#and she's the one batchmate i really respect but people make it so hard to not make me hate them

[iftitah]

i feel like a joke

[glimmerglanger]

Sooo, I got this prompt from @anstarwar

Hi! I just stayed up til o’dark thirty finishing MYB and just had to hop over and say WOW. Love your writing! If you’re still taking prompts for supplemental stories I’m super curious what happened to Bly when he “woke up?” I just can’t help but think it’d be so devastating for him....I wanna give him a hug....anyways thank you!

AND OOOOF. Well, it’s not going to be a...happy time? For anyone? You’re probably going to want to give him more of a hug after this?

This snippet deals a lot with mind-control related trauma, being forced to kill someone against your will, suicidal ideation/a suicide attempt, and survivor’s guilt. People don’t always handle trauma in a neat and tidy way. This is… NOT neat and tidy, anger is one stage of grief, and something people who are hurt lash out, so lots of warnings for all of that. Past Blyla. A lot of hurt.

~~~~

Bly had some information to work with, by the time the thing in his head just stopped working, between one breath and the next. The thing had controlled his body for a timeless stretch, piloting him around the ship, to his quarters and to the bridge.

It read all the reports issued by the Imperial Command, and so Bly saw them, too.

He’d read that the Vigilance had been taken, taken by traitors in a mutiny, and he’d wanted to cheer, because of course Cody had found a way out, a way around the things in their head. 

He’d read that the Emperor wanted the heads of CC-2224 and the traitor Kenobi and so he’d known, too, that General Kenobi had somehow survived. That Cody had been strong enough to - to not pull the trigger on the Jedi he loved.

Not like Bly, who had leveled his blaster on Aayla’s back and squeezed the trigger and--

He wished he could grab his blaster again, but his body fought him, over and over again, until it just stopped. 

Bly was standing on the bridge when the thing in his head just...went away. There was no warning, no way for him to prepare. One moment, there were restraints around every piece of him and the next they were just gone.

Someone whimpered, across the bridge as Bly stared forward, breathing raggedly, swaying on his feet. His hand moved, automatically, towards the blaster at his hip. His fingers curled around the grip and he had it in hand before Ambler hit him around the chest and bore him to the floor, panting, “Don’t - don’t - please.”

“Get off of me,” Bly rasped out and they were poor first words, ragged and wet. He couldn’t breathe properly. His eyes stung and burned. The entire world had gone blurry. He reached for the blaster again - he’d shot Aayla in the back, his General, his everything, he’d shot her in the back and--

“I can’t,” Ambler said, knee on Bly’s wrist, the weight making his fingers spasm open. “I can’t, sir, I’m sorry.”

And Bly tried to say something, anything, else, but the words wouldn’t come, not for a long time.

#

Ambler refused to give Bly his blaster back, even after Bly got his breathing under control. Bly stared at him, the initial surge of emotion that had come with freedom fading away. He could control it. He had to control it.

Ambler had done the right thing, Bly decided, behind his helmet. He had things he needed to do, before he-- 

Made up for things.

He shook that thought aside. His brothers needed him. They didn’t have a General anymore - he’d seen to that - which meant--which meant they needed Bly to keep them safe. To help them figure out what to do.

He cleared his throat, ignoring the tears drying all over his cheeks under his helmet, and ordered the nat-borns on the ship restrained. And then he started looking for the Vigilance. Cody had gotten them free, he had no doubt. Somehow, the crazy son of a bantha had freed them all, and--

And he was wanted by the Empire. Kriff, they were probably all about to be wanted by the Empire.

Which meant they needed to be together. They’d be safer in greater numbers. “We had a message about some kind of attack on Kamino,” Burr said, from across the bridge, as they tried to figure out where to go. “But the message got cut off.”

“Head there,” Bly said, his voice a ragged mess. It was as good a place to go as any.

#

They found ruination on Kamino, but no sign of Cody or the Vigilance. No sign of any of their little brothers. Whatever had happened on the planet was long over by the time they dropped out of hyperspace.

But there was a buoy, tiny and transmitting on a strange frequency. Circuitboard decoded it while Bly sat in his quarters, staring at the wall, trying not to think of anything, definitely not the way Aayla had looked in his bunk, blue skin peeking out from beneath drab gray blankets, lekku curling softly with pleasure, and--

The buoy was transmitting coordinates, Circuitboard said, when he commed Bly. Bly looked down to find that he’d torn his sheets into long strips. He’d been twisting them, winding them into a long rope.

He stared down at his shaking hands, just for a moment, and gave the order to head to the coordinates, rising to his feet. He felt he should be on the bridge, at least for the start of their journey.

By the time he got back to his quarters, someone had taken away the damaged sheets. They’d taken away a lot of things. The room looked almost bare. Prickle - his new medic - was waiting inside the room, arms crossed, and said, “I can stay in here with you, or you can come to the medbay with me, the choice is yours.”

“Do what you want,” Bly told him, hollow inside, and curled up on the bare bed, not thinking about Aayla’s fingers stroking over his brow or the marks on his cheeks or--

Or anything else.

#

Cody left them a trail of breadcrumbs to follow, like they were playing one of the hunt-and-find games they’d indulged in back on Kamino, years ago. Cody’d always been better at hunting than hiding.

Maybe that was still true, because Bly found the Vigilance in orbit around an ugly gas giant on the borders of Wild Space, a small little flotilla around it. There were two other Venator-class ships by the Vigilance, and for a beat Bly wondered if the entire thing was an Imperial trap, his he and his brothers were about to be shot out of the sky.

He didn’t raise their shields. 

And a moment later familiar voices came over the comms, shouting words of welcome and relief.

#

Cody insisted that Bly come over to the Vigilance. Bly wasn’t sure he technically had to obey Cody’s orders, anymore, but if anyone was in charge of all of them, it had to be Cody, and so he went. 

He stared at the wall of the shuttle, even after it landed. He managed to get to his feet when Cody opened the rear hatch, turning to look at his brother - his batchmate - opening his mouth and then closing it again, before asking, “How the kriff did you do it?”

Cody looked back at him, expression tightly controlled, and said, “It’s a long story.”

Bly just stared at him. He felt...hollow inside. Cody winced, a little, and then exhaled. “Come on,” Cody said, reaching out and gripping his shoulder, “I’ll tell you.” 

#

Bly listened to all of it. He had a feeling, deep in his head, that Cody wasn’t going into the details, but it didn’t really matter. Bly got the gist of it. Cody really had saved his Jedi. Nearly blown up his head to do it, but he had, while Bly had drawn his blaster and--

“Where is he?” Bly asked, sitting in General Kenobi’s quarters - the ones Cody had been living in for years - and staring forward, eyes burning.

“On the bridge,” Cody said, with a little shrug. 

Bly nodded. He remembered what Aayla had looked like, last time she’d been on the bridge, her eyes tired as she looked over holos, one hand bandaged from a fall, lovely and alive and--

“I should get back,” Bly said, standing, because his men were in Cody’s care, now, and, obviously, Cody would take better care of them. Cody’d almost killed himself, proving that, while Bly had just raised his blaster and pulled the trigger and--

“You’re going to stay here,” Cody said, like it wasn’t even a question, in the same tone that had led to them fighting more than once when they were shinies on Kamino, Cody always thinking everyone should just listen to him-- “Catch me up on everything. Get some rest, for a day or two.”

“With all due respect,” Bly said, tone too flat to be sharp, “I’m rested plenty.”

“I talked to Prickle,” Cody said, and Bly wondered why, staring forward, not looking at Cody, even when Cody tried to step into his field of view. 

“That so?” Bly asked, trying to muster the energy to care and failing. He should have cared about them whispering about him behind his back, but he just--

Didn’t.

“That’s so,” Cody said. “And so you’re staying here.”

“Fine,” Bly said, gaze flicking momentarily towards the blaster at Cody’s hip. “Whatever you say, sir.”

He caught Cody’s wince out of the corner of his eyes, and a part of him wanted to apologize immediately but-- He’d done so much worse. Things he’d never be able to apologize for, he’d lifted his blaster and--

“Good,” Cody said, firm. “Let’s get some dinner.”

#

Bly pushed mush around his plate. He ate a bite, maybe two. His appetite had died with everything else that mattered, systems and systems away from where he currently was. 

Cody made noises about him needing to eat more, but he’d just have to live with what Bly could manage, unless he planned to bring in a tube and force it down Bly’s throat. Maybe he would. Bly considered the idea dispassionately.

In the end, Cody just frowned over him and took Bly back to his quarters. Cody brought along an extra meal, and something in Bly’s gut twisted hard, just looking at it. He felt like there was something inside him, a dam, perhaps, and that it was starting to crack, all down the middle.

He didn’t want to know what was on the other side of it.

“Why don’t you get in the fresher,” Cody said, and Bly shrugged. The fresher looked the same as the one he’d used for years. There was even a Jedi robe hanging on one of the hooks along the wall and for a moment he could imagine--

But it wasn’t Aayla’s. The weave was too heavy. And she’d preferred darker, richer colors. Earth tones. He stared at his fingers, clenched in the fabric, and made himself release it with a shudder. He took off his armor. Set it aside. Stepped under the water.

Aayla had loved the decadence of a water shower. She’d insisted he join her in one, more than once, the two of them wedged in together, laughing as they jostled for space and it always ended with her in his arms, hands sliding on the slippery walls, her fingers clenching at his shoulders, and--

He’d shot her. In the back. Hadn’t even hesitated. Ordered her body pushed into a shallow grave and she’d probably been ravaged by scavengers and--

Bly jerked out from under the water. He dried off, pulled back on a set of blacks that looked clean. Cody’s, he assumed. They mostly fitted; after years of different experiences, their bodies were no longer exactly the same. They’d built muscle differently. Some of them were stronger than others.

Cody had managed to fight the thing in his head.

And Bly had--

He tried to hold together the splintering dam inside his head, stepping back out into the main room. He wondered where Cody expected him to sleep, and the consideration fell out of his head when he realized they weren’t alone anymore.

Cody was sitting on the end of the bunk, talking to General Kenobi, low and earnestly. And Kenobi--

Was alive. Standing there in his tunic, his hair with more white in it around the temples than Bly recalled, a lightsaber on his belt. And seeing him split the widening cracks in Bly’s chest even further. He felt his jaw grinding as Kenobi looked up and over at him, inclining his head a little as he said, “Commander, I’m...so sorry, I--”

Kenobi cut off at a sharp, ragged-edged sound. Bly realized after a moment that it was coming from him. Laughter. 

Kenobi shifted his weight back, just a little, as Bly rasped out, “You’re sorry?”

He was distantly aware of Cody standing up, reaching out and putting a hand on Kenobi’s stomach. But that seemed like it was happening somewhere else. Everything, the entire world, was Kenobi’s expression, his too-wide eyes and the way all the color had washed out of his face. 

“Bly,” Cody started, and Bly felt his mouth twist up, felt the last little pieces of resistance in his chest wash away. 

“You’re sorry?” Bly repeated, taking a step forward. “She’s dead and--you’re sorry? You?”

Kenobi took a step back. “I--”  

“It isn’t fair,” Bly snapped, moving closer, and oh, it wasn’t, nothing about this was fair, it was brutal and wrong and -- “She’s dead, and you’re still here. Still just fine, aren’t you? Just like always? And you’re sorry?”

Cody stepped between them, one hand extended out towards Bly, mouth moving when he said, “That’s--”

“Why did you get to live?” Bly demanded, trying to bat Cody’s hand out of the way. Cody grunted and reached to grab him. “When she died? Why couldn’t it have been her? Just -- it should have been her, not you, she was--”

His words cut off when his shoulders hit the wall, both Cody’s hands in the front of his blacks, something dark and snapping in Cody’s eyes when he snarled, “That’s enough. Not another kriffing word, do you hear me?”

Bly opened his mouth, and never got a chance to say anything, because Cody jerked back from him at the sound of retching from the fresher. Cody swore, viciously, and pushed him against the wall again. “You stay right there,” Cody snapped, heading for the fresher, reaching for his comm and spitting something into it that Bly didn’t hear.

When Bones showed up, a few moments later, to collect him, Bly went along willingly enough. Whatever anger had moved through him had dissipated as quickly as it had come. He just felt… empty again. Completely empty.

[malfoys-demigod]

Tutor, Tea, and Truth

draco malfoy x reader 

summary: Reader spends her Saturday mornings tutoring lower classmen by the library. Draco was intrigued with your enthusiasm and love for tutoring that he began watching you. When you finally noticed, he tried lying, saying that he never had the guts to ask you for help in the subjects he was having trouble with. Knowing that he was the second smartest wizard of your year, you didn’t buy his lie, catching him off guard. Being defeated, Draco begins a conversation with you and eventually asks you on a date.

a/n: i was really planning to continue this, and finally i have! 

word count: 6.1k

tag list: @the--queen-of-hell​ @bbeauttyybbx​

If there was one thing you could do effortlessly, it was giving a hand to help others. It could be through any way and it would still be considered helping someone out. 

Whether it be the simple things such as lending an extra quill, picking up the things that a person has dropped in the corridor, to much more complex things that required more will power such as being a third-wheeler at a date at Hogsmeade, walking someone back to the common room at night, and your favorite favorite thing which was tutoring. 

The act of tutoring either your batchmates or lowerclassmen was the most favorite thing of all the things you could do as help. There were so many advantages of being a tutor to students. It could help gain you more friendships with people around year-levels and houses, train your brain to remember new and old information, and strengthen your reputation as a helpful person. 

With these many advantages, your favorite reason was the idea of being able to see the smiles of people at the end of the session or seeing them come back to you, thanking you that they raised their scores, giving you all the credit when you tell them that it was them, that did it all. 

Helping other people made you the happiest person in Hogwarts. You were a smart wizard of your year, certainly not levelling Hermione Granger, but enough to help other people out. It didn’t bother you that there was the possibility of getting drowned with your own work because you could use this advantage and call on other students from your year to form a study group with you, doing the work together and helping each other. 

If they declined the offer due to many reasonable excuses, you still used this advantage to finish the work as quick as possible, with quality of course, so that when your classmates finally have the time to do their work, they can come to you and you could teach them what you learned, helping your brain remember more of what you had recently taught yourself. 

It was a way of boosting your knowledge and grades, making you one successful student. 

Tutoring was something you had gotten from former upperclassmen when you were still in your first year. As a newcomer to Hogwarts, you were very much nervous of failing classes at such a prestigious school. 

So one day at the end of your first week of classes as a first year, you decided to head to the library, hoping to seek a quiet time to celebrate that classes of your first week had ended. But what you arrived at was a study group led by seventh years. 

Not being intimidated by large and older students, you walked towards them, asking them if they could help you with school work. They surprisingly agreed to help you, also giving you the idea of becoming a tutor just like them. They showed you the ropes and shaped you into the person you were today. You were very thankful for them.

Years later, you became a respectful tutor, just like the seventh years in your first year. 

From starting a group only for students in your year, you built your reputation over the years as word passed by, telling other students of lower years that you were a tutor that could be of service for all lowerclassmen. 

Having word passed by from some students of their year, lowerclassmen were more encouraged to find the famous you, and grab seats in the library to circle around you. With more students now coming to see you on a daily basis, you started to treat them like friends rather than pretend clients who you were offering your services to. 

Today was the first week back from the winter holidays. 

Everyone was still acting as if they'd forgotten to switch off their mindsets from “Vacation Mode”, as all they could think and talk about was the holidays. This year’s holidays were somehow excellent for almost everyone where they were spending it in Hogwarts or outside of the castle. Wherever you went, people were smiling, daydreaming about possibly what gifts they received, which meals they enjoyed, and everything you could name. 

The fact that people were still thinking of the holidays meant that it was hard to return focusing on academics. People were so used to waking up late and doing anything they pleased during the holidays that it was quite difficult for them to continue keeping up their grades in school. Worse, if they were taught by the teachers who planned on giving them tests and quizzes a week or two after their first week back, to jog up their memories on the things they have learned from the month before the break.  

