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dear-ao3 · 11 months ago

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unfortunately we are back. i say unfortunately because it is Not a race week. but Some People decided to be silly on the off week so here we are back at it again for australia part 2, electric boogaloo.

today is april 1, 2024 and here is everything in australia that happened after australia ended

were just going to go by team because thats the easiest.

see i Told You All that australia is insane. so insane that people decided to keep being in australia after australia ended.

Red Bull

well first up. max verstappens chief race engineer, lee stevenson, left the team. he had been there for 18 years (and for all of the races that max has won). we dont know what hes doing next but reportedly he is going to be joining "the team at the other end of the pit lane" which probably means someone whos kind of sucking right now (williams or alpine perhaps? idk)

and adrian newey. who was rumored to be going to ferrari is now also rumored to have been approached by aston martin who have reportedly offered him a very very large chunk of change to come design for them (all very plausible when you remember that their ceo is lawrence stroll, canadian billionaire)

there have been no more rumors (at least to my knowledge) that christian horner is going to loose his job. but they did ask sebastian vettel about it.

i probably dont have the Most reliable source on this quote (newsweek) but i didnt feel like finding a better one. reguardless, this is what seb had to say on the ongoing situation:

"Of course, I still know the team, Christian [Horner] and Dr. Marko very well, also from my time there. But it is very difficult for me to have an opinion because you don't know what happened and what didn't happen. I think people would like a bit more transparency in this respect, but I hope with time this will all be clarified. I believe that processes can become visible, provided people dare to take certain steps. I think from the principle that you have nothing to hide, you should not shy away from transparency. This applies to sport in general. I think many viewers would be interested in this. But if the information were accessible, many questions could be answered on their own."

aside from a bonkers amount of weird pr, including a new installment of the Red Bull Unserious Race where checo and max race against yuki and daniel in sand buggies and max and checo testing reaction times against sumo wrestlers, the main thing happening at red bull is that they are Hell Bent on reminding everyone of Everything they have ever accomplished at the japanese gp.

and why would they be doing that?

well they seem to still be pissed about the race last weekend.

we have made red bull upset. this is, as they kids would say, not good.

there have been an endless (and i mean Endless) amount of instagram posts from red bull about every japan gp moment they could seemingly think of and then plus a few more.

since the end of the australia gp they have posted posts with the following instagram captions:

-Max has won 35 times since his DNF in 2022🏆

-All eyes on Japan 👀

-Japan here we come ➡️

-A winning run that has only happened three times in #F1 history 🏆 Two of them are Max 💪

-Last years antics in Japan 🇯🇵😂

-Some standout Suzuka memories 🇯🇵😍

-2014 in 🇯🇵, Max his very first F1 session 🥺

-When the Bulls take a trip to Tokyo 😍🇯🇵

-Japan pending 🇯🇵 comment a 🤩 if you are excited!

-Suzuka helmets hit different 🤍❤️

-An emotional moment 🥹 Suzuka 2022 🇯🇵🔙

-ありがとう ❤️ Any excuse to post more RB16B content 🤍

-Orchestrated chaos 😮‍💨

-Six Time Constructors' Champions 👑 Sealing the title in Suzuka, last year 💪

-That little smile at the end 🥹💋 🔙 Suzuka last year

-We're feeling Suzuka, 2022 🎶😍 The scenes after Max clinched his second Title 👑

-Leading the chasing pack 💪 Back on track next week 🙌

-"Our best achievement, by a long distance!" 😂 When Max and Checo entered the Japanese Game Show realm 🇯🇵🛻

-Japan 2022, where Max became a two-time world champion 🏆

-Counting down the days 🏁🇯🇵 Max at Suzuka last year 📍

now. i know that the teams usually promo the hell out of the races. but this seems to be just a tad excessive to me....

and lastly for red bull is actually something that i very briefly mentioned in the australia update but that was seeing max verstappen being a girl dad

"max has a kid?" you might be asking. well no. not technically. allow me to explain. and i apologize if i have mentioned this before. if i have its been a while.

the year is 2016. the russian gp. max verstappen is in his second year at toro rosso. daniil kvyat is the second red bull driver (first driver being daniel ricciardo) and he has an absolutely shit race. as in, within the space of two corners he managed to crash into sebastian vettel twice, the second time shoving him into the wall. (this was following him basically causing a double ferrari crash at the chinese gp). and well. red bull didnt quite like that. so they flip flopped him and ax verstappen, effective immediately for the spanish grand prix.

"saph" you might be asking "what on earth does this have to do with max being a girl dad?" hold onto your hats and also your horses we are Getting There.

now daniil had a girlfriend named kelly piquet from 2017 to 2019 and right before they broke up they had a daughter together named penelope.

and max, who had already stolen daniils red bull seat, started dating kelly in 2020.

well, that probably wasnt his thought process, but that is what happened.

anyway. max, as we all know, had an....interesting upbringing with his dad and so it has been very amusing to watch him be a girl dad, the small glimpses we get anyway. he has said that he doesnt try to be p's (penelope's) father, but clearly the three of them act as a family.

p often barges into max's streams and talks to him about various things or tries to scare him or whatever. but this past weekend she went to the australian gp. i believe that this was the first time she was at a race (where she wasnt a baby) and it was funny to see max take on the role of girl dad at the paddock:

you know i always underestimate just how long these updates take to write out, i think ive been writing about red bull for at least a hour. lets move on.

