#and probably any number of other things because I'm still finding new triggers

[thethingything]

I'm pretty sure our teeth are getting more painful and I don't know what to do about it. I'd have gone for another appointment by now if it wasn't for what happened back in January. sedation freaks us out too much to be a viable option for getting treatment without panicking, but getting treatment while not sedated doesn't feel safe with the way the flashbacks from this tend to be (they usually involve the same movements from at the time, so lurching forward and putting my hands up in front of my face) so I feel like I'd be risking getting injured more.

articles online recommend booking appointments for consultations where they don't do anything as a way to expose yourself to being in the dentist's office and yeah that might work but I don't think we have the energy to keep going to appointments where we don't get treatment.

there's also a lot of stuff that's like "you probably had a bad experience as a kid and it wasn't as bad as you remember it being" or "it's very unlikely you'll go through anything similar again" when like, the last two appointments both fucked me up and we've had similarly distressing ones in the past and had dentist related PTSD symptoms for years, and I hate that everything seems to use "it's so unlikely that you'd go through this more than once" as reassurance.

I'm so fucking tired. I've had to deal with this shit and I've had to deal with other medical trauma because apparently medical professionals can't seem to grasp that you actually need to fucking listen to patients and accommodate their fucking needs. and now I have to deal with all the consequences while they get to just keep doing the same shit with no repercussions.

but anyway, one of my teeth still has a huge cavity, several other teeth feel weird and keep getting painful in a way that feels like they've got cracks in them or something. some of these teeth have had 3 or 4 fillings in them by now and at this point I'm not sure if it's our teeth being especially weak or the dentists doing a particularly bad job or both, given how much more painful some of them got after having fillings. I don't know what to do with any of this

[vsaintsin]

Writeblr Re-Intro

Yo! I'm V Saintsin. Or V or Vin or Saintsin or whatever you want to call me that sounds right on your tongue. I'm a self-proclaimed Social Media fumbler who got a late start to the party and has never quite figured it out. I hate how hipster and edgy it sounds to say "I'm bad at social media" but like I used to work with some people who actually managed the social media accounts for the business we worked for and there were rules and whatnot and damn, I think online media is just not my medium. That being said, here I am! Hah

I'm an author and general mess who's hoping to be the miracle man (somebody who makes a living writing silly little stories). I do use a pseudonym but please hear me out when I say I didn't realize how edgy it sounds, it just has some sentimental value to my personal life. I'm so sorry that I sound like I'm in my emo phase HAHA

About me -

He/Him Transguy from the American Midwest (arguably the south, depending on who you talk to, but the older people still say "Sodi-pop" and "ope").

I'm dysautonomic, bendy, permanently sleepy, and a survivor of Crappy Doctors Who Suck At Doctoring.

I like DnD, Pathfinder, Baldur's Gate 3, Cyberpunk, Dragon Age, and other things in that vein.

I do make art of my stories and characters (Tablet is currently not working so I'm in a dry spell).

My writing background is predominantly ancient, dusty RPs from as far back as the foopets days and fanfic writing on Quizilla - I am an old and wizened elder of the net.

My formal education was music performance and behavioral neuroscience, I don't really know how I got where I am.

This is not my first rodeo with tumblr but it is the first time I have anything to SAY instead of just lurking.

In the event of malfunction, you can put me outside for 5 minutes and I'll probably factory reset.

My existence as I know it hinges on a massive number of sticky notes plastered throughout my room.

What I'm lookin' for -

Idk, whatever? I'm down for most things. Did you write it? Cool, let me see. I'm not too bent on genre or anything, just fascinated by the art of storytelling.

A bit tentative with fanfiction but that's just because if it's not a fandom I'm familiar with I am rather clueless about what the hell is going on and if it's a fandom I am familiar with I HUNT DOWN THE DEEP LORE.

I like art a whole lot, including fanart. Also art advice, love seeing things from different perspectives and learning something new.

Mutuals, really, for any reason. Building better connections on here, getting to know people. I am hideously bad at this but I try.

What I write -

Science Fiction with heavy subjects that matter to me - trigger warnings on a story-by-story basis.

High Fantasy (eventually books I think?) characters and their backgrounds for DnD and Pathfinder - I have been tempted to share these to help people get ideas or just for free use?

Things that I delete because I have crippling imposter syndrome and publishing makes me nauseous (doin' it tho).

Stories that I hope will make people feel less alone or that people could relate to, stories that I wish I had when life was worse and I was reaching out for anything I could find to keep me afloat, stories that try to be critical of things that SUCK in a way that's any helpful.

Lots of curse words and cussing (that's just how people talk 'round here), dubious science, things that I hope might make you cry but in a good way though.

Character-Driven stories that revolve more around the development of the person and less around the plot itself if that makes sense.

I've put blurb things below for my primary project/series which features a grumpy, queer, 37-year old chain smoking Frenchman and his misadventures with life and love and unbridled rage. If any of that sounds cool stick around and hang out? (This part is a plug bc I did a thing and I'm proud of it) And if my books sounds interesting the first one is 99 cents on Kindle and you just need a phone and a free app to read it!

THE SECRET OF LIFE (Published) - Sci-Fi/Psychological Thriller, Bi M Lead, Lovers to Enemies, AI but the oldschool cool kind not the real world thing that's stealing our future

Carlisle-Trystan Antoinette is a mercenary on a hard road, navigating life and death itself in an infinite cycle started by powers above his understanding. He has one mission - warn The Dianican Space Station of the coming threat and put a stop to a war that would encapsulate the whole of the Sol System before it can ever begin. Unfortunately for Carlisle, reality is a tenuous thing, made up only by our understanding of it. At least, according to his Psychiatrist, who tells him that there is no war, that he was never a mercenary, and that what Carlisle is experiencing is a severe but manageable psychotic break. Stripped of his combat enhancements, his bio monitor, and everything he's every known, Carlisle has a decision to make. Does he give in to the thoughts and memories, so real that he can almost taste them, or does he live a life of comfort and ease, returning to a husband and daughter that he left behind?

TWs: Domestic and War Violence, suicide, rape, medical trauma, grief, drug use

THE SILENCE OF ANGELS (Due 2024, TSoL 2) - Betrayal and Rage, Learning how to love again slow-burn romantic subplot, Learning how to Dad, A general inability for any one thing to just go right

(Quick Rough Blurb that offers no spoilers for TSoL) Making connections isn't easy for somebody who's accustomed to burning bridges. Isolation has always been Carlisle's mantra for surviving his life. Playing a role comes second nature, pretending to be the man that everyone else wants to see in him. When an old friend is murdered Carlisle finds himself as the primary suspect with all evidence pointing to him so clearly that even he calls to question what he is capable of. Unwilling to believe that he could commit such a heinous crime, Carlisle sets off to find the truth of his friend's death - was Carlisle framed or does he truly have the capacity to bring such harm upon those he loves? Old and new bonds will be tested, faith broken, and the future of everyone called into question as lines are drawn and sides are picked.

TWs: Violence, mentions of SA, graphic character death, more grief, more death

I don't know what else to say... Later!

[schizopositivity]

tw: venting, suicidal ideation, talks of (specific) hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia

In the last few months, I discovered I am probably schizospec (initially I believed I had schizophrenia, but I am not certain which it is now) due to getting really bad paranoia from my job that was causing a lot of suicidal ideation.

But, I get a lot of worries about my symptoms not being "bad enough" or using the terms that are for an extremely disabling disorder and thereby minimizing it because I'm clearly not "that bad". And I think part of that is just because I feel like my symptoms that could be positive symptoms aren't terrible. I get visual hallucinations frequently but usually very mild, like pictures animating themselves (often characters looking around or at me) or things moving around that already exist in the world. Any hallucinations that are something completely new are usually very brief and not in the center of my vision (although this isn't always the case). Sometimes I hear noises like doors closing or faint talking, but I don't know if they're real or not. It can definitely trigger a lot of paranoia if I'm in the apartment alone. There's some things that might be delusions because they sound like the kinda things that delusions are often about. But, they feel real and the idea of acknowledging that, or someone telling me they are false is extremely distressing. Especially since they are pretty much the only things keeping me going. I.e. delusions of reference and grandiosity especially. I don't even know if my paranoia is bad enough to call it that. It feels real in the moment, everything does. But there's definitely times where I kinda know it's probably not true, but I still believe it anyway. Which makes me think they aren't properly delusions? I find that hallucinations are really only a problem when I'm already feeling really paranoid in which case they can become terrifying. But if I close my eyes, I just see the scary thing in my brain instead.

But then of course, how would I know if any of my thoughts and experiences are real? I wouldn't know, would I? Sometimes, I can ask someone else if an image is moving for them, but if it's something I haven't even considered could be false, how would I know?

I feel like the symptoms for schizophrenia and StPD describe me extremely well to varying degrees. I've never felt as seen as when I started reading a schizospec culture is blog. Several people who know me very well are certain I have schizophrenia.

The things that could be negative symptoms are really what impact me the most. Flat affect that I can kinda force to sound like I have emotions, but I rarely actually have any emotions at all. Anhedonia, avolition, and apathy affect me a lot. I can't even perceive or begin to care about my future or what happens to me. I have no motivation to do anything. I struggle to find joy in most things, most of the time, even things that previously did. I can't bring myself to care about finding another job.

I can't recognize faces. I'm always dissociated and derealized since I was like 20ish. My memory is terrible. I'm in my mid-20s and a lot of these things, especially hallucinations have gotten exponentially worse the past year or two. I'm not even the same person who was running this body a few months ago. She died and now I'm in control, having to deal with the same problems, but with so few memories to even go on for our past.

But, I can't help but not know if I'm even schizospec or if I'm wrong about everything. I don't know if what I have is "bad enough" or if it's caused by any number of other disorders I have. I don't want to diminish how bad psychosis is. I know that a lot of people who experience derealization think they are experiencing psychosis.

I'm sorry for the rant. I just feel so lost and I don't know if you might have any tips or advice or resources on how to know any of this? I get a professional could be helpful, but I don't want a diagnosis due to the stigma that can cause and I don't want anti-psychotics, because I don't want to find out that anything that keeps me going is false and because of the potential long-term side effects. I also have trauma from being gaslit by therapists, so I am very hesitant to try again and be hurt again.

I'm really sorry you are going through this and feeling like it's still not enough. Your struggles are valid, your fears are enough. The idea that you have to wait until you get to rock bottom to get help is a myth. Also psychosis and schizophrenia are both vast spectrums, so many people with different experiences fall under the umbrella, even if it is considered mild or "not as bad as other people". I felt the same way when my psychosis started creeping in, but it was bad enough all along. I wish I could have gotten help before I had to experience rock bottom. It's never the wrong time to get help, and you deserve it. And from what I've experienced and heard from other people, therapists typically do take psychotic symptoms pretty seriously, especially in adult patients.

Getting professional help can really be worth it, but it does depend on your situation. You will probably be asked things like "do your symptoms impact your daily life?" And "are your symptoms distressing?" And "how frequently do your symptoms occur?" These are all the typical questions when it comes to just about any diagnosis of mental illness, and they are important things to consider and reflect upon, and maybe even keep a journal of if you experience memory issues. And you can use your thoughts on these questions to see if professional help is worth seeking for you.

Psychotic symptoms are most often treated with antipsychotics, and if successful, those will diminish or eliminate the psychotic symptoms, the good, bad and neutral ones. And they also come with side effects, and it will be up to you and your prescriber to see if the pros of less or no psychotic symptoms outweigh the cons of the side effects. Treating psychosis does feel like a tight rope walk in many ways, and it may take months or years to find the right med for you, and even then some people will end up resistant to any medication. But in my experience, getting on antipsychotics was the right choice for me, and improved my quality of life as a whole. And even the delusions and hallucinations that I did enjoy ended up being worth losing in the end, because I have found meaning and self worth in other ways over time.

And if it turns out your symptoms are more related to a dissociative disorder, there are treatment methods for that too. Typically intensive therapy like EMDR, which has its own pros and cons. That would also be worth looking into, to see if the benefits would be worth the trouble for you personally. I have schizophrenia and a dissociative disorder so I have had both types of treatment. For me, the trauma therapy was worth it in the end, it was a lot of hard emotional work for a few months that paid off significantly for years after.

Also having delusions and believing them fully while also knowing they are delusions is a real thing and pretty common! It's called double book-keeping. The term was coined by the same guy that came up with the name "schizophrenia" to begin with, so it has been a known part of psychosis for a long time. You can look up "double book-keeping in schizophrenia" to learn more about it.

I can't help you with figuring out exactly what is going on, but if it is bothering you, it is definitely worth looking into getting help for. Psychotic and dissociative symptoms are both things that you can't fix for yourself at home unfortunately. You can try things to calm your emotional reaction to them (and I encourage that just in general with whatever self care works for you), but to work on treating the root causes of the issues you may need to seek outside help.

[paradoxcase]

Sorry for the extended absence. The Riven 2024 remake came out on the 25th, then I went on vacation to see my aunt, then we all got covid from me going through the airport, I spent like a week and a half recovering from covid and eventually finished Riven, and now I've been decompressing a bit from all that by booting up Stardew Valley 1.6 for the first time since it came out. Eventually I will reboot back into linux and finish listening to the other two Locked Tomb audiobooks, maybe I'll do that this weekend.

Here's some Riven remake thoughts under the cut:

I dislike the animated characters compared to the live action from 1997, but I like that they kept most of the original recorded dialog (from what I've seen, I think the only rerecorded dialog was Atrus?), but the animated characters weren't as bad as I was expecting, so I guess there's that. I'm guessing they probably had to do this because they didn't have 3D recordings in 1997 that would have looked good with the free movement during cutscenes and VR?

I didn't like that the camera angle was locked to the cursor at all times, I feel like they could have done what they did in Exile and Uru and had right click unlock the cursor, that system worked perfectly in those games. It got a little odd during the cutscene where Gehn shows you the trap book, since I guess they wanted you to be able to click on the trap book without moving the camera, maybe because moving the camera significantly during the cutscene triggers the cutscene to end? I didn't play with it a lot, so I'm not sure. But during that cutscene, there was a weird thing where the cursor could move freely, but the camera would follow it slightly after a delay, and it was kind of disorienting

I like the new number system. It never really made any sense that the Moiety would be using D'ni numbers in their puzzle to enter Tay, or that Catherine would use D'ni numbers in her personal journal. I think the Rivenese numbers are much better incorporated into the animal puzzle than the D'ni numbers were in 1997, actually, and I like that you still have to figure out the D'ni number system even though it's no longer used in the specific puzzles it was used in in 1997

I really love the new conception of what the domes are, and why they exist, and how you use them to travel between islands. I also kind of like that you can access Prison Island before accessing Age 233, and actually have to access it before solving the animal puzzle

There was so much potential to the remade animal puzzle, but I feel like the actual implementation fell on its face. The lens was perfect for the puzzle, and so was the idea of using it to find the clues and the numbers, and the numbers themselves were perfect for the puzzle, but the clues were just not it. I was not able to make the clue for totem #1 appear in the game, even when following a guide, I suspect the game is just bugged in this particular place. Totem #6 showed me the wrong animal picture for some reason, not sure if this is a one-time glitch or an actual bug, I'll have to check when I replay the game. Totem #3 and #5 both had a moth as their clue, but obviously it's not possible to choose the moth twice, so this was what ultimately lead me to look in a guide. Apparently #3 is the moth, and #5 is for some reason the frog. After completely the whole game I still don't know what the frog had to do with the moth or how I was supposed to say, hmm, yes, a moth, obviously I'm meant to choose the frog for this one. Also, one of the guides I came across described the sunner as a "toucan", like, dude, have you literally ever seen a picture of a toucan, do you for some reason think a toucan is an animal with four flippers and no wings and flat duck bill, what on Earth would cause someone to describe that shape as a "toucan"? Anyway, I think this part of the game definitely could have been better

I'm a bit confused by the redesign of the prison. The in-game text now identifies the prison as being Gehn's former office before he moved to Age 233, and so I guess it was redesigned so that the elevator no longer has bars for that reason. But we still have information in the game that Gehn would go up to interrogate Catherine periodically - I feel like he would have modified the elevator to allow him to use it without releasing her, the way it worked in the 1997 version. Instead, in this version, we have this thing where you have to go through a railing, off the beaten path, all the way out to the Moiety totem, and then climb a series of ladders and parkour across some precariously placed boards to talk to Cathering through the bars on the outside of the prison. The proximity of all this to totem made me initially think that the Moiety were coming out here to talk to her (since the domes are no longer protected with a password and the Moiety know how the solve the fire marbles puzzle according to Catherine, and must therefore also know how to use the domes to travel between islands) and Gehn was unaware of this route. But since it's now the only way up there without freeing her, Gehn must have been using it, too. I really can't see him assembling this whole parkour arena to get up there, he would have at least built a stairway or another elevator or something. During the course of the game, you discover another rift into the star fissure on Temple Island, and it gets patched up with honest-to-god metal plates after a pretty short period of time. When Gehn needs to get stuff built, he seems pretty efficient about it, and I get the feeling that Catherine has been imprisoned for a while now. There's also kind of a odd thing about the elevator - the elevator can't even be called on the first floor without the password, which does make sense if this was Gehn's private office originally. There seems to be another place to enter the code upstairs too, but it's been broken. Naively you might guess that the code was needed to leave the office, too, and that's how Catherine was imprisoned (which is dumb and also a fire hazard, but I think it's actually totally in character for Gehn to create things which are dumb and also a fire hazard), but this doesn't work, since after Catherine leaves the prison you are still able to call the elevator back up so that you can leave after her. So I'm not sure what the broken code entry is supposed to mean, there

I like that we got to see a bit of Tay and Age 233, although there wasn't a lot to do there. I wonder why Gehn had the smaller wooden Moiety totems on Age 233? Seems out of place

I haven't played through all the bad endings, and still have nine locked achievements on Steam. When I eventually get bored of Stardew again, I'll probably go back and 100% it and see the bad ending content

[dameronswife]

sometimes i just think about poe and it's like. i can't believe you mean this much to me? literally ahead of tfa i just kept scoffing at the descriptions of him, completely expected to be benevolently annoyed with him or meh at best and didn't understand why everyone went off abt how oscar was attractive (like i could tell objectively, but it's rare that i find someone subjectively attractive on a deep level), and then i just. saw poe for the first time on screen in theaters and that was it. instant attraction, and then a few minutes later realizing that oh, no i'm genuinely in love with this man. instant ride or die, we just clicked. i got him on a deeply intimate level just from those few minutes of screentime he has in the movie, that nothing about him following that ever surprised me? just. yeah that's him this makes sense.

and i remember writing what was absolutely self-insert masquerading as canon where r.ey was his best friend and i genuinely meant for it to be platonic but i kept accidentally writing a little bit something more and i genuinely think looking back on it that i probably had a crush and a squish on poe? and he may have started queerplatonic, leaning on alterous (if i'm understanding the term right). like it wasn't straight platonic because i genuinely had/have such a crush on him but it definitely wasn't straight romantic at the time either (and i still have moments where i'm like. yeah i'm definitely feeling qp feelings for him and not romantic ones). and then sometime in 2017, something I guess shifted and I wrote in an oc into that same fic who had a history with him and they both still had feelings for each other and they kissed at the end of the story but didn't wind up with each other, and then i started reading reader fic for him that same year and was like. oh I actually don't mind the idea of kissing him....i kinda wanna. and i also don't mind the idea of a relationship if it's with him, i even want it?

and like ofc things went sideways from there. i stopped reading fic bc my friend made fun of me for reading it and i felt like i was doing smth "wrong" and then the gaslighting of everyone hating him in t.lj when i didn't also severely impacted my ability to be able to enjoy him properly without trying to fold up my actual opinions to 'fit in' more and feeling anxious and not getting to enjoy it, but he was still such a cornerstone of comfort for me at the time. i even wrote my first reader fic in late 2018 to get some comfort from how awful things were in my personal life and it was of him. and then t.ros happened and the fandom got so toxic along w some friend stuff that my spin in poe almost broke (or so i thought), but like?? i spent the whole next year constantly drawn to things that reminded me of poe....read a book that was compared to the st and him a lot....bought a lot of orange things without thinking about it, developed a crush on a character that's like. basically poe with the serial numbers scratched off. all until i found my way back to him at the end of 2020 🥰 and after that i started embracing reader fic again and my romantic feelings for him and then lmao the physical/sexual attraction came in like a wrecking ball shortly thereafter which was New To Say The Least, but.

eeee i don't know i ended up gushing a lot about him but i just. sometimes i really think about the journey i've had with him, and how much good he's genuinely brought into my life. i get to feel all these emotions i never thought i would!! because of him!!! i get to explore new avenues that i wouldn't be interested in or comfortable in pursuing even mentally bc of him!!! he's helped me work through various triggers for my trauma bc they feel safe with him involved? and most importantly - i wouldn't know any of my lovely friends or partners if it wasn't for him? i stuck around in the fandom bc of poe, and that lead me right to my queerplatonic partners and family. i genuinely would not!! be the same person today if i had not fallen in love with that silly flyboy december 20th 2015!!! and isn't that just love in a nutshell?

