?” 

You nod, really not wanting to trust your low voice and he smiles before leaving. You let out a deep exhale and bury your face within your slender hands, feeling the roughness in them against your forehead. Parting from your hands, you merely stare and rotate them around, noticing how the slim hands felt like they were your own, but belonged to someone else entirely. 

A thought suddenly arises in you. 

This feels like it’s you, but it isn’t your body. 

And If you were here, in this body, then where was your body?

You had to be somewhere, right?

You glance around to no avail and then realize you’re still in the same room by yourself, but then you recall how you’re supposed to be heading off to school soon. 

School?

Is it possible for you to be there? 

With a sigh, you hurriedly get up and dart your eyes around until they find his closet. Looking down at yourself, you’re clad in a typical white t-shirt and black sweats, so you open up his closet in hopes of finding something else to wear. 

It’s ridiculously organized, just like his room, but what draws all your attention is how he has multiple white t-shirts and black sweats lined up. 

Wow...You think to yourself with an amused tone, He has such unique style…

With a sigh, you look over to the right end of the closet to discover some of his hoodies and quickly grab a black one, tugging on yourself and then shrugging at the rest of the attire you’re wearing. 

You just need to find your body right now. 

***

The car ride to school is uncomfortably quiet. 

It’s stiffening to be inside a vehicle you can’t recognize, sitting next to someone who you met just this morning and being stuck inside a vessel you didn’t ask to be stuck in. 

So you stare absentmindedly out the window, mind sinking deeper and deeper in thought. 

“Jungkook?” 

“H-Huh?” The reaction is too delayed and for a moment, you wish someone would just say your own name. 

“You’ve been awfully silent. You sure everything’s okay?” 

“U-Uh yeah….” You bite your bottom lip, eyes wavering, “Actually, there is a problem.” 

“There is? What?” The man doesn’t glance away from the road but you can see him furrowing his brows. 

“I don’t understand why you’re driving me to school…” It’s a little weird for you, finding this person and them being so kind to you despite having woken up like this, so you pray that you can somehow extract some answers of who you even are. 

He chuckles, “Why wouldn’t I? You’re my younger brother Jungkook.” 

Oh. 

So that’s his relationship with ‘Jungkook’. 

“Right...Hyung?” You glance back at him, testing the waters even furthur. 

“Hey, that’s Jin Hyung for you.” He points a demanding finger at you and you nod. The car suddenly halts and from outside the window, you can see the large expanse of your high school in view, “Alright, time to get off. I need to head over to work now.” 

You nod, sliding off your seat and opening the car door. Jin smiles and waves at you before leaving and you turn around to head into the school, trying to keep everything level headed as you go in. 

***

It’s excruciatingly confusing. 

It’s the same school you go to - the same hallways and the same atmosphere, but you almost feel like a puppy searching for its lost owner. 

Your body is nowhere in sight among all the faces you see and you sigh, attempting to look around for your supposed locker. It dawns on you that you have no clue where this guy has his locker as well as the classes he has, which only spurs up more confusion from inside you and you remain defeated in the middle of the hallway.

“JUNGKOOOOOOOOOOOK!” 

A voice practically yells across the hallway and you jolt when you hear heavy footsteps narrowing down onto you. Suddenly you’re being hurled and suffocated against a shorter body as he wraps his arms around you, knocking the air out of your lungs completely. “What are you doing walking around by yourself?!” 

The boy looks around your age, black hair paired with hoops in his own ears, but he’s considerably shorter than you. “I-I...uh….” You wince when you’re still not used to Jungkook’s voice, the words coming out of your throat feeling like they were coming out from the pit of the ocean. 

“I think you scared him Jimin!” Another unfamiliar voice laughs at the display and this time it belongs to a orange-haired boy with a huge smile on his face, a sunny disposition accompanying him.

“But Jungkook loves getting hugs from me!” ‘Jimin’ clings onto you and though you find it to be sweet for a split second, he soon starts to feel like dead weight hanging off your shoulders. 

Gently talking his hands off of you, you step away. “Hugs that only last less than two minutes.” Your voice croaks in between, so you quickly cough to make it sound more natural. 

Jimin pouts at you and you glance around, trying to take in some information of the type of people he was surrounded with. 

It’s then a deep voice you hadn’t expected at all speaks up, leaving you frazzled, “There you guys are! I’ve been looking all over for you!” 

“Yah Taehyung, learn to keep up with us!” Hoseok exclaims as Taehyung jogs over to you with a grin. 

“Hey we found Jungkook!” He affectionately pats you on the back and your heartbeat immediately sky-rockets, the skin on your cheeks tinged with a faint pink hue.

“Let’s get to class now! I don’t want to be late like last time!” Jimin exclaims and you all follow behind him. Since you don’t really know where you’re supposed to be going in the first place, you also trail behind them, covering your face entirely with a deep sigh when Taehyung loops an arm around you. 

***

After a surprisingly interesting art class, the bell rings and the ‘friends’ beside you all immediately groan. 

“Finally! I was so close to falling asleep.” Jimin exasperatedly says, turning around to face your desk and then tracing faint lines into the cracks of the wood. 

Hoseok sighs, “At least you guys don’t have math after lunch. That class is literal hell.” 

“Who was it with again? Mr. Lee?” Taehyung questions from beside you, already pulling out and snacking on some onions from his pocket. 

Hoseok turns around, an expression drained of colour from his features, “Mr. Kim.” 

Immediately Jimin and Taehyung hiss like they’ve been burned, looking at their friend with eyes of pity. You however can’t seem to react, too submerged in trying to think what class your body could possibly be found in. 

Jimin pokes the side of your arm, “Hey Kook what happened? You’re so quiet today.” 

All eyes turn to look at you and you shake your head, “It’s nothing.” 

Suddenly someone comes into your sight of vision and your eyes instantly widen. Her long black hair, her charming eyes and her sweet smile only fill your eyes with some much needed hope and before you even know it, you’re soon getting up and rushing over to her with a mumbled ‘I’ll be back’. 

You hastily call out her name before she leaves the room, “Jieun!” 

She turns around, looking at you with large eyes and a huge grin is instantly plastered onto your features. However, she simply continues to stare and the sudden weight of your situation falls onto you. “Yes Jungkook?” 

Shoot. 

You’re Jungkook right now. 

“O-Oh...uh…” You quickly wrack your mind for some words. Although you can’t sit down and talk to her like you usually do, you try to use the opportunity for some personal benefit. “Do you happen to know where Y/N is?” 

“Oh Y/N?” Her eyes instantly sparkle at mention of you and you smile at that, “She was at the cafeteria the last time I saw her. She hasn’t been feeling too well though.” 

A short laugh escapes you. 

You know exactly why she isn’t feeling well. 

“Thanks. Also, congrats on getting first place at the fall music competition, you deserve it.” 

She nods at that, but can’t seem to formulate how you could have possibly known she had won. Falling underneath the impression that a word of mouth must have gotten around somehow, she merely shrugs at the thought and leaves to go to her next class.

You turn to go back to your friends, “Really dude? You got a chance to talk to Jieun and you ask her about Y/N?” 

Hoseok shakes his head at you and you raise an eyebrow, “What’s wrong with asking about Y/N?” 

Jimin scoffs and Taehyung muffles his laugh, causing you to dart your eyes around, “Seriously. What’s wrong with it?” 

Hoseok turns to you with a smug look, “Why are you suddenly interested in Y/N now?” 

“I’m no-” You pause, sighing when you realize where they were leading this conversation. “Think what you want. Let’s just go to the cafeteria already, I’m hungry.”

***

The cafeteria is extremely crowded and loud, a large handful of students mixing in with different years and attempting to find their friends. 

“Has anyone seen Namjoon and Yoongi by the way?” Hoseok questions, searching around. 

“Namjoon’s been busy with his student council stuff so he probably won’t join us. And Yoongi…” Jimin looks around, spotting the familiar black haired head planted against the table with closed eyes. “Is right there.” 

They all collectively laugh but you don’t participate, aimlessly follow along with the guys as your eyes are carefully tracing over every single face. 

Taking a seat with them, they start talking about video games and their voices drown out when you look into the huge crowd. 

Jieun said you would be here. 

Sowhere are you? 

Suddenly a loud clatter is heard in the corner and many eyes including your own follow it, “Hey! Watch it, will you?!”

Your eyes widen. 

That voice.

“I’ll be right back guys.” You quickly mumble out, not missing the weird looks they all give you when you’re quickly running over to the corner. 

There’s a very familiar backpack’s contents spilt over the floor and you rush to pick them up, a faint smile on your lips as you do. “Oh thanks for the help. I-” 

The familiar eyes look up to see you, instantly enlarging when you smile back.

“Holy. actual. shit.” 

He reaches out, poking your face to see if you were real and you shake your head, “Yeah, I know. Come on.” 

Grabbing his backpack, you quickly latch onto his wrist and drag him with you, outside where the many eyes can’t spot you. 

“I-” You begin, stopping when you take in what he was wearing. 

Correction. What you were wearing.

