#and thats why i make a point not to post too much venting. least of all abt personal rl stuff

[skyjynxart]

.

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.

[vorpalfae]

ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞���😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

[snufflepup]

I'm glad you'll check it out! Though sorry, I'm like kinda just ranting on about my favorite media in these asks -_-' but I can't wait to see if you like it! I like knowing people like the things I recomend^^ I loved loved Mike and Mal, but since I saw season one back a bit ago, I was a total Duncan fan girl (now fanboy lol) >.< he's just so!!!! Yk? Though his character development over the seasons wasn't the best :< I remember I liked Gwen and zoe a lot, and scott was cool too from what i remember. I used to hate Alejandro, but tbh he warmed up to me in the last season he was in, I think. And there's the book of Bill that came out recently, teasing at stuff, though. idk if anyone knows what's going on with it lol. And I think I might be fine on watching that video, it takes a lot to make me cry (not to try and be insulting or anything). I think the last time I cried was when my gf broke up with me, but I mean before that Idk when I cried lol.

I remember when I was 5, I'd cry every night cause I thought the sun would explode and we'd all die lol. I think tears would look cute on you, a cute little puppy face all puffy and wet with tears, ahh! It just sounds the cutest!<3 but yeah, I had existential dread at that age too, wondering whats the point in living if no one will really actually care. Thats why i wanna become a famous youtuber one day! Then everyone would remember me, or that'd be the plan. Though the older i get, the less i feel like that dream is obtainable for me. All that youtube cares about is clickbait and dumb shit, and i cant see myself gaining an audience cause i mean i post on my tiktok weekly and i struggle to even get 100 views, so its kinda depressing the more i think about it. I used to be so hopeful and excited to be able to share myself online and make people happy, but it kinda just feels out of reach now. And given I used to be a gifted kid, I mean I could have actually done something with myself when I was younger, but as I got older I just couldn't apply myself as easily and gave up on thinking entirely. I actually can't think at all because of that and just hope I understand the concept on the first try like before or I'm fucked lol. I'm actually sad now kinda and realized I just kinda vented to you- sorry puppy :<

-ike<3

It's alright ! I don't mind at all !!

I remember liking him in the beginning, but not so much later on, I understand what you mean about his character development didn't go in the best direction !! I'm really excited for whatevers going on with it ! I feel like I can get really emotional very easily at times, I wouldn't say that I cry a lot but . I kind of do at the same time . I recently cried over a video of someone talking about how they lost one of their pets, and the other one missed them a lot and stuff . I probably cried harder than I should have . It was so sad (◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ) aaa ! I'm blushing . /pos

I think I had the same kind of thoughts, the memory is a little fuzzy now though, so I don't really remember exactly what they were. I'm sure if you keep at it, you can do it !! I think, from what I know at least, it's definitely harder than what it was at like the start of youtube and like you said it's all like . click bait and disengenuous and things like that, but I also see a lot of people talking about how they don't like it so I'm sure that means it's not hopeless ^–^ A lot of people also say you should do what makes you happy, and not to focus so much on views and stuff but idk ! I'm not one so take what I say with like a grain of salt !! Growing up is hard. . . I think it's okay to feel like things are harder now, because they are ! I don't think that means your not like, gifted or anymore, I think it just means things have changed . Sorry I don't think I made very much sense. . . I feel like I just said things, but I'm trying to say I think you are still important

I hope you feel better now ! I'm sorry this took so long, too

[lilac-set]

Theres nothing good that could come of me reblogging and adding onto the post i just saw so im gonna make a post about it

I think the problem is that this was a vent post that people were taking a discourse post, but OP’s goal wasnt nuanced discussion, it was to vent, so they took it as a threat and lashed out at any replies trying to have a discussion

The post was basically saying that it isnt fair that the rest of the world is under the authority of another government they dont even get to elect (the usa), which is absolutely true

A couple usamericans tried to say what im saying now but got about as misinterpreted as possible, i think. Because, again, responses were not welcome on this post. They werent trying to make everything about themselves, but were trying to defend themselves on a post attacking them personally. The post was already about usamerians, they didnt derail. They weren’t defending their government on a post attacking their government, they were defending themselves on a post attacking themselves

Because for some reason OP made this about american people rather than the american government

They (the americans) said “whos forcing you to care?”, that wasnt taken well, they ARE being forced to care, by the government. But i think what they were trying to say, what im trying to say, is that this is an institutional problem, not a personal problem. They werent whining about how much life in america is so much harder than it is in all the places that our government destroyed, they were trying to illustrate that we as people are doing everything we can to fix our government, for our own and the rest of the world’s sakes, not that we’re too busy with our own stupid american problems to care about all the genocides america is committing elsewhere, but that we know that us simply “caring” about whats going on isnt going to change it, what will change their situation is changing our own government, but just because we’re all doing as much as we can to make that happen doesnt mean we can just simply rebuild our country from scratch because we want to, it isnt that easy

What they were trying to say was that we’re in a similar boat of being oppressed by our government, youre punching laterally at us, not up. Not trying to make it about themselves, not trying to absolve their government, but just not being sure why this is being aimed at them as, ya know, not the government

It’d be like if during ww2 instead of saying “nazis are evil and deserve to die” or “hitler is evil and deserves to die”, you said “all german citizens are evil and deserve to die” - its understandable as a vent, but it just isnt true. And then you get a bunch of germans on your post like “actually we hate what’s going on and we’re really trying hard to change it” and you respond like “im gonna kill a german just because you said that, you really cant stop making it all about yourselves, huh? This is why i hate germans”

I just dont think its helpful to make sweeping generalizations that everyone of a certain nationality is evil, one because thats just a shitty thing to do in general (not as shitty as everything our government is doing, obviously, but again, at us people youre punching laterally. We could play the oppression olympics and make a detailed ranking of exactly which types of people in which countries have it the worst, and yeah probably no american is gonna be at the very bottom of that list, but i dont think that list *matters*, youre dead whether you drown in an inch of water or 10 feet, whether you were simply unsheltered or a nuclear bomb dropped on your town. We need to be on the same team), but also… how do i explain this… its disheartening, as americans, who have at least a little more power to change our own government than people elsewhere do, to be told youre evil no matter what. Theres no point in voting, theres no point in calling reps, theres no point in signing petitions, theres no point going to protests, even running for office, etc, those things have no effect on the fact that youre evil and youre part of the problem. Theres no such thing as a good action, there isnt even a neutral action, everything you can do is evil, because youre an american, so quit trying, by trying youre just making it even more about yourselves. And god forbid you participate in any sort of mutual aid to keep another american from dying, those resources could be used to keep someone good from dying

This is bad, yeah?

