#and obviously a bunch of Billy Joel

[salvadorbonaparte]

Rules: shuffle your "on repeat" playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag 10 people

I was tagged by @yovelknell

Getting Closer - Billy Joel

Willenlos - Westernhagen

Cha Cha Cha - Käärijä

Allentown - Billy Joel

Dance The Night - Dua Lipa

Sax Rohmer #1 - The Mountain Goats

Atlantic City - Bruce Springsteen

A Matter of Trust - Billy Joel

Proud Mary - The Cambodian Space Project

To Pouli - Nana Mouskouri

@thebreakfastgenie (hey look I'm in my The Bridge phase) @orangealleycat @onekisstotakewithme @sarduy @blue-ravens @tealingual @doctorparmak @bluescreening @bibi-blogsberg @profiterole-reads and everyone else who feels like sharing some music :)

[magnolia-miraculous]

A. Agreste (aka Chat Noir) Headcanons <3

Kind of a lot tbh—just headcanons that I like to apply in my AUs when they don’t clash with their particular premises. It’s just a hot mess under the cut yeah? Cool.

He was actually in ballet classes as a kid—the same ones as Chloé.

What’s funny is that Marinette was there too. However, boys and girls were kept separate and so he only really knew Chloé.

He only found out when he was going through his closet and found a shoe box with his old shoes and a bunch of class photos; he noticed Marinette in the corner of one.

He’s still really flexible though.

He actually used to go to see a live rendition of The Nutcracker each Christmas.

He wanted to play the Rat King rlly badly.

He’s got a killer steady hand that makes for rlly good cursive.

He has the neatest handwriting in the class, and takes rlly good notes too—particularly in physics.

He’s also got terrible sense in fashion. He knows good stuff when he sees it, but doesn’t know bad stuff is bad at all.

He really likes milk; in some horrible twist of fate, he’s also lactose intolerant.

He’s totally touch starved and rlly touchy feely w/ certain people.

He refuses to kill bugs. He