#and thats okay! it just doesnt fit mine much and i wish it was more of an option to play the game from that mindset

[bodymotif]

something i wish they explored more for dao is having to make choices based on practicality over morality, and showing more consequences for this? i feel a lot of big decisions in dao there is an obvious right and wrong choice to make (i.e siding with the elves or the wolves, ur obviously not supposed to condemn the werewolves to torment for something their ancestors did), and a lot of the time the choice is purely morality based, there is little to no practical aspect to which choice you make. i feel like this doesnt fit as well because the grey wardens are notoriously self serving and are trained to do WHATEVER it takes to fight the blight, and neither you or your warden companion usually stick to this ideal, they constantly tell you that the wardens behave this way & portray them that way in dai but you yourself don't stick to this much, and if you do it usually just makes you evil as hell or miss out on every side quest ever

i understand from a gaming perspective it works better for side quests but narratively i have to say it kinda makes no sense to me...

[achilles-the-boy-of-gold]

Okay. Please tell me. Is this too much to send to my friend? I don't know if it's too far or not.

I feel so close to you. Ive never felt this way with anyone else. We're like that trope of "more than friends less than lovers" we're different. We're special. I never believed in soulmates before i met you, but i do now. You're my person. We would find each other in every universe, wether we are friends or lovers or something else. You mean so much to me, and i know i say that a lot, but i still dont say it enough. I live you with all of my heart (and i dont care if you are able to say it back or not) Ive thought for a while that i like you romantically, but honestly im not sure. I just feel a connection with you thats more than most people ever find, and maybe thats what its like to like someone romantically, but also maybe not. Sometimes its hard to tell between different kinds of love. Its scary to be in love with someine for fear of ruining the relationship altogether and losing them. I know we are close, but i still wish we were closer. I miss you whenever we're nit together, and it scares me whener we dont talk much for a few days because i cant let you slip away. I wont. You are my whole world, i hope you know that. I could never lose you, because that would mean losing half my soul. Amd i would die if it meant saving you (and im fucking terrified of death, so youre the only one i would do that for). You are more than i ever coulve hoped to have. I never couldve seen you coming. Wherever fate takes us, (if we end up dating, if we hate each other, if we lose touch) you will still be forever with me. I carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart. Ive heard poets talk about a string of fate, and that has reminded me ever increasingly of our invisible string. You have to admit that we're connected in a way most people arent. Maybe im crazy, but i think you'd have to be insane to not notice this stuff too. Maybe other people feel like this, but i have rarely seen anyone so truly committed to someone ekse as i am to you. The only true example i have seen is from the book the song of achilles. In the book, achilles is stubborn and rude and a terrible person for the last few years if his life. He lets countless people die because of his ego. Patroclus does not agree with any choice he makes, but he never once gets angry at achilles. He stands by him. He stands up for him. He stays with achilles, until he dies trying to fix achilles' mistakes, while still saving achilles from dealing with his own problems. However many mustakes achilles makes patroclus doesnt care, he stands by him forever. He found a boy of gold, and knew he would never let him go. Thats what you do. You find someone so important to you, and you vow that however much they screw up, you wont be angry, youll still love them the same. They are still yours. And, though achilles does most things for himself, esspecially towards the end of the war, he still dies getting revenge for patroclus' death. Those two are the textbook example of soulmates. They always find their way back to each other when they get seperated. They are loyal to each other to a fault. Their only moral compass(at least for patroclus) is to always follow the other, and fight for them. I see us in their story. Our places switch between the characters, but every set of soulmates that has ever existed has been fit in that cutout. We fit there alongside so many people. If there is only one set of soulmates per lifetine, then we are those two. We are less fragile that a set of ordinary friends, and we are less held back by the rules of lovers. We've got our own thing. You are mine, and i am yours. Ive never felt this way with anyone, and doubt i ever will with anyone else. I hope with ever fiber of my being you feel the same, but if you dont, i hope that you will trust me enough to tell me. There is so much more i could add to this, but hopfully i have a whole lifetime to do so.

[actualbird]

Regarding 7-2 and Irene, I actually went to talk with a relative of mine that knows law just to see if her sentence could be mitigated based on Singapore law. I want to just say this is my interpretation of what was told to me, I could be wrong and also this isn't my own view I think Irene was completely justified.

So from what I was told there is a chance but a lot of her chances that would really help reduce her sentence have already been made impossible by her actions. Remorse is a big factor in mitigation but considering she didn't come clean until mc basically forced it out of her and she was denying having committed the murder up until then, any chance for remorse is basically gone even if she pled guilty in her own trial because in that case she's not showing remorse, she's forced to do it so she can get a lower sentence. Then of course she framed Jun, that's not doing her any favours.

What she can go for and what a good attorney would use is that she was under prolonged abuse from Edwin Burke that caused her to fear for her safety which led to her planning this whole thing out. It wouldn't excuse her framing Jun, but it'd provide an understandable reason for her actions which could get her a reduced sentence.

I get what you mean about this case not feeling fair, accusing Irene sucked a lot and I wish we could have let her go free. I like to think that mc didn't reveal her plans to defend Jun, but did it for Jade who did seem to care for Irene and didn't deserve to die. No one could tell for certain, but at least from the evidence they had, it seemed like Jade didn't deserve to die like her husband, and for that she did deserve justice. This reminded me of something from the Count of Monte Cristo itself but I'll save my Count of Monte Cristo ramblings for another ask because it'd double the length of this one dyifkh

🌌

reply from @zyphannie :

reply from @ihavenotfallenyet :

// spoilers for main story 7.2, cw abuse, irt this last response

okay im grouping this all together cuz milkyway!anon and zyphannie brought up a really key point in particular that i neglected to mention in my last response (thats what i get for writing responses at 5am, brain still dead ajhvsjfha), namely: jade burke

i agree, jade definitely did not deserve to die. she was a victim too, and im quite sure nobody with a conscience would begrudge her knowing that she was trying to defend irene as much as she could, given the abuse she also sustained.

jade's murder is.....and these are just my own personal feelings as a player and somebody who read the story, it in no way makes the "this isnt fair" feeling any lighter for me. in fact, it makes it heavier. cuz things get more complicated. which, given the story's themes actually, fits in a sense.

ive got this other 7.2 ask in my askbox that im still working on a response for, it's talking about jun's spiel when in the interrogation with him in 7.2, you pick the optional choice to press the button labelled "True Heart". and there he says a lot of stuff but something there that i feel like is among this story's main themes: people who live perpetually backed into a corner and surrounded by enemies lose the privilege of being able to trust

jun was talking about himself there, but i think it applies to irene too (ironic given that he manipulated her as well, but thats a Whole Other thing to talk about). irene spent her entire life mistreated and abused. she could not trust anybody because she was hurt so bad for so long. and in that, she didnt see that jade was trying

this is brought up a bit in mc's last convo with her in the trial. and i dont think that this oversight makes irene's actions evil (she Did Not Know and Could Not See) but it adds a layer of nuance and loops into that main theme.

it's not fair. and the judgement that got passed and that we see in the game thus far doesnt feel fair, because people were wronged in so many ways.

that being said, milkyway's addition about the legal stuffs i think can somehow answer ihavenotfallenyet's replies. i do not know Anything about law, so idk if i can add anything there, but at least there are certain legal systems that can indeed help irene out, if even just a bit.

looping back to the "it's not fair" thing, but i just remembered one thing in main story 7.2's case that did bring satisfaction: edwin's widescale abuse being brought as a transnational case for investigation. i like that they added that. the implications are fucking horrifying (based on how i read it, it implied that edwin was participating in child trafficking, jesus), but it's satisfying to know that this case doesnt end at this trial, if that makes sense? like, edwin is dead (deserved) and his abuse has seen the light of day. the other victims can get their justice too in whatever way is possible

conclusion: this case is a Lot. and honestly, thats all i feel qualified to say at the moment hakfjhsfa

[arthurflecksgirl]

Arthur answering the door/ His POV

My version of the scene when Sophie rings Arthurs doorbell. His point of view.

I lie on the couch, freezing. We dont have enough money to turn the radiator on every day and the only blankets I`ve got are two very thin ones which dont spent very much comfort at night. So yeah, some nights are awefully cold in here and I wish there was someone under the blankets with me, sharing the warmth of our bodies It wouldnt get so cold with someone in my arms. Especially at heart.

I touch the silky fabric of the pajama pants I`m wearing. My left hand is stroking up and down my thigh. Actually its my mothers pants but she doesnt wear them anymore and they`re comfortable. And they fit perfectly since I lost even more weight the past year. I try to forget about that its my own hand on my thighs.I imagin it to be Sophies, wishing she would be here right now. She could take the loneliness away and tell me something nice. Maybe something about my jokes or how good it is to see me. Every nice word would warm up my heart, really. Anything to show me that she wants to get to know me better. Or even find me attractive.

I tried to flirt with her before and I think he got it. Her gestrure in the elevator? I mean its very subtile but thats the mysterie f it all, right? It  was her way to tell me that she likes my kind of humor. So I may stand a chance with her after all. Humor is important. If you dont get someones humor, you can hardly be in a relationship with that person. Imagin you`re telling a joke and your girlfriend  just looks at you with this face expression that makes it clear that even after the second time she wouldnt get it. .That would be a huge turn off for me. I need my girlfriend to think I`m funny because I want to make her happy with my jokes and I want to be the reason she smiles in the morning. So after a long, sleepless night of working on  jokes I would wake her with a soft kiss upon the forehead, asking her to listen to my latest ones and she would laugh until her belly aches and kiss me on the lips, telling me how funny I am.

The doorbell rings.

In the middle of the night.

Who would ring my doorbell in the middle of the night? No one even rings it at daytime. I get up from the couch and walk to the door. Mum is still asleep so I guess she havent heard it. Which is weird, she has a light sleep and she usually wakes up from the slightest noise I`m making. Did I put some sleeping pills in her food? I dont remember.

I wonder who it could be. I didnt had one of my laughing fits or anything like that so it cant be a neighbor complaining about it. Or did I had one and I don`t remember it? Why does my mind feel so blurry out of the sudden? Like I`m not certain of anything.

Another thought comes to my mind...what if its....

I open the door.

Sophie! It really is her!

I can`t deny I`m still kinda confused about this. I hope I didnt disturb her in any way. I hope she wil not complain about how I followed her today. Did she notice? I thought I was good at hiding. Maybe not good enough.

"Oh...! Hey...." I say and my voice doesnt sound like I hope it would at all. You can hear my confusion and god, I hope it doesnt show in my face,too.

She looks beautiful as usual, dressed so nicely with her hair done and jewelry around her neck. She must have been out tonight. I wonder where she was. I totally forget that I just opened the door with my mothers pajama pants on and my greasy hair.

"Hey!" she says "Were you following me today?"  So straight forward, Sophie. I like that. But I gotta admit you`re making me a bit insecure about how to react here.

"Yeah?" I reply. Not sure what she would say next. I hope I didnt leave the wrong impression.

"I thought that was you." 

Okay, okay. So she wasnt sure . She didnt saw me but she felt me. Thats interesting. Maybe she wished it was me when she felt like someone followed her. Like "I feel someones eyes on me. I wish it was that cute neighbor that lives down the hall." Something like that. I see I might really have a chance with her. Maybe I should ask her out on a date.

"I was hoping you`d come in and rob the place" she adds.

I feel myself smiling. The way I often try to but it seldom works.  She really said that, didnt she? Sophie is even more adorable that I thought she was. If thats her kind of humor we will match perfectly. I mean, come on this joke could have been one of mine!

Its almost like I just played this conversation out in my head. Its too perfect to be true. But hey, even I have to get lucky sometimes. i hope I`m not wrong here.

Better say something smart now.

