#and the thing is I am not actually ALWAYS affected by seasonal depression in winter

[greaseonmymouth]

every year this time of year it’s like my life spirals a little bit out of control and I’m like, why can’t I just do x y z and the answer is always seasonal depression and yet. YET. I keep asking myself why I can’t just willpower my way into being a functional human being

[diablo-that-first-spark]

I'm Tryyyyyinnggg…

Project main tag

You learn such fascinating things about yourself when you hold yourself to a regular upload schedule, honestly!

So I have always known that during winter I'm not exactly at my peak. The lack of warmth and sunshine takes a toll on me even though I am not really an outdoors person. I just need those two around me to operate at a 100% (or even higher). But hey, I figured as I am working on the fancomic, it can't be that bad!

Oh, it's that bad.

Ignoring that already not-insignificant detail that I get sick at least a couple of times during winter which absolutely nuke my daily routines and energy levels, I'm definitely slower, I have a harder time starting, and overall, it is more of a miserable slog than the days of insane productivity I showed during summer. I know there is this thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I'm definitely not down that bad. I am not even on the same planet as depression, so don't worry about me!

So will TTWF be actually ready by the  New Year? I am doing my best, but at this point I have no idea, honestly. XD It would be cool, tho!

Do you guys get affected by the seasons like this?

2023.12.12.

[dotwavrider]

Janurary 1st, 2023.

I know I'm late to post anything relating to new years but I wanted to show some of my shitty and overly emotional writing off. Please enjoy

January 1st, 2023

I spent New Year’s Eve playing Namco's 1998 racing game Ridge Racer Type 4 on a Playstation 1 emulator.

The game’s real good, you should definitely check it out if you get the chance. Even if you don’t like racing games. It’s got one of the best soundtracks I’ve ever heard in a video game period. I mean, Move Me ALONE is probably better than most video game soundtracks. The gameplay’s also incredible. It’s difficult but not unfair, it doesn’t hold your hand but you always feel like you have shot at victory; that’s a tough balance to strike. The aesthetic’s dope too, it’s got that new millennium flair that I always find to be super novel in video games. That’s why I chose to play the game on New Year’s actually; the final track of the grand prix finds you on a 6 lap race in Los Angeles counting down from New Year’s Eve 1999 to the year 2000. So I guess it felt appropriate. 

As I was playing through the Grand Prix, unlocking faster cars, slowly gaining the support of my manager Yazaki, racing through the beautiful set of courses R4 has to offer, a phrase kept popping in my head.

“If I can envision what’s in front of me, I know I can still win”

Every time I was just outside of qualifying range with little time before I finished the final lap, I thought that to myself. Every time I got a bad start and stayed in 8th place for the whole first lap, I thought to myself. Every time I hit the brake too late on a turn and lost a decent placing, I thought that to myself. That if I could just see the car to beat in front of me, I would know I could still find a way to get ahead of it, and all the other cars I needed to get ahead of in order to qualify. 

I had this same thought when I was in second place on the 6th lap final of the track, Shooting Hoops in Los Angeles, at 11:59 on December 31st, 1999. Kimara Lovelace’s vocals on the soundtrack are booming through my Sony wired headphones. My heart starts pumping just a little faster. Without realizing it, I begin to tap my feet. I hit the brakes on the final turn, hoping not to move into the offroad and get slowed down, and hoping not to brake too much and lose speed for the final stretch. I grip the handles of my Dualshock 4 controller tight. I finish the turn. I’m still in first place, and as I reach the end begin to think about something else

I’ve felt kind of down about life for a lot of the past month or so. After winter break started, I found myself feeling more isolated than I have in a while. I didn’t talk to a lot of my friends, and I’ve barely talked to anyone I know outside my family in person. What’s frustrating is that I knew that the winter season had already been affecting my mood negatively; seeing that stick around during the one time I should be freed from that sort of baggage, it felt really awful.

The holidays didn’t help either. I have the worst habit of feeling depressed on Christmas and other days and occasions where most people are having a good time. I know I’m not alone in this, and it wasn’t always this way for me, but that’s the way it was this year. 

And, I’ve been thinking alot about the future, and how scared of it I am. I’m scared that the way I feel about my life won’t change as grow older. Scared that I won’t be able to find a place where I feel safe, and that my life has meaning. And I’m scared that that fear will paralyze me into not living a life I enjoy. I’m scared that when I look back on the time I spent alive, I’ll be truly, deeply, sad. A phrase keeps popping up in my head

“I’m less scared of change than I am of things staying the same”

I spend a lot of time with my own thoughts. In fact I’ve been spending almost every moment of almost every day inside, a lot of that being in the same room, looking at the same monitor, connected to the computer with the Duckstation PS1 emulator and the Ridge Racer Type 4 .bin file.

I didn’t end up winning that race, I lost my first placing right before I got to the finish line. Shooting Hoops took me 3 tries in total; you’d be surprised at how difficult such a simple track layout is. But when I did finish it, and watched the ending text scroll, I was struck by the following line

“A man can change as long as he lives.”

You see, in R4, you can pick one of four teams to represent you for the Grand Prix, and for each path you get to see your manager go on a unique and satisfying character arc throughout the course of your playthrough. For this run I chose the Japan team, led by Yazaki, and his story is about how he learns to get over the loss of his racing partner and closest friend, Giuliano. The line in the ending scroll is what Yazaki says to his late friend after you’ve won the tournament, citing that you, the player, helped remind him of that truth.

I’m still scared of the future, near and far. I’m scared that by the end of 2023, I won’t feel like I’ve changed to be more like the person I want to be. I’m scared that I’ll still feel a lot of the same ways I do right now, alone, hopeless, and desperately tired. But what I know now, more than I’ve ever known, is that I can change, even if that change isn’t a straight line, and even if I won’t always realize it. And that life is easier to bear when you embrace that.

[the-wizard-in-blue]

Difficult post ahead, fair warning.

TL/DR: Not having the best self esteme right now; feeling depressed and lonely.

Some holidays are really hard for me...and none moreso than at Yule. In the past, my family and I would be very active around the winter seasons; going to each others homes, making food, spending time together. The winter never felt too hard because everyone was together. As I grew older, I began to keep these celebrations alive with my friends. I didn't celebrate Christmas as a religious observance, as I am much more into the cycle holiday of Winter Solctice (being a pagan and all that). Whatever celebration they were choosing to observe never really mattered to me. All I cared about was that my friends and I were spending them together.

Unfortunately, I don't have many friends these days and I rarely go to many celebrations. Don't get me wrong, I try and reach out and communicate with those friends I do have. Even try to set up times and see them and let them know that I'm thinking of them from time to time. But my health affects my ability to see people or go out, and no one really comes to visit me personally. In fact, I can probably count on one hand how many I consider actual friends. Sure, I have many aquaintences, but it is very rare that anyone reaches out to me independantly anymore. Mostly it's just to reply to a message I've left, and even then, I might not receive one in return for days, if ever. It makes me sad realizing this and it makes the holidays even harder.

I wish I wasn't so sick. I don't see much value in myself these days, and it's hard to feel valued when you have a very small support system. Again, dont misunderstand: I love my wife and my partner, and I am thankful for the love and support they show me. But again, it's hard when you have no real friends to speak of, especially when these times were always so busy in the past. Now it's very quiet these days. My apologies if this post brings you down. It's not meant to. But I felt I needed to speak into the void, if for no reason than to not keep my feelings stuffed down anymore. I am trying to find my way, and I will Always Keep Fighting. But right now...things aren't alright...and I'm so very tired of things being this way.

[embervoices]

Right! So:

Do you do any rituals or celebrate any holidays/festivals?  Yes. Many. MANY. I should make this its own post.

It's been a fair while since I took stock of my personal liturgical calendar, so let’s look that over, shall we?

(Fair warning: I have Cyclothymic Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I track time in a fair bit of detail - this isn’t remotely all of it! You did ask!)

January:

Holiday Season Closes – Take a few deep breaths and REST. January with CSAD sucks pretty hard core.

February:

Brighidsmas - AKA "dodge the low-flying Brighid and hope it's coherent this year". Often involves being crafty, lighting candles, and/or singing.

Lesser Ghede Season Opens – That’s not a technical term, nor is it any kind of established tradition. I’m just personally not supposed to deal with my Papa between late November and early February, largely for my own psychological health. Winter is difficult enough without trying to keep up with a loud dead guy, I guess. It wasn’t His idea – Damballa and Ayida Wedo ordered it many years ago when They saw how sick I was getting.

Waking Freyr - Like many Vanatruar, I find that Freyr spends the winter in the mound of the kings. Mid-February is when it's time to go wake him up. I do have a group ritual for this, based on a very detailed dream I had years ago that shaped the ritual we use in Autumn to honor his entering the mound.

Cherry Bloom – I live in dwindling orchard lands, and the most immediate lands have cherries and apricots. The cherries blooming are really obvious, and quite beautiful, and mark impending spring.

March:

Daylight Saving SPRING FORWARD – Suddenly I get a whole extra hour of SUNLIGHT in my day! Woohoo! Goodbye SAD! I can ramp down my winter depression meds now. If I stay on them year round, I get extra panic attacks in the summer.

Ostara - OSTARA IS THE SHINIEST EVAR OMG HAVE YOU SEEN MY EGG COLLECTION LOOK AT ALL THE FLOWERS WHERE’S MY CAMERA?! CAN I HAVE MORE BUNNIES PLEASE?

April:

Christian Holy Week, Easter The last few years, Holy Week has really hit hard, and I'm still not entirely sure why, but figuring it out and riding it out has been kind of a thing.

Walpurgisnacht - Mostly dedicated to the Germanic witchy goddesses.

May:

Beltaine - My observances of Beltaine have varied a fair bit the last many years. Since I joined a coven, it's settled into meeting with them and doing whatever we've got scheduled there.

