#and the thing thats really giving me a migrane about it

[goodguydotmp3]

.

[gayboybeetle]

my fire alarm ran out of battery and went off in the middle of the night, so im about to go to my post-op appointment with two hours of sleep and a migrane being like. yes i am so normal, tell me how normal i am, for the love of god

[faegutz]

Hmmmm cuz I have a headache rn, what about the 141( + Konig and Los vaqueros) helping a gn reader with a migrane?

migraines and how they help ☆ pairing: 141 + los vaqueros + konig × gn! reader

authors note: i barely have migraines but when i do it hurts so much. Im gonna be honest and say im not too proud of these and i had no idea what to write sometimes- But hope you feel better soon anon and i hope you enjoy! :)

tags: migraine, hurt comfort?, domestic, probably ooc, medicine mentions, soft cod men

"CAPTAIN JOHN PRICE"

- dad mode activated !

- has a whole cabinet specifically full of medicine, some thermometers, etc.

- gives you some aspirin and water

- the type to make you go to bed and nap and will refuse to let you get out of bed or do anything yourself

- just tell him what you need and he'll get it!! no need to get up

- will lay down with you and caress your face, occassionaly giving you soft kisses on the forehead

- will always take care of you when you dont feel good and make sure you feel better before he stops

"Let me take care of you,"

"SIMON GHOST RILEY"

- kinda confused on how hes supposed to help you but hes trying okay

- will go to the store and get you something that will help you with the pain

- hes never really taken care of someone before so hes a little awkward

- he wants you to lay down and get some rest but he also doesnt want to baby you

- so he just kinda stands there while you do your thing, watching and waiting in case you need his help with anything

- if you ask him to lay down with you, he will and he'll make sure to hold you close

- "It's okay, love,"

"JOHN SOAP MACTAVISH"

- i feel like he gets sick maybe once a year so he has no clue how to even help with a migraine

- will stand in the medicine aisle at the store, staring at every single thing thats on the shelf and having no clue what to grab

- doesnt want to call you and bother you because youre in pain, so he ends up asking someone else in the aisle what the hell youre supposed to get for a migraine

- gets home about 5 minutes later than he should because he took so long just standing in the store with a confused look on his face

- will make you soup or something warm because that usually helped him when he was sick or in pain

- he almost started a fire because he forgot he was even making you food since he was more distracted by worrying over you and making sure you were comfortable !! how fun

- "Uh, the soup is burnt.."

"KYLE GAZ GARRICK"

- he definitely gets sick often, and hes almost an expert on how to help you

- makes sure you drink water regularly and occasionally take an aspirin

- most of the migraines hes ever gotten was because he was stressed

- so he practically gives you a therapy session and asks you what gave you the headache and if you were stressed

- lets you just talk it out if you were stressed

- keeps a close eye on you and makes sure you drink enough water and that you eat

- "Tell me whats been bothering you,"

"ALEJANDRO VARGAS"

- immediately notices that youre in pain when he sees you wince or squint your eyes

- is ready with pain medication and some water

- he offers to give you a back massage and hes very skilled with his hands so it feels amazing

- he makes sure to close all the blinds or curtains so its darker inside so the pain is less for you

- whispers in your ear about how much he loves you just so you feel relaxed and comfortable

- gives you kisses on the top of your head and soothingly rubs your back in circles

- "Te amo mucho,"

"RODOLFO RUDY PARRA"

- out of all the characters on this list, I have a feeling he would definitely be the best caretaker for you

- makes sure you get sleep and drink water, will literally hold you down if he has to

- he holds you against his chest while you sleep, staying by your side the whole time

- will cook meals for you and basically do everything for you

- suggests turning on some soothing noises or guided meditation sounds on the TV that will help you relax

- he also will brush your hair/do your hair for you if you find it relaxing

- "Solo relájate, cariño."

"KONIG"

- ohh hes so sorry that youre in pain and he tries his best to comfort you in any way he can

- hes not sure what to do himself but if you ask anything of him he will get right on it

- frequently asks if youre comfortable or if you need him to do anything

- it almost gets annoying, but he just wants to make sure youre taken care of and that you feel better soon

- he has no clue how to cook most things so he does the next best thing and goes to the store and buys all your favorite snacks for you

- "Do you need anything else, meine liebe?"

[jerkeline]

Re: Questions for people in their 30's

7: Any groceries you're really into these days?

27: Do you prefer pizza, boardgame, or movie night with friends?

55: Fave high-effort meal that you've made?

7: Any groceries you're really into these days?

You know the fuck what, yeah there are groceries I'm really into! I've been drinking Deep Spring lemon and lime mineral waters like crazy, they have basically no sugar besides whats in the actual fruit juice and are just so refreshing and crisp and lovely. I can't have too much sugar for health reasons, and artificial sweeteners give me migranes, so they're perfect for me. I wish more companies would make their products with just less sugar instead of replacement sweeteners, especially as I get older I find that sweet stuff is far less appealing to me, and everything sweet is way TOO sweet. Tone it down, not everything needs to be pure sugar, we can handle variety, it's fine. I've also been enjoying dragonfruit which i can get from my local Aldi. Everyone always told me it's dissapointing and doesn't taste like anything, but I think thats because we're all used to all our food being way too sweet. It's refreshing to have something that hits the spot of sweetness without being sickly overpowering.

27: Do you prefer pizza, boardgame, or movie night with friends?

Pizza for sure. We get lebanese flat breads as pizza bases and build our own pizza dinners all the time, its wonderful. I live in a sizable town (about 175,000 people) and there's not one single good pizza place. The fact that i can throw together something at home without even bothering to make dough and it turns out better than all the actual business pizza places in town is damning. Every time I get pizza from somewhere else it always drives me into a mild rage and makes me want to open my own pizza place and do it properly, I have the qualifications but not the capital. So yeah, pizza dins are pretty common in our house. Plus the kids love it.

55: Fave high-effort meal that you've made?

My favourite high effort meal that I make is Red Rice. It's effectively my version of Lao Gan Ma fried rice, but it's so much more than that. It's both a distillation of everything I've learned from 20 years as a chef, and dumb luck from throwing together what I had left in the house. It's a representation of the mental healing from resentment and hatred of food and my life long disordered eating, to finding joy in cooking as a way to express my love and feeling that love in return. I get excited days out from Red Rice breakfast, it's so perfect in every way and never gets old. Excited! To eat!! And to cook!!?? Who, me?? One day I might write a whole post about red rice, but I'm actually slowly piecing together a part-philosophy, part-cook book and Red Rice is the keystone to the whole thing, so I don't really want to spoil it. If anyone wants the recipe you can DM me, I have it written up on my computer somewhere already.

[shitidontsay]

I am an addict.

This is something I have struggled majorly to be honest about. with myself, with others, in my journal, in therapy. But something needs to give. Especially if I want to pay 345 per therapy session.

I have been stealing drugs since 2015. It started with Melissa and her dexedrine. I would purposefully study with her, despite her driving me nuts - just so that I could take her medication. I justified this because of what it did for my grades. I went from struggling and getting mediocre grades to getting a 3.85 or something. I understand there was undiagnosed ADHD, but this was addict behaviour.

I was secretly smoking weed in university, often. I was also drinking on occasion before classes. I can only really remember a handful of times, but it was happening.

Grad school was similar. I was abusing whatever stimulants I could get my hands on. I also remember one day where I took FUCKING ACID and went to class. I said I had a migrane. My pupils were dilated.

I then was buying cocaine. No one knew I was buying it myself. Mikalyla only knew that I bought it from her once. I was doing it before dates, at work, on weekends etc. I was then smoking wed and taking Benadryl to be able to fall asleep.

I knew this was a problem, so then I got prescribed my own ADHD medication. The bad relationship I had with drugs immediately fell into place with this as well. I downplayed my abuse, but realistically it started the moment I began taking this medication. I would constantly be counting my pills and calculating what I could take and when. It was NEVER a relationship where I took what I was prescribed when I was supposed to.

COVID expanded this, and i abused alcohol and weed on top of the stimulants. I often went to work drunk or high. At some point, the alcohol tapered back, but did it? I remember so many nights when I was living alone, post-Mat where I would order alcohol to get delivered to the apartment, and I would drink alone. That night i hung out with Ryan I was a bottle of wine deep and had been smoking weed all night. The first few dates with Os, where he was not drinking - I was. I was drinking almost a bottle of wine before we met and hiding it.

I've lied about quitting stimulants multiple times - when in reality, I was simply refilling my prescription and blasting through a 100 day supply in a month. And now I am stealing meds from my lovely wonderful partner who has no idea what is going on. I have also gone to his house and used his MDMA and ketamine without him knowing.

That is the catalyst for me writing this. Lately, I have been drinking secretly, and no one knows. Last night I had two drinks after work, went to his house, snorted some drugs, and then felt weird about what I had consumed so I attempted to mix some salt and MDMA into the bag of K. Obviously SO dumb because the texture and smell/taste was wrong. I was so anxious last night and this morning and then spent this morning trying to fix it or dilute it. I am just praying he doesn't realize what I did, or blame me. But honestly who knows. I might be fucked. Another lie. DESPITE THIS. the fucked up thing is that I came home, was so anxious - and what did I do? I poured a fucking drink. I am sitting here, before 9am, drinking a gin-water-lemon juice concoction to manage my anxiety.

At this point it's obvious there is a problem. I have opened up slightly to Os - and it felt lie radical honesty at the time. But in reality there is so much that no one knows. Everything I read about recovery talks about the importance of honesty and forgiving yourself. And I feel like I am so far away from that.

So thats where this blog comes in. I think I need to be fucking brutally honest with myself and write about these things.

What I really want for myself is to end 2023 with honesty and being clean. I want to write everyday about what is going on, open up about my anxiety, and stop avoiding what is underneath. I have no idea how to do that, but I am going to try.

[hwangsies]

zephyr

(n) a gentle breeze

pairing: seo changbin x female reader (hwang hyunjin x female reader)

genre: rebound to fwb to dumbasses to lovers(?), college!au, undergroundrappers!3racha

warnings: angst: mentions of infidelity, heartbreak and abuse, seemingly unrequited love, they are both so dumb and prideful its annoying, fluff, bad attempt at comedy, minsung on the side, cursing, alcohol consumption, smut: protected piv, oral (f), studio sex, praise, mild degradation, hair pulling, mild spanking

wc: 10k

enjoy <3

-

September

"y/n?" you hear your roommates faint voice calling out your name.

You dont bother to answer because you know she's going to come into your room at any second now.

And you're right. "y/n??" Your door opens a few seconds later.