Mercedes

well we learned from the australia fan zone interviews that sir lewis hamilton got his dog (roscoe's) sperm frozen before he got "snipped" so that one day he can have a horde of roscoe babies.

look im not happy about learning this either but it was either going at the top or not in here at all. and it deserved a spot.

sir lewis hamilton also did the going undercover answering questions about himself online gq video that most drivers do at some point or other:

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a tldr in case you dont want to watch it, aparently a dog (coco) once shit on his air vent in the middle of the night, he wants to climb mount everest, he wants his legacy to be helping people and he is very passionate about making education accessible and achievable for everyone. so once again, man never looses. unless hes driving a mercedes in the year 2024.

he also did a photoshoot for gq

geode didnt get up to much. he wished everyone a happy easter from a cafe somewhere.

there have been rumors circulating that toto has no intention of actually signing max for 2025 (as has been heavily rumored) and is saying that its a possibility just to fuck with christian horner. as much as i think it would be insane for max to go to merc, i think its even funnier if toto is just plain fucking with christian. their feud is absolutely insane and we really need to see more of it. but considering im already deep diving into other things on this post you'll have to wait until a later update for me to unpack their bonkers relationship (sorry) (very not sorry)

aparently mercedes also is replacing puma and tommy hilfiger with adidas next year as their clothing sponsor. which is not great for one george russell who always looks like hes just walked out of a tommy hilfiger ad.

and katya wants me to tell you all that he found george's old tumblr account from back when he was in the junior leagues. tbh, i dont remember the url but it exists somewhere.

Ferrari

so charles leclerc. the slutty soup can. the poorest little meow meow. hes getting so tired of ferrari's shenanigans that hes now completing side quests.

side quest #1: opening an ice cream shop in milan called LEC. supposedly this is happening mid april. not sure why hes doing this but alas we support his adventures (and we know he likes ice cream after that very frankly confusing photoshoot he did of him waist deep in the snow eating vanilla ice cream over winter break)

(im decently sure his favorite ice cream flavor is also vanilla, which says a lot abut him)

side quest #2: becoming a spokesperson for the united nations wear your seat belt campaign. this one came the day after the ice cream shop announcement and frankly was baffling and somehow more unexpected than the ice cream announcement. he also looks vaguely like someone is holding him at gunpoint

side quest #3: become a representative for bali tourism. after the australia gp he flew to bali for the off week and among other things, got tweeted about by the official bali tousism account

charles also continues his streak of non athleticism by breaking a camera lens with a polaroid:

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and i forgot to mention this in the last update but someone had him sign a pair of lightning McQueen crocs at the australia gp

and what's carlos up to? well he posted the outtake photos of his appendix surgery.

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(also hes wearing not one but two smooth operator bracelets given to him by fans) (aparently hes watching band of brothers according to himself, but he found peoples suggestions entertaining and amusing)

and then he hung out in australia and went biking and wished everyone happy easter from the top of a mountain or perhaps a very large hill

he still does not have a seat, but aparently audi (currently stake) are still interested in him and nico hulkenberg for the 2025 season (they've already been teammates together at Renault (now alpine)) but again, if red bull is looking at carlos, will he go there? likely not

there is a tad bit more on carlos, but we will get to that later

and ferrari did also post a throwback to the japanese gp, but it was to post this, frankly incredibly iconic, throwback video:

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i could not even begin to explain what is going on here if i tried.

and on that note lets move on!

Aston Martin

not too much going on at aston (at least as far as i know. i am only one person after all).

the team spent the entire month of march recognizing their mechanics and up and coming mechanics in f1, which is cool of them.

lance strolls race engineer, ben Michell, left his role to take on head of performance operation

and fernando alonso posted an entire essay on instagram about how he didnt agree with the time penalty that he got for nearly killing george russell. basically he got it for braking on the straight and i dint read the fia decision because i didnt want to, but he got a 20 second time penalty for the maneuver. here was what he (or someone from his pr team, who knows!) had to say:

Double points for the team and a better race pace than the rest of the weekend allowed us to cross the finish line in 6th and 7th place. A bit surprised by a penalty at the end of the race regarding how we should approach the corners or how we should drive the race cars. At no point do we want to do anything wrong at these speeds. I believe that without gravel on that corner, on any other corner in the world we will never be even investigated. In F1, with over 20 years of experience, with epic duels like Imola 2005/2006/ Brazil 2023, changing racing lines, sacrificing entry speed to have good exits from corners is part of the art of motorsport. We never drive at 100% every race lap and every corner, we save fuel, tires, brakes, so being responsible for not making every lap the same is a bit surprising. We have to accept it and think about Japan, to have more pace and fight for positions further up the field. Thank you, team 💚!

