#and the animation slapped I had to stop myself from rewinding so much

[nyam]

My biggest regret: not watching Spiderverse sooner

[sisterspooky1013]

Only One Choice, Part 2, Chapter 9

Read it here on AO3 / Tagging @today-in-fic

When she wakes, she momentarily can’t place where she is. The room is dim and there’s a soft whirring sound, a warm body tucked close against her back. Mulder’s apartment, she remembers. They’d decided to make it a double feature, collecting their clothes and switching out Mars Attacks for Twister. She must have drifted off at some point, with Mulder spooning her on the narrow couch, and the automatic rewind on the VCR kicked on when the movie ended. She pulls in a deep breath and his arm around her waist tightens momentarily.

“Stay,” he croaks from behind her, sounding as though he had also fallen asleep.

“I can’t, Mulder,” she replies, twisting her body around to face him, her nose pressed into his chest.

“Why?” he asks, brushing his palm up and down over her back.

“Because, I shouldn’t.” She knows her tone isn’t all that convincing.

“Says who?” he asks, though not indignantly.

“Says…I don’t know. Me, I guess,” she replies in a defeated tone.

He sighs, then pauses to consider his words.

“I don’t want to pressure you. But the idea of not seeing you again for a week kind of makes me want to die.” His words are soft and measured, communicating honesty, not frustration.

“That’s very dramatic,” she answers with a teasing lilt.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m pathetic.”

She worms up until she’s close enough to kiss him, pressing her lips to his cheek and then his mouth.

“You’re not pathetic,” she says tenderly, “you’re actually very sweet. I’ll make you a deal; I’m not going to stay the night,” she quirks a smile at his dramatic frown, “but we can get dinner tomorrow, and if you want to have coffee one day this week, you can come down.” She gives him a hopeful smile.

“That seems like a fair deal,” he says, kissing her forehead. “But if you get home, or wake up in the middle of the night, and realize you’ve made a horrible mistake, just call me. I’ll come right over.”

“I promise I will,” she says, then disentangles herself from his arms and collects her purse and shoes. She says goodbye to Priscilla, then bids a very long and very kiss-filled goodbye to Mulder before he finally releases his grip on her. As she waits for the elevator she hears the patter of his bare feet on the hallway floor and turns to see him skittering towards her, pulling her into one last kiss before he runs back to his apartment door, waving at her with a coy little smile.

Once she’s buckled into her car, she lets out a deep breath. She’d barely made it out of there; if Mulder had asked one more time, kissed her once more on the couch, she might have caved. Might have stayed the night, and might have done who knows what else. She can easily see the strong potential for this budding relationship to fast track to being more serious than she feels ready for, and it scares her. She’s never felt this strongly about anyone so soon after becoming involved with them. Clearly he has a strong pull on her, given that she cheated on Ethan with him, it’s just a lot, and she’s a person who likes to think clearly and make rational decisions. When she’s with Mulder, she loses the ability to think rationally.

When she’s home and tucked into bed, she does wish he were there, curled up behind her. Knowing she could call him and he’d be here in fifteen minutes is tempting, but she talks herself out of it. Not yet, not until she’s sure that this is more than just animal attraction. More than wanting to prove she didn’t destroy her relationship with Ethan over nothing.

It has to be more. And she suspects that it will be.

———

“Okay, spill it,” Missy says, and Dana looks at her with a mildly shocked expression, not even having fully taken her seat at the cafe with a mocha in hand before Missy gets down to business.

“Hello to you, too, Missy. How was your evening?” she asks her sister with a facetious tone.

“I hung around by myself and wondered what kind of action my little sister was getting that I wasn’t, so please, indulge me.”

Dana laughs and shakes her head, debating how much detail to give.

“It was nice, we just watched a couple movies, ate pizza, drank beer.”

“...and?” Missy asks expectantly.

“...and, we watched Mars Attacks and Twister,” Dana answers, knowing that this is not the information Missy is asking for.

Missy drops her head to the side with a frustrated glare. “Dana, quit being a prude, or I’ll just make up my own story and tell it to you right here in the coffee shop, I know you’d love that.”

Dana makes a face. “Okay, fine. Yes, we...fooled around. But we didn’t have sex.”

“Really, why not?” Missy questions incredulously.

“Missy, it’s not that abnormal not to sleep with someone on the second date,” Dana retorts with an annoyed tone.

“It is if they’ve already gone down on you and you’ve been obsessing over them for almost a year,” Missy shoots back.

“Well, regardless of your unsolicited opinion,” Dana replies, “emphasis on unsolicited, I’m choosing to wait a bit, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Fine, whatever floats your boat, Sis. Please elaborate on ‘fooled around’.”

Dana scoffs. “We...kissed, and some other things. Why are you asking for all this detail, Missy? I don’t recall you ever asking me to be this explicit regarding my sex life with Ethan.”

Missy rolls her eyes. “I’m willing to bet Ethan was into missionary with the lights off. This Mulder guy has serious sexual energy, he seems like the kind of man who knows what he’s doing. When’s his birthday?”

Scully frowns at the memory. “October 13th,” she answers flatly.

Missy shoots her a surprised expression, but suppresses it quickly. “Oh, wow, okay. Um, so he’s a libra. That’s a good thing, libras are very generous lovers.”

“I have seen evidence of that, however my pants stayed on last night so nothing to report in that respect,” Dana answers, taking a sip of her coffee to avoid looking at her sister.

“But his didn’t?” Missy asks with a smirk, and Dana purses her lips but doesn’t respond. It’s as good as saying yes.

“Dana Katherine Scully,” Missy teases with a knowing smile. “Some things never change.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Dana asks defensively.

“Oh please, Dana, we went to the same school, you don’t think I heard the story about you and Marcus behind the gymnasium?”

Dana’s mouth hangs open in shock.

“Well, I hope he enjoyed his favor being reciprocated nine months later,” Missy continues, then adds “did you swallow?”

Her mouth drops open wider and she slaps Missy gently on the upper arm. “Melissa, don’t be gross!”

Missy is giggling and swatting her away. “You know what Dad always said, Dana, ‘a Scully sees it through to the end!’” She crosses her arms over her face in self-defense as Dana peppers her with little slaps, though they’re both laughing.

Finally, the tittering subsides and they are both back in their respective seats, catching their breath.

“So when are you seeing him again?” Missy asks, tucking her feet underneath her legs.

“Tonight, actually.” Dana answers self-consciously.

“Oh really? So soon?”

“Well he practically begged me to stay the night and said he didn’t want to wait until next weekend, so it was somewhat of a compromise,” Dana answers, the arrangement sounding like a red flag to her own ears.

“Dang, he’s got it bad,” Missy remarks with a little frown. “Is it too much? Are you doing that thing?”

“What thing?” Dana asks defensively.

“That thing where you get overwhelmed when someone is really interested in you and you sabotage it?” Missy ventures.

Dana furrows her eyebrows. “I don’t do that,” she says, but her tone suggests that she may not believe herself. “I just don’t want to get all caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and not look at things objectively,” she finishes.

“You know,” Missy says helpfully, “that exciting new relationship, not thinking clearly, crazy in love feeling is something most people like, Sis.”

Dana shrugs. “You know me,” she says plainly, “I’m not really one for excitement.”

“I have a sneaking suspicion that Mulder is going to put that to the test,” Missy retorts with a smile, and Dana cringes.

“I think you may be right.”

———

Her demeanor when he picks her up for dinner seems just a bit guarded and is markedly different than it had been when they parted ways last night. He brushes it off, figuring that things between them are still new and awkward, and recognizing that he’s probably coming on just a little too strong.

The day has been grey and cool, and she’s wearing jeans and an oversized blue sweater, her hair pulled half up into a little bun. He smiles warmly at her, but stops short of telling her how amazing she looks, sensing that she might not want to hear it. They make their way to a little Mexican place near her house and she is polite but quiet as they order, munching on chips and salsa with a pensive expression.

“Are you okay?” he asks cautiously, and she nods. “I’m freaking you out, aren’t I?” he adds, and she shakes her head gently, but looks at him with wide eyes from beneath her lashes, and he knows it’s true.

He sits back, running his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Is it the sex part or the feelings part?” he questions, and when her eyebrows lift in surprise he suggests “Both?”

She laughs softly and shakes her head. “It’s really not you, Mulder, it’s me. I’m just not very comfortable with the whole,” she swirls her wrist around in the air, “whirlwind feeling, when things are new.”

He leans forward on his elbows and looks at her seriously. “Tell me what you need me to do differently, Scully, and I promise I’ll do it.”

“Maybe just...don’t act as though I hung the moon?” she offers with a pained expression. “I’m just a human person like anyone else, faults and all. It makes me worry that when you really get to know me you won’t like what you find.”

He gives her an amused smirk. “At the risk of further idolizing you, what’s not to like?”

“You want me to write a list?” She asks, returning his smirk, and he gives her a half shrug, half nod. “Well, if I’m basing this on what my family, friends, and past partners might say; I’m very rigid in my thinking on most matters, take myself far too seriously, am emotionally distant much of the time, don’t really know how to have fun and...I cannot carry a tune in a bucket. Basically I’m a total stick in the mud.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he says, smiling at her. Her self-consciousness is wildly endearing.

“Okay now you have to go,” she says, picking at her paper napkin.

“Oh, what are my worst qualities?” he clarifies, “Jeez, this could take a while. Um, I’m very singularly focused, as in whatever I’m chasing down at the moment I become completely obsessed with to the detriment of all other things in my life,” he casts her a little glance to confirm that she understands that this is what he’s doing with her, which she does.

“I’m a workaholic, though that’s a lot easier to manage when I’m not all that invested in what I’m working on. I’m terrible with things like birthdays, anniversaries, or generally sentimental things, I just forget them completely. I’m also persistent to a fault, and have a hard time letting things, and people, go, even when I should,” he looks at her again, and she gives him a tight-lipped smile. His worst qualities are the ones that are at risk of scaring her off right now.

“Well then, perhaps,” Scully offers, “I’ll work on not trying to shut you out, and you can work on not trying quite so hard to get in.”

“We’re still talking about feelings here, right?” he jokes, and she rolls her eyes.

“There’s another flaw I forgot, making jokes at completely inappropriate times.”

She smiles at him, with teeth, and he knows they’ll be okay. He needs to be mindful, but he hasn’t totally fucked it up yet.

The rest of their meal goes without incident. He talks about spontaneous human combustion while she calmly explains why it’s medically and scientifically impossible. The way she can disagree with him without talking to him like he’s a lunatic endears to him even further, but he works hard not to let it show. When the waiter comes by and asks about dessert, she shakes her head.

“I have ice cream at home,” she says after the waiter leaves, “saves us five bucks.”

He masks the surprise and delight he feels knowing she’s essentially just invited him back to her apartment, and absolutely does not allow himself to hope that she’ll let him stay the night. It’s a work night after all, and she’s just made clear that she has a tendency towards rules and guidelines; sleepovers on a school night seem like something she’d be against.

Back at her apartment, she gives him a quick tour, having neglected to do so when he was here last week, and he’s impressed though not surprised by how grown up and clean her place is. It matches her personality perfectly, and that makes him like the place immediately.

She opens the freezer and pulls out a pint of ice cream, then retrieves two spoons and hops up on to the counter, which brings them just about face to face height-wise. The cold blast from the open freezer has hardened her nipples and he avoids looking as they pass the pint back and forth, taking alternate bites and talking about their favorite and least favorite flavors. Soon enough, the tub is empty, and she sets it and the two spoons to the side, leaning back against the cupboard behind her. He steps closer into the space between her thighs and places his hands gently on her hips.

“Do you want me to go?” he asks in a neutral tone, not wanting to sound like he’s trying to persuade her.

She quirks her mouth to the side in consideration. “Maybe not just yet,” she says, then hooks her legs around the backs of his thighs and pulls him closer.

He suppresses a victorious smile and instead leans forward to kiss her, simultaneously slipping his hands under the hem of her sweater. She jumps a little at the contact, and he realizes how cold his fingers must be from the ice cream. He pulls his hands free, rubbing them together briskly in the space between their bodies as he continues to kiss her smiling mouth. When he’s satisfied that they are warm, he returns them to her bare sides and she hums in approval. Her hands find the back of his neck, scratching through his hair as his fingers trail their way up the ladder of her rib cage until they meet with the soft underside of her bare breasts. He wants to make mention of the lack of bra, but isn’t sure if calling attention to it would make her self conscious, so he says nothing and just enjoys it. Brushing his thumbs along the seam where chest becomes breast, he moves to kiss down her neck, teasing at the skin behind her ear with the firm tip of his tongue. Finding the spot she seems to like the best, he then runs his thumbs up until they meet with her hardened nipples and she emits a little moan that goes straight to his dick. He stays on this particular combination of rolling her nipples between his thumb and forefinger while licking and kissing her neck until she’s tightening the grip of her legs around his hips, seeking friction. He pushes the fabric of her sweater up slowly enough that she has plenty of time to tell him if she wants to stop, but once her breasts are exposed and his mouth is wrapped around one of her nipples, he is absolutely sure that she doesn’t. She lets her head fall back against the cupboard, breathing hard through her open mouth. He brings the fingers of one hand to the button on her jeans, then pauses.

“Okay?” he asks around the nipple between his lips, and she hums out an “mmmhmmm.”

Flicking the button open and easing the fly down, he slips his hand palm-up under her panties, drifting down through her neatly trimmed hair and into the slick heat of her. She’s deliciously wet, and knowing he caused it makes him feel weak in the knees as he rubs his groin against the edge of the counter, even more turned on than he had been before. He slides his fingers up and down over her swollen lips, his tongue still lapping and sucking at her nipples alternately, and she is panting and quaking beneath him, hips writhing and fingers digging into his neck telling him that she wants more. He circles his dampened thumb around her clit and she whimpers, clutching his head to her chest. His middle finger finds her entrance and swirls around it, not quite entering, and she stills, waiting, anticipating. When he continues with his same teasing movements, she lets out a frustrated breath and speaks.

“Please,” she whispers, her voice pained.

He smiles against her breast, slipping his finger inside, and she moans low and long, throbbing once around him. He experiments with different ways of touching her, inside and out, and soon she’s gasping and breathing raggedly, flexing her hips into his hand, nearly suffocating him with her breast in his mouth and he feels like he’s in heaven.

“Oh god,” she moans, then goes still for a long moment as he feels her walls clench tight around his finger. Then she’s coming, throbbing rhythmically and pulling his face up to kiss her, pouring her blissful moans right into his open mouth and clutching him as close as he can get with one hand in her pants. Finally, she touches his wrist gently and he pulls his hand free, enveloping her fully in his arms as they kiss with just as much passion as they started with.

