#and partially that really helps my memory for songs! they all come with strong associations! self-creating mnemonics!

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: December 6

"Your Body Is A Weapon" by the Wombats

[thevoilinauttheory]

The Great Eight

[ In lieu of the Rising event ending tomorrow - and myself, just now finishing it - I had some words I wanted to get out.

I get this type of nostalgia - it hurts, it physically hurts my chest; I feel sick to my stomach, and I just want to cry. I’ve asked others if they ever feel this way, but I’ve never gotten a yes to it.

The Rising always gives me this feeling. It’s be eight years since I first picked up XIV. Eight whole years. That’s a slap to the face, it’s been so long and it feels so short. I wish I could give people the same experiences and feeling I had for this game - the pain and happiness this nostalgia brings me. When I say this game means so much to me, it’s not an exaggeration. This game changed my life - I wish to share it a little bit with you. I touched on some of it in the past, but here I’m laying it all out. ]

[ I first started playing in 2013, when a friend recommended the game to me shortly after the game’s rerelease. They were ecstatic to have another player join them, and I owe them a lot for the experiences they gave me. My very first character was Raramlah Ramlah - she was a paladin, because that’s what I mained in WoW. I realized shortly that a tank probably wasn’t the best way to go, but also that my computer at the time couldn’t handle playing it, due to the graphics.

I gave it another shot in 2014, that’s when I made Danny Harold. He was the first character I ever got to level 50. I absolutely loved the game, when I wasn’t sitting idly for my friends to come online as I had with Raramlah; when I picked it up of my own accord. I remember I was in the hospital when I first picked it back up, when I first made him and leveled him through Gridania. But I was still going intermittedly between it and WoW. I missed the first Rising due to ignorance.

2015 comes around, and I’m in a stressful place. I just started a new job, and I’m finally able to live on my own with little issues from my disabilites. However, my apartment complex didn’t have internet, and so I’d take my laptop to Starbucks and sit there until they closed playing WoW instead. I wanted to spend what little time I had on the internet with the friends I already had grown close to.  Year 2 went on without me. But it still wasn’t all bad. Near the end of 2015, Maximiloix Voilinaut was created - and when I started up my XIV tumblr account under “ishgardianscholar”. See, I had made it to Heavensward on Danny when I found out that someone I had met through a friend was starting up a new character for the purpose of RP. I thought to myself “I want an Ishgardian character” - and rolled a new one. It was a new adventure, a clean slate, with a couple of friends I knew from WoW to join me.

Here comes 2016... and WoW had let me down. My disabilites came back full force, and I was left bed bound and reliant on partial disability from my workplace while waiting for SSDI to start kicking into effect. My roommates did little to help take care of the house we were renting, lied to me about their incomes, and forced me to use what little money I was getting to pay for everything myself. I’m short a total of 2000$ because of it. But. But. That was the best year of my fucking life. It ruined me, that year ruined my life, but it was the happiest I had ever been. Lothaire Voilinaut was first conceived and Maximiloix became my pride and joy as a character, I found the class I wanted to keep playing - I made friends, so many of them! So, so many of them! And I loved them, and I still do! I miss them terribly. If I could relive one year of my life... it would be that year. What I would give just to feel that way again - because I had never felt it since. I didn’t realize until Year 3′s Rising came around, how nostalgic just the few short times and experiences were to me. Because I was met with two things... the first song that truly captured me in Final Fantasy games (Prelude), and the first song I ever heard in the game itself (A New Hope). I cried there. Music has always hit me so hard, and I never realized just how much this game meant to me until then. This was how I knew I would stay - that XIV had my heart for good.

2017, during the release of Stormblood, I went homeless. I had wanted so badly to see my first expansion release - and only witnessed second hand “Raubahn EX”. My friends moved on without me, and I was left alone again to start playing. But I told myself already. XIV had my heart, there was no reason to go back to WoW. So I didn’t. I didn’t, and I don’t regret it. This is when I truly started playing Lothaire fully - and when I met my spouse, he became my main. I made it to Year 4, and cried just as much.

2018 - with the loss of friends, did I find new ones. It wasn’t the best time of my life, but I wouldn’t trade the memories for a thing. Year 5 came and went faster than I could blink, but that was it. I heard the music, I remembered my first Rising, I remembered all the times I had before. And I cried.

2019 started off rough. I moved across the country and had a hard time finding a place to live. I got it down, started a new job... and made it to the release of Shadowbringers. I had grown so much since I first started - and the expansion release was everything I wanted it to be, regardless of the issues that came with it (though I’ve been told that it was a far smoother release than the others). I was so excited... and I was not let down. XIV upheld its standards and presented to me a game worthy of pushing onto my friends no matter how annoyed they got with me about it (looking at you @rose-color-boy). Everything about it was a pure masterpiece, people think I’m exaggerating. But this game had done so much for me, that finally, now, I got to witness something I always wanted to. Sure, I didn’t have many friends to start the expansion with... but the story captivated me immediately. Year 6... and I cried.

2020. There wasn’t much to say about it, I was stuck inside all year and I hit a bad patch during the end of it, but... Year 7. It hit me like a truck. It gave me goosebumps, it gave me laughs, and ultimately, it gave me tears. I actually sobbed, this time. Remembering everything I gone through hurt me so badly, the nostalgia was coming in hard. But I knew, in the end, this game would always be here for me. This game had wormed its way into my heart accidentally, and yet I feel like I couldn’t live without it.

This year. Perhaps it didn’t hit me as hard - I still cried. This game means so much to me. So, so much. It hurts, it really and physically hurts how much it means to me. This game made everything in my stressful life so much easier, littered the pain with good memories. I can recall bad places I was in, and associate it with something good that happened to me in the game. 2020 - I got knee surgery... but 5.3 had just released and holy shit. My spouse got a little annoyed at me that the only thing I was listening to was the theme of that last battle (To the Edge). It helped me get through it, the pain and the misery I felt from not being able to walk. 2019 - Work was driving my depression in deep, and I didn’t want to live and continue the pain I was feeling... but I got to the end of 5.0 and only wanted more. I wanted to know what happened next. I still remember that one cutscene, how they got me attached to a minor character so quickly and ripped her away just as fast; and the first dungeon? Experiencing the Trust System, and going through this intense battle on a grand scale with the help of the friends they kept on the sidelines for so long. 2018 - My life was monotonous and I had three other people living with me in my one-bedroom apartment. One of my roommate’s ex’s was now stalking him around my apartment, and work was becoming physically taxing on my legs. But I remember how much fun I had doing maps - and the release of the Tsukuyomi fight? That whole scene there? Oh, wow, it was so bittersweet. The fight was beautiful, the music was haunting, everything about it. Not to mention the ending solo-instances and Ghymlit? The Burn? Omega? The Four Lords? As much as I disliked them (due to my computer issues), even Rabanastre was memorable. 2017 - I was homeless, forced to work a job my body couldn’t handle. I met my spouse, though. I became heavily invested with my tumblr account, doing a full re-write of it all. While I wasn’t much of a fan of the expansion itself, there were some places that really opened my eyes. Azim Steppes? So beautiful - and gotta hand Y’shtola the award for sickest burn. Then I heard my favorite piece of music, and the most nostalgic for me when it comes to SB, Skalla’s theme (Far From Home). 

Lastly, I know this has been long. But I thank everyone around me for being so supportive and kind - I may not be in a good place, but know that every good thing that happens will be associated to this moment. I’ll look back on Year 8 and go “my security was compromised, and my anxiety ran high, but there were these people here who supported me on tumblr, that kept my blog running strong”. I will remember my roleplays, I will remember the music and scenery - even now, I’m getting nostalgic about Shadowbringers, and Endwalker hasn’t even come out yet! So thank you. Here’s to year number 8 - 8 whole years of XIV being in my life. It may not have been that long for many of you, some of you, this might be your first year; hell! Some of you, it’s been longer! But know that this community has helped me so much, and I can’t wait to continue being a part of it. Here’s to the eventual tears Year 9 will bring me! ]

[moldisgoodforyou]

give a little: chapter one (jj maybank x oc)

MASTERLIST

not my gif! from @rudypankows​

pairing: jj maybank x oc

synopsis: charlotte “charlie” walker is a rising senior at the university of south carolina, an exercise science major, a kappa, and is back in the outer banks for the summer. she’s stubborn as hell, isn’t rich enough to be a kook or poor enough to be a pogue, and is used to being in the background. she and jj both go to USC, her sorority and his frat (beta) running in the same social circles but the two rarely speak at school. things change when they run into each other at the boneyard in the summer.

warnings: drinking, swearing, mentions of sex, all characters are 21+

wordcount: 1.7k

___________________________________________________

It was the first party of the summer after Charlotte Walker returned home from her junior year at the University of South Carolina. Her internship plans didn’t work out so she resorted to working at her family’s ice cream shop at home, back in the Outer Banks, and feeling a little too reminiscent of high school. At least she still had her group of friends from home. 

She was halfway to drunk, just in the mood for dancing tonight. It had been what felt like the longest week ever at work and all she wanted to do was hang out with her girls, ignoring advances from a couple Tourons. 

Just as her favorite Lizzo song came on and she started dancing around with a grin, pointing and singing with her friends at the top of her lungs, she felt a strong arm thrown around her shoulders. She was two seconds away from shrugging the arm off and telling the guy to fuck off when she looked up, confusion crossing her face. 

JJ Maybank, of all people, started singing along with her. He had a half-grimace, half-smile plastered on his face. They had both ended up at USC together, opting to get out of North Carolina and go for the SEC party scene. The two were casual acquaintances at best, their sorority and fraternity often sharing date parties, but they ran in different circles.

Charlotte’s best friend, Grace, shot her a questioning glance, the universal ‘do-you-need-help’ look among girls, but she just shrugged in response. “Maybank?” Charlotte questioned, taking his hand and trying to remove his arm.

He smiled wider at the nickname, keeping her hand in his and lifting it, twirling her. “Hi Charlotte -” 

“Charlie,” she quickly corrected. “No one calls me Charlotte but my parents.”

“Right. Charlie. Just go with it,” he whispered near her ear before kissing her cheek chastely, his eyes trained on someone in the distance. She was so surprised that she flinched, making him chuckle. 

