#and still hurting over losing most of the amazing people I work with last year

[zalia]

See here's the thing with the Bungie layoffs. Either Pete Parsons' work as CEO is valuable enough to warrant his paycheque, in which case he has catastrophically failed at his job with this and should be laid off, or it isn't valuable enough to warrant his paycheque and he should not be employed. And that goes for executives of the same level for basically all the big game studios!

Layoffs should be seen as a massive failure of their leadership and they should be first on the chopping block. No bonuses, no golden handshakes to leave. They FAILED AT THEIR JOBS.

But no, their already rich asses get to keep their 'jobs' while the people who actually do the work (including fucking Robert Brookes what the *hell* Bungie?!?!) get laid off. After their most successful expansion. I'm fucking disgusted.

[petew21-blog]

Am I evil? Stone swap Pt.1

Inspired by Viceversa and his last Stone of change story that stopped on a beach. Hope you like it. I used to write stories, but got my account banned few years ago. So I figured I might get back to it again. Hope you enjoy

I always thought of myself as a good guy. But now I have to think hard about that. Is causing a massive and chaotic body swap a good thing?

Let me explain

There was this stone passed by people around the town that caused them to switch bodies. I got my hands on it as the last person on a beach one day, after it caused a great chaos. Thanks to some dumb luck I just swapped bodies with my friend, Mark. We were also shocked as everybody else, but we were the lucky ones that were left with the stone.

Then we made a deal. We would only use the stone while both of us were present and only if we could get the stone and our bodies back. Well, that's what I fucked up.

The Imagine Dragons came to town. I went to the concert, Mark was out of town. Obviously, I didn't leave the stone back in the appartement. I just couldn't pass the chance.

I mean. Just look at him. The body. The biceps. The abs. Who could say no?

So when Dan, the singer, came to me and included the stone in their show as a totem that would be passed by the crowd, I knew I would never ever see it again.

And after that I fainted. The last thing I saw was Dan looking confused and sleepy.

All I can say is that "chaos" can't even describe what happened after. But I made my way away from the stage. From the sleeping band and I headed with my bare torso through the backstag. Never looking back.

It's so great to see Dan in my own mirror of the bathroom. See him copying all my moves. Nah. That's me now.

And the voice. I touch my throat, forcing words out in this incredibly manly voice. My left hand stays on my throat, the other is touching my new defined pecs, slowly continuing to my beautiful pecs. A monster in my pants is getting bigger and harder.

I slid the pants down and grab it. "God damn" he is so fucking hung. I jerk furiously looking at my new image and just smile. I can't stop laughing how lucky I am. I pick up the pace

"This body is amazing! I'm so fucking sexy"

I cum all over my bathroom mirror. Exhausted from this little work out, I just stood there with my new dick in hand.

That's when Mark came back in

"What the fuck have you done?! You caused thousands of people to swap bodies. It made the news. A lot of people got hurt because of you!!! What were you thinking?" Mark screamed at me

I have no words. What have I done?! I wasn't really thinking what worst could happen. I just wanted Dan's body. Not to hurt anyone. That is the most evil thing I have ever done.

And now I am this incredibly hot man, covered in cum. Yeah, fuck that. I may have actually helped a lot of people get their dream bodies.

So, no. I won't be mad at myself. And I won't let Mark scream at me. He is definitely pissed at me more for losing the stone rather than causing the chaos. He is still in the body of his much older professor and that might be the issue. I don't know what is his problem. His body is hot and that's all that matters. Maybe I could show him just how hot the two of us look together fucking each other in front of a mirror

I am Dan now, and I won't ever regret the choice I made today.

I am hot. I am sexy. And I am never giving up this body.

Now, let's fuck this professor

[antbitez]

i hate berlermo.

okay, HEAR ME OUT FIRST!! do i hate the ship? yes. absolutely. does that stop me thinking about them every second of the day? no. i am in so much pain help me.

want to start with talking about berlin. he is a straight man. martín was NOT his bisexual awakening or something. he. is. a. straight. man. they could not work and berlin made that very clear on multiple occassions. he is also an egomaniac. he has so many disorders, and while i dont want to portray him as some heartless monster (because he isn't!! he cares about himself but that doesn't mean he doesnt care about others too!), i find it hard to believe he didn't keep palermo around to mess with him.

the kiss scene between andrés and martín is the root of a large majority of martíns issues. we see throughout the series that palermo is withdraw from his emotions and love, he has attatchment issues, and he has not moved on from berlin even two years later. he hasnt let himself recover from his death, and his loss of a hopeless, unobtainable love. when berlin kissed him, they both knew that would be the last they saw of eachother. they both knew berlin was willing to let himself die (both because of his illness and his love for his brother) during the heist. it left palermo with false hope, that maybe something could have come from it. but there never could have! that is their last interaction, and that is the last thought he leaves with martín. i wholly believe berlin was fully aware what that would do to him, and left with that as a little "you won't be forgetting me :)" because everything with berlin is Him Him Him. without the kiss, martín would have been able to heal so much quicker and easier.

palermo doesn't start to heal until two years later, when he gets involved in the bank heist. up until that point he blames sergio for the "love of his life"s death, but slowly comes to realise that this group of people that berlin died for are the most caring people. he begins to understand it. they are hurt, they have losed loved ones too, they are risking everything for a loved one. they are so much like him. does he make mistakes? YES! so does everyone in the group, but it is in his nature to stir trouble when he doesn't get his way. did his actions have awful consequences because of that? unfortunately, yes! but he regrets them. he is forgiven, even by those he probably shouldn't be forgiven by!

by the end martín is so much more in touch with his emotions, he realises that he doesnt have to settle for unobtainable love, and he can be loved unconditionally. he went into the bank heist for berlin, but came out of it with so much more. palermo would not have been in the place he was in by the end of it if andrés was still around.

money heist was so refreshing to watch as a queer person. queer relationships were not perfect. i understand the appeal of berlermo, i really do, but they are so unhealthy. i understand the need to cling onto any sort of gay rep because its so scarse in mainstream media, but there is so many queer stories in this show, and none of them are appreciated as much as berlermo, which i find kinda weird!! why is a relationship with a gay man and a straight man more adored than helsinki and palermo? two gay men who helped eachother through SO MUCH! what about the beautiful platonic soulmate relationship between helsinki and nairobi? what about the amazing transwoman, who was such a genuine representation of some trans struggles? please stop prioritising the cishet in queer stories. berlin is so important to so many characters, especially martín, but him as a love interest to martín shouldn't be the main focus in his story, because his whole arc was getting over him and moving on. in reality, he made martín the most unhappiest he had ever been.

[miszswan]

PEOPLE YOU KNOW - ii.

part 1

yall...i'm sorry about the length of this <3

It had been fifteen months. Fifteen months since she’d last seen him. Fifteen months since she gave up. Fifteen months since she finally chose herself.

If you were to ask Amiria when the horrible painful part of their relationship started, she could definitely say a year and a half into it.

She started noticing the slight increase in jealousy and possessiveness when she started booking more roles and traveled more. From Vancouver to London, a whole year where she wasn’t in the same place for long periods of time. Meeting new people, becoming close with many too.

Jack must’ve snapped because next thing she knew… she’d see clips of him dancing with other women on Instagram. She’d always confront him but eventually the apologies and promises became meaningless.

From FaceTimes of I love yous’, laughs and tales to FaceTimes that ended in tears, heartbreak and manipulation.

Amiria used to think that one day things would get better but overtime that became harder to believe. Somehow she found herself booking last minute flights to see his shows, spend a night with him and she’d return to work feeling more emotionally drained than before, all because he put the idea into her head that it was her fault that they were constantly arguing. So she tried her best to make it up to him.

Meanwhile it was never her fault. It was always his.

Time after time she’d risk her job and career for a man that would never put any effort into coming to her, times where Neelam, Urban, Clay, Sunni hell even Druski would come visit her on set. To see her in her prime. Not even when they were in the same city, he’d never come.

If there was one thing that Amiria Campbell hated about herself would definitely be how much hope she always had, how kind and thoughtful she was. Those were things that prevented her from seeing that this relationship was a losing game.

When they first met it was amazing, picnic dates every week, movie nights every month, wonderful memories filling the years.

It was honestly embarrassing that she had any more hope when she woke up the morning after and went to set. Found herself throwing up during her lunch break. Thinking that Jack would finally change due to the idea of a baby in the near future.

But she was proven wrong again.

While it was a spontaneous decision she left and hasn’t looked back since.

Did it take a while to get over him?

Yes?

Is she still hurting?

Also yes.

At times if she thinks about it too much she may find herself tearing up randomly but mostly the thing that triggered it the most would unfortunately but not surprisingly, her daughter.

Ani Maiah Margaret Campbell was absolutely perfect. She had the tint of Māori in her skin while bearing her fathers piercing blue eyes. With a mop of curls, courtesy of her father that were as brown as her mothers locks. The most perfect tiny hands and most adorable laugh.

She was the perfect creation of her and Jack. Whether she was planned or not. She was the Pandora’s box to all of her mothers good and bad memories of him.

But for the sake of her future and her daughters’ she had to erase the man from her heart and mind. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. She’d heal over time and rise like a phoenix from the ashes stronger than ever.