“That really wasn’t what I had in mind when I suggested ice cream,” she says against his mouth, and he smiles, breaking the kiss.

“So that wasn’t some kind of ‘dessert’ double entendre?” he asks, pulling back slightly and looking at her flushed cheeks and still-dilated pupils.

“No, but I’m not exactly devastated that you interpreted it that way,” she replies with a playful lilt.

“So...what now?” he asks cautiously, neither wanting to overstay his welcome nor do what Frohike delicately calls ‘hit it and quit it.’

She bites her lip and considers the question. “You wanna hang out for a bit and watch TV? I’ll have to kick you out at 9:00, it being a school night and all.”

He feels his mouth stretch into a broad smile at the confirmation of his suspicion that she calls it early on work nights.

“Sounds perfect,” he replies, then steps back so she can jump down from the counter, re-fastening her jeans while casting him a mirthful glance.

They snuggle up on the couch and half-watch whatever is on, but mostly they talk, and kiss, and laugh. He finally asks her about the little gold cross necklace she’s always wearing, and he finds himself further enamored with how complex she is; a woman of science and religion, beautiful and strong, smart and fun. He’s working hard to temper his expression of it, but if he was only ninety-five percent sure he was in love with her when he said it back in August, he is one-hundred-twenty percent sure now.

True to her word, she kicks him out at 9:00 and promises that they will get together for coffee this week once she takes a look at her autopsy schedule and knows which days she’s free.

Once in his car, he drops his head against the back of the seat with a satisfied sigh. All week at work, his colleagues will ask him what he’s smiling about, and he’ll tell them truthfully that he’s just really, really happy.

[zerochanges]

2020 Favorite Video Games

I don’t know if I am an outlier or if this is the same for everyone else but I really did not play a lot of games this year. 2020 was a very harsh year for all of us, especially for me for some personal reasons. So to get to the chase, I am just gonna say it left me not doing much in what little free time I did have, and I didn’t play much either. Usually I try to keep my lists for ‘favorite of the year’ to only titles released that year but since I played so little this year, screw it. I am gonna include any game I played this year regardless of release date.

Collection of SaGa

By far a flawed rerelease. It’s bare bones: there are no advance features you would usually expect out of these kinds of emulated rereleases like save states, fast forward, or rewind, and there was no real effort made to touch up almost 30 year old localizations that had to meet Nintendo of America’s then harsh standards. This really is just 3 roms slapped into a nice looking interface with an option to increase the game speed (which by the way you better use, the characters walk very slow in these old games). 

I am bit harsh here, but only because I thought the Romancing SaGa remasters and the upcoming SaGa Frontier remaster all looked like they got a great budget and a lot of love while this is just another Collection of Mana situation (moreso specifically talking about Seiken Densetsu 1/Final Fantasy Adventure/Adventures of Mana part of that collection). I would have loved to see Square Enix do a bit more for these older games. Or at least include the remakes. Seiken Densetsu 1 had two great remakes, both unused in Collection of Mana, and all three of these original SaGa titles have remakes that have never seen the light of day outside of Japan. How great would it have been to get the Wonderswan remake of SaGa 1, as well as the Nintendo DS remakes of Saga 2 and SaGa 3? 

But my gripes aside, these games are still fun as they ever were. Replaying SaGa 1 specifically during the holiday season really helped calm me down and made me feel at ease. It’s easy to forget but even in their Gameboy roots there are a lot of funky and weird experimental choices being made in these games. They aren’t your run-of-the-mil dragon quest (or considering the gameboy, maybe pokemon would be more apt) clones. 

Raging Loop

Perhaps my favorite game of the year, Raging Loop is one of the best visual novels I have ever played hands down. The level of creativity and splitting story paths that went into it is simply mind blowing. The basic premise is both a wonderful throwback to the old days of Chunsoft sound novels while still modern and somewhat reminiscent of both Higurashi and Danganronpa. Essentially you play as Haruaki, a poor slub that got lost in the mountains with no clue where to go until you stumble upon an old rural village with a strange history and even stranger superstitions. Before you know it there has been a murder and the Feast is now afoot.

The less said about Raging Loop the better, although I do want to say a lot about it one day if I ever can write a proper review of it. This is a gripping game that will take hold of you once you get into it though and never let go. I actually 100%-ed this and I very rarely do that. I got every ending, every bonus hidden ending, played the entire game twice to hear all the hidden details it purposely hides on your first play through, played all the bonus epilogue chapters, unlocked all the hidden voice actor interviews, collected all the art work, etc, etc. I was just obsessed with this game, it’s that damn good! And the main character is maybe the best troll in all of video games, god bless Haruaki. 

Root Double

From Takumi Nakazawa, long time contributor to Kotaro Uchikoshi’s work comes a game any fan of Zero Escape or Uchikoshi in general will probably enjoy. Root Double, like its name suggests is a visual novel with two different routes, hence Root Double. The first route stars Watase Kasasagi, the leader of an elite rescue team in the midst of their greatest crisis yet that could lead to nuclear devastation as they try to evacuate a nuclear research facility that has gone awry. 

The other route stars Natsuhiko Tenkawa, an everyday high schooler whose peaceful life is thrown into turmoil when he stumbles upon a terrorist plot to destroy the nuclear facility in the city and his attempts to stop them. Together the two separate plots weave into one and creates a really crazy ride. Part Chernobyl, part science fiction, any fan of the genre will easily enjoy it. And hey it’s kind of relevant to include on this list too since it just got a Switch port this year (I played it on steam though).  

Snack World

I was shocked upon starting Snack World as it is instantly incredibly charming, witty, and downright hilarious at times yet I heard almost zero people talk about it. EVER. This game is Dragon Quest levels of quirky though, and the localization is incredible. The game has such an oddball sense of humor that works really well with its presentation right down to the anime opening video that sings about the most bizarre things. Instead of the usual pump up song about the cool adventure ahead we get stuff like wanting to go out to a restaurant and eat pork chops. 

The self aware/fourth wall breaking humor is just enough to be really funny, but doesn't overstay its welcome and always makes it work right in the context of the dialogue. And finally, just everything; with the menus, the name of side quests and missions, and the character dialogue -- are all just so witty and full of quirky humor. This is one hell of a charming and funny game and addictive to boot.

Trials of Mana

Trials of Mana has gone from one of those legendary unlocalized games, to one of the first major breakthroughs in fan translation, to finally getting an official English release complete with a fully 3D remake. In a lot of ways from a western perspective this game has had an incredible journey. As for this remake itself, I really found myself having tons of fun with it. I loved the graphics, and the voice acting while a bit on the cheaper side almost kind of adds to the charm since both the graphics and acting really give it an old PS2 vibe. I know that is probably just more me being weird but yeah, I had to say it. 

I really hope Square Enix sticks to this style of remake more often, instead of just doing Final Fantasy VII Remakes that break the bank and involve extensive tweaking to both plot and game play. I’ll take smaller budget projects that play more like the original game any day personally. I wouldn’t mind if they also deliver a brand new Mana game all together in this engine either. 

Utawarerumono Trilogy

This year saw the release of the first entry in the series, Utawarerumono: Prelude to the Fallen--and thus finally after three years since the sequels Utawarerumono: Mask of Deception and Utawarerumono: Mask of Truth came out in 2017 the trilogy is now complete in English. I ended up binging through Prelude to the Fallen very fast shortly after it came out and immediately jumped on to the sequels. Perhaps the best part of 2020 was that I finally played all three of these fantastic games, and did so back-to-back-to-back. Playing the first Utawarerumono was an experience I will never forget, it was like visiting old friends again that I haven’t seen in ages, by and large thanks to the fact that I saw the anime adaption of the game when I was much younger, nearly a decade ago. Back then I would have never of dreamed that I would get to play the actual game and get the real experience. 

And it only got better from here, as all three games are such wonderful experiences from start to finish. The stories are all so deep, and by the time you get to the third entry, Mask of Truth, it’s crazy to see how they all connected over so many years and weaved together into a plot much bigger than they ever were. What carries it beyond all that though has to be the fun and addicting strategy role playing game aspect, which while a bit on the easy side, is still so much fun and helps make the game feel better paced since you get to play the conquests your characters go on and not just read about all the battles they fight. Beyond that the games are packed full of awesome characters, and I know I’ll never forget the amazing leads in all of them. Hakuowlo, Haku, and Oshtor will all go down as some of the greats to me. 

Ys: Memories of Celceta

Ys: Memories of Celceta is a full 3D remake of Ys IV, a rather infamous game in Falcom’s Ys series. Not to get bogged down too much into the history of Falcom but by this point they were facing a lot of hardship and had to outsource this entry to other developers, and thus passed it on to two particular developers they had a business relationship with, creating two unique versions of Ys IV. Tonkin House who had worked on Super Famicom port of Ys III with Falcom ended up creating their own YS IV entry, Mask of the Sun for the very same system, where Hudson soft who had produced the much beloved Ys Books I & II remakes for the Turbografix (PC Engine) CD add-on created their own Ys IV entry Dawn of Ys for that console. Both games followed guidelines and ideas outlined from Falcom themselves but both radically diverged from each other and turned into completely different games. 

Falcom finally putting an end to this debate on which version of Ys IV you should play have gone and created their own definitive Ys IV in 2012 for the Playstation Vita. I played the 2020 remastered version of this remake on my PS4. I even bought this on the Vita when it first came out but I am horrible and only horde games, never play them. So it was a lot of fun to finally play this. 

Memories of Celceta is probably one of the best starting points for anyone looking to get into Ys, especially if you only want to stay with the 3D titles as out of all the 3D entries this explains the most about the world and series protagonist Adol Christian. Beyond that it’s just another fantastic entry in a wonderful series that has a few good twists hidden behind it, especially for long time fans of the series. 

Random Video Game Console Stuff

Xbox Has Blue Dragon: I actually got an Xbox One this year for free from my brother. Because of that I started to play Blue Dragon again and there’s a lot I would love to say about this game. I don’t know if I am fully committed to replaying it all the way through however but I find myself putting in a couple hours every few days and enjoying myself again. Does anyone else remember Blue Dragon? I feel like it really missed its audience and had it come out nowadays and probably for the Switch it would have really resonated with the Dragon Quest fandom a lot more instead of being thrown out to die on Xbox and constantly compared to Final Fantasy VII and the like which it had nothing at all similar with. 

The Turbografx 16 Mini: This was probably one of the best mini consoles that have come out and I feel like thanks to the whole 2020 pandemic thing it was largely forgotten about. That’s a shame, it has a wonderful variety of great games, especially if you count the Japanese ones (god I wish I could play the Japanese version of Snatcher included), and a wonderful interface with fantastic music. One of these days I would really like to be able to play around with the console more seriously than I have already. 

Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon Never Existed: So Nintendo localized the first ever Fire Emblem game on Nintendo Switch which is awesome to see them touching Famicom games again--I haven’t seen Nintendo of America rerelease old Famicom titles since Mysterious Murasame Castle on the 3DS, but their trailer hilariously made it seem like this is the first time ever they released Fire Emblem when in fact they had already localized the remake Shadow Dragon on the Nintendo DS nearly 10 or 11 years ago. I and many other fans I talked to all found this really hilarious, probably solely because of how much they kept repeating the fact that this is the first time you will ever be able to experience Marth’s story.

All that aside though I have to say the collector edition for this newly localized Famicom game is probably the most gorgeous retro reproduction I have seen in a long time, and I really spent many many hours just staring at the all clear glass mock cartridge. I have found myself really obsessing over retro reproductions during 2020, and obtained quite a few this year. I really hope this trend continues to go on in 2021 as recreating classic console packaging and cartridges is a lot of fun. 

[twilightprince101]

The Friendsim protag is being controlled

The following contains my findings from all of the Friendsims up to volume 15, along with my theory to how exactly this will end and how it will play into the Hiveswap narrative. This is gonna be pretty long but i think I cracked the code so bear with me.

All of the friendsims that have been released so far I have enjoyed (the characters in every single one though is, debatable). I liked the bits of story that these one hour long things give, while preserving enough lore for the next act of Hiveswap. 

However there were countless times throughout these volumes that I noticed something weird. More than often, volumes would reference both good and bad ends from a specific route. Take for example our very first buddy: Diemen. In his route, the good end had you finding the meat locker and sharing the tender moment. The bad end, on the other hand, had Diemen literally die due to the MC’s iron ass. But a key thing in this mad end is that before he dies, he gives the MC his t-shirt as a sort of sling for his broken arm.

Fast forward to Amisia’s route one volume later. She offers to heal your broken arm when you get back to her hive with the power of technology, which is all well and good! But there is something that is hard to process: the sling is mentioned.

I was a little worried when this popped up, mainly since it implied that Deimen died. But since this was canon I accepted it. Bu then, fast forward even more to Mallek’s route and suddenly, there Diemen is. Living, breathing and working for the hacker punk.

There were several more instances of this later on, such as a reference to getting drunk with Chixie while also hearing her rap and knowing the purpleblood in Polypa’s route despite joining her at anime club. At this point I assumed that there was some sort of way that there are elements of bad ends that can happen in the good ends. After all, the MC and other Troll Call characters don’t recognize the contradictions present or acknowledge them, so it shouldn’t be anything huge.

And then Boldir’s route happened, and everything changed.

The good end isn’t exactly too much to talk; you save Boldir from an assassin. But the bad end is the moment of interest; you fail to save Boldir from the poison and she slowly dies, but as she does she tells the MC some things-specifically that fate is less about one thing destined to happen but the things that lead to a certain thing, butterfly effect style. The MC, right then, is prompted to think about how things led to their moment, and something big happens.

He remembers people dying because of him-failed routes. But that shouldn’t be possible, since the people that died were Deimen, Tirona and (if we’re counting off screen deaths) Tyzias. They’re all still alive and well, we’ve seen proof of this! But upon realizing their mistake, their mind practically shuts down.

And then we see the ever famous ending line of “Again? Must I do everything myself?” I’m sure you’ve seen it so I won’t put up the picture (that and there’s a ten pic limit)

This volume is, by far, the most interesting route of all the ones released, purely from a mystery lore standpoint. The information that the MC is prompted to recall almost traumatizes them, as if it was forced into the back of their mind. But this is not limited to Boldir’s route; we have seen this before in Galekh’s route when he prompts the MC to remember their home planet and how they got there.

Both times the MC tries to recall information, it causes something in him to set off a panic alarm and make them shut down, like something is stopping them from recalling it. But back to Boldir’s ending.

After Boldir dies, the volumes onward change. You can see it right away in volume 14 in the opening dialogue before you choose which character to befriend. Apart from the entirety of the past volumes, the focus on friendship is absent. Whenever friendship is mentioned in the opening it’s highlighted in yellow, but its gone in volume 14. There’s an immediate difference there. 

