#and the reality is... i've made SO MUCH art of him over the past year. i won't be struggling to find posts to rb on the day ksjdn | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mysticalsoot · 2 years ago

Text

this is reality

sort of sbi au and autistic!wilbur centric fic

A/N; this took me like four days and it was simply bc I wanted to write autistic will stimming. like the whole concept was the last scene, I just got carried away with james and wilbur bestie moments

Summary; Wilbur Soot also known as Wil Gold is the lead of an up-and-coming indie rock band named Lovejoy. They've only released two EPs in 2021 and are preparing to release their next single Call Me What You Like, but Wilbur is concerned his contribution to the song is what will be their downfall.

OR; Wilbur is autistic, insecure, and anxious so he's surprised when the UK charts are released that maybe he makes good art that people love

TW; anxiety, panic, swearing and I think that's it

Characters; Wilbur, James, Ash, Tommy

Words; 5.4k

dedicated to; @loverboy-soot bc i sent him sneak peeks constantly and I have been meaning to finish and post this every day I've written on it

masterlist

my ao3

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Wilbur had always dreamed of having his own band, people who loved music just as he did and put as much passion and care into the music they made.

He had that now. Joe, Mark, and Ash were the best friends and bandmates he could ask for. They were passionate and creative—they put their all into their art and their dedication was beginning to pay off. There was a manageable amount of non Dream SMP or MCYT Lovenjoyers, but they were getting recognized in mainstream media more often. They’d been on the radio a few times, and they’ve trended on youtube before and they appeared on at least two Spotify-curated playlists. They weren’t big but they were becoming less and less of a silly little indie band by the day.

And Wilbur knew their next single was their big break. It would jumpstart their career further into the industry, he just knew it. Or, well, he hoped it would. There was a gnawing at his brain and his heart that their new song wasn’t all that, that he was fooling himself by believing it was their best yet. The man couldn't get his hopes up, but he also couldn't really help himself in doing so. He loved it so much, he had poured his heart into the lyrics for years, the instrumentals and melodies for the past year—it was his baby. And Call Me What You Like was the song to make or break Lovejoy’s future.

It was a few days to premiering. Wilbur stood in his bedroom pacing back and forth, gnawing at the skin around his nails which nearly drew blood. He pulled his hands away when he began tasting copper.

He tried rocking back and forth on his feet, standing on his toes, lifting himself up and then dropping to stand on his heels. Back and forth, back and forth. Over and over.

That didn't help either.

He tried flapping his hands and pacing. Squeezing his eyes open and closed.

He did everything he could to ease the anxiety that ate him from the inside out.

He rubbed his eyes with the corner of his palms until stars shown in the black of his eyes and a stinging pain appeared with it.

He groans as he kicks the corner of his bed, hissing and reaching down to grab his foot when the pain shoots up from his stubbed toes to his brain where he registers the sensation.

A silent fuck is muttered under his breath.

"Jesus, fuck!" He yells into the void of his room and throws himself down into his desk chair. He quickly clicks on the discord icon. The usual starting pop-up appears and the wumpus logo spins on the window as it loads the program.

He selects the last dm he's opened and goes to type a message; to James.

WilburSoot 7:35 PM, Today

wanna come over?

The question was simple and open-ended and it didn't require an explanation from Wilbur as the reason was probably clear. But not entirely.

James started typing moments later, he wasn't even online when Wilbur initially messaged him, but the moment the message went through, James' name shown as online. He began typing shortly after.

James 7:37, Today

yea sure. you ok tho?

Wilbur hesitated over the keyboard, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he contemplated an answer.

WilburSoot 7:38, Today

oh yeah, I'm fine man. just missed ya.

He hoped he could easily pass James' bullshit detectors, at least until he saw him face to face. It was easier to fib through a screen rather than in person. He didn't have great control over his facial expressions, he was terrible at hiding anything he felt and sometimes he wasn't even sure what he felt so expressing that was difficult. It's easier to lie anyways.

Wilbur sat in silence, opting to chew on his cuticles again as he patiently waited for a response. James began typing just before stopping again, he'd start and then stop over and over. This went on for quite a few moments and Wilbur grew more and more anxious. He wasn't sure why—James had already given his answer but watching as those three dots appeared and disappeared became just one more creature that ate at the flesh inside him.

James 7:40, Today

alright, I'll be over in 10

Wilbur sighed in relief, his hands dropping to his lap and his head hitting the back of his chair as he leans on it. He runs his hands down his face and he lets out a sound close to a laugh but it's more like a strained huff of air.

He uses his hands to push on his desk, his chair rolling backward and he stands up in a rush, hissing at the creaking sound the chair makes as it spins behind him.

I need to fix that, he notes, before hastily grabbing his phone off his bed and shuffling out of his bedroom. His overhead light was already turned off due to the horrendous sound it made. It was like a static clicking, unlike most lights and it was beyond painful. Part of him was quite thankful it was his apartment. That way he could have whatever lights he wanted off, off, and whichever ones he wanted on, on. It was a wonderful thing.

He found himself walking over to his sofa and carefully sitting on the far left side, pulling his legs to rest underneath him. He quickly unlocked his phone and began scrolling tiktok as he awaited James’ arrival.

It was what felt like much less than ten minutes later when there came a knock on wilbur’s flat door and he hopped up. Wilbur shuffled over to the door, quietly but quickly turning the door knob before opening the door to let James in.

“How are you, Wil?” The question catches Wilbur off guard and James stands in front of Wilbur, hands in his jeans pockets and eyes trained up on Wilbur.

The man shrugs, walking away from his friend but gesturing for the other man to join him on the sofa. He finds his previous spot, legs still tucked under himself. James joins him on the other side, shuffling his shoes off his feet before bringing his own legs to rest under him.

“Okay, Wilbur. Why did you ask me over?” James crosses his arms, a stern glare trained on Wilbur and he tries to meet his friend's eyes but panics and diverts his gaze on the wall behind him.

“As I said, I missed you.” He speaks plainly, doing his best to give a soft smile but seemingly failing given the breathy chuckle James gives in response.

“Hmm, like I believe that. I’m not gonna push but I know something more is going on.” James is flat with his delivery, but sincere nonetheless. Wilbur is, surprisingly, able to read the concern stitched into the expression James wears, his eyes soft as he gazes at his friend.

A comfortable silence falls upon the two and Wilbur leans his head against the back of the sofa, his own arms crossing over his chest.

“Mario Kart?” Wilbur’s question breaks the silence and James scoots off his spot on the sofa and hurries over to the tv stand, turning on Wilbur’s old Wii console and slipping in the old Mario Kart cd.

After the TV boots up, James walks back over to sit next to Wil, throwing him a Wii remote steering wheel. “I’m going to beat your ass, William.” The use of Wilbur's legal name earns a laugh from the anxious man and his friend huffs.

“I’d like to see you try.” He smiles, what he thinks is a genuine smile and he clicks through the various introduction screens. He lets James choose his character first—Wario, as always—before he chooses his own, which is always Mario. He likes it simple and predictable, Mario is just that.

The two play a game on the coconut mall map, Wilbur ahead of James—but not for long before his friend catches up to him, knocking him off course and taking his spot in first.

Wilbur grunts at his friend, using various power up's to gather momentum in order to steal his spot back. His attempts return to fruition and he yells in triumph when he passes the finish line, coming in first.

"Fucking told you!" Wilbur laughs in giddy, shaking his hands in pure joy, his eyes closed tightly and a smile wide as can be—one he knows is genuine.

"Jeez man, why are you so good at this game?" James puts his controller on the coffee table, pulling his legs up onto the sofa and resting them in front of him.

"I'm just that good." Wilbur's snarky remark earns a scoff from his friend and he rests his hands behind his head in triumph.

"You need to work on that ego of yours."

"I do *not* have an ego!" Wilbur counters, dropping his arms to cross against his chest and he exaggeratingly huffs.

"Oh like anyone would believe that!" James laughs, a soft, considerate laugh despite the joke thrown at his friend.

"Wow, such little faith." Wilbur smiles and lets a silence fall on the two, the only sound heard is James readjusting his spot on the couch, and a few sighs let out occasionally before going to scroll Twitter on his phone.

Wilbur fiddles with his hands, looking over at James before going to stand and pace again, he tries to be subtle about it, avoiding the attention of his friend. He tries all of his common coping stims, handshakes, bouncing on his feet, rolling on his feet, tapping his fingers, etc. Doing anything he can to cope with the anxiety that was deciding to reappear again. He keeps his eyes on the carpet below him, spinning on his heels to walk the other way when he gets too close to the wall.

James watches Wilbur, eyeing him and his pacing. Wilbur doesnt notice the eyes on him, and James is thankful for that as he sifts his mind for any reason for Wilbur’s current panicked state. He knows something is up and wrong but he’s sure he won’t get an answer out of the man no matter how hard he tries. He would love to be able to guess Wilbur’s reasoning for his panic, but he isn’t telepathic and he can barely understand his own reasoning, let alone another person’s reasoning. James hesitates, he opens his mouth to speak but shuts it closed a moment later. He averts his gaze back down to the phone in hand, mindlessly going through whatever fiery chaos that was his timeline.

He tries his best to keep his gaze off Wilbur, and it worked for the most part but it eventually got to the point his worry outweighed his desire to stay unnoticed. James watched as his friend continued pacing, tapping his fingers or shaking his hands. Wilbur was nervous but James couldn't pinpoint why.

He makes an attempt, "Wil, are you alright?"

Wilbur's head shoots up and his eyes dart to James focused on his forehead but giving the impression he's making eye contact. He's not.

Wilbur hesitates, going to say something when the words lodge themselves in his throat. He nods.

James goes to stand, walking to where Wilbur is frozen in place. He rests his hands on his friend's shoulders. "You can tell me, I know you're not."

"I'm- I'm fine." Wilbur manages to stutter out, wiggling his fingers in another attempt at calming himself. It doesn't work either.

James looks at him with a stern glare, not one of any malice but one of intense care for the other.

"Wilbur." He warns, unwavering in his attempts at calming the other.

Wilbur shakes his head, eyes focused on the fibers of his carpet, and he's glad it's soft.

"I said I'm fine, James. Okay?" His tone is sharp, and he knows how mean it sounds but he doesn't mean it that way and James knows that.

James keeps his gaze on his friend, squeezing his shoulders in reassurance and Wilbur attempts to meet his gaze.

It's a few moments before Wilbur cracks, the realization that James isn't letting this go—that James cares—seeps into his mind and he lets down his wall.

"I'm anxious, very anxious. Scared even, I think." Wilbur's voice is small, and it's shaky. "I'm scared that the song isn't as good as we think, that it'll ruin our careers or that it just won't land right, and that all our hard work will be for nothing because I ruined it all."

"Woah, woah, woah. Where is all this coming from? You have the fanbase you do, because you're talented, because Lovejoy is talented. The song is amazing, you've heard it from everyone and their mothers and you wouldn't if it wasn't true." James pauses, taking a moment to think of what he should say next, his hands still resting on Wilbur's shoulders to keep his friend's attention. "It is going to put Lovejoy on the map. I know it."

Wilbur shakes his head, eyes focused downwards. "But it could be what lights us in flames too."

James laughs, a lighthearted and bright laugh, "You really think that?" Wilbur nods. "Man, you are so wrong."

Wilbur looks up, head tilted and eyebrows knitted in confusion. Big brown eyes wide with fear.

"You're seriously the most talented person out there, anything you make either on your own or with people will be and is amazing. Don't undersell yourself, Wil." James lets his hands fall from his friend's shoulders and he holds his arms open, inviting Wilbur for a hug. "Hug?"

Wilbur nods and takes up his offer, wrapping his arms around the slightly shorter man and resting his forehead on his shoulder. "Thank you," Wilbur mutters, the fabric of James' jacket muffling the sound.