Your hair is a mess - not looking like he even had the common sense to comb it out before coming to school and leaving it in the array of tangles it was in. It’s paired with a tight old skirt that should have gone to the laundry ages ago as well as a ruffled white shirt, littered with small stains. You’re also wearing zero make-up, the dark circles underneath your eyes practically screaming out to you that you were indeed going to be a zombie today. 

“What the hell is all this?!” You tug at his shirt and examine it closer. 

He pushes your grabbing hands off of him, “It’s what your room had to offer. Do you even know how unorganized and messy that place is??”

“And this?” You tug on a strand of hair, “You didn’t know how to fix this?!” 

“I would have if I found a comb in all that mess!” His eyes dart over to your torso, “Is that my good hoodie??” 

You unzip it, “Yeah, with the same white t-shirt and black sweats you own.” 

“You didn’t change?” 

“You’re right. I should have just put on another pair of white shirts and black sweats.” You retort and he glares at you, but then shakes his head. 

“Okay, okay, forget the clothes.” He points back and forth between your bodies, “This is more of an issue.” 

“Yeah, no kidding.” You sigh, “How did this even happen?” 

“I don’t even know. I just woke up this morning and I was you.” 

“I can see that. So is there a way we can switch back?” 

Jungkook frowns, “There should be. I’m guessing it has to do with how we switched in the first place.” 

An unamused expression surfaces on you, “Geez I would have never thought of that.” 

“That’s all I could figure out about this! I don’t suppose you know how to switch back?” 

You grow silent and then sigh, “So in other words, until we can figure out how we switched…” Jungkook looks down at his hands. 

“We’re stuck.” 

Both of you stare at each other for a moment, taking into account that you’ll be in each other’s bodies during the current inevitable duration of time. 

“Here.” You speak up, grabbing your backpack, “Switch our stuff together. Phones, wallets, etc. Whatever we need from each other.” 

He nods and soon you’re sitting in the hallway against the lockers, swapping everything that was important, “Here’s your wallet.” 

You reach out for him to hand it over to you, but he pauses, staring at it. 

“What?” 

There’s a tinge of hope in his eyes, “You’re friends with Lee Jieun?” 

“Best friends but yeah, I am.” 

“Oh.” 

You tilt your head at that and then suddenly he’s biting his bottom lip, hands uncomfortably shifting. Your eyes immediately widen, knowing the exact reason why your body would give off such a reaction. 

“Do you...like Jieun?” 

His eyes instantly enlarge, shaking his head rapidly, “W-What? No, no, of course not.” 

A faint smile is on your lips, “And you just had to be friends with Taehyung…” 

He furrows his brows, looking over to you before something sparks in them. 

“You’re friends with my crush and I’m friends with your crush…” He whispers, staring at you in awe before you see the light of what he was trying to imply. 

“And now that we’re stuck in each other’s bodies…” 

“We would technically be friends with our crushes.” He completes, exciting bubbling inside of him. 

The air between you goes silent. 

“No.” You shake your head, “Not a good idea.” 

“What? Why not?” He sits up on his knees, adjusting his skirt, “Come on Y/N, it’s our golden chance.” 

“Our golden chance at ruining two friendships.” 

“Not if we can understand our crushes in the meantime.” He inches closer to you, “Look, we just have to be careful, not trespass any lines and we can spend some decent time with them. It’ll be harmless!” 

“Besides, we are stuck like this, so why not make the most out of it?” 

You raise your head, staring at him for a moment. 

You sigh, “No trespassing lines?” 

Jungkook eagerly nods, still looking to you for an answer, “Fine.” 

“Yes!” He immediately pulls his fist back and you smile when it’s your typical ‘It’s a score!” pose.

“But for the time being, we really need to fix this right now.” You point at your messed up appearances and he laughs before nodding. 

***

He looks at you suspiciously, darting eyes back and forth, “So this is Y/N?” 

You immediately nod and Jin narrows down his eyes, looking at Jungkook briefly and then staring at you, “And she’s here because…?” 

“We’re just going to hang out!” You quickly replay, “I-In my room…” 

Jungkook glances at you with a ‘really?’ look before Jin sighs, “Alright, but leave the door open.” 

You and Jungkook look to each other with excitement and Jungkook even has the urge to hug his brother, but he immediately restrains himself when he notices the frilly skirt he’s currently wearing. 

Heading over to Jungkook’s room, you don’t shut the door but leave it half-open, just enough to give you two some of your own privacy. “Y/N.” 

You slowly turn around, not having heard your own name in so long. Jungkook hands you the bag you had told him to grab from your house and it’s stuffed with contents that would surely help with his current situation. 

The very first thing you take out is a comb. 

You gesture for him to sit on the bed as you wave it through his disarranged hair and make it much more appealing. Once you’re done, you had him the comb. “Keep this with you, it’ll help you with getting your hair done in the morning.” 

After that, you take out the abundance of clothes you had asked for. “These are my clean clothes. They’re always on the left side of my closet.” 

You toss him a checkered skirt and white tank top, “What you grabbed was from my laundry pile.” 

He frowns, “Your room was such a mess, I couldn’t even figure out where anything even was.” You roll your eyes at that and he absurdly looks at the clothes you’ve given him, “Do you even own any pants? Or a bigger shirt?” 

“Those belong to the majority of clothes I just washed. If I have to stick to guy clothes, you can get used to my girl clothes.”

With a huff, he begins to take his shirt off, “Um...could you look the other way?” 

You plant your palm into the side of your face, watching him from your spot on his bed, “Why? It’s my body.” 

Jungkook sighs and rips the shirt off, causing you to toss it behind you, “Don’t throw it back there!” He immediately scolds, picking it up and placing it on the bed. You snicker at that and he glares at you. 

“So uh...is this...a bra?” He hesitantly points to his chest, trying his hardest not to stare too much. 

“Congrats, you’ve just figured out how the entire female population keeps their boobs together.” 

“I know what it is!” He looks away from you with bright cheeks and you smile. 

“Then why are you asking?” 

“It feels weird. This,” He gestures to himself and groans, “I just want my body back.” 

“Believe me so do I.” You slide off the bed, walking over to his back and tugging at the bra, “You can unclasp it from here if you need to.” 

“D-Don’t do that.” 

“Do what?” You laugh, poking the clasp, “This?” 

“Stop it Y/N!” He hisses and you cover your mouth, trying to muffle your laughter. 

“You really need to start getting comfortable being a girl. And put this on already.” You hand him the tank top and he grabs it from your hands in annoyance, slipping it on. 

“Cool. Now take off your skirt and put this one on.” He nods, snatching it away from you and kicking the skirt he’s wearing off first. After struggling for a minute or so with the skirt, he pulls it on properly and then hums in satisfaction.

“This one’s a lot more comfortable.” 

You snicker, “Yeah, because you chose one of my tightest skirts to wear.” You reach over to adjust his clothes so they don’t look ruffled up, “Look in the mirror. You look ten times better.” 

He glances at himself, posing by putting his hands on his hips and looking impressed with your work, “I do look much better.” 

“Exactly, now,” You turn him to face you, “Fix me up.” 

He laughs and then turns to his closet, “You’ll need to take that hoodie off.” 

You nod, unzipping it and throwing it off to some corner. Jungkook immediately catches it before it can land on the floor and glares at you, moving to rummage through his closet for clothes. You plop down onto the bed, patiently waiting until your eyes wander over to your white shirt. Staring down at it, you lift the collar of the shirt out of curiosity and your mouth hangs wide open. 

“WOAH.” 

Jungkook jolts at the sound of your voice and you turn to him with wide eyes, “You didn’t tell me you were this ripped!!” 

You attempt to move forward and backward, noticing that the muscles of your abdomen contract in such a way to form abs and you’re left in shock, “Woah.”

“Hey, hey!” He takes your hands away from his collar, “Stop staring at my abs! I didn’t peek so that means you don’t peek either.” 

“But you have abs instead of boobs….” You pout and Jungkook snickers. 

“Trust me, I like it the other way around too.” He smirks for a split second and your jaw drops down to which he laughs at. 

You shake your head, getting up and walking over to where he’s standing, “Do you work out or something?” 

He nods, “I like working out whenever I have time, it’s better than sitting in one spot all day long.” 

You hum and he hands you a pair of jeans alongside a black turtleneck and jacket, “These should be something different for you to wear.” 

You smile and stand in front of him, squeezing your eyes shut. 

“Do you want to do the honours?” 

He playfully smiles at you and takes the shirt off, placing it carefully onto the bed. As he winds his fingers through the turtleneck, you aim your eyes over to where you recall his mirror being and slightly open one of your eyes. 

A finger is flicked at your forehead. “I told you not to peek!” 

You giggle at that, “It’s your fault for being attractive.” 

He lowers his voice, “Oh? I’m attractive?” 

You feel the cotton of the shirt slide over your torso and you scrunch up your nose, “I don’t know, might just be the fact that I’m stuck in this body.” 

“Well, if that’s the case, then you’re really pretty yourself.” 

Your eyes instantly open at the that and he flicks your forehead, “No peeking!” 

“I’m not peeking if I’m looking at my own face!” 

He scoffs at that and then looks at your pants, “Did you really wear my pajama sweats to school?” 

“What’s the difference? You own like twenty of them.”

“There is a difference.” He sighs, “Just take them off already.” 

