#and tbh feels guilty for what he ate / drank before he realized

[deathbind]

TW for mention of suicidal ideation and starvation. Nothing in-depth but I like to cover my bases.

My mom showed me something earlier that then sparked some sad thoughts about the Beetle Death / the famine that plagued Serot's youth. How he certainly has food preferences but is really not picky and goes out of his way to avoid food waste as a result. (One of the results; it's had other long-term effects on him.) How he has eaten some truly strange or even disgusting things because the alternative was starvation. How some people undoubtedly took to risking dangerous "foods" because either they would survive the effects and live just a little longer OR die within hours / days and be spared the long agony of starvation.

[butwhyduh]

I've just finished reading your Christmas bat boys series and I love them all 🥺🥺! I don't want to be greedy but could you write morning/boxing day breakfast scene for the boys(TM)? I'd love that! If not then that's fine too. You've already provided us with quality content 👌

💕💕

So I’m from the US and we usually don’t celebrate Boxing Day. So I’ll probably do something wrong but that’s okay. That’s how Americans do holidays anyways. But I refuse to believe Alfred Pennyworth wouldn’t celebrate for one second. So I firmly believe this was the day that most of the kids and even Bruce would indulge Alfred and do what he wanted.

When they were kids it was enough to simply put the sweets down and take a proper post Christmas shower. Jason Todd had been incredibly excited to learn about Boxing Day because he thought it was a family fight day. Uh, yeah, good food and watching some boxing was nice too, he had guessed. Not a lot was certain, but sausage rolls and some kind of sports game on Boxing Day was one of them in the Wayne’s household.

Damian

You woke up to the familiar scent of Damian. But he wasn’t within arms reach. Where was he? How did you get up in his room anyways? You sat up to see him sleeping on the floor. Poor guy. It couldn’t be comfortable, could it? You tried to climb out of bed but the soft rustle of the sheets woke Damian. He sat up quickly only to relax.

“Morning,” you said.

“Good morning. How did you sleep last night?”

“Good. You didn’t have to sleep on the floor. That looks uncomfortable,” you said feeling guilty.

“It’s alright. I’ve slept in worse places,” Damian said and you were reminded of his child soldier past. You frowned. “It’s truly fine, beloved. Let’s get down to breakfast.”

“Yeah,” you said softly. You threw on one of his sweaters and went down. Alfred was in the kitchen this morning and had a platter piled high with some sort of pastry that he was bringing to the breakfast nook. You and Damian slid into the seats and you looked at the beautiful white grounds of Wayne Manor through the large viewing window.

“Would you like coffee, tea, juice, hot cocoa,” Alfred asked you both before bringing your drink. It was nice to be the first up. Alfred brought Damian curried tofu scramble and fried mushrooms and tomatoes. (You too if you are vegan/vegetarian).

Bruce came in the room and sat across from Damian. It was almost funny to see the billionaire in sleep pajamas. A large cup of coffee was placed before him and he had a steaming plate of everything Damian ate plus sausage rolls and a protein shake. It was quiet for a few minutes.

“You slept on the floor last night,” Bruce said quietly as he read the news on a tablet. He rolled his eyes at the article ��Local Reporter Clark Kent gets Pictures of Superman in action.”

“Yes. All night, father. You knew that,” Damian said with a bored hint of annoyance as he ate.

“Good. If either of you needs to speak to an adult in the matter of love or relationships, I am well acquainted with several child psychologists as well as a number of medical doctors,” He said casually. You almost choked on your food before taking a large gulp of your drink.

“Father. Not at breakfast,” Damian chided. His ears had a soft redness and he pointedly looked out the window instead of at either you or Bruce. You stared at your plate.

“I think I hear Jason awake. I’d better catch him before he leaves. Excuse me,” Bruce said before leaving.

“Sorry. He’s.... awkward. He thinks he needs to teach us about sexual education. A little late,” Damian said with a laugh.

“A little late? Oh,” you said. Damian quickly looked at you.

“Not that way. We’ve just, we learned in school. Not that I’ve- I think someone’s coming in here,” Damian said grateful for the distraction.

Dick and his fiancé walked in. He had his hand around her waist and the pair seemed glued together. They sat down at the same time with a giggle. They probably hadn’t even noticed you both there.

“Are you done?” Damian asked and you nodded. You couldn’t handle watching them.

You both went upstairs to his room again. Damian awkwardly sat on the bed.

“You know,” you started. Your face felt flush. “If you did want to talk about it, I’d be here.”

“Oh. Do you mean,” he started to ask.

“Sex. Yeah. It’s fine if you don’t. Seriously. Just saying...” you trailed off. He looked at you intensely. When Damian Wayne was thinking hard on something, his face became completely imperceivable.

“Maybe. Soon?” He said hopefully. You nodded. “Wanna watch a movie? You’ve got to go home in a few hours.”

“Yeah sounds great.”

Dick

You woke up feeling like a puzzle piece. An arm was thrown across your back and legs wrapped in yours as you laid on Dick’s chest. His heartbeat was steady in your ears. You couldn’t get much closer to him if you tried. You moved to get up because the bathroom was calling your name.

“Baby,” he groaned and wrapped his other arm tightly around you. You tried to pull out while shushing him back to sleep. There was no way you could pry yourself from his grasp unless he wanted you to with his incredible grip strength. “Stay with me,” Dick begged. “Just a little more.”

“I’ve got to use the bathroom,” you protested and he finally let you go with a big pout.

When you came back, his rough fingers pulled you by your bare thighs back in bed. His dress shirt and panties weren’t exactly the warmest clothing. You landed on him with a giggle. Dick quickly wrapped you both back in the blanket.

“Good morning, fiancé,” he said softly. His fingers traced soft circles on your back.

“Fiancée,” you said back with a smile. Dick kiss you softly. Morning breath and all. He finally pulled away.

“It’s Boxing Day. Alfred’s sausage rolls. Are you hungry,” he said finally releasing you.

“Yeah. A little. Especially after last night,” you said getting up and finding some clothing.

“I know, right,” Dick said and his face was basically this emoji 😏. You rolled you eyes and slipped on his sweater and a pair of sweatpants.

Dick couldn’t keep his hands off of you. He held your hip while walking downstairs and laced his fingers in yours as you ate breakfast. His plate was piled high with the pastry and he drank a green protein shake with it. Was there anyone else in the room with you? Maybe? Who knows? Who cares?

After breakfast you both said goodbye to his family before leaving back to Bludhaven. You and Dick stayed in bed for a good portion of the afternoon and when he went on patrol, he looked at you wistfully before leaving.

Tim

Tim could sleep through a hurricane in a canoe. He missed a lot of sleep and when he finally laid on his pillows, lights out. He didn’t move. He didn’t snore. And God hisself couldn’t wake this man before at least 5 hours had passed.

And when he woke up on the day after Christmas, he was incredibly disoriented after getting 9 hours of sleep. He vaguely felt someone laying in his chest and he looked down. Oh yeah, you. He slept so hard, he forgot he had a girlfriend for 2 minutes. He would never tell you that.

���Sunshine,” he said running his fingers on your arm. “Wake up.”

