#and still he's a match for Nandor

[indashadows]

I have strong feelings about this scene

[beansprean]

"So, how did Guillermo get started as Nandor's familiar?"

"Nadja and Nadjita Tell It"; my entry for the Rashomon-style AO3 collection "So How Did You Two Meet?"! Check out the other fic and art entries to see the other characters' perspectives!

(ID in alt and under cut)

ID: 1a. Wide shot of Nadja and Dolly wearing matching pinkish-red gowns with dark blue sleeves sitting side by side in armchairs in the foyer, stairs twisting up behind them, as they do a talking head. Nadja tosses her hands up and scowls, rolling her eyes, and says 'Guillermo? What was that, 80 years ago? How should I remember?' Dolly has an open pack of crayons tucked into the chair next to her and has a stack of paper as big as her torso in her hands. She scribbles on it with a red crayon and clicks her tongue dismissively, replying, 'I remember everything. Let me show you.' 1b. Tight shot of Dolly's eyes in extreme closeup in the foreground, Nadja waist-up in the background. Nadja turns toward Dolly with a frown, one hand held palm up beside her head, and points out gently, 'But you weren't even there, my sweet little piglet.' Dolly responds, eyes focused on her paper, 'Then tell me if I get anything wrong.' 1c. Medium shot from the front, focused on Dolly as she smiles and turns her paper around to show the camera a clumsy crayon drawing of the vampire mansion. Nadja leans on one arm of her chair and ducks her head to get a closer look. Dolly begins, her speech bubbles turning into gilded scrollwork, 'Once upon a time...' 1d. The panels are now parchment paper with crayon drawings. This one depicts Guillermo, his body made of a single circle with a head on top and stick arms and legs with little circles for hands and feet. There is a big frown on his face, and behind him is a house shape in green with double doors and a P on the front followed by ellipses. Dolly's voiceover continues: '...there was a sad, round little human man with broken eyes who had a job at... uh... P...Pan...' Nadja's speech bubble appears, now in curly pink script: 'I believe it was Panda Bread, agapoula mou.' Dolly: 'Ah, yes! He had the job making breads from the panda milk, one of the most lowly forms of human labor.' 1e. Repeat of the previous drawing, now with a few additions from Nadja with a pink crayon: the building is titled Panda Bread, Guillermo is holding a load of bread and has a tear in his eye, and arrows are pointing toward him reading 'sad' and 'virgin'. 1f. Drawing of Nandor, whose body is made in the same style but shaped like a triangle, kneeling on the ground and weeping loudly. Pink additions: smell lines, a long dick and balls between his legs, and text that reads 'Oh I am so lonely and I smell bad because my last familiar fell off the roof or some shit'. Dolly: 'Meanwhile on the Staten Island, there was also a pathetic, empty-headed buffoon of a vampire who spent every night crying about how lonely and smelly he was.' Nadja: 'That sounds right.' 1g. Dolly: 'And his beautiful housemate, Nadja-' Nadja: 'That sounds very right!' Dolly: '-kicked him in his ass and said 'Get out of here and don't come dragging your balls over this doorstep without a familiar to take care of you!' The page shows a slightly more detailed drawing of Nadja with full lips and long eyelashes and waves of glorious hair in a big fancy dress, arms and legs held straight out. Nandor, still crying, is crouched over in the foreground as one of her heeled feet kicks him in the butt and sends him flying. Pink additions: dick and balls on Nandor and text that reads 'owie my penis', larger boobs, earrings, rings, and fishnet stockings on Nadja and sparkles surrounding her entrance.

2a. A drawing, torn off on the bottom, showing Nandor standing with his arms out and mouth open in an O, hearts in his eyes as he sees Guillermo crouched by a crudely drawn panda with an udder, milking it into a bucket. Pink additions: Nandor's dick standing at attention, surrounded by hearts; Guillermo surrounded by stink lines and hearts. Dolly narrates: 'So the sad vampire went to the Panda Bread and found the delicious virgin. The vampire wanted to eat him immediately! But he had promised Nadja to bring back a familiar.' 2b. A drawing, torn off at the top, showing a series of Guillermos working: holding a loaf of fresh bread, sweeping the floor, and dusting the wall with his back to the viewer. Nandor stands nearby, pointing a finger in the air with a big grin as he gets an idea. Pink additions: stink lines and hearts around Guillermo, buttcheeks on the dusting Guillermo, Nandor's dick pointing straight up. Dolly's voiceover continues: 'And though he noticed that the virgin worked very hard, he smelled much too yummy-scrummy to bring home alive. So the vampire did the only thing he could do...' 2c. Briefly back in reality, a close up of Dolly smiling and holding up a paper with a single crayon drawing showing a naked Guillermo lying on the floor with his mouth wide open and his legs straight up, Nandor crouched between them. Pink additions: buttcheeks on Nandor, tit and a small dick and balls on Guillermo, text reading 'ooh ahh master' and 'i love you human man'. 2d. Drawing torn at the bottom showing Nandor and Guillermo, now dressed, holding hands and smiling in front of Nadja, who towers over them and gives them a thumbs up. Pink additions: hearts surrounding Nandor and Guillermo, limp dicks on them both, a crown, bat wings, rings, sparkles, bigger boobs, and fishnet stockings on Nadja. Dolly narrates: 'Once his cherry was thoroughly popped, the vampire brought his new familiar home for Nadja's approval.' 2e. Dolly's voiceover continues: 'And then she and her husband fucked all night with no weepy loser to interrupt them!' Drawing, torn at the top, of a naked Laszlo laying on his back on the ground smiling with his arms straight up in a cheer. Nadja, also naked, is straddling him backwards with her arms also up. Pink additions: hearts all around them, crowns and rings for them both, chest hair and tits for laszlo, tits and bush for Nadja along with bat wings, a crude interpretation of their genitals entwined, text by Laszlo reading 'i love my wife', text by Nadja reading 'finally i can be the little spoon'. Dolly's narration concludes with a fancy 'The End.' 2f. Back to reality; repeat of the first panel, wide shot of the foyer with Nadja and Dolly sitting beside each other. Dolly is proudly holding up the final drawing with a smile. Nadja grins at the camera, left elbow braced on the chair arm and idly twirling a blunt pink crayon in the air as she declares, 'Yeah, that was pretty much it. No notes.' /end ID

[hed-romancer]

WWDITS finale analysis

Making the finale be about the documentary ending was genius. What else would it be about? Nothing else in this story ever changes, the only thing the ending changes is that the documentary ends. It’s perfect.

The fact that Guillermo goes from being upset that it’s ending, to insisting it has a good ending, to deciding to lie to the camera to make up his own ending is perfect. For the entire show, the vampires never changed, and Guillermo always kept insisting on change while never actually leaving the situation. He doesn’t leave any of the times he’s said he will, he doesn’t stay a vampire when he finally becomes one, when he does go to canon capital, he doesn’t seem to mind Nandor and Nadja being there all that much, and he returns to them again at the end of the penultimate episode. He keeps insisting on changing without ever actually doing so. An ending where he insists on a conclusion, only to instead simply fake one for the camera, and still not leave the situation, like he’s always been doing, what they’ve all always been doing, is very thematic.

It’s just this reminder: he’s like them. He insists that he’s not, he pretends that he’s not. He says he’s growing and changing and becoming something different, but he’s kind of the same as he’s always been, kind of wants to stay that way, kind of wants to fake the change and stay the same, stay like them and stay with them.

In this show entirely about vampires not changing or growing or learning simply because they can continue on without having to, the inclusion of a human character being exactly the same but masking as something different is intriguing.

You can kinda feel It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s influence. There’s this one video essay (by quintonreviews) about how sitcoms always have the characters in the same situations again and again, never actually learning or growing, because that would kill the premise of the show, and how over time that makes the characters feel less real. And always sunny subverts this by having the whole premise of the sitcom be “these people never grow or change, and they’re terrible for it and getting worse”. And i think wwdits does that exact same concept, except instead of forty-something’s working at the same shitty bar for decades because every plan they’ve came up with to get a better life has been shit, its ancient vampires sitting around the same old house for decades or centuries because why bother improving anything when you can just use hypnosis to get what you want and most of what you want is already here?

Which i suppose is what makes Guillermo special: he’s a human but he can’t be hypnotized and he is drawn to the exact same lifestyle of sitting around in this house doing the same thing over and over. Except he wants to pretend he isn’t like that. It’s great!

Now, all that being said, wwdits in my opinion does not beat out the queerbaiting allegations. Some say it does, because it has canon queer characters. But we weren’t baited with canon queer characters, we were baited with a canon queer relationship, with queer relationships being treated with the same seriousness as male/female relationships. And wwdits doesn’t give us that, after clearly baiting us until the very fucking end. And the actors and showrunner going on about how nandermo can be friends and being friends is no less important than a romantic relationship are infuriating because you know they’re not actually trying to make some big statement about the equal validity of friendship. They’re openly mocking us in the finale! How dare fans want an ending that provides conclusion to this baited ship???

So then how do my feelings about the genius of showing that these characters never change and Guillermo is in the end just like them, just pretending he isn’t match up with my desire for nandermo to be canon? Frustration! Because we could’ve had both so fucking easily! All they had to do was, when Nandor and Guillermo think the cameras have stopped rolling and are giving up the game, have them kiss. It would’ve been a perfect wtf moment. It would’ve matched the theme of the finale- the question of how much of this is being played up for the camera, how much of the documentary is even real? It wouldn’t have even involved the characters changing, since we wouldn’t know how long nandermo had been together, just that they got together at some point. It would’ve been cute and funny, wondering how long have these characters been together behind the documentary’s back? It would’ve fit the tone of the finale and the premise of the story and avoided the queerbaiting allegations and it would’ve been so easy within the episode they already created to just add in a kiss.

We just wanted nandermo to be taken as seriously as Nadja and laszlo. Thats not even that seriously! Because it’s a comedy and we all know that! But they can’t even do that much!

[admrlthundrbolt]

Alone Together (Nandor the Relentless x Chubby Reader)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving to a new home to take care of your grandfather was one thing. But finding out that the neighbors are Vampires. Well nothing could prepare you for that. If only you noticed just how much attention Nandor gave you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi guys. I'm back at it again. I watched the newest season of What We do in the Shadows recently. Which reminded me of how much of a himbo Nador is. Including how quickly he falls in love. So it wasn't hard for him to become my muse.

Anywho, I hope you enjoy.

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Standing in the kitchen your gaze wandered to the window. The veiw was one you still hadn't gotten used to. Traveling halfway across the country can do that to you.

Turning back to the oatmeal that was bubbling away on the stove top, you stirred it. Spooning some into a couple of bowls, you set off for the living room.

“Here you go Papa.” Placing the bowl on a serving tray in front of him. You sat on the nearby couch, not yet eating.