You nod, kicking them off and Jungkook takes them again, handing you the pair of jeans he pulled out. As you slide them on, you hear a small clink, “Are you holding a belt?” 

He hums, looping it around your waist before bulking it up, “It’s more comfortable to wear it this way.”

Suddenly you jerk forward, eyes widening at the sudden burst of pressure below your abdomen and you let out a gasp, “I-I can buckle it.” 

Jungkook snickers when you quickly work your shaky hands, “If I need to get used to being a girl, then you definitely need to get used to being a guy.”

You let out a low exhale, “C-Can I open up my eyes now?” 

“Go ahead.” 

You face the mirror when you open your lids and your eyes are in pure awe, taken aback when you see your new clothes. You look considerably better in comparison to the pajama set you were wearing beforehand as well the clothes fitting your form much better. “I’m setting these clothes aside for you so please don’t wear my pajamas to school.” 

He stretches the words out slowly and you roll your eyes. He suddenly steps closer to you, raising your chin with the tips of his fingers, “What the….?” 

“What is it?” 

“Y/N…” He whispers, inches away from you, “YOU DIDN’T SHAVE?!” 

You blink, “I didn’t what now?” 

“Shave Y/N! You have stubble growing!” He exasperatedly sighs, shoving a mirror your way before walking into his bathroom. You look at your own reflection, narrowing in on the small fine hairs peeking out from your chin and you scoff. 

“You can barely see them!” 

“Doesn’t matter.” He sits you down on the bed and takes out his supply, all organized just anything he owns and he’s soon applying the foam to your chin. 

“You know, you don’t have to keep yourself so maintained all the time.” You point to your flawless hair, seemingly looking like it had been freshly cut just days away. 

“I like being maintained. Looking clean and decent is a part of me and it’s now a part of you.” 

You sigh and he carefully slides the blade against your skin, causing you to wince when it cuts too deep, “Sorry, just bare with me for a second.” 

He quickly finished it up and then hands you the mirror, “Now look.” 

You hum in content, feeling the smooth skin with the tip of your fingers, “So you just use the foamy stuff and the razor?” 

Jungkook nods, “That’s all there is to it.” 

You nod, looking fascinated with the products and Jungkook shakes his head with a smile. 

“Should we get going now that we look presentable?” Jungkook laughs at that, before nodding. 

“Operation get closer to our crushes by acting like each other offically begins.” 

***

“Remember what I told you, no ruining my reputation with the guys and no getting physical with Taehyung. You just hang out with him and see if he likes you too.” Jungkook explains, walking alongside you and occasionally fixing up his skirt as he goes.

“Same goes for you, I don’t want Jieun to be creeped out by this.” You gesture to all of him and he frowns. 

“You just gestured to your own body!” 

“I was referring to the person inside the body!” 

Jungkook sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose and then glancing at you, “Can you stop walking like that already?” 

You abruptly stop, “What?”

He places his hands on your shoulders, straightening them up, “Stand taller, you’re slouching way too much.” He fixes his own shoulders in front of you, “Chest out, shoulders back.” 

“Chest out? But that just looks weir-” You immediately touch your torso and the realization sinks in, “Oh right.” 

You do as he instructs and he hums, “Much better. If you keep at it, you’ll soon have girls falling at your feet.”

You laugh at that, “Are you being serious with me?”

Jungkook nods, “You’d be surprised, apparently I’m quite attractive.” He smirks at you and you roll your eyes, swiftly hosting him up into your arms with a playful smile. 

“Does that mean I’m the man of your dreams?” You say in a smooth velvety voice and Jungkook looks like he’s about to throw up. 

“Alright first off, ew, and second off, if the man of my dreams is going to be me then I’ll take it any day.” 

You scrunch up your features and let him go, noticing how easy it was to lift it when you place a hand on your bicep, “Why are you ridiculously strong?” You wince when the velvet voice hasn’t left and touch your throat, “And sound like a trombone.” 

Jungkook glares at you, “At least you’re not being forced to wear this.” He points to his frilly skirt. 

“But you look so cute in that!” You protest, knowing it was one of your best outfit combos. You smile at him, “I’d so take you out to someplace nice.” 

Jungkook goes pale and then groans, “Please stop saying shit like that using my voice.” 

“Someplace nice…” 

“Y/N, stop.” 

“Nice~” 

“Y/N!” 

You burst out laughing, holding on to your stomach, “You’re so easy to make fun of.” 

Jungkook frowns at that, but he’s soon reaching out and tugging on your sleeve. 

“We’re here.” 

You glance at the school building in front of you, “So this is where we part ways, huh?” 

Jungkook nods, “You have my number saved and I have yours, so we can find each other in case we need help.” 

You hum, entering the building with him and then spotting his group of friends. Waving back to him when he walks over to Jieun, you head over to them and smile. “Hey Jungkook’s here!” 

Hoseok swoops in and gives you a high five and Taehyung shuffles over to make room for you to sit down. Your cheeks immediately tint pink at the gesture and you smile at him gratefully. “So Jungkook, we were just talking about Jimin’s girlfriend and their recent disaster of a date.” 

Jimin instantly covers his face at the mention and both Hoseok and Taehyung laugh, “Maybe try not to have sex when she’s on her period?” 

You widen your eyes and Jimin groans, “How was I supposed to know?! I swear, girls are so much more trouble than they’re worth.” 

You frown at that and Hoseok points to you in the midst of laughing, “Look you made Jungkook upset.”

Jimin raises an eyebrow, “Why are you upset? You’re always gushing over Jieun and then suck at when it comes down to talking to her.” 

“Don’t forget the ‘I’m totally not just staring at the ceiling because I can’t make any eye contact with you.’” Hoseok retorts. 

“Or the ‘I’m going to start working out now so that she’ll notice me soon enough.” Jimin mentions and Hoseok bursts out laughing at that, covering his mouth. 

“I remember! Jungkook was so determined, but you’ve made progress haven’t you buddy?” Hoseok pokes your arm and you roll your eyes.

It’s strange how they make fun of him for trying to impress Jieun, but as a girl, you actually think his gestures are pretty sweet. 

Taehyung chuckles, getting up from his seat, “Knock it off guys, give the guy a break. He just wants some love.” He gestures to you with his hand, “Come on, I’m going to head over to the vending machine.”

You nod, smiling as you walk along with him. You try to keep the dazed, dreamy eyed look off your face as you follow, bumping into him accidentally when you reach the machine. “Woah slow down there, Kook. I know you’re crushing on Jieun lately, but don’t forget how to walk because of her!” 

He orders himself a bag of chips, punching the code into the machine and the bag drops down. He then punches in for another bag, pointing for you to choose one and he hands it to you with a smile. “My treat.” 

That’s what you’ve always liked about Taehyung - he was so kind and friendly, making others laugh around him and cheering them up. 

You almost consider yourself lucky to be this close to him. 

“Hey Taehyung?” 

“Yeah?” He turns around to see you behind him, absent-mindingly playing with the wrapper of the bag. 

“There’s this girl.” You look up at him with sincere eyes, “Y/N L/N. Do you know her?” 

Taehyung frowns for a moment, staring at you like he was trying to pull out a handful of memories, “Jieun’s friend, right?” 

You instantly nod, your eyes sparkling, “W-What do you think about her?” 

You’ve asked it. 

You’ve finally gotten it out. 

And Taehyung is nice, he’ll give you a genuine response and he’ll-

“Not my type.” 

You simply stand there frozen as he walks along, happily munching on his chips when your feet feel cemented to the ground. “N-Not your type?” 

He glances back at you curiously, “Yeah, too quiet. She stays glued to Jieun’s side all the time and I dunno,” A look of dismay is on his face, “Doesn’t really look too fun.”

“Oh.” 

Taehyung cocks his head to the side, “Why the glum face though Kook? You look like I’ve just broken your heart.” 

He laughs it off and you try to laugh along with him, but it quickly dies out and fades away. You shake your head, “I was just curious. That’s all.” 

Taehyung nods and turns around again, walking back with you and the small remains of feelings you had for him. 

***

She searches around furiously, checking her pencil case first and then around the pockets of her bag, but she can’t seem to find one at all. 

“Here.” 

Looking up, she sees you smiling at her with a pencil in your hand, “Thanks Y/N.” 

A cherry smile is on her lips, making Jungkook feel like arrows were being shot at his heart and that he was going to melt into a pool of happiness right then and there. 

This body switch was perhaps the best thing that had ever happened to him. 

The class goes on, with Jieun diligently making notes and focusing her eyes on the board but Jungkook can’t concentrate at all at what the teacher was regurgitating, his gaze only swaying away to her and taking in every detail he possibly could with his chance. 

The bell rings and his fantasy bubble pops when he sees Jieun getting up from her seat and turning to him, “Y/N, I have to head over to talk to Mrs. Choi about practice but I’ll catch up with you soon in class!” 

Jungkook nods, a faint smile on his lips when he sees Jieun walk over to the front desk. He gets up with a sigh, feeling like he was on cloud nine until a gush of wind suddenly flies into his direction. 

“Can I talk to you?” 

He recognizes his own voice immediately and sees you standing next to his desk, a dejected look on your face and eyes looking hollow. 

He nods, “Let’s go outside.” 

