#and the therapist has AuDHD and it was so nice to talk with someone who just *got* me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

masteroffearshusband49020 · 3 months ago

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My Jonathan Crane (updated)

Physical Description: Muted, thin red hair that's a little long in a short cut. Green eyes with a lazy left eye that looks up most of the time. Freckles. Small, rectangular glasses. Curvy, thin lips. Hooked nose. Hay rashes all over his body. Minimal body hair. Marfan's Syndrome, hollowed chest, freakishly long limbs. Scoliosis. Tall and thin. Broad shoulders. Whispery, breathy, hoarse, higher pitch voice. Gorgian accent. Tall, narrow teeth. Large gap between both front teeth. Long, sharp fingernails. Often shakes and stutters due to anxiety, has gotten so used to it, he doesn't even notice it's happening anymore unless someone points it out or he has a second to really be in the present moment. He's also pansexual and very neurodivergent, AuDHD among other things because that's what I have and I understand that one, but there's definitely also other stuff going on. His Scarecrow costume consists of: A creepy, skeletal Scarecrow mask that's crazily sewn with a mouth full of human teeth from his dead victims post mortem and stitches. A wig made of straw, his own hair, and the hair of his dead victims post mortem. A black, crazily sewn, medieval cloak with a rope around his waist and a hood. An almost spotless preacher's black hat. A noose around his neck. Ropes around his ankles and wrists. Soft-ish Scarecrow shoes. Long, sharp, fingernails, this time painted black. Eye contacts that resemble the cloudy eyes of the dead.

Backstory:

His mother accidentally got pregnant and died during childbirth. His early life was spent being raised by his abusive and very religious grandmother Keene. He was physically and psychologically bullied by the other kids. One time he got beat up so bad and couldn't get care, it caused him to suffer chronic pains and have trouble getting up among other things. The reason he got beat up so bad is because Cherry, in my take, is Charles, and he's Beau's best friend. Anyway, Beau finds out Jon has a crush on Charles and publicly humiliates and physically assaults Crane because homophobia during the 20th century. Crane got beat so bad, he stopped going to high-school altogether. Granny tried to get Crane to tell her why he was beat up so bad, because she does sort of care for him in a fucked up way, but Crane knows how Christian she is and how she feels about gays, so he lies and said he had a crush on Beau's girlfriend Cherry and that's why he got beat. Granny Keene died of old age in his teen years and he was taken in by his father who wants nothing to do with him. Jonathan completed his education, going back to another high-school and refusing to talk to anyone but the teachers out of fear. In university, he opens up a bit more, but still not fully. Once he moves out of his dad's place and gets a job as a therapist and a teacher of psychology at the local Gotham University, he's fully comfortable being himself again. He makes one final attempt to try and have a good relationship with his father by visiting him and attempting to mend things with him, but Crane senior is having none of it and bitches and whines instead, which starts a heated argument. Crane gets so mad, he accidentally shoves his father too hard and the old man dies from a crack to his skull. Horrified, Jonathan doesn't know what to do and tries to hide the body. The death taunts him for a month along with the voice of the Scarecrow before he finally gives in to it and throws on the Scarecrow gear to go experiment on people. Only adults though, no kids. He has a soft spot for kids.

Personality:

Very accepting and protective of all innocent groups of people who are discriminated against. Very anti bullying/harassment altogether. He doesn't see his experiments as wrong, he sees it as him making discoveries and helping humanity as a researcher. He's sickly sweet, you know something is off about him, but you don't know what. Either that, or you would never suspect him of being the Scarecrow because he's so nice. Coffee addict. He can be a bit sassy/harsh with his sharp tongue when he's annoyed. If you cross dress, or dress androgynously, he admires your courage considering what he went through. If you're a legal adult, he even finds it hot. He's awkward with physical affection, he's either worried he'll mess it up or doesn't know what to do. All his kills were accidental. He tries not to kill people with his fear toxin, but it happens sometimes. When it does happen, he steals their hair and teeth to add to his mask. Especially at the beginning of his Scarecrow era, he specifically learned CPR to avoid more toxin deaths. He usually fear gasses harassers, but if it's a kid bully, he'll scare them intensely without using fear toxin or hurting them. His rule of thumb is no using toxin on or hurting kids. Ever.