[unicornsaures]

urrrhhhhhvggggg i try not to make vent posts a whole ton but alas, ya girl is not doing so hot

tw// sh😁

guys do not do what i did and like. purposely trigger yourself with your own sh from a year ago because oh my god in. its. i feel so absolutely fake my scars were so much worse last year and now theyre just gone and i thought i was fully recovered its bren a year and. and im still crying over it and i thought i was done crying over it. I thought i was done crying over literal scars and i was. i mean i thought i was exaggerating when i said the closrr i get to the date ill br one year clean its getting worse and. nope! no, no that checks out!!

Its all my fault i got triggered in the first placr too. I knew what i had in my eyes only wnd i knew that checking it would only make me spiral and here i am just. crying over it. its sending me back to last year where its i just its only oj my hod i csnt be doing this again i really csnt be doingthis again ive bren doing so well and then. and i dont want to i really dont but im still tjinking about it and im still telling myself i want to but i dont i never did i always wanted to say ive been 1 year clean but i dont think ill rver even be able to make it to that point if i keeo self sabotaging like this. i mean t barely even counts ive basically just replaced cvtting with eevry other unhealthy coping mechanism under the sun but i should be better than this i shouldnt rven be thinking sbout it i shouldnt even be thinking that i can go back i shoulfny be in this situation at all and if it werent for me i wouldnt even be in this situation in the first placr ebcause i dont know how to keep myself away from tjings that i really need to stay away from

i really shouldnt be caught ip on this but its. i was. i was thinking aboht whag would happen if i would look back on photots earlier and and i knew i wouldnt be okay with it i knew i would snap the moment i did and wow its almost like forced recov only made me feel guilty for it and ohmygod kill me now i should be better than this i should be better than thjs ive had crisis called so many times ive been threatened by my parents for this so many times im worrying eveyrone around me and im only getting worse and everyone has to wastch me spiral but they cant do anything because im jsut too fucking oblivious to my own issues but im just too scared to readh out to anyone because how am i gonna say that i triggered myself without sounding like i planend this i didnt i swear i didnt plan to break down over this i promise i didnt mean for it i didnt want to cry over it i dont want to think abiut it anf i dont want to go back ive been doing sowell i swear im just worrying rveryone i dont want everyone to start checking in on mr in the morning just to make sure im still alive i font want people to messagr me in the middle of the night to make sure im not dead im so sorry ik so sorry

im just as tired as i was last year the only difference is thst im not actively trying to kill myself over it even if i really. wiuld like to thats besides the point the point is im just as weak of a girl as i was last year but last year i could at least hanfle pain now i just fucking snap whenever someone raises their voice or whenever i get. acut i break down and whenever i get hurt it only reminds me of the past 4 years that ive spent doing nothing but putting myself through mental hell and im realizing tbat ill never get begger i cant get better ive bren trying and i just csnt

i cant do it ive tried ive been trying why am i not getting anywhere why am i still stuck on the thought of sh i shouldnt be thinking about it i shouldnt miss it i shouldnt be upset that my scars are faded i shouldnt still have the ideas and images swirling aorund in my head because theyre always there and ill always have these scars and ill always br fucked ip and i wont ever be able to fix it ive had so many people worry and theyre worrying and worrying and i just dont care im such a horrible person i

i shiuldvr stopped for my parents they had to skin check me dsily for almodt a year straight and here i am just fucking itching to go grab something, literally anything just to go back and in so stupid im so stupid i did this to myself and im still being a pussy about it i shouldnt be thinming abiut it i shouldnt be crying over it whats wrong withme

[the-unicorn-system]

Alright, this will be the last message from me before I most likely delete this account after I hear any sort of reply. If at all, you dont have to respond to this if you would not like. You can block me too if you wish but, again. I promise not to bother you after this one, and hopefully leave everything behind with time. I would just like to clear up a few thoughts before I go, and keep it as civil as I can.

This is mostly just a response to you and leo-kinnie (thank you for keeping your vague post properly vague, leo-kinnie, it is seriously much appreciated) And is also so I can clear my head. This is also going to completely ignore the whole pro/anti war since its not like one message can ever change anything about that. We already have our sides I suppose.

Putting this in bullets to make it easier for me. Though I did not read all the arguments previously very thoroughly so I may have missed something..

No one sent us after you, this was on our own terms. Ell did not know about the comments or arguments until they after they had happened. (they were at work) Then after I saw them I jumped in for defense, apologies on my end.

Ell did not know you had a "neutrals dni" rule until they told you, and then heard your response. They did not "knowingly break your boundaries" you were just not clear enough with expressing them to begin with. "But It said so in my DNI" I am going to be honest, when a DNI is that long most people myself and Ell included are not going to read them. And as far as we are aware, "neutrals DNI" was not added onto it until after this whole situation.

There are plenty of other "neutral" artists you could have "called out" on this site but no, it was Ell specifically. And as far as I am aware you have not done this for anyone else. To us your post does not come off as a "call out" but a petty vent about how much you do not like them, and how much of a pedestal you put them on. You dont have a "callout" for any of Ells friends, no callout for other people with no DNI, and no callouts for the people who actually create the "problematic" content you are trying to avoid. It just comes off as petty. High School gossip levels of petty. And of course, the person who the gossip is on, is going to be upset about all the things people are spreading, true or not. You could have just kept the name on your DNI list on your pinned post with everyone else and it would have been fine, its your blog, but nope. All of China had to hear about this incident specifically.

Getting Ell kicked out of the OC comp discord server, and possibly more. Do we go around seeing what servers you are in and try to get you kicked out? No. Would you like it if we went around trying to get you kicked from communities? No you would not, thats an asshole move. Are their other neutrals in the OC comp server specifically too that you could have kicked instead? Yes, yes there are many. Why was it Ell specifically..? Again, like #3, this just comes off as petty.