You yourself may have had a slight relatable feeling with most of the students at Hogwarts, but you were more lucky than them as you still managed to read a book or two about lessons you were had recently learned and lessons you will be learning when the holiday ended. This action wasn’t done frequently during the break but it was enough to feel more confident when it came to returning to school after the holidays ended. Your little tutoring business would also be booming as others would beg for your time, asking if you could help teach them the things they’ve forgotten and need to remember. 

Usually, people spent their Friday’s after classes anywhere but the library. It was their way of removing their mindset of school and into their weekend freedom. For you on the other hand, your next place right after your last class was the library, the place you happily held your tutoring sessions. You didn’t need to be asked if you could spare time for people as they assumed that you would already be there in the library, waiting for people to come and be helped. 

Their assumptions today were right. You had finished setting up your things by one of the long tables at the library, opening your notebook and bringing out your quill when all of a sudden, a massive group of second years were quietly rushing around your table, huffing and puffing tiredness. 

“Hello, Y/N!”

“Good afternoon, Y/N!”

“Good to see you, Y/N!” 

Were some of the small greetings that your second year students greeted you as they were relieved to see you. You waved at them, giving them a warm smile as you greeted them back. You fixed your posture, straightening your back as you made yourself ready to teach them. 

“Now, my dear little friends,” you spoke, “What are we learning today?” 

“History of Magic,” they all groaned, looking so distressed. 

You giggled, trying to show a sympathetic pout at them, “Ah, yes, let me guess,” you placed a finger on your chin, “Binns expected you to study over the break, which you all didn’t, and announced a test next week?”

“Exactly!” One complained, “The mad ghost is holding it on Monday, Monday! Can you believe him?” 

You nodded, smiling at the memories when you were required to take History of Magic, “I do, that’s how Binns handles his classes,” you sighed, “But not to worry, when you’re older, his class wouldn’t be required any longer, you could choose something else if you’d like.”

“What did you choose, Y/N?” They all asked, giving curious eyes. 

“I chose to have a free period,” you admitted, watching them gasp with big eyes, “I know, a ‘smart’ cookie like me should be taking up the extra classes for the sake of landing that dream job or simply showing that you're an excellent student, right? But the classes I’m taking already have me set with the many choices I have with whatever dream jobs I have in mind to be honest. Besides, there are many things I could do during my free time, such as studying and doing my schoolwork so I could use this time to help you desperate kids in need. Now come on, let’s head onto the most vile lessons in your class,” you said, encouraging them to open their books. 

—

“The last breach you should remember was in 1790 when an American witch named Dorcus Twelvetrees made a serious breach when she confided secret information to a muggle, or what Americans call it, a ‘No-Maj’ named Bartholomew Barebone. She told him not only about the existence of MACUSA and the International Confederation of Wizards, but also the location of their wizarding school named Ilvermorny School. Barebone stole her wand and showed it off to the press and called for No-Maj persecution of magical folks like us. Due to this, President Emily Rappaport of MACUSA instated “Rappaport's Law” which completely segregated witches and wizards from the No-Majs, and remained the law of the land until repealed in 1965.” 

All your second year students were slightly dazed, looking as if their brains had stopped processing the information you had been teaching them. Understanding what they’re going through, you closed their books with the use of your wand, closing yours and using the magic to pack up. “Alright, you kiddos,” you said, “It’s time for you to rethink about the things I’ve taught you today, I wish you luck in your test next week, and advise you to possibly not pick this subject as an elective when you’re older,” you joked. 

“She’s right,” said a new voice, “I completely welcome you to pick Astronomy or Potions. As a successful student from those classes, think of it as a recommendation from another top student like me.”

You looked to your left, seeing that Draco Malfoy was nonchalantly leaning by the bookshelves, crossing his arms with a smirk on his face. 

“Was it just a coincidence that you overheard the conversation and used the opportunity to lure my second years into your favorite subjects? Or were you here the whole time I tutored them and waited for the right timing to give us a grand entrance, because you look like you’ve been here for quite some time,” you asked, imitating your batchmate by crossing your arms out of curiosity. 

Catching Draco off guard, he tried recovering by placing a hand on his chest, appearing so offended by your words, “Heavens, Y/L/N, big with questions aren’t you?” he slightly chuckled, walking towards your table, “On you go kiddos, time to relax from all this young lady has been bombarding you with!” he joked, earning a laugh from the second years who were not aware of you, rolling your eyes at Draco. 

Draco shrugged, playing innocent as he dropped his sling bag as he pulled a seat, sitting down casually. He interlocked both his hands, placing them on the table as he gave you a small wink, “Y/L/N,” he formally greeted, nodding at you, “You come here often?” 

“Of course I do, Malfoy, everyone should know by now that I tutor people here,” you said, standing up from your table, “Shouldn’t you be elsewhere spending your Friday afternoon?” 

Draco may or may have not been lurking around the library, waiting for you to end your tutoring session for the day. He had been waiting ever since classes ended for him and had been wandering around the library in order to be caught stalking you endlessly for the entire hour as you taught your second years. 

 During the last twenty minutes of your session, he positioned himself by the nearest bookshelf on the other side in order not to be seen, as he was pulling out some books, peeping and watching you happily teach second years. 

When people passed by, Draco pretended to open the book he pulled, seeming ‘curious’ with the contents he was reading and if some gave him suspicious looks, he would quietly snap the book in front of them, eyeing them coldly and twitching his nose in a scary manner, causing them to walk away, looking anywhere but at Draco. 

“Is there something wrong with me being here, Y/N?” Draco asked, sounding so innocent, “It’s not like you own the place, dear.” he taunted, tilting his head for approval.

“You’re right, I don’t but it’s just highly unlikely for me to see you here, that’s all.”

“Would it be highly unlikely of me to ask if you could perhaps tutor me?” 

You shook your head slightly in amusement, looking at Draco who seemed so casual with the question he had just asked you. “You?” you pointed at him,  “You need a tutor?” 

“Is there something wrong with that?” he wondered.

“Well, yes,” you replied, “You’re a top student of our year, for Merlin’s sake, I doubt I’m even smarter than you!” you exclaimed, raising your hands in amusement. “You really have to be kidding me if you wanted a tutor.”

“What if I’m not kidding?”

“Okay, then, what do you need help with, Malfoy?”

Draco paused for a slight second, surprised he got far with this, a lightbulb went up quickly, so did his eyes when he looked at you and quickly said, “History of Magic!”

“Uh-huh, just like my second years?”, you asked, as he nodded in response. 

“I don’t remember you taking Binn’s class this year?” 

Draco clenched his hands as his heart started beating quickly, “And who are you to say that? I don’t suppose you’re in his class as well? Correct me if I’m wrong but I remember hearing you advise your second years not to take his class.”

“Right,” you said, with a raised eyebrow. He was correct, and you couldn’t say he wasn’t in Binn’s class, you wouldn’t know since you weren’t in his class. So you sat back down, placing your bag on the table as you removed your old History of Magic book and opened it. “So, what do you need help with?”

“Erm, Giant wars?” he asked, hoping to himself that was something people were learning this year. 

“Oh, okay, well you’re in luck because I happened to be reading that out of curiosity during the break. And well, my friends who were doing advance reading for his class were telling me all about it this week.” you said, looking for the page that had giant wars. 

When you found the page, you pointed at the chapter, “Ah, there we are, let’s start, shall we?”

“We shall,” he replied. 

--

“And remember, the conflicts between the giants and the wizards that had historical significance took place around the nineteenth century, alright?”

Draco calmly nodded, using his quill to write down the last thing he needed to remember for his class. Finished, he placed his parchment back in his bag and extended his hand, “Lovely,” he said, as you extended your hand, shaking his, “You truly are the best and by the way-

“Y/N!” said a new voice. 

Both you and Draco turned to the side of the open hall of the library to see Neville and Luna waving at you with beaming smiles. As Draco groaned to himself, Neville and Luna walked towards you, seeing that Draco was there as well. 

“Tutoring him?” Neville asked, looking at Draco who wanted to be elsewhere. 

“Surprisingly, yes,” you nodded, “Apparently he needs help with History of Magic and that’s understandable. It would have been more beneficial if you two were here with me, you could have taught him too considering that you three are in the same class.”

Neville looked at Luna with a puzzled look, then to Draco with a highly raised eyebrow. “That would have been beneficial indeed,” Neville said, as Draco gulped with a hint of fear, “If he actually took the class.”

“W-what do you mean?” you confusingly chuckled, looking now at Draco for reassurance, “Are you not taking History of Magic, Malfoy?”

“Nonsense,” he quickly replied, tightening his tie, “You’re confused, I’m probably in another period of Binn’s class, Longbottom.”

“There is no other class,” Luna innocently added, “Since there were only a few left interested in his class, we could only manage to create one class.”

You crossed your arms, giving Draco an open mouth, “Right,” you said, “Excuse us Neville and Luna, I think I can handle the interrogation from here.”

“Alright, see ya Y/N!” Neville said as Luna warmly waved goodbye, walking away from the scene to leave you, looking at Draco who was nervously chuckling to himself as he started packing up his things. 

Before he could stand up, you stopped him with a raise of your hand, commanding him to sit, “Don’t think you can just leave so quickly, Malfoy.”

He turned back to you, giving a small quick smile, “Right, I suppose you’re expecting a couple of galleons for your service.” He began getting coins from his bag, only for you to zip it shut with the wave of your wand. 

“Was there a reason for you to lie and waste, let’s see,” you looked at your pocket watch, “Hm, an hour of my time?”

He shrugged, smiling guiltily, “I don’t suppose it’s a waste of time, especially when you’re with me,” he said, trying to display a smirk in his mouth, which ended up looking as if he was giving his all for it. 

“Nice try, Malfoy, but really, why would you go all out and pretend you took Binn’s class?”

Draco exhaled, giving up the act of lying as he let out a small laugh, feeling ever so humiliated with himself as he looked at you and said, “Maybe I had something planned and things went too far that I wasn’t able to go back to the right track.” he shrugged, waiting for your response. 

Clueless yet interested, you leaned forward and asked, “Care to explain what your plans were?”

Malfoy smiled at himself, nervous yet ready to tell you the truth. 

“My initial plan was to wait till you were finished tutoring those little gits and ask you on a date, after all, I have been wanting to for awhile, figured it was time to make a move. I might have gone off script and used the opportunity of your tutoring sessions to… spend time with me.” 

You were vastly staggered as it was news to hear that Draco Lucius Malfoy was first, waiting for you in the library for Merlin knows how long, second, planning to ask you on a date, and third, has been wanting to ask you on a date! It wasn’t like you were head over heels for with such passion, but it filled your heart, discovering that one of the most outstanding students of your year was highly interested in you. Why you of all people? 

Still staring into the unknown, Draco’s spirits slightly started falling down as he had not received an answer yet from you. He wanted to make sure you had an answer, but at the same time, he didn’t want to make himself feel bad if he pressured you with time into giving him one. 

“You’re going to have to answer me verbally dear, contrary to popular belief, I can’t read minds.” he joked. 

You snapped back from all your lingering thoughts, chuckling to yourself out of embarrassment, as you saw that Draco gave you a faint smile. “Right,” you spoke, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Thinking?” he said, probing. 

“Yes, uhm, first of all, my second years are not gits,” you said, pointing at him, then you looked back down, placing a hand on your chest, “Second, I’m flattered, and third-”

“You’re going to reject me?” he suggested, feeling defeat in his voice. 

You shot him a worried look, shaking your head, “Goodness no,” you opposed as you waved your hands in front of him, “I’m extremely flattered because I never thought you’d be interested in me, actually.”

“What do you mean?” Draco asked, walking around the table to come closer to you. 

“I always thought you were too good for me.” you laughed at yourself, looking down at the ground. 

Draco placed his hands on your shoulders, rubbing you sympathetically as he gave a small, exalted smile, “You have no right to say that, Y/L/N for I should be the one saying that.” he removed his hands from you, straightening his robe and announced, “This time, I offer you my time as I’d like you to spend tomorrow with me at Hogsmeade. We will have the most excellent first date, should you choose to accept.” he confidently said. 

You slung your back onto your shoulder, smiling at the invitation you were given. “Alright, Malfoy, you got yourself a date tomorrow. Should I feel free to dress to impress?” 

He shrugged, appearing as if it didn’t matter, “To me, you’d look ravishing with or without the need to do that. But if you wish,” he said, smirking. 

You rolled your eyes, “See you, Malfoy,” waving him goodbye as you left the scene. 

--

You were waiting outside by the gates of the castle, sitting down on the stairs, patiently and calmly waiting for Draco, who happened to be your surprising date as you were still processing the fact you were about to go on a date with him. 

You hadn’t really thought about the possibility of dating Draco. You were just a simple girl in Hogwarts, being always on the sidelines of everyone’s story. To you, you were always someone not worthy of a demanding person such as Draco. 

Why would someone important like him want to go out with you? That was something you would have to find out sooner or later in your life, and maybe this date would be the perfect opportunity to ask Draco about this, hopefully he would answer truthfully. 

All of a sudden, the doors behind you opened slowly, causing you to turn around and stand up as you saw your date, eyeing you with a smile. “Y/N, for a minute there, I thought you were going to bail. Looks like I was wrong,” he said, still smiling. 

You let out a small laugh, “Now why would I do that?”

“I was waiting for you by your dorm room, like the gentleman I am, until when the doors opened, I was greeted by your roommate, who seemed very flustered by my gesture.”

“What gesture?” 

Draco confidently pulled up a bouquet of flowers from his back, presenting it to you with such pride in his face, “Then I asked where you were, and she said you weren’t there, leaving me to think, ‘Did she either bail, or was she already outside?’ so here I am.”

Still presenting the bouquet, you received it, smelling the freshness of the flowers with a smile on your face, “Gosh, you’re one kind of gentleman. Thank you for the flowers.” 

“A pretty girl should always have a pretty bouquet.”

You grinned, hoping your blush wasn’t evident. Draco placed his arm up, “Now, shall we?”

“We shall,” you agreed, taking his arm as you started walking away from Hogwarts. 

--

To your surprise, Draco brought you to Madam Pudifoot’s Tea Shop. It was the place people brought their dates to, for a more intimate time with them. This was your first time inside the place, and you now understood why it was a place for intimate dates. 

The teashop was a very quiet and tranquil place that had walls and floors of pink shades, screaming ‘Love,’ in the air as the different scents of teas gave a relaxing aura around the shop. Aside from a serene and silent touch to the shop, there were barely people inside, making things more private and affectionate for dates. 

Draco again to your surprise, held your hand as he made his way to an exact table, which Madam Pudifoot reserved for the two of you. It seemed as if Draco already made reservations beforehand, and it was weird because you haven’t really recalled establishments in Hogsmeade accepting reservations.  

When the two of you sat down, Draco surprisingly gave a warm smile to Madam Pudifoot, who handed the two of you her menus. “Take all the time you need, lovebirds.” she chuckled, then turned around, leaving Draco with a flustered you. 

“Um, Draco?” you brought down your menu to give your attention to Draco, who had his menu up, as he was still scanning for the right tea. 

“Ready to order already, Y/N?” he asked in a nervous yet playful tone which made him chuckle after, “I thought this was your first time here!” 

“No, actually I haven’t even looked at the menu,” you admitted embarrassingly, “I was just curious.”

“About?” His face was still covered by the menu, but fortunately, he seemed interested in what you had to bring up. 

“Why do I have the feeling that you secretly went all out with this date and got the chance to persuade Madam Pudifoot a table for us?” you blurted everything out awkwardly, which made you feel like jumping off a cliff. 

Draco pulled the menu down from his face, flashing a smirk, chuckling, “Because it’s true?”

You laughed in relief for not feeling like the craziest person in the entire town of Hogsmeade, “Oh, brilliant,” you replied. Then you shook your head, but still smiling cheekily, “But why?”

Draco tilted his head with a raised eyebrow, “Why what?”

“Why would you go all out for me?”