Festival Season Opens

Last Spring Rains – Well, usually. About 1 in 3 Memorial Days is rainy around here, and yet somehow everyone is shocked by it every time.

June:

Anniversary with Chien - As he's an atheist, this is not a religious celebration. But it's very important to me, and thus a major marker on my calendar. We’re coming up on 23 years now!

Midsommer - Ideally, we dance the Midsommerstangen, which is made from the trunk of last season's Yule Tree. The last few years it's been a tall branch I have handy as backup, as I haven't had a Yule tree recently.

Necklacing Anniversary with Ayida Wedo - I am meant to, at the very least, meditate, make offerings, and, if necessary, re-string my Necklacing necklace. The actual practice on this is very hit-or-miss since I left AMUH several years ago.

July:

4th of July – I don’t really have a sense of that being a big holiday, so much as everyone around me does, one way or another, so it always gets marked. Nowadays this coincides with:

BayCon – Not religious in the formal sense, of course, but it is very much a gathering of MY Folk.

(This makes it look like the summer is less busy. This is a bald-faced lie. It’s just the things in the summer vary from year to year.)

August:

Lughnasadh - As of last summer, my relationship with Lugh is now formalized, so I expect Lughnasadh to be effectively an Anniversary celebration for me henceforth.

Family Beach House – Growing up my Dad and StepMom almost always spent a week or two at a beach house in the late summer, and took as many of the 5 of us kids as schedules allowed. The last many years they've started to host a family gathering each year at a beach house again. I go when I can. Any visit to the shore is an opportunity to sing to the various powers of the Waters.

Summer Dysphoria - tends to be worst at the end of August.

September:

Labor Day Weekend – It’s not that I celebrate this day in particular, but I always mark it as the transition from Summer to Autumn from a school-schedule perspective, at least.

SAD Watch – This is around when I start ramping up my meds against winter depression.

Anniversary with @AuntieAshleyDark – Our next will mark... 12 years, I think? Woo!

Mabon - I never really clicked with it before, but this is celebrated with my coven now.

Greater Ghede Season Opens

Renaissance Faire – I often don’t get to it until October, actually, but I try very, very hard not to miss entirely, because I’ve only ever missed three years in my entire life since before I was born – literally.

First Rain – The first rain in September is the beginning of the darker half of the year far more than the Equinox is. I’m told the first full moon after the first rain in September was once the liturgical New Year for one of the local native peoples who based their year on the cycle of the CA Live Oak. Miwok maybe? I’m not sure. But my Mom and I have observed it ever since.

October:

General Spooky Season -  GHEDE IS THE SHINIEST EVAR OMG HAVE YOU SEEN MY SKULL COLLECTION LOOK AT ALL THE GRAVEYARDS WHERE’S MY CAMERA?! CAN I HAVE MORE CALAVERAS PLEASE?

Second Summer – The mid-autumn in California is always a second heat wave after the rains begin. Sometimes it’s hotter than August.

Festival Season Closes

Freyr Enters the Mound - We have a ritual based on a detailed dream I had many years ago. As it requires a group to practice, and places one human spiritually in the mound with Freyr for the winter, which can be a heavy load for them, we haven’t practiced it the last few years.

Halloween - Mostly hanging out, eating candy, watching bad horror movies, and answering the door for adorable children in costume, when possible.

Samhain – These days Samhain is with my coven. In the past, I've been a guest at others' gatherings, or held a quiet reverence on my own, with a dumb supper or such.

November:

Dia De Los Muertos – Living in California amongst Pagans and a very strong local Mexican community, Dia De Los Muertos is another of the ancestor reverent holidays around this turning of the wheel. No, they’re not interchangeable, they each get touched on in their own way, but this is definitely one of them. This is the one I don't much myself practice, so much as witness. The graveyards where I do much of my work honoring the dead have large Latino Catholic populations connected with them. It’s beautiful to visit at this time of year.

Personal Holy Week - My birthday is exactly a week after Halloween, and I have found the week from Halloween to my Birthday tends to be pretty intense for me, spiritually.

Daylight Saving FALL BACK – OH NOES SAD ATTACK! No, seriously, to whatever degree I wasn’t already feeling it, the time change suddenly shifting sunset up an hour hits me like a ton of bricks every year now. This is also when I experience going into the mound with Freyr. I’m clear that for others He goes in much sooner, correlating with harvest season more than light levels, but He has made it quite clear that this must be the marker for me, and that cyclical time and linear time interact with a certain amount of wiggle room.

My Birthday – Yep, I’m a Scorpio. If I don’t mark my birthday, the winter sucks a LOT more. It’s my annual celebration of ME, and I generally hold a 10-12 hour open hospitality party at my house, inviting as many layers of my friends as I can handle that year, from the closest outward.

Headwash Anniversary with Papa Ghede – A small private observance honoring my having taken an initiation to my Papa Ghede in the Umbanda House.

Greater Ghede Season Closes – No more talking to Papa Ghede until early Spring.

Winternights – This can be celebrated any time between the Autumnal Equinox and the Winter Solstice as far as I can tell. In the Vanic Conspiracy it goes with our November meeting. We celebrate by filling our glasses and taking turns telling stories about our beloved dead. Everyone gets a turn. No limit on the species of the beloved dead. Preference given to stories of those lost in the last year. Preference given to personal stories of dead we knew while they were alive.

Holiday Season Opens – From a commercial perspective, I guess it’s more like open season on shopping.

Thanksgiving – This is a family gathering in the usual US tradition. I consider it a celebration of my family, my ancestors, and an expression of gratitude to the landspirits, as well as a day of respect and mourning for the people of the land, who have lost so much at the hands of too many of my ancestors.

Advent begins - My CoPartner has been enjoying rediscovering Advent as a celebration their ancestors practiced. We've been having something of a modified Christo-Pagan celebration the last several years. It's contemplative and peaceful.

December:

Oh dear gods, the Holiday Season! This list doesn’t come close to covering all my actual observances and obligations in December, but it highlights the ones that are actually holidays.

Sankta Lucia’s Day – When I can manage it, which is less often than not. But Sankta Lucia is very important to me, so I really try to honor Her, if only by enjoying the Lucia buns my CoPartner bakes for us.

Coven Yule - We usually celebrate on the Saturday closest to the Solstice.

Solstice Vigil – I tend to spend Solstice proper with a group of dear friends, staying up all night. The last decade or so, it's been consistently with my Girlfriend Ashley's household.

Christmas Eve – Every year with my Mom and my Sister. These days we include my Brother-in-Law, Nephew, and Niece. This is also the last celebration of Advent with my Partner and CoPartner.

Christmas Day – Usually with Mom's side of the family.

Boxing Day – Every year with Dad’s side of the family.

Vanic Conspiracy Yule – The list up until this point should make it clear why we hold this on whichever Monday or Friday is available between Boxing Day and New Years. So much more relaxing not trying to compete with all the other Yule, Solstice, Christmas, and Hanukkah celebrations! We burn the Yule log, feast, and gather for local charity. We missed it this year. It remains to be seen how future years will go.

New Year – Whatever party I have the energy for happens. I try not to spend it alone, at least. The last many years it's just been hanging out at home.

I also have monthly meetings with various groups, especially including my Coven lately. And there’s plenty of seasonal markers that I notice when they come and go, but can’t easily mark on a calendar. I pay attention to the phases of the moon, and which plants are in bloom, when the trees grow their leaves and when they drop them, which animals are active, etc.

@shiny-speedy-devotee’s

Polytheism Asks

What’s your least favorite myth? I don’t really look at it that way. I’m certainly not fond of the ones involving consent violations.

What’s your favorite myth? Again, I don’t really look at it that way. I suppose I like the ones that are just plain weird.

What pantheon(s) do you worship? I’m effectively an omnitheist. Depending on how one itemizes pantheons, I’ve had at least brief contact with more than I’d like to try to count. But the pantheons I relate to consistently enough to have permanent marks on my body for are: Vanir, Aesir, Orixa, Loa, Irish, Welsh, Hellenic, Kemetic, and an infinity symbol for the Whole That Is Divine. I’m also an animist.

Who is your least favorite ancient poet/philosopher/old guy who said “smart” things? Probably Thomas Aquinas. Not that he had much to say about my faith, really. But I had to read some of his work in my Religious Studies and Philosophy classes in university and am definitely not a fan.

What’s your favorite snack to share with the gods? (Curtesy of @luminarycanary) Honey is sacred to nearly all of them. I collect varietals.

Do you pray daily? If so, do you have a prayer schedule? I don’t have a schedule. I have everyday prayers, but I say them as the impulse arises, not literally every day. They go well before a meal, and before undertaking ritual work. But they’re specifically centered on the Vanir, who are Family/Home to me, so I have other set prayers/songs for other purposes, as well as whatever extemporaneous expression arises.

Do you do any rituals or celebrate any holidays/festivals? Yes. Many. MANY. I should make this its own post.

How often to you make offerings, and what is your most common offering to give? The most common offerings are a candle, a libation, or a song. Candles happen several times a week these days, if only for the Community Well Being Altar. Libations are less common. They used to be several times a month, but the reasons for that have fallen away over the last few years. Still, at least monthly. Songs are connected to specific prompts, which have also fallen away over the last couple years. Those, too, are closer to monthly right now.

How many altars do you currently have up, if any at all? Uhhhhhh *counts* 8-12, depending on how you count altars, I think? Some people distinguish between altars and shrines, at which point I’d have to say most of those are shrines. If I itemize the individual deities, I have easily dozens, but they’re mostly clumped together by pantheon or domain. I have one, maybe two working altars going most of the time lately.

Have you ever made a travel altar? In the sense of making a specific small portable altar/shrine thingy, no. In the sense of packing up a small box of whatever it seems like I might need for travel, many times. I’m not opposed - it sounds like a fun craft project. But what I need with me varies a little too much, beyond what I carry in my purse all the time anyway.