You groan in response, not looking up and instead staying in your little cocoon of blankets.

"no babygirl what are you doing?" you feel the bed shift under lias weight when she sits down.

"what does it look like i'm doing?" you grumble back, her hand gently rubbing over your arm.

"sulking, babe" she replies, dropping her purse to the ground.

"10 points for griffyndor" you sniffle as you scooch and sit up, pushing the blankets half off of you at which she sighs.

"wooyoung was not that good of a boyfriend for you to still be crying over him" lia presses her lips together concernedly.

She's right, you know it. It has almost been two months and you still feel like crying everytime someone mentions him.

"i know" you nod somewhat defeatedly "still, i was with him for almost a year and" you hiccup "he literally ripped my heart out and trampled on it"

"i know" lia nods understandingly "but i do think it would help if you went out again, even if its just for a night, you know just to be around people"

"it probably would but i just dont have the energy for it" you shrug your shoulders.

"i get it, girl, i really do" she pats your knee "both of my exes cheated on me, my only luck was that they were both awful at hiding it so i found out pretty quickly" she huffs.

You force out a chuckle, from what you heard from one of the girls that wooyoung cheated on you with, was that it started 3 months into your relationship.

"this the most humiliating thing ever, lia" you scoff "being with someone for so long, trusting them and telling them all your secrets and you think they are doing the same for you but then realizing that they were faking it all along to have multiple side chicks, and the fact that i was too oblivious to figure it out is the icing on the cake" you rub your forehead, feeling a migrane approach due to the sheer amount of crying you've been doing.

She seems to know what's happening and hands you the water bottle next to your bed "hydrate, sis"

So, you do. Taking four big gulps out of the water bottle.

Once you place the bottle next to you and tie your hair in a messy bun, you look at your roommate more thuroughly now that the tears are wiped away.

"you look pretty" you compliment her makeup and casual yet chic outfit "what'd you do tonight?"

Her contagious grin spreads over her face, eyes turning into little crescents.

"chris took me to the fair in town" lia grins before her face drops "I'm sorry, this is maybe not the time to ta-"

"No! It is, tell me about it" you interrupt her.

"O-okay" she nods hesitantly "well, i dont know if you've been keeping track but today was our fourth date and it was amazing" she gushes.

"I cant believe how much i like him, like, its crazy" she squeals a little, at which you giggle.

"so, fourth date huh? And he hasnt tried to get into your pants yet?" you quip.

"nope, i initiated our first kiss and other than that nothing" she whispers the last words before laughing.

"thats great" you smile, genuinely happy for her.

"Hmm yea" she sings as she gets up "i'll go to bed now too"

"Oh, hey, i have an idea" lia speaks up when standing in your doorway "chris has this performance thingy in two days, you should totally come!" she offers enthusiastically.

"he has a band?" you ask, partly to distract her from her offer.

"Hmm not really a band, they're a trio and there is this performance on saturday where a bunch of underground artists perform, i didnt fully listen if im honest" she giggles "but you should come with me!!" she jumps excitedly.

"i dont kno-"

"y/n pleasee? You'd do me a huge favor too because i dont know anyone there" lia pleads, clutchig her hands together.

"you know chris" you rebuttal.

"and what am i supposed to do when he's performing? stand around like an idiot? please y/n" she pouts.

"I dont really think this is my type of crowd..." you scratch your head.

"please please please" she jumps once more.

You sigh and tilt your head as you look at her sternly.

"one of his friends is single" she adds carefully.

"and cute" she sings "from what ive seen in pictures" she adds.

"lia" you groan.

"I'll do your laundry for two weeks if you come with me"

"you will?" Your head snaps towards her.

"yes i will! i promise, just come with me, please?"

A long sigh leaves your lips "okay"

-

The strong bass of the loud music rings in your chest as soon as you step foot into the club where “3racha” is supposed to be performing tonight.

Lia comes to a halt and you almost run into her because you were to busy checking out the venue and the other people around you.

“sorry” you mumble and hold onto her arm to avoid getting lost in the crowd.

She pulls out her phone and clicks on her and hers and chris’s chat, to figure out where to meet them, you assume.

“okay” lia puts her phone back into her jeans pocket and grabs your hand “they’re backstage, lets go”

“can we just go there?” you almost yell for her to understand what you’re saying.

“yea! Chris said he’ll make sure we’ll get in, come on” she tugs at your hand for you to walk faster.

You waddle behind her, barely dodging some drunk guys beer that goes flying before you arrive at the sign that says “artists only” and a black curtain behind it.

The guy standing infront of it raises a brow at the two of you before pointing at said sign “read ladies, no fans allowed”

“hey, they’re with me” a guy, you assume to be chris, taps on his shoulder and shows his artists badge, half of his body still covered by the curtain.

The bigger guy sighs and lets you through.

“thank you” lia lets go of your hand to loop her arms around chris’s neck once behind the curtain, they kiss and you look around.

Not because you are particularly uncomfortable, maybe still just a little bitter at happy couples.

You audibly clear your throat when they are still making out after a good ten seconds.

“oh-uhm” lia looks back at you after breaking the kiss “chris, this is y/n, y/n, chris” she giggles.

“hi y/n, nice to meet you” he gives you a quick hug and a smile full of dimples, finally understanding why your roommate is always swooning about him.

“hi” you smile back, somewhat forced.

“lets go to our dressingroom” chris suggests and leads the way.

Opening the door, he lets you and lia walk in first.

One guy is dancing around in the middle of the room, singing along to the current song that’s being played in the background with a water bottle as a pretend mic.

Another is one sitting on the small couch and laughing at him.

“oh, hi” the guy stops singing and quickly hides the bottle behind himself at which chris chuckles.

“guys, this is lia and y/n” chris points at the two of you before closing the door behind him.

“ooo the lia?” the waterbottle guy wiggles his eyebrows, at which you cant help but laugh as well, he isn’t very tall but looks lean.

“what is the lia supposed to mean?” lia laughs when chris comes up and slings an arm around her waist from behind her.

“I..well-I talk about you sometimes-“

“sometimes my ass” the guy sitting on the couch scoffs amusedly, your eyes shift to him.

He’s wearing a white baseball cap and a pretty tight fitted black Versace shirt, making his shoulders and arms look broad.

His hands clad in black half-gloves, he adjusts his cap before locking eyes with you and quickly looking down again.

“channie hyung must’ve forgotten his manners, I’m jisung” the waterbottle guy speaks up “and that’s changbin hyung” he points at the most intimidating-looking of the three of them, on the couch.

“channie?” lia squeals as she sits down with chris on the couch changbin is sitting on as well, jisung coming up to you.

“hey, you want something to drink?” he asks, pointing at the mini bar feigning cockiness  “we have a mini bar”

“woow” you chuckle, playing along “sure I’d love a drink”

“how come we’ve never met on campus before?” jisung asks after mixing you a vodka soda and sitting down on the second couch in the room.

“oh, you all go to uni here as well?” you ask surprisedly as you sit down next to him..

“yea” he grins “that’s how we all met” he points at lia and chris almost sitting on top of each other “and those two”

“oh I didn’t even know that” you take a sip, trying to loosen up “I guess I wasn’t listening when she was ranting on about him”

Jisung laughs and changbin joins the two of you as he sits down next to jisung.

“they just started calling each other bubs I feel like throwing up” changbin groans as he drinks from his beer.

You huff before jisung speaks again, looking from his friend back to you “he’s usually more romantic” he quips.

“I bet” you joke with him.

“yup” changbin locks eyes with you “that’s why I’m single, I’m just too romantic” he shakes his head sarcastically.

“ooh” you squint your eyes “emotional unavailability? love that in a man” you grin, at which his eyebrow quirks up amusedly.

“speaking of man, did minho hyung text you when he’d be here?” jisung asks his friend.

“yea he said he’ll be here in 5 and that you should finally buy a new phone” changbin answers, reading it from his phone at which jisung scoffs before turning to you.

“minho is my boyfriend” he explains “he’s hot” he grins at which you laugh “I bet”

“so, y/n, do you have a boyfriend?” jisung asks after taking a sip of his drink

“not anymore” you scoff, jisung inhales excitedly “guess what, changbin is single as well” he grins from ear to ear, comically looking back and forth between you two.

“oh, please dont start like lia” you chuckle, leaning forwards to lock eyes with changbin “no offense, but I only attract assholes”

He shakes his head, amusedly raising his brows “none taken” he grins at which you huff before a young woman comes into their dressing room to tell them they’re up next.

-

Back in the crowd, you and lia find a good place just as the lights dim and the music begins to play.

Suddenly you feel someone run into your side “woah I’m sorry” he quickly apologizes “this guy pushed me” he looks behind him.

“its alright” you nod, loud enough for him to hear.

Once they come outside, the crowd goes wild.

“jisungieee” the guy next to you all over sudden screams, you have to smile when looking at him.

“are you minho by any chance?” you ask him.

He nods aggressively “yea! do you know jisung?”

“I just met him backstage” you yell over the loud bass.

Minho laughs and nods before the bass drops and chris starts the first verse.

“he’s great right?” lia screams into your ear when the first chorus ends.

“yea” you nod, actually surprised at how good their music is, now understanding as to why the crowd loves them so much.

Changbin starts his verse and suddenly you feel somewhat entranced, his voice is rough and his bars are hard, definitely fitting his appearance but what entices you is the passion with which he appears to be performing.

Throughout their whole performance you cant take your eyes off him, the way his arms flex when he grips onto the microphone a little harder or the way his jugular sticks out when he growls into the microphone.

Not to mention the thighs you somehow didn’t notice in their dressing room, you watch them strain against his leather pants and feel even hotter suddenly.

Their last song ends and lia is quick to be in your ear about going backstage to chris again.

“oh you know chan hyung?” minho overhears and chimes in.

“yea she’s his date” you point at your overly excited roommate.

“changbin just texted and said they’re upstairs in the vip lounge, come with me” the brunette holds out his hand for you to take, which you do and grab lia with the other one.

“do you know where you’re going?” you ask minho after a minute of pressing yourself along sweaty dancing bodies.

“yea! they’re here a lot” he yells back “its right over there” he points to a flight of stairs where yet another bouncer is standing in front of.

“hey minho” the bouncer greats him with a fist bump “these girls are with you?” he points at lia and you.

“yea” he nods.

“trying something new, I see” he laughs atw hich you frown.

“oh, nono” minho chuckles uncomfortably “I’m still with jisung”

“ah-alright well, have fun” the bouncer moves after looking you all up and down, letting you walk up the stairs.

