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niallandtommo · 2 months ago

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end of 2024 post

2024 has been the wildest year of my life. i haven't been very active on here this year so i don't know if anyone still cares but here's a summary of the things that happened this year.

the year started off great with my trip to dublin. i had such an amazing time, what a beautiful city. i had a few wonderful days with pia @farfromthstars and we saw niall together. that will always be one of the most special moments of my life. seeing niall again after such a long time and doing all of this in his home country was so so special.

then i saw niall again, once more in dublin and in berlin and munich. all of these shows were so perfect, i had so much fun. i wish i could go back and do it all over again. i miss niall so much.

i also finally met jana @ccrossyourmind! we went to hamburg together and it was such a wonderful trip. we saw taylor together and that was one of the best shows i've ever seen! what an amazing concert.

had a few more short trips here and there with family, friends and also alone and in september i flew to turkey with my parents. we didn't see that much of the country because we just wanted to spend some quality time together so we mostly stayed in the hotel and at the beach but we had such a great time. amazing food, lots of sun and a lot of time spent playing games and talking to my parents.

i spent so much time with my family and my best friend. this will always be more important than anything else. my family and my best friend are the most important people in my life and knowing that they will always be there for me gives me so much strength. they've been there for me when i needed them the most and i'm forever grateful to have these people in my life. also shout out to jana @ccrossyourmind who has been an amazing friend for years but especially this year. she's been there for me more than ever. she listens to my podcast voice notes and she reads my messages when i just need to let it all out. thank you jana for being there and letting me vent whenever i need to. i'm so grateful to have you in my life. you're such an amazing friend and i hope 2025 will be your best year. i'm always here for you and i love you so much <3

in march i started dating someone i met on tinder which was wild and crazy and exciting but also nerve racking. he was my first everything and i had feelings for him so it really hurt when he broke my heart for the first time in june. he came back and i gave him another chance just for him to do the exact same thing (but even worse) in october. he broke things off, i was hurt and confused. looking back at it now, we just did not fit and it was the right thing to end it. but even though i know he was not the right one, the way he did it was just extremely disappointing and hurtful.

a few weeks after he broke my heart i was very frustrated and out of frustration i downloaded another dating app. i did not think that i would meet someone on there and i was still pretty messed up because of the other dude so technically i wasn't even ready to date again. fast forward to today, i am actually in my very first relationship 🙈 i met my boyfriend on said dating app and from the first conversation we had, we've been very honest with each other and even though i did not see any of this coming, on december 22nd he asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes ❤️ i really did not think that i would end this year with a boyfriend by my side but i'm happy at the moment and we're having a great time together. things aren't perfect and i don't know what's going to happen next year. i have a tendency to focus on the negative things but i'm trying to work on that so for now i just wanna enjoy what i have and be happy <3

one last thing. losing liam this year has been so hard and so painful and that was also one of the reasons why i haven't been on here as much as i used to. because it hurts too much to look at pictures of the boys. i can't listen to their music anymore. not just liam or one direction, i can't listen to any of them. i'm still in denial and it doesn't feel real but sometimes i just burst into tears because i can't believe that he's really gone. all the friends i made on here are a part of my life because of these boys and this band. so many trips, so many concerts, so many happy moments. i don't think it will ever feel real that he's gone. i don't wanna believe that he's gone. so being on here and reblogging things just doesn't feel right to me. but i still read your posts and tags all the time and i hope you're all doing ok.

i love you all so much and i hope 2025 is gonna be the best year for all of us <3

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antbitez · 11 months ago

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i hate berlermo.

okay, HEAR ME OUT FIRST!! do i hate the ship? yes. absolutely. does that stop me thinking about them every second of the day? no. i am in so much pain help me.

want to start with talking about berlin. he is a straight man. martín was NOT his bisexual awakening or something. he. is. a. straight. man. they could not work and berlin made that very clear on multiple occassions. he is also an egomaniac. he has so many disorders, and while i dont want to portray him as some heartless monster (because he isn't!! he cares about himself but that doesn't mean he doesnt care about others too!), i find it hard to believe he didn't keep palermo around to mess with him.

the kiss scene between andrés and martín is the root of a large majority of martíns issues. we see throughout the series that palermo is withdraw from his emotions and love, he has attatchment issues, and he has not moved on from berlin even two years later. he hasnt let himself recover from his death, and his loss of a hopeless, unobtainable love. when berlin kissed him, they both knew that would be the last they saw of eachother. they both knew berlin was willing to let himself die (both because of his illness and his love for his brother) during the heist. it left palermo with false hope, that maybe something could have come from it. but there never could have! that is their last interaction, and that is the last thought he leaves with martín. i wholly believe berlin was fully aware what that would do to him, and left with that as a little "you won't be forgetting me :)" because everything with berlin is Him Him Him. without the kiss, martín would have been able to heal so much quicker and easier.

palermo doesn't start to heal until two years later, when he gets involved in the bank heist. up until that point he blames sergio for the "love of his life"s death, but slowly comes to realise that this group of people that berlin died for are the most caring people. he begins to understand it. they are hurt, they have losed loved ones too, they are risking everything for a loved one. they are so much like him. does he make mistakes? YES! so does everyone in the group, but it is in his nature to stir trouble when he doesn't get his way. did his actions have awful consequences because of that? unfortunately, yes! but he regrets them. he is forgiven, even by those he probably shouldn't be forgiven by!

by the end martín is so much more in touch with his emotions, he realises that he doesnt have to settle for unobtainable love, and he can be loved unconditionally. he went into the bank heist for berlin, but came out of it with so much more. palermo would not have been in the place he was in by the end of it if andrés was still around.

money heist was so refreshing to watch as a queer person. queer relationships were not perfect. i understand the appeal of berlermo, i really do, but they are so unhealthy. i understand the need to cling onto any sort of gay rep because its so scarse in mainstream media, but there is so many queer stories in this show, and none of them are appreciated as much as berlermo, which i find kinda weird!! why is a relationship with a gay man and a straight man more adored than helsinki and palermo? two gay men who helped eachother through SO MUCH! what about the beautiful platonic soulmate relationship between helsinki and nairobi? what about the amazing transwoman, who was such a genuine representation of some trans struggles? please stop prioritising the cishet in queer stories. berlin is so important to so many characters, especially martín, but him as a love interest to martín shouldn't be the main focus in his story, because his whole arc was getting over him and moving on. in reality, he made martín the most unhappiest he had ever been.

#palermo is so important to me #if you couldn't tell #wish he was more appreciated #he is such a complex character and i just see so much hate for him (on tiktok)#money heist #lcdp #palermo lcdp #berlin lcdp #martin berrote #andres de fonollosa #long post #i dont mind people liking them #i just want people to understand they are really unhealthy #im kinda tired of the few posts i see abt money heist be abt berlin and acting as if hes not incredibly problematic #again! dont mind that people like him #i enjoy his character #just he's very hateable imo #hopefully this makes sense #im kinda tired #theres so many relationships that are healthy #yes they go through problems but that Is healthy #berlermo is just one big problem #i love doomed queer romance just #kinda bored of seeing ppl talk about them like they could be a thing #and the only thing stopping them is andrés death #kiss =/= genuine love #sincerely an angry gay aroace guy

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lasersheith · 3 months ago

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I need to get some feelings out about the US elections and related stuff and it's gonna be heavy. Back story first.

In 2022 I developed a severe neurological disorder. I was having daily migraines, losing my vision, having very strange and unsettling episodes I later learned were a type of seizure, and a whole host of other, largely less severe symptoms. I couldn't look at computer screens or direct sunlight or sometimes even have any light bulbs on in my house. Noise was excruciating to the point where I would sometimes vomit if my dogs barked too long or too loudly. It was miserable. I really thought I wanted to die instead of living like that.

A little over a year of monthly (or more) appointments and scans and medicines and specialists, my last resort was brain surgery. Thankfully it was largely very successful and my symptoms are so much less severe and I'm on a lot fewer medications now and there's no evidence my vision damage was permanent.

The week before surgery I wrote letters to my now husband and my best friend in case I didn't make it through the surgery or something went wrong post op. I've been suicidal before, in my teens and early 20s, and even got to the point where I'd written notes for people but this was so different. I'm still not really sure why it had such a profound effect on me but it did.