You slowly stirred to look at him. You laughed instantly. His hair stuck up everywhere. Probably a side effect of having his face between your legs last night. He looked at you confused.

“You need a shower before you do anything, Timbo,” you said with a smile.

“Back at you. Wanna join me,” he asked with a eyebrow wag.

“I think I’ll pass with all your family awake. Last night was pushing it,” you said, giving him a kiss. He leaned towards your face to continue the kiss as you pulled back. His hands held your hips but released them easily when you pulled away. He had a pout on his lips but got up to shower anyways. You both got ready before going downstairs.

Alfred slid a cup of coffee in Tim’s hand before you even made it to the breakfast nook. You poured a large one for yourself after seeing the scene. Dick and his fiancé were half an inch from making out at the table. It was too early for this madness.

Tim gave you a knowing look. He certainly wasn’t the only one getting play in his childhood room last night. You rolled your eyes.

Tim grabbed a few pastries and a protein shake. It was funny the first time you learned he drank them religiously. He didn’t look the type. Dick on the other hand... But Tim was naturally thin and couldn’t hold weight on his body to save his life. A protein shake at every meal helped replace the calories he lost through work, lack of sleep, and his insanely fast metabolism.

Tim’s phone rang. No surprise there. You were honestly surprised that Tim’s phone hadn’t rung earlier or last night. He sighed and answered it. His breakfast was probably going to be interrupted. He talked for a few minutes before hanging up.

“Sunshine,” he started.

“You’re busy, Wayne Enterprise. Have to leave soon,” you guessed. He looked regretful.

“Yeah. I’ll make it up to you tonight. I’ll call you a car when you’re ready to leave. I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Tim said. He quickly shoved food in his mouth and gulped down his coffee. “I’ve got to go.”

Jason

You woke up frozen. You were not under any blankets and tbh your tits were like icy. Your stomach was really warm tho. You looked down to see Jason’s head between your bare breasts and his body slotted between your legs. He clung on you like a monkey and gently snored. The blankets were on the floor. The activities of the night before had you flushing. Yeah that had been fun.

You ran your fingers through his hair to wake him gently. You didn’t want to jerk him awake but you were frozen. Jason slowly stirred and rubbed his face into your bare skin before groaning.

“Fuck it’s cold,” he grumbled, wrapping himself tighter around your body.

“Get up. I’m cold,” you said and he begrudgingly released you. He stood up and you realized that you both were completely naked. He grabbed some sweatpants and threw them on before throwing the blanket on you. You snuggled in the warm fabric. You were lulled back to sleep for a few more minutes.

You woke up alone. There was a note on the dresser.

Get dressed and come downstairs to the breakfast nook Princess- Jay

You grabbed one of his black sweaters and threw it on with your pants you wore the night before. You saw Bruce slide Jason the keys and he confirmed it with you afterwards. Your mind couldn’t process that.

Jason pulled you to the breakfast nook. Dick and his new fiancé were leaving and Tim was rushing out with business. His girlfriend left shortly after. Bruce, of course, had already started working on business or whatever mysterious stuff he always did.

Jason ate every single sausage roll and the rest of the vegetables that you didn’t eat. Alfred came and sat at the table with you both. Usually not what he would do but Jason always insisted. The older man nursed a cup of coffee and you all looked out the large viewing window. You couldn’t get over how huge the place was.

“Alfred, can you tell me stories about Jason when he was a kid?” You asked and Alfred smiled.

“I have many of Master Jason’s childhood. He was always a boisterous lad. Still is I suppose,” Alfred said taking a sip of his drink. Jason smiled. He had an arm thrown over your shoulder.

“When he was 14, Jason tried to climb the chandeliers in the front entry, as Master Richard had many times. Well, Jason was probably 20 lbs heavier than Richard even at that age. The chandelier came down with a resounding bang. Jason had broken a toe. This was the morning before a gala at the Manor. Master Bruce was far from pleased,” Alfred said. You laughed.

“The chandelier got reenforced and now Dick can swing on it to his heart content. I’ll leave the acrobats to him though,” Jason said with a laugh.

“I wish I could have seen it,” you laughed.

Alfred sat with you both for the better part of an hour, just telling funny stories about the boys and Bruce. Alfred stood up.

“I really do have work to do if I hope to catch the game this afternoon. I hope you both understand. But one last thing before you go, Master Jason. Bruce has been talking about leaving you the penthouse for years. He just needed a push to finally give it to you. I hope you both enjoy it,” Alfred said before leaving the room.

“Let’s��, uh, let’s get going,” Jason said abruptly. He was feeling uncomfortable emotions. It wasn’t the first time and you indulged him without asking any questions before leaving.

Bruce

He had a pounding headache when he woke up. He was hung over. He had impeccable hearing and the noises from 3 of his 4 sons rooms (as Duke and Cass had patrolled after the party) had him finding a bottle of whiskey. Was Jason purposefully being loud? At least Damian’s room was quiet. Bruce couldn’t handle that. Of course that didn’t guarantee anything. But he was willing to put up with it so that his boys could be home. But yeah, sound proofing on their bedrooms was a priority. Jesus Jason, wtf?

Giving Jason the penthouse was not a plan. But Bruce was grateful because the Jason’s Christmas list had been “gun.”

Dick’s list was “a break.” Bruce got him a pair of jet skis. That would be a good distraction.

Tim had asked for “a day off.” Bruce gave him tickets for 2 to Hvar, Croatia in January for 2 full weeks in a snowy cabin.

Damian had asked for a certain set of Wakizashi swords. He got the swords.

Alfred asked for a pasta maker and Bruce bought him a ticket to Italy for a week to pick one up.

Also: 3 days after Christmas, Tim recieved a camouflage gun themed snack gift basket with the card reading “duck next time-Jay”

[shadowhuntering]

Matthew & Alastair comparison

I’ve been re-reading Chain of Gold in prep for Chain of Iron and I've noticed that Matthew and Alastair are a foil of each other.

I’ve also been re-reading Cast Long Shadows for investigative purposes and it furthers my realization.

Matthew and Alastair have been through similar issues, but are the opposite (if that makes sense) in some ways. eg. Alastair had to pick up after Elias who is a drunk; Matthew is also a drunk. How they responded to these issues tells you a lot about their nature.

This is my observations, purely for analytical purposes so if I sound particularly harsh towards a character, I do not mean to be.

1. Personalities are the opposite to the other.

Matthew’s personality is literally meant to "blind people" because he's sunny, outgoing and is meant to be the life of the party (or his mask).

Alastair on the other hand is literally "dark" he is broody, not very forth coming and can be very prickly

Ironically though, both have the façade of being conceited when they are the opposite. Though you could argue that Matthew’s alcoholism is a result of being selfish. However, he has little regard for himself which is the danger.

Definition of selfish: Concerned chiefly or excessively with oneself, and having little regard for others.

2. They share a similar notion of love not being real, or won't last. 

Alastair just having a very pessimistic view in general, but Matthew says it about himself. He has full faith that other people will have happiness, where he doesn’t see it happening for himself.

3. Alastair is unapologetically himself, whereas with Matthew he hasn’t been himself for a while, and even back before the events of Cast Long Shadows he was trying to fulfill what people needed at the time.