"It's what friends are for." James pulls away and so does Wilbur. "Wanna watch a movie to get your mind off of it?"

Wilbur smiles softly, nodding, "That sounds great. Popcorn?" James nods and Wilbur swiftly leaves the sitting room to head into the kitchen moments later.

"What d'ya want to watch?" James calls from the TV, voice echoing through the walls.

"Anything but Marvel."

"Aw man, I was gonna put on the new ant man movie!" James laughs, and Wilbur does too, readjusting his attention to the popcorn he threw in the microwave.

"Very funny, James!" Wilbur calls back, chuckling to himself as the microwave beeps. He takes the package of popped popcorn and hisses when he burns his fingers, shaking them in the air and blowing on them as if it would help the pain. He rushes to pull open the paper bag when doing so he pours out the contents into a turquoise bowl, his favorite but James doesn't need to know that.

He takes the bowl into the living room after discarding the popcorn bag into the trash. He holds up the bowl, greeting James.

"I grabbed your weighted blanket, by the way, hope that's okay." James gives a soft but nervous smile to Wilbur and he smiles wide in return, nodding enthusiastically.

"Thank you," He mumbles in response, his smile warm and thankful.

James widens his own smile in return, "I was afraid it wouldn't be, it's over on your spot." He points over to the far left side of the sofa—it may be Wilbur's sofa but he has a tendency to lean more towards sitting on the far left side. It's just a habit, and he's grown to dislike breaking it.

He walks over to his spot, sitting down just as he did before with his legs tucked under him. He still holds the popcorn bowl and he hands it over to James when said friend finds his spot next to him.

"We could watch Hamilton," Wilbur suggests, head turning to look towards James. He makes eye contact briefly but feels that same uncomfortable panic and averts his gaze again.

"Really, Wilbur?" James' tone is playful, and you can see through his eyes that he's seriously considering it, and the pout Wilbur puts on only makes his case clearer. "Okay, Hamilton it is." James then throws the remote to Wilbur and he catches it immediately. There's a soft, warm smile graced upon James' lips and he crosses his arms over his chest in contentment.

It's a few moments before Wilbur finds Hamilton on Disney+ and selects play, but the moment it begins, his eyes are glued to the screen. He barely touches the popcorn he made as he feels the anxiety drain from him and his body finally feels relaxed. Maybe it's his weighted blanket or his comfort media that helped, but he considers it and believes that maybe it was James. His words and his presence helped calm Wilbur.

It's silent between the two for the next three hours, Wilbur's attention barely staying from the musical playing before him. James notices the silent happy stims Wilbur begins to do, small, soft handshakes or rocking side to side. His smile is wide and James is happy, he's happy he was the one to help and he is beyond glad he was the one Wilbur reached out to.

He knows why Wilbur was upset, why he was anxious and pacing his flat. The anxious thoughts got to his friend, dug into him deep, and began tearing him apart one by one. Something about Wilbur thinking of going to James first for something so stressful and serious—even if he avoided speaking about it at first—was reassuring, or calming to know. He's important to Wilbur just as much as Wilbur is to James.

Everyone deserves a James, and everyone deserves a Wilbur.

Someone who knows you'll be there for them, someone who will find what would make you most comfortable and help you, who will sit with you in silence and simply be in your presence and enjoy it.

This was nice, this was good. And James was happy.

There was a moment of contemplation after the musical had ended on whether James should leave or not. Part of him wanted to stay so he could be sure Wilbur's anxiety wouldn't kick back up and eat him alive, but the other part of him knew he had to get back to Aria and Otto. He loved Wilbur, he was his best friend, but he also knew Wilbur may not handle him staying the night, and he was okay with that.

"I think I'm gonna head home for the night. You'll be okay?" James began to get up off the sofa, throwing on his jacket that he discarded on the chair, his gaze locked on Wilbur. He had his legs pulled up against his chest and his eyes were locked on the floor.

He nods, "Yeah, I'll be fine..You go home." His tone was flat, and it made James unsure in his decision. He bit the inside of his cheek as he paused, standing frozen as he gazes down at his friend who seemed to fall back into the pit of panic.

"Are you sure?" James is keen on being fully sure it's okay to leave Wilbur alone.

Wilbur looks up and gives a soft—masked—smile, "Yeah, of course...Go home to your family."

James rolls his eyes and laughs, "Otto is a cat."

"He's still family, isn't he?" Wilbur inquires, his tone light and playful now.

James groans and smiles, and then turns to leave for the door. "I'm a text or call away, remember that." And then he heads out the door, softly closing it behind him and then he's out of Wilbur's sight and earshot.

Wilbur shakes his head and rests his head against his knees, doing his best to calm his breathing. He decides to put Hamilton back on, maybe it'll help again.

And so he spends the rest of the night like this, head rested on his knees, arms wrapped around his legs, and the comfort of Hamilton playing in the background. Eventually, he sleeps.

—★—

It's days later and mere hours to the release of Call Me What You Like. He's sniffly and truly feels like shit with his head feeling like it was stuffed with cotton and his body being dredged in slime.

It's a horrible gross feeling and he really wishes he didn't go talk to fans after their gig this past Saturday. It's by no means their fault, he just has the worst and weakest immune system known to man—and he knows it.

He was pacing again, the skin around his nails raw and bleeding. He didn't have enough self-restraint so his coping mechanisms today were more self-destructive than usual or than they should be.

The rest of the band had been talking in the group chat all day and he had ignored every message, their positive outlook only made things worse. It really should be what makes it better but their hope for everything to go well and their seeming knowledge of it doing so, dragged him down and only fed the negative thoughts.

It would only crash and burn because of him, not because of the others, so it made since they had a positive outlook. If it burned it wouldn't be their fault by any means.

His pacing only got worse, and he started to pull at his hair. It was an hour to midnight, hes been avoiding Twitter or any other social platform that would tell him what people thought all day. The Australian fans had already listened to it since it's realized at midnight on your local time—but he was too scared to see what they had to say. So he had all of his devices turned off or facing down.

He didn't want to know, he was too scared to know.

He eventually tired himself out and ended up laying on the floor, blood still flowing with panic. His phone went off at exactly midnight and he waited a few minutes before opening his phone, only to be flooded with oceans of messages from his friends and fans. His friends asked if he was okay, and they seemed worried and concerned—they already heard the song so they didn't have much to congratulate him on. The messages, indirects, and mentions online from his fans were all messages of care and congratulations. Expressing their love for the new song and the new sound—they seemed to believe it was a masterpiece. Some people even used that word.

The flow of words upon his screen took him aback. He wasn't sure how to process all of the positive messages, and he was sure this was a dream. I mean, it had to be. How could so many people love the song so much, so soon?

Maybe it was because the words he was seeing were from his already existing fanbase—the people who are devoted to Lovejoy and wouldn't switch their opinion over one song. It wasn't a sound comparison is what his brain told him. So surely, in the next few days, it'll crash and burn.

He didn't have much longer to sink into his anxious thoughts, as Ash was quick to call him. Wilbur hesitated before picking up and bringing the phone to his ear.

"Hey," His voice cracked from the lack of use and he dug his hand into the carpet, grabbing at the fibers.

"Well, hello, Wilbur." Ash's voice was joyful, and bright, a very large contrast to how Wilbur felt or sounded. "Have you seen what people are saying? They love it!!" He's so quick to enthusiasm, his voice pitching up towards the end and he lets out a joyful laugh.

Wilbur smiles softly at his friend's reaction, but is still hesitant to believe it to be the truth, "Yeah, yeah I saw some of that." He pauses, breath catching in his throat as he mulls over his next action. "Are they lying, though? I mean they're the ones that have been here ages—they could actually hate it and just say they like it." Wilbur's voice is low and quiet, only audible to the man on the other end of the line.

Ash sighs and lets out a breathy chuckle, "It's the internet, Wil. They'd be brutally honest if it was bad."

Wilbur shakes his head, "But they're our fans, they could lie to save our feelings."

"Dude, you're one of my closest friends and I would hate to hurt your feelings—but you sound like an idiot right now." Wilbur can hear Ash's smile through his words, it's playful in the way he says it.

"I'm sure I do—" He cuts himself off, running his free hand through his hair in a stressed motion. He's at a loss for words, he doesn't know what to say anymore, so he just falls from where he stands, sitting with his legs forward on the floor.

"They love it, Wilbur. And you're part of the reason why." Ash is genuine in the way he reassures Wilbur, he means it just as much as he believes it himself.

Wilbur shrugs, and he feels the anxiety gnawing at his insides again. "You think so?"

"I know so."

"I'm sorry."

"What the hell are you apologizing for?" Ash sounds almost offended at Wilbur's words like he just insulted Ash's firstborn child.

"For being a bother? Or for possibly ruining our career." His voice has gone small again, almost mirroring his attempt at curling in on himself, making him seem smaller.

"You're never a bother—and if anything you're the reason we're even here in the first place. Give yourself some more goddamn credit." Ash isn't harsh with his delivery, but stern. And caring—he means well.

"Sorry again," Wilbur replies sheepishly, regretting opening up about his doubts in the first place. He really feels like a burden now, and it's far from Ash's fault.

"Do I need to ban that word?" Ash laughs, and Wilbur can hear the smile through his words and he smiles back.

"No, no, I won't say it anymore. Promise." Wilbur reassures, his smile is unwavering but still small and soft.

"By the way, I was calling to ask if you wanted to come over to mine tomorrow? Joe and Mark are gonna be there too. We're celebrating Call Me What You Like, we tried texting you—" Ash begins but Wilbur is quick to cut him off.

"I'd love to, I'm sorry about ignoring my phone—it was just too hard." Wilbur nervously admits, scratching the back of his neck.

"Yeah, no, I understand. Don't worry, dude. See you at 11?" Wilbur nods and then shortly replies verbally when he realizes Ash can't see him.

The embarrassment bubbles up in his throat but he pushes it down and hurriedly says his goodbyes to Ash. When they've bid their farewells and he's hung up the phone, he heads to his room—deciding sleep is the next thing he should do. He needs much more of it than he's been getting, especially in his ill state. He's not contagious but he notes it as a valid excuse in case he chickens out the next day before he goes over to see his bandmates.

He's more afraid of bringing them down than seeing them. He'd hate to be the reason they feel bad about the song.

—★—

It's been a week since their new single was released, they've been on the radio even more than before, they've announced and sold out an entire tour and the love they've received on it has been absolutely mind-boggling. Wilbur's anxieties over it have practically dissipated entirely, besides the nagging thoughts in the back of his mind about the album—but it's far too early to worry about that. Right now, Wilbur was alone in his flat yet again, patiently waiting for the UK Top 40 charts to release. A few hours prior he posted a video asking everyone to stream CMWYL in hopes they can get a spot on the charts—it'll help get them noticed by important music executives but also reassure him that it's actually good, they wouldn't stream it if it wasn't, right? He didn't mention or consciously realize the second reason, but it was all the same in how prominent of a thought it was.

A few minutes from now and he'll find out statistically how much of a success CMWYL is. Sitting at his desk and refreshing the chart's website is probably not the best option for his anxiety—but he still does it nonetheless. He patiently sits there as he awaits the release of the UK charts. I mean he has nothing better to do at the moment, he's off and he's enjoying his free time just the way he wants.

He's nervously tapping his fingers on his free hand while his knees bounce in the usual gnawing anxiety that he holds. He keeps refreshing the page as he waits for that one moment of truth.

His eyes burn from staring at the screen so long, especially without blinking, and he contemplates taking a break for a moment but then reminds himself why he's doing this in the first place.

After a few more refreshes and the charts are released, he scrolls down the list of songs and artists. He's beginning to get disappointed when he gets into the 20s, but he's soon surprised when he gets to the #32 spot.

