#and she coud beat my ass if she wanted

[i-ashhart]

Keren has somehow leveled up her kerenesss, she is no longer demanding to speak to the manager she is the manager

[kaz11283]

The Shape of You

Summary: While at one of Tonys top end parties the god of mischief asks you to dance to your suprise. You didn't think he was the type to dance muchless to the song that he decided to ask you to dsnce to.

Characters: Loki, Thor, Tony, Natalie, Wanda, Clint, Steve

Pairings: you x Loki, you x Thor (platonic), you x Tony (Brother, sister)

ANNOUNCMENTS: I got this idea while listening to "Shape of You", then I really started getting into the story everytime that I listened to it (which was a lot). Ive had this on my head for a while now but i had to finish up I think I'm in love and part 2. I also got 200 followers today, next is 300, lets get this! BTW I know that this is a GIF from High Rise but it gives you a PRETTY good iead whats going on. 💚💚💚

Loki Masterlist

"Why do you insist on bringing me to the boring ass parties Nat?" You asked trying to pull the hem of the dress down that she had picked oit for you. It wad a dark blue thigh length dress with a very low v neck, the shoes where a high heel ankle strap black shoe with small bows on the side the same color as the dress.

"Stop. Stop pulling, your not gonna make it any longer by doing that." She said swatting your hands away. "I bring you to these 'boring ass parties' because you spend to much time in the library doimg research, in your room working, or sitting in the lab trying to make something better. Point is, you are always working."

"I dont hear you complaining when something of yours gets improved, or an upgrade. Nat I love you but I am a weponds expert. I work better in the quite, thats my zone. Not here."

"Is that why you enjoy spending time with Loki? Because I have to tell you y/n hes not really the quite type." She rasied an eyebrow to look st you.

"Hes not the quite type around all of you because you all make snide remarks. Hes usually quite around me because I dont pick on him or call him names." You turned and looked straight at her.

"All of the other reindeer, use to laugh and call him names." Tony sang walking up to the two of you with a drink. "Couldnt be talking about reindeer game could you?"

"Thank you Tony, and we were just finishing talking and Loki." You answered walking off to sit at the bar where Steve and Thor was sitting.

"Your brother throws one heck of a party." Steve saod tilting his beer to his mouth. "Defiantly better than some of the parties I've been to."

"It is a good party but nothing like the ones on Asguard." Thor boomed with laughter. "You must come some time, we would have a grand celebration in your honor."

"Hes always been a little over the top, if you cant tell. Always had an eye for big, expensive things. Flamboyant parties, playboy style women, expensive cars. Whatever he wants he gets, now dont get me wrong he does work his ass off, but sometimes it would be nice to just have a weekend were the walls didnt shake while I am trying to work on something."

"Ah but little sister, all work and no play makes y/n a dull boy." Tony answered lightly slapping your back.

"Jesus Christ Tone, stop quoting movies, it gets rather annoying."

"Another round, bartender, for little sister." Tony said ruffling your hair.

"You realize I cant stand you right?" You shot him a sideways look.

"Thats why I dont let you work on my toys." He answered giving you a kiss on the top of the head before walking off.

"Thor?" You turned to the god of thunder.

"Yes Lady y/n?" He turned to were he was facing you, his legs on either side of your thighs.

"Do you know of your brother is going to show up?" He laughed turning back to the bar. "Dont get me wrong I absolutly love your company but...."

"You would rather have the company of a more slender, raven haired man tonight." He raised a brow while taking a drink of his beer.

"Well, yes. He is quite interesting to say the least." You laugh.

"Well lady y/n, he said he would be down shortly. He did say he was going to make an apperance though."

"Thank you." You stood, leaning down to kiss his cheek before walking off to find someone else interesting to talk to.

"Hey y/n! Over here!" Clint shouted waving you over to were he, Nat, and Wanda were sitting.

You sat talking to them for a little bit about what new stuff you had added to their weapons and gear, Clint was excited about trying out some of the new arrows that you had developed. You kept gnacing around the room hoping to catch a glips of Loki when he decided to come down.

While you and Wanda was in the middle of a conversation you felt a tap on your shoulder. Turning slightly you seen Loki stamding there was a know it all smirk on his face, he was wearing a completly black suit with his hair slicked back, you coud have swore that your heart stopped.

"Hello Darling, I heard you had been asking about me?" He offered you his hand to help you stand.

You laughed tucking your chin down slightly, you could feel your cheeks heat up. "I am going to kill your brother." He lead you back to the bar and getting you a drink handing it to you.

"You look quite ravishing tonight." He leaned in whispering in your ear. "Dont start being bashful tonight, after what happened last night." He had caught you off guard causing you to spit your drink back in your glass.

"Loki," you hissed smacking him on his shoulder. "We dont need Tony going all Iron Man on you tonight."

