#and overall dan DOES know what he has he knows he's safe

[diphowell]

dan talking about how his first 18 years failed him vs dan being in a stable and safe relationship for 15 years and still looking at his partner like he's his world

[verstappentime]

for the divorce au, how's the friends situation? daniel said a little bit about it in one of the snippets you posted but how much do they know and who's siding with who (if they're siding with someone)? ❤️

i am loving that y'all want to yap about divorce verse i love them 😭

max doesn't really lose any of their mutual friends because he really needs people. he's had his accident and he's going through so much, adjusting to the ongoing physical symptoms and being out of F1 and losing what would've been his first championship, and now he's lost daniel. everyone's just too worried about him to consider daniel and if dan was hurt too. most of them are like 'these idiots are making each other sad when they don't have to be' but overall just want to stand by max, bc he needs it.

max doesn't actually tell anyone anything mean about daniel. he's just sad.

i also think a lot of drivers have not a clue what the fuck happened. nico notices how thin and tired daniel is and asks him "did verstappen break your heart or something?" but mostly people let him play it off. a lot of them still ask him how max's injury is and he answers like he knows.

i think lando stays friendly with both of them bc he's just kind of conflict-adverse.

charles & max are closer here than IRL and he obviously gravitates towards max bc he actually does have Opinions on daniel and thinks he's messed up. (he thinks dan should've said no to red bull, tells him at the end of the day racing is just pretend, aliens or god or whoever don't care if we win trophies, we don't take them to the grave, no one cared what team jules drove for when he was gone, you should have picked max. daniel maintains max didn't ask for that.)

daniel has so many friends outside of f1 and he kind of just gravitates towards them bc he knows he's their priority. so like blake scotty etc.

the one person who rly stays loving them both is GP, who takes another role at red bull and guides max somewhere safe when he gets a headache visiting the track and asks daniel if he's alright and notices when daniel starts to feel weird about being there.

and max's mom and sister stay loving daniel, they feel safe knowing he's nearby to max in a pinch and they know it's all just a mess and no one's fault <3

[ultrahpfan5blog]

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is a Dumb Fun movie....

with a capital D and a capital F. There is absolutely no doubt that this is a very dumb movie. As always, the human characters are essentially exposition machines with ridiculous dialogue and the whole native human mythology doesn't even really make any sense, but damn if it isn't fun. When the monsters start fighting each other, its just glorious to watch. Watching Kong essentially ride Godzilla on the big screen, is something that is always worth watching. The film also gives us a fair share of monsters. Some for short scenes only, like Scylla and Tiamat, but there is also the welcome return of Mothra, not to mention many other random creatures in Hollow Earth. But the main monsters hold center stage. Like with GvK, Kong is the primary character, but Godzilla does get to kick ass. Skar King was primarily a Kong villain, with Shimo acting as his enslaved pet, forced to do his bidding. Shimo ended up being oddly cute and innocent. There is a bit of issue of scale. Because about 70% of the movie takes place in hollow earth, Kong looks oddly small, because of the size of the environment. Its only in the climax you realize how big he is and all these other creatures are.

With regards to the human characters, poor Rebecca Hall is basically a mouthpiece for exposition as the central MONARCH character for this film. I do have a bit of a frustration with these Monsterverse movies due to the lack of continuity between characters. Yes, Brian and Rebecca return, but Alexander Skarsgard, who was established as the head of the hollow earth monitoring at the end of the last movie, is gone without a trace. Kyle Chandler, who was a MONARCH head honcho, is also not even mentioned. Kaylee Hottle as Jia has a expanded role and there is some attempt at drama between Jia and Ilene, but its not something that makes an impression. Dan Stevens and Brian Tyree Henry end up making more of an impression with some fun humor and good banter and chemistry. Outside of these 4, no other major human characters. It was nice to not have to deal with human villains, like in GvK and KOTM.

I would say that WIngard manages to achieve what he set out to do. Which is to make a movie that is fun. I think its safe to say that Monsterverse is never going to have particularly deep characters. This is not going to be, nor is it attempting to be, Godzilla Minus One. I will commend the movie for giving some pretty long stretches of scenes with essentially no humans, and hence, no dialogue, with the creatures just expressing emotion through facial expression. I will give credit to the CGI artists for doing a very commendable job. If I had to compare to previous films, I would say GvK is slightly better made. There is less going on in GvK, while GxK throws a lot at the screen. The initial portions feel a little sluggish because the amount of exposition thrown at the screen, but when it gets down to monsters fighting, Wingard knows what he is doing, and there is a fair bit of it.

Overall, this was like a 7-7.5/10. Obviously, this is a film that some people will hate. You need to be able to embrace the dumbness to really have fun with this film.

[my-midnight-musings-xoxo]

Major spoilers for MadK!

---

We're returning to MadK, as promised. Makoto is one of my favorite manga characters, there's so much to him and I utterly adore the character writing in this story. I don't know if I've said this before but no one in MadK is a perfect victim, something I've noticed people expect, even subconsciously. Makoto is far from the perfect, even ideal victim if you view it in how people believe victims "should" appear. To refrain from a tangent, let's move on to his design!

(Laby has a great video essay on Jinx that dives into multiple topics including how Dan isn't viewed as a victim because he isn't a "real" victim, highly recommend it).

First the bolo tie. I've mentioned before how it represents J passing on his trauma. Still, in my research to find more symbolism for it I found it was appropriated by Westerners, specifically cowboys and ranchers because of course it was, leading to its worldwide fame. If you want to learn more, Palms Trading Company has an article on its history. I'm going to view the passing of it on to Makoto as an allegory, but that doesn't mean we're finished!

Kiernan's wings. In Japanese culture dragons don't fly as often as Chinese ones do hence they're depicted more serpent-like. I don't believe I'm qualified to deep dive into the symbolism through a cultural lens, so I'll analyze through a story and characters lens.

An interaction that stuck with me after I finished reading was Makoto confronting Kiernan about his..infatuation turned love (this is in Vol 3 Chapter 17 towards the end). Makoto says outright, "I belong to him, which is what makes me so attractive to you. You know you'll never make me yours. You pine. You feel safe." Kiernan partly agrees, thinking that now it's more like being with J himself. Both fail to gain what they truly want from each other, they want J through the other. Kiernan never achieves getting J, but Makoto does at the very end, becoming him only worsens this fate. Taking the wings from someone as obsessed with J as he is serves to contribute to figuratively and literally reaching J. In Vol 2 Chapter 12 after Makoto takes Kiernan's wings he flies up to J, along their wings spread out it's clear he's slowly but surely climbing up to J's position. He asserts he's not going to become a demon like he wants, despite him doing just that. Destroying himself entirely to mold himself into exactly what J wanted, what he was.

The werewolf teeth aren't talked about often, but I find them interesting. Werewolves aren't really a part of Japanese mythology, so I'll be analyzing this generally. They symbolize the duality of humanity and primality, along with repressed desires and the struggle with said desires. It's usually a curse that can be dealt with through a silver bullet. Through some skimming, apparently, that's a myth? Silver represents purity, protection, and along with other things it's associated with the moon. Werewolves turn beneath a full moon. Overall the moon is a symbol of emotion, with full moons symbolizing heightened emotions, completion, and transformation. The sun and moon are direct opposites in this position, adding to the dichotomy of werewolves.

J and Makoto reflect and oppose each other perfectly. Both are clearly victims, both destroyed by decades (even centuries) of suffering, and both reflect their inner child. Both wanted to be truly loved. In a way, they found each other. In J's case, he shed his facade, revealing a lonely child who simply wanted love, the very notion distorted from years of abuse, even from Kiernan, someone who was supposed to love him. We get little information about their relationship, and I know they're demons, but it's still tragic. Makoto lost himself the way J did, becoming nobody.

This manga is wonderful and has endless content to analyze and muse about! The day I can hold it in my hands I'll be over the moon, I just don't want to have to explain to my parents what depravity I've bought ehe.

I hope this was sufficient, or at least interesting to read. Not quite sure what I'll muse about next. I have a draft about MadK and how it'd function as a musical, unfortunately I have next to none musical theater knowledge so that probably won't be posted for a while. Maybe I'll muse over certain scenes I'd like in MadK.

Hope to post this weekend, no promises <3

[shining-gem34]

Overdue 2.2 Main Story Quest Commentary. I won't go into FULL details cause I'll lose my mind trying to remember it all. Anything I do forget that I want to note, I'll add it later.

HSR Spoilers Undercut

6-8 hours long, that was a CHONKY quest because wtf???? Overall, I fucking loved the pace of the story and the dynamics between characters we have.

The Three Nameless- That was the Astral Express original goal for arriving in Penacony. ;w; It turns out the three were trying their best to help Penacony when it started to show signs of instability and The Family attempting to revive a Ena for "perfect world". I knew!!! Misha was related to the Watchmaker or is the Watchmaker successor, and he didn't know it yet that's why Gallagher is looking after him.

I didn't expect to get kicked in the balls and beaten black and blue finding out Misha is THE Watchmaker himself. ;w; How many years did Mikhail fight for Penacony after leaving the Express? How many years did he wait for the Nameless to appear? How many years did Misha wait???

I just love that we got more Astral Express lore; that even if their journey ends, another will pick up where they left off and continue to blaze their path throughout the universe.

Misha, now that his journey has ended, can finally rest and may his spirit forever be with the Astral Express. ;w;

Boothill and Dan Heng dynamics- I figured they would get along or at least enough to accomplish their goals after the first meeting aka confrontation at gunpoint. NGL, I did expect for them to like fight fight in the Astral Express while Pom-Pom hides. ;w; They were surprisingly a funny duo where Dan Heng is seemingly reserved in his methods (and using brute force as a last measure- *stares at all the times Dan Heng has been violent*) and Boothill has more "aggressive" (street smart) ways to get things done. It's kind of like a good cop and bad cop situation. In general, Boothill is very observant as he noted Dan Heng is obviously worried about his companions but I'll go over my general opinion of Boothill in another post. owo

Regarding Robin and Sunday, because this main story quest really REALLY reminded me The Family is indeed a cult. I was very immersed by Robin and Sunday ideologies using the bird analogy. Robin, who believed the bird should be free to spread their wings while Sunday thinks it's better to take care of the bird inside a cage so they never get hurt. They contradict each other, but they clearly care each other ALOT as they only had each other since their parents died.

We've seen Robin struggles as a cosmic idol, and as we heard in Sunday flashback the dangers she faced too, but it never stopped her in pursuing her dream. She loves singing, and she wanted to spread Harmony throughout the universe (like a missionary). Then we see Sunday, who remained in Penacony, his struggles.

Considering the Family is a cult and a Stellaron does exist, but more on The Family (The DreamMaster) influence on Sunday growing up. The Family ideology, their goals, and Sunday experience that solidify his ideals are correct. People are better happy in a sweet dream where there's no pain or suffering; no different than a cage.

Strangely enough, I can't bring myself to hate Sunday for that, even when he betrayed Robin during the interrogation. ;w; It's more like WHYYY SUNDAY- JUST WHHYYYY I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU (affectionately). I just understand Sunday motivations did not come from malice, but he genuinely wanted to help people in his own way like Robin is doing. However, even though his reasoning sounds right, there is just something off about it entirely.

Sunday idea is basically yes, they're safe and happy in an eternal dream. But is it really what people want in the end? To stay in a dream forever where there's nothing to give them growth as a person and they'll stagnant?

There's also the issue, that FireFly pointed out, that someone still needs to remain awake while the entire universe dreams. In the end, it is not paradise but an escape from reality.

Robin ideals is the opposite, because she thinks about what people truly want. Yes, it is good that Penacony dreams do help people find temporary relief. But that's all it is: Temporary. They cannot escape the reality of their problems forever. Yet that is what makes staying in a dream so tempting, right? Because you don't have to face your problems.

That's why, during the escape from the dream portion, it was important that the people want to wake up on their own terms and not have the party do it for them. I believe the inspiration of giving people strength, the courage to face life [reality], is what Robin songs do.

For me, the Sunday vs. Robin + Astral Express Crew is like a battle of whose ideals are stronger.

SPEAKING OF WHICH???

Dude. DudeDudeDude???

This was my face the entire time the boss fight was happening.

The first round with the boss right where Dan Heng and Jing Yuan showed up together to kick ass and take names? Still my favorite cutscene, but I did FEEL something off about the entire segment after that.

Like, wasn't it too early to use the Jade of Abacus? Isn't Jing Yuan too involved in this process? Wasn't it too excessive of a force for Dan Heng to call the Xianzhou??? (Will go into details about Dan Heng decision in another post including his overall involvement in Penacony now).

Then with the IPC explaining what will happen with the Family and then Black Swan and Boothill temporarily joining the Astral Express.

It felt like everything is too good to be true. There were too many loose ends (Robin, Acheron, etc.) that hasn't been explained.

Then Black Swan enters our dream(??). She helped us figure out the anomaly in our memories. She helped push us to think and think what was wrong, because this sweet dream is too good to be real. And then, we woke up. Not the reality, but the reality of the bleak situation we're in thanks to Black Swan + Acheron (and Acheron credits it to Firefly).

ALSO BOOTHILL AND DAN HENG HAVING ENOUGH STRONG WILL TO BREAK THROUGH AND JOIN US AAAAA. ALSO DAN HENG STOP SUGGESTING THE JADE ABACUS, EVEN BOOTHILL IS JUST TIRED OF IT.

It's pretty interesting to think about Acheron as like a guard to the land of the dead. She's an Emanator of Nihility, and has enough power to decimate Penacony dream world. OwO ALSO THE SCENE WITH ACHERON TALKING TO TIERNAN, one of the other Nameless who disappeared. ;w; Man, it do be feeling like the Nameless has connected everyone from different parts of the universe to a singular moment...

The cutscenes of Acheron cutting the dream is beautiful. AND THE KIANA AND MEI REFERENCE IN HI3 WHERE SHE GRABS TRAILBLAZER HAND AAA. AND BOOTHILL SUMMONING THE OTHER GALAXY RANGERS, and they really did come. Really hope we might get to see one of them before we leave for Penacony but highly doubt it'll happen anytime soon.

AND THEN BACK TO THE BOSS FIGHT. Like the Trailblazer woke up, the entire Astral Express crew is waking up- I saw Dan Heng hand on Himeko, helping her shrug off the sleepiness and March 7th is just waking up too! And it looks like Welt was already awake by the time.

;w; The Boss Battle though with Robin appearing to help us all with her power and clash against Sunday music. AND WE CAN SUMMON A TRAIN AS OUR SUPPORT. I do love everytime we summon the train, there is like different quotes starting from Welt, Himeko, Dan Heng, and March 7th. 3: Unfortuantely I don't know if we get to hear Trailblazer or PomPom quotes either (since this is only story mode). But it was super neat!

AT THE END WHERE ROBIN IS HUGGING SUNDAY as if to say "I got you" and "You're not alone anymore in this", and Sunday accepting her hug. ;w; They still care and love each other deeply to want to help each other still. The siblings are making me chiken tendy.

Also I was like very blue-balled at the end with the cliffhanger of Boothill threatening Aventurine for Oswaldo cause: AVENTURINE WOKE UP AND IS SAFE AND SOUND. NOw I just wonder what the heck did he see after we last saw him at the end of 2.1.

Bonus:

-I very much enjoy seeing Firefly with us again for a short-time. She really got along with the AE crew for a while. NGL, I can probably see her as a Nameless in the future. But also, Firefly clearly has her own goals and reasons to join Destiny Slave. She's not leaving the Stellaron Hunters so easily. I just hope nothing happens to her considering her script said she will experience "Three Deaths" in Penacony. We saw one already. ;w;

-The fucking Death Meme is actually just a overgrown puppy helping people get into uhhh...Dream Reefs (will correct spelling later). They still are terrifying tho ngl.

-Blade and Firefly exchange scene during the Jepello incident. ;w; They're very alike in a way that they're looking for a place to die. Also the small banter between them in the car, and Blade having a drivers license isn't a surprise. BUT ALSO MY MAN IN A SUIT AAAAAAA

-Gallagher fate; I know the "Gallagher" we met is just a fictional character created by the Fictionalist(?) in the dream. But it seemed like he and Mikhail are very close friends. ;w; I wonder what the real Gallagher is like...

-The moment where Xipe eyes opened and THEIR gaze landed on the Trailblazer is like amazing. THEY basically said "fuck you haha" to Sunday and The Family following Ena. LMFAO. But also rather meaningful since the AE and Firefly (and others) are united to fight back what they believe is wrong.

Phew I think that's it for now. Holy moly this turned out so long. ;w;

[alittledizzy]

I love how Dan agonised over how much of his life he should share, the morality of lying, and the impact that it has on his own personal identity. And Phil would absolutely tell us that he has a wife and two kids and not miss a blink of sleep over it.

Dan really did get that one right, didn't he? Phil will lie to anyone, Phil does not give a shit. I And like - we use the word 'lie' but really it's just Phil understanding his own boundary with an audience and knowing what he wants to keep personal vs. what he wants to share. If telling us he had a wife and two kids made him happier in his personal life, made him feel more secure and confident in his relationship or more safe overall, he wouldn't fucking hesitate.

[ectoamerican]

Misc. Ask Meme || accepting

///Now because I got sick my energy levels tanked and I was out for like a week. As a consequence I will be answering all of the emoji’s I got in a single long post!

@paul-ite sent: 

🌙 - What’s their sleep schedule like?

What sleep schedule? LOL But no, really. Danny barely gets any time to sleep. Between keeping up with his regular responsibilities as a teen with chores and keeping Amity Park safe from Ghosts... he might get an hour or two of sleep if he’s lucky. Usually that happens... at his desk in school... much to his teachers�� dismay. Additionally, he’s a very light sleeper. It doesn’t take much to wake him. On the very rare occasion he COULD get a full nights sleep... he actually is very likely to wake up from night terrors. Usually involving memories of his own death in the Fenton Portal or nightmares involving a canon bad ending alternate ending version of himself. (This is Dan Phantom, or Dark Danny)

🎨 - What’s their favorite color?

Danny has a lot of candidates for his favorite color. One might assume Red, since he wears a splash of it on his shirt. But, his room is uniformly .... BLUE. I know this is because it’s easier on the animation team. I go with blue. Night sky blue, specifically. If he could he would just say ‘galaxy’ as a favorite color option, however. 

🖌️ - Do they have any hobbies?

The short answer? Absolutely.  The long answer? HERE.

☕ - Coffee or tea? ( also asked by lanternslight. )

He wouldn’t say no the either of them. But out of the two he likes coffee more. It doesn’t really help keep him awake, but it’s tasty with the right amount of cream/milk/sugar.

🧸 - Do they have any stuffed animals? If so, are they decorative or do they sleep with them?

Yes! It’s a combination of the two. Most are decorative, but for the small amount of sleep he does get, it can help to stave off the nightmares to have contact with something. (there are some in his pinterest board for his bedroom. :3)

💀 - How do they feel about horror movies?

