#and the summer troupe does bring me joy

[yamatonikado]

wait now that i read through that a3! songs playlist i need to make a tierlist for all my favorite a3! songs hold up 

[adeat]

16 - Crane

Word Count: 1,948

((I didn’t intend to do FFXIV Write this year. Then this prompt came along. Crane is the patron animal of one of my more recent characters, Kaito Yugureno, and I had to do something for him! I did this in a hurry, but it’s something.))

-

A long line-up and an equally large crowd gathered at the end of Pier #2 caught Kaito’s attention. Not every day people gathered there. A housing special perhaps? Or announcement by the hunting guild? The miqo’te hopped onto the roof of a worn, wooden building and peered down at the shoreline. At the front of the line stood a small, portable shrine - or at least Kaito gathered from the shape of the roof. The other hint came from the hyur dressed in long, ornate robes fitting of a shrine guardian. Kaito perked his ears down to hear the priest’s words.

“Welcome! Today is an auspicious day, for it is the anniversary of the kojin who once dwelt in this area,” said the shrine guardian. “He has done much to protect the shores here, and now it’s time for us to give back to him. It is said that he was once a dancer who sensed the patron animal spirit of one’s being. Would you like to see this for yourself? Pray to him and offer your tributes, then dance on the water’s surface. If you dance with conviction and purity, then perhaps your essence will be brought to light.”

After the shrine guardian’s speech, the crowd murmured to each other. Dance on water? As in walk on water? Was such a feat even possible? Kaito wondered the same thing.

“Only those with absolute conviction in themselves are able to do so. If you are willing to give this a try, you may walk over on the pier here. We have help on hand in case you fall in… and are unable to swim! Perhaps pray to the kojin for their blessings on this as well!” the shrine guardian laughed at his own joke.

Kaito’s tail twirled in interest, betraying his otherwise stoic expression. He glanced down at the shrine to see people praying indeed. How earnestly though? Even from his farther vantage point he saw raised eyebrows and a brief tenure that couldn’t have carried the thoughts of more than three words at most. The shrine guardian’s speech repeated itself to waves of people. Nothing more to see there. How about those continued splashes of water?

By the pier, people lined up individually - a line made short thanks to perhaps nervousness. Absolute conviction in oneself indeed. One by one, people stepped on the water, only to squeak or cry out as they fell down, accompanied by splashes of varying degrees and heights. Those who did succeed in walking on water, Kaito counted on one hand. And then took that golden opportunity to dance tried, tested and true staples such as the Manderville, its sibling the Manderville Mambo, and even the Yol Dance. Kaito squinted in hopes of seeing a guardian animal spirit or whatever show up - how did such a thing appear, anyway? But found nothing. Perhaps due to a lack of spiritual eyes. Or perhaps such conviction came from themselves that their sense of self was all that needed to be displayed. Their adoring fans certainly thought so, coming from the applause and loud cheers of their fans.

‘I admire their conviction,’ Kaito thought. ‘I certainly don’t have that kind of gall.’

Yet, despite everything Kaito witnessed, he felt an urge to pay tribute himself. He wasn’t sure why - perhaps his curiosity was once again getting the better of him. Most likely, if he tried, knowing him, he’d no sooner fall in the water the second his toe touched the sea’s surface.

Still, curiosity. He still wanted to give it a try. If nothing else, Kaito felt sorry for the kojin spirit. As dumb awestruck Kaito was at the worthy’s strong sense of self, he had to admit a point as well.

Were these people dancing for the kojin spirit, themselves, or their captive audience?

Still, pity.

‘At the very least, I could… try to do something for the kojin spirit. Anything is better than nothing.’

Kaito cut himself off in mid thought.

‘Wait—wait a minute! That’s like saying I can dance!’ Kaito’s eyes widened. ‘Kaiken’s the dancer, not me! Sure he dragged me off to practice all those years, and I keep up with it every day, but it’s for training benefits! I don’t really have that extra spark that he does. That’s fine by me though. Ballet is his thing.’ He sighed. ‘But still, doesn’t change the fact that I can dance… somewhat…’

Still, people.

People won out over his curiosity.

Kaito hopped off the roof to the back of the building. ‘Later! After everyone vacates. Hopefully the shrine will still be there.’

-

As a matter of fact, the shrine still perched on the pier by the time the moon rose into the sky. A large, full moon. An uncommon sight and perhaps coincidental. Or perhaps fate in celebration of the kojin’s big day. A beautiful gift that only nature could bring.

Now free to take his time without the added pressure of other people, Kaito stood in front of the shrine. The miqo’te sensed powerful, yet gentle waves of spiritual energy, and easily imagined the kojin spirit enjoying the view. Closing his eyes, Kaito clasped his hands in prayer.

“Kojin spirit, I’m certain you’ve had a long day today. I promise I won’t obstruct the view of the moon for too long,” Kaito said softly. “Although I’ve only heard of you today, as one guardian of Kugane to another, I wish to say thank you for all your hard work. You’ve dedicated your life to others, and now, I wish to give you a little tribute. This dance is one Kaiken—ah, sorry—my twin brother choreographed, and it’s intended to be a solo. Still, I hope you’ll dance with me in the moonlight. I hope to meet your expectations.”

After he opened his eyes, Kaito sighed. ‘As if my dancing is even worthy of a tribute.’ He sighed again. ‘What a speech. I ended up speaking more about myself than the guardian, didn’t I. I’m no better than all those other self-centered people. Well, if I fall in, at least the kojin spirit will have a good laugh.’

Kaito looked around. Once he felt secure that he was truly alone, he disrobed except for his undergarments - form-fitting, yet comfortable shorts he often wore during ballet practice. He quickly and neatly folded his clothes and placed them in a safe place. His calloused feet walked across the well-worn planks until he reached the edge of the pier. He heaved a deep breath and took the first step into the water.

And continued walking.

The water felt cold, like walking on a smooth surface, yet provided no slip. As he walked, he felt trails of energy brush against him and the presence of someone walking beside him, although he saw no one. Only the light of the moon and its reflection upon the sea’s still surface.

Once sufficiently far enough, Kaito turned around and faced the shrine—his sole captive audience. Imagining Kaiken walking through the stage curtains, arms spread to greet everyone, Kaito did the same, his hands slowly and gracefully moving in front of him to perform a bow.

He heaved one last breath. Even with an audience of one, Kaito still felt his heart race and waves of fear threatening to seize him. But he was here now and he felt absolute in exactly what he wanted to do. Instead, he smiled, imagining the kojin beside him and crouched down with his arms spread out and one leg crossed in front of the other���crouching stance as taught to him by his martial arts training. The starting point of the routine. Kaito imagined the music playing in his head as he leaned back, one arm raised, and tumbled out of position.

The dance had begun.

The solo choreography came from the ending of a larger performance as a whole. Various dancers of Kaiken’s troupe sorted into groups performed a recital meant to show the changing of the seasons, starting with spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. Then Kaiken’s solo last to show the coming of spring. The solo Kaiken choreographed on his own. The solo danced to much applause. And also the solo that Kaiken had taught Kaito for the sole purpose of practicing together.

To dance a solo was an honor and a privilege given to only the troupe’s best dancers. Although Kaito practiced this routine often, this was on his own. Not in front of an audience. Kaito just hoped he wouldn’t make a mockery of his brother or his routine. But this wasn’t about Kaito. This was about paying tribute to the Kojin spirit.

To represent flowers arising from winter’s end, Kaito remained on the ground, tumbling. Reaching. Like the stem growing from its roots. He felt the tips of his fingers cold as though someone held his hand.

To represent said flowers blossoming, Kaito gracefully rose to an upright position on one leg, his torso held sturdy to the side, one leg bent and his arms in fourth position.

Now standing upright, spring had begun. And so did the routine.

Effortless turns that seemingly never ended.

Leaps that defied gravity.

Flexibility that his muscular build didn’t look capable of performing.

All with controlled strength and grace, yet delicate sensibility of an old, gentle soul.

The more more he turned, the more he jumped, the more he moved, Kaito slowly allowed the rest of him to become taken away by the joy of dance alone. As he moved, he felt himself bathe in that same spiritual energy, now warm, as though someone danced beside him. Now completely in his own world, he danced, completely unaware of the wisps of spiritual energy trailing upwards from him.

Meanwhile, back on land, the shrine guardian yawned as he neared his charge. He intended to just take the portable shrine and go, another year wasted. When he saw shadows in the sea’s horizon, he looked up.

He froze.

His eyes locked onto Kaito in awe—half at the miqo’te’s beautiful, graceful movements.

The other half at the spirit that hovered over the miqo’te’s head.

A large, red-crowned crane.

The bird overhead emulated the miqo’te’s movements. Beside the fowl danced the spirit of the kojin, smiling.

“A crane spirit,” said the shrine guardian softly. “A sign of good fortune and long life. This is a truly auspicious year after all.”

Some night denizens or otherwise insomniacs came to the pier. Upon seeing the miqo’te dance, they stopped to watch. Gradually, more and more people came and soon, a large crown formed… both in awe of the dancing and the crane spirit that hovered overhead.

Finally, the solo routine came to a close, as Kaito came out of a spin and slowly crouched back down into sitting stance. Unlike his two arms spread out from before, he reached out with his left hand, as though reaching to someone. When he turned to the side, he saw the kojin spirit in a mirrored pose, smiling at him. The spirit’s cold hand clasped Kaito’s hand. Kaito couldn’t help but return the smile. His stamina fairly spent from the routine, Kaito breathed heavily as his heart slowly begin its descent into a more natural rhythm.

Loud applause and cheers filled the miqo’te’s ears.

Kaito’s eyes widened and his ears and tail shot straight up as his head darted to the pier. Not only did he see the kojin spirit float back to the shore, turn around and applaud, he saw a sizeable group of people cheering him on.

People. People watching him.

His concentration broke. Kaito dropped into the water.

[afk-libravee]

╔∆∆∆════════════════╗

Summer Troupe as Fathers

╚════════════════∆∆∆╝

Tenma Sumeragi

He would keep saying "Having a child would be fun" at random times after seeing other people with babies.

When the child is born he began boasting to the uncles about how cute his baby is.

He would bring the baby with him to his movie premiers and to a bonsai exhibit and began to talk about how amazing it is. Tenma calm down, at least wait till he's older He would then show off his child to his co-actors with the biggest and brightest smile.

He would be told by his parents to learn how to take care of the baby, so they train him on how to do the diapers, prepare the food and etc. Tenma saying "I can do at least that much!" and failing. goodthingit'sjusttrainingfornow

During the night, it's mostly his wife who wakes up for the baby, rarely him, even if he does, his wife still accompanies him.

Yuki Rurikawa

Yuki would be reluctant having a baby at the first place, however, once he saw a baby dressed in cute clothes, no one can stop him.

Once the baby is born and held them, realization hit that he is now a father, so he needs to up his game for the child.

As a nickname machine, the first thing he called his child is "Our Muse".

He would make their baby's own clothes saying "I know some are cute but I want our baby to wear what I make". He would also make matching clothes for their whole family.

Whenever he is up at night working, he would be the one to go to the baby, if not, his wife does it.

Kazunari Miyoshi

Kazunari is eager to be a father, that topic is brought up by him on his wedding and even earlier.

Every firsts of the baby is on instablam, his reasoning being "Pictures fades but at least this one will stay forever~!". He would still make a scrapbook out of the photos though, so he can still show it to his child when older.

Doesn't know what to do regarding the diaper tasks, but was taught by his parents on it, for his sister before, so he relearned fairly quick.

At night, him and his wife would wake up for the baby, and sometimes he'd post about it "The most cutest baby missed me and mama~!" with a selfie

Muku Sakisaka

Muku always imagined what it is like to have a family with his wife, even before they are married.

Scared to hold the baby at first, but with some reassure he held their child, a soft smile and a chuckle escaping when the baby wrapped their tiny hand around his finger.

Not wanting to make a mistake in taking care of their child, he began to read all kinds of books about parenting, even calling the experienced ones from his family and the company for tips.

Muku would always tell his wife about how he wants to grow up from being a prince and instead be a king his child will be proud of.

When the baby cries at dawn, Muku would always be the one to wake up first, his wife waking up a second later to see him craddling their child back to sleep.

Misumi Ikaruga

Misumi would at first be hesitant to have one, but, when he held the baby for the first time, he cried tears of joy "He's a small triangle~!".

It is usually his wife who'd take care of the child mostly while he helps out with the simple tasks.

His triangle hunting would become less frequent and he'd mostly bring home baby proof triangles, he did so after realizing that some of his triangles are too pointy or hard for the baby.

He also promised that once the baby is older he will give his precious triangle to the baby, and tell him great tales of his great-grandpa, and also to meet his brother.

He would be the one to wake up at dawn to comfort their baby, craddling him back to sleep.

