#and rn i think i need to remind myself that healing is not in fact in productive

[radiotorn]

there is somethng a bit sad about how often my parents will like.e positively talk about how much they "protected their peace". like my dad does not have a single irl friend he hangs out with. my mom has like. one maybe two friends and one of them she sees only Sometimes (became friends with her bc their sons are friends, wouldnt have become friends w her w/o that) and her other friend she sees. every other few years. like ummm ... i dont think you protected your peace i think you are alone now ...

[koushuwu]

today is a couch-day. i feel incredibly unproductive, because i’m sitting here, resting. healing.

[the-tarot-witch22]

First of all a big thankyou to you for always cheering me up and making me feel confident within my work, I'm so happy to know that you liked them. And yes it is actually funny because I do get some vibes of you two having same religion/culture yet I was also receiving something about European country/london especially so I was like is it a foreigner? But same culture hmm. But anything is possible so whatever that is you deserve the best and I'm sure you'll receive it. Also your fs definitely wants the best for you and love yourself, i also feel your higher-self would love herself too and as she should!!

Here's a feedback; OMG! Just few seconds in the reading and I'm already tearing up, because please the reading if just so beautiful :)) Okay so hearing about healing and self-love and all I'm just so happy because I've been doing a lot of shadow work and self-love is something very important to me now so knowing that my higher would reach that point of life where she's receiving the fruits of her hardwork I am very emotional, "Go for it" how do I explain i words what it meant to me because I was just thinking about things in life and all, especially about my career and then I hear this. Definitely I'm someone who's still learning to trust herself and all it was a huge sign for me especially for the steps I've been wanting to take/taking. Hearing about friends made me so greatful because I've been kind of unlucky when it comes to friendships especially offline (ik it also had a reason) so that is just so beautiful. Also about luxuries and money, and my higher-self??? She's exactly what i want to be or imagine her to me omg. Yeah like f*ck it, wait last life connection came here too?? And my fs popping up in ng reading again okay this reading is all I needed I am gonna give myself a good cry. And also that's so true I'm definitely the type of even now who looks at past just to remind myself how far I've came and what they've taught me and feel greatful even for those tough moments. "I also feel pink, green (pastel) or dark shades have importance in your life" wow please i should kiss your hands rn because it resonates even with colours, like i really love pastel shades and dark shades, and i would say they do play a role since when i wear dark clothes i feel much more confident and tune within mymasculine energy and with light colours with my feminine energy and I'm sure that maybe these colours play another roles too. "felt you standing in front of mirror and admiring it" *cries again* because I do have struggled with my body since my childhood and very insecure of it because of how skinny I look, and seeing her admiring her parts made me realise a lot. And yes I am a forgiving person and I've already forgiven everyone woah please you picked on the present too!?? Also about job, and career with growth...(Just so very greatful) Literally so very greatful because that's what I've wanting to give myself and even the higher position/business definitely aligns with my goals. And coming to my intuition and the Messages just blessed!! I am definitely gonna start hearing it more and also about the mysteries it makes sense and resonates (I'm surprised) because it's just a huge confirmation to me. Also coming to education, honey it resonates again because that's one of my biggest goals. Also "thankyou for meeting me baby" my pookie baby i already love you so much you popping up in the reading again!!!? Or atleast knowing something about you, it's okay love ik we'll meet when the timing is right. 🤍🫂 Also the moodboard?? Bro it's just so beautiful energetically and the fact I do see so many angel numbers, 444 too. Okay everything literally everything RESONATES!!

How do I explain in words how greatful i feel. Love you so very much honey, i really appreciate each and every moment, really greatful that I met you. Everything has a reason and I'm it had too. Sending my warmest hugs to my sweetheart, you are amazing don't question yourself. You are moving forward and making progress and that's a really huge thing, things take time but ik we'll be okay!!

Proud of you bub. Have an amazing day ahead. Sending lots of love and blessings 🫶🏻🤍✨🧿

You sweetheart!! I love you so so much 😭🌼 you deserve the compliments and your readings work is literally so gooood!? How can I not like it! You are so sweet for giving me both readings and moodboard and they resonated so much with me, it made me so emotional and happy thank you sm, I appreciate you so much that I can't describe in words, my love yes exactly!! Its funny maybe that country has important value in both of our lives I am just so excited to meet him! I love him already! Yess, we will have everything we deserve and I am sure the universe is working our favour!! Amen 🙏

✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼

The detailed feedback?? I am so in love with it , you are so so sweet 😭 the messages I kept picking on it was like everything your higherself wants you to hear and lessen your worries and doubts, your future spouse/soulmate he really wants to give you love and confirmation that he is out there, the way lovers card flew and pop up and I was like he is too excited to show himself to you lol, and it was cute, I am happy for him and for you 😭 I am so glad you liked the moodboard I kept feeling drawn to those pictures and I know they all had something for you, to feel and hear, I am literally smiling and feeling just so emotional?? Like I am so glad for the feedback and they way our energy aligns it just made me so so happy! I am so glad your higher self has everything , she literally is the sweetest, thank you so much for letting me read for you, ilysm!

✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼

Love you more! And I am definitely sure it had a meaning and I am glad we met, thank you so much, sending love and hugs to you as well!! Yess! We both are and I know things will look up for us, I just know it. Yess everything will be~!

✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼✨️🌼

Thank you so much for this and I am proud of you too! Have an amazing day too!! Sending love and positive vibes to you tooo ! 🧿✨️🌼🎀

[skinimini80]

Guys I think I’m gonna stop weighing myself for a bit.

I’m just gonna focus on my 1000 cal budget again for a while. It’s nice and simple.

I just can’t purge rn. It’s a waste of my medication. I can’t afford to waste it. Cals in cals out always works. So long as I’m diligent with my calorie counting, I’ll know if I’m doing well.

Plus this water weight is kicking my ass mentally. I know I’ve gained some real weight too, but I can see the puffiness in my face and hands and stuff.

Also I’m gonna incorporate more activity into my life again. Staying busy helps me mentally. It’s a lot easier to focus on hobbies when I’m as well fed as I am rn, so I’m really trying to branch out today and do things that are fun. Soon I’ll have school again and when I do I’m gonna reach that end of the day “I deserve some joy let me b/p or eat ‘normally’” but I hate the way I feel for the rest of the night.

Also l’m bringing back the cal bank. My limit is 1000 per day so really it’s 7000 per week. I can save up for the weekend or just try to enjoy each day at 1000. Either way, it’s a simple rule that helps me sometimes.

I might omad today, idk. I’m not hungry yet as I overate yesterday. I wanted to purge so bad because it hurt but I didn’t! I couldn’t waste my medication! Instead I took a nap to get through the worst of it, woke up and got some groceries while I was still too full to want to touch them, and took a nice shower. I just kept drinking water throughout all of this and come today I’m not hungry but I’m not stuffed! I’m more or less satiated. I did estimate cals because I ate some takeout. I knew exactly how much alcohol I drank, and I knew exactly the cals in some food I ate at home but the takeout makes it difficult to know.

Anyways I ate like 2700 ish cals. Let me remind you I do need more cals to heal rn, but since I’ve been overeating every day I’m switching back to restriction. If my body needs the cals it can snatch them from my fat fucking arms. I’m already being so good with not purging. I only failed once since getting these meds (literally on day 2 of the 10 day course lol). I haven’t allowed that to stop me from doing better.

So basically I don’t know my maintenance rn. It’s usually around 1600-1750 when I’m doing the bare minimum of walking to get from point a to point b. So my 1000 cal budget is safe.

Despite the fact that I’ve eaten a lot this week, I’m just gonna have today be a fresh start. Like I said, I do need extra cals rn. I’ve eaten them. I‘m set. So I have 3000 cals left for the week. I’m not at all hungry right now even though it’s almost 1:30 p.m. I have a package I ordered that’s supposed to come in tonight, so I’m excited about that (I like never treat myself to online shopping).

Here’s to my next honeymoon phase (I’ll actually drink to it later tonight before my omad if I even eat at all).

Also i know alcohol hinders healing, but I’m in a lot of pain rn and deserve a little fucking joy. Plus it helps me Slow down and really enjoy my food. Eating sober just isn’t that fun anymore.

[maria-eve-falcon]

Finally found a blog that can sympathize with Joe. Love Taylor and sure they are both going through some terrible heartache. But I think this impact Joe the most. We are in no place to speak on someone else’s mental health but at least we know he has anxiety. And rumors of him withdrawing from her leading up to tour, the noticeable weight gain and baggy eyes in movie premieres, I think there’s more than we know.

I’ve been through a withdrawal period before because I was feeling like I was a failure. Lots of restless nights, weight gain, self isolation and feeling worthless. I took a break from everyone to heal and learn to love myself again. So I can kinda relate to him why he wanted a break. Everyone cope differently and we cannot fault them for how they chose to do it. We all have our own demons to fight.

We do not know what goes behind closed doors. But based on facts given, I am comfortable to say he is a gentle, sweet, caring soul, does not read into tabloids, brought up loyal and kind by his mother(according AOTGYLB). Never used her name to gain fame and is a very private person. How can people say he intentionally leaked this out? The breakup is the last thing he would ever want to go public.

If he cared about the imbalance in their fame status, he would be going for commercial movies instead, not indie type films. I just don’t like how he is being portrayed as a person through these news outlet. It’s very dehumanizing to do.

Ikr! thanks for all this. I remember his quote about wanting to be seen as a human.

You are right. His newest pics are really bad. Like his hair is weird, he has defs gained weight campared to his physic just some months ago.

Tbh, the biggest thing is Tay has her fans, her songs, her friends and family with her.

Joe is somewhere else far away from home as speculated and maybe before the breakup, means he's been alone when it happened and is rn . He has to change his musical taste, even his fav band might be hurting him . His friends and family are away. All he has is some co workers he doesn't know very well. Idk if that's good, or bad. Cause how much you'd want nothing to remind you of the absence of your loved one, you just kinda need someone who knew your relationship with them.

Also about the GOD DAMN ARTICLES. It's impossible trust me. And why would they do that? Likeeeeee his team should be outta questions imo cause well, his team is too lowkey to do that. like the possibility is just 0.001%

Moreover, we should support them both. The breakup is the wort thing that could happen to them and it is done.

So instead of blaming and hating, we just need to support them. Imo. This is that type of a break up you can't blame anyone.

All we can do is love and pray and be positive and wish for the best.

[nastybuckybarnes]

Of Kings and Beasts  -  Two

Pairing: King!Bucky X Princess!Reader X King!Steve

Summary: Born a bastard of the King of Orlen, you’re thrusted to the West to marry the Kings. However, the greeting you get is anything but warm, and your life with the King is far from enjoyable. He knows it isn’t your fault his husband is gone, but that fact alone won’t prevent him from taking it out on you.

