#and that makes it harder for him to look at rakiel because not only does he have to see the ghost of the woman he loved in their child

[lloydfrontera]

i get that it's been about twenty years since it happened and that's a long time to get past the grief but the fact we don't even get the names of rakiel and theo's mothers is criminal. two dead moms and not a smidge of angst about it. the ghosts of the people that died to bring them to life should've haunted the children and husband that they left behind. asterion should've had to see the faces of the women he married in the sons he refuses to get close to. but instead we get nothing! what gives!

[lloydfrontera]

weird i thought lloyd would be in textbooks for generations to the point students will curse his name for making their tests difficult/it's this guy again types of questions but nope he just vanished from history and only a handful knows him

speaking of does his summons, skeleton corps and yongyong still exists and with him?

weird i thought lloyd would be in textbooks for generations to the point students will curse his name for making their tests difficult/it's this guy again types of questions but nope he just vanished from history and only a handful knows him

i mean. do you remember the guy who revolutionized the history of civil engineering and architecture in your country?? the guy who changed the history of building construction and sewer systems a couple centuries ago??

like. personally i am not very informed about that topic cause it's not part of my daily life! i imagine it's different for, y'know, people who have to study the topic and will make a career out of it.

for all we know lloyd is still very known but just to the people the system told him he would be remembered by: engineering and architecture students and teachers.

[Hell's Top Talent] [Title Level: Hero's Journey] Okay, it's time to study the railway of the past. Open your History of Modern Civil Engineering Book to page 359. Yes. That's the famous Pantara Railway, which I'm sure every one of you knows. Student in the front row. Could you briefly walk us through how this railroad came to be? Excellent. That's correct. The Pantara Railway, just like what the student said, is a masterpiece built by Lloyd Frontera, who received an order from the Magentano House. Hahaha. Are you all bored? It's Lloyd Frontera again. Look at this section, and you'll find Lloyd Frontera. Move on to the next part and you still find him. I, too, am sick of him. Had it not been for him, we would only have one eight of what we will study this summer. But what else can we do? That son of a gun set the groundwork for the civil engineering of our empire. So, it would be unfair if we were the only ones to suffer, no? Let's hit the book. Come now. Let's study harder, create new theories and make it harder for the students who'll come after you all. All right, so the Pantara Railroad introduced the switchback system for the first time in the world...

again. does this sound like something the every day person would be studying?? yes, lloyd did leave a very big mark in history, one that will last for centuries, but it doesn't mean literally everyone will know about him. just... the people who are most involved in the field he worked in.

who's to say there aren't a bunch of students in the background of rakiel's shenanigans, cursing lloyd's name or making little altars in the back of their classrooms every time a test comes and they have to answer insanely complicated questions that only exist because lloyd did a bunch of stuff 300 hundred years earlier??

we just don't get to see it because it wasn't relevant to rakiel's journey </3

also. the sequel is mostly from rakiel's perspective. and rakiel is busy. he hasn't traveled to a lot of places where lloyd went. his field of work is extremely separated from lloyd's. he has no reason to really think about lloyd and yet he does! several times! he hasn't been forgotten he's just not relevant to rakiel's daily life.

just because you're famous in one field doesn't mean everyone will know of you! just to the people invested in that field and maybe a couple adjacent ones!

speaking of does his summons, skeleton corps and yongyong still exists and with him?

the summons yes! lloyd himself confirms that he has ppodong and the rest of the gang with him in heaven. i don't remember if he has mentioned the skeleton corps or yongyong yet, but lexi is working with javier so?? it's unclear.

