#and sent like five different scary business emails | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

brittle-bone-gabe · 5 years ago

Text

An Introduction: Chapter One - Eddie Kaspbrak

Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven

Summary: Introducing each of the Loser aspiring heroes.

Read on Ao3: Here

Quirks were a scary concept for Eddie Kaspbrak, they were painful, made him sick… sick… sick and more sick. In fact, quirks stemmed from an illness, or at least that’s what his mother told him. Apparently as a child the first sign of Eddie’s “illness” was how high his temperature had gotten; first it was 104 degrees, a cause for concern obviously, so the five-year-old was taken into the hospital. The whole trip there Eddie kept claiming he was fine, the only complaint was from his mother since apparently Eddie couldn’t even feel how hot his forehead was. No signs of the flu or cold, ER doctors assumed it was another type of virus that was attacking his immune system, but after putting him through many unnecessary tests that both terrified him and made him exhausted.

Waiting for the remainder of the tests to come back was taking an extremely long time, but it would be worth it if it figured out what was going on, right? Well, Sonia Kaspbrak would soon be disappointed when the ER doctor came back to announce that all the tests came back that Eddie was as healthy as a child could be; minus the growing fever which had jumped up to almost 200 degrees. The doctors and nurses thought that maybe the thermometer was malfunctioning, but after trying four different thermometers and each of them giving the same answer they had to rule that out. Again, Eddie didn’t understand what they were talking about, he felt just fine.

The only thing that could give them a step in the right direction was when Eddie had let out a sneeze, smoke coming out of his nose. That’s when things were starting to click for one of the ER doctors, ordering the nurse to get a quick x-ray of Eddie’s toes. It was an odd test and Sonia had no idea why that would be necessary, but if they could figure it out that way then by all means. The nurses couldn’t even touch Eddie since whenever they did it was as though they were touching a hot pan, all they could do was talk to Eddie and instruct him how to lay and move his foot during the x-ray.

That’s when the ER doctor finally had his answer. After seeing the x-ray emailed back to the doctor, he made sure to gather the physical copies so he could show the Kaspbrak’s what exactly was going on with young Eddie. Once the doctor put the x-ray film up on the light box that was hanging in the ER room, Eddie was highly interested in what he was seeing, as he couldn’t believe they ‘got a picture of his bones!’ Sonia had slapped his arm, regretting it immediately as it had burned her, but told her son to shush so she could hear what the doctor had to say.

“If you notice here, Ms. Kaspbrak,” the doctor had begun to explain, circling the area of Eddie’s pinkie toe with the back of his pen, “he’s missing a joint in this toe.”

“Okay? What does that have to do with anything?” Sonia snapped at him, glancing over at her son who was playing happily with the toy airplane he had brought along with him.

“What that means is that this is highly likely this is just a quirk he’s finally manifested.”

“A quirk?!” Sonia more or less screeched, looking disgusted at just the thought that her son had a quirk. “That’s impossible! He can’t have a quirk! I don’t have a quirk. His father didn’t have a quirk, how did this happen?!”

The doctor shrugged, surprised at how Sonia was reacting to all of this. ‘I’m not sure. There’s really no connection between-”

“This is not a quirk!”

The doctor let out a sigh, reaching behind him to grab the cold cup of water he had brought in with him. “Ms. Kaspbrak, it’s really not a big deal that he has a quirk. In fact, 80% of the world population has a-”

“No! He is sick!”

The doctor was no longer interested in trying to convince her that what Eddie was experiencing was just a normal thing to most people. Now he had to figure out how to cool him down so he could send him home and get her the hell out of his ER so she’d stop ordering people around and telling them what Eddie needs when really he was just minding his own business being a kid and had no idea what his mom was doing.

“Hey, Eddie,” the doctor started, scooting the chair closer over to the bed the five-year-old was still laying in, “can you put your hand in here?” He asked, holding the cold water out to him.

“Um…” Eddie looked over his shoulder to his mother, who rolled her eyes at the doctor’s request, but just nodded at her son to go ahead to do what he said. “Okay…” A little nervous since he knew that it was wrong, Eddie still dunked his hand into the cup. Steam came from his skin, Eddie watched again in amazement. “Whoa!”

The doctor dried off Eddie’s hand before touching it, it went from burning hot to normal temperature.

After confirming that Eddie’s temperature did, in fact, go back down to 98 degrees the Kaspbrak’s were free to leave the ER. Needless to say Sonia was not happy at all with the result… A quirk… How absurd, she had purposely married someone who was also quirkless to make sure this would never happen…

“Isn’t it cool, mommy?” Eddie had asked from the backseat of his mother's car. “I hava quirk!”

Sonia gripped the steering wheel so tight that her knuckles turned white, grumbling something under her breath. No… No, it was not ‘cool’ that he had a quirk. It was… Sonia had a perfect idea. She pulled the car over on the road she was driving, turning around in her seat to face her son.

“Honey… you don’t understand.” Eddie looked at his mom with wide eyes, knowing that she was serious. “Having a quirk means you’re very sick.”

“Sick? But I feel fine.”

“I don’t have a quirk, honey, and I’m not sick.”

“Oh…”

“You can’t tell anyone about your sickness, Eddie Bear, okay? Promise mommy.”

“But…”

“You don’t want to upset mommy, do you?”

“No…”

-----

For almost ten years Eddie tried to keep his quirk under wraps, making sure he carried a water bottle around with him just in case his body temperature stayed in check. Not going to lie, Eddie did work with his quirk behind his mother's back after school, claiming that he was doing an afterschool program. His mother was happy that he was doing extracurricular activities and Eddie would work with his quirk, it was a win-win situation.

Turns out Eddie’s quirk was a sort of pyrokinesis, meaning he could create and control fire. There were a couple of times while focusing extremely hard where Eddie could actually start a fire with his mind, but usually only happened when he got extremely frustrated. So far he was only limited with breathing fire, which was cool, but Eddie wanted to do more with his quirk. The only downside to this was if Eddie pushed himself too much while breathing fire it would trigger an asthma attack, and having that in the field alone he found was quite scary and needed to keep his inhaler close.

About two weeks ago Eddie had sent in an application to a new hero school that had just recently opened up in America, a school that originated over in Japan, apparently one of the top hero schools in the country. U.A. High School was located over in New York, an entire seven hours away from Maine; Eddie wouldn’t mind having that distance between him and his mother. She was overbearing, always telling him that he was sick when really he knew that he wasn’t, she’s never really eased up on it, but Eddie now found a way to stand up for himself. Of course, when Eddie told his mother that he was thinking about filling out an application for U.A. High… saying she flipped out was an understatement… First, she tried convincing him that thousands of kids were going to apply for the school and his application was just going to get lost in with them all. When that didn’t work, she started getting mad, saying he was not going to send in his application and she was forbidding it; Eddie filled it out anyways. She has yet to find that out, yet she had to remind him of his “illness,” saying that he would be too sick to attend.

Bullshit. It was all bullshit. He was going to do his best to get into that school, and his mother was not going to stop him from this opportunity.

Eddie had to make sure he made it home from his field before his mother got back from her doctors appointment. He was expecting his letter from U.A. High any day now, and knowing his mother if she got to it before he did she would throw it away and never let him have it. He didn’t have high expectations about getting accepted, but he would be damned if his mother would cause him to miss his opportunity. She was right… thousands of kids were going to apply, it would be a miracle if he made it in. Well, at least he tried, right?

After checking the time on his phone, Eddie ran over to his bike that was sitting next to the dirt trail that led to his peaceful spot. He needed to get home ASAP, his mother’s appointment wouldn’t take too long and he had to check the mail.

He pedaled as fast as he could down the dirt trail, the mail should’ve been there by now. Eddie was so sure it would be here soon, it had to be, he managed to get to the mailbox every day for a week before his mother could, even if that meant he had to skip his “after school activities” just to do so. Nothing. Every single time. Nothing was there. He was starting to wonder if maybe it came a while ago and his mother took it and left the other letters in the mailbox for him to go through.

After he told a couple of people in his grade that he applied to they just kinda rolled their eyes as if they didn’t believe him, that, or they didn’t believe he would make it anyways. Everyone around him was doubting him so much that even Eddie was starting to doubt himself. Maybe applying for U.A. High was just a mistake, that could’ve been time and effort used for someone else, someone who was better than him. Not many people believed Eddie a useful quirk, hell, most kids thought he was quirkless just because he never demonstrated his while everyone else would take any chance they could to show off their quirk. Eddie was sure that if he used his quirk in school that the teachers would tell his mother immediately, and if she found out she would scold him, reminding him of his “sickness” and how all the other kids were also sick for having quirks. Eddie knew that wasn’t true, almost everyone had quirks, it was just a normal thing, why wasn’t he allowed to be normal?

Sweat was pouring off Eddie’s forehead, he could feel his body temperature rising to high levels, he had to stop to pull out his water bottle, pouring it over himself so he could be at normal temps again. Recently Eddie’s began to notice that his skin would start to turn pink if he overused his quirk, ultimately causing him to have an asthma attack. He wasn’t ready to tell his mother about that, even though she told him to tell her anything that changes, if he told her about how his quirk triggers asthma attacks there would be no way he’d be allowed to stay after school anymore. Fuck that, Eddie needed all the practice he could get, just in case. Even if he didn’t get accepted to U.A. High he would start applying for other hero schools in the area, but maybe a bit further away from home, as Eddie still wanted some distance between him and his mother. Understandable though, right?

Eddie stopped in front of the mailbox that sat in front of his house at the end of the driveway, he wasn’t sure if his mother was home or not, as she kept her car parked in the garage. He opened the mailbox to find it empty. Empty? That wasn’t right… It was almost four, the mail should’ve been here by now. Strange…

He dropped his bike in the front yard before going inside the house to make sure his mother didn’t drop the mail off in the kitchen before leaving to go to her appointment. That had to be it, right? Yeah, that’s what it was… Unfortunately, when Eddie walked in the front door his mother was sitting on her usual spot on the couch, the TV was off which was unusual. Eddie stood there, motionless with his backpack still over his shoulders. The air was tense between them and Eddie had no idea why, so he remained silent until she would say something.

“Eddie Bear,” his mother started sweetly, but her tone made Eddie cringe, knowing that he was in trouble for something.

“Y-yeah?” He stammered, looking at her, trying to keep his breathing steady.

“Why do you want to upset mommy?” Again, Eddie cringed. He wished she would stop calling herself that, he wasn’t a kid anymore, he was fifteen and didn’t like being treated like a child.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Even though Eddie didn’t do anything wrong he still felt guilty as if he did.

Next to Sonia’s spot on the couch she picked up an unopened envelope that was marked as a letter from U.A. High. Eddie’s eyes went wide, his letter was finally here, but fuck… He was hoping that he could have grabbed it before she did. Fuck fuck fuck. Eddie stepped forward so he could take the letter for her, but Sonia pulled the letter back towards her so he couldn’t grab it. Eddie swallowed hard before taking a step back as his mother stood up from the couch.

“Can I have my letter? Please?” Eddie asked her, hoping she would just skip past the dramatics and let him have what was his.

“Absolutely not!” She said loudly, her hands now on her hips as if Eddie actually did do something wrong. This wasn’t fair at all, he knew that what he did wasn’t wrong. “I told you not to apply for that school full of sick people! Do you want your sickness to get worse?!” She demanded.

“Mom-”

“Don’t you understand that if you go to this school you’ll be away from me? I’m sick too, Edward! Not like them, but I’m still sick! Are you going to leave your sick mother behind?!”

“Mom-”

“Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Or a stroke? I’ll have one or the other if you keep making me worry like this! What do I keep telling you, Eddie? Stress will kill your mother!”

“Mo-”

“What would your father think?!”

Frustrated, Eddie let out a deep, forcefully sigh, accidentally activating his quirk. Fire came out of his mouth, the rug under his feet caught a small fire. Sonia shreked in fear or either the fire or the fact her son used his quirk, Eddie couldn’t tell and didn’t really care at the moment. He stomped on the small fire so it wouldn’t spread. Once it was extinguished, Eddie let out a (normal) sigh of relief, looking back up at his mother whose eyes were wide, her hand on her chest.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie told his mother, taking a small step forward, but his mother took a step back to the point she almost fell back onto the couch. “Mom, I’m sorry.”

“Why would you use your sickness against me?!” She demanded, her face red from anger.

“I didn’t! It’s not a sickness, mom!” Eddie snapped back at her, leaving Sonia completely speechless as Eddie never talked back to her before. “I’m normal, okay?! I’m normal! Almost everybody has a quirk!”

While Sonia was looking for the words to say, Eddie took this opportunity to snatch the letter away from her. Talking back and snatching things away from her? Sonia had no idea where she went wrong. Normally her Eddie Bear was sooo well behaved and would never act like this. Eddie turned his back to her, walking into the kitchen as he ripped the envelope open, his heart slamming against his chest as he was getting ready to read what he had assumed was going to be his rejection letter.

Dear Edward Kaspbrak,

I am delighted to inform you that you have been admitted to U.A. High School! Please accept my personal congratulations for your outstanding application and written exam.

Nearly twenty thousand students have applied for the limited places for our Freshmen class. We were faced with many more talented and qualified candidates than we have room to host, the Admissions Committee has taken great care to choose individuals who present academic and personal strengths.

With the card enclosed, you will receive your exam number and test location to decide class placements. Your exam date is also located on this card. If you need help with transportation it will be arranged. In the meantime, if you have any questions please contact us.

Holy shit, he did it. He actually fucking did it. Tears were in Eddie’s eyes as he was feeling an overwhelming amount of happiness and excitement. Honestly, Eddie had prepared himself for a week to read a rejection letter that he didn’t prepare himself for an acceptance letter. He was so excited that he didn’t hear his mother enter the kitchen.

“Edward,” she said firmly, snapping Eddie out of his moment of happiness as he slowly turned around to face her, the smile gone from his face. “What does it say.” It wasn’t a question.

“I… got accepted,” he said weakly, as if he wasn’t just overly excited for the first time in his life like he was just mere seconds ago. He looked at his feet, he didn’t want to look her in the eyes.

It was silent for a moment, scaring Eddie, she never got like this and he wasn’t going to lie, it was pretty terrifying. Eddie had assumed that she was planning his murder and how to get away with it. Finally, she let out a deep, frustrated sigh. Sonia didn’t say a word, instead, she turned around and stomped up the stairs. Moments later Eddie could hear her slam the door to her bedroom shut, so much force was behind it that some of the items in the kitchen shook.

Well… it was safe to say she wasn’t excited for him.

2 notes · View notes

ishakzander · 5 years ago

Text

‹ RAMI MALEK, HE/HIM, CISMALE, ASEXUAL. › ISHAK ZANDER is the THIRTY-SEVEN year old THAT CAME TO beaver creek, colorado, hired to work as a PASTRY CHEF in the manor. when a friend asked them what they thought of the manor they said, ❝ TO THE DEVIL WITH FALSE MODESTY. ❞ they claim CARRIE is their favorite scary movie, and if they were to die in a horror film they would HAVE SENT A GOODBYE VOICEMAIL TO THEIR FAMILY BEFORE BEING BURIED ALIVE. their fears include SUFFOCATION, HOSPITALS and SNAKES, and they don’t know we know, but… HE WAS INVOLVED IN A REVENGE PORN IN HIGH SCHOOL. ‹ STAFF OF THE MANOR, Pastry Chef. ›

hey hey hey! tis me again, aren, and i’m back with a second muse! and here we go...

STATS—

NAME: Ishak Khalil Zander BIRTHPLACE: Denver, Colorado HOMETOWN: Denver, Colorado DOB: September 28 ZODIAC: Libra AGE: 37 HEIGHT: 5’10 (1.78 m) WEIGHT: 70 kg (154 lbs) HAIR: Black EYES: Green S/R ORIENTATION: Asexual / Demiromantic OCCUPATION(S): Pastry chef. Sous chef (former). Executive pastry chef (former).

Name pronounced as EE-SHAK or ISH-AK.

Egyptian. With some Greek lineage.

Youngest of two; has an older brother.

Majored in Cultural Studies.

After graduating from college, he went and studied in Le Cordon Bleu in Paris, France.

Can speak fluent French, colloquial Egyptian-Arabic, basic Spanish.

An absolute optimist.

His five favorite food groups? Cake, chocolate, macaron, cheese and wine.

Believes in superstition.

200% foodie.

A perfectionist, especially when it comes to his craft.

Catch him snowboarding or hiking during his rare-free time/off days.

Awkward when it comes to technology.

Interned, worked for and was mentored by Wolfgang Puck.

Was the First Family’s executive pastry chef throughout President Obama’s term. (This totally happened in this universe OKAY.)