Warnings: Dark Themes, Smut, NonCon, Language, Kinda Slow Burn, Bucky with the mood swings, Probably poor editing

Word Count: 3.2K

A/n: I cannot put into words how tired I am rn like idk why im so tired all the time but I am. Anyway, here's another part of this cause I like this series but its SO FUCKING DARK LIKE SO DAMN DARK PLEASE BE WARNED!! I HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM WRITING PART THREE BECAUSE ITS FUCKING DARK

THIS SERIES CONTAINS SMUT AND VERY DARK THEMES THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME AUDIENCES!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

PART ONE

~*~

“Your Majesty? Are you feeling at all better today?” You shake your head, curled up on your bed in the fetal position in a pathetic attempt at blocking out the world.

“Please, Majesty. A walk and some fresh air will do you well. It needn’t be long.” You sigh and push your blankets away from your face.

“You will not stop until I agree, will you?” Natasha smiles gently at you. “I’m afraid not, Your Majesty. It is only for your health that I insist.” She helps you to your feet, a frown on her face at the way you struggle still to move.

“You are still in pain?” You simply nod, wincing when she has you step into a dress.

“The pain is more bearable than it was.” She nods, mind wandering as she helps you into your dress for the day.

It’s a simple navy dress with a gold string wrapping around the waist. The sleeves hang past your fingers and you toy with the pretty fabric while Natalia holds an arm around your waist.

The walk is painful and slow and with every step, you wish you were back in your room.

From the looks you get from the staff, you know it’s known how unwelcome you are. This is not how you thought your union would be at all.

~*~

“You were supposed to take care of her! Treat her with kindness and compassion! Not leave her bloody on her bed once you’ve satisfied your need!” Natalia snarls, slamming her hand on the King’s desk. He looks up at her, a bored expression on his face until he processes her words. Then his expression gradually changes to one of regret.

“I... I hadn’t meant to be so rough with her. She... I just... It’s a betrayal, Natalia. I’ve broken my oath to the man I love.” She shakes her head, glaring at him.

“No, it is not. You and Steven made an agreement that you would find a queen. You chose her specifically. And now that Steve is no longer here you’re wanting to back out? That is not how this works, James, and you know that.”

He grinds his teeth together so hard he’s surprised they don’t break.

“That’s exactly the problem! Every time I look at her I’m reminded of him! Because we were supposed to have her together! We were supposed to marry her together and bed her together! She is not mine, she was meant to be ours!”

“And so you treat her like a burden because your husband is not here? You act as though she is nothing more than a whore? That woman in there has feelings, James.” The king pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut to try and reign in his anger.

“You could never possibly understand what it is that I’m feeling. I already admitted to being rougher than I wanted to be. And I should have stopped, but I needed to get it through to consummate the marriage.”

Nat pauses at his words, hoping he doesn’t mean what she thinks he means.

“What do you mean you should have stopped? Did she tell you to stop?”

He swallows hard before nodding.

“She... I could hardly understand her, she was crying so much, but she begged me to a-and she was pushing me away. But I didn’t.”

The harsh sound of her hand connecting with his cheek echoes through the room. The King is stunned but he knows he deserves far worse than a mere smack.

“I never thought you capable of such cruelty, James. That woman is your wife, the Queen of your Kingdom, and you have treated her as if she is the one who took your husband from you.”

He grows angry at the mention of the man he loves. “She is attempting to replace him!” He exclaims, slamming his fist down on his desk to enunciate his point.

“How could you possibly know that?!” Nat counters, her voice raised to match his.

“She has said nothing about wanting to replace Steven! She was well aware that she would be bound to both kings, not just you. I’m sure she is wondering about where her other husband is, why he has not been seen. You need to talk to her. Apologize for brutalizing her the way you have. Mend your relationship with her because she is the only chance you have at continuing your bloodline. She is the only one who can ensure your reign continues.”

The King is silent, mulling over her words before sighing heavily.

“Where is she?”

Nat crosses her arms over her chest. “It has been four days since your marriage and you are only just asking now? She has been unable to walk for the past three days, so she has remained in her chambers. I forced her for a short walk today, but I do not think it did much to lift her spirits.” His jaw clenches for a moment before he lets a breath out through his nose.

“When she is healed I shall talk to her.” It’s not much, but it’s a start, and that’s all Natalia can ask for.

It’s two days after that before you can walk on your own, and even then you’ve got a severe limp. It’s two more days after that before you can sit down on anything besides your bed. It isn’t until ten days after the consummation of your marriage that you leave your room again.

“If you’re feeling healed, the King would like you to join him for tea on his private balcony.”

You’re shocked at Wanda’s words, but you try to hide it, offering her a nod while she helps you get dressed into a simple light blue gown.

She leads you through the Palace towards a side that you’ve never seen before, not that you’ve had much of a chance to explore. When you reach a set of grand oak doors you find yourself growing increasingly nervous.

Wanda, oblivious to your racing heart, knocks twice on the wood then bows to you before scurrying down the hallway and out of sight.

“Enter,” a muffled voice calls. You take a deep breath and push the door open, keeping your eyes cast downwards as you enter the King’s chambers.

His eyes find you immediately, a frown on his face at the way you keep your eyes down on the floor.

“I am glad you’ve rested and recovered,” he says, his frown deepening when you flinch at his voice. You say nothing in reply, simply stand with your hands folded gently atop your skirts.

“Come over to me. The tea is waiting.” You nod, risking a glance up to find where he is and walking over to him. He sits at a small table on the balcony, his attention focused somewhere over the horizon, and you risk taking a breath in.

You carefully sit down on the chair across from him, a wince flashing over your features as discomfort flares between your thighs. The expression doesn’t go unnoticed by him, and a wave of guilt washes through him.

“I... I wanted to apologize for our wedding night. And... I do hope that you can forgive me for my actions and we can start anew.”

You’re beyond surprised and look up at him, unable to stop the look of shock from crossing your face. “Y-you have nothing to apologize for, Your Majesty.”

He watches you, watches the way your fingers tremble as you reach out for the teacup. Watches the way you avoid his eyes and shrink into yourself as if to seem as unthreatening and small as possible.

You’re afraid.

Not that he’s surprised, necessarily. What, with the way he treated you? He’s shocked you’re holding yourself together so well.

“I had not intended on being so rough with you. Especially not on our first night together. You must understand that I am not myself as of late. I am... worried about my husband. Hoping to find him soon.” You nod, Wanda’s words echoing in your head.

“There is nothing for me to forgive, Your Majesty. I understand the way you’d like for us to get along and I understand my purpose and my place. You needn’t strain yourself over me. It is my duty to be at your leisure, even if it is not what I desire.”

Your words stun him into silence, the tension growing between the two of you.

“(Y/n),” your name feels foreign on his tongue yet so very right. “When I said what I had said yesterday... All I meant was that-” “Forgive me, Your Majesty, but I do believe I understood. I am not so foolish as to believe that this marriage was for anything besides politics. You and the King need an heir and I am here to provide one. That is my place, as you said. Now I do hope you will excuse me, for I am feeling rather delicate and would very much like to return to my chambers.”

He says nothing, simply nods his head and watches as you hold back another wince as you stand up.

He isn’t alone for long. No, Natalia is strolling into his chambers mere moments after you’ve left.

“That was brief,” she says, eyes taking note of the untouched tea that sits across from the King.

“I apologized. That is all that was required of me, yes?” She groans and shakes her head. “How will Steve feel if, when he returns, you and the Queen cannot remain in the same room? You know that he will be beyond disappointed.”

“What am I to do? I tried to speak with her about it but she... it seems to be strictly political. She does not seem to even want to entertain the idea of anything beyond a loveless marriage.”

“Is that, perhaps because she is afraid of how you will treat her if she were to express her desire to be wanted? If you cannot express with words how you feel, then do so with your actions.”

He doesn’t come to you that night. Nor the night after.

It isn't until the third day after that that you see him again. Even then it isn’t any different than the last time.

You’re leaving your chambers to go for a walk in the garden, something Wanda and Nat have been encouraging upon realizing you’re not feeling like yourself.

“I’m telling you, James. I think it’s him.” That’s Samuel’s voice.

“I think he’s right. We should go see. Send a team out. It doesn’t look like they are very securely guarding him. We could go in and have him back within a month.” That one’s Natalia.

Wanda’s chattering goes unnoticed by you as you realize they’re talking about King Steven.

“If you’re sure about this, then gather a team and have the horses prepped. We’ll leave at dusk.”

As they’re rounding the corner they nearly bump right into you. You and Wanda both stop, both of you dropping into a curtsy while Nat and Sam bow.

“Your Majesty,” they greet. You nod at them, eyes cast down.

“You two are both dismissed. You as well, Lady Wanda. I require a word with my wife.” You’re confused at him calling you his wife but you say nothing, eyes stuck on the ground as three sets of footsteps walk away from you.

He’s quiet, watching the way you avoid his eyes.

Finally, unable to bear the silence anymore and wanting to have him be through with whatever it is he wants, you speak.

“You are leaving?” He waits until you glance up at him to answer.

“I will be, yes. We are not sure how long I shall be gone for. But before I leave I’ll be coming to you in your chambers. There’s the chance that I won’t return,  so I need to do my part in ensuring my lineage continues. I haven’t come to you to allow you time to recover, but there is only so long you can expect a man to wait for his wife.” You say nothing, simply nod at him.

“I shall be waiting for you, Your Majesty. Is that all?” He lets out a deep breath before speaking again.

“I require an heir, (Y/n). If I am gone for any longer than two months and you are not with child when I return, I will not be as accommodating as I have been.” You can’t help the scoff that leaves you.

“Is something funny to you?”

You look up at him for a moment then shake your head.

“I beg your pardon, Your Majesty. I just hadn’t realized that this was you being accommodating.”

He grabs your face roughly in his flesh hand, fingers digging into your cheeks and forcing you to look at him.

“You watch your tongue with me, woman. If you forget your place I will need to remind you of it, won’t I? But you don’t want that.” Your heart races in your chest and you quickly shake your head ‘no’.

“Remember your place. Or I will beat you back into it. Understand?” You nod and only after a moment longer does he release his grip on your chin.

You drop your head, eyes focused on the ground as he walks away from you. Tears sting at your eyes and you take a few minutes to compose yourself before walking back into the Palace, heading for your chambers.

~*~

He doesn’t bother knocking. He just pushes the door open and makes himself at home. To his surprise, you’re seated on your bed in a nightgown, nose buried in a book.

You’re so caught up in whatever you’re reading that you don’t even notice him.