#jonathan crane #scarecrow #my jonathan crane #my scarecrow #dc scarecrow

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raspberryconverse · 6 months ago

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Coley's Beaus, FWBs and Ladies: A Cheat Sheet (updated 1/19/25)

It occurs to me that with all my beaus (and FWBs and ladies) mentioned in my post, it might be nice to have a cheat sheet. Also it might be helpful to know who I'm still dating and who I'm not, considering we're up to #6, but I'm not really dating anyone at the moment (I did just have a nice first date, so we'll see where that goes). There are also several FWBs, so keeping those straight is also going to be an issue. My poor therapist had to make her own cheat sheet (she literally has rolled her eyes when I've mentioned a new person with a one syllable name, because apparently my type is short men with beards and one syllable names).

Beau #1: Straight, 4½ years older than me, 5'6"ish, married with a girlfriend (used to be 2, but one broke up with him), used to do DoorDash, but now works at a car dealership. We met on Feeld and had been talking for awhile when my spouse had told me they wanted a divorce (we went back and forth for awhile, but 6 months later we actually are getting divorced). He was kind of my poly mentor, so when this happened and I didn't know who to talk to, I turned to him. We talked on the phone and when he was done dashing for the day, we met for tacos, made out a bit in his car and then went back to his place and had amazing sex. Hands down the best sex I've ever had. I joke that he's ruined me for other men.

My biggest complaints with him were smoking and scheduling. The smoking is really bad because he has asthma (as much fun as it is to say I've nearly killed him during sex, it's not fun to stop and grab the inhaler) and how the AuDHD affects us getting together. He can't seem to get a calendar going with his wife, so it greatly affected when we could see each other. Me being able to host should have helped, but he only came here once and it was the week after my spouse asked for a divorce (for real this time).

I finally broke up with him, after asking myself for at least 2 months why I was still seeing him.

Beau #2: AKA The KitchenAid Mixer Guy, because one of his Feeld profile pics is a nude with his KitchenAid mixer. One of the main reasons I swiped on him, TBH. Heteroflexible (as in he likes playing with couples), 3 years younger than me, 5'7", used to manage a theatre until he got fired for sticking up for one of the owner's tenants. He was seeing someone else besides me. He was really funny and reminded me of a friend who passed away 7 years ago. We saw each other weekly for almost 2 months before he fucked off to Michigan and didn't tell me he was actually leaving. He was between jobs and had been waiting for over a month on a background check for one and told me if he didn't get it, he'd go stay with his parents for a bit. Then I didn't hear from him for a few days, checked in and he sent me a pic of his mom's ugly rug on her front porch 🙄

He tried to tell me that our relationship wasn't serious enough for a heads up that he left. "The only person who needs to know where I am at all times is the person I'm living with" (which I argue there's a difference between wanting to know your whereabouts at all times and wanting to know you left the state for several weeks). He claimed we had only gone out 5 times and had been seeing each other for a month (it was 8 times and almost 2 months, but whatever). I miss him a lot, but clearly he needs to get his shit together and treat the people he's seeing with more respect. We had a really good thing going where I'd come over, he'd cook dinner, we'd watch a movie and then have sex (the sex wasn't the greatest, but what he lacked in skill he made up for in enthusiasm). I never wanted more than that, but he seemed to think otherwise.

Beau #3: The drummer. Another Feeld match. Divorced dad of 6 year old twins. Straight, same age as me (graduated a year after me because his birthday is later in the year), 5'6", works in a warehouse, never been poly, but was open to ENM (which I now know is yellow flag). We really clicked right away as oversharers. We both like to try new beers and would go to breweries often on dates. I have my theories as to why he broke up with me based on his "things were moving too fast and I don't think we're a good match" statement. I honestly thought we were a great match because of how comfortable we were talking about deep stuff and I really miss our naked cuddles. We only successfully had sex once because he was having some unexplained ED issues. Best of luck to him with that.

One of the things I'm really bummed about is I actually genuinely like his band. I mean, I'm sure part of it is he looks hot when he's playing (those forearms 🥵), but their music is good too. I really want to show up at a show, looking really hot and see what happens. My therapist will tell me that's a very bad idea. My friends already have (and they managed to keep me occupied when he had one literally 10 minutes from my house to avoid temptation).

Beau #4: Queer, 4 years older than me, 5'7", ex Army Ranger, works in marketing for a big tech company and has an anchor partner. Not a Feeld match (we met at Queer Poly Cocktails). I think being queer cancels out a lot of the problematic military stuff. He's very passionate about suicide prevention for veterans, cowrote a coffee table book of veteran stories, is working on another book about with a friend about how they helped get the abandoned troops out of Afghanistan and was apparently in a really bad zombie movie comprised completely of veterans. He actually has a few pics on WikiFeet, which is... interesting.

He can deadlift more than double my body weight, so that's pretty hot. But he doesn't look very muscly, which I really love.