As I was writing what might have been the last words of mine they'd ever have to the two people I love most in this world I didn't feel the need to apologize for anything, or reassure them they did enough, or put any sadness into those letters. I told them how much I love them and why and thanked them for being the amazing people they are. I told them I wanted them to remember me fondly but to let me go and to live the rest of their lives knowing all I ever wanted was them to be as happy and loved as possible. Something about that process fundamentally changed me.

Moving on to the current time, the current shit sandwich we all have on our plates. So many people I know are feeling so hopeless and so defeated and several people have confided in me that they don't know if they want to be alive anymore and I don't know how to help.

It's not that I don't think things are going to be bad. I agree that they're going to be terrible and we all have a lot of work ahead of us and not all of us will make it out but I desperately want to be one of the ones who does. I really really want to live. I want to grow old with my husband. I want to finish all the stupid diy projects I have cluttering my basement. I want to read good books and eat good food and meet good people and enjoy all of the good things that life has to offer as long as I can.

But you can't just say to a loved one who is terrified and devastated and suicidal "hey cheer up, our rights are probably going to get taken away and our food is probably going to get even less regulated and we might not have weather tracking information anymore but at least we can make some really delicious cheesecake that probably won't give us e. coli at least for another couple of years" like that's not helpful at all.

But I also can't meet them at the despair because even if my food is poison and the weather is catastrophic and I don't have legal personhood I still want to live. I don't know. It's hard. Everything is hard. I just wish I knew what to say to other people who are hurting right now.

It feels very dissonant in my head. I am worried. I am angry. I am sad. It doesn't feel like there's much hope. But I'm hopeful anyway. I want to be here anyway. I want to help anyone I can in any way I can anyway.

Maybe I'll live to eat these words but even that doesn't bother me much as long as I'll be alive.

#personal #cw suicide mention #us politics #i have no idea what else to tag this #cw surgery #cw death

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whoops-im-obsessed · 1 year ago

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Tagged by @radioactivepigeons - thanks so much for the tag, this is so fun!!!

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason.*

First Fic - God, I think my first fic was some spin off of a teenage spy series on wattpad *shudders* but my first ao3 fic was a silly little abandoned newsies fic which was. Interesting. I will not link it but its up for archive purposes, I owe @radioactivepigeons a lot for the encouragement, not sure if I would be still writing now if it wasn't for that kindness :)

Latest Fic - is Queer Eye-Eye Captain! Which is an ofmd queer eye au and I will link it because it took me a year to write and I think its very fun. Its my first 'long fic' (ie. Its over like,, 2K) and it took a lot of effort to actually finish it instead of getting excited, posting it, and abandoning it 😅

Fic in a Fandom I Only Wrote Once For - there are a couple but I think we'll go with There's No Such Thing as Stupid Pain which is a little startrek disco one I wrote after a night shift when I hurt from lifting a patient weird. I adore startrek discovery but I've just never written anything else for it yk?

Favourite Fic in the Fandom I Wrote Most For - are any of us surprised that its newsies after my train wreck of a brain (and bank account) last year? I think my favourite is probably Go to Bed just because its cute and I like the UK Davey/Crutchie dynamic, with an honourable mention to Hear Her Voice and Hear it Still which isn't that well written but I love the concept for.

Fic I Wish More People Read - ooh hard one, maybe I am to See to it That I Do Not Lose You which was for the fic exchange, just because I wrote and rewrite it So. Many. Times.

Fic I Agonised Over the Most - It is what it is because it's an excerpt of a much larger fic sitting planned out in my wips that I really want to write but idk if it will ever happen. Shout out to Build a Problem which I accidentally abandoned bc it started sounding too much like something I would write in high school and it needs serious revisions

Fic that Sprang Fully Formed - Babywipe Blues it's only little but it practically wrote itself, only took me 10 minutes. Amazing what procrastination can do.

And a Work I'm Proud of - Queer Eye-Eye Captain! Again just because I'm loving it now and also You're Safe Now because even though I don't love how it was written now, someone liked it enough to translate it into French which I think is very cool :)

That was such a cool little fic review, I loved doing that, thanks for the tag!!!! Tagging @emmedoesntdomath and @baura-bear :)

#genuinely thank you pigeon for my whole ao3 account lmaoo #tag game #fanfiction #my writing

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zerolostwalks · 2 years ago

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"If I ask you to kiss me in front of all these people, will you do it?" gives off Carrie/Reggie vibes I'm just saying

Also for:

@bananakarenina: if I ask you to kiss me in front of all these people, would you do it? Shfdjgjdxkg I can't choose, so your choice

“Ms. Wilson.”

Carrie winces at the sharp use of her last name. The condescending tone one she’s used to by now. Normally she could easily brush it off. However today Reggie had decided to surprise her at work.

She avoids looking his way and focuses her attention on Mr. Palmer and his ridiculous pencil stache. “I hired you to bus tables, not socialize. Ms. Wilson. Consider this your last warning.”

Last and only warning, Carrie kept the thought to herself, focusing on remaining stoic, pleasant, amicable. “Yes, sir.”

“Wow, what an ass.” Reggie says as soon as Mr. Palmer is out of ear shot and heading back to his office.

“I told you I needed to focus on work.” She bites back her groan, and returns to wiping the table she had been working on before. Tries to not think about the increased whispering happening around her.

“Did he call you Ms. Wilson?” Reggie asks, and her spine stiffens. Guess he did catch that. He’s quieter when he continues to ask the question that keeps ruining her life. “Like Trevor Wilson?”

With a long measured breath she braces herself. Prepares for the sneers, the taunting, to lose him the same way she ends up losing everyone. “Yes, like Trevor Wilson.”

“That’s gotta suck. Sharing a name with that guy.”

She blinks, that’s a different approach than most people take when ridiculing her and her dad. She keeps her head ducked down as she moves to another table. “Well that happens when you're related.”

He hisses, and she has to imagine the expression he’s making since she’s still avoiding looking at him.

“Guess that means, you and I through then.” She says as matter of factly as she can manage.

“What? Why?” He sounds shocked, almost hurt? And the unexpected tone gets her to look up to see his face reflecting his tone. What kind of game is this?

“Because I’m Carrie Wilson. Trevor Wilson’s daughter.” She says, trying to figure out what his plan is. The confused look on his face not helping her own confusion.

“I don’t care about any of that.”

She scoffs, she’d heard that plenty of times before. But it was always the same story. In private and behind closed doors it was sweet words and affection but once in public, they always treated her like the outcast she and her family were. Unable to separate her from her father’s actions.

Even the ones who wanted to use her couldn’t stand the thought of being seen with her.

“Honestly, Carrie.” He says, and she’s struggling to read his expression. Struggling to see the hidden ulterior motive behind his pleading eyes. “I don’t care who your family is. You’re amazing and I don’t want to lose you because everyone else is too close minded to see that.”

“So what? If I asked you to kiss me in front of all these people, you’d do it?” Not that she needed to ask, he hadn’t even tried to hold her hand even before he knew who she really was. And the look of shock he now wore was confirmation enough.

She blinks back the familiar sting of tears, glad to have had the practice at facing this same disappointment over and over again. At least she knows that she’ll be able to keep it together until she gets home. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

His hand on her arm stops her from walking away. It’s the first time in years she can recall her composure ever breaking in public. Unable to contain her shock or hold back her gasp as he pulls her in tight against him. One hand warm on the small of her back, the other gently brushing her hair away from her face.

“If that’s what you want.” He whispers, no hint of a joke or antagonist teasing in his eyes. Her already erratic heart stutters all the more when he starts leaning toward her.

“But-but.” she leans back, still hardly believing what’s happening. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to push her away and scoff at how gullible she was in the name of saving his own image. “You’ve never even held my hand before.”

He does smile then, a confused wry little thing. “You always acted like you didn’t want me to.”

She wants to argue with him, to insist it was him avoiding contact with her. Thinks back to every interaction she can remember with him. How she would pull back if he got too close, despite the fact he didn’t know her full name, who she was. Just assuming she already knew how it was all meant to end even if she didn’t realize what she was doing and hoped otherwise.

