#and one who depends on other's desires to feel real and rooted

[espionn]

NightWing tribe sheet!

hey guys, sorry this one took a little bit. nightwings have a lot going on. also, i talked about both the old night kingdom and the volcanic island, but i didn't really mention their new rainforest setup, bc i didn't want this to be *too* long. so sorry that there isnt anything regarding that lol

Physical Appearance + Traits

-NightWings are the only fully nocturnal tribe, going to sleep a bit after dawn and rising at sunset. Their colors are dark, not only making them invisible in the shadows but also letting them fly at night without standing out. The undersides of their wings are scattered with starlike scales and rich coloration that perfectly resembles a night sky. Their night vision is almost perfect, and their eyes flash in direct light not unlike nocturnal mammals like cats. 

-NightWing colors are usually mixed with green, blue, purple, or some combination of these. Some are nearly pitch black, and others are more gray. Their beaklike snout, horns, and spines are usually the same light silver as their scales, but sometimes these can be black too.

-Healthy NightWings are often somewhat large and even bulky, with thick tails and strong legs. After their retreat to the volcano, they were thought for some time to be scrawny and have a permanent dull roughness to their scales, but after a few generations in the rainforest they began to again be sleek and strong.

-The three moons are not only extremely important to NightWing culture and imagery, but also have a physical effect on them. Named Oracle, Perception, and Imperial, each full moon can grant a different ability. A NightWing hatched under a full Oracle will have limited prophecy abilities, and Perception will grant mind reading. Imperial added to either of these will make them stronger. The only thing that is still uncertain is whether Imperial alone has any effect. Some dragons insist it grants natural leadership abilities, but the only consistent observable effect it seems to have is a deep-rooted infatuation with the moons throughout the dragon’s life.

-Perception - mind reading - will also leave a silver teardrop-shaped scale in the corner of the dragon’s eyes. It will be reinforced with a silver circle beneath it if Imperial’s strength is applied. Oracle’s mark is more subtle, but seers’ eyes themselves will often be strikingly silver, and some have noted more clear constellations present in their wings.

-The strength of the power can often depend on how directly the dragonet was exposed to the light.

-The pattern of stars in the wings of NightWings are as unique as a human’s fingerprint. Sometimes, though, they resemble real constellations, and even when they don’t, there are seers who claim to be able to read a dragon’s fortune in their wings, similar to palm readers or even Zodiac theorists. Superstitious parents may have the wings of their dragonets analyzed by these seers. It’s very rare, but on occasion a dragon may be hatched with large, bright patches of clustered star scales, and these dragons are not only considered extremely attractive and desirable, but also may be said to be blessed by the stars themselves. 

-Albino NightWings are extremely rare, but they are practically worshipped. One factor in the bad blood between NightWings and IceWings was the feeling from NightWings that IceWings’ pale coloration was a crude mimicry of the moons, and therefore impure and insulting.

Life Cycle:

-NightWing eggs are laid in small clutches, usually between two and four. They incubate on secure clifftops, carefully watched by parents, for 3-4 months, and hatch quite physically defenseless. They take longer to learn to walk and fly than any other tribe (with the exception of SeaWings, of course). NightWings believe this is a sign of superior intelligence, as their development goes to their minds first and their bodies second; it is, in fact, true that NightWings learn to speak and even read quite early compared to other tribes.

-NightWings live with their parents and siblings in family units. It isn’t uncommon for homes to be multi-generational, with grandparents or even great-grandparents to live in the same place as their descendents, as some dragons simply never choose to leave their unit. They also sometimes live with friends and other relatives. Some also choose to live alone.

-Despite how many NightWings sometimes choose to live together, they are actually not very socially dependent dragons. Some are more social than others, but much of their lives and work will be spent on their own, even though they live and sleep with other dragons. They are self-motivated and many are quiet and disinterested in conversation. They also tend to lean toward making friends outside their families rather than having the same parent and sibling bonds that some other tribes have. 

-Dragonets spend much of their time, for several years, in school. NightWing schooling is very organized and thorough, and every dragonet is expected to attend. The vast majority of their socialization while they’re young is done in school.

Society + Culture:

-Even more so than SeaWings, NightWings have thousands of years of literature that they take enormous pride in; the main reason for their education system at all is their need to teach about their history and writings. Poetry and orchestral music are inventions of the Night kingdom, and they are beloved within the tribe. Their technology is on par with SkyWings, but instead of weaponry and armor, their focuses are on instruments, glasswork and even some scientific tools. 

-Their society doesn’t rely much on rank and structure; some dragons may have higher status, usually based on wealth, but NightWings don’t have distinct ‘high-status’ and ‘low-status’ groups like other tribes might. They are valued based on ability and intelligence, and not so much by birthright. Mindreaders and seers are usually well-known and well-respected, though there is a subtle jealousy pointed toward them throughout their lives as a result. 

-There was a time when NightWings would intentionally try to lay eggs that would hatch on full moons, especially double moons, hoping to have powerful offspring. However, many myths state that these dragonets would be cursed, and their gifts would somehow backfire; in these stories they often died, young and tragically. This practice was later discouraged and even considered taboo. 

-This hasn’t stopped some morally ambiguous experiments from being carried out. Eggs about to hatch have been intentionally exposed to meteor showers, eclipses, blue moons, harvest moons, northern lights, and a number of other phenomena with the hopes of finding some new and mysterious powers. The records of the results have been lost to time.

-Architecture is another particular piece of pride for NightWings, and while the Night Kingdom still stood, it was a marvel to any dragons who visited. Their structures - schools, homes, even the kingdom - were carved directly out of the cliffs of their jagged land, and then carefully and lovingly sculpted over time; pillars and statues and high-vaulted ceilings with intricate detailing are almost reminiscent of ancient Rome. 

-Even before their retreat to the volcanic island, NightWings were not very involved in the conflicts between other tribes. They were perfectly content in their region, and tended to think other tribes didn’t have much worth seeing anyway. Because they don’t usually bother themselves with fights like this, when they aren’t hunting, they tend to spend their time on things like art, writing, astronomy, and music, as these are highly valued in their society. Those who weren’t interested in these areas could also do limited military work, construction work, or work in service of their royalty as guards, hunters or servants.

-Once they lived on the island, though, survival trumped anything else. Food was scarce to non-existent, they lost the majority of their craft and literature, and some died outright from smoke inhalation toward the beginning. They carved rough tunnels into the cliffs with their own claws. They became hardier, but much less advanced. They also lost all knowledge regarding the stars and moons, including that of their own powers.

Diet: 

Old Kingdom: Omnivorous. NightWings could make a wide variety of food and drinks, usually eating small animals, fruits and vegetables that they could grow or trade, and even some mushrooms. They had no qualms about eating them raw without preparation, if they just needed a quick meal, but they could mix and cook food to make a variety of meals.

Island: Carnivorous. They eat anything they can find, and rarely bother to do anything beyond cooking it, if even that. Very few plants grow on the volcano, and only the most desperately hungry dragons will eat it. 

[jakelinestradlin]

Tag yourseld where your Mars take place in your birth chart ♥ Mine is on Scorpio ♥

Aries Mars

Rawness. A strong grip. Tugging a lock of hair when it gets too much. A thin line between pain and pleasure. Nails scratching down a back because of frustration. A build up. Taunts. Deliberately causing arguments because make-up sex with you feels so good. Will you take the bait? Sex feeling new each time. A fast rhythm. Confidence. Advancing towards you. Feeling protective over you. An urge to KO anyone who looks at you for more than 2 seconds. Warrior urges instigated. Persistence got me this far in life, let me show you how it works for me.

Taurus Mars

Pressure. A slow burning warmth that licks up the body. We have all the time in the world.  Every part of the body exposed to a kiss, a touch, a breath of air. Flickering of orange flames in a fireplace. A feeling of pure, unabashed sensuality when naked. Coolness of air which brushes the hairs on the back of the neck. Rooted in sexual energy. Slow and steady wins the race. Scented massages. Starting at the base of the neck. Feeling strength. Resilience. Flavored condoms. Drunk on your love. How is it possible you taste sweeter every time? The smooth column of the throat. The shadows a sunset causes dancing. Seduction is like art to me, let me paint you a masterpiece. 

