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immaturityofthomasastruc · 3 years ago

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IOTA Reviews: Sole Crusher

Well... It's finally here... the episode introducing the new bee hero. And what do you know? It looks like I was right about how the new character would be portrayed.

It's kind of funny how I made predictions exaggerating what could happen, and they were surprisingly accurate. Isn't that funny?

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Let's just get into the seventh (chronologically the seventh and the seventh episode in the season to air after “Mr. Pigeon 72”) episode of Miraculous Ladybug's fourth season: Sole Crusher. Damn, I hate that a pun this clever was used for the title.

We get to the point pretty quickly with the first scene being Zoe arriving in Paris and getting a tour of the city. She asks to stop at the Dupain-Cheng bakery, where she meets Marinette through some brief Unfunny Marinette Slapstick. The two quickly strike up a conversation.

I mean, it's not like Zoe is the sister of the absolute worst human being in existence, right?

Marinette compliments Zoe's shoes, and she points out that she designed them herself, and wrote every good thing anyone has ever said to her on them. But because she only has one friend, there's only a standard “I <3 U” on the left shoe.

So Zoe leaves the bakery and heads to Le Grand Paris where she meets her mother, Audrey. Unlike how she talked with Marinette, Zoe pretends to be just as snobby as Audrey in order to fit in. She then meets up with Chloe, who criticizes her for having poor person things like a phone without any diamonds embedded in it. And then she sees Zoe's shoes.

Look, that meme was already dated when it was referenced in Black Panther three years ago. Please don't try to reference memes in 2021, Miraculous Ladybug.

Chloe offers some golden heels while saying that those kind of shoes are for winners to wear and crush the losers underneath. This is the only episode to mention this kind of ideology, and believe me, it gets worse when Chloe decides to teach Zoe how to be like her.

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Get used to this. This episode is all about demolishing any semblance of likability in Chloe's character. Now that Astruc doesn't have to bother with writing Chloe with decency since she's not Queen Bee, watch as he turns her into an absolute caricature of her former self.

Yes, Chloe has ordered her father to give her a lot of frivolous things in the past, but she has been shown to care about him, like immediately rushing to hug him after she was safe in “Origins” and showing concern for when he was akumatized into Malediktator while apologizing for causing it. For the love of God, one of the first things she did when she allied with Hawkmoth at the end of Season 3 was to have him unto her parents' akumatization. I guess she only cared about her rich parents for their status and not because she actually loved them right?

Next up on the list of Chloe's positive qualities to ruin is her friendship with Sabrina.

🎶It's seven o'clock in the morning🎶 🎶I can't believe they made this scene🎶 🎶With the writing Astruc's enforcing🎶 🎶It's like he's trying to piss off me🎶

Yep, Chloe doesn't view Sabrina in a twisted view of friendship anymore. Now she's a slave. I'm not exaggerating by the way, he actually said that in a tweet.

THIS IS WHAT THOMAS ASTRUC ACTUALLY BELIEVES

Okay, so I guess all those times we saw Chloe playing superheroes with Sabrina in “Antibug” and “Miraculer” were just a slave driver playing with their property. Actually apologizing to Sabrina for getting her akumatized in those episodes? Protecting her from the Scarlet Akumas in “Ladybug”? She was just interested in keeping her slave around. I think Astruc may have slept through the slavery unit in his history class. Yes, Sabrina was mostly used as a joke to show how controlling Chloe could be, but there were still semblances of an actual friendship between the two.

Chloe arrives at school and introduces Zoe as her half-sister, despite being the same age and having the same mother. Because I guess we can add basic biology to the list of things the writers don't understand. Now that we're at school, Chloe's friendship with Adrien is next up on the chopping block.

Yep, despite being Adrien's only friend and making a big deal about valuing his friendship to the point where she threw a big party just to make sure he wouldn't leave her and risked cooperating with an Akuma to save him, now Chloe just sees Adrien as a rich meal ticket. Two of the earliest episodes to show Chloe had a more compassionate side to her, and they just undid them. Even as much as I hated the episode, “Felix” showed Chloe was willing to cooperate with Marinette and her friends just to find a way to cheer Adrien up on the anniversary of his mother's not-death.

For the love of God, Astruc, 1984 was supposed to warn people about what could happen if they rewrote the past, not encourage people to rewrite the past. He probably finished Animal Farm thinking Snowball really did work alongside the humans, didn't he?

Marinette comes up and Zoe pretends to hate her, leading Marinette to wonder why she did that. She texts Zoe (she gave her number to her earlier) and invites her to a concert on the Liberty, but Chloe finds out. Zoe thinks fast and pretends it's just so she can torment her more. Chloe then takes out a book listing all the ways she can torture Marinette. I wonder if this is a metaphor for the writing process behind most of the episodes last season.

Zoe decides to go outside for some fresh air, and Andre comforts her. Funny how Andre bends over backwards to give Chloe whatever she wants, yet he's willing to actually talk to Zoe like an actual parent. Andre tries to cheer Zoe up, but she talks about her past where she had to put on an act so she would be liked, but (bet you've never heard this before) she just wants to be accepted for who she truly is. The surge of emotions is enough for Shadowmoth to akumatize her into Sole Crusher.

In addition to having one of the most clever puns for an Akuma name, I actually like Sole Crusher's design. Not only is it a good excuse to reuse Chloe's character design, it makes sense thematically, as Chloe was trying to mold Zoe into a copy of herself. The gold and diamonds also make sense given Chloe's love for shiny things. Her powers tie into the bizarre belief Chloe has about stepping on the winners. Whenever Sole Crusher kicks or steps on someone, she absorbs them and gets progressively bigger, making it easier to do so. While it's not cracking my top ten anytime soon, it's still an interesting character design.

Sole Crusher heads to the hotel to get Chloe, and she manages to get away pretty quickly. Maybe in an alternate universe, she's a track star? For some reason, she runs to the Dupain-Cheng bakery and then... Oh my God... pushes Marinette's parents so they get absorbed by Sole Crusher, before trying to do the same with Marinette.

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When has Chloe ever done something like that? Whenever she endangered someone during an Akuma attack, it was unintentional or a result of her naivety. She was only trapped in Pixelator's dimension because Adrien tried diving to save her, she only alerted Rogercop to Ladybug's presence because she eagerly called out for her, and during “Zombizou” she only tried to throw Sabrina towards the horde of kissing zombies once, and that was meant to highlight her growth. The only person to actually do stuff like this consistently is Lila, but I guess she got vaporized by Big Brother offscreen.

This episode is determined to make the audience hate Chloe by retconning everything about her character while portraying her as a complete monster. As bad as Chloe could get, she was never selfish enough to use anyone as a human shield. This kind of behavior honestly could be explained by saying Chloe was lashing out as a result of losing the Bee Miraculous permanently, but the events of the Season 3 finale aren't mentioned ONCE, not even in the next episode that introduces Queen Bee's replacement! How the hell can you set up the next Bee hero without explaining why the original needs to be replaced in the first place?! And trust me, I'm going to talk about Zoe replacing Chloe later.

Sole Crusher grabs Marinette in her hand, so the Horse Kwami, Kaalki, uses her power to teleport over to Adrien's house and inform him Ladybug needs help, meaning once again Adrien did nothing in this episode before becoming Cat Noir.

At the Liberty, Chloe offers more victims to Sole Crusher in the form of the band Kitty Section (consisting of Luka, Juleka, Rose, Ivan, and Mylene) and theatens the giant golden supervillain she can send her back to Paris, even though she's really not in a position to bargain right now. And she STILL continues to insult her. Do you hate Chloe yet? Come on, do you? The writers won't stop until you do.

After we see Sole Crusher's conflicted emotions, Marinette is set free by Cat Noir and transforms into Ladybug, immediately summoning her Lucky Charm, a shoehorn. They only learn Zoe's sneakers were where she were akumatized thanks to Chloe's ranting, so the episode unintentionally made Chloe save the day. Ladybug breaks into Le Grand Paris and breaks the sneakers where Zoe hid them, using the shoehorn to open a door. So Sole Crusher is de-evilized, Ladybug fixes the damage, and gives yet another charm to Zoe.

Afterwards, Zoe goes to the Liberty, apologizes for the act she put on, all while divulging to the audience her “tragic backstory”.

Of course, everyone welcomes her with open arms.

And right here is where the biggest problem I have with Zoe as a character. I normally hesitate to use this term given how often it gets thrown around when criticizing characters these days, but I really can't say anything else.

Zoe... is a Mary Sue.

For those who don't know, the term Mary Sue originated in a Star Trek fanfiction from 1973 satirizing several self-insert stories at the time. Most of these stories showed a beautiful young woman joining the crew of the Enterprise and immediately gaining the attention of the crew. Mary Sue parodied this character archetype by showing how much she was appreciated by Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, the latter being driven to tears at her funeral despite his species being emotionless normally.

What does this have to do with Zoe? She has the exact same storyline as Mary Sue in the parody fanfiction. Her mere presence is enough to make Chloe act extremely out of character in an attempt to make her look better, and as soon as she apologizes while giving a frankly vague backstory, everyone just accepts her as their friend, and I mean everyone in the entire class. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't feel earned. Why was she bullied at her old school? What did her bullies have against her? What caused her to stop going along with her peers, and why did everyone turn against her? How the hell did the bullies who put cockroaches in another student's locker get no punishment while the victim was forced to transfer schools? It's an intentionally unclear backstory designed to make the audience feel sympathetic towards Zoe without actually doing anything else.

I want to ask anyone reading this who watched the episode a question: Outside of her backstory, what do we actually know about Zoe?

What is her personality like? She's nice? Socially awkward? We've never had a character like that in Miraculous Ladybug before! Sorry Marinette, Adrien, Juleka, Nathaniel, Mylene, and Marc, there's a new character with more personality than all of you combined!

What are her goals? She wants to be an actress? Great, but why? Even though there's no clear answer for why Marinette loves fashion, or why Alya loves journalism, or why Nino loves DJing, you can still see the passion in their lives when they do something related to their goals. Zoe only says she wants to be an actress, connecting it to her people pleaser backstory (and given how it ended, she must be a terrible actress), and in the next episode, she immediately gets the lead role in a student film.

When Mylene got the starring role in the movie in “Horrificator”, we at least got snippets of her acting skills in the same episode that established her desire to be an actress, which is also implied to be because she was inspired by her father in “The Mime”. She didn't just say she wanted to be an actress and got the leading role. She still had problems to overcome like her cowardice, which threw her own self-confidence into doubt. Here, Zoe just says she wants to be an actress, and is rewarded for no reason the very next episode.

Zoe basically exists only to be a foil to Chloe, and the writers had no idea what to do in terms of a personality, so they just dumped a bunch of extremely likable character traits onto her without thinking of how her character could come off. And like I said, she's a Mary Sue.

I'm not the only one who thinks this. I've seen a handful of posts on this very site calling Zoe a Mary Sue. In fact, I even asked another Tumblr user @anxresi to quote their take on Zoe being a Mary Sue, which I couldn't even top in terms of accuracy. They basically listed off five things that made Zoe a Mary Sue.

She has to have a ‘tragic backstory’ so all the other characters will fall in love with her. Usually within minutes, in the very first episode they’re introduced.

She has to have a supercute design so that the audience at home will fall in love with her. And if they don’t, they’re automatically dismissed as ‘haterz’ even if their objections are purely from a writing POV.

Her only flaw will be thinking too little of herself. “What, lil ol’ me as the Bee Miraculous holder? With my shyness, colorful shoes, chic beret and personalized pink strip in my hair? Gosh, who’d have thought it?”

The contrast to her half-sister will be a constant plot point, with Chloe always getting dumped on. “You see, kids? Bad things happen to bad people. But you see this super-sweet girl over here? She gets a free DAD. Instant FRIENDS. To star in her own MOVIE. The chance to be a SUPERHERO, even though she only arrived last week. Who cares if she has no depth, no personality and barely any reason for being in the show, apart from being a massive ‘Up Yours’ to all the Chloe fans out there?”

What about character development, Mr Generic Zag Guy? “Development? What’s that?! Zoe is already perfect as she is. The only ‘development’ she’ll receive is having her hair done in the first episode she’s introduced. Besides, That‘d’ word is banned here at Zag studios. Why do you think we abandoned Chloe’s stillborn arc so quickly? This is a KIDS show, why bother trying to create a complex character with more than one dimension?”

This is essentially who Zoe is. She's perfect, has no character flaws, has a cute design so the audience will love her already, and was designed only to replace Chloe as Queen Bee. That's all she is.

So the episode ends with Zoe feeling happy at all the new friends she made while we get one of the most blatant attempts of symbolism in the ending card I've ever seen.

See, look. While Marinette is happily talking with Zoe with the image of Ladybug next to them, Chloe is to the far left with an EVIL purple aura, showing how bad she is compared to how great Zoe is. Only a braindead moron would actually like Chloe over the super awesome and pretty Zoe!

I'll give my final thoughts on the episode in the next part where I analyze this plotline as a whole.

LINK TO “QUEEN BANANA” REVIEW

#immaturity of thomas astruc #iota #thomas astruc #thomas astruc salt #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug salt #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug #adrien agreste #cat noir #chat noir #chloe bourgeois #queen bee #queen b #zoe lee #vesperia #sabrina raincomprix #andre bourgeois

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gogglor · 3 years ago

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Cap-Ironman RecWeek: What-If Wednesday

Time for another installment of @cap-ironman rec week! Today’s theme: AU’s.

I know AU’s in different settings are half the reason most people read fanfics, but they’re not really my thing on the whole. AU’s where different choices are made, or different events transpire? Absolutely. Coffee shops? Not my cup of... you know.

So, here’s my AU recommendations for mostly “turn left” scenarios. This time with an under-the-cut break so I don’t take over everyone’s timelines (sorry about that last post). Also with some summaries truncated for length.

Alone Like This

Author: GotTheSilver

Word Count: 7,452

Summary: Steve, post waking up, runs away from SHIELD, and Tony's the one who tracks him down.

Why You Should Read It:

First off, GotTheSilver’s been consistently and regularly putting out solid Stony since 2012 and not only are they not stopping, they’re only getting better. This writer doesn’t get nearly the fanfare I’d expect in Stony circles for someone who puts out this much good stuff, and here’s hoping this post can be a part of changing that.

While I am always a sucker for enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, there’s something to be said for stories where Steve and Tony hit it off right away. And watching these two very different people look at each other and see the same sense of being lost, then finding each other again is... excuse me, there’s something in my eye, ignore me.

Second Chance Lives

Author: raeldaza

Word Count: 43,872

Summary: Tony's gonna die of palladium poisoning anyway, why not join a pointless expedition to recover Captain America’s body? And after, well, why not dedicate his last few months to making sure an American hero settles into his new life? What else is he going to do, get drunk at parties?

Why You Should Read It:

This writer doesn’t write a lot for the MCU but when they do, dang.

“Tony is the one helping Steve acclimate to the new century before Avengers 2012″ is a whole genre of Stony fanfics that scratch an itch I didn’t even know I had before I started reading fanfiction, and this is one of the best ones out there. It’s got it all - Steve poorly coping with his PTSD, Tony poorly coping with his immanent mortality, some breathtakingly poor communication between the two most emotionally stunted men in the MCU, and a cat named Roomba. What’s not to love?

Should You Choose to Accept It

Author: elwenyere (look, you’re gonna be seeing a lot of them this week, sorry-not-sorry)

Word Count: 27,106

Summary: After a terrorist attack and a field operation gone wrong, the Avengers realize that Nick Fury's secrets are just the start of a much bigger mystery. Steve and Tony try to keep some things from each other as well, but that can't possibly affect the mission — right? Mission Fic + Getting Together (or Mission: Getting Together) that mashes up elements from Iron Man 3, CA: Winter Soldier, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season one, and Mission Impossible 3.

Why You Should Read It:

You can see my post yesterday for singing El’s praises, but what I really liked about this fic was how how damn creative it is. The CAWS/IM3/AOS mashup is everything I wished the actual MCU gave us and more, with well-developed characters and an exciting story to put them in. And because it’s El, you know the banter’s gonna be on point, the way the characters care for each other is gonna be emotionally constipated but touching, and the pacing’s gonna be exciting enough to draw you in and keep you there. Also, this fic doesn’t have nearly enough kudos so please go read it and fix that or I’m gonna have to try to hack AO3 and that’ll just be embarrassing for all parties involved.

What Happens In Vegas

Author: sabremc

Word Count: 161,951

Summary: “What the hell, Tony?” Rhodey demanded brusquely. Tony winced and drew the phone away from his ear. “You’ve got cops and Feds all over the hotel. I’m watching you perp walk out of the police station on repeat on CNN. They’re saying you tried to bribe Stern? Fox News has you selling weapons on the black market, and God that picture they’re using is the one from Bali in ’09. You look like shit. They wheeled Stern out and put him in an ambulance, by the way. Got some paparazzi swearing you decked the guy. Now they’ve got ‘copters following it like he’s OJ.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, Sourpatch, I’ve got it covered. Uh, though, I should probably tell you that, purely in the interests of national security and the greater good, I kind of had to fake marry that stripper-gram you sent. Thanks for that, by the way,” Tony added quickly.