Mclaren

oscar piastri shocked the entire world with his slutty little soup can waist. yes, thats right, charles is not the only driver with a slutty little soup can waist.

mclaren posted some videos about the great barrier reef and what they are doing to help preserve it. no one really cared about that too much. they cared about seeing oscar in his wet suit:

and several of you were quick to point out that he has a sluttier and more soup can waist than one charles leclerc. to which i say, perhaps he does, but charles has the sass for being a better soup can.

now this got memed and edited to high hell. people did everything you could imagine and then some with this photo. (including photoshopping landos hands onto oscars waist, which was a choice for sure.) but my favorites were the ones where people photoshopped him into h2o just add water:

(via jessessluttywaist on instagram)

and the oscar v alex albon paddel shaming continues

and then there was also a video of lando circulating from during the australia race where after the drivers parade (?) he was talking to max and nearly walked into the red bull garage:

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A post shared by Lady Némésis ⁴🏎️ Lando Norris 🧡 (@lady_nemesis4)

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and there is more on lando but we will get to that later

Alpine

honestly i have no idea what the hell is going on at alpine. it seems like theyre trying to compensate for the bad car with goofy ass pr?

like hello what is this???

and this??? australia is nt france????

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and they also posted a photo of esteban ocon posing with the visor tear off that got caught in his brakes:

aside from that. pierre went golfing? esteban saw some animals with his girlfriend and took a photo wearing pristine looking seakers on a beach? idk not much to report on from alpine theyre just insane as per the usual.

Haas

i dont think ive heard a word about haas. theyre just kind of existing in quiet chaos. nico signed a picture of valtteris ass. he went to thailand with his wife and kid. kevin failed at bouncing a football. pretty much just seems like theyre riding the high of a double points finish. maybe they have finally uncursed themselves after the great 2018 tire incident. only time will tell!

Williams

logan sergeant went to bali for the week off (like charles), hopefully to relax after the hellish australia race. he accidentally photobombed some girl who was at the same water fall as he was taking photos and then felt bad and took photos for her. she aparently had no idea who he was. and then he liked her photos on instagram.

tbh tho, lets all manifest the shit out of logan this week. carlos came back with a vengeance after his appendix. daniel came back with a vengeance after his wrist. logan needs to come back with a vengeance after losing his car to alex last week.

alex albon went to Thailand on his off week. probably because hes half thai. i hope he had a great time and stops getting hate comments about the car swap in australia because it was definitely not his decision.

Stake F1 Team Kick Sauber

stake continue to be silly and goofy. beginning with their april fools joke that zhou was getting a mullet to match valtteri. they had you click a link in their insta story that lead to this:

they also posted a video of valtteri and zhou scanning into the paddock and these were their photos:

but their social media posting seems to just be a distraction from the fact that they cannot do a good pit stop to save their lives.

aside from that, we learned that valtteri can flip pancakes. or maybe theyre eggs? really can't tell.

Visa Cashapp Racing Bulls

yuki went to go see his ex teammate nyck at the japanese formula e race. (if youre asking who nyck is, he subbed in for alex albon in 2022 when his appendix came out, was signed to alpha tauri in 2023 and then replaced halfway through the season by danny rics) he showed up to the paddock and slayed as usual.

yuki also aparently said this (recently?) when asked about how he feels about f1:

and oscar kind of shit on yuki in his instagram post:

yuki responded by saying "and the oscar goes to... me"

and aparently, liam lawson's team is utterly confused about the danny rics replacing him rumors. so maybe daniel wasnt given an ultimatum? whos to say man everything is bonkers and nothing makes sense at all!!

carlos and lando

i think i briefly mentioned this in the last update but to round this out we gotta talk about carlos and lando.

carlos and lando were teammates at mclaren from 2019-2020. this was relatively early on in their careers. carlos had previously been at toro rosso (with max verstappen) and then Renault, but was replaced by danny rics. he had not had any podium finishes at this point. 2019 was landos first year in f1 and he was coming off the back of a very successful year in f2 (finishing second behind george russell) and he had been mclarens test and reserve driver for 2018. (theres a lot of really funny videos of him helping build and tear down the garage and bring people tea from this era)

both carlos and lando were new to the team that year. their previous drivers were fernando alonso (who "retired" at the end of 2018) and stoffel vandorne, a younger driver who had a shorter stint with the team.

also important to point out: mclaren was deeply in the throws of their shit arc. in 2018 Fernando alonso finished 11th in the drivers championship with 50 points and no podiums. stoffel vandoorne finished in 16th with 12 points and no podiums. to put this in context, mclaren finished in 6th in the constructors standings with a total of 62 points. haas finished in 5th in the constructors with 93 points.

yes that is right. haas.