Gemini Mars

Curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat had nine lives. Opening up to try different things. Trying to do too many things at once. Falling on the floor so we stay there. A combination of arms and legs. Head cocked to one side. Observing you from a different angle. Slanted eyes. A feeling of pressure that’s quick but growing in acuteness. Busy hands. Roaming fingers. Lights on or off it doesn’t matter. I can still picture you. In my mind. With my eyes closed. You’re a permanent imprint on my psyche. My desire resides on the mental plane. Whispering all the things I want to do to you. Biting an ear lobe. Wanting to learn about every inch of your body. Tell me your fantasies and watch how fast I bring it to you in real time.

Cancer Mars

Baby. But I can take control. It depends how I feel. An emotionally charged touch. Hearts in sync. A vivid imagination. Role-playing. Wearing that outfit, I know has that effect on you. Playing coy. If I’m feeling sad, I might insist we stay wrapped in each other’s arms, just for a while. Is that OK? A stormy kind of desire. Waking up to kisses. Not wanting to sleep because this moment is all I ever dreamed of. This feels like home. Checking in with you. A sensitive kind of love. Hold me tight. So tight I can’t breathe. Only then will it feel right. TLC. Crying before, during and after sex. I can’t help it. A sudden wave of desire, greedy in nature. Strong feelings of lust. My fervor for you is bottomless, this is but a small representation of its total expression.

Leo Mars

Doing it in the mirror so I can show you how beautiful you look. Don’t be shy. Rose petals on the bed. Even more rose petals on the floor. I Wanna perform for you. An effortless performance, start to finish. This is what you signed up for. Let me deliver my end of the deal. Pride in the bedroom. Forgetting about past lovers. At the moment of release, saying my name soothes the lion inside that bares it’s teeth when you’re underneath me. Aggression. Feeling royal together. Round one barely took the edge off. Leaving my mark on you. The bedroom feels like a hunting ground. Running isn’t an option. Pleasure in all its forms. Can you tame the beast?

Virgo Mars

Acting reserved in public but it’s a different story behind closed doors. Who knew? Not afraid to get dirty with you. Voyeurism. Less stress. Surrendering to pleasure and not feeling guilty for it. Peace with the imperfection of this ritual. Perfection out of the window. Lust making a direct entrance, front and center. Tasting you. And then kissing you. Tasting us. Fresh sheets. Getting equally turned on watching you get dressed vs watching you get undressed. When we’re done, cleaning you as an act of service. Submission. A routine that brings order to a chaotic life. If I tell you how crucial this is to my well-being, will you look down on me?

Libra Mars

Fluid. Fluidity in our movements. You first, then me. Close your eyes if you like. There’s no rush. I like being here with you. Who said romance was dead? Wants and desires expressed with you in mind. Sleepy sex. In the throes of passion, you still look like a masterpiece. Can’t get enough. Delicate petals of a rose. Instinctively knowing how to get you off. Licking my lips. And then licking you down there. Playing with you with finesse. How does this feel? Dressing up, just for you. A breathy sigh released in the crook of the neck. Scented candles. Not knowing where each other begins and ends. Not caring. A true union of souls. Sharing this helps me to forget about inner turmoil, if only for a little while.

Scorpio Mars

Enticement. Pupils full and unblinking. Space between us lasts for a second. Who are we kidding? Sharing oxygen. Sucking on your bottom lip. Eyes on me. That’s not a request. Wanting to watch you fall apart. A wet trail left by a tongue. Those kinds of toys. Do you trust me? Show me how much. Fingers pressed into the skin, hard. A ghostly handprint on the skin flashes on the surface of the skin for a heartbeat. Teeth tease the throb of a pulse point. Blood rushing. Be brave enough to discover the intensity of my feelings and be sucked under. Only to rise up in levels in consciousness of a spiritual plane. Love is transformational. I’m willing to show you what you do to me. Don’t run.

Sagittarius Mars

Free rein. Sex with the possibility of being exposed. Down for whatever. Bluntness. Desires expressed with no shame. A finger over the lips. Playing to win. Feeling energized when rolling around the sheets. Nothing is off limits. Fantasies coming true. No strings attached. Watch me do you. Laughter as foreplay. Relax with me. You may have tried this position before but with me it’s different. Let’s get physical. A work out. Kissing you to muffle your screams. Messy hair. Messy sheets. How did this end up in the bed? Mundane details of life losing their importance when we’re together. Feeling the strength coursing through the thighs. I would risk getting caught with you.

Capricorn Mars

A hand on your waist in public, a hand on your throat in secret. Trust me, it feels better when you wait. Limits pushed. Burning up. Debauchery. I won’t tell. It’s our little secret. Experience is a turn on. Standards are a turn on. A sense of control. Mastery. I know this game in and out. Sex is all about power at the end of the day. Soft bristles of a whip, barely brushing the spine. I know how to do this with my eyes closed. How do you feel about blindfolds? Vulnerability. Replaying these moments, we share in inappropriate places. Seductive e-mails. Legs pressed tightly together. Having power over you is an accolade I hold close to my heart, not something I take for granted.

Aquarius Mars

Electric. Electricity when our fingers touch. Permission to be one’s free, authentic self. A non-judgement zones. Non-physical forms of affection. I’m open to trying something new with you. Inviting other people into the picture but only you can make me feel this way. Incorporating technology to add a new flavor. Feeling closer to you in group sex. Conversations intermingling within the very act of sex. Noses brushing against each other faintly. Deep eye-contact feels orgasmic. Hearing soft vibrations in the air before you feel it. Swirling galaxies. My thoughts are consumed by you nowadays, but I’m OK with that.

Pisces Mars

Altered states of consciousness. The bliss that comes when feeling wholly accepted. Complete adoration. Eyes locked. A desire to merge together. Skinny-dipping under the cloak of the night. Who cares if we get caught. No restrictions. A transcendent experience. Artistic nudes. A photo album on my phone. Dedicated to you. Boundaries teased. Biting my lip to control myself but failing. Kisses on the forehead. Reverence. I can morph into whoever you want me to. Kissing you, but my eyes are open. Moments of silence. Desires expressed without words. The sweetest dreams. Every time feels like a little death, only to be reborn again.  

[dharmafox]

Each mononoke the Medicine Seller meets can be seen as the manifestation of an obstacle he needs to overcome on his path. In the course of exorcising each one, he recognizes the next problem he faces, which is then externalized in the next mononoke.

In "Zashiki Warashi," the first barrier he faces is to begin. This is externalized in the zashiki warashi, and in Shino and her child.

In the course of facing the zashiki warashi, he recognizes the next problem, fear. His fear in "Zashiki Warashi" is that the mononoke will possess Shino and escape into the world. Shino shows him the need to bypass fear by allowing the mononoke through. Shino's choice guides him to the next step.

In "Umi Bozu," fear is externalized in multiple identities, including one who embodies the Medicine Seller's own fear for Shino - Kayo, and her fear that she will give birth to a monster. However, Kayo is not the one whose fear has created the mononoke - it's Genkei. The Medicine Seller encounters another obstacle in exorcising Genkei's fear: anger.

The anger manifests as the anger Genkei imagines Oyou to feel. The Medicine Seller feels this anger, most especially with the appearance of the hollow boat that is supposed to contain Oyou's ghost. Kayo pulls him past the anger and gets him to help them - revealing the boat to be empty. There's no real anger in this mononoke; it's just Genkei's fear.

Exorcising the Umi Bozu and saving Genkei and Oyou removes the obstacle of fear that Genkei embodies. The next obstacle to deal with is the anger.

The anger is externalized in the form of the Nopperabou. Defeating the Nopperabou requires realizing that the Nopperabou is not a separate self from Ochou. It requires her embracing her anger as a legitimate part of herself, but it also requires the uniting of "self" and "not self." Ochou recognizes both the anger and the "not self" as valuable parts of her "self."

After freeing Ochou, the Medicine Seller has exorcised all human identities that are part of his "self" - the masculine identity separated from the feminine, and the feminine identity separated from the masculine. The next step is to deal with "not self."

If the Medicine Seller is the life-force or consciousness of Mononoke's world, then on the other side of his "self" is death. If the Medicine Seller is also accepted as the buddha-nature, his not self would also be the three poisons of Buddhism: desire, hatred, and delusion. These are externalized in the form of the Nue and the three men on whom the Nue depends.

For the Medicine Seller to accept his not-self as part of him, he effectively needs to become a death force - even one driven by the three poisons. He doesn't just need to bring these people death, he needs to embrace what they represent: desire, hatred, delusion.