He takes this moment to really take you in, eyes inspecting your face.

You’re beautiful, that much he and Steve gathered long before even deciding on marrying you. You have a gentle beauty to your face that is such a refreshing change to all the hard and gruesome things he’s seen in his life. He hates that all he wants to do is stare at you.

He notices that. your face lacks its usual glow, and you have dark bags beneath your eyes. Making a mental note to tell Nat to make sure you sleep properly, he takes a step towards you.

You glance upwards, jumping at the way he stands watching you.

He takes another step towards you, unbuttoning his shirt and walking closer to you. You set your book aside and swallow hard.

“How will you have me?” He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, eyeing you for a moment before deciding.

“On your back.” You push the blankets aside and lay down on your back, trying to take deep breaths.

He takes hold of your ankles and gently tugs you down the bed until your bum is at the edge.

His member slaps against your slit and you jolt, tears welling up in your eyes at the memories of the last time this happened.

Instead of pushing into you dry like he did last time, he leans down and spits right on your intimate area. Shame fills you at how close he comes to you, and at the lewd act, but he seems unfazed. He does the same to his length then slowly pushes in.

There isn’t nearly enough lubricant, and it pinches and burns, but it’s not nearly as painful as last time.

That, however, doesn’t stop the tears from raining down your cheeks. Your chest shudders, silent sobs trying to break free. You bring your hands up to your face, pressing one to your mouth and the other shielding the rest of your face from view.

The King stops moving, his brows furrowed and eyes focused on what he can see of your face, trying to see if he’s causing you pain.

“A-am I hurting you?” He asks, his voice strained. You shake your head, keeping your eyes closed and waiting for him to keep going.

He’s hesitant but slowly starts thrusting again, pressing his face into your neck if only so he doesn’t have to see the tears on your face. The tears he’s causing.

It pains him to see such sorrow when a pretty face like yours should only be happy. He hates himself for knowing he’s the cause, but he can’t very well stop. He has a job to do, an heir to create.

He focuses instead on how your body feels beneath him. Soft and squishy in all the perfect places. And by the Gods, you’re so tight and warm around him. He groans softly against your neck, lips subconsciously pressing kisses to the skin as he approaches his climax.

You hold your breath as he fills you with warmth again, his breath hot and damp against your skin.

He stays sheathed within you for a few moments longer before pulling out and tucking his cock back into his trousers.

“I leave in a few hours. My councilmen are in charge while I am gone. Remember your place.” You don’t answer and he pauses, leaning down to grab your face the same way he did before.

“What occurs between us in our bed remains between you and me. I do not want to hear of you saying a word about it to anyone. You are mine and I shall treat you how I want.” You nod, mind and body numb.

“Good. I shall return shortly. If I will be gone longer than a month I will send word.” He exits without another word, leaving you used and broken yet again.

~*~

The riders leave as soon as the sun sets, the king leading them. You watch through the small window in your room, heart heavy as you realize that you well and truly serve but one purpose to the man.

“Dinner, your Majesty.” You glance over your shoulder to where Wanda is holding a tray of food.

“No thank you, Wanda. I am not hungry tonight. If you don’t mind, I’d like to go to bed.” She nods, setting the tray down and hurrying to get your bed ready.

“I can do that tonight, Wanda. I would... I would like some time alone, please.” She pauses, the pain in your voice far more evident than you wanted it to be.

“Of course, Your Majesty.” She bows her head, picks up the tray of food, then hurries out of your chambers and leaves you alone for the night.

You hardly sleep at all, silent tears tracking down your cheeks as thoughts of how much better your old life was fill your mind.

You truly are no better than a prisoner, and for a moment you find yourself wishing you were beheaded with your mother.

[syubub]

ENERGY CHECKUP: YOONGI (again)

Now, I know I've already done an energy check up on yoon but I wanted to see how he was doing now that he's gotten his shoulder surgery!

Disclaimer time: tarot is not to be takes as fact and is my interpretation if the cards :) entertainment purposes only~

SHIT IS STRANGE (it is Yoongi though so I'm not too shocked)

So. For starters, his energy is pretty calm and chill. He's also a bit more quiet?

I wrote a note that tomorrow is exciting... idk I wrote it down and I'm not sure if its exciting for him or for us? Maybe its just a general like, "tomorrow is a good day" type thing.

Now. 11... I wrote this down and I'm not sure why though I believe that he might be seeing 11:11 on the clock or possibly that something exciting is happening for him at 11:11 (I just checked and thats in like an hour and a half from when I'm writing this down(( update i just finished writing the whole post and it is about 11 minutes away)) idk. I make no promises but I wrote it down so there you go.

I also kept seeing plants and I'm not sure if people got him flowers or plants as a "get well" type thing or maybe he's stressing bc someone has to water his plants lol

Okay. Okay. Hear me out. Black bean noodles. It popped into my head and I was told to write it down but I'm also really hungry so take that with a grain of fucking salt. (I even pictured a nice elaborate bowl that was red as well as the take out container. Yum. Send me noodles)

MOVING ON

Here's the actual reading lol. He is bored.

Thats all. Thank you for coming.

Jk

I joke. The cards give me a kind of frazzled feeling? Its the struggle of knowing hes done something good but it comes at a cost. Yoongi works. A lot. All the goddamn time. So what now? He's having this shake up thats forcing him to deal with stuff. Him having this surgery also may have brought back some less than favorable memories/ feelings that hes being forced to deal with now. Over all though he feels like its good. The 6 of wands makes me think that he's thinking of our response when he comes back. Its like he's gonna be so much more confident in himself and his dancing and he can finally move on from the car accident? It happed so long ago but he literally carried this burden with him. Its good. The wheel of fortune and is about a change and the 8 of swords is about self imposed restriction, imprisonment and over all bad/ negative feelings. I pulled the wheel of fortune first and asked what was changing and that was the 8 of swords. This surgery is helping to free him from this restricting, painful thing that may have been reminding him of the past! YES HEALING

Now. For this section I just kinda asked "whats up?" And got, easy does it, divine life purpose l, balancing masculine and feminine energies and uplift your thoughts. He may be resting but he's got his mind working on 3,000 my dude. Its the regular "yoongi is woke af" bullshit but damn. The cards say what they say. He's preparing. I'll come back to this.

Now the 7 of cups and the 3 of swords. I asked how he felt about missing out on promoting. He's heart broken with the 3 of swords. It genuinely pains him. And with the 7 of cups he might feel like there's a lot of ways this can play out and he's considered a lot of options.

I was curious how he felt about me coming into his energy so I asked him what he thought of me. Lol. These each came out separately. We got, 2 of cups, four of wands, the empress, justice, the magician, the sun and the lovers. Ha

So. To add to the mood setting my guide said "he's a drama queen" lol yeah he is.

So so so so so. I was confused? Still am a little confused but I'm like 80.9% sure that he isn't bothered by me poking around in his energy n shit. In fact my theory is that he's using this connection to his advantage? Lol sounds dumb but my best guess is that home boy sees my energy/ what I'm doing as a way to figure out his own shit? Idk maybe he thinks I'm his energetic therapist. Maybe even a matchmaker (I mean... I have been putting a lot of energy and work into finding/ connecting with his soulmate so maybe he's letting me do all the dirty work) I really don't understand but I got no further explanation.

Oki oki oki. Now. I was drawn to 2 books. The kybalion and the prophet. I asked yoon if there was any messages that we wanted to point out through the books and I got a number for each book so I took it as page numbers. 28 for the prophet and 54 for the kybalion

Take what you will from these if it calls to you. I haven't read these since I was around 13? The sentiments for each felt important to me so I'm curious what you all might think/ feel when reading these? ( I also get the feeling that Yoongi has read the prophet idk why)

Okay. At this point I was like cool, let's wrap this up but I need to talk about his pjs? Green/grey? Plaid pj bottoms don't ask me don't ask me don't ask me I don't know but It wouldn't go away so I had write it down? Help.

I had written yoongis brother down too. Theres something about him? I'm not sure what but thats all I got lol

I was very strongly told that I needed to remember 7, that its important. Got it. Worth it down.

Oki. As I was going back to the platform blah blah blah the string turned blue too. The cord is usually white or silver but it was blue so that was a fun thing and then I was like "nice. Cool. Thanks. This was awesome, get healthy blah blah" and go to leave/ end the connection but the cord wouldn't go away.

???

What.

Then the string (idk if I said but that string shit is like on the third eye? Its connected to my forehead and his too.) Kind tightens.

I'm like, "oh shit."

Listen. Usually everything is smooth and nice and I just leave.

All is well though bc my guide is like, "stop being a little bitch" so I just let it happen.

Yoon shoves me back off the edge of the platform. Why he gotta be like that?

Now. This is strange. I had dropped down into a library.

Y'ALL

I almost shit my fucking pants. Dear god.

THE AKASHIC RECORDS MY DUDE

He started walking me around until he found a blue book. His mother fucking book.

Home boy brought me to his fucking Akashic fucking blue fucking book.

I was big mad. "YOU LITTLE FUCKER! YOUVE KNOWN ABIUT THIS SHIT?" And he was like, "duh"

I've never felt more disrespect lol

Also the way the library was presented was way way way different from how it looks to me. So thats an interesting note. Looking at his book, on the base of the spine is a number 7...

Oki. Cool. I asked if I could look and he said, "Sure, when you can find your way back."

This mother fucker threw me out of a meditative state. Have you ever woken up just before you hit the ground in one of those falling dreams? THAT WAS THE FEELING.

?? I'm not sure what the fuck just happened or if it holds actual significance.

Anyway. After cursing the fuck out of yoobi I started thinking what else 7 ment.

I was specifically told to remember 7 and it was on his book. Then It popped into my head (I want to say its because I'm smart and thought of it all by myself but I think that was my guide wanting me to keep my last brain cell safe). What is yoongis life path number?

Now I don't know shot about life path numbers but imma read up on them tonight. I used a life path calculator on Google. HIS LIFE PATH NUMBER IS 7 Y'ALL.

Maybe I'm dumb as fuck but yoobi never disappoints.

Conclusion: Yoon is fine. Hes just being a yoongi and a yoongi does.

⬆️Me after this reading⬆️

⬆️ Yoongi rn playing 12D chess⬆️

[thisdreamplace]

I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier

I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-

It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(

This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅

Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!

Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha

Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused

This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen

My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭

To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.

To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.

When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.

So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.

If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.

Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.

Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖

[czarojay]

LONG POST

Someone please stop me from writing the ghost tubbo idea i had a month ago to procrastinate on the dreamon au

Because like i had this AU and maybe if i write about it here it will stop me??? I can’t actually find the conversation on discord where i talked about it so i’m probably just gonna throw stuff here from memory and change half of it

Feel free to write a fanfic inspired by this, but 1. tag me 2. i’d appreciete if you credited the idea or at least said i inspired you ^^’

Ok so Tubbo died during the Festival. Like I don’t care if in this a Respawn!AU or Permadeath, irl or whatever. Tubbo doesn’t respawn and dies in Tommy’s arms. 

Assuming it’s a world with Respawn, Tommy just waits for Tubbo’s body to disintegrate or whatever the bodies in this AU do, as Techno massacrates people in the background, he just repeats to himself something along the lines of “C-come on Tubbo! Respawn already!”, but his friend stays limp in his arms, growing cold. 

In the end, they need to flee, like they did during the festival. Feel free to make Wilbur even more insane or evil whatever you prefer and make him leave the body saying either don’t take it, he’s a traitor, just like Eret or just it’s going to be a dead weight (ha, a pun!) (that was so inappropriate to the scene sorry ignore this), so they leave the body and it’s buried in the Manburg just like in the later Tommy’s stream where he zoomed onto the grave with a sign saying that here lies the traitor Tubbo. 

But you can also make Tommy carry his dead friend’s body all the way to Pogtopia, anger and grief clashing, still in the denial stage, hoping Tubbo will come back. Like Tubbo dies all the time! He’s just such a clingy, clumsy big man right? He will come back, right?! Tommy rests Tubbo somewhere in the Pogtopia on a makeshift bed hoping it will make the healing faster and as Techno and Wilbur talk ‘downstairs’ he realizes something. Tubbo isn’t coming back. He would be back by now normally. 

He’s shook to the core with the realization and shakingly goes down to Techno and Wilbur. The pit happens, but at the end, even after Techno’s speech about the language of violence, maybe Tommy snaps? Maybe Tommy yells how Tubbo isn’t coming back? Maybe the older men, practically brothers to Tommy, realise that Tubbo is nowhere to be seen? Maybe they realise the boy, the spy, the victim of the situation is dead? Maybe Niki stares and gasps in horror in the background and is the one who goes to Tommy first to comfort him and help him with the wounds from both the pit and the whole today? Maybe Wilbur stares in horror at his fists, realising he’s the one who put Tubbo in danger? He wanted Tubbo to do the speech, he made Tubbo run back and forth between the two leaders, maybe if he didn’t pressure Tubbo as much, Schlatt wouldn’t have noticed. Wilbur falls to the ground and sits with his head between the knees for a long time, wondering about what he did wrong. 

Technoblade?  He’s awkward and we all know it. He may be a god of PvP, the best farmer in Minecraft, but he’s still awkward. Of course he wants to comfort his little brother, but what can he really do? He’s at loss and still hasn’t fully accepted what he’s done. He killed Tubbo, but he had thought he’d respawn/survive(I really went at the beginning and said this can be also for permadeath au and then wrote it all about respawn au but whatcha gonna do huh). 

Overall the tension in Pogtopia is high, but to be fair, so is Manburg. People didn’t know about the execution and (you know what im just gonna keep going as if the respawn au was planned) the brush with death, even if they respawned, was never pleasant. It’s even worse when they somehow find out Tubbo didn’t respawn. Some people are happy with the fact, others are in shock and grief. 

And here can end chapter 1! Or at least it feels natural for me to cut off somewhere here! Idk really it all depends on your writing style. I'm not gonna dictate how you’re supposed to write idk myself neither. 

Assuming Tommy took the body with him, he later goes on to the only place where Tubbo found peace. Where Tubbo went during the war, the only place where he wasn’t bothered, where he was safe and truly free, without a leader or a dictator over him. Tommy went to Tubbo’s jungle base. 

He took the body with him, not letting anyone of Pogtopia know where he’s going, not wanting a Wilbur or a Technoblade, especially a Technoblade with him. He felt as though he needed to do this alone. He needed to make sure his friend, at least posthumously, gets the treatment he deserves. So he buried his best friend as he would bury a king. 

Tommy spends the night at the jungle base and awakes at night, by a greenish blue light. It’s not too strong, but it’s just enough to be felt. He rubs at his eyes, trying to awake himself, to see if he’s not seeing this, but there it is. A will-o-wisp floating in the middle of the building. Tommy gets up, picks up his sword and carefully maneuvers around the wooden beams with a collapsed floor, he gets to the centre. 

He gently cups his fingers and let’s the ember fall on his hands, but as soon as it touches them, there’s a bright flash and Tommy falls to the floor momentarily blinded. When he regains his sight he looks up and sees a ghost floating above him. Its back is turned to him, but he can tell it’s as confused as he is. But wait… He recognizes that shirt. It may be more bright and glowish, but… 

“TUBBO” he screams in the dead of the night, the nature suddenly quieting. The spirit turns around with phantom tears in their eyes “,Tommy?” they whisper and that was the moment both of them were sure of each other’s identity. 

Tommy rushes, tries to stand up and hug Tubbo, but he simply passes through the boy. 

As disheartening as that was, Tommy is still overjoyed to see Tubbo alive. Or at least here, as they soon agree that he is in fact dead. Feel free to put a flashback here, a new paragraph or whatever maybe a new chapter from tubbos perspective.

 The last thing Tubbo saw was a grim grin from Techno and a flash of blue and red fireworks. Here is a “how creative can you get” test! You can put somehow afterlife looks like, maybe something comes for Tubbo to go on, but he refuses? Maybe he sees nothing or everything is a blur? Maybe it was the last thing and the first thing he saw was Tommy’s crying face? Here is your free chappy for all the angst it can fit! Have fun go wild, turn on some sad music and let it ALL out! 

Tubbo and Tommy talk for long and Tommy tells Tubbo the fallout of his death and Tubbo tells Tommy what happened from his perspective. 

But here’s the funny thing, because I don’t know what you think, but… ghosts aren’t actually bound to places! They’re spirits they can go wherever they please! So Tubbo decided to stick around to Tommy. And as they travel and reach Pogtopia, they find out, Wilbur or Techno don’t see Tubbo. From a brief moment, where Tommy was sleeping and Tubbo broke away and went to see Manburg after the festival on his own eyes, he meets Schlatt and as he stops his breathing (he doesn’t need it, he’s dead, he just does it for comfort or out of habit), he’s scared, he think he’s noticed and waits for insults or a surprise or a sorry or a laugh, he feels something phase through him. Schlatt didn’t see him. Schlatt can’t see him. 

After a number of tests Tommy and Tubbo settle it. The leader can’t see the spirit. 

Niki can see him, it’s settled pretty much the day after Tommy came back, with a shout of fear and surprise and later happiness. 

Quackity can see him as it’s settled, when Tommy meets him in the forest and Quackity aside from being scared shitless by a teenager with netherite armour, he sees a disoriented, glitchy ghost behind the teenager, floating creepily, lighting up the forest around them in a sickly cyan light. 

Everyone can see Tubbo, but the people who caused his very death.

AND I’M DONE HERE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. I CAN TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING IF YOU ASK ME, BUT RN AS I’M WRITING THIS DOWN I DON’T KNOW. 

Reminder, if you want to write this plz credit the idea <3 Also holy shit this hit 1831 words how.

[fake-wizard]

How do you heal your relationship with your womanhood? I'm no longer on T but am not planning breast refilling. I feel kind of caught up between my body alterations and how i come across to others, and like how i crash or clash with the idea of womanhood and sometimes feel like a failed woman. Is this misogyny? How to impove?

very late response to this -

I’m sorry you’re feeling down! There are def detrans ppl who can give better advice than me.

Rn it's a balance between the ways transition has made me feel better vs. the things I have lost, related to community with women.

What I remind myself is that, transition has not made me less female. Women who naturally have beards or breast cancer survivors who got mastectomies, are not less female, less of a woman, and neither am I. I was born female, so I will always be a woman and that is a simple fact.

The women who matter will always see me as one of their own and I feel community with them. It is easier to do online due to people not being able to hear or see me, but there are a few examples I have in person as well. I'd say definitely create the community you need, seek out likeminded women.

And all the tools that I used to try to avoid transition I think apply w/ dealing w/ the effects of transition, since they revolve around body neutrality. Focusing on what having a body allows you to do: run, swim, dance, make art, taste food, sing, smile, build, pet animals, give hugs. Our bodies are so much more than what we look like, they allow us to interact with the world around us and the people we care about. When I was feeling bad I would also try and find a distraction, like meeting with a friend, exercising, drawing, video games.

Since transitioning I've found that whether a stranger refers to me as a woman or as a man, I always internally judge that and either way my instant response isn't happiness. And as long as I keep putting that expectation and value into how strangers view me, I won't be happy.

I like myself, that's what's important. Easy to say, but it's something to keep working at and reminding myself of it.

There's no way to fail at being a woman. I was just talking to a friend about how she had peaked because of listening to how transwomen describe "knowing they were a woman" and seeing - that's not how she feels, or I feel, or any/all women feel about being a woman! Being a woman isn't a set of feminine stereotypes. Even if i pass as a male 24/7 I will always be more of a woman that the most primped, hyperfeminine transwoman.

[coleyholts]

Here is the first time I had ever attempted a sphere.  Let’s all say “hiiii, little sphere,” as he feels a little self-conscious due to his lumps. 

When healing from a traumatic event, all of the professionals say to get back to “normal.”   

Trigger Warning: flashbacks, traumatic child injury.

Let’s talk about what that means. All humans have the same basic needs: food, water, shelter.  Those are the basic things we need to survive; the things we need to merely keep our hearts beating. Humans are intelligent creatures.  This fact comes with its share of additional work on our parts, as it truly adds to our list of boxes to check on the reg.  We need love, companionship, choices, a way to make money, the ability to properly execute tasks, affirmation, the feeling of being understood... the list goes on.

So here’s why I am bringing this up.  As we have already established, I am struggling with PTSD-and just to set the record straight as we dive into my sadness, I want you all that care about me to know that I am NOT a self-harm risk. I am medicated, in therapy and under the supervision of the most talented medical professionals I’ve ever met. I am able to trust my doctors and therapist and I feel so fortunate for that.

.I went back to work on July 19, 2021.  This was only 37 days since my sweet baby’s accident.  Childcare is provided solely by my mother who is an RN, so the idea of her getting hurt was not what was bothering me as I walked into work that day.  I was able to chat with Daniel that morning before he left, and I had purposely set myself up to have a great day.  I got myself an iced coffee and took some deep breaths.  I played my favorite music on the ride into town.

