#and that all got fucked because my calculus professor fucked up our exam dates in the syllabus

[crashing-constellation]

Kinda just want to cry tbh

[rjwrites22]

On Failure

A continuation of my previous post (the reblog).

“Story Time”:

I've always been told that I'm really smart, and I believed it to the point that if I did badly at school I felt like a complete failure as a person. I actually taught myself to read when I was like 3 or 4, and someone compared me to a calculator at one point, so I think I was perfectly within my rights to believe them.

In first grade, my mom tried to get the school to let me skip right to third grade, but they wouldn't let me, as they said I'd be "eaten alive" socially. I've never been good with people, so I don't think that would have mattered much.

Up until fourth grade, I did really well in school. I can't remember why, but that year, I started forgetting to turn in my homework, so my grades started dropping. The forgetfulness continued, and procrastination joined in at some point.

In high school, my sophomore year, I failed at least the second semester of Spanish 2, if not both semesters. I dropped the class the next year, even though that severely narrowed my list of options for colleges.

Junior year, I failed both semesters of English 3, since we had to do research papers both semesters and I've always hated them, so I didn't end up doing either one. Did summer school for that class, and the research paper I had to do in order to graduate I wrote over spring break my senior year.

I also failed second semester of U.S. History junior year, but I don't know why that happened, just that I had to retake the class.

My mom threatened to kick me out of the house when I turned 18 if I didn't graduate when I was supposed to. With her, doing well isn't something to be praised for. It's an EXPECTATION, at least when it comes to me.

I almost didn't graduate, by the way, but not because of anything academic. My school requires a certain amount of PE credits to graduate, 3.5 years' worth (but people in sports could get out of the class for the semester the sport was in), and I've never been all that good athletically. The final exam for second semester was running 3/4 of a mile in a certain amount of time (and they claimed to grade on effort, not skill! Hypocrites). I needed a certain grade on my final to pass the class (I think it was a 41, but I'm not quite sure), and I got two percent more than that (I think it was 43, again not sure). So I literally passed high school by TWO PERCENT on my fucking PE final. I hated that class for the most part, and I think that it's completely reasonable for me to do so.

College time now. First semester of my first year was hell, in more ways than one. My seasonal depression was the worst I can really remember it ever being, likely due to the added stress of both college AND the political clusterfuck that was the end of 2016.

In Calculus, the professor has a policy that if you don't have at least a 60% after the second chapter test, which is effectively the midterm, you get dropped from the class. After the second test, I got dropped, and I felt like a complete failure. I've always done well in math, so this was a real hit to my self esteem.

I also failed psychology, but that was because petty much all our assignments were online, so I forgot to do them.

Band, I got a D in. Why? Because the professor gave writing assignments, and I HATE those, so I didn't do them. I also forgot to do them, but that's not really the point.

Got a shockingly good grade in English (B), and chemistry was good too.

Second semester wasn't too much better. Failed English, because I got the due date for the research paper wrong by two days. Failed chemistry, because I missed a couple days and didn't have time to catch up before the test.

First semester my second year was worse, grade-wise. Retook psychology, failed once again for the same reason as before. Retook calculus, and I passed it with a D. I needed a C or above to move on to calc 2, so that sucked.

I was supposed to take economics, but financial aid was a bitch and it was an online class so when I couldn't get the book I was screwed. After I got the book, which I had to buy loose-leaf and thus couldn't return, I found out that I'd been dropped from the class. That damn book cost me like $200, so I was pretty ticked off by that.

Second semester that year was great, like REALLY great, so no real comment on that here since this is about failure.

First semester this year - my third year. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

Over the summer, I got a job. Third shift at a factory in town, 10:30pm to 6:30 am. I continued the job through the end of August, but then I had to quit for my own well-being. My classes were pretty much all day on Tuesday and Thursday, with nothing on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I would get off work, go home, shower, then go right to school. Classes almost straight through from 10:35 to 4:50, no lunch break or anything, then I'd go home, catch a few hours of sleep, and go to work again. I had a nervous breakdown in physics one Thursday, when I literally COULDN'T EVEN THINK. Physics was my last class of the day, so I was almost dead by the time it started, so... Yeah. It wasn't great. Quit my job a week after the breakdown.