“wow, you’re famous” lia giggles at which minho huffs and shakes his head amusedly “yea, for being the only non-straight person they know”

“baby” you see jisung jump up from his seat in the spacious lounge as soon as you enter.

“hii” minho holds out his arms for him to run into, you cant stop yourself from smiling when you see jisung jump into his boyfriends arms.

“lia, y/n come over here” chris waves at the two of you.

“you were so good, baby” you hear minho praise jisung behind you as you walk over to the large round sitting booth where chan and changbin are sitting.

Lia slides into the booth and cuddles into chans side “you were awesome” she squeals as you sit down on the other end and grab a fresh glass from the middle of the round table, holding it next to changbins where he’s pouring cherry vodka into.

“can i get some?” you ask, he glances at you and smirks before silently filling your glass with a  double shots worth of the slightly rosy liquid.

“so, how did you like it?” he asks as he leans back, taking a swing of his drink.

“you guys were really good” you nod “to be honest I didn’t expect such high quality music”

He laughs, leaning his head back a little, his adams apple bopping with it.

You cant help but notice the sheer sheen of sweat that expands over his thick neck, obviously coming from their escapades on stage just now.

“what did you expect? a bunch of drunks playing wonderwall on the guitar for more drunks?” he grins, straight white teeth on display.

“hey, don’t come for wonderwall” you raise your hand jokingly at which he laughs.

“I wouldn’t dare” he raises his hands comically.

“hey” you whip your head around to see jisung and minho “scoot, please” jisung speaks again.

“oh-yea” you grab your drink and scoot further into the half circle-shaped booth.

“so what do you study?” changbin asks, his voice catches you off guard because you hadn’t calculated how close you’re sitting to him.

You turn to him to realise you’re close enough to smell his perfume and aftershave.

“uh- I- art” you answer shakily before taking a sip of your drink just to pull a face afterwards.

“jesus christ” you cough a little and hold your chest as changbin laughs.

“its stronger than you’d think” he grins “can you handle it?” he teases when your eyes get a little watery.

You stare at him for a second before playfully rolling your eyes “im good” 

His eyes trace over your face as you look around before he breaks the silence ”i can get you something else if you want” he offers.

“oh-uh no, I’m just being dramatic its fine” you chuckle.

“so...what do you study?” you change the topic.

“I’m majoring in music” he says, stretching out his arms over the backrest “all three of us are”

“oh, so you like, produce all your own stuff?” you ask, your eyes jumping to where his forearm touches your shoulder, that’s leaning against the backrest.

“yea, channie hyung composes the most, me and ji write a lot” he explains,

“thats really cool” you nod, looking over to the mentioned guy.

Changbin follows your eyes and huffs when the both of you see him and your roommate sucking face again.

After a few seconds they stop and giggle before standing up to go somewhere.

“where are they going?” you huff.

“I guess they want some alone time” he chuckles, lifting the arm close to you to take off the cap he’s still wearing.

You flinch when his forearm brushes your shoulder.

“are you scared of me?” he asks slowly, stopping his movements, cap still in hand.

“no- no” you shake your head, chuckling “I- its just been a while since I’ve gone out and I don’t know” you shrug “I feel a little lost”

“hm” changbin cocks his brow at your words, running one hand through his dark brown locks.

You divert your eyes from his bulging bicep back to his face quickly when he speaks again.

“any reason why?” he leans back again.

“oh, just a shitty ex and a shitty breakup” you shrug “I’m gonna spare you the details”

“aw, no please, tell me he had a small dick and everything, now im invested” he jokes.

You tsk at him and push his arm playfully, feigning annoyance.

“that still doesn’t answer my question as to why you jumped like that when my arm touched you” changbin raises his brows expectantly.

You open your mouth to speak but-

“we’ll go get some more to drink” minho interrupts you at which changbin nods.

“so?” he asks again, once minho and jisung leave.

“did that ex hit you? give me his address I’ll beat him up for you” changbin deadpans.

“no” you shake your head after taking another sip “he didn’t” you huff incredulously.

“its just- you look kinda scary” you blurt out finally.

His eyes widen before he falls into a boyish laughter, which you cant help but join.

“me?” he points at himself before laughing again, the image you had made up in your mind about him cracking.

“yea!” you raise your brows “when you look like this” you furrow your brows and lightly squint your eyes to mimic his resting bitch face.

“what the-” he splutters laughingly.

“stoop, don’t laugh” you hold onto his forearm, still giggling yourself.

He calms himself, subconsciously scooting closer to you in the now empty booth.

“maybe scary wasn’t the right word” you snicker, looking down.

“I think the word you were looking for was: sexy, hot or mysterious, maybe handsome-” he quips, grinning to himself when you start laughing again.

“no, no, I know what I meant” you joke back, just now noticing how close he is, his knee touching yours as his whole torso is turned to you.

“so none of my suggestions are accurate?” he cheekily raises one brow at which you scoff playfully.

“maybe one or two” you see his eyes jump to your lips.

The air suddenly feels thick around you with tension, changbins tongue darting out to wet his plump bottom lip while his eyes are still locked on yours.

You breathe in before the two of you lock eyes again "so…are you gonna kiss me, or just stare?"

He raises his brows at your sudden boost of confidence, grinning amusedly.

"what happened to me being scary?" he counters before urging you to swing one leg over his thighs with gentle hands.

You take a seat on his lap, straddling his thick thighs before looping your arms around his neck "i dont know, i think i'm into it" you quip.

His hands wander up your waist "well then i wont make you wait any longer" he grins, looking at your lips one last time before closing the gap inbetween you two.

You meet him in the middle, changbins grip on your waist tightens when his plush lips land on yours.

He pulls you closer to him, pushing his tongue past the seam of your lips.

You can taste the cherry vodka on his tongue but it riles you up even more, sucking at the wet muscle before his hands wander over the swell of your ass and each grab a handful of the flesh; your short skirt riding up when you subconsciously grind against his lap.

“be careful” he mumbles against your lips, gently tugging down the piece of fabric so you don’t expose yourself to bywalkers.

“where’s the fun in that?” you cock your head to the side teasingly.

Changbin scoffs and leans in again but you get interrupted by jisung.

“hey, we-oh” you whip your head around.

Jisungs frown turns into a grin “uh” he chuckles “we dont mean to interrupt but chan hyung texted minho and they’re going to your place” he points at you.

“ugh, seriously?” you mutter.

“I’m sleeping at minhos so, hyung you’ll have our place to yourself” he winks at changbin.

“so, we’re out too, have fun you guys” minho waves teasingly as jisung drags him away.

For a second you stare after them, until a gentle squeeze at your waist makes you turn around again.

“you could come over to my place if you don’t want to go to yours right now” he offers, eyes flickering to your lips when you bite at your lower one.

-

This is usually like not you, letting some guy you barely know take you home.

But here you are the next morning, looking up at the ceiling, changbins room flooded with daylight.

You sit up and look at the still unconscious changbin next to you. His blanket had fallen down and exposes his toned torso, barely covering his private parts.

A tingle forms in your lower abdomen when you think of what happened here a few hours ago.

But you pull yourself together and start looking around for your clothes.

You spot your bra on his desk and your skirt and shoes on the floor, gently shimmying out from underneath the blanket; you grab your skirt and slide it on without your panties, not being able to find them anywhere.

Right as you clasp your bra behind your back, changbins morning voice makes you flinch “you would’ve just snuck out?” he grumbles, rubbing his eyes as you look back at him.

“what? did you take me for a breakfast lover?” you quip as you slide into your shoes, looking around for your shirt.

“damn, that’s cold” he chuckles lowly, sitting up and watching you stride around his room.

“where did you put my shirt?” you ask, bending down to look under his desk.

“maybe you should worry about your panties first” he snickers, eyes glued to your core when you look back at him.

You kiss your teeth and straighten up quickly, having forgotten about your lack of underwear.

“not that that wasn’t a great view just now-“

“you’re not helping” you interrupt him, eyes lighting up when you spot your shirt in the hallway.

“why so serious all over sudden?” he grins “last night you were everything but tense”

You scoff as you pull your shirt over your head and stuff it into your skirt before grabbing your purse and phone.

“I have an exam in 2 days and I haven’t studied yet” you exhale.

“I could drive you home-“ he runs a hand through his messy hair.

“I’ll call a cab, uhm- thanks for last night” you hurriedly smile before walking out.

“bye” changbin calls after you, frowning and dropping back down onto his bed when he hears the door shut behind you “have a nice day I guess” he mumbles to himself.

 October

You cling your jacket closer to your body as you walk through the howling wind the seasonal change had brought with it.

When you arrive at lias faculty building you take out your phone to see if she texted you about when her lecture would be over.

lia : hey babe, chris took me to his place -received at 4:17 pm

You roll your eyes, typical you think.

you : are you serious? you begged me to walk home with you -sent at 4:25 pm

You see her the little blue bubble pop up, indicating that she’s writing a message.

lia : im sorry!! please don’t be mad, he surprised me :((( -received at 4:25 pm

You scoff and turn off your phone before slipping it in your coats pocket alongside your hands. Typical, you think, ever since that night at the club the two of them have become inseparable and lia cancelling on you had become a regular thing. You are happy for her but you also miss your friend.

“y/n?” a familiar voice calls after you right as you start to walk away, you freeze and turn around.

“yea?- oh” you swallow harshly when you see changbin walk your way.

“hey” he smiles brightly and you have to bite back a grin at the cute beanie he’s sporting alongside his slightly red nose due to the cold weather.

“hi” you smile timidly.

“you never texted” he tilts his head at which you nod.

“yea, sorry I actually never got your number” you look at the ground “uh- what are you doing here?”

“oh um im on my way to the studio” he points at a nearby building “that’s the music faculty”

“ah okay, well” you lock eyes “have fun then” you turn around again, ready to walk away.

“hey” he catches up with you “you wanna join me? check out some of our new stuff?” he burries his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.

“I don’t know, changbin I really don’t want to date right now-“ you start at which he chuckles.

“I didn’t ask you to marry me” he stops in his tracks, grinning when you do as well, locking eyes “come on, I just need an unbiased opinion on some new tracks” he tilts his head.

You inhale before looking around you “I could drive you home after? So you don’t have to walk through this weather?” he offers, raising his brows at which you purse your lips.

“alright” you give in, changbin smiles and extends his elbow for you to hold.

You simper and coyly hook your hand around his arm as the two of you start walking.

-

“this is awesome!” you point to his laptop a minute after he played the first song for you.

Changbin grins bashfully and leans back into his desk chair “you think?”

