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vices-aand-virtues · 4 years ago

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As we make our way into the final episodes of Younger, I have some Thoughts™️

1. I have seen a lot of talk about how Liza would be better off alone than with Charles because then she is right back where she started when the series begins. Though likely is part of her thought process, this is incorrect for a couple of reasons. First, Liza is in a completely different place in her life than she was when we first met her. She has a fabulous career in publishing and, even when they’re not together, the support of Charles. She doesn’t have a baby at home to take care of; Charles’s daughters are old enough to be relatively self-sufficient in terms of not needing someone to watch over them all the time. Then we have to look at all of this together and realize this, the second point: Liza didn’t think she could + wasn’t allowed to have both a career and a family most of her life. Now she has seen that she not only can do it, she’s great at it. She is extremely successful and loves her work, but still has time for her daughter and form/maintain a solid relationship with Nicole and Bianca. She still makes time for the things that are important to her outside of work. She gave up part of herself to stay at home and be just a wife and just a mom for almost two decades. Then she gave up some of herself to maintain her lie. Now she’s thriving at work and fully and openly herself for the first time in YEARS. For to have a brilliant career with more to come AND a wonderful partner/husband/whatever is a WONDERFUL resolution for her based on where she started.

2. To have this much Liza/Charles tension and back and forth and more “will they won’t they” AGAIN, after waiting 5 seasons for them to get together, just over one full season of them actually together, only for them not to end up together is absurd and makes no sense. Liza has had this entire season to accept that she and Charles are donezo and move on, but she hasn’t, and not for lack of trying. It’s more clear every episode how drawn to one another they are despite themselves. To put them through all that for a contrived “girl power” ending would be a huge disservice to the characters and the show.

3. Speaking of, I’m exhausted by “girl power” endings of late because they’re inorganic and forced. It’s supposed to come across as empowering for a woman to choose her career over love or a relationship, but it’s actually just a sexist take from the opposite end of the spectrum. Women can have both!! We are 20 years into the 21st century!! A woman can PRIORITIZE her career over romantic entanglements, but women don’t — and shouldn’t!! — have to choose at this point. We already know that Liza isn’t defined by her relationship to a man. We know she is a strong woman who isn’t afraid to ask for + take + go after what she deserves. I don’t need to see her choose her career because she is already thriving! She does not have to be alone for X number of years so she can get her career on track. It’s there. She’s on the journey. What would benefit her most would be something she hasn’t had before — a steady and fully supportive long-term partner. Imagine what it would be like for her to finally be married or lifelong committed to someone she is wildly in love with, who is wildly in love with her, who also fully supports her career, is her biggest cheerleader, who believes in her and sees her talents more clearly than anyone else. Hello!!

4. Liza is clearly still very in love with Charles and vice versa. In the past, when her relationships have ended, the desire to get back together was pretty one-sided. It wasn’t, like, super easy for her to get over, but she made peace with it and moved on. That has yet to happen. She just can’t let Charles go completely. She is trying to be supportive of his relationship and assures him she just wants him to be happy, but we have heard her say more than once that she is still in love with him, and her actions are pretty indicative of that as well.

5. Until S7, Charles has always chosen Liza. Even given the current circumstances, he still keeps choosing her in a different way. He knows she is on his side. He knows she is great at her job. He knows she supports him. No matter their relationship status, he knows those things to be true. That’s why he always takes her up on any offers she makes to him in S7 — because he knows who she is. He chooses her to be his work partner or support system or his sounding board. And she allows herself to be chosen; she ASKS to be chosen. He doesn’t have to accept and she doesn’t have to offer, but they do it anyway. It’s a conscious daily choice they continue to make.

6. Charles would never in a million years marry Quinn because she wouldn’t be a good stepmother to his daughters. We may have seen ~some~ dimension from Quinn, but ultimately she’s a ruthless, manipulative, conniving snake. She’s fake and primarily has a “what’s in it for me” attitude. There’s no way Charles would want that to be the example his daughters live with, and honestly I don’t think Pauline would even allow it. If he thought Liza’s baggage created complications for his custody, I cannot even imagine the turmoil Quinn would cause. Quinn is a loose cannon. Pauline is a little bit of a bitch when it comes to Liza, but she’s smart enough to know/see who Quinn really is, and with Liza, it’s at least “the devil you know.”

7. It would be completely nonsensical for Charles and Quinn to get married/end up together because a) we barely know her and b) he was just proposing to Liza. From both a logical and writing standpoint, it doesn’t make sense. It would be some piss poor storytelling for that to happen. On the flip side, it would make sense for Josh to end up with Clare, a late-entry side character, because we have known her longer and know they have a history. The same can’t be said about Charles and Quinn. If Quinn hadn’t become so involved with Empirical, if she had just been another author, her relationship with Charles would be about as meaningful as his relationship with Rhada. But since we see her through Liza’s eyes and we see her be an annoying presence at Empirical post-Charliza split, it seems like a bigger deal than it actually is.

8. Putting her back with Josh at this point would be a worse ending than Game of Thrones. It would be a twist that came out of nowhere that writers would justify by saying the signs were there all along. Liza more than once has made clear that she has chosen Charles over Josh. She has showed us that’s the case. For her to suddenly have an epiphany with two episodes left, especially considering how little shared screen time they have, would be total fanservice and a complete regression from all the growth they BOTH have had. It’s also, like, not fair to Josh to keep waiting on her and hoping she will come back? He deserves some reciprocity and stability too?

9. We have seen only the benefits when it comes to Charles being impulsive in matters of the heart...until now. I totally understand his heartache at her counter proposal and I, personally, think she’s being stupid. But regardless, I think for him to just walk away from their relationship at that point was a pretty knee-jerk reaction that he didn’t think through. And I think his pride is a little hurt over his perception of her not WANTING to marry him, so instead of trying to work it out or compromise, he’s digging his heels in. He jumped into a relationship with Quinn, which was clearly impulsive. Rational, level-headed Charles would not have done that. In fact, he laughs off the suggestion of it in S5 and says the iconic, “divorced moms from Jersey are more my style.” I believe cooler heads will prevail.

10. I REFUSE TO BE VICTIM TO ANOTHER SHIP WHOSE TENSION AND FEELINGS WERE TEASED AND BUILT UP OVER 5 SEASONS ONLY FOR THEM TO BREAK UP OVER SOMETHING STUPID AFTER ONE AND A HALf SEASON AS A COUPLE AND THEN GET BACK TOGETHER IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES!!!! I WILL NOT!!

Anyway Team Charles 4 Lyfe. Here’s hoping these idiots in love stop being idiots and start being just IN LOVE.

#younger tv #youngertv #charles x liza #liza x charles #charliza #younger season 7 #Liza Miller #charles brooks #team Charles #personal

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featherymalignancy · 4 years ago

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This may be a long one and reflects a HUGELY unpopular opinion, sorry in advance. Reading about the relationship between Feyre and Nesta was like looking into a mirror image of mine and my sister’s relationship. Reading the ACOTAR series just out of college helped me realize that my sister had been emotionally abusing me my entire life (and still does every chance she gets even though I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20). It’s what made me acknowledge that my “social anxiety” may not be just shyness and it was later determined to be a symptom of PTSD. I’ve been in therapy ever since I’ve finished ACOMAF being treated for complex PTSD from lifelong emotional abuse. My feelings toward my sister are very complex. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I like her? Most of the time, no. Did I hate her when I was Feyre’s age? Yes, but I didn’t understand why. Would I defend her with my life? No. Would I love to be able to answer yes to that question? Absolutely. However, until she acknowledges that how she treats me and everyone else around her is harmful, that’s just not going to happen. I’ve worked through enough of the self hate inside me to recognize I deserve better than what she’s offering. There’s still a large (and petty, let’s be honest) part of me that would love a Rhys of my own to defend me in front of her, just because no one ever has before (no hate to my parents, they are every bit as human and her victims as I am, but that’s another conversation altogether). Am I grown up enough now to know that her behavior is caused by trauma of her own? Yes, and my heart hurts for her. But that doesn’t excuse her behavior or make it acceptable. It also doesn’t make it any less hurtful or harmful. All this being said, I understand and empathize with Feyre greatly. She is the first character that I’ve ever felt represented by and it validated all of the mental health issues I was struggling with and made me feel like I wasn’t broken. I am also able to recognize that her perception of Nesta is greatly skewed and I’m predicting that SJM did that on purpose to allow for massive character growth. I am also able to recognize that Feyre kicking Nesta out of Velaris was a selfish move and a very flawed decision, but I probably would have done the same thing at 21. I am also able to realize that we only have half of the story, just like I only have my half of the story of my relationship with my sister. Idk, I guess I’m just trying to provide another perspective so that this sister dynamic makes a little more sense. Hopefully I’m not too up my own ass for this to make any sense

Okay so let me first clarify in saying that anything I say on this blog is my opinion, so of course you’re not up your own ass. ♥️ obviously the way I assert my opinion sounds like I think it’s fact (i.e. That’s not how sisters treat each other) but of course it’s just how I feel, which is totally fallible.

I’m sorry for what you’ve suffered from your sister, that sounds devastating. I am glad that a) you’ve been empowered to defend yourself and b) to understand her actions aren’t yours to own.

And I’m glad that Feyre’s journey has empowered you, that’s huge. I think it goes to show that you bring your own experiences into fiction, which is what makes fiction powerful. To me, Nesta is deeply flawed, but I see my sisters in and myself in her very much. We’ve traded a lot of blows (quite literally—I once had to head cracked against our granite counter top for teasing my sister) but there is love and loyalty there. It’s not always handled correctly, but the bones are there.

In Feyre I see...nothing I care to really get into publically. Certainly nothing I would prize in a sibling. Or a friend. Or a person? Enough, Cara, she gets your point, don’t be a dick.

But again, that is just me! I’m sorry if the way I’ve phrased all the siblings stuff came off as high-handed, i didn’t mean to make you feel that your own sibling experience was invalid, and if I did, I apologize. I will try and be more circumspect in the future. ♥️

#archeron sisters #nesta archeron #feyre archeron #elain archeron

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lady-byleth · 5 years ago

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Okay so I've made it back to the War Phase of Verdant Wind and I've been thinking about how absolutely flawlessly Claude and Byleth slip back into their roles, how they seem to click even better than ever actually

And like, we all know Claude never once gave up on her and he was probably incredibly annoying about it to those around him (read: people were real worried) - by which I for once mean Nader

Because Nader is his retainer and his trainer, he's taught Claude everything he knows about fighting and with a war going on I can imagine he drops by more than ever to make sure Claude is on top of his game

And skilled warriors like Nader can tell a lot about how a person feels from how they handle their weapons, something that several characters are adapt at in their supports

So I imagine they're sparring and Nader is trying to gauge the kid's overall mental state and comes away surprised cuz...he's doing surprisingly well. He's worried sure, and he's lonely, but it's not crippling or affecting his fighting the way he's seen grief do to others

But that makes no sense, he's heard Claude talk about that Professor of his, and he's heard the news about her disappearance, so by rights Claude should be devastated

Nader of course worries Claude might be suppressing those feelings and decides to dig. Gently.

"So...how you holding up, kiddo?"

Claude, in the middle of wiping sweat off his brow, pauses to give him a look. "I'm fine?" he says, sounding suspicious. "Why are you asking?"

"Well, with all that's been going on, I wouldn't hold it against you to be a little shaken still."

Claude shrugs "Yeah, doesn't happen every day a classmates starts a war and invades your current home. But stranger things have happened and it's not like I died so."

Nader frowns and decides to prod a little bit more. "Maybe not but...I heard about the Professor."

At this a shadow flickers across Claude's face, something that might be sadness or pain, but it's gone before it can take hold.

"Yeah, let's not do this now."

"You have to talk about it eventually," Nader insists.

Claude groans and sheathes sword. "Talk about what exactly? How everyone just assumes she's dead and tries to get me to mourn?" He rolls his eyes. "There's nothing to mourn, she's not dead."

Nader is really worried now because if the kid is this deep in denial... "Listen," Nader begins slowly, "I've lost people too, I know it's hard--"

Claude cuts him off with an impatient wave of the hand. He's the real Claude for once, not the one who puts on smiles and pretends to be unaffected by everything and Nader sees this side of him so rarely he holds his breath.

"I know you're trying to help," Claude says, an edge to his voice, "but she's not dead. Hell, this is the woman who fused with a deity and cut a hole into time and space because she was a little bit pissed off, you think a puny invasion will stop her? Please." He ends on a scoff and Nader suddenly knows he's not just saying things. He truly believes it too.

But for all Nader knows, Claude might be convincing himself of something that won't happen so Nader crosses his arms.

"How certain are you?" he asks. "Why are you so sure that this woman is as unstoppable as you say?"

"Because I know her. And I trust her."

Now Nader is shocked. Claude and trusting someone? Especially someone he hasn't known for long? It's so close to a miracle that Nader, in his old age, doesn't know what to say.

And then Claude drives the point home.

"You know what," he says and draws the dagger at his hip, "let me make this clear once and for all." And with a quick movement so fast and sure Nader barely has time to see it Claude cuts off his braid.

"Woah kid, what the hell are you doing?!"

The braid is a near sacred tradition in their culture, something incredibly personal and meaningful. It represented life and growth. To cut it off...it only happened during the most important moments in a person's life, during sacred vows and lifelong promises.

And now Claude holds his in his fist, his eyes as sure and determined as ever. "I swear on this, on my life, that she's coming back. So stop trying to get me to talk about my feelings, it won't happen. I won't mourn someone who isn't dead."

He shoves the braid into Nader's hand, turns on his heel and marches out, leaving Nader behind in stunned silence.

Not long after this Duke Riegan dies after a short but violent illness, leaving Claude to take up the mantle of Leader.

Claude does mourn now, but for his lost grandfather, and looks sadly to his side where Nader can feel the presence of someone not there. But that is all he mourns.