"I have a gun" I`m pointing over my shoulder. Its there somewhere on my table. "...I could come by tomorror".

That was a good one. I`m proud of myself. Waiting for her reaction.

Sophie chuckles. her eyes are lightening up in the prettiest way. I`m so in love with her. She looks at me like no one else ever did before. Maybe she is the one who understands me. Sharing the same humor is a great start.

"You`re so funny, Arthur!" she smiles.

There, she said it.

She thinks I`m funny. This means so much to me but I try not to let it show. I dont want it to be obvious that I never had a girlfriend before. Not now. I will tell her at a later point. On a date when the moment feels right.

"Yeah..." I breathe, a bit overwhelmed by being so lucky tonight. I look down, feeling like I`m about to blush. Pretty girls make me nervous. C`mon Arthur. Show her that you`re a cool guy. Tell her about your career.

"You know. I do stand up comedy" I look her in the eyes "You should maybe come see a show sometime."

Sophie doesnt even thiink twice "I could do that".

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You let me know when?"

She really wants to see me perform.  For a second there is this doubt in my mind. I tend to dream a lot. Not just dreams but....nevermind. I dont wanna give this a second thought ight now. Sophie was ringing my doorbell in the middle of the night, telling me all these things and thats what counts. I won`t let my mind play tricks on me, trying to convince me this isnt real. My mind played tricks on me before.

"Yeah" I add, feeling confident about the fact that I just asked her out on a date.

Sophie turns around  to get into her apartment. I watch her walking down the hallway. Checking once more on how beautiful she is, before I close my door and walk into the kitchen to make myself a coffee. There won`t be any chance to sleep tonight anyway.

@impulsiveclown @will-you-be-there @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @ajokeformur-ray@damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss  @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl @jaraysha1121

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos @sabrinaeileensnape

[queencryo]

IM WATCHING THE SEASON FNALE OF GREYS ANATOMY SIX

if u want a preview of what watching tv with me is like

THERES NO ATRENDINGS SO CRISTINA IS GONNA DO THE SURGERY OH JEEEEEEZ

THERES AN ACTIVE FUCKING SHOOTER BABY

yes thus reminds me of ss13 im cool as shit

OH MY GID

OH MY GID

DID LEXI DYE HER HAIR BLONDE JUST TO SET UP BALD GUY GOING OH FUCK... IZZIE............. DONT LEAVE ME PLEASE IM SORRY.... AS HES BLEEDING OUT

ALSO MEREDITH AND DEREK'S NEW HOUSE GONNA HAVE A ROOM FOR CRISTINA? THATS SO RUCKING GAY

MEREDITH AND CRISTINA ARE SO GAY

ALSO IM BIG PISSY THEY KILLED OFF REED. SHE WAS THE BEST EVER. MOSTLY I SAY THIS BECAUSE SHE WAS CUTE AND SHE HAD SHORT HAIR. VEFY COOL YOUNG WOMAN. DEAD!

AUGH

OH NO THE BIG DUDE

HES BONED. BAIKEY AND THIS PANICKED PATIENT WITH THIS BIG UDE. NOTHING BUT GAUZE. ANAJANA HES SO FUCKED. bailey stop freaking your shit stop it! its time to be serene... and piwerful...

xr bailey has a really unpleasant habit of cracking under pressure. just. irs constant. beating the fuck out of the greys anatomy writers for making a worf out of dr bailey

oh my godtheyre seriouslu killing off halc of the new residents. and a third is obviouslh going to get fired or something.

this is bullshit. i mean avery is awesome. hes a cool dude and i love love his voice and he was in detroit become human! but big dude is sweet and i like his voice more basically...

hoo boy

OH MY GOD HOW DID THE SHOOTER GET IN THE OR

HOW THE FUCK

DOES THIS BITCH TELEPORT? IS THAY WHAY THIS IS? THESE WHORES

CRISTINA TEARFULLY DOING SURGERY QHILE A GUN IS TO HER HEAD OH MU FUCKING GOD AAAAAAAAA

god i miss watching tv wkth people... aaa i love watching tb with people! i love yelling about shows its sooooo fun....

instead i gotta just dm allll my friends it sucks ::c

OH MY GID KH MY GID COCJIX OOOHHH MY GOD OH MY GID

DR HUNT. WAS LIKE OJ HEY. NAH XRISTINA LOOKS PRETTY GOOD! ILL JUST GO IN AND TAKE A LOOK SEE

HE WAS LOOKING AT MR BITCH POINT A GUN AT CRISTINA AZJJXZJJAJSJXNCIENSNXBCJ

OH WHAT A COOL MOTHERFUCKER I LOVE THAT CHILL UNDER PRESSURE BABE

WOULD SOMEONE BULLRUSH THIS BITCH ALREADY WHAY THE FUCK HES LIKE SEVENT oh cool hunt di oh hes dead okay

OH THE FUCKING FAKEOUT I LOVE JT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE JT I KOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT AVERY YOU FUNNY LITTLE MAN AHAHAJJXIDKAODNCKNFCNXJSJ AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

'IM TRYING TO SABE YOUR GUY NOW PLWASE SAVE MINE' FUCK YEAH CRISTINA UR THE COOLEST I LOVE YOU WISH U WERE ALLOWED TO BE GAY BY THIS SHOW WHICH U SO CLEARLY ARE BUT I DO LOVE YOU

bailey sadly watching percy die, with a patient, oh my god im going tl fucking cry. no bailey ur not a coward literally tell a man with a gun whateber you need to do to make him not sboot you thays man wigh a gun one oh fucking one. oh god charles just tearfully saying he loves a woman he DOESNT EVEN KNOW IS DEAD AAAAA

skvcidjskCJDJSIN IM STILL ON ABERY OH MY GOOOOOOOOD HE FUCKING GOD HE FUCKING UNDID SHEPHERDS HEART MONITOR IM CRYING AND SCREAMING

KXJCJDNWJSNIXJCKSMAKMXNFKEJSNNXJXJXJXJDHSMSHDYZJMDJSJSNDJD GREY CASUALLY STATING SJES HAVING A MISCARRIAGE

Oh greay job dr webber just wander on into the hosptial for no reason

god this gunman is such a stupif whore i haye him. hes such a slut. oh im judt gonna appear outta nowhere fot no reason

'i was only really plannin to shoot three specific people' doesnt work well with 'i stuffed as much ammo into my coay as i could fit' you stupif asshole

stupid prick

¬‘KXM8''66@8@6)%=++5"THATD REALLY THE DILEMNA ISNT IT

WHEN UVE ONLY GOT ONE GIY LEFT TO KILL. AND YOU ALSO WANT TO KILL YORSELF. JUST OME BULLET. GOD AINT THAY JUDT THE WAY....

oh sebber this dude aint gomma see his wife again. this dude is goimg to immensely hell.

kxkdmskdjf RUB this dudes face in it webber fuckimg make him know how awesome your lifes been. GET him!!!!!!! fuck yez!!

1: the dichotomy of 'life in prison or an afterlife with your wife' is flawed because a. this bitch aint goin to heaven or wherever his wife is. also webber is assuming this dude is christian (which. old white man who is emasculafed in rhe fqce of his wifes death and bought a gun and shot a bunch of ppl? okay. thays christian). b. hed die if he went to prison.... plus this djde would probs get death penalty. earlier we saw a dude get capital for killing like seven ppl. no way this dude wouldnt get it.

2. its flaedd bc mr clark could just. slit his wrists. cmon now webber stop being such a stupid slut

AAAAAA OF COURSE SHEPARD DIES IN SURGERY.

oh thank fuk he lesbians ar eback tovether. eben if their conflict was stuoif smf couldve easily been solved by not havig a desperate need for monogamy

oh???? shepherd living moments??? shepherd living moments??

kxckksiskdjccjjsjaijfidns OKAY THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD EPISODE ACTUALLY..................... monologue was stupif but NESIDES THAY

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[fiftyshadesgrl]

He saved me/ part 6

Summary: reader is in a abusive relationship. When things take a turn for the worst she finds help in the winchesters.

Warning: this story will have smut, violence, language, abuse, and torture. If you are triggered by any of this then i suggest you not to read.

I sat down on the bed and sorted through the bags and decided that since it was just a local bar theres no need to dress up to much. For some reason though i felt the urge to look nice, for dean. So i picked out a black strapless shirt, some ripped jean shorts, a red flannel and some sandals. I walked into the bathroom and showered with the new shampoo and body wash i bought. It was called lust, fitting for the occasion. I stepped out and wrapped a towel around my hair and then one around myself.

I stood in front of the mirror and applied some makeup, i went for a smoky eye look and some dark purple lipstick. After i got dressed i towel dried my hair and left it in waves down my back. I started to get nervous hoping dean would think i looked okay. I applied some perfume of the same brand as my body wash and shampoo and put in some small hoop earrings.

A soft knock on my door brought me out of my thoughts. "(Y/N), you ready? Sammys not going so its just us."

Oh great i thought. Now my stomach was really doing flips thinking i was going to be alone with dean tonight. "Yeah, just a few more minutes."

Dean must have walked away because no other sound came from the other side of the door. I looked in the mirror adjusted my shirt, my shorts, fluffed my hair. Obviously i was stalling because of the fear that dean wouldnt like the way i looked.

I took a deep breath and walked to the bedroom door, hand on the door knob my heart was racing. Its now or never. I turned the knob and opened the door, and gasped as deans eyes met mine.

His mouth fell open as he looked me up and down. My eyes fell to the floor as his gaze went from my toes to my head. "Holy shit." Dean whispered.

I closed my eyes waiting for the next words to come out of his mouth. His finger under my chin raised my eyes up to meet his. "Youre so fuckin beautiful."

I blushed and tried to look away but he wouldnt let me. He smiled and ran his fingers over my cheek, he leaned in as if he was going to kiss me then he pulled back. "Lets get going, dont want all the good tables to be gone."

I sighed and nodded, even if dean thought i did look good doesnt mean he wanted me. I walked slowly behind him and waved at sam who was sitting in the library again reading this time. "Dont wait up." Dean said over his shoulder. Sam nodded but i doubt dean saw it and he went back to his reading.

Sitting in the bar was way different than i thought it would be. The air was thick with smoke and the smell of alcohol, there was no bikers sitting at the bar like i had imagined. There was actually just a handful of people here. Dean and i got a booth in the back where it was secluded. I slid in the booth and dean slid in right next to me.

The waitress came over swaying her hips and batting her eyes at dean. He didnt pay much attention to her but it didnt keep her from trying. "Two beers, two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey." Dean said cooly still not paying attention to her.

She placed her hands on the table and leaned in close to dean. Showing her clevage to him, "you sure thats all i can get you?" She said seductively as she glanced over at me.

Dean gave her a quick glance, "yeah, thanks." Then he turned his attention back to me. The waitress huffed and walked back over to the bar. She came back soon after and placed our drinks on the table with more force than she needed to and never said another word.

Shot after shot i began to lose track of time. I began to feel fuzzy and more relaxed as the night went on. Dean and i were laughing and having a great time, every now and then we would share little touches or glances at each other.

"Im really glad you decided to come out with me tonight. You deserved it." Dean said brushing my hair over my ear.

I leaned into his touch and sighed at how it made me tingle all over. "Im glad you asked." Dean smiled as i took another shot. "Ya know, parker never took me out like this. He always kept me under lock and key all the time while he went out and cheated on me and done god knows what."

Dean shook his head and opened his mouth to say something but i cut him off. "But you, not you. I wish i had met you before i did him. I wouldve jumped you the moment i laid eyes on you."

Dean chuckled and took a shot. "Thats the whiskey talking."

I shook my head which made me dizzy. I swayed sideways and fell onto deans chest. He wraped his arm around me, i smiled up at him as he smiled down at me. I licked my lips as my eyes focused on his.

