#and of course I'm scheduled for tomorrow
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I need a new job
#I was fine#I was fine until this last hour#I was having a good day until this last hour#then of course we fall many theaters behind so we're scrambling#accidentally go into the wrong theatre that has just started so we think we're that late#go halfway to the next one before realizing we went to the wrong one#then go to the right one only for it to be messy as hell#I of course being stressed by being behind schedule and by the mess actually trip and fall#angrily scream fuck very loudly as apparently people were walking in for the next showing#I also broke my dustpan in the process of this fall#scrapped up my knee also so that hurts#my throat has also geen hurting and my voice gone all day so screaming was not good#we then proceed to have to clean very fast with people standing there watching us and me on the verge of crying#and then running and ruahing the next like 2 theaters to catch back up#I hate everything#and of course I'm scheduled for tomorrow#I don't even normally work on wednesdays and this has been a horrible day#fuck everything#abby's having a crisis
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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came home at 8:45 from work and 🌸 was already fast asleep fully dressed on the bed phone in hand completely unresponsive to sound including name-calling and loud floor creaks
probably they were planning to get more work done this evening but i'm going to sabotage that by turning their light off and ordering takeout so i don't make any cooking noises to wake them up, hopefully causing them to get up to a full 12 hours of sleep for what i think would be the first time in two and a half years
#can't check if their alarms for tomorrow are set‚ unfortunately‚ bc they don't have a fingerprint unlock phone anymore#so i can't do the ''cleverly manipulate your hand to unlock your phone in your sleep and set your alarms for you'' trick as i once did.#but we get up at the same time on fridays bc i have early meeting so i'll notice if they didn't.#box opener#girlfriend tag#i feel like my frequent blogging topics imply that my main interest in 🌸 is their sleep habits. it isn't but back when i was originally#becoming truly obsessed/falling in miserable secret love with them in college#it was roughly contemporaneous with their period where they tried to add our school's notorious theoretical cs program on top of their#existing bio/chem double major and 20hr/wk research commitments#and accordingly their sleep schedule would range from '4am-8am' to 'no'.#at the time i was very worried i was having an evil influence on their life (due to the corrosive nature of my secret passions obviously)#and my main countervailing evidence was how frequently i managed to convince them that going to sleep at 2am was ok to do#so i suppose. it remains a topic of some small interest.#also of course i am sulking a little because they are asleep so we can't hang out. so it helps to make it into a scheme i'm doing
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How do I get things done?
How do I not get stressed about one thing I have to do and have it keep me from accomplishing anything else? How do I manage to buy groceries and take my cat to the vet and still sit down to draw? How do other artists do studies, finish personal work and other projects, cramp in appointments, chores, handle social media and keep in touch with friends without feeling absolutely stressed out...? I can't figure it out. I can only do one of these things in a day and... I don't get it. What is your secret
#wondering what is wrong with me#I've tried making lists#making a schedule#it's not helping#I'll have breakfast and suddenly it's 11 am and I have take a walk and also shower at some point and of course my livestream starts at 9pm#and don't forget to eat and text your friends and there's a letter you gotta send and this email needs a response#oh you wanted to draw or write? sorry day's over get some sleep we'll try again tomorrow#only that it'll be the exact same thing tomorrow#and if I'm real lucky I'll be in a bad mood and manage to accomplish even less than usual#and did I mention I'm not even working?#other people can do it so why. am. I. so. bad. at. this??#something to bring up with my therapist I suppose
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Song of the Day: February 23
“Inkpot Gods” by The Amazing Devil