***

“I want to stop the whole ‘getting close to your crushes’ thing.” 

“What?” Jungkook furrows his brows, looking at you like you were sprouting out some nonsense, “But why?” 

You open your mouth, but then shut it immediately, the same dejected look resurfacing, “It’s too risky, we’ll get caught sooner or later.” 

“Y/N, I explained to you that everything will be fine. It’s only temporary and then things will go back to-” 

“I don’t want to!”

Your voice comes off harsh and Jungkook immediately recognizes it as the one he uses when he becomes defensive. He isn’t sure what exactly happened, but all he knows is that he’s finally gotten a chance with Jieun and he doesn’t want it to slip so easily from his hands. “I’m sorry Y/N but I can’t, I still need to continue this. Just spend some more time with Taehyung.” 

He turns away from you but you grab onto his wrist, having to use a last resort, “Wait. Remember that you’re in my body and that you’re only getting closer to Jieun thanks to me so that doesn’t mean you can just do whatever you want!” 

Jungkook jerks his arm from you, brows painfully furrowing from your sudden outburst until a daunting smirk emerges on his face, “Oh really?” He laughs, “I’m currently in control of this body so I’m pretty sure I can do whatever I want.” 

He dashes away from you with a flare of anger and you left with empty hands, broken eyes losing him from your field of vision, “Jungkook!” 

***

You huff and then plant your hands on your knees, glancing back and forth when you can��t spot the familiar head anywhere around you. You’ve been searching everywhere for him and he seems to be popping up nowhere. 

“I’m done! Let’s go Y/N!” 

The sound of your name being used by your best friend’s voice immediately has your head jerking the other way, finally spotting the body you had been searching for right next to her. Before you even have a chance to go over there and give him a piece of your mind for making you search around for him so much, he sees you and smirks. 

He plants a kiss on Jieun’s cheek. 

Your eyes instantly flare up and Jieun looks startled, eyes glancing over to your body strangely, “What was that for?” She laughs it off - in such a typical Jieun way - but Jungkook doesn’t move his eyes off of you, still smiling. 

He morphs your voice into an eery, high pitched squeal, “You’re so cute Jieun! If I was a boy, I would have married you right on the spot!” 

Your jaw hits the floor this time. 

What is even saying?! Has he forgotten that he’s inside your body right now??

Jungkook is devilishly grinning ear to ear, standing next to Jieun’s uneasy laughing expression as he sends a smirk to you. 

You had assumed you and Jungkook had reached a clear cut compromise, a deal of some sorts of how to handle each other’s bodies without ruining each other’s reputation and trespassing any lines. 

But he’s broken that sacred rule. 

And you’re not going to back away either this time. 

You glance around you, noticing a group of girls cluttered together nearby some lockers and chatting amongst each other. You quickly shrug off your jacket, throwing it onto the floor and smiling when you see Jungkook’s expression fall from his spot next to Jieun. Rolling up your sleeves to showcase just enough of his arms, you mess up your perfect hair and push it back to reveal your forehead. 

You walk up to the girls. 

You had realized it sooner than later but Jungkook is ridiculously attractive. Although he was joking with you, you had whole-heartedly believed him that if you kept up with your stature, girls would surely be falling down at your feet. “Hey there ladies.” 

The girls look unamused at first, but then they stare up at your charming expression and soon all of them go silent, “Which one of you would like to come to my place tonight?” You use the exact velvety voice you know Jungkook gets irritated by and your plan goes along successfully when you see him fuming next to a surprised Jieun. 

Mission accomplished. 

The girls look like they’ve been tranced, staring at you like you were some type of greek god. You decide you’ve had enough - teaching Jungkook that if he was going to do whatever he wanted, then so could you - but you speak too soon on the matter.

Blood splatters all over the ground. 

You’re immediately startled, heart racing at the sudden red residue exploding out from the girls nose’s as they continue to stare at you and soon they’re passing out onto the ground before you. 

You panic. 

You’re not sure if you should call someone for help for a sheer load of girls passing out with nosebleeds on the ground, but you realize that call would be too soon when you meet eyes with someone passing by the hallway. 

She passes out immediately with a nosebleed. 

It keeps going on and on, every girl that walks past you faint and adds to the collection of blood on the ground and you can’t seem to leave because of them. 

The realization hits you. 

Jungkook. is. too. damn. powerful. 

It seems to be a fact that he knows way too well, because your frantic eyes eventually meet Jungkook’s, whose muffling his laughter with his hand. Your eyes twitches when you see him like that and before multitude of nice words are prepared to escapes from you, the girl to his right speaks up, “Jungkook what are you doing?” 

Jungkook freezes when he realizes that Jieun is currently seeing all this happen before her eyes and she shakes her head in disapproval. He immediately frowns hearing that and you snicker, knowing that your plan did backfire but work out in some great ways. 

***

“Have you had enough already?” 

You scowl at him, wondering why he was being so uptight about something like this to the point of dragging you outside, “You’re the one that started it.” 

Jungkook frowns, “I just wanted some more time with Jieun Y/N!” He shakes his head, “You need to stop this already.”

“I’m not going to stop. As long as I’m in your body, I’m pretty sure I can do whatever I want!” You project the same words he once used with you and his eye twitches at the sound of it. 

He points a finger at you, “If you don’t stop, then…” It falters and he looks unsure for a second until he snaps back in, “then I’ll do something even worse in your body!” 

You scoff, “Yeah, right.” 

Jungkook clenches his fist at that when you wave him off and soon his eyes are darting around the field, looking for the one specific person that would drive you nuts. 

You turn and he’s suddenly marching away, determination fueled when his lips instantly collide with someone else’s and you’re mortified when the other person’s face comes into view. 

Taehyung hurriedly pushes him away and covers his mouth, “Y/N?” 

Jungkook smiles in triumph, enacting the perfect revenge recipe and looking to you for approval. However, you’re not at all concerned with what he’s done. “Take that for embarrassing me in front of Jieun! Now you can’t even look Taehyung in the eyes anymore!” 

You’re stifling back your laughter, looking back with a grin. “Right, right, that’s the reason you just went over there and kissed your own best friend.” 

“Yeah! That’s exactly….why...I...” Jungkook stops, looking like a deer caught in headlights, “Oh my god. I-I...just...k-kissed...” 

A dark stormy cloud brews over him and you’re still snickering at how genius he originally thought his plan was going to be. He can’t even muster up the strength to say Taehyung’s name. “So this was your plan at getting back at me? Hmm, I don’t think it really worked.” 

Jungkook is like a machine, repeating the same words while adding emphasis to ‘kissed’ and ‘friend’ until your words pull him out of it and he’s snapping back at you. “This, this is all your fault!” 

“My fault?” You point to yourself, in disbelief, “You kissed Taehyung.” 

“I wouldn’t have if you just stuck to what we’re first planned!” Jungkook sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose and mumbling under his breath, “I just kissed my best friend…” 

He kneels down and hugs himself, causing you to frown. Seconds pass by and he stays like that much to your dismay, causing you to backtrack and think about his current situation. 

You do suppose you can understand where he’s coming from - before confessing to Taehyung you were stuck in the same fantasy land of being millimetres away from your crush and it’s the same thing Jungkook is experiencing right now. 

Who are you to take that away from him?

“Listen...Jungkook…” You sigh, stuffing your hands in your pockets and squeezing your eyes shut. He peeps up at you with the same look of regret spilt over his face, “Spend time with Jieun. We don’t know how long this is going to last, so spend your remaining time with her.” 

No words come out from him when he simply stares at you for a mere second, eyes narrowing down at whether this was some sort of mirage to set him off his intentions again, but you hold sincerity in your eyes and smile at him, causing him to immediately jump up in joy, “Yes, yes! Thank you so much Y/N!” 

He snatches you up into a hug and although it feels downright bizarre to be hugged by yourself like this, you don’t stop the faint smile that tugs on your lips. 

***

A stiff smile rest on your features when you walk next to Taehyung back to your class, sitting down next to Jimin and Hoseok. They greet you like they would normally and Hoseok even pats you on the back, but somehow you feel far away even though you’re sitting right next to them. 

You find your eyes unconsciously rolling over to Taehyung occasionally, an almost remorseful look constantly resurfacing on you and you shake your head at that. 

He was just a crush Y/N. 

You let out a low sigh, placing your elbows on the desk before you and pretending to be completely absorbed into the conversation. 

“Y-Jungkook?” 

Life returns to your eyes when turn around to see Jungkook, hugging one of his arms as he fists his hand and looking at you expectantly with a strained smile. “Can you…” He tilts his head and you get up from your seat with a frown, realizing the guys around you had a similar expression. 

You nod and follow him out of the classroom, noticing that he was walking extremely slowly and like he was learning to walk for the first time. 

“What is i-” He doesn’t answer you, but instead drags you over to the corner. You want to ask him to let you go and that there wasn’t anyone around listening to you, but Jungkook doesn’t release his strong grip from your shoulder. 

“There’s..uh...a problem. A big problem.” He sounds almost breathless and you frown at that. 

“What? Did something happen with Jieun?”

He shakes his head, “Not with Jieun, but um…” He pauses, “Uh...well..um, see the thing is-” 

“Spit it out Jungkook!” 