Another important thing to note here is that in Karako (previously known as “WHOMST”), in one of his bad ends, literally dies. Straight up. This could be lumped in with other bad ends, but what’s significant about this is that the MC goes down kicking with him, getting brought into the Dark Carnival afterlife along with the young lad. It’s one of the very first times the MC, without being given any sort of prompt, tries to do good for their own sake. Along with proving that the dark carnival exists in the Hiveswap universe, this is a key factor in this theory. Keep this in mind.

Volume 15 is where results begin to clearly, visibly show. Not just to the player, but to the MC as well. The opening has the friendship word separated from the opening narration, while the MC says that they don’t have a purpose (aside from FRIENDSHIP). It’s treated as a sort of side topic, not exactly worth mentioning all too much.

In Wanshi’s route, while talking to Wanshi and getting himself prepared to talk to the child, he recalls previous children he has befriended. But then the MC begins, unprompted, to recall when Tirona and Karako died and tries to shake it out of their head.

Even later in Wanshi’s route, the MC fights and defeats a bloodthirsty cholerbear rampaging at a convention, protecting the young child from getting mauled. A part of me feels like this will most likely be referenced, because this is important. This ending, along with Karako’s, is one of the few instances where the MC is confirmed dead. There was Chahut and Tagora’s bad ending, but those were vague and left the possibility open for the MC to escape. These though? The MC is dead, no doubt about it.

And then we get to Charun’s route, and the difference is jarring and right in your face from the start. The MC outright refuses to do anything related to finding new friends or hanging out with old ones. We’ve seen this before at the beginning of Boldir’s route, but that was more of a depression thing in general. This though is specifically a “FUCK FRIENDSHIP” message. And then the text slaps on screen, and by far the most important thing in the friendsims is shown.

The main character remembers and references Karako’s bad end, where they died. This should be outright impossible though, considering that they mentioned earlier that they befriended Karako and the fact that they are still alive! This point, right here, is where I realized:

The Friendsim protag is experiencing every single ending in every single route. Not only that, but they remember everything.

Upon realizing this, I tried to figure out why. I remember rumors going around that the MC could be connected to some sort of Time Aspect player, rewinding time to get the desired outcome and possibly even merging timelines (like we’ve seen in [S] COLLIDE with Dave and Terezi’s team attack). But I don’t think that’s the case. In fact, we already have a lead on who is doing this. We have since Act 1 of Hiveswap.

The puppet manipulator himself, Doc Scratch.

I know this sounds crazy, but for a moment, think about Doc Scratch’s character in the Homestuck story. He is a master manipulator, controlling both the Beta kids and SGRUB players into doing exactly what he wanted so he could ascend to becoming Lord English. He made Rose turn Grimdark, he tricked the Beta kids into creating the Green Sun, and had Sollux find and use the code for when the universe would end, summoning him into the multiverse. His entire character was manipulating others to set things into motion.

Now look back up at the Galekh picture, where the MC is prompted to recall what their home is like and how they got to Alternia. They don’t know why they did it. Sure it was referenced in Boldir’s route that they stole the spaceship and in Konyyl’s route it’s said that the MC wanted to escape Earth because it was a hellhole. But the inciting incident that led to stealing a god damned spaceship is never stated. It was almost as if they were blindly doing it for some reason.

Almost all of these friendsim volumes have that exact same unknown motivation in that friendship thing. I don’t know about you, but I think if I crash landed on an unknown planet with nothing but countless injuries, I don’t really think anyone’s first instinct would be to find a friend, no matter how lonely they were on Earth. It’s only after Boldir’s intervention that the MC begins to deviate from this motivation; trying to not get involved with Marsti, proving themself to themself in Karako’s route, stepping up to protect others without making a decision to do so in the first place and outright refusing to do the thing they wanted to do from the very start. It’s as if they only now came to their senses.

Did you notice how I called Boldir’s death an intervention? Did you notice that after Boldir’s death everything began to change? Did you notice that, despite literally dying, Boldir was almost content with doing so after giving her message to you despite how pointless it seemed? What Boldir said, about thinking about the past and how it led the MC to where they were then, that sparked everything. What Boldir did in the long run was intentional.

But this begs the question: how is Doc Scratch manipulating the MC? Throughout the first handful of volumes the MC doesn’t have a palmhusk after all, so there’s no way they have been contacted since landing. But I think there’s a more indirect answer: subliminal messaging. Through some unknown means, the MC is being sent messages on how to act and behave from the Doc. It sounds outlandish, but the proof has been right in front of us the whole time, every single time we boot up one of the Volumes.

White text.

What we saw after Boldir’s bad end was Doc Scratch’s message, complaining that he must do everything himself. The white text box that we see, is Doc Scratch’s subliminal messaging in the flesh, as he writes out your every move and translates those messages into thoughts. The entire 2nd person narration here was an illusion: it was actually first person. The end of Boldir’s route had the 2nd person structure break and for the first time, the narration is in first person perspective. Doc Scratch has revealed himself after being tricked by Boldir.

Another thing to note is that a lot of Friendsim takes place either before or during Act 1 of Hiveswap, (as confirmed by one of the devs). So when the text says “Must I do everything myself?”, this references what happens in Act 1, where Xefros receives the Scratchware protection program and traps the troll under rubble. The reason he does this is simple: with the help of Boldir, the MC is beginning to break free of Doc Scratch’s control.

So overall, here is what I’ve gathered and my theory about all of this:

Through some unknown method, Doc Scratch has been sending subliminal messages ever since they lived on Earth. He manipulated the MC to steal the spaceship and fly off into space, then causing the crash through some other means (such as manipulating one of the people building the spaceship to leave out certain parts to cause it to break down. I know this part is baseless but it’s the best I’ve got). Through these subliminal messages and other powers, the Doc has been manipulating the MC to do specific events and even crossover different timelines to lead to some sort of end goal that will show in Act 2 of Hiveswap. However since Boldir interfered and limited the manipulation, Doc Scratch had to resort to manipulating the main cast through the Scratchware program.

As for the Friendsim volumes, these most recent volumes are suggesting that something big is coming, and the events that happen in this story will directly cause what happens in Act 2. This not only would act as a sort of prologue to Act 2, but also give a reason to why Whatpumpkin is prioritizing finishing these before releasing any Hiveswap information. I’m not sure what might happen or what’s coming, but there is one thing we do know for sure about this whole situation.

He is already here.

[kenzieam]

Full Circle - Chapter Three (Bucky X Lev)

Rating: M (smut, language, violence, mature themes, potential major character death)

Genre: Drama/Angst

@captstefanbrandt @iammarylastar @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @notimetoblog @captain-ariel-barnes @jaamesbbarnes @lancefvcker @bitsandbobsandstuff @softlybarnes @lovelybbarnes @buckitybarnes @bucky-plums-barnes  @moonbeambucky @badassbaker @citylights221 @empress-of-boujee  @shynara51 @diinofayce @casestudy-mw  @jewels2876 @damnaged-princess @everythingisoverrated @allmyfanficfaves @melgoodwin @clarabella960 @curvybihufflepuff  @angryschnauzer @wowspideyholland @sergeantwhitewolf @smilexcaptainx @plaidcat4815 @shirukitsune @chook007

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This is the sequel to It’s Time, with Lev reaching the end of her pregnancy; but will ghosts from the past threaten their newfound and hard-fought happiness???

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In the aftermath of Lev’s accident, what happens? Can she and Bucky repair their relationship, are the twins okay......

does Lev even survive

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

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My life is over. My world has ended.  

I’m so fucking stupid.  

I fucking sat there and let that bitch talk. I should have thrown her out as soon as she showed her fucking face in my office, but I was so goddamn stunned. I’d heard she was back in town, but I never thought she’d have the nerve to find me and want to talk.

It was bullshit, I’m sorry Bucky, I’d like to apologize for what I did so many years ago, as if ‘sorry’ could possible cover destroying the best thing I’d ever had.  

And I can’t even blame her, I’m the one that let her stay in the office, let her speak. I didn’t grab her by the scruff of her neck and toss her out like the trash she is and, once again, Lev found us.  

If it wasn’t so fucking agonizing, it would be funny. Poor bastard, you’d laugh, watching your TV screen, if it wasn’t for bad luck, he’d have none at all.

I love Levi. With all my flawed goddamn being, and seeing the betrayal on her face when she walked into my office shattered my heart, but then soul-consuming panic flooding through me when she turned away from me and ran, drove off in an obvious state of distress. She was in no shape to drive, no shape to go anywhere, and I could hear her thoughts, they’d been broadcast clearly enough on her breathtaking face.

Not again!! I need to get away!

I will never forgive myself.        

I don’t give the bitch time to speak, she’s followed me out into the lot, watched as my entire life disappeared in a squeal of rubber. I turn and let her have the full brunt of my terrified rage.  

“Get the FUCK away from ME!” I roar, spittle flying from my lips and she has the decency to flinch.  

She opens her mouth but I don’t let her.

“SHUT UP!!!! Do you realize what happened? Jesus Christ! Do you understand?!”  

For the briefest second shame flashes in her eyes and I have to clamp down hard on the urge to slap her fucking face. I have never hit a woman before, but Jesus Christ, right now I want to. Fuck your shame.

“I should go.”

Understatement of the goddamn millennium. “Yeah.” I all but spit, fumbling for my phone, hoping against hope that Lev will answer, let me explain. Alicia Howard completely leaves my radar as I focus on my phone screen. Dimly I hear her car start.

“C'mon, baby.” I plead, my hands shaking. Christ, if I lose Lev again, after all this.......

The phone rings, and rings before going to voicemail.

“Dammit!”  I try again, directly to voicemail.

My fingers are trembling as I type a text. Baby, nothing happened. Please believe me, call me PLEASE!

I’m shaking too goddamn hard to drive myself, to try and find Lev. Tears are already starting to form in my eyes when I dial the familiar number.

“Yeah. Buck.” Steve sounds casual, not knowing I’m about to drop a load of shit on him.

“Goddammit Steve-” I rasp as the tears start to fall.

“Bucky? Jesus, what’s wrong? I’m just pulling into the site-”

I hear the rumble of his car and turn, finding it hard to breathe through my growing panic. One thought keeps racing through my mind, stuck on a loop. I can’t lose her, I can’t lose her, I can’t lose-

Steve grabs my shoulders, shakes me. “Bucky?! What the fuck? Was that Alicia I saw leaving? Tell me it wasn’t, man-”

He falls silent at my expression, disapproval and anxiety warring in his eyes.  

“Lev saw-”

“WHAT THE FUCK!!!” His outburst staggers me, almost kills my panic, almost. "You were talking to that bitch? Bucky! What the hell were you thinking?!”

What was I thinking?

“I was just about to tell her to leave!”

“That should have been the first fucking thing out of your mouth!”

“Christ, man. Lev saw us, she fucking saw and turned around and ran. I don’t know what she’s thinking, where she’s going-”

Steve shakes me, hard. “Get in the car.”

I stumble and almost fall, barely managing to fold my large frame into the car before Steve races out. Mia must have been sitting in here last, my knees are touching my chin.

“Goddammit Buck, goddammit.” Steve mutters, like a mantra, over and over. “What the fuck is it with you? Fucking Alicia?! AGAIN?!”

“NOTHING HAPPENED!”

“DOESN’T MATTER! Lev saw the two of you within arm's reach and that’s too fucking close! Dammit, when will you stop wasting all your fucking chances with her?! For someone that says they love her so much, you sure play around-”

“Don’t fucking finish that sentence.” All of the rage directed at myself flows into my words, and they hit Steve hard enough he flinches.  

My head’s on a swivel, looking everywhere for the familiar vehicle as Steve races back home. It’s the only place I can think she’d go, and only because she’s surely planning on leaving me, packing her bags and disappearing again, and I won’t delude myself into thinking I’ll survive this time.  

The driveway’s empty but I leap out anyway as Steve screeches to a halt, falling in my hurry to reach the door. My fingers fumble the keys but I manage to throw the door open and rush inside.

“Levi?!” My voice breaks from the strain as I shout, sprinting through the house looking even though I already know it’s empty. I’m half-hysterical by the time I make it back to the kitchen. Steve is pacing, his phone pressed to his ear. He hangs up.

“Clint hasn’t seen or heard from her, neither has Nat or Sam.”

I’m lost, panicking and not thinking clearly in the slightest. There is no telling what I would currently give up right now just to rewind the last few minutes; to stand and lock the office door when I first noticed the strange convertible pulling in.  

“Sit down,” Steve commands, pointing to a nearby kitchen chair. “Let me make a few more calls.”

“Did you try Lev?”

He nods once, brusquely. “Voicemail.”

Surely Lev would answer Steve’s number, wouldn’t she?  

My phone rings and I press it to my ear before I even look at the screen. “Lev?”

“What the fuck, man?” Clint sounds simultaneously incensed and devastated. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Clint... brother, I-”

“I’m not your goddamn brother, you better pray nothing happens to my sister or goddammit, I’m have your fucking head!” His rage sends a cold wave down my spine, but it’s nothing I don’t deserve. He hangs up before I can stutter anything more.  

I can’t tell you how much time passes, but it’s agonizing, my absolute ruin. I plead to every god and deity I can think of, beg them to please, please, please let Lev be safe, let her give me a chance to explain.  

Steve moves between the house and the deck, the phone permanently attached to his face.  

I try Lev’s number again and again, leave her increasingly panicked and pleading messages, text in between each call, barely able to legibly type the words.                                                                            

The house phone rings, sharp and abrupt, interrupting my newest, most frantic message. Steve looks sharply at me then reaches over and snags it.  

“Barton Residence. No, this is a friend. He’s here.” Wordlessly he holds the phone out to me, and the sudden sorrow in his eyes breaks me. Trembling, I take the phone from his hand and press it to my ear.

“Mr. Barnes, this is Dr. Barlow at the University Hospital-”

I can’t stand to hear anymore and a scream claws from my throat as I throw the phone across the room.  

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Oh god.

I feel like absolute shit.

I lay still for long minutes, waiting for my senses to clear, I feel like I’ve been sleeping a long time, been clawing to the surface for ages.

What the fuck happened...... oh wait, I remember.

Sudden anguish claws in my chest and it’s all I can do to draw my next breath. Memories hit me hard and fast, each one slashing like a razor.  

‘Alicia Howard’s back in town.’

Whose white convertible is that?

Oh my god.... not again. NOT AGAIN!!

A ragged sob breaks free and I can only let the pain take me, helpless on the crashing waves of sorrow. I hurt everywhere, and the horrible whooping sobs are only making me hurt worse, but I can’t stop them.  

