#and thats why i make a point not to post too much venting. least of all abt personal rl stuff

[scapegoated-if]

im not saying this in a "i want Leon as an RO" way, i just wanted to babble and i hope this doesnt feel pressuring bc that is not what i want to do. i just wanted to share

but yeah i do enjoy daydreaming about him and my MC being very affectionate towards each other. just Leon feeling generally misunderstood (at least thats the vibe he gives off to me), but feeling like at least MC tries to understand him and generally succeeds with the efforts, esp if she loaned him the book. just casually leaning on her, or being quietly obnoxious by shifting his legs to be in her lap; taking her with to museums; being, not upset with the band's hiatus, but by not getting the promise to see MC reguarly and work with her; promising to call or send post-cards, maybe them being a bit of a Daisy and Simone with that "map of the world" monolog from Daisy Jones & The Six. but also if he wrote some unrequited love songs about the MC, i wouldnt be surprised, gotta give the Leon simps something in this measly hc scenario of mine i guess lmao

i think part of it being (a) really ironic for Vince to potentially be in love with someone who is "like Leon's kid sister", or just being easily charmed by her platonically yet repelled be Leon if his affection is non-romantic. i like the idea that Vince and Leon can never agree on anything besides the MC being good company. i think part of the allure is that, knowing the murders coming up and i assume MC being targetted at one point, under that daydream's scenario, that thered be the potential for a Leon-Vince truce under the name of worrying about her and wanting to see if she's okay

and (b) is because it immediately sets up this assumption that MC is usually their mediator (personality depending, but my MC definitely would have been). therefore, giving more credit to the assumptions the MC is sleeping with the band/breaking them up, and also setting up further How Done with this Vincent must be if none of the MC's usual peacekeeping has worked. and the MC does kind of act, narratively, like "part of why the band broke up" if both Vincent and Leon are in any way clingy or jealous in a "no, she's MY best friend" manner

and (c) is in case Leon dies. idk if you ever watched the show, Fraggle Rock from Jim Henson, but there's an episode where all the Fraggles mistakenly think Mokey died. and Red is just in shock going "No! No, she can't be dead! She isn't! She can't be dead because she's my best friend! She's my best friend!" before she found out Mokey is actually okay. and i think thatd be my MC's reaction to Leon dying due to all these hcs i do

for the record, i am also trying to come with hcs around my MC and Shiloh too, but im having more trouble with him, idk why though

but yeah, again, this isnt meant to be like "can MC and Leon be like this? 👉👈" bc i find that rude to request, you wrote what you wrote, i dont want to ask you to change things. im aware Leon's current distance with the MC in-game very much makes all my hcs into an au. i just like sharing my hcs for the sake of letting you know, in detail, how much this game's set up is already running rent free in my brain (lol) and bc, if i dont share with someone, im just gonna info-dump on my mama later probably and she deserves a break (ergo: need to vent this ramble somewhere, and i thought youd enjoy it the most)

if you want help replying to this (bc im aware it may be hard to besides a "nice!" lmao), id love to know some of Leon's actual opinion of the hiatus and his bandmates, since Leon himself isnt saying much to Bobby or anyone in-game (fair of him to be distant and avoid it, but also im nosy)

regardless, i hope youre having a nice day!!

Hi! I got the impulse to respond, but I don't know where to start.

Leon is tricky and it's hard to truly grasp an understanding of who he is in the Prologue and that was entirely my intention. Even though I want you guys to recognise a sense of familiarity with the band, I don't want you to know them yet. So I do find the different interpretations of Leon--that I have seen so far--really interesting. They haven't been insanely different, but they haven't been the same.

As for Leon's opinion of the hiatus, you will find out in Chapter 1! That conversation is had and was BREWING, believe me. I won't spoil a lot of it but it's not directly had between MC and Leon, there are different characters you'll hear from too. This scene is currently where I am in the writing process for Chapter 1 coincidentally.

I want to say more but everything I want to say is essentially spoiling what will come up in the story. I need to finish Chapter 1 soon, because keeping things to myself is excruciating--I don't even give my best friends spoilers because I don't want to ruin the immersion for them when they're beta testing my first drafts. I'm unwell

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.

[kevin-the-bruyne]

Hi I'm the same anon who asked about Joong and JD and welcomed you to JD magic! Please answer my anon question plsss. I'm dying to know your thoughts on Joong and JD. This is a cute clip of JD as a bribe.

https://x.com/Jennie921204/status/1877695877843955777

god I love JD they are like the kings of branded pairs both in terms of their fanservice and CP activities AND also in terms of matching each other's freak. They are operating on a concept close to: "If Joong wants to couples bungee jump Dunk is already hand sowing the rainbow sequence on their outfits". But I am not answering this to talk about JD (sorry anon I feel bad that your genuine excitement at me getting more into this pair has overlapped with such a confusing moment in my life)

I have a much longer version typed out to your original ask (and many more) but I must vent a little because truthfully I'm a little hesitant to post any opinions or RPF fic at the moment. I made the mistake of looking at my follower count after the flurry of hate anons because I was so confused why suddenly me having more or less the same opinions I always have became a problem. It's higher than I was expecting - not that high but enough - that I see why suddenly things I do have started having more meaning than they actually do.

I've always received anon negativity to my content. But they always seemed pretty on point? like the ones that accuse me of calling F or K sluts are a bit like yeah??? fair! I do, do that! But the recent ones have been very angry and suddenly I am realizing that I've somehow contributed to this Firstkhao monogamy issue in at least the Tumblr portion of fandom ^^' (there should really be no issue in the first place, First and Khaotung are - god am I going to say this?? - delulu monogamous 😂) [BUT what can I say in this circus khaotung deserves to have more than one dick to suck on at his disposal. and when its F AND K there must be minimum 2 dicks that isn't their own - my kings deserve only the best] I am just really aware right now how if I suddenly start talking about how much I love JD, it's going to make a bunch of FK fans anxious.

probably, I am overthinking it like I did when I abandoned my fic homecoming after a popular FK account posted the link to their X. But truthfully, I hadn't overthought that scenario either as I fully realized when I wrote my divorce sandray when readers went a little nuts at all the angst - and thats without - the support of a popular thai X account. And obviously my fics will have angst??? I'm on the Aof Noppharnach end of the Asian spectrum where the love isn't real unless they've faced a few meaningful separations 🤣

I have pretty bad social anxiety and I don't like being perceived at all - cannot stress this enough I really don't have that many followers I just get spooked really easy - which really sucks given my personality. I run into "I've said too much and now I'm in trouble" problems far too often just overall in my life, so I just want to take a pause on the anon asks until I feel ready to be perceived again.

But you can expect lots of JD reblogs and tag yelling from me in the coming days. Inside my head is 24/7 circus 🤡

[fraemlingg]

im just gonna freestyle this text so this is not gonna be very thought through or whatever but literally i am so incredibly sick of social media i am sooo sick of that ugly AI slop everywhere and algorithms and ads and everything being designed to keep us glued to our screens no matter the consequences

i am sick of monetarisation i am sick of posting my art online literally begging for people to like my posts in hopes of being able to make at least a lil money with my art one day it feels like im selling myself out and its so fucking far from authentic like im a tattoo artist and so i follow a bunch of other tattoo artists and although they all have such amazing unique styles everything feels so performative and i KNOW that every single one of them feels the same and its so fucking sad that we cant really do anything about it

and im not trying to sound pretentious but i?? kinda hate meme culture?? it pisses me off?? can we not have normal inside jokes anymore why are 10 people sending me funny little posts even though they know i will not look at them (and like rlly truly no offense bc i know they do it bc they love me and think of me and i love them for it and i appreciate it in one way or another im not being judgy rn thats not my point). i want to write letters not dms but i feel like if i were to say that i might be called "cringe" which yknow is a concern i already expressed in another post and might be a me-problem but as ethel cain said it so fantastically nothing is taken seriously anymore and i hugely blame social media and meme culture

and like pls keep enjoying ur memes im again not judging just speaking from my subjective experience and that experience is that it caused me brainrot im not sure i'll ever be able to fix and that SUUUUCKS dude we all got dragged into phone addiction without a fucking choice and it will just get worse and worse and worse

i watched LuvstarKeis youtube video on why you should make a website and i think they (i looked everywhere for their pronouns sry if i got it wrong ;w;) have such good points i rlly enjoy their youtube videos in general. so yea in the long run i think im gonna create a website (or two to separate tattoos n music), post it to instagram with a statement, and then im gonna "leave instagram". putting that in "" bc im gonna keep my instagram but only so people can dm me for appointments or other things bc i dont wanna give out my telegram and people these days are too damn lazy to write a single email (even dj bookers lol it pisses me off a bit like what do i have this mail for then). like why are people using AI to write emails pls make it stop sometimes we have to do things that are inconvenient and that is actually a GOOD thing my fucking god, same thing goes for physical media like dvds nd such like fuck streaming services but thats another topic for another day

im probably gonna keep posting on my priv instagram just bc like. theres so many photos on there from so many years ago that would probably be lost if i deleted that account nd like i go on there like every 3 months or so to dump my photos there and then i log off so whatever. i am mostly pissed off about sharing art on social media and feeling so unauthentic about it and being glued to my phone when i could do so many other much better things liKE UGHHHHHHH

i think dead internet theory is scary and depressing but lowkey i hope the internet is actually dying bc i am so sick of this internet society. i am so goddamn sick of everyone being addicted to their phones. remember when we had a life like?????? how did we end up like this

i also wanna get a flipphone one day but yea i gotta plan that shit

i just needed to vent i could probably go on for ages about this but imma choose to shut the fuck up now

[lilac-set]

Theres nothing good that could come of me reblogging and adding onto the post i just saw so im gonna make a post about it

I think the problem is that this was a vent post that people were taking a discourse post, but OP’s goal wasnt nuanced discussion, it was to vent, so they took it as a threat and lashed out at any replies trying to have a discussion

The post was basically saying that it isnt fair that the rest of the world is under the authority of another government they dont even get to elect (the usa), which is absolutely true

A couple usamericans tried to say what im saying now but got about as misinterpreted as possible, i think. Because, again, responses were not welcome on this post. They werent trying to make everything about themselves, but were trying to defend themselves on a post attacking them personally. The post was already about usamerians, they didnt derail. They weren’t defending their government on a post attacking their government, they were defending themselves on a post attacking themselves

Because for some reason OP made this about american people rather than the american government

They (the americans) said “whos forcing you to care?”, that wasnt taken well, they ARE being forced to care, by the government. But i think what they were trying to say, what im trying to say, is that this is an institutional problem, not a personal problem. They werent whining about how much life in america is so much harder than it is in all the places that our government destroyed, they were trying to illustrate that we as people are doing everything we can to fix our government, for our own and the rest of the world’s sakes, not that we’re too busy with our own stupid american problems to care about all the genocides america is committing elsewhere, but that we know that us simply “caring” about whats going on isnt going to change it, what will change their situation is changing our own government, but just because we’re all doing as much as we can to make that happen doesnt mean we can just simply rebuild our country from scratch because we want to, it isnt that easy

What they were trying to say was that we’re in a similar boat of being oppressed by our government, youre punching laterally at us, not up. Not trying to make it about themselves, not trying to absolve their government, but just not being sure why this is being aimed at them as, ya know, not the government

It’d be like if during ww2 instead of saying “nazis are evil and deserve to die” or “hitler is evil and deserves to die”, you said “all german citizens are evil and deserve to die” - its understandable as a vent, but it just isnt true. And then you get a bunch of germans on your post like “actually we hate what’s going on and we’re really trying hard to change it” and you respond like “im gonna kill a german just because you said that, you really cant stop making it all about yourselves, huh? This is why i hate germans”

I just dont think its helpful to make sweeping generalizations that everyone of a certain nationality is evil, one because thats just a shitty thing to do in general (not as shitty as everything our government is doing, obviously, but again, at us people youre punching laterally. We could play the oppression olympics and make a detailed ranking of exactly which types of people in which countries have it the worst, and yeah probably no american is gonna be at the very bottom of that list, but i dont think that list *matters*, youre dead whether you drown in an inch of water or 10 feet, whether you were simply unsheltered or a nuclear bomb dropped on your town. We need to be on the same team), but also… how do i explain this… its disheartening, as americans, who have at least a little more power to change our own government than people elsewhere do, to be told youre evil no matter what. Theres no point in voting, theres no point in calling reps, theres no point in signing petitions, theres no point going to protests, even running for office, etc, those things have no effect on the fact that youre evil and youre part of the problem. Theres no such thing as a good action, there isnt even a neutral action, everything you can do is evil, because youre an american, so quit trying, by trying youre just making it even more about yourselves. And god forbid you participate in any sort of mutual aid to keep another american from dying, those resources could be used to keep someone good from dying

This is bad, yeah?