Matthew cares too much about the people around him to think about himself, but also tries not to care as he fulfills the bad reputation people have of him. He has a mask/façade(s) to help liven or distract, yet he also openly degrades himself. He keeps people at arms length so that they will not be disappointed by him, but also forms close bonds with people. He so badly wants someone to love him, but he doesn't want to help himself or be vulnerable to other people. He’s a walking contradiction.

Alastair does regret the things he did, but he doesn't think less of himself because of them. He did all those things to protect himself from hurt. Alastair also doesn’t care for his attitude. It’s not his problem if people don’t like it basically 😂 He clearly has people he cares about like Sona and Cordelia and prioritises them also. He is also actively trying to right his wrongs on not dwell on his past. He wants to move on with his life.

4. Matthew doesn't want to help himself, Alastair does want to help himself and become a better person.

Matthew openly degrades himself yet keeps his own secrets and thoughts of himself. He self-destructs as he feels he deserves it, even when people reach out and try to care for his well-being and that of others they also love (eg. Lucie’s confrontation). He doesn't see that he is hurting the people around him and also himself because of his attitude towards his own life really. He doesn’t have much of a quality for life. He is clearly depressed. He fails to let anyone in because he doesn’t want to help himself and also thinks too much about what people think of him when honestly the perception they have of him now is probably much lower now because 1. how he has chosen to deal with his mistake 2. how he has kept it to himself therefore making it look like the people who care about him would cast him out.

Alastair knows what he did wrong and is trying to improve himself for the betterment of himself. It was evident that at the time of Cordelia finding out about Charles, he wanted to break free, but once he got over being mad at Cordelia for snooping (rightfully so tbh) he understood that she loves him and would give him the support he needed; he had the inspiration from her to commit to moving forward and make amends for himself. Sure, he kept people at arms length in order to protect himself but inherently he does make himself vulnerable for other people. He still let in Charles, made himself vulnerable to love. Then with Thomas... he let Thomas see his guard down in Paris (and before that Thomas just saw right through him) and he ended up allowing Cordelia in, taking heed of her advice and love. He knew that Charles was hurting him and other people, so he stood up to him. He is much more open and vulnerable which is ironic really.

To me, the progression Alastair has already made makes me believe that the same will come for Matthew. However, the bottom line here is that Matthew self-destructs and doesn’t want to help himself whereas Alastair wants to be a better person and look after himself. Alastair has self-love which is what Matthew severely lacks.

5. Both had to grow up fast due to responsibilities of looking after their father...

Matthew arguably has "Mommy issues". This is not me making excuses for Matthew, or even criticizing Charlotte in any way, this is just my interpretation of Cast Long Shadows...

Matthew seems to have low self-esteem and love for himself due to abandonment issues it seems. He probably felt abandoned as a child by Charlotte. It's not that he was unsupportive of her or holds anything against her, but when you look at it objectively, his upbringing shaped his reaction to Alastair and to himself. She literally left him crying at 6 years old and told him to "look after your father" as she had to go off with Charles. Cast Long Shadows is a huge emphasis of how the feeling of abandonment from Charlotte, leading to how he instantly believed that Charlotte had an affair with Gideon and took drastic action. This I feel is because he never felt comfortable to openly discuss to her about himself really. He also didn't trust her...

I do not wish to insult Charlotte as her job is serious and I'm so proud of her, but unfortunately, due to it, it made an impact on who Matthew is now. He didn't trust, nor feel comfortable enough to sit down and talk to Charlotte because he never really got to know her properly or wanted to burden her. It probably also felt like she had favoritism over Charles, and Matthew didn't want to step on her toes. She also never noticed the little things he did like make her favourite scones and he just went feeling unloved or unappreciated (though he should have said something?). She would ask of him to be sensible, didn't really engage much in his humor which probably contributed to how he viewed himself as well as he already was so self-conscious and was vying for her attention. No offense to Henry but his immersion into his science probably left Matthew feeling abandoned as well as he was the one caring for him, then Christopher is the one who understands and engages. Matthew was his carer, effectively, making sure he ate, drank, slept and wheeled him about. He did love his father though, so he didn’t mind. Though Henry does praise him when he breaks the news about them expecting which just made Matthew feel more guilty of his accidental poisoning.

It’s like Matthew wants all of the attention, but he never voices what he wants aloud. This results with no one paying him much heed. In Cast Long Shadows there is also a comparison to James and Lucie’s relationship with Tessa and Will. James and Lucie have communication with their parents, along with known support and trust. Matthew does not seem to have this as he seems too afraid to voice it, not because he is scared of Charlotte and Henry, but because he is too considerate of them. I also find it Ironic that the next story in GotSM is Every Exquisite Thing where there is a huge emphasis of Anna and Cecily’s relationship with each other. Anna being too scared that Cecily would be critical and not understand her, but when Cecily comes to Anna at her worst, she completely understood Anna and supported her, making her feel better. To me this is another stark contrast to Matthew where his parents are too busy to build a good relationship with him, and when there is a heart to heart (Henry talking with Matthew) it is too late and doesn’t ease his mind. Anna also points out how no one would approach Matthew because “he did not do well under confinement”- it makes sense, he doesn’t like confrontation. 

(I can go into further detail about Cast Long Shadows with Matthew’s upbringing being detrimental to his view of himself)

Alastair however has "Daddy issues". Alastair has a similar case of looking after his father, but he came to resent his father because he never got himself better or was so drunk to even remember or acknowledge Alastair and his help or I suppose confront his problem. Alastair knows what it can do and simply does not want to re-live it, and as Cordelia is now friends with Matthew, he doesn't want Cordelia being hurt by Matthew either or having to pick up after him as he did for Elias. That is also where they butt heads. It is too coincidental that Matthew is also drinking to forget, and is not wanting to make himself be better and deal with it. Alastair is trying to protect Cordelia, but he is also allowing her to make decisions for herself.

In ChoG Alastair says he was 10 when he learnt to fill the brandy bottles with water to mask the levels that had been drunk. He was probably picking up his father and "looking after him" well before that. Alastair tried to protect Cordelia from this because he was being more considerate for her sake. He wanted her to have a childhood he was robbed of. He is also being a foil here of Charles. Charles was so self-involved that he never decided to even think about his younger brother, Matthew. Alastair was compassionate; Charles was not. Alastair is a good older brother; Charles was not and was even accusatory that Matthew being parabatai with James and being in London is what caused Charlotte to be ill... he just has so much resentment...

I also believe that Alastair wanted the burden off of his mother, and I'm wondering if he knows more about Sona and her feelings towards Elias being sour and terrified (This is I feel what is indicated in the teaser of when Elias appears where Sona seems to go pale) despite rushing to him and hugging him etc.

“Sona went white and laid a hand against the wall to steady herself. "Elias?"” 

Alastair was bitter and twisted and he never wanted people to know because he knew it was a weak spot for him. It is what sparked him telling Matthew the rumor in the first place. 

“ "I wish I could say the same for you," said Matthew. "Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised? A friend? Your papa? Does nobody care enough to prevent you from making a spectacle of yourself? Or are you simply too busy perpetrating acts of evil upon the innocent to bother about your unfortunate appearance?" “

...