What deity do you think your taste in music best represents, regardless of who you worship? Probably Brighid. With a side of Ghede.

What has been your favorite interaction with a deity so far? I have absolutely no idea how to answer this.

What is your favorite devotional act? Singing!

Would you say there’s a certain “type” of deity you follow? Or are you more broad, without rhyme or reason? Most of the gods I work with at all frequently are on the Life/Death axis, or are Tricksters. But I will work with almost any deity who drops by, if there’s a reason for it. Magic is also a pretty common domain around here.

Have you ever worked with a deity? As opposed to what? Well, regardless, by just about every definition that might have been meant by this, yes. Working with deities is pretty well my job. I’m ordained Vanatru clergy, a spirit worker, dreamworker, oracle, and witch.

Have you ever been to a religious site (for your deities)? Several. It seems like every time I get to go on vacation, the Powers find a way to turn it into a pilgrimage. Gamla Uppsala in particular was wonderful.

Do you have any UPGs? Quite a few. Mostly about the Vanir.

What is your favorite way to communicate with the gods? Possession trance is extremely helpful, but there’s a lot of places to introduce error into the process, and it can be damaging to handle it poorly. Still, ecstatic trance states in general are a major focus of my practice, when possible.

Do you just worship deities, or do you worship heroes, spirits, etc. as well? My practices include animism and ancestor reverence. I tend to focus less on “heroes”, and more on personal connections, and general interconnectedness.

What’s something new you want to try in your worship? Herbalism. Fragrance blending. The overlap between my list of craft interests and my list of worship interests is very high.

What would your ideal practice look like? I wish I knew! The last few years have changed a lot, and I’m frankly at a bit of a loss now. It’s been exhausting. I can’t keep up what I had to build during lockdown, and the extended community practices that supported me before don’t work anymore. Figuring out what I and we need to do henceforth is a big, big task on my plate right now. More than I can really address, yet.

Have you ever received a dream/a big sign from a deity? I’m a dreamworker, so my sense of scale for this is probably skewed. But yes, several times.

Are there any new deities you want to contact? I already have more deities on my list than I know what to do with. I won’t refuse newcomers, but I’m not seeking them out.

How do you define devotion vs worship? “Worship” is the expression of love for divinity. Forms of worship correspond to “love languages”: praise, offerings, services, etc. “Devotion” is a deeply personal relationship with a specific entity. They’re different points on a continuum. Roughly the emotional difference between enjoying a party to honor a member of your community you think well of but don’t necessarily hang out with much personally, vs. paying personal attention to your best friend, lover, sibling, etc. Either way, the point is the relationship.

What is your favorite symbol of your deity(ies)? I am rather fond of the Vanatru Boar symbol. 

[therianterritory]

Wolf behavior nuanced by human behavior

Hello hello, I go through the jungle of the Therian Community pretty much daily. I didn't need more than a year to know that therians love to express and talk about the urges, behaviors, and instincts of their theriotype. Logical, of course, it's what the community is about, to talk to people who experience the same thing. But something I often notice is that therians tend to link almost anything to their therianthropy. Of course, therianthropy can influence a person's life greatly. But something important we tend to forget is the fact that humans are also still animals. Even though we have evolved far enough to let our intelligence dominate our instincts, we still unconsciously display instinctive behavior 24/7. If I'd be a fly on your wall and observe you for a little bit, I could point out several behaviorisms that you didn't even think about doing.

Upon questioning a theriotype and examining your therianthropic behavior, it's always important to divide the instinctive human behavior from the non-human animal. I'm not saying some behavior can't be both, in fact, I believe a lot of therianthropy can be influenced by human behavior and the other way around. I often notice myself doing some wolf-like things, and then think to myself if that is normal for a human being to do as well. I am also in no way trying to debunk therianthropy, of course, why would I?

I wanted to dedicate this post to nuancing some often talked about wolf behaviors by comparing them to similar human behaviors. Of course with every human instinct and behavior, it is important to rather compare it to the times when we were still living in tribes, because that's the time where instincts were still crucial to our survival. Because that's what most behaviors and instincts are about: survival.

1. Packs We'll start off easy. A lot of therians express their desire for finding a therian pack. I sometimes hear wolf therians saying it's because their "inner wolf" desperately tries to find some soulmates to be family with. But in reality, as most of you may know, humans are also seriously drawn to forming groups (even with a hierarchy system). This is because it is essential to someone's survival to stick with a group. It's that sense of "belonging" that people are actually after, and that's okay.

2. Being a "lone" wolf Opposite to the human urge to form groups, a lot of therians claim they don't want to be in a pack and that they're generally anti-social. They believe that the lone wolf stays alone and completely fine with this. First of all, a lone wolf is never alone by choice, because every lone wolf either seeks a mate to start a pack with or has walked away/was driven away from their pack to find rest and die. A wolf being alone and staying alone voluntarily goes entirely against their nature, as wolves are pack animals. Now to look at human behaviors, social capabilities really variate per person. Every human eventually has to distance themselves from groups to recharge that social battery. Some people have a very long-running one, and some have a very short-running one. Even tho it may seem to go against that group-forming instinct, it's still a very normal human thing to do.

3. Curling up I often hear wolf therians whine about the fact that their human body is incapable of curling up the way a wolf does when they sleep. I speak from experience that this can indeed be a struggle, as it seems incredibly comfortable. But even though a wolf naturally curls up when they sleep, humans actually also have a rooted urge to curl up or at least make themselves small when they sleep. This posture stems from the fetal posture we had when we were still in our mother's womb. It was scientifically proven that reenacting this position gives a sense of protection. 40% of people actually sleep in this position. [source]

4. The Weather & the seasons I've heard quite some therians mention that the weather and the changes of the season have a great effect on the amount and severity of their shifts. I have the same, and I am not denying that shifts get influenced by these factors. But it is important to note that humans, in fact, also get greatly influenced by weather and seasons. The greatest proof of this is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is the occurrence of a person dealing with great mood swings and states of depression based on the time of the year. A lot of people feel more depressed during winter, for example. This also has to do with the amount of sunlight in comparison to summer. But factors like storms and snow also affect people's moods. It can make them excited and/or tensed.

5. Therian Territory ;) A lot of (wolf) therians such as myself have a big tendency to claim territory in a variety of ways. Wolves mark their territory by urinating everywhere. Although not every therian feels comfortable sharing their potential urges to urinate on trees like so, territorial urges are still expressed within the community. But have you ever wondered why people look for houses to live in? And why there is such a distinct border between what is your private property and the plain unclaimed sidewalk? Territory is linked to social status, for this reason, people often buy bigger houses when they earn more money than average, simply to claim space. In this article, there is some good evidence that human territoriality is, in fact, different from other animals.

6. Alphas This is actually the only point that I'd really like to debunk: what was once known as the wolf hierarchy. When wolves were being studied thoroughly, about their pack system, their behaviors, and body language, they were studied by putting a bunch of unrelated wild wolves in an enclosure. In order to survive, the alpha-beta-omega system formed, and this false theory was spread throughout the entire world. In reality, wolf packs are nothing more than families. The supposed "alphas" are simply the elders or parents of the pack. The betas are often the big sisters, and the omegas would be the pups.The funny part about this theory is that it was later discovered that apes, in fact, do have this hierarchy system... including humans. When humans form a group (not talking about families here), they will actually subconsciously create such a hierarchy system. There's often a leader (alpha), the people who follow that leader (beta), and the people who walk on the sideline, aren't taken as seriously or are even being a little neglected by the rest (omega). 7. Drawn to nature While most therians are particularly drawn to nature-like sceneries, more so than more people, humans in fact still generally feel more connected to nature than the city life. Living in cities is, in my opinion, more of a result of people staying together for better survival and being able to take a shorter distance to work. But naturally, humans have a deep connection with nature. In the world of biology, this is apparently called Biophilia (philia is a New Latin noun-combining form to describe a fondness or love for a specific subject). More about Biophilia can be found in this article.

In all honesty, a lot of therianthropic urges and behaviorism can have some type of nuance from our human nature. It does not make our Therianthropy any less valid (yes, I said the v-word :laugh: ). With this knowledge, I just hope that people are now able to make a better distinction between wolf and human behavior. So I hoped this helped a little, in case you're questioning an animal or researching some therianthropy roots.

Feel free to critique this piece as it was partially from my own memory from a couple of years of research, I'm not trying to play the all-knowing wolf here. I'd also love to know if you guys know more of these wolf behaviors that could be nuanced by human behavior! How many of these did you know about?

[redsector-a]

AO3 Ask Game

I was tagged by @themarshalstale which, thank you so much! I feel like I always get missed on these (I know why, it’s been 84 years since I published anything but still). 1. How many works do you have on ao3?

46 it seems. Which...look I’m slow man so that’s not surprising. lol Also crippling depression does not make for much production, at least for me.

2. What’s your current AO3 wordcount?

309662 according to the stats.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

So do I could only AO3 or in like life? lol I suppose it should only be on AO3 since this is an AO3 ask game. Hrm. Basically AO3 can be summed up as: Marvel (in several iterations - all Avengers related) Torchwood Highlander But isn’t it more fun to consider my entire fandom life, which, I’m sorry, I’m old so...yeah. Not all of this is was published and beyond that a lot is not available anymore...which is likely for the best. Highlander Star Wars Babylon 5 Ronin Warriors/Samurai Troopers Marvel (again, several iterations also of note Avengers and X-Men both count) Torchwood Star Trek LOTR Stargate (SG-1, SGA) Mortal Kombat I dabbled with the idea of Potter fic but never got past the ideas stage.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1: You rearrange me till I’m sane Clint finds himself spiraling into a deep depression after the Battle of New York...until the Winter Soldier ends up saving him and inadvertently giving him a new purpose – to save the man that the Soldier had once been – Bucky Barnes. Not one to be outdone, the Soldier decides that his new mission is to ensure that Clint remains alive himself. Protecting a blonde man with a self-destructive streak is somehow very familiar to him. Through the back and forth of who is saving whom they cross the country and learn more about themselves and each other – and perhaps find a reason for living. 2: Five Dates Bucky Didn’t Realize He Was on And the One He Planned Himself To say that Bucky was surprised when Clint kissed him was an understatement. But it was nothing compared to the shock he felt when he learned they'd been dating for months without him realizing it.Clint gets whisked away for a mission before they have time to talk and Bucky is left to figure things out on his own - hindsight being 20/20 he can't help but wonder how he missed things the first go around.