"Dance with me." He took your glass sitting it back on the bar and grabbed your hand.

"Oh no no no no. I dont dance." You tried stopping but he pulled you to the edge of the damce floor.

"Then dont dance, let the music guide you, or just follow my lead." He grabbed your waist pulling you closer to him, the song was an up beat song and he started moving. "Midguardian dances are so simple, it would be a type of tango I am assuming." He took you hand and wrapped it around the back of his head before placing his hand on your lower back pulling you even closer.

"This is crazy." You laughed after a few practice steps. It was simple yet intimate at the same time, you had a feeling you knew where this was heading.

"But simple, you are better than what you give your self credit for." He spund you around a few times as the tempo changed, when he spun you back to him his chest ws aginst your back as his hamd splayed across your abdomen.

He traced his nose up the side of your neck as you both moved causing you to give a small moan. "My bed sheets still smell like you." He whispered.

"Loki, can I let you in on a secret." You turned back in his arms to face him.

"Of course my dear." His fingers stroked your back.

"I think I'm in love with you." You wrapped your hand around his head so that you could pull his ear down to your level. You heard him take a breath and the dancing faltered slightly but he kept moving.

"It feels as though I might be returning those feelings y/n." You smiled up at him he turned you in a few more circles causing you to be facing away from him again. His hips following yours in a delicious manner causing your thoughts to go back to the night before. His trailing kisses down your neck to your collar bones, fingers caressing up your sides pulling your shirt over your head. You returning the favor and being speechless at finally seeing him with out his shirt on. He had a more slender figure but his muscles were still there. Remembering the feeling of his chest clenching as you ran your fingers up and around his neck to pull him closer for the earth shattering kiss that had lead to so much more.

"You reliving some of last nights activities, y/n?" He asked quietly.