Then, he moved back to Denver, CO – reunited with his family, and worked as a pastry chef for The Mandalorian. (Yes, I borrowed this from SW but shhh it’s easier for me to remember lmao.)

Come 2018, a job post for the Crenshaw Manor was forwarded to him via email; the pastry chef position. He applied and was hired.

Despite his overall sunny, outgoing, positive disposition… he can be snappy (esp in the kitchen), snarky (don’t bad-mouth immigrants, ever), insensitive (refer to snappy lol).

He’s heard of all the ghost stories and lore concerning the Manor™. He will neither confirm nor deny, but he’s got lots to tell if you’re up for a good story (or some urban myths).

As for his secret, while he wasn’t present when the event took place, he was pressured and manipulated into posting the video online by people he, at the time, thought were his friends. A flagrant outcome, a divisive fallout, and disciplinary actions were taken.

FEARS

SUFFOCATION: He got locked up in a closet when he was little when the fear mounted (and it was dark) and suddenly, he was unable to breathe. HOSPITALS: While he can count the number of times he’s been in a hospital, most had to do with death. He’s lost a cousin, an uncle, a close friend and a co-worker. Want to know what these four have in common? They all died at precisely 3 AM yet different calendar dates and the cause of death were all undetermined. Oh, and mirrors were found shattered in the restrooms. SNAKES: Because they slither and crawl and no thank you fjkvjdfksfbnkj

BIO

Sometimes you watch old videos of yourself. The ones were taken by your older brother, by your mom. There’s something subjective about them, the camera angles, and the crisp sound, your own voice sounding so young. Your mom video calls every now and then when she’s not busy with the restaurant, you are in desperate need of a haircut or a shave, and when you see for yourself you call her back just to agree, to have that good ‘ol mother and son fun banter. You’re good friends with your dad, you’re his confidant. You look up to your brother because he’s quite the role model, he’s fun and witty and everything you’ve aspired to be.

Your childhood was good. You’re the son of Egyptian immigrants. Your father’s a biochemist, and your mother’s a chef; you clearly took after the latter, although you took a lot from the former, too. You’re appreciative and passionate about your roots, proud of your culture. You had good friends, participated in activities in and out of school.

High school was another world, you felt alienated for a season, had to adjust. But you found your place, found your friends. At least, you thought you did. You felt safe, well-liked, ever the social butterfly. Your brother warned you about certain friends, how they never felt right, how they looked at you differently. Of course, you elected to ignore his advice. And then something happened—

It wasn’t the same, you’ve changed. You grew up overnight, forced to face your demons and to deal. Your name was cleared, sure, and your family still loves you. Always have, and they never looked at you any different. They still trust you, they believe in you. Your real friends? They’re a small group, and they stayed—you’re thankful. You’re forgiven, but you’ll never forget. You went to a different high school once the semester’s ended.

College was fun. Your first fling, your first relationship, first drag of mary-jane, first unofficial cook-off. A lot of firsts. Oh, and apparently, you’re now a damn-good cook, quite the baker. One of your best friends questioned why you’re not pursuing Culinary Arts, and you jokingly told him it’s because you want to go to all the free parties and concerts first. You graduated with honors, your family’s proud. You feel good. Still, you felt unaccomplished.

Paris was something else. You wondered how you’ll fit in, how you’ll pull through. But you fucking did. Despite the odds, scheming, and competitive classmates. You’re on top of your class, lauded by your peers and teachers. That’s right, you’re feeling accomplished now.

You started off as a sous chef, a tall task. However, you’re excellent under pressure, you’re damn good at what you do. You’ve faced adversity (dissatisfied customers and foodies), felt a surge of pride (executive chefs and critiques praising your work), humbled (your family and roots are being credited for your skills, your upbringing).

Being the executive pastry chef for the First Family’s a highlight of your life. You didn’t think it was possible, but it happened. It was the First Lady who recommended you when she and her daughters dined at one of Wolfgang Puck’s restaurants. Up to this day, it still feels surreal.

You go back to Colorado once President Obama’s concluded his final term, full of sound and happy memories, friendships, an experience unlike any other. Then, you take up the pastry chef post for a well-known shop, the owner’s a family friend, and personally asked you to fill the spot.

Now comes a new chapter.

You’re now the pastry chef for the Crenshaw Manor. You’re familiar with the stories, the gossip, and everything else in between. You’re familiar with the silence, eerie, and bone-chilling. You hear the whispers, the voices. You’ve seen the figures, have photographic evidence. But you dare not disrupt the balance.

You follow the protocol because you value your post.

Wanted Connections

I don’t have anything specific fbsjjkvjkakbjka

Throw anything at me or let’s brain storm!

I also don’t kind going off chemistry and going with the flow!

Find me on disco or IM here!

#manor.talk #muses that enjoys all things creepy and haunting and cake #joakim also likes cake btw jbkjfsdkjks #manor.intro #sorry for any typos or error #[ intro; ]

4 notes · View notes

bumblebet-20 · 6 years ago

Text

What we left behind

5sos x reader

warnings: swearing, divorce, angst (oh so much).

A/N: GUYS OMG THIS IS MY VERY FIRST SERIES AND IM SOOOO EXCITED :3

Couldn't have done this without my boo @aspiringwildfire

-FLASHBACK-

“Happy Birthday, Enid!” Everyone yells after I blow out the candles, tossing up confetti they held in their hands.

“What did you wish for, Ed?” Calum asks, face covered in frosting from the chocolate cupcake.

“You know I can’t tell you, Cal!” I giggle slightly, turning towards the slice of strawberry cake in front of me.

“I can’t believe my baby is 7 today!” My mum says, suddenly behind me and nearly squeezing the life out of me.

“Hey, Ed! Let’s go play!” Michael exclaims on the other side of the yard, holding a yellow ball in his hands. A quick giggle escapes my lips as I quickly move out of my mum’s arms, running over to where he stands, followed by Calum and Luke.

“Be careful of your dress honey!” My mum hollers as we chase the ball, her words barely reach my ears as I focus on beating the other team.

We played football until the sun set, the only time we took a break was when people left and I had to say goodbye to them. Daryl came out and brought us inside for dinner, only us four and our parents remain to finish the celebrations.

“Eat up kids, we’ll set up the tent in a bit.“Liz says, setting down a box containing a large Cheese pizza in front of us.

-After finishing the pizza and getting the tent set up, we settle in our sleeping bags, the only source of light being the lantern in the middle of our circle.“Did you have a fun birthday?” Michael asks, stopping his game of ‘Crazy Eights’ with Calum.“

I had a blast! You three made it great” “

Aw, Ed! We’ll always be here to make your birthday awesome” Luke exclaims, pulling me into a tight hug. The others soon join, causing a dog pile and loud laughs to erupt from all of us.

Once the laughter calmed down and we resumed our previous games, a thought ran through my head “Hey guys? Can we all agree to remain friends no matter what?”

“Of course! Nothing will tear us apart” Calum says, earning agreement ‘yeahs’ “We’re gonna be best friends for life!” Luke hollers

.-10 years later (2012)-“Come on,Becks! We can’t miss this!” I exclaim, grabbing the hand of my best friend, weaving through the crowd outside the building and stopping in front of the stage, waving at the boys while they are getting their instruments ready.

“Oh! Here are our seats” She points to a round table filled with chairs right in front, our names scribbled on paper.

“Hey girls,”Joy says, taking a seat in her designated chair, Mali following right behind her.

“Everyone else is right behind us, “Mali says, motioning to the door where the familiar heads of the Hemmings’ bobs over everyone else.

Once everyone got settled in their chairs, Luke taps the microphone lightly.

“Hello, we are Five Seconds of Summer and welcome to our show!” Luke says into the microphone, earning a round of applause and a ‘whoop’ from me.

“1,2,3,4!” Ashton exclaims before the music begins, filling the nearly empty space with the beginning of ‘Unpredictable’. My foot starts to tap at the beat, unable to contain my smile when Lukes’ voice fills the room.

“She sit at home with the lights out” Rebecca sings lowly next to me.

“Seeing life in different colours” We finish together, pretending our hands are microphones.

“Thank you for coming! This has been Five Seconds of Summer! Good night!” Luke exclaims into the mic before walking off stage.

“Alright, let’s go see our boys,“Liz says as she stands up and heads to the doors where the boys went off from.

“Mum!” Luke exclaims, running to her once we all enter their changing room. All the boys greet their families before I’m swiftly picked up by Ashton and spun around.

“Alright,put her down before you hurt someone, “My mum says, stopping Ashton from spinning my brains out and gently places me on solid ground.

“So, food anyone?” David receives shouts of agreement in return.The parents walked ahead to the cars while we took our time heading out.

“Oh boys! I made some gifts for you” I dig around my bag before finding the plastic baggy, taking out four bright bracelets, each one having a letter for each boy. Rebecca takes two and puts them on the right boy’s wrist.

“Are these friendship bracelets?” Michael asks, twirling around the orange one on his wrist.

“Yeah. I just thought that you boys are gonna make it big someday and I just- don’t want you to forget about the little people” I awkwardly shuffle my feet across the concrete floor, suddenly feeling embarrassed that I even did this.

“I love it! What better way to signify our friendship than with a bracelet!” Ashton tugs me into a hug, squeezing me tightly.

“Alright you kids, let’s go!” Liz says from the end of the corridor, motioning with her hand to come.

“We better go, don’t want an angry Liz on our hands” Calum comments as we all walk towards the door.

[1 month later]

I hum quietly as I braid Becks hair, the two of us deciding to have a sleepover at my house.

“Have you been watching the videos they upload? They’re gaining a lot of views” She says quietly, busy drawing in her sketchbook.

“I know, it's about time people realize their talent”

A knock on my window makes us jump as we turn to it and see Calum’s face pressed against it.

“Cal, what are you doing?” I question once he’s inside.

“ You won’t believe the news we just got” Becks and I share a confused look before returning our attention to the bouncing boy.

“Well? Spill dude” Calum gives her an unamused look, but continues to bounce.

“Okay so we’ve been getting a good number of views on our covers and earlier we got an email asking if we’d be interested in opening for this group-”

“What group?” Rebecca asks, curiosity getting the better of both of us.

“One Direction” Both our jaws drop at the name.

“That’s amazing Cal! I told you you boys would get famous one day!”

“We sign the contract tomorrow and start working out a setlist”

“When do you guys leave?” Calum nervously swallowed at the question.

“Three months” I feel my heart drop at how soon they’ll be leaving.

“Senior year starts in three months…”

“We know, but this is such a great opportunity and this is the boost we need to become famous”

“I’m so happy for you guys!”I exclaim overly eager, earning an odd look from Rebecca.

“We just knew you would be!” He flashes us his award winning smiling before slipping back out the window.

“Alright, spill. That was such a fake congratulations.”

“I’m- I’m happy for them”I fiddle with the brush I was holding.

“Bull. Shit. I’ve never seen more forced joy than right there.”

“What’s gonna happen when they leave for tour? We’re gonna stay behind while they go off and make a name for themselves.”

“Aren’t you happy that they got this opportunity? This is what they want” I sit on the edge of my bed and she joins, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah but- I can’t help but think that it was supposed to us 6. Forever. No one and nothing can come between us”

“They’re still your boys. Now-” She stands, grabbing my hands on the way. “Let’s go get some ice cream and watch movies.. We can deal with this later” I laugh but follow her out to the kitchen.

[5 months later]

“Any response yet?” I simply shake my head at my mum’s question, returning to the book I was reading. “They’ll text back. Just got to be patient honey.”

“Yeah” I reopen IMessage and all texts to them since they left have all been left on read and I can’t figure out why. “I’m going to hang out with Rebecca for a bit” I say after reading her text, receiving a simple ‘mhm’ from my mum.

“And they haven’t even said a simple ‘hi’ or ‘ thanks’?” Rebecca questions, popping a crisp in her mouth.

“Nothing. Did- Did I do something? Should I have sent mail or-”

“Ed stop. You did nothing wrong, okay? They’re hormonal teenage boys, we should really expect this behavior.. But that by no means excuses their rudeness.” I go quiet, opting to play with my sandwich.

“They’re performing in Sydney in two weeks.. I was thinking of stopping by” I casually say, not looking up from the food.

“Alright.” I look up at her, shocked by her response. “I don’t agree with this idea but I’m not not gonna let you do this- definitely not alone.” She puts her hand over my own, offering a soft smile. “Now. About this Art assignment”

\night of concert\

“Okay, the plan is as follows: we go to the concert. Park where we see tour buses and wait. Find the boys and talk. Ending the night with pizza, candy and scary movies at my place.”

“Sounds like a well thought out plan.” I take one last look at myself, adjusting my top before turning to my brunette friend. “Ready?”

“Ready” We loop arms, skipping the whole way to her car.

“Damn, they are loud” Becks jokingly says from our position against the car, listening to our boys play.

“They sound good (feels good hehe :D)” I comment, pushing some of the gravel around with the toe of my combat boots.

We remain in a comfortable silence until the doors swing open and familiar voices fill the air. I look over at her, wide eyed.

“Now or never babe”

“What do I-”

“Hey boys!” She screams, making them all turn around, alarmed looks on their faces.

“Uh- Hi” Luke says, waving awkwardly in our direction.

“Enid here would like to talk to you boys. In private”She nudges me forward and I take timid steps to them.

“Let’s go in the bus” Ashton opens the door for everyone before closing it behind him.

“So-”

“Why’d you guys do it? Why did you just up and ignore me?” They nervously look at one another before Calum steps forward.

“We- uh got busy?”

“If you wanted to still be my friend you would’ve made an effort” I state, crossing my arms across my chest.

“We do it’s just that-” Luke begins but I cut him off, anger starting to run in my veins,

“What happened to ‘remain friends no matter what’”?

“You don’t understand, our life is so crazy now! We still consider you a friend, not best friend but, friends. Why are you still upset about this? It’s not like we completely abandoned you” Michael says from his position in a chair.

“ You couldn’t say ‘hey thanks!’ when I congratulated you?”

“Yeah bu-” Ashton tries but I cut him off.

“You could’ve tried.. But you ALL decided I wasn’t worth the effort!” I take a few slow breaths to try and keep calm “I tried to keep this friendship when you guys left but, not much I can do when you won’t even try”

“We still want a friendship. It’s just gonna be a little different now” Ashton says, taking timid steps towards me.

“No. If you wanted a friendship you would’ve kept up with it. None of you even reached out when my parents went through a horrible divorce. I really needed my best friends support but I got nothing.”

“We didn’t know your parents divorced Ed” Michael explains, all four of them clearly looking distressed.

“Stop. Stop right now. Our parents all still talk so you would’ve been told about it but sure, let’s play dumb. Also, that nickname is reserved for close friends and none of you are that.”

“ Alright,let’s all calm down and think about this rationally.” Ashton says, trying to mediate the best he can.

“I’ve already said everything that I wanted.Goodbye” I quickly leave the bus, practically diving into the passenger seat.

“How did it go?” At the sound of her voice I immediately break down in tear, sobs shaking my whole body. “Oh honey no shh” She brings me into her side, rocking us slowly. “They didn’t deserve your friendship. You’re too kind and you need someone who will love you for yourself and not make you cry like this.”

“I’ll never trust them again”

AND THAT’S PART 1 HOLY SHIT I’M SO EXCITED. please let me know your thoughts but be nice cause I’m a small bean :3

#5sos #series bitchessss #yasss #calum hood #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #michael clifford #loml #ty for reading <3

22 notes · View notes

seouledbysisi · 6 years ago

Text

New World

Chapter 4

Gianna & Mia

A couple weeks had passed and the girls still had lacked to find an outfit for the concert. Gianna threw everything out of her closet trying to put something together but nothing seemed worthy enough to wear to the concert. “Mia!” She yelled.

Mia ran into her room. She was shocked at the hurricane that had blew through Gianna's bedroom. “What the hell happened here?”

Gianna sat on the floor in the middle of all the clothes. “I need a new wardrobe, that's what happened.”

Mia leaned against the panel of the door. “I'm having the same problem. The concert is tomorrow and I was really trying to save money but the clothes I have don't scream 'I'm about to hang out with NCT'”

Gianna sighed. “Let's go! I got you. I owe you anyway for putting up with Adam on that date.”

Mia stopped her. “I'm not allowing you to buy me anything!”

“You don't have a choice! Now C'mon, the concert is tomorrow.” Gianna grabbed her hand and they headed for the door.

They were in Gianna's car waiting for the light to turn green when they noticed a big tour bus with NCT's faces on it.

Mia screamed. “They're here! Oh my gosh! My heart!”

“Calm down, you're going to give yourself a freaking heart attack!” Gianna laughed.

Mia tried to control her breathing. “They're literally right there, how are you not losing your shit right now?”

