#and thats all the ones i care a lot abt
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SCREAMING CRYING LAUGHING YAYAYAYAYYAYAY
MACARONI AND CHEDDAR ARE BACK AND THEYRE TALKING TO ALMOND
The new cookies look so cute
I cant wait for this update :]
#cookie run#cookie run kingdom#mont blanc cookie#macaroni cookie#cheddar cheese cookie#almond cookie#kouign amann cookie#prune juice cookie#candy diver cookie#and thats all the ones i care a lot abt#im very glad spring break started bc now i can play crk the whole day#en stuff#edit:#think i got two names down#saint honore cookie#sea urchin cookie#<-from leaks#edit: GOT THEIR ACTUAL NAMES#caramel choux cookie#and also#street urchin cookie
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i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,
if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."
i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,
i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason
#crazy that the mindset some people on here have is that theyre the only ones allowed to post their opinions#ive repeated this a lot on this blog but i rlly think people forget that the person on the other side of the screen is in fact a person#if ur harassing people and publicly making fun of them then ur just as bad as any real life bully#that shit isnt as funny or harmless as u like to pretend it is#not once have i ever targetted anyone or went on someones blog to harass them over my opinion#yet people think its fine to do the same to me and treat it as if its like. revenge or something#like ? me saying 'i dont like toxic yaoi' is not equivalent to someone going on someone elses page and going 'how tf do u like toxic yaoi'#I DONT CARE !! all ive ever done is sit in my own little bubble and had opinions and that makes people mad#honestly though the people who will publicly talk and post abt it are significantly meaner#and i want to act like im not bothered by it because i know most of them r just angry that someone has a different opinion#and they want all their followers to bandwagon off of them (idk why maybe for validation or whatever-same reasons anyone would bully)#but seriously if u actually do think that something i said was out of line and crossed thise boundaries- just fucking tell me ?#im a person bro. ur solution to disagreeing with me shouldnt be 'lol im gonna post abt this and make everyone harass them'#have a conversation with me dude i dont bite ? if u cant talk to me like a person then just dont fucking say anything wtf#its so cowardly to be like 'well no i didnt wanna say anything to u cuz i didnt wanna be rude.. so instead i publicly made fun of u!'#LIKE WHATTTT STOPPPPP </3333#ok anyway this post wasnt supposed to get THAT serious.#MY POINT IS just be considerate of other people and dont base ur hatred off of assumptions#ur deflecting the blame onto someone else because u dont want to admit that ur just a fucking bully lol#being inconsiderate on here is something ive also been guilty of back when i first joined the fandom and was clueless#but grown ass adults who have been on here way longer r still doing that shit which is crazy#and i cant say anything because they have so much leverage over me and idk if its on purpose or if they dont even realize#ok im putting fandom tags cuz i want people to see this sorry. this is my one post thats actually targetted but its at a lot of people#so if u look at this and think 'hey i do that' pls evaluate urself<3#i mean its also targetted at everyone who does this anonomously so i dont know who it is OKOK IM DONE BYE SORRY HOPE THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE#watch nobody read this fr#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#meows post
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[Image ID: Inked digital drawing of Digimon character Justimon. Justimon is a humanoid with a heavily Tokusatsu superhero inspired design- wearing a bodysuit with multiple different armoured parts particularly around their left shoulder, elbow and wrist, ankles, knees and chest and abdomen area as well as rivets dotted around their body. They have a belt with a large circular belt buckle spiked at four corners in the middle, as well as a very long scarf. They have a metal helmet on with no facial features, and four metal antenna- two longer ones that are sticking up and two shorter ones sticking down at each ear area respectively. Their right arm- a redesign of the accel arm- is much longer and bigger, with sharp claws at the end of it. It is very mechanical looking, with tubing and more rivet and gear motifs, their right shoulderpad having a blunt spike coming up from the middle. They are in a mid action pose, as if they were jumping or running, looking to the side with their head slightly lowered, their left arm bent closer towards their body whilst the right arm is fully outstretched. There are dark patches of shadow around certain parts of their body and scarf as well as small action lines. /End Image ID]
His strange fighting pose