"Yes but sadly I am having trouble remembering some parts. You might have to remind me." The song ended as you pulled him off the dance floor and through the doors leading to the hallway.

~~~~~

Tag List:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

@rosaline-black

@serpentargo

@drbaureid

ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Wow wow wow, ok so some slightly adult situations but oh dear lord, my face is a little red just from writting that. I've read worst but never wrote. What I would give to be twirled around the dance floor like that by him. Thank you guys for reading! I really hope you enjoy this one. Like I saod I have been thinking about this for about a week now and here it is. I habe to say this is like top 3 of my faves (my first was and still is my fave "Bath Time For a Prince") Thank you again for all the love and the support!!!!

[tumblunni]

Random more ideas for my Pokemon Cosmos fangame that will probably never happen because I am awful at creating things, but its fun to imagine as a distant dream to cheer me up on sad days~! And cos I talked with @summon-daze and she gave me really great suggestions! (if I missed anything you said yesterday, message me and I’ll add it here! I want everyone to hear your Fab Thoughts!)

* Maractus: sinnoh form! Its just a poor pokemon that deserved better. Giving it some sort of visual and mechanical revamp would help it step out from under cacturne’s shadow. My idea was maybe a different type of cactus, or a related plant. Like perhaps an aloe vera form that has healing moves!

* Pokemon contests replaced with EVIL MINIGAMES Like, how the Pokeathelon stats were all coloured the same as contest stats and stuff. Do a thing like that but more streamlined! Just have this one set of out-of-battle stats and use them for multiple different minigames! And since the protagonist is an evil team grunt, you coud have stuff like stealth, lockpicking, hacking, etc! Use a koffing as a smokescreen to swipe some cash!

* A possible other idea, or possibly both? Maybe THE PLAYER could have contest stats instead! Like the social stats in persona games, but for fun they could be the same interface as pokemon contests. Daze gave me some really cool suggestions like how ‘cuteness’ could mean how good you are at hiding your true intentions when the police interrogate you. I was thinking coolness could equal charisma/good at talking/whatever, so cuteness could be ‘innocence’. And like, if you just have it on its own then it might mean you actually are more of a good guy villain. But if you max out both cuteness and toughness then you become a super scary evil boss who can intimidate their minions but also manipulate people with false goodness.

* Following pokemon, but more! The cute idea of seeing other trainers having following pokemon in cutscnes sometimes, and stuff. I always really love seeing pokemon just living life around the world map, it always adds so much more worldbuilding! I loved the ride pokemon and the machamp delivery service and the various farming ranch places in different games. But what if you could just see more random lil animations of mons hanging out as npcs? Have some wild murkrow fluttering around on alleyway rooftops when it becomes nighttime. Have your rival character appear training their pokemon randomly on routes sometimes, like an actual overworld animation of it, not just battling them. Bits of supplementary visual storytelling! And I figured maybe the evil admins could have their own unique rooms, like in ORAS. But cos you’re playing as one of the team, you get to actually see them hanging around the room and stuff. See them playing with their mons while off duty! Who would have a pet bed? Who would just let their giant skuntank sleep on the foot of their own bed? Who would buy a bazillion squeaky toys? Who would spend all their time grooming thier mons for a secret Contest career on weekends? So many potential ideas! Hell, maybe just have some random events like sometimes if you open a certain cupboard a pokemon will jump out before you actually get to look in it. Tiny ghost friend is sleepe on de paperwork~ Oh, and it could be cool if following pokemon still happened even when you have a double battle partner! You get to see their pokemon too, followinmg after yours! Oh, and maybe depending on what pokemon you have, there’s a small chance of some secret animations? i was thinking maybe Cheryl’s chansey would carry small pokemon on her head.

* OH AND YEAH. Bigger role for the stat trainers! I was so happy Daze helped me figure this out, cos this totally solves so many problems I had with the early game plot and tutorial gameplay and stuff. The ‘stat trainer’ group that were sidequests in original sinnoh and partners in the battle frontier- here they could be like the supporting social links! A problem I had was that of course you cant just immediately be best friends with all the evil admins as soon as you join the team. So I was thinking I’d have to make up a bunch of new characters to carry the plot early on, but repurposing the stat trainers for this purpose would be awesome! They could be your set of ordinary friends you have while off-duty, and doing their friend routes helps train your social stats that you need to use to unlock the admin friend routes. So theyd actually literally be stat trainers!

* I’m not sure which social stats I should give to each of them though? I’m wondering at the moment about whether cheryl or mira should be ‘cuteness’. I mean, they’re both cute but who has it as more of a defining character trait? Honestly you could say either of them could work as toughness too, since cheryl is braving a haunted forest alone and mira is kicking ass in a big scary optional doom dungeon even though she’s like six years old! I can imagine mira’s route could more easily train toughness in the PLAYER though. Like, you’re inspired by seeing her being so brave and mature for her age, and you wanna try and look like a tough responsible older sibling figure to her. And hmm, cheryl’s personality was the most vague of them all, she could probably also symbolise beauty/elegance/composure if you wanna interpret it that way. Or she could be smartness, cos I dunno maybe if we looked for a reason why she was in that haunted dungeon in the first place, maybe she could be like a detective? That would be really neat if she still kept her personality and all, a very shy and humble detective that’s like ‘oh i’m not so great’ *is being great right now* Or maybe she’s not really a detective by career, but she could be like a paranormal investigator fan, or maybe she has a secret backstory that led to some reason she needs to find something in that forest, or maybe she’s not local to sinnoh and thats why she got lost, or maybe she was kidnapped by a villain and escaped but was stuck in the forest, or... well, cheryl’s vagueness has a lot of potential! Oh and Riley could also work as either smartness or beauty or coolness or... man all these undeveloped charries are just REALLY POTENTIAL in all five fundemental awesomenesses! It could work any way!