[violntfemme]

urrrhhhhhvggggg i try not to make vent posts a whole ton but alas, ya girl is not doing so hot

tw// sh😁

guys do not do what i did and like. purposely trigger yourself with your own sh from a year ago because oh my god in. its. i feel so absolutely fake my scars were so much worse last year and now theyre just gone and i thought i was fully recovered its bren a year and. and im still crying over it and i thought i was done crying over it. I thought i was done crying over literal scars and i was. i mean i thought i was exaggerating when i said the closrr i get to the date ill br one year clean its getting worse and. nope! no, no that checks out!!

Its all my fault i got triggered in the first placr too. I knew what i had in my eyes only wnd i knew that checking it would only make me spiral and here i am just. crying over it. its sending me back to last year where its i just its only oj my hod i csnt be doing this again i really csnt be doingthis again ive bren doing so well and then. and i dont want to i really dont but im still tjinking about it and im still telling myself i want to but i dont i never did i always wanted to say ive been 1 year clean but i dont think ill rver even be able to make it to that point if i keeo self sabotaging like this. i mean t barely even counts ive basically just replaced cvtting with eevry other unhealthy coping mechanism under the sun but i should be better than this i shouldnt rven be thinking sbout it i shouldnt even be thinking that i can go back i shoulfny be in this situation at all and if it werent for me i wouldnt even be in this situation in the first placr ebcause i dont know how to keep myself away from tjings that i really need to stay away from

i really shouldnt be caught ip on this but its. i was. i was thinking aboht whag would happen if i would look back on photots earlier and and i knew i wouldnt be okay with it i knew i would snap the moment i did and wow its almost like forced recov only made me feel guilty for it and ohmygod kill me now i should be better than this i should be better than thjs ive had crisis called so many times ive been threatened by my parents for this so many times im worrying eveyrone around me and im only getting worse and everyone has to wastch me spiral but they cant do anything because im jsut too fucking oblivious to my own issues but im just too scared to readh out to anyone because how am i gonna say that i triggered myself without sounding like i planend this i didnt i swear i didnt plan to break down over this i promise i didnt mean for it i didnt want to cry over it i dont want to think abiut it anf i dont want to go back ive been doing sowell i swear im just worrying rveryone i dont want everyone to start checking in on mr in the morning just to make sure im still alive i font want people to messagr me in the middle of the night to make sure im not dead im so sorry ik so sorry

im just as tired as i was last year the only difference is thst im not actively trying to kill myself over it even if i really. wiuld like to thats besides the point the point is im just as weak of a girl as i was last year but last year i could at least hanfle pain now i just fucking snap whenever someone raises their voice or whenever i get. acut i break down and whenever i get hurt it only reminds me of the past 4 years that ive spent doing nothing but putting myself through mental hell and im realizing tbat ill never get begger i cant get better ive bren trying and i just csnt

i cant do it ive tried ive been trying why am i not getting anywhere why am i still stuck on the thought of sh i shouldnt be thinking about it i shouldnt miss it i shouldnt be upset that my scars are faded i shouldnt still have the ideas and images swirling aorund in my head because theyre always there and ill always have these scars and ill always br fucked ip and i wont ever be able to fix it ive had so many people worry and theyre worrying and worrying and i just dont care im such a horrible person i

i shiuldvr stopped for my parents they had to skin check me dsily for almodt a year straight and here i am just fucking itching to go grab something, literally anything just to go back and in so stupid im so stupid i did this to myself and im still being a pussy about it i shouldnt be thinming abiut it i shouldnt be crying over it whats wrong withme

[someone-called-efg]

everything i know so far regarding religion and my experiences (big post with a lot of words and some pictures too. i tried doing the image id thing so hopefully i explained it all alright) skip at your own discretion

so, for everything ive made either a comic or drawing, then i'll explain what happened a little more underneath.

~~~

first and foremost before i start, so were on the same page, visits to heaven can occur during the time someone is asleep. this could even happen to you if you see in your dream a recently passed relative (or any passed away relative in general but for the most part it happens when the passing is recent and goodbyes didnt happen for one reason or another) and if it hasnt happened to you personally yet, you probably know someone who's experienced a visit.

with that out of the way, lets get started

---

{ image id: an 8 panel comic. 1st panel shows myself with two others sat around a table, as i joke "God, if this is a sin, strike me down". 2nd panel simply says * later that night * . 3rd panel is in 1st person perspective of me in my dream, opening a door. 4th panel shows that behind the door from panel 3 that God is there floating, his hair/beard flowing into the cloud his head is casually floating on in the middle of the room. 5th panel simply shows a lighting bolt. 6th panel shows me falling through the floor. 7th panel shows me waking up in a state of panic. 8th panel simply says: TLDR: If you call upon him, he'll answer. end id }

this is a comic regarding my first visit. at the time irl i was considering becoming an atheist, so this put a solid halt in that. the reason both people with my in the 1st panel dont really have any defining features is because i was at a psych ward at the time for wanting to unalive, and they make you sign nda's there soo, thats the best i got. in the dream/visit itself i was at home, opening the door from the living room to the porch. and God wasnt just there waiting, they kinda came through the ceiling without breaking it. dont ask me how cuz even i dont know.

---

{ image id: another 8 panel comic so here goes more typing yippee! 1st panel shows God from the side, simply saying "So". 2nd comic shows God turning forward, asking "Are you alright?", as though finishing what they were saying in the 1st panel. 3rd panel shows God an i sat on a couch, and while God looks normal sized, i look tiny by comparison, showing basically the setting. 4th panel is a zoom in on me as i rub the back of my neck, saying "i mean ...". 5th panel simply tldr's what happens as i * proceeds to vent ... a lot * . 6th panel shows God saying nothing, but, they * listens to every word * . 7th panel shows me, clearly upset from venting so much, but also now parched, as i tell God "I'm sorry, I've been talking so much, my throat got dry. Do you have anything I could drink?". 8th panel shows God from the side, for the first time smiling as they say "Of course" and a fridge magically appears at opposite from where i am in comparison to them. end id }

so, not even i really knew what all happened until years lated when i asked God if that visit was a therapy session because all i remembered upon waking up after is the last two panels and afterwards, when my mom and step dad came and told me that the year for earth was 2077 and that the north pole was a desert, then we went and had a mini feast with relatives (and maybe ancestors? idk, there was a fair lot of people and i didnt recognize a lot of them so maybe?) , then i woke up. and if youre going to ask why gods eyes arent visible in this comic when they were visible in that last one, at the time of drawing this comic in particular i didnt feel deserving of him looking at me and smiling, cuz lets face it, were all a bunch of sinners here all trying to do good at least. but at the time if i remember right i had a caffeine addiction to the point i needed 8 coffee/monster energy to get me through the day (4 in the morning + 4 in the afternoon), i since went cold turkey against both.

---

{image id : a 4 panel comic because i finally learned my lesson so i dont have to type as much pog! 1st pannel shows myself and my brother (ftm) stood in Gods temple, and i casually ask "Hey, so, can I reincarnate?". 2nd panel shows god towering over both of us easily, their response is a smile with a "Yeah, sure" as they hold something glowing in their hand that i look into. 3rd panel is glitchy, as it shows a child 1st person perspective, the child is looking down, admittedly a bit overwhelmed while saying "mom, i memember my last life". 4th panel is glitchy as well, this time showing the vague image of a woman reaching out her hand presumably to the child, asking "what do you remember?". end id }

so, for a bit of context, the dream/visit didnt start out like that. it actually started at my great aunts house (who at the time was still alive but died very soon after) it wasnt her house when she was alive, but rather, her house in heaven. my godmother was also there, and i was helping her to remember how to fly because she had forgotten the lesson. so, in total there were 4 people there (my great aunt, my godmother, my brother, and myself) and mid way through me teaching how to fly, another of my brothers teleported into the room and just casually took a seat. after the lesson we went outside and walked around my great aunts heaven house, and when we walked a little ways away there was some kinda conflict, and i simply prayed and the conflict was over within under 10 secs. then as the group of my relatives and i went walking back to my great aunts house, i mentioned to my brother my thoughts of asking to reincarnate soon, and he says to me "why not go right now" and i agree, so we teleported to Gods temple and thats where the comic picks up at. what this told me is that being lgbtqia+ isnt a deadly sin, so any member of the rainbow community isnt going to hell for simply being lgbtqia+, which i see as an absolute win.

~~~

thats the most i got for when it comes to visits, which occur when someone's asleep. but, now, its time to go over a couple visions ive had (and no im not gonna talk about when i died cuz that would be 3 posts in a row, so if you wanna see any of that just check it in your own time) because its just visions, i didnt make comics, but just drawings, which, comics are drawings sure, but not all drawings are comics. and, so i stop rambling, lets get started.

---

{ image id : the great flood. as a man drowns under the fermanent from the quickly rising water level, his soul is outside the fermanent, walking up alongside his dying body, unable to help and can only comfort his souless body by watching it slowly unalive. end id }

when i saw this, i honestly saw at least a dozen others doing this too, i also watched who i could only assume was some past incarnation of myself succumb to the same fate. and for those wondering how a soul can be out when the body is clearly still alive, well, 24 hours before someone dies, their soul's already passed on to the afterlife. where the saying 'dead man walking' comes from, because for those 24 hours, the person's already dead, the rest of the world just doesn't know yet.

---

{ image id : the battle at the end of the world. vegetation is barren from the hills as a giant serpent with black scales and glowing yellow eyes makes its way through the landscape. two angels stand in the foreground, aiming their swords to the heavens, causing a pillar of light thats base covers the two. in the distance, the sky is crimson and the clouds are dark grey almost black. end id }

so. also worth mentioning that when i looked to either side of me, there were armies of God all ready for the greatest battle and ready to take part. needless to say it was overwhelming for a lot of reasons.

~~~

so, thats all really. i could get into the couple times i saw the son of God in visits, but the first time was me in a back room with boxes and he was running by and seemed to be busy and i didnt wanna bother him because of that so i didnt say anything, and the second time we were at this park near my childhood home and i asked him if him and adam are technically in a way brothers and we both ended up laughing causing me to wake up.

~~~

from all this i understand that theres stuff im not allowed to know of my visits for one reason or another, and i kinda figure its so i dont cheat at life. because if i had all the answers, than how else is life supposed to test me.

earth is a school after all, and i at least want my place earned on Gods fridge with a magnet hopefully 🤞

[lordofgodhead]

BTW SUPER LONG FUCKING POST.HOL y SHIT. PRAY TO GOD YOU READ..or at least read some or skim over it all and are convinced to just tslk to me bout it. It all gets better the longer i write just trust my word...or dont haha...its okay.

i miss dirk.

-6/29/2025 i responded to your last message at the very bottom of this entire post. heres a preview of that. Last updated 6/30.

-6/24/2025, legit opening notes- tough fucking introduction if i want you to keep reading on to the better stuff, i know. im sorry. i imagine a lot of the beginning things will potentially peev you? it was kind of just a short vent post and ended up being continuiosly added to for however many days (nine days). hace hade other posts where i did exactly the same but deketed them cus they werent good enough. consuder those drafts and 2 not worry bout em. whats here is now and most relevant. here i apologize for a lot and talk a lot. i realize a lot of stuff and try to understand a lot of stuff. to give you an idea ill have some screenshots as a preview of "whats up next!" incase that helps. to not spoil much and intrigue you as to what the context is to these top notch takes so you maybe might wanna read blah blah.

bro has been healing for a while...or maybe im taking long 2 be better and seem so.. or both.. provboy both.

deleting my retard angry and spiteful for dirk to read posts if i talk to him again we arent talking about any of THAT. was written just to get my feels out for the time being i guess.

i take back the whole "groomer" thing too. it's taken me a while to make up my mind on a lot of this. ((MOR3 ON THAT IN FOLLOWING FOUR PAGER RANT OF TAKING BACK STUPID INFLAMATORY SHIT I SAID. KEEP TUNED READING THIS POST DIRK I BEG!))

#toughing it out without my lil man... 😔 RIP my heart...

i need my player 2 back...(need = WANTING REAAAAPLLYYY BAAAAAADD:!!!!!!!!!!!!...i mean. itd be preferable and . okm ok. ok. ok. NOT 5RYING TO MAK ANOUTHER FOUR PAGE RANT ok just 4ead the one below tjiscok okay? okay))(((thanks)))))((((((((love you mwa mwa)))))))))(((((((((((((((😘better keep reading papicita its sooooooooo wortb it i promise.do you suffifiehtly feel like its worh ir yet?)))))))))))))((papicita -> play on words. spanish smth..smth.. lil daddy mother and.... because youre..intersex..get it? 🤫...becayse i love yiu..and. know things about you. which is why i love yiu...because i know you and i love you for you ajd..nJUSF READN READ READVREAD OKAY GOD 😭.. my bad... not yelling at you precious.. take this at yiur own pace.. youre so good at that...hahah..slicks hair back?..winks...PLEASE read please th is embarrassing imdone now okay notjing else to say hrre im donezo-done with it yo- OVER AND OLLIE OOOOOOOUTTIIIEEE...just read now ok. thanjs. youre a LIFE saver. kk?.. haha..🙏🙏🙏🙏))(((IM NOT IMPLYING IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF IF YOOU DONT READ OR DONT COME BACK THAT WAS JUST A PHRASE OKAY..?!mnok thats all. ok. 🫠))?)

