#and the only answer I'll commit to is that it's much more complicated than what people make it out to be

[blueteller]

Thanks for answering! If I can ask more but what made og!Cale (and also KRS) not like their previous life? And is the novel not still complete?

Of course you can! I'll answer each topic in this order, as it will make the most sense:

the current state of the novel

why OG Cale did not like his previous life

why Kim Rok Soo did not like his previous life

how transmigration happened, and why it was good for both of them

First topic: is the novel complete?

At this moment, the novel is still in the works: more precisely, Part 2 is still in the works. Part 1 of "Trash of the Count's Family" (title from "Eat Apple Pies" English translation; the manhwa title translation is "Lout of the Count's Family" due to convoluted legality reasons) had been been completed in year 2022, with 776 chapters.

While I considered Part 1's ending a satisfying conclusion of the main story arc, it still left a lot of unanswered questions – and I do mean a LOT. It felt less like the end of a book, and more like an end of a season. So Part 2 is really the continuation of the same story.

Between Part 1 and 2, there were additional "extras" published, which were numbered as chapters 777-799. So that when the prologue for Part 2 came out, it was numbered 800, and everything from 801 up was Part 2. Yesterday on Munpia, where I read the novel in Korean (through an automatic translator of course, since I don't know any Korean. Let me tell you, it's a pain...) came out chapter 1006, which makes TCF Part 2 currently 206 chapters long.

The author originally predicted that Part 2 to be 300 chapters long. No one believed that, myself included: because the author is one of those writers who always end up writing much more than they intended, hahaha! I know that feeling well. I'm estimating Part 2 to be at least 500 chapters long by the end it's done, probably around 600.

...I know that the length of this novel might seem unreasonable, but it's really not being stretched for content or money purposes: it's truly Plot all the way through. It's all story. There really is just that much story to tell, and it would not be as satisfying if you cut any of it out.

I admire this writer a lot. TCF is so much fun. I freaking love this novel.

Second topic: why the Original Cale Henituse did not like his life?

We have to go back to the very beginning: the marriage of Count Deruth Henituse, and Jour Thames. (You might have seen the name "Drew" being used sometimes, but it's really just the matter of translation. I'm sticking with "Jour".)

Jour had a very complicated background, but I won't dive into all of that here – what matters is that Jour had a very special power. It was a Wood Ancient Power called "The Annual Rings of Life", and it allowed her to see the "annual rings" of all living things: past, present and future. Meaning she could see the fate of a person, including how many years they had to live.

And when she looked at her young son, Cale, with that power, she saw something very unusual. His "annual rings of life" were "warped". Meaning, he would experience an unusual fate in the future, and in result become a Variable: either a regressor, a transmigrator, or a reincarnator. Or, more than one at once. So she told Cale:

"You are someone who will have an unusual experience with time."

Basically, she saw OG Cale's future fate and realized that the world is going to be in Big Trouble, because gods only make Variables like that happen when something really big and really bad is going down.

Now, it's just my speculation – but on top of it, I think Jour could see her own "annual rings". Meaning, she knew she would die young, and that by the time Cale became a Variable, she would no longer be around. So, knowing all this, she decided she needed to help out as much as she could: she wrote down a journal for "the person who would possess her son's body" in the future.... and commited suicide.

Why? Because it allowed her to split the power in 2 pieces. But that is a much longer story, and we're here to talk about OG Cale.

But it all starts right here: with Jour committing suicide, although no one knew that was the case at the time. All they knew was that Jour went on a short trip to Harris Village for some reason, had a carriage accident on the way back, and then died soon after, despite her injuries not seeming very serious.

That unexpected death devastated both Deruth and Cale, who loved her very much. Deruth was emotionally broken and Cale reminded him much of his dead wife, because they both had red hair and looked very similar. I imagine he started avoiding Cale for that reason, although it wasn't at all mean-spirited: Deruth was simply depressed over his beloved wife. To cope with his broken heart (and possibly to give Cale a new mother figure), he soon chose to remarry rather quickly, to a woman named Violan, who already had a son named Basen. Basen was 3 years younger than Cale.

Basen's existence is the reason why Cale chose to become "trash". You see, while on the outside people thought that Cale was outraged at his father "replacing" his mother so soon, or that he resented Violan... that wasn't the case at all. Cale quickly grew to accept them both as family. However, unlike Jour (who was from a small noble family), Violan was descended from a merchant family. She and her son were not nobility. Because of this, Basen faced discrimination from their relatives, who did not approve of Deruth's second marriage.

Young Cale, seeing Basen insulted and belittled by other nobles, created a plan. He told Basen to lie to everyone that he was Deruth's biological son, and that he was a Henituse by blood. Then he began acting like a completely spoiled brat. He complained, he yelled, he threw things. At the age of 15, he started drinking. He did everything in his power to completely ruin his reputation.

Why? All for Basen, Violan, and later Lily. Because he wanted them to be accepted by noble society. If he, Deruth's firstborn, was removed from succession, that would make Basen the next Count. And then no one would be able to disrespect them.

While it might seem like a crazy plan (and let's be fair: he came up with it as a child), it was actually surprisingly effective. No one saw through his act: not even his butler Ron, who was a trained assassin by trade. Cale's acting abilities were flawless. He played the drunk, spoiled noble with a trash reputation perfectly. Basen was quickly accepted as the heir by the public; although nothing in the family had been formally decided. While this was going on, Deruth did not know why his son was acting like this, but he never really lost faith in him; he probably thought it was all about Jour's death, and Cale would mature in time. It was also said that despite everything, Cale still acted respectfully towards his father, and was distant but still respectful towards his step family. Their family were thus strained, but not broken.

When Kim Rok Soo transmigrated, he was under the impression that OG Cale was deliberately shunned by the rest of the family. But that distance was purely artificial, but OG Cale's own design. When KRS!Cale "stopped" acting distant towards the rest of the family, the Henituses happily embraced the change. They likely thought that he finally allowed himself to heal from Jour's death and move on. That's why no one questioned him about the "change of personality", even though they all noticed it immediately.

Now, we have to talk about the TBOAH ("The Birth of a Hero") timeline. What happened before OG Cale regressed, and transmigrated into KRS's body.

In the TBOAH timeline, when OG Cale was 18, he met Choi Han on a rainy day. OG Cale was "drunk" (actually just pretending to be, as his alcohol torelance was secretly super strong), and Choi Han mentioned being from Harris Village, which had just been all massacred by assassins.

Now OG Cale, full in his "drunk trash noble" personna, probably had his own reasons for provoking Choi Han. He likely thought that getting into a fight would prevent him from getting sent to the Capital for an important celebration, and letting Basen shine. But he also honestly hated Harris Village, which was the place where his mother died. So he insulted the dead villagers to Choi Han's face. Choi Han took it personally and beat him up quite a bit for it. That incident was what inspired KRS!Cale to change the events from the TBOAH timeline, despite his lack of desire to get involved with the "plot of the story".

What exactly happened between this point and OG Cale's transmigration 22 years later is mostly speculation, but we do know some things from the TBOAH timeline thanks to KRS!Cale.

Firstly, soon afterwards Basen went to the Capital, and it was attacked with bombs. Basen either got lucky, got injured, or died in the incident. Whichever actually happened then, Basen certainly could not remain alive for long; 2 years later, the Henituse territory was attacked by the Indomitable Alliance, as their first act of war. We know that the territory was unprepared, and suffered countless casualties. Among them, the entire Henituse family died, except for OG Cale.

So we have a clear order of events for OG Cale in the TBOAH timeline: his happy early childhood, his mother's death at 8, soon followed by his father's second marriage and the appearance of his step family, OG Cale sacrificing his heir position for Basen's sake, a terrible adolescence focused entirely on ruining his own reputation and acoholism (the latter which followed him into adulthood, and no wonder), and finally losing his home and his entire family at the age of 20.

Not to mention, the 20 years of war which followed afterwards. The TBOAH timeline sucked for absolutely everyone.

When soldier Cale was 40, during the "final battle" of all the allied forces against their enemy, he got trapped under his allies' corpses. As he laid there, he witnessed Choi Han facing the White Star, the mysterious enemy leader. OG Cale saw as White Star suddenly grabbed Choi Han and declared:

"Time is warped oddly for you."

The words made him recall what Jour told him years ago. In that moment, OG Cale realized: the White Star had his mother's power. Then the White Star shoot a stream of fire at OG Cale, intending to casually finish him off.

...but OG Cale did not die, because at that exact moment, the God of Death offered him a deal.

What kind of deal? And why? Let's get back to that in a bit.

Third topic: why Kim Rok Soo did not like his life?

First of all: from the very beginning, KRS was screwed. Why? Because he was born with a curse.

What curse? And why? I'll get back to that bit later, too. But what matters is: it was a curse of bad luck, which made KRS loose every single person he cared about sooner or later.

KRS started off not too differently from OG Cale – he wasn't a noble, but he had two loving parents. However, a tragedy struck early on, and both died in a car accident. As a young boy, KRS got adopted by a distant relative named Kim Seung Jong, his uncle.

KRS's uncle, who turned out to be a gambling addict and an alcoholic. He took KRS in only to use what little money his parents left for him, starving and abusing him. Eventually, KRS ran away.

What happened to him shortly afterwards is a bit unclear. It's possible he lived on the streets for a bit. But eventually, he had to have landed in an orphanage, because he went to high school like a normal teenager with an ordinary life.

...Except that one incident with some evil dimension travellers noticing his curse, mistaking it for something else, and trying to kill KRS. And also someone else using him as live bait. But hey, KRS got his memory erased afterwards, so it's not like the trauma of those events affected him or anything, right?? :')

Soooo anyway, all was going well for KRS. At the age of 20, he got into a university and had a part time job as a waiter. All was good!

...Except then the Monster Invasion started. That's right! You read it right! You thought KRS was from a normal modern Korea?? SIKE, he was from a post-apocalyptic world all along!! KRS spent 3 days under building debris, drinking rain water and slowly starving, until he was rescued by a young hero named Lee Soo Hyuk. LSH lead KRS into a nearby Shelter – a place with supernatural properties which were immune to monster attacks – and left. All was good!! ...Except then the leader of the Shelter turned out to be a huge jerk and started bossing KRS around and beat him up on occassion. Luckily, the Shelters failed 10 months later and everybody at the Shelter died, including that jerk!! ....Wait.

So KRS survived not just one, but 2 incidents where everybody around him died. But that's ok, because he joined the organization lead by LSH and another cool dude named Choi Jung Soo. Sure, they risked their lives every day by fighting monsters and rescuing people and fighting organized crime on the side – but hey, at least KRS had friends now, for the first time in his life! So that's good, right?

....Except, several years later – around time when KRS was 26 – a super powerful monster called an Unranked Monster killed everyone in KRS's team. But it was fine! Totally fine! He just survived everybody dying around him for the 3rd time in his life, and everybody kept talking about him behind his back how he's an unfeeling bastard because he's unable to cry anymore... but who cares! KRS became Team Leader now, and he was determined to have zero casualties from now on.

That's right! ZERO. CASUALTIES. Because he's the most stubborn person alive, and also insane. So of course, he managed to actually pull it off.