I clocked in at 10 am. I was so excited to see everyone.  Staying home the previous month really got lonely sometimes, and that’s when the pain was the freshest.  I get hugs, kind questions, and compassion. Being that I've had the same coworkers for years makes them feel like family and I appreciate that. They checked on me while I was gone, and a few visited.  I was so happy for the first half hour of greetings, then I sat down to work.

I sat and I talked about things casually, and I was okay as we weren’t discussing the super heavy moments I have shared with you all yet.  But when the conversation stopped, I had a rush of feelings and imagery.  I have been referring to these episodes as flashbacks, since I don’t really know what else to call them.

You know when there are certain smells, songs, places, photos and little reminders that brings you to a memory?  Have you ever experienced this in such detail that you feel like you are physically feeling, hearing, smelling and seeing everything in that exact moment?  It’s like when you smell your grandmother’s perfume and you are instantly transported to sitting next to her on the church pew and pushing your face into her scratchy, sequined blouse because you were fighting to stay awake during Mass.  It’s when you see a kid riding a bike so similar to the one you had, you are brought to your childhood neighborhood block where you are riding said bike.  But with all of the sensory going on, you really feel it-the pain and the fear-when you make a turn to fast and skin your knee.

This is what is happening to me-but presently I’m at the point where I don’t need something to trigger me to have an episode.

I am sitting at work.  I am looking at my list of projects.  I check my accounts and reset my passwords since they had expired over the month I was out, and when I was about to get down to it, I wasn’t there anymore. 

GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF MY “FLASHBACKS”: I was sitting in the Emergency Room with my baby in my arms, limp and eyes rolling as they poked her over and over again to find a vein that still had blood in it. They couldn’t and I screamed and cried. They perfectly executed every single stick, but there was no blood in any of her limbs.  They tell me they are going to have to put in a line using a power drill into my 8 month old’s shins.  She had no medication in her to keep her conscious, supply her with fluids, give her a transfusion, or to relieve pain.  I begged them to administer anything they could through injection or nasally.  

Hard to read? Worse to live it.

My post-accident mind takes me to this awful place while the world around me just keeps moving.  The anxiety, pain, guilt, confusion and profound sorrow that you are suddenly feeling at 100% are completely invisible to those around you.

So, I cried and cried.  I said. “I’m not ready to be here,” as I was comforted by my people.  I excused myself to the restroom and washed my face.  I took deep breaths and asked mom for a picture of my baby.  She was sleeping so perfectly, like a little doll.  After a short break, I went back to my computer and got to work. When it was time to clock out, I had no recollection of any of my projects.  All I remembered was my episode.

Getting back to normal is hard.

I think going back to work (three days/week) was the right move for me in my recovery journey.  It hurt so much, but before you say you can’t, give it a shot and see if the shitty times pass.

I truly believe that working, alone time, making art, cooking and cleaning, raising my baby, and spending time with my husband are my actual personal needs. After that realization, I have grown so much.  In two weeks, I can leave my baby without crying, provide solid feedback in conversations at home and at work, get my house clean, and I’m learning to follow my bliss.  That’s back to normal, the healthiest healing environment.

Taking these steps are so hard, but for the first time, I am really feeling the benefits and acceleration in my healing process.

[mysteryartisticwriter]

Flowers // Jack Kline X Reader

A/N: Hey loves, sorry its been so long since I’ve published an actual fic. I’m moving out of my current household rn and into a new one so I’ve been pretty busy with that. Along with everything else thats been going on, I wanted to talk a break and help out with the Black Lives Matter protests. I’ll put links to donations and petitions you can sign so that you can help out! Please do whatever you can to help!!

TAKES PLACE DURING SEASON 13 WHERE CAS IS STILL DEAD

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED BTW (FOR NOW)

Requested: Yes (by: kylasyrtiaan) // Hi 👋 I was really enjoying your Jack Kline images. Maybe you can make one more? How about a soulmate AU? When one of the soulmates is wounded, another in the place of the cut appears the favorite flowers of his soulmate. You can take the scene where Jack stabbed himself, but you would have seen him and stop him in more caring way. Or y/n was cutting something and accidentally cut a finger, and in a different room Jack would have examined a tiny tulip growing from his finger. Thanks in advance))

Warnings: Blood, accidental and purposeful self harm TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR SOME

Not my gif!! (Please tell me if you, the owner, would like me to take the gif down!)

-

You didn’t find out until you were making pie for the boys in the bunker’s kitchen. It was rare to actually make full on meals in your home but there was a recipe for this s’mores pie that you wanted to try.

Ever since Cas died, there had been a gloom in the bunker that everyone could see. Dean was affected the most, locking himself up in his room listening to the mixtape that he made for Cas. Wanting to cheer him up a little bit, you thought a delicious pie would help.

Jack, the sweet boy he was, wanted to help you. For being the son of Lucifer himself, Jack was literally one of the greatest guys you could ever ask for.

While he didn’t have much experience in baking, you thought it was adorable seeing him crush the graham crackers happily and stir the melting chocolate and butter.

You were in the middle of cutting the dough for the intricate design you wanted for the crust when the knife cut the side of your left ring finger. You cursed in your head and hissed at the small cut. You’ve had much worse wounds than this but it still bothered you.

Blood started to seep from the cut and you walked over to the sink to run some water over it for cleaning.

“Are you okay, (Y/n)?” You heard Jack asked, your back to him.

“Oh, I’m fine. Just cut my finger on accident...” You explained.

“I could try to heal y-” Jack stopped mid sentence and you turned around to see what was the problem.

The brunette was staring at his own left ring finger where a small black dahlia flower began to bloom in the exact same spot where you cut yourself. You could feel your whole body freeze up while Jack continued to stare at the flower in confusion. 

“What’s happening, (Y/n)?” He innocently asked you.

You stayed silent as you could feel your heart beat faster. You knew what this flower meant, how could you not? You waited your whole life to see who would found black dahlia flowers in the same place you got wounds. But now that you knew who was getting them, you didn’t know what to think.

‘Jack Kline is my soulmate,’ you thought. ‘Oh dear Chuck, Jack is my soulmate.’

Your mind was filled with different thoughts, some good and grateful that Jack was the person you would stay with for the rest of your life, some bad and scared that the literal anti-christ was your soulmate. Dean was not going to like this.

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t even hear that Jack was calling out to you.

“-/n)...(Y/n)!” Jack yelled at a volume loud enough to snap you out of your state.

“What’s wrong? Is the flower bad?”

You gulped and stared into Jack’s deep sky blue eyes. You smiled and pressed a hand on the nephilim’s cheek, gently.

“The flower isn’t bad. In fact, it’s amazing.” You took a pause to breathe. “That flower growing in your finger is the black dahlia flower-”

Jack interrupted you. “Your favorite flower?”

He remembered. He remembered your favorite flower. It was a small detail, but it didn’t stop your stomach from having that fuzzy and warm feeling.

“Y-yes...yes. it’s my favorite flower. And the reason why you have that flower is because I cut myself. It means we’re connected, Jack. We’re soulmates.”

Jack’s face calmed a bit but still held some minor confusion. He set his own hand on your own.

“Like Castiel and Dean?”

You giggled, remembering when you told him the reason behind Dean’s dislikeness to him. Jack was so much like Cas in a way, reminding Dean of when he first met his angel. You told him that when Castiel died, it really hurt him, them being soulmates after all.

Explaing the definition of soulmates wasn’t too bad, he had gotten the concept fairly easily. You remember he was so excited to see who his soulmate would turn out to be. You also remember feeling the smallest amount of jealousy in the pit of your stomach.

But soulmates were soulmates. Castiel and Dean Winchester were soulmates.

Just like you and Jack.

“Yes. Just like Castiel and Dean.”

“We’re soulmates.”

Jack’s mouth slowly formed into a grin.

“We’re soulmates!” The brown haired nephilim brought you into his arms and hugged you with all his might.

You laughed as he twirled you around in happiness. It was the most happy you’ve seen him ever in the bunker. Carefully setting you down, Jack’s joy filled eyes stared back into your own (e/c) ones.

“I’m glad you’re my soulmate, (Y/n).” Jack softly told you.

“And I’m glad you’re mine, Jack.”

“What’s this about soulmates?” Dean’s voice suddenly filled the room.

Oh shit.

-

After today, you needed a break from everything. The fourth prince of Hell continued to pursue Jack and when Jack’s powers got a little out of control, Dean’s distaste for him grew.

Jack settled in his room while you, Dean and Sam did more research on this Hell prince. Well, more like Dean drank beer while you and Sam did the research. You flipped through the pages of the book you were reading while sitting at the table in the kitchen.

“Hopefully this fourth Prince of Hell is the last Kardashian in the family.” Dean said, taking a sip of his beer.

Sam chuckled as you finally found what you were looking for.

“According to this, if that was Asmodeus...it’s the end of the line.” You told them after reading all you could on the demon.

Nodding slightly in understanding, Dean sighed and got up from his seat to leave the room. You closed your book and was about to leave to see Jack when Sam’s voice stopped the both of you.

“Dean, wait a second. (Y/n), you can stay if you want.”

You stayed in your seat, wondering what the conversation was going to be and Dean turned his attention to his brother, Sam sighing as well then spoke.

“The kid came through for us today. Jack saved us.”

“No.” You turned your head to Dean, confused. “No, whatever that was, it was a reflex. It was a sneeze. Maybe next time he sneezes, he kills us.”

“Jack wouldn’t do that. Jack wouldn’t hurt us like that. If we just continue to help him control his powers then-” Dean interrupted you before you could speak any further.

“Then what? He learns to control his powers and then what? He just becomes good?”

Angered, you stood up from your seat and stared him dead in the eyes.

“He. Is. Good. How many times do I have to tell you that he is not evil?”

“Jack may be your ‘soulmate’, but he is still Lucifer’s son, (Y/n)! Are you forgetting what son of a bitch did to Cas? To us?”

“Just because he has his genes, does not mean Jack is his father!” You spat. “You know how that feels, don’t you Dean?”

The elder Winchester was silent as you two continued to stare at each other. Your face was red and Dean’s was emotionless, but there was something behind his eyes that you couldn’t make out.

You grabbed your book off the table, bid a harsh goodnight to the brothers and left the room.

As you made your way down the hallways to Jack’s, you started to feel a stinging pain all over your chest and stomach. It felt as if someone was stabbing you with a small knife- oh no. 

Lifting your t-shirt, you found different sizes of purple, white and light pink hyacinth flowers growing out of different spots of your stomach and chest. There were a lot, too many for your liking.

Immediately, you sprinted down the rest of the hallways until you finally found his room. Jack was standing in the middle of the room, his back turned to you and a large bloody kitchen knife in hand.

He grunted every time the knife hit his body and the squishing sounds of his skin meeting the sharp knife could be heard from outside the bedroom.