[rabbitindisguise]

oh man I don't have holiday plans this year and I know why (it's because I basically haven't hung out with any of my friends for the past 8 months) but it still Sucks especially because I know the past couple months I have just been all over the place mentally and emotionally so I wouldn't but up for it anyways but mrehmreghrhehgugh

it is the first time since *checks watch* 2019 where I genuinely didn't have anyone to spend time with to distract me from the Everything so I dunno I'm really feeling it this year I guess. Doing this without a therapist is really hard. I can tell I'm rapid cycling but it's hard to climb out of it :/ plus the group meeting social thing I go to felt unsatisfying for a number of reasons like I was hoping it wouldn't be. I just feel. Bad.

So like, all of these are the problems, which means once I understand them I can start planning out a way to reframe it and even potentially think of solutions . . . . so okay there's a lot of reasons why this is different from last time. I do have plans just not the day of. It's not that people don't want to hang out with me, most of them are just on the east coast. The last time I had a really good experience but also it was a lot of physical and mental strain and I might react to it more poorly this year. The past couple weeks I've been ruminating, participating in a lot of negative self talk, sleeping poorly, and my routines are still all thrown off. I haven't been talking the breaks I need. This is even a good opportunity to sort out my priorities on how I want to spend my time and strike a balance between online hobbies (which tend to trigger mania) and physical in person meetups (which tend to give me more psychological stability).

It's not even online vs in person, because these negative emotions are affecting me even when I'm talking to friends online. Plus I can use this as a good opportunity to catch up on things, like editing photos from flower piano and other trips and that link collection I promised. This gives me time to work on gifts and black friday too- I want to get the most bang for buck on things I typically can't afford, and having some time available to do that is nice. And for the rest of the time pre-holidays, I can finish updating my bullet journal like I haven't done in forever and go over all the good things/important things that have happened to build a more accurate perception of my progress with my mental health over the past year. Frankly I feel like most of my progress stalled in feburary and it's been awhile of just putting my coping skills to the test. But I do know that even if it feels that way, I have really made progress in some areas, and I should continue to do the habits that I found to be the most helpful in maintaining the best conditions for me to communicate successfully with others and make people feel comfortable. I can send cards again and stuff too as a treat because I find that relaxing.

Other than that this is making me think I should make plans in my budget to get a light therapy lamp because this aligns too perfectly with daylight savings (some symptoms, the particularly concerning ones like anxiety and panic attacks as well as overwhelming dread over social interactions). I don't need to get a new bullet journal, but I should probably consider getting copic refills at some point since I'll be picking it up again and that's a big part of my journaling . . . process? technique? it's what I do when I have some extra energy to devote to it.

List of things to do:

light therapy lamp

catch up on bullet journaling

edit photos

shop for presents, make presents, and send cards

calendar the different events I want to go to (maybe big day holidays in person, smaller less celebrated holidays online, etc)

sleep before 2 a.m.

wake up before 10 a.m.

take my multivitamin (and frankly the rest of my "extra" medications like benedryl) consistently

stay hydrated and fed

make plans for copic budgeting

I also need to be reasonable with myself with what I can actually afford and what I actually need. I've felt an increasing pressure financially because of a bunch of *waves hand* debt stuff but ultimately I can't live my life waiting for that to resolve. So I can sort of make the assumption that I will have money going forward and should start using my savings account properly now that I'm planning on doing that.

[seismic-lawns]

Gladiator Big Talk: Pioneer Masters, White/Blue

So on the gladiator discord, (Gladiator is a competitive singleton format using the Timeless card pool on arena and you should check us out, it's great) I do a series of long, hastily written thoughts on every single new-to-arena card and call them Big Talks, and now they live here! Some notes:

This is comprehensively talking about every single new-to-arena card in Pioneer Masters. If I don't bring up a card, it's probably because it's already in the format.

I'm sorting this by collector number, which, for this set is baffling, so Ctrl+F is your friend if you want to find a specific thought.

Each card is also a link to it on scryfall, so you can follow along without having the full set open.

Without further ado, let's start off with Archangel of Thune:

White

Archangel of Thune: This girlie goes hard, but in an era where we have so many high-value white 5s with lifelink, this one looks pretty medium outside of decks that are all in on cards like Vito and Enduring Tenacity.

Artful Maneuver: I really like this set partly because of commons like these that are completely horrendous but still important cards from their contexts. God I loved Tarkir block.

Celestial Archon: This is just unfortunately just an enormous amount of mana for some pretty “just idiot” stats, which don’t make me excited -_-

Chained to the Rocks: This card is worse than it looks, but still absolutely playable in decks that are already specifically RW. You should play this, but with the knowledge that it will not be free to make it online, even if it only takes 1 fetch to do so. I wouldn’t play this in 3 color, but I’m not a jeskai pilot, so it could be playable there, and I’m just more skeptical than I should be.

Dictate of Heliod: I have gotten a lot more critical of anthem effects during 2024, and here is about the most commitment to anthems you can really get, which is not a good thing. At this point we have a lot of good options for things that can be anthems and it makes our bar pretty high. This really gets nowhere close.

Extricator of Sin: The bar for aristocrafts cards is getting higher at a pretty wild rate, and this card I think would have just been an “interesting thought” to add into crats back in 2021, and three years later I don’t think it gets particularly close.

Ghostblade Eidolon: This honestly could see some play and I wouldn’t be that shocked, but 3 mana for a 1/1 double strike is super below rate, and most decks don’t even want to use a slot for that card, but an enchantress shell could theoretically want this.

Gideon, Ally of Zendikar: This is one of the best Chad’s around - his 0 is totally passable, and even the spots where you are stuck in just making a 2/2 per turn are fine. His +1 is pretty good, especially for potentially enabling a -4 while sticking around if you’ve got a decent board state, and the -4 is really good (because anthems are great when versatile and resistant to removal), especially as something you can often do alongside other effects over the life of Gids.

Hero of Iroas: The auras deck is a real thing that has only really needed a dedicated pilot for at least a few months now, and this is a very narrow addition to it, but still a good one, very least for making cards like sheltered by ghosts cost W and such.

Hopeful Eidolon: This one’s a lot easier to picture making it into a deck than Ghostblade, as enchantress does like the prospect of a somewhat versatile early blocker that triggers constellation effects, and this does that job very well. That said, this is also just not a creature that’s much to write home about, so that may well be it’s downfall for playability.

Imposing Sovereign: This effect is really good, and it’s especially good the earlier it can come down, and the more you can capitalize on the fact that all your opponent’s blockers need to wait a turn before they can ever block. In decks like Death and Taxes, or really just any deck with a lot of aggressive creatures and removal they’re comfortably able to use proactively, this card shines a lot. That said, I think at the moment the tournament meta is not well positioned for this gal–the more mana drains and t3feri’s there are, the worse things are for a creature that’s really just shining if your opponent is playing primarily to the board. I think right now she’s not gonna make it, but bookmark her for a couple months down the road or if any of Drain, Cruise, or Dig get banned.

Keening Apparition: If I had a nickel for each creature this was functionally identical to in our format that was in an arena set in the past 2 months, I’d have 3 nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird it happened one more time than the joke structure usually allows for.

Knight of the White Orchid: Hell yea buddy this card’s great, and it’ll be especially good in any season finals for lower seed players. This card also just like is a house - first strike is big, and it’s not really hard to engineer this to grab you a surveil land or just an untapped plains on either side of the table. Card just goes hard and is a good piece for the early game.

Kytheon, Hero of Akros: So the bar for 2/1s for 1 has risen a decent chunk since 2015 when kind of design was relatively unheard of, but this card’s still good. A savannah lions with an ability to protect itself that also incentivizes already good play patterns is just always going to be good, and on top of that almost all the words on Gideon’s side are good and/or not actively bad, so there’s not really room to complain.

Lagonna-Band Trailblazer: I was a huge fan of this card for commander when I first started playing because I had a Karador Centaur-typal deck, and this was one of the like 10 playable centaurs at the time. Man, I’m really glad I started playing with Theros block, because I think I would not have liked it if I was already enfranchised by then.

Linvala, the Preserver: Wowie uh this card’s not aged well at all, and frankly was never that good in the first place, which just makes it a bit more sad. Just 2 years later we’d get Lyra and that kinda just gives everything a sense of perspective, y’know?

Lotus-Eye Mystics: There’s like 2 decks that are pretty darn stoked that this card exists now, but those decks also probably didn’t want to play auramancer so like why start now?

Phalanx Leader: A lot of these “just heroic” creatures are surprisingly interesting to think about, but this one just requires so much commitment on a very vulnerable body to feel like anything other than embarrassing, so I’ll pass.

Secure the Wastes: This card’s aged pretty steadily poorly in my eyes, and I’ve come to realize it’s an effect that is almost never super wanted, let alone needed. The one saving grace of the card is that it’s instant speed, but I’d still almost always rather play something that is consistently on-rate or does an effect that is more desired reactively.

Silence: I don’t think Silence has a great place in our format, and that’s coming from someone who is quite possibly the most vocal supporter of Silence effects in non-combo decks in the format. If it’s gonna have a home, it’ll be in a deck that can afford to easily pivot from controlling the board to comboing off, which makes me realize that it might have a home in Pact Oracle decks if they ever truly recover from the loss of DT and decide they want a silence effect (they typically don’t need it).

Silkwrap: God this card sucks so bad. It’s truly beautiful how far O-rings have come in the past 5 years.

Sphere of Safety: Enchantress is eating fucking good today my friends. God this card’s great, and I’m so happy to see this really help (along with a few other cards this set) to bring the 3-5 color enchantress decks together.

Spirit of the Labyrinth: I really enjoy these D&T pieces that are multi-typed, because it really stretches what packages these decks can include by a couple of notches. On top of that, this card’s just pretty good, and is a nice touch to punish the decks I don’t like by forcing them to have removal before they cast their Cruise or + their 5feri.

Starfield of Nyx: This is not actually a good enchantress card, and really it’s only justifiable if you’re trying to reanimate an omniscience or something similarly game-ending. The second big issue, though, is that if you’re using this to get omniscience it’s the most narrow way to do so by far in a deck with a pretty large swath of ways to cheat out omni before t10.

Swift Reckoning: I’m glad that cards like this are here, because it’s a good reminder of where we started, where this was an exciting uncommon for being pretty revolutionary when it had flash. We’ve come a long, long way since then, and I’m pretty happy for us to get there.

War Oracle: I think if this was a 4/3 it’d be (well firstly, it’d be bonkers, but it’d also be) enticing enough for me to try some where, but the fact that it’s pretty uncommon for it to get to attack with 4 power turns me off a lot for it. However, I think this card’s weirdly close to being in a good spot for it being a 4 mana uncommon in gladiator.

Eidolon of Rhetoric: Unlike Spirit of the Labyrinth, this card doesn’t excite me much, especially because it got outmoded in paper by Archon of Emeria 3 years ago, so it’s hitting Gladiator DoA.

Evangel of Heliod: I think this card is a funny Brawl/Commander card, but I’m both not excited to play white 6’s in gladiator and doubtful that this can realistically get you enough tokens to be impressive at all.

Fiendslayer Paladin: This card looks pretty bad, and it’s not very good, but if you’re wanting to play the Auras deck and/or an aggressive white deck, and your opponent’s gonna be on grixis or similar colors, this is a great card to sleeve up.

Heliod, God of the Sun: Was this card ever good? I don’t remember it being anything ever, and it looks so bad by our modern standard for Gods or just cards in general.

Ajani Steadfast: This card is not that great, but it’s a slam dunk in one of my favorite decks to pick up, Superfriends. This card’s -2 is great, and with even just 1 good creature out, the +1 pads out your life total and lets you attack pretty easily into board stalls. Is this card good? I don’t think so. Does it have a good chance of slotting in somewhere and staying there? I think the answer to that one is yes.

Call the Gatewatch: I see so few copies of the legendary tutor from Kaldheim, and this one is so, so, so much worse.

Hushwing Gryff: I got deja vu before realizing that my thoughts on Mesa Pegasus in J25 are the exact same as this card: This card is 2nd (or, really, probably around 3rd) in a slot that doesn’t exist anywhere, so don’t think about it.

Oath of Gideon: I am so happy to see this card, especially being paired with BFZ gideon, where it really shows its strength. Getting 2 blockers for your walkers or for your life total if your opponent is aggressive is really nice, and it then pays that off by letting you do big downticks on planeswalkers with a lot more wiggle room, and enabling huge effects a lot easier. I think it only realistically has a home in superfriends, but it does have a good home there.

Sage’s Reverie: This card has the ability to be good enough in certain applications, but I’m just not interested in the work needed to get it to that point, because I think you need to be drawing 3 cards to start being impressed with this, and ideally putting it on something with hexproof, because this is asking for a big blowout.

Hallowed Moonlight: I’m not a huge fan of this card, but I would be remiss if I said it didn’t have some applications. Like, if I’m against howdy for round 1 of a season end, I’d sincerely consider slotting this in. Same idea goes for if you think UFO or I are going to play sneak attack against you or the like. Even then, it’s not amazing, but it gets the job done decently well in a slot that can be used for silver bullets without being too awful if you don’t get full value off it.

Open the Armory: Another copy of Kellan’s adventure is nice, and there’s a couple decks that might want that. That being said, the biggest draw of Kellan’s adventure was not the spell itself, but that it also drew a decently on-rate creature. This tutor lacking that makes it a much, much harder sell, but I could see a couple of decks sleeve this up without feeling bad about it.

Reprisal: I remember when this card was cool as hell and my favorite removal spell in standard, but uh our slots for removal are slim and this card’s restriction make it not a reasonable include.

Tragic Arrogance: I don’t love a nonland cataclysm these days, and this card is really only that. I think you’d just play a gearhulk despite giving that choice back over their way, and I wouldn’t play that these days either. 

Blue

Aetherling: The definition of beef has really changed over the last decade - it used to be that any hard to kill idiot, regardless of mana cost, could be played in a control deck without much thought, and be quite good. Now, we’ve kind of settled on 2 kinds of beef, being either something that fills another role in the deck and kills the opponent or something that is like 5-6 mana and just 180s the direction of the game if you’re behind on the board. Cards like Aetherling are the casualty of that shift in direction, and it’s a little sad to see that sometimes.

Anchor to the Aether: Bad limited removal is bad limited removal. I’m gonna be real, though, I’m a bit shocked with how many of the new cards are in some way bangers; it’s a great time.

Aqueous Form: For example, this card should see some play, especially if bogles decks decide to play islands in this format. This is a really cool card to both smooth out your draws and provide evasion to stuff that’s huge and hexproof or has heroic triggers.

Artisan of Forms: I think this card’s just straight bad, and I can’t really put it any other way. Don’t work for your phantasmal image, kids.

Bident of Thassa: This card just doesn’t commit to the board enough to be worth a card in your deck, especially at 4 mana.

Chasm Skulker: I think I like cards like Nadir Kraken more, but I really do have a soft spot in my heart for cards that grow with card draw, and this is one of the classics for that, and frankly, is a pretty good card for the slot, too.

Cloudfin Raptor: This card is pretty funny to see right now, where, thinking about it, this card really has a difficult time eventually getting to a 3/4, which is where you probably need it to get quickly to feel good about it, and otherwise, I’d just rather play a spyglass siren or the like.

Crush of Tentacles: Upheaval this is not, and it’s pretty difficult to actually live the dream in any way. If you’re getting to enough mana to cast the surge cost side of this, you probably can’t rebuild that turn, and despite the 8/8, I think you need to rebuild right after a mass bounce to feel good about it.

Day’s Undoing: I have a long history with this card, and I think it’ll either find a home in this format, or will have a home early. If you’re a deck with an easy time playing on your opponent’s turn, this card doesn’t have a real downside. I don’t really think it’ll slot into the control decks i’m used to seeing, just because those already are winning on card advantage, but it’s a card I’m confident I’ll see across the table.

Illusory Angel: This card’s bad, and if you consider it’s real cost (whatever spell you play first), it immediately becomes at or below rate, and has nothing else really going for it.

Jace, Vryn’s Prodigy: This is probably either the best or 2nd best looter we have in the format, and it’s just so much effect for so little. Even just looting a few times then getting 2 life/worse attacks a turn after that is great, and if you ever snapcaster with it you’re in heaven. 

Jhessian Thief: I said this in a conversation over imposing sovereign, but the bar for 3s really is so much higher than for 2s, meaning you don’t just want a saboteur effect, you want one with evasion or that mercilessly kills the opponent, not a 1/3 that’s occasionally a 2/4 instead.

Master of Waves: I could definitely see a merfolk deck slotting this card in as a way to add 10ish power to the board on a bunch of bodies, but outside of that, this format is just poorly positioned for blue permanents that aren’t subtlety right now.

Mizzium Skin: This is definitely a card that is legal in the gladiator format. Is it good? I hope not, frankly.

Niblis of Frost: This just is more commitment to the board than its homes are probably willing to spare for a pretty mild effect.

Nimbus Naiad: nah

Opal Lake Gatekeepers: Look, I think the gates deck is not that outlandish in our format and this card still sucks there.

Quicken: This card’s not amazing, but it does offer a pretty huge upside if you find yourself wishing treasure cruise had flash at an end step. I think it’s worse than consider/opt, but can be slotted into those slots if you are gunning for plays like cantrip into cruise if opp doesn’t act proactively enough.

Rapid Hybridization: You don’t have to play these effects, we have good removal in every other color (except maybe green), and lord knows you’re not playing monoblue.

Scatter to the Winds: This was one of the first in our line of “cancels with versatility” but now we just get “cancels with upside” so what’s the point?

Shipbreaker Kraken: This was the coolest rare possible when I started playing, and I eventually realized that it was just fully bad. This card is just completely bad. Probably cool at least in limited though.

Sight Beyond Sight: Wow billy why’d your mom let you have TWO sleight of hands? The answer is 3 generic mana, turns out. This is just so deeply bad, and it’s an effect that really only looks interesting at 3 mana, not 4.

Stormtide Leviathan: BEEG WHALE. I think this is not a great card, nor the best persist target, but it is certainly funny, and likely will win games only a little worse than some other persist hits.