Call Me What You Like by Lovejoy is #32 on the UK Charts.

He practically leaps up out of his desk chair when he realizes what he's read. He can't quite tell if the wetness on his cheek is tears of joy or from his eyes watering from yawning and holding his eyes open for hours on end. But he doesn't care, his silly little band has made it. Or, well, it's starting to make it. It's just the first step to becoming known and loved, they can finally get their art out into mainstream media, with new people. They can share their passion with more people.

He's ecstatic, flapping his hands and bouncing around his bedroom floor. It's finally happened. Lovejoy is going to be the indie rock band. And he helped.

Oh my god, he helped!

He goes to rock on his feet as he thinks about what he should do next—obviously, he needs to tweet to thank everyone—should he call his brother? Or maybe his dad, or mum even. He isn't sure where to start first but he seems to go into autopilot as he makes the tweet, taking a photo of him pointing at the computer screen and then another of him flipping out, a blurred and chaotic photo if we're entirely honest. He then texts the LVJY text chat, telling them and showing them photos of it and sending links with it as proof.

And then he calls Tommy, the call is immediately picked up on the other end, a gruff and very Tommy-like hello being muttered on the other end.

"Toms! We're #32 on the charts!" Wilbur exclaims all in one breath, smiling so wide his face hurts and he's giggling from joy. He still bounces on his feet but his hand flapping has died down a little. He spins and jumps around and hopes to God his downstairs neighbors aren't home to be upset at him.

"Really?? Dude, I'm so proud of you!" Tommy replies, and Wilbur is taken aback by how out of character that is—but he takes it, he takes it and he runs with it. His little brother is proud of him.

"Yeah! Yeah! We're finally on the charts man!" His voice is so bright and excited and Tommy laughs at the excitement his big brother exudes.

“You wanna go out and celebrate tomorrow?” Tommy poses the suggestion, voice poking up at the end.

Wilbur quickly nods, “Yeah, of course! Sorry for calling so late by the way--I had to tell someone.” He lets out a small laugh at his own words.

“Glad it was me, big bro.” Tommy’s response and nickname for Wilbur aren't unusual but he can't help from wanting to pick on the younger boy but decides against it.

“Thank you, Toms. I’m gonna head to bed, see you tomorrow?” Wilbur shuffles over to sit on the edge of his bed.

“Yeah, I’ll text you the plans! Sleep well, bitch.” Tommy lets out an airy laugh and Wilbur mirrors it in response to Tommy being so Tommy.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Love you.”

They bid their final farewells and Wilbur gets up and puts his phone on charge, and then slips into bed.

They’ve finally made it, and it was because of him and his talent. Turns out that anxious thoughts aren't that reliable.

#wilbur soot #wilbur #wil gold #wilbur gold #wilbur centric fic #non reader fic #autistic wilbur #cc!wilbur #sort of sbi #tommy is in it #james and wilbur #but platonic

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katyspersonal · 9 months ago

Note

3 for Aldrich, Aldia, Willem & Laurence

9 for Maria

11 for Micolash & Aldrich

24 for Laurence

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

3) What first drew you to this character?

As for Aldrich, I vaguely recall finding out that he checks the traits I like the most? He was one of the characters I've learned about through fandom and not on my own, and I think this ancient meme about summarises it:

Also:

@val-of-the-north SHUDDUP you're basically so horny for Laurence/Logarius/Snatchers that you can't even picture them in your mind in any way but being naked!!!!!!! *casts the stone back at u*

With Laurence, like with Mico, it was the very first glance at the character in Youtube compilation with boss themes and concept art image. I did not know the lore yet, but the design and the music made me imagine Laurence as sort of aged, sagely librarian. I could not imagine back then that his boss fight would be him being a "helpless abhorrent little mewmew" as kids call it! Heck, I thought he'd have dialogue despite the monster form x) In a way, my first impression was not wrong, with the cut content of him actually talking even in a beast form, and implication of him being a son of Cainhurst cut content librarian NPC! I have intuition for cut content before having information, hahaha!

I have nothing to say about Willem. It might be a memory gap thing, but I swear at some point I feel I was turned off and then booted back up with liking this character already installed in my system x) As for Aldia.... ugh for fuck's sake... yeah, it was this legend:

youtube

I was absolutely floored by this stupid vid even without knowing any context, but I also instantly liked this character. I didn't even know his name yet, but the voice acting and long yapping about philosophy already pulled me in XD (Also unironically, this video is precisely how I give relationship advice fhfhdds)

9) Does this character remind you of anyone you know? Does that affect how you see them?

Yeah, I know this person. I know them very well. I know them more than anyone else. Someone who was misguided (by their destructive influence mentor figure, by their own foolishness and past history, or combination of both, who can tell anymore?) into committing awful things, then despaired over their sins and attempted redemption but also failed in some way? This person is me. At some point I've found myself in front of horrible truth about my past life and personality, and knew I was guilty and sullied forever. That it was over for me as a human being, but that didn't matter, and I could only keep people safe by locking myself away and trying to serve something better.

......annnnd it took a few years of more informed people to (metaphorically) shake me and slap my face into lucidity, explaining to me that I've fallen for the "BPD demonization" that was going far beyond than my individual failure as a friend, and we are always accused of abuse and causing irreversible harm when the worst we do is being emotionally overbearing. I kept losing trust to those friends, telling them that they were enablers who tried to gaslight me into thinking I was not 'that much of a monster', until it was other people with BPD who 'shook me and slapped my face into lucidity'. xd Nonetheless, even though now I know the truth about how society treats BPDs, I remember the feeling of being so monstrous and harmful that I was not even allowed to "touch" people with my dirty hands, how my reality used to be. So, I could write Maria going through this effortlessly, especially considering what she did was more plain and tangible!

In fact... thank you for asking me about this, because I kept wondering why I had such frequent dreams about being Maria, and why the Maria in my dreams acts like abused child that took back control against Gehrman despite my portrayal of the guy being so different. And now the puzzle is solved! That part of me still lives inside, it seems.

11) How did you “fall in love” with this character?

Already answered this for Micolash here: ( x )! As for Aldrich, it was through properly analysing the bigger picture and context of his actions. I've figured that his madness was, in fact, being informed on what was far too ahead of everyone else around him! He, like the rest of the cast, is trapped in the rotting, doomed world in which the only choices are 1) "die with dignity" or 2) commit something unthinkable from moral standpoint for a chance to escape. And will morality of the rotting world will matter in the new world anyways? Won't it all be left behind and be forgiven?

The guy also tried to take everyone else he could with him, like sort of a fucked up Noah's Arc! I can tell that they reused the concept with Rykard, at least, I am glad they know what works xD I'd say that the sadism he experienced upon eating people was either result of insanity (he understood a thing no one should understand), or still didn't exclude the bigger purpose (egotistically revelling in how holy he is helping everyone and doing what no one else dared, which would be like my Laurence). In any case, I have the strongest respect to the courage it takes to transcend the bonds of morality and compassion in order to to greater good. Being burdened with the knowledge of how the world really works, and choosing to push through instead of still being bound... This is why I also like Fauxsefka; learning how this world works, she chose to turn people into Kin so they can't ever become beasts. I am weak for this trope, you don't understand.

24) Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.

Laurence appears in my dreams only in two contexts: 1) Micolaurence or 2) dreams about finding secret files in Bloodborne that reveal his canonical appearance before beasthood! I can tell the latter comes from my everlasting unsatisfaction with my design for him, because I love it but it doesn't feel "fitting" and I can't identify why!

The former, I think, fandom rubbing onto me x) In two of these dreams, I was Laurence. In other two, I was Micolash. In one of Laurence dreams it was mutual, in the second one I was in love unrequited. In one of Micolash dreams, it was mutual, and in another it was not.. Basically, my dreams allows me to experience this ship from every possible angle. o_o Waiting for more I guess fhhdfsfd

______________

Thank you for asking! And.. without exaggeration, you've just done quite a psychological work on me by just asking the right thing. I need to think about that, hahaha

#bloodborne #dark souls 3 #aldrich devourer of gods #laurence the first vicar #soulsborne #ask replies #personal #memories #dreams #honestly I remember Maria in my dreams hiding in the closet like an abused bullied child.. that big strong woman reduced to this #and I finally know why it was this way #I'd rather not sully Gehrman with something as dirty as my stepdad of course he deserves so much more and he is his own man #I just don't like the approach of turning characters with their own stories and personality into vessels for my trauma #it feels like frenzied flame: you got infected by it and you have unending need to spread it. to scorch the world in your pain.#I don't think this approach would help my healing but instead make me feel worse by nourishing the trauma #I am keeping it sealed away from the world forever now </3 #see this is why it hurts me so much when gehrman haters accuse me of being insensitive to people that want to project their negative-#-experiences with men and misogyny onto him even if that means twisting the actual story and character. I do have a reason to do it myself #I just choose not to because I personally dislike the idea of making fandomry about myself more and about source material less #I don't want to bring the pain and horrors inside me into something that doesn't have them. some things can stay clean!#the passive aggression between canon worshippers and fanon enforcers is something that cannot be avoided in the fandoms #and I disapprove of the lie about 100% peace and mutual respect between the 'camps'. we will never FULLY like each other #each thinks their approach is more productive for the community. and that's fine!

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mihai-florescu · 2 years ago

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Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

Hello and welcome to watchmojo where today we will be ranking my favorite fictional characters.

Before we start, honorable mentions to Nobimaru, Reigen Arataka, Noah Czerney, half the cast of enstars, and so on and so forth.

10. Hamlet

Most of the list is going to have anime characters but I can't imagine a top 10 list without my original literary blorbo. We studied Hamlet in my first year of highschool, my teacher asked in front of the whole class whether we know which one of us suffers of Hamlet's tragic flaw, then pointed to me and proceeded to dismiss us for the day. How is one supposed to move on from that? I only hope I have managed to change whatever fate she implied I'd meet. But, besides that, I actually did really enjoy the play and the character even before this incident.

9. Kaoru Sakurayashiki from Sk8 the Infinity

I've said it before, but how painful is it to have one of your favorite characters be from a seasonal 12 episode sports anime... he's not even the protagonist. I just like seeing characters who appear analytical and driven by logic with low emotional intelligence make very emotional decisions. Using the logical persona more like a shield, especially if their feelings have been hurt in the past. And, well, That's Cherry. The Joe-Cherry-Adam plotline will always be so dear to me. Kaoru who kept the grudge born out of a lack of proper closure for years. Kaoru who wanted to believe things could maybe go back to how they were. Kaoru who was snapped to reality so, so violently. He's just so dear to me.

8.Victor Vale from Vicious

It's not that before I read Vicious I didn't know what morally gray protagonists were, but this is the book that really made me realise just how much I actually enjoy reading about such characters. I like how Victor (and Eli, but I've always been a Victor girl) walk the line between hero and villain, how Victor, seen as the villain, may kill but only with a reason, whereas Eli, the hero, is killing out of the conviction that EOs shouldn't exist when he himself is one. We are foils of each other, we are separated by different ideological beliefs, youre the only one who can kill me, im the only one who knows you, and so on and so forth.

But beyond his rivalry with Eli, Victor's found family of criminals, necromancer and resurected dog is so dear to me. He even dies and comes back wrong countless times. How is he not a popular tumblr blorbo already...

7. Takahashi Yotasuke from Blue Period

Blue Period has a lot of compelling characters but Yotasuke's story in particular is the dearest to me, followed by Hashida and Maki. As for what I like about Yotasuke... The way our first introduction to him is as the tehnically skilled prodigy, but soon enough learn that he doesn't have much going on in life besides that. The way his mom's assumptions of his life ended up controlling it. The way Yotasuke never really had any choice besides art. And the irony in the fact that art was all he ever had and, in the end, it wasn't why he got admitted into university, but because of his high academic exam scores. And the way he finally starts becoming his own person in university, makes actual bonds, starts choosing things for himself. I wish we had even more chapters about him but I also understand the value in seeing perspectives on life and art from a wide variety of characters in the cast.