He finds most of them inaccurate or cheesy, but for him that’s part of the charm. Overall he really likes them though. He doesn’t really scare easily considering what he is and what his daily life is like. so It would take more psychological horror types of movies to actually make him feel some sense of dread.

@lanternslight sent: 

🎢 - Do they like amusement parks? What’s their favorite ride?

Danny loves amusement parks! Especially if he has someone to enjoy the park with. His favorite rides are usually the biggest coasters or the Ferris wheels. 

☂️ - How do they feel about rain?

He doesn’t particularly like being in the rain. But he likes the sound of it. He likes the sound of thunder too. seeing lightning? Not so much. Reminds him a little too much of when he died. 

🗣️ - How do they handle public speaking?

That entirely depends on the situation and subject matter. School presentation? About something he doesn’t particularly care for? He’ll probably do terrible. About something he loves? He’ll do great. If it’s to inspire others, it depends on if there’s some kind of immediate danger. He tries harder if it means others will be safer for it. 

🤡 - What’s something dumb they’re embarrassed about?

Well, his family. There’s two sides to this coin, however. He’s embarrassed by them. And also embarrassed he may not measure up to their intellect. It’s difficult to not see other people in town make fun of his parents and not take notice of it. On the other hand, Danny rightfully considers his family to be geniuses.

💝 - What gestures do they really appreciate? How do you get on their good side?

The thing here is... there aren’t many that he doesn’t appreciate. Any kind of positive gesture depending on who you are (really as long as you aren’t Vlad Masters) will work for him. He likes hugs/touch, gifts, words of affirmation or validation. He just craves positive relationships with others, platonic or otherwise.... likely because he doesn’t get much of it outside of his very very small friend group and family.

@brokentoys​ and paul-ite sent: 

🤔 - What’s something they’ll never understand?

Why he’s so disliked.  He understands why Phantom isn’t. To the people of Amity Park Phantom is just another trouble making ghost, especially after he was framed for kidnapping their old mayor.  What he won’t ever understand is why the people of Amity Park, his peers at school especially, dislike Danny Fenton so much. For sometime, he thought maybe it was the family he came from. After all, people openly mocked and made fun of them for their career choice. (even though ghost hunters are so sorely needed in this place. :/ ) But, Danny decided there must just be something wrong with him personally. Mostly because nobody seemed to hold the same level of disdain for his sister as they did for him. 

[agentnico]

Prey (2022) Review

Plot: A skilled Comanche warrior protects her tribe from a highly evolved alien predator that hunts humans for sport, fighting against wilderness, dangerous colonisers and this mysterious creature to keep her people safe.

Shockingly enough, I haven’t actually seen any of the other Predator films prior to this. Obviously I’ve seen clips of Arnie screaming his signature line “GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!” and also have heard about the hatred towards those Alien vs Predator spin-offs, but overall I’ve been pretty oblivious to this science fiction franchise. However here comes Prey, which is presented as a prequel of sorts as well as a bit of a reinvention for the franchise, so as to get new fans (such as myself) interested in the property. A soft reboot so to speak. As such, this movie very much brings it back to the basics. Of course there are action sequences and plenty of gore, however it is literally the one Predator against a few Comanche people, so it is fairly self contained. There is good tension and atmosphere created, and I must say I really enjoyed it. Was also nice seeing the Native American culture being brought so respectively (not the French though, they get the short end of the stick in this one), and overall this is a decent monster action movie.

The issue mainly lies in the film’s release tactic. Why isn’t this being shown in theatres? From my awareness the Predator franchise makes enough money, so the fact that Disney dumped it straight on their streaming services is confusing. Especially since this movie would have worked really well on the big screen. There are quite a few action set pieces set in the dark that would have been very beneficial and worked more powerfully in a cinema. And there isn’t much dialogue either, so the film focuses more on bringing the visual spectacle, however that spectacle in diminished by only being available to watch on Hulu or Disney+. I don’t know, just seems mindboggling is all.

Overall though this is a suspenseful thriller that really threw itself to its central theme of survival. Half of the time you end up sitting there wondering who actually is the predator and who is the prey? I mean, yes the Predator is obviously the predator, but I must say a few of the Comanches get some real good hits in there, and I’m not just talking about the main girl. All the Natives in this are super cool. Would I call this the best monster movie ever? No, like, it is what it is. It’s yet another Predator movie. But it’s a solid good time, Dan Trachtenberg who previously helmed 10 Cloverfield Lane has a solid eye for attention to the details, so I look forward to seeing what he does next. Anyway - Prey, check it out! As long as you don’t mind the gore. There’s a lot of blood spilled and heck a lot of decapitations. 

Overall score: 7/10

[extremelyblackandwhite]

handmaid - 37

PAIRING: mob!sebastian stan x ingenue!reader

WARNINGS: age gap

A/N: this chapter is gonna be the last one and i think i’m gonna need therapy for attachment. finished this chapter after seeing seb’s baby pictures and now i think i need double the therapy. hope you enjoy this chapter, it has been such a pleasure to write for you, it’s been my absolute honour to read all the comments and to offer you this story. thank you so so much for all your support x

A YEAR LATER

Y/N woke up in her bedroom with the sounds of birds chirping, the signs that another spring day was starting to wake up in Paris. Extending her arms, she remained under her weighted blanket for a while, watching the chandelier above their bed. It had been a wedding present from her mother’s part of the family and while both her and Sebastian thought it was a bit too much, they eventually got their contractor to install it in their bedroom in their Paris apartment. It had taken a bit of time to get used to but now she had the ritual of waking up and watching the sun create little rainbows through the clear crystal of the chandelier.

After she felt her awake status surround her whole being, she left her bed, grabbing her dressing gown and wrapping herself around it before taking to the room next to her. Slowly and carefully, she pulled on the handle of the door down, opening it. Her eyes came in contact with the peaceful grey colours of the walls slightly decorated with small little ivory coloured clouds. Coming in closer, she let her hips slightly hit the white crib where the one year old was standing, wide awake with the ear of Sebastian’s old toy bunny, Oreo, in his mouth. 

    - Hello my little bunny. - she smiled down at her son who, recognising his mother’s voice, immediately started to giggle, extending his arms up to be picked up by her. Y/N merely smiled, extending her own arms towards his crib to pick him and hold him against her chest. - Let’s go have breakfast. Can you say breakfast?

    - Dada. - he said with a smile that showed he was proud of himself. She rolled her eyes at the word, if there was something Sebastian had done perfectly was make sure their son’s first word would be dada and while Y/N had been trying to make sure Nate spoke anything else, he only proudly said dada much to her nuisance. Y/N merely smiled as she rolled her eyes, getting him off his grey onesie and into a white shirt with little train drawings and some dark jean overalls. - Dada, dada!

    - Say mumma. - she laughed, holding him close as she took to the kitchen where Amelia was starting to cook some breakfast. - Mumma. 

    - Dadda! - he broke out in laughter, wrapping his chubby arms around his mother’s neck. Y/N merely smiled, sitting down on her chair and pulling the high chair with her foot, popping the tray off so she could sit the baby down who was never happy whenever she strapped him to his high chair which is why Sebastian normally did it himself, but as of today he was still in New York dealing with some business transaction gone wrong. Normally Y/N would’ve travelled along with him but ever since Nate had been born, she had been paranoid someone would try and harm him.

    - Morning, Mrs. Stan. - Amelia placed a plate of Y/N’s favourite breakfast, poached egg on mushrooms in front of her and a blue plate of slice bananas in front of baby Nate whose hands immediately went for the slices. - Are you sure you don’t want me to bake the cake for baby Nathaniel?

   - Your holiday started yesterday, Amelia. You shouldn’t even be here.

  - It’s baby Nathaniel’s birthday. 

  - So it isn’t due to my husband? - she raised an eyebrow at the maid. - You don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be fine. 

  - Mr. Stan is worried.

  - Mr. Stan is always worried. - to say that Sebastian had upped security since the ill fated Mr. Williams incident was an understatement. If Y/N left the house to go to the bakery, four armed men would follow her around with one in front, one in the back and two on each side. Yet, that was nothing compared to when Nathaniel went outside. She guessed it was a regular thing, after all her small little ball of sunshine was the one who would one of day solely inherit her mother’s fortune, her father’s family and Sebastian’s too. Either way, he was excessive with protection and she should’ve guessed he wouldn’t have allowed her to be alone with their son for a long while. Before she could try and convince the hardworking full time maid to take her much deserved holiday, Nate grabbed his plastic plate, smashing his face against the banana slices making her choke in a laugh. - Alright bunny, that’s enough bananas. 

  - Don’t be upset at him, Mrs. Stan. 

 - I won’t if you take your holiday. - Y/N pushed her plate away from her, walking to her son’s high chair. Nate extended his chubby arms towards her, cooing to be removed from it which she complied to, holding him to her chest as she walked over to the living room that was filled with toys and other things belonging to Nate. He was spoiled but in this Y/N couldn’t completely blame Sebastian as she could be even as bad as him when it came to fullfilling her son’s requests. 

Placing him on his baby matt, Nate turned onto his belly crawling over to her mother’s knees, looking up at her with a look that could only be described as cheeky. Y/N lowered to her knees, watching as Nathaniel crawled around happily with his toy bunny. He still didn’t say much and was still learning to how to walk, instead putting himself up on his legs, holding onto the couch before eventually collapsing to the ground. Speaking of which, the one year hold grasped onto the white leather and pulling himself off the ground and on his chubby legs, the other hand firmly gripping onto the bunny’s ears.

   - Do you wanna try and walk all the way to mumma? - she asked the blue eyed baby who looked away from her and back again. - Go on, come to mumma.

Nate looked at her with confusion, the eyes he had definitely inherited from his father looking around the room almost as if he was preparing to fall into a pit of fire. With Oreo clenched by the ear, he let go of the couch, standing on his chubby baby legs. Before he could take another step, he went tumbling towards the ground yet Y/N was faster than that, moving so she could catch her baby before he got hurt. As he collapsed on her lap, he turned his head up to look at his mother, pouty lips and tear filled eyes. 

    - It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. - she pushed the brown curls away from his face, leaning down to kiss the top of his head. - It’s okay, mumma will always be here to catch you. 

    - Mumma. - he babbled, burying his head on her chest.

    - What did you say? - she looked down in disbelief but before the baby could say it again the front door opened, a very familiar voice coming through.

   - Where’s the birthday boy? - Y/N rolled her eyes, picking Nate up and getting up before walking to the entrance where Sebastian was taking his jacket off, placing away his gun before his wife could complain to him about weapons near the baby. His eyes shined with pride as he watched Y/N stand in front of him, holding their son on her arms, who had taken to hide his face in the middle of her hair. - Someone’s shy today.

   - Guess what. - she walked closer to him, pecking him quickly. - Nate said mumma. 

   - No way. - Sebastian cooed at his son, caressing the top of his head. - You can say mumma, little buddy?

   - Dadda! - Nate shrilled out of pure joy, extending his arms towards him which Sebastian gladly took, kissing the side of his head. 

    - You know, Seb, next time you ask the maid to watch over me at least let me know. - she leaned against him, head on his shoulder. - My father’s security can handle me and Nate when you’re not around, I told you that a million times.

   - Can you blame me for wanting you and him to be safe? 

   - No, I can however blame you for making the hardworking maid work overtime. - she smirked. - How’s New York?

   - It’s rather bleak when you’re not there. 

   - Did you speak with my father? - she questioned, fully knowing Sebastian would probably be questioned by her family back in New York at arrival.

   - Yes and both him and Dan think it’s rude that they’re not invited to Nate’s birthday. 

    - Nate’s not getting a big birthday party, I told them.

    - I know, angel, but you know how much your father likes this little bunny. - Sebastian smiled at his son who had taking to munching his jacket’s collar, eyes looking into the ones exactly like his. - Pretty sure the only reason I’m not dead is because I’m his dad. 

    - C’mon, we need to take Nate’s cake out of the fridge and sing happy birthday before his nap time.

    - It’s his birthday, angel. Can’t he skip night time?

   - Sure, he can. However if he does then we lose night time fun as you’ll be the one to check on him when he tries to climb out the crib. 

   - Birthday cake time it is.  - he followed Y/N into the kitchen, placing his son on his play matt. The baby rolled around, hands gripping several of his toys while his father went to the kitchen, wrapping his arms around his wife’s waist, placing a kiss on her shoulder. - Did you miss me? 

    - Of course I did. - she turned around to kiss him, hands on top of his shoulders as if they hadn’t seen each other in years. - It gets awfully cold when you’re alone in a king size bed. 

   - Mhm, it does get very cold, doesn’t it? - his hands toyed around with the string that held her wrap up dress in place. - Does our son’s birthday also count as my birthday?

  - Why would it count as your birthday? - she furrowed her brows.

  - It’s the anniversary of when I became a father and I think I deserve a little present. - he leaned down to kiss her neck.

  - Well, I think th ...

  - MUMMA! - the babyish voice coming from the living room interrupted her sentence and made Y/N look over Sebastian’s shoulder to see Nate standing on his chubby legs as he took a few small steps towards the kitchen table. 

  - Oh my god. - she ducked under Sebastian’s hold to meet her son midway, grabbing the polaroid camera on the way to take a photo before he fell down or decided to sit down. - You’re walking. Nate, you’re walking!

   - What? - Sebastian turned around, joining his wife who was now sat on the ground with her arms opened towards Nate who quickly walked over to her before falling on top of her chest. - He walked, he just walked!

   - I know. - Y/N picked the baby up, kissing his little fat cheeks. - I’m so proud of you, I’m so proud of you baby Nate.

   - I can’t believe he’s walking already. We need another one.

   - Sebastian, we just had one. 

   - Yeah but he’s walking and he can say mumma and dadda. In no time he’ll be going off to university and won’t want snuggles anymore. 

   - Honey, Nate can’t say anything other than mumma and dadda, is still eating soft solids, and he doesn’t even have all his teeth yet. He won’t be going to university any time soon.

  - No, I think we need another one. A girl this time, so we have one of each.

  - Seb, darling, I don’t think that’s how it works. Besides, wouldn’t you rather wait til Nate is a bit older and doesn’t require attention all the time?

    - I know, it’s just that looking at you with our son makes me want to have at least 10 more kids.

    - I won’t push 10 more kids. - she laughed, kissing his cheek before looking down to Nate who was cuddling her and his bunny. - For now, for now I have everything I could have ever dreamed of.

   - Should we get that cake then? 

   - It’s in the fridge. - Y/N carefully got up, holding her precious baby close to her chest as Sebastian went and grabbed the little cupcake. The ex handmaid placed her son on his high chair as Sebastian put the little cupcake in front of him, lighting a single candle with his lighter which immediately caught the attention of small Nate whose eyes widened in pure joy and curiosity. 

The mob boss wrapped his arm around his wife, kissing the side of her head before the two of them started singing Happy Birthday to little Nate who was clearly more interested in the flame of his candle. Once the song came to an end, both of them cheered, clapping at the baby who looked at his parents in confusion.

  - C’mon, Nate blow the candle. - Sebastian took to be by his son’s side, making a blow motion with his lips. Nate merely turned to his mother, confused at his father’s actions. 

   - Why don’t we do it together? - Y/N stood by her son’s other side, blowing the candle together with Sebastian while Nate giggled, clapping his hands out of pure joy. - Happy Birthday, sweetheart. Mumma loves you, dadda loves you.

The rest of the day went rather uneventful, with Nate making both his parents laugh as he decided to eat the cupcake with his hands, getting his cheeks full of chocolate. He remained awake for a few hours, playing with his father while Y/N read one of her books in the couch, wondering how she’d gotten so lucky to have such a precious son and such a loving husband. As night began to make its presence known and the birthday boy became grumpy, Y/N put him back in his crib returning to the living room to see Sebastian standing on their balcony watching the Tower Eiffel’s lights. Without him noticing, she walked behind him, wrapping her arms around his torso, allowing herself to be involved by the scent of his cologne.

   - Hello there, Mrs. Stan. - he turned around in her embrace, hand going to hold hers. - How about a dance?

   - I can never say no to you, Mr. Stan.

He leaned his head to rest against the space between her neck and shoulder, free hand holding her waist as the two of them moved slowly from side to side. In that moment, no money belonging to her or to him, no empire he’d built or family she inherited mattered for in that moment he had his whole world in his arms and that ... that was enough. 

tag list: @lilya-petrichor​​ @xoxohannahlee​​ @nikkipea​​ @irespostthingsiwanttoseelater​​ @madisonpillstrom​​ @cevans98​​ @thelostallycat​​ @sideeffectsofyou​​ @anxiousdreamersworld​​ @captainchrisstan​​ @lookiamtrying​​ @sarge-barnes-sir​​ @stuffforreferences​​ @thebadassbitchqueen​​ @sebastianstansqueen​​ @nsfwsebbie​​ @strangerliaa​​ @emzd34​​ @everything-is-awesomesauce​​ @dreams-in-blxck​​ @krismeunicornbaobei​​ @buckysteveloki-me​

[five-rivers]

Childhood

Children tend to imitate the adults around them, especially those whom they admire. Mannerisms, personality traits, hobbies, and style are all up for grabs.

Does that change for children who are dead?

Why, yes.

The tendency grows stronger.

.

The changes were small, at first. Small enough that Danny didn't even notice them. No, Tucker was the first one to say anything.

The specific thing he said was: "Hey, Danny, can you turn back for a second?"

Danny, who had just then returned to human form in the safety of Tucker's attic raised an eyebrow. "Okay?" he said, complying. "What's up?"

"Your hair," said Tucker.

Danny ran his hand through the mentioned body part. "What about it?"

"It's longer," said Tucker, reaching up to tug on a lock.

"Huh," said Sam. "You're right, it is."

"Longer than what?" asked Danny.

"Than when you're human," said Sam. She grinned. "Want me to cut it for you?"

"No," said Danny. "It isn't bothering me yet, and I don't want an undercut."

"I can do more than undercuts," said Sam.

"It is sort of weird, though," said Danny. He dropped back into human form and collapsed into one of Tucker's beanbags.

"Anyway," said Tucker, "how was your trip to the Far Frozen?"

"Oh, it was great," said Danny. "Frostbite taught me some new ice things, do you want to see?"

.

The next change Danny noticed were his lips. He rarely wound up in front of a mirror as Phantom, but when he did, he found himself doing double take after double take.

Today, it was because he had gotten a fairly nasty cut and wanted to patch it up in ghost form before switching back. He had just finished that, when his reflection caught his eye.

He made a face at it, then froze.

The inside edges of his lips were faintly blue.

He floated closer to the mirror to get a better look, and pulled back his bottom lip. Danny knew he had unusual coloring for a ghost, even a young one, and that Vlad certainly hadn't kept a human coloration, despite being a half-ghost, but Danny had been hoping that he'd be an exception. Especially after the whole incident with Dan.