mclaren was decently in the shit. the last time they had had a solidly halfway decent year was in 2012 when their driver lineup was sir lewis hamilton and jenson button. carlos actually finished ahead of fernando alonso in the drivers championship in 2018 and renault finished 4th in the constructors. so mclaren was a downgrade for carlos. but it would allow for him to be the more experienced driver at the team and assert himself and his talent. and as we know, if you can perform at a shit team, you catch the eyes of bigger teams.

and what does this have to do with carlos and lando? virtually nothing but the backstory is decently important.

also keep in mind. this is what these two looked like back in 2019:

carlos looks virtually the same, as he has pretty much his whole career. lando looks like a child on his way to his first day of school (im pretty sure he was 19 and carlos was 24 (?)) (im also fairly certain the both of them shit on the fact that he looked like a kid about to go to school in the instagram post this was featured in)

reguardless. they were young. trying to drag a shit team up the mid field and back to the podiums. and what better way to do that than through the power of friendship!

i dont think anyone was expecting them to be friends, least of all the mclaren team, who was used to barely scraping their way through the weekend. but alas, they became very good friends.

carlos and lando have both talked about the fact that they used to hang out in each others drivers rooms all the time and you really couldn't fake the energy that the two of them had in videos together.

i can't really unpack their entire relationship on one tumblr post, but i can give you some examples of what they would get up to back in the good old mclaren days:

-clowning eachother on their instagram stories

-that one Christmas video where they get asked what nat king cole song is the most popular or something and carlos goes "maria karay" and when lando realizes he means mariah carey he bursts out laughing

-of course there were also all the times carlos tried to teach lando spanish

-the mclaren milk video (seriously watch it)

-basically every time theyre in a room together they kind of just look at eachother and start laughing

-shit like this:

look theres more but its nearly 2 am and i can't find anything else on Pinterest that makes sense so just take my word for it okay

anyway!

mclaren does a series of videos every year called the unboxed videos which is just like various behind the scenes stuff. but the ones back with carlos and lando were incredibly unhinged. they also did a load of challenge videos back in the day

and they were....insane

like this one

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and now, this is not why mclaren started to be successful again with carlos and lando, but it was definitely part of the reason. sometimes teammates freaking hate eachother. and these two were the exact opposite. they definitely put the team back on the right track and if this were an academic paper i would argue that their friendship really uplifted the team and allowed everyone to be more relaxed and achieve podiums and better points again now that there was a tad less stress. lando was very sad when carlos left for ferrari, i can't find it now but the video of carlos's farewell speech they pan to him and its just deeply upsetting looking. (and as many people point out, it seems that lando tries to keep this same energy going with oscar)

theyre still friends. they go golfing together and are always seen talking to eachother in the paddock. a few weeks ago at some race carlos walked into a press conference late and lando was speaking and fully forgot what he was saying to stare at carlos.

i should have disclaimed this at the top, but i dont ship these two, im just reporting the facts.

and so. this is a very very long winded way of saying that for some unknown reason f1 decided to have carlos and lando do a video together in australia 2024.

and it was. really something.

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i know its blocked on tumblr. please just watch it on youtube. please please please. its the most unhinged thing ive seen.

but alas. that was not the last of carlando for the weekend.

as we know they shared a podium. lando called it romantic. they made a million jokes about how lando should be getting his appendix out as well. well!!!

leading up to the podium, there were a million zillion stairs. carlos walked up these stairs entirely unassisted while holding his helmet and his water and whatever else he was holding.

but! as everyone was quick to point out. when he walked out onto the podium and had to climb up to the top step, he walked closer to lando so that lando could grab his hand and help him onto the podium.

now the perfectly realistic answer here is that carlos had just won a race, was still pretty fresh out of recovery and was likely tired (and also he had just climbed a whole bunch of stairs. the second option is the delusional one and ill let you all fill in the gaps there. reguardless.

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but thats not all.

yeah i know, i can't believe it either.

now lando, as we know, likes to stir the pot.

clearly. based on the above stuff.

and he posted another video to his mov instagram from the australia weekend. it is basically an ad for his dads company, pure electric.

but carlos is there. for virtually no reason at all.

he did not need to be there. he is in fact entirely unrelated to the rest of the video. and yet:

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as several people pointed out, it looks like they woke up together, went on a run and got breakfast together. carlos did confirm the run and the breakfast part, at least that it was on wednesday before the race weekend started.

but look. ive said it before and ill say it again. gotta respect a man that is willing to stir the fucking pot.

and with that. i think were about done with australia. hopefully. please let us be done with australia.