“Instead Alastair said: "Who are you to play the moralist, talking about tricks and papas, considering the circumstances of your birth?" “

He ultimately had inherited his father's shame which was wrong. It's what Cordelia has told him as well. Alastair shouldn't have to think of the mess of Elias; it is his shame to deal with, not Alastair’s.

Though arguably, as a result of Alastair giving Cordelia an innocent childhood, it opened the doors for Cordelia to want to reach out for him, due to her optimism and love, and as he loves his sister dearly, he takes what she has to say to heart. They will now face things together as a support network and hopefully they also have communication with their mother. Although their family may be "broken" they arguably have more communication and togetherness than Matthew does with his family.

(Sorry, that bit was long)

6. Result of their nature after childhood being robbed

Matthew seems to act more of a "child" anyways, being more “frivolous”. He is being reckless, he is a little petty as well. Whereas Alastair decided to grow up too fast and is more mature and relatively grounded. It did harden him to begin with, but he doesn’t want to completely isolate himself. He’s just simply more rational. This I feel is in their nature though, not nurture. 

7. Matthew is slowly driving everyone away, this is kind of what Alastair tried to achieve

Alastair at the Academy decided that he would be the bully in order not to be the one being ridiculed, thinking that he would be better off and retain a hard skin, but all it did was make him regret and never allowed him to create good bonds with people. Then when he came back from the Academy, he distanced himself from Cordelia. I interpreted this as him dealing with his guilt and regret and tried to not get Cordelia too close to him because of it, but Cordelia cared about him too much. Though it could’ve just been that he got too used to having a hard skin, not letting anyone close. Throughout ChoG he builds his bond with Cordelia, and we also see James coming around to Alastair. Thomas as always was curious and saw his better side and Christopher was seemed ready to give him a second chance. Though due to Matthew’s spew at the end, there is distance between him and Thomas and others (save Jordelia).

Matthew is driving everyone away, simply because he is being so reckless. He had originally established good relationships with people. Then, when Lucie confronts him he literally avoids it, no matter how realistic she was being and how much he cared for her, but that was it; he cared too much for her to tell her. We see that even James will snap at him in COI

Teaser #41: "There is no point to it," said Matthew. "If you will never see reason or good sense—"

"Because you're a bastion of reason and good sense?" James snapped. He knew he had a temper, just like his father; his anger spilled past everything else, tasting of copper and fury. "Matthew, you are drunk. For all I know, you mean nothing you are saying."

"I mean all of it," Matthew protested. "In vino veritas—"

"Don't you quote Latin at me," said James. "Even if you were sober, you've never taken love seriously enough to lecture me. Your passions have been a series of dalliances and ill-conceived attachments. Look at me and tell me there is something you love more than that bottle in your hand."

Matthew also decides to move out and get his own place to force independence and probably drive even more of a wedge between himself and Charlotte. We also knows he has an argument with Charlotte; his apartment and car is undoubtedly a result of that, escaping the conflict and confrontation. 

Anna had wanted to talk to him (Every Exquisite Thing), Magnus also wanted to help him. Lucie has always wanted to help for the sake of James and James has always known something was off. They just know that he wouldn’t say anything, and I think most were in the hopes that he would eventually say something. We know that Cordelia is most likely the one he tells thankfully! It is ironic that it is Cordelia for both Alastair and Matthew as well. So it already looks like Chain of Iron will provide the break and repair of relationships for Matthew, similar to Alastair’s progression of self-love.

8. Matthew is very open about his sexuality. Alastair does try and keep it hidden, however it’s more complicated. This is a reflection of their concern of judgement.

Although Matthew keeps things to himself, he admittedly is not afraid of what people think of him as his expectations of himself are so low. However, he is also ruled by the expectations of others, all through his life people had low expectations of him (again, another thing that influenced his actions in general) and he feels to fulfill that obscure one in spite?? The reputation the he has, has always been obscured because in everyone's eyes it will and always has been Charles who will inherit and uphold the good reputation as Consul as they don’t see Matthew as smart or responsible. However, the latter there he doesn’t help prove them wrong...

Alastair keeps his sexuality secret, that is until Cordelia finds out and he eventually warms up to her. Plus he was dependent of Charles as well, but committed himself that he wouldn’t be the side-dish. He wants to love himself for himself, not be hidden as a secret.

There is also a "reputation" element of the family that he still wants to uphold. He is learning though that he has to put himself first and should make amends for his reputation and not have to be burdened by others. Though I would argue that Cordelia is the one who is more concerned about it, but now she knows the truth she is wavering. It’s more complex.

To conclude: 

I feel like their stories will either reflect the other, or will be intertwined somehow. As Alastair has dealt with a drunk and looks down upon alcoholism in general because of his experience makes me believe that Matthew might need Alastair's perspective to grow up. Once he understands Alastair I feel it may pave the way for forgiving and loving himself. 

Alastair was the "spark" of making him spiral, but he was well on his way of questioning his family's loyalty and love of him before that (hence why we were given so much background) and it played into his weakness. Matthew I think wants to take it out on Alastair (he says he didn't blame Alastair or the Faerie. Alastair is just easy to take his frustration out on) as he is not prepared to come to terms with himself or even his family for that matter for his grievance. He loves his family very much and that’s why he feels so guilty, but it's wrong for him to believe so easily and hide his guilt away and that has to be due to his upbringing...

tldr; Alastair and Matthew have stark comparisons to each other that it’s probable that they are detrimental to each other’s character arcs.

@sparkofsummer

[out-of-this-dimension]

I’ve been a little mentally stuck on this Star-Crossed chapter so if you’re wondering where the next update is... yeah, writer’s block for that fic has been a bit rough lately.  ^^;;  I am, however, here to bring you the good news that planning for future fics is going surprisingly well!  I have a mini-fic that will probably land 25k words(ish) in the works and a longfic that I’m doing an outline for.  I don’t think I’ll be posting it until Star-Crossed is done or MOSTLY done.  I’ve literally written 2 fics in the middle of Star-Crossed and I don’t wanna stop and do that again.  Star-Crossed will be the main focus until it’s done, even if I have to strangle this writer’s block in order to make that happen.

I’m going to also go ahead and unofficially close the poll I had earlier!  Here are the results (thank you for those who voted):  

Love and War seems to be the winner and tbh, I’m a bit relieved because that’s the fic concept I’ve found myself having more inspiration for lately.  So that will be the next longfic after Star-Crossed!  Oh the antis are gonna love this.

Before that fic (or maybe alongside it?  Haven’t decided yet), however, I am going to be doing aforementioned small fic as a sort of break.  It’ll be somewhat a spiritual successor to And The World, A Little Bit Darker and will follow Andrew Oikonny pre-Star Fox Assault.

Anyways, that’s your fic news of the day.  I thought about just leaving it at that but I do feel quite bad that I haven’t been able to focus on SF as much lately.  Hyperfixations do in fact go brr.  Here’s a first, very rough draft sneak peek into the mini-fic I’m planning as a lil treat!