“You’re helping me out here, Charlie, I’m not gonna hurt you.” He laughed, continuing to dance with her. Still confused, but not sober enough to question it, she just smiled and kept dancing with him, one hand still in his. She downed the rest of her beer with a slight grimace and he raised his eyebrows, impressed. 

“I didn’t think you drank anything but Beta’s jungle juice,” he teased. 

“I haven’t had that shit since freshman year,” she retorted. 

He laughed. “Oh, but that’s not what it looked like at the Bama tailgate.” 

“That was....a special circumstance.” She relented, shaking her head. 

He just laughed again. “Uh-huh. Come on, let’s get more for you to drink,” he said, keeping her hand in his and pulling her through the crowd to his friends to grab her another beer out of the cooler. 

JJ tugged on Charlotte’s hand to pull her down to sit in their circle. The Pogues nodded and smiled at her in acknowledgment before continuing their conversation, knowing JJ’s scheme. He put his arm around her shoulders again, using his free hand to play with the ends of her sunkissed brown hair. 

“Maybank, what exactly am I helping you with?” She asked, leaning into him slightly.

He glanced back and forth at the crowd of partygoers quickly before returning his attention to her. “Uh...hold on, I’ll tell you in a second.” He continued playing with her hair and she almost closed her eyes, relishing the feeling until he abruptly stopped and dropped his arm from her shoulder. He grinned finally and sighed in relief, looking out into the crowd and nodding out in that direction. 

Charlie followed his gaze and laughed when she saw a Touron huff in disappointment, storming off with her friends after his blatant rejection.

“Sorry, Charlie, I needed assistance and you were the first girl I knew.” He offered in a half-ass apology. “But you didn’t seem to mind, did you?” He grinned lazily, tugging lightly on the end of her hair.

“Shut up,” she responded, blushing and bringing her hands to her cheeks to hide it.

He caught one of her hands in his before she could cover her face. “Don’t. It’s cute.” 

Maybe it was a sudden burst of confidence, maybe it was the liquid courage (on second thought, it was definitely the alcohol). “Maybank, you’re not really going to start flirting with me after you’ve never given me a second thought before, are you?” She asked dryly, raising her eyebrows.

He raised his back, considering the question for a beat before responding. “Seems like I’ve been missing out,” he offered with a grin. 

She blushed again. “JJ -” 

“Oh, so you do know my first name!” He teased, shoving her shoulder slightly.

 She rolled her eyes. “Of course I do, we’ve gone to school together since we were five.” 

“You don’t act like it, avoiding me at all our date parties.” He countered. 

“Maybe I don’t want to associate with you.” 

A flash of hurt came over him before the smile halfway returned to his face. “You don’t mean that.” 

Her alcohol-induced haze failed to help her pick up on his hurt. “You have a reputation, Maybank, I don’t want people to think I’m just another one of your conquests.” 

“I’m not that bad!” He cried out in protest, running a hand through his hair sheepishly. He at least had the decency to look a little embarrassed. 

“You are that bad,” Charlie scoffed. “We have a list pinned up in the Kappa house of boys that’ll break your heart, and you’re on top, underlined and highlighted.” 

As the party dwindled, the rest of the Pogues had been halfway paying attention to the conversation by them, but Kiara finally spoke up at the mention of The List. She wrinkled her nose. “Oh my god, JJ, you said you weren’t that bad in college.”

“What can I say, the ladies love me,” he shrugged with a shit-eating grin, earning a groan from his friends before Charlie smacked his chest with the back of her hand, rolling her eyes.

“See? A reputation,” Charlie repeated. 

“Okay, okay, I surrender,” he joked, putting his hands up in defense.  

“Alright, well, looks like I helped you enough, so I’m gonna get back to my friends.” Charlie glanced around for them and stood, immediately stumbling, her low tolerance betraying her.

JJ laughed and stood to catch her, his arm easily wrapping around her waist.

She pulled his arm off of her, shaking her head. “I can walk! I’m like, totally sober. I don’t need help.”

He raised his eyebrows, gesturing his arm in front of him. “Go ahead, prove it.” 

Stubborn as ever, she took about five steps away from the group before tripping over a root buried in the sand. Kiara shot JJ a glare just before he made a sly remark and he stifled a laugh, going to help Charlie up. “Come on then, I’ve got you.” He took her hand and helped her up, wrapping his arm securely around her waist again and ignoring a whine from her. She pulled out her phone and saw multiple messages from her friend Grace that she hadn’t seen. 

Grace: are u coming?  

Grace: do u need rescuing? 

Grace: why are u with JJ anyway i thought you already went through ur rebound phase

Grace: ok I have to go but i’m tracking u on find my friends, call if u need me

JJ glanced down at the screen and scanned it quickly, then looked away, pretending not to have read the messages - especially the third one. Charlie sighed and looked up at JJ, putting on a serious expression. 

“Maybank?”

“Yeah, Charlie?” He held his breath, bracing for another insult.

“I don’t think I can drive.” 

His shoulders relaxed and he chuckled, fishing her car keys out from her back pocket. “Probably not. Come on, pretty girl, I’ll drive you.” 

She wrinkled her nose at the nickname, but relented, walking with him. “I’m not your girl.” 

“I didn’t say you were,” he smirked. “Was that a Freudian slip, Charlie?” He tried in an attempt to impress her, alluding to their English 101 class together freshman year.

She shook her head. “Nice try, Maybank, it’s not.” 

The two made their way to her car and he gently helped Charlie into the passenger seat, careful of his hands as he buckled her in. “Do you know how to get me home?” She asked, reaching over and tugging on his seatbelt once he got in.

“I do, I remember the party at your house for high school graduation.”

She smiled at the memory. Where she lived, she wasn’t quite a Pogue, but wasn’t quite a Kook - just in between enough to blend in. “I had my first kiss that night.”

JJ laughed in surprise. “You had your first kiss when you were 18? That late?” 

Charlie rolled her eyes. “Not all of us made it our mission to get around with the entire high school.”

He pretended to gasp, clutching his heart dramatically. “Damn, Charlie, shot after shot to the heart.” He pulled into her driveway, then ran around to help her out of the car before she could get out on her own, placing her car keys in her hand. “I got you, don’t fall,” he said, being extremely careful of his hand placement around her waist again. By that point, she had partially sobered up, but she didn’t mind his touch. 

“Oh, fuck me,” she muttered, seeing the light on in her parents’ room. 

“Charlie, that’s rather forward of you.” JJ smirked, wanting to see her blush again.

“Fuck off.” She blushed deeply and JJ grinned, poking her cheek. She flinched away but laughed anyway. “I need to go, I’m sure my parents are gonna be mad at me, I was supposed to babysit my brother tonight, not sneak out and get drunk.”

JJ nodded. “Alright, good night Charlie. I’ll see you around.” He leaned in slightly, like he was about to kiss her, then changed his mind at the last second.

She realized her eyes had almost fluttered shut in anticipation, then shook her head, taking a large step away from him. “See you around, JJ,” she replied over her shoulder before going inside.  

She shut the door behind her and leaned up against it, smiling to herself. Maybe JJ Maybank wasn’t all that bad. 

[raybansandcoffee]

A New Life in New York: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Michael Buble)

Okay so this was supposed to be finished two days ago but I’ve been on the struggle bus. 

Here it is, a little bit of Christmas, only a day late. 

Harry: December 24, 2020

“Did you finally get them to sleep?” I asked as Janie walked into our bedroom shutting the doors. She walked directly to the bed and fell backwards onto it.

“Yes. Five stories and three songs later. Which by the way, I hate you.”

“Why?” 

“Because our children critique my singing. ‘You’re not as good as Daddy.’ Fuck. You.” I had to laugh. Normally if the kids wanted songs at bedtime Janie put me in charge. Stories, it was her. She’d either read something to them or turned some ridiculous story of her childhood or years on the road into some magical story. She was brilliant, however the children all preferred my bedtime songs.

“Are you going to get up off the bed?” 

“Do I have to?” Janie whined.

“You do. We have about four million toys downstairs to put together before the three tiny humans arise in the morning.”

“Ugh. Why? Every year I say I’m not buying shit that needs to be assembled and every year I buy shit that needs a ton of assembly and usually comes with directions in Japanese.” I laughed at her a bit. She liked to be dramatic.

“It’s always been like it is downstairs?” I pulled her up off of the bed and wrapped my arms around her. She’d been keeping the door to her office on the first floor locked for weeks as she hid toys and packages. You’d think Amazon had set up a distribution center in there.

“I guess. Christmas was Greyson’s favorite holiday. He went crazy every year.” She smiled this special smile that I loved. One she reserved for when she was thinking about Greyson. It was one of my top five favorite smiles of hers. 

Smile #1 was the smile she reserved for me when we were alone. Smile #2 was the smile she used when she looked at me in public, usually referencing something I’d done for her or our family. Then there was #3, the smile she got when one of our kids did something cute, crazy, funny, or really anything. #4 was the smile associated with her writing; finishing a new piece, getting great feedback from her editor or a reader, or seeing a link to her new article tweeted by someone she respected. #5 was the Greyson smile. 

“Let’s go downstairs and start putting toys together and you can tell me all about it.” She stood on her tiptoes, kissed me, and started out the door. It was almost as if she was skipping down the stairs to the first floor. She unlocked the doors to her office and flung them open. It was the first I’d seen behind the doors in nearly a week. “Alexa, play Janie’s Christmas Favorites.”

“Playing Janie’s Christmas Favorites on Apple Music,” replied the little white device that sat on her desk.

“Did you rob a department store or Amazon maybe?”

“I may have bought everything that looked exciting to me. I couldn’t resist. This is our first Christmas all together.” There was smile number two. Every major milestone or holiday we’d experienced since January was something she went overboard on. She was having so much fun enjoying all of our firsts. The first day of school for all of the kids where we walked them together. Her first Mother’s Day as part of Harper’s life; which had been an emotional moment for me as it was the first time Harper got to experience a Mother’s Day with someone other than my own. My first Father’s Day, the kids went overboard with breakfast in bed and all of the very Dad-like things. We hadn’t gotten to the point that the kids were all calling us Mom and Dad at that point, they are now, which had both of us excited for our first Christmas as our not-so-little little family. I should’ve expected that Christmas would be even more than everything else. “Okay, so part of my tradition is that I drink while I put together Christmas presents.”