You instantly popped open the door right away.

“Jack!”

Hearing your voice, the said boy turned around right as you forcibly grabbed the knife from his hand.

“(Y/n), I-”

“What are you doing?! What are you...why are you...Jack...” You couldn’t even find the right words to speak as tears were forming in your eyes absentmindedly.

There were holes in his white shirt, some parts of the tears in his shirt were bloody. Although, the scars from the knife were completely gone. Still horrified from what you just witnessed, you pulled Jack into a hug. Tears were definitely running down your face now, not that you cared.

“Jack...what the hell were you thinking?” You questioned him as you released him from your hug and gripped onto his shoulders. He just remained quiet, staring down at the floor.

“Answer me, dammit!”

Slowly, Jack’s eyes met your tear filled ones. A single tear fell from his eye. As much as you regret raising your voice at him, your emotions were too strong at the moment.

“(Y/n),” He spoke. “What the hell am I?”

The question caught you a bit off guard, you didn’t really know what to respond with. Sure, Jack knew he had powers and that he was the son of an Archangel, but he didn’t know to the extent of what he actually is.

“I can’t control...whatever this is. I will hurt someone.” Jack’s voice was crestfallen.

“I’ll hurt you.”

The words alone broke your whole heart.

Jack was so sure that he’ll end up killing someone, that he’ll end up hurting you and it was utterly heartbreaking to see the love of your life like this. Jack didn’t ask for these powers, he didn’t ask to be Lucifer’s son. Jack just wanted to live.

“Maybe. Maybe not. In this bunker, we all get hurt around here. Whether or not it’s emotional or physical, we all get hurt.” You confessed, knowing it was the truth.

“But I believe in you, Jack. I believe that you won’t hurt me. I believe that you can be saved. And so does Sam.”

Jack slightly shook his head. “But not Dean.”

You sighed and bit down on your tongue, wanting to slam Dean’s head against the bunker’s concrete floors but forcing yourself not to.

“Screw Dean. Okay, screw anyone who doesn’t think you can be saved. Because I’ve been around these Winchesters long enough to know that you are capable of being saved.”

Your rested your foreheads against each other, and while Jack was a bit taller than you, it didn’t matter. The intimate moment was calming, your sniffles and tears started to subdue and the air around you seemed to feel a little less doleful.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“Don’t be. You shouldn’t be sorry for what you are.” You carressed his cheek with your hand.

“Did the flowers grow where I hurt myself?” He asked, suddenly worried.

“Yeah, they did. But it’s okay,” You reassured him. “I like the flowers.”

-

Lemme know if you wanna be tagged in my Supernatural stories!

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@shortwinchester​ | @coltcas |​ @urlaslongasafalloutboysongtitle | @irinazatyk​ @meadow-melody​ | @eleventhdoctorsangel​ | @xsweetnsour​ | @gay-drian-cain​

-

Help and support the Black Lives Matter campaign in any way you possibly can!

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Thread of petitions you can sign!!

[buy-me-a-color-tv]

hello ✨

i‘m very sorry that i haven‘t replied in quite a while but i‘ve had a lot on my mind lately. i just broke up with boyfriend after being with him for nearly for years and i was so so convinced he was the one. spoiler alert: apparently he wasn‘t and it‘s been so hard to admit this to myself that i‘m no longer happy in the relationship and that i don‘t love him in a romantic way anymore. and i just need to get this out now because i don‘t really want to share this with anyone in my life right now so under the disguise of the anon i will share it with you. it hurts a little to think that i spent the last four years of my life with someone and with just five words it‘s over. it doesn’t hurt that it‘s over, in all honesty i‘m really glad it is but the fact that it was so easy to let go in the end hurts. it hasn‘t been a good relationship in a while and i felt like he wasn’t making an effort to change things and tbh he was never really that affectionate in the beginning but that‘s a whole other story. i just grew so tired of fighting for him and especially of thinking for him because he never remembers dates and he never does any household chores without reminding and i was just so so tired. he is not my responsibility but he made himself so dependable on me that he made himself my responsibility and i‘m so relieved that that is over.

i think i ranted enough for now. anyway i‘m really glad your dinner went well and that you got to spend quality time with your friend!! sounds awesome ♥️

i already know i passed two of my exams so that‘s a big step to bachelor’s thesis and against everything i told you the last times i will try to speed my bachelor’s degree up a bit because i just want to start something new rn.

crossing my fingers for you tho!! i really hope you find a professor to oversee your thesis and that you get to write about the topic you want to and that you enjoy!

i also hope that your little surgery helped defeat your infection and that you‘re alright now!! lip infections are a nasty business

in all honesty? please just throw all your thoughts into the answer to that ask because that‘s what i‘m doing as well right now and it currently helps me cope and if it helps you too, please just tell me everything you need to talk about.

i can only hope my older self will look back at that week and say that yes i did the right thing and yes it worked out in the end because right now i don’t feel like it but then again... if he was the one i wouldn’t have had all these doubts so yeah. we‘ll see what the future brings.

for now i wish you a very happy race day - personally i was rooting for a sewis podium but that’s way out of reach now lmao - and hope you enjoy your day even if i dragged the mood down a bit

chocolate to you (and me too bc i really need it rn) 🍫🍫🍫

much love

your favorite anon 🍫😉

Hey you lovely person 🤍,

Easy stuff first for now 💫

I did find a professor who wants to work with me on my thesis! I'm so relieved because my biggest fear was not being able to finish before the next semester starts and now I feel like I made at least some progress. It's a lot of research right now but I'm happy I'm getting somewhere.

The lip is all good for now as well. Stitches are out and it's healing - check up is in 2 weeks and then I'm gonna know more.

Yeah a Sewis podium would be a dream for this season - I mean I had hopes for Seb but after that race they got a bit crushed again. I can only hope he's making progress in every race and then we're getting there. Super happy for Lewis win tho - as always! 😍

As for the heavy stuff: I wish you all the strength you need right now. Break ups are never easy, it doesn't matter under what conditions they happen. And you are right your partner is not your responsibility - they should share the chores and housework with you. It's all about compromises - always. And I understand that you got tired of always being the one who had to remember and who had to think for two people basically. Nevertheless letting go of someone, especially after such a long time, and 4 years are quite some time, that hurts. So please take all the time you need to work through that and if you need to take time of tumblr I completely understand. Your valid, your time to process your decision is valid 💫

Bu I dare say that since you've said you're feeling relieved that he's not your responsibility anymore, it seems to me that you made the right choice. I wish you a good support system with chosen family and friends who can take your mind off things a bit as well.

Super happy you passed two exams!! And if that helps you to finish sooner then even better, you've got this ❤️ I'm sure you're gonna pass the other ones as well!

I hope this week treated you kindly and that you could enjoy some of it 💫 all the good thoughts, positive vibes and chocolate I can think go to you ❤️

All my love and as always, thank you so much for stopping by 🤍

[willykappymarnsmatts]

Wrong Direction: Chapter 3 (K. Kapanen)

@moriellymakesmesoft

My phone rings with a FaceTime call from Kasperi a few hours after we texted. My heart stops and I feel like my chest is about to explode. I let it ring out twice before swiping right on the screen to answer the call. When it connects, I see Kasperi wearing a light pink hoodie with the hood pulled up over his wavy brown hair. He looks so cozy, so comfortable. He smiles gently at the screen when I answer, taking me in the same way I am him.

“Hey,” he says so gently it's almost a whisper.

“Hey,” I say back. I turn on my side, laying under the covers on my bed. I continue to just watch him, my heart swelling. My feelings are so conflicting, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm still just as much in love with Kas as I was the day I met him, and that might never change. He was the first person I ever fell in love with.

“Look, Y/N, I feel so bad for what I did. Like, fuck, I don’t even know how to say what I’m trying to, uhh…” he looks away from the screen as he talks and tries to come up with words to explain himself.

I giggle slightly. He looks back at the screen, his brown eyes sparkling. “I missed that laugh.”

I smile gently back at him, my temples throbbing. “I'm still mad at you, Kasperi.”

He pouts. “I know. I know you are. I hate myself for ever causing you this much pain, believe me. I wanna fix this. I want to be the one to love you.”

“It's really not that easy. What you did is unforgivable. Do you really think I'll run back to you just like that? I have some self-worth, Kas, and I know I didn't deserve that. That night, I wanted to make you a nice dinner because I felt bad for leaving you at home while I was working, despite the fact that there was nothing for me to feel bad about because I was out working. I wasn't the one cheating.”

“I know. I know, I’m so fucking stupid. I really fucked up, I know. I don’t deserve a second chance. I don’t even deserve you talking to me at all right now. I deserve jack shit, I know that. But I don’t want to lose you. Is there any way I can fix this? I’ll do anything to get you back, Y/N.”

I look away from the screen and take a breath. When I look back, he's staring at me with the same doe-eyed expression as when he first asked me out. “I don’t know.”

He looks like he might cry, and in the back of my mind I feel bad for being so harsh, but I quickly push that thought away, reminding myself how grave his mistake really was. I went to sleep crying for months. I gave him my all for what felt like forever and he threw it all away in one action. Everything felt like it was built on lies upon lies upon lies. He runs his hand down his face and pushes his hair back under his hood. “What do I do to fix this?”

I'm silent for a moment, wondering if there is even a way to fix this. “Why did you do it?” I wince as soon as the words leave my mouth, unsure of whether or not I really want to hear his answer. “I, uhm, I never gave you a chance to explain yourself.” After I saw him in bed with that girl, I left without saying another word to Kasperi. And even though that's justifiable, I still feel a little guilty.

“I thought you didn't love me anymore. You were always out doing album promotions, and it felt like there was so much distance between us. I felt like you were pushing me away, and I didn’t want to believe that, I didn't want to think about it. I needed a distraction, and that sounds so fucking stupid, I know. I regretted it as soon as she walked into the apartment.

“Y/N I need you. I need you to understand how badly I need you. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function without you. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but if you just trust me I know I can fix this. Let me fix us, please.”

I'm silent, thinking and trying not to think. “Kasperi that's the whole point, I can’t trust you, no matter how badly I want to. Please believe how badly I want to trust you like I did. But I'm coming back to Toronto next month. William’s letting me move back in with him.”

Kasperi’s eyes brighten at the news. “Then let me take you out. Let me, Y/N. Please. I miss you so fucking much, oh my God.”

I smile slightly at him, and it grows wider when I see his eyes brighten at the sight of it. If there were such things as soulmates, one person made specifically for another, I think that Kasperi would be mine. There's a lot of hurt in my chest when I look at him or think about him, but there's also an overpowering amount of love. “That would be nice.” He smiles so wide, the first smile he’s given me in what feels like forever.