This probably explains why he not only tricks the men into confronting death, but seems disconcertingly gleeful about it. He wants to mess these guys up. If he recognizes what they represent (the root causes of human suffering), it could give him good reason to feel malice toward them and to feel a strong desire to destroy them.

By conforming his actions with death, the Medicine Seller returns the dead to life - including the dead wood of the Nue itself.

The removal of each barrier shapes the story of the second "Bakeneko," where the cause of Setsuko's death is found to be her boss, Moriya - a constantly terrified man who seems to be an embodiment of fear. "Bakeneko" #2 reveals the truth that was hidden behind the story of "Bakeneko" #1 - that the real, original cause of all its violence and death was fear. This, of course, was the first obstacle that the Medicine Seller needed to overcome after beginning - the first thing that stood in his way.

[forestdeath1]

What traits do you think Sirius is attracted to? Like what would his ideal type be like?

(don't be afraid to go into extensive detail about it 🩷)

His ideal type... James.

Actually, it might not seem obvious, but for Sirius, it's important that people accept him for who he is. He might not realise it, but that's the filter for whether he'll have close relationships with someone. Showing complete acceptance of him as a person, without trying to change him, and genuinely loving him for who he is – that's the first thing that needs to be in a person. Otherwise, Sirius just won't open up. So, it's either full acceptance and liking Sirius just the way he is, or à la poubelle (And this is despite his deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy and the desire to be useful)

The second crucial condition is that the partner must earn Sirius's respect. RESPECT. Sirius must want to respect them. See them as an equal partner, no less.

Despite Sirius showing care for those he loves, I don't think he'd be attracted to someone who needs to be protected all the time. Sirius cares for the weak (like animals) and those under his protection (like Harry), but his understanding of caring for Harry is specific—it's not motherly care like Molly's, it's about providing resources and opportunities for him to become stronger and overcome challenges. Sirius has a deep-rooted aversion to human weakness in general (this isn't the case with animals because they genuinely depend on humans, but in Sirius's view, humans always have the potential for action rather than just having pity parties. It's a deep respect for the concept of being Human, for their ability to make choices and their potential. He believes that Humans are capable creatures, and it's only individuals choose to give up their agency, which diminishes the very idea of being Human. This is a pretty tough and harsh view of the world, but you can see it in him right from his first appearance in PoA.)

I see two types that could attract him (of any gender), one he'd simply get along with and spend a lot of time with, and the other who could be with him for the long haul.

The first type is easy-going, cheerful, able to handle his mood swings, finds his humour amusing, and can pull him out of the occasional melancholy he falls into. Someone interested in many things, active, and an engaging conversationalist. They don't create drama or get overly emotional if Sirius does something "wrong". This person can easily and flexibly navigate Sirius's boundaries just by being themselves. They're open-minded and free from stereotypes and limitations. They don't take offence at Sirius's jokes and humour; they take everything lightly. In general, they're airy, flexible, confident, attention-grabbing, bright, cheerful, and not overly concerned with questions of morality and correctness, but fundamentally a good person.

The second type is someone quite tough and strong. Also not inclined to drama or hashing out relationships, but with very firm boundaries. If they have a quarrel, it's a real fight, not just shouting. Sirius is definitely drawn to strength in another person, and there's potential here for serious relationships and to hook Sirius for years. This person is a bit edgy, and there should be something dark about them? I don't know how to explain it correctly, they shouldn't be evil or morally wrong, but they're definitely not a soft, tender flower. Very independent. They won't sigh over Sirius and won't look at him with puppy-dog eyes, but they'll definitely express their desire passionately. They're equals in everything, or maybe even better at something. Perhaps this person should have some unusual interests. Very passionate. Very. They have an animalistic sexuality. Sirius is more submissive in these relationships. And they might not be exclusive and could date others simultaneously, but they'll always come back to each other.

And the third type–James.

Well, alright, there might also be a fourth type, someone calm, thoughtful, perhaps with some challenges in life and difficulties that they faces stoically and without complaint, etc etc etc, but I'm tired of writing, sorry. I'd love to read your versions!

[wordsandrobots]

I finished IBO recently, and I don't think I fully get why people call Mika and Orga's relationship one of "toxic codependence". That they depend on each other is obvious, but I feel like I'm missing out on why people think their relationship is unhealthy.

(Thank you for giving me a reason to procrastinate on the chapter I have nearly finished but my brain has gone 'nah' over.)

The way I look at it, there are two key levels on which it's unhealthy. These are related but I think it's worth distinguishing them, because one plays into wider problems within Tekkadan, while the other is a deeply personal matter between Orga and Mika.

But first of all, I think it's important to be clear: Orga and Mika's relationship is rooted in genuine care and affection. This is not apparent friendship built on a lie. These two really are together for life and there are many positive aspects to that. We see them joking about early on, Mika making sure Orga eats (whether he wants to or not), the ease with which they operate as a double-act -- and there's a real sense each would be dead before the series began if not for the other.

However, there is also a profound imbalance at the heart of their relationship. I've written before about how that imbalance is inverted compared to what it looks like at first glance; that is, Mika is the dominant personality, with Orga twisting to follow his wishes. At the same time, yes, Mika has absolutely outsourced his decision-making to Orga. No question. It might be Mika's desires and dreams that ultimately shape their path, but Orga is still the one making choices about where to go and who to shoot.

And it's the absolute degree of Mika's surrender that fucks Orga up. Because, to a very specific point, Mika will do exactly what Orga tells him without question. Period. Everybody else's opinions and orders are secondary to the man he's picked as his guiding star in life. I say 'man'; I mean 'boy'. This started when they were kids, after all, which is why Orga's sense of responsibility is quite so thoroughly warped.

As far as Orga is concerned, being in charge means working everything out on his own. Because Mika does not help him. Mika, at most, offers gut feelings for why something should be done; he never provides useful input on how to get from A to B. So Orga internalises that the buck stops with him, that he always has to be the decisive one, always has to have a plan.

It's masked to begin with because Biscuit is there as the angel on his other shoulder, offering useful advice and acting his second-in-command. However -- Orga never actually listens to what Biscuit has to say about the direction Tekkadan should go. That's the central tension in their relationship, in fact. Orga actively expects Biscuit to go along with what he chooses because that's what Mika does.

With Biscuit gone, there's nobody left to make even a token attempt at calling him on this tendency. Eugene utterly fails to, despite having a good set of instincts, because he's too committed to Tekkadan and too easily swayed by other people who seem to know better. Merribit gives it her best shot, but lacks the tools to approach the boys convincingly. Kudelia doesn't see it as her place. And the rest of Tekkadan fall in line over and over, reinforcing Orga's bad habits.

They trust him, is the thing. They trust him to deliver on the dreams he weaves, enough to offer up their lives on his say-so. None more than Mika himself, who literally gives an arm and a leg to make sure Orga's plans come through.

There is a point where this commitment slips out of Orga's control. I'm not sure where to pin it generally but the battle with the mobile armour is when Mikazuki makes it clear he isn't going to back down on the idea of becoming kings of Mars. He's seen Orga latch on to McGillis' offer as *the* destination, their place, where they can all be together and happy. And because he's always done whatever is necessary to see Orga's plans come through, he . . . does precisely that. Even knowing it's going to injure him further. Even with Orga literally telling him not to.

Making sure Orga gets his victory is more important.

I should stress how much this fucks Mikazuki up as well. I tend to focus a lot on Orga, but Mikazuki reduces himself down to a weapon for Orga's sake. To the point of breathing a sigh of relief once he's been sufficiently disabled he thinks he won't have a life outside Barbatos any more. Atra says at one point that Mikazuki is lazy over things that don't interest him -- that includes conceptualising an existence beyond fighting and following Orga. He does have his own dreams (being a farmer, seeing interesting sights) but actually working out how to achieve them after he's given away so much to Orga is beyond him. In the end, he simply gives them away too and chooses to keep following what he imagines Orga's orders would be.

Neither of these boys intended to do this to each other. That's the tragic part. Orga uses Mika as a weapon because it's the smart choice but it tears him up inside to see what that does to Mika as a person. Meanwhile, Mika insists what happens to him comes from his own choices and isn't something Orga should feel guilty over or see as a reason to give up.

And . . . here's where we move from the first level (Orga's no-middle-gear sense of responsibility coupled to Mika's unconditional loyalty) to the level on which Mika personally scares Orga into escalating over and over again.