He tore his eyes from the TV, playing old black and white reruns. Then frowned down at his breakfast. Placing his spoon in the oatmeal he scooped up a bit and let it fall back into the bowl. “Now I'm not one to complain.” You had to fight to keep the smile off of your face. “But honestly would it hurt to have something with a little more flavor?”

You let the smile slid onto your face as he finished. Heading to the kitchen you grabbed a jar of honey and started back. Only to give it a second thought, snatching up a tablespoon too. “I get where your coming from, really I do. But it's the doctor's orders, gotta watch your cholesterol.” Standing next to him you held out the jar. “I'll make you a deal. You can have a serving of this, if we watch something in color.” Noding he reaches for the jar. “That isn't the news.”

He deflated a bit at that, but still agreed. Then perked up suddenly and said. “Speaking of news, could you go grab the paper.”

“Sure, but I'm not leaving the honey.” Walking away, you chuckled at the mumbled obscenities that left his mouth.

Going out to grab the paper, you decided to check the mailbox as well. “Junk, junk, Bill, Nandor The Relentless?” It was an odd thing to see in a letter. Equally as bizarre was the ornate nature of the peice of mail. As you looked over the envelope, you realized that it wasn't your address. Glancing at the number's on the other nearby mailboxes, it seemed to match a neighbor's. It was the home that you had seen a nervous looking younger man. He was usually working on the yard or house. It was an older Gothic manor of a home, so the upkeep was probably brutal.

Heading back in you dropped the mail next to your grandfather's breakfast. Then turned and made for the front door again. “Going to give the neighbor's some of their mail we got.”

He nodded half heartedly as he stuck his nose in the newspaper. “OK, while your there see if they have something tastier for breakfast.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Waving your hand around, you beelined towards the mysterious letter owner. Not seeing anyone in the front yard, you made your way up to the front door and knocked. Glancing around the house as you waited, you couldn't help but admire the odd architecture. As you were about to knock again, thinking the home owner may not have heard you, the door swung open. It was the anxious guy and a camera crew? Raising a brow you held up the letter. “Hi, I live over there.” You pointed out your grandfather's house. “We got one of a piece of your mail, Mr. Nandor.” Holding it towards him, you smiled.

He seemed to be in a bit of a daze, until you moved the letter towards him. “Oh, thank you. I'm actually Guillermo, Nandor is my Master.” He seemed to flinch at his words and quickly changed the subject. “Isn't that Mr. Wilson's house. I didn't know he had moved.”

Shaking the odd feeling from your mind, you shook your head. “No, he's still there. He's my grandfather, after my grandmother passed. Well, I offered to move in and help out. It seems to be a good decision for both of us.”

He noticed how the smile slipped from your face as you explained. “I was sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing. I'm glad that Mr. Wilson has someone to count on.”

Your smile had returned at the statement. “That's if I can keep up with the old man. I'm (Y/N) by the way.” You held your hand out and was impressed with the grip his handshake had. “Speaking of, I should probably get back to the house. Before he sends out the search parties that is." Turning back towards your home, you threw a quick comment over your shoulder. “Hope to see you around."

This left a flustered Guillermo to rush back inside. Pushing the crew away from his flush expression, he made for his master's room. Placing the letter down on a nearby dresser. He left for his own room. To definitely not think about how great it would be to have someone outside of the vampire house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nandor was restless. Something was causing his slumber to constantly be interupted. That something happened to be a scent. The moment it entered his room he couldn't settle down. But his internal clock knew it was nowhere near sundown. So he tossed and turned, enduring the distraction.

“Morning Master.” Came the timid voice of Guillermo.

Before he could approach the coffin, Nandor burst from it. His glowing eyes searched the room. Taking deep breaths, he felt like a hound seeking out his prey. Following his nose he found a letter addressed to himself. Tearing it open, he rummaged for the source of the smell. Only to find that the letter itself was covered in the odor.

“Master?” The familiar glanced nervously at the documentary crew.

His nervous call, made the vampire finally notice that the familiar was in the room.

Gathering his composer, he turned to the other man. “Ah Guillermo, I was just inspecting this letter. Could you tell me why it smells this way.”

He was about to laugh off the notion, it was just a piece of mail. That was until he remembered how it got to the house, you. You had hand delivered the letter. He cringed at the thought of his master sinking his fangs into you. The new neighbor that was taking care of their newly widowed grandfather. So as his master glared expectantly down at him. He decided a half truth would be the best way to keep you safe. “It was delivered this morning. Maybe the post office has a new mailman.”

He towered over his familiar and a smile broke out on his face. “Yes, that must be it. A new person has started working at the postal building.” He placed the letter in his coffin. Trying and failing to be subtle about it. “Keep an eye out for this postal person. They may be more interesting than they lead on.”

“OK Master. Did you have anything planned for today.” Glancing at the crew He hoped the subject change would distract the vampire. At least enough to keep your name from spilling out of his mouth.

“Yes. I would like to look at horses. So I will need you to set up the light box.” With a flourish of his cape, he walked out of the room. A very relieved human following after.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taking a long swig from your water bottle, you wiped the sweat from your brow. The feeling of your muscles burning was a pleasant sensation. It was nice having a bit more free time. But the thought of sitting around all day was not the way you wanted to live.

You were thankful for all of the gyms that were a stones throw away from home. It honestly seemed like you couldn't go a couple of blocks without passing a gym. But hey, you weren't going to complain about a convenience.

Finishing out your set, you cleaned the machine. The warmth built up in your limbs made you decide it was time for a cool down. Seeing a few treadmills free, you went to grab a spot. Only to shift paths to the bikes as you spot a familiar face.

Sitting down next to him, you felt bad at how much you seemed to startle him. “Sorry buddy, didn't mean to spook you.” Starting to pedal the exercise bike, you hoped he didn't mind you setting up next to him.

He shook his head. “No, you're fine. Didn't expect to see you here is all.”

“I get that.” A stale silence lingered between the two if you. Thinking that a subject change would ease the tension, you said. “So did Nandor get their letter?”

His shoulders tensed a bit at the mention of his Master. Glancing at you, he saw the gentle expression on your face. He was reminded that you were a regular person. That just seemed as lonely as he felt sometimes. So he nodded and gave you a quick smile. “He did, he got a little excited about it too. You know how older people can be about letters though.”

You nodded. “Oh don't I know it. Everytime my Grandfather gets a personal letter in the mail you would think it was his birthday.”

This confirmed your suspension of Guillermo being in a similar situation as yourself. You had heard from another neighbor that there were a group of people that lived in the house with him. And seeing him do all of the yard work. Well it wasn't like some elderly people could handle those type of tasks. It made you like him even more, knowing that you could have a kinship through caring for others.

So you cycled next to each other and made plans to meet up at the gym more often. You loved the idea of having a workout buddy. While he was relieved that he could spend some time with you, away from the house of course.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finishing up another workout, you bid Guillermo a goodnight. No matter how many times you offered him a ride home he always declined. Even as the year settled into winter he still insisted. Something about how a brisk walk was how he preferred to end a workout.

Shaking your head at how odd he could act, you didn't notice the item in your path. Catching yourself on a nearby wall, you looked down. It was a worn out dark wallet. You picked it up to take to the front desk. Only to stop as you notice that Guillermo's license was in it. Walking to the front, you glanced either way down the sidewalk. His curly locks were nowhere in sight. With a shrug, you headed back towards the locker room. It wouldn't be a problem to drop it off to him. Plus it would be nice to meet the Nandor you've heard so much about. But had never had the opportunity to be introduced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hearing the front door open Nandor narrowed his brow. “Guillermo, come to the library. I wish to to purchase a item and need the plastic card.” The quick patter of footsteps followed the command.

“Coming Master.” Then a pause in his step and the sound of rustling. “Um, do you happen to know where my wallet is?”

Rolling his eyes, the Vampire rose from his seat. Making his way over to the familiar, he scoffed. “Of course not. If I did than I would not have asked you for the card.” Sending a look at the camera, he said. “Fucking guy.”

As the younger man went to tear his room apart, a knock rang through the house. “Could you please get that Master.” Then realizing that that could be seen as a demand he added. “So I can find the credit card for you.”

Throwing a hand over his shoulder, he headed to the entrance. “Very well, but don't expect this to become a regular thing.”

Swinging the door open he paused. He was sure that if he still needed breath to live, it would have caught. You were a beacon of beauty. A vision of soft splendor that he could loose himself in. Then your scent hit him and an indescribable hunger welled within him. A baser urge rose from within himself and he lunged towards you. Not sure what his inner instincts were forcing upon him.

Before you could get a word out, however, your muscle memory took over. Which caused the hand holding the wallet to strike out. Causing Nandor to halt in his movement.

“For fucks sake!” His hands cupped his nose and he was surprised to feel liquid. Pulling a hands back, he couldn't help but admire the blood coating his fingers. Glancing up at you he was taken aback at the compassionate expression on your face.

You quickly took his face into your hands and fussed over him. “I'm so sorry, it was just instinct. I can't believe I hurt you." Tugging a few tissues from you bag. You gently pressed them to his nose.

Even though he knew his vampiric powers had already healed him. He let you take care of him. Your touch was warm and gentle. Your soft hands flitted over his face in a pleasant manner that he could indulge in for hours.

The nose bleed had seemed to stop. Taking a step back,you gave him a nervous smile. “I really am sorry about all this. I just wanted to return Guillermo's wallet.” This caused the mystery man to step towards you.

“Why are you interested in seeking an audience with my familiar?” He had a disgruntled tone.

Brows furrowing at his statement, you repeated yourself. “I wanted to return his wallet. He dropped it at the gym and I thought I would give it to him. I mean it's not like it was out of my way or anything." You gestured to your home and sent him a hopefully pleasant grin.

Narrowing his eyes at the house. He wonder what else his familiar could be keeping from him. “I see, let me call for him.” Facing into the house, he said. “Guillermo, there is a visitor at the door.” Side eyeing the crew, he waited.

You both waited for him to return. Nandor took the time to admire you for a moment longer. While you were excited, yet confused, to learn about your friend's housemates. This honestly wasn't the situation you thought he was living in. Still it seemed that he helped the people he stayed with.

He jogged to the front, but slowed his stride at the sight in front of him. Two of the people he never wanted to meet, standing beside each other. His heart began racing. You being here was as surprising as you not being dead. The way his Master reacted to your scent. He belived if the vampire ever got downwind of you, it would be your end. Instead he was gazing down at you in wonder.

“Hey, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.” You sheepishly shifted your gazed to Nandor, then quickly back to him. “I just wanted to make sure you got this.” Holding the wallet out to him, you were happy to see the relief that spread across his face.

Taking it from your hand, he embraced you. “I can't believe you found it. Thank you (Y/N).” Shifting back, he was surprised to see the angry look on his Master's face.