Sudden, searing pain steals my breath, stops my sobs cold and my hands, shaking and weak, fumble and flounder but finally manage to rest on my abdomen. The pain is hot, vicious and stabbing and cold panic begins to take my sanity when I see that the swollen belly I’ve been gazing at for so long is suddenly, curiously, flat.

Where are my babies?

WHERE ARE MY BABIES??

A keening wail of animal anguish breaks free as I throw my head back. I’d always felt vaguely ashamed if I’d been around another person, or seen an actor in a movie cry out like this, but I understand now; the wordless pain, the crippling agony needs to be released somehow.

A nurse I don’t recognize rushes into the room, followed closely by Clint and Steve.  

“Clint!” I reach desperately for my brother with shaking arms and he surrounds me in his strength and warmth, a steady rock for me to break against and I feel another set of hands rest gently on me, Steve; one hand strokes gentle circles on my back while the other rests softly on my knee.

And they let me cry.  

The nurse leaves, knowing her medical knowledge is of no use right now.

After a long while I’m able to breathe again without wailing, able to focus on more than just pain and lift my head, surprised to see both Clint and Steve have been crying with me. My brother’s touch is gentle as he cups my cheek.

“Hey, brat.” His voice is tremulous.

“H-hey.... Hi Steve.”

Steve folds his massive form to sit on the other side of the bed, his skin is pale, face haggard. “Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?”

I remember my earlier disorientation, my feeling of being gone for a long time. “How long have I been out?”

Clint and Steve share a look that does nothing to assuage my anxiety. Finally, Clint clears his throat and answers.

“Just over two weeks. You’ve been in and out of consciousness, but never really awake.”

My breath is stolen again as I gape soundlessly at both men, watch as fresh tears form in their eyes. They both look terrible, what Hell have they been trapped in?

“My babies?” I’m terrified to ask, I’ve lost them, haven’t I?”

A faint smile graces Clint’s face. “They’re in the NICU. They’re small and they were too early, but they’re getting stronger every day.”

My hand flutters weakly over my deflated belly.

“Emergency c-section. You were going downhill fast, their heart-rates were dropping, we had to get them out.”

I nod absently, disappointment heavy in my heart. I was genuinely looking forward to delivering my children, being there when they slid into the world, hold them as they were placed, brand new and crying, on my chest and that was robbed from me. The words are bitter acid on my tongue.

“And him?"

Clint and Steve glance at each other. “In the NICU with the babies, we won’t let him in to see you, although God, he’s tried. I’ve tried to get him banned from the NICU as well, but I can’t because he’s the twin’s father.”

Weak rage burns in my heart. He’s the cause of all this and he’s had over two weeks alone with my babies, time that have been stolen from me.  

“Did you want to see him?” Clint asks uncertainly, his tone indicating he’d rather I said no.

“No.” I all but spit. “But I want to see my babies.”

Clint nods slowly, then exhales and stands, resting a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”  

Steve watches him leave then turns back to me, smiling wetly. “I’m glad you’re back, baby doll.”

“I’m sorry, Steve-”

“Hey,” he reaches up and gently cups my cheek. “Don’t. If anyone’s to blame right now, it’s Bucky.”

I don’t want to ask, but it comes out anyway. “How has he been?”

Steve exhales, thumb gently stroking my cheekbone. “Honestly?”

I nod.

Steve drops his hand into his lap. “He’s.... he’s broken, Lev.  After you left, when we didn’t know where you were, I.... I didn’t even recognize him. I’ve never seen him so... out of control, not even before, the first time. And then, Jesus, when the hospital called....” He trails off. “Then the doctor is saying we’re losing you, and we’ve got to get the babies out and there was just terror and confusion.... when the nurse came out and said you’d pulled through, Bucky just... he collapsed to his knees and started crying, harder than I’ve ever seen.... I mean.... he broke. He’s been with the twins every second he can, and here, trying to see you when he’s not. I’ve caught him a few times looking in through the door, but Clint is keeping a pretty close eye on you. They’ve had a few knock-down, drag-outs over it-”

“What?!”

“It’s come to blows a few times, Sam and I managed to separate them before they did too much damage to each other. Bucky is adamant that nothing happened, and honestly, the way he’s taking all this, I kind of believe him. But Clint’s in full-on brother mode, as he has every right to be, and it hasn’t been pretty.” He pauses and studies my stunned face. “I’m not trying to sway you either way, you wanted my honest opinion and that’s it.”

I’m so tired, so weary and worn out. “Why do I always assume the worst, Steve? I mean, if we’re so fated for each other, destined and soul mates and all that, then why am I always so quick to think he’s betrayed me? Why can’t I just.... trust?”

Multiple emotions flash over Steve’s face, pain and sorrow, anger and frustration. “Because your mother was a bitch to you. Honestly, I loved the woman, and she was always good to me, but.... the way she treated you... I mean, if your own mother couldn’t be there for you, why would you trust anyone else to be? Especially someone you care for as much as Bucky?”

“I trust you. I trust Clint-”

“We don’t own your heart, Bean. Of course, Bucky is going to affect you more strongly than anyone else, you’re a part of each other.” He smiles wanly then reaches over and gently rests his hand on mine. “I can’t tell you what to do and I'm not going to, but-”  

He’s cut off then by a commotion out in the hallway. Raised voices and scuffling, growing to hoarse shouts and I recognize both speakers.

“I want to see her!” Bucky shouts.

“No! Fuck you!” Comes Clint furious reply. More scuffling, as if Bucky is physically trying to get past Clint and is being held back. Steve shoots me a cautious look and stands, hurrying from the room. His voice joins the fray, calmer than theirs, but his answer only makes Bucky louder.

“No! Steve, please! I need to see her. Lev?!” I catch sight of his face over Steve’s shoulder and I’m shocked at how pale and haggard he looks. His eyes plead with me. “Lev!”

I’m not ready to talk to him, I can’t stand to see the pain on his face. He moans in distress when I turn my face away.

“Lev! Baby, please!”

“Come ON,” Clint all but snarls, pulling hard on Bucky’s arm. There’s a heavy thud, a grunt of pain and that’s when my tears start.

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I must have dropped off again, for the next thing I know, it’s blessedly silent. I’m alone again, but my head is clearer, but then the earlier ugliness hits me again.  

Two weeks? My babies are in the NICU, small and early but getting stronger, Bucky has been with them constantly, and despite my earlier venom, I can only summon a sense of relief, at least one of us has been there.

A surreal feeling washes over me; the last thing I remember is stopping by Nat and Clint’s, happy and eager to soon meet the little people I’ve been growing inside me, then the hated words are spoken 'Alicia Howard' and it all goes to shit. What is it with her? Nat’s right, I won. I have, had, Bucky and was truly happy; and all it took was the mention of her name to turn me into a hysterical mess.

Jesus, issues much?

A nurse bustles in and busies herself with checking the IV bags hanging beside the bed.

“Hello, dear.” She even has the warm, stereotypical English accent. “I’m Mary, how are you feeling?”

“Confused,” I admit.

She nods, setting herself gently on the edge of the bed. “You’ve had quite a lot happen in a short amount of time.”

“Where is everybody, I mean, my brother-”

“They were all escorted from the property earlier.”

“What?”

“They continued to fight and scuffle and security needed to be called. They have all been given a twenty-four suspension, but your brother left you a note.” She reaches over and pulls back a slip of paper I hadn’t noticed yet.

Lev

Sorry sis, but we got thrown out. They let me write this note, then we’re not allowed back until tomorrow.  

I’m sorry. I don’t want him anywhere near you or the babies, but if you want to see him, it’s your choice and I’ll support you.  

The kids have all come down with the flu at once or else Nat and Wanda would be there, but call me or Steve if you need anything, and I’ll figure out how to get it to you.  

Love you, Clint

I sniff, I don’t deserve such a brother, he always takes care of me.  

“Do you remember the accident?” Mary asks gently.

I pause, wracking my brain but only bits and pieces float up. “I uh.... I was hit by a semi; I was upset and not paying attention to the road.”

Mary nods sympathetically and takes over where I trail off. “You were broadsided, hit on the passenger side or else, my dear, I don’t think you would still be with us. You’ve fractured a few bones and are quite bruised, but there was serious concern of brain damage for a time and, by the time the first responders cut you out of the vehicle you were in a bad way, and the decision had to be made for an emergency C-section to save your twins, and you. You’ve been floating in what we term ‘altered consciousness’ ever since. Never truly aware, sometimes responsive, mostly not.”

“My babies?”

“I’m not a NICU nurse, so I don’t see them regularly, but from what I hear they are thriving. Your husband is there constantly and is always holding them skin to skin, the best way for preemies.”  

“Skin to skin?”

“He sits in the rocking chair beside their incubators without a shirt and the twins are placed on his chest in nothing but their diapers. He holds and rocks them for hours at a time. Skin to skin is a large part of our care here, whenever possible we encourage it. It’s truly miraculous how the babies respond, their temperature regulation is better, they feed better, sleep better. Your twins are thriving because of your husband’s attention.” She pauses and eyes me quietly, I know the question is coming. “You are currently separated?”

I shake my head, suddenly weary of the whole thing. “Long story, I hope it’s all a big misunderstanding but....” I trail off helplessly, not sure what I’m going to do if it isn’t all a mistake, if I have been fooled twice.... I can’t think of that right now, I can’t go down that road again, I need facts, not assumptions. “I-”

“Excuse me?” A quiet, hesitant voice at the door interrupts and I freeze in dawning horror, eyes locking on the speaker.  

No, no.... NO.

Mary stands and addresses the visitor. “May I help you?” She’s noticed my unease and is cautiously polite.

The speaker looks past her directly to me. “Levka, could I talk to you.... please?” Alicia Howard asks, her voice strangely humble.

I swallow hard. Every instinct is screaming NO but there’s something different about my nemesis. She’s twisting her hands nervously, eyeing me apprehensively, no trace of her usual arrogance or confidence. I catch sight of bags under her eyes, she’s tried to hide them with concealer, but the unforgiving fluorescents above us reveal all.                                                            

What could this woman possible have to say to me?

“Alright.” My voice is quiet.

Mary nods and steps aside, holding out an arm to the chair. Alicia nods in thanks and carefully sits, resting her purse on her lap, fingers clenched.  

“I’ll be just out by the desk,” Mary says. “Call if you need me.”

Alicia turns her head, watching Mary leave before slowing turning back to me. She takes a deep breath. “Levka, I..... I’m here to say that I’m sorry... for everything.”

I’m floored, absolutely speechless. I don’t think we have ever spoken to each other without screaming, hurling insults like hand grenades.  

“S-sorry?”

She smiles faintly, sadly. “I understand if you are confused, I’ve never been... repentant before.” She pulls a tissue from her purse and begins to torture it in her twisting hands. After a beat she takes a deep breath and raises her head. “Tommy has left me. He’s become enamored by a young woman he works with.”

You could knock me over with a feather and I can just open and close my mouth soundlessly, like a fish.

“Karma, I suppose.” Alicia gives a faint laugh, meant to be flippant, but heart-breaking instead. “It made me think about what I’ve done in the past, who I’ve hurt, who I’ve stomped on.” She looks up at me, tears in her eyes. “I’m truly sorry, Levka. Bucky was just a game to me, I was always jealous of you-”

“Me?”

She laughs mirthlessly, sitting up straighter. “C’mon, Levka. Everyone was. You were always so strong, so confident. You knew what you wanted and you did it. Not to mention you were surrounded by man candy that you were either related to or had hanging off your every word.”

Just when I think I can’t be any more shocked, she drops this. I never in all my years even entertained the notion that Alicia Howard could possibly be jealous of me.  

She clears her throat and continues, shame making her blush. “I knew you two were fighting and wanted to hurt you, show you I could have your man too. I waited until Bucky was drunk at Derek’s party then made my move. He was so.... sad and heartbroken over you it was easy, he was desperate for something other than sadness. He fought it, but I laid it on thick and poured more alcohol down his throat...... anyway, you know what happened next. And for a while, I was happy. I’d hurt you, badly. I knew it wasn’t Bucky’s baby but...” she breaks off with a sorrowful sniff. After a moment she raises her head and I’m shocked by the naked sorrow on her face, despite her efforts to conceal it. “What I did was horrible, and now it’s come due; I’ve had my man taken in return for stealing yours. That’s the reason I’ve been back home.... to help my parents move down to Florida to help me with the kids, my youngest just turned six months old, and I wanted to say I was sorry in person. I shouldn’t have gone to apologize to Bucky first, I realize that was a mistake; but I was a coward, I knew Bucky would be less likely to murder me on sight.” She twists a plain band on her finger and falls silent, waiting for my response.  

“So... you, at the worksite...?”

She shakes her head emphatically. “No, nothing happened. I didn’t want to show Bucky how devastated I was, so I sat on the edge of his desk and tried to be casual, but it failed. You walked in and....” She looks up. “He loves you, more than I think you’ll ever know. That’s why it was so satisfying to steal him that night... Bucky would never purposely hurt you Levka, I only wish I’d had the same luck with men. I don’t deserve your forgiveness for all that I’ve done to you, but I hope you’ll accept my apology.”  

I’m.... flabbergasted, struck dumb. I would have been more likely to buy the scenario of Alicia showing up here to smother me with my pillow than apologize and I honestly don’t know how to respond. Despite her speaking to my strengths, it has just taken a tremendous amount of courage to do what she's just done and I feel.... sympathy for her pain. The words come out before I can think about them, but they feel right all the same.  

“Thank you, Alicia. I do.... I mean, I forgive you.”

She jolts viscerally, looking up at me with wide, tearful eyes. “Really?” She wretchedly hopeful, and I see in this moment I have the power to break her.  

I don’t. I need to let all of this go.

“Yes.”

She chokes a sob and drops her head and my cheeks go red. How surreal is this? My high school nemesis, bawling her eyes out over my hospital bed. I’m awkward as hell, not sure what to do. Do I touch her, pat her head? Call for Mary? I’m saved by Alicia herself. She sits back up, struggling for control, her own cheeks red with a mix of embarrassment and emotion. After a moment she stands, collecting herself, straightening her blouse.  

“Thank you Levka,” she murmurs. “You’ve been far more gracious than I deserve.”

I nod. “Thank you, Alicia.... for explaining everything.”

She nods once, and swallows. “Goodbye.” She’s eager to leave and frankly, I’m eager to see her go; this has been crazy and I need time to process it all. When I look up again she’s gone and Mary stands in the doorway, smiling gently at me.

“Would you like to have a shower, dear? Clean up a bit?”  

“God, yes.”    