Every film and tv series she’d filmed over the past few years had been absolutely worth it.

So now a day had come. One of many. Amiria was honestly finding it very hard to sleep because of all the excitement for the premiere in a couple hours. While her mother and 6 month old daughter we’re having no trouble at all.

The three had flown to New York City a week prior for the premiere of Stranger Things Season 4.

Aroha Campbell had only heard her daughters rambles about being absolutely thrilled for everyone to see what they’d been working on for the past three years or her granddaughter trying to speak which often resulted in a bunch of random babbles and noises.

After spending a few weeks in Bunbury, Amiria returned to Atlanta accompanied by her mother who insisted on moving in with her for sometime. Aroha and Stephen knew thier would push everything… including her career aside to take care of her baby. They also knew how long and how hard she had to work to get to where she was and that if she took this long break it would be even harder to go further.

That’s how it’s been since April the previous year and Amiria couldn’t be more grateful for her parents. Ani was the most easy going baby and it was absolutely perfect, especially after everything Ami had gone through.

So now the three are in a hotel room in New York City. Her co stars in neighbouring rooms waiting for their stylists to arrive and prepare them for the red carpet.

Amiria slowly pulls her fingers out of her baby’s tiny hand and gets out of bed. After freshening up she quickly gives her daughter a bath and dresses her up.

Just as she gets a bottle of milk out of the mini fridge she hears a knock at the door.

“Morning Mrs Campbell.” Amiria hears the sound of her best friend greet her mother. “Good morning to the hottest most amazing single mom I know.” Camila adds on as she gets closer to the mother and daughter.

The moment Ani recognises the familiar face, her arms stretch up in efforts to reach her. “Good morning princess.” Camila coos as she tickles the babies stomach.

Ani let’s out a symphony of giggles that make the three women smile. Camila hands the ice coffee and chocolate croissant to her friend.

“You are a goddess.” Amiria praises her as she takes a sip of the cold drink.

“How did the princess sleep?”

“She was quiet.”

“As usual.” Camila mentions making Amiria snicker as she straps on her babies dipper.

“Thank you for going easy on your mother. She’s had a lot of sh-“ Amiria send her a look towards the end. “Stuff to deal with over the past year.”

“Nice save.” Amiria teases as she puts on the pink one piece onto Ani.

“But seriously I’m happy that she isn’t a lot to deal with. Not like he who shall not be named.” Camila rambles while Amiria makes funny faces to stop Ani from squirming.

After months of not seeing him. Hearing Camila ramble about her hatred for him was honestly one of the most entertaining things she had done. It honestly just made Amiria laugh.

“I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a year so he really shouldn’t matter anymore”

“Except he does. He’s still Ani’s father and one day she will ask questions about him. I mean you still talk to his mom, dad, Clay. I’m just surprised you didn’t run into him at the met gala a few weeks ago.”

“I know but I’m just avoiding the inevitable.”

“Which is?” Camila says wanting to hear Amiria admit it.

“Someday I’ll have to see him again.” She responds as she gently brushes her daughters hair.

“Which might been sooner than you think.” The moment the words left her mouth Amira paused. “Me knowing you, you’re going to invite the Harlow’s and if they come he surely will.”

Amiria had taken a low of time planning everything to the point where she knew that he wouldn’t be in Atlanta during that time.

“He won’t be in Atlanta or anywhere close to my house in a week Cam.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“He’s never given a shit about my family’s traditions. His family always mattered more, no matter the occasion or the holiday.” Amira assures her best friend. “Besides he has a couple shows in New York and LA.”

“Wait doesn’t that mean he’s in the same city as us-“ Camila starts before the two hear the door close and Aroha Campbell stands in the door frame with the bottle of milk in her hands.

As Campbell women spend a few minutes talking while Camilla plays with her Goddaughter, Amiria returns with the bottle. She takes her baby into her arms and the child begins to suck on the bottle.

“If I run into him, I’ll deal with it.” The words that come out of Amiria’s mouth catch Camila off guard.

Mainly because she’d gotten used to her best friend avoiding him at all possible moments. She was even shocked that she didn’t run into him at the Met Gala considering it wasn’t hard not to. Knowing Ami she probably ducked and dived, took the iconic mirror selfie and left with her head held high.

“I can take care of him if you need me to. I just need to yell at him in Portuguese and he will run away.” Camila offers as Ani continues to gently drink her milk. The baby’s eyes are closed and her mother watches her daughter with a look on none other than complete adoration.

“I can’t hide from him forever so I might as well acknowledge the fact that I will see him again one day. I’m still friends with Neelam and Urban, Druski and the rest of PG. So when I do I’ll deal with it then and make sure he stays the away from me and my family.”

As Amiria finishes her sentence, her daughter finishes the bottle. “We don’t need him, we’ll be okay taku iti. I’ll always protect you”

***

After many hours of getting ready ( outfit without the necklace and earrings) and putting Ani to sleep so she wouldn’t cry when she realized it was only her grandmother and her in the hotel room for the next several hours, Amiria finally hit the red carpet.

With her signature blinding smile she poses for every photographer in her presence. Then she does a few interviews and after a few minutes of autographs, meeting fans and hugging her co-stars she reaches her last interview.

“Amiria Campbell looking stunning as ever.” The interviewer greets the actress with a smile who does a little twirl. “Really sets the tone for this season? You've got to describe it for us.”

“All I can say is questions will be answered but more questions will be created too.”

“Does this apply to Manny too?”

Amiria purses her lips as she tries to think of an answer that doesn’t include spoilers. “In a way it does but you’ll just have to wait to find out.”

“Can’t wait but this is a big year for you. You’re set to star along side Tom Cruise and Miles Teller in Top Gun: Maverick which is a sequel to its iconic predecessor from the 80s, Yellowjackets was renewed for season 2, you wrote and are staring in a show for the MCU and you had a daughter only a couple months ago. You are doing it all.” The interviewer rambles making Amiria let out a laugh.

“It was a lot I’m not going to lie but I’ve had my family by my side through it all.”

“Will we ever find out who the clearly wonderful father of you beautiful daughter is?” For a split second the smile on her face faltered while a clear sudden look of despair fills her eyes but she quickly brightens them both up and continues.

“Give it like a decade so I can really surprise everyone. That’s the goal.” She ends off her little tease with a nod that she hopes is convincing.

She couldn’t let people ever find out. Not only did she feel embarrassed but she wanted to keep Jack Harlow and her family name away for as long as she possibly could.

“He must be very proud of you. He must be cheering you on from home” Her smile falters again but she picks it up again.

“He is.”

No he isn’t and he never would.

“Have a good night Amiria. We’re rooting for a happy Manaia Thompson this season.” The interviewer says as Amiria walks away.

***

Hours later, the episode had ended and the cast and crew were at the after party. Amiria had just come back from making a tiktok with Noah, Caleb and their sisters when she decided to go outside for a breather.

The night had been magical to say the least but Millie, Joseph along with the rest of her cast mates had noticed something was off.

Camila and Joseph were looking for her when the former found her in the parking lot sitting on the bench.

She slowly approaches her best friend, Camila frowns when she hears the familiar sniffs as she gets closer.

The moment Camila sat down beside her Amiria quickly wiped away the tears.

“Oh honey.” The Brazilian says as she pulls her into a side hug.

“I hate that I have to tell Ani one day that her father didn’t give a shit about her.” That sentence alone makes Camila tense up. “The whole world thinks we’re happy living this suburban parent lifestyle with a white picket fence and all that corny stuff.”

“I know you want that corny stuff honey.”

“I really wanted that. I don’t know what hurts more the fact that I let Jack break my heart so many times or the fact that one day, when my daughter is old enough, her father will break her heart. I don’t want her to end up like me.” Amiria continues to sob making Camila place a gentle kiss on top of her head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Going from the pride and joy of your whole neighbourhood to not even seeing it for 2 years because you kept going back to the same person who I let walk over me over and over, being treated like crap over and over. Cutting off your closest friends and family because you thought you knew the real him.” Amiria rambles as the many memories flood her brain. Who knew that a single question would cause everything to crumble? “I don’t want Ani to end up like me or Jack. My mom, dad or grandparents are much better candidates in my family tree.”

Camila was shocked to say the least. She takes Amirias face in her hands and wipes the streaks of mascara away with her thumbs. “First of all. Never say that bullshit again. You Amiria Imogen Maiah Campbell are the strongest person I’ve ever known. Ani would be lucky hell she’d be blessed to end up like you. You know why?” Amiria shakes her head as she sniffs gently.

“You fought for love my dear. Not just love but the future you wanted. You’ve grown so much. I remember you rambling to me after we went to that one film festival about how Oncology didn’t feel like your calling anymore how you would like to do something else with your life. I also remember how scared you were to tell your parents the truth but they were proud of you regardless. They still are or else they wouldn’t be flying half way across the world to be with you in a few days. You’re a single mother, you’re booked and busy, a show you wrote, starred and directed is coming out in a few months. The list goes on but babe! Come on, you’ve accomplished so much more than some of our fellow actors have in their 10 years in the industry. I can practically smell your Oscar!”

