#and of course it remains an analysis and the discussion on everything I put forward remains open

[calitsnow]

Ranpo's parents and their influence on his life + Ranpo’s anger + how Fukuzawa gained Ranpo's trust

The second episode of Bungo Stray Dogs Season 4 was released today and it continues the adaptation of my favorite novel from the series; the one depicting the meeting between Ranpo and Fukuzawa and the founding of the agency.

And I have so much to say but let's start with the topic I want to talk about the most:

The red thread of this post will be: Ranpo's parents

Unfortunately their importance has been diminished in the episodes and I can not help but tell myself that it is a significant loss for the understanding of the character of Ranpo but also many other themes and events that were closely linked to them.

Through this writing I will address four points:

I/The identity of Ranpo’s parents and their relationship with him

II/The influence of Ranpo’s parents in his life following their premature departure

III/The breaking point

IV/The birth of Ranpo’s blind trust in Fukuzawa

So be prepared for a long but (I hope) interesting ride

Whereas the first episode was based on introducing us to the past characters of Ranpo and Fukuzawa, especially introduce us to their encounter and to set up the different elements for the rest of the story.

This second episode had also a clear theme: the anxieties and the feeling of alienation from the rest of the world that gnawed at Ranpo.

But also the how of why Fukuzawa chose to lie to him and make him believe he was an skill user and why Ranpo believed him.

And these are very important elements to the character of Ranpo, because it is indeed this meeting and the words of Fukuzawa that gave him such a blinding faith in him and I would even go so far as to say, that shaped this haughty and superior behaviour that Ranpo showed at the start of the manga.

I'm not saying that Ranpo wasn't like that before, but he was so; in a much more moderate and silent way because of his parents' words (we'll come back to that later) and what stands out above all in Ranpo's character (either at the time of the founding of the agency or at the moment present in the manga) is his childish character coupled with a hint of haughtiness and an intellect superior to all.

So far, all we knew was that it was Fukuzawa who had given his glasses to Ranpo, who had revealed to him the fact that he is an "ability user" (even if it is a lie) and that he had founded the armed detective agency so that Ranpo can fully utilize his gift without fearing the outside world.

But it's never been made clear why Ranpo and Fukuzawa's bond was so strong, and we'll later learn that Fukuzawa didn't just create a safe space for our great detective, but was also the one who saved him from the image of a world that was breaking him a little more every day.

I have sometimes read posts that speculated on what Ranpo could have become if it hadn't been Fukuzawa who had found him but Mori for example, and often the conclusion is clear, either Ranpo would have ended up even more broken and frightened of the world he lived in or had he been influenced by someone who, like Fukuzawa, understood Ranpo's true potential but tricked him into using it for manipulative and scheming purposes, he would have been shaped to be someone like Fyodor or Dazai.

We could often witness as the manga progressed that Ranpo lost to Fyodor because, firstly, he was facing a very intelligent opponent but also because he is not able to set up and foresee all the stratagems which pass by the manipulation of the emotions of the men, whereas Fyodor and Dazai are specialists in it.

And this is due to the fact that Fukuzawa (and his parents, we will also come back to this later) did not educate Ranpo to use his intelligence for this, but to solve mysteries and have a strategic vision which is based on data / facts.

However, that also doesn't mean that Ranpo would be unable to become like Fyodor or Dazai, although he could never match them in their domain. He has already demonstrated that he can do so by manipulating Mushitarō Oguri into surrendering to the police.

Anyway, I digress a bit and I ended up not talking about the episode anymore.

But it was only to show that these episodes are very important to better understand the character of Ranpo and how he came to be who he is today.

Especially to explain the behavior of superiority that Ranpo adopts which can annoy some at the beginning of the manga because its origin is not clearly explained and can pass for simple arrogance linked to his childish behaviour.

Even though the theme of this birth of feelings of superiority and the theme of the fears related to a Ranpo who fails to understand his environment and who is not able to find someone who seems to understand him were addressed during this episode; some equally important themes/elements were unfortunately not brought up by the latter and I find that’s a shame, especially when they are such important elements in Ranpo's life and that manga/anime only cannot know unless they did research on the light novels.

To be fair; I think that the episodes do a fairly good job of adapting the novel but unfortunately; adapting a novel with so much informations into three episodes is a tedious task and certain elements must be skimmed over or deleted to keep the essential that is here, namely the meeting between Ranpo and Fukuzawa, Ranpo's discovery of his gift through Fukuzawa and the founding of the agency.

Ranpo's parents are a detail in all this, a way to deepen his character but they are not necessary to the story, only their death is.

But I still think it's a shame to have cut their involvement in their son's development because it's not just the loss of his parents that fractured Ranpo, it's also the vision they gave him of the outside world which led to his feeling of alienation.

Many people might wonder why Ranpo couldn’t figure out on his own that he was smarter than the rest unfortunately the episodes didn’t really try to give an answer.

I therefore wish to clarify things for the anime and manga only who would not have had the opportunity or the desire to read the novel 3.

I/ The identity of Ranpo's parents and their relationship with him

« What was your father’s name?”

When Ranpo told Fukuzawa, he was slightly taken aback. It was a name even Fukuzawa knew. There wasn’t a soul who worked in his business who didn’t. The man was a legendary detective. The “Headless Officer” case, the “Moonlight Phantom,” the “Cow Head Incident”—he helped solve several difficult cases that shook the nation.

His powers of deduction and observation were so extraordinary that people called him the Clairvoyant.

He was highly respected and praised. »

Even if in the anime Ranpo informs Fukuzawa that his parents are no longer of this world, he does not go further in his explanations and the subject is quickly forgotten while in the book we learn more about their identities.

We learn that Ranpo's father was also a great detective, which in a way can serve as an explanation for Ranpo's exceptional intellect, the apple does not fall far from the trees, especially when we learn later who was his mother.

Above all, we learn that Ranpo's father was a well-known figure in the world and that he was respected everywhere as a great detective, this public image may have harmed/endangered the Edogawa family and the cause of their deaths was perhaps not so accidental. But here, it remains speculation.

Ranpo then continues with new information about his mother.

« He probably wasn’t amazing enough to be known to the public or anything, though. He could never beat my mom when it came to solving mysteries or reasoning, so she always got the upper hand on him when they argued back home. »

Here what is interesting, in addition to the information about his mother, is that Ranpo, unlike the rest of the world, does not consider his father as someone exceptional and whose intelligence, surely, did not allow him to be someone famous.

Which is so telling about Ranpo's skewed worldview and which is a clue to the true situation he really finds himself in:

« Ranpo knew the secretary was the criminal the moment he walked into the office, but the reason he didn’t speak up was because in his head, he thought the adults in the room all knew that as well.{…}

Or perhaps it was because he had simply lived a sheltered life in a bubble with his parents and no one else »

Ranpo grew up isolated from others, alongside geniuses but he didn't grow up with this vision of them, seeing them as normal people with a banal level of intelligence, because that's how his parents wanted him to see them. (We will come back to this later)

Second information: Ranpo's mother was also if not smarter than his father, which confirms to the reader that Ranpo grew up surrounded by eminences grises on the same level as his.

However, unlike her husband, she was not a public figure.

Third information: either Ranpo's father hid his activity from him and managed to hide his reputation at home or he retired to live a less dangerous life and not endanger his family with all the enemies he could have gain over time, hiding in anonymity.

« He hated the countryside. He hated the people, the school, and essentially everything else there. »

Moreover, we learned that Ranpo was brought up in the countryside, facilitating his isolation from the rest of the world, but even if he was isolated it seems that Ranpo still felt this feeling of ostracization from the others.

Even if Ranpo mostly talk about his inability to understand the world after the death of his parents, we cannot rule out the idea that Ranpo did not get along with children of his age because of his different reasoning from theirs.

If this is true we can conclude that even before the death of his parents, Ranpo felt misunderstood and left out, being unable to understand others and to act like everybody excepted him to.

However he had the presence of his parents that allowed him to live without worrying about that. Their presence and ability to think like him, allowed Ranpo to feel normal in a world that didn't seem that much to him.

In sum, Ranpo's situation can be summed up by one of the sentences from the novel:

« A naive only child raised by genius parents… »

Here is the beautiful family picture that the book paints for us, but that's not all:

So we know that Ranpo's parents were intelligent, his father was respected, but they seemed to live far enough away from the rest of the world that Ranpo might not be able to realize their off-the-charts intelligences.

But there is another characteristic to describe the Edogawa family: they loved and cared deeply for each other.

Well, in truth, we can't really know what the relationship was between Ranpo's parents, but even if he mentions "arguing where his mother had the upper hand", I think it was heated arguments between two smart people trying not to lose to each other, nothing too bad anyway.

What matters most is that they ensured the education and development of their son, at least until their death.

Also, the way Ranpo seems to talk about his parents doesn't hint at a relationship driven by tension.

And it is made clear throughout the book that Ranpo was raised with care and love by his parents and that he loved and respected them deeply.

« You’re special, Ranpo, and if you so desire, you will become a greater mind than even your parents.”

“As if.” Ranpo immediately shot down the claim. “My parents were amazing. There’s no surpassing them to reach the top because they were the top. Neither of them ever told me once that I had a gift, and I believe them. »

« But Ranpo’s parents did that with their extraordinary minds. What was such a feat, if not unconditional love? »

« The only thing he liked was his parents. »

Ranpo often mentions his parents throughout the book and one can clearly feel the respect he had for them and feel that Ranpo out of love and respect for his parents is applying everything they have teach him: Because his mother taught him not to place himself above others, it is unthinkable for him to put himself above someone else, especially when his interlocutor is an adult.

And above all, Ranpo is incapable to place himself above his parents because they were the only people who were ever able to understand him (more on that later) and it’s because he loved and respected them so much that Ranpo can’t imagine going against their teachings.

And it was this lovingly constructed cocoon that was meant to protect Ranpo from the outside world.

« The protective wall his parents created was thick.

That wall protected Ranpo from a world of ordinary people who would fear and fail to understand him, yes{…} »

But unfortunately not everything went as planned.

« {…}but it was also what rendered him unable to step into the outside world. »

II/ The influence of Ranpo's parents in his life following their premature departure

But what were the consequences of this isolated education and stopped too abruptly?

Main effects can emerge from this:

Ranpo's parents "normalized" his level of intelligence, making him feel like his brain capacity was the one of any child or adult. But why? It is true that, one could wonders why Ranpo's parents sought to educate Ranpo in the most total unawareness of his gifts?

The answer is all found in the book:

« So his father knew, after all. He understood that Ranpo possessed an extraordinary gift. That was why he sealed it away. He didn’t want Ranpo to go astray, to ever hurt others and make the world his enemy. »

« His father wanted Ranpo to learn virtue and what’s right just like any ordinary person until he had grown up with good judgment and knowledge. »

All is said. Ranpo's parents were aware of his gift and what it entailed; and they knew the danger that the world could represent for their son if he failed to understand and adapt to its workings.

This is why they sought to hide Ranpo's gift, so that over time, when their son would have matured; he would be able to understand and adapt to the world despite his difference.

However, his parents weren't just doing it for the world, they were doing it for their son first: Ranpo's gift is still a unique talent that many might seek to use but above all they didn't want Ranpo to find himself alone because of his difference.

Why didn't they tell Ranpo that he was smarter than the others?

Well, the situation is quite complex, but from what I understand, Ranpo's parents did not want him to feel excluded from the rest of the world and wanted him to grow up like an ordinary child, so as not to accentuate this feeling of "being different" that Ranpo will have to deal with all his life. They also wanted Ranpo to know how to be humble so that, what he manages to see and divulge is not seen as arrogance.

Moreover, explaining to a child that he is special and different is not easy, because even at 14 years old, Ranpo does not understand why he is the one who had to be different.

« Besides, why would only I be special? There are so many people in the city, so why would I be the only special one? »

« But even if this hypothesis were true, how would one explain that to this kid? “You’re special. You have something that others don’t.” But why? And how different exactly was he? How could it be proved? »

Depending on one's feelings, it may seem more like a twist of fate, a curse, forever preventing him from understanding others and the workings that seem logical to anyone else.

A real feeling of bitterness and frustration coupled with loneliness can arise from all this, especially when others do not make the effort to try to understand in return.

Explaining to a child that he should not act according to what seems logical/correct to him without a concrete explanation is a complicated situation, especially when Ranpo's parents were able to understand him without him needing to adapt. I think Ranpo’s parents didn’t want him to hide his talent but they also din’t want him to feel the pressure that come along with it.

Especially since the difference, when you are a child, is not very well received by other children. They will not try to understand what seems strange to them.

A child does not admire another child for his intelligence, especially if it’s a child who cannot understand others and communicate as expected of him, he will just see him as a weirdo.

Ranpo's father has therefore created a cocoon woven of lies or at least omissions about reality to let Ranpo mature for the time it takes, until he is ready to accept the truth about himself and act accordingly/ appropriately for others to understand.

« He was protecting him, creating a transparent cocoon to protect his extraordinary gift from this strange world. Ranpo’s parents raised him like an ordinary child.

How difficult it must have been to convince him that the world he saw was normal and nothing he knew was anything other than common sense. »

He did not want his child, because of his gift, to have to live a childhood filled with stares full of misunderstandings and judgments. Ranpo didn't deserve to be blamed for that.

« Ranpo, still naive, may have fallen into that trap, but he did not deserve to be blamed. Nevertheless, Ranpo was an extreme case. Although he possessed such extraordinary powers of observation, he didn’t think he was special. Why? Was it his parents’ fault? Was it because he lived a sheltered life with parents who had minds that rivaled his? »

However, the death of Ranpo's parents prevented them from seeing to the hatching of this cocoon and Ranpo was therefore never made aware of his talent and what it involved. Forcing him to live with an idea of ​​a reality that, now, only oppressed him with its lack of logic, which no one seemed to notice.

« But long before Ranpo had fully matured—far before Ranpo was ready for the world—they departed this life. An immature yet gifted larva was stripped of his cocoon and abandoned. »

The only people who could understand him and answer him satisfactorily had just tragically disappeared without leaving him with anything concrete to hold on to. (Apart from the job at the police station but no one there was able to explain to him why the world was so strange).

Which means that Ranpo has kept the vision that his parents have always taught him and transmitted of the world: you are like everyone else and everyone is like you.

« Ranpo knew the secretary was the criminal the moment he walked into the office, but the reason he didn’t speak up was because in his head, he thought the adults in the room all knew that as well. That must be why he kept rambling on about himself rather than the murder. {…} »

But this vision did not help - because where it acted as a protective barrier in his childhood (a barrier maintained by his parents), once immersed in the middle of the active world — this sea without landmarks — at only 14 years old, this vision represented more of an anchor that prevented Ranpo from moving forward.

« He didn’t understand others because he didn’t think he was special. He didn’t think he was special because he didn’t understand others, which only confirmed what his parents had told him. It was unyielding logic that fed off each other{…} »

He couldn't destroy what had been the truth to him for 14 years, especially when that truth was taught to him by the only people he loved and who understood him. And that truth was the only thing keeping his head above water.

And so Ranpo lived in a world where he thought everyone else could see what he saw but everyone pretended not to see because that's what adults do.

And we arrive to a very important new point in this blockage that Ranpo has towards himself and his own abilities; Ranpo is still a kid

He lived all his life isolated with his parents but that was enough, but here he is, released in the middle of the jungle at only 14 years old, in a world that he thinks he understands but which constantly sends back an illogical image to him.

« However, Ranpo still hadn’t realized that what he saw was only visible to him and him alone. He was still immature in that sense. »

Ranpo is a teenager, a very intelligent one yes, but still a teenager, of course he will show immaturity and not correct himself, because even if he suffers from it, it does not make sense for him to do that.

« If a kid like me was able to figure it out, then surely you and the police already noticed a long time ago, right? My mother never got tired of telling me, ‘You’re still just a kid.’ And I agree with her. I really don’t understand what adults are thinking. Sometimes I even doubt they know anything, but that’s not even possible.” »

« “You’re still just a kid.” Of course you don’t understand adults. Because adults are smarter than you. Is that what she meant? It’s not hard to understand why Ranpo’s parents drilled that into his head, at least to a certain degree, and yet… »

Ranpo fails to understand adults and we see that he has already suspected that adults do not see the same things as him but it was an impossible idea because the latter had been taught to him by his mother. This lie, which was meant to protect him, prevented him from accepting his hypotheses. Also the only adult example that Ranpo had in his life was his parents and his parents understood him, his parents were as smart as him, his parents knew. So of course, since this is the only image he has of adults, he cannot imagine another one.

It is as if he only knew the color red but was asked to visualize blue, impossible.

And the fact that the others around him are adults and he is a teenager doesn't help because his mother taught him that adults know best.

A child cannot fully understand adults because he is not smart enough to do so yet, there are some things that you only understand as an adult.

Ranpo's parents must have wanted to instill this value in him so that Ranpo would listen to them growing up and know that even if sometimes his life can diverge, an adult has experiences that allow him to better respond to a situation or how to behave.

But this vision of the adult should surely also help Ranpo to know how to behave if he had to face another adult, he should not be pretentious but respect him so as not to be scolded for no reason.

Especially since Ranpo was educated by his parents to go/fit with the others and to adapt his behavior (so as not to offend those who listen to him and keep a low profil).

« Uh… My father always said, ‘One day, you’re going to surpass your mother and me, and you’re going to win the admiration of all those around you. But now’s not that time. Stay humble and keep your silence. Always be modest. Just quietly observe and don’t hurt others with what you discover.’

…Or something like that. I don’t really know what he meant, though.” »

« My mother told me to never look down on others. »

Ranpo's parents taught him to be silent and they associated this silence with the respect and humility that children should show towards adults. This mechanism was still intended to protect Ranpo and his talent but this mechanism was meant to disappear over time, it was simply to help Ranpo not to make the world his enemy until he was big and mature enough to understand and accept his difference. But his parents were never able to break this mechanism (because they died before they could), leaving him with a defense mechanism that only increases his feeling of odds with others, which is what his parents had done everything to avoid.

"What good would that have done?" Ranpo replied as if he was offended. “You're all adults. Do something about it yourself. What good is asking a kid what he thinks is going to happen? Besides, everyone gets mad when I state the truth.” »

“There it was again. Fukuzawa felt as if something was off. “I have absolutely no idea what adults are thinking,” the kid said—and something about how that came across seemed vaguely wrong. »

Ranpo thinks it's normal for him not to understand adult behavior because he's still a child and he makes sure to remember that. In the novel, Ranpo often refers to himself as a child, because that is what he is, but he also very often puts this word in parallel with "adult", indicating the clear and sharp border that there is in his head. Of course Ranpo think this is the only difference capable of explaining why he does not see the world like the others because it’s the only one he found.

Because of all this, Ranpo doesn't understand others and goes through what his parents always wanted to prevent:

“Most people would probably chalk it up to powers of deduction, but…even if the average person couldn’t understand him, surely the reverse wouldn’t be possible, that he couldn’t understand them? There was a decisive discretion. »

"He didn't understand others because he didn't think he was special. He didn't think he was special because he didn't understand others, which only confirmed what his parents had told him. »

This vicious circle in which Ranpo has found himself trapped is a trap from which he cannot escape on his own because nothing proves to him that he is trapped because no one tries to understand and/or no one succeeds. And his inability to understand other people prevents him from thinking that he would be different, that he could be smarter because who considered himself intelligent if he couldn't solve an equation that everyone else did seem to know how to solve.

All of which brings us to our third point.

III/ The breaking point

“Ranpo was all alone. After losing his parents, he was thrown into a confusing world to wander without a path. He had no one to turn to and nowhere to go. He was merely surviving, existing. »

This sentence sums up very well the true state in which Fukuzawa found Ranpo, even if it was not apparent at first glance.

Ranpo was alone and this loneliness hurt him, broke him a little more every day and no one seemed to be able to understand him or answer him without coming into confrontation with his very precise idea of ​​the reality that his parents had sown in him.

And that's where Fukuzawa's intervention comes in and saves Ranpo from a mental breakdown and the birth of, I think, a real hatred for everything around him.

We will now go into the beginning of an analysis of the parental figure parallel between Fukuzawa and Ranpo's parents and how they are both opposite and similar.

But also an analysis of the adaptation of the anime compared to the light novel.

“Ranpo’s eyes were ablaze with fury. “Seriously, why? It makes no sense to me. I don't understand anyone! Why are adults like this? Why is everyone like this? Someone, just tell me why!” he shouted. This outburst didn't just come out of nowhere. Doubt and stress had been swelling inside him for the longest time, waiting to explode. “I don't understand what anyone's thinking! I'm scared! It feels like I'm surrounded by monsters! It doesn't matter what I say—nobody understands me! My parents were the only ones who did, and they're dead!” This time, he was screaming—an anguished lamentation aimed at nowhere with clear animosity in his eyes”

This is how Ranpo's breaking point is translated in the book; a real cry of rage, a call for help filled with despair that can only be expressed with animosity and anger because the situation has been going on for so long, without any improvement, that only frustration can result.

And we can only understand: Ranpo was alone but and felt misunderstood since forever and the accidental death of his parents did not help to accept this situation.

We clearly feel a rage, a hatred buried in Ranpo that took root a long time ago and finally bloomed.

It's a last cry for help filled with raw, honest sentiments from a teenager who doesn't understand what he's doing wrong.

In the anime this distress isn't expressed in the same way, first because we don't really have time to dwell on all of Ranpo's emotional struggle as much as in the book and we don't have time either to explain how this pain is also related to the death of his parents, because the anime didn't show their importance in his education and growth as an individual.

In the anime, this cry for help comes more like a stifled cry, a surplus of emotion that fails to express itself. You can almost see it as a mechanism that Ranpo adopted; he wants to express what he feels but does not know how to make himself understood, so he is only able to collapse into almost complete silence with clenched teeth, relying only on himself; but he comes to the same conclusion again and again:

« "If there's a skill user here, save me! If there's an angel, then save me! Why must I be alone?! Why do I have to live alone in the middle of a bunch of monsters?” »

Ranpo wants to be saved no matter by whom and despite that all he sees are monsters around him.

And that pressure, those fears, that feeling of not understanding, that has built up over time is so strong in the book.

It's alluded to in a subtle way by all of Ranpo's mentions of his past failures to fit in with the rest. Until it has become too much to bare and take the form of a cry of rage during the opera.

I find that in the book, the oppression of this life that Ranpo has been leading for almost a year is very well illustrated and really supports the character's lost/desperation and how Ranpo was really a bomb ready to explode.

What makes this outburst of anger even more striking is that it is pure and genuine. It's a raw emotion that Ranpo can't express otherwise.

"This outburst didn't just come out of nowhere. Doubt and stress had been swelling inside him for the longest time, waiting to explode. “I don't understand what anyone's thinking! I'm scared! It feels like I'm surrounded by monsters! It doesn't matter what I say—nobody understands me! My parents were the only ones who did, and they're dead!” »

We really feel the broken state in which Ranpo is:

Ranpo has tried to accept himself and understand his environment but despite his best efforts nothing seems logical to him and the others only make fun of him.

This idea is all the sadder when we see how much the death of his parents and the resulting loneliness affects Ranpo on a daily basis: he is a child who does not know that he is special and who has lost the only ones capable of understanding him and giving him this sense of normality and all he feels now is that it's his fault.

Here Ranpo is just the image of a scared child crying for the comfort of his parents.

In the anime, I feel much less this aspect of total rupture; in the novel Fukuzawa compares Ranpo's situation to him being on the edge of an gulp, ready to jump at any moment.

However, even if this comparison is very accurate, it is not really what stands out in the anime.

Ranpo doesn't really seem angry with the outside world, he seems more scared and lost, suffocating in this illogical daily life.

The anime mostly kept this aspect and his impression of being misunderstood by the world, but it didn't really keep the frustration that Ranpo had been able to accumulate, because this frustration takes on more meaning if they had time to talk about Ranpo's parents and the education they gave their sons.

Ranpo doesn't understand the outside world?

In the anime it's because it's a world he had never known before the death of his parents, it's the world of adults and it's a world that seems illogical to him and this absence of logic frightens him, but there is no anger, why?

Because the past vision of Ranpo’s world has not been broken (or at least the situation has not been presented like that to the viewer).

Whereas in the novel Ranpo found himself in the middle of a strange and illogical world whereas until now it made perfect sense thanks to the presence of his parents. So it's easier to understand why in the book Ranpo is reacting angrily, it's because he's frustrated at not understanding what he understood so far and feels like everyone is laughing at him out of pure malice.

I can't say that I find the adaptation bad either, because even if it removed all this feeling of anger in Ranpo, I admit that the anime replacement of it with a feeling of a suffocating helplessness is pretty interesting.

It fills the most important spot; letting us understand just how suffocating was the life he led.

They're just two different expressions of his emotions and two different images of his character.

In the book, Ranpo tries to understand others and fails but he doesn’t accept his failures and it results in anger.

In the anime, Ranpo tries to understand others but fails and therefore forces himself to live with this anguish even it suffocates him until he breaks down.

Two different stages but which stem to an event necessary for the development of Ranpo: his breakdown.

Ranpo can no longer live with such a reality

Ranpo's parents also served to create anger in Ranpo and for me that anger seemed so important to show because it tells us so much about Ranpo and the pressure that has been on his shoulders, it is a part of him . And this anger is all the more bitter when you know that it's just the anger of a 14 year old teenager, it seems so legitimate and you can't help but have empathy for Ranpo because even for us all of this seems too unfair

However, no one told him, explained to him that his view of the world is wrong and that none of this is his fault.