“yea, the hook is super catchy” you bob your head as his eyes fix on your profile “you’re really talented, changbin” you catch him blushing before putting on another song.

After a few other songs, he takes off his headphones when you take off yours.

“can I ask you something?” he asks, you glance at him.

“you just did” you quip at which he huffs, “sure” you nod.

“how much of that night do you remember?” he fiddles with one of the rings on his left hand.

“why?” you ask back.

“well, you seemed really upset the next morning so I got kind of scared that you didn’t actually want it and I kind of took advantage of you” he recalls the night the two of you spent together.

“oh, no. you didn’t take advantage of me, I wasn’t even  drunk and I would’ve told you if I had changed my mind or something. That was just the first time I ever spent the night at a guys house for a one night stand” you absently pick off some fuzzies from your jeans.

“plus I had just come out of a relationship so I was a little too emotional anyways” you chuckle.

“alright” changbin nods “just wanted to make sure” he smiles down at his hands “cause I remember all of it”

You whip your head, scoffing when you see him with a shit eating grin on his face.

“hm” you feign ignorance as you lean back “I don’t know, there wasn’t a lot to remember” you grin mischievously.

He laughs out loud, leaning forwards “no?”

You shake your head, pursing your lips comically “nah”

“cause I remember you shaking and screaming” he grins.

You shrug your shoulders “weird, must’ve faked it” you deadpan, fiddling with the headphones you’re still holding.

Changbins tongue prods on the inside of his cheek, huffing when he catches you grinning.

“right” he grins slumping into his seat a little further.

A thought flashes in your head when your gaze drops to his crotch and thick thighs, you swallow some spit in frustration as you feel your core getting hotter.

He was right, the night was amazing, maybe that was even part of the reason you stormed out the way you did.

You clench your thighs for some relief, anything really.

“want me to refresh your memory?” your eyes jump up to meet his, you open your mouth but nothing comes out; do you want him to?

Yes. Yes you do.

So, you get up and straddle him on his chair: his hands instantly gripping at your hips, pulling you closer.

“someones eager” he grins, pushing some of your hair behind your ear.

“shut up” you whisper before crashing your lips onto his.

Changbin groans when you tug at his hair, inviting you to slip your tongue in between his lips and grind your hips over his crotch.

He hisses before propping himself up on one armrest and holding your lower back with the other as he stands up; you squeal but he holds you before sitting you back down on the desk, next to his laptop.

“now who’s eager” you grin when his hands find the waistband of your leggings and tug them down with your panties in one.

He huffs as he bunches your leggings and panties around your ankles before slipping underneath the fabric barrier and inbetween your legs.

“by the looks of it..” he runs a finger through your wet folds “still you” he quips before pushing one finger in without warning.

You moan, you head dropping back onto the hard wooden surface.

“look at me” changbin orders as a second finger prods at your entrance, you whimper but prop yourself up on your elbows.

He curls the two fingers and pumps them almost violently, the palm of his hand smacking your clit with every pump.

“oh god-“ you yelp, your eyes scrunching together as your hips buck up.

“its changbin but god is fine too” he quips as he lowers his head, you curse at him, even though you have to laugh a little.

“you’re so annoy-ah!” you cry out because suddenly his tongue is lapping over your swollen clit, sucking on it forcefully when you claw one hand into his already messed up dark locks.

“fuck-bin- gonna cum” your hips stutter and you feel the pleasure that’s blooming in your tummy is getting ready to snap.

“mmh” he humms against you “cum then, baby” he moans, knowing full well what the added vibrations are doing to your body when your chest arches and your mouth drops open.

Your cries fill the studio as you clamp down on his fingers; he rides your through your high, holding down your hips with his unoccupied hand because you squirm with the euphoria that’s filling your veins.

“good girl” he mumbles, removing his fingers from you before bringing them up to your lips “now, suck them clean for me, yea?” he grins, lips and chin shiny with your cum.

-

“finally” you huff when arriving at 3rachas lounge in a club out of town; where they had just performed “this club is huge” you breathe, jisung scooting and changbin letting you squeeze past him to take a seat in between them as they chuckle.

Lia and chan already lost in their own world again as she drags him to the dancefloor, squealing when chan teasingly squeezes her sides as they disappear into the crowd.

“they are made for each other” minho sighs, sitting down and giving jisung the second beer from his hands.

“I know right” you lean back, breathing in.

“you’re still out of breath?” changbin laughs at you at which you hit his arm.

“stop it, oh my god” you feign annoyance “you know how exhausting it is to dodge beer bottles and not loose lia? she’s like a Chihuahua, I swear, you loose her once and its over” you chuckle, jisung and minho laughing too.

“you just don’t have any endurance, woman” changbin grins teasingly.

“that’s so not true” you laugh incredulously “what about two nights ago-“

“AH-“ jisung interrupts you, placing his hands over his ears “please spare us your sex stories, I hear enough of that when you’re over, babe”

You huff and changbins cheeks turn red.

“you guys are fucking?” minho asks, eyebrows raised as he takes a swing of his beer.

“good job keeping up, baby” jisung pats his boyfriends thigh teasingly at which he tsks at him.

“are you together or what?” minho props his elbow on the table to support his chin with his hand as he looks at the two of you expectantly.

“no, we’re not” you chuckle somewhat uncomfortably before looking over at changbin who just grins awkwardly.

“just here to be a good friend and keep the groupies away” you joke “right?” you nudge changbin with your elbow at which he nods swiftly, looking down again.

“yea, baby don’t be so old fashioned” jisung teases his boyfriend who just rolls his eyes playfully.

“speaking of groupies” minho mutters, spotting a group of girls just before they approach the lounge.

“hey jisungie, you wanna dance?” a pretty blonde girl bats her eyelashes as she leans down a bit to expose more of her cleavage, making jisung grin.

“baby, you’re gorgeous but I’m very gay” he nods apologetically, “Oh” she straightens up “really? You sure?”

You and changbin have to bite back a laugh when jisung nods again “very sure, thanks though, for coming”

She shrugs and looks at changbin “what about you? Wanna dance?”

“uh-“ changbin starts but you cut him off “he’s with me actually” you tilt your head.

“for real?” she stems her hands into her hips as she looks back at her posse, scoffing.

“yea” changbin loops his strong arm around your waist and pulls you closer to him “that’s my girl, so a little respect, please”

“aww” you coo dramatically as you play along, putting your hand on his jaw to turn his head towards you before you lock lips.

“whatever” you faintly hear the girls voice get quieter when changbin slips his tongue in between your lips.

“they’re gone” you hear minho but changbin pulls your legs to dangle over one of his thighs as he grips your waist.

“guys” jisungs voice only registers in the back of your head when changbin sucks at your bottom lip and you run your fingers through the hair on the back of his head.

“can I get you some more beers?” the waitresses voice pulls the both of you out of your trance as you break the kiss abruptly.

Jisung laughs, shaking his head at the both of you before turning to the waitress “we’ll take a round of shots I think”

  November

 “fuck-harder” you gasp “..mhh binnie-shit” you moan while changbin pounds into you from behind, gripping your hip tighter with one of his hands; the other one migrating up your back to gather the legth of your hair, twisting them before he pulls at their root.

You groan when you feel your hair getting pulled back, neck stretching as he picks up his pace.

“like this? fuck you love this don’t you?” he breaths ragged, but you can hear the dirty smirk that lingers on his lips every time you have rough sex..

You moan out loudly when he releases your hair and pushes your torso down onto the mattress, your hand pulling at the sheets , needing something to grip and release the pleasure.

“fuck- answer me, slut” he grunts and delivers a harsh slap to your ass.

You cry out “yes-yes-fuck-love it” you desperately gasp as he leans down to you, earning a low chuckle which sends shivers down your back.

His lips latch onto your shoulder blade and start sucking on the skin until a purple mark blooms under his lips.

“fuck” you let out a strangled yell when the hand on your hip makes its way to your front and he started circling your clit with his fingers, the pace and firmness matching his thrusts.

You cry out for him as you clench furiously around his cock “that’s a good girl” he whispers, only letting go of your clit when you flinch in overstimulation.

“cum for me- fuck baby, cum for me and let the others know who’s fucking you this good” he rasps in your ear. Not 5 seconds later, your orgasm ripples through you and you would’ve collapsed completely if he wasn’t holding you up.

You’re still panting when both of his hands go back on your hips and push them down, laying you flat on the mattress before he picks up his pace again with his last left strength to reach his own high.

“shit- y/n“ he grunts when you tighten around him again and you feel him filling the condom with some drawn out groans and a sharp hiss.

After a few seconds of nothing but heavy breathing filling the room, he pulls out and falls next to you on his bed.

You wince at the soreness that’s already presenting itself when you turn around on your back, looking over to him; you watch as he ties a knot in the condom and throws it into the trash next to his desk.

“kobe!” he exclaims gleefully at his perfect throw before looking back at you to see if you saw.

“jesus christ why am I sleeping with you” you hold your hands over your face, hating the fact that it made you laugh.

He gasps, feigning to be offended “that’s not how you speak to the guy that just made you cum three times”

“you are so full of yourself, seo changbin” you shake your head amusedly as you sit up.

“wait, I’ll clean you up” changbin is quick to rise from his comfortable position to grab some tissues from his nightstand.

“come here” he mumbles, gently urging you to lie back down before carefully wiping your own cum off your inner thighs and mound.

You watch him as he gently moves to wipe the tissue over your puffy folds, your hips jumping a little when he accidentally passes your clit.

“sorry” he grins, pressing a kiss to your angled knee; at which you feel your heart lurch forward a bit.

Woah, wait.

You’ve been seeing changbin just for sex for almost two months now, you’ve even gone with him other performances and after parties to keep groupies away and be his arm candy and never has your heart done this.

Mayday. Abort mission.

“should be good for now” changbin shrugs, shooting you a sweet smile before turning away from you to also get rid of the tissues.

You use the opportunity to shuffle to the side of his bed and slip on your panties before grabbing your bra.

“hey, you wanna leave already?” changbin asks “I thought we could hang” he tucks his hand under his head as you look back at him, clipping your bra closed “watch a movie or something”

“sorry, I promised lia I’d help her clean the apartment today” you lie, surprisingly quick, before pulling your hoodie over your head.

“so you’re just gonna fuck me and leave again?” he jokes dramatically “I don’t even get cuddles?”

“shut up” you chuckle.

“am I nothing more to you than a pretty piece of meat?” he continues as you slip into your jeans, rolling your eyes playfully.

“a toy you use when you need stress relief??” he holds his chest dramatically.

You step into your shoes and raise your brows at him.