Amiria laughs as her best friends words materialise into the more brighter memories of the part few years. The ones without Jack. The ones where she would bring her film camera to work and take pictures with her cast mates. The ones where she’d put on her headphones and spend hours on her laptop writing the script she’d only dreamt about as a kid. The ones where she’d be with Urban, Druski or Neelam and she’d just found out she got nominated for her first Emmy and many other awards. The special moment where she first held her daughter despite the traumatic hours before.

All those good memories meant something.

“You are a badass Ames, never forget that. It’s not and it never will be your fault that you lost your fight for love. Jack never has and never will deserve you. He’ll never deserve that large ass heart of yours. If, no when Ani turns out like you, the world will become a thousand times better. I promise you.” Camila adds on making her lips upturn into a sweet smile. “One day you will find that person who will make you feel a hundred times better than that asshole. You’ll have the wedding of your dreams, the honeymoon of your dreams and you two will raise another badass and maybe have a few more. Whatever you chose to do, your future is bright babe. Got it?”

“Got it. Thanks Cam.”

“Always. I love you girl. I’ll always have your back.”

“Love you too.”

“Let’s get you freshened up because I think Noah wants to make more TikTok’s.” The two women stand up, link arms and walk back inside.

Just as they reach the bathroom, Amiria realises she left her phone on the bench and Camila offers to go get it.

She never expects to see him there.

There he stands, holding his exes phone in his hand, staring at the lock screen which is of Amiria and Ani. The mother holds the baby in her arms and the baby girl reaches for the stars with a gumless smile while Amiria shines her signature Peary grin. If Camila wasn’t radiating rage that was hotter than the fiery gates of hell she would've asked herself if she just saw Jackman tear up slightly.

He backs away slowly when he notices she’s there.

“This is a private event Jackman. What the fuck are you doing here.”

“I just want to talk to her.” He pleads.

“Absolutely not. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away.”

“Camila please. I just want to fix things, that’s all I want.”

“You think I give a damn about what you want. It’s always been about you. It’s been over a year and you’re still the same narcissistic asshole.” She pinches the bridge of her nose. “Can’t you for one second stop and maybe consider the fact that maybe she isn’t ready to see you or doesn’t even want to.”

“I have to make things right. I want to be there for her and A-“

“You of all people don’t get to say her name besides why did it take fifteen months for you to come to your senses? Is it because you don’t want the world to one day find out that you’re a fucking dead beat?”

“No, I’ve been trying to reach out for months but she’s blocked me on everything and I don’t blame her.”

“You really have some nerve.” Camila scoffs. “Give me the phone and if you ever truly cared about her, you’ll stay away.” She says as she snatches the red covered phone out of his hands and makes her way back to the door.

“I love her! And I’ll never forgive myself for everything that I did to her while we were together. I just need her to even look at me or say something. I wanna hold or just see my daughter not just a picture of her. We haven’t been apart for this long and it’s driving me insane Camila.”

“You had two out of the three years you two were together to fix yourself. At least now you know how she felt.”

“Camila please, I know she’s having her family tradition thing next week.”

“You never gave a damn about her family’s traditions.”

“I know my parents and Clay are going.”

“But you somehow didn’t make the invite list.” She mentions with sarcasm laced in her voice. “It’s a really important day for her and Ani.”

Vivid memories of Amiria rambling about her favorite traditions come to his mind but they’re all a blur because he never paid any attention.

He knew that if he wanted to get on Amiria’s good side again he’d have to play his cards right.

And her best friend wanting to murder him right now was definitely not the way to do it.

“Just tell her I’m sorry.”

“You can say it to her yourself when she actually wants to see you, until then. Stay away.”

With those last words Camila Mendes marches back through the door. As she gets closer to the main hall where everything was happening she can’t help but let her mind wonder.

She knew that one day Amiria would have to let Jack back into her life. She just hoped that no one would pressure her into it.

Once she’s back in the room where everyone is conversing in meaningless banter she spots Amiria, Gaten, Maya, Noah, Caleb and their sisters filming another Tiktok.

She chuckles as she makes her way to the group of seven.

Amiria notices her best friends pressence behind her and quickly walks towards her.

“What took you so long? You missed our song.”

Camila knew lying to Amiria now would get her no where. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Are you okay?” Amiria asks noticing the change in her friends mood since she saw her ten minutes ago.

“I’m fine Ames, let’s go ask the DJ to play our song again.” With that the two women link arms and walk towards him.

Sooo that was part two

Damn it, that was a lot😭😭

I’ll try make the next part shorter unless y’all don’t mind the long chapters?

Please let me know 🫶🏾

Anywhoo hope you enjoyed

Masterlist

taglist

*let me know if you want to be added*

@a-moment-captured

@iheartharlow

@iikximii

@fashphotolife

@sluttywh0r3forw0m4n

@msliz

@jackierose902109

@gassyandsassy1

@awhoere4more 

@rio-lover 

@unfuckwitabella 

@longingtobewithu 

@fulla02

[oldiesstationlover11607]

Am I supposed to be impressed? - Frank Iero + Gerard Way x Reader

Pairing: Platonic Frank Iero + partner Gerard Way x Reader

Warnings: Strong language - angst

Word Count: 805

“You’ve still got it Gee!” I smile, jumping around playing the guitar riff to Bulletproof Heart. Mikey comes up behind me playing his bass, nodding at me and grinning. Danger Days was my favorite album we released. Mikey and I were always super close back in the day, hanging out whenever we had free time on tour.

“Away from here!” Gerard sings, finishing the song and most importantly, our soundcheck. 

“That was epic. The fans are gonna go crazy when they hear us,” Frank puts down his guitar and walks around the stage. We all know that both the fans and us are going to have fun, we’ve waited over 6 years for this to finally happen. Walking across the stage he connects his phone to our bluetooth speaker, putting on Revenge, the album that reminded me of him the most. In all honesty, Frank and I were the closest when the band was still together. We went on little adventures wherever we toured and worked together the most when writing. 

“Frank! Hey, uh. Can we talk?” I ask looking back to see Gerard helping Mikey with his amps. 

“Okay,” he turns to look at me, still sitting on the edge of the stage. 

“I just–I’m glad we’re back together. I missed hanging out with you.” I join him on the floor turning to face him. He looks pissed off at me. Like I did something unforgivable. “I went to some of your shows with Gee. We think your music is really great.” It was. His music was amazing. Frank’s own thing that really showed how he felt. 

“Am I supposed to be impressed?” He snaps at me like I said something wrong. Honestly the last thing that I wanted to happen was for me to lose Frank. He was my best friend, I didn’t want to lose my best friend. 

“Don’t talk to her like that man,” Gerard comes up behind me and rubs my shoulders. 

“Maybe just give us some space Gee.” I rub his leg and he leans down for a kiss which I return. 

“I love you,” he whispers into my ear before disappearing to the greenroom. 

“What the fuck is your problem Frank?!” I shout after making sure no one can see us. 

“You’re my fucking problem. I fucking liked you. I loved you. And out of all the people out there, you just had to…” he shouts back at me, “You just had to fall in love with him. Out of all. The fucking. People.”

“You’re a dick Frank. You know I liked you and you did nothing about it. It is not my fault that Gee decided he wanted to get to fucking know me better. I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings,” I move to leave but he grabs onto my arm. 

“Don’t leave!” he bursts, “I missed my chance I clearly fucking understand that. I’m sorry that I’m so pissy about it but fuck, I miss being your friend.” I miss being his friend too. I miss spending time with him. I miss laughing at him everytime he broke a bone or made out with Gerard on stage. 

“Can we just go back to normal? Please? You’re my best friend Frank and I love that but I also love Gerard and we’ve done really well over these last few years.”

“We can go back to normal. But I’m not putting up with you kissing him. I swear if I see anything.” He raises a hand at me in warning. 

“You won’t,” I laugh. 

“Ray ordered pizza if you guys want to come back and have some,” Mikey pops out from backstage. Frank immediately stands up excited yelling, “Pizza!”

//

Requests open!

[whoops-im-obsessed]

Tagged by @radioactivepigeons - thanks so much for the tag, this is so fun!!!

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason.*

First Fic - God, I think my first fic was some spin off of a teenage spy series on wattpad *shudders* but my first ao3 fic was a silly little abandoned newsies fic which was. Interesting. I will not link it but its up for archive purposes, I owe @radioactivepigeons a lot for the encouragement, not sure if I would be still writing now if it wasn't for that kindness :)

Latest Fic - is Queer Eye-Eye Captain! Which is an ofmd queer eye au and I will link it because it took me a year to write and I think its very fun. Its my first 'long fic' (ie. Its over like,, 2K) and it took a lot of effort to actually finish it instead of getting excited, posting it, and abandoning it 😅

Fic in a Fandom I Only Wrote Once For - there are a couple but I think we'll go with There's No Such Thing as Stupid Pain which is a little startrek disco one I wrote after a night shift when I hurt from lifting a patient weird. I adore startrek discovery but I've just never written anything else for it yk?

Favourite Fic in the Fandom I Wrote Most For - are any of us surprised that its newsies after my train wreck of a brain (and bank account) last year? I think my favourite is probably Go to Bed just because its cute and I like the UK Davey/Crutchie dynamic, with an honourable mention to Hear Her Voice and Hear it Still which isn't that well written but I love the concept for.