A rhythmic tap-tap-tap of Andrew Oikonny’s foot set a tempo that was just slightly off-beat from the jazzy elevator music playing as he ascended, his destination the quarters of Sargasso’s leader, Wolf O’Donnell.  Or Lord Wolf O’Donnell, as he had decided to style himself as of late.  Andrew was not sure who had planted in his head the notion that Wolf needed to call himself royalty to be respected but that was unfortunately the way life was now.  Wolf was all but retired from his mercenary work, having pilfered a small fortune and amassed a small army.  He ran Sargasso as a criminal hub, letting other unsavory sorts come through if they had the coin to pay for a place to lay low.  And Andrew supposed it was nice, getting a steadier paycheck and not having to risk his life for it.  But it was not the life he wanted for himself, and he had known that a long time ago, before Sargasso was even being built.

And Wolf had known it too, Andrew knew.  It was unspoken that eventually they would have to go their separate ways but the simian was hellbent on making sure that did not happen.  After everything had gone to hell on Venom, Star Wolf had become his new home and the mere thought of leaving it behind… Well, Andrew could not think about that happening.  Not after everything they had been through together.  They were a group of damn ruthless mercenaries but at the end of it all, they were a family.  In that weird and warped way. 

But each time Andrew thought that to himself, he felt guilty.  He had not said a word to his mother since he had left and was fairly certain she thought he was dead by now.  And Andross’s memory clawed at him mercilessly, reminding him of what could have been.  Staying at Sargasso felt like a dailliance, flirting with apathy when there were things to be done.  Andross’s dream could still be realized if it continued to live in all of them.  And it lived fiercely in Andrew Oikonny’s heart.  

He wanted to go back to Venom.  Back to the grind of freeing the Lylat System from Corneria’s oppressive rule.  And Wolf was fully aware of this; they had been having this discussion on and off for years now.  It ended the same way.  Wolf was adamant about staying at Sargasso, about letting old dogs lie.  And Andrew was adamant about the future his uncle had laid before his feet, that of a successor to a throne that was his birthright.  Each conversation had inevitably ended with Wolf “winning” the argument and Andrew had contented himself with waiting for a more opportune moment.  It was a cycle that had continued on for several years now… and now Andrew was at his limit, watching life and time slip on by as nothing was done.  Nothing changed.  The Sargasso residents, mostly ex-Venomian soldiers, ate, drank, and partied like the Lylat Wars never happened.  And Andrew was left to think on that legacy that beckoned to him back on that old poisonous planet, left by the wayside in favor of relaxation and booze.

Tap-tap-tap of his foot.  Then the doors opened and Andrew was met with the sight of Wolf in his luxurious albeit worn red armchair and Leon leaning against the desk next to him.  The perfect image of a crime boss and his faithful lackey.  Wolf was on speaker phone with someone.  A client, possibly.  Or another band of mercs looking to negotiate for a place to stay while the CDF scoured the galaxy for them.  Andrew didn’t know which.  And he frankly did not care.

[thoughtsthatwontstop]

Endless Circle of Self Fat-Shaming - Adele Edition

It’s Summer of 2020, we are in midst of COVID quarantine life that seems to have already lasted a year. My daily life may have drastically changed now that I’ve temporarily moved to my parents’s home to quarantine comfortably, but I still spend quality time browsing through my notifications first thing in the morning. Upon opening Instagram today morning, I was flooded with posts about Adele’s new skinny body. What a drastic transformation, boy I am impressed! To be honest, Adele has always been talented, witty and gorgeous in my eyes. While I celebrate her hard work and discipline, I’ve spent whole day wondering if she is happy with the results. Don’t get me wrong, it’s her body, she should do whatever she feels like doing with it. But the soul in my size six, not-skinny body is wondering if following Adele’s path will finally give it the happiness and self-satisfaction that it has been longing for last 10 years.

 Flashback to my first boyfriend when I was probably 18, he was a gym -freak while I couldn’t care less to work out/eat healthy. Opposites attract I guess? We were best friends before we started dated, he was my cheer-leader and loved me for who I was. His attitude towards me tweaked a little now that I was his girl. That cheer-leader of mine started cheering me to hit the gym and workout, you know “just to be healthy.” That “cheering” slowly turned into strong suggestions after few months. And eventually, into pestering. Believe it or not, we had a big fight one time because I ate a banana at night! It goes like this - I couldn’t sleep due to my late-night food craving, so I ate a banana – healthiest snack that I could find in my kitchen. When I bragged to him about how proud I was of myself for skipping ice-cream for banana as my night snack, little did I know that it was going to start a dramatic as fuck fight. His POV was that bananas have lot of sugar and how I should have just curbed my craving and slept without eating anything instead.

 You know how beer is an acquired taste? I fell in love with beer when I was 23. I clearly remember that night with my friends, when all liquor shops were closed and the only alcoholic beverage available was beer from a 24/7 smoke shop. I think I drank nine Blue Moons the first time I properly drank beer (can’t stand them anymore TBH, my spoiled ass prefers craft beers). This is when I had just started my grad school. No one warned me about the weight gain that would be accelerated by drinking 6-pack of beer on a regular basis. My cues for drinking beer came up often – whenever I was homesick, or at a party (which happened often - we were in a business school), or when my toxic roommates did/said something to upset with me (which happened often too). Six months into the school, I had to fly to India to attend my distant cousins’ weddings. I was going to be in my hometown for 15 days and was looking forward to all the amazing Indian food. I made a fucking list, you know. I was also excited to meet all my relatives and friends after years. Oh how I wish I had lowered my expectations for this trip. Instead of hellos and hugs from my relatives and friends, first reaction I received from pretty much every person I interacted with was “oh, you have gained weight”, “oh my god, I couldn’t recognize you”, “you really need to do something about that weight.” To give you some context, I must have gained 11 lbs. I remember breaking down in front of my mom on Day 7, when she suggested we should go out for dinner. “I don’t deserve it,” I said.

 After graduation, I moved to New York City. Beauty of this is city is that is accepts you exactly the way you are with open arms. I cherry picked my people to ensure I weed out all the possible toxicity. Since I was starting on a fresh page, I made up my mind to work on all the aspects of my life that I’ve been upset by in past. Working out and losing those beer pounds were on top of my list. I eventually tricked myself into liking yoga, boxing and HIT workouts. I was feeling healthier and stronger, yes. I lost those beer pounds, yes. Was I eventually at content with my body, a fucking hard no. I was still not good enough for me. A very sad realization hit me, the toxicity I was running away from was deeply embedded in me already.

I am not size 4 yet - look at those Soho girls, why can’t I be as skinny as my friend – I want to wear dresses like her, can’t find swimsuits that flatter me – I hate my tits, I don’t want my pictures taken – I know I’m not going to like what I see, I don’t want to approach that boy – I am not skinny enough. How I’ve felt guilty every single time I’ve eaten a snack, or slice of pizza, hell even dinner. I’ve somehow developed a mindset that dictates I don’t deserve dinner because I’m not skinny enough. “I don’t eat after 8 pm” is what I say when I’m capable of skipping dinner without passing out. I’ve googled “workout to lose weight” too many times. I’ve had a mental breakdown when an outfit doesn’t fit me, too many times. I’ve slept hungry too many fucking times. The guilt that overtakes me now when I don’t workout has been an easy gateway to depression. I am sad to say my pant size is holding me back. I worry about it way too often, maybe every other day. When the truth is, I’ve been blessed with an extremely healthy body – which hasn’t slapped me back despite of my unhealthy and toxic habits (cigarettes, not eating veggies despite of being vegetarian, not eating enough actually). Instead of feeling utterly grateful, I criticize it with every breath that I take.