“Oddly I honestly have no idea how I'm holding it together!”

“If I haven't even seen their faces yet imagine how I'm going to be tomorrow! I'm not trying to scare them but I might just faint.” Mia said as she stared at the tour bus.

“Well if you do, make sure you're near Johnny so he can catch you!” Gianna laughed.

Mia smiled. “Wouldn't that be the most wonderful thing ever? It'd be like I fell for him.”

The light finally turned green. It seemed as if they has been sitting there forever.

“Bye Johnny!” Mia waved at the tour bus as it slowly but surely disappeared.

They finally arrived at the mall. They visited a variety of stores and were having so much trouble finding something to wear. “Why is luck not on our side?” Gianna asked as she put back another outfit.

Mia had an eye for fashion. She picked up a shirt that she knew would look good on Gianna. “I know this isn't ordinarily your style but I think you have the bed figure for it.”

Gianna put it against her and took a look in the mirror. “I don't know, Mia. . .”

“Can you please just trust me?” Mia winked.

Gianna took a deep breath. “What would I wear with it?”

Mia looked around for awhile until she found the perfect match. “You just sit back, relax, and let me work my magic. Taeyong isn't gonna know what to do when he sees you.”

Gianna rolled her eyes. “I doubt it but whatever you say.”

Mia found herself something to wear and they decided to grab a bite to eat since they were already out.

“So did they finally email you with the details for tomorrow?” Gianna asked as she popped a grape into her mouth.

Mia grabbed her phone and signed into her email. “Oh my gosh they sent this email hours ago and I'm just now seeing it.” She rolled her eyes.

“What does it say?”

“So we have to meet them at Adventurdome tomorrow at 1pm. GiGi this just so real!”

Gianna took a deep breath. “They're really trying to give me a heart attack I swear! I hate roller coasters!”

“Well I love them, and if I get to act scared and hold Johnny's hands, then I'm all for it!”

“I'm so sick of your mess.” Gianna laughed. “I'm not riding anything. I refuse!”

Mia squinted her eyes at Gianna. “So you're telling me that if Taeyong asked you to ride something with him you wouldn't?”

“That's exactly what I'm telling you!” Gianna sipped her sparkling water.

Mia shook her head. “I'll believe it when I see it.”

Gianna shrugged. “So, how long will we be with them?”

“The concert starts at 7pm and it says that their schedule with us should be over by 5.”

Gianna simply nodded.

NCT 127

After the guys checked into their hotel, the manager sent out a bulk message for them to all meet in Taeyong and Jaehyun's shared hotel room for a quick meeting.

“I wanted to go over some ground rules for tomorrow.” The manager started.

The guys all nodded.

“We want you to have all the fun in the world but we also need you to be very respectful. We don't know much about the winner so she could possibly be bringing a parent with her. You never know. Be on your best behaviors. You don't want anything to go wrong. She deserves the best day that you all can possibly give her. Am I clear?”

“What are the plans for tomorrow?” Taeyong inquired.

“You have a interview at 8am and then afterwards y'all will be able to change into something more comfortable. You'll meet with the winner at an amusement park called Adventuredome at 1.”

All the guys collectively yelled from excitement.

“Hell yeah!” Mark blurted out.

“After that we we will go grab a bite to eat with the winner and then you'll have to get ready for the concert. You'll have a very busy day.” The manager informed.

“Where are we eating?” Johnny asked. All he was worried about was getting some nice food in his system.

The manager laughed. “That will be up to the winner. We're going to allow her to treat us to wherever she thinks we should go. You will have a bit more of freedom at the amusement park because it's rented out solely for you guys so no one will be there but you and the staff.”

“Woah! That's big!” Haechan added.

“Are y'all ready?”

“I think we are!” Taeyong said as he looked at the other guys.

Gianna & Mia

Gianna's alarm went off a few times yet she kept snoozing not realizing what time it was. She dozed back off to lala land.

Mia burst through the door and snatched her covers back. “Girl if you don't get your ass up right now I'm leaving you!”

Gianna rubbed her eyes. “What time is it?”

“It's 11:30! Get up!”

Gianna rolled over and looked at the time on her phone. Her eyes bulged when saw that Mia wasn't kidding. She jumped out of bed quickly and ran to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

“I'm going to finish getting ready, I'll meet you in the living room.” Mia told her as she closed her door behind her.

Gianna was glad that she had just gotten her hair fixed the other day so all she needed to do was refresh her curls a bit which wouldn't take long at all. Makeup was a different story. It always took her forever to perfect her makeup and on a day like this there was no time for mistakes.

About forty five minutes later she emerged from her bedroom.

Mia jumped up off the couch. “I knew that outfit was going to be so cute on you.”

Gianna did a cute little pose. “It does doesn't it?” She flipped her long waves off of her shoulder.

Mia's hair was half up in a high bun and the rest down flowing into waves.

“You look to die for, though but I mean I didn't expect anything less.” Gianna complimented. “You ready to go?”

“For sure!”

They pulled up into the parking lot of the amusement park.

“Why is there hardly any vehicles?” Gianna asked as she parked.

Mia pulled her shades up and took a look around. “Maybe their just not that busy today.”

“The tour bus isn't even here. How they gonna be late for their own thing? That's hella rude!” Gianna laughed.

Mia shrugged and got out of the car pulling her shades back down.

As Gianna stepped out, they saw the entrance door open and the guys emerged. Thank Goodness they both had on shades or else the guys would've saw their eyes almost pop out of their sockets.

They ran over to the girls.

“Hey, ladies how are y'all?” Johnny asked as he grabbed Mia's hand and kissed it softly.

Mia simply stared at her hand.

“We're good. How are y'all?” Gianna asked. She was keeping her emotions in check pretty well.

“Really good. It's nice to meet you.” Taeyong smiled.

The manager stepped in front of the guys. “So which of you is Mia?”

Johnny wrapped his arm around Mia's shoulder. “This is definitely her!” He had a huge smile on his face.He remembered what she looked like from the pictures that he and Taeyong had saw.

Mia stuttered for a moment. “Yeah, I'm her. This is my best friend Gianna. We're really happy that y'all gave us this opportunity.”

“We're happy that you wrote so many great things about us! The pleasure is all ours.” Taeyong nodded.

“So are we gonna ride some rides or not?” Mark asked.

The managers beckoned for them to head inside.

Gianna took a seat on one of the benches. She was terrified of heights, and roller coasters in general.

Jungwoo noticed her sitting and headed in her direction. “Miss? You're not having fun?” He asked.

Gianna giggled. “No, I am. I just don't really like coasters.”

Jungwoo smiled and called Taeyong over. “She doesn't like roller coasters.”

Taeyong looked around the building. “Have you ever been on one?”

Gianna shook her head.

Taeyong reached for her hand. “That one isn't scary at all. Come with me?”

She looked up at the coaster and felt like he obviously wasn’t seeing what she was seeing. “I-I don't think so.”

Taeyong placed his hand over his heart as if she had hurt him. “You're breaking my heart. Please? If you hate it, you can blame it all on me.”

Mia ran over to her. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing, they want me to ride that big roller coaster.” Gianna sighed.

“That one is a piece of cake. A baby could ride it.” Mia wasn’t making things any better.

Taeyong reached for her hand again and pulled her off of the bench. “If you get scared I have a hand that doesn't mind being held.”

Gianna rolled her eyes. “Whatever, let's go.”

After all of the exhilarating rides they all met up with the manager who was keeping them on a time schedule. “Are you ladies hungry?”

“Starving actually. I woke up late so we headed straight here after we got ready.” Gianna admitted. She was thanking the heavens above that her stomach wasn't growling loudly. That would've been the most embarrassing thing ever.

“Have any ideas of where we should eat?” Johnny asked.

Mia thought for a moment. “I know this place that has the coolest rooftop deck. It's called Carson Kitchen, is that okay?”

The manager nodded. “Lead the way. We'll follow you there.”

Carson Kitchen

They all arrived there shortly and were seated on the rooftop deck.

“So, tell us about you.” Taeyong said as he looked from Mia to Gianna.

Gianna smiled. “How about y'all ask the questions and we'll answer.”

Taeyong smirked. “Yes ma'am! I seen on Mia's page that she's in college. What major?”

“I'm a design student. We both will be graduating next month.” Mia answered.

“Congratulations!” Haechan nodded in their direction.

“So, Gianna what's your major?” Johnny asked.

“I'm majoring in journalism but I have a minor in digital broadcasting.”

Doyoung clapped. “You must be smart.”

“Not as smart as you’d think. I've just always had a passion for writing so it comes naturally.”

Mia smiled at her. “I wish I could take the credit for that essay but she put it all together. It was both of our feelings and thoughts but she arranged it to sound better than I ever could’ve.

“Good work. I wouldn't mind seeing more.” Taeyong told her with a smile.

“Comedy or horror?” Taeil asked.

“Comedy.” Gianna laughed.

“Horror. The scarier the better!” Mia answered.

Taeyong nodded. “I’m with you!”

“Ideal type?” Johnny asked.

Gianna's eyes got big.

“Johnny! No!” The manager shook his head.

“No, it's fine. I want y'all to be as authentic as possible. My ideal type would be someone who treats me like a princess and knows what my worth is and makes sure I'm happy. Someone who keeps me laughing and does everything in his power to keep from losing me.” Mia answered with a smile.

They all stared at Gianna waiting on her to answer.

“Gianna? What's yours?” Mark asked.

Gianna snapped out of her trance. “It's pretty simple. I like a caring and charismatic guy. Someone whose spontaneous and likes to have fun. I like him to have a bit of edge because if I'm being honest I like a tad bit of drama every once in a while. Basically I just want someone who makes me believe in love.”

“Single or taken?” Johnny asked.

Taeyong hit his leg under the table.

“What?” Johnny mouthed.

“I'm embarrassed to even say but single.” Gianna covered her face shyly.

“There's nothing wrong with being single. Someone will come along and make you happy.” Jungwoo assured her.

“Plus you're pretty and you seem to have big dreams and aspirations. Some guy will be lucky to have you.” Haechan added with his angelic smile.

“Do you have a lucky guy, Mia?” Johnny asked as he stared deeply at her.

Her palms began to sweat a little. She took a sip of her drink. “Nope. Single as a pringle.”

“Me too. I guess we're single together.” Johnny flashed her his signature smile.

Taeil and Taeyong both hit him under the table.

“Y'all have got to stop hitting me!” He yelled.

The girls both burst out laughing.

They finished up their food and headed downstairs to leave. The ladies exited first and noticed a huge pack of girls waiting outside the restaurant with their phones out.

When the fans noticed NCT they bombarded them with screams. All you could see was flashing lights. Mia and Gianna were so disoriented. They didn't know which way to turn because it was so many screaming fans trying to get their hands on the guys. Somehow the ladies got separated in the midst of the chaos so Gianna was looking around for her best friend but to no avail. “Mia!” She yelled, attempting to be heard over the screaming crowd.

After awhile she felt someone grab her hand and jerk her back inside the restaurant. When she came to her senses she realized that Taeyong was still holding her hand.

Taeyong rubbed her hair out of her face. “Are you okay?”

Gianna looked back out towards the door. She could see NCT's security trying to disperse the crowd so that they could leave.

Taeyong grabbed her cheek softly. Gianna became a bit startled at how close he was to her. “Gianna, it's okay. They're just excited. You're not hurt are you?”

She shook her head as she took a deep breath. “I'm fine. Where's Mia?” She was starting to panic.

He gave her a small smile and pointed towards the back of the restaurant where the other guys were. “She's with them. Are you sure you're okay?” He noticed her arm was bleeding a little.

When she saw what he was staring at she covered her arm with her hand. “Someone must have scratched me on accident. It's fine, really.”

He grabbed a napkin and moved her hand away so he could wipe the blood off. “I don't know how they found us. I'm so sorry.”

4 notes · View notes

elizadoolittlethings · 6 years ago

Photo

Mark Gatiss on the Unquiet Dead

June 4, 2016

We were delighted when Mark Gatiss recently agreed to take time out of his incredibly busy schedule to look back on his very first episode of Doctor Who. Mark’s episode, The Unquiet Dead, was the third episode of Series One of the relaunched series. It caused a number of complaints about Doctor Who being too scary for children. Hurrah!

WhoSFX: What was the original brief from RTD?

Mark: Russell emailed an outline for the series. I’m sure it’s been reproduced now but what I remember best were the (sort of) remake of Spearhead from Space kicking things off, the farting aliens, Captain Jaxx (as he was then called) and that episode three was labelled ‘The name’s Dickens. Charles Dickens!’ Dickens in Cardiff, seances and gas creatures living in the walls. I crossed my fingers that that was the one he wanted me to do!

WhoSFX: Being a Victorian ghost story, surely RTD had you in mind for this one from the start?

Mark: Russell and I met at the BAFTAs in 2000 when The League of Gentlemen won. I suppose he knew where my tastes lay but, of course, when the series was announced as returning, who knew which writers would be asked? I’d just had a series (The Ministry of Time) turned down and I remember the email from Jane Tranter, saying no, ended with ‘Perhaps Mark could write for the new Doctor Who? That would be exciting!’ So I was very hopeful.

WhoSFX: If you’d been given a blank sheet of paper would we still have had a Victorian ghost story?

Mark: The blank sheet of paper is what writers fear most. It’s almost always nicer to have a least something to go on. A bit of grit to make the (hopeful) pearl! But I suppose I’d have gone for something in the same area, yes. I’ve always loved historical settings, Victoriana and ghost stories are my favourite things of all so I suppose it might have been similar in tone. But RTD effectively invented the ‘celebrity historical’ for Doctor Who (hardly touched before except for Marco Polo and…um…Timelash!) I was wary of the Dickens element at first but A Christmas Carol is one of my favourite stories and I fell in love with the idea of making it a Dickens story about Dickens.

WhoSFX: Was this like the story you’d had in your mind for 30 years?

Mark: I knew I wanted it to be scary. That was very important. And I remember at the first meeting I had about it with RTD, Julie and Phil I waxed lyrical about the (to me) magical idea of time travel. That’s where the footprint in the snow came from and the ‘hundred thousand sunsets’ line. I’ve always found the notion of time travel so spine-tinglingly wonderful. But was it the story I’d had in mind for 30 years? Probably not. Elements of it, certainly. But the Dickens framework that Russell gave me let me play with all the sorts of things I love best!

WhoSFX: As it was your first episode, and the first series, was this the hardest of your Doctor Who scripts to write?

Mark: I suppose so in the sense that an awful lot had to be unlearnt. It seems so natural now (as I write my ninth episode – ten if you count the un-produced one!) but the forty five minute format took some getting used to. Growing up with four and six parters and cliffhanger endings was how Doctor Who worked so that was a challenge. Also just the sheer speed of a new episode. I remember in an early draft I had the Doctor and Rose coming out of the TARDIS and then going back in again for several scenes. Russell said ‘why do they do that?” And the answer was, because that’s what used to happen! There was a lot more time to fill in the old days. I do recall thinking that what might be sacrificed for speed was suspense but it rapidly became clear that this new pace of storytelling would breathe fantastic new life into the format. And that the pre-titles would essentially be the old ‘part one’ in condensed form. There’s your cliffhanger – before the titles!

WhoSFX: Was it hard not being fully ‘in control’?

Mark: Yes it was but I believed very strongly that the reason the show might work was that Russell was doing it his way. The BBC trusted his vision and the results are obvious to this day. Doing The League of Gentlemen and now running Sherlock with Steven Moffat makes you realise the importance of a ‘vision’ for a show. There were disagreements about the tone or the odd line but it was all very friendly and I was hugely happy with the end result. Now the show is a proven phenomenon again, it’s easy to forget what a risk it all was. But everyone was so determined to help Russell reinvent the show. It was a very heady and very exciting time.

WhoSFX:How did you balance the lighter elements with the incredibly dark themes?

Mark: Well, I suppose that’s my speciality. The League of Gentlemen always had a great deal of pathos amidst the grosser or darker elements and ‘bitter sweet’ is my favourite form in comedy and drama. I’ve always been obsessed with the paraphernalia of death and find the world of fake mediums and funeral parlours intrinsically funny! The idea of aliens ‘occupying’ corpses is very grim as is the Doctor’s insistence that it’s a viable idea. I found that very interesting to explore.

WhoSFX: Did you want it be classic ‘behind-the-sofa’ material?

Mark: Oh very much so! I went on Radio 4’s ‘PM’ after it went out as there’d been a lot of complaints. Eddie Mair asked me how I felt about terrifying the nation’s children and I said ‘I’m thrilled!’ That, to me, was always so much of Doctor Who‘s appeal. It scared the life out of me when I was a kid but in a delightful way. Like being on a rollercoaster. ‘The Daemons’ scared the pants off me (especially Bok the gargoyle) but the Doctor’s presence reassured me. I was over the moon about the ‘sting’ into the titles with the zombified Mrs Peace walking into the camera. Those eyes! That face! That awful groan. It was genuinely scary.