“Oh.” She quietly says, swallowing around the sudden dry feeling in her throat as his forehead touches hers. “But what about what people will say?”

“I told you.” He says, thumb sweeping along her cheekbone, nose brushing against hers. “I don't care about any of that. I care about you.”

He certainly kisses her like he cares. She’s been kissed before, rushed or harsh. Nothing like the gentle way he initially brushes his lips with hers, only pressing harder when her hand slides up to his shoulder and pulls him closer.

He smiles down at her when they break apart, warm and open the same way he’s always smiled at her. The rest of the world falls silent around them. Though she hardly noticed, too focused on him. Too ecstatic to care about what anyone else might think.

#julie and the phantoms #jatp sweet tarts #reggie x carrie

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stardustinmyhands · 10 months ago

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4/9/24

I’m starting to gather my information for filing disability. This will be my 4th time filing. So starts that journey again.

I got into the store I wanted to transfer to. It’s just them getting me into the system under the right store number. This store is only like 10 minutes away from my new home. It has a lot of people over me in seniority, and I’ve been at this company for almost 9 years. Which shows me retention. My old store didn’t have that what so ever. So I hope I’m not the only one on my shift.

My stomach is hurting today. I’m living in zofran and atarax and adderall today. I don’t need tramadol, at least yet. I’m unpacking boxes as I work on filing for disability. I also dipped my veggies chicken nuggets in some honey, that maybe adding to my stomach hurting. Since I had gastric bypass I don’t take in a lot of sugar products, cause I don’t want to dump.

I have to say I handled this move very well. I packed most of the boxes. I found this apartment. I found the moving company we used.

This apartment feels more like home than my last apartment ever did. We’ve been here just over a week.

I’m also looking forward to finding my swimsuit so I can go swimming. That will feel so good on my back and joints. I will probably lose some weight.

Ok I know this is my chronic illness blog, but I’m obsessed with Gaga. She was seen in California, but look at that ring on her finger. If she’s engaged, I’m so happy for her. •••Since I was never able to have babies, and I dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl. I don’t know how I will feel if and when she has a baby. I will be so jealous. But I know she will be an amazing momma. I’ve learned to box that jealousy away. I don’t know when it will come out or be triggered in me. I will have to deal with that when the time comes•••

My apartment is a mess of boxes. We moved into a smaller apartment. I had a lot of stuff in my old room, including my king sized bed, and still had room for all my stuff.

But as my friends say moving takes time, and probably more time to unpack cause you have to find new homes for everything you unpack.

I’ve reconnected with a friend of mine. She was a friend of mine all through high school. She became a Mormon and married into the church, to someone I feel she should have never married. They are in the process of getting a divorce. I’m so proud of her. She’s blossoming into an amazing person. I feel our connection will stronger this time around. She’s living on her own, and has a car. She’s making it her own life. I’m very proud of her. She’s so open minded now. I feel I can tell her anything. I’m really looking forward to connecting with her.

Ok back to what I was doing.

#chronic illness #autoimmine disease #chronic life #chronic pain #spoonie #disability #Lady Gaga #infertility

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fakevariety · 11 months ago

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random appreciation posttt

ok so this kind is not relevant to anything currently i was just thinking about this butttt anyways there is this family my family is pretty close to and i’ve known them since i was in kindergarten and genuinely they are so amazing i have been friends with the son since kindergarten but have only been friends with the daughter for the past few years

and this family has always been there for me like one time my brother was at this sleepover camp and he got kicked out because he kept losing control and hurting people so my parents had to drive up there in the middle of the night to get him and it was such an awful experience and my parents had to find somewhere for me to go for the night so i ended up staying over with this family for the night and i went over just super upset about the whole thing and they were so nice and just made the whole evening actually really fun and i know it sounds like a small thing but my brother has been getting kicked out of camps his whole life and i finally thought it was getting better and then that happened and it genuinely meant the world to me that that family made my night so much better

and i love the kids in that family so much the son is my age and again i’ve been friends with him since i was very little and he has adhd and for a long time has been one of the ‘weird kids’ in my grade and i didn’t always treat him the best in elem school which i really regret because he has been bullied so much and i did not help but i recognize how great he is now and while he can be a bit annoying i am never letting someone talk shit about him again because he is such a great person and he’s so nice to hang out with and we don’t really talk a bunch rn but we still chat and i still really love him and trust him and he’s just amazing and i know i can always count on him

and his sister i didn’t really get close with until a few years ago when i started going to this writing camp with her since we both love writing we had always been friendly with each other and i’ve always liked her but camp made us get really close we spent all our time together and she’s so so so nice and i really trust her i’ve told her things i don’t tell most people besides my best friend and my other close friends and she knows things i haven’t told anyone else and she’s cishet but she’s genuinely an amazing ally and she listens to me talk about my obsessions and even gets into them and im really excited to go to camp with her this summer and i really love her and feel close to her and last summer during camp we ended up sharing a dorm which was SO FUN and each night we stayed up until eleven, we would just sit silently in a room together and work on our own wips and we’d help each other and i’m so excited for this summer and yeah

idk was randomly thinking abt that lmao

#don’t know if this post makes sense but

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beautifulhigh · 2 years ago

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On grief, feeling what we feel, and taking a step back

I’m writing this having literally just finished listening to an interview my cousin did on a radio show about grief, about the way we feel when we lose a relationship that isn’t romantic or familiaral. Losing a friendship, a collegiate relationship, having to say goodbye to someone close to you.

I have thoughts that I want to get out so they’re under the cut. Trigger warnings for death, grief, depression & anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and a whole bunch of other misery.

Part of why I’ve been feeling so lost recently is because the end of February is the anniversary of my best friend, and then her birthday is 1 March, so basically that week I end up whirling myself up into grief and solemnity and rememberance. Brina was Jewish, had meningitis, and so within the space of a week I’d gone from getting the first message that she was sick, to coming home from her funeral. It felt like, in that week, I didn’t have time to process it.

It was also the start of some epic shit at work, shit that would eventually push my anxiety into depression, into suicidal thoughts and self harm. It felt like the first domino to fall in my life: I lost my best friend, I lost my confidence at work, and it felt like I was losing everything. It felt like everything was coming for me and for a while I considered letting it win.

I’m getting to the stage now where I look back on that time and see it as something I couldn’t have changed, couldn’t have prevented. There was no way I could have stopped what happened, the sequence of events. I got help. I got out of teaching and while I missed it for a bit I don’t now. The timing of everything that’s happened in my life since I resigned summer of 2019 has been a stepping stone to get me to here.

And I mostly like here, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

Losing Bri hurts, but not like it did in that first year. When I would pick up my phone to message her only to remember as our thread got further and further down my list. I remember my phone breaking and I nearly had a panic attack because I thought I was going to lose all those messages. God bless Samsung and their autoback up and transfer.

I’m getting better at focusing on her memory being a blessing. Listening to my cousin talk in that interview about grief and how it doesn’t care whether you were family or in love or knew them for three score years and ten. Losing someone is still losing someone and you still have things that were yours, that you feel like you don’t have anymore.

It still hurts, it’s going to hurt for a long time to come, and it hurts more when people don’t see and recognise that pain. For those people still in my life who see me dealing with it - or trying to - and to then brush it off or try to push it away? I can’t deal with that. I won’t deal with that. This is my grief, my pain, my sorrow and my joy. You don’t have to come and sit with me in it but if you do I’ll tell you stories about dropping radios into canals, and wrong orders at restuarants, and sneaking backstage at a panto.

At that point something kicked off at work - someone was getting upset at how I was treating them, I was upset at how they were treating me, and in the “discussion” that was organised to deal with it it became very clear they weren’t interested in hearing my side of things. They told me that I don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life and I should think about how my actions could be taken, and when I tried to say “you have a point, here’s my story” I was talked over and shut down. It made me feel like my life, my thoughts didn’t mater.

This year I spent those Serious Days™ in Los Angeles. I got to meet Emma in person and I had the most amazing time. And so dealing with them felt easier and I was happy and I was making all the memories they say you should.