[therevolutionwillnot]

She Can Fly (a ranty ode to my grandma)

Grandma used to tell me when I was little, I’d take a sheet and run around the house singing, I Believe I Can Fly. I can see the movie version of myself, hair in braids, shoes off, grandma saying “Hohoooo-bapreeee.” Run to one corner “I believe I can touch the skyyy” Run to another corner “Think about it every night and dayyyy” Flying across the rooms, wings flapping “Spread my wings and fly awaaay” I run through that open door, arms flailing drastically the beat beating through my chest as it repeats until the crescendo, “I believe I can flllyyyyyy!” Fast forward and rewind a few hours backwards, Dadu is yelling at grandma. Somewhere in my head his Hindi is slapping the walls and he is the large frame of a giant who squishes my grandma into the mouse form she feels majority of the time around him. I think he slapped her at one point, but all of that is lost or fuzzy in where we don’t like to remember. This woman. This woman who raised my uncle, aunt and dad. This woman… Would say to me “Mimi do you remember the garden. You would said my garten- these are my toe-mayy-toes.” There would be a laugh in her voice, as if she could see the sun shining on my little authoritative face claiming “This is my land” in tiny toddle voice. She liked the Animal Planet Channel, America’s Funniest Home Videos (animals over humans definitely) and soap operas. All the face slapping, facial expressions, dramatic music, my grandma’s reaction. “Oh myyyyyyy.” It was the animals and videos that were the best in my book. Some baby, child thing or animal would do something irreversibly stupid, clumsy and all at the same time adorable. She would laugh. “Oh hohohohohoo oh my.” Her laughter made me laugh, I loved to watch her sit in her plastic cheap looking dollar store chair and smile. And laugh. I think those were our moments. I didn’t realize this, but she raised me. For a long time she was there and I can’t remember most of it. I don’t know those times that my cheeks must’ve ruined the tectonic equilibrium as her face would peer into mine, searching for the many ways to make those cheeks burst even more with smiles. The times we must’ve had each other best. I will not know those. We were learning about human biology, I read the passage, I got all the information-We essentially come from monkeys...or monkey-like things, my brain said. I know things, I’m twelve. What in me decided to have this conversation with my dad? What sparked this ignorance to state boldly, “Dad we come from monkeys.” Immediate downfall, the bible was talked at and thrusted into my hands. “Are you telling me your grandma comes from monkeys?” I can’t answer with a straight face, because it’s all over. The world is ending. Quietly I say, “Yes. We all do.” More fireballs thrown until our words are pure flames. My grandma is praying in the corner, I’m crying. And realized I didn’t want this. I didn’t to see her like this-don’t care about him, he’ll always be this way, but grandma. I made a day in hell for you and I’m sorry. I told her I didn’t care if he lived, one day. We were on the phone. But he was getting sick. He’s always getting sicker. She said he’s in a bad way. I propose the idea that maybe he is, and maybe we should be ready for that...and in a small voice I tell her I don’t care. She was immediately offended that I would ever say anything like that, he was your son. I know that hurt you. I never should have said that out loud to you. She reminds me of the Glass Menagerie-that fucking story always pisses me off (but you are so fragile). She would think so little of herself (you didn’t like new clothes, in fact I have some of them). I tell this story to kids I work with all the time- it’s my favorite to tell and of course I change it up a little more every time. He was outside making chicken, red, so deliciously red but it was always smokey and filled with mosquitoes. You were inside making potatoes. Sometimes you sat on the floor and chopped on this big wooden heavy chopping board with this knife that looked like a mini machete perfect for your everyday brown toddler. I asked if I could help around, you stirring, he’s flipping and drinking. You both say no. So apparently my tiny self managed to drag a sack of potatoes to the bathroom. Plop them in one by one...to which one of you noticed. The door creaks open slowly, assuming it’s just a little girl taking a large deuce (it runs in our family seriously tho), but to her surprise...her granddaughter is smushing potatoes into the toilet. I can imagine what you sounded like “Oriiiiiiii bapreee!!!!” And apparently my father walked in- this guy who loves Beevus and Butthead with the comedic level of a 15 year old boy in the 90s...yeah he laughed his ass off. Secretly struggling with the idea of how to unclog the toilet. You guys loved to tell that story and I always loved hearing it. It was during a time you were happy with him...but we both know how temporary that was. We would go on walks, I’m in middle school...I’m a teenager and you disclose to me how scared you are of him. I’ve heard him yell at you or flex in frustration. We have both seen in this in men, too many times. It’s as if Dadu just couldn’t rest and had to reincarnate himself in your son. 12 pack of beer, everytime we hung out sometimes a 20 pack. Budlight or Budweiser mostly. Every. Night. You told me he did ether one night and died. Granted he was younger...but you’d been carrying his booze problem since. It was you. Alone. With him. And when I called sometimes our secret code language of his angry presence was enough that I would get on the phone with him, make him laugh, something. Just to ease your space. But you called me one day...it had gone too far. He had alcohol poisoning and my brother was there. He had to call 911. He was crying and alone with you and him and...I wasn’t there. To help, to take over, to handle the crisis. I was so young to hear about his abuse to you. I asked my mom what if we moved you...I knew she never would. But I really wanted you gone from him. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to know you were safe and happy. I hurt you when I didn’t call or visit. I don’t know why I didn’t, but I do, I was too lazy, I was living my life, I was like my mother. She did that to you too. I learned this from her, I take full responsibility for not seeing you, I did not see you when you were here last. I didn’t tell you the truth. Me and Al aren’t together and whe I have a kid I will most likely not be in a marriage but I’ll be happy. Because I can stop this curse of misery and pain. If I am here for anything I am here for that. You gave me love-you showed me what love looks like and that is all I can give back. We all deserve love, hurt, broken, in pieces, in full glasses of water. I’m sorry if I didn’t give it back to you. But please always know that I love you. You met Al. You said his name funny. But it was cute. I knew he wasn’t the one but I never brought a guy to meet you and you deserved to meet someone. He was my first long term relationship. I didn’t love him, but liked him a lot. I think you could tell. I think you liked watching me with a guy. You kept asking when I’d get married and start having kids. You really wanted grandkids, that’s when the very elongated “Graaanddmmaa” would creep a smile around my mouth. It was just cute that you started doing that when I was getting older. You died on the night I was out dancing on a date. It was a really nice date and I don’t know if you said this to me, but I believe you did, you told me, “You love.” And that feeling I’d always dreamed of, dancing with someone where the energy and connection are caught together to hold up the mast to swing in the storm of sound waves. There it was. That feeling. The next morning Felicia texted me. I was on the toilet. I had a great night and a great morning. I knew her text was bad. It was in my gut but I hoped...and then I read it. And I cried so hard muffling the choking sounds shoving my hands over my mouth trying to keep everything from falling apart. You were just gone...I know that’s cliche. But that was it. No will. No letter. No words left for me or anyone. You didn’t exist, you weren’t coming back. And I didn’t say anything to you, I didn’t say any of these things to you because I let him take you and our family didn’t have words for you. They held nothing in your name, no funeral or church event. I didn’t fight for you because I thought I was too small. I should’ve fought for you because no one else did. I was strong enough for you, I was strong enough to fight them off to let them know that you mattered, that you gave me strength and inspiration in this world to fight for my existence. I never told you that I wrote a paper about you for my English class in high school. A very influential teacher, this old white dude read my words about you. Just you and your superhuman ability to survive this world and still have room to smile and laugh. The hug you gave me more which was always more than three times when we would say goodbye. I loved saying goodbye to you. He left me a message, that I was a very talented writer and should follow this road, this path… I never told you, that you gave me that moment, I was proud to exist to feel purposeful in this world. I wrote about the smell of turmeric, onion, curry, garlic in your salwar, the Amla you combed through your hair and always braided. The way you said, “Ow.” and made such a painful yet comical face. The way cilantro chili pepper eggs in roti were simple and yet savory as ever like your dahl, your fried fish, anything you cooked. Your heart that gave away so much love and you only got so much in return. You gave me love and I am so thankful for all that you have been in my life, my Grandma. These are my words for you.

[elboyo-blog]

About Youtube Rewind

Right so… youtube rewind 2017 is out. Everyone’s favourite end of year tradition, showcasing all the trends people were talking about, and all the topics and creators on the site that cultivated the community around to make youtube stand ou…

I should stop. This is all bullshit as I am aware you all know, yourtube rewind is, was and always will be throwaway ‘look at us we’re unique!’ shite, but this years was especially aggravating. It really boiled down a reality that has been creeping up on us for a while. Youtube rewind 2017 just shows that youtube doesn’t want to be youtube. Of course that could be seen that last year, for example the whole Dwayne Johnson at the start but I believe that can be justified with the fact that Dwayne has a channel just for himself, what isn’t justifiable from last year at least is the fucking talk show hosts like trevor noah and Seth ‘cumstain’ myers.  This only gets worse and worse with this years entry however. But I’m getting ahead of myself, lets just break it down (tl;dr at the bottom)

overview (This will be the most chronological so watching along helps)

Right so off the fucking bat the vid starts with a Stephen Colbert(Not a youtuber) talking to Lele Pons (A viner and Instagram star who flocked to youtube where that ship sank) and some girl beside (I think she’s popular but I don’t know her), we then see some random girl run into the room and start the cue to ‘Despacito’ which I can see why it is there at least, as it sprung to the highest viewed it can have justification. It then cuts to some people dancing and switching shots locations and people (one of which is that one DJ marshmallow or whatever who, again, isn’t a youtuber). It stops at KSI (Who I’ll get too) using a fidget spinner (which ill also get too) with some some vloggers/IG stars beside him (probably). Oh, hey Rhett and Link.  We then get showcased to a slime playground of sorts. I have no fucking clue if this was a trend at all. The only thing I can link this too is all the ‘homemade slime’ tutorials I always hear about. The only thing I really got was ‘Wow! Muselk is thicc’ but other than that the whole thing I think was pointless. Then, for some reason, they put rinestones on their faces? Again, was this a trend? Like, was there a whole underground rinestone craze that slipped under people’s noses? Like most things though, I doubt if it was a trend it even started on youtube. Anyway, they do the dua lipa thing, go to Africa, uuuuuuuugehiehehiihesfiefbfrbeube, do dance crazes during said ‘uuuuuuuugehiehehiihesfiefbfrbeube’ that didn’t originate on youtube and HEY! The eclipse was a thing right? EventhoughthatprimarilyhappenedintheUSthereforealienatinganyrelatabilitythatyoutubewasgoingfor buuuuuut I digress. They do do one thing right which is the whole meme graveyard idea (fitting, I know) parodying the video for the worst tayloer swift yet (nothing beats love story fight me) oooooooh but then the DAB! They hit that DAB!  Into yet another ‘uuuuuuuugehiehehiihesfiefbfrbeube’. Oh cool poopy’s there. Don’t know who that other person is but maybe it’s a new character in the poppy lore or maybe its just a person I don’t know or maybe recognise. The whole hurricane Harvey thing they pull next is insulting to the point ill reserve a whole section to it. Skipping that we go to a roof party with the DJ and the fidget spinner, a perfect almagimation of all that isn’t youtube based trends, seriously the dj could maybe be related as he uses youtube as an outlet for his music but fidget spinners were a physical thing! It was a brand! Literally this year’s version of silly bandz! Yes Susan, include this! Very youtube, much wow! Fuck off. Anyway, we see the party is home to the biggest twats of youtube, team 10 and the pauly boys (Note: that’s a nice band name). with them on the roof are stars that again, didn’t start on youtube. Most of them are viners and/or IG stars with like one or two from fine bros React (I shit you not if you look in the back there’s the old guy from elder’s react). We cut to more slime bois (hey Tomska). When they cut back, (yes holy shit it is the guy form elders react! Jfc) and they do their sick moves like the floss, a move YouTube claims to have homebrewed as well (come on guys, Katy Perry tried to claim it first). Hey, look its every 14y/o girls wet dream. More slime boyos. I think KEEM screams the floor is lava but… that trend was an IG trend wasn’t it or like the last vine trend, but it got Ol’ Yellered, like, just because Fine Bros do a youtubers react to it doesn’t make it a YouTube thing! Jeez louis. Big Shaq’s there, that’s neat. Some filler dancing and cuts when they cut back to the graveyard reinforcing that is it a graveyard for dead memes which I have problem with, because that would insinuate that ‘All Star’ died this year. No, it didn’t, and as long as Steve Harwell is still on God’s green earth no it won’t, yes its popularity has dulled but it was actually a meme that just faded away, cropping up every once in a while, its survival is different to similar trends like ‘We Are Number One’ which can make people I know physically wince when heard. All star didn’t die, it’ll be back if it even left in the first place. More vloggers and traditionally attractive people flash by as a whole recap happen of the torment thrusted upon me. The last live action sketch is Lele and her friend greet the non-youtuber rounding out the production. The credits are actually the best part of this however as we see different pseudo-animators (think more odd1s out, less Psychicpebbles), such as Extra Credits, Tabbes, Jaidenanimation, Odd1sout, Rebecca Parham, ItsAlexClark and Simon’s cat. Though their subject matter is just as pander-y shite as the whole vid you can see the effort in their animation and it’s nice to see that youtube finally removed the dildo it has been shoving up most youtube animator’s asses for the last 3-5 years (but by ‘removed’ I really mean they just slapped a sign on it that says ‘here at YouTube, we love our animators!’ and pretend they solved the problem.

Dead fucking memes/(hate to use the phrase but) irrelevancy

The Dab, fidget spinners, shooting stars with more probably but it was hard to see during my stroke, point is, YouTube is out of touch and has zero self-awareness when it comes to memes and trends

I know the word sounds pretentious as hell but seriously, here’s a my honest-to-god reaction of who I saw on screen

·         Not a youtuber

·         Not a youtuber

·         Don’t know

·         Don’t know

·         Despactio guy 1

·         Don’t know *3

·         Despacito guy 2: electric boogaloo

·         Don’t know *2

·         Don’t know *2

·         Don’t know *2

·         Dj boi

·         Vannos

·         Don’t Know *4 Ft. Lincoln

·         Don’t know *3

·         Quick flashes of the great unknown

·         KSI and his favourite toy (not counting NetNobody’s dick)

·         Don’t know *6 (Empire was better)

·         Another 3 I don’t know but there is that one guy who screams a lot, think his names guacamole or something

·         @rhettandlink and another guy, classic trio

·         Don’t know*2

·         Don’t know*slime

·         Don’t know* rhinestone

·         Hey, its @a-kind-ale-war

·         Africa – Toto

·         Slo mo guys among the dead meme cosmos

·         Otherwise, you guessed it, no clue

·         Don’t know * field

·         Don’t know any of the eclipse crew

·        @caseyneistat

·         God’ wrath in the form of comets coming to smite us as failed creations

·         YouTube Is Shutting Down My Channel and I'm Not Sure What To Do

·         His beautiful bastards (nameless in my lack of knowledge)

·         6 zombies that died in obscurity, nameless and unknown, ‘tis a shame

·         Why I left Smosh

·         The cosmos of people I don’t know

·         KSI’s brother

·         Poppy

·         A DC lawsuit

·         Mooooooooorrrrrreeeeee spaaaaaaccceeeee

·         A youtube circle jerk of self-righteousness (more on that later)

·         People holding hands

·         The shitty vine family

·         Team 10 bitch who the hell are flipping you

·         The other one

·         Shitty IG ‘Comedy’ Squad

·         Black guys and backpack kid (Note: another good band name, though it needs tweaking)

·        @thetomska getting face fucked

·         Victims of the great slime massacre (slime control now!)