Draco narrowed his eyes and mouth, trying to contain his laughter, “Darling, have you not heard of Draco Lucius Malfoy? I’d go all out for you.”

You scoffed, playing with the fabric of the table’s smooth cloth. “I think we barely know each other though. This is clearly our first time actually interacting with each other properly.” 

After clasping his hands, he pulled his hands away, tilting his palms to face each other, “Alright, why don’t we get to know each other then?” he suggested. You nodded, which made him speak again, “Okay, let me start.”

“What do you want to know, Draco?”

“What do you want to do after Hogwarts?” he prompted. 

Your eyes drifted away from the boy in front of you as you pondered on the many occupational choices when Hogwarts ended. 

“Either a Hit-Witch or an Auror,” you shrugged, “I haven’t given much thought about it but the last time I did, I was looking into those two.”

“Intriguing,” he acknowledged, sounding highly surprised and in awe, “I never imagined you as either of those, but I know you’d be one of the best that I can feel safe at night.”

“Oh, please,” you waved off the flattery in embarrassment, “Neither did I see myself as one of those jobs. But, their job descriptions really do call me. What about you, Draco?”

Draco shrugged as well, “Possibly an Auror as well. Father thinks I can make my way to the top easily and become the Minister of Magic later on.” 

“Right, and then I can TOTALLY feel safe at night with you as Minister.” you teased, earning a grin from his face. 

“Oh, shut it, Y/N, you better take that back or else when I become Minister, I’d gladly remove you from your job.” 

“Has your mother ever taught you how to threaten a lady?” 

“Now, now, Y/N, we mustn’t go there,” he playfully warned you. 

“You’re right, we actually should order something before Madam Pudifoot thinks we’re using her place just to have a thrilling conversation.” 

Draco scoffed, smiling cheekily at himself as he enjoyed being with you. After taking a quick look from the menu, he raised his hand, signaling Madam Pudifoot to come by your table. Once she saw Draco’s hand, she quickly hurried by. 

“I was suspecting to think you two lovelies were having a good time and forgot about the tea,” she teased the two of you. 

Draco smirked, looking at her confidently, “What can I say?” he shrugged, “Once you enjoy the company of someone as enthralling as her, you just forget that time passes by. I could spend the whole day talking to her, and I wouldn’t take notice of time going by. What do you think, Y/N?” he now looked at you, grinning. 

Madam Pudifoot, interested by the action going on between you two, looked rapidly to you now, wanting to know what you’d say. 

“I think we should order,” you pointed out the obvious sarcastically, to hold yourself from melting over Draco’s words. 

“Hiding how you feel now, are we?” he checked on you, still grinning with pleasure. 

You playfully rolled your eyes, finally in defeat, “Okay, so I agree with what you say,” you replied and shrugged, “And I possibly have a mindfulness of you as a wholebeing. Now, can we order?” 

Draco opened his mouth in agreement, his mouth was open, but it was with a big smile, “Ah,” he said, pointing at you, “Careful darling, you’re starting to sound as if you care. It would be... unwise, of you to lead on, something such as I.” 

“Alright,” you sarcastically shrugged. You now looked up to Madam Pudifoot, who seemed to be gushing over what she was witnessing. You ended her gushing by deciding to order, “Okay, Madam, I’ll have a warm chamomile tea. And you, Draco?” you asked, now looking back at Draco. 

“I think I’ll have the same,” he nodded at her. 

“Excellent!” Madam Pudifoot said, closing her notepad, which had her magical quill inside it, “Right away, you two!” then she turned around, briskly walking away. 

This left you and Draco once again, together alone. He leaned onto the table, placing his folded hands on the edge of the table as he let his body lean over to you slightly. “So,” he whispered, “So you do like me?”

“I think I said I possibly have a mindfulness of you.” you smirked.

“It’s another way of saying that you care for me, and thus, that leads to liking me.” he reasoned out. 

“Pansy and Daphne care for you, but do they like you?” you pointed that fact out. He shook his head, rolling his eyes, “That’s different. They’re not here with me on a date, are they?”

“True,” you said, eyeing and receiving the tea that Madam Pudifoot had given the two of you just now. “I guess I’m the lucky girl who's about to take sudden interest in me,” you half-jokingly said. 

Draco beamed, silently sipping from his warm cup of tea. After a good sip, he shook his head, patting a cloth of napkin on his lips softly, as his eyes were back onto you. “I’m afraid you’re far too late my dear, you already have me thoroughly captivated.” 

Your eyes smiled affectedly, highlighting the sudden blush you had on your face. It felt as if you skipped a heartbeat, surprised with his words as you gulped the sip you were about to swallow. After swallowing carefully, you slowly placed the cup back on the table, leaving the warmth from your fingers. 

Chuckling lightly at yourself, you said, “That fast?” 

“Don’t think you had me captivated just today, dear Y/N,” he pointed out, “I may or may not have had eyes for you for quite some time.” 

“You couldn’t have possibly, Draco,” you narrowed your eyebrows, light-heartedly denying his statement. 

“Oh, but I have!” he admitted confidently. He fixed his sitting position, causing him to enthusiastically lean towards you, “You my darling, are one unique girl.”

“Is that so?” 

“I’ve never met another girl who could be so patient and loving to tutor anyone. I would be vastly impatient and non-committal to such things. I couldn’t possibly handle dealing with those… children. And of course the low-brains of our year.” 

You were extremely flattered by what Draco had said, causing you to simply flash a warm smile at him, bringing back the tea in your hands as you started sipping your chamomile tea once again. 

--

The date you had at Madam Puddifoot had unfortunately come to an end. Once the teacups were empty and your stomachs were full, Draco had paid for the expenses of the teas like the gentleman he was and pulled you up from your seat, waving goodbye to a happy Madam Pudifoot. 

Now, you and Draco were walking together around Hogsmeade. While you were looking around the shops passing by you, Draco’s eyes were taking a few glances at his hand and yours, wishing he had the courage to hold your hand. 

Somewhere under his nervous thoughts, his confident aura had started picking up again, reminding him of the smooth person he had in himself. There was a small smirk in his face as he perfectly knew what to do. 

“Y/N?” he asked, sounding curious. 

“Yes, Draco?” you asked, looking at him now. 

“It came to my attention that it seems your hand looks heavy.”

“Heavy?”

“Yes, in fact, would you like me to hold it for you?” he nonchalantly asked, giving himself an innocent tone to such a smooth question. This leads you to widen your eyes with such flattery in your face. Aside from blushing madly, you chuckled in embarrassment, feeling so unprepared with words to reply to him. 

“Oh,” was all you could say at first, “I’d love that, they do awfully look heavy don’t they?” 

“Indeed, I’m surprised myself. Lucky for you I’m here to address the issue.”

“What if you weren’t, though?”

“From now on, expect me to always be around. I doubt there would be another soul at school who could point out that issue. They’re too blind to see the little things such as that.”

You smiled at yourself, taking in the compliment that Draco had bestowed upon you, waving your hand with his, back and forth merrily. 

“Draco?”

“Yes, Y/N?” he asked, imitating your voice from earlier, causing you to roll your eyes playfully. 

“Did you really mean it back at the tea shop?”

“Mean what?” He asked, stopping you and him from walking any further. 

“How you were captivated by me? Have you really been fancying me for some time?” 

“I know it sounds bizarre, you know, for me to come out suddenly to tell you how I feel but I do, I do have fancied you for some time. I-I like you.”

“That’s good then,” you truthfully told him, “Because I like you too.” you courageously admitted to him. 

Draco flashed the biggest smile he had ever shown in his facial expression. This smile may have had a smirk in his mouth, but it was also filled with genuine happiness, something he rarely felt and gave out.

Without hesitating, he grabbed you by the face, cupping your soft, smooth face with his hands as he shot a kiss on your lips. It was a short but whole-hearted kiss, which he had been dreaming about ever since he took interest in you. You were a little surprised that it was a short one, this was because he felt that he might have been overstepping his ‘first date boundaries’, so he was making his way on ending the kiss by slowly pulling himself from you. 

It was like you instantly read his mind, knowing that he was scared of overstepping his boundaries, but you answered his issue by pulling him back in, finishing the kiss with a much longer time given. Once you were done, the two of you synchronously pulled away from each other, looking at each other with such care in your eyes. 

Your eyes widened with realization, “Merlin’s beard!” you exclaimed, causing Draco to feel terror in his body. 

“W-what? Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?”

“No! I did!”

Draco frowned, assuming you felt the kiss was a mistake. “Oh, I see,” he said, only for you to wave your hands in front of him.

“Heavens no! I mean, I should have kissed you first!”

Draco raised an eyebrow, deeply confused, “You? Why? That’s not the right way to go, it should be the gentleman first.”

“Well, that doesn’t matter if I could have got you back with a pick up line!” 

Draco laughed, exhaling a wave of relief to hear your explanation, “Bloody hell, Y/N, all for a pick up line?”

“Yes! I thought of a good one which came well with the situation right now!”

“Alright,” Draco chuckled, “Let’s have a go with it, then.”

You composed yourself, breathing in to say, “Draco, do these smiles come with kisses?”

Draco nodding in agreement that your pick up line was a good one said, “Of course they do. Would you like them now?”

“Without a doubt,” you replied, knowing that Draco was about to lean in and kiss you. 

[empiresmostwanted]

Hi!! From that quote prompts list, a few that stood out for me were “it’s a brutal world” and “what are you humming?” for Rex? Im imaging either a mechanic/civilian reader or a shiny new clone trooper is accompanying the 501st on an off-world mission and they are sitting by the campfire late at night, a little shaken by the battle earlier in the day. Rex notices and goes to comfort them, and perhaps there is a singing motif??

Also! I loved Sabacc Face and im making my way though your other works this weekend 💕

Thank you so much @maulpunk for the prompts 😘

I'm sorry it took me so long to write, work has done a number on me this last week or so. Grrr. But I was happy to get back to writing this, although I must apologise for straying a little from the parameters of the request (it turned out to be a little too angsty for a singing motif, oops). I hope you like it all the same!

(P.S. Thank you so so much, I'm thrilled you liked Sabacc Face. It was a lot of fun to write, I hope it was just as fun to read!)

posted on AO3 | the prompt list | my writing

Words: 1.5k | Warnings: Post-Umbara Arc, Grief/Mourning, Angst (and lots of it, sorry-not-sorry), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, a certain Besalisk's name is briefly mentioned (okay, I am sorry for this one)

GHOSTS IN THE UMBRA

20BBY

☾

CT-0292 couldn't sleep. When he closed his eyes, rounds of blue plasma bolts flashed through the darkness behind his lids. Hands, his own hands, held a DC-15 carbine aloft, and one single finger under his control pressed on the trigger, mowing down the Umbarans in their disguises.

But they hadn't been Umbarans. They'd been his brothers.

A strangled sound escaped him, somewhere between a gasp and a sob that he caught in his throat. His chest ached with the effort to hold it, the urge to release it. And it ached as if his brothers had occupied a place there, the loss of them leaving the muscles of his heart to constrict around empty space.

He blinked away sharp tears, then pushed off the weighted blanket – its presence more suffocating than soothing – and climbed out of his rack. He gathered up the armour stacked in a neat pile from the foot of the bunk's frame and applied it, piece by piece, from foot to neck.

If he couldn't sleep, he might as well be useful. He'd never been very good at keeping still.

Around him, his brothers lay in their cots; some slept, restless, while others remained painfully conscious. From his own squad, only himself, Wil (Private), and Ridge (Private) remained. The others, along with their sergeant, had fallen to General Krell's lightsaber.

All was quiet. And Ridge was nowhere to be seen.

0292 shook his head, lightheaded, the back of his neck prickling. After checking his blaster was fastened to his belt, he tucked his helmet under one arm and crept through the rows of bunks like a ghost, leaving the sterile barracks behind.

For a moment, he stopped outside the blast doors as they sshhed to a close behind him, and took a deep breath. Had he caught the scent of rain and salt water in the air, it might have grounded him; but this planet was as unfamiliar to his nose as it was to his eyes and ears. With the tang of metal in his nostrils and on the tip of his tongue, he set off across the floodlit compound.

Beyond the sensor wall, he spotted the warm glow of a natural fire flickering in the perpetual dusk, its light peeking through the mist and the dense formation of local flora. He frowned. Patrol taking a break, perhaps?

CT-0292 made his way to the airbase's entrance. As he approached the gate, he passed skeletons of Umbaran machinery looming out of the fog, and squads of troopers pacing as silent as wraiths.

The planet was reclaimed, but no one had come out of the campaign unscathed.

At the gate, two troopers bearing the colours of the 212th stood guard, blasters held across their bodies, and faced the darkness beyond. With the sight of their armour came a fresh wave of guilt, at once hot and cold, that settled in the pit of his stomach. He cleared his throat upon approach; one started as if he'd been shot, and the other patted him on the shoulder.

"Easy, trooper," said 0292, holding out a placating hand. "Just passing through, lending a hand to patrol. That them over there?"

They followed the direction of his pointer finger, to the small fire burning gold in the gloom. The one coiled as tightly as he himself nodded, and turned back to him. "They're taking it in turns to sweep the perimeter."

"Thanks." He inclined his head, and stepped over the threshold of the airbase.

As his footsteps tapped a muffled rhythm into the damp earth, the chill air cooled the sheen of sweat on his forehead, and pressed cold fingers to the nape of his neck. With a shiver, he donned his helmet and activated its spot-lamp, before succumbing to Umbara's gloaming.

*

CT-0292 walked through the forest of Zabrak Spines, their bioluminescent ridges reaching towards the sky and cutting through the umbra like angry wounds. The glow of giant red thorns shrouded the woodland in an unsettling pallor.

Every small noise was amplified in the stillness around him: the snapping of twigs beneath the feet of tiny creatures, the whooshing of spectral wings overhead, and what seemed like footsteps somewhere behind him, approaching – but when he looked over his shoulder, there was nothing there. Each sound sent a spike of cortisol through his body, and he tried not to hyperventilate to the beat of his pulse.

The immediate threat from the Umbarans had been neutralised. But he and his brothers had found out the hard way that this shadowy world kept its secrets close.

You're out of the woods when you're out of the woods, his instructor back on Kamino used to say. It had seemed redundant to him then.

"What's that you're humming, trooper?"

He nearly jumped out of his skin. He looked back and came face-to-face – or helmet-to-helmet – with Captain Rex materialising out of the fog, easy to identify by the jaig eyes and the modified armour.

The captain removed his bucket, brow furrowed in concern, and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Relax. I didn't mean to startle you," he said with a smile that did not reach his eyes. "It sounded familiar, the song you were humming."

"I didn't realise I was humming it aloud," the trooper admitted, face heating as Captain Rex fell into step beside him. "I was thinking of my instructor, back at the facility: she smuggled her own radio into Tipoca, and she'd play it for us during downtime. That one was her favourite, I think. I don't know the words, though. Just the tune."

"Ah."

They walked for a way in companionable silence, each lost to their own thoughts. Confronted once more with the familiar face of his brothers, CT-0292 replayed the moment of terrible realisation, and the skirmish with Krell. The Jedi – if one could even call him that – might have been dealt with on a permanent basis, but his reach would extend far beyond his death.

"Couldn't sleep, either?" asked the captain, dragging him out of his own memories.

He shook his head.

Rex sighed. "It's a brutal world out there."

CT-0292 couldn't be sure if he was referring to Umbara, or the entire galaxy. 

"I admit," he began, "I wasn't expecting to kill other people. I've been training to take down and disable battle droids for nearly ten years, and I thought I was ready, but this …"

It didn't even begin to cover the atrocity of slaughtering his own, knowingly or not.

They heard the voices of their brothers before they saw them, hushed and sombre. Upon stepping out of the forest, they found themselves in a small clearing, lit from above by towering plants, incandescent with pink and purple and blue light, and lit from within by a humble campfire. At least ten troopers were gathered around it, talking in lowered voices amongst themselves.

Rex came to a halt on the edge of the clearing, and stopped 0292 with a hand on his arm.