Nobody knew or took the time to do so, before Fukuzawa arrived

That's why Fukuzawa takes on this role of father figure in Ranpo's eyes, because he fills the role that his parents couldn't assumed until the end.

The parallel is so strong and so much clearer in the book because Ranpo's parents are constantly mentioned and paralleled with what Fukuzawa is trying to do: help Ranpo to accept himself and live normally.

I think removing the scenes mentioning Ranpo's parents is a loss, since they are the ones who had the most influence on his life and they are the ones who made Ranpo think the way he does in the past. Especially the mention of the role of Ranpo's parents in his life and his development because they were also supposed to be a parallel with the role (of parent) that Fukuzawa will decide to take on in the life of the great detective and all this parallel was supposed to support that idea.

Which bring us to the last point of this post:

IV/ The birth of Ranpo's blind trust in Fukuzawa

The problem I have with the anime is that everything is very fast. But really very fast, because unfortunately we don't have time to dwell on what can be seen as detail / bonus.

Just as proof of this, the absence of Ranpo's tantrum from the theater is mostly, I think, a way to simplify the after discussion with Fukuzawa and gain time.

In the book Fukuzawa doesn't calmly lead Ranpo out of the room and the two leave with some annoyance towards each other.

The most noticeable difference is that Fukuzawa doesn't know how to help Ranpo right away, and it's not as easy for him to find the right words and solution to appease the young boy.

But mostly, Ranpo doesn't trust Fukuzawa so easily. Because even if he is surely one of the only adults who is ready to listen to him and try to understand him, Ranpo is not going to sweep away everything he believes in just because a “stranger” suddenly explains to him how it works.

Fukuzawa must gain Ranpo's trust before he is able to change him. And I find this scene so important because we see that Fukuzawa did not just arrive with a ready-made solution and easely eclipse everything Ranpo's parents built.

We learn that, this so important trust that Ranpo shows in the manga towards him, this loyalty was won by Fukuzawa and does not simply come from the fact that Fukuzawa has offered glasses and "his gift" to Ranpo

This scene makes us understand why Ranpo gives so much importance to Fukuzawa. Because even if he is the one who found a solution to his problem, he was, above all, able to gain a position of guidance figure, of a parental figure in the eyes of Ranpo.

He took the place of his parents.

But then why isn't this scene illustrated in the anime, when it explains and complicates Fukuzawa and Ranpo's relationship?

Well because of the lack of time, the absence of Ranpo's anger and the abscence of the "presence" of his parents in this conversation.

“My parents were amazing. There's no surpassing them to reach the top because they were the top. Neither of them ever told me once that I had a gift, and I believe them.” »

““Don’t think you can control me with a few compliments.” Ranpo slightly warned his gaze. »

In the book, Fukuzawa tries to get Ranpo to understand the truth by bringing up his parents but it doesn't work as Ranpo only sees it as compliments and more lies.

Ranpo loved his parents and his parents loved him, so it is very difficult to destroy what they have built, especially when Ranpo has only known Fukuzawa for two days in front of his parents who raised him with this love for 14 years.

Still symbolizing the importance of his parents in his life and the influence they have even after their deaths

“He was stubborn. The protective wall his parents created was thick. »

"If Fukuzawa didn't use just the right amount of force, then the damage would be irreparable. »

Fukuzawa must then turn to something else and he must above all be careful not to cross the line, which could break Ranpo.

And even though Ranpo is suspicious, Fukuzawa manages to offer him the start of a new perspective:

“Have you ever thought the people around you were stupid? That they were a bunch of fools who didn't understand a thing?” »

He achieves this by talking about a situation that Ranpo has faced before but does not accept because it goes against what his mother taught him.

But what allowed Fukuzawa to gain the ability to change Ranpo's point of view, what convinced Ranpo to listen to him and stop believing what his parents had taught him.

It's simply: his sincerity.

Whether in the anime or the book, it's Fukuzawa's sincerity that earns him some initial trust from Ranpo.

“Fukuzawa was not an eloquent speaker. He wasn't someone who could manipulate others with his words. There was only one card left up his sleeve that he could play. Sincerity. »

“Ranpo carefully observed his expressions. »

And Ranpo was able through his observation skills to understand this sincerity and to believe in it. It was this sincerity that marked the beginning of the deep relationship that would unite them.

It's almost ironic that Ranpo and Fukuzawa's relationship starts out on both a lie and a truth at their rawest.

“If you refuse to acknowledge your gift, you are no different from the bloodthirsty man I used to be. You must recognize your talents, especially now that your parents are gone.” »

“All he wanted was to be able to tell a little white lie so that this kid could see the simple truth. »

Thanks to this, Ranpo is ready for the first time to believe in something else, he wants to understand and is ready to accept Fukuzawa's explanation because he no longer sees him as someone who could manipulate him but as someone sincere.

“But—then tell me. What am I? What were my parents telling me? Make me understand why I'm here—why I'm like this. If you can do that, then I'll believe you.” »

That doesn't mean he has to deny everything his parents did for him and hate them, no, he just has to find a new interpretation for their behaviors.

Fukuzawa does not seek to antagonize Ranpo's parents and what Ranpo learned from them because they are not the enemies in the story. Ranpo just doesn't have to choose between their version and Fukuzawa's because Fukuzawa manages to make them cohabit between them and I think that helped Ranpo to accept that it's just because of a new factor (his skill) , awaken after the death of his parents that he began to no longer understand the world. It wasn't his fault, he was just unable to control his gift.

And so here come Fukuzawa's lie.

The situation is almost the same in the anime, except for the following:

In the anime, it looks like Fukuzawa thought about and came up with the idea of ​​the ability use naturally, it felt so natural that I even thought it was weird when he tried to backtrack at the end of the episode.

But in the book Fukuzawa gives this answer in a rush because Ranpo gives him the chance to help him get better and that's what Fukuzawa wants to do.

“Ranpo was no longer sulking. Instead, he was honestly looking for an answer—something he'd never done before. And Fukuzawa was the only one who could give it to him. »

"Fukuzawa didn't have much time. If he let this chance go by, Ranpo would probably never seek answers again. »

“Anything would do. He just needed to say something. He had already used the ace up his sleeve: sincerity. He wasn't good at persuading others or speaking eloquently, either. He was even worse at lying. »

“As if by reflex, Fukuzawa said: “Because you’re a skill user.” »

Fukuzawa sincerely wanted to help Ranpo, but he was in a rush and was unable to come up with a more stable plan. It was his environment that influenced his choice. It may seem rash but what mattered for now was that Ranpo could accept that he was not the one missing something but that the situation was reversed: the rest of the world was missing something.

“{…} and the only way to breakthrough was to shine light on something completely new. Something different. »

This status of skill user had become the new beacon in Ranpo's life, it was thanks to this that he could navigate in the middle of this sea filled with lack of logic.

That's why Ranpo clings so much to his status as a skill user at the start of the manga, because it's the only truth that was able to save him and given to him by the one person he has been able to believe.

This was new data that Ranpo didn't know about until the theater incident, so he never got to consider this possibility on his own, which makes the situation perfect for Fukuzawa.

"Yours (skill) is the reason why you're in pain and why everyone seems like a monster." “…???” Ranpo was at a loss. He blinked in silent confusion. »

And even then, Ranpo still doubts, because he doesn't understand why he would be special, because his parents always made him realize that he wasn't but Fukuzawa manages to justify that.

“Your skill awakened when your parents died. »

In the anime Fukuzawa remains calm but Ranpo accepts this "explication" much more quickly whereas in the book, even if Fukuzawa keeps a straight face, he moves forward guided by his impulses and his only goal: to help Ranpo get out of his cocoon.

He must insist, explain, and convince Ranpo of what he is saying.

“Fukuzawa gave thanks to his daily training. He had no idea what he was saying, but his heart was racing, and cold sweat dripped from his palms. Nevertheless, his expression was completely still. »

“Any hesitation in a fight with real swords could lead to death. The enemy must never get the chance to observe your eyes and predict your next move. That was why Fukuzawa was naturally able to keep a straight face, was feeling anguished or terrified. »

And it is with this calm and perseverance that Fukuzawa manages to convince Ranpo of his new status.

But the book shows us the complexity of how Fukuzawa became someone so important to Ranpo and where this blind loyalty comes from.

Then comes the moment when Fukuzawa finds an object to allow Ranpo to focus: the famous glasses.

This symbol of the sincerity and trust that unites their relationship is also the symbol of its basis / of how it all began.

It's a rebirth for Ranpo

« “{…}repeated Fukuzawa as if he were imprinting that thought on a newly born chick’s mind. »

But what matters is that Fukuzawa managed to help Ranpo and that he understands what is really happenning and who he really is.

« "Isn't it all clear now? The world isn't a frightening place. Everyone else isn't a monster. They're just stupider than you." Ranpo caught his breath. He traced his finger around the glasses' frames as he weighted. “But… No, could it be…? »

[braintapes]

The Hotel Podcast Season 3 Analysis: Part II - The Lobby Boy

(Time to blow out another candle.)

Welcome back! Part I was allll about the Manager's arc, covering episodes 3.1 - 3.4. We saw the Manager as she was repeatedly killed by a pale, gibbering creature, we watched the darkness consume her and the lobby, and we also witnessed the Hotel being built, in a way.

The Manager's been killed again by the gibbering creature. Now we see from the Lobby Boy's perspective. Well, we will see.

As I said in my previous post, S3 is simultaneously the old crew's origin, end, and a place/time/series of events they intermittently return to. This means that we're seeing the staff in a very specific, raw state of being. A different a lens to understand them through.

(Time to make a wish.)

This season functions as a collection of character studies showing us how the old crew responds to inevitability. The certainty of death. There is no release for these three, as there may be for the guests. There is only dying to wake up to die again.

The Manager's arc emphasized the certainty. The Lobby Boy's arc will showcase the cycle.

As always though, this is only my own personal read on the text/audio. Analyzing the art and stories I like in this way is a creative fun outlet for me, and my hope is that this can prompt more discussion for other people too. I love getting to see other people's perspectives and bring up stuff I hadn't considered!

Enough preamble though, let's get right to it. (Do get comfy though, because this is nearly 7 full word pages long)

(It's almost my birthday.)

To properly set the stage for the Lobby Boy's arc, I need to talk some more about the Manager first. Who is the Manager? What drives her?

I'm going to go by Season 2 here. I believe S2 is another, though different, look at these characters. There, we see them as raw as raw can get. They're a mixture of ingredients sitting in the pan waiting to be put into the oven. Whereas in S3 they are freshly baked and piping hot. And also still being baked. And speaking of food metaphors…

The idea of hunger and satiation continually shows up in the Manager's stories. Burger Baby is, uh, fairly obvious and speaks for itself, I think. Mrs Bones is interesting because again we see her thirst as this primal need inside the Manager, a desperate instinctual urge that drives her forward. This also happens in 5.1 Merp and Burble, where she. Well. She merps and she burbles.

In these altered states of consciousness, she has an animal-like nature. She is concerned only with satiating herself. But even when she gets what she's looking for, it's never enough. She can never truly be content.

This shows up in 3.2, when the laborers' deaths satiate the Manager. They even build her/the lobby as they perish one by one. But of course, of course, the fullness doesn't last. This is one of my absolute favorite aspects of the Manager's character. It makes her so distinct from the other two.

The Manager's response to the inevitability presented to her is to allow it in. She neither fights it, kicking and screaming, as the Owner would, nor does she run from it, as the Lobby Boy will. She accepts her circumstances and adapts to them. She takes to everything the easiest of the three.

So, she dies. So...she dies. So what? She's dead now, and will remain so for the rest of the season. What's done is done, until the Hotel wills it otherwise. They serve at the pleasure of the Hotel Herself, after all.

(Do you remember how to die? I'll remind you.)

The most distinct difference between the Lobby Boy and the Manager is that the latter seems to relish in her job. Not in the way the Owner does, as a title to preen and puff up over. She gets nothing out of lording her position over the other two. She does what she does because it's in her nature to do so, and it's a form of sustenance. Her job is her life is her nature. Literally hashtag ultimate girlboss, y'know?

The Lobby Boy, on the other hand, does NOT relish his duty. He is deeply intimate with death and dying and the horrors that lurk inside the Hotel in a way that the other two simply are not. He constructs nearly every awful thing in the Hotel and personally delivers the guests to those things.

As the gibbering creature continues to beat (and then starts to consume) the very dead Manager in 3.4, the Lobby Boy notes the "pulsing and bruised" walls of the Hotel. Something is deeply wrong here and he can feel it. The way he's seeing everything is not how he normally would. He says:

"It's not supposed to look like that, I think. Not to me. Maybe to the guests, but to me it only looks like...I knew underneath and behind and through everything was something awful and vast watching, but I could still look at the facade and know my place here."

The Lobby Boy has, off the top of my head, seen the Hotel in this way two other times. Well, one of this times was in a bonus episode and so doesn't really count, but it's one of my favorite bonus episodes so I'm going to talk about it a bit anyway. Feel free to skip that part.

First, in 4.12 X - X, during the big fight between the Owner and the Lobby Boy, the two go sailing and flying through the Hotel. They crash through lobbies and halls and rooms. The Lobby Boy SEES everything in the Hotel. He sees everything he has built and everything he hasn't yet. He sees the guests dying. He sees himself, burning. And he hates it. He decides to look away, to try to not remember.

In fact, the Lobby Boy's active avoidance of witnessing his own work is THE big reason the Owner hates the Lobby Boy and picks that fight with him in the first place.

In the bonus episode The Hotel, the Lobby Boy has a dream in which he is entirely alone. He examines the lobby before using his cool powers to rise up through the Hotel in such a way that he can see it all. He keeps going, pushing aside and shaping and conducting the Hotel's form until it reaches a crescendo of swirling color and shape and fervor...Then, of course, he remembers that he's not alone, not really. He's never alone in the Hotel.

Like I said, that lies in murky non-canon-ish waters so feel free to ignore it. I personally consider it an interesting supplemental to the other two examples. The point is, the Lobby Boy isn't an idiot. He's very well aware of what the Hotel is. What he is and what he does.

3.4 ends with this:

"In the Hotel there is only death. Only ever death. But still I run to the second floor, where the deaths don't matter so much. The floor with the guest rooms."

He sees the darkness consuming the lobby, the Manager, everything in the Hotel lobby. He knows what's happening. Still, he decides to run. He chooses to look away. To not think about it, if he can.

He runs to what he knows best: the guest rooms. The familiar forms the Hotel is supposed to take. The facade he can try to lose himself in, knowing all the while that it's a lie and he will face the horrible truth that envelopes and underpins it.

(Here comes another one, don't miss it or we'll have to start over.)

Now, it's time for 3.5 The Lobby Boy Dies.

“I step off the elevator and hold the door for the guest, but the elevator is empty.���

The Lobby Boy is alone as he walks down the endless hallways. The lights wink at him as he passes by. We'll see the Hotel Herself flicker her lights at the Lobby Boy other times, like in 4.10 Audrey Burns. It's one of her cheeky and fun ways of communicating with him! The Hotel is absolutely playing with him like a toy in this arc. I mean, that's true of every arc but this one especially feels so delightfully cheeky.

He refuses to look back behind him. He's seen the guests look back and it's never saved any of them. Then he spots a different kind of light – a candle by an empty guest room.

“I...the candle wants me to stare into the flame. It wants me to go inside the room. The door matches the key ring in my hand... Why-”

But the Lobby Boy knows what's happening here. He drops his keys and continues walking. He avoids looking at anything but straight ahead of him, down the hall. With each room, door, candle he avoids, another one shows up until every room is an empty guest room with a candle. For him.

He wants to refuse. He doesn't want to go in. Tells himself he won't, he CAN'T. But the Hotel pulsates in the background and he starts to imagine what it would be like if the walls caught fire...the fire spreading...Chasing him...He runs!

But why? Why avoid the flames and the burning and the smoke when he knows he can't, won't escape them? When he knows he'll end up dying anyway?

There's a few ways to look at this. One is that it's part of his nature – he doesn't want to face death, not necessarily in a human way but because it - like basically everything else - makes him squeamish and uncomfortable. If he runs, he doesn't have to face it. If he runs, he can pretend:

"The doors seem to turn towards me as I pass now. Stretching, almost reaching out. Presenting to me, showing me the sweetest lie: Safety. Safety from what is behind me. Safety from the end ahead."

“The flames behind, the fire ahead, I will pretend not to know what is beyond the door and know relief for a sickening, hopeful, instant.”

[Bolding mine]

The Lobby Boy is aligning himself with the guests here. He is a guest in this episode: he has a room he will go and die inside of. He knows the guests aren't saved by their pretending, but he does it anyway because the tiny glimmer of light inside the Lobby Boy is hope. Is wanting. In this case, it's wanting the comforting lie that he'll be okay, somehow.

Another part is that this is technically new to him, new and frightening. His nature is fearfulness, so of course he runs. He's still a fresh-out-of-the-oven Lobby Boy at this point! All of this that's happening doesn't gel with whatever knowledge was baked into him from the Hotel. He hasn't had a chance to acclimate yet!

He enters his room and sees, just before the door closes, himself stepping off the elevator in the hall. He stands in the dark for a long time until the candle appears again.

“I stare into the flame and I can hear the Hotel around me.”

He's transfixed until the candle falls over and the whole room goes up in flames, burning him to death. He doesn't accept it, he screams and tries to run and tries to open the door he knows will not open again. He dies just like one of the guests.

(You were there too.)

Since the previous Lobby Boy is dead, the Lobby Boy who we just saw step out of the elevator is our narrator for 3.6 The Lobby Boy Tries Not To Die.

“I step off the elevator and hold the door for the guest, but...there is no guest. I'm alone.”

Last episode, we saw the part of the Lobby Boy that identifies with the guests, the part of him that's just as trapped as they are. But there's plenty more layers and sides to the LB we've yet to peel.

The Lobby Boy lies to himself and attempts to convince himself that the guest he saw at the end of the hall definitely did not have his face. It for sure wasn't him. Totally. He slips back into his role, what he knows he should be doing. But everything's wrong, still. He continues down the hall and passes rooms full of smoke and burning and screaming.

Occasionally, his voice reverberates. Notably, it happens when the ceiling is full of soot. He says:

“I don't want to fall up into that void. I don't know if I'll hit the ceiling, or just fall forever. (forever, forever.)”

[Formatting taken directly from transcript]

In my last post, I talked about how the darkness – the Hotel – is inextricable from the Manager/the staff. The idea returns here with...Well, with the smoke and soot, obviously, but ALSO with these vocal effects. It's one of the Lobby Boy's things, sometimes if he's particularly worked up he'll get effects like this in his narration.

As it's applied here, it feels like something directly tying him to the Hotel. A part of him that is like it. These reverberations come back at the end of the season both with the Hotel Herself's narration and the staff's response to her. They are not separate entities, but a strange splintering and amalgamation of each other.

The Hotel's pulsing starts up in the background. The Lobby Boy continues walking but his steps become wet and squishy as the floors become coated in, um. Melted Lobby Boy soup leaking out from the room doors. It pools and congeals into a gory sticky mess that clings to him, hinders his running. The desk bell dings and something is chasing the Lobby Boy and screaming at him and his immediate instinct is to run away.

The slurry of himself enmeshed in the floor shows that the part of the Hotel that is the Lobby Boy is this second floor. The same way the Manager is the lobby and we saw her being built, the Lobby Boy is every endless hall, room, door, ceiling, floors. He is both the facade and the horrible truth at the end of it.

What he runs from is himself, literally, in this episode, but also from...himself. You know what I mean?

“I run faster. I want the soot black ceiling to take me. I want to sink into the cold bleeding carpet. I want grey walls and nothing else.”

(mood man I hate being yelled at too.)

They're both screaming now, his pursuer and himself. Just...screaming. I LOVE the distorted layered yells here. Something visceral and miserable about the sounds perfectly encapsulate the Lobby Boy, I feel.

He runs and every door turns into an elevator. He ends up, of course, back at that door. That room, with the smoke and the fire and the other burning Lobby Boy already inside of it. He looks back and sees himself clearly this time. He's terrified. He'd rather burn to death than be caught by himself. He closes the door “a little faster” before the other him can get inside.

And so the Lobby Boy Fails To Not Die.

(Did you see him? Was it too fast for you?)

We are roughly two Lobby Boys down as we head into 3.7 The Rooms Are Filled.

“I step off the elevator and hold the door for the guest. The guest steps out and into the hallway.”

So now there's two of them in the elevator. One must be the guest, if one of them is the Lobby Boy. But then...? They walk together and the other lets our viewpoint LB into the room.

Once again, this opening sequence involves the Lobby Boy following his standard routine. Bring the guest to the room. Ask if they need anything. Our narrator gives a quick rundown of the room but then the fire starts consuming everything again. Instead of running away from each other, the two Boys struggle pathetically over each other to get out. One of them escapes, the other remains trapped in the room.

He heads back to the elevator and goes to another floor.

“There are so many buttons twinkling dully at me. I like to stare at them on the way.”

Bringing up this quote just to say I'm putting a pin in it for later in this post. Bear with me, there WILL be a payoff to this. I just wanted to make special note of this line in particular.

The elevator doors open and the cycle continues, repeats. One Lobby Boy brings the other Lobby Boy to his room and he dies there as the Lobby Boy goes back to the elevator to do it again. Again. Again. Every time the Lobby Boy dies, a light in the elevator goes out. Slowly, they burn to darkness every hall in the Hotel.

He's not running the same way he was during the last few episodes. He's settling in. Getting acclimated. The way he gets through this is by not thinking about it. If he doesn't think, he can hold out the sliver of hope within him that he won't be the one to die. But he'll still die.

He sounds so utterly exhausted as he relives both the walk from the elevator to the room and the burning to death inside the room. So strained, bordering on anger almost.

“Why do I look so afraid, if I'm not the one who has to burn? But I am the one who has to burn. And the one who has to close the door. I'm the only one here.”

Okay to be honest you could just ignore every single thing I've written here and just look at these lines because this is the crux of it all.

The sound gets...weirder from here. The elevator door dings wrongly. The Lobby Boy doesn't hold the door open for the guest. We hear the Owner's scream for the first time in a while, though this comes immediately after the line saying, “The rooms are filled with my screams.”

Hmmmm...

But I can't talk about that yet. I need to talk about this:

“The halls are filled with smoke and mess. I don't know why The Manager only had to die once and I have to die so much. So much. Too much.”

[Bolding mine]

Does this line sound familiar? He sounds envious here, almost...resentful, in a way that reminds me very specifically of 2.2 Cracker Man:

“Why do they get to be in the house? Why do they get to be young and happy and beautiful? Why does it hurt to watch them live? I don’t know why but it does. Every smile stings.”

The Manager's S2 episodes showed us her primal instinct as one of her core traits. The Lobby Boy's S2 episodes show us his envy and rage. He's portrayed as a stalking figure in both Cracker Man and Frozen Figures, something that watches from the outside before going in for the kill. Yeah, technically the Owner and Manager do this too, but it feels personal for the Lobby Boy.

Why do THEY (the guests) get to live? Why do THEY get to pretend, to have the luxury of not knowing what's going to happen to them? Why did the Manager only have to die ONCE instead of being stuck in this endless cycle? (She didn't, she died at least like 4 times, but I suppose he doesn't know that). Why is he stuck here and they're not? WHY CAN'T HE D--

“There are so many buttons twinkling dully at me. I like to stare at them on the way.”

That envy and his feelings towards the guests are also why I think the Lobby Boy likes staring at twinkling lights. I mean, there doesn't have to be anything deeper to it. I do think it is just...a thing he likes and that's that. But if there WERE deeper meaning to it, I would say part of him wants what the guests have. He wouldn't know what, exactly, he wants. But he knows they're different. They have something else. Maybe something nicer. Maybe. He admires the shimmering light until it turns into a desperate flame that eventually burns to soot and ash.

His envy collapses and gives way to the rage tucked deep inside him in Cracker Man. Here in 3.7, he taps into that and chases down the other Lobby Boy. Once again, he becomes the pursuing monster. He is the rooms he built. He is the guests he brought to them. He is the horror that will kill them inside the rooms. The screaming effects layer beautifully again.

“Every room is getting filled. Endlessly. We put ourselves here because we did. Never a thought to why or where. He runs so I'm running. He burns so I'm burning. If I could catch him, if I could touch him, could we burn together?”

I have nothing to add to this, I just want to sit and appreciate these lines for a minute.

The chase continues. This Lobby Boy can see into the elevators lining the hallways. Behind the both of them, “the void spills out” and chases them. No matter what direction they go, he'll always end up back in that darkness. Whether he's inside the burning room or out in the hall. He still, still, holds onto that tiny sliver of false hope that maybe, just maybe, he can catch him this time.

But the Lobby Boy sees him and closes the door a little faster. And the Lobby Boy is brought to a void by a trillion lights.

(The guests were never meant to come this far.)

There's...a lot more I'd love to say. I could go on and on in endless circles about this arc. It would be fitting, but this is already so long and I still have the Owner and the Hotel Herself to talk about!

So for now, let's see what happens to the Lobby Boy in the cleverly titled 3.8 A V O I D.

The Lobby Boy doesn't actually...do much here, since this episode is meant to start us on the Owner's arc. LB sits in the void, afraid. As familiar gibbering/Powers That Be noises follow after him, he panics.