How do I stop criticizing my body so harshly? I know no one else in my current life has a strong opinion on the way I look. How do I stop feeling guilty every time I eat? No wonder I’ve skipped so many dinner parties with my friends, have not baked at home often, and have not fallen in love with cheese. No wonder I prefer layers when dressing up. Where do I go from here? For one Jameela Jamil’s body positive “I_Weigh” Instagram account, there are thousands of Kardashian and Jenner lookalikes preaching the idea of perfect body upon me. Maybe starving more and working out often will give me results that Adele achieved. But coming back to that, will that make me happy? 

[nicomacheannothing]

My birthday textwall...

Well, my birthday was yesterday. Unfortunately, it was also sort of one of those days. It wasn’t all bad, but having an off day on your birthday does suck a bit.  😓 

I overslept. That’s kind of what kicked off the unfortunate-ness. I didn't oversleep by too much, I was still out the door on time, but it was enough to make me rush around. When Austin texted me to let me know he was on his way to pick me up, I wasn’t even dressed yet. I had to take the dog with me too, so it was a mad dash to get everything together. Not the end of the world, just irritating. As I ran out the door though, I walked past the kitchen and noticed what looked like an unexpected cake sitting on the table... I didn’t have time to check it out, but this will become relevant later.  So I have the dog and I’m rushing out to Austin’s car and I find out that he overslept too. Like REALLY overslept: he was out of bed and out the door in 15 minutes. He was going to be editing with a client yesterday and had to be on time. He was frazzled as heck. When we got to work, he immediately got started on what he had to do. I was still a little frazzled too, but I figured that a rough morning was just a momentary blip and that things were bound to get better. I was wrong... Context: Alanis Morissette is going on that 25th Anniversary tour next year; everyone is talking about it haha. Austin’s mom, Leslye, is a huge Alanis Morissette fan and I mentioned to Austin that getting her tickets to the show in Detroit would make a good Christmas gift. Austin thought it would be cool to go as well, along with Mady and Julius, if they were interested. Ok. We decided to just talk to Leslye about it rather than making the tickets a gift. 6 people going to a concert requires planning. Presale tickets became available yesterday, so Austin and I talked to Leslye the night before to figure out how much she wanted to spend, etc. We wanted to know exactly what we were doing because we planned to snap up the tickets as soon as they went on sale at 11am. 

Like I said, Austin was going to be editing with a client at that time. I asked him if he wanted me to buy the tickets so that he wouldn’t have to stop in the middle of the edit. He said “no, I think I can do it. [Client] should understand”. I swear that’s exactly what he said. Austin is really picky about his entertainment experiences anyway, so I figured he’d want to pick the seats, etc. Once that conversation was over, I just stopped thinking about the tickets... Then, at noon yesterday, Austin runs into my office from the edit, freaking out. He said that he totally forgot about the tickets and that he meant to set an alarm to remind him, but he forgot to do that too. Then, he started barking at me saying “This shouldn’t have been on me, this shouldn’t have been on me!” implying that I had somehow unfairly saddled him with the responsibility of buying the tickets. I felt terrible. I was half hurt that he was yelling at me and half guilty that I didn’t just set my own reminder anyway in case he forgot. But he told me he could do it! Idk, I just felt like I had let him down in some way... 

We didn’t end up getting presale tickets. The actual sale starts in a couple days, so we might still be able to go. We looked at pictures of the venue, and the general admission lawn might not be so bad. The client we were working with might even have a connection that can help us... but Austin was so upset I really couldn't forget about it for the rest of the day... 😢 The ticket drama cut into our lunch break and so we were only able to grab McDonald's. The client wanted to eat with us. She’s nice, but she chews with her mouth open and she’s a Trump supporter. She kept saying weird things during lunch like throwing shade at people who are pale and/or skinny? And then she kept talking about how Trump was a hero for coming in and “draining the swamp”. Of course, I just had to smile and nod cause she’s a client. That, and she kept saying weird things like that and then offering to do really nice things like inviting Austin and I to use her cottage in the summer if we wanted a vacation? It was a very emotionally confusing time. 😕 The rest of the workday went by normally. I went back to Austin’s house, put on my new Killstar dress to get ready to go out. Austin got me a small gift: a little Kylo Ren lego guy and an electronic hand warmer, which was very thoughtful. It really seemed like things were going to get better.  BUT IT’S TIME FOR MORE CONTEXT! I think I mentioned in a previous post that my brother wasn’t going to make it home my birthday week.  He won’t be able to make it home at all until the 23rd, so my parents and I decided that we would just do birthday stuff without him. Tuesday (my actual birthday) is a really rough workday for my mom and she often isn’t even home until late, so we decided that we would go out to dinner and do cake and presents on Saturday. This was also going to work out because Leslye and Jerry wanted to take me to lunch, but couldn’t because of the client edit. They decided to take me to dinner instead. I double-checked with my dad Monday night to make sure that Saturday was still the day we were planning on doing birthday stuff. He said that was fine.  Before going to dinner with Austin and his parents, we had to swing by my house to drop off the dog. When I got there, my mom was unexpectedly home.  Crap, I felt bad that she was there and I was about to go to dinner without them. I thought about inviting them last minute, but they were already eating pizza when I got home. Crap! When I walked in, my mom asked if I had seen the cake. Um, no? We always do cake and presents together for birthday celebrations in my family. We have since I was born. Since we were celebrating on Saturday, I wasn’t expecting a cake on Tuesday. But my parents got one. A full-sized, fully decorated cake that I knew I would have no time to eat. That, and it wouldn’t be good on Saturday. If we wanted to celebrate normally on Saturday, my parents would have to get another one. We always but a particular type of cake from a local bakery and it’s delicious but expensive. There was no way I was going to be able to finish this one. It was really cute too, decorated with little dogs and cats. And like... Austin was waiting in the car for me as I stood there in the kitchen, so I felt like, not only was I running out on my parents, but I couldn’t even properly show appreciation for the cake and card that they got me. I felt so devastatingly terrible and confused. I didn’t know what to do. I just started feeling worse and worse knowing that Austin was waiting for me while I tried to figure out whether or not to just take the cake with me or leave it at home or what? I left the kitchen and went into the bathroom. I almost had a panic attack, but didn’t. I decided to just suck up my feelings and I took the cake with me. It needed to be refrigerated, but it was cold outside, so it would be ok to leave it in the car while we were at dinner. I cried in the car all the way to the restaurant because I felt horrible like I screwed everything up.  Dinner was ok. The food was REALLY good. We went to HopCat, so I got to have some good beer and their super awesome fries. I wanted to try to suck up my feelings again and just let things get better. Then, I was a little cold, so I put my jacket on. Austin asked me if I was cold and if I had brought the hand warmer he got me with me. I told him that it was at home with my bags. I was rushing out and it was still wrapped anyway! Plus, my shoulders were cold, not my hands. It didn’t matter though, he got all annoyed and I just started to feel horrible all over again. I really just felt like I was screwing up everything for everyone no matter how hard I tried.  Austin and I went back to his house after dinner... but I just felt like shit. I really, really wanted to just force myself to be happy, but I couldn’t. Austin and I just laid down on the floor of his living room and I grabbed some leftover punch that his mom had made for the party. I just drank some of it out of a mason jar and we listened to The National. That was the best part of the day, tbh. I realized that that was all I really wanted to do, just drink and talk and hang out. I really wish that Mady, Julius, and Shelby had been in town so maybe we could have just gone out and chilled. 😕