Danny didn't want to look anything like his so-called future self.

On closer inspection, however, the color of his lips was darker, more violet than blue, and the inside of his mouth was more or less the same color it always had been in ghost form. There were thankfully, no fangs.

Was this a side effect of his cold core? To make him look hypothermic? He wouldn't particularly mind if that was the case.

He stopped playing with his lips and put his hands down. If that were the case, where else would it show? Fingers? Toes? Ears? He pulled back his hair, which was now, admittedly, rather shaggy.

There was a very faint purple-blue blush on his ears.

"Great," he whispered. He pulled off his gloves. The discoloration was there, too, on the tips of his fingers and under his nails.

But there wasn't anything he could really do about it, other than hope it didn't spread. He sighed. At least none of this was visible in his human form.

.

"Your freckles are coming back," said Jazz.

"Ugh," said Danny, hanging upside-down on the couch. "Really?"

"Yep," said Jazz. "You should think about wearing sunblock more often when you're flying."

"I don't think that would really matter," said Danny. "My ghost half and my human half don't line up in detail."

Jazz closed her textbook. "Have you checked?"

"Checked what?"

"Whether or not your ghost form has freckles."

"No," said Danny. He somersaulted off the couch.

"Where are you going?" asked Jazz.

"To check the freckles thing!" said Danny. He climbed the stairs to the bathroom he and Jazz shared and shut the door. He locked it behind him before going ghost.

Jazz was right. His ghost form did have freckles.

Wait a moment. Those patterns... Were those constellations?

.

After the fight was over, Danny ran a hand through his hair and- Wait. What was that?

Hidden in his thick hair were two small, cold, crystalline lumps. Were those horns?

Danny swallowed hard and flew back to the school bathroom. Yes, he had grown a small set of icy horns.

That settled it. He couldn't ignore these changes anymore. He had to figure out what was going on.

Horns. He couldn't believe it.

.

He arranged cover with Jazz, Sam, and Tucker, because he didn't know how long he'd be gone. His destination was the Far Frozen, as they were his allies with the greatest medical knowledge. Clockwork would probably know what was going on, too, but he had all these weird rules about what he could and could not tell Danny.

As he flew through the green mists of the Ghost Zone, Danny mused that he was lucky to have so many allies to help him, now. So many people he could be safe with. He remembered back at the beginning, where the only people at his side were Sam and Tucker. They were great, of course, and he couldn't have survived without them, but they were kids, too.

It was good to have adults on his side.

.

The Far Frozen was as cold and snowy as ever, and Danny's core hummed happily at the hospitable environment, shifting into purring as he was greeted by the yetis. They laughed, smiled, and patted him on the shoulders.

It made Danny hesitant to bring up his problem.

But it was the reason he'd carved out time to come. So when Frostbite asked what had brought him to the Far Frozen, Danny showed them.

All the yetis went silent for a moment, and then began cheering.

Danny scowled, confused and not liking it. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Forgive us, great one," said Frostbite, chuckling. "We are simply flattered that you have chosen to imitate us."

"I didn't do this on purpose," objected Danny.

"It's a subconscious process," explained Frostbite. "Child ghosts tend to partially imitate the adults they like, the adults they spend time with."

"Oh," said Danny. "Oh. So, it isn't a thing I should be worried about."

"No," said Frostbite. "It's quite normal."

Danny nodded. "I've, um," he shifted closer to Frostbite, almost laying on the larger ghost's arm. "The horns aren't the only thing, though, and I'm not sure where everything is coming from," he said. "Some of it is happening to my human form, too. Should I be worried about that? The horns haven't transferred over, but..."

"We'll look into it."

.

Danny had a thorough medical check up, courtesy of the doctors of the Far Frozen, and was given a squeaky clean bill of health. Literally. They had given him a laminated medical report, for future reference.

After the exam, several yetis volunteered to teach him how to use the horns to help direct his ice powers. They were brave warriors, unafraid of being frozen by Danny's still-growing ice powers.

This was followed by a huge feast in his honor (Danny suspected that the yetis just liked having an excuse to throw a party). Danny did his best not to overeat and drop into a food coma, but was, sadly, unsuccessful.

Frostbite carried him from the feasting hall half asleep, and tucked him into bed in a lavish guest room. Among the thick, warm furs of the bed, Danny let himself become human and fully fell asleep.

.

He woke up feeling rested and much more at ease. Knowing what was happening, that his ghost form was just copying his friends, took a lot of stress off of him. True, he wasn't sure where the star freckles came from, and there were two culprits for the blue skin, but, overall, the changes were no longer a mystery.

He crawled from beneath the heavy covers, stretched, and went ghost.

Whereupon he noticed that his ghost form abruptly had four arms.

.

"Most likely," said Frostbite, "your subconscious was blocking this particular transformation, as it is somewhat more extreme than the others."

Danny tried to cross his arms, and blushed furiously as they collided with each other, highlighting a frustrating lack of coordination. "Yeah," he said. "Do you- do you know how I can undo this? I don't know how to deal with having," he gestured with all of his arms, "four arms."

Frostbite didn't bother to hide his amused smile. "I don't know any way that would be healthy for you, at this stage of your development. I would suggest that you go to Pandora, and ask her for advice. I am assuming she is the primary four-armed ghost of your acquaintance, yes?"

"Yeah," said Danny. He sighed. "I'm going to be gone for so long. Jazz is going to go mental."

Frostbite patted him on the knee. "I can take you to Elysium with the Infinimap," he said. "That will shorten your journey, at least."

.

Pandora was as excited about Danny's new appearance as the yetis had been. She spent nearly an hour alternately cooing over his extra limbs, showing him off to the various citizens of Elysium, and giving him sandwiches.

Danny... liked the attention, honestly. Sometimes, he forgot what it felt like, for an adult to be proud of him. His parents and most of his teachers only looked at him with disappointment, nowadays.

When the hour was up, however, Pandora was determined to teach him how to fight with four arms. She put a staff into each of his hands, and off to the training grounds he went.

As it grew late, Pandora extracted a promise from him to come back regularly, for more training. Danny didn't think he had coordinating four arms down, yet, but he thought he was getting the hang of it.

There was one more place he wanted to stop before he went back home.

.

Danny was expected. The tall, dark doors of Clockwork's lair were open. He drifted inside.

"Hello, Daniel," called Clockwork, pleasantly.

"Hi," said Danny, rounding a corner to find the older ghost, in child form. "I-" He stopped, he had no idea how to phrase this without sounding stupid.

As far as he could tell, he hadn't picked up anything from Clockwork, beyond, maybe, the blue spots on his skin, and he felt weirdly guilty about that. After all, he spent more time with Clockwork than the others, and after seeing them so happy, he didn't want Clockwork to feel left out.

Clockwork took off his gloves and started rolling up his sleeves, shifting to elder form as he did so. Danny blinked and flew closer, curious. Clockwork hardly ever took off his gloves, and Danny had never seen him with his sleeves rolled up.

There were, Danny noted with surprise, symbols inlaid into Clockwork's arms in gold and silver. He looked at them, his head tilted. Some of them looked familiar.

"Oh," said Danny, eyes wide, "they're astronomical symbols."

"The sky was humanity's first clock," said Clockwork. He shifted age again, to his middle form, and pulled back his hood, revealing long, white hair.

"Oh," repeated Danny, hunching sheepishly. He felt rather foolish, now.

"You don't have to worry about these things," said Clockwork, patting Danny on the shoulder. "Would you like a snack, before I send you home?"

"Sure," said Danny.

[helaintoloki]

Old Ghosts

pairing: Dan Torrance x reader

warnings: slight language, slight angst, some fluff

notes: certainly not the best piece I’ve ever written but I needed to put something up lolol

summary: no matter where you’re at in life, the shining always seems to bring you back to Dan

“I’ve only ever met three or four people in my life who knew they shined.”

He paused then, unsure and looking down contemplatively at the callouses on his hands as she came to mind. He could see her almost as if he was back in the Overlook again, standing down the hallway in her overalls and pigtails with her big doe eyes curiously taking him in as he played with his toy cars on the carpet. Where was she now?

“Who is she?” Abra asks, turning sheepish at Dan’s reproached gaze. “I didn’t mean to peak, I swear. It’s just.. your thoughts get really loud when you think about her. Did she have the shining too?”

“Her name was y/n, and she didn’t just shine, she gleamed. At first I thought she was just another ghost,” Dan admits, chucking faintly at the thought as the warmth of his nostalgia began to settle in the pit of his chest. “A little ghost girl there to help me chase the monsters away.”

“But she wasn’t a ghost?”

“No,” Dan concurs thoughtfully. “Not a ghost. A friend.”

“Maybe she can help us with Rose,” Abra suggests eagerly, but her hopeful spirit deflates at Dan’s immediate objection.

“I won’t do that to her. I won’t pull her into something like this, not again,” he says gravely. “I haven’t seen or heard from y/n in years, and maybe that’s for the best. If I try to call her now, and I’m not even sure if I could, I would just... Listen, you just keep your head down, you hear me? You keep your head down and you hope to god that these people never find you.”

Abra watches despondently as Dan rises from his seat beside her on the bench and settles his conductor’s cap back onto his head. Guilt slowly begins to creep through his skin at the disappointment in her face, but he ignores it as best as he can and looks to the girl apologetically.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you,” he says finally, walking back towards the train to resume his regular shift as train conductor.

Though Abra is disappointed, she hasn’t lost all hope yet. Dan can’t help her, but maybe there’s someone else who can.

~~~

You liked to think you lived a pretty normal life. You owned a quaint house in a quiet town in Maine where nothing interesting ever seemed to happen. It was peaceful, everyone you encountered always seemed to like you, and no one knew about your special little gift.

You hadn’t really understood the extent of your gift until you reached the age of five, and until then you had been afraid of it. Your mother had said you were cursed, a punishment for being the bastard child of a married man, and for a long time you had believed that. But then you found yourself face to face with a little boy much like yourself, and everything changed.

You’re not sure what exactly brought you to the hallways of the Overlook Hotel, or why you seemed to gravitate towards the boy with the big wheel, but what you did know was that he was special just like you were, and he was in danger.

For a while you had just been there to keep him company, playing with his cars on the carpets and watching cartoons together while his mother knitted on the couch just a few feet away from you. Wendy had assumed you were another Tony, and Danny thought you had been a friendly ghost. But you were so much more than that.

When his father had succumbed to his own insanity you had helped him escape, and when the trauma and the ghosts of the hotel continued to torment him you were there to ease him through it. A bond had been made, and throughout your childhood and teenage years it had been stronger than anything. But then Danny began to drink, his shine began to dull, and you slowly began to lose the connection you had once had. The last time you had seen him had been during one of his one night stands. He hadn’t wanted to see you then and made it adamantly clear.

“What are you still hanging around for? I don’t need you,” he had snapped. “For fuck’s sake y/n, we’re not kids anymore. Just go away.”

And you had. That had been years ago, and though you hadn’t seen him since, he still often came to mind from time to time. You shared the same nightmares, were haunted by the same ghosts, but now you had to deal with them alone. And that was fine, you were a big girl who could handle herself. Things were quiet and peaceful, until they weren’t.

You wake with a start, a sheen of sweat coating your face and the back of your neck as you glance around the room. A whisper of your name had roused you from your sleep, and you feel yourself begin to pale at the sight of the little girl at the foot of your bed.

“W-What... who... who are you?” You breathe heavily. Though she doesn’t seem dangerous, you know you can never be too careful.

“My name is Abra, and you’re y/n,” she says matter-of-factly. “I’m magic like you. I need your help.”

“My help? Why?”

“There are bad people out there who eat people like us, and they’re coming for me next. Dan and I, we need your help.”

“Dan?” You gasp softly. “You know Danny?”

“Come to Frazier and I’ll tell you the rest. Hurry.”

Abra is gone before you can ask any more questions, leaving you to dwell on the thoughts swirling around your head. It’s definitely a lot to take in at once, especially at the fact that Danny has somehow made his way back into your life. Years of being on your own, and now you not only had your old friend back a new girl with your ability.

Your mind is made up. Even if Dan wasn’t attached to the deal you still would have made the same choice. No one was really there to help you with your gift when you were a kid, so making sure Abra has someone to look out for her is vital to her survival. You won’t let her make your same mistakes or suffer through your same fears.

You’re going to Frazier.

~~~

Abra had emailed you the set location for your meet up, a place called Teeny Town in Frazier just across the street from the library, and you were to meet her at twelve o’clock exactly. You showed up at eleven fifty five, anxiously checking your phone every five seconds to see if she had emailed you again. God, this was crazy. Had you really just packed a bag, got in your car, and driven to New Hampshire without a second thought?

”y/n?” A voice calls, prompting you to turn around. Your jaw drops at the sight before you, and for a moment you can’t tell whether or not you’re dreaming.

He looks so different than the last time you saw him. His face is clean shaven with slight stubble around the edges, his blue eyes are brighter, and he seems to carry himself in a lighter manner. Danny is older and sober, and before you can stop yourself you’re meeting him halfway into a bone crushing hug.

“I can’t believe it! What are you doing here?” He asks, his hand cradling the back of your head and his eyes watering with tears.

“I came to help,” you explain meekly, holding him impossibly close to your chest. “Oh, Danny. It’s been so long.”

“I’m so sorry,” he utters softly. “You have no idea how hard it’s been without you.”

“I’m here now,” you comfort, pulling away from the embrace to hold his face in your hands. “And whatever this is, we’ll get through it together. Just like when we were kids.”

Dan smiles, melting into your touch and feeling secure for the first time in years. Words can’t describe how much he’s missed you, how often you’ve haunted his thoughts, and a part of him still can’t believe you’re here. For a moment he’s able to forget just exactly what Abra has roped you into, the danger you’re in now.

It’s going to be a bumpy road, a dangerous road as the two of you are thrusted back into the arms of the monster from your childhood. But with you here now, Dan knows he’ll be able to do whatever it takes to keep you and Abra safe. That’s a promise.

[thecollegefootballguy]

2021 SEC Coaching Power Rankings

Time to wrap up a tour of the P5 conferences with a look at the SEC. How do the coaches in the top conference in the sport compare with each other?

Check out last year’s rankings here.

-

The SEC is the most competitive conference in the nation bar none. It’s a cutthroat world where only the strong survive. A whopping 4 head coaches were fired between the 2020 season and now, more than any other Power league. Derek Mason was fired from Vanderbilt after the Commodores collapsed into complete apathy last year. South Carolina fared only slightly better, and sacked Will Muschamp. Jeremy Pruitt was fired at Tennessee for issues on and off the field. Finally, Auburn finally got sick and tired enough of Gus Malzahn that they fired him. I’m not sure how many guys can do better there but we’re about to find out.

-

13/14. Shane Beamer and Clark Lea

Movement: N/A

Neither Beamer nor Lea has been a head coach before so they start at the very bottom. Both have inherited hard jobs and I don’t imagine either is going to start winning in the next few years. Get ready, these will be long rebuilds, especially Vanderbilt.

-

12. Sam Pittman

Overall Record: 3-7

Movement: Up 2 spots

Sam Pittman had a lot of Hogs fans feeling better about their program in 2020. Sure, Arkansas didn’t approach a winning season, but it seems as though the program is finally moving forward after several years of apathy. I don’t know Pittman’s ceiling in Fayetteville, but he definitely understands the culture and has the fans on his side.

-

11. Eliah Drinkwitz

Record at Missouri: 5-5 Overall Record: 17-6

Movement: Up 2 spots

I can’t say I learned much about Eliah Drinkwitz in Year 1. Missouri has been about a .500 team since Gary Pinkel retired and the Tigers went 5-5 last year. If Drinkwitz can institute change in the program it will take more than a year. We’ll have a clearer picture this year with so much else of the East Division in shambles outside of UF and UGA.

-

10. Josh Heupel

Overall Record: 28-8

Movement: N/A

Heupel is another new face. Does Heupel have the skills to turn things around in Knoxville? I dunno, but he had a worse record at Central Florida each year he was on the job. Time will tell, of course, if Tennessee will give him any. I think the revolving door nature of the job has hurt UT’s ability to build a solid program. If Heupel can win enough to establish a solid floor hopefully he gets the time it’ll take to get the Vols back on track.

-

9. Mike Leach

Record at Misssissippi State: 4-7 Overall Record: 143-97

Movement: Same

Same old air raid. The win over LSU was fun at least.

-

8. Mark Stoops

Record at Kentucky: 49-50

Movement: Same

Kentucky played just about as good or bad as usual. The Wildcats are well served by Stoops and usually average about a .500 record in league play. They went 4-6 this year. Stoops’ remarkable consistency at UK shouldn’t be ignored, it’s why they pay him so much to stay there.

-

7. Lane Kiffin

Record at Ole Miss: 5-5 Overall Record: 66-39

Movement: Same

The Lane Kiffin offense is showing promising signs in Oxford. Ole Miss was one of the few teams able to keep pace with Alabama last year and if they can develop more talent on defense things could start getting very interesting in the SEC West.

-

6. Bryan Harsin

Overall Record: 76-24

Movement: N/A

Bryan Harsin raised a few eyebrows when he was hired to replace Gus Malzahn. Harsin isn’t exactly an SEC guy, having spent most of his coaching career in Boise. Still, he’s a bone fide winner. If you combine his head coaching stops he’s won 6 division titles and 4 conference titles since starting in 2011. It may take a bit for Harsin to learn how to compete at the SEC level, but I do like the infusion of new blood into the conference.

-

5. Dan Mullen

Record at Florida: 29-9 Overall Record: 98-55 Division Championships: 1 (2020)

Movement: Up 1 spot

Dan Mullen finally broke through in 2020, beating Georgia and claiming his first Division title. The Gators are *ahem* doggedly improving the same way that their rivals did. UF was maybe a step slower and a bit weaker than the upper crust of SEC teams so far in Mullen’s tenure, if he can break through this ceiling and win a championship he’ll rise in the rankings. Everybody else above him has done so at least once.

-

4. Kirby Smart

Record at Georgia: 52-14 Division Championships: 3 (2017, 2018, 2019) Conference Championships: 1 (2017)

Movement: Down 1 spot

Georgia took a step back in Kirby Smart’s fifth season. The Bulldogs offense looked a bit sluggish in their most important games, costing the Dawgs their fourth consecutive division title. Smart built this machine, so I assume things will stabilize moving forward, but I know UGA fans get very restless if they don’t see results.

-

3. Jimbo Fisher

Record at Texas A&M: 26-10 Overall Record: 109-33 National Championships: 1 (2013)*

*with Florida State

Movement: Up 2 spots

Sure LSU and Auburn took a step back (or a few in LSU’s case), but A&M also took a step forward. Jimbo is showing proof of concept in College Station, if they can finally overcome Alabama it’s looking like the Aggies could be a Playoff team at the very least. Time will tell if Fisher can tackle that great beast, but Texas A&M is looking to be in better position that the rest of the division all of the sudden.