6. Daiba Nana from Revue Starlight

The stage girl that got me into Revue Starlight herself babyy. Her fear of the future and refusal to move on, her wanting to repeat the same pleasant but unchallenging year over and over and over again. The same stage repeated with no divergences cannot continue to be captivating, yet the familiarity of the scene is preferable to losing it completely, to it becoming just a memory. What Nana had to learn was that Starlight is the only play the 99th class will do, but there is value in seeing it shift and change throughout their years together as they also grow and mature.

I initially found it funny that she was on the villains wiki since that's why i decided to start the anime to begin with, but after i watched the show and films, I can't help but think that people who honestly believe she's a villain kind of miss the point. She takes on the role of antagonist opposing the natural flow of time, sure, but she's not a villain.

5. Aoba Tsumugi from Ensemble Stars

Sometimes I'll call both Nana and Tsumugi my Jokers, so you know he had to make the list as well. As for why I like him... I'm intrigued by his utilitarian outlook on life, his ability to make himeslf believe in things, even if they're not real, to serve his purpose, and of course, his clumsy girl charm. I like seeing him make up for the pain he has took part in causing during the war. And I like hearing about his home life, it makes me insaaane whenever mrs Aoba or his brother get brought up... Overall, while he himself might not think so, he is indispensable to the story, to the war, but more importantly to what follows the war.

4. Sunohara Momose & 3. Orikasa Yukito from Idolish7

Well, here's the thing, Momo and Yuki's stories are so entwined that you can't talk about one without the other, so I will write my thoughts about both of them here. Momo is the sports anime protagonist whose career was stopped before it could even start as a result of an injury during a game, who then turned to his sister's favorite idols Re:Vale for comfort, at her recommendation. He was there at their important concerts as a follower and defender, and he was there to witness when Ban had the light fall on him. Without Momo's daily pleas, without him joining Re:Vale, Yuki wouldn't have continued being an idol. But while Yuki starts to feel better, to love both Momo and their work, Momo is haunted by the promise he made in those desperate attempts to pick Yuki up: they will not have to be partners for longer than Yuki and Ban were. Even after they find Ban and Yuki makes Momo realise he would never want another partner at this point, they're both so stubborn and ready to sacrifice themselves for the other that they're still not fully on the same page. I like the other arcs in Idolish7 but Re:Vale are what elevate it to my favorite anime of all time. There was a period in my life when I would read the Re:member manga almost daily just because I love Yuki and Momo so much.

2. Hibiki Wataru & 1. Tenshouin Eichi from Ensemble Stars

I will lump these 2 together as well, not because I don't think they're complete characters on their own, but because they defined what the story of Ensemble Stars is. To me, at least, they're the most important pillars, the foundation even, if you will. At the end of the day, enstars is a story about humanity with its multitude of complex facets, and love (learning to love and be loved). Wataru and Eichi just portray the themes of the story in the most interesting ways. Eichi playing the protagonist in his and Keito's revolution turned war story, Wataru and the other eccentrics playing the villains. That story ends with the protagonist emerging victorious, as all stories do. But it was such a rushed, not well written story that it is not satisfying for anyone involved. So, with Natsume's dream pipe of a plan, Wataru asks Eichi to write a sequel with a happy ending. That's the base for everything past the Yumenosaki war. Wataru stays by Eichi's side to see the plan through, and in the process they happen to actually grow to appreciate deeply and even love each other. Even after the original story finishes, they continue to walk together into the new era. I will Eichi here: I wonder if that's what society calls love... I just adore seeing their story unfold, and I'm nervous for what the future holds for them...

#thanks for asking i didnt want to make it too long tho #ask #elaine2895

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em0tionl0rd · 1 year ago

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Dear friends,

For anyone who has been a long-time follower or hasn't heard from me in a long time, years even, or has ever wondered/worried about me, this is for you:

The past few years have folded over like an accordion for me. A lot of horrible/terrible things have happened. And my memory is no longer what it used to be. My mind seems to naturally cope with trauma and any negative interactions by locking them away deep within it's confines. Despite this, I always try to stay positive, because I know nobody likes to hear about bad things because it only makes them feel bad. Worse, they feel bad for me, and I don't need need people's sympathy. I just need time to heal, and that's what I have been doing; Taking my time. Previous post on the matter.

It was just One thing after Another, for Years, and my mind's trauma response was to simply cope and continue to endure helplessly instead of push myself away from the situation I was in. You can really see this with my lack of activity on here through my Archive. (not including my art side-blog since I tend to just mass dump whatever art and doodles I've accumulated over there). I was active on Twitter for a bit during Tumblrs downturn, but then Twitter changed. I nuked my art account over there. It's empty. All the posts I made to nobody about my characters and headworld, gone. All because I didn't want my art and ideas stolen and used for Al training.

My main Twitter remains active. I just use it to reblog art now and casually tweet about stuff. Initially I used Twitter to follow content creators, but as my timeline got cluttered, I made alts to follow specific topics. I started using my main to follow news and current issues, and my art account to follow artists and content creators, which I still do, but I retweet to my main only. Then all my art likes stay on my art account and don't comingle with political issues.

I was going to work, and while I would work, I just kept thinking, non-stop. Thinking about all the bad things. Failing to distract myself with my own characters and my story universe. Unintentionally over-sharing with coworkers because at some point in my life I learned how to cope with my anxiety by talking, and talking, and talking.. Unintentionally forming bonds with people I should have never associated with because I felt so desperate for real human interaction other than what I imagined in my head. Something other than my daemons, my conscience, my delusions. The swirling thoughts, the nightmares, the dreams that haunted me just as much as my reality.

Every week, for years, I was experiencing these nightmares. Something would manifest in my room. I could sense it was there. I couldn't escape it. Even if I went to bed and tried my best not to think about it, it would get me. It enjoyed tormenting me.

I started to stay up later and later, fearing laying bed and being prone to this unseen entity. Hoping that depriving myself of sleep would help me fall asleep faster and whisk me away to the sanctity of dreams, but even then, I wasn't safe. If I ever overslept, or didn't do enough to make myself tired before bed, it would find me. If it was merely psychosis, I couldn't tell, because it felt so real.

Eventually, after everything I went through with my ex, things changed for the better, when it came to sleep at least. There was no longer a shadowy presence standing there, grinning at me feet from my bed, or watching me at my desk, waiting for me to go to bed. Instead, there were actual hallucinations. Sleep depravation had taken it's toll on me. My ex had kept me awake many, many nights during my workweek, and forced me to drink with him, or made noise that kept me awake because he would stay up all night.

I distinctly remember watching these long brown withered fingers reaching out of the utility closet in the bedroom while we were both sleeping, and shaking the door violently as if it were trying to get out/in. My eyes were open just enough while I was asleep for this to fully wake me up and scare me. I remember turning over to my ex whimpering and he didn't even care..

Then when he was finally gone (for good), I continued to hallucinate. I had gotten into such a habit of staying up, on top of my uncomfortable sleeping situation due to work related physical pain (among other things), that I started seeing full-body characters dancing in my doorframe. This was completely new to me because before, it was less of a visual hallucination and more like THERE IS A GHOST RIGHT THERE, and now it was more like my eyes were legit not working properly. I just remember staring at my door and seeing all the Digimon characters, full color and everything, dancing and moving around like my eyes were projecting a perfect recreation of them.

I noticed in the past that if I binged a certain amount of content, my eyes would start generating new versions of what I was looking at whenever I closed my eyes. Like my brain could take all this information and create something completely unique and original, which amazed me. For example, whenever I would browse Deviantart and look at character designs or dragons or something, I would close my eyes and every time I closed my eyes I would see a completely new and unique fleshed out design in full color. The downside was that they were usually too detailed for me to do justice in drawing.

I also just see ever-changing generic psychedelic patterns and colorful concentric waves at the edges of my vision. The only time I ever see these properly with my eyes fully open is if I'm staring at the ceiling or the grass or if I press my arm against my eyes. Then there was the one time I was flying out of LA and had taken a 1g thc tab while sleep deprived and noticed a little blob of rainbows in the plane window after take-off. (my ex pushed alcohol and weed on me really hard despite me not wanting anything to do with it bc i don't need it)

So anyway, I had binge watched Digimon Adventure and was now seeing all of the characters in my bedroom door. That was a new one for me. Before I would just stare at the cottage cheese patterned ceiling and try to make out characters in the bumps. I did this my whole life as I had the same ceiling as a kid at my childhood home.

I went back and watched Digimon because I never really got to watch it as a kid and had vague memories of it being overly-dramatic (I was like maybe 4-5) and My Gosh that show goes hard for a kids show. Completely unrelated to my rambling but I wish more kids shows were comfortable tackling such hard-hitting issues, my gosh. Modern media is too soft and probably sets a bad example of reality. (my dad let me watch gory horror movies, rated r flicks, and explicit 90s anime as a kid so who am i to talk)

Before my ex and around the time the nightmares started, I started having surreal auditory hallucinations while half awake. I remember waking up to a small black geometric object floating above my face with blue lines running across it's surface. I was in the thralls of sleep paralysis and felt like it was just floating there above my face watching me. Another time, while my niece was over, I remember hearing something at the top of my stairs, clawing at the carpet and growling at me. For context, I was living in my mom's attic. It was relatively small, with low ceiling, and carpeted.

This thing that was growling at me and snarling genuinely worried me because my niece started developing very strange behavioral issues around this time, but I won't get into that here. I don't think people want to hear my supernatural/paranormal psychology ramblings. I'm just happy that after talking to my mom about it my niece is getting some much needed help. I was so worried that I remember breaking down and crying over it at work.

I felt like something was attached to my niece, and that thing was sort of a manifestation of that that only I could hear while I was half awake. Before it climbed the stairs and started growling, I distictly remember hearing it mimicking my nieces laughter (she was just a baby). And the way it dug it's claws into the carpet and growled, this guttural snarl, I couldn't tell what it was. It felt inhuman.

Around this time, because I was so isolated, and generally miserable, all the research I had been doing into various paranormal and metaphysical phenomena had taken a detrimental toll on my mental health. As you can clearly tell from all of this rambling about things unseen. I started believing that lizard people were real and lived on Saturn. Yes, because I read it on someone's blog. And because of that, I started to be attacked in my sleep by what I can only describe as something reptilian in nature. It somehow had the ability to appear before me and put me into sleep paralysis, pick me up, and send me to the shadow realm (or at least that's what it felt like) where it would claw and bite and do unspeakable things to me while I was unable to move or fight back or even scream.

These experiences carried over after my mom kicked me out. They followed me to my apartment, and they stuck with me for a majority of the time I was with my ex. Part of me really hoped that living with a real living breathing human being would help me out of my psychosis, but that was kind of hard given that he was an actual sociopath and psycho himself. I had no grounding in reality other than work. Work started feeling like an escape. And talking with coworkers even more-so.

For context, my mom did nothing to help. Both of my parents have mental health issues, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm saving that for my biography. My mom kicked me out because the internship program she forced me into in 2018-2019 didn't get me employed right away, so I ended up living with a social worker for a short while who was also a pet foster. It was a bit chaotic with all the animals but I was able to get a job and my own place and get away from my mom which was good. Also my mom was drinking when she decided to come upstairs and lecture me (again) for 2+ hours about how useless I was.

As you can tell, there was already plenty of fuel on the fire for my mental health issues to spiral out of control. I started to neglect my art, my characters, my story, my wellbeing. Yet I somehow managed to keep it together, for the most part. Enough to be employable and push myself to socialize more at work and be personable and friendly. It helps to be overly self-conscious of how I come off to people due to being bullied throughout HS for being "weird"..