3: Puck Luck Bucky Barnes is used to the ups and downs of an NHL season. He's used to the unpredictability of the game, knows that bounces don't always go your way, but that doesn't make a broken hand in the final third of the season any easier to deal with. Especially not when he ends up with an impromptu roommate/personal assistant in the form of one Clint Barton - his agent, Natalia Romanova's (rather attractive) friend he hadn't known existed before his injury.

It's just for six to eight weeks - what could possibly happen in that span of time?

4: Loose Lips Launch Ships

Based on the following prompt: “We go to school together and I think you’re cute and apparently you’re also the pizza delivery guy and my little sibling opened the door screaming hey sibling! you know that kid you’re in love with? you really weren’t kidding when you said his jawline could cut steel holy shit-” Bucky is the pizza delivery guy. Clint's younger (foster) brother has a big mouth.

5: Indelible Bucky Barnes has a pretty decent life – a good job, good friends, a cat that adores him - but something is missing. He’s always found body art to be beautiful and inspiring, and on a whim (and with the hope that maybe he can find what he’s missing) he decides to take the plunge and get a tattoo. That's how he meets Clint Barton. Clint's talented and compassionate and there is an instant spark between the two of them. It's not long before Bucky finds himself wondering and wanting more from the relationship despite the ghosts of the past that crop back up. Because Clint makes him feel normal in a way he truly hasn't for years...

(this was pre-Alpine so I was totally chuffed when canon confirmed Bucky’s status as a crazy cat lady (affectionate).

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not.

I really really really want to do it but I often times don’t end up doing it. There are a few reasons. First, I am akwward AF and bad at interaction adn I feel like just saying thank you would be...not enough? Second - I often times tend to like...turtle (aka retreat into myself) when life gets Too Hard/Busy which happens a lot to me (sigh) and then I miss the vague window in my mind in which it would be okay to respond and then it’s even more weird. I do love and cherish all of them. Like there was one months ago that made me go “hmm...I didn’t think I was going to do a sequel to that fic (You rearrange me till I’m sane), timestamp glimpses sure but a sequel hadn’t come to mind” but then the comment made me think! So...who knows? lol Anyway, I literally have been rereading some in an effort to try and get myself going again. Know that if you have commented, I love you.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

At the moment? Probably: Look at you look at me Bucky's in love with Clint - problem is he's really not supposed to be. For Winterhawk Week 2019 - Forbidden Love (I really don’t want to give away the spin in the fic but...if you’re familiar with the Secret Avengers Vol 2 run circa 2013ish (aka when SHIELD initially ‘took control of the team’) that’s a bit of a hint as to the spin). Were it done, Torch Song would be up there. ;) Torch Song Clint is sent back in time, via an alien device, to 1938. While he tries to figure out how to get back home, he takes up singing and entertaining to make ends meet and does his best to not disrupt the timeline.Then he meets a 21 year old Bucky Barnes. --- A torch song is a sentimental love song, typically one in which the singer laments an unrequited or lost love, either where one party is oblivious to the existence of the other, where one party has moved on, or where a romantic affair has affected the relationship.

7. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

Does *wanting* to write crossovers count? lol I want, so badly, to do more crossovers and fusions (which...are kinda deeper versions of crossovers in a way). The only one I do have posted is a crossover between Highlander and Torchwood -

The Immortal Mr. Jones A series of vignettes (some long, some short) in the life of the newly immortal Ianto Jones. My most ambitions project that I have been working on since late 2011/early 2012 is a fusion of the Avengers with Stephen King’s the Stand. I will get that done at some point *shakes fist*  The Stand, for those who don’t know it, is an epic 1000+ page novel about a flu epidemic (I know) that wipes out over 99% of the population and then two figures representing Good and Evil pull the survivors in two directions for a showdown. So basically it’s a non-powered modern AU set in that universe. It’s a passion and comfort project. lol

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. Well, minor bitching back when I was in a prior fandom because I tagged a pairing in a fic but it was pre-slash and not labeled as pre-slash. I got hate on...I think it was Torch Song? And I’ve gotten hate on tumblr re me and my fic in general as well. Fandom! *jazz hands* Oh! And I’ve also been hit by those reviewers within Winterhawk (among general Clint pairings actually) who like rate you on either number scales or the “meh” scale. Which isn’t hate exactly but...it’s passive aggressive bullshit because I can’t believe none of them realize at this point that the authors can see their bookmarks - you know?

9. Do you write smut?

Yes. Do I write it well? I have no idea. lol

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of. Well...there was, I think, one of those reposting sites that had a few fics on it but I don’t think it was being passed off as someone else’s? I can’t quite recall. It’s why I have a note on AO3 about reposting my work anyway.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not entirely, but sort of. Let me explain - I am part of a PBEM game; which for those unfamiliar since it’s a term that was most heavily in use 15-20 years ago, in which you basically do a round robin type writing thing but rather than everyone writing the same characters you write your own characters and you play off what other people have done. Another way of looking at it is  it’s basically DnD without dice and written down rather than done out loud. You also don’t have to all be around at the same time. It’s a lot of fun and yes I have been in it for 20 years even though there aren’t many of us left but they are some of my dearest friends and fabulous writers. Wins all around.  One of the other writers and I have actually toyed with the idea of doing a co-written fic actually, mostly because we work super well together and keep getting ideas for things but can’t really do them as rpgs since the pbem style isn’t used much anymore.

12. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Winterhawk probably. Though, let’s be real - Han & Leia are epic and amazing as are John & Delenn (from Babylon 5).

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Does wanting to expand The Black Stallion books as a wee child count? lol Not much of that was written save for world building ideas but there was a great oral tradition of telling stories to my friends. Otherwise...maybe a tie between Star Wars and Highlander. Star Wars was a love since I was super young but the writing bug didn’t hit me until around the same time Highlander was a thing as well.

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? You rearrange me till I’m sane for sure. Though Torch Song, if it were finished, would be tied I imagine (I suck at picking favorites). Honorable mention to Puck Luck and Indelible. Tagging: I have seen this like a million times (okay 5) so I feel like everyone has been tagged already that I know. But...I guess... @vexbatch @crazycatt71 @heartonfirewrites and @disruptedvice sorry if anyone has been tagged before.

[thechampagnecircus]

The weather can influence our moods.  A sunny day will reflect it’s warmth and promise onto a troubled mind, while insecurities or worry can be personified by grey skies.  This is why we get seasonal depression or start feeling anxious when the cold temperatures and brown snow of winter linger around too long.  A general malaise can sweep over us if the presence of drab, aggressive or cheerless conditions persist.  Everyone everywhere always says things like “If you don’t like the weather, wait 15 minutes” which is usually accompanied by a bellowing chuckle and elbow jab. As eye-rolly as this comment is after you hear it a million times, there is truth to it. I grew up hearing that in New England and Calgary is no different.  Snow in May, not weird at all.  It’s actually a rule of thumb; never go camping over May long weekend, its notoriously known for it’s rubbish weather.  

My husband has never really understood this sentimental relationship with good vs bad weather.  His mood is rarely affected by such trivial things while I am incredibly empathic. I can interpret anything into a feeling, and sometimes it can be an obstacle while others a strength.  It is the stereotypical blessing and curse, for sure. While he views it with a level head, he has his own interesting rapport with the weather. He checks it obsessively in order to determine tee times and ski trips.  Inevitably getting very frustrated when the anticipated weather is inaccurate.  Whenever he is fastidiously breaking down each forecast, I tease him by saying “ Oh ok, Joe Cupo”, who was the local weatherman from where I grew up. A little inside joke to point out we are not meteorologists, therefore predictions are just that.  His analysis  of it can get out of control, just like my emotions can.  

Everything is about perception. While my mood can mirror the weather, other times the weather will echo how I feel.  That brings us to today.  It is dreary and wet outside.  The wind is blowing through the crab apple tree splaying its beautiful blossoms all over the lawn in a Jackson Pollock like splattering.  It is cool out, but still has a spirit of spring coiling in the air.  The muted grey unease of the clouds and drizzling rain isn’t speaking in negativity.  It feels more like an oath of coziness.  A time to snuggle inside, take a moment to rest and admire the rain rather than refute it.  It is the replenishing water of springtime, vowing to green up the budding trees and anxious blooms.  

The forecast for the next week is all rain, so perhaps after a few days of constant wet and grey I may be singing a different tune.  But for today, I welcome the cool hug of the rainy day.  Bring our city to life with your showers of renewal and fully usher us into a hopeful season ahead.

Copyright © 2021 Carly Eddy.

[notveryglittery]

we could fall through december

summary: winter made everything so slow. roman didn’t think it fair.  ship: romantic roceit (roman/deceit) / wc: 1,600 warnings: sympathetic deceit, self-doubt/hatred, seasonal affective disorder, emotional outburst. let me know if i need to add anything. a/n: first fic of 2020 and it’s a gift!! feels good, feels organic. hope you like this, @rusted-but-golden <3 

read on ao3 | @fandersfic-roceit​

—  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  —  — 

Roman wondered what it was keeping him from getting out of bed.