“are you complaining?” you ask playfully.

“nahh” he pulls his covers over his abs as he watches you grab your jacket from his desk chair.

"At least give me a 'gopdbye, thanks for the bomb dick, kiss" He grins when you scoff at him. So, you lean over him and press a quick peck to his lips; he whines playfully when you lean back up again, sitting up and catching your lips with his roughly once more.

“alright, see ya” you shrug."

And shit, your heart does it again. What are you doing?

You break the kiss and ruffle through his hair.

“ugh” he huffs annoyedly, fixing his hair “I hope you have trouble walking” he quips as you go for the door.

“I’ll text you if I don’t” you wink at him before closing his door, leaning against it from the outside and closing your eyes.

“fuck” you whisper to yourself before making your way through the guys apartment.

“don’t break his heart, y/n” minhos voie comes from behind as you twist the doorknob.

“huh?” you trun around to look at him, he’s wearing a shirt that you know to be jisungs so he must be staying over.

“I’ve known changbin for a while, he seems tough but he’s a softie deep down” he crosses his arms over his chest “he hurts easier than you think”

“we- we’re both not in this for anything serious” you stammer “what do you mean?”

“I see the way he looks at you, y/n” minho smiles softly “I’m not telling you how to live your life, just, be honest with him… and yourself for that matter” he quirks one brow up, smiling before disappearing around the corner.

 -

 You squint your eyes as you’re trying to make out the label of the cereal boxes in the upper shelves, looking back at your phone you check to see what brand lia had texted you about so you don’t accidentally buy the wrong thing.

“fuck” you mumble when you see her desired cereal at the top of the shelf, so you reach up but to no avail.

“y/n?” you lower your heels to the floor again before turning around to see…

“hyunjin?” you face drops in awe.

“hey!” the tall young man smiles widely, opening his arms and inviting you to a hug.

“wow, hi” you hug him back.

Damn, what happened to him? The last time you saw him was before he moved away in 10th grade.

You used to be good friends with him, or, well, the freakishly skinny and lanky highschool version of him you met in dance class.

By the feel of it, even through the trenchcoat he’s wearing, you can tell he’s bulked up quite a bit.

After letting go of him, you cant help but stare.

His acne had cleared up and his brown hair is chin length with the top parts pulled back into a little pony tail, leaving some face framing strands in the front.

“wow- you look-“ you blink a few times to make sure you’re not dreaming “…really good, hyunjin”

He smiles on the ground, his pretty plump lips parting to reveal beautiful pearly whites which used to be covered by braces.

“so do you” he grins.

“no- I mean you look… good-good” you splutter, laughing awkwardly “like what are you a model now or something?”

“actually, yea- part time” he chuckles.

“oh” you huff  “wow of course” you shake your head laughingly, blushing furiously when he doesn’t break eye contact.

“so- uhm” you gulp, making him grin even wider “what are you doing here?”

“I’m transferring here” he nods “better dance programme” he explains shortly.

“oh you still dance” you observe out loud “I haven’t danced in a while” you look down.

“you should come by after practice sometime” he offers “to catch up- or dance if you want” he giggles, a little dimple appearing on his left cheek.

“yea, I’d love that” you smile, nodding before he takes out his phone.

“put in your number, I’ll text you” he smiles softly when holding it out to you.

“mhm” you agree, saving your number in his phone and trying not to think about him staring at you the whole time.

“alright well” he checks his phone for the time, you guess “I gotta get going, only came here for this” he chuckles, holding up a carton of milk that you, weirdly enough, haven’t noticed until now.

“alright” you nod before he moves in for a hug again.

“bye” he smiles when loosening his arms again.

“bye” you mumble, staring at the back of his perfect head as he walks away.

You were about to pull out your phone and rant to lia about what just happened, when he stops in his tracks and turns around.

“almost forgot” he grins, reaching up and getting your cereal from the top shelf; winking when he places it in your hands, your body freezing.

“bye” he grins, walking away before you could thank him.

-

 You had taken hyunjin up on his offer and met him in the dance studio after class where he showed you some of his contemporary pieces before you made your way to the popular coffee shop on campus together.

“-no seriously the second piece was my favourite I think, but they were all amazing!” you smile up at him at which he shakes his head cutely.

“can you stop complimenting me, y/n I’m getting all nervous” he laughs softly.

“oh please” you quip “with your talent and looks I would think nothing could make you nervous” you roll your eyes playfully.

Hyunjin huffs, opening the coffee shops door for you “you can” he says softly as you walk past him, you turn around to him to see him blush a litte but diverting his eyes to the big menu above the counter.

Did he just flirt with you? No, you must be tripping.

You look around to see only two other people sitting in one of the booths together, the cold must keep most people home, you think before hyunjin gently pulls at your sleeve to get your attention.

“what do you want?” he asks, the barista looking at you expectantly.

“uhm- a hot chocolate please” you say, reaching in your purse to get your wallet.

“I’ll take the same” hyunjin smiles politely, giving the barista money.

“on me” he smiles down at you.

“oh, thank you” you smile sheepishly, letting go of your purse again.

Once your hot chocolates are ready, you sit down in one of the booths, hyunjin sliding in to sit across from you.

“I was back home last week before I came here, you’ll never guess who I met” hyunjin grins.

“who?” you ask curiously.

“tim” he grins.

“tim?�� your eyes almost pop out of your head “as in my first boyfriend tim?” you laugh, holding your hand to your face incredulously.

“but he moved away as well?” you half ask.

“yea he said he was visiting his grandparents, but guess the best part” hyunjin bites his lip

“what?” you chuckle.

“he got a nose job” hyunjin bites back a laugh when you gasp surprisedly “really?”

“one word” hyunjin says “botched…”

“aw no, poor tim” you frown, looking down at your hot drink as memories from back in the day come back to you.

“he always used to put his hand up my shirt when hugging” you frown, making hyunjin laugh.

“it was 9th grade y/n what did you expect?” you scoff at his rethorical question.

“I don’t know, some basic manners maybe?” you counter playfully…slowly letting the conversation die down as you both take sips from your cocoa.

“how come we never dated?” he asks softly after aminute of silence, looking up at you.

“we were friends?” you chuckle awkwardly.

“come on” hyunjin sits back in his booth “you must’ve known I had the biggest crush on you”

“you did?” you almost launch forwards in your seat, making hyunjin laugh.

“well, I guess you didn’t know then” he giggles, hiding his face in his hands embarrassedly.

“anyways, I would’ve paid good money to be able to slip my hand up your shirt” he jokes, cheeks reddening when you laugh.

“I honestly liked you a lot back then” you say “if you would’ve said something we might’ve actually gone out” you shrug gently.

“damn, way to rub that in my face” hyunjin grins.

You hold his eye contact for a few seconds before you feel your blood rushing to your cheeks again, quickly lifting up your mug to take a sip and partly cover your face.

When you put your mug back down, hyunjin grins widely, mumbling a “cute” before slowly bringing his hand to your chin and gently swiping his thumb over your top lip where a foam mustache had formed.

You gulp when he swiftly sucks the foam off his thumb, your eyes darting from his eyes to his lips.

When he notices, he leans over, slowly as if scared to overwhelm you.

That’s when minhos words pop up in the back of your head.

“be honest with him, and yourself for that matter”

But you aren’t together, and hyunjin is great and you want to kiss him but you know it would be wrong.

However, before you know it his lips are on yours and you’re not doing anything to stop him.

They are soft and inviting and you let him swipe his tongue over the seam of your lips, but then the little doorbell rings and you hear lias voice, followed by a male one before they abruptly stop, making you pull away abruptly.

Oh.

There they are, lia, chan, jisung and changbin; looking at you.

“y/n” lia grins widely, approaching your table “aren’t you gonna introduce us?” she squeals, hyunjin clears his throat and sits back down.

The three guys hesitantly follow lia when-

“woah- hyunjin?” chan speaks up.

“chan-hyung?” hyunjin gets up from his place to receive a hug from the older one as your eyes divert to changbin who is looking at the ground.

You aren’t together. Then why do you feel so guilty and why does he look so disappointed.

“he’s cute, girl” jisung grinningly interrupts your daydreaming, nodding towards chan and hyunjin who are still talking.

You force out a smile.

“how do you two know each other?” lia asks curiously.

“he went to my highschool, the last few years” chan grins.

“what a coincidence” you mumble, almost ironically.

“I went to highschool with y/n too, the first couple years though, then I moved away” hyunjin explains “oh, im sorry, I’m hyunjin by the way” he turns to jisung and changbin.

“I’m jisung, this is changbin” jisung smiles, pointing at his grumpy friend.

“I’m lia” lia grins “his girlfriend and her best friend” she points at chan before snuggling up to you, giggling.

Jesus, woman where do you get the energy? Is what you want to ask but you just flash another forced smile, hoping this moment will pass quickly.

“where were you guys?” you change the topic, hoping changbin would maybe look at you if you spoke up.

“oh, I caught them all huddled up in the studio” lia grins “they probably haven’t been outside in a week again” she giggles.

“true” jisung quips.

“hey lets all sit down” hyunjin suggests.

“I’ll get a coffee” changbin mumbles, walking back to the counter.

You usher lia to make way for you to get out of the booth, following him.

“bin” you stand next to him as he looks up at the menu but he ignores you.

“you could at least acknowledge my presence, your highness” you quip annoyedly.

“what do you want me to say, y/n?” he mutters.

“I didn’t know this would happen with him or I would’ve told you” you say, looking back at the other four talking and laughing in the booth.

“we’re not together y/n, you’ve made that very clear; if you wanna kiss lord farquaad go ahead, I’m not stopping you” he looks over to the booth as well.

“jesus christ” you huff “why are you so defensive then?”

“hi” changbin greets the barista who just came from the back “I’ll have an iced coffee to go, please” he orders.

“the world doesn’t revolve around you y/n, maybe I’m having a bad day” he answers when the barista makes his way to the coffee machines, you feel a lump from in your throat.

“yea, well thanks for making mine bad as well” you turn on your heels to join the others, hyunjin sees you coming back and scooches to make some space for you next to him.

You smile and thank him quietly when he also gives you your mug.

“everything alright?” he asks quietly, as to not disturb the others conversation.

“yea, just had to ask him some stuff” you smile at which he smiles back, turning back to the others.

After a minute changbin approaches the booth with his iced coffee “hey, I’ll run back to the studio I gotta finish that track”

“ugh, changbin I just dragged you out of there, stay for a second” lia protests and jisung nods along.

“nah, gotta get it done tonight” he shakes his head.