“What would you like tonight?” I asked. “Wine? We’ve got a few bottles of your favorite.”

“Jameson on the rocks,” she said. “It’s tradition.” Smile #5 told me that this was an old tradition and I’d probably be getting a story or two tonight. 

“I’ll be right back then.” I went into the kitchen, filled an ice bucket and grabbed the bottle of Jameson she kept in there. Most of our alcohol was upstairs in the bar area but there was a wine fridge in the kitchen and always a bottle of Jameson. After grabbing two glasses I headed back to the office where she was dancing to an NSYNC Christmas song and organizing gifts. I filled two glasses with ice and Jameson before handing her one.

“Are you drinking Jameson with me tonight?” I nodded.

“You said it was tradition. I’m not one for breaking traditions.”

“It is a tradition. One that from my understanding is roughly 21 years old at this point.” I settled in with a pile of gifts and got ready to put the presents together and wrap them. “Lilibet’s first Christmas, Greyson was so excited to have a baby that he went to FAO Schwartz and pretty much bought everything. He got home and had a wife who was less than enthused about having to wrap presents and put together toys because of course being as busy as he was, he did all of this shopping on Christmas Eve. He never really got any better about shopping last minute, though the invention of Amazon and having someone like me who started building the lists of what we would need for Christmas in July made him a little bit better. But still without fail we would wait until the kids got to bed on Christmas Eve and start the building and wrapping.”

“Kids?” I asked knowing that when Greyson was still alive they only had one child.

“Oh, his kids would all spend Christmas Eve Day with Amelia and her family and show up in time for cookies and cocoa at bedtime so they’d wake up with Greyson on Christmas morning. Amelia’s family tradition was always Christmas Eve so when they got divorced she requested Christmas Eve, partially knowing that for Greyson, Christmas was his favorite day of the year.”

“That’s an understatement,” Rebecca said. I looked up to see Janie’s three stepchildren walking across our apartment towards us. Janie jumped up off the floor to hug the three of them. 

“I didn’t realize you three were coming over tonight.” Janie hadn’t really filled me in on the plan. Just that she’d be up to make breakfast in the morning and her family would all appear in time for lunch and it would go late into the evening.

“Of course we are,” Elizabeth said. “A) I live here.” I laughed at how much of a smartass she was, she clearly picked that habit up from Janie because every time I’d met Amelia she seemed very warm and inviting but also like she was very proper. “B) Mom’s house will be boring tomorrow and she won’t even be there. She leaves for the Caribbean tomorrow morning with Martin for vacation.” The way that Elizabeth said his name told exactly how not only she, but all of the kids felt about their stepfather. I felt lucky that they decided they liked me because despite Amelia and Martin having been together for several years they’d never taken to him. I’d only met Martin a few times but based on what the kids said I could understand. “C) There are tiny kids here. Tiny kids are the reason that Christmas is the best day ever.”

“She’s very much her father’s child. So I have everything ready for your cookies and cocoa or if you all promise not to breathe a word to Amelia of this, you can have wine or Jameson with us.” I watched as Janie eyed the youngest of her step-children, the only one not of age to drink. 

“Are you kidding? Mom let me start drinking at holidays when I was a freshman in college because I was legal to do it where I lived most of the year.”

“Because England is amazing,” I said. Becks bent down to high five me. We had bonded really quickly because I was able to help her get some contacts in London and when she’d had an issue this fall with her flat I’d told her to move into my house. It sat empty most of the time so it was actually nice to know that someone was keeping watch of it. I told her she could live rent free as long as she kept watch of the house, didn’t throw any super wild parties, didn’t sell my belongings ob eBay, or let her college friends into my room or office, or crash any of my cars. Mainly it was to be hard on her. I was close with Elizabeth because she lived with us but Becks was most like me. I’d had a few occasions where I had to go home for work without Janie, even a few times without Harper because of school, and Becks and I had gotten a chance to bond during those visits. 

“I’m a sophomore in college. If you don’t think I drink, you’re crazy,” Jameson said. 

“Alright kids, pick your poison. But know, your father would tell you on Christmas Eve there are no options, there is only Jameson.”

“He would say that,” Elizabeth said smiling. She quickly headed out of the room, grabbed three glasses from the kitchen and came back pouring a glass of Jameson on the rocks for each of her siblings. Janie stood up, refilled her glass and topped mine off. 

“So as a kid, my parents always said this toast as they had a drink on Christmas Eve. May you be blessed with the spirit of the season, which is peace. The gladness of the season, which is hope. And the heart of the season, which is love. Slainte.” We each clinked glasses and took a drink. “As I grew older and I became part of the press pool this is one I learned and someone told me that they swore it was the toast Joe Biden used, I don’t believe them but I love it nonetheless. To all the days here and after - may they be filled with fond memories, happiness and laughter.” Another clink of the glasses and sip before I watched Janie take a deep breath. “And finally, the toast your father always gave. May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.” I watched as the kids all started laughing. 

“Cheers!” They all said before taking one more drink.

“Dad was always such a smartass,” Elizabeth said. 

“He lived to make my life uncomfortable,” Janie added. “The first Christmas he spent with my family. Oh god.”

“I remember that!” Jameson exclaimed as he started to laugh. “Didn’t he show up late?”

“Yes. I’d told him I was going out to my parents early to help Mom with dinner on Christmas Eve. We were hosting everyone the next day and since we didn’t have you kids I wanted to help my Mom and spend the day with my sisters like I always did growing up. He was a half hour late. I was so embarrassed. We had only been dating a short period of time and at Christmas he was meeting a lot of my family for the first time. He was twice my age. My father wasn’t quite sure how he felt about him yet and showing up late to Christmas Eve dinner had my Dad convinced that your father wasn’t going to last. He also then out of nerves proceeded to drink too much and I spent all mass trying to keep him from passing out on me.” The kids laughed imagining their Dad in this state. “When we went to leave that night to get home for your Mom to drop you off my parents both lectured me. It was a nightmare. They both expected that they were going to come over for Christmas morning with their daughter and her new boyfriend and his kids and find your father still drunk. Your Dad was perfect in the morning and on his best behavior all day. By the end of Christmas Day my parents both changed their opinion of him. Thank god they did.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“He proposed to her on Christmas night as we were all unwrapping presents,” Becks answered.

“It’s why he’d been late the day before. He got stuck in traffic leaving the Tiffany store with my ring. He’d been planning on doing it Christmas Eve, which was the drinking to calm the nerves. But I’m glad he waited.”

“Me too,” Elizabeth said. “We all got to be with you then. If he’d done it Christmas Eve it wouldn’t have been quite the celebration.”

“I know. Plus it landed on Christmas Day which was your Dad’s favorite.” She looked like she might cry remembering it. I knew that it was a memory she cherished. We’d talked about it a little, she’d told me the basics of how he proposed but not the details. She’d always said she never wanted me to feel like I had to compete with Greyson. He was a grand gesture kind of guy as she explained it. Everything was over-the-top. There was never anything small in his book. She’d told me that he grew up in a small apartment with his parents in Brooklyn. His Dad worked two jobs to make ends meet and his Mom worked in the cafeteria at the school he went to. He’d studied hard to be able to get a scholarship to college and was self-made, which was incredibly impressive considering how successful he was before his death and the fact that his five children would never experience college debt and truthfully wouldn’t have to work a day in their lives if they didn’t want to.

I had learned that I was different from Greyson in a lot of ways. I liked to do little things for her and she told me how much she loved that. That somedays she’d come home from running the kids to school and I’d have breakfast made. I’d bring flowers home for her every time it was my turn to run to the grocery store. That sometimes I’d take the kids to the park on a Saturday morning so that she could get a massage and pedicure that I’d scheduled without telling her. When she was gone in summer for the Democratic and Republican National Conventions working I’d called to get her hotel rooms upgraded, had flowers waiting in each of the rooms and when she’d get home on Friday I’d have a massage scheduled and dinner reservations so that we could have a quiet night together. I’d done this anytime she’d traveled for work which had been a lot lately with the election having been last month. 

Listening to Janie and the kids tell stories about Greyson was really enjoyable. They laughed at the memories they had of him. Little by little over the almost year we’d been together Janie would open up about Greyson. When she finally got comfortable telling me about his death she planned a night where Elizabeth was gone, my Mom had all three of the kids and she had a lot of Kleenex and even more liquid courage. It was hard for her to relive. It broke my heart to watch her go through the emotions of retelling what his death and the time shortly after it was like. She went from having a dream life with a baby on the way to her whole world crashing around her. Knowing how far she’d come had me so proud of who she was now. Despite not knowing her them, I knew her now and knew how strong she was. 

“Okay kiddos, time for bed. Your younger siblings will be waking us all up in a few hours to see what Santa delivered,” Janie said. We’d moved all of the presents around the giant Christmas tree in the living room. Getting the Christmas tree up here had been a task. Janie picked the tallest tree I’d ever seen outside of a department store and we lugged it through the building and in the elevator but she claimed it was perfect. After hugs from all three of the kids and we watched the girls take off for Elizabeth’s room, which was now in Nellie’s old room, and Jameson taking off upstairs to Elizabeth’s old room which we’d converted to a guest bedroom that he stayed in when he was with us. Janie stood staring at the tree, I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. 

“What are you looking at, love?” I asked.

“My three favorite ornaments on the tree.”

“Which three?” 

She pointed first at one that was a little frame that said ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ on the bottom of it. The photo inside was of she, Greyson, and the grown kids. In Janie’s arms was a tiny baby Finnegan. They were all standing in front of a giant Christmas tree that looked a lot like the one we were looking at right now but standing in the living room of what I knew to be the brownstone in Brooklyn that Janie and Greyson had lived in when they were married. Despite it being a small photo I could see the giant smiles on everyone’s faces as they all surrounded Finn. 

The second ornament was another “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament. This one wasn’t quite as happy as the first. It was Janie, Finn, the grown kids and a tiny little Grey. She was a happy baby and everyone was all smiles but there was a darkness over the rest of the family. It was their second Christmas without Greyson and first with his namesake. While everyone was happy to have little Grey but they missed their leader. 