I felt like I peaked in 2014-2015 while I was still in Highschool and spent most of my time outside of school hanging out with friends in Minecraft servers. I was having so much fun despite my circumstances, but then the balance shifted in a really bad direction. At one point I was even living with my grandma in an even worse situation back in 2017 just because I was that desperate to get away from my mom.

While in my internship program I realized how freeing it was to be out in the city during the day while taking the bus to work. I was far away from home back in that small farm town and got to spend time at the mall every day which was cool. I got to see the city in fall and winter and it translated well into living on my own bc I had already familiarized myself with the bus routes enough to continue using them when I got another job. I also used them when I was with my ex to get out. Other than that I biked to work. More on that later.

And during my downtime in this program I spent so much time drawing. It was like being back in class in Highschool and sitting at my desk and doodling while the teacher was talking. (it was literally the same) Other than that, I spent most of my time on my laptop doing whatever I could to distract myself from my current situation out of habit. I'd draw digitally, but I struggled to motivate myself to do anything useful with it.

For a long time I relied on Youtube and social media as an escape and a distraction from my problems. Frequently venting to friends online. Paragraph after paragraph. Driving them crazy. Even driving people away. I just didn't know what to do because I felt so helpless. I even became active in the local metaphysical community. I took classes and became a certified psychic (not kidding). I met and attended classes with a paranormal psychologist. And I hung out with a wizard. (RIP)

Needless to say, I think metaphysics and spirituality are bunk at this point. I only see value in maybe paranormal psychology, because at the end of the day, it is literally all in our heads, even if our heads are literally a window into another world sometimes (even if said other world is just dreams and imagination). Taking a huge step back from my interest in the paranormal genuinely helped me heal and become better about handling myself, where I was no longer letting illusory entities harass me in my sleep.

I remember sitting in bed that fateful night and just saying in my head to myself, "This is all in my head and I am the one in control". Then I never got attacked again. Something I didn't mention throughout this whole spiel was that I had an imaginary friend and I frequently imagined myself doing the dirty with said imaginary friend (who is also a character of mine). The "attacks" were simply an escalation of all the kinky shit in my head and all the bullshit alien conspiracies I had been immersing myself in. I had let myself get to a point where I genuinely believed that something else was controlling me outside of myself. Very not mentally healthy if you ask me.

Near the end I remember having to make sure my bedroom door and closet doors were closed, and to cover my eyes and ears with something just to prevent them from playing tricks on me while I slept.

Anyways, lucid dreams, daydreams, OBEs, and sleep paralysis had become normalized to me at a young age. I frequently dreamed about flying and imagining characters in my head. It genuinely became an escape and coping mechanism for me, especially with the creation of an imaginary friend as a teenager because I struggled to make real meaningful friends. Changing schools several times didn't help that of course. I still experience these things and still enjoy them but don't take them as seriously anymore, but they're still fun, even addicting at times. I feel like the human mind is an endlessly deep pool that continues to amaze me at times.

As for my ex boyfriend, god.. It was like dating Murdoc irl, but somehow worse, and sadder. I wanted that Stockholm Syndrome abusive boyfriend relationship sooo badly. Like I felt I needed to be punished for being such an outcast. He Almost killed me. Aside from the few bicycle accidents on the way to work, I think what he did will leave me limping and struggling to walk for the rest of my life.

Also fuck the creep I met at my last job. Holy shit, now that guy was Literally insane. I genuinely hope his kid will be okay. (why the fuck does he have a child holy shit)

Lastly, I am doing better. At least I think I am. It's hard to tell. I'm just happy to be drawing again and enjoying it. After all the BS I went through over the past few years, I actually got pretty rusty so a lot of what I'm drawing might get dumped on my art blog, but in the meantime, I'm just happy I'm posting art and people are enjoying it as much as I do. I haven't felt this stable about my art in a long time. Getting out of that apartment and away from the city and all of those negative memories weighing me down was a huge step in the right direction.

If you read all of this for whatever reason, good for you. Have a gold star. Lemme know if you would read my biography. I have plenty more fucked up stories where these came from, and this is just incoherent rambling that skips most of the awful details.

#words words words #sadz talks

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freezethebeez · 2 years ago

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Not to get all sappy on New Year's Eve, but after replying to a couple Catalyst comments, I've decided to give a public thanks rather than one contained within a comment thread.

Catalyst has been just as of much of an experience for me as it has for you, the Catalyst Enjoyers (as I've dubbed you, and as I refer to you to my irl's)— if not more.

Syzygy was my first multi-chapter fic, as well as the longest thing I had ever written before Catalyst. It clocks in at 43k words spanning over the course of 6 chapters, and was written during my summer holiday. There wasn't much engagement with the readers during the Syzygy experience. I would respond to the comments, of course, but that's all I got. No fanart, no world analysis, no asks, nothing (absolute no shade to the Syzygy enjoyers. They are my little guys. My skrimblos. My day 1's).

Comparing it to the Catalyst experience, it feels almost sad. It feels as if I've built a small community with Catalyst— one with talented artists and talented writers— and just having this little community feels so freaking cool. It's everything I ever wanted as a fanfic author and more.

When I started writing fanfic 6 (nearing 7) years ago, interacting with my readers and seeing them create ideas and works of their own based off my writing was always my dream.

You have made that dream a reality, and I thank you all endlessly for it.

The Catalyst experience has genuinely been wild for me in the best ways possible. I was temporarily living with one of my friends when I started writing it— in fact, he even helped me choose the title 'Catalyst'— and to this day, whenever I see him, he asks me how Catalyst is going and reminds me of my humble beginnings— my first comments, my first fanart, all of it.

Catalyst has evolved substantially within its lifetime, starting at a projected finish date of sometime in early September, then late November, and now hopefully sometime within 2023. It's been so interesting to reminisce on the past evolutions and look at it where the story is now— which I can say I'm actually proud of.

Catalyst is more than just my silly little summer writing project now. It's an experience that I've been able to share with all of you, and one that would certainly not be the same without you. Seriously, I can't imagine Catalyst without the enjoyers.

It's just been fun for me, and hopefully fun for you. Seeing the reblogs on the Catalyst link chain tagged with "#catalyst saturday" never fails to make me smile. Every notification I receive telling me that I've been sent an ask makes me jump a little with excitement, and every piece of artwork (whether it be in the form of visual art or writing) sends me over the moon.

You guys are cool, and I appreciate your continuous support throughout this year. Thank you for sticking with me through all these Saturdays, and I look forward to your support in the future.

Also, to anyone who's made it this far, here, take this paragraph from chapter 19 (don't read if you don't want spoilers heehee hoo):

They don’t speak to one another— not with words, at least. There are some shared, knowing looks, sharp exhales through the nose, and fond smiles. And then there’s pinkies linking together in the miniscule gap between them, and Tubbo feels like the dumb teenager he is, fumbling through this weird world of relationships that are more than platonic but less than romantic, trying to find the acceptable middle ground that may or may not exist. He laughs to himself a bit— because this really is kind of stupid, I mean, for all the time Tubbo spends thinking about what it would be like to kiss the guy, you’d think Tubbo would have at least tried to ask. But no, he’s still struggling to hold Ranboo’s hand like they used to, and he thinks that getting back to where they once were might involve a few baby steps, too.

Again, thank you all <3

Sincerely,

freezethebeez

(no bees harmed in the process. beez, not bees. do not freeze bees please)

#yeah yeah getting sappy on nye BIG SURPRISE #i'm not a super sappy person tbh but i felt the need to remind you all now cool you are and how cool you've made my year #catalyst has genuinely been the highlight of 2022 for me and i can't imagine this yesr without it. and without you #because without you catalyst would not be catalyst

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unseededtoast · 1 year ago

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Antedate | Bucky Barnes

Part 8/13 | Part Seven, Part Nine

Summary: Sometimes making the right decision feels like the wrong one. That decision can stick with you for years and leave you wondering what would happen if you had chosen something else. But the alternatives likely lead to a much darker path; you'll never know for sure though. One thing is for certain, the decisions I have made will have lasting consequences.

Prequel to Rectify

Series Warnings: Discussion of human trafficking, physical and mental abuse, mention and description of death

a/n: Hi everyone, thank you for checking this out, I appreciate any and all support! This series is also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad if you prefer those formats/platforms! This is a completed series, and it's going to take some time for me to transfer it to Tumblr, so please bear with me!

"We need them to feel secure, it's the only way we'll be able to pull this off."

I rub my eyes and close the cover of the heavy book in front of me. I look at the watch on my wrist and see I'm late for the dinner tonight. Hurriedly, I rush through the halls, fixing my hair as I go. I know neither my father nor Dane are going to be too delighted with my tardiness. As I near the dining room I slow my pace and gain some composure.

I round the corner and see my father, Dane, and two other men standing around talking. I don't know who they are, I just know they're important enough to have a private dinner with us tonight. I plaster a smile on my face and extend my hand to greet the two of them.

"Here she is, as I was saying this is my daughter, Adalyn." I can sense the tension in my father's voice but I ignore him as I welcome our guests.

"It was well worth the wait to meet you, miss Averina." One of the men say with a smile. I can tell I already don't like either of them, but that's nothing new. I rarely ever like anyone in this place.

We all walk into the room and take our seats at the table, my father sitting at the head. There are finely dressed agents who come and serve us water. I place the napkin on the table in my lap and wait for the others to start conversation. I'm here just for formality purposes, I'm not supposed to talk unless I'm spoken to.

The men talk about trivial things to fill the air before they get down to business. I have a feeling I know what this meeting is about but I don't understand why it's being made into such a production. We've done hundreds, if not thousands, of contracts over the past three years.

The agents come and serve the meal to us, which looks to be chicken, vegetables, and a baked potato. I've definitely had worse before. I wait for the others to begin eating before I do, again, just as a formality thing.

The past three years have allowed me to perfect the art of seeming like I'm paying attention. In reality, my mind is wandering off elsewhere. My life has devolved into going on contract missions, taking care of the Soldier, and trying to avoid Dane as much as I possibly can. Thankfully, my father never actually forced me to go through with a legitimate marriage to Dane. But, I am of age now and am nervous to see if it gets brought up.

I've spent a majority of the free time I have in the Soldier's room, studying and reading books. That room is the only true safe haven I have in this place, Dane never comes into the Soldier's room. I've mainly read about and studied the human mind, it's really fascinating when I'm not being pressured to learn it.

"How was your day today, darling?" Dane speaks in a false cheerful tone. I snap back to reality and smile smally, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear.

"It was interesting. I did a lot of studying today." I keep my answer short and sweet. My father nods his head,

"My daughter here is a prodigy. She's always had a talent for understanding the mind. She's the mastermind behind the Winter Soldier." I'm slightly surprised to hear my father giving me credit. Although, by complimenting me, he's also complimenting himself in a way. The guests smile,

"That's amazing. We heard rumors a few years ago about the Soldier, it's a pleasure to meet the mind behind the weapon." I smile and nod, but feel the fire run through my veins. He is not a weapon.

"Speaking of the Soldier, should we get to business?" My father dives into the contract. I zone out and take small bites of the food in front of me.

The men speak for what feels like an eternity, discussing the most intricate details. This must be quite the contract. I tune back into their conversation and try to catch up on what I missed. I hear them talk about multiple targets. The most we've ever taken on is four targets at a time, after that it gets difficult to manage the scene and make sure there are no witnesses left.

"I think we can make that happen. We just need to get one or two of our men in there to set up cameras. We need to know that they'll be there just as you say." My father laces his fingers together on the table. The two guests nod their head.

"Rest assured that they will be there. They always travel with the leader." I look between the four men at the table. I see my father's face break out into a smile and he extends his hand to one of them men.

"We can do it. Allow my daughter to show you the asset." My eyebrows draw close together. We never show clients the Soldier.