“alight see you later” chan nods.

“nice to meet you, man” hyunjin says, nodding at him as well.

“yea” changbin answers tight-lipped before walking out.

 December

”I’m sorry, hyunjin” you frown “I’m just not ready for a relationship after what happened with my ex-“

“its alright y/n” his large hand encases yours “you don’t have to explain yourself to me”

You sigh in relief “I’m sorry I tried to rush things, it just, seemed to good to be true to find you here and everything” he says.

“but I’ll wait for you, if that’s what you want” he looks up at you.

“oh, jinnie you shouldn’t have to do that” you shake your head “I’m sure there are great girls out there who are emotionally ready to be with you”

“yea, but you’re the girl I want to be with” he says softly and your heart shatters into pieces because you’re not sure he’s the guy you want to be with.

-

You fight yourself through the crowd at 3rachas last performance of the year, at the same venue where you met them for the first time. Just like the time before, chan makes sure lia, hyunjin, minho and you are able to come backstage.

“I’m excited to see you perform, man” hyunjin grins at chan, patting his shoulder “your stuff was already dope back then…” they continue speaking as you enter their dressing room.

Jisung greets his boyfriend as you and lia sit down on the leather couch.

Changbin is standing in front of the mirror, fixing his hair before his eyes lock with yours through the mirror, but he just diverts them to chan who’s grabbing a beer for hyunjin and himself, you guess.

“did you have to invite him?” changbin semi-whispers to the older one, nodding at hyunjin, chan just frowns confusedly,making changbin shake his head and walk out.

You look at hyunjin who is talking to minho and jisung, and doesn’t seem to have heard changbin. So, you get up to follow him out but lia holds your wrist “y/n you cant keep running after him” she hisses.

“he cant keep treating me like im invisible, I just want to clear the air” you free your arm and walk out to see changbin almost at the end of the corridor, walking out of a heavy door which, you think leads outside.

After reaching the door you open it to find him outside, leaning against the brick wall of the building, looking down at his phone.

The cold air hits your skin and you shiver, only wearing a top and some jeans since its warm in the club.

Changbin notices you and looks up “what do you want, y/n?” he asks.

“that was real classy back there” you comment, holding your arms to your body to preserve some warmth. Changbin huffs, unfazed as he looks back at his phone “whatever, y/n”

“no, not whatever bin” you step closer to him “he asked me to date him” his head shoots up and you lock eyes, for a second they are soft in the way they look into yours but something changes and they turn mean when he speaks again.

“so? that’s a you proplem” he shrugs.

“its not a problem at all, he’s sweet and loving and cares about me but for some reason im standing here, hoping that you’ll give me a reason to not be with him” you feel your throat closing up with anger mixed with confusion when he starts chuckling.

“you’re not serious are you?” he squints and your heart drops, tears pooling at your lashline.

“of course not, I couldn’t expect someone as stubborn and- and comunicationally incompetent like you to understand anything about feelings” you turn on your heels when a teardrop rolls down your cheek.

A hand wraps itself around your wrist, making you turn back “I’ve wanted to be with you since that moment in the club where you kissed me infront of all these girls. It was always you who was stubborn y/n, you never wanted to spend anymore time with me other than fucking” he snaps at you, taking a breather to start another sentence but you cut him off.

“-then why didn’t you say anything?” you ask quietly and he looks down.

“because- fuck” he lets go of your wrist “I didn’t want to scare you away, you in my bed was better than no you at all. But then fucking prince charming appears out of no where and sweeps you off your feet-”

“but I don’t want prince charming I want you” you blurt out, tears now streaming down your face, making him take a step back as his eyes soften.

“then why didn’t you say anything?” a small smile tugs at his lips as he closes the distance between you, gently running his hands up your arms, feeling the goosebumps brought on by the cold.

You huff, looking down and watching one of your teardrops melting a tiny hole into the snow before looking back up “because I’m stubborn and comunicationally incompetent” you sniffle “and stupid apparently” 

A grin spreads over changbins face as his hands cradle your cheeks, wiping your tears away with his thumbs “so, you wanna be stubborn and stupid together?” he whispers, locking eyes with you.

You press your lips together, trying to keep yourself from sobbing even more as you nod.

He chuckles softly ”you can stop crying now, baby” at which you nod beathing in shakily but smiling when he pushes some hair out of your face.

“can you kiss me now please” you sniffle whiningly, huffing in a laugh when he pulls a face.

“i dont know babe, you’re a little snotty right now-” he jokes.

“shut up” you hit him, chuckling when he pulls you even closer by your waist and gently connects his lips with yours.

A soft wind blows through your hair and you loop your arms around his neck even tighter, deepening the kiss at which he moans, holding your waist tighter to his body.

The door creaks open and “are you guys finally together?” minhos voice makes you break the kiss.

“yea” you grin when jisung comes out after his boyfriend.

“nice” he grins, nodding at you.

“yea yea nice, beautiful love whatever, hyung we’re up, lets go” jisung rambles, laughing and running back inside when changbin pretends to hit him, minho shaking his head and following him.

“you’ll watch me yea?” your boyfriend grins at you, taking your hand and planting a kiss on the back of it.

“from the front row, baby”

-

a/n: omg im finally done wth this took me so long yall, i started writing this sin september (which is why the fic starts in september as well lol) sorry about the winterly feelings i’m pushing onto you in the end but last week it literally snowed where i live so i was like uh?!?!?!? okay lets write some snowy shit, global warming ftw i guess....anyways i hope u liked it pls leave some feedback and/or ur favourite part ig lol i would appreciate it alot <33 (not proofred yet oopsie)

---

taglist: @kpopscape​ @oopsie-whats-this​ @zhaqifa​ @synnocence​ @changlix-mp4​ + some besties who always inspire me wether they know it or not😭 @bangtantaegi @hanflix @bruh-changbin @hyunyin @yyxgin @hyunsluvv @unstableskzstan @violethhj @missskzbiased @cartierbin @dom--minnie

[dream-journalism]

journal entry | 3-10-20 | regarding shifting

I feel like i’ve been close to shifting these past two days (like really close), especially the day before yesterday. I think that if I’d been persistent and resisted scratching my side (it was too much I was dying) maybe I would’ve been able to do it.

Unfortunately last night was a bit of a mess and didn’t go as well as it had before; I tried some new methods involving songs, but youtube ads had this really funny idea of wanting to completely take me out of the experience and then Spotify also did me dirty by automatically playing more songs than I had queued (and no, the queue wasn’t looped, so it wasn't that either). The setbacks made me feel super frustrated, which obviously didn’t help, so I decided to keep giving those methods a try some other day and went back to using the raven and sunni method combination, which (as I mentioned in a previous post) has so far worked the best for me and shown me the most progress. 

Now, there’s two aspects of this that I want to explore, firstly it’s why I think I’m getting close, what have I noticed that changed? What’s different? What am I doing right? And the second one is why I feel like I haven't shifted yet, what am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

-

As for what I’m doing right, I feel like the Raven/Sunni method combination is working the best and most efficiently, and think I should stick to that one until I manage to learn how to shift with ease before trying something else and risking setting back or stalling my progress the way I did last night.

Now, there are a couple of reasons why I think I’m getting close: the symptoms have been coming way easier and more persistently than they did the first few days. The first few days that I started trying to shift I only seemed to get to a point of meditation and stopped there, which is great, it helped me concentrate and focus on visualizing, so that felt like a good first step, but recently, I’ve gotten past that and actually felt a bit different.

I’m going to talk a little bit about the symptoms that I’ve felt in more detail, mostly because I feel like most people who talk about them just say “dizziness, feeling like you’re floating” which, yes, that is what it feels like but personally for me, sometimes its hard to just base everything off of one word, because to me, there are different kinds of “dizzy”, for example.

Now, because I know these symptoms aren’t necessarily something that everyone experiences, but they seem to be the most common and generally accepted ones, as well as the ones that I have personally experienced so far and I will list them. They are in no particular order, since they all happen but don’t seem to have particular pattern in which I experience them.

Floating

This one is a bit confusing for me, not in the literal sense of the word, but it sort of overlaps with Detachment. The closest thing I can compare it to is when you’re swimming and you just completely relax your arm in the surface of the water and it’s, well floating.

I like to think of it as air fairies holding my arm up so it doesn’t fall through the mattress, I sort of stop feeling the sheets of my bed and the cold air of my AC, it’s this sort of just neutral feeling. In general, it’s just very relaxing. However it is with this symptom that I personally have the most trouble dealing with because as I start feeling it, at first its just calm and comforting, but after a few minutes, I start to get itchy spots (mostly in my legs and torso, which are the worst for me personally) and I have to concentrate really hard not to scratch them or think about them.

Dizziness

I felt dizzy, but it was a strange sort of dizzy. I’m anemic so, I’m pretty familiar with bed-dizziness, and for a second, I thought it was just that, but, it felt different. Instead of it being like everything around me was moving, it felt like I was the one moving. My back was still to the bed but it felt as if I was standing and the mattress was behind me. And yes, the world around me does move a little bit, though its not painfully disorienting, it just feels sort of like when you get off of a trampoline, or done a lot of exercise a lot and your legs make the ground feel wobbly, but in my head.

Detachment

I don’t know if this is what people call but the best way I can describe it is feeling detached from my body, something similar to disassociating (if you know what that feels like). To me, it feels the way a 3D movie without glasses looks, off kilter, like my body is the red and I am the blue. When I say I, I mean my brain, my soul, my essence, whatever you’d like to call it, but thats what it feels like. They’re not quite separated from one another yet, like in a 3D movie, they’re still touching, but they’re definitely out of phase.

The most noticeable parts for me are the arms, sometimes they feel a bit shorter for my actual, physical arms (which makes sense, since I did script that I start at a younger age in my DR) and they want to move forwards and reach for what I’m visualizing in front of me. The only thing that has stopped me from actually doing this (re: reaching out) is that a lot of different elements are still the same (i can still feel my sheets, i can still hear my AC running, etc.) and I don’t want to break concentration until I’m sure 100% I’ve shifted.

Other Symptoms

Some other symptoms that I’ve been feeling (but honestly I don’t think too much of them for a couple of reasons) are seeing Angel Numbers and Migraines /Headaches. Now why am I talking about these separately? Because they don’t particularly mean anything to me, but they are listed as some of the most common symptoms you experience during the day when you’re close to shifting (but not necessarily attempting).