“It's nothing really. You must have dropped it and when I happened to find it outside of the locker rooms. Well, I didn't think it would be a problem to drop it off. Not like it's a long trip or anything.” Grinning you pat his back.

Nandor stepped a bit closer to you. It seemed his familiar had grown close to what should be HIS. He had only known you a few moments. But he felt a possessiveness clawing at his insides. “Yes, she was just telling me about your time together at the gym. It has made my interest in the location grow. I should like to join you at your next session.”

Guillermo's eyes pleaded for you to say no. Knowing you though, there was no way that you would reject someone without a reason.

“Sure, the more the merrier.” Noticing how dark the sky had gotten, you stepped towards the door. “Text me the details Guillermo, I've got to get to my grandfather.”

Both men waved as you left. Each dreading you departure for very different reasons.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next gym trip was an interesting one. You didn't expect Nandor to show up in only a pair of tight ornate pants. But if that was what put him in the mood for a good burn, then who were you to judge. It also didn't hurt that it made it that much easier to observe him. His muscles twitching and veins pulsing. All while he lifted over five time your body weight. Well it didn't take long for the more steamy thoughts of what his muscle could help with.

He was thoroughly enjoying his time with you. It was a nice change to have a workout partner. Watching as you pushed your body and strengthen yourself. It was enough to make him go wild. How could something be so soft yet ferice? If only he didn't have to share you.

“That's great Guillermo, just one more press.” You loved to encourage him. IT always seemed to help him push to new heights.

Noticing the vampire sneer from the corner of his eye, he shook his head. “No. I can't keep going.”

Your smile faultered. He was shaking and his breath was pretty labored. Sliding behind him, you positioned your hands under the barbell. “OK. If you want to burnout, I've got you.” Nodding down at him, you prepared for the worst.

He felt guilty for worrying you. Until he saw his Master holding back a hiss. So he moved the weights and focused on you instead. The only person whose treated him like a human. No, a friend, in a long time. Taking all his frustration out on his muscles.

That is if his sweaty palms didn't slip from the barbell. You caught it, but a sickening pop came from your shoulder. Crying out, you lurched backwards to keep the weight from falling on him.

The vampire sprung into action. One hand pulling the equipment from you. He cradled you against him with the other. Touching your shoulder, he was relieved to see that it only seemed strained. Though his frown deepen at the way your breath hitched. He whipped towards the other man. “You idiot, were you trying to kill her. You know how fragile humans are.”

He barely paid the vampire any mind. “I'm so sorry (Y/N). Are you ok? What am I saying, of course your not.” He began to pace.

You placed a hand on his arm to stop him. “Hey, it's OK. I think it's only strained.” You gave him a reassuring smile. “I'll just have to stick to legs for a bit.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even after offering to take you to Urgent Care and paying. You still insisted that you were fine. That an ice pack and some sleep would do the trick. That didn't stop the men from escorting you home.

Guillermo rushed into their house, trying his best to ignore his Master. It did little good.

“You are a reckless idiot. How could you let her get injured. You should have let those weights crush you.” He followed him through the house. Pushong passed the crew, irritated. Watching as he rifled amongst his things, the Vampire grew enraged. “Are you even listening to me!”

Swinging around to face the taller man, he was red with anger. “How could I not. Look i know I screwed up. That's why I'm getting my heating pad. Alternating between heat and cold should help her recover faster.” Then he quickly walked to the front door.

Nandor enjoyed the thought of you healing faster. But frown at Guillermo being the one to cause it. “Then we will take it to her together.”

The familiar came to a sudden stop. “No, I'm going to see MY friend. If all of this is my fault, then I should be the one to take care of it.”

Glaring down at the shorter man, he could feel his nail digging into his palms. “That is why I should go. To make sure you don't kill them.”

His face became a blank mask to shroud his emotions. As calmly as he could manage he said. “Actually Master, I think you have a much better chance of taking their life. Now if you don't mind, I have something to see to. Including not worrying about being invited inside her home.” He left swiftly.

A fact that Nandor was both angry and relieved by. Huffing he went to confide in the only man in the house that was successful in love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Swaying through the air as a bat. He couldn't help but curse at having taken Laszlo's advice. How could he be stupid enough to believe that drinking from intoxicated humans would help. Now he was over thinking what you and his betrayal of a familiar were doing.

Veering away from his own home, he transformed back on your lawn. Stumbling to the front door, he didn't notice the light beginning to spill over the horizon. He called out to you, loudly wailing.

Making your way to the entrance, you were confused why someone would be here so early. That someone being a distraught Nandor was a surprise. Rubbing a hand across your face, you tried to focus on the situation.

He admired how your pajamas fit you. Taking a moment to try to commit the sight to memory. He attempted to throw himself into your embraced. But was halted by the very curse that Guillermo had thrown in his face. “Why must we be torn from each other?”

Staring at the man in bewilderment, you stepped forward. “Nandor, what are you talking about?”

He fell forward and wrapped his strong arms around you. Feeling your soft body fit against him pleasantly. “We are so different. You a human and me a vampire. You care for people, while I only think of them as food. Guillermo is right, I'm not good enough.”

Frowning at his drunken rambling, you heaved him towards your door. “I'm not sure what your getting on about. But why don't I get you some water and on the couch. Come on, let's get inside.”

He wiggled out of your arms, as much as he didn't want to. “No, you should be near me. I'm a monster that could kill you at any moment.” He turned to head home, but shrieked as the first rays of light hit his skin.

Shock ran through you. It felt as if a bucket of ice water had been poured over you. You let instinct take over as you yanked him inside. Flinging the door shut, you went to check over his burns. After seeing they were only minor wounds, you smiled. “OK, so that wasn't just the booze talking.”

“No, I would not lie to you, you are to precious. Even now you have saved a monster like me." He took your hands into his own and leaned forward.

You met his lips in a tender kiss. Pressing your forehead against his own, you took in a shuddering breath.

“Is everything OK? I thought I heard…. oh for christ's sake!” There stood a disheveled Guillermo, a frown tugging at his lips. When he brought you the heating pad earlier he seemed so upset. You decided to invited him to stay over. But with the situation at hand, you didn't consider calling out to him for help. “You couldn't even wait another day to make a move. This is so like you, taking without considering others feelings.”

“Hey that's not fair. She obviously likes me.” Almost falling over himself to stand up and face the other man. “Why must you stand in the way of love?”

The familiar stepped forward and shoved a finger into his chest. “Because you're a killer that falls in love every other month.”

You had stood to the side stunned. You didn't realise the impact you had made on their lives until now. As you thought about it, you knew that you felt the same. It would hurt your heart to not have these men in your life.

Stepping between them, you took a breath to steady yourself. “I'd like a say in this. Being that I am the subject of the fight after all.” Placing a hand on each of their chest, you smiled reassuringly. “I'm a big girl. If I want to be friends with someone. Or date someone, it's my choice in the end.” You gave each of them a pointed look that caused their masculine ego to deflate.

Guillermo was the first to speak. “What if you break up? You won't want anything to do with things that remind you of Nandor…. Including me.”

The desperation in his voice broke your heart. You brought him into a tight hug. “You can't predict what the future might bring. But I can promise you that I don't veiw you as an extension of Nandor. So the chances of me not wanting to be around you aren't happening.”

He sniffled as you seperated. “Thanks, that's reassuring to hear.”

Turning to the Vampire, you patted his chest. “Nandor, I like you, a lot. But let's take things slow. It's obvious that there's still something that we need to learn about one another.”

He gave you a wide grin. “As long as it is time I get to spend with. Then I am happy.”

Guiding everyone to the couch, you made sure they both were comfortable. A simle settled on your face. Settling on top of Nandor and pulling Guillermo onto yourself. A calm washed over your heart. Things may get rocky, but you guys could figure it out together in time.

[harveyguilleniconodelamoda]

It's Frickin' Bats!

Last night Harvey wore another custom embroidered suit to SAG-AFTRA's Emmy Nominees Night. This time, instead of florals, the suit featured blue bats in flight across the front, crescent moons down the sides on the sleeves and pant legs, and a very special back design which incorporates images of his fellow What We Do In The Shadows cast members.

The back features Laszlo, Nandor, and Nadja hanging upside down from a tree branch as bats (as seen in the show's season 1 promo images), and a portrait of Colin Robinson mid-feed, his eyes glowing blue.

The Guide is also included, with her season 5 portrait framed by bat wings located toward the bottom on the front of the suit's torso.

The suit also features blue piping along the bedazzled lapels, matching bedazzled pocket flaps on the jacket, and additional sparkle outlining the embroidery.

(I'm still waiting for additional details on the designer of this suit, and will reblog with those as they become available.)

This is a gorgeous on-theme suit to celebrate the show as it heads into its final season. If this is Harvey's look for nominees night, I can't wait to see what he wears to the awards show itself!

[darkshrimpemotions]

A little Nandermo fic for February (the first of many).

Read on AO3

Ever since Guillermo got back from England, Nandor has been acting very strange. Guillermo hasn't said anything about it. He hasn't asked. But he's noticed. How could he not? He spent every day by Nandor's side for twelve years. He knows him, all his habits and moods and tells.

He knows when he's lying, or hiding. He knows when he's upset, when he's holding something back. He knows what it looks like when he's nervous, sad, disappointed.

What he doesn't quite know is why Nandor seems to cycle through all those emotions and then some whenever they're alone together these days.

It started when he was first let out of the shipping crate--a grievance he is still going to exact vengeance on Nadja and Laszlo for, one of these days. Nandor was happy to see him, transparently so. It took Guillermo’s breath away a little, actually, even in the midst of his anger. He'd been away from Nandor for an entire year, and so much had changed, and he was so angry at him–for leaving without Guillermo, for not looking for him or reaching out. But even with all that, the sight of him knocked Guillermo back a step, made him feel like he had to run before he got pulled back into Nandor’s orbit.

Of course, that didn’t exactly go according to plan.

One minute he was screaming goodbye forever, the next he was falling, screaming, no time to think or take a breath before he was plunged into freezing, putrid water, flailing, his clothes weighing him down too much to get to the surface…

And then there were arms around him, holding him tight, lifting him up. He’d clutched at the hands on his chest, afraid to fall, and realized with a shock that he knew those arms, those hands.

Oh, was his first thought. I’m okay. Nandor’s got me.

Then he was in the air, Nandor practically squeezing the water he’d inhaled out of him before he set him down gently and immediately went to fetch him a towel and robe, without even being asked.

When their eyes met as Nandor handed the neatly folded pile over to him, it was like an audible click, two matching pieces of a puzzle slotting into place.

Guillermo had told himself he was just glad to be back home.

But then Nandor got all cryptic and serious, announcing his wedding plans and asking Guillermo to be his best man with the same gravitas he'd once asked him to travel the world. And then...