VVV DIRK SHOULD TOTALLY READ THIS IF HES COOL AND AMAZING (he is).... VVV

^^^ 6/24/2025 *complimentary reading tunes. if youd like.

-Oh and also he isnt a snowflake in fact hes very strong about himself. if the groomer thing phased him at all im sure itd be to a very little degree and hed have just shove it off as an asshole thing i said when regarding the bigger picthre of context (and im sure he did reading the three parsgraphs he sent my alt and the tonr of being rightfully pissed!)((whifh is good. my boy.is so good. dirk you are an amazing little guy indeed!))

because it very was much an asshole thing to say and isnt true reharddibg the bigger picture of context blah blah you get the fucking point. im done writing ts for now.

also if he does come back im not making a post on it. if i do i wont reveal his blog ect...its important i keep his identity safe. no one can tear him away from m..ok im starting to sound creepy im don wtiting now im gonna go game ajd be cool and normal as udual

extra crap below if you gaf ((MORE MAJOR RANTS INCOMING. THIS GUY CANNOT SHUT UP))

Me and dirk if he was tuff and more ladylike. 👏YUP. IM BI?!

bi x intersex..um..matchmade in heaven! 🧐

dirk should watch this now. yep.

sweats.

^This is my beautiful boy. i see bro in everythihg.

Had to deal witg some freak today. typucally id refer to freaks as schizos but ever since i met you and then on i refrain from schizo as an insult haha. I love you so much man.

4 random message notifications and i held my breath thinking maybe it was you

About yours.. Ive always wondered about your mysterious past and what youve been through. But never really thought to ask. Because since you have did and so many alters and such i wonder where your concious history stops anr ends. i figured you wouldnt remember the WORST worst worst parts but surely worst worst parts a little bit above that level of bad. whatever you can sit through until it presumably almost breaks you. and ive worried if youre switches(? idkxwgat irs cslled exactky) are always painful and because of bad triggers. in turn ive wondered if there are good triggers and if its not limited to just a trauma responee defense mechanism as it supposedly originates as. since yiure all old and years into used to it. Ive always had little questions and wonders i wanted to ask or at least always keep to mysekf in my mind for whrn i would live with you and observe you being in yiur space mkst of the day. to keep in mind what i can do an think in such dituations to just be mindful. also just mostly curious about you.

im always curious about you but when xaught up with all the present interacting with you it gets shoved ti the back of my mind as a subconcious later mission. thinking i had forever to inquire and watch. but when i am apart from you its only natural everything is put into perspective. and now that theres a high poseibility im not going to get forever with you. nor do i even have presently now with you. being apart makes a man do crazy things... like apologize for being shitty and confess curious wondering things about his estranged lovers inner machinations. + i wonder if its offsnsive or inclusive to direct questions aimed at, what id phrase as, "you, as a whole-" like. i just mean your entire self. when born to present day and everything that comes with it. i hope the phrasibg isnt weird i mean.

i had a dream last night i was mysteriously invited to a discird group chat with yiur friends by you for whatecer reason. i just said "dirk" because i thought we were ginn twlk again. and ive obsessed over wjat wed even say if we did talk agajn. which ended and started in me blanking and jusf saying your name. if yiu didnt properly say anything to jumpstart the cinvo first. and anyways all you saidcwas "jake". and nothing else. and i waited for anything else from you. acter waiting i was met with one of yiur friends (who idk. so just rando faceless peoole my mind autonaticakky identified as your pwls) telling me smn.like "..we have constant conversation here and.. youre kinda slow. so" and then me getting kicked out. i woke up because my heart rate was up and i was shofked. because serious dreams like these always wake up feeling too real like i was just there. and with what i dreamed of it was a feeling literal doublefold. because you were so close yet so far away. and within the time i had i waited. at the time i didjt know what to make of it because i was lightly shocked with fear, but it feels ljke almost i didnt say enough because it was such a short time. but i did exactly what i was told from the start. to wait. and i guess its good i stick to my word. i waited for your next move and i didnt get snything. so i didnt give anything. i guess it was a pretty literal play out of you saying sonething one final time, me replying, and then me backing off.

side note when i woke up it was weird because. my face was al up in my pillow and eyes were stlill floswd. i ws breathing fine whenit ended adruptly at the end aftually. but while i woke up i ssped up a liytle and then slowed dpwn taking deeper and longer breaths. realizing it wasnt real and all that.

i hope you understwbd my.meaninf of waiting by now. and that ir is hopefully not the kind id waiting you told me not to do. whatecer that mwy be...

im glad it was a short and literal playout and ect. reflefts i dont have much inner turmoil that somehow messes with my perceptioni of what happened.

i dont think i have any inner turmoil or sustained mental injuries really.bi feeel like naybe i should feel worse than uust bad because i was an ass. but also i was an ass and ny behavior was nothing new and sometnig

something i REALLY wanted a reason to change for. stuff i hadnt really worjed on because i wasnt motovated to. everyonr was eother flirty fwbs or placeholders fod the next best thing (jake was different but im not even gonna get STARTED on THAT shitshow ((*Later me here:i got started on that shitshow + stuff i purposefully never told you))). and i could pnly be motivated by my one and only.stuff that has to be controlled in the moment.

because outside of the moment those issues are non existent for a healthy good relationship with me.

and uh. i have never had. a healthy or good relationship before. NOT A SHOCKER now that i think about it (which hey:i havent before). sure ive hsd mediocre ones. butbtheyre mediocre. not good enough for life long marriage.

ive taken a lot about especially you, and us, for granted. cuz i aint ever had anything this truly and genuinely sweet as fuck before. and its a lot to take in when im not six feet deep into the plush rump of your open company and dirk biz. because when i am. i dont think too hard about nothing with us. and when i am not. i have the space to think alone and develope what ive stewed in my mind solitarily when i was with you, to now use it to process your absence. its extremely hsrd to explain.

but maybe thats for the best. most certainly is. we can reunite and move on better duowise. or part ways. as i will wait for better to come along.

TLDR. i was lost in the sauce. as usual i got fuckin lost in the sauce. none of it is new as this happened last time (given under tamer circumstances:Where i freaked on you and left but came back normaler) and it happened again (now with higher heightened percieved threats, losses, and more complex circumstances:Where i freaked on you and you left.)

i also. had to deal with the jake residue for my months of sensless reboundijg. good you weretlnt there forbthat and everytjing has lined up.seemibgly perfectly for me and my ascension as a soon to be cooler dude-

but GOD. the WORST from it (the jake relationship residue) ended up saved for the BEST ive had (you).

((And thats all i gotta say for you to get my point i figure.))

And that is SO TOUGH. HELLS OF MAD TOUGH. youd know you were there because youve heard of my history wih him from me abd youve dated me.

BUT. anr shit. Its tough to say. But i was an unreliable narrator at the time. i may or may not have withheld a lot of impoetant detwils about my weird retsrd anger issues (being triggered so often and similar to that of your stupid immature evil coopers treatment towards you i suppose) and me being generally really shit and EXTREEEEMEEEELLLLLYYYYY CLINGY and NEEEEDY and easily upset and SUPERSUPER EASILY JEALOUS and also in general just..bad. ((but of course he wasnt better at relationshipping than me so whatever. its a shame sure.))

-and ajtway only was an unreliable narrator because i wanted you to likr me so bad sbd i didjt want to talk about me beiny evil and fucked ip i wanted to talk abiut how he was hurting me and how presentpy fucked up and undeserved it all was. Even though. it..no. dude i dont even remember shit haha. you get the gist ill stfu.

also ive imprived a lot fron when i was with him. so yay. kot of issues didnt need a second rerun to ween out. some of coudse..still remained..hhhu..

idk how to end thisn i lost my train of thought. i hope all this helps your decisions towards me. it was all tough blabla bla dealong with crazy big issues because i have a reason and motivation to is crazy new ans really inviter and i need it. i need the change. and the center piece is that i want you. scool if naw tho..hahaa....

FYI. im a stare off to the side slick my hair back kind of guy. youre a file your nails and glare kind of guy.

can you forgive me for that pain?

im scared hell move blogs or something the longer i wait. even though i want to give him time and i am. i dont want to send him thi_ any time soon but what if itll b too late in a motmnbth or sknethjng.will it always be too soon or too late. weeps i think. hmm.

i miss you dirk... i mjss yiu so much im p sure its like. impossible for you to even understand. the levels of miss and want. have you really lost it all for me? within those days entirely. or the time then and now we spend divorced from each other completely? so you can let it all die with certainty you might of not had the moment you said you could never love me again.

Ill always fuckup bro. but less often and not as bad th longer i live. do you make the decision to be patient with someone like me?

im making the decision to be patient with you.

i just beg you care enough to tell me when and if were totally over and ill just have to forget about you. zero vagueness. just totally a "we are never interacting agsin and i UNDOUBTEDLY ENTURELY prefer you fuck off forever."

you told me to not talk to you. or youll hate me forever. i think i remember.so i must wait for you to make the next move with me.

i just need to wait and not do what i did ever again no matter what.

also i never cut mysekf over anyone before. and even when i did it wasmt as bad as it couldve been during my usual panic/anxiwty self harm moments (which typicwlly only occur at school)

so that was new.

abd i hope you can understand i truly was freaking the fuck out and not bullshitting my freakout or sonething.

still not gonna hsppen again ever but i felt really not cared for or loved. and it sucks you couldnt be there for me when i was at my worst.

maybe you couldve if you werejt also doing horribly.

but it wouldnt of happened to begin with if you just talked and listened to me.

there were lots of warnung signs pre freakout.

none of which you replied to.

i dont think you understood my anxiety that only builds up wasnt just going to go away.

you thought right that the little messages you gavecme very very sparsely and occasionally werent enouggh for me to relax while you were mostly away.

i needed to ask for more reassurance and security just slighty more often whenever i saw you online.

and you didnt ask if i needed that. or if i needed anything more.

you didnt consider it.

you didnt consider my needs.

and i felt crazy for needing anything.

i felt like i was too much and that we xouldnt talk.

so i became too much. and then we couldnt talk. even though ive always wanted that to change.

i didnt want to make you feel crazy for needing time alone. and if i did im sorry because ive tried (but not hard enough!) to give you what yoy needed.

but in turn i began to feel alone and anxious. unloved. and you didnt want to talk.

so you didnt want to ask if i needed a little more than you defaultly gave (which i did). im guessing you probably didnt even think of asking. or thought you maybe should incase you wanted to continue our relationsshipp well at all??

the whole thing is just a shame. im sorry you couldnt make room in your tortured mind to think of the person you love and how your actions might effect them negatively.

how they could spiral and shitsplosion the whole relationship just to get you to feel their pain.

im sorry. i dont like being kind of snarky or rude about it when i feel neither of us should. but i guess now you know the full scope of what worrying im capable of. and what can happen. what did happen. even if i intend not to behave the same again.

it was all one big lot of shared mistakes to be made and learned from.

all because you didnt ask. and not only that. proceeded to not listen until i blew my lid. until you couldnt possibly listen any longer and had to kick me out just to shut me up and tell me you possibly wont ever bother caring about me again. even though you caring was too little to begin with. something you neglect to acknowledge or inquire about in the relationship where, if it were one of good healthy quality, would be a good and recreational thing.

im not asking you to bend over backwards man.