I stretched my neck and kissed him, at first he didnt respond but then his arm tightend around me as he deepend the kiss. Our tongues tangled with one anothers and a small moan escaped my lips. He growled as my hand rested on his thigh and started moving upwards.

He pulled away from the kiss and i could see the lust in his eyes. "Come on, we need to go home." I nodded and smiled knowingly up at him. He just threw some money on the table and guided me out to the impala.

I slid in through the drivers side and sat in the middle. Dean sat next to me his breathing was harder than it was earlier. He sat there with a death grip on the steering wheel. I leaned close to his ear and peppered his neck and jaw with little kisses and i flicked my tongue out to lick in some spots.

"Fuck." Dean cursed under his breath. I ran my hand up his thigh to rest on his belt. I fumbled to get the belt loose but dean stopped me.

"(Y/N), what are you doing" dean asked in a whisper.

"Whatd ya think?" I asked slurring my words together. I unbuttoned my flannel and tossed it in the backseat. I moved down to my shorts and started unbuttoning them when dean placed his hand over mine.

"For fucks sake, stop trying to take your clothes off." He growled as he grabbed my flannel and placed it in my lap.

"You wanna do it?" I smiled at him.

He shook his head as he turned back around in his seat. He started the impala and before he pulled out of the parking lot he said, "no, not here not now."

I huffed and slung my flannel back over my shoulders and tried to cover up as much as possible. This makes the second time hes rejected me. There wont be a third.

I didnt say another word to him until we got to the bunker. "Thanks for tonight dean." It came out in a cold flat voice. I opened my door and stumbled out, dean was there before i knew it. He picked me up and i shoved at his chest.

"Put me down, i can fuggin walk." I slurred and pushed against him again. He just carried me down the stairs and into my room. He placed me on the bed and before i even hit the pillow i was out.

The next morning

My eyes slowly opened and i felt the throb in my temples. I groaned and rubbed my eyes, they felt like they had sand in them. Then it hit me, i felt the bile rise up in my throat. I jumped out of bed quickly and ran to the bathroom and just barely made it to the toilet. Even after i had emptied my entire stomach i dry heaved for several minutes.

I flushed the toilet and walked over to the sink to brush my teeth. After i was done i splashed cold water on my face to try to take away some of this hangover. I slid down to the floor and rested my head back against the counter. I closed my eyes hoping that would help this horrible headache go away.

"I would say good morning but it looks like youre having it rough." I heard deans voice come from the doorway. I cracked my left eye open and seen him standing there with a glass of water and something else in his hand.

He knelt down in front of me and handed me the water. He opened his hand and there was two pills settled on his palm. "Take these asprin, itll help with your headache."

I grabbed them hastily and drank the entire glass of water. I leaned my head back again and whispered a quick thank you. I figured dean would leave but he didnt.

I opened my eyes and looked over at him, "im never drinking like that again." He chuckled and sat down on the floor next to me.

"You just gotta know your limit." He said quietly. I sighed as a comfortable silence filled the room. We sat there for i dont know how long and my head finally started easing off.

"I think im going to take me a shower now since my head has quit spinning." I said raising my head up. I looked down and noticed i was in one of deans shirts and nothing else. He helped me up off the floor but stayed standing in front of me holding my hands.

"Did you undress me last night?" I asked looking him in the eyes.

He nodded, "yeah i figured what you had on would be uncomfortable. I knew you liked my shirts so i gave you mine that i had on." He said smiling. He touched my cheek with his hand and ran his finger across it.

I sighed and leaned into his touch, then the memory of last night came into my mind. I know it was the alcohol that made me do what i did but it doesnt mean that i didnt mean it.

I opened my mouth then closed it again, not knowing what to say. He cleared his throat and took his hand off my cheek. "I guess ill leave you to it." He turned and walked towards the door.

"Dean." I said stopping him from leaving. He turned back towards me, his eyes burning with emotion. His breathing rough and fast. "I remember what happened last night. In the bar and in the car."

He just stood there looking at me, waiting.

"It wasnt just the whiskey." I said quietly. I noticed his fists clenching and his jaw muscle ticked. He closed his eyes and turned and walked out the door. Never saying anything.

I looked in the mirror and my god i was a mess. Yesterdays makeup was strewn down my face my lipstick smeared and my hair. Lord my hair was nothing but a fuzz ball.

I turned the shower on and washed everything from last night away. An hour later when the water had gone cold i stepped out and wrapped a towel around me. I grabbed deans shirt from the floor and brought it to my face and inhaled his amazing scent.

I walked back into my bedroom and grabbed a pair of shorts and i put deans flannel back on. I wanted to keep him close to me for a little while longer.

@an-unhealthy-obsession

[bloody-delicious]

Hey I loved your fic with Buhguul and a stressed reader. Can I please ask for the same but instead it would be with how Patrick Bateman or Harry Warden would care for a reader?

thank you! 💕

(also im sorry these took so long-im afraid their quality doesnt make up for it lol, i hope these are okay)

patrick bateman x stressed s/o

you had been sitting there for what felt like, and, in all probability, most likely was, hours. patrick’s usual spotless living room was now in disarray, folders and papers with scribbled unintelligible shorthand and crude sketches littered everywhere, with you, a picture of haggard exhaustion, eyes drooped with dark circles and painted with red lines that displayed your dilapidated state of being for all to see, positioned in the center of the chaos. body slouched over the heap of work before you, the crinkle of papers was the only sound audible in the empty space, besides that of the gentle hum of the new york city’s night life beginning to emerge from the shadows for a period of lawless play, sin hidden from the eyes of the exposing rays of daylight as the sun dipped below the crimson skyline.

you knew that you would eventually have to surrender to your aching body and clean up the mess you had made, as patrick would be home soon, and you knew that the sight of his apartment in such disorder would not spur a pleasant reaction. not wishing to flirt with such a dangerous notion, you decided that you should return the space to its original immaculate state sooner rather than later. with a heavy sigh, you picked yourself up from the floor, bones cracking and muscles stretching with a stab of pain, resisting the sudden movement. one by one, the work is picked up from the floor with aching hands, stuffed into their according folders, and though the incessant work disappears from sight, it lingers in your head like a throbbing tumor, keeping you from enjoying any moment of real peace. the folders are placed lazily on the coffee table, and you slump to your previous position on the floor, eyes glazed and staring at the now organized stack of unfinished papers.

even when the shuffling outside the door becomes audible and the sound of keys fitting into the lock reaches your ears, the door opening and the sound of tom ford oxford loafers stepping into the apartment pierces your silence, you remain in your trance, all of your senses numbed by your prostrated condition. heels clicked sharply on the floor, patrick walking further into the room, his sense of authority almost materializing as a tangible presence, his cold and almost foreboding demeanor suffocating the air. your partner was a powerful man, and though you were well aware of the threat he posed at all times, you had grown used to his degenerated mien, and became accustomed to his constant attitude of superiority, the perverted manner with which he held himself.

“what are you doing, y/n?”

patricks voice sounded peculiar, more peculiar than his normal tone. the facade of the typical upper class businessman had not yet faded away, his voice still carrying the faux sincerity that every yuppie in the entire state spoke with.

“work,” you mumbled, rubbing your inflamed eyes with weary hands.

“what did you say? i cant hear you when you mumble.”

his voice developed a more sinister undertone, a threatening connotation that you knew was not to be provoked further.

“work,” you repeated, this time fully articulating yourself. you didnt look over at him, head still resting in your palms.

your heard the heels begin to click across the floor again, increasing in sound as the man made his way over to you. you felt him sit on the couch behind you, body stiff, tense, like a predator ready to claim its prey. he was always like this. you had no idea how he maintained such a defensive state around the clock, how his mind could handles such endless rigidity. after a bit of an awkward silence, patricks hand finds its way to your hair, smoothing stray strands and feeling them on his skin. he continues to play with your locks, starting to almost pull on them, though it isnt to the point of pain. you sigh and try to relax your body, leaning back into his strong hands. his begins to pull harder on your hair, occasionally wrapping fistfuls in his palms, and small twinges of pain begin to take root in your scalp.

you say his name in an attempt to signal to him that hes hurting you, but he doesnt seem to hear, or he just doesnt listen. his hand wraps around your soft hair, suddenly gripping it and tugging on it with force. you let out a surprised cry and instinctively jump away, your hand going up to touch your head.

“patrick!” you scold, looking back at him. you can barely muster the energy to reprimand your lover, and youre sure that your words are not very intimidating, with obvious exhaustion laced in your voice and written on your face. patrick sits with his elbows resting on his knees, observing you with no expression. it appears that both of you are lost in your own little worlds.

“that hurt,” you say, hoping to reach him this time. nothing. he watches you still with emotionless eyes. the two of you sit in silence before he suddenly speaks.

“do you want to go out to dinner? wherever you want.”

his lips twist into a smile, but you do not reciprocate it.

“if you want to,” you sigh, knowing that trying to bring up the previous topic is useless. “im feeling really tired today. work is getting to me.”

there is another period of silence, and you see patricks face begin to change. it almost becomes darker, menacing.

“we could…do something else,” patrick suggests, his words practically dripping with a malicious nuance, immediately alerting you as to what he has in mind.

“no, patrick. you might like butchering people, but i dont. thats youre thing, not mine.”

patricks grin only grows wider at your words.

“whats the name of your boss again? i cant seem to remember.”

“no.”

“you said work was stressing you out, didnt you?”

“yes-“

“so let off a little steam, y/n, it’ll be a blast,” he interrupts, a wild look beginning to form in his eyes, excitement growing in his voice.

you let out a groan and turn away from him, putting your aching head back in your hands.

“im gonna call it a night, patrick.”

you gather yourself from the floor and attempt to leave the room, but a wrist grabs your hand with a tight grip, stopping you from going any further. you turn you gaze to patrick, who suddenly stands, bringing himself closer to you, his breath hot on your neck.

“dont you want to let off some steam, y/n?” his smile is wolfish and predatory, eyes locked in on his prey held firmly in his grasp. his free hand grazes the skin of your shoulder, his deviant intentions clear even through something as innocent as a slight touch. “you know i can make you feel better.”

his advances are appealing, but any activity with patrick is rather risky, and youd rather not wake up with the task of covering hickey after countless hickey, wrapping bite after bite, cleaning scratch after scratch. still, he is right in one aspect: you really do need to release some of the tension inside. his smooth, strong hand reaches your throat, gently caressing the skin before abruptly tightening his grasp, essentially choking you. you let out a startled gasp, and patrick only presses a rough kiss to your lips to silence you, teeth biting your lower lip. you begin to melt into his touch, knowing that youll be tired in the morning, knowing that it will be a rough night, knowing that god, you really do need this right now.