Kumon Hyodo

Kumon is so excited to have a child, saying he wants the baby to also come to love his brother, so when the baby is born, he called his whole family, introducing his wife, himself, his brother and the rest immediately.

Kumon is clumsy but he knows he can't make a mistake in taking care of the baby, so with the help of his wife and mother, he began to learn how to do things, asking if his brother learned this too for him when he was a baby.

Kumon would usually venture too far ahead into the future as he would talk about how he would teach his child baseball and theater, he would also cry when he began to talk at how it'll be like once his child starts rebelling or introduced his girlfriend to them.

Kumon would wake up immediately at the baby's first cry and run to their room, waking his wife too, he would panic at the first times but his wife would calm him down and explain, and so he got used to it.

The spring, autumn and winter versions

[little-ideas]

Mankai Dumbasses

THIS IS ALL I’VE GOT FOR NOW BUT THESE MORONS ARE SO FUCKING FUNNY!!! 🤣 Their dynamic is glorious. Keep at it you fools ❤

These assholes are dense as fuck and almost don't get together. Almost

Taichi has definitely complained about the tension between these 2 multiple times

It's a miracle he hasn't just shouted it at them, but he's probably scared of what the 2 of them would do

Omi has a surprising mean/playful streak and there's no guarantee he'd intervene on Taichi's behalf

Sakyo won't step in unless things get bad

The handcuffs have happened more than once

It's never any more pleasant these later times. They may notice some weird feelings/reactions -they just think it's their disdain for one another Fucking morons

Sakoda has taught Banri some techniques for when he tries to engage in physical fights with Juza. Juza always wins anyway

Izumi and Sakyo question their rooming of the two all the time

However, they are pretty respectful of each others' stuff

This is mostly from a bad experience whereupon the 2 made a truce

The truce ONLY applies to their possessions

Banri draws dicks on Juza's scripts

It doesn't matter what they say, their families (sans Kumon) only see them as best friends. They've met the other's parents after a show, and now Banri's parents and sister give Juza their regards whenever Banri calls them

Juza and Kumon will end up bringing back extra sweets for Banri from their mother.

For all the shit Banri gave Juza about his motorcycle, he loves to ride on it

Juza is probably one of the safest/most cautious drivers in Mankai

The two have definitely had the cops called on them when riding together though

May have raced each other once or twice

Omi oversaw it might have even suggested the location so they don't get caught 

It was because of Sakoda's encouragement and he wanted them to be safe

Juza has strawberry flavored toothpaste and Banri won't shut up about it

The two got banned from the kitchen once when Juza wanted to make sweets and Banri decided to prove he was better. They ended up with ingredients everywhere. No one ever saw Omi angry before then. If the two don't have someone else around, they're required to cook in different kitchens.

Banri is a petty bastard who holds grudges

Juza is quick to forgive everyone BUT Banri

They have logs where they chronicle what the other's done to bother them this time

Izumi made them get rid of them when she found out

Banri still keeps one and eventually entries start including things like "He looks almost as good as I do when he smiles and "I keep challenging him to fights but am still losing" + something about Juza's muscles

Have had competitions where they try to out-romance the other, claiming they'd be the better partner

Only stopped because the entirety of Summer Troupe yelled at them to "get a room"

That anime where the students try to scientifically figure out what love is? That was them

They now have some results + feelings to think over

For all their bickering, when the other is truly down, they can tell and will leave the other alone or awkwardly try to do something nice

As their feelings develop, they'll start doing nice things for each other

Juza leaves Banri some sweets (he still refuses the kamebuns) or pick him up from school

Banri helps Juza study

Izumi makes them do tons of trust/partner exercises

They either nail or fail them. There is no in-between

Banri tried to get Juza to unsuspectingly eat wasabi kitkats, but failed because Juza could immediately tell what kind it was by the color

Muku, Sakyo, and Omi get involved with Juza's figuring out his feelings

Muku is flustered but holds it in since it's Juza

Omi is supportive and listens

Sakyo doesn't understand why Muku insisted he be present, but he is and listens

The one who flat out identifies Juza's feelings as romantic

Banri is more stubborn and it's not until his sister or Itaru say something that he confronts his feelings

Juza might wait around forever, but Banri doesn't, so as soon as he's come to terms with his feelings, he approaches Juza

Probably looks pissed off as hell and Juza prepares to fight him

Nope. Just Banri bitching about what Juza does to him and demanding he kiss him "I'll punch you on the lips with my lips!"

Once they're an item, the dorm grows to fear any argument containing the phases:

Oh yeah?

Prove it

Make me

Shut up

What are you going to do about it?

I hate your fucking face

Stop being so goddamn hot

Basically anything that involves the 2 yelling at each other

Because it always ends with them making out

Unless they start when Muku or Kumon are in the room -Juza has enough self-awareness around family

Kumon is so conflicted when Banri and Juza reveal they're a couple

Kumon's probably the only one who's shocked at the news

Azuma, Yuki, and Citron win the betting pool

OMI SITS THEM DOWN FOR THE TALK™ AND RESPECTING THE SURROUNDING DORM ROOMS Poor Taichi

Juza's so red. So is Banri but he kind of finds it funny

Banri is whipped for Juza

Will still tease Juza for his love of sweets, but definitely didn't spend hours watching videos and reading recipes to make and decorate a cake for him. Of course not

If Banri is somehow still receiving Valentine's chocolates, will give them all to Juza

Juza purposefully picks out some of the most gaudy attire for Banri and he always loves it wtf Banri

At this point Juza's taken it as a personal challenge to find something even Banri won't wear

Juza doesn't wear Banri's clothes, but Banri will steal his. The first time he did it, Yuki wept with joy thinking Banri had finally seen the fashion light. He wept again upon learning they were Juza's clothes and now tries to bribe Juza into arranging Banri's outfits

Tenma refuses to go to karaoke with only Banri and Juza. They literally will not stop unless kicked out because Banri thinks Juza's voice is hot as fuck

Karaoke is the only time he'll admit this

Tsuzuru is constantly conflicted on whether to write a romance with Banri & Juza as leads

Itaru sometimes calls Juza over to distract Banri when they're gaming. Has a 50/50 chance of backfiring as Banri wants to showoff in front of Juza

Unless Juza initiates any sort of skinship with Banri, then Banri short-circuits

Banri usually initiates any form of affection, so becomes super compliant and soft if Juza does it

Banri gets a little less self-centered as he gets older, but especially at the beginning would attempt to encourage Juza/refute his negative thoughts by saying things like, "Well I'm good at × and you’re just slightly better at it than me, so you're good at it too!"

Aka Banri really sucks at encouraging people

If Banri refuses or doesn't care about celebrating his birthday, Juza will get Mankai to help put together a joint party for Banri and him

They only tell Banri it's for Juza (of course they gave Banri gifts/did something small on Banri's birthday so he knows they care about him)

Banri doesn't cry what are you talking about?

They have joint celebrations every year since then

They both have secret stashes of shoujo manga & romance books for ideas on dates and how to be "proper" partners to each other

Kamekichi outs them

[icharchivist]

hello icha!! i finally got around to finishing the stranger haha,, by which i mean i just watched it today. was veryyyy excited for it as i really like the poster design for this one. anyways. this event starting w/ the sort of portrait format or whatever / that narration is like. god. threw me right back to autumn troupe. I kind of love that the storytelling format itself is so distinct for autumn! the moment I realized it was omi I started getting teary… like oh man oh man… omi…. And the connection with him taking photos! ahh!! now that I think about it… omi kind of seems a bit like early version tsumugi, huh? also I keep forgetting this man is a college student lol. suspension of disbelief I suppose. onto the play i think like. mankai should invest in a fainting courch for tsuzuru. i also went to watch the play and 1) im betting yuki had a hell of a time costume design wise like the vines on the body? such fun costuming wise and 2) the ethical implications of whatever this play has,,, fun fun. tsuzuru was clearly having some kind of thoughts. i love zeros design and am always up for a3 characters crossdressing bc 1) i think its fun and 2) the costume design. i also dearly wish this whole thing was animated bc I feel like it’d be o fun to see taichi act as zero. or at least I hope this event gets full voiced one day... moving on to the scene where omi adds soy sauce to the paella I know it’s just like haha homare funny so lets five him a lil bit but like everyone in autumn troupe making their comments on the paella and like homare just jumping in. homare autumn troupe besties. just thinking. also the way they just r like. no no no omi it’s fine if u made a mistake!! it’s ok! we like it (you) anyways <3 it’s got it’s own special taste. something something omi’s perfectly pleasant as he is now but even if he weren’t on his a-game and was dealing with all of the biker gang stuff they would love him just as hard. another thing that got me was omi telling banri that he’ll give him something sweet so juza will stop grinding his teeth in his sleep… guys… guys you’ll give him cavities…. mb omi is a college student after all lol.

anyways when i saw the actual costumes. appreciative of them, i like the lil circuit-esque detailing on banri’s outfit, and that sakyo and taichi (nine and zero) both share that like collar detail? its very symbolic and probably also literal but its a nice way to sort of signify their relation to each other visually! also sakyo just looks nice. seeing him without glasses is so great. whoever thought up the like two mole detail for him was doing gods work.

something that confused me was ryo mistaking juza for nachi for a split second? like. does juza… look similar to nachi? or was it just that ryo only heard juzas voice and made that mistake. if it’s appearance wise too. kumon nachi confirmed. I’m joking lol bc I feel like I would’ve heard at least something abt it in one of the like small conversation comments, plus that doesnt seem like itd fit summer troupes style and kumon is for sure the wrong age… but still.

i really like how for this event, the roles for taichi and omi were kinda reversed. and taichis just so like. idk. smiley. rly lifts ur spirits. its kind of nice how this event contrasts to that cg where taichi is crying on omi. I also think like. idk. considering the story of the stranger. wolf gives zero a sense of purpose and life and I think that zero helps wolf lose his apathy. it’s about “the stranger” and the ending makes him like… not a stranger, right? because he’s got a companion. in the same way, taichi brings omi out of his emotional isolation. the picture taking! also the stickers coming back… thats such a good setup! the found family of it all!!

when he was trying to work out zeros character as soon as taichi mentioned a sharp speaking style I KNEW it was Yuki… yuki would never be as honest as zero is though lol… to me i imagine she’s got a sort of juza internal monologue feel? anyways. the taichi yuki dynamic intrigues me. havent yet decided how I feel abt it but when I do… yes. sorry that I make literally no sense. I think it’s very obvious that yuki is my fav chara kind of? I’m just. hmmm it makes me think! I’ve been monologuing to myself abt the yuki and juza dynamic lately which, to my a3 knowledge so far, doesn’t exist, but its ok bc I’ll make it exist! uhhh anyways this event was very good i liked the pacing. i think it didnt drag too hard and it really properly honed in on just omi and taichi, which was quite nice. they really did a lot for just an event!

time to listen to the event song,,, ok so. ah. i rly enjoyed just for myself it was very much to my taste so. out of curiousity i was like ok lemme look up the composer / producer AND IT WAS YUYOYUPPE....... that guy is like!!!! one of my FAV producers ever!!!!!! i know him from like. his vocaloid days and god leia is still one of my fav songs to this day...! this knowledge gives me so much joy omg!!! like wow!! wowwww!!! like i knew yuyoyuppe was out there doing other stuff (i know he worked on a lot of babymetal music which is cool) but like idk. to suddenly encounter it like this. heheh.... its so nice! made me soooo happy. going to relisten to leia now haha

WAIT ONE MORE THING. i was like "haha let me look at other songs i remember liking a lot" which. for me was rakuen oasis and don't cry. anyways. rakuen oasis is ALSO by yuyoyuppe???? oh my god!!! oh my god... sigh. feel like im in heaven.

OH HI FRIEND!! so good to see you with an a3 update!! :D

godd yeah The Stranger started so strongly and the idea to still incorporate portraits in his story was really something to make us cry!

And linking Omi and Tsumugi like this is pretty interesting :O <hat is your reasoning exactly? :O

For the fainting couch for Tsuzuru LMAO and i'm letting you know there's a webcomics that addresses it in Act 2 (hough there's no spoilers aside from the fact Chikage is here)

Im glad you liked the costume and the play!!! yeah i love the designs and it is always a blast to see them this into it, and yeaaah Tsuzuru has thoughts huh. It'll get voiced sooner than later hopefully and there we'll see more in details :3c but also that's what made the seiyuu live so fun bc they perform the songs in play cosplay and replay a bit of the play everytime and it's *chief kiss*

HOMARE AUTUMN TROUPE SOLIDARITY YES. LOVING IT.