Fic I Wish More People Read - ooh hard one, maybe I am to See to it That I Do Not Lose You which was for the fic exchange, just because I wrote and rewrite it So. Many. Times.

Fic I Agonised Over the Most - It is what it is because it's an excerpt of a much larger fic sitting planned out in my wips that I really want to write but idk if it will ever happen. Shout out to Build a Problem which I accidentally abandoned bc it started sounding too much like something I would write in high school and it needs serious revisions

Fic that Sprang Fully Formed - Babywipe Blues it's only little but it practically wrote itself, only took me 10 minutes. Amazing what procrastination can do.

And a Work I'm Proud of - Queer Eye-Eye Captain! Again just because I'm loving it now and also You're Safe Now because even though I don't love how it was written now, someone liked it enough to translate it into French which I think is very cool :)

That was such a cool little fic review, I loved doing that, thanks for the tag!!!! Tagging @emmedoesntdomath and @baura-bear :)

[jmrothwell]

"If I ask you to kiss me in front of all these people, will you do it?" gives off Carrie/Reggie vibes I'm just saying

Also for:

@bananakarenina: if I ask you to kiss me in front of all these people, would you do it? Shfdjgjdxkg I can't choose, so your choice

“Ms. Wilson.”

Carrie winces at the sharp use of her last name. The condescending tone one she’s used to by now. Normally she could easily brush it off. However today Reggie had decided to surprise her at work.

She avoids looking his way and focuses her attention on Mr. Palmer and his ridiculous pencil stache. “I hired you to bus tables, not socialize. Ms. Wilson. Consider this your last warning.”

Last and only warning, Carrie kept the thought to herself, focusing on remaining stoic, pleasant, amicable. “Yes, sir.”

“Wow, what an ass.” Reggie says as soon as Mr. Palmer is out of ear shot and heading back to his office. 

“I told you I needed to focus on work.” She bites back her groan, and returns to wiping the table she had been working on before. Tries to not think about the increased whispering happening around her. 

“Did he call you Ms. Wilson?” Reggie asks, and her spine stiffens. Guess he did catch that. He’s quieter when he continues to ask the question that keeps ruining her life. “Like Trevor Wilson?”

With a long measured breath she braces herself. Prepares for the sneers, the taunting, to lose him the same way she ends up losing everyone. “Yes, like Trevor Wilson.”

“That’s gotta suck. Sharing a name with that guy.”

She blinks, that’s a different approach than most people take when ridiculing her and her dad. She keeps her head ducked down as she moves to another table. “Well that happens when you're related.”

He hisses, and she has to imagine the expression he’s making since she’s still avoiding looking at him. 

“Guess that means, you and I through then.” She says as matter of factly as she can manage.

“What? Why?” He sounds shocked, almost hurt? And the unexpected tone gets her to look up to see his face reflecting his tone. What kind of game is this?

“Because I’m Carrie Wilson. Trevor Wilson’s daughter.” She says, trying to figure out what his plan is. The confused look on his face not helping her own confusion.

“I don’t care about any of that.”

She scoffs, she’d heard that plenty of times before. But it was always the same story. In private and behind closed doors it was sweet words and affection but once in public, they always treated her like the outcast she and her family were. Unable to separate her from her father’s actions.

Even the ones who wanted to use her couldn’t stand the thought of being seen with her. 

“Honestly, Carrie.” He says, and she’s struggling to read his expression. Struggling to see the hidden ulterior motive behind his pleading eyes. “I don’t care who your family is. You’re amazing and I don’t want to lose you because everyone else is too close minded to see that.”

“So what? If I asked you to kiss me in front of all these people, you’d do it?” Not that she needed to ask, he hadn’t even tried to hold her hand even before he knew who she really was. And the look of shock he now wore was confirmation enough.

She blinks back the familiar sting of tears, glad to have had the practice at facing this same disappointment over and over again. At least she knows that she’ll be able to keep it together until she gets home. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

His hand on her arm stops her from walking away. It’s the first time in years she can recall her composure ever breaking in public. Unable to contain her shock or hold back her gasp as he pulls her in tight against him. One hand warm on the small of her back, the other gently brushing her hair away from her face. 

“If that’s what you want.” He whispers, no hint of a joke or antagonist teasing in his eyes. Her already erratic heart stutters all the more when he starts leaning toward her.

“But-but.” she leans back, still hardly believing what’s happening. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to push her away and scoff at how gullible she was in the name of saving his own image. “You’ve never even held my hand before.”

He does smile then, a confused wry little thing. “You always acted like you didn’t want me to.”

She wants to argue with him, to insist it was him avoiding contact with her. Thinks back to every interaction she can remember with him. How she would pull back if he got too close, despite the fact he didn’t know her full name, who she was. Just assuming she already knew how it was all meant to end even if she didn’t realize what she was doing and hoped otherwise.

“Oh.” She quietly says, swallowing around the sudden dry feeling in her throat as his forehead touches hers. “But what about what people will say?”

“I told you.” He says, thumb sweeping along her cheekbone, nose brushing against hers. “I don't care about any of that. I care about you.”

He certainly kisses her like he cares. She’s been kissed before, rushed or harsh. Nothing like the gentle way he initially brushes his lips with hers, only pressing harder when her hand slides up to his shoulder and pulls him closer. 

He smiles down at her when they break apart, warm and open the same way he’s always smiled at her. The rest of the world falls silent around them. Though she hardly noticed, too focused on him. Too ecstatic to care about what anyone else might think.

[stardustinmyhands]

4/9/24

I’m starting to gather my information for filing disability. This will be my 4th time filing. So starts that journey again.

I got into the store I wanted to transfer to. It’s just them getting me into the system under the right store number. This store is only like 10 minutes away from my new home. It has a lot of people over me in seniority, and I’ve been at this company for almost 9 years. Which shows me retention. My old store didn’t have that what so ever. So I hope I’m not the only one on my shift.

My stomach is hurting today. I’m living in zofran and atarax and adderall today. I don’t need tramadol, at least yet. I’m unpacking boxes as I work on filing for disability. I also dipped my veggies chicken nuggets in some honey, that maybe adding to my stomach hurting. Since I had gastric bypass I don’t take in a lot of sugar products, cause I don’t want to dump.

I have to say I handled this move very well. I packed most of the boxes. I found this apartment. I found the moving company we used.

This apartment feels more like home than my last apartment ever did. We’ve been here just over a week.

I’m also looking forward to finding my swimsuit so I can go swimming. That will feel so good on my back and joints. I will probably lose some weight.

Ok I know this is my chronic illness blog, but I’m obsessed with Gaga. She was seen in California, but look at that ring on her finger. If she’s engaged, I’m so happy for her. •••Since I was never able to have babies, and I dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl. I don’t know how I will feel if and when she has a baby. I will be so jealous. But I know she will be an amazing momma. I’ve learned to box that jealousy away. I don’t know when it will come out or be triggered in me. I will have to deal with that when the time comes•••

My apartment is a mess of boxes. We moved into a smaller apartment. I had a lot of stuff in my old room, including my king sized bed, and still had room for all my stuff.

But as my friends say moving takes time, and probably more time to unpack cause you have to find new homes for everything you unpack.

I’ve reconnected with a friend of mine. She was a friend of mine all through high school. She became a Mormon and married into the church, to someone I feel she should have never married. They are in the process of getting a divorce. I’m so proud of her. She’s blossoming into an amazing person. I feel our connection will stronger this time around. She’s living on her own, and has a car. She’s making it her own life. I’m very proud of her. She’s so open minded now. I feel I can tell her anything. I’m really looking forward to connecting with her.

Ok back to what I was doing.

[cosmonaughtt]

I think, part of the reason I’m quite ecstatic about the Hermitcraft & Empires crossover (The Great Crossover Event) is that... 

It was planned and followed through.

Also this ramble got long so there is a readmore LOL (￣ ‘i ￣;)

And this little ramble here isn’t a slight against any creator at all, but I first got re-involved with MCYT content with the DreamSMP. I think that using Minecraft as a medium for storytelling is super unique and underrated; there’s a bit of a juvenile energy to it as it’s a kids game, but also as a game with infinite possibilities and worlds it really has no bounds.

What DSMP did in 2020-2021 was amazing. I think that they had such great potential with storytelling and used it without even realizing what they were doing, especially in the early days. One of the reasons I fell out of it (as I’m sure everyone has) is that, for the most part, they aren’t really that organized as they maybe used to be.

And I get it. Life happens, and you lose inspiration for stories, and with COVID-19 NOT ENDING BUT EVERYONE THINKING IT IS OVER ENOUGH TO MOVE ONTO OTHER VENTURES, I’ve been there before. Well, maybe not the last part. I still wear mask everywhere I go. 

I can’t help but say that the disappointment of ccs losing interest in the DSMP storyline doesn’t hurt in a way. Call me parasocial for it all you want; but if your favorite book series or movie trilogy never had that final movie come out, or your favorite TV show never had that last season to tie up all the loose ends, you’d be dissapointed too, right? Again, this isn’t a slight against the individual ccs, just at circumstances around it.