He seemed pretty smitten with me, but he's also had a busier than normal late summer/early fall (he said it's the busiest time for him at work). I was been super frustrated by this because he does make time to see his anchor partner, but would go weeks without seeing me. We did finally have a talk about it and he said it's just been bad timing. He claimed he was definitely is into me, enjoys spending time with me and didn't think things were casual, but he also doesn't have the bandwidth right now to develop something more serious. Then he broke my heart. I am almost as heartbroken about this as I am about my divorce. He was the kind of man I should be pursuing, but it's clear that emotionally mature men who treat their partners well can recognize when someone is a hot fucking mess and will run the other way.

Possibly Beau #5: Pansexual, 6 years younger than me, 5'7", ex Navy, mobile urgent care nurse (though recently got disability benefits approved). He doesn't seem that young, which I think is probably due to being in the military (and again, being queer seems to cancel out problematic military stuff). We met on Feeld. We get along really well and sex was been really good. We actually talked for 3 weeks before meeting IRL.

I had a good feeling about him. I was wrong.

We went out once and it was absolutely lovely, but over the course of 4 weeks, he cancelled on me 3 times. The 3rd time was the final straw for me. He agreed that I had every right to be upset and want to break things off after that. I really wanted him to fight for me. He didn't. Things like this make me feel like I'm not worthy. Deep down, I know it's not true, but I'm just not at a point mentally where I can believe it. Hopefully I'll get there someday.

We actually started texting again. My therapist helped me realize that I reacted poorly (not that I shouldn't have been mad, but my reaction was out of line). I apologized and he offered to talk it out, but he's been really busy, apparently 🙄 I eventually told him I missed texting with him and he said the reason he wasn't responding was because he thought I wouldn't want to start texting again without talking. I told him that ideally, talking first would be good, but that I was open to texting anyway and waiting for him to have the time to talk. So far, it's kinda how it was before with less sexy talk (though it's becoming more and more and even not when I'm drunk or high). We finally talked about it and he would love to have something with me, but he can't offer what I deserve, time commitment-wise. So we'll just keep texting, I guess. His recent disability approval might result in the possibility of being able to see each other regularly, but he has to get his meds under control first.

Honestly, I can't stop thinking about how he first kissed me, how good the sex was and I often pull up the intentional shirtless selfie because he's really fucking hot. I have a problem and his name is Beau #5.

Beau #6: Straight, 4ish years younger than me, 5'10," software engineer. We originally met on a Discord for some of the board gamers in the local poly group (I'm not into board games, but they assured me their gatherings aren't as board game focused). He offered advice on buying a house, but realized I had already done it pretty recently, so I didn't need it. We ended up talking at poly cocktails and when I got home, he asked if he could text me instead of using Discord and I replied with my number. Then he asked me out.

We've only been on a few dates, but they've been amazing. I'm actually the first person he's gone out with since he met his wife. He didn't really feel like he was poly, even though his wife decided she was. He had started thinking about dating, but hadn't really put himself out there until he met me. He thought I was really cool and ended up asking me out. I cannot wait to see how this develops.

FWB #1: Straight, 2 years older than me, 6'1", works for some sort of non-profit (I think). We met on Feeld. I was high on our first date (unintentionally) and having a beer made it worse. But even with that, I realized I definitely didn't want to date him. He is excellent in foreplay (definitely a pleasure dom), but mediocre at sex. He's definitely too tall for me to want to date (when you're over 5'10", your face is too far away for kissing), but he's nice to have in my back pocket for when I want to get laid.

I also went on 2 dates with a bisexual guy who is only 5'9", an ad exec and is 3 years younger than me. The conversation flowed well and while I wasn't sure if we had chemistry, he kissed me while we were waiting for my bus and yup, there definitely was chemistry.

We had a very successful second date that resulted in an accidental hickey. It was totally one of these:

We also had a good talk about expectations. He's not poly and isn't really interested in it, but is perfectly comfortable with me being poly and hearing about my other relationships. Before we met, we were chatting the afternoon where I was finally meeting Possibly Beau #5 and he said, "Get it, girl!" and was happy to hear that I got it. Ultimately, he was looking for a long term monogamous relationship, but he was also content with seeing me in the meantime. He recently told me his ex asked to get back together and he said yes.

I'm honestly not sad about it because I didn't like him as much as my beaus. I mean, I did like him, but the connection wasn't as strong as it is with my beaus. I didn't even feeling any NRE with him really. But I enjoyed the companionship and sex.