“I’m bleeding.” 

You immediately go silent. 

Jungkook looks away from you, tapping his fingers against the side of his arm and biting his bottom lip but you remain there frozen. It finally occurs to you that the symptoms are right on point - flushed skin, the awkward walking, and Jungkook hugging his body as much as he can. 

Like a snap of fingers, everything clicks in, “You’re on your period?” 

Jungkook slightly nods, “Well, technically you are...” His voice comes out hoarse and shaken, making you widen your eyes and place your hands on his shoulders. He instantly looks up and you can see the pure fear dwelling inside his eyes that are only spelling out one word for you.

Help.

You quickly dart your eyes around, noticing that no one was in the hallway and that there was a perfect exit to the girl’s bathroom. 

“Jungkook?” He looks up again at you with scared eyes, “Do you trust me?” 

He nods slightly and squeezes your hand. It’s the only cue you need in that moment as you smile at him. 

“Good.” 

You grab his backpack and hike it over your shoulders before placing your arms under him and swooping him up. Jungkook looks like he’s about to protest but then he winces and the words die away in his throat. 

Barging into the girl’s bathroom, you hurriedly put him down and head for a stall. There’s a couple of girls that are alarmed with your sudden entry, but you pay them no attention when you gesture for Jungkook to get in. 

“I need you to take off your skirt.” 

Jungkook’s eyes widen but you speak up before he says anything, “There’s already a stain on it.”

His eyes flash and he’s soon dragging the skirt down his knees and kicking it off, discarding it like it was revolting to even touch. You unzip the small pocket on the side of your backpack and take out the wonderful packaged material you knew he needed. 

“Woah, woah!” Jungkook places a hand apart from you, “What are those?!” 

You flash him the bright packaging on the products with a shake of your wrist, “They’re called pads and tampons, it’s what girls use for their periods.” 

Jungkook points to the brightly coloured square in your hand, “That’s fine...but that.” He turns to the long tube like shape in your hand. 

“It’s not scary, alright? You just insert it up and then-”

“Woah, woah, woah!” He shifts away from you, “No inserting anything anywhere please.” His hands tremble when you come near him and you sigh, reaching out to hold his hand with a comforting smile. 

“Alright, no inserting. I have to clean you up though.” Jungkook visibly gulps but then nods. You hook a finger underneath the now red soaked pair of undergarments you had on to reveal the mess below and Jungkook instantly reverts his gaze, covering his eyes. 

“Why does it look like a war zone down there?” He raises his voice but it breaks off in the end, like he was trying his best not to cry. You take out a giant package of tissues and attempt to clean up, hooking his legs around your waist to make the job easier to do. 

“It’s normal to bleed this much when you’re on your period.” You huff out, the excess blood cleaning tiring you out already. A thought arises in you and it’s one you really want an answer to from him, “Didn’t you learn any of this in sex ed?” 

Jungkook slightly uncovers his eyes, “What? You mean all the sperm and egg stuff? STDs?” You frowns and start throwing the bloody tissues into the toilet, noticing Jungkook’s gaze on it and then a piercing scream emits from his throat. 

You look up in alarm, “Why are you screaming?!” 

“Am I…” Jungkook gulps, looking like he’s on the verge of passing out, “Am I going to die?”

You pause your cleaning, looking at him with an absurd look, “You are not going to die Jungkook.” You continue cleaning with a sigh, “This is a natural process and part of every girl’s life. Also, congrats, you’re not pregnant.” You reach out a hand for him to shake but then it occurs to you that he was in a very unsettling position - looking like a complete mess with his eyes closed shut and gripping onto your shoulders for dear life. You lower your hand, “Guess it’s too early for a joke.” 

You laugh it off but then Jungkook keeps mumbling with shaken breaths, “I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m goin-” 

You look at him with a raised brow and he’s so, so close to crying in those couple of minutes. You also realize that this position you were in was probably not the most favourable one for someone to walk in and see - a guy in the girls bathroom with a girl’s legs wrapped around his waist. The toilet itself looks horrible, a giant bloody mess that makes you grateful that for once, you weren’t experiencing through your own period. 

Once all the blood is gone and you ensure Jungkook hasn’t nearly passed out through the entire process, you unwrap the soft cotton from its package and place it carefully in a fresh pair of undergarments you had in your bag. Jungkook sighs when you stand up again and he immediately slumps down into your arms, looking utterly exhausted. 

Quietly opening the stall, you do a double take and notice no one is currently in the bathroom, so you carefully hold onto to Jungkook and drag him out as fast as you can. 

***

The fresh breeze of the air outside greets you instead of the humid crampedness of the girl’s bathroom and you stretch out your arms with a smile, “Well that was quite the experience, right Jungkook?” 

You turn around and spot him slowly trailing behind you, eyes glued to the ground and the same dark storm brewing over him, “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

He looks up at you, opening his mouth to say something. However, his bottom lip suddenly quivers and a flood of water rushes out of his eyes as he furiously tries to wipe them, “E-Everything hurts.” 

You widen your eyes, standing next to him with hunched shoulders and empty hands. You thought you had gotten through the worst part of it all, but least you knew, you had just gotten past the start of it. 

After standing there stiffly for a couple of more minutes, you decide to move closer and encase him into a hug. Jungkook’s breath hitches and his shoulder immediately tense up at the action, but then they suddenly relax down, “I-I hate this.” 

“I know.” 

You sit him down on a nearby bench, letting him use you - his own body - as a comforting cushion when the tears continue to spill from his eyes. Aside from occasionally rubbing his shoulder and giving him a tissue, you don’t say anything. 

“S-So girls,” He sniffles, wiping his wet eyes and attempting to look at you, “Girls have to go through this every month?”

It doesn’t sound like an absurd question like the ones he was throwing at you in the bathroom, but rather filled with genuine curiosity about the matter. 

You nod, “Yep.” A small laugh escapes you, “And guys typically make fun of it, calling it clingy and needy when all they really need is just a hug.” 

Jungkook stares at you with wide eyes and you give him a warm smile, “Your hormones are all over the place.” You shrug, “A hug really helps.”

Jungkook continues to stare at you when an idea suddenly sparks inside your mind and your soon dashing for your bag, rummaging through its contents until your hands land onto a pair of dark sweatpants, “Here.” 

Jungkook looks at you confused, “That stained skirt isn’t going to be wearable anymore. This will also be helpful.”

You hand him a giant bag of chocolate bars and he looks at it in disbelief, “What is all this for?” 

“Cravings. You’ll want to eat something sweet within a couple of hours.”

Jungkook stares down at the mini pile in his hands before a soft smile resurfaces on his face and he looks to you, “You’re being so nice to me...after I ruined things between you and Taehyung.” 

He says it very quietly, eyes not meeting yours when you chuckle on the inside. 

“Don’t worry, I still find you as annoying as ever like before.” 

“Annoying?” His eyes suddenly flicker, “Wait…” He looks to you horrified, “You went into the girl’s bathroom…in my body.” 

You stare back at him and then it suddenly clicks in, causing you to double over in laughter. 

“Y/N stop laughing!” Jungkook groans, “Why did you have to go inside as me??” 

“If I didn’t do that, then you would still be freaking out by yourself in the middle of the hallway with blood gushing down your thighs.” 

“I-” He pauses, pouting for a second before sighing, “You’re right. But no more ruining my reputation!” He sticks his hand out, “If you don’t ruin my reputation, I won’t ruin yours.” 

You shake his head, mumbling, “Well that was the original plan, if it weren’t for somebody obsessing over my friend.” 

He glares at you, like he was warning you to not go back on your words and you snicker, “Alright, no more ruining each other’s lives.” 

Jungkook nods, releasing your hand once he was satisfied with your answer. “Also can you please shut your legs already?” 

You point to his man-spreading and he whines, “But what if I want to spread them? This is really comfortable!” He smirks, “I could called be Mr. Spreading Legs.”

You sigh, rolling your eyes, “Well now you’re Mrs. Spreading Legs and no one will ever call you that.” 

“How do you know that? I’m pretty popular with the ladies, you know?” He gets up and dusts off his skirt, walking with you. 

“Oh? Popular?” You scoff, “Says the same guy that had to ask me if he was wearing a bra.” 

“Says the same guy who didn’t even know girls bleed during their periods, says the same guy that-” 

“Okay, okay.” Jungkook sighs, “Let me live a little, will you?” 

The atmosphere goes quiet and no one says a word. 

“So you suddenly want to live now instead of dying?” 

Jungkook lightly punches you on the arm and you burst out laughing, much to his own protests. However, your laughter is contagious and he can’t himself when he’s too joining in with you. 

***

“So what’s the plan now Romeo?” 

You stop right outside of his classroom, in the middle of the hallway. Jungkook thinks for a moment. 

“Spend more time with Jieun and eventually ask her about how she feels towards me.” Jungkook smiles, “I have a good feeling about this Y/N. About her.” 

You warmly smile, “Good luck then.” You point a judgmental finger at him, “And no creeping out my best friend.”

“I wonder how she doesn’t get creeped out by you.” You playfully punch the side of his arm and shake your head as Jungkook giggles. He pauses, looking at you expectantly. 