So KRS spent the next 10 years being an absolute bada**, taking down mob bosses, fighting monsters and keeping all his team members alive, but also keeping distant from everybody and not having any friends because hey – if you notice a suspicious pattern of all your friends either vanishing or dying since you were a kid, you'd probably stop trying to make friends too.

36-year-old KRS was totally fine, and emotionally stable, and absolutely-not-at-all traumatized by all the deaths he's witnessed so many times. Just like OG Cale was probably-not-at-all traumatized by how his entire family died, or the next 20 years of war witnessing people brutally dying everywhere and an evil overlord taking over the world. They were both totally fine, I assure you!!

...Anyway, what was that 4th topic again??

Fourth topic: how and why the transmigration happened, and why was it good for both of them?

Right, let's start with OG Cale's deal.

The God of Death is able to make deals with people in life threatening situations. When the White Star attacked OG Cale, it allowed the God of Death to offer him to regress back in time and then switch places with one Kim Rok Soo. But why OG Cale? Obviously KRS had the qualifications to avert the events of the TBOAH timeline and the End of the World, being an experienced leader of an apocalyptic world – but what made OG Cale so special?

Well, there could be several reasons. One of which was how despite all their differences, their lives were similar in many ways. Both OG Cale and KRS lost family when they were young, experienced rejection from society, and had military experience. Not to mention the acting skills. OG Cale was able to successfully take over KRS's job, and that was no easy feat. KRS's team noticed the change of course, but they were much more happy about their totally-not-depressed-and-potentially-suicidal Team Leader was finally starting to open up, than the fact that he apparently went "crazy" one day and decided he suddenly liked alcohol now.

Another reason, perhaps, was how OG Cale's mom had the Annual Rings of Life power. It was quite important for defeating the White Star, and the way Jour set it up, only her son – or at least, the person in her son's body – would be able to find the Ancient Power; specifically the part which was able to see fate, aka. the future. The White Star got his hands on the "weaker" half of the Annual Rings, so he was only able to see the past: which saved OG Cale, as during the confrontation where the White Star tried to kill him, he wasn't able to recognize him as a future regressor & transmigrator.

...There's also Jour's Thames heritage, but that's a a whooole other topic. (Also the possible connection between Cale Barrow's last body and the Thames, but that's just a theory right now so it doesn't really matter.)

So, that covers the part of "why OG Cale". What about KRS? He couldn't be the only person capable of defeating a final boss like the White Star, right?

Well, remember how I mentioned that KRS was cursed since birth? Well, turns out that it was all the White Star's fault! Apparently KRS was meant to be born in the fantasy TCF world. Except the White Star was a reincarnator, who reincarnated using an ancient curse. To be reborn, the White Star stole bodies from other people, like KRS. Those unfortunate souls would then pass on and reincarnate in a different dimension, except bearing a part of the very same curse. The curse which makes sure that "you can never cherish anyone ever again". While the curse was weaker in the victims of the White Star than the guy himself, it still affected people like KRS. Because the God of Death was the one who originally created the curse, he felt really guilty about it. He tried to remove it from KRS, but was unable to.

...until the transmigration, that is! So, part of the reason why KRS was chosen for the transmigration (or rather, to be the "victim" of OG Cale's own transmigration) was that it allowed the God of Death remove the curse from him. Which allowed him to FINALLY make friends and be happy.

OG Cale, in return for this deal, got: a time regression which saves his family and the entire world, the truth behind his mother's death, a new environment to live in unrelated to his traumas where he could heal, and most importantly, a young reincarnation of his birth mother, whom he got to adopt as an uncle.

KRS, on the other hand, got: a blood family that cares about him, a free luxurious lifestyle with lack of responsibilities, new environment to live in unrelated to his traumas where he could heal, a detailed guide about closest future tragedies to prevent, and most importantly, a life free of the curse he unknowingly suffered from his entire life and the ability to keep all his new family and friends close to him.

....Phew. I hope you don't mind my explanation being so long.

To sum it all up:

the novel has two parts, Part 1 is finished, Part 2 is in progress

OG Cale lived in a lie and then through a war and got to start over

KRS lived through constant suffering and trauma and got to start over

their positions in life made it perfect for a transmigration switch with no loose ends

I hope this explanation helped!

[painted-bees]

I went looking for a list of OC questions that had a majority of things I hadn't answered yet wrt the hi-note trio, and found this lil' one abt "love and relationships" lmao I'm not gonna make anyone submit a number in my ask box for it, it's only 15 questions. I'll just answer them all for Margie and Raf under the cut.

1) How does your character view the idea of romantic love? Raf's got a complicated relationship with it. He's a very romantic person, and wants desperately to believe in the whole "true love "thing-- to believe that someone could love him just because it was predestined for them to do so, or because of some hard coding in their DNA or whatever--and that it'd work the same way for him, too. Just effortless, unquestionable, natural and unbreakable love. But that doesn't exist, it's a fantasy. People don't get into relationships unless there's something tangible in it for them--and then it's a tug-o-war of compromises and capitulations, and it's impossible to imagine anyone ever being truly happy and comfortable under the weight of an obligation as undefinable as 'love'. And so, he figures he'll be lucky if he can find someone he can tolerate, who can tolerate him--who might, once in a while, give him the euphoric feeling of being valued as a person rather than as an asset. And hopefully, those moments can outweigh the inevitable fights and disagreements, and all the emotional damages that arrive in those situations. As for Margie, there's no clear distinction between romantic love and platonic love for her, much of the time. She loves her friends all very intensely, and she loves her romantic partners in very much the same way! Her expressions of love do not change much between friends and lovers--and maybe for this reason, people who take the plunge into being a committed romantic partner with her find her to be somewhat underwhelming. There is very little difference between Margie as a friend and Margie as a romantic partner. There is very little difference between her definitions of these two things. Arguably, she's a very loving--but not a very romantic--person. She doesn't believe in soulmates or true love or any of these things, either. It feels too limiting. It puts so much unnecessary pressure on a single person and needlessly mystifies something that really shouldn't be all that strange or complicated.

2) What was your character's first heartbreak, and how did it influence their approach to relationships? Raf's first heartbreak, romantically...hm. He had a few friends who grew up with him, most of whom were also part of the junior classical music circuit; some of whom he kept in contact with even as his career pivoted away from the classical niche and into pop performance. I think perhaps there was one lass who he might have returned to Monaco for rather than fucking off to Juilliard--if she had returned his affections. He had confessed to her over the phone, just after being announced as a semi-finalist for a large, televised popular music competition. She asked him to call her again after the competition was over, when he was gonna come home. He didn't make it as a finalist, and she never answered his calls then after. So he followed his initial plans and absconded to Juilliard with a different friend who he awkwardly...briefly fell in with romantically instead. Who knows why she never answered his calls, but Raf has no doubt attributes the fact that he didn't make it as a finalist to the reason why she stopped talking to him. That was kinda the first and last time he made the first 'move' for a romantic relationship, and has since taken a much more disinterested, aloof approach...as with most things, really. Margie's first heartbreak was in grade five! She had a huge crush on a boy one grade above her, and mentioned it within earshot of one of her classmates from the 'popular' clique. Those girls got really excited for her and offered to help set her up on a date with him, got him to come over and ask her out during recess, and when she provided a very overenthusiastic, "yes!", Margie found that she had only been set up as the butt of a very hilarious joke between the lot of them. In that same interaction, the lad coined a new name for her, "FleaGirl", and it stuck all the way until she graduated highschool. It's still one of those embarrassing moments that crop up in her brain during the Midnight Carousel of Shame that keeps her awake during restless nights. As a teen, she started flirting with people as a joke, cuz that's her affection could really be–and she delighted in weirding people out with the overfamiliarity she performed. It felt nice though, when the other person would volley back and try to out-skeeze her. She still doesn't know how to flirt in earnest, and will always make a joke out of her affections. It's always kinda up to the other person to respond sincerely if they're actually interested in her.

3) Does your character believe in soulmates, and why or why not? HAH woops, I accidentally answered this in the first question lmao

4) What traits does your character find most attractive in others? Raf values honesty and genuine expression. He really...really loves joyful, unironic cringe. Like, there's something really attractive to him about a person who can let their guard down in order to fully enjoy something. He's really attracted to people who seem impervious to expectation and can cut through what he perceives as the superficial, performative gestures of day to day interactions. Sometimes that takes the form of a counter cultural "I don't care what they think of me" rebellious personality. Sometimes it takes the form of, well...[[gestures at Margie]]. Also, he'd never admit this, but Raf is attracted to messes that he can clean up. Margie is attracted to nice hair, cute smiles, and warm kindness. Unprovoked kindness towards her is the fastest way to make her fall in love with you. The other is casual, affectionate physical touch. She is not immune to a well groomed sense of style and easy confidence, either. If someone is well dressed with nice hair, a straight, open posture, and a warm smile--that's an attractive looking person to her.

5) What does your character fear most in a relationship? For Raf, it's expending his usefulness and being discarded. In every relationship, he's waiting for that one chance to prove that he can't give, or be, or provide what his partner was hoping to get out of him. Or maybe they finally get what they were after and don't need to keep suffering the act of 'loving' him anymore. Or maybe something better will come along and make him redundant. He's always waiting for that other shoe to drop. His biggest fear is just learning that his partner was only pretending to love him, so as to pacify him while they extract from him whatever it is they wanted. For Margie, she's terrified of overstaying her welcome. She feels like as soon as she gets into a relationship a timer starts ticking down where, every day, she starts becoming a little less cute, a little less fun, a little more annoying, a little more difficult to live with. She's identified herself as a kind of 'manic pixie dream girl' that people initially enjoy because she's weird and quirky and playful. But the more time they spend with her, the less fun those things are. She never stops being weird and quirky and playful. There's no point where she is able to get serious and organise herself, and behave like a normal adult. No one wants to live with that for very long.

6) How does your character handle jealousy or insecurity in relationships? Margie has no jealousy. She's straight up chill to let her partners have other relationships or flings or whatever so long as they don’t lie to her about it. And she’s extremely trusting about this. Her insecurity about her own lack of desirability probably played a huge part in developing this polyamorous stance, but she genuinely does feel very comfortable and secure in it. Raf [[gritted teeth]] deals with it. Not very well, in previous relationships. Poorly, in fact. The very uncommitted, open ‘friends with benefits’ relationship he had with Margie for a while before he eventually admitted to himself that he really needs her to stay in his life–has done a lot of weird psychological lifting for him. There’s a really strong precedent for Margie to be honest with him about the nature of all her relationships. On top of this, she doesn’t have locks on her phone, she makes him hold her phone most of the time. She doesn’t care if he reads her messages or checks her emails [he Does Not Do This, if only for the exercise in restraint]. If he’s having the Weird Paranoia about Margie, the thought that “well, she’d let me go through her messages right now if I asked” is enough to leverage himself with. Sometimes he does ask, and she’s just like “sure, w/e”--and he pacifies himself on that without feeding the impulse further. And so, the paranoia usually picks a far more fruitful subject to latch onto.

7) What past relationship still impacts your character's current life?

  Raf is still comparing and contrasting his current relationship with Margie to his previous relationship with Lacey…and has been learning a lot about himself through the differences. Lace was arguably his only other “real”/serious relationship before Margie, and it was such an absolute trainwreck. But it’s also just what he assumed relationships were Like. Nowadays, he kinda dreads ever meeting with Lacey again because most of what he has learned is that he absolutely could have, should have treated her better, and she deserves an apology.