·         Old guy from react

·         Don’t know*roof party

·         Every teenage girls wet dream/gay ship

·         Daniel Keem saying floor is lava

·         Lava victims

·         A very cold rapper

·         Don’t know but has a sword

·         More zombie boys

·         A cluster of people 2012

·         Forehead in the back again (sorry jack)

·         @markiplier

·         Why I gave the pope Undertale

·         A finale of people I don’t know being absorbed by the cosmos

·         Neato mosquito animators

As you can see a good majority of the stars I doubt much people know, probably only chosen for the brand friendliness which begs the question…

Exclusions/double standards

A lot of people were excluded from this year’s rewind, which isn’t a surprise in the slightest. This issue was brought up last year as well, but with this year it showcases some hypocrisy with possible reasons to exclude folks. Firstly, KSI, he had the whole beef with NetNobody (the greatest Minecraft youtuber there is) but Netnobody was excluded, it couldn’t be numbers or presence as before retiring, Adam had about 11 million subs, maybe he declined, like most sane people would, or maybe because he neither pulls the views or the family friendly influence that he used to. Its safe to assume Ricegum and IDubbbz got rejected by choice, again sanity, or because of their beef, which is again hypocritical of the site as KSI was allowed on fine and Keem along with the Paul brothers aren’t the angels of Youtube either. Again, it seems YouTube is really trying to push this family friendly goofball persona which is perfect for the weird kids and the cool kids which is true but is only really surface level in the rewind and the reality isn’t really shown otherwise. Also fuck that Nazi racist Pewdiepie amirite ladies?

Hurricane Harvey debacle

I believe this is honestly the most insulting aspect of the rewind. Though it had good intentions it just highlights YouTube’s utter ignorance. Not to pull a PJW but this is dictionary definition virtue signalling. Youtube makes themselves out to be all together, yes youtube, you are the most influential platforms of our generation, cat videos and make-up vlogs can save the world! In all seriousness though this is one of the most botched poorly executed thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m counting HWNDU. For one thing the tone and flow is horrible, the segment is frankenstiened into the middle of the video and puts a halt on the relatively well paced video, and is followed by a radical hip and swaggity dance party yeah! As if the whole was a task by the team and when they were down with it they thought; “right, that’s over with. Back to the fun and cool stuff yeah!” if they kept the pace by putting the thing just before the credits as to highlight the message at the end and while everyone’s lifted by the message they’re treated to the credits and the talents of the wonderful animators. However, that would only make the segment flow correctly as, in my opinion, it comes off as quite nepotistic to big creators. A method they could’ve done is before they filmed or edited anything they could’ve announced to fans and viewers to send in webcam clips and videos of them holding hands in unity or saying unity, showing a UNITY between fans and creators. That said this brings me to my conclusion;

 Conclusion

Youtube doesn’t want to be youtube, it wants to be a family and advertiser friendly site for all to come, it wants to be seen as a beacon for ALL internet trends and ideas and it wants to be seen as a user and creator friendly platform. But youtube isn’t this, and youtube hates that. This year has seen the worst year in the sites history for user treatment and contact showing double standards with actual users and companies such as talk show hosts, with things like the adpocolypse rumoured trending tab rigging and trending tab blacklists. Along with this is the, as I said, nepostistic outlook on creators, with youtube success being less and less consistency based and more and more luck based on one video blowing up and staying that way, and trending (along with youtube in general), should facilitate a rise in creators and ideas instead of promoting channels who already have 5-6 million subs and censoring a lot of voice directly or indirectly. With no other options for video site (realistically, nobody uses vimeo or dailymotion and fucking rip vidme) youtube’s current state is more dire than ever and their push for a false identity within an identity crisis for the site is very obvious. This alongside their cowardice and compliance with controversy like in the nazi Pewds situation is showing to be really damaging.

Tl;dr: get a fucking backbone youtube and stop pretending to be something that you’re not.

[serensama]

To Misunderstand #3

Jaehee and MC… how are you going to figure this one out?

This will include

1)    Profanity

This will most likely be the shortest of the bunch because it’s Jaehee, the most pragmatic and understanding of the lot of them. I cannot see her letting something like this carry on for more than a minute before rectifying the situation.

The noisy din of people chatting, laughing, clinking their cups on their saucers filled the quaint coffee shop. The sound of the coffee machine never stopping, the clicking of heels on the floor and the ring of the cash register creating a lovely ambiance for everyone basking in their Sunday afternoon… but it was all white noise to MC. She couldn’t hear, or see or feel or taste… nothing. 

Everything was bland. Everything was blank. 

Lying down on the sofa in her joint office with Jaehee, MC could barely contain her disdain for it all. Everything was a struggle, everything hurt, everything was meaningless. Nothing mattered to her as soon as she got that call three days ago, the call that confirmed that for the third time- she was not pregnant.

Thinking about how excited they had been when it all started, how ready they were to do anything to conceive no matter what suffering or sacrifice they needed to endure- they would do it. When MC had come to Jaehee with her dreams of being a mother Jaehee seemed more than receptive to it. Although expressing that she did not want to carry a child, she would love to see MC become pregnant or become parents through adoption. Although ever since MC was a small girl and watched her aunts get pregnant and saw them rubbing at their stomachs with such affection, she knew someday she’d want to carry a baby herself. To feel that connection with the life growing inside of her, to earn her stripes from the stretch marks she’d get from their child’s growing body and just to be the one to physically bring the child into the world… these were all things she’d been dreaming of for over 20 years- and it seemed more than apparent that they would never come to pass.

MC didn’t think she had it in her to try for a fourth time, her body sore and tired from all the tests and injections- but more than that she couldn’t handle hearing the doctors keep telling her ‘No’. No other pain could compare to that; each time they said their empathetic apologies and their assurances that the “next time” will definitely work, a piece of her heart broke off. She didn’t think she had much left at this rate… she just had to accept the idea that she was just not meant to be a mother. However someone did that. She did not know.

Swiping angrily at a stray tear that fell down her cheek, MC huffed out an annoyed blast of air from her mouth- annoyed at herself for getting her hopes up again when she knew deep down that it would just not happen for them.

Beside her on the floor her bag started vibrating, jolting MC out of her dazed state. Reaching down and pulling up the bag to rest on her stomach, MC used both hands to start delving into her belongings to find the missing phone and sure enough just as her fingers found the device, the caller hung up. Typical. Sighing as she unlocked her phone, MC swiped across the voicemail icon that flashed on her screen. Bringing the phone to her ear she looked around the room as she started to listen to the message… blah blah blah Dr so and so… sorry to inform you… blah… blah… what…

MC pulled the phone away from her ear and let her eyes scan over the little black mobile in her hand. Rewinding the voicemail, she placed the audio on speaker to make sure she heard everything correctly.

“Hello MC, this is Dr Park from the IVF clinic. There’s been a terrible mistake. I’m so sorry to inform you that the tests that were delivered to us were incorrectly labelled. The negative results were not yours but another couples. Your results came in today and I am happy to announce that in 9 months’ time you will have your baby, congratulations MC and Jaehee, you’re pregnant! You’re going to be parents! Please contact me as soon as you can-”

MC paused and rewound the recording more than ten times, listening to the magical words that made her heart want to beat again. “You’re going to be parents,” she would whisper along like it was her favourite scene in a movie, “You’re going to be parents.”

A small tingle fluttered in her chest before blooming out and turning into utter rapture running through her body. The tips of her hair to the soles of her feet were tingling with joy- her skin buzzing with excitement, her lips trembling with happiness. Dropping her bag back onto the floor still holding onto her phone, MC scrambled up to her feet. She rushed down the hall to the front where she knew Jaehee and the other employees would be serving the midday influx of customers. Standing in the doorway just out of Jaehee’s peripheral vision, MC took a moment to look over her partner. She was so proud of her, this woman of hers- they’d built everything together from the ground up and she was doing everything she could to give their business more than 100%. Whenever MC would get worried for her she’d smile fondly and wave away at her concerns, explaining that Jumin used to make her work harder and for things she never loved- not like her, not like their business.

Almost taking one step forward and calling out her lover’s name, MC’s good news was halted by the hushed and sombre tones that Jaehee and her employee were using in order to talk to one another. The employee, Ji Woo, was making a fresh sandwich for a customer while Jaehee took a quick break to stand beside the lanky man. 

“So how are you taking everything Boss?” he asked as he sliced the bread roll open without even looking at it, his seasoned hands just naturally knowing when to stop. Jaehee stiffened before she looked away, tying up her hair to give her hands something to do. “I’m… I’m actually ok. It’s MC that I’m worried about… she really wanted this baby…” she said, her eyes swinging to the floor, her head bent down in shame. Ji Woo laughed ambivalently, “You sound as if you didn’t want it,” he accused half seriously, not expecting the smaller woman to agree with him. 

“You’re right. I… I didn’t want the baby… definitely not as much as MC. But I wanted her to be happy and a baby would have made her happy,” Jaehee paused as she turned to assist him making sandwiches. “You see… You have to realise that the coffee shop while steady isn’t going as great as I’d like it to be doing; with other competitors around us it’s difficult to lure in new customers. That coupled with the multiple treatments and failed tries I just don’t think we can afford to try again… or even afford a baby at this point at all. It’s just been… one really crazy ride,” she uttered as she continued slicing into the freshly baked bread, slice after slice… to mirror the gashes she cut into her partner’s heart. MC stood paralysed at the door unable to make a sound, unable to draw breath. 

The phone in her hand clattered to the floor, cracking the screen audibly, loud enough to startle Jaehee and Ji Woo. Jaehee watched as MC’s eyes began to fill with shining tears, her nose starting to turn red and her lips parting. MC raised her shaking hand to her still her lips, to try to hide her shock and her pain to no avail. It was plain as day that the woman was about to cry. Jaehee felt something in her chest constrict as she watched MC try to rein in her emotions in front of her- what was wrong? What else had happened to make her girlfriend cry like this? Wasn’t it enough that she had to go through another failed attempt?

Setting her bread knife aside and tugging at her apron strings, the brunette walked towards MC slowly as to not frighten her, her hands up in a placating manner like she was approaching a scared animal. She watched as the emotional woman bit harshly at her bottom lip, the blood quickly rushing out leaving the flesh white as bone. As Jaehee took a step forward, MC took a step back unnerving the her- why was she scared? What was wrong?

MC released a sharp exhale from her mouth, her eyes once distraught suddenly brimming to life with fury and accusation, her mind reeling from the thoughts racing through it. She never wanted this baby? She let me go through all that over and over again only for it to be completely one sided? She feels relieved that I couldn’t manage to hold our baby? She’s happy that I’ve managed to unburden her… that’s all I… we are to her. A financial burden. No more.

“Did you mean it?” she asked quietly barely over a whisper, causing her lover to strain her ears to hear it. Stepping closer to her Jaehee had to question what she meant, mean what? “Did you mean it?” MC repeated with acid dripping from her tongue and her eyes turning into piercing slits. “That you didn’t want me to be pregnant? That it was a relief for you? All because we weren’t as busy as that chain store down the road? That you let me put myself through hell for our child but I was all alone in wanting them! DID YOU MEAN IT?!” she probed her voice progressively growing louder and shriller as she continued, her chest heaving with emotion.

Jaehee stood there absolutely stupefied at what came flying out of MC’s mouth- where was this coming from? From what she had just overheard? Could she really have… did she really… Jaehee sighed as she pressed one hand to her forehead, the stirrings of a headache forming behind her eyes. Trying to corral her girlfriend into the back office was almost impossible, the woman now bordering on hysterical and attracting the attention of all the customers and staff in the stop. Her hands slapping away at Jaehee’s whenever they’d find purchase on her clothes or person, like a feral cat hissing and spitting at their rescuer when finally trapped.

“No! Don’t fucking touch me! Just answer me already Jaehee! Is it true- tell me because if it is this is over- this is so fucking over right now! -” she shrieked already trying to get to the front door past her. Finally, Jaehee had heard enough, using her faster reflexes she took MC by the tops of her arms and shook her a couple of times firmly to force her to listen. “MC! Out the back, now! We will continue on with this conversation in private!” she ground out, her jaw set and angry. MC thoroughly shocked at her girlfriend’s sudden change in demeanour followed her commands without question, looking over her shoulder a couple of times to confirm if what just happened truly did occur. 

When their office door clicked shut, Jaehee finally took the chance to inhale. Looking around their charming coffee shop she could see and feel every set of eyes on her; gathering up what little courage she had left she bowed deeply to the North, East and West of the building repeatedly apologising for interrupting them and that she hoped for their continued patronage as well as their forgiveness. 

Bowing as she exited Jaehee felt for the door handle behind her and quickly opened the door to make her retreat. Spinning around she could hear MC pacing back and forth in their humble office, one hand scrunching at her apron the other in her mouth, her teeth tearing away at the already shortened nails- a horrible habit she had whenever she was anxious… or sad. However right at that moment, Jaehee didn’t care if she was anxious or sad or elated or furious- she had no right to come out and start attacking her in public like that, no right to jeopardise their business, no right airing out their dirty laundry to complete strangers. She clenched her fists and relaxed them over and over to collect herself, letting the silence between them grow thicker and more palpable; their tensions rising along with the clacking of MC’s heels against the tile.

“What the hell was that about MC?” Jaehee asked after an eternity of silence causing MC to pause abruptly. She didn’t answer but only continued to glare at the other woman with such malice Jaehee could have sworn she’d have been hospitalised for a week if looks could kill. “Are you going to tell me-” she started only to be interrupted by MC talking over her.

“Were you going to tell me?!” she spat folding her arms against her chest defensively, her chin rising high in the air, “-were you ever going to tell me how you truly felt Jaehee? Maybe when I was in the delivery room? Or maybe on their third birthday? Or one day would we just wake up with you gone and a note saying ‘sorry’ and that would be it? How could you… how could you say those things Jaehee? How?!” she pleaded trying to wrap her mind around everything that had happened in the last five minutes. Last week she learnt wasn’t going to be a mother, ten minutes ago she learnt was going to be a mother and seconds ago she learnt she was bound to be a single mother. There wasn’t much more she could take but she steeled herself to hear her lover’s explanation. She had to know. “Why did you tell him that you were happy that I wasn’t pregnant Jaehee…” she breathed, all fight leaving her.