Tah-Crop Skirmisher: COM MON PI KER clap clap clapclapclap

Temporal Trespass: This card is just so cool, and I would argue that it fits pretty well into some shells that wouldn’t necessarily play time warp. That said, this card takes a lot to be happy with it, so my guess is that it will only be played in turns or dredge decks until at least treasure cruise is banned.

Tidebinder Mage: I don’t think I can see this card legitimately seeing play in our format, and after a bit of thought, I don’t think even in season finals situations could I really picture it. Being a hard to cast 2/2 really hurts when it’s not shutting down an important creature, and a lot of its targets don’t actually suffer much from it, like Samwise, Inti, Wingbane Vantasaur, Scooze, etc.

Windrider Patrol: I think the biggest insult of this card is that they think that scrying 2 is a huge effect, when you just want to kill them, and this card doesn’t even do that in our format 😔

Silumgar Sorcerer: I truly enjoy this card, but I will say that you should just play the Overcharged Amalgam instead.

Sphinx of Magosi: God this card is such a real one, but it is demonstrably worse than a card I probably shouldn’t have played, but did: Faerie Formation.

Thassa, God of the Sea: This card gets a huge bonus from being a machine that turns creatures into unblocked creatures, but it’s very expensive to be that kind of machine, and most decks either don’t need the effect out of redundancy, or don’t need it out of playing on a different axis.

Clutch of Currents: Sorcery speed unsummons are gross and frankly bad.

Flitterstep Eidolon: Maybe someone will pick this card up, but that bestow cost is criminally high, and the creature itself is pretty middling as far as slither blades go.

Hidden Strings: I’m so glad this is on arena so I can play lotus field, but also this card sucks here.

Jace, Architect of Thought: I want this card to be anything, but it's quite bad - it’s 4 mana for a + that we pay 1 mana for these days (Tamiyo), and its other two abilities are also pretty middling. We’ve come a long way to get to the point where a 1 mana creature is a better planeswalker than Jace in every ability, but it’s where we’re at.

Jace, Memory Adept: This planeswalker is a lot better in 40 card than it is in 100 card singleton.

Oath of Jace: Ok, I know that I hyped up Oath of Gideon a lot, but the truth is that most of the Oaths are quite bad. Case and point, Oath of Jace, which is not worth playing, even if you are scrying 3 each turn, which you won’t be.

Retraction Helix: I’m sure there’s something funny to do with this card, and with a Jeskai Ascendancy and/or Paradox Engine this card goes hard, but I’m doubtful it’s going to find a home with a dedicated pilot, which is what a card like this desperately needs.

Dramatic Reversal: I don’t think we have any of the pieces that really let this combo off, but I will say that we do have an infinite with this card, retraction helix, 9 mana from nonland permanents, and Scholar of the Ages. In this ess–gets shot

Enter the Infinite: This card does kind of just win the game if you cheat it and have the right deck built, but again, there hasn’t been a dedicated/tournament player for this style of deck in a long while, and I think combos with Enter the Infinite are pretty low on the list of combo decks I’d like to see or think is likely.

Part the Waterveil: This is one that I think just won’t see play. It’s worse than Time Warp in a couple of ways and the versatility it adds is unlikely to ever come up. It could come up in a turns list, but those decks I do not think want to go 5 deep on time warps.

Tome Scour: There’s 2 decks that are so stoked to see this card, and no one else wants to touch it. Simple as that.

Void Shatter: We have better cancels with better upsides, and the fact that this doesn’t pitch to subtlety is a real downside.

[alwayslosingtheplot-blog]

Melinoe and other stuff

I'm back! My relation is healed and no longer requires my care. I have my house back. I have my peace back. I have my time back. Ish. I mean, I still have two small kids but what are you going to do?

But enough about that! Islands!

Melinoe - The Nightmare Isle

This is important about this post : I don't usually give trigger warnings (I probably should but usually the stuff I post is vague enough that I don't think it warrants it). This island is not that.

Nothing is depicted in detail, but it is mentioned.

Trigger Warnings! include rape, pregnancy, abortion, and other things related to maternal health.

Now that's done, let me explain a bit about what's going on. Most of these islands don't reference people or their stories overly much because I'm more interested in establishing resources, geography, governing bodies and things that I feel will later inform character-driven stories. That's not the case here. This island is so shaped (literally) by the stories of the people who landed on it that it is impossible to separate them.

___________________________________________________________VisVisible from the capital city of Daphnaie, the oaken forests of Melinoe could be used to make many ships for the finding of new islands, or for building materials. Unfortunately no one will go near it.

The first to travel to the island were a group of religious men and women, although over time it became a sacred place for the woman.

The forests here are not natural, having been planted by Saint Serena. Saint Serena came to the island following the death of her mother, who became pregnant at an advanced age and did not live through it. She gave up the riches and prestige of being the heir to a noble family to devote her life to the care of women.

The trees she planted are grave markers. Following one particular vicious raid and harsh winter that cost the lives of many children, she invited women to come to the island with the ashes of the children and plant a tree for them. This practice is still maintained on some parts of the mainland.

Saint Serena also began the process of taking in girls who found themselves pregnant with an unwanted child, or women like her mother for whom the pregnancy was too dangerous to continue. Once there the women were given several options, one of which was to give their child to a tree (aportion) and another was to gift the child to another family.

It was around this time that men became forbidden from setting foot on the island. This was mainly done for safety concerns following men trying to prevent a woman making a decision, or force her into one.

Sometimes the women wished to stay on the island and keep their children or leave them there in safety. This was allowed, however young boys had to be sent from the island to a monastery in Laurus (where their mother might go with them or write to them). From there they would receive an education and be allowed to do anything with themselves that a young man may wish.

Over time the trees grew and so did tensions with the government, who wished to use these resources for their own gains. This idea was met with outrage from most of the populace, who saw the trees as a memoriam to their children. However, there was a small number not opposed to the idea who pointed out the lack of resources and space for their living and future children.

In order to promote this idea, chastity was promotes amongst unmarried men and women. Prison sentences and mandatory naval service are all punishments dulled on young men found to have 'besmirched' a woman's honor. However, as Daphnaie follows a Maternal line succession, any woman found guilty of such are given fines (sometimes high enough to be the ruin of their family). The hope was that, in making such things seen as immoral, eventually the public favor might turn against the island.

The next step was to replace it as a pilgrim destination with the new, inland cathedral. Money and stone was poured into this project, art was commissioned from all over the islands and every possible thing was done to encourage people to visit the site.

This worked to some degree, as the number of young women travelling to the island dwindled.

However, there was another problem. For a short time, Melinoe was known as the isle of the 'Second Sisters', as it became quite a trendy place to send the daughters who were encouraged not to marry or have children. Another abbey was built near the cathedral, which offered an attractive alternative.

Meanwhile the nobles involved in government, both men and women, starting talking about the waste of the islands resources. They whispered about the selfishness of the nuns who lived there, and the disgrace of the children born there to their noble friends. Who, in turn, spoke to theirs.

The plan was to shut down the island, declaring it full of trees and to make it a national monument to deceased children for a decade or so, at which both a 'disease' would strike that meant that they would have to fell some trees to preserve the rest. Then a few more. Finally it would be turned into a proper lumber camp.

This might have worked, had it not been for a man named Andrew Cannatta. Cannatta was never meant to be a part of a big family in Daphnaie. He was from another island, and married a second daughter and took her home as a business transaction between the two families.

However, an accident tragically took the life of her older sister and sister's husband. This made his wife the heir to the family and they had to travel back to Daphnaie to take over.

There's was a contentious marriage with both spouses feeling that they should be the one in charge of their business and estate. They had a single daughter and, while Andrew wished for a son, his wife refused him and stated that her duty to their family was complete.

Andrew picked out a husband for his daughter that both mother and daughter opposed in order to favor a business deal of his own. He had the man kidnap the girl and force a child on her, thinking that she would be forced to marry him afterwards. He was mistaken.

His wife had them both arrested and, despite his objections, divorced him. She brought the girl to Melinoe. He never found out what happened there, but his daughter later took on the role of head of the family, married and had three other children. He never met any of them, having been disowned. Both men were forced into naval service, where a friendship between them blossomed.

The man was a family of nobles who were privy to the gossip but not the plan. Both men wrongly blamed the island's existence for their downfall and formed a raiding team to kill all of the women living there to make way for the government to take it over. They imagined that they would be discreetly rewarded for these actions and Andrew even believed that they might force his daughter to welcome him back into the family, or turn over the reigns of it over to him.

They arrived on the island. The woman fought back, but they were less in number and had children to protect. Some children died, but most of them fled on a boat with a nun named Sister Lennara. One child got lost in the tress while they were running away. She ran back to try and safe the elderly mother superior, but did not make it in time.

The men, drunk on their victory, cut down a tree in celebration. It was a symbol of all of their plans coming to fruition.

Nature cares not for the plans of men.

There is a lichen that grows on this island that can be found no where else. This moss was sparse and dependent on small bushes and exposed rocks that dotted the island. It may have gone extinct if not for Saint Serena and her planting of trees. Now the lichen is everywhere, growing on all of trees of the sprawling forest that the island has become. When this lichen is cut, it releases a spore. This spore causes hallucinations.

The men, coated in blood and adrenaline from killing the nuns, turned on each other with astonishing speed. They fought, they screamed and ran into the sea. The last one cut out his own eyes and died bleeding on the beach.

Sister Lennara ran through the city as soon as her boat arrived in the harbor, screaming about the attack. The fishermen responded faster than the officials, and they arrived at the beach the next morning to the scene and bodies on the beach next to the felled tree.

None of them dared to step foot off their boots. Not when the ghost of a prestress watched them from the tree-line with haunting eyes.

This was actually the child that had gotten lost in the trees. Having been born on the island and often exposed to a small amount of the lichen spores made her more tolerate of their effects. She knew that they were never to go near fallen trees, and was waiting for the wind to carry the spores away while the fishermen watched her. After they fled on their boats away from the 'cursed' isle, she starting dragging the bodies of the nuns and children to a place to burn them. When this was done, she planted their ashes with acorns, as was the tradition. She left the bodies of the men for the sea to take.

She remains there still, the grand daughter of the man who wanted to destroy her island, acting as a silent protector to those buried and growing there.

_________________________________________________________

It's good to be back.

[ehldritchblast]

RULES:

CREDIT: The PSD I’m using for my edits is “ENHANCE ABILITY” by Jaynedits.

ONE. This blog will likely be a low-activity blog, but I will usually be available through IMs if anyone wants to chat (and you can feel free to ask for my discord if we're close enough). JUST A HEAD'S UP: i am INCREDIBLY new to the dnd scene. i'm still learning and doing my best to get things right, but if anyone has any advice/critiques, please feel free to let me know! i just ask that you be nice about it, thanks!

TWO. I have ADHD and as such, I will answer asks / respond to threads as I get the muse for them. It's nothing personal if I don't get to something of ours right away, it's just hard for me to focus at times!

THREE. Sometimes I will drop threads without warning and it's nothing personal, I just lose muse. I'm more than willing to start up a new thread. The best way to write with me is from sending memes or writing starters. I also like to plot and find that I'm more invested in threads this way.

FOUR. I will only follow 21+ blogs on here and will block any minors who may follow for my own comfort. I have the right to follow or unfollow you whenever I please. That being said, I will not follow back personal blogs, or a RP blog that I couldn’t see my muses interacting with. Please don’t take it personally.

FIVE. I only ship with chemistry and I'm open to discussing shipping with our muses so long as there's chemistry and the you're willing to discuss / plot ship dynamics with me. I'm also duplicate friendly and love that other people love these muses too!

SIX. THINGS THAT WILL MAKE ME NOT FOLLOW / UNFOLLOW / SOFT/HARD BLOCK YOU:

+ you are under 21, are racist, transphobic, homophobic, antisemitic, ableist, pedophilic, harass others, etc. + you write an original character with little to no information, as I need something to go off of to think of how to interact with your muse. + post an excessive amount of ooc (enough to constantly spam my dash; i don’t mind if you post more ooc than actual rp most days bc i do the same), have constant poor grammar / spelling mistakes (though i'll be more lenient if english isn't your first language), partake in petty, pointless drama, or write in a lot of purple prose / overly format your posts. + don't tag triggering content, write a lot of incest, child death, and any form of abuse (i.e. domestic, sexual, etc), or focus heavily on pregnancy plots. + you follow me first and make no attempt to interact with me, are absent from your blog for long amounts of time (without posting a hiatus warning), disrespect people's boundaries, vague blog, or post a lot of callouts. + if you are a personal blog, follow and unfollow me to try to get my attention, send me things (i.e. memes / rp stuff) when we aren't mutuals, harass my friends, just use me as a number for your follower count, ignore the things i write for you (especially if it's me answering a meme you sent in or writing you a starter), or don't put in the effort for a ship that i have grown invested in. + if you follow me to write / ship with my male muses and ignore my female & oc/tav muses.

SEVEN. I do not deal with ooc drama. If I see it happening on my dash I will not get involved in it, and if it reaches a certain point, I will probably block the person(s) in question.

To add to this: I do not view certain ‘callouts’ as ‘drama’. If someone is bringing attention to harmful behavior, that’s fine. I won’t hesitate to heed that person’s warning and acknowledge / reblog that post if I feel that it is necessary. The types of ‘callouts’ I find unnecessary are the ones where someone is just being petty and talking shit because they don’t like someone and/or are bullying them. That’s something you could handle privately and doesn’t need to be on the dash and/or just block the person and move on. I will not tell you who and who not to write with. I would much rather simply block anyone I wish not to see on my dash. That said, please do not hesitate to inform me if I'm interacting with someone who is a genuinely toxic individual.

[gryptids]

oc ask meme quastion: #culecore gang 7, 15, 19

TEE HEE thank u for askin :3c I'm gonna answer each question for the main four, answers below the cut!!

7: What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Cara: There was a point before some very big life events happened in her childhood where everything felt 'perfect' -- her grandmother was alive, she was close to her rabbi, and she felt connected to her community as a whole. She has a tendency to look back at those times with rose-colored glasses. Hey, if you can't romanticize the present, at least you can romanticize the past...

Victor: Reconnecting with his ex-husband, Jude. They share a lot of history together, and as bad as they are for each other, spending time with him reminds Vic of how much fun he used to have when he was younger. He was confident, hot-blooded, strong, energetic... things he's not sure if he'll ever be again. Maybe that's why they're still each other's sneaky link after so many centuries.

Saoirse: Interacting with Cara, funnily enough. They remember when they were new to this world, how confused she was and how blindly they followed people like Victor. Seeing Cara repeat some of her same mistakes is both painful and vindicating. They like to think that they're so experienced now, but Cara makes them confront the fact that she still has no idea what she's doing. It's confusing, and it sucks... but it's also a comfort, in a weird way.

Jude: His human partners tend to trigger nostalgia for him. Usually it's when they're discovering something he loves for the first time -- a movie, a play, an old poem -- and watching their reaction anew makes him fall in love with being human all over again. It classifies as nostalgia because he hasn't been human in a long, long time... but he still looks at it fondly (and holds it in a vice grip).

15: How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

Cara: She has zero filter, and tends to say exactly what's on her mind (with plenty of dry sarcasm and swearing peppered in). Cara is one who has big feelings, and those feelings absolutely come out in speech (as much as she tries to bury them). She comes off as kind of a cunt to people who aren't prepared for it, but what she actually is is bracingly honest... with everyone except for herself.

Victor: He's a soft-spoken guy in spite of his size; he tends to speak in fragments instead of full sentences, and won't use five words when three would do. It makes him a bit hard to read, but it's less because he's genuinely aloof and more because he's pretty introverted. The one time he does get flowery is when he's flirting.

Saoirse: Saoirse has a flair for the dramatic, even when it comes to casual conversation. Plenty of metaphors and figures of speech pepper their way of speaking, and they always manage a conspiratorial tone -- as if you two are the only ones in the world sharing a hilarious secret. She does have a fairly chill vibe, though, like they're perpetually running on 1.5 hours of sleep.

Jude: He tends to speak very formally, even among friends. He has a specific cadence that feels 'vintage,' even for the setting -- like you're watching an old Golden Age film instead of someone genuinely speaking their mind. It can get especially annoying when you're arguing with him -- like, who are you even trying to impress? There aren't any cameras here!! Give it a rest Lawrence Olivier!

19: What is their favorite number?

Cara: Cara likes 12; 12 months in a year, 12 years old to become an adult in the eyes of her religion, and all the nice ways it divides (by two! by three! by four! by six!). It's easy to find, and thus is a constant comfort in the mundane parts of life. It feels like a whole number, for lack of a better term. I'm sure that's not reflective of any kind of envy or yearning at all.

Victor: If you asked him, he'd probably chuckle and say he hasn't thought about it that much. Push him, and he'd say something lame like "infinity," even thought it's not a real number. It's a nice thought, though, right? That things don't always need to end? That something could go on forever, in spite of everything?

Saoirse: Something so obnoxiously indie and/or specific that you kinda wanna groan when they give you their answer, like the Euler-Mascheroni constant or ~zero.~ It's clear she's trying to casually outdo everyone in the room creatively when the question is asked. But beyond the posturing is a genuine appreciation of anything undefinable or mutable -- they like finding where definitional systems fail and get weird.

Jude: Two! It's the only even prime, and everything is better in pairs :) It's the basis of a lot of mathematical functions (even numbers are defined by two, for example), and he identifies with the sense of responsibility, yet isolation, that two must feel. He WILL get a little weepy about it if he thinks about it for too long.

[lilolilyr]

Tagged ages ago by I don't know who for Ao3 stats!

How many fandoms have you written for?

Uuh. Um. So many that it only barely fits in two screenshots even on my new bigger phone? XD

I'm on 517 fics btw, 526 counting stuff that's been posted on anon (you can find that number if you're member of a collection and click 'people' on said collection)

What's your favorite fic on your Ao3?

Would still have to be my Andromaquynh longfic In Your Stead <3 though I'm currently working on a Mirandy podfic project that might take its place! Still, not my own fic, but I already love the voice acting I get to do there :)

Have you posted elsewhere? If yes, which of those fics is your favorite?

Uhh most is cross-posted to Ao3 anyway? I think some ficlets on @floreleine might not be... (Btw if you haven't yet, watch Gunpowder Milkshake it's awesome!)

How many bookmarks do you have on Ao3?

1574 bookmarks! Lots of them probably on private tho, check out my account and tell me how many you see there, I'm too lazy to log off and in again xD I tend to bookmark as, well, actual page marker bookmarks as well as use it as a 'read later' function as well as marking fics I've already read and writing me notes on what I liked or didn't like about them or whether they might be triggering for me in ways not tagged, warning me to only re-read with with caution, that kind of thing... I also bookmark a lot of external works so I have them saved all in one place, bc while I have a livejournal and I think also ffnet account I don't rly use them and I wouldn't even know how to bookmark stuff there...

Plus as recommendations for others! I love the rec function, I've got 175 public recs at the moment, so check it out if you're looking for new reading material :)

...so all in all, my bookmarks are steadily growing xD

How many unread comments do you have?

253 🙈🙈🙈 I'm sorryy!!! In my defence there are always some where I'm like 'ill reply when the sequel's up' and then I never write that xD probably half are still unread bc of that... Rest is some I just love looking at, some so long I love getting them but I don't have the energy to respond in kind and feel like just replying 'thanks' would be cheap idk, and some recent ones just uhh laziness

(they're of course all read though!!! It's just the function called unread bc they're unanswered and I haven't marked them read without answering, I only do that for replies, but I have read every single one <3 thank you commenters I love you!)

Any subscriptions?