WhoSFX: Could it have been darker or were you told to rein it in a little?

Mark: I remember discussing at the tone meeting what kind of zombies they’d be and there was a consensus that we needed to err on the side of ‘family friendly’. But, as ever, Doctor Whopushes the envelope! I think the themes were sufficiently dark and I certainly had no interest in trying to push the new show into overtly horrific areas. As I say, children love to be scared but you have to aware of the parameters of the time slot, of the tone of the show, of your audience’s expectations.

WhoSFX: Were you given much guidance about budget and how ‘big’ the episode could be?

Mark: Something happened which has never happened to me before or since in TV. I was asked to spend more money!! I think with my producer’s hat on I was trying to make the episode very ‘do-able’ and the early drafts were very much confined to the house. The team then asked me to do a big ‘Victorian Cardiff’ scene to really establish the thrill of time travel and add some scale.

WhoSFX: What did you think when Christopher Eccleston was cast?

I thought it was a very exciting and interesting choice, not the obvious one at all. I’d worked with Chris on the third series of The League of Gentlemen and remember him saying ‘Thanks for asking me to do this. Everyone thinks I’m a miserable bastard!’ So I suppose I wasn’t surprised that he wanted to do something so different and outside his comfort zone. His casting also sent a very clear message that the new show meant business. I think he was a wonderful Doctor.

WhoSFX: What point in the writing process did the casting take place, and did you make any changes because of it?

Mark: I can’t actually remember. I’m pretty sure I wrote at least the first draft (it was called The Crippingwell Horror originally) without a Doctor cast, based on Russell’s thoughts on what kind of person the new man might be. After that, I do what i always do which is to try and get the actor’s speech patterns and mannerisms in my head. Chris’ ‘bluntness’ and his northernness were the immediate obvious differences as was Russell’s insistence that the new Doctor not be ‘a posh boy’!

WhoSFX: Were the Gelth part of RTD’s original brief?

Mark: I think it mentioned ‘gas monsters being drawn out of he walls by a machine’ but I’ve always had a thing about possession and ‘non-corproeal’ aliens so that’s what they became! I remember well sitting down and thinking ‘This is it. I’m naming a Doctor Who monster!’ Happily, as with Terry Nation, the name just sorted of ‘rolled off the laptop’! I wanted them to appear pathetic and rather sad but then turn when the true nature of their plan was revealed. Are there any ‘Pity the Gelth’ T shirts? There should be!

WhoSFX: Where did your inspiration come from for the creatures? Were the Gelth on screen how you envisaged them?

Mark: I wanted them to be classically ghostly in form but also (reflecting their gaseousness) sort of formless and intangible. The ‘turn’ into evil Gelth is obviously knicked from Raiders of the Lost Ark but, you know, always steal from the best! I was thrilled by the final result. I think everyone was taken aback by the slickness and impact of the FX. The one thing I remember being very specific about was that the Gelth should briefly ‘occupy’ a lion ‘s head door knocker a la Jacob Marley in A Christmas Carol.

WhoSFX: What was it like when you attended the recording of your episode?

Mark: It was a dream come true, of course. I couldn’t quite believe it was happening. And, of course, none of us knew that the show would take off like it did. That might have been the first and last new season! So I was determined to lap up every minute. It was where I first met Simon Callow (a good friend to this day) and the wonderful Alan David (whose casting was my suggestion. I’d loved him since The Squirrels!) Euros Lynn did a brilliant job and I found him an immensely sympathetic and inventive director.

Thank you Mark Gatiss.

#MG #mark gatiss #doctor who #the unquiet dead #whosfx #wordpress #interview #the man behind the genius #all things MG

4 notes · View notes

garywonghc · 7 years ago

Photo

The Suffering of Busyness

by Charlotte Rotterdam

I grew up with the idea that the rich and powerful lounged on a beach all day, without a care in the world. Now, I feel like everyone proves their social status by flaunting how many commitments and responsibilities they have. A recent study found that busyness rivals wealth as a symbol of status in America. I’ve certainly found myself commiserating with friends about long to-do lists, countless work duties, and an overflowing email inbox. “How are you?” they ask, and I respond, “Busy, busy, busy.” It’s an easy and almost-always-accurate answer.

Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche writes that the particular suffering of humans is characterised as “busyness.” We humans are adept at enveloping ourselves in a web of distraction, going out of our way to fill our free time with more to-dos. We are fighting to fill space.

Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche described one of the primary human anxieties as a “fear of space.” Activity gives us a point of reference – something to do, somewhere to be. We get uncomfortable in the empty slots in our schedules. Alone at a restaurant table, we check Facebook, write a text, or read an article. The line between activity and distraction becomes blurred. When I read the news, am I educating myself about the world, or distracting myself from the looming question, “What am I doing with my life?” When I do the dishes, am I cleaning up, or avoiding a tough conversation with my husband?

Our busyness keeps us from facing impermanence and uncertainty — the basic truths of our existence. I do; therefore, I am. I’m busy; therefore, I exist.

All things are passing. When we rest in the present moment, we’re faced with this directly. This realisation doesn’t have to be cause for depression. It can be a reminder of the preciousness of our life. Relaxing into the vulnerability of unknowing and facing our direct experience can be courageous. It’s an opportunity to taste vast, interconnected spaciousness — the groundless ground that has no reference points or handles.

For me, solitary retreats force me to face my fear of space. In retreat, alone in an eight-by-eight foot cabin, I often ask myself why I ever thought it would be a good idea to separate myself from my children, my husband, and all the fun things I could be doing at home. Retreat can be lonely, with nowhere to go, no one demanding anything from me. But, over time my eyes see in a new way, my ears hear new sounds. I coo duets with an evening dove, watch dragonflies hook their front legs to a Ponderosa branch and hang until the early dawn. I’m able to recognise that I am far from alone, feeling the seamlessness of my connection to the world. But we shouldn’t have to go into retreat to press pause on our busyness.

My personal mantra has become “Could I just stop?” Stop the dishes, emails, planning, and worrying? Can I rest in the now as it is? This might mean that I turn off the faucet, close the computer, or put down the phone. Sometimes it means taking a moment to let my awareness expand — to feel my body… hear the rain hit the windowsill… rejoice in a gap between thoughts. With awareness, I can recognise the space, and find that it isn’t scary. It’s open and gentle.

Busyness also serves as a distraction from dissatisfaction — the sense that somehow right now is not quite it. Maybe in the future, in some different, better place, things will be right. So often, we drag our dissatisfaction around with us like a dead weight.

The Buddhist teachings on karma can lend some insight into the source of this dissatisfaction. Karma literally translates to “action.” In Vajrayana Buddhism, there are five wisdom energies, known as “Buddha families.” The karma family is related to envy and jealousy; but it also relates to enlightened wisdom, described as “all-accomplishing action.” Envy and jealousy arise out of the feeling that someone has something we would like, but do not have, reflecting an underlying sense of lack and craving. We become painfully aware of others’ success. Having toyed with the idea of completing a PhD for the last 15 years, I notice a twinge of pain whenever someone talks of finishing their dissertation.

When I feel that uncomfortable twinge, I can turn on the radio and distract myself with the latest political upsets. I can dig into the sink of dirty dishes, or sweep dust from the floor. These activities keep me from inquiring into my sense of unfulfilment.

The wisdom aspect of the Karma Family is “all-accomplishing action.” This is the wisdom of our inherent buddhanature. It is our true nature, not created or manufactured. We don’t need to busy ourselves with fabricating or establishing it — it is already accomplished, already perfected. The point of all our spiritual practice is to realise this nature, rather than madly engaging in actions to fix our imperfections. No action can fulfil us because what we’re inevitably searching for – the fulfilment of our true nature – has already always been present.

So are we supposed to just do nothing from now on? Of course not. We engage with the world — creating, serving, planting gardens, and raising children. Our actions do not need to come from a place of wanting to fix anything. One activity doesn’t need to catapult us into the impatient arms of the next. We can cultivate a sense of “all-accomplishment” with very simple actions, resting in the experience of fulfilment. Before we fork up our next bite of food, what might it be like to just chew the one we already have, taste it fully, and feel it nourishing our body? We can learn to take a moment to recognise completion in any activity, stopping us from rushing onto our nextdistraction.

I had such an experience when I gave birth to my first son, Mateo. The labour had gone on far longer than I had hoped, but with one final push he was here. The nurse and my husband took him out of the room to be washed. I lay alone in my bed, gazing out the window. Relaxation flowed over me — my work was done, my labour completed. I felt no sense of urgency to move to the next thing. For that moment, the present was absolutely perfect.

That feeling has remained with me as a reminder of the possibility of true satisfaction. Every action we take offers the opportunity to experience this. With every sip of tea, and every email sent, we can take a moment to acknowledge that we’ve have completed that task — to feel its satisfaction. Perhaps this can begin to heal the sense of dissatisfaction that so often haunts us.

It’s easy to see ourselves as a victim of our busy world. In my own life, I realise that much of my continual distraction is my own responsibility, and choose to take ownership of the ways that I perpetuate a never-ending cycle of activity. This awareness inspires me to step into every experience with ownership knowing I could just stop. I can stop seeing busyness as proof that my life has meaning. With nowhere to go, and nothing to do, I can rest for a moment in the satisfaction of completion.

10 notes · View notes

helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Lance Bass Reveals Ongoing Battle With Depression & How *NSYNC Reacted to Him Being Gay (Exclusive)

As he prepares to attend a remembrance ceremony to mark the two-year anniversary of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando, Florida, on Tuesday night, Lance Bass is still distraught thinking about the mindless tragedy, which killed 49 people. The LGBT hot spot was one of the first places where Bass was able to celebrate his sexuality, and reaching a point where he could bring himself to do so was no easy feat.

In fact, in a new interview with ET, the 39-year-old musician -- who confirmed he was gay in 2006 -- is sharing the extent to which he struggled with his identity up to that point, and how his bandmates’ love lives triggered a battle with depression that he’s still facing to this day.

“When I started with *NSYNC, I was 16 years old, so I didn’t fret over being gay because I was still young, so could hide it easily,” he says. “It was when I was 19, 20 and everyone started having serious relationships that I really started feeling depression for the first time. All the guys had girlfriends and we’d get a couple of days off and [they would be with] girlfriends and I was the only one who didn’t have anyone. That’s when it started getting really scary because I was like, ‘I can’t keep this ruse up much longer.’”

“Then rumors started because I hadn’t had a girlfriend, so I would date people just for the optics of it -- so people would think of me in a certain way,” Bass continues. “Which was horrible for that person and for myself -- having a relationship built on a huge lie is a horrible thing. I thought, ‘My life sucks.’ It was like one side of my life [my career] was going great and I should be happy, but the thing that really matters -- love -- I couldn’t have.” Growing up in conservative Mississippi, Bass says he knew he was gay as young as five, but had no one to look to for guidance.

Finding fame with *NSYNC (created by late music mogul Lou Pearlman following the success of his first boy band, the Backstreet Boys) Bass kept his sexuality a secret because he feared going public would hinder the group’s success, and subsequently, his bandmates’ futures. However, hiding such a significant part of his identity tore him up inside and it’s only with hindsight that he now realizes how bad his state of mind became.

“At the time I was just a dumb teenager who didn’t know what was going on,” he says. “Looking back, I realize how lonely and sad I was. I put my entire life into my work because as long I was busy, it took my mind off [the sadness.]”

While Bass never felt so low that he contemplated ending his life, he knows all to well the feelings which lead an alarming number of LGBT youth to decide they can’t go on, and now works with organizations like The Trevor Project to help struggling teens emerge from such darkness.

His own light at the end of the tunnel came when he revealed his sexuality for the first time by sharing a kiss with the guy who would become his first boyfriend. “It was freaky because it was like, ‘Oh my gosh, now someone knows and it’s up to them to keep that secret. I can’t control that.’ It was a very overwhelming moment because I knew it was a point of no return.”

“It was during *NSYNC’s hiatus and I was still scared as I didn’t want anyone to know because I didn’t want it to affect any of the guys’ careers,” he adds. “It was a secret I was always going to take to the grave. But during that time off when I didn’t focus on work, I was able to think about my feelings, meet people and have a relationship and that’s when I started really understanding [myself.] I thought I was gay my whole life, but the older you get you’re like, ‘Well, as long as I don’t act on it, it’s fine.’ You trick yourself into thinking you can hide it, but once I kissed a guy I was like, ‘All right. I’m 100% gay and this feels right.’”

It was a few more years before Bass finally went public with his sexuality, tired of continually denying rumors and lying. However, the interview, which ran on the cover of People in 2006, had such an “insane” 24-hour turnaround that although Bass left voice messages and sent emails, he wasn’t able to connect with many of his loved ones before the issue was published, meaning some people “woke up to the news.” Several friends couldn’t forgive Bass for not confiding in them earlier, seeing the secret as a “lie” and ending their friendships.

It was a different story with his “Bye Bye Bye” bandmates -- Joey Fatone, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick and Justin Timberlake.

“Joey knew way before anyone because that same first boyfriend was sitting in my lap in my office one day and Joey walked in,” Bass recalls. “Normal guys don’t just sit on other guys’ laps! I was like ‘Surprise!’ and he was like, ‘Oh please, I don’t care.’ And, the rest of the guys [took the news] fine. They were the easiest to tell. They’re my best friends … my brothers. They completely knew. So, it was not a surprise to them at all.”

With the weight of his secret lifted, Bass recalls the ecstatic feeling of walking into a gay nightclub, openly gay, for the first time. “Coming from hiding a huge part of yourself for your entire life and being so lonely about it, to ripping the Band-Aid off and being around people just like [me] was incredible,” says Bass, who met Michael Turchin a few years later and tied the knot with him in 2014. “It gave me so much hope that I was going to be really happy.” One of those clubs that Bass started frequenting was Pulse nightclub. Reflecting on the tragic shooting two years on, Bass says he panicked when he heard the devastating news. “I immediately thought I was going to know someone who was there. After frantically calling all my friends, thank god, no one I knew was hurt.”

#WeWillNeverForget @onepulseorg

A post shared by Lance Bass (@lancebass) on Jun 12, 2018 at 10:10am PDT

Still, the horrific massacre hit “too close to home,” prompting Bass to begin working with the onePULSE Foundation, which provides grants to survivors and families of victims of the tragedy. The organization is hosting Tuesday's remembrance ceremony. Bass' latest efforts include partnering with Crowdrise by GoFundMe for a fundraiser running throughout June (Pride Month), where contributors have the chance to fly to Los Angeles, California, to dine at Bass’ favorite restaurant, Pump, then become his sous chef during his Facebook Live cooking series, #LanceEats at Chef'd headquarters.

“Cooking is a huge passion of mine and a lot of people don’t know that, but in my family, everything revolves around food,” explains Bass, who previously teamed up with his mom, Diane, to compete in Fox’s My Kitchen Rules. “It’s always an experience and a memory, so I wanted to do something fun, which I’m passionate about and allows me to connect with fans in a fun, unique way.”

Now’s your chance! Enter to win the ultimate LA getaway where you’ll get to cook with me on #LanceEats and hit some of my favorite culinary gems! Proceeds from this contest will go towards the @onepulseorg ahead of their two year anniversary (link to enter in bio) 💜💙💚💛🧡❤️ @chefd @crowdrise

A post shared by Lance Bass (@lancebass) on Jun 6, 2018 at 3:02pm PDT

CrowdRise by GoFundMe

Bass is also preparing to become a parent with Turchin, working on an upcoming YouTube Red documentary about Pearlman, and recently joined his bandmates as *NSYNC received their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Blessed in ways he unlikely imagined as a struggling teen, he admits that behind the glamour, he still struggles with depression. And while these days it’s no longer concealing his sexuality that ignites low moments, he still has many of them.

“This business is what triggers me now,” he says. “It’s a horrible industry to be in because 99% of everything you do is a failure and you’re told, ‘No,’ all the time. It’s very rare you get to celebrate huge successes. You have to be a strong person and let things roll off your shoulders, which is really hard.”

“People always see the best parts and it looks like a fabulous life, but I’m human and I go through all of it, from happiness to depression,” he continues. “I’ve had depression for a long time and I still have bouts of it, for sure. It’s in my makeup. I get days where I feel like nothing’s right, then I have to go, ‘Wait a minute,’ and start thinking about all the good things in my life. That’s how I turn it around.”