Why You Should Read It:

If you’re deep enough into Stony to see posts like this on Tumblr, you probably know sabre’s what we in the business call a “big name author.” They’re prolific, they’re popular, and most importantly, they write words good (technical term). Seriously, sabre just keeps cranking out high quality stuff over and over again, raising the bar for the rest of us like a jerk (not really. I’m not bitter they write stuff so good I wish I’d thought of it first. Not at all.)

I never read stripper!Steve or stripper!Tony as a rule, but this came so widely recommended that I broke that rule and boy am I glad that I did. This is also the only fic on this list that’s a true-AU, with Steve being a non-powered vet from Afghanistan who left his army career to help Bucky and is stripping in Vegas to raise money for a prosthetic arm. He’s booked to do a private show for Tony, shenanigans ensue, and now they’re fake-married. This fic’s got some top-of-the-line banter and character development, but I particularly love it for its rich setting. Sabre paints a Vegas not just with strip clubs and blackjack tables, but KISS-themed minigolf, romantic dinners on the Eiffel tower, gaudy hotel lobbies, and making out on giant ferris wheels. It’s such a richly developed playground for the characters to play on, and through it, Steve manages to find a life for himself he’d given up on, and Tony finds multiple ways to show his kindness and depth of feeling for Steve. I know the word count’s long for this one but trust me, you’ve gotta read this fic.

Wait & Sea

Author: Lenalena

Word Count: 53,244

Summary: In which Tony and Steve get sent on an undercover mission aboard a cruise ship to make contact with Hydra. In this AU the military has kept the discovery and defrosting of Captain America a secret, so Steve and Tony have never met before. Yet they are to pose as newlyweds....

Why You Should Read It:

This one’s old and popular enough to be considered one of the “classic” Stony fics, and for good reason. Lenalena doesn’t write too often and not as much as they used to, but the fics they have up there are an absolute delight.

This is another fic that I skipped a bunch of times for being outside my comfort zone, but when I finally read it I saw why everyone’s so wild about it. In this story, Steve’s defrosted a bit earlier and not revealed as Captain America. He and Tony are sent undercover to sniff out Hydra shenanigans on a cruise and, because it’s fanfiction, they’ve got to pretend to be a married couple while onboard. There’s tons to love about this fic, but the things that bring me back to reading it over and over is first, Tony’s kindness and the way he’s attuned to Steve’s feelings, which... God, just inject “kind, observant Tony” straight into my veins, please and thank you. This is also another really rich setting for a story, and Lena knows how to fold the the hokeyness of the cruise into the seriousness of the mission and the depth of feelings Steve and Tony are finding for each other in a really beautiful, layered way. It’s funny, it’s heartfelt, it’s steamy, it’s gripping... why are you still reading this here? Go check it out for yourself!

Ashes to Ashes

Author: dirigibleplumbing

Word Count: 51,582

Summary: After regrouping following some surprise time travel, the world's heroes and sorcerers come up with a plan to protect the Mind and Time Stones by taking them into space in opposite directions. The result involves a lot more time loops than Steve would like, but at least they're getting a second chance to stop Thanos. (As well as a third, and a fourth...) And if Steve takes the opportunity to try to reconcile with Tony, too—well, they have the time, and Steve's going to make the most of it.

Why You Should Read It:

Dirigibleplumbing’s another name in Stony fanfics that does not get nearly as much fanfare as they deserve. They’re consistently a really creative voice in Stony fanfics and I always look forward to their stories showing me something new. Go read all their fics, I need more people to geek out with me over them.

I tend to limit myself on Steve-and-Tony-mend-things-after-Civil-War fics not because they’re not good, but because they’re so heavy, and also the Sokovia Accords have five hundred layers of crap in them that no good fic could possibly hash out well. This one, though? When you add in the Infinity War/End Game fixit? Poetry. Art. Music to my ears. DP wrote a really engaging, twisty story where it’s hard to predict what’s coming next, in spite of it literally being a pseudo-Groundhog day scenario. The characterizations are great, the story is engaging, and the feelings are big and sad and eventually happy. Go read it, you’ll love it.

I have tons of other recs for this category but this seems like a good place to stop for today. Tomorrow’s Alternative Media Thursday, and I’ve got some real gems I’ve been saving for that day (aaaaand possibly a self-rec or two ;)

#capimrecweek #tony stark #Steve Rogers #stony #fanfiction #MCU #ficrec

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haleigh-sloth · 3 years ago

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uraraka bakugou and todoroki for the ask game, if three characters isn't too much ><

Ahh I did Ochacko already here!

I can do two I think:

Shouto:

favorite thing about them: His rude speech lol. It doesn't show much in the English translations but seeing other people show in their translations how he technically isn't very respectful when he talks to adults is pretty funny.

least favorite thing about them: Don't have one. I lub him.

favorite line: When he said he wants to have a bowl of hot udon with his big bro <3.

brOTP: Don't have one for him and his classmates but, him and Touya. I need to see their brotherhood happen already. Lol.

OTP: I'm not attached to any ship with him. TodoMomo is cute but at the end of the day I'm mostly indifferent to any ship with him.

nOTP: All of them really. I'm just very indifferent and don't care to see romantic content with him and anyone.

random headcanon: Once Touya gets a new wardrobe at home Shouto is gonna steal and wear his clothes without asking. It's gonna piss Touya off.

unpopular opinion: I don't have one honestly? I think the only *maybe* unpopular opinion is in regards to Touya and saying that I think he needs to return to his family and have a real relationship with Shouto, live with him under the same roof, etc.

song i associate with them: Don't have one, I'm sorry!

favorite picture of them: loooove this one

Bakugo:

favorite thing about them: His awareness and his ability to connect the dots on things. During the whole UA traitor plot, the solo-Deku arc when he figured that AM and Deku were out together and that it was going poorly, when AM had crossed out the fourth OFA user's name and quirk and figured it meant possible bad news for Deku.

least favorite thing about them: Hmm, he's not very likable for the entire first half of the series for me tbh. I mean I LIKE him because I knew where his character was going, but he was not a likable person. Idk, I'd say his explosive anger. He could chill out a bit (still kinda blaming Aoyama after finding out what happened....like, chill).

favorite line: don't have one, haven't paid that much attention to him to get one

brOTP: I've enjoyed watching him and Midoriya get over their hurdles. Their relationship was one of my main investments when I first got into the series. Also, this picture just screams sibling energy:

So I mean, BakuDeku brOTP. Just not romantically.

OTP: Listen....I have one. And it's the person I think may actually be Bakugo's endgame (couple wise, since.....everyone will likely get paired off, it's just how it is). But I will not say it until closer to the end of the series. I am so sorry but this will die with me unless it becomes canon LOL. It's a girl btw.

nOTP: Aside from the one I have in mind, I don't really like any Bakugo ships at all. So I guess all of them.

random headcanon: At the end, he and Tomura's personalities are gonna clash and they're gonna piss each other off a lot. Like....I can just see it so clearly, and Midoriya is in the middle like ಠ_ಠ

unpopular opinion: He is not an innocent angel who did no wrong, nor is he the devil who deserves no mercy. There doesn't seem to be any in-between for him in the fandom. Also, imo his redemption arc has been well-done. The way he was Put Through It™️ over and over again as a result of his god awful behavior and the way it slowly led to him chilling the fuck out, I think it all tied together nicely!

song i associate with them: Eh, none. I don't think about him that much (he's one of my top favs but still)

favorite picture of them: this one where he has the same look my dogs do when they spot a squirrel WAY out of their reach

#ask game #bnha asks #anonymous #todoroki shouto #bakugo katsuki

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mcwriting · 4 years ago

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The Marriage Project (10)

Hellooooo! For 300 followers, I decided to drop chapter 10! Please enjoy!

Masterlist

Word Count: 2202

Warnings: maybe some language?

% approximately the last weekend of october %

By the time everyone and their families had gotten to the city and eaten dinner, it was around 8:30 pm, so you and Tom decided to try and knock out your project work.

You sat in the breakfast lounge next to each other at a table as other team members and families conversed. You noticed Nikki and your parents talking and gave Tom a glance.

Since this was your last ever volleyball tournament (at least for high school), your parents had come and you were getting to stay in their hotel room instead of a team room.

You mostly worked silently when you and Tom overheard some people talking about homecoming.

“Who’re you taking to homecoming?” he asked casually. “And don’t say Paddy or Harry.”

You laughed at that one.

“Uhh, no one. I don’t really have anyone to take so guess I’m flying solo with the girls again. Why? Who were you gonna go with?”

“Eh, nobody. The guys brought it up earlier to me and I was just curious.”

“Oh, really? I thought you had girls lined up at your feet. And a couple guys, too.”

“I’m pretty sure I could say the same about you. And you mean freshmen? Yeah right. I’m not about to catch a case, not that I’m remotely attracted to any of them.”

That comment made you laugh again.

“Yeah, well, those same freshmen are the ones spreading rumors about us. It’s stupid. We oughta stick it to them somehow.”

“What are you getting at..?” he trailed, suspicion in his voice.

“I don’t know… What if we just went to the dance together? I mean, we’re already on homecoming court and are most likely gonna win, so what if we just showed up together to annoy them? It’s not like we have to make it some big deal or anything.”

He looked at you for a minute, like he was doing calculations.

“So… you and me, no matter whether we win or not, go together? You don’t think that’s just gonna make things worse?”

“I’m pretty sure anything we do will keep causing rumors so long as we’re doing this project. We don’t have to, I just thought it would be funny to see everyone’s reactions.”

“You know what, let’s do it. There’s nothing for us to lose. Let’s just not tell people we’re going together and then just show up there. If anyone asks just say we’re going solo?” He suggested.

“That’s not going to work completely… what if you came to dinner with me and my friends beforehand? We can surprise them all and then the rest of the school at the dance. It would be really sus if I bailed on dinner and I’d like for your mom to take some pre-dance pictures.”

You decided to shake on it and get back to work, but your stomach was doing the same fluttering it had been the past couple weeks. By the time you two finished, it was just past 10 pm and most of the parents and even some of the team had gone to their rooms.

The only people you knew nearby were Sam and Julia, who were sitting on a chair together watching something on her phone, and of course Tom, who was watching snap videos from friends at the Halloween party that had just started.

“I think I’m gonna head upstairs. Even though top seed doesn’t play the first round, I have to be up kinda early,” you explained as you stood, gripping your laptop across your chest.

“What’s your room number, I’ll walk you up. Some of the people here have been giving me weird vibes.”

“Umm, let me check,” you pulled out your phone with the text your mom had sent earlier. “415.”

“Oh that’s perfect. We’re in 416. Just across the hall.”

You said goodnight to Sam and Julia as you passed and went to the elevator. As you waited, a young couple, probably in their mid twenties came up, obviously drunk. They were dressed up for the holiday, and you were surprised that they were seeming to cut the night short.

“Oh my God babe, look, they’re like younger us!” the girl attempted to whisper, giggling. Your face burned as you glanced at Tom, who looked as uncomfortable as you.

“That’s so dope! How long have you been with this little lady?” the guy said directed to Tom, giving you a once over, as all four of you entered and pressed the buttons to your floor.

“Oh we’re no-” you began when Tom interjected.

“‘Bout a year, man,” he smiled, tossing his arm over your shoulder and pulling you in tight. The elevator doors closed.

You simultaneously wanted to push him away and fall into his tight, warm grip. You decided to play along as you continued to hold on to your computer.

“Best year ever!” you exclaimed, leaning up to give him a peck on the cheek.

“Oh come on! You can do better than that! Kiss him! Kiss him!” the girl egged on. You both chuckled nervously and gave each other a look. There seemed to be a silent consensus to just do it for the bit.

Tom moved his arm to your waist and lightly pressed his lips against yours, smiling as he pulled away. You were left a little stunned as the inebriated couple clapped and cheered.

You could tell they were going to say more when the doors opened on the fourth floor.

“Well here’s our stop. Nice talking to you. Come on, princess,” Tom said, the both of you rushing out of the elevator, his arm still around you.

Once the door closed, you both let out a sigh as you turned down the hall towards your rooms.

“Well that was... weird,” you stated, the both of you walking pretty slowly. You were keenly aware of the way his hand tightly cupped your side as you clumsily knocked into him a few times.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself. Sorry about that. I didn’t know what they were gonna do and that guy had creepo vibes and I panicked.”

“I get it. We are married, after all,” you said quietly, wiggling your left hand. “Well, here’s my room. Thanks for keeping an eye out. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, see you at breakfast. You’re gonna kill it tomorrow,” he said softly, squeezing you in a side hug one last time before letting you go. Your side tingled from where his warm body was no longer touching as you entered the hotel room.

It wasn’t long before you were also saying goodnight to your parents and laying in the dark room, reflecting on the wild day that was Friday.

You knew that back home everyone was still partying, as you’d received pictures and videos of your friends dressed as Guy Fieri, but you’d had a whole different kind of experience, unsure if it was a good or bad one.

Tom’s lips were kinda soft though

And his big hands around my waist fit nicely

You pushed the thoughts away as you finally fell into deep slumber.

You headed to breakfast wearing sweats, a baggy tee, and a pair of socks and slides. Looks were not a priority right now. While you waited on your waffle to finish cooking, someone appeared next to you, yawning.

“Morning, princess,” he muttered, stretching and rubbing his eyes.

“You really aren’t a morning person, are you?”

“Nope. Now how much longer are you gonna be here because I’m in need of a waffle,” he asked, nudging your sides. It seemed as though you were both pretending the previous night had never happened.

Once you both built your plates, you went to sit with some of the team when Tom plopped into the seat next to you. He immediately began digging in, but paused when he realized the whole table was starting at him.

“What’s wrong, you want me to bless the food or something?” he looked to you.

“No it’s just surprising that you’d come sit with us is all,” one sophomore said. “I mean, you’re like the most popular guy in school.”

“Yeah well the real legend is this bit-” your glare stopped him in his tracks, “...I won’t call you that word, but anyways y/n ranks above me. If anything, she’s the intimidating one.”

The girls giggled and went back to their conversations, occasionally looking at Tom still.

“Sorry I almost called you a bitch. I meant it the good way,” he whispered into your ear.

You stared at him for a few seconds as you finished chewing a bite of apple.

“I’m just confused as to why you came over here with all the girls.”

“Well it might come as a shock to say that you’re the only person here that I’m friends with other than Sam, and he’s on thin ice after hogging the bed sheets last night,” he explained, shooting a glare to his younger brother, who was obliviously eating with Julia and his mom.

“Today’s gonna get real boring then if I’m your only friend.”

“Hey, remember our conversation Monday? Cute uniforms?”

You slapped him on the chest for that one.

A long, hard day of games had led up to this moment. A whole season. A big portion of your life.

It was probably between 7 and 8 pm. You weren’t sure. All you knew was that the scoreboard said 24-23 your team. Meaning, one point for you equaled a final win.

You wiped the sweat from your brow as you stood on the back line of the court, nervous and determined.

There were cheers from all sides of the gym as you prepared to serve one last time, hopefully for the better.

The upper ref blew her whistle and motioned her hand for you to serve.

One

Two

Three

bounces on the gym floor. A toss in the air. A slap to the ball.

The ball passed the net and sunk right to the gym floor without a single person touching it.

It took you a second after the whistle blew and the scoreboard changed to realize that you had won the game. You were snapped back to reality by the loud cheers of your teammates and supporters.

The team came and congratulated you, slapping your butt and squeezing your shoulders. They pushed you to the front of the line to shake hands with the other team and refs under the net.

You didn’t realize until the team went into a huddle that there were tears slipping down your cheeks and everyone reached out to love on you and Anna. All those years working for this moment and it had finally ended.

Coach made her speech short and sweet, because you could tell she was holding back tears as she looked between you and your co captain.

The two of you led one last cheer for your team. A tournament official came to hand the team the trophy, give you another tournament MVP medal and both you and Anna all tournament and all state awards. You hung them on your neck proudly, happy to feel their weight.

Upon turning around, the first person you saw was Tom, who had a big smile on your face. You immediately rushed to hug him, jumping a little into his arms.

“Told you you could do it!” he exclaimed, wrapping his arms over your sweaty frame. You pulled away, arms still loosely holding each other. He casually brushed the residual tears from your cheeks.

“And what’s this? Some new ice?” he asked, grabbing all three medals in one hand. He raised one up pretending to bite it.

“My drip is just too clean,” you joked, flipping your ponytail over your shoulder. You heard someone clear their throat behind you. It was your dad.

You went and hugged your parents and talked for a few minutes, then were called over for Nikki to take team pictures.

Everyone showed off their fiery hair ribbons (you had stayed true to your joking promise) and got pictures with the trophy. You and Anna also took some biting your medals and alone with the large award.

You finally headed to the locker room, changing and packing up your volleyball bag one last time.

The end of an era was a sad one to say the least.

You said goodbye to everyone as your parents got the car ready. Tom came up.