Migranes/Headaches are something I experience quite often, it’s just something that runs in my family and my caffeine addiction doesn't help at all, so even though I had one throughout the entire day yesterday (the day after I have felt the closest ever to shifting), I don’t want to get my hopes up about it, since it’s not an uncommon thing to happen to me, however, it is still worth noting (if this is something you experience though, and it doesn’t happen to you often, then I’d probably take it as a sign that you’re close! Hooray!)

And as for Angel Numbers, they’re something that I’ve been seeing a lot of in these past two-three days (of course, when I say “a lot” I mean once a day or so.) I don’t count the Angel Numbers I see on my fyp on Tik Tok for example, because it makes sense to me that I’d see them on posts regarding Shifting Realities because those feel a bit like cheating, of course I’d see them under that particular topic. Though not gonna lie, I’m a little bit of a skeptic when it comes to Angel Numbers (I know i shouldn’t be but i just can’t help it), but it doesn't take away the fact that I HAVE been seeing them

-

Now that I have the positives down and the changes I’ve felt identified, I want to focus on why I think I haven’t shifted yet. Other than the fact that yesterday all the shifting setbacks really threw me off from the progress I thought I had made, it made me feel really frustrated and I feel like that negative thinking and feeling carried on with me until I fell asleep, which is never good, so I need to stay positive, and I think I will, now that I’ve mulled it over, so that should be good.

I’ve also had a really busy week so I’ve been super distracted in general and haven't been able to prepare as well as I would’ve liked for the Sunni method, but I’m going to try to get some preparation in before I go to bed, and since I can sleep in tomorrow, I won't feel as much pressure. I hope that’ll give me the last little push that I need to shift.

-

As of writing this, its 11pm and I’m going to prepare as best I can for the Sunni method before I wash off and then go to sleep. Hopefully today will be the day, and if not, I hope it’ll be soon.

[stardust-static]

I have exciting news!!

I just got my letter in the mail saying that I'm approved for the bariatric surgery in October. I'm so excited!!!!!! My doctor is supposed to call me with the exact date. Finallyyy!!!!!!

All that sleep study nonsense with my other surgeon? Was totally not required. This surgeon was like "yeah that has nothing to do with this. You're done with your requirements and ready to go" i was pissed that she wasted two months of my time and intended to waste a whole other month as well, but I am greatful I was switched over to this surgeon and he seems a lot more accessible and I can have a conversation with him without being brushed off.

My whole life is about to change, but I'm so ready!

This month I'm going to spend detoxing from diet coke. Which is my weakness. A part of me wants to savor it while I can, but I need to stop. I can't drink soda anymore or alchohol. Alchohol isn't really a problem. Gives me a tummy ache and makes me sleepy, and I very rarely drink anyway. There's also a lot of people in my family who have struggled with alchohol addiction. My mom recently went through this and has come out finally that she's been struggling with alchohol addiction now for years when everything came to a head at the beginning of the year.. She was in denial about it for years and passed off her strange behavior on other things.. One night some months back i got a scary call and she ended up being hospitalized because she drank way too much. She was getting worse and worse at hiding it. We had an intervention of sorts and she vowed not to drink at all anymore and she got the help she needed. I'm very proud of her.. I've been thinking of never drinking again as an act of solidarity for the people in my life who have struggled with alchohol addiction. Not that I enjoy drinking anyway, so it would be very easy for me to cut out completely. The occasional margarita at my inlaws or malibu w/ pineapple juice are as crazy as I get these days. I can't even drink wine anymore because it always gives me a horrendous migrane. Diet coke will actually be the difficult thing for me. I crave it. It's so bad for me though, so it's a vice I'm going to have to cut out. I do plan on doing things this month that I won't be able to do anymore. There's a night market with a bunch of food trucks I've always wanted to go to. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna eat all you can eat sushi one last time, and I think thats it... I might even bake a couple desserts I've always wanted to make.

Ahh! I'm so ready for this though. I cannot wait!😁

[theprincessserenity]

I love you all

I’m kind of new to Tumblr. I thought it would be a good Idea to catalog everything that happened at RTX and my life changing experience at the 2nd RWBY Panel. My name is Serenity, Serena for short. And I had the greatest day when the people I idolized and admired gave me a hug after I told them my story...and what followed after will be with me for the rest of my life. I love you guys...if its TLDR just skip to Day 3.

Day 1

This was the hardest day for me, I have some pretty bad social anxiety to the point its hard for me to go grocery shopping alone. So being among a bunch of strangers and I mean tons of strangers was pretty terrifying. The lines were agonizing, we waited for almost 3 hours to get into the expo hall. I made small chat when I could with a girl next to me who was dressed as a baseball player and a girl who had purple hair who is a Yang cosplayer named Lydia. I stuck to my room mate and his friends like I was their shadow cause I didnt want to get left alone. They knew how important it was for me, I wanted to meet Arryn and Barbara and tell them how much they mean to me and how much the characters they play mean to me. I met a friend I made on facebook who was cosplaying as Ruby (She is so cute). I got a few compliments cause I was wearing my “Bitches love Canons” T-shirt. My room mate suddenly grabbed me and pointed to the side and there basically all alone and walking through the Expo was Lindsay. I bee lined towards her, and no one was around and I just went. “A-Are you who I think you are?” And she said “Yep!” She signed one of my favorite Ruby images I printed out and took a picture with me. I asked her if I could do my Ruby impression which I am pretty good at and she told me to go for it so “Yaaaaaaaaaang”. Throughout the convention I took a lot of pictures of great cosplayers, I really admire cosplayers being able to do that and it looks so much fun. I also found a guy that works for RTX who responded to my email inquiry with a rather heartfelt response...I told him I would try to find him and give him a hug. Low and behold the first person I ask was him and I just threw my arms open, he was pretty excited and so was I. At one point I got separated from my room mate and his friends and started to panic. I went outside and just found a spot to huddle down in the shade and started desperately texting. I have a tendency to look down and avoid eye contact with anyone when things get overwhelming. Thankfully one of my room mates friends who I find really reliable came and found me and rallied the others so we could go back to the hotel room and eat. After that I just decompressed...had a few drinks at the empty bar at the hotel room with my room mates reliable friend. After that he told me to come out with him to meet up with some other people from the con that wanted to hit a bar and relieve “Line Stress”. I was kind of apprehensive about it cause I prefer quiet places with barely any people. Buuuut after the few drinks I had I was feeling loose so..why the hell not. I met up with TK and Melissa...two amazing people. I got plastered, I had so much liquid courage and with Melissa with me she and I were just doing whatever was fun. We talked and I poured my heart out about how much I would love to meet Arryn and Barbara and tell them how much they mean to me. I got so plastered...yet I was just talking to random guys from the Con without any problems who gathered around our Jenga game. I even did my Cinder impression. After a wonderful night I road some sorta gondola thing back to the hotel...I was so drunk I totally spent 45$ for it instead of 10$ for an Uber.

Day 2

Hangover city, but something about last night...Melissa and I had poured our souls out to each other in alcoholic fassion. I felt really good and comfortable. Today I was able to traverse the con without any problems. I took more pictures of Cosplayers and fangirled out to a 2B cosplayer (I love Nier). Bought a bunch of shirts but I had one killer headache. Lydia came and found me and showed off her Yang cosplay...which was awesome and did a Bumbleby pose with me and her friend took pictures for me. I tried to go to the signing panel to hopefully wait in line and meet Arryn but they would not let anyone in unless they had an Autograph code...and they filled up before I could redeem mine. I was pretty upset after that. That plus a killer hangover pretty much killed my aspirations to do anything the rest of the day...I went back to the hotel room and just laid in the bed and took some headacke medicine. The one good thing about the day...MORE METAL DETECTORS AND LESS LINE WAITS. The roomie and friends went out drinking again but I passed and stayed at the hotel to nurse my migrane.

Day 3

This was my last chance. I got up early left the hotel room and got and Uber all by myself. Went to the convention and B-lined for the Ruby panel and managed to get a seat near the microphone. Everything was great I am totally buying box of pumpkin petes. The moment they said “We’re going to open up for Q-” Anything that was said after that wasnt heard because I had severe tunnel vision. I was out of my seat following the two guys that I sat next to. I managed to get in line but at this point I started panicking. So I just picked a spot on the floor and looked at it. Every time I looked up and saw my face on the screen I thought I looked horrible and quickly looked down again. I felt sorry for the guy I sat near that brought his RWBY fan video thing and was told to give it to the guardian. Everyone was crammed in real tight and it was sort of an uncomfortable situation. I felt really bad for the guy who asked for an autograph for his sword. Ok so, dont ask for autographs. Then it was my turn, I was absolutely terrified. I wanted to make it short and quick for the people behind me so they can have a turn. The original thing was going to be: “I love you guys and I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. When I came out I was basically abandoned by my family and my brother threatened to beat me up if I ever went near his children. There are three things that bring light into my life: Thats my friends who have become my family, My boyfriend (Who introduced me to RWBY BTW), and RWBY. Barbara, Yang means a lot to me because she has the confidence I dont have, I want to be like her. And Blake means the world to me because I know what its like to be discriminated against because of what you are, and not who you are. I love you all an I look forward to seeing more RWBY in the future” bow...exit stage left...thats not how it went down. I got as far as Barbara...I saw Miles get up and run down the isle and I lost my shit. Miles ran up to me and hugged me and its really hard for me to remember what he said cause I was just so shocked. I think it was something like “You are a beautiful wonderful person and we love you” and then all the sudden I feel more arms around me and I look up and its OMFG Arryn and Lindsay. I rememer hearing Arryn say “Wow her nails are really cute” And I just remember whispering repeatedly “Thank you so much” to Miles. Then Arryn came in for a hug and I just died. I wish I could remember what she said, but I was just so shocked...I think she said “You are a beautiful person” but I just kept saying “Thank you so much, I love you, you mean so much to me” And then Lindsay came up and I was like “Oh Hi again” and kind of smiled a bit and gave her a hug. Then I could hear Vic asking for my name. So I said Serena...but that came out all squeeky so I said it again. And then there was a moment where nothing was happening so I was like. Should I continue speaking or what?...I was not registering So being just an absolute wreck I was like “So Blake means” and that was just shattered by the very gentle voice of Vic. “Look around this room cause you are surrounded by thousands of friends” I was just...so happy...hearing the applause...I tried to look around so it was like...People clapping and cheering...floor...people clapping and cheering...floor...and then there was a pause. And I asked “Do I continue?” and then just turned and spoke “I just wanted to say that Blake means a lot to me because I know whats its like to be discriminated against based off of what you are and not who you are. And Barbara (Meant to say Yang but I was a total mess) means so much to me because she represents the self esteem and confidence I wish I had” and I just had to stop because I started losing it. So looking at the floor again. I heard Barbara said she was coming down...more hugs...more hugs. And then I look up and Barbara! Again it was really hard for me to remember everything specifically cause I was in such shock that this was really happening. She said something akin to “You are a beautiful and amazing person and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. You had the confidence to tell everyone your story” Or something like that...god I wish I could remember but it was just so surreal. I thought Barbara would get a kick out of the Image I had on my Binder and she laughed. Miles gave me another hug and said more wonderful things and I asked him “I know I am asking too much and you guys are busy, can I get you guys to autograph this?..Maybe later?” (Afterwards I felt really petty and bad about asking for this after they gave me such amazing hugs and an experience I will never forget I guess I was just trying to have something to remember the moment) and he said “I’m really sorry, we’re all really busy right now but I will autograph something for you real quick” and he signed my camp camp flag. So I returned to my seat and just...kind of stared at the floor. I was trying to calm down. Everything else that was going on around me was just a blur, then all the sudden I hear Barbara “Serena where are you girl?” So I looked up from the floor and raised my hand and she brought me a YANG FIGURE THEY ALL AUTOGRAPHED. ( Image 1 Image 2 ) and I was just smiling and sort of in a cave woman mode.  I didnt even realized it was signed I was like “S-S-Sign?” (Again felt really petty and bad for that but...I was not functioning in the brain properly at the time) and she just pointed at it and I looked down. Whabam...they had all signed it...I was dead “Thank you so much, thank you so much” was really the only thing I could make out and she went back to the panel. It all just came out...I was crying and my hands were shaking...everything after that was just a blur.