Related to #4, but there has been an anon going around to other blogs asking why they are friends with Ell. We dont know if its you, its on anon, but we dont know who else it could possibly be. Along with this there was another anon who tried to get Ell kicked from the AU comp. Also unsure if this was you, or the same anon, but like I said we dont have any other leads. And I dont think it would be a stretch considering the #4 situation. If this was you, please stop. We dont go around asking strangers about their relationship to you and ask them to block you. Thats a dick move. At least we keep these sorts of conversations in private group chats. If it was not you, then do ignore this point.

This is in defense of more people you have hurt than just Ell at this point. This is in defense for Gem. And this is in defense for Star. Another reason to believe you were the anon in #5 is because of the incident with Star. Gosh. Do NOT go into anyones messages asking them their opinions and stance on another person. Seriously. Do we go around asking people what they think of you and that they should block you? No. And it horrifies me to think about how many other people you could have messaged about this. If the post you made on the rise and AU tags was not harassment, then the combo of this + #4 and possibly #5 definitely is. Indirectly anyways.

And lastly, seriously. Tumblr is where Cancel/Purity culture goes to die. Lots of people come here specifically to avoid it. We block here, and then dont do anything else after it. Please keep this culture on other websites.

All I am asking at this point is to get Ell out of your head. Stop messaging people about them. Stop making them and all of us worry our heads off thinking about what you might do to them or one of their friends next. The sooner we can all let this go and start ignoring it, the better for us all involved here.

"You guys are just upset because I made that callout post, which is not a bad thing to make" No, we are just upset about what caused and led up to it to begin with, and the stress it is causing us all. Your own stress included. In the best words I can put it, we are just disappointed.

Ell has done nothing to harm you outside calmly telling you their stance. Which, it was either that or they just kept keeping it in for you. "But Ell vague posted" the posts Ell made were in response to a multitude of situations, you were included in the list of situations sure but there we many factors. And, again. We do not spread shit about you. We have no plans to "Call you out", or get you kicked from servers/communities, or message all your friends telling you about how horrible you are. And we have done nothing of the sorts behind your back. We, and myself highly included, just ask the same from you.

Thanks. I really do hope we can move past this. Because none of us, yourself included, can if you keep posting like this.

unicornsys response: I will do my best to also respond to this as civil as possible, but I might get my tone messed up so I apologize for that. I will try to respond to each point you made with my side of the story. I can't really respond to the first one other than I do not accept any of your apologies, what each of you (you, sad-leon, and tea) did was incredibly fucking disgusting and I don't think I ever will forgive you, so don't expect a different answer.

2. Even if they didn't know about our dni, as I said in my final statement, they should have stated from the beginning that they were a defender of proshippers. But they didn't - that was the main problem I had. Even then, I drew fanart for them, and they sometimes reblogged it; that means that not once did they reblog our fanart and they didn't think to read our DNI???

3. I'm not very deep in the rise fandom on tumblr - even then, I don't see a lot of active accounts saying they're neutrals and still having a massive following. My issue was not with Ell as a whole, I'm not petty towards them, i don't hate them as a person, my problem was that someone who defends such problematic and harmful content can still be supported by their fans - literally anyone can get away with anything if you have a big enough following. And also, I think you seem to forget that we're a small account with less than 200 followers - 129 to be exact. China didn't hear the post. Not even Canada did. Hell, not even the town next to mine heard a whisper. The only people who saw this were all of the empty accounts harassing us and Lin, as well as whatever friends I had sent this to asking for advice.

4. I was co-owner/helper of the OC Comp, and Ell's round had already ended by the point they were removed. Both the owner and I were not comfortable with neutrals, so I informed them. I'm not going around to random servers, telling the owners that Ell is a proship neutral and that they need to ban them. It was only one server, that they weren't active in, and in a place that did not support neutrals. However, if there are other neutrals there, please inform me so I can pass the message to the owner. We can't read minds - I only knew about Ell and one other person I will not name, who was also kicked.

5. I can assure you that this anon you talk about wasn't us. It's a bit uncomfortable knowing that I'm immediately being blamed for this despite me having said this entire time "don't harass Ell or their friends", but I can kind of understand your point of view. If any of you guys are being harassed, I will most likely delete the callouts then because I don't want anyone in any distress.

6. "People I have hurt" - geminiforest draws nsfw of the future turtles, who were on screen for 5 minutes, defended someone who did the same, and they refereed to me, an asexual, as "kinkshaming at best and purity culture at worst". I was uncomfortable with them so I blocked them, which is something they encouraged me to do. I found out that Star had interacted with Ell's original post, and after being encouraged by one of my partners to respectfully inform them that it was a post in defense of proshipping (I had assumed that they just hadn't seen the tags), they snapped at me and I believe we blocked each other. Both cases were me doing what you're criticizing me of - cutting people off and blocking them when they make me uncomfortable. You still somehow think I'm harassing Ell, which, if I was, why would I have my DNI being against myself? I already explained why I added the 2al AU tags, and it was to hope that someone would see it, because again, I am a small blog with little to no interactions, though the intention was not to get enough views on it to harass Ell or any of you. And, once again, you and the rest of Ell's friends were harassing us for several days until I called you out on your hypocrisy and you all stopped. I still think it's heavily strange that, as a group, you all came in with mostly or completely empty accounts, mostly because you didn't want to damage your reputation/wanted to remain semi anonymous because I don't have anon asks on.

7. There's not really any kind of response I can make to this other than a few months ago a Rise artist literally got harassed by people because of false allegations of drawing nsfw of the turtles so. your "cancel culture-free" tumblr doesn't exist.

Again, I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING to Ell or their friends. Please don't accuse me of that when this entire time I've been worried about them getting harassed over this post. I don't care about your disappointment. I've stated this entire time that I didn't want any of you hurt by the post. I quite literally stated in the tags that it was more of a rant than a callout, due to the fact I was ranting over how alright everyone was with defending proshipping. But if any of you are being harassed, just let me know. Send me an ask with a screenshot if you want, I don't care. I'd prefer this to be confirmed if possible but I am stating again that I don't endorse anyone harassing you guys by any means, and if I find out who they are, I will block them.

But, Lin also wanted to make his own response for me to attach here, so here it is;

leo-kinnie response: Imma be real and say I don’t like it that you congratulated/thanked me for being vague. I’m 100% honest when I say that the reason I was vague was because, had I said anything specific on my account, YOU ALL would be in the situation Woomy was in — extreme + useless dogpiling. I chose not to do that bc of morals and I knew for a fact Woomy would not appreciate me doing that on their behalf — because Woomy doesn’t support harassment, even from well-meaning friends.