MC watched as Jaehee clasped her hands together at the front of her, her delicate fingers threaded together tightly, her nails digging into the skin. Walking towards her desk Jaehee pushed the chair back before sitting in it carefully ensuring her eyes never made contact with her distressed girlfriend’s. MC could feel her irritation grow at Jaehee’s overly measured movements and cautious silence, opening her mouth to start voicing it only to stop when she heard Jaehee murmur something. 

“What?” she asked crassly, uncrossing her arms in a huff as she made her way to the desk as well, leaning against the edge to glower over her seated partner. Jaehee looked up at her suddenly and MC was taken aback by what she saw- her beautiful honeyed eyes were filled with tears. “No- No! You don’t get to cry and get out of what you said Jaehee! I heard you! Ji Woo heard you! Why would you say these things and think that you could get away with it?” she pressed on, smacking her open palm against the table to punctuate her point.

“I… I didn’t,” Jaehee said weakly as she wiped away at the tears that fell on her face, cringing as MC snorted in derision at her.

“What are you talking about Jaehee I heard every word you said! I was less than 2 feet away from you!” she snarled throwing her hands up in the air. “You can’t lie to me about this!”

Jaehee winced as she tried to summon the words she had been trying so hard to repress for months now. With every try, with every negative result and with every time she comforted MC through her rough recovery of both body and mind… she repressed those words. Her mouth trembled and her hands flew up to clamp it shut as a high keening sob escaping her fingers.

“I’m not l-lying to you MC,” she wept as MC rolled her eyes at her first words, only to be stilled by her next. “I was lying to myself.” MC let her eyes fall onto the other woman, looking so tiny and tired in the chair in front of her. Not wanting to interrupt her she remained silent to hear the rest of her account. “If I tell others that I’m happy then… I’m happy. If I tell others that I’m relieved then I’m relieved. If I tell others it’s because we can’t afford it any m-more than that’s why we can’t do it and for no other reason. If can convince myself that logically we’re not meant to have a baby, then I don’t have to hear to voices screaming in my head… screaming at me that I’m not going to be a mo-mother again… that you’re not going to be a mother again… I can convince myself that this is OK.”

MC felt her grip on the desk falter as she slipped forward pushing papers and receipts from their organised piles, Jaehee quick to catch her in her arms to steady her. MC could feel Jaehee’s fingers twirl in her hair and her grip into her back as if she was terrified to let her go. Maybe she was. Lifting her arms to wrap around her she found her own fingers bundled into her girlfriend’s dark dress, her face buried in her hair and neck as she tried her best to hide her tears.

All this time- how could she forget? How could she wallow in her own despair and not remember her partner? The rock that kept her going? The person who got her up every day and showered and fed her… somehow kept the business running and paid all the bills as she stayed in bed in grief? The person who held on to her as she cried or hummed to her when she lay in her own hell? Jaehee. She had forgotten about Jaehee.

“Baby I’m so sorry!” she wept as both women climbed upon the desk, unwilling to let the oak get in between them any longer. “I forgot your feelings… your needs! I only heard my own cries… we were meant to be in in this together and I left you first, no wonder you’re so relieved not to have children with me!” MC cried, her voice muffled by Jaehee’s shoulder. Pulling her closer to herself, Jaehee coiled her legs about MC’s body to cocoon her with her own.

“Honey… no. No that’s not it at all… please don’t ever think that,” she cooed into her ear as she rocked them back and forth. “I understand everything you’re feeling because I feel it too… but to know that your body could have held life, our child’s life and for it to keep coming back negative- I could never understand that. All I could do is be there for you the best I could… keep from you whatever I could to make it easier on you. I didn’t want you to think I was so torn up about not having children… I wanted to keep you from destroying yourself… MC all I really need is you- we can figure out everything else,” she soothed as she ran her fingers through MC’s tangled hair.

Rearranging themselves so they lay side by side on the large desk with their feet dangling at one end, the women held on to each other as they cried together tears of sadness and regret, as well as tears of relief and comfort. More than an hour had gone by before their tears had dried and their arms long numb from their embrace. Sliding off the desk Jaehee moved to stand in between MC’s legs, her fingers trailing up and down the tops of her thighs in a calming rhythm. Resting her forehead against hers and rubbing the tips of their noses together, Jaehee pressed a sweet, chaste kiss against MC’s mouth.

“Are we going to be alright MC?” she asked quietly, already knowing the answer but seeking to hear it from her beloved’s lips. “Yes, yes of course Jaehee,” she replied smiling as a tear induced hiccup squeaked through her voice.

“Never again MC, I’ll tell you everything up front- I don’t want to hurt you like this again. I don’t want some misunderstanding to stain our relationship,” Jaehee stated adamant that they’d get everything right this time around. “But know that even with what I said earlier- that I don’t expect you to go through the whole process again. It’s too much, I can’t see you like that again. Let’s adopt- I know how much you wanted biological children but-”

“We’re pregnant!” she blurted out accidentally. The whole speech and lead in to ease her girlfriend into the notion completely escaping her. MC observed Jaehee’s face contort from surprise to confusion to scepticism to joy when she realised that MC was not playing some cruel joke on her. Stepping back suddenly with both hands covering her opened mouth, her eyes wide and happy, Jaehee screamed. Unable to contain herself she started bouncing on her feet before rushing back up to MC to scoop her up into a flurry of kisses, her lipstick marking her lips, her eyes and cheeks- anywhere the woman could reach! Falling back slightly Jaehee lay both of her hands flat against her stomach reverently unable to wipe the smile on her face.

“Y…You mean in here… right now- RIGHT NOW- our baby is here with us right now?!” she cried, more tears coming to her unbidden as her teeth grazed her bottom lip in excitement. MC found she couldn’t speak with her acute onset of delight and nodded enthusiastically, placing her hands on top of Jaehee’s, her thumbs circling the smooth skin she found there. Leaning in to kiss her quickly and then her stomach, Jaehee tore the door open and skidded onto the floor of the coffee shop, grabbing onto a random customer to right herself, before jumping on them to hug them much to their surprise. MC followed her partner much slower and much calmer and laughed as she watched the scene unfold.

“E-Everybody! Everybody! We’re pregnant! MC and I- we are pregnant! We’re going to have a baby!” she shouted as she twirled happily incapable to holding in her exhilaration. “Everybody gets a slice of cake to celebrate with us! Please! Help us celebrate!” she cried as she ran towards the cake cabinet and started cutting a massive slice of MC’s favourite cake. The crowd in the coffee shop clapped and hooted and offered their congratulations to the beaming couple and thanked them heartily for the free sweets.

Jaehee couldn’t hear anything else over MC’s laughter, couldn’t feel anything over the tingling of her skin whenever she touched MC’s belly and couldn’t think of how anything could make her happier than how she felt right then. MC couldn’t see anything but how wide Jaehee was smiling, couldn’t taste anything but the after taste of joy in saying they would finally be mothers on her tongue- and she could smell it in the air, a kind of electricity or excitement, coffee and Jaehee’s perfume… that was the smell of her family. Swallowing the cake, MC leant in to kiss Jaehee, sharing and savouring the sweetness between them.  

Everything was shiny and brilliant and radiant. Everything was going to be alright.

[sugary-shot]

Beautiful Liar, a Kuroko no Basuke fanfiction

Summary: What happens when the person you cherish so much leaves you in the darkness? You’re falling down, no one to catch you down there and no one to hold your hand to prevent you from falling down the endless dark pit. You’re sinking in quick sand, drowning in the darkest place in the sea. And that’s what happened to Kuroko Tetsuya.He loved each and every one of the Generation of Miracles, and yet they treated him like garbage- playing him for their own sick amusement. After realising that he wasn’t meant to be by their side anymore, he broke. He turned, walked away;And committed suicide.The Generation of Miracles knew they were wrong. Heck, they wanted to rewind time and slap their past selves for being so inconsiderate for their beloved phantom’s feelings. But no one can rewind time, no matter how many times you beg; the clock won’t tick backwards.Five years later, their former manager drags all of them to a boy band concert. As the concert starts, they all see their precious former teammate on stage, singing. Kuroko Tetsuya was still alive, but what happens when he doesn’t remember any of them?

Chapter 4: Bitter Truth

Hearing a knock on the door, Yuki rose from his seat and walked towards the only entrance to his house, mumbling about how late it was. He had just came back from practice, and when he did, he found out that his parents — who were supposed to come back for his birthday — had to stay in Canada for a few more months due to work. He hasn't seen them for five months, his house's occupants were only him and a few maids and butlers they hired. Although he was quite close with most of them, it still didn't change the fact that his parents were going to miss his birthday for the fourth year in a row. To summarise, he wasn't in a good mood.

Opening the door, he found a crying Tetsuya in front of him. His jaw almost dropped as the younger boy let go of his things and leaned towards the elder male, gripping his shirt tightly. "Yuki-kun, what did I do wrong?" He whimpered, his voice hoarse from crying since god knows how long. Yuki could only wrap his arms around the petite boy, pulling him into a tight embrace and whispering reassuring words in his ear. "It's freezing outside, let's get you inside. I'll ask Shigure to make some tea." Kuroko didn't answer.

He narrowed his eyes at the sight of the second youngest member of the group. Tetsuya rarely showed any emotions, let alone let anyone see him so heartbroken. Yuki knew exactly why the latter didn't let his emotions out; he knew how to hide them too well because of his family. It wasn't just him, it was Takumi as well. The twins were a master at hiding their true feelings, something that he always listed it under the troublesome category. Shaking his head, not wanting to even think about the wretched Kuroko family, he held the bluenette in his arms and ushered him inside.

Tetsuya is a precious child. Although he came from a rich environment, he didn't gloat, he didn't stood out, he wasn't even visible sometimes. He was a silent boy, he was always left behind, always forgotten by his friends and sometimes even by his teachers. The only teacher that remembered him was his Japanese Literature teacher, due to the fact that Tetsuya was the best out of the best in his class.

He was the complete opposite of his brother.

Takumi, on the other hand, was absolutely stunning. In that school, he was the best out of the best in all of his classes, a complete teacher's pet. He was popular in and out of class; the whole school knows his name. He was also the student council president. He was just.. perfect. The two didn't attend the same school, though; Tetsuya attended Teiko Middle School whilst Takumi attended Tokyo Private School.

Although they were very different, they were also very alike. There's no need to talk about their looks – they're twins for goodness sake. Their personality, for instance;  both of them are quiet and organised. Both of them look out for each other and scold the latter whenever the former did something wrong.

He remembered the first time they met; oh, how he disliked the memory. He was scouted when he was five by someone who introduced themselves as the agency's A&R, and was an idol in training for a few years until he was called to the President's room. Yuki wasn't that good, but he always landed in the top 20 out of 100 students.

When he entered the room, he found a few more kids that he recognised were also idols in training, and there were the twins. The two brothers would always be the first and second best students, everyone liked them except the ones who despised people who were better than them. Yuki remembered some students bad-mouthed about the twins. The Kuroko family is a well-known family in the Entertainment Industry, and there were rumours going around about the family bribing the teachers to make sure the twins would always land first and second place. At some point, Yuki believed them – but stopped when he saw with his own eyes how talented the siblings were.

When the President announced that he was going to form a group with the four students — which consisted of Seiji, the so-called 'mom friend', Shiro, the baby and the demon twins, — Yuki felt like he wanted to scream. No, not because of happiness; but because he saw Takumi snickering from the corner of his eye. He was about to growl at the other, but was stopped when the latter's face made contact with his twin's book. "Stop laughing, you disgrace of a brother." This time, it was Yuki's time to snicker.

Yuki and Tetsuya got along fairly quickly due to them sharing common interests, but him and Takumi took a longer time to get used with each other's presence. Truthfully, Takumi was quite annoying at first. Whenever the latter wanted to hang out with Tetsuya, his bloody brother would get in-between them and say that 'he didn't want to be left out'. Warming up to Seiji wasn't that difficult since they were acquainted even before they were scouted. Shiro.. Well, it took him a while to get used to his pathetic cries which adults found 'adorable'. Eventually, Yuki realised why Takumi was so overly protective of his younger brother; when their puppy — a small husky they found on the way back from piano lessons, per Takumi — who Tetsuya loved deeply died from getting run over by a car, Tetsuya broke.

Just like glass, Tetsuya was fragile. When they saw the poor pup whimpering in pain, Tetsuya was a crying mess. He kept asking the dog to not go, to stay at least for a little while longer. The pained face he had on was something Yuki prayed he'd never see again. It was painful seeing his friend like that. The dog died there; the animal ambulance that Takumi probably called was a second too late. That night, in their dorm, Yuki couldn't sleep at all as he heard Tetsuya's soft sobs. In the end, he slept together with the latter, and met with a furious Takumi the next morning who kept going on and on about how he took "Tetsuya's purity" along with some other rubbish he didn't actually care about, much less remember it.

Right now at this very moment, Tetsuya looked just as broken as he was a few years ago. Yuki guessed the boy who he recently hooked up with was just as a bastard as the first and second, and was trying so hard to not beat the shit out of those so-called Miracles. He took his phone and called the other members, telling them about his situation. After twenty minutes or so, a limousine stopped in front of his house and Yuki guessed that it was the others; he was right.

The first person who barged in his house without even knocking was Takumi. Normally, the only child would sneer, telling them how it was rude and that it wasn't even their house – but this was different; he didn't have any rights to say anything. Not now, not when Tetsuya was so broken, not when the strongest person he knows is at his weakest, not when he was about to reach his breaking point.

Not now.

"Tetsuya," Takumi gently called, slowly walked towards his younger twin – kneeling down and cupping both of his cheeks with his hands. He wrapped his arms around him, letting his younger brother let out all the pent up frustration he had build up inside of him for weeks. Takumi felt himself shaking; he couldn't take it, to break his twin to this point? To see him in a crying mess? He had enough.

Before he opened his mouth to say anything, Seiji tapped on his shoulder and shook his head. The leader of the group immediately knew what he was going to say; I know you're angry, — I am too — but this isn't the time to let your emotions take over. Tetsuya needs you, give him that.

Later, Tetsuya fell asleep and the group stayed at Yuki's house for the night.

This beautiful lie, My one last lie to you, Even if it hurts, I hide myself under a mask to hide the truth.

The next day after school, the tealnette had to stay back because of the usual basketball practice. Honestly, without Aomine and/or Kise to pass to, he had no reason to go. He didn't have a partner to pass to, and since Akashi literally forbade him to practice dribbling and/or shooting, there was really nothing he could do other than stamina building practice – and there was no way in Hell he's going through that.