-

2. Ed Orgeron

Record at LSU: 45-14 Overall Record: 61-41 Division Record: 1 (2019) Overall Record: 1 (2019) National Championships: 1 (2019)

Movement: Same

Orgeron’s national championship in 2019 is what’s keeping him up here. Without some of his star coaching talent, it’s looking like the Tigers might not be as strong as we though. Coach O of course built the championship team and brought in those coaches, so I think he can do it again. But Louisiana State might not be as consistent a program as an Alabama or a Georgia for the time being.

-

1. Nick Saban

Record at Alabama: 170-23 Record Overall: 261-64-1 Division Championships: 10 (2008, 2009, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2020) Conference Championships: 7 (2009, 2012, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2018, 2020) National Championships: 7 (2003*, 2009, 2011, 2012, 2015, 2017, 2020)

*at LSU

Movement: fixed

He’s the best coach in college football history at this point. It’s safe to say he’s passed Bear Bryant now. So he’s gonna stay #1 lol.

[bl-garbage]

coming out, like in the movies.

There are far too many reasons, wide-ranging and on varied degrees, for why coming out is That One Thing all queer people share in suffering. Yet, in the end, all of these boil down to that one overarching fear: that society will reject us. 

Those who soften the blows of this reality will hold our hands, like Anna does (I love her so much, I fucking do), or will offer a safe space and let us cry it all out, like Ate Judit does. Others simply know and will let us come out of our own accord, like Tito Santi does. 

These are warm instances of comfort, but ultimately they are mere consolations to help us come to terms with our mad realization that we had been ‘different’ all along. That we were unnatural. Sinful. A fraud. A phase. An illness. A mistake. An abomination. A wrong. The elements of horror that society has instilled upon us cast a looming shadow, that which would follow us even as we try our damned hardest to step out into the light. The truly laudable thing about Gaya sa Pelikula is how the show willingly offers an opportunity for introspection, a clearance for one to delve into the trajectory of their own stories.

I myself have never come out. Imagine that. A hundred gay-themed movies, one massive crush on Chris Evans, and a desire to be TayNew’s personal bodyguard later, and I still have not said the word out loud. I know because I keep track. My friends know I like boys, and I have never hidden it to those that truly matter, but the reality is that I have never admitted it either. For good measure, I would often create buffers, perhaps in an attempt to make things more palatable: I talk about boys, in all their chiseled glory, but from time to time I make sure to let someone hear, whoever has an ear, that I too had been in love with a girl ‘back then, when I was a teen, back in high school, I guess’ - which is true anyway. I will not discount that experience. But then here comes the shameful part: ‘So maybe I’m not totally gay,’ I would rationalize. ‘And why not? I could very well be bisexual.’ Or perhaps fluid. Or perhaps I was simply too afraid of a label.

Back then, I had probably already guessed this One Thing about myself, but perhaps as a defense mechanism, I had subconsciously ignored it. To friends now, my official story is that I had been in love with a girl - had expressed so myself and had written things about her and had bought her gifts - but then, eventually realized that I was also capable of liking a boy. This narrative is only partly true. What I leave out is the very real possibility that liking a girl could have very well only been part of this overall journey, one that had just been all too complex to understand for my nascent, horrified self. I was only what, 15, when I was first confronted with the reality that loving a boy was possible. 

(One day I had found myself walking with a boy and realized butterflies had been swarming in my stomach. One day I was much too filled with a desire to message him that maybe things were feeling different. One day my mom caught me with that very message, saved as a draft on the phone, and my desperation may have betrayed my concocted excuse that it was just a joke, mommy, really. Didn’t matter what I said; it was what she said that had stuck with me anyway: In tones of pleas, she said, son, please, don’t. One day my mother and I agreed never to talk about it, but I knew better. There was no joke about all this: not what I felt for that one boy, but what I felt within myself. And a more brutal reality: That there was no way in hell my mother would ever except my truth.) 

I had no one to help me understand. Things did not look the way they were over half a decade ago. Liking a boy seemed so wrong. 

Which is why, I know exactly what Karl felt. Vlad had asked him, “Ano ka (What are you)?” and immediately told Karl that he should not be scared of the word. But the truth is, gay is a scary word. As much as we hate to admit it, being gay means being shunned, facing the worst of the world without any armor. It feels as though walking bare naked, unsheltered, with simple questions otherwise borne out of genuine concern feeling like sharp daggers thrown from all directions. 

Things like these, one does not really get used to. They’re not ones that are suddenly okay, just because another person professes that they accept us. The bravest souls in the community will attest that they, too, fight to have the courage every single day. I recall the coming out video of Dan Howell, who had so perfectly articulated why the word ‘gay’ feels so uncomfortable. To me, ironically, the word seems like a label that, once uttered, would permanently seal me in a box, devoid of any guarantee of an out. What if things changed and I suddenly found myself liking a girl (though I doubt that anymore)? The answer to this is one I already know: that only I hold this decision. Would society then, as I have been so predisposed to believe, think that I had lied, that I had failed to be honest? Even when the honest truth of it all is that doubt and fear are two sides of one coin? To my mind, the word ‘gay’ already seems like a conclusion, and henceforth any acts that I do, the word would hinge itself. What if there’s no eject button? That is the truly horrifying thing.

This is an experience all too common, which is why it resonated with every viewer. Similarly, the experience comes with more aggravating instances: Throughout the whole episode, there was the atmosphere of great unrest, which we all know had been a directorial intention. From the cold open, we are shown a slow motion that signifies how overly conscious Karl was to everything; we are shown the way Karl’s voice had been muted when he was trying to talk to Tito Santi; we are shown just how problems are kept hidden and in secret, as when Ate Judit and Tito Santi were talking over them and Karl just being quiet, silenced, until it was he who had been put on the hot seat, ever so suddenly. 

These people who are supposed to be allies have talked over Karl, drowning out his voice. Only at their own signal did they let Karl talk, and by then, it was to answer the question Karl had dreaded all along. We know they want the best for the boys, but this is important to note just the same: No one must be forced out of the closet. It will only harbor more pains. As expected, this unsettling atmosphere has paved the way for the confrontation we had long known was coming. 

The heartbreaking part is that Vlad understands, so much so that he has been patient. Karl needs to find his own self, just like Vlad did. Just like everyone does. The montage of their own perfect life, lived in a large box that is their apartment, was but a sweet escape, and Vlad knows that. This was their shelter from harm. But a time must come when this has to end and they must come out. What has happened there so far - the dance, the hugs, the kisses, and all the memories - it was all real, but it was also hidden. And if one of you denies it happened, how would you trust your own truth? Vlad had taken the lead, because he had the pass to come in and out of this large box, sharing this precious space with Karl. Yet, it was understandable that Vlad had also been itching to help Karl come out on his own. To Karl, that is the most terrifying thing. When he said, we’re okay, Vlad, okay? he was desperately looking for normalcy, to abort this mission and go back and just - just stop. 

Vlad has been through that, and was all over it. No longer.

Neither of them is to blame. On one hand, you own your truth; and on the other, you can never force one to live a lie and go back into the closet, just so that they may be at your own pace. 

The bold truth about Gaya sa Pelikula’s penultimate episode is this: Neither Karl nor Vlad is wrong. It is they who have been wronged. By a society that has forced each one of us to hide, to man up, to woman up, to believe that the only way of seeing people was on the basis of what's between their legs and not what 's inside their heads. And Ate Judit, Anna, or Tito Santi may try their best, but they can do no more than to assuage the horror that comes with living your own truth.

I cannot stress enough how important shows like Gaya sa Pelikula are. For those who are only in the first laps of this journey of coming out, it can be their console. To me, this is a way of understanding why things came out the way they were. To others, this is a welcome respite. An embrace.

This is the magnificence of Juan Miguel Severo’s love letter to the LGBTQI+ community. This was just masterfully done. I find comfort in Vlad’s own love letter to Karl. I’ll bid goodbye for now, go into a corner of this box, and mull over the choices I've made thus far. (Reader, to be honest: I’m now writing this in my dormitory, in my own box I suppose. For the past six episodes I had been watching the show at home, but now I had to stay in the dorms. I guess, this was fate, too, to help me process my own feelings, alone.) Anyway, for those who have not seen it:

undefined

God, I am just overwhelmed with emotions. Just gonna cry now.

[phantasticworks]

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Nineteen

Four months without uploading she comes back with a new chapter! Thank you so much for your patience i love you guys! I don’t know that I’ll be going back to my previous weekly posting schedule with everything going on in my life right now, but I hope this can tide you guys over until I can finish the story! 

read on ao3

Words: 11.5k

Summary: Dan and Phil have some talks about parenting and make plans. 

Warnings for this chapter: swearing and a disgusting amount of fluff 

It's a few days later when Dan finds himself in his office at school, looking over the schedule change requests that he's received over the past week. He's just added another to the pile of finished requests when his work phone starts trilling on the desk by his elbow.

“Hello, you’ve reached the office of Daniel Howell at Queensbury Secondary School, how can I-”

“Dan, it’s me,” Phil’s voice interrupts him. “Is this a- a bad time?”

"Oh! Sorry, yes- I mean no, it’s a fine time. A great time. I’m just going through some forms. What’s up? Is everything okay?”

"Yeah, everything's fine." Phil clears his throat and there's a pause that Dan doesn't know what to make of. "I’ve been meaning to ask you something."

Dan feels the tendrils of anxiety gripping at his chest now. "Okay," he says slowly, setting his papers down in front of him. "What is it?"

Phil doesn't waste any time. "Well- okay, I don’t particularly want to go, but I know you’re interested in everything that goes on with mental health charities and you told me about the thing you wanted to do at the school, and I think that’s really cool and maybe this will give you a chance to network with people already involved and-”

Dan can’t help but laugh at the rambling words, tripping over themselves in their haste. “Spit it out, bub, what’s your question?”

Phil takes a shaky breath. “So, the BBC is doing a fundraising event for a mental health charity. I wanted to know if you'd like to attend with me." His words are quick and short, like the request is a time bomb and he’ll explode if he doesn’t get it all out at once.

It takes Dan a moment to process the request, and when he does, a stupid part of his brain wants to ask for clarification on the nature of this joint outing. But he's not about to ask Phil if it's a date because that would be both ridiculous and mortifying, and besides, he already knows with his rational brain that it isn't. "When is it?" he asks instead.

"It's next Friday, a week from today."

Dan is opening his calendar as Phil speaks, checking to see if they have any prior events scheduled. They don't, which isn't too strange for a Friday night. He chews on his lip as he considers the offer. He's really interested in mental health charities and it would be great to get some more information about how they work and network with some of the people who actually work there. He's been trying to get the school board to approve a mental health support group for the secondary school for over a year, something only Phil and Louise are aware of. This would be perfect. The only thing holding him back...

"You know we'd have to deal with your nosy coworkers the whole night? And it'll be different being couple-y around other adults," Dan informs him. "I'm not saying I don't want to go, but..."

"I don't care. I think we can handle it, and I honestly don't care what they think about how we're acting or aren't acting." Phil's voice is firm and sure, and Dan wonders if he expected Dan to object for this very reason. "I want you there with me, if you want to be."

Dan smiles down at his desk at this. "Okay."

"You'll go?" Phil sounds mildly surprised, but overall very pleased.

"Yeah. I'd love to go with you."

Phil lets out what sounds like a relieved breath. "Okay. Perfect."

"I'd say see you then, but we live together," Dan jokes. He grins when he hears Phil snort.

"Bye, Dan. I'll see you at home later. Drive safe."

"Bye, Phil."

~~~

It's not until Dan gets home that evening that he realizes that in order for them to go out for an evening by themselves, they'll have to find someone to babysit the kids. It's a strange thought, suddenly. They hadn't really had a situation yet where neither of them could watch the kids, and it was strange to think that he was at the point in his life where he needed to enlist the help of another adult outside of his family to watch his children. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.

After sending all three of the kids off to do their homework, Dan makes his way to the kitchen to sort out their dinner plans for the evening. He's perusing their selection in the pantry when he hears the front door click shut. Rather than go to meet Phil at the door, Dan makes the executive decision to have pasta for dinner, moving over to the fridge to make sure they have everything they need.

"Hey," Phil greets from behind him.

Dan glances over, smiling at him. "Hi. Good day at work?"

Phil shrugs, dropping his jacket on the back of a chair haphazardly before coming to rifle through the cabinet next to Dan. "It was alright, yeah. How was yours?"

"Just another day. Nothing that exciting, I guess." He closes the fridge without looking inside, turning to rest his palm against the counter beside it as he studies Phil. "So, we need to find someone to watch the kids on Friday."

It takes Phil a few more minutes of rummaging through the shelves before he glances at Dan. "Alright. I can ask Martyn if he's busy?"

Dan nods. "That's fine. If he can't, we can find someone else” Dan snorts then, a thought occurring. “Honestly, it’s an hour from here to Reading, Mum could come babysit if we really needed her to."

"Sure." Phil turns to face him with a smile, revealing a little bag of mini marshmallows. He stares Dan dead in the eyes as he rips it open and pops a handful of the colorful treats into his mouth.

Dan quirks a brow, crossing his arms. "You insolent shit, you're spoiling your dinner," he chastises, chewing on the corner of his lip to hide his smile.

Phil shrugs as his hand sneaks back up to his mouth. "Want some?" He offers.

Rolling his eyes, Dan lets out a huff. "You're a child," he says, hauling himself to sit up on the counter as he holds a hand out. "Give me some pink ones, they're the best."

The sheepish grin that lights up Phil's face is definitely worth spoiling his appetite. He steps between Dan’s legs and carefully pours out a small handful of marshmallow treats into Dan's palm, and then proceeds to pick out the white and blue ones for himself. Dan's chest is flooded with warmth as he watches the childlike glee on his best friend's face. It's immensely precious, a secret thought he holds close to his heart.

"I don't think they actually taste any different," Phil's saying. Dan barely hears him. "I'm pretty sure they all just taste of marshmallows. Like, vanilla, or whatever it is that marshmallows taste of."

“Mhm,” Dan hums, the pink marshmallow dust sweet on his lips as he enjoys his coveted snack.

~~~

"Could you pause your game, guys? We wanted to have a chat with you about something," Dan says. He and Phil had agreed that they needed to go ahead and tell the kids about their plans to leave them with a sitter for an evening, so they could go ahead and get used to the idea now. So, after finishing their covert snack, they'd gone upstairs where the twins were deep in a Mario Kart race, Levi coaching them both from the armchair.

At Dan's words, the three of them exchange a series of panicked looks. He'd nearly laugh if his heart didn't break at how the connotation of a "talk" has truly traumatized them forever.

"Everything’s fine, we promise," Phil prefaces, moving to sit on the sofa closest to the stairs. Dan follows, perching on the arm beside him. Almost without thinking, Phil drapes his arm over Dan's thighs, while Dan's arm falls to Phil's shoulder.

"Okay..." Levi says. Jaiden pauses the game and drops the joy-con, turning to face Dan and Phil completely. "Are we in trouble?" He asks.

Dan tilts his head to the side, smiling. "Have you done something to be in trouble for?"

Levi looks confused but shakes his head. "I don't think so?" He sounds unsure.

Phil nudges Dan's stomach with his elbow, gently digging into his skin. "You're not in trouble, bub, no. But, we just wanted to tell you guys that a week from today, Dan and I have an event to attend. So, we'll be finding a sitter to come stay with you that evening."

Amelia immediately perks up. "Can it be Miss Louise?" She asks excitedly.

Smirking, Dan shares a look with Phil. "We'll see. We might ask Phil's brother Martyn and his wife Cornelia to do it, but if they can't, we'll see if Louise will."

She doesn't look particularly happy about it, but Amelia nods in understanding. Jaiden doesn't seem too bothered either way, his hands twitching towards the joy-con as he clearly waits for them to say that was all.

Glancing at Levi, Dan can tell immediately that they're not all on board with the idea. "Levi? Would you be alright with that? It would only be for a few hours."

Levi shrugs, then shakes his head. "Why can't I watch them?" He asks, gesturing vaguely to his siblings. "I'm fifteen, I could stay here and take care of them."

Dan shares a look with Phil. They hadn't considered this. But, knowing each other as long as they have, their mental-symbiosis gives Dan the idea that maybe it wouldn't be the best idea, or at least they needed to discuss it in more detail first.

"We'd prefer to have someone else be here with you," Phil says carefully. "If there’s an emergency or something, we think it'd be best to have an adult here."

Levi shrugs, staring down at his feet and saying nothing.

“But, we’ll consider it, yeah?” Dan adds, sending Phil an imploring look. The older man shrugs, but nods. “Just give us some time to talk about it before we make a decision.”

“Okay,” Levi answers.

Dan moves his arm to pat Phil’s chest. “Let’s go start dinner.”

Phil nods, allowing Dan to drag him from the sofa and off towards the stairs. Dan’s mind is already building a pros and cons list for Levi’s request, so it’s not until they’re already downstairs that he realizes he and Phil are still holding hands. A little embarrassed, Dan releases his grip, mumbling something about starting some pasta.

"So, do you reckon we really ought to consider letting Levi stay here alone with them?" Phil asks quietly, moving to pull two wine glasses from their cupboard.

Humming, Dan pulls a box of pasta from the pantry, looking for a jar of pasta sauce and huffing when he can't find it. "I think we owe it to him to at least have a conversation about it, yeah."

A contemplative silence settles over the kitchen, punctuated by the sound of Phil pouring wine into the glasses. Dan finally spots the jar of sauce, hiding behind a box of crackers. He sets it beside the pasta before moving to the other side of Phil to rummage through the cupboard for a sauce pan.

"Honestly... As long as he keeps his phone on him, and checks in with us fairly often throughout the night... I wouldn't mind him watching them."

Dan's head snaps up at this, and he stares at Phil in surprise. He hadn't expected Phil to actually be on board with the idea. He tries to school his expression into something more neutral as he fills the pan with water and sets it on the stove, clearing his throat before speaking. "Yeah? It doesn't bother you?"

Phil hands him a glass of wine, shrugging. "Not really. I trust him to be responsible. I mean, we let him stay home from school by himself and he was fine."

Dan chews his lip as he stares at the water. He's not sure how to voice his opinion on this without sounding like he doesn't also think it's probably a good idea. "This is different, though," he says gently, blinking up at Phil. "We'd be holding him accountable for two children."

"I mean, yeah. But, I think he loves them enough that he'd keep them safe and be responsible with them." Phil pauses then, a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. "Are you... Do you think maybe we shouldn't let him?"

Taking a sip of the wine, Dan waves a hand dismissively. "That's not it," he says after he's swallowed. "I actually don't think it's a bad idea, I just... I don't know, I just didn't expect you to be so on board with it." He tries not to sound accusing. It's not an accusation.