How you and the others acted was appalling. Genuinely shameful for you to say “This is tumblr. We block here, and don’t do anything else after that.” after a handful of individuals jumped down an account’s throat for posting something you disagreed with/felt was unnecessary to begin with. It was holier than thou without the holier 😭

I know Woomy can speak for themselves, I’m very proud of Woomy for handling this as best as they could given the amount of backtracking / hypocrisy they’ve had to deal with from the other people involved, but I just find it absurd for you all to assume that Woomy was behind anonymous messages without proof and take that as the go-ahead to harass them. I mean seriously what the fuck. 

Your whole ask was just another attempt to over-dramatize a situation that’s NOT as wounding to Ell’s reputation as you keep insisting it is. 

Ell is openly neutral 

Nobody interacted with Woomy’s og post except when you guys decided to bombard them.

The post Still has MINIMAL interaction. It is Literally just you guys, woomy reblogging it to add clarification, my 1 reply, 1 hidden like, and 1 public like (which wasn’t there before i replied to you).

Honestly what seems more harassing: A big accounts friend group blowing up a (129 follower) account’s asks and replies or a post that was gaining zero traction, zero interest, and— from your words— seemed like a “vent post”?

IMO it’s the first one. 

I dont know Ell, I dont know any of yall, but I have such a poor opinion of your friend group from witnessing this go down. I have an even poorer opinion now after your ask. Like what do you gain from this? You can clearly see that Woomy is abandoning the account, its in big ol letters on their blogs title. You guys will not see them anymore. Congrats. U did it. 

Now you can block and move on. It’s tumblr, right? Thats what we do here.

[someone-called-efg]

everything i know so far regarding religion and my experiences (big post with a lot of words and some pictures too. i tried doing the image id thing so hopefully i explained it all alright) skip at your own discretion

so, for everything ive made either a comic or drawing, then i'll explain what happened a little more underneath.

~~~

first and foremost before i start, so were on the same page, visits to heaven can occur during the time someone is asleep. this could even happen to you if you see in your dream a recently passed relative (or any passed away relative in general but for the most part it happens when the passing is recent and goodbyes didnt happen for one reason or another) and if it hasnt happened to you personally yet, you probably know someone who's experienced a visit.

with that out of the way, lets get started

---

{ image id: an 8 panel comic. 1st panel shows myself with two others sat around a table, as i joke "God, if this is a sin, strike me down". 2nd panel simply says * later that night * . 3rd panel is in 1st person perspective of me in my dream, opening a door. 4th panel shows that behind the door from panel 3 that God is there floating, his hair/beard flowing into the cloud his head is casually floating on in the middle of the room. 5th panel simply shows a lighting bolt. 6th panel shows me falling through the floor. 7th panel shows me waking up in a state of panic. 8th panel simply says: TLDR: If you call upon him, he'll answer. end id }

this is a comic regarding my first visit. at the time irl i was considering becoming an atheist, so this put a solid halt in that. the reason both people with my in the 1st panel dont really have any defining features is because i was at a psych ward at the time for wanting to unalive, and they make you sign nda's there soo, thats the best i got. in the dream/visit itself i was at home, opening the door from the living room to the porch. and God wasnt just there waiting, they kinda came through the ceiling without breaking it. dont ask me how cuz even i dont know.

---

{ image id: another 8 panel comic so here goes more typing yippee! 1st panel shows God from the side, simply saying "So". 2nd comic shows God turning forward, asking "Are you alright?", as though finishing what they were saying in the 1st panel. 3rd panel shows God an i sat on a couch, and while God looks normal sized, i look tiny by comparison, showing basically the setting. 4th panel is a zoom in on me as i rub the back of my neck, saying "i mean ...". 5th panel simply tldr's what happens as i * proceeds to vent ... a lot * . 6th panel shows God saying nothing, but, they * listens to every word * . 7th panel shows me, clearly upset from venting so much, but also now parched, as i tell God "I'm sorry, I've been talking so much, my throat got dry. Do you have anything I could drink?". 8th panel shows God from the side, for the first time smiling as they say "Of course" and a fridge magically appears at opposite from where i am in comparison to them. end id }

so, not even i really knew what all happened until years lated when i asked God if that visit was a therapy session because all i remembered upon waking up after is the last two panels and afterwards, when my mom and step dad came and told me that the year for earth was 2077 and that the north pole was a desert, then we went and had a mini feast with relatives (and maybe ancestors? idk, there was a fair lot of people and i didnt recognize a lot of them so maybe?) , then i woke up. and if youre going to ask why gods eyes arent visible in this comic when they were visible in that last one, at the time of drawing this comic in particular i didnt feel deserving of him looking at me and smiling, cuz lets face it, were all a bunch of sinners here all trying to do good at least. but at the time if i remember right i had a caffeine addiction to the point i needed 8 coffee/monster energy to get me through the day (4 in the morning + 4 in the afternoon), i since went cold turkey against both.

---

{image id : a 4 panel comic because i finally learned my lesson so i dont have to type as much pog! 1st pannel shows myself and my brother (ftm) stood in Gods temple, and i casually ask "Hey, so, can I reincarnate?". 2nd panel shows god towering over both of us easily, their response is a smile with a "Yeah, sure" as they hold something glowing in their hand that i look into. 3rd panel is glitchy, as it shows a child 1st person perspective, the child is looking down, admittedly a bit overwhelmed while saying "mom, i memember my last life". 4th panel is glitchy as well, this time showing the vague image of a woman reaching out her hand presumably to the child, asking "what do you remember?". end id }

so, for a bit of context, the dream/visit didnt start out like that. it actually started at my great aunts house (who at the time was still alive but died very soon after) it wasnt her house when she was alive, but rather, her house in heaven. my godmother was also there, and i was helping her to remember how to fly because she had forgotten the lesson. so, in total there were 4 people there (my great aunt, my godmother, my brother, and myself) and mid way through me teaching how to fly, another of my brothers teleported into the room and just casually took a seat. after the lesson we went outside and walked around my great aunts heaven house, and when we walked a little ways away there was some kinda conflict, and i simply prayed and the conflict was over within under 10 secs. then as the group of my relatives and i went walking back to my great aunts house, i mentioned to my brother my thoughts of asking to reincarnate soon, and he says to me "why not go right now" and i agree, so we teleported to Gods temple and thats where the comic picks up at. what this told me is that being lgbtqia+ isnt a deadly sin, so any member of the rainbow community isnt going to hell for simply being lgbtqia+, which i see as an absolute win.