But in come Hermitcraft and Empires; Hermitcraft was a series on my radar for years but I’ve always been intimidated by the long episode counts (except for season 8 now lmao) to ever get invested into it, but when Empires S1 came out i was hooked. People using Minecraft to tell stories! And it’s good!!!! 

There’s a sort of similar energy from early Empires episodes to early DSMP lore; none of it feels completely planned out. I can’t speak for creators of course, but it feels like both SMPs didn’t intend to get as story-based or lore-heavy as they ended up getting, but they got, eh, lost in ze sauce, as one of my friends would say. They embraced it, and it just so happened that Empires, because it was strictly MINECRAFT creators and not a mix of different types of streamers who also play Minecraft, it was able to keep that storyline to the end. And with Hermitcraft, while some people joke it’s got lore-phobic people on the server who just wanna play minecraft, after the ending of Season 8? Yeah, right, buddy.

When there started to be little pieces & foreshadowing in episodes, I got really excited, but kept my expectations low. Maybe as a response to DSMP CCs, maybe as a I get too overexcited over little things and I don’t wanna over-hype myself, if it doesn’t happen I’ll just make fanfic for it lmao type of thought. 

But they didn’t!

They actually went through with it! It’ll be a little mini-arc! They’d been planning it for more than four months, according to fWhip’s video. It’s one of the biggest crossover events in Minecraft history, and it is so cool to see these (grown-ass adults /affectionate) MCYT creators invest so heavily into storylines and “roleplay”. I think for a lot of popular storytellers, like directors or writers of different shows/movies/novels/etc, have become dissatisfied with how late capitalistic society has made “storytelling” synonymous with the dreaded word “content”; its so rare to find a unique work out there nowadays that isn’t just a remake of something else or relies on “meta” storytelling to be funny and original that it just oversells itself and becomes dull in the process (ahem Velma ahem). 

But as silly as it is, these MCYTs are putting their all into roleplaying as lil’ block people in a fantasy world. Even less roleplay-heavy creators are finding their places in the storytelling, and idk I can’t help but be appreciative and awed at the fact that they planned something and it actually went through for once.

[fakevariety]

random appreciation posttt

ok so this kind is not relevant to anything currently i was just thinking about this butttt anyways there is this family my family is pretty close to and i’ve known them since i was in kindergarten and genuinely they are so amazing i have been friends with the son since kindergarten but have only been friends with the daughter for the past few years

and this family has always been there for me like one time my brother was at this sleepover camp and he got kicked out because he kept losing control and hurting people so my parents had to drive up there in the middle of the night to get him and it was such an awful experience and my parents had to find somewhere for me to go for the night so i ended up staying over with this family for the night and i went over just super upset about the whole thing and they were so nice and just made the whole evening actually really fun and i know it sounds like a small thing but my brother has been getting kicked out of camps his whole life and i finally thought it was getting better and then that happened and it genuinely meant the world to me that that family made my night so much better

and i love the kids in that family so much the son is my age and again i’ve been friends with him since i was very little and he has adhd and for a long time has been one of the ‘weird kids’ in my grade and i didn’t always treat him the best in elem school which i really regret because he has been bullied so much and i did not help but i recognize how great he is now and while he can be a bit annoying i am never letting someone talk shit about him again because he is such a great person and he’s so nice to hang out with and we don’t really talk a bunch rn but we still chat and i still really love him and trust him and he’s just amazing and i know i can always count on him

and his sister i didn’t really get close with until a few years ago when i started going to this writing camp with her since we both love writing we had always been friendly with each other and i’ve always liked her but camp made us get really close we spent all our time together and she’s so so so nice and i really trust her i’ve told her things i don’t tell most people besides my best friend and my other close friends and she knows things i haven’t told anyone else and she’s cishet but she’s genuinely an amazing ally and she listens to me talk about my obsessions and even gets into them and im really excited to go to camp with her this summer and i really love her and feel close to her and last summer during camp we ended up sharing a dorm which was SO FUN and each night we stayed up until eleven, we would just sit silently in a room together and work on our own wips and we’d help each other and i’m so excited for this summer and yeah

idk was randomly thinking abt that lmao

[pennywaltzy]

Christmas Gone Awry

So sneaking it in just under the deadline (and as it's a Christmas fic, just in time for the holiday), my last @fandomtrumpshate entry for the year! Wombatking wanted whumpy Kate Bishop/Yelena Belova, where Kate gets injured on a mission and Yelena takes care of her. Please enjoy my first time writing Kate and second time writing Yelena!

Christmas Gone Awry - Things do not go quite as planned for the first Christmas that Kate and Yelena spend as a couple...but it works out well in the end.

READ @ AO3

It was amazing all that could happen in a year. Christmas was just around the corner and she was spending it (a) not alone and (b) injured. So...apparently some things changed and some didn’t. But there were changes, and it had been a long year.

Clint had given her his blessing to be Hawkeye now. The Tracksuit Mafia may be gone, but that didn’t mean Hawkeye wasn’t needed. The Christmas with the Bartons had been so good for her; her mother refused to talk to her after her arrest and subsequent release on bail. She was an orphan for now, barring any other words that could describe losing both your parents.

And then, just as she was getting into her crime-fighting groove, she got a late Christmas gift: a set of silverware, good cooking knives, and a box of mac and cheese. The good stuff, the one with the sauce packet and not the powdered stuff. She knew Yelena had left it for her, and wouldn’t you know, the next day she came home to Yelena playing “American Pie” on her small CD player, with a bowl of macaroni and cheese for each of them, as well as a proposition: Yelena had had enough of the assassin for hire business, she’d said, and would Kate like a partner?

Needless to say, it was a surprise, but a surprisingly welcome one, as Kate found she worked better with a partner than without one. That should have been obvious when she worked with Clint before she took over the mantle, but with Yelena things were as fluid as their fight in her mother’s office building had been. And Yelena had gotten very good at not making dead people her first priority; she had more skills to incapacitate in hand-to-hand combat than Kate did, so Kate was happy to minimize that and stick with her arrows. Clint had given her the tools to make the trick arrows, so there was no shortage of most of the ones she’d found useful in the ice rink fight. Sadly, the Pym particles one were a no no for her. Too many ethical questions on why people were shrunk.

She could make do without them as long as she had Yelena by her side, though.

Eventually she couldn’t deny they had chemistry together in the more-than-work partners sense. It was just after April Fool’s Day, a day when they were relaxing at Central Park with a picnic lunch and just people watching when Kate broached if this was a date. Like, a date date. Yelena’s simple reaction: “Duh.” So it was rather nice having an ex-assassin as a girlfriend. She never felt unsafe around her, in work-related business or in the bedroom. And the apartment finally started to feel like home.

Of course, every time they went out as Hawkeye & Black Widow, it had it’s hazards. And tripping and falling down a flight of stairs had meant Christmas Eve in the emergency room, and Christmas Day at home with her ankle in a cast and her stubborn butt on crutches. Not exactly how she had planned on ringing in the holiday, but at least Yelena was game to play nurse.

“The doctor said to elevate your ankle so sit down and lift it up and I will put a pillow underneath,” Yelena said as she let them into the apartment. Kate hobbled in on the crutches, every slight motion of her leg making her ankle twinge in pain in the cast. Thankfully it wasn’t a plaster monstrosity like the ones she used to have to wear as a kid when she broke something, but even the metal/fiberglass/velcro casts sucked. Broken bones still hurt like a bitch, in or out of a cast, even one as light as the one she had. At least she could take it off to clean herself. Being stinky was something she’d hated about the plaster casts, even when she wrapped them in trash bags to keep them dry.

Kate plunked herself down on the sofa, with her head on one end and, with some difficulty, her legs up on the other. She moved to a sitting position as Yelena brought over a pillow. “I knew there was a reason you bought those throw pillows, Kate said.

“Yes. Because I knew my girlfriend would trip and fall down the stairs and break her ankle. I am psychic, did you not know?” Once Kate’s ankle was propped up Yelena began bringing over the Christmas presents. Kate wasn’t destitute by any means, even with her mother disowning her; she had full control over her credit cards now and all her finances. She’d used Jack’s advice on a financial management company to handle to details and it worked pretty well.

Oh shit. Jack and the LARP crew were coming over for dinner tonight! How in the hell was she going to cook dinner for everyone.”

“Remind me how we are supposed to make Christmas dinner for everyone tonight?” Kate asked.

“Easy: we order Chinese, just like all the other people who can’t cook in this city. And we ask everyone to bring an appetizer. I can make those calls because after we open presents, you’re taking a pain pill and resting.”

“You’re bossy as a nurse. I kinda like it.”

“Just wait until you’re better. Then I can do nurse/patient roleplay with you.”

Kate grinned at her. “I like the way you think.”

“I can be very careful now, if you’re a good girl with company tonight,” Yelena said as she brought over some more gifts, going over and giving Kate a lingering kiss. Kate wrapped her hand around the nape of Yelena’s neck to keep her close. And when the kiss was over, Yelena shut her eyes, resting her forehead against Kate’s. “Ty budesh' moyey smert'yu, Keyt.”

“I love you too, Yelena,” Kate said.