And yeah the scene itself was so cute TwT they all want to reassure Omi and be there for him it's so sweet :( but yeah i love how you say it all, Omiimi TwT

and dLKFJDFLKJFDFD Giving Juza cavities is the price to pay for sleep i guess??

yeah agreed on the costume they all look so cool! and nice catch on how those three seem linked like that with their costumes, Yuki (and the designers) does such a good job! and god yeah for Sakyo.. yeah. He has sucha good design dLKJFDF

aND DLKFJD yeah no Juza is supposed to look like Nachi physically, but mostly his face? like i think Nachi was had green hair? we see a sprite of him in a future story, and yeah, everything is in the eyebrows. so Kumon should be safe? Omi mentions he sees a lot of Nachi in Juza, and while it is mostly due to their passions i think, the fact they're also rough looking guy with a heart of gold must play a part as well. but yeah, he does look like Nachi a bit.

and i love your deeper analysis of the event yeah!!

I feel like Taichi is really an emotional core of the troupe in the sense that is, he tends to catch on what others are feelings easily. And he uses it in the early chapters to ease off the tensions and stuff, but he was being held back by knowing he was deceiving them. So now that he's more free, he can be more of himself. but yeah i also love the contrast with how Omi was the one to help Taichi through his breakdown and guilt, and now it's the other way around, it's Taichi helping him through it. and the parallelism between the play and their dynamic is spot on imo! well said!!

and god yeah the sticker things made me cry sO HARD, and the pictures! and everything!! sobs it's such a sweet found family i'm going to cry :(

And! i love what you say about Yuki, Taichi and Juza on this one. I love that Taichi keeps bringing it back to "that childhood friend" and it's always like. so obvious who it is for us rip. But it can make you wonder if Yuki was more honest as a kiddo when Taichi knew him, though now he's clearly not. I love the mention of how Zero is more like Juza's internal speech (which, if anything is another argument about why you should let Juza wear a dress, cOWARD)

but also your mention of the Yuki and Juza thing, while i can't think of them having a dynamic per se yet, but i actually wrote a post during my reread about how i was baffled at the fact they treated Muku the same way?? like both of them tried to push Muku away because they were scared of how people would react if they say pure, sweet Muku was associated to them. And i find it fascinating because i guess those two are pretty aware of how the world see them, and it used to stop them from fully allowing them to be themselves.

I also find it relevant with the fact Yuki says in his personal song that while all of this way people judge him weight on him, he rather be himself, and "I want to love myself". Meanwhile we have Juza who's also aware of the way people judge him and it weight on him, and he wants to change himself from this person he hates, this self loathing - and in a way, he can grow in a way to be "someone" he may not hate, even on stage. I feel like those two have quite a bit in common in this way of being rejected by their peers in some sort of way.

I really want them to share some stuff at some point because there's really a groundwork on it all :(

But i'm really glad you liked that event!! agreed on the pacing and i do love what it brings to the characters! it really fleshes them out and have them move forward a little and it's pretty sweet.

AND OMG THAT'S SO COOL FOR THE SONG!! i'm so glad you liked it, but that's incredible it turned out to be from one of your fav producer!!! ahah sometimes life is like that where you end up finding the stuff you loved back into new stuff! and the fact Rakuen Oasis was from him as well... that's so cool!!! just, so so cool!

im pretty sure he has more songs going forward so i hope you'll enjoy the ride even more!!

thank you once again for sharing your thoughts about a3 :3c it always makes me so happy to see them!!!

Thank youu <3 have a good day :3c

[jumukus]

A3! Translation: Muku Sakisaka’s SSR [Mankai Birthday] - Prince Charming of August

translation under the cut.

Izumi: (Hmm mayonnaise, olive oil, veggies, white chocolate that Omi-kun asked for…)

(Okay, I got all of them! I should've checked what we have in the fridge sooner.)

(I have to hurry home and continue preparing for Muku-kun's birthday party tonight.)

Muku: Oh? Director-san?

Izumi: Oh, Muku-kun… What a coincidence. Wasn't today supposed to be school day?

Muku: Yep. I got too engrossed talking with my friend it's gotten late already.

Izumi: You're not with Yuki-kun today?

Muku: He said he had something to do so he went home first.

Izumi: Oh, okay. That's rare.

(I wonder if Yuki-kun is preparing something for Muku-kun's birthday party.)

Muku: Umm, Director-san, lemme carry your stuff!

Izumi: Huh?

Muku: It looks heavy. You must have bought a lot of things today.

Izumi: (Well, that's because this is all the stuff we need to celebrate your birthday.)

I appreciate your feelings, but this isn't as heavy as it looks.

Muku: Still, let me do it! Carrying a luggage is a man's duty. It has nothing to do with its weight.

Izumi: But you already carry a lot of stuff, Muku-kun. The paper bags in your hands seem much heavier than mine.

Muku: These are… the birthday presents I got from my schoolmates.

Izumi: Wow, aren't that nice!

Muku: Ehehe. They all are really kind and nice to a water flea like me.

Izumi: (Come to think of it, Muku-kun brought home a lot of chocolates on Valentine's Day.)

You sure are popular, Muku-kun…

Muku: W-What!? No, I'm not!

I'm far from being popular. Rather, I'd ended up getting taken in by crooked scouters' honeyed words when they told me I'd be popular.

I'm nothing but a seaweed that's buried behind the darkness of showbiz industry!

Izumi: For some reason your imagination is running wilder than usual today.

Muku: I'm, I'm sorry! I was just surprised when you said I'm popular.

Izumi: No need to be shy. You are loved by everyone, Muku-kun.

Muku: ...If that's so, it makes me so happy.

Izumi: By the way, what kind of presents did you get?

Muku: Umm…

--No. I know you're good at changing the subject, but I still won't let it slide!

Please let me carry your stuff!

Izumi: I've never intended to do that, though. But okay, I'll let you carry this veggies bag.

Muku: I'll make sure to carry this home!

Izumi: In that case, shall I bring your bags, Muku-kun?

Muku: You don't have to! Mine is not heavy at all.

Izumi: Oh, really?

Muku: Yep. It's just a mechanical pencil, clear folder, and a cute assortment of candies.

Izumi: Those are such pleasant presents. You can either use or eat them.

Muku: That's right.

But I also think it's such a waste to use or eat them.

Izumi: (Muku-kun is the type to treasure his presents. I wonder what kind of thing I should give to him.)

***

Izumi: We're back.

Whoa!?

Muku: W-what's that!? A handgun!? A pistol!? I've gotta protect Director-san!

No one is allowed to stand behind me or Director-san!

If you do, I'll open fire and this place will go boom! You all will be arrested!

Izumi: H-Hold on, Muku-kun--!?

Kazunari: Mukkun, you watch too much dramas!

Misumi: Triangle, triangle, bang bang bang!

Muku: Huh… g-guys?

Yuki: This is why I told you to quit it with the poppers and other classic stuff.

Tenma: Nobody assumed he'd be this surprised.

Izumi: So the voice just now was really party poppers.

Muku: S-Sorry! I mistook it for gunfire voice…

Yuki: People usually won't mistake it for such a thing.

Kazunari: Now, now. In any case, happy birthday, Mukkun!

Muku: Don't tell me this is the reason you popped the party poppers?

Kazunari: Of course! Before we celebrate your birthday with the others tonight, I figured Summer Troupe should surprise you first!

Misumi: Here's your present, Muku, a big triangular chocolate~!

Tenma: This is from me.

Muku: A mini bonsai?

Tenma: I didn't know today was your birthday. This is a makeshift goods.

Yuki: After getting all troubled over what to give for God knows how long, in the end you chose to go with bonsai…

Tenma: What did you say!?

Yuki: I've got a book cover for you; the size is just perfect for a shoujo manga. By the way, I've also embroidered your name on it.

Kazunari: Now it's time for the heavily favorite! My present is titled, "Mukkun's Fairytales Picture Book"! Yeaay☆

Izumi: Whoa, the cover is Muku-kun's portrait. Not to mention the art is done is shoujo manga-style and is high in quality!

Muku: ----.

Kazunari: Huh? Mukkun?

Yuki: He freezes.

Izumi: Good for you, Muku-kun. You got presents from everyone.

Muku: …*sobs*.

Kazunari: Whoa!?

Izumi: You're crying!?

Yuki: It's because of the bonsai…

Tenma: It's not my fault!

Misumi: Muku, do you want to use this triangular handkerchief? Are you crying because you're sad?

Muku: N-No… I'm crying because I'm so happy… I'm surprised.

Izumi: Oh my, so you're actually crying of joy. I'm glad.

Kazunari: Alright, let's do it again, then--.

Summer Troupe: Happy birthday!

Izumi: Happy birthday, Muku-kun!

Muku: Thank you so much, guys!

***

Izumi: (Hm? Muku-kun? What is he doing on the balcony?)

Muku: Oh, Director-san.

Izumi: The party was fun. You're not gonna go back to your room?

Muku: Yeah. I got too engrossed in this book once I started reading it.

Izumi: That's Kazunari-kun's present, isn't it? He said it's a picture book, but there's also a story in it?

Muku: Yes! It's amazing!

In this book that has me on the cover, I'm the prince!

Izumi: A prince?

Muku: Yep! I ride a white pegasus as I fly around the starry sky alongside my black cat partner--.

At the end of this adventure-filled story, I find a beautiful princess.

Izumi: Heh. It sure is interesting to read a royal story from the prince's point of view.

Muku: It looks like Kazu-kun worked hard both on the illustrations and binding the book all by himself.

And all of the Summer Troupe members apparently created the story while keeping my preferences in mind.

Izumi: Now that you mention it, flying around the starry sky with a pegasus and a black cat does sound like something that you like, Muku-kun.

Muku: Yes. I really like it…

Izumi: (A prince who rode a pegasus, huh…)

(--That's it!)

Say, Muku-kun, are you free this weekend?

Muku: I don't have any plans, but why..?

Izumi: Thank goodness! There's a place I wanna go with you!

Muku: …?

Muku: Wow…!

It has always been my dream to go to a ranch! Look at that, Director-san!

Izumi: They have a petting corner too here. Wanna go check them out?

Muku: Yes!

***

Muku: Whoa, whoa, whoa! They're approaching me all at once!

Izumi: (The animals are really gathering at Muku-kun's side.)

Muku: So cute. I haven't bought my food though, so wait a lil bit 'kay?

Izumi: I'll go buy it.

Muku: Is that really okay with you? I feel kind of bad to enjoy all this fluffiness first.

Izumi: But you can't go, right? See, the rabbit standing near your feet is looking at you as if it doesn't want you to go.

Muku: Now that you said it, it does look that way. S-So cute…

Izumi: I'm sure the animals know that you're a kind person, Muku-kun.

Muku: I'll be happy if that's true.

Hello, my name is Muku Sakisaka. Nice to meet you all.

***

Muku: Whoa… They are really cute.

Izumi: Even the caretaker was surprised too, huh. They said the animals usually are not that relaxed around people.

(Hmm. It should be around here…)

Muku: Director-san? What's wrong?

Izumi: Hmm, hang on--ah.

Muku: Ah?

--A, a white horse!?

Izumi: Pegasus is downright impossible, but a white horse isn't, right?

Muku: Don't tell me, this is why we're here?

Izumi: Yep. This is my present for you.

Muku: Director-san…! Thank you!

Izumi: (Looks like my surprise was a success! I'm glad!)

Muku: Whoa, I can see more things when I'm on top the horse.

Izumi: (The keeper said one usually need a good compatibility with the horse to be able to ride them without any problems, but Muku-kun has done it perfectly.)

Muku: Ahaha. You're a good kid, Vincent. Thanks for letting me ride you.

Izumi: (Looking at him like this, he looks quite great with the white horse.)

You're cool, Muku-kun!

Muku: C-Cool!? No, I'm not--ah, but Vincent is indeed really cool!

Izumi: (It looks so fun. ...Hm? He's coming here.)

Muku: Director-san… No.

I've come to pick you up, princess. Please give me your hand.

...Just kidding.

Izumi: Ahaha. In that case, will you let me ride with you… your highness?

Muku: --!

...Please hold onto my hand tight.

--heave-ho.

Izumi: Thanks.

Muku: …

...I wonder if I can be a fine prince in the future.

OPTION 1: I'm sure you can.

Izumi: You can. I'm sure.

Muku: I feel like I'll really be one if you say so, Director-san.

I know it's merely a flattery, of course! But I feel like I can make my dream come true…

OPTION 2: But you're already a prince now, aren't you?

Izumi: But you're already a prince now, aren't you?

Muku: T-Thank you…! You… You are such a beautiful princess too, Director-san.

Ah! I, I didn't mean anything weird with that!

Because you always do your best in both your job and the theater troupe, to me, you've always been a strong, sparkling princess!

Izumi: I'm fully aware that I'm far from the word princess, but… Thank you!

Muku: No, I should be the one thanking you!

Muku: Thank you for letting me have such a beautiful and fun birthday.

Izumi: Yep. Happy birthday, Muku-kun!

Muku: Thank you, Director-san. I'll continue to be in your care!

[chrysalispen]

Prompt #29 - Paternal

set the night before last year’s fill #27, “palaver.”