The third and final was a similar frame to the first two but rather than saying “Baby’s First Christmas” it just said “Christmas 2020” on it. Inside the frame was us. Our family, all of eight of us, standing in front of the Christmas tree we were admiring right now. The weekend after Thanksgiving, after Janie had lugged this tree through the city with Jameson and I in tow, we all gathered at the house. Thanksgiving was Amelia’s holiday, the only one that Janie still requested and that Amelia easily obliged to was Christmas Day. Janie had made a huge deal out of the weekend. The kids showed up Friday night in time for family pizza night, something that since Elizabeth moving in with Janie often included Jameson and always included Becks if she was home. We started watching Christmas movies and decorating the house. Saturday Elizabeth and Becks took the littles shopping to pick out their new ornaments for the year and find a few other things for the house. Saturday night was filled with Christmas music, way too much food and decorating the massive tree that Janie insisted on having. Just us and the six kids. At the end of the night, when the tree was decorated and we were all dressed in the matching pajamas that Janie had found, Becks used her exceedingly impressive selfie skills to take a photo of all of us with the tree behind us. It was perfect and a bit crazy, just like us.

“Those are your three favorites?”

“Yup. They are the first ornaments for each stage of my family in it’s evolution. There are a few pre-Finn that I love but having him made Christmas magical for me. My first Christmas with Grey was so hard but Finny worked to make it fun. And honestly, without those three that just went to bed, I would’ve given up on Christmas the moment Greyson died. It’s a hard day for me. It just serves to remind me how much I miss him.” I lightly kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking like this. It’s our first Christmas together, not all that great to listen to your girlfriend cry about missing her husband.”

“I miss him for you. I love you and I am so grateful that I have you in my life but I wish I’d known Greyson. He seems like he was an incredible person.”

“He was. He would’ve liked you a lot. You’re so good to his kids.”

“I love them as if they were my own.”

“I know. We are lucky to have you,” she said as she turned around, stood on her tiptoes and kissed me. “Let’s go to bed. We’ll have six kids up before you know it.” I squeeze her tightly before we headed upstairs to bed. It didn’t take long before we both passed out cold.

“Mommy….Daddy, I think Santa came,” came the whisper of Finn. I opened one eye and saw him. His face was a few inches from mine. 

“How do you know that, buddy?” I asked, my voice clearly not prepared to talk to an excited 5 year old yet. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was 6:05. We’d only been asleep for about three hours.

“There are glitter footprints in my room!” That was all Elizabeth and Becks.

“There are?!” Janie was doing her best to sound excited while also trying not to show that she was pissed off she’d been woken up. She loved sleep. 

“Yeah!”

“Okay, let Mommy and I get up and then we can get your sisters and go downstairs.”

“Okay.” Finn crawled into our bed as I turned the TV on to cartoons for him. We went into the master bathroom and shut the door. 

“Fuck. I just want to sleep. I should’ve told him no waking up until 7:00,” Janie groaned.

“It’s okay. He’s excited.” After a few minutes we both emerged, feeling a little bit more human. “Okay, I’m gonna go get the girls. Why don’t you two go wake up Jamo?” Finn jumped onto his Mom’s back and she carried him piggyback down the hall to Jameson’s room as I went and got the girls up. After bathroom time and brushed teeth we found Janie and Finn at the end of the hall.

“Jameson isn’t in his room,” Finn announced as we found them sitting on the stairs at the end of the hall.

“Well maybe he’s up already,” I said. “Okay kids on the count of three you can head downstairs.”

“One,” Janie whispered.

“Two,” I answered in an equally hushed tone.

“Three,” we said together and watched as our three kids took off down the stairs. We followed quickly. As we made it to the first floor we found all three of grown kids asleep on the giant sectional in the living room. The yells and giggles of the kids woke them up. Judging by how easy it was to wake them up I knew that they were all pretending to sleep while they waited for the kids. 

“Merry Christmas,” Elizabeth exclaimed as she quickly caught all three of them in her arms.

“Merry Christmas,” three tiny voices replied. 

“Santa was here!” Finn declared.

“He totally was,” Jameson replied. “I set up the cameras to try and catch him last night. Let’s see if we got him.” It was a stall technique. All of us needed coffee. I watched as Elizabeth and Becks headed into the kitchen with Janie to start coffee and get drinks for the kids. I sat down with the girls in my lap as Jameson had Finn in his. Jameson pulled up the app for the security cameras in the house and started to rewind it. “Whoa! There he is.”

“It’s Santa!” Finn yelled.

“Ho ho ho!” came the voice through the camera. It was Jameson’s voice and judging by the way Santa moved it was also him dressed up in a Santa costume. 

“Daddy, it’s Santa!” Harper said excitedly. 

“It is. I wonder what he brought you?” The kids all jumped down from our laps and started looking through the presents that surrounded the tree. Janie handed me a cup of coffee and as she sat down next to me with her legs going across my lap and rested her head on my shoulder. Becks handed her brother a coffee before crashing back into the couch. The kids all started digging through the presents as Elizabeth decided to play gift giver and sat on the floor with them. 

One by one each of the littles started opening presents. Eventually Janie stood up and started handing out presents to her stepkids. She’d had a lot of fun getting gifts for everyone and had drug me out shopping on a few occasions. She had gone a little overboard but it was nice to see that she was enjoying herself rather than dreading today. As all of the gifts came to a close we moved towards the kitchen for breakfast before we all began getting ready for family to arrive for the remainder of the day’s celebrations.    

“You did good, love,” I said as I wrapped my arms around her.

“Thanks and thank you for all of your help.”

“Of course. You did miss one present though,” I said as I pulled a small blue box with a white ribbon out of it’s hiding place in the kitchen. 

“You weren’t supposed to get me anything big, Styles. And you already gave me so much.” She gestured at the pile of gifts in the living room that were from me and the kids, knowing that I’d paid for the gifts from all three of the littles to her. She opened the box I’d handed her and found inside a heart shaped rose gold locket. “Harry.” I watched as her eye started to water.

“Open it,” I replied. She used her fingernail to pop open the heart where inside she found a photo from this summer of all six of the kids that she’d taken when we were in the Hamptons for Finn’s birthday. The opposite side was a photo of the two of us together, locked in a kiss.

“Harry, this is too much.”

“No, it’s not. It’s actually not enough.” She looked at me confused. “You have been the architect of this beautiful family and I wanted you to be able to carry us with you everywhere.”

“I love you,” she said as she went to kiss me. I unclasped the necklace and hung it around her neck.

“I love you too.” I kissed her again and held her close. “Merry Christmas, J.”

“Merry Christmas, Styles.”     

Again, I sincerely apologize about this being late but I hope you enjoyed it. I can’t wait to hear from you. :) 

Now to get to work on the next chapter of Los Angeles, When Will You Save Me?

xx AM.

[magg0t-bible]

Top 20 Favourite Alt-J Songs

The title is pretty self explanatory so I’m just gonna jump right in

(Also I’ll be briefly explaining what I like about each one, so another long post. Feel free to skip through if you just want to know the songs)

20. Left Hand Free

Generally a really nice bop. It is arguably their most poppy song, and quite different from most of their other music, but it’s still recognisably them, which is what I love. Honestly all I have to hear is the guitar intro and I’m already dancing like an idiot

ALSO there’s a really cute interview/live performance that the band did on KEXP  (I’ll insert the link at the end if I can be bothered) where they’re playing this song and in the bit where it goes back to “ain’t shady baby I’m hot”, Gus starts clapping to the beat and makes Joe laugh so much that he can’t even sing it properly and it’s v cute

(Also the little “speakeasy” about halfway through is sexy ngl)

19. Interlude 3 ❦

Strange choice I know, but hear me out. I love the simplicity of this interlude, because it’s literally just 58 seconds of piano and quiet vocalising over the top, but it WORKS SO WELL. Plus it’s placed between a heavier song and a more gentle song on the album, so it’s an interesting way of transitioning.

18. Taro

I have such good memories of the first time I heard Taro. I associate it with getting up early in the morning and going for a walk, as cheesy as that sounds - it just generally fills me with so much happiness. I think it’s very well composed, and that INSTRUMENTAL!! I love it!!!

Not to mention the lyrics about the two war photographers (Robert Capa and Gerda Taro) are very interesting. In general I just really love the different topics that Alt-J write about in their songs.

17. Arrival In Nara

This is such a beautiful, peaceful and gentle song. The piano in the first half sets the song up so nicely, and it’s complemented well with the really light vocals. Especially when Joe and Gus harmonise for the “though I cannot see I can hear her smile as she sings”....I’m dead

16. Intro (This Is All Yours version)

 Even though this song does take some time to build up, I’d definitely say it’s worth the wait. The layers are built up so gradually and effectively, and by the time the drums come in, it’s just....it’s just amazing. Wow.

15. Ms

I actually used to skip this song when I first listened to An Awesome Wave, not because I didn’t like it, just because it didn’t really stand out to me that much. WELL. 

You know that meme that’s been recreated a million times that says “when you listen to that one song on the album you always skip and it’s actually fire”? Yeah, that’s Ms. The lyrics are beautiful, the a cappella on “the dark seeks dark” works so nicely, and the instrumental after “the nights of all my youth pressed into one glass of water/the shadow burns across like embers tide paper” is so incredibly relaxing.

14. 3WW

I remember one day early in 2017, I said to myself, “it’d be really nice to see Alt-J live, but they haven’t made any music in like, three years. Oh well.” 

THE. LITERAL. NEXT. DAY. My friend texted me saying that they’d released a teaser for a new song. So after running round my house hyperventilating and whisper-screaming (don’t worry, I was home alone), I went onto YouTube and listened to the 30-second teaser of 3WW. 

AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN. Even more so when I listened to the full song. Gus’ vocals in the beginning are AMAZING - so glad he finally got a solo. Ellie Rowsell’s vocals halfway through are so perfectly placed, and she was definitely the right woman for the job. The instrumentation is absolutely beautiful. Overall the song is just a masterpiece.

13. Hunger Of The Pine

The first song I ever heard from This Is All Yours. I love the way it begins, with Joe singing without any accompaniment apart from that repeating note. It’s another song that builds up nicely, especially by the time the drums come in, and that Miley Cyrus sample?! I had no idea it was her, it just blends in so well.