It's that scene in the Montag Company ship. Or, no, it's not just that: Orga talks earlier about how he constantly feels Mika's eyes on him. Yet it's following Biscuit's death that this aspect of their relationship is laid bare.

I love this scene so much. It has the form of a triumphal rescue from grief, complete with swelling musical score, in much the way Mika often has the form of being the daring protagonist. But the content is Mika being the most blatantly scary he ever is in the entire show. The way he looks at Orga -- the way he always looks at Orga, his unblinking, uncompromising stare -- is at last framed as an overt threat. Mika is not going to let Orga give up because Orga promised to take him to the better place. What Orga wants is irrelevant.

Ah, screw it, I'm transcribing the dub script because it is so, so good.

"Tell me. What do you want me to do next, Orga?" "Hey give me a break. I'm just -" "Look I'm sorry. But I can't stop yet." "That's enough." "Now I wanna know -" "I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH -" Mika grabs Orga by the shirt, dragging him close. "Is this the place you told me about? 'Cos I won't stop. Not 'til we're there. I can't. On that day, Orga, I decided. So. How many should I kill? How many more until we get there? Because I need to know. Tell me, Orga Itsuka! You're gonna take me, aren't you? That's what you told me! What should I do next -?” "GET OFF ME! Orga throws Mika at the locker in the corner and stands up. "Yeah, alright, fine. I'll get you there. Can't turn around now anyway. That's what you want, RIGHT? No matter want kind of hell might be waiting for us. OK? Then I'll do it. And I'm bringing everyone with me." "Yeah. That's right. Take us there. So who do you need me to take out then? And what d'you want me to destroy? 'Cos if I finally get to reach that place someday, there's nothing that I won't do." SFX: lightning and thunder

This is not Mika pulling Orga out of the darkness. It's Mika driving Orga further into it, into a battle that kills dozens and very nearly ends with every single named character dead (in the real world, the commissioning of a second season saved them; in universe, it's stubbornness and pure fluke).

What would it be like to have someone so committed to what you've promised them, they would do anything for you, up to and including refusing to let you break your word? What would that be like if said person was the most dangerous individual you had ever met in your life, because there is a point past having no sense of self-preservation where no line is 'too far'?

That's Orga living with Mika as his shadow. That's not healthy. That's not sane. Orga comes loose at the seams attempting to be what Mika expects of him, and I think he's genuinely terrified of what might happen if he can't.

It goes the other way too. The scene in the ship is one of two times I'd say, yeah, that's what Mika looks like when he's scared. The other is immediately prior, when it seems Carta is going to kill Orga. 'That's what you told me' isn't just a reminder for Orga; it's the closest Mika gets to a crisis of faith. Seeing the one you believe in waver is its own form of terror and Mika has committed everything he's got to Orga. He can't conceive of stopping now.

[I should say, I primarily watched the dub and the vocal performances vary somewhat here even if the underlying intent doesn't. I love what Kyle McCarley does, injecting a note of increasing franticness into Mika's speech, but Kengo Kawanishi hits the volume rise hard on 'What should I do next?', hammering home just how much he needs an answer. Of course, they then both give Mika this deliciously bloodthirsty joy when he gets the one he's looking for.]

I don't know if there's anything Orga could do that would truly break Mika's faith or push Mika to turn that prodigious strength against him. I don't get the feeling Mika is the kind of person who'd ever hurt a friend for real. He isn't cruel and we see how much friendship matters to him (woe betide anyone who hurts the people close to him).

But what these two are actually capable of is beside the point. What matters is what they think of one another and they each think the other is the most amazing thing in existence. Orga sees Mika as near superhuman and Mika sees Orga as fantastically brilliant, and they're both afraid of being proved wrong, so they aim for an impossibility imposed by their mutual expectations.

The further they head down the shortest path to their goals, the more Mika crumbles physically and the more Orga crumbles emotionally. Like an engine shaking itself to pieces as it turns faster and faster. Love, hope, faith, determination -- and no brakes. A mad charge towards destruction.

I don't tend to describe things as 'toxic'. For whatever reason, it's not a word with much presence in my vocabulary. Still, I think it fits here. Mika and Orga's relationship might have been healthy, in a kinder world. It's undeniably the most important aspect of their lives. There's no intention on either on part to cause hurt. But the combination of who they are and the circumstances they are trapped in means they're ultimately toxic to each other.

No matter how much they care or want what's best, the very form of their relationship impedes their ability to grow, cuts them off from those who might be able to help with that, and eventually leads them to their deaths.

-----

Well, that's how I see it anyway. I hope this helped? I think Iron-Blooded Orphans does some pretty brilliant things in terms of presenting fucked-up relationships that have positive aspects while at the same time dooming the participants, so I'm always happy to ramble about that aspect of the show. Or indeed, any aspect of it at all!

[gynoids-over-androids]

How do you deal with being a radfem in the art world? In feel like I made a huge mistake in my younger years when I was drawn into queer art and now most of my art contacts are 'queer'. Not only is queer art getting worse and worse when it comes to quality and pretty void of intelect but I also feel if I say exactly what I want with my art, Ill be outcast forever. Not that I have loads of succes but everything would be over then : ( these days Im staying off feminist topics because I know, if I do something woman centric, people will not like it..... I feel like an idiot coward.

im currently switching to tech and continuing art on the side, to secure my wellbeing financlially at least. i think if i wasn't doing it, id be way less eager to talk about feminist topics...

i also feel like a coward sometimes, i know what you mean. for example for this exhibition/art residency i didnt outright tell im a radical feminist, i said im a "materialist feminist who goes to the root and re-mater-ializes female history" lol. i know i wouldnt be "allowed" to mention it at best (happened to another art piece about a radfem) and #cancelled at worse. i know other radfems who are more outspoken about this, i feel like a coward compared to them, but i also think being strategic wouldnt hurt. i think there are ways to present your work and yourself that wouldnt compromise it but also wouldnt completely erase what you want to say.

when we were working on this exhibtion, honestly i didnt even say anything when they were talking about certain topics cause that would be high risk, low reward. for others, id turn their own tactiques on them ("wow, this is something i only hear in the west! maybe i dont understand this cause im an immigrant", "wow thats crazy that there are so many different genders, in X language we only have the word for sex and we use the english word "gender"for sexist stereotypes") etc. It was VERY funny!

i had accusations of transphobia because i often depict vulvas in my work abt women, so i just mad fun of these accusations ("what, do i need to stick dicks everywhere then? im not interested"). a male artist with a piece about gay men which only depicted dick havers didnt (normal) have this criticism ofc.

i agree 100% with what you say about "queer" art. it's such a meaningless label today in the art world, it's anything but subversive. ime it's something these (western and middle+ class) artists use to mean "abnormal", but about ANYTHING! (ex. making art about your stay in a mental health clinic is "queer"). it's SO bigoted.

personally i have a "squeeze every opportunity" mindset. if TRAs want to infiltrate the art space (predominantly female at least in the beginning btw) and make everything about them, why cant we? we need to use every opportunity we can, because i can guarantee no one else is gonna make real feminist art. we need to be strategic about this, sure.

another thing (and thats just my opinion) sometimes we just need to present feminist work without marking them as radical. expressing radfem views and describing them as normal feminism is safer for us and makes the piece more accessible to others, and thats my ultimate goal. im not interested in arguing with cultists, im interested in making art for women.

finally i think its important to create our own spaces and opportunities. id love to make an exhbition or a book abt radfem art one day.

if you want to dm me to talk more, you're welcome, i'll respect your desire for safety

tldr i deal with this by humour + idgaf attitude + trolling + not depending on this financially + being strategic with what you say

[coy80sboy]

Thoughts I have on the appeal and problems of detrans kink as a trans person who likes it sometimes. Hoping it’s helpful to some trans/nb folk, or cis allies. (note: I’ve lived as trans for more than a decade and won’t be stopping.)

First, the existence of people who enjoy detrans kink doesn’t “disprove” the authenticity of trans identity in the slightest. Cis men who say it does are just saying it IN ORDER TO GET OFF. You shatter the illusion if you explain what it’s really about. Which, oddly, I haven’t yet found online.

Kink has everything to do with your personal desires. It reflects you and you alone, not others. It would be the weirdest gaslight if we said a few people loving scat proves all humans love scat… might say you’ve been online too much down a rabbit hole.