~~~

thats the most i got for when it comes to visits, which occur when someone's asleep. but, now, its time to go over a couple visions ive had (and no im not gonna talk about when i died cuz that would be 3 posts in a row, so if you wanna see any of that just check it in your own time) because its just visions, i didnt make comics, but just drawings, which, comics are drawings sure, but not all drawings are comics. and, so i stop rambling, lets get started.

---

{ image id : the great flood. as a man drowns under the fermanent from the quickly rising water level, his soul is outside the fermanent, walking up alongside his dying body, unable to help and can only comfort his souless body by watching it slowly unalive. end id }

when i saw this, i honestly saw at least a dozen others doing this too, i also watched who i could only assume was some past incarnation of myself succumb to the same fate. and for those wondering how a soul can be out when the body is clearly still alive, well, 24 hours before someone dies, their soul's already passed on to the afterlife. where the saying 'dead man walking' comes from, because for those 24 hours, the person's already dead, the rest of the world just doesn't know yet.

---

{ image id : the battle at the end of the world. vegetation is barren from the hills as a giant serpent with black scales and glowing yellow eyes makes its way through the landscape. two angels stand in the foreground, aiming their swords to the heavens, causing a pillar of light thats base covers the two. in the distance, the sky is crimson and the clouds are dark grey almost black. end id }

so. also worth mentioning that when i looked to either side of me, there were armies of God all ready for the greatest battle and ready to take part. needless to say it was overwhelming for a lot of reasons.

~~~

so, thats all really. i could get into the couple times i saw the son of God in visits, but the first time was me in a back room with boxes and he was running by and seemed to be busy and i didnt wanna bother him because of that so i didnt say anything, and the second time we were at this park near my childhood home and i asked him if him and adam are technically in a way brothers and we both ended up laughing causing me to wake up.

~~~

from all this i understand that theres stuff im not allowed to know of my visits for one reason or another, and i kinda figure its so i dont cheat at life. because if i had all the answers, than how else is life supposed to test me.

earth is a school after all, and i at least want my place earned on Gods fridge with a magnet hopefully 🤞

[hoodienanami]

Thanks again I really appreciate the kind words. I hope next year is a great year for you too! And yes Twitter was an awful place to go on after Elvis came out. There are some Elvis fans on there, but the haters outrank them. There’s so much hate and false information on there in regards to Elvis. And hypocrisy. Many people on there have no qualms being fans of other artists who had problematic personal lives, but they love finger pointing about Elvis in particular. And like you said they can’t even get basic information right. Elvis didn’t marry Priscilla when she was underage. He also never claimed to invent rock n’ roll, rejected the king title, and credited the black artists who influenced his sound. And contrary to popular belief, many black artists were fond of him and he had black fans in real time before the racism allegations ruined his reputation. But if you try to point any of this stuff out, no one wants to hear it! It’s sad but I won’t bother anymore. It’s the same thing with TikTok, although I’ve come across Elvis fans on there too. Thankfully Tumblr is one of the few chill places to be an Elvis fan. Sorry for messaging you so much but this is something that’s been bugging me for awhile and I appreciate your Elvis postings and needed to vent to someone who may understand where I’m coming from. I’m glad that you did understand and I will try my best to take your advice! Take care :)

do you want to know the real reason these ppl are so aggressive about their elvis hatred despite having favs who have done nasty things and despite there being many currently living musicians who are out there right now doing nasty things?

its bc hes popular

hes popular and they dont like him and that makes them upset

this is legit the only real reason why theyre so aggressive and spend so much of their time hating on a dead man when there are currently living musicians who belong in prison for horrible crimes. its very obviously not about social justice or anything like that bc if it were they would be focusing their energy on ppl like iggy pop or steven tyler or kanye west

elvis is popular and beloved by the world and hes gaining even more fans now that baz's movie about him is out. and when you dislike smth or someone it sucks seeing them become even more popular and talked about

there isnt any rational reason for their dislike which is why trying to explain the facts to them is pointless. thats why its best to ignore them! take comfort in the fact that at least youre not a hypocrite like they are and dont try to tear things down just bc youre upset at their popularity

anyway im glad i could help you out!! my ask box is always open if you'd like to chat with me more! take care anon <3

[nonesensegibberish]

Nine months

I guess my last post was nine months ago, or thereabouts. To make it easier for future-me: 9/21/24 is the current date. Do you remember? The 21st night of September? Im still alive. I wanted to say 'despite my best efforts', but that wouldn't be true. I've managed to keep from having any new attempts. Not even any cutting. Its good. I should be happy about that. I dunno. I feel like I should be happier. Thats what I was coming here to mumble and whine about. I'm better than I once was, truely. I'm doing more and more often... Maybe not in comparison to january. Maybe I was better in january... But I think I'm better than I was january of LAST year, at the very least. I have more friends than I once did, and closer ones at that. Ones that I dont feel like a burden around. I have FANS. Can you believe that? Honest-to-god *fans*. It feels like I should be closer to what I've always dreamed- than I ever have been before. So why do I still feel empty? I'm running out of HRT. My insurance is gone. I'm having to use crypto to buy DIY estrogen over a shady website. But some people, kind as can be, have chipped in to help me pay for it. God- the entire MONTH of august- I was given so much by people who are so kind. I gave incentive, sure. I made it feel like a transaction for my own sanity. But still. People liked me THAT much. So why do I feel unloved and useless? I'm 'working'. I'm doing decent things. I'm helping where I can. So why am I still a failure? I dont know. It feels like I'll never be meaningfully happy. It feels like nothing will ever truely go alright, or if it does I wont ever be able to appreciate it. It hasn't been all roses. This entire year has felt like non-stop strain and suffering. My dog is dead. My grandpa is dead. We have a new dog who I cant find it in me to love. My family is falling apart. I continue to be a drain, who cant work to save her life. I don't know. It feels like the slightest things set me off, now. A slamming door, a raised voice. I nearly exploded and broke down just from dropping some food. I'm getting constant headaches and tiredness. I don't know. I just want it to stop. I want things to go alright for a little while. I'll live. I will. I just hate myself sometimes, and this life I live. I want everything to be better. The happy days feel so temporary and slight. It is what it is. I dont know what I even am saying anymore. I dont know what the point of all this was- if it had one. I just want to scream into the void, but I don't want to bother anyone. Having a fanbase is kind of hard. I want to say things. I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to be allowed to be vulerable and drop my guard. I want to be able to vent my frustrations publicly. Thats why this is here, I guess. I don't know why you're reading this. In all likelyhood- no one else ever will. But YOU still are, me. You'll read this later down the line- some other day. Why. What do you get out of it? Will you be looking on with pity? Will you be a better person than I am right now? Will you be sad for the life you used to live? Or will you be looking with anger and frustration? Annoyed as I suck on my silver spoon, and cry at the taste of it? Is it worse? Are you worse off? Is life even harder? I hope it isn't. Im so sorry if it is. You deserve love. We both do. I hope Lexi is still tolerating us. I hope mom is always going to be healthy. I hope dad is better. I hope our friends still are our friends. I hope that you aren't the me that looks on with envy at who I am right now. I'm sorry that I'm not better. I'm sorry. I want to be, but I'm weak. Too weak. I want to be appreciative of what I have, but its never enough.