"Show them the Soldier?" I question. Both Dane and my father give me a stern look. I just nod my head and go with it.

"Of course. Right this way gentlemen." I speak and rise from the table. The two men follow me out of the room and I lead them down the halls. This all seems very odd to me. I make small talk with them to try and get more information.

"So, where are you two handsome men from?" I ask.

"We are from another organization with similar interests to Hydra." Is all the answer I get. My father must have some ulterior motive to all of this. I nod my head

"I see. Well, rest assured that we will be able to take care of your issues." I say and we walk the rest of the way in silence. I open the door to the Soldier and we all step in. I will not be getting him out of cryogenesis, they will have to settle for seeing him in the chamber.

The men take turns looking into the chamber where the Soldier waits to be activated. I see the two of them look at each other, and I can tell there's something there, there's something they aren't saying. They quickly turn their attention to me and smile,

"He is everything we've heard of." I usher them out of the room as they speak, feeling uneasy about them.

"He is the most elite and efficient in the world." I say and lock the door behind us all. I take them back to my father, who has Dane escort them out of the base. Once the three of them are gone I turn to my father.

"Who are they?" I ask. My father scoffs with a smirk on his face.

"They are two fools. They are from another organization, quite small, that is infringing on some of Hydra's territory in the southern region. Not only are we going to take out the targets they specified, but we're taking them out too. I've already received their payment." I nod, that makes more sense. My father lulled them into a false sense of safety, they'll never see it coming. He's only acting in the interest of his own power.

"I see, how many targets in total?" I ask. My father drinks the rest of the water in his glass and sets it on the table heavily.

"Eight." My eyebrows shoot up.

"That's double what we've done." I say. My father's face grows darker and he walks towards me. His temper is so short these days, the least little things sets him off.

"You are in no position to question me, girl. You've got some nerve, that's for sure. Showing up late, questioning me. You're despicable. You are to make sure the asset stays in tip top shape and follow my command. You need to learn your place." He says and spits at my feet. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from saying or doing anything further.

Without another word, I turn on my heel and leave the room, going back to my own. I hope and pray that Dane doesn't make an appearance tonight. It's never a good thing when he comes to my room.

I put my shoes by the door and sit in my old chair. Some of the springs are starting to poke through the upholstery, but I refuse to get rid of it. I think about the contract my father just set up. I know the Soldier can handle eight targets, but I worry that my father is beginning to lose his mind. It's going to be difficult to keep our cover with that many targets. He's become so consumed with power in the past few years, I feel as if Dane sometimes grows tired of him. However, Dane has grown into more of a monster himself as well.

Speaking of the devil, my door opens and in steps Dane. I stare at him with a blank expression. I know what's coming. He motions for me to join him and I sit on the edge of the bed next to him. I stare at my hands in my lap, trying to dissociate from reality.

"You know, you shouldn't have questioned your father in there, about showing them the Soldier." He says, but I'm only half paying attention. He turns his body towards mine and I look up into his eyes.

"Why's that?" I ask.

"Because if they sense something is wrong they'll back out of the deal. We need them to feel secure, it's the only way we'll be able to pull this off." He says and I nod, faking being interested.

"It'll work out, don't worry." I say in a bored tone. Dane sits in silence for a few moments. I see him clench and unclench his fists a few times before he abruptly stands from the bed. I flinch back slightly, not expecting his outburst.

"I am getting so sick and tired of your attitude lately. You have no respect anymore. Do you forget that you belong to me?" He says and leans in close to my face. I blink a few times. Dane puts a hand around my throat and starts squeezing it, making it so that I can't breathe.

I try to pry his hand off my throat, but he only tightens his grip. His eyes are almost black with anger. I start seeing spots in my peripheral vision and feel Dane's other hand start exploring my body. I try to fight him off, but he's far too strong. He's never fully choked me out before, not yet at least.

I gasp and choke for air as I feel him start to forcefully undress me. With the little bit of strength I have left, I try to fight him off but I know it's no use. My eyes grow heavier and heavier, and my vision fades to black. I'm at his will fully and completely.

I blink my eyes open and look around the room. My throat burns with each breath and I touch my throat, recalling what Dane did to me. I look over myself and notice that I'm not dressed the way I was when I came to my room. I tumble out of the bed and throw up into the trashcan next to my vanity. He's never taken things this far, this is a whole new extreme.

I wipe my mouth and see him sleeping in my bed. Fire runs through my veins as I look at him, sleeping as if he hadn't just choked me out and violated me. I've grown used to him violating my body, but never has he inflicted this much physical damage.

With seething rage flowing through my body, I make my way to the Soldier's room, the one place I know I'll be safe. I sit in the chair in front of the desk and rest my head on the cool wood. I'm growing evermore tired of the abuse as the days pass by, but I can't bring myself to leave the Soldier. I'm the only one who looks out for him here. I'm the only one who knows how he works.

I raise my head off the desk as an idea comes to me. It might not be the best idea I've ever had, but it might just work.

#bucky barnes x oc #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky #hydra #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fic #james buchanan barnes #marvel #the winter soldier #winter soldier #bucky barnes angst

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roseofcards90 · 1 year ago

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THANK U OSCAR!!! @fairyprince <333

Kotoko Yuzuriha - Milgram. Literally one of my faves in the cast, I just love how there's so many layers to her? Even though we don't know her full story yet (as of me typing this lol), I love the way Milgram writes their characters and how you can infer so much just from their mvs and behavior too. I also love characters who try their best and want to be good, but they end up making everything worse and doing the most harm out of their actions fkjdnkf something about that contrast is just so compelling to me. Kotoko is heavily flawed, but she's also genuine, she doesn't think much of herself in reality and just wants to be given a purpose and help people, but at the same time, she's isolating herself from others and hurting herself in the end which is just *head in hands* so tragic 😭

Vash the Stampede - Trigun. I haven't quite finished my og Trigun watch yet (as of me also typing this out), but I can tell you that from what I've seen of this guy so far that he'll probably become one of my absolute faves. I don't usually have a lot of male character blorbos, but the ones I do have end up being such faves of mine. I didn't want to skip out on him being on this list, so I still wanted to include him even if I don't know the entirety of his character yet. I think what also made me so intrigued by him is just how my previous expectations were completely subverted when I started watching Trigun. Like from seeing merch and fan art and stuff I thought this guy was some kind of asshole fuck boy LMAO 😭💀 and I’m glad I was wrong because he’s actually just one of the sweetest characters I’ve seen and wants to help people while being a pacifist. He hides behind his sadness with a smile and when characters do that I start crying for them so Vash immediately won as a blorbo in my heart because of his inherent kindness and compassion and how he sees the good in people.

Rin Tohsaka - Fate Stay Night. This will be a running trend with me and characters I end up liking lmao, but I love characters who seem distant and/or haughty on the surface, but in reality they've isolated themselves from others for one reason or another. Whether it be general self-loathing or complete and utter guilt from their past actions, characters who are contradictory in their words and actions are like crack to me lol. I know Rin's character is often overshadowed by the tsundere trope in both Fate and in the fandom, but I do like how there's a lot more hidden depths about her you can truly appreciate. Because underneath all that tsundere bs is a teenage girl trying to cope with her circumstances but like in the worst way possible lol. She loses her entire family and continues to isolate herself from other people just so she won't have to deal with parting from the people she loves again. She carries guilt over the fact that she couldn’t save her only remaining family member, her sister, out of the hell she was in that even just talking to her and pretending like they never even knew each other was tough. And you see this when she’s given the opportunity to hang out with people her age in the war. Even with people who she considers her “enemies”, she’s still quick to ally herself with Saber and Shirou, she’s bets against all odds to save her sister and finally break down those walls of isolation between them for years, admitting her true feelings and reconciling with her in Heaven’s Feel. Like it’s just so amazing to me idk lol. I think the writers themselves like to do her dirty but I do appreciate in the original fsn how she is written and all the hidden depths that come with her character.

Ciel - Tsukihime. This also leans into what I said about Rin before, but Ciel is pretty much the same way for me when it comes to characters dealing with self-loathing and guilt. She doesn’t think she deserves happiness because she killed everyone she knew and love when she was possessed by this vampire guy 😭 she can’t die to “make up” for it because she’s immortal due to being possessed, and that’s why she tries to dedicate herself to a cause where she has forced herself to shut out all her emotions and become cold and unrelenting when it comes to killing other vampires. And when she’s up against someone who will accept her regardless, that sees behind her facade and recognizes all the pain she’s carried for so long, she can’t go through with killing him. And in the end, she does find that happiness in wanting to live again and live a normal life after everything, and I sobbed like legit at the end of the Ciel route I was in a puddle of my own tears fr 😭 so yeah I love her a lot.

Wei Wuxian - MDZS. This gay ass twink is one of my faves not just because of his amazing black and red design, but also because of how much the narrative screws him over 😭 every worst possible thing happens to him, and he just fucking snaps. And it’s so satisfying to see and yet also just tragic because despite him having his dumbass moments and hiding behind a jokester front, Wei Wuxian is again, kind. Even when he goes off the deep end, he continues to take care of people and spare even the ones who had hurt him the most, including the man he loves, his nephew, etc. He loves his siblings, even if they were never related by blood, he loves them both to death, so much so that he brings about the ultimate sacrifice for his brother that becomes his enemy later on, and somehow manages to keep that a secret for like 13 years only so his brother didn’t find out about it and feel guilty for it. And idk characters like that who give so much of themselves? Who hide behind a front but they don’t take much pride in their image as they simply strive to be kind? Good shit fr

Shion Sonozaki - Higurashi. A fave of mine and an absolute classic, Shion means so much to me. I’ve already gushed about her before but seeing her break out of the cycle of abuse and finding her own happiness for herself. Her loving her twin sister Mion no matter what, her still playing the older sister role for her despite them switching — IT’S ABOUT OLDEST SIBLING ANGST ALRIGHT

Ange Ushiromiya - Umineko. Ange's whole character is another one that I relate to very heavily. The way she copes with her entire family’s death through retreating in her imagination and magic world is something I also did for a very long time, and she’s like one of the best examples of how grief can affect someone I’ve ever seen in media tbh. Also her trying to reach out to her brother Battler again really hit me personally as someone who also has an older brother. Anyways — IT’S ABOUT YOUNGEST SIBLING ANGST ALRIGHT

Lelouch vi Britannia - Code Geass. This show is one of my faves of all time. It is also a show that has a lot of flaws imo 😭 but one of the reasons why I love it so much is because of how Lelouch is as the protagonist of the show. Outwardly and on the surface, you’ll compare this guy to Light Yagami from Death Note, which is not an accurate comparison at all tbh. Because at his core, Lelouch is a guy who cares. He cares so much that he ends up having tunnel vision over what his loved ones want. He’ll destroy the whole world if it meant that it would be a more peaceful place for his sister to live in. And that’s also the thing, Lelouch is also selfish and full of resentment 😭 because of his past and how his father had treated him, you end up having a guy who’s pretty contradictory in what he says and what he ends up doing in his actions (and I love contradictory characters omg). Lelouch claims he runs on logic, but his initial goal at the start of the series is to get revenge on the family who hurt him and to make a more peaceful world for his sister, even if it meant being selfish and taking advantage of others. And that's what makes his development in season 2 much more impactful because he then learns to care for the whole world and take upon all the sins of himself and others for world peace, and if that's not badass af idk what is lol. I appreciate Lelouch simply because of how human he is at his core as a character.