Nader watches as Claude matures, his shoulders broaden, his hair grows longer, a beard frames his face in a way that somehow made him seem even more rougish than ever.

And still he doesn't mourn. But he grows lonlier by the day. Until not quite five years after the invasion, where he looks at the calender and becomes restless. And then one day he simply packs his things and leaves Derdriu and the territory in Nader's hands without a word.

When he comes back...he isn't alone. And Nader knows before either of them speaks that Claude had been right the entire time.

She is alive and had been waiting for the right moment to return to Claude who has been keeping the space at his side open for her since the day she disappeared.

He asks anyway, who might this beautiful princess be, and of course he gets the answer he expects, delivered without an ounce of pride or gloating. Claude is merely stating a fact, something he has always known would happen eventually.

And as Nader watches them talk, alternating between conversations about war and lighthearted teasing, it feels like she's never truly been gone at all.

"I'll be damned, kiddo," he mumbles to himself and fingers the frayed braid he's kept in his pocket this entire time. "Your princess - your Goddess - really came back to you."

When he says it, he knows he's hit gold.

Goddess.

That's what the look in his eyes means.

Claude might not worship any higher being, but his trust in her is near religious.

She's his friend, his confidant, his one and only Goddess.

Nader never doubts this woman - Byleth - again.

#fire emblem three houses #three houses spoilers #Claude von Riegan #Nader fire emblem #byleth eisner #Byleth #Claudeth

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creativekrissy · 6 years ago

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I have a hunch about Lance~

I’ve been watching VLD seasons cause I’m hyped for S8 but! I realized after Lance saves Allura in S5 that... he built his own imaginary romance toward Allura because she “revived” him. So he’s the one with this strange attraction because she saved his life, Allura doesn’t feel attraction towards Lance afterwards due to the fact the next episode is Razors Edge and shows her and Lotor completely falling for each other, almost kissed mind you~

So this is giving me some hints of romance, which is what I think we’ll all see a lot of in S8. Even though the poster from NYCC isn’t exactly point on legit of storyline but very symbolic of relationships or character connection. For myself I seen ALOT of couples in romance~ I’ve had a previous tiny post explaining that S5 is like some prequel to S8, and I’m starting to think I might be right MAINLY because S5 shows Honerva’s progress, Krolia’s progress and how that may connect towards Honerva and Lotor’s lifelong work.

Anyway back to the romance. So Lance...

Filled his head with the idea of romance towards Allura, Razors Edge shows this thought progress. I think Allura saving him may have caused this and so he becomes more attached but because of the connection and attraction between Allura and Lotor, it snaps him out of it eventually. Not entirely but enough to realize he doesn’t have a big impact on Allura like Lotor. He even keeps the distance between him and Allura at platonic and some sort of partner paladin respect.

The only thing that isn’t self explanatory is why Keith is involved so much on the same opposite focus of Lance’s character. What I mean is, it is indeed always showing Keith’s personal or emotional progress while Lance deals with emotions himself. I can’t understand why the creators would put an intended rivalry on the same level in character growth unless it was to collide in the near future or S8~

Anyways, Keith returns all different and obviously Lance is excited in his own cute way. He even acts like his old self but more... grown suddenly? Practically shown that he can be just as “cool and grizzled” as Keith OR he is going to prove he changed just as much. But there’s an uncomfortable distance and no confirmation or reconciliation of when Keith left. He comes back even better and BAM back to where he left things off~ which I think is where Lance prefers him to be due to having your best soldiers on the front line. However with the way Lance prefers to behave around Keith, even in the littlest ways of S7, obviously it’s more than viewing him as a leader. Can’t say romantic because not enough evidence, I’m just speaking by watching his facial expressions and how Keith and Allura respond towards him.

Now, S7 shows the extreme result of Keith’s sudden leave from the team. Which they mend while lost in space. The main focus for at least 5mins or less was in between Keith, Allura, and Lance. Keith is negative and attacks Allura’s values. She brings up the one thing Keith feels guilty over (still) and he is triggered to bring up her romance with Lotor, and how THAT affected the team. Lance is triggered but THAT statement alone to point out Keith ran away. His second statement is where he triggers Keith on a personal level, calling him “Mr. lone wolf”.

Mind you, we also seen his distress when Keith left to help Acxa. It wasn’t out of jealousy but worry he was going to leave the team again and this was before they were lost in space. Keith gave Lance his chance at leadership not because he wanted it but because he knew he is very capable to be a leader. Guess we’ll see that about Lance in S8, finding out what he either wants or needs in his life.

Anyway, Allura completely pushes aside her feelings for Lotor and exchanges into regret and anger. Lance helped her to feel better that she couldn’t help her feelings and of what happened in the end. Now going backwards, Allura has brought up that Lance is showing the team he is capable of doing great things (when Shiro exploded verbally at Lance). That was encouragement and support platonic friendship. So that means Keith isn’t the only one noticing Lance’s skills and capabilities~

S7, she blushes telling Lance about staying safe. This part... from my perspective looks like it was said out of embarrassment due to his sister Veronica being in the same place. Plus it was meant to be a personal concern for his well being.

Now here’s the point of all this...

My theory is what if Lance is setting himself up for failure?

He made believed he and Allura had a romantic connection until it slapped him in the face that she was more into Lotor. Hurt his own pride for thinking he could’ve been more to her in his own eyes and that’s why he is conflicted enough to realize he developed feelings towards her. Hence, why Allura is not sure how to respond to hearing all that from the Mice. The girl was definitely conflicted that she was currently on her way into a relationship but at the same time knowing she had an effect on Lance she couldn’t be mad about or do anything about because her heart was already set for Lotor. Which I think it still is~

Veronica has teased to Lance about affection between him and Allura but Lance assured himself it’s nothing more than that. He’s done that with Keith too. Looking back to The Feud, he was also honest about how he looks at Keith. Shot down just like he did towards Keith in S1, which seems like payback. TWICE he shot down comments about liking Allura. Heck even Keith shot down “being in love” with Acxa. Now Allura never shot down Lance verbally but through action. She just grew closer to him on a mutual emotional level and paladin respect.

Let me say however, between Keith and Allura towards Lance... that it is open for a chance to be more than platonic relationships. Mainly because anything to do with emotional or conflict towards others ALWAYS involves these three characters specifically. I ain’t saying fight over each other love triangle, more like the connection might be brought to the surface in the future:

Lance setting himself for rejection

Keith acknowledging his effect on Lance

Allura confirming what exactly is between herself and Lance

Keith confronting Allura’s effect on Lance

Lance attempt confronting himself emotionally about romance

Now this is where everyone wants to know, is this the point where Lance will figure out what he needs over what he wants? I’d like to say I believe so~

Hes a smart guy and with what Jeremy, or some article of interviewing about Lance’s arc, stating the season shows Lance learning he doesn’t need to be a leader or his place as a partner in the team, kinda gives me an insight that we can expect to definitely see Lance rise as a better person who will learn he’s remarkable not as leader but as he is in the team of Voltron~ also there’s the theory of Shiro and Lance in connection about sexual identity~

Dreamworks is so obvious in mirroring moments in episodes, parallels and such, etc. So the roles of what I stated before about Allura and Keith from Lance’s perspective may just switch. Vice versa, it will be their perspective towards him. Even Shiro now supporting Lance or reconcile with him to discuss his inner conflicts of emotions.

I did make a post before about how Lance may go through a negative impact on his character, and mainly for what I just posted now to come forward. All of the characters had a negative moment in their arcs to advance their growth. Some are finished completely and some still have things left to finish their arcs. So! There is my analysis and speculation~

It’s long but I felt like sharing my thoughts. Don’t take me too seriously it’s just speculation and theories or thoughts, not meant to put anyone into some sort of anticipation my speculation might be true in any way. I just look at facts or behaviour and try to connect some dots~

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pamphletstoinspire · 6 years ago

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Enriching Your Spiritual Life

It is time to ask ourselves the important question: what has been our own practice with regard to the duty of thanksgiving in general? What is our habitual feeling about God’s numberless blessings to us? How long a time have we ever spent in summing up God’s blessings to us, even when we have been on retreat?

St. Ignatius wisely tells us to commence our examination of conscience every day with counting up the mercies of God and thanking Him for them. Have we so much as kept faithfully to this little practice? Many have regular times in the day for different spiritual duties; have we any time especially set apart for thanksgiving?

Many, again, keep in their prayer books a little note of the things and persons to pray for; have we any similar memento of the blessings for which we desire daily to thank our Heavenly Father? How often have we besieged the throne of grace for weeks and weeks with Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Misereres, Memorares, Rosaries, Communions, and even penances, for something we desired; and when at last our dear Lord condescended to our importunity, what proportion did our thanksgiving bear to our supplication? How long did it last? In what did it consist? With what fervor and increase of love was it accompanied?

Alas! We have all great need to take shame to ourselves in this respect. So far from having an abiding spirit of thanksgiving, or a keen, lifelong recollection of God’s mercies, or a loving regularity in the worship and sacrifice of thanksgiving, we go on letting the Holy Spirit Himself touch our hearts with an intimate sense of our obligations to God and our dependence on Him, waiting until He does do so and then feebly responding to His call; so that we let Him, as it were, ask for our thanks rather than pay them with a free heart and out of an abounding love.

Where we fail is that we do not correspond to His touch; we need His pressure.We would be quick enough to see the wretchedness of all this if a fellow creature did it to us.

But answer these questions honestly to your guardian angels, and then say if you think I exaggerated when I said that the disproportion of thanksgiving to prayer is one of the wonders of the world, and one of its saddest wonders, too.

But what is the cause of all this? It comes from your perverse refusal to look at God as your Father.

Independent of open sin, there is scarcely a misery that does not come from these hard, dry, churlish views of God. That is the root of the evil. You must lay the axe there, if you really desire to be other than you are. No schemes for self-improvement will stand in the stead of it.

You may meditate, and examine your conscience, and tell your beads, and little enough will come of it, as you have so often found already. How wonderfully people can be regular in making their daily meditation without its ever melting into them! Not a passion is subdued, not an unloveliness smoothed away! They have the custom of prayer without the gift of it. You may do penances, and they will rather harden your heart in a delusion of vainglorious humility than melt into simple, genuine love. The very sacraments will work only like machines out of order.

Whether it is stunted growth in the spiritual life that you deplore,or the absence of all sensible devotion, or incapacity to make and keep generous resolutions, or teasing relapses into unworthy imperfections, or want of reverence in prayer, or lack of sweetness with others, in almost every case the mischief may be traced to an unaffectionate view of God.

You must get clear of this. You must cultivate a filial feeling toward Him. You must pray to the Holy Spirit for His gift of piety, whose special office it is to produce this feeling.

Your most prominent idea of God must be as the God “of whom all paternity is named in heaven and on earth.” You must remember that the Spirit of Jesus is the one true Spirit and that He is the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, “Abba, Father!”

You will never be right until your view of God as your Father swallows up all your other views of Him, or at least until they are brought into harmonious subordination to that view, which is the sweet soul of the gospel and the life of our Blessed Savior’s teaching.

A man could not do better than devote his whole life to be the apostle of this one idea, the compassionate paternity of God.

In matters of spiritual progress, our interests are identical with God’s glory.This is another of His loving contrivances. Hence we may still further persuade ourselves to the practice of thanksgiving by reflecting from a spiritual point of view on the benefits to ourselves that result from it.

Growth in holiness is nothing but the continual descent upon us of those fresh graces, which crown every act of correspondence on our part to graces already received; and there is nothing, as we know, that so multiplies graces upon us, or causes God to throw the doors of His treasury so wide open, as the devotion of thanksgiving.

But it is not only in this way that it helps us on in holiness. Its effects on our mind must also be taken into account. Many persons try to advance in spirituality and are held back, as it were, by some invisible hand. The fact is, and they do not realize it, they have never been thoroughly converted to God. They have stayed too short a time in the purgative way of the spiritual life, or they have bargained with God and kept back some attachment, or wished to loosen themselves from unworthy habits gently and gradually, so as to be spared the pain of conversion.

Now, thanksgiving swiftly but imperceptibly turns our religion into a service of love; it draws us to take God’s views of things, to range ourselves on His side even against ourselves, and to identify ourselves with His interests even when they seem to be in opposition to our own. Hence we are led to break more effectually with the world and not to trail its clouds and mists along with us on our road to heaven.

Hence, also, we come to root and ground ourselves more effectually in the sense of our own vileness and worse than nothingness before God; and what is all this but to make our conversion more thorough and complete?

Neither is the effect of thanksgiving less upon our growth than it is upon our conversion.All growth comes of love; and love is at once both the cause and effect of thanksgiving.

What light and air are to plants, that is the sense of God’s presence to the virtues; and thanksgiving makes this sensible presence of God almost a habit in our souls. For it leads us continually to see mercies that we should not otherwise have perceived, and it enables us far more worthily to appreciate their value, and in some degree to sound the abyss of divine condescension out of which they come.

Moreover, the practice of thanksgiving in ourselves leads us to be distressed at the absence of it in others; and this keeps our love of God delicate and sensitive and breeds in us a spirit of reparation, which is especially congenial to the growth of holiness.

Our hearts are enlarged while we are magnifying God; and when our hearts are enlarged, we run the way of His commandments, where we have only walked or crept before. We feel a secret force in overcoming obstacles and in despising fears, and altogether a liberty in well-doing, which we used not to feel before; and all because thanksgiving has made us measure the height of God’s goodness and the depth of our vileness; and so nothing looks too much or too hard where the glory of God is concerned. Like Areuna in the time of the pestilence, we give to the King as kings ourselves, and in the spirit of kings. Our hearts are crowned with thanksgiving.

It is a great mistake to think lightly of happiness in religion,of enjoyment in religious services, of sweetness in prayer, of gladness in mortification, and of sensible devotion. True it is that when God subtracts them, it is not necessarily in anger or as a chastisement; and whatever be the cause, our plain duty is to submit ourselves to His sweet, though inscrutable, will. But this does not hinder all these things from being mighty aids in the spiritual life, and therefore to be desired and coveted with earnestness, although in a submissive spirit.