6 pages full of author and series subs from way back 2014-2016 🙈 I'm not doing it anymore and I'm Trying to get rid of them but it's so much work adsfghjkl (I still want to keep them somewhere so I click the series/a fic of the author and bookmark it with the tag 'subscription tag' to know I formerly had subscribed/would have subscribed if I still used that function - I just want to get rid of the email spam because that damn thing already completely murdered one email address, and I've switched my ao3 account to another email and that's slowly dying as well now lmfao and I Never check those emails I just check my bookmarks anyway so it's all very useless to me)

Any favorite tags?

I clicked favorite on a bunch of ship tags, whenever I was reading basically just that one ship and wanted it close on hand I added one and never removed them, they're McDanno, Milippa Prime, ClintCoulson, Ineffable Spouses and Andromaquynh

@poemsingreenink @glassbearclock @falyakonmp3 @incloudines @kla1991 @viharistenno @pers-books @xvnot15 @kaorimaxwell-blog @startrekgeorgiouery @danisnotmyname @lavendelhummel & any other mutuals and friends, feel free to do this if you want to, and you can also have a look at the other tagging memes I did lately, feel tagged in any you want to do!

Questions for easy copying: How many fandoms have you written for? What's your favorite fic on your Ao3? Have you posted elsewhere?If yes, which of those fics is your favorite? How many bookmarks do you have on Ao3? How many unread comments do you have? Any subscriptions? Any favorite tags?

[strigeist]

My last ask!! Camilo with a s/o who has anger/anxiety issues/ headcanons please!! :D have a good day and newyears!

~ I'm so so sorry for taking so long on this one! I've been a bit busy in my personal life. After doing some thinking I decided to only do the anxiety one, so I'm sorry about that too. It's just that even though I did quite a bit of research, I still didn't feel confident in what I was writing since I have no personal experience w/ anger issues, and considering it's something that can be harmful if portrayed wrong I think it's best if I just stick to what I know :(. I'm sorry! But I hope you understand. ALSO YES THANK YOU GOOD NEW YEAR FOR YOU TOO!! And day!! ~

Camilo with a s/o who has anxiety

Gender neutral s/o!

I know anxiety can present differently in different people, I'm referencing mostly me and the people I know.

⚠️ Mentions of panic/anxiety attacks. It's right at the end and separated from the rest with [], so if it triggers you you can just stop once you see that! ⚠️

Will never, ever, judge you for showing symptoms of anxiety. Will not make you feel bad for it or make snarky comments about it, even if you don't outright say that you have it.

Won't force you into anything you don't wanna do, but especially not if it's something that would trigger your anxiety.

If it's something you absolutely need to do (because life is like that sometimes), he'll try to help you go through it as much as he can.

(If you allow his family to know, they'll help you too in their own ways).

If you're together and someone approaches you to talk and it's making you anxious, he'll absolutely carry the conversation for the two of you and somehow manage to get you away from the situation in a very natural way so you don't have to worry about seeming rude or anything.

If you're ever too "in your head" about something that probably doesn't warrant so much worry, like something embarrassing you've done in the past, he'll try to make you see things the way he does. Never in a mean way or disregarding your feelings! Just to calm you down. Sometimes our brains blow things way out of proportion.

Will let you fiddle with his clothes, his hands, hell even his hair if it makes you more relaxed.

(As someone with curly hair, him letting you touch his hair is a proof of pure love).

This is all if you want it, of course. As I've said in the past, Camilo would never want to make you uncomfortable. If you don't want him to do something, just tell him and he'll stop and apologize. He'll find other ways to support you that don't bother you! Or you can just tell him, that works too.

[]

[]

[]

Listen, he's good at helping you through panic or anxiety attacks.

(I know they are different things, but mainly for the reasons they happen. They are quite similar in what they feel like, at least for me).

You cannot tell me no one in the Madrigal family goes through things like this. He has experience.

"Breath with me, cariño, let's try that okay?"

If following his breathing doesn't work, he'll try the counting method, you know? The one where the person counts numbers slowly and you follow their lead. (I don't know if that's the name, but that's what I call it).

Every time it happens he panics on the inside, but tries not to show it so you don't feel even worse. He knows you'll be fine but he doesn't like to see you hurting in any way.

Will also reassure you that you'll be fine, it's just a panic or anxiety attack and soon you'll be fine, and that he'll be there for you the entire time.

If you want to hold his hand because it's scary, he'll let you.

If you need space, he'll give it to you. But if you want a hug he'll also oblige.

Afterwards will try to convince you to do some more relaxing activities, if you weren't doing that before, so you can rest and recover.

[apixrl]

DRIVER'S LICENSE.

katsuki bakugou x fem! reader

WARNING(S): angst. cheating. swearing because it's bakugou.

word count: 4.5k

song: drivers license // olivia rodrigo (i wonder why...)

note(s): so i captioned this *at the time of writing* 'hello and welcome to i've had the worst two weeks ever so i wrote a katsuki oneshot to cope' and it's probably one of my most personal pieces of writing tbh

"-come Tuesday and we'll potentially see an end to this heavy downpour of rain. Temperatures will be on the rise to around-"

The talk on the radio cut short at the jab of your finger, heaving a great sigh which faded into the muffled pitter-patter of rain from outside. The streets had been showered with heavy downpours for the last week or so, no sign of sun or a still and restful day. Notwithstanding the miserable outdoors, the windscreen wipers on your car never ceased in their duty to grant you a clear view of the road ahead. And whilst you were grateful for their devotion, it didn't feel clear in the slightest. In fact, the road had never felt so blurry.

Shivering against the cold night chill and tucking your knees cosily to your chest, you eyed the raindrops on the windows. They raced against one another before they dripped down to your car's body, their glossy presence obvious thanks to the many hues of street lamps that surrounded them. You could have watched them for hours, being honest. Something about the droplets of water battling it out quite enticing. Anything to take you away from the cruel reality you were living in.

Your heart ached and yearned. But to no avail, the one you ached and yearned for didn't love you back.

Not anymore, at least.

Just the mere thought provoked a pulsating pang to resonate throughout your entire body. A pang filled with grief and sadness. Anger and hurt. You missed his sun-kissed face on the sunny mornings. You missed his eyes and how they gazed at you from across the room. You missed the smiles and laughter he would only show for you and you alone. The sense of glee and euphoria that came with that honour. Yet all of it was gone and there was no way you could get it back.

The memories of what had been triggered more waterworks. Hot, salty tears dug at the corners of your eyes and trickled down your face. Your motionless car concealed your cries and sobs. Every thrash against the wheel as you questioned to nobody in particular what went wrong and why. How you didn't see the signs sooner. What you could have done better. When he stopped loving you. If he ever planned to stop loving you. Whether it would have hurt more if you found out sooner.

All these questions with nothing to answer them.

Katsuki Bakugou had always fascinated you. From the very moment you met. You accompanied your friend on a double date, and he was the guy who she matched for you. Whilst he originally acted as though a blind date was the last place he wanted to be, underneath the aggression you could tell there was something much more genuine and true.

And your assumptions were correct. Truth be told, Katsuki Bakugou was one of the most genuine and truest people you had met (at the time). Once it was just the two of you, he allowed his true colours to unveil. Through the smallest of kind gestures that still haunted your mind to this day. Then upon confrontation, as you bid each other goodbye at your back door, his denial resulted in a flirtatious contest which then proceeded to an intimate night that changed your life forever. From there your mind was set.

He was the one.

Emphasis on was.

So blinded with a fairy tale love you grew so accustomed to, you never saw it coming. Never in your two-year relationship - that had so much strength and commitment built on top of it, never did you think that Katsuki Bakugou would throw it all out of the window like it was nothing. Disregard your loyalty and adoration for a drunken one night stand that slowly became an occasional hookup. Which soon became a mandatory pastime once a fortnight. Then twice. Maybe more than that. You wouldn't put it past him with what you knew now.

He kept it from you for nearly six months. Six months. The only reason you discovered his lies and deception was because you were let off early one night from work. You worked a night shift, see. Your last job had fallen to shambles, and it was temporary whilst you searched for a new one. And whilst that did take a toll on your relationship with Katsuki Bakugou, mostly finding time for intimacy since his working hours were during the day, none of that gave him any right to go and do what he did.

That wasn't one of the only reasons, you knew that for sure. There were other motives for his lack of loyalty. But you were never told. After you froze at the sight of another woman under his hold and stormed straight back to your car to flee. After he chased you down the flights of stairs in nothing but baggy pants into the streets of a twilight Musutafu. After you screamed into the darkness and belted your fists against his chest. Fists that were driven with rage and hurt and every emotion that burned like the hottest of fires and froze like the coldest of ice. He never even told you. He never made an effort to address it. Nor had he attempted to call or even try to visit your Mom's house - where you stayed as you searched for a permanent place to live. Just because you retreated for your car and cried that it was over, he never tried. But that didn't mean you weren't allowed an explanation. An apology. Something to give you a form of closure and a reason to move on. But you never did.

That wasn't even what hurt the most, either.

As silly as it was, the thing that hurt you the most was the very car you sat in.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO . . .

The red glow of traffic lights hit Katsuki's vermilion irises as he stared dead ahead at the long line of vehicles, the ash-blond heaving a sigh into the air. His finger tapped impatiently against the steering wheel he gripped with one hand, the spare rested casually against your upper thigh affectionately.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this torture just to go to some damn party," Katsuki grumbled, taking a glance over at you. His brows furrowed when he met you peacefully slouched down, nose dug into your phone as you presumably played some sort of game to pass the time. Like you had no care in the world for your predicament.

"It's your best friend's birthday, love," You mused back, Katsuki surprised you even listened based on your focused expression directed towards your phone. "It's not like we can just miss it,"

"Yeah, but we could have missed all this pain by taking the train instead of driving across town during rush hour,"

"Trains are icky, the seats would have ruined your suit and my dress," You pointed out, looking at the blond over your screen, sending him a sweet smile. He cocked a brow, a smirk creeping its way onto his lips as a scoff of a laugh broke out between them.

"Right, and laying down like a sloth is gonna help keep your dress uncreased?" He returned, amused at your realisation. At his comment, you sat up faintly and pouted your lip.

"Driving means more time to play Gravity Pops, and so does traffic,"

"Seriously? That's the game you're playing? You're such a dumbass,"

"Yes! I'm in the top 11% globally! I need to get to number one!" Was your protest, your arms flailing ahead of you briefly for dramatic emphasis. Katsuki clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, though the small smile plastered over his lips betrayed his initial reaction. Unable to deny your determination, he spoke with confidence and almost a sense of pride.

"Number one, hm? Clearly rubbing off on you aren't I?"

"In a way, yes,"

"That's my girl," Katsuki remarked, earning a giggle from you that was uplifting to hear. It was there your attention went back to your phone, but Katsuki wasn't done. "So, speaking of cars, Y/N," Hearing his chosen tone - which sounded suggestive, you eyed him closely. Hesitant to reply as you had a sense of what he planned to say.

"...Yes?"

"Have you thought any more about getting your driver's license yet?"

Called it.

"...No,"

"What?" Katsuki began, tilting his head. He was surprised that he felt surprised. You had said those words in regards to this topic countless times. Still, he persisted. "Is that a no meaning you haven't or no meaning that you don't want to?"

"Both?" You half-guessed, sheepishly grinning at the look you were sent. "Look, cars scare me okay? And so do roads. And people. My nerves wouldn't be able to handle it! I can barely communicate with people face to face, so me being on the road is a recipe for disaster!"

"I know but -," Katsuki exhaled sharply, understanding your reasoning. You had voiced these concerns when confiding to Katsuki about your fears of the road. Something built and corrupted from social media as well as phobias and fears in general, it was a battle you had yet to overcome. You wanted to drive but was terrified of messing up or causing chaos on the road. Potentially inflicting harm to someone and yourself. You still weren't sure what triggered it all, but over the years it had manifested into something quite irrational, to say the least. Katsuki had been supportive of it and whilst he truly would love to always act as your personal taxi - you couldn't hide from it forever. It wasn't his job to keep you in your comfort zone. That, and he couldn't always be there for you that way. What if he was miles away and you had somewhere urgent to go like the hospital? "It's not as scary as you think. I know it's hard to believe that but seriously. The freedom you get from driving is amazing,"

"I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" You said with hesitancy, looking at Katsuki for a sign of confirmation. He nodded in defeat, knowing you probably needed more time and felt put on the spot. So he averted his eyes back to the road to check if the traffic had moved at all. It had not.

"Okay," Katsuki said. "But I can't be your taxi service forever,"

"But I like you being my taxi service," You jokingly said, a little sadness in your tone. "Your road rage is funny and I like watching you get out of the car and walk to my door after pulling up in my driveway,"

"What do you mean?" Katsuki asked, catching the twitch of a smile on your face upon saying those words. It struck his interest in what you could mean.

"You know, like when you say you're coming to pick me up?" You explained. "You pull up at my driveway and I don't know... simple things like that just remind me of how much I love you. It's dumb really, but it's important to me,"

"Really?" Katsuki questioned in disbelief. How something so small and meaningless could mean so much was puzzling. He couldn't understand why it was so special to you. But that didn't invalidate it in any shape or form. So he pushed that aside, replacing his wonder with gratitude. He returned to your bashful and flustered features, feeling a smile grow on his face.

"Yeah," You said, shrugging to downplay your words. "I love you. Stuff like that means a lot to me,"

"I love you too, even though you're a dumbass," Katsuki said, humbled by what you had said. The two of you shared a gentle exchange, your hand grabbing hold of Katsuki's as you gave it a squeeze. He squeezed back, and silence ensued. Had he realised such a thing sooner, then Katsuki would have pulled up in your driveway much more than he had been doing. But at that a thought struck his mind, victoriously smirking as he had an idea on how to potentially sway your worries. Or begin swaying it. Something was better than nothing, after all. "But what if I wanted you to pull up in my driveway one day?" His words caused you to look over at him in curiosity, hearing the seriousness in the question. It caught you off guard momentarily, having to contemplate as you gradually concluded that he had a point.

"Well one day, maybe I will," You vaguely replied and sat up a little bit. The hand holding yours pulled back and lifted to land on your shoulder, gripping reassuringly tight.

"I hope you do, I'd like to get in on this driveway action," He joked and smirked, faith riddled in his expression. You giggled ever so slightly, tempted to lean forward and peck Katsuki on the lips in thanks, but never a thing was to happen as the alerting red light from outside switched to warm amber.

"Ah!" Katsuki yelled in triumph, his attention leaving you swiftly as he got back into the driver's seat. Giving you no opportunity to respond to him and overall ruining the moment. "Took fucking long enough!"

The light turned green, and he set the car in motion, leaving you with your thoughts and the words he had uttered that day as the traffic stood still.

All your efforts, all your time devoted to getting over your fear of driving and the road as a whole... all of it was pointless. You did it for him. You promised him you would overcome your fears and better yourself. He built that motivation up brick by brick until you could grab hold and seize control. He wasted all that time to get you to reach such a stepping stone only to abandon it once it was through.

Just so you could pull up in his driveway, just like he requested. And what did you get in return when you finally did? A stab in the back and the loss of your other half.

You wiped your eyes via the sleeve of your hoodie, dampening the cuffs. Sniffling and exhaling a shaky breath, your gaze landed on nothing in particular. Yet somewhere within your clouded mind, you found interest. As that was where your gaze remained for a certain amount of time. You weren't sure how long exactly. It could have felt like an hour and only been five minutes. Or it could have felt like five minutes and was actually an entire hour. Either way, the clock ticked on and didn't wait for you to stop.

It was a good thing you had pushed your fears down and rose above them. It just pained you that you didn't even do it for yourself. Without Katsuki Bakugou, you never had any intentions of doing so. As a matter of fact, you had set out to take the train or bus for the rest of your life. Hell, you were going to use a bike and scooter if you got desperate. Had he even acknowledged how much work you put in just to get where you were? Was all that effort part of the reason why he decided to cheat? There was absolutely no telling. Absolutely no telling at all.

You wondered what he was doing now. Was he laid in bed resting peacefully? Out with his friends for a boy's night only? Maybe cooking his favourite curry? Possibly on a late-night jog despite the harsh weather? It never stopped him other times.

Did he ever think about you? Regret what he did and the actions he took? Had he ever considered apologising? Would he ever apologise? What if he was celebrating the fact you were no longer in his life? Had there ever been any love there for you in the start? Did he ever actually want you to get your driver's license because he believed in you? Or was it so he could get rid of you with much more ease? Make his departure less severe and less selfish? A way to justify his choices because it's not like you were hopelessly left to suffer everyday life now that you had a means of transport. Was he really that cruel?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sharp jingle of your phone, the device lighting up as it sat in the passenger seat to your left. It took two or three rings for you to glance over at it, E/C eyes sore and drained from crying out. You squinted them to read the caller, seeing the name 'Work' fade in and out on the brightly lit screen. For a second or two you argued back and forth on whether to even bother picking up. Something about reaching across for your phone requiring a magnitude of energy you no longer possessed. Having spent it all on your cries of agony and the deprivation of your old life as a whole.

However, you had ignored your work in the last couple of weeks too many times now. So many times that pulling the same stunt again would probably risk you losing your job. It's not like your work was interested in why you felt such overwhelming pain... all they cared about was you turning up to do what you were hired to.

So using a forceful hand, you leaned over to pick it up. You fumbled to grip your phone and accepted the call with a dainty tap of your thumb. Then you blinked away your tears and subtly sniffed, pressing your phone to your ear to address the caller.

"Hello?" You practically croaked, quick to clear your throat and push any signs of upset down. It was presumably dry from how much you'd cried in the last two hours.

"L/N! Hey! Glad you finally picked up!" Unlike the droll and unvarying tones of your boss, the person on the other end was much more lively and greeting. So much so you could only assume it was none other than your work colleague, Etsuko. Probably the only person you genuinely liked where you worked, and the only person who made the time pass by faster. "I was worried you were gonna leave me on answer phone again,"

"Hm, what? Oh right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Haven't been feeling too great," You lied, even though it wasn't a complete fib. You hadn't been feeling great at all. You had never felt so rock bottom. It all just originated from your mind over anything else. But when did work care about that?

"Sounds like it, I hope you've been okay!" Still cheery as ever, Etsuko followed up with a laugh to fill the silence you created by not saying anything. "Is everything well? It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No. It's not. Just some dumb cold I caught," You excused. "I'm better now, though," Slouching down in your seat, you decided to ask the question that had been roaming your mind the last minute or so. "So why are you calling?"

"Oh, right!" Etsuko said. "Mr Kobashigawa was just wondering when you planned on coming back - for schedule reasons and to get people to fill in for your shifts,"

"I er...," Not entirely sure how to answer, you stuttered as your words cowered away in your attempt to speak. "I don't -,"

"It's okay, he doesn't need an answer yet," Etsuko reassured. "Maybe in the next day or two, though? He wasn't really specific, being honest,"

You sighed at the guilt brewing in your stomach. You weren't even sick for crying out loud! Why were you lying just so you could wallow in your own sadness?! Like that was going to change anything! Sitting around and crying wasn't going to give you what you wanted. You weren't getting him back. Katsuki Bakugou wasn't yours anymore. He made that clear by cheating. By making minimal effort to give you an explanation. By causing you so much pain with little care or concern. Why couldn't you get it through your thick skull that your feelings didn't matter anymore?! That they were being wasted on a lost cause. A lost relationship!

"Well I mean -," You started, running a hand through your hair as you tread carefully on your words. "I could come in tonight? Has Mr Kobashigawa got someone to fill for me yet?"

"Um... no? I don't think so?" Etsuko answered, uncertainty in her voice. "Let me go check. Be right back!" And with that, the line fell dead. The call didn't end, just Etsuko placing the phone down to get an answer for you. Leaving you all by your lonesome once more.