I got a D in physics, or maybe a VERY low C. I blame the fact that I probably didn't absorb all that much for the first few weeks, since I was basically a fucking zombie during that class.

Took economics again, this time an actual class. I thought it would be a time-filler, something I'd do because I needed the credit from it. It was actually a lot of fun, though. Got a B.

Calculus, I have no idea how well I did, even though the final was a week ago so the grade is definitely online for me to see. I'm too scared to look at it, since I didn't do too well on the tests.

Actually, I had a dream about my calc grade this morning. I'd gone online and checked, and my final grade for the class was like a 46%. That was just a dream, thank god, though it did nothing to help my fear of what my grade might be.

I'll check the grade at some point, might remark on it here if I remember to.

tl;dr: RJ fails at shit but keeps going because I'm a stubborn bitch.

Moral of the story? If you fail, you can move on from it. If you fail the same thing multiple times and keep going at it, then you're just as stubborn as I am - though I certainly hope you're better off mentally than I am - and I commend you for your persistence.

Keep on keeping on, people.

[5hfanfiction]

The Maid - Chapter 3

“Who is this Lauren?”, Dinah asked as she opened the door, but I got inside at lightning speed without answering her question. “Jesus! Calm down. Let’s go to my room and talk”

We went up the stairs to Dinah’s room and sat on the bed. This girl had been my best friend since we were 5 years old, she knew everything about me and always helped me to solve any mess I caused. I wouldn’t say she was the most responsible either, but she surely was less clumsy and had more self-control than me.

Dinah was studying business administration at my same university. Her parents owned a fair amount of restaurants spread all over Miami and she wanted to carry on the business.

“Ok, so what’s up? Spill it.” Dinah questioned excitedly as she looked at me.

“So, remember I told you I was going to be working as a maid for a rich woman my aunt used to work for. You know, doing house work and stuff.” I sighed and Dinah nodded eager to hear more. “Well, my boss is… she is fucking hot.”

 “What! Wait, didn’t you say she was going to be some old lady? You like older woman now?”

“No.” I said as I rolled my eyes in response.  “That’s the thing. I never expected her to look like that. She’s like super young, probably in her mid-twenties and she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, China.”

“Really? And she’s rich? Then what’s the problem, Mila. Get that”, she stuck her tongue out and did a little ‘hump the air’ dance.

“Dinah! I’m serious. I can’t lose this job.” I exclaimed as I threw a pillow at her.

“Ok, Ok. But, can I at least see why you’re acting so crazy about her”, she said as she opened the laptop that had been lying on her bed and started typing something. “What was her name?”

“Lauren. Lauren Jauregui.” I informed and stared at Dinah as she typed.

“Well, damn. Is that her!?” she gasped and turned her laptop around allowing me to appreciate a picture of my new boss posing in what it seemed to be a black dress that reveled some of her pale skin near her chest and legs.

////PHOTO/////

“Mhm”, I wasn’t able to utter any coherent sentence after seeing that picture.

“Wait, I think I’ve seen her before. She was in some magazine list of the 20 youngest billionaires in the US” Dinah remembered and then slapped my arm.

“Auch! What the fuck?” I rubbed my arm and looked at her surprised and a little angry.

“I’m talking to you! And close your mouth, you look like a horny teenage boy”.

“Shut up.” I fired back and then sighed. ”I just can’t help it. I mean, look at her”. I pointed at the picture.

“I know, like damn, she gets the riches and the bitches”

 I smiled at my friend comment and slightly nodded because that statement was probably true. “Right. But that’s not all, she’s also super nice and polite, a little shy at times, but that makes her look even cuter. She’s just perfect….What I’m going to do?” I laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

“What the hell are you talking about Mila? This is great. You’re lucky.”