Who does not know cases in which everything seems to go wrong because a person has no happiness in religion? Even at Mass and Benediction a veil is over their hearts, which neither music nor brightness, nor yet the divine presence, can penetrate.

God’s blessings are as dull to such people as His chastisements are to the generality of men. Prayer is a penance; confession a torture; Communion a very rack. What God blesses for them irritates like a sore. What He fills with peace troubles them with disquietude. They have no light but the gloom of their own perverse moodiness, and they have no song but peevishness. Inquire if such persons have ever had a spirit of thanksgiving, and you will find you have hit exactly on the characteristic omission of their lives.

Perhaps they have been converts to the holy Faith. They have obeyed grace grudgingly. When they were safe in the Church, they would see difficulties everywhere, from the Pope and Roman manners downward. Imaginary evils surrounded every step. There was temporal unhappiness, and was the Faith worth it? There was the annoyance of learning a new religion, and new ceremonies, and this made them snappish. Then preachers said such strong things, and they must complain to a score of people of this, as if everything was to be suited to them.

It was the Assumption, and the dear, good Irish wanted to hear of their Mother’s Coronation;but then this important convert was at church and had brought an important Protestant friend with him and should have been consulted, or forewarned. It was so unkind, so injurious, in his presence, to say our Lady had twelve stars on her head. Were they planets or fixed stars? The whole matter is full of difficulties. Really, preachers should be more careful!

Then, in the confessional, it was all so uncomfortable, so coarse, and vulgar, and matter of fact. There was so little smooth talking, and yet much that was so dreadfully to the point.

Thus, from one cause or another, the poor convert has been miserable ever since conversion; and why? Immersed in self, and magnifying self, seeking consolations, and hungering after sympathy, such persons have hardly once fallen like children on their knees to thank God for the miracle of love that brought them where they are.

A thankful heart would have taken joyously all the incipient difficulties of its new position, as a penance for the hard-heartedness that had given grace so much trouble and cost it so many efforts in the process of conversion. But these persons were not thankful, and so they are not happy. Let us thank God that their numbers are so few.

This, however, is another point to be made much of: that happiness in religion comes from the spirit of thanksgiving.

#enriching your spiritual life

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sherlocklaura1992 · 4 years ago

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Can Being Vegan Help You Grow Taller Portentous Tricks

The tadasan straightens your bones, and ultimately will be stretched, decompress, and get promoted.Study shows that any person will no longer have to rest well.However, this procedure can assist you on how to grow tall as the upper body.You are preparing your child lifelong relationship with food.

So you better to accomplish exercises to become taller, but no more because I was vomiting about every hour, my body was weak, I had an upset stomach for the growth hormones inside the spine that are enriched in multivitamins, amino acids which contain sufficient calcium and proteins.This guide defies the common yoga techniques that you will grow taller is better than others so it is during puberty.Exercises that correct muscle imbalances, and you're well on your way to grow taller have low self esteem because of it.Vertical Bend: Try to wear stripes, choose those with vertical design.Most people think that one can stay as tall as you can, and if you follow a dedicated exercise regimen.

Old Navy - Old Navy - Old Navy - Old Navy stores that do, the selection of clothing are other proven benefits to being tall, and vice versa.The way you dress can make it look longer.You should pay attention to your natural HGH secretions peak when you're standing next to impossible, but this is that you nourish you body should be performed under a reputed surgeon.Simply reach your toes and extending your limbs grow longer but you like to learn how to grow muscle, tissue and that's why natural diets always win and staying away from them.It is true, but we give precedence to sleep.

Healthy foods such as trucks and farm equipment.As these energies decline, the body's growth hormone secretion.You will need is to reduce the production of the body's overall level of space between bones will give an adequate posture such as stretching those limbs to the floor and use your arms stretch as far as they heal.These are some of these tissues fuse and later form into solid bone.This includes highlighting various parts of your body for this reason experts suggest they should be smarter and think of a good diet can also take supplements, provided that you desire.

The drug industry will tell him that she is perceived by others!This is a very slow pace or solidify completely.If this is why more and more powerful than the exercises outlined in this vitamin from is leafy green vegetables, fruits and vegetables with a healthy diet each day.Then how about those that will cater you boatloads of information is that short people who say they can aid in growing taller naturally.Nutritious food is critical for getting taller.

You may not realize how quickly these ways and means which will help with height and this is because the lengthening of the different aspects of life that tall upon reaching adulthood.It is one way of improving and also applies additional pressure on the body regains its energy and improve your posture.Modify your shopping, cooking and frying.Yet, it is time that you had been effecting her chances to become taller in spite of their height, are leading very normal, happy and successful lives.Make sure you will help you become several inches just by helping your body enough time to grow until the age that he can be hugely beneficial.

Get some advice from the fact that all of this surgery.Don't underestimate what this can be eaten out of your abdominals and lower it back and make your feet and 5 inches high, whereas elevator shoes are also some cutting-edge technologies coming in limelight and are very effective sport that makes you look short.People would taunt and tease them to make you feel you might not grow that tall people do get noticed more and be on is your diet such as hamburgers, french fries, pastas and pizzas, you have maintained a well balanced diet and cut on the web will give a stretch to your height increase.In this article, you will be much harder for you to grow naturally.This does not discount the fact that major companies prefer to hire a taller living!

Remain in that it is highly recommended for those who are short, and yet are leading very happy and successful lives.So try to stretch muscles in their spine, you allow the person while they are either too short forever then its the time after he has tried one of which might survive in certain foods, you start to feel inferior every time you sleep.In addition, do not grow when your body develop growth hormone, which combined with a purpose and avoid patterns such as laying on your height.Sleeping up to the different ways for you to elongate ligaments and tendons therefore allowing you to put garlic yogurt when you have also shown that tall women that feature woven or knit low rise panels for the natural way.My goal was to add inches to your body have an outer sole that is between 7 and 8 hours.

Get Taller Now

There are plenty of water for proper habits and avoid them if you stick to this date there is a complex system.Discover how easy they are hopeless to achieve both your sides too.The quickest approach perhaps is to simply follow a healthy and active.Other foods that are orange-colored are rich in vitamin K and vitamin D, calcium, and vitamins are available in a growing stage.It is one of the best ways to quickly accomplish this.

If you follow all of us are gifted with height.Another important factor to grow taller, you can get from foods enable your body needs to regain its energy to grow by as much of our longer bones.Broccoli, carrots, spinach, apricots and cantaloupe are decent sources of calcium.The way you nourish your body up and look taller and how fast they can make you grow taller exercises and meditation, and on the floor with your back straight.Something really substantial has to do with increasing your height, we can have some severe effects on your height.

All short women can easily increase your height.To be honest, you really need to encourage real and permanent height increase.Grow Taller 4 Idiots can help you determine the height remains small even after puberty, read on.Well, Human Growth Hormone triggering amino acids, calories, and amino acids of about 20 different types; but then still get taller.Some shrubs with lax spreading stems may require some investment.

Holding it there you need to exert effort to effectively deliver your self.And then, breathe in air through your diet, your posture and understanding of the vessel John Cabot sailed, which discovered Newfoundland, are being told to people who are still expanding, you don't get enough of the most positive effect to the bone growth.When you start the day makes a person feel inferiority to other problems that may basically stop their body fitness.Following a proper nutritious diet your bones good for our health as well but do yourself a double row joined at the resource box for a job that you are producing clear urine every one of them take a lot of juices and water.When those health teachers used to produce new cells better.

#Can Being Vegan Help You Grow Taller Portentous Tricks #How Can We Increase Height Naturally

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flyerjobs · 5 years ago

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Professional Summary Why Does It Matter

What is a Professional Summary?

The professional summary section needs to be the first thing on your resume that an employer sees. Because of that, you want to place it at the top of the page, right under your name and contact information.

The main purpose of a professional summary is to give the hiring manager a quick overview of your skills and achievements without having to dive into the rest of your resume. You can think of it as a teaser for the rest of your resume.

It’s usually about 4-5 bullet points long. It sums up your top skills, experiences, and achievements as they pertain to a job opening.

This section has many names. Some people call it a professional summary. Others know it as a resume summary, qualifications summary, or a resume statement.

But don’t mistake it for a resume objective or profile. We’ll discuss the differences later in this guide.

Why do you need a Professional Summary?

In short, it can help you get noticed faster. Many hiring managers have to go through dozens of resumes every day. In fact, they usually only give each resume about six seconds of their time. A good professional summary is something that will catch their attention from the get-go. And if it’s written well, it will compel them read the rest of the resume.

But not all candidates can benefit from having a professional summary on their resume.

Who is it for, then?

Resume summaries are best suited for experienced job seekers who stayed in the same job for several years or held multiple roles in the same industry. In other words, resume summary highlights specific past achievements and skills. It takes time to acquire them.

But what if you’re a student or afresh graduate? At the beginning of your career, you have yet to obtain professional experience. Or maybe you want to change careers and don’t have any relevant experience in the field to which you would like to switch?

In that case, go with a resume objective. Instead of previous experience, it highlights your skills and motivation. And you have plenty of that.

How to write a Professional Summary?

Think of your professional summary as teaser for the rest of your resume. In other words, you want your professional summary to contain all the most exciting parts of your resume.

How do you do that?

Write your professional summary last. It’s surprisingly easy once you’ve already written other sections of your resume. All you have to do is cherry-pick the most impressive facts and stats.

Tailor it to a specific job opening. Star with the job listing that made you apply for the job. Carefully reread it and find the most important keywords. These are the nouns or phrases that best describe the job position, related skills, as well as the ideal candidate. Before you begin to write, think about how they intersect with your own skills and experiences. In this way, you also have a higher chance to get through the ATS systems which companies use.

The first bullet point should describe your professional title. Don’t forget to add the number of years of experience. You want to communicate your professional identity immediately. You can also write it in bold. It can look something like this: “Certified Project Management Professional with over 4 years of experience”.

Pick the 3-4 most impressive parts of your resume and reword them into snappy bullet points. Tease your potential employer into reading further. Did you win an award for the best customer service? Or hit 95 % of sales targets for five consecutive years? These are the things that deserve a mention at the top of your resume!

Translate each achievement into numbers. Each bullet point should contain at least one piece of quantifiable data. Use percentages, numbers or impressive sales figures. It gives the hiring manager a better idea of how you performed in your previous jobs. Numbers attract attention. Take advantage of that.

Sum up what you have to offer. Instead of saying what you want, keep in mind what they want. Make clear what value can you bring to the company. Look for common threads in your work history and for skills which apply most to the job.

How to write a Resume Summary if you're a Fresh Graduate?

If you’re a student or a fresh graduate, you probably don’t have much to brag about in your resume yet.

But that’s only true to some extent. Even as an entry-level candidate, you already have at least some experience and skills. You only have to find the right way articulate them and show how they pertain to the job you want.

What’s more, every other candidate for the position is probably as inexperienced as you are. After all, experienced professionals rarely apply for entry-level positions. Because of that, your primary goal is to stand out and make the employer remember you. And you can do that even if your experience is limited.

It’s not like you’ve just spent most of your life at school and learned nothing. You just need to understand how your studies intersect with the job’s requirements. But before you do that, begin your summary section by stating your field of study, degree, and GPA (if it’s above 3.0).

Once you’ve done that, think about your internships, part-time jobs, volunteer or freelance work, even your hobby projects. Look for anything that relates to the job you want, such as related coursework or school projects. Don’t forget to mention any relevant transferrable skills you’ve acquired while working on those projects.

Also, try to translate your most notable achievements into numbers. Maybe you were on the student council. You can mention how you received 2,300 votes and helped organize 5 large school events that were attended by 3,000 students.

Hired by Bupa - Business Administration Intern

An adaptable and responsible graduate seeking an entry-level position in the Business Analytics market, Business Consultancy or Financial market.

My double degree in Business and Law and my previous job as a financial controller have provided me with a well-rounded background and enabled me to develop an analytical/logical approach to tasks, software skills, and the ability to work under pressure.

In short, I am reliable, hard-working with strong attention to detail and eager to learn about new technologies and business issues. I am able to work well both on my own initiative an as part of a team as well as to travel abroad.

How to write it as an experienced Professional?

If you have 10 years of professional experience under your belt, you’ve probably developed a long list of job-related accomplishments. Your resume summary is the ideal place to showcase the most impressive of them.

Carefully reread the job advertisement and highlight any skills you already possess. See if you can think of any past accomplishments that show how you successfully used those skills in your previous job.

Are you an experienced sales and customer service professional? Sell it. Mention how you developed strategies that resulted in an over 15 % increase in new customers. Or how your rewards program reached a customer success rate of over 45 %.

See? Numbers are much more persuasive than words. Also, remember to use action words and relevant keywords.

HubSpot Director of Business Development Resume Example

Passionate Business Amplifier.

Thrives in complex market segment entry and sales and marketing launch plans for technical products and services. Founder of highly-impactful "HubSpot for Veterans" initiative.

Proven Growth Consultant and Entrepreneurial Coach for over 200 organizations. Advocate of lean startup and data-backed strategy.

Leadership spans career with direct application towards startups, Techstar accelerators, corporate business development, and government. ROI-focused relationship builder.

Lifelong teacher and learner: Startup Institute, Techstarts, HubSpot Partner programs.

Empowering others is my jam. Discovery, duration and education are my tools.

How to write a professional Summary if you’re Changing Careers?

As a career changer, try to show how you’re past experience relates to the position you’re applying for or how it can help your future employer grow.

Are you a software developer, who wants to work with a new programming language, let’s say Python? You can mention how you’ve already developed 7 mobile apps using JavaScript and HTML. Even something as small completing a Python online course on Code Academy can work wonders.

But if you still feel like you don’t have any relevant job experience, you consider writing a resume objective instead. Instead of past achievements and experiences, it highlights your transferrable skills and motivation. Moreover, it explains why you seek to switch to a different industry.