Then he’d actually looked disappointed when Guillermo said he wasn’t jealous. Nandor was subdued the rest of the day, in fact, even as he showed off his treasure horde and threw himself into discussing his wedding plans. Maybe no one else would notice it, but Guillermo did. 

And so the pattern had been set, and continued whenever they were alone together. When they’re wedding planning, or out on an errand, Nandor treats him so differently from before. He asks Guillermo’s opinions and actually seems to care about his answers. He remembers things, too, like that Guillermo needs to eat actual human food once in a while, and is supposed to have a day off each week. He laughs openly at Guillermo’s jokes now, instead of pretending to be annoyed by them.

Sometimes Guillermo will catch Nandor throwing him these little glances, too, his face open and delighted, just like that first night back. Like doing everyday, mundane things with Guillermo makes him so happy he can’t contain it behind his usual aloof façade.

Then, inevitably, he’ll meet Guillermo’s eyes and grow suddenly somber, devolving quickly into sad and distant. He'll start to fidget with his hands or his rings, avoiding Guillermo's eyes. Often he’ll suddenly recall something else he ought to be doing, and Guillermo won’t see him for the rest of the night.

Once could be chance, twice a coincidence…but Guillermo stopped counting after the sixth time this pattern repeated and he had to watch, bewildered, as Nandor ran off claiming he had forgotten an urgent favor for Laszlo. 

It’s driving Guillermo up the wall.

The thing is, he has his suspicions as to what this is all about. Unlikely as they might have once seemed, he doesn’t think he’s wrong about those suspicions…and all he can think is why now? Why, after years of indifference to lukewarm tolerance at best, does Nandor have to choose now to look at Guillermo like he actually sees him? To act like he wants Guillermo’s undivided attention, craves it even?

A year ago, hell, even six months ago Guillermo would’ve done anything to have Nandor treating him like this. But now…things are different. Complicated. He isn’t the same perpetually single twenty-something virgin with no social life pining after the man who is both the embodiment and gatekeeper of all his dreams. He’s thirty-one, and no longer single. Or a virgin. And maybe he’s starting to have new dreams now.

His boyfriend Freddie, for example. He’s a dream come true! Smart, sweet, attentive. A great listener. Thoughtful. Selfless, effusive. Guillermo never doubts his worth or that he’s wanted and appreciated when it comes to Freddie. He’s never felt lonely with Freddie right next to him. He never has to beg for scraps of affection, or brace himself for sudden rejections. Freddie was open and explicit about his attention, right from the start. If anything, Freddie is too effusive, reducing Guillermo to blushing and smiling so hard it hurts on a regular basis with his open displays of affection, pet names, and easy I love yous.

And okay, sure, he doesn’t know everything about Guillermo’s life. But if that was a disqualifier, well, then Guillermo’d just have to die alone, because what sane person could he ever share the whole truth of himself with? Nice men don’t typically go for guys who spent their twenties aiding and abetting in hundreds of murders. And that’s what Guillermo wants, what he needs right now. Someone nice.

So why did Nandor have to choose now to start giving Guillermo the attention and appreciation he’s been begging for since he was nineteen years old?

And why can’t Guillermo stop looking forward to those evenings he spends with Nandor, collecting stolen moments alone?

~

It all starts to come to a head on a rainy night in February.

Freddie is five hours ahead, so they had their Valentine’s Day video chat earlier in the evening. Now here Guillermo is, with the whole night stretching out empty before him, alone on Valentine’s Day despite having a boyfriend for the first time in his life. He tries not to let it get him down, smiling at the text full of heart emojis Freddie sent before he went to bed and the flowers currently blooming in a vase on Guillermo’s night stand. They arrived without warning on the doorstep early that morning, along with a sweet card Guillermo currently has pinned to the wall above his bed.

He isn’t alone on Valentine’s Day, he reminds himself. Not really. He had his time with Freddie, long-distance though it was, and now he can go about his night and pretend as though nothing at all special is happening this evening.

But of course, it isn’t that simple. Guillermo’s life never is. When he opens the curtain that conceals his room he nearly has a heart attack, leaping back to put distance between himself and the looming figure standing in his doorway.

“Relax, Guillermo, it is only me! Yeesh!”

Guillermo pries his fingers off the stake he dove for and draws his hand out, leaving the weapon hidden beneath his pillow.

“You can’t sneak up on me like that, Master!” He grouses. Nandor gives him an apologetic smile.

“What did you need?” Guillermo asks. Immediately, he knows something is up when Nandor starts fidgeting with the ring on his index finger.

“I was wondering if you would accompany me this evening. On a…” he hesitates. “On a walk.”

“A walk? Guillermo asks, eyebrow raised.

“Fine, a hunt!” Nandor says. “I wish to have company as I hunt for dinner in the park, and I do not wish that company to be Laszlo or Nadja this evening. They are very annoying to be around this time of year.”

Ah. Right. That makes sense. Guillermo shudders to imagine what those two are like on Valentine’s Day, given how they are the rest of the year. Thankfully, he has never had to witness it firsthand.

Now that he thinks about it…he almost always ends up on some sort of solo errand with Nandor on Valentine’s Day. Maybe this is why? Nandor doesn’t want to third-wheel on Nadja and Laszlo’s dates?

He smiles up at Nandor, trying to parse the mixture of warmth and annoyance at the thought that they’ve had a tradition all this time and he didn’t even realize it.

“Sure, Master,” he says. “I’d love to go on a hunt with you.”

He tries not to enjoy the look on Nandor’s face at his response, or the way it makes his heart skip a beat. This is nothing out of the ordinary, he insists to himself. Not if they’ve done it every year as long as they’ve known each other. It’s like…their Thing. Their friendly, totally platonic thing that he has no reason to feel a twinge of guilt about.

He grabs that excuse with both hands, and goes to get his coat.

~

Spring is coming on early this year, the night unseasonably warm for mid-February. Guillermo actually steps back inside after feeling the temperature to toss his coat at the coat rack, knowing he’ll be sweating in the humid spring air in no time if he wears it. Other than that it’s a beautiful night, the nearly-full moon filtering down through a thin blanket of clouds, casting everything in shades of blue shadow and soft silver. The air in the park smells of melting snow, wet grass, and ozone, foretelling oncoming rain. But for now there’s only a slight breeze that teases at Guillermo’s collar, sending little tendrils of chill down his neck as he takes two steps to keep pace with each one of Nandor’s long strides.

Nandor has been uncharacteristically quiet since they entered the park, but the silence feels comfortable between them. Easy. He keeps stealing glances at Guillermo when he thinks Guillermo isn’t looking. He’s also sticking to Guillermo’s side like glue, their arms or fingers brushing with every other step. For a moment, Guillermo entertains the giddy thought that Nandor is trying to “accidentally” hold his hand, like they’re teenagers on a first date.

But this is not a date, he reminds himself again sternly. This is just Guillermo and Nandor in the park, hunting for Nandor’s dinner and getting away from their housemates’ infernal, eternal honeymoon phase on the most disgustingly romantic night of the year. A little tradition between friends.

He makes himself believe that right up until the moment Nandor’s cool fingers brush against his own, curl around them, and grab hold. He’s so surprised he almost trips over his own two feet, and Nandor has to catch him before he nosedives into the sidewalk.

“Careful, Guillermo!” Nandor says, returning him to an upright position but not removing his hands from Guillermo’s arms. “You do not want to plant your face!”

Guillermo laughs nervously, stepping back out of Nandor’s reach and looking anywhere but into his eyes.

“Thank you, Master,” he says softly, feeling a telltale heat creeping into his face. Nandor accepts his thanks without comment and they continue walking, the silence no less companionable, but perhaps a little more charged than before. It occurs to Guillermo, as they head deeper into the park, that they haven’t seen a single person so far on their walk, and aren’t likely to. Guillermo has been following Nandor’s lead, since the whole point was to hunt for dinner…but Nandor has skirted around all the areas where people usually congregate this late, sticking close to the tree-lined paths that are always deserted by sundown.

He turns to point this out to his master, but something stops him. Maybe the way Nandor’s head jerks to his left, as though listening for the sound of potential prey and not hiding the fact that he was once again staring at Guillermo.

“Master?” Nandor turns as if nothing happened.

“Mmm?” He asks, raising one eyebrow. Guillermo suppresses a sigh. He might as well push a little, while he has Nandor alone.

“Is something wrong?” And there it is. Nandor looks caught out, his eyes sliding away from Guillermo’s immediately, his shoulders going just a little tense.

“Wrong? Whatever could be wrong?” Guillermo stops walking.

“I don’t know…you tell me, Nandor!” That gets his attention. Nandor freezes and turns to him, looking shiftier than ever. He starts to fiddle with his rings.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Nandor insists, not meeting his eyes. Guillermo fights his rising frustration, determined not to let this turn into an argument. He takes a step toward Nandor, reaching out a hand to pat him on the arm. Nandor doesn’t pull away from the touch, but he doesn’t quite relax into it either.

“Master,” he says, in the tone he might use if that were a pet name instead of a title indicating deference. “Please, whatever it is, you can tell me. You’ve been off ever since you got back from your trip.” He steps closer, looks up into Nandor’s face. Nandor still won’t meet his eyes.

“Is it the wedding? Are you worried about–”

Nandor doesn’t let him finish. At mention of the wedding, a spasm of frustration passes across his face, breaking through his attempts at composure at last. He fists his hands in Guillermo’s sweater, pulling him so close that his cool breath ghosts over Guillermo’s lips when he speaks. Nandor’s eyes aren’t avoiding Guillermo’s anymore. He feels pinned by that gaze, unable to move as it searches his own.

“You know very well,” he says, his voice somewhere between a growl and a purr. “That I am not thinking about that wedding right now.” 

Guillermo opens his mouth to reply, to ask Nandor what his problem is, to demand that Nandor let him go. Something. But before he can make his lips form the words, there’s a crack of thunder that seems to split open the sky. One second it’s a quiet, humid spring evening…the next, Guillermo is almost immediately soaked to the skin by the deluge of rain that comes pouring down, hours ahead of schedule.

Nandor releases his sweater only to grasp his hand, pulling him along without pausing to explain. Guillermo goes willingly, too stunned by Nandor’s words and the heart-pounding feeling of those hands pulling him in to put up any protest, or ask where Nandor is taking them. He leaves the path behind entirely, ducking through a gap in the trees following nothing Guillermo can sense or see. Then he turns, guides them through yet another gap in the trees, and Guillermo sees a little white gazebo up ahead, tucked away in a circle of trees and bushes.

Nandor pulls him up the few steps into the shelter of the gazebo, the rain still falling like a crystalline curtain all around, its dull roar making the rest of the world feel muted and far away. Guillermo removes his steamed-up glasses and blinks up at Nandor through the curls plastered to his forehead.