But what about trans guys who enjoy detrans? What about trans/nbs who haven’t even taken hormones who are into it? (And I know some trans people look at them and wonder, are they really trans? I’ll set that question aside because it doesn’t really interest me and I don’t think there’s a single answer anyway.)

This is my theory about the appeal of detrans kink. I think wrapped up in detrans kink is a heavy dose of submission and sometimes humiliation kinks. But all the language about “fakeboys” and real men covers up who actually deserves praise, adoration, and applause.

That would be trans and non-binary people. Because, speaking as a fully grown, confidently trans masc person who loves their life being trans, I can say that what I’m getting off to is me. It’s me, at the root of it all, and the titillation of my own body having the amazing ability to change.

To be clear, I’m not reducing trans identity to physical changes or saying I transitioned as a kink. Absolutely not. What I am saying is, the experience of transitioning made me fall more in love with my physical body. Now, others may not feel this way but I do think what they’re getting off to (besides submission or humiliation, which is nothing new) is their body’s transitive powers. That’s their own power, actually.

I call it power because the cis guy is not bringing that to the dynamic. The cis guy needs someone trans or nb, someone who actually has a creative, disruptive, rebellious identity so that he can get off. Let’s be real… the cis men who are strictly into trans men/mascs/nbs for detrans kink, who may like us more than they like cis women… the thrill would not be the same if we were actually cis women.

They’re getting off on the fact that WE ARE TRANS. Trans people are essential to the detrans kink. The fantasy is of “correction” is about control and feeling superior/more powerful. To get that power rush, a cis person requires a trans person.

To trans people who are uncomfortable with or don’t understand detrans kink, I think you need to understand the desire for sub/dom relations (the giving up of control and entering a mental subspace) and then, in my case at least, connect that with something akin to autoerotica… getting off on your own body and talking about it, perhaps doing things to it, and enjoying someone else’s attention and consensual control during that process.

With regard to cis men who want to gather trans subs and indulge in maga talk 24/7, I would of course be suspicious of them and any cis people’s accounts that constantly talk about detrans and wanting to control trans people’s identities completely, and don’t share any supportive trans content that isn’t detrans related. Because they aren’t giving respect to the community whose existence they depend on in order to get off.

In closing — if you happen to be one of those guys and feel mad about what I said, just know idc if you spam me. I’ll either block you or I might engage and get off to it, because I’m creative like that 💋

To everyone else — I get that there are terfs and maga people who find reinforcement when they see detrans kink. Unfortunately, there’s always going to be someone who misunderstands you. And prejudice takes a long time stamp out. Transphobia isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, but we can be clear about what is at the center of transphobia and any kink involving trans identity — it’s trans people. We’re at the center of it, and we’re actually what people are worshipping and needing a hit of.

To young trans people getting taken advantage of by exploitative cis guys… just know that if you take your time, you can actually meet cis men who will love being with you without wanting to isolate you from trans and queer community. Find them and enjoy your kink and your power.

[broodwolf221]

Merrill meta

cw: canon character death; blood magic; discussion of anti blood magic sentiment beyond that, general heads up for discussion of the fate of Clan Sabrae, culture shock, grief, guilt, Chantry/Circle propaganda, etc.

So far, I haven’t written meta specifically and exclusively about Merrill, although I do have a lot of thoughts about her. A caveat: I am many years removed from playing DA2 and have no real plans to replay it (it’s a good game, but it’s very heavy for me for certain reasons), so I won’t be as specific here as I might be in other meta. This is going to be more about the sense I get of her overall character and her arc within the narrative.

First, I want to talk a bit about her history.

Merrill comes from the Sabrae clan, but was born in the Alerion clan, in Nevarra. But Alerion had sufficient mages and Sabrae did not, so Merrill was transferred to the Sabrae clan when she was four years old. At that age, she may be able to remember her prior clan, or she may not, especially if any part of the journey or transition was traumatic to her—which I find likely. Not because the Dalish are abusive or anything like that, but because the simple nature of leaving the familiar for the new can be traumatic, especially for a child, doubly so for one new to her magic. So it’s not clear what, exactly, her feelings about this are, but I think it’s safe to say that she does have feelings about it. She had what could easily be considered a tumultuous and possibly traumatic experience as a young child.

The Sabrae clan loses Tamlen for sure, and possibly Mahariel as well, depending on the origin the player chooses. Merrill does not contract the Blight, but she does lose one—and possibly two—clanmates to it, and the Keeper insists that they move on, despite her wanting to stay and research the Eluvian. I think there’s a lot of room for interpretation about why she wanted so badly to stay: it could have been primarily rooted in a desperate attempt to save Tamlen, and possibly cure Mahariel; alternatively, it could have been primarily rooted in a desire for her people to know more of their history. Regardless of primacy, I think both aspects were present, and would be shaped by the specifics of her relationship with Tamlen and possibly Mahariel.

I’m a little fuzzy on the exact timeline here so I’m gonna be generalizing, but she took a piece of the Eluvian with her; she contacted a demon at some point; she became a blood mage; she was rejected by her Keeper; her Keeper taught her clan to fear her; and she ended up in Kirkwall with Hawke and the rest of them. Both the demon and the blood magic were things her Keeper knew about, so they happened prior to Hawke approaching the Sabrae clan and ending up with Merrill joining, and if memory serves, her clanmates were wary about her at this point, but not as fearful as they later became.

The point of this meta is not to explore matters of fault, only Merrill as a character, but as an aside I will say that I think a great deal of this was the Keeper’s fault, but I also understand where she was coming from. We as players are accustomed to blood magic being more nuanced than it is presented culturally in-game, but I think it’s worth remembering and recognizing just how reviled blood magic truly is in-world. The Dalish are not a monolith, each clan individual, but among those we see they seem to share the opposition to blood magic with much of Thedas, with the obvious exception of Tevinter. Although even that is more complex than “Tevinter thinks blood magic is good!” but again, not the point of this meta.

I am, however, bringing this up in part to acknowledge that this in-world bias is at play with the DA2 companions. Anders has been raised with Chantry and Circle propaganda, and still believes much of it; Fenris is an ex-slave from Tevinter, where he saw blood magic at its worst. And I think even among those who accept her more—Varric and Isabela, for instance—they are still deeply prejudiced against and wary about blood magic. And I’m certain she recognizes that. How can she not?

So I think during the course of the game, she feels very much on the outside of the little group Hawke has assembled. There are certainly moments of kindness and camaraderie between her and the other companions, as well as moments of paternalistic contempt, but overall I think she views herself as being on the outside. And she’s also on the outside in her home life. Whether Alerion or Sabrae, she has spent her life with Dalish clans, but is now living in an alienage with city elves. There’s a huge culture shock going on here. There’s also no cultural familiarity between her and the companions. And if Hawke romances her (I’m ignoring rivalmance because I haven’t done it) then she’s with a human. I’m not saying that’s bad, but I am saying that Hawke could never be a cultural touchstone for her. And that’s okay, by itself! But I do think it contributes to and exacerbates the feeling of otherness, in her specific situation.

Now, the fate of Clan Sabrae. If they survive, Merrill has been shown as clearly as possible that her Keeper does not trust her and is actively working against her—whether it’s “for her own good” or not is immaterial (and shitty, condescending, and paternalistic as well, even if the Keeper truly thought this the best or was trying to save the many at the [potential] cost of the one), as it is still a major violation of trust. If they do not survive, then Merrill would feel—true or false—that it is her fault, at least in part. That it was the Keeper’s actions which endangered the clan would not mean that someone deep in grief would not draw the connection from their actions to the end result; this is a normal experience among people who grieve, although nothing about grief is a monolith, either.

So at this point, Merrill has felt: some kind of way about being transferred between clans; a loss due to Tamlen (and possibly Mahariel); rejected for her ideas about the Eluvian; judged by her clan for her use of blood magic; rejected by her clan as a whole; disrupted due to intense culture shock; judged and demeaned pretty heavily for said culture shock; also judged and demeaned for the blood magic, this time by those she works with/may consider friends in Kirkwall. 

So I think that it makes sense how, in a romance with Hawke, she’s… not really there so much? There are comments, I think from Bodahn, about how she doesn’t seem to be acting/feeling very much at home in Hawke’s estate. And of course she’s still going back to her home in the alienage, both because of her continued efforts to restore the Eluvian and because she has begun to build a life there for herself and is still connected to the other elves there, even if there is still a degree of mutual wariness. But I think her long history of rejection after rejection has made her—understandably!—wary to trust anyone. 