AO3 Link HERE

=========================

Eighty-nine. Ninety.

The bristles dragged through her hair in a soothing rhythm, marking a routine she'd once kept daily and all but forgotten.

She'd been lulled into a half-dozing state by the sound of the wind as it whistled around the eaves of the manor - it was very cold but there was no snow or ice for once - and every northerly burst made her feel as though she'd stepped back in time a good ten years.

A knot from one of the logs popped in the hearth-fire. She started and exhaled, then raised the brush again.

Ninety-one. Ninety-two.

There were differences, of course. No rattle from a nearby ceruleum space heater, and no worry that her aunt might come knocking for one of her talks. But she was no longer that girl of eighteen summers and this was not the borrowed guest-chamber her aunt and uncle had assigned her in the family compound in Garlemald. This was Ishgard and over a decade had passed since she had been that girl. If anyone in her family spoke her name now it was to curse it for the shame her actions had undoubtedly brought upon them.

But she had no regrets. Things had happened that no reasonable person could have foreseen, and she had done the best she could under the circumstances.

Ninety-three.

When one thought of it in that light, Aurelia supposed she hadn't done so poorly. Granted, hers was something of an extraordinary case, but even Warriors of Light weren't invincible and before all of this had started, she had just been a normal woman no different from any other on the star. If she had known what she-

A rap on the heavy door.

"Mistress Aurelia? Are you awake?"

She set her brush down. "I am," she said. "What do you need, Saulette?"

"The Co-- er, Lord Edmont's asked for you."

"Give me one moment." Aurelia reached for her soft house coat and stepped into her slippers, then made her way to the door. It opened with a creak and the girl on the other side looked distressed to see that she was still fumbling with the belt at her waist.

"Oh, miss, you should have said-"

"It's fine," she said, smiling. "I hardly need assistance to put on a robe, and Lord Edmont will likely have been winding down himself. Where is he?"

"The parlor, miss."

She padded down the hallway and up the stairs at Saulette's heels. The young maid opened the door and bowed, stepping aside to allow Aurelia entry. Edmont de Fortemps sat in his customary chair, warming himself at the hearth and dressed in bedclothes of his own, careworn features drawn and pensive, silver-streaked dark hair perhaps a touch less neat than he might have allowed during daytime hours. It was a rare look at a man who was as controlled and dignified as her own father had been.

"Mistress Aurelia, my lord."

"Thank you, Saulette. Pray excuse us. I would like to speak with her alone."

The girl bowed. "Of course, my lord."

The door clicked softly shut at her back. Lord Edmont was smiling at her in a way her own father had never done, and gesturing at the chair nearest him.

"Well, come in, my dear," he said. "It's too cold to stand in the stairwell, you'll catch a cold from that draft." She smiled in return, drawing closer to the fire and curling up in the plush upholstered chair. "Are you nervous?"

"About tomorrow? A bit, but in that public speaking sort of way, you know."

"I do know, as it happens! Between you and me: that is the one bit about being the official head of the House that I have not missed." He reached for a porcelain teapot sitting on a tray at the nearby end table. "All the heres and wherefores and endless worry about my public image and how it might or might not reflect poorly upon the family as a whole."

"Indeed."

"I wish Artoirel joy of it. He's been chomping at the bit but I suspect reality will set in soon enough."

"I think he'll do well," Aurelia said, watching him pour the cup.

"He will. I love the boy, you know. Very much his mother's child. A bit stuffy at times, but he's a good man with a good head on his shoulders, and he's not mired in Church politics the way some of his peers are. He'll do the Fortemps name justice, I think." Edmont's dark eyes shone with cheer as he lifted the filled teacup and offered it to her. "...You had a great deal of influence there, you know."

"You give me far too much credit that I cannot claim, Lord Edmont. Artoirel is his own man."

"So he is. But you've always led by example, and you taught him some valuable lessons I think he might not otherwise have learned. Cream and sugar?"

"Just a bit of cream. And one lump." She paused, cup halfway to her lips. "...You really don't miss it at all?"

"There are some habits I miss. But it's rather like losing a tooth, you know. Strange at first but then everything falls into place over time and you barely notice that part of the routine was ever missing at all. No," he said, watching her sip, "I think it will be no great effort to make the adjustment. Being a private citizen does have its perks. And I'm still the family patriarch. That hasn't changed."

"No," Aurelia smiled over the rim of the cup. "No, it hasn't."

"Which brings me to the reason why I had Saulette bring you to me."

"What? Oh dear. That sounds rather serious," she said, trying to keep her tone lighthearted as she set the cup aside. "Tataru didn't ring you in the middle of the night for some emergency or other, did she?"

"Fury forbid!" he guffawed. "No, nothing like that. I have something I want to show you, but first I must beg your forgiveness."

"What? Why?" Aurelia was honestly curious. He set his cup aside and reached for a small, varnished spruce box sitting upon his ottoman, grunting softly with the effort. "Why would you need to apologize to me for anything?"

Edmont paused, one hand caressing the grain of the wood. That pensive expression had returned to his face, the one she had caught just before Saulette had announced her presence.

"I've little idea what to do for something like this. I only ever had sons, you see," he said. "I have loved all three of them. Now I don't delude myself into thinking I have been a perfect father, or even a particularly good one, but I like to think I have done well enough by them. ...Two of them, at least. At any rate, I'm told that in Garlemald, the tradition is for the bride to take with her into the ceremony something old, something new-"

"-something borrowed, and something blue," Aurelia finished. "Yes, it's an old wedding custom the Empire never saw fit to dismantle. Just a sort of mnemonic, for good luck. But I would hardly say it's a requirement."

"Be that as it may," he said, his fingers working the catch on the box open, "I would very much like you to wear these tomorrow."

Within the box lay a delicate lace-trimmed handkerchief of sky-blue linen, faded and discolored in places with age, folded into a neat triangle and lying atop what appeared to be a bundle of old letters. Edmont unfolded the corners with as much care as if the cloth was some priceless artifact, and within lay a small, simple pendant, an aquamarine cut into the shape of a teardrop. Firelight reflected upon the individual facets until the jewel sparkled.

"It's stunning and I'm honored that you would trust me with it. Did these pieces belong to the late countess?"

His smile trembled. "No," Edmont said. "They belonged to Haurchefant's mother."

"Oh..."

"My wife would have destroyed all of it, so I concealed this box within my personal effects. I intended to give all of this to him when he married, but-"

Aurelia bowed her head, staring into her cup.

"It bears repeating," his tone was gentle, "that I do not blame you for his death. I have never blamed you."

"But-"

"I grieve him, as does any parent who has had to bury their child, but I have never blamed you. I would give anything to have him back. Yet I cannot deny my pride in having raised a son who would be selfless enough to-" He swallowed, the bob in his throat swift and almost violent in its movement. "...Well, we'll never get through this if I start crying. Take it."

He passed her the box. She stared down at the pendant.

"Lord Edmont, I-"

"No titles necessary, my dear. I think at this point we've moved well beyond formality." He cleared his throat and glanced into the fire. "Well, I'm certain your own parents would be very proud of you."

Oh hells. Her throat felt hot and tight and her vision blurred.

"I very much doubt that," she said, her voice even but only just. "Oh, I doubt that."

"Why so?"

Aurelia's fingers clutched the edges of the box until they dug into her palms.

"...I shouldn't burden you with this-"

"By all means, my dear. Go on."

"It's... my background is much like Haurchefant's, in truth." She sighed. "My mother was a musician and an actress. She had top billing in one of His Radiance's personal favorite troupes, in fact. She enjoyed a good deal of renown when she still toured the imperial playhouses. But fame or no, she came from common stock and my uncle wouldn't have the match. Father broke a betrothal and defied his family to marry her. He even left the capitol at their request."

Edmont had leaned against the armrest of his chair to listen, his expression patient and focused. She glanced into the mirror over the mantelpiece and saw her face, as ever, staring back. Her father's broad nose and high cheekbones and golden hair, her mother's eyes. No matter where she went, she could look in a mirror and always see her mother's eyes. Usually, it was a comfort, in its own way. Tonight-

She chewed on her lower lip.

"They didn't know about her weak heart until I came along. It took so much out of her, and she never recovered from my birth. To say that my father was unable to deal with the loss would be putting things kindly."

"I can well imagine."

"There were so many times over the years I would see him looking at me and the expression he had on his face when he looked away, it- ...I used to think that he hated me. Knowing what I know now, I can see his side of things better than I ever wanted to. He lost himself in his own despair and had no time for anything else. But I think that if he had been given a choice, he would have taken my mother without a shadow of a doubt. I'm certain I'm not the only child to have ever been in this situation, neither the first nor the last. But his greatest sin, his greatest failure as a father, was letting me know it."

Something hot trickled down her cheek but she forced herself to keep talking.

"He wasn't a father to me. How could he possibly have been a good father? The moment she left us he gave up on everything."

Edmont said nothing, and she could see nothing of his face through her tears. But she heard the sound of the chair scraping as he stood, and the tap of his cane upon the floor. A warm hand descended upon her shoulder and squeezed. Gently he plucked the box from her hands, set it on the table, and pulled her to her feet.

"Any parent should be proud to have raised a child like you," he said, "and I doubt your mother would have held any of your choices against you. You are an exceptional woman - not just by your deeds, but by your heart - and even if she had known beforehand what would happen to her I suspect that much like Haurchefant, she would not have changed a thing about her decision. Sometimes our sorrows are so great in scale and so close together we think the world will never be anything else. But there is joy, great joy, in living." He tucked a stray sheaf of her hair behind her ear. "And there is joy in the hope you bring to others and in your presence in their lives. Let that be her enduring gift to you- as you are to us."

Smiling, albeit with a great sadness in his eyes, he opened his free arm and let her come to him.

"Had I ever been fortunate enough to raise a daughter," he said, "I like to think she would have been a great deal like you. If you can ever bring yourself to say it, it would greatly honor this old man to be your father in truth as well as bureaucracy."

Wrapped in his embrace, she smelled cloves, coffee, aged paper, and the earthy sweetness of pipe tobacco. She inhaled on a choked sob and nodded, unable to speak. Tomorrow would be for joy and joy alone. Tonight, she wept for the father she had lost years before he had left her, and for the gift of another.

And before the warmth of the great hearth, basking in the warmth of the parental love she had always wished to know for herself, she let the last ancient tatters of her grief burn away to cinders.

[huahsu]

YEAR OF THE BUTTERFLY

previous years: A SONG THAT DEGRADES EACH TIME YOU PLAY IT :: 2018 A CHURCH AND JOHN LENNON’S “IMAGINE” :: 2017 SIKH DEVOTIONAL MUSIC :: 2016 SPOOKY BLACK :: 2015 this year: I’ve spent the past few months working on a book that I’ve always wanted to write but never figured I’d make the time for. At a really basic level, it’s about listening to music with friends. A couple weeks ago, I devoted a few days to reading a stack of books and articles about the emotional experience of music. They were written by philosophers, critics, cognitive scientists, historians. I took from them two overarching questions. First, what does it mean to assign a piece of music a feeling, like “happy” or “sad?” Is the song itself “sad,” or does it just model a kind of sadness proximate to how we feel? What elements of a song do this? The fraying of a voice? Minor keys? Tempo? Is it all a trick of memory? None of the answers really satisfied me, since music is such an intimate thing. A song makes us feel a way for reasons that are often either blindingly obvious or remote and mysterious. An expert can tell you that humans are wired to feel joy when a certain configuration of notes are struck in tandem, but maybe it just reminds you of looking at the front door.

The other question was whether music itself facilitates any unique emotional possibilities--a mode of feeling that we can’t get anywhere else. Music doesn’t mimic the real world, it doesn’t make arguments. One writer suggested that the thrill of music was its capacity to remind you, foremost, that music can thrill you. In essence, each time we hear something new and feel something, we are being reminded of all the times we’ve felt this way before. We’re living in the echo of a former enchantment. Maybe you’ll hear it again, process it, assign it a genre or context, and the mystique evaporates. But music is one of those things that doesn’t happen on our time. We don’t stand in front of it and train our gaze on this quadrant or that. We don’t flip back to make sure we didn’t miss something. You can’t slow it down as it is happening, you merely let it happen. 

In the spring, the Museum of Chinese in America in Manhattan showed “The Moon Represents My Heart,” an exhibition I worked on with MOCA’s curators, Herb and Andrew. The basic idea was to look at all the ways music had enriched immigrant life, from early opera troupes touring America’s Chinatowns to karaoke bars, church choirs, and after-school violin lessons, fifties doo-wop trios to garage punks and self-taught dance music producers. There’s no legible tradition of Chinese American music so we just wanted to present it as a textured and everyday thing--the experience of the fan could be as legitimate as that of a Mando-pop superstar. While working on the show, people would often ask me for a playlist, but I didn’t really have any to share. It wasn’t really about the music itself, which could sound derivative or amateur to some. It was about the fact that they sought to express themselves through music, in contexts that made them outliers and oddballs. I came to love all the music in our show because of that second-hand thrill--that sense that these moments had been deeply meaningful to everyone in the room. 