Phil shrugs, scratching a fingernail against the counter absently. "Am I usually that strict?" He sounds sad, or maybe nervous.

Dan smiles softly. Reaching out, he tugs on the pocket of Phil's hoodie, dragging him closer and resting his head on Phil's shoulder. "Not exactly. Sometimes you're just more cautious about them than I am. You think through the situations more than I do, so sometimes you're a little more reserved about these kinds of things."

There's a soft huff of laughter that ruffles through Dan's curls. "I guess you're right," Phil agrees. He kisses Dan's hairline before gently shrugging him off, moving to grab the pasta to pour it into the boiling water. "So... Have we decided we're okay with letting him stay here with them?"

"I think so, yeah. If you're okay with it." Dan watches him pour the pasta in, reaching for the drawer to hand him a spoon when Phil needs it.

"I am. We'll talk to him after dinner, yeah?"

Dan nods. "Sure."

Phil steps back into his space and wordlessly pulls Dan against his chest again. Dan tucks his hands into Phil's hoodie pocket and hooks his chin over Phil's broad shoulder. Phil wraps his arms around Dan's shoulders and sighs. "You need a haircut," he whispers.

With a snort, Dan tilts his head and bites at a lock of Phil's hair. "So do you, mate."

"Can you call for a hair appointment tomorrow?" Phil requests, his voice a little timid.

Dan can't help but smile at this. Phil's grown his confidence over the years they've known each other, but there were lots of times after first settling into their friendship that he would ask Dan to make calls for him, always claiming he was too forgetful or lazy to do it himself. It took a couple years for Dan to understand the real reason.

"Phil? You alright?" Dan had asked through the bathroom door. Phil had been retching on the other side for close to five minutes now, and Dan was panicking, completely out of his element here. He was barely twenty, he didn't know how to really take care of anyone when they're ill, not like this.

"I'm fine," Phil had called weakly.

"You sound kind of… not fine," Dan had countered, trying for gentle.

It had taken a little while, but eventually Phil caved. "Could you call my mum?"

"Er- yeah? What- why do you need to speak to your mum?" Dan had been completely confused by then. Phil was a massive mumma's boy, but in the year or so they'd properly lived together, Dan had never known him to call her while he was ill.

"I just- please, Dan." Phil had sounded so pitiful, but Dan was more worried now than before.

"Can you let me in, Phil?" Dan had asked softly.

Phil did, but he did not seem pleased by it. He looked everywhere but at Dan, settling back against the tiled floor of the bathroom and closing his eyes weakly. "I need mum to call in a prescription for me."

Dan's brows had crinkled in confusion. "For what?" Before Phil could answer, Dan had remembered Phil mentioning his terrible migraines, and vaguely remembered him coming home with a little white paper bag from the pharmacy. "Your migraines?"

Phil nodded mutely.

“I can call it in. Where's your phone?"

Phil had barely had the energy to look surprised, but after Dan found the phone and called the prescription in, he went about making Phil some soup and doing his best to take care of him as well as he could, with his limited knowledge. Later that evening, with Buffy playing in the background, Phil had quietly told Dan that he had sometimes found it extremely difficult to do phone calls or things like that. “I know it’s stupid and- and everyone else thinks it’s easy, but it honestly just makes me feel so bad that I’d rather just. Not."

"I wish you would have told me," Dan had mumbled. "I can make calls for you. It doesn't bother me."

Many years later, though, and now Dan understands the extent of Phil's social anxiety better than he did back then. Phil does as well, which makes it a bit easier for him to try and get a grip on it, but still, he sometimes struggles. But Dan's always there to help when that happens, and he can't imagine there ever being a time when he isn't.

"Sure. We probably need to get Levi and Jai's done while we're at it." Dan laughs a little before adding, "I reckon we should see if Mia would like a trim, too. God knows that child can't stand to be left out." He smiles against Phil's shoulder when he hears him giggle.

"She really can't, can she?" He muses, his fingers playing idly with the ends of Dan's hair.

"Mm," Dan hums in vague agreement. He sighs before pulling out of Phil's grip to stir the pasta. He pouts when Phil fully steps away, grabbing his glass of wine and taking a large sip. Dan's about to tease him when he hears the unmistakable sound of the twins thundering down the stairs. He rolls his eyes as Phil huffs, clearly slightly agitated at their inability to remember that they shouldn't run inside. "Is it really even worth it to keep chastising them about it?" Dan asks, sipping his own wine.

Phil snorts. "It's the principle of the thing, Daniel."

Still, when the twins burst into the kitchen, Phil doesn't say a word. Dan smirks at him, but Phil pretends he doesn't notice.

"What's for dinner?" Amelia asks, tapping her hands in an off-beat rhythm on the table.

"Spaghetti," Dan tells her, glancing over his shoulder and finding Jaiden staring out the balcony door, probably at his pigeons. He turns to look at Phil, gesturing to their son. "Will you help him with the birds? It's been a few days since we've put seed out."

Phil nods, and Dan focuses on checking to see if the pasta's done. He hears Phil grabbing the bag of bird seed, instructing the twins out the door and onto the balcony. They're gone for several minutes, and when they come back in, Dan glances over at them with a small smile.

"I don't know, Jai-bird. I can't really tell if the birds are girls or boys, but you can name them whatever you want anyway," Phil is saying.

Jaiden seems to consider this. "Could I just name all the fat ones Behemoth?"

Dan snorts.

"Uh, sure, bubby. Whatever you want." Phil sends Dan a baffled look, and Dan only shrugs, grinning.

Amelia and Jaiden settle at the table, arguing over pigeon names, while Phil returns back to the stove, rolling his eyes. Dan smirks, poking Phil in the stomach gently. "Did you find one thicc bird?"

Phil wrinkles his nose delicately. "Ew. Don't say that."

Dan giggles helplessly, stepping away when Phil gestures to the pasta, obviously intending on draining it. He gets as far as the sink, but as soon as he sets the pan down in order to grab the strainer, a little wave of water splashes over the side and onto his hand. "Shit!" he squeals, his eyes flying wide immediately after, glancing between the twins and Dan in a panic.

Amelia gasps. "You said a Daddy word!" She shouts gleefully.

Ducking forward, Dan quickly takes the pan away and turns the cool water on, taking Phil's injured hand and sticking it under the stream. He prays Phil's too stunned to register what she said.

"I'm sorry, I- wait, what?" Phil's head snaps to the side and he glares at Dan.

Well, shit.

"A Daddy word," Amelia repeats, pointing at Dan, as if naming him isn't enough condemnation for her. Dan sends her a dirty look. She just giggles.

"Daniel," Phil starts, enunciating carefully to be heard over the sound of the faucet. "Have you been swearing in front of our children?"

"No!" Dan protests. Phil quirks a disbelieving brow at that. "Okay, well, maybe. But not on purpose! And it was only once," Dan amends.

"Nuh-uh," Amelia argues from the table. "It was twice!"

Dan shoots her a pleading look. "Amelia! Whose side are you even on?"

She hides her laughter behind her hand. "Sorry!" She most certainly does not sound like she means it.

"Hm," Phil hums, sounding unimpressed. "Someone's sleeping on the sofa," he decides.

Dan knows he's kidding, but he plays along, wrapping his arms around Phil and whining. "But... Philll."

"Nope. Shut it, you." Phil tries to keep a straight face as he strains the pasta and returns it to the pan.

Dan releases him long enough for him to get it back to the stove and pour in the sauce, and then he's right back behind him, his arms wrapped around Phil's waist as he nuzzles against Phil's back. "Phil," he starts, voice saccharine sweet. "It's really just a misunderstanding, you know."

"I fail to see how," Phil quips.

Pressing a trail of kisses across Phil's shoulder blades, Dan hums. "I didn't mean to. If I did, in fact, swear in front of them, I assure you it was just an accident. Hypothetically"

Phil seems unconvinced. Dan gently bites at his shoulder. "Yeah, alright. But no more swearing in front of them or we're doing a swear jar."

Dan smiles, kissing the spot he bit. Phil shivers. Dan smirks.

"And," Phil adds, his voice just a touch louder. "You have to make me coffee in the morning. And take the bins out."

At this, Dan scoffs, pulling away enough that Phil can turn around to face him. "No way," Dan argues. "It's your turn to do bins!"

Phil is unwavering, giving Dan a smug smile as he holds up his burnt hand. "I'm injured, babe. Out of commission."

Dan glares. Holding eye contact, he leans toward Phil's hand, nipping gently at the side of Phil's hand.

"Ow," Phil says, with absolutely no conviction.

"That's what I think of you blackmailing me like this," Dan informs him, resigned to his fate.

Phil uses his hand, still just a breath away from Dan's face, to pull Dan's face closer so he can press a kiss to his cheek. Amelia and Jaiden make synced gagging noises behind them. "Thank you in advance for taking out the bins, darling."

"Shut up."

~~~

After they’ve all sat down for dinner, Dan clears his throat. “Levi, we talked about next Friday,” he begins.

Levi puts his glass down and turns to face him, his gaze darting back and forth between him and Phil. “And?”

Dan can’t help but laugh at his impatience. “You can stay here and watch them. But, you have to keep your phone on you, so we can check on you guys every hour or so, okay?”

“Sure,” Levi agrees, nodding. “How long will you guys be gone?”

Phil shrugs when Dan glances at him for the answer. "The event starts at seven, so probably no later than eleven, maybe earlier. Will you be alright here?"

Levi's eyes twitch into a roll but refocus when he probably realizes they're both watching him. "Yeah. I mean, they'll basically just be asleep after you guys leave."

"Right," Dan nods. He feels slightly more comfortable knowing that. "We'll make dinner or order takeout or whatever before we leave, and then you guys can do whatever after that." He glances over at the twins then, who have been mostly quiet, probably only passively listening. "But, you two still have to listen to your brother, okay?"

Amelia glances up at this. She smiles brightly and nods. Jaiden blinks, but then shrugs, which Dan figures is probably the best agreement he'll get from him. "What if he makes us go to bed early?" Jaiden asks, sparing a peek over at his older brother, who's rolling his eyes.

"Well, your bedtime is nine on weekends. So, you still have to go to bed at nine," Dan tells him.

Phil taps the table, causing both the twins to look up at him. He's got a mischievous look on his face. "Dan's right, bedtime is still nine on weekends. But we won't be here," he says this very slowly, enunciating every word. "So you have to listen to Levi when he tells you to go to bed..." He glances at Levi, grinning. "At nine."

Levi gets it first, smirking. "Right. Nine pm, sharp. Got it."

"Yep. Nine pm." Phil winks at Jaiden, and after a second, the boy seems to catch on, and his eyes widen with his grin.

"Okay!" He says gleefully.

Dan sighs. "Philip," he says, exasperated.

"Daniel," Phil replies on a sigh, his lips curled up in a smile.

"You can't just..." Dan starts, then stops. Phil quirks a brow, unbothered, but Dan decides this is one battle he can lose, as really the twins going to bed a little late isn't going to hurt anyone.

"What?" Phil asks, almost challenging.

"Nothing," Dan says, dropping his head to rest on his hand. "Nothing at all."

Phil smiles at him, shaking his head before turning back to finish his dinner. "This might be a little premature," he announces after a second, taking a pause then. The kids turn to glance at him, all of them taking a pause from eating at the tone of his voice. If Dan had his phone on him, it would make a hilariously creepy photo.

"Well, go on, then," Dan prompts. "Don't leave us hanging."

With a barely-concealed grin, Phil sets his fork down, clasping his hands together and studying each of their faces carefully. "This might be a little premature," he repeats. "But who would like to start thinking about what's for dessert?"

~~~

Later that night, after all the kids are tucked in, Dan and Phil find themselves getting ready for bed together, going through their usual nightly routine with big yawns and shared smiles. Phil passes Dan his medication and Dan makes sure Phil removes his contacts, and when they’re finished in the bathroom, Dan leads the way to their bed. He yawns as he flicks off his lamp and crawls beneath the covers, blinking in the low light of the room.

“Are you staying up?” He asks once Phil’s settled on his side of the bed.

“Mm. No, I’m exhausted, actually,” Phil hums in response.

Dan gestures vaguely to the lamp still shining on Phil’s nightstand. “Mind turning that off?”

Phil is quiet as he rolls over and pulls the chain, sending the room into pitch darkness. Dan blinks quickly, forcing his eyes to readjust to the sound of Phil shifting around on the bed, trying to get comfy.

“Cuddle?” Phil asks, his hand rubbing up and down Dan’s arm.

Frowning a bit, Dan shakes his head sheepishly. “I’m not really in a cuddly mood tonight bub, sorry.”

“Oh,” Phil sounds surprised. “Okay, that’s fine.” He sounds like he means it.

Dan gently catches Phil’s hand as he retracts it, bringing his knuckles up to his lips for a gentle kiss. Phil lets out a soft sigh at the contact, and Dan smiles against his skin before releasing his hand.

They lay in silence for several moments before Phil speaks. “You’re not upset with me or anything, are you?” He asks, his voice unmistakably nervous.

“No, not at all,” Dan assures him. “I dunno, I’m just... feeling kinda sweaty, don’t really wanna be snuggled. I’m not mad at you.”

“Alright,” Phil replies. A few seconds pass before he says, “I reckon the kids are excited for Friday.”

Dan smiles. “Yeah, cause you had to go and basically tell Levi to let them stay up late. I’d be excited too,” he says teasingly.

Phil giggles. “Sorry about that. But I honestly think they’ll crash early anyway, just out of habit.”

Shrugging, Dan rolls to blink up at where the ceiling would be if it wasn’t too dark to see anything. “For Levi’s sake, I hope they do.” He chews his lip, his mind swirling with a couple thoughts he’s been considering the last few days. “Do you think maybe Levi is still uncomfortable living here?”

“Hm...” Phil considers it for a few minutes before he answers. “I think... maybe he’s having a harder time adjusting than the twins did.”

Dan nods, wincing when he accidentally chews through the skin on his lip, drawing a little blood. He smacks his lips against the metallic taste, nearly gagging as he tries to speak. “Maybe we should try to spend some more one-on-one time with him,” Dan suggests then.

“Maybe. We could go see a movie together or something? The twins could stay with my brother,” Phil offers.

“That might be nice. Do you think he’d even want to spend more time with us?”

Phil laughs at that. “I mean, honestly... if I was his age, I probably wouldn’t. I’d just want to have my own space and be left alone.”

Dan considers this for a while, and they’re both silent long enough that he wonders if Phil’s fallen asleep. The question is answered for him when Phil scoots closer and drops a kiss on Dan’s temple. “Don’t think too hard, love. We’ll figure something out.”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees passively. “We can maybe ask him about it tomorrow, see if there’s anything we can do to make him feel more at home or something. Do you reckon he’s just missing some of his old stuff?”

Phil yawns. “Maybe. Dunno what we’d do about that.”

Dan nods to himself before patting around until he finds Phil’s hand. He laces their fingers together before nudging at Phil’s shoulder, prompting him to roll over to face the door, allowing Dan to be the big spoon.

“Thought you didn’t want a snuggle,” Phil mumbles.

Dan shushes him. Phil snickers.

“Love you,” Dan murmurs against Phil’s hair a moment later, eyes drifting shut. He’s almost hoping Phil didn’t hear him, the words isolated and completely defenseless.