However kind and compassionate Hawke may be in this situation, they would not be able to cure Merrill of all her trauma through love, even within the entire lengthy span of the game. So I don’t find it surprising that she continues to exist on the periphery. It would be easy and natural for her to feel like she’s only being provisionally accepted. And at the end of the day, I think that sense has less to do with how Hawke is treating her or how sincere their feelings are, and more to do with Merrill’s background and history.

However, I do think it would be a bit different with a blood mage Hawke. I think under those circumstances, she would feel more deeply accepted. I don’t think it would get rid of the feeling of it being provisional entirely, being far too simple a cure for far too complex a wound, but I think the familiarity and shared basis would help put her at ease. She’s not being accepted despite the form of magic she chooses to employ. Of course, this interpretation depends a bit on Hawke and their point of view on blood magic, whether it varies between their own use and how others use it or if it’s more broadly accepting, but I’m going with the idea that a blood mage Hawke would likely be tolerant of blood magic, even if they only used it as a last resort or out of desperation or for any other of the many, varied reasons why someone might choose to utilize such a loathed type of magic.

So tempted to continue this into “and this is why I ship her with—” territory but I’ll leave it here so that those who just want Merrill content don’t have to sit through my shipping conversation lmao.

[a-student-out-of-time]

I actually remember seeing that someone called Mikan a manipulative person who end up be nurse so she could make patients weak and dependent on her... Is this true?

//This person is wrong about everything and here's why.

//I've actually had this same discussion with Poi before, and I'll repeat the conclusions we came to.

Mikan is not a manipulator, an abuser or a yandere.

//And louder for everyone in the back:

Mikan is not a manipulator, an abuser or a yandere.

//Are we clear on that? Good, now I'll tell you why.

//Whenever this negative interpretation of her character shows up, it's always because people think about the standout examples of her worst traits in isolation and jump to the worst possible conclusions about her as a result:

//Yeah, if you look at any of these on their own, it sounds bad, but that's not how you get a complete look at a character.

//For one, that scene in Island Mode? It's immediately followed up by this:

//Mikan Tsumiki is one of the most interesting and complicated characters in Danganronpa, and that's the reason why she's my favorite.

//See, Mikan's behavior is explained through one simple fact. It's not that she was abused and bullied throughout childhood, it's why it happened at all.

//The idea that Mikan is only trying to control people or that she has a self-serving victim complex are rooted in a very malicious interpretation of her actions, when these two scenes together showcase the most important core motivation she has.

//Mikan is afraid of being forgotten/ignored. I'd go so far as to say she has a real condition called Athazagoraphobia.

//This already in relation to PTSD and feelings of low self-esteem.

//With this in mind, it perfectly describes all of Mikan's actions and responses to her situation. She's desperately afraid of being ignored or forgotten about by others, which lead to her allowing herself to be abused throughout her early life. I've had my interpretations as to why, but whatever abusive environment she grew up in left her with an actual phobia likely related to neglect or exclusion.

//It's probably why Mikan is constantly asking to be forgiven, because she believes that not being forgiven meets that people are going to ignore, exclude or reject her.

//It's also why she finds herself in "compromising positions" so often. To her, being hurt, humiliated or leered at was still a better than people ignoring her. We have a bad habit of framing attention-seeking behavior in a purely negative light and never ask what drives people to do it.

//And that brings us to why she became a nurse in the first place. Mikan was hurt so often and people refused to help her, so she had to learn how to treat her own wounds, which is how she became a nurse.

//Think about everything I've talked about so far and apply it to this situation. Mikan's realization isn't about a desire for power and domination over others, it's about a desperate craving for acknowledgement. To be in a position where she can't be ignored.

//The reason I say Mikan doesn't have a victim complex is because, outside of her rants in Chapter 3, she only ever apologizes and tries to make sure people aren't mad at her. Real victim complexes are about people framing themselves as the biggest sufferers in any given situation and why they deserve special treatment, which Mikan never does. Anything she says in the third trial is colored by her interactions with Junko, so they should really be taken with a grain of salt.

//But she never fishes for compliments or seeks sympathy for her situation, she doesn't lash out at other people regularly, she doesn't actively blame anyone, she doesn't make up scapegoats, and she doesn't find new things to complain about. Everything she says about herself is very earnest and always very negative, because that's how she sees herself.

//That's not a victim complex, that's bottom-tier self-esteem. Frankly, and I say this because I also enjoy her as a character, but Toko is a better example of someone with a victim complex than her ^^;

//Instead, Mikan puts her own fear and insecurity at the center of her actions. She worries that she's the problem, and that she needs to have people acknowledge her in some manner or else they'll ignore her and forget about her. To her, that's a failing on her part or a punishment for not being good enough.

//It's caused her to develop this perspective where people are either acknowledging her, and that's good, or they're ignoring her, and that's bad. Rather than seeking power, Mikan seems more like she's trying to be a servant and prove that she's useful, thus worthy of attention. She doesn't really grasp that people not acknowledging her doesn't mean they hate her, and that she only ever defines herself based on how other people view her.

//Hajime's response at the end of her FTEs is actually a very fitting rebuttal.

//Does that mean she's done nothing wrong? Of course not. Her attitude has had negative consequences and, yes, it's led to her making bad decisions. However, that doesn't equate to her being manipulative and abusive, it means she's someone who needs to understand that relationships can be built outside of the cycle of acknowledgement and neglect that she's grown accustomed to.

//Bad actions don't equate to someone being a bad person, and the role of psychological harm in those actions shouldn't be ignored or a cause for dismissing them as people completely.

//And this feels like I'm only scratching the surface of her as a character, because there's so much else I could say, but I think I've made my point clear with this much.

//Mikan is one of DR's best characters and I want more people to fucking acknowledge that.

[soracities]

“Liberty, taking the word in its concrete sense, consists in the ability to choose. We must understand by that, of course, a real ability. Wherever men are living in community, rules imposed in the common interest must necessarily limit the possibilities of choice.

But a greater or lesser degree of liberty does not depend on whether the limits set are wider or narrower. Liberty attains its plenitude under conditions which are less easily gauged.

Rules should be sufficiently sensible and sufficiently straightforward so that any one who so desires and is blessed with average powers of application may be able to understand, on the one hand the useful ends they serve, and on the other hand the actual necessities which have brought about their institution. They should emanate from a source of authority which is not looked upon as strange or hostile, but loved as something belonging to those placed under its direction. They should be sufficiently stable, general and limited in number for the mind to be able to grasp them once and for all, and not find itself brought up against them every time a decision has to be made.

Under these conditions, the liberty of men of goodwill, though limited in the sphere of action, is complete in that of conscience. For, having incorporated the rules into their own being, the prohibited possibilities no longer present themselves to the mind, and have not to be rejected. Just as the habit, formed by education, of not eating disgusting or dangerous things is not felt by the normal man to be any limitation of his liberty in the domain of food. Only a child feels such a limitation.”

Simone Weil, The Need for Roots (trans. Alan Wilis)

[spookspark]

The Kindness of Bocchi the Rock

Reposted from my blog over here. Spoilers for the whole show.

Seasonal sensation anime Bocchi the Rock! draws most of its comedic material from its severely socially disfunctional titular lead. It would’ve been easy for BTR to fall into mean-spirited jokes at the expense of her personality, but no matter how much a disaster Bocchi ends up being at a given time the comedy never actually feels like it is punching down on her, and instead serves to make her all the more endearing and relatable to the audience, a character one can feel themselves rooting for without question. BTR achieves this by the multi-faceted nature of its narrative and characters, expertly blending expressionist comedy and realist seriousness to tell its story about personal growth and the meaning of expression in niche art.

Across BTR’s twelve episode runtime Bocchi will explode, glitch out in real life, cause Drakengard ending E and be hurled through unrendered 3D space into a pile of white cubes. The immense creativity the anime staff displayed in depicting Bocchi’s frequent neurotic outbursts is a big part of what makes the show so continuously fun and engaging. But this highly imaginative approach to animation is contrasted by the dead seriousness of the technical mastery with which the show’s performances and more important moments are animated; Scenes like episode 8’s impressive performance and posterior intimate exchange between Bocchi and Nijika are animated in a wholly non-comedic, realistic manner that respects the characters’ serious attitude in those moments.