*To contribute to Bass’ onePULSE Foundation fundraiser and be in to win a trip for two to Los Angeles and become his sous chef for a day, visit Crowdrise. RELATED CONTENT:

EXCLUSIVE: Lance Bass Reveals He 'Started the Process' to Have Kids -- Find Out Why He's 'Freaked Out'

NEWS: *NSYNC Reunites to Receive Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

NEWS: Lance Bass Reveals Why He Didn't Come Out as Gay During *NSYNC

#_revsp:new_provider_with_logo_342 #_lmsid:a0VK0000001yfWcMAI #_uuid:67c9380f-aa31-359c-aeb7-edb3c75e1291

4 notes · View notes

internetandnetwork · 4 years ago

Text

Beware of These Scary Cyber Threats This Halloween

Halloween is one of the most beloved holidays celebrated across the world. The haunted houses, creepy costumes, spooky pranks, masquerade balls, and spine-chilling horror stories show that Halloween is full of fun and surprises as there is always a new scare waiting for you next.

Halloween is celebrated on 31st October annually, which also marks the end of Cybersecurity Awareness Month. Moreover, there are numerous reasons why Halloween and cyber threats are quite alike. Except for the fun part, cyber threats, too, are scary and intimidating. And just like people dress up in costumes, hiding behind masks, cybercriminals too stay hidden and anonymous, but the only difference is that they can know everything about you. What’s even more frightening is that cyberattacks are increasing rapidly. All thanks to this pandemic, ever since a vast majority of businesses have gone online and people started working from home, cyber threats have boomed!

In this blog, we will discuss the five scariest cyber threats this Halloween that you need to beware of and a few tips to keep these attackers away from you.

RANSOMWARE

This year, ransomware attacks have attained an unparalleled high. The situation has become so bad that in a few cases, companies paying a ransom to the attackers will face civil fines because ransom payments are considered as an act of encouragement for these cybercriminals. So, now the businesses have double worries as if ransomware attacks and the damages they bring along weren’t frightening enough on their own that civil fines are here too.

One of the main reasons why the attacks have increased suddenly is this pandemic. Attackers are taking advantage of the people’s need to take regular updates about Covid-19 and the happenings around the world, like what’s reopening what isn’t. These hackers are ‘tricking’ the users into opening fishy emails containing infected links or attachments that install the ransomware on their devices without their knowledge.

HANDS-ON HACKING

The increase in hands-on hacking is proving to be one of the scariest and affecting cyber threats trends this year. In this form of hacking, hackers take part in malicious activities themselves instead of performing script-based automated attacks. Typically, nation-state cyber actors used to employ this level of sophistication, but now cybercriminal gangs are repeatedly exhibiting it.

This increase in the practice of hands-on hacking can be largely attributed to the sudden outburst in the number of people working remotely, thanks to the pandemic once again. Attackers are exploiting this WFH (work-from-home) environment to access systems and accounts.

DEEPFAKES

Deepfake technology is turning out to be a significant cyber threat too. It is expanding in frequency, and its potential to cause harm. Hackers can create entirely fake images and videos using this technology and then use them to harass and frighten the victims. Now this gives rise to a threat to both the private and public sectors.

For instance, deepfakes can be used as a political tool for distributing false or misleading information in the public sector. On the other hand, deepfakes can be used to defame or downgrade the CEOs by making it look like they did something shocking or scandalous that could impact the company’s stock in the private sector.

PHISHING ATTACKS

Phishing attacks are not new but still fearsome, and they have grown exponentially this year, accounting for a vast majority of the reported cybersecurity happenings. Their sophistication and complexity of payloads have also increased. The current remote working environment is worsening this issue further. Attackers are exploiting the intensified focus on the pandemic and weaker remote work security to launch cyberattacks. Phishing attacks have become the most common source of data breaches while working remotely.

CRYPTOJACKING

This devious malware uses the victim’s computer power to mine cryptocurrencies without their consent. This is different from other forms of malware as it is after the processing power of the user’s computer instead of their data. Since mining requires massive computer power, hackers try to hijack other computers too to use their power to aid in the mining process.

Hackers are exploiting the expanded remote work employees to target and compromise work from home tools like Google Hangouts and Zoom and using them to install the cryptojacking malware into the victim’s computer. Once the malware is installed, cryptojackers can extremely decrease computer performance, compromise devices, and networks, and cause severe financial loss.

FIGHTING CYBER MONSTERS THIS HALLOWEEN

Despite the increasing number of spine-chilling cyber threats, businesses and individuals can defend themselves against these online attacks by employing these cybersecurity measures:

Start by installing an antivirus. Antivirus software is like your digital safeguard or precaution. Just like you take medicines to prevent specific diseases, similarly, you should have a reliable antivirus in place to prevent specific cyberattacks. Endpoint antivirus is the best choice for organizations using multiple devices as endpoint solutions ensure that software fixes and security updates containing bug fixes are applied evenly to all devices once these updates and fixes are released.

Offer cybersecurity awareness training to all your employees. It is not only important for businesses and their workforce, but also for individual users. Most cyberattacks start with a phishing email; therefore, all employees need to know how to identify these attacks and respond once they suspect one.

Use multi-factor authentication. It requires people to provide at least two pieces of evidence that prove their identity before they can access the account, device, or resource. MFA is a highly effective and authentic way of blocking unauthorized users from accessing your accounts or devices.

Beware of attachments and downloads. This simply can’t be exaggerated. You should never download anything from an unknown or unreliable source and never ever open suspicious emails or attachments or links sent to you from strangers.

Conclusion

This year’s cyberattacks have been menacing, fierce, and really scary, and they continue to pose a threat to our online security. To be capable of fighting these attackers, you first need to know what they are and what harm they can cause to your data and devices. Now that you know the five scariest cyber threats, you can start implementing ways to steer clear of them. Organizations and individuals can still defend their data, devices, and networks against cybersecurity risks by employing the few measures mentioned in this blog. These are simple yet very powerful and effective in keeping creepy hackers and dangerous attacks away from you.

Hariom Balhara is an inventive person who has been doing intensive research in particular topics and writing blogs and articles for E Global Soft Solutions. E Global Soft Solutions is a digital marketing, seo, smo, ppc and web development company that comes with massive experiences. We specialize in digital marketing, web designing and development, graphic design, and a lot more.

SOURCE : Beware of These Scary Cyber Threats This Halloween

#E Global Soft Solutions #Halloween #Cyber Threats #RANSOMWARE #digital marketing #SEO

0 notes

sweetnestor · 7 years ago

Text

12 Days | Chapter 8.2

Two guys that lowkey hate each other are forced to walk in each other’s shoes in order to learn a lesson.

***in collaboration with @themarkiplierexperience

lmao soz its not actually x reader we’re just desperate for attention haaaa

“I want to ask what the origin story behind this is, but I think I’m better off not knowing,” Tom typed. He attached a “selfie” wearing a bright blue shirt with the word “Wowie” printed on it in a strange fashion. Then, he sent the whole thing to Ethan.

He did see the other texts from the boy that he received the evening before, but Tom was dying to show this to him now. He finally had a look at what Ethan’s “merch” was like. To say he was not expecting “wowie” on a t-shirt was an understatement. Why “wowie”?

Halfway through editing this video, Tom kind of despised Ethan… and he definitely hated the word “Wowie” with a burning passion. It wasn’t all bad, though. Tom had spent the day with a funny pair of people: Parker and Andrew. He didn’t have to consciously act like Ethan to get along with the pair. They were so graciously weird that seeing their friend act out of character was considered normal for them… if that made any sense. The three of them, along with Amy, made a video together that was about this awful blue t-shirt. A promotional video, and instead of having a whole filming crew complete with camera men and editors, it was all self made. It was impressive, don’t get him wrong, but Tom only thrived when he was on camera, not behind the scenes.

It was a minute and a half long video, yet it was taking ages for him to put it all together. Not to mention, Tom was awaiting an update from Ethan about Zendaya. Earlier, he had said that she wanted to talk, and god knows what that was supposed to mean. On top of that, Bella was getting a little harder to handle.

Tom had invited her to come along to shoot the video, but she had gotten immensely sheepish and timid when she heard about the people who would be joining them. She made an excuse about having emails to answer and business Skype meetings to have. She only returned to his apartment after hearing that Parker, Andrew, and Amy had left for the day, and even then she just stayed in the living room while Tom finished the video. Weird, but whatever.

A few hours later, Tom could say he was proud of what he had created. The video was very sarcastic, and kind of funny, but it got the message across: “Buy this ugly ass shirt.” Really, he didn’t see the appeal, but Ethan’s fans sure did. The shirt had been on sale on Ethan’s merch store all month, and as of today, there were only ten days left to buy it. Tom learned all of this through Parker, who had a hand in running the store. Thank god he wasn’t left in completely in the dark.

Thing is, Tom easily learned about different aspects of this kid’s life. He knew the girlfriend, a good amount of the friends, and just enough about his personality to get by. The hard part was the YouTube stuff, because everyone around him assumed that he knew what he was doing. They all assumed he was Ethan. How bizarre would it be if Ethan just suddenly asked for help on the basics of editing a simple video? How long would it be for someone to figure that this wasn’t Ethan, that it was somebody else? What would they do, besides throw him in an asylum?

A knock on the bedroom door snapped Tom out of his thoughts. He pulled off his headphones and granted access.

Bella came in, an unreadable expression on her face. “Hey…”

“Hi, love,” Tom greeted, turning in his chair to face her.

She stepped in, looking around the room as she tangled her fingers together. “I don’t mean to interrupt you, I’m just…” She sighed. “This is really stupid, like really stupid…”

“Oh, how bad could it be?” he asked, putting on a kind smile, despite how nervous the sudden tension made him.

Bella picked at her nails to fill the silence. But she finally asked in a soft voice, “why didn’t you ask me to be in your video?”

Honestly, Tom had been hoping she had that conversation with her real boyfriend. Even he found it weird that the “talking to women” bit from the video starred Amy. Why not Bella? It probably wasn’t something to fuss about, but the girl’s nerves radiated for miles, it made Tom himself feel like he had done something wrong. He didn’t even know how to respond.

“I mean, you and Parker came up with the video idea like what? Two weeks ago,” she rambled, “and you guys came up with the ‘talking to girls’ thing and your first thought was Amy? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I-I mean she did come up with the shirt design…”

Ah, so that was the culprit.

“I-It’s not that I wanted to slap you - uh, fake slap you for a video,” Bella went on, her voice getting shaky, “i-it’s just you didn’t think to ask me, I don’t know. Am I freaking out over nothing?”

“You freak out over everything,” Tom said without thinking. There was a small pause before he turned back to the computer.

“I know, it’s what I do,” Bella said, not seeming offended by that statement. “It probably wasn’t a big deal. I shouldn’t have bothered you, sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. Any other thoughts, concerns?” It was half sarcastic, but she took the bait.

“I’ve been… having dreams…”

Ethan was supposed to know that tone, what that particular phrase meant. Tom, on the other hand, was clueless.

“Naughty dreams?”

“No.” Bella’s tone was serious now. She paced around the small recording space, still picking at her nails. “Bad dreams. I’ve had dreams like this before… Ethan, please don’t make me say it.”

It had been five days since the switch, five days of being this girl’s boyfriend, and Tom was getting more and more impatient.

“Don’t talk about it then,” he said with a shrug. “If it’s really that scary, or disturbing, or whatever it is... then you don’t need to speak of it.”

Again, it was silent. Tom definitely said the wrong thing, but he didn’t know how to handle a girl with anxiety. He could barely handle Zendaya, even though he hoped to fix things with her.

“You’re probably right,” Bella spoke at last. She turned on her heel towards the door. “No one wants to remember that time, especially me.” She stopped at the doorway and looked back at him. “Oh, and I just figured out why I was freaking out over Amy. It’s been almost a year since Mark left me for her.”

Whoa. What would Ethan say to that? What would Ethan think about his girlfriend mentioning her ex?

Speaking of the ex, Tom’s phone dinged on his desk. Mark had texted him. Admittedly, Tom wasn’t really texting anyone consistently apart from Ethan. He had also ignored Mark’s texts from the other day, so there was a chance he wasn’t on good terms with the boss.

“Hey look man, I don’t know what’s going on with you lately, but I need an answer. Are you going to be returning to work anytime soon? Or do we need to make a public statement that you don’t work for me anymore? I’m not trying to put pressure on you, or anything with malice. I just need to know what’s going on business wise.”

Public statement? So the fans knew Mark had editors? And there had to be something said publicly when something changed behind the scenes? Is that how YouTube works?

“I think my girlfriend is hung up on you, you’re the last person I need to see right now,” Tom typed for literally no other reason except to see if it sounded like something his other half would say. He chuckled to himself after deeming that it was too ridiculous and out of line and went to delete it…

You know when you mean to do one thing but instead do another? Yeah, Tom somehow mixed up the ‘send’ key and the ‘backspace’ key, and well…

“Fuck!” he snapped, sitting up in his chair, watching as the angry text sent. “No, no, no, no! Shit!”

Oh god, Ethan was so fired.

Tom didn’t have the heart to tell Ethan about the wonderful conversation he had with Mark following that text. He read through the messages he received while he was editing over and over again just to avoid telling him what went down. Ethan seemed excited to be in Montreal.

“So guess I have a workout tomorrow morning? Wish me luck bc I’ll actually die.” That’ll be fun to hear about, but it didn’t settle the knot in Tom’s stomach.

“I’m almost ok with the switch if it means getting to stay in this house dude it’s so nice?? I’m never leaving.” Tom was not okay with the switch. He wanted to be in that house right now, leave Ethan with the mess that he made.

“I finished the wowie video. I hate the word wowie. Please never say it again,” he typed and sent before reading the rest of the texts. He noticed that Ethan will either be completely silent, or send multiple texts at once. No in between.

“Also,,,,, fuck kinda friendship you got with Harrison? You give each other lap dances???” Ethan asked. Oh no. Oh god. “Not judging, just wish I’d known you were rejecting zendaya for ur best m8 lolol.”

Tom literally groaned out loud and palmed his forehead. Then, he frantically sent, “IT WASNOTHING WE DONT SPEAK OF IT SHUT UP.” No way he was getting into that with this guy. He wouldn’t understand.

The next message didn’t help very much. “Speaking of Daya, we talked today. She asked abot how you feel and what you thought you 2 had going on. Made it clear it was her choice what happened, but that you’re just friends? Idk man how DO you feel?”

“Anyway, the videos were good. Much better than Tyler’s first edits for sure. Good job, I’m impressed.”

“Shooting starts tomorrow so I’m off to learn everything there is to know about acting…….. By watching some movie wiht the guys, gn.”

Tom sat there for a few minutes, trying to word any of the thoughts in his head. Why couldn’t have Ethan made the Zendaya decision for him? He seems like a nice guy, he’s had a girlfriend for six months, and she didn’t seem tired of him!

“I’ll deal with her when we switch back… by the way when are we gonna switch back??? Anyway, have a good night mate, have a pint for me!”

_____

tag list: @beardedsteveslut @marie-is-in-the-dark @ohsnapitzmoony

_____

#crankgameplays x oc #ethan nestor x reader #tom holland x oc #tom holland x reader #sweetheart writes #sweetheart collabs #twelve days #drama? drama #it aint a fanfic without some petty ass drama #bella was patient with tom but will mark be??#tbh idek yet idek what imma do for the next chapter #these are all made at the last minute guys pls give us attention #also the tom/harrison/we dont speak of it thing #was from a text post i saw on here one time #so i slid it to sam's dm's and was like dude #we gotta #tbh idk what they did that night #we may never know #hehehehehehehe

11 notes · View notes

theslowliferp · 4 years ago

Text

What's My Next Career Step?

“WE DON’T NORMALLY GET PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN HERE”

SAID THE JOB COACH.

I gotta be honest I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

My mind monkey had no point of reference and in it’s state of wanting to appear positive… is a high five appropriate in Newquay Job Centre?

Until this year I’ve never sat in a job centre in my life. Ever.

Since my “accident” I’ve always worked.

After being in hospital for 6 months, it was clear I went back to my job way too soon. I rocked up at the bank with my zimmer frame and shuffled around, before progressing to crutches and my very sexy “grandad” walking sticks. Most of the customers were more mobile than me and they were over 80 years old.

Not working makes me incredibly unhappy and anxious.

A “hard work” ethic is part of my belief system and my identity (something I’m changing as part of living a Slow Life).

It might be worth checking in with yourself while reading this...

- is hard work part of your identity too? -

Being signed off “sick” and all it entails is a new experience for me and not all interactions have been pleasant, like the time I had to sit through a job centre meeting while having a panic attack.