#digimon#justimon#digital monsters#digimon fanart#dinu yells into the void#dinu yells in the void#dinu's sketchy art#digimon tamers#if literally any one person understands the like band reference im making with the like post caption ill.#idk ill get you lunch or something#WITHOUT LOOKING IT UP BEFOREHAND ill know#anyways i like justimon a lot.#hate ryo more then literally anything godbless but i LOVE justimon generally#its one of my top 5 digimon of all time tbh#rabbit coded ass digimon with those big ol metal antenna#i will say though. i like the different arm concept. but i dont like the execution#so that is yeah an attempt to redesign the accel arm#i LIKE the blitz arm the blitz arm is cool#but the accel + critical arm like. clash too much if you look at it as a whole.#like i dont think they match thematically with both the blitz arm and just justimons overall design#too like. i suppose mechanical and ‘crust punk’ y instead of very sleek and streamlined#thats a giant tangent i think only i care about this that much 😭 lol#but yeah. justimon. i liek them#technically this counts for digi ocs too but. god knows if ill ever talk abt them in depth here
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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
#metalocalypse#jay talkin#I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level#for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda#changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is#don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men#his transness wouldnt change that#only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band#is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had#he becomes more caring more supportive#it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind#and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences#i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways#to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it#so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine#i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt#but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues#and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does#again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol#AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans#do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model#I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA
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The prevailing belief of many ASTV viewers seems to be that Miguel O'Hara is an actual, literal vampire. Do you think this funny.
Nope! <3 it shows such a lack of willingness to do even Basic Research that would take maybe two seconds to look up that it makes me want to Kill. like. cmon. he has Fangs because he's half-spider...,,.,
They're hollow, and whenever he Bites People, it is specifically with the intent to POISON them with the VENOM from his FANGS-- he also Says That every time he does it, like he's an anime character, lol, and it means a lot to me. we don't know the exact makeup or potency of his venom, but we Do know that it's fast-acting, paralytic, and (apparently, thankfully) non-toxic, at least.
#talking tag#asks#spider-man 2099#spiderman 2099#atsv#across the spiderverse#spider-man: across the spider-verse#but like. honestly ive Never liked ppl calling him a vampire LOL ppl alREADY didnt know anything abt 2099 as it was Before ATSV came out y/#and then ATSV comes out nd its portrayal of My Blorbo for whom my foolish fool self would & Will go 2 bat for Debunking Disinformation abt-#--is Canon Accurate in its characterization of him even if in general i think it's pretty Thematically Weird 2 have chosen Mig Specifically#--for the role that they put him in just specifically because. like. the themes of SM2099 kind of actively go against All Of That Stuff?#but. whatever. dbsdkvbdvjbsk it's not a Dealbreaker 4 me i Understand quite intimately that literally nobody cares abt analyzing 2099 LOL.#and i am just a nitpicky esoteric autistic Bitch with Very Strong Opinions or w/e#anyways they made lots of Funney Jokes. tho i dont dig how often mig was Called Unfunny because he Is Funny hes just autistic nd quiet#mig Is Funny he just doesnt make quips as a nervous reaction or to distract villains when he is wearing the costume.#like the Whole Point of his spider-man is that hes Supposed to b Weird And Different from other Spiders thats literally what he was made 4#zigging where lee & ditko zagged. He Was Designed That Way On Purpose That Is Why He Is So Interesting He Is ACTUALLY DIFFERENT#Christ almighty one more person acts like he wasnt nothin before this film as if he aint existed for 30 years with an established history.#feel like i m just gonna start freakign Killing
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I actually find gender swapping characters really interesting (what part of their expression is dictated by gender norms vs certain events in their life vs their personal preferences that wouldn't change either way, etc.) so now I wanna draw what that would look like in my ocs except I am in pain rn so I'm forced to just lie there and be plagued by visions