——————————

when you woke, it was still dark, your room illuminated only by the glow of the city outside the window. the sheets were tangled around your bare body, and, when you attempted to move, you felt the pangs of pain from the wounds given to you by patrick. eyes still heavy with sleep, you looked to your side to see him, still submerged in the bliss of sleep. when you looked closer, however, you noticed something odd covering his body. upon further inspection, you saw that your lover was painted with splatters of blood. panic rushing through your veins, you were about to wake him when you spotted something in your peripheral vision. laying before your bed was a body, surrounded by a pool of blood. slowly crawling over the bed to get a better view, you realized that the body was that of your boss. stab wounds littered his body, his striped suit tainted with a deep red pigment, eyes closed and blood trickling down his lips, his face pale as the moon in the midnight sky. you looked back to patrick, lying so peacefully in bed, covered in the blood of your (now former) boss. the man you had come to recognize as your partner seemed to have displayed the body before you as a gift, a sign of love, perhaps. his rather gruesome way of showing his devotion. you extended your hand to him, stroking his dark hair. you would deal with the consequences in the morning. the light would make everything clearer.

harry warden x stressed s/o

it was cold in valentine bluffs. winter was beginning to settle into the small town, extending its icy fingers through every corner and into every home. snow had begun to fall and formed a thin sheet over every surface, carrying with it a bitter wind that left most of the people within the town closing their doors and favoring a warm day inside, with heat flooding from their furnaces and hearty food cooking on the stove. you were among those who sheltered themselves from the cold weather, though your home was less comforting as opposed to the latter population. you sat at your desk, filling out paperwork that was meaningless to you, wishing for nothing more than to be done with such a tedious task. while you had accomplished quite a bit, there was still so much more to be done. a stack of papers as thick as a textbook sat adjacent to you, a constant reminder of how you would most likely be seated there for the rest of the day. not to mention the fact that you still had to fix that creaky hinge on the door that had been pestering you all week, along with the knowledge that tomorrow was monday, which meant that you would have to face the frigid outdoors to reach your workplace. a large sigh escaped your fatigued body, and you slumped down onto your desk, resting your head on the hard wood. it was hard to say how long you had been lying there before you heard the floor creak behind you. you raised your head lazily, turning around in your chair to see a man clad in a dark miner’s outfit and mask observing you from the doorway. you huffed with amusement, a small smile forming on your lips.

“harry, i dont think you need to wear that suit in here.”

still, he stood, his only movement the rise and fall of his shoulders with each heavy breath. since you two had begun your rather…odd relationship, and harry had moved in with you, he rarely took his uniform off, though you were sure it was quite uncomfortable. you knew that the man you loved was very troubled, and would need time to heal his wounds, you wished that he could at least feel comfortable in your own home someday. you rose from your chair and walked over to him, stopping right before your face was inches from his. the man never moved, or even flinched, simply stared down at you, his powerful form towering over yours. you raised your hands to cup his mask, and his hands instinctively grabbed yours, ready to push them away.

“wait,” you relented, keeping your grasp on the dark fabric. “what if i give you something in return?” harry didnt give in, and pried your hands off of him.

“okay,” you said softly in response to his movements. “i have to finish up some work, we can do whatever you want when im done, yeah?” you smiled at his expressionless mask, turning to return to that awful desk, that endless pile of paperwork. suddenly, a gloved hand seized your wrist, and you looked behind you to see harry, who had moved forward and grabbed you to stop you from leaving.

“come on, harry, i have to do this,” you told the masked man, a yawn nearly interrupting your speech. still, harry didnt move at your request, still keeping his grip on your arm tight.

you raised an eyebrow at him, turning around to make it easier to face him.

“itll only take a little while,” you lied. harry tugged on your arm this time, pulling you back towards him.

“harry-“

he shook his head, gazing down at your tired eyes. your hand in his, harry led you away from your desk, away from the incomplete stack of work that nagged at the back of your mind. harry brought you to the living room, simply bringing you to the couch in front of the radiating fireplace. you sat down next to him, the warmth from the hearth soothing your aching muscles. harry settled beside you, his eyes transfixed on the flames that blazed before the two of you. the image of the fire reflected in the eyes of his mask, and you stared, watching them flicker. harry turned his head as he felt your eyes on him, and a moment passed before harry took your hand again. this time, he brought it to his mask, and you suddenly realized that he was giving you permission to remove it. with anxious hands, you pulled off the mask, revealing harrys face, the fire giving his skin a warm red tint. you smiled at the image of your lover, and held his face in your hands, pressing a kiss to his lips. you thought you had felt the hint of a smile form on his lips. pulling away, you rested your head on the mans shoulder, the heat from the fireplace, the sound of harrys steady breaths, the warmth of the entire setting providing a calming lullaby that relieved all of the growing stress in your body and mind, until nothing remained but pure, simple peace.

[wolfqueen-is-here]

Kisses Remembered, Kisses Forgotten (Jonsa Secret Santa 2018)

Dearest @moonchildslife, I am so sorry for my delay, Christmas was crazier than I expected, and I didn’t finish my gift on time. But it is here now, and I hope you don’t find it too terrible ;). I wish you a wonderful year with Jonsa becoming canon in April and our fandom wishes coming true. Be happy, be healthy, be yourself! <3

Many thanks to @jonsasecretsanta2018 who made all of this happen, you truly are amazing!

  A/N Don’t be alarmed by a brief mention of the Hound. I promise you, it has nothing to do with SanSan in any way except mentioning The Un-Kiss. Book!canon, but mostly show!canon, can be interpreted both as a filler and an AU. 2300 words

  Kisses Remembered, Kisses Forgotten

Every now and then Sansa remembers, even though she has tried so hard to leave the past behind. The Hound was rough and scary, but the kiss that he took left a lingering taste on her lips—it was as soft as snow, almost familiar, she’s caught herself missing the shy affection that came with the kiss, a wary touch so vulnerable it felt almost childish. She remembers the kiss that he took. The only thing she doesn’t remember is him taking it.

Every night feels longer and darker than the former ones. It isn’t until she jumps from Winterfell walls that she remembers how to feel warm again, but the road north is as cold as ice and covered in snow. “His lips felt warm”, she thinks as she runs towards her freedom. “The kiss that he took, it felt warm.”

There are times when she is almost certain that she gave it willingly.

 —

“You look cold,” Jon says after staring at her in silence for a good half an hour. It would annoy her beyond reason, were it anyone else, anyone less trustworthy, anyone less… Jon, but coming from him it’s almost flattering. No one has ever cared for her so since she’d lost Father. Not once until this very moment has she felt safe since then.

“I’m okay,” she smiles. His unblinking eyes refuse to leave hers even for a second as if she’d vanish otherwise. Sansa leans towards him and strokes the inside of his palm with her thumb. It’s the most innocent of caresses, but it makes Jon stiffen and finally lower his head. She misses the stare instantly. “I’m okay, Jon.”

She tastes his name on her tongue. It feels rough—when was the last time she used it? —but sweeter than all the cake she’s ever had. She wants to swallow it, possess it, make it hers. “Jon,” she muses. “Jon. My Jon.”

If it’s something more primal than sisterly affection, she doesn’t recognise it in time. It may occur to her later, but it will be too late.

 —

The first night that she spends at Castle Black is a sleepless one. The shadows are long when she paces aimlessly around the room, too exhausted to fall asleep, too cold to lie still. Knocking at the door alerts her at first—she’s not used to feeling safe yet—she whispers: “Who’s there?” so quietly as if she were hoping nobody would answer.

“It’s me,” Jon says.

She lets him in.

“Do you have everything that you need?” he asks, looking at her with a strange longing.

Had it been more fitting, she’d say: “I have you,” but in their current situation she’d stumble over the words for certain. Instead, she just invites him to stay—just sit next to her and not talk until the sun rises and the shadows go back under her bed. They repeat it every night after that, it seems to comfort both of them.

 —

Jon’s eyes follow Sansa as he tries to find something—anything—that would remind him of a little girl she used to be. Her skirts dance when she rocks her hips, walking around Castle Black like she’d lived here all her life. He wants to avert his gaze but finds it impossible. She’s grown so tall, so slender—so beautiful.

“She’s your sister,” he thinks angrily, hiding his face in his hands. “You are not allowed to look at her like that.”

There were times, many lives ago, when they were only children. Sansa’s hair was more orange than auburn, Jon’s face—smooth, not a trace of beard or scars on it. They both called lord Eddard Stark their father. They both walked around holding Robb’s hand. They both watched Bran fall asleep while they were singing lullabies. Both, yes, but not—together.

When he tries to think about their lives before everything happened, before he went north and she went south, he keeps coming back to that one particular memory. And he’s not allowed to remember it. Not ever.

“She’s your sister,” he thinks, but as her lips move while she’s telling him another story, he watches. The redness of them almost provocative, they look like she’s been biting them for the past few hours. It’s a mesmerising set of colours: her lips with a raspberry tint, screaming to be tasted, licked, devoured; her eyes, deep blue almost exactly like the ones that used to follow him with disdain when he was nothing more than a bastard boy, but there’s no disdain in Sansa’s eyes, only hope. Her fair complexion contrasts with the dark streaks of her auburn hair, almost brown in the dimly lit room. Jon quashes the need to cup Sansa’s cheek and stroke it with his fingers, to check if her soft, unwavering beauty isn’t only a product of his hallucinations. He wouldn’t dare.

 —

Sansa enters the dining room when there’s barely anyone left. A few wildlings share a horn of ale, laughing. There’s also Edd sitting in the furthest, darkest corner, and he looks really down—Edd always looks down, that’s an inherent part of his personality, “The defining part”, Tormund insists, but Sansa doesn’t care, because Edd, albeit rather shy, is kind and caring, and that’s more than she could expect from a stranger. The wildlings terrify her still, she doesn’t know their customs, they’re far too loud and bold for her taste, so she chooses to cross the room and take a sit in front of Edd.

They don’t talk, there’s no need for it. Sansa eats her soup, wondering whether Jon has already eaten, and Edd just keeps staring at the ceiling. Weirdly, his silent presence comforts Sansa more than any words could.

When everybody leaves, Sansa reaches for Edd’s half-empty horn and moves her hand up and down its uneven surface. It’s become apparent these past few days that sleep refuses to come easily for her at Castle Black, and when she finally drifts off after hours of rolling over from side to side, her dreams are filled with memories—but are they real? Are they hers?

She doesn’t think about the Hound that often. He’s been a big part of her life when she was a prisoner in King’s Landing, but her fascination with his tragic story faded and went by long ago. She cannot remember his face anymore, only the scars, she doesn’t even know if she’d be glad to see him again. The memories of him and the torments from the Lannisters became too inseparable in her mind, and that’s why she doesn’t want to think of him or imagine their meeting.

Not now. Not ever.

Then why is her brain so set on bringing back the memory of the kiss? She can feel a sweet breath on her chin every morning when she wakes up from her blurry dreams—why is it sweet? Wasn’t the Hound monumentally drunk that night?—she can taste it, again and again. Her first kiss, that one thing she knows for sure. She’d gotten a few pecks from Joffrey, yes, they should probably count as first, but somehow it doesn’t feel right.

She closes her eyes and clasps her hands around the horn.

“I thought you weren’t fond of our ale,” Jon says, suddenly very close—how did he get so close without Sansa hearing his steps? Did she black out again?

“I heard it helps to forget.”

“It does,” his voice sounds worried, “for a while. It doesn’t make your past go away.”

Sansa raises her head and their eyes lock immediately as if they’re a couple of lovers always on a mission to find each other.

“For a while,” she repeats. “Sounds better than never.”

The ale tastes much worse than she remembered it—it’s bitter and stale, and reeks of old, damp barrels—but her lips don’t leave the edge of the horn until it’s empty. Jon’s eyes move to her throat as she swallows and stay there even after she’s finished.

At first, she doesn’t think anything’s changed—the same emptiness fills her, the same desperation—but minutes pass as they sit opposite one another in silence, and her head finally starts to feel both lighter and heavier, her thoughts stir inside her brain, but never fully form. It’s a bliss. It’s a curse.

She sits in the middle of a meadow, it’s late summer. The winds got chilly but she’s got a blanket around her arms. She’s knitted it herself. She’s content. She’s happy. She’s Queen Naerys Targaryen.

“Are you alright? That’s quite a lot of ale you just inhaled,” Jon murmurs, gently touching her arm. Sansa looks up and smiles at him.

“I’ll be fine,” she answers. “I’ll be fine, Jon. You can go to sleep, you look tired.”

He laughs hoarsely and it makes Sansa’s belly tighten.

“Not until I see you safely tucked under your furs.”

He approaches her with his back straight and a sword at his side. Where did he get that sword, she thinks briefly but continues to look at his beaming face.