“The worst it can do is kill me. Again. And Again. Forever. WHY CAN'T I DIE?”

[Formatting taken direct from transcript]

One last time, there's the crux of the Lobby Boy's despair. Why is he trapped like this when he's so, SO afraid? Why? Why why? The hopeless wailing and thrashing shared by the guests in their last moments.

We proceed listen to the Lobby Boy having the worst time he's probably ever had when he whimpers and begs “No no no no please no.”

His question is answered by as he's brutally killed by the gibbering creature the Hotel.

(He seems to be dead now though.)

And then the Owner chimes in with the fucking funniest possible line, “Thank you. Dispatching that creature has been long overdue.”

Thanks king. So glad to see you on your hater streak <3

Anyway, that wraps things up for the Lobby Boy's arc. I've never seen a more literal version of the “Man Vs. Self” style of conflict as this, as he grapples and struggles and fights with himself across time.

We get to see the fearful core of his being on full display along with the reasons why he'd be so afraid compared to the other two. Neither the Manager or the Owner are as down in the dirt with the guests, so to speak, as the Lobby Boy is. He embodies the most important aspect of it, the rooms and the killing.

It seems the only way he can get himself to function in that endless cycle is by avoidance, turning himself away from it all. The Owner just doesn't get it. Even though they have so much in common...

Well, that'll be for next time to delve into. See you then friends. Thanks again for reading! :-)

[sapphire-strikes]

♡Some Pokémon Headcanons Part. 3!♡

Just more villian analysis and discussion! These might come off as a little grim compared to my other ones, just because I see Cyrus and Lysandre as being villains entirely. They have very few redeeming qualities or justifications for their actions.

Part. 1 Part. 2 Part. 3 Part. 4 Part. 5 Part. 6

Cyrus: Growing up, Cyrus was an exceptional student, showing a greater understanding of physics and the scientific workings of the world. He had the potential for an exceptional future if not for the fact that in all things, even those he excelled at, he was entirely unmotivated, finding little to no interest in the academic or anything else. When he worked or studied there was never ambition behind it, not even a flicker of contemplation as he jolted down calculations like a computer outputting information, no need to process if the answer was correct. This indifferent attitude is what lead to him to often being eschewed by his peers, even those that were on the same level intellectually finding him offputting.

• His parents were far from maternal, sharing his unsentimental attitude, though to a much lesser degree. They desired only the best from their son in hopes his accomplishments would improve their social standing, but when it came time for him to move forward after high school, he rejected all options offered to him. Scholarships were turned down and positions in high scientific fields were ignored simply because he didn't care to work towards anything. His parents, of course, didn't approve and rejected him, but instead of attempting to explain himself or repair their relationship, he simply set out on his own without a second thought

• Living on his own and absorbing himself in even more heartless studies, he decided that human emotions were the only constant hindrance in his life he couldn't escape and set out to make a world entirely for himself. There could be more theorized; that perhaps he longed for the kind of connections other shared or was jealous of the emotions they seemed to process so much more easily than him, but when it came down to it, he was simply incapable of putting in the effort to understand others and refused to try.

• Even those that seemed to share his vision, he had no plans of keeping around, wanting only a world for himself, free of conviction and emotion, free from the burden of having to care.

• When you show up to thwart his plans he is struck with a level of emotions he's not used to, annoyance. Annoyance that eventually grows to anger, only making him more set on his goal to rid the world of the human spirit, even in himself.

• I don't think he's as above emotion as he claims though. When the two of you end up in the distortion world, you half expected him to be content staying there. It was everything he desired, after all, free of other people, emotion, and spirit (except for Giratina, I suppose), but instead, he chooses to fight you with all his power, intent on making it back to remold your world instead of remaining alone in this one. He wasn't simply searching for a peaceful world for himself as he'd said, being free of the human spirit was no longer enough, he longed to destroy it because he despised it.

• In the end, your spirit is stronger than his and you beat him, but when the portal reopens, he retreats deeper into the distortion world despite your protests, with the promise that he would one day see his vision to fruition, no matter what it takes.

• Cyrus hasn't been seen since, Cynthia even reentered the portal in search of him with no luck. It's entirely possible he found a way out by now, perhaps harnessing the power of Giratina to make himself an exit and has been lying low, or... he's still wondering the distortion world to this day. Either way, there hasn't been a portal opened from our side since, leaving Cyrus as a reminder of what a threat someone with such strong conviction and selfish intentions is capable of.

Lysandre: I believe that Lysandre once held nothing but good intentions for the world. Growing his power and influence with the intent to nourish a better future for people and pokemon. Even when his research and work didn't yield the results he desired, he became an avid philanthropist, donating to the research of those he felt had a better chance in hopes that they could succeed where he had failed in perfecting the world

• But even with that effort and those good intentions, his descent into misanthropy bloomed forth from his own perception of "beauty". At its core, his version of a perfect world was entirely shallow and unachievable. He inevitably gave up on mankind because his idea of what it meant to be human was a priori; conjecturaly based on what he thought was right, without taking into consideration people's free will as individuals.

• He does make some points. There will always be evil people in the world, genuinely evil people that don't deserve the space they take up, and it's impossible to put a stop to them entirely, as hard as we might try. The only way to put a stop to this kind of evil for good would indeed require measures as extreme as his own. However, while I do think Lysandre does hold resentment for such people, I also think he only sticks to this excuse as a way to justify his actions, not only to others but to himself as well.

• Just look at the people he deemed worthy to join him in the new world as team Flare Grunts and Admins. They're not monsters sure, but they're far from the image of justice and beauty Lysandre gushes about. They're not good people in the slightest, but they just so happen to meet Lysandre's idea of perfect; obedient to him. Regardless of what he might say or even think, his motives are entirely selfish.

• When the player appears, like most, he doesn't think much of them, only briefly considering how useful their strength could be if they agreed to join him in his mission for a perfect world. Eventually, that interest grows into an underlying resentment the longer he watches you, even if he does keep it hidden well. You represent everything he couldn't be. You haven't given up on the world despite the hardships you've gone and are currently going through. That's why he continues to talk to you and even implores you to try to stop him. He desired to see your hope broken as his was when you realize you are powerless to change anything. Not only because he really is just a bitter person, but because he still wanted to justify to himself that his actions were the only path left for humanity.

• It's when you finally beat him and befriend the legendary does he finally snap, losing his composure. No longer caring about his perfect world, only getting rid of you, the living proof that he himself lacked so much when it came to perfection.

• He's later found in the rubble of the base when the area is searched, unconscious but alive and is arrested. Now he spends his days in one of Kalos' highest security prisons, charged as a terrorist along with what underlings of his they could find.

• Former colleagues of his who've had the chance to see him since his arrest describe him as a ghost of his former self. Even when put on trial he didn't bother defending himself, only speaking when asked questions and eventually admitting guilt. He's not impotent by any means, but his spirit was broken by his loss when he had to accept that he and his glorious vision for the future were as egregious as the filth he spent his entire life pushing back against.

• Surprisingly, he holds no resentment or ill will towards you, but he certainly has nothing to say to you. I don't see him making an effort to become a better person either if he ever were to get out of prison, content to spend the rest of his life alone in a cell with his thoughts.

Thank you for reading! Gonna cover B/W baddies next~

[curioussubjects]

I feel bad discussing spn now that’s over but I’ve been wondering. Do you think dean actually meant it when he said “why does that something always seem to be you” (15.03)? Usually people blurt out what’s on their mind all of a sudden even if they didn’t mean to say it out loud. But it comes out because the person either thinks about it or actually believes it. Do you think at one point Dean truly blamed Cas for Mary? I mean, putting 15.09 aside of course.

Why do you feel bad discussing SPN now the show’s over, anon?? Don’t feel bad!

The short answer to your question, in my view, is that Dean was lashing out because of how his unaddressed trauma over Cas dying (cf. 7x01, purgatory, 12x23) gets entangled with him processing his grief over Mary and Jack. Everything is further exacerbated by Chuck’s villain reveal, and the events that lead to Rowena’s “death.”  The longer answer to this question starts with acknowledging that feelings and trauma are complicated things that aren't always rational. And that's the crux of the matter for Dean in that moment he lashes out at Cas: he's not behaving rationally. We know Dean is angry, and historically doesn't handle anger well at all, but we also know, even without 15x09, that what Dean is really feeling is fear. In that moment, Dean is angry, and he's scared. If you watch the scene closely, too, you'll notice that Dean is still present enough to regret saying "why does that something always seem to be you" to Cas. He tenses up, he looks down and only looks up again in stubbornness defiance when Cas says he can't even look at him. Then Cas leaves, which has always been an issue for Dean. However warranted Cas's decision to leave was, it still hits Dean as rejection, too. All this is to say that the break up scene is extremely fraught, and Dean is the type of person who needs time to process events and emotions, and time to process is something he hasn't had since Mary disappeared.

So you ask: ok, cool, but what does all of that have to do with Cas dying, Liv? And here's where I say they have everything to do with Cas dying. I've talked about this before in tags and in other posts that I can't think of right now, but there are common occurrences in the events that have led to the more traumatic Cas deaths. If we think of Cas dying in 07x01, the context for that is as follows: Cas needs to solve a problem, he wants to ask Dean for help, but the desire to not burden him with it is greater, so Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to disaster and also him dying. Or, well, apparently dying. But as far as Dean was concerned, Cas was dead, and he did struggle with it a lot during season 7. Now, fast-forward to s12 and the context of how Cas ends up dead then: Cas needs to solve a problem, part of him does want to cooperate with Sam and Dean to solve it, but he ultimately decides his desire to bring Dean a win, and to shield him and Sam from actions they'd suffer from are greater. Predictably, Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to complications, and him being killed by Lucifer. Cas's death in 12x23 is significantly more traumatic to Dean than the one in 07x01 as season 13 starts with a grief arc that is devoted to Dean's suffering over Cas -- to the point that suffering overshadows even his grief over Mary. Granted, these are somewhat reductive summaries of the events of seasons 7 and 12, but the fact remains that those two deaths were remarkably similar as well as traumatic. 

If you look at trauma theory in regards to literary analysis, you'll notice that a key element is repetition. The story of trauma is a story of echoes, which is partly why triggers are what they are for people who have PTSD. In particular, a situation doesn't need to be an exact replica in order to evoke a traumatic memory. A situation need only be similar enough to the traumatic event to cause a trauma response. Therefore, if we keep in mind that the events leading to 15x03 aren’t exact mirrors of 07x01 or 12x23, but too reminiscent for comfort, then Dean’s behavior toward Cas starts making a bit more sense -- not excused, but understandable. A quick summary of these similarities goes as follows: Cas notices there’s is something off with Jack because of his soul; he decides to investigate on his own to avoid worrying the Winchesters and also because of his own fear of losing his family. He only comes forward with what is happening after something potentially disastrous has happened (Mary’s death). Later, Cas deviates from the agreed plan to close the wound leading to hell, which leads to another disastrous consequence (Rowena’s death). What does this look like? Cas makes a decision to act on his own, and doesn’t tell Dean (or Sam) about it, something goes wrong, someone dies. Notably, here, moreover, is that Cas obviously doesn’t die, but he has paralleled Mary before (when he was dead in s13) and there’s an argument to be made that he would eventually parallel Rowena (with heaven), but that’s from a metanarrative perspective rather than Dean’s, and I digress.

Oh, It’s worth noting, too, that the way in which the arc starting with 14x18 and culminating in 15x03 presents a similar, but not quite, chain of events as those of previous seasons signals the intentionality of the trauma narrative. 

But anyway, as we were: the resonance between the traumatic and triggering events, with the latter being traumatic in their own way, make Dean response in a way that is unfair for the situation at hand, but betray a deeper truth about Dean’s state of mind. Backtracking a little from 15x03, the first instance of Dean lashing out at Cas happens in 14x18 with the (heartbreaking) line: “Then you're dead to me.” At face value, those words are a condemnation of Cas and indicate a complete breakdown of the relationship, hinging on Jack having hurt/killed Mary. There is, however, another angle there, pain simmering beneath the surface, which makes more sense in its direction to Cas: the last time Jack, Mary, and Cas were involved in a tableaux like this, Cas died and Mary was gone. In what is an inversion of events, Mary is dead and Cas is...there, but as an echo of Jack’s birth, to say Cas is dead is a statement of fact: he did die, then. And as he was a parallel to Mary in the aftermath of Jack’s birth (and the rehashing of the John, Dean, Sam drama through Dean, Sam, and Jack), so is he a parallel to Mary here, except in circumstance. Both Mary and Cas had been after Jack. Mary happened to find him first, but Cas could’ve easily been the one to find him. Easily been the one who died. See the issue? This is obviously not to say that Dean’s grief and rage weren’t about Mary herself, but that the situations are entangled and murky. 

Further entanglement and murkiness happen when Cas is forced to change the plan to seal the hell wound in 15x03. We all know, including Dean, that there was nothing Cas could’ve done instead of what he did. But besides the change of plans, there’s an undercurrent of anxiety of the wound closing before Cas makes it out. He does, of course, but that’s the what if, always. And to illustrate the possibility, Rowena sacrifices herself to close the wound. It’s not coincidence that the similarities here are tenuous considering the stress burden from everything that has happened since 14x18 has continued to grow with no respite.

The stage is set then for the confrontation that leads to Cas walking out of the bunker. Dean is clearly on edge, and Cas is in a particularly vulnerable and hopeless headspace:

CASTIEL: Sorry about Rowena. DEAN: You're sorry? Why didn't you just stick to the damn plan? CASTIEL: Belphegor was lying. DEAN: Belphegor's a demon. CASTIEL: He was using us. He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, Earth, and every... DEAN: Yeah, and we would've figured it out... after. With Rowena. CASTIEL: The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong. DEAN: Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?

The reason I went of this long journey to come back to this is so as to make clear that what Dean is talking about here isn’t about Rowena at all, and it’s not about Mary either. We know Dean didn’t really blame Cas for Mary, and that he didn’t blame him for Rowena, either. But do those bolded parts sound familiar?

CASTIEL: Listen. Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice.

DEAN: No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one.

CASTIEL: You don't understand. It's complicated.

DEAN: No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!

CASTIEL: It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?

DEAN: I was there. Where were you?

DEAN: You should've come to us for help, Cas.

How about:

DEAN: Cas, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay. CASTIEL: Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.

[...]

DEAN : We will find a better way. CASTIEL: You mean, we? DEAN : Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, and Sam, we're just better together. So now that you're back, let's go, Team Free Will. Let's get it done. CASTIEL: I'd like that. DEAN: Great.

“Then, you’re dead to me.” “...why does that something always seem to be you”

Because it’s Cas, and Cas being dead and gone. The tragedy of the divorce arc is that Cas ends up gone, too. However, this time, it’s Dean’s fault for not stopping him. Here, Dean’s fear of Cas dying leads to the anger that ultimately pushes him away. So, yeah, Dean meant what he said, but not in the way Cas took it. Not in the way it appeared as. 

The other tragedy of Supernatural ending as it did is that Dean never got to heal from that trauma, he never got to confront Cas for it, either. Make no mistake, the empty deal is another spiral of Dean’s unaddressed trauma over Cas dying. The beats are the same, and the result is Cas, gone, and Dean, shattered. Sadly, we never got our final resolution, the climatic reunion that would mirror Dean’s prayer in purgatory and Cas’s confession in the dungeon. It’s a story left unfinished. 

[ishouldreallybeelsewhere]

I Don’t Dance; An Analysis

By someone with no idea what they’re doing

Can I just say,,, this song slaps. Like, ignore everything,, all the connections, all the subtext, all the whatever, this song (I Don’t Dance from High School Musical 2) is just rlly good. I’ve been listening to it a lot (shocker) and I have to say, perhaps pop isn’t so bad. I’m lying, of course, rock forever, but also not the point. Now, onto what I was actually planning on talking about.

Songs can say a lot, especially when paired with dances, and to see the full meaning of a song, one must look past it’s surface level meaning and dive deep into the subtext. Contextually, the song makes sense as just talking about baseball, but on a surface level only. Look into it for even a moment and you’re sure to find all the queer subtext you need to confirm the theory that High School Musical as a whole is a metaphor for accepting your queer identity.

A quick overview of the song; it starts as a friendly game of baseball between Ryan and Chad, the dancer and the jock. That’s fairly straight-forward, and as they play, Ryan encourages Chad to dance, insisting that he can and should, while dancing in ways that enhance his own playing. I should mention right now, I know fuck-all about baseball. I learnt to spell it, like, 15 minutes ago. It should not be spelt like that. Regardless, I’m gonna do my best to some-what grasp/avoid the thing entirely. Anyway, I’m getting off track. Back to what I was saying, the song is Ryan encouraging Chad to dance, in a somewhat flirtatious matter. The song ends after a dance routine involving the entirety of both teams, and then, in the following scene, Chad and Ryan are shown having a good time, talking and laughing while eating lunch, WEARING EACH OTHER’S CLOTHES!! If someone can give me a heterosexual explanation for that,,,, don’t.

Now, for what I’ve been meaning to get to; what does the song actually mean? (I use the phrase ‘Now,’ at the start of a lot of sentences, sorry in advance.)

Obviously, it’s about accepting your queer identity and living your life to its fullest, not allowing the heteronoramilty of the world hold you back. Anyone who’s ever watched the movie can tell you that, however, as is the way with any piece of explanatory writing, I have to assume that you’ve never even seen any of the movies (heathen).

The plot doesn’t matter. I don’t care about all but four characters, Zeke, Sharpay, Chad, and Ryan. This will primarily be about the latter two, and their own acceptance of who they are.

From the start, Ryan is flamboyant and feminine, the archetype of a gay man, as ‘subtlety’ isn’t really a thing in High School Musical. Less so in the sequel, aside from the sub-text of course, but they had to get that past Disney’s censors. Also, Ryan is one of the ‘villains’ of the trilogy, meaning that he can be queer-coded as much as the writers desire. Off track once again. I apologise. No I don’t. Anyway, Ryan is a theatre kid. The theatre kid, excluding his sister, of course, but as I said previously, Sharpay is not the topic of today’s discussion. Why is theatre so important you ask? Well, not only is the whole point of the trilogy theatre and musicals, but it’s often associated with queer identity, gay men, and femininity. While that is not true, necessarily, it works well as a metaphor and for subtext in the series. Ryan’s theatre/dance-centered personality is made as such because he is one of the few openly gay students in the movie. Theatre and dance, in this context, are queer. And Ryan is incredibly open with his sexuality, especially after he steps out from his sister’s shadow and comes into himself, realising who he is in his entirety.

Chad is on the opposite side of the spectrum. He’s, to put it bluntly, a Chad. Sporty, masculine, ‘straight’, everything he’s expected to be, but, secretly, he knows that that’s not quite true. He’s likely bisexual, as we never recive a label I will refer to him as such, and he knows this about himself. He accepts it, but refuses to act on it, or really acknowledge it, so it is not true acceptance. He is still hiding and suppressing part of himself, dancing only when everyone around him is doing the same, conforming to the heterosexual society that we all must reside in. So much of who he appears to be centered around sport and straightness, but after he is left by his closest friend (Asshole Troy. My cousin stunt-doubled Zac Effron once lol) he’s unsure where to go, and accepts an offer to play a friendly game of baseball against Ryan.

Ryan knows that Chad is bi. He knows that Chad is suppressing and hiding a part of himself, and, on some level, understands what that’s like, and knows how harmful that can be, and takes it upon himself to change that, and the game begins. Literally. And of all games, it’s baseball, one of the only sports I know filled to the brim with euphemisms and gay slang, and let me tell you, I know very little about both things, but I did actaully do research before this.

Chad knows what Ryan is trying to do, and rejects it, insisting that he has to ���just do his thing.’ He steps up, the batter, insisting that he can be straight, that he doesn’t need that other part of himself to feel whole. Ryan sees clearly that this is bullshit.

‘I’ll show you that it’s one in the same, baseball, dancing, same game.’ In this line, Ryan is explaining that Chad doesn’t need to give up his masculinity or his love for sport to live in his true identity, that dancing and baseball are the same thing, different flavours. He can stay who he is while still being true to himself and stop suppressing a part of himself. He’s also flirting, a lot. Saying that he can show Chad what he’s missing.

‘I wanna play ball now, and that’s all. This is what I do. It ain't no dance that you can show me,’ replies Chad, saying how he doesn’t agree, and has no wish to change who he is, regardless of the consequences. He doesn’t think that the two parts of his identity can live in harmony, and he’s gotten this far in life while suppressing his queer side, he can do it forever. Of course, as you likely already know, dear reader, this is far from true, and Ryan has made it his mission to prove that, through song and suspiciously flirtatious dance.

‘You’ll never know, if you never try.’ Ryan now is telling Chad that he’ll never know if he can be happier as an open bisexual if he doesn’t try to expirience life in a different way, and is also telling Chad he’s dtf.

‘There’s just one little thing that stops me every time.’ Chad is on the verge of agreeing, accepting Ryan’s advances, when it cuts to his team, watching him play. He can’t come out, can’t fully accept himself, even if he wants to, without risking rejection from his team, from his friends, and having to possibly leave behind the world of sports that he so loves. The masculinity is fragile in this one, I must say. But his team not backing him up, leaving him behind, that scares Chad more than anything at that point in his life. Even if it is living his truth, he won’t risk the life already built up around him. In his eyes, nothing would truly be worth it. But Ryan won’t give up on him.

Then the pair go back and forth, arguing over whether Chad has it in him to accept it, risk everything to be who he truly is. ‘If I can do this then you can do that.’ Ryan is telling Chad that if he can play baseball while still retaining his queer identity, then Chad can do the same while dancing. Doing one thing does not invalidate or cancel out the other. He can, and should, do both, to become a more complete version of himself. However, Chad’s team is still supporting him only in baseball, at this point in the song anyway.

‘Hey, batter, batter. Hey batter, batter, swing.’ At this point, no one is actually swinging at the ball, showing that this is not what they’re talking about. ‘Swing that way,’ is often used to refer to whom one is attracted to, and Ryan is telling Chad to ‘swing,’ to come to terms with his attraction to men, and to Ryan himself. While they are singing this, Chad is literally approaching first base, not too dissimilar from the bases in a relationship. Like, any other sport, any one at all, and they had to pick this one. Even urban dictionary agrees it’s gay as all hell.

‘Bases loaded, do your dance. It’s easy.’ Here, Ryan is telling Chad that baseball is almost a dance on its own, it requires movement and coordination like dance, and at this point Chad can’t disagree, because the bases are loaded (I do actually know what that means) and he has to hit the ball and free them up, else something happens (reaching the end of my baseball knowledge sorry).

‘I've got what it takes, playin my game. So you better spin that pitch. You're gonna throw me, yeah.’ Here Chad is admitting that Ryan is distracting him, his dance and words throwing him off his game. ‘I’ll show you how I swing.’ Chad is play-flirting now, not-quite-mockingly responding to Ryan while dancing, ever so slightly, while still remaining in the game. He comes closer to accepting it than he has before, but still refusing to truly accept it.

With Ryan’s line, ‘hit it out of the park,’ we return ever so slightly to the literal playing of the game, and Ryan telling Chad to give it his best shot, showing his support despite being on the opposing team. Moments later, members of Chad’s team begin dancing as well, using the movements to enhance their play somewhat, and, subtly, showing their support for dancing and all that comes with it. Chad, however, has still not reached that point.

‘Lean back, tuck it in, take a chance. Swing it out, spin around, do the dance.’ Ryan’s now explaining how connected dancing and baseball really are, how they can easily coexist, of course playing into what Ryan has been trying to convince Chad of the whole time, that he can accept himself and still remain as Chad-like as he wants.

‘I wanna play ball, not dance hall.’ Chad doesn’t care, instead staying steadfast in his position that sport and dance must stay seperate, but his actions betray his words, as, however mockingly it may be, he does in fact dance along to those lines.

‘I can prove it to you til you know it's true. 'Cause I can swing it, I can bring it to the diamond too.’ Ryan is not giving up. He’s trying his best to say that he’s a dancer, sure, but his skills help him on the field. Were he not a dancer, he would likely not be as good at baseball as he is, explaining that if you are repressing a part of yourself, then you are not living up to your full potential, and not living life to its fullest.

‘You’re talking a lot, show me what you got.’ Prove it, Chad is saying as he throws the ball. And Ryan swings, and hits it, sending it far out over the playing field, proving his point, and with that, Ryan relents. Now, as he says he doesn’t dance, he’s dancing with his whole team behind him. They’re showing their support, and the dance becomes almost making fun of his past stance, and now he and Ryan flirt relentlessly through the song, as they dance.

They repeat their banter, all while dancing, and they come extremely close, closer than anyone else in the court, coming closer and closer to first base.

‘You can do it.’ It’s Chad’s team now, dancing behind him, showing their support for him, and insisting that he can dance, he can accept his identity in its whole, and they will still be behind him, still accept him for who he is. Chad and Ryan dance across from each other, back and forth, all of both teams and the crowd, all of them showing support.

Even as it returns to Chad batting, he does so bouncing on his toes to the music, and as he scores a home run, clearing the bases, each of his team members who are on the bases reach home with a flourish, a dance move of their own, even though they themselves are straight. Likely.