Do you still like Porter Robinson and tabletop games? Do you still have Jack, and Liz, and Sarah, and all the others? Do you love yourself? I hope you do. I hope you are everything I wish to be. ... If you're reading this, and you aren't me...? Well... Then I'm sorry. That must have been meaningless to you. But it cant be any less meaningful than any of the rest of this, can it...? I don't know. Maybe you get something out of it. Maybe it somehow helps. I hope it does. I hope you're doing okay, whoever you are. I hope the world is kind to you. I hope the world is kind to all of us.

Goodbye for now. Maybe I'll see you in 9 to 10 more months.

-A thing which is... 20% or 50% dying.

[euphoricdr3ams]

as trash as it is. its something very releasing to vent to the internet about my problems than to just write in journal where i basically just feels like I'm talking to myself...

I've been talking to myself so much in my head that i want basically need to share with the outside people. But thats a double edge sword because people are tired and exhausted and have their own shit going on. And if they do have the emotional capacity to deal with me. Its a slippery slope. Like how real can i really be with you. if i say this one thing will i make you upset about something you repressed too.

But I also can't be on a constant zoom call with my therapist either soooooo to the internet I come with all of my problems. :)

I think what im gonna do right now while under the influence is unpack at least one statement via written format that my friends have been screaming at me for months. that if it could just instantly process in my mind what would it be.

She said "I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think. You are worthy. And i wish you appreciate yourself as much as i appreciate you"

I may have messed up that up but that was the gist of it. Sooooo that was really sweet and honestly lets just start here and maybe we'll come to a realization by the end of this post.

Its kinda telling my first reaction was how i feel like ive been slacking in the friend department and how i wanna just rush and be done with all of this so i can be the bright and bubbly person i knew myself to be.

"I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think."

I kinda just at here and stared at this statement for about 3 mins. Well on first notice. When i try to repeat that to myself it sounds like nice and definitely some stuff i said to hundreds of people in my life. Permeant and passing guest in this story. But repeating that phrase back to myself just sounds phony.

Like what is so interesting about me that assumes i deserve better. Like at the end of the day, we're all humans so why should i live with this air of what i assume is arrogance that I am immune to the trails of this life and that I who has had such a leg up in this world. Deserve more than someone else who there's no competition has had it way worse. So to everyone else yes to me no. Honestly thats BS. I should give myself the same grace and space as i do everyone else but its like when i try to reach for the empathy string for myself its as if we've run out of thread.

Like if life was a game. Which it is. Then, how can someone who came in with at least plus 2 fuck up so bad. Like at this point. I would just be somewhat happy to finish. Cuz trying to make some sort of rebound or comeback from that sounds impossible so why even try to let that idea sink in your head. So at this point. Just finishing is a leg up. Cuz even that is alot. And its kinda like how dare you like waste the efforts of the people who helped you get to this point. Like its a long history. Your ancestors and the people in your life right now so how could you fuck up. Like you should have been really paying attention when people are sharing their stories. You would have saved yourself so much headache. soooooooooo why should i dream about better. I know im stuck in a toxic thinking trap with that last blurb but like this isn't no healed chronicles. We're basically starting from the beginning and maybe we'll reach some healed state by the end.

I guess since my thoughts are basically below the earth crust. It's hard to imagine better than where i'm at right now. I paused tbh. I let the same song loop twice before really type again. I think theres something below the earth crust and thats about how dark my thoughts are. XD

its not funny. but its also hilarious at the same time. Yea my perception of myself so down. I felt the most full as a person and as a human being when i had my ex. Like i felt like i was better and i could do better and that i was worthy. And its not like he was really all that. Honestly he was a piece of shit. If the two people i have on here actually made it down this far. They could write a 100 page paper on how trash he was and how he doesn't deserve anything good ever again. But that level of anger i cant find it there for him fullly. Most of that resent is back at me for not smacking the dog shit out of him and leaving. He even suggested i do it. and i couldn't. I really loved that man and the thought of doing that even after all that is so bad. I wouldn't forgive myself. I wanna be able to do that but its not there cuz i dont deserve it. ughhh. Like all i can really feel is sorrow that i couldn't be all that he needed and thinking i failed him.

Im really pathetic.

I'm kinda really happy that i'm so lit right now cuz i would be having a whole meltdown.

Like the thought is that, at least he wanted to stay for a while. Most ppl just take an immediately leave. They dont even ask so i should be grateful.

Honestly I think thats part of the reason Why i was so happy regardless of the situation. Also doesn't help I have this song on loop. It about the listener be happy to die right now because they already found their person so they've already peaked. Its like a love song out of desperation instead of confirmation that the other person feels the same.

if i would have died during that relationship i would have said i went out happy. This was how i felt before all the fuckery started. I was so happy with my love and just him that i could have been just happy. He never was. He wanted more as he sucked all of that in the moment happiness i had and turned it into just a depressing mess. Turned it into someone who has so much anxious energy its ridiculous.