After the Panel (THIS IS AMAZING)

People were filing out and I was just sitting there crying. My friend who I met on facebook and meeted up with at the convention who was cosplaying as Ruby came and sat next to me. She had tears in her eyes and she just hugged me “You did it!” and we just sat there hugging and crying. I looked up and standing there oh so patiently waiting for us to finish our moment was Chivy Oum. The tears came again I said “Oh my god its you. I was looking for you the other day” and I just moved in to hug him. I told him. “I know what its like to lose someone, I lost my sister. I really feel for you. I love you so much” (I lost my older sister in an accident when I was 13). And he just spoke in a calm voice. “If Monty was here he would have loved hearing what you said, he would have loved this” And I just cried my eyes out. Eventually we parted and I just hugged him a bunch more...then sat and hugged and cried with Ruby again. A few people just came up and hugged me, said wonderful things. A guy came up with a foam replica of Gambol shroud and said “This was the last one they had, you deserve this” and he just gave it to me. I was just smiling and just so emotional I hugged him. Then a guy in a grim mask with a cane scared us...cause he came out of my periph. He quickly took off the mask and said he was sorry and took off the mask and hugged me and said what I did was very brave. At this point a Guardian came in and said we had to get out and I walked and talked with Ruby. On the way out I was hugged by a few more people who said nice things and at this point I just had to calm down and find a nice quiet place. On the way out I got approached by a person who said “I don’t normally give hugs but you deserve one” and she hugged me. For every hug..I always said thank you. I finally made it outside and sat down and just decompressed. Some time after an older woman who was cosplaying as Kali came outside and sat next to me. And she told me how she is a mother and she loves and supports her son no matter what and she cannot fathom how my family cannot. And we just talked and talked and shared stories. I felt so calm and relaxed around her...and she gave me a cigarette (I needed one, but I RARELY smoke). We had a long talk about our lives and things like that and we exchanged contact information. After calming down a bit I went back inside and one after the other there was a person there to give me a hug and tell me that I’m part of the family now. People told me that I am brave, people told me how touched they were by what I said. Some people asked if I wanted to go to the quiet room with them but on the way there I got stopped by a guy who asked me for my autograph. I was like “Seriously? Um...wow ok” and...I accidentally pocketed his sharpy (Old habbit I picked up in the Air Force “Every Good Airman always carries a pen!”) I went to the Expo hall to get a souvenir for my friend. And I ran into two guys who told me that this is what Rooster Teeth is about. I’m part of one big family. And they said a lot of nice things. Picked up some souvenirs and was making my way out. A girl stopped me and asked me to sit with her and her friends. We talked and stuff like that and hugged and she told me she is an artist and she gave me a sketch of Blake Belladonna. We exchanged contact information and talked for a while and I had to head out..more hugs from random strangers...more kind words...and then I had to stop a Cinder Cosplayer and take her picture. “Hey arent you that girl from the Ruby Panel?” So I told her yes and she gave me a hug, and I gave her my best Cinder Impression ever. There was a beautiful girl with her...she told me what I said hit home for her cause she is Trans. Immediately I told her “I could not tell, you are just so beautiful and I love and support you” She opened up about how what I said hit home to her...she was recently fired from her job...just cause she’s Trans...that is so fucked up. I told her how horrible I thought that was and how stupid of them. We talked for a bit and exchanged contact info and parted ways...I was going to find a nice quiet spot to relax. On the way up the escalator I noticed a guy jumped out of his seat and smiled and moved over to hold up his hand...I just reached down and shook his hand I just smiled and said thank you...and he said something I could not hear but it sounded like “Your awesome” and that just made me smile. I went all the way up to the third floor where it seemed like there was not a soul. Everywhere I went at the convention I was approached and hugged it was just so moving. Checking my messages on my phone one of my friends told me Twitter exploded and sent me a link. Barbara retweeted “This” I never used Twitter before so I was trying to figure that out...I just wanted to tell her thank you. Then another girl walked up to me and threw her arms open and I stood up and gave her a hug. Even leaving the convention center it was hug after hug after hug. I stopped a few more cosplayers and noticed they were looking at me like they wanted to ask me something. So I was like “Did you go to the RWBY Panel?” “Yeah was that you” “Yeah” more hugs (Each hug is followed by nice words btw). I honestly cant remember the last time I got so many hugs. Some people asked me to show the figure they signed and gave me. And just so many people told me that I am part of the family, I am brave, I am courageous....really I am just flattered more than anything that something I did touched so many people. Finally after a day of many hugs, many kind words I got back in the truck and we drove home. On the way home I mostly spent the long drive talking to the many people I exchanged information with, wishing them safe trips and thanking them. When I got home...well I am a Role Player and actively Role Play as Blake and Yang and a bunch of Role Players heard about it and gave me This when I got home. Thank you Winty Mint! <3

The Day After the Convention.

I was so happy, I posted about my experience in two of the facebook groups I joined some time back. Bumbleby Bae’s and Ozpins Army. I got so many wonderful comments and the admin of Ozpins army was apparently three guys behind me in the Q&A Line. He said he was going to run up and give me a hug but Miles beat me to it. The entire day was spent talking to people and reading lovely comments and then someone linked me the vid on youtube...it all began to sink in and I just started crying again. I posted a comment on the video about my experience and that too was followed by nice things...but also some bad things. Some people were pretty upset that I shared what I did. They said “The rules said no Downer stories” I honestly swear I didn't hear that...what did hear was Kerry said he would like to hear stories how RWBY has touched peoples lives and I thought I fit into that category...so honestly if I upset you I am sorry, that was not my intention. One of the guys on facebook said he runs another RWBY Group.

Today

I am just so shocked that all the nice comments and things keep coming. One person said “I hugged you!” and another told me they saw about it on Tumblr so I went to look and came up with the idea to make a blog post about my experience. Just the amount of support I am getting is overwhelming.

End Note

 I am...completely overwhelmed by how much support everyone is giving me. After everything I have gone through to be accepted by so many people, to be hugged by so many people, to have so many wonderful words of encouragement said to me, to know that what I did inspired people (I have gotten a few messages from people on how it inspired them), and just how wonderful you have all been. Words cannot express this feeling I have, but I can sum it up as love. You have all given me so much love and thank you so much for that. And what you have given to me I will pass that on. Any time any of you have a bad day, want someone to talk to, want someone to pour your heart out to (I can keep a secret), or if you just want to talk or ask questions I will be there for you.

I love you all so very very much. And I am honored to be a part of this family.

[valkyriemarys]

I get it okay? I do , Im the greatest disappointment any of you ever had the fucking misfortune of having. I GET IT, you have ALL made that ABUNDANTLY clear the LAST 25 FUCKING YEARS 

talking to my mother recently has a really horrible effect on me. Its really counter productive. Like I get we are going through a difficult time, I get that. I know money is really tight right now, but really woman? STARVING ME??? Thats whats going to make all of this better???!?!?  You already give me the minimum you can for all I need weekly, and I get it and I have never complained. But sometimes I cant pay for gas, for food, for school supplies AND for laundry with 500 pesos. It just cant be done. And weekly you remind me how DISSAPOINTED you are that I cant seem to even manage THAT. Even if that is IMPOSSIBLE.  even when I havent even complained about the fact that Ive been taking cold baths for WEEKS because no one will fucking pay to fix the boiler. JESUS. but FINE. but THATS NOT FREAKING ALL

For years you have now denied to pay for ANY medical attention unless Im already at the verge of being placed in a hospital. Even THEN we only attend small clinics that cant really offer any real help. So NOW im here stuck ignoring my multiple infections, my depression and anxiety, my now 5 day running fucking MIGRANE and a sinusitis that is making it hard to breathe never mind sleep, BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT A URGENT CONCERN. WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO PAY, you can hold on a couple of months. And I DO. WITHOUT COMPLAIN. WHILE ATTENDING SCHOOL AND GETTING HIGH MARKS, NEVER freaking missing any meetings or responsibilities I have had. 

BUT NOW, even if I call for some STUPID FUCKING CHANGE, just to get some aspirin you have to REMIND ME how fucking USELESS I AM, how EVEN THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSILBE, when I KNOW FOR A FACT you and my dad are spending thousands weekly on GOD KNOWS WHAT. ITS A 100 PESOS WOMAN!! YOU WONT MISS THEEEM!! MY FRIDGE IS EMPTY AND IVE ATE TWICE IN TWO FUCKING DAYS

I HAVE A FEVER and my stomach keeps GROWLING, If It wasn't for my brother you would have left me to freaking rot already. 

and I try to be understanding I DO. I try to get why My FATHERS idiotic ideas are far more important than my freaking well being, and I KNOW you are under a lot of pressure but GOD no matter how much YOU try to convince me and yourself, THIS ISNT MY FAULT. 

I WAS A KID. 

Whatever relationship I had with my father It didn't cause him to handle his money the way he did. I didn't fucking force him into debt. I was not the reason he suffered the brain hemorrhage. That was on him. 

and I cant forgive either of you for making me believe even for a second, that I did that.