Kuroko sat down on the floor, his back leaning against the wall of the first gymnasium. He looked a bit out of it, eyes staring at the orange ball that rested between the palm of his hands, memories of playing together with Aomine and Kise flashed in his head, the time when he passed the ball to the ganguro, then watch in awe as he dunked the ball in one go. Or the time when he passed the ball and he heard a squeaky "Thanks, Kurokocchi!" before hearing the ball hit the rim of the hoop and going in-- Kuroko shook his head, No, this isn't the time to think about them. Tetsuya, just stop it.

Meanwhile, the Center of the Teiko basketball team sat on the bench, licking the lollipop he had bought from the school's convenience store earlier whilst looking around the first gym; his gaze landed on the bluenette whose head hung low and a basketball was tightly gripped between his two palms. He got up and walked towards the Phantom Sixth Man, stopping in front of him. "Kuro-chin~" He sing-sang, crouching down in front of the boy.

Kuroko, who was  still in his dilemma, jolted just slightly as he heard the nickname. He slowly lifted his head, staring at the teen who was hovering over him. "Ah, I didn't see you there, Murasakibara-kun," He tilted his head down slightly and apologetically. "Is there something you need?"

Murasakibara looked at his teammate, knelt down and slapped the ball out of the tealnette's hands — as if it was a steal — and pulled (dragged) him out of the gym. Kuroko could only stare at the taller figure in front of him, curious to why he even did those things. After all, Murasakibara was the last person he expected to do something so suddenly. But then, even if he resisted, there was no way he could away from the tight grip on his wrist.

After almost a five minute walk, they arrived at the third gym. The taller teen pulled the other inside, leaning against the wall as he hugged Kuroko tightly. The tealnette was about to ask Murasakibara what was wrong, but.. "Someone made Kuro-chin sad." Atsushi answered the unspoken question, running a hand through the blue locks.

"Kuro-chin's eyes looks dull as of late. Usually, they'd have the spark that would motivate anyone who looks into them – but now, they look different. It's like.. they have a look of longing of some sort." Murasakibara commented, though he wasn't even sure if he even managed to voice his thoughts correctly. Then, he let go of the bluenette and handed him a lollipop. "It's vanilla. You like vanilla sweets, right?"

Kuroko nodded as a response and unwrapped the sweet, closing his eyes as he licked it. "..Thank you," he murmured, looking to the side. Murasakibara hummed and ruffled his head, though his hand was slapped away by the smaller teen. "We might not agree on some things, but I like Kuro-chin; and I'll crush anyone who makes Kuro-chin sad."

For once, Kuroko was grateful he came to practice that day.

The two ended up staying there chit-chatting until practice ended. They did practice a little, but that was something that wasn't worth mentioning about. Kuroko had learned things that he didn't know about Murasakibara; like how he was the youngest child in his family and yet the tallest, how he was actually good in making pastry rather than cooking and a lot more. Murasakibara on the other hand, found out that Kuroko actually had a twin and used to have a dog, and his favourite subject was actually Music, not Literature. "Then why didn't you join the Orchestra Club or the Music Club?" Murasakibara had questioned him. "Well, I made a promise with someone. A promise we swore we would fulfill," the boy answered.

The two went back home together but parted ways soon after, Murasakibara saying he wanted to stop by the convenience store on the way back home. When Kuroko was sure no one was watching him, he made a quick call for his driver to come and get him. During the whole ride home, he wondered if Takumi was still bothered because of yesterday. They didn't speak much before they went to school since all of them needed to get ready.

Staring outside the window, a sigh escaped his lips. Takumi was right, dating the Miracles was a wrong idea. His older brother always had this kind of hatred towards his light ― well, former light ― before though it wasn't as big compared to his dislike to the blond model. I have to apologise to Takumi when I get back.

After a fifteen minute drive, he arrived at the estate. Kuroko thanked the driver and went inside, his arrival welcomed by his personal butler; Aki. "You've finally come home, young master."

"Please don't make it sound like I left for a year without any notice, Aki. And cut the 'young master' nonsense, we've been friends since we were kids and hearing you call me young master sends a shiver down my spine," Tetsuya frowned, the man in his early twenties laughed. "Alright, alright. I'll stop. Your brother is upstairs drowning himself with work again, by the way."

"That good for nothing.." Tetsuya sighed, taking off his blazer and handing it to Aki along with his school bag. He made his way to his brother's bedroom, opening the door without even bother to knock. "Hey," he called, "are you really that stupid to drown yourself in that rubbish?"

Takumi was silent as he looked into the documents in his hand. "Tetsuya, be a dear and help me with this rubbish, then. Our lovely father  wants me to send these via email by tomorrow afternoon. I'll have to be his proxy for the red carpet next week, so I don't have too much time in my hands to play around."

"Don't we have practice tomorrow?" The younger Kuroko frowned; well, his father had some loose screws. "Alright, I'll help. What do I need to do?" Takumi began to sort out the documents and handed them to Tetsuya, and the phantom turned to do it in his room. Opening the door, he stopped his tracks before calling his brother's name. "Takumi?"

"Yes?" The twin stopped typing and took off his glasses, turning to the door. "Tetsuya?"

"Thank you, for letting me help you. And I'm sorry for not listening to your advises."

Takumi sat there stunned; did Tetsuya literally thanked  him? Before he could utter a reply, the younger brother had bid him goodnight and left the bedroom.

It's alright if you leave my side, I just want you to live your life, Oh I'm, I'm a beautiful, I'm a beautiful liar..

As days passed, Kuroko became busier and busier until he didn't have time for hangouts anymore. With his schedule packed, he didn't even have time to think about anything else. His parents were coming back from Australia in two more weeks, his debut as an idol was right after the Winter Cup, and the Winter Cup was six weeks away. Of course, he had severed ties with Aomine, Kise and Midorima; using his misdirection to run away from them. A coward, he knew. But since they didn't need him, then he didn't need them.

He had been practicing with the other members of the basketball club just for fun, although he didn't feel the same excitement he used to feel whenever he practiced with the Generation of Miracles. But since he didn't want Akashi to say that he was slaking off or anything, he had to accept it.

He was currently taking a break from practice, air he desperately needed rushing in and out of his lungs. He noticed Murasakibara was just sitting on the benches and was about to ask him to join them when the titan suddenly got up and left the gym. Kuroko assumed he wanted to buy more snacks, so he decided to leave him be and just ask him later when he comes back.

He didn't.

After a few days, the two started to get.. distant. Every time Kuroko tried to talk to him, Murasakibara would just shrug it off and walk away. He wondered if he did anything wrong, so he asked someone who he really could trust; Momoi Satsuki. Momoi was the manager of the team, so of course she'd know something like this, right?

"Eh, about Mukkun?" The manager turned her head from the papers she was reading, now looking straight into the ocean blue eyes she came to adore since their first meeting. "Yes, he's not acting himself lately. Do you know why?" Kuroko asked, and the girl frowned, crossing her arms to think of anything that might have triggered him to skipping practice. "I'm not sure myself, Tetsu-kun, but.. He's moving to Akita after school ends, and.." She turned away, hesitating to say it; "He told Akashi-kun that he was going to stop coming to practices because of Aomine-kun – Tetsu-kun, are you alright?"

Tetsuya remained unmoved as he stared at the floor, the words from the girl replaying in his head again and again.

Moving? Akita? Stop coming to practice?

Why?

He thanked the manager and ran to the first place he thought where the basketball player would be; the convenience store. It was the store they all used to go as a team, where Kuroko met Momoi, where they celebrated Kise getting into the first string. As soon as he arrived, he found the other coming out of the store, a box of Maiubo in his hands.

"Why?" He asked. "Why didn't you tell me? Aren't we friends?" Kuroko was now on the verge of crying. Everyone was leaving. His friends, his family,

Everyone.

"Because it wasn't important." Was Atsushi's reply. "It's not like we're never going to meet again. We'll meet again next year in the Inter High and Winter Cup." He said, opening the box and stuffing the maiubo inside his mouth.

"But I'm not--" he stopped talking, taking a few steps back. Hot tears were now falling down his cheeks. He felt dizzy. His chest was hurting him. He couldn't breathe right. His heart began to throb, it hurt him so much to the point he fell to his knees.

You're not important.

Everyone abandoned you.

No one will be there for you.

You will always be alone.

Always.

Just before he blacked out, he heard someone calling him from the behind. He knew it wasn't Murasakibara, because he was in front of him and

Was

Walking

Away..?

I think it's time for me to give my heart to you, The fact that we loved is still beautiful.

≤ First ¦ « Previous ¦ Next »

[alittlepainisworthit]

So this isn’t abuse?

So it’s come to my attention that people in my family seem to think that my verbally and physically abusive step mother “isn’t as messed up as [I] make her out to be. So I’m going to do what I’ve been meaning to do for a long time and recap every instance I can remember and/or have flashbacks frequently over: 

The beginning: 

1. She beat my brother over lima beans and force fed him and entire plate (they’re literally his most hated food). 

2. She told my brother and I frequently that our deceased mother’s family was disgusting and we always “act like them when we visit them” 

3. She cut off all of my long hair because she said “I walked around like I was too good for everyone else” 

4. She told me multiple times after I would cry for my mom that “I just needed to grow up and get over it and move on” 

5. She would beat my brother for wetting the bed, and having a nervous stomach that made him vomit involuntarily. 

6. Reminded us constantly of the sexual abuse my brother and myself went through with a family member. 

7. She told me that I would be sacrificed on Halloween if I went outside because I had blonde hair and blue eyes. 

8. The constant belittling of everything we did and how we were “lazy” and “spoiled” and “ungrateful” 

9. The fact that she expected a 9 year old to handle all of the laundry for a family of 5. And would beat me when I didn’t do it “right”. 

10. The time she beat me because the teacher recommended I see a psychiatrist. And the psychiatrist put me on an antidepressant because I was 10, idk I guess depressed from all the abuse? and watching my mom die? Oh and she flushed the pills and cancelled the therapist. 

11. The time I got a beating for being “overly sexual” by eating a sucker the wrong way at a grocery store.

12. The times she made fun of the way I looked or that I was getting “fat” at age 11

The Middle: 

1. The time when she hit my brother so hard it left a massive bruise on his arm so we couldn’t go swimming when we went on vacation with my grandparents. What did he do? He didn’t rewind the VCR tape right. 

2. The time she told me that I should be a lane bryant model when I grow up because I was too fat to be a regular model. I was like 100lbs and 12. 

3. The time she told me I would go to hell if I didn’t ask forgiveness after each and every sin. 

4. The times she tried to make me hit my brother and belittle him, so maybe he would “get better” (I still apologize to him all the time) 

5. The times she called my best friend “stupid” and that I was stupid for hanging out with her so much. (She was literally my only friend)

6. The time she accused my brother of trying to kill our youngest brother by dropping him at the hospital. He was 6 and he got scared and let go but my dad was basically holding him. She then used this against him for years. 

The End: (High school) 

1. The time she beat me for asking to go to a supervised house party because the invitation said “kick-ass” 

2. The time I got screamed at because I was dating a boy and wanted to go to a dance. The 3 hour screaming lecture about how “God chose one somebody for you and you can’t just date anyone” 

3. The time a family member told her that anime and what I was drawing was witchcraft, so I got screamed at and all of my drawings were ripped up. 

4. The time the same family member told her that my friends were devil worshipers so I couldn’t be friends with them.

5. Then the myspace incident: I had secretly created a myspace page and my background was a generic anime girl and my name was some weeby cringe name. She found it one day and saw that I used the dame last name on my profile as my good friend that happened to be black. I was screamed at for 3 hours straight on the phone because I was on a church trip and not home. When I got home I was beat with a studded belt. I was told that if was even seen talking to my friends she would keep me home and I would never get to go to school. She had the cafeteria lady spy on me because they were friends. 

6. I got screamed at once and threatened to “beat the living daylights out of” because a kid from school mentioned to her that “I was that kid that could draw really good” and I wasn’t allowed to draw 

7.When I started dating another guy, she would lecture me for hours about how “God created only one person for you” and that we were “unequally yoked” because he was southern baptist and I was Pentecostal.

8. She accused me of having sex with said boy friend and would interrogate me by saying “you are aren’t you” for hours with me crying saying no

9. The time we were forced to move away my junior year of high school to “travel with my dad’s work” which ended up with us going to a private school where I was forced to wear ankle length skirts and have my hair up at all times. I couldn’t walk around town with pants on. I became so hopeless that I quit showering and I only ate. I gained 50 pounds. 

10. Because I gained 50 pounds she would remind me everyday 

11. The times when I did start to excersise she would ridicule me and laugh the entire time and watch me.

12. When I did lose weight "I thought I was better than everyone" and she frequently reminded me that "when I get older all of that was going away” 

13. At this time I had developed  a full blown binge/purge eating disorder and she would say things like “Oh did you drink a coke because you look bloated” 

14. The time she pulled a gun out and threatened to shoot herself in front of my brothers and me.

15. The time she accused me of being a slut because I was into japanese fashion.

16. The time she accused my brother of being a pervert and said he looked at our neighbors little girl in the pool. He didn’t he literally couldn’t see anything because he had his glasses off. 

17. The time she put me in a bad situation by getting me to go on a "date" with a man that was much older than me when I was 17, and he expected me to give him oral while he drove around. I was afraid, and so I did it.  

18. The time she slapped me for applying to college where my friends from high school would be going. And when my dad actually stood up for me she pinned me to the wall and got in my face and screamed that "if I ever got between her and her man again she would kill me"  

19. The time she beat me because she asked me to help her with the computer and I pushed the on button, and she took that as me "thinking I’m just too smart for everyone"  

20. The time she told me I was too stupid to get through college, and that it wasn't my place as a woman to go to college anyway.  

21. The time she slapped me in the face and pushed me to the ground and tried to fight me because I pushed her off my brother when she was about to hit him.  

22. The time when they left me in a city alone at 18 without telling me or stopping by to say goodbye.  

23. The time I thought I was away from everything when she would call me daily to nitpick everything I was doing. And then the time she told me that I was probably pregnant or had an STD from my prior boyfriend and that I was just going to ruin my bf at the time's life by coming back into it.  

24. The time that she made my brother believe he was going to prison for looking at “child porn” on the family computer (he wasn’t looking at child porn) and that he put a virus on the computer which SHE did. She had him so convinced he called me and told me he was going to kill himself. I drove there that next week and got him. 

So the good part of this story is that I got away, but I guess I really didn't get away because I still have nightmares that she's going to kill me or that she's going to hurt my brothers. I have severe anxiety that I cope with on a daily basis, and sometimes I relive all of these moments over in my head. So yea, I feel like she's just as "messed up" as I've said