Then I got on a plane and I came home and I crashed. Big style. I didn’t want to go back to work because that last day I’d been shut out of a conversation. That anxiety made me pull back and not say much and even then it felt like anything I did say was coming with a side of “oh shut up Jen”. Because I was wrong about something (even when I wasn’t), because it wasn’t my place to say something (even when it was an open discussion). Because I was shutting people out (even when I was offering up something that no one else knew or hand experience of).

I felt lost, I felt alone, and I was honestly scared because my anxiety was bubbling up and those awful dark thoughts were back in my head. Because who actually wanted me around?

I even started to lose my place in fandom: I’d express an opinion on something and have someone reply with an essay about why all my thoughts on this were wrong and rude and oh my god I can’t believe you would attack us like this do you just hate people? I’d say something and get an “well ACTUALLY” response. Even when it wasn’t, everything started to feel like an attack and I needed to do something before I, well, did something.

It’s why my parting comment before my mini semi hiatus was to be kind to yourselves. Because I want to believe that those who said and did things towards me these past few months weren’t coming to attack me. I want to believe that words on a screen without tone feed into our own interpretations and understanding of things and this is why things were not taken the way that they should have been.

Probably on both sides.

I’m literally tearing up as I write this, and for once that’s not internet hyberbole. Because I’m still not OK, but I am better than I was. I miss my friend and I will always miss her and I need to get better at sitting with my grief all year ‘round so that the week in February/March doesn’t slam into me.

If someone isn’t going to listen to me, then that’s on them. If they won’t hear my side of the story then I can’t make them. It could be they don’t care, it could be that they’re not ready to. If when I get to say to someone, “hey this thing upset me” they don’t apologise? I can’t make them. “I’m sorry if” isn’t an apology - there’s no if when someone literally tells you how they feel. If they don’t think they did anything wrong then that isn’t my fault. I need to get better at believing that and not thinking that somehow I’ve fucked up.

It still feels like it. It still feels like I’m fucking up everything I touch and so hey, maybe I shouldn’t touch things like ever and maybe I should just fuck off...

I want to try and find my space in this world. I want to take up space and not only feel OK that I’m taking up space but to understand that I am allowed to take up space. I’m allowed to like things people don’t and I’m allowed to dislike things people like (with all the usual caveats about people getting hurt etc etc but seriously - if you read this and go WELL ACTUALLY then you haven’t been paying attention to what this post is trying to say. Fuck off of you want to willfully misinterpret it). I’m allowed to say what I think and what I feel and I am not only allowed to have people in my life who will care about that and respect me for it, but I deserve that.

I deserve people in my life who are willing to listen to how I feel. I deserve people in my life who apologise without any hesitation or attempt at equivocation when they upset me, whether it’s intentional or not. I deserve to feel what I feel and think what I think and not be made to feel bad or less because of it. I deserve to have the time and space to express what I’m feeling so it doesn’t end up coiled so tightly in my body I feel like I need to cut it out.

And I want to be here. In every sense of that phrase. I really, really do. But sometimes it’s really fucking hard.

I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I can’t make people be kinder to me - and god so many of you are already more supportive and loving and amazing than I could have ever hoped - but this is where I’m at. This is what has been happening to me. With me.

I’m OK, I haven’t relapsed. I was closer than I would have liked when I started this semi hiatus and I have only gotten better as a result. I’m stabilising on my meds so there’s another good point. I know I’m kinda around but I’m not back-back yet, and listening to my cousin talk about grief and relationships this evening made me realise that if I don’t face it, sit with it, live with it and deal with it, then this will just come around and around and around like the worst fucking merry-go-round there is.

Jen

#jen and her broken brain #an update of sorts #semi hiatus posting #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: death #tw: grief #tw: self harm #tw: sucidal thoughts

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sucknizzo · 3 months ago

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I don't know what this is, some cringe thoughts or some shit that belongs in my journal

I started watching this podcast made by two straight early 20 something dudes and I hate how much I love it

It feels like having friends again except when I remember I'm all alone and don't actually have any friends and that I suck at maintaining friends so I just focus on para social relationships instead

Also like I love how fucking emotionally aware gen z males are (at least some obviously) like when I was growing up mental health was a taboo and it was very much a time of people trying to break that stigma which was cool to be a part of but the shame is so real and you don't lose that so it amazing seeing young guys just talk about that shit so openly and there's no fucking internalized homophobia, it's amazing. like it does give me faith for younger generations which makes me feel so incredibly old saying that but it's weird when your generation fades into the background and is no longer the most captivating generation for people to talk about.

also like I think I've hit a turning point in therapy the last few weeks, we kinda started talking about things I haven't really focused on in therapy before (like in the 5+ years worth of therapy I've done), it's odd, but I think it's good. It's not necessarily dragging up old hurts, nor just rehashing the immediate past, it's very present focused which is cool.

I'm just getting a lot more in touch with my emotions and what I want out of life, I think turning 30 in the spring is honestly really just pressing on me.

Like I don't want to turn 30 without really putting the effort into building relationships and doing something different with my life. I really need to change jobs and I know I've been on that path the last few years but I feel like I'm really getting hungry for it and like instead of dulling and distracting from my emotions, I'm kind of leaning into these negative emotions (of boredom and loneliness) to actually drive meaningful change in myself. It's foreign but I think it is exactly what I need because it's actually listening to myself and feeling good when I make choices based on my authentic internal experience rather than always being concerned about what others think and need. Like in the past a lot (probably all) of me feeling the need to change jobs was based on the shame I had about my job. But now (and I just said this aloud last week in therapy) I'm just so fucking bored at my job, and I don't want my job to be my life, but I realize that I start to get unhappy at my job and unconsciously "pick fights" because I have nothing else to focus on. And there's also knowing that I am capable of more and I want to do something about. I know I'm still a ways off from changing jobs but I am witnessing my mindset really change over this topic.

It's like I'm sadder in a lot of ways but I've still the least depressed I've ever been I think. Like I have these moments (maybe a day or two) of being really down, maybe not getting out of my house, etc and I think like oh my god, here we are again, I'm always pulled back into the depression but then those moments end sooner rather than later and yeah I'd like to just not have these experiences at all but I do think that ultimately I'm so much more emotionally stable and in control than I've ever been before. And I'm sure some of this is just naturally aging and just seeing the world work with more objective eyes but I do think a lot has come from therapy in some way. I'm so grateful that I've gotten myself to this point. I'm proud of myself I think.

#this is fucking novel #i should have journaled this but my phone was already in my hand

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fantasticcloudcreation · 5 months ago

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I'm high so I'm just gonna ramble for a second

I bought an 8th on the way to the last festival and I still haven't finished it, I'm amazed. Went through 2 packs of gummies in the time between so that counts but I'm just amazed this bud is still hanging in there! One more bowl I think and then I'll restock on gummies before I leave and then decide if I want bud when I get to Texas, but we're in a hotel and I won't have my usual work buddies with me so maybe gummies will be enough, otherwise there's like a million people at work who can point me towards the local sources haha

Went for a walk today, my knees were hurting which either means I haven't been walking enough lately (yes) or it was colder today so that sometimes has an impact, or bad shoes, or of course my brain was like "what if I have some secret illness that causes problems with connective tissue" or something but realistically I just haven't been moving enough since I've been here. It was nice out though, windy and cloudy and kinda chilly, felt like fall, I'm glad I got to have one day of fall weather while I'm here before I head south for the next couple months :) it's gonna be hot af in TX but I'm trying not to think about it

Stepmom + stepsisters made dinner and cake today, it was delicious but stepmom was cutting ginormous slices of cake, I was like "can I request a smaller piece" and she was like "no" and gave me a big slice lmfao so I was like ok im not gonna be weird about it, took me longer than everyone else to finish it but I did eventually eat it all

The one stepsister that I was talking about being super skinny and going to the gym and everything and I was feeling all insecure about myself because of it, I noticed that she doesn't have a thïgh gäp and felt better about myself (can you believe I'm really out here judging myself/her against each other like bitch shes 23 relax lol) but at the same time I'm glad my gäp is securely Back like it's been around but now it's like, i love sitting down with my knees together lmfao why am i like this. I also looked at pics from my LW today and honestly my body doesn't look much different right now??? Which is weird bc I still have at least 10 pounds til I get there based on my last scale reading but maybe the muscle gain really makes that much of a difference?? I'll take pics when I stop by my brother's house again on the way to TX. Also looked at pics from my HW and it's so great to see that I've never been back to that since I lost it the first time, like I've been gaining+ losing the same 10-20 pounds since then but never gained back the full 30... Also grateful that I started all this before it got too high, like kinda crazy to think I've been in and out of disordered eating/"dieting" since I was 14 but at the same time looking at my before pics I never want to be that big again... in the grand scheme of things ("average american" and all that) it wasn't even that bad but for me I kinda would pick a lifetime of intermittent diet phases...? Also grateful that my "disordered " behaviors never get too out of control and I kinda just phase in and out of them over the years ... Idk life is weird!! Funny to think I'm comparing my current 28 year old body against pictures of my 17 year old body, funny that most people want to get back to their high school bodies and for me it's my HW/before pics. Funny to think about how I took those pics a couple months before junior prom bc I was going to get skinny for it (I didn't) funny how I didn't actually hit my LW til my fourth year in college /21 years old, funny how I'm still here comparing myself to pictures of my younger self at various ages.