"jake, do you think i dont care for you enough?" "how can i care for you the way you need me to..."

never once have you asked. not when you or we were doing good, not when bad either.

its good to be self assured. but so confident or apathetic you dont question ypurself for me? when thats all ive been trying to do now for you wnd for potential future others?

in turn i now know the lowest and fullest capacity of your self awareness

i dont mean to bust your fucking ass over some shit thats far out of your current scope of worries when you feel like thats all i should be considerate and thinking of if i want you to stick around-maybe how inconvenient it is i needed you to worry about me for a moment. and by all that i mean you were caught up with what you had going on outside of me. totally makes sense i can grasp that.

its hard to talk about or acknowledge and begin to understand whatyou did wrong but it seems thats the only way i can begin to understand the state of mind you were in when it all went to shit.

i get it. ill never GET get it because i havent been in your hyper specific collection of current situations right now. but i definitely am trying.

your boyfriend just isnt on your mind when those bigger things are. and of course, that is perfrctly alright sir... so maybe whwn youll read all this youll think to say or tell yourself you arent ready for a relationship right now or ever. but cant you see how dumb and lame a mindset that is? cant you see youre capable of so much better? how WE can be so much better?

i love you and me currently expressing that is trying to make you see some things you possibly havent. and i hope to god the notion you dont see something about yourself others do doesnt offend you. but it truly and might unfortunately all be true. im sorry.

im sorry i love you so gosh darn much an that you find me talking a lot to be generally annoying (i assume-but its literally the primary and only way i can show love so if you didnt love me for that what the hell did you love right?). i know you have trouble being loved or whatever it specifically was with that.

you do not have to accept what ive seen from my perspective. you do not have to come back. you do not have to love me.

all ive been saying was that if you come back whenever you have everything (dad restraining order stuff and whatever else) together i hope things can be different and better than last time.

i only wanted things to be better for us. you werent ready for that, and i understand why. and its okay because i forgive you and always have! you are worth the world to me.

actually it isnt okay but. you know.

ok and also dont mean to go so hard on the bpyfriending im just as chill to b friends again but im fleshing out my ideas of and making senseof what happened and what would be best moving forward if ww had that again and what ifs and generally just trying to help you get me and understand i got you?

if we were friends again obviously none ofthis would apply to it.

but uh.

kind of doubt you aint gonna love me pal.

just as i cannot lie and say i dont love you a lot. as a friend and as a previous boyfriend -> even if i do think theres things to be improved on i get you have bigger fish to fry in your current situation and this whole disaster has taught me how to better respect you in a way that is mutually beneficial for us as a singular combined pair of generally interacting guys-and simply hope and act in favor of the sentiment being shared ECT ECT ECT. 🙂‍↕️❤️‍🩹

i dont doubt you and your word (infact it is all i can believe from you and all i want and feel a need to understand). i just dont doubt our natural compatibility. biiiiiiig difference...

im sorry about all of this an d how fucking dumb all of ir may or mayvnot be. but i wanna talk again normally and redo things better with you. an justcbe generally chill pals. zero crazyness ever again. so if thats chill with you lmk.. and if not dont i guess!

PS SELFCYOURE BANNE FROM UPDATING THIS. GET OUT OF TH FUCKING EDIT TAB YOURE DONE. QUIT. slaps future selfs wrist.

ok no one more thing. im sorry. im sure a lot of this was a lot of nothing burger. i cant defrnd myseld or say anything right for shit its totally true. because yiure not here i guess. if you were i wouldnt have to explain myself. id just do better. i dont even have to explain myself now. but i am because i want you to believe me.. and i want you to come back. because i miss you and wanna be a better pal for you. and i know i can be if i try! and i would try! id try much better and harder. id like you to know these things to trust me again. to believe in me as much as i believe in myself. and im promise im certain. i really know i am. and i have to be. theres no way i could allow otherwise.

found full vid https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=13EPS_FkMoI

im the type to keep it pushing. i wouldnt be here if i wasnt.

i miss you dirk... i love you... (as a friend and more!)

(miscellanipus stuff i barely remember:) im sorry for the general crazyneesss of the "punishmetn" yap stuff too by the way. 💭i was havonng a rough time..tthats a ggiven though i guess. imm still eorry for everything though ill never do it again. i just want you back nd tp be lovable fpr youv and awant you tocare ahput me because i care about you and want you. heart heart.

ive veen physically suffering ever since you left. its nothing much serious outsidd of aforementioned lack of motovation to get up to eat outside of breakfast and maybe a second meal most days. and general fatigue. havong friends doesnt maje any of it better. nothing can replace you or what good we had and could potentially have fitire wise. i dont want to replace it either. thats anpther way i can realize how much you mean to me. befausein comparison ive never really gave a fuck for anyon else.

im sory if this is messe up. i care about you but im mentioning q lot abput "us".

im having trouble putting any of this into words.

but i should care the most about you. and essentially.... id like to be better at that.

ive been coming to terms with that. thats all this has been.

and ive had trouble, miscalculating, to care more about "us" or "you", or when to properly, when which matters more than the other-or if either _hould matter more than the other at all. or what caring about either or both can even mean.

itd be better if i cared more for you in those moments than "us". reflection and realizing what i couldve done better, is good for future actions. in relation with you and others.

if i cared more about you i wouldve had better judgement to let you be. the best treatment for us achieved through best trratment for you... so i think i was blindsighted.

my way of processing things may not make sense to you. im sorry if anything pisses you off or is wrong.

i should have cared abput you more. im trying to now.

i care abput YOU. YOU should remain my priority in anytging between us. im sorry for what happened.

i dont rrally like thinkinh abput stuff in terms of "us" now realizingwhat that can devolve into thought process wise for me now.

so i think its better i think about you. and i should love you the most... i DO love you the most... an currebtly it should mean rrspectong you the best... it shluld alway mean respecting you the best befause i can respect myself finecjust enough and youvrxalways respected me the best too!

just a lot of assessment of priorities. of whst they are. what they mean between you and me. and balencing them.

something like that.

and more reasons to not doxwhat i did. and more reasons to do wgat i shpuldve.i thinj ive ialways known hwhat i shluldve. but i wasnt motovated to do so. because i was not thinking right..

regretful of botherinv you again. thatll be the last tkme. i hope you check here when you wabnt.bif you do what. but thats all ill quit bitheering you. yuppers..

im not telling you though. i just wont talk anhmore!if you read this youread this. if you dont you dont... i love you... stay safe and well.

im sur yiu could probably.guess. but i usually cgeck yiur blog tofeel better.

im sorry for all the trouble. you dont deserve to suffer. no one does. it hasnt been fair. im sorry.

ims sorry ill alwsys be a horrible person

man im never gonna get anpther dudeclike you on your level. and someonecto get our ageplay and or regression on with. i want to take care of you man. please. pleeaasse...

6/29/2025. a response to this below.

there was more tag writing past the ending if "outside of" but uh. gues what. none of it saved when i publushed. because i unknoeingly reached a tag limit.

you made me feel like shit. what else can i say. i guess ill try to rewrite it all since its still fresh on my mind. orobably gonna be shorter though. (a lot shorter i am kjnd of depressed now abd exgasperated i didjt get to save it all..as well astired and buttfucked screwed so over from your. flippancy. which exhausts me. i cant believe im supoosed to be takjng shit like this from you whrn im also supposed to believe at some pointyou genuinely fucking saw something in me and loved me. you are a piece of work and dont discard that just because you think you know better than me. because newsflash. you dont. and im well equipped to dissprove that.)

-but outside of what i took offense to. i get your points. thats fine. whatever.

but i havent been torn apart. i try a lot to be tolerable. especially with someone i see so much in. and youve disrespected that. okay dirk.

me continuing to love yiu isjt a i want to date you agsin thing. its seeing what i saw in our time spent together. all orbiting you as an experience from my side.

take it that i love you and have the capavity to care and consider you not s skmethingexckusivrly romantically motivated. its just as much as platonicas it is romantic. you were good as a friend for me, and just as good a lover.

and by the way that adult treated me like shit and was a really fake friend before abandoning me.

this tires me. im tired.

i wasnt tired when i wrote those tags. but i thoughtd id at least have the chance to tell you to refresh the page because i updated this now with my response. youre probably not reading this now anyway . and only basically one fourth of whay i said in those tags saved.

im sorry dirk. but i am not flippant or fleeting with my emotions. and i am not maturity wise below you. nor have i ever been holding out for you ever since youve left.

you are jaded. and your distrust, caused by rightful or not skepticism in reflectikn of my actikns when i was at my lowest, is fundementally incirrect.

if you knew me. if i had any idea what yiu saw in me as a partner. youd know im persistent and consistent with being my best self. as well as adaptable. that was all worth it to you.

befire being with you i lacked to see what i had to fix. i didnt even know the word codepejdent or how i was being so. but ive learned in yiur absence how to function and live entertained without you. i lacked the experience previously and obviously shit the bed unable to cope without your reassurance.

you couldnt provide whst i needed. our "lifestyles" *were* incompatible. but people change. you wouldnt believe it though because i have to try so hard to convince you so. to prove myself. thats all fine and dandy but as previously stated im tired fir oreviously stated reasons and god. maybe you quit reading twejty percent through this post and it does nt mattee what i say here.

ive become better and more compatible/adapyable with you and the general anyone else who is worth my love. someone who isnt currently present. -> and no its not you. i have no idea who it is. but its not you because you dont want me and cant be convjnced to. even when ive been so abudantly giving and respectful. you havent moved on how i have. you havent saw snd realized whst i do.

learning to be less codependent (and thus how to be by myself without wanting romantic or sexual action to fullfill the present percieved lack of it) in a relationship is what ive learned by my failure with you.

i am not wrong for making mistakes. and i am right for knowing better after the fact. no one deserves to be treated otherwise for their inexperience, dirk.

im sure its tough to realize. but if things remain the way they are. its evident thatbim simply just. better suited for a relatiknship than you.

the highest test of mutual maturity.

ive fought for us so long. but considering this? your present disrespect? how you havent moved on remotely? im not sure what ive been fighting for if we were skmply never compatible.

if i wasnt in your eyes and still arent. im guessing i never was. and its all been some kind of lie.

none the less i thought youd be wiser to not speak on someone you dont currently know.

because im not who i was those nights anymore. again ive changed for the better.

our compatibility. your beauty of, maybe occasionally wavering, intellect. is not any better than mine maturity wise. we are human and make our mistakes.

what ive done... whst youve done now. im not comparing then by which is worse remotely to make any point of that kind. but to say were supposed to learn from what weve done. and that even the most self reportedly mature guy who cant get off his high horse can judge someone wrong.

ill never limit myself to someone not there. someone who so greatly calls into question if we ever even had anything worth together wed bother keeping.

i think yiure very smart. but this aint it chief. ive been patient. as much as and even morethan that when id previously lacked to when we were together.

you however... havent. and on top of everything else ive gleamed from your current disrespect. im interpretting the flippant and fleeting emotions thing as (... ok i lost the word but its something likecthis) self refkection/deflection(?) .

if not that a really shitty miscalucation on yiur part as well as with all that other shit you got wrong.

you may not give me the chance to prove it to you. but if my words arent enough. and lets face it: thats all i really have to prove anything, and all ive ever had to woo you as hard as i did and even just sustain a good friendship with + rekindle a following friendship and sibsequent DATING RELATIONSHIP with after... YOU arent worth ME or MY genuine thought.

you arent wrong for being hurt. that has nithing to do with it. moving forward i mean: you have failed. the moment you give up on me. quit believing in me. cut me off from convincing you to believe me. because of your absent/lack there of suspension of disbelief. because of your SHEER HUBRIS. which barely reflects on me. that is when youve lost it all.

that is when you change. in my eyes anyway. because this is nothing but what ive seen. you couldve always been this way in your own perspective. and how you will remain.

but you areny changing for the better.

im more than well fuckin equipped to observe and adapt to whoever i deem worth my time and attention. especially someone like you who ive thought so highly of to considered continuing a friendship with atthe bare minimum (because yeah bud:news flash i never wanted to jump straight into dating you if we talked again at all).

but god. youve dissapointed me. and youve hurt me.

because hey man. the fiasscos over. its been over for nearly four or five weeks. its rotting in the place it was killed off by us. flies are swarmjng it. that shit.

its over. i havent been hurting you. while the lasting final impression from that moment surely must have been and still is. i am not.

you aint got any right besides legal free speech to shit on present me like that.

and i dont want to hurt you.

like ive said before here. ive jhst been lesrning how to live without you. and how to better respect you. again! ive adapted, and of course none of that means losing any part of my freedom of choice to be with whoever or quote un qjote let this whole thjng "tear me apart". (guessibg you just said that cuz of the amount of messagss. no i misjudged and thought after twenty days you were cool with some light updates kn mysekf and apologies for crap. i wont message you again i wont even know if you read this and ill probsboy guess you didnt abdeven if you did read it sll and still didnt fdel remotely affected by it enough to speeak with me about what i said. *1 or even a parting message acknowledging it.)

fucking shit. you just meant those paragraphs i sent you right? and you did that in those two paragraphs????? you didnt mean you were gonna read this post???? good fucking god dirk.

no ok i think im like misinterpreting.. surely not. 😟.. you hopefully arent that much of a bordering pessimistic tightassto barely skim and ignore most of what i said including the post thjng.

i lost my train of thought. going to try to rerail it now.

quick detour. *1... but if you left me a pRting message. yiu told me to not kessage until youve read everything. UNTIL... so am i hypothetically given the chance to speak?