Sorry i tried to scroll past but, i know nothing about f1 other than max verstappen is fast, my dad doesnt like lewis hamilton, fast car goes in a loop and sometimes expodes. Could you give me a crash course in f1 drama? Im very intrigued. Whats the tea as it were?

a terribly loaded question, but i will do my best. i’ve talked about some of the drama before like the red bull second seat and the chronicles of haas but allow me to briefly try my hand at explaining the nightmare that is the upcoming silly season

under the cut we go

silly season is when the drivers go through contract renewals, extensions and switches. usually it’s confined to the first half of the season (march-july) but it has been known to extend all the way to the last race of the season and they like to switch people around at random sometimes. driver contracts are complex, there’s a lot of money involved and basically You Are The Face Of The Team so if you have a shit season then you make the team look bad. but at the same time you could have a shit season because you have a shit car. it’s sticky stuff.

so. there are only twenty seats in formula 1. 10 teams. each team gets two drivers. (there’s also reserve drivers but we’re not going to get into that). who ends up with a contract is largely up to the teams, they can pull the contract out from under people they can also cut you mid season. they’ve done it before.

of the 20 drivers on the grid, 14 of them have contracts expiring at the end of the year. yes. 14. you see how this could get complicated.

so let’s meet the teams.

red bull racing. they came first this year (and last year) in the championship. like aggressively first. like they won the championship by over 350 points. they are definitely the team to beat. but if you end up with a seat at red bull, you do have to deal with max verstappen being your teammate and he won all but three of the races last year. he’s the golden boy. red bull are also notoriously silly when it comes to contracts and famously swap people mid season who aren’t performing.

mercedes. merc is home to 7 time world champion lewis hamilton and they have won the championship a great many times, though not since 2021. they are kind of in their flop arc and their car the last 2 years has been pretty garbage, but they have still made it work because they were able to come in second last year.

ferrari. god help the poor little meow meows with a ferrari contract. ferrari is a notoriously great team and they’re trying to get back to the top again but their strategy every single time has fallen short. to the point where their drivers are the ones doing the strategy in their cars while driving. they came in third last year and have been decently consistent at getting first in qualifying and then getting beat by max verstappen on race day.

mclaren. they’ve definitely worked their way up over recent years. they ended fourth last year and have had some championship wins before but not nearly as many as say merc and ferrari. their team ceo (owner? director?) is a little interesting and their car started out a pile of flaming hot garbage at the beginning of the year but they did manage to get their shit together.

aston martin. they are owned by canadian billionaire lawrence stroll, father of lance stroll (one of the drivers for the team). they’ve undergone several name changes over the recent years (force india, racing point, etc). they positively slayed at the start of the season and then one day they sucked. they finished fifth in the championship.

alpine. the frenchest french team. they’re (i think?) still partially owned by the french government. both of their drivers are french. (their drivers also hate eachother but we’ll get to that. just know they’re in the middle of a modern french civil war). they had the opportunity to have a good rookie driver (oscar piastri) this past year but in a thrilling twitter battle, he publically flamed the shit out of them and went to mclaren instead (and slayed). they're usually solidly middle of the pack. they ended sixth in the championship.

williams. williams has been one of the back of the grid teams for the last many years but they have finally started to get their shit together and don’t quite suck as much as they used to. all of the points this year were scored by only one driver though (except one but we’ll get there). they came in seventh.

alpha tauri. they are the sister team of red bull. so technically redbull owns both teams (meaning they can swap drivers between teams. they like doing this.) they’ve just kind of been There for awhile but they did slay towards the end of the season when one of their drivers led the race for several laps. basically tho, this team is the gateway to redbull. they came in eighth.

alpha romeo. recently renamed to stake f1 team (but sometimes they are going to be called kick sauber. this is a whole other drama post and i’m not getting into it). they’re also just kind of there. generally unproblematic. seems that really great drivers who get ixed out of a contract for a younger driver end up here or young drivers who are in their early years are here before they go to a better team. they ended ninth this year.

haas. oh haas. goofy team. they suck. point blank they suck. they keep loosing sponsors because they suck, they don’t win ever (one time they came first in qualifying last year). they cursed themselves in australia in 2018 by not tightening their tires and its been downhill ever since. they came 10th. their team principle got let go (fired?) who’s to say today.

so those are the teams. it is important to note that:

-there is a cost cap. each team is allowed to spend no more than 135m per year.

-not all cars are equal. some things are standard. they all undergo the same testing. but the cars are all very different. so you can be a good driver but stuck in a shitty car. which makes it impressive if you are doing well in a shitty car.

let’s meet our drivers!!!

starting with the guys who’s contract is not ending in 2024:

max verstappen. 3 time world champion. 26 years old. general beast on the track. he dominated the whole season. he’s currently racing for red bull and has a contract with them through 2028.

lewis hamilton. 7 time world champion. 39 years old. he drives for mercedes. he will not leave mercedes until he retires. he really really wants to win an 8th world championship and is willing to stick it out a few more years as long as merc still believes in him. his contract expires in 2025.

george russell. the other merc driver. 26 years old. hes aggressively british and says thinks like blimey unironically. walking meme. got his merc seat in 2022 right when they entered their flop arc by getting his tractor of a williams to finish second in qualifying in the middle of a rainstorm. his contract expires in 2025.