You can hear it in the voice of Stephen Cheng, who ended up being the show’s most memorable star. He put out a rocksteady gem in the sixties and then spent the next decade in New York trying to get the Dragon Seeds, his Chinese “folk-rock” band, off the ground. Cheng died years ago, but Andrew found his children, who brought some reels of unreleased music to the museum. I remember staring at them, wondering what was on them. It was a kind of anticipation and wonder that I often miss, when the operative feeling I associate with music-listening on the internet is the frenzy of opening and closing windows, clicking links, proving my humanity to a captcha.

Stephen’s singing wasn’t great, but it was perfect. His version of “Yesterday,” all warbly and over-the-top, has now supplanted the original for me. Somehow, we played some of Stephen’s songs on the radio, including one about butterflies and love. Somehow, one of the people listening was a butterfly expert, and he was about to marry another butterfly expert. Who knew such a song was possible, the groom-to-be told me. Stephen was too obscure to be properly forgotten. Or maybe his song was just dormant all these years. It awaited just the right listener, and now, over forty years later, he would get his propers, sandwiched somewhere between the vows and Kool and the Gang, a couple minutes of people scratching their heads, searching for the right smile, saying Can you believe this? to one another.

### TEENAGE DREAM

Warren Defever/His Name is Alive, All the Mirrors in the House

EXCELLENT USE OF “P.S.K.” Kindness feat. Robyn, “Warning” EXCELLENT USE OF A TELEPHONE Mavi, “Guernica” TECHNICALLY 2018, BUT TAIWAN’S ANSWER TO COIL, JOY DIVISION, ETC SEN, “The Cicada” SAME (2018) BUT TAIWANESE DREAMBOAT VIBES Linion, “Can’t Find” ANOTHER, KINDA BILLY BRAGG-Y Wayne’s So Sad, “Wanderer’s Guide to Taipei” SUMMER IN TAIWAN, AND SO I BOUGHT A LOT OF CDs, INCLUDING THE LIMITED EDITION SIGNED 9M88 DEBUT 9m88, “Love Rain” THEY ARE VERY INTO THE “FUTURE SOUL” THING Andrea, “You Better Kiss Me” THIS GUY HAS THE SAME NAME AS MY COUSIN Yo Lee demos LOTS OF BACKPACKS Hsien, Lately AMAZED TO SEE LIM GIONG REISSUES THERE, THIS IS THE DANCE ALBUM HE RECORDED IN 1994 IN THE UK BEFORE BRINGING RAVE CULTURE BACK TO TAIWAN Lim Giong, Entertainment World (IF YOU ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH LIM GIONG, THIS IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER Lim Giong, “A Pure Person) AND HERE’S 9m88 COVERING “PLASTIC LOVE” 9m88, “Plastic Love” AIR SUPPLYERS Oso Leone, Gallery Love Sunset Rollercoaster, Vanilla Villa I ENJOYED THIS WHEN IT CAME OUT BUT HONESTLY FORGOT IT CAME OUT THIS YEAR, OR THAT I ENJOYED, BUT FOR THE LONGEST TIME MY “2019″ EMAIL DRAFT JUST READ “CHIEF KEEF HNIA KAIL MALONE (sic)” Chief Keef and Zaytoven, GloToven

ANOTHER DEVASTATING DUO Pink Siifu and Akai Solo, Black Sand

MYSTIC CHORDS OF MEMORY Kali Malone, The Sacrificial Code Clarice Jensen, Drone Studies I AM A SLOW WALKER, BUT I NEVER WALK BACKWARDS Michael Vincent Waller, Moments ana roxane - ~~~ A THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT Caleb Giles, Under the Shade Medhane, Own Pace WE ARE THE ONES WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR Angel Bat Dawid, The Oracle Art Ensemble of Chicago, We are on the Edge READ JOSEPH JARMAN Joseph Jarman, Black Case I and II RESPECT YOURSELF Helado Negro, This is How You Smile Deb Never, “Swimming” LET’S DO IT AGAIN Tommy Holohan & Casper Hastings- RVE001 Eris Drew, Raving Disco Breaks LET’S DO IT AGAIN AGAIN, BUT SMEARED Burial, Tunes 2011-2019 OR PERHAPS YOU WERE THERE Callisto, Guidance is Eternal, Part I PERHAPS YOU WERE THERE FOR MICROHOUSE AND PEAK MEGO AND BLOGS Barker, Debiasing AT A WAREHOUSE PARTY, ABLE TO HEAR TOO MANY FLOORS, ROOMS, SOUNDS AT ONCE, IN A GOOD WAY Dies Smely, “Neptune Rises” AT A WAREHOUSE PARTY, BUT THINKING ABOUT PLUNDER, THE TRAIL OF TEARS, THE SANCTITY OF EARTH Kelman Duran, 13 Month A KIND OF BLUE Steve Hiett, Down on the Road by the Beach POSSIBLY MY MOST PLAYED ALBUM, 2019 Galcher Lustwerk, Information R.I.P. PRINCE, FOREVER AND ALWAYS Serpente, Parada Moodymann, Sinner Nelson Bandela, Purprain THE OPPOSITE OF “I AM A GOD” Nelson Bandela - “i'm mortal” YOU GOT ME Shane Eagle feat. Santi and Bas, “Vanya” HARD TO BELIEVE JAZMINE SULLIVAN REMAINS SO OVERLOOKED Kindness feat Jazmine Sullivan, “Hard to Believe” WATCH FOR THE HOOK Quando Rondo, “Gun Powder”

ANTE UP Polo G feat Lil Tjay, “Pop Out” “PANTS GON BE SAGGIN TIL I’M FORTY” Freddie Gibbs and Madlib, “Thuggin”

“WHY THEY LET THE TERMINATOR WIN THE ELECTION?” Sault, “Why Why Why Why Why”

HOLLOW BONES Showbiz and Milano, “Guillotine” LADI LUV, “GOOD TO THE LAST DUB” City Girls, “Act Up” MONEY BOSS PLAYERS Benny the Butcher feat 38 Spesh and Jadakiss, “Sunday School” Roc Marciano, “Richard Gear” WARP 30 (1989-2019) Droop-E, “The Droop-E Way” INTERSTELLAR SPACE, PROBABLY KILLER LIVE Blacks’ Myths, Blacks Myths II ALICE NEVER WENT ANYWHERE Sam Wilkes, “Sivaya” Alice Coltrane, Live at the Berkeley Community Theater 1972 RIYL: LYRICHORD, EFFECTS PEDALS Seungmin Cha, Nuunmuun RIYL: EFFICIENCY, INTERLUDES Solange, “Binz” “WHO HERE IS STILL LISTENING TO JOHNNY MAY CASH’S “DRUGS” IN 2019?” Playboi Carti, “Molly” “MOLLY” CZ Wang and Neo Image, “Just Off Wave”

YOU’VE SUBSCRIBED TO “UK STREETSOUL YOUTUBE PLAYLIST” Apiento feat Harriet Brown, “Down That Road” WHERE WERE U IN 2092? Jai Paul, “He”

LIL B, INNIT Voldy Moyo, Paper World SCREAMADELICA Vampire Weekend, “Harmony Hall” Humeysha, Nusrat on the Beach FOLKTRONICA Aldous Harding, “The Barrel” TOO PURE Springfields, Singles 1986-1991 MY AQUARIUM Rod Modell, Captagon ANOTHER WORLD IS POSSIBLE Vagabon, Vagabon 4-TRACK TWEE BEDROOM COVERS OF BLINK-182′S DUDE RANCH Colleen Green, Blink-182′s “Dude Ranch” as Played by Colleen Green

KINDA AS THOUGH A PART OF MY 2016-19 LP PURCHASES FORMED THEIR OWN BANDS Anunaku, Whities 024 75 Dollar Bill, I Was Real Joshua Abrams and Natural Information Society, Mandatory Reality

JUST 30 OR SO GECS Cool Fang, Sparring I’M A DEADHEAD BUT FOR STANDING ON THE CORNER SOTC Art Ensemble, SOTC Double Bass Ensemble * Merciful Allah Black Hole Theater * 4/24/19 SOTC Art Ensemble, Variation 9 * Merciful Allah Black Hole Theater * 4/27/19

SONG OF THE SPRING, SUMMER, WINTER, YEAR, STILL UNDEFEATED

[hoshigomi]

God of Stars//Éclair Brillant review, Hoshigumi, 2019

I may not have a real summer vacation from work, but my schedule allowed me to take a break this weekend to go down to Takarazuka to catch some of the first/second week of Hoshigumi’s God of Stars and Éclair Brillant! 

(I WILL be seeing this show more in Tokyo and I will probably/maybe be able to refine these thoughts by the time it ends there, but let’s start off with first impressions, shall we? ♡)

First thing’s first, I love Hoshigumi. That’s not a secret. It’s not that I think they can Do No Wrong it’s just that I love them even when they Do Wrong. Thankfully, this is a case where I truly BELIEVE they did no wrong. Both the show and the revue were well suited to Hoshigumi and their cast of characters, and well suited to Kurenai Yuzuru and Kisaki Airi, the retiring top stars, as well. 

God of Stars

Ooh BOY. Whatever you expected when you saw this poster,  multiply that by about a thousand and you’ll maybe be a little closer to right. The English language website has released this plot blurb - feel free to read for some context, if you want! 

Tl; dr-  It’s kind of about the dangers of gentrification, it’s kind of about two idol groups vying to rise to the top, it’s kind of about loving someone despite their flaws, it’s kind of about being loved as you are, and it’s kind of about Iron Chef. It’s zany and it’s FUN and the music (some of which is by famed anime and other-things composer Hyadain) is catchy and memorable. (I have seriously had the main theme and one of the big group numbers stuck in my head all week.) I would call this the most anime play I have ever seen, and I’ve seen anime plays. I would also compare it to Om Shanti Om, if you’ve seen that. There are STACKS AND STACKS of references to new media, actual people, mythology, popular culture, and the actresses themselves (half of their characters are plays on their names, if they’re not playing someone real, like Chow Yun-fat, literally the lead actor from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.)

If you’re generally a fan of comedies, slapstick, BIG group numbers, anime plays, or things that don’t take themselves too seriously, you’ll love it. It’s just pure fun.  It’s light. It’s loving. It’s energetic. It’s happy. It’s Hoshigumi. There are a few very touching scenes between characters - one in particular between Hong (Kurenai Yuzuru) and Lee (Rei Makoto), made someone within earshot of me cry every time I saw it. For me personally, this show REALLY shone in the group scenes- I never knew quite where to look (not because the main action wasn’t engaging, just because WHEREVER you looked in the group scenes, someone was making a specific, motivated, and usually HILARIOUS character choice), and I sincerely wish I could have a star angle of every actress in every big scene.  So, let’s talk about some of these actresses! 

Kurenai Yuzuru plays Hong Xing -Xing, the chef. He’s an asshole. He has a heart of gold underneath it all, but spends the majority of the play having that bit of him excavated. Again, if you’ve seen Om Shanti Om, think act II Om. I loved it. Beni does shine at this kind of thing, playing loveable assholes. The music ROCKED for her, the over the top RIDICULOUSNESS of this show is where she shines the brightest. She worked with everyone around her to create great moments for some little characters and lent her comedic timing to the whole troupe, it seemed like. I missed the depth that her role in Elbe allowed her to show, and the stillness and emotional intent she’s so heartachingly beautiful at was missing here, but that’s the show’s fault, not hers. I loved this as a taidan role. I’ll miss Beni. I can’t wait to see how her and Hong have grown by Tokyo. 

Kisaki Airi as Eileen Chow particularly kicked ass (figuratively and literally, with slipper kung-fu.) She DEFINITELY wasn’t shafted here (hooray!!) with two solos in her wheelhouse and honestly, I feel, a stronger character than Beni even got. She was spunky and sassy and she looked so damn GOOD in all her costumes. Nothing but respect for MY anime heroine, Eileen Chow. 

Hanagata Hikaru from Senka played Eric Yang of the Golden Star Group, a straight man to everyone else’s completely whack roles, unfortunately a little unremarkable (she’s so comedically GIFTED, but this role was strictly there to advance the plot.) Rei Makoto, the-soon-to-be-top star, was sweet as Lee Long Long  Dragon, Hong’s rival. He’s the classic trope of complete nerd-turned- absolute hottie, when he meets his idol (and literal idol) Christina Chang (Maisora Hitomi, next top musumeyaku). Some of the most universally appreciated humor in this show came from Lee being absolutely FLUSTERED by Christina- and it was really NICE to see these two play together as a couple. They have some SWEET SWEET moments, particularly with their scene together at the end of the play. The seeds of good chemistry are there, and they have the potential to sound really great together. I really hope they don’t sacrifice humor and personality in the long run for pure skill, but I’m optimistic. ♡) 

Yumeki Anru as Kitty, Hong’s Kind Of Girlfriend (and later Chow Yun Fat’s arm candy) was a COMPLETELY INCREDIBLE, SEXY, Sailor Moon Villain-esque nuisance- also may or may not have been directly lifted from Crazy Rich Asians.  