or did yiu write that then. skim over. an decide you wont be reading and then lettibg me know. so you chsnged your mind and decided last minute to delete the conversation entirely.

all of that is frankly... ill considered, dirk.

all of it was.

and i csn only see why youd do ill considered things agsinst me snd ultimately yoursslf-even as you dont realize it-when remaining to unrationally harbor ill feelings towards me.

im not calling you dumb for this. considering the full scope of things youre acting as yiu always would: no exceptions for any horrid heart breaker if mine! heart eternally guarded behind MENTAL STEEL!

and its fine because i love you (..as a friend. abd someone mutualky tolerated as boyfriends..) and can accept you and adapt to your natural behavior. which really isnt too offensive or unfathomablre.

but loving someone means recignizing and pointing out what you see in them. this, a bad thing, is included. among my multitude of reasons to consuder you so endlessly worthwhile.

it is called uncondtional love: unconditional patience. unconditional care.

and. i really find it a shame ive seemingly wasted it on you.

you cant let me "get along with you" like a thousand have lacked to unless you give me that second chance.

like evrryone, as it is innate to humans, i make mistakes.

but apparently unlike others youve known. i restructure and learn to not make them agsin.

itd take a lot to convincevyou of tbat, andeven more:that we could be friends agsin.

perhaps with such a challenge i cant expect myself to say anythjng more consice than everything. everything you mean to me and continue to.

thats all this post has been.

i havent failed myself. havent failed you either. im playing devils advocate you open your heart back up.

maybe you can replace me. but you should know with your similar no one being on your level thing that its going to take a while. or i just might never find that person.

hopefully i dont end up like you though.

i think weve failed eachother combined. my inexperience and following failure(s) is worth it, in your eyes, to throw the baby out the bathwater and out the window completely.

we both were at a horrible time unequipped to deal with either person.

you havent specifjed otherwise-so hopefully when you arent feeling so horrible about the dad stuff and whatever else. you can chill out and see this.

if i didnt care i wouldnt be saying all this abd raking my mind to get over what youve said snd still try to privide good reasons asto why and.

look j dont know anymore.

but yiu sjould know.

i really havent found, within the span of ..

aw shit.

man i dont even know how many days its been since the break up.

but im guessing nearing twenty or more.

anyway. within the span of however long i havejt found anyone who tops youas a friend. (and really thats hpw i jhdge who i wanna date and potentially marry incase you got it twisted any other way.)

and im not looking to date right now either. i have as much friebds as i need to to tslk to if i want to.

proceeding km never gonna be in a rush to flirt with anyone and get a biyfrjend.

im not going to find someone.

im accepting that fact now. and if im miraculously proven otherwise then it just so happens i am and i might look into it.

i dont reakky want to have innapropriate duscussions with anyone either. ive been cut off for upholding boundaries about not wanting to talk about a (now ex-)friends underage drinking and how they were letting themeselces be sexualky exploited by thejr friebds and whoring themsekves out. (ps once idid they had nothing ti talk about so they got mad for the convo being dry and blocked me).

and id only have innapropriate/mature discussions with my one and only.

the person who im never fjnding. and is obviously:not you.

not like i believed it was you the following days after the break up.

its just that... dirk. i had. better things to think about. like you know. betterjng mysekf to begin with?

yiur dateability wasnever cslled jnto qjestion to fog my good judgement.

this specific realizatikn never crossed my mind vut i neverreally... wanted. to get bacj with yiu. certainly wouldnt exoected it. even if i did get it. i wouldnt know whst to do with you.

thisof coudse would have zero percent probability of occurring. so you can see why i didnt think that way and never have.

but nowthat you give me sometjing. and we can move on from the situation. however you personally decide for us.

i couldnt possibly want to date you sir!

ive had to process EVERYTHJNG else before even bringing it up.

this processing took a literal nearing twenty or more days.

so i can hope you can tell how certain i am.

and i am certain about my good feelings and intuition, what comprise my emotions.

you. in comparsion. are not.

you couldnt be.

because im not going through what very specific and rough tough times you are.

and its all fine.

its just...

not something i can process for you.or demean you for how ot affects yiur judgemrnt ansfeelings.

ive been very respectful. reasonable. and kind.

i see and understand how that may not chsnge you objectively not wanting to hear any of it regardless.

it is not my place. to worry about. or to criticize how you carry yourself in times of stress, turmoil, and especially distrust.

be as cynical as you want. it wont ever change how ive reformed.

itll only like. make us dislikethe other more.

and if you felt better. would you wsnt me to tell you i dont want to be your friendagain?

because i do. but im starting to see how we maybe cant ever mske amrnds.

ill do exactluly as you told me. another silent form od resspect and how much your words do matter to me. ill continue tk love you enough to let you go.

and let go of the notion youll ever "reach back out" again.

i dont want to mention it abd be an immedkste hypocrite.

but i guess i will. if you do. be certain you make it count.

if you do im expectibg it wont be to tell me youre gonna begone forever. because i guess its implied if yiu never reCh out then i should take that as the youre gone forever to begib with.

ill expect you to tskr me bsck as a friend.

you have extreme trouble with hzving enough faith in someon like me to give me another chsnce.

i truly doubt this outcome would be any different if i were your age. so dont believe that. dont tell yourself that definitely. i get being uncomfortable with talkibg with somekne younger evn if no bad convo or argument occurs. just saying. this wouldnt of played out any different if i were your age. and this is a you issue.

you wouldve been you and i mightve screwed up some othee way.

but youd never give me a second shot at trying anything friendly communication wise with you again.

and at least it isnt my fault you already had several sticks up your ass but damn. dont i feel like this was just a major waste of time.

illcnever get the brain space yiu took up in my mind back. even if i do do somethibg good with it for the future/present like i have and continue to.

i had my faith in you. and you dissapointed me. like how many have dissapointed you.

the cycles of abuse and negldct csrry on to every person the last interacts with.

while i hope i dont end up like you. in the end? itd always be more endlessly comfortable i did. and itll only get more enticing.

do you see the horror of that?

the horror of your all consuming shit pit?

it is... my fault. for trying to join you to even reach you at all when i felt i needed you no matter what it cost.

i shouldve waitdd for you to come out when you were ready.

but this is what mistakes are for. are they not? hindsight.

i change users and handkes and hop email accounts frequently if not basically yearly. i might stay reachable from the depths of your blocked list on whatever platform for a year i mean. but after that im on a new email for a brand new account. while im recognizable i still can be hard to find among millions.

if you want me to really move on. im deleting every alternate email blog account.

maybe in like a few months.

but as it stands its hard to want to knowing you might change your mind and want to return. ill keep gardengnostiwoof up sure. just know i regret it. ill always regret you.

ill always regret having faith in anyone. even when i cant ever help it unless im being a mentally ill little asshole (not how i standardly behave obviously).

what we have is a blessing and a curse bud.

me unable to not believe in everyone and everything. and you unable to believe in everyone and everything.

both highly ethical men who still suffer just as greatly despite being on opposite sides of the same intellectually advantaged coin.

for us. the grass will always be greener on the other side.

and we wont get to reach self peace by coming together to balance the other out.

what i see is. i cant have someone like you again. if anyone. id like myself or someone that close to me.

maybe thats a stretch. but. youre the closest ive came to the actualization of someone on my level.

and yet we cant bounce off each other indefinitely. as it seems anyway.

its not in my nature to take to heart what pessimestic things youve said. i hope it never will be. and i dont think it will. but youve briefly hurt me. that sucks! okay bye!

eh. i dunno when to unpin this. i will now i think. if you went by the link or the starred tag you should see this. but if yiu didnt bother to read my jnstructions how to see this. you aint wirth seejnf it. thats fucking that! goodbye from my thoughts forever you stupid gay little asshole.

(because you will always linger in my mind. but im always gonna pretend you just arent there. outside of the previously expressed itll be functionally unproductive. i cant have that man. THAT would tear me apart. and uh. you know. havent felt torn apart or romantically in love with you or held out for you this entire god damn time. not like you gave a fuck enough to fact check that notion of yours before sending it over, now did you? youve embittered and burned your ties with me. and none the less. you factually and all levels fundamentally were wrong doing it. shame on you, immature dumbass!)

((yes i had the gumption to be briefly rude because of what you said dirk. future me will and always can apologize if you come back.))

okay i wilk keep it pinned for a little longer...until i literally have skmething better to pin and want to i guess. i do but... maybe giving it a day or somethng idrc atp

yes no im apologozing now..dkrm..im sorry flr being rude for a moment there ok. OKAAY mybe this is a littlecbit of FLEETING EMOTION FLIPPANXY. BUT IT IS BECAUSE I DIDNT LIKE BEING RUDE! i never like being rude. i wont message you again either bud its okay. im sorry. thats never changing. you should know that.

and um. sorry for egery typo. its just. im never distressed typoing its just that im typing fast because i have a lot to say and have to get it out quickly to complete the full fatass thought and then on before i lose it.

keep rerradng the screenshot and gavong more to say....

im sorry for the trouble. if you were never truly okay with our relationship. and were merely feigning that it was all fine with you. or that you were attracted to me at all to begin with. did you feel obligated to? and or outside of "the moment", did you not feel any love for me? or disgust and self loathing for it if you did?

i apologize for forcing you into a relationship with me. as that seems to be the case. you know id always be there to attempt to soothe your mind when you felt such ways and expressed it.

i dont know what you saw in me but it wasnt for my age. or for pervy reasons. i have good intuition to believe it spanned far past those things. i remember you liked me because i was forward and knew what i wanted in gensral.and from you especially.

i know you never intiated the wanting to date stuff. i did because i was into you. im guessing it was one sided.

the post doesnt like me updating it anymore ir refreshrd on me mid para.

anuway reread again i guess i sorta read that wrong but whatever points sustained fir relevancy.

anyway dirk. we didnt "get along" because you wrrent trying to when i was hsving extrene difficulty doing so and thusly our "lifestyles clashed".

brojokasa. it was a one time event. featuring my one time events. in a scenario where whatevrr this was, from your life style, has never beeb brought up/predisckosed before it happened. we never talked about it before it happened.

now. this is the big crazy inportant part. if you brought this uo before abd we spoke about it? because you know i akso have the co dependancy issues. MAYHAPS i couldve requested what i needed. what was just a little more than you defaultly gave. and MAYHAPS you wouldve known and listened.

now seeing as ive found things to entertain mysekf wjth. and can fubction mentslly entertained abd jhst fine without you. as ive learned during my time alone. this would literally never be a problem again.

and well.. rereading my whole post. yes... i did want you back... and wished we could be okay as boyfriends. but id like to specify i never thought it was an achievable goal abd thus an unreakistif exoectation. also. feelings have died ever since you left. they will continue to die as per request of that breakup.

now. if we were together and you wouldve had htslk with me beforehand. i wouldve kept feelings foe yiu....

WELL. Ok. how does this...look here okay. i cheated on you because yiu werent there and. i was upset with not getting attention from you...

well i guess this ckuldnt have gonr any better.NOT BLAMING YOU DIRK BUT..we shouldve talked about it. ok. please. i wouldnt of been upsef and sad enough to do all that i would want to remaib fairhfull....IT STILL SOUNDS KIKE IM BLAMING YOU. im like... not bro. im sorry. likei did all that and it was all pre exjsting issuesi had but. well i acted reeeaaltllly shityty and did a lot of hprrible things that i dint want to do again.