Nandor is, of course, more unfairly beautiful than ever in the rain. His hair is a silken curtain, strands of it falling out of his careful little bun to hang in his face. There are drops of water caught in his lashes, and he’s laughing as he pushes Guillermo’s sopping hair out of his eyes with gentle fingers. The sound is quiet and sweet beneath the cacophony of the storm outside this little bubble he’s created for the two of them. It wraps around him like a well-loved blanket, soft and warm.

Guillermo wonders what Nandor sees when he looks down at him like that. Does he ever look at Guillermo and think words like beautiful? Do his hands ache sometimes with the effort of not reaching out to touch? He’s been so nice to Guillermo lately, and it’s throwing him for a loop.

Freddie was nice to Guillermo from the very beginning. Freddie is sweet, and caring, and trusting, and never, ever leaves Guillermo wondering where they stand. He's life and sunshine and gentle sanding on Guillermo’s rough edges. He’s everything Guillermo should want in a boyfriend, and he doesn't deserve what Guillermo already knows will happen. He doesn't.

But Nandor...

Nandor is that thrill of possibility when the clock strikes midnight, the wildness that wakes in even timid hearts beneath the full moon, the thing that makes Guillermo shiver in the dark…but not with fear. Never with fear. He has been the subject of every fantasy Guillermo has had since he was nineteen years old. His unrequited first love, or so he always thought. His unlikely best friend. He is frustrating and confusing and terrible at timing and infuriatingly gorgeous, and…

He’s everything. It’s as simple as that. Blood and endless possibility and death, all wrapped up in eternity.

Guillermo covers Nandor’s hand on his face with one of his own, watches as the laughter fades from his eyes, replaced with something warm and wanting. Time seems to slow to a crawl around them, suspending them in the moment before everything changes.

It's death Guillermo’s been running after, flirting with, begging for all these years. Death of the scared, odd, timid little boy with no friends and no future who let people walk all over him. He’d wanted to kill that part of himself, put it out of its misery. He’d wanted to burst from his own chest, strong and undying and new. He thought Nandor could give him that, once, but now he knows: Nandor didn’t need to give him anything. He only called to what was living inside Guillermo all along. That final transformation, when it arrives, will just be a formality.

Some will say he killed the man he was and left a monster free to walk around in his skin. But what those people will never understand is that Guillermo has always felt like he was something a little bit monstrous. That's what happens to you when you grow up being told that people who feel the things you feel, want the things you want, are something to hate and fear and kill wherever you can. You can believe them and destroy yourself, you can burn yourself out trying to prove that they’re wrong about you…or you can decide you deserve to be happy regardless.

That was the decision he made, when he followed Nandor into the night all those years ago. That was what he felt the first time he picked up a stake to defend his family, the first time he stood up to Nandor and fought him and won. It’s what he feels now, with Nandor still looking down at him in that soft, new way that tells Guillermo he’s being seen and adored for exactly what he is. Every day of his life he’s spent feeling at home in his own skin, Nandor was never far away.

How can a relationship of a few months compare to that? How can it be wrong to reach for Nandor now, when he has always been Nandor's? This is just the universe righting itself at last.

At least, that's what Guillermo tells himself as he tangles his free hand in Nandor's wet hair and pulls him down into a kiss, finally, finally. He won't even have the excuse of "he kissed me first" later, and he doesn't want it. This is his choice. It was always going to be his choice, and he can’t find it in himself to be sorry for that. 

Nandor’s hand on his face slides back, carding through his hair, his other arm wrapping around Guillermo’s waist to pull him in close before simply lifting him off his feet entirely.

He gasps as he’s swept up into strong arms that hold him as easily as if he weighs nothing. He wraps both hands around Nandor’s neck, biting at his bottom and eliciting a dark chuckle that vibrates against Guillermo’s mouth and travels down his spine like lightning.

Maybe it isn’t Nandor who’s been off since they got back, after all. Maybe it was him, trying to pretend this fire burning in his chest had gone out when it’s never burned brighter. It doesn’t matter now. The last year, Freddie, all Guillermo’s attempts to put distance between himself and Nandor…none of it matters.

The whole world is just this night and the rain and Nandor’s mouth on his, and Guillermo wouldn’t have it any other way.

[nadjasnandor]

I know the new episode had all that delicious nandor/guillermo content but I just love that despite the fact that laszlo was in a catatonic state for weeks, he was still coherent enough to wear matching blue highlights with nadja

It's true love breaking through the veil of catatonic state to save fashion. 🤧

[bottombaron]

I think that Guillermo, at the end of Laszlo's 'Roast' party in episode 7, will reveal his secret.

The party will most certainly devolve into a roast of him instead, because of course it will. Because Nandor won't be able to make clever jokes or get anyone to laugh and in order to save his ego he'll do what he always does in those situations and sacrifice Guillermo in its place. He'll say unnecessarily cruel things because he thinks no one person can be more important to him than the fear of his own weakness. He'll pile it on too. One thing after the other. Maybe the other vampires invited to the roast will laugh along because familiars are easy marks. And the heat will build. There's only so many lashes Guillermo can take on behalf of Nandor's pride. And Laszlo, Nadja, and Colin are starting to grimace and wince.

And that's when Guillermo will do it.

He will stand up, with the chair he was sitting in making a horrible noise across the wood floor like a record scratch. To let you know that the party has been violently cut short.

And Laszlo will do a panicked head shake, maybe try to salvage the situation from the precipice that Nandor has unknowingly brought them to. That Guillermo is about to jump off of. With all of them helplessly attached.

Guillermo was put in the audience on the other side of the room. Already segregated from the rest of the group. He's in a room filled with vampires who were just laughing at him but now look. Nandor's peers. The whole vampire community is here, watching him.

Guillermo's vampires sit across from him at a long table with a podium, like a panel of judges. Like he's a prisoner standing before the pulpit awaiting a verdict. He's got one last moment to either swallow the pride he just started to embrace on a float earlier that year and sit back down, let himself be ridiculed like always but live to see another day ... or burn it all down like it deserves to be, with his plea of guilt.

Holding a struck match, Guillermo will finally speak the truth to Nandor. To everyone. The real truth. The one he hasn't spoken out loud yet. The one nobody knows.

He will say, "I have a joke." And everyone will listen.

"I paid to have some barely-turned, low-rank, nothing of a vampire. Who hasn't even been one longer than I have been a familiar…to bite me. And turn me. In the back room of a gas station where he works. And he did it."

"I've been turned by a vampire that wasn't my master. That wasn't you."

Guillermo's jittered, bitchy energy tapers. He no longer fidgets or looks around at the faces slack-jawed at him. He's gone cold.

Like a killer, he delivers the next blow straight at his master's heart, sitting across the room at the podium, similarly frozen in place.

"But that's not the joke."

"The joke is, I may not have known how taboo it was…that it would be such a big deal to everyone else…but I did know…" (he licks his lips and despite his unshakable intent the uncontrollable emotion he always carries inside him threatens to undo his composure. Still, he keeps his voice loud and steady. Mostly. His attention is focused. His eyes start getting a little wet, but he hardly notices. He's going to follow through.)

"I didn't even really do it because I wanted to. Not then, or like that. (Not with him). Not for the same reason I had wanted to do it before. Or the reason I told Laszlo and Nadja I did it."

"See…the joke is…"

(His voice has become softer. It still carries across the room easily. There is no one else in the whole house but Guillermo and Nandor.)

"I did it because I knew how it would make you feel."

"I did it because I wanted to hurt you."

[nellie-elizabeth]

What We Do in the Shadows: The Railroad (6x04)

Sean Rinaldi, how I love you.

Cons:

There's this little moment at the start where it seems like Nandor is crushing on the Guide? Now, I'm always complaining that they don't know what to do with the Guide character, and this episode is no exception... so maybe this could be funny or interesting? Maybe it's just a continuation from the hypnosis. It just seems kind of random and uninspired to me, though. Honestly, that goes for Jerry as well - he's here at the start of the episode to continue the whole "taking over America" plan, but it doesn't really go much of anywhere and this character hasn't really had much to do since his introduction in the first episode of the season. I guess we'll see if it all pays off!

Pros:

I thought the main plot and the subplot of this episode were both very strong overall!

Let's start with Colin and Lazlo teaming up to try and trick their neighbor and good pal Sean. This was the most fun I've had with a Lazlo and Colin match-up in a long while. I loved that they both took their responsibility to do the right thing by Sean so seriously, even if Colin was mostly going along with Lazlo's shenanigans. It's definitely a go big or go home situation, with them renting out an office space and hiring a bunch of actors to maintain their lie that they work for the railroad. The funniest part is Sean's inconsistent stupidity. His mental issues come from the over-hypnotizing that Lazlo has subjected him to over the years. So he's stupid enough not to know how to work the elevator, and not to notice that the man conducting his interview is a Frankenstein's monster, but he's smart enough to actually give a really great interview for this job that doesn't exist. That dichotomy is so fun. And Lazlo going on about how stupid he is, and then saying "he's my friend, I can't let him down" got a big laugh out of me.

Nadja is the bridge between this plot thread and the other one, and there's a fun scene where she dupes the finance bros into coming down to the fake railroad office to try and make a sale, and even though the lie is immediately apparent, they still end up thinking the property might be worth snatching up, so Nadja gets some further kudos with the Cannon crowd!

Of course, my favorite material is with Guillermo working his new job. His relationship with Jordan, his new boss, is taking on some master-familiar vibes. Guillermo helps Jordan down from his perch when he makes a speech, very like how he might have helped his master Nandor in and out of his coffin. He nearly slips up and calls him "master," and he is willing to take all manner of berating and abuse, all for the promise of advancement down the road, and the small crumbs of praise thrown his way. There's actually a rather complex character thing going on here with Guillermo. Because while he finally has excised himself from the unhealthy dynamic he had with his old boss, he's now falling right back into old patterns. And said old boss, or bosses if you include Nadja, are meanwhile right there actually working to support him. Nandor is willing to humble himself, and he actually says he's proud of Guillermo, and seems completely sincere in wanting him to be happy. There's no secret ploy from Nandor to get Guillermo fired so he'll come back to his old position. He seems genuinely pleased for his friend, if quietly heartbroken. 

And that's all compounded by the very tender and rather sad scene where Guillermo finally has to fire Nandor, after trying to avoid the task several times. Nandor doesn't turn on Guillermo, doesn't say anything nasty, but shakes his hand and quietly leaves. He tries to take it on the chin even when the camera crew are asking him about the situation. He does have a bit of a breakdown and throw a box down the hall, storming away from the cameras, but it all feels very... grounded and truly emotional, not a heightened and comedic reaction like you might have expected.