Reflecting, you could see the logic in your thoughts. The best course of action would be to hold your head up high and live life the way it was before. When you were happy. Just... excluding the factors that actually made you happy. Which was him. Wouldn't that be healthier than crying all the time?

Yes, it would. But was it what you wanted? Not really.

"L/N!" The voice in your ear startled you to the point you nearly dropped your phone, panicking through a gasp as you fiddled to grab hold of it again.

"Wa-! Careful you nearly scared me half to death!"

"Oops, sorry!" Etsuko giggled softy, sounding as perky as ever. "I'm just excited to tell you that nobody's filling in your shift! You can still come in for ten-thirty!"

"I-I can?" You asked. After an upbeat 'yeah!' filtered through your ears, you considered your options. Remaining in the serene, quiet confines of your car with only the downfall of rain to accompany you sounded like utter bliss, given how you felt. But you felt an internal kick up the backside which told you - no... demanded you to just get over this moping attitude of yours and look on the bright side. To get over the lack of closure and simply... move on.

Yeah... if he found out you were an utter train wreck thanks to the damage he inflicted; Katsuki Bakugou would probably revel in it. He had a history of gaining pleasure from other's misfortunes... or it was rumoured he did (during his younger years, anyway). You had never wanted to believe it but you couldn't find a reason to refute it anymore. After all you had been through, it seemed to fit his character and personality more than ever. So with that fact apparent, you held a firm forefront and searched for a determined tone, and made your answer to your friend.

"You betcha I'm coming in! I'll see you in half an hour!"

Too enthusiastic? Probably. Still, it was better than acting pessimistic and hopeless. No matter, however, because that was exactly the attitude Etsuko had been hoping for.

"Alrighty!" She exclaimed, smile audible in her voice from the other end. "I can't wait to get our dynamic duo going again! I've missed you!"

"Yeah, me too, 'Suko," You hummed in agreement.

"Great! Catch ya later my partner in crime,"

"Heh. You too, dumbass," You found a reason to smile from her childish behaviour, though your choice of wording seemed to hit a nerve. It did more than that, it practically reverted all that confidence and progress you had made in the last ten minutes of being on the phone. All from one innocent word that escaped your lips.

Dumbass.

That's what he used to call you.

The phone call had ended without you even noticing, your phone still pressed to your ear as a small buzz sounded into it. You stared dead ahead, flashes of all the times he had said that word to you running through your memory. It was his form of a pet name. Some might see it as a little degrading on the surface, but you never minded. Once you learned the deeper meaning of the name, it became something equivalent to the likes of 'Sunshine' or 'Angel'. If anything, you ended up preferring it to those sorts of nicknames. Hence why Katsuki Bakugou had called you it on so many occasions.

No. Stop it. You can't let something like that bother you. Not after the efforts you just went to. Stop. Shaking yourself out of it, you returned to reality and permitted your phone to drop onto your lap. Your hand once holding it gripped onto your steering wheel, the other following shortly behind to do the same.

"I love you too, even if you're a dumbass,"

That rung in your head one final time, tormenting and mocking your present. The things you'd be willing to do to hear him say that to you one last time...

"No," You firmly shook your head, banging it lightly against the headrest to return yourself to reality. An attempt to knock those words to the back of your mind where you could lock them in a securely tight safe for the rest of eternity. "Just... just don't think about it. Easy. Just focus on what you're doing now," You reached for your keys which sat in the ignition, taking hold and turning them ever so slightly. Your car stirred to life, engine rumbling and the dials lighting up in a form of warm greeting. "You're going to work. No more feeling sorry for yourself,"

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

Your eyes set themselves on the road ahead. The vacant, dark and solitary road that didn't wait for you to make your decision. Life moved on after all, so if you were going to do anything - it was to catch up and take the winning lead.

So despite your circumstances; your inner desires and wishes and begs for what you wanted back but to no avail would ever get, you pulled out of your parking space (which had long exceeded the time limit, thankfully nobody was around to see) that drowned in pitiful rains of the night, and began to make your way down the street. In search of a place better than the one you were trapped in.

An endless road that wasn't all that clear, you were going to tackle it. Not for anyone else, unlike the last time you met difficulty and hardships. No, no, no. This time it was for your sake. All the mental energy to recover and become a better version of yourself, in the endgame it was all for you. You could push past all the deceit and lies you had been told and you could push past your normality which was him. Katsuki Bakugou. The man that hurt you as nobody had ever done before. You could create new normality without him.

A thought of forever he created and destroyed, resorted to driving alone past his street, never to be thought of again.

[munsonenthisiast]

Then & Forever

A/N: I wrote this in like five days and had my bestie edit. This is my first time writing anything, but I love Josh so-

Summary: Since you started working for GVF, you and Josh had grown close to each other over the years. This time you hope your feelings don't get in the way of ruining everything you built.

Contains: Smut, drinking, smoking, cursing

WC: 10.9k

"So you're saying that. . . you've never played an instrument before?" Sam pointed at his bass. You laughed at the question, sipping your beer. "Correct." Sam furrowed his face in confusion. "Then why do you have a degree IN music if you can't play?" Josh hit Sam on the shoulder with a pencil making a small face. You shrugged your shoulders, swishing the alcohol around your mouth. "I don't know, It's just something I've never wanted to do, you know. I guess it's one thing knowing about an instrument rather than playing it."

Everyone nodded in agreement. "Well, if you did play anything I'm sure you'd be really good at it." Josh smiled towards you. He went back to writing in his journal while everyone else went back to respectively playing their own instruments.

But for you, it seemed a long way home. Never did it cross your mind that you would basically be living with four different people from time to time. Especially not so quickly. Greta Van Fleet was your first job, and really, first anything. From high school until now, you were alone. Which made you a little grumpy when working with people, but none the less you warmed up to them quickly. Especially Josh, who always seemed attached to the hip with you.

Josh may have annoyed you a tiny bit at first, but his euphoric mind is what intrigued you in the first place. He always seemed so wise, knowing the right answer to everything. And the way he wrote the lyrics to songs, just naturally appeared to him somehow. It was truly magic.

Jake smacked you on the arm, calling for your attention. "Ok, what do you think of this." He pulled the guitar over his lap, playing the notes he came up with. You quickly wrote down the notes he played, looking out for any correction. "So what do you think?" He asked, flailing his arms around. Running your pencil down the piece of paper, you started to shake your head. "I think it sounds pretty good," you said looking at Josh, who also nodded his head in compliance. "What would also sound cool is if you gave it a little vibrato during a live show."

Jake smiled writing the commentary down on a sticky note. "You know, for not knowing how to play, you really are smart with this kind of stuff." You glared your eyes at him, snickering just a little bit. Everyone worked for a couple of more hours, before calling it a night. Danny and Sam were practically sleeping on each other.

You shook Sam awake, snatching his car keys from his hand. "We'll both be dead if you drive, and were the most important in the band. Well, besides Danny. And Jake. And Josh." You twirled the keys around your finger while Sam stretched to get awake. Josh flipped all the pages over in his journal, turning to you. "We got pretty far today, don't you think?" Josh smiled at his brothers, who were already arguing about something. "Yeah. Maybe we'll get better stuff done tomorrow, you know. This is supposed to be the 'fun' part," you said using air quotations, "but the most boring part out of everything. But maybe, in the end, it'll all be worth it." you hit Josh's arm softly.

"Are you going with Sam?" you nodded quickly. "Yeah, I kind of promised him I would help him with some stuff in the morning." Josh looked sadder than ever. You smiled at Josh, noticing Sam waiting by the door with Jake and Danny. "I'll see you later." You gave Josh a quick kiss on the head.

"Let's go." you wiggled a finger at Sam, practically dragging him to the car. The ride to Sam's house was fairly quiet other than the little snores coming from him. It was nice to get a moment or two of peace to yourself. Working and living with four grown men gave no room for privacy. Everything is shared between you all. Which you had to admit, scared you a little at first because you've always grown up with a sister and maybe a few girlfriends here and there; but you were never as close to them, then as you were to the band.

The house was quiet when you walked in, dark and dim from the night sky. Sam immediately walked to his bedroom, and passed out on his bed. Which left you alone in the kitchen. Putting some of the items away in cabinets, you looked around at all the brothers' family photos, including some of Danny. It made you smile to yourself to see some of them so young and happy. Maybe a little vulnerable too. You were a little envious of how confident some of them had been with their work, just being able to put themselves out there, accepting failure. Not you though. Failure made you angry, furious even. Sometimes it got so bad, you'd hide away for days without any contact with the outside world.

After putting all the trash away, you headed back to the spare room. You turned on all the lights, changing into some warmer clothing. Crawling under the sheets, sleep came easy that night.

-

When you woke up, the blinds had been left the night before causing you to shoot out of bed. Quickly rubbing your eyes, you went to the bathroom to clean up a bit. When you walked towards the kitchen, your feet padded beneath you. Sam still wasn't up, which was pretty normal. You started some coffee and cooked breakfast for the two of you. Though, something triggered you to open a forbidden drawer and bum a cigarette. Quickly lighting it, you messed around with food until it was cooked.

"A cigarette at 8 in the morning?" Sam questioned groggily, clad in just sweatpants. "Well, you know me; I only smoke when I'm forgetting something." You both said in unison. You quickly waved him off, pouring food onto a plate for both of you. "I wonder WHO you're forgetting." You scrunched your face, looking around the room. "What do you mean who?" Sam scoffed. "Josh," You quickly rolled your eyes, slamming the plate down on the table "Eat the fucking food you loser." You both contently ate in peace while making some playful banter here and there. "So what exactly do you need help with?" Sam pulled out a cigarette from the cartridge, silently lighting.

"I need help with a decision." Sam stared at you while you nodded your in question, pretending like you at least understood what he was talking about. "Look, I just want you to go with me to buy another bass, ok. And I want to go to the record store." Narrowing your eyes, you pulled the cigarette from him. "I feel like this is something completely different than what you're telling me." Sam shook his head slowly. "Nope. I still want to keep the mint-colored bass, but I just want to have a cool collection, you know. Oh, let's buy something expensive!" He pointed the smoke at you, while you collected the dishes to put in the sink. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, please. We can not go broke. Not like last time." You shuddered at the thought.

"Thanks for the food. I'm gonna get ready." You flinched your eyebrows and kept washing the dishes, putting them in the dishwasher. You quickly went back to the room for a change of clothes. By the time you were done, Sam was waiting at the door for you. Grabbing your coat and your shoes, you both headed out the door. Sam was walking coolly beside you, as you both looked around the town. Shops were lining down the small street, with cars passing through. He put his arm around your shoulder as you both passed through large crowds. Finally finding the music shop, you both walked in, heading to a certain section.

"So remind me," He paused to look at a sleek grey bass, flipping it over a couple of times. "Why don't you ever get with Josh? I mean he obviously likes you." You scoffed a little bit at his statement. "I thought we were here for you Sam, not to talk about me." You picked up a dark wood bass, showing it to Sam. "I mean with that same logic why don't I ever get with you? I mean we're close, right?" He rolled his eyes, still playing with the instrument you showed him.

"I think I like this one." Sam brought it up to the counter, talking to the girl up front. Who seemed to really enjoy the conversation they were having. Turning on your heel, you waited by the door playing with some random drum sticks. Sam eventually walked over and led you out. "It'll be delivered in a couple of weeks. I bought a whole new one." You pursed your lips smiling at Sam. "Did you also manage to snag that poor girl's number?"

Sam pushed you upside the head as you walked into the record store. You both parted ways looking at different sections. You flipped through vintage albums, picking out random ones you thought everyone would enjoy. After looking through some more, Sam found you and walked to the front to pay. "You found quite a lot there," Sam said, peeking through the ones in your hand.

"Yeah, figured I could add a bit to my very depressing collection." you chuckled, looking at one of the sleek covers. "Don't you have like two?" you glared back at Sam. "Which I believe are both of your band's albums." Sam laughed. You both paid, bags in hand.

"So what now?" you asked Sam as you both mindlessly walked around. "Probably go home. Want me to take you back?" You nodded in agreement and headed back to his car.

-

After saying goodbye to Sam, you walked back up the stairs to your apartment. When you opened the door, Josh appeared from your room, causing you to nearly break the table in the hallway.

"What the hell Josh!" He shrugged his shoulders, making his way to the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"I was waiting until you got back from hanging out with my brother. What were you two doing anyway?" Pouring a glass of water from the sink, you took a sip, and made your way to the couch next to Josh. You leaned your head back on the cushion, staring at the ceiling. "Sam bought a pretty hefty bass, and bought more records." You looked over at Josh. "What about you?"

"Well you know," he sighed. "Tried to work on writing up some new lyrics. Even went over to Danny's and Jake's to work some stuff out. It's coming along nicely." Setting the cup down on the coffee table, you looped an arm around Josh's, leaning your head on his shoulder. "Good. It'll come out beautifully in the end," you said patting his hand. You sniffed, sitting up in your seat. "Are you staying for dinner?" Josh hummed looking up at you. "Oh yeah. I was actually wondering if I could stay for the night; get's kind of lonely at my place." You nodded.

"Yeah, that's fine." You walked over to the kitchen. "Anything in mind you want to eat?" you asked. "Uh, how about that chicken. The one you make with the rice, mushrooms, and asparagus." You started to pull out the pots and pans, placing them on the stove. You leaned back on the counter watching everything cook. To be quite frank, you didn't know how you would handle Josh staying over. Of course, you and Josh were rather close, it even shocked people that you knew each other so well. After all, he knew you better than your own blood.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. On one hand, it would give you time to think some things over and ponder the questions Sam had asked you earlier today. And then you could for sure decide what you wanted to do. You grabbed some plates and moved the food over to the table. Josh was already seated, patiently awaiting your arrival.

"Looks good, as always." he complimented, raising his hands towards you. "Thanks, Josh." you smiled.

"So," he said, chewing his food. "What happened at the music store?" Rolling your eyes at the thought of Sam annoying you, you told him about how he was flirting with the girl at the front desk. "I mean just giggling, and laughing, it was like watching teenagers make out." You made a small coughing noise thinking about Sam flirting with that poor girl. "But, you know, as they say, there's someone for everyone," you said sarcastically, shaking your head. Josh let out a high-pitched laugh at Sam. "That's Sam for you. He bore you with anything else?"

You thought about all the moments were Sam had bullied you over liking Josh or falling in love with Josh. Of course, you loved Josh but you weren't sure whether you were 'in love' with him per se. He was practically your other half. Nobody else could compare to that. But it was hard to decipher whether you even liked him like that. "You know. The usual; stuff about when you all were younger and more embarrassing moments."

Josh covered his face with his hands, groaning. "I hope it wasn't all too bad." He shook his head, eating the last bits of food. "Not at all, actually." As you both finished your plates, you sat in comfortable silence. That was until Josh spoke out about something.

"Hey remember that time- ugh geez, when was it," he asked, pressing on his face. "Probably around the time I first met you, and I pretty much knew then you hated my fucking guts, man" You let out a breath at the thought of Josh thinking you hated him. "But that was also the time I kept catching you listening to the album at the time. Just over and over and over again." Josh just shook his head thinking of you. "I didn't- hate you," you confessed. "I just really didn't know how to be around people so much. I did like that album though." you laughed, pointing at Josh. Who also laughed along with you. "Look, I'm sorry I made you feel that way; I just, I've never really had close friends like you." Before he could say anything back, you picked up the plates, placing them in the sink.

From inside the kitchen, you could hear him talking to his brothers on the phone. The usual screaming, laughing, and anger from whatever stupid joke someone told. It honestly made you wish you were closer to your own sister. Whom you haven't spoken to in the past ten years. After you finished off with the dishes, you walked to your bedroom. Which was hard to admit, but you had an entire wall full of Greta Van Fleet photos from when you first started working with them because you had a hard time telling who was who.

"Oh, I remember these photos!" Josh exclaimed as walked into your room. He marveled at all the photos you had printed out and plastered on the wall. Some even had labels of all the boy's names. "Yeah, a little creepy, don't you think?"

Josh shrugged. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because you didn't know who we were, and I know some people have a hard time differentiating between us twins." You turned around and opened up the bag full of record vinyl, handing some to Josh. "Here, I bought some for you earlier, and I figured I could use some- given the only two I have are from your band." He giggled, flipping through the different albums. "Oh, Bob Dylan! What a legend and old Michael Jackson! Very good stuff." You patted his shoulder as you put away all the other albums on a shelf.

"So, the spare bedroom should be good-" Josh cut you off. "I was hoping to sleep with you, actually. Unless that makes you too uncomfortable." You nearly choked on your own spit when Josh asked you that. You really didn't think he'd be that lonely. "Um, no that's fine. I'm sure I have someone's clothes here you can use." He grinned.

"Thanks." You handed him some spare clothes and left him to change in the bathroom. When you returned he was already tucked in, facing the wall with the pictures. Turning off the light, you quietly slid in next to him. You'd never really been in this much of an intimate situation, no less next to Josh. It wasn't awkward, but it was just hard to decipher the feelings of the both of you, and where he was going with his suggestion. "Can I ask you something?" Josh whispered. He turned around to face you closer.

"What was your initial thought when you first met me?" You laughed a little to yourself. "When I first met you I wanted to be exactly like you." Josh propped himself up on his elbow, leaning even closer to you.

"What about me?" he asked. "I don't know. You were always so confident, and the way you carried yourself; just, it made me so mad and angry that I couldn't be like that. Maybe that's why it came off that I hated you a little bit." Josh laid back down.

"Listen, you'll always be the best thing that happened to me. When I first met you, I thought you had the most brilliant mind out of everyone I ever met. Except for Danny. He's got an excellent brain." You smacked his arm laughing out loud.

"Thank you, Josh." You rolled over onto your side, hoping to fall asleep soon. Before you did though, you felt Josh slip an arm around your side; his face falling into the back of your neck. Soon, both of you fell asleep together.

-

When morning came the next day, Josh was still entangled in your back, but this time his arm was hugging you tighter. At any slight movement, he just pulled you closer. Finally giving up from moving away from Josh, you laid there silently in his arms. You silently traced the creases in his hand, thinking absentmindedly. He stirred a tiny bit but never woke. You took this time to turn around and look at him. His arm still wrapped around tightly on your shoulder; causing you to bury your face into his chest.

Inhaling his warm scent, you just about closed your eyes imagining a world where you were in love with him, and he loved you back. At this moment, he started to finally wake up. You decided to keep your eyes closed, too embarrassed to see what his reaction would be to find you both like this. You could feel Josh's eyes looking around the room before they made their way down to you. Feeling the certainty of him staring down at you made you panic a little. But then you could feel his hand start to part through your hair, moving it out of your face. His movement followed by leaning forward, giving you a long slow kiss on the forehead.

Then there was the fine sensation of his lips lingering on your skin. He started whispering your name, shaking you awake. You slowly blinked your eyes to make it look like you hadn't really been awake all this time. He smiled brightly when you both made eye contact. "Good morning," he said softly. You smiled, placing a hand on his chest. "Good morning Josh."

Letting out a little yawn, you turned over and sat up on the side of the bed. You sipped on some water that had been on you bedside for a while, then stretched out. "What do you plan on doing today?" you asked groggily. "Everyone wanted to meet up today and go over some stuff. Wanna join?" you quickly nodded your head.

"Great. Well then, I'll go take a shower and get ready." He walked away silently, leaving you all alone once more. Deciding against the better of things, you too got up to shower. While waiting for the water to heat up, you traced against the spots where Josh's hand had been.