“What about Taehyung? You’re going to patch things up with him?” He almost looks guilt-stricken for a split second, eyes trailing over to you slowly. 

“U-Uh yeah, I will, no worries.” 

Jungkook nods and walks back to his classroom, waving at you. You wave back and mumble a small ‘good luck’ again, to which he softly smiles at before turning away. The moment he’s out of sight, your hand drops down and you sigh.

Truth be told, you weren’t sure how to tell Jungkook about the whole situation with Taehyung. It could potentially foil all his plans with Jieun, especially when he looks so giddy talking about her all the time. 

And if your romance didn’t work out, then why spoil it for others? 

You turn around with a smile, aimlessly heading back to your room when you suddenly stop in place, brows furrowed. 

Jieun...did like Jungkook, right? 

You look back at his room in a flash, eyes wandering around when the unsettling suspicion only grows larger in you. 

***

“Jieun?”

Her sweet eyes pop up and they make contact with your own. There’s no flash of recognition surfacing in her eyes, no instant reaction like you had hoped - only the same confusion. “Yes Jungkook?” 

“Do you have a minute?” She nods and you sigh, hoping that you end up being wrong. 

“Y/N said...you liked me?” 

Please be wrong, please be wrong, please be wrong. 

Her eyes flash for a moment, but they sink down and pity fill them instead, “She did? Oh, uh,” She shakes her head, baffled, “I’m sorry but I don’t.” 

A bitter smile rests on your lips but Jieun continues, “Jungkook.” 

You look up and she smiles, understanding the dejected look on your face, “It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that…” She pauses, “I have a boyfriend.”

Your eyes widen and Jieun smiles, “Y-You do?” 

Jieun has never mentioned before that she had a boyfriend - for the longest of times both of you would constantly joke about your single statuses to no end and make fun of couples that would dote on each other. 

Jieun nods, “I have for a while, but I haven’t told anyone about it. Not even Y/N.”

“Why didn’t you tell Y/N?” Your voice comes out strained, not believing your own best friend decided not to tell you about her relationship status. 

“I was waiting for her and Taehyung to get together. I didn’t want her to feel bad because I wasn’t single anymore…” 

You look at Jieun with an abundance of guilt. 

The one person you thought you understood wholeheartedly, was someone you didn’t even know anything about. 

The guilt diminishes and the concern suddenly sparks up, surrounding another person that was involved in the same equation and was most likely going to through the same end result as you. 

“U-Uh I have to go, but thank you for letting me how you feel Jieun.” You smile and she nods. Soon you’re hurriedly walking away, eyes frantically moving around when you know Jungkook can’t know anything about what you’ve just found out. 

***

“If they say anything about me, I need to know.” Jungkook says with a frown, “I’ve been hanging out with them for years. So the possibility of planning to kill me wouldn’t be out of the question.” 

You raise an eyebrow at that, “You do realize you’re talking about your own friends here, right?” 

“Hey, you wouldn’t be saying that when one of your friends mixes in grape juice into your banana milk.” Jungkook shivers, “Worst experience ever.” 

A small laugh escapes you and Jungkook’s protests, “Don’t make fun of me for drinking milk! I had to get this strong somehow!” 

He gestures to you and you nod, a solemn smile remaining on your face. Jungkook quirks up an eyebrow, looking at you strangely, “Really? Nothing?” 

Your eyes flicker, “What?” 

“I just told you I was almost poisoned with grape juice. I thought you would have some type of comeback for that.” 

You shrug, “Well unfortunately you’re still alive, what else should I say?” 

Jungkook laughs at that and you attempt to do the same, but the longer you stare at him the longer you realize that he won’t be laughing like that when he finds out the truth. Your laugh becomes more strained by the minute and you change the topic, “So tell me more about these friends of yours.”

Jungkook pouts in thought, “I’ve known Jimin’s since we were younger, we ended up going to the same school and got closer to each other. He likes hugs and I don’t so that’s always been a problem.” He chuckles, “Jimin introduced me to Hoseok and that’s how we became friends. He’s a little weird but you grow to love it, and Taehyung’s really friendly.” 

Jungkook smiles, “But you probably know a lot about Taehyung already, so there’s not much I can add on.” 

You try to return his smile but it doesn’t seem to last very long the more astray thoughts arise in your mind. Perhaps it is time you’ve told him, since keeping him in the dark for too long would be bad for both Jieun and him, “Hey Jungkook…” 

“Yeah?” 

You’ll tell him everything, “I-” Your eyes suddenly widen, tracing behind the couple walking behind him with your eyes as the words are taken away from you without you even saying anything. 

“What?” 

“Um, I,” You latch onto his wrist, “Let’s go somewhere else.” 

Jungkook looks at you puzzled but then his eyes trail over to your field of vision. 

He freezes. 

Jieun stood on the side patiently waiting prior to Jungkook seeing her, however his eyes meet her form right when her boyfriend decides to graciously arrives. You squeeze your eyes shut when the silence begins to get prolonged, “Jungkook?” 

“H-Huh?” He snaps out of it, harshly coming back down to reality when he gives you a stiff smile, “So she was dating someone….” He laughs, “Isn’t that just something…” 

He continues to laugh and you look at him in concern when he doesn’t stop, his laugh slowly dying out until his shoulders sag down and he looks completely defeated. A drop of water falls onto the ground and you instantly tug him into a hug. 

After clinging on to you for a sheer amount of time, Jungkook sniffles and separates from you, “D-Did you know?” 

His eyes are entirely pink, red cracks coming out from the corners, “I didn’t know how to tell you...you seemed so happy to be around her.”

“I’m sorry Jungkook, I should hav-” 

He shakes his head, “It’s okay. You were just looking out for me.” He glances back at Jieun with her boyfriend, a sigh escaping him, “At least she’s happy.” 

A bitter smile is on your lips and he turns back with tender eyes, “I also hope everything goes well with you and Taehyung. So that you can be happy too.” 

You can’t seem to hide the regret that flashes over you from that, wincing when he brings up Taehyung and Jungkook instantly catches it, “What?” 

“Since you know the truth about Jieun, I guess it’s fair to tell you about me.” You sigh, “I actually found out I’m not Taehyung’s type. He has no interest in me…”

You remorsefully smile at him and Jungkook’s eyes widen, “What? When did you find out th-” Jungkook pauses, realization flickering in his eyes, “God I’m such an idiot! That’s why you wanted to stop the plan!” 

You go silent at that and Jungkook sighs, “I am so sorry Y/N, I didn’t realize in time and then…” He takes your hand, softly tracing over it. He deeply exhales, tugging you into a hug this time. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you.” 

“It’s not your fault Jungkook. I can’t force Taehyung to like someone like me.” 

Jungkook separates from you, staring at your eyes with pursed lips, “But there isn’t nothing not to like about you. Even after what I did, you still helped me out and gave me a chance with Jieun. That’s was just so nice, I-” He glances at you and is so close to smiling, seeing you listening to his rambling with red cheeks and scrunched shoulders, seemingly appearing like a girl even when you’re in his body. He softly smiles, whispering in a low tone, “I’d love to give this a chance.” 

The life comes back into your enlarged eyes and he looks at your intertwined hands before glancing at you, “What? T-This?” The last word comes out incredibly soft, “Us?”

Jungkook nods, “I was in a fantasy world with Jieun and I think you were in your own one with Taehyung. I was blinded until…” He points back and forth in between your bodies. . 

You laugh, softly smiling and nodding, “Mr. Spreading legs is actually giving me a chance.” You pretend to wipe a fake tear from your face, “I’m so touched.” 

Jungkook scoffs, rolling his eyes at that with a sweet smile, “But Y/N,” You turn to him and he holds a serious gaze in his eyes, “As much as I like you, I really don’t want to love you in this form.”

The words bring a smile to your face but its drops when the word ‘form’ sinks into your mind. Your thoughts move fast, mind racing with the horror of your situation, “We never figured out how to fix this. How are we…?”

Jungkook holds an indecipherable look and you both remain frozen when no answer seems to be coming out from either of you. 

***

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” 

There’s a cluster of books decorating the floor as you sit in the middle of all of it, swiftly turning the pages to the book in your hand. You look up at Jungkook confused, who is currently planted in front of a bookshelf, “Why not?” 

“We’ve found nothing here that can help us,” He takes the book in his hands that he was reading and shoves it back into the shelf, “It’s useless.”

You frown at that. You know you haven’t found anything but there was nothing else you could do. 

You had no clue how this all happened. 

He takes the book out of your hands and sit down across from you, “We need to think back to that day, what happened to us?” 

“Nothing really...it was just an ordinary day and then I woke up like this.” A look of disgust is on your face and Jungkook glares at you. 

“It was the same for me.” He pouts until his expression sparks, “Maybe time has something to do with it?” 

He looks hopeful, “We switched in the morning, remember?” 

Your eyes flicker and you nod, twisting in his direction, “You’re right, we woke up in each other’s bodies.” 

“So what happened that morning that caused all this?” 

You frown, rewinding back the entire day prior for some indication. It was quite simple - you woke up that day, went to school and came back to help your mom out with some chores and then went to sleep. There’s nothing different in it until you dive deeper, recalling you were twisting and turning in your sleep, eventually deciding to open your window to gaze at the starry sk-

Your eyes widen. 