The Tree: so I had the following in my Feeld profile

I was striking out with the really tall guys. Some were fake. A few seemed interested and then disconnected (the worst was when I sent one a sexy photo and he disconnected with me upon seeing it). I've been talking to one who is actually 50, but doesn't look it at all. I've been trying for months to get together with him, but he's got 4 kids in their teens and 20s and is just too busy. It's a shame because he's really hot.

Finally, I matched with The Tree. He's 6'4" and straight (possibly heteroflexible, as he's interested in being in an MMF) and 2 years younger than me. I met him and it turns out I actually really like him. Like honestly, if he were at least 6" shorter, he'd be 100% my type.

My curiosity is the logistics of having sex with someone over a foot taller than me. The tallest guy I ever dated was maybe 5'10" and then, as I said before, FWB #1 is 6'1". I also have very short legs (25" inseam), so that could make things even more complicated.

We've been doing the FWB thing for a bit now and I don't think I could have picked a better specimen, TBH. I mean, there was one who looked like Matthew Gray Gubler that I was very interested in, but he had a very sparse profile and well, he didn't like my sexy pic (unmatched after I sent it 😒). It's definitely a novelty, but we have fun. And he actually has asked me if I wanted to get together, so it's nice not to always be the one asking for a booty call.

Recently, I've had rough times with Beau #4 and my spouse and he's really been there for me in a way I would not expect from a fuck buddy. But I guess we're more than that. We are definitely friends and I can tell he really cares about me. I mean, anyone who'll let you cry all over them after sex clearly does. I'd honestly like to date him, despite him being freakishly tall, but he's been dealing with a messy breakup for awhile and he's just not ready for a relationship. But he's been amazing to me (and not just in bed) and I really think there could be something there once our lives become less of shitshows. If we're being honest, we probably are actually dating and he just hasn't figured it out yet.

FWB #2: Straight, 5'7", 3½ years older than me. We met on Hinge. He was actually the first person I talked to on there. There's definitely not a romantic connection there, but I do like him a lot. We have a lot of good conversations. He's actually available most nights, so he'll be the one I text first when I need to get laid. He is also excellent in bed, so even better.

Lady #1: My friend's partner. Originally met on Hinge, but met organically in person, 5'3", 5 years younger than me, bi. Her partner was actually the guy who Beau #4 was going to let have me, not knowing he wasn't my type. I walked into our local poly cocktails one night and went over to say hi to him and she was sitting across from him. "We're talking on Hinge!" she exclaimed. NGL, I was feeling a little awkward about it, especially since her partner was giving off some more than friendly vibes to me, but he was actually excited that we matched and had been talking. He even gave her my number so we could text and coordinate a date.

We went on a date (drinks) and had some good conversations about homebuying (her and her partner just put in an offer on a house) and dating (straight men are horrible). I wasn't sure how it actually went because when we were parting ways, she hugged me goodbye and ran away to her bus stop. And no, her bus was not coming because I was on the same side of the street, walking away from her stop and the bus would have passed me by. We were supposed to have a cute thrifting date, but she had to cancel because of a work thing 😕 She admitted later that she wasn't feeling romantic vibes, but definitely wants to be friends. She also said she's open to things changing in the future, so we'll see how that goes.

Lady #2: Pansexual, 5'4", 5 years older than me, met on Hinge. We had some fun banter back and forth for awhile and then she asked me out. We went out to a local lesbian bar and had some good conversation while we were there. She's a sex therapist, which could be interesting, and also very kinky. The date went well. We ended up making out at the bus stop. We went on 2 other dates that went very well, but never managed to get a 4th date planned, mostly because my life blew up. But she also has tried to be helpful while I've been dealing with the blow up and I really appreciate that. She recently got some bad health news and is focusing on her health, so that's that.

Moxi: 3 years older than me 5'2", bisexual. I've known her for about 9 years. I met her when I played roller derby. She used to play on one of the home teams until she had a TBI, but decided to come back and help coach the rec league (where I was playing). I always thought she was gorgeous and had an amazing body, but I honestly didn't think she liked me like that. Well, apparently she did, but didn't want to cross a line with me.

I quit playing roller derby after some beef with the league and nobody talked to me after that except Moxi. We kept in touch all these years. She did the sweets for my wedding and invited me to hers too. She was the first friend who I told about going poly and it turns out she is too.

We talked recently and admitted there was a mutual attraction there. I needed to get out of the house so my ex could have some people over and she was bench coaching another roller derby league. I also hadn't seen my dad for Christmas because I had covid, so I went to see him, then to the bout. We talked about possibly making out that night and well, it happened. And it was amazing. I'm really excited to see where this goes. She's a really good kisser 🥰

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