After hearing her comment, I quickly sat up. “Are you serious?” I asked in disbelief. “How can being attracted to my new billionaire boss be a good thing?”

“Emmm. One, she’s hot. Two, she’s rich. Three, she’s rich. Oh, and you said she was perfect so I don’t see what could be so bad about it, Mila.”

“Ok, first of all I don’t care about her money, you know I’m not like that” I explained.

“I was just joking” she rolled her eyes.

“And second, why are you acting like she is also interested?”

 “Well, you’re cute and pretty popular with the ladies at college. I’m sure you could seduce her easily” she stated as she made a silly sexy face.

I chuckled at her and shook my head. “Maybe, but I don’t even know if she likes girls”.

“Like that has ever stopped you” she accused me.

I stared back at her with an ‘are you serious’ expression. “This is different, she’s my fucking boss, Cheechee”.

“So? Look, did you flirt with her at some point, because we both know that you are really flirty person, but how did she react?” she questioned.

“I didn’t flirt. I sort of like gawked at her with a dumb expression on my face because she was too perfect. I also, kind of stared at her ass, which by the way was huge, a couple of times but she didn’t notice, I think.” I confessed and Dinah looked at me with a disappointed look.

“Then, what about her? Did she checked you out or something?” she asked with furrowed brows as if she was interrogating me to solve a damn crime.  

I looked up as I tried to remember the whole interaction between Miss Jauregui and me. “Emmm, I believe she did look at me a couple of times and helped me tie my cooking apron.” I confessed and Dinah raised her eyebrows.

“She wants you. You’re so blind sometimes, Chancho”.

“No, I really don’t think so, Dinah. She was super shy and probably was just trying to be nice. The whole situation was sort of awkward too” I responded with a skeptical look. “Perhaps, she caught me staring and felt uncomfortable…maybe she has a boyfriend and felt weird that her new female maid was staring at her like an idiot. And, oh my God, I kissed her check too, I forgot about that” I covered my face with both of my hands in embarrassment.

Dinah laughed at my nervousness. “I swear I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“Shush”

“Fine. So, when do we start the plan ‘seducing Miss Jauregui’?” she sked excitedly.

“Dinah, have you heard anything I just said. She’s out of my league”

“Not until she says so, Chanch. Why are you being so negative, you usually are super confident when approaching girls? And don’t tell me that it’s because she’s your boss and you feel intimidated, you literally flirted with my Calculus professor the other day”

I looked at her with an annoyed expression. “Dinah, just drop it. You’re supposed to be helping me.”

“I am helping you! You’re just being overdramatic and a little bitch” she fired back.

“What?”

“Stop being scared and do something. If you like someone you should act, Mila. Plus, you have never been so nervous and flustered about someone, you must like her a lot” she tried to convince me and I grunted.

“I don’t know”

“Come on, Chanch. What if you don’t do anything and then regret it years after. You don’t lose anything by trying. You obviously need to start approaching her slowly and discreetly find out if she’s with someone. I’m sure you know all this.” I stared at her as I analyzed her words and reflected on what I should do.

She definitely had a point, I needed to live without regrets. If I liked her, I needed to act and make sure I had no chance to then finally give up. I looked up and saw Dinah staring at me expectantly.

“Fine, I’ll try and see if I stand a chance”, I gave in and closed my eyes, already feeling a little of regret.

“Yes! I bet from here to three months you will be dating her.” I just shook my head as a response to her excitement.

 I spent the rest of my day with Dinah, we decided to go out to the beach and talk some more, but the conversation pretty much consisted in Dinah interrogating me about what happened at Miss Jauregui’s house. When the sun started to hide behind the horizon and some stars made themselves present in the sky we said goodbye to each other and headed to our respective homes. Dinah said she couldn’t go out and do something fun that night because she had some exams on Monday, so obviously I accepted, I wasn’t in the mood for partying anyways. 