 Margie still thinks about her ex girlfriends in Montreal. She just really misses them a lot…She’d love to rekindle those friendships, and thinks there might still be a chance to do so, some day.

8) How does your character show love and affection?

  While Raf hates to have things expected of him, treating and gift-giving is genuinely his biggest show of affection. It stops the moment he feels like he’s being taken for granted, or as soon as he gets even the faintest whiff of entitlement. He doesn’t take kindly to being “hinted” at any more than he appreciates being straightforwardly asked for gifts or favours. It’s the fastest way to get him to withdraw. But If he gifts things and he feels like the gesture is genuinely unexpected and appreciated–it’s almost kind of a bond-strengthening exercise in of itself. He enjoys being helpful and feeling needed and appreciated, he just pathologically hates being taken advantage of or used. So–like…a lot of love and trust goes into the act of Raf giving something. It puts him in a vulnerable position, because the way the gesture is received will forever colour his perception of the relationship and can really…make or break it for him–beyond reasoning or any logical recourse.

 Margie shows her love and affection with physical closeness and careful patience. If there is someone she exceptionally loves and loves being around, she takes a lot of extra measures to make sure she doesn’t overwhelm them with her presence and she tries to really reign in how she acts around them so as to not be unpalatable. But she’ll drop her head on their shoulder or throw her legs across their lap. She’ll hold onto their arm while walking, and lean against them in casual settings. She just wants to exist in the same space, and reciprocated touch is a comforting reassurance that they do, as well.

9) What significant change has your character experienced in their understanding of love?

 The biggest thing Raf has so far learned is that love isn’t a tug-o-war of compromises and capitulations after all. If you love someone, you genuinely want them to feel safe and happy and secure, and so you’ll give things up and change your behaviour willingly for their sake with very little sense of loss about it. They’ll do the same for you, and neither will keep score about who gave up what, or who was willing to do the most work for the relationship. In the end, it’s not about him vs her or who gets to live ‘better off’ in the arrangement–but it’s a matter of collaborating to build a comfortable, happy environment together. One’s happiness is the other’s happiness. Not a competition, not a game of carefully measured concessions. A better whole.

  Margie has learned that she has a lot more to offer in a relationship than she thought; that emotional labour is an enormous contribution to a partner who is able to appropriately value it. Just because it comes easy to her doesn’t mean it’s worthless. Her love and affection is not a joke; it has meaning, it has worth. It’s worth a whole lot. 

10) What sacrifices has your character made for love, and were they worth it?

  Raf has to sacrifice his entire sense of safety and wellbeing every time he commits to a relationship. And, just this once, it’s been worth it.

  For each person that Margie has pursued as a romantic partner, she has sacrificed a friendship and definitely mourns each one. Raf is the first time she’s not had to sacrifice anything.

11) How does your character's cultural or familial background influence their views on marriage and relationships?

  Oh man lmao Raf’s Monegasque billionaire family dynasty…his parents genuinely really really love each other, but he has had very limited exposure to that. I don’t think he has ever seen them hug or hold hands, they stand very attractively next to each other and exude an imposing aura that commands respect. So…his idea of what marriage and relationships should look like is severely lacking. “Absolutely No PDA” has definitely stuck with him though.

  Margie’s from a lower income northern Ontario blue collar family with a dad who probably still makes “ol’ ball and chain” jokes about his wife, and a mom who does all the cleaning and cooking and doesn’t really get to enjoy her hobbies outside of the house. Actually, in a small way, this has probably contributed to Margie’s lack of enthusiasm towards getting married. She doesn’t wanna be anyone’s ball and chain, she doesn’t want to cook and clean, she doesn’t want kids. She’s written herself off as being absolutely unfit for marriage. She thinks she’d be an abysmal wife lmao

12) Does your character have a relationship that everyone else misunderstands?

No lmao everyone around them understood Raf and Margie’s relationship better than they did themselves for a long while lmao.

13) How does your character handle rejection or unrequited love?

  Raf has only really had to deal with this once, and he got pretty spiteful mad about it at the time. He also holds a mean grudge just…generally…so I do not think he’d be excited to ever meet her again.

 After the initial emotional gut-punch, Margie suffers a lot of shame and embarrassment and gets really depressed and quiet for a few days until something new and shiny comes along to divert her attention away. Anytime she randomly remembers a rejection though, she gets to re-experience it all again for a brief moment lmao stings.

14) What lesson about love is your character still trying to learn?

  Raf is still trying to really honestly believe that it can be this easy. He’s still waiting to hear what the catch is.

  Margie still has to fully internalise that the people who love her don’t find her annoying and will never tire of her–and that she doesn’t have to apologise for existing as a person with wants and needs

15) How has your character's professional life affected their romantic relationships?

  For Raf, it has severely limited his options–he refuses to date fans, past and present. If they recognize him as a public figure, but aren’t from a similar economic background as him, it’s basically a write-off in his mind. Eligible peers are hard to find…

 For Margie, it’s uh…homelessness definitely complicates things. All of her relationships prior to Raf were plagued with financial stress…and that can probably be cited as a major reason as to why most of her relationships fell apart.

[distort-opia]

*bursts through your window at 4AM wearing bloodied Hamlet costume* Hey Tort beloved i got you a whole chicken and an egg for breakfast:

Batman VS. Bruce Wayne— which one, in your opinion, is the person and which one is the persona? Realistically, when hell breaks loose on a good god abiding gotham day, which one could Bruce lose and still have his identity remain somewhat intact? I know different comics and media take complete separate parts of him as what makes him, but which one do you think makes Bruce Wayne who he is at heart?

Hi! You're not the first person to ask, so I'll put these two together. Thank you for the hearty breakfast and please accept these cakes as apology for how delayed this answer is (you and Anon both).

To be honest, I consider the question of "which one is real, which one is fake" as a bit overdone... and needlessly complicated. Especially because many times when people bring up the debate, they're thinking of "Brucie Wayne" and "Batman", with arguments of Batman being the real personality seemingly always correct and almost obvious. This oversimplifies things, because there's "Brucie Wayne", there's Batman, and then there's just Bruce.

Is the persona of "Brucie Wayne", the ditzy womanizing playboy with half a braincell, fake? Yes, absolutely. That one's a mask which serves the purpose of hiding the existence of Batman. But is that the same as Bruce Wayne, the man we see joke around with Alfred in the Cave, interact honestly with Dick and the Family and Talia and Selina and so many others-- the human underneath Batman? No, it isn't. That Bruce Wayne is very real. And Batman is not a separate persona or a mask, it's just another facet of the same person, borne out of Bruce Wayne's trauma. Batman is so many things... a coping mechanism, a way to commit suicide, the fantasy of who Bruce would like to be; but he's got roots within Bruce to such a fundamental extent that calling him a mask, or a persona, feels wrong to me. Batman is both the worst and the best of Bruce Wayne. There's no separating them... no matter how badly Bruce would like to make it that way.

Because Bruce has struggled (and still does) a lot, both with admitting to himself that there's more to him than the existence of Batman, and with maintaining a balance between the many personas he wears. "Batman is the real one, Bruce Wayne is fake" is something Bruce desperately wanted to believe and make real himself, in multiple stories. This is where this long-standing fandom belief probably stems from: from Bruce having convinced himself that "Bruce Wayne" is dead, and that there isn't anything left to him but Batman. Hell, Bruce has literally tried to "kill" Bruce Wayne and only be Batman in Bruce Wayne, Murderer? and Bruce Wayne, Fugitive; this is probably the story arc that dealt with this divide in Bruce's psyche in the most depth, I absolutely recommend giving it a read.

However, the more important thing is the why. Why this constant struggle? And it's a simple reason... maintaining ties to his humanity versus giving himself over entirely to the Vow. Batman was forged out of Bruce's pain, and is a response to loss. Batman is how Bruce channels his emotions into purpose. Batman will always want to never go through the loss of loved ones again, and the simplest solution to that is to never care again. Never have romantic relationships, maintain a distance from all the people in his life. But humans can't live like that. Bruce can't live like that, he needs grounding by the many relationships he does have, despite how much the side of him that's Batman pulls in the other direction. That's why Bruce Wayne, Fugitive ends like this:

And the thing is, we keep having the same story, over and over. Bruce nearly being consumed by Batman, and then finding his way back, most of the time with the help of his Family.

Here's another instance:

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #140

And another one, which so beautifully illustrates how Batman and Bruce Wayne are the same, but also how Batman contains a suicidal and self-destructive side of Bruce too:

Batman: Ego

(Lol. Yeah this is your life, man.)

But you could find an equal number of examples in which Bruce declares that "Bruce Wayne" is useless and disposable, and that Batman is the only thing that matters (e.g., Robin 1993 #125). Because again, this is comics. There's no finality in sight, no traditional ending that everything we read is heading towards. Bruce will keep doing this dance, will keep having to learn how to balance these two sides of himself. Most recently this happened in Zdarsky's Batman run, with the conflict between Bruce and the Batman of Zur-en-Arrh... but don't even get me started on that utter disappointment.

Actually though, @psalmsofpsychosis, this part of your question is quite interesting: "Realistically, when hell breaks loose on a good god abiding gotham day, which one could Bruce lose and still have his identity remain somewhat intact?" Because there have been times of crisis in which this has happened, in comics. And what Bruce did is probably not what you'd expect. This answer got long enough though, so I'm putting the rest under the cut.

Bruce has gone through a lot. There's been many catastrophic-level events he's dealt with. And at first glance, you'd think that he'd consistently fall back on Batman, if that's who he "really" is. But when his will genuinely breaks, that isn't what always happens. In Batman: Cult, a story that takes place towards the end of Bruce's first decade as Batman, after Jason became Robin, shows that Bruce can give up:

Batman: The Cult

Bruce abandons Gotham, and with it, Batman. Obviously, he eventually comes back. But it had to be Jason dragging him around for half this issue just to make him fight, just to make him function. (Much earlier than this, in Going Sane, he also considered just leaving Batman behind. But that story is deeply intertwined with Joker's identity as much as his, so I'm just mentioning it.)

And then Barbara gets shot, Jason dies, Bane goes after Batman in the Knightfall arc... it's just one thing after the other for the poor guy. Knightfall and its continuations are very extensive and many things happen, but after Bruce's spine is broken, he leaves Jean-Paul Valley in the role of Batman. And even after Bruce's injuries get healed, making a previously proclaimed goal of becoming Batman again much easier, he tells Tim that he doesn't want to come back. That he wants to stay retired, and "rejoin humanity":

Batman: Knightquest

Tim has to tell him of a crime that Azrael as Batman did, which is impossible to ignore... and Bruce has to confront Jean-Paul and see the truth of him having gone mad himself, before he decides to retrain and "become worthy" of his Batman identity once more.

Then, in a much bigger and well-known storyline that follows the Cataclysm event, Batman disappears for months. No Man's Land starts with a world in which Bruce has been away in Monaco trying to be someone else, instead of in Gotham, being Batman and taking control of the wrecked city which had been abandoned by all. Oh he comes back, but still...