A stone-faced lady plodded through her computer questions like it was totally normal to have a grown and sane woman sat in front of her rocking and shaking with streams of uncontrollable tears free-flowing down her face.

How do we get so jaded with our jobs that the basics of humanity… connection and empathy are dissolved so completely? Despite the state I was in, my heart broke for her and I silently sent her some much needed love.

- also in that moment I realised I rub my knees during a panic attack… maybe she’d seen too much Vic Reeves and was concerned about my intentions -

Thankfully my new job coach is incredibly empathic which has been such a relief, though I’ve told her that I still feel violently sick every time I’ve got to see her and not to take it personally.

She laughed.

I’m taking that as a good sign.

Despite wanting to vomit every time I’ve got a meeting with my lovely Job Coach…

Receive a scary, official looking letter in the post…

Hear the ping of an email notification stating “you need to read a message in your Universal Credit journal”…

This whole experience has been an AMAZING lesson that I’m really grateful for receiving. For the first time and first-hand, I’m able understand how “The System” works, especially for us non-comformists.

When a job centre worker asks me…

“What did you used to do before”

There’s always a distinct shift in their face, energy and manner when I answer them. It’s a positive shift that more than once has been followed by the opening words of this journal entry…

We don’t normally get people like you in here.

I’m not just observing them when this happens but also myself, my ego. I’m talking Eckhart Tolle’s description of ego not a big inflated sense of self-importance, though sometimes that can be part of it too.

Why am I suddenly treated differently?

Why does it matter what my career was before this point?

Each and every one of us is equally important.

My mind monkey always feels surprise and also relief that I’m suddenly treated a bit more like a human being, followed by guilt and shame because it shouldn’t matter whether my previous role was a Business Development Consultant or a Shelf Stacker in the local super market.

We’re all guilty of it...…

Prejudice.

There’s lots of reasons why we end up in a “job” that makes us feel varying crappy emotions (from fed up to completely miserable) but one of them is the prejudice we all carry inside us.

I’m not sure where this comes from but I have a feeling that it was seeded early on, while a teenager at school.

Young Children hold no prejudice.

I remember the shocked look on my friend’s face when her 6 year old daughter came home from the very exclusive, private school she attended and declared she wanted to be a “Waste Management Professional” or Garbage (wo)man.

Someone had come in to deliver a talk about their job as a WMP and she was totally won over by the whole idea.

I wish we all retained the genuinely open curiosity of childhood.

What happens when we think like children?

We let go of prejudices and open ourselves to new people and opportunities without judgement.

We forget the “rules” and release expectations both our own and other people’s.

We start to live a life of true freedom.

It’s like we’re playing Monopoly without the rule book and everybody else knows the rules by heart. Ever tried playing to your own rules?

People can’t handle it.

Non-comformists don’t even get a mention in the Rule Book. We go off-script from the start of our careers, we pass GO and collect our $200 no matter what anybody else tries to tell us.

A life of freedom means preparing ourselves for confusion and frustration, not our own but other people’s.

Last time a job centre advisor spoke to me about my future she stated she had no idea what to do with me and that’s cool because I know exactly what I need to do and that’s what matters most.

Whether I can do it without breaking their entire “Rule Book” is another matter.

I’m going to give it my best shot.

#job centre #career coaching #new job #self employed #starting a business

0 notes

newstechreviews · 5 years ago

Link

When Caitie Bossart returned to the U.S. from a weeklong trip to the U.K., her dating life ought to have been the least of her problems. A part-time nanny looking for full-time work, she found her inbox filled with messages from companies that had instituted hiring freezes and from families who no longer wanted to bring a babysitter into their homes in response to the spread of COVID-19. Her aunt, whom she had been living with, prevailed upon Bossart to isolate herself at an Airbnb for 14 days upon her return, even as Bossart’s economic future looked uncertain.

At least Bossart wouldn’t be alone: She had met a great guy on the dating app Hinge about a month before her trip and had gone on five dates with him. She liked him, more than anyone she’d ever dated. When their state issued stay-at-home orders, they decided to hole up together. They ordered takeout and watched movies. In lieu of visiting museums or restaurants, they took long walks. They built a bond that felt at once artificial—trying to keep things light, they avoided the grimmer coronavirus-related topics that might dim the honeymoon period of a relationship—and promising. Under no other circumstance would they have spent such uninterrupted time together, and over the course of their confinement, her feelings for him grew.

But six days into it, Bossart’s crush was ordered to self-isolate for 14 days so he could take up a six-month job posting abroad. On top of job anxiety, worries about her living situation and stress about her family’s health, Bossart faced the prospect of not seeing this man for the better part of a year.

“I’m 35, which is that ‘dreaded age’ for women, or whatever,” she says. “I don’t know if I should wait, if I can wait. It’s scary.”

Since COVID-19 swept across the U.S., much has been made—and rightly so—of the plights of families facing economic and social upheaval: how co-habitating couples are adapting to sharing a workspace at home, how parents are juggling work with teaching their children trigonometry while schools are closed, how people cannot visit their parents or older relatives, even on their deathbeds, for fear of spreading the virus.

The challenges faced by singles, though, particularly millennials and those of Gen Z, have often been fodder for comedy. Instagram users are creating accounts dedicated to screenshotting terrible dating app pickup lines like, “If the virus doesn’t take you out, can I?” Twitter users have jumped to compare the situation with the Netflix reality series Love Is Blind, in which contestants talk to each other in isolated pods, unable to see or touch their dates. But for singles who have yet to find partners much less start families, isolation means the loss of that portion of life most young adults count on to forge grown-up friendships and romantic relationships.

Katia RepinaA couple in Domino Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on April 4th, 2020.

These digital natives, who through online apps have enjoyed a freedom to manage their social lives and romantic entanglements that previous generations lacked—swiping left or right, ghosting a bore, scheduling a late-night hookup—now find themselves unable to exercise that independence. And for those who graduated from college into the last great recession with heavy student debt, there is the added worry of staring into another financial abyss as everything from gig work to full-time employment evaporates. Just as they were on the cusp of full-on adulthood, their futures are more in doubt than ever.

A 28-year-old woman who works in fashion and lives alone in New York echoed Bossart’s sentiments about her life being derailed. “The loneliness has definitely started to hit. I have great friends and family, but a relationship is still missing, and who knows when that will be back up and running,” she says. “I would be lying if I said my biological clock hadn’t crossed my mind. I have plenty of time, but if this lasts 6 months—it just means that much longer before I can eventually have a baby.”

Keep up to date with our daily coronavirus newsletter by clicking here.

That sense of mild dread is legitimate and widely shared, if rarely spoken aloud, and will only become more common as orders to isolate spread across the country.

Dacher Keltner, a University of California, Berkeley sociologist who studies the impact of touch, worries about the long-term impact of social distancing on singles who live alone. He contends the fabric of society is held together by even the smallest physical contact. “Touch is as important a social condition as anything,” Keltner says. “It reduces stress. It makes people trust one another. It allows for cooperation. When you look at people in solitary confinement suffering from touch deprivation, you see that people lose a sense that someone’s got their back, that they’re part of a community and connected to others.”

Worse still, loneliness can affect an individual’s health. Studies have shown extreme loneliness is associated with the immune system increasing inflammation. “Under normal circumstances, when you feel lonely, you run the risk of a stressed, compromised health profile,” Keltner says. “Add to that the quarantine, and that really elevates the severity.”

Katia RepinaA couple in Domino Park in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on April 4th, 2020.

And then there’s the obvious carnal problem. The New York Board of Health issued guidelines on sex in the time of coronavirus, encouraging New Yorkers to avoid hookups and gently suggesting substituting masturbation for intercourse: “You are your safest sex partner.” The hilariously blatant government warning quickly went viral on social networks, but as the reality of abstinence has set in for New Yorkers, people are starting to wonder how their comfort with physical intimacy may forever be changed. Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases and a key member of the White House’s coronavirus task force, has already said, “I don’t think we should ever shake hands ever again.” Keltner adds that singles might fundamentally alter how they interact with strangers on first dates: Even once there is a cure for the coronavirus or the pandemic passes, an entire generation will think twice before hugging a stranger on a first, second, even third date.

“Right now, sex feels like something I may never have again,” said the anonymous New Yorker working in fashion. “People are going to have to start getting creative in terms of contact with men. Skype sex may get really popular. But how long can that last?” How we date during coronavirus is already shifting, perhaps permanently.

We are social creatures and of course will find ways to continue to date—primarily via Skype, FaceTime, Zoom and other video call apps. “Romantic love will never die,” says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute who has conducted hundreds of MRI scans on smitten people to see love’s effect on our brains. She says that our brains treat romantic love as a central need, like thirst and hunger. “Thirst and hunger aren’t going to die, and neither are feelings of love and attachment that allow you to pass your DNA to the next generation,” she says. Plus, novel times trigger dopamine in the brain, and we are certainly living through novel times.

Home, alone and in some cases without a job, single people are spending more time swiping right on dating apps to find love, particularly in the cities hardest hit by the virus: Bumble reports a 21% increase in messages sent in Seattle, 23% increase in New York City and 26% increase in San Francisco since March 12, a day after the World Health Organization labeled the coronavirus a global pandemic. The use of in-app video chatting on Bumble, a feature many users didn’t even know existed before the coronavirus spread, increased 93% across the country between March 13—the day President Donald Trump declared a national emergency—and March 27, with in-app calls and video chats averaging 29 minutes. Hinge, similarly, saw a 30% increase in messaging on the app in March, compared to February, and has responded by launching an in-app “date from home” feature that, if both users agree, launches a video chat or phone call.

Even those resistant to dating online are open to changing their habits. “I told my parents if this is why I die alone, it will be truly tragic,” jokes Tina Chen, 28. Chen works for a professional volleyball league and travels the country for tournaments, a routine that is on hold while COVID-19 spreads. Chen’s temporary move to her parents’ home in Los Angeles feels increasingly permanent as stay-at-home orders drag on. Chen has never been into online dating but admits if the quarantine lasts several more months, that may change. “If my time were to go soon-ish,” she says, “I want to have had the experience of life-long love.”

Some singles are getting creative. Chelsea Mao and Anna Li, students at the Wharton Business School at the University of Pennsylvania, started a Love Is Blind experiment, inspired by the Netflix series, for business school students to meet and talk through emails. They floated the idea to classmates and received 2200 submissions from students at 21 schools across the U.S.

Mao and Li, who are also participating, have received long, thoughtful missives via email, far different from the pithy chats on dating apps that tend to focus on sorting out logistics for in-person meetings. “But without that as an option, the conversations have been longer and more meaningful,” says Li, who exchanged notes with a mystery date about their backgrounds and personal struggles.

Adds Mao: “I have learned more about some of these people from a few emails than I would have from months of dating them in the usual school setting.”

Still, in-person chemistry is hard to replicate. A charmer over text might turn out to be a dud in person without the time, thesaurus or roommate to aid in witty repartee. And texting conversations on apps can drag on for days, weeks or even months and never lead to an actual date.

That’s why Fisher used to offer one cardinal piece of advice to people on dating apps: Meet the person as soon as possible. And yet, in the age of COVID-19, she has become surprisingly bullish on dating at a distance. “Everybody thinks this is a bad time for dating. I think this is an extremely good time for dating,” she says. “Sex is off the table, so you actually have to sit down and really get to know someone. Because the most important thing to look for in a partner is having a good conversation.”

Katia RepinaA couple having a conversation in Prospect Park, Brooklyn on April 5th, 2020.

Stripped of the ambiance of a restaurant or the taste of food, the quality of the conversation on a date comes into focus. “People definitely have to improve their conversation skills. There’s more talking on video chat than there would be in a loud bar,” says David, a 25-year-old engineer in Philadelphia who did not want to be identified by his last name for work-related reasons. “It’s also definitely helped my wallet.” He usually pays for the first date but calculates he is saving hundreds by not going out, a factor no doubt high in the minds of many online daters as unemployment soars.

Across the country, Bumble is seeing more “quality chats”—based on the length of messages people exchange in the app and how long the conversations last. And studies show a longer courting period translates to a more stable marriage. Fisher is confident this quarantine period will lead to a boom in weddings.

In theory, everyone on dating apps shares something in common right now and thus has the perfect opening conversation. That can build a sense of solidarity and even empathy among strangers trying to navigate the same challenges together, but singles who spoke with TIME—mostly in their 20s and 30s but also a handful older than 50—complained it also feels impossible to transition to other topics. Trying to suss out someone’s politics? The conversation will likely focus on Trump’s handling of the outbreak. Like sports? Debates over whether LeBron James is the greatest of all time came to a halt when the NBA postponed the season. Want to talk movies? The discussion inevitably winds its way to the fact that Tom Hanks tested positive for COVID-19. Viruses do not make for light conversation.

That’s particularly true for people like Bossart, who are weighed down by financial concerns. “A guy messaged me on a dating app, ‘how are you doing?’” she says. “I didn’t even know what to say because I’m not feeling great about my job situation right now. So I just stopped responding.”

Assuming singles find a connection, video dates can only go so far. Zachary Wobensmith, a 50-year-old actor in New York City, has remained skeptical of video chatting. Not only does dating during the pandemic sound like more work—coming up with creative ways to maintain the spark even as the lockdown drags on—he wonders if he’s got the willpower to resist temptation and abide by the rules of social isolation. “This sounds terrible, but if I found someone I liked, at a certain point I would risk it and meet them in person,” he says. “Human contact is difficult to go without.”

Courtesy of Gretchen Wobensmith Zachary Wobensmith on his 50th birthday in New York.

The Wharton students conducting the Love Is Blind experiment have heard rumors of couples who connected through the program meeting up for long-distance walks together. “It feels like we live in such innocent times that we were scandalized by people going on walks, but we are,” says Li.

Fisher has her own view: “We are a touching animal, if this carries on, I think we’re going to see speakeasies emerge where people meet in clandestine fashion and hug or even have sex.”

Whether pop-up hugging speakeasies take off or not, we don’t yet know the long-term consequences of coronavirus on our day-to-day interactions. Several singles TIME interviewed speculated that even after social distancing rules are lifted, they would continue to use distance dating as a step in the courtship process, a way to screen people before they actually meet in person. Others suggested it would take months or even years before they are comfortable shaking hands with a stranger or hugging them on a first date.

Keltner, the touch expert at Berkeley, worries about the long-term mental health ramifications on a society in isolation. Statistics on solitary confinement are difficult to acquire because the prison system limits studies on prisoners, but data suggest that people deprived of social interactions for even just a few weeks are 30-40% more likely to suffer from depression and suicidal ideation. While social distancing in an apartment with virtual access to friends, family and coworkers is hardly the same as extreme isolation, public health experts are worried about spikes in anxiety and depression during the pandemic—feelings that will not automatically disappear when people go outside again.

“If you look at it from an evolutionary perspective, for millions of years we had tactile contact like hugs,” says Keltner. “Every relationship has been built and held together by complicated nonverbal language, beginning with parent and child. It’s part of our social fabric. I worry about what happens when as a society we lose those modes of communication for a time.”

Yet some of those searching online for their long-term partners are optimistic that COVID-19 might fundamentally change people’s behavior for the better.

Rebecca, a New York City doctor who asked that her last name be excluded for work-related reasons, says she has been able to learn plenty about her dates virtually—perhaps even more than if she met them on-line, since a glimpse into their apartments on video chat is a glimpse into their daily lives. She says she’s able to determine about “80%” of in-person chemistry on her virtual dates, and while it’s difficult to resist flouting the rules and meeting up, “if it is worth it, you will make it work,” she says. “It’s physical distancing, not social distancing. And I’m determined to continue to be social.”

Alex Muetzel, 29, who works in recruiting for New York University but is currently self-quarantining in his parents’ basement in Ohio, is spending less time on dating apps overall, but more time talking to the men he meets on them — a change from the days when he might quickly move on if there was not an immediate spark.

Courtesy of Florian KrischAlex Muetzel in Miami, Florida.

“I’ve met a lot of guys who I’m sure are great, but if you’re not really into it right away, you have so many other options on the apps, you don’t give them a second chance,” he says. Now, without the opportunity to meet someone for a quick coffee or drink, there’s time for conversation, even with people he might not have spent time with before.

“I wonder if people will change their priorities,” he says.

Rebecca already has. She’s found it easy to rule out an entire category of online suitors: those who reveal they’re not respecting quarantine rules. Clearly, such a reckless person is not boyfriend material.