“I’ve come to rescue you, my Queen.”

“You can’t, my love,” she says, remembering to dress her face in the deepest, most regal shade of sadness. “We’re bound to our fate forever. You’ve made your vows, as I have made mine.”

He kneels before her. He’s brave, he’s gentle, he’s strong. He’s Prince Aemon the Dragonknight.

Sansa tries to stand up all too quickly, her head spins violently and she has to hold on to the table to avoid falling. She can barely feel her legs and her arms—how strong was that ale?—but the burning hotness of Jon’s hand on her lower back, oh, that she feels.

“Careful,” he says, pulling her closer and throwing her arm around his neck. “You’re still much too weak to start drinking so heavily. Don’t let go, alright? I’m going to walk you to your chambers now.”

And he proceeds to do just that.

When Sansa lies in bed feeling truly sleepy for the first time since she’s reached Castle Black on her dying horse, she suddenly remembers everything.

His face is just inches away. He’s wearing his hair pulled tightly in the back like a true adult, but he’s been playing with swords all day and a few strands have escaped the knot, hanging loosely around his face. She feels the urge to curl one of them around her finger but before she decides to make a move, he leans in and kisses her on the lips.

It surprises her—the lightness of it as much as the act itself. “It’s not wrong as long as I’m Queen Naerys and he’s Prince Aemon,” she tells herself as she involuntarily moves closer and exhales into his warm mouth. His fingers wander up and down her sleeve, curious but never inappropriate. The kiss doesn’t last long, a few heartbeats maybe, but before it’s finished, she can hear him whisper: “Sansa.”

And instantly he’s Jon again, and she’s Sansa. And they’ve done something unforgivable.

 —

Jon’s almost asleep when he hears banging at his door. He jumps out of bed and rushes to open it only to find a breathless Sansa on the other side. Her eyes are wide, and she looks absolutely terrified. If she’s still a bit in her cups, it doesn’t show.

“What happened?” he asks.

She’s shivering. He wants to put his hand on her arm but she jumps away.

“You kissed me,” she hisses, her tone accusatory.

Jon blinks. Not that he hasn’t thought of it, because of course he has. He won’t admit it to anyone but though he tried extremely hard to see his long-lost sister in the beauty that has brought him back to life, he failed miserably. The truth is—she was never a sister to him, not even before they parted ways.

“I assure you,” he answers quietly, “I did not. I didn’t even enter your chambers, I asked lady Brienne to help.”

“Not tonight,” Sansa sighs and Jon realises she’s standing before him barefoot, dressed only in some old sleeping gown, but somehow she’s never looked more queenly with her demanding expression and fiery glare. “When we were children. A few months before we left Winterfell. We played… we played, and you…”

And he kissed her.

He kissed her and he never regretted it once until she came to him, crying, and ordered him to forget it ever happened. He didn’t want to, it was too precious a memory, but he obliged. For Sansa.

“I thought we weren’t speaking of it,” he whispers carefully.

She was really shook when she came to him that day, he never wanted to see Sansa cry, and to be the reason for her despair—it was too much for him to bear.

“We aren’t. I just… I forgot.”

“You forgot?” he asks, feeling hurt. It was his only kiss before Ygritte and he wasn’t even allowed to savour that memory. How could she have forgotten?

“I’m sorry,” she says. “What we did… it was wrong. I didn’t… I couldn’t… I think I repressed it. I made myself believe it happened with someone else.” She lowers her head and he’s afraid to spook her by asking who that person was, but he’s certain it will haunt him forever. Was it Joffrey? Gods, he hopes it wasn’t him. Jon couldn’t bear it. Sansa makes a strangled noise at the back of her throat. “But I remember now.”

He doesn’t know what more to say, but Sansa doesn’t seem to expect any kind of explanation. It happened. It shouldn’t have, but it did. And it changed things between them.

Sansa finally dares to look at him. Her lips are parted, ready as they were in that meadow years ago. He doesn’t take advantage of her vulnerability. When they win back Winterfell, when the war is over—she will come to him of her own volition.

And he will have that second kiss, gods be damned.

[missmarquin]

Magnetic, Ch. 1

In the future, romantic attraction is literal: each person is fitted with an electromagnetic bracelet which will pull you to your soulmate. It's hard, wondering who's out there for you. It's harder yet, when you have to come to understand yourself first.

Read on A03, for best quality (Including proper italics and such!)

Domain

‘A magnetic domain is a region within magnetic material in which the magnetization is uniform in one direction.’

Eighteen was a big year for many, but turning twenty is what people truly waited for.

Otabek had never really given it much thought, he supposed. Amita might not have been his initial choice of who he’d want to spend his life with forever, but she had since grown on him-- not unlike a fungus. She was sharp and quick-witted, and he had to admit that his parents had made a good choice. Really, they had. He and Amita just worked together, their relationship didn’t require much effort.

So the ceremonious receiving of the Destiny Bracelet wasn’t so ceremonious for him. He didn’t want to fuck up something that was good for him.

“It’s such a stupid fucking name,” Yuri said through the phone screen. Amita rolled her eyes, as she held the phone out, and Otabek smirked back at the video feed. “ Destiny Bracelet . What is this, some shitty fucking rom-com?”

“Hey now,” Amita pouted, leaning around so Yuri could see her through the screen. “ Some people like shitty rom-coms.”

“I guess you’re allowed to,” Yuri said with a genuine smile. “You’re special though.”

Really, Otabek’s luck couldn’t be better. Yuri was the most important person in the world to him, at the end of things, and he fucking lovedAmita. They were practically partners-in-crime themselves.

“What’s the point anyhow?” Yuri continued griping. “ It’s not like you aren’t getting married regardless. You and Amita are stupidly in love.”

Otabek and Amita shared an amused glance, and he said, “Why not? It’s not like it’s going to hurt me, you know? Besides, Mom is curious.” Not his mom, just Mom, the woman who had seen Yuri once before instantly adopting him as her own. Much to the boy’s aggravation.

Yuri snorted, rolling his eyes. Otabek wasn’t sure that he was stupidly in love with Amita, but he was happy and honestly, that was more than he could ask for. There was a mild fear that the bracelet would want to pull him somewhere else, but many people ignored it anyway. The journey of finding that soulmate wasn’t worth it to some.

Otabek was okay with that. He wasn’t the kind for grand romantic gestures or sweeping adventures. It was less work to stay in his tidy little bubble, and it suited him.

“Are we all ready in here?” A voice piped from the doorway. Everyone turned to meet a middle-aged man, the proctor in charge of attaching and turning on the gizmo. Otabek nodded and he whisked into the room, settling into the rolling stool beside the bed.

“I was I could be there for this,” Yuri muttered. “I wish I could see the annoyance on your face, the moment that bracelet beeps.”

Such a Yuri thing to say and do, to take pleasure in the vexation of others.

“Someone has rehearsal to be at, you know,” Amita chided. “Someone scored a spot in the Bolshoi Ballet Company, so that someone needs to stay put and not burn bridges before they are even built.”

Yuri sighed and Otabek hid a smile behind a carefully placed cough. Yuri wouldn’t listen to him, but he would always listen to her, begrudging as it was.

“Hold out your arm now,” the proctor interrupted cheerfully. Otabek did as he was told and the man fitted a length of cool metal around his wrist. It wasn’t his first time seeing one and it wouldn’t be his last, but he was always surprised by how boring it looked. Just a simple chain of lightweight links, fitted with neat and elegant looking square. The way it worked was a carefully guarded secret, but it worked and that’s all people cared about.

The point of the Destiny Bracelet was to make people happy, not make money and so, the world-wide program had been adopted free of charge. Yuri had always said it was stupid, because it could have made billions. He wasn’t wrong.

“As you probably already know, there’s nothing really needed to know about it’s use,” the proctor said. “It’s waterproof and practically indestructible, so you don’t need to worry about that. It can easily be removed if so wished, and once put back on, instantly kicks into gear again. No fancy buttons or doohickies,” he finished with a laugh. “You ready?”

Otabek shrugged and the man took a thin little tool, about the size of a paperclip, and shoved it into the pin-sized hole on the square. The bracelet beeped, indicating that it was scanning.

The room waited with bated breath, but nothing seemed to happen.

“Beks?” Amita said gently, curiosity full on her face. “Anything?”

“Uh,” Otabek started, lifting his wrist slightly. “No? I don’t think?”

The proctor didn’t seem fazed though, asking, “No tingling sensations? No feeling of being tugged a certain direction?”

“No,” Otabek confirmed. “Nothing.”

“Well, that’s not unusual,” the man said. “It only comes to life if your partner’s bracelet is active. Give it some time and it will start to work, I promise.” He folded his hands into his lap neatly. “Any other questions?”

“Yeah,” Yuri said from the video call, “Who’s placing bets on when that fucking happens?”

Otabek shot Yuri a glare, but Amita burst into laughter. The proctor smiled, before standing and handing Otabek a flyer. “This should give you more in depth information, but don’t hesitate to call, okay?”

Otabek nodded and thanked him, before standing himself.

“Three months till your woman gets hers,” Yuri drawled, “Ten thousand rubles that hers lights up like a damn Christmas Tree in your direction.”

The thought of Amita’s bracelet reacting to his own was a nice thought, but a one-in-a-million chance. Otabek remained hesitant about it, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“We don’t use rubles,” Amita tittered, her lips pulled into a sarcastic smirk. “What’s that about in tenge, Otabek?”

“About fifty-six thousand,” he deadpanned, and half Yuri’s monthly salary. Amita pressed her finger to her chin in thought.

“I’ll accept the bet and raise it, Yuri,” she finally said, a gleam in her eye. “One hundred thousand tenge that his bracelet doesn’t do jack shit when mine is activated.” Amita came from old money and didn’t bat an eye at the outrageous amount.

Otabek started slightly at that, but Yuri was already accepting the challenge before he could process that she had bet against them.

“You’re on, you hag,” Yuri snapped. “It’s pretty fucked up to bet against your own romance though.”

“Plenty of people don’t go searching for their soulmate, Yuri,” she said with a shrug. “Many people already love someone else and stick with them. Otabek and I are no different.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Amita when she said it, but the both of them weren’t the kind to throw around something like lovelightheartedly. When they walked out of the building though, Amita’s hand reached out to find his, squeezing gently as they told Yuri goodbye.

It’s enough to believe that this might actually work.

It wasn’t.

Otabek didn’t know what was wrong with him when he finally came to that conclusion.

The more and more he thought about the silent bracelet on his wrist, the more he realized that he would be okay with it staying that way for the rest of his life. And that he would be a-okay with Amita wandering off and finding her own destined one.

Because honestly, the woman deserved it. She deserved more than a half-hearted romance with a man who just liked her. Like wasn’t the same as love. Otabek understood that now.

“Relationships are fucking useless,” Yuri groaned over the video call.

“I take it that the date didn’t go well then,” Otabek mused.

“It was great, until he tried to eat my face off like some sort of rabid dog. ” Yuri paused to make a disgusted sound. “You know, that was the first time I’ve kissed a dude and honestly I feel sorry for women. Men are disgusting.”

Otabek wasn’t sure what surprised him more-- that Yuri’s first kiss had apparently been with a woman, or that he had admitted that men were gross. “You told me he was gross before you went on the date,” he pointed out.

“Personality wise yes,” Yuri replied, “but Beka, have you seen his fucking calves?”

“Yes,” Otabek said. Yuri had shown him tons of pictures of the company, all the while complaining about every single member.

Yuri rolled his eyes. “You know, ignore that, it’s not like you’d ever fucking agree.”

It came out harsher than he meant, and Otabek mused at the irony of his statement. Otabek wouldn’t consider himself gay, but Yuri never failed to get under his skin when the time accounted for it. That moment wasn’t an exception, with his low-scooping neckline and hair falling around his face like spun gold.