No Man's Land: Ground Zero

So. Batman isn't his "real" identity, it isn't the core of him. Many times, he's wanted to run away and leave Batman behind, just like in some stories he was ready to completely destroy the "Bruce Wayne" identity and only be Batman. But in times of crisis, he repeatedly tried to leave and find happiness outside of Gotham and carrying the mantle of Batman... without succeeding.

Sometimes, Bruce hates Batman, and tries to run away. And other times, Batman hates Bruce, and tries to destroy him. It's a constant give-and-take, and neither facet of him has managed to succeed so far, because Bruce is Batman. There's no one without the other.

[matan4il]

I admit I’m kinda suspicious hearing that the IDF investigated itself and found no wrongdoing

Maybe I’m just jaded given how often that happens with us military and cops

I usually try to answer by the order I get the asks, but I am guessing you are referring to this IDF investigation, and I think that is important enough to address it right away, as a completion for that daily update.

Anon, IDK if I'll surprise you, but I actually get where you're coming from. It does sound weird for anyone to investigate themselves. I should know, I def am very suspicious of the UN investigating themselves when it comes to UNRWA.

That said, there are a few reasons why I have more faith in an IDF investigation in this specific context.

For one thing, there's a difference between when an organization investigates a specific incident, versus when it is looking at something much more systematic. It's easier for a system to put together a team within it, with independent authority to investigate another part, focus on "a few rotten apples," than if it has to admit that the whole system is rotten, and cut off its own heads, or even worse, admit that the system has no right to exist (*cough* UNRWA).

In that respect, when the IDF has to be checked on how it failed to prevent the Hamas massacre on Oct 7, it is NOT going to investigate itself. It is already conducting an investigative procedure to look into where the issues were, in order to learn from them, but this is done in addition, NOT instead of, an external investigation, with the actual power to recommend for people to pay personal prices for what happened. Which is as it should be. IDK that I would trust it any other way, as much as I do think that quite a few of the heads of the army and security forces are decent people, who have already taken responsibility for the failure to protect Israeli citizens, and will probably resign at the end of the war, regardless of what the investigation will say about them.

In contrast, UNRWA has stopped having a right to exist decades ago. No other UN agency has a similar decades long mandate. A similar UN agency meant to help South Korea following the 1945 partition of Korea into two (UNKRA) operated from 1950 to 1958, and then it was disbanded. As it should be. UNKRA certainly didn't continue operating in North Korea for decades, with an overwhelming majority of its staff being North Koreans, and intertwining it to an inseparable degree with the North Korean dictatorial regime, which is who this agency would have had to cooperate with, in order to continue working in NK. That's the equivalent of what UNRWA has become, so it has to go. It is complicit in employing terrorists, as well as indoctrinating Palestinians to be antisemitic and terrorists. And the UN has KNOWN and HAS ALLOWED THIS TO GO ON FOR YEARS. And that means that, beyond how antisemitic the UN inherently is (especially so long as it gives antisemitic and dictatorial regimes an equal vote), this organization also HAS to delegitimize Israel, because that's the country exposing the UN for its complicity. THIS goes all the way to the top. That's why the UN investigating itself is beyond questionable to me.

Back to the IDF. It's also in its own interest to justly investigate such specific incidents. Soldiers who defied orders are an issue for any army, especially if they show other soldiers they can do the same. Soldiers who defied orders and intentionally killed uninvolved civilians, causing their army and their state real damage (and in this, Israel is inspected in a way no other army and country are), are a danger for everyone. They can get every IDF soldier arrested for a sin only a few people had committed, which is why it is in the interest of almost everyone in the system, to make sure there is a clear distinction between such people, and the rest of the soldiers, who do follow the ethical code of the IDF. In fact, Israel's own legal system stopped an attempt to undermine the possibility of the IDF prosecuting its soldiers.

Lastly, there's past experience. If the record had shown that the IDF always absolves its soldiers, never prosecuting them for breaking orders, then I would be way more suspicious of its investigations. I think the most telling recent example is actually the accidental killing of the three Israeli hostages in Gaza by the IDF. There was no one at the scene other than the soldiers. They were in a war zone, no journalists around, in the middle of the battle chaos, if they had wanted to bury this and claim that Hamas terrorists were the ones who killed the hostages, or that the hostages were killed during an exchange of fire with Hamas terrorists, we'd probably never know the truth. But those soldiers reported what happened. And the IDF passed the truth along to the families, as hard and painful as that must have been, and to the public, whose faith in the army has already been shaken by the failure to prevent Oct 7. That tells me something about the army and the people leading it.

Does that guarantee that everything will always be transparent? No. But I am more inclined to trust an army willing to freely admit its own fuck ups, than the anti-Israel crowd, who will forever call anything the IDF does "a massacre," whether it qualifies or not, and who can't even accept it when foreign countries and independent investigators look into anti-Israel accusations and find Israel in the right, such as in the case of the al-Ahli hospital, where it was determined by multiple external investigations that the one conducted by the IDF was right, and the rocket that landed there was fired by Palestinian terrorists from Gaza, accidentally fell in the parking lot, and didn't kill anywhere near the 500 fatalities figure that Hamas is still claiming to this day.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[amerricanartwork]

Part two of this! Felt like I should get around to finishing these. I've already answered the second, but a lot of my thoughts for these go hand-in-hand so I'll kinda answer them as one here.

Also, I apologize if these seem a bit scattered. The questions are pretty broad in their interpretation, so I'm more just using this to get out some loose character thoughts I probably won't end up saying in other posts I plan to make.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

8. What are your opinions of Looks to the Moon (character)?

9. What are your opinions on Five Pebbles (character)?

To summarize what I said about Five Pebbles last time, I basically see him as another example of what I find to be a fascinating kind of tragic villain, where their bad environments combined with their own major character flaws essentially create a vicious cycle undermining all of their successes and worsening their failures more and more until they meet their demise in some way. But like I said before, I stated I also like the idea that Pebbles's own personality flaws and bad decisions, while still being the ultimate problem, were not the only things to blame for what happened to him, and as of now I think Looks to the Moon takes 2nd place in making the worst mistakes when dealing with him, only topped by Seven Red Suns.

I plan to go into it more later, since it's pretty crucial for an iterator off-the-string AU story I've been working on for a while, but I basically believe Moon's biggest flaw is being too selfless and making decisions based solely around what others seem to need while neglecting herself. In this regard Pebbles could actually be seen as more virtuous than her, because he's extremely committed to doing what he believes is right and follows through pretty much unconditionally, whereas Moon can only pursue her goals if it doesn't appear to do anything bad to other people.

Again, I'm gonna go into this more later, but for now I wanna give some out-of-universe thoughts and say that I would like to see more content showing off Moon's flaws and Pebbles's virtues. I feel like both of them can be a bit flanderized from time to time, with Pebbles being portrayed as overly mean or uncaring and Moon being cheery and caring with no flaws. So to help balance out their sibling dynamic better, I'd like to explore the idea of Moon making her own big mistakes, yet hiding it behind politeness and selflessness, and her eventually having to realize that Pebbles has some merits she could probably learn from!

Even despite that though, I really like Looks to the Moon as a character, and she's probably one of my favorite female characters in any story thus far! Firstly, I really feel for her struggle, not just in being collapsed by her own brother, separated from her friends and drowned constantly, but in (at least my headcanon idea of her) how much she enjoys in the world around her, yet doesn't feel like she can enjoy it fully. I get the sense that because of how old and broken down she is, she feels like "her time has passed" more-or-less, and it's no longer her right to exist for much longer. And that's just so sad! Like, poor girl's gone through so much and doesn't feel like there's anything she can do about it!

But on a more positive note, I think Moon is conceptually a really cool character, albeit in a different way to Five Pebbles. Rain World has always seemed to be largely about the feeling of existing in a strange world with a lost history far older and more complicated than you can ever understand, and I think no character symbolizes that idea of civilizations being lost to time than Looks to the Moon. Her primary utility is giving the player lore about the world, and with her broken down state and age old enough to probably have seen a good deal of Ancient society change over time, it feels all the more like I'm talking to one of the last remnants of a lost civilization. And on top of that, she literally is a broken down massively complex artificial structure, the pinnacle of Ancient civilization slowly returning to the natural ecosystem. And I especially mean that last part! Submerged Superstructure is one of my favorite regions conceptually because abandoned architecture being reclaimed by the wilds is a trope I find so beautiful and poetic, and I think it makes this region speak to that theme of Rain World even more so than Five Pebbles's Metropolis. Whereas Metropolis is still relatively barren and unchanged besides the dust, scavengers, and other occasional creatures, Submerged Superstructure is almost entirely flooded, filled with all sorts of flora and fauna, and yet you can still clearly see the identifying architecture of old sections like the Memory Conflux and Abstract Convergence Manifold. Looks to the Moon, both as a region and a character, is just so cool and beautiful in her ability to evoke such sadness to see this strange and fascinating world be lost to time, yet also a deep love of nature knowing that life goes on anyway!

Lastly, I just wanna mention how I love Five Pebbles and Moon's relationship and how central it is to the "story" of Rain World. As much as I love good romance, deep sibling bonds can be so heartfelt too, and it's continuously fascinating and melancholic and beautiful to see these two mechanical gods get humbled from their high status endure so much tragedy, yet still reconnect with each other in the end, if not physically then by mending their relationships and forgiving each other. Throughout everything we see happen to them they seem so interconnected, and yet, at least in my interpretation, they eventually come to learn that isn't such a bad thing after all! Once again, it serves as a reminder than even in this seemingly hopeless and dying world love goes on, like a great cycle! This is honestly part of why I've been hesitant to write my thoughts on this, because their story's ending in Rubicon threatens to make me cry every time I think about it because it's just so poetic!

So, in short, I like the idea that Looks to the Moon is pretty flawed as well as Five Pebbles, I empathize with her a lot, I adore her symbolism as a fascinating relic of a lost civilization, and I honestly think the story of her and Five Pebbles is perhaps one of my favorite parts of Rain World!

Thanks again for the questions, @tanyabadtime159!

[pure-garbage]

Tension Aboard The Sunny! A Chasm Forms

After her breakdown, Zoro stayed with Lana all night. It was a long time before she was able to fall asleep. Zoro held her tight against him, but laid completely still, measured breaths unchanging. Lana knew he wasn't sleeping, even though his eyes were closed. She could almost hear him thinking, his troubled pondering bleeding tension into the air that was already heavy with foreboding.

'Zoro, tell me what you're thinking. Please.'

Lana couldn't bring herself to ask, too afraid of what he might say.

Sunlight woke Lana the next morning. She was alone.

It felt strange to rise so late. Zoro habitually woke around four to start his routine before the heat of the day could hamper him and Lana had grown accustomed to waking with him.

The smell of coffee lured her to the kitchen, where Sanji was washing dishes.

"Breakfast over?" Lana asked groggily. "Why didn't anyone wake me?"

"Moss-head insisted you needed rest," Sanji explained. "Said you didn't get much sleep. I saved you a plate, but it's all vegetables."

"That's fine," Lana sighed, helping herself to a cup of coffee. "That's the only food that's safe from Luffy and I can't complain since I'm the one who overslept."