It's like there was a space left on you, but you could only feel the invisible touch leftover from him. Jumping in the shower felt like you were committing a terrible sin. The handprint of Josh washed away as every drop of water hit your body. But it felt just as warm and comforting as him. After quickly getting dressed, you met Josh at the front door who was holding it open for you. The crisp autumn air surprised you in the face when you walked outside. The sidewalks weren't too busy but crowded to perfection

You both got in the car and drove to the studio. Everyone was already there by the time you two made it; For some reason, Josh had wanted to stop to get everyone coffee and a bagel, which you really couldn't say no to. Sam raised his eyebrows at you when you walked in with Josh pretty late. You hit him on the arm lightly. Sam rubbed the part of his arm, cursing you off. Everyone, including you, walked into a backroom set with all the instruments anyone could think of, and two very well-loved on couches.

The lights in the room were set to a dim, vintage-style brown, illuminating everyone's tan features. Josh handed the food out, starting the conversation. It varied from topic to topic.

"How is everyone?"

"Are there new ideas anyone wants to talk about?"

"How about we do this instead of that."

Josh snapped his fingers in front of your face, waving his hand around. "Hey silly, I asked you a question." you looked up quickly, meeting everyone's gaze. "Huh?"

"I said do you have any ideas on what we should wear?" You pulled out a small sketchbook from your jacket pocket showing Josh, and the rest of the band on the different aesthetics for clothing. "I was thinking about stitching some nudity art on the back for Josh. I'll probably go shopping for some silk and thread. I found this really cool jacket piece for Jake; I'll add some things on it, and a shiny blazer for Sam. As for Danny, I found these really nice pants, but I have to tailor them. I'm still trying to find a smooth shirt to go with."

You wrote down some reminder notes giving the rest some time to process anything and get started. Josh sat next to you on one of the couches, pulling out his note journal. He pointed out some of the lyrics, whispering to himself before showing it to you. "I came up with these this morning." your cheeks turned red, though you doubt Josh could see given how dark it was. You read through the lines in each glorious manner. They each had a delicate touch to them, written with something personal

It reminded you of something ethereal. Like being in outer space, and getting to look at all the planets from afar. "What are you thinking?" Josh asked. You let out a short breath before answering. "I think it's good. Really good in fact. I can feel it's personal to you, you know."

Before he could respond, there was a line of curses causing you both to look up. Jake was yelling at himself and the guitar in his hands with a tiny string poking out from the neck of the guitar.

"This fucking piece of shit keeps breaking," he he groaned, with gritted teeth. Rolling your eyes, you went to the other grabbing some new guitar strings. Handing them back Jake, he mumbled out a thank you. "Guess what, it's not that hard to get up and get new strings, Jake. I just did it by myself." Everyone laughed at your taunting to Jake, getting rid of his frustrated mood.

"Well, you're the best." He poked your shoulder. You headed back to another room to think about some more things. Possibly about Josh; but the majority for the band. Really working with them, never gave you time to put yourself out there. Which wasn't a terrible thing. In fact, you preferred not to out. You've always had a one-track mind. Focused too much on one thing, forgetting completely about anything else. It's probably why you'd failed out of most schools during your high school and college career. It always ended up being too much for your brain to handle.

Maybe that's what you feared most. Things always getting in the way; either making you angry, or angry enough to run away and never look back. You didn't want that with Josh. Nor did you want that for this band. You made some more scratch notes, listening to the muffled sound of music. After a while, you doodled in your notebook for some clothing ideas. Stitching had been one of the many skills that stuck with you since when. You never really knew where you learned to do such a thing.

Josh always told you how marvelous your work was. That it belonged in a museum of some sort. He knew somehow that you'd do great things with art. When sketching became boring, you shopped around online for some fabric, and thread, ordering what you needed. When finished some smaller portions of work, you fell back on the couch pushing your hair out of your face. Josh walked in at the right time, pulling you back into the studio.

"We hashed some things out, figured what don't and do want for some of the songs. Think we'll be ready to record in a few weeks." All the boys cheered each other on, pushing each other around. "I think this calls for a celebration over some drinks."

"Great idea. There's a bar a couple of blocks from here. What do you say?" Everyone hummed in agreement, piling out the door. Josh had a hand on your back as he walked you out through all the doors.

-

When you walked inside there were a few people seated around. It wasn't overbearing crazy. Everyone took a seat at the bar ordering drinks. You had already taken a couple of tequila shots to loosen up for the night. "So tell me," Josh slouched down in his seat. "What do you think the future holds for this band." You giggled, already a little drunk.

"What I think doesn't matter Josh. I think that you'll be successful in whatever you choose to do. I think it's you as the leader to help everyone along. In my opinion, they're here to support you and your ideas. I mean, of course, they have their own input but you get what I'm saying." Josh nodded along, sipping his drink. "That's quite a mouthful, but yeah. I'd do anything for these people. For Christ's sake, three of them are my brothers. And Danny I've known for like ever." He pointed to them, which they were all fighting about something.

Josh shook his head, looking down at the floor. He placed a hand on your shoulder as he left for another drink. Sam soon replaced Josh, slouching in the same position. "What were you two talking about." He waved a finger around your face. To which, you quickly swatted away. "He loves you, Sam. We love you. I love you, Sam."

Sam pursed his lips, squinting his eyes. "You're that drunk already?" You hummed looking at your watch seeing as only twenty minutes had passed. "Well Sam, the night's still young, so I'm willing to get fucking wasted if you are." He quickly nodded his head, ordering the two of you more drinks. As the night went on, all of you managed to play twelve rounds of pool (none of which you won), a game of cards, and meet totally random people. You, including the boys, were completely wasted and it wasn't even one in the morning. Danny and Jake had left to go god knows where, leaving you, Sam, and Josh talking to some random girl at a table. Looking over at Josh, you felt your heart hurt a little.

Sometimes you wish you had the assertiveness that Josh had to talk to him. Deep down you knew he would never reject you. He would randomly bring up why you never got together, but you always dismissed the conversation too scared of what might happen. Sam slipped next to you, turning his chair around to face you. He followed your line of sight, his eyes landing on Josh laughing with the same girl who's been here for hours.

"Look, if it pisses you off that much, talk to him later. It's not like he's gonna hate you for the rest of his life. He practically loves you to death." You shook your head, taking another drink of your beer. "I'm just- I'm not mad- I'll just never be able to be that person who can just randomly walk up to a person and fall 'in love' with them." You cried. Every time you think about it, you just want to go to bed and hide. "But how come I never end up with people like you or Jake or even sweet people like Danny. Why does it have to be Josh?"

Sam sat up in his chair, turning it back around to face the bar. "Why don't you try it. Maybe you fighting inside that big head of yours really doesn't like Josh after all." Sam said as he cradled your face, shaking it around. "Really?" Sam shrugged. "What's the worse that can happen? If something happens, so be it. Never hurts to try anything."

Sam bent down quickly, kissing you softly. His lips felt smooth against yours like running a hand over pliable silk. He swiftly ran a hand through your hair, pulling your face closer to his. Finally, he pulled away, smiling down at you.

"Nope." you shook your head. "Well hey, at least we know." He patted your shoulder, walking away towards a game of cards being played.

-

The next day you woke up with an intense headache. There was some leftover water and Ibuprofen on your nightstand. You didn't know how you made it back home or really remember anything at all from the night before.

You downed the pill and some water, making your way slowly to the bathroom, balancing yourself on a wall. You turned on the shower letting the hot water settle the uneasiness in your stomach. The pounding inside your head kept going on for what felt like hours. It didn't help either that you were trying so hard to remember the night before. Of course, you knew that you drank more than you could handle. Then there was Sam. But it all stopped there.

The shower helped a little bit. You danced around to find some clothes to get ready, or at least look decent. After getting ready, you drove back to Sam's. When he opened the door, you noticed Jake and Danny were there already. Except for no Josh. Not that it was out of the ordinary, it was just something you expected.

You made your way through his kitchen, pulling out a cigarette. "I don't think you really wanna be smoking that right now." You glared at him before putting the smoke out. "Um, do you remember what happened last night?" You asked, rubbing the small spot on your head in hopes to get rid of the pain. Sam bit into a piece of food, answering with his mouth full. "We kissed. Yeah," he nodded in assurance. "Yeah, we kissed." You let your head fall into your hands, groaning.

"How'd I get home?" Sam hummed, pointing his piece of food at you. "Josh. Although, he seemed pretty pissed at me. You were also super drunk." Right, you thought. Of course, this would happen to you. Partially you blamed yourself for being so stuck-up and bitchy most of the time, but part of you wishes Sam just pushed you away. Why were you so indecisive all the damn time? For once, it would be nice if you could make a whole-hearted decision without going out and fucking everything up.

You scratched around your eye, watching Sam as he went to go sit next to Jake.

4 weeks later. . .

It really had been almost a whole month that you had gone without talking to Josh. Some nights you wish you could pick up your phone and just text him, but you know it would go unnoticed. It hurt just a little bit. Every day you blamed yourself for screwing things up. When was it not your fault that something went wrong?

You sat bored at home. You tried to catch up on different things like laundry, cleaning, reorganizing literally everything, but nothing seemed to work. You muffled curses under your breath at nothing. That was until you got a text from Jake saying that everyone needed your 'strong womanly brain' to work with. Over the four-week period, you hadn't really talked with the other band members except for Danny (who seriously cares for anybody and everything), and Sam who just random stuff.

You flipped through a random magazine, flipping through the pages reading about the different styles and how to flaunt them. That was until a text from Sam disturbed you saying that everyone needed you at the studio ASAP.

You ran to your door faster than ever, quickly putting on your coat and shoes. When you arrived, no one was seen at first, so you went to the back and everyone was gathered around in a large, huddled circle. Jake was the first to greet you, Sam following close behind.

"Hey! I haven't seen you in a long time." Jake towered over you, pulling you into his side. "Yeah, my mom called. Wanted me to go see her." you lied, looking at Sam, who had just turned in the other direction. "Well, I hope she's doing good. Look, I wanted to see your opinion on some things. Just general stuff, okay?" you nodded. He led you back to a table and passed some papers around, and a little CD that had pre-recorded music. Before any of you could speak though, a door creaked loudly, and out came Josh with a petite girl beside him. His smile immediately disappeared when his eyes landed on you.

The girl looked. . . nice. In other words, she looked like a pleasant enough girl Josh would pick from a crowd. She had a tan, rich skin like his. With wavy, brown hair. Unlike Josh, she had more hazel-green eyes. Everyone stood there awkwardly, looking around at each other. You scratched the top of your head, eyes facing down towards the table. Jake cleared his throat before grabbing a seat for Josh, and the girl.

And of course, to make more room they were both seated in between you and Jake, making her sit right next to you. You smiled nervously towards her as she got herself situated. For a while, you stared at the velvet walls as Jake led on the conversation. You felt a little poke on your arm and noticed she was trying to talk to you.

"Hi, I'm Logan," she whispered. The one thing you noticed about Logan was her smile. It reminded you of Josh. His naturally bright teeth could make anyone instantly happier. "Y/N," you said curtly. You weren't the one to start a conversation, but luckily she made it easy.

"So, how do you know Josh?" she asked, pointing to him. You played around with your nails, turning to look at her. "Uh, I work for him," Not 'I'm his best friend or anything. Totally just ruined the relationship I had by kissing his younger brother because I'm really in love with the man your dating' "And them too, of course." you gave a hesitant laugh, pointing to the rest of them. She bit her lip, turning to listen to the conversation, and then back to you.

"How long have you known all of them, or like worked for them I guess?"

"Around three years. This will be my fourth I think." she nodded with your answer. Finally, she turned back around to listen to what Josh was saying.

You looked back down at the disc, swirling it around on the table. This is hard, you thought. It's all you can think about. Logan's so kind towards you; not the weirdly hostile type. She's not annoying, not inconclusive about anything. Logan's perfect in her own way. She's perfect to Josh. Something you've always wanted, but you, yourself stopped you from having.

"So, uh Y/N, can you take a listen to the CD?" Jake asked you. "Yeah. It'll just be a little later though. I have to finish some other stuff." There was silence as everyone stared at you. Including Josh, who seemed to have a permanent look on you.

"I can listen; if you're busy," Logan speaking up caught you by surprise. It may have angered you a bit because that was your job, to listen. You just looked back at Sam anxiously, who shook his head at you.

"Oh, my bad," Josh said loudly. "This is my girlfriend- Logan. Who you have all met before, but not Y/N. Forgot to introduce you two." If everyone hadn't been in the room right now, you would've gotten up and hit him right across the head. Logan kindly smiled back at you. "Yeah, we were talking earlier," She said pointing to you. "Well, as I said, I can listen if you can't."

If it was anybody else, you would've said something back already. But who were you to yell at this kind, beautiful woman next to you? Though, Sam must've read you wrong since quietly grabbed your wrist. "Sure," you said, handing the CD to Logan. Sitting back in your chair, defeated, what else were you supposed to do?

-

Another lousy week passed, and you wanted to jump off a roof. It had been raining for the past few days, never letting up once. No one had really made contact with you except Danny (you secretly loved him to death), and Sam. You were pretty sure the rest had picked up on the tense atmosphere and didn't want to bother you. No doubt, you probably wouldn't want to speak with yourself either.

You shrugged off a sweater, playing with the end of your sheets. Life was so boring now without any entertainment from anyone. You eventually rolled over on your back, staring a hole into the ceiling. You went over every excuse and explanation you could give to Josh. You understood why he was mad, you figured that much. But sometimes you wish he had his smart wisdom back to understand you better.

You fell to the floor sometime later, reading something random off the shelf. You flipped through the pages mindlessly before you heard some knocking at your door. You ran quickly, opening the door to find Sam standing there with bottles of gin and tequila in his hand. Laughing quietly, you led him inside, finding some bottles for drinks.

"What brings you around?" you raised your eyebrows, pouring some tequila for you and Sam. "Josh," he cleared his throat, taking a few sips. "What about Josh?" Trying to hold your breath, made you curious as to why Josh's younger brother was so angry at him. In fact, you wanted to burst out laughing. "He's so stubborn with everything, and the way he talks about you. God- it's like- I've never seen so much hatred from him." Sam shook his head downing the rest of his drink. He poured some more in his cup and your cup.

You took Sam's hand leading him to your room. You put on Labi Siffre, an old, classic album. You also turned on one of your dim colored lights. They lit up Sam's cheekbones perfectly, making his pale skin glow flawlessly. It looked smooth enough to run a finger over and feel the gentle, velvety skin of Sam.

"How does he talk about me?" Sam closed his eyes, thinking. "He just doesn't let go of the subject. Anytime you or I come up, it's just this rage of fury from him. He almost shuts down essentially. You know," he burped. "They all went out tonight."

You hummed at that. "They all went out, leaving behind you and me." You scoffed at the thought of Josh with Logan at your favorite bar or restaurant. "I'm so sorry Sam." You rubbed his arm, looking down at the floor next to your bed. "That was you and your brother's relationship, and I just," you flicked your hands, making a whoosh sound. Sam laughed, leaning into your side. "Don't worry about it. I like helping you out. Josh can be a little much sometimes."

You elbowed him in the side thinking about something. "Hey whatever happened to the girl from the music shop? You ever talk to her lately?"

"Yeah," he huffed out. "We've been talking lately. She wants to meet up sometime soon, but I don't know." You cocked your head to the side. "Why not. You clearly like her and she really likes you. I don't remember when the last time some actually liked you." Sam pretended he was hurt, pushing you to the side. "I'll ask her sometime when I'm not busy. She's nice."

"And pretty?" you questioned. Sam let out a laugh, swirling the alcohol in his cup. "Very pretty." You both let out sighs sitting in comfortable silence. Although, your mind was occupied with thoughts of Josh, swirling around and never-ending. There were times you just wanted to get up and say fuck it and try to at least explain. But of course, the rejection of him never wanting to be your friend again would kill you. Maybe this was the universe's cruel way of saying you and Josh were never meant to be together in the first place.

If so, you hated it.

-

Surprisingly, Sam was the first to wake up. Which rarely happens considering how well you knew him. The poor boy slept through everything. He started shaking you awake, poking and tickling your sides. "Are you dead, jeez?" You quickly rubbed your eyes, sitting up. "Sorry, the alcohol must've really knocked me out." Sam stifled a yawn, sitting on the edge of your bed. "Well, we can do one of two things today," he noted. "We can either go to the studio and face my brother, or we can- do nothing else. That's really it. I kind of swore I would be there today."

You couldn't stay inside any longer. You decided against the greater good to tag along with Sam. Maybe you could talk with Josh, and clear the air. "Can I go with you?" Sam nodded feverishly. "Of course; that's like your job."

"It doesn't feel like it. Logan's pretty much taking over, so what's the point of me." You scoffed thinking of the mellow girl who seemed to get along with everyone. You hated to slander her, but you just wanted Josh back. You and Sam left in a rush, hastily driving to the studio. You walked inside with a cigarette dangling from your lips, smoke escaping through your nose. Sweat seeped from your palms making you excited and nervous at the same time. You felt like an outsider coming in on your job. Thinking about seeing Josh made it worse.

"Hello, Hello Y/N" Danny strutted over, hairs sticking to his forehead. He pulled you in for a tight hug, nearly suffocating you. "Hey, Daniel." you moved the hairs around his face so you could see him better. "Long time, no see, man." He laughed walking back to his seat behind the drum kit. You followed Sam to the other rooms where Jake and Josh might be hiding. Sure enough, Josh was standing next to his twin, listening to a riff he was playing. They immediately stopped talking to each other. Josh scoffed at you as Sam led you inside, beside him.

"Look what the cat dragged in!" Josh said it lowly, spitting it towards you. Your eyes looked down, not daring to ever lookup. "Hey Josh," Sam patted him on the shoulder. You looked awkwardly around the room looking for a means to escape. When you realized there wasn't one, you looked back at Josh. He quietly talked to Jake about something before turning to you. You tried to look away fast enough, but his eyes caught yours. Josh started to stalk close to you, exhaling a breath. "Hey," you thought he might've not heard you, but his response caught you off guard.

"Hey, Y/N" He sniffled a little bit before turning towards you. "Care to take a walk with me? Could use some fresh air." You nodded your head silently, following after him. If your anxiety hadn't kicked in yet, it sure as hell did now. Josh was never a person to scare you. He was too light and giddy for him to be somewhat freighting.

He walked slightly behind you with a hand on the small of your back. Josh eventually let go of you when you both made it to the sidewalk. The people around you made the silence slightly more comfortable but you wished you had something to think about other than Josh. After a few more moments of silence, you decided to speak up, but Josh beat you to it. "I'm sorry for being an ass," he cleared it all out on one breath. You scoffed at him. "I think you were being more than an ass, Josh." He suddenly slowed his walking to match your pace.

"You pretty much left me in the wind. I thought I lost my best friend," you nudged him softly in the ribcage, laughing. He held a hand over his chest, heaving out a relieved breath. "I thought you were going to hate me forever." You pointed at him before saying: "Pull anything like that again, and I'll do more than just hate you forever."

Josh held his hands up abruptly like you had caught him stealing something. "I promise." You smirked. The both of you walked around endlessly making small talk here and there. Part of you was glad that you and Josh had cleared the air. Although, you hadn't really talked with him about Sam. It embarrassed you just thinking about the whole situation.

After you made a full round of the streets, Josh walked you back inside the studio. It was hours before anyone ever got to go home. The moon had fully risen and was shining brightly in the sky. You stared up like a child, holding on tightly to your coat. When you were making your way towards Sam's car Josh had grabbed you by the elbow.

"Y/N," Josh fiddled around with the collar of his jacket, looking down at the concrete. Even though it was pitch black outside, you could tell Josh's face was heating up. "I was wondering if you wanted to come back with me? I know Sam was taking you home, but I still feel like we need to talk." A small smile started to quickly form. You nodded not thinking about the harm that could come from staying with Josh.