#ok but#the thing with north is that when he ran away he cut off his hair and started wearing masculine clothing to hide his identity and went “wait#this actually feels right wtf“#but i dont think he really did anything with his appearance prior to that. he kinda was just existing not really thinking about himself#he was really only focused on protecting and caring for saffron#so a gender swapped version wouldnt be much different pre-running away#not bothering about cutting hair + the cultists' robes look very similar in both feminine and masculine versions#so fem north would still have short hair to make her appearance less recognizable#just would wear dresses and stuff#saffron though. i think she presents herself more in accordance with gender norms#so gender swapped saffron would always have short hair + more masculine looking clothing#but i think her mannerisms and behavior would stay the same. also her general frame#like yes she in part dresses and looks this way because thats whats expected of her + thats how she was raised by The Lady but a lot of it#esp in terms of her personality is Just Her. this would stay the same#warren doesnt give a shit. he doesnt have much gender to begin with. no gender only swag#so he would look almost exactly the same just with less facial hair probably#The Lady would very much be different. like instead of graceful threatening elegant old-ish woman with Big Hair and Big Dress#shed have short hair same level of elegance but masculine clothes probably facial hair too. like one of them small sharp beards yk#the restaurant owner (still dont have a name for her) wouldnt change almost at all as well. shes very much function/comfort over style#her clothes are already masculine n she has short hair both for convenience#shed straight up look the same just with a stubble or smth#there are a couple other characters in this story i have thoughts on but i havent introduced/developed them properly yet#pjsk ocs though ! ive been thinking abt them again#matsu is pretty feminine and it does play a role in a “part of why ppl think hes weird” kinda way#so as a girl hed be more masc presenting#i dont think fumi would really change at all. she also dresses mainly for convenience but i do think she does have a little regard for#for gender norms. but like. barely any. so maximum changes would be those ponytail parts of her hair getting like. a tiny bit shorter#toshiro would stay the EXACT same. he does his own thing#seina dresses that way bc shes expected to but also thats just genuinely how she is. so swapped shed still have longer hair n feminine#demeanor but wear pants or smth. im hitting tag limit help. cries
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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imagine if instead of having vic mignogna keldeo, we got an iris movie about her relationship with kyurem
#yknow the sinnoh movies also sorta have this issue but i think ik why the unova and kalos movies feel so weird#theyre not character movies#they dont focus on the relationships between the characters or their goals. and if they sorta do its all ash focused but loosely#volcanion did sorta come close through making ash at risk for most of the movie#but even then. idk theres not a lot there for ash as a character if that makes sense#like remember max got a movie with jirachi and may kinda got one with manaphy and lucario was focused#on ash and pikachu’s relationship#heroes was also focused on ash’s strengths as a character and his relationship with the latis was really important#and not all the og movies were like that#like the original wasnt really a character movie for the os trio. but we still frequently got them#and then after sinnoh. its just ‘’let the mythical wiggle at the screen for a bit to promote the games’’#and ik everyone has complained abt this but its so blatant in the keldeo movie especially bc that movie completely breaks the lore to make i#it work#for the sake of just. getting the movie done i guess idk#and its so distracting for kyurem bc the whole point of the alternate forms is that theyre fusions and kyurems trying to make itself whole#nah nope kyurem is just a scary ice monster who does that normally amd theyre just normal changes and not fusions bc thats too complicated#what do you mean we couldve done something legitimately really interesting here with one of the main characters. who cares we gotta get this#out on time#actually i do think some of it probably boils down to deadlines and the movies being an obligation really#tbf the beginning stuff with keldeo was cool. i thought so anyways#but then ash and co get there and its just forgettable#echoed voice
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very importrant oc diagram
more in depth descriptions of this stuff below ig
omg same trauma - sympathy and respect but also acknowledging youre not the same. propably the most normal out of the three options. you know very intimate stuff about this person but you have never met and its weird. you live your life normally but sometimes you wonder what it would be like to meet him