#song of the day#'if I don't make it back from where I've gone / just know I loved you all along'#I'm setting up my queue for a more proper recommendation tomorrow but I've been rereading 'shoulder the sky' by Night_Fury#the whole series draws from various Amazing Devil lines for titles and such#'back then I was dauntless' is my favorite reworking of the Melidaan arc I've ever seen absolutely anywhere#and the title is a line from my favorite Amazing Devil song 'The Calling' but 'Inkpot Gods' is used to stunning effect in-story#and the beautiful refrain from the end of the song is playing in my head now as I keep going into the series#today was a deeply unpleasant day: the inevitable finally happened and Duncan cut himself doing his mudlarking#we'd been trying to schedule a preventative tetanus shot but several times we've gone in for the properly scheduled shot#and found out that they didn't actually have one in stock. unspeakably frustrating#and today we ran out of time for a preventative one. I woke up#(actually I woke up for work as he was going out for his walk but I got a migraine halfway through my morning meeting--no good--#and took the rest of the day off--turns out to have been a very good thing--and went back to sleep. so I woke up the second time)#to Duncan coming back from his walk with a sliced finger and the grody plastic-and-tin swan that had done the slicing#(picture of said swan under the cut because why not. it does look neat. can't see the sharp edge in the pic though it's underneath)#and so then we called the pharmacy and got the same automated 'of course you can have a tetanus shot' as ever so we made an appointment#and we got there and they did actually have a shot in stock this time! except that they weren't able to administer it#because now he's post-exposure that's a different shot and they aren't allowed. so we had to go to the urgent care instead#all told we spent about four hours out of the house on this mission but Duncan did get his shot and some bonus antibiotic goo for the cut#and it was worth it but also bleeeeeeegh it was miserable. which is where my recommendations do come in#when I tell y'all that I spent today reading Night_Fury's fics and also looking at valiants' CoD art and it saved me#whooo I mean it. being simultaneously stressed + bored is the nightmare state for me and instead I had wonderful things in my phone
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screech
#tag rant incoming#the wait until results day is killing me#6 days 17 hours until I log onto ucas and see where I'm going in less than a month#time will not go faster no matter what i do I'm an anxious mess all the time and all I look forward to is going to bed so when i wake up#there's 1 less day to wait#I want to get into my first choice so so so badly and I'm not sure how I'll take it if I don't#my second choice is an equally good uni and course but it's just not the same to me#I'll go anyway if that's what ends up happening cus I know I'll enjoy it eventually but yeah#god has a plan everything happens for a reason etc etc but I'm Scared™#ok positives#today i bought my new laptop that I've been saving for for months - there wasn't any in stock at currys so I'll have to wait for delivery#so now I can finally join discord calls and make silly PowerPoints again#the end of my job is in sight - I wasn't put on the schedule for my last week so now I just have 2 ish weeks to go#on Monday I'm going round to a friend's to play stardew valley#rwrb movie comes out tomorrow#no matter what happens on results day my friends and I are going to a gay bar in Belfast which I'm so excited for#followed by a sleepover with another friend#the future is happening very soon and it's very overwhelming but I will get through it#I am just the unfortunate combination of anxious and impatient#ellis exclaims
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Y'all I so want to participate in InuKag Week but I don't think I even have the energy to pick up a pen let alone draw stuff 😩😭
#i just got back from a week and a half learning how to drive by my brother and let me tell you he took the job VERY SERIOUSLY#which is good but he'd drag me outta bed by 8 or sometimes 6 so we could practice#plus we did a lot of stuff together or had friends of his and family come over to interact with or entertain#I actually had a mothers day drawing I got started on but couldn't finish bc we were so busy.#i still might post it tho so don't worry#and then we drove down to FL where we met up with my mom and aunt and stayed a few days#then we had to rush home because I had work scheduled this weekend#so then we got home and i had barely 45 minutes to get dressed for work & I finished work only for us to go to dinner bc it was my b-day#and then I worked again today and tomorrow will be the first day in forever where I dont need to be anywhere and meet people#oh and I also have summer classes starting on May 30th#I had a lot of fun of course and I enjoy seeing people and like my job but I'm so freaking tired guys and my feet hurt😩#so of I end up not posting any art for InuKag Week ya'll will at least know I'm not dead#i know I usually only post 1 or 2 drawings for the Week anyway but still#inuyasha#kagome higurashi#inukag#the hanyou and his miko#inukag week#inukag week 2023#story of my life
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good morning i am back home and full of anxiety
#i have so much stuff to do so little time#i still have to buy reyes presents and of course tomorrow and saturday will be special days#i have to give a seminar next friday. let's say i'm a bit below schedule#also i still cannot upload my master's dissertation#please just let me fucking finish this
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every weekend without fail the big depresh spiral cometh