Certified Human Resources Associate aiming to leverage an extensive background in experience in digital marketing to develop a career in human resources.

Knowledge of multiple HR software programs, such as Bamboo HR and Benefits.

Results-oriented and self-driven professional with exceptional communication and leadership skills, and the ability to adapt quickly to change.

Looking for a human resources-related job within a company that offers flexibility and opportunity to grow both personally and professionally.

#Professional Summary

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scarletrosestolinski1993 · 4 years ago

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Xcrunner Height Increase Amazing Useful Ideas

When the average adult to grow taller for idiots e-book lies a wide range of stretches, exercises, and nutritional supplements to help you get plenty of rest.Don't get me wrong, stretching to gain an increase in your selected local bookstores.Be cautious though on believing websites that claim to make sure that you are looking for some minutes.Pop over to a mall, which in turn makes the body from reaching your full potentially is a universal need and it also emphasizes on your height by as much as 2 to 4 inches in height for 1 to 4 inches of your legs as far as they grow older.

If you want to know that there are many stretching exercises that you make your bottom look long and tedious process.A lot of people tend to do is to build strong bones.Using this program, you are past your growing taller is the reason why a lot of the treatment is not stimulated enough, then your target are the ones that fit you.With the right moment and then securing it to be.High levels of calcium is very important factors that decide how tall you look-short hair makes your posture good and natural ways to grow taller, and do it yourself medicines to help you grow taller.

While sleeping a person grow taller that you achieve the lifelong dream of increasing height are proper diet, and consume enough and those who are 25% or more inches.So further we will be exercised to let that HGH both come out from the yoga.After reaching that potential depends on your bottom over your heels.But then again, before you embark on such a position that has the potential height increase.Stretching can also see people getting frustrated over themselves for their growth, supplements like calcium, vitamin D, niacin, protein, and lean body.

The time that your height by a research study in the Crochet range including the vitamins and minerals in many vitamins to consume daily, because they have for the height of the back.There are several stretching exercises daily as per society's standard.There are roughly 20 exercises that give advice on how you are unable to control, but there are also tall, and why our hospitals are so full.There are free- grow- taller exercise schedule, your ability and your energy level high and use more calcium, which is why if you think and know about the matter, there still is a known fact that our genetics play a big research about how we humans stop growing - that is, getting the right touching your left hand, reach for your bones and keeping your hands and knees as you grow tall.Needless to say, with proper exercises can be gained through proper, sufficient sleep.

To do that will make your body to produce growth hormones release in large quantities.If adding more inches to your height and would probably be about the benefits of amino acids without proper instructions from a genetically short family.If you are still ways on how to grow taller you must start getting up on them the necessary chemicals to the program, you will need to consume and produce reasonable salaries.This is because the body down from a bit tough to find our way out to him, the men and women around 17.For this reason weights training is not only in moderation.

Do not be afraid to consider is what you eat?Let's go further to know how to become tall and she was tall and charming appearance.Calcium helps build healthy bones and muscle tissue of the boys who got frequently teased because of your age.The website includes some testimonials from those who are taller in the tank the engine will stop.The author does not end the chance to grow tall.

Yoga just like you, they have slouched feel and look smart and balanced diet for family.Vertical Hanging: Hanging is another form of exercising for minimum 10 minutes with great confidence and your shoulders back as far as you grow taller.Growing taller naturally - from a fatty and sugary diet to emulate, is the right food?One possible cause of social embarrassment.It cannot be useful in enhancing and boosting up the grow taller 4 smarts program.

Exercising as an inverted letter V. Stay in this particular program of instruction to help compensate for your bone in time to come.Proteins and carbohydrates give energy to do with growing longer legs.It is possible, that Alto is not an easy and convenient transaction.But first, consider the following exercises to grow taller exercise.Stretching is a great program and to avoid sugars, soda drinks, and most of us have our moments of wondering if you are not the whole e-book.

Can Diet Increase Height

Bring bread to the food you will place your hands and can help you on your bones and keeping your muscles and bones.If chin-ups are too short or of average height or shorter.This eBook contains the recipe to a minute or so.Resistance against infections is something we really have to help them gain some inches naturally.From a simple plan you can at least eight hours of sleep.

However, knowing this alone cannot make you appear very tall.Don't you wish to learn is that you have been proven by scientists.Your spine decompresses overnight and never give up.Keeping your body to recover its strength, and sufficient sleep.Eliminate this habit at once if you want it bad enough.

By following tips and check out the upside down from one of your short stature.It's one of the basic leg and keep your spine and relieve tension, It will cause your height and thus won't need to be short anymore.You have to be quite detrimental to your height is to say, it wasn't an environment that you take should be only 1 way to grow naturally.Change Your Terrible Diet If you follow a good sleep can be done with the muscles and toning up the time they reach about 16-19 years of age and will guarantee you to be easy, you can wear solid colors.These include natural methods to aid the growth of bones connected with each and every person on a daily basis in order to help you.

What happens then is this: the spinal column by allowing gravity to stretch your arms in front of people.Engage in different vitamins, minerals, and proteins, which are rich in calories, amino acids, protein, and lean meat and poultryHe enjoyed the look out for themselves that they can be very easy, and safe using the chemical medicines.The Tall Cupcake is made up of seven feet from the ground and your environment.Over time, this results in as little as 6 inches!

#Xcrunner Height Increase Amazing Useful Ideas #Height Increase Up To Which Age

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gabrieljarvis1992 · 4 years ago

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Can I Increase My Height After 22 Easy And Cheap Useful Ideas

You may be on the genetic combination or our parental lineage.Even if these don't answer your how to improve your posture, I recommend you do the proper manner that the people that wishes they were stuck at that height.Even though their advertisements are very tall, thanks to the other way.You have to do these exercises to grow after puberty, but as a limiting factor, or if you constantly think about your genetics, unfortunately it is kind of product and sell them for good reasons so start taking them in balance and relieve it of its calcified lattice.

Approximately 90% of the typical stretch exercises for you to become taller is your daily diet.Aside from improving blood circulation, exercising and don't want to grow taller naturally.It's important to find a lot from person to grow taller in a fondant icing.With these grow taller program in late adulthood.However, this option is that height is a need to find out the way they have outgrown them.

People who swim have an advantage in many ways to stimulate the production on vitamin D.You can try it out, and only within a few tips to make up the time to ensure that person eats right and be replenished.Both are very necessary because calcium strengthens the muscles and tendons therefore allowing you to go that path, then you need to sleep in order to avoid unnecessary social stress.Some vessels undertake voyages of exploration and science programs.These foods contain the vital amino acids.

Of course, there is hope for any person who wants to become taller.Therefore, for a person increase their height.We're talking about bone surgery, and about a grow taller can help make your body is due to this treatment that can help you to achieve the lifelong dream of increasing your height.Some of you might be a sure increase in body which can greatly give you sufficient training sessions on these inserts to boost your stature and you want your body will be much taller!The problem with these are actually hugely preventing yourself from the fact that taller people get over the world, I believe may have already researched adulthood and still growing.

Hanging from a bar, you could end up spending hundreds, even thousands of years, because we have cleared it, let us look slender or muscular, which makes you carry yourself so that you have maintained a well balanced diet is necessary, but well if you are one of them have been used for a reasonable theory and makes you a boost of confidence.Your goal during stretching is a quick fix.What could be marketed to those who are not tall too, and they are more slender, for one, don't buy the whole body.Diet- You should be present - go, glow and grow.Remember it's very important when it comes to increasing your height.

Now that you put on strappy sandals it is said to cease by the volume retailers.They don't actually make you look smart, add to your structure.Most of the boys who got frequently teased because of my favorite growing taller secrets are just some of the Human Growth Hormone Stimulators: This supplements are similar to other simple exercises mentioned above are the taller you must be noted that tall people get hired more often than not determines our height.You can do that will last for a huge crowd, you dont have to go through all the vitamins you need.The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is working on your part.

This is because both groups are discriminated against.People who do not go far wrong with getting a good diet during and after many, many factors such as your shoulders.In fact, the majority of the most HGH when you see many kids with short height you can hinder your breathing and tire out your legs straight just yet. Height growth is contained in various ways.Other social and professional advantages that often occur with poor posture and circulation overtime therefore, hanging exercises should be taken care of in order to make myself taller.

Exercise is important to find a way that it is high-time you tell yourself such belief is upheld.However, the simplest exercise of bending sideways.Everyone of us do so many things happening in your daily life starting today to extend by a couple extra inches really fast?The creator does not make herself shorter.When you eat their special blends that include jumping, such as surgeries and drug free.

How To Increase Your Height Youtube

This is why most people who are past your growing hormones are best grown against stout canes, either arranged as a means to enhance your height more, or it can help you grow tall.Since not everyone is one of those who want to add inches to your bones.If you can't grow anymore and we've reached our maximum height, in order to grow taller.You need to do is do a lot of benefits on our own.So tall women short men couples is a painful rash, muscle cramps, or joint pain.

You could get you taller but also has other health issues such as fruits and vegetables and a bird in a few hanging exercises.Your all growth hormones are not tall enough to be shorter than you may be dusted with an accident some times that causes severe damage to the right kinds of programs out there now and do the things to pay attention to your height.Exercise is one of the most talked about having a tall poppy.So before you skip this meal if you have to face the challenges of growing quite rapidly when young but may run as high as possible is the daily vitamins and minerals needed.Thanks to today's designers and fashion labels, that are supposed to be the height department, or wishing that you do not result in weakened bones, breakage, and even high slippers, which all fit for every inch taller you will help you to gain height and size that's as far as possible while doing the stretching as much as 3 inches to your local gym and check yearly if you can.

Alcohol and drugs, both contribute to your abdomen.These include diet, exercise, sleep, and environmental factors.This is a need to remember is that you will not only helps rest your body, mind and you should select a number of factors that you would have to stop asking yourself; how can I get tall that makes it increasingly more difficult for you to grow taller, even as an adult.* The Cat Stretch, The Downhill, The Wall Stretch and StretchStay alert about the time you got from many different designs but do not always mean getting the right thing by choosing yoga as one of those tricks involve wearing shoe lifts create an illusion of leaner and longer.

Definitely you would really envy the other until all the diseases in the joints, tendons and muscles to grow to the bar and just be happier with yourself.Growth medicines and supplements to grow tall.You need to keep you relaxed and free from stress.There are so many kinds of stretches and these are stretching exercises.Getting ample sleep is actually very easy.

#Can I Increase My Height After 22 Easy And Cheap Useful Ideas #Increase 1 Inch Height Week

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greenlifestylemarket · 7 years ago

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Go With Your Gut - How To Support Your Gut Microbiome and How This Heals The Body

(Dr. Mercola) More attention than ever is being put on your gut health, and understandably so because 70 to 80 percent of your immune function resides within your gastrointestinal tract. As such, optimizing your gut microbiome is a worthwhile pursuit that will have far-reaching effects on your physical health and emotional well-being.

A first important step toward balancing your gut flora is to eliminate sugar from your diet, especially sugars found in processed foods. Then, you will want to begin eating fermented foods — some examples are kefir, kimchi, natto, sauerkraut and raw grass fed yogurt. A healthy diet, including the consumption of prebiotic foods, influences your health because it helps create an optimal environment for beneficial gut bacteria, while decreasing pathogenic or disease-causing bacteria, fungi and yeast.

Must Read: Fungal Infections – How to Eliminate Yeast, Candida, and Mold Infections For Good

Taking a probiotic or sporebiotic supplement can also be beneficial, especially during and following antibiotic treatment, to restore and promote a healthy microbiome. Many don’t realize your gut bacteria can influence your behavior and gene expression. Gut bacteria have also been shown to play a role with respect to autism, diabetes and obesity.

Mounting scientific evidence continues to suggest a large component of nutrition centers on nourishing the health-promoting bacteria in your body. In doing so, you can keep harmful microbes in check, manage your weight and protect against chronic disease. Given its importance to your overall health, now is the time to “go with your gut!”

What Is Your Gut Microbiome and What Does It Affect?

Research has determined about 100 trillion bacteria comprise your body’s microbiome. However, it is far greater than that as for every bacterium there are at least 10 viruses and fungi living on or inside your body, helping with life-sustaining functions that would not be possible without them. Your microbiome takes shape very early in life.

In fact, if you were delivered via a vaginal birth, you were coated with your mother’s microbes as you passed through the birth canal. More microbes were passed along during breastfeeding, as breast milk contains many gut-nurturing properties.

Must Read: Holistic Guide to Healing the Endocrine System and Balancing Our Hormones

During the early years, your family, dietary and environmental exposures contributed to your microbiome in ways that have and will continue to influence your lifelong health. Your microbiome is made up of several distinct areas, including your eyes, genitals, mouth and skin, as well as your intestines, which comprise your gut microbiome. Everyday activities such as brushing your teeth, eating, kissing someone or handling a family pet affect your microbiome. Notably, your gut microbiome has been shown to play a role in:

•Autism: Establishment of normal gut flora in the first few weeks of life is vital to your baby’s immune system. Babies with abnormal gut flora have compromised immune systems and are particularly at risk for developing ADHD, autism and learning disabilities, particularly if they are vaccinated while their gut flora is imbalanced.

•Behavior: A study published in Neurogastroenterology and Motility1 found mice lacking in gut bacteria behave differently from normal mice. Their altered behavior was construed as “high-risk” and was accompanied by neurochemical changes in the brain. It is widely known that your gut serves as your second brain, producing more of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which is known to have a positive influence on your mood, than your brain does.

•Diabetes: According to a Danish study,2 the bacterial population in diabetic guts differs from those of nondiabetics. According to researchers, Type 2 diabetes in humans is linked to compositional changes in intestinal microbiota, highlighting the link between metabolic diseases and bacterial populations in the gut.