“That is not what I said and you know it,” Yelena said as she stood up.

“Yeah, but it’s nicer than saying you will be the death of me too, you know. Neither of us are dying anytime soon.”

“A Black Widow lives on the edge of death all her life.”

“But you’re not a Black Widow anymore,” Kate pointed out softly.

“But death is still an old friend to me.” Kate opened her mouth to reply but Yelena took two fingers and her thumb and closed Kate’s mouth before she got a word out. “No more talk of death. We have presents to open and you have medicine to take and rest to get.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Yelena grinned. “I like it when you call me ma’am. It does things to my insides and quite possibly the lady parts I am missing, wherever they are.”

“I can do more things to your lady parts that are still intact!” Kate called back as Yelena got more gifts for them to open. The pile was getting quite large but she’d have to send Yelena to the tree to get the ornament with the engagement ring in it. That wasn’t how she’d Wanted to propose, but she hadn’t planned on the broken ankle, either.

She’d had it all planned: “It’s A Wonderful Life” on the TV, vodka-infused holiday drinks, then when the bell rang in the movie she’d get the special bell-shaped ornament with the ring tied up inside and ask Yelena to marry her. That had been the plan for last night. But as she saw Yelena coming with the ornament in hand, she should have known, just like everything else, nothing would go according to plan.

“Don’t worry, I did not forget the ring,” Yelena said. “And yes, of course I will marry you.” She handed Kate the ornament, then reached into the pile of gifts to get the smallest box among them. “But only if you will marry me.”

Kate handed her back the ornament and took the box, opening it as Yelena took the ring Kate was giving her off the ornament and slipped it onto her own finger. Once she got the box open she smiled. Black diamond surrounded by amethyst. Her signature colors.

“I could kiss you,” Kate said.

“As I should you,” Yelena said. And then she leaned in and did just that, sealing their proposals with the sweetest of sweet kisses.

[beautifulhigh]

On grief, feeling what we feel, and taking a step back

I’m writing this having literally just finished listening to an interview my cousin did on a radio show about grief, about the way we feel when we lose a relationship that isn’t romantic or familiaral. Losing a friendship, a collegiate relationship, having to say goodbye to someone close to you.

I have thoughts that I want to get out so they’re under the cut. Trigger warnings for death, grief, depression & anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and a whole bunch of other misery.

Part of why I’ve been feeling so lost recently is because the end of February is the anniversary of my best friend, and then her birthday is 1 March, so basically that week I end up whirling myself up into grief and solemnity and rememberance. Brina was Jewish, had meningitis, and so within the space of a week I’d gone from getting the first message that she was sick, to coming home from her funeral. It felt like, in that week, I didn’t have time to process it.

It was also the start of some epic shit at work, shit that would eventually push my anxiety into depression, into suicidal thoughts and self harm. It felt like the first domino to fall in my life: I lost my best friend, I lost my confidence at work, and it felt like I was losing everything. It felt like everything was coming for me and for a while I considered letting it win.

I’m getting to the stage now where I look back on that time and see it as something I couldn’t have changed, couldn’t have prevented. There was no way I could have stopped what happened, the sequence of events. I got help. I got out of teaching and while I missed it for a bit I don’t now. The timing of everything that’s happened in my life since I resigned summer of 2019 has been a stepping stone to get me to here.

And I mostly like here, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

Losing Bri hurts, but not like it did in that first year. When I would pick up my phone to message her only to remember as our thread got further and further down my list. I remember my phone breaking and I nearly had a panic attack because I thought I was going to lose all those messages. God bless Samsung and their autoback up and transfer.

I’m getting better at focusing on her memory being a blessing. Listening to my cousin talk in that interview about grief and how it doesn’t care whether you were family or in love or knew them for three score years and ten. Losing someone is still losing someone and you still have things that were yours, that you feel like you don’t have anymore.

It still hurts, it’s going to hurt for a long time to come, and it hurts more when people don’t see and recognise that pain. For those people still in my life who see me dealing with it - or trying to - and to then brush it off or try to push it away? I can’t deal with that. I won’t deal with that. This is my grief, my pain, my sorrow and my joy. You don’t have to come and sit with me in it but if you do I’ll tell you stories about dropping radios into canals, and wrong orders at restuarants, and sneaking backstage at a panto.

At that point something kicked off at work - someone was getting upset at how I was treating them, I was upset at how they were treating me, and in the “discussion” that was organised to deal with it it became very clear they weren’t interested in hearing my side of things. They told me that I don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life and I should think about how my actions could be taken, and when I tried to say “you have a point, here’s my story” I was talked over and shut down. It made me feel like my life, my thoughts didn’t mater.

This year I spent those Serious Days™ in Los Angeles. I got to meet Emma in person and I had the most amazing time. And so dealing with them felt easier and I was happy and I was making all the memories they say you should.

Then I got on a plane and I came home and I crashed. Big style. I didn’t want to go back to work because that last day I’d been shut out of a conversation. That anxiety made me pull back and not say much and even then it felt like anything I did say was coming with a side of “oh shut up Jen”. Because I was wrong about something (even when I wasn’t), because it wasn’t my place to say something (even when it was an open discussion). Because I was shutting people out (even when I was offering up something that no one else knew or hand experience of).

I felt lost, I felt alone, and I was honestly scared because my anxiety was bubbling up and those awful dark thoughts were back in my head. Because who actually wanted me around?

I even started to lose my place in fandom: I’d express an opinion on something and have someone reply with an essay about why all my thoughts on this were wrong and rude and oh my god I can’t believe you would attack us like this do you just hate people? I’d say something and get an “well ACTUALLY” response. Even when it wasn’t, everything started to feel like an attack and I needed to do something before I, well, did something.

It’s why my parting comment before my mini semi hiatus was to be kind to yourselves. Because I want to believe that those who said and did things towards me these past few months weren’t coming to attack me. I want to believe that words on a screen without tone feed into our own interpretations and understanding of things and this is why things were not taken the way that they should have been.

Probably on both sides.

I’m literally tearing up as I write this, and for once that’s not internet hyberbole. Because I’m still not OK, but I am better than I was. I miss my friend and I will always miss her and I need to get better at sitting with my grief all year ‘round so that the week in February/March doesn’t slam into me.

If someone isn’t going to listen to me, then that’s on them. If they won’t hear my side of the story then I can’t make them. It could be they don’t care, it could be that they’re not ready to. If when I get to say to someone, “hey this thing upset me” they don’t apologise? I can’t make them. “I’m sorry if” isn’t an apology - there’s no if when someone literally tells you how they feel. If they don’t think they did anything wrong then that isn’t my fault. I need to get better at believing that and not thinking that somehow I’ve fucked up.

It still feels like it. It still feels like I’m fucking up everything I touch and so hey, maybe I shouldn’t touch things like ever and maybe I should just fuck off...

I want to try and find my space in this world. I want to take up space and not only feel OK that I’m taking up space but to understand that I am allowed to take up space. I’m allowed to like things people don’t and I’m allowed to dislike things people like (with all the usual caveats about people getting hurt etc etc but seriously - if you read this and go WELL ACTUALLY then you haven’t been paying attention to what this post is trying to say. Fuck off of you want to willfully misinterpret it). I’m allowed to say what I think and what I feel and I am not only allowed to have people in my life who will care about that and respect me for it, but I deserve that.

I deserve people in my life who are willing to listen to how I feel. I deserve people in my life who apologise without any hesitation or attempt at equivocation when they upset me, whether it’s intentional or not. I deserve to feel what I feel and think what I think and not be made to feel bad or less because of it. I deserve to have the time and space to express what I’m feeling so it doesn’t end up coiled so tightly in my body I feel like I need to cut it out.

And I want to be here. In every sense of that phrase. I really, really do. But sometimes it’s really fucking hard.

I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I can’t make people be kinder to me - and god so many of you are already more supportive and loving and amazing than I could have ever hoped - but this is where I’m at. This is what has been happening to me. With me.

I’m OK, I haven’t relapsed. I was closer than I would have liked when I started this semi hiatus and I have only gotten better as a result. I’m stabilising on my meds so there’s another good point. I know I’m kinda around but I’m not back-back yet, and listening to my cousin talk about grief and relationships this evening made me realise that if I don’t face it, sit with it, live with it and deal with it, then this will just come around and around and around like the worst fucking merry-go-round there is.