MISTAKES WERE MADE. ones of which i can only give you my word abd action i wont commit agsin abd im reeeaaally sorry ok. urrgg.. iccant like. look ive. explained so much how sorry i am which is a lot. a lot if times. PLEASE trust me that i AM still sirry and WILL CONFJNUE TO NOT DO AJY OF THAY TO ANYONE AGSIN!

we are focusing on this one thing. this whols break up causing event. and i just dont want it to be an issue anymore.

its almost like i..shudders. dhave to deal witb the consequejces if my actions? (wow so shocking. retard.)

dirk i am sorry. i do not know how to process my failures meaningfully outside of some kind of. mechanical process of fixing and progression or somethibg.

im not a robo..youre not a robo.. my feelings here are very true and mushy and i feel bad and upset about all of this even though it seems im horrible ag communicatibg them. cibsequences for my bad actions equals me feeking bad and nit wanting to do bad actikns agsin. in this case i do not want to hurt you or upset you ever agsin. and also i do not want to be unfaithful to the guy im supposed to marry and be faithful to forever. and i want to be patient with someone i respect. and how i myst respect them better...

im very sorry dirk. i mean it. and what sorry has ALWAYS meant to me. is that i (or whoevers apologizing) will never do thecbad thing they did tp the other persn ever again. and they feel regret and guilt for what theyve dlone.

typically i never say sorry to anyone because i havent thought to. but oyu nean a lot to me and i must tell you im very very sorry sir... i miss you and wabt my pal back.

im trying harder than i ever have befire. because no ones ever stayed. and ove never had friends longer than a month. i want to keep you because maybe it feels like i actually have a chance for how long weve meant so much to each other even when we were/are apart. but if you are uncomfortable with talking to me at all... and would be happier without me, wiyhout a doubbt. perhaps it truly is better you do not approve of my apologizing and wanting to befriend you again. i dl not want to make you feel negative ways ever again.k dunno if you were faking liking being my friend or even boyfriend the whole time. but it really felt like you werent. espevially the tine we refriended each other andyou said i never meant any less to yuo when we were apart.

im the guy tryong to tell that guy. even when agaginst all odds because the other guy doesnt think hell be convonced. that they could b friends again

could of course doesnt mean should to you. as. it would be secretly upsetting fir you. and you were probahly faking the whole time and i guess ill never know.

its weird. if you lied to me thatd be weird and shitty i bave never lied to you before. (putside of wiyhholding the me abusing jake info... even though. he was just as shitty and abusive as i was.)

i took you for an honest person and itd be really weird if suddenly all of that was just SHATTERED because you finaly decided to let out the truth you were neve truly able to have a genuine friendship with me-and beyond that-because i am..younger than you... i dnont get the issue and its not anyonexelses concern but ours beeteedubs but whatever im the kid obviously i just wouldnt get it.

even if im a pedo adult i wouldnt feel bpthered talkong to kids though. hopefully id be marrie to a dude down for regressing and or ageplay and yo. kids are lowk fuckmg annoynig and shitty anyway. i couldnt force myself to get turned on by one. also. the exploitation of kids is not hot at all. and it sucks. and you known even if i was being befriended by one. buddy provably aint even on my maturity level. no one can expect a kid to be. but dirk. dirk buddy... ive tried and succeeded, tried an failed, and perhaps now currently am trying and failing once again, to prove my maturity to you. to convinve you were on the same level here. the same playing field. so we can honestly converse without your worry of there beibg a power imbalence. or that yourexmanilulating me or smn... (what power imbalance anyway? were blth talking over the internet and im just as smart as you are. if not totally more.. even without a lot of expeeience with most of lifes more other stuff outside of any relationship stuff and socialness and psychology...)

i grasp all of what you mean.and as it stands. will stick to my side of the debate to prove my point the best i intellectually can manage too.

i hope i did well. i hopecyou come back if and when you feel bettereventually. i dont need you and can live without you. but i want you. and want to prove i can handle you and make myself work thexway i should with someone i love and wwnt tl ve conmitted to...

HOWEVER THAT IS not an invitation to dating again i dlnt want to date you again. i canpretend to not like you as more than a friend if it means you stay and i can..maybe...confess to you when im older and if i feel the same and still dont really find anyone else... and hopefully we arent instantaneously drawn to each other the moment were back in good health and on better speaking terms.

my romance feelings. i cannot force them to go away. but theyve gone away theclonger youre gone. dirk my boy. i dlnt want you to hate being wjtg me and be uncpmfortable with me.

i find these points odd because you werenf uncomfortanle with me when we were talking and such in general. and when we were when we were dating i was kind and eased your mind and explained it is okay actually because it was.

i understand you mention this snd it is true yiu feel those eays with others. but the relevancy of it to me i cant quite find.

you should hopefully know well enough by now. and adter everything ive said then and now.. i am not like the others mister.

especially no pther kid would have a crush on you, for good crushworthy reasons (maybe for bleak empty weirdo parasocial reasons because you dont talk to kids at all and as a crush that will not be sustained for long at all), and especially act on it and continue to. no other boy could want you so certainly the way i have. no other could earn your attentions the same either. none of this is flippant or fleeting at all! i want you!

tunblr dlesnt like me typing to update this. if any more updates maybe written in a pifture and then attached.

i want you back pal wise and i think you and i could figure out the best tging for you. because i know im alright with you having to be alone sometimes -> it shouldnt be that of a big deal with mr and i can accept tgat and furthermorexwhy and what to do with myself alone. and also much preger you have your alone time and be feeling bettrr than us both not feeling better when i flip out and crap over nothing and then you have to leave. much bettercthan you leaving if ididnt start shit to begin with!. i dont need any mor than what you "defaultly gave me" abd realize its also more of a be needing to be more patient and grateful thing. (GIVEN! TWO THINGS I STRUGGLE A LOT WITH..and gotta be better at..😔#learning life lessons lowk...) and also need to be more inventive/creative with what i do with myself alone. which ive had time nowcto figure out and will cobtinue to hav time to figire out other ways to whether or not you come back...

i was being a total brat. i admit it yo. sorry for my foolish asSbbs

and. sirry fir. like. going on lots of alts ans haddassing yku almost making you deFtivate. crazy and another thing youdidjt deservef. more crazy actions out of desoiration. and another example of something i shouldjt of done if i were patiejt and gace yiu spsce berore tryung to talm to oyou again at all... i was acting very frazu during this whole thing iand it was very wrong i hnddrstand... and of course all of it ruins my relatiobshuo wjth you. something id like tockeepand better! somethijg ive had to learn to be better at.. beter at getting along with you...it is my failt we dkdnt get alkng in the end...im not erasing everything contradicting this stuff beforee it. because im kazy and itll lrobsboy stil be wirth resding anyway. in sorry dirk. becaus it was my fault. my acyions are all because of me and nit because of you.. as i did such things before you and its something in fully respknsible for controllibg and nit doing... in prrspective km not good atchanging at all! but um. relarionships...new to it...it would tske a while to fi. to me to bstruly selfaware and acknowkedge my actiobs correctly.. i musg realize this.

hurrrhhn. im tired. sorry for the trouble. trying to make up my mind heren and i think this is the best ive thought so far. i thknk i can stick with this line of thoygt.

i love you a lot dirk.....even if you dk not like to hear it its true and i know it is...even ifi wasnt gooid at loving you. it wont change how were good as pals as well. even if im not even the most amazing friebd ever..

weve gotten so far its just so sad seeing it all fall aoart so soon. but i can accept it. and move on how i must...! im sorry for making you uncomfirtable. a friendship woluld of course not be viable if you arent comfirtabke or happy with continuing tp speak to me. even though ive been lead to believe you were and enough to feel lots of love fo me when we spoke. which im. jhstn not shre about now i guess. im going to bed now 2:41 AM

okay anyway its morning now. we were good friends who always had good conversation and seemed to be on the same brain knowledge level. and or at least got allong well.

its been a whilecand we havent talked for good reasons. so perhaps you have forgotten.

i dunno!

i could always prove to be a good and talkative friend again. we never really had an issue getting along before i mean.

until what happened.... and it was my fault. so im sorry. its not gonna happen again. as i would literally not like to do any of tgat ever again. thats all i got for you bud.

its so sad you think so less of me.

i cwn kind of see why of course but outside of tha the disrespect is kinda uncalled for.i dunno ive been qute respectfhl this entire time.

and i guess a lot ofmy opinions form and shift here. but bever once held out for you or saved mysedlf for you.

again just cajtfind anyine better and im not even really looking. itd be so cool if i got someone slse sure. perhaps you really want that. but i kind of dont because i literally dont csre.

i apologize lots for my shitty behavior caused while you were struggling.. id never wish to do such things. and rsther prefer and see the value in giving you yiur soitude.

its a shame i had to learn this way but there wasnt any other way.

outside of that dirk. we were totally good.

i dont see the point in shoving me off considering everything here. i get its uncomfirtavle to listen and im sorry. surely the whole thing has shit on your slready down parade and mads you ten x worse and emotionally unavailable and very much defensive.

all if which im very sorry fir snd id like to care for you in better ways if you ever do return...

and also its not vice versa youre also a good friend abd i want to keep having good friend times with you. i asnt hsppy or comfirtable ay thode times if when iflipped out and also replie tocyour parsgrspjs. obvioysly i wascin s mentally ill state of mind.

you didnt groom me and i had no good reason to say those things. so presently i rsther you believe me now clarifying everything than me then sort of really stumbling.

its been many days and i jump back from things easier than you do. not a slight on you. just that we different in many ways: specificallt with hiw w3 handle things, snd such as this way.

as a certified knight of time... moving on how i have is only in my nature. im not sure how to explain it outside if just sayigng im a knightvof time bro.

ifou know what thats like you know im all the ways constantly full of energy for whatever i must tackle head on. i get over things quickly and spend my time devising solutions on how to move forward productively. i can clearly see youre different. and can only restore yourself by being stuck in the past and not considering how things mightve changed while youre busy being upset alone.

now thats fine. but it took me this time and will continue to to truly learn how to respect that. i find leavjng you alone to be better than cheating and making you lesve me when i spiral. back then when i wa with you? i did not know that.

i did not know to properly and fully respect you. or why i should. or how to. but these are all things i shouldve, couldve, and now have presently unveiled.

no matter how much my opinions shifted duribg this time. i will reach a cinckusion. and move on to the next better cinclusion. as i always have.

this is also to say. when recovering from my worst ethical (kierkegaardian wise) it takes an ethical man to logically burn it all down and reform into something improved.

its wrong, in my eyes, to say wed be better off without the other. because not only for those predisclosed reasons. but because if you were in a better mental state. i dont think youd agree with your past self on that.

im proposing if we went with your better judgement. you could give me a second chance and have me in your friendslist. you set the terms whether i bother you or not while you arsbt in a willing to talk state. but i want us, regardless of any of this, to be on good terms moving past what happened.

its been days and im over it. which is easy for the guy who fuckedup to say. but im over it and want to be there for you when you are as well.

i dont want you to hold on to the misconceptions you have about me. of course i wouldnt.

i want you to know i aint the guy who could do that ever again and disrespect you so hard when you cant taje any disrespect remotely.

and most importantly id like to ease your mind and hopefully see if you can find comfort in someone so willing to prove hes better.

im better now. but to keep being better. its not gonna stop with you obviously.

im taking time out of time that could be spent any other way to consider you. something i want to be better at but often fail.

youve left me alone to form my own ideas. so ill always try to havs better ones.

however in relation to you while youre mainly silent and rather not talk at all that is tough! 😅

again i simply propose we make up eventually? because ill always be sorry... every reason i shouldbe and no reason i shouldnt.

[nonesensegibberish]

Nine months

I guess my last post was nine months ago, or thereabouts. To make it easier for future-me: 9/21/24 is the current date. Do you remember? The 21st night of September? Im still alive. I wanted to say 'despite my best efforts', but that wouldn't be true. I've managed to keep from having any new attempts. Not even any cutting. Its good. I should be happy about that. I dunno. I feel like I should be happier. Thats what I was coming here to mumble and whine about. I'm better than I once was, truely. I'm doing more and more often... Maybe not in comparison to january. Maybe I was better in january... But I think I'm better than I was january of LAST year, at the very least. I have more friends than I once did, and closer ones at that. Ones that I dont feel like a burden around. I have FANS. Can you believe that? Honest-to-god *fans*. It feels like I should be closer to what I've always dreamed- than I ever have been before. So why do I still feel empty? I'm running out of HRT. My insurance is gone. I'm having to use crypto to buy DIY estrogen over a shady website. But some people, kind as can be, have chipped in to help me pay for it. God- the entire MONTH of august- I was given so much by people who are so kind. I gave incentive, sure. I made it feel like a transaction for my own sanity. But still. People liked me THAT much. So why do I feel unloved and useless? I'm 'working'. I'm doing decent things. I'm helping where I can. So why am I still a failure? I dont know. It feels like I'll never be meaningfully happy. It feels like nothing will ever truely go alright, or if it does I wont ever be able to appreciate it. It hasn't been all roses. This entire year has felt like non-stop strain and suffering. My dog is dead. My grandpa is dead. We have a new dog who I cant find it in me to love. My family is falling apart. I continue to be a drain, who cant work to save her life. I don't know. It feels like the slightest things set me off, now. A slamming door, a raised voice. I nearly exploded and broke down just from dropping some food. I'm getting constant headaches and tiredness. I don't know. I just want it to stop. I want things to go alright for a little while. I'll live. I will. I just hate myself sometimes, and this life I live. I want everything to be better. The happy days feel so temporary and slight. It is what it is. I dont know what I even am saying anymore. I dont know what the point of all this was- if it had one. I just want to scream into the void, but I don't want to bother anyone. Having a fanbase is kind of hard. I want to say things. I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to be allowed to be vulerable and drop my guard. I want to be able to vent my frustrations publicly. Thats why this is here, I guess. I don't know why you're reading this. In all likelyhood- no one else ever will. But YOU still are, me. You'll read this later down the line- some other day. Why. What do you get out of it? Will you be looking on with pity? Will you be a better person than I am right now? Will you be sad for the life you used to live? Or will you be looking with anger and frustration? Annoyed as I suck on my silver spoon, and cry at the taste of it? Is it worse? Are you worse off? Is life even harder? I hope it isn't. Im so sorry if it is. You deserve love. We both do. I hope Lexi is still tolerating us. I hope mom is always going to be healthy. I hope dad is better. I hope our friends still are our friends. I hope that you aren't the me that looks on with envy at who I am right now. I'm sorry that I'm not better. I'm sorry. I want to be, but I'm weak. Too weak. I want to be appreciative of what I have, but its never enough.