After arriving home and answering my mom questions about how my first day as a maid had went, I excused myself from the dinner table and went up the stairs to my room. I lied on my bed as I closed my eyes, it had been a really busy day and I was pretty exhausted. Nevertheless, I decided to log into twitter and instagram for some minutes before going to bed. As I appreciated some pictures my friends from college had uploaded I came up with an idea.

I typed ‘Lauren Jauregui’ and started studying the results, I tapped the first account on the list and immediately several pictures appeared on my iPhone screen. It was definitely her account, she had plenty of followers, but didn’t upload much. Most of the pictures were aesthetic captures of different natural scenarios and politically charged ones, the rest were either selfies or pics with friends and, what I assumed to be, co-workers.

Based on what she published and her little descriptions I could tell she was a really intelligent and informed woman, she wasn’t afraid of speaking her mind and I liked that. She was really good with words and you could sense her confidence through her statements, which called my attention because she had behaved really shy back in her house, still managed to intimidate me though.

When I finished stalking my new boss on social media, I decided to put my pj’s on and get some sleep. Apparently, it was easier said than done, because I spent three hours moving around trying to find a comfortable position that could help me fall asleep. My mind was drowning in thoughts and memories of Miss Jauregui. I depicted every little detail about her in my head, her warm smile; her lips that seemed to be calling mine; her eyes that looked at me so shy and inviting; and her voice that enchanted and spoke to me in the most alluring way.

My eyes started closing slowly and I felt my body giving up to sleep, but my mind was active and drowning with her.

Lauren’s POV

I was sitting in my office revising some papers for work, or at least trying to, because my mind couldn’t really focus on anything besides what had happened earlier. I spent the entire afternoon reviving the small conversations and interactions I had shared with Camila and I couldn’t help it, there was something special about her that charmed me no matter my efforts to avoid it.

The kiss she gave me had triggered all kinds of reactions in my body, even when it had only been a brief contact on my check. When I saw her leaning in, I couldn’t move, my body didn’t respond to any of my orders, and my gaze had been constantly switching between her pink lips and warm eyes. After feeling her full lips against my check, my heart started pounding fast and felt some weird tickling sensation at the pit of my stomach.

I made myself stop thinking about my new maid and started to actually prepare stuff for work. When I finished organizing everything, I headed to the kitchen because I needed something to eat, urgently. When I opened the refrigerator I noticed that there were some glass food storage containers stuffed with, what it seemed to be, meat and rice. They were organized by the color of their lids at the top shelf; I couldn’t contain my smile. Camila had worked really hard that day and had still managed to make some extra food for me to eat the days she wouldn’t be coming.

I started preparing the food Camila had left and put some rice and a piece of stake on a plate. After some minutes, I took my plate out of the microwave and sat at my usual spot at the dinner table. I contemplated the empty living room of my house as I listened to the sound of the waves crushing, I usually didn’t care about eating or being alone in general, but right now I wished someone would keep me company and maybe enjoy the meal together.

The first person that came to mind was Camila, it would be nice if she was here right now so that we could talk about interesting topics like we did at lunch. Thanks to our conversations I had found out that we had lot in common and that she was really cultured and intelligent woman, she also understood my struggling at talking or socializing with her, since I noticed her trying to make me feel comfortable, even when we were in my house and I’m her boss.

I always tend to stay quiet when I’m in a meeting or gathering with a large group of people and just listen to whatever nonsense they talk about, but with Camila, after some awkward first attempts, the conversation started to flow freely. I think it was also due to how our minds complemented each other and how we always found mores issues and topics to discuss, not matter how mundane.

Suddenly, I realized how much time I had spent thinking about Camila, and it really confused me considering I don’t usually think about someone else for more than two minutes when choosing Christmas presents. I had always considered myself to be a rather cold-hearted person, not in the sense that I would hurt someone and not care about it at all, but mainly in relation to my “love” life. I didn’t believe in love, for me that was people confusing desire and affection together, and if it actually existed, I was probably not capable of feeling it.

Camila had called my attention, there was no denying in that. She had managed to captivate me like no other. This must be what people called desire or passion, because Camila had attracted me with every single aspect of her body and this whole fascination was new to me.