Out of the 2323232323233232323232232323232 *many* people i have had sex with at least he wanted to be here :) for a bit until he basically just lied about everything and took off his facade. Then i was tossed out like the trash. its coool i find a way to recover. Even if i have to just :). My way out of this. It's worked a bit up to this point. Why would it not work now...... right? I'm fine. I have no choice but to be.

I was gonna finish this but I'mma need a minute. Maybe that was ambitious of me. I feel a bit panic-y and dizzy so imma just chill for now. Till next time i guess

[foxoftheninetails]

Okay.

I dont really want to post depressing shit anymore. Every interaction from it feels forced, and its just a strain for me.

But I need to vent. I need to pretend that people read the words and care. I need to pretend that this is a safe place to word vomit without judgement. If I dont, I'm going to have to make an anonymous alt.

So if thats not your thing, just go. I'm not saying it to be hurtful, I'm saying it to spare you the frustration. I'm hard for me to deal with, frankly I dont understand why anyone who has a choice chooses to deal with me.

Kenna calls it white knight syndrome. Sometimes it feels like I'm playing the martyr. I want to help people, I want them to be happy. Even at my own expense. Maybe if I make enough people happy, I can be happy. I will give my everything to my friends, and I will do it happily. And I will never take from you. Be it your time or your care. Because I am fragile. And I have been rejected too many times.

I have had people tell me I am too whiney, too needy, too much. People I had considered a friend for years. I have had people invite me along to events, again thinking they were my friend, only to doscover after the fact that I was invited because they felt obligated.

I was the kid no one wanted at their birthday party. I was the teenager surrounded by people at school, but my entire personality was surface and I would go home and be alone for hours and days. I was the young adult who never develops friendships because I had been so cold for so long, it was easier for me to pretend I didnt care about other peoples lives. I am the mid 30s stunted adult who is so desperate for friendship, companionship, an actual best friend who will come to me and I can go to them, that I overcompensate and put more stock into friendships than I should.

I have this. To a degree. Its hard at this stage of our lives, given we have significant others, to rely on someone who isnt your partner. It doesnt help that I spent so many years hungry for friendship outside of romance (pretty sure I'm at least a little aro) that I'm trying to speed run it. I know these things take time.

This is my rant, deal with the inconsistencies.

I didnt have a final summary point. I didnt have a plan for where this is going. I am simply writing what my heart says.

I love my friends, they mean more to me than anything. I would do anything for them, and I dont think they believe me. Fuck around and find out. I will continue to sacrifice everything about myself to support you, to boost you, to make your life better. But once in a while, push a little harder to remind me you care about me. Because lately, I feel like I'm losing everyone who is most important to me. I dont think I can handle that again.

[lolatalks1]

wed, dec 6 2023

this is my first real journal entry, and i dont think dear diary is fitting to start this. i mean its just tumblr. i started this little blog because i need somewhere to vent, and so here i am. that sounds like my pinned post but its whatever. im not sure why im typing like im talking to someone, so i think i should stop explaining myself.

ive heard its good to write out how you feel, so i think im going to do just that. (im explaining myself again)- today was at first a good day, i woke up relatively early and was able to get ready for school quicker than i do normally- which is a win in my book. i was able to lay in my bed- which i need to wash the sheets of. my dog keeps laying where i sleep, which flares up my bad acne. i cant blame him though, i practically leave my side of the bed in a perfect napping position for him. anyways- i was able to lay down and read a little of this cute story about a single mother and a man in the military being her neighbor! very cute, very cute. then my dad took me and derek around eight o' five, then we got to school, and it was super cold outside. having to stand and wait for the doors to open is not enjoyable- at least i had derek -my cousin- with me. recently ive been a little harsher with him, but i thinks its because ive been a bit on edge with everything as of late. i dont mean to ignore- i think i should start working on that. he already has a lot going on.

continuing, i went to class. first period was tame, i mean nothing too much happened. really essentially a free day. aryeana ? im not sure how to spell her name now that i realize it- but she was there talking with jacob about whatever. sometimes i feel a little outcasted when with them- but i guess thats because im not that much of a conversational person when i cant think of a topic that will be enjoyable for all of us. i mean, i like anime and overwatch- and some more things. all those things they either dont like or make fun of- so theres no middle ground for us to converse on. i mean, only thing i can talk about is boys with ary. but its more so talking about aryeana's endless snaps with multiple guys and shes boasting about it- as well as boasting about her not being able to talk to guys. she is really contradictory. i dont hate or get mad at her though, shes nice to me. and cate is there- she kinda helps me relax. shes just a very nice person and since ive known her for so long i dont feel like i have to be super fake with them.

i think- well i know- my day went downhill when my mom finally replied to my messages. i had texted her about going to cam's surprise birthday dinner on sunday night- and she said yes! but then i asked her about saturday, if i can go shopping with her. i needed to go to barnes and noble to get multiple books that several people wanted for christmas, and maybe the mall to get some other things like candles from bath and body works. but anyways- she then revealed shes not going to be here this saturday- more so this entire weekend.... fun.

i just dont understand how she can just go i mean- i know where shes going- hell the whole family does. its nothing new, but the fact its such a repetitive thing and she always did it around familial times (thanksgiving and now christmas). i really dont get, seriously. and ive come to learn that she goes to some town with a new guy each time. what happened to her being with ron? her last boyfriend- i knew of at least. my nana mentioned she didnt like him because how he treated my mom, so im guessing he was abusive or really shitty. i dont care, and i guess thats a bad thing. i see it as karma now. i use to feel bad, want to console her. but ive lost it. lost that empathy.

anyways, she just makes me so- angry. to the point i can't focus on happier aspects of things because shes simply just so intoxicating with her narcissistic behavior. shes so aware that what she does angers and breaks the family, but she cant find it in herself to realize that its bad. how? im not sure. she didnt have a horrible upbringing nor a traumatic event with my dad. so i cant find a genuine reason behind what she does. its whatever, i keep trying to myself i shouldnt care so much. but i cant help it. it affects my home life, makes me i guess more so depressed? i dont want to self diagnose though. but shes the reason behind my upset outlook for today. hell even started playing class of 2013 by mitski- the lyrics hitting a bit too close to home. so yeah. thats all for now i guess, im not sure how journalling works. i guess ill start learning.