However, during the whole song, Ryan and Chad were openly flirting, the song is many things, as Chad knew his sexuality, he just wasn’t comfortable enough to admit it. At first the flirting was jokingly, on Chad’s side anyway, but tensions rise as the song continues, and Ryan makes sure Chad understands that this isn’t a joke, he means it. And that takes a few minutes for Chad to truly accept. The song is about self-acceptance and the chemistry between the two characters, more chemistry than literally any other characters, including Troy and Gabriella.

As the song ends, and Chad scores a home run, winning the game, the two fall over each other at the home base, and it’s over, the scene is anyway, and with the end of the game comes the end of Chad’s suppression. He can finally accept his bisexuality with the knowledge that his team will stay behind him and that he can be happy with a man just as he could with a woman, something that prior to this song, he didn’t truly believe.

And then, in the next scene, Ryan and Chad are wearing each other’s clothes, talking about the game in a far friendlier manner than any previous interaction. Together, they have hotdogs and good conversation, and the swapping of their clothes, including hats, implies that they totally fucked. Not to sound insensitive, obviously, but please, if you can think of any other explanation, please enlighten me.

Now, how does this tie into the rest of High School Musical? I should mention now I’ve not seen the third one and can barely remember the other two. However, I believe I know enough for my point to have some grounds. In this movie trilogy, theatre is queerness, as I have already explained, and conforming to society is heteronormativity. The path of Troy accepting that he loves theatre and basketball at the same time is one of accepting himself in his entirety. While I don’t personally believe that the character himself is queer, it is still a path of acceptance that still resonates with much of the LGBTQ+ community who would watch this movie.

The whole idea of the series is rejecting the status quo and living your life without rejecting any part of yourself. This is taken to another level between Chad and Ryan, someone who has accepted himself completely, and someone who doesn’t want to give up the life he has. There is little else to be said on the matter (LIES! I could talk about this for so long) so it appears time to wrap it up.

I don’t care that much about High School Musical. That may seem surprising, but before this weekend, I couldn’t tell you the character’s names. It is a strange feeling to fall so completely into something that you ignore all schoolwork to write an analysis (strong word) of a clip of a movie. I downloaded the Osu map (after finding it by accident) and played it until I got an S, even tho I’ve had the game only for a couple weeks, barely ever play it, and the easiest version of the map was 2.3 stars. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to it, and I had to finish this piece of writing so I could have some semblance of peace, as all my friends are tired of hearing about it but I need to get my thoughts out. Perhaps now that this is done I can pay attention to the science class that’s been happening around me. I think I’ve said all I can, and I hope that is enough to satisfy my mind. And I am well aware that there is someone out there who has done this with fewer and better words, but I don’t really care.

TLDR; High School Musical 2 is gay, and even more gay than that is Chad and Ryan. Thank you and goodnight.

[goldenxstylinson]

Larry Song Parallels + analysis

(this is a post that’s going to be included in the masterpost. please do note that this is only a small part of the main post, so if you want a more in-depth explanation on these lyrics you’ll be able to check the post here once it’s published)

i tried to put these in a sort of chronological order because the more i listened to them, the more they all seemed part of the same story.

also, i’ve left out iicf and home because i’m solely focusing on parallels in lyrics and those songs are basically a response one to another. (i’ve only included a lyric from iicf that goes with another song)

wrote this at 5am and had to repost it because tumblr decided to remove it from the tags, fun. i’ll proofread it later so if there are any typos i apologize.

ESNY/ DLIBYH

Harry: I’ve been praying ever since New York

Louis: And I know you’ve left a part of you in New York under your bed in a box

MMITH/ KMM

Harry: Just take the pain away

Louis: I can ease the pain

SHE/ HABIT

Harry: And she sleeps in his bed/ While he plays pretend

Louis: I took some time 'cause I've ran out of energy/ Of playing someone I heard I'm supposed to be

TBSL/ DEFENCELESS

Harry: And I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch/ Who can't admit when he's sorry

Louis: And I can't get inside when you're lost in your pride/ But you don't have a thing to prove

TWO GHOSTS/ TOO YOUNG

Harry: We're not who we used to be

Louis: But everything's feeling different now

FTDT/ JUST LIKE YOU

Harry: Woke up the girl who looked just like you

Louis: I wanna lay where she lays

(while some of you might consider this a stretch, I actually think these pair up quite nice and you’ll see why)

FTDT, FALLING/ WALLS

Harry: Woke up alone in this hotel room; played with myself, where were you?/ I'm in my bed and you're not here

Louis: Nothing wakes you up like waking up alone

MMITH/ HABIT

Harry: Just let me know, I’ll be at the door, at the door

Louis: That mentally, you were already out the door

FTDT/ TOO YOUNG

Harry: Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too

Louis: I’m sorry that I hurt you, darling

FINE LINE/ TOO YOUNG

Harry: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes

Louis: It’s hard to think you could ever hate me

TPWK/ HABIT

Harry: Givin' second chances

Louis: I know you said that you'd give me another chance

MMITH/ WE MADE IT

Harry: Maybe we’ll work it out

Louis: We were only kids, just tryna work it out

TWO GHOSTS/ TOO YOUNG

Harry: Fridge light washes this room white

Louis: Face to face at the kitchen table

FALLING/ TOO YOUNG, DEFENCELESS

Harry: And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

Louis: I'm tryna find some better words to say/ Tryna find what to say to you/ Not sure how to say this right

IICF/DEFENCELESS

Harry: Right now I'm completely defenceless

Louis: Never been so defenceless

FALLING/HABIT

Harry: You said you cared/ And you missed me, too

Louis: I was better with you, and I miss you now

FALLING/ HABIT

Harry: And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again

Louis: I’ll always need you in front of me

GOLDEN/ DEFENCELESS

Harry: And I know that you're scared/ Because hearts get broken

Louis: Got so much to lose

SWEET CREATURE/ HABIT

Harry: We started two hearts in one home

Louis: Come so far from Princess Park

GOLDEN/ TOO YOUNG

Harry: Of who I am and all I've ever known

Louis: Me and you is all i’ve ever known

SUNFLOWER VOL. 6 / KMM

Harry: Kiss in the kitchen like it’s a dance floor/Kids in the kitchen listen to dance hall

Louis: You’re a nightmare on the dance floor

FINE LINE/ WE MADE IT

Harry: We’re gonna be alright

Louis: Yeah, it's gonna be alright

Okay, now time for the explanation (from my point of view):

(update: i just realized that Two Ghosts was written during 1D days. My theory still stands as it did before, but it’s possible that smaller fights and arguments between H&L happened a few years prior, as well, although only one led to the breakup)

I believe that everything changed when Harry lost his stepfather, Robin. He begged Louis to “take the pain away” and, of course, Louis helped him through this hard period (after all, H was there for him, too)

Harry let himself be surrounded by sadness once Robin passed away, while Louis had to make sure that Larry is still secret, thus having to “play pretend” and have “her sleep in his bed” (Eleanor). That made Harry even sadder, as not only he lost his stepfather, he also felt his relationship fading away, changing.

Louis became too tired of always having to show up with Eleanor, so he “took some time” away. He was tired and angry, which ultimately led to arguing with Harry. Now I believe that there has been a huge argument between them, when both of them probably said things they didn’t really mean, hurting each other.

The next few songs show how they tried to replace one another, Harry waking up to a “girl who looked just like” Louis and Louis partying the pain away (he said so in Miss You), but they realized that what they had couldn’t be replaced.

Louis took the first step and called Harry or sent him a text or something and, after a long time of thinking, Harry realized that even if he “could hate him sometimes”, Louis still has his devotion. So they met up, sat face to face (at the kitchen table) and it was probably awkward at first, after not seeing each other for about 2 (??) years.

Harry was probably close to losing his hope with that relationship, thinking that they had nothing to say to each other anymore. But they both let their guard down, got out of their pride (Harry did that before as well, back in 2015 when he wrote IICF) and told each other the truth: L told H that he missed him and H told L that he thought he wasn’t needed anymore; Louis’ response was that he’ll “always need Harry in front of him.”

Now comes the reconciliation — while Louis is still scared that he’ll lose everything if Larry accidentally comes out and that he still needs to remain closeted, Harry tells him he has nothing to worry about. He’ll be open someday (Harry hopes).

They agree that their relationship was all they’ve ever known, ever since they were 16 and 18. They’ve started this journey together. They know that they’re soulmates.

Fast forward a few months after their discussion, they dance and kiss in the kitchen and Louis points out, while smiling, of course, that Harry’s still “a nightmare on the dance floor.” as he hears Harry’s laughter filling the room.

And yeah, they’re not perfect. They’re still a bit ripped around the edges and a bit broken, but they’re strong. They’re gonna be alright.

[animegenork]

Digimon Adventure tri. ~ Character Songs + Analysis

I think too much. This is just the danger of being a Creative Writing major and a great lover of anime/fiction in general.

But I feel it is my duty to get purposely in too deep and get into the nitty-gritty of the character songs produced during the Tri era.

Because, when you think about it? There’s A LOT in them.

I ended up writing a lot, so all analyses are under the cut.

Chosen Children Compilation

Taichi/Tai ; Eien no Puzzle

Like all of these songs, Tai’s song is incredibly in-character for him. His song speaks of the adventure he’s found himself on ever since that fateful encounter years ago. His song doesn’t necessarily mention Agumon explicitly, except for one key line:

“I can go anywhere with you.”

Tai has always been constantly moving forward, even when reflecting on the past. Sometimes he doesn’t even think about where he’s going (”You don’t have to know where you’re going”), due to his impulsive nature, but in his eyes, going forward is the key to making it to tomorrow. (I know it’s cheesy. This is Digimon.) I’d like to think that despite his internal struggle throughout Tri, this song represents everything he learns by the end of it all.

I give Tai a lot of tough love about his impulsivity, but this song showcases the positive side to Tai’s almost consistent “let’s go and think about it later.” There’s nothing wrong with going into something without a plan, or without a lick of common sense, so long as the adventure turns out good in the end. (Didja catch that reference to “Butter-fly”?) Although the DigiDestined have gone through a lot, and being impulsive has sometimes turned out bad, the real adventure is spending time with those you care about. In Tai’s case, this means going and “adventuring” with Agumon. He’ll probably get lost along the way, but that’s the fun of it all! After all, the DigiDestined were lost the first time they went to the Digital World, but look at all they accomplished!

Life is a bit of an Eternal Puzzle, but going forward will get you to tomorrow. I don’t know about you all, but I’d follow Tai on his adventures!

Yamato/Matt ; Boku ni Totte

A good number of these songs directly match up with their human/Digimon partner’s, so naturally Matt’s would be the first to do so.

We may not always see it through Matt’s tough exterior (that he rarely lets down even as the years go by), but he has a great capacity for love in his heart. Gabumon is one of two characters we see him express this affection for (the other being T.K.) directly, and this song is entirely dedicated to his Digimon partner.

Multiple times throughout the various installments of Adventure, Matt finds himself separated from Gabumon. Hence the repeated “Don’t say goodbye” with the very clearly pained tone.

I think my favorite line would be this one: “You laughed a little when I said I wanted to become stronger and to protect you / But I thought it was still okay”. The beautiful thing about the human/Digimon bond is that one will always want to protect the other, even though one may be more capable of doing so. Matt’s desire to protect Gabumon most certainly stems from his protectiveness over T.K., but that doesn’t make it any less real.

Matt has a very intense love for Gabumon; his Digimon partner will always be close to his heart and soul. The “I need you” at the end of the song says it all. And it probably explains why this is the song I listen to most out of all of these.

Sora ; Yume no Kanau Basho

Sora’s had her moments of doubt and fear. Of course she has. But let’s not forget that for the most part, she remains optimistic and supportive with everyone in the group.

This song is about missing her Digimon, but it’s so optimistic about seeing her again, it’s hard to remember the pain involved.

The verses of the song seem to linger on good memories with Biyomon (”You stayed by my side when I felt hurt”) while the chorus discusses Sora’s desire to find the Digital World and meet up with Biyomon again (”No matter how far the future is / You and I are connected now”).

One of the most beautiful parts of the song is the verse before the second chorus.

“‘I’m sorry’ for how I’ve changed I wish you would always stay the same ‘Thank you’ with all of my heart I want to send you all of these feelings”

Sora changes a lot over the series, and lots of things change around her. The one constant, however, has been her love for Biyomon. These two are close in a way that the other partners aren’t, and that’s what I love about the series. No human/Digimon relationship is the same, although the forms of love are. The great thing about Sora and Biyomon is that we get to see in action what the others have emotionally/mentally. And that’s pretty much summed up in these two lines (which are my favorite in this song):

“If I could make only one wish It would be to stay with you from now on” 

Koshiro/Izzy ; Kioku no Kakera -Koshiro Side-

We all know it; Izzy has never been the most in touch with his emotions. Hell, he can barely handle his crush on Mimi during Tri without turning into a mess. When he does get his emotions together, though, it’s usually because of Tentomon in some way, shape, or form.

Although Izzy’s song is not expressly about the Adventure as a whole or Tentomon entirely, we do see a bit of insight into how Izzy truly saw his connection with Digimon affairs. He reflects on the first time he met Tentomon (”Your body was small / When I met you”) and even ponders the future (”The future we spoke of making has disappeared”). What remains is him struggling to put to words how he feels about all of this.

“I don’t know why I am crying”

This line is pretty self-explanatory. Izzy will probably always struggle to completely connect reality with his emotions, but because he learned to love Tentomon, he’s also learned to love others and he’s slowly getting there. I love our boy genius to death. Even if emotions don’t make sense, what he does understand are connections, hence, “Always, With you, I always want to stay connected with you”

I must also point out this line:  “When walls are closing in, you encourage me/ ‘That’s right’ ‘tell me more’ ‘try again’, over and over again”. In a world that didn’t understand how Izzy could be so embroiled in technology, Tentomon was always the one to encourage him, and for that, Izzy will always be grateful.

God, I love these two.

Mimi ; Go My Way

The very tone of this song is so Mimi, it’s almost painful.

It’s hard to tell who exactly Mimi is addressing in this song: the gang? Palmon? Meiko? Who can really say? Perhaps it’s all of them at once. Although it’s hard to tell, this song has very much the same feeling as Tai’s. There’s a very upbeat feeling to it, one about moving forward even when times are tough.

Mimi’s always struggled to handle the heavier parts of Digital affairs; she’s not a “heavy” person by nature. She kinda reveals this in-song (”I don’t know and I want to give up” ; “Don’t tell me that I don’t understand”), though. Her Crest, Sincerity (or Purity, but Sincerity’s always made more sense to me ANYWAY-), has helped her overcome this struggle bit by bit. You can see that in these lines:

“I want someone to live for” “I want to live by moving forward one step at a time without fear”

What I love about Mimi is that even though, on the surface, she keeps the superficiality, we know that she has always been in the process of becoming more genuine with others. She is the star of her own life, sure, but she knows she can’t do things alone. Now, she’s capable of apologizing for her own actions (”I’m so sorry for hurting you”), expressing love for those important to her (”I’m so glad to have met you”), and even accepting her own shortcomings (”Whether or not I realize how much of a miracle it is”). She’s grown a lot, and thanks to the reboot, we get to see her grow even more.

Jou/Joe ; I can’t

How much can I scream at one character?

Joe will always be the pessimist. There’s really no way he can’t be. He’ll always be the one to put other things before Digital World affairs, and that’s okay. He has priorities, just like we all do. Sometimes, I prioritize anime over sleep, and THAT’S OKAY TOO (unhealthy as it is).

We don’t necessarily see it in the series (even in Tri, it’s not expanded upon too heavily), but Joe does feel an incredible amount of guilt for not being there with the others on a constant basis. “Why can’t I just make up my mind?” ; “I wish I could make an excuse and pass like always / I feel like you will leave if I do…” ; “I’m not confident enough to do anything” are just a few lines that express his guilt/struggle with himself over this “abandonment” of his friends.

However, Joe does want to change. We see that clear as day in Tri and even in this song: “I sincerely want the strength to protect you too”. Gomamon is hella different from Joe, but that doesn’t stop them from loving each other. Gomamon will always be the one to bring him back, whether he wants him to or not. That is the power of the Joe/Gomamon team. Joe may not have faith in himself, but he’ll always have faith in Gomamon, and Gomamon will always feel the same about Joe.

“I don’t look back on the past I want us to keep living together like before I’m so glad to have met you I think I can be someone who speaks his heart I can’t help thinking of you all the time…”

Maybe Joe can fail the others, but he can never truly fail Gomamon.

Takeru/T.K. ; Kibou no Tsubasa

When did T.K. become this cutie pie with the fedora? WHEN. (I know when, don’t mind me.)

Similar to Sora, T.K. has always tried to be optimistic about things. But similar to Mimi, his comes out in this very idol-ish way.

This song is most definitely for Patamon, who has always been the cutest Digimon (to me, at least). T.K. and Patamon have always been close, and Patamon will always be incredibly important to him (”What is important to me is right here / Your smiling face here with me; I love you”). Ever since Devimon, T.K.’s protective streak with Patamon has been intense. We see that in 02, and we see it in Tri when Patamon gets Infected.

“I want to protect you forever and ever I wish I could capture your innocence I want to evolve from when I was a crybaby”

Even when T.K. grows up and knows that Patamon is technically the one to protect him, he wants to protect him. The T.K./Patamon dynamic is incredible in ways I can’t talk about without crying. They’re so fantastic, and the love they have for each other is beautiful to behold. No wonder T.K. says,

“I won’t lose you ever again”

Hikari/Kari ; Ring

Everything about Kari has always been hard for me to understand, and this song is no exception. (She has such a complex role, like damn.)

Like the others, this song is a message to her Digimon, but it’s a little less sentimental than we would normally expect from Kari. I think, for the most part, she reflects on her role as a DigiDestined and her dreams for peace between Digimon and humans. However, there is also her expressing how much she loves Gatomon: “My heart fears losing you as I wait for tomorrow.”

Kari’s always had a bit of an old soul. Even when she’s made of pure innocence, a part of her has always accepted the hard facts of life with grace. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t dwell too much on her fear of losing Gatomon. Obviously, she was completely shattered when it happened in Tri (indirectly), but that was probably because of the method by which it happened and her role in it.

I think the most powerful part of the song lies near the end, mostly because of its direct reference to Tri itself:

“Even if you have forgotten everything A sense of nostalgia will find you”

Kari will not be the last to reference the Digimon losing their memories, but the fact that she so casually brings up the hopefulness she felt in having Gatomon remember her again is so powerful. It speaks to the bond every pair of Digimon and humans have. And that is exactly what Kari’s always around for: demonstrating that bond.

Meiko ; Mebaeta Tsuyosa

Meiko’s song gives us the Meicoomon narrative in music format, and I actually really like it. This song speaks of the bond these two felt and how difficult Meiko finds it that her beloved partner has such an antagonistic role. It’s not the most positive of songs, but it does speak to the “I’d do anything for you” type of bond we see in just about every pair in this series.

“I felt like I knew everything about you, But the reality I knew has collapsed now”

Meiko had no way of knowing things would turn out the way they did, but she still felt an incredible guilt for something she did not cause at all. Though Meicoomon causes her plenty of pain (”You’ve given me courage, but also darkness”), Meiko cannot simply let go of the bond they have (”It will always be you and me / No matter what fate we are given”). In a way, it’s like a reverse Ken/Wormmon type of relationship.

It’s really too bad Meiko gets the flack she does for her role in this series. I found something rather relatable in her, and I liked her dynamic with Mimi especially. Her bond with Meicoomon is one that the rest of the DigiDestined related to, and that was why they wanted to help her. The bond between the two Mei’s isn’t something to sneeze at; it’s quite beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. This song puts that bond into more perspective.

“I’m sure the bond between us will never change Only I can quietly tell you that now forever”

Digimon Compilation

Agumon ; Agumon SUNba

There is absolutely nothing sentimental about this song and it remains perfect in every way.

Agumon! The ever hungry dinosaur! What better song for him to have than one where he talks about how hungry he is!

I love this song for how purely Agumon it is. We see how Tai has to deal with how hungry his partner is, while also seeing a sillier side to the little dinosaur that I, for one, love to joke about.

Not everything in Digimon needs to have a heavier undertone, and Agumon here just proves it.

Gabumon ; Kimi ni Totte

We see a lot of Matt’s perspective on things, but sometimes, we don’t hear enough of Gabumon. Personally, I think this song gives us all the perspective we need on the Gabu/Matt front. Like damn.

Gabumon has seen a lot of sides to Matt. He is witness to a lot of Matt’s softer and gentler moments, which is always fantastic to see. Although Matt without his harder outer shell wouldn’t be Matt, there’s a part of Gabumon that hopes he continues being gentle and kind in his own little way (”I want your gentle sound to continue, always”).

What I like about this song is that’s it’s a direct response to Matt’s “Don’t say goodbye” - he directly says “This is not goodbye,” which I’m sure Gabumon knows is the exact phrase Matt is looking for. Matt wants to know that Gabumon won’t leave him, and Gabumon makes sure to tell him that that will never happen.

Matt will always try to keep to himself, even though he trusts Gabumon (”Though you wouldn’t tell me how lonely you were”). Gabumon sees this, and while he accepts it, he wants Matt to know that they’re still a team (”I want to be able to run anywhere you will let me”).

Like Kari, Gabumon makes a very blatant reference to the memory loss that still makes me cry a bit:

“If you ever happen to forget everything about me I promise I will meet you again”

OKAY, GABUMON. MAKE ME CRY. IT’S FINE.

Gabumon has always been a calming force, but it’s nice to see him exhibit such strong emotions in regards to his partner. We know he has them, but it’s nice nonetheless. And of course he says “I need you” at the end of the song, which is the same thing Matt said. Even though they express their emotions differently, Matt and Gabumon have such an intense connection to each other, and they acknowledge without pause how much they need each other in their lives. They are a powerful force, even in music.

Piyomon/Biyomon ; Heart wo Sagase

Am I surprised that both Sora and Biyomon make reference to the sky and rainbows in their songs? Of course not. That’s just their way.

Both songs relay a search for “something,” whether it’s the “land of dreams” or “the heart”. Biyomon has a lot less sentimentality, but then, Biyomon has never been one to dwell on the sad side of their relationship. She’s always been a little more positive than even Sora, and we see that here.

Still, Biyomon does mention their connection (”Let’s hold hands to stick together”), and, in general, it’s a sweet song that embodies Biyomon’s heart. Which explains a lot, since the song is called “Search for the Heart.”

I don’t have much to say about this song, but I will admit, at first hear, I thought it was Sora singing and not Biyomon. Very interesting.

Tentomon ; Kioku no Kakera -Tentomon Side-

What I love about this song is that Tentomon isn’t really singing in the traditional sense. But then, he doesn’t need to.

This entire song is dedicated to Izzy. It tells us just how concerned Tentomon is for Izzy and his hardworking ways. He spends an entire verse telling Izzy to take care of himself, ending it with, “You’re my important partner / It’s natural that I’m worried about you.”

Tentomon has always been more in touch with emotions than Izzy, but he doesn’t fault his partner for it. In fact, it’s what makes them so compatible. He has such faith in Izzy (”Koushiro-han will succeed”), and he doesn’t want Izzy to ever lose faith in himself (”Don’t you see what a great person you are?” ; “It’s no good for you to give up hope”). Their connection truly is special; no wonder I started a side-blog dedicated to Tentomon.

Tentomon is the THIRD character to reference lost memories, which is interesting in an of itself:

“Even if I forget everything I can start over again from the beginning” 

I’ve noticed when the Digimon discuss this, they’re very optimistic about their connection with their partner. Kari, meanwhile, was a bit neutral on the topic but still somewhat positive. Very interesting.

Palmon ; Blooming your Heart

Palmon does not directly address Mimi like Tentomon addresses Izzy, but the message remains the same.

Palmon and Mimi’s relationship has always been tinged with more sweetness than the others’, in my eyes. They exist to make each other smile and grow stronger in heart. (”I’ll make you smile more and more, whoa~”) I especially love how Palmon mentions Mimi’s famous hat: “And that ten-gallon hat forever, my heart with you”

Still, there is the presence of comfort between these two. Palmon will always be there for Mimi (”If your pain won’t wither and pain blooms, I’ll be by your side“) and will always treasure her, no matter what. It’s the same for the other Digimon, for sure, but Palmon’s love for Mimi is, somehow, more pure than the others, and that’s what’s lovely about it.

“Because you are my world, my best garden”

Gomamon ; You can

Like Gabumon’s, Gomamon’s song is a direct response to Joe.

Gomamon has always known how different he and Joe are (”We may fight, but we laugh a lot too”), and in some ways, their relationship is rougher than the others - when they argue, it lasts longer than the others’ arguments with their partners. Yet despite all this, Gomamon understands Joe in a way I don’t think even Joe does. (”But I understand you / You have to go your own way”) Gomamon accepts Joe for who he is; a prime example is this verse here:

“I think that’s just the way you are You have a gentle presence But you only show it to me I don’t mind it being that way”

Even though he understands and loves Joe, Gomamon still expresses frustration at Joe’s hesitance when it comes to involving himself in the various Adventures (”You can, so when are you going to stand up?”). Gomamon knows for a fact Joe can do anything he sets his mind to, but anxiety always holds him back. And therein lies the most important line of the song:

“But I don’t want you to forget that you are not alone”

Gomamon knows he can; Joe says he can’t. In some ways, both are right. But I think Gomamon will always be right to push Joe to step outside and face those fears of his.

Patamon ; Daisuki-ism

This is the absolute cutest song ever. This one and Agumon’s have my heart wrapped around their notes.