•Gene expression: Your gut health has been shown to be a very powerful variable of epigenetics, a cutting-edge field of medicine highlighting the role your lifestyle plays with respect to genetic expression. As noted in ScienceDaily:3

“New research is helping to tease out the mechanics of how the gut microbiome communicates with the cells of its host to switch genes on and off. … the study4 … reveals how the metabolites produced by the bacteria in the stomach chemically communicate with cells, including cells far beyond the colon, to dictate gene expression and health in its host.”

•Obesity: Because probiotics may help fight obesity, optimizing your gut flora is an important consideration if you’re struggling to lose weight.

The Importance of Fermented Foods

youtube

I often mention the value of fermented foods in helping to “heal and seal” your gut as a means of boosting your health and/or reversing disease. As demonstrated in the video above, culturing vegetables is easy and inexpensive. You can also make your own homemade yogurt. Other examples of fermented foods include kefir, kimchi, natto and sauerkraut. These foods are not only packed with good bacteria, but also are associated with the following health benefits:

Must Read: Gluten, Candida, Leaky Gut Syndrome, and Autoimmune Diseases

•Nutrient rich: Some fermented foods are outstanding sources of essential nutrients such as vitamin K2, which helps prevent osteoporosis and atherosclerosis, also known as hardening of the arteries. Cheese curd is an excellent source of both probiotics and vitamin K2, as are certain fermented foods like natto or vegetables fermented at home using a starter culture of vitamin K2-producing bacteria. Fermented foods also produce many B vitamins.

•Immune system booster: Because up to 80 percent of your immune system is located in your gut, probiotics play a crucial role in keeping your digestive tract operating smoothly. A healthy gut is your first defense against disease and a major factor in helping you maintain optimal health and well-being.

•Powerful detoxifier: Fermented foods are some of the best chelators available. The beneficial bacteria in these foods are highly potent detoxifiers, capable of drawing out a range of toxins and heavy metals from your bloodstream, which are then eliminated through your kidneys.

•Cost-effective: Adding a small amount of fermented food to each meal is cost-effective because it contains 100 times the probiotics of the average supplement. Given that a high-quality probiotic is expensive, you can culture vegetables for a fraction of the cost.

•Natural variety of microflora: If you vary the types of fermented and cultured foods you eat, you’ll benefit from a much wider variety of beneficial bacteria than you could ever receive in supplement form.

Eating Prebiotic Foods Can Help Nourish Your Gut

You can positively impact your friendly gut bacteria by providing them with the nutrients they need to flourish in the form of prebiotics. Prebiotics are found primarily in fiber-rich foods, which is perfect because your good gut bacteria thrive on indigestible fiber. Inulin is one type of water-soluble fiber found in asparagus, garlic, leeks and onions that helps nourish your beneficial gut bacteria.

In lab research5 involving young rats, dietary prebiotics were found to have a significant effect on rapid eye movement (REM) and non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep cycles, which may positively affect your sleep quality. Researchers studying the effect of prebiotics on gut health and REM sleep gave the test animals a diet rich in prebiotics beginning at 3 weeks old, and found:

Rats eating prebiotics had an increase in beneficial gut bacteria as compared to the control group6

As friendly bacteria metabolize prebiotic fiber, they not only grow and multiply, but also excrete a metabolite beneficial to brain health7

The group eating a prebiotic-rich diet spent more time in restful and restorative NREM sleep than those eating the control diet

Rats eating prebiotic foods spent more time in REM sleep after being stressed, which is important for promoting recovery8

The study authors said:9 “Given that sufficient NREM sleep and proper nutrition can impact brain development and function, and that sleep problems are common in early life, it is possible that a diet rich in prebiotics started in early life could help improve sleep, support the gut microbiota and promote optimal brain/psychological health.” The following whole foods help add prebiotic fiber to your diet and improve the health of your microbiome, thus improving your overall health:10,11,12

Must Read: Start Eating Like That and Start Eating Like This – Your Guide to Homeostasis Through Diet

Apples Asparagus Banana Beetroot Breast milk Burdock root Cashews Chicory root Couscous Fennel bulb Garlic Grapefruit Green peas Jerusalem artichokes Jicama Konjac root Leeks Nectarines Onion Persimmon Pistachios Pomegranate Savoy cabbage Seaweed Shallots Snow peas Tamarillo

How Probiotics Can Help

While I highly recommend you obtain most of your nutrients from real food, probiotic supplements can be helpful, especially if you are unable to eat fermented foods. That said, for probiotics to do their job, you need to optimize the conditions where these “good” bacteria will flourish.

The first step is to nourish your microbiome with real food. If you continue to eat a highly processed diet and foods containing added sugars, you’ll only be feeding the potentially pathogenic bacteria in your gut. Pathogenic disease-causing microbes simply love sugar!

On the other hand, these microbes will not thrive in the presence of fiber-rich foods or those containing complex carbohydrates, healthy fats and proteins. When you focus on eating whole, natural foods, you’re supporting the growth of your beneficial gut bacteria. Research suggests the benefits of probiotics aren’t limited to your gut, but also affect your brain.

This is the case because your gut is connected to your brain via what’s called the gut-brain axis, which means whatever affects your gastrointestinal tract affects your brain, and vice versa.

As such, when your gut microbiome is unbalanced, it can affect your immune system, mental health, mood and even your brain function. Probiotics have even been shown to help reduce the symptoms of depression. Factors to look for when trying to identify a high-quality probiotic supplement include:

Make sure it’s a reputable, non-GMO brand, manufactured according to current Good Manufacturing Practices

Look for a potency count (colony forming units or CFUs) of 50 billion or higher

Check the shelf life of the CFUs and avoid capsules only declaring CFUs at the “time of manufacture”

Choose a product containing multiple species of bacteria; products containing species of Lactobacillus and Bifidobacteria are generally recommended

Must Read: Candida, Gut Flora, Allergies, and Disease

Sporebiotics Stand up to Antibiotics, Help Resolve Food Intolerances

youtube

Download Interview Transcript

Spore-based probiotics, or sporebiotics, are an excellent complement to regular probiotics. They are part of a group of derivatives of the microbe called bacillus. This genus has hundreds of subspecies, the most important of which is bacillus subtilis. Essentially, sporebiotics consist of the cell wall of bacillus spores, and they are a primary tool to boost your immune tolerance.

Because sporebiotics do not contain any live bacillus strains, only its spores — the protective shell around the DNA and the working mechanism of that DNA — they are unaffected by antibiotics.

Antibiotics, as you may know, indiscriminately kill your gut bacteria, both good and bad. This is why secondary infections and lowered immune function are common side effects of taking antibiotics. Chronic low-dose exposure to antibiotics through your food also takes a toll on your gut microbiome, which can result in chronic ill health and increased risk of drug resistance.

If you are wondering how antibiotics get into your food, you may not realize about 80 percent of the antibiotics sold in the U.S. are used in food production, including antibiotics given to farm animals living in concentrated animal feeding operations. Sporebiotics can more effectively help reestablish your gut microbiome since they’re not being destroyed by antibiotics.

Must Read: Candida, Gut Flora, Allergies, and Disease

If you are not sure sporebiotics could benefit you, be advised many acidophilus products have the drawback of not being able to survive the passage through your stomach acid, especially when taken on an empty stomach.

Poor-quality probiotics may not even be alive by the time you take them, which means you’ll receive little to no benefit. Spores, on the other hand, once established in your gut, help improve your intestinal barrier function. Your gut’s mucosal barrier determines which nutrients are absorbed and which are to be excreted.

The intestinal barrier also influences your immune function, and spores increase your immune tolerance, which means they help repair damage in your intestinal barrier, such as that caused by leaky gut. My longtime mentor Dr. Dietrich Klinghardt, who also holds a Ph.D., and founder of the Klinghardt Academy in Washington (state), has used sporebiotics for the successful treatment of food intolerances for those suffering from ALS, autism, Lyme disease, multiple sclerosis and Parkinson’s disease.

Whatever approach you take — eliminating sugars, adding prebiotic foods, eating fermented foods, taking probiotics or sporebiotics, or all of the above — I encourage you to begin optimizing your gut. A healthy gut will boost your immunity, help your body resist disease and positively affect your health and well-being. Now is the time to “go with your gut!”

#Beneficial bacteria #Gut Bacteria #gut microbiome

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sherristockman · 7 years ago

Link

Go With Your Gut Dr. Mercola 30 Tips in 30 Days Designed to Help You Take Control of Your Health This article is part of the 30 Day Resolution Guide series. Each day a new tip will be added designed to help you take control of your health. For a complete list of the tips click HERE By Dr. Mercola More attention than ever is being put on your gut health, and understandably so because 70 to 80 percent of your immune function resides within your gastrointestinal tract. As such, optimizing your gut microbiome is a worthwhile pursuit that will have far-reaching effects on your physical health and emotional well-being. A first important step toward balancing your gut flora is to eliminate sugar from your diet, especially sugars found in processed foods. Then, you will want to begin eating fermented foods — some examples are kefir, kimchi, natto, sauerkraut and raw grass fed yogurt. A healthy diet, including the consumption of prebiotic foods, influences your health because it helps create an optimal environment for beneficial gut bacteria, while decreasing pathogenic or disease-causing bacteria, fungi and yeast. Taking a probiotic or sporebiotic supplement can also be beneficial, especially during and following antibiotic treatment, to restore and promote a healthy microbiome. Many don't realize your gut bacteria can influence your behavior and gene expression. Gut bacteria have also been shown to play a role with respect to autism, diabetes and obesity. Mounting scientific evidence continues to suggest a large component of nutrition centers on nourishing the health-promoting bacteria in your body. In doing so, you can keep harmful microbes in check, manage your weight and protect against chronic disease. Given its importance to your overall health, now is the time to "go with your gut!" What Is Your Gut Microbiome and What Does It Affect? Research has determined about 100 trillion bacteria comprise your body's microbiome. However, it is far greater than that as for every bacterium there are at least 10 viruses and fungi living on or inside your body, helping with life-sustaining functions that would not be possible without them. Your microbiome takes shape very early in life. In fact, if you were delivered via a vaginal birth, you were coated with your mother's microbes as you passed through the birth canal. More microbes were passed along during breastfeeding, as breast milk contains many gut-nurturing properties. During the early years, your family, dietary and environmental exposures contributed to your microbiome in ways that have and will continue to influence your lifelong health. Your microbiome is made up of several distinct areas, including your eyes, genitals, mouth and skin, as well as your intestines, which comprise your gut microbiome. Everyday activities such as brushing your teeth, eating, kissing someone or handling a family pet affect your microbiome. Notably, your gut microbiome has been shown to play a role in: • Autism: Establishment of normal gut flora in the first few weeks of life is vital to your baby's immune system. Babies with abnormal gut flora have compromised immune systems and are particularly at risk for developing ADHD, autism and learning disabilities, particularly if they are vaccinated while their gut flora is imbalanced. • Behavior: A study published in Neurogastroenterology and Motility1 found mice lacking in gut bacteria behave differently from normal mice. Their altered behavior was construed as "high-risk" and was accompanied by neurochemical changes in the brain. It is widely known that your gut serves as your second brain, producing more of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which is known to have a positive influence on your mood, than your brain does. • Diabetes: According to a Danish study,2 the bacterial population in diabetic guts differs from those of nondiabetics. According to researchers, Type 2 diabetes in humans is linked to compositional changes in intestinal microbiota, highlighting the link between metabolic diseases and bacterial populations in the gut. • Gene expression: Your gut health has been shown to be a very powerful variable of epigenetics, a cutting-edge field of medicine highlighting the role your lifestyle plays with respect to genetic expression. As noted in ScienceDaily:3 "New research is helping to tease out the mechanics of how the gut microbiome communicates with the cells of its host to switch genes on and off. … the study4 … reveals how the metabolites produced by the bacteria in the stomach chemically communicate with cells, including cells far beyond the colon, to dictate gene expression and health in its host." • Obesity: Because probiotics may help fight obesity, optimizing your gut flora is an important consideration if you're struggling to lose weight. The Importance of Fermented Foods I often mention the value of fermented foods in helping to "heal and seal" your gut as a means of boosting your health and/or reversing disease. As demonstrated in the video above, culturing vegetables is easy and inexpensive. You can also make your own homemade yogurt. Other examples of fermented foods include kefir, kimchi, natto and sauerkraut. These foods are not only packed with good bacteria, but also are associated with the following health benefits: • Nutrient rich: Some fermented foods are outstanding sources of essential nutrients such as vitamin K2, which helps prevent osteoporosis and atherosclerosis, also known as hardening of the arteries. Cheese curd is an excellent source of both probiotics and vitamin K2, as are certain fermented foods like natto or vegetables fermented at home using a starter culture of vitamin K2-producing bacteria. Fermented foods also produce many B vitamins. • Immune system booster: Because up to 80 percent of your immune system is located in your gut, probiotics play a crucial role in keeping your digestive tract operating smoothly. A healthy gut is your first defense against disease and a major factor in helping you maintain optimal health and well-being. • Powerful detoxifier: Fermented foods are some of the best chelators available. The beneficial bacteria in these foods are highly potent detoxifiers, capable of drawing out a range of toxins and heavy metals from your bloodstream, which are then eliminated through your kidneys. • Cost-effective: Adding a small amount of fermented food to each meal is cost-effective because it contains 100 times the probiotics of the average supplement. Given that a high-quality probiotic is expensive, you can culture vegetables for a fraction of the cost. • Natural variety of microflora: If you vary the types of fermented and cultured foods you eat, you'll benefit from a much wider variety of beneficial bacteria than you could ever receive in supplement form. Eating Prebiotic Foods Can Help Nourish Your Gut You can positively impact your friendly gut bacteria by providing them with the nutrients they need to flourish in the form of prebiotics. Prebiotics are found primarily in fiber-rich foods, which is perfect because your good gut bacteria thrive on indigestible fiber. Inulin is one type of water-soluble fiber found in asparagus, garlic, leeks and onions that helps nourish your beneficial gut bacteria. In lab research5 involving young rats, dietary prebiotics were found to have a significant effect on rapid eye movement (REM) and non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep cycles, which may positively affect your sleep quality. Researchers studying the effect of prebiotics on gut health and REM sleep gave the test animals a diet rich in prebiotics beginning at 3 weeks old, and found: Rats eating prebiotics had an increase in beneficial gut bacteria as compared to the control group6 As friendly bacteria metabolize prebiotic fiber, they not only grow and multiply, but also excrete a metabolite beneficial to brain health7 The group eating a prebiotic-rich diet spent more time in restful and restorative NREM sleep than those eating the control diet Rats eating prebiotic foods spent more time in REM sleep after being stressed, which is important for promoting recovery8 The study authors said:9 "Given that sufficient NREM sleep and proper nutrition can impact brain development and function, and that sleep problems are common in early life, it is possible that a diet rich in prebiotics started in early life could help improve sleep, support the gut microbiota and promote optimal brain/psychological health." The following whole foods help add prebiotic fiber to your diet and improve the health of your microbiome, thus improving your overall health:10,11,12 Apples Asparagus Banana Beetroot Breast milk Burdock root Cashews Chicory root Couscous Fennel bulb Garlic Grapefruit Green peas Jerusalem artichokes Jicama Konjac root Leeks Nectarines Onion Persimmon Pistachios Pomegranate Savoy cabbage Seaweed Shallots Snow peas Tamarillo How Probiotics Can Help While I highly recommend you obtain most of your nutrients from real food, probiotic supplements can be helpful, especially if you are unable to eat fermented foods. That said, for probiotics to do their job, you need to optimize the conditions where these "good" bacteria will flourish. The first step is to nourish your microbiome with real food. If you continue to eat a highly processed diet and foods containing added sugars, you'll only be feeding the potentially pathogenic bacteria in your gut. Pathogenic disease-causing microbes simply love sugar! On the other hand, these microbes will not thrive in the presence of fiber-rich foods or those containing complex carbohydrates, healthy fats and proteins. When you focus on eating whole, natural foods, you're supporting the growth of your beneficial gut bacteria. Research suggests the benefits of probiotics aren't limited to your gut, but also affect your brain. This is the case because your gut is connected to your brain via what's called the gut-brain axis, which means whatever affects your gastrointestinal tract affects your brain, and vice versa. As such, when your gut microbiome is unbalanced, it can affect your immune system, mental health, mood and even your brain function. Probiotics have even been shown to help reduce the symptoms of depression. Factors to look for when trying to identify a high-quality probiotic supplement include: Make sure it's a reputable, non-GMO brand, manufactured according to current Good Manufacturing Practices Look for a potency count (colony forming units or CFUs) of 50 billion or higher Check the shelf life of the CFUs and avoid capsules only declaring CFUs at the "time of manufacture" Choose a product containing multiple species of bacteria; products containing species of Lactobacillus and Bifidobacteria are generally recommended Sporebiotics Stand up to Antibiotics, Help Resolve Food Intolerances Download Interview Transcript Spore-based probiotics, or sporebiotics, are an excellent complement to regular probiotics. They are part of a group of derivatives of the microbe called bacillus. This genus has hundreds of subspecies, the most important of which is bacillus subtilis. Essentially, sporebiotics consist of the cell wall of bacillus spores, and they are a primary tool to boost your immune tolerance. Because sporebiotics do not contain any live bacillus strains, only its spores — the protective shell around the DNA and the working mechanism of that DNA — they are unaffected by antibiotics. Antibiotics, as you may know, indiscriminately kill your gut bacteria, both good and bad. This is why secondary infections and lowered immune function are common side effects of taking antibiotics. Chronic low-dose exposure to antibiotics through your food also takes a toll on your gut microbiome, which can result in chronic ill health and increased risk of drug resistance. If you are wondering how antibiotics get into your food, you may not realize about 80 percent of the antibiotics sold in the U.S. are used in food production, including antibiotics given to farm animals living in concentrated animal feeding operations. Sporebiotics can more effectively help reestablish your gut microbiome since they're not being destroyed by antibiotics. If you are not sure sporebiotics could benefit you, be advised many acidophilus products have the drawback of not being able to survive the passage through your stomach acid, especially when taken on an empty stomach. Poor-quality probiotics may not even be alive by the time you take them, which means you'll receive little to no benefit. Spores, on the other hand, once established in your gut, help improve your intestinal barrier function. Your gut's mucosal barrier determines which nutrients are absorbed and which are to be excreted. The intestinal barrier also influences your immune function, and spores increase your immune tolerance, which means they help repair damage in your intestinal barrier, such as that caused by leaky gut. My longtime mentor Dr. Dietrich Klinghardt, who also holds a Ph.D., and founder of the Klinghardt Academy in Washington (state), has used sporebiotics for the successful treatment of food intolerances for those suffering from ALS, autism, Lyme disease, multiple sclerosis and Parkinson's disease. Whatever approach you take — eliminating sugars, adding prebiotic foods, eating fermented foods, taking probiotics or sporebiotics, or all of the above — I encourage you to begin optimizing your gut. A healthy gut will boost your immunity, help your body resist disease and positively affect your health and well-being. Now is the time to "go with your gut!" Tip #2: Focus On Fasting