 At work parties, I was always approached by numerous people, but never gave give them a second look and Normani would scream at me for hours about it. Lauren, she was really hot or Lauren, you could’ve had a great night of sex with him. I couldn’t care less about that shit, having a fifteen minutes long mediocre sex with a drunk stranger didn’t sound appealing at all to me, regardless of how ‘hot’ Mani described them to be.

However, as irresponsible as it sounded, I could see myself having a sexual encounter with Camila, which doesn’t mean that I would actually make it happen. She was my employee and the relationship we ought to share was strictly professional. I just needed to keep my dirty little secret hidden and buried in the deepest corners of my mind. 

——————–

“Good morning, Lauren”, Normani said as she opened my office door at Jauregui’s Coorporation at 10 a.m. in a Monday. “Did you have a nice weekend?”

“Emmm…yeah, like always.”

“So it wasn’t a good weekend.” She joked and I rolled my eyes. “When are you going to accept going out with me and go clubbing?”

“When I start to enjoy going, which would probably be….never” I answered as I looked at the news in my laptop. Now it was Normani’s turn to roll her eyes and I smiled in response.

“Lauren, I’m serious. We can go out and maybe find you some boy or girl just as boring as you”.

“Why do you assume I want someone?” I questioned as I brought a cup of Starbucks coffee to my lips.

“I’m not saying that, what I mean is that you really NEED someone.” She explained. “Like, you can’t just keep on living only using the pink vibrator I got you”

I almost chocked on my coffee and started coughing. I looked at her as my hand rested on my chest and she looked back at me with a hint of entertainment in her eyes.

“Oh my God! Mani, shut up. And what makes you think I’ve used it?” I asked with difficulty as I tried to get some air into my lungs.

“Oh please. You obviously had. We’re human, therefore we are curious and horny. A girl has needs, right?” she asked.

I didn’t answer anything and just stared at her trying not to react to her accusations, because what she had said was nothing but the truth. I had used the pink toy, multiple times actually. As she had put it, a girl had needs.

“See” she raised her eyebrows with a superior look.

I felt my cheeks get warm and I looked away from her gaze.

“Awww, little Lauren is embarrassed”.

“Shut up or I’m firing you” I stated as I pretended to be mad and turned back to my laptop screen.

“Yeah, right. Whatever. I need to go back to work”

“You go and do that. That’s what I’m paying you for” I joked.

My conversations with Normani were always like this, we basically made fun of each other and joked around, but with no bad intentions. She was the closest thing to a friend I have ever had, she knew what I liked and hated and how to deal with me in different sorts of situations. Even if most of the time I rejected her invitations to go out to parties, I really cared about her, but I wouldn’t confess that out loud.

I knew Normani also worried about me, hence why she has always tried to play cupid and look for a way to pair me up with someone. She was always saying that I deserved someone good to spend the rest of my life with or at least someone to have sex and get rid of the stress that made me grumpy in the mornings.

My friendship with Normani was one of the most precious things I had and I couldn’t even imagine how my life would be without her, if it already was pretty unamusing and boring.

When lunch hour came Normani and I went to the restaurant we frequented, it was really good and served lots of sea food and Cuban delicacies. It wasn’t anything fancy or extravagant, usually the most delicious foods were served at the more economic establishments.

As we waited I felt my phone vibrate inside my purse so I started to look for it with difficulty as I tried to avoid grabbing any other unnecessary thing I carried with me. When I finally found it, I turned it around and stared at the screen, the name that appeared caught me by surprise. ‘Camila Cabello’ I opened my eyes in surprise and started to panic, my index finger moved unsteadily towards the screen. I tried not to overthink the situation anymore and quickly unlocked the call as I brought the phone to my ear.

When I raised my head again, Normani had her eyebrow furrowed and she showed both confusion and interest.

“Hello?”

“H-hi, sorry to disturb you, Miss Jauregui”

“No, you aren’t disturbing, I’m just eating lunch” I explained and Normani studied my face in detail.