Was it the “loss of interest?” Maybe it was the “sleep deprivation.” It just as well could have been the “lack of concentration.” Knowing his luck, it was all of the above. It was every symptom Google had listed, the apathy and the mood swings and the fatigue. He had so many things to do. There was plenty of time to do them. It was barely even noon yet which meant he had the entire day to finish the projects he’d started…

The clock flashed mockingly at him, reading 3:27. The projects he’d started had been ages ago. He couldn’t remember the last time he had picked them up. He wasn’t even sure what the date was.

Roman rolled over, burying his face into his pillow. It made breathing unnecessarily difficult. Kind of like how everything else was unnecessarily difficult. Like, why couldn’t he just kick the blankets off and get his feet on the ground? He was a prince! He was a knight! He was tough, self-assured, resilient! He had faced monsters larger than this. He faced blows to his ego like this daily.

Why did the lack of sunshine make so much of a difference?

Besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t have plenty of sunshine in his life already! Patton himself might as well have counted as one’s regular dose of vitamin D. Sometimes, Roman was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of Virgil’s smile or to hear a rare but treasured laugh from Logan. Those alone ought to have been enough to combat any gloomy day.

Finally lifting his head, Roman narrowed his eyes, squinting out the window. Not to mention, Thomas lived in Florida! The Mindscape should have reflected that. They barely had winter! It was more like extended fall. It didn’t even snow or rain (save for their consistent 3pm storm that lasted no more than an hour every day). Sure, the sun was obscured often by cloud cover but… well, it was still there! He had no excuse to be all mopey and sluggish just because the temperature had dropped.

…

Maybe he ought to just take a nap. Roman blinked, hard, and released a frustrated groan. With more effort than he’d care to admit, he lifted his arm and scrubbed the heel of his palm against his eyes, which had, quite rudely, begun to burn suddenly with tears. This was so stupid! Forcing himself to sit up felt like a herculean task, but he shoved the covers away and reached blindly for his bedside table. Instead of grabbing a tissue, though, his uncoordinated movements instead just knocked the box of Kleenex to the floor.

“Oh, come on!” He snapped, choking back a sob.

A knock sounded at the door.

“I’m busy,” he called back, without hesitation.

“You’re lying,” responded the visitor.

Roman muttered a curse under his breath. Any other day, he’d be delighted to see his beloved. As it were, he’d been avoiding Deceit just as much as he’d been avoiding everyone else. Was it a good idea to isolate himself when there was a figurative (might as well have been literal) storm cloud hovering over his head? Of course not. Not like he ever had any good ideas to begin with, anyway.

“Roman,” Deceit purred from the other side of the door.

“Fine, fine,” Roman sighed, unlocking the door with a halfhearted snap of his fingers. “Come in, then.”

At least Deceit’s arrival had distracted him from crying any more. Running a hand through his hair to try and tame his bedhead, Roman watched as Deceit let himself in. He closed the door gently behind him. He looked as exquisite as always, not a hair or thread out of place. He was carrying two containers.

“Move over,” Deceit said, seating himself on the mattress without waiting.

He set the tupperware down and turned to Roman. His eyes scanned over Roman’s face. A lot of good his poker face did him when Roman was intimately aware of every one of Deceit’s expressions and facial tics by now.

“Hi,” Deceit said softly.

“Hey,” Roman replied, muted.

Roman shifted, pulling the sheets more tightly around his waist. God, he hated winter. It was so cold. He didn’t even have the energy to conjure a space heater or electric blankets.

“Brought you lunch,” Deceit offered, picking one of the meals up and prying the lid off.

The container was full of grilled cheese sandwiches, cut into hearts. Roman looked at Deceit, unable to resist grinning a little bit.

“Patton insisted on helping,” Deceit grumbled.

Roman reached for the other and found it filled with tomato bisque. It was warm in his hands. Without a care in the world, he lifted the bowl to his mouth and drank the soup straight from it. His arms ached doing so but damn if it didn’t taste good.

“There are spoons, you know!” Deceit said, scowling.

Roman licked his lips. “Sorry.”

They ate in relative silence after that. Sometimes they took turns dipping the grilled cheeses into the soup. At one point, Roman shyly held up one of his half-eaten heart shaped sandwiches and Deceit rolled his eyes as he held his own half up against Roman’s. Deceit would talk occasionally; about Virgil and Patton taking up the living room for a blanket fort that no one else was allowed in; about Thomas and Joan’s latest additions to Reasons to Smile; about the debate he and Logan had recently regarding whether or not Pluto was a planet.

“Did he end it with viva la Pluto, fuck you?” Roman asked, reaching forward to… His fingers twitched and he pulled back, looking away.

“Of course he did,” Deceit answered. He waved a hand and the containers disappeared. A heated blanket appeared in their place. “Come here, then.”

Roman hesitated. Deceit twirled a finger in the air, changing into comfy loungewear. The next movement was directed at Roman, whose pajamas were replaced with clean ones that smelled just slightly of lavender. Deceit shoved the blanket into Roman’s lap.

God, again with the stupid tears—

“Shh,” Deceit hushed him, hands coming up to cradle Roman’s face gently. “I know. It’s okay.”

“It isn’t,” Roman croaked, allowing himself to curl his fingers around one of Deceit’s wrists. “I’m supposed to be str… stronger than this.”

“Is Patton weak when he has his Days?”

“Of course not,” Roman defended, vehemently.

“Surely, Virgil is when he panics over the tiniest of things.”

“He isn't!”

“Then why, Roman, would you think yourself weak for this?”

“It’s just a lack of sunlight,” Roman scoffed, dropping his hand to his lap, where he proceeded to pick at his chipped nail polish. He tried to turn away, tried to break their locked gaze. He was pathetic enough without having to see Deceit’s pitying expression.

“Ro,” Deceit interrupted those thoughts, tone scolding. He let Roman go, knowing better than to keep his hold when it wasn’t wanted. “Logan’s with Thomas right now but don’t think for a second that I won’t call him here if that’s what it takes.”

“We’re not going to bother him with this—”

“Bother?”

“You know what I mean!”

“Actually, I don’t,” Deceit disagreed, sneering. He hated when it came to that. “Why don’t you explain it to me?”

“The first result for "things people also ask" when you search for seasonal affective disorder is whether or not it’s real,” Roman snapped. “And I’m not real, not technically, so how can something like seasonal fucking depression affect me!”

Roman gestured towards the floor to ceiling windows that comprised one wall of his room. The sky was bright blue. “Even if it did, I have complete control over the Fantasy Realm. I could just pop in for a few hours of basking in the sunshine and I’d be all better! I can’t even do that, though!”

“Dearheart, you know vitamin D in the Fantasy Realm would work just as well as hugs and food do.” Deceit tried not to think about the last time Roman had forgotten this. It’d been… frightening, to say the least.

“They literally have lamps that do the same thing but go off I guess.”

“Alright.” Deceit said abruptly.

He grabbed the heated blanket and draped it over Roman’s shoulders. Then, with perhaps more force than necessary, he pushed Roman back down onto the pillows.

“Hey!” Roman shouted, not appreciating being manhandled, thank you very much.

Deceit didn’t answer and instead just sprawled himself on top of Roman’s chest. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but whenever you start to talk bad about yourself, one of the reasons is because you’re touch-starved.”

“I am not—!” Roman would have finished his sentence if Deceit hadn’t buried a hand into his hair and scraped his nails along his scalp. Goosebumps erupted on his arms and at the back of his neck. “That…” Roman’s eyes slid shut. “That is cheating.”

“We’re not done talking about this,” Deceit promised, carding his fingers through Roman’s locks. “Right now, though, I think you could just use some physical affection and a nap.”

“I’m…” Roman sighed, melting under Deceit’s gentle touches.

“Hmm?” Deceit hummed, shifting so that he was a bit more comfortable and so that Roman could still breathe easily. “What is it, my articulate amor?”

“M’sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” Deceit insisted, leaning up just close enough to press a kiss to Roman’s jaw. He tucked his face into the crook of Roman’s neck.

“... Okay,” Roman agreed haltingly. “I love you, darling.”

“I love you, your highness. Rest now.”

Whatever Roman had wanted to say was overtaken by a huge yawn. He shuffled as best he could further under the blankets, warmth wrapped around his shoulders and laid reassuringly on top of him. The idea of returning to this discussion scared him more than he thought it ought to but… He supposed he could work through it if he had someone so secure and patient like Deceit to help him.

[jedivszombie]

Even though I’ll still be here clowning for the winter break I just wanted to make a little post to get some things off my chest about what this season has meant to me and stuff. WARNING: there will be emotions and soppiness beneath the cut. 

So anyone who knows me outside of tumblr and who has been here for a while, or who has just interacted with me over the last few months will know that the last 3 years have been pretty bad for me and this year in particular has been particularly rough (as I am sure it has for everyone). 

I started out the beginning of the year super stressed in the first few months of a new job and quickly having to learn on the job after they fired a bunch of people. My Dad kicked me out around February and I had to try and look for new places, whilst also dealing with work stress which was massively affecting my mental health. Just as all of this was happening COVID was starting to be taken seriously and that did not help things, but it did mean I got to stay with my parents still. So basically I was a mess, everything else was a mess and I was hardcore struggling and felt like I had very little support etc. 

Since then I have actually been diagnosed with anxiety and depression (after YEARS of having symptoms and struggling alone) and been in a position to try and do things about it. I also had a work related breakdown just before Summer and then I had another bigger breakdown last month, and am currently signed off (love that for me). 

Now if you have gotten this far you may be asking, what the hell does this have to do with F1? 

I have been watching F1 since I was literally 17 days old (shoutout to Japan 1995) and it’s always been something I’ve loved and enjoyed. I had a short break when I started Uni because I couldn’t watch it much but then I returned with even more love in about 2016. 