“I'm going to fix this. I'm going to win you back. You're gonna be my girl again, baby, trust me. Oh, just you wait and see.” I can't help but smile back at him. There's a large amount of trust that he has to win back, but just hearing his voice makes me feel safe and warm and happy.

“Let’s see, Kasu.”

He just smiles back at me. “So, uhm, how are things in Montreal? How’s Domi?”

“Well, he's very much not on your side in this whole thing,” I laugh, to which he smiles and shakes his head.

“He was never on my side, it's not like I lost a fan or anything.”

I laugh, and the nerves in my stomach about calling him, about opening back up a wound that was just starting to heal, are gone. I still have my guard up, but he's my safety. He's my normal, my happiness.

My everything.

So I have to give him a chance to fix this. I have to give us a chance to fix us. Because he's my world, and it would be a mistake to throw everything in the garbage without ever trying to fix it. We continue to talk for a few more hours until I glance at the time and see it's close to three in the morning.

“Do you have practice tomorrow?”

“Yeah, at six. Why?”

“Because six is in less than three hours.”

“Are you joking?” He jumps slightly and his eyes widen as he searches frantically for the time to see if I'm telling the truth. I laugh at him and he calms down, smiling at me. “You're so beautiful.”

“Stop it,” I smile. “I know what you're trying to do and it's not gonna work, Kapanen.”

“I don't know what you’re talking about. I'm simply telling the truth.”

“You have to go to bed.”

He pouts at me. “I don't.”

“You do. I know you haven't been sleeping, you have to sleep tonight. In your own bed.”

He frowns, but nods. “I don't wanna hang up. I never want to stop talking to you ever again.”

“Yeah, well, your phone’s gonna die, and if you wanna talk after practice you should charge it.”

“You'll talk to me after practice tomorrow?” He sounds like a little boy who just got told he'd get ice cream after practice.

“Well, that's usually when I call William, but if you call me first…”

“Oh, I will, don't even worry.”

We stare at each other in silence.

“Good night, Y/N.”

“Good night, Kasu.”

“Can you hang up? Because-”

I cut him off by pressing the end call button and smile. Not even two seconds later a text dings.

‘HEY!!!!’

‘Go to bed.’

‘fine. but only bcuz ik i get a chance to win u back’

‘Mhm. Gn Kasu.’

‘gn <3’

I smile at the phone screen and put it on the table next to my bed. I should probably get up and take a quick shower before falling asleep, but I decide to just shower in the morning. I don't want to break the feeling Kasperi gave me. I smile as I shut my eyes, thinking that he really might love me as much as I thought he did before everything spiralled out of control.

I go to sleep with a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes for the first time in months. Maybe I'm a fool, but that's what love does to you. I'm willing to give Kasperi another chance, because he really might be my forever person. I missed him more than words can describe, and I can't wait to see him again, to feel his embrace. I will always love him, no matter what, and despite the amount of hurt he made me feel, I know that we can make it past this.

He means so much to me, and I want to try to make it work, at least once more. I don't want to give up hope of a future with him, a future of late night calls when he's on the road, him coming to my shows, and little kids running around the house. I don't want to give up hope of a life with Kasperi, and I know that we can fix things between us. He loves me, and I love him, and with that we can get through anything together.

‘R u awake?’

‘im going 2 sleep rn but ya’

‘We’re gonna be ok. It'll take time, but I think we're gonna be ok, w each other’

‘trust me, Y/N, i will never ever hurt u again. i love you sm’

‘I love u forever, no matter what’

‘<3’

[cravingcrazewriting]

Doubts {Treebros}

A/N- This is for the DEH gift exchange! @sincerely-us They're @unoriginalurl77, and one of their prompts was Evan has a bad day, cue hurt/comfort. Trigger Warning- mentions of cutting

The second Evan can't get out of bed, he knows it'll be a bad day.

He couldn't feel anything. Whatever emotion resigned from the day before had completely left, leaving him feeling numb. Well, emotionally numb. It felt like there was a giant weight of expectations and wants everyone expected from him but he just couldn't.

He couldn't even get out of bed.

"Evan? Aren't you going to get ready?" Heidi knew Evan usually got up early so he had plenty of time to eat and get ready to go. She was a bit worried, but she tried to have a little fun with him, for both their sakes.

"I— I can't," Evan choked out, bunching his blankets up and shutting his eyes tight.

"You can't?" Heidi asked slowly, almost to herself. "Is it one of those days?"

He was freaking her out, making her worry, just like always. She'd have to call in and waste her time. She could be resting but no, no Evan had to have issues, like usual. He had to keep bearing her down, keep being a burden, keep being worthless.

"I'll take that as a yes," oh, he hadn't said anything. Faintly, he registered her sigh and run her fingers through his hair. The familiar touch was grounding and nice. "I'll call in for you, okay?"

Evan could only nod as she pulled out her phone and called the school. He didn't catch everything she said, just that he wasn't going to school. Everything else was faded and a blur. It didn't feel real. Nothing felt real.

After Heidi left, Evan fell asleep for an hour. When he woke again, he saw some eggs sitting on his nightstand, and was reminded of the fact he hadn't eaten anything, from the emptiness of his stomach. He willed himself to slowly sit up from the confines of his blankets, and carefully took the plate onto his lap so he wouldn't spill it (even if he did, he didn't think he was in the right mental state to clean it up).

Heidi always made pretty much everything great, which was a shame she wasn't home as much, but it was a treat when she cooked for Evan. Part of his mind scolded him for making her use probably the last of the eggs when she could've given him pop tarts or something. Evan sucked in a breath and closed his eyes tight, trying to will away those thoughts. He fisted his blankets as he tried to stay calm and not spiral. They didn't use eggs much, anyways. There wasn't a lot of harm done, and they could go a week or two without them.

Once he managed to relax, he set the plate back on his nightstand to put away later and grabbed his phone, and well. He wasn't expecting a barrage of messages.

Con: hey were r u?

Con: r u ok? I'm hella worried

Con: should I get ur math??

Con: fuck it

Con: I'm getting ur math

Con: r u sick? I kinda just wanna skip and come see u

Con: evvvvv please answeeerrrr

Evan shook his head, finding those messages from his boyfriend just a bit endearing. Briefly, he knew it was around third hour and that class was still in session, but he couldn't ignore him, because would Connor get the wrong idea? Would he be bothered by what he'd say? He'd hurt him if he ignored the message because it'd seem like Evan didn't care enough to reply, which was not the case, he did care, almost too much, and then Connor would break up with him, his mom would see how heartbroken he was, get even more worried, and he'd end up being one of those guys that couldn't leave his house due to an overbearing family member.

It was extremely unlikely, but Evan's mind was all over the place that day. Deep down, he knew it was unlikely, but some parts were far too probable.

Evan: Just taking a mental health day. I'm okay.

Evan: You can come after school?? If you're not busy??

Evan: I just don't want to make you skip.

After an agonizing few minutes, he got a response.

Con: hell yeah i'm coming over. Gotta be crazy not to.

Ironically enough, that was enough to make Evan smile a little.

Con: and ur not a burden. Don't care how many times I have to say it, cuz I always will.

Con: I love u, Ev.

Con: <33333

Evan: I love you too, Connor. So fucking much <333

Evan tried to use Connor's words to motivate himself. He was loved, he was loved, he was loved, he stubbornly kept telling himself as he moved to sit on the side of the bed, and elevated himself upwards, stumbling only once to regain his footing. He took the plate and let out a breath.

'Small steps,' he thought to himself. 'Small steps. Take it at one, small step at a time.'

It wasn't anything big, but he made his way to the kitchen, washed his plate with a few others, and put it in the dishwasher for a more thorough rinsing later on (when it was full, at least). Afterwards, he walked out onto his backyard porch, in need of some fresh air.

Evan let out a small breath, leaning against the wooden railing as he gazed at the trees that stretched outwards beyond him. Normally, he would've been freezing, as he was only wearing grey shorts and a long sleeved blue t shirt, but in that moment, it didn't bother him. The only thing he could register was his own thoughts that made him spiral further and further downwards.

'He was completely worthless. It took him hours to get out of bed when it's supposed to come naturally. He can't talk to people, he can't do anything worthwhile. So many people have it worse than he does. He's just a burden on his mom and Connor. He's a burden on Alana, Zoe, and Jared. They don't care. Nobody does. It's all just an act, a sham. Why would they care?'

Evan spent almost an hour outside, crying softly as he held onto his arms. The bitter air was only warming up slowly and slowly, but it wasn't enough for his body. Deep down, he knew he had to go back inside. He assumed he was pretty much guaranteed to get a cold at this rate, but he didn't want anything worse.

Warmth cascaded all through Evan as he re-entered the empty house. His body felt like it was ignited as he got uncomfortably warm. He rubbed at his arms as he went to the bathroom to try and cool down.

He shed his clothes quickly and stepped into the shower, flinching at how cold it was. He didn't have the willpower to change it, though, because really, that was why he went in. To cool off, that was all.

Evan caught a glimpse of his hips and legs. They were barraged with various scars, some short and ending roughly while others were long and carefully planned out. He began to shake slightly, willing his eyes away as he curled his hands into fists. Despite trying to shake away the self deprecating thoughts that clouded his mind, he began to cry. He felt ashamed of those scars, and he wanted to heal so badly. While granted, none were very recent, there had been some lapses he wasn't proud of.

He spent a half an hour inside the shower, occasionally letting a couple of tears drop from his eyes, and once he's out, he feels awful about the time he took, and that the water bill would probably go up because of him.

Evan didn't feel like changing his outfit drastically, as he slipped on some sweatpants to forget about what caused his (second) breakdown in the first place. After he grabbed his phone and a blanket, he curled up onto the couch with said blanket and began watching whatever was on television. He didn't move from his spot, despite knowing he needed to eat lunch, but couldn't find the motivation to.

Con: hey Ev, I just got out and I'm coming to see u rn :3

Evan: You can just come in when you get here. Just ring the doorbell for a forewarning

Con: got it. Omw

About ten minutes after their short conversation, the doorbell rang, and a moment after, Connor stepped inside.

"Hey Ev. Doing okay?" His expression had worry printed all over.

When Evan attempted to reply, he realized he hadn't uttered a single word all day. So, he cleared his throat and said, "Kinda."

"Your eyes are red," one thing Connor was trying to work on was not jumping to conclusions, but he still slipped up more than he cared to admit.

Evan couldn't deny a statement like that. So, he just shrugged his shoulders.

"Can I— is it okay if I touch you?" Connor took a seat beside him, keeping a little distance.

Evan, who didn't feel like using his voice, just nodded.