#due to the nature of my work and just... life in general and the fact that my brother is the only other person living in this house#and he works weekends#I sometimes don't even actually realize it's ~the weekend~ until the big depresh sets in and it's like lmao it's Saturday isn't it???#tomorrow will be worse! which is why of course I've scheduled myself a task! cause why not add to cluster fuck!#I'm so TIRED of this. I'm so TIRED of life being the way it is here. I'm tired of reading news sites every morning like lmao#I wish all these billionaires and capitalism would die#I'm tired man. idk how much longer I can be tired for. idk.#I'm tired of doing grocery shopping for LEGITIMATE ITEMS NECESSARY TO COOK DECENT FOOD AND BE ALIVE#and being like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#I'm tired of the general state of being alive rn sucking all enjoyment out of everything and draining my ability to do ANYTHING that isn't#survive#I'm fuckin tired man#erin explains it all
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I was supposed to be asleep like 2 hours ago but I'm just too fucking giddy over Mr Cringefail. Like literally kicking my feet in bed, giggling and grinning ear to ear giddy. Like don't get me wrong I love all of my F/Os so so much but I don't think I've been this giddy since Flavio and thst was 3 yesrs sgo now which... ngl kinda says something huh–
#like of course I get giddy over my other f/os I mean hell I descended so far back onto albedo I themed my blog around him#but the last time I fell for someone hard enough to fuck up my sleeping schedule was Flavio#granted back then I worked night shift at a taco bell and not a 7-3 where I have to get up at 5:30am for it kfjwiw#I'll be fine I'll just be bad and get an energy drink tomorrow morning and nap on my breaks#but wow holy fucking shit this dude really just went “hey hey you want a little goofball on yout mind 24/7?” then absolutely clocked me#manda won't say she's in love#please ignore that I'm awake kgjwjehw
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It's decided btw, tomorrow I'll begin to reread Julius Caesar
#I could also read Voltaire's#I'll either read it right after or read that instead#and I need to watch the 2017 rsc play so I'll watch that too the day after tomorrow probably#(crying because I won't be able to watch it tomorrow)#and there are the books and papers#I'm actually interested in this hey!#I'm only sad german fell to the wayside#and of course there are things I must do. I need a planner like a schedule or something#personal#I think this is my favourite play after King Lear#I love the others too but Lear and Julius Caesar. gods
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#Been having some birthday thoughts#because if I'm left to my own devices I end up self-reflecting and navel gazing#and of course sometimes this is not a good thing but whatever I guess it's just a tradition now#I don't want this to sound like the cliché 'I'm not getting any younger'/'I'm an old man now' shit but like. I have to admit#I do have the feeling that I'm running out of time to be acting like I have been. Kinda lackadaisical like I acted in my 20s.#I do have the feeling that I need to shape up and start learning how to human adult. It's just that.#It feels like so much of it is out of my hands. I try my hardest and everything still seems to end up being harder than it maybe needs to b#I know what I need. I need a better paying job. car insurance. health insurance. a local number. a regular schedule. real days off#but those things (esp. looking for a new job) cost money time and energy I don't have right now#And what I want and what I need are at odds. I want to be able to wear a kilt to work and buy hockey cards and kiss I mean see my coworker#But maybe I need to grow the fuck up and realise that the things I want aren't more important that my physical/mental well being#Maybe I need to grow the fuck up and prioritise my needs over such childish wants#Unfortunately satisfying some of those wants are the only thing other than going to the lake that are bringing me joy right now.#I've got a lot to think about right now. And I have some difficult decisions coming up ahead#But for tonight I will celebrate my birthday and eat seafood and watch star trek and not think about tomorrow
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The irony of being so excited for Disability Pride Month
Only for the disability to be disabling, and not being able to do anything for the whole month and more