I don’t have much to say about this song either, as it’s pretty direct. Patamon loves T.K. a whole damn lot, and this song is such a sweet song dedicated to their relationship.

T.K.’s lucky to have Patamon. He so genuinely loves his partner that he’s not afraid to say it, and he’s not afraid to protect him, no matter the cost.

“When you’re happy you show it with your cheeks You always make me smile Every time you hold me I won’t forget that wonderful feeling”

Tailmon/Gatomon ; Together as one

Gatomon has always been more quietly sentimental about her relationship with Kari, and this song is no different.

Because of the nature of their meeting, Gatomon loves Kari in a very gentle way. They met under trying circumstances, and Kari gave her a love she wasn’t used to. Yet together, they lost someone important (Wizardmon), and from then on, they seemed almost closer than a lot of the other partner pairs.

In fact, unless I’m mistaken, Gatomon makes a reference to Wizardmon in the song: “I miss holding hands with my beloved friend”. This could, of course, be a reference to Kari, but I’d like to think that Gatomon never has Wizardmon far from her mind.

In any case, Gatomon’s song is sentimental in a way Kari’s isn’t, and it’s a nice balance between the two. There’s direct reference to a “light,” which surely means Kari’s Crest (”I can believe in the light” ; “I believe the light will guide us towards a bright future”). Gatomon also mentions a “warmth,” which she feels when she’s around Kari, which makes sense, since Myotismon never gave her any such warmth.

Kari’s song mentions nostalgia; I think, in some ways, she was referring to Gatomon. This song has a very nostalgic feel to it, especially in the last line:

“Let’s go back to the time where we can smile together again”

I think sometimes even Gatomon forgets that she is capable of very strong sentimentality and nostalgia. It’s very nice to see in a show like Digimon.

Meicoomon ; Ura-omote Crossroad

I think what we often forget is how much pain Meicoomon was in throughout Tri. She didn’t want to cause all the trouble and pain that she did; she was not in control. This song gives us insight into her hopelessness and how Meiko was the only thing that could really lead her back to a Digimon version of sanity.

Meiko deeply loved Meicoomon, and Meicoomon felt exactly the same way. They’re a very sweet duo, and while their existence in general is a topic of debate in the Digimon fandom, I think it was very interesting to see. Considering all the original eight were wholly good, and so were their partners (you know, despite past hiccups), it was nice to see one of them purposely being an antagonist in spite of their partner’s alignment.

Anyway. In this song, we see Meicoomon’s struggle to stay true to herself and her relationship with Meiko (”I can’t escape them, but I don’t want to lose you / I can’t separate the light from shadow”) as well as her own inner turmoil with everything happening to her (”What should I do if I’m left here all alone?”).

The true point of this song is that Meicoomon was lost and looking for Meiko during the entirety of Tri. She wanted nothing more than to find her way back to her, but of course, that wasn’t up to her. Meicoomon desires nothing more than to be with Meiko, but those of us who have seen Tri know that she doesn’t get to see that through. Still, she can’t help but say:

“Let’s keep smiling forever”

Tri always gave me a lot of feels, but somehow, Meicoomon gives me more of them than I ever think at first glance. So kudos to Meicoomon for being one of those characters that frustrates me as well as makes me cry.

-------

So this turned out longer than expected, but there it is. Some of these are more tangent-y than I meant, but that’s the way I analyze, I guess. At least I’ve got my thinking cap on, right...?

I highly recommend both “compilations”! I personally listen to “Boku ni Totte”, “Kimi ni Totte”, and “Kibou no Tsubasa” a lot, but I’ve been listening to “Yume no Kanau Basho” a lot lately. “Agumon SUNba” and “Daisuki-ism” are, of course, classics, but the rest are gems in their own right as well!

[theroyalmile]

Started from the Bottom Now We’re... A Little Bit Above the Bottom

Note to Readers: I wrote this on Sunday morning at 5:30a.m.  It captures one of the lowest moments I have felt throughout this whole experience and though I am feeling much better right now, and very much so looking forward to my surgery on Tuesday, I think it’s important, when being open about this whole thing, to capture this snapshot of emotion.  I will warn you ahead of time that this is not a “fun” read. But it is honest. And I truly believe the sentiment at the end- this was very close to rock bottom for me, so I’m looking forward to the journey back up, beginning with my surgery in 5 days. 

*******

A couple of weeks ago, I reached a milestone I never thought would happen.  I finished chemo.  This milestone felt triumphant.  It felt miraculous.  I had successfully leaped this giant hurdle, with more ease than I ever expected.  Lucky was the word I kept using.  Lucky I had never gotten sick.  Lucky neuropathy had never taken hold.  Lucky my lifted fingernails had never fallen off.  Lucky my hair was starting to grow back.  Lucky that while still terrible, chemo had been so much easier for me than I knew it was for most. 

I rode this high into a wonderful celebratory night with some close friends.  What was meant to be a large BBQ outside was hindered by a rainstorm, relegated to the indoors, and made much smaller, and yet, I was still deliriously happy. I held onto that delirium from one thing to the next- a laughter filled game night at my parents' new home, a lovely, relaxing few days with my partner’s family, to a productive, incredibly normal feeling day back in the office.  

As I prepared to continue riding that high into my long awaited “girls weekend” with some friends who had all banded together to come in from out of town, I received a call.  It was the plastic surgery department calling to confirm my surgery date for June 22- a date that was three weeks earlier than the date I had in my calendar and that I had spent the last two months making plans around. I was confused, annoyed, and a little scared.  What had happened, I wondered?  I contacted my social worker via email to ask her, nicely of course, what the ever-loving f*** was happening.  She told me she would get to the bottom of it immediately.  I did my best to enter into my girls weekend undeterred from having the most fun ever, as was planned.  

The next day, I received a call from my surgeon who walked me through why the date had changed, and the pros and cons to changing the date.  I won’t get into the details but the most important point is, she said it was ultimately my decision on which date to keep, but from a cancer care perspective the earlier date was optimal.  This is not to say the later date would have been dangerous, just not-optimal, whatever that means.  I asked if I could have the weekend to think about it and she said of course.  I called my partner to discuss, and my mother.  I made a little pro/con list in my phone that I would let ruminate for the weekend.  And then I did my best, mostly successfully, to put this all in the back of my mind until Monday so I could enjoy my girls weekend as planned.  

Ultimately, after what ended up being a wonderful, mostly cancer-thought-free weekend, with the help of my family, partner, social worker, and little pro/con list, I decided to move my surgery date up to the earlier date.  After all, my number one goal here is to be cancer-free.  Why would I not do everything I could to best ensure that result.  Somewhat begrudgingly, but confidently, I altered all my plans.  I informed work of my new surgery date which they wholeheartedly accepted and supported.  I cancelled my “staycation” and other various plans I had made to enjoy my last free weekends before my procedure.  I went through the process of reworking my entire brain to accept that this was all happening much, much sooner than I had planned.  I found a way to become re-excited by my surgery and what it meant.  No more cancer in my body.  The light at the end of the tunnel was back and closer than ever.

One particularly hard pill to swallow with this closer date was that with my post-chemo energy climbing, I had been excited to start working out again, and start eating healthy again.  I had hoped in those 30+ days I might even lose some of the 5 pounds or so of the chemo weight I had gained.  I wanted to go into this surgery feeling powerful, strong, positive and healthy. With this newer surgery date I felt that this goal was still possible, I just had less time to accomplish it.  That was fine, I thought, after all, it wasn’t about the weight loss as much as it was about feeling good.  And I was determined to do my damndest to feel as good as possible with the time I had.   

I started working out every day.  Nothing crazy or overzealous I thought.  Some brief cardio, 30-45 minutes on the stationary bike.  Light weight lifts.  Beginner level stuff.  Enough to work up a minor sweat and push me a little.  But not to push too hard.  With the support of my partner I started eating well (emphasis well, not less).  More salads, more fruit, more water.  Less junk food.  I was meditating daily, which is something I have never done before.  I was feeling good, feeling empowered.  I had even lost 2 pounds, which was, frankly, just a bonus. 

I went into my plastic surgery pre-op appointment excited and nervous.  I was going to be able to ask all of my questions about the surgery, which I had written out ahead of time.  I was going to learn about how to care for my recovering body.  This appointment made this all seem so real. More so than it had before.  But I was happy about that.  I was shocked by how excited I was by the idea of a bilateral mastectomy.  Of course, still very scared, but excited, which made the fear more palatable. 

I don’t like to say things that are overly flattering of myself, but I like to think through this whole process I have remained fairly calm, undeterred, and strangely positive.  Not in a Pollyanna positive kind of way (as my mother would say), just optimistic about the outcome of all of this.  Optimism is not my natural mode, so I have worked very hard to do this.  That is not to say it hasn’t been hard.  Or course it has.  This has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have cried more these last few months than probably the last few years combined.  But I have remained, for the most part, positive.  

This was how I felt walking into my plastics pre-op appointment.  My mother was with me for support.  She had been there with me for my first consult with plastics and oh boy, had I needed her.  When the sheer weight of everything had hit me once we started going over breast reconstruction, I had completely lost it.  She was there to support me and help lift up my voice when I could hardly speak.  I had not anticipated that would be necessary this time, but she was there as a precaution, and as an extra set of ears.  But it turned out I needed her more than ever.  When my plastic surgeon out of the blue suggested I consider having my mastectomy without reconstruction, take a few months to recover and lose 20 or so pounds, and then come back for my reconstruction later, I lost it completely.  We had already been over this two months prior.  We had addressed concerns about my weight and determined the surgery as is, mastectomy and reconstruction all in one, was doable, and the right procedure for me.  My weight had not changed since this conversation in March.  Nothing had.  So what the hell.  And when I say “lost it” I mean full, heaving, sobbing, hard to breathe tears.  I couldn’t think straight.  I wanted to vomit.  I wanted to throw something.  I wanted to scream.  We were two weeks out from surgery and here was this curveball that could change everything.  All my questions I had pre-prepared, all of my excitement went right out the window.   I remember my mother saying to the nurses, with a thinly veiled anger, “She has been very stoic through all of this, but I think today you guys broke her.”

The thing here I must make you all understand is that I am having a surgery I would never in a million years have elected to have if I did not have breast cancer and a genetic condition that gave me a 40% chance of getting breast cancer again.  I am having both my breasts removed, and reconstructed with tissue from my stomach.  Does the idea of that make you uncomfortable?  Yeah, me too.  I don’t want this.  I will never wanted this.  But I have accepted that this surgery is my best shot at having a normal life where I do not have to wake up every day in fear of my cancer returning.  And this particular surgery, a mastectomy and reconstruction all in one, with my own tissue, while much more intense in terms of both surgical time and recovery time, is the procedure that made this “choice” that wasn’t really a choice the most palatable.  I am not sugar coating to say I was excited. But when the option of doing the procedure the way I wanted was possibly being taken away from me it was all too much to handle.  My mother was right.  It broke me.

We left that appointment with more questions than answers.  Both of us dejected, angry, bordering on more tears to accompany the ones we had already shed.  After an emergency meeting with my social worker and much discussion (and more tears), and an analysis of the risks and benefits in front of me, I was done sacrificing my choices.  I had already sacrificed too much to this disease and I was done.  I was determined to stick with the procedure I had been planning for since March. 

So did this whole event take the wind a bit out of my sails? Yes.  It ruined everything just a little bit for me, and stands to make all of this a little bit harder.  All the same, after making my decision, I was determined to push forward,  I kept up the exercising, I had two more very productive days at the office and felt confident about my medical leave from my job.  Was I feeling as strong as before?  Not quite.  But I was feeling better.  And the weekend was approaching fast, which I was looking forward to.

I had plans for the weekend.  Nothing monumental.  Saturday, my partner and I had planned to go to the driving range at a local golf course.  This was a favorite activity of mine when I was younger. My uncle Billy, who died in 2019, used to take me to the driving range when I was a pre-teen/teen.  I was excited to give it a shot again and see if I still had it, or at least had my 14-year-old version of “it”.  Saturday also happened to be the two year anniversary of my Uncle Billy’s death, which I had forgotten, but I wonder if subconsciously I remembered, as the coincidence is a bit too odd to ignore.  Then Sunday, we planned to go to the beach.  We were going to get there early, 8am for low tide, because one of our favorite activities is to explore tide pools.  This may seem juvenile, but the beach, and the tide pools bring me immense joy.  Though I only had two weekends before my surgery and a month long recovery, I was determined to make the most of them. 

However, my weekend plans, like my pre-surgery excitement, were perhaps too good to be true.  Saturday morning, before my day had really even started, I was bending over to put something in the compost when my back gave out and a sharp pain hit me in the center of my lower back.  I was stuck there crouched down, wondering if I could even stand.  With much pain I did stand, and suddenly realized I was in trouble.  I called out to Caleb with a bit of urgency, and when he came over, I said “Something happened to my back, I don’t think I can walk.” And I truly didn’t think I could.  He slowly walked me over to the couch where I was able to lay down, but not without excruciating pain.  And when I say excruciating, I mean it.  On the pain scale- the one that doctors always have with the little frowny faces I would say it was a 7.  Maybe a 6.  Maybe an 8.  Whatever it was, I can way with utmost certainty, I have never, in my entire life, felt this much pain.  Whenever I sat up- pain.  Whenever I stood- pain.  Whenever I took a step- pain.  This was make-you-want-to-vomit pain.  This was need-help-going-to-the-bathroom pain.  This was I-am-afraid-to-move-even-a-little pain.  I have hurt my back before.  But never, ever like this.  

With my upcoming surgery I am restricted from taking blood thinning medication - so no ibuprofen, no aspirin.  I am also restricted from taking CBD, THC, and any marijuana products.  I tried acetaminophen.  I tried wet heat.  I tried dry heat.  I tried ice.  None of it seemed to really help.  We considered going to the emergency room but I wasn’t sure I could make it down our front stairs, let alone into a car.  Plus the idea of one single unnecessary second in a hospital, especially with a long hospital stay looming, was unpalatable. Finally, I called Dana Farber and spoke with the on-call physician, who, after confirming it was safe for me pre-surgery, prescribed me muscle relaxers.  

Of course, a driving range trip was out of the question.  I cancelled dinner plans with a friend as well.  I felt little to no relief until 11pm, which allowed me to make it up the stairs and into bed.  The relief gave me a false sense of hope, thinking perhaps, by tomorrow, I will be better.  Maybe even better enough to go to the beach.  My one beach trip of the summer.  That’s all I wanted.  I knew tidepools were out of the question.  But maybe I could at least put my feet in the sand, and smell the ocean water.  That seemed good enough.

As soon as I awoke on Sunday at 5:30am to take my next dose of pain meds and muscle relaxers  I knew it would never happen.  I had reverted back to my earlier pain levels.  I struggled to get out of bed, and required being literally held up to go to the bathroom. And I never went back to sleep after that.  I just sat there, taking in everything that was happening to me at that moment.  Taking stock of the ways my body felt like it was was failing me. Listing the things I had lost.  Obsessing on the disappointments.  

I can’t quite find the words to express how it feels to be sitting awake, propped up against your headboard like a ragdoll at 5:30 am on a Sunday, crying, but trying to be silent so as not to wake your partner, who, after tirelessly caring for you, helping you walk to the bathroom all night, has finally been able to fall asleep.  Looking outside at the beautiful, cloudless blue sky, feeling the warmth of a perfect beach day seep in through the window screens, knowing I likely won’t even make it out of the house let alone to the beach.  

Rage.  White-hot rage is what I felt.  Not at anyone or anything.  I don’t even have a god to be mad at. Just life.  I was mad at life.  I was furious that my one weekend to enjoy, relax, and take my mind off of everything, even if just for a moment, had been taken from me, not even by cancer, but by some freak occurrence. 

In this moment, sitting there, silent tears streaming down my face, chest heaving with the sheer weight of just everything I realized there was one thing I could do- my one sedentary, legless outlet.  I could write.  

So gingerly, I pushed myself out of bed and shuffled my way over to my work desk.  With the support of the desk I lowered myself onto the floor to reach for my personal laptop.  I opened it.  Dead.  I located the power cord under my desk, unplugged.  After several painful moments of reaching, I determined I wasn’t going to be able to reach the outlet.  No fear, I had a backup plan.  I reached up and grabbed my work laptop.  Power cord already plugged in- bingo.  I opened it, made my way into Google Docs and started typing.  I got five words in before a blue screen with a frowny face appeared.  Well, thank goodness I used Google Docs.  I rebooted and logged back in.  Another sentence.  Blue screen.  Frowny face.  I rebooted again.  And again.  And again.  At least six or seven times of this, all while that pit of rage stuck somewhere between my throat and my belly swirled painfully.  All I wanted in this one moment was an outlet- a chance to be able to write about my pain.  And I was even being denied that. 

As I rebooted, and rebooted, and rebooted, for the first time in a long time another word popped into my head which I had vowed to never use.

Unfair.

I hate the word unfair.  And I hate it in the context of my cancer diagnosis.  I was recently explaining this to a friend of mine.  It’s not that I so much hate other people using the word unfair to describe what is happening to me, or to describe something happening outside of my diagnosis, but I refuse to use it for myself.  I feel this way because I believe nothing about my life is unfair.  Yeah, I got cancer.  Yeah, I got cancer at 28.  But why not me?  So many people get cancer, what the hell makes me so special that it shouldn’t be me.  What about the little kids I see at Dana Farber any time I’m there, running around with their little chubby bald heads.  I got to be 28 before I had cancer- they didn’t.  That’s unfair to them.  But not to me.  The word unfair scares me- because I truly believe once I begin to think that about my situation, about myself, about my current circumstances, I won’t be able to come back from that.  I won’t be able to escape unfair. 

Finally, as if sensing I was about to throw it against the wall, my laptop came to life and stayed that way.  And I wrote all of this, starting with “unfair” and working backwards. Working through all of the things that have happened in the last two weeks to bring me to that word. 

I have concluded that, still, none of this is unfair.  Am I pissed off? Yeah.  Exhausted?  Absolutely.  Angry. Sad. Scared. Humiliated. Humbled. Overwhelmed. Still in pain, as I sit here?  Unfortunately, yes. But I feel oddly… better. Actually, I’m kind of smiling now as I write this and I truly have no idea why.  Maybe at the absurdity of it all?  Maybe because I am feeling so many things right now, why not add amused. 

I’ve mentioned this before but dark humor is in my blood.  It came with the DNA that gave me the BRCA1 mutation that gave me breast cancer- ironic, huh? Or full circle- I can’t tell which. I am too tired and delirious from pain and lack of sleep to know the difference. That DNA also gave me my beautiful hair- which is making it’s slow comeback.  My sense of humor. My taste in music.  My sense of travel and adventure.  My love for words.  It is half of who I am, and therefore a part of me I would never give up or change, because without it I would be someone else.  And most importantly, it gave me this gift, this outlet of writing, which has somehow, in the last two hours, healed quite a lot of pain.  

That seems quite fair, does it not?

I don’t know when my back pain will subside.  I don’t know if it will have any effect on my surgery in a week and a half.  I don’t even know if I will make it to the beach before then.  But I do know that even with all of these uncertainties I feel compelled to write it down and share it with whoever feels compelled to read it.  Because it's important to me that I remember what this moment feels like.  

Because you know what they say about rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up, baby. 

[darkpoisonouslove]

2020 in Words

After the total exhaustion and lack of motivation of the last few months, I have finally found the strength to review 2020. In terms of writing, that is. Otherwise, we ain’t touching that with a 100-foot pole. But anyway, let’s get to the actual good part of 2020 - the writing.

Word Count:

678, 105 words

And that isn’t actually all. I have started various things that 2021 caught still in progress so there are more words to be added to that number but I’ll count them towards whatever time frame I finish them in (I do not even dare assume that all of them will be finished this year).

A little over 1/7th of that word count was accomplished only in March when I wrote over 100k words. Wow, productivity where did you go? I know that the world is going to hell but do you mind coming back? I can use you. I have so many new ideas that I am really excited about but totally lack the energy to actually get to. Hope that will change in the next weeks because there is A Lot going on in my head that I am actually dying to share.

Fandoms:

Winx Club has totally taken over for me. I have barely written five works this year that are not about that show and I just don’t know what is happening anymore. I have so many thoughts and things to discuss and fix about it and I have a feeling that some upcoming events will only reinforce that position. But what truly matters is that it has truly made 2020 more bearable to be in the fandom and write fic. The interactions with other fans have been lovely which is totally worth the brain damage that some experiences over this show have inflicted.

Once Upon a Time lurked until about the half of the year but I can’t say that I have been actively interested in it. I just rewatched 4A for the Frozen Swan interactions and 4B for Cruella De Vil and that was pretty much all of it this year. I think it’s safe to say that at this point I have more or less moved on from the show and I do not expect a miraculous comeback to it. Which leaves my rewatch dangling over the chasm of uncertainty but I have projects I am far more interested in rn to be thinking about that.

I actually joined the Lucifer fandom this year, though I cannot say that I am active in it at all. It was nice to challenge myself with the small contribution I made to the fanworks in the fandom so I am putting it here because I am not done with watching the show even though I don’t think I have a good enough grasp on any of the characters in order to actually write them.

Ships:

Well, 2020 definitely delivered on that front. I have found myself piles of new ships to ship the hell out. Some I am more grateful about, others leave me slightly bitter over not knowing what to do with them but it certainly hasn’t been boring. Because this is my wrap-up and contemplation, I get to list them and maybe say a couple of words about some of them.

Griffin x Valtor - Not new but it was definitely the biggest part of that year.

Griffin x Valtor x Faragonda - New in the sense of me having written a fic about this now... and having several more ideas on my drives so... beware, future!

Griffin x Faragonda - Also not new but when the feelings catch up with me, they really mean it. Two major bursts of inspiration about them have left me with interesting results and I am looking forward to finding out where this goes.

Marion x Oritel - That was new. It was the first new ship of the year. I have more ideas about them but the muse has not visited lately. I am not giving up, though. Sometimes you gotta sail the ship even when there’s no wind.

Flora x Icy - That was definitely a surprise. I don’t know what happened but I do know that a goddamn look at Pinterest has brought on an entire epic about them (and the other Trix and Winx) so... thanks for that, Pinterest. I wish you could pin free time on Pinterest and go consume it later so that I would actually have the time to work on all of this.

Layla x Stella - Oh, yeah, baby! I have feelings and I really want to do at least an outline of what would be too long to actually write as a fic, especially since I have A Lot on my plate rn.

Griffin x Griselda - Well, that... happened. I have no idea where any of this is going, only that it is a major part of Griffin’s arc in my most major series so... I guess it’s headed somewhere. Just have to stay along for the ride.

Zarathustra x Griselda - So totally trashcankitty12′s fault... But I guess I am the one responsible for actually including it in already ongoing stories.

Ediltrude x DuFour - Okay, that one I totally roped myself into. Do I regret it? ... Maybe a little because it may need to remain just background thanks to everything else that I have going on.

Griffin x Marion - Almost forgot that which is a damn shame because it is one of my absolute most favorite ships.

Griffin x Valtor x Marion - Not gonna lie, this has been sneaking into some stray ideas too repetitively to be an accident. Will it ever exist outside of my head, though?

Samara x Erendor - I just wanted to make them more likable to me because they were my least favorite characters on the show. Worked too well and now I am in fic hell.

Bloom x Sky - I got ONE idea, okay? Too bad that I love it too much for my own good, especially considering that it is sort of a rewrite of the series. Like I didn’t have enough of those already.

There are more, actually, but we will be here all day if I have to list every stray idea that I have entertained so let’s just move on.

Stories:

Winx Club - 80 (4 unfinished and 3 that I have been dragging with me since 2019 for a total of 7/111 incomplete.)

OUAT - 3 (all finished but I have two collections that are still open from 2019 and 2018 respectively)

Lucifer - 1 (it was a one-shot but I am glad that I managed to write it at all)

Original works - 1 (poem that I came up with at 4am)

That makes a total of 85 written works this year which is honestly astounding! My brain has been harping on me about not being productive since June but I have actually gotten quite a lot of work done! (Fun fact - my total for 2019 was 58 stories, and for 2020 it is 85 XD. We’re gonna need some new numbers in 2021.)

First fic of the year - Gold and Purple (Griffin x Valtor AU inspired by a Bulgarian folk tale)

Last fic of the year - New Warmth to Weave in Your Garden of Shine (Samara x Erendor + New Year traditions and worldbuilding on Eraklyon)

Favorite writing moment - that has got to be coming up with a wild idea for my season  rewrite that I will not be spoiling now. It was also inspired by Bulgarian folklore and I am so excited to reveal it (because it is so fucking grand) but we will all have to be patient.\

Wildest writing experience - definitely the entirety of chapter 4 from A Home You Never Knew How to Have. Man, that was... a goddamn ride. In every sense of the word. I still haven’t reread that bitch after posting it even though I have opened it probably a hundred times.

I launched several series this year that will need a lot of work to be brought to completion. Naturally, my focus is not on finishing those but on starting new things. Because of course it is. So here’s a heads-up for another post that will be coming shortly with announcements of my ideas. I would like to call it a plan for 2021 but I fear that will be too presumptuous of me so I will say that it is my hope that those are things that are to be released this year but I will only lapel them as projects that I am looking forward to rather than “upcoming”.

Other Works:

This year actually bore a couple other forms of art so I am going to list my creations in other mediums below because they deserve the attention.