Phil releases Dan’s hand long enough to reach back and squeeze Dan’s hip gently in a fond gesture. “Love you too. Goodnight.”

~~~

There’s a tapping noise coming from either inside Dan’s skull, or perhaps the door. He realizes, somewhere in his soup brain, that it’s probably the door, but given he’s only slightly awake, he’s not completely positive. It stops and starts a few times, and eventually enough is enough.

They’d separated from their cuddle at some point and Phil is flopped out on his back, while Dan’s curled up on his side. Dan nudges Phil’s hip with his knee in an attempt to wake him. “Phil,” he mumbles. No response. “Phil.” Dan punctuates this with a sort of gentle kick to the shin

“Ow,” comes the mumbled response.

“Phil,” Dan whines, exasperated.

“Hm?”

“Door. Go see who’s at the door.”

Phil smacks his lips loudly in his nearly asleep state. “‘M asleep,” he rebuttals.

And really that leaves Dan only one choice.

“Dan!” Phil nearly screeches, flailing on the bed, suddenly blanket-less and exposed to the sharp chill of the room.

Dan hums innocently from where he’s confiscated all their covers. “Go. Door.”

“Why didn’t you get it?” Phil grumbles, even as he willingly climbs out of bed.

Snuggling down into the blankets, Dan sighs. “You were closer.”

Dan listens to Phil’s footsteps and then the sound of the door creaking open. His ears perk up like some weird superpower when he hears sniffling, followed by a tiny, “dad?”

“Oh, come here, Mia,” is Phil’s answering response. Dan imagines Phil wrapping her up in a hug then, and his heart is gripped with longing and fondness.

“I’m scared of the storm,” Amelia admits between shaky breaths.

“That’s okay,” Phil tells her kindly. “You can come sleep with us, baby. Come on.”

“It’s dark in here,” Amelia whispers as Phil leads her to the bed.

“Hold on, love.” There’s the feeling of the bed dipping, then the click of the lamp turning on. Dan scoots back on the bed to make room, holding out his arms with a tired smile, relinquishing some of his covers. Phil climbs back into bed behind her, pulling the blankets to cover himself as well.

“Night, babygirl,” Dan whispers to Amelia, dropping a kiss to the top of her head before letting his eyes drift shut once more.

His serenity lasts for only a few seconds before he feels something poke his chest. “Daddy?” Amelia whispers. “Are you asleep?”

Dan hums. “Mm. Not anymore,” he jokes.

It seems to go over Amelia’s head, as she replies with a quiet, “oh, sorry.”

Shaking his head, Dan brings her to his chest, checking that the blanket is tucked up evenly around her. “It’s okay, love. Are you warm enough?”

“Mhm,” she replies. “But daddy... I left my stuffy in my room.” She sounds positively devastated.

Dan, who had almost fallen back asleep in the time it took her to say that, tries to push out of the haze of sleep to think up a response. “Mm. Do you have to have it?”

“Yeah,” she whispers.

He sighs. “Alright.” Clearing his throat, he blinks over at his co-parent. “Phil. Babe, Mia left her plushy in her room and needs you to go grab it.”

Phil lets out an exasperated sigh. “Dan,” he states, calm but on the verge of annoyance.

“You already got up and lost some of the warm, you’ll be fine.”

“I hate you,” Phil informs him, squinting over at him in the low light of the lamp that still hasn’t been turned back off.

Dan smiles. “I love you too. Get the bear.”

“It’s an elephant,” Amelia corrects softly.

“Yeah, that,” Dan agrees. “Get her elephant.”

Phil makes a huffing noise and leans down to ruffle Amelia’s hair. “You two are lucky I love you both so much,” he says with a resigned sigh.

Dan dimples up at him, endlessly fond. “Thank you, dear,” he calls after him as Phil makes his way out of the room.

Amelia rolls over to blink up at Dan with shiny, tired eyes. “We’ve got a good dad,” she tells him thoughtfully.

Kissing the top of her head gently, Dan smiles. “Yeah, I reckon we do.”

A few minutes later, Phil returns with the plushy in hand. He leaves the door cracked open, and when Dan quirks an eyebrow at him, he shrugs. “Just in case Jaiden wakes up and gets scared.”

Dan’s lips quirk into a soft smile as he nods. “Good idea.”

Amelia holds her little hands out for the elephant, which Phil hands to her before tucking her in. He stays standing beside the bed for a moment, his fingers tapping against his thigh in a jittery sort of fashion.

“Are you coming back to bed?” Dan asks, his tone teasing.

Phil glances at him, shrugging. “I’m debating.”

“On?” Dan asks when Phil doesn’t elaborate.

Phil gives Dan a pitiful look, bringing his hand to rest on his belly. “I’m hungry.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re not eating in bed in the middle of the night.”

Phil pouts. “Not even a little snack? Just a biscuit?”

“Absolutely not,” Dan snorts, indignant.

There’s a sigh, and Phil pulls the covers back, sliding underneath, resigned. Amelia shifts closer to him and whispers something in his ear. Phil’s eyes widen in surprise before he looks to Dan, his face full of glee. “Is that right?” He says, voice teasing.

“What are you two whispering about?” Dan mumbles, feeling very left out.

Amelia glances over her shoulder at him, giving him a very pitiful face. “Nothing,” she says, smiling innocently.

Phil grins before sitting up, reaching over Amelia to gently pet Dan’s hair, definitely a gesture of someone who wants something. “Dan,” he begins, his voice already full of smugness.

“No,” Dan interrupts, staring at him resolutely.

“But-“

“Absolutely not. You get crumbs in my bed, you‘re sleeping on the sofa.”

Phil looks absolutely abashed. “But, Daniel, you wouldn’t send our sweet little girl to sleep on the sofa, would you?” The smugness intensifies.

Dan narrows his eyes, his gaze flicking between the two of them. “What did you tell him, Mia?”

She smiles, patting Dan’s arm gently. “I asked if I could have just a tiny snack. A little one.”

Phil blinks at Dan pointedly. “And how can we say no to her? What kind of parents are we if we let her go hungry?”

Dan snorts at that. “Both of you finished your dinner and had dessert. I don’t think either of you are going hungry.”

“Daddy, just a little snack? We’ll bring you one too,” Amelia pleads, her little brown eyes so full of hope and innocence. Dan has no will against it.

“Fine.” They cheer quietly before he shushes them. “But,” he continues. “You can’t eat in here. I’m not kidding about crumbs in my sheets. Eat it in the kitchen, alright?”

Amelia nods excitedly before climbing over Phil, already desperate for the promise of food. Phil looks positively delighted as he leans over to press a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “You’re the best,” he says happily.

“Mhm,” Dan grumbles, waving them away.

Phil glances over at him, tilting his head to the side a bit. “You coming?”

Dan smiles at him gently, shaking his head. “Nah. I think this should be your thing with her. I don’t think I’m the midnight snack parent here.”

Something fond crosses Phil’s face, and he glances over to where Amelia is waiting for him by the door, scared to go to the kitchen by herself probably. “Alright. Want us to bring you something?”

Snorting, Dan shakes his head again. “I’m not breaking my own eating in bed rules, so that’ll be a no. But keep it quiet, yeah? I don’t want everyone in this house to know the sin you two are up to.”

Phil sticks his tongue out and Amelia covers her giggle with her elephant. “Be right back, then.”

Dan nods and gets comfy while they disappear down the hallway. He listens for a while at the quiet sounds of them whispering, and he’s glad the kitchen is closer to their room rather than the twins’ room. He hears what sounds like clinks of spoons and he guesses they’re probably having cereal. He wants to snort at the predictability of his best friend, but even sitting a room away he can’t pretend to be anything other than fond.

When they return, Phil’s carrying Amelia, who is sleepy and smiley in his arms. He’s got a wide grin on his face, and Dan can’t help but return it when they climb into bed. “Good snack?” He asks.

Phil nods and Amelia giggles. “We had some cereal,” she informs him.

Dan looks Phil dead in the eyes, giving him the most bland look he can muster. “Shocker,” he says, deadpan.

They maintain eye contact for just a moment before bursting into a fit of laughter. Amelia looks confused, but happy.

“You and your cereal-thiefing ways,” Dan mumbles, raising his arm and letting Amelia snuggle up to him. Phil looks down at the bed with a sheepish grin as he lays down. “Night, Mia. Love you.” Dan punctuates his words with a kiss to the top of her head.

“Night, daddy,” she mumbles, clearly already on the verge of sleep.

Phil blinks at him expectantly. Dan rolls his eyes. Phil pouts.

Leaning over Amelia carefully, Dan sloppily kisses Phil’s cheekbone. “I love you too, you absolute toddler,” he says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Phil looks more than pleased when Dan pulls away. Dan watches as he snuggles down under the cover, tucking the blanket around their daughter carefully before closing his eyes. “Love you, Dan,” he mumbles when enough time has passed that Dan honestly thinks he may have already fallen asleep.

Dan blinks the moisture from his eyes. “Goodnight, bub,” he murmurs, the sound of Phil’s deep breaths already filling the silence.

~~~

Saturday is the same uneventful sort of day as it usually is in the Howell-Lester household, the day moving slow with everyone off school and work for the day. Dan is in the kitchen making an early lunch for everyone when Phil walks in, talking on his phone. Dan smiles at him, which Phil returns, a little less enthusiastically.

“Yes, I know, Mum,” he’s speaking into the phone. “I told you, Dan and I needed to think about it. We can’t just force them to go to your house for Christmas, can you imagine how awkward they’d feel?” Phil rolls his eyes as his mum speaks, probably chastising him for keeping her grandchildren away from her.

Dan can’t help but wince on Phil’s behalf. It’s strange enough suddenly being parental figures for three children, but add in the fabrication of their romantic relationship and, well, Phil’s family is feeling very left out of the loop, despite the fact that they’ve met the kids over FaceTime countless times. Dan knows the other man is holding onto what’s left of his sanity by a thread at this point, with all the pressure from his mum and the obvious obstacles that come with parenting. Dan definitely doesn’t envy his situation right now.

“Right. But there’s five of us now, mum.” Phil sends Dan a pleading look, and Dan can’t help but snicker. Phil rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. He hardly ever gets cross with his mum, so Dan knows something else must be bothering him. “I’ll talk with Dan about it, okay? I can’t make any promises, though. I...” he looks over at Dan then, something conflicting flashing across his face. “I have to put the kids first now, mum. We’ll see how they feel about it, okay?”

Dan tears his gaze away, focusing back on the sandwiches he’s meant to be crafting. He listens as Phil says his goodbyes, quietly murmuring for Phil to tell Kath he loves and misses her on Dan’s behalf. Phil relays the message and hangs up. A long sigh escapes his mouth then, and Dan can’t help but glance over at him.

Phil looks exhausted. His eyes are tired and his shoulders are slouched in a way that Kathryn would be rather appalled by. Dan’s heart feels a stab of sympathy for him.

“Rough talk?” He murmurs, trying to be careful with his inflection. He doesn’t want Phil to think he actually knows what they were discussing, even though he does.

“Yeah,” Phil whispers after a while. “Mum wants us to come to hers for Christmas.” Dan nods, staying quiet as he clears up the mess he’d made of the counter. Phil sighs again. “I don’t know what to tell her.”

Dan waits to see if there’s more, and when it’s clear that there’s not, he turns to face him, leaning on the counter. “Well, do you want to?”

“Do I want to what?” Phil asks, bewildered.

“Go to your family’s house for Christmas,” Dan elaborates, keeping his tone neutral.

Phil looks surprised, like he hadn’t thought to actually consider it. “I... well, I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I’m hoping we still have the kids by then.”

Dan hates the stab of fear he feels at the implication that there might be an alternative to that, but he forces it down, smiling and stepping closer to wrap his arms around Phil’s waist in a hug. He thinks idly about how this is their first hug of the day. “I reckon we ought to at least consider it.”

“Hold on, wouldn’t your mum be upset if we went to mine instead of hers for Christmas?” Phil asks, almost sounding accusatory.

Dan snorts, pulling away. “Not likely. She’d want to see us, sure, but their big family Christmas dinner is always the Saturday after anyway.”

“Oh,” Phil says, somewhat surprised. “You’ve never told me about that,” he sounds offended.

“I guess it never crossed my mind?” Dan replies, a little puzzled as to why Phil seems to care. “Either way, my mum wouldn’t be fussed.”

Phil looks away as he considers it. Dan steps out of his personal space to give him room to think, moving around the kitchen and setting the table for lunch. Finally, Phil says, “I’ve never not been at my family’s house for Christmas Day.” He whispers it, like he’s ashamed.

Dan turns to glance at him, raising an eyebrow in surprise. “Yeah?” He says lightly, prompting him to elaborate if he wants.

“I don’t want to force the kids to go somewhere else if it’ll make them uncomfortable,” he continues quietly. “And I don’t want to not see my parents on Christmas, but…” He takes a breath, looking up at Dan with something vulnerable in his eyes. “I won’t leave you alone with the kids on Christmas.”

“Well...” Dan pauses to consider their options. “We could invite your family here, just for Christmas Day. Or we could speak to the kids and ask how they feel about Isle of Man for a holiday. You never know, Phil, they might actually want to go. They’ve met Kath enough through calls and all that, I really don’t think they would mind going.”

Phil nods slowly, his eyes becoming a little unfocused as he spaces out, deep in thought.

Before they can reach any sort of agreement, the twins come barreling into the kitchen, followed by their older brother, who looks vaguely apologetic. Whatever thoughtful silence that had existed in the kitchen before is completely gone when they enter.

“I tried to tell them not to run,” Levi says, shrugging.

At the same time, Amelia grabs the back of a chair, hopping up and down behind it as she asks, “What’s for lunch?”

Jaiden is the only quiet one, drifting to the balcony doors and gluing his face to the glass to watch for his pigeon friends.

Dan sighs, somewhere between content and exasperated. “We’re having sandwiches,” he tells Amelia. Smiling reassuringly at Levi, he says, “I think it’s a lost cause at this point, really.”

The teenager shrugs before going to sit at the table, glaring at his sister pointedly until she halts her jumping, looking sheepish as she slides into her chair. Dan smiles at this before looking over at Phil, who’s studying the table activity with a look of almost curiosity. Dropping a gentle hand to his arm, Dan waits for his gaze to refocus before speaking. “Love, could you get some drinks while I pass out food?”

Phil nods, offering a partial smile. “Sure.”

Dan waits until Phil’s turned to collect cups before he goes about setting out the plates for everyone, calling Jaiden to the table and promising they can feed the pigeons later.

After everyone has food and a drink, Dan allows himself to have a seat as well, making sure everyone has what they need before tucking into his lunch. The talk at the table varies from school, to video games, and to the excitement of being home alone the following Friday. Phil is much more present now, joking with the twins and listening carefully when Levi speaks. Dan’s so full of such a sense of normalcy that the thought of the true nature of the situation very nearly drifts away entirely.

Eventually everyone is finished eating and Levi offers to help clear everything up after the twins run to play in their room. Dan sees this as a perfect opportunity to ask him about how he’s feeling about his current living situation, and a shared glance with Phil says they’re on the same page. “Sure, bud,” Dan agrees easily. “Why don’t you help Phil clear the table while I put the rest of this stuff away.”

Levi nods, clearing plates away quietly. Phil glances over at Dan rather pointedly and Dan nods. Phil clears his throat, a little bit awkwardly, before speaking. “Levi,” he begins, his tone soft. The teen’s gaze snaps up almost immediately, a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face until something on Phil’s makes him relax slightly. “We were wondering how you’re feeling about living here so far.”

Levi looks vaguely uncomfortable, but shrugs. “Alright, I guess.” He pauses. Then, suspiciously, “Why?”

Dan shrugs from where he’s stood putting the sandwich stuff away. “We just want to make sure we’re doing what we can to make you comfortable here.”

“So, if there’s anything you need or want that we don’t know about, you can tell us and we can work on getting it for you,” Phil explains, giving Levi a bright smile.

Levi seems to consider this. He still looks vaguely suspicious. “Oh... okay. Well, nothing comes to mind.” He clears his throat awkwardly.

“And that’s fine! Just, you know, if you think of anything. You can tell us.” Phil says, giving Dan a soft glance.

Dan nods at him in agreement before turning to smile at Levi. “Yeah. You can always talk to us about anything.”

Levi glances between them, his gaze somewhat confused. “Right... okay.”

Feeling a little awkward at how poorly that seemed to go, Dan clears his throat. “I know it’s awkward for you,” he says quietly, trying not to make Levi feel even worse by having this conversation with Phil there. Levi gives him a wary look. “But we want you to feel at home here, if it’s possible.”

There’s a silence, and Dan turns to tidy the pantry up a little, allowing Levi the space to think or leave if he’s feeling uncomfortable. After a few moments, he sighs. “I... I appreciate that, really,” he says slowly. “But, like... you don’t have to try so hard.”

Dan glances over at him sharply in surprise, his gaze flicking over to find that shock mirrored in Phil’s. “Oh. Okay,” is all Dan’s mouth can come up with.

Levi shrugs awkwardly. “Just... it’s awkward enough, yeah? Like suddenly you two have a teenager to look after, and I mean, I’m glad you let me be with my brother and sister, but you can worry about them, not me.”

It takes a long moment for Dan to process this, and when he does he feels his eyes burn. “Levi...” he starts, his voice pained.

Before Dan can even begin to explain how wrong it is for Levi to think they shouldn’t care about him, Phil speaks. “Levi, no. We’re not- we care about all of you. We didn’t just let you in like some stray off the street, okay? We wanted you here, from the moment we realized that the twins had a brother they’d been separated from.”

Levi looks surprised, as if they hadn’t already tried to relay this information to him before. “I-“

Phil interrupts him, holding a hand up to pause his words. “As awkward as you think this is for us, it’s not. We consider the three of you a part of our family, okay? Not just the twins. You’re just as much our child as they are, and you will be until your case manager decides otherwise. And we want to do things for you, just like we do the twins, if you’ll let us.”

Levi looks actually, properly stunned. He blinks rapidly, his gaze flicking between the two of them before finally dropping to the floor. “Okay.”

Phil’s shoulders seem to relax at that. “Good. Now, go get your things ready so Dan can drive you to your group session.”

Without another word, Levi leaves the room, although he does give Dan a bewildered look as he leaves. Dan shrugs at him, unsure how to explain Phil’s sudden outburst of emotional connection.

Left alone with him, Dan looks over to find Phil leaning back against the counter, rubbing the palms of his hands against his eyes and taking shuddering breaths. Without even thinking, Dan moves over to him, tugging his hands away and sweeping gentle fingers over the tears pouring from Phil’s eyes. “Shh,” Dan whispers when Phil lets out something like a sob. “You’re alright, baby. I’m so proud of you. That- that was such a lovely thing to tell him.”

“I love them so much, Dan,” Phil cries, dropping his head to Dan’s shoulder suddenly. Dan stares at the side of his head in shock. Phil obviously cared for them, but he’d never gotten this openly emotional about his affection for the children before. Seeing it was making Dan sniffle a little as well.

“I know, Phil. I know.” Dan brings one hand up to stroke the back of Phil’s head while the other caresses down his spine.

“I can’t believe Levi thinks he’s- he’s- like, a charity case or something! He’s our son!” Phil’s nearly sobbing now, and Dan tightens his grip.

“Shh. Quiet now, love. Shh, I know,” Dan murmurs soft words as Phil manages to work it out. He was a little out of depth here, as Phil was normally the more rational, less tearful one between the two of them. Apparently today was the exception, however. “You’ll cry yourself into a migraine if you aren’t careful, baby.”

Phil sniffles a few more times after that, finally getting a grip on his emotions. Dan waits for him to pull away first, and when he doesn’t, Dan begins to pepper kisses to his cheek and temple and ear. “Sorry,” Phil whispers.

Dan presses a soft kiss to his earlobe. “Nothing to be sorry for. Everyone cries.”

It’s quiet for a bit, but eventually Phil tilts his head, catching Dan mid-smooch. Dan flushes at their close proximity, but before he can pull away or apologize, Phil tilts forward just enough to peck Dan’s lips with his own. It’s hardly a kiss, more just a brush, but Phil looks completely unapologetic when he pulls away.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, hugging Dan tightly.

Dan’s not sure what he’s thanking him for, so he stays silent. They’re interrupted by the sound of footsteps, and Dan steps carefully out of Phil’s grip. Phil clutches his shirt anyway, and Dan can’t help but smile at that. “Ready to go?” He asks Levi, who’s hovering by the door looking awkward.

“Yeah,” he replies. He looks down, scuffing his shoe against the tile. “Phil?”

Phil looks surprised when he glances over at him. “Yeah?” He says, his voice a little scratchy from crying.

Levi seems to consider his words carefully before replying. “Er- thank you. For what you said earlier.”

“Of course,” Phil says immediately.

The teen nods, not lifting his gaze. Evidently that’s all that he’s got to say.

Dan tilts his head to look at Phil, who looks back at him with a surprised, but proud face. Dan doesn’t even think about holding back, dropping a soft kiss to Phil’s mouth like it’s nothing. Like it doesn’t send his blood racing and his heart stuttering. Like he does it every day.

Phil looks... well, happy. Dan shocks himself with the thought, but his mind only supplies that description of the look on his face when Dan pulls away from the brief kiss. “Drive safe, okay?”

“I will,” Dan nods. He pushes Phil’s quiff up from where it’s drooping. “Need anything while I’m out?”

“Snacks?” Phil asks, his voice sweet.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re going to snack yourself into a sugar coma, bub,” he teases.

Phil grins, his tongue caught between his teeth. “And you’ll take care of me while I’m in a coma, right?”

Dan kisses his nose. “If I have to.”

They grin at each other, and somewhere, Dan feels some relief in his heart or mind or the void where his soul should be. It feels a little bit like a fading resolve, or some wall being chipped away at. He feels lighter than he has in weeks, standing in his kitchen banting affectionately with his best friend in the whole world

“Go, he’ll be late,” Phil prompts, pushing Dan away.

“Movie night when we get back?” Dan asks, moving to the door.

Phil smiles and nods excitedly. “And pizza.”