Jen

x

[fantasticcloudcreation]

I'm high so I'm just gonna ramble for a second

I bought an 8th on the way to the last festival and I still haven't finished it, I'm amazed. Went through 2 packs of gummies in the time between so that counts but I'm just amazed this bud is still hanging in there! One more bowl I think and then I'll restock on gummies before I leave and then decide if I want bud when I get to Texas, but we're in a hotel and I won't have my usual work buddies with me so maybe gummies will be enough, otherwise there's like a million people at work who can point me towards the local sources haha

Went for a walk today, my knees were hurting which either means I haven't been walking enough lately (yes) or it was colder today so that sometimes has an impact, or bad shoes, or of course my brain was like "what if I have some secret illness that causes problems with connective tissue" or something but realistically I just haven't been moving enough since I've been here. It was nice out though, windy and cloudy and kinda chilly, felt like fall, I'm glad I got to have one day of fall weather while I'm here before I head south for the next couple months :) it's gonna be hot af in TX but I'm trying not to think about it

Stepmom + stepsisters made dinner and cake today, it was delicious but stepmom was cutting ginormous slices of cake, I was like "can I request a smaller piece" and she was like "no" and gave me a big slice lmfao so I was like ok im not gonna be weird about it, took me longer than everyone else to finish it but I did eventually eat it all

The one stepsister that I was talking about being super skinny and going to the gym and everything and I was feeling all insecure about myself because of it, I noticed that she doesn't have a thïgh gäp and felt better about myself (can you believe I'm really out here judging myself/her against each other like bitch shes 23 relax lol) but at the same time I'm glad my gäp is securely Back like it's been around but now it's like, i love sitting down with my knees together lmfao why am i like this. I also looked at pics from my LW today and honestly my body doesn't look much different right now??? Which is weird bc I still have at least 10 pounds til I get there based on my last scale reading but maybe the muscle gain really makes that much of a difference?? I'll take pics when I stop by my brother's house again on the way to TX. Also looked at pics from my HW and it's so great to see that I've never been back to that since I lost it the first time, like I've been gaining+ losing the same 10-20 pounds since then but never gained back the full 30... Also grateful that I started all this before it got too high, like kinda crazy to think I've been in and out of disordered eating/"dieting" since I was 14 but at the same time looking at my before pics I never want to be that big again... in the grand scheme of things ("average american" and all that) it wasn't even that bad but for me I kinda would pick a lifetime of intermittent diet phases...? Also grateful that my "disordered " behaviors never get too out of control and I kinda just phase in and out of them over the years ... Idk life is weird!! Funny to think I'm comparing my current 28 year old body against pictures of my 17 year old body, funny that most people want to get back to their high school bodies and for me it's my HW/before pics. Funny to think about how I took those pics a couple months before junior prom bc I was going to get skinny for it (I didn't) funny how I didn't actually hit my LW til my fourth year in college /21 years old, funny how I'm still here comparing myself to pictures of my younger self at various ages.

I was also thinking about thïgh gäps and how I have a fucked up tailbone bc I fell on ice while snowboarding when I was younger and maybe that influences the thïgh gäp like maybe it caused my pelvis to tilt farther or something ?? Bc I have the narrowest hips lmao I had to buy a new pack for a backpacking trip a couple years ago bc my old pack couldn't tighten enough and the sales guy at the camping store was like "you have the narrowest hips I've ever seen" lol idk I feel like just based on my body structure there's no reason I'm in the club of girls with natural thïgh gäps but I'm glad it's working out that way??

Anyway. Besides the giant slice of cake, today was a good day :) sad I have to leave tomorrow but the next chapter is starting and it's gonna be great!!!

[angeldiaries777]

thinking about my suicide attempts and every moment of my life now like damn it was never that serious. AT ALL. blah blah all those pity parties i threw for myself and all of the things i went through like yeah whatever it happened and what???? like what???? like thats just life. why was i taking everything so fucking intensely and why was i so upset at myself for soo long. why was i scared of losing things when life moves forward till the end and thats what we all have to accept. im getting better at recognizing when things are non issues. im still hiding from the world out of habit. its just like damn i was so terrifed of people hurting me that i hurt myself times infinity. like yeah it happened soo:????? so what. yeah i fucked up. yeah other people fucked up. yeah the world is messed up. yeah life is random and weird sooo????? like none of it matters. we're just here to be alive and thats all. like thats enough. the rest will come later and if it doesnt so what???? nothing lasts and neither will that. im not saying im gonna fail or whatever im just saying like yeah whats the point in being a depressed cunt??? yeah i have had clinical depression since i was a child but whats the point in giving into it. there isn't. im not letting anxiety control me anymore sorry. im over it. im over myself. like we get it ur sad and tired all the time shutup. and this isnt gonna be a deny everything forced happiness phase but why am i still sulking about shit outside of my control all these years later?? the angst is gone. its getting annoying hating everything. its getting annoying being cynical about the world. its never going to be amazing and i don't think life will either. so why not just be chill with things?? why not accept that this world and other people myself included will never meet my standards. my life will. and ill try my best to give myself the love i deserve (and no i dont think everyone deserves love i think there r sickos and idiots out there who don't deserve it but i def deserve love) like im gonna try something i havent i lied i need more radical self love in my life. and thats all really. i hate it cuz i cringe when other bitches say things like this but nothing will ever matter. and nothing has ever mattered. like at all. why not be my pretty self and like whatver. whatever. tired of grudges. no more. i don't think im gonna be venting anymore im just gonna shut the fuck up stay offline and be grateful for myself and the cringe "blessings" cringe i have in my life. no more longing for other existences. im really fucking happy in mine. no more posting for validation and attention. obvi human brain will act different irl but whatevs im pretty smart kind and funny i'll be okay. yeah im gonna be okay. i know i am. i know that im going to become who i want to be. and i know it will all work it for me. no more stressing about. no more overthinking about it. no more self inflicted pain. no more rash decsion making. im me and i will be okay as me. like ive been self soothing forever but i need to start believeing that i will be okay. i am my mind. we r one. and the sooner i accept that i will never be able to run away from my own mind things will improve for me. this is the one brain and the one body i get in life. im going to make the most of it and stop living in such a dim dark headspace. its over. sorry im not letting the pain and anger control me. the uncomfy/bad intrusive thoughts can and never will win. im gonna win. this is my life. i have the control.

[lifesaverstory]

Twenty-seven Years

I’m not interested in rushing you, or hurting you, or using you to get off. I want to see what you enjoy, what you want, what puts you over the top.

I know that now. I know you wouldn’t dream of doing that. When we do get to that stage, you’ll have to go slowly and gently with me because I know in the beginning it’s going to hurt. It’s tight.

You being comfortable and not worried is what’s important to me.

But just to be clear, I do want it. I only want it with you.

I’d still feel the same about you if you didn’t want it. That isn’t important. You are.

You don’t realize how sweet that is. As long as we have great communication, we’ll have everything. And with that being said ___, I feel like I’m falling. I want you so much.

I want you as well, ___. It will be so amazing to catch up again.

I have a million thoughts and ideas that I can’t pin down to one paragraph. I’m so glad for the future.

I am too.

Pleasepleaseplease be careful. You have such a dangerous job. I don’t want to lose you now when we haven’t even begun. Every step downward, every turn you make, please be careful and take excellent care of yourself. I want ‘us’ to begin.

I’m always careful, never reckless.

I know. I know you are. Just keep doing what you can to be careful. It’s a scary job and you take calculated risks to help save others and I know you put others ahead of yourself every working day. And I think that’s amazing and I feel lucky and I feel safe with you because you’re a real life hero—you save lives for a living!—and I only wish the very best for you, always and forever and even if I were taken out of the equation. You’re principled and have tremendous integrity and I trust you. I know this all now. You mean a great deal to me, ___. Please remember that.

Tonight we began writing steamy texts back and forth to each other but by the very end, we started writing honestly about life and not just about sex. The part I posted are the things I am talking about. I had come to a revelation.

We haven’t used the “I-love-you” words yet and we haven’t even given each other terms of endearment in our texts. But I know in my heart and my mind that I’m falling in love with him.

We met more than 27 years ago. A friend at my school at university gave me a sheet full of email addresses with no names on it. I was curious to see if any of these addresses lead to actual people and whether they would write me back to me. It turned out one of them did. And his name was ___. He wrote me back and I was so excited. We wrote long emails and eventually we decided to meet. He stayed with me at my place at university two separate times. We fooled around but I wasn’t ready to commit myself so we never actually had coitus. The third time he came to see me, (he lived far away), I was scared and fled. He found me though and I kind of wrecked it. We hadn’t had a D&M regarding sex or how we even felt about each other. I thought, when he came the last time, “I don’t want to have sex with someone I just met and whom I don’t really know.” He was more hurt than anything. It wasn’t even a fight. He just left.

Fast forward 27 and a half years. I’m not married. Neither is he. We have been friends on Facebook and we have communicated a little over the years but only about a month or so ago did we start to really talk to each other. Like actual friends. Sometimes we chit chatted about life and other times he wrote things to me that sent butterflies dancing inside me. It was the most incredible feeling. He has remembered so many things about our time together so many years ago that even I don’t remember. But he can write one hell of a steamy passage and I felt so moved by the fact that he actually liked me. He has said many times that he often reminisces about us back then. And every time my mind would refuse to accept it, or to believe it. Until now.

We have talked about getting together again one day in the near future. I don’t know when and I don’t know where. And up until today, I was actually a little nervous about seeing him again. More than anything, I was afraid I wouldn’t know what to say to him. What I say to him in the form of text is no where near the way I would talk to him in person.

But at the very end of our chat tonight, it occurred to me that ___ is a hero. And he only has my best interest at heart. And even though he’s said certain things that have led me to believe he cares a lot about me, I think he loves me. I think I might love him too.