“Oh, ok. I’m just calling because I think I left my student ID in your house the other day. Maybe it fell out my purse and I didn’t notice, today when I tried to enter the university’s library I realized I didn’t have it”, Camila informed with a little concern present in her voice.

“Oh”, I said and internally slapped myself for being so awkward. “I really haven’t looked around the house so attentively since you left the other day, but when I get home I’ll look for it”. I turned to my friend and her eyes were opened in shock, but I just looked down and started playing with my napkin as I waited for Camila’s response.

“Thank you so much, Miss Jauregui. It’s really not that serious, but it’s just a hassle to get a new one so I hope it is somewhere inside your house”

“It’s really nothing. When I get home I’ll look for it”, I said as I nervously drummed my fingers on the table.

“Wouldn’t it be better for me to go and look for it myself, you don’t have to. Besides, it was my mistake”

“Oh, I don’t know. I mean, if you want to. Aren’t you busy with university stuff?”

“Not really, this week is pretty chill. So…emmm. Is it okay if I get there at seven?

“Yeah, yeah. You have your keys, right?”

“Yep”

“Ok…bye, I guess?” I said doubtfully.

“Yes, bye Miss Jauregui, sorry for bothering you”

“Don’t worry about it. Have a nice day, Camila”

And on that note, I ended the call and breathed out some air that had been trapped in my lungs since I had saw my maid’s name appear on my phone screen.

“Ok, what the hell was that, Lauren?” Normani questioned with a mixture of confusion and surprise.

“What was what?” I asked as I took a sip of my mango juice.

“Oh, girl don’t even try it. Who’s Camila?”

“My new maid” I responded calmly as we waited for our food.

“Your new maid?” she furrowed her brows in confusion.

“Yes, Normani. My new maid.”

“What happened to Señora Maria?”, she looked really worried now.

“She had some health problems and had to quit. Nothing serious, but it was too much work for someone her age”.

“And why are you telling me this just now?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think you would care”

“I obviously care, Lauren. You need to tell me about things, I’m your friend and I care about what happens to you, stupid” she crumped her napkin into a ball and threw it at me. I was fast enough and grabbed it before it hit my face. I looked back at my friend, but didn’t say anything in response, I just couldn’t utter any words that reflected my sentiments towards her. Normani sensed my internal conflict and awkwardness, so she opened her mouth to speak again.

“But, whatever. What’s going on with this Camila?”

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “Nothing?”

“Yeah, right. You were literally shaking when you talked to her a few seconds ago. I’ve never seen you so flustered before, Jauregui” she insisted wiggling her eyebrows. I only huffed at her snarky comments.

“Is she cute?”

“What is this obsession you have with trying to pair me up with people?” I fired back, avoiding her question. But, as a result from her interrogatory, memories of Camila invaded my mind. Yeah, she was really beautiful, I thought to myself. She possessed something really unique, and maybe some people wouldn’t see anything special about her looks, but her beauty was hypnotizing, at least for me.

“I just want you to be happy with someone, because even when you are a pain in the ass sometimes, you deserve someone as amazing as you to share your life with”. I made a tight smile because I knew that would probably never happen. I was incapable of loving someone, I didn’t feel anything and I would never force myself to feel again like I did back in college.

Normani kept bugging me about Camila, telling me that I should try and see if I had a shot with her for the rest of our Lunch break. After eating, we went back to the building and I immersed myself in work, but I couldn’t help feeling nervous or anxious for some reason.

After reading like a thousand new ideas for softwares and discussing future projects for the company with our creative team, I was free to go back home. I organized everything in my desk and grabbed my purse. I got out of my office rather quickly and said goodbye to Normani.

I got inside my black Bentley Bentayga and drove out of the company’s parking lot. When a red light signaled the cars to stop I took a hold of my phone and selected Kehlani’s Everything Is Yours and turned the volume up, I needed to keep my mind distracted and not think about Camila’s visit. My trips were always like this, I loved music and these little rides allowed me to blast out my favorite songs freely, it helped me soothe my anger when there was some eternal traffic jam.