The boy band, Paradise Prince, made up of Kiwami Shin, Amato Kanon, Amahana Ema, Amaki Homare, leader Seo Yuria, and long suffering (but LOVING and mature and full of her own life and opinions and things to Get Done- my only complaint is I wish they let her sing more) manager Arisa Hitomi were a COMPLETE delight. If I could give them the small group ensemble award for just the sheer bullshit they were CONSTANTLY giving us, God I would.  If you didn’t know where to look in God of Stars and you defaulted to them, you’d NEVER be disappointed. From choreographing small routines on the side of the stage to taking selfies and making Tik Toks, they were 100% on all the time. (Also, sounded vocally great and looked great dancing, technical skill wise. I would honestly buy this group as a boy band. Let me know when they release their first single. I’ll buy 10.) (Distinguished performance award goes to Amato Kanon, who is Ken 3 but has the raw power of six upperclassman otokoyaku combined, and is going to be absolutely UNSTOPPABLE in a few years once she learns how to refine ALL THAT.) Kozakura Honoka, Sakuraba Mai, Mizuno Yuri, Seira Hitomi, and leader Maisora Hitomi, make up the girl group, Eclipse, who are used more for transitions and set dressing (albiet FUN set dressing), than plot devices of their own. (Sorry girls, the boys win this idol group battle.) 

Kisaragi Ren (Ren), Mao Yuuki (Mao), Miki Chigusa (Lao Hu), Kizaki Reo (Leo) (see what I’m saying about character names....?), and Shizuki Otone (Michelle) are the working class, good people from Eileen’s life who have stakes in the food hawker stalls, and GOD, they, along with the boy band and the underclassmen ensemble characters, really bring the story to life. Every one of them makes a specific character and sticks to it with care and love and humor and stakes and it’s clear and it’s big and it is, in my opinion, so Hoshigumi. (Also, the roles weren’t huge, but these were still nice for Mao Yuuki and Kisaragi Ren’s last roles in Takarazuka. They were usually together and always funny and got to be in PLENTY of the show, which is all we can ask for.) 

Tenju Mitsuki and Otoha Minori both got to flex their acting chops as Eileen’s parents. Even if I am a little sad that the two of them are now officially playing parents, they ARE old enough that that shouldn’t really be surprising. Tenju Mitsuki especially got to be funny, and Otoha Minori got to be loving and maternal, and I feel that both really milked their roles for all they could. Also, for PARENT ROLES, they were hardly shafted, so I’ll count my blessings now.  

Natori Rei, Mari Yuzumi, Hiroka Yuu, and Sazanami Reira as Demon Bull King, Princess Iron Fan, and The Bodhisattva Candraprabha and Suryaprabha respectively (y’all PLEASE look these characters up I am BEGGING you) were Beni’s family (see the show before you decide whether I’m speaking figuratively or literally) and while the show could have happened without that side plot and only a few tweaks, were a really lovely and worldly addition to the cast. It was FUN to see the Gods and People Of Legends giving context to the story and the other characters, and even more fun to see normal people interacting with them at the end of the play. 

As the newswoman and MC Vimmy, Shirotae Natsu was LITERALLY playing her character from Om Shanti Om, and was just as delightful now as she was then (and one of the times I saw the show, worked INCREDIBLY seamlessly and quickly with Beni to fix a mic issue that could have made a whole scene fruitless.) Iroha Reo was Shirotae Natsu’s assistant MC, and Shidou Ryuu was the producer, both in small but still lovingly crafted roles. Haruto Yuuho’s incredible voice was completely wasted as the silent role of cameraman, but she looked cute as hell in a beanie and glasses. Murasaki Rira as Madam Yang was an absolute joy in the back (or front) of every Golden Star Group scene, playing a little batty and a little flirty and a little spacey and a lot wild and fun. Yuunagi Ryou as Chow Yun Fat, actual Real Life Actor (and for the purposes of this play, the deciding judge of the cooking competition,) was a lot of fun if you love looking at the complete storylines people can come up with in the back of scenes, and your kind of character if you’re into the whole bad boy but also kung fu actor guy thing. Toudou Jun (Sheik Jahuli), Asamizu Ryou (Monsieur Lobchamp), and Minato Rihi (Michiba Juusaburou, NOT to be confused with Actual Iron Chef Michiba Rokusaburou) were the other chefs featured by the Golden Star Group, and MAN, they were all funny.  Toudou Jun had a particularly fleshed out take on her character, more naan jokes than I can count, and a surprising amount of heart in the group scenes with Eileen and co. Ooki Makoto as the priest had one of the best lines in the show, correcting Hong’s reading of a sign, and Otosaki Itsuki, while onstage very little, got a KILLER solo as the dragon boat singer at the start of the Singapore scene mid-show.

If you get a chance, I really recommend you see this show in person. It is a lovingly crafted, well performed, slapstick ride in an Iron Chef meets Cutthroat Kitchen vehicle. It ends with rainbow gyoza and a RAP battle, y’all. The LIFE of it is so shockingly full force in the theatre, as is the volume and the humor and the love that I think endears Hoshigumi to its fans. God of Stars is worth a watch- and even if it ends up not for you, at least you’ll be able to see you saw Naan used as a weapon in a stage fight. ♡

Éclair Brillant,

(which I learned TODAY is not called ‘Éclair Brilliant’). Is, well, Brilliant. While I wouldn't call this the best Benigumi revue in my eyes, (it's no Killer Rouge, and I am PARTICULAR to Estrellas as fair as Hoshigumi Energy goes), the fact is, everyone has different taste, and besides that, Éclair Brillant is BEYOND good. Here's a quick number by number breakdown (as it goes in my memory.) The opening is CLASSY and CLASSIC. It actually is NOT AT ALL unlike the opening to Bouquet De Takarazuka, but it's silver, not beige. The choreography and music both have moments that DEFINITELY struck me with deja vu. Something interesting is that this revue DOES NOT have a title screen/sign/marquee. I am not SURE why that is. In its place, the music starts (a low hum, very space-y), and the theatre slowly fades to complete darkness, before Kurenai Yuzuru (Beni) is illuminated from the back, the light shining through her gauzy, spacey, alien costume in a VERY cool way that made the audience all ooh and ahh, then the lights come up on her face and we begin. The theme is SWEET. Beni sounds INCREDIBLE in this part of her vocal range. Then, enter the rest of the troupe, Rei Makoto (Coto) gets her solo, Seo Yuria (Seo) and Hanagata Hikaru get time on the bridge, Kisaki Airi (Airi) gets her solo. It's all structurally sound, predictable, and good. This opening is the only place in the revue with a kyakusekiori (actresses in the aisles.) 

The opening ends, and Beni is left on the bridge for a solo number. It's playful and uptempo and and not stylistically unlike Leaning on a Lamppost from Me and My Girl, only a little more introspective and slower. She sits on the stairs to the audience for part of it and really focuses on just singing and acting and being present and it's lovely. 

From there, the curtain rises on a very pastoral, calm, almost blank stage, save for a tree, a couple outdoor tables, some underclassmen playing couples and waiters and waitresses, and Maisora Hitomi with a hat. You can tell this is going to be a dance scene immediately, and it is. (Side note: The underclassmen in this scene ROCK. They have a lot of moments of complete stillness and freezes into very fluid natural movement, and they all maintain their storylines and relations throughout. It's nice to see.) Anyway, Maisora is minding her own business and then a sudden gust of WIND blows through the beautiful scene, her hat is whisked away offstage, she briefly chases after it and then ah, gives up. She goes back to her table presumably to like continue having a normal day and mourn the loss of her hat but surprise, there is the personification of the wind itself (Coto) sitting on her table like a little wind nymph. They dance. It's beautiful. I'd say more but that's all there is to say- they dance and it IS beautiful. I think right now dance is looking like it's going to be their strength because boy, they move REAL WELL together. They're both pretty top tier dancers, and it's cool to see them move so naturally together despite having just met. Maisora also VOCALLY sounds better in this number than she did in God of Stars, in my opinion- it's a pretty, lilting slow tune that she definitely sounds good on. The dance ends with an attempted kiss and some falling feathers, and suddenly, all the people from the scene come running back on, breaking the fantasy (with the hat! They found the hat!), and Maisora ultimately runs back off with them after a pensive glance out, as if wondering if the Wind Spirit who visited her Will Ever Return. Then Coto sings some more. It’s predictably beautiful.

Cumbanchero (the start of the chuuzume, despite being only three songs into the revue) is one of my very favorite numbers in the revue, probably because I have a big ol’ Takarazuka Crush on one of the dancers, but also because it’s just really high energy and it’s danced so WELL. It starts ABRUPTLY and features Kurenai Yuzuru, Mao Yuuki, Shidou Ryuu, Kizaki Reo, Sazanami Reira, Hiroka Yuu, Yuunagi Ryou, Minato Rihi, and Amato Kanon. Man, they can all DANCE. If Coto’s Hoshigumi features these actresses in dance numbers, they’re gonna look GOOD. It’s a nice reprieve from the so far calm and pretty revue and starts to take things over to the sexier/bolder/more sensual Latin-inspired side, where a lot of the rest of the revue sits, musically. (Though like, Takarazuka “Latin” is what it is and we all know that.) Airi gets a turn in the spotlight next, singing a song I WISH I knew the title of, with either a long curly blonde wig or a short brown bob  depending on the show while Ooki Makoto and Kisaragi Ren (hell yeah) get fawned over/pawed at/pushed around by musumeyaku. It’s sensual. Also sensual (but leaning much more towards playful and flirty) is The Next Number In The Chuuzume, sung by Amahana Ema, Kiwami Shin, and Arisa Hitomi. Arisa Hitomi SPECIFICALLY sounds mature and sexy and GOOD and everything a musumeyaku learns to be when you give her a chance to grow up. Some of the kids do coupley samba around them. They’re VERY cute.  The stage goes dark and Beni, Airi, and Coto appear- they dance around each other and with each other in every combination possible while Mikkii sings on the stairs- and God, I could talk for ages about how much I love when they let Mikkii sing for duet/trio dances. She brings out all the emotion in the songs and gives the dancers so much space to play in. The END OF THE CHUUZUME is set to The Gift (by Eydie Gorme). It’s too short. The music rocks. It’s all samba stepping and teasing grinning and I loooooved it. Otherwise though, it was a very standard chuuzume. (One of my ONLY complaints about this revue is that I DO wish they took the chance to do something a little more BeniAiri. Anyone can do a Nice Chuuzume. These two have such play and humor in them, and I would have loved to see something more like Championne from Estrellas as their last chuuzume. It was still VERY solid and very good, but lacking in personalization.)

After the chuuzume, Seo comes on surrounded by eight musumeyaku (Seira Hitomi, Mizuno Yuri, Nijou Hana, Kuresaki Rino, Miyako Yuuna, Sumika Amane, Ruri Hanaka, and Ayane Miran. You didn’t expect Seo Yuria to sing Mas Que Nada with the dirtiest bass line I have ever heard, but here she is, singing it (well!). Seo sings across the bridge and it feels filthy somehow and I have NO idea what to do with it. Everyone in this number is trying to ooze sex appeal out of every pore in their body. Some of them ARE succeeding. This number makes me more uncomfortable than excited, but I think your mileage may vary here.

Ravel’s Bolero is the best number in Éclair Brilliant, and may be one of the best numbers in any revue ever. It’s very long, but I don’t think it’s long ENOUGH. There is NO singing. There is no sound from the actresses save for stepping and clapping and the occasional stomp. 

These are two pictures from the number but they don’t even BEGIN to do it justice. I am PRAYING the DVD captures it, but the real magic in this number is how groups of dancers use the stage, how they line up SHARPLY and PERFECTLY in place, how they move on and off the stage with incredible fluidity but INTENSE movements, how groups move in sync or against each other, the lighting being low and shadowy- this number was perfect. I am a HUGE sucker for loud flashy funny in your face- and this sharp, understated, stripped down dance number could have brought me to tears. This was one of the most incredible things I have ever seen in any Takarazuka show, and deserves a spot in ANY Best Of list that’s ever compiled from here on out. 