lando norris. mclaren driver. 24 years old. he has notably never won a race in his five years of formula one (mostly because right when his car finally was good enough max verstappen was 20 seconds ahead of anyone) but he is regarded as Very Good. he has only ever driven for mclaren. and even though there is another year left on his contract there is mass speculation that he will not renew his contract with mclaren after it expires and he may move up to one of the top teams (red bull, merc, ferrari) (tho i think he doesnt hate himself quite enough to go to ferrari). his contract expires in 2025.

oscar piastri. the other mclaren driver. 22 years old. this was his rookie season and he positively slayed. like people compared his rookie season to lewis hamiltons rookie season. he also had the positively funniest start to his rookie year because alpine announced that he would be driving for them (he had been their reserve driver and in the alpine academy) and he posted a tweet that basically said yeah thats false i never singed anything with you and im going to race with mclaren instead (he dodged a bullet) and then alpine tried and failed to sue him for $4m USD. he signed a contract extension with mclaren this year and his contract expires in 2026.

lance stroll. aston martin driver and son of the aston martin owner. hes doing ok, tho there was conspiracy that he wanted to quit and have a tennis career awhile ago. but basically since his dad owns the team it seems that hes guaranteed a seat for as long as he wants one.

so now. moving onto the good shit. the people who have contracts expiring in 2024. hold onto your hats people.

charles leclerc. (everyones favorite slutty little soup can). 26 years old. he is currently at ferrari and he has been since 2019. notably, he was given the longest contract in the history of ferrari after a stellar rookie season at sauber (renamed to alpha romeo, renamed to stake f1) where he got the tractor of a car consistently into the points. having the longest contract in the history of ferrari was a flex at the time, but now its likely how he will introduce himself at therapy sessions. ferrari have fucked this man left right and center up the ass with a plastic lunchroom spork. hes talented, he can drive, and he can drive well. but the strategy that ferrari has absolutely sucks. either something is wrong with the car (see him blowing out his gear box on the formation lap in monaco, his car completely crapping out and spinning into the barrier in brazil before the race even started) or they fuck up his pit stops or put him on the wrong tires and honestly its just frustrating. but will he leave??? likely not. you'd have to pry ferrari out of his cold dead hands and at this rate that might be where this is headed though there has been some minor speculation of him going to another team like merc or red bull, but merc doesnt have any open seats and red bull is a whole other dumpster fire of drama. ferrari are going to have to pay him a boatload of money to make him stay.

carlos sainz. the smooth operator. 29 years old. ferrari driver. previously carlos was at toro rosso (renamed to alpha tauri), renault (renamed to alpine), and mclaren before signing with ferrari. he has been at ferrari since 2021 and has voiced that he would like to stay with them for however long he can. there is speculation that lando might replace him at ferrari (but landos contract is not up until 2025) and there is also some speculation that alex albon might replace him. while charles is clearly the golden boy at ferrari, carlos is slightly slower but also definitely consistent. he was THE ONLY non red bull driver to win a race this past year, in Singapore after max verstappedn was knocked out of qualifying by alpha tauri reserve driver liam lawson (more on him later) and because he basically came up with his own strategy in the car while he was driving.

sergio perez. aka checo. red bull driver. 33 years old. and oh boy here's where we open the can of worms. checo was previously at racing point (renamed aston martin) and it was very near the end of the 2020 (?) season and he was out of a contract. he had a bonkers race where he was knocked to the back of the grid and then overtook everyone and somehow ended up winning (there is more to that story but just trust me) and christian horner, red bull team principle, mr ginger spice and definite disney villain called him and said congrats sir you have a seat at red bull! well. fast forward. hes been causing problems. problems as in crashing a lot, generally not doing great and pissing the crap out of red bull. it is basically guaranteed at this point that he will not be getting a contract extension. there was actually talk this year of him losing his seat mid season to one of the alpha tauri drivers, because remember, red bull owns both teams and they can switch them whenever they want to (and they have!) but ultimately this did not happen. even though checo has a seat at red bull until the end of 2024, its mass speculated that he is going to get switched with an alpha tauri driver, probably daniel ricciardo (more on him shortly) mid season because there is a speculated clause in daniels contract that says that if checo isn't performing well in the first few races daniel is getting his seat.