Connor scooted closer to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You wanna talk about it?"

Deep down, he sort of wanted to, but at the same time, he couldn't because it was too much. "Um— later?"

"Okay," he whispered, giving his shoulder a little rub. "What'd you need right now?"

"A distraction, p-please?" Evan was shaking slightly, and leaning into his touch.

Connor seemed happy to oblige, as he began talking about stuff that happened at school. Heidi had apparently told his mom that Evan wouldn't be there, but he didn't learn this till fifth hour from Jared, after they'd already established that. He talked about how Alana apparently didn't take mental health days, but that she hoped he'd feel better. Apparently Zoe had been worried at first too, because she informed Connor of a small routine they had. When they were passing from first hour to second hour, they'd cross paths and wave. Connor surprisingly found it nice as they had their own thing.

He then launched into rant about the math teacher, how she didn't know what she was doing, and how easily she gave up on kids. Apparently she told Connor he just wasn't going anywhere in life (that was absolutely not true at all, she said that to other students), and he had to resist the urge to just scream at her with how wrong she was, because that'd just prove her point.

When he was done talking, Evan cleared his throat, "Er, I'm ready, now."

"Okay," Connor moved his arm from his shoulders to grab his hand. He was waiting for Evan to start.

He took a deep, slightly unsteady breath, and began, saying, "This morning I couldn't get out of bed. I just... c-couldn't face the world as the disappointment I am. I couldn't— I couldn't force myself up, everything was just— t-too much."

Evan spared a glance at Connor, who looked upset at this new information, but didn't say anything. He made a gesture for him to continue.

"I managed to fall back asleep. When I woke up uhm, mom l-left some eggs for me and you texted me. So I did all that.. s-stuff and went outside. It just... hit me, that I'm b-burdening everyone, that all of you would be better off without me," Evan feebly rubbed at his eyes. He didn't want to start crying for a third time that day.

He felt Connor's grip on his hand tighten. "Evan, no... that's not true at all. It's okay to need a break, or to break down, because I know you'll get back up. That's what you always do, and that's what makes you so strong. If you... were gone now, I'd be heartbroken. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, but mostly, I'd wonder how I could've helped.."

Evan sniffled, and rubbed his nose.

"You're my light at the end of the tunnel. You help me find my way and keep me going. If I lost you, I’d be lost,” he smiled sadly. “I love you, Evan, and I’ll try to be the same for you.”

He was crying again, but this time, it was happy tears. He pulled Connor into a hug and whispered, “Thank you, Connor. I love you, too.”

And as he felt Connor’s arms wrap around him, he finally felt okay.

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 15

IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY LOSES THEIR SHIT ON MAIN:

“Tell her I said: fuck you, you miserable, conniving bitch. I don’t answer her summons. I don’t obey her orders. I’m through. I’m through with her, with all of you—”

THERE’S LORE, BUT IMPORTANTLY MURPHY REMEMBERS WHY THEY THINK CINDER’S HOT. LITERALLY.

already??? already??? yes, already. this chapter is called ‘nothing personal’ anmd i think that this is a lie. this is abt to get very personal very quickly.

It had taken two more days for Glynda’s soul to become bearable enough for Cinder to sit next to her on a bus.

out of the funniest lines they could have used to open the chapter up, this is just Peak. there’s so many moving parts to this. glynda’s rank soul. cinder having to be nice for TWO DAYS to make her chill out. the fact they’re taking the most menial form of transport of all time. oh my god they were sat beside each other. this is already so funny.

Gravity Dust glittered like volcanic glass.

👈😎👈 we sure love volcanoes around here huh

The clearing Cinder found was some twenty minutes from where she left Glynda with instructions for something salty for her.

im almost POSITIVE im not supposed to find these lines funny but cinder you are RADIATING salt you are COMPOSED ENTIRELY of salt please. you’ve asked for smthng salty and glynda’s gonna come back announcing she’s foiled all yr plans on accident again.

Mercury had stopped sending messages a month and a half ago. Emerald’s last one was a week old.

im almost definitely mentioned it in a prior liveblog but its worth remembering: cinder’s relationship w/ merc and em rly was the deciding factor in me suddenly loving her as a character and i just. every interaction they have hurts so good. cinders got TWO kids and even if her face says otherwise she loves them very much and that heals me on the inside

“There’s no way anyone knows about this island. We’re the only ones out here. Merc and I have to get his shitty frozen pizzas airshipped in.”

“Still. Be careful.” She paused for a moment. “...Is that all he’s eating?”

“You know he’d die before he ate a vegetable.”

“He will, at this rate.”

I LOVE U MOMMA CINDER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA this is SO good. this section HEALS ME!!!!!!!! which is good because i have a feeling the rest of this will gore me alive

"I promise. At the end of all of this, I'm coming back and I'm not leaving again. Trust me."

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA god u cant tell thru text alone but this section is K I L L I N G me and H E A L I N G me and also KIL L I

“It doesn’t have anything to do with trust,” Cinder said, miserably. “I need you to be safe.”

N G M E

The line between us and them had felt so concrete.

god i just. theres so much i still cant say that isnt 👈👈👈😨👈👈👈 but cinder and hati and all this other STUFF happening in the bg is so good and i just love how nuanced this dumbass is. cinder fall, the woman who never wins, and her brief moments of comfort. she is my ANGEEEEEEEEEEL

Now the only thing left was to deliver her to Atlas; if she had to speak with her more to do that, she would.

Not that she wanted to have to admit that to Hati.

cinder:there’s a lot of we and our going on and i’m a little nervous that the more we talk the more thats gonna happen and i gotta say; not a fan.

and [Glynda]’s desperate for—”

A heritage? A purpose? Belonging?

“She’s desperate,” Cinder finished, softly. Then: “She’s coming willingly.”

this might be another 👈😎👈 situation or im just drawing parallels like a three year old with a newfound ruler but HRM. CINDER. HRM.

Rather, her stomach twisted at the implications. Everything was ready. The machine worked. All that was left was to deliver the final piece.

“Okay. Good.” It was good. It was the culmination of years of work.

whats good and fun is watching cinder wrestle w/ her own humanity and its rly good because even as she tries her very best to use ppl to her own ends that pesky lil soft bitch inside makes her second guess everything and its GREAT fun. u can rly see that as soon as she spends longer than an allotted 10 minutes w/ somebody she starts being like ‘hrm. oh no’. oh cinder. u soft bitch. ilu.

The spot beneath his wing, though… Cinder folded into it as though it were meant for her, as though they were meant for each other, bodies fitted so easily. Here, safe, she closed her eyes and dreamed bleakly of the days to come.

i swear to god i cannot wait until [redacted] and [redacted] and [REDACTED] happens cause then i can lose my shit abt this ALL OVER AGAIN but for now. for now. immerse myself in cinder cuddles. im holding back but on the inside im feral

but Cinder was all calm, sliding through the trees like she belonged here. Like it was her domain by birthright.

FERAL.... FERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because they were not friends, Glynda asked, “Where are we going?”

i love that glynda has to preface it like a reminder. because they were not friends. because she cannot trust winter. because she blocked oz’s number lmao. it’s great seeing how much more... clinical, i guess, glynda’s thoughts are, and it’s a great way to show the narratives differences? its GOOD is what im trying 2 say on main,

Instead, she complained, “It’s so difficult to be so wanted.”

firstly: i love cinder “i have a complaint” fall is secondly: i am going to read into this. i am going to read into this and divine a second meaning. i am reading into it.

Cinder emerged from the dark like a leviathan sloughing off a sunless sea. It rippled around her shoulders, swallowed the back of her skull, but the only sharpness to her was her smile. It was the first time Cinder had smiled since returning from her meeting with the Manticore.

oho. ohoohohohoooohohohooOUGHHOHOHO she hot. nasty mean lady big hott.

“You don’t scare me,” Glynda insisted.

“Silly you,” said Cinder. “Come on. I’ll lead.”

hohogughgohohoghgh f flirtign.......................,,,,,,,,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.

a faint light was stirring to life before her—suffusing out along Cinder’s chest and throat, spilling from her heart and out through her skin. In the beginning, it was so faint it seemed to be an illusion; but no, soon enough it was undeniable, and Glynda could even make out the rough shapes of the wall and floor.

YEEEEEEEEES i love. glowy lantern cinder. like theres a lot of fun little canons abt cinder in this fic i adore but the fact that she glows is like fuckin TOP. look at her. lil candle baby. shes like a microwave bean toy. i adore her.

She walked like a queen through her domain, seemingly irrespective of where on Remnant they were; even here, underground, in forgotten left-behind places, Cinder reigned.

god im sorry im too busy being gay to even be paying attention to anything rn i LOVE cinder to DEATH,,,,,,,,,, she knows shes the thing 2 be feared around here and its so good. i cant wait for her to open her big mouth and fuck it up again!!!

“High Leader Khan requires your presence in Mistral, Ms. Fall. She advises that you attend promptly, in order to discuss the missing members of our organization.”

A hum. Cinder said, “I don’t want to.”

GHSDFGSDFGHKJDF cinder you are. smthng else. shes just so LIKE THAT. what a great chapter for cinder this has been im SIPPIN baby

okay im doing a lot of leaping haead here and its not for lack of having anything 2 say in fact its QUITE the opposite because this whole bit is. wow. we got lore??? lore??? abt so many things??? what does any of it mean????? I AM NOT SURE BUT IM LOVIN IT (tm)

“It’s not a Semblance, idiot.” The control in Cinder’s voice was all staccato, pitching cold to inferno in an instant. “It was a gift.

okay bear with me for this JUICY LORE but i am Deeply fascinated by this section. im not gonna. say anything because idk how this is tying up yet (bear with) but HOO. HOOOOOOO. im trying to like keep grabbing sections but this whole part is SO GOOD i am loving-- like-- id have to-- TRUST ME THE OG WASNT AS SPICY AS THIS OKAY

THIS IS SO MUCH SPICER AND ITS GOOD

Cinder glowed like the magma heart of a volcano.

ITS SPICY ITS GOOD ITS 👈😍👈

im gonna have to reread this bit to get the full effect because the downside of a liveblog like this is having to stop-start but OUGHGHGHGUGHUGH THE LORE,,, THE MASKS,,, THE FANG??? also sienna dont listen 2 her baby i love u too

Cinder looked like a line to be crossed, and even though they weren’t friends—rather the opposite—Glynda found she didn’t want to cross her. Not now, when the emotion was still raw on her face.

oughgh... the vulnerability. cinder... snoft... but also angery 😔

this was SUCH a good chapter im DYING i love cinder in offal hunt to BITS and this arc is already feeding me so much good shit. fuck yea. FUCK YEA. HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--