Aesthetics:

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Marion

Ediltrude & Zarathustra

Siren AU:

Griffin

Ediltrude

Zarathustra

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Magic-Swapped Transformations:

Griffin Winx

Ediltrude Winx

Zarathustra Winx

Griffin Chamrix

Ediltrude Chamrix

Zarathustra Chamrix

Griffin Enchantix

Ediltrude Enchantix

Zarathustra Enchantix

Videos:

Griffin/Valtor - The Devil I Know

Winx - Trouble

Marion x Oritel/Griffin x Valtor/Faragonda x Hagen - Savage

Bloom/Mitzi - Wicked

Samara - You Should See Me in a Crown

Bloom/Sky - Kerosene

Winx Rewatch:

I actually rewatched all 8 seasons of the show + the 3 movies and I have written out my thoughts on all of them. You can find them here:

Winx Club Season 1 4kids (Stream of Consciousness) (I am actually considering redoing this one because it wasn’t in-depth like the others are)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Magical Adventure (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Mystery of the Abyss (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 1: Destiny of Bloom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 2: Revenge of the Trix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 3: The Battle for Magix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 4: The Shadow Phoenix (Stream of Consciousness)

I will not be writing any takeaways because I already talked about some of those in an ask and my brain is too fired at the moment to pull off some actual analysis and compose a proper conclusion. To be perfectly honest, I prefer not to think too much on 2020. It brought a lot of good things along with the bad but I still prefer not to look back on it if it isn’t necessary. I think it received enough of my energy already.

[nicolewrites]

We Stand, Fate-Tested - II

Sticking with the longer chapters. I finished this part up instead of an essay due in 5 hours, so it’s a gift you should run with. I have the outline for the story roughly in place, but no promises about when the next update will be. 

Rating: T+ Genre: Mystery, Friendship, Romance Characters: [Byleth/My Unit, Dimitri B.], [Byleth/My Unit, Claude R.] Words: 5,826

Byleth leads the first tutorial of the year. / The Blue Lions return home for the second time since the war's end.

AO3 | FFN

II - In Circles We Tread

Garreg Mach University - 14 Horsebow Moon, 732 AU

Byleth arrived at the classroom where her tutorial section was meeting ten minutes early. She was hoping that whatever class had the room before her would be done early so that she could set up her laptop and her review slides for the session. Fortunately, there didn’t appear to have been a class in the room so she was able to enter as soon as she arrived.

Byleth was in the midst of setting up her laptop with the tangled, university-supplied cables when her first student arrived. It was the same girl with straight, dark hair that had been the first student to arrive in the lecture the week before. She approached the front desk and smiled at Byleth.

Byleth paused in her set up. “Hi,” she greeted.

“Hello, Miss Eisner,” the girl replied. “My name is Lysithea.”

Byleth nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Lysithea. You’re a bit early, but please, have a seat wherever you’d like.”

The girl nodded and sat right in the front row. She pulled out a laptop and began tapping away at the keyboard. Byleth went back to setting up her presentation as more students trickled in. She recognized the boy with green hair, half of the group of students that had sat near her in lecture, as well as Claude and Dimitri. Claude took a seat in the back, flanked by a girl with bright pink hair and a boy with purple hair and expensively styled clothes while Dimitri sat with the friends he had sat with in lecture.

Byleth finished setting up her slides and glanced at the clock. It was one minute before 1:30, when the tutorial was supposed to begin so she stood up, assessing her class. Her tutorial section had half the class and Seteth ran the tutorial with the other half. As it was the first tutorial of the section, attendance was at almost, or entirely, full capacity, something which likely wouldn’t continue throughout the whole semester.

“Hi everyone,” she greeted when the clock finally ticked over to 1:30. The chatter in the room mostly died out and all the curious faces turned to face her. A bead of nervousness pricked in her chest, but she smiled and forced it down. “As I’m sure you guys know, I’m Byleth Eisner and I’ll be your TA for this class. I’m leading this tutorial section, Tutorial 2, and Dr. Cichol leads Tutorial 1.”

She leaned down and moved to the first slide in her slideshow which was a trio of pictures. The first was Byleth and Seteth working in a lab doing hands-on analysis of artifacts. The second was a shot of Byleth posing with her undergrad thesis team at Shambhala where they had done an expedition. The last photo was Byleth in the Main Hall of the university as she presented her undergraduate thesis.

“I’m in my first year of my Masters here at Garreg Mach University with a specialization in Unification Era Archaeology focused on the Guardian of Order. I did my undergraduate degree here and graduated with a combined honours in Archaeology and History. Dr. Cichol is currently my Masters supervisor which is why I’m here as your TA.”

There were a few murmurs across the class as people assessed her qualifications. Byleth ignored them and moved to her next slide which held a photo of the ancient sword that was rumoured to have been wielded by the Guardian of Order. They had discussed it in lecture since it was one of very few relics from the Unification Era that hadn’t been lost to looters or fire. However, since it was still early in the semester, they’d looked at the blade objectively, not as a relic wielded by the Guardian.

“Archaeology is the study of material remains of humans and societies. In our first class we talked about the first step of working with artifacts: description, classification, and analysis. The next step is the placement of an artifact within its historical context. If we take this image here, can someone give me a description for it?” She gestured to the screen and the image of the sword. “And, for the first few classes if you can just say your name beforehand so I can get to know everyone, that would be much appreciated.”

The blonde girl sitting with Dimitri raised her hand and Byleth nodded. “I’m Ingrid,” the girl introduced, brushing her braid back over her shoulder. “The first step would be to identify the weapon as an ancient blade, likely a longsword. It appears to be made of some kind of bone or clay material due to its lack of metallic qualities.”

Byleth nodded. “Excellent, thank you, Ingrid. Now, can someone give me a guess about the historical context of the blade based off of that?”

Lysithea, the girl who had been early for class, raised her hand. “Given the design of the blade and its recovery location, this is likely a blade that had been used in the Unification War. Due to appearance, it is likely that the blade was used by a highly ranked soldier, officer, or commander. It fell to disuse probably after the fire in 101 and 102 AU.”

Byleth nodded and was about to commend Lysithea when Claude raised his hand. She raised an eyebrow and gestured for him to speak.

Claude was leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head as he made steady eye contact with Byleth. “Maybe I just know this as a History major, but that blade fell to disuse before the Great Fire of Garreg Mach. It would have been around 9 AU that it was no longer wielded. It’s structure greatly resembles the other legendary weapons of the time known as ‘Relics’.”

Byleth appraised Claude. He was correct, of course, but it had taken her a lot of research to actually find the year when the Guardian was reported to have disappeared, leaving her legendary blade to the Royal Collection. “That is correct, Claude,” she agreed. “This sword,” she paused to continue the presentation on her laptop which let the label pop up on the screen, “is known to us as the Guardian’s Blade, the weapon that was wielded by the Guardian of Order in the Unification War.”

There were a few more jumbled murmurs around the room as students processed what she was saying.

“Pardon me, Miss Eisner,” the green-haired boy said, raising a hand, “if you’re saying this weapon is one of the Relics, why was it recovered separately from the rest of the ancient weapons?”

“That’s an excellent question,” she trailed off, gesturing for the student to give his name.

“Linhardt.”

“Linhardt,” Byleth repeated. “In the year 7 AU, after the death of the Saviour King, the Guardian of Order called for the collection of the Relics to be displayed as artifacts and historical trophies instead of used as weapons. It has never been confirmed, but historians have theorized that since the Guardian of Order disappeared just under a year after her husband’s passing, she took her blade with her when she vanished. The discovery of the sword here at Garreg Mach is one of the biggest mysteries regarding her disappearance.”

At the back of the classroom, Claude’s friends were whispering, but Claude’s green eyes were fixed sharply on Byleth as she explained. Byleth tried to ignore him as she continued to field questions as well as offer her own discussion questions. The rest of the 50-minute section passed relatively quickly, but right until the end, Byleth could have sworn that Claude didn’t take his eyes off of her.

At 2:20, Byleth concluded the discussion and dismissed class, saying she would see everyone back the next week. Conversations broke out and people started packing up. She unplugged her laptop from the projector and started putting away her own things. She slid her laptop into her bag and looked up when someone cleared their throat in front of the podium. Byleth found Claude smirking at her, his hands wrapped around the straps of his backpack.

“Good discussion,” he complimented.

“Thank you,” Byleth replied. She still felt on edge around Claude. There was something about him that was so infuriatingly familiar and she just couldn’t figure out what it was because it certainly wasn’t just because he was the son of an ambassador.

“Combined honours with History, hm?” he continued. “Sounds familiar.”

Byleth rolled her eyes but smiled faintly. “Yes, it appears we have similar interests.” She contemplated something for a moment before she pushed forward with it: “Have you taken a lot of courses in Unification Era history?”

Claude shrugged. “I took 234 and I’m currently in 316.”

Byleth had taken both of those courses herself. History 234 was the Unification War History course and History 316 was History of the Unification Years. Neither was particularly heavy in information about the Guardian of Order and the Guardian’s Blade, topics Claude had already proved himself knowledgeable in.

“Is knowing everything just a hobby then?” she asked.

Claude laughed this time. “If I knew everything I don’t think I’d be in your class, Teach.”

The nickname caught her off guard and she blinked dumbly at him for a moment. Claude seemed to recognize his blunder and he winced.

“Ah, sorry if that was weird, it just felt right.”

Byleth bit her lip and shook her head. “It’s fine, really,” she assured. In all honesty, the nickname had felt fitting and familiar. It was weird.

“Anyways, I don’t suppose there’s any way we could sit down and talk about your thesis, is there? I’m incredibly curious about the research that you’ve been doing,” Claude continued after a short cough.

Byleth raised an eyebrow. “I have office hours and my email is on the course outline,” she replied flatly.

Claude laughed. “Yes, but your office hours will be filled with students with academic, course-related questions. Email, also, doesn’t have the same personal touch as a face-to-face conversation.”

Byleth sighed. “Look, Claude, I’m your TA, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

He held up his hands innocently. “I’ve just got questions about your Masters, surely that’s an innocent enough intention? What about Thursday afternoon at the coffee shop in the student centre?”

Byleth considered it for a moment. There was nothing in her contract that said she couldn’t get coffee with someone who was interested in her academic projects and if she managed to convince Claude to pursue a graduate degree in her field after graduation, she knew Seteth wouldn’t care about the nature of their conversation.

She sized up Claude and folded her arms. “I’ll meet you at Anna’s at 4 on Thursday,” she consented.

Claude’s smirk widened and he nodded. “I look forward to it, Teach.”

With one last cheeky wink, Claude strode away and headed for the door where his two friends had lingered, waiting for him. Byleth watched him for a moment before she resumed packing up her things. She slid her attendance sheet into her folder and placed it in her bag.

“Miss Eisner,” a new voice interrupted.

Byleth shook her head and looked up. “Byleth, please.”

Dimitri, standing in front of her desk, gave her a small smile. “Byleth,” he agreed. “I hope Claude wasn’t bothering you. He’s a strong personality.”

Byleth laughed lightly and smiled. “No, no, he was just asking about my area of study. I’m happy to talk about it. I wouldn’t be studying it if I wasn’t.”

Dimitri looked relieved. “That’s good to hear. You’re certainly interesting to listen to in tutorial. You know your stuff.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Admittedly, I’m feeling a bit out of my depth in this class.”

Byleth nodded. “That’s understandable, but really, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You’ve got some smart classmates, if today was any indication, and both Dr. Cichol and I have office hours reserved for this class section so feel free to come to either of us if you need anything.”

Dimitri nodded. “Yes, thank you very much.” Someone called his name from by the door and he turned to walk away, pausing once to give her a last goodbye.

Byleth pulled her bag up onto her shoulder and bit her lip. Dimitri and Claude and Edelgard were so familiar that it hurt her to think about them. Even so, she had a job to do and a meeting with Seteth to get to. She strode out of the classroom, fishing her tangled headphones out of her pocket.

- ~ -

Seteth placed a new folder on the desk between them, gesturing for her to take a look. Byleth slid it towards herself and opened it. It was a stack of about five pieces of paper and the first was an email between Seteth and the Fhirdiad National Museum of Unification that was set to sponsor the expedition below Garreg Mach.

Byleth scanned the email and grinned when she found the phrase she was looking for. “On behalf of the Board of Directors here at the museum, we consent to allow Miss Byleth Eisner a position on the Garreg Mach Research Team to assist with her academic development,” she read aloud.

Seteth was smiling. “Keep reading.”

“In the interest of the success of the dig, funding has also been secured for an additional team of researchers to join you on this endeavour. The idea is to have undergraduate students join you to develop practical archaeological skills.” Byleth stopped reading abruptly and looked up at Seteth. “Let me get this straight: you not only got approval for me to join, but now they want us to take on a group of undergrads?”

Seteth nodded, knitting his fingers together atop his desk. “I think this will be an interesting opportunity for them.” He reached for the file, pushing Byleth’s hands away and pulling the documentation back towards him. “The expedition is set to begin next year, in the Guardian Moon of the new semester. I was thinking that we would extend this opportunity to the students currently in Archaeology 356. That way we have a semester to evaluate the students so we can choose ones we think will be beneficial, not hindering, to the studies.”

Byleth nodded slowly. “Yeah, that makes sense. Still, this kind of opportunity for undergraduates means everyone will want in. I know I would have when I was in my third year.”

“I’m going to put an announcement up on my website about the opportunity and discuss it next class. I was hoping you would be able to design some kind of application form so that we can immediately narrow down our options.”

Byleth slid her laptop out of her bag and opened a blank document. “What kind of questions were you thinking for the application?”

Seteth pondered for a moment before he answered: “Ask about any experience they have, and how many prior archaeology or history credits they have. I would also like to know about their own interpretation of the Unification Era, since that’s what this is all about.”

“If I asked what they think is a major, lasting influence of the Unification Era on current Fódlani politics?”

Seteth smiled. “I like that.”

“How many students can we take?”

Seteth flipped through papers briefly to find the definite answer. “We can take ten, but that’s too many. I think eight is an appropriate number.”

Byleth noted that down and she tapped out a few more rough questions. “I assume we’ll do a vetting process with the written applications and then call the best candidates for interviews with the rest of our dig team, right?”

“Yes,” Seteth agreed. “It’s important that they meet and can get along with the rest of the team because they are an addition to the team that is meant to help their skills, not hinder the results of our expedition. Too many people have put too much effort into this for it to fail now.”

Byleth knew why Seteth was nervous because the last time someone had led a dig under the university, it had fallen apart just a few weeks after it began. Byleth paused and exhaled slowly. “Seteth, this might be overstepping, but I want to ask about my father.” Seteth tensed and Byleth swallowed her nervousness before continuing. “I know he was a part of the last research expedition to the underside of Garreg Mach five years ago. I know he pulled out of the project part-way through and that the project fell through after he withdrew. What are we going to find down there that caused my father to pull out so suddenly?”

Seteth stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Byleth, are you asking me if I know why your father was killed?”

“No,” she said firmly. “He was stabbed five years ago. That’s unrelated to his work. I’m asking you why the excavation couldn’t continue without my father.”

“I honestly don’t know,” Seteth admitted. “I wasn’t a member of that excavation team. It was led by a woman named Catherine Charon. Catherine cancelled further progress once your father withdrew his support. The excavation was privately funded by a private collector from Zanado and apparently the money stopped once your father left the project.”

Byleth frowned. “My father was a security contractor, not an archaeologist. His withdrawal from the project should have just meant that they brought on someone else, not that they cancelled the dig entirely.”

“I agree. It was something that I could never get Catherine to explain and she left the University that year before I could get a real answer out of her. Your father never liked to talk about it either, as I’m sure you know, and then he died just five months later.”

Byleth sighed. “I’ve been through the site notes and the inventory of every artifact recorded as recovered. There are no mentions of what caused him to pull out or anything that might lend to the private donor withdrawing their support or Dr. Charon calling off the project.”

Seteth studied her for a moment. “Does your interest in being part of this dig only have to do with your father?”

“No,” Byleth assured. “I’m interested in what we might be able to recover and how it can support my thesis, but I won’t say I’m not curious.”

She closed her laptop and stood up from the desk. She pulled her bag up and prepared to head out of Seteth’s office. “My father was a different man after that expedition than when he went into it. I do want to know why, and I don’t want that to happen to anyone else, either, if I can help it.”

- ~ - ~ - ~ -

Garreg Mach Monastery - 21 Red Wolf Moon, Unification Year

A knock at the door drew Byleth’s attention and she turned in her seat to look at the entrance to her room. It was one of the monastery’s monks who stood patiently in the doorway, waiting for permission to enter. Byleth waved her in and the monk bowed briefly before stepping in.

“Your Grace, I have received word from an advanced scout that His Majesty and the court will be arriving in the next few hours.”

Byleth smiled faintly. “Thank you, but please, I’m not the Archbishop yet, so Professor or Byleth is more than fine.”

The monk shook her head, but she was smiling as well. “With all due respect, you are ascending in rank tomorrow, Your Grace. You’ve been acting head of the church for several months as well.” She bowed briefly once more before leaving the room, leaving Byleth alone again.

Byleth sighed and stood from her desk, heading towards her balcony. She pushed open the doors and stepped outside. The stone was cold against her bare feet and the air was chilly enough that she instantly shivered. Byleth looked up at the clear blue sky and twisted the ring on her finger thoughtfully.

After the war had ended, Dimitri had stayed for a month of negotiations with the church and for his coronation before his council of advisors had finally managed to get him to return to Fhirdiad. Byleth missed him dearly–him and Felix and Sylvain and Ingrid and Dedue who had returned with him. Annette and Ashe had stayed at the monastery for another couple of weeks before they too left for the capital, leaving Byleth with only Mercedes, Flayn, Seteth, and the Knights of Seiros.

She and Dimitri had announced their engagement officially on the day of his coronation, but all of their close friends had known much before that point. It had been just over a month now, since all the former Blue Lions had been in one place and even though part of Byleth was dreading her formal ascension to the head of the church, she was grateful for the opportunity it offered to gather her friends and allies in one place.

Of course, there was also the wedding that would follow Byleth’s ascension. She and Dimitri had argued about the wedding for nearly two weeks since while they both wanted a smaller affair, Dimitri had been the only one willing to go through with a small event. Byleth knew that a private wedding would invite more scrutiny than the marriage of the church and the state already would. She also knew it would be important for Dimitri to use the wedding as a political event to continue to smooth relations with former Empire territories. Eventually, her argument had won out and they’d been thrown into planning the wedding of the century.

Byleth didn’t linger too long on the balcony. The chill was going to get to her and she really couldn’t afford to get sick with a few very important days ahead of her. She slipped back inside her chambers and moved to pull on a pair of slip-on shoes to chase away lingering chills. The ornate furniture and decorations in the room felt wrong to her. Three weeks after the war, Rhea had departed and Byleth had moved into the former archbishop’s chambers.

Byleth ran her hand along the top of the dresser near the balcony and frowned. Being in Rhea’s old room felt weird enough on its own, but the fact that Byleth had not gotten a moment alone with Rhea to ask about what Seteth had told her before the former archbishop had departed made her feel even more uncomfortable.

Seteth’s words, and their implications, weighed on her daily. She had not managed to get another candid conversation with her advisor since that day two months ago. Flayn too, seemed to be avoiding Byleth or only approaching her when there were other people around. Byleth pulled her hand off the dresser and touched it to the left side of her chest. As always, there was no heartbeat beneath her palm and she exhaled wearily.

Another sharp knock on the door caused Byleth to jolt upright and snap her hand back to her side. This intruder was a much more welcome sight than the monk who had interrupted her earlier.

“Mercedes!” Byleth exclaimed as her friend stepped into the room.

“Hello Professor!” Mercedes replied cheerfully. “You look lovely,” she complimented.

Byleth blinked and took in her own outfit. She was wearing one of the ceremonial dresses that had been commissioned for her, but it was nowhere near as high end as the dress she would be wearing for her ascension tomorrow. She smoothed her hands over the cream-coloured fabric and smiled softly.

“Thank you. What are you doing up here? I thought you were going to wait in the entrance hall for the others.”

Mercedes laughed. “Well, Professor, we sent someone up to let you know they were almost here, but you never reappeared, so I decided to come fetch you myself.”

“They’re almost here?” Byleth repeated. When the monk had mentioned that they would be arriving in a few hours, she had not been expecting their arrival in the next half hour.

Mercedes’s eyes were shining. “Their party had just been spotted entering the monastery grounds when I came up.”

- ~ -

Standing outside the main entrance of the monastery, Byleth felt like her blood was singing. The first few riders of the party had just crossed into the marketplace of the monastery and already two of the riders were breaking in her direction. Above them, a pegasus whinnied and descended.

Sylvain and Felix, the first two riders, dismounted and covered the remaining distance on foot. Ingrid barely managed to get herself off of her pegasus before she was also breaking towards Byleth and Mercedes. Felix reached her first and he paused, forcing himself into a stiff bow. Byleth rolled her eyes and pulled him into a hug. He didn’t reciprocate immediately, but he did pat her back after a moment.

As soon as she released Felix, Sylvain pulled her into a tight hug. Sylvain was wearing more armour than Felix so the hug felt stiffer, but he was warm and solid against her and Byleth drank in his familiarity. She pulled away from Sylvain and turned to hug Ingrid as well. After she had hugged the last of the trio, Byleth stepped back and smiled broadly.

“Welcome back,” she greeted.

Sylvain laughed. “Come on, Professor, we know we’re not the ones you really want to see.” He gestured behind him where the rest of the party was arriving including Ashe, Annette, Gustave, and Dedue.

Byleth’s breath caught as she recognized the rider at the front of the pack. He seemed to have noticed her as well, practically leaping off of his mount and jogging towards her. Byleth brushed past her former students to move towards him, nearly tripping on her dress as she descended the steps. He was in front of her before she could trip, his hands gripping her forearms as he stared at her face. A dazzling smile cracked across Dimitri’s expression and Byleth felt herself smile too.

“Hello, my beloved,” Dimitri greeted gently.

“I missed you,” Byleth said. She had intended for a more eloquent greeting, but her heart had won out and she had spoken the naked truth instead.

The life glimmering in Dimitri’s good eye softened and he bent his head, pressing his forehead to hers. “I missed you too, Byleth,” he murmured.

Byleth didn’t get to reply before he was kissing her. Her hands framed his face as she kissed him back fiercely, pouring a month’s worth of emotion into their reunion kiss. It wasn’t the most proper or befitting of greetings for two authority figures, but it was the genuine, real reaction of two young people in love who had nearly lost each other in a brutal 5-year war. Finally–and unfortunately–Byleth had to pull away, breathing hard.

She laughed when Dimitri didn’t let her pull far away and she felt her adoration for him cause tears to prickle at the corners of her eyes. She ran her thumb across his cheekbone and smiled warmly.

“I don’t know if that was the most proper greeting,” she teased.

Dimitri’s laugh rumbled in his chest. “A man can be excused for missing his fiancé,” Dimitri refuted and Byleth laughed again.

“Welcome back, my love,” she said quietly. “It’s good to see you.”

“And I am always glad to see you,” he replied. He looked past her towards the monastery where many of the clergy were gathered to watch his arrival. “I really have made a scene, haven’t I?”

Byleth slipped her hand into his and tugged him back towards the monastery. “Come on, I want to hear about Fhirdiad. I want to hear from all of you. Surely we can spare an afternoon in the Blue Lion’s classroom to reconnect?”

Dimitri followed her lead as they walked towards the monastery. “You’ll get no complaints from me on that, but won’t Seteth protest?”

Byleth huffed. “I am not Archbishop until tomorrow, but I do hope that he’ll allow me this time with my friends before I saddle myself with responsibility for the rest of my life.”

“I suppose I could busy myself with keeping our guests from Fhirdiad occupied,” Seteth admitted, catching the end of Byleth’s sentence as she and Dimitri rejoined the group gathered at the monastery’s entrance. “Your Majesty, it is nice to see you, as always,” her advisor added for pleasantness’s sake.

Byleth beamed and pulled Dimitri past Seteth heading into the monastery. Their friends, including the rest of the Blue Lions plus Flayn, followed them as Byleth led the way. Byleth watched her friends as they walked, noting who was talking to who and the expressions on faces.

Dedue was listening intently to Mercedes as she spoke softly, Ashe was chatting with Flayn, Annette seemed to be having some kind of minimal conversation with Felix, and Ingrid and Sylvain were conversing in light and teasing tones. Byleth smiled to herself as she watched them and tightened her grip on Dimitri’s hand unintentionally.

“You look satisfied, love, is there something you’d like to share?” Dimitri asked curiously.

Byleth laughed lightly. “I don’t want to scare this away,” she admitted, gently tilting her head in Felix and Annette’s direction. Felix’s ears were pink at the tips and Annette’s cheeks had a rosy glow.

“Ah,” Dimitri replied, his own lips twitching into a smile. “Well I could let it go, but I know Duke Fraldarius has been spending much more time in conversation with Baron Dominic.”

Byleth squeezed his hand. “I wonder why that could be,” she replied teasingly. “Perhaps the same reason why Ashe has been my best communicator with Brigid recently.”

“Or why the son of the esteemed Margrave Gautier has taken to spending his time split between his own lands and the lands of Count Galatea,” Dimitri replied, glancing over at his other childhood friends.

Byleth shook her head fondly. “I don’t think our wedding will be the only one in the future, my love.”

“No, I would be inclined to agree with you on that,” Dimitri hummed.