ANYWAY, F1 is something that I’ve always thought of as a family thing because I’ve grown up watching it with my parents and talking about it and it’s basically Football for us. I have never had friends who like it and have usually been mocked for liking it etc, because it’s boring etc etc. 

But then this season rolled around and as my mental health continued to deteriorate I decided to hop back over to Tumblr properly because it’s like coming home and I feel like I can really be myself here (in all my unhinged, annoying glory). 

And I just wanna say that as horrendous and shit as this year has been for me I have really enjoyed this F1 season and especially here on tumblr. This year I got into FE properly and F2 and even watched Le Mans for the first time. 

I challenged myself by joining two discord servers - where despite not talking much to begin with I have managed to meet some really awesome people. 

I have always felt like I’m on the fringes despite being a fan for my whole life, and I still am, but this year F1 has reunited me with writing (something I absolutely love but have struggled to do over the past few years) and led me to start making some great friends, and I’ve tried new things (like fancams which I am obsessed with making). 

I’m always on the hunt for a place I belong and a community, and I have incredible friends outside of tumblr who I love so much, and I think I have found some really neat people thanks to F1 and I’m feeling like I kinda belong somewhere. 

If you have stuck with this ramble through to now, thank you. This is all just to say that I appreciate everyone who just lets me go absolutely wild and unhinged in their ask boxes, who are chill with me messaging them nonsense all the time and who have really made an effort to make me feel welcomed at a time where I have felt super unwanted and Bad. Y’all rock. 

[plasticnightmaredoll]

I thought I'd make some comments about the first episode of "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier," kind of in the same way I made a post about my thoughts on the "WandaVision" season finale. I don't plan on doing a post with my thoughts, opinions, and theories for EVERY episode of TFatWS because a) I don't have that kind of time or patience, b) Things are probably going to change left and right as the series progresses, just like in "WandaVision" so I don't see a need to document all of this, c) I ramble enough as it is lol

Of course, there are spoilers under the cut, so if you haven't seen the first episode, then I suggest you...don't look under the cut! If you have seen the episode and just want to see what another MCU/Marvel fan thinks, or if you don't care about spoilers, then have at it.

I will say that the first episode of "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier" (I'm going to refer to it as TFatWS from now on because that title is long af) was good and brought forth lots of mystery and intrigue, but it didn't grab my attention quite as much as the first episode of "WandaVision." But this may be due to the fact that WV was just so bizarre right from the start, and there were tons of questions right out the door. So, the mystery (and confusion) was more intense than for TFatWS.

I still plan on finishing TFatWS, but I hope it picks up a little more in the next episodes.

Another thing I will mention that's really not much of a spoiler: Poor Bucky! Just like Wanda, he needs a damn break already 😭

And lastly, I haven't read any Marvel comics because I just don't have the time, energy, patience, sanity right now to devote to them. That, and I have always preferred manga (Berserk is still my favorite manga/graphic novel of all time. Hell, it's my favorite fictional story of all time! And the 90s anime is one of my favorite series ever). My Marvel knowledge is heavily based on what the MCU has provided, but I do know things that happen in the comics because I do read up on various comparisons between the comics and the MCU entries and people's theories based on the comics. So, I'm not completely clueless.

Ok, spoiler time!

I don't really have a list of things I liked and disliked for this first episode of TFatWS because it's just way too early for that kind of stuff, and who knows where the series is going to go from here. I'll just make a list of thoughts and opinions:

James "Bucky" Barnes/The Winter Soldier

POOR BUCKY! I mean, goddamn, this man can't get a break. We see just how much his time as a Hydra agent affected him, causing him to have nightmares about those he killed while brainwashed. He's closed himself off from others because he's depressed, burdened with immense guilt, and probably feels like he's not worth helping at this point.

I also like how we got to see just how negatively he was affected by being at war for so long. He'd be put into hibernation by Hydra, and awoke every time to go kill some people. Rinse and repeat. That was his life, which isn't much of a life if you ask me. The same happened when he was freed from their control and while it's understandable why he had to fight in "Infinity War" and "Endgame," it was clearly a lot for him to handle. He didn't get a lot of peace, and even now that things have settled, he still has no peace.

At first, I was wondering why Bucky was going out of his way to befriend his elderly neighbor, Mr. Nakashima since he wasn't associating with anyone else, not even Sam. Then we find out that Bucky was the one who murdered the old man's son why under Hydra control. He can't bring himself to tell Mr. Nakashima because it's too painful and he's too ashamed. He's trying to prepare for it, I suppose, by befriending the man, but at the same time, I don't think it's going to be less unpleasant to deliver the news.

I literally felt heartbroken for Bucky when I realized that he had killed Mr. Nakashima's son. Like, omfg, Bucky, this poor guy...he has to live with these painful memories of things he was forced to do and it's depressing to witness.

I know it seems weird that no one recognizes who Bucky is, but I have a theory on that: Those that do are people who actually know him or those who have seen his face at the Smithsonian. Those who don't recognize him may never have been to the museum or simply didn't remember his face. I mean, Captain America was the main focus of the exhibit, and he was in the public eye all the time, so Bucky could easily be forgotten. Also, after the Blip, people clearly have had a lot to deal with after being missing for several years while the rest of the world put itself back together. Bucky is the least of their concerns.

Sam Wilson/Falcon

Sam, our good boy Sam. I was expecting him to keep Captain America's shield, even if he didn't use it right away. I mean, I know in "Endgame" he said it feels like it belongs to someone else, but I thought he'd change his mind and keep it. But he ends up donating it to the Captain America exhibit, which was unfortunate. I mean, I understand why, and I thought, "Well, he can just go grab it later" but then...well, that's going to be discussed later.

I was glad Sam kept trying to reach out to Bucky despite how things seemed very tense between them before. I can understand why he didn't just visit in person because that would have overwhelmed Bucky. I am suffering from severe depression and I know how difficult it can be to have a surprise guest attempt to make chit chat. Not fun.

We find out how Sam's sister has been trying to make ends meet during the Blip. Things aren't going well financially for her, and she is considering selling their father's boat to bring in some much-needed funds. Sam tries to help by convincing her to go to a bank and take out a loan. He hopes that his status could help influence the bank's decision as well.

But that isn't in the cards. The bank can't approve the loan because now there are regulations post-Blip regarding such matters. Not even Sam's status as Falcon -- an AVENGER -- amounts to much. Then the accountant awkwardly behaved like a fanboy during the whole meeting, even going so far as to ask for a selfie from Sam during the most inconvenient moment. This scene shows, to me, that being an Avenger doesn't change everything, yet, they're still famous and loved (for the most part). It's a strange feeling: "We love you guys for all you've done, but yeah, we can't really help you out."

I'm glad Marvel is choosing to show the negative effects of the Blip. It's great everyone returned but...everyone literally popped back into existence. We saw some of this chaos in "WandaVision," and we're seeing more in TFatWS. It's a realistic approach because, like, yeah, people being gone for several years, presumed forever missing then suddenly reappearing out of thin air is pretty extreme. Not to mention, those who returned didn't always find their loved ones and friends waiting for them (i.e. Monica's mother died during the Blip)

Flag Smasher

Not much to say here other than we have a new villain to watch out for who clearly has superhuman abilities. The cause that his group stands for threatens to make things even worse post-Blip than they already are, and geez, give people a break already! But you always have fanatics that will terrorize others for a cause.

Captain America 2.0

Who is this random white boy and why is he the new Captain America? I know who he is from the comics but that doesn't make it any better. It just makes it worse! This guy's going to be a disaster, clearly.

Sam realized at that moment he fucked up by giving the shield away, but this can only mean he'll find a way to retrieve and -- hopefully -- take up the Captain America mantle. Captain Falcon? Captain America Falcon? Captain Falcon America? I suppose you can have fun with that.

[gnenvs3000-20]

My friend Mother Nature

I think the most amazing thing about nature is its connection to humans. My mood almost always depends on the weather outside. If I wake up and it’s dark and gloomy outside, I can almost never just get out of bed right away. My friends and I always talk about this because they feel the same. I think in general, majority if not all students would agree with me when I say that if it’s dark outside when I wake up, then I am going back to bed. The dark and gloomy days are almost always my least productive days as well. I always feel low on energy, motivation and inspiration on those days. However, when the sun is out then I'm always up and ready to go. The sunny days always go by great for me, and are always my most productive days too. Another example is seasonal depression. Seasonal depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a kind of depression that is related to seasonal changes. Seasonal depression has sort of become an ongoing joke amongst students and although we all joke about it, I know the jokes come from a place that understands the depths of the disorder. Obviously not every student is diagnosed with actual seasonal affective disorder, but I know we all at least share similar feelings of sadness that come from the darker and colder days in the winter. The winters are really tough as students, and I can vouch for that. 

I don’t know the exact moment I made the correlation between my mood and the weather because for as long as I can remember I've been associating the two. However, I do remember this conversation I had with my grandmother, when I was younger. I got in trouble for running around my grandma’s flowers with my soccer ball and cleats. I tripped and scraped my knees, and while I was crying about my knee, it began pouring rain outside. My grandmother was obviously annoyed about her garden, so she said “look you even made mother nature upset and now she’s crying!” Instantly I felt bad, and so I stopped crying and made a note to be extra careful around my grandma’s garden. The comment to my grandma was nothing other than a trick to get me to stop crying, but to me, it left a hefty mark on my little 6 year old brain. After that moment, any time it would rain, I would wonder why mother nature was sad, and the fact that she was sad made me sad too. As a little delusional 6 year old, I really thought me and mother nature had some kind of bond. Another very vivid memory I have, is of me walking home from the school bus on a half day. I was in the 7th grade, and our school did half days occasionally, so I was walking back from my bus stop and I wasn’t feeling the greatest. The whole day was kind of gloomy and occasionally it would sprinkle rain, so I guess it really impacted my mood too. I made it to my house and no one was answering the door, so I sat on the porch playing on my iPod touch, waiting for my mom to get home. The rain began to pick up so I decided to let myself in through the garage door. I got inside and usually I would turn the TV on, but I was still very sad for some reason and now since it was raining, I just felt the need to cry. I cried for a while and eventually got myself together and was making myself a snack when the phone rang. It was my mom so I picked up and she began apologizing saying she forgot it was a half day, and she had to rush somewhere urgently and she would be home in a few hours. She wasn’t telling me where she was, but I kept asking over and over, so she finally broke and told me that my uncle had just passed away and she was in the hospital. My uncle had been fighting cancer for two years at that point, and it looked like he was winning the battle, up until we got the news of his sudden passing. Suddenly, everything made sense to me, I was sad because somewhere downtown in the hospital my uncle was taking his last breaths, and as always mother nature was crying with me. 