"Are you two still... actually, never mind," Sanji sighed. "Not really my business, I guess."

"You're my friend, aren't you?" Lana asked.

"Of course, Lana sweetest."

"Then it's your business. Go ahead and ask."

"Good friends don't pry," Sanji said. "If you want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"I appreciate that."

Lana only had the appetite for a few mouthfuls. She put the rest back in the fridge.

"Want a hand?" she offered.

"Sure. Smoke?"

"Uh... well, why not?" Lana mused.

She accepted Sanji's cigarette while he lit another for himself. He watched with amusement as she drew and puffed without inhaling.

"You're supposed to breathe it in, you know," he chuckled. It was clear she'd never smoked before.

"That's what I'm doing," she huffed, smoke shrouding her words.

It really wasn't, but Sanji didn't press her.

"Hey, how did Zoro seem at breakfast? Did he look mad?" Lana ventured.

"No more than usual. He was quiet, though. Usually I can tease a shout or two out of him, but he brushed me off today," Sanji replied.

"That's not good."

"So you two didn't work it out last night?"

"Yes and no. I don't know."

"Sounds like you still need to talk things over."

"I'm not sure there's much left to talk about."

"So.. what, you've decided to leave him?"

"No! Not at all, but... he's so damn stubborn. I don't know where this need for a commitment came from, but knowing him, he'll make it an all or nothing deal and I just... I just..."

'Be mine forever and I'll be yours.'

Lana caught herself breathing hard and steadied herself with some effort.

"It's a lot to ask of anyone," Sanji assured her. "You're not unreasonable for hesitating."

"It's just... it's complicated," Lana sighed.

The dishes were done. Lana crushed out the cigarette and fixed on a smile for Sanji's sake.

"I should go find him."

Lana knew all his usual spots, but she didn't seek him out right away.

'What am I gonna say to him? I don't have an answer. Will he want to talk?'

Dinner crept up on her, where she inevitably ended up next to Zoro. The crew were so used to the pair always sitting side by side that they unconsciously configured the seating to force the two together.

"Hey," Lana managed.

"Hey."

The mess was as boisterous as ever, the other straw hats bantering and bickering while they ate. Zoro and Lana sat in tense silence, avoiding eye contact.

'I have to say something. He won't talk first when he's like this.'

"Zoro, I... I..."

His eyes rose to meet hers, expression hopeful.

"You made your mind up?" he asked promptingly.

"I didn't."

"Oh. 'Kay."

He went back to his food, leaving Lana peeved.

"So what, you won't even talk to me unless it's about my answer?" she demanded.

"No, we can talk. Were you gonna say something?" he replied easily.

"Yes."

"I'm still listening."

"Just..."

He waited, his patience grating on Lana's rising irritation.

"I just don't really understand why you want this," she blurted.

"Want what? Your answer?"

"This whole commitment thing. Why do you suddenly feel the need to complicate things that way?"

"Complicate? Shouldn't it make things simpler?" Zoro asked, perplexed by Lana's thought process.

"How? Things are simple now," Lana protested.

"If you don't want to, just say no," Zoro frowned.

"Then what? Would things just... stay the same? Between us."

"No. We'd just go back to being friends, I guess."

There it was. Lana had been afraid of this.

"So either I agree to your terms or you're leaving me," she summarized.

"You're making it sound like a hostage situation," Zoro grumbled.

"It's that important to you?"

"It is."

"But why?! If you don't want a ceremony or an official marriage, why does it matter? It's just a few words!"

"It's more than that and you know it!" Zoro scowled. "It's plans and intentions and they do matter!"

The rest of the crew finished eating. They began clearing the table around Zoro and Lana, both to incensed to notice or care.

"I wasn't planning on leaving you!" Lana all but snarled. "I told you as much before we docked at Water 7, remember?!"

"Yeah, I remember! That's part of why I asked you!" Zoro shot back. "If you really meant that, why is this such a hard thing for you to agree to?!"

"It's a BIG step! You want me to say I'll be yours forever... did you ever stop to think that forever's a long damn time?!"

"I did, and I decided it would be nice to spend it with you! I thought that's what you wanted too!"

"Maybe it is, but that's now! I don't know how I'll feel a year from now, or five, or ten and neither do you!"

"Tch! Feelings have nothing to do with it! My mind is made up now! I've decided what I want to do and no amount of time is gonna change my decision!" Zoro insisted stubbornly.

"Well excuse me if I don't share your resolve!" Lana snapped. "Feelings are important to me, and I-"

"This is completely pointless!" Zoro declared, cutting her off and standing abruptly. "Do what you want, Lana! I'm not interestd in arguing with you about it! Come find me when you make your mind up!"

"You could just let it go!" Lana plead, knowing she wouldn't be able to persuade him but unable to stop herself from trying. He started to turn away and she caught his wrist desperately. "Zoro!"

He pulled free harshly and left without another word. Everyone else was already gone, having cleared out as soon as the dishes were gone. Lana was left alone with an empty stomach and an aching heart. She groaned aloud with frustration and let her head fall onto the table.

Thunk!

The heavy, hollow knock reached the kitchen, drawing Sanji's attention. He peered back into the mess, pursing his lips at the sight of Lana's dejection.

"Hey."

He approached her, hands shoved deep in his pockets. Depression rolled off her in dark, gloomy waves.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked softly.

Lana shook her head without raising it. Sanji took a deep drag of his cigarette, unable to completely quell his distress at seeing her state of despair.

"Smoke?" he offered.

She shook her head again.

"Want me to kick that shitty swordsman's ass for you?"

"No, Sanji, I just... I just want to be alone for now. Please."

"Yeah, of course... Lana, sweetest," Sanji sighed. He honored her request, leaving her to her thoughts.

'Forever... damn it, Zoro. It's not as simple as you're making it out to be. Just like always. I know you don't care about the nuances, I know you live like the moment you're in is all you'll ever have... but I just can't live that way. I worry about tomorrow. I avoid regret. I can't just say something that will chain me to my word for the rest of my life. Not without considering it, not without weighing all the consequences, not without being certain it's what I want.'

Indecision consumed the lockbreaker. She didn't sleep that night, and neither, she knew, did Zoro. She heard his strained counting echoing out from the crows nest until the sun's first rays painted the horizon rose and gold.

Exhaustion finally overtook her, silencing the turmoil that raged like a summer storm through her harrowed, sleep-deprived mind. Her eyes slid shut and a sigh fell from her lips.

"Zoro... I miss you," she mumbled, half-asleep.

She felt his hand rest on her back, felt it slide up to squeeze her shoulder.

"I miss you too, Lana," he grumbled softly.

Lana would never know if the moment was a dream or not. Sleep claimed her fully, a ravenous abyss she was helpless to escape after such a long, anxiety-ridden night.

____________________________________________________

<== Previous Chapter

Next Chapter ==>

== First Chapter ==

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Who's going to bring up Geto first? I'm really curious about Gojo opening up to her about this in particular.

In another note, will Gojo ever know about Nanamin kissing our girl? And if so... Is it going to be a funny anecdote or is it going to bring a lil bit of drama/jealousy?

OOF you're literally comin' out the gates SWINGING with these two HEAVY HITTERS.

OKAY. I'm here for it lol I'm putting the answers under a cut because I apparently am incapable of actual short answers 🙃

1.) Who brings up Geto first?

Short answer: Gojo

With Geto, it's going to be... complicated lol.

In Rinko's eyes, there will never, ever be anyone who can replace Geto for Gojo. She sees herself in a solid second place forever. And honestly? She's okay with that.

It's going to be multiple conversations over time. Gojo is going to bring it up because she doesn't ever want to push him to talk about something she knows is so painful for him. But because Geto was the only other person he ever trusted completely, saw as a moral compass even, that kind of wound is going to take a lot of conversations and it's going to complicate things so much for him as he tries to navigate life with her by his side.

2.) Will Gojo ever know about Nanami kissing Rinko and if so, how will it go?

Short answer: He's going to find out. And it's really not going to go well.

Nanami is a different beast when it comes to jealousy for their relationship. He will become one of her very best friends, on an equal level with how close she is with Shoko. He is like a brother to her and he sees her as a complete dumbass older sister. But that's how Rinko and Nanami see it.

When it comes to jealousy, neither Rinko or Gojo actually gets jealous most of the time.

They joke about it, Rinko riles him up by teasing him about someone being better at making her cum. But he's very confident that he's the best she's ever had.

But, remember that there's one thing Rinko has already established for herself and Gojo knows it well: She'll never date a non-sorcerer because of how complicated that would be. She'll never commit to someone she can't be honest with.

And that's the reason Nanami is, in Gojo's eyes, a potential threat. Because he's a Jujutsu Sorcerer, he knows Rinko, and Gojo also knows that Nanami is likely interested in settling down one day and could offer that to her and he'll eventually start to fear that as a real possibility.

We just saw what happens when he gets a lil jealous of her going on a date in Hollow Echoes and it's going to go even worse than that because she isn't going to take shit from him over it.

I've actually got it mapped out, SO, I'll give you a lil preview of him being upset she had dinner with Nanami long after they already realized it would never work:

“I don’t tell you every time I have dinner with Shoko, either. I don’t have to tell you anything. And I fucking knew you’d get into a pissing match with him. I’ll have you know, I went on a few actual dates with him years ago-” “Did you fuck him?” he asked, his eyes darkening now. “What if I had?” she challenged, for once not doing it to push his buttons. “You really do have some fucking nerve to try to think you have any say in who else I fuck." Glaring at his hazy eyes, she continued. "As for dinner with Nanami this time, we grab dinner occasionally because we’re friends and he enjoys my company - as he should because I’m a goddamn fucking delight - and he missed the last train so he slept on my couch. I don't even know why you'd care-” “Because you’re mine,” he hissed, his eyes clearing for just a moment as he spoke. “Because I-” “I’m no more yours than you are mine,” she snapped, poking him in the chest. “It’s one thing to say that shit while we’re having sex-”

And yeah, that's just a tiny bit of this conversation 🙃🙃 I'll let you guess when this'll be lol

Thank you for your questions!!! Hopefully my rambling makes at least a bit of sense.

Read Another Level on AO3 :)

[eriexplosion]

Just finished the finale and I am going to eAT PLASTIC.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. WAS BAYLAN'S PLAN. I am going to throttle something they clearly were setting up for season two and now they are in a fucking PICKLE about that aren't they? The thing is that I fucking adore Baylan and now I'm EXTREMELY nervous we will never find out his deal because they haddddd to stretch it between two seasons.

Overall though, I did enjoy it, though again would have liked to see more of Baylan and Shin - they're just delightful to watch and I'm obsessed with seeing more of them. I love that Shin upon being set loose immediately decided fuck the Empire she's going to go JOIN SOME BANDITS. Feral queen. Morgan's death was unfortunately very underwhelming, that was one part that didn't click well for me.

One thing that really, REALLY stood out this season aside from those two though is that I think they got the absolutely perfect Ezra casting. Eman did so damn good and really tapped into the Ezra charm perfectly and he looks. EXACTLY like Ezra's dad in a way that makes me so emotional. And of course, I loved his reunion with Hera though I think he spent a little too long wandering around in a stormtrooper helmet. Baby boy you are so lucky they didn't shoot on sight what are you THINKING?