Otabek promptly reminded himself that what he had with Amita was good enough, and not worth risking the only fucking friendship he had.

“So,” Yuri drawled and Otabek’s attention snapped back to him. “Less than a week until Amita get’s her little bracelet.”

Otabek smirked. “Regretting your bet yet?”

“Absolutely the fuck not. Everyone knows you two are disgustingly perfect. You’re almost as bad as the Piggy and Old Man.”

Otabek seriously doubted that, but laughed all the same.

“Are you worried?” Yuri asked.

“Not really,” Otabek said with a shrug.

“What if it’s not you?”

Otabek hesitated, but then said, “Not a problem. Like Amita said, many people stay with those they aren’t meant for. It’s not a bad thing.”

Yuri was quiet for a moment, regarding him carefully through the screen. Finally, he said, “You aren’t the type to do things half-way, Beka.”

It wasn’t a critique, it was the honest truth, and for once he didn’t know how to reply. But as soon as introspective Yuri had shown his face, he was gone, throwing out a dirty joke that he had heard from one of the pit musicians.  

After a long time of tossing jokes around and swapping stories, their call comes to its end. Yuri was clearly tired, eyelids drooping as he tucked into the hoodie that he stole from Otabek years ago.

Yuri had said his goodnight, about to end the call, when Otabek said something else.

“Would it make me a terrible person if I wanted her bracelet to point to someone else?” It wasn’t a planned question, or something he would have ever asked Yuri. His friend blinked slowly, his hand hovering over the keyboard of his laptop. “I wonder,” Otabek continued, “if I’m a horrible person because I might want to pull away.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Yuri finally said. “It makes you normal. Everyone questions their relationships. Sometimes people are constantly questioning them.” He paused and considered something else. “You’re lucky though, I think. Amita seems the kind of woman tough enough to handle rejection in the end. She’d slap a smile on her face and thank you.”

Yuri wasn’t wrong, and despite his heavy-handed worries, Otabek managed another smile before they ended the call for the night.

Otabek couldn’t dedicate time to be there, when Amita’s bracelet was activated. She came from old money, and despite working, she worked for her parents. They showered her with all the vacation and time off she could have ever wanted.

It wasn’t like Otabek’s family weren’t well of either-- that’s how they had met-- but he didn’t like to dip his hand into the cookie jar so to speak. He worked hard for his coin, and as a result had less leeway.

So that night, he had been in his garage, fixing up a vintage bike for a collector. It was dirty work, leaving him smeared with grease, but he loved it. The feel of the tools in his hand, the way that the engine whined when finely tuned to perfection.

Really, it was all could have ever asked for.

“I take it that it’s been a good day for you, Beks,” Amita said, stepping into his space quietly.

He swiped at his forehead and turned to smile at her, but she seemed distant and subdued. Slowly he dropped his hand, as he regarded her.

Amita fidgeted, she never fidgeted, and Otabek couldn’t help the crease that stretched across his forehead as he moved to speak. But she held her hand out and paused. And he saw the bracelet there, blinking gently in the dim light.

His didn’t blink at all, because it had no call.

She saw his gaze and moved her hand self-consciously, tucking her hair behind an ear. “It’s not strong,” she said, “the pull. Whoever it is isn’t close by. I’m not surprised though.”

“I-- I’m not either,” Otabek replied, but the words didn’t sound bitter. Nor was there dread in the pit of his stomach. If he had to be honest, he felt relieved.

Amita leaned against his workbench. “I know what we told Yuri, but--”

“But it’s not right,” Otabek finished, knowing that’s where she was going with this. He stood, wiping his dirtied hands on a spare rag in his pocket. He moved to lean next to her and she smiled sadly.

“It’s stupid, right? I mean, I want to marry you.”

“I would like that too,” Otabek said truthfully.

“But it isn’t… it’s not right,” she repeated. “I can’t really describe it any other way.” She sighed softly. “I couldn’t deny whoever your soulmate is, you, Otabek.”

He snorted at that. “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed to be alone, Amita,” he replied lightheartedly. And that was probably the truth. Most bracelets activated within several months, and the longer it took, the less likely it ever would. He was past the point of holding his breath.

She turned to look at him, her eyes flashing. “Why on earth would you think that?”

Otabek rubbed at his neck nervously. “I don’t know, I’m just not the kind of person who does people, you know? I’ve been thinking more and more about it lately, and I think that the single lifestyle would suit me.”

Amita regarded him quietly, tapping her finger against her chin like she always did when she thought. “I think the problem Beks,” she finally said, “is that you just haven’t found your person yet. I would love to be them, but… it’s not fair.”

“Yeah, it’s not fair to you--”

“ To you,” she interrupted. Otabek blinked at her words, her conviction. “You deserve happiness as much as anyone else,” she said firmly.

Otabek breathed an uneasy sigh, rubbing at his neck again. “I’m not holding my breath, you know,” he finally said.

At that, she laughed. “I wouldn’t expect you too. Above all Otabek, you are practical.”

He managed a smile at that. “What will you do, then? Go after him?” He took her hand gently, pulling it closer to see the bracelet. All it did was blink, signaling that it was on.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I’m not sure my parents would be happy. They love you.”

“They love you more,” he pointed out.

She hummed at that, before reaching up and cupping his chin in her hand. “I’ll always love you,” she said quietly. “Despite what this bracelet says, or yours, I’ll always love you. I’m just not the one meant for you, I think.” She leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his brow sweetly. “Who knows? Maybe they’re closer than you think?” She smirked widely as she pulled back and let him go.

Otabek could think of one person that he wouldn’t mind, but those odds were heavily stacked against him. And he wasn’t the kind to dream.

Still, when she left him behind in his shop, his heart didn’t feel heavy. He thanked Amita for her unwavering friendship, knowing that he’d have it forever.

The first year after the break up had been weird.

Amita had decided to go West in the end, following the tug of her bracelet. Otabek had seen her off personally, hugging her tightly at the airport. They parted well, with light hearts and encouraging words. Otabek knew that they had made the right decision, no matter how disappointed their parents had been.

In turn, being alone had given him time to think.

The single life wasn’t so bad, he thought. Amita’s words about how he hadn’t found his someone yet floated around here and there, but he had chosen to mostly ignore them. It was easier worrying about himself, and devoting the time to come to understanding who he was.

Yuri told him that he was stupid, but didn’t press the issue.

The second year was better. The second year, Otabek discovered himself, exploring his freedom. He finally used that vacation time and savings, and hit the open roads on his bike. Not too far though gone, because he never missed his nightly calls with Yuri.

Yuri threw himself into ballet, constantly tired and bruised. And when he wasn’t punishing his body with grueling training regimes, he threw himself into shitty date after shitty date. No one seemed to stick, not that Otabek was surprised. Yuri was as prickly as a summer cactus, and his personality wasn’t much better. Not everyone could handle the abrasive man.

“A huge part of me doesn’t want to get the stupid bracelet, Beka,” Yuri complained one night during their call. His twentieth birthday was looming over them and in a few weeks, he’d know.

“You don’t have to get the bracelet, you know,” Otabek said, leaning back against his headboard. It was a late night and both of them were settling for bed.

Yuri sighed, sitting on his tony mattress with crossed legs. That night he wore baggy sweatpants and a wide-necked black shirt that showed off his collarbones--

Otabek distracted himself by taking a sip from the water cup on his side table.

“I thought about it, actually,” Yuri said. “But then you know, I also keep dating assholes, so clearly my method isn’t working out.”

Otabek raised an eyebrow at that. “Don’t date assholes then,” he chided, smiling.

Yuri rolled his eyes, before falling back against the bed. “How do you do it?” he asked. “How do you just… do your own thing?”

Otabek thought before he answered. “It’s taken time and a lot of thought,” he finally said. “And of course, Amita pushed me, I guess.”

“A cross-country trip to discover yourself doesn’t hurt either,” Yuri teased, and when Otabek looked back at him through the screen, he saw the smirk across his lips. Otabek smiled right back.

“I’ve thought about taking it off,” Otabek continued with, flicking at the metal on his wrist. Nearly three years later and it was still dead as a door nail. Frankly, Otabek had lost interest in waiting. “My soulmate doesn’t define me, you know?”

Yuri hummed quietly. “Don’t,” he finally said. “I mean, at least wait until it turns on, yeah?”

“It probably won’t, Yura,” Otabek sighed. “Studies show that most activate within the first year. I’m probably the rare case of never activates at all . And honestly, I’m cool with it.”

“Well I’m not,” Yuri scoffed. “You can’t tell me that someone doesn’t get Otabek Altin as a fucking soulmate, I won’t take it. You’re too cool to go it alone.”

“You literally said that you admire that about me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re deserving.”

Otabek ran a hand through his hair gently. “You aren’t like me, Yura,” he finally said. “Even though you don’t like people, you crave their attention. You’d never be okay on your own.”

“I wouldn’t be alone though,” Yuri replied quietly. “I’ll always have you, you know.”

Otabek did know, and he smiled. “It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am, but I’m good now. Give yourself a chance too, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. There was a short pause, and then, “Do yourself a favor Beka. Don’t you take yours off either, okay?”

Otabek’s lips quirked into a smile. “Okay.”

“It’s a promise?”

“Always, Yura.”

Despite all of Otabek’s annoyance for his own bracelet, he was excited for Yuri.

He watched through the screen as Yuri sat on the exam table, twitching with apprehension. The phone must have been propped up against something.  “It’s stupid,” he snapped. “I should be at rehearsal, I should be running through forms, hell I’d rather be doing fucking squats.”

Otabek smiled at that. “It’s not the end of the world, Yura,” he said amused. “A few years ago, you were excited .”

“Yeah, until I realized what a drag dating is, and how disgusting men are.” He paused then, his face twisting into horror. “Beka, what if my soulmate is a woman? My life would be over!”

“It could be worse, you know,” he joked. “It could not work at all.” He raised his own wrist in response.

Yuri scowled at him, about to retort when the proctor came in. When requested to, Yuri stuck his arm out, the smooth skin pale against his dark shirt. Otabek watched as the man slipped the chain around his wrist, snapping it closed. And then the tool came out.

Yuri looked hesitant, but his eyes were bright as the man activated the bracelet.

But then they both fell quiet, watching. And then there was a little beep and Yuri’s bracelet blinked. He regarded it with an odd look.

“You know, I wish Amita were watching. I bet her smug ass would have enjoyed this.”

Before Otabek could retort though, there was another beep, this time not through the phone call. He froze and looked down, right as his bracelet flared to life.

[heroesarelife]

Similar to the ask about how they’d celebrate their s/o birthday, what if the s/o of Deku, Tokoyami and Shouji (it’s okay if you don’t do Shouji or Tokoyami) Found Out their s/o forgot it was their own birthday? Mine is tooand it completely went over my head due to my school schedule needing more attention than myself at the moment 😅 Thanks in advance 😁🍀

Heya! Such a cute ask, so lets go for it! I changed shouji for kirishima since it’s just been our boy’s birthday _

Midoriya Izuku

This boy would know their brithday months in advance, he definitely would. He has a notebook, see. Just like the ones he holds for heroes, but he has a special one just for the people of importance to him, filled with the most unnecessary - and in other circumstances downright stalk-ish - wee details about their lives, tastes, alergies, likes and dislikes and so on. Nothing escapes his observant eye and unmatched gentle heart.

In classic nerd fashion, he would jot down new ideas for his s/o birthday whenever they would occur to him, be it about gifts or just activities, who to invite (and who not to), if he ended up doing a full outing.

So by the time the date starts to approach (almost a month away, we are dealing with an anxious boy here), he will look them up and start making more concrete plans, he will even get a detailed copy of his s/o schedule by hacking into their google calendar somehow, just so his planning will be viable.