It’s hard to top Bolero, so for a tonal shift, next we have our Taidan Number/Rockette. And honestly? It’s well timed. The taidan medley is Hanagata Hikaru (not retiring), Shirotae Natsu and Yumeki Anru (ALSO not retiring), and our incredible, wonderful, brilliant taidansha, Kisaragi Ren and Mao Yuuki, singing Frank Sinatra’s That’s Life. It’s full of heart and earnesty and smiles and it’s honest and fun and these people on this stage love each other, and they love what they do, and it’s so EASY to see. Renta dances and sings with the same 200% she always gives, and Mao Yuuki takes in everything and everyone around her every time I see her do this number. It’s gonna be BRUTAL on the last day. The four upperclassmen join the rockettes for the first part of their dance (which is CUTE), and then run off to let the girls do their thing.

The rockettes end and a new set of feathers takes the stage- Beni, Airi, Maisora Hitomi, Kiwami Shin, Arisa Hitomi, and Amahana Ema in a slinky, sequined leotard bird of paradise number (Beni has some notes in this song that give me CHILLS in the best way)- and they’re eventually shoo’d off by Coto, Amato Kanon, Aomi Sario, Sakishiro Kei, and Kisa Kaoru, in MORE exciting bird-of-paradise costumes, and a more upbeat and aggressive and slinkier dance. (It was COOL to see Kisa Kaoru and Sakishiro Kei included in here- I don’t feel like I’ve really seen them do anything to date, and they’re both solid! Aomi Sario is familiar and Amato Kanon is climbing the ladder quick.)

The next number is nothing short of beautiful. It’s a Beni dance solo (again, no singing at all- the ending of Éclair is a little sparse on vocals), until she is joined by most of the Hoshigumi musumeyaku, all in flowy pink petals, with an electric shamisen. It was VERY falling-sakura-esque. It was STUNNING. They fall and they scatter and they twirl and Beni is in the midst of it all, and by the end of the song...

-the petals have all fallen and we are in place for one of my favorite kuroenbi ever. In fact, the whole rest of this revue is beautiful. This kuroenbi is more electric shamisen, a lot of high kicks, a lot of sharp and bold movement and interesting lines and groups of younger actresses and groups of older actresses taking turns centerstage and (a beautifully funny moment between Beni, Renta, and Mao Yuuki that IS a tonal shift for a brief few seconds, but doesn’t interrupt the flow of the dance at all, and is just so ... heartwarming to see. It’s lovely to see the taidansha honored in a way that’s so purely them.)

All the otokoyaku save for seven (Rei Makoto, Hanagata Hikaru, Mao Yuuki, Seo Yuria, Shidou Ryuu, Amahana Ema, and Kiwami Shin) exit the stage, and Airi enters. Coto sings a beautiful song to Airi as Airi gets to dance with all her otokoyaku in turn, it’s also playful and flirty and loving and Mao lifts her and spins her SO well- the dance only ends at its climax when Beni runs onstage from behind Airi and catches her- Airi has found her real partner and the duet dance begins in earnest with just the two of them. It is, as you’d want for the two of them, very sweet, very loving, very kind, and very much just two people who love each other and have gotten to know each other so well.

 It suits them, and their smiles and the amount of HUGGING in this dance is exactly what they deserve. It’s a good taidan duet dance. It’s a good Beni/Airi taidan duet dance. 

Overall, I think Éclair was very good. It honored a lot of what has made Beni and Airi’s Hoshigumi what it was, in the little moments, but didn’t drown itself in kitsch. That said, I might have liked to see a LITTLE more of their personalities in the revue- I can almost say it felt like Éclair was ushering in Coto’s new era of Hoshigumi a little early and a little rushed. This would have been a BRILLIANT mid-top-run revue for this pair, because GOD did it show that they’re capable of more than the humor and energy that they’re too often pinholed into by Takarazuka fans in general. That is without a doubt their wheelhouse, but both Kurenai Yuzuru and Kisaki Airi are a LOT more than funny. It was incredible to see so much of that in a revue, because while we’ve seen it in plays, they haven’t really had a revue that feels this classic (to me), to date. It was a good revue to pair with God of Stars, though, because the full three hours gave you little bites (haha) of the incredible range that both these actresses have. 

I loved God of Stars and Éclair Brillant. I loved them as a pair. I love Kurenai Yuzuru and Kisaki Airi as a pair. I love Hoshigumi for everything they are and everything every actress brings to the table, and I can not wait to see how this show and the actresses have grown by the time it reaches Tokyo. ♡

星組最高！

[beautality]

Fears & Ferris Wheels

Series: Hunter x Hunter with original character(s) Ships: Implied Chrollo x Malachi (OC) Warnings: Internal minor anxiety Extra Notes: Much love and credit to @terminallydepraved for helping me! Thank you! ♥ This is my first piece of writing so it’s fairly short. Malachi’s art is also by me. Please ask permission before you start to critique!

Summary: The summer fair has arrived in town and being the charmer he is, Malachi convinces the troupe that they need to go. The bad news is that a certain magician is also inviting himself, determined to cause a little trouble as he always does. Fortunately, Chrollo knows how to get under Hisoka's skin just right so that he can steal Malachi away for a special ferris wheel ride.

He didn’t think it could ever be this way. It never played out in his mind that he could be here, at a dusty county fair with its trademark flashy amusement rides and sinfully greasy eats, feeling like he had his place in the world figured out among people who never failed to win his heart over again and again. The colorful lights of the fairgrounds strobed to a song Malachi knew all too well, but his thoughts were too preoccupied to focus on the lyrics.

These are the people who love me. Accept me. They might not always understand, but they try.

He gazed around at each and every person, his left hand propping up his chin and a bite of scone drenched with honey butter in his right. Most of them were laughing and talking with each other, boasting little to no cares about the world tonight other than keeping their hands from getting sticky with the syrup and grease on their deep fried treats, but two certain people were watching him. Hisoka scooted closer on Malachi’s left, a faint but musical hum coming from his throat.

“Are you going to eat that?”

Hisoka teased with his usual saccharine tone, pointing a sharp, neon purple nail at the sticky sweet snack between Malachi’s fingers. It took Mal a moment to snap back to reality before he looked Hisoka straight in the face and stuck the scone in his mouth. The silly reaction made Hisoka laugh as he crossed his arms on the table and leaned on them.

“Hm, I suppose that’s your answer. You seem distracted... Is there something wrong?”

Sharp golden eyes were fixated on Malachi as Hisoka awaited an answer. It wasn’t easy to give him one; Malachi had always struggled to convey his feelings in the form of spoken words.

Hisoka, why do you always put me on the spot? I almost think you want to see me flustered. No, I know you do. You’ve always been like that.

“I just... Was thinking about stuff? I mean like... Uh...”

He didn’t have to flounder for long before a warm, lilted voice interrupted and saved him from needing to reply.

“Malachi, what’s your favorite part of the fair?”

Chrollo was watching Malachi with a curious smile from his seat across the table, seeming to completely ignore Hisoka. From the look on the magician’s face, it was obvious that he was displeased, but he kept his lips pursed tight. It appeared that even he didn’t want to cause too much tension when everyone was having fun.

Malachi pretended to think about it momentarily, tapping a finger to his lips before grinning over at Chrollo. His heart felt like it was going to burst, but after all this time around the beloved head of the troupe, he’d started to expect it whenever they talked. Hell, it happened just when Chrollo looked at him, but he wasn’t complaining.

It’s usually the rides I look forward to every year. Right now though, it’s him. I want to see him have fun and experience the things he never got to as a kid. I want to see him smile. Not the one he does to fool people or the one he does when he’s curious, but the one he does when he’s enjoying himself.

“I love the rides ‘cause of the thrill. Maybe it’s different for you guys but I always enjoy the rush of excitement I get from them.”

He paused with a soft squeak, glancing away as his face reddened.

“My favorite is the ferris wheel though.”

“That’s not very thrilling, Malachi!”

Shalnark laughed off to the side with a lighthearted tease, earning a nervous glance from Malachi. Even though he wanted to explain himself, Mal just couldn’t do it when words continuously failed him. The feeling of anxiety started to get the better of him and he looked down at his hands to stay calm as his chest tightened.

No no no, don’t do this to yourself. Shal isn’t actually judging you, you need to stop. Please. This is a night for relaxing. There’s nothing to be upset about. Please, stop freaking out, you’re okay. You’re going to be fine.

Seeing Malachi start to panic, Chrollo spoke up again. This time he had that light in his eyes like he did when there was something new and interesting right in front of him.

“Let’s go ride then! I want to see what makes it your favorite. It‘ll be just you and me.”

For a brief moment, Chrollo glared at Hisoka, who had opened his mouth with the intent to invite himself. The other’s eyes narrowed in disdain and he dug his nails into his arms.

“I suppose I’ll have to steal Malachi later then. Enjoy yourselves.”

“I appreciate it, Hisoka! You’re so nice, sharing your friend with me.”

Chrollo clapped his hands together gleefully, a triumphant smile crossing his face as he stood to leave. Malachi’s eyes darted between the two as he slowly rose to follow.

I wonder if they’ll always be this way? It’s... It’s almost as if they might literally kill each other at any moment, but they manage to still get along fine at the same time somehow. I’m so glad that’s not the case between us.

Malachi joined Chrollo in a casual stride towards the ferris wheel, taking deep breaths and looking straight ahead as he matched steps with the man beside him. Chrollo noticed how stiff Mal looked and gently grabbed his hand, interlocking their fingers together as they entered the waiting line.

“You’re important to all of us, you know.”

Chrollo... Is holding my hand?

“You bring a lot of happiness to my spiders.”

He is. He’s trying to comfort me again. But it feels... Genuine. It’s not like when people tell me I’ll be fine, that things will get better.

“You struggle a lot but you still put your heart into all that you do. Thank you for being you.”

This is too much, this is...

Malachi stared at Chrollo for a couple moments, a strange feeling overcoming him, and he realized what it was when tears threatened to pour over his cheeks. Chrollo’s smile was soft, warm, and completely real, one Malachi didn’t consider as a possibility before. If he had to pick a word to describe the emotion behind that look, it would probably be adoration.

This is love. I can’t help it, I truly love him.

After taking one more deep breath to compose himself, Malachi grinned back at Chrollo sheepishly. His cheeks were on fire but he paid no mind, instead squeezing the other’s hand. The touch was electrifying and he craved it.

“I’m so grateful to have all of you... Even Hisoka, I guess.”

He laughed softly, his ears perking up to show his mood lifting.

“But I should be thanking you too, Chrollo. You mean a lot to me and I--”

Before Malachi could confess his newly recognized feelings, the girl taking tickets cleared her throat and reached out for theirs. He hadn’t even noticed the line moving but Chrollo had it covered, lifting their entwined hands to show their bracelets for unlimited rides.

Wow, he’s on top of things and smooth as always. But... I should rethink telling him how I feel. That was close... And I don’t want to ruin things right now.

As Chrollo pulled him towards the open car excitedly, Mal bit his lip but managed to keep his anxiety at bay for the moment. Even though the car was big enough for six people or so, he took a spot nearest the door so he could look out over the fair. Chrollo claimed the seat next to him and inspected the inside with wide eyes.

“It’s a wonder that these old machines don’t just fall apart.”

He murmured as he stared up at the ceiling, although he didn’t seem at all nervous. Then again, Chrollo didn’t seem to worry too much about anything. That was something Malachi found amazing about him.

“They have inspections and procedures, but I think it adds to the thrill in a way!”

Malachi’s tail curled up high and wagged furiously as the cars started to move. Chrollo jolted just a bit at the sudden jerk and Mal couldn’t help but giggle.

“Well, since you mentioned thrills...”

Chrollo looked over with an unamused pout, crossing his arms as if he were about to chastise Malachi. A mischievous grin crossed the younger’s face as he tried to quiet his giggling.

“What makes the ferris wheel your favorite? It’s not fast and it doesn’t flip you upside-down like many of the other rides.”

The pout eased back into Chrollo’s intrigued smile as he moved his hands to settle in his lap. Looking out over the wall of the car, Mal waited to answer until they were near the top, the ride stopping for more people to get on.

“It’s not the same rush of adrenaline I get from the other rides. I’m so scared of heights, scared of feeling like I’m going to fall. But what makes it worth the fear is seeing down below.”

As Malachi spoke, Chrollo peered over the wall behind him. He saw the darkness of the parking field, barely lit by the carnival next to it. For a moment he was a little lost, but Mal gently pulled him over to look at the fairgrounds below.

“You can see Fei shoving a pie in Phinks’s face at the table. Bonolenov and Franklin are over at the game booths, watching Shizuku win countless prizes. Uvo, Paku, Machi, and Shal are doubled over laughing at Nobu, who just ran straight into a front window of the fun house.”

Mal’s eyes were lit up with joy as he pointed out the other troupe members from above. Chrollo watched him with fascination but still wasn’t quite sure what he was getting at.

“Even though I’m scared to be here, I can see how happy everyone is so clearly. Not just the troupe but other families, groups of friends, and... You know, couples.”