I was also thinking about thïgh gäps and how I have a fucked up tailbone bc I fell on ice while snowboarding when I was younger and maybe that influences the thïgh gäp like maybe it caused my pelvis to tilt farther or something ?? Bc I have the narrowest hips lmao I had to buy a new pack for a backpacking trip a couple years ago bc my old pack couldn't tighten enough and the sales guy at the camping store was like "you have the narrowest hips I've ever seen" lol idk I feel like just based on my body structure there's no reason I'm in the club of girls with natural thïgh gäps but I'm glad it's working out that way??

Anyway. Besides the giant slice of cake, today was a good day :) sad I have to leave tomorrow but the next chapter is starting and it's gonna be great!!!

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jesseelmassalamy · 1 year ago

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Somehow, despite the heavy feelings in the room, Jesse managed to chuckle as he passed over the mug of coffee he'd prepared for Atlas. The good thing about being a barista was that he'd come to know how most everyone took the caffeinated drink. "Don't go to Lucky Joe's, noted." With a nod of his head, the Boston native urged the man to have a drink.

There was a lot of trouble going on behind the eyes of the man he'd come to know through meetings where neither of them spoke or shared.

Ocean eyes observed the struggle and torment ravage someone he'd witnessed carry the burdens of life fairly well. Life got everyone, snatched happiness here and there, no one made it out alive or unscathed. What Jesse was confident about was that if he'd survived continuous new levels of rock bottom, then so could this man.

"Don't apologize to me," he rasped, a look of understanding clear in his expression. It was society that needed to apologize for putting these kinds of stigmas out there, that had made it so shameful for people to not be perfect. That told people that they were wrong because life had beaten them up and broken them, and given them no room to find solace.

When Atlas did admit the truth out loud he gave him a moment to let it settle, to find relief in it being out there. It was no longer his burden alone to carry, because Jesse would be there every step of the way.

"I'm an alcoholic," the barista admitted, looking the other man in the eyes to prove he wasn't alone, "close to three years sober now. I struggle with it a lot, it's still the first thought of what I want to run to when the world wants too much."

Life felt cold and out of touch since Ashlee and his part in her demise, he still felt undeserving of continuing on when she had to have been buried. When Atlas shared some of the weight on his shoulders, it felt good— like he had something of a responsibility now.

"No one's perfect. People lose their way, change course, experience something that completely obscure who they once were. Whatever happened, you're still not your old man." Just like Jesse would never be anything like the amazing leader his own father was; a judge sitting high in a Massachusetts court system.

"Good," he answered to the confession of when Atlas had last had a drink, especially when he heard some of what had been compelling the man to chase the bottle. "Sorry, that's a lot for anyone, friend."

The former cop in him had alerted to one thing the other had said, and after a sip of the bitter and hot drink he leaned forward to rest his hands on the counter and leveled a strong gaze at the construction worker. "Did you do anything to that woman's sister?" Mostly, Jesse was fishing for more on why that would stress him out so much. There was no belief that this person he'd come to know would hurt anyone in some extreme way. "What's going on with your family? Is the pregnancy okay?" Maybe there was something he could do.

"This won't feel helpful in hearing it at first, it takes a while to sink in..." There was a pause for Atlas to brace himself. "It could always be worse." The barista almost hated saying such a thing but it worked, worked for him, when it had been said after he should have died.

"At least you haven't killed someone," his voice once again rasped, that time heavy with emotion for his own veiled confession. / @atlaswilliams

He felt out of place in his own home, a feeling that stemmed from knowing that in an instant, if his mother wanted, it would no longer be his. While he'd turned into all that it currently was, his name wasn't the one neatly written on the deed.

He watched as the barista navigated towards the kitchen and with a heavy feeling sinking into the pit of his stomach, he slowly followed in as if it weren't his home at all, head hung low as if he'd already struck out.

It was Jesse's voice that pulled him from the momentarily lull. "Tell that to Lucky Joe's. Worst coffee I've ever had in my whole goddamn life." The brew was more than just awful, but the bagels were some of the best he'd ever had. Shame even the thought of something as good as a toasted asiago sliced in half made his stomach churn.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee provided a feeling of comfort. So many mornings spent in a kitchen he'd redone from the floor up. His gaze wandered towards the nook he'd built, a smile cracking at every memory forged there. From messy scrambled eggs, to decorating cookies, it had long served it's purpose.

Do you have a problem? Five words. One question. Teeth raked harshly over his bottom lip and the faint throbbing at his temples deepened. If he uttered the three letter response aloud, there was no turning back. If he chose Maggie’s favorite word, it would knock him back from the large step he’d already taken.

Tears pricked at his dark hues and a thickness coated his throat. His mouth opened, a response daring to escape, but an inaudible response tumbled off his tongue.

“I’m sorry.” The construction worker forced air into his lungs, held, and exhaled as smoothly as his tight chest allowed. Who would have guessed that the breathing exercises he’d learned in order to teach his children how to manage tantrums would have worked just as well for his own imbalance of emotions.

In, out. Repeat. “I think so,” he trailed off, nodding before the confidence to fully lean into his confession sank into his bones. “Yes.” It was a problem and up until that very moment, he'd choked down the truth in fear of what would happen next.

When the ground didn't open up and swallow him whole, he released yet another breath and nodded to acknowledge the other's kind and reassuring words. "I don't know much about him. Just that he was a good dad and one day... he just lost it." He attempted to recall what Molly had told him about the man and as of that very moment, her warning about attempting to reach out had held true.

Don't do it, she'd told him and like the glutton for punishment he was, he'd do so anyway.

"It's been a few days." He'd tossed back half a bottle of whiskey in celebration of the new year, but it hadn't taken long for the happiness to evade him. Ever since, he'd picked up the occasional glass to ease the edge.

"There's this chick who thinks I did something to her sister," he added, a bit of life bleeding into his tone. She'd gone as far as showing up to his place, angry and as accusatory as one could be. "And there's the pregnancy and uh, some family shit going on with me. Let's just say I've got more than enough reasons to empty that cabinet," he trailed off, tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth as gaze shifted to the liquor stash in question. "But I haven't."

@jesseelmassalamy

#04 › atlas williams.#alcoholism recovery tw #alcoholism tw #missing persons tw

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miszswan · 2 years ago

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PEOPLE YOU KNOW - ii.

part 1

yall...i'm sorry about the length of this <3

It had been fifteen months. Fifteen months since she’d last seen him. Fifteen months since she gave up. Fifteen months since she finally chose herself.

If you were to ask Amiria when the horrible painful part of their relationship started, she could definitely say a year and a half into it.

She started noticing the slight increase in jealousy and possessiveness when she started booking more roles and traveled more. From Vancouver to London, a whole year where she wasn’t in the same place for long periods of time. Meeting new people, becoming close with many too.

Jack must’ve snapped because next thing she knew… she’d see clips of him dancing with other women on Instagram. She’d always confront him but eventually the apologies and promises became meaningless.

From FaceTimes of I love yous’, laughs and tales to FaceTimes that ended in tears, heartbreak and manipulation.