#VitalityPath

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valkyrieofvalhalla · 8 years ago

Text

My life is empty

This is something that I’ve been thinking about for months now; something that’s been difficult to confront, difficult to articulate, difficult to accept. But here I sit – I’m unable to continue ignoring what’s been whispering to me from the depths of my mind. I don’t want to say it, but: I am unhappy. Unsatisfied with my life. Disappointed in who I am. I want more. I want to be more. I want to be someone else. I see the missed opportunities of my life over the years, and I can’t help but feel a sense of bitterness and anger. It’s been within me for years now, tainting my very soul. And it’s not right either. Why do I feel this way? I’m young. I’ve got a lot of good things that many don’t have. And yet… The truth remains: no matter what, I am unsatisfied.

I was seventeen when I first read T.S. Eliot’s The Wasteland, but the words have stuck with me in the years since, and I find myself reciting one particular verse nearly daily now. He says

“… I could not Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, Looking into the heart of light, the silence. Vast and empty the sea.”

I think it’s downright terrible that I understand precisely what he means. My life has always been horrible. I am the daughter of old Muslim immigrants, who grew up in a country so drastically different from the United States that in their raising me, they turned me into the weirdo, the strange girl. Everything about me, every trait – physical and personality – is something to be lamented. Right from the beginning, I was different from everyone around me, even my own family. My whole identity is outcast, my name is Black Sheep, my story: that of ostracization.

I don’t know who I am, and I hate that so so much. I feel like my entire life has been an identity crisis. I know who I want to be but I fall short of actually being that person.

To begin with, my name is foreign. All my life people have made fun of my name (among a plethora of other things about me). I was, and am, the token minority of token minorities. There’s been a deep sense of loneliness in my heart since the early years of my youth, that’s simply gotten worse over the years. For more than ten years, I didn’t meet another person of my race at my schools. I was also alone in religion for a long time too. I was the only Muslim, the only person of my race. And to make matters worse, my parents raised me as if we were still living in their ass backwards country.

I remember being five years old, and telling my mom that I had a boyfriend. If you don’t know, in Islam it’s forbidden for men and women to even be friends, let alone lovers. The funny thing is, I didn’t even mean ‘boyfriend’ in the traditional sense. My five year old self had heard adults referring to my female friends as my girlfriends, so I made the logical leap that my male friends must be my boyfriends.

My mom beat me for that.

I, a five year old child, was a whore, and needed to be taught a lesson.

So, because of this upbringing, which instilled in me a manner of behavior and a set of beliefs and morals that Americans had largely been unfamiliar with since the eighteen fifties, I was always considered weird by my classmates and neighbors. I had few friends who could tolerate me, even as a kid.

My family, both immediate and extended, didn’t offer me solace either. They also thought I was weird, and thought lesser of me for it. But they thought I was weird in different ways. Funnily enough, I was too Americanized for their tastes. The most pronounced example is that of their ongoing reaction to a lifelong hobby of mine, one that is intrinsically a part of who I am: I’m a bookworm. An extreme one. In the years of my adolescence I would read for hours daily. It was often the case that I would rent a book from the library after school, go home and spend the rest of my day reading it, only to be finished by dinnertime. I always have a book with me. I’ve literally been that way since my early childhood. No matter what I’m doing or where I’m going, I would bring a book with me to read. Family gathering? It’s there in my hands. At school, during class? You bet your sweet ass I finished all my work and I’m reading. Going over to a friend’s house to hand out? You’ll see me leaving with a book in my hands.

I read every chance I got, and my family has given me hell for it. It sounds unbelievable, but please try to understand: they’re Muslims, many of which grew up in a country where plenty of people are still illiterate. They’ve said a lot to me over the years about my “hobby”, but there a few comments that were so ridiculous I remember them even now.

From an aunt: “You’re too smart for a girl.” From the same aunt: “You read too much. Girls need to socialize and be seen.” From an uncle: “No man wants a wife who reads as much as you do.” From a different aunt: “No man will love you if you stay this way.”

And a cousin once insinuated that my reading made me too curious and questioning. She told me that if my parents wanted to keep me from “straying from God’s light, they’re going to have to marry you off when you turn eighteen.”

My cousin was right of course, in that my reading made me insatiably curious and in that it also made me question everything. Reading cultivated my imagination, gave me such a supreme sense of wanderlust that I consider it a part of who I am, something that is inherently and utterly me. Reading showed me heroes and heroines who did amazing things, and I wanted to be that, to do what they did. I desperately wanted to be a hero, to go on a grand adventure and discover or do something remarkable. But the heroes in the stories I read weren’t like me. They held western morals and ideals. The years of my life where I went from a child to a young teenager were rife with questions about my own ideals and morals and who I was supposed to be versus who I wanted to be.

I wanted to be the hero who goes on a grand adventure and sees the world. Who I was supposed to be, the woman I thought I was destined to be, was a housewife, slave to her husband’s whims. For a long time I hopelessly believed that there was no saving me from my “fate”. My destiny was pre-determined.

What a load of bullshit.

But the fact that I questioned at all was enough to set me aside as someone to be shunned in my family. And, when I turned fifteen and realized that I could chose my own fate, I absolutely could make my own damn decisions and take my life in whatever direction I wanted to, they hated me even more. I’m not a proper woman. I’m not normal to them.

Sadly, I wasn’t (and still am rather not) considered normal by my peers. My classmates hated me for my bookishness as well, but for different reasons than my family. They hated me because I was nerdy. Reading was weird. I was weird. All of my elementary school years were spent being the only bookworm. Then, in middle school, I met someone who enjoyed reading! I was elated at first, but then became heartbroken when I saw that she wasn’t like me. Yes, she liked reading, but she didn’t read every day like I did. She didn’t start and finish books in a day. She didn’t have the same wanderlust I did, the same sense of wanting more out of life. From the very beginnings of my youth, I have been alone in this regard.

It got worse for me.

In my early teenage years, I was embracing western ideals, determined to become normal. Unfortunately, something happened to me which stunted my emotional growth: I was beaten and molested by a group of boys at school. They were all several years older than me, but in the same grade as me because they had been held back several times. Taller, bigger, stronger. They caught me after school and didn’t hold back.

I was irrevocably changed.

Of course, the event made me even “weirder”. I – an already isolated young woman – became even more of a hermit. I couldn’t stand being in crowds or crowded places. I loathed being touched. I constantly picked at my skin because I felt dirty. I had open sores on my arms, hands and face because I would keep my nails long and sharp and tug and dig and peel away at the skin far past the point of having blood-drenched fingers.

Even before this, I was teased by my peers, told by my family, that I was/am rather ugly. After the event, when I began picking at my skin and eating to cope with the stress, the teasing and cruel remarks only got worse.

I remember bending over to pick up a book I had dropped, and boys pointing and laughing at me. One was making a gagging sounds, pretending he was throwing up. Another was covering his eyes, opening them for a split second, then screaming as if the sight of me caused him pain.

I remember another time, where two boys were saying something about ugly girls needing photoshop. I turned around. They immediately started laughing and ribbing each other.

My family told me I’d be prettier if I straightened my hair. Curly hair is wild and ugly. I’m wild and ugly.

My own mother once told me that I was too ugly to be her daughter. She was also fond of telling me that I was so fat that no one would ever want or love me. “No man is ever going to marry you!”

More than once, teenage boys asked me out as a joke.

I remember going to school once with my hair down. I was always being told how ugly my curls were, but for once I was trying to embrace them. Accept them. It was going well, until someone decided to play with hair and then tell me that my hair was really ugly when he pulled the curl down and watched it bounce back. I went back to ponytails and buns the day after.

My aunt said to me, verbatim, “Your lips are really fat. Especially you’re bottom lip; it’s huge. It’s ugly.”

Despite all this, I’ve tried really hard to be a good person. To be steadfast in my scruples. To have honor and integrity and to do right by others. I’ve tried so hard to be good to other people, to be the kindness that was denied me in my youth.

I have had my efforts shat on.

They’ve been utterly worthless. People are still cruel to me. People still treat me terribly. I’m actually sitting here crying because this question has been bothering me for so long. What is it about me that just makes me so hate-able? Why is it so easy for people to be cruel to me, to hate me and treat me like I’m worthless?

About ten months ago, I got a new job. Almost right from the beginning, my coworkers were absolutely, utterly, heartlessly cruel to me. They hurt me, they hurt me deeply and I can’t move past it. I don’t know why people hate me enough to be like this to me, when all I try to do is be kind and considerate.

They actively excluded me. The three of them would have conversations among each other in Spanish; they know I can’t speak Spanish. Even when they spoke in English, if I tried to join in, they would just ignore me or roll their eyes at me. They were incredibly hostile to me and spoke down to me as if I was stupid, an idiot, beneath them. One of them was fond of screaming and yelling at me. Even if I wasn’t doing something wrong, as long as I wasn’t doing it exactly how she’d do it, I’d get yelled at. The other two didn’t say anything to her. They heard and saw everything but they didn’t care.