#i didn't attack anyone on artfight despite my bookmark list being 3 pages long#i only got 3 defenses#i still haven't revenged one#gonna try to brute force it tomorrow because it's literally the last day#I'm so sock of this#and I'm sick of anyone telling me that it's in my head or just my hormones that decide to do random shit#and that i just need to keep taking the antidepressants that have literally had no effects for the past 3 months#and to make a schedule#that THAT will fix the chronic PHYSICAL fatigue that has been here SINCE I GOT SICK AND LOST A TON OF BLOOD where we did a blood test and#found that MY IRON WAS LOW all the way back in February#only to do another test a few weeks ago and find that MY IRON IS STILL LOW#but yeah no everyone keeps saying that it's just a mental issue when i can clearly tell that it's my body failing me while my mind is#completely fine#or at least it was#because of course being ignored. gaslight. made to run in circles and feel trapped is gonna mentally get to me after 8 months#so NOW they have their “proof” that it's “depression”#just had to mentally tear me down until i fit what they wanted to believe 😊#vent#neg#i know that it's burnout made worse by low iron#but no one listenes#and i get berated for looking for help and using advice from the internet#negative#HB rambles#I'm so tired of being tired and of being yelled at about it
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Nothing like being fine, having a good week, and then suddenly everything is Not Fine
#molly vents#i'm still grieving and it's still hard#when i lost my best friend (not through death!!!!) my mom suggested that we could go out for ice cream#but not just the two of us like invite my cousin as well#it was gonna happen tomorrow#my cousin's brother and mom were gonna come to#i had to wait a while for this because schedules just weren't working out#i was so excited#but nope that ain't happening#because of course its not#and this is leading me into a spiral like i am NOT okay#making posts here because like i just#the one person i'd go to is no longer my friend so like what do i do#i feel so overwhelmed and self destructive (mentally not physically thankfully)#i know there are things i can do to help myself but it all feels so overwhelming#i am way to overwhelmed#the tiniest of things are causing me to break down#i literally cannot take it right now i can't stop crying#i don't know who to reach out to or HOW#if someone spoke to me right now i think i'd just cry even more i literally can't handle my emotions#gufijdksgdoafpdosafd i just want my friend back
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Sometimes miracles happen and you find the proper song necessary for the angst living in your head.
#don't mind me#which is to say words actually happened today#before scheduled mandated writing time tomorrow#god if I could get this premise done before I inevitably get sucked back into swtor writing that'd be great#also desire to keep things under wraps vs wanting validation something is good...fight#really resisting the urge to post some out of context angst but I will not#at least not yet#I have 4 chapters to write and...I'm of course writing chapter 4 first
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There is a nonzero chance that I have COVID.
Yayyyyyyyy.
Let's hope it's just a cold...
#but we know that at least one person in my cast has covid#and i hugged him last night and talked to him a lot post-show with my mask off#i mask during the show but since we were eating and drinking i didn't at that time#sooooooo we shall see we shall see. thank god backstage i'm not as much around the cast as they are with each other.#other people in the cast have colds though. but most have not tested for covid. and honestly more might have covid.#is it bad i'm putting off testing too...#i almost don't want to know if i do... or at least... i don't want to know for the next 12 hours...#if i DO have it then it'll be an easier time than last time when i started developing symptoms on my way home from hawaii#and that was like 18 hours straight of traveling and due to the time difference i arrived home almost exactly a day later.#and over the course of those 18 hours (because literally my throat started feeling itchy at the start of the first of 3 plane rides)#i felt sicker and sicker and sicker. and in the uber home i was like i wanna die. but didn't sleep#because when i got home it was like 10am so i didn't want to totally mess up my sleep schedule so i stayed up most of the day#(i think i did nap at one point) and by midnight when i went to bed i was like oh i'm definitely sick with something#and at 4am when i was woken by a stupid tornado warning i realized i had been sweating in my sleep and likely had a fever#and woke up the next day at 11-ish finding out someone from the hawaii wedding had covid so i should test too#and my brother said the moment my swab hit the activator/indicator/whatever it was a solid positive line. yayyyy.#that was about 48-ish total hours between first symptoms and testing positive.#so. IF i have covid. i might not even test positive right now since i've only felt this sickness in my chest for like 5 hours.#at this point i'd be landing from the first plane and having a layover. and convincing myself it was just the dry airplane air.#i'd still have 2 red eye flights ahead of me to be miserable on while the symptoms progressed.#so i can definitely handle sleeping tonight and running a show tomorrow morning and then see how i feel.#also this might be psychological since i didn't really start feeling sick until AFTER i found out about the sick cast member.#that's a very very real possibility since i got so paranoid when i first heard he was sick and missing the show.
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