Austin and I also put his Christmas tree up! That was good too, even though I wasn’t exactly in the mood. We did it differently this year and used ornaments that Austin had received as gifts every Christmas since he was born. It was cool to see them all, especially the ornaments that he made himself as a kid. We ate some cake as well, ftr. 😋

So yeah, I guess everything turned out ok, but it was a pretty unfortunate day overall. I don’t really even feel like I had a Birthday. I guess they can’t all be happy. *shrug* I’m still kind of sad, but I’m trying to focus on the positive stuff. It was nice of my parents to get me a cake and dinner was good. I do really like Austin’s presents. And he got me tickets to see Star Wars when it comes out! Plus, I still have dinner with my folks on Saturday. Maybe the actual fun parts of my birthday are just going to be uhhh stretched out a bit. 😅And I have Christmas to look forward to. That’s what I’m going to go with.  Sorry about the text wall, just had to get all this off my chest. I have more t write about for sure, but that’ll be for tomorrow. Back to work for now!

[wishingfornever]

10/14/17 – No Contact:  Total Relapse

Current time is 1am.  I went to bed early last night.  Can’t remember my dream.  Ariel unloaded A BUNCH of fucking information on me.  Like… a lot.  I’d fill you in but it’s more personal stuff.

I really should go back to sleep.  Tomorrow, I’ll cook myself a couple of eggs.  Not scrambled.  Fried, I think.  The one where the yolks runny.  I made a big egg sandwich today using an ENTIRE can of corn.  The irony is that there was like… more corn than egg and then there was too much egg for a single sandwich, which I ate with spinach and cheese.

It’s… all I’ve eaten today.  And an apple.  Probably should eat more throughout the day.

Whatever. Tomorrow, I’ll make myself a sandwich with those fried eggs I was talking about.  Over easy, I think?  Never been good with food terms, I fear.  I’ll use my seasonings.  As soon as I’m done with that Himalayan pink salt, I’ll get some seasoned salt.  I can’t wait. I’ll make it tomorrow morning.  Which is technically today.  Right now.  We’ll need to go grocery shopping in a bit.  Probably today or tomorrow, seeing how it’s the weekend.  I’d want to get there early to actually get avocados.

HEB sucks at restocking.  Like… the avocados they had last week were fucking gross.

I… want to learn what to do to make slushies like you make. Unfortunately, I can’t ask you.  I guess I can ask in a month and a half.  And then you can block me.  El oh el.

Yeah, probably an accurate guess right now.  Regardless… I didn’t do my sets yesterday.  I’ve been trying to get my sleeping schedule to work again.  Been waking up and not going to bed.  Unfortunately… I basically took a nap.  I’m not that sleepy.  Maybe I can go to sleep soon?  But even then, I’ll try to wake up at 10.  I’ll talk to Adela and see if we can go shopping today.  I want to go there at about lunch, maybe.  Just while they still have shit.

I should be trying to sleeping.  Watching a video though.  It’s titled “It’s Too Quiet.”  You know… that’s an actual thing. My dad said that you could feel when you were about to be ambushed because it’s literally too quiet.  I think the reason is is because animals tend to avoid humans.  If it’s quiet, that means the birds aren’t leaving or moving because there has been someone there for a while.  Thus, they stay away.  People intentionally don’t make noise, so it’s just you in the middle of a jungle with stillness.

We’re always hearing.  It’s… maddening when you don’t hear.  The if it gets too quiet, you can hear your own blood run through your veins.  You use your senses at all times.  When one sense stops working then your brain panics.  For example, white room torture where everything you see is white because you’re in a white room with no colors and you’re only fed white rice.  It’s a torture that lasts LONG after it’s over.

I think sometime this week, I’ll order myself a pizza.  I want to get it with ham but it’ll just be pineapple.  Oh, I’m sorry.  Did I stop talking about torture and blood and ambushes to talk about how hungry I am?

Kidding.  I got that gal from yesterday a pizza.  Now I want a pizza for myself.  I wonder if Pizza Hut finally learned that we’re in their district.  If not, there is always PizzaFino.  That’s probably Italian for Fine Pizza.  Sounds like something that’d happen.  Considering it’s a Latin language, I wouldn’t doubt it.  English is technically Latin but it’s also German.  That sucks because instead of having the best of both languages, we have the worst.  Foreign.  You don’t pronounce the g. I HATE words with silent letters.  Like… seriously?  Why do you need a silent letter?  It doesn’t change how the word is pronounced. Maybe it used to be pronounced for-ayg-in. Like…  Foreagan.  Hrm…  Possible name origin?  If that’s the case, why’d we stop saying the “G”?  I don’t know… Language is weird.  It evolves with the population and culture.  You know, Korean’s written language was supposed to be written by a linguist.  Thus, you could hypothetically learn how to read in Korean in a day.  What it means?  Can’t tell you.  Makes me wonder who the hell came up with writing the other languages like Kanji and shit. That was not written by a linguist, it was written by the clone of Hermann Fucking Goering.

It’s a joke.  Hermann Goering was German, obviously he didn’t write Kanji.  And Kanji was written before Hermann Goering was born, so obviously it’d be older than his clone.  See?  I’m so funny.  At least I would be if I didn’t steal the original quote.  Whelp!

Anyways… I didn’t call my dad yesterday.  Or Starbucks.  I have a terrible work ethic.  Maybe today, hopefully after I wake up at a decent time. I wanted to rewrite the chapter but I was so sleepy throughout most of the day that it’s literally bad if I try to write.  I need to be awake (sort of like now) or otherwise things will turn to crap.

My dad used to have a teepee.  He was part of a group called Mountain Men who basically longed for the days where it was frontier.  Not the settlers traveling by wagon but before that with frontiersmen.  That flintlock rifle above the kitchen he used in some events.  “Bringing home the bacon” comes from one such historical event where they win like a bucket of bacon by shooting a rope.

I remember when I was younger.  I remember the crispy marshmallows and campfires.  Cast iron pots and pans.  His teepee had this long snake wrapping around the outside.  A lot of bearded old folks in tanned leathers.

Current time… 4:30.  Still sleepy.  I’ve spent most of the previous 24 hours in bed.  I was hoping to wake up at 10am but I overshot my intended goal by six hours.  Still… sleepy.  I’m having a hard time resetting my sleep schedule.  It was better in California when everything went down.  Not because I was being good but because my family let me be.  Then my sister and dad kept insisting I join them for their reindeer games which takes FOR GOD DAMN EVER.

I’m not bitter, not trying to insinuate anything.  Well, maybe a little bit.  Because I tried going to bed at 11pm while I was there. Accounting for jet lag?  That’d be… 1am.  Thing is Janis kept trying to get me to stay up.  Saying she’s never there.  Then when I told her I wanted to go to bed she’d be like, “Boohoo, I never sleep ever.”