When he patted Chopper though ;_; I hope we get to see Chopper actually do things next season. Let the droid commit crime, he craves it and so do I.

Sabine finally using the force to pull her lightsaber in was a good moment, but when she went from that to JUMP AND I'LL BOOST YOU :D I was still just. Let's not get TOO confident now.

Still, I really love the addition of the idea that anyone can learn to use the force, some just have more innate talent, like. I love that. The idea that the force is in everything but only SOME people can learn to connect with it felt... a little empty in a way. Like yeah the Force is in everything but you're either born special enough to feel it or you're not. Having it be a talent anyone can connect with just makes it feel like a more integral part of the fabric of life.

And the KANAN MENTION. WAILING. He only got brought up directly a couple of times, but that means it hit much harder when he did get brought up.

Also Sabine literally never mentioned what she did to Ezra other than 'it's complicated' and that is so funny to me. Just go through your motions and refuse to answer and one day he will be flung back to regular space and you will still be here and now you don't have to explain at all!

I just would be more satisfied with this ending if we had ANY idea of how they are going to handle the Baylan Problem because he is so intriguing and played so well and they LITERALLY. DID NOT. TELL US ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING? WHY?

[maxfaiden]

Regarding Curseforge

"Alternative Download." This creator's post from the Summer of 2023 (before we were fully aware of Overwolf's allegiance), only had the DOWNLOAD link which landed you at a similar destination; more recent appearances of "DOWNLOAD" on their posts go to Patreon). I would much prefer people be upfront about their greed and disregard for humanity than try to obfuscate it.

For anyone not aware, download URLs that begin with the above/following URL are Curseforge direct download links.

https://edge.forgecdn.net/

I wanted to add this to the conversation since I haven't seen it mentioned/reiterated where the Curseforge boycott was concerned.

That said, I am pretty observant, but recently, I had two incidents that made me realize I needed to be more diligent when it comes to engaging with CC. I have a side blog, half of which serves as a cc finds blog, but it's more of a read later because I only spare enough of a glance at the cc to determine whether I'm interested or not before I add a cursory tag or two and reblog it.

The first incident was when I was about to reblog a post and realized that one of the download options read Curseforge. Why in that moment did I notice? Can't say for sure. How many others have I blindly reblogged since the beginning of November '23 when I was made aware of Overwolf's stance? Not sure about that either, but both are at least partially due to DL links often being under a cut and me not wanting to spend more time on a cursory task than my brain currently has the wherewithal for. Also, since the beginning of the EA partnership, Curseforge was quite tedious for me (I'd rather go vault diving), so I generally ignored it.

Executive function deficits aside, I still feel a sense of responsibility and will hold myself accountable for my lack of due diligence. I've promised myself that I'll begin taking the same care with CC reblogs that I do with topical reblogs on my primary account.

While moving ahead with deliberation, the second incident occurred and that was how I encountered the post at the top.

Since both posts were courtesy of aggregate blogs, I decided to check out the FAQ/About/Bios of those blogs as well as a few other finds blogs to see if any of them updated their info with a statement about Curseforge links. None had. So I decided to submit the following ask to them:

Can you commit to no longer reblogging posts that include a link to Curseforge?

Even if they include an alternate link, the creator is still in a position to benefit from a company whose parent entity supports the genocide of Palestinians.

You can find more context here: https://armoricaroyalty.tumblr.com/post/739972677769510912/why-is-the-sims-community-boycotting-curseforge

Initially I asked them to "consider", but I realized that for this, consideration was not enough, so I changed it to "commit".

I'm not trying to get into it with anyone--I prefer to leave the drama on the page--but I felt that asking was the least I could do. I'm not naming any names until a reasonable amount of time has passed. You'll either read an announcement from the finds blog or see an answer to my ask on your dash or I'll take their silence as complicity and post that X-amount of time has passed since I approached X-blog and they still have not responded.

My ultimate goal here is just to share what I've encountered as well as be a reminder to anyone who may have similar scrolling and cc habits and would prefer not to support genocide, to try be a little more deliberate in their actions: Go under the cut, hover over links before clicking to confirm where they lead, and maybe ask their local finds blogs if they will commit. Every little bit counts.

[lyrakarma]

Welcome to the Lair!

Welcome one and all to the lair of Lady Karma! Whether someone's wronged you, or committed blasphemy against the gods, Lady Karma has your back!

Although...she can be a bitch at times.

Anyhow...before we go any further let's lay down some blog rules shall we?

1. No Fandom drama. I dont tolerate that crap. However if you wanna vent about Canon or whatever feel free to message me and I'll listen.

2. No political/social shit. The real world sucks, we can all agree on that. I'm on here for fun, not to be lectured.

3. This is mostly an OC blog but I'm more than willing to rp as the moon boys too if interested. My blog is is oc and Canon friendly. Respect others portrayal of Canon characters and OCs.

4. I don't tolerate any kind of intolerance on here, any -ism or -phobia isn't allowed. Kinda mad I still have to say it.

5. Please be patient. I'm trying to get back into RPing and I'm also living life. If I don't get back to a plot line right away I'm very sorry. My life is busy and I try to make time for everything.

6. I do have the right to turn down or not answer rp requests and asks. I will use it.

7. Don't be an asshole. If your characters only personality trait is being a jerk, then you need to work on them. My character doesn't exist to be your character's punching bag. Thank you.

8. This isn't my only blog. I may be more active on one of my others than this one, and I don't always get notifications from here (I'm on mobile so yeah...) if I don't get to you in a timely fashion I'm sorry.

9. Inappropriate/triggering/NSFW stuff will be tagged. However I don't generally write smut/love scenes like that unless they're relevant to the plot (I.E a first time, someone gets pregnant, etc...). I'm not your porn source.

10. At the end of the day, this is all about fun and that's what I want it to be. Feel free to plot with me if you want, or if you just wanna chat, feel free to DM me!

With rules out of the way, character profile is under the cut!

Name: Lyra Shelby (however wants to legally change her last name to Lockley)

Age: in her early to mid 30s

Height: 5 foot 3 inches, so rather short

Important info: Lyra is the avatar of Mafdet, the goddess of divine retribution. Being a cheetah goddess, Lyra has many feline like abilities. She has super speed, advanced senses, and her nails elongate and harden into claws. She grows ears and tail when she shifts to her hero persona.

Relationship status: considers herself married, though she doesn't have her husband's name or ring...it's complicated.

Orientation: female, she/her pronouns, panromantic, demisexual, polyamorous.

Unlike the Moon Knight system, Lyra's avatar status is a family affair. The Goddess Mafdet is cursed, bound to the bloodline of her first priestess by her ex lover, ironically Khonshu, God of the moon. The two still go at it at times, and their situation is more complicated with their avatars being "married".

Lyra considers herself a married woman, though she can't legally marry her "husband", Jake Lockley. Jake is a part of the Moon Knight system, which contains three different personalities in one body: Marc Spector, Steven Grant, and of course Jake Lockley. Marc, the main personality, is still married to his wife Layla, and Lyra doesn't wish to interfere with that. That being said, all three of them live together after learning about Jake and Lyra. Its a complicated situation but they all make it work.

When she's not doing superhero work, Lyra is an author and independent journalist, with a few books out and is currently working on a new one. Shes bilingual, speaking both English and German. Lyra also understands some Spanish thanks to Jake, though she herself doesn't speak it.

Like the Moon Knight system she also comes from a history of abuse, from a mostly absent, military oriented father and a stepmother who mistreated her. She has siblings but she doesn't talk to them all that much anymore. Bringing them up is a bit of a sore subject for her, as she has deep seated resentment and desire for revenge against them (which is how she emerged as Mafdets avatar to begin with). Shes in therapy but it only barely helps keep the resentment at bay...

[quickspinner]

I just realized that Beautiful Dreams hasn't been updated since 2020, and it's not in your WIP updates anymore. Are you still planning to finish that one? I know it's been a while. I love all of your works, and I just reread what there is of that one.

The short answer is that I don't consider it abandoned, I do still intend to finish it, but I'm not actively working on it right now. I have hopes for the fall, when all my offspring-related obligations will be grouped together instead of spread over the whole day. Hopefully I should have more consecutive hours of free time.

All my excuses are under the cut 😂

2020 derailed everything. Beautiful Dreams is a bit emotionally heavy and I found that really hard to deal with in 2020. I also made the mistake (?) of posting Killer Combo while I was still working on it, and it turns out I really can't handle working/updating two multichapter projects at once. KC was lighter and therefore easier to work on so it got finished first. From there it was just one thing after another, some of them (many of them) self-inflicted and some health or family related. But as of right now, I have a bunch of unfinished fics that were either gifts or exchange pieces for friends and I really want to finish those, all of which (except apparently Indelible which got much, much, muchmuchmuch bigger than I expected when I started posting it) first. I want to finish Indelible and Guard My Heart, which are the two most complicated/intensive stories I have on the go, before I even think about getting back into Beautiful Dreams. BD just takes up too much mental space to share with those fics and still make any progress. Live With It and The Magic of You shouldn't be nearly so much work to finish so hopefully I can make some progress on those in between the big stuff and they won't be an impediment to getting back to BD.

Right now I have so little writing time that I've been focusing almost exclusively on Indelible. The end, while maybe not exactly near, is in sight on that one and I am extremely ready to check it off the list. 😆

So that's where we are at the moment. You never know what could change, but for now, don't expect updates to BD until Indelible and Guard My Heart are finished. I am doing the LBSC exchange this year, but having learned my lesson with GMH (which I have only managed to leave unfinished this long because @livrever is a dear friend and graciously patient) I'll definitely be doing something I can accomplish by the deadline. Other than that, I don't plan to commit to anything else until the published WIPs are done. That doesn't mean there will be no fics other than that in the meantime. I'll probably do another birthday big bang type thing, for example. No commitments to other people though until the current commitments are settled! Again, I have some hope for the fall that schedules will be more in my favor, but who knows what else might have happened by then. 🤪

Beautiful Dreams has always been a passion project I was really excited about and I would be devastated not to finish it, so I'm not admitting defeat yet. It helps to know people still care about it, so thanks for letting me know you still enjoy it!

[bisluthq]

the it wasnt sexy until it wasnt forbidden is from mattys pov dumbass anon 😭 like he dipped once she was all in on them being together….

if we wanna label people as cheaters based off of song lyrics tho then mr joe alwyn is a big big cheater according to the lyrics on hoax because how do you explain “your faithless love is the only hoax i believe in”? 🤠

taylor mentioning a “her” in the great war and sll…i could go on and on

either label both as cheaters or accept the fact that we will probably never know what exactly happened them and stop making assumptions

?? How is it from Matty’s POV??? “And I'll say, "Good riddance" / 'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden” when does it change from I back to him speaking and why would you think that??? She says she doesn’t know why he dipped (she offers a lot of theories up) and then she says when he finally tells her in fifty years time she’ll answer good riddance because it wasn’t sexy once it wasn’t forbidden. Pretty straightforward lyric dude. Also why would it be forbidden for Matty lmao like he was single/fucking around. He could fuck or talk to whoever tf he wanted to. SHE was the one who wasn’t supposed to be with him.

hoax is a very complicated songs about multiple situations all interwoven together and she’s said this verbatim. It’s a pretty song and it was her trying to do something different and just write lyrically and beautifully about many different things to that track so idk that I’d take any of it literally. It’s giving that one anon who keeps saying she “confesses” to being a functional alcoholic in Fortnight (she does probably drink too much but she absolutely confessed no such thing - the whole song is very very very metaphorical and set in a fantasy tbh).