[lloydfrontera]

again thinking about asterion doing one of his family dinners but during the nine year gap of rakiel being gone. him trying to connect with the only son he has left but neither of them being able to ignore the void where rakiel should be. both of them silent and quiet because if dinners had been tense and uncomfortable when rakiel was there for both of them to focus on now that he's gone there's nothing to connect them. asterion burned that bridge years ago and theo doesn't trust him enough to reach across the chasm between them now that he wants to fix it.

and specifically i'm thinking about asterion asking for rakiel's preferred dishes to be served. about them sitting on a long table with one too many empty seats and eating food neither of them are really familiar with but are nonetheless nostalgic about.

and theo is at first overwhelmed by even the smell of it, his chest tight and aching by the time the first dish is put on front of him and it feels wrong to eat this when hyung isn't there (but what doesn't feel wrong to do with hyung gone) but he pushes through and takes a bite because the emperor is watching and what kind of crown prince is shaken by a simple dish (the same kind that would give up his title, the throne and an empire just to have his older brother back)

and it's. it's nice. it tastes just the same as when hyung was there. it tastes like uncomfortable dinners made tolerable because he wasn't alone at them. it tastes like whispered comments made under their breath and hastily stifled laughs. it tastes like gentle teasing about poor spice tolerance and over garlicky food.

it's nice. so theo eats more.

and more

and more

and more

his stomach hurts and he knows what's happening, knows he should stop, knows he will be sick if he doesn't but. but it's getting harder to remember hyung's tone when he complained under his breath, to remember the tilt of his voice when he teased him in hushed whispers, the twist on his lips when he wanted to laugh but couldn't. it's getting harder and this makes it easier and it's hard to stop when he doesn't want to.

and then he looks at his father and.

and he's just watching. again. he has to know, theo isn't stupid, he knows asterion must've known what he did what he's doing and even so he's just watching.

why does he only ever watch.

so he stares right into his father's eyes and keeps eating and it's this mix of 'you can't stop me you don't get to say anything you lost that right' and 'say something please just say something i'm right here why aren't you doing anything' where's there's no right option but lots of wrong ones.

and asterion is trying he really is but he spent more time being an emperor than being a father and he doesn't know what to do doesn't how to make this better he just. doesn't want to make it worse.

so he doesn't say anything

and it's not the worst thing he could've done but it's. it's up there.

the dinners stop for a while. and when they restart neither of them mentions when rakiel's favorite dishes aren't served again.

[lloydfrontera]

Who is the person Rakiel's closest to?

damian! definitely damian! it took them,,, so long to get there, truly they put the llojavi slowburn to shame, but goddamn the results are pretty goddamn delicious.

i once said that the reason i couldn't get so invested in their relationship was because i felt that rakiel wasn't as invested in damian as damian was in him. their devotion didn't really feel mutual and that made me feel really sad for damian.

but then damian got sick. and oh boi. did that change things. rakiel goes to such lengths to keep him alive, he cares so much to keep him comfortable and stable and just puts so much effort into taking care of him, it immediately endears you to him in a much deeper level than the story had done until that point. rakiel's care for damian makes you care for him and it's wonderful.

there's way too much for me to truly summarize, it would take me far too long and i'd need to reread a lot of arcs to give myself a fair chance at remembering everything in the right order, but there is just. so much. their relationships is build up so slowly and lovingly that you truly believe how much they care for each other.

as the plot goes on and the stakes get higher and higher you start to see the cracks in rakiel's carefully detached demeanor, the facade he puts on as damian's primary doctor and truly start to see how much it gets to him that he can't keep damian safe. no matter what he does, no matter how many times he cures him, how many miracles he pulls off, he just can't keep damian from suffering.

he's his employer, he's his doctor and most of all he's his friend and he can't keep him from being in constant pain and suffering. worst of all, his meddling at the beginning is the reason damian is going through all of that in the first place. and he hates it.

in ch 548-550 you really get to see just how much he's come to care about damian, how close they've gotten to each other and how much it gets to rakiel the idea that he may just not be able to save him.

this is the first time we see rakiel truly lose his composure in front of a patient because the sheer hopelessness of their situation hits him so hard he's outright shaking as he tells damian his diagnosis.