There's still a lot of comedy to be mined from the Guillermo and Nandor plot, such as Nandor's ridiculous janitorial tasks, such as mopping computer screens and throwing files away in the trash. Or Nadja's indignation about Guillermo's attitude now that he's making real strides in the workplace, forgetting that Nadja helped make it happen for him. Or Guillermo trying to justify the evils of capitalism by saying it's a net positive for the consumer to get a cheaper product, and a great working opportunity for children overseas. Yikes!

So yeah, this was probably the strongest episode of the season thus far. I'll be excited to see where Guillermo's plot goes from here. I have the sinking feeling that the season will end with Guillermo finally excising himself fully from the lives of the vampires, moving forward with his life while the vampires are stuck in the same old same old. We'll see if that's the direction they take it!

9/10

[ritalacochona]

Finale Thoughts...

I have just watched it once through and here are my initial feelings

The Morrigan Manor Episode was ok.

After the Guide tattled on Guillermo for the last episode it was harder for me to feel bad for her in a weird way. I felt like I understand why they aren't friends with her. She doesn't match their vibe at all. Also the oil paintings were too much sweetness. ( that being said I still love the Guide, I just hope we get more of her badass self next season)

Laszlo using the doc footage to save them was great though. Laszlo was top tier all season. The fencing fight was the disappearance I liked best. Matt Berry is so hilarious.

Felt like the reveal it was the Guide was poor/ to obvious and I mostly hoped to have Nandor find out about Guillermo for this episode.

I maybe need to watch again but for some reason I thought Nandor would react bigger when he finally found out.

Exit interview had a lot of highs and lows. Probably my least favorite finale of the show over all though.

High- I loved the gang protecting Guillermo. Each worrying for Guillermo in their own way. Nadja and Laszlo genuinely caring for him. Colin calls him Gigi. Nandor going to his moms house and then there mini fight to prove they trust each other also awesome. Nandor knowing how to fix Guillermo amazing. I was ecstatic when Guillermo finally turned. When he finally felt it. After all this time. The vamps all taking him to hunt awesome. They are a family. I also loved that it is Nandor that knows this is not for Guillermo. The Djinn. The whole crew coming together for the fake ceremony was a genius plan of nandor.

Lows- he turns back so fast. Like after 13 years of servitude, 5 seasons and this whole season? I would have loved for them to just end with the turning, then black. They could have used next season to explore Guillermo changing his mind. Very anticlimactic. Like no matter what everything has to comeback to the status quo. It was a little reminiscent of how the baby Colin stuff meant nothing, and how the time in London was also swept away. Something Something about how if you choose vampirism nothing ever changes maybe. I am also concerned about Guillermo not having that motivation anymore. He just loves the vamps so he stays as their butler? He received everything he wanted. Nandor said he would live their as their equal. So is that off now? Other stuff I was not happy with. Nadja's storyline was pointless in the end. They could have done a lot more with the Guide/Nadja thing. She wasn't even central to how it was resolved. Natasia Demetriu is so fantastic, I hope they finally start centering her next season. I also wish they would have left some kinda cliff hanger. Is that weird? Like is something happening with the creatures they made? The vampire council? The energy vampires? The over hypnotizing Staten island? No? Didn't know I would not like everything tidied up at the end. Also almost would have preferred Morrigan Manor air on its own.

Over all this season was fantastic. Pride Parade is one of the best episode of the whole series. Urgent Care, Local News and The Roast were also top class.

As for the Nandermo of it all, Last year kinda put me on the path to Gen ship them, Guillermo not wanting to be a vampire anymore makes me think the show will end with him leaving them behind.

If they are leaving the Guillermo wants to be a vampire behind I hope next season they give him really great new motivation or maybe just refocus on other characters stories instead. Especially Nadja .

[beansprean]

He did foreshadow this... Happy Halloween!!!! 👻

My Familiar's Ghost part 61

Masterpost

New pages on Patreon!

(ID in alt and under cut)

ID: 1a. Black panel on black background. In the far distance, faint speech bubbles. 1b. Repeat, panel lightens to dark gray, speech bubbles start to draw nearer and more into focus, but the text is still illegible. 1c. Close up on vampire Guillermo's eyes as they flutter open, a few stray blue sparks still reflecting in his iris. A fuzzy black fog begins to retreat from the edges of the panel, and speech bubbles come into focus enough to make out the words: '-let him beat the stupid shit out of you?' 'No, he was just very fast, and-' 1d. A wobbly panel from Guillermo's POV, still slightly blurry, fingers of black background shredding the edges of his vision. Nandor is close, still wearing the clothes from Panera and visible from chest to mouth, head turned toward Nadja who is positioned slightly behind him, Dolly in her lap. They are wearing matching purple gowns with a star pattern. Laszlo is visible from hip to shoulder in purple trousers and waistcoat, sleeves rolled up and held with garters, sitting on whatever surface Guillermo has found himself on and facing his wife. Nadja is yelling at Nandor, 'And now you've killed him dead and let him bleed on my sofa!' Nandor sputters back, 'It's not his blood!' 1e. Repeat, the panel wider and slightly less blurry as Guillermo wakes further. The three vampires and Dolly stop bickering and whip their heads toward Guillermo as he shakily announces, 'I...I'm home...'

2a. Shot of Guillermo laying on a sofa from the vampires' POV as he props himself up on one elbow, squinting and confused. He is still wearing the same striped button-up and chinos from before, but the blood stains have faded somewhat and viscera has been cleaned from his face and hands. Offscreen, the others react: 'Guillermo!' 'It's moving!' 'Guillermo?!' 'Well fuck me sideways, look at that.' The background outside the panels is progressively lightening to gray. 2b. Close up of Nandor from Guillermo's POV as he leans into view, eyes wide and concerned, one hand hovering towards him as if unsure where to touch. Behind him, Nadja leans forward with a sincerely happy grin, Dolly smiling from her lap. Nandor asks anxiously, 'Guillermo, are...are you...?' A voice offscreen interrupts, 'Wait!' 2c. Repeat. Colin, wearing a beige striped sweater, squeezes into frame between Nandor and the Nadjas, pushing them out of the way with his hands on their faces. Nadja and Nandor make identical expressions of wide-eyed annoyance. Colin looks desperate and worried, shouting, "Guillermo!!" 2d. Wide shot of the couch, Guillermo now sitting up fully with one foot on the ground, hands limp in his lap as he slumps forward. His eyes are closed and there are swirls of nauseous green floating around his head. Colin kneels beside the sofa, leaning toward Guillermo with his hands braced on the adjacent cushion and staring at him anxiously. Colin says, 'I have something very important to tell you.' Guillermo shakily asks, 'What is it, Colin Robinson?' Colin replies, 'You just lost the game.' 2e. Repeat. Guillermo goes a bit grayer than usual and rocks backward away from Colin, head flopping back as he squeezes his eyes shut as if to fight off a wave of nausea. A few wobbly waves of energy lift off his body and he lets out a loud but tired 'Ugh'. Colin wheezes out a laugh and whips his head back toward the other vampires with a huge excited grin on his face, eyes glowing bright blue. Offscreen, Nadja snaps, 'For fucks sake, Colin, he is limp and weak enough already!' Simultaneously, Laszlo praises, 'You did it boy, good show' and Nandor demands, 'Colin Robinson, stop draining him at once!' /end ID

[whomstwedointheshadows]

Season 6 Nandermo Prediction: Monty Python to Seinfeld to the Office Finale

In Honor of Reality TV House Flippers, I Present Vampires in Court TV

*CRACK ATTACK*

To honor Serial Killer Guillermo and the show subverting the reality/ sit-com format, I need the Staten Island Gang questing to face off the Big Bad. The Big Bad has a Network. They track them down, expanding their own territory, nutty vampire death sentences and leaning in to dark humor. Gore, bodies, glory everywhere. Evidence to one former familiar, everywhere, as vampires now help with cleaning up as as they are more equal in the house.

The Big Bad is revealed to be a holy terror and also cute as a bloodthirsty bunny. Bunnicula, the Big Bad, if you will.

See Murder Husband dream fighting together, Guillermo pledging to do whatever it takes to survive and come home together, overcoming this comically adorable foe. The fight is more glamor shots, inspiring questions of fan service and striking home Yes This Is Homoerotic and Camp until they win, plot feels rushed to audience but it’s clearly just a set up for Big Confession Time. Obviously they are Fully Realized and Ready for It, now show us!!

Vampires done vamping with the fallen head home, masses of dead-dead/undead cut up, ready for further dumping. Incriminating, but just the usual work for a familiar now shared. Matching gore and relief for Nandor and Guillermo, a picture of intimacy.

All these dead in the name of Flirting, they openly acknowledge, laugh together. Nandermo is here, the scene is tipping in to a Big Confession, Big Kiss… something…

In swarm the police, Humans, incongruous immediately with sense of culmination of fifteen years of pining. Trucks, helicopters, tanks against stakes. Completely lost the romance, dark humor into a Gritty True Crime NARRATIVE.

Narration of Colin Robinson expressing ACAB, but an energy vampire has to feed, won’t it be great when this airs? First acknowledgment the footage is broadcasting somewhere and he feeds from the viewer.

Too tired to kill them all, too many to immediately hypnotize. Nandor bats, at Guillermo insistence, now begins comical on-the-run and hypnosis witness tampering from the vampires. Wackiness includes decorating courtroom based on family side, sculpture and blood fountain delivery… but Guillermo somehow gets one day house arrest with his mother, Nandor does his best to arrange a tender Spa Day and they’re summoned back to night court. Night Court is of course, more nebulously supernatural and quickly kicks out of Mortal Prison into Farce with Consequences.

Mainly: Can someone explain the relationship of a rampaging slayer to his vampire former-master-warlord as they’re claiming new territory? How safe is the wider supernatural community, and are they like, a new conquering force or …another Thing? What to do about this?

Return of lawyer Lazlo, reference to hating the English during all the court proceedings (and damn isn’t this the ending of Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Seinfeld? -that was only because they were cowards that ran out of budget or wouldn’t get characters together, classic comedy half hours end with a wedding), public acknowledgement Guillermo’s a fucking slayer/serial killer to Silvia de la Cruz, seemingly friendly with Nandor and show of being peaceful amongst the crowd of supernaturals and, rather than fury of a Van Helsing, she shares she knew Memo had it bad for his boss. (Clearly, the Slayer bloodline doesn’t activate into killer mode, or is more controlled, when she understands them and isn’t surprised.)

Cue talkback scenes about an effing clip show in court as evidence, Nadja mostly focused on famous like OJ and explaining the web of who was horny when because what when presented with evidence, wearing matching wigs with Lazlo. Mimics Office Finale allowing for further commentary, still centered around present character interests. Definitely charting the course of Nandermo, getting more off camera stories of observing the Pining. Murder is framed in the context of caretaking and making Nandor horny, like they’re going out of their way to explain (to Silvia?) how involved her son is in their unit and vampire relations. Also, he’s a badass so no one fucks with him or those under his protection. Thank g- there’s this badass footage that doesn’t show Memo in too much danger or really, really hurt.