These two memories have been some of my core memories as a child, and I think they dictated my relationship with nature. I’m a lot older now, more wise and definitely not the same little delusional 6 year old, but I still feel like nature is tied to all of our emotions and wellness, just as I thought it was back then. This is what is amazing about nature to me.

References:

Mayo Clinic. (Oct. 27, 2017). Seasonal affective disorder. Retrieved October 29th, 2020 from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651

[unsettledink]

Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any. 

But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections. 

*

Your main fandom of the year? 

    Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.

Your favorite film watched this year?

    The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.

Your favorite book read this year?

    Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.

Your favorite tv show watched this year?

    Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me? 

     You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ‘hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy. 

Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

    1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

    I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it. 

    Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say. 

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

    The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else. 

    Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

    Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still. 

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

    Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out. 

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

    SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series. 

I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.

You know. If any of it is released for real.

The Good: 

I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.

The Bad: 

Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.

The Indifferent: 

Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??). 

*

2020 fic stats

Number of stories: 39

Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu

Total number of words: 152049

Average word count per story: 4kish

Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)

Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)

Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)

Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.

Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)

Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang

*

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

    SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.

Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:

    Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck. 

Leitmotif of the year:

    Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt. 

Favorite character to write about: 

    Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out. 

Favorite kind of fic to write:

    This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness. 

    And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I? 

Biggest disappointment:

    Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k. 

Biggest surprise:

    Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form! 

    I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.

Something you learned this year:

    Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more. 

    Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.

    I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle. 

    My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire. 

Most memorable comment: 

    So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’. 

What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(

    All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.

    Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?

Goals:

   I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!

    Aside from writing - 

    I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong. 

    I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all. 

And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people. 

    I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.

    I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER). 

*

(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)

[jadelotusflower]

September Roundup

So it wasn’t a very productive month, writing wise. I think I wrote less than 1000 words due to various RL issues (a shoulder impingement giving me grief among other things). I can’t entirely blame that, but nor am I going to dwell. It’s my birthday tomorrow, and while I’m having the usual existential crisis about another year slipping by almost unnoticed and without significant accomplishment, I am resolved to return to my novel and get at least the first draft finished by the end of the year. We’ll see how that goes.

In the meantime, I’ve at least been reading more. I’ve also consumed too much film/tv instead of writing, but hey.

The Testaments by Margaret Atwood - the long-awaited sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale, this was an engrossing read, if perhaps not what people were expecting. While I agree with some of the criticism, I really enjoyed this book.

Like the original novel, it takes the form of primary sources from the rule of Gilead, in Aunt Lydia’s secret chronicle, and “witness testimony” from two young women - one who grew up within Gilead, and the other outside. It’s fairly obvious from the beginning who they are, but I’ll avoid spoilers. Events become a little convenient towards the end, but it’s a great improvement on the tv show’s third season where things just became ludicrously easy and consequence free. I don’t think Atwood will ever write again in this world, but there is still so much to explore and I hope she does.

Henry VIII and the Men Who Made Him by Tracy Borman - As far as Tudor biographies go, there’s nothing much new here, but it is an interesting character study of Henry VIII through the men who had the greatest influence on him, especially as a young despot in the making. Through this lens it really does become just so shockingly clear that with a few exceptions, almost everyone of importance in Henry’s life goes through the same cycle of being built up, brought close, and rewarded, but then cast aside or crushed by his unchallenged power and narcissism - and often on very flimsy pretext. 

Top End Wedding - I love a romcom, and this was really charming - it’s now on Netflix so I highly recommend. Starring and co-written by Miranda Tapsell, and directed by Wayne Blair (who also directed The Sapphires - a must see if you haven’t), it’s a film that shows great love to classic American and British romcoms (and the tropes are all there), but also uniquely Australian (Tapsell and Blair are both Indigenous, and care was taken to liaise with the Aboriginal communities where filming took place to ensure that proper approvals were given and and respect paid to the traditional owners). The backdrop of the Northern Territory is just beyond gorgeous, and this just the kind of heartwarming fare needed in these Trying Times (TM).

Bill and Ted Face the Music - As is this! I’ve loved the first two Bill and Ted movies since I was a kid, and was so happy that they’ve finally completed the trilogy. Look, it’s not high art, and you’d be forgiven for thinking this is just another cash grab off the sequel-reboot merry go round, but this was made with such clear love and affection for the originals that I just don’t care.

Here’s the thing: I hate an unnecessarily reboot as much as the next person - I don’t think there’s any point remaking something unless you have something new to say about the material. I also hate the “bleakquel” - where the only idea to follow up the original material is to tear it down just to rebuild it the same but without the heart (looking at you Star Wars). However, I am a sucker for the follow up/sequel just to catch up with those characters you love and see how they’re doing 10, 20, 30 years later. It’s familiar, it’s comforting, and sometimes that’s all it needs to be. Really, that’s all B&T FTM is, but I was perfectly satisfied by it.

Maybe there’s nothing more this film has to say than Be Excellent to Each Other (again), but honestly that’s a message I think we all need right now. There’s of course more to it than that - for the first time, we see a Bill and Ted who have become disillusioned that despite mastering so many different forms of music, they haven’t found The Song that will align the planets and bring out world peace etc, despite their most valiant attempts (That Which Binds Us Through Time: The Chemical, Physical and Biological Nature of Love: An Exploration of the Meaning of Meaning, Part 1 is a neat joke but also a legitimate banger complete with throat singing, a theremin, and bagpipes). And SPOILERS: In the end they discover honestly the only possible answer: that The Song itself doesn’t matter, it’s the world united through music, playing together, that brings everything into balance.

Does all the time travel work within the established rules of the universe? Not really - we see alternate Bill and Teds of the future without any explanation of alternate timelines. Are Samara Weaving (as Thea Preston) and Brigette Lundy-Paine (as Billie Logan) essentially doing impression of Winters and Reeves? Sure, but they are so charming that I don’t care.

Now, there are some obvious holes - covid made reshoots/pickups impossible so the opening “where are they now” montage got nixed, there was clearly more story for Elizabeth and Joanna (”the Princesses”) that is sadly missing, and the ending is very abrupt, but circumstances being what they are I can see why they decided to work with what they had and release the film, which is an antidote to the current, depressing state of the world, and at least in my view, a worthy third and final part of the Bill and Ted trilogy. (But I wouldn’t say no to a time-travel through music history show with Billie and Thea).

Disclosure (dir. Sam Feder) - a fantastic documentary exploring the representation of trans people in film and television, which sadly has often vacillated between lack of representation to misrepresentation, but with hope that things are slowly improving. A really worthwhile watch.

Enola Holmes (dir. Harry Bradbeer) - Twas charming! I hadn’t read (or even heard of) the YA books this is based on, and am uninterested in Stranger Things, but found this very entertaining and Millie Bobby Brown delightful in the title role. There was also a nice balance in the supporting cast, in that they resisted the urge to stack the decks too high in Enola’s favour, or make all the characters around her completely incompetent so she’s only heroic by default. She is clever and accomplished, but also finds that practicing jiu-jitsu is very different to an actual fight against someone trying to kill her.

Fleabag (seasons 1-2) - I never want to be too harsh on movies or tv that have been hyped to the heavens, because expectations are always too high and are rarely met. I liked this show, but did find all the smug asides and looks to camera a little grating in the first season. I enjoyed the second season a lot more, because while Fleabag was still a screw up, she wasn’t stealing money from her date’s wallet level terrible, so there was more of an emotionally satisfying arc (+ Andrew Scott who is always great), and I felt the humour was pitched a bit better. Olivia Coleman was the standout for me (isn’t she always?) as the Godmother, whose smiling, passive-aggressive villainy was masterful and worth watching for that alone.

Lucifer (seasons 1-2) - This show has crossed my tumblr dash for years, but I’m not really fond of crime procedurals. I am fond of mythology so seeing as the whole thing’s now on Netflix I decided to give it a go, and I have to say I am intrigued by the concept of the devil as a wayward son whose punishment for rebelling against God was to spend eternity punishing others, rather than straight-up evil incarnate. So far the procedural side of things is ho hum, but I am enjoying the mythology side, and Tom Ellis is very very handsome. I’m also pleasantly surprised at the number of female characters in the main and supporting cast and their treatment - they are actually allowed to talk and be friends with one another. Can you believe?!?

[alluringoneirataxia]

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[littlemisssquiggles]

RWBY Remarks: Oscar’s Talk with Ironwood (RWBY V7 CH7)

This isn’t going to be like one of my usual posts. Let’s just say that this squiggle meister really, really loved the scene between Oscar and General Ironwood from today’s episode---RWBY V7 Chapter 7. I enjoyed it so much that I’m going to be that nerd and quote all of it in this one post for future analysis and reference because that’s how much I loved it. I’ll also share some of my thoughts on this particular moment since…as I’ll reiterate, it was REALLY GOOD!

 (Oscar and Ironwood down in the Vault of the Winter Maiden)

 Ironwood: It’s right behind that door.

Oscar: The Staff of Creation.