“A wish.”

“Huh?” Jungkook frowns at you. “What wish?” 

A burst of recognition suddenly floods through you, eyes twinkling and hands grabbing onto Jungkook, “Jungkook, a wish! A shooting star wish!” 

“You made a shooting star wish?” You nod. 

“I couldn’t sleep well so I woke up in the middle of the night and made a wish.” You wave your hands around, attempting for him to understand what you were trying to get across, “A wish for a way to be closer to Taehyung.” 

“So because of you, we switched?” Jungkook gives a ‘are you serious?’ look and you wave him off. 

“That’s not the point! What matters is now we know how we get back to normal!” 

Jungkook puffs up his cheeks, “I’m not sure it’ll work though Y/N…” 

“Let’s still try, we are stuck like this for the time being,” You smile, “It’ll be harmless.” 

Jungkook’s eyes flicker and he sighs, “Okay, let’s try.” You immediately grin at his compliance but then Jungkook leans closer to you, his eyes serious, “If this does work though, I’ll find you again, but this time as you.” His eyes turn warm,“I promise.”

A soft smile is on your lips and you nod, holding his hand and not letting go. 

***

The idea itself is a bit unstable with no level of ‘hey this will definitely work out for us!’ but just as you and Jungkook tried to make the most out of your switch, you’ll try just as hard enough again to switch back. “Do you see anything yet?” 

“Nothing so far.” His voice speaks through the phone glued to the side of your ear, eyes gazing at the night sky for some indication of the colourful star that will change everything, “Maybe we should just go to sleep and try again tomorrow.” 

“I read that they’re should be some stars in the sky today, we just need to wait Jungkook…” Your eyes don’t waver away from the broad horizon before you, looking at every speck and sparkle decorated in the sky until you see a glimmer of hope somewhere. 

It’s very faint, but its light grows and shines within the dark sky before it soars over and your eyes widen. 

“Jungkook?” 

“I see it.” You both sound the same way - dazed and captivated, before you’re tugged back into reality and know what you need to do. 

“I’m turning off the phone now, I hope I can see you tomorrow.” 

Jungkook chuckles at that, putting the phone down with a smile, “See you.”

The phone call turns off and everything turns silent. You focus on the glimmer of light, following after it with your eyes until your press your two hands together and squeeze your eyes shut. It does feel vaguely familiar - you sitting down in front of a window with hopeless eyes and desperately wanted your wish to come true. 

However, this time you’re wishing for someone else entirely. 

“I want to be with him.” Your words echo through as the shooting star passes by your window, floating to another when the same words are uttered a short distance away. 

“I want to be with her.” Jungkook warmly smiles when the shooting star glows above him, it’s twinkling bits of stardust shining brightly. 

Although it’s a naive attempt at wanting to change things, you and Jungkook wholeheartedly wish for a miracle and that thought alone is enough of reassurance for you. 

The star passes by and the horizon darkens up once more, the two of you plunging into a deep sleep. 

***

The very first thing you do in the morning is look at the mirror. 

It’s a complete flash, your eyes ripping open and then scrambling hastily onto your two feet, maneuvering through the room until the reflected surface comes into contact with your vision and you suck in a breath. 

It’s you. 

The same features you had gone to sleep with one fateful night, the same relaxed eyes before everything turned into a blur and the same place you call home. 

Your eyes search around and a sigh leaves your lips. 

“Y/N? You haven’t gotten ready yet?” Your mother pokes her head by and a huge smile is on your lips, engulfing her into your arms right away. She’s starled at first but then she softly pats your head, “What’s gotten into you?” 

You shake your head, the smile never once disappearing, “It’s nothing.” 

“Well you need to hurry up or you’ll be late. Come on.” She gestures for you to follow her and you immediately do so, knowing there’s one place you had promised someone to be at. 

***

It’s the same school you go to - the same hallways and the same atmosphere, but this time you aren’t rushing in frantic way to find yourself, a body wondering amongst others. This time you’re searching for a specific person, one you wouldn’t have ever thought to have been looking for. 

“Y/N?” 

You turn around with expectant eyes but you’re instead greeted to a different face. You smile at Jieun and she laughs, “You look excited.” 

You laugh alongside her, “Have you seen Jungkook anywhere?” 

“Jungkook?” She furrows her brows, “What’s with the two of you asking for each other these days?” She shakes her head with a sigh, “I saw him with Taehyung and Jimin a couple of minutes ago, he looked like he had lost something.” 

Your eyes flicker and she tilts her head, “Do you need to find him?”

You hurriedly shake your head and she grabs your arm, already feeling the tension radiating off of you, “Come on.” 

She dashes over to the narrow hallway, looking around before dragging you over to the classroom you had been attending in Jungkook’s stead. 

And surely enough, that’s when you see his back. 

You stop at the end of the hallway and Taehyung’s eyes perk up, before he’s tapping Jungkook’s shoulder with a smile. Jungkook glances behind him roughly, before his eyes land on you and they freeze. 

You can see it so easily, clear as glass when his eyes are filled with so much relief and poured with affection. 

“Jungkook.” 

“Y/N.” 

You take a step forward and so does he, but you can’t contain it when you’re both running at each other and he instantly encases you in his arms, lifting you up and spinning you around. “It’s you, it’s really you.” 

Jungkook laughs, putting you down with a smirk, “Unfortunately it is. I hope you don’t mind.”

You snicker at that, covering your mouth and lightly punching his arm. Unconsciously Jungkook laces his hand with yours and from a distance, you can even see Jieun and Taehyung smiling at you. 

“Shall we?” He gestures down the hallway and you nod, letting him guide you.

Turning back, you smile once at Jieun and Taehyung before walking away entirely, your hand finding its way back to Jungkook. 

[moonlightxarcher]

Selene’s Log, Day Three (Part One)

Update, 7:34 am.

“Bzzzzzt, Roto Dex here!” Its voice is enthusiastic as ever, his camera angled to pick up Selene, Kukui, and Lillie as they walk along the beach. The sounds of the rushing sea and cawing Wingulls backs up the light crunch of shoes on sand as the trio takes in the early morning air. 

Selene’s lips are pursed in a thin line, but her ocean blue eyes light up at the beauty of nature, even if, she later admitted to the Dex, the hot temperatures left her feeling fatigued even faster than the blistering cold of Sinnoh she was used to. “You seem amused today,” she mutters, “We have yet to locate our target and you are already recording.”

“Well it’s not every day that ya see a Shiny Pokemon, and I wanna see it for myself!” Correct, their goal today was to not only observe the Pokemon along the beach, but try and track down an Alolan Rattata that had not a black coat, but a shimmering red one. Some locals had pointed it out to the bare-chested professor the other day, and he’d wanted to see if their luck would change with Selene there. Roto pulls up a photo of the elusive ‘mon one more time so the gang can get a good look at it

And it was then that the sky turns black. 

It was as if the beating sun had been swallowed whole, and even Roto’s glowing screen barely produced enough light to illuminate his human friends’ outlines. 

“An eclipse?” The shortest of the outlines- Lillie- pipes up, her tone edged with a combination of fright and intrigue. 

Kukui’s laugh comes from the tallest shadowy outline, “Haha! Ya just might be right, Lil.”

But just as suddenly as the eclipse happened, it passes, and the light of the beating sun returns to bath the group in its golden glow.

And despite that heat, Roto swears he caught footage of Selene shivering.

“I have seen eclipses before...” she mutters lowly, “But none have felt like... that.” Even the Dex could see it in her eyes- something about that eclipse was very, very off. 

“Well hey,” mused Kukui, seemingly sensing the tension. “Even if it was some kinda weird thing, Alolans are a lot tougher than they look! There’s this old story from way back, ya know. About Alola bein’ steeped in darkness and all that.”

Lillie piped up, her lips curling in a small grin, “Yeah! I’ve heard that one before. Everyone, people and Pokemon rallied together to blast away the darkness with their light. I think it had something to do with those Z-Crystals you’ll be collecting too, Selene!” she adds, nodding cheerily at the younger researcher. 

“I admit, it is not a story I have heard, but I very much appreciate being apart of such a custom steeped in history and myth. Reminds me a bit of Sinnoh.” She trails off a bit, and the Rotom makes a mental note to download more Sinnoh Myths to his database for later. After teasing her with those pictures of her smile last night, it might be nice to appease any residual anger with that gift. 

Kukui’s phone rings and he picks it up, muttering under his breath briefly before looking back to the girls and the Dex. “Can you gals take it from here? I’m needed elsewhere.”

“Of course, Kukui-san,” Selene nods respectfully, “Take care of your business.”

The Alola Professor chuckles. “Told ya, ya don’t need to be so formal with me. We’re colleagues, equals.” Not that it would ever get through Selene’s skull. He darts off and as he’s breaking into a run, he calls back, “Watch Lil for me! I’ll see you up at the Trainer School in a few hours!”

---

“Woaaah, that eclipzze thing was weird, but that story was pretty heartwarming if ya ask me.” The Dex mechanically chuckles. “When the Prof left, Lillie and Selene spent the rest of their time talking about old storiezz. Turns out Lillie’zz read quite a few bookzz in that little loft of herzz! It’s great seeing Selene open up, ya know? I may have only met her recently, but Kukui’s shared enough of their correspondence with me to know that she’zz not usually the type to socialize with real people. I know I get a pazz for bein’ a Pokemon, but still.”