Amiria used to think that one day things would get better but overtime that became harder to believe. Somehow she found herself booking last minute flights to see his shows, spend a night with him and she’d return to work feeling more emotionally drained than before, all because he put the idea into her head that it was her fault that they were constantly arguing. So she tried her best to make it up to him.

Meanwhile it was never her fault. It was always his.

Time after time she’d risk her job and career for a man that would never put any effort into coming to her, times where Neelam, Urban, Clay, Sunni hell even Druski would come visit her on set. To see her in her prime. Not even when they were in the same city, he’d never come.

If there was one thing that Amiria Campbell hated about herself would definitely be how much hope she always had, how kind and thoughtful she was. Those were things that prevented her from seeing that this relationship was a losing game.

When they first met it was amazing, picnic dates every week, movie nights every month, wonderful memories filling the years.

It was honestly embarrassing that she had any more hope when she woke up the morning after and went to set. Found herself throwing up during her lunch break. Thinking that Jack would finally change due to the idea of a baby in the near future.

But she was proven wrong again.

While it was a spontaneous decision she left and hasn’t looked back since.

Did it take a while to get over him?

Yes?

Is she still hurting?

Also yes.

At times if she thinks about it too much she may find herself tearing up randomly but mostly the thing that triggered it the most would unfortunately but not surprisingly, her daughter.

Ani Maiah Margaret Campbell was absolutely perfect. She had the tint of Māori in her skin while bearing her fathers piercing blue eyes. With a mop of curls, courtesy of her father that were as brown as her mothers locks. The most perfect tiny hands and most adorable laugh.

She was the perfect creation of her and Jack. Whether she was planned or not. She was the Pandora’s box to all of her mothers good and bad memories of him.

But for the sake of her future and her daughters’ she had to erase the man from her heart and mind. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. She’d heal over time and rise like a phoenix from the ashes stronger than ever.

Every film and tv series she’d filmed over the past few years had been absolutely worth it.

So now a day had come. One of many. Amiria was honestly finding it very hard to sleep because of all the excitement for the premiere in a couple hours. While her mother and 6 month old daughter we’re having no trouble at all.

The three had flown to New York City a week prior for the premiere of Stranger Things Season 4.

Aroha Campbell had only heard her daughters rambles about being absolutely thrilled for everyone to see what they’d been working on for the past three years or her granddaughter trying to speak which often resulted in a bunch of random babbles and noises.

After spending a few weeks in Bunbury, Amiria returned to Atlanta accompanied by her mother who insisted on moving in with her for sometime. Aroha and Stephen knew thier would push everything… including her career aside to take care of her baby. They also knew how long and how hard she had to work to get to where she was and that if she took this long break it would be even harder to go further.

That’s how it’s been since April the previous year and Amiria couldn’t be more grateful for her parents. Ani was the most easy going baby and it was absolutely perfect, especially after everything Ami had gone through.

So now the three are in a hotel room in New York City. Her co stars in neighbouring rooms waiting for their stylists to arrive and prepare them for the red carpet.

Amiria slowly pulls her fingers out of her baby’s tiny hand and gets out of bed. After freshening up she quickly gives her daughter a bath and dresses her up.

Just as she gets a bottle of milk out of the mini fridge she hears a knock at the door.

“Morning Mrs Campbell.” Amiria hears the sound of her best friend greet her mother. “Good morning to the hottest most amazing single mom I know.” Camila adds on as she gets closer to the mother and daughter.

The moment Ani recognises the familiar face, her arms stretch up in efforts to reach her. “Good morning princess.” Camila coos as she tickles the babies stomach.

Ani let’s out a symphony of giggles that make the three women smile. Camila hands the ice coffee and chocolate croissant to her friend.

“You are a goddess.” Amiria praises her as she takes a sip of the cold drink.

“How did the princess sleep?”

“She was quiet.”

“As usual.” Camila mentions making Amiria snicker as she straps on her babies dipper.

“Thank you for going easy on your mother. She’s had a lot of sh-“ Amiria send her a look towards the end. “Stuff to deal with over the past year.”

“Nice save.” Amiria teases as she puts on the pink one piece onto Ani.

“But seriously I’m happy that she isn’t a lot to deal with. Not like he who shall not be named.” Camila rambles while Amiria makes funny faces to stop Ani from squirming.

After months of not seeing him. Hearing Camila ramble about her hatred for him was honestly one of the most entertaining things she had done. It honestly just made Amiria laugh.

“I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a year so he really shouldn’t matter anymore”

“Except he does. He’s still Ani’s father and one day she will ask questions about him. I mean you still talk to his mom, dad, Clay. I’m just surprised you didn’t run into him at the met gala a few weeks ago.”

“I know but I’m just avoiding the inevitable.”

“Which is?” Camila says wanting to hear Amiria admit it.

“Someday I’ll have to see him again.” She responds as she gently brushes her daughters hair.

“Which might been sooner than you think.” The moment the words left her mouth Amira paused. “Me knowing you, you’re going to invite the Harlow’s and if they come he surely will.”

Amiria had taken a low of time planning everything to the point where she knew that he wouldn’t be in Atlanta during that time.

“He won’t be in Atlanta or anywhere close to my house in a week Cam.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“He’s never given a shit about my family’s traditions. His family always mattered more, no matter the occasion or the holiday.” Amira assures her best friend. “Besides he has a couple shows in New York and LA.”

“Wait doesn’t that mean he’s in the same city as us-“ Camila starts before the two hear the door close and Aroha Campbell stands in the door frame with the bottle of milk in her hands.

As Campbell women spend a few minutes talking while Camilla plays with her Goddaughter, Amiria returns with the bottle. She takes her baby into her arms and the child begins to suck on the bottle.

“If I run into him, I’ll deal with it.” The words that come out of Amiria’s mouth catch Camila off guard.

Mainly because she’d gotten used to her best friend avoiding him at all possible moments. She was even shocked that she didn’t run into him at the Met Gala considering it wasn’t hard not to. Knowing Ami she probably ducked and dived, took the iconic mirror selfie and left with her head held high.

“I can take care of him if you need me to. I just need to yell at him in Portuguese and he will run away.” Camila offers as Ani continues to gently drink her milk. The baby’s eyes are closed and her mother watches her daughter with a look on none other than complete adoration.

“I can’t hide from him forever so I might as well acknowledge the fact that I will see him again one day. I’m still friends with Neelam and Urban, Druski and the rest of PG. So when I do I’ll deal with it then and make sure he stays the away from me and my family.”

As Amiria finishes her sentence, her daughter finishes the bottle. “We don’t need him, we’ll be okay taku iti. I’ll always protect you”

***

After many hours of getting ready ( outfit without the necklace and earrings) and putting Ani to sleep so she wouldn’t cry when she realized it was only her grandmother and her in the hotel room for the next several hours, Amiria finally hit the red carpet.

With her signature blinding smile she poses for every photographer in her presence. Then she does a few interviews and after a few minutes of autographs, meeting fans and hugging her co-stars she reaches her last interview.

“Amiria Campbell looking stunning as ever.” The interviewer greets the actress with a smile who does a little twirl. “Really sets the tone for this season? You've got to describe it for us.”

“All I can say is questions will be answered but more questions will be created too.”

“Does this apply to Manny too?”

Amiria purses her lips as she tries to think of an answer that doesn’t include spoilers. “In a way it does but you’ll just have to wait to find out.”

“Can’t wait but this is a big year for you. You’re set to star along side Tom Cruise and Miles Teller in Top Gun: Maverick which is a sequel to its iconic predecessor from the 80s, Yellowjackets was renewed for season 2, you wrote and are staring in a show for the MCU and you had a daughter only a couple months ago. You are doing it all.” The interviewer rambles making Amiria let out a laugh.

“It was a lot I’m not going to lie but I’ve had my family by my side through it all.”

“Will we ever find out who the clearly wonderful father of you beautiful daughter is?” For a split second the smile on her face faltered while a clear sudden look of despair fills her eyes but she quickly brightens them both up and continues.

“Give it like a decade so I can really surprise everyone. That’s the goal.” She ends off her little tease with a nod that she hopes is convincing.

She couldn’t let people ever find out. Not only did she feel embarrassed but she wanted to keep Jack Harlow and her family name away for as long as she possibly could.