“Hey. Good job once again. I’m proud of you. See you Monday?”

You felt yourself blush as your stomach flip flopped.

“Thank you, Tom. I’m glad you were here this weekend, especially last night. See you then.”

You gave one last side hug before getting in the car and preparing for the long ride home. You were sitting still for a while reflecting on the day when your phone lit up.

“How’s the ride so far?” Tom asked over text.

“It’s been 20 minutes, Tom.”

“Well if I’m going to be stuck third wheeling Julia and Sam I’m gonna need someone to talk to.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled, continuing the conversation all the way home until you were falling asleep in bed.

A/N: ahhh thank you all again for 300 followers! I genuinely can’t believe that there are that many people who are so interested in my writing! Especially those of you who have been around since the beginning, when my writing was especially bad haha. Love you all!

Send a message or ask if you’d like to be added to my permanent or series taglists so I can verify you’ve been added!

Story tag list: @jackiehollanderr, @one-big-fangirl, @l0lmk, @primadonnasdream, @bookworm06, @thenoddingbunny-blog, @agentnataliahofferson, @spider-babe, @stxfxniexreads, @justafangirlduh, @supraveng,

#The Marriage Project #tom holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland story #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland au #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x you

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softholand · 4 years ago

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racing heart - t.h

pairing: driver!tom x reader

warnings: angst, swearing, fluff, probably some wrong formula one terms

words: 1.7k

a/n: holy shit!! it’s finally here!!! i honestly had this ideia since those pictures of tom in silverstone came out and now i finally did it!! it’s my first time writing something that’s not in my first language so, please, go ease on me!! i wanna thank @definitely-not-black-cat for being my beta reader and proofreading this for me, i love you summer 💛 that’s it, please let me know what you guys think!!

The sun was shining bright on the streets of Silverstone. The high temperature was making you sweat and your clothes stick to your body. There was no denying, you hated the heat. It made your skin feel like it was on fire and all you wanted to do was jump on a pool. But, you promised your boyfriend that you’d be here for him today, knowing how important this race was for him. So, you put your hatred towards the weather aside and went into the boxes to see how he was doing.

You had met Tom at one of the many formula one races that your dad, being one of the sponsors, made you come and immediately fell in love. I mean, how could you not? The boy was everything you ever wanted, sweet, funny, handsome and treated you like a fucking queen. That’s why you accepted his invitation for dinner that night two years ago and well, here you are.

“Hey y/n!” Harrison, Tom’s best friend and also one of the members of his team, was the first to greet you at the boxes.

“Hi Haz! Everything ready?” You questioned, always wanting to make sure everything was perfect before the race.

“Yes, everything’s ready, boss!” He said, knowing you hated being called that.

“Oh, shut up!” You said with a wave of your hand. “Where is he?” You asked your blonde friend.

“In his room. Said he was going to rest for a bit before the race.” Harrison explained, pointing to one of the many rooms in the back.

“Ok, thanks Haz!” You thanked him, before taking a cold drink that was in one of the coolers and making your way to the room.

When you entered, Tom was laying down on the sofa, already in his overalls, casually scrolling through social media. Putting your drink aside, you made your way to the sofa and put your hands on top of his eyes, making him chuckle.

“I know it's you, y/n!” He said taking your hands in his and kissing your knuckles.

“How? You were so focused on your phone that you didn’t even hear me coming.” You asked, making your way around the sofa.

“Your hands are soft and the guys would never even try to do this.” Tom answered, tugging on your hand and making you sit on his lap.

“God, I love air conditioning! I was sweating outside.” You complained, playing with the curls sticking out of his pink hat.

“I can make you sweat here too!” Tom muttered, squeezing your ass and making you groan.

“Tom, focus on the race!” You groaned, sadly taking his hands off of your body.

“I’m focused!” He insisted, pressing his lips to yours in a quick kiss.

“Tom, I’m serious! How are you feeling?” You asked, knowing how important this race was for him.

“Excited?! Nervous, for sure! My whole family is here today.” Tom let it out, taking a deep breath.

“I know, baby! But you’re going to smash this.” You stated, making him smile.

“I love you!” He said, taking your face in his hands and kissing you.

With no one stopping you, you deepened the kiss even more, putting your tongue into his mouth, making him groan and squeeze your hips. You could feel your boyfriend getting harder underneath you, but you couldn’t find in yourself to pull away from him. Thankfully, Harrison came into the door, making a disgusted noise at the sight.

“Oh, c’mon you two! The warm-up lap is about to start.” The blonde boy informed the couple, who laughed at their friend. Tom thanked him and said he was going to be out in a sec.

“C’mon, you gotta run, driver!” You said before kissing him one last time, finally dragging him out.

Outside, the higher temperature greeted you back, but there was no time to complain, since Tom had to get in his car for the lap. Before putting his helmet on, you made sure to wish him good luck one last time, securing the equipment on his head. And like every single race, you gave his helmet a kiss, this had started unintentionally but had quickly become a tradition.

“I love you! Good luck!” You shouted, before making your way to sit with Tom’s family. They all greeted you back and asked how he was doing. You said he was a little nervous but mostly excited for the race and then you all got ready to watch.

After the warm-up lap, all of the cars assembled on the starting grid in the order they qualified, waiting for the red lights to indicate the start of the race. Tom had done amazing the day before and started the race in first place, giving him a lot of advantage over his competitors. And he was also doing amazing today, keeping his position and not letting the others get too close. That was until a quick pit stop, when he wasn’t fast enough to come back and ended up losing his position.

Tom's family and you tensed, knowing how frustrated he got when something like that happened, but you guys also stayed confident that he could easily get his position back, which thankfully didn’t take long to happen. Back in first place, Tom kept his position and it really started to look like he was going to make it, he was going to win this race. You were so happy, his brothers were cheering and his mom was talking to you about how proud she was when it happened. On one of the last turns, he lost control of his car and got out of the track, leaving room for another three cars to pass him until he could make it back to the race, making him come in fourth place.

Back in the boxes, he got out of his car, took his helmet off and threw it away, almost hitting one member of his team. You could see that Harrison tried to talk to him, but you knew that he wasn’t going to. Tom could be an incredible driver but he didn’t know how to lose. You quickly excused yourself from his family and made your way into the boxes and just when you were getting close, you heard his shouting.

“I told you guys that type of tire wouldn’t work with this temperature!!! I fucking told you!!!!” He screamed, throwing on the floor what was on the table. “How many times do I have to say something for you guys to understand and do what I fucking said?” He shouted once again, before making his way to one of the rooms and slamming the door shut.

Once you got there, Tom was nowhere to be found. But the sight in front of you, made you certain that he had been there. There was stuff everywhere, bottles of champagne, that were once meant to celebrate, were smashed on the floor, his helmet, the one you kissed so many times before, was broken in half and the expression on his team’s faces was of pure frustration.

“What happened?” You asked, already knowing the answer.

“Got pissed, screamed, smashed everything.” Tyler, one of the members of his team said.

“Where is he?” You said, wanting to at least try to talk to him.

“His room, won’t let anyone in.” One of the other guys answered.

Your eyes immediately connect with Harrison’s blue ones and with a little tilt of his head, he lets you know, even without words, that you needed to talk to Tom. With a nod, you made your way to his room, quickly closing the door behind you.

“I said I don’t want to talk to anyone!” Tom grumbled.

“But you will!” You said, crossing your arms.

“Please y/n, not now!” He said, barely even looking at you.

“Yes Tom, now! Listen to me, you don’t get to do this, ok? You don’t get to act like a dick with your team. It wasn’t just you that lost today, they lost too.” You told him, feeling your blood boil.

“Fuck! I know, alright? I’m just... frustrated!” Tom blurted, threading his fingers through his hair.

“I know that, but they’re out there now, feeling even more frustrated than you, because besides losing, they had to tolerate you being an asshole with them.” You said, getting closer to him.

“Fuck! I’m— I’m sorry, y/n! I shouldn’t, fuck, I shouldn’t have shouted, I’m sorry!” Tom muttered, making his way to you. “I just... my family is here, I— I let them down.” Your boyfriend let it out, with tearful eyes, making you immediately hug him.

“Baby, don’t say that! Hey, look at me, you didn’t let them down, you didn’t let anyone down. We are so incredibly proud of you for everything you achieved, you know that!” You told him, rubbing his back.

“I— I just wanna go home!” Tom pouted, looking into your eyes.

“Alright! But you have to talk to your team first, ok? Then we can go home!” You stated, seeing him nod.

With his hands on your back, he pulled you close and kissed you, and yeah, maybe what he did earlier was wrong and maybe he tasted a little like sweat, but the moment his lips met yours, you were long gone.

“I love you, thanks for... you know... everything!” Tom said, making you chuckle.

“I love you too! And don’t mention it, that’s why I’m here.” You blinked, kissing his lips.

With his hand clutched in yours, Tom apologized to his team for his behavior and thanked them for all their hard work. Before you leave, Harrison gave you a grateful smile, which you reciprocate. Outside the boxes, Tom’s family was waiting for him with big smiles and open arms. His mom was the first person he hugged, followed by his dad and lastly, his brothers.

“We’re really proud of you, son! Never forget that!” His mother said, kissing his cheek.

His parents tried to make you guys accept an invitation for lunch but Tom wasn’t having it, he said he was not feeling well and promised his mom they’ll reschedule. You knew he was fine, he just wanted to go home and lay in bed with you, cuddle and watch something stupid, until his anger and frustration wears out and to be honest, you’ll be more than happy to do that for him.

tagging some of my mutuals: @definitely-not-black-cat @stuckonspidey @soft-haz @screamholland @hazinhoodies @tomhollandd @tomhollandthing @peeterparkr @uglypastels @myfinalwords @bi-writes @fanficparker @wazzupmrstark

#my writing #tom holland #tom holland fanfic #tom holland imagine #tom holland blurb #tom holland one shot #tom holland fic #tom holland au #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #driver!tom holland #driver!tom #tom holland writing

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supernaturalfreewill · 4 years ago

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Words: 4,380 Sam x Reader Warnings: None really! A/N: SURPRISE! This is the first part of a new Sammy series! I think it will be around 4 parts, but last time I said that Mess Is Mine happened so... I just won't guess this time. I'm working on like 8 other stories right now, but this one refused to go away unless I put it down. Based on this imagine .

Your name: submit What is this?

Your sister and Dean were arguing about who had won the last game of poker, a fairly frequent occurrence during your weekly game night. You were startled to find that Sam was already looking at you when you looked up from stacking the cards back into the game case. It sent a jolt like an electric-tinged chill up your spine. The best you could do back was to smile at him briefly and tear your eyes away.

“Well, I’m heading to bed I think,” your sister said, yawning and stretching. She stood and wrapped her arms around Sam’s neck from behind, leaning in close to give him a kiss. “Are you coming to bed?” she asked him pointedly.

Your stomach tightened into a knot. “’Scuse me,” you said with a forced smile. You gathered a few empty bottles and glasses and exited for the kitchen abruptly.

Once there all you could do was lean over the sink, white-knuckling the edge of the counter, trying to think of anything but what you actually were thinking of… Footsteps behind you jolted you into action. You blasted the water on and grabbed the soap and a sponge.

“Relax. It’s just me,” Dean said.

You dropped the pretense of washing the dishes and spun to face him where he was leaning against the table giving you a knowing look. “Y/N…” he started.

“Don’t.”

“But? But?! My sister, Dean! My sister! How could I do that to her?” you demanded. “I can’t. I can’t do that.” You couldn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

He let out a heavy sigh. “Then you’re going to be stuck just where you are now. Wouldn’t you rather regret going for it than sitting back and not trying?”

You glared at him. “I think I’d regret ruining my relationship with the one blood relative I have left.” There was a tense silence that stretched far longer than was comfortable before you finally broke it. “I’m going to bed… Tell them goodnight for me.”

“Wait,” Dean called after you.

“Goodnight, Dean.” You hugged him, long enough for him to sigh heavily again and plant a kiss on the top of your head.

“Goodnight…” he murmured, and then you were gone with a soft padding of stocking feet.

Dean wandered back out into the library to find Sam still sitting at the table, a fresh glass of something in front of him. “Isn’t that like your fourth nightcap?” Dean asked.

Sam glowered at him momentarily. “Pot. Kettle. Black,” he said.

Dean pulled a face and shrugged. “Fair enough.” He poured himself a share of whiskey too and sat down across from his little brother. “Isn’t someone waiting for you?” Dean asked.

Sam’s jaw tensed. “Yeah, I–I told her I’d be in in a bit…” He hesitated and cleared his throat a little awkwardly. “…Where’s Y/N?”

Dean was just about ready to scream. “Bed. Told me to tell you ‘goodnight.’”

“Oh… okay.” Sam drank deeply from his glass, nearly draining it.

Dean raised his eyebrows at his little brother. “Something you want to share with the class? Thoughts, maybe?”

Sam shook his head. “No.”

Dean left a beat of silence. “You know, you’ve been putting kind of a dent in my whiskey lately. You think I haven’t noticed? Am I supposed to just pretend that new bottle was 2/3 empty when I bought it.”

Sam shifted uncomfortably and gulped down the tightness in his throat to little effect.

“Sammy… come on. Talk to me. What the hell is going on in that long-maned head of yours?”

Sam shut his eyes for a moment and chewed his bottom lip. “I’m in love with Y/N,” he blurted out. “And it’s a mess. I’m with her sister. I’m dating her sister! And I’m love with Y/N.” There was something like anguish in his voice.

Dean stared across the table at Sam’s tortured expression. There was nothing to say to that.

“So, you know what? I’m taking a leaf out of your book and having a few nightcaps… that way when I wake up in the morning on the right side of the wrong bed, maybe I won’t care so much...” He downed the little remaining in his glass. “And I really can’t deal with a lecture from you right now, Dean, so just–just don’t. Night.”

Sam got up, leaving his empty glass behind, and stalked out.

“Jesus fu–am I living in the goddamn Twilight zone or some shit?! Didn’t I just have this conversation?!” Dean muttered aloud to himself. “There is not enough fucking whiskey in the world right now for this…” And with that he poured himself another.

_ _ _ _ _ _

You woke up very early, having gone to bed much before your usual time simply because you wanted to be unconscious… It seemed to be the only time you didn’t have that ache in your midsection and painful swirl of thoughts in your brain. You headed for the kitchen, looking forward to a hot cup of coffee and maybe some quiet self-reflection to stop your spinning. But you were surprised to find that you weren’t the only one awake despite the very early hour.

“Oh—” you let out a little surprised noise when you crossed the threshold and Sam looked up from his place at the center island.

“Y/N,” he said, his eyes a little surprised. He straightened up in his seat. “Hey.” He had passed some fitful portion of the night beside your sister and finally surrendered to insomnia. He had hoped that not lying next to her, feeling like a liar, would diminish his anxiety but it had proved to be mostly wishful thinking. He rubbed a hand anxiously over the back of his neck. “You’re up early,” he said.

“Yeah, umm… went to bed early so…” You smoothed a hand over your hair, quite sure that it was probably unruly from your tossing and turning all night. Sam loved that. “Coffee?” you asked. He jumped to his feet.

“Yeah. Of course. Let me get it for you,” he said.

“Oh, thanks.” Sam poured you a big mug of coffee from the pot and went to the fridge to grab some milk.

“You just take milk, right?” he asked, even though he knew the answer. He knew how you liked your coffee. He always knew what book you were reading. He knew your favorite color was seafoam. He knew you liked a gin and tonic with about an entire lime in it. He knew you liked whiskey and water, and dark beer, and the lavender-scented dryer sheets. He knew every little detail about you and he loved every single one.

“Yeah. Thank you,” you said. You accepted the mug from Sam and his fingers brushed yours as he handed it to you. You knew how cliché and stupid it was, but your heart still jumped at the contact. Is this what you would have to keep living on? A split second of Sam? You felt like a drug addict, sustaining only on the thought of the next high. You studied him as he sat down at the island again and you quickly noticed the dark circles under his eyes. “…Are you alright?”

Sam’s eyes flickered up to meet yours, startled a little by the question. God, how badly he wanted to answer truthfully. He wanted to tell you, No. I’m not alright. I’m not. I’m living a lie I don’t know how to get out of without ruining the path to what I really want. Instead he nodded. “Yeah,” he said, sipping his coffee. “Just a little tired.”

“Mmm. Trouble sleeping?” you asked, absently rotating your mug on the marble counter, warming your fingers. Seemed like you both had the same problem the previous night.

“Uhh—a little. But I’m okay,” he said, he tried to force a reassuring smile. He didn’t want to think about lying in bed next to your sister. It was the last thing he wanted to think about. “Thanks,” he said. “For asking though.”

You nodded. “Sure, of course.” A long moment of silence stretched and you were surprised that when you looked up, Sam’s eyes were already on your face, but he tore them away quickly and looked down into his mug. Your heart beat faster as you wondered at the meaning. You searched for something to say to him, something to bring his eyes back to yours. You could look into them forever—you always saw such understanding, such strength in them. And he was warm and funny and smart and kind… and this thinking made your stomach clench because you knew he was out of reach.