Ironwood: I hoped bringing you down here might jog some memories; after all it was your idea to use the staff to life Atlas off the ground.

Oscar: I thought gravity dust kept Atlas afloat.

Ironwood: That’s the public story. But with the staff, we have a constant, seemingly limitless energy source. Ozpin speculated it could take us as high as we wanted. To tell you the truth, that served for the inspiration for the Amity Project. Get a communication tower up in the sky, higher than the Grimm could survive so we never lose contact with each other again.

Oscar: But…you’re not using the staff to raise Amity.

Ironwood: The staff could only be used for one purpose at a time. We’re going to have to do Amity the old fashioned way. Dust and all.

Oscar: Feels strange; knowing a part of me helped come up with all of this.

Ironwood: You’ll get used to it, I’m sure. Eventually, you won’t even know who’s who anymore.

Oscar: …Right.

Ironwood: We…didn’t always see eye to eye but…I wish I could ask Ozpin what he thought of all of this.

Oscar: Well, I can tell you what I think. The path you’re heading down, where you’re the only one with the answers, where you do the thing you think is right no matter the cost, it’s NOT going to take you anywhere good.

Ironwood: We have to stop Salem. Nothing matters more.

Oscar: Some things matter more. I think. Keeping our humanity. It’s what makes us different from her.

Ironwood: Sometimes I worry that’s her greatest advantage. Without humanity, does she still feel fear? Does she ever hesitate? When Salem hit Beacon, even with all my ships, all of my soldiers, I was no match for her. I’ve never felt so helpless, the way she told me she was there.

Oscar: It’s okay to be afraid. You can’t just let that fear control you.

Ironwood: I am not going to end up like Lionheart. Do you believe in me?

Oscar: I do believe in you. But not only you. I think the best thing you could do is sit down and talk with the people you’re most afraid to.

Ironwood. Now you are starting to sound like him.

Some Squiggly Thoughts on This Scene:

 “I do believe in you. But not only you.”

Gosh I f***ing love that line and I love Oscar even more for saying it! Tell ‘em my BOY!

As a matter of fact, I love this whole scene. Tattoo it on my back. It’s that good, well at least in my opinion.

“Now you are starting to sound like him.”

…Jimmy, my boy you couldn’t be anymore wrong:. 

Oscar is something else. He’s different from Ozpin. Different from all the other wizards and I believe even more now that his perspective on things will make his experience as the new Wizard a whole lot more spectacular. 

Sorry to waste a post on this but I needed to caption this entire conversation. Not just for future analystic reasons  but because I loved it so much. There is so much to gather from this one talk and it’s sad I can’t muse on it right now.

But what I will say from what I’ve gathered is my concern for Ironwood. Fear really is his Baobab like I had theorized and if he doesn’t remove it soon; it’ll lead to him losing his humanity. 

With the exception of Glynda Goodwitch, I believe, each member of Ozpin’s Inner Circle---at least the men---- had a particular qualm about them that they succumbed to, based on the Oz character they draw inspiration from.

Qrow, I guess in his depression over learning the truth, succumbed to his alcoholism which you can say is a habit of his carelessness. Sometimes people who act careless commit foolish acts and we saw that with Qrow last season in V6 where he spent most of his time drinking himself into a stupor instead of banding together with the children to come up with a better solution. 

I guess in a way, this shows that Qrow is no different than the kids? Qrow was only a child---no older than our young heroes---- when he met Ozpin and he spent most of his life following in his wisdom and guidance. 

And after Oz “disappeared”, Qrow was left without a voice to guide him too like a scarecrow without a brain.

Lionheart succumbed to his fears. And now, Ironwood is at the risk of losing his humanity which is synonymous with the tin man needing a heart. 

I don’t wish to imagine how James would be if he didn’t act with empathy and compassion. The irony is that you can sort of say that he is  doing this already---sure he’s been looking out for the People of Atlas but he hasn’t even considered what his actions are doing to the People of Mantle. 

Imagine what it would be like if James just stops caring about anyone all together and the only thing that mattered to him was stopping Salem. 

I think this is what today’s episode is alluding to. At some point, I believe James will fall prey fully to his Baobab and will plot to go stop Salem---not even thinking about how the consequences of his actions might affect EVERYONE.

In the end, no one will matter to James. Not Winter. Not Penny. Not Pietro. Not even the People of Atlas. Not even the People of Remnant for that matter.

I think his goal of stopping Salem will become his main focus and all the humanity that he once had where he cared about people and trusted in others---all that won’t matter to him anymore. It’ll be all what he thinks is right. 

 This now makes me wonder what will happen if ‘this version of James’---a one driven into his own paranoia of one primary goal---one primary programming to stop Salem at all costs---how would he feel when he learns that the thing he’s been obsessing over to the point of losing himself to it, is all for not?

How would James feel after realizing that he can’t stop Salem at all…especially after he’s given up everything---meaning his humanity---to stop her?! 

I’m actually REALLY FREAKING INTRIGUED AND EXCITED by this now.

And we wouldn’t have gotten this conversation if it weren’t for Oscar lending his insight. Speaking of, can I just reiterate again how much I loved this episode particularly for this scene---this talk between Ironwood and Oscar.

I think I’ve said it a couple of times before, right? 

THIS is what I’ve been wanting for the longest while! This is what folks who often criticize Pineheads like myself who want Oscar to have more focus in the series don’t understand.

When I say I want RWBY to focus on Oscar, I’m not just asking for the Writers to give him more screen time or have him do cool things or just act cute for the entire episode. While any moment with Oscar is great, that’s not really what I’m looking for as a fan of his character. It’s fine if that’s what other Pineheads want but speaking for myself mostly here, I look for more than just the small “breadcrumb moments” for Oscar’s side of things, y’know what I mean?

When I say “CRWBY please give Oscar more proper focus”, I’m NOT asking them to kill off all the other characters in the series and quote, unquote, “Make Oscar the main character of RWBY”.

Honestly, I don’t know where some folks get the impression that “focus” is tantamount with being the main character of something. Not every character in a show has to be the main character just to have focus. As a matter of fact, I often find myself being impressed by shows that are able to provide good writing and development for its side or supporting characters just as much as the main ones. But then again, that’s just me. 

In the case of Oscar, this is what I mean when I say FOCUS ON HIM. Allow the audience to see and hear what he’s thinking when the story demands it. Allow him to challenge other characters on their perspectives with his own and let the audience see all of that rather than have it happen off-screen and Oscar has to then tell us about it in a later scene while no one really reacts to what he’s saying. *coughsV6CH9coughs* 

This is what I have personally been wanting to see. I want Oscar to talk to other characters and give his own opinion on things and let the plot focus on that because when it does, that’s when we get the gold, people!

Gold comes out of this boy’s mouth every time the story allows him to and no I’m not just saying that ironically because Oscar’s name is synonymous with the colour gold.

But you just know when the story focuses on Oscar in the right way---meaning let us see and hear how he feels---it’s good. Better than good. It’s freaking great and this is why I clapped for this scene with Ironwood. 

This scene was my favourite scene from the episode and probably my best moment with Oscar for V7 so far.

Oscar’s talk to Ironwood reminds me so much of his V5 Dojo Scene with Ruby. I actually think I like Oscar’s talk with Ironwood more since we get to hear more of what Oscar is thinking and see Ironwood react to it. This moment was GREAT, you guys. I cannot stress this enough. 

Oscar was really, really great in this episode and his stance with Ironwood made me feel so proud of him as a fan of his. Having Oscar spend more time with James---I was worried about where that was going to but I’m glad that this is the direction they went with him---showing Oscar being the opposite side to go toe to toe with Oz. He is like Ozpin in this manner but at the same time. he’s also his own person because Oscar is advicing James from a person who saw where Oz’s path eventually took him and how he’s doing his best to guard people he care about from walking down the same path.

Oscar was talking more as himself in this scene and....I LOVE IT.  I hope there is more.

I want more moments of Oscar talking to people. This is what I want to see above anything else. More than any Rosegardening Rosebud moments he’ll have with Ruby. More than him even unlocking his semblance. I want to hear Oscar’s thoughts on things that happened to and around him within recent times and I want to see him challenge other characters with his ideals and see how they react to what he’s saying.

I still want to see Oscar challenge Ruby on her stance with keeping the truth from Ironwood. I think Oscar has a greater incentive to do so now.

That line---that piece of advice that he gave James about “talking to the people you’re most afraid to”, I don’t think that advice was just for James. I wonder if we’ll have Oscar approaching Ruby again and the two resuming their talk from V7 CH3? I think it will happen soon, especially with how things are shaping up for James.

That Baobab man. It’s going to consume him. Not unless the little barn prince convinces the little red rose withholding secrets to help him remove the tin man’s baobab seeds before it’s too late. At least that’s what I’m thinking.

That being said, I’m curious to see where Oscar and James will be for the next episode. Will we go straight into the dinner? Overall, I am hyped for CH8. I don’t think I’ve been this excited for an episode to come for this season.

I just want to see how everything is going to play out. Especially for James and how Oscar is going to react to it. I’m sure Oscar will be watching James very closely for the next episode to see if he will take his advice. I doubt Ironwood will take Oscar’s advice. As a matter of fact, I think CH8 will be the first sign of Ironwood’s Baobab completely taking over and….it’s going to result with him having bad blood with not just Jacques Schnee or the Council (because I think we might see them too since Ironwood will be fighting for his seat on the Council) but everyone.

I think Ironwood will take the step towards losing his humanity next episode and I’m curious to see how Oscar will react to it. Maybe he might approach Ruby again on the subject matter and after James…dips…Oscar might look to Ruby who might finally come to the realization of what she had done. Because ironically, Ruby isn’t the only one walking Oz’s path for this season---James is too. The really, really bad one and maybe seeing James might help Ruby with her own qualms.

I dunno. Like I said, I am so excited for next episode!

 ~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)