I parked my car and stared at my watched, which marked 7:45 p.m. I hoped out of my black jeep and head to the main door as I took my keys out. When I entered the house, I started looking everywhere to see if Camila was still here, but I didn’t see her. The first room I always walked to when I arrived home was the kitchen, so that’s where I went. I opened the refrigerator and took a can of beer, I needed something to refresh myself because it was pretty hot in Miami that afternoon.

I turned around and saw Camila approaching me cautiously, she was wearing some jean shorts and a white crop top that left her stomach muscles exposed. I gave her a polite smile and tried to not allow my eyes to wander through her body anymore.

“Hi”

“Hello” she said with a shy expression. “Any luck?” I asked as I took a sip of my beer.

She opened her mouth, but didn’t answer because the bell of my house interrupted her actions. I felt sort of surprised and confused, who could be calling at my door at this hour. The mailman?

“Excuse me” I pardoned myself and headed to the main entrance. I grabbed the handle and opened the door to found a smiling Normani standing on the other side.

“Hi. So, I thought it would be nice to have dinner together. I bought sushi” she confessed excitedly.

What the hell was she going here? Deep inside, I knew she was doing this on purpose, because she knew Camila was going to be there and Normani couldn’t compete against her curiosity. Before I realized she was already stepping inside of the house. Oh boy, this was going to be something.

[itsjayyyy]

June 26th, 2019 11:50 am

holy hell it’s been a long time since my last update. First of all: that last update ended at a really climactic moment and I’m mad that I don’t remember what happened next, or even that it ever happened. It’s like reading a book that ends on a cliffhanger and has no sequel.

So I did end up getting everything from the last update resolved. Rose took a week but finally responded with “you’ve made a lot of valid points, I want to work harder to repair our friendship.” Regardless of whether I believe her, at least I had this exchange to hold her accountable. I got my tire changed a week after I said I would. My mechanic looked at it and was like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because the strip became a continuous 2.5-inch wide belt of smoothness. We passed the apartment inspection, but they did charge me the $250 for the pet fee. No big deal tho.

Recently mom has been wanting to move back to michigan. She’s tired of florida and the market is perfect for selling the house now. But dad says he won’t move until he can see for sure that rose gets her degree and can move out on her own terms, financially stable. Mom wants to give rose a hard deadline to move out. I agree with mom, rose is getting far too old to be living at her parent’s home rent free considering she makes almost double what I do, and I’m entirely independent. Like seriously, where is her money going? An ounce of weed a week? Buying her boyfriend a new xbox and games? Fixing her piece of shit car which broke down again a week later? (she wants to buy a stick shift this time. I’m not gonna tell her it’s a bad idea, bc she’ll prob sell it to me for cheap after she gives up learning to drive). Now iris and I are trying to apply gentle pressure on her to get her life together, and by that I mean I lashed out pretty strongly over text and now iris is gonna come by and comfort rose while also subtly agreeing with me.

I just barely passed my classes and kept my scholarship with a 3.008 gpa. tell me that ain’t god’s work. I failed calculus with a whole F again, but I’m gonna really give it a better shot next semester. I *will* at least get a C. 

My comp 2 professor nominated me for the stylus award. I don’t think I’ll win because personally I think my essay was a rushed mess, but it’s nice to know that he thought it was that good. I picked up my portfolio from him, but haven’t reread it yet. Also, I stopped browing r/braincels like I used to. Even after the semester ended, I would still read every post for a long time, but I finally stopped when I felt like my mental health was declining. I mean, I don’t need to keep reading it anyways, the project is over. Sometimes I’ll go back on it and read a few posts, but not often.