Sam cleared his throat and pushed down the sick feeling in his own stomach. “So, what’s on the schedule for today?” he asked.

You shrugged. “I dunno. I was thinking of working out later. Maybe kick Dean’s ass sparring,” you said, a small smirk gracing your face.

Sam let out a small laugh and shook his head. “That’d be good for him,” he said. But he felt a jealous twinge and a heat rising in his chest that he tried to ignore.

“How about you?” you asked. Sam shrugged.

“I don’t know… We’ll see. Maybe try and rustle up a case or something.” It was a classic method of distraction that Sam tried to use, even though it was only a temporary success. He would work, and work, and work. And it gave him an excuse to tell your sister he was busy, that he couldn’t take the time that day to spend with her doing something that he felt wasn’t genuine because all he could think about was doing it with you instead…

One corner of your mouth twitched upwards. “You work too much, Sam.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah… I know… but there’s always something else out there.”

“Exactly. There is always something else out there. And there always will be. So, you should take the time off when you can. Enjoy life a little,” you said, brave enough to meet his kaleidoscope colored eyes again.

Sam nervously chewed his bottom lip. He could be consumed by you instantly if he let himself—the way you were looking at him with that small smile and your eyes so bright, seeing only him in that moment. Reality reared its ugly head suddenly when footsteps started up the hallway and broke the temporary spell.

Your sister bounced into the kitchen. “Morning!” she said. She went over to Sam and ran a hand down his back affectionately, pecking him on the cheek. “I was a little bummed out to see your side of the bed empty this morning…” she said in a low voice to Sam.

You abruptly got up and headed across the kitchen to the pantry, feeling suddenly sick with envy and wanting to distance yourself as much as possible. You started pulling ingredients out just for the distraction and your sister was soon at your side. “Whatcha makin’?” she asked.

“Pancakes?”

“Sounds good. Better you make them than me. You remember what happened last time?”

You shook your head at her and laughed lightly at the last kitchen disaster. “Smoke. Everywhere. You shouldn’t even be allowed in the kitchen,” you teased her.

“I will never try again,” she said with a laugh. “I have no problem acknowledging my faults.” She bumped you with a friendly elbow. “Soooo…” she started. Her tone made you look up at her a little tentatively.

“…Oh, no. I know that tone. What is it?”

She grinned widely at you.

You raised your eyebrows at her. “What is it? Cough it up,” you said. “I can see you are plotting something…”

“Well, I was thiiiinking we should go out tonight. Get out of the bunker… You know, go into town… maybe go to that bar with the suuuuper hot bartender?” she said, wiggling her eyes at you.

You sighed. “I don’t know… I kind of just feel like staying in.” You didn’t know Sam was listening intently now from his place at the island still.

“You always feel like staying in! That’s why you have me to twist your arm and get you out of here before you turn into an old spinster who is in a serious relationship only with her books and tea kettle.”

You rolled your eyes. “Wow. Gee, thanks, sis…” you said sarcastically. “And you know what? That actually doesn’t sound too bad!”

This drew a laugh from her and she bounced on her feet a little. “Pleeeeease! Come on. You know once you’re out you will have a good time! And that bartender was totally into you last time.”

You looked at her eager expression and the excitement in her eyes. Maybe a night out would do you some good. You could definitely use a distraction and the bunker was somehow always haunted with Sam and your sister’s relationship… Reminders everywhere; that they shared a room and a bed together, that you could walk around any corner and find them kissing, or sitting closely, or whispering some secret conversation with secret smiles you weren’t privy to… “Alright. Fine,” you agreed. “But for like two beers and that is it!”

She pumped a fist in excited success. “Yes! Oh, I’m totally gonna pick out your outfit and everything. You’re gonna look hot,” she said.

You pointed vehemently at her. “No dresses!”

“But—”

“No! No dresses!” She pouted at you but relented.

“Fine… no dresses…”

“Dresses?” Dean said, coming to join the rest of you in the kitchen and peeking over your shoulder at the bowl you were dumping ingredients in. “Who’s wearing a dress?”

“No one!” you said loudly.

Dean grabbed a mug and poured in some coffee. “Why not? I’d love to see you in a dress, Y/N,” he said laughing gruffly. “Like, a short, tight little black cocktail dress… some high heels. Right, Sammy?” he asked, giving Sam a wink and drawing a very unamused stare from him. You gave Dean a scolding look and he relented.

“We’re going out tonight to Lucky’s,” your sister explained. “And I’m gonna pick out Y/N’s outfit and she is going to flirt with that hot bartender who was hitting on her last time.” You rolled your eyes.

“Ah,” Dean said. He chanced a glance at Sam and noted the muscle twitching in Sam’s jaw as he clenched his teeth. “I see.”

You turned to look at Dean. “You wanna spar later?” you asked him. God, you needed to work off some frustration and bitter jealousy…

He sipped casually at his coffee. “You wanna get your ass kicked later?” he asked, giving you a satisfied smug smirk.

You tilted your head and raised your eyebrows at him, a half-smirk on your face. God, Sam loved that expression, the playful spark in your eyes. “We’ll see, tough guy,” you said, turning back to the pancake batter.

_ _ _ _ _ _

A few hours later, you and Dean were both a little sweaty, circled up on the mat in the room you had converted to a work out area. You had your hands up and were seizing each other up, both with grins on your faces as you waited to see who would strike next.

“Give up yet, Winchester? By my count, you’re losing,” you goaded him. He laughed and wiped some sweat from his brow.

“You have gotten a lot better, Y/N. Must be because you have an amazing tutor,” he said with a gruff laugh. “And quite handsome at that!”

You rolled your eyes which was a mistake because Dean took that opportunity and swept your legs out from under you and you landed hard on your back on the mat, gritting your teeth a little as the breath was knocked out of you. Dean laughed hard as you let out a frustrated groan. Once you caught your breath, you accepted his proffered hand to help you back up. Sam came in just then as you were circling back up, ready for the next bout. Dean bounced lightly on the balls of his feet in the typical boxing shuffle, hands up in guard. “Sammy!” he yelled, seeing his brother come in. “Good. It will be nice to have someone else witness Y/N’s destruction—”

But just then you threw three punches at him and he had to scramble to block two of them. He wasn’t fast enough for the third and you landed a solid hit into his stomach, giving him a satisfied “HA!” and a wide grin.

“What’s that you were saying, Dean?” Sam called out, grinning, sitting down on one of the benches along the wall.

Dean shook it off and the two of you had an intense bout where you both gained ground on the other but were eventually blocked or fought it off. Finally, you sent a jab straight at Dean’s chin but he was able to block it and reroute your momentum, grabbing your arm and again sending you down to the mat. Just then as you were letting out a string of expletives and Dean was laughing heartily in victory, a cell phone rang.

“Oh, shit. That’s probably Garth. I gotta take that. I’m expecting him to call to today,” Dean said, heading over to the bench and grabbing his cell phone. He looked at Sam, whose gaze was fixated on you where you were lying on your back still in the middle of the mat, just resting for a minute and beating yourself up for letting Dean drop you. “Sammy, I’m tagging you in,” he said, giving him a wink.

“What?” Sam’s eyes went a little wide.

“I said you’re in. Hello? Yeah, hey Garth…” Dean stepped into the hall leaving Sam alone with you.

He gulped at the nervousness in his throat and stood up, walking out onto the mat. “Hey,” he said. “You okay?”

You sat up abruptly, a little surprised to see Sam appear over you so suddenly. “Yep. Fine.”

Sam offered you a hand and you felt butterflies flutter to life in your stomach as he pulled you up to your feet. Your hand stayed in his perhaps just a little too long.

Sam cleared his throat and looked down at you. “Uhh… Can I show you how Dean got you down?”

“Oh—yes. Please. I hate when he wins,” you said, giving Sam a small smile.

Sam anxiously rubbed the back of his neck as he stood in front of you. “Okay. Well, go into your guard stance,” he said. You obliged, stepping one foot slightly back and the other forward. “Good. Now, you want to use your lower body to propel that punch, but you need to be able to maintain your balance.” Sam squared up with you, pulling his hands up into guard. “So, just keep a little more weight on your back foot when you jab and propel yourself from your hips.” You nodded. “Okay, try it,” Sam said, holding a palm out. “Hit it, right here.”

You threw a jab at his palm, but he pulled back right before you connected and again you lost your balance and pitched forward toward him. “Whoa!” Sam laughed a little and caught you, his hands landing instinctively on your hips to stop your momentum. You both froze for a moment. You were still breathing fast from the physical exertion, but Sam was too, for an entirely different reason. Your hips felt small under his hands, and he could clearly feel their curve and angles. His heart was pounding and he felt a jolt of electricity zip up his spine. Perceiving that he should have let you go by now, his hands floated off you and he stepped backward. You anxiously chewed your bottom lip. There were tingles trailing behind where his hands had been. “Uhh—a little better, but you’re still taking too much weight off that back foot. Try again,” he said.

You both resumed your guard and Sam held a hand up again. This time you threw your jab and though he moved his hand back before you connected, you maintained you balance and immediately threw a cross punch which he had to block. A smile grew on his face and a matching one lit up yours. “Good! That was a really good!”

“Thanks,” you said, still squared up with him. You quickly threw a couple punches which Sam skillfully blocked and he returned—and that was it. You were full on sparring. Sam dodged one of your punches and you surprised him immediately with a high kick that caught him in the chest, knocking him off balance. But he was right back into it, now advancing on you and forcing you to give up ground. You waited for an opportunity to throw a combination at him but he somehow saw it coming and blocked it. The next second you skillfully swept a leg underneath him as he recovered from a block and he tumbled back onto the mat, landing hard but immediately starting to laugh. You stood over him with a wide grin on your face and walked over to look down at him. “Give?” you asked him.

His only response was to sweep one of his legs from where he was laying on the floor, taking you out at the ankles and sending you sprawling down on top of him. “Shit!” You landed with one arm extended to catch yourself on the floor and the other on his strong chest. Your body was pressed into him and you immediately felt your cheeks flush. You could feel his hips pressing into you. You lips were mere inches from his and you could see all the hues in his irises. He swallowed hard and there was a vague smile on his face.

Suddenly, you felt one of his hands landed ever so gently on your lower back and wow, electricity. “Give?” he joked, the vague smile still on his face, his eyes starry, his heart pounding. He couldn’t believe you were actually pressed against him and he wondered that you hadn’t immediately moved, climbed to your feet, put distance between the two of you. You felt paralyzed looking into his eyes.

“I give,” you said. Your voice was low and breathy because truthfully you couldn’t breathe, you were so startled by the whirling feelings and thoughts washing over you. Sam’s hand landing so lightly there on your lower back, it felt intimate.

But you suddenly heard the door open, and Dean stepped back into the room having gotten off the phone with Garth. The noise called you back to your senses and you leapt to your feet, anxiously backing away from Sam, but you weren’t quite fast enough. Dean had frozen a couple steps in and seen you on top of Sam—but he quickly pretended he hadn’t.

Sam cleared his throat and climbed to his feet, sweeping his hands back through his hair. “Good. Yeah, just… don’t let your guard down. Ever. Even once you have them on the ground.”

You were a little wide-eyed and you turned and headed for your water bottle and towel on the bench. Dean gave you a meaningful look as you approached but you just tore your eyes away from him.

“What did I miss?” he asked you in a low voice, his tone pregnant with meaning.

Sam watched from the center of the mat as you dabbed at your forehead and neck with your towel. “Nothing,” you said to Dean. “Just—training.”

“Mhmm…” Dean replied, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Stop it.” Dean held his hands up in a sign of surrender. “Umm… I’m gonna go shower,” you said.

“Alright. Well, hey, I saw your sister in the hall. She wants to head out to the bar in like an hour and a half.” You nodded and quickly waved to Sam as you left the room, feeling your cheeks coloring again with a blush and hoping that your face was already red enough from the exercise to hide it.

“Thanks, Sam. Alright, I’ll see you guys in a bit…”

Dean noted that his brother’s eyes didn’t leave you until you disappeared through the door, which slammed and echoed in the space with an uncomfortable finality. Dean pressed his lips into a thin line and looked at his little brother. “So,” he said.

Sam frowned at him. “So, what?”

Dean shrugged and raised his eyebrows. “What exactly was that?” he asked, the gravel thick in his voice.

“What? Nothing. I just—we were sparring and—”

“Oh, you were sparring,” Dean repeated skeptically, crossing his arms over his chest. “Because when I came in it didn’t look like there was a lot of sparring going on as much as it looked like Y/N was on top of you and—”

“Stop.” Sam admonished.

“Sammy, come on. I spar with Y/N all the time and we have never ended up like that—”

Sam’s jaw clenched and he gave one last stern look to his older brother. “I’m just—just forget it. I’m gonna go get cleaned up and it sounds like you should too.”

“Sam! Sammy, come on,” Dean called after him, but Sam just waved him off and disappeared into the hall, leaving Dean to sigh heavily in frustration.

Part 2

#sam x reader #sammy angst #sam winchester #sam winchester fanfiction #fanfic #supernatural #spn

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zirkkun · 4 years ago

Text

I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

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scottymcgeesterwrites · 3 years ago

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Some Goddamn Curtains

When I was in college, I kept getting the compliment, “Wow, your room is really nice for a guy.” I never understood what that meant for the longest time. Then I actually paid attention to how most guys kept their dorm room. I once waited for a guy to get ready to head down to an event. I realized that I had never actually stepped foot in his room, much less even glanced inside of it. So when he stepped out and said he was ready to go, I leaned to the side over his shoulder and oh my god it was like downtown Baghdad during the worst of the Iraq War. Damn bruh, you live like this? I liked all my college roommates but the most untidiest one was in sophomore year. He left his toothbrush lying around in the open in a sock drawer, and it would end up somewhere else each night. Maybe he liked to play scavenger hunts to keep himself on his toes? He never put the DVDs back in their respective cases. I once couldn’t wait to watch Iron Man with a friend at their dorm, only to open the case once I got there and realize that my roommate had replaced it with Season 1 of Martin. He would also do this thing where he would drink a can of Coke (that I bought), not finish it, put it back in the fridge, then later open a new can of Coke that he didn’t feel like finishing, and rinse and repeat. First year roommate wasn’t that bad. Third year roommate was nearly as tidy as I was. Then in my fourth and final year I lived alone, so my sense of the idea that “guys were messy” didn’t really hit me because I’ve only had one bad experience and chalked it up to “It was just that one guy”. I’m 31, and by now I have noticed people saying things like, “Oh my God I was actually thinking about what curtains I liked and I’m such an adult. This is what adult thinking is like. I’m adulting now.”

I hate hearing shit like that. I grew up blithely admitting liking things that an adult would “normally like”, such as curtains. The curtains thing came up in high school when I hung out at the senior lounge. The senior lounge was this bare room that looked like it was meant for old people to sit and play bingo. It was boring and dull and I hated it. It felt more lke a prison cafeteria really, with some worn out couches. I would bring my video games to that lounge, namely GoldenEye 007, to play with friends during our free period. The room didn’t have any curtains, so at a certain time in the afternoon, the sun would beat down directly onto the screen, making it difficult to see properly. A lot of us would squint and move closer or lean forward. I then said, “This room needs some curtains.”

A pause, and then someone replied, “Did you just say this room needs curtains?” And I was like, “Yeah. Maybe something blue. Something dark.”

And he looked at me and scoffed, and all the other guys did the same - they gave me this funny sideways glance and scoffed. I asked what the problem was, but they mostly shook their heads in disbelief. I was frankly annoyed by their response. So I said, louder, “This room needs some goddamn curtains”, because I thought it was perfectly fucking reasonable that a person would logically do something about the fucking glare from the fucking sun. Maybe they liked blinds better. Who knows? But it took me ages to fully realize two things: 1. It’s not socially acceptable for boys to be interested in style - whether it be about living spaces or clothes. I was fiercely made fun of for the clothes I wore as a kid throughout young adult life. I hated all kinds of t-shirts. I think growing up thin and gangly made me too self-aware of my arms. But I never specifically wanted to wear anything that had a band name or a company logo or even my favorite video game or movie. I would feel like a walking advertisement, and that would piss me off. I often liked ties, long-sleeved shirts, and sweaters. I never left the house in sweatpants or pajamas. I always had to comb my hair and put on a good shirt. Sweatpants were when you worked out or worked around the house fixing things. I grew up in Catholic school, so we had uniforms. On dress down days, my classmates would come up to me and say, “Eddie, you were supposed to dress DOWN, not up” or “I can’t believe you’re wearing that on a dress down day!”. I didn’t have a problem with people dressing how they dressed. Sure I was never into the goth thing, but I didn’t want to judge. I just wanted to dress how I wanted to dress. And maybe I was influenced in some way by how my parents dressed me up, and maybe other times I did feel embarrassed, but I knew that at the end of the day I would wear what felt most comfortable to me. Sometimes my mom would give me a sweater that was a tad too bland, so I went to the bathroom once I got to school and took it off. I would like the polo but untucked it and unbuttoned the top buttons. Half-and-half. Right idea, but lemme wear it like this instead. College was really when I started to develop my everyday style, my “main outfit”, like a video game character. I always wore some untucked button-down shirt with a tie, jeans, and sneakers. I liked it. It was this weird blend of dressing up and dressing down. People my age thought I was overdressed but my parents and people over 50 complained that I was underdressed. It was great! It feels so special to piss off both sides! My parents still remember the time I got an award at college and I went up the stage wearing that getup. You look at the picture and see the students standing side-by-side in nice dresses and dockers, and then there’s me wearing jeans and sneakers with a shirt and tie. There always seemed to be this false dichotomy for how men should look and be - either the dapper “metrosexual” man who was slightly effeminate or the rough-and-tumble strong man who didn’t need to use an umbrella when it rained and never cared to fix his hair because that’s some “gay shit” for silly city folk. That false dichotomy is always played out in media. There’s a million buddy cop movies about the book-smart guy who is suave and sophisticated teaming up with the street-smart guy who is all muscle and manly and goes for the more practical route. Yin and Yang. Hot and cold. Good cop and bad cop. Lucky and Wild. Tango and Cash. But growing up I thought, “Why not both?” I loved watching James Bond as much as I loved watching Indiana Jones. Why couldn’t I be both if I really wanted to? It fit me best to play both roles. I AM GOING TO MIX THESE TWO THINGS AND YOU CAN’T FUCKING STOP ME! I WILL BE BOTH BOOK-SMART AND STREET-SMART. I KNOW THE QUADRATIC EQUATION AND HOW TO CON SOMEONE. THE ULTIMATE LIFEFORM. The fucking worst though is being an adult now and hearing women wish they knew a guy who “dressed properly”, and men complimenting my clothes saying I look sharp.