"If it's of any comfort," he said, "every one of us here is feeling the same right now. No campaign is easy, no life lost is worth less. But this mission has taken its toll more than any other. You say you're not ready, but I recognise the blue bird painted on your bucket. I saw you take charge of your squad when Sergeant Jax was killed, and you kept the rest of them alive. There might well be a promotion coming your way."

A promotion. He'd always harboured the hope of making his way up the ranks, proving his worth and ability along the way. Seeing the captain in action, the way he was respected and admired, had only solidified that desire. But he hadn't entered the GAR as a sergeant, or a captain. It had never really occurred to him before now that someone would have to die for him to take their place.

But he nodded, and said, "Thank you, Captain."

"What's your name, trooper?"

"CT-zero-two-ni—"

"Your name, trooper," Rex clarified. The smile on his lips belied the sadness in his eyes.

CT-0292 removed his helmet. "It's Vaughn, sir. My batchmates called me Vaughn."

"Then welcome to the five-oh-first, Private Vaughn. Over there are your brothers. It won't always be easy, but whatever happens, we look out for each other. And I know you barely got to see General Skywalker in action, but I can promise you that he – and Commander Tano – are nothing like Krell. You'll see."

"Thank you, sir."

Captain Rex clapped him on the arm, then strode off across the clearing, towards the campfire. Vaughn followed, kicking up the smell of damp earth and decaying foliage, sickly sweet in his nostrils. He was pleased to see his squadmate, Ridge, among the ranks of troopers around the flames, and another who'd introduced himself as Sterling just one rotation prior.

"Room for two more, boys?"

☽

Thank you so much for staying to the end! Even though I enjoy reading some good ol' angst, it's definitely tricky to write, so it was nice to stretch those muscles for this prompt. Hope you liked it 💜

[rogueclonesftw]

hello! i don't know anything about your OC's, but i saw your post. could you perhaps list all of them with a short summary? 🙏🏻💕

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry this took so long to answer. I moved house and it was A Lot. My OCs are legion so for the sake of everyone else’s dashes I’m putting this under a read more

These are just for the clone wars era I’m leaving the rebels out of it

Thanks for asking!! Feel free to ask about anyone if you want to know more.

fair warning this is long af

I’m splitting it into sections to make this easier

Heretics

Jedi

Bela Rant

Togruta Jedi Master and mother Master of four Padawans children. Not a favourite of the Council due to differences in interpretation of the Code. Had an ongoing feud with Qui Gon Jinn that lasted until he died. She died in the war ten years later and Col took over her command.

Alask Racor

Grumpy Twi’lek first Padawan of Bela, had two Padawans of his own but was killed by pirates before the second was knighted.

Reya Meraska

Alask’s first Padawan. A human from Jedha and compassion incarnate. Had an uneventful apprenticeship and grew up to be comparatively quiet compared to the rest.

Ben Edo

Reya’s first and so far only Padawan. The model of a perfect Jedi except for thinking their interpretation of the Code is bullshit. Would have made one hell of a politician if he could stand the Senate. From Dantooine.

Tol Koden

Alask’s second Padawan, a very polite Zabrak. Alask died when he was 17 and Jos took over his training. He and Ben are the same age and were raised basically together.

Jos Vel

Stubborn and opinionated Kiffar. Bela’s second Padawan. Had her own (equally stubborn and opinionated) Padawan and then took over Tol’s training when Alask died.

Harlan Konshi

Jos’s Padawan. Also a Kiffar. Would also make a fine politician because being raised by Jos taught him to argue. He’s a bit of a jackass but in a charming way. Like, he’s a prick but you still like him.

Azaana Tyl

Harlan’s sweet, quiet, shy Togruta Padawan. Jos laughed so hard when she heard about that. Harlan is trying to teach her self-confidence. The baby of the family.

Col Blackmoor

Bela’s third and most disastrous Padawan. The former Temple Problem Child (now Temple Problem Adult). Not that he spends much time in the Temple. Was so far out on the Outer Rim he didn’t find out there was a war on until he had to come back and take over Bela’s legion. The worst case of ADHD the Temple has ever seen.

Lena Sola

Col took her in after an incident with her former Master almost saw her kicked out of the Order. Col intervened. She’s still uncomfortable around most Jedi, but they’re working on it. Sweet kid. Kage.

Aden Jadus

Bela’s final Padawan, knighted just before Geonosis. Yes, she’s from Tatooine. No, that does not mean she knows Skywalker. Stop asking.

Not-Jedi

Vale

The oldest of the bunch, Reya’s Commander. Has enough Big Dad Energy to build a deck at 20 paces. Meat grills in his presence and the shinies all fear his disappointed frown.

Nill

Jos’s Commander. Deeply claustrophobic. A nice, likeable guy unless you piss him off. Caffeine demon.

Jax

Clone Commander and Col Wrangler in Chief, Col regards his Commander with barely disguised awe. He considers him his closest friend. For his part, Jax thinks similarly highly of Col. He likes to draw when he gets spare time (rarely). Grew up with Sonny and Cody. Very protective of Lena.

Crater

Professional Ray of Sunshine, the exact opposite of his twin. Crater and Crash grew up with Wolffe. Crater was assigned to Ben, and he likes his General, really, but the man never sleeps. It’s starting to stress him out.

Click

Professional Salt Mine assigned to the Galaxy’s Politest Jedi because apparently the GAR runs on irony. Makes Wolffe look like a ray of happy, happy sunshine.

Pip

The perpetual optimist to Aden’s incredible pessimist. Remains stubbornly cheerful by choice, because if he doesn’t laugh he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop crying.

Dexter

Professional Grouchy Bastard. Likes Harlan well enough but will absolutely tell him he’s full of shit. If Azaana likes you, Dexter will tolerate your existence. If you make Azaana sad they will never find your body. A training accident left him with scars and a deep growl in his voice that makes him sound angrier than he is.

Stitch

Col’s CMO and the only person Jax legitimately fears. Deeply wishes his siblings and General would get injured less and look after themselves more. Is willing to enforce this with sedatives.

Zip

The Right Hand of God (Stitch’s second in command). He who wields the big needles.

Layne

Cheerful but stressed Captain of a company of reckless idiots who really should know better but apparently don’t. He should be used to it. He grew up with Rex.

Trip and Tap

Two survivors of Krell reassigned to Col. Tap has a nervous habit of tapping his fingers. Trip can trip over thin air.

Jazz, Snap and Void

A trio. Jazz likes to wander off. Void likes to hide. Snap likes to complain they’re giving him grey hair from the stress of having them disappearing all the time.

Ray and Rico

The product of an embryo that split, Ray and Rico lived in fear of being culled as defects on Kamino. They’ve since left Kamino, but the fear hasn’t left them.

Lys

A tired medic who would like Dexter to drink something that isn’t caf please.

Tyke

The medic with the most agreeable Jedi (Tol). He barely has to bully him into seeking medical attention at all. Such a shame that his Commander seems determined to make up for it by being a complete bastard. If Click wants to get tackled in the hallway, that’s his lookout.

Rill

Has a particular interest in medical research. Or he would if he ever had the time. 

Corrie

The youngest CMO in the GAR. Just barely 18, only on the field for six months and never meant to be CMO at all. But she’s the only medic Pip’s got left after that clusterfuck, so they’re all doing their best. She might be young but she will absolutely yell at a commander you see if she doesn’t.

New Dawn Crew

Not-Clones

Mira Vin 

A female Kiffar former Jedi whose Master died on Geonosis. The Council were going to knight her and make her a General, so she told Windu to stick it up his ass and ran away to the Outer Rim to harass slavers and save “defective” clones.

Kell Vekarr

An Alderaanian former Jedi who was rescued from slavers as a child. Finally took the 20 remaining members of his command and ran when the rest were killed over Ando. Jaster’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Jaster Toran

True Mandalorian bounty hunter who was betrayed by a client and sold into slavery. Joined the crew upon his rescue four years later. Kell’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Riye Toran

Jaster’s older sister who joined the crew to look for him and then stuck around because she liked it there.

Volya’tar

Twi’lek former slave who freed herself and stole a ship. Pilot, mechanic and Mira’s best friend.

Pash Colton

Dyspraxic dyslexic Corellian with more brains than sense. An engineering genius who has wisdom as his dump stat. Also sometimes a smuggler.

Jaina Bell

Tiny and terrifying. Orphaned at a young age and grew up to be a smuggler, mechanic and pilot.

Ela

Nonbinary Lorrdian. Has a long horrendous Lorrdian name they never use. Joined the crew because slavers suck and anything that makes their lives difficult is a good thing. Stuck around for the people.

Black Company

Halcyon

An ARC Captain known for his green hair and endless patience. Considers Kell a close friend but calls him Commander regardless. Used to fight Rex a lot as a kid. Please let this man rest.

Bones

Halcyon’s batchmate and Black Company’s CMO. A cranky bugger, but that’s understandable considering what he deals with daily.

Pax

The peacemaker between his idiot brothers and everyone else for as long as they can remember. A chill guy, but even chill guys have limits.

Tracyn and Carud

Two of the Nightmare Children. Their names are fire and smoke and they cause a lot of both, raising Pax’s blood pressure and driving Bones into apoplectic rage.

Isa

Jaro’s long suffering sister. Usually has to track him down to make him go to sleep. Has a weekly commiseration session with Ari (alcohol optional but recommended).

Jaro

Named for the Mando’a word for reckless and boy howdy is it accurate. The ADHD doesn’t help.

Ari

Rio’s batchmate and she loves her brother dearly but she is so done with his shit.

Rio

The last of the original Nightmare Children, ADHD disaster and source of most of Bones’s workload.

Kee and Jam

Nonbinary comms officers who bicker very cheerfully. Usually with each other. Often at high volume through the halls of the ship.

Torin

Gay artist baby.

Kol

Gay artist bastard.

Charly

Honestly he’s just here for a laugh and his brothers respect him for it. You’ve got to find your joy where you can get it these days.

Dys

Takes great delight in moving Set’s things just a couple of centimetres. Just enough to annoy him. Will deck anyone else who tries the same thing.

Set

Also known as Corporal Square Corners. Everything has to be neat and tidy. He was a godsend before inspections. Now he’s just the reason people have somewhere to sit.

Slip

Known for giving his trainers the slip and disappearing into the bowels of Kamino when they were doing training exercises he didn’t like and then getting stuck and having to be retrieved by Chase.

Chase

More like chase-ing his brother through the halls of Kamino to keep him out of trouble. There’s a running joke that he should have ended up in search and rescue.

Bright

Was he named for his bright red hair or as an ironic comment on his general outlook on life? Who knows? Not him. A pessimist if there ever was one.

Impulse

Full name Have-You-Ever-Heard-Of-Impulse-Control and no, he hasn’t.

Cuyan Squad

Sonny

A naturally blond, autistic, Force-sensitive Commander who survived Kamino by the skin of his teeth. Grew up with Cody and Jax. Hyper efficient Can, will and has broken people’s faces for saying shit about the Coruscant Guard.

Zak

Force-sensitive Captain who despises soup and has incredible claustrophobia. Good with kids though. Autistic.

Ru

Force-sensitive autistic Lieutenant. Quieter than Zak, and fully supports his vendetta against soup. Has his own vendetta against food that stabs you in the mouth.

Bang

Force-sensitive bomb-tech. Partially deafened in an explosion which also gave him some pretty intense scarring. Gets nervous when he can’t see people behind him.

Bit

Force-sensitive techie with a penchant for weapons modification and data slicing. Gives the best hugs in the squad.

Tink

If it’s broken Tink can fix it. The resident ADHD Force-sensitive techie. Has a tendency to hyperfocus on projects to the exclusion of all else.

Flow

De facto squad medic because he’s the best at Force-healing of the lot of them. He does not appreciate this, this is not what he trained for, you’re voiding his warranty, vode please. Dyed his hair purple because he could.

Edge

Thrill seeker with electric blue hair and boundless energy. The ADHD doesn’t help with the fidgeting, but he likes to go fast so Force-augmented speed is pretty great.

Ry and Cas

True twins born from the same tube, they’re the Fred and George Weasley of clones. They’ve got the red hair and everything. Judicious use of the Force makes pranks far easier.

Other

Caj, Chess and Blade

The brothers in charge of the homebrew alcohol. The taste is a work in progress, but the last batch didn’t make anyone go blind.

Rictor and Sike

Survivors of Krell who deal with their trauma in very different ways. Rictor is terrified of authority in case they turn out like Krell. Sike figures if he survived that he can survive anything and mouths off constantly.

Kano and Oly

Batchmates who were reconditioned separately (for nightmares and injury, respectively) and reunited upon Kano’s rescue. Oly had been with the crew for months by then. They both cried.

Sitrep, Conn and Sig

Three more nonbinary comms officers. A cheerful bunch who like to argue. Usually with each other. The problems started when they started arguing with their General.

Aran, Orar and Tay

Three heavy gunners who fight TJ a lot because the little twerp is asking for it (literally). Tay is relentlessly cheerful, Aran the exact opposite, and you’re lucky to get three words out of Orar in a row.

Ani, Mirdir and Dajun

Techies and mechanics who prefer wires to people. Mirdir and Dajun have known each other since birth and bicker a lot. Ani mostly ignores them.

Dane

A captain who finally snapped and told his General where he could stick his suicidal orders.

Sprint

Full name Slow-Down-There’s-No-Need-To-Sprint, a six foot ball of energy and barely contained enthusiasm. Usually found hurtling around the place at ludicrous speeds.

Crash

An anxious, autistic pilot who has never crashed his ship. He has, however, crashed himself into doors, siblings, training sergeants.

Rainer

A really chill guy who got shipped off for being too violent after a misunderstanding about a sparring match. TJ’s favourite sparring partner.

TJ

Likes to fight, does not care if his opponent could physically snap him in half. Sometimes he just has to beat his brain into submission via getting the crap beaten out of his body. Usually succeeds in provoking the heavy gunners into fighting him.

Zero

TJ’s perpetually worried brother. Really wishes TJ would chill. Dyslexic and has a recurring leg injury that won’t heal. Gets bored easily.

Brook and Storm

A pair of total nerds who get so engrossed in arguing that they don’t realise they’re about to walk into a tree. Frequently wander off and have to be returned.

Jai, Tala, Teek, Niko and Galaar

Five ARCs who got sent back to Kamino for telling their General to go kriff himself. Jai is Force-sensitive. Galaar is just a prick with a terrible sense of humour.

[fashournalist]

Thank you, Isentia Content Hub: An open letter to my colleagues.

Eleven days ago, it has exactly been two years since I first started working at Isentia. I remember feeling scared whether I’d belong, and what kind of people I’ll be working with. I remember I kept telling myself “Bawal maattach, Grace, as some alumni have said, when you enter the real world, you’re there to work. Just do your job well and be a team player, but don’t invest your emotions.” But here I am, after two years, with so many beautiful memories with amazing people. I did get attached after all, and it’s worth it. Because I did not only have colleagues, I met a new family.

This was my open letter to Content Hub, which I hesitated to send at first after writing, because it’s too long. But thankfully, two of my teammates encouraged me to send it because they said what matters is I wrote it from my heart and it’s my farewell message to my friends. (I was one of the employees who got laid off.) It was here that I learned tears are really contagious, because after sending this letter, I received texts saying they shed a tear, too. Perhaps that’s because when I wrote it, I was shedding tears myself. Why do I feel like graduating from high school? Haha! I guess this is how close we have been. So here goes my letter, and pictures of some of the memories we have made. :)

Dear Content Hub,

This August 20, it has been exactly two years since I started working at Isentia. And now, 731 days and 41,283 summaries later, I just finished my last working day as a Broadcast Monitor. Permit me to be cheesy, I just want to thank the amazing people who made the past two years a memorable journey. I apologize in advance for the length of this email, but please know this letter came from my heart.