“Perfect. It’s a date.”

~~~

Several hours later, after an overwhelming amount of pizza and a passive watch of Disney’s Hercules, Dan and Phil see the kids off to bed, much to the chagrin of the twins, who for all their complaining, stumble down the stairs like little drunks. Dan teases them for it, and Amelia, predictably, teases him right back, reminding him of the time he tripped down the stairs, stone-cold sober. Much giggling on the twin’s behalf later, after Dan has tried, and failed, to defend himself, the kids finally say their goodnights and head to their bedrooms.

“I’m so tired,” Dan moans the minute he steps into their room. He flops down onto their bed, star-fishing out in that way Phil does that usually annoys him so much.

“Sucks, bub,” Phil chuckles. “Gonna take your jeans off?” He asks, rummaging through their dresser.

Dan considers it. He really is very tired. “Is there some way I could perhaps convince you to do it for me?” He asks sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes up at Phil when the older man glances at him. He’s mostly kidding.

Phil’s eyes roll up to the ceiling at this, but sighs as he walks over and deposits his pajamas onto the side of the bed not currently occupied by Dan’s noodle limbs. “Undo ‘em for me,” he instructs, bringing his hands down to tug Dan’s socks off for him.

Dan hadn’t expected this. Honestly, he’s not sure he would’ve done it for Phil, really for no reason other than how it would feel to undress his best friend. Especially now that he knows there’s some very not-platonic feelings floating around his heart. Just that conscious thought, accepting those feelings he has for Phil, sends Dan’s blood rushing to his head, making him dizzy.

“Dan?” Phil calls quietly, patting Dan’s thigh to get his attention. “Do you actually want me to?”

“I... I’ll do it. I was just kidding, really,” Dan stutters out. He clears his throat. “Thanks, though. You’re a good friend.” He’s glad he’s still laying on his stomach, so he doesn’t have to meet Phil’s eyes as he says it.

There’s the feeling of hands running over his calves, gently massaging, and Dan sighs. “Of course, bub,” Phil quietly murmurs. “I’m gonna go take a shower, okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees passively.

Phil squeezes his leg. Dan listens to his footsteps, allowing his eyes to flutter shut as the bathroom door clicks shut.

He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but when he drifts back into the present world, it’s to the feeling of something tugging underneath him. “Mph?” He huffs a confused sound.

“Shh,” Phil whispers softly. “It’s just me, Dan. I’m trying to cover you up, scoot over a bit.”

After blinking the sleep out of his eyes a bit, Dan realizes that he’s still laid on the bed, wearing the same clothes he laid down in. Phil’s stood next to him, working on tugging the blanket out from under him so he can cover him up. “My jeans,” Dan complains.

Phil nudges him to sit up. “Go take them off and brush your teeth. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night anyway if you don’t go to bed with a clean mouth, remember?”

Dan grumbles but does as he’s told, stumbling off the bed and into the bathroom, unbuttoning his jeans as he goes. After taking a wee and tugging the stupid jeans off his long legs, Dan brushes his teeth slowly, feeling groggy from his short nap.

“Don’t forget to take your meds, babe,” Phil says, poking his head into the bathroom and tapping the doorframe to get Dan’s attention.

Nodding, Dan waves him off. Phil leaves him to it, allowing Dan to finish his routine alone before going back to their bedroom to join him. Phil’s sat up at the headboard, his glasses sliding down his nose as he looks down at the worn pages of a book. Dan crawls into bed beside him, leaning his head on Phil’s shoulder. Wordlessly, Phil tilts his head and kisses Dan’s forehead. Dan is so, so warm.

“What are we reading tonight?” Dan asks softly, too lazy and tired to actually read the page.

“Ready Player One,” Phil replies, turning the page. “Want me to read to you?”

Dan snuggles against his side shamelessly, wrapping his arm around Phil’s stomach. “Yeah.”

Phil takes a moment to pull the covers up and over Dan, smoothing them over his leg and patting his knee before bringing his hands back to the book. Phil’s voice is low and soothing as he reads, and Dan is very nearly asleep when he hears a soft knock on the door. They both turn to face it in sync, and Dan has to bite back a giggle at the movement.

“Come in,” Phil calls, loud enough for whoever to hear, but quiet enough that it won’t wake anyone asleep.

The door swings open after a second to reveal Levi, who shifts awkwardly from foot to foot, avoiding their eyes, cradling his hand awkwardly.

“Hey, bub,” Dan says softly. “What do you need?”

Levi steps closer to the bed, holding his left hand up with a grimace. “I, uh... kinda cut myself. I didn’t know where the band-aids were,” he says, looking the epitome of awkward and uncomfortable.

Dan immediately climbs off the bed and heads into the bathroom, gesturing for Levi to follow. “I’ll give you some to put in the other bathroom, I thought we had some but Phil’s the actual clumsiest person alive so sometimes we run out,” Dan explains with a smile. Levi offers a quiet laugh, hovering in the door.

“I am not!” Phil protests from the bedroom.

Dan rolls his eyes, but mouths, “he is,” causing Levi to laugh for real. Dan grins, gesturing to Levi’s hand. “Want me to look at it?” He offers gently.

Levi shakes his head. “It’s barely a scratch, honestly. I don’t even know why it’s bleeding, it doesn’t hurt.”

Dan sends him a suspicious look as he rummages through the cabinet. “What happened, anyway?”

“I was working on that art project I told you about,” Levi replies. “The paper mache thing? I was cutting the paper and the scissors just slipped.”

“Hm,” Dan hums neutrally. “Be more careful, alright? You might need your hand later in life,” he jokes.

Levi rolls his eyes but nods. “I will. It’s really just a scratch, though, honest.”

“I’m sure,” Dan agrees. “But make sure to wash it out and put some antibacterial gel on it, okay?”

Looking on the verge of another eye roll, Levi manages a more impatient nod, holding his hand out for the bandaids. “Got it,” he concedes.

Dan supplies him with a bandaid for now and several extras, making a mental note to buy a new box the next time he’s out. He follows Levi out, going to climb back in bed as Levi shuffles to the door.

“Levi?” Phil calls gently.

The teen turns around, raising his eyebrows. “Hm?”

“Everything at school going alright?” Phil asks. “I feel like we never get a proper chance to ask you about it with the twins always around.” He smiles as he says it, softening the almost accusation in his words.

Levi shrugs. “It’s alright. It’s school,” he says, his voice betraying nothing.

“Yeah,” Phil agrees with a twitch of his lips. “I get what you mean. But so far, it’s okay? The teachers aren’t too bad and the kids are alright?”

“Yeah, they’re fine,” Levi says. He gestures at Dan vaguely. “I think he gave me all the easy teachers because they’ve all been pretty nice.”

Dan is about to protest but Phil sends him this lovely smile and Dan shuts up immediately. “Good, good,” Phil says. “I guess we’ll let you get to bed, then.”

Levi nods, waving at them a little awkwardly. “Alright. Night, guys.”

“Goodnight, Levi,” Dan calls after him as he walks out the door. He waits a beat to make sure Levi is well down the hall before turning to look at Phil. “You really are a good dad,” he says, almost conversationally.

Phil smiles at him fondly. “I should be. I’ve been practically raising you for the past ten years.” His tone is joking but it still embarrasses Dan, just a little, to be reminded of their slight age difference.

Dan can feel the wicked grin making its way onto his face. He can’t control himself, obviously, with the joke presented so perfectly. He leans in, resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder and pressing a feather-light kiss to Phil’s ear before whispering in his most sultry voice, “Daddy.”

“Ew!” Phil splutters, immediately shoving Dan away. He looks absolutely mortified when he’s put some space between them. “Never say that again, Dan,” he warns, sounding very, very serious, and very, very disturbed.

Dan erupts into a fit of laughter at Phil’s reaction, swiping tears of mirth out of his eyes. “Oh my god. You’re too easy! And the look on your face,” Dan sighs, catching his breath. He snuggles back against Phil with an innocent smile that Phil returns with a glare. “I promise I won’t say it again. I just had to, honestly.”

“You really... didn’t,” Phil argues, flicking his gaze up so he doesn’t have to meet Dan’s eyes.

Pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek is Dan’s apology, which Phil seems to accept if his sigh and the way he wraps an arm around Dan is any indication. “That really wasn’t funny,” he mumbles, collecting his book back on his lap and flipping it open again.

“Sure it was,” Dan replies easily, watching with a cringe as Phil returns to his dog-eared page. “It was funny to me.”

Phil knocks his head against Dan’s gently as reprimand. “You’re doing an awful lot of chatting for someone who was nearly asleep only half an hour ago, bub.”

Dan smiles against his shirt. “Alright, alright. I’ll be quiet.” Phil huffs like he doesn’t believe it but clears his throat to start reading. Before he can, Dan interrupts him. “Can you start at the beginning? It’s been a while since I’ve read this and I don’t remember who half these people are.”

There’s a groan, and Dan can’t help but bite back a laugh. “No, I’m not starting at the beginning, you horrible boy. This is supposed to be my quiet reading time.”

“Sorry,” Dan lies. “But you offered to read to me, so...”

“I’ll start at the beginning of this chapter. And if you get confused I’ll explain what’s happening. But otherwise shut your mouth and go to sleep, yeah?” Despite the irritation he’s obviously feeling at Dan pestering him, Phil’s words are still incredibly fond and bear no actual unkindness.

“M‘kay,” Dan agrees. “You may proceed.”

There’s a pause as if Phil’s waiting to be interrupted, but when he isn’t, he jumps right into the story, reading it at just the right volume for Dan to listen passively, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier with every paragraph. Eventually he nods off on Phil’s shoulder, but in their position his head lulls to the side and the movement jolts him awake again.

“You okay?” Phil whispers.

“Mm. Mhm. Sleepy,” Dan mumbles back.

Phil turns down the corner of his page, making Dan cringe, before placing the book onto his bedside table and turning off the lamp. He’s careful not to jostle Dan too much as he guides him into a proper sleeping position, tugging Dan’s pillow closer to his own and guiding his head to it. Dan allows his eyes to drift shut as Phil settles behind him, pulling the duvet up and over their shoulders.

“Warm enough?” Phil whispers against Dan’s hair.

“Mhm.” Dan reaches back until he finds Phil’s hand, pulling his arm to wrap around his waist. He feels a kiss against his neck and smiles. “Goodnight,” he murmurs.

Phil hums a response into the lack of space between them, but Dan’s already drifting back off to sleep.

[phanlight]

Imagine Living Like A King Someday

prompt: Southview Boarding School isn’t a castle and Phil Lester isn’t royalty, but he has everything. His father owns the school, he’s popular, has the best room, gets all the best treatment – there are very few things that aren’t handed to him on a platter. Dan is a cleaner/Phil’s personal maid there, and he isn’t as lucky. Everyone seems to take an aversion to the outsider, including Phil (at first).

[CHAPTER MASTERPOST]

theres something so funny to me abt having written all of this over a matter of months and then picking it up 4 entire years later like nothing happened

still thinking of the enormous steaming mess past left future me to clear up in terms of plot but i think we're finally there THANKS 2016 SHELLEY

[AO3 LINK]

Twenty-Three (fINALLY)

By far the best thing about this job, Dan decides, is the Thursday afternoons. They allow for a lull in the week, a window wherein Phil is enveloped in a research project and Noah equally as swallowed up in rehearsals. December being only a breath away had made for a sudden increase in workload for both of them; it seems leaving the holiday season for an actual holiday is far too big an ask for the education system. Dan feels sorry for them. He remembers his burning resentment toward academic responsibilities; how much he’d loathed being made to study while the sky loses its light. He’d taken pity on the pair of them and stocked up on various study supplies – all edible and a few drinkable, much to their delight. He’d left them with all the Kit-Kats, Doritos and Jaffa Cakes they’d possibly be able to cram into a four-hour session. He’s becoming something of a mother figure, he giggles when he tells Lawrence.

There’s something about conversations with someone as wise as the head caretaker, the nicest boss he’s ever had, that jolts everything back into perspective again. Sometimes, when anxiety gnaws and every breath feels uneasy, the only thing that helps is a few words of wisdom. Of true compassion. And as caring and as gentle as Phil is, sometimes it’s worth listening to someone over triple his age; with triple his life experience.

And way over triple his collection of mugs. They stand in rows in a cabinet next to the desk, a glass door keeping them on proud display (there’s no way he doesn’t polish that regularly). He can’t count the teas they’ve had together, but he’s never had the same mug twice. It makes the overall experience just that little bit more enjoyable; a guaranteed smile no matter how bleak the day.

“Wallace, or Gromit?” is the first thing Lawrence says when Dan creaks open the door.

He frowns. Bit of an odd way to say hello, but he’s had weirder.

“Sorry?”

“If you had to pick?”

Dan chuckles, his frown melting away. Months of this place has made him warmly familiar with Lawrence’s eccentricities and quick-fire questions upon entering. The only one who works here with a personality, Phil often calls him, before quickly adding Below fifty, of course.

“Gromit,” he says decidedly. “He’s cute.”

“Gromit it is,” he whips around, presenting Dan with a steaming ceramic version of the dog, his left ear protruding into a handle.

“How did I not see that coming?” Dan chuckles, taking the mug and nearly burning his fingertips. “Thanks,” he sips a little too quickly. “Let me guess; you have a Wallace one too?”

“A-ha!” Lawrence spins around again holding with an identically sized mug, the other character still grinning despite having a head full of boiling hot liquid.

“You never cease to amaze me,” Dan grins, shaking his head in disbelief. He plops himself down on Lawrence’s enormous armchair, shifting a jacket off of the seat. Despite his repeated insistence that he really doesn’t mind and the stool looks really comfy, actually; Lawrence insists he takes his chair every single time he comes over.

‘It’s just lovely to have a chat with you, kid,’ he’d say. ‘I don’t get many visitors.’

The whole thing swamps Dan’s small frame, the upholstery devouring most of him, but the comfort is unbeatable. He could fall asleep here.

“Look at his nose! His- look at that! Hey- you’re missing it!”

Dan’s eyes dart around the room. “Wait- what?”

“The mug!” he urges.

Dan frowns, peering at the steaming Wallace. His grin looks like the taste of Brie.

“It’s-…” he squints. “Big?”

“Not mine you daft thing- yours!” he points.

“Mine?” Dan looks down. Gromit stares forward, his black button now a cherry red. “Oh!”

“Clever, that, ain’t it?” Lawrence enthuses, his eyes shimmering. “Must be a heat detector! I don’t know how they do it, these things,” he beams. “It’s like they’re finding something new every day.”

Dan’s heart glows. It would come as no surprise if he’d been waiting all week to show him that.

“I’ll keep an eye out for it next time,” Dan smiles, looking down. “I used to have a Pac-Man mug that did a similar thing, actually.”

“Pac-Man, eh?” Lawrence says as if it’s the eleventh Grand Theft Auto. “What used to happen? Did he do his little routine?”

“Not quite,” Dan giggles, assuming his ‘little routine’ constituted flying around a maze uncontrollably. “The ghosts just appeared. Nothing moved, though.”

“That’ll be the next step, I tell you,” Lawrence says. “Goodness knows what they’ll be able to do even one year from now. Come next Christmas you’ll be buying me a mug that can sing.”

Dan’s grin doesn’t stop. How someone so many times his age can still bear such child-like enthusiasm for the small things really is something treasurable. The gem of Southview, he decides as he takes another sip and studies the bottle opener collection beside him. Lawrence makes this job bearable. Worthwhile.

He doesn’t tell him such mugs actually exist; doesn’t let on the Cherusker stein is a particular favourite of his. The cabinet full of them was in fact possibly the only tolerable aspect of the May Fair experience; – he’d forever spend lounge duty dusting them, lifting every one and smiling as gentle lullabies spilled out until barked at to ‘stop wasting time’. He makes a mental note to make another addition to his Christmas shopping list. He’s certain Lawrence is aware of their existence, but he’s sure he wouldn’t be expecting to unwrap one only three weeks from now. Seeing those eyes crinkle with joy under years of laughter lines is a gift in itself.

He only realizes he’s smiling when Lawrence matches his grin.

“You’re at a funny age,” he sighs, clinking the spoon against the china. He places it on an Abbey Road coaster. “That’s what my mother used to say,” he pauses, forehead lined with thought. “Mind you, she’s been saying that at every age I’ve been,” there’s a silence. “Even now.”

Dan grins, imagining a woman twenty-odd years older but about a metre shorter. It warms his heart to hear she’s still with him, with them. Here.

“What does that say, eh?” he continues. “There’s never an age you’re going to look back and everything around you will have fallen into place. Never a moment you’ll dust off your hands and think ‘well, that was easy’. Because that isn’t life.”

The final sentence resounds all around the hemisphere of his consciousness. What absolute truth there is to be found in that.

This is precisely what he loves about his conversations with Lawrence. It isn’t just the tea. Not even the comfort both physical and emotional alike; the guarantee that whatever he confesses to doing won’t go any further than the office walls. It isn’t even the advice- which he’d go so far as to admit is more beneficial than Phil’s, at certain times (there’s just something about hearing it from someone who’s double their combined age).

It’s the lack of judgement. The listening ear. The only person he can truly guarantee is without a single trace of bias or underlying ulterior motive. The ‘I’ve experienced, lived, truly knocked down but bounced back every time’ tone that resonates through every pebble of advice, each wise word he gifts away.

And he feels safe, talking to him. He feels comfortable. It’s everything every single past job wasn’t, and even now, when Dan drags a scalding sip to his lips and listens to Lawrence’s stories, his pellets of wisdom and anecdote after anecdote involving life in the Sixties, he realizes he’s truly safe here. Happy, almost.

“How old is she? Your mother?” The question escapes his lips before he can exercise any control over what he’s asking. Shit, he hopes that wasn’t too personal. Not a lot of things are off-limits when it comes to conversations with Lawrence, but boundaries are still unclear.

Lawrence remains unfazed, his expression still thoughtfully soft.

“She’ll be ninety-eight this June.”

“Eighty-eight?” Dan frowns. He must have heard that wrong.

Lawrence points a finger to the ceiling. “Up ten.”

His jaw drops.

“Wow.”

“Yep,” Lawrence contradicts with a warm head nod. “She’s lived through a lot, has our Maggie.”

“I can imagine,” Dan breathes, leaning against the desk. His respective lifespan has already thrown enough in his direction. He can’t imagine what four times that would be.

“Lived through two world wars, bless her,” he sighs, his eyes studying the windowsill. “Lord alone knows what the woman must have witnessed,” his eyes flicker to Dan. “Then bringing up three kids on top of that,” he shakes his head, slurping the steam. “I don’t know how she does it. Still going strong, mind. She’s an angel.”

“Truly,” Dan sighs, his gaze leaning further and further out of the window. A crow comes to a soaring descent onto one of the branches, leaving a flutter of yellow leaves in its wake. If he narrows his eyes he can make out the very outline of a nest somewhere further in. “You’re lucky to have her,” he says before his thoughts can catch up.

Lawrence huffs out a chuckle. “You sound almost as old as I do, kid,” he hesitates. “Though you’re right. I am. I love her.” There’s a silence. “And I make sure I tell her every single day.”

Something tightens in the back of Dan’s throat. He blinks a couple of times, sipping carefully. “That’s lovely,” he mumbles into the mug, masking the crack he knew was going to appear in his voice.

“It’s important to say it as often as you can, you know,” he says, tearing open a box of Leibniz and giving Dan the first pick. They’re orange – his favourite. Last week’s rant over the white chocolate ones had clearly been taken on board. “However you say it. In whichever respect you mean it. You have to tell them how much they mean to you. You have to tell them you love them.”