Mae Borowski - Night in the Woods. So I pretty much played this game at like the perfect time lol. I just started college, and it was at the start of the pandemic pretty much. With a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts, Night in the Woods quickly became a game near and dear to my heart with its focus on nostalgia, childhood friends, and struggles with mental illness and portrayal of loneliness that is one of the best I've ever seen in a game ever. And that is exactly what made Mae so interesting and compelling to me simply because I related to her so much 😭 she clings to nostaglia like a lifeline, she struggles with finding meaning in the world, she's awkward with people and silly, and she tries so hard to bring herself out of the literal hole of meaninglessness she's stuck in. And it’s really just like “yeah girl I get it fr” 😭 I understand all of it and what you’re going through, so that’s why she’s my favorite trash mammal <3

Killua Zoldyck - Hunter x Hunter. Another old fave, his character arc is very compelling! Just seeing this kid break out of the cycle of abuse and him learning to be happy outside of his best friend Gon was just so good to watch 😭 like outside of the anime's universe and the craziness you see with other characters, you're really just reminded of how at the end of the day Killua is just a kid. He's a 12 yr old kid who deserves to have friends and have fun, he wants to protect the people he loves despite being raised to be a killer, and it was just so compelling to see his growth, like Killua from his debut episode and Killua at the end of the Election Arc are like two different people lmao that's how much he's grown as a character.

Tagging: @mastrender @lillyviarabbit @pinkie-satan @muninnhuginn @minty-muse @zerkwastaken @kuromikiss @ofthenoseclan @inferablossom @mindscapic-exposure

got tagged by @oceans-bluem and @celshii! 10 fandoms/10 characters/10 tags

fma (mangahood): roy mustang. yeah. the cringefail loser guy. love that weird codependent mutual satellite character death pact team rocket thing he and hawkeye have going on it's very worrying and also very sexy

orv: han suyeong. han suyeong. han suyeong. han suyeong. i can't think about her too long or i'll scream.

malevolent: arthur lester the saddest most pathetic-wet-cat guy ever. he has 5 tragic backstories i want to study him in a lab

tma: jon he makes me sad

aurora: erin ruunaser. [shakes him like a can of skittles until the dragon falls out of his brain] TELL ME YOUR LORE YOU CAGEY LITTLE NERD

star wars: ahsoka tano :) i haven't thought about her in a while but i love her. fun to draw. also the you-can't-go-back-home of it all. what do you mean she left her home and her family always intending to go back to them and then she turned around and they were gone. what do you mean. the live-action show is dead to me though hope this helps

osp: odysseus. yes i do mean specifically the osp version of him. he looks like solid snake

nevermore: lenore... she is so very gender and so very cool and i hope she enjoys her villain arc B)

doctor who: martha jones! she is cool and she deserved so much better and everyone who hates her is wrong. btw.

dracula: mina harker, THE train fiend!! the nerd ever. also the way she talks about herself in her post-oct-3 entries is so fucked up and sad

tagging @inkedmyths @fairyprince7 and anyone else who wants to do this!

#thank u again!!! sorry this was late fr 😭#I was trying not to make it super long with my character rambling lol #I still did but y’all ignore that omg 😭#@my mutual Mun I think you'll have a field day with this one lol #tag games

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morimakesfanart · 3 years ago

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Sindria's Prophet #17

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16]

[AO3]

*In this house we stan string theory and multiple dimension theory *Also, this chapter gets a little preachy, and delves more into my interpretation of the series so to make up for it I made a lot of art.

~POV Sinbad~ "If you're willing to talk about the future, does that mean you are finally ready to explain about those calamities you mentioned in Balbadd?" When Ja'far cut in he was in a rush; he didn't want to miss this chance. Sinbad had underestimated Ja'far's concerns; he had been too preoccupied with the Prophet. All the same, "I don't know if this is the time for that conversation. This is Mori's first meal with everyone after all." Wait. He knew that look. Ja'far wasn't actually asking to have that conversation now. He was pressuring Mori so she would have to agree to tell them soon. "I'm fine. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. As long as everyone else is willing to talk seriously for a few mins, I don't see the problem." Mori was wearing the same stern expression she had the morning of the coup in Balbadd. When Ja'far had cut in with his request he could have tried to sound a little nicer but it didn't warrant the cold response Mori gave in return. There had been rising tensions between Ja'far and Mori since Balbadd, but both seemed to get along most of the time. "Wait really? You're agreeing this easily?" Ja'far's shock also spoke for the King. She obviously didn't want to talk about the Calamities even when she promised to tell them, so why now? "A promise is a promise." Mori almost felt like a completely different person compared to the coy way she was teasing them all just moments ago. "Besides, this will just continue to be a point of contention until I explain."

--- King Sinbad was finally eating with his Generals and Prophet, but this was nothing like he had planned. Mori sat straight with both hands on the table interlocked. "The 1st of the 2 calamities occurs in about 2 years. As you know, there's a few countries that currently have rising tensions." Which countries? The Kou and Riem were prime contenders since they were already Empires causing trouble for other countries. There was also Magnostadt which has been becoming increasingly hostile to other nations, and seemed to be encroaching on the Kingdom of Actia. "In 2 years, 3 of them are going to go to war. A massive amount of black Rukh will be released, and the same type of magic used to make the Dark Djinns will be used to make a humanoid monster the size of a mountain." Of course, Al Thamen would be involved. "The amount of black Rukh it will have will make it a Medium for opening a black spot and letting Ill Ilah connect to the world which is Al Thamen's ultimate goal. Once Ill Ilah connects it will destroy all of the white Rukh in the world -bringing death." It sounded just like what Falon had described as her plan all those years ago. The same thing that happened in Parthevia a decade ago is going to happen again in only 2 years? "The Medium is destroyed before that can happen thanks to all of the current Metal Vessel users and assimilated Household Members coming together to destroy it. The world is saved but in the process one of the Magi will have to commit one of the ultimate taboos of this world. That taboo is what will eventually lead to the 2nd Calamity. If King Sinbad and the Metal Vessel users of the Seven Seas Alliance, which were the last to arrive, can show up sooner then that taboo and the 2nd Calamity might be something that can be fully avoided especially since I already know the Medium's weakness." It was clear that Mori knew more. Sinbad would have to talk to her about it later; he wasn't sure how much he wanted to talk about this tonight -they were supposed to be celebrating and getting to know each other light heartedly. However, there was one question he couldn't hold back from asking. "What is this taboo?” Mori sighed like she had expected that question. She looked to the ceiling. "Honestly, I didn't want to think it was a taboo when I first learned it, but after seeing what happens I get it now." She looked back at them. "I hope you can accept me not telling what it is. I don't want to even try to explain the 2nd Calamity because I'm not sure how without explaining the taboo. You see, the taboo involves information, so if I explain it to you I will be committing the taboo myself. I can only hope that the world isn't endangered because I know it." The air in the room felt thick. All of the Generals were waiting for his decision. Sinbad tried to read the Prophet's expression. It was serious, and determined; it seemed like fear and remorse were hiding right under the surface. What information could be dangerous on its own? "Alright," he agreed. "We don't want to take any unnecessary risks. However, if we are unable to prevent the taboo from being committed you will explain the 2nd Calamity." Mori attempted a half-hearted smile. "I was already planning to do that." She glanced around at the Generals. "Are there any other questions?" Sharrkan grumbled. "This is all really complicated stuff." "Yeah. Pretty scary, huh?" Pisti agreed. Drakon and Hinahoho were sharing a look while thinking.

"You still haven't told us where this is going to happen." Ja'far decided he would ask the next question. "Are you withholding that information on purpose?" Mori's expression was blank. "I'll tell you the countries involved after King Sinbad returns from the Kou Empire. I don't want to influence how the negotiation goes by giving him too much information he wouldn't normally have. I'm doing this for Balbadd..." Mori withholding vital information was the entire cause of Ja'far's distrust of her. "You took too long to tell us what was going to happen back in Balbadd, remember? If we know what their next target is then we can stop it before it ever happens." "The 1st Calamity has nothing to do with Al Thamen." "What?” that question was asked by all except the Prophet. Mori explained, "That country has refused contact with them and been building towards this for the past 10 years all on its own. All of the Black Rukh that has been accumulated there is like a trap waiting to be set off. The people currently in charge are not people who would be willing to accept change, or to listen to the arguments of the people here." That definitely narrowed it down. Riem was already having meetings with them, and it was only a matter of time before they formed an alliance. They already had the peace treaty with the Kou, and King Sinbad was about to go negotiate with them for Balbadd. That only left Magnostadt as the center of the conflict -the country they knew had increasing disparity between it's upper and lower classes. Mori was staring at him. He wasn't the one she was actually hiding this from. Since it didn't seem to be an avoidable Fate, she was preventing Yam from learning the Fate of her home country for as long as possible. Mori was trying to be considerate. "How is that possible?” "If they aren't behind it then how could such a thing happen??” Mori gave a sad smile. "It would be so much easier if all of the bad things in this world really were all caused by that organization. I had wrongly thought that was how this world works in the heat of the moment back in Balbadd, but I know better. I've read this world's Fate after all. Even in this world it is a mistake to hold onto the hope of total altruism too strongly." It almost felt like she was calling them all naïve with that last statement. She looked down at her hands. "Sentience, experience and free will make us all imperfect. All people are shaped by their past and everyone has a vice. There will always be people who think they are above everyone else, people who think they are right because of their feelings, people who think that they deserve something just because they want it or that they can do something because it is available to them," she looked back up and made direct eye contact with her King, "people that think that their luck or privilege is a sign that they were chosen by Fate, that they are the only one who can do something because they are special and that that means they are righteous and their failings mere stepping stones when in reality they are all normal people just like the rest of us." ///She knows nothing about being a Singularity. There's no greater proof of being chosen by Fate!/// Since the Fall of First Sindria, Sinbad had been hearing a voice periodically. It was like stray thoughts -many were opinions he didn't really have. The fact that the voice felt the same as him in this made a pit form in his stomach.

Mori gestured at him and continued. "Even his Majesty being a 'Singularity' is only something rare. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. You know I can read the waves of Fate as well, so it's obviously not the type of thing that you or Al Thamen makes it out to be. There is no 'chosen one.' No one is immune to human fault or failing. 'Fate' is the history of how all of our decisions affect each other.” It was like she was reading his thoughts. There were other Singularities? Mori could also read the waves but- The waves in the room were over flowing. This was greater than when Mori changed things in Balbadd. They were far off topic now, but this was more important. ///She doesn't understand anything. I've read Fate!/// Those stray thoughts hated Mori and how she was changing things since the beginning even though when Sinbad read the waves around her he liked the direction they were going. Her waves wouldn't stop him from reaching his dream. If that voice was this against what she was doing then he had to know more. "Mori, please tell me, what makes you so sure? You say you've read Fate; how can you say there isn't a grand plan? Can you really deny that the Rukh guide us?" Would they have to agree to disagree? Was this something he could afford for the Prophet of his own country to not see his way? She watched him and the Generals as she thought. "There is a 'plan,' but it isn't absolute. I read more than one 'Fate' for this reality. If Fate was already fully decided then in Balbadd Judar would have defeated all of you instead of being crushed by Ugo, and Cassim would have married Princess Kougyoku instead of dying, but that didn't happen, now did it? When I read Fate, I read how it was changed from it's original design by the people of this world. And as I've already said, I couldn't be here if everything was already decided.” ((these are things that are said to be in the og draft of Magi, but got changed when actually making the scenes)) They had been changing Fate's course before Mori arrived? Was that even possible? Mori wasn't the type to lie out right over something like this. Between her demeanor and the waves, he could tell she wasn't lying. He had to know where this new path was leading and asked an obvious question. "Isn't it just as likely that those 'changes' were supposed to happen?" Mori scowled at that. "Anything is true somewhere. There are infinite realities where any Fate is true. Every moment infinitely more form to account for every possibility -every decision, and unexpected change, even an asteroid coming and destroying the planet. If you can imagine it, it is reality somewhere." Sinbad had read Fate in the waves, of course he knew about there being other possibilities. Were there really other realities where he had followed one of the other paths? Mori didn't wait for him to comment. "There's no way to know which destiny or Fate we are following until it's already happened. Being able to read the waves has helped me narrow it down to 2 or so of the Fates that I read for this reality, but it can't account for everything. Since I can't read my own Fate I can't know how my presence will affect things." Mori continued, "When I read this reality's Fate, I learned how it functions on a fundamental level. Everything is made up of Rukh and is dictated by the Rukh and magoi. The Great Flow of the Rukh 'guides' the living but it is also affected by the wants and desires of the living. It sees all those wishes and creates opportunities for people to realize those dreams based on how many want that dream to become real. But it's still up to the living how they react. The Great Flow creates opportunities and makes suggestions, but it can't make your decisions for you. And" Mori paused while looking for the right words, "and the more magoi directed at a certain wish the more likely the Great Flow will try to help." Mori waited for them to absorb the meaning of her words. That meaning made Sinbad nervous. If she wasn't lying... Drakon broke the silence. "That would mean that someone with