Finally, their little group reached the room that used to be the Blue Lion’s classroom. All of them stopped just outside the room as if none of them could make themselves set foot inside the room. After a moment of nothing, Byleth dropped Dimitri’s hand and stepped forward across the threshold.

The monastery’s reconstruction effort had obviously begun to move into areas like the classroom since all the furniture was righted and placed mostly back where it had been before the war. The bookshelves were emptier than they used to be, thanks to thieves, and Byleth’s blackboard that had been used for lectures was leaning in two large, broken pieces against the rear wall.

Byleth moved towards it like a magnet and ran her fingers across the still chalk-dusted surface with a wistful smile on her face.

“This place feels like it was frozen in time,” Sylvain said idly as he stepped in and moved towards the windows on the front wall.

Felix snorted. “I’m not sure that’s how I’d describe it.”

“You know, I don’t think I’ve been here since the war ended,” Ashe admitted.

Annette nodded. “Me either. I used to come here to work on things when everywhere else was crowded.”

“We’ve shared a lot of memories in this place,” Ingrid agreed. She walked curiously over to one of the bookshelves and pressed her fingers in the empty spaces between books.

“Will you get the Officer’s Academy up and running again, Professor?” Dedue asked after a moment.

Byleth blinked and she realized that she honestly hadn’t even considered it until that point. She had been focusing so much of her effort on unification campaigns and the physical and spiritual repairs to the church that she had almost forgotten it was once a school as well.

“I think we should try,” Dimitri answered for her. He stepped up next to Byleth and wrapped a warm arm around her waist. “So much good came out of this place.”

“I think it would be easy enough to convince my brother to divert some efforts into getting this place all fixed up,” Flayn said brightly. “As much as he tries to pretend, I know he has a soft spot for the Academy and for the Blue Lions House especially since you all did take me on as a student partway through the year.”

“We’d all have to get together more often in that case,” Mercedes said cheerfully. “An annual gathering to celebrate the new classes,” she suggested.

Sylvain chuckled, throwing an arm over Felix’s shoulder as he headed for the centre of the room. “I like that idea, Mercedes. It reminds us all of that fateful day we all took a chance to return here and we met up with our Professor and our Prince again.”

Dimitri tensed at her side, but Sylvain’s words held no malice and he relaxed after a moment. Slowly, the rest of the Blue Lions congregated at the front of the classroom. Annette and Mercedes had linked their arms while Sylvain had thrown his other arm over Ingrid’s shoulders as well. Ashe moved to stand between Ingrid and Annette, Dedue stood between Mercedes and Dimitri, and Flayn slipped in between Byleth and Felix.

In their odd, sort-of circle, Byleth felt a lump well up in her throat. She loved these people more than she knew she was capable of. The moment felt like it needed a toast of some sort to cement it, so Byleth swiped Dimitri’s flask from its position on his belt. Her fiancé made a noise of surprise, but Byleth just ignored him and raised the flask.

“To the best students I could have asked for and the best group of friends I could have ever needed.”

Smiles rippled around the room and Byleth took a swig from the flask, letting the hard liquor Dimitri was carrying burn down her throat as she swallowed. She handed the flask off to him and he took a sip before passing it off to Dedue. The flask made its way around the ring and everyone drank to differing successes (Ashe, Annette, and Flayn pulling strange faces while the rest managed to stomach it with little reaction and Sylvain even took two sips).

“Thank you, my friends,” Byleth continued as she received the flask back from Flayn. “I am so grateful you were all able to come to support me in this endeavour. Your support means so much.”

“Of course, Professor,” Ingrid replied gently. “You believed in us when no one else did so it was only fair that we did the same.”

“Besides,” Dimitri continued, “my rule is nothing without the support of the Church of Seiros.”

Byleth rolled her eyes and elbowed him, but he just tightened his grip on her waist and leaned down to kiss her temple. She smiled.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Catch and Release” | Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter, Cinematography by David Klein

A lot of Homeland, especially in the last few seasons with its focus on American politics, is about power: who has it, who wants it, and who can take it away. In many scenes, we can interpret the power balance based on how characters are filmed or placed relative to each other (for example, President Keane was often shot from below, as if she was towering over us). 

Likewise, the show devoted a lot of exposition to the fact that Carrie and G’ulom had a good working relationship based on similar goals back when she was the Kabul station chief. We can see the visual evidence of it here. They sit opposite each other, on equal ground. They’re even in similar positions, leaning forward, elbows on knees. The framing here is actually ironic given that, as Carrie says later, G’ulom basically laughs her out of his office. But given what transpires between them later, we think the visual cues this framing offers are intended more to establish the dynamic of this relationship for the remainder of the season. 

The production of season eight was split between Morocco and Los Angeles. The scenes of Max and his Marine buddies were all shot in LA. The filter here--sort of blueish grey--is incredibly distracting and very odd. The lighting on Max here is also interesting: he’s half in the light, half in the dark.

That said, we can get past it for this scene alone, where, one by one, each of the soldiers pat him on the head (for luck, seemingly) and call him “Maxie.”  

We have another shot from behind Saul’s shoulder, the background out of focus. Again, we’re not sure what this means yet. It could be a visual motif Lesli Linka Glatter chose to string throughout her first two episodes of the season, or it could be something more symbolic, as we suggested last week: Saul is aging, out of touch, relegated to a role as observer. In the past he’s had a bigger plan at play, sometimes one that neither the audience nor Carrie was aware of. Now, he seems to be losing at his own game. By the end of the episode, his glasses are gone and his Plan A may be as well.

This scene and the slow procession of prisoners from out of the airplane is eerily reminiscent of the prisoner exchange in season four, down to all wearing the exact same color and cut of orange jumpsuit.

This time, of course, the exchange goes exactly to plan. The choice to conduct the exchange under cover of darkness, while Tasneem remains figuratively in the dark as well (temporarily at least), suggests Saul and Co. have learned from past mistakes.

Sara loves Carrie’s scenes with Jenna for all the reasons we’ve already stated, but in particular for this moment. Whatever this facial expression is, it feels strangely new. After seven seasons, it feels like we’ve seen every range and type of emotion Carrie has. But this! This actually does look like something we’ve never seen before, and it’s exciting to see Claire render that. As for what the emotion is, we’re going for “I don’t trust you but I’m trying to decide how much to let on that I don’t trust you.” 

IJLTP. 

Gail has actual analysis: Tasneem was shot at a similar distance in the last episode while smoking, and it’s interesting to see that same shot applied here to Samira. Samira is looking down, somehow somber. Meanwhile Tasneem was calm (wearing blue), calculating, and looking powerfully into medium distance. Both women hold an incredible amount of power: one who weaponizes it and one who is trying to learn how.

The color palette of Jenna’s and Samira’s outfits here is identical, which seems very intentional. What that means, we’re not sure, but it does look like Samira may be in a few more episodes this season, so we’ll see how/if thekr relationship evolves.

We need to note as well that Jenna is dressed almost exactly like Carrie was the day before, but with a red top instead of blue. Is Jenna mirroring Carrie or is this just the female CIA officer’s default uniform? (Your guess is as good as ours.)

The shot of Carrie from outside the car window comes earlier in the episode but we chose to feature it by a nearly identical one of Saul here. Last week we discussed how a similar image represented a trapped, cornered Carrie. This week, the purpose instead seems to be to draw a line between Carrie and Saul, mirrors of each other. Carrie is on the left beside Jenna, Saul on the right beside Haqqani’s cousin. Both are forced to work with people they don’t trust to complete a mission. 

Saul actually steps into Carrie’s shoes by arranging the meeting with Haqqani, dangerously entering the field for what feels like the first time in many years. The contrast in their expression is notable, too. Saul looks hopefully upward. Carrie stares straight ahead, tense, focused, stewing in her initial failure with G’ulom.  

The producers have talked at length about how the final season is about completing the story of Carrie and Saul’s relationship, so we anticipate more imagery in this vein as the season progresses. 

IJLTP.

Saul waiting alone on the rooftop in Peshawar reminded us heavily of the rooftop scenes in “Beirut Is Back.” Again, more Carrie mirroring.  

Tasneem looks like a fuckin’ B O S S. Everything here is amazing. We have to stan. 

This image of Saul waiting on the rooftop was particularly provocative. He waits and watches, surrounded by garbage and other discarded objects. 

We actually didn’t notice this Max potato head at first. Give the props department an Emmy and put this in the Louvre.

We loved this sequence of the Peshawar street growing gradually quieter as Saul realized what was about to happen (Sean Callery’s score only adds to the eeriness). Some of the most iconic Homeland scenes are about dread and some looming, inevitable tragedy. In this case, the build-up is more excruciating than the moment where the shots are actually fired. 

The shift in Carrie’s demeanor after she successfully leverages G’ulom is palpable. She’s stomping through the Kabul streets like she absolutely owns the place. This sequence gives us shades of The Drone Queen (the person and the episode) and even calls back to the beginning of the season four premiere, when she’s also flanked by two guards while walking through Kabul. 

Costa Ronin is a tall man, but this shot from Carrie’s perspective shows Yevgeny looming large over her, nearly taking up the entire screen, all she sees. 

On a less serious note, we will never stop wondering how Costa Ronin became so hot. We remain convinced that he is being framed as a romantic lead. This little smirky thing? What is this????

IJLTP.

Admittedly, this is a fantastic ending (Sara: “how could Saul getting hit in the face not be?”), and Saul’s disbelieving, relieved smile harkens back to his at the end of “The Choice.” Then, he was thanking God that Carrie was alive. Now, it’s the leader of the Taliban. Perspective is everything. But my, how the mighty have fallen. 

[michael-radi-the-glamorous-life]

There Must Be More

“…than this Provincial life!”

Sorry, I just needed to have my Belle moment. That’s totally not what this post is about. I just adore that score.

Onward!

Over the past week I saw 3 shows - 2 Broadway and 1 Off-Broadway.

These shows were (in the order I saw them):

Scotland, PA

The Inheritance Part 1

Tootsie

Now, regardless of how I felt about each of these shows, or how much I did or did not enjoy them individually, they all had something in common per my experience in watching them.

At one point (at least) in every one of these shows I had the thought: “…But must we? This again? Isn’t there more out there? There must be more.”

Allow me to explain.

Enjoyment vs Analysis

Just a quick side note before I dive in.

I think it’s important here to know that I do not think that enjoyment and criticism are mutually exclusive. In fact, I personally believe they go hand in hand.

When someone asks why you didn’t enjoy something, most people are ready with their criticisms handy to defend their positions. But when someone asks me why I did enjoy something, I feel the same way. I like to know why I enjoyed it and be able to explain that to people.

And nothing is perfect. Nor is it a requirement to explain your likes and dislikes. But for me, enjoying something - or even loving something - does not mean that I find it to be perfect or above criticism.

I adore Back To The Future. One of my favorites growing up. But the movie’s got issues, both artistically and socially issues (ie soooo, we’re saying a white man invented rock’n’roll???).

Anywho. Onward!

Blindingly White

Okay. I know. I’m aware.

Most of the writing spaces and head artistic positions for Broadway and Off-Broadway shows are occupied by men. Generally white men. Generally cis, white men. Often even straight, cis, white men.

But in the world we are living in today, does that fact need to translate directly into the stories being told on the stage? At the very least, does it need to feature as prominently across the shows listed in the back of the Playbill as it currently does?

All three shows I just saw focused on cis, white men. And for two of them it was straight, cis, white men.

Now, is this necessarily a problem? No, not necessaaaaarily. But it says something. Actually, it says a lot of things.

Especially considering that the 2 shows featuring straight men were specifically about under-achieving straight, cis, white men who learned relatively shallow lessons and didn’t really end up changing - a genre that has filled our canons of literature, theatre, film, and TV for a very very long time.

Let’s be more specific.

Scotland, PA

A musical parody adapted from a movie parody of Macbeth.

Main character - Straight, cis, white man.

The guy is an under-achiever according to his wife, even though he’s happy with the life they have and it’s also clear he has aspirations for more, if the opportunity were to present itself.

The wife is played by a black woman and, similar to the Shakespeare play, she exists mostly to prop up the ambitions (or lack thereof) of her husband - even though she is the one who actually wants more and has the stomach to chase after it.

And then she’s scapegoated.

And goes insane. And regrets everything, but isn’t given the capacity to fulfill that character arc. So she must die instead. Of course.

“Classic women, am I right?!”

No. You are not.

So, as this man rises and takes more we are meant to root for him, even though we know he’s doing terrible things. But why? Why this story? Why this story again? Why this story again now without some sizable changes for more relevance? Is it really that interesting today?

It’s not a bad story - it wouldn’t endure otherwise - but there must be more.

The Inheritance Part 1

Full disclaimer: I loved it. I wept. I think it’s doing great work for this generation.

Main characters - All gay, cis, white men. And there are up to 6 main characters in this first part, depending on how you classify the term main character, and all of them fall into this category.

Now, this show is really about interpersonal struggles and relationships, and how that echoes across generations - particularly for the marginalized group that is gay men. It’s also a story about growth, change, hardship, and love. I really do think this play is doing beautiful work.

The remainder of the non-main character cast is mostly non-white, which is really awesome to see. However, so far in this play, the conversation amongst all of these people and characters is about the lives, stories, and struggles of the gay community as seen through white gay male eyes and experiences.

There are black and Latino characters on that stage, but we aren’t even touching their extra layers of struggle and experience. Meanwhile, the play is discussing the future of gay men and where they are potentially headed, as a group with its own vibrant culture. A culture that they even acknowledge to come from appropriations from the drag community, which appropriated from the ballroom community, which consists almost entirely of queer men of color.

This seems like a pretty sizable issue.

The play is focused on worries of continued and intensified marginalization, but it simultaneously has left out a gigantic piece of the conversation about marginalization by leaving out the additional layers of struggle for non-white gay men.

And this is not even to mention that - although other letter of the LGBTQ+ world are mentioned - the focus is entirely on gay men. What about the rest of the community? Isn’t it all the same history? The same inheritance?

Gay men can claim Stonewall all they want (and they do), but transwomen of color threw those bricks.

Gay men can claim the AIDS epidemic, but the affects of that disease were highly striated amongst sub-groups and especially men of color.

I loved this play. I cannot wait for Part 2. But I just kept thinking, “there’s more here.”

There must be more.

Tootsie

Okay, let’s do it. Let’s talk Tootsie.

I’m not going to go too in-depth here, mostly because there is a lot about this show that is well-crafted and plenty of people are enjoying it. And perhaps, for some people in these audiences, this show really does push the envelop in their minds. But we do have to say it…

This show probably should not exist. Not today, anyway.

Main character - Straight, cis, white man who pretends to be a straight, cis, white woman to book a job.

This man is apparently (objectively) talented too, which means he has many a leg-up in the world in comparison to the majority of people around him.

So, what’s keeping him from getting work?

He’s an angry and uncontrolled human who acts out and gets fired, which means he doesn’t retain contacts from his jobs since he burns bridges. And…

He’s getting older. (Like, 40? Is this one really a problem for men in the business? I remain unconvinced.)

Now, here are some merits about this story (stick with me):

A story of a straight, cis, white man who ruins his own chances at a steady and productive life because of his anger…this is relevant. This is extremely relevant. And if the show were about that particular person, their growth, and their personal journey to leave that toxicity behind, well, then we might have a good story here that is relevant to today.

His alter ego - for she does seem to be a character unto herself and completely disassociated from her male counterpart - Dorothy is actually quite a badass woman. She fights against sexism and ageism in a world rampant with it. And if this were a story about an actual woman fighting for these things in this world, this would be an excellent and relevant story.

But alas, this show is ultimately neither of these things.

Here’s what it actually contains:

The man learns lessons - but not enough.

He changes - but does he?

His alter ego is wonderful - but she doesn’t exist.

There’s a fight for and positive messages for women and feminism - but it’s led entirely by a man in a dress.

There’s a fight against ageism - but led by a man, and men don’t seem affected by this in the capacity that women are.

And not to mention the fact that there are some really cringy moments in this show that parade as feminism, ageism, and trans-positive moments, which really aren’t any of those things. Instead, they are part of a plot for this out-of-work man to get - and then retain - his job.

Is this show moving us backward? I don’t think it is. It could have become that, but it didn’t. And for that fact - adapting from a source material “of a different time” - I will tip my hat.

But is it moving us forward? Nope. Not at all. Not in the least.

So, I again ask: “Why this story? Why now? Is there really not more???”

There must be more.

There Is More

Okay, there is. So much more.

But it’s not being put out there into the commercial consciousness. And when it is, it’s not happening fast enough or as prevalently as it needs to.

And I don’t mean to rail against these particular shows - they had the bad luck of being the 3 newer shows that I happened to see within the same 4 days.

There are plenty of positives for them as well:

Scotland, PA had some awesome music.

The Inheritance Part 1 is beautiful and saying some very important things.

Tootsie made me laugh more than most musicals ever do.

But there is still more.

And we need to find it and put it out there. We need to continue moving forward and stop treading water. Let’s celebrate more people - other people.

There are countless good stories to tell, so let’s find them and tell them to the world with the prevalence that has been given to white men. We can, we should, and we will.

[withlovefromlina-blog]

Analysis Paralysis

Analysis Paralysis: the catch phrase of the century in modern self improvement literature, corporate jargon, and well..my world in terms of writing.

I’ve wanted to write. I’ve wanted to for a long time. 

I used to write short stories and poems in my early teens, and then didn’t really write again until my mid twenties. Although, at this point I was writing corporate emails, technical documentation, and performance reviews. Regardless, I did it with the same conviction I feel I would have if I was writing the first draft of a novel. 

Years later in my early thirties I was feeling slightly burnt out in the IT/Finance world and feeling the need to scratch a creative itch. This materialized into a very detailed five year plan to go back to school and get my arts degree. Well, needless to say I didn’t in fact get my arts degree, but I did start going to night school while continuing to pay my mortgage with my day job. I took English classes and Anthropology and it was all reading and writing. I loved it. My desire for writing had once again been sparked.

But many things, including my own voice, stopped me from doing anything about it. Especially once I started looking into the world of blogging as a way to start writing. May I quickly clarify that there is no golden rule stating that’s where you need to start writing, but I did indeed think it’s where I wanted to start - with a good old blog. 

Also, being the leader of the Capricorn pack of perfection, I felt that first  needed to know everything about everything on the topic, have a following, have a professional website, the list went on. So it wasn’t even just about the writing part. It was everything else like how to make people read you, like you or how monetize your writing in some way. It’s exhausting when you get into all of it. But to me it also seemed to come across as forced and fake in some way.

Like how to portray yourself and your brand or words in a way that is proven worthy. Which leaves me wondering what that makes me if I’m not following the tried and true path, this method laid out by these successful bloggers. Who knows, maybe one day that will become the focus and I can revisit all the blog gurus out there, but for now let’s just write, right?

I’ve been stuck to be honest at step one. What is your blog about? What is your message? I thought I knew, and I started writing for fun before getting caught up in webinars about how to live your best life on a beach with a laptop. And then all the other stuff above came howling in louder than anything, so I remained stuck at step one. 

They say you should start with a specific topic, get a niche audience ear on your side. So I thought I hit the spot one day when it struck me that of course, my blog would revolve around Psoriasis and how it’s impacted my life for the last 20 years. But I didn’t really want to write about Psoriasis.

And I didn’t only want to write about the other topics I brainstormed I figured I knew something about like travel, travel tips, cooking, being on again off again vegan, relationships, dating, love, heartbreak, career, finding your purpose, the list went on.

I couldn’t settle on any specific topic, because I am them all, and I wanted to include them all. But I was worried I wouldn’t please the largest group of people, or any people. Because ‘they’ made it very clear your blog is not about you, it’s about your readers. But I wanted to write for me..are you feeling my sense of fluster?

Then one early morning at one of my sisters 6am-kick-your-booty-AIR-workout-classes, I was reminded of one very true fact. A dedicated 6-am-er client of hers was discussing the change of schedule, and commented on Kerri’s concern of not meeting all clients class time requests, by saying ‘You’re not going to please everyone Kerri!” And ain’t that the truth.

Similarly, I am reminded of one of Matthew Hussey’s many sentiments on dating, suggesting that you are not going to be for everyone, just like everyone is not going to be for you. But we are so egotistical on this topic that of course we do feel like everyone should be into us even though not everyone is going to be good enough for us (eye roll emoji). How ridiculous and narcissistic! 

So yes, we cannot please everyone, and for a people pleaser like me that’s a hard pill to swallow when it comes to writing. As a result it put me in a paralyzed state for a long time before I could put something out there. Liz Gilbert, I read you, I hear you, and I was really trying my best to start and just do it. It took some time, but here I am.

Whatever it is you might want to try your hand at, take your time, but minimize the noise and try to listen to yourself first. It’s not about perfection, it’s about doing something and moving forward in a positive direction that serves a positive purpose - this is a reminder that I need to give myself daily. So tell yourself what you need to, and then be sure to walk your talk.

As always, written With Love from Lina

[qamorfakemon]

Hmm well this is... different? It appears to be some kind of newspaper currently in circulation in the Qamor region, “Estrella News”

It’s slightly outdated by the looks of it tho. In fact, it appears the event this article is reporting on actually occurred a few years ago!

Entire transcript of article under cut. I wonder what it’s alluding at...?

QAMOR SKY OPENS UP

Gabbravo City in Panic as Mysterious Rift Lights up Sky

The day started out like any other in the free spirited-capital city of Qamor. Bright blue skies, Pokémon trainers battled, and tourists enjoyed Gabbravo City’s many attractions. However, in almost an instant the peaceful illusion of the fine day were ripped apart in an event felt throughout the entire region. Before our very eyes, a bright light appeared in the city’s busiest cross section, initially causing confusion and surprising passerby’s and motorists. “At first, I thought it was lightning” said one commentator. “But then I realized there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, so it couldn’t have been that!” For a while, the light just hung in the sky oddly warping and rippling the air around it, then in an instant the sky ripped open in a burst of energy that shook trees and shuddered windows. At least 20 ft in diameter, this enormous gap in space-time pulsed and sparks with brilliant colors; it was a completely otherworldly sight. At this point the civilians around flew into an outright panic, this was an event no one in the Qamor region had ever encountered and were all understandably sent into a frenzy. For its entire 20 minute duration, news of the event spread from word of mouth and via social media. Not only was every corner of Qamor privy to the situation, but word started spreading to other regions of the world.  Before us reporters knew it, Internation Police made it on the scene elevating the police department’s duty (Although this reporter would like to say that the police were just as scared and confused as the civilians). Quarantining the area, Interpol kept us members of the press and civilians alike away from a safe distance to the rift, however they would not answer any questions we had in regards to the situation. It WAS a very tense situation, to say the least, but tensions escalated within the final minutes of the rift’s existence. In an intense pulse of energy,  some kind of “Unidentified Being” (Or a “UB” as Qamor’s very own Professor Leo, leading researcher into Paranormal and Extraterrestrial activity sciences, informed as the official classification for a Pokémon or Pokémon-like creature from unknown origin) appeared from the rift and flew away in an undisclosed location. Many first hand statements regarding the UB are very inconsistent. The air around the creature, or possibly even space time itself, was heavily distorted and neither satisfactory footage nor reliable firsthand accounts were retrieved. As if things could not get more bizarre, as the rift began to stutter and fizzle for the final time, 2 objects were launched from its epicenter as it dissipated into nothingness with one last pulse of energy. The objects hit the ground hard, enough to crack the pavement as well, however from all outside view they seemed to remain mostly undamaged. Unlike the UB, we were able to snap a few photos of these anomalies, however Interpol intervened and  attempted to stop us reporters from getting anything better than the out of focus image we displayed in this very article. As quickly as the International Police appeared, they seemingly vanished in an instant with all evidence from the wormhole taken in for analysis. Police were informed to keep the area blocked off to civilians until further notice, but we were able to interview multiple experts who arrived on the scene when this event hit international news.

(Pictured: International Police agents appear on the scene investigating mysterious objects that fell from sky rift [enhanced])

Us at Estrella News were fortunate enough to be able to talk with some representatives from the Aether Foundation, a self-funded organization that seeks to promote wildlife conservation and Pokémon research, and its associate Professor Burnet, lead scientist studying alternate dimensions in Dream Radar Labs (Both situated in the Alola region). According to these researchers, what occurred today in Qamor is a relatively common anomaly in Alola knows as an “Ultra Wormhole”. According to Professor Burnet, who works closely with the Aether Foundation to investigate and record these events, Ultra Wormholes are “Bridges in Space Time” that allows matter to cross from our dimension to a conceptual location known as “Ultra Space”, and vice versa. “Ultra Space,” Professor Burnet explains “Is a theoretical ‘dimension between dimensions’. Not much is known about it now, but via Ultra wormholes object, beings, or even People are able to cross vast distances from other points of Space and Time into our own or other dimensions. It’s very complex and metaphysical, but the best way I could explain it is if you think of our universe and other universes as separate, divided bodies of water. Ultra Space is like a canal system that connects and weaves between all bodies, acting as a sort of web. Where the canals meet a body of water, however, is a gate that keeps everything in and out of that respective body. These gates act as Ultra Wormholes, and it requires an immense amount of energy to open it up, but if you were able to you would have access to the entirety of the canal system and in return access to any other body of water- given you also had the energy capable of open THOSE gates that is”. If this information confuses or even alarms you dear readers, have comfort that you are not alone!  “Of course, this is all just very theoretical at this point” Reassured the Professor. “Our concepts and understanding of Ultra Space might definitely change in the future as we come to understand it and Ultra Holes better. After all, only a handful of people have ever actually travelled through one-“ Professor Burnet cut off here as if catching herself revealing too much information. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I respect my colleague’s privacy, and I wouldn’t want to disclose any classified information”. We respected Professor Burnet’s wishes and avoided further question, but we did ask her if she had any additional information she would like to or was able to share about the situation. “I would say trust the International Police to get this whole situation figured out. They are very reliable and competent from my experiences in Ultra Wormhole accidents in Alola” We thanked the professor for her time and allowed her to discuss the situation and share data further with Professor Leo.