A crumb goes down the wrong way.

“Careful, kid,” Lawrence gives him a firm thump on the back. Dan erupts into coughs, pausing to choke on his own breath a handful of times.

“You okay?”

It’s an amusing question given he’s a shade of scarlet and can only gasp in response, but he nods anyway, reaching for the tea.

All good, he mouths.

A couple of scalding sips later his lungs finally begin to recalibrate.

“Fuck-…” he huffs out a sigh. “I don’t know where that came from- I-…” he chokes again. “You’re right, though, about the-” another cough interrupts him.

“You’re meant to eat it, not inhale it,” Lawrence chuckles. “You donut. Here-“ he pulls out a drawer, scrabbling through loose sheets of kitchen roll and various CDs (without cases, much to Dan’s anxiety) before thrusting a half-opened packet of Soothers into his hand. “Finish them off, kid.”

“Oh, Lawrence,” Dan’s heart all but melts. “Thank you.”

He only takes one, but Lawrence insists he keeps them.

“Just in case you inhale your dinner tonight,” he chuckles, before adding, “Don’t you go choking on that, for God’s sake.”

“The irony of choking on a Soother,” Dan giggles. his speech a little indistinct. They’re a little on the sticky side but they still taste good. The peach ones have always been his favourite.

“Remember what I said,” he reminds him as Dan chews.

“Thank you,” he says again.

“Not at all, pet,” he smiles. “They need eating up.”

Dan chuckles. “I meant for the-…” he trails off when he spots the gleam in the older man’s eye. He doesn’t even need to finish his sentence to know he knows.

“It’s my pleasure. As long as I can be useful for something,” he raises his chipped mug to his lips as if it’s a champagne glass. “Always remember to give your energy to the right things. And the right people.”

Dan smiles, twining a loose thread around his pinkie. Another pellet of wisdom to come back to when he feels his mind darkening.

“I never used to be much good at that,” he admits. “The right people were always the wrong.”

“Ah, but never forget how far you’ve come,” Lawrence says. “You’re telling me things you wouldn’t have even been able to even think about months ago.”

Dan looks up. “Seriously?” Shit, he hadn’t even noticed.

“Would I be joking?” Lawrence simply says, furrowing a large silver eyebrow. Dan looks down at his tea, sipping carefully. It’s reached a perfect temperature, the liquid hugging his lips. “You tend not to be able to see your own progress, but others can. Others do,” he insists, grey eyes promising.

Dan feels like he’s going to cry.

“Thank you,” he breathes, disguising his mouth with the mug again.

“You don’t need to thank me, kid,” he chuckles.

“It’s unbelievably hard not to,” Dan admits, chuckling too. His eyes threaten tears but he can’t stop grinning.

“If anything, I should be thanking you,” he says.

Dan stares at him.

“Me? What for?”

“Oh, kid,” Lawrence sighs, his eyes glittering. “You have no idea how much I appreciate you. We’ve had some real characters in and out of here, I’m telling you – between you and me, and don’t even let this get to Phil, but-…” he shakes his head, his eyes following another crow headed in the same direction. He’s probably watching the same tree; Dan briefly thinks before he continues. “Some were okay,” he says almost as if to convince himself if anyone. “Mary, she was lovely. But some,” he closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Look- I really shouldn’t be telling you this- Lord alone knows how unprofessional it is to be-“

“I wouldn’t worry,” Dan interjects, immediately apologizing for interrupting. “Workplaces harbor all manner of dark secrets. I’m sure a little venting about a couple of difficult colleagues doesn’t even come close.”

Lawrence chuckles, dusting biscuit crumbs off of the desk. “That I can’t argue with, kid,” he continues wiping, as if to process his next thought. “I’m not one to speak ill of people- of anyone, but-…’ he shakes his head. ‘You have no idea how much easier a time you give me, kid. It’s a joy to have you here,” he lowers his voice. “Some of them didn’t even turn up.”

Dan feels his face burn a little. Something warm floods through his veins. Shit, he’s never been told anything like that before. Never anything even remotely close. There’s also something particularly wholesome about Lawrence giving a recount of lousy employees like it’s a business-shattering affair, all hushed tones and closed doors.

“It’s great to be here,” he says quickly, his heart thumping. “It really is. It-…” he stops himself, interrupted by the abundance of possible phrases. Saved me, is the only one that adheres.

“I know,” Lawrence says before he can even open his mouth. He reaches forward and gives his knee a quick pat, and Dan wonders how such a small motion can harbour such reassurance. He doesn’t even need to finish his sentences he’s this understanding. “You’re a delight of an employee, I hope you realize,” he grins. “Everything you do is so appreciated here, kid. I ought to tell you that more often,” he pauses.  “Sometimes the advice we give is advice we need to take ourselves, eh?

“And vice-versa,” Dan smiles, before hesitating. “Maybe I ought to express myself more.”

“Oh, you already do, kid,” Lawrence says. “We know.”

Dan’s grinning at his tea when he catches the end of his sentence.

“Especially Phil, did you say?”

“Oh, tell me about it. He can’t speak too highly of you, can our Phil. He can’t stop talking about you altogether, mind. ‘The Dan Button’, we call it.”

This conversation isn’t doing Dan’s sensitive blush reflex any favours whatsoever, but he’s past caring. He’s something of an open book to Lawrence anyway.

He stares at the row of vintage Cadbury mugs lining the top shelf of the cabinet (the 1970s Caramel edition is his favourite – there’s just something about the golden writing) as he continues. He wonders if he has a Phil Button. Does he talk about him a lot? Fuck, he hasn’t even thought about it. Usually there’s so much to say; whether it be an anecdote from the passing day or a conversation they’d had or something they’d watched or witnessed or read. It’s difficult to keep track of his own train of thought whenever anyone mentions him. The topic usually leads itself, his own mouth merely a guide. He’ll have to ask Noah if it’s getting excessive.

His eyes stay with the branch. The two crows huddle around the nest-like cluster. By the time this conversation is over the tree will probably be completely leaf-less, he notices as more fall.

“I don’t have a Phil Button, do I?” he says before he can stop himself. Fuck. He just couldn’t resist.

Lawrence only smiles. An eyebrow thinks about twitching upward.

Dan smirks at the silence. Okay. Enough said.

“You kids,” he sighs, swallowing the remains of his tea. “Look out for each other, won’t you? Remember what I said. Tell people how much they mean to you. They aren’t mind-readers.”

Dan smiles, and promises.

“Always.”

Lawrence grins. “I’m glad you ended up here. Doctor Lester is particularly fond of you, y’know.”

Dan stares at him. Surely not. He’s never even seen the man talk, let alone crack anything close to a smile. Any communication between the two had always been by proxy – usually through Lawrence but Phil a lot of the time too. It’s eerily easy to forget they’re even related at all, let alone father and son.

“Oh yes,” he continues, reading his expression. “I shan’t embarrass you with the details, but he says it’s simply a delight to have you on board.”

Dan stares out of the window. Another crow had joined whom he had presumed to be the mother (how can you even tell with birds like that?), both fluttering close to their respective nest. More leaves fall with every judder.

“Well, that-…” he giggles, already feeling his face flush again. He’s going to have to invest in some makeup at this point. “That means a lot. To say the very least, I guess,” he widens his eyes, staring into space. “Wow. God, that’s-…” disbelief silences him. He shakes his head. “That’s the first time like-…” his eyes flicker wider. “Ever.”

“Yeah,” Lawrence remains tactfully quiet. Any allusions toward past jobs are always met with nothing other than gentle sympathy – never questions, never any further comments. Dan can’t thank him enough for that – the past is to be referred to, not relived. If its only reflective purpose is to one day be used as a comparison, something highlighting the incline of quality of life thereafter, then so be it. “You’re appreciated here, kid. By all of us,” he leans forward. “Between you and me, I think he can see how happy you’re making Phil. Y’didn’t hear that from me though, alright?” he nudges his foot with his own and throws him a quick wink.

Dan goes from pink to peony. He makes sure to chew his biscuit properly this time, dunking it in the remains of the tea. Another choking fit at his point would probably send him head-first into the recovery position. He doesn’t reckon being carried out of Mr. Headforth’s office on a stretcher would be his finest hour. Not when he’s finally made it onto the good side of the school, of the staff and communities therein; unusually tight-knit for such a vast population.

He looks up. He smiles.

“No, I didn’t.”

Lawrence’s eyes flicker down to his cheeks. He doesn’t need to say anything.

::

And I make sure I tell her every single day.

It resides with him for the rest of the afternoon, the phrase burning itself into his consciousness like a tattoo behind the eyes. He can’t let it go, not when he’s studying that pineapple streak the sunset left behind, Phil a breezy nuzzle to the cheek. Not when they’re pacing through the corridors somewhere in the evening, somewhere between the fall of the sun and the rise of the moon. Not even when their hair becomes a confusion of two shades and every breath is shared.

However you say it. In whichever respect you mean it.

He wonders how Lawrence tells her; his mother. When. Where. Does it depend on the day? The hour? Circumstance? He knows there are more than eight letters involved in the action, more than three words to its weight. Does the meaning bleed through his everyday phrases? When he asks her about her day? Whether she’s eaten?

He gulps, his heart thudding.

“Have you had lunch?” was how he’d greeted Phil this noon. “I have loads of pasta in the fridge. I made too much again.”

He stares at the ceiling.

“Text me when you get there,” was how he’d said goodbye this evening. It had started as a joke between the three of them – the campus, although spanning acre-upon-acre of land is still nothing but a speck when compared to the rest of the outside world – but had quickly become something of a tradition (to the extent Dan would often find himself receiving ‘i’m ok <3’ texts from someone in the next room as him).

“Take care,” is how he punctuates most ending conversations with the other boy in hindsight. Still eight letters. A different combination of such, albeit, but a mirrored meaning.

Oh god. He’s fucked.

You’re at a funny age, grey eyes remind him.

Every cell in his body agrees with that, and apparently it’s something they’ll have to get used to. It looks like that’ll never stop, not even after ninety-eight trips around the Sun.

Remember what I said.

Dan does.

[weyassinebentalb]

Gaza Conflict Stokes 'Identity Crisis' for Young American Jews

Dan Kleinman does not know quite how to feel.

As a child in the New York City borough of Brooklyn, he was taught to revere Israel as the protector of Jews everywhere, the “Jewish superman who would come out of the sky to save us” when things got bad, he said.

It was a refuge in his mind when white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia, chanted “Jews will not replace us,” or kids in college grabbed his shirt, mimicking a “South Park” episode to steal his “Jew gold.”

But his feelings have grown muddier as he has gotten older, especially now as he watches violence unfold in Israel and Gaza. His moral compass tells him to help the Palestinians, but he cannot shake an ingrained paranoia every time he hears someone make anti-Israel statements.

“It is an identity crisis,” Kleinman, 33, said. “Very small in comparison to what is happening in Gaza and the West Bank, but it is still something very strange and weird.”

As the violence escalates in the Middle East, turmoil of a different kind is growing across the Atlantic. Many young American Jews are confronting the region’s long-standing strife in a very different context, with very different pressures, from their parents’ and grandparents’ generations.

The Israel of their lifetime has been powerful, no longer appearing to some to be under constant existential threat. The violence comes after a year when mass protests across the United States have changed how many Americans see issues of racial and social justice. The pro-Palestinian position has become more common, with prominent progressive members of Congress offering impassioned speeches in defense of the Palestinians on the House floor. At the same time, reports of anti-Semitism are rising across the country.

Divides between some American Jews and Israel’s right-wing government have been growing for more than a decade, but under the Trump administration those fractures that many hoped would heal became a crevasse. Politics in Israel have also remained fraught, as Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s long-tenured government forged allegiances with Washington. For young people who came of age during the Trump years, political polarization over the issue only deepened.

Many Jews in America remain unreservedly supportive of Israel and its government. Still, the events of recent weeks have left some families struggling to navigate both the crisis abroad and the wide-ranging response from American Jews at home. What is at stake is not just geopolitical, but deeply personal. Fractures are intensifying along lines of age, observance and partisan affiliation.

In suburban Livingston, New Jersey, Meara Ashtivker, 38, has been afraid for her father-in-law in Israel, who has a disability and is not able to rush to the stairwell to shelter when he hears the air-raid sirens. She is also scared as she sees people in her progressive circles suddenly seem anti-Israel and anti-Jewish, she said.

Ashtivker, whose husband is Israeli, said she loved and supported Israel, even when she did not always agree with the government and its actions.

“It’s really hard being an American Jew right now,” she said. “It is exhausting and scary.”

Some young, liberal Jewish activists have found common cause with Black Lives Matter, which explicitly advocates for Palestinian liberation, concerning others who see that allegiance as anti-Semitic.

The recent turmoil is the first major outbreak of violence in Israel and Gaza for which Aviva Davis, who graduated this spring from Brandeis University, has been “socially conscious.”

“I’m on a search for the truth, but what’s the truth when everyone has a different way of looking at things?” Davis said.

Alyssa Rubin, 26, who volunteers in Boston with IfNotNow, a network of Jewish activists who want to end Jewish American support for Israeli occupation, has found protesting for the Palestinian cause to be its own form of religious observance.

She said she and her 89-year-old grandfather ultimately both want the same thing, Jewish safety. But “he is really entrenched in this narrative that the only way we can be safe is by having a country,” she said, while her generation has seen that “the inequality has become more exacerbated.”

In the protest movements last summer, “a whole new wave of people were really primed to see the connection and understand racism more explicitly,” she said, “understanding the ways racism plays out here, and then looking at Israel/Palestine and realizing it is the exact same system.”

But that comparison is exactly what worries many other American Jews, who say the history of white American slaveholders is not the correct frame for viewing the Israeli government or the global Jewish experience of oppression.

At Temple Concord, a Reform synagogue in Syracuse, New York, teenager after teenager started calling Rabbi Daniel Fellman last week, wondering how to process seeing Black Lives Matter activists they marched with last summer attack Israel as “an apartheid state.”

“The reaction today is different because of what has occurred with the past year, year and a half, here,” Fellman said. “As a Jewish community, we are looking at it through slightly different eyes.”

Nearby at Sha’arei Torah Orthodox Congregation of Syracuse, teenagers were reflecting on their visits to Israel and on their family in the region.

“They see it as Hamas being a terrorist organization that is shooting missiles onto civilian areas,” Rabbi Evan Shore said. “They can’t understand why the world seems to be supporting terrorism over Israel.”

In Colorado, a high school senior at Denver Jewish Day School said he was frustrated at the lack of nuance in the public conversation. When his social media apps filled with pro-Palestinian memes last week, slogans like “From the river to the sea” and “Zionism is a call for an apartheid state,” he deactivated his accounts.

“The conversation is so unproductive, and so aggressive, that it really stresses you out,” Jonas Rosenthal, 18, said. “I don’t think that using that message is helpful for convincing the Israelis to stop bombing Gaza.”

Compared with their elders, younger American Jews are overrepresented on the ends of the religious affiliation spectrum: a higher share are secular, and a higher share are Orthodox.

Ari Hart, 39, an Orthodox rabbi in Skokie, Illinois, has accepted the fact that his Zionism makes him unwelcome in some activist spaces where he would otherwise be comfortable. College students in his congregation are awakening to that same tension, he said. “You go to a college campus and want to get involved in anti-racism or social justice work, but if you support the state of Israel, you’re the problem,” he said.

Hart sees increasing skepticism in liberal Jewish circles over Israel’s right to exist. “This is a generation who are very moved and inspired by social justice causes and want to be on the right side of justice,” Hart said. “But they’re falling into overly simplistic narratives, and narratives driven by true enemies of the Jewish people.”

Overall, younger American Jews are less attached to Israel than older generations: About half of Jewish adults under 30 describe themselves as emotionally connected to Israel, compared with about two-thirds of Jews over age 64, according to a major survey published last week by the Pew Research Center.

And though the U.S. Jewish population is 92% white, with all other races combined accounting for 8%, among Jews ages 18 to 29 that rises to 15%.

In Los Angeles, Rachel Sumekh, 29, a first-generation Iranian American Jew, sees complicated layers in the story of her own Persian family. Her mother escaped Iran on the back of a camel, traveling by night until she got to Pakistan, where she was taken in as a refugee. She then found asylum in Israel. She believes Israel has a right to self-determination, but she also found it “horrifying” to hear an Israeli ambassador suggest other Arab countries should take in Palestinians.

“That is what happened to my people and created this intergenerational trauma of losing our homeland because of hatred,” she said.

The entire situation feels too volatile and dangerous for many people to even want to discuss, especially publicly.

Violence against Jews is increasingly close to home. Last year the third-highest number of anti-Semitic incidents in the United States were recorded since the Anti-Defamation League began cataloging them in 1979, according to a report released by the civil rights group last month. The ADL recorded more than 1,200 incidents of anti-Semitic harassment in 2020, a 10% increase from the previous year. In Los Angeles, the police are investigating a sprawling attack on sidewalk diners at a sushi restaurant Tuesday as an anti-Semitic hate crime.

Outside Cleveland, Jennifer Kaplan, 39, who grew up in a modern Orthodox family and who considers herself a centrist Democrat and a Zionist, remembered studying abroad at Hebrew University in 2002, and being in the cafeteria minutes before it was bombed. Now she wondered how the Trump era had affected her inclination to see the humanity in others, and she wished her young children were a bit older so she could talk with them about what is happening.

“I want them to understand that this is a really complicated situation, and they should question things,” she said. “I want them to understand that this isn’t just a, I don’t know, I guess, utopia of Jewish religion.”

Esther Katz, the performing arts director at the Jewish Community Center in Omaha, Nebraska, has spent significant time in Israel. She also attended Black Lives Matter protests in Omaha last summer and has signs supporting the movement in the windows of her home.

She has watched with a sense of betrayal as some of her allies in that movement have posted online about their apparently unequivocal support for the Palestinians, and compared Israel to Nazi Germany. “I’ve had some really tough conversations,” said Katz, a Conservative Jew. “They’re not seeing the facts, they’re just reading the propaganda.”

Her three children, who range in age from 7 to 13, are now wary of a country that is for Katz one of the most important places in the world. “They’re like, ‘I don’t understand why anyone would want to live in Israel, or even visit,’” she said. “That breaks my heart.”

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

© 2021 The New York Times Company 

source https://www.techno-90.com/2021/05/gaza-conflict-stokes-identity-crisis.html