Likewise, the always observant Midoriya doent’s fail to notice how absolutely busy his s/o is. Not only schedule-wise, but how their mind seem to be always planning and occupied with something and things and other people and the wolrd - with not much to spare for themselves. He starts suspecting that they might be forgetting a very special date.

He knows he’s absolutely right by the day before the birthday, with his s/o having made no allusion or comment about their birthday and what they would like to do. And Midoriya, more than willing to take that weight out of their (very busy) shoulders, thought it best to not ask and remind them. He’s got it.

Given how busy his s/o is, he plans something subtle, more intimiate and relaxing, as opposed to an outing which would demand more energy.

There would be no warning either, he would approach the whole thing very subtly, like. Making sure to make his s/o remember that they would have a date night or somesuch, downplaying it as if he just misses spending time with them and wouldn’t it be nice?

So his s/o will be completely surprise that at some point during their “date”, Midoriya gives them a gift and has a small cake as well, for the hell of it. For a second they even panic thinking perhaps they forgot an anniversary or some othe important date, I mean, it can’t be chirstmas already can it?

Midoriya thinks is the cutest and feels a bit guilty for making them worry, but ends up reminding them is their birthday. He also tells them to be careful and take some time for themselves, but they know it’s half-hearted, what, coming from the embodiment of overworking himself.

Kirishima Eijiriou

With a heart that could fit within its maleable boundaries the whole world and the entirety of its population - pets included, no need to ask - with ease and space to spare, Kirishima would never purposefully leave his s/o’s birthday uncelebrated.

The key word here being purposefully. With enough naive distraction to compensate for the excess of kindness, he would easily get caught up in his infinite activites and the birthday would slip his mind (to his horror), despite having a bunch of notes in his calendar.

He thought, surely he would notice or remember one of the notes that he places in different notebooks and in different colours with varying degrees of saturation. Boy, he was wrong. That is to say, he notices it, but a day later and it takes all his self-control and Bakugou’s rough intervention for him to not bang his head againts the wall and destroy it in the process.

He panics for a bit, thinking surely his s/o would be upset, he didn’t even wish them happy birthday, for crying out loud! He feels lousy and as the worst boyfriend on earth. He is pretty much ready to get on his knees and apologize to them. And then his s/o calls him acting with all naturality and it strikes him that they, too, had forgotten, which leaves him hertbroken.

He’s a man on a mission now: he needs to do something for his s/o, they deserve the absolute best because they are amazing and he’s not going to let their birthday go unnoticed, that’s not manly at all. He wants them to feel loved and appreciated.

Ends up managing to put something together in record time, with an outstanding level of friend’s help and presence that only someone with his unique level of charisma is capable of pulling. Bakusquad is definitely involved - Bakugou is extraordinarily efficient despite the fowl mouthed complains - and most of the class; he’s well liked.

He tricks his s/o into leaving the confines of their room and their deadlines to come and meet him at a close by park at dawn of that very same day. One day after the offiial birthday date, but it’s something.

His s/o is clueless, tired and had needed some good-herated convincing, but they show up only to find an open-air improvised barbeque gathering with Kirishima and their friends. There’s music from improvised speakers, improvised fairy lights wrapped around the trees of the area, it’s nice, chill and good spirited.

Kirishima will “drive” the barbeque, having smartly been left out of cake duty to favour the more talented (aka not turning it into a sorry piece of coal), such as Satou.

He gives his s/o the biggest of hugs, enjoying the delighted surprise in their faces when they see everything.

Tokoyami Fumikage

Not too big on celebrations, this one. He doesnt like fuss over his own birthday, and will miss entirely the point on why someone else would want a fuss either. He finds it annoying and unnecessary and if his s/o were the party type, he would go (aka endure it) for their sake.

It doesn’t mean, however, that he will not do anything. In fact, he’s a bit nervous about it, unsure on what would be the best choice. He doesn’t wat to do nothing, but he doesn’t want too much either. Such a hard balance.

Dark Shadow is the stark opposite of helpful, hammering wild and ridiculous ideas nonstop at his ear and looking like he’s having a blast for that, the bastard. No he’s not going to pay airplanes to make a firework show using his s/o’s name, don’t be daft.

He will remember the birthday with some time in advance, perhaps 2 weeks. A romantic at heart, he will have made a note at some time or another that your birthday is a thing to come and to do something about, of course.

He will prefer to do something private, just him and his s/o. A nice meal that he knows they like, maybe an apple pie for desert? Because you know, apples make everything better always. It will look like a nice date, if anything, and his s/o won’t quite process that it’s a special occasion with only that. They have meals together often, including the rose at the center of the table. Nothing new.

The special part is the gift. He gave it some thought. Perhaps too much thought. Tried writng them poetry, but ends up embarrassed and with a bin overflowing with discarded scribbled papers, so he loses the courage and changes his mind.

Ends up making poetry after all, but he tells himself is cooler because its in the form of a song. He’s not a professional player by any means, but his guitar is a good hobby and he compensates lack of skill with the honest heart behind his composition. There’s also flowers, lots of flowers. Roses, of course.

It’s a bit tacky, since it ends up feeling like a bit too much, but it shows how much thought and awkward energy went into it, which is endearing in and by itself.

He ends up going a bit overboard afterall and purchases matching rings (promise rings, but he didn’t realise they were that specific type, he just liked the gothic design they had), given them together with a lovely card to his by now stunned s/o after he finishes the song.

The hilarious part is that, after he gives his s/o all those things they are unsure how to react, completely lost on what all this means. He has failed to tell them “happy birthday” and they are more than a little confused and slightly scared. Is Tokoyami perhaps asking them in marriage or something?

They end up asking that outloud, leaving Tokoyami absolutely mortified and makind Dark Shadow laugh maniacally. It’s also Dark Shadow that ends up clarifying the whole thing to his s/o, as Tokoyami takes a while to recover from the shock and is sulking.

[howtobeapersonwithfibro]

Fibro Blog #10 - Big Changes

It’s weird how much has changed for me as 2019 has rolled around. Both good things and bad things.

Let’s start with the bad, I guess, so we can end on a good note.

My pain and other symptoms have been terrible for the last several weeks. I’m not entirely convinced it’s all due to fibro - pain/nausea/dizziness at the back of my head that doesn’t quite fit the definition of fibro pain or a migraine. Whatever it is, it’s caused me to be unable to do just about any schoolwork (even with my part-time status) for the past couple of weeks.

I decided my best option was to withdraw and take the semester off.

It seemed like a terrible idea at first - how could I just not be in school for a whole semester? The idea of doing basically nothing just to accommodate my crappy health made me feel guilty.

But then I realized that what would make me feel guiltier would be to stay in classes and not be able to give them the effort that I know I am capable of. I can do great things in school and beyond, I’m sure of it -- but I need to get my health in order first.

I’ll be spending the next couple of months working on seeing a neurologist to hopefully figure out what’s going on with me, and getting some much-needed rest while doing some writing and other hobbies when I feel up to it. The idea is no longer making me very anxious - with support from my mom and academic advisor, I feel secure in my decision.

My academic advisor remarked that I seemed very at peace with this decision, and I realized she was right. I know what my body needs, and whether I’m happy about it or not, that’s what I need to do. The only thing left to do is adjust.

Other, more positive things I will be adjusting to this year: moving to a beautiful new house in my mom’s small hometown (not too far from where we currently live) and a wonderful new boyfriend who pretty much fell out of the sky, perfect for me, at a time when I least expected it.

I think a big goal of mine for this year (and one that I think I’m doing well on, so far) is to be flexible. For me, the biggest key to reducing anxiety is to be able to see anything that comes at you, and say, “This is happening. It’s okay that this is happening, and I will adjust to it however I need to.”

I wish you all a flexible, less stressful year with unexpected joys. <3

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[uhuhtytrack]

my last letters to my lover, mark lee, part 4

part 4/4

unedited !

genre: super mega angst

warnings: none

words: 695

prev

hey y’all,, so its been a god damn while. im sorry for not updating this, ive been so busy with exams and i leave for shanghai on wednesday its just a mess! anyways, i hope you enjoyed. this is the last part.

dear (y/n),

i’m sorry its taken me so long to reply back to you. i’ve tried to write this letter so many times now and each time it hasnt turned out right, this one might not even be the right one either.

somehow when i sit here and look at this blank page, it still doesnt seem enough. i dont think i could fit everything i want to say on this tiny piece of paper. theres too much to say and too little space for me to do so.

i dont know where to start with my apologies. you deserve so many apologies from me at this point it’s unbelievable- i did that to myself though. im sorry (y/n). im truly sorry for all the heartache ive put you through these past couple years.

i don’t know how to phrase this, but i’ve always thought of you as my forever. and yeah, that doesnt make much sense. but i’ve always pictured you to be the person i end up with at the end. if soulmates were possible i’d be confident that you were mine. a part of me still believes that youre my forever. a big part of me. you’re just so so good, youre something hardly anyone ever comes across in their entire life. youre so rare and precious; i didn’t cherish you enough when i had you. i really didnt. and now im on the other side of the world writing you a letter to try and make up for all the pain ive inflicted onto you. to try and make up for leaving, for not being there.

i dont think i will ever be able to make it up to you.

i think the reason i left without telling you was because i knew that one look from you, and i’d want to stay. you’ve always been the thing thats broken me down, im so weak for you. one look, one tear, one smile, i wouldve stayed. part of my heart lies with music but a bigger part of it lies with you.

i dont deserve you- hell i never did. when i had you i took you for granted. you deserve so much more than what i have to offer. youre so.. good. just good. everything about you is so kind, beautiful, extravagant and just simply good. i never deserved someone like you in the first place, and of course thats no excuse for breaking your heart and leaving you the way i did but i really wished the most for you. in a way, im happy you didnt stop loving me, thats still however very selfish of me. i had also wished you found someone deserving of the masterpiece that is you. deserving of everything you have to offer. when i think about you and i, i cant help but think; christ what did i do to deserve this person?

one last thing i want you to know is that i never stopped loving you. im convinced youre going to be the person i love forever, even if things dont work out for us. you have been there, supporting me through EVERYTHING my life has thrown at me. i know for a fact you still support me chasing my dream although i left you. thats just the person you are. im so hopelessly in love with you, you are everything i could ever want. im sorry i couldnt be a good enough man for you. i also left so that one day i could come back and finally be deserving of you. i guess it does sound kinda selfish, i just upped and left without a response. what i want you to know is, even if we never meet again, if we never get to speak or ever cross paths, i just want you to know i love you and want the best for you, even if it isnt me. i want you to be happy now and forever, and if thats finally forgetting me im okay with it; im okay with anything as long as you keep smiling.

you will forever be my love.

your lover,

mark

[arthurflecksgirl]

STOMPIN ON A DREAM *erotic Arthur Fleck short story *

Arthur Fleck and Reader

Involves: mental hospital, mental illness, sex

It was a quiet night in Arkham state hospital.

The only noise that was quietly floathing through the air was someone humming a song. Not loud, but still noticeable from the other side of the door. Doctor Finn didnt payed much attention to it. The patient with the case number 064823 did it since he came here 7 months ago. He always seemed to live in his own world. Most days it doesnt even seem to bother him that he is locked up in here. Thats how it seemed. But you knever know how it looks like on the inside of the patients heads. Especially when it came to Arthur Fleck.