Do you still like Porter Robinson and tabletop games? Do you still have Jack, and Liz, and Sarah, and all the others? Do you love yourself? I hope you do. I hope you are everything I wish to be. ... If you're reading this, and you aren't me...? Well... Then I'm sorry. That must have been meaningless to you. But it cant be any less meaningful than any of the rest of this, can it...? I don't know. Maybe you get something out of it. Maybe it somehow helps. I hope it does. I hope you're doing okay, whoever you are. I hope the world is kind to you. I hope the world is kind to all of us.

Goodbye for now. Maybe I'll see you in 9 to 10 more months.

-A thing which is... 20% or 50% dying.

[euphoricdr3ams]

as trash as it is. its something very releasing to vent to the internet about my problems than to just write in journal where i basically just feels like I'm talking to myself...

I've been talking to myself so much in my head that i want basically need to share with the outside people. But thats a double edge sword because people are tired and exhausted and have their own shit going on. And if they do have the emotional capacity to deal with me. Its a slippery slope. Like how real can i really be with you. if i say this one thing will i make you upset about something you repressed too.

But I also can't be on a constant zoom call with my therapist either soooooo to the internet I come with all of my problems. :)

I think what im gonna do right now while under the influence is unpack at least one statement via written format that my friends have been screaming at me for months. that if it could just instantly process in my mind what would it be.

She said "I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think. You are worthy. And i wish you appreciate yourself as much as i appreciate you"

I may have messed up that up but that was the gist of it. Sooooo that was really sweet and honestly lets just start here and maybe we'll come to a realization by the end of this post.

Its kinda telling my first reaction was how i feel like ive been slacking in the friend department and how i wanna just rush and be done with all of this so i can be the bright and bubbly person i knew myself to be.

"I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think."

I kinda just at here and stared at this statement for about 3 mins. Well on first notice. When i try to repeat that to myself it sounds like nice and definitely some stuff i said to hundreds of people in my life. Permeant and passing guest in this story. But repeating that phrase back to myself just sounds phony.

Like what is so interesting about me that assumes i deserve better. Like at the end of the day, we're all humans so why should i live with this air of what i assume is arrogance that I am immune to the trails of this life and that I who has had such a leg up in this world. Deserve more than someone else who there's no competition has had it way worse. So to everyone else yes to me no. Honestly thats BS. I should give myself the same grace and space as i do everyone else but its like when i try to reach for the empathy string for myself its as if we've run out of thread.

Like if life was a game. Which it is. Then, how can someone who came in with at least plus 2 fuck up so bad. Like at this point. I would just be somewhat happy to finish. Cuz trying to make some sort of rebound or comeback from that sounds impossible so why even try to let that idea sink in your head. So at this point. Just finishing is a leg up. Cuz even that is alot. And its kinda like how dare you like waste the efforts of the people who helped you get to this point. Like its a long history. Your ancestors and the people in your life right now so how could you fuck up. Like you should have been really paying attention when people are sharing their stories. You would have saved yourself so much headache. soooooooooo why should i dream about better. I know im stuck in a toxic thinking trap with that last blurb but like this isn't no healed chronicles. We're basically starting from the beginning and maybe we'll reach some healed state by the end.

I guess since my thoughts are basically below the earth crust. It's hard to imagine better than where i'm at right now. I paused tbh. I let the same song loop twice before really type again. I think theres something below the earth crust and thats about how dark my thoughts are. XD

its not funny. but its also hilarious at the same time. Yea my perception of myself so down. I felt the most full as a person and as a human being when i had my ex. Like i felt like i was better and i could do better and that i was worthy. And its not like he was really all that. Honestly he was a piece of shit. If the two people i have on here actually made it down this far. They could write a 100 page paper on how trash he was and how he doesn't deserve anything good ever again. But that level of anger i cant find it there for him fullly. Most of that resent is back at me for not smacking the dog shit out of him and leaving. He even suggested i do it. and i couldn't. I really loved that man and the thought of doing that even after all that is so bad. I wouldn't forgive myself. I wanna be able to do that but its not there cuz i dont deserve it. ughhh. Like all i can really feel is sorrow that i couldn't be all that he needed and thinking i failed him.

Im really pathetic.

I'm kinda really happy that i'm so lit right now cuz i would be having a whole meltdown.

Like the thought is that, at least he wanted to stay for a while. Most ppl just take an immediately leave. They dont even ask so i should be grateful.

Honestly I think thats part of the reason Why i was so happy regardless of the situation. Also doesn't help I have this song on loop. It about the listener be happy to die right now because they already found their person so they've already peaked. Its like a love song out of desperation instead of confirmation that the other person feels the same.

if i would have died during that relationship i would have said i went out happy. This was how i felt before all the fuckery started. I was so happy with my love and just him that i could have been just happy. He never was. He wanted more as he sucked all of that in the moment happiness i had and turned it into just a depressing mess. Turned it into someone who has so much anxious energy its ridiculous.

Out of the 2323232323233232323232232323232 *many* people i have had sex with at least he wanted to be here :) for a bit until he basically just lied about everything and took off his facade. Then i was tossed out like the trash. its coool i find a way to recover. Even if i have to just :). My way out of this. It's worked a bit up to this point. Why would it not work now...... right? I'm fine. I have no choice but to be.

I was gonna finish this but I'mma need a minute. Maybe that was ambitious of me. I feel a bit panic-y and dizzy so imma just chill for now. Till next time i guess

[lolatalks1]

wed, dec 6 2023

this is my first real journal entry, and i dont think dear diary is fitting to start this. i mean its just tumblr. i started this little blog because i need somewhere to vent, and so here i am. that sounds like my pinned post but its whatever. im not sure why im typing like im talking to someone, so i think i should stop explaining myself.

ive heard its good to write out how you feel, so i think im going to do just that. (im explaining myself again)- today was at first a good day, i woke up relatively early and was able to get ready for school quicker than i do normally- which is a win in my book. i was able to lay in my bed- which i need to wash the sheets of. my dog keeps laying where i sleep, which flares up my bad acne. i cant blame him though, i practically leave my side of the bed in a perfect napping position for him. anyways- i was able to lay down and read a little of this cute story about a single mother and a man in the military being her neighbor! very cute, very cute. then my dad took me and derek around eight o' five, then we got to school, and it was super cold outside. having to stand and wait for the doors to open is not enjoyable- at least i had derek -my cousin- with me. recently ive been a little harsher with him, but i thinks its because ive been a bit on edge with everything as of late. i dont mean to ignore- i think i should start working on that. he already has a lot going on.

continuing, i went to class. first period was tame, i mean nothing too much happened. really essentially a free day. aryeana ? im not sure how to spell her name now that i realize it- but she was there talking with jacob about whatever. sometimes i feel a little outcasted when with them- but i guess thats because im not that much of a conversational person when i cant think of a topic that will be enjoyable for all of us. i mean, i like anime and overwatch- and some more things. all those things they either dont like or make fun of- so theres no middle ground for us to converse on. i mean, only thing i can talk about is boys with ary. but its more so talking about aryeana's endless snaps with multiple guys and shes boasting about it- as well as boasting about her not being able to talk to guys. she is really contradictory. i dont hate or get mad at her though, shes nice to me. and cate is there- she kinda helps me relax. shes just a very nice person and since ive known her for so long i dont feel like i have to be super fake with them.

i think- well i know- my day went downhill when my mom finally replied to my messages. i had texted her about going to cam's surprise birthday dinner on sunday night- and she said yes! but then i asked her about saturday, if i can go shopping with her. i needed to go to barnes and noble to get multiple books that several people wanted for christmas, and maybe the mall to get some other things like candles from bath and body works. but anyways- she then revealed shes not going to be here this saturday- more so this entire weekend.... fun.

i just dont understand how she can just go i mean- i know where shes going- hell the whole family does. its nothing new, but the fact its such a repetitive thing and she always did it around familial times (thanksgiving and now christmas). i really dont get, seriously. and ive come to learn that she goes to some town with a new guy each time. what happened to her being with ron? her last boyfriend- i knew of at least. my nana mentioned she didnt like him because how he treated my mom, so im guessing he was abusive or really shitty. i dont care, and i guess thats a bad thing. i see it as karma now. i use to feel bad, want to console her. but ive lost it. lost that empathy.

anyways, she just makes me so- angry. to the point i can't focus on happier aspects of things because shes simply just so intoxicating with her narcissistic behavior. shes so aware that what she does angers and breaks the family, but she cant find it in herself to realize that its bad. how? im not sure. she didnt have a horrible upbringing nor a traumatic event with my dad. so i cant find a genuine reason behind what she does. its whatever, i keep trying to myself i shouldnt care so much. but i cant help it. it affects my home life, makes me i guess more so depressed? i dont want to self diagnose though. but shes the reason behind my upset outlook for today. hell even started playing class of 2013 by mitski- the lyrics hitting a bit too close to home. so yeah. thats all for now i guess, im not sure how journalling works. i guess ill start learning.

[theppandaboyyy]

hi so im having a crisis at the moment and really need advice. this post will be really long (probably) and if you dont want to read it thats fine. i just need a space to vent and maybe get some advice from some people.

so i am 16 years old. ever since i was newly 6 years old, i started watching minecraft youtubers. the first one i ever watched was dantdm. i remember feeling so safe and at home when i watched him as a kid. i used to get bullied really badly in elementary school, so when i had a bad day at school or if i really just had a bad day in general and was overwhelmed, i turned to dan’s content. it gave me a space to feel safe when life got too crazy for me. as i got older, i stuck with dantdm for comfort. i started getting really into minecraft, and finding more content creators who liked the same things i did. i remember watching the first episode of dandtm’s diamond dimensions series, and i realized something. THIS is what i want to be when i grew up. i wanted to make content, i wanted to be able to just mess around on a minecraft server with my friends or by myself and people enjoy it. i wanted to make people smile. i even made some stupid vlogs on youtube, just because it made me happy. i went to school with this aspiration, and it got shot down. people told me that since i was born a female, i would never make it. i would never be what i wanted to be. and my little self couldnt understand that because ldshadowlady made it. laurenzside made it. i just couldn’t understand why people were telling me i would never make it as a little girl when some of the people that inspired me were female. so after that, i kept that to myself and went along with every other little girl my age. “i wanna be a vet!” butthat never felt right to me. now as i got to middle school, i was scared to tell people who i wanted to be. i was in my shell, scared to make people see who i actually was. i found my friends over the years of middle school, and they gave me a little bit of the confidence i needed back then to be who i am today. when covid first happened, i was at a low point in my life. i couldnt see my friends, my cousins, my crush at the time, and it mentally killed me. being on my own with nothing to do all day killed me. but, i found my outlet in playing video games. i would play on my dads old systems in my basement, i would play super mario brothers, this one racing game we had, sonic, all the old stuff. and when i wasnt playing those, i was on my dads pc playing roblox with my friends, playing free games on steam, or the sims. i really found my way of getting out my stresses and just havung fun. now around that time, i discovered the dream smp. which at the time, was a new multiplayer server that a couple streamers were on. i watched technoblade first, but because of him u discovered people like dream, sapnap, tommyinnit and tubbo. now i really looked up to tommy and tubbo, theyre only a two years older than me and theyre doing exactly what ive aspired to do since i was 6 years old. i watched their content, watched what they did. i wanted to be just like them. my yearning to be a streamer only grew as i was watching more and more people who were very close to my age grow and succeed at doing what i want to do. now, i have people in my life who have supported me in becoming a content creator, i have the money to buy a gaming setup. i still really, really want to be a content creator. i want to give people, kids, the same safe space that dantdm gave me. i mean when i was overwhelmed, or scared, or had a bad day, they were what i turned to to make myself happy. now as ive gotten older, ive learned so much about content creating and how it can mess with your head if youre not careful. how it can go wrong and not gain any traction at all. but i really, really want to do this. but at the same time, i have another job aspiration i could do. but i know that id forever regret not at least trying to be a content creator. i guess what im here to ask is, what should i do? should i just take the jump and try streaming ? (if you made it this far ily thank you for reading my little rant <3)

[gwendolynalbrecht]

You Tubers on Twitter - Frustration - Transphobia?