#Blogger

0 notes

u2shops · 5 years ago

Text

Affiliate Rescue

You have tried promoting an affiliate product in the past. You sent good traffic to the affiliate site but made just 1 or 2 sales (or zero sales). You have tried promoting an affiliate product in the past. But you didn't manage to generate more than 5-10 visitors to the affiliate site. You have tried promoting an affiliate product in the past. You made good commissions. But you paid so much in advertising that you barely broke even - or even worse, you lost money You have purchased ebook after ebook after ebook. They all promise a great money making "system". But when you try to apply the system, it's really more complicated than it sounded - and it only appears to work for "others." You are tired of waiting weeks and months before you start seeing any results after you optimize a website for the search engines. You are sick and tired of Google changing their rules all the time - but you don't know how else to promote your offers - so you "swallow it" and keep fighting the good fight - even though you feel that this is a dead end. You feel frustrated and uncertain of the future - even though you know that you are worth way more than you are getting paid right now (at your job or in your home-based business). I have good news for you! AffiliateRescue: Make Money Online - on a Budget! contains very few simple but devastatingly effective ways to make a living online. These methods: - Are free or extremely cheap to use - Start showing results instantly - Are very simple to implement Granted, you will not become a millionaire by using these tactics. But, if you want to make an extra $1,000, $3,000, $5000 or more per month in a safe way, then this guide is for you. Then, you can use these profits to further build your business (like buy advertising or outsource some of the work). Or, you can just keep using the same techniques since they work like a charm. It's your choice. I have been marketing online for over 6 years. I have had some great successes as well as some miserable failures. But, whatever I did, I always took note of what worked (and why) and what didn't work (and why). How to start when you have almost no money: bankrupt, broke and on the run. Right now, you may be having financial difficulties. I will give you some smart ideas to get out of this unpleasant situation (without robbing a bank). How to find affiliate programs to promote. You will discover the easiest ways to find affiliate programs worth promoting - as well as some little-known products that pay well but not many people promote. How to promote affiliate products online – the right way. Let the controversy begin. I will show you how to "tinker" with the merchant's site and increase your affiliate commissions 100%, 200% or more. Some of these methods ain' pretty - but they work like gang busters... How to get preferential treatment from merchants. I will show you how to negotiate higher commissions from merchants - without sounding needy. These methods are pretty evil, if I say so myself... Email marketing and how to create killer follow up messages that make you money on autopilot. You may have read entire "bibles" on email marketing. I will give you in a couple of pages what you really need to keep in mind. Do this, do that. How to use forums to kick-start your promotions, test your marketing message, make sales, build credibility in your market and build a list. Oh, and if you think you know how to REALLY market on forums, don't bet your house on it :-) How to tap into the online service "Yahoo Answers" to gain market intelligence and tap into people who are ready to buy your product. Almost everyone is "working the system" the wrong way! I'll show you how it's really done. How to get on the first page of the search engines for the best possible terms. And no, this has got nothing to do with "long tail" keywords or building "content sites". We are lazy so we'll take a shortcut that results in less work and more money! (now that's my kinda system :-). And much, much more! 12 Pages of Bonus Material Just Added!

As Known As The GURU Piggyback Yes. By this time next week, you will be raking in cool commissions running your own affiliate business. I've uncovered how some smart affiliates are making a killing online selling other people's products.... Discover... How to get started and profit in 7 days or less. The best kinds of products to promote using this method Discover the 8 traffic techniques I use. Ride on the popularity of GURUS to promote your own business Choose domain names that will speed up your success rate 24 Minutes of Video Just Added!

Affiliate Marketing Revealed

95% Off People Fail At Affiliate Marketing... Be the Other 5%! What you need is an edge, and playing the game also means that there are risks involved no matter how well you play. What you must learn is the solution to the most simple yet most complex equation that marketers in general are faced with. Minimize the risks, maximize the profit, and repeating it. Discover... What is Affiliate Marketing and why you should become an Affiliate Marketer Affiliate Marketing is one the quickest ways for you to start a home-based Internet business without producing your own products, worry about staying up late to take care of customer service, inventory, overheads, and more. You are selling other people's products and earning commissions that reward you. Things Every Newbie Should Know Before Becoming an Affiliate Marketer Don't know where to start? Signing up with too many E-newsletters to find the best way to make money in this industry? Stop right there. Everything has a starting point, but being a newbie doesn’t have to be scary. Don't overwhelm yourself and you will learn five tips you need to know before getting up and running. Different Types of Affiliate Marketing Revenue Sources There is not just one way to make money in Affiliate Marketing; in fact there are many more. The question that may be in your mind is what type of affiliate program should you choose? Which one is better for you? ...and which was is not the best for you? You'll learn how to figure that out. How to Find the Right Affiliate Program to Join Finding the right affiliate program that you are passionate about can be frustrating. There are thousands of affiliate programs out there, so which one should you choose? It can be a challenge when you don't know where to start, but you'll learn how to quickly pinpoint programs that are right for you so you can be passionate about them. How You Can Find The Best Affiliate Programs Finding the highest converting and reliable affiliate program is very important because you are going to be putting your hard work into promoting the affiliate program. Not only do you want to find something you believe in, but you'll want to be making a good profit from it. 5 Reasons why people fail in Affiliate Marketing As you learned earlier, more than 95% of people starting as affiliate marketers fail and you'll learn 5 reasons so you can avoid them to increase your success. 4 Ways to succeed in Affiliate Marketing with a Website Having a website is vital to branding your name on the Internet. As a matter of fact, having a website or landing page can often increase your conversions vs. not have a website at all. Not having a website it not required however, but you'll learn 4 ways that you can succeed with one. 4 Ways to succeed in Affiliate Marketing without a Website A website is definitely recommended, but it is not always mandatory. You'll learn a few ways to succeed without a website. Using Affiliate Programs to make Long Term Residual Income If you don't know what residual income is, then you are missing out. You see...instead of earning a commission for one time sales, you can make continuous commissions on a monthly, quarterly, continuing basis. Looking to a long term residual income will save you time and allow you to increase your profits down the road. How to Protect and Cloak Your Affiliate Links There are thieves out there on the Internet who can steal your commission. Don't worry, there are ways to protect your affiliate links, but you need to know this right away. You can cloak or hide your affiliate links with short redirects. If I started marketing online all over again - without any "marketing buddies" to help me, without a list and with almost no money left, this is the exact system I would use to start making online NOW. "I wished you had not shared some of the online marketing secrets..." Good, short and well written report! Initially, I wished you had not shared some of the online marketing secrets based on the principles of leverage and human psychology because I have to react faster now. But on second thought, it is a matter of time the little nuggets will be out. If it is not you, it would be someone else revealing it. Marketers who are profiting from it will have to share their pies now. I won't be surprised if a few people find some techniques you are sharing questionable, black hat and hard to swallow. But you know what, these are exactly what experienced affiliate marketers do in the competitive online world. I am not saying I approve them but that is the reality which even white hat marketers have to be aware of to keep an eye on who they are competing. Your traffic techniques are simple enough for people new in this business to follow, perhaps including a section on generating traffic via eBay would make it perfect. Anyone who says you need JV buddies and a deep pocket for paid advertising to start marketing and earning online should get a copy and read it. :-) Adam Lok http://www.AllenSaysSecrets.com "I can use the idea to help me create free publicity" Hi, George. Your new product has a very good point. Now I can use the idea to help me create free publicity. Have a nice day. Dr. Steven Lee (Ph.D) http://www.fatNrich.com #1 Best-Selling Author of Creating Wealth in Stock Market "There isn't any rocket science, everybody can fulfill this plan" I wasn't concerned with affiliate marketing till now because it was of little use for me. But George's book shows it at a different angle. It is a solid material without any water or blah. George suggests an exact algorithm, simple but comprehensive plan of actions. There isn't any rocket science, everybody can fulfill this plan. I've read many ebooks about affiliate marketing before. Some of them contained almost nothing but twaddle. Others suggested rather complicated schemas, such as building websites optimized for hundreds of keywords. I simply hadn't enough patience for that sort of work. George shows how to drive substantial traffic by optimizing website for one key phrase only! Now I want to try my affiliate marketing using what I've learned from George. I wish I have this book a couple of years before. Alexander Yurgelenas http://cyberinf.com "If you don't hear from me for awhile, at least you will know why" Just finished reading your new product and I must say that I enjoyed what I learned from it. Until reading this report I had never really been given such detailed information on creating my signature file. Now I have many ideas swimming inside my head! So much to do-so little time. The part about adding tracking links was most interesting simply because of the simplicity involved. Who needs a special piece of software (read 'expensive') to accomplish what you just stated in 3 short paragraphs? And now I have to start working on the information that you gave on Squidoo since I just created 2 new lenses. If you don't hear from me for awhile, at least you will know why now. Thanks once more for a great source of information. Gary Graham http://www.myeasymoneymakers.com/4STEP/ "Your "right way" of setting up affiliate promotion is sneaky, but brilliant!" I've always enjoyed your different perspective on things and this time wasn't different. Your "right way" of setting up affiliate promotion is sneaky, but brilliant! I will definitely use it soon, specially the domain and the redirection trick. (I figured I've been loosing every 6th sale on Clickbank due to stolen commissions!). I completely agree about the part about posting on forums - I still get visitors from a post I did 7 years ago! And the Yahoo Answers bit is brilliant and I'm definitely going to use it. Chris Gozdzik http://www.dowsingtips.com Dowsing Secrets Revealed. "Everything you need to know about DOWSING to make your life easier!" "Hard hitting and informative based on real life experience, absolutely.." Not only did the content exceed my expectations, I was blown away by the no holds barred approach to the subjects included. - a bit controversial, perhaps... - hard hitting and informative based on real life experience, absolutely.. - wordy BS, added fluff and hype, none at all.. George, I spent many years as a tradesman, and I've always said that there is a world of difference between a person who knows a trade, and a person who knows how to make a living with that trade. Anyone who knows you as an internet marketer George, knows that you know your stuff, and the Make Money on a Budget report speaks volumes to that fact. I particularly found the parts on the use of Forums and Yahoo Answers as valuable marketing tools to be quite an eye opener as ways to generate vast amounts of 'free' qualified traffic to one's website. There is a wealth of information contained (both do's and don'ts) in these sections that will benefit every online marketer whose is serious about their online business. I look forward to your affiliate program so I can practice what you preach. Cheers, Dale T. CanadianWebSource.com "Your method of getting product owners to cough up more than the "official" affilliate commission for selling their product is hard boiled brilliance" I for one am so glad to have had the opportunity to review your exciting new product, "Make Money -on A Budget!". The ebook is written with your blood of battle worn experience as a clear view road map for budding internet marketers with advertising budgets on life support to finally get some money coming through the door after many failed attempts to grab the slipery internet brass ring. I especially like your under the radar methods of generating quality traffic from niche authority forums without spending twenty hours a day being a post junkie! And your method of getting product owners to cough up more than the "official" affilliate commission for selling their product is hard boiled brilliance. It's rather oblvious once explained, but only a thimble full of ultra marketers like you know how to do it. Lastly, you write as if you are talking to a well liked cousin ( we all have the ones we don't like!) who you want to see succeed. Very conversational and straight to the sweet spot style. Not a trace of GURU ego tripping fluff is contained. TWO BIG THUMBS UP GEORGE! Robert Blake, Philadelphia "Beginners especially, but even experienced marketers will get plenty of immediate profit generating ideas from this book" George makes a promise on the very first page to "keep things simple". He keeps that promise. He manages to cram in a remarkable amount of valuable step-by-step information that will actually help you "make money" online using free, or almost free, affiliate promotion and traffic generation techniques. No long-winded dialogue here. Just concise, easily implemented techniques to boost your online earnings. Beginners especially, but even experienced marketers will get plenty of immediate profit generating ideas from this book. And it's little more than a one hour read! David Neehly http://yourguideto.info "The Yahoo section floored me" George as usual, gets straight to it and so will I. What you get is three dozen pages of straight-up, no-nonsense, hard-hitting, easy-to-do, no-dough marketing techniques. The only cost here is your time. Aimed at affiliates, but just as effective (maybe more) for your own products, George illustrates promotion methods designed with the no-budget marketer in mind. You may have heard or read about a couple of the techniques before, but he explains the steps necessary to implement the strategy so well, they seem new. The Yahoo section floored me. It alone is worth the admission price. What a resource for market research! I didn't know it was even there. As marketers, we sometimes focus too much on Google, but what you have to offer on how to play Google is just icing on the cake. Two thumbs up! -ST Shipley "This takes Affiliate marketing to the next level" Simply Gorgeous, George! This takes Affiliate marketing to the next level, opening doors that other products in this genre haven't even seen, revealing exciting and workable new techniques that will overpower your competition like it doesn't exist. I particularly liked the technique on forum posting, which turns forums into your own personal high-powered money magnet. Hank SecretsofHealthyLiving.com "Step by step George Katsoudas will lay out exactly what you have to do to get quality traffic and get it fast." Even the opening paragraph lets you know what you are in for. No 30 pages of introduction just get to the good stuff. And George does! I have a hard drive full of ebooks and marketing manuals and they do spend a vast amount of space talking about how great they are and that they will give you the key to success. The problem is they do not know what works, so they cannot give you that key. This book will cut right to the heart of the matter. Go here and do this, go there and do that. Step by step George Katsoudas will lay out exactly what you have to do to get quality traffic and get it fast. You have to get good traffic if you are going to sell your product, whether it is yours or an affiliate product. They will not buy it if they do not know where to go. George will show you how to show them the way to your site. George is very precise in his instructions and clearly lays out what to do even if you are a complete newbie. He sometimes is a little harsh in his delivery but you will get the point. That means you will get the traffic, if you do what he says. Good job, George, you got a winner! Randy Shepperd http://www.info-kwik.com "George says it as it is, no tricks, no gimmicks, he shows ways to do things, and it is up to you to decide what you can work with" George's e-book makes sense, it has a good collection of resources and information that will allow someone on a tight budget to make some money online. It is not a "lazy man" tactic, it involves doing some work (and if you are expecting to make money online without doing any work let me tell you that you are embarking on a very expensive task). George says it as it is, no tricks, no gimmicks, he shows ways to do things, and it is up to you to decide what you can work with. What I like the best is how George gives tips that will prevent you from wasting your time or doing things without a focus, that I think is very important when doing things online. So in short, if you are looking for a get rich fast, no work required, make millions online technique... DO NOT GET THIS E-BOOK! But if in the other hand you are serious about starting to make an income online with a very tight budget and with proven ways that work...then this E-Book is a must" Nathan Romano http://lawofattractionvideos.com http://nathanromano.net "Some of the ideas have made a lightbulb go off in my head and made me wonder why I did not think of these things first!" This ebook is a no-fluff guide to getting cheap traffic. Some of the ideas have made a lightbulb go off in my head and made me wonder why I did not think of these things first! I especially found the tips on page 2 and 3 very valuable. I love the way the book is written in a funny and humorous style - it has made me giggle quite a lot while reading, so different to some of the ebooks out there that bore you to tears. If you are new to internet marketing and you don't know where to start, this guide is a must have! Joan Masterson http://www.homebusinessnetwork.co.za "I won't be using ALL of your "naughty" techniques, but there's a heap of "non-naughty" stuff that'll be really useful" Thanks for letting me have a preview of your new ebook. It was a good read. I won't be using ALL of your "naughty" techniques, but there's a heap of "non-naughty" stuff that'll be really useful! I learned a number of new things, like some new advertising techniques and resources, that I'll use asap. I'm sure that it'll help a lot of people who are starting out on a tight budget. The section on Forum Marketing is nicely detailed and will especially help newbies to get started right. Thanks again for letting me have a preview. Michael Beauchamp http://www.e-bizresources.com "If you would like to make money online with a limited budget, then George is your guy" George's new manual is a page turner and I have to say it contains quite a few gems. The sections on Promoting Affiliate Products and Domain Selection have some great information with "out of the box" ideas and many people will benefit from it. If you would like to make money online with a limited budget, then George is your guy! Frank Williams http://www.etna-project.net/craigslist2 "He tells how to really put the grinder into getting the most money and traffic" In the last couple of years, I've read many marketing ebooks. I feel I have a grasp on what is good information and what is a waste of print and my time. So, when the opportunity to review Georges' new ebook came up, I wanted to see if it could stand the test. He starts right off with getting into meat of the subject (points scored) and he doesn't let go! The techniques are beyond the "do this, then do that" available in a hundred other places. He tells how to really put the grinder into getting the most money and traffic. If you want to step it up a couple notches, then George will show you how. A keeper! Jack Kinakin http://www.gardeningandhorticulture.com "I've been doing this for over 4 years now and I feel like a kid tonight" I have to say with complete confidence that this is one of the best ebooks I've read this year. I always give a book a chance yet having in the back of my mind what is it that is new that I haven't tried yet. Well, you quickly re-arranged my thinking. I had to read this awesome book several times. I didn't want to put it down. Your clear and to-the-point explanation on getting traffic to my websites is second to none. You not only share how we should do it but the mistakes we should avoid that most others are making. I could literally go on and on but let me end with this thought. There is now no reason that someone new in the Internet industry with no list or joint venture backing couldn't start making real money and then re-invest that money and build it into a full time business at home. I'm not wasting any time. I've been doing this for over 4 years now and I feel like a kid tonight. I am starting to use your tips and will for all my online businesses. Thanks again George. Floyd Tapia http://www.squidoo.com/real-hoodia-diet-pills/ "Was amazed by some of the strategies that he was talking about" I read Georges product with great interest and was amazed by some of the strategies that he was talking about. All too often you get the same old same old, rehashed information. George has an individual way of writing and calls a spade a spade. Some of the interesting promoting strategies I will be trying out and hope to see them proved. I will certainly be in line to promote this good luck George Kate Pirie Diamond Info Marketing "Your book gave me some techniques that it would have taken me years to have found on my own" I finished reading "Make Money on a Budget." I am a beginner and haven't started to market anything yet, but your book gave me some techniques that it would have taken me years to have found on my own. In fact you made it sound simple enough that I am going to get started right away. Sincerely, Dorrance "Holy Toldeo!! That little secret you revealed is worth the price of package right there" First of all I want to give you a big THANK YOU! What a grand slam of an ebook you put together here. I wish I had this a few years ago it would of helped and save me a lot of time and money. I really like page 10-14 how you give code to help with affiliate marketing and redirecting your affiliate links. That is very helpful! One more thing If I may, Where you talked about how to get on the first page of the serach engines for the best possible terms. Holy Toldeo!! that little secret you revealed is worth the price of package right there! I have already put that powerful piece of information to work! Thank you again George, Tim B. Miller http://www.DiscoverEbooks.com "I have not read this tip anywhere else on the net and was very glad to get this information and put it right to work for my website" It was truly a pleasure being able to read your new ebook called "How To Make Money On A Budget." I was able to read it and put some of the tips you gave me within 20 minutes. I especially liked your tip on page 27. I actually never thought of doing that one! I also implemented the "free how to traffic tip" on page 38. I did not read this tip anywhere else on the net and was very glad to get this information and put it right to work for my website. I enjoy reading all your ebooks but this ebook stands out above the rest! Keep up the great work and thank you for your guidance. Krystine Lewis http://www.perfect-typing-jobs.com "Your methods are clearly defined, simple to follow" I've been in business online for about 6 years teaching entry level marketing to beginners. I avoided affiliate marketing for years because I couldn't see a way to do it do build a residual income. After reading Make Money - on a Budget!, I realized I could use your techniques in highly targeted niches to passively create sales using search engine traffic. A couple of your tactics wouldn't work with search engine traffic but they are good for making sales using the resources you've given us. Your methods are clearly defined, simple to follow and I think most beginners and intermediate marketers will learn something profitable from your manual if they're willing to act on the information. Keep on providing usable information without fluff or hype. Jerry McCoy http://www.remedieswebsite.com http://www.itsaboutcash.com "No problem if YOU're targeting a niche in an other country" The best thing with the report "Make Money On A Budget" is the technics - that George Revealed - can easily and quickly be used to MAKE REAL MONEY from my FRENCH site with the best traffic (only quality french people in that case). No problem if YOU're targeting a niche in an other country, you can do the same and MAKE PROFIT with zero ads cost! Stéphane B. Guillemot - France http://www.strategie-affiliation.com "Your “Make Money On a Budget” is really inspiring" Thanks for a great marketing material. Your “Make Money On a Budget” is really inspiring. After reading many mediocre stuff that circulates endlessly on Net about how to do Internet business I got really moved by your book. Some of techniques described are new to me and need exploring. And of course one can get strengthen by positive outlook you express there about future of Net marketing and its potential. Together with emergence of new software, new sales concepts, new knowledge and continuing influx of new marketing experts daily, the Internet marketing gets very competitive and thus expects upgraded and perhaps unorthodox approach. And of course point is scored here - that regardless of one’s budget anyone - that is newbies and professionals - can get easily equipped with powerful marketing tools of your system and get instantly successful. Your book contributes exceptionally well in ongoing discussion on how to market properly and efficiently. Thanks very much and all the best in all your efforts on Net. Await new books from your domains… Jan Dabrowski http://affiliatecashnet.com "What a refreshing adventure the reading of your book was" And thank you for your ingenious eBook! What a refreshing adventure the reading of your book was! Not at all written in the same old dull style we've been used to. And when it was stuffed with useful methods and tips without all the BS, I just want to say CONGRATULATION George! To every internet marketing fellow out there: "Go get this book ASAP! You'll get so many NEW ideas from every page that you'll be smiling from ear to ear all the way until the end!" Ketil Sjavik http://www.sw-hub.com "He not only mentions techniques, but also shows the details of doing it yourself!" George is rapidly gaining a reputation with us for providing powerful tips, techniques, and tricks not found elsewhere. We particularly like the sections on Forum Marketing, Yahoo Answers, and How To Get On The First Page Of The Search Engines For The Best Possible Terms. He not only mentions techniques, but also shows the details of doing it yourself! Bryce H. Doster http://www.britedaybooks.com "Are you kidding me . . . !? :-)" I'll hand it to ya' my friend! Once again you've proven that your a 'straight shooter'! You're not afraid of a bit of controversy are you... !? :-) No beatin' round the bush - simply tellin' like it is! You've outlined some simple, yet highly effective strategies to making money online. Just one of your strategies alone can increase profits by 7, 8, 9, 10 times or even more! Incredible . . . ! You even have the 'guts' to request an increase in your affiliate commissions from merchants! What . . . !? Are you kidding me . . . !? :-) I could keep 'venting' about how impressive these tactics are, but I won't! I'm sure there will be loads of people who will continue where I left off! Great advice - excellent piece of work my friend! Keep it up, I'll be the first in line to read your work. :-) Eric V. Van Der Hop Publisher and Editor - 'The Marketing Toolbook Ezine' Website: http://www.foundationofsuccess.com As with everything I do and teach, there is work involved. If you still expect to grow your business by doing nothing then this course is not for you. Let me stress... it is NOT hard! Nothing In Internet Marketing is HARD. So Please, Spare Me the “It's Too Hard” Speech Because it Simply is Not True... Everything can be broken down into manageable chunks and then pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle. This Isn't For Everybody... and It May Not Be for You! I know what you're thinking... A lot of products have been designed for beginners, while a lot of them are for more advanced marketers, so which one is this? I've designed this course so that everybody will benefit from it. Whether you're just getting started and don't even have a site up yet, or you're like me and have been around forever, you'll benefit from my knowledge. Still, this product may not be for you...regardless of your level of marketing experience. What I mean by that is... Read the full article