Cross examination of Nandermo by Lazlo, first kiss revealed years ago off screen, fucking all season, I love you’d exchanged but ‘I’ll be with you forever, whatever it takes’ WAS exchanged in the previous episode before battle, thus honeymoon glow and downright joyous-sexually charged battle.

Lawyer Lazlo: Do you think we have a fucking documentary crew and now we worry about courtrooms? Gizmo killed a theatre of vampires to save us and we took over the fucking council. Yes, we’re callous, we’re cruel, we’re insensitive to mortal and immortal suffering if it doesn’t concern ourselves. We’re killers, including our dramatic slayer here who’s the youngest but catching up on body count, and we’re a family. We love each other. We will protect each other. We’ll end anything that gets in our way, whatever it takes. Nandor, you’re up.

Nandor: *to put a button on the unable to drink blood, totally able to slay Guillermo arc, see previous fights up to Bunnicula, reference to be together forever, whatever it takes.*

Obviously Nandor has already discussed a big celebration for a possible yet-not-planned turning, but Guillermo suggested simple and ‘like a courthouse wedding, yes’ - Both understand the offer is on the table and Guillermo just says when he’s ready, and it’s okay if that turns out to be never. His hesitation has remained his ties with his Mom. It’s yes to all his life with Nandor, vampirism second concern when he’s accepted and ready as he can be for the consequences, specifically loosing his mom, who is not brain scramblie’d and here today, seeing all of Guillermo and his vampires.

Nandor, a strategist: welcome to our wedding!! Look at the public awe of your many conquered foes! You’re so amazing as a warrior and my closest friend. I am PROUD for EVERYONE to know you’re incredible and I’m head over heels for you, forever. Everyone includes your mom, as my family too, who is not killing all vampires on sight now! And everyone knows if they fuck with your vampire or slayer family, we’ll kill them and enjoy it together! Do you appreciate my intricate ritual of planning a wedding after you went and said yes to forever before I could propose after our many escalating battles together?

Guillermo: so, even with the documentary crew, we’ve always kept our intimacy for us. Yes, it was kinda toxic, but Nandor is my idiot, except when he’s a genius. And it feels good. To be proud of us. They celebrated me. So, let’s party.

Cut to everyone dirty, raunchy dancing, sloppy kissing, exceedingly graphic reception cut for rating. New glitter portrait of vampiric Nandor and Guillermo, kissing, sparkly bare chests in the Tigris, captioned ‘Honeymoon’

___

++Would love to see a parallel for the death of the historian in Monty Python leading to an arrest of King Arthur/Knights and the dead camera crew members leading to excessive workplace safety fines being the only lasting damage determined by the court.

+++Collin Robinson is somehow working for the prosecution, a corporate media outlet, and as expert testimony. No one is ever clear what the ‘trial’ actually is, he’s just fond of objections. Framing moves from court tv to royal wedding coverage, slowly edging the viewer wanting Nandermo confirmation about [yes, that is a glitter portrait from Nandor to Guillermo on 10 anniversary as master and familiar and here’s another one from later on their second anniversary.. of what? Well, how one can define a relationship is complex… oh! Let’s go frame by frame on these clips of their hands! ] confirming the bigger picture, Has segments devils advocating himself against Nancy Grace angry emotional vampire.

*** this is specifically a Crack!fic ideas playing with the idea all of Nandermo must be on camera, the viewer is primed for the next big step to be a confession or kiss, but what if we just jump straight to just married the dirty grinding, sloppy drunk kissing in public with all your family watching. Strikes me as a f-you to all the sweet chaste network gays, this is the suck and fuck show, babe

**** this is also a subversion of Guillermo resolving his arc as a vampire, having to be ‘ruthless’ enough, instead it’s about being assured in himself, what he wants, and cherished by those he loves. His found family accepting and making space for his family, because they care about his decisions and maybe he doesn’t have to choose, so they try. He’s gained the confidence in himself and is celebrated, welcomed, and supported by those he loves.

*****Listen, Nandor, was it kind of toxic to let your boyfriend get arrested and did you maybe plan a slaying rampage for the ‘gram- no one can quite prove, but good thinking if it was spur of the moment after the arrest, it tracks that a former warlord would yell about how awesome his spouse is and don’t fuck with us so they can have a bubble of peace due to the terror

[indigayghost]

Do you gave any cg laszlo headcannons 👉👈

Yes i do!!!!

He's a flip! Although he doesn't regress as frequently as the others

Nandor was the first that regressed in front of him. The first time he didn't understand and he was even a little weirded out by it, but the second time the novelty had worn out and he was left with just this deep urge to care for the little tiny baby in front of him

Nadja regressed for the first time helping him care for Nandor and from then on they mostly regress together

He loves to play for his babies!!!! He even plays the kid version of his classics (no grown up songs for the kids) and he eeeeeven play baby shark if Nandor looks at him like 🥺 for long enough

He will deny it, but he got really jealous when Guillermo started to care for them too, he thought they would replace him

He mostly overcame it but he still misses dressing Nandor when he chooses Guillermo to do it

He cried when little memo called him papa

He's a very funny cg but sometimes his activities are a little too dangerous for the babies (he really likes to plan heists. Guillermo and Nadja are thrilled by it but Nandor is too small to understand what's happening)

He was bit by a raccoon more times than he would like to admit trying to show the kids how to befriend them

He totally puts everyone in matching clothes

[cookinguptales]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💙

You know... I put off answering this for a while because I just could not choose five. And I still can't?? I have so many fics I've written, many of them for fandoms of one, and I find that I actually love a lot of them.

So... if you'll forgive me, I think I'll just talk about a whole bunch of fics that I love for a whole bunch of reasons.

(cut because... I really do talk about a lot of fics lmao)

I think these days a lot of people follow me for WWDITS/nandermo fic. It's one of my current loves, and I've really enjoyed writing for this fandom. I do wonder if I'll keep writing after nandermo becomes canon (or gets sunk for good) but in the meantime... I guess I'll just keep having a good time?

I think my favorite fic I've ever written for WWDITS is Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow, Too. I was looking at a bunch of prompts for the Trick-or-Treat Exchange (more on that later) and I ended up smushing several of them together in my head. But then the story really got away from me, I guess, as I really started to delve deep into Nandor's mind (a WILD place to be, I'm telling you) and it ended up not being posted for another month. Whoops?

Either way, though, I feel like I was really able to get at some of the ideas I'd been juggling with the characters for a long time at that point, and I think the prose itself was very nice at times. I did complicated things with that fic that I haven't done before, and in the end... I think I did a good job! It's probably the fic I'm proudest of in this fandom.

That said, I'd like to give Honorable Mentions to both When We Sway (I Go Weak) and Five Times Guillermo Helped Nandor Collect Semen (And One Time He Didn't) just because both of those fics involved me getting wildly out of my comfort zone. I think both of them seem a bit... outdated, maybe, after s4 and s5, but I think they match the tone of s3 nicely.

Sway was heavy on pining, something I feel like I'm good at writing, but also very heavy on physical action. As many of you know, I'm disabled! I have never waltzed. The kind of movement I described in that fic is not easy for me to do myself, and action scenes have always been difficult for me to write fluidly. So the fact that I was able to write both dancing and fighting convincingly in that fic made me really relieved. I got several comments from dancers telling me how well I'd captured dancing with a partner and like. PHEW. I did a ton of research and bro I was RELIEVED. So I do feel very proud of that.

Even more outside of my wheelhouse was both 5+1 things fics. I'd written a little bit of porn before this, even some for nandermo, but not much and I was largely dissatisfied with it. But boy did I get a lot of practice with those fics. lmao. It was essentially 11 sex scenes of various levels of filth loosely strung together with longing, and like... honestly, I'm very pleased at how most of them turned out! And I think I'm a lot better at writing porn now, even if it always turns out very fucking weird and introspective.

Speaking of weird.

The other fandom I love dearly these days is Sleep No More, which I've been writing for for several years. For a long time, I mostly just wrote this one for exchanges? Mostly ToT and Yuletide. I love writing for SNM, an interactive theater situation in NYC, because I can really fuck around with writing styles. I can play with ideas about religion and folklore and magic and blood and storytelling and tradition, and I can do it while writing some of the most fucked-up relationships that exist. I can play with a show that has very little spoken word, where a slap and a kiss might be in the same loosely choreographed dance, where I get to be a part of this haunted house, but only as a ghost...

While I'm sure the very few people who usually read my SNM fic might disagree, I think my favorite thing I've ever written for SNM is It's A Sin to Tell A Lie. It was my first time really trying to assemble a semi-coherent narrative from the show (largely inspired by some things that I realize now were not always common experiences in the show lmao) so I'm not sure it always aligns with how I see the characters now, but I feel like I wrote a really haunting fic that used the source material in interesting ways.

The Honorable Mention this time goes to The Consequence of Sounds, which is probably the strangest thing I've ever written. A friend of mine joked that she'd like it even if someone wrote like a haunted space hotel AU for the show and that apparently scratched something insane in my brain, so... I wrote a fic that combined space opera, Macbeth, Scottish folk magic, and the music of the spheres.

It's....... very weird. But it was also so fun to write, and I think it was fairly successful. I think the point of fanfiction is weaving together a familiar canon in a brand-new way, and I had fun bringing odd little allusions and old ideas into a new AU. I had to get really creative and that was so fun.

Speaking of weird AUs... I wrote a lot of them when I used to write karabita. haha. This is another one of those fandoms that I picked up a lot of followers with, though idk if any still follow me. Osomatsu-san was a weird comedy show that threw itself into surrealism and AUs very often, and that allowed me to do the same. I think... out of the many, many karabita fics I wrote, my favorite might be Love's Carriers, which is a flower shop AU I wrote out of spite after someone told me that all flower shop AUs are terrible. I worked really, really hard to make the AU suit the characters rather than the other way around while also incorporating flower language, one of my favorite stupid tropes. Again, I think this one came out surprisingly well, especially considering I wrote it in like... 24 hours in a fit of pique. lmao.

Other fics I remember being very proud of in that era... uh... The odd karabita KH AU that no one read because there is basically zero crossover between those fandoms... The soulmark AU because I am WEAK to those... The wingfic... ah... the wingfic... I don't know if I'd use words like "best" or "favorite" for that wingfic, but... I do think it's probably the most I've ever put of myself into a fic. The anxieties re: love and disability that I put into that fic were so real that I still cry every time I look at certain parts of it. I've grown as a person since writing it, but... yeah, those are still fears that haunt me. So I guess I could say it feels the most "me" of any of them I ever wrote.