I'm really blessed that I got to work with you. I did not only have colleagues, I had a family. That is why whenever I reached the office, my update to my parents has always been "Happy place". It meant I arrived safely, I'm at OSMA already. And I know there have been hardships, times heartbreaking news crushed me, or times I went home way past my shift. Yet whenever I was on my home, no matter how tired I got, I just looked forward to facing the next day and working again. If world news were a play, we all get front row seats, binge-watching current events for at least 40 hours a week. It genuinely excited me that our job allows us to literally learn something new every day. But, I don't feel that way all the time; sometimes I just have burnouts and frustrations. So I think the real major reason that kept me going through it all is I had colleagues as supportive as you guys are. Allow me to thank you.

To Sydney Swans, my first team. 

Working with helpful teammates like you added to my motivation as I traveled from LB to Ortigas every day for five months (when I was not yet able to find an apartment in Manila). Thank you for your devotion to Qld Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk. It showed me what client-obsessed looks like, and I committed to following that example. Your compere inside jokes and reactions to news added a lot of fun to our job. Until now, I enjoy backreading the group chat just to see your new musings or memes. Thanks a lot especially to John, Julianne, Zennon, Marco, and Kuya Ronnie.

To Fremantle Dockers, my afternoon shift team for more than a year, 

Thank you for everything; for being supportive colleagues, helping me whenever I struggled, and celebrating with me whenever I improved. 

Kuya Coily’s last day at our team.

How we help one another, especially during the Christmas dinner just so everyone can go to Sambokojin on time, inspires me. This was our post-Sambo bonding at Greenfield. I am also relieved that you never judged me as “walang pakisama” even though I only drank iced tea or milkshake haha. Others tend to force me to drink, but my friends at Isentia just let me finish all the food. HAHA. I appreciate people who can respect our preferences and differences. And you are witnesses that I don’t need to drink to be drunk. Based on my energy, I am drunk by default. Haha I will miss all these sessions with you and my batchmates!

I will miss our movie nights and billiard sessions (tho I'm just watching you haha) at the lounge. I wish we played more board games, too.

Isentia Outing 2019

Thank you so much also for being there for me when I lost my mother, you had my back and that will always mean a lot to me. When my Momi was still alive, she always knew I was working with great people. Thank you to every single one of you especially AJ, Morris, Evann, Aly and Kuya Mel. 

I look forward to a Dockers reunion when this pandemic is over! 

And my favorite teammate, Czesar. The best meetings are the ones you participated in. Thank you for all the laughter you gave us. 

I also want to thank my friends outside my team, including Tomie, Zendee, LA and Nico from Collingwood Magpies. 

Thank you for the dinner sessions and conversations on life and dreams!

This was LA’s birthday salubong at Kanto Breakfast :) While the next photo is a “panel discussion” at Goto Believe haha! We talked about the news we monitored, and boi, we went home at almost 5am.

Tomie, thank you for our never-ending laughter on our way home. Normally, I just want to be quiet and regain energy while traveling, but with you, it's okay to chat all the way to Quiapo.

To my favourite comperes, who will not read this but I feel like thanking anyway because some of you might share love for them: Marc Fennell, Jan Fran, Kanoa Lloyd, Jules Schiller, Sonya Feldhoff, Anna Vidot, Dave Sutherland, Tamara Oudyn, Sammy J, Paul Barry, Jeremy Corbett, David Speers, Leigh Sales and my inspiration Jesse Mulligan. Thank you because I learned so much about the world and about life from you. I will miss blogging about your stories and reacting to your insights.

To the leaders who managed me and/or accommodated my concerns, 

This is my former TL, Kuya Coily :)

TL Coily, TL Angel, TL Rem, TL Nico, TL Nic, TL Jonna, TL Geoff, TL Alni, and Sup Mitch. Thank you for all your help! Thank you for the times you inspired me and my colleagues to grow as well as the times you coached me, gave constructive feedback, and helped me overcome my weaknesses so I can continuously improve. 

To our Trainer Rachel, who we can consider as Content Hub's matriarch, 

thank you so much because you patiently equipped every single one of us before we transitioned to live operations. To OM Dean, thank you for your feedback and praise during my regularisation.

And most of all, to Western Borlogs fam, my home for two years, I don't even know how to thank you enough. 

I'm grateful you've been my batchmates at our training--and for everything after that. 

Isentia Outing 2019

Sibyullee, farewell samgyup party for Jai (her last day in the company)

Seoulgyupsal, farewell samgyup party for Aiona (before she flew to Spain to teach)

office memories :)

Pantry catch-ups. I usually eat at my desk because of all the work but I’m grateful for the times I was able to join their dinner breaks hehe.

Sambokojin, Christmas dinner 2019

Dear Borlogs, thank you for all the memories, endless laughter, samgyup sessions (a regular segment haha), Friday nights, and times we comforted each other when some of us are facing a hard time. Thank you also for comforting me and my family when you and B visited the wake of my Momi. She has always heard about you (and I'm happy she met some of you) when she was still alive. Thank you for being such a great sounding board, a safe space where we can be vulnerable and strong at the same time. Also, I've never been a milk tea person until I met you guys, so thanks for that, too. My BM experience would not be the same without you. Naz, Janelle, Joey, Patty, Billie, Lou, Aiona, Jai, Nee, Mau, C, Ady, Sarah. Thank you, sists!!

If you've read until here, thank you for bearing with my lengthy cheesy, farewell note to Content Hub. I attached some photos that captured a few of the memories I spent with you, as well as some jokes I've randomly thought about while monitoring. I was reserving them for Christmas Party or something, but anyway, here they are. I am confident they will make you cringe.

So there, I will miss you and I appreciate you always. I will not forget the memories we've made along the way. Thank you for everything, Isentia Content Hub! God bless you all and stay safe.

Arrivederci :)

Always,

Grace / Mariel

(this was me when I graduated from training and was so excited to be part of Content Hub haha)

PS. Thank you to Janelle, Jai, Joey, Jai, Kuya Coily, LA, Zendee, Dots and Troy for the photos!

PPS. Thank you so much for your heartwarming replies!!! And the food/gifts some of you sent!! I love you guys. (There, I said it. Haha! I was too shy to put that sentence in the email I sent. But this is my blog, I can write what my heart says without holding back)

^letter from AJ with a Bebi plant. She sent me oatmeal cookies and three novels too huehue she knows my weaknesses well haha thankuu ajj

^Matchaaaa from Patty thank you sist! <33

^Carbonaraaaa from Tomiee thank you siz!!!

Thank you to every single one of you. I was emotional when I wrote the open letter, but I got more nostalgic when I read your responses. I will always be thankful for the privilege of working with you and being your friend. Keep in touch, okay? We’ll still meet again. :)

Love,

Grace

[mikeedpp]

Baguio has always been a special place for me.

The first memory I have of it was when I complained about how ‘hot’ it was in Baguio back in the early 2000’s. I was wearing a matching plain yellow pullover and denim pants with my older sister, so my parents bought a white shirt for me, thinking that my pullover was sweating me out, but I actually wanted the blue-tinted Hello Kitty sunglasses I saw on the street vendor in Burnham Park to cool me down from the ‘heat.’ (This memory makes me hate my younger self! Haha!) Our family gatherings in Baguio went on as we grow. We would often go up north with a different set of relatives whenever long weekends and special occasions come. One of the most memorable trips though was when my deceased lolo Mario would keep a roof over our heads through his friend’s rustic house.

In 2011, my high school batchmates and I had a retreat in Mirador Jesuit Villa Retreat House Society of Jesus located atop Lourdes Grotto. It was one of the most awaited events in our high school life because we are going to spend our last retreat in Baguio. I remember how our class would listen to Katy Perry’s Peacock in the bus, how my roommate Selina and I would overthink the ghosts in our head, and how my teachers caught my friends illegally paddling in Burnham Park.

In early-December 2016, I got to revisit Baguio after six long years. It has changed a lot, but every corner of it still looked familiar to me. Every familiar place reminded me of a familiar face, especially my lolo Mario who just died nine months before. Baguio became my answer to the question, “Where do broken hearts go?” I went back there on all weekends of December with a different set of friends to create new memories. And it worked! It helped me prevail acceptance over hatred. I was able to move on with a happy heart.

This November, my family and I planned to come back to Baguio in time for the ASEAN Summit holiday to celebrate my mother’s birthday. We already booked roundtrip bus tickets for Friday night, but we got tested twice. First was the coming of Tropical Storm Salome, and second was when my younger sister broke the news that she’ll be having a makeup class on Saturday. My sister has never been (and never will be) absent from school, so it took us a lot of frustrations and compromises just to make our trip happen, but none of them worked.

Through it all, only one thing worked: prayer. For two days, I persistently prayed for our trip, for good weather, for my sister’s discernment, and that the superiors in my sister’s school may realize that this holiday is meant to be enjoyed with the family. As faith would have it, she came home on a Thursday night with the news that their Saturday class got canceled!

Our comeback as a whole family was a long time coming and it was worth the wait! However, the tests did not end at home. Much of our patience were tested in Baguio because this time, we commuted, we didn’t have a private car to carry us around, they relied on me on all of our whereabouts, and my family can’t afford to take long walks. Oh, the perks and the perils of traveling with the whole family!

Because of these, I was able to relearn some things: 1) unlike money, time and energy consumed cannot be replaced; 2) everything takes trust and patience, and 3) God is always with us. Here’s why.

Unlike money, time and energy consumed cannot be replaced. This has become one of my mantras after I graduated from the University. Of course, money is important, but I didn’t want it to become the strength and hindrance of what I choose to do in life.

According to an article on Medium, time, money, and energy are the constants that ‘rule our life.’ “When people are young, they have a lot of time and energy but no money and unfortunately most of them aren’t really wise enough to utilize these constants properly. When they grow into working-class citizens then they have a lot of energy and money but no time. They have work that takes their time. Of course, they are still young, so they have energy too. When they grow old, they have money, if they were smart enough to have saved some for retirement, but have no energy to do all the things they wanted to do when they were young.”

I got reminded of this when my family and I were in Baguio. I prefer walking around the city even if it takes me 15 minutes to reach my destination. I love maximizing its breeze and trees. I absolutely can’t and won’t do that in Manila! However, it is not for everyone. Most roads are steep, which make it hard for impatient and (in denial) aging people—also known as my family—to walk. It takes too much energy from them. This is why I decided to travel and pursue my passions at a young age. I didn’t want to look back on my youth and take a deep breath on the things I could have done while I was young and able. I can earn and save up again, but I can never bring my time and my energy back.

It takes trust and patience. As mentioned above, my family relied on me on all of our whereabouts during our trip. I knew almost every place in Baguio, although choosing where to eat was still a struggle. They kept asking me, “Saan na tayo?” “Malapit na ba?” “Maganda ba doon?” “Masarap ba doon?” As if I will take them somewhere they don’t deserve.

In those moments, I saw myself in them. I saw how worried I am whenever I don’t understand where the Lord is taking me. I often overthink, “How will I achieve this?” “How will I get there?” “How will I do that?” “Are we there yet?” As if our God is not able. As if our God will not fulfill His promises to me and you. As if He doesn’t know what He is doing. As if He doesn’t have the best plans for me. As if He will take me somewhere I don’t deserve.

Yes, waiting is not easy, especially when we don’t know what’s ahead of us. The long hike to the summit, the rocky road to employment, the coming of our future spouse. But in the end, the result is always beautiful because it is from God.

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7

So what do I do during the wait? Waiting doesn’t mean doing nothing. From experience, I decide on what areas in my life I should work on and persistently ask for His blessing and provision on my decisions. In the long run, He will establish your steps. He will reveal His answers to you through the Bible, the people around you, and the experiences you encounter. Work according to His will and believe that he will fulfill His promises for you. All it takes is trust and patience.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

God is always with us. It was 10:45 PM when my family and I just got home from the night market on Harrison Road. We thought we can finally rest after the long day until I found out that my phone is missing. I can’t remember how and when I lost it. All I know is that it can’t be lost because I have important files, notes, contacts, and conversations in it. My mother called my number, but it was out of reach on the first attempt. My sister kept calling, while I stayed in the room to compose myself. After a few minutes, someone was blowing the horn. My father and sister went out, only to find out that it was the taxi driver who drove us home from the night market. “Nagulat ako may umiilaw sa baba,” he said as he gave my phone back. “Thank you, angel, ha!” my father shouted in delight. When I went closer to them, I saw the name of the taxi (Angel Brielle Rose Taxi) and the name of the operator (Emmanuel Altaki).

Emmanuel means God is with us.

This incident reminded me that God is always with us. We are only passengers in this world. He assigns our respective driver to guide and protect us along the way, and He alone is the operator of all the rides we encounter. God is good. He is faithful. He is in control. He got it all figured out. He never fails. In all ways, always.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

You see, relearning is one of the reasons why I like revisiting places. No experience is ever the same because places continuously reveal new aspects of the things we thought we already know. They keep on reintroducing themselves in the form of new experiences, new people, new food, new wisdom, and new eyes that no new place could ever give.

This goes the same with our life. God lets us revisit our life every waking day to let us make things right, to be a blessing to others, to maximize the talents and skills He has given us, and to glorify Him alone.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

What place do you keep coming back to? What relearning experiences do you get every time you come back? How does God reveal Himself to you when you’re out there? I’d love to know your stories and testimonies!

Mikee

This post was originally published on Nov. 29, 2017, in my now-defunct website World In My Words.

[amireallyme]

How it all Started

I just graduated and I still feel really sentimental about it. this is quite a long post so bear with me.

I first met him on the bus on my first year of secondary school. he was that kinda person that you’d go “wow, he’s hot/good looking” at first sight. he was my bus eyecandy. he takes the same bus as me although we board at different stops. for 8 months, I didn’t know that he was a teacher in my school (though in my defence, there’s 2 routes that you can take to my school and he was also a trainee teacher). I only knew when my senior sent me a picture of him and his boyfriend at the gym. when I received the picture, obviously I recognised the dude whom I see on the bus everyday duh. word spread around the graduating secondary students that he was gay. I was the only non grad student who knows about this secret of his. it never left my lips to the ears of my batchmates or other ppl.

over the holidays before the start of my second year, I bumped into him and his boyfriend when I was at the supermarket. I was on my phone then and was pissed w this couple who blocked my way so I looked up. the dude on the left looked shocked while his friend just looked at the two of us holding eye contact. that guy was really familiar but I couldn’t recall. I was super tired and just wanted to quickly get my stuff and go home so I just squeezed right through the both of them. I then realised it was my teacher. he didn’t had his spectacles on and his hair was dyed hazelnut brown.

the next day, I had english oral examination. as I walked into the room with 4 other classmates, I had a shock of my life when I saw him sitting at one of the tables. despite trying very hard to avoid him, I eventually had to go to him for assessment. I stuttered a lot for reading aloud and I couldn’t hold a conversation with him during the spoken interaction segment. I mean who wouldn’t? at the end of the whole assessment, he thanked me and gave me pointers. “XX, I know we haven’t met...” I felt very ‘attacked’ when he said that cause I knew that he meant that we know that we both exist but never exchanged words before. I thanked him and stood up. the other teachers in the room looked at the two of us and smiled, apparently I was the last to finish despite being the first to come in. I ran out of the room, embarrassed.

when the new school term started, we met on the bus again as per usual— this time, he smiled at me. I felt so flustered, I didn’t return back a smile. the only time I get to see him is when I go to school and go back home. apparently, he started walking to school after reaching the interchange instead of taking another bus. so in addition to my 15 min journey to school, I get to walk ‘with’ him too.

he has a bad resting face, especially in the mornings and I got used to just making eye contact w him in the bus and acknowledging that as a ‘good morning’. there were times when he’d fall asleep and I’d wake him up and he’d do that with me too. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to be packed in between people so I always let others get off first before I get out of my seat. so does he. whenever he sits behind me, he makes sure that I stands up first. whenever he sits in front of me, he lets me walk past him and he’ll walk behind me.