then later on when they're looking for a treatment to damian's illness berkis points out the obvious solution to their problem. they could just send damian to an unpopulated world, let him die there and allow the demon king to grab his vessel in a desolated place where he can't hurt anyone. all his efforts would be wasted and they'd have 3000 years more to prepare for his next attack. truly, it's the most viable solution they have available.

it's completely unacceptable to rakiel. he will not send damian to die alone. he won't abandon him like that.

when berkis asks him if he's saying no as damian's doctor or as his master, rakiel replies that both, but knows that deep down he's also saying it as his friend. he can't let go of him yet.

berkis calls him out on this, telling him he can't decide something that will put the entire world in risk based on his feelings. he completely destroys all of his arguments, reminding him that not only did rakiel say there was no cure for this illness but what will he do with the next incurable disease that attacks damian. and the next and the next and the next. no matter how many miracles he pulls off there will always be a next attack and the demon king only needs to win once.

so rakiel only tells him to please. please give him a chance. he will try harder. he will try his best. just please, please let him try to the very end, until there's truly no more hope.

and if they can't find a cure, if there's truly nothing more they can do... then they can send both damian and him away.

because it was his fault. it's on him that this is happening. damian's hopelessness and misery, it's all because of him. and he has to take responsibility for it.

and then because this wasn't heartbreaking enough, someone else speaks up and says he's voting in favor of king berkis' plan. damian has heard enough. he will not put his prince in danger when there's an perfectly viable option right there.

rakiel gets so angry.

he yells at damian and then grabs him by the collar, asking him what the hell does he think he's doing. and when damian explains to him the only way to keep him safe is to go and die alone in a different world, rakiel tells him that's nonsense and that he'll pretend he didn't hear what he just said because it obviously was a mistake.

he's not. really angry at damian. he's livid with himself. because it's his fault this is happening. is his fault damian is trying to sacrifice himself. and it's his fault he's not competent enough to save him. he's absolutely furious with himself but he can't help but take it out on damian who least of all deserves it and that also infuriates him.

god there's some dialogue in this chapter that just. gives me heart palpitations. i can't do it justice so just. here.

"You are my escort. You can't die without my orders. How long have you been by my side? You still don’t know that?" "I know it very well." "So why do you do this?" "I do it because I have to." "Insolent." "I can’t help it even if you curse and criticize me." "I have never given you the freedom to die at your own will." "If I don’t have that freedom, I will stop escorting Your Highness." "What?" "If it is possible to protect Your Highness other than as an escort, I will gladly do so." "Damian." "Your Highness." "Damian!" "Yes, Your Highness." "Retract the statement you made to everyone earlier, immediately." "I don’t want to." "It’s an order." "I refuse." "I will save you." "How?" "Somehow." Even if it means taking away my own life. Even if it means working harder to treat others, earning bonus life, and giving it all to you. I want to save you. I don't want to give up. But did Damian know his feelings? Is that why he smiled more sadly? "Your Highness. You have done enough so far." "… So what." "You still want to do more?" "Of course." "…" Damian Cayenne let out a soft sigh. He could feel his master's heart. So he also felt sad and guilty. It's because of me. Because of him, his master was in danger and unhappy. So he decided. "… All right. I will follow Your Majesty’s wishes." He bowed his head obediently. So that my lord can rest assured. So that he can trust himself and put his heart down. Just be obedient. Like that. "I think my judgment was clouded for a moment just now. I apologize."

they want. so badly. to keep each other safe. they're trying so hard to protect one another. damian is willing to go die alone in desolate planet to keep rakiel safe. rakiel is willing to work himself to death to give damian his own lifespan.

they make me insane.

this is just. the tip of the iceberg, there's a lot more that happens before and after that i can't put in one single post because we'd be here all day but just. know that it exists and that is worth reading the entire novel just to see their relationship unfold.

so. yeah akjshdkjas