He’s one of the captains in a fire department. He’s a thoughtful person. He cares about his friends. And he saves the lives of other people on a daily basis. And that makes him a hero. Literally a hero. And when I thought about this tonight, I realized I’m getting a second chance at making it work this time between ___ and I. And all of a sudden, I realized there’s nothing to be scared about seeing him again. He’s my life-saver! He really is! And of all the people he could choose to be with, it’s me he wants! When we finally meet, my mind will remember “here comes my hero. My fire fighter. My life saver. My love.” And I have the sneaky suspicion we’ll have no difficulty talking to one another. And to me that’s the most important part of all. Because he could become my best friend one day. It’s only taken 27 and a half years for me to realize this. He’s just a man who, for whatever reason, likes me and cares about me. And he just so happens to be a hero. And since he is, he know he’ll take measures to do whatever it takes to keep me safe and happy. And at some level, we both care about each other very much. I’m so lucky to have him. It’s surreal.

Am I nervous? No. I’m goddamn excited.

[im-365-so-stressed]

This has been the worst weekend I have had in a few months, a friend of mine completely broke my trust and fucked me over in a very irreversible way after I had been nothing but nice and understanding towards them, I got threatened with homelessness in a country where I am not a citizen and completely alone, and I am literally shaking with anger, idk what to do

I’m formatting this like a Reddit post lol but this is just my way of gathering my thoughts so I don’t feel so erratic, angry and panic-y anymore. I’m not sure if anyone reads my posts but any comments or support will help very much.

Context:

I (24F) met my friend C (23NB) this July at a pride march where I went with my other friend S (26F). I have been living in this city for like 1.5 years but I hadn’t made a lot of queer friends yet because most of my time went into doing course work and then hanging out with my econ masters cohort, who are all straight (but still very lovely and amazing people). Anyways S and I met C at pride and we hung out all evening, and also met up for drinks a week later, and kept hanging out regularly after that. I was just really excited to finally have a queer friend group.

I am not a very open person and I need a LOT of time to get comfortable with people, but at the same time I have issues with setting boundaries because I don’t want to hurt people. I know it’s a problem and I’m trying to work on it, but not being straightforward with boundaries hasn’t caused me a lot of problems in the past since people usually don’t cross boundaries with me very often, and if they do I just (very subtly) signal my discomfort through body language and remarks. I’m actually pretty good at that after a lifetime of practice, and it gets the point across pretty well for most people. For example, if I don’t want someone in my house anymore because I need alone time, I ask them if they’ve checked the bus times yet because I wouldn’t want them to lose the last bus. Or if it’s still early, I tell them that I have to work so they usually leave.

Anyways, C is autistic (this is actually the first thing I learnt about them) and doesn’t catch subtlety very well. They also have a tendency to over-familiarise themselves with people really fast and they don’t understand personal boundaries very well either. I learnt about this part of their personality over the next few weeks when I realised that even though we only knew each other for a few weeks, they had no problem sleeping over at my place every time we hung out, without really asking me if they could, even though busses were still running and they could’ve easily gone home. I even did the entire “don’t miss the last bus” thing one time, which is the only time when they asked me if they could stay over because they were having a small anxiety attack and didn’t want to be alone. We had only known each other for less than two weeks then. How do you say no to that?

The spontaneous sleepovers were ok when I was living in a student accommodation and didn’t really have the actual risk of getting kicked out, but now since I’m not a student anymore and am living in a rented apartment with someone whose cousin owns the apartment, I have to be a LOT more careful. Another time S and I planned a movie night and ended up meeting up with C for dinner after they spontaneously texted us, after which they invited themselves to the movie night and ended up (as usual) sleeping over, even though my bed can’t fit three people, and once again, they didn’t ask me if they could. This was also after I moved to my new place (I had to ask my roommate if it’s ok if a friend stays over before planning the movie night with S) so them staying over without asking was a lot more risky for me now. Naturally my roommate complained about the noise because extra people means extra noise. And C is generally a loud person without realising.

On top of that they also like being sexually explicit (I straight up told them that it makes me uncomfortable, which was kinda hard for me to do) but they kept doing it, especially when they got slightly tipsy, and especially since they misread my discomfort as me being flustered. After some time I just kinda tuned it out because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and I was trying not to be too uptight. This has nothing to do with the actual situation, but it’s just an example of how they don’t understand boundaries. In hindsight I should’ve been a lot more straightforward with all of my boundaries but I guess it’s too late to change things now.

The situation:

S, C and I planned to go to a queer event together this Friday. C showed up to my apartment unannounced, even though I thought that we were directly meeting at the event. It’s almost 10 at this point and my roommate has a strict no noise after 10 policy, because neither me nor my roommate are from this country, so naturally we don’t want to get in trouble with the neighbors or the police. Both of us also have really good internships at good international organizations (honestly a dream come true for both of us) which we would very much like to keep. So naturally I’m a bit confused and worried when C shows up, but I chalk it up to miscommunication between us and ask them to wait in the living room while I get ready. They’re being a bit loud so I’m trying to get ready as fast as possible so we can get out of the apartment building.

Once we’re out C realizes that they left their phone at my place, and decides to come back and get it after the party, implying that they’re staying over again. At this point I’m like whatever, let’s go have fun. Once we reach the event, which is walking distance from my house, C proceeds to get fucked up and have a breakdown on the sidewalk. S and I are really worried since they did not seem mentally well at that point. Then they start talking about people always abandoning them, and then having ptsd because of it, and I’m thinking “well shit I guess they are staying over” because at that point there was no way they could go back to their place alone. And as their friend (I considered them my friend despite everything because they hadn’t done anything directly offensive yet) I straight up did not want to leave them alone in that state, even though I knew the risk of letting them stay over at my place in their drunk state. They also went on about how S and I were like their family which made me a little emotionally soft because, despite all of their issues with boundaries and social cues, they were a good person with good intentions. I trusted them enough in that moment to let them into my house despite the risks, even though my instincts had been telling me not to for months.

So S and I practically carry them back to my place as they throw up and cry some more, and we all pass out in my bed. My roommate hears us coming in at 1am even though I ask everyone to be quiet, because C is naturally a loud person and drunk C was even louder. I ask everyone once again to be quiet right before I pass out in my bed, because my roommate already complained the last time C came over (during the movie night they invited themselves to). The next morning, I don’t see C in the bed anymore, so I assumed they left. But then S tells me that she saw C sleeping on the couch when she went to get us a glass of water. I’m a bit confused about this because they didn’t ask me if they could sleep on the couch, but it’s too early to think so I let it go. S leaves before C because she had some work and I try to come up with a game plan to get C to leave too because I knew they weren’t going to until I directly asked them to (which, once again, is awkward for me). But then my roommate texts me that we need to talk and proceeds to tell me what happened at night.

While S and I were sleeping, C apparently woke up, used the toilet I share with my roommate, left the toilet in a horrible state (peed all over the toilet seat, forgot to flush, and left their sock in the bowl which almost blocked our pipes). They then proceeded to undress in the toilet, leave their pee-stained clothes on the pee-stained toilet floor (making everything smell like pee) and pass out, in their underwear, on the couch I share with my roommate. My roommate woke up before me and found the state of the toilet and C on the couch, and was naturally livid. He had to fish out C’s sock from the bowl which was still full of C’s pee, to be able to use the toilet, at 7 in the morning on a Saturday, so I get why he was angry. I would be too. As a result, he told me that we need to talk and proceeded to ask me to find a new place. He said that he already drafted the exit contract with his cousin. C saw all of this happening because they were still on the couch while my roommate screamed at me and I practically begged him to give me another chance because I can’t be homeless right now in this country in the middle of my dream internship that I worked so hard for. C stayed on the couch and watched me, with a half asleep expression, as I apologized profusely for their actions, which I wasn’t even aware of until my roommate told me about them. My roommate said we should talk more after C leaves because C kept looking at us without saying anything.

I am fucking pissed at that point because after taking care of C the entire night and letting them into my house, this is how they decide to pay me back. So I ask them if they left a sock in the toilet bowl, they said “no???”, picked up their clothes from the toilet floor, realised that their sock was wet, continued with “oh I guess I did, sorry” and left without even a proper apology or explanation. I talk to my roommate again, apologize profusely again and ask him to reconsider, he says he’ll think about it until Monday and leaves. I then text C to let them know that they left their meds at my place (they reply 12 hours later, finally apologising, and blaming their ptsd and autism for their actions), and I proceed to have a 6 hour long panic attack. I almost text them back “my landlord isn’t going to kick me out less because you have ptsd” but I realise that’s a shitty thing to say so I stop myself.

Other things I wanted to text them include “not everyone is a white European from here and can get on a 30min train ride to their parents house the second they get homeless” (since C was being way too cavalier as I was getting threatened with homelessness in the morning), “I don’t think you understand that I don’t have the luxury of getting fired and doing nothing because authorities will kick me out of the country” (since not having a house will probably get me fired because I won’t have an address to give to the immigration office anymore, and C took a break from studies and has literally been doing nothing with almost no consequences for a year now), and “you can fix this by giving me your house and moving back with your parents, because your European ass doesn’t actually have to stay in the city to be able to keep your resident status and get jobs in the future, but I do”. I haven’t texted them any of this yet but I’m on the edge of doing it I swear to god.

Anyways I’m really fucking pissed and anxious. Sorry for the long post.