our first real interaction happened in the student council. he was posted to my school officially and was in the student leadership department aside from the english department. in the later months of my second year, I got to know of the way he does things and how he works and honestly speaking, I was actually amazed by him. right after end of year examinations, we had to fill a form to choose our subject combinations that we would like to take in upper secondary. truth to be told, I was hoping that he’ll teach me in upper sec.

on the first day of school, I got to know my new form teachers. they were really nice. I got my new timetable and I scanned through the names. since I’ve been in the council for 2 years, I knew quite a lot of teachers and their initials. I was delighted with all the teachers that I got cause ALL of them were either Heads of Departments or well liked teachers because of their teaching styles. though, I wasn’t quite sure of who was my english teacher. I didn’t know his name then so I was excited for the second day of school since there’ll be english period. unfortunately I fell sick and took an MC for 2 days. on that thursday, we had english for first period. I was fooling around and talking with my friends when I realised that I’ve yet to know who my teacher was. “yo, who is CKJ?” I was waiting for a response from my tablemate when the class chairperson told us to stand. I did and looked in front. it was him. after greeting, he called me to the front of the class “hey, how are you? are you feeling better?” I smiled and said that I was. I went back to my seat, with my heart racing fast. my wish came true!

I never liked english lessons cause I find them boring. however, he actually made lessons wayy interesting. he infused technology, games, debates, etc in class, he not only changed my perspective and attitude towards english but the whole class’. never in my 8 (now 10) years of education have I actually looked forward to english lessons. he would find me every now and then to ask me to help him out to distribute notes, collect homework etc. I felt kinda bad for the eng rep at times cause he’d still come to me although she’s near.

around May, we had an overseas immersion programme. I chose my country of choice. when the results came out, I went to the notice board in front of the general office to check out whether I got what I wanted. I did, and at the bottom of the list, it stated the names of the teachers that were in charge of us. HE WAS IN CHARGE. I was ecstatic. we spent 5 days 4 nights there, the longest trip for a short haul flight. for those 5 days, he stuck to me like my personal tour guide. he’d ask me about the geographical features of the place (he loves geog and he knows I take geog as well) and just random stuff that’ll pop in his head. when we were given free time to roam around a museum, I realised that he went to every painting that I looked at. since I was a systematic person, I realised that he might be one as well. so for the next artefact, I walked across the whole room. before I realised, he was already behind me. “what do you think this flag is symbolic of?”. later, we were driven to a geographical landform which was popular amongst tourists. our tour guide left us to take pictures and I used that time to just sit and watch the waves. my friends unknowingly start to block my view so I got really angsty. I nudged and kicked them away. I heard a laughter. it was him. he sat next to me and we just talked about the formation of the headlands and bay. when I got back to my hotel, I was informed that before I started getting all cranky, he was already standing behind me and smiled widely when I was raging. when we reached the airport, he offered to send my home via cab when he knew that I would be taking the public transport home cause my parents were too busy to fetch me.

3 days before the trip, I was announced to be the new head prefect of the council. only the 10 candidates knew of this together with the council teachers. during the trip, he announced to everyone there that I should get the honour to hold the school banner. I didn’t know how to react so I just smiled sheepishly as everyone gasped at the news. this year, he was changed to another department. he had my picture on one of his slides regarding our plans after high school. I was the joke of the cohort cause I changed gender ( he arrowed my picture to guys of different races and level of educations ). he told his form class that he chose my picture because I looked good and suited the context of the presentation slides.

he’s a really professional teacher. although by the second year his secret was exposed to everyone and people made fun of him, he never cared and continued his day to day behaviour. I really respect him for that. he also doesn’t mix personal feelings into work. if I have to describe him in a word, I shall say reserved. he’s not the type of teacher to strike conversations with students and he only talks with a small group of teachers. I was no different, although, he did come to check on me once in a while when he walks past me while I’m studying and would give me energy snacks. it’s an open secret among my batchmates that I like him and everyone knows that he treats me a lil differently, including some of the teachers, although it’s not that obvious. I actually don’t know what to do now. should I confess to him and move on or just keep it this way.

yes, my first legitimate crush is him. I eye candy a lot of people, evident in how it was the same for him at first but I gradually grew to love him for him and not only his looks. mr c (my form teacher) is the only teacher that knows about this.

[schadenfreudefreude-blog]

Two Different Worlds

I was going to the same Catholic private school of our small rural town since I was four years old until I turned sixteen . We always celebrated annually the feast day of our school's patron saint, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, every 16th day of July. I was born in Cabanatuan, a city near San Jose City, Nueva Ecija, Philippines, where we are residing. San Jose is a beautiful place, with a river, hills, plains, and even an annual onion festival known as Tanduyong Festival. San Josenians hold a cultural show by conducting dance ritual at the streets showing the way of life of the folklore here by planting onions. I spent a happy childhood here, and I was just an ordinary girl. I would look up in the sky full of fluffy clouds or night sky and dreams the dreams of a girl. I used to imagine that I was a Disney Princess, saving and helping the world.

My story begins with something that happened to me when I was ten years old and going to the Catholic private school of our small town. My heart stopped. Maybe, I was maybe nine or ten. Looking back, that's when I began to worry about what other people thought of me and started seeing myself through their eyes. I stopped looking up at the clouds in the day. I stopped looking up at the stars at night. I stopped daydreaming. I stopped being a princess. I tried to please everyone. Some days I lack self-believe and I started letting other people made me into something they wanted me to be. Soon, I began to shut out my own voice and started to listen to the voice of others. I was ten when I learned what my parents' job is. I'm not aware before I was ten because they never really brought it up. My father is a licensed medical technologist, licensed nurse, licensed physician, and licensed surgeon. He passed all of the board exams. He also studied and graduated from his Masterals three years ago. He was the chief of a public hospital. He was workinh for the government for 36 years. And he will retire in his 60, four years from now. And my mother is a registered nurse. I was in my fourth grade when I found out all about this and my point of view changed since then. No one called out my name, and neither did I. My heart stopped and my eyes closed shut. So, like this, I, we, all lost our names and identity. We became like ghosts.

All sorts of sights and smell come back to me, rise up from within me, to touch me with an ache and a blissful shudder, dark streets and bright streets, houses and churches, only one or two famous fast food restaurants, no malls or no high buildings, people's faces, rooms full of warm and homey comforts, rooms full of secrets and of deep fear of ghosts, haunted by Philippine mythology and ghost stories. There is the scent of warm, closed spaces, of dogs, goats, cows and carabaos, of household remedies, carabao's milk and dried fruit. Two different worlds intermingled there; from two opposite poles came the day and the night.

One world was the parental home, but actually it was even narrower, in truth it contained only my parents. On the whole I knew this world well: its name was Father and Mother, it was love and strict rules, education and example. What belonged to this world was gently shining radiance, clarity, and cleanliness; quiet, friendly conversation, washed hands, clean clothes, good behavior. Morning hymns like Cinderella were felt there, Christmas and New Year celebrated. In that world of straight lines and paths leading into the future, there was duty and obligation, bad conscience and confessions, short-term goals and long-term goals, forgiveness and good resolutions, love and respect, wisdom and Biblical proverbs, competence and confidence. You had to keep to this world for your life to be pure, beautiful, and harmonious.

Meanwhile, the other world was there already, right in the middle of our house and completely different: it smelled different, spoke differently, promised and demanded entirely different things. There were serving girls, tradesmen and squattered people in this second world, and ghost stories and scandalous rumors, a richly colored flood of monstrous, tempting, frightening, mysterious things like the slaughterhouse, public market, and the prison, alcoholics and bickering women, cows giving birth and horses with broken legs, homeless dogs and no one to take care of them, and stories of burglaries, murders, kidnaps, suicides. All these beautiful, horrible, wild, cruel things existed all around in the next street over, in the house next door. Policemen and beggars ran around, drunks beat their wives, victim-blaming in cases of rape or sexual assault, people were objectified and bullied, old women could cast a spell on you and make you sick, bands of robbers; this powerful second world welled up everywhere, its scent was everywhere, except in rooms where Mother and Father were. And that was good. How wonderful that here, in our home, there was peace and calm and order, duty and conscience, mercy and love, and how wonderful that all the rest existed too, everything loud and shrill, dark and violent, from which you could escape to Mother in a single bound.

The strangest thing is how these two different worlds touched each other, how close to each other they were! For example, when I was eleven years old, our maid Ate Eddiebell, when she sat with her freshly washed hands resting on the apron she had smoothed down on her lap, ironing our clothes in my room and joining her bright voice to the song in the radio. I always see my scrawl ugly but our maid inspired me to own a notebook and I started improving my penmanship by imitating her handwriting. I got the willpower that I can do anything I want if I work into it. She taught me what music is. She would write song lyrics in her notebook and I find it fascinating. Then, she sings and we both sing the songs in her notebook. Every night, she would tell me stories about her life in Bacolod. I admired how she always smile and she influenced me so much to love dancing, painting, and writing. She was a dancer and she shared to me their hard routine exercises or her love life. She had that warm feeling that my parents never made me felt. She has this life so alien to me. The next moment, in the kitchen or my room, when she told me the story of the little man with no head, or fought with the neighbor women at the butcher shop, she was someone else and part of the other world, and was shrouded in mystery. That's how it was with everyone, most of all myself. Of course, I was part of the bright and true world. I was my parents' child but wherever I turned my eye or ear the other world was always there, and I lived in the other world too, even though it often felt like I didn't belong there, in the spooky realm of fear and bad conscience. At times I even liked the forbidden world best, and often my return to the light, as good and necessary it might be, felt almost like a turn toward something less beautiful, less exciting, more desolate and dreary. And then one day, our maid go back to her home and she never came back to our home. I'm thankful for the light, stories and the truth she shared to me in just a short amount of time.

Sometimes I knew that my goal in life was to turn into someone like my father and my mother: so bright and pure, so superior and harmonious. But it was a long, long way to that goal, and along that way you had to sit quietly in school and study and take tests and pass exams, and all the while the path ran right past the other, darker world, or through it, and it was by no means impossible to stay in it, drown in it. There were stories of lost boys and girls, prodigal sons or daughters, and this had happened to, and I read them avidly. The return to the father, to what was good, was always such a magnificent liberation in these stories. I was perfectly aware that this was the only right and good and desirable outcome; but still, the part of the story that took place among the lost and evil souls was always much more exciting, and, if it were only possible to admit it, it was sometimes actually rather a shame that a lost soul had to repent and be found again. But that was something you didn't say, and didn't even think. It was just there, somehow, as a hunch or possibility buried deep, deep down in your feelings. When I imagined the devil, I could see him perfectly well on the street down the hill, in disguise or not, or at the fair, or in a pub or bar, but never with us in home.

I had one sanctuary, and that was writing, justice, and music. There was a small voice in me when I was seventeen years old that said, "Wake up, girl, and listen to yourself!" But it took me a long time to hear music, writing and law calling my name.

Even after making a decision to shift my course to Communications from Pharmacy, there were hurdles. Most people doubted my capabilities and they thought I am hopeless or I made bad decisions in life. Sometimes, I just wanted to quit.

I think I was very lucky that I didn't give it all up.

I'm sure that I, and we, will keep stumbling and falling. I am still an ordinary twenty-two year old girl. If there's anything I have achieved, it was only possible because I had my groupmates, batchmates, mentors, teachers, instructors, and friends by my side, and because of the love and support of my family.

Like most people, I made many mistakes in my life.

I have many flaws and I have fears. I have anxieties but I am going to embrace myself as hard as I can, and I'm starting to love myself, little by little.

[popcornbutterflymedia]

this is written on the on the afternoon before the fourth episode of the series on after my fourth viewing of this third episode, which is crunch time for my favorite episode yet. i figured this would write itself. this might be as short as a note, let’s see where this goes. this is the most complete episode thus far. while all three episode are great in their own right, the first two seem like expository, introductory episodes, this feels like the beginning of classic hih. this is where we begin to play.

the third episode begins where the second season left off. we see just how hard max took the bullying, not because she was hurt, but because the harassment has gone too far that it has caused her the means of taking care of her family. the first two gaps collectively is proof that belle is max. i don’t see anyone else as max. it’s belle’s ability, willingness, and daring to transform. just know you have won me, and a lot of us over. belle is such a drama princess in the best ways possible. she pretty much owned that confrontation, and the mantra scene after. now, i don’t know the shooting sequence, so i don’t know at what point donny decided to grow up, i just know that at some point, he did, before that point though, he was already warming up to it. this is if that same confrontation scene is our reference. donny takes time to lock in, at least at this point, but when he finally connects, he’s there with you and you feel it.

more family drama. max gets home after a harrowing day of dealing with deib and his merry band of bullies, only to face her dad as a basang sisiw. there is no question as to her dad’s gentleness, his walking the tightrope where this daughter is concerned, the eagerness to make up for it, the desire to be a dad. on this episode it’s his reassuring ít’s okay... as his daughter was scrambling for acceptable words to explain why she was caught in such a precarious situation, that got to me. 

macy is a different story. she isn’t necessarily the evil stepmom, but i don’t trust her. and that air of suspicion is why i adore the portrayal. i never know if she’s sincere or not. i’m in between wanting to hate her, while still being respectful of her valid fears and trust issues. i suppose max being her husband’s daughter isn’t enough. how unfortunate.

as max retreats to the safety of the written word and her babu, the question still looms: who is babu? it looks like the email address is giving away the confidante’s prized identity. does it?

hospital stories. hospital stories are my absolute favorite moments of deib’s in character, it’s where he is most human, most disarmed. this is where donny is his most engaged, of his own scenes without belle. i am guessing this is after the growing and glowing up? moments by the his brother’s bedside amaze, because the character doesn’t need to shed tears for me to start bawling. it will always be the keeping it together that will get to me the most, and that i will understand and resonate with so deeply. having said that, deib’s unravelling is a curiosity. as much as dale’s identity is also a curiosity.

on the topic of humanizing characters, it’s interesting how max and deib both, are each one person respectively less of being cursed as stereotypes and caricatures of their own characters. for max that person is her lola, with an uncle as a bonus, and for deib it’s his brother. lola is max’s keeper, kuya dale is deib’s. relationship with his brother is a reference point for his soul. it’s a soul that was willing to come forth, if that soul was enough to weather the noises of the world, and ward off the expectations of social stature in the high school hierarchy. it wasn’t at this moment. ego and reputation still won. the shame is understandable, but why blame max for her friends’s clumsy fingers? it’s really any opening to get to max, is it? everything is max’s fault, even the beloved star players almost losing game.

the marked social outcasts of benison high converge away from prying eyes, and we get to find out more of the bad words that must not be spoken. the same bad words i am excited to meet in person. that’s such an odd sentence to write, but dalia, the girl is reliable for queenly behavior herself.

with the ceasefire off the table, all eyes are still hot on our heroine. our star player is getting too close to comfort, still a pain but in a mischievous playful way that involves floral undergarments and height differences. it was funny, and would have stayed funny if mister headmaster did not see the two in the middle of playing. 

an anti-bullying project together in exchange for not being suspended, just so she wouldn’t be her father’s headache, and he wouldn’t miss game practices. much as they abhor working together, i am sure we are secretly thanking mister headmaster as early as now for bringing our lovebirds together. they’re portrayals convince me of their cat and dog dynamic, but the inability to stay away, and the constant glint in his eye makes me think there is already an attraction there from the start. i can tell that for him it’s the fascination for her difference, and indifference, the attraction to her emotional abandon, which i imagine is a big deal for someone who has had to be calculated for most his life, and to think, that even with that already calculated nature, he still can’t get on his mom’s good side. hahaha! wait, i am crying again, as i am writing this. 

at their usual hangout, said project raises taguro’s friends’ eyebrows. taguro finds out sensui has an older brother (human moment max, enough to be curious about your adversary?) it turns out, deib having an older brother in a coma, the reasons for that coma, as much as they are narrative altering curiosities, aren’t as narrative altering as the person credible enough to tell the truth of said confinement: the calm and quiet big sister that is michiko. dale’s friend and batchmate, and probably something more? is dale going to be the third wheel to tob and michiko? how will that change the dynamic, if ever? is michiko the key? the key to what? so many questions. does dale have to wake up for the questions to be answered? am i watching too many kumu live sessions? i love those!