The Great War quite clearly says she accused him of shit he didn’t do (which she’s said lyrically repeatedly - that’s also the premise of Afterglow). Now, maybe he’s the best most ninja cheater ever and very good at gaslighting but I struggle to believe that she spent YEARS trying to catch him and never did and no one ever stepped forward to be like “yeah I at minimum talked to him here are the screenshots” either while they were together or after the breakup. We KNOW who Taylor cheated with. Joe cheated with… figments of people’s imagination. (And I HAVE SAID many, many times that evidently there’s something he was doing wrong because she wasn’t able to get over her insecurities and jealousies for sooo many years so clearly he either has poor boundaries with female friends, or he’s just got a very flirtatious manner, or something but that shit’s def on him - doesn’t mean he ever did anything but it’s fucked that she spent that many years worried about it).

In SLL she talks about how he’s with her in HIS DREAMS dude loooool like idk man. She was emotionally cheating on him and had been worried about many girls since the beginning. It sounds more like projection than something she figured out. (And she acknowledges that because it’s “you’ll find someone” not “you’ve found someone” whereas SHE HAD found someone). Also what’s so trippy about emotional cheating (which is what she accuses him of there) is you can’t possibly know unless they get together with the other person or they tell you (and there’s no way Joe told her). So like… how could she know who is with him in his dreams? 😩 It’s probably like young Marion Cotillard lmao but that doesn’t mean he’s a time traveler fucking young Marion Cotillard 😩😩😭😭

We won’t ever know exactly what happened but here’s what we do know with zero assumptions: Taylor at least emotionally cheated and dumped Joe to be with Matty. Joe is willing to go on record to say from his end it was a fully committed relationship for six and a half years (sure, he could be lying but like why lol?) Taylor previously accused him of things he didn’t do and was irrationally jealous (per her lyrics - or as I said earlier he’s the best gaslighter in the world lol). Some assumption but really minimal: something about how Joe behaves made her super insecure and act a bit psycho and yes that’s also on him.

Also humor me - why would it be better from Taylor’s end if he was also cheating? Let’s say he was and she could prove it. Why didn’t she just… leave lol. Why did she get her own side piece? How are you defending her by being like “well maybe he was cheating too because the voices in her walls told her so” - maybe he was lol idk, why didn’t she just leave then? I’m reminded of that anon who tried to defend Joe by saying “maybe he never even proposed” like okay maybe so that makes him a worse person. Maybe Joe did cheat first but Taylor’s cheating still makes her a shitty person and if she stayed while he was cheating and got her own side piece it makes her kinda stupid to boot and also idk why she wouldn’t just flat out say it and tell us what he did and how she caught him.

[mprimn]

If I were to make an excuse for why I haven't uploaded anything in a month, this game is to blame.

The new idolm@ster game? Nah, I'm not playing that. I'm already busy with Star Rail and other stuff. The system also looks complicated. I don't want to touch any game like umamusume ever agaiー

Errr, what just happened...? And why is it 2am now...?

That, and this weird guilty feeling where if I haven't completed my homework, I shouldn't be writing here. I've been getting a lot of assignments where I have to write at least a thousand Japanese character report for multiple subjects. I don't have the mood to do some of them right now, so I decided to write something here instead (if I keep on waiting to finish all my work, I'll probably never get to update this blog).

As much as I wanted to complain about how unfair it is that the English class only has to write 500 words for the same subject for the millionth time, I should be talking about other things like how I went to Tokyo with my fellow university friends.

Going to Tokyo wasn't in my weekend plan, but I'm still too nervous to travel by myself so I came along for experience. Some of our classmates are currently studying in Tokyo, so they kindly allowed us to stay at their dorm. We went to this fair that has a theme of our country only to be disappointed at how bland the food taste. It was also getting crowded, thus we moved elsewhere.

We spent half a day walking around Tokyo, looking for specific spots that was used as background in the movie Kimi no Na Wa because my friend is a huge fan. She made me take a lot of pictures for her even though I know nothing about how to take a good photo (whoever travels with her was destined to become her personal photographer at least once or more).

She kept saying she gained weight and that she looks fat but I honestly couldn't tell. To each their own, I guess.

This photo was a quick one I did before having to take a video of my friend walking up and down the stairs. There were less than 10 tourists there including us so we all had the place to ourselves. I might've gotten a cleaner shot without people if I waited a bit longer but I'm happy with this one.

On the last day before going back, we went to Harajuku with other friends of a friend (I couldn't remember who is who anymore). I volunteered to take care of our bags because every coin locker in the train station was full so while my friend went shopping, I was sipping iced cocoa in starbucks. I wasn't in the mood to walk and I've been here before anyway. I even completed half of my assignment while waiting for them too.

Apparently, the hardest part of travelling to Tokyo was actually the way back. The way we had to rush onto one of the last few buses of the day to get back to our dorm. Thank god we made it because I'd rather commit unalive than having to walk while dragging a large suitcase for a whole hour. The poor junior who went with us almost couldn't make it back as he was late by a few minutes. Me and my friend thought he had to sleep at the station for the night.

I immediately became busy for the next 3 weeks. I had to prepare for a presentation about "something interesting I found in town", went on 2 field trips for different classes that I have to write those long reports after, got addicted to a new game(?), and went to do an interview for the part time job.

To my surprise, they accepted me even though I intentionally screwed up half of my quiz answers. I was starting to get lazy because after recording my expenses for 2 months, I found out that I can survive without getting a job. Though, I'm more than glad to have some extra cash to compensate that 50k yen taxi fee and to cover my foolish purchases in the future, which might as well be now since my junior just pointed out that there actually is an animate where we live.

Looking forward to snatch some gakumas goods if they don't sold out. First time I went there only Sena, China, and especially Sumika were left. And I thought she's the popular one...

[lucyglassesstuff]

Who are we meant to be?

What are we meant to do?

I think- I think that what "we are meant to do" is simply what we want to do.

It's a question that on a first glance might seem really complicated to answer.

With too many possible answers.

I think it is.

We're all meant to be, to do, something different.

And I know asking you "well, who do you want to be, what do you want to do?" Is not an easier question to answer if you feel as lost as I once felt.

Fear not tho, it actually is simpler than it seems.

But where does that fear come from? Because I was most certaintly scared, no matter how many times I got assured by anyone and everyone that everything was going to be okay.

For me- fear came from many places. I was scared of making a wrong choice, of being wrong about what I wanted and end up committing to something that made me miserable.

That fear still comes up every once in a while but is no longer all consuming. Is not draining my entire existence.

That's a win in my books.

But going back to the main idea, I think we're literally meant to do what we want to do.

Want.

Yes, want.

The key word is want.

And wanting is more a feeling than anything else.

So- you don't think about what you want, you feel it.

If your immediate answer to "what do you want to do?" was "sleep" or "eat" or "watch twilight for the 56th time" and it was you being ironic, well... I have news, darling: those are actually your answers. The ones that are supposed to help you solve your problems. Yup.

So, my advice, my very unpopular and controversial advice, is go head and do that- sleep, eat, watch the damn movie.

"But I've got stuff to actually do"

Shush.

I know you do. We all do. Society norms made sure of it.

But you're lost.

Right?

You're not feeling well.

I want you to be your own priority. I need you to be your own caregiver.

And we can discuss this further, because you do need to study to pass the exam of the very expensive career your studying (either money expensive or time expensive or emotionally expensive, or all of the them) so you can get that damned paper that will get you a job that will give you the money that you need to live.

Yes.

You're right, but listen for a second.

It helped me, it may help you. If you're in anyway shape of form able to just stop and take care of yourself.

This is where I need to disclaim that I was indeed in a privileged situation that might look a bit or entirely different to your own, so there's little solutions I can provide to problems I never faced.

Well, honestly I don't think I can provide solutions at all, for anyone, in any situation, but I can tell you about what worked out for me and was very much not what everyone (but one wonderful friend of mine) recommended to me at the moment. And even then, it's just- a really hard advice to follow.

Actually, I ended up following it only after life said "woops, hypothetical earthquake" and my beautiful hypothetical house fell down in pieces. And then I was denied every solution I could have thought of. I had nothing else to do but stop.

So- yeah, I'm tough headed in general. It often takes more than a few hits before something gets through.

But that's besides the point.

Here I'll try to convince you to follow this advice by explain to you why it worked for me.

The advice is: If you can barely find any reason to get out of bed besides "I shoulds", stop.

Stop.

Stop and ask yourself: what do you want?

And this is not the start of me scolding you for being lazy and giving you a motivational talk about how you should push through the mud to get what you want.

No. Hell no. It makes me mad that's even a thing.

I belive you got stuck in the mud because- Well, you're pushing through mud.

Quite literally.

Why are you pushing through mud?

We'll get back to that later.

For now: Stop and determine what do you want.

What do you feel you're wanting, needing?

For me, that list seemed like this:

I want to/need to feel...

- loved

- held

- understood

- accepted

- appreciated

And if you don't know how you want to/need to feel, start with how you DON'T want to/need to feel like:

I don't want to/need to feel like...

- I'm a burden

- I'm selfish

- I'm dumb

- I'm unconsiderate

It can be longer or shorter, but step one will always be stopping, step two, figuring out where you are.

And If you can't, if you're too tired to even think the hows and abouts you ended up where you are, then rest. Sleep. Pretend you're dead. That's all step one.

But if you can make that small list, either mentally or with pen and paper, you've just gotten yourself a small map to get yourself either rested enough to continue pushing through the mud (to get to wherever you were trying to go on the first place) or to just get yourself out of the mud into a prettier, easier to walk on, road (aka my preferred option)

So, yes. Is going to be along talk but for now those are step one and two:

1) Stop

2) What do you want/need?

Also, wants and needs don't need to be complicated at all.

Again, if you want to watch twilight and that's it, go ahead and watch twilight.

If you want chocolate chip cookies and a tropical fruits flavored hot tea that no one likes but you, please, go ahead and engulf those sugar bombs. Chuck'em down with your weird tea.

The point of it is making yourself feel- Not awful.

The ultimate goal is feeling like there is joy in existing once again, but not awful is good enough for a start.

"What if yes, I want to watch Lilo and Stitch right now, but the presentation is tomorrow. I can't waste the little time left on my self-indulgement"

Well, honey, if we're trying to be realistic, you're either too far late, and there's no way you're finishing that presentation by tomorrow or- or you have already done it and you're stressing about details.

Either way, the root problem is that the priority is not you. The priority is the task at hand that is supposed to maintain your life plans afloat.

But who needs to do the task? You.

Who isn't well enough to even do the task? You.

So why isn't the task being done? Because you're too exhausted to do it.