“Anyway, they actually ran into this mean lookin’ Wingull later on that was bullying other Pokemon on the beach.” He flashes images on screen, photos of the gull landing decisive blows on a number of foes before switching to a clip of it getting smacked down by Selene and Strix. “Poor girl really met her match there!” The Dex plays a victory theme reminiscent of old 8-bit video games. 

“But ya see, that Wingull actually knew how to take a loss well and realized that she had a lot to learn, not just about fightin’ but about bein’ a better Pokemon too. So she decided to join uzz!” Roto flashes another image on screen of the Wingull tapping an offered Pokeball with her wing, followed by another image with more data about the Pokemon.

Name: Henet

Gender: Female

Nature: Hardy

Characteristic: Proud of its power

“Yeah, she named her Henet, apparently it’zz the name of a legendary Pelipper from a far off region, I think it fitzz!” The Dex brightens, flashing bright smiley faces on his screen. 

“And then the gang met with Kukui at the Trainer School,” the Dex continues, playing a clip of the young ressearcher and her blonde companion meeting up with the Professor and being introduced to the principal of the school. “Kukui posed a bit of a pre-trial challenge to her, fighting studentzz in the school! If she could beat enough of them, she’d definitely be ready to take on the firzzt trial. Selene even met another partner on the way-” A clip plays of her befriending a  chill sludge monster that had been minding its own business in the grassy field near the school, munching on trash and other gross stuff. 

“Yeah, she beat a student with an Alolan Grimer and just had to find one for herzzelf!” And there’s another clip, this one of Selene royally trouncing the boy in question. The Dex then flashed up another snippet of team data.

Name: Slime

Gender: Male

Nature: Hardy

Characteristic: Highly persistent

“Seemed like this Grimer wanted to see the world too, since he was happy help Selene in her alternate form research and battle with her. I can totally appreciate that! Gosh, how much fun I used to have battling!” The Dex sighs and continues.

“Thing is, Selene... took her test a little too far. Kukui never really specified how many trainerzz she needed to fight, but he’d expected her to at least fight the best student in each grade level prezzent- one for each of the four yearzz’ worth of studentzz. But no, She fought all the studentzz.” The Dex rapidly flashes image after image of Selene taking out one kid after another, even battling and defeating a fair few teachers as well. “And that’s when the principal called her to her office...”

Roto’s camera trails a few feet behind Selene and Lillie as they walk, with the younger blonde muttering in a low voice, “Are you sure you did nothing wrong? I don’t think a principal would just call you to her office for no reason...”

“I am sure it is fine, Lillie-san. I completed Kukui’s test, no? That is probably all.” But as the duo rounds a corner, they find themselves face to face with a very irate woman, perhaps in her late 20s, with dark hair and glasses, and a Litten glaring daggers at the researcher. 

The sight alone even sparks a twinge of wide-eyed surprise in Selene.

“I have had a number of complaints about your battling style, young lady,” the principal growls, her eyes matching the Litten in fiery anger. “Battling students leagues below you in skill, ruthlessly taking out each opponent with your strongest techniques... I should put you in detention for this!” And the Litten pounces. “But that won’t be enough. I’ll defeat you where you stand!”

Selene ducks out of the way of an Ember the cat launches, her left hand darting to her belt to pluck off a Pokeball, summoning forth the Wingull she caught earlier. It looks like she was trying to take advantage of Types, and Henet unleashes a Water Gun to destroy the next Ember the Litten sends out. The cat and bird continue exchanging blows, a multitude of Embers and Water Guns missing and clashing just as often as Wing Attacks met Scratches. In time, stray flames begin to eat at the wood in the hallway, starting to burn doors and other objects hanging from the walls. For awhile there, it even looks like Selene is about to lose, with her Wingull’s Water Guns seemingly striking wildly as the blazing cat dodges out of the way. One particularly critical Scratch sends Henet hurtling into a wall-

Causing a rare burst of shock in Selene that left her gasping. Blue eyes like dark oceans tremble in their sockets as she runs to her partner, covering her with her body as she administers a Potion to heal with gull’s wounds. Had Ichne not broke out of her own Pokeball to defeat the Litten with a brutal Tackle, Selene would have taken an Ember directly to the back.

The principal returns her fainted cat and approaches Selene with a stern look... only to smile brightly and offer her a hand. “I’m deeply sorry for that,” she says, bowing respectfully. “But I had to see where your true loyalties lied. If you were so strong without a kind heart, I don’t know what I would have done about your Pokemon! But I can see now... even if are cold and ruthless in battle like the children say, you clearly love and care for your Pokemon above all else.” The principal smiles softly. “You even aimed your Wingull’s attacks to fight the fires instead of taking the chance to defeat Litten.” It would seem that was true, as the blaze set by previous stray Embers had been staunched completely.

She nods her head to the Yungoos, who was still glaring at her and guarding Selene protectively, “And if this one can feel so strongly about you that she breaks out of a Pokeball just to protect you, I know I can give you my blessing and the support of this school. Just please, keep that kind heart, no matter what.”

---

“Whew, that battle left me on the edge of my seat! Metaphorically speaking. I wazz sure that Litten was gonna burn me up! That principal’zz a pretty good trainer. Did we catch her name? Ah well. Hopefully Selene takes her wordzz to heart moving forward. Kukui says he’zz got someone to introduce uzz to in Hau’oli City, so see ya there!”

“Huh... I just realized we never did find that Shiny Rattata...” Oops.

[thosemintcookies]

The thing that bothers me about men who complain about "ham-fisted feminist narrative" is that they just dont get it. Like yes, there are nuances of sexism and there are more overt cases of blatant sexism. It's like this whole spectrum. But if you break it down to its bare essentials, no matter how clumsy it may seem, theres an emotional core to it that can still resonate.

Like picture me, 11 years old or some such. I watch this episode of atla where katara wants to be taught waterbending by master paku and she finds out that it's not in the tradition of the n. water tribe to teach women combat bending. And shes rightfully livid and she fights for it anyway. And I'm a little girl who feels like she needs to hide that shes starting to fill up a sports bra and wears her brothers' hand me downs and dislikes the colour pink out of principle. And I see this other girl who feels as trapped in gender roles as I did. Was it probably very obvious that what kind of narrative it was gonna be? Probably. But why are men bothered when they encounter narratives that boil down to "it's ok to be mad at a system that doesnt accept you. You can do it too, but it might take more work."? Is there a way to make such a thing more nuanced? I dont know. The message is the message is the message in this case.

For some men its "oh I've seen this before." For a lot of little girls it might be "it's ok that you're angry and hurt but you can do it too." I dont care what kind of narrative it shows up in. Is it about making it in the stem field? Is it about solving mysteries? About being a powerful business person? About shooting up aliens? About superherodom where the big bad can be an abstract symbol for evil? Hell yeah. It's all relevant. Tell girls and women that femininity can be empowering, that their perspectives and skills can not only compete with male perspectives, but also be complementary, providing a wider view of personhood. Is there, at its core, a difference between the empowerment messages of hidden figures, legally blonde, mulan, silence of the lambs, etc etc? It's important to tell different variants on that theme because it persists everywhere in the lives of women.

So when a man gets tired of seeing it? I dont give a shit. Theres a child who will see it and identify with that core emotional truth of obstruction and the vindication of success despite that.

And, like, narratively, is it that different from stories of male leads who have to beat other sorts of obstacles in their lives? Because even further deconstructed is "character desires x, but it it hard to attain for y reason. Character prevails." Is it that unbelievable that if men can have permutations of evil be their big bad in multiple pieces of media, that for a portion of other media that "y" is the patriarchy (read: not even specifically men, but to be made to feel lesser than for ones gender). If themes of, like, trauma, fatherhood, romance, war, anger, etc etc can recur a lot, why can gender relations not? Especially since this is a reality affecting, like, everyone in the world.

Also we dont watch marvel movies for their intellectual complexity. Like the most complex film I can really think of is black panther, and even that only because killmonger truly was morally grey and t'challa had to adopt some of his view to complete his character arc. And like, by the standards of other films, it's really not that difficult conceptually either. Other films? Sure they have the aesthetic of complexity, but nazi allegories and mass murder are not that deep. It's fine to like watching things because they're fun. They dont all have to be masterpieces.

Why dont we just count it as a net positive that we can have a woman in a lead superhero role, especially one that isnt necessarily objectified or sexualized (let's not forget that we have characters like shuri, mj, janet and hope, black widow, okoye, jane foster, all of whom are paid lip service of being competent and strong, and they are, in the scope of the universe they're in, but narratively, their narratives are necessarily confined to the be a part of the stories of the men in their lives. If it were real life, yes they're great, but because the camera only tangentially follows them around, it's not as powerful.)

(Also I'm still not over how black widow was the only female avenger and she doesnt even have powers. Like I've been in groups where I was the only woman. It's a weird kinda dynamic even if you're close friends with everyone. It doesnt feel natural. And dont get me started on how dirty they did Wanda by making her so bland...)