This update is just pure procrastination btw. Not only am I procrastinating studying for my two midterms tomorrow, but also because I got back on Tinder last night and got three messages. I’m really an all-or-nothing kinda guy, I don’t like the idea of dating multiple people at once. which apparently isn’t how tinder is supposed to work; some online articles say “it’s best to have 10 conversations going at once” which I hate because it makes people seem so disposable. I swear, straight people treat dating as a business transaction, they’re always trying to shop around and discard what they have for a better thing. Anyways I don’t know how to respond to the messages, especially since I really only want to talk to one person at a time.

So anyways. Last semester ended, the summer semester began. Do you remember the first semester of college, how that one guy at a club meeting was a total creep and followed me (us?) onto the city bus and couldn’t take a hint to leave? Well I’m pretty sure he’s in my comp sci class, and he sits three seats to the left of me and looks over at me like once every 5 minutes. Also, two weeks into the semester, savon figured out I’m in discrete structures and has since then come to sit in on the lectures. And last thursday he loitered around the bookshelves near my seat in the library for an hour. I mean really, is he SO interested in plant diseases that he stared at the spines of the books for a whole hour?? I hate men.

Because of that, I had to study in HPA instead. It brought back memories, from when I thought I wanted to major in social work. Still love that vending machine they have that can make a latte for $1.50, I wish they had more of them on campus. Anyways as I was sitting there, this guy walked past me, then turned around and was like “oh I think you’re in my comp sci class.” He asked what we did in class and tbh it took me a hot minute to remember because my attention span has been shot recently. Dude didn’t even know we have an exam on thursday. He seemed kind of friendly, he’s majoring in computational physics. He asked me what my discord username and I hesitated before telling him bc like 2 hours prior, I said “man, that’s the first time anyone has said they love me in years” (in regards to the professor telling us he loves us).

I’m doing pretty decent in my classes. Definitely gonna get A’s or B’s in them. I’ve become more cordial with my parents too, I visit them once a week/every two weeks-ish. Rose and I had an argument on memorial day. She was basically delegating me to permanent third wheel, because she says she “never gets to act like a couple with peter in front of other people.” Apparently I’m a second-class citizen to “other people” since I’m the one that gets excluded. And it’s even worse considering the fact that rose is pretty much the only person that I talk to these days, like I have no other friends, so the few moments we do hang she wants to ignore me. I told her about this and all of a sudden she started saying “oh well you don’t even care about me anyways” like wow that’s not gaslighting or anything. 

That was about a month ago, and I’ve been in virtually complete isolation since then. I’ve hung out with heather for about two hours total in the last month, and other than that it’s just utter loneliness. Honestly I’m pretty sure my vocal cords are gonna grow weak from disuse; I mean I’ve rarely spoken my entire life and now it’s just getting worse. Severe isolation like this really feels like it’s deteriorating my brain; my memory is getting weaker, I can’t focus, all I think about is how I’m completely ugly and unloveable and nobody wants to be my friend because I’m such a horrible person. 

This lasted for all of gemini season, and at the start of cancer season I just started crying at everything. On sunday before I went to work I started watching she ra on netflix. By the second episode I had already cried twice; once because I thought it was so great that adora had friends who cared about her, once because I felt bad for catra for feeling abandoned. Then I cried at work because this family came in, dumped off their son in a wheelchair with a laptop, and then never came back for him the rest of the night. Then I cried the next morning because I felt lonely. Then I opened r/sad, read the most upvoted story, and cried again at that. I hate cancer season.

My life (financially and academically) is going fine, but the loneliness is what’s still making me feel like shit, which is why I got back on tinder. I mentioned that already, right? yeah, I still don’t know how to respond. There’s this one girl who also looks hapa like me, and by her bio I really want to talk to her but I’m nervous. Last night I was like “lemme smoke a little to relax then I’ll message her” but then after smoking I was like “lemme have some vodka and punch” and then I decided to do a hair mask, followed by a long shower, followed by taking nudes (it was a lot of vodka, man). And by then it was 10pm and I couldn’t respond without looking sleazy. So now, here I am, at 1:17 pm the next day, and I still haven’t responded. Or studied for my midterms tomorrow. I’m gonna die.