This contrast between expressionism and realism are what makes BTR’s comedy never feel mean. The audience is not simply laughing at Bocchi having a meltdown, but rather at the entirely unreal manner in which they are depicted: The onus of the comedy is not in Bocchi’s anxiety, but rather in the subjetivization of the experience for the audience. We see Bocchi’s anxiety in first-person, immersing ourselves in her own struggle, the result being a show in which any comedy born from her lack of social ability is one that is not laughing *at* her, but rather *with* her, in a manner in which the audience can relate to her experiences and find laughter not on her anxiety, but on the imaginative ways in which she feels it.

But this wouldn’t work on its own; were BTR only a full-blown comedy and anxiety was everything Bocchi was, the show might’ve still come out as mean-spirited. But anxiety is not everything that characterizes Bocchi: She might not see it herself, but the show depicts her as an incredibly driven person who, despite her difficulty to do so, is nevertheless trying to change for the better. BTR’s comedy is often found in these attempts, but not so much in the failure of them. The show might laugh at the bizarre ideas she comes up with to fit in, but has nothing but respect for the willpower she displays in learning music and in her desire to better herself. And it ultimately pays off: Bocchi at last finds in Kessoku Band and the other characters she meets along the way friendship and support, and people willing to love her anxiety-ridden self as is.

This wouldn’t really be anything special if the rest of Kessoku Band weren’t so remarkably independent compared to other kirara-type shows of the kind. This type of slice of life depends heavily on the group chemistry that develops between its protagonist group and, as is natural, screentime tends to be heavily devoted to their interactions with each other, and the development of a cast comprised mainly of kind people who like each other. Bocchi follows this trend too, of course, and most of the time we’ll be made witness to the time our pink friend spends with the rest of Kessoku. But while Bocchi is naturally the focal point of the show she gives her name to, BTR smartly sets aside enough time to provide glimpses into the individual lives of the other members: Nijika is shown doing housework and even practicing while cooking, hinting at the absence of her parents prior to the episode 8 reveal; Kita is shown spending time with her other nameless friends, and chronic loner Ryo often ditches any companionship whatsoever to spend time alone with her music, while possibly coming up with new ideas on how to mooch off Bocchi the next time she sees her. 

And while Bocchi is certainly the protagonist of the show, she is by no means the protagonist of Kessoku Band. The band does not center around her, but is one where all members have their own place, and the relationships between the characters echo this: Nijika’s banter with Ryo is distinct from the kindness with which treats Bocchi and Kita, displaying a tsukkomi attitude to the antics of the bassist with a naturality that speaks to the confidence they have in each other as friends who have known each other for a longer time. Ryo started the band with Nijika to get to play the music she wanted, and Kita just wanted to get in the pants of the aforementioned.

The reasons for everyone to play in the band are different, and no matter how skilled she is, Bocchi’s presence is one more of the bunch, what she brings to the band being not a higher contribution than the others’. It was even the opposite initially, with Bocchi’s first performance with Nijika and Ryo being a failure due to her own inexperience playing in a group.

And yet they both stuck with her, and happily welcomed to the band, quickly becoming friends and improving together. Because, in spite of her total lack of social skills and initial apparently lackluster musicianship, Bocchi is still a fundamentally kind and likeable person who, while she might think of it as her being unable to say no, still remained in the band to repay them the kindness they showed her by giving her the little slice of Earth to belong to that she so strongly craved. It is this willingness to stand by her new friends, and to coach Kita, that in turn leads them to develop genuine affection and friendship with her. And as these characters have been repeatedly established as having lives of their own both in and outside the band, this love they hold for Bocchi is not simply a narrative contrivance to keep the story going, but rather comes across as a choice these characters conciously make not for the skilled guitarist “guitarhero”, but for the socially anxious mess who nevertheless made the effort to help and stand by them.

The duality between Bocchi’s online persona and her real self speaks to her growth as a character, and to what the show has to say about self expression. As “guitarhero” Bocchi displays a high level of skill and substantial popularity, but this fame came through the covering of already popular songs; her internet persona is a faceless entity who plays others’ already popular music just for the sake of achieving fame, sending these skilled but hollow renditions into the equally faceless masses of the net. As Hitori Gotoh the newly minted Kessoku guitarist, however, she is completely unknown and needs to work on her skills, but for the first time in her life is playing her own songs with her own lyrics, gloomy and depressing as they might be. And it is easy to see which of these personas earns her more fulfillment.

Because, ultimately, Bocchi the Rock! is a rejection of the idealized rose-tinted life experience of the mainstream seishun rock Bocchi can’t stand, and a wish to remain deep in the trenches together with the little unkown niche bands and artists that might never make it big, but nevertheless put their heart and soul in the music they make, no matter how commercially undesirable it might be. Guitarhero’s music is popular, but Bocchi’s music is genuine, art that is born from who she is and what she has experienced.

Episode six brings a cathartic moment to Bocchi’s journey as she plays a street performance to a small audience. These performances too are an expression of a deeply niche art, existing only as one-off instances that are gone in the wind once the music ends, never to return again. But as we all know, this kind of performer will always have an attentive audience listening to their music. For Bocchi, this leads her to realizing that she never had any enemies in the audience, that music listeners aren’t people who she need comply to mainstream tastes to make interested, but people who want to listen to her sound. Bocchi the Rock! believes that as long you sing from the heart, there will always be someone willing to listen to you.

The climactic performance of episode 8 marks another step in her growth as a person. Bocchi had already come to the realization that someone will listen to her, but what about the band she belongs to? The people who had given her a home, friendship, and the possibility of change? Bocchi’s stellar guitar solo intro to “That Band” isn’t simply a wish for the audience to love them, to love her, but an expression of the love she feels for her fellow bandmates: To give them the motivation to display their musicianship, their art, their expression, their goals, to the best extent of their capabilities, in the same manner they had given her the possibility to do the same.

Episode 11 ends with a cliffhanger showing a rapid cut of the spaces previously inhabited by Bocchi. Spaces that once boxed her in but were nevertheless important for her growth as a musician are now recontextualized by her absence: The concert hall is giving her the green light to go, Jimihen faithfully awaits the return of his family, and the closet she spent so much time confined to is now open without her inside, the light shining on her room through the open curtains. The couple of songs they perform for the school festival still keep the fairly gloomy lyricism of before, but at the same time hold a more optimistic outlook on her present and a recognition of the people important to her. The guitar she had borrowed from her father breaks, prompting her to buy a new one that would be now be truly her own, playing no longer the music of others but hers.

Bocchi the Rock! is ultimately a very kind-hearted show. Bocchi’s growth is enabled by the network of supportive friends and acquaintances she unwittingly makes by pure happenstance, people who love and accept her for who she is, and wish to stand by her even in her worst moments. And that is what Bocchi the Rock! is saying: That when it comes down to it, there really is nothing inherently wrong or unlikable about her. Bocchi must change, wants to change, but this change does not mean to the conforming of a socially appropriate existence, to the living of the idealized youth life of seishun rock, but a change that would have her accept the love she receives from those who care about her just the way she is, and to achieve the willingness to return that love and express herself. Shine on, you crazy tsuchinoko.

[voxxisms]

relationship specific takes for alastor?? he's here right now so i may as well!!

it depends heavily on who you are, because women? utmost gentlemanly respect, as much patience as he can ever muster, he will handle your problems without hesitation if you have any, he will bear the cross, encourage your goals ( especially the bad ones! ). if you have any power as a woman, he either wants to guide you along his path of sorts in a beneficial to both sort of way, or he wants to be able to control your stuff. not necessarily in a malevolent way, but just as an extension of needing control. that way you dont even have to worry a pretty little hair on your head. he's most likely to have very genuine friendships with women, && while he can certainly still be manipulative, he is much more likely to believe its for your own good, whether you can handle yourself or not

with men?? oh boy. he's got complex feelings, because to him, masculine intimacy is violent, sacrificial. kill for him, die for him. if you won't shed blood for his sake, then clearly you have little care, or you're a bit of baby, in which case he is like to make fun, push you around, call you names, do more damage than he necessarily means to but get joy out of your cries. this often applies to anyone he would view in a familial way, too. his father came crawling on his knees for help, && he did help in the way he knew how, in the most devoted, loyal way. he saved him, as far as he was concerned, from the humiliation he himself later felt. he will kill for you, he will die for you, he will carve you up to hear you plead with him to make it stop because he knows how. there is nothing at all more intimate to him than spilling blood, being allowed to spill your blood for his own entertainment, or spilling his own for yours.

granted, you're much less likely to get him to do it, because there aren't a lot of people who want to stick around after he's rooted around their intestines.

edit: romantic relationships he is very bad at. he will sleep with people to get what he wants, he has no qualms, but as far as real interest?? he's not really there. he's very heavily grey in both categories, sex - neutral as well. he's not abhorred by it, but more so views it as a means to an end && not something he's ever found himself desiring for desire sake. romance is very similar, he doesn't really understand what it would mean, his parents were loving with each other but he had a lot more focus in his life on, you know, killing people. he would hardly know the difference between platonic love && romantic love because they all lead more or less to the same place as far as his priorities / behaviors go.