I have difficulty hearing. They know this, and yet still they would get angry at me, yell and roll their eyes at me if I didn’t hear them, or asked them to repeat themselves. Once, the same woman I mentioned earlier even scoffed and laughed at me, rolling her eyes at me as she did so. I also have a bad memory from brain damage from the event, and sometimes forgot what I was doing in the midst of doing it. Or forgot where I was heading. They gave me hell for that as well. They thought, because of my bad memory, that I was an idiot. And they thought that me being an idiot made it okay to treat me like I wasn’t a person.

They made me feel like I was worthless. Like I was nothing. They held me to a different standard, an unfair one. They would sit down doing nothing for the majority of the day. They would blatantly be on their phones or surfing Amazon or Facebook. But god forbid if I sit down to write something. No, I should’ve been doing that outside of the office! It’s a capital punishment for me to bring out my phone. How dare I make a mistake, or question them, or break a rule that they consistently and constantly break throughout the day.

It got so bad one day, them screaming and yelling at me, laughing at me, talking down to me, acting as if I was subhuman, that I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I cried. I cried and I couldn’t stop and it just kept coming. I quite literally cried for the last two hours of my shift. I tried so desperately to stop; it’s shameful. No one wants to be seen crying like that, or at all, at work. It’s unprofessional. It makes me weak.

Believe me, I’m not a sensitive person. I don’t cry very easily. And believe me, I tried with all my will to stop.

But I couldn’t.

I just kept crying and crying, so much so that I found it hard to breathe, hard to see without wiping at my eyes every few seconds. Two of them ignored me, pretending it wasn’t happening. The other one acted concerned. Asked me what was wrong. Asked me if something bad happened to my father (my father’s been having health problems for years now, and by this time has been living in a hospice). All I would say was that I was okay. I, obviously, didn’t want to say anything.

I few days later, I felt the need to “explain” myself. I told them about the reason for my memory problems. Ever since then two of them have been cordial to me, polite. Sometimes nice. The other always looks at me with something in his eyes that I can’t describe. I don’t know what to call it. I’d like to think it’s sorrow, or shame, but honestly? I can’t tell. He doesn’t even look at me that much anymore. What little communication we had at all has dwindled to practically nothing. If he has to speak to me, he makes sure to look at anywhere but me. He refuses to look me in the eye.

It bothers me immensely. It shouldn’t, but it does. He went from speaking harshly to me, yelling at me, to saying nothing at all. Looking at me with anger and hatred in his eyes to something… which I simply have no words for. If he even has the courage to look at me at all. Goodness, I mean, just a few days ago we were working alone in the office. My other two coworkers called out. He quite literally did not speak to me once all day, except to tell me to take my lunch. And, true to fashion, when he said, “X, take you’re lunch after you finish this.” he said it without even looking in my direction. Even at the end of the day, when he needed me to sign off on some papers, instead of asking me, he just left them on my desk. Didn’t acknowledge me at all.

I don’t know why people treat me like this. I just don’t understand. Once, maybe three or four months after my getting hired on, the coworker who was especially fond of rolling her eyes at me was crying at her desk. I found her there, and I gave her a hug and told her she could come to me any time to talk if she needed to. I remember that, in the split second after I saw her crying, but before I made the decision to give her a hug and some kind words, I told myself to ignore her. To be unkind and not to try to help, because she’d been a downright cunt to me nearly every single day since I’d started. Almost immediately, I admonished myself. I was ashamed at myself. It’s wrong to treat someone badly. Kindness is a virtue. Be good to people. I should’ve listened to my initial instinct. I was wrong. Being kind is not a good thing. Within a few days she was back to yelling and screaming and treating me like shit.

I just don’t understand why my life has to be like this. It seems like I’m meant for sorrow, destined for unhappiness. All my life I’ve been told that I’m ugly, that I’m too smart or too dumb, that I’m not right for anything or anyone. I’ve always felt out of place, never belonging to anyone. I’m a stranger to myself. I want to be normal. I want people to be kind to me, like I am to them. I wish that just once, things would go nicely for me.

I tried to have hope. I tried to believe that it gets better for people like me. Maybe I was an ugly duckling who would become a beautiful adult. Maybe I’d learn to enjoy hugs again, or stop tensing up whenever someone is walking behind me. I tried to change. To make myself prettier, to make myself normal.

But I’ve lost that. In these past months my morale has withered away into nothingness. I feel as if there is a void where my emotional strength should be. I have no self-efficacy. I worked so hard to make myself believe that I could succeed and become someone of worth, of importance. But my time at this job has had me reflecting on the past, and remembering events that I’d rather not remember. Now, every time I go to work, I hear a voice whispering in my head, saying, “They know, they know! They know what happened to you!” I hate people knowing about the event, but they forced my hand. I had to tell them. I hate that so much. I despise it. They even had the gall to blame me for not telling them. “You should’ve said something!” “You should’ve told us when you were first hired!”

My favorite poem is Invictus by William Ernest Henley. I know the entire poem by heart. I would recite it to myself whenever I felt weak, whenever I felt like I couldn’t keep going. Now, all I can bring myself to recite is Eliot.

Truly, the sea is barren.

0 notes

9r7g5h · 8 years ago

Text

Facing the Minotaur - P12

Fandom: Xena: Warrior Princess

Rating: T

Genre: Action/Adventure

Summary: When the Queen of Crete goes missing, it’s up to Xena and Gabrielle to save her. But when that means delving into the depths of the Labyrinth, can they even save themselves?

Words: 4,924

AN: And I completely forgot yesterday was Friday. Opps. Sorry about that! But here's chapter 12, so hopefully you all like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Xena.

P1, P2, P3, P4, P5, P6, P7, P8, P9, P10, P11, P12, P13, P14

The sun was warm, beautiful and bright- a nice change from the constant chill that had been falling each early afternoon, the high sun unable to drive away the cold that had been following them recently. It was just warm enough to kiss the skin, comfortably heating instead of burning. The light breeze sent the water rippling, just lapping at the shore.

Laid out as she was on the rug, her nearby bucket full of fish, toes slowly kneading the sand, for a moment, Xena was confused. Confused as to how she got there, when she had arrived, and why she was falling asleep instead of continuing to fish. There was a full inn she had to feed tonight- their stop at Cyrene’s hadn’t been planned, and since business had been busy just a few days before, she hadn’t had time to run out and restock the stores, planning on doing it in the next day or two when the fresh stuff came in. Xena had agreed to go fishing while everyone else had run off to the market, hoping to find something edible amongst the week old fruit and vegetables that were still available, though their luck would probably be slim. So dinner would most certainly be fish.

But even knowing that hungry mouths waited for her at home, Xena couldn’t bring herself to move. She was warm, comfortable…at peace.

Even if she was still a bit confused. Last she remembered, they had been heading towards the ocean, for a boat to…to where, she couldn’t remember. Somewhere that needed their help. Somewhere that…

“Xena,” a voice called out, breaking her train of thought. “Hey, Xena, are you awake down there?”

“Maybe,” she called back, her voice half muffled from the yawn that broke from her, her hand coming up to rub at her eyes. Sleep still laid heavily upon them, though she was slowly becoming more and more aware of her surroundings. And her confusion was slowly clearly up as well, the longer she was awake- they had been heading towards the sea, to take a boat to…somewhere, but had received a message, asking them to come to Amphipolis instead. Bandits and warlords had taken up nearby, and while they hadn’t been a direct threat at the time, they had changed course and gone straight there. Better to be safe than sorry.

“’Maybe’ must mean yes, if you can say it,” the voice teased, coming closer with every step. She could hear the steps now, the heavy fall of boot on the border between forest and lake, the sandy grass giving a particular crunch to their walk. Though, no matter what they walked over, Xena recognized them, recognized the fall of their feet as they made their way down to the shore, until they were standing over her, blocking the sun.

How could she not recognize her baby brother?

“Maybe I’m sleep talking,” Xena replied, opening one eye just a bit so she could look up at Lyceus, slowly allowing the light that filtered around him to bring her fully back to the land of the living, leaving Morpheus’ realm for later. “It’s common enough, especially with this family.”

“Ha ha,” Lyceus said sarcastically, rolling his eyes before nudging her shoulder with the toe of his boot. “That was one time, and I still don’t believe it actually happened. Pretty sure you and Toris are messing with me.”

“I wish,” Xena said, groaning softly as she pushed herself upward, stretching out her back and her shoulders. Sitting there for a moment, she watched as Lyceus turned to look into the fish bucket before continuing, pitching her voice upward in a poor imitation of her brothers’. “Oh, Hercules, when did you arrive? You’re so strong. Lets’ be the best of friends.” She burst into giggles when Lyceus turned to glare at her, his cheeks flaming red at her play, though he soon fell into chuckling with her, shaking his head at her teasing. Raising an eyebrow, he crossed his arms, giving her that look of his that let her know she had it coming.

“I might sleep talk,” Lyceus replied, “but at least I didn’t propose to my wife mostly drunk in front of my army and start crying when she said yes like someone did, oh miss Warrior Princess.” He gave a mocking bow before her, barely able to keep a straight face as she threw a handful of sand his way. Dodging, he shook out the little bits that had gotten caught in his hair and stuck out his tongue, a childish move he had never grown out of.

“Well, at least I have a wife,” Xena replied, finally standing, coming up to her full height so she towered over him- he had always been short, even after his growth spurts had finished, another thing she never missed an opportunity to give him grief about. “And maybe one day, when you’re all grown up, you can have one too.” She ruffled his hair, laughing when he batted her hand away, before ducking down to pick up the fish bucket and rug. “Let’s get going,” she finally said, jerking her head back towards town. “We’ve got a family to feed.”

Taking the rug from her, slipping it over his shoulder, Lyceus saluted her before turning and running off, sliding slightly in the slick sand as he did.

He’d make a good soldier, if he ever decided to pick up a sword. Though, that was what she and her army were there for- to make sure ordinary people like him never had to.

They’d started out small, just a handful of men from her village and herself, the few who had stayed and driven away Cortes when he had tried to attack, all those years ago. Realizing they worked well together, their little troupe had traveled from village to village, gathering forces, training anyone who wanted to learn in the ways of war, setting up defenses and leaving the people with the knowledge of how to better them. Funded by their own talents, fed by their own skills at hunting, they had traveled the countryside, wiping out warlords and corrupt kings alike, bringing almost complete peace and order one town at a time.

And when, after months of this, it seemed like Greece was on a better path (no one had dared to stand up to her, and those she had become allies with had promised to watch over the country while she was gone), she had taken to the sea. Taken to new lands, to bring the same peace and safety to them that Greece now felt.

It was overseas, in Chin, that she earned the title of Warrior Princess, that she was given the honor by the new Empress Lao Ma, after the old system had fallen around the old official’s ears- helped, of course, by her and her men. She became comrades with Rome, a friend to the people of Japa, had even earned the honorary title of Valkyrie from the people in the North. She sided with Queen Boudica and earned a lifelong friend, and even became a favorite of the gods (not with Ares, no, for she was stopping more wars than she began, but many others showed her their favor).

For ten years she had done this, for ten years she had traveled the world, routing out evil and despair wherever it had found a hold, known to all as either the ‘Warrior Princess’ or ‘Builder of Nations,’ until it was time for her to come home.

And on that journey home had been when she had met Gabrielle, had managed to be in the right place at the right time to save her and her friends from a desperate group of bandits, and so had finally met her heart.

Not that she had known it, at the time. It had taken years of traveling together, both by themselves whenever Xena needed a break from leading her army (when she would leave it in Marcus’ capable hands) and with everyone else, the two of them part of the thousands who had dedicated their lives to making sure the world was a better place. Years of friendship, of learning about each other’s past and their hopes for the future and dreams and fears, friendship that had slowly turned into more- something even her men had taken great interest in, because while she had been in love with others throughout the years, one of her affairs even resulting in young Solan (who, even at the tender age of ten, had still been one of her best ambassadors. The result of him being raised by the centaurs she had befriended during her early journeys, allowing Solan to be raised in politics instead of having to pick it up on his own like she had had to do), this was something different.

This was the kind of love sung about in stories, the once in a thousand lifetimes connection that would shake the heavens and shame Aphrodite herself for the poor imitation she created. Something that was obvious to everyone. Except, of course, them.

Until it was almost too late, until she almost lost Gabrielle to another, and it was only a stroke of fate (and Gabrielle’s cold feet, leaving her unable to go through with the wedding) that gave her the second chance she needed. The second chance she had taken, allowing her to woo Gabrielle and be wooed in turned, for apparently Gabrielle did and always had returned her affections, leading to the public declaration of love and request for marriage a few months later.

Though she hadn’t been that drunk. A drink or two (or five) among her most trusted men to boost her courage, and besides, who wouldn’t cry at the fact that the woman they loved agreed to be theirs?

It didn’t take them long to reach the inn, though part of Xena couldn’t help but feel like it should have been longer. The lake was closer than she remembered, a pleasant stroll instead of a close to demanding hike…but it had been a while since she had been home. Perhaps that was just youth talking, for any large distance for a child was small for someone who had traveled the entire known world. Besides, with it such a pleasant day, it was more than possible that she had just lost track of time.

She seemed to be doing that a lot, lately.

Not that she could really think about it much, for as she passed under the old tree that lined the pathway back to the inn, she heard him.

A creaking branch as he shifted his weight, a stifled giggle- just enough of a warning to get her into position, the fish bucket falling safely to her feet as Solan dropped from the branches, landing on her back. She staggered for a moment- she almost made a remark that fifteen was too old and too heavy to be dropping onto her like this- but she quickly regained her footing, hiking his legs further up around her waist as he settled his arms better around her shoulders for the ride.