i will never be as cool - constantly comparing yourself to him to the point a big chunk of your personality still revolves around your connection to him (in ryous case this is mixed with seeing shiro as a sort of idealised perfect father figure despite never having interacted with the guy before)(its really weird and he tries to be secretive abt it but the others knows anyway)(like kiddo they can tell)(youre not subtle at all). he is soooo good and so pure and perfect and you will never live up to that no matter how hard you try. there must be something wrong with you
gender dysphoria - what it says on the tin. you have this guys memories and voice and body and face and it makes you want to scream and cry and kill him and bury his body in the woods so nobody can ever find it
(also to clear things up this diagram and the explanations are written from a point in the timeline before the whole 'stickbug gets mind controlled' thing so the clones havent met shiro yet)(also also obv this is pretty simplified)
#my funky guys#webbys flavor of parasocial relationship w shiro also includes her seeing him as a sorta father but in her case hes a deadbeat dad she hate#she wants nothing to do with him she hates him she was him once she looks far too much like him for her own comfort#logically she knows its not his fault. or hers. but god it hurts. it hurts to see his face everywhere. to be constantly reminded of who she#was supposed to be.#she doesnt want to have a relationship w him or even yell at him or have anything to do w him. she just wants to live her life in peace#i think she often jokes about punching him or wishing he dies already but really all she wants is to be left alone.#she is sure if they ever meet that hed see her as an abomination. and also she doesnt really care if he does? just the consequences of that#its like. she doesnt really care abt what he would think of her as much as she is worried about the effect his existence has on her.#she doesnt care about shiro as a person she cares about him as a threat to her life and personhood.#also shes like 18. still very much figuring stuff out. she gets better but i dont think she ever develops any sort of meaningful relationsh#relationship w him bc she just does not want to! and thats okay!! and shiro respects that!#thinking abt how the clones percieve shiro is so funny bc hes a very relevant public figure and a celebrity#but they have a LOT of very personal knowledge abt him. so the levels of parasocial relationship going on there are INSANE#its like having very weird one sided beef with an influencer and also knowing all of his deepest fears and desires and traumas
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danny talking about how resentful she became when nobody who she self-sacrificed for cared when she died and then leaving kirsch with laura and carmilla bc "if he stays with me i might lose control again and kill him" kinda confirms my thoughts abt both newly-turnedness and anger making vampires more vampiry
but also makes me think that in more usual circumstances, when the dean turned vampires like carmilla and mattie, that shes really nice at the start to temper any of that unruly anger
#we dont have a lot of info on her usual mo i guess but im thinking a lot abt how it mustve gone with carmilla#i dont know if she was a special case or if this is usually generally how it goes#i suppose you dont necessarily need a lot of new ones do you. if youve got one vampire seductress in working condition#mattie had her role on the board#danny was just for end of the world purposes i think. opportunistic turning. to replace will perhaps#but im thinking abt how at first the dean and carmilla were kinda close. and i have no illusions abt what that meant for the dean like#im sure it was just to control carmilla. play into what she needed to ensure centuries of loyalty. and that kinda worked until elle#and looking at mattie i expect most of them will eventually start rebelling so i wouldnt be surprised if she did smth similar with mattieto#just 1000 years earlier. and at our point in the story mattie is doing strained coexistence with her right?#carmilla is well in mattie's view rocking the boat once again for a cute girl#thats so funny oh my god. iconic. take the first lesbian predator archetype character and make it so that she keeps#rebelling against the evil BECAUSE shes so gay#like literally thats her entire motivation 'of course i was just doing it for you' oh my godddd hfkjhgjhghj ICONIC#i love her so much i love her soooo much#what was i talking about. oh yeah so i think the dean in usual circumstances is very nice at first and spoils her new vampires#to foster allegiance#god carmilla must just have been so happy to have someone care about her and be nice to her i think#every thought i have abt 18 yo carmilla is so sad#but i can imagine those early years/decades of her and the dean travelling around. mattie there too maybe not all the time#but enough time. mattie there too specifically also to make carmilla feel wanted and make friendship so she wouldnt rebel#to guide her through her young vampire years probably! damn yeah i bet that was mattie who taught her all the tricks#mother isnt a vampire and i dont see her really caring. i think mattie probably taught carmilla the do's and don'ts of vampiredom#and they had fun! they had fun with it. they had cruel fun being vampires together. i think carmilla was just happy to belong#maybe mattie was happy to have a friend too idk if she had many. not many vampire friends anyway. she seems to have fun being a sister#anyway. just thinking aloud#carmillaposting