[mentallyilltiredgirl]

vent: im greiving & i thought that my friends would be there for me to comfort me through this because this is very hard for me. 1 out of dozens of my friends asked me if i was okay & let me talk to her about it. no one else said anything to me about it & it hurts because i know they know im hurt & they know that this is affecting me. im struggling and theyre going about their lives. im not even struggling in private. they know. now not only do i have to deal with the hurt from this loss but i also have to deal with the hurt of having no one who truly cares about me. and maybe im being dramatic but it hurts so bad. ive struggled with self harm throughout all of my teenage years and clearly im into it sexually, but i havent hurt myself because i have upset/sad/angry in a really really long time and im on the verge of relapse & i feel so alone. the worst part is i know i have so many friends but at this point its making me want nothing to do with any of them. i want to cut them all off and move forward with my life with the 1 friend who reached out. & im scared to express these feelings to my friends because i dont want them to think im seeking attention. this isnt about lack of attention, its about feeling like they genuinely dont care. i just feel so shitty & im afraid that if i keep these friends i will resent them for the rest of my life and they will never understand. i thought at least half of them would check on me and i thought a quarter of them were my genuine friends. but im not so sure thats the case anymore. ive always felt things so much harder than most people & its a blessing and a curse. i know that if i saw them post that they were going through something sad i would reach out and be there for them. i understand that i cant hold everyone to a certain standard and expect them to act the way that i would. theyre not me. i wish i could have myself as a friend and i guess in a way i do. i do have myself and i always will and i think thats special. i need to be there for myself in the way that no one else will and thats why i wont hurt myself again. i think i might give myself some distance from everyone. & when they get a clue and ask me whats wrong ill tell them. im not sure im ready for their responses and that already should tell me everything i need to know. if they were my real friends i wouldnt worry about communicating my feelings about something that genuinely hurt me. but i am worried. im worried that ill be dismissed. told that its not a big deal. i cant let people do that to me anymore. i cant let people tell me how i should feel because i am feeling these things and those feelings are real. and if they were real they would respect me. i dont feel respected. i feel ignored. theyre going on about their lives and theyre not worried about me, so why should i be worried. am i willing to throw out friendships that ive had since middle school? i might be. ive recently come to the conclusion that in life the only thing i really care about it my mental health. i just want to be happy & i want to surround myself with people who make me feel happy. evidently these people arent making me feel very happy. maybe i had too many friends anyway. i suppose i really could cut my circle down to prioritize myself. i wont be here in this town forever. i wont be surrounded by these people forever anyways. i will be surrounded by myself forever. at the end of the day i need to put myself first before anyone or anything else. im so hurt right now and moving forward i need to remember these feelings and not let anyone dismiss them. right now im making a promise to myself to hold onto these feelings when talking to these people again. i wont forget how they made me feel, and i wont let them make me doubt myself. this sounds dramatic i know, but its really how i feel.

[pyrodigy]

i still care about u lots & i hope you're doing alright!! take as much time as you need / take care of yourself, i love your diluc & all the care you've poured into him is so cool and sometimes i still read ur headcanons but i really just hope that you're okay, even if you can't be around like you want to!! ♥♥♥

hgngnhngn thank you 🥺 it makes me so happy to know you enjoy the work i put into him so much, thank you for taking the time to let me know and check on me !! rest assured i am in fact doing my best rn

[theppandaboyyy]

hi so im having a crisis at the moment and really need advice. this post will be really long (probably) and if you dont want to read it thats fine. i just need a space to vent and maybe get some advice from some people.

so i am 16 years old. ever since i was newly 6 years old, i started watching minecraft youtubers. the first one i ever watched was dantdm. i remember feeling so safe and at home when i watched him as a kid. i used to get bullied really badly in elementary school, so when i had a bad day at school or if i really just had a bad day in general and was overwhelmed, i turned to dan’s content. it gave me a space to feel safe when life got too crazy for me. as i got older, i stuck with dantdm for comfort. i started getting really into minecraft, and finding more content creators who liked the same things i did. i remember watching the first episode of dandtm’s diamond dimensions series, and i realized something. THIS is what i want to be when i grew up. i wanted to make content, i wanted to be able to just mess around on a minecraft server with my friends or by myself and people enjoy it. i wanted to make people smile. i even made some stupid vlogs on youtube, just because it made me happy. i went to school with this aspiration, and it got shot down. people told me that since i was born a female, i would never make it. i would never be what i wanted to be. and my little self couldnt understand that because ldshadowlady made it. laurenzside made it. i just couldn’t understand why people were telling me i would never make it as a little girl when some of the people that inspired me were female. so after that, i kept that to myself and went along with every other little girl my age. “i wanna be a vet!” butthat never felt right to me. now as i got to middle school, i was scared to tell people who i wanted to be. i was in my shell, scared to make people see who i actually was. i found my friends over the years of middle school, and they gave me a little bit of the confidence i needed back then to be who i am today. when covid first happened, i was at a low point in my life. i couldnt see my friends, my cousins, my crush at the time, and it mentally killed me. being on my own with nothing to do all day killed me. but, i found my outlet in playing video games. i would play on my dads old systems in my basement, i would play super mario brothers, this one racing game we had, sonic, all the old stuff. and when i wasnt playing those, i was on my dads pc playing roblox with my friends, playing free games on steam, or the sims. i really found my way of getting out my stresses and just havung fun. now around that time, i discovered the dream smp. which at the time, was a new multiplayer server that a couple streamers were on. i watched technoblade first, but because of him u discovered people like dream, sapnap, tommyinnit and tubbo. now i really looked up to tommy and tubbo, theyre only a two years older than me and theyre doing exactly what ive aspired to do since i was 6 years old. i watched their content, watched what they did. i wanted to be just like them. my yearning to be a streamer only grew as i was watching more and more people who were very close to my age grow and succeed at doing what i want to do. now, i have people in my life who have supported me in becoming a content creator, i have the money to buy a gaming setup. i still really, really want to be a content creator. i want to give people, kids, the same safe space that dantdm gave me. i mean when i was overwhelmed, or scared, or had a bad day, they were what i turned to to make myself happy. now as ive gotten older, ive learned so much about content creating and how it can mess with your head if youre not careful. how it can go wrong and not gain any traction at all. but i really, really want to do this. but at the same time, i have another job aspiration i could do. but i know that id forever regret not at least trying to be a content creator. i guess what im here to ask is, what should i do? should i just take the jump and try streaming ? (if you made it this far ily thank you for reading my little rant <3)