"Yeah, sure." you let a hesitant sigh before following him once more. When you arrived inside Josh's home it felt almost foreign. There were slightly disheveled things around, but nothing had really changed. It still had all the same scattered records on the coffee table as well as random books set around the countertops. Josh flipped on the light switch and went towards the kitchen. He came back out and handed you a cup of water before taking off his coat.

"I know, it's been a long time since we spoke," he started. "or even hung out together."

You nodded, sipping some of the water. "Yeah, I kind of missed that."

-

After you and Josh got situated, he led you back to his room. There was a dim lamp, along with some new fairy lights scattered around the ceiling. "Fairy lights?" You pointed to the little bulbs sparkling brightly. "Oh, yeah," Josh was picking out a record, finally placing it on the player. It was an album you hadn't heard before, but it seemed to fit the mood well enough. Looking around for a little bit longer you come to find some old pictures on the floor. Squatting down, you noticed they were photos of his brothers and Daniel when they were younger. But what really caught your attention was a stack neatly dedicated to you.

Some of the photos had showcased some of you and Josh's late adventures, and the concerts you had appeared to. One in particular in which Josh had his arms wrapped around your middle, seated around a bonfire. That was a night you remember very clearly. That was when you realized how much you loved Josh. He never left your side and coddled you close to him. The memory warmed your heart making it beat a tiny bit faster.

"That was a very hot summer night if I remember correctly." Josh peered over your shoulder, studying the picture. "Yeah, it was. Then I passed out inside the van right after that," you laughed loudly, tossing your head back. Running a finger over your face in the picture still reminiscing on the sweet memory, you could feel Josh watching you from across the room.

"Can you come up here for a sec?" Josh patted his mattress, motioning to you. You could tell he was nervous still when he started to fumble around with his nails, not making much eye contact. "Do you remember when I asked you why you envied me so much?" He let out a slow breath, nudging you a little bit with his elbow. You realized the change in the situation and started to mirror his nervous tics.

"Yeah, I just- wish I could carry myself like you. You're always the most confident person in the room; you know things Josh that no one could ever know." The two of you sat in silence for a little bit after you answered. Josh hesitated before speaking again but continued on after pondering for a bit. "Well, I never felt that way around you. For the longest time, I would beat myself up just thinking about how wonderful you are Y/N. The way you think of me is how I always thought of you. Just not as confident because of how quiet you are sometimes." He laughed out the last part making you smile back.

"God, sometimes I just want to cry because of how amazing you are Y/N. Everything you've done for this band, everything you've done for me; I just - I love you." You slowly turned your head to look at Josh, replaying the words over and over again in your head.

He loves you.

"I'm going to assume you mean in it in that way Josh or this would be very embarrassing." Josh snickered, putting both hands on the side of your face. "I mean it in every way possible." He finally pressed his lips to yours, feeling the velvet touch of each other. Josh ran his fingers through your hair, pressing his tongue in an open-mouthed kiss. You moaned quietly when he started to press kisses along your jaw, down to your neck. You could feel his hands start to travel down to your waist, hugging you tightly as it showed in the picture.

Josh continued to bite down on your skin and sucked, leaving bright red marks behind. His fingers squeezed down on your hips before traveling under your shirt. He placed a knee between your legs, pushing you further into the mattress. You looked at each other momentarily as Josh slipped you out of your shirt. He ran his hands over your stomach making you flinch at the sudden touch.

"Josh," His name came out as a whine as Josh slipped off your bra, throwing it towards the floor. You caught the look of awe when his eyes landed on your breasts, your chest heaving slightly. He returned to kissing down your neck making his way down your collar bone. Your hands made their way to his hair, tugging at it when his mouth made contact with your nipple.

He sucked gently, swirling his tongue around the hardened bud. All you could think about was the euphoric thoughts running through your brain. All you could see were stars, showing up in random directions making you lost in the feeling. Josh continued for a while before slowly traveling down to your legs.

Josh looked at you for approval, to which you vaguely nodded in return, before pulling off your pants. You shuddered at the delicate touch of his fingers ghosting along your skin. His hands traveled back up your calves, pressing at your thighs. The room suddenly became too hot as his fingers wrapped around the strap of your underwear, pulling them down your legs. Your breathing was so ragged by now that you thought Josh might've pointed it out already, but he continued to stare down at you with the most mesmerizing look in his eyes. You knew at this point if this had been anyone else, you probably would've wanted to hide under the bed. Something so comforting about Josh made it feel natural to in his grasps.

Josh started down at your ankles, pressing hard kisses up your legs. He hovered over your pelvis just before kissing around your clit. Your legs immediately started to close at the feeling, but his hand pushed them back farther. "Josh, oh my god!" You moaned out into nothing. He continued sucking hard on your clit making the stars in your head come closer to earth.

"Josh, please," Your hands pulled at his curls as he lapped around your center. "You're so fucking wet for me Y/N. Jesus," He moaned into your heat making you squirm on the bed.

"Please Josh, use your fingers, please." You whined mercilessly at the thought of coming around his fingers. It wasn't long before you felt two fingers drag inside of you, along with the feeling of him sucking your clit. You could feel yourself getting nearer to your orgasm as he curled his fingers against your g-spot. "Josh, don't fucking stop!"

At the perfect moment, everything seemed to fall apart in the most beautiful way. You leaned your head back into the pillow as your vision turned white with little black dots appearing randomly. Josh's breath fanned over your heat before he stood up to take off some of his clothes.

"Can't really have sex if I'm still dressed like I'm going to fucking prom or something, Jesus." You giggled loudly while you watched him crawl back over you. Josh pressed a soft kiss to your lips, grinding his hips against you. Your hand slowly ran over his chest, grabbing onto his belt. You fumbled around until you managed to get it undone along with his pants. Josh stared at your face, admiring your features. "I don't think I'll be able to take you seriously for much longer if you don't do something," you whispered.

"Oh yeah?" Josh raised an eyebrow, smiling at you. You slowly reached past his briefs making contact with his hard-on, causing him to moan quietly and start kissing you again.

"Uh, I don't think I have any condoms on me; I didn't really envision fucking you tonight." You smirked, wrapping your arms around his neck. "It's okay. I'm on the pill." You pulled his underwear down, hiking your legs around his hips loosely. You could feel yourself getting wetter as he passively rolled his forefinger over your clit. You kissed him hard, sucking on his tongue. "Fuck me, please," you begged. Josh looked deeply into your eyes, then grabbing your legs and wrapping them around his hips, tightly. He teased you, rubbing himself up and down your center.

You exhaled as he entered you, wrapping a hand around his bicep to steady yourself. Josh's head fell into your neck, feeling his warm breath as he trusted in slowly. He lifted his head to kiss you; He used his hand to move the hairs out of your face, wrapping it around your cranium. "You are so- prepossessing." He whispered, his thrust becoming faster.

Your nails dug into his shoulder blades after he set such a brutal pace that you didn't think you'd be able to keep up with. You took note of how his curls stuck to his forehead. Whenever he thrust in, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer. His thrust started to shake the bed only spurring you on more. Your hands grabbed at his torso, holding onto him tightly.

"Josh," you breathed out, words lost as they left your mouth. "Don't stop." Josh looked between your bodies as they pressed together. He thrust in deep, pressing you into the bed further. You cursed under your breath, trying to hold back the moans only releasing small high-pitched whines. Your head fell back against the pillow, all the tension releasing your body slowly. "Fuck," Josh moaned into your collarbone. He tightened his grip on your thigh, quickening his thrusts.

You ran your fingers along the nape of his neck, feeling the little hairs stick to his body. Josh moaned, feeling him cum deep inside you. His head fell into your neck as you both tried to catch your breath. Josh smiled, pressing kisses to your chest before laying down next to you.

"Fuck you're amazing," Josh mumbled into your ear. He wrapped an arm around your shoulder pulling your head to his chest. His hands ran down your arm, squeezing the tiny bit of flesh. "Tell me something I don't already know Joshua." You flipped over onto your side, Josh following in pursuit. He tightened his arm once more around your stomach this time. He pressed small kisses along your shoulder, laying his face into your hair.

"I love you," He mumbled.

"I love you too." You placed your hand over his, peace finding you easy tonight.

-

When you woke up the next morning, Josh still had you in his arms, snoring softly. Like you, he liked to get up when it was still dark out, but given last night you couldn't blame either of yourselves for wanting to sleep in. Josh woke up sometime after, pressing small kisses into the nape of your neck down to your shoulder blades.

"Good morning," he said quietly, wrapping his legs around yours, pulling his body closer to yours.

"Morning Josh." You closed your eyes allowing the quiet of the room to comfort you. It seemed pretty peaceful outside, from what you could hear at least. But your mind was running a thousand miles a minute. How did a three-year friendship change so drastically? If someone told you that three years later you'd be sleeping with Josh, you probably start cursing them out at the bare minimum. Josh infuriated you at the beginning, but what changed that you couldn't get enough? Maybe it was his style? Everyone loves Josh's style. He doesn't really care what goes together, as long as it fits him and his outrageous personality. Speaking of which, Josh's personality was unspoken of. People turned heads when he walked through doors because he was always the life of the party. Normal people just naturally gravitate towards him. Heck, you couldn't even keep up the 'holding a grudge' façade for too long because Josh helped you. Maybe you thanked him for that instead.

"I think we need to get up," you said, patting his hand. He protested that you two keep sleeping longer because it's too early. "Josh it's like," you squinted your eyes towards the clock. "Nine am." You yelled, pushing his arm of you.

You ran into the bathroom to pee before jumping in the shower. After taking some time cleaning yourself and changing into something more comfortable (which ended up being one of Josh's old college sweatshirts because he insisted you looked really good in them) you both left to the studio. Of course, the first one to greet you was your favorite out of the four, Daniel. After he finished talking with Josh, he led the both of you to a back room. It was a large decorated room that you hadn't really been in much. The walls were in stripes of inverted red along with carpet having a velvet touch to it. Plaques labeled the wall with other types of scandalous music art.

Jake and Sam walked in together already arguing about something. "Lookey here," Jake pulled you into a side hug, and Sam passed you a drink. "I thought my smoking habits were bad, but drinking at ten in the morning?" you tutted Sam away from you, taking a seat at a large table. "It helps me think more clearly."

Josh took a seat next to you, placing a hand on your thigh. "Hey, you never showed me the finish drawing for your clothing ideas." You raised your eyebrows and said: "I wonder why." You cocked your head to the side, and Josh frowned at you. Snickering to yourself, you handed him a sketchbook. "These are- really good, Y/N. I forgot you could draw so well." You doodled around the paper of a sketched-out Josh in what would be fashion attire for next year. "One of my many hobbies."

He patted your leg before turning his attention to his twin. Sam waltzed over to your side, a cigarette hanging from his lips. "Is that my brother's sweatshirt?" You glared at him before answering a subtle yes. Sam gasped in a fake manner, holding a hand across his heart.

"Are you two in love with each other finally?" Sam laughed at you giving him a side-eye. "Good. you make Josh happy." Content with that, he left to go sit next to Danny. You played around with the drawing some more, later on, moving to a computer to work there. Everyone left you alone to go play in another room which seems to help numb the background noise. Though, it didn't last long until Josh walked through the door. He strutted over to you, rubbing a hand on your back before sitting down.

"How's it goin' in there?" You closed the laptop, turning your attention towards him. Josh talked about how everything's coming along nicely, and Jake is stubborn about everything or how Sam is always messing up. You hummed, following along. Not that you would ever tell Josh, but sometimes you never would really listen to what he was saying, but you loved to watch his hand movements or the expressions on his face. It added to his character. "I meant to ask you some time ago, but uh- whatever happened to Logan?" Josh immediately froze, looking down to the floor like a scolded puppy.

"I told her I would talk to her later this week." You shook your head, crossing your arms. "What?"

"Nothing; I was just thinking we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me oodling with your brother." Josh laughed at your choice of words, placing his hand softly on yours. "I think it was both us Y/N."

'Well, in my defense Sam is kind of hot now that I think about it." Josh slapped your shoulder. "Mmmm, you're right Sam does have that 'sense' to him." Time seemed to fly by the five of you, constantly arguing, laughing, or just goofing off with each other. It felt good to be back with everybody, and not walking around on eggshells. Sometimes the moment was so pleasant, you never wanted it to end.

-

It was eerily quiet when you walked inside Josh's home. It was nighttime, and the moon was full, shining brightly through the curtains. "Don't you ever wish you could see the stars?" Josh asked randomly.

"Light pollution man," He mumbled out, yeah, heading towards his bedroom. You peeked outside the window one more time, catching a glimpse of the clouds in the sky. Josh had changed into some comfier clothing and slid under the covers. You followed in pursuit, still wearing his old college t-shirt. "Where do you think we'll be in ten years?" The question had taken you by surprise. You knew he had a tendency to think a lot about the future, which was kind of admirable, but you had a hard time figuring out what the future would hold for you.

"That's hard to tell; Not unless I kill you first, but uh, I think we'll still be together, and so will the band. I guess it's just up to the rest of us." Josh hummed at your input. He flipped over on his side to look at you. "I hope we're together forever." Your face started to blush, although you doubt Josh could see, this time you wished he did.

"Me too." Your voice came out with full confidence knowing every ounce of you could never let him go. "Hey, do you think you'd ever let me wear your outfits after this next tour? They're kind of stylish if I say so myself." Josh laughed out loud. "I don't think they'd fit you, honey." You scoffed, pouting.

"Josh, I hate to break it to you but you're not that big." A playful laugh escaped your mouth while you pinched his arm. He pushed you back in return. "I meant your height." He shook his head. You turned around, allowing Josh to trap you in his arms.

"I hope I get to see you in heaven. If there is one." The sound of his voice made you want to cry. It was soft whisper that it felt so delicate at this moment.

"I think if you've seen me then, you will see me forever."

[slashingdisneypasta]

Human!Freddy Krueger x Fem!Reader || Oneshot

Title: What The Fuck Now, Freddy!?

Notes:

This is not inherently romantic, at all. Or sexual. Just... Freddy being a bastard, and you are caught in the crosshairs- and are forever linked with him because of it.

I've been listening to Lizzie, a lot lately- and this is inspired by 'What The Fuck Now, Lizzie!?'

Also- I'm thinking this will have a part 2. Due to the ending not being quite enough. Maybe a part for the court proceedings!

Plot: Many will know the story of that terrible day Krueger essentially snapped- killing his wife, Loretta Krueger. She saw the basement, they say, and he didn't like that. Their daughter saw the whole thing and suffered a traumatic response to seeing the sight of her mother, strangled to death, by her father- and forgot the whole thing.

But if she were to remember something, one day.

She may remember something no one knows about that day, aside from Freddy himself.

She may remember, that someone else was there.

She may remember you.

//

Alternatively- you're being blackmailed by Freddy who found out you, another supposedly Plain Jane in Loretta's 'mothers club', is cheating on your husband and calls you up to help deal with the mess he made. Because who else did he have?

Warnings: Okay lemme see, its basically a potluck of triggers. Hm. Murder, swearing, cheating (You, on your husband. Not with Freddy), getting rid of a body, a child gets traumatised (Obviously, Kathy/Maggie), Freddy himself, mention of the basement and all that entails, reader with a very questionable moral compass. Look, I think if you can watch Freddy's Dead, you're good here.

I'm just heading out the door, to go grocery shopping - or, at least, that's the story I tell my husband. When really I don't do the grocery shop until the day after tomorrow. He never notices... - when the phone rings. By very nearly tripping over my feet in my endeavour to catch it before the ringing stops, I manage pick up the phone with very little injury besides an achy, slightly twisted ankle. "Hi! Hi, sorry, I'm here. Hello?"

Pouting, I sit down at the kitchen table; Rubbing my poor ankle to sooth the pain, which would soon diminish anyway. Still- I'm sorry, ankle. I'll try to chill.

When the voice on the other end reveals who it is who's called the house, I lose all need to be pleasant. Damn. I really need to memorise this goddamn number... so I can not answer it. "Whatcha wearin'?"

"Thank god Harrison didn't answer this, you fuck." I deeply roll my eyes. Thank god Har's out. No, this is not my mister, not the man I was going to meet just now- but its bad, enough. In an entirely different way. Its stupid, blackmailing, son of a... hundred maniacs. "What do you want?"

"What a way to answer the phone, Y/N. Gee, seems like every time I we talk, I'm learning how you really aren't in the right place, are you? Cheating on your poor husband, swearing... These aren't really signs of the perfect suburban house wife, is it?" Gritting my teeth, I keep from lashing out. I've learned, if you stay real quiet, Freddy wont have anything to pull from and will get bored quick. "Why so silent, hm?"

"... " Oh, fuck me. I cant help it. "Wondering where you get off judging me on being 'suburban', actually."

"Anywhere I like, thanks."

Oh... oh. Gross?

He doesn't see the disgust tearing my face into two perfect halves right now, but my silence must be enough as he laughs. The sound is directly into the phone, and harsh on my poor eardrums. Ugh... "Oh for gods sake... What are we? Fourteen years old?? Come on- why'd you call?"

"Uhhhh... " Quickly, midway through that drawn out 'um' sound, Freddy's voice transitions, and gets a whole lot darker. Something deep in his chest dislodging, to make it so. Perhaps, his heart. "Well... you might wanna come and see for yourself."

"Uh, I don't think so. I have somewhere to be right now- "

"Oh well you don't, anymore." And its clear what he isn't saying- or else I'll tell Harrison about Carter and set your life on fire. "Tell your boy toy you're takin' a reign check for the day. I think you'll last. In fact... after you come over here, you might be out of the game for a couple a hours at least- maybe days."

Hold on, hold on Freddy what the fuck- "What!?"

"... Believe it or not, I didn't actually mean for that one."

Moron.

~

Nevertheless, no matter how just... off setting, Freddy is, I had to when he asked. I had to jump when he said so.

Because if not, then he would tear my life apart.

So here I am, about to knock on that big red door he lives behind, wondering what I'm walking into. Where's Loretta? Where's Kathy? How long will the visit be? I told Carter I'd be an hour or two late- any longer and I wont see him at all today. Which would absolutely suck.

Just after my knuckles come down on the wood the first time, a hand comes down on my shoulder and I immediately jump out of my skin... then slowly look around.

There's Freddy, a cheeky grin on his face. It does nothing to set my nerves at ease. "Ugh... Why are you out here?"

"We're going to the backyard. Lets go." Taking me by the shoulders, he marches me around the side of the house, instead of through it for some reason, and into the familiar backyard. I've been here numerous times, as Loretta likes to hold our club meetings here - Barbecue's, tea's... that sort of thing. Just to let the kids play together and so the adults can enjoy some adult conversation. Its a nice yard... but depending on what her horrid husband is about to show me, it may not be considered as such anymore... - , but I'm now starting to develop a sick feeling in my stomach.

Honestly- I don't know much about Freddy at all. Yes, I went to school with him, but that doesn't mean much when he was a freaky loner kid the whole time. I remember he killed the class hamster once- that's about the only splash he ever made in the news pool; But it definitely stuck.

Yes, Loretta cleaned up his image a fair bit since getting married, but now he's blackmailing me, and as far as I know I'm now alone with him.

Suspicious of him suddenly, I slip out of his grip with a dirty look flashed his way. Don't touch me.

He just rolls his eyes, leading me around some hedges.

And then everything stops.

Him, me, the air; The air around me, the breeze, the breath in my throat.

There lays Loretta, on the ground. If I was really really naïve, I could imagine she were sleeping... or passed out, at least, due to the way she's sprawled out. No one would lay down like that willingly.

But... her eyes are open.