He laughed slightly in embarrassment but kept his eyes looking down below. The two sat in silence for a brief moment before Chrollo broke it.

“You don’t just mean the ferris wheel anymore, do you?”

He leaned over and rested his shoulder against Malachi’s. The motion startled Mal for a split second but he reciprocated it, happy to be this close to Chrollo. They both knew the answer and the silence returned again, this time warm and comforting.

He’s right, I don’t mean the ferris wheel anymore. I’m scared to be here, to be alive, but seeing people smile makes it worth facing those fears. Chrollo’s here with me though. He’s the one who keeps me from falling. I think I’ll be fine.

The two of them stayed quiet and soaked in the blissful moment before it was their turn to get off. Neither of them had to say anything as they clasped hands again either. They just walked back towards the rest of the troupe with knowing smiles on their faces.

No, I know I’ll be fine. That’s because I’m loved.

[hoshigomi]

now that’s what i call takarazuka 2018

I don’t feel like i can give a super accurate and unbiased recap of the year, but then, I don’t think that anyone who’s doing this can. So, here are my personal thoughts on the year! 

My favorite musical: Thunderbolt Fantasy. Hands down. I went in thinking it would be what I had to sit through to get to Killer Rouge, and BOY was I wrong. Perfect casting all around, fun, funny as hell, BEAUTIFULLY executed, and just overall something I wish I could have seen every single day of its run. They could not have picked a better show to bring to Taiwan. 

My favorite revue: Killer Rouge (but the SECOND iteration, not the summer run.) The split cast allowed for each and every one of the kids you never really get to see to SHINE (Sumika Amane! Yuunagi Ryou! Ruri Hanaka! Nice!), they got rid of the clunkier bits, added a BEAUTIFUL top star solo for Beni, Kai was in a velvet bodysuit, and the ad libs were OFF THE CHARTS. It was everything to me. I’ll definitely throw more than honorable mentions to Tsukigumi’s BADDY (which requires no introduction or explanation from me) and Soragumi’s Citrus Kaze (for just being Citrus Kaze, no bells or frills or whistles, I just love that show.)

The shows I’m Saddest I Missed are: Tsukigumi’s Singin’ in the Rain- because if any show radiates love, it’s that one. I’m sad I missed the funny and bright and smart-mouthed Another World (by six days....) and the end of otokoyaku Toa Reiya. And of course, I can NOT leave out January’s West Side Story. I saw August. I love West Side Story. But man, I wish I could have seen Sora and Kiki in ACTION. 

The costume I liked most: My knee-jerk reaction is Makaze in Jeans in West Side Story and I don’t really wanna think past that one because I’d like to linger on that image a little longer.

The thing I want to Take Everyone’s Face Gently in My Hands and Force Them to Look At is: The way Hoshigumi worked as an ensemble this year. That troupe isn’t marked by the strongest individuals in the revue, but MAN do they work together in a BEAUTIFUL way even while lacking...cohesion? The adventuring party formula worked incredibly for them throughout Another World AND Thunderbolt both. Their passion/energy/excitement/pure chaotic tangible love for what they’re doing is my favorite thing in the world, hands down. I love Hoshigumi.

The thing that most surprised me this year was: 1.) How much I ABSOLUTELY LOVED YUKIGUMI’S GAISENMON. I was NOT interested in that show. I DID cry during that show. I WOULD see that show again. I was DEEPLY MOVED. I LOVED Gaisenmon. 2.) How much Kazuki Sora ROCKS at ochakai. I literally choked from laughing. If someone said ‘hey, Sora has an ochakai every day this week, wanna come?’ I’d hand them appx. 445 USD and say I’m already on my way to the venue.  3.) I wanted to see Tsukigumi’s Elisabeth like 400 times. Tamakichi’s Der Tod?? Y’ALL??? That whole show was something POWERFUL and lovely. 

The biggest thing that happened in 2018: Kaidan. Like it or not, and I don’t, 2018 was the last full year we were gifted with Nanami Hiroki’s presence both on and off the Takarazuka stage. Her dinner show was beyond my wildest dreams, her taidan announcement HURT, despite my best efforts to be prepared for it, she KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK this year with Kiroku and Shou Fu Kan, her ochakais continued to rock, Ai no Tabitachi was the most moving thing I will ever experience in my life, the love she has for what she does continued to shine, and man, have y’all seen her smiles lately? Nanami Hiroki was the most important part of my 2018 in Takarazuka. 

Additionally: I’d like to thank Shiiran and Toa Reiya for KILLING it together on Instagram, and the Davinci finale made me more physically uncomfortable than I have ever been in public. 

I’m looking forward to: Elbe/Estrellas ♡, everything about the end of Kai’s time in Takarazuka because I feel like it’s going to be full of joy and light, OCEANS 11, On the 20th Century, the change that 2019 might bring about as far as top combis go (as much as some of those are gonna hurt), Thunderbolt Fantasy on Blu Ray, and the uncertainty that comes with any new year. Who knows what we’re going to be seeing that hasn’t been announced yet. 

I feel so lucky I got to see every troupe in action this year, and so thankful for the new perspectives I’ve gained thanks to that. What an amazing thing we all love. Here’s to 2018!

[icharchivist]

i know last post is a joke and it's bc chikage clearly has issues and like i say that all the time that i have 0 standarts but also I'm joking when i say that :( he has a lot of fascinating elements to him and he's much better than that...

(fucktons of spoilers for act 2 underneath) (also it got long)

yeah chikage has a terrible start in the story and he sure has flaws but he's also like a chara who canonically tends to repress his trauma and i could argue that a lot of his bad traits come from that in particular and i have so much sympathy for it (even more so since he begs for help about being saved from it in his character song)

to me it's someone who's been thrown into an awful situation and coped as he could, the fact he considers truth a weakness is indication that he could never feel safe being truthful, and the circumstances of his grief really put the fact he has unhealthy coping mechanism on fire to burn the only person he still cared about.

not to mention i think there's something just to be said about his dedication to stay in the organization to protect hisoka because it's the acknowledgement that his hands are so dirty anyway that he can keep dirtying them if it means he can protect the people he loves, but like again, in his song he begs to "be saved from this fate" so i doubt it's something he's doing because he truly doesn't mind - August wanted to free him too after all, and he knew Chikage better than anyone.

and imo there's a layer of self hatred that comes with being dedicated in staying the monster. just like also in citron's arc he accepts to be "the villain" again and be hated if that's what Citron needs of him, Chikage has no fun at all about it and he doesn't even bother to lie about it either which imo shows how much he's throwing his life away for others.

not to mention his lies are also a reflexion of that - by denying others of knowing about him he's sacrificing a part of his identity to keep everyone's safe and imo the fact he was truthful to Tsuzuru about that ways before he considered the spring troupe family (and that the lie he tells tsuzuru to get him to protect himself is still based on half truth) show that it's not something he's doing out of joy and that even at his worst he still considered ways to protect those people (even if it was for something as simple as he projected August on Tsuzuru that time)

also i do think a few of his deeper lies are based on half truth which i find fascinating. the story he tells Tsuzuru clearly is supposed to evoke August and Hisoka. The lie he tells Sakyo about where he was with Izumi is based on, if you boil it down, "making things right for your sibling" which is still exactly what happened then.

also to anyone who called his lies gaslighting, please actually research what gaslighting is because it's not what he's doing. it's not a synonym for lying. gaslighting implies wanting to make their victim doubt their reality by enforcing that their recolection of an event was made up by them and remplacing said recolection by a lie. it's a manipulation tool to make people think they cannot even trust themselves. and it is a paterns, not a one off thing, because it's a form of long term abuse. Chikage always says he's lying about himself, not about what people think they know, he made it clear that people shouldn't trust what he's saying, the only "lie" he keeps up is about his identity and it's to protect everyone, even in the end he tells Sakyo that he wishes he could tell the truth but he can't share it. "Rather than fooling others, i'm better at fooling myself" as he says in his character song. also another indication than his lies are a coping mechanisms to set distance with his own feelings and keeping people from getting too close, not to manipulate others. (note also that as far as i can tell he never lied to Hisoka, ie the only person who actually knows him).

when people love or relate to a character who sees themselves as the villain, as the monster, there's deeper truth that can be unveilled for that.

and if he's honest about it, considering his thoughts on his mother and step dad(s) i think there is a deep cut into his ability to trust others because of that situation and it is so deep that it's probably more arguments on why he closed himself to this point. also i know ppl are mad at the direction this took and yeah i get it but it's a him problem, he just doesn't want to be touched and I'm still mhmmm at the amount of trust you must have lost from your parents to get to such a level of repulsion.

but without even going that deep a lot of Chikage's fans I've met are Gekka fans and they're especially emotional over his dynamic with Hisoka and his attempts to now make things right toward him. and imo part of the reason Chikage doesn't apologize (which i saw people being angry about) is because he doesn't even forgive himself for the things he's done, he's doing the right thing now because he wants to protect what he loves but i don't think he deserves to be forgiven, which is why he also tried to run away that one time, before he could have this one convo with Hisoka when they talked about their shared trauma.

(tbh add the lyrics to Scarlet Game where Hisoka says "but only i was forgiven" because he's the only one who got out of the organization in the end and allowed to move on while it acknowledge that as long as Chikage remains in the organization he is stuck unable to move on from the horrible things he has done and will do for it. Chikage is like trapped and he picked that fate to make sure Hisoka was safe but it's so sad.)

I'd also argue that considering act 2 acts in pair, with the spring and winter chapter foiling each other and summer and autumn doing so as well, Chikage's family mistrust and how it impacted him can and should be set in parallelism with Guy's situation, because both seem to have been coping with their mother's poor decisions in men and the neglect that followed in letting their kids being hurt and repressing themselves because of that and joining organization where both could be tools with a distance toward their emotions. tho that does rely on Chikage telling the truth about that one thing but so far I'd tend to believe it.

Chikage's copings are a dumpfire and it doesn't help that his grief was so raw that he just fucked up everything, but the amount of trauma that hides underneath is so compelling to me.

also lbr but i also don't trust someone who keeps a potion used to comit suicide on him at all time is someone who is completely at peace with his life. the organization likely wired in all gekka that their lives didn't matter and that they should throw it out for the organization and imo it gave them a unhealthy rapport to death. even the fact Chikage did threatens Hisoka that he "should not come back alive if August dies" the aftermath showed that it's not something Chikage seriously thought. imo i believe Chikage believed that, but when he learnt of Hisoka's death he must have felt partially responsible and realized the weight of his words. while it's an horrible thing to say the fact Hisoka rolled his eyes at it means, imo, that they were both wired in not setting values into their lives anyway. and considering how quickly Hisoka tRIED TO KILL HIMSELF i would actually bet that it extends to Chikage. i believe both of them were wired with suicidal thoughts they could easily act on. again, the fact August tempered with the potions imo really show he expected both brothers one day to kill themselves and he tried to prevent that blaming himself for it. so yeah while what Chikage told Hisoka was awful, they were probably both raised with that mindset, Chikage realized too late the weight of this mindset and has now an opportunity to fix it, but i also think it shouldn't be brushed off that Hisoka acted on it and tried to kill himself and that by all account, Chikage would have a similar thought process.

(also feel like it reflects in their character song of suicidal idealization but in different ways: Hisoka of not wanting to wake up, to keep living in a dream because reality frightens him and he's scared of himself, while Chikage's would probably be more about how he feels like he cannot be saved from his fate. that's overreading though but i think about it a lot)

ALSO (this is the fourth time I'm editing this post with an addition) his spice addiction is something to consider bc I've read a thread about it once and, it seems that, spices unleash specific chemicals that sends a pain reaction to the brain that is answered with andorphine to ease the pain and it is what brings joy out of it. Chikage eats an ungodly amount of spice which is already alarming, he mentions it's the only food he can bear to eat but it took him a long while to appreciate it, so the guy just needed Homemade Chemicals to be stable and ironically those involve pain. it also can product an addiction and we know Chikage feels it that way bc of his "I'm in spice withdraw" line and that in his vampire backstage when he tries to stop eating spice it reflects on his mood a lot, Hisoka gets alarmed by how much of a bad mood Chikage is in. so like... it's not healthy for Chikage to do that and while now he probably eats spice just to eat it and the chemical reactions doesn't do as much effect (like coffeeaddiction) it still is that Chikage had to find ways to cope with his life and now he can't really let go and it's super sad to me?

and it's honestly incredible because i started this post wanting to share very personal reasons Chikage's arc echoed with me but instead with the preface alone it's a character meta that just stands on its own, so like, feel that i feel all of that for him while also having deeply personal reasons to connect with him. (not relate tho, not... really, but connect and feel sympathy)

so yeah i know I'm also one to joke about my low standarts when it comes to how i love Chikage because he has glaring flaws but all i see is a wounded man and i feel so much for him and imo there's a lot, lot of reasons to feel sympathy for him.

so yeah i love Chikage bye.