Fuck all of you, honestly. 2. Young people are afraid to admit they like things that adults like. I grew up with extended family members living in cozy homes. I liked to admire their grandfather clocks, their decanters, their entertainment center, their offices and their chairs. I liked to wander around their houses during the holidays and poke my nose into their closets and admire old things. Maybe it’s something that an only-child might relate to the most. I wasn’t required or asked to be upstairs to attend a younger or older sibling. The adults just did their own thing and so I wandered off. Ikea always tickled my fancy as a kid. I would wander through the model rooms of offices and bedrooms and bathrooms, and I found whatever felt coziest to me and pretended that I was home. Better yet, I sometimes daydreamed that the entire Ikea facility was my home. How about that? Tired of sleeping on the bunk bed? Go to the next room to the big bed. I feel like cooking in that kitchen today, not this one. Some days I’ll feel more serious and work in the wooden office desk and other days I’ll feel silly and be in the kids room. I’ll take the whole building, please. This is where I live now. Swedish meatballs for dinner and creamy European chocolate bars for dessert every day. Young people fear being old and facing responsibilities. That doesn’t mean you liking these things makes you older. Taste and style is part of who you are, and there’s no shame if you have an interest in some bath mats or a nice decanter when you’re 20 or 17.

When I lived in my single dorm back in senior year of college, I realized that I was truly living alone for the first time. It brought some sanity to me that I didn’t know I needed. I was able to organize things how I saw fit, and hosted parties whenever I wanted. If I felt like something needed adjusting, I didn’t need to ask anybody’s permission. I really started exploring my sense of style and taste. As I grew up, I developed really specific tastes about where I would live: 1. Everything has to make sense. The placement of shelves, TVs, desks, dressers, paintings, pictures, all have to feel like they are easily viewed and accessible without needing to awkwardly turn to face them or reach them. 2. Symmetry is not always necessary but still good to fall back on when you don’t know what to do. 3. I never liked to sit with my back to the window(s) or the door. I always needed to see who or what was going to approach me or look at me. 4. TVs should never go on top of fireplaces. 5. Always have some kind of drawing room for guests to wait. 6. Never put your keys or sensitive documents in the foyer, drawing room, or wherever else strangers can easily find them the minute they walk into the house. 7. Open concept is pretentious. 8. It is far easier to cook if you have an island in the kitchen. 9. McMansions are the bane of style. Fake balconies, fake shutters, brick facades - everything about them is evil. 10. Get some goddamn curtains.

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immaturityofthomasastruc · 4 years ago

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IOTA Reviews: Truth

Hey. Hey guys. Remember when I said I was feeling optimistic about this season? God, that was funny, wasn't it?

Let's just... Let's just get into the actual first episode of Miraculous Ladybug's fourth season: Truth.

We start off with Gabriel repairing the damaged Peacock Miraculous, which also restores Duusu's sanity, before he quickly gives it a test run by transforming with both it and the Butterfly Miraculous.

And good lord, the result looks atrocious. This is the design for the new and improved Hawkmoth? First off, the peacock feather eyepatch looks stupid. Is he trying to be the Phantom of the Opera? When Mayura had the same thing, it didn't completely cover her eye and matched her color scheme. It just doesn't match with this new design here. Other than the feather, the peacock aesthetic is barely visible here. The most we get is a peacock feather pattern on the back of his jacket. And then there's the popped collar and coattails, which only look more ridiculous than menacing. What made the original Hawkmoth design work was how sleek it was. It was simplistic, which reflected Gabriel's no-nonense personality. This just looks gaudy and unnecessary. How was this right after the amazing suit the animators gave Dragonbug?

So after Gabriel designs another stupid looking outfit, we cut to Marinette, who's still trying to figure out how the Miracle Ball works. She accidentally opens it, letting the Kwamis out, who wreak havoc on her room because Marinette suffering is going to be a big part of this episode. This just raises the question: Why can't Marinette simply order them back into the box like Su-Han did, or rather, is going to do? It's still not established what gives the Guardians authority over the Kwamis in the first place.

Two of the Kwamis accidentally start a video chat with her friends, leading to some more Unfunny Marinette Slapstick. But Alya thinks something's up with her friend.

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Has Marinette even told Alya she's already in a relationship? Like, at all? It feels like all Alya is there for now is to remind the audience that Marinette and Adrien are “meant to be”, even if they're both in relationships right now. It's either that, or teasing Marinette over her crush and doing nothing to help her anxiety.

Marinette accidentally ends the call, before Luka calls to thank her for the pictures of Adrien one of the Kwamis accidentally sent him. Yeah, even though he barely appears in this episode (barring his scenes at Cat Noir), they're going to talk about Adrien a lot. Marinette continues to stammer around Luka (once again making fun of people who have speech issues), but Luka, being the ray of sunshine in any abysmal episode he's in, is completely understanding of it. He also sets up a pretty funny joke.

Apparently, Marinette missed her last date with Luka yesterday to see a movie that was re-released, Crocodile Heart, that was actually Jagged Stone's first movie. I wonder if it's connected to Crocodile Dundee.

While walking to the movie, Luka and Marinette play a game finishing the lyrics of a Jagged Stone song, establishing the former as a huge fan of the rock star. Before we can actually get an on-screen kiss for Lukanette, Mr. Pigeon attacks yet again, because I guess he's the first villain Hawkmoth wants to use in his new form.

Cat Noir sneaks up on Ladybug, causing her to accidentally throw him off a building before catching him, chastising him for the stupid jokes, yet Ladybug has to apologize for missing patrol with her partner, who casually acknowledges her new status as Guardian before the two go and fight Mr. Pigeon.

By the time they defeat him, the movie ends as Marinette gets back, disappointing Luka. We then get a montage of Marinette bailing on Luka multiple times to stop Akumas and Sentimonsters. To his credit, Luka is seriously torn up by all the times Marinette leaves him, showing he isn't just a calm soul.

After Marinette gets back, Luka takes her underneath a bridge to listen to the echoing sound of the water. Luka says that he never knew his father, and he would always go here to relax whenever he got stressed. He uses this to segue into asking Marinette where she constantly disappears to. He doesn't pressure her or anything like Alya, and he even says that if she still loves Adrien, he'll understand. He only asks for the truth. Unfortunately, Marinette can't tell him the truth, which just breaks the poor boy's heart.

Hawkmoth, now calling himself Shadowmoth, sends out an Akuma and an Amok for Luka at the same time, corrupting a guitar pick signed by Jagged Stone that Marinette gave him. And again, to Luka's credit, he fights back against Shadowmoth's influence at first, saying he trusts Marinette, but the temptation of knowing the truth is too good to pass up. He tells Marinette to run before being akumatized into Truth, assisted by the Sentimonster Pharro.

Truth's design is... pretty forgettable. The guitar pick being prominent around his neck is a nice touch, but it's just a generic black bodysuit with light blue highlights, and he has a third eye instead of a visible mouth. Pharro is also pretty boring, just a giant eye that freezes people in place so Truth can use his powers to make them tell the truth.

So Truth goes back to where everyone else was hanging out before he was akumatized and asks Alya to tell him the truth about Marinette.

Yeah, he's right, Alya. That's what you believe. We're supposed to treat Alya saying Marinette loves Adrien as an unbiased source. Truth asks Rose, Mylene, Tom, and Sabine what Marinette's secret is in this episode, and they all say she's in love with Adrien. That isn't actually the truth. It's like asking an atheist if there is a God. You know what they believe is the truth, but you don't know if that answer is actually the truth. Why not have them reveal other secrets about Marinette, giving the audience subtle character details? Like the writers could make someone say stuff like she still sleeps with a nightlight on, or that she secretly gets cookies from another bakery.

You know what also would have worked? Instead, have Truth catch Marinette before she transforms into Ladybug, ask who she actually loved, and then she'll blurt out Adrien's name, shocking both her and Luka. This could also make Ladybug's confidence in herself waver throughout the episode, wondering if she actually loved Luka at all. That would have been much better drama than what we're going to get instead.

Ladybug charges in to stop Truth, but is zapped by his truth ray, meaning she'll be forced to tell the truth when asked any question. Before she can admit her identity, Cat Noir saves her by retreating with her into the Seine, before reassuring Ladybug that he wouldn't force her to tell the truth by force. It's a nice bit that does show he respects Ladybug's secret, a far cry from his behavior in episodes like “Syren” and “Frozer”. Truth turns his attention to his mother Anarka, and asks who his father is.

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Yes. Seriously. This is happening. Luka's father is actually Jagged Stone. I have... mixed feelings regarding this development, but my biggest question is, well... they're doing this now? They couldn't save this for another episode? I mean, was focusing on Luka and Marinette's relationship (something that had been established since Season 2) not good enough of a plot for the writers? Why shoehorn in this plot development? Why not save this part as a teaser for a future episode? You know, have Luka walk home, and remember what he made his mother say as Truth, setting up an episode focusing on his relationship with Jagged Stone.

But no! Instead, we're just supposed to go along with the plot taking a detour. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want Jagged Stone to appear in this episode.

Truth heads over to the hotel where Jagged Stone lives and asks him if he's actually his father, the latter admitting that Anarka was right. Truth naturally isn't happy.

Well, to be fair, it's still a better title than his first drafts, like “It's Not My Fault the Condom Broke”, or “Up Yours, I'm Not Paying the Child Support, Bitch”.

Honestly, I can get what the writers are going for, and I like the idea of them trying to give some depth to a character who was mostly used for comic relief in earlier episodes. The problem is, as much as they want to portray Jagged as regretful for walking out on his family, it still doesn't excuse him for never even bothering to check in on his children and their mother while writing a song about it. He doesn't even bother to give some money to the person he knocked up.

I'm not saying a conflicted relationship like this can't work in animation (a decent example being Steven Universe slowly growing to resent his mother for her time as Pink Diamond and believing his birth was an excuse for her to avoid responsibility), but you need to put more emotion into this. I don't come from a broken home, but if it turned out my dad was, let's say, “Weird Al” Yankovic, even if I enjoy his music, I wouldn't be happy that he decided to come back now of all times without so much as a “hello”.

Truth goes to Marinette's house/bakery, and starts looking for Marinette's diary to find out her secrets. It's almost like the minor plotline that he has a deadbeat dad was only there to eat up airtime. Ladybug is still affected by Truth's powers, and not long after she summons her Lucky Charm, Cat Noir is zapped too, so he starts asking questions that basically amount to complimenting certain qualities he and Ladybug have. When Ladybug asks him what he thinks about her being Guardian, Cat Noir says nothing's changed between them. It's a nice strategy, very reminiscent of when they had to talk in rhyme when fighting Frightengale. I'm also glad they aren't trying to play up Cat Noir not feeling as important immediately now that his partner has access to top secret information.

Cat Noir Cataclysms Pharro, but rather than destroying the Sentimonster, it causes it to go out of control, accidentally paralyzing Truth with some manipulation from her and Cat Noir. Ladybug then de-evilizes both the Akuma and Amok, defeating Truth.

Marinette struggles to find the words to explain things to Luka, but he says that he'll be waiting for her when she's ready. While walking back to his houseboat, Luka runs into Jagged Stone, who promises to write a song together with him. Because I guess Shadowmoth was kind enough of him to not erase that part of his memory. And of course, Luka just accepts this despite the fact that Jagged was absent from his entire life.

So according to this show, you shouldn't bother to give mean people a second chance, but it's okay to give your deadbeat dad a second chance without harboring any negative feelings? I'm sorry, but I just don't see the point of shoving in this subplot if you're barely going to do anything with it before coming to a resolution. If there was more detail put into it, like if Luka just angrily lashed out at Jagged for abandoning his mom, I would have been more open to it. But in the end, this major character revelation is nothing more than filler the episode doesn't need.

We cut to what I'm surprised doesn't happen at the end of every episode given how much crap she gets, Marinette crying in her bed, saying it's too dangerous to have a boyfriend thanks to Shadowmoth. One of the Kwamis apparently doesn't know what crying is, so Marinette asks them to give her a hug, and the showrunners really need to find another song to play at the end, because the upbeat song playing doesn't go with Marinette crying at all. Imagine if this song played at the end of Deep Space Nine's “In the Pale Moonlight” when Captain Sisko confessed to basically being an accessory to the murder of an alien ambassador. It'd be tonally jarring, wouldn't it?

Even the ending image doesn't feature Luka and Marinette together. Instead, he's hugging it out with Deadbeat Stone like everything's okay.

So yeah, that's how the episode ends. In case you couldn't tell, I thought it was awful.

Remember in my New York Special review, where I theorized that Astruc rewrote it to focus more on Adrienette to stop people from shipping Lukanette? I have another theory that I also want to be taken with a grain of salt. I think this episode might have also been rewritten a little to follow up on that. I mean, why else would Astruc spend two seasons building up Luka's relationship with Marinette only to rip it away the episode after they officially get together? It would also explain why it feels like there's two separate episodes going on with how shoehorned in Jagged Stone is.

But other than that, this episode managed to screw up the one thing I was actually looking forward to about this season, seeing Marinette together with Luka. Even if they were going to break up, I was hoping there would at least be a character arc for Marinette where she realizes what she truly wants in a relationship isn't with Luka, leading into a relationship with Adrien where she feels more confident in herself. I was at least hoping their relationship would last more than A SINGLE EPISODE.

In fact, remember that tweet Astruc made soon after the New York Special, defending Marinette and Adrien essentially cheating on Luka and Kagami respectively?

What exactly was so complicated about Season 4 when you're immediately going to break up a couple you spent two seasons building up? Astruc's predictions are about as accurate as Uri Geller.

And then there's the fact that all everyone talks about this episode is Adrien. Marinette's wall is covered with pictures of him, Alya thinks her friend's abnormal behavior is because Adrien's in the room with her, Luka somehow knows Marinette loves Adrien and is actually cool with it, and everyone else thinks that it's her biggest secret. How convenient is it that all of this happens when barring his scenes as Cat Noir, Adrien doesn't appear in this episode barring a five second cameo?

When I was writing this episode, I saw a tweet Astruc made addressing a question someone posed, asking why Adrien didn't get as much screentime in the recent Shanghai Special. He said that “history does not revolve around him”.

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For the love of God, writers, just give Marinette a plotline that doesn't revolve around her feelings for Adrien for once. People already started to get sick of it halfway through last season. Either have her confess and make the Love Square canon, or stop letting it dominate the main story for once. Why can't the writers just let her move on from Adrien for more than a single episode? Give her a goddamn break already.

I once again have to ask: what was the point of building up a relationship between Luka and Marinette since Season 2, if you're just going to break them up the second they get together? Why make a big deal about Marinette's conflicted feelings for both Adrien and Luka if you're just going to ignore her feelings for the latter in favor of the former? And remember, chronologically, this was right after the end of Chloe's “damnation arc”, another plotline that had been built up since Season 2 only to be aborted in favor of “sUbVeRtInG tHe AuDiEnCe'S eXpEcTaTiOnS”. It feels like the writers are trying to punish people for getting emotionally invested in any storyline that doesn't relate to the holy pairing that is the Love Square.

This episode is just frustrating to watch. Part of me knew Marinette and Luka were going to break up, but I didn't think it would be this bad, and it would be so soon. I'm glad they're on somewhat good terms, and I liked the buildup to Luka realizing Marinette might not trust him, but the timing of this episode is what baffles me the most. Is it any wonder I think Astruc may have rewritten this episode?