This is definitely the sort of song you should listen to with headphones on, preferably also with your eyes closed. It’s such an experience and it really takes me places.

(Also shoutout to Gus and his awesome French skills towards the end)

12. The Gospel Of John Hurt

This song is quite similar to HOTP, in the way that it focuses on layers and starts in a very simplistic way before building up. I really like the drums in the second verse and chorus, and the tempo change right after that. I also thought it was cool that the first time Joe sings “Jeremiah” it’s kind of gentle and airy, but then the second time it’s more like “JeremiAHHHHHH” idk it’s cool

And every chorus after the tempo change just makes me feel like my soul has been awoken because W O W

11. Dissolve Me

The first few months of 2017 were a bit difficult for me, and An Awesome Wave as a whole really helped me through them. However, Dissolve Me stood out because of the line “she makes the sound, the sound the sea makes, to calm me down”. My difficulties were to do with my anxiety, and listening to this song helped me to relax like you wouldn’t believe. So it holds a special place in my heart for that reason.

My favourite part has to be the ending when Joe and Gus are harmonising with the “ohhh” and then the chords from the intro come back, and they take it in turns to sing “she makes the sound the sea makes, knee deep in the north”. Absolutely spectacular, even more so live.

10. Something Good

This song definitely lives up to its title. As far is I’m concerned, if you tell me that you can listen to the drums in the intro and not want to dance, you’re a liar. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

The vocals in the verses are honestly so groovy, and the choruses are somewhat gentle, but they still make me want to get up and dance. The drums throughout the whole song also give it a really nice vibe.

9. Interlude 1/The Ripe & Ruin ❦

I have a surprisingly strong connection with this song, and I’ll explain why. The lyrics are generally about finding balance in your life, but they more specifically describe a woman who constantly counts her steps while walking and makes sure to “abide by the law that she herself has set”. One of my idiosyncrasies has always been pretty much exactly this, and I’ve always thought I was weird for doing it, so this interlude makes me feel lot less alone. Plus the lack of music makes it feel much more intimate.

8. In Cold Blood

AN ACTUAL BANGER. That’s pretty much all I need to say.

The way it instantly begins. The fact that the numbers in the beginning are backwards binary code for ∆, meaning it’s the world’s most cryptic name drop. The line “all above crowd around so fucking loud”. The brass in the chorus. The way the music at the end of the chorus just instantly stops, Joe sings “in cold blood”, and then the music comes right back. I LOVE IT ALL.

7. Tessellate 

Tessellate was the song that led me to discover Alt-J, thanks to my extreme obsession with the Ellie Goulding cover that spent a long time being my favourite song ever. I will admit that my younger, unappreciative self wasn’t huge fan of the original song initially, partially because I saw some of the dodgy looking people in the music video lip syncing to the song and naturally thought they were the band. But over time, I decided to give Alt-J another go, and it was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. And I obviously LOVE Tessellate now.

6. Adeline

I’m pretty sad I didn’t get to see this song live, but listening to it at home with headphones is a magical enough experience. It has such powerful lyrics, the way everything gradually builds up is just so beautiful (yes I say that a lot, but they do it a lot okay), it’s just incredible. Especially that end bit where Gus is singing “ohhhhh my Adeline” and you hear the “YAAA YAAA YAAA” over the top. MIND=BLOWN.

5. Matilda

I can honestly say that it was love at first listen with Matilda. Given that I’d been introduced to Alt-J with Breezeblocks and Tessellate, it was nice to listen to something that was a little more light and gentle (in my opinion). I love the way the song references the film Léon, and the drum beat right at the start of the first verse is so peaceful and nice to listen to.

4. Fitzpleasure

When I first got into Alt-J and I’d only heard An Awesome Wave, Fitzpleasure was actually my number 1 favourite song of theirs. I obviously still love it, given that it’s now number 4. The bass line (and guitar in general) is so COOL!! It’s such a groovy sounding song and I love the way it switches between Joe singing a cappella and heavy bass. 10/10.

(P.S. yes I know what the song is about, and no, we are not discussing that today.)

3. Pleader

My favourite Relaxer song, the music video for which has made me cry on multiple occasions. The introductory violins, the way everything is layered, the vocals, the lyrics, basically this song just makes me feel every single emotion at once and it gives me goosebumps and it’s AMAZING. What a killer song to end an album with.

2. Bloodflood

This may come as a surprise, but I actually took ages to listen to this song. I didn’t actually listen to An Awesome Wave from start to finish, I kinda just put it on my laptop and listened to each song gradually, which I now realise was not the best idea. But HOLY MOLY. BLOODFLOOD.

I don’t think I need to say much about this song, because every Alt-J fan knows why it’s amazing. However, it is only number 2, because in terms of personal connections and meaning, there is only one song that can top it.

And that song is......

*drumroll*

1. Nara

WOW. Where to even start. The first time I listened to This Is All Yours (actually from start to finish this time), Nara just stuck out to me for some reason. I have always been a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community, and hearing a song about a gay relationship is just really nice for me. It’s incredibly powerful due to its description of how difficult it is to be gay in a situation where that isn’t truly accepted. 

As well as that, the repetition of “hallelujah, Bovay, Alabama” at the end always hits me right in the feels. It’s such a simple motif, yet it works so well as an outro, especially if you understand why they chose those specific words.

So there you go, my top 20 favourite Alt-J songs. Congratulations if you made it this far.

Honourable Mentions

(aka songs that could’ve been on the list but I only thought of them after I’d finished writing the list and I couldn’t be bothered changing it so here they are)

Breezeblocks

Bloodflood pt. II

Deadcrush

Every Other Freckle

Intro (An Awesome Wave version)

Last Year

Portrait

353

Ok I promise I’m done now

[Here’s the interview if you’re interested, Left Hand Free is at 7:14]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrqIws8Q7H4&t=441s

[youmissedone]

Saving the Past

A Resident Evil Carlos x Alice Fan Fiction One Shot

by Silence Leaflin

(This is a short little fic detailing a headcanon of mine for Carlos and Alice. It basically explains the meaning behind what Carlos said to Alice before he sacrificed himself, namely the phrase, “Save it.” It’s something I’ve had in my head for years, and it was mostly inspired by the song All of This Past by Sarah Bettens, which is a longstanding “theme” song of mine for Alice. When I listen to it, I think of Alice going to a place in her mind where she keeps the people she’s lost. Going to that place is both painful and therapeutic for her.)

It was a cool night in the desert during a crescent moon, with the only light coming from a meager, flickering fire nearby. The others had long since retired to their vehicles or tents for the night, but Carlos and Alice were still out by the fire, lying on a scratchy, fraying blanket in each other’s arms. They had taken second watch, having chosen during first watch to make love instead of sleep. It was an entirely acceptable sacrifice, both felt. Sleep could always happen during third watch, after all.

Lying on his back, Carlos watched the flames dance in the light winds as Alice lay against him, doing the same. They’d been quiet for some time now, verbally at least. Carlos’ mind was always working on something, reminding him of things he needed to do or pondering the various outcomes of plans he’d been considering of late. No matter how hard he tried to quiet his mind, it was no use. And he was on watch while the others slept, so his eyes and ears were always open. Turning his head, his lips grazed the top of Alice’s affectionately. Was she as restless as he was right now, despite that they both found comfort in each other’s arms just a couple hours before? He guessed so.

“Where are you?” he whispered, his lips against her hair.

She didn’t move or answer for a moment, and Carlos thought she might not at all. That was alright. She was entitled to her secrecy. But soon enough she tilted her head up, her chin resting on his chest. There was a furrow of sadness in her brown and her eyes were glassy. “With them,” she whispered.

“Them?” he asked.

She nodded. “Rain… Matt… Kaplan… One…” she whispered, her voice raspy from the dry desert air but deep from emotion. “I have to remember them. I have to remember their faces… and their words… and why they died.”

“Are you afraid you’re going to forget?” Carlos asked, with a tone that suggested that was an impossibility.

Alice gave no reply.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” he asked.

“I have to,” she said with conviction. “I owe it to them, even if it’s easier to just forget. I can’t let myself do that. I don’t want to. I can’t take the easy road when they’re dead now because of me.” Her voice broke and her eyes flooded just then, and so she laid her head back down so he wouldn’t see her cry.

Carlos sighed. He knew this was about guilt. Being with him earlier had made her happy. It had relaxed her and reminded her of what was good in life still, even despite all that had happened. And now she felt she had to punish herself for that escape, in a way. It may or may not have been deliberate on her part, but it was a manifestation not only of losing those she cared about but also feeling somewhat responsible for Umbrella’s evils. It was a form of survivor’s guilt, and he understood it well enough. Hell, he felt partially responsible too, having been an Umbrella soldier himself, but he felt like she was falling into an unhealthy pattern of living too much in the past. Beating herself up over what was already said and done was not constructive, and it didn’t accomplish what she really wanted to do, the way Carlos saw it. “Alice… I don’t think they would’ve wanted you to torture yourself like this.”

“They can’t want anything anymore. Outside of my mind they no longer exist, thanks to me,” she said bitterly. A hard lump rose in her throat and her eyes flooded with tears, even though her expression remained unchanging as stone as the firelight danced in her rarely blinking eyes. Carlos was the only one she could share these dark and self-defeating thoughts with. She felt safe with him in a way she did with no one else. It was not a physical safety, but rather an emotional kind that, from time to time, she desperately needed to bask in with him.

She didn’t usually talk like this. Carlos had not even really expected a response to his question earlier, but since she was talking, he thought he may as well encourage her, offer her some advice. She might not take it, but sometimes just hearing someone else’s opinion on something you’ve mulled over and pushed around in your mind alone so many times helped to shed new light on it. Perhaps he could get her to see things from a different angle.

“Then ask yourself…” Carlos said, “are you remembering them because you cared for them and want to keep them close to your heart and their memories alive, or do you do it to punish yourself?”

She looked up at him again, conflict and pain in her eyes. It flashed only for a moment, and then her expression went back to showing nothing. Carlos could see her pain still there, though, lingering in the depths of her eyes.

“The reason I’m asking is because… I want to remember the people I’ve lost in the best light possible. How can I do that if I am constantly associating their memory with my own survivor’s guilt?” Carlos asked.