“He must be very proud of you. He must be cheering you on from home” Her smile falters again but she picks it up again.

“He is.”

No he isn’t and he never would.

“Have a good night Amiria. We’re rooting for a happy Manaia Thompson this season.” The interviewer says as Amiria walks away.

***

Hours later, the episode had ended and the cast and crew were at the after party. Amiria had just come back from making a tiktok with Noah, Caleb and their sisters when she decided to go outside for a breather.

The night had been magical to say the least but Millie, Joseph along with the rest of her cast mates had noticed something was off.

Camila and Joseph were looking for her when the former found her in the parking lot sitting on the bench.

She slowly approaches her best friend, Camila frowns when she hears the familiar sniffs as she gets closer.

The moment Camila sat down beside her Amiria quickly wiped away the tears.

“Oh honey.” The Brazilian says as she pulls her into a side hug.

“I hate that I have to tell Ani one day that her father didn’t give a shit about her.” That sentence alone makes Camila tense up. “The whole world thinks we’re happy living this suburban parent lifestyle with a white picket fence and all that corny stuff.”

“I know you want that corny stuff honey.”

“I really wanted that. I don’t know what hurts more the fact that I let Jack break my heart so many times or the fact that one day, when my daughter is old enough, her father will break her heart. I don’t want her to end up like me.” Amiria continues to sob making Camila place a gentle kiss on top of her head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Going from the pride and joy of your whole neighbourhood to not even seeing it for 2 years because you kept going back to the same person who I let walk over me over and over, being treated like crap over and over. Cutting off your closest friends and family because you thought you knew the real him.” Amiria rambles as the many memories flood her brain. Who knew that a single question would cause everything to crumble? “I don’t want Ani to end up like me or Jack. My mom, dad or grandparents are much better candidates in my family tree.”

Camila was shocked to say the least. She takes Amirias face in her hands and wipes the streaks of mascara away with her thumbs. “First of all. Never say that bullshit again. You Amiria Imogen Maiah Campbell are the strongest person I’ve ever known. Ani would be lucky hell she’d be blessed to end up like you. You know why?” Amiria shakes her head as she sniffs gently.

“You fought for love my dear. Not just love but the future you wanted. You’ve grown so much. I remember you rambling to me after we went to that one film festival about how Oncology didn’t feel like your calling anymore how you would like to do something else with your life. I also remember how scared you were to tell your parents the truth but they were proud of you regardless. They still are or else they wouldn’t be flying half way across the world to be with you in a few days. You’re a single mother, you’re booked and busy, a show you wrote, starred and directed is coming out in a few months. The list goes on but babe! Come on, you’ve accomplished so much more than some of our fellow actors have in their 10 years in the industry. I can practically smell your Oscar!”

Amiria laughs as her best friends words materialise into the more brighter memories of the part few years. The ones without Jack. The ones where she would bring her film camera to work and take pictures with her cast mates. The ones where she’d put on her headphones and spend hours on her laptop writing the script she’d only dreamt about as a kid. The ones where she’d be with Urban, Druski or Neelam and she’d just found out she got nominated for her first Emmy and many other awards. The special moment where she first held her daughter despite the traumatic hours before.

All those good memories meant something.

“You are a badass Ames, never forget that. It’s not and it never will be your fault that you lost your fight for love. Jack never has and never will deserve you. He’ll never deserve that large ass heart of yours. If, no when Ani turns out like you, the world will become a thousand times better. I promise you.” Camila adds on making her lips upturn into a sweet smile. “One day you will find that person who will make you feel a hundred times better than that asshole. You’ll have the wedding of your dreams, the honeymoon of your dreams and you two will raise another badass and maybe have a few more. Whatever you chose to do, your future is bright babe. Got it?”

“Got it. Thanks Cam.”

“Always. I love you girl. I’ll always have your back.”

“Love you too.”

“Let’s get you freshened up because I think Noah wants to make more TikTok’s.” The two women stand up, link arms and walk back inside.

Just as they reach the bathroom, Amiria realises she left her phone on the bench and Camila offers to go get it.

She never expects to see him there.

There he stands, holding his exes phone in his hand, staring at the lock screen which is of Amiria and Ani. The mother holds the baby in her arms and the baby girl reaches for the stars with a gumless smile while Amiria shines her signature Peary grin. If Camila wasn’t radiating rage that was hotter than the fiery gates of hell she would've asked herself if she just saw Jackman tear up slightly.

He backs away slowly when he notices she’s there.

“This is a private event Jackman. What the fuck are you doing here.”

“I just want to talk to her.” He pleads.

“Absolutely not. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away.”

“Camila please. I just want to fix things, that’s all I want.”

“You think I give a damn about what you want. It’s always been about you. It’s been over a year and you’re still the same narcissistic asshole.” She pinches the bridge of her nose. “Can’t you for one second stop and maybe consider the fact that maybe she isn’t ready to see you or doesn’t even want to.”

“I have to make things right. I want to be there for her and A-“

“You of all people don’t get to say her name besides why did it take fifteen months for you to come to your senses? Is it because you don’t want the world to one day find out that you’re a fucking dead beat?”

“No, I’ve been trying to reach out for months but she’s blocked me on everything and I don’t blame her.”

“You really have some nerve.” Camila scoffs. “Give me the phone and if you ever truly cared about her, you’ll stay away.” She says as she snatches the red covered phone out of his hands and makes her way back to the door.

“I love her! And I’ll never forgive myself for everything that I did to her while we were together. I just need her to even look at me or say something. I wanna hold or just see my daughter not just a picture of her. We haven’t been apart for this long and it’s driving me insane Camila.”

“You had two out of the three years you two were together to fix yourself. At least now you know how she felt.”

“Camila please, I know she’s having her family tradition thing next week.”

“You never gave a damn about her family’s traditions.”

“I know my parents and Clay are going.”

“But you somehow didn’t make the invite list.” She mentions with sarcasm laced in her voice. “It’s a really important day for her and Ani.”

Vivid memories of Amiria rambling about her favorite traditions come to his mind but they’re all a blur because he never paid any attention.

He knew that if he wanted to get on Amiria’s good side again he’d have to play his cards right.

And her best friend wanting to murder him right now was definitely not the way to do it.

“Just tell her I’m sorry.”

“You can say it to her yourself when she actually wants to see you, until then. Stay away.”

With those last words Camila Mendes marches back through the door. As she gets closer to the main hall where everything was happening she can’t help but let her mind wonder.

She knew that one day Amiria would have to let Jack back into her life. She just hoped that no one would pressure her into it.

Once she’s back in the room where everyone is conversing in meaningless banter she spots Amiria, Gaten, Maya, Noah, Caleb and their sisters filming another Tiktok.

She chuckles as she makes her way to the group of seven.

Amiria notices her best friends pressence behind her and quickly walks towards her.

“What took you so long? You missed our song.”

Camila knew lying to Amiria now would get her no where. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Are you okay?” Amiria asks noticing the change in her friends mood since she saw her ten minutes ago.

“I’m fine Ames, let’s go ask the DJ to play our song again.” With that the two women link arms and walk towards him.

Sooo that was part two

Damn it, that was a lot😭😭

I’ll try make the next part shorter unless y’all don’t mind the long chapters?

Please let me know 🫶🏾

Anywhoo hope you enjoyed

Masterlist

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*let me know if you want to be added*

@a-moment-captured

@iheartharlow

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@msliz

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#miszswan talks #jack harlow #amiria campbell #people you know series #courtney eaton #amiria imogen maiah campbell #camila mendes #stranger things 4 #jack harlow x woc #jack harlow angst #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow x reader

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natashxromanovf · 3 years ago

Text

The Accident

Spencer Reid x paramedic!fem!reader

WORD COUNT: 1677

WARNINGS: a lot of dialogue (as always), mentions of a crash, mentions of a hospital, swearing

REQUESTED: no, hurt/comfort

SUMMARY: When an accident occurs, Spencer is worried out of his mind not knowing if something bad happened to you.

A/N: finally kinda done with requests, so i can write some of my ideas. this is a crossover between the show's criminal minds and chicago fire, but it’s not very relevant to the story. it’s more leaning against criminal minds (obviously, it's spencer) and it’s not chicago fire anymore cause it’s happening in quantico😂 gif credits to @toyboxboy

The sound of a siren goes off, signalling it’s time to go. You look up, eyes searching for your partner, just as she comes up behind you, tapping your shoulder.