If any Lukanette shippers need to recover, I'd recommend checking out @mc-lukanette. They have some wholesome one-shots and fix-it fics for some of the weaker episodes of the series. In fact, she already wrote a fix-it to this abysmal episode that’s so much better than what we got.

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luna-eclipse2000 · 4 years ago

Text

Prepare

Jean Kirschtein x Criminal!Reader

I’ve lived in the interior all my life. On the outside, I’m a sweet, harmless little girl. But if you managed to dig deep enough, manage being the key word, you’d find something dark. Something... less than ladylike. My father runs in the underground city but comes up for air every so often so no one gets suspicious. My mother and I just sit still and look pretty. Bake cookies and sew dresses for orphanages and neighbours so everyone thinks we’re perfect. But this won’t be my life forever. No... I’ve been doing some training with father for years to prepare me to join the training corps. It was originally supposed to be my brother but he was kicked out years ago for slacking off and just pissing the general off. So he got to run an above ground business to bring more money in, legal money. I’ve done nothing but prepare all my life. Prepare dinner, prepare to become a soldier, prepare to smile, prepare to dance with the devil. I’m going to join the training corps to prepare to be an MP. It would help my family get out of sticky situations. When I walk up to my first day of training, I think to myself “I’ve been preparing myself for this my whole life. Don’t be a screw up like (b/n).”

Out of everything I’ve prepared for, the one thing I hadn’t... was him. Jean Kirschtein. I wasn’t prepared to hear him speak for the first time to General Shadis. I wasn’t prepared to be so annoyed with someone. I wasn’t prepared to hate his guts a few days later when he called me Princess because of me being born in the interior. I wasn’t prepared to find his hair stupid. I wasn’t prepared to laugh when Eren called him a horse face. I wasn’t prepared to fight him right after which caused us to have to clean the stables together for a week. I wasn’t prepared for him to take me down in sparring. I wasn’t prepared to become friends with him and Marco. I wasn’t prepared to want to spend time with him. I wasn’t prepared to find him funny... but I mostly wasn’t prepared to fall for him. I wasn’t prepared to wake up one day and realize how his stupid hair suits him well. I wasn’t prepared to get distracted by him in training. I wasn’t prepared to feel butterflies when he caught me after my ODM gear broke midair. I wasn’t prepared to feel happy when graduation rolled around and remember that I was going to be in the MPs with him. I wasn’t prepared to jump in his arms when I saw that I was fourth place and he was sixth. I wasn’t prepared for Marco’s death just a week later. I wasn’t prepared to find Jean hiding away in the stables, and for me to fall asleep while comforting him. Then the next thing I wasn’t prepared for...

“Damn it... I’m gonna join the Scouts!” Jean exclaims. Since day one it’s been the MPs so he could live a safe, luxurious life. I didn’t know how to comprehend this. I’m not close with any of the other top ten cadets, and I’m not used to being alone anymore. I’m not prepared to make my final decision; Military Police, or the Scouts. So I leave. I leave the cremation ceremony to go to the barracks to be by myself. I’ve never been prepared to cry over death because it happened so often. I’m prepared to clean up bodies, but not cry over them. I hear the door open but I refuse to look up, thinking that it’s just Mikasa as she got back with Armin. “Hey.” I hear Jean greet me and then feel my bed dip as he sits beside me. “You still joining the MPs?”

“God, I don’t know! I don’t want to upset my family and I don’t want to face those horrid creatures again! If I join the Scouts, I’ll be a disgrace to my family. They’ve depended on me joining since my brother screwed up the opportunity.” I tell him. “Honestly, I think it’s an easy decision. Join the Scouts with me. Help me keep people safe, and help keep me sane.” Jean says. I scoff. “An easy decision? This isn’t an easy fucking decision! You don’t know what I’m risking if I don’t join the MPs. Disgrace to you isn’t as big as disgrace to me!”

“Oh, right, I forgot that you’re used to having your shit cleaned up for you because you’ve gotten tolerable over the years.” Jean says. “Oh, my lord! That’s not why I’d be a disgrace!” I say exasperatedly. “Then what is it? WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM STAYING WITH ME?!” Jean asks. “MY FAMILY OWNS A CRIME RING!” I shout back and immediately cover my mouth as I realize what I said.

I was not prepared to say that. I wasn’t prepared to see Jean’s face turn to one of confusion, and then anger a second later. I wasn’t prepared to feel fear and regret when Jean started shouting at me angrily. I wasn’t prepared to start begging him to stay and him to completely ignore me. I wasn’t prepared to be accused by him the next day of having known what happened to the two titan subjects. I wasn’t prepared to receive a letter from my father saying that, because Jean knows about my ties, that I was no longer welcome home. I wasn’t prepared to feel so alone. I wasn’t prepared to join the Scouts as a result. I wasn’t prepared to die at the hands of a titan. I wasn’t prepared to hear Jean apologize to my barely lifeless body for ignoring me for the past month, leaving me alone. And then I wasn’t prepared to feel him kiss me as my sight went black and I was greeted by Marco standing in the warm light of Heaven.

#attack on titan #jean kirschtein x reader #jean kirschtien #jean kirstein #jean x reader #jean kirschstein #jean x you #jean aot #jean snk #jean angst #eren jäger #eren yeager #eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert #marco bott #marco bodt

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vonlipvig · 4 years ago

Note

“sure why not” 03 - 05 - 06 - 15 - 17 - 20 - 38 - 56 - 58 - 70 - 72 (if you cant youre weak) - 74 - 77 - 80 - 84 - 123 - 134

IF NOBODY GOT ME I KNOW BELA GOT ME CAN I GET AN AMEN LET’S GO

3. 3 Fears

The Big Three are butterflies, claustrophobia-inducing spaces, and google earth, mostly the water.

5. 4 turn ons

;)

Men with long hair (but like...nice long hair, not greasy nerds lmao).

Deep, sexy voices.

Redheaded women.

Tall.

6. 4 turn offs

Hmm, no sure, so in no particular order:

Being a fucking Tool

Weeaboos

Redheaded men

Heavily pierced people

15. Favorite quote

“It was sad music. But it waved the sadness like a battleflag. It said the universe had done all it could but you were still alive” -- Terry Pratchett, Soul Music. God, it gets me everytime.

17. Favorite food

It’s pasta, babey. Of course it’s pasta (Specifically? Dunno, but probably something like penne rigate or farfalle with a cream based sauce, very simple but delicious)

20. First thing I notice in new person

...If they’re hot, probably lmao. I don’t meet that many new people, but hey, always gotta keep an eye out!

38. The reason I joined Tumblr

I was at a friend’s house back in...2012? 2013? And she told me and the rest of us there to make some blogs here cause it was fun, so I made one to be in the Amnesia: The Dark Descent fandom, and that’s where I discovered Sherlock and well...you can guess the rest.

(It’s funny cause that friend wasn’t even a “fandom” person, she was into pop stars lmao)

56. If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Please let me meet someone from Survivor, I won’t even be picky, c’mon please. I wanna say hi to Parvati or take a pic with Boston Rob, please I would just Die.

58. What’s my strangest talent?

I don’t think I have many talents, least of all ones that could be considered strange, but I can lipsync and sing along to “Stop! Wait! What!?” from A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder perfectly, which I think is pretty cool.

70. What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

Probably the one time in fourth grade where I was playing tag and ran facefirst into the wall and chipped my two front teeth. God we were stupid.

72. Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

oF COURSE I CAN’T, WTF.

74. Favorite animal?

ELEPHANTS. AAAAAAH ELEPHANTS ARE JUST SO CUTE AND SMART AND THEY GET SAD AND AAAAAAAA.

77. What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

I’m gonna go with Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Me and the Boys in the Band”, because it’s just so damn catchy and fun! (also what a CRIME that it isn’t on Spotify, smh)

80. What is my favorite word?

Oh, “bamboozle” for SURE. Such a top tier word. Unmatched.

84. I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

HHHGGGG, I’m always torn between shapeshifting and flying, but y’know what? I’m not that unhappy with my own image, so flying it is! Just being able to fly around, in total control of the situation? Fucking AWESOME.

123. Dyed my hair?

Actually, never. Don’t think I want to, either. I’m not sure it’d look good, but idk. Maybe a lighter brown someday?

134. What do I want for birthday?

Literally the only thing I want for my birthday is to have the Inception-themed cake that I couldn’t have last year, which was the 10-year anniversary of the film :(

Ask me more stuff!

#thank you belaaa i was mad bored lmao #juli answers #ask game #belaluxe

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bang-to-the-tan · 5 years ago

Text

Moth to Flame

Chapter 9

Reader x OT7

► Vampire!AU

Smut/Porn With Some Plot

Warnings: Explicit Reference to Self Harm, Explicit Duress, Voyeurism, Public Sex, Degredation, Somewhat Dubious Consent/Hypnosis, Oral Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Male Masturbation, Handjob, Threesome (M/M/F), Possessiveness, Vampires (Biting, Blood-Sucking, Reference to Death), Language

Words: 8.3K

↳ Summary: Robbed of your memories and intended as a birthday present for a deadly creature of the night, you unwittingly become the center of a territorial dispute between two covens of vampires. Tensions are rising and the brothers are getting hungry…

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“Hold her upright, I can’t wash her stomach properly with her hunched like this.”

“I’m trying, she’s too—”

“She’s slipping!”

“Well, help me get a better grip, then!”

Warmth underneath your armpits, heating your back. There’s pressure tapping steadily on the top of your head, trailing down in front of your face and down your neck. Wet. It’s wet. It feels really good, actually. Everything is warm and soft.

“Wait, holy shit.”

“Grab her waist!”

Why are you hovering like this? You cast a glance down, feeling dizzy at the way that your vision swivels drunkenly. Legs. Those are your legs. They won’t stand upright. Ah. The tiling under your feet is pretty, though. Green. You like green.

“Jungkook!” The warm skin is hands. There are arms underneath yours, wide hands gripping your shoulders. Your body slips limply and both you and the person behind you nearly go down, saved only by thudding into the wall. You watch your feet swing in front of another pair of tanned feet. Can you exchange feet? Those ones look like they work. They’re really big. They work but you bet you’d have a hard time finding cute shoes for them.

“I think she’s waking up!”

More hands, one holding each cheek, lifting your head to meet wide, brown eyes. Dazed as you are, a smile pulls at your lips when you recognize the face waving in front of you. You know him, that’s Jungkook. You love Jungkook.

“Hey, hey,” he soothes. His thumbs caress your cheeks as he bobs his head, watching the way your eyes follow him with excitement. “Hey. Thank god. You’re okay…”

“Sleepy,” you correct him, slurring.

“W-what?”

“What did she say?” That must be Taehyung, his deep voice rumbling through your back in a way very familiar.

“You’re sleepy?”

You hum.

“O-okay, that’s okay—”

“Is she alright?”

“I don’t know. I need you to wake up for us. Can you do that? Wake up.”

“She doesn’t sound alright.”

You consider the command. You can feel his words rolling over your skin—but they pass right over you just as surely as the water. They don’t sink in, don’t flood your sight or curl through your body like they usually do. Water. Ah. That’s water. It feels really nice.

You hum again. Water, water, tiles, tiles. Are you naked? Yes. You are. Then it must be a shower. You’re having a shower. You like having a shower. You’re really dizzy and it’s hard to focus your eyes. The world spins headily. Not so much a fan of that part.

“No, no, no, hey, stay with us—!” Jungkook pats your face, squishes your cheeks, but your eyelids are drooping of their own accord, painting him in the shadows of your eyelashes and blurring his colors and outlines together.

“She’s going out again? Let me try—”

“I—it didn’t work at all, it’s not working anymore—“

“She’s going limp!”

You certainly are. Your motor control, what little of it you had to begin with, is giving up. Your vision doesn’t seem to want to stay put. Your head lolls. The edges of your sight darken and furl inwards.

“Jimin! Jimin, get—”

“Wake up.”

Your eyelids fly open. Your gaze blurs as you struggle to comprehend what you’re seeing, struggle to focus on the person staring intently at you. You feel a hand at your hairline, pushing your hair back from your face gently, and you purr in the wake of the contentment that washes over you. You aren’t in the shower anymore, but somewhere else familiar. More importantly, there is another man leaning over you and taking up most of your vision. Affection makes your heart swell when you realize who it is.

“Jin,” you croak through the smile beginning to form on your face. “Hello.”

“Hello,” he replies. His returned grin is small, but it’s there, and it fills your chest with warm butterflies. He looks tired again. He’s certainly not too pleased with something. Multiple somethings. You hope it isn’t you.

“I missed you,” you add.

He snorts. “Did you…?”

“I said it would work if it was Jin.” That’s Jimin. You can’t see him, but his voice is coming from somewhere to your right.

“You didn’t know for sure.” Taehyung points out. He’s over there, too, somewhere.

“She’s going to be okay now, right?” Jungkook. The gang’s all here, then. You cast a glance past Jin’s midnight-colored head, searching for cherry boy’s signature mop—but he’s out of your range. You can see the ceiling painting, though. And it’s soft beneath you. You must be back on the bed. Arousal sparks in your belly. On the bed, in the middle of all these wonderful men. You know how this goes.

“Just because I can haze her to wake up doesn’t mean she’s okay.” Jin replies. There’s annoyance in his tone. Something dark, warning. It fills the room with a kind of electricity. “How are you feeling?”

You watch him with wide eyes. The way he meets your gaze steadily tells you he’s waiting for you to answer. Oh. The question was for you. How are you feeling?

Your throat is sore. Your cunt feels a little used, but it’s not necessarily a bad feeling. The hurt at your neck is better, but you suspect that’s mostly because there’s a deep, pulsating throb at your breast that aches with pain and pleasure every time you inhale or exhale. Comparatively, your neck isn’t even on your list of priorities anymore.

Jin’s still waiting for you and with every second you take to contemplate his question, he gets more and more concerned, his eyebrows pulling together and his smile disappearing.

“I’m okay,” you settle on finally, cheerily. “Tired.”

“Listen to the way she’s slurring,” another voice puts in with a low whistle. “You three really fucked her up, huh?”

Your neck cranes and you cast your view around, looking in shock for the fourth member of the neat little party you’re currently having. There, by the doorway. It’s…Hoseok. That’s his name. He’s standing casually, hands in the pockets of his expensive-looking jacket. He meets your eyeline and grins widely, crookedly. His smile is all teeth, and it does something funny to your insides to watch him bare them.

“It was my fault—“ Jimin starts quickly, but Jungkook interrupts.

“It was my fault. I went too far.”

“You keep saying that.” Hoseok points out.

“Because it’s true.”

Deft hands slip chilly fingers into your collar—you’re wearing Namjoon’s hoodie again, you realize—and tug down to reveal the skin on your chest. Your breath catches in excitement, but Jin only frowns at the crimson marks left there.

“We didn’t take more than a mouthful each,” Taehyung insists suddenly, shifting. You catch a glimpse of his golden hair. It’s shiny. Wet. “And she was almost healed from when you fed anyways.”

Jin brushes a thumb over the bright wound, and you gasp. Electricity skitters from the point of contact, linking to your neck, travelling to alight your cunt. You writhe faintly, thighs rubbing together. It seems like Namjoon’s hoodie is the only thing you’re wearing at present. You make the mistake of meeting Jin’s glance as you make this realization. His tongue flits out nervously, eyes burning through yours as if he could pull you apart here, now, and swallow down the remains.

“I don’t think that’s the problem,” he hums. His lips barely move.

“I don’t think it’s not the problem,” Hoseok interjects in a half-amused, half-dangerous tone.

“It’s a problem. But…I’ve never seen this happen to someone. Never heard of someone passing out like that. Refusing to wake up. Not for this long at a time.”

“So…?”

“So maybe…maybe she’s been hazed too much?”

Jungkook scoffs. “Since when does hazing cause brain damage?”

“Did I say brain damage? Watch her when I touch the marks.”

This time, when he presses his thumb against the bite, a thrill crashes through your spine, flooding your limbs, and you audibly whine. You shift, and you don’t miss the way his resolve briefly wavers, how he watches your legs curl again, watches your chest rise and fall with a sharp inhale. Pleasure, low and deep, curls about your frame, fizzling out into your limbs and leaving you wanting.

“Okay, she’s a freak. I’ve seen chicks who were into weirder shit before.”

“That doesn’t seem like her.”

“Please don’t tell me you think you know her like a lover now,” Hoseok snaps back, but the amusement is fading from his eyes. He watches the back of Jin’s head with an expression like disbelief and concern. “What, are you two best friends now, since you fucked her like a whore and drank her like a meal?”

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Jungkook bites, and when he takes an impulsive step forward, he moves into your field of view. He looks legitimately angry, his handsome profile angled in a way that puts his body between you and the other vampire. His hair isn’t dry yet either, and it sticks to the sharp edges of his jawline, his cheekbones.

“You’ve called her worse.” His elder doesn’t move from his position against the doorway, but the way his eyes flit to meet him, sizes him up briefly, begs him to take another step. Promises him he’ll regret it. You shiver, reaching instinctively for Jin’s arm. He covers your hand with his, warm, rubbing a thumb across your knuckles, and it’s a comfort you readily sink into.