i could be wrong. if i am, don’t mind me. i know nothing about the books. i probably should get my hands on them when it becomes available. how many are original characters, and how many are hybrids of two or more characters? is michiko an original character? if she is, i just feel i need to say this: kaori is michiko taranza. michiko has so much to be thankful for, for kaori being her vessel. a lot has been said about the casting of this series, one of the most resounding is the belief that kaori should have been max, because she has some traits and characteristics of the character, which i admit to seeing. if kao was cast as max, then there would have been no one else more perfect to play the japanese big sister role. apart from the fact that belle is doing a fantastic job as max, it isn’t kaori’s loss that she was chosen as michiko, it is michiko’s gain, it is her blessing to be played by kaori. a role she’s doing such a great job portraying. if hih is an exercise in acting for these kids, and acting is a transformative process, then kaori is doing a great job filling in the prim and proper big sister shoes. i just need to explicitly say that. more than being the right casting, this is the sensible casting. they just make sense. 

while mean girls are served as secrets are uncovered at the barb, in a covered court not far off, egos are bruised, dares are made, scores are settled, and for a three on three friendly game, (”friendly” being the operative word), it’s an all out testosterone fest. and it’s awesome! we finally get to see what the lone shark is made of. the boys did great that it expanded the show’s source of rivalry and tension. we finally get to see miah in action, and to say that he’s effective is an understatement. that boy’s good, real good in character, if you want an actor to play a bigger role on a show (rj, perhaps? i know nothing), you could surely count on miah. you know he’s great because he made donny step up. he made donny even better. i don’t mind more of these competitive encounters in the future. the deib the star player lost by one (so i need the bears to win on the next court meet ups. and yes, i am speaking about these encounters like they’re absolute certainty). the star bear lost by one, again, and the barb is about to swallow max whole. good thing she was able to work around her schedule to accommodate her master nemesis. taguro refuses to get suspended she is willing, instead to enter the lion’s den. just for a school project she insists. it’s home court advantage, to keep sensui’s enemies closer, and not at all for a second kiss. as max is leaving, michiko reminds her to play nice. “magpakabait ka ha? natalo si deib.” she calls out. somehow, that reminder has more weight in tagalog. it’s a heaviness i would love to understand more of, and see lighten.

max makes it in time to the enrile mansion. somehow, the difference between her rugged motorbike and elegant, imposing home is striking. this also speaks also of the stark difference between its owners.

for someone who has everything, deib’s home is empty. i don’t know if that’s surprising or not. it’s hollow, a nanay (yaya) on every floor as max’s welcoming party. the first nanay thinks taguro is pretty. i don’t know if this piece of information is relevant to the story, but it is personally striking that someone like her knows so much about her ward, because sometimes they’re the only people who care to know. and that’s incredibly touching. does deib tell her about this girl?i wonder what he says about her. why the need to share? do they approve? is there anything to approve of in the first place? completely irrelevant, but i am crying again. it’s the lolas and the nanays for me any day. 

a hollow house with a maze for a second floor, a floor too easy to get lost in, although not quite as loss as i suspect those who reside there. max got lost anyway.  does max know a boy’s room isn’t a bathroom? a boy’s room is where she found herself in, not just any boy, but the sensui to her taguro. deib enrile.

this is deib enrile at his rawest, without his defenses, stripped of his public perception and reputation. he was able to use his homecourt advantage for a split second, until the glint of fascination in his eyes returned and gave him away. poor max had to deal with his looming, imposing presence with no time to run, and no place to hide. she probably does not know it yet, but the tables of whatever this game they’re playing turned. the stakes shot higher, the air of tension around them thickened, and in that moment something shifted. hers is the winning hand.

his enchantment for this spitfire girl is irresistible. her introduction to him deepened so suddenly. it feels like they’ve made falling a competition, and all these together made for a supercharged last moment of this episode.

a few things:

i am so glad both donny and belle are of legal age. i am so glad belle is of legal age, and game, and brave.

i still can’t put my finger on why scenes like these feel different with these two. this isn’t the first scene of this nature i’ve seen, but i know it must’ve required time to build that trust and comfort level. and in the context of the story, to have this moment this early on in the story is daring, and throws the narrative wide open for possibilities.

on first viewing, this moment earned all caps twitter screaming, as well as actual screaming. the succeeding views still have that same effect, but calmer, quieter. it still somehow hits stronger when you realize that deib, in all that he did, was deliberate. max, once the shock subsided, i believe had a moment to decide, and she stayed.

saying yes to moments like these also throw the door wide open for possibilities of what donny and belle are willing to do and are game for. i am excited to to see their choices and where their choices lead the both of them together. i can’t wait to see them fly.

episode 4 tonight! and sesson 2 please? :) apart from the pandemic, i hope it’s an easy decision.

for a post written in two half days, that began, the day before the fourth episode, amd written between real life and birthday parties, this post really did write itself. i must love this episode that much. i know i have so much love and gratitude for the show, and the team. who all make it easy to find words that are hopefully inspired. 💙🐻💘

[purplesurveys]

456

Got any nicknames that you rarely even use? Nah, my one nickname is used a lot. Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? I’m fine being female. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? Not at all, I get happier when I finally get to say it with one more added year. Probably because I’ve always wanted to break out of that long ass period of being a teenager and being overlooked and invalidated and all those rebellious blunder years as well. Working anywhere? No. I’m interning in a PR company starting next Thursday, though! What's your favorite thing to put in your mouth? Japanese or Indian food.

What about the worst? Accidentally-eaten raisins. Have any allergies? Nope. I’m just glad I’m not allergic to any food. One of my closest friends, Kate, is allergic to eggs, chicken, and meat; and a lot more people i know are allergic to seafood and I’m sooooooooooooooooo frustrated for them. Are you confident enough to reveal your height and weight? Sure. I don’t mind being tiny and I never really struggled with weight. What one personal rule you have that you want your surroundings to follow? I hate physical touch as communication. Holding my hand, hugging me too tight, resting your head on my shoulder, suddenly grabbing my arm...unless it’s Gabie, and to an extent Kate (cos she’s naturally touchy) and Angela, I get freaked out inside. When you get muscle soreness, where does it hit you the worst? Shoulders and neck could get pretty bad. What do your parents call you? Anak or ‘Nak, which literally means ‘child’ in Filipino; Robyn, and Byn. When they refer to me in a conversation with my younger siblings, I’m called ‘Ate,’ or the term for elder sisters. Something you just can’t stand no matter what? When someone scrapes their utensils onto their plate way too hard and loud. What’s something that people do that you love? When everyone bands together to help someone when they’re in trouble. Of course this doesn’t happen all the time, but it’s so easy to make me cry just by making me watch videos of this happening. How old were you when you first got to go on the computer? I was 3. My dad had Need for Speed on the computer and I still remember how it came with the legit steering wheel and pedals. If you have a blog, facebook, myspace, etc, how long have you had it for? I think I’ve had this one since 2016. I have another survey blog I got locked out from because I forgot my password, and I had that since 2012 or 2013. If you have a blog or website, advertise here: I’m posting this on my blog itself lmao. What age would you want to get married/did you get married? 27-29. Any lovers at the moment? I have a girlfriend, sure. When was the last time you had a crush on someone? Right now, but more intensely this morning haha. Would you say you're an emotional person? More than average, definitely. Have a kid or want to? Want them. Describe your hair style right now? It’s in a ponytail but I’ve had it on since morning and I’ve been on the couch the whole day so it’s a super messy one right now. A habit a lot of people around you notice you doing is? I don’t know if there’s a habit everyone tends to do, but they all seem to curse, if that’s counts as a habit. Favorite artist? Like...in general? Probably Hozier, he’s one of the best and most genuine artists/songwriters out there. And Hayley Williams. What's a fashion trend you would rather die than follow? Don’t Blame The Kids merch. Got any internet friends you've never met in real life? Yeah, my old internet friends - they all lived either in the US or spread out in Europe so I really could not meet with them ever. Right now, the ones I’ve never met are Aliyah and Gabbie. Do you chat with a lot of people on the computer or only few? It used to be a lot since I was super active in the wrestling fandom before. Nowadays my circle is kept to my high school batchmates and college friends. Your favorite person you know in real life is...? My girlfrienddddddddd. Are you a forgiving person? No. It’s kinda the unofficial personal rule I have with people: I will always give away my trust to anyone from the very beginning and will be patient for a very long time, that to fuck up hard enough to reach the point of having to ask for forgiveness is already like overstaying in my circle or my life in general lmao. What's a color that suits you the best? Black and maroon. For some reason green does too, but I hate green. And a color you just can't pull off/don't want to? Orange, gray, yellow. Based on your running speed, what animal would you be? I’d probably be like a cow hahaha. Got any hobbies? Sure.

Can you read in public? Only if I manage to be alone and end up in a quiet and comfy area in public. The noisiest I can handle is probably a busy coffee shop because at least the noise there is a bit therapeutic. Describe yourself when you were 6 years old? I dunno, really...I was friends with a popular bunch and we even made a dumb 6 year old thing we called the Bratz Club (because they were huge at the time), but there was also huge bitch of a bully not from the group who also always targeted me. I was still a big crybaby, and I threw a huge tantrum one time someone mistakenly told on me when I didn’t do anything, that my mom had to step in lmao. I was still pretty quiet but like I had enough friends and I even spoke on our moving up ceremony, so I think I was doing quite well. Right brained or left brained? I already forgot my psych lessons from two semesters ago, hah. How much sleep do you get usually? 6-7 hours is the average. Do you know your blood type? I don’t. What’s hilarious (and sad) is that I don’t think my parents know either unless they check my birth cert LMAOOOOOO. Whenever I have to fill out forms that ask for it, I ask my mom and she deadass says, “O+ is the most common right? Just write that one down” bye sis if I need a donation and I die that’s on her kksksksksks What's your favorite astrologic sign? I don’t care for and hate all of them. What month do you with you were born and why? April. Presumably because I was conceived somewhere in mid-July 1997, I guess? Have any large dreams you're trying to achieve? Sure.

One thing you would like to change about yourself? My anxiety. One thing you like about yourself? Work ethic. A type of personality you just can’t stand? People who say too many innuendos or are too green-minded. Your personality in one word would be? Uhhhh that’s hard to capture. I guess ‘shy’ is the word. Your appearance in one word would be? Chill.

What’s a talent you'd love to have? Playing the piano. The best prank you've pulled? I hate pranks, whether I’m the pranker or prankee. If I gave you ten dollars right now, what would you do with it? Save it. I’m out of money from drinking in two upscale bars last night lol. What if it was a million dollars? Probs get myself a nice dinner. A person or a thing you truly love from your heart? Girlfriend. A wish you have? More money. Pokemon, Digimon, GI JOE, Barbies or other? Pokemon. City type of person or country? Definitely the city. As good as the food is and as clean as the air is in the province, I don’t think I’ll last. Plus I was never raised in the province so I would miss the city life too much.

Ever take polls on the net? Yeah sometimes I’d take the ones I’d come across just for funsies or because I’m genuinely interested about the results. Any word that you love? Poignant. I thought it meant something nice and ~elegant at first; had no clue it was supposed to mean something super bittersweet. What's something you're obsessed about right now? Mukbang ASMR videos. If you had a typing battle, do you think you'd win? I think I would hahaha. Several semesters of rapid note-taking in college will serve me well. Favorite type of candy? Peanut butter cups, if they count. How often do you clean your ears? Every other day. Brag about something! I got a 2.00 in a class I genuinely thought I’d fail in. 2 isn’t a great grade at all but that class was SO AWFUL that I was dying of anxiety just to get a 3 this whole time. My instructor released the grades last night while I was at a club and I bawled when I found out. Something you find unhealthy about yourself? I eat so unhealthily and have no healthy habits AT ALL other than constantly drinking water. I don’t wash my face, never watch what I eat, never exercised a day in my life, all that neglectful jazz. Words of wisdom? I’m not really in a thoughtful mood rn to spontaneously think of advice. Are usually the one talking or listening to others? Listening. I hate having to be in the spotlight longer. Your reaction if someone told you you look 10 years older than your age? Honestly I’d be really flattered because I’ve looked 10 years younger my whole life. To say that I look 10 years older will just balance it out to mean that I look my exact age hahahahahaha Any favorite numbers? I don’t have lucky numbers but whenever I have to pick ones, I always say 4 or 23. Any weak spots? ???? Like in bed? Lmao my neck but I hope I understood this correctly. Do you really badly want anything right now? Money. Savings. But also iced coffee :( How much money would you say you have saved up? I literally have no money in my wallet and I can take a photo right now to show that I have absolutely no bills left. I get really irresponsible with money when I get a little tipsy and I got three Long Island Iced Teas last night :/ the last glass I bought when I found out my grade in that pain-in-the-ass class I talked about earlier, so it was technically an impulse celebratory purchase. Anything from your past you just want to forget about? So many events, my friend. So many events. What does it take to earn respect from you? None. I give everyone respect and trust from the very beginning, because that’s what they deserve. But the thing is I can very much take it away when it’s disrespected or abused. Where were you born? Somewhere in stinky Manila. How many people do you live with? 4. How do you cheer yourself up? Depends. It’s a different formula each time. What's something that makes you really stressed out? Internship. Have any particular standard you look for in a significant other? No. I’m a demi, so I’ll end up being attracted to someone because of who they are. I used to have standards but they were so limiting, so I just got rid of those. Ever had a friend that was someone completely opposite to you? Gabie. Ez. We couldn’t be any more different. Are you any good at science? I’m good in biology in particular and I’m okay in physics, but I hate chemistry.  Highlight of the day? Waking up to Gab because she slept over last night. Do you go on any forums on the net? Does Reddit count? What do you think of your voice? It’s okay. It’s not super annoying for me. A smiley face you use a lot? Just the classic :) Do you use msn-lingo? Not since 2011 at the latest haha. Got any secrets you honestly can't say to anyone? This blog. Well except for my sister who stays as the only person I know who knows about this, but other than that I wanna keep this as a secret safe space forever. Best horror movie? Oh wow I haven’t seen anything new in a while. It’s still a four-way between Scream, Cabin in the Woods, The Shining, and Carrie. Believe in voo doo? No. Think anything lives forever eternally? Uh maybe jellyfish? Tacos or Burritos? Burrito. I never liked tacos. The most annoying question on these surveys? Maybe the ones that didn’t use apostrophes when the questions needed them. Whats something you do when you're dead bored? Watch videos. Ever made a survey? Nah. What do you think of people who speak their mind? Brave. But they should also be careful to not be too comfortable about being blunt that they wind up an asshole. How do you act to people around you crying? I stop what I’m doing and listen to them, if they want to talk. What's something you've tried really hard at? Passing that bitch of a class I’ve mentioned for the third time in this survey. How do you say good byes? I just say a ‘bye,’ but if it’s a harder goodbye then I usually avoid the situation, because I cry easily.

[surotmatias]

It’s one thing learning about a batchmate or that-person-from-this-course or a professor dying, but it’s another to go to one of your former students’ wake; a student who was, is, one of your favorites and whom you knew from the get-go was going to be somebody and outlive you and attend your funeral, maybe even give a heartfelt eulogy if you’re worth their five minutes. 

(It’s also - ironic is not the right word because something else is fitting for this scenario but I can’t put my finger on it - that she died on what would have been my grandfather’s 100th birthday, and that her wake was held at the same place as his. Might be a coincidence, might be the universe telling me something, but anyway that’s not the point of this entry. Or, it could be. Who knows.)

She passed at the very young age of 23: sorta fresh out of college (go UP!), very active in church (even went on missions outside the country), intelligent, smart, beautiful, can sing, can dance, can act, soft-spoken, always quick with a smile --- basically everything you ever want to become, or if it’s too late, everything you want in a future daughter. Only catch is, she’s got lupus. Or had lupus. Apologies if my tenses are not what they need to be.