daniel ricciardo. 34 years old. alpha tauri driver. man oh man what a guy. outside of being the prankster of the paddock, he has one of the most batshit careers of anyone currently on the grid. he started out at red bull and was showing real talent and skill and was on track to win things (and was!) and was there until the end of 2018 when max verstappen (his teammate) started getting preferential treatment and also red bull started having a lot of problems with their engines (which were being outsourced from Renault (now alpine) and another team on the grid) and well very very long story short he made the surprise move of the century and decided to sign with Renault (which makes no sense they're the one with the engine problems) and was there for 2 years before moving again to mclaren where he was reportedly not treated very well and had a hard time driving the car so they mutually ended his contract with them early and he basically retired at the end of the 2022 season and became a red bull reserve driver. then halfway through the 2023 season alpha tauri ixed one of their drivers, nyck de vries, because he wasnt doing well and promoted daniel back up to a full time driver at alpha tauri (which we know is only a step down from red bull) but then he broke his hand in a crash in zanvort (?) and then he was replaced for a few races by formula 2 driver liam lawson (who we will also talk about) and then he came back to finish out the season in alpha tauri after he was cleared. daniel has admitted openly that he never should have left red bull and he was given bad advice to do so. hes towards the end of his career at this point and its well known that he Really Really wants to finish out his career at red bull again. he and max have already been teammates before and they do work well together and daniel is great driver (see his comeback in texas (or maybe it was brazil?) this year). so. Pretty Sure that daniels going to get either an extension at alpha tauri or go up to red bull. thats what we all want. get this man in a red bull we need him there biblically.

liam lawson. now technically liam is not actually a formula 1 driver. hes a formula 2 driver, but he was daniels replacement for five races and there has been some speculation and some confirmed news about him so hes getting included. when he was racing for f1 he was at alpha tauri. hes 21 and looks like he belongs in the movie grease. no one was expecting him to slay in formula 1 and he positively knocked everyones socks off. the scene: Singapore. which, if you'll recall, is the one race that a not red bull driver won. this was largely because liam lawson slayed the absolute game in qualifying. the qualifying part of racing determines what order the cars start in on the grid for the race and theres three parts, the first two parts the bottom 5 drivers each time get knocked out and then the top 10 complete for the last 10 spots. liam lawson knocked BOTH max verstappen and checo perez out of qualifying in the second round by going very slightly faster than them, effectively fucking up red bulls race and allowing carlos to win. and he also scored points in that race, which no one was expecting. now thats all fine and dandy, but here's the speculation: hemlut marko (im pretty sure) (who is somehow decently involved in the decision making at red bull though i couldn't tell you how) said that he thinks that liam lawson will be in an f1 seat no later than 2025. meaning that he will probably get offered a contract this year. and hes already raced for alpha tauri. red bull have sunk a good amount of money into him. they clearly want him. so if he gets offered an alpha tauri seat in 2025, that means theres a good chance danny rics is going to red bull. do you SEE how the plot here is THICKENED

yuki tsunoda. age 23. currently at alpha tauri. and fun fact, the only alpha tauri driver to race there the whole year. he had three separate team mates. he is slaying and hes often slept on. he has a bit of a temper and likes to shout on the radio and also hates working out (they had to force him to move to italy or something to work out, long story) but hes been kinda killing it. he led several laps in the abu dhabi race this year and hes decently consistent. people think theres possibility that he could get moved up to red bull on account of the fact that he is younger than daniel and clearly has more years in him,, but there is also possibility that he might not because red bull like to make stupid decisions. and if he doesnt get moved up to rebel, will he stay with alpha tauri? we don't know.

alex albon. age 27. currently a williams driver. alex albon is another one with a batshit career. he started out his rookie year in 2019 at alpha tauri then got moved up to red bull halfway through the year when red bull decided that pierre gasley wasnt doing a good enough job (more on him later) and stayed with red bull for a solid year and a half until he lost his seat in 2021 to checo. he has been with williams for the last two years and is basically carrying the team. like. williams as a team scored 28 points this year. and alex albon scored 27 of those 28 points. and as we know, williams is still kind of in their shit arc (though they are doing much better. they didnt score any points for a solid 2 (?) years. so this is an improvement.) and if you can get a shit car to perform you catch the eye of bigger teams. now, alex has already been a red bull driver. and he was on the cusp of podiuming two separate times when lewis hamilton ran into him. this (among a few other things) basically killed his chances at getting resigned at red bull because he wasnt ""performing"" and red bull are bitches who love to win. but some people think that red bull should give him another shot. like daniel, hes already been max's teammate and he can definitely drive. but theres also talk he might go to ferrari because ferrari think that he might compliment charles's driving style (or something). but going to ferrari at this point is kind of suicide. so.

logan sergeant. age 23. the only american on the grid. the other williams driver. he just finished his rookie year. he scored a grand total of one single point this season, in texas, and it was because charles leclerc and lewis hamilton both got disqualified because the floor of their car had more wear (by literally less than millimeters) than it was allowed to, bumping him up from 12th to 10th. he has never done better than alex albon. he was also the very last driver to get a contract for 2024, with williams waiting until i think december of 2023 to announce his contract extension. clearly, hes on thin ice. but people have also said that he needs time to get used to formula 1 (other people have pointed out that oscar piastri slayed his rookie season this year and this statement about needing time is largely false). where logan ends up next year though will largely depend on how well the 2024 season goes for him.