Assuming the task is something you would want to do on a normal day (and the kind of task you would do in a breeze if it was one of those days where your energy-to-exist is actually high, you're inspired to make your goals a reality and live your best life) and you want the end results that task done would bring to you if you got yourself to make them (say: you don't want to study but you want to learn, or you don't want to organize your closet but every time you open it you're drowned on your own clothes and you're so sick of it you've been dressing yourself with the same two outfits for the last two weeks)

I'm pretty sure you're not precisely choosing not to do your tasks- They'll get you what you want right? So why would you avoide them without any reason?

So- you want to do the task, but you're struggling, right?

And also I think understanding this part is important: if not even in your best day you want to do that damn task, you dread it, you hate it, you can't enjoy it no matter what you try, stop and ask yourself why on earth are you doing it on the first place (this, of course, would only apply to tasks you're choosing to put yourself through and can afford to not do. Good examples of where you couldn't do this are medical appointments that are really important for your body's wellbeing, but we can discuss this later too)

So- You see where I'm going?

And yes, I know we do this for what it feels like a good reason (may that be assuring your own safety and security, or the one of those under your care, in wich case I have no experience with), and not a weird fascination for making ourselves suffer (although I do belive we have been conditoned to belive that, so- what I mean is that is not necessarily true: the things that we need to feel secure and safe) but let me tell you something that I'm pretty sure you have already heard and turned a deaf ear to: If you're dying you can't save or keep alive anything or anyone else.

Is actually a very simple concept. Is not even too metaphorical that it would require a poetic mind to understand. There's no deeper meaning: if you're dead, you can't do shit. That's it. It's all.

But to drill it home, there's also a saying that says "you can't light yourself on fire to keep others warm".

Well, you can't light yourself on fire to cook up your goals either.

"But what if I can?"

I thought once that if I tried hard enough, if I was resilient enough I'll somehow, at some point, become fireproof.

I just needed to push harder. For longer. I just needed to endure.

And I think- I think people have done it. I think you could do it. I think I could do it.

But could is not should, and the catch on this is what it costs: it will cost you happiness. It will cost you energy and willingness to live that you won't be getting recharged from anywhere else because achieving your goals became so consuming you quite literally can't or you've just lost your entire sense of self-preservation and can't bring yourself to realize you're fading away.

The catch is- Let's use the fire metaphor for this again: Let's say fire is also your passions and dreams, your drive, your enjoyment and love.

If you become fireproof, you won't be able to feel the fire at all, right? You would become an all achieving, overly productive, human being who has long-forgotten what passion and love and enjoyment feels like because it was consumed by it.

And also, how will you know you're being consumed by flames if you can't recognize you're burning?

(Yeah, I know it's not so good of a metaphor, it has holes, but I'll work on it)

I think lots of us humans have only realized we can't really burn ourselves to death after quite literally letting ourselves just burn for a while.

The truth is you won't become fireproof. You'll just die.

Either physically or spiritually, it doesn't matter. Both are equally fatal.

Although I belive a soul can be recovered.

A dead body not so much.

The point I'm trying to do with this observation is: you're not stupid for trying to do it. We learn by trying and either failing or succeeding at it (there's no success on dying because you got burned btw). That's human nature. And let me remind you: You are a human.

Once more: You. Are. A. Human.

"Nothing in nature blooms all year"

Nothing in nature "succeeds" all the time.

You are a part of nature.

And I'm getting off topic again.

Hell, I even forgotten what my point was...

Oh yeah, the whole reasoning behind why I'm telling you to stop crawling through the mud and start doing what you want to do.

Well the "starting" part we haven't gotten to yet- but we will get there.

Is not a fast and easy (or convenient, really) process, but in my opinion, what you get from it is what's worth the struggle.

Cause I mean- To get out of the mud you have to- Get out.

And getting out will take time and effort too.

I will leave this post here, but there's so much more I want to talk about there'll be more parts to it.

For now, just think about that- why are you pushing through mud? What do you want to do?

And remember, wanting starts from a feeling.

Where's your heart (or gut, or passion, or whatever you wanna call it) pulling you towards?

[jjungkooksthighs]

Dear Alpha, I have been really curious about you ever since we locked eyes durribg our first meet. Consequently, I have a bag full of questions which are all based on one subject, that is, You..

1. What does your favorite scent smell like? Why is it a fav and how does it make you feel?

2. What's your fav weather and why?

3. Do you sing? I somehow feel like you would have the voice of a mesmerising angel. I already drop dead every time I hear to you speak so I can not begin to imagine how ethereal you might sound if you sing..

4. Is/are there any member(s) from the pack that you are very close with other than me?

5. Any siblings that you have? What about your parents, are you close with them? I would loveee to meet then alpha.

Now.. for as few not so safe for public view questions.. You may skip answering these if you feel uncomfortable alpha. I understand.

1. Would you consider yourself to be a masochist and submissive, sadist and dominant, or a switch?

2. I remember you telling me about how you are definitely be into the predator/play dynamics. So, what would you prefer to be, the predator or prey? Why?

3. I recently found out about a certain fantasy that people have called cnc, that is, consensual non consent. Would you be into it?

Side note:-

As much as I love being the brat that I am around you alpha, my desire to get to know you, all of you, will never ever disappear. It will only grow with time. I wanted to let you know, because I never want you to think that I'm merely attracted to you. Sure, I am🙄, but, my want and need and wish to talk to you will only grow with time and I don't think there's anything in this world that will change that. Just remember, I love you 💖

Seems you have quite the arrangement of inquiries for me, don't you, omega?

My favorite smell? That's easy. At least make this hard for me. My favorite scent is you. You smell like the finest concoction of flowers I've ever had the satisfaction of breathing in. You are like a flora that has bloomed into lavender, spruce and rosemary, but also roses, passion flowers and red clover blossoms all rooted together. I do adore the way your pheromones make it flow like water from your pores when you've been freshly fucked. Or when you wake from the night's slumber.

My favorite weather is when the air nips at your skin in the cold of winter. When the temperature has frozen the hydro atoms in the air to the point of crystallization and it is not rain that falls and blankets the earth, but snow. It's always been a favorite past time of mine to roll around in it when my fur has replaced my human skin. Why is it my favorite weather? I suppose it is because sunrises and sunsets are most beautiful when the world is a canvas of white. The gold of the sun that rises and falls is ephemeral in its ascension and reflection of the world beneath it. The frosted lake is a mirror to that which goes beyond it, and the cool air is brisk, yet satisfying on my flesh. I often liked to stand outside and let the snowflakes pepper my skin. There's nothing like the natural, eventual descent of it as it journeys to world beneath it.

I do sing, but it's never anywhere around the pack. No one has heard me. Except for you, though even you have never been awake to hear me from the other side of your window in your old den.

I would say my closest confidante is Namjoon. I have always admired him for his commitment to his cause, but also his natural leadership. If I had not become the Pack Alpha, surely he would have. Much of what I know, I attribute to him. I am grateful for his loyalty to me, but even more so for his continued and ceaseless friendship.

I had a sibling once. He was stolen from me due to sickness. As for my parents...it is complicated. I'll tell you about them another time.

As far as your NSFW questions go, it's a given that I will answer those. I am not uncomfortable in the slightest by anything regarding sex when it comes to you. Surely with how often I'm inside you, you know this.

I consider myself a dominant and a sadist.

Based on my last answer, I think you already know the answer to this one. I would prefer to be the predator. Why? Because I want to be the one on top. I want to be the one in control.

Consensual Non-Consent, hm? Interesting. Namjoon has told me about that one. It sounds fascinating. I would be interested in playing with it, but I would never engage in that unless my mate wanted it as much as I did. It has always been important to me that my omega feels like she can say no as far as sex goes. I would never want her to feel like she was forced into something she could not escape or get out of. Permission is essential, and I never do anything unless I have it.

Your little side note was nice, sweetheart. I already know all of that, but hearing it still makes me feel appreciated and loved. I am glad that you feel the way you do, because I echo those sentiments you share.

[vidalinav]

Okay S/JM stans saying she made it clear that Illyrians are POC in recent books is driving me insane. "Golden brown" is NOT a clear representation because she's also used "golden" to describe white people.

No matter that Cassian without a shirt bordered on obscene, even with the collection of scars peppering his golden-brown skin. (ACOSF)

[Rowan's] skin had deepened to a golden brown—he must have spent time outdoors these past weeks. (QOS)

I could be wrong, but isn't Rowan white? Why is she using golden brown to describe him? Her descriptions are so confusing and her "representation" is one of the worst. There are other characteristics besides skin colour (hair texture, facial features, etc) that she could have used to make it more obvious.

Well golden-brown in this context means tan and there are of course people who are tan no matter what and people who are only tan when they go out into the sun.

I do think her representation needs some work, and quite a bit of it, because it should probably not be interpretable.

But hosab was a tad better about it, so I know she is not completely hopeless or lost. She's just unfortunately white, and unfortunately not consistent, though she can and should get better and she's not absolved from the responsibility, she will probably not be better at it then say reading a book from an author who is a person of color. Perhaps, that's the issue--everyone should be reading more books from people of color.

However, I think with Illyrians specifically, you can't necessarily boil down their representation of race/ethnicity just by their skin color, which I've made a post about. Not even in the real world can you do that but alas... You have to look at how Illyrians are framed in the text socially and culturally, which is slightly different from the rest. You have to see the perspective that other people in the book take on them, which is that they have backwards laws to the protags, traditional values, a rich culture of stories, superstitions, traditions, and community roles. They have a tightknit community that tends to not like outsiders but does have progress, though that progress is not as fast as the protags would want. They don't have spices (which ugh, but I guess they live in the mountains). They live in the mountains. They all for the most part have wings, dark hair, a lot of brown and hazel eyes. They have their own hierarchical structure.

Now yes, you can definitely say well Illyrians are real people in the past, and they're Indoeuropean, but a pretty a quick google search will say that that would make them probably modern day Albanian. Would I consider them white? Racially maybe, but not ethnically. That makes a difference. White unfortunately is a very Western perspective, and unless we want to debate how we categorize race, unfortunately in this day and age, it's not just skin color or facial features or hair texture that causes discrimination and marginalization. Though those things do factor in.

You also have to think that this is a fantasy world. What does race mean in a fantasy world where are social implications are not exactly the same? Of course, we still want an abundance of skin tone variation, and feature variability, because that's biological. But race and ethnicity is often times simplified to mean only facial features, only skin color, etc, but race and then breaking down race to ethnicity in a social context and not a biological one, is language, shared cultural values, clothing, tradition, religion, etc.

I am ethnically Chicana, but I'm racially white. Can I say that I am white? No. Do I look white? No. Will I be treated like someone who is white? Probably not. Is my culture white? Depends. I'm culturally very American, but do I have influences of Cuban and Mexican backgrounds? Yes. Would that influence look different if I was raised in a different country, even another Western one? Yes.

An author will not get kudos for writing someone as a POC, but then write no implications of being a POC. They'll then be writing white characters, telling us they have dark skin, and we'll be saying yay for diversity and inclusion. No! That's not how it works.

It's much more complicated and I implore people to look at not just what characters look like but how they're viewed, the parts in which they're placed in, how complex they are, the narrative that they're given. All of that means something. I find it so much more valuable to debate how the Illyrians are viewed as backwards to the imperialistic main characters, who for some reason don't like their own culture but use the people from their culture quite often for war, then to debate whether we can consider them POC or not by the several different shades of brown she could have used.