0 notes

cosmosogler · 7 years ago

Text

not sure what to do right now.

today was really bad... not because anything particularly bad happened (other than i got back my e&m test and it had... comments on it), but because i just really didn’t feel good emotionally. i just felt like doing nothing all day and didn’t get ANY work done at all.

like literally none.

we saw the ligo update during classical at least... and he moved the assignment back to wednesday. so i have one more day to dick around before i have to turn in whatever i have.

not going to have a lot of time tomorrow but we’ll see how that goes.

during my lunch break i went down to check out the lab but the students and professor seemed to be on lunch break. i arranged a meeting time over email after that instead. so i’ll be checking it out tomorrow after my office hour.

after quantum i holed up in suzanne’s office and got sick after trying to eat the pasta salad i made on sunday. i’d say that was a flop. it just didn’t have very good materials for being recooked i think. beans don’t handle being dehydrated and rehydrated as well as other stuff maybe. i’ll try a different brand next time.

during my office hour i really wanted to grade but then i just didn’t. i wanted to check something real quick, and then it was an hour later and my student showed up for the meeting with my supervisor.

i felt really, really bad telling the student i wasn’t really in much control over their situation or how much help they got. i had a nervous very fake smile plastered on my face and i just didn’t know what to say at all. i hated it. i wanted to solve everything but i didn’t have the answers. and it was also so, so hard to focus on the conversation. half the time i straight up didn’t understand what the words meant when the supervisor was talkin. i had trouble standing up the right way. i wanted to fall asleep.

so i felt stupid and slow the rest of the day after that. while i was back in suzanne’s office very specifically not doing any grading or homework i talked to harrison a little bit about how he was doing since i noticed his jokes were getting very dark. i don’t remember much else about that 40 minutes. we talked about something that i enjoyed... i was trying to tell a few stories from high school and i didn’t get through a single one. i kept getting interrupted and eventually i just bellowed something like “WELL AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO HEAR THAT PUN, BECAUSE WHEN I GET CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTED NONE OF MY JOKES CAN LAND. SO YOU GOT SPARED.” jennica yelled back and leaned way in and i told her to get out of my face but she took it good-naturedly.

e&m sucked. straight up. i got my test back. 9/30. nothing i do matters at all. i could do nothing but study physics for a year straight and still fail a basic quiz.

ok, well, studying with suzanne and john meant i got one more point on the test than last time.

i could get a perfect score on every quiz for the rest of the semester and the final and still only pass with a c+. i don’t know what to do. the grad advisor sent me an email about one of the professors who’s available for some tutoring. i sent her an email asking when she could meet.

while the class was going, instead of taking any notes, i stared at the floor, or blankly stared at the professor. i felt like i had never seen him before, and also never seen a blackboard before. i thought about what would happen if i dropped out. nothing good. i don’t want to do that. i don’t know what would happen to snoopy. or my savings. or really anything.

i felt like i had always been in that room for a million years but also like i had never existed in the first place. i felt like this is just what my life is like now. i move and get punched in the gut no matter which direction i step in. but i can’t just stand still. it doesn’t matter what tools i equip myself with. it always comes down to getting socked until my appendix explodes or something i don’t know where else to take that metaphor.

i hate this. i hate feeling stupid. retarded. you know. like mom said i am. after class i sat in my chair quietly while my classmates talked about where to get dinner before their class met for the second time today in preparation for the e&m midterm. i hate that i have a good week and then i spend the next three weeks being unable to think straight, or talk normal, or basically do anything school related. and then i get behind AND out of practice and i have to spend my good week playing catch up until i’m so exhausted that my depression gets bad again for three weeks. and also i get sick and i’m still sick and it’s been a month since this cold/flu thing started and i’m still coughing hard and sick and retching and i get sick every time i eat before 2 in the afternoon. and my nose is always stuffy and my face is scratchy and scabbed and healing too slow.

the cut doesn’t look as bad today and also isn’t as rough or raised from inflammation or whatever. so it’s healing. just... slowly. my surgical incisions still have that sort of raised bumpy quality that means they got more healing to do.

the surgeon said the incisions shouldn’t leave scars. but they’re still so... raw looking. not off-color in any way, just... sore. i get phantom habit pains whenever i jam something directly into my side where the largest incision is. it’s right near my elbow level so i just have things around that height at all times. trying to hold boxes, door knobs, stuff like that.

“tired” isn’t really the right word to be using. but it’s, like, the closest thing i got. weary. irritable. consumed. haggard.

i played a round of smash bros with keegan and harrison and we showed soham how to play. the controller i picked up was gunky and dusty and the a and b buttons were not responsive. there was something really disorienting about pressing buttons that are practically second nature and expecting something to happen and getting nothing and then running directly off the edge because my character didn’t stop to do the charge attack like i wanted.

hash tag relatable.

after that we went to relish for dinner. i biked over there. it didn’t take long at all. i got shunted off to a table by myself though because they were only set for four people and we had five. i had trouble hearing the conversation. the burger was good at least. but it was hard to participate, and then they all had to leave so quickly for their review session. i biked home and almost got hit by a car at a stop sign.

i guess i forgot that the stop sign is only there for one direction and not the other two.

i wanted to grade when i got home but instead of that, i goofed off and did nothing for three hours! then it was 9:00!! so i checked my comics!!!

one of them updated and it Fueled me. i wish i had someone to talk to about it. feels weird trying to describe it or recommend it to anyone though.

i’m kind of stuck in a bind there because on the one hand i hate sharing stuff that i find personally important. i hate sharing stuff that actually matters for real. but i also really like some stuff and think other people would like it too and i would like to like it together and be a little happier or maybe introduce someone to something that touches them. asher liked jojo way more than i thought he would and that was basically the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

it’s just risky is all. sharing stuff that doesn’t matter is... less dangerous. describing my day. stuff i did. how i feel. embarrassing times i got whacked in the face or whatever.

but stuff that matters? things that i hold close and think about every day? what i love?

i dunno. sharing that is scary. here i am only vaguely alluding to this comic that’s basically consumed my feelings and tears for like 6 months straight. i check it every day.

i know it’s not exactly my situation but it just... i dunno. reminds me of my childhood in a kind of way. i was alone though.

i think... maybe besides asher. or maybe even jim. really private thoughts. my favorite things ever. poetry. the last time i shared anything that really mattered was with craig.

well, we all know how that went.

at 9:20 after letting myself feel an emotion for once i got started grading. three hours after i wanted to start. i could have finished. but i didn’t do that! i didn’t even watch youtube videos or ANYTHING! i listened to one song a lot and i’ve learned it pretty well. i’d like to play it on the piano sometime if i could find any sheet music simplifying an extremely busy, textured piece haha.

at least i remembered to wear my reading glasses for a little while... my head doesn’t hurt as badly as it could have.

but instead of finishing my grading i got through like 6 pages. out of 180 that i need to have done by tomorrow. 540 by thursday.

i’m not going to have it done by tomorrow. or thursday. then my midterm is on friday and we’re all terrified. during our quantum review this morning the professor told us to focus on “math and physics” and then summarized everything we’ve learned in the class so far. Very Rude.

well. guess i need to at least finish this round of pages before bed. i want to keep writing... it’s not that i don’t express myself honestly around other people. i just don’t express myself. i guess. genuinely. fully. i don’t know.

oz is very open. i enjoy talking to him. we both just seem to have so little time or energy. and i am very afraid of, yet again, being Just Too Much.

right now i don’t want to do anything but cry.

last night when i laid in bed to sleep my back and hips started really hurting, like cramping up, like when i lay flat on my stomach playing my gameboy or reading a book for too long and try to sit up. i reached around to touch my back and maybe find what was hurting so bad and i realized that, just, my entire back hurts. every muscle from the sides all the way around the back. touching the muscles back there felt like jabbing my fingers directly into a bruise and i wanted to die because it didn’t stop hurting even after i stopped touching anything.

i’m too scared to think about getting a massage or anything like that. my scarring is so extensive on my right side... that and i just don’t like situations that are supposed to be relaxing. can’t stand hot tubs unless i’m just dicking around with my cousins. immediately suspicious of “relaxing voices.” except bob ross. that guy was legit. mostly because he was focused on painting and having a good time making his art. in group therapy back in spring we discussed asmr. makes me feel nauseous and grody. i only touch aromatherapy when i’m absolutely by myself and i basically dunk my pillows in lavender. doesn’t help me sleep though.

AND SLEEPING? GOD!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T DO THAT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IF SOMEONE GRABS ME???????? IT’S HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE.

i don’t like people touching me. can you imagine, laying on your stomach around someone you don’t know and you can’t see them directly while they get their hands all over you and make weird noises that other people find soothing but you just find to be false advertising?

but i don’t know what to do about my back. it hurts to lay down. my jaw hurts all the time. it is never not sore and tender. my shoulders are basically bricks.

i feel like i’m never going to get any better than this. i can’t change any more. i’m not good enough. i can’t keep doing this.

something good... i can’t think of anything.

i wasn’t even really that frustrated when i yelled about getting interrupted for the five thousandth time. it seemed like the funniest thing to do in that specific situation. standing up for myself is only easy when it’s funny! no wonder no one can take me seriously.

i gotta teach tomorrow. i guess that’s something. i really care about how my students are doing in their studies. at least, i hope i care. it’s hard to remember what it feels like sometimes, what to call that feeling. i try to be more “big sister” than “mom” but it seems like, in people’s minds, there might be a lot of overlap there. or it gets defaulted to mom and then it’s hard to pry yourself out of that box.

like i think of my students and i immediately think, “yeah i care about them!” but then i don’t actually feel anything? it’s just an instinctive thought without any ability to feel attached. that might come through in my grading. i’m not sure.

anyway it’s 11 and i haven’t made any more progress on my grading. might have to... put it away for the night and try to sleep. keeping myself physically healthy is going to help me more this week than finishing the grading. well, to think of it another way, getting sick right before my last (hardest? least predictable) midterm is a way worse idea than dealing with the consequences of not having the grading done and letting three labs stack up. gotta make a choice i guess. can’t do both today. just gotta... tell myself i’ll have more energy tomorrow, even if i don’t believe it.

1 note · View note