You know that sort of bullshit.

Regardless, I think I’m relapsing.  I miss my upswing surge but that’s passing now.  I wish I took more advantage of it.  Honestly, I had hoped I wouldn’t need therapy because of it.  I guess I’ll still need it… or medication which I’ve completely been ignoring. Maybe I should get on that again.  Use the Attend stuff.  Hrm…

I had a series of dreams last night.  One of them involved me living life through your eyes at Dennis’s.  Of course, it could have been Dennis I was living through but I spoke to your mom during the dream so I think it was you.  It was a little awkward feeling.  I think that feeling, however, is just my predetermination of what you must be feeling thus is my own bias.  The dream that followed involved a hospital and my Marxist friend who got pregnant recently.  There was also a lady cop there.

It ended with my dad and I driving through old towns and stopping at antique stores.  That was the most dramatic of the dreams for some reason.  Not because of my dad, but because I ended up sleeping with someone who constantly tried to get you out of my life.  Moving on. There was more but I can’t remember…

Huh… I realized something.  I’m sleeping on your side of the bed… I’m going to experiment tonight and see if I sleep better by switching sides.  I’ll keep this in mind today.

When you called yourself a whore… that haunts me.  I can’t get over it.  You said it was true.  It’s not.  You’re so hard on yourself.  And you wonder why I was trying to keep you motivated.  I worry about you.  Because I love you.  I love you unconditionally. Even if I completely move on, years from now you could show up at my door and ask for help and I’d help.

It’s my character.  I told you this before.  You’d REALLY have to fuck up to have me cut you out of my life.

What about Dennis then?

Yeah, well you don’t seem to understand what he did that upset me.  And even then, I tried to give him a chance to apologize.  With my niece, when she screwed me over, I publicly shamed her.  I haven’t done that with Dennis.  That’s my nature.  I will publicly shame someone who I think is a parasite.

You’re ignorant.  You’re naive.  You’ve fucked up, but you’re not a monster.  I know you… it may not seem like I listen but, I listen more than you know.

I hope reading this journal doesn’t make you feel bad.  I feel like it’ll make you angry rather than guilty, tbh (guess I don’t know you that well if I’m so uncertain; lol) but know it’s not my intention.

I got nothing done today.  I should probably just… roll with it. Like, I said I was more awake last night after a dumb little nap. Maybe I should just write at night and sleep throughout the day.  I could always get sleeping pills, too.  Something that’s not organic to force me to sleep.

I haven’t done my sets in a while.  Haven’t had a shower for a while too.

Ugh… this is a familiar feeling.  Negative thoughts tend to overwhelm me. The smallest things need the most extreme solutions… and I mean most extreme.  ><  Christ, I’m isolating myself again.  About two hours ago, Adela asked if I were alright.  I just said I was fine.  I have yet to leave bed today.  She walked Max without me. Currently 9pm.

Just went to the bathroom…  I should probably drink more water.  Yeah, I think my body might be pretty dehydrated.  :/

What if that’s why I’m depressed?  I’m only sad because I don’t drink enough water.  It’d explain why I get so depressed during the summer.  Because I’m always sweating and it’s hot and I’m miserable.  But it’s not hot here.  I haven’t drank as much water as I was hoping to.  I have, however, cooked more.  I mean… I am hungry now but I don’t want to go get food.

Eh…. Well, that’s one way to lose weight.

I’ll probably cook myself something in a bit.  Refill my water bottle. Then clean my room.  Then maybe write.  Of course, I told Shane I’d be available today.  I guess not.  So… feeling like a piece of shit right now.  :/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DrpmXtpFtw

If you open the link, you’ll discover that it’s not a song.  Not this time.  Rather, it’s confronting a problem in Hollywood.  Just finding out about it.  Guess I should probably pay more attention to the news.  I really have no clue what’s happening right now. However, this video talks about something that’s happened to you.

You claimed you consented by letting it happen.  You tend to reference fight or flight a lot.  With Mark and Dennis, you consented because you allowed it and because you didn’t fight or run away.  Turns out, it’s not just fight or flight.  So, yeah.  You don’t need to justify that shit.  So fucking don’t.  Don’t try to justify their actions with your submission.  Admittedly, you confronted Mark but you haven’t confronted Dennis.  I guess you feel like you cheated on me with Dennis, but the way you put it… he and Mark are no different.

Dennis is a piece of shit.

Maybe when this is all over, you can.  Whether we connect or not, it’s irrelevant.

Sorry. Serious topic, I know.  I’ll just blame this all on myself again. ><

Anyways… Current time is 11pm.  Just made myself breakfast.  Two fried eggs in a sandwich.  Two slices of Swiss and a ketchup drizzle.

It wasn’t as good as I thought it would be.  Not because it’s bad but because I’m bad at cooking.  My hands are clumsy.  Couldn’t flip the egg very well.  I like it when the yolk is running but… it would appear that I’m not very good at working a spatula.  I basically broke the yolk twice.  First time was because I cracked the egg poorly.  So, it came fucked up.  Second time?  I failed at flipping.

Then I put too much garlic on it.  Was good but was kind of salty from it. I know I didn’t put too much salt on it because I had to twist it as I cooked it.  I felt pressured and rushed, so quality suffered. Not to imply that it was going to be great before.  That said, Swiss cheese is kind of… losing it’s charm.  I used to actually enjoy it.  When I was younger I didn’t.  Now?  Since I stopped eating meat?  It’s become dull.  I don’t know, I guess I’ll start eating it with other cheeses.  Like cheddar, which you and Adela don’t seem to like.  Not sure why.

She made sure to mention that the Mexican four cheese shredded cheese pack or whatever the hell it’s called isn’t Mexican because of the cheddar.  She emphasized how they only use white cheese in Mexico and I told her, “Well, I’m not making quesadillas with it.”  I intended mix it with some veggies.  Of which, I probably use too much of it.

Eh… Monterrey Jack is a viable option.  I might make myself some more eggs later.  I’ll have to do the dishes though.  Or something.  I don’t know, I’ll probably have some peas and carrots later with an apple.  I might have an apple now.  Then I need to organize my room.  Living out of my suitcase is fun.  Not sure if that’s sarcasm, yet.

I brought a lot of clothes.  Obviously, I’m here for a while.  Right now, they’re in a hamper.  A clean hamper, mind you.  There is a dirty hamper too.  We purchased a light net hamper thing while we were in California.  You didn’t take it… so it’s mine now!  HA HA!!!  >:D

Seriously, though.  It folded and fit so nicely.  Great for travel.  I’m glad we got it.

These apples… are so sweet.  The first bite is like candy.  And the shelf life is incredible.  I think I mentioned it before, but they’re great.  They didn’t even have to be sweet, they just had to last to impress me.  Above and beyond the call of duty, right?

Eh… maybe not so much.  I’m feeling better.  I’ll organize a bit and then take a shower, maybe.  Then write.  Maybe take a nap later on. Try to wake up early and go grocery shopping with Adela.  I wonder if the Attend will help.  I haven’t touched it since I got here, so… yeah.  Might be worth taking.