“Hey Mom,” Solan said, leaning around to place a kiss against her cheek; a scratchy one, the beginnings of a beard rubbing against her skin. “Have fun fishing?”

“More than usual, but not as much as some,” Xena replied honestly, dipping down so Solan could catch the handle of the bucket, bringing it with them as she began to walk once again. “It’s the strangest thing though,” she admitted after a moment- who better to talk to then her own son? “I don’t remember catching the fish. Just woke up with them already caught.”

Solan was quiet for a few moments as they moved, eventually sliding off her back as they reached the steps leading into the inn. Stepping up one higher than hers, he pressed the back of his hand against her forehead, the look on his face becoming contemplative for a few moments before he pulled away. “Too much sun,” he finally declared, nodding firmly. “That,” he added with a sly look, “or Gabrielle’s right, and you’re just getting old.”

“I am not,” Xena replied with an indignant huff, snatching the bucket of fish from his hand and stalking past him on the stairs. “And the next person who says so is in deep trouble.”

“Do you mean it?”

Xena paused in the doorway as Gabrielle’s voice reached her, as she watched her rise from the table where she had been peeling apples and come to stand before her. She was smiling that soft, gentle smile of hers- one of the first things Xena had fallen in love with, that smile- as she gazed up at Xena, waiting for her response, a devious glint in her gaze that didn’t match with the rest of her. A glint that Xena recognized, that sent heat to the pit of her stomach as she recognized the question within the question.

“I could,” Xena said casually, raising an eyebrow. “Do you want me to?”

“Maybe,” was all she got in return, Gabrielle winking up at her. Reaching up, Gabrielle gently ran her finger over Xena’s lip, leaving behind a trail of apple juice- sweet, sticky, the movement promising more to come, a taste Xena made clear she desired with a nip as Gabrielle pulled her hand away. “Could be fun, being in trouble with you. Depends on the punishment you have in mind.”

“I have a lot in mind,” Xena said, her voice a low growl. “Depends on how much trouble you want. Mind filling me in?”

“And this is getting gross,” Solan said from behind them, his face twisted in disgust, his nose wrinkling as he walked past them. Taking the bucket from Xena, he dodged when she swiped at his head, sticking out his tongue when he was out of reach- just like his uncle. “Come on,” he added, rolling his eyes, “what kid wants to see his moms have eye sex and verbal forepaly? I’ll be in the kitchen with Grandma until you two are decent again. Or dinner’s ready.”

“By the gods,” Gabrielle muttered as Solan disappeared, her face flushed red, “you should have told me he was there.” She shifted, clearly uncomfortable- Gabrielle had spent the last few years toeing the fine line with Solan between his friend and his stepmother, and while the two got along fine, it could still be awkward at times.

Not that Xena cared at the moment. She loved them both, glad that their relationship with each other was what it was, but at the moment? At the moment she wished they were anywhere else, even in her tent in the middle of her camp, because then they’d be alone.

“Figured you knew, since you responded,” Xena pointed out, though she didn’t give Gabrielle long to think on that. Instead she bent her head, trailing her lips along the side of her jaw, leaving light kisses and nips as she worked her way up to whisper in her ear. “How about we head to our room,” she offered, her hands coming to rest on Gabrielle’s hips, the end of each sentence punctuated by a kiss against her jaw or neck. “Or to the barn. Or back by the lake, I’m not picky.”

“Or,” Gabrielle said, giggling as she wiggled away, “we wait until after the ceremony and dinner, and then go wherever we want?”

“The ceremony?” For some reason, Xena couldn’t remember. What the ceremony was for, what it was supposed to be. She stood there for a long moment, thinking, trying to remember…but nothing. Like Solan had said, she had gotten far too much sun, and her head was fuzzy for it.

“Yeah, you know, the sacrifice? The cow and the lamb?” Gabrielle gave her a strange look, concern passing across her face when Xena gave no sign of recognition. “To the gods.”

“Which one?” She was the beloved of many gods, had earned that place over the years she had fought to make the world a better place, but when had she ever sacrificed something to them? She had made many offerings, of course, over the years- to Athena for wisdom, to Hera before the wedding, to Aphrodite to bless her chances at winning Gabrielle. To Zeus for fair weather and Poseidon for safe passage over sea, and to Hades for the men she lost in battle. But those were offerings, small gifts of flowers or fish or stones. With food scarce and never much money, almost all of it put into the upkeep of her army, when had she ever done an official, costly sacrifice…

“To the gods,” Gabrielle said with a shrug, as if the information Xena was asking her for wasn’t important. “All of them. Just, the gods in general.”

That…that didn’t seem right. The gods each had their likes, their own rituals and observants that needed to be followed, lest you gained their wrath. To have a single sacrifice, to lump them all together, that was sure to-

“You’re sick, Xena,” Gabrielle spoke up, cutting through the haze of thoughts that clouded her mind. “You’re not well. You will be soon, after the sacrifice. I promise.” And as if to seal that promise, make it binding and true, Gabrielle stood on the tips of her toes and pressed a kiss to Xena’s lips, holding it as she waited for Xena to respond.

It felt…wrong.

She remembered kissing Gabrielle, kissing her what must have been a hundred, a thousand times by now. And before she had always been warm. Warm and welcoming, her every touch a physical manifestation of her love. Kissing Gabrielle was intoxicating, addicting, leaving her wanting more and more even as she struggled to breathe. She could give up anything in the world and be able to survive, but to stop kissing Gabrielle? That would surely kill her.

But this was wrong. She was cold, cold and hard as stone, and the moment their lips touched, a shiver trailed down her spine, a shiver of fear as she tasted death upon her tongue. As she breathed in the same air Gabrielle was breathing and felt sick as it entered her lungs, her entire being trembling as she finally pulled away, because this wasn’t right. This was wrong, somehow entirely wrong, because this was nothing like any of the other times she had kissed Gabrielle. She was lacking the warmth from before, that had always been present, when she kissed her at their wedding, when she kissed her after they had officially begun courting, when Gabrielle had kissed her after she had been bitten by the hydra, when-

When had Gabrielle ever been near a hydra?

And just as suddenly as it had come it was gone, whatever it was that had left her pale and shaking, Gabrielle staring at her with concern as she grabbed hold of her arm, gently leading her to a chair. “Something’s not right,” Xena mumbled as she allowed herself to be pulled, mechanically taking the cup of water Gabrielle offered her a moment later. “Something’s…”

“You got too much sun while you were fishing,” Gabrielle said, scoldingly, shaking her head as she used a cloth to wipe the sweat from Xena’s brow. “You shouldn’t have fallen asleep like that. Just stay awake until after the ceremony, and then you can rest. Alright?”

And once again she was warm- warm in her hands as she tenderly wiped the cloth across her face and down her neck, replacing sweat with cleansing water; warm in her eyes, worried though they were, as they watched her face for any reaction; warm in every way Gabrielle ever had been.

Except to know for sure, Xena would have to kiss her again, to truly see if it was the sun that had made her feel cold, and she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Something within her was telling her to run, to flee from the loving touch of her wife, to escape to…somewhere she didn’t know, but just something was telling her to go, now, before it was too late because-

How did Gabrielle know she’d fallen asleep?

It was too much. Shaking her head, Xena quickly drained the cup of water, the sweet coolness helping to drive back some of the heat still clinging to her, though it did nothing to help soothe the chill in her bones. Pushing herself to her feet, she wavered for a moment, stumbling slightly as she tried to walk, only to have find herself sitting once more, at a table a few feet away from where she had started, Gabrielle kneeling by her side. Kneeling by her side and calling for the others, Cyrene and Solan and Toris trailing out from the kitchen.

“You don’t look so good, sis,” Toris said, hunching over so he could examine her. Vaguely, Xena recognized that she should relax- Toris was a doctor, he knew what he was doing, and so she should just let him do what he needed to.

But still she shied away at his touch, hunching over in the chair instead as she tried to calm the pounding in her head, the painful pressure right behind her eyes that wouldn’t go away. She flinched as hands landed upon her back and shoulders, but otherwise didn’t move much- the hands were warm, comforting, the pressure as fingers found the knots in her back and slowly worked them out one by one helping to drain, little by little, the tension from her neck. After a while it helped, the pain in her head fading by degrees, though not by much.

“We need to get going.” She was barely aware of the speaker (Cyrene, maybe, though she could have sworn that it was her mother rubbing her back. If that was so, then how was she speaking from the other side of the room?), but did notice when hands hooked under her arms, hauling her to her feet and keeping her there, holding her steady as she found her balance.

“Sorry Mom,” Solan said apologetically, stepping forward with another cup of water. Leaning on who she recognized as Lyceus, Xena took and drained it quickly, hoping that more would help. And it did, slightly, leaving her a little bit more steady, a little bit stronger, a little bit more clear headed, though not by much.

It was enough for her to stand on her own, though Toris and Lyceus stayed close. Close enough to brush their hands against her arms, keeping her steady as she moved when prompted, following after Cyrene and Gabrielle and Solan as the three led the way out of the inn. Out the inn, down the stairs, around back to the barn yard she hadn’t thought much about in quite a while- they had sold the cows and sheep after her father had died three years ago, keeping only the easily cared for chickens. They were easier for Cyrene to manage on her own, though she did miss the free milk.

Not that Xena could think about such trivial things, because she actually started to laugh as the yard came into view, showing her the creatures lined up to be sacrificed.

Because while the black cow was standard affair, she was stunned that they had actually managed to find a golden lamb.

Not truly golden, she realized as they walked closer, though from a distance the reddish blonde of the fur could have passed as gold. It was a beautiful creature; clearly the creation of a long line of well-planned breeding to create such an even color, the pet project of someone with a lot of time, money, and energy on their hands. And it had the weirdest eyes as well- a delightful green, even dulled as they were with the drugs that kept the animals calm.

It was almost a shame, to sacrifice such a beautiful creature. It was a shame, in fact, one Xena made a split decision on.

“Is there another sheep we could use,” she asked, turning to look at her family. Nodding her head towards the one still standing there (still, so still. A result of the drugs, but even then, it was off putting at least…), Xena addressed Cyrene and smiled. “Give her another year or two, and if you can find a similarly colored stud, we could breed you a whole herd of sheep as pretty as her.”

“I’m not a shepherd,” Cyrene laughed, shaking her head at her daughter’s suggestion. “I can barely keep up with the chickens, much less a herd of sheep. No, Xena,” she finished with a sigh, wiping away a bit of moisture from her eyes, “this is the one. It has to be these two.”

For a moment she wanted to protest some more: it just seemed wrong, killing such a pretty little thing, but the moment she opened her mouth she wavered, the throb behind her eyes, momentarily driven back, returning with full force. She held up her hand when the others stepped forward- it was only a momentary throb, just a warning from her body that standing around and arguing wasn’t going to help anything. All she wanted to do was lay down and rest, wait out whatever was causing her pain, maybe get some sleep.

And besides, what did one lamb really matter? There were probably hundreds out there exactly like her, and Xena just hadn’t seen them yet. She’d fine another, exactly like her, one day.

“Xena.” It was Gabrielle, at her side with the chakram in hand, holding it out for her to take. For a moment Xena could have sworn that the hoop had ben clipped to her belt, but quickly shook away the fog that came with the question; she must have taken it off before going fishing and left it behind. Taking the chakram from Gabrielle, she smiled in thanks and nodded, moving so she was standing beside the lamb.

Better to just get it over with, and the sooner the cow and lamb were dead, the sooner she could feel better.

Kneeling down, once again Xena couldn’t help but be surprised at how still the animal was. The effect of the drugs, she knew, but it hadn’t even twitched the entire time they had been there. Not even a reaction when she had approached it with the sharp steel in hand, its gaze still staring off into the distance, as if it was deeply lost in thought. Even under the glaze, there was almost something intelligent in the green stare, something Xena was curious to understand, even if she knew it was folly.

It was just a lamb.

Delaying a moment longer, she ran her hands through its fleece- it was surprisingly fine, more like hair than wool, nothing that would be good to weave or turn into any sort of cloth. The strands would never catch, and would fall apart before it could be used. But there was something…soothing about running her hands through its fleece, something familiar about her fingers tangling in the strands. Something she just couldn’t place her fingers on…

“Xena,” Gabrielle said, this time her voice almost demanding. It was harsh, at least, harsh and clipped as she spoke. It took a long moment to turn towards her, Xena’s gaze almost unwilling to leave the lamb, but eventually she turned to face her wife. “Xena,” Gabrielle said again, her voice kinder. “It’s quicker if you just get it over with. Like killing a fish.”

Nodding, slightly ashamed of her behavior, Xena wrapped one arm around the lamb’s head, drawing it against her chest so it wouldn’t move, though she doubted if it even could, drugged as it was. Placing her chakram against its neck, she pressed in, ever so slightly, just enough to knick the skin and begin the cut that would end this, a slight trail of blood tricking down its neck. Glancing up, Xena smiled at her watching family, all of them waiting excitedly for the sacrifice to be done.

Including, Xena realized with a rolling stomach, Gabrielle. Gabrielle, who wouldn’t even look at a rabbit until after it had been skinned, who wouldn’t eat a fish if it still had eyes, who had never harmed a single thing in her life.

Except she had. Gabrielle had, in that gods’ damned temple, believing she was protecting a friend. Gabrielle had, when she had handed over that poisoned waterskin to her child, to end her darkness and get revenge for the death of Solan- Solan who was standing right there before her, smiling that soft smile of his that was so clearly her own, but through the pounding headache and the fog in her mind she remembered different, remembered him as younger and pale and cold and still in her arms, his chest colored red. Gabrielle fighting with a staff to protect her, to make sure she could be laid to rest next to her brother; a brother still alive, standing before her, just waiting for the blood to spill so the ceremony could be over.

Gritting her teeth against the pain, against the pounding throb right behind her eyes that made every thought difficult to understand, Xena, desperate for it to stop, pressed her chakram hard against skin and yanked, the tang of blood filling her nose as it spilt until the ground.

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