For a moment I'm tempted to kneel down; Take a closer look. Find out how, myself. Is she bleeding anywhere that I cant see now? Are her lips turning blue? If I moved some short red hair out of the way- would their be marks on her neck yet?

But then I come to my senses...

And freak. The fuck. O u t.

"What, the fuck, did you do!?" I whip around, looking at Freddy now which entirely new eyes. I mean, before I sure wasn't fond- but now I'm filled with something new, looking at him. Something a lot worse, something that makes me want to run. Run, and hide, and stay there.

And all these, even though he hasn't really changed. He still wears a mischievous smirk, stony blue eyes eating up my reactions... like always. But this time its just so so much worse. "Made some dead weight- now you're gonna help me get rid of it. So!" Finally, though its been only a matter of seconds, he turns his gaze off of me and I'm glad. That gaze is far too heavy. "Ideas?"

Only for a moment am I lost for words, struggling to push anything out. "I... I'm sorry??"

His gaze returns to mine, but this time my eyes are hard as his are dark. "Help. Me. Get rid of her. Fucking. Body. Or do you want your dirty laundry aired for the whole community to hear?"

Before I can help myself, I let out a sharp laugh, only succeeding in making Freddy's scowl deeper. "Freddy- this secret's a lot bigger, then mine. Sure, I might get divorced- but you're going to prison!" Does he get that? He's g o i n g to j a i l. Crossing my arms, I try to avoid looking at my ex-friend's body. I cant. "I'm sure as hell not gonna be in there with you, for being an accomplice."

I really cant look at her... I can only focus on Freddy. And that takes a lot of energy- its taking everything in me, in fact. Everything I have. But I have to. If its him or her, there's no choice.

But... then a creepy smile spreads across his face- a vast polarity to the frustrated glower of before. It makes my blood run cold.

"Ohhhh..." He looks almost ferocious, even in his composed state. Like a monster. Like any moment a fanged, inhuman creature is going to burst out of him and I'm going to wake up, and this will have been a nightmare. A horrible nightmare. The kind where that creature haunts me for a long time, after its over. After this over.

He's going to haunt me.

"You must think this is my first time... " My heart turns to ice, mouth hanging a little open... what the fuck have I found myself a part of!? Suddenly all the children's disappearances on the news lately come to the forefront of my brain... "Sweetheart, give a man his dues. I'm a hard working kinda guy... " I watch his gaze flicker to a door - the back door? No... The basement door, - and when a filthy smirk pulls at his mouth, my heart flies up into my throat. God, it makes me feel sick. I want to be violently ill. "My first was my adoptive Dad... pretty sick, huh?"

The fact that he didn't say anything about the basement, makes my imagination go wild. I swallow it down, though.

I just need to get out of here, and never think about this again.

And to do that I need to help Freddy get rid of this goddamn body- and... probably... testify at court... As the panic starts to finally rise up in my, right up to fill my throat, I immediately take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Okay... " No time to freak out. Now's the time for action.

Gaze flickering to Loretta again, I try to acclimatise to the sight. I think its a lost cause, though. "How did you get rid of him? Your Dad?"

"No, that's not gonna work. He was a drunk dead beat, and I just had to tell the police some guy's he owed money to came over to the house." Freddy grins happily at the memory, but then just as quickly, scowls at his poor deceased wife's body- that certainly cant fight back. I just tack this onto the long list of reasons I hate him. "Lore's such a goddamn goody goody- we cant do the same thing. You don't think I woulda thought of that??"

"Hey." I snap, hands braced on my hips as I flash a glare his way. "This is not the time to get defensive!"

"Whatever... "

Then- suddenly, something occurs to me. Confused, I look around; A deeply horrified feeling disturbing my stomach. "Hold on... Where's your daughter?" Seeing no sign of her anywhere, I definitely start to panic again- especially when I look to Freddy and just see a pert look in his eyes as he looks back at me, a smile that strikes something horrid inside me. My eyes narrow. "You sick fuck- where the fuck is she!??"

"Under the bed."

"What the fuck does that mean!?" I exclaim, frustrated and freaking out. He did not- he did not! Killing your spouse is one thing, but the kid?? Your own kid??

I don't wait around for him to be cryptic some more, and rush right into the house to look for her. Under the bed, under the bed, under the fucking bed...? Which fucking bed!? Forcing ferocity out of my voice, I carefully call out to Kathy. Hoping to god she answers. I try to sound normal. Maybe a little bit cheerful; Excited.

But my voice wobbles.

"Kathy?? Sweetheart, its Y/N! Are you hiding? I have something for you... " ?? You have something for her, Y/N?? God... now you have to figure out some kind of treat.

You know what? Whatever. We'll figure that out later.

Lets just hope we aren't searching for a corpse. I'd definitely be sick, seeing a child... the way Loretta is...

Shaking my head and clenching my fists, I try to focus on Kathy.

I check under the bed in the guest room because it comes into view first and she isn't there, then her bedroom and she isn't there either... and get a sick feeling as soon as I enter the last bedroom. Freddy's and Loretta's.

God, I've never been in here before but its like a museum peace now. A horrible one. Like if you would walk into the Titanic... or the Borden house.

"Kathy? You in here?" Flicking on the light I kneel down on the ground, and check under the bed.

And something immediately crashes over me, as the sight of her covering her eyes down there. It isn't exactly relief, because this whole situation is still phenomenally fucked up for her, but I am selfishly glad to not have to see her body... crumpled, just like her mother.

"Hey sweetheart," My voice quivers slightly now, but I quickly swallow. No. No. Now, you must be strong Y/N. "Its just me. Your Daddy was looking for you, and couldn't find you! It got him worried!"

"I... I don't wanna see Daddy. He hurt Mommy." Kathy doesn't remove her hands from her face, and stays firmly by the wall- too far away for anyone to grab. My heart sinks.

Slowly straightening up again, I try to take that piece of information in. Turning to the doorway, I see Freddy there. he must have followed me. I didn't even notice. Slowly, and quietly ferociously, I say; "She saw?!"

He has the good sense to look embarrassed, even if it is just to make fun of me. "It was spur of the moment... " He shrugs. "I didn't have time to get a babysitter!"

What a fucking excuse. For gods sake.

I'm definitely dealing with a psycho- if that was even a question before now.

Swiftly, I look down under the bed again, because I'm afraid that if I continue to engage with him- I'll scream, and I'll lose my breath, and I'll scare Kathy even more. She's at the forefront of my mind; That's all I can think about.

But what to do with her after I get her out from under this bed, I don't know. I cant give her back to her father... but I cant hand her over to the police either because that would involve telling them about Loretta, and... Freddy will definitely kill me, for that.

This is a nightmare of a situation.

I'm just opening my mouth to say something - what, I don't know yet, - when she speaks, instead. "Is he there?"

"... Yes." I wont lie to her; That would be treating her with not nearly as much respect as she deserves.

When she takes a deep breath and rubs her eyes, as if just trying to keep herself together, my heart clenches. God... and to think I might not have picks up Freddy's call today. I would have been leaving her with this. For the first time today, I'm morbidly glad I came.

She speaks in that loud, hissy way that kids think is a whisper. "Can he... can you please make him go away?"

Immediately I straighten back up and look to Freddy again, my eyebrows raised halfway up my forehead. Like well? "Get out."

"I don't think you're in a position to make demands here, bi- "

"Do you want Kathy to live down there now!??" I snap, trying not to be scared. Not really feeling scared, actually. Just happy to have a reason to tell him to get the hell away from me.

A deep frown creases his mouth, deeply unhappy about the situation, but steps back. I only hear him step out of the way of the door, but its good enough. Quickly, I get up and close the door - fighting with myself not to slam it, - and lock it.

Then I return to the floor, and see this time Kathy has uncovered her eyes. She looks so small, smaller then she actually is, and she looks like she's shaking. Little red bows and piggy tails in her hair are messy from crawling under the bed. "He's gone, sweetheart. And I locked the door."

She just nods, so I take the silence as a chance to offer my hand to her. "Take my hand, sweetie? Come on out from under the bed. Its cold down there, and no one wants you getting sick." I need to upkeep the family friend bit, I need to sound caring and collected. I need her to trust me.

Her big eyes, not Loretta's colour or Freddy's, look nervous as hell. And she shakes her head.

Taking a deep breath, and I conjure all the sincerity as I can. And mean it. My eyes soften and I try really hard, to resent myself as someone trustworthy- which is hard, seeing as I've never really been that. I mean, I'm cheating on my husband. I told Carter today the same lie I told Harrison when i knew I was going to be late. The only person I think who knows the truth behind all my lies is Freddy. That says something about a person, that the only person who knows them is a psychopath.

But I want to, I need to, be good for this little girl. And there's no time for me turn my life around so it has to start with this. How fucked is that?

"... I promise, I'll take care of you. He wont hurt you."

After a few whole minutes, in which I stay silent because yes she's a child, but she's still thinking, she crawls over and takes my hand, letting me lead her out. Crawling into my lap as I cross my legs under her, she buries her face in my shirt- hiding. "You promise?"

Taking a deep breath, because I've really done it now, I offer my pinky for her to see if she turned her head. I know Freddy's listening to all of this through the wall, but I try not to freak out. "Pinky swear?"

"Pinky swear." She peaks out from my shirt, and curls her little finger around mine. Okay... "Y/N... I'm scared."

"Yeah... Me too, sweetie."

What am I going to do?

[thunderheadfred]

🤚The Second Worst (Pt. 1/?)🤚

Part 2 of my Shigaraki Thesis Headcanons. HC's // The Second Worst: 1 - 2

The half-mad ghost of Shimura Tenko is in love with you, and your life is about to become a tragic wreck. -- AKA here's when I gave up on bullet points and went off the fuckin rails

I'm self-conscious about writing so much, so uhhhh, please be kind, hahaaa. This is rather long and involved. Are these still even HCs or just a self-indulgent AU outline? There are some mysteries we may never solve.

This is on AO3 now, if you prefer reading there. Anyway. Minors do not interact.

- - - - -

You met Tenko before the League existed.

Believe it or not, there are a million ways it might have happened, but in the end: you were both bargain-binning in Akihabara.

You reached for a copy of a collectible bullet-hell cute-'em-up (near-mint! CIB!!!) and accidentally bonked hands with a complete stranger. He flinched about five million feet away from you. Ouch. You're just a nobody, quirkless and average, but you didn't think you were THAT repulsive.

(You're not. Hell, even if you were, this guy couldn't care less. He barely registers that you have a face.)

(Shigaraki is accustomed to getting in and out of this shop in seconds. He always comes in before anyone else and goes straight home. -- Is that really home? Is 'home' a real place? -- ANYWAY he's already pirated this shit, god, why does he even care? He doesn't need to be here. Father doesn't like it. Is that why he's here? Just to do something Father doesn't like? That's pathetic.)

He's had at least ten complete internal arguments with himself before he so much as looks at you.

You know in the tenth of a second he actually meets your eyes... this fucker is going to fight you to the death over this game.

- - - The death match ends in a draw. He was not expecting you to know the first fucking thing about this game. Nobody knows about it, even in Japan. Who the fuck do you even think you are? Oh, no, he's still taking it. But... maybe he can show you how to play it it. He'll give you a little taste, just to make you jealous. He's got his hoodie pulled down like he's going to commit an act of terrorism. What little you can see of his face looks twitchy and messed up. If you have any survival instincts at all, they're kicking in right about now. But... why not. You're not going anywhere with this dude unsupervised, so you suggest a crowded web cafe down the street. The cafe has the necessary console... but the retro gaming booth is laughably small. The TV is about four inches across and you end up having to practically sit in his lap. You were sure this guy was a nasty fucking creep, but he's................ only mostly terrible. Way too angry, for sure. Has no idea how to have a normal, friendly conversation. Inadvertently insults you every other sentence and seems to have a deep-seated persecution complex.

You'd prefer to be mad about the awful company, but... he's obviously deprived of human contact. When it's established that you two share a lot of media fixations, he calms down and starts treating you a little more like a human being. Or at least like a fellow elite.

Wherever he came from, he doesn't seem to want to go back. He keeps pushing you to play one more level, pretending he wants to beat your score. You feel kinda bad for him. You get the distinct feeling that his life is a disaster. He looks like he's never had a full night of sleep in his life. He trips your trigger hairs in that 'is he gonna follow me home?' kind of way, but... up close, he's a lot more depressing than scary. At the very least, you want to buy him a stupidly cute dessert. Just... as thanks. For letting you try out the game and stuff. It's not a big deal, so just pick a flavor, okay? The world isn't actually that awful, y'know.

It's not even that impressive... Definitely not a great cafe. But he takes practically a full hour to eat a single slice of strawberry cake.

When the hoodie comes down. He's all shriveled and dried out, like someone left him him in the desert to die. He chews on his peeling bottom lip and nervously scratches his neck. He doesn't thank you for the cake. Which is fine. It's not a big deal. Actually, you wish he would eat faster; you feel weirdly responsible for him now.

Under all that mess he's... gorgeous? His hair is stunning: a bright, gleaming silver that catches the light. His bone structure is flawless. If it weren't for all the scars and the misanthropic slouch, he'd look like a fairy fucking prince.

You were not prepared for that. In another life he could have been a model, the type of guy who would never even look at you. But something bad happened to him. Something... very bad. Do you even want to know? You have no idea how to ask. Has anyone ever been nice to him? It doesn't seem like it. Should YOU be nice to him? You sort of want to try. - - - This becomes a regular thing. This weird little secret. You should probably tell someone when you see him, just in case you don't come back one day, but you say nothing; how the hell would you explain why you want to see him so bad? You don't know his full name. Maybe he's on a watch list. When he gives you a long string of random numbers so you can schedule meet-ups (is THAT his e-mail, really?) he tells you to just... call him Tenko. Or whatever. It doesn't matter. (He sneaks out when Father is deep in his plots. As long as he comes home on time, it doesn't really matter where he goes, right?) He brings a different game every time. He has an insane collection. Where does he get the money for all this? You know he doesn't work. God, is it drugs? It's probably drugs. Wherever these hidden gems came from, he proudly shows them off to you, like he's never had an audience before. It's sort of cringe-inducing, the way he one-ups and rubs every little victory in your face, desperate for attention.

But at the same time, you are becoming too... something...to mind. Do you... like him? He's not funny, but he thinks you are. His mouth is huge when he laughs. He seems to hate everyone but you, and you've had to earn the distinction of being merely tolerable. Still, he gets really excited about random shit like the garage kit black market and haunted dolls and the price of weed on the dark web.

And... strawberry cake. The realization hits you both at the same time when the waitress brings one piece with two forks. God, what the fuck, are you... are you dating? Quick, think. You look forward to seeing him, and don't even mind sitting close to him anymore. Sometimes you push your leg up against him just to see if he'll still flinch away... and he doesn't.

You jealously notice the way he touches everything but you: with delicate precision, one finger at a time. His large, elegant hands always have a pinky up like he's aspiring for a fiefdom, and you wonder what his skin feels like. You go home and dwell on the way he plucks flowering weeds out of the pavement in front of the cafe. The way he stands rooted to the spot as you leave, just... looking at nothing, unsmiling.

You watch his lips too much, and not just because you want to buy him chapstick. You catch him gaping at you all the time. You thought he was just creepy like that, but maybe... Yeah. I guess you are dating him. Shit. - - - Okay, so, yeah. Bringing him back to your place was definitely a bad idea. You know you shouldn't trust him, even if he is... apparently... your boyfriend? Sort of? You still don't have his phone number. So. Um. What now? You order overpriced pizza and queue up a campy horror movie. What the fuck are you even doing. You don't really think he's going to murder you anymore, but... still. Is the suburban massacre scene gonna give him ideas? Turns out, no. He doesn't like gore, even when the blood is neon pink. He gets upset. Like, really upset. Shaky and green, like he might puke on you. He can't stop scratching that scaly spot on his neck.

Tenko, are you crying? Fucking hell, did you just trigger him? Of course he has a traumatic past, it's carved all over his face. You're so fucking stupid. You don't know how to make it right. You want to hug him, kiss him... anything. But he's never really touched you, and you're too afraid to push now. It ruins the whole night. He leaves without explaining anything. Doesn't even say goodbye. He just. Leaves. Maybe you'll never see him again. Maybe that's for the best. Your chest hurts. - - - He shows up at your door a few weeks later. You haven't heard from him since that disastrous movie night. You had pretty much accepted that you'd broken up with a boyfriend you never actually had. But no. Apparently not.

This time, he’s brought his own entertainment. He's holding a boxed set of some show you're not familiar with. You're distracted by these weird little half-gloves he's wearing, like a cyberpunk hacker. That's a new look, and even if it's a bit edgelord adjacent, he makes it look cool. You tell him as much. It's the first time you've let on how attractive you find him. He's wearing a tight black shirt with a deep, deep V-neck. That's distracting too.

He clears his slender throat and doesn't look at you.

You try to apologize for before, but he's acting like it never happened. What are you even talking about? Have you seen this OVA or not? Get out of the way and let him in already. You've watched three episodes now, but you still have no idea what this stupid anime is about. You can't pay attention to a single frame. All you can think about is how his arm has crept up behind your shoulders. A few inches more and he'll be holding you. Does he... want to hold you? You lean toward him so slowly your spine creaks. One molecule at a time. After a thousand years, your head slides nervously under his chin. His arm comes down, locking you in, fingers clutching your sleeve in a death grip. Even that snobby little pinky. His head tucks down into you hair. A sharp collarbone bites into your cheek. His heartbeat is hard, fast, and irregular. There's not a scrap of fat on him, and as you wrap your arm around his stomach, you think you see a twitch in his pants. Is that just you being desperate? Or... hopeful? This is really happening. --- Soon, you learn that Tenko is a clumsy kisser. It doesn't matter; the fact that he's kissing you at all is good enough for now. His lips are dry, but not half as dry as you expected. There's a slick of menthol helping things along; he's been using something medicated on his lips. Plus, his mouth tastes like he drank a gallon of mouthwash.

All this thrills you more than a little, because it means he came here wanting to impress you. Wanting you. Full stop. Underneath that minty sting is a strange, worrisome aftertaste, like something rotten. Your brain fires off an alarm. Stop kissing him. Right now. This thing will make you sick. But his hands nervously slide over your body... and you decide not to worry about it. Instead, you kiss him deeper. He makes a sweet, startled little noise. Your brain is a fucking liar. It occurs to you he's probably never done this before.

When you lace your fingers in his and try to pull one of his gloves off, he rips his hand away.

Don't. That’s the only explanation he gives.

No need to ask if it's a quirk thing or a trauma thing. Judging by how jittery he gets, it's probably both. You remember the way his hands almost float over objects without ever holding them. Maybe his touch is dangerous. Maybe that's why his face looks like that.

Maybe you should learn more about him before things go way too far...

No. It can't be that bad. Now that he's in your arms, everything frightening about him evaporates. He's vulnerable. He's alone. He's shaking a little. Has anyone else ever seen this side of him? You want to keep him all to yourself, just like this.

So what if he has to touch you with gloves on? You've heard of worse quirk-related inconveniences.

It's okay, Tenko. Do you want to keep going?

You put his hands back on you and wait for him to kiss you again. It doesn't take long.

---

You open his pants. He's long and thin, calloused even here. Every part of him feels untouched, unloved. You hold him tight and squeeze.

It doesn't seem to occur to him to please you in return. He looks afraid. Confused. You're sure you scared him earlier with the glove thing. Is this too much? No. He gasps and leans into you. The tiniest, broken please.

He cums in your hand right away, face buried in your shoulder, his eyes wet and hidden.

I have to go, he says. Over and over and over.

It's okay, Tenko.

You know he doesn't want to.

- - - - - (oops I wrote more)