“Ready?” she asks, earning a nod from you. You hop on the passenger's side, your partner sitting down on the driver's seat. The door opens and the two of you are on your way to help the old lady who, according to the dispatch, fell down the stairs. You just hope it’s not too bad.

“So, how’s it going with that agent of yours?” Shay suddenly asks, making you remember she’s one of the nosiest people you know.

“First of all, he’s a doctor. He’s very sensitive when it comes to that,” you laugh, the blonde mirroring your actions. “And it’s going amazing. He’s so sweet, I love it when he rambles about the most random things and even though I don’t know what he’s talking about half the time, it reminds me of home. I really don’t get why people are so annoyed by his facts,” you say, now already starting to ramble.

“Wow, you’re in bad, girl,” she states, a big grin on her face. It’s her thing - she’s happy when she knows people around her are too. And that’s one of the many things you love about her, even though it can hurt her from time to time.

“Don’t I know it,” you sigh, looking out the window, thinking about the genius. You’ve been dating for a couple of months now, almost a year actually, and he’s the best thing that has happened to you. Despite the horrible job he does, the horrors he sees he’s one of the nicest people in the world. He always tries to come home in time to at least kiss you goodnight, and when he’s on a case he never fails to find some time to call you.

“Can you check if we’re close already?” Shay questions, snapping you out of your thoughts. You hum, looking at the GPS.

“Yes, we should be there in half a minute,” you inform, just as the blonde passes an intersection. The next few things that happen are a complete blur - it all happened so quickly. A truck ran over a red light, crashing into the ambulance. You hear glass shattering, pieces of it falling everywhere. That’s the last thing you feel before darkness overtakes your senses, losing consciousness momentarily.

You slowly open your eyes, blinking a couple of times to adjust to the brightness. You can hear sirens from every direction, the sound still slightly muffled by the ringing in your ears. And then you feel a hand on your neck, stilling you as the other person wraps something around it.

“Y/N, can you hear me?” a voice calls out, a head appearing in front of your eyes. It takes some time to register who it is, just to recognise one of your co-workers.

“Matt?” you ask, all of a sudden aware of your aching muscles, literally feeling the pain in your bones.

“Yes it’s me, you’re going to be okay,” he mutters, letting the paramedics lift you up to a gurney.

“Shay?”

“She’s going to be fine,” Casey quickly replies, not wanting to scare you even further. The truth is, she’s in a far worse shape than you are, the truck crashed into her side.

“Please call Spencer,” you murmur, just before the doors of the ambulance close, Matt nodding.

It was a slow day at work for Spencer. There wasn’t a new case, just piles of paperwork. If he wanted to, he could finish it in an hour or two, but he really doesn’t feel like it today. He doesn’t know what’s happening but the day is somehow longer than usual. And it also seems like it’s affecting everyone, not just him.

Taking his eyes off the report he was working on, he looks across to Morgan’s desk, where the man is almost sleeping already. The genius quickly takes an eraser that was sitting on his desk, throwing it on Derek’s desk. That startles him, wildly opening his eyes before he realises what’s going on.

“Reiddd,” he groans, throwing the rubber back. Spencer just laughs, slightly shaking his head. Morgan was about to say something else but Spencer’s phone rings, shutting him up. He picks up, quiet chuckles still coming out of his throat.

“Hello, this is Spencer Reid,” he introduces himself because it was an unknown number.

“Hi, this is Matthew Casey I work-”

“With Y/N, yeah, I’ve heard great things about you,” Spencer finishes for the lieutenant. Slight worry settles itself into the younger man though, cause why would the man be calling him? “I’m sorry, but is everything okay?” Reid asks, a sigh is heard from the other end of the line. He knows that kind of sigh - it’s an “I’m about to deliver you some bad news” kind of sigh, he heard it a million times before, even did it himself. “What’s wrong?” he now says, his expression changing completely. That catches Derek’s attention, dropping whatever he was working on and focusing on the conversation instead.

“Y/N, she- she was in an accident. She’s fine, she just has a concussion, some bruises and cuts. She’s at the hospital now. If I’m honest, she was really lucky,” Casey finishes, worry now written all over Spencer’s face.

“Which hospital?” he almost whispers, his head still not fully wrapping around what happened. That alerts Morgan, standing up and coming to his friend’s desk.

“The one closest to our firehouse,” the blonde replies, still staying on the line despite someone calling him.

“I’m on my way,” the doctor states, hanging up and quickly walking to Hotch’s office. “Hotch,” he greets as he steps into his office just enough so his boss can see him.

“What is it?” Hotch quickly asks, knowing the expression on his team member’s face all too well. He can’t quite pinpoint what it is, but it’s bad.

“Y/N, she’s at the hospital, I have to- can I-”

“Yes, of course, take as much time as you need,” Aaron comments, standing up. “And please, don’t hesitate to call if you need anything,” he adds, Spencer already half on his way down the stairs.

“Morgan can you-”

“Right behind you, kid,” Derek mutters, grabbing his jacket and running after the genius.

Arriving at the hospital, they stop in the parking lot, Reid practically jumping out of the car. In a matter of seconds, he’s inside the hospital, frantically looking around for your coworkers. They’re all seated in chairs, some pacing up and down, running out of patience. He’s quick to approach them, startling some of the men.

“She’s okay,” Severide states the second your boyfriend is in the line of hearing. A breath leaves Spencer’s mouth, one he hasn’t even realised he was holding. Now that he knows you’re fine, there’s one more thing he has to ask, knowing both you and him have to know. Shay is the only person Spencer has officially met from the firehouse and he took a quick liking to the woman. She’s funny and makes people smile, so he’s happy you found a good friend in her.

“How’s Leslie?” he questions, a lump forming in his throat. He swallows hard, fearing the answer. A shake of Severide’s head is all it takes for him to know. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah, they’re operating on her right now,” Kelly informs, his voice slightly breaking at the end.

“Y/N’s in the room down the hall,” someone who Spencer assumes is Herman says, earning a nod as a thank you from the Agent. On the way he momentarily grabs Severide’s shoulder, squeezing it as a reminder that the blonde girl is going to be just fine. After all, she’s very strong from what Spencer heard. Kelly thanks him with a look and a small, sad smile.

Knocking on the door of the room where you’re in he opens them, stepping inside. Your sitting form immediately shifts to the intruder, quickly standing up and jumping into his arms. He wraps you in a tight hug, a little too tight considering your injuries but you don’t say anything, you’re just happy you’re in his arms again. A tear rolls down your cheek because right before you passed out, all you could think about is how you won’t see him again - but by some miracle he’s here, standing in front of you.

“Please don’t do that to me ever again,” Spencer whispers, his voice muffled by your hair. You just lean more into him, adjusting your hands. He presses a kiss to the side of your head, now his turn to cry. He also thought he lost you forever.

“Spencer, no one will tell me a thing. How’s- How’s she?” you manage to get out, slowly starting to pull away from him so you can see his face.

Spencer knows there’s no point in lying. After all, you do deserve a truth. “It’s bad. She’s in surgery, that’s all I know. The whole firehouse is out there, we can go wait with them if the doctor cleared you,” Spencer sympathetically implies, earning a firm nod from you. You stop quickly though, your head started pounding, just as the doctor said. You had a concussion, you knew your head was going to be a bitch for the next week or so.

“Please, I need to know,” you mutter, grabbing your things, accepting Spencer’s offered hand. He leads you to them, all of them looking up once they hear the footsteps.

“Oh, Y/N, we’re so glad you’re okay,” Gabby immediately stands up, wrapping you into a gentler hug than the one you received before this one. You take a deep breath, knowing how hard the next few hours will be. And all you can do is wait - wait with friends by your side, with the love of your life sitting next to you. But deep down, you know she’ll make it; she’s Leslie Elizabeth Shay for God’s sake.

criminal minds taglist: /

spencer reid: @hallecarey1

i hope you enjoyed this! don't forget to like, reblog and/or comment, it really helps writers with motivation <33

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#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fic #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds

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