I had a few days to let this interaction sit, but I decided to vent my frustration about this guy finally. I will censor out the parties involved. (Just to be on the moral high ground really). But first things first I want to make clear that Im not trans myself. Im AroAce and at most confused about myself. But still I felt like sticking up for the original poster who he randomly lashed out at, because it felt like the right thing to do. So I followed this art commentary (turned gaming commentary) You Tuber for a while. When I finally made a Twitter I of course followed my favorite You Tubers there too. Now he had his "Anti-SJW" moments in the past but nothing major, he seemed nice otherwise. But on Twitter you quickly learned how much good editing can make a person. On Twitter he was insufferable. (Unless he was sharing art) He would awkardly beg for money, "jokingly" baiting his followings to pay him to review "horrible" media. And they paid him for some reason, absurd amounts of money too. But its his following. What really began to annoy me was his intense focus on negativity. He made opinion pieces of games and media and then when he got strong responses to his "objective" opinion pieces he would drag the comments out to his twitter and pick them apart, feeding the people to his following. Not blurring out their usernames or anything. This is where this mess started. I noticed his anger towards "SJW" aka queer people finding him annoying. In this situation I noticed that he for no good reason lashed out at an unrelated (possibly trans) person, because he didnt like their gaming opinion about Persona 4. Specifically Naoto. And I found him needlessly hostile towards someone who hadnt tagged him or even replied to them. He just sought them out to get mad at someone. So I decided to call him out for it, nicely of course, and tried to explain why the person probably had this opinion. But he was just weirdly obsessively defensive over Naoto really truely not being trans. (Maybe they are his one true waifu or something) So I tried to move away from Persona 4 and Naoto specifically. And hoped to have a mature converstaion about these uninspired storytelling tropes. You know the one: About a person crossdressing as the other gender but once the main character changes their mind and makes them be true to themselves they go back to being their original gender. Usually female presenting male. The damsel needing fixing. Yeah that kinda shitshow. I tried to get into why the person arrived at their opinion about Persona 4 in general, because in my opinion these kinda stories can spread harmful ideas if handled so poorly. (Especially in a game where you "fix" peoples minds) And how the story felt very "tell dont show" But thats where things went downhill. I was met with nothing but rudeness, hostility, defensive mental gymnastics and some absurd victim complex. He kept going on and on about Naoto not being trans, ignoring my attempts to getting away from that character and game. Honestly I think they are his waifu and he just got violently butthurt about someone not sharing his worship of them. Now eventually I muted the tweet because I realized he wouldnt bother actually talking with me, he was just being an asshole for no damn reason. I tried to de-escalte, be polite and reasonable but got no respect in return. The next day I see that he bloody vague posted about it and at that point I got annoyed and more spiteful in my tweets. Though still harmless in my opinion. I would call myself stern and cold by the end. Sadly I cant show you, I dont want to direct anyone towards him and I was blocked before I could grab more screenshots. (So please take my words with a grain of salt) He then had the audacity to play victim, thats when I got really upset. He went out of his way to attack/harrass/silence a trans person (the og poster mentioned gender disphoria, hence my assumption they might be trans or at least genderfluid). Said person didnt mention him, didnt tag him and they didnt reply to him.

[evieismol]

vent post that turns into g/t post // so im autistic and for me specifically that means its hard for me to process a lot of unexpected things at once, so driving has always been really stressful for me but i live in a rural area so i have to drive pretty frequently. i drove over to a big city nearby w a friend yesterday and it went fine i only cried once lmao, we were driving back and she put a video of us listening to music and driving on snap and another friend made a joke about how i was staying in the left lane too long. which tbf kinda was i had passed a truck and was over there for a good a minute afterwards bc im a nervous fool when it comes to switching lanes (this was like a 4 lane highway for reference), and the friend who said that didnt rlly mean anything by it but it kinda felt emotionally like a dagger to the heart.

bc i try as hard as i can and i still suck at it and thats pretty much the vibe for so many parts of my life and i feel like such a burden and then i feel like im seeking attention for even thinking that bc it sounds dramatic or like im trying to use autism as an excuse but its just like, realistically accurate. bc theres so much i cant rlly do or do well and i feel so overwhelmed all the time and then if i am able to force myself to pull it off ppl are just like well u *can* do it just try harder and im already trying to the point of having shut downs/melt downs and im so frustrated w myself.

all of that is probably why i like the g/t dynamic bc 1) i rlly relate to the tinies when they do feel like a burden but at least for them theres an obvious visible difference in why so ppl would believe them instead of deciding im just an attention seeker 2) beyond that i would make a far better 4inch tall person than i would normal person bc then i wouldnt have to drive or socialize or be ok w crowds and that would be reasonable 3) on a selfish level having someone to take care of me and not struggling sm and feeling guilty all the time would be nice

[vampiremourning]

sdffhghjhdgfhghgfhghdgfhghj ive been trying to work on this fic update for weeks but goddamn lmao i just. i am STRUGGLING which is ??? bc i still like it im still enthusiastic abt the project i simply feel like thats an unpopular stance and at this point im just getting embarrassed to keep posting my writing when the notes are just. me trying to reblog for exposure fdggh no one is obligated to ofc i know that but that post thats like ‘numbers arent everything but if you spent six hours on a cake that no one ate you might be more than a bit disappointed’ is extremely fucking real & im already having a hard time trying to convince myself im not universally disliked as-is tell me why people stop talking as soon as i contribute to the gc without fail like. every time i want to contribute i delete what i typed out bc i physically cant take this happening over and over again i dont know what i did wrong or what im doing wrong but clearly it was Something im just too stupid to figure out what. someone i am begging on my knees please explain what it is about me that repels people after a bit of time what do i lack just tell me so thats not helping either. 

im also trying v hard not to infodump about other interests at the moment bc once again. embarrassing as hell i just keep thinking abt how annoying i am rn to litcherally everyone esp when i want to talk about obscure shit no one but me is into so it feels even worse lmao. & having someone ask out of obligation feels patronizing bc i know theyre not interested about hearing about the thing its just pity. ive been the pity/obligation person my whole life and i Hate it i hate just being tolerated i hate feeling like nothing i say actually matters in the conversation and like everyone is just waiting for me to stop talking i hate the way i can see people’s eyes glaze over and how they dont even notice if i cut myself off mid sentence theyre just glad ive finally finished talking. im so deep in it im actively trying to start up some sort of maladaptive fantasy where i can to talk Guilt Free about stuff but hgjhkjj im also struggling to conceptualize a universe where thats a thing lmao i cant enjoy my comfort characters bc they would also find my ass grating gfhgh like straight up i know they wouldnt like me thinking abt that is actually just making me feel worse lmao i hate it here

ive spent so much time in my own head lately just Spinning tf out and overanalyzing every sentence i type or speak and still somehow managing to fuck up in spite of that. like its not about the fic!! its not about the fic! and i know its not bc im still working even if its slowly. really truly is not just about the fic but thats something i guess more acceptable to complain about bc at least people kinda understand that frustration even if its cringe to vent about but at LEAST. its better than this. also ive taken care of all my basic needs for the day so ive confirmed that im not just deprived of sustenance or some shit gfhgj no ive truly just been feeling like this for weekssss on end now and im so tired. i already typed a version of this in my private server (its basically just like a journal/reminder set up for myself, very convenient & gives me the illusion of replies temporarily gfhgjh) and that wasnt enough so hopefully posting here just alleviates it a bit 

[taramaclaywasaterf]

Hey guys, I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. I’m not actually, like, back back. I just need to vent, I guess.

For those who don’t know, my grandfather committed suicide. He’d been battling lung and stomach cancer for years, and the pain had gotten so unbearable that I guess he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d been in and out of the hospital for years, and the whole month leading up to his death, he was home maybe 4 nights total, the rest spent in the hospital. My dad found him. We’ve been grieving together. It’s been hard.

My family doesn’t really get along that well. Basically just me and one of my cousins are really close, but that's it. My grandfather was kinda the glue that was keeping everyone together. His death was kind of like the final string that was tying us all together being severed.

I don’t know. The police had to come. It was really really bad. They had to make sure he wasn’t murdered.

I just hope it was quick. I hope he’s with my grandmother now. That she was waiting for him on the other side, wherever that may be. That he’s not in any pain anymore. That he knows I love him so fucking much.

As for me, I just feel…I just feel fucking numb. This happened two days after the anniversary of the death of my best friend, and less than a month after the death of Trevor Moore, a comedian whose sketches made me laugh during the worst times of my childhood and whose sudden death really fucked me up.

I kinda just shut down. I didn’t really cry at all the first day. The second day all I did was cry. After that, its like my body physically stopped letting me feel anything at all. I’m just numb. And tired. And my fucking head hasn’t stopped hurting.

I walked around his house and got some things I wanted. Some old photos. Cards I made him when I was little that he kept all these years. Some love notes my grandmother wrote him when they were young. His favorite hat. I found a photo from his wedding to my grandmother, and its now hanging above my bed. Its crazy how much I look like her. How happy he looked to have her in his arms.

I also brought home his cat. I was terrified he wouldn’t fit in with my two cats and dog. But after a bit of a shaky start, and a lot of hours spent sitting with him trying to get him to trust me, he’s settled in. My grandpa rescued him from a shelter when he was a few years old. He loved my grandfather more than anything. I can tell he’s still mourning him, like we all are. But I like to think we’ve been helping each other get through it. I hope my grandfather knows I have him. That he’s not going anywhere. That he’s safe with me, and he’s happy and warm and loved. He’s curled up on my lap right now as I write this. He’s purring quietly.

I miss him. I wish I told him more that I love him. I wish I spent more time with him. I wish I could’ve at least said goodbye. I’ve been through a lot of grief in my life, and it never fucking gets easier. I wish I could take this feeling out of me leave it somewhere for a while. I wish I could fix things. I wish my dad didn’t have to see what he saw. I wish I could make it better for him. I wish this wasn’t how things were.

As for how I am right now, well, I’m laughing. Hysterically. And crying. A lot. I took a break writing this post because it was getting too hard, so I distracted myself by watching dumb videos on my phone. Until this video of Trevor Moore popped up in my Youtube recommended:

And now I genuinely can’t fucking stop laughing. Like, holy fucking shit, Trevor. You really had a way of making jokes that are flat out prophetic, huh? Here I’ve been, on the verge of relapse for the past month over how bad your death fucked ME up, and here you are, years ago, calling me out for how completely and utterly ridiculous I am. And the fact that I’m even writing THIS right NOW makes it even worse! Look at me, acting as if you fucking died to make me learn a fucking lesson! As if my own fucking grandfather died to make me appreciate life more! As if my best friend wrapped her goddamn car around a tree just to make me realize how precious fucking friendships are! As if the entire fucking universe revolves around deliberately fucking my life up! Its pathetic! Its fucking tragic and fucked up and absolutely mind-blowingly fucking pathetic! And yet here I am, writing on the fucking internet to you, Trevor, still doing the same fucking thing! And I can't fucking stop laughing, because this is the most Trevor fucking thing I can possibly think of!

Like. I don’t even know what to do anymore, guys. I know I said I’d be taking a break, and I still am. I just needed to get this out. I don’t want to bother my friends with it, they’re worried enough about me as it is right now. They're kinda treating me as if I'm made of glass right now, which I understand, but its still frustrating. I know they just want me to be ok, and just want to keep me from doing anything stupid and fucking up my life again, but still. Being treated like a paper doll at a waterpark is getting tiring. I guess it just speaks to how entirely not-great I'm doing- that even my closest friends aren't making jokes about this shit- they're acting like I'm some fragile fucking child. But yeah.

Again, I know they mean well, and they just really don't want to see me get sucked down into that fucking void again, but I want to be distracted from all the fucked up things in my life. I want to laugh about it, and not be constantly fucking reminded of how bad things are every time I catch them looking at me like I'm some sad little puppy dog they found on the side of the road.

Oh! to top it all off, I got a letter in the mail yesterday. From my mother. Who I haven't spoken to in around a decade, because she was an abusive addict who made my childhood hell. She wants to have fucking coffee and "catch up." Jesus fucking christ, why now. Seriously. Why fucking now? Nothings been released publicly about my grandfather yet- the only people who know about it is immediate family, and everyone on my dad's side of the family fucking hates my mom almost as much as I do, so there is no way in hell anyone told her about it. So this is just a total coincidence. A giant fucking cosmic "fuck you." (Oh, look, there I go again thinking my existence is meaningful enough to the entire enormity of the universe that it would target me specifically to fuck with! Jesus fucking christ!) Like, I swear to god this fucking woman has some sort of alarm in her brain that says "oh hey, my daughter is at one of the the lowest points in her life?? Time to drop on by and say hello!!!!"

Just...I don't even know. Fuck. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get through all this shit, yall.

Well. Anyway. Thats it for now.

Find Kony 2012, I guess.