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#im so sorry lmfao with these#i had to make higher quality ones oh my good look at them they are SO DISGUSTING#look at the way they look at each other. thats so fucked up#theyre literally committing terroristic acts and this is how they interact i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this show#there is definitely something to be said abt londos body language when he gets nervous#because he does the same kind of thing to morden and cartagia#and unfortunately i just find it really endearing#its like he over compensates and tries to be over friendly or over pleasing to the other#the touching the gazes hes trying to make himself trustworthy yet vulnerable enough to either#dodge accountability or kind of go belly up at them. especially cartagia#with refa here hes peacocking. trying to assure refa that its all in londos control and he'll take care of it and that hes confident#he peacocks his power a lot with refa at the start#he wants to prove himself but its obvious refas plans start to become too much for him#londo#refa
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i am still playing around with lighting lol. its also been a minute since i drew a guy covered in blood so i gotta filling my quota
trying to find jewelry in skyrim that doesnt suck is hard let alone atmoran stuff. all i can find is armor. bethesda is killing my archaeologist ass only ever showing armor and weapons and the most basic implications of agriculture. i am dying here to see more every day clothes, how fabric is made, and more jewelry variations esp through time. so i just made up my own torc inspired by what i see in atmoran armor with the dragon heads along w some arm bands
#alduin#skyrim#the elder scrolls#all elder scrolls lore is it is seems is gods existing and battles that happened#occasionally we will get interesting folk tales and myths that i think say a lot abt the culture#but would it kill you to show me the fucking sheep in skyrim i know they have more than goats#where else are they getting all the wool from????#theyre from a cold climate with a limited growing season ofc they have sheep#im literally begging for whiterun to feel more like a trading up too while we're at it#whatever no one cares brave just draw your dragon men covered in blood thats what this post is about#my art
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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wont ever find it again but that one text post abt being able to tell when a fictional character was Made For You and being so aware of it that its embarrassing is so real. ESPECIALLY when you can tell that the reason why you love this character is bc of glaring similarities to another character that you were obsessed with...so you liking this character and the things that make you tick abt them is just This One Guy Hyperfixation 2.0. the most embarrassing thing. having a type.
#wont say which character this is abt bc i doubt anyone will know who he is more than anything. but#looking at myself in the mirror like Oh of course you love this character.#this character who is a dog-coded whorish bisexual rocker with a sad post-wwII childhood backstory#who had to take care of his ill mother when really young and who suffered xenophobic bullying bc of his mixed heritage#who felt aimless in life until he met this one guy and developed a Devotion towards him. but then was sorta-abandoned by this guy#and a lot of messed up things happened to him bc of that so all that love and devotion turned into obsessive hatred. of course.#of course! thats Kazuhira Miller all over again. you idiot.
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#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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wait what do i make a zine about
ideas are ok if anyone has some
(i think replies to this will be on?
im not sure how that works here)
#other post#-p2#cl said i should do one as my activity so#ig thats drawing still#things i know about or care about enough: being a alter. dissociation in general. being a dog alterhuman. uh being “less-than-a-person”#(no one said that to me its how i feel-- yea i know its not healthy etc)#id do something about the others im our area of the inner world but wolf says thats not allowed -- something abt safety#oh i dont want to do anything about trauma#me and one of the newer fragments just found out about the uh extent of it and im a little sort of 'dont want to think abt it'#maybe ill talk to the therapist abt it and abt my drinking urges#maybe it can help the newer one i mentioned too hes got the latter issue too#anyway#uh i#i had a additional thought what was it#no its gone#what do i know thats happy#uh#dog stuff. dogs in general. match 3 games (you know like the pokemon puzzle one on gameboy)#thats all i can think of#im#i dont have a lot of things i like yet#holy shit you are a yapper - Wolf
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