(Pictured: Aether Foundation Branch Chief Faba (left) - Dream Radar Lead Scientist Professor Burnet (middle) - Qamor’s Official Expert on Extraterrestrial and Paranormal Activity Analysis Professor Leo (right) )

It was at this point that Aether Foundation Branch Chief Faba approached our unprepared reporter and began his interview unprompted, below is the transcript of the discussion

Faba: Yes I am now available for an interview; I will graciously answer any questions you have in regards to the Ultra Worm-Hole.

Reporter: I’m sorry? Who Are you?

Faba: Why, I’m Branch Chief Faba. Representative of the Aether Foundation and here in place of President Lusamine. I would have suspected any information would be appreciated, I consider it a selfless act in the name of freedom of circulation of intelligence.

Reporter: O-of course! The Aether foundation! We at Estrella News would absolutely appreciate your input!

Faba: Of course you would, the information I hold is vital to your research, I expect.

Reporter: Uhh… ok. So first I would like to know how closely you at the Aether Foundation work with Professor Burnet in studying these Ultra Wormholes she mentioned.

Faba: Oh of course, the Professor. Unfortunately, she collaborates with other members of our Foundation, including the Mistress herself. I am uncertain of the specifics of her research, but I can discuss my many accomplishments as Branch Chief!

Reporter: Well, what are your duties in the Foundation?

Faba: Oh? I’m sorry, most of my work is very imperative to the organization and confidential, the research I do is not yet ready to be released to the public. Without a doubt my many, many breakthroughs as Branch Chief would shake the scientific community to its core.

Reporter: I’m sorry, but you were the one who brought it up.

Faba: Apology Accepted.

Reporter:… Well, is there ANYTHING you can discuss about your work.

Faba: Yes, I can discuss the nature of Ultra Wormholes that I have discovered under the foundation.

Reporter: (Finally, something informative) Ok Branch Chief* Faba, Professor Burnet explained thoroughly what Ultra Wormholes are and how they function, what can you say about Ultra Wormholes in Alola.

Faba: Yes I overheard your discussion with the Professor, I was disappointed to say the least. I was looking forward to enlightening the reader with my accurate research explaining the nature of this phenomenon. (Sigh), but I suppose there are more reporters I can discuss it with.

Recently, Ultra Wormholes have only made appearances in the controlled environments of our laboratories. They are unfortunately very short lived, and MUCH smaller than the one that appeared over your quaint region.

Reporter: you’ve really been able to recreate them in a lab? That’s impressive, but isn’t it dangerous?

Faba: Your compliment is acknowledged. And to put your worries to rest, we have only had a single incident regarding our synthetic Ultra Wormholes in the entirety that we have produced them in a lab, I consider this an accomplishment! I am however not at liberty to discuss the specifics of this incident, of course.

Reporter: Of course.

Faba: Ultra Wormholes have occurred and appeared frequently throughout Alola’s history, an interesting phenomenon indeed. They even appear in murals and cave paintings by the ancient Alola people, I wonder how they managed when all those creatures came out and destroyed the land with their many battled against the fabled Island Gaurdians.

Reporter: Speaking of creatures coming out of the the Ultra Wormholes, can you discuss anything about them? Should we be worried if one managed to escape and is now wondering around the Qamor region?

Faba: Oh unfortunately the nature of UB’s is one of the confidential information we are researching at the Aether Foundation. Besides, this is really the Mistress’s realm of expertise. I would almost go as far to say she’s even obsessed with these creatures, but of course I won’t because my opinion of her is too high to even suggest such a thing.

Reporter: Of course it is.

Faba: I can discuss, however, that your concern for these creatures will not be needed in the near future of course. Oh ho! One of my most anticipated experiments will come to light soon that will deal with any Ultra-Terrestrial threats!

Reporter:  I’m assuming you can’t discuss it further, so we can move on.

Faba: I’m sorry but that’s all the time I will permit you to this interview.

Reporter:  Wait I still have more questions regarding the Foundation and your president-

Faba: I am a very busy man and there are many other reporters I need to discuss with, of course you understand. I, Branch Chief Faba, am a very irreplaceable and important member of the foundation; I am one of a kind in the entire world! As such, everyone wants a fraction of my time. It would be absurd to allow just one source to have my very crucial information. If you have any further questions regarding my duties as a high ranking administrator, visit my blog and read about my secret to success.

               Branch Chief Faba then left our reporter and into the crowd.

*The Reporter accidentally referred to Branch Chief Faba as “Mr Faba” and, after a lengthy tirade of respecting proper authority ranking, and requested all references of himself to specify his position as Branch Chief

               Unfortunately, we were not able to obtain an interview from Professor Leo at this time, however she announced a press conference later this week discussion her findings and the findings of other scientists and researching she collaborated with on scene. It’s been a very hectic few days, and as of publishing this issue of Estrella News Interpol has yet to come forward to directly address the public. Many of the big named researchers have left with all the information they needed, leaving just a few stragglers in the wake. The Gabbravo police department have informed the public that the blocked off cross section will be reopened within the week, suggesting a gradual but eventual return to normalcy.  This event has left us all shaken, and threat of the mysterious UB and its whereabouts linger over our head. Our humble region in the international spotlight, however, we are a resilient people. When we live in a wonderful world inhabited by Pokémon, some craziness is just to be expected- and in some cases welcomed.

[theoptimisticpatriot]

A fractured Union

Prof Michael Keating’s new book State and Nation in the United Kingdom was published on 9th April. I was invited to make some remarks at a pre-publication discussion at the PSA’s annual conference in March 2021. I focussed on what Michael describes as the ‘loss of the polyvalent union’.

I understand the idea of a polyvalent union as one in which different conceptions of the union could co-exist, in tension but relatively successfully, for many years. England might imagine the union to be the extension and expression of its interests, while Scotland could be confident that the union recognised and respected its distinct nationhood. I’ll argue that the decline of this sophisticated, nuanced, knowingly asymmetric approach to the union was as British politics — a politics that was recognised across the island of Britain — came to an end. While things have come to a head in the past decade or so, the end of British politics was probably inevitable once challenges to the central union state began to be framed as national aspirations from the 1960s onwards.

Although the end British politics may have been inevitable, the particular way it happened stems from the mistaken belief of New Labour (the government of which I was part) that it was possible both to satisfy national aspirations in Scotland and Wales and to leave the governance of the union and of England unchanged.

By the end of British politics, I mean the idea that politics is primarily played out between British political parties contesting the same issues across all the mainland nations. Some parties may have been stronger in one place than another, but it was still a British politics.

2005 was the last election in which one party won in all three mainland nations. In the last three, each nation has been contested by different parties, and different parties have won. Elections to devolved assemblies have reinforced the differences. (Of course it must be acknowledged that the extent of the collapse of British politics amongst the electorate has been exaggerated by the FPTP electoral system. First past the post both gives Conservatism a dominance it does not deserve in England and underplays the support for both the Conservatives and Labour in Scotland.)

It is true that the 1980s were dominated by a Conservative government very largely elected in England. But, at the time, this didn’t seem to challenge the idea of British politics. Scotland and Wales had no democratic national institutions. Labour dominated Welsh and Scottish Westminster representation and, as the second largest party in England was clearly a Britain-wide opposition. It could aspire to win in England and form a UK government, as it duly did.

But in the 1980s many Scottish Labour politicians like Gordon Brown reframed Scottish Labour politics as one of national aspiration, rather than class and capitalism as an earlier Labour might have done. The problem was not the devolution that Labour introduced — this was almost certainly inevitable in one way or another — but the idea that an unreformed British state could be maintained to govern both the union and England. (The other flaw in the plan was that having fostered the sovereign right of the Scottish people to decide how they wished to be governed, Labour neglected to imagine that they might do so by rejecting Labour itself).

As the SNP rose, Labour collapsed and the Scottish Conservatives remained weak, British politics was over. Wales is not as starkly different in its Westminster representation, perhaps, but its post devolution politics is a much more distinct political space than it was in 1997. Support for independence is at record levels, particularly amongst young people.

Polyvalent unionism could prosper when England’s Anglo-centric view of the union afforded sufficient space to the contesting view of the union held in Wales and Scotland. The combination of devolution and the collapse of British politics has thrust England’s size and weight to the forefront. This has created — or at least made far more obvious — the asymmetry of a Conservative union government that rests on English support, carries little legitimacy in the devolved nations, and which on all domestic policy is solely focussed on the government of England. It has made Anglo-centric British unionism the unchallenged and narrow unionism we see today.

Despite the efforts of some Scottish conservatives, we see this in everything from the flag branding — the idea that British national identity can trump all others — to the willingness to put England’s interest in Brexit ahead of the interests of Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales in their membership of the union. It ignores the evidence that being British is neither the dominant identity in any part of the union, nor does it carry the same meaning in each part of the union.

The recent report from Lord Dunlop has some sensible suggestions on intra-union cooperation and coordination, but the underlying thinking is still that the union would be more popular if it were explained better and there were more cheques with union jacks on the back.

The problem is exacerbated by the continuing adherence of UK Labour (in practice the name given to Labour in England) to an Anglo-centric British unionism. This leaves the party without a coherent understanding of the union and in a position where it rarely defends its own devolutionary history. In major speech on the union in December 2020 Keir Starmer did not mention Wales nor that fact that Wales had a Labour first minister. His exclusive use of the union flag to denote patriotism is not so different all those flags in Conservative ministers’ homes. The party does not engage with how England is governed and will not mention England even when talking only about England.

In Scotland, Labour wants to be the best party to represent Scotland within the union whilst seeking some form of devo-max with spending and welfare underwritten by England’s union state. That sounds rather like what it did 20 years ago but more of it. Welsh Labour has been clearest in warning that the union will only continue if it can be reformed.

If there is any merit in my analysis, what are the chances of a more subtle unionism returning?

The preconditions would seem to be a return to a form of recognisable British politics.

Perhaps the SNP will have Parti Quebecois moment — the PQ declined markedly having narrowly missed its target of independence — if it fails to deliver independence, and Labour rather than another party fills the gap. Those are two very big ‘if’s’

A more proportional electoral system for Westminster would give a more accurate picture of the support for major parties across the union and re-establish some sense of Britain wide politics. However, as none of the major parties would long survive the political fragmentation that would follow it’s not clear who has an incentive to put it forward. But why would the Conservatives change an electoral system that delivers union power to them? It looks a better bet for Labour, and many of its members support it, but it might also shatter Labour’s tense coalition into several different parties.

The establishment of a distinct machinery of government for England, perhaps with a dual mandate, would go some way to breaking the equation of the union with England, and require mechanisms to bring England’s relationship with the rest of the union into the open. England’s size and relative financial will always give it the whip hand, but a more consensual and consultative approach could meet the needs of all parts of the union better.

The ideological dominance of Anglo-centric British nationalism makes it hard for either party to contemplate delineating England’s government from that of the union. Both persist in the illusion that giving more powers to Mayor Andy Burnham in Manchester or Mayor Andy Street in Birmingham resolves the entirely different issue of England’s government by the union state.

It is easier to think of reforms that might offer revive the older unionism a new future than the political circumstances in which they come about. If any union has a future, it probably cannot be the return of the old via a revitalised British politics, but it’s refashioning as new relationship between the different parts of the union.

We are left with the uncertain power of a crisis: if the union looks all but lost; if the next election produces a UK majority for a group of parties but no English majority; if the vague rumblings of English regional discontent turn into a coherent clamour for change in England’s governance and funding.

By the time the depth of the crisis is deep enough to force change it may be too late to bring about change.

[centaurianthropology]

The Magnus Archives ‘A Guest for Mr Spider’ (S03E01) Analysis

After hyperventilating for a while, because IT’S HEEEERE, I got down to listening to the first episode of season 3, and … well, it wasn’t what I had expected, but it was an absolutely fascinating contextualization of a character we’ve known for a while, and also sets the scene for what we might expect going forward in season 3.  Come on in to hear what I thought about …

 The statement of Jonathan Sims, former Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, regarding a childhood encounter with a book once possessed by Jurgen Leitner.

Hooooo … this is going to be a pretty long post, because we have A LOT to get through.  This episode was exposition-rich without feeling like an info dump, which is a credit to Jonny Sims’ writing.  We got really surprising amounts of information about Sims as a character and about what brought him to the Institute.  But we also got some discussion of recent events as well, from a Sims who seems perhaps a week out from the events of the finale.  

First, we got confirmation for something I had suspected throughout season 2: a lot of Sims’ paranoia was induced by the Not-Them.  But then again, while Sims insists that it was all the Not-Them, I think it was more complicated than that.  I have a feeling that, given the very specific reactions that Sims was having compared to Tim or Martin, it was likely a combination of the Not-Them, the Beholding pricking at him and warning him that there was danger nearby, and his own natural paranoia being hugely exaggerated.  Because Sims has always been a little paranoid.  

He is, however, a lot more self-aware in this episode than he has been in quite some time.  He knows that, for the majority of the last season, he really wasn’t playing with a full deck.  I doubt he’s as recovered from the events of season 2 as he thinks.  While he does sound saner, he still frays and starts sounding a lot more broken again when he discusses the fact that his former colleagues now likely think him a psychopathic killer.  A lot is hitting Sims all at once at this point: the loss of his job, being on the run despite the lack of wide-scale manhunt (my guess is that the investigation into Leitner’s death is going to be a very secret thing, likely undertaken by Daisy alone), and having lost people he might not have even recognized as friends before he did indeed lose them.  Sasha is dead, and Martin and Tim both suspect him of murder.  As dismissive as he was of his assistants, I think he’s feeling their loss a lot more keenly than he thought he would.

But most of that remains subtext or only hinted at, because Sims might think he’s no longer the Archivist, but something is still driving him.  Something has made him find a new tape recorder, new tapes, and to start recording again in the exact same manner he did at the Institute.  One could say it was habit, but I think that the Beholding is still claiming him.  He is still the Archivist, and as such the compulsion to behold and to record is overwhelming to him.  The only way he can start to make sense of everything that happened to him and because of him in season 2 is to finally recount the story that started him down this path, that committed him to the study of the paranormal, and that even seems rooted in some of the stupider decisions he’s made in this podcast’s run.

One thing I noticed, even early on, was that Sims was ready to dismiss almost any statement—no matter how compelling—as insubstantiated nonsense.  And yet whenever Jurgen Leitner’s library came up, he took that statement, even flimsy and without any proof, as 100% fact.  Sims was a believer in Leitner’s library and its horrors, if nothing else at the beginning of this series.  And in this statement, we learn why.  Sims himself had an encounter with one of those books, and it changed him in a fundamental way, setting him on the path to become the Archivist.  For Sims, Leitner was the definition of all that was horrific, supernatural, and evil.  Sims readily admits that he was functioning in a very (understandably) self-centered manner at the beginning of his tenure as the Archivist.  He had experienced the horror of a Leitner book, and so that was real. His fear and his suffering were real, but everyone else was likely lying or hallucinating or drugged.  Sims is a deeply self-centered individual, not because he’s a narcissist, but because he has defined himself as something independent of … well, just about everything and everyone else for basically all of his life.

In addition to being a nicely creepy story, we finally get a lot more insight into what formed Jonathan Sims into the man he is today, and even in his childhood he seemed to be defined by two characteristics that seem to have spilled over into his adulthood: isolation, and a belief in his own intelligence that very frequently veers into arrogance.  We also know that Sims was “a child of the 90s”, so is likely in his early to mid-thirties (I think of children of the nineties as those who remember that period as their childhood, so were likely … five or six in 1990?  Making him 32 or 33ish?).  We also know he looks considerably older than his actual age, even to the point of already having graying hair.  We know that both of his parents are dead.  His father died when he was two of an accidental fall, and his mother died a few years later due to complications of a routine surgery.  As such, the only caretaker Sims really knew was a grandmother grieving her dead son, and who resented having to care for a rather difficult grandchild.  Sims’ sense of isolation clearly started early, as while he doesn’t seem to have any outright hostility toward his grandmother, there is a definite distance in the way he discusses her.  She tried her best, but they were clearly never particularly close, and Sims in turn never really developed any deep bonds in his childhood.  The entire statement is devoid of mentions of friends or profound connections.  Even the person who eventually saved him from the book wasn’t a friend, but instead a bully who used to torment Sims, and whose name Sims can’t remember.

This all fits so well with everything we’ve already learned about Sims.  Sims really doesn’t get the idea of family.  think Martin’s story didn’t resonate with him nearly so much as it might with others partially because of the Not-Them’s paranoia, but also partially because the idea of completely upending his life and lying about something fundamental like who and what he was for someone he loved was something that Sims didn’t quite comprehend.  Sims has always functioned for himself first and foremost.  Putting others before his own self-interest is something he is clearly working to be better at.  Indeed, he does have moments of great selflessness, like when he tried to protect his assistants by sending them home in ‘The Librarian’.  But while Martin is naturally caring, and puts others before himself even to a fault, such actions are not natural to Sims.  

Instead of friends, Sims has always preferred books.  But even in that, Sims was difficult to please.  He apparently disliked reading anything that seemed familiar, meaning he would only ever read any given author once, and any given subject once.  His grandmother took to buying every second-hand book she could find that was 50p or less, and just presenting him with piles of books to sort through and choose ones he actually found interesting.  

And second-hand books, of course, lead us straight to the library of Jurgen Leitner.

The description of ‘A Guest for Mr Spider’ is somehow even more chilling than most of the other Leitner books, because it’s a picture book.  The implication there seems to be that it specifically targets children. The strange, horrid, twitchy illustrations depict a series of flies in various costumes coming to visit Mr Spider, only to vanish as more and more of Mr Spider’s home is covered in brown ink and Mr Spider becomes more bloated.  The final consumption of Mr Horse and his son sets clear the context that the book wants children.  It will take older people, and indeed it does end up taking the 19-year-old bully who snatched the book from Sims before he could finish it, but this was a book meant to be found and read by a child.  A child who, like Sims, recognized the book instantly as something wrong and horrific, and yet who was powerless to stop reading.  Who would be drawn through the streets to a house that wouldn’t be found later.  A house full of darkness and webs, and long spider legs.  It puts one in mind of Raymond Fielding.  I wonder if, when reading the statements regarding the house on Hill Top Road, Sims saw reflected in those experiences that house from his own childhood.  Did he read Ronald Sinclair’s statement about Fielding, about the children bound in webs in his basement, and think of himself and that nameless bully?  Or did he ever think to tie those spiders together with Mr Spider?

I wonder if he might not have done.  Rather than focusing on the house and the spiders, Sims seems to have focused all his fear and his anger at Jurgen Leitner.  He would dismiss the statements about spiders readily enough at the beginning, but never a statement about Leitner.  In Sims’ mind, the supernatural was rare, with the majority of the statements he read—even those on tape—made up of hoaxes.  But Leitner was evil personified, and had tapped into some primal power that he wielded to harm 8-year-old Jonathan Sims and reshape his entire perception of how the world worked.

It shines a whole different light on how profound actually meeting Leitner must have been for Sims. Leitner wasn’t some great villain or all-powerful master of the things in his books.  He was a stupid, arrogant man who thought he could control and define things without control or definition.  He was, as Sims says in this episode, a spoiled child.  He looked at the nightmares in this world and thought he had the ability to confront them and contain them purely because he was interested and had a big enough ego to think he could.  He decided to create a way to hold the supernatural to his own whims, much as Robert Smirke had done with his architecture.  But whatever power Smirke wielded that made him so lastingly effective, Leitner lacked.  He contained the books only for a brief time, and then they all found their way back into the wild, potentially more readily available than they had been before. Even his and Gertrude’s scheme to destroy the Institute could well have been similarly short-sighted, and just another effort to exert control from a man who was ultimately just as powerless as anyone else.

This man, who Sims had so feared and hated, is remarkably similar to Sims.  They both believe that if they confront the horrors of this world, they will somehow have the ability to resist and defeat them.  They are both isolated, both believe themselves more intelligent than they actually are, and are both supremely arrogant.  Leitner isn’t a monster.  He’s a cautionary tale.

And now Sims lacks that driving fear of Leitner.  He lacks a job, and he’s realizing that everything he set out to do in season 1 and even his desire from childhood to protect people from the darkness has roundly and repeatedly failed.  He wanted to organize the archive and failed.  He wanted to disprove the majority of the supernatural statements that weren’t directly related to his own trauma, and he failed.  He wanted to keep his assistants as far from harm as possible, and he failed.  And now he’s on the run.  He’s out in the wild without direction or any real idea of what he needs to do.  

So he falls back on compulsion.  He records his own statement, lacking anyone else’s.  He hides and he looks at the shattered remains of his life.  Something is going to happen, I’m certain, to roust him from this hiding space, and to plunge him into the wider world of the supernatural.  Having him out of the Institute may well be exactly the boost to his skill and his understanding that Elias thinks it will be.  He will see the powers of his world in a much more direct fashion.  He may well be able to get statements from faction members who would never set foot inside the Institute.  And he will likely be in terrible danger from all of them. We still don’t know what it means to be the Archivist, but we know that whatever it is, members of other factions want the Archivist.  They want to use him, or tell him things, or get information from him, or kill him. But Sims’ position makes him marked, not only by the Beholding, but every supernatural entity out there.  And this season, I think we’ll learn a lot more about what that really means.

This was quite the episode for big reveals regarding the backstory of Jonathan Sims, and what makes him the man he is today.  So much of it jives perfectly with the man we’ve gotten to know.  He’s protective of others, but in an abstract way that speaks more to a belief that this is the way he ought to be than a sense of genuine connection with others.  And yet he believes enough in this abstract sense of right and wrong that he is willing to put himself in danger to protect innocents.  It was why he tried to deck Michael when he realized a woman had been snatched right under his nose.  Looking back, that experience must have been even more traumatic for him than it had seemed at the time, given how closely it resembled what happened when he was a child. There was someone else walking through a door, never to be seen again, while Jonathan Sims stood by helpless to stop it.  So many of the previous statements have new resonance now that we know how closely Sims’ own experience mirrored them.

His early isolation, as well as seeing someone snatched up by Mr Spider, goes a long way to explaining why he wouldn’t reach out to Martin or Tim throughout season 2, even when he knew he should.  It explains why he’s been so hesitant to foster anything but the most professional relationships with them, despite Martin’s best efforts.  He’s never learned how to connect with anyone on a deep and meaningful level, and he’s only now realizing how detrimental that can be.

More than that, there is a guilt in Sims, unacknowledged and perhaps unconscious, that this bully he can barely even remember died and thereby saved him.  Imagine the guilt that rears up when Leitner revealed that Gertrude had three assistants, and they all died.  Imagine his guilt when he realizes that Sasha is dead and he never even noticed because of the Not-Them.  Imagine his guilt when he realizes that Tim and Martin are unable to quit, and are therefore meant to die for him as well.  These people he could almost call his friends, and some great and unknown power will kill them just because that’s what the assistants of an Archivist do.  There may well be some unconscious belief that if he just pushes them away, if he keeps them as far from him as possible, and if he stays away from the Institute, he can save them.  I doubt that’s the way it works.  I think that something will draw Sims and Martin and Tim back together, but I think that Sims is always going to be operating with that low-level terror that more people, people he cares about this time, people with names and faces he will remember, are going to end up dying because of him again.  Sims has massive amounts of survivor’s guilt, I think, and he doesn’t even realize it.

Conclusions

Starting the season out with a deep-dive character study wasn’t what I expected, but I really liked it. We now have a good idea of what’s going on with Sims right now, and have a better understanding of his head-space. He’s staying with Georgie, the hostess of the ‘What the Ghost’ podcast, and someone Melanie once mentioned actually spoke pretty well of Sims.  It’s still not clear if Sims and Georgie were once romantically involved, but he’s now staying in her guest room and cat-sitting for her.  Their conversations are awkward, like two people who haven’t interacted in years and are suddenly together and realizing how little they have in common.  

I’m interested what they’ll do with Georgie.  I’m honestly hoping she’s not another outsider character, as we already have that in Basira Hussain.  It would be more interesting if she was already an insider, perhaps a member of the Open Eye or working with Trevor the Vampire Slayer or something.  She’s said she’ll believe anything.  What if that’s because she’s already seen so much and has way more contacts in that world than Sims?  What if she’s not just a random character, but the gate through which he’ll be thrown head-first into the wider world of the supernatural in TMA?  That would be a fun twist.

I’m also hoping that, now that we’ve established Sims, we get to see what’s happening at the Institute. What is Elias doing to clean up after season 2?  Was that Daisy on the teaser trailer?  Is she hunting Sims?  If she is, does she intend to deal with him the same way she deals with other supernatural threats?  Is Martin the Interim Head Archivist?  Is Tim still there?  What is their relationship like now?  There are so many questions.  We’ve gotten a surprising number of answers about Sims, so I’m hopeful we’ll start to get a few about our other favorite characters as well starting next week.