* Maybe they could have more inter-relating plots with gym leaders and other big plot figures? like how Buck is Flint’s brother. And there’s a small mention of Marley knowing Oak from kanto. I was thinking maybe cheryl and gardenia might know each other? or maybe cheryl could be related to a different grass type gym leader from another region. She just REALLY looks like she should be a grass type, but she’s all about the chanseys instead, lol! maybe she’s the black sheep of an all grass types family, and journeyed to sinnoh to start her own journey instead. So she could be like a sweet shy spoiled posh girl who maybe doesnt know entirely what she’s doing, and got wrapped up in [some sort of excuse for the forest sidequest] cos she was a little naive. But then when you team up with her you find out she’s actuallly a total badass stone wall strategist, and her relative inexperience at social situations doesnt mean she’s not a battle expert! And then maybe you could keep in touch with her while she lives at a hotel in one of the cities, and her continuing sidequests could involve you giving her tours of sinnoh and helping her send postcards back to her family. And.. like.. trying to hide the fact that she keeps getting into super dangerous situations, lol. Dear mom and dad I am completely fine and didnt beat up a bunch of villains with my bare knuckles this morning, here is my friend who absolutely didnt rescue me from forest ghosts. Oh, and maybe she could become friends with Fantina, because they could both relate to being from different regions. And fantina is just a very nice jolly person who probably does a bunch of community outreach programs in her neighbourhood and picks up litter in the hammiest way possible. i just imagine she tries to act like a mentor to anyone who even crosses her line of sight! lol, maybe her and crasher wake could even be rivals because of it? i imagine her teasing wake for getting a new student while wake is all like ‘gahhh please take this barry away, i keep telling him no’

* oh, and barry would be the unofficial sixth stat trainer. He’d still have a role in the plot as a friendly rival even though this is a perspective flip AU. I was thinking he doesnt know you’re actually one of the bad guys, so you end up being friends, and then when he finds out he tries to oppose team galactic in much the same way but now with an added plot of him believing there’s some good in you and trying to convince you to switch sides.

[wolfsoulfulme]

Deathwatch “Run Like hell”

So the story is once again with yours truly Daven, 3 space ferries (Long Fang, Skyclaw, Iron Priest) who all of course gave me the most pissed looks after seeing my frost sword and wolf pelt, oh and a storm lord (Don’t see many of them anymore for some reason)

our objective is to scout a jungle world that the Ordo Xenos believes may be infested with Nids. Also elder have been sighted so we know this might get weird real fast. Deciding the best course of action on arrival is a swift decent in a drop pod towards the latest outpost that transmitted a distress. We land right on the outskirts and… Oh… OH FUCKTHEEMPERORSHOLYDICK. Standing in front of us is a tyrannic horde of epic proportion a hive tyrant at there lead all staring at us with a grim intelligence…….

…”Uh this is squad Daven… Xenon presence confirmed level primaries…. preceding to extraction.”..

We all take one step, then another, and book it. Instantly the Long Fang drops his multi melta. Everyone sheds any excess gear they have and we sprint like Horus himself was behind us with a power dildo. 

Behind us the nids got into gear with a giant ass roar they send off a portion of the horde to chase us down. Shits exploding and bugs are being shot all around us. 

We’re jumping, dodging, chucking nades and blind firing behind us. We jump off a 30 foot cliff all sticking the landing and rolls. 

Then the GM decides the elder come into play. In front of us is a very small elder host of two squad of dire avengers, some banshees, scorpions, and 4 dark reapers led by a far seer. They were readying weapons as we approached. They were not anywhere near big enough to take that horde. They had information.. and that far seer looked real nice in that bone armor. 

Communicating quickly via vox we come up with an extraction plan. We all look at the elder who are about to fire and at top volume levels our helms can produce.

“RUN LIKE HELL!!!!” 

Suffice to say the elder were shocked as we just started running through there lines, their shock turned to fear as a tide of living bugs swarmed behind us. They quickly got the idea however to make sure the VIP survived I ran up as she brought up her singing spear and picked her up. Throwing her on my shoulder I feel lighting shoot through the air behind me. The same lightning she was about to use on me. We keep sprinting some elder following us each of us with a pair of them on our shoulders. 

“Ears!” We yell as we aim our boaters over our shoulders and blind fire into the mass doing very little. 

Deciding the lesser of two evils as I run past a Dark Reaper I slam my bolter to it’s mag lock and rip his shrunken cannon from his grip. Balancing it on the farseers back (I’d like to think the barrel was between those bony cheeks) I fired that amazing gun into the nids doing a lot more than I knew. However our luck was at an end. Up ahead there was a dead drop we know on the map that dropped down nearly a 150ft into a shallow lake. Chances of us living even in armor were slim however chances of fighting all the nids was zip. 

“Don’t you dare!” The far seer yelled.

“I’m Doin it!”

“DON”T YOU DARE!!” she screamed as we got closer. 

I coud see a few of the dire avengers and banshees turning to face the horde. The rest seemed to understand and with the combined screams of all those more sentient than a cockroach we jump and plummet into the water.

An hour later a majority of the party crawls out of a slow flowing river. Out of the original 30 elder there are now only 13. A few Dire avengers, all the scorpions, 3 dark reapers, and 2 banshees. Oh and the Far Seer who was trying to beat me to death with a different branch after each one would break upon my helm. All besides her were laughing there asses off at having survived that. Even our fucking Iron Priest who was normally dour as fuck Hell even the Eldar that basically got kidnapped by dirty humans found themselves laughing.

The rest of the campaign went by pretty fast with our party quipping at each other as we travelled the jungle slowly heading to our respective Extraction. The elder even got fairly mad at one point over the loss of soul stones which the only four of them drew there weapons at which point the Far Seer was like “Really guys?” to them and calmed them down. We reach the point of separation (we opted not to tell the Ordo about the Eldar.) We separate with a few funny jokes between us enjoying the unusual peace. The Far Seer takes me aside and berates me for abducting her. I know she can sense me grinning under my armor at this point (My how un Dark Angel of me.) and then she yells at me for the loss of souls but thanks me for those I save. 

I nod. Tussle her hair at which she blushes at the brutish contact and then drop her a jingling bag into her hands. I walk away before she says anything however inside are a majority of the soul stones lost on the journey. As a tertiary objective I always make my squad mates gather any elder soul stones when possible. The Reason is that we don’t want to feed chaos but really I mean. No one deserves what happens to lost elder souls. 

We extract and finish one of the fastest missions ever with little a scratch on our armor. Objective complete. 

*Sighs* 

Sadly however Daven will never see that Far Seer again. Elder ass jokes she was a great character very flushed out. She and here host were however. Biel-Tan. Now Lost in the Gathering storm her soul now is with the god of Death. May he keep her safe.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that.