“It’s not just survivor’s guilt, Carlos,” Alice said firmly. “They’re dead because of me. Because I didn’t do enough to stop this. Or didn’t do it fast enough. Or…” She trailed off, shaking her head before laying her cheek on his chest once more.

“Would they see things the same way?” he asked.

“They should,” she said through slightly gritted teeth.

“So now you’re telling the dead what to think?” Carlos asked in an animated fashion, the makings of a grin just starting in the corners of his mouth.

Alice suddenly chuckled, unable to resist his humor, however morbid it might be. But her bottom lip began to tremble and she looked lost once again. She looked up again, her chin resting on his chest once more. Carlos was the only one she’d ever show that face too. She didn’t open up to anyone else the way she did to him. She couldn’t.

“I think you need to separate your guilt from your memories of them. Hang on to the guilt if you won’t let anyone talk you out of it, but store it in a different place. Keep a place just for them. A positive one, a safe one, for the good things about them. Good moments you shared. Only the good. Don’t let anything negative into that place. You take the good, and you save it… not for a time when you want to beat yourself up about the past, but for when you want to visit everyone you’ve lost. In here,” he said with a smile, touching his fingertip to her forehead.

Alice stared at him for a moment, pondering what he’d said quite seriously. Smiling slightly and shaking her head in amazement, she wondered how Carlos always knew how to make everything better, to sort out the mess of thoughts and emotions she called a mind and mold it into something functional again. “Save it, huh?” she asked.

“Mm-hmm. In this place you’re going to keep for them. But give your guilt an eviction notice. Move it somewhere else.” he said. “Otherwise years from now, all you’ll be remembering is a collection of memories clouded and poisoned by your own pain. You’re not going to forget them, Alice. You’re not. I know you. You will never forget anyone you’ve lost. There’s no danger of that at all. All you need is a safe place to visit them. Not every night, or even every week. Save it… for when you’re well enough. For when you’re not under immediate duress, or utterly exhausted, or badly wounded. None of them would ever have wanted to be responsible for Umbrella or the infected or anyone else getting the better of you because you wore yourself down by living in the past. Just save it all in a safe place, to be tapped when you want to remember the good things.”

What he said made a lot of sense to Alice. It was her last beautiful space in her heart, the memories of the fallen. Aside from her love for Carlos, that is. She was souring it by always being so angry and sad when she thought of them. What justice was that for them? In a way, she was wronging them twice. First by being the reason they died, and then by turning their memory into something negative, something that was painful to her. She should look forward to her reminiscences. They should comfort her, not tear her down.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll save it. Somewhere special. Protected.”

“Yeah?” he asked. Had she actually taken his advice for once? He couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah,” she said, nodding and smiling quite genuinely.

He liked the expression on her face now. It was a relieved one, of the sort that happened rarely and only when he’d managed to sort something out for her. Every now and then, as intelligent and capable as Alice was, she needed some spring cleaning performed on her brain. He was always happy when he could help iron out the wrinkles in her thoughts.

“I’d like to make a reservation, if I may,” he said with a loving smile.

“What?” she asked, shocked and staring at him with wide eyes.

“For when I die,” he said, as easily as he’d ever said anything. “I’d like to reserve a spot in your special protected place. That’s the only afterlife for me.”

The strong, confident smile on his face…. The way he had no problem suggesting that he’d not only die, but die before her… they made Alice’s eyes flood again as the vulnerability returned to her expression. She nodded, her brow furrowing with conviction. “You don’t need a reservation. The door will always be open for you. I promise.”

*   *   *   *   *

She’d followed Carlos’ suggestion, even after she made the heartbreaking decision to leave him and others to protect them from Umbrella after Angie’s death. Many a night was spent under a desert moon just like the one they’d made love under the time he helped her safeguard the best memories of those she cared for, keeping them safe from harm. Safe from her own guilt, bitterness, coldness… Oh, her heart had grown so cold without Carlos’ careful tending. Seeing him again in the Nevada desert had breathed new life into her… only to have it ripped away by a single infected bite.

Alice hung back as the others said their goodbyes to Carlos. She waited by the truck that would become his coffin, trying to think of something to say. Her mind could barely process what was happening, however, for it was happening so fast… and to the one person she had loved the most in this world. She just got him back, and now fate was tearing them apart, this time forever. I must be cursed, Alice thought as Carlos walked up to the door of the truck and smiled at her. It was a confident smile, a fearless one, and even though the T-virus was slowly killing him and he would be dead long before it did anyway if his plan worked as they discussed, he still looked at her with love in his eyes. She wanted to tell him how noble she thought what he was about to do really was. She wanted to say she loved him. She wanted to thank him… for all those long talks they shared over the last few years. But all those sentiments caught in her throat, unable to move around the hard lump that had yet again taken up residence there.

“Carlos… I…” Alice struggled, but he interrupted her.

“Save it,” he said, knowing she would remember that night.

She smiled softly, nodding and leaving it at that.

*   *   *   *   *

The battle with a mutated Dr. Isaacs had left her battered, aching, and so thoroughly tired she could barely think. After getting her clones as situated as she could manage in her current state, Alice then retreated to a different part of the facility, where soldiers and live-in personnel had once stayed. After a half-assed shower, she wrapped a towel around herself and wandered to the dorms, finding a bed. Sitting down on it with a wince, she was quiet for a long while, her mind frozen with all that had happened that day. Soon enough, though, she was doing what she came here to do… and it was not sleep.

“I did it, Carlos. Just as I promised,” she whispered, her voice raspy and weak. She felt a little stupid for speaking out loud to a dead man, but not stupid enough to stop. “Now it’s time to keep my other promise to you.”

She lay down on the bed and closed her eyes, but still did not sleep. Slowly and carefully, she ran through all the memories she’d made with Carlos in her mind, remembering from the time they’d met in Raccoon City right up to kissing him beside the truck and smiling at him on the road before he went to meet his doom. Solidifying these happy memories and committing them as new volumes in the library of the fallen, Alice let everything hit her. She laughed, she cried, her fists balled as they clutched the bed sheets… She wanted to make sure he found his way into that place, that he was saved, and so she took her time and allowed herself to feel everything. She would guide him there… and there he would stay until she breathed her last breath.

When she was finished, she was as exhausted emotionally as she had already been physically. Curling up and clutching a fist to her heart, Alice almost thought for a moment that she could feel him with her. It was enough comfort for her to sleep, and when she woke the next day, her resolve and strength for continuing the fight against Umbrella were restored.

*   *   *   *   *

Alice visited Carlos as often as she pleased as the years rolled on, along with all the others she’d lost, when time and circumstance permitted. They were all safe inside a sanctuary of Carlos’ making. It was a place that would eventually hold Becky, Jill, Luther, Leon, Ada, and all others who would enter her life only to leave it too soon. Carrying these memories with her did not weigh her down, not the way Carlos helped her to do it. Instead it fortified her, kept her strong and focused on not only what she intended to do to Umbrella, but why…

…and for whom.

[genogenocrazycatman]

Chicky - Prompto x OFC

Chicky [Archive of Our Own, FanFiction.Net]

Characters: Prompto Argentum, Original Female Character

“I’m not giving birth to a chocobo!”

***

I never thought that I would sing at the royal wedding. At first it was simple, because I had no connection to Lady Lunafreya or Prince Noctis. I was just a commoner, but then Insomnia fell, the prince came to Altissia and Leviathan was unleashed. The oracle was killed, and I having proven myself an asset joined Noctis and the others on their journey to take back what was theirs. Still with no bride, I never thought that I was going to sing at the royal wedding. Then the world went dark, and the wedding was just a distant memory.

Fortunately, Noct brought back the light, and the gods brought back both him and Lunafreya, and with both of them came work (lots and lots of work) and a wedding. I was definitely more excited about the wedding.

The harpist began to delicately pull the strings of his instrument, the gentle sound starting the process.

The couple made their way to the dance floor, bowing and curtseying to each other as had been the tradition for generations, before beginning their dance, just as I sang the first note.

“When the night has come

And the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we'll see

No I won't be afraid

Oh, I won't be afraid

Just as long as you stand, stand by me”

Oh Noctis. He had been dreading this dance. He’d dreaded quite a bit about the wedding actually. Feeling that it was wrong to have such an event, when much of the kingdom still needed to recover. Fortunately the boys were able to make him see that this was exactly what everyone needed, an event to show that it was over that we truly could return to normal, something that would make the people feel good.

“So darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand, stand by me

Stand by me”

He and Lunafreya moved with such grace and dignity around the dance floor. It was truly a sight to behold.

Both looked impeccable in their wedding garb. The way the light hit them, accenting the gold and stones, as well as the airiness of the new queen’s dress made them seem more like spirits than humans, like at any second they could fizzle out. It was like a dream that would leave us all in awe of even after we woke up.

“If the sky that we look upon

Should tumble and fall

Or the mountain should crumble to the sea

I won't cry, I won't cry

No, I won't shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

“And darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand now, stand by me

Stand by me”

I took the instrumental section of the song to take a quick glance around the room, taking in everything. I had no clue, who most of these people were.

Gladio of course stood above most of the crowd, his arms wrapped around his missus’s, who he was gazing lovingly at.

Ignis was still at his seat, but I could see the small smile that was gracing his features.

Prompto was standing on top of something that I was sure Ignis would yell at him for later, camera trained on the pair dancing.  

I smiled, and almost teared up, because somehow we all made it.

The music swelled and I rejoined.

“Darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me

Oh stand by me, won't you stand now, oh, stand

Stand by me

“Darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me

Oh stand by me, won't you stand now, oh, stand

Stand by me”

The song came to a close and the couple’s movements came to a halt. We all applauded the two.

I was quickly handed a flute of champagne. I waited until the cheers calmed down, before catching everyone’s attention and introducing myself.  