a lot of magoi would have a greater affect on the Great Flow." "It does." Mori confirmed. Was that really how the Great Flow of the Rukh worked? How Fate worked? Mori stayed silent again, reading them as much as they were reading her. The waves were still high. Yam was the next to comment. "I know the amount of magoi a person has defines how strong of a magician they can become, but it sounds like those born with a lot of magoi also have an amazing privilege when it comes to the Great Flow." "Exactly." Mori agreed. "The people that Fate seems to favor aren't chosen by Fate or particularly special. They are born lucky just like those born rich." She paused. "All Dudgeon Capturers have an above average amount of magoi. A Djinn won't select a King that doesn't even have enough magoi to use their power. The more Djinns a person has, the more magoi they need to have. King Sinbad, you were born with a rare ability, and the equivalent magoi of a large city or small county -even before all that Rukh merged with you in Parthevia. If you didn't, there would be no reasons for the Djinns to cut you off from trying to capture more Dungeons." "What?" Sinbad's question slipped out of him in an airy gasp. He knew he had more magoi than average, but this would make him no different from those that grew up as royalty thinking that they were inherently better than their poor subjects. He wasn't sure if he could believe her, but the waves of Fate had never lied to him. The Prophet's waves were overwhelming the space, encouraging him to believe her. It was obvious how this information would change things. King Sinbad had more than the waves, he also had a sharp intuition. There was something hidden in her words. Some truth about his future that she hadn't told them yet. Even if he had been intentionally given these privileges by Fate, Mori had already stated that his decisions were his own. When Mori had said there were people that conflated their privilege with a righteous roll given by Fate it definitely included him. But if he wasn't chosen by Fate, if they had been changing Fate all along, then what was what happened in Parthevia or Riem? Mori's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Not being chosen by Fate and everyone having free will is a good thing if you ask me. It means when someone chooses to do right by others it is because they chose to, not because someone is forcing or directing them. I like to think that everyone thinks they are doing the right thing, and only act out against others because of strong emotions and ignorance. The cure for most negative emotions is a stable environment ((including medication for those who need it)) and the cure for ignorance is education. These are things that Sindria and the Seven Seas Alliance are able to provide. "All of you are using your privileges and talents to help people, and to bring peace to the world. Regardless of whatever mistakes you made in the past, this country and the current state of the world are a direct result of your choices. These choices you've all made are even more admirable because you made them on your own. Isn't that why so many have sided with Sindria already? It's also one of the main reasons I chose to become Sindria's Prophet in the first place. With your help, we can greatly reduce the disparity of this world and raise the quality of life for everyone." Her smile was soft and confident. Mori's waves overtook his own.

The King had a thought that shook him, but it was Hinahoho that asked it, "You didn't just tell us some of the taboo information, did you?" "What? No." Mori was shocked by that question. "His Majesty and others would have figured this out all on their own in about 5 years -not to mention those that already know it." He could try to deny it, return to the path he was on, but he would know deep down that she was right. And apparently, he would figure this out in the future anyway. There was no reason to hold himself back then. He could see that now -there was no going back. This was one of the changes he had felt in her waves from when he first met Mori. ///How can she say such foolishness?? This woman must die before she ruins everything!!/// A chuckle slipped out of Sinbad. That voice really did hate his Beautiful Prophet. His waves were changing. He was changing. But he still had the same dream: to create a world without war or poverty. Mori's goal was to remove disparity. Even their goals worked well together. Why had he been so sure that being a Singularity made him some special chosen one? When had that started? It was members of Al Thamen that had told him that. They were the enemy yet he still believed their manipulation so completely. Sinbad knew why deep down. If he was chosen by Fate then his actions would be righteous and the awful things he experienced were stepping stones. Like a child learning to take responsibility and step out of the shadow of their parents, in this too he would have to take ownership for his place in the world. He would be thinking about this a lot in the coming days. All of this information was invaluable. Why did Mori choose to follow him if she knew all this? There was no way she didn't know how he viewed himself and the world before this conversation or the mistakes he had made. Was it thanks to opportunities that the Great Flow gave him that he was able to seduce her to his side? No. Mori already knew what was going to happen. She knew the future more clearly than what the waves could show. She knew him and his methods as well. She knew that the Kou Fleet had been on it's way. That meant Mori would have been deciding where she wanted to go and weighing her options from the beginning. Mori made her decision, gave him a slow drip feed of what she was capable of, and made sure each request he had of her was given a price. She wasn't just withholding her help due to a lack of trust; she was leading him to make the best possible offer. She knew that he would try to bring her to his side if he knew her value. He had played into her hands not the other way around. Why didn't this realization upset him? This new information wasn't going to stop him from achieving his dream. In fact, now that he had a better idea of how the Great Flow worked he could consciously use it to his advantage. He got what he wanted and it was mutual -not simply Fate. They both wanted this. This was making him excited. The smile on her face was one he recognized. He had worn it when he was young whenever he had convinced others to his side. Mori was cut from the same cloth. She had agreed to have this conversation not just because of Ja'far's insistence; she was after the opportunity to clear up his misunderstanding about Fate. ((plz ignore that I forgot to draw my freckles in most of the shots and am too lazy to fix it.))

#magi prophet fanfic #major spoilers #sinbad magi #king sinbad #sindria #info dump

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dex-xe · 3 years ago

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I've made Spotify playlists inspired by each of the ghosts and I've made these little written pieces to talk about them. if you wanna read them, please go ahead - if not then enjoy the music!!

This is Robin's playlist:

Somebody Told Me - The Killers

Robin is a stadium rock kinda guy, I guarantee you that. I’ve said this before multiple times but I love the idea of Alison trying to find music for all the ghosts that she things they’d like and he’d totally like music where he could watch gigs and festivals of people just going mental and jumping about. (I have actually written a fic here about Robin having watched stadium rock so yeah, go read that if you’d like!)

Starman - David Bowie

I feel like this is obvious cause space boy but also I interpret the song as being about the idea of accepting change. The Starman sits above Earth and knows things that “will blow our minds”, they understand more than humans do or ever could know much like Robin who has seen more than can be imagined and is wise beyond his time.

The Universal - Blur

This song encapsulates the two primary things I drew from in making Robin’s playlist which are space and the passage of time. But yeah, it’s kinda a sci-fi-esque song that I think is quite fitting. I’ve also seen a lot of discusison about how it’s a commentary on the downfall of society under the epidemic of believing everything you read which is like conspiracy theory Robin talking about the moon landing not happening and the Earth being flat.

Space Oddity - David Bowie

Just the image of Robin as a spaceman makes me happy, I saw some fanart of the ghosts in the outfits they described at clothes club and the one of Robin was so good!! (They are all great but that one in particular is super cute). If I can find it then I’ll link it here.

Spaceman - The Killers

Again, space vibes. Not writing much for this one because it’s self explanatory but also I’m writing this while listening the playlist through and I’m still searching for the fanart from the previous song XD

Run Boy Run - Woodkid

(Found the art) That scene where Robin is running through the woods to fetch Barclay in BitN always reminds me of this song because of like the fast pace and the way it would nicely meld with his like stompy running through the woods.

Starlight - Muse

Actually not chosen for the space theme (although it helps). Basically just the idea of being so far away from those you love, I feel like it goes so underappreciated that Robin is not a few centuries or even just a handful of deacdes away from his life like all the others but he is literally MILLENIA from his family and community. He must miss them so much, I think the whole “everything comes, everything go, but moonah always there” (not a quote cause I only have until the song finishes and can’t to search for the correct line) really indicates just how lonely he must be after literally thousands of year. He spent ~40,000 alone before even Humphrey turned up???

Carry Me Home - The Killers

See above answer but add in the idea of not really belonging where you are, like I said he’s 1000s of years older than anyone else and is way more out of his time than anyone else.

Dark Side - Blind Channel

This would obviously be one of his favourites from this years Eurovision so I had to include it, again I just think he’d really like energetic music so I think it’s a good call.

Baby You’re a Haunted House - Gerard Way

I wanted to include this song in someone’s playlist because, well it’s obvious, but I think it’s a pretty decent song. But yeah, I settled on Robin because of the lyrics focussing on like having to be happy and positive in love while dealing with trauma and inner demons and stuff and I think that’s potentially very Robin cause of the fact he’s been at the house for years and watched everything come and go. He’s positive and upbeat despite the obvious trauma he’s experienced.

Love Illumination - Franz Ferdinand

Basically thought to be about the idea that destruction and boredom is all around us so we look towards things that make us happy and spark love to distract from that. (According to Wikipedia) Alex Kapranos said that he would look to the bright lights of Blackpool for that love - the idea of light and illumination being important to Robin’s distraction and boredom-aliviation in the afterlife.

The Whole of the Moon - The Waterboys

Space boy space boy space boy. Kinda about the idea of somebody seeing and understanding more than others… obvious but yeah I really like the song and am very fixated on Robin’s process of growing into a world that is so unnatural to him but picking up on modern ideas through his time.

Ghosting - Mother Mother

I felt the need to include this for someone so after much debate settled on Robin cause he’s been there for so long and it’s just a nice vibe for him.

Kidz - Take That

I know this is about protest and uprising etc but I think the idea of questioning authority and the very concept of reality and looking to turn things upside down fits nicely with Robin’s loves of conspiracy theories and his unwillingness to accept things straight off but instead question everything he sees.

Cities In Dust - Siouxsie and the Banshees

This is one of my favourite Siouxsie songs: it’s about the destruction of Pompeii and I again think that’s very Robin because, like I said, he’s experienced the destruction of everything around him. Obviously on a completely different level to the fall of Pompeii and over a long period of time but everything he once knew lies in dust but he can’t escape what the world is like now.

Teenage Kicks - The Undertones

It’s just a punk anthem and just a classic, you know?? I have no further explanation but I dare you to tell me this is not a Robin song XD

Across The Universe - The Beatles

It’s not particularly about space or the universe but the vibe is good and the line “nothing’s gonna change my world” is open to my interpretation as being like holding on to the past while watching things outside your control change.

Fly Me to the Moon - Joytastic Sarah & YungRhythm

This is an obvious choice, clearly, but I wanted to include this version because it’s more modern and more representative of Robin’s acceptance of the new world and new ideas.

20th Century Boy - T. Rex

The meaning of this song are very much up for debate, I’ve never been able to interpret it I don’t think. But it just gave me Robin vibes, maybe it’s because of the modern pop culture references which make me think of someone kinda out of their time picking up modern ideas and kind of regurgitating it - much like Robin’s instant believing of conspiracy theories etc.

Apeman - The Kinks

Obvious but yeah, caveman. Kinda nostalgic for simpler times as it lists like tons of things that are shit about todays world (nuclear war, inflation, over population) and how much easier it would be to live in a society without those things - things Robin has grown up into rather unnaturally.

#bbc ghosts #bbc ghost robin #Spotify

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