But Jimin interrupts, and as he moves to situate himself between the others, you can see him, too. He’s wearing his sweater again, and it’s returned him back to his sweet side. Huggable, soft—miles away from the man that demanded you choke on another’s cock. That pinned you to his elder’s bed and fucked you while his brother slid into your throat.

“She likes that sort of thing in the moment,” he confirms quietly. “But she’s really easy to get attached to when we haven’t had anything else in so long.”

Hoseok looks to him, and a kind of fondness crosses his expression for a split second. He nods, assenting, looking away. “Yeah. Alright. I get that.” When he meets Jungkook’s eye again, the tension that had been building dissolves—not completely gone, but ramped down significantly. “Sorry. I know you’ve had it rough lately.”

Jungkook nods, once, sharp. The angle of his shoulders doesn’t change.

“Its dangerous to get too attached, though.” Hoseok continues. “We’re not in the market for a pet. Just a temporary fix for a bad situation.”

“You aren’t telling me how to manage my coven.” Jin murmurs. It’s almost a question. He’s watching you, but he isn’t really looking at you. He’s musing on something deep, something hidden. You imitate his soothing rubbing, squeezing at his arm faintly. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could haze him? If you could bring him down here, with you, where it’s warm and safe and everything’s okay? You blink. Your eyes are feeling heavy again, but it’s a nice thought. He’s always so worried, so tired. You’re threatening to fade out at the corners.

“You’re right. I’m not.”

Jin doesn’t seem convinced. “…I don’t know that she’ll be alright to move right now in any case.”

“She obviously can’t stay here.”

“Mistakes were made—”

“Clearly.”

The dark-haired man in front of you finally rears up at the blatant tone in Hoseok’s voice. Still holding your hand, he turns, eyes flashing. “Watch it.”

“Your circus,” the other returns bluntly, unblinking. “Your monkeys. This was your problem from the start, Jin. Always has been.”

“You do not tell me how to manage my own coven, Hoseok.”

The two lock gazes, bristling. The younger vampires, in the corners of your sight, sway uncertainly. Jungkook’s jaw clenches, and you can see the muscles flex underneath his skin from here. Jimin casts a brief look towards you, licking his lips. He moves to take another intervening step, opens his mouth to try and diffuse the situation further, but Hoseok beats him to it, striding towards you and taking your free wrist in his hand. Jin’s hand slips from yours, but you maintain your grip on him as you’re pulled up from the bed, onto unsteady feet and into Hoseok’s chest. You get a gentle waft of whatever body wash he uses—vanilla-scented—as you stumble faintly and he catches you.

“I’m not telling you how to manage your coven,” he replies steadily, above you, his voice vibrating smoothly against your cheek. “But I am saying this isn’t the first time you refused to put your foot down.”

“You’re going to have to carry her out of here.” Jin’s response is hushed, but you can hear the danger lurking underneath the softness of his tone. You the fingers at your hand again, peeling you off his shirt sleeve. You wish you weren’t so disappointed to leave him. Another wash of tiredness floods over you and you sway, but Hoseok has you supported, holds you closer. “She can’t walk.”

“It won’t be the last time, either, until you do something about them.”

The body in front of you shifts, bending, his head dipping to your neck. Excitement again roils through your frame, automatically linking your arms around his shoulders, but he’s catching the backs of your knees, tucking your neck into the crook of his elbow, and suddenly he’s lifting you up off the ground into a bridal carry. He jostles you a little more comfortably, ignoring the way you stare at him, wide-eyed.

His features are so sharp, so delicate, the color of his skin so warm and inviting. His hair looks soft, dark and deftly styled. But there’s something else, deep inside of you, that sparks as you watch him. Like a light switch activated from a mile away. The way his mouth moves when he talks, his profile.

Jin continues to ignore him. “I tried to keep her fed, but obviously I was called out before I could make sure she had anything to eat, so she’ll probably be hungry once the haze wears off.”

“We’ll take care of her. Don’t worry about it.”

A warm palm to your cheek, encouraging your head to turn, to meet Jin’s eye.

“They’ll take care of you.” he repeats. “So you’ll behave yourself, right?”

You blink at him, distracted by the train of thought concerning Hoseok more than anything. Finally, you nod. He smoothes his thumb over your skin. He smiles, but it’s empty. Your heart sinks at the same time as another wash of sleepiness sweeps over you. Your blink takes too long, and you know he notices. You wish this didn’t feel like goodbye. The lingering warmth, comfort, from his haze, flickers like a flame and evaporates a little more, leaving you impossibly tired, weary.

“We’ll miss you,” you hear Taheyung murmur.

“Thank you,” Jimin adds, quiet.

Hoseok moves to walk out the door with you, his strides smooth and purposeful. Jin’s hand lingers on your face, but hesitantly begins to slip away. You watch the man above you, trying again to grasp at the vague memories that light up the depths of your mind, even as you sink further into velvety darkness.

“Tell Namjoon this makes us even.” Jin says.

“I’ll tell him, but you know it doesn’t.”

“He doesn’t get to judge me. Neither do you. I’m still your elder.”

Hoseok pauses in the doorway, cranes his head over his shoulder.

“This wouldn’t have happened back then. Namjoon wouldn’t have let it happen.”

You hear the shuffle of feet, as someone rushing forward suddenly, but it’s put to an abrupt halt. Hoseok’s face doesn’t change, still looking calmly behind him.

“Get out of my house, Hoseok.” When Jin’s voice comes again, it’s so much deeper, so much darker than you’ve ever heard it.

Hoseok smirks humorlessly and finally glances down at you. You waver, your sight darkening. Your hold around his neck is loosening despite your best efforts as you search his eyes, chasing that spark of familiarity.

“Let’s go home, pretty girl.”

You hum. He starts moving again, out the door, back down the hall, cradling you easily. Your neck lolls and you crane back to look into the room you’re leaving. Jungkook, standing next to Jin, Taehyung and Jimin behind them, still circled around the bed. All of them meet your eyes at once. Jin has one arm extended in front of Jungkook, who looks like he’s ready to fight, muscles tense and coiled, soft mouth curved into a frown. None of them look happy to see you go. None of them say anything as you keep moving, until the doorway swivels them out of sight and you start going down the stairs.

“Pretty girl.” You repeat to yourself. Hoseok doesn’t pay you any mind. You blink. The feeling fading from your limbs dissipates. Your eyes don’t reopen and instead you sink, body heavy, into an inky void.

It isn’t sleep that claims you, but something deeper. You let it have you for a time. The soft caress of nothingness that holds you tenderly. It’s nice. Until it breaks, like waves upon a shore made of neon.

Sweat, bodies bumping into you, the lingering taste of alcohol, universe spinning, bass thumping along with your heart. Your world is strobe lights and heavy air.

He’s watching you. You know he is. On the next beat, you make sure your hips swivel even harder, even more smoothly, your eyes half-lidded, bottom lip caught between your teeth. What would you do if he was up here with you, what thoughtless choices would you make? You need him to see what you’d do for him, what you’ll do if he keeps looking at you like that.

The music is so loud, it swallows up nearly everything, the whoops, the calling, the laughter from the drunk patrons. None of them have clearly defined faces. Their features melt and blend, sometimes too sharp and sometimes blurred entirely, but that’s okay. You’re not here for them. You’re here…you’re here for…

Your heart twists and you banish the pain that comes with that train of thought. You just need to dance. That’s it. You just need to dance.

As you turn, you hazard a brazen glance back to the bar. Back to the man watching your every move. Legs spread as he lounges on a barstool like he’s part of the scenery. He definitely appreciated that last swing, his mouth stretching into a dangerous grin. His tongue slips out to lick his teeth coyly, eyes dark. The man sitting next to him also casts a glance your way, a smirk pulling at his plush lips. Could you snag both of them? A thrill coasts through you as you consider the possibilities. He’s not the first one you’ve caught watching you. There’s a lot of handsome men out tonight. Where has the blonde disappeared off to? You can’t see him in the crowd. Not that it matters too much. Hands slide onto your waist, encouraging you into a feverish grind against firm hips, and you allow it, encourage it, make a scene out of it. You could take both of the two at the bar home, could take them anywhere, judging from their stares.

“You live around here?” A deep voice asks. It’s quiet, but it breaks through the noise easily, parts it like a stone in a brook.

“No.”

A hand leaves your waist to brush hair from your shoulder, lips nuzzle closer into the space underneath your jaw, murmuring against your neck.

“You come here often?”

“Never been here before.”

You’re responding easily enough, but you’re distracted by the men at the bar. The one you’ve focused on raises his eyebrows, cranes his head to his friend. You won’t pretend you catch everything he says. But you see him mouthing pretty girl.

…Hoseok? It’s Hoseok. Your stomach plummets, your universe tilts violently. Next to him, Namjoon makes an amused face, gesturing as he responds, but you lose everything he says.

You blink. Where are you? What are you doing? Why do you know this so well?

The deep-voiced stranger behind you chuckles, spins you around and suddenly you’re facing him. Blonde hair, purple eyes, killer grin.

“Came out all the way here just to dance? Or maybe just to stare at people?” he hums, tucking a finger under your jaw, still swaying with you to the music. His eyes are so intently focused on you, you can feel them burning underneath your skin. “Why?”

“That’s for me to know,” you purr, “And you to find out. If you wanted.”

You giggle flirtatiously, watching the strobe lights glance off his smirk, light up his hair. Why are you back here? What’s going on? Is this—is this a memory? Panic rises inside of you, curls, and even as you try to anchor yourself, try to calm down and keep a handle on everything, the memory flickers around you. The walls pulse, the music distorts. The patrons surrounding you on all sides flit in and out of existence, blurred, fading. Taehyungs head dips to your neck again, catching the flesh between his teeth with a brief nip. It hurts. It hurts, he’s broken skin, and you struggle backwards, except it doesn’t, and you don’t. You sigh, leaning into the teasing kiss he plants there.

“You don’t know the half of what I want,” he rumbles, thick.

You laugh again, and it echoes. The space is empty. The music is deafening. You can’t think, it’s so loud.

“Jin thinks she’s been hazed too much.”

Taehyung disappears from your grasp. You’re alone. And yet, there’s someone talking, pausing. You’re annoyed at it. Deeply.

“That’s what I said—the kids swear they didn’t take enough to cause any problems.”

The music stutters and halts, turning into some rap track. It’s much quieter, but you can still feel the bass. Your eyelids flutter and your nose scrunches as you slowly come back to reality. There’s cushion underneath you and the ambient sounds of gravel crunching all around, the whirr of an engine. And your head is splitting in half.

“Honestly, that’s gonna have to be up to you. I don’t know.”

You sit up with a quiet groan, pressing your palms to your eyes with a huff of pain. God, you have got the killer-est of migraines right now. Thank fuck it’s dark outside, but the flashes of streetlights are going to send you straight to your grave.

“Haha, I’ll take that bet. We’ll have to see.”

You peel your eyelids open with some effort, moving your hands to press to your temples, squinting blearily at your surroundings. You’re in the backseat of a car. Hoseok is driving, phone in one hand, other hand carelessly laid against the steering wheel. If he’s noticed that you’re up, he doesn’t show it. You almost gripe about him not paying enough attention to the road, but casting a glance out of the window tells you it’s probably either early as balls or late as hell. No one else is on the roads. You look at the dashboard. 2:30 AM. Figures.

“Yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely. It should be worn off completely by then anyways.”

You glare disparagingly at the vampire in the front seat, frowning. God, does he have to talk so loudly? You shift again. Your body feels like if a garbage dump was a person. Your neck hurts, your chest hurts—sharp and painful. Your throat and all of your limbs are sore. You grunt as you scoot backwards in the seat. The downstairs is not too thrilled at the moment, either. You’ve really taken a beating.

“Sounds like a good idea to me. Yeah. No.” Hoseok chuckles. As you look up, you accidentally lock eyes with him through the rearview mirror. “No, I don’t think that’s too much. She can take it.”

A shiver runs through you, and he definitely catches on, his smirk growing.

“Yeah. We’ll meet you there.” He clicks the phone off and sets it down on the passenger’s seat before looking back up, briefly craning over the seat to flash a grin your way.

“Hello, hello, sleepyhead.”

“Keep your eyes on the road,” you huff, hoarse. “Maniac.”

“Aw, what’s the matter? Someone’s grumpy. You were all over me a little while ago.”

“Yeah, when I was brainwashed,” you snap back, crossing your arms and turning to face the window. “And now I have a raging headache.”

“Interesting choice of words. Raging.” His tongue slips over the word too smoothly and you hate him for it.

“Don’t you fucking think about it. Closed for business.”

“That’s new. Sounds to me like you were all sorts of open.”

“I—” Memories, fragments of them, flash in your mind, and your throat goes dry. Hands all over you, hushed whispers, murmurs; being used up and drained dry like a toy. You push it all down aggressively. “I wasn’t in my right mind.”

Hoseok laughs at that. “Right. Right. You were hazed.”

The way he says it, like it’s a flimsy excuse, has you balking, craning to pull a disbelieving face at him.

“Yeah! I was!”

He only chuckles. “How are you feeling?”

“You already asked me that.”

“Jin asked,” he corrects, careless, “And I’m asking again. Now that you’re ‘in your right mind’.”

“Everything hurts.”

“Everything?” You can hear the raise in his eyebrows. You elect to ignore it.

“I’ve got a headache.”

“You mentioned. Bad?”

“Bad enough I’m already sick of whatever you’ve got playing on the radio.”

“Don’t insult my musical tastes just because you made bad decisions this morning.”

You shift again, frowning out the window. “They weren’t my decisions.”

“Uh-huh.”

It’s quiet between the two of you for a second, you delving into a surly silence and him seemingly content with leaving you to marinate in it. You spot a neon sign saying something about waffles lighting up a sparsely populated parking lot and to your surprise, he starts to pull into it.

“Hungry?” you ask, incredulous. What are they even doing open at this time…? You’ve heard of 24/hr breakfast diners—but as far as you know, there’s never been one by where you lived.

Wait. Where you live?

“A little bit.”

The car jerks as he pulls up and puts it into park, unbuckling his seat belt.

Where do you live?...

God, it was almost there. It was almost there. You don’t even notice that he’s gotten out until the door you were leaning against opens and almost dumps you out onto the pavement.

“Not as much as Yoongi, though.” He’s still talking. You shuffle upwards, frowning at your surroundings as you dismount, trying not to wince as literally all of you complains in a chorus of aches. “Which is lucky for you.”

“Lucky me,” you echo sardonically, avoiding the hand he reaches out to help you to the door. You’ll stumble, thanks.

“It is.”

He takes your arm anyways, tugging you in close to himself, looking you over when you shoot a glare up at him.

“He probably would have pulled over on the side of the road if you were moaning in your sleep in his backseat.”

You freeze, mortified, meeting his eyes. Not a hint of a lie in his chocolatey depths. “…I wasn’t.”

“Oh, you were.” He pats your arm with his free hand, mouth stretching into a dopey grin, mockingly consoling. “Yeah.”

“No.”

“Like a pornstar. A lesser man wouldn’t have made it all this way.”

You roll your eyes, but let him lead you through the doors, cringing at the too-bright sound of the bell hung above them. As you could have guessed from the lack of cars outside, it’s not exactly crowded in here. One or two people, a group of clearly intoxicated youngsters—and a familiar face, seated at a booth tucked into the divider that splits the restaurant in two. Namjoon smiles at you, raising an arm to usher you over. Across from him, back towards you, you can see black hair. That must be Yoongi. He doesn’t turn around.

“That being said, if it’s my name you’re calling next time,” Hoseok’s voice has dropped into a low growl, lips barely moving as you both walk closer to the table. You can feel his breath hot against your ear. “I’ll be sure to give you something to moan about.”

Treacherous arousal skirts down your spine and straight to your crotch and you wince at the brief ache, refusing to look at him.

“Glad you could make it,” Namjoon says, eyes squishing upwards as his grin widens congenially. If he notices your mild discomfort, he doesn’t show it. Yoongi looks up as you come around the side, looking first to you, then Hoseok, then back to you. He prods the inside of his cheek with his tongue, nodding as a form of greeting. The circles under his eyes have gotten darker, and his hair looks almost ragged, unbrushed, hanging into his face. When he scoots inwards to allow you a seat, you can see his hand shaking for just a second. He looks sickly. The lights in here are too harsh, they hurt your eyes, make the thudding in your head all that much worse.

“It’s not like there’s traffic,” Hoseok snipes, but it’s comfortable, familiar. You shoot him a surprised look when he goes to sit next to you, encouraging you to shift closer to Yoongi, instead of joining Namjoon on the other side, but he only raises his eyebrows and makes shooing motions with his hand. You do what you can, but Yoongi doesn’t seem interested in moving and you end up thigh to thigh with him, smelling his gentle cologne, pressed to his forearm. Hoseok sprawls obnoxiously on the end of the seat, slinging an arm around the back and casting a pleased look about the table.