He was very nice most of the time, not paying much attention to the other patients. Unless he wants to tell some jokes he just wrote down in his messy looking journal he carried with him everywhere he goes. Even to the bathroom. The doctors checked the diary daily, to make sure its fine for him to have it with him.  All in all he was one of the most quiet patients, which doesnt mean that the doctors felt comfortable around him. He was still an unsolved mysterie to them. Even to himself. Always in his own world but still observing. Always daydreaming, talking to himself but still having the presence  of someone who can change not only his but your own reality within a second. Some new doctor even left weeks ago because she was so drawn in by his presence, she was afraid to fall in love with him. Even though he never even talked to her or even noticed her. The intense look in his green eyes, the smirk on his face and the scar on his upper lip which made him look unpredictable and vulnerable at the same time was too much for her to handle. He was in his mid 30ies, his face slightly weathered but insanly attractive. You could hear him dancing through the hallways some nights, always playing a song in his head. His slim body moving graceful, light as a feather. Always an undefinable  expression on his face. A very beautiful but somehow broken man with a traumatic childhood. And alone. Always alone.

Arthur was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling in his white room. White exept for the red , big, messy written letters at which he was staring at.

"I thought of quitting baby, but my heart just ain`t gonna buy it"

He was closing his eyes. The red letters were still there. Now with a black background.

"Quitting" stood out now. The letters started to vibrate in his head. He got nerveaus, so he tried to calm himself down by humming the words. "I thought of quitting baby..." his voice as soft as his hands. His lips shaking a bit while trying to concentrate "...but my heart just aint gonna buy it...." his hands checking his chest, if he still had a heartbeat "...and if I´d think it was worth one single try..." he felt his heart beating, so he must have been still alive. "I`d ride on a big bird and then i´d fly". He opened his eyes. The letters were still there on the ceiling. Bt they stopped moving. He wasnt sure if it was a good thing that his heart was still beating. So many times he wished for it to stop. Just to  get rid of all the darkness around him. Of all the blood. Like the blood onthe ceiling which stared down at him. Judging him.

He tried to remember why he even came here. Why he spent the last months in this room. But nothing came to mind.  He looked at his wrists and noticed some cigarette burns. Maybe he tried to hurt himself. Maybe thats why he got locked up. He checked his wrists for more. No scars. "Who knows" he whispered to himself as the door suddenly opened and Dr Finn came in.

"Good morning Mr. Fleck. Could you please starting to get ready? Today is your day, remember? You can go home."

Arthur kept staring at the ceiling "Maám?"

"Yes Mr. Fleck?"

"Why havent you cleaned the ceiling? The bloody letters made me nerveaus all night"

The young doctor with her long, black hair smiled "Thats no blood, Mr. Fleck. You took a lipstick and wrote it two days ago. We cleaned it so many times but you still keep writing it again"

"I see. Its...its my fave song, you know?"

"Mr. Fleck did you hear what I told you? You can now pack your stuff and go home. But no hurry, just take your time, okay?"

The door closed as Arthurs mind wandered again.

He closed his eyes.

"Hey Arthur, how is it going? Did you missed me?"

He saw you standing there on other side of the room.

"I think I did (YN) ... oh yes.. I did !"

"Good to hear, Arthur. I missed you, too. Its been so long."

He kept staring at the corner of the room. You were beautiful, smiling at him.

"I cant wait to touch you again, Artie. To kiss you"

Arthurs hand was still  lying on his chest, now making its way down. He felt his ribs popping out. His skinny body looking starved. He wasnt eating like he should. All the meds stopped his appetite. His hands sliding over his hollow belly, further down and stopped between his legs.

He could hear your voice from across the room.

"Touch yourself for me, Arthur. I am watching you"

He nodded and grinned at you. Then focused on his own body again.

He was in his underwear only and stuck his left hand in it.

The letters on the wall now a lighter red. Lipstick. Obviously.

"You know this is my lipstick right there" he could hear you say.

"The same lipstick I kissed you with, remember?"

He softly started to play with his dick.

"I`m ...not sure (YN) "

He closed his eyes again. He thought it was the lipstick he owned by himself back from the days when he used to put clown make up on. He was a great party clown. With a huge painted on smile. But maybe that was just a story someone told him.

"Oh sure it is mine, Arthur. And I will kiss you again  with it. Till you`re out of breath. I will smear the red all over your face"

"Yeah?" a smirk on the left side of his lips which lifted up his scar. Made him look even more attractive. His almost shoulder long, brown hair  messy pressed against the pillow.

"Sure. And I wouldnt kiss you on your lips only."

Your voice echoed through his head.

"Where else?"

"Keep on touching youself, Arthur. Its my hand doing it."

"Its your hand (YN). Yeah I....I can feel it"

He softly squeezed and caressed the part between his slender legs, biting his lips.

He imagined you, lying on top of him, petting his sweaty curls. Calling him beautiful. It was your hand between his thighs as he felt waves of lust beginning to floath allthrough his body.

He now got rid of his underwear, his gentle hands around his dick which is getting harder as he imagines you rubbing yourself against his shaking body.

"Arthur, I can feel you all the way inside of me. Pull me closer. Please Arthur! Its could be never close enough!"

His hands up and down faster now.A silent moan coming from his thin lips.

He wanted to come closer. Entering your body, wearing you like a coat that keeps him warm in this cold, dark world.

He wanted to get closer to you, so he pushed himself into you. So gently but with an  almost unbearable intensivity. Just like when he was dancing. His face expression somewhere between pain and bliss.

"Arthur. You`re everywhere"

So were you. Your voice was everywhere. It wasnt only whispering in his ear. It filled the room, echoed from the walls. Your voice was a vibration between his legs, telling him to love you till you can`t breathe anymore.

"Do you love me (YN) he whispered.

All he wanted was to be loved. To be touched. he was graving it all through his life.

All this lonelyness was laying heavy on him, like a straight jacket. Holding him back from dancing with the ones he loved.

"I love you more than anything." your voice came from the letters on the ceiling.

"You have so many different sides. And I love every single one of them"

He masturbated harder now, humming.

"I`ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate a poet"

Your moans echoing through his head.

"...a poet, a pawn and a king"

"No matter how many ups and downs you may have, Arthur. I will never leave your side. We are one! Can`t you feel it? We are one body, one mind"

""I`ve been up and down and over and out..."

His eyes twitching from excitement. He is breathing heavier now, his long, dark eyelashes fluttering like butterflies.

He can almost taste your tongue in his mouth. Feel your hands touching the sweaty curls in his neck.

His voice still  whispering "I have waited so long for this".

He could feel the blood pulsing in his sensitive parts.

You were the girl of his dreams.

The one he thought about in his darkest hours.

All of his sexual fantasies he wrote in his journal were written about you.

His only light in a world of white walls and darkness.

He felt  the weight of your body on his fragile pelvis.

Arthur pressed his head into the white pillows as he was about to cum.

He couldnt take it anymore.

"(YN) *moaning* Oh my god, this is just....fuck me. Please (YN). Love me!"

Red lettering  blurring his vision.

He couldnt read what it says cuz the feeling of being able to cum this hard overwhelms him.

Black out.

Melodies.

So many melodies which don`t fit to each other.

So many colors blurring his mind.

Arthur presses his hands against his ears.

The sound won`t go away.

"(YN) ? "

No answer.

His hands are touching the sheets, so he could check if he was still lying in bed.

He was. Wet sheets.

His eyes wandered across the room.

He was alone.

Arthur touched his forehead to check if he had a fever dream.

He was unsure.

His greasy curls hanging in his tired eyes.

He felt a bit ashamed while he was putting his white underwear back on.

He crawled back under the sheets which he wished smelled like him but they didnt.

Another stare to the ceiling.

Red letters.

Lipstick. Blood maybe.

Someone was knocking at the door.

"Knock knock" he said as the door opened.

"Mr. Fleck, time to wake up. Maybe you will try to eat a bit more today?! You lost some weight again"

Arthur closed his eyes.

"You came earlier and  told me I can go home now"

Dr. Finn picked up the diary from the floor.

Taking a close look through the new written pages.

"More song lyrics, huh Mr. Fleck? I am afraid you can`t go home. Its the first time I visited you today. Have you took your medication?"

"Mhhh hhmmm"

"Did you had some visions again, Mr Fleck?"

The melodies got more quitet now.

The walls looked  bright and shiney.

Even the lettering on the ceiling was gone.

All cleaned up.

He put his finger upon his lips, looking in the doctors eyes. Humming. Silently. But you could still hear the words coming out of his mouth.

"..some people get their kicks, stompin on a dream"

Arthur smiled.

THE END

[lexehmariexoxo]

I’m Upset

I really want to be a mom

I know I don’t have all the money in the world, and I know that i don’t have all the motivation in the world for myself, just because ive been working on myself for jeeze i dont know how long.

i guess it all started when i got bullied everyday as a kid and came home crying to my mom. she always told me “never let them see you cry”.

And i didnt. But i would always feel like i wasnt shit and worthless since i could remember.

Especially around 2nd grade.

I always tried to fit in, i always wanted to be cool and make other people laugh, I always wanted to make everyone else happy but myself.

I dont know but i suppose that took a toll on me because damn, i can barley make myself happy anymore.

I know I am funny, i know im kinda pretty, I know that Im loved by my family. But some days, I dont think i am funny, i think im the ugliest female in the world, i feel like everyone hates me.

Thats how it goes with having a Mental disorder. Borderline personality disorder can kiss my ass. And i HATE IT.

No one but the people with BPD understand. Not even the psychologists, They tell you they understand and probe you and pick at you and put you on all these types of medications that make you even “crazier” and make you want to literally kill yourself.

In my case, im always depressed or extremely happy. There is literally no in between.

Theres a voice in my head telling me over and over “you will never be good enough why are you even trying”

I try to talk to my husband about having children, and i just dont want to wait.

I know it MAY or MAY NOT be better, but i know that in my heart THAT is what WILL make me happy forever, that is what will shape me into a better woman. That is THE REASON i will have to live and the reason that i WAKE UP everyday. I know that He also is part of that reason. But i know for a fact, if I can have a little human inside me to call mine, ALL MINE. And His, And Know that we will be a happy family, then i know that is what i want , that is honestly what will give me motivation in this life. If i cant have children i feel like i have no purpose. Why was i even created if i cannot create.

I have a ovarian Cyst on my Right ovary. It makes me scared. I cant talk to anyone about how i feel because it doesnt change anything.

I still feel upset.

I still feel like im not good enough, or if i ever will be.

He says i am

i wish i knew it

He says he needs me

I wish i knew it

I wish this voice in my head wouldnt tell me otherwise.

i wish my dad wasnt a drunk.

i wish i wouldnt have got raped

i wish i had friends.

i wish i felt beautiful in my own skin.

i wish i was a good roll model.

I wish i didnt turn to alcohol or drugs.

i wish i could have someone that completely understands me and whats going through my brain because i SURE AS HELL DONT.

I dont like myself

and then i love myself

i feel worthless

but i know my worth.

I don’t understand why i am not good enough to just say “fuck it, whatever makes you happy, makes me happy.”

I wish i understood.

I wish i was a better wife

i wish i didnt make him sad

i wish i could do everything better for him.

I wish he cared as much as i did about the little things.

I love him. im in love with him. im making love to him,

im giving my heart away to him. and he can keep it forever because, he truly deserves it. No matter what he has done.

He deserves all this love. All my broken piece, my scattered brain, my tainted heart. He deserves to be happy and be loved and i just wanna give him a child, that he can love more than he can love me. I just want to give him the REAL family, the AMAZING family that he never had... and i dont think he realizes that.

I love you adrian

... Wish i was good enough for you to just say “okay baby, whatever you want, whatever you need to make YOU happy”

But im not. And i dont know when i will be.

I dont know if the day he “accidentally” gets me pregnant because he knows im not on birth control, and he never pulls out, If he will be happy, or upset.

And i just want him to jump up and down with joy but maybe i have too high of expectations.

Anyways.

Fuck you BPD.

Love you AJZ.