fernando alonso. 42 years old. many people like to point out that oscar piastri is actually younger than fernando's racing career. he won tiktok creator of the year (somehow) and is also a 2 time world champion. he retired a few years ago, just to show back up again and slay. during the first half of the season when aston martin had a zoom zoom car he killed it, and then they had problems on top of problems and he didnt do well. except for that one race in brazil where he came in third, beating checo by literally .05 seconds. he hasn't really made any hints about retiring a second time and he is kind of carrying aston Martin right now (he scored 205 points this season, coming in 4th and tying in points with charles leclerc, lance stroll only scored 74 points this year.) and they did have their best year yet this year. (though they are relatively new).

pierre gasley. 27 years old. french. drives for alpine. the french team. previously he raced with toro rosso (now alpha tauri), then got promoted to a red bull driver in 2019, then halfway through the season they decided he wasnt doing a good enough job and he got demoted back down to alpha tauri. then he won a race with alpha tauri just to stick it to red bull. after the great oscar piastri contract twitter war, he was signed as alpines second driver, with Esteban ocon being the other driver (more on him soon). estie bestie and pierre (both french) were childhood friends and now hate each other for unknown reasons and basically feuded on the track for most of the season. french civil war at alpine. he scored 62 points in 2023 and came in 11th. not really sure where he will end up, it is possible that he will stick it out at alpine.

esteban ocon. 27 years old. also french. currently driving for alpine. another one with a silly bonkers career. he started out at force india and had a baller few seasons there but his teammate at the time was checo, and checo didnt really cooperate with him too much and caused some drama that cost estie bestie some places and some points. max verstappen also beat him up in the garage once. thats not really relevant but it did happen. anyway, after the owner of force india was arrested for .... i don't remember what maybe it was embezzlement or bankruptcy or something money related, the team was backed by lawrence stroll and became racing point. but all of that happened mid season and lawrence was basically like look ill back you guys for now but next year my son gets a seat (lance) so one of you two (checo and estie bestie) have to go. and ultimately they let estie bestie go even though he was more consistent because checo had more sponsors and they needed money. so he was out of formula 1 for a few years (but was a merc reserve driver) and then went to Renault, which then became alpine. he did come in 12th though overall this season, just behind pierre. so. will alpine keep both him and pierre and keep the civil war going? whos to say.

nico hulkenberg. 36 years old. haas driver. in his 200+ f1 races he has never been on the podium and he really really wants to be on the podium. unfortunately this will never happen in a haas because haas fucking sucks. and everyone knows it. he is getting towards the end of his career though. though! stake f1 will become the mario Andretti and audi team in 2026 (don't question it) and they have supposedly voiced interest in nico. so we will see if he hangs on that long to end up at audi. for now tough, hes definitely hating it at haas. though, haas are going to have a different team principle next year so maybe that will change things. i have a sneaky feeling through that haas will probably end up with another 2 rookie drivers because everyone else is smart enough to not race for them.

kevin magnussen. 31 years old. haas driver. hes another deeply interesting character. he has had one podium. in his rookie season. in his first race. and none since. kevin started at haas in 2017 and then left at then end of 2020 when he basically got kicked off because the team needed money and they wanted to bring in drivers with more sponsorships. these drivers were mick schumacher and nikita mazepin. so kevin basically was forced to retire after the 2020 season. this went decently well for haas. until russia invaded ukraine right before the start of the 2022 season and, well, nikita was Russian and it was never distinctly proven that his dads company (who was sponsoring the team) wasnt also funding the invasion. so nikita got fired and they were literally like 2 weeks out from the start of the season, down a driver. who are you gonna call? kevin magnussen! and hes been back ever since. but hes clearly getting annoyed with haas. there was one great clip from this year where his car caught on fire and he kind of just stared into to, clearly hoping it would burn for a long time. so the likelihood of him extending his contract is looking slim.

valtteri bottas. 34 years old. currently a driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo, kick sauber, whatever you wanna call it). previously, he was a mercedes driver and notoriously helped lewis hamilton win a great many championships, until he lost his seat to george russell in 2022. there was a rather awkward part of the 2021 season where valtteri knew that he was out of a merc seat the following year and kind of just chose violence. he slayed. then he went to alpha romeo, grew a mullet and made a calendar of his ass. quite the glow up if you ask me. hes also very interested in cycling. honestly though, i have my own personal speculation that hes going to retire at the end of this year.

zhou guanyu. 24 years old. driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo/kick sauber, etc etc). hes doing alright. he just finished his second season, in his first season he was majorly out qualified by valtteri but this past season he managed to out qualify him a good 6 times. which is decently good for the tractor of a car hes driving. its possible that he could get a contract extension, but like logan, its probably going to depend on how the 2024 season goes for him.

and thats all the drivers. theres also a few others i didnt talk about, like some other f2 drivers who want seats and mick schumacher, who is currently a merc reserve driver, all of which could be contenders for f1 seats. but one things for sure. this is going to be the silliest fucking silly season.

feel free to add on and peer review me

#not a tag #from saph #saph explains silly season 2024 #f1 #whew #7 hours later and were done!#once again i hope you enjoyed #its 2 am im going the hell to sleep goodnight everyone #Youtube #Instagram

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