[acityofrefuge]

07.29

Introduction ♱

This is a last resort.

I do not enjoy writing about myself; I may even hate it. My livelihood revolves around documenting the latest advancements in medicine and synthetic biology. Passions and aspirations were left behind long ago for a career and the promise of stability. As I set aside my desire to write my truths and quench my thirst, I defy the odds laid out by those before me.

It’s fucking exhausting.

Even in days past, I never wrote about myself. Instead, I immersed myself in the characters I read about or watched in the countless pieces of media I had the time to consume. I fell in love with their struggles, perhaps projecting myself onto them. I clung to these characters so tightly, devoting myself to these fictional beings, only to be disappointed by the reality beyond the page.

Sometimes I feel I am not meant for the real world.

Now, I am grown. Independence found me early, carrying me far and gifting me with early successes that impressed those who still had others to rely on. They don't understand the circumstances; I would be the same as them if given the opportunity. Desperately, I would cling to what they consider normal, let it nurture me, and bask in a newfound dependence. In an attempt to taste reliance, I took a lover—one who grew up properly loved and appreciated. This didn't do much for me; it only exposed the gaps left in my development from a lack of care. Strangely enough, it was humiliating.

Love is humiliating.

And though it is humiliating, it is stable. My relationship screams stability. Perhaps I am the most unstable piece in the puzzle of my love; I am the root of most of our quarrels. This is not my intent. This petulance and rage are not something to be proud of. Memories of the past fade into sunken emotions that surface at the slightest hint of criticism. Though unprovoked, these bursts of emotion are so powerful that even I am surprised. So, I suppose this is an attempt to confront these feelings, to reflect enough to quiet the nagging thoughts and let the past rest.

To those reading, I offer a warm welcome. May you find solidarity in these stupid and meaningless ramblings that I promise you I will never act on.

[valleyfthdolls]

Horuda redesign doodle. I don’t feel like making another cheap looking profile mock-up so she goes without one for now.

Rambling under the cut:

It goes without saying that Horuda Puresu is not a fucking name. Hosho means “treasure holder” though, tying to her first name meaning “holder”, and Umezu is a misremembering of her canon “real” last name Umetsu which I decided I liked more than her real last name because it ties to Kazuo Umezu, an eroguro artist.

Hosho is meant to look pretty average, with features like moles, coarse black hair, a boxy jaw, broad shoulders, a small chest and a generally bigger build that make her a target of bullying for being “unattractive”. A lot of the girls at the academy have been made to believe their worth is dependent on their appearance, so they go above and beyond trying to look extraordinary and attractive, and anyone who doesn’t or can’t (such as Hosho) is ridiculed for their looks. This is part of the reason for her fragile personality. I think the whole bullying thing started when Hosho was young, because she was just “weird”, and that caused her to develop anxiety and low self esteem, which became fuel for the bullying, creating a constant loop.

Hosho does have a personality outside of being bullied, though, because frankly that’s not very riveting storytelling. Though shy, Hosho is imaginative, and has a taste for horror art- specifically manga and books. She draws a lot of guro in her free time, and hopes to become a manga artist after graduation. As such, she’s a member of the art club. Most of the other students in it think she’s creepy, but Geiju appreciates the objective quality of her art. When she needs to escape from reality, she sometimes hides out in the clubroom, sitting on the floor next to the stall where people change in and out of their smocks and drawing. She’s also a frequent patron of the library for this reason, and occasionally exchanges conversation with Kumi, though they both prefer their space.

She also likes fantasy video games, and spends most of her time at home gaming. Fantasy specifically appeals to her because of her deep rooted desire to escape the life she lives.

The glove she wears is for digital art, but she’s grown fond of wearing it whenever she draws, and keeps it on while she draws on paper and canvas as well.

[towersofprospit]

How about the Knight of Heart? As a treat. It's my classpect.

🌑 Of course!! Thanks for the ask. 🌑

Knight of Heart

Knight: Knights are a protector class, through and through. They use a mask of self-importance/“cool”ness to hide how much they care for others, and they’re happiest when their friends are happy.

Heart: Heart is the aspect of emotion, self-expression and the True Self. Because of this, they can be very different depending on class, but you can certainly never accuse a Heartbound of being shallow. They can have trouble separating their inner world and the real world, though.

Inverted Title: Rogue of Mind

Oh this is gonna be fun, knights are among my favourites. Very well then. A Knight of Heart is an interesting case. How does one hide behind identity? Simple enough, a KoH wants everyone to believe they know exactly who they are. And it works, too! From the outside, a Knight of Heart is impenetrable. They may not be the most well-liked person in the room, or the most talented, but it doesn’t matter, because they’re completely aware and sure of themselves, and that means nothing can shake them, be it a petty insult or a crisis.

Whether this is actually true depends on the particular knight and how far along they are in their development, but it will nonetheless be something they strive for. This Knight is also interesting because it would genuinely be hard to parse said development, since they were hiding behind their true self in the first place. Even if their mask consisted of Emotion rather than Self, or some other aspect of Heart, the end result would be the same. Long story short, a Knight of Heart would be Rose Lalonde’s worst nightmare.

We’ve talked at length about the inner workings of this Knight, now let us look at how they might interact with the world around them. Heart players seem to have an innate understanding of what makes up the core of people, their heart if you will, and Knight being the class of innate skill with their aspect, this ability would become a weapon in their hands. Just as with all knights though, this weapon is a double-edged sword, and a Knight that is too empathetic may let their understanding of people get in the way of treating them as they deserve, or in turn a more unempathetic Knight might come to see any person’s action that doesn’t match up with the version of them they perceive as a deception. Whoo, that was a sentence and a half.

I feel as though I’ve been a bit harsh to this classpect. That’s part of the nature of the Knight class though, occasionally they need a reality check. Not that their heads tend to wander, Knights tend to be fairly rooted in reality, only that they tend to lose sight of others’ perspectives in favour of their own. Particularly unhealthy knights also tend towards self-sustaining loops of anxiety, usually somewhat regarding their aspect. “Is the version of me I show others truly who I am? Are my emotions justified?” A Knight that can stay grounded is a formidable force, however, and should not be underestimated.

A Knight of Heart might be someone who enjoys and is skilled in roleplaying, and by connection RPGs. They strike me as the type to enjoy games where decisions and consequences hold real weight, and their dialogue options always reflect their true feelings, rather than the ‘good’ path most main characters are pushed into pursuing. They might also be skilled in matters regarding technology, coding and torrenting, and for some reason my intuition tells me scrapbooking. It’s an interesting idea, for sure. If you’re a KoH feel free to tell me how you feel about scrapbooking I’d love to hear it.

Mostly they need to remember that their achievements hold weight, and others cannot prescribe meaning to what they hold dear, only they can. As the knower of all that is irrelevant, I would know. Also, they shouldn’t let the whims of others become obstacles for their own desires.

[drdemonprince]

To the anon who asked about seemingly ‘porn addicted’ people who use porn and masturbation compulsively to deal with trauma: from the description you’ve provided of people who feel horrible about the kinds of porn they watch as well as their trauma histories, it’s kind of impossible for me to believe that shame is not also part of the equation there. 

But much as with the examples I listed in the article, I think treating the root issue is again the solution (insofar as porn use is presenting a real impediment or risk in the person’s life that they want to change): treat the trauma, help the person feel more stable and less dissociated, and help them either feel less disturbed by their porn habits or help them develop a suite of other ways of self-regulating when they are triggered, or both, depending on the person’s desires and needs. Porn addiction yet again is not an explanatory framework nor does it offer solutions -- if trauma is the problem, treat the trauma, if shame is the problem, treat the shame, and usually someone experiencing one will need support navigating the other as well.