“It was years ago in Altissia that I first met, King Noctis. There were rumors that he was coming to Altissia. A less than favorable character had put a price on his head and some of my former associates had planned to collect, so I spent the day chasing them around, beating some respect for the Lucian crown into them. He busted me on the last one. At first I was amazed. He was so strong, hiding his pain with a bratty emo kid act. Then I realized that he was just a whiny emo brat.” Noct rolled his eyes, but chuckled along with the rest of the crowd. “That amazement never left. I was given the privilege of joining our king and his companions, and to help bring peace back to the world. I have watched him fight through hardship and heartbreak. He is a man willing to give up everything to protect what matters most. I am proud to call you my king, and my friend. I wish you, your wife, your marriage and your kingdom much love, happiness and prosperity in the years to come.” I raised the glass. “To King Noctis and Queen Lunafreya!”

The crowd repeated my words, raising their glasses.

I put mine to my lip, tipping it, but never letting the liquid hit my tongue. I placed the glass on one of the server’s trays as I exited. As I rejoined the crowd I was greeted by a ridiculous number of people. I was compliment on my voice and my toast. I thanked them politely, never letting myself get caught up in a conversation for too long.

I needed air, between the lights and all of the people, it was getting to be a bit too much.

I stepped outside onto one of the balconies and took a deep breath.

“You know, you’re not supposed to upstage the best man,” Prompto said, coming up behind me. He rested his palms on the balcony ledge in front of me. He rested his chin on my shoulder.

I felt my heart flutter. It was amazing that even little stuff like that could still affect me.  I reached up and stroked the side of his face.

“I’m not supposed to upstage the bride or groom. The best man is fair game,” I said, spinning around and wrapping my arms around his neck.

“You couldn’t cut me a little slack?” he whined, bringing his hands to my waist.

“Nope,” I said, pecking him on the lips.

“I can’t stay mad at you,” he said, kissing me. “Especially, when you look so beautiful.”

The design of the gown was simple, no embroidery, sequins, or stones just flowing fabric that pooled on the floor. Yellow fabric, chocobo yellow fabric.

“I thought you’d like it. You’re not too bad yourself,” I replied, pulling at the lapels of his jacket.

“You know,” he started. “I was thinking with Noct back and on the throne and now married, and the daemons almost entirely wiped out, and the kingdom finally getting back on its feet, you and I could finally get around to planning that wedding.”

I lifted my hand to look at the ring on it. “I guess after seven years, it’s time that this guy got a partner,” I teased. “But I have some conditions.”

“Okay...”

“First, no rushing. We’re waiting a year and a half at least. We need time to plan, and I don’t want

my wedding day to be marked by Gladio making fun of me by saying ‘She’s huge.’”

“Why would he-”

I hadn’t meant for that slip, at least not yet. With all of his responsibilities as best man, I figured it would be best wait. His job for the most part was over, so now was as god of a time as any. Plus, it was getting harder and harder to keep the secret, partially, because there was no way to quietly throw up every morning, and partially, because I just really wanted to tell him.

I acted like he hadn’t asked me anything. “Plus, I think it would be nice if the little one was at the wedding.”

I ignored Prompto and continued talking. “Plus I think it would be nice if the little one could be in the wedding.”

“Little one?” he asked.

I just grinned at him, waiting for him to get it.

“Like a baby?”

I nodded.

“You’re pregnant?” he asked, face a mix of shock and disbelief.

“Yeah,” I said.

He was quiet for a moment seemingly stunned.

“Prom, you alri-“

He kissed me, catching me off guard.

“You’re pregnant,” he said, when we parted. He was grinning like an idiot and his eyes sparkled brighter than I had ever seen them sparkle before. “I’m gonna be a dad.”

“You are,” I confirmed.

He hugged me tight, then let me go, dropping so that his face was in front of my stomach, one hand on either side. “Hey, Little One,” he said.

He was so cute that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the little one couldn’t hear him yet.

“I’m gonna be your dad,” he continued. “I promise you that you are going to be the most loved baby of all time, I’m never going to let anything hurt you or your mommy, and you’ll never be alone, ever, no matter what-“

I chuckled. “Prom, you do realize that you have time right? You don’t have to promise the kid the world all in one shot.”

“Gotta make sure the little chickie knows that-“

“I’m not giving birth to a chocobo!” I said, flicking the side of Prom’s head.

His eyes lit up again, and I just knew what he was thinking.

I held my finger up to stop him from speaking. “We are not discussing chocobo riding yet.”

“But we will discuss it,” he said.

“Yes, we will discuss it,” I conceded. I ran my hand through his hair. “You know, we have a wedding reception to return to.”

“I’d rather stay out here with you two,” he said.

“I’d rather we stay out here too, but just think about it, once the reception’s over it’s just you me and Little One. Plus, I’m sure you’re missing a lot of really good shots.”

“You’re right,” he said, standing up. He pulled out his camera and then pulled me in close. “Say cheese.”

I smiled at his antics, letting him take the selfie, before shoving him to go back inside. “Let’s go. I wanna see them cut the cake.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder.  I wrapped mine around his waist and together we returned to the reception.

***

Master List | Mobile Version

[enbyflock2]

“The Music of Maslanka: Dissociation to Re-Association”

CW: body and social dysphoria, struggles with body image, disordered eating

My development as a musician was seriously being affected by not realizing I had dysphoria. I did not care about the audience, experimenting with reeds, playing it like a love song, or resonance. I felt the concept of “playing like myself” was just a socially constructed idea in itself. I was led to question if there was really such thing as authentic performance, and whether or not performance was all just something contrived.

If I were to make a generalization on what my two biggest weaknesses were in playing, it was that my long tones (i.e. values such as half notes and whole notes) were lacking in resonance, and that in fast technical passages, I had a tendency to tense up my fingers and embouchure, playing with poor tone quality and with phrases lacking in direction.

I decided to compete in Concerto and Aria. I was looking through pieces with my saxophone teacher Fred Winkler, and we settled on the first and fourth movements of the Maslanka Concerto. I took a look at movement one, and, of course, it was exclusively composed of long tones and fast technical passages!

I can attest that this Concerto by Maslanka changed my life, in that it helped me discover my trans identity. It helped me realize the power and paradox behind taking dissociative approaches, behaviors, and feelings towards my practicing and lessons to create more authentic associations, pure aesthetics, and emotions within the final product in performance. Emerging myself in dissociative approaches like this organically led me to expressing my gender differently, and then led to huge realizations about my gender identity.

The dissociative approaches method to playing an instrument and performing is found in every facet of this three-dimensional model of “external-internalized-internal” i.e. “environmental-behavioral-aesthetic.” Examples of dissociative practices for external and environmental factors even include something that should seem basic like purchasing reeds or mouthpieces. Although there are typically brands of reeds that are most commonly used for each instrument, you do have to try out a bunch of different reeds within a single box and subjectively analyze which one sounds best for your set-up. It does take a long time to be able to differentiate for yourself what subjectively sounds good to your ears, because you have to keep dissociating yourself with the qualities you didn’t like in your previous setup before, and be able to hear the associations you are aiming to get.

The internalized and behavioral factors are all shifted through how you practice your instrument. The surest way to develop your internalized and behavioral factors in playing music proficiently is all through dissociative means. You have a fast passage that is hard for you? Take one difficult line from the passage. Play it twice as slow. Play it as perfect and ideally as possible at the slow tempo, three times. Speed it up very gradually. Repeat. Once you get to the tempo, awesome. Now take it 10-20 beats above the tempo, so that in performance you will not feel uncomfortable at the original tempo. Now repeat this same process for the other difficult lines. Then piece it all together: slowly at first, then gradually speed it up.

I was left with a huge factor to deal with in working on the Concerto: internal and aesthetic. Fred was really shaking me up inside with the several ideas and associations he was gradually giving me. All the ideas he gave me led me to conclude that I had to play it like a “classical Bach soft rock Whitney Houston vocal style pop song opera aria.” How was I to do this? It’s the same answer for the other two factors: dissociation, then re-association.

What may seem to others as a mere practice room space, I see as a place that is simultaneously reflective and refractive of the social world around me. Thus, when I really focus in on changing my musicality through shifting any of these three dimensions through this meditative practice of “dissociation, re-association, re-evaluation,” I am shifting the dimensions in my everyday social settings by the same means. This shifting, as well as this pushing and pulling tension between the practicing space and the outside world, is what has created and stabilized my character, identity, and sense of self.

The dissociations I started doing for this piece became radical, both inside and outside of the practice room. I eventually realized I’ve been having dysphoria all my life. So I threw on a dress, and the journey of endless questioning and realizations began. As I continued to grow with the piece, I started to realize exactly what my problem was. Since I had left my dysphoria unchecked for so many years, I had been associating the long, expressive, vibrato tones with playing like a woman and the fast, flashy, virtuosic passages as playing like a man. Why was this problematic? It was mostly because I would focus so strongly on the expressions of images of one or a few women in long tone passages and one or a few men in virtuosic passages, instead of focusing on pure identities. Thus, I would think of stereotypical expressions of women in my long tone passages, and would think passive, frail, unsupported, and flighty, inconsistent feelings. This created weak breath support and poor tone quality. I would think of stereotypical expressions of men in my virtuosic passages, and would think tight, strong, competitive, and brash. This created tension in my hands and a poor embouchure. This was also problematic because these expressions are not what define being a man and a woman, and the views were plain sexist.

It was also a problem in that long, expressive, vibrato tones doesn’t mean playing in the identities of women, and fast, flashy, virtuosic passages doesn’t mean playing in the identities of men. These were ideas I had to completely dissociate myself from, and beginning to switch up my fashion presentation helped me to do this. Of course, I way overdid it with buying women’s clothes and trying new make-up, and I was basically doing the same thing as anyone approaching playing music for the first time: trying to understand my identity from first dissociating myself from typical expressions, then taking subjective critical analysis from that point forward to have my identity guide my expressions. In the case of someone approaching music for the first time, the dissociation is simply moving from not playing music to trying to play music. In my gender exploration, the dissociation is dressing like a man to dressing like a woman.

I am lucky to be able to have another outlet to be performative in, and because of this outlet I felt so much subjective critical analysis going on in such little time over my gender identity and life experience, with so many memories, realization, and re-associations coming in a whirlwind.