Other than that... I guess we end up in my exchange fic era. I spent many years writing fic of extremely variable quality for exchanges lmao. I think the most successful was undoubtedly there's not a word yet (for old friends who just met), the muppets slash fic that launched... god, honestly. like. I know I did not create a fandom, but being in at the ground floor and being the one that everyone came to talk to when the pairing DID get off the ground was surreal. lmao. I created that tag on AO3! Everyone said I was crazy for writing that fic! Then they read it and they fell in love a little bit! Then the pairing became canon and everything went bananas! What a weird, surreal, delightful fandom experience.

That Muppets fic really came from the heart and really just came from me writing a fic during a very difficult time in my life and wanting to create a love letter to the characters that got me through it. I wanted to make other people feel the way The Muppets made me feel, and the fact that I succeeded in that (against all odds!) really does make that one special to me.

But... I wrote a ton of exchange fics for tiny, tiny fandoms that most people have never considered! Weird spooky crossover f/f ships, like my Crazy Rich Asians/Ready Or Not Astrid/Grace fic, or my Stoker/Sharp Objects India/Amma fic! Rarepairs like my Kimi no Na wa (Your Name) f/f Mitsuha/Miki fic! An unhinged lost episode of Puppet History! Character studies of dear little elderly murderers in Arsenic and Old Lace!

I also wrote sort of quasi-original fic, especially for the ToT exchange. Ghosts of dinosaurs falling in love with each other in a museum (inspired by a real historical case of the wrong skull being on a skeleton -- and god, that one has a hilarious IRL story attached to it) and a pet shop full of the ghosts of animals longing for companionship and grim reapers grappling with life and death and forbidden love. Mann I loved writing those.

And honestly??? I could write entire posts about any of the fics I'm talking about here. I love them, especially the ones that weren't really loved by anyone else. Hell, I'm turning that pet shop into an extended f/f origific right now.

Writing fic for tiny fandoms of one or two for an exchange feels so bittersweet because you can make that person really happy (and, not to toot my own horn, but I tend to make recipients really happy in exchanges) but it just kind of... fades away. Those stories sometimes have very short lifespans just because they're really just for one person. It's not a good or bad thing, just the nature of exchanges. I love designing a fic that's tailored to one person's likes, dislikes, and deepest desires. It's so fun for me. But it is kind of sad to see those fics fall by the wayside after. So I have to love them enough to make up for it. haha.

Finally... a fic I adored writing, that absolutely consumed me, and it's for a fandom that is basically nonexistent. I loved going to Meow Wolf's House of Eternal Return and experiencing the work of hundreds of artists all coming together to make something great. I wanted to add my art, too. No one is out here looking for HoER fic, especially not for the pairing I wrote, but like. BOY, if there's any fic I've ever written that's the definition of "I wrote this for me", it's Gnosis.

Anyway, yeah, I've been posting fic on AO3 for *checks* almost 15 years now, so I guess it makes sense that I can't narrow this down to just five, lmao. But I'm also trying not to go on too much.

But seriously, seriously, if anyone wants me to talk more about these fics or any other that I've written, I would be so incredibly happy to give you a play-by-play of what I was thinking, what I was trying to do, what I liked, what I disliked, what I'd change now, what changed me, etc. I think any author would be haha.

But I'll cut this short now!! As for who to tag... honestly, since I read so much fiction for a living these days, I don't really read fanfic anymore. I'm not sure who I follow writes it anymore. I have most fic tags filtered, being real with you. So... how about this. If you are a writer and you want me to tag you, just lmk!!! And I will send you the message.

[weirdbabs]

i had a dream that guillermo had been approached by a legendary vampire (like. the actual dracula or something like that) who told him that he could fix his problem and make him a full vampire. so guillermo ends up doing everything he says, which includes roping derek into it, and at the cumulation of it all the vampire had him kill derek which guillermo, whos so desperate to finally become a full vampire, does. and it does work, guillermo gets everything he wants from dereks death and thanks the vampire, only for the vampire to tell him that its just the start bc next theyre going to kill the house vamps (to somehow become more powerful thru their deaths?) which guillermo is opposed to

the vamp insults guillermo, telling him that hes too weak to seek real power and that he had no issues killing the vampire that turned him whats the difference with these four, and guillermo gets defensive but struggles to answer bc holy shit hes right i killed derek, who up till this point ive defended against even my vampire family, was it even worth it?? while hes dealing with that personal crisis, the vampire tells him that hes going to kills them with or without his help and then begone

guillermo sneaks into the vamps estate later intent on killing him before he could hurt his family, and sees that he has guests. he wants to be a vampire now, not a hunter, so he wants to keep the killings to a minimum and resolves to kill the vamp when hes alone. (we get to see a shot of the guests as guillermo sees it, the majority of the shot blocked but the vamps faces still clear as day and its the house vamps but guillermo couldnt recognize them bc nandor had his back to him, laszlo had a fake beard over his beard, nadja had her hair done like the bride of frakenstein and w as wearing the most modern clothes ive seen her in, (still matching with laszlo), and colin robinson was dressed like a fedora guy. guillermo for some reason said, outloud, to himself, that the vampires guests were really attractive??)

anyway guillermo tracks down the vamp when hes alone and confronts him, the house vamps enter in mid fight, guillermos secret is revealed by the vamp, everyones hurt (nandor bc guillermo was turned by someone else, laszlo/nadja bc he became a full vamp and didnt tell them). the vampire somehow revokes guillermos vampiric powers, making him human again, and guillermo manages to kill the vamp right before he could kill nandor, and everything is back to the status quo, except that now the vamps dont trust guillermo and he was left with the knowledge that he had tasted his childhood dream and now he may never be able to achieve it again. guillermo stares out a window looking at the freshly risen sun hitting the trees and sighs. he heads towards the front door, for some reason princess carrying a tarp covered nandor, who has his arms wrapped around his neck and is instructing him on what to do to make the ride comfortable and not mess up his hair. he steps outside, pausing when the sun hit his skin, takes a deep breath before descending down the stairs and the episode ends

most of the fandom was losing their minds over nandermo, quite a few people were talking about how fucked up dereks treatment was, a lot of people were complaining about the return to normal and how nothing can ever change in a sitcom, and meanwhile i was so upset that the only thing i had to say was:

“guillermo when he cant recognize laszlo: holy shit that man is attractive

#yeah. that episode was. not my favorite #im gonna try to take whatever i can from it. even if i have to remove all context #i can play with the shit and fart show scenes like dolls. if i want”

[therelentless]

Hi again Nandor,

I saw the letter in your back pocket before you left yesterday evening. I guess I never really specified that I live with you all- it was probably obvious, but just in case, the calls are coming from inside the house! (That’s from a movie. :) ) (<— And that’s a smiley face.)

I’m aware that admitting to that limits the amount of people that this could be, but until you figure it out (which I’m sure you inevitably will) it feels more comfortable to write under the guise of anonymity, mostly because I know that these feelings aren’t going to be reciprocated. But I don’t know you! you’re saying, How can I presume to know. I don’t know a lot of things, I haven’t had the opportunity to to live a life as vast and broad as your own, but I do know I’m not your type.

I don’t write these to torture you, I’ll even stop if you want me to, but I hope on some level it feels nice to know someone thinks you’re drop-dead gorgeous (pun sort of intended) and such a romantic. I don’t know how many of the others can see that, but when I look at you I see a man who would throw his entire life down for someone else, defend a kingdom, the kind of love men wrote epic poetry about. But kings never wrote those poems for paupers.

Since this may very well be my last letter, since I never want to hurt you, let me say again and ultimately; I feel as if I shall always be in love with you. I wish I could be a person you’d feel the same way about, someone as brave as you, as dedicated as you. And god, do you make me laugh. Have I said enough that I think you’re handsome as well? I’d let you have everything and all of me because I know you’d handle it delicately. You’re the kind of man a man like me doesn’t mind being obsessed over, because it may be the closest I ever get, even if it’s only in my late night imagination.

I’m sure you’ll find a way to let me know if you want me to stop or continue. I hope knowing how loved you are inspires you. You deserve it, you deserve to be someone’s king- I’ll be content to watch you with the paupers.

دوستت دارم لطفا دوستم داشته باش

Y.S.A.

{ ??? ;;

"The call is coming from inside the house?" Confused, his attention went from the letter to the phone and then back to the letter he was still holding in his hands. "What call?" He asked himself, but that didn't matter as much as the rest of the contents of the letter.

So the one who wrote these letters was a man who lived in the house. Well, he was sure that this wasn't Laszo, especially because he couldn't imagine him writing such a long letter to him. Part of him wanted to keep guessing and discard the possibilities of who this man was, but the other liked a bit too much the mystery of all this to bother himself with a final answer just yet. The secret admirer, the anonymous letters, wondering and getting excited upon the thought of getting a new letter? this seemed like of one those romantic movies that he liked to watch, so instead of keeping this letter to himself as he had done with the first one, he decided to write one himself.

Mr. Y.S.A.

I wish I had replied to your letter the moment I found it, but if you're here in this house... somewhere, maybe inside the walls or the vents, then you know how my housemates can be a little bit annoying, rarely leaving me alone to deal with my own thoughts... which at times I'm thankful for. Anyway!!! I have decided that if you're going to keep writing letters, then I'm gonna write some of my own. It's fun. Exciting too. : ) That's another happy face to match yours.

I can't really say much about you, since I am still not sure who are, but maybe I have my suspicions. Eventually, I'll do some more digging at some point. I do have a question, are you alive? or are you one of those spirits that my housemate Nadja likes to summon for some random shit? I don't know if I'm down for ghost stuff, but it's not off my list entirely. I'll give it a try if that's the case.

I must admit, that I was not expecting a second letter, but now that I have received it, hopefully, you're reading this, then I expect a third one. It's only fair. Yes, it's nice to know that someone out there at least has some sort of feelings for me since lately, I have considered myself quite unloveable, but even if this wasn't about love, it feels good to know that at least you find me "drop-dead gorgeous", it's nice to hear it from someone else besides myself (<- that was a joke). I'm sure you have some quite delicious and attractive attributes of your own.

Thanks for sharing these thoughts with me, between you and I? they make me happy... and not a lot of things have been making me happy lately. But don't tell this to anyone. I only wish these things that you think of me are not things that you end up changing your mind about later. It seems that I tend to disappoint people quite easily. I'm either too much or not enough. It's tiring.

Whatever. I'm talking too much. I don't know what I'm telling you ll these things. Forget I said that last bit.

Where you found this letter, I'll leave the next one. Oh! or even better! maybe we could choose a secret spot. That sounds more... romantic? yes, exactly that!.

عمر که بی عشق رفت هیچ حسابش مگیر

Sincerely, Nandor The Relentless (<-that's me.) A.K.A, your king (<- that was my second joke. I'm a funny guy as you can see).