“Sounds like you’ve had an exciting morning,” Namjoon begins.

You hum noncommittally, trying to focus on monitoring your breathing. You know Yoongi can hear your heartbeat, know he can smell only god knows what on you. It’s then that you realize Namjoon’s got a milkshake in front of him, bright pink and chock full of strawberries, and there’s a basket of fries sitting next to the drinks menu on the end of the table. Forget what Yoongi can smell, because you catch a whiff of them and your stomach coils painfully, an embarrassing growl sounding in your gut. They smell perfect. Delicious. Your mouth waters.

“Oh!” Namjoon blinks, pushing them towards you. “Yeah, here, we got these for you. Jin said you’d probably be hungry.”

Despite the eager expression on his face, you hesitate.

“…Are you sure? You don’t want any?” you ask quietly.

“Not hungry for fries.” Yoongi mumbles, hoarse. You aren’t going to look at him.

“That’s really cute, actually,” Hoseok scoffs with a smile, shaking his head. “’You don’t want any’.”

“All for you, baby. Go ahead.”

On the one hand, you wish you could say you were patient and diligent with this unconventional gift. But in reality, you nearly grabbed a handful of fried potato goodness and stuffed it down your maw with all the ferocity of a half-starved bear. You eat like it’s going out of style, reveling in the overly greasy saltiness of the fries and the sweetness of the shake, and when it’s finally over, basket empty, glass drained, you sink back into your seat with a heavy, contented sigh. The lights are still blaring but the dull ache in your head is at least helped with some food.

“Better?” It’s with an embarrassed feeling that you realize everyone at the table has been watching you eat intently, but the smile on Namjoon’s face is nothing but deeply pleased.

“…Yes. Thank you.” You finally mumble, quiet.

“Anytime.”

“You really were hungry, huh?”

“For something besides cock.” Yoongi pipes in again, under his breath, and this time, it catches you by enough surprise that you flit over to meet his stare. “It sounds like you’ve had more than your fill of that lately, hm?” he clarifies, low. You flush. His tongue flits out to drag across his lips, studying the way you turn away quickly.

You look instead to Namjoon, hoping he’ll chastise his comrade or at least turn the conversation to something else, but his eyes have darkened, his smile unwavering.

“That’s okay,” he says, tone dipping into deceptively calm waters. “It’s hard to resist Jin’s boys. Even after you’ve been told to stay away.”

“I—”your voice catches in your throat. “I was hazed.”

“Yeah?” He blinks, still smirking. His head cocks.

You cast a disbelieving glance around the table. Hoseok only offers you a raise of his eyebrows and Yoongi’s eyes are busy trailing up your body at a snail’s pace. He’s not listening to your words. You have got to stop looking at him—everytime you do, a shiver crawls down your spine and you have to resist the urge to shift your thighs away from him. You turn back to Namjoon.

“So I had no control over any of it!” you clarify, lowering your voice when a waitress passes by. “It’s not like I could just break out of it. I didn’t have any say in what happened.”

Namjoon chuckles, craning forwards to rest his elbows on the table. He takes a breath like he’s explaining simple concepts to a child, watching some indeterminate point in space to his left. “Like mind control. Is that what you think haze is?”

“…obviously?”

His eyes flit to meet yours again and your stomach goes into free fall. “If we could control every human being like that, twist them in ways they didn’t want, command what we need from them, why are we starving?”

Now that gives you pause. You think of Jungkook. Of Yoongi. You can’t say you’ve thought about it—not that you’ve had time to. It doesn’t make sense, you guess, but…?

“I—I don’t…”

“Take a steak knife from the silverware holder.” Namjoon’s haze is light, almost sweet, but it swirls about your skin just the same, fills your lungs with stardust. Immediately, you reach for a knife, curling your fingers around the handle. You aren’t sure what you’re doing with it, but you’ve got it now. Everything is as it should be. You immediately relax.

“Put your other hand on the table, palm up.”

It’s already done. You blink, looking down at your hand, faintly mesmerized by the way the overhead light plays off the lines in your skin. Something, something sour, curls in your belly. Vaguely, you’re aware of the soft snicker to your right. Yoongi. What is he laughing for?

“Raise the knife a little higher.”

Why is your stomach coiling? You’ve broken out into a cold sweat. Your hands are starting to tremble. There’s something wrong. Something wrong?

“Hold it over your palm.”

“P-please.” You stammer. What for? What is this feeling? There’s panic building inside you so intense your legs are restless, your chest is beginning to rise and fall rapidly with harshening breaths. It’s not you speaking, but it’s your voice that leaves your lips, frantic. “Please, Namjoon, please, don’t—”

Your hand tingles, your fingers twitch.

“When I say ‘now’,” he’s still talking, evenly, smoothly, “Bring the knife down. Hard. Push it through the table. Understand?”

You’re shaking so hard it’s visible, tears building up in your eyes and coursing down your cheeks when you blink, confused. Your breathing is shuddery now, on the verge of sobs and there is screaming in your head again.

“Of cour-of cour—ple-please, Nam—of course,” your teeth are chattering.

“Ready?”

You take a huge gulp of air, vision spinning, chest heaving; what is going on with you? Maybe you’ll be okay once he says the word. Once you do as he says. A hand curls around your wrist, pinning your hand to the table more firmly, even as it convulses, twitches. Hoseok. He’s helping you. That’s nice. But you’re still crying. Another hand, hesitant, slipping across your thigh. Dangerous, feather light. Yoongi.

“Ready?” he echoes, rasping into your ear.

You nod. Except you don’t. Your head is shaking fervently ‘no’. A whimper escapes your throat and you almost vibrate right out of your seat.

“Now.”

You scream. You’re sobbing. Shaking, every muscle in your body drawn painfully tight, legs seizing. You can’t see, you’re crying so hard, and you can feel the drops on your arm, dripping down your chin. Your teeth are clenched to the point that you’re not far from breaking them, head bowed, shoulders taut.

A second, two, pass.

Oxygen rushes through your lungs when you finally let go of the breath you were holding, sucking in air with gasping sobs that wrack your entire frame. Forcefully, you open your right hand, the handle of the knife sliding from your grasp and falling to the table with a clatter that sounds too loud, too deafening, even in competition with the sound of your weeping. You curl forward, pulling your free arm into your chest, still shuddering violently.

“Do you get it?” Namjoon murmurs.

Your mind whirls, skin prickling, shivering.

“Why didn’t you do it?”

“You fucker,” you spit, suddenly filled with white-hot rage. You jump to stand, but Yoongi’s hand on your thigh and Hoseok’s hand on your wrist both flex with inhuman strength, forcing you back down. You shoot daggers at Namjoon through the tears, teeth bared.

“You didn’t do it,” he answers himself, scooting forward again. “Because I can’t make you do it.”

“You almost made me stab myself?!” your voice rises in pitch, angry. “To prove a point?!”

“You can’t keep hiding behind haze. We’re gonna break you out of that habit now.” He returns, even. His hand comes too fast towards you and he grips your chin, pursing your lips. His grin is feral this time. You flinch to raise your other arm towards him, unsure if you’re going to push him away or punch him, but Yoongi catches it with his free hand, pulling it back to your side. You’re rendered completely immobile.

“One, it can’t put you in direct danger. And two, when it clashes with something you really don’t want to do? It breaks.” Namjoon licks his lips and snarls through a smirk, nose scrunching, eyes unblinking as they bore through yours. He relinquishes your face, sitting back in the booth, but the two on either side of you don’t let go of your wrists.

Namjoon relaxes, his face smoothing back into something less threatening, brows flitting upwards.

“So,” he continues, low. “When you’re a slut, baby, you have to understand that it’s because you’re a slut. Nothing we could do to you would change that.”

“Fuck you,” you grit out through your teeth.

“Only if you begged nicely.”

“Are we talking fucking now?” Yoongi pipes up, his voice heavy. He sounds weirdly…restless. Excited. “Fuck, that was so hot.”

“I know, right?” Hoseok agrees in a mumble. You feel Yoongi lean in and you twitch to move away, but you’re trapped between the two men, their grips on your wrists tightening and Yoongi’s other hand stroking, petting, against your thigh.

A huff of surprise leaves you when you feel his breath on your cheek, then something hot and slimy. You struggle, but he drags his tongue up your cheek, tasting your tears.

“So scared,” he hums, smacking.

“You don’t really think we’d hurt you, do you?” Hoseok adds. You glance at him, feeling your gut churn at the way his eyes are blown wide, the impatient way he licks his lips. “You don’t really think we’d put a hole in your pretty little hand?”

Yoongi groans, scooting closer. “God, but what would it be like to jack off with it?” he growls. His hand becomes more bold, circling further up your leg, and the teasing brushes send shivers through your body. The adrenaline from your fear hasn’t worn off yet, leaving you skittish and wired—but Yoongi and Hoseok panting into your ears, Yoongi’s long fingers drifting further and further to your bare cunt, separated only by the hoodie…His thumb drags through the fabric and meets your clit on the way, and you jolt, breath catching.

“A weird thought, but okay.” Hoseok scoffs. He shifts to be closer, so that you’re now sandwiched between them, half-bare legs pressed to theirs, wrists caught in their grip.

“I’m so hungry,” Yoongi says in a conspiratorial whisper, catching your earlobe between his teeth. “I could drain you right from your cunt and fuck the corpse.”

His hand works your clit underneath the table, too desperate to be steady, too feverish to give you a rhythm, but still it builds arousal in your belly, begins to soak through the hem of the hoodie.

“That didn’t take long, did it?” he muses, feeling for the wetness gathering with his fingertips. You flush, embarrassed, angry, and open your mouth to argue, to demand he stop, but you falter when he leans towards the marks on your neck.

“Well, now we’ve got that out of the way,” Namjoon continues suddenly. Yoongi inhales deeply at your skin like Jungkook had, tongue slipping out to press kitten licks against the bites. The arousal that slams through you, that travels straight from top to bottom, sends your legs into spasm, humping once at the hand still sloppily rubbing at your core. You gasp, sucking in a breath.

“I wanted to talk house rules.”

Hoseok tugs at your hand, and your palm meets something hard and hot. Looking in shock, you can see his cock, yanked out of his boxers, through his unzipped jeans, within clear view of anyone who might walk past if not for the meager modesty of the table. He curls your fingers around him and you make the mistake of then glancing up to meet his eyes. His eyebrow flits upwards, grinning widely, his tongue passing over his teeth.

“Pay attention when someone’s talking,” he chastises, thick.

Yoongi laps at your wounds again and you can’t help but make a fist, stroking Hoseok once. He fucks into your hand smoothly, lithely, hips rippling like they were made of water, eyes never leaving yours.

“You haven’t shown up as a missing person yet, so if you want to go outside, I don’t mind—just take one of us with you. For safety.”

You yelp when Yoongi bites down, hard, and you almost wish it didn’t send such a strong pulse of want through you, didn’t make your back arch, toes curl.

“If you’re hungry or tired, y’know, just tell one of us. The blood situation out here is really bad; we do genuinely want to take care of you. No one wants you hurt.”

“Except you,” Hoseok chides, still staring at you. “You seem fine with it.”

“My kind of girl,” Yoongi growls, catching your skin again and you whimper, gyrating against him.

“I really want you to get well. Honest. If we can just use you temporarily, just until everyone isn’t starving, I promise we’ll let you go after. You have my word.”

You look to Namjoon. He’s still talking as though you’re in any state to answer him, still so genuine. The only indication he gives that he’s aware of what’s going on is when Yoongi tears himself away from you with a grunt.

“Namjoon.” He says, heavy. It’s almost a plea.

“Go ahead.” Is his answer.

Namjoon leans forward again, tucks his chin into his thumbs, watches you steadily past his entwined fingers, as Yoongi relinquishes your hand, turns, and kicks his legs out, suddenly sliding beneath the table. You don’t have time to process what’s happening before you feel slender hands returning to your thighs, shoving your knees apart. Strands of hair dance teasingly over your legs, the hoodie thrust up and out of the way. Teeth nip at your inner thighs, soothe the brief pinpricks with saccharine kisses, travelling up to your core. You shudder, chest heaving, trying to scoot away in anticipation. Your free hand dashes beneath the table, intending to push him away, but Hoseok is quicker. He snatches your wrist away just as Yoongi finally makes contact with your pussy, pressing a lingering kiss against your center. You keen, attempting to cut off the loudest of it, hands curling.

They aren’t doing this in the middle of a restaurant. But the slow blink Namjoon serves you as Yoongi slurps headily at your clit, as Hoseok fucks your palm, tells you a different story.

It’s mortifying, how quickly your orgasm builds, even as you struggle and jerk limply against Hoseok’s hold on your arms, Yoongi’s grip on your thighs.

“You still haven’t told me that you don’t want this,” Namjoon points out.

“Because she does, right? God, she loves it. Center of fucking attention,” Hoseok pants, chuckles into your ear when you flinch, biting back another moan.

“It could stop if you did. If you told me to stop. I’d tell them to stop. We leave you here. We go home. Easy.”

Yoongi groans against you, licking a long stripe through your wetness, sucks a swollen lip into his mouth and nibbles it. You’re gasping, humming, shivering and rolling, the wire inside you pulling dangerously taut. But still you bite your lip, defiant. You don’t meet Namjoon’s eye, staring blankly at the table as your high mounts.

“But let me fucking clear. You answer to me from now on. You don’t fuck anyone unless I say so. You don’t let anyone feed from you unless I say so.”

Yoongi’s slender fingers press experimentally against your cunt, swirling with his tongue, and you almost seize when he finally slides one, another, into your heat, fucking with all the same desperation as he licks and sucks.

Hoseok releases the hand not around his cock and it flies to Yoongi’s hair, curling around the strands. The garbled oath he utters when you tug lightly encourages another gush of arousal from you, which he diligently suckles up. You feel fingers on your chin again, forcing your head up, and finally you’re made to look Namjoon in the face. He hasn’t moved, and you can’t see his mouth, but his eyes are bottomless, hungry.

“You don’t cum until he says so, either, pretty girl,” Hoseok coos, flexing his hand around your chin. “Get it?”

There’s no way you can hold it off, you’re already climbing, but the subtle threat in Namjoon’s gaze has you trying to pull back, trying to deny the rush crawling up through your toes, your legs.

“P-please,” you plead, finally, hushed.

“Tell me what you are. Are you brainwashed?” He returns affably.

Yoongi is attacking your clit like a man possessed, sucking, rolling with his tongue, scissoring his fingers, Hoseok still panting and murmuring expletives through his teeth. You shiver, but shake your head.

“N-no.”

“No what?”

“No s-sir?” you try again, desperate.

“Better. What are you, baby? Tell me.”

Your eyes are threatening to roll back in your head. “A, a slut, sir,” you stammer.

“Good. Good girl.” He nods, once, satisfied. “Yoongi.”

The head between your legs disengages from your core with a soggy sounding ‘pop’ and a gasp of air.

“Fuck,” he snarls, hoarse, steadying himself with sticky fingers on your thighs, “Thank fucking god.”

“You’ll want to gag her.”

Hoseok obediently slips his hand from your chin to cover your mouth just before pain suddenly explodes from the inside of your thigh, followed by a pleasure so intense, so deep, your back arches violently, chest heaving, legs snapping shut and trapping Yoongi’s head between them. He begins to suck and though your screech is thankfully muffled mostly by Hoseok’s palm, it’s still so incredibly loud, rushing through your ears, as your orgasm finally, finally¸ washes over you, setting every limb aflame. Your vision goes white, hips gyrating, still clutching at Hoseok’s dick even as his swearing cuts off into grunts and you feel him fumbling on the table for something.

Yoongi feeds from you fervently, grunting and humming and whining through his nose, and you can almost feel him swallowing; every time another mouthful of your blood is pulled from your veins, your pleasure spikes, keeping you high, keeping your limbs filled with cotton, your eyes filled with stars.

“Yoongi.”

Namjoon repeats himself when his first call is ignored. “Yoongi. Stop.”

He disconnects from you after a beat, teeth retracting with a slick noise. He laves his tongue over the wound, panting headily.

“Five more fucking minutes,” he murmurs into your skin, distraught. “Five more minutes, fuck, it isn’t enough.” “I know it isn’t. But she’ll be with us long enough to recover, won’t she?”

The afterglow, the shame, sinks in slowly. Yoongi is still kissing and licking, hand fondling your thigh absently. Hoseok removes your limp wrist from his lap, folding a soiled napkin and crumpling it in his fist before tucking his softened cock back into his trousers.

He crows playfully. “I hope so,” he replies, grinning. “She’s a lot of fun.”

“Won’t she?” Namjoon repeats. You’re trying to catch your breath back, subdue the sparks that still jitter through your limbs, make sense of what just happened, what you just agreed to.

“Y-yeah,” you manage finally, hushed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Your headache is gone.

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#bts vampire au #bts smut #bts x reader #bts fanfic #reader x yoongi #reader x namjoon #reader x hoseok #moth to flame #SORRY ITS LATE I LOVE U GUYS LMAO #its way longer than i thought it would be #:P #I will update links! LATER!

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