Sometimes, it was frightening and horrifying to look at. The memories of fear using the bathroom at school, and how it caused painful digestive problems. The obscure diagnosis of a learning disorder based in cognitive dissonance, and the test for autism that came up negative. Being overweight because I was depressed, anxious, and trying to eat like a man. Under eating because of jealousy towards thin women’s bodies in media and trying to alleviate digestive problems. Masturbation rooted in dysphoria and paranoia, and seldom ever out pleasure. Mostly out of fear of the homophobic, transphobic environment of my hometown, and excusing myself every time for watching pornography because “Christian sex education” said men are naturally more sex-driven than women. The feelings that keeping testosterone off of me would make me more functional in that environment. The many moments it was of comfort for me to tuck, and the moments of make belief in a woman’s body that seemed comforting.

Sometimes, it was matter-of-fact and disciplinary. Learning how to find more order to my eating patterns, because I needed to work out of those toxic behaviors. Finding how to enjoy my queer sensuality and sexuality. Finding no emotional attachment to the clothes I’m wearing, and letting that guide me towards being assured I can wear any fabric I want.

Then, sometimes it was stunningly beautiful to look at. Music pointing me in the direction to love my body and weight, because I knew physical health was important for playing a wind instrument. Music allowing me to be perceived as any, all, or no genders. The many activities I was pushed around in as a kid, but sticking with music partially because it was the only activity I could pass in as a man. Though I’m not a man, I’m always touched by the utter sensitivity and flexibility of gender perception with the cis men I work with in music. I never felt that different from those men because we are channeling all those many influences in our performances. I just have different ways to dissociate and re-associate within my everyday life that the cis men do. I just have a different story: I am non-binary transgender, I experience dysphoria, and music is the space in which I have reclaimed my relationship towards my body.

As these moments washed over me, I finally felt the magic happening in my playing. I started letting the identities, stories, pure images, and pure sounds of influences inform my more advanced and nuanced expressions of sound in the music.

When I performed in the Concerto and Aria competition and became one of the winners, I felt something beautiful in that performance: just me, and a saxophone, comfortable in my own body, clothes, make-up, pronouns, and identity, seeing just a self-image of myself in my head, with a pure “auditory image” to go along with it. And it’s a stable self-image and voice I’m finally feeling arising in many other situations outside of the world of music. When I performed the Maslanka Concerto with the Wind Ensemble in February, I reached a level of connection with people that I’ve been dreaming of my entire life.

[genogenocrazycatman]

Chicky - Final Fantasy XV (Prompto x Unnamed Female Character)

“I’m not giving birth to a chocobo!“

Author’s Note: So, I am obsessed with Prompto, and decided to write something about him. That being said, I have written and rewritten it like thirty-five times and I fucking hate it, but I’m posting anyways, because fuck it why not. 

I never thought that I would sing at the royal wedding. At first it was simple, because I had no connection to Lady Lunafreya or Prince Noctis. I was just a commoner, but then Insomnia fell, the prince came to Altissia and Leviathan was unleashed. The oracle was killed, and I having proven myself an asset joined Noctis and the others on their journey to take back what was theirs. Still with no bride, I never thought that I was going to sing at the royal wedding. Then the world went dark, and the wedding was just a distant memory.

Fortunately, Noct brought back the light, and the gods brought back both him and Lunafreya, and with both of them came work (lots and lots of work) and a wedding. I was definitely more excited about the wedding.

The harpist began to delicately pull the strings of his instrument, the gentle sound starting the process.

The couple made their way to the dance floor, bowing and curtsying to each other as had been the tradition for generations, before beginning their dance, just as I sang the first note.

“When the night has come

And the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we’ll see

No I won’t be afraid

Oh, I won’t be afraid

Just as long as you stand, stand by me”

 Oh Noctis. He had been dreading this dance. He’d dreaded quite a bit about the wedding actually. Feeling that it was wrong to have such an event, when much of the kingdom still needed to recover. Fortunately the boys were able to make him see that this was exactly what everyone needed, an event to show that it was over that we truly could return to normal, something that would make the people feel good.

“So darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand, stand by me

Stand by me”

 He and Lunafreya moved with such grace and dignity around the dance floor. It was truly a sight to behold.

Both looked impeccable in their wedding garb. The way the light hit them, accenting the gold and stones, as well as the airiness of the new queen’s dress made them seem more like spirits than humans, like at any second they could fizzle out. It was like a dream that would leave us all in awe of even after we woke up.

“If the sky that we look upon

Should tumble and fall

Or the mountain should crumble to the sea

I won’t cry, I won’t cry

No, I won’t shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

“And darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand now, stand by me

Stand by me”

I took the instrumental section of the song to take a quick glance around the room, taking in everything. I had no clue, who most of these people were.

Gladio of course stood above most of the crowd, his arms wrapped around his missus’s, who he was gazing lovingly at.

Ignis was still at his seat, but I could see the small smile that was gracing his features.

Prompto was standing on top of something that I was sure Ignis would yell at him for later, camera trained on the pair dancing.  

I smiled, and almost teared up, because somehow we all made it.

The music swelled and I rejoined.

“Darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me

Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me

Oh stand by me, won’t you stand now, oh, stand

Stand by me

 “Darling, darling

Stand by me, oh stand by me

Oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me

Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me

Oh stand by me, won’t you stand now, oh, stand

Stand by me”

The song came to a close and the couple’s movements came to a halt. We all applauded the two.

I was quickly handed a flute of champagne. I waited until the cheers calmed down, before catching everyone’s attention and introducing myself.  

“It was years ago in Altissia that I first met, King Noctis. There were rumors that he was coming to Altissia. A less than favorable character had put a price on his head and some of my former associates had planned to collect, so I spent the day chasing them around, beating some respect for the Lucian crown into them. He busted me on the last one. At first I was amazed. He was so strong, hiding his pain with a bratty emo kid act. Then I realized that he was just a whiny emo brat.” Noct rolled his eyes, but chuckled along with the rest of the crowd. “That amazement never left. I was given the privilege of joining our king and his companions, and to help bring peace back to the world. I have watched him fight through hardship and heartbreak. He is a man willing to give up everything to protect what matters most. I am proud to call you my king, and my friend. I wish you, your wife, your marriage and your kingdom much love, happiness and prosperity in the years to come.” I raised the glass. “To King Noctis and Queen Lunafreya!”

The crowd repeated my words, raising their glasses.

I put mine to my lip, tipping it, but never letting the liquid hit my tongue. I placed the glass on one of the server’s trays as I exited. As I rejoined the crowd I was greeted by a ridiculous number of people. I was compliment on my voice and my toast. I thanked them politely, never letting myself get caught up in a conversation for too long.

I needed air, between the lights and all of the people, it was getting to be a bit too much.

I stepped outside onto one of the balconies and took a deep breath.

“You know, you’re not supposed to upstage the best man,” Prompto said, coming up behind me. He rested his palms on the balcony ledge in front of me. He rested his chin on my shoulder.

I felt my heart flutter. It was amazing that even little stuff like that could still affect me.  I reached up and stroked the side of his face.

“I’m not supposed to upstage the bride or groom. The best man is fair game,” I said, spinning around and wrapping my arms around his neck.

“You couldn’t cut me a little slack?” he whined, bringing his hands to my waist.

“Nope,” I said, pecking him on the lips.

“I can’t stay mad at you,” he said, kissing me. “Especially, when you look so beautiful.”

The design of the gown was simple, no embroidery, sequins, or stones just flowing fabric that pooled on the floor. Yellow fabric, chocobo yellow fabric.

“I thought you’d like it. You’re not too bad yourself,” I replied, pulling at the lapels of his jacket.

“You know,” he started. “I was thinking with Noct back and on the throne and now married, and the daemons almost entirely wiped out, and the kingdom finally getting back on its feet, you and I could finally get around to planning that wedding.”

I lifted my hand to look at the ring on it. “I guess after seven years, it’s time that this guy got a partner,” I teased. “But I have some conditions.”

“Okay…”

“First, no rushing. We’re waiting a year and a half at least. We need time to plan, and I don’t want

my wedding day to be marked by Gladio making fun of me by saying ‘She’s huge.’”

“Why would he-”

I hadn’t meant for that slip, at least not yet. With all of his responsibilities as best man, I figured it would be best wait. His job for the most part was over, so now was as god of a time as any. Plus, it was getting harder and harder to keep the secret, partially, because there was no way to quietly throw up every morning, and partially, because I just really wanted to tell him.

I acted like he hadn’t asked me anything. “Plus, I think it would be nice if the little one was at the wedding.”

I ignored Prompto and continued talking. “Plus I think it would be nice if the little one could be in the wedding.”

“Little one?” he asked.

I just grinned at him, waiting for him to get it.

“Like a baby?”

I nodded.

“You’re pregnant?” he asked, face a mix of shock and disbelief.

“Yeah,” I said.

He was quiet for a moment seemingly stunned.

“Prom, you alri-“

He kissed me, catching me off guard.

“You’re pregnant,” he said, when we parted. He was grinning like an idiot and his eyes sparkled brighter than I had ever seen them sparkle before. “I’m gonna be a dad.”

“You are,” I confirmed.

He hugged me tight, then let me go, dropping so that his face was in front of my stomach, one hand on either side. “Hey, Little One,” he said.  

He was so cute that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the little one couldn’t hear him yet.

“I’m gonna be your dad,” he continued. “I promise you that you are going to be the most loved baby of all time, I’m never going to let anything hurt you or your mommy, and you’ll never be alone, ever, no matter what-“

I chuckled. “Prom, you do realize that you have time right? You don’t have to promise the kid the world all in one shot.”

“Gotta make sure the little chicky knows that-“

“I’m not giving birth to a chocobo!” I said, flicking the side of Prom’s head.

His eyes lit up again, and I just knew what he was thinking.

I held my finger up to stop him from speaking. “We are not discussing chocobo riding yet.”

“But we will discuss it,” he said.

“Yes, we will discuss it,” I conceded. I ran my hand through his hair. “You know, we have a wedding reception to return to.”

“I’d rather stay out here with you two,” he said.

“I’d rather we stay out here too, but just think about it, once the reception’s over it’s just you me and Little One. Plus, I’m sure you’re missing a lot of really good shots.”

“You’re right,” he said, standing up. He pulled out his camera and then pulled me in close. “Say cheese.”

I smiled at his antics, letting him take the selfie, before shoving him to go back inside. “Let’s go. I wanna see them cut the cake.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I wrapped mine around his waist and together we returned to the reception.