The place was filled to the brim when I got there (there were over a hundred people, not counting the ones who couldn’t get in and those who were still on their way), but thanks to my tiny-ness I was able to make my way inside and find a nice spot beside the make-your-own-coffee-table-thing just in time for the service to start. It opened with one of her favorite worship songs, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t choke up every three/five minutes in between the songs and the eulogies. We weren’t close as adults the way we were when she was my student --- in fact my last memory of her is when we bumped into each other in a restroom in a building in Ortigas five or six years ago and we said the usual hi-hello-OMG-what-are-you-doing-here-how-you been-see-you-around to each other, and everything else that followed were likes or hearts on Facebook posts --- but I guess what made me tear up here and there was that after all the eulogies, I found out that she stayed the same person I knew some ten or eleven years ago. If anything, it seems she even became a much better person since then.

And I know you would say “Of course no one talks bad about a dead person at their funeral!” but in this case, every person who spoke in front did talk about her less-than-pleasant qualities, but I guess she still did way more good than not-so-good that’s why a lot of people who wanted to pay their last respects had to fall in a very long line that extended out to the hallway just to do so. 

This got me thinking, and I’m just gonna make this about me for more than a sec, but humor me: If I died now, as in right now, what would people say about me? And let me write that again: What would they say about me? Just me --- not as a colleague, not as someone who does what she does, not as a family member, not as a friend, not as a lover. Just me. Because I know I wouldn’t know what to say. Can’t say I’m a good person - I burn as many bridges as I make, I make choices I thought were the right ones to make only to find later on that they would all come and bite me in the ass, I curse a lot, I think too much of what people would say when it doesn’t matter, I think too little of what people would feel when it matters (and it always does), and I know that’s what they say will happen when you become an adult or at least when you get inducted into adulthood, but most of the time, I don’t feel like an adult and I don’t feel like I’m ready for adulthood. Honestly, I felt more of an adult when I was eight or nine than now that I am three years shy from being twice the legal age. There are days when I feel like I’m regressing, and there are days when I feel like I’m growing up on hyper speed. There was a time when I thought I knew everything and understood everything but as the years roll by I realize more and more how much I don’t know and just how much I don’t understand and how much more of the world and things and the people in it I will never understand. There are (a lot of) days when I question how I even got by, how and why I have the things and the people I have, how I managed to still exist and even exist comfortably. Am I just drifting and just lucky enough not to die in spite of the dumb decisions I make, like that stereotypical character in slasher flicks who’s hella annoying and does more harm than good and doesn’t help push the story forward but still manages to survive to the very last frame before the credits start to roll and is even in the top billing of the credits? How did I get here, really? Better question: why am I still here? Shouldn’t the good and better people be here instead, and shouldn’t they be alive instead of dead? Where is the logic in all of this? And if there is no logic, then there is no point to all of this and if there is no point to all of this, then why don’t we all just die altogether right at this instant and call it a day? And all this time, where was God in this entire illogical scenario?

This is where we circle back to what happened earlier this evening: one of her brothers told the story of when he challenged her to prove that God exists, one that he remembered when he was questioning God why his baby sister had to die. What she told him doesn’t make sense but makes the most sense at the same time: If you look for evidence that God doesn’t exist, you will find it. But, if you look for evidence that God does exist, you will find it too. It’s all a matter of which of the two gives you hope.

The logic may not exist and the parallelism may be flawed, but I’ll choose hope any time. I don’t need to be a child nor an adult to make that choice; I just need to be me - this girl who’s always taking one step forward but always finds herself two steps back but is always trying, trying really hard.

Rest well, Gia. You’re home now, and you’re more alive now than you ever were.

[porcupinestrongwill]

Interview with ‘Mula Sa Buwan’ Composer, William Elvin Manzano

Last March I got the chance to see one of the shows for the rerun of Mula sa Buwan: A New Musical about Love and Defiance. I’d been wanting to see a musical for so long (last one I saw was Matilda, which I believe was two years ago?) and the show satisfied my live musical cravings so much that I obsessed over it for some days and tracked down the creators and the full cast on the internet. (I’m freaky the like that, yes.)

During my said online journey, I [virtually] met the composer behind the beloved tunes like “Ang Sabi Nila,” Sir William Elvin Manzano. Ya’ll know na makapal mukha ko online, so I promptly asked him if I can interview him for my blog. He said, sure!

Can you tell me a bit about your background in music?

I first became interested in the art of songwriting when I was a very young boy. My mother used to write some songs for Viva records in the early 90s, and I became fascinated with it ever since. I play and write my songs with a guitar, and I'm planning to write with the keyboard soon. I think I wrote my first proper song when I was 12 years old. I studied music for 3 years in the UST Conservatory of Music but didn't finish the course, then I went to UP Diliman to study Theatre Arts. So I have an understanding of music theory, however I don't think about it that much when writing the songs. 

 How did “Mula sa Buwan” come about?

“Mula Sa Buwan" really is a product of my friendship with Pat Valera. We were batchmates in the Theatre Arts program of UP Diliman, and he was writing the first version of it (then-called "Cyrano: Isang Sarswela") for his thesis. He's familiar with my indie music work, so he approached me to write the songs for it. I was excited to really do it, because both of us actually are not fans of traditional stage musicals, so we were not bound by conventions and were willing to break known formula. Of course, knowing that, we really didn't know how it will be received by the theater goers.

 What was your procedure in writing the music for MSB?

When Pat told me about it, I read the original Cyrano de Bergerac to make myself familiar with the material. I instantly fell in love with it, so it wasn't hard at all to be on the same page with Pat in terms of vision. He gave me his script, with notes on where the songs go. We agreed on the content before I started writing lyrics out of his original drafts, and meet once again to zero in on lyrical details. "Ang Sabi Nila" was written in 2003, when I was 17 years old. I kept the song and did not perform or record it until I worked on a demo to submit to a songwriting contest. It was rejected, but Pat heard the demo and convinced me to let him use the song for the musical. The lead-in to the last number, the lullaby tribute after Cyrano's death, is also an old song of mine, written in 2002. We just found it interesting to include it as an emotional bookend for the scene. 

Did you do some kind of research on the musical styles of Filipinos during the setting of the play? What inspired the kundimans?

I was always a fan of the kundiman, so it's only natural to put elements of it in the musical because it felt so natural for the material. But we didn't want it to be time-specific. In fact we agreed for it to be anachronistic.

What is your most favorite track from MSB? The most memorable?

"Awit ng mga Naiwan" is my personal favorite lyrically and musically. Though I understand that it's not a crowd favorite, and is not included in the CD they recorded. Most memorable track would be "Ikaw", as it was the first song I wrote for the musical. I wrote it 30 minutes before going to Pat's house, the exact day he was expecting me to deliver one song.

How did you feel when you heard the demoes for the songs? Specifically Nicco Manalo’s and KL Dizon’s?

I wrote the songs for Nicco, and I worked on the songs specifically for his voice when we did the original run of MSB in 2010. I remember being ecstatic everytime I was teaching him new songs. He delivered the songs exactly like how I heard them in my head.As for KL, we knew each other since 2003, and I have worked with her in 2014 for the recording of Maxie The Musical's album. So I always knew how talented she is.The short answer is: I haven't heard demos from them. I just trusted that they will be doing great. The first time I heard KL sing the MSB songs, they were already sending me clips from rehearsals. And Nicco, he will always be great. He will never give a bad performance. 

What was working with your arrangers like?

TJ And Dana were submitting their work to me as it was being made, but after quite some time I was already so impressed and secure with their work that I just gave them full creative freedom. I just gave them notes on my intentions, and just let them do their work. In collaborations like these, it's so important to have respect and trust to the people you're working with. I couldn't ask for better arrangers and collaborators for my material than TJ Ramos and Dana Marquez. 

 Where do you do most of your writing? What time of the day? Any writing habits?

When I was in the Philippines, I had a habit of isolating myself and cutting off contact with everyone when I am working on something. I used to book myself in a motel room alone with only packs of cigarettes and my guitar as companion, with my phone turned off. Of course, I can't do it that way anymore because I have responsibilities to my wife and family here in Hong Kong. But I find myself really creatively stimulated late at night. 

 Would you like to work on something like MSB again?

Yes. In fact we're already discussing what to do next. 

Can we have a hint as to what it’s gonna be?

Pat has an idea of another adaptation, but no concrete plans have been made yet. As for me, I'm working on a number of projects now. One is a musical for a playwright friend in Canada, the other is a set of original instrumentals for a straight play to be staged later in the year. I'm also working on a script for a film.

 Can you tell us a bit about your personal project, “William Elvin and the Circus Tour”?

I'm currently recording an album with Filipino musicians here in Hong Kong. We will release the album on November this year, and I will hold some shows in Manila too. I hope to see you and other fans of Mula sa Buwan in my show on July, because I'll be performing songs from it with MSB cast members!

 ***

Connect with William Elvin by visiting his website: www.williamelvinmusic.com. Links to his other social sites like Facebook and Instagram are there! Also, details on his upcoming events will be posted there, so don’t forget to subscribe to his mailing list.

[shamimamuti]

Growing untastefully

I was shocked when suddenly I saw the Timeline feeds that my batchmate posted on facebook. I was totally shocked after seeing how they celebrate being 30 that I suddenly tried to check how old I am now. I was surprised that I will be 29 this April.

After attending a party. Still geeting awkward bonding with those young mommy or my tita's and older cousins. They say I should be separated with that group because I am already pregnant and soon to be a mom like them. But I really feel un-comfortable being with them. I still feel strange and bothered most of the time.

Every move I make. I still feel like they still think of me as a person who is ignorant in life and immature one. A lot of them congratulate me for being a preggy but I still did not feel that that they considered me as to the same level as them which are adult thinker and a young busy mommies. Even carrying or touching their baby avoids me because they don't trust me enough compared to my other single cousins who loves taking care of those cuties. It's because they've all been brainwashed by my mom.

I do not know where I go wrong? Is it my fault or my mother. I was raised being spoiled by my mom that she even prevent me from doing house hold chores but aside from that, she keeps on gossiping and discrediting me from my cousins ​​or young auntie like "yah know my daughter shamima, she knows nothing in life and even attempt to disobey several times like didn’t respect me even I wash her clothes and clean her rooms etc.".

Like mom trying to prove them that I will die if she's not around because I am so much dependent on her which I proved her wrong. Because starting when I got married. They have left me alone with my husband Mwie after 2 months vacation and everything turns out well that I didn't had a hard time being independent without her. Only the cooking session because she didn’t even shared her recipe to me that I keep stealing recipe from the internet. I was angry with my mom that I could not erase the thought about how my cousins and aunt see me the same as how my mom discredited me and stabbing me repeatedly on my back that people around me thinks I am a very useless woman. It's hard to stabilized the reputation you have earned but totally ruined by your own parents shits.

As I grew older, I lost trust in myself and even lost my self esteem. Luckily I married Mwie who keeps encouraging me and motivating me, telling me "You can do it! Prove to them they are wrong". so it helps, I impressed him with my ability and prove my self a lot. Unlike my mother who doesn't trust and ruin my reputation to other people being weak and stubborn child. I can not deny to myself that I am very angry with my mother for what she did to me because she herself had brainwash all those young mommy relatives and older cousin with babies about how they see me good to a bad useless immature person.

I still feel better being with my teenager relatives and single or unmarried one. I more enjoy their bonds. 

Being with them, I feel self-respected without pokerfaces surround me. as well as my cousins ​​who knows me entirely and believe in my capacity that laugh on how my mom wants to discreditably describe me. There are things that are painful to accept but must be accepted.I am being the asshole in the eye of the people that hurts me. :’(

being with those relatives young mom and aunts with little babies. I also fear being with them because of plastic attitude and infinite bragger or no humbleness types of talks. I'd rather be with those singles and teenagers who I can brutally be honest with and do fun and joke and make fun and play sometimes. I just feel happy being with them forever comfortable like we have the same age and minds. Apart from the other side.  There are just people who really have two faces. Like they are annoyed with you secretly  because they love and believe what mom said to them even it's a pure lie from the saliva and the tongue of a mother to a child reputation. such painful stupid act of a human being.

So maybe someday, I can change that if my baby was raised in this world. I can not let mom to conflict my baby to be spoiled and be slandered in the ears of the other people just because they don't know how to do household cores and childish. Childish means being happy by the way and I can not see anything bad about that. Unless you are not hurting anyone. then enjoy life to the fullest. I will really not allow myself to be like my mother on how they raise a child that when it comes to morality and physical, they are perfect with it which is good one but when it comes to mental and emotional, surely a big FAIL in them.

Now that we got older(referring my siblings and I). actually, you can see the result of their big fail as married couple raising a child to nurture us when it comes to mentality and emotional. because they do not determine what is in their child's feelings. Therefore, even were filthy rich family and we seem to be okay in the eyes of other people. deep inside that family tree, had endless argument and a lot of dissension and strife. Just feel pity really. Maybe this is just a Lesson in life I came through. I love my mom so much, but there are limits that I can prove that she is not 100% perfect mother like what she brags on my young auntie and young cousin who are already a mommy. because we have to respect her right if she truly became a perfect mother to us. But that doesn’t happened because she is not perfect. she is kind of a selfish one and who cares for herself just to look good on the peoples eye. On how she gossip one sided story means being her as perfect tanging ina mother while we as her daughter and son a villain to her making her a slave is just a like a comedy show as we get older, we realize it as a big comedy show. You know, We are also humans who've been hurt and ashamed with her false rumor she is spreading and I hope she realize that someday and accept her faults. Because like me, I still have that bad reputation rumor coming from her that people wouldn't trust me to be a perfect mother but a immature mommy in future because of how he ruined me in the eyes of the other while her is perfect -_-

[rogueclonesftw]

Clone Appreciation Week Day 2: Brotherhood/Relationships

Black Company Pre-Defection

Their siblings are the most important thing to them. Of course they disagree sometimes, what siblings don’t? But at the end of the day they’re family and that’s the most important thing.

Everyone has siblings that they’re closer to (usually their batchmates, the ones they grew up with) but that doesn’t mean they don’t love all their other siblings too.

It’s worse for Halcyon. Not only is he older and over-protective to begin with, as Captain he’s responsible for them all.

They don’t really interact with many non-clones. Mostly just civilians on planets they’re fighting on, who vary, ship’s crew, who all seem to have some kind of superiority complex, and Jedi, who are... an experience.

There’s no shortage of petty squabbles, but it’s the usual shit. “I killed more droids than you!” “I can shoot better than you!” “I can run faster!” If it comes down to it, everyone knows they’ll back each other up regardless.

The entirety of Black Company cares very deeply for their Commander. Kell cares and they can all see it. He tries so hard to keep them as safe as he can, to mitigate the worst of the General’s bad ideas, to take the blame if things don’t go to plan. They’d walk backwards through hell for him if he even thought about asking. The fact he never would makes them love him all the more.

They wish he’d learn to take care of himself though.

General Rikkers can take a long walk off a short pier.

Their opinions on civilians tend to depend on said civilians’ opinions of them. 

Bones has absolutely gotten in trouble for yelling at civilians to get out of his way during medical emergencies.

Post-Defection

Family is still the most important thing. It’s just bigger now.

There are a few more non-clones around. Eight in the crew. Pash is an annoying fuck and Jaina’s terrifying but the rest are alright. They’re all family.

In the verses with Cain’s ocs everyone loves the tiny cheerful Twi’lek. Everyone. You don’t understand they’re so great.

They also have a deep and unabiding respect for Kashk. She’s a 6′8″ Sith Pureblood who could rip every single one of them in half and they love her.

There are more squabbles now, but that’s to be expected in a mixed group. TJ in particular is really good at pissing people off, but that’s mostly deliberately.

The Commander (though technically he’s not one anymore) left everything he ever knew and frequently risks his life to save theirs. He’s theirs now, sorry, they don’t make the rules.

The General-That-Never-Was, Mira, is The Best Person and they will fight anyone who says otherwise. Every single clone on the New Dawn will throw down if anyone says anything bad about Mira. That includes Mira.

The civilians they deal with in their new line of work (destroying slavers) are a lot more thankful than the stuck-up Coruscanti fuckers they dealt with previously, which is nice. They’re also a lot more terrified, which is horrifying, but understandable. They try to set them at ease.

Everyone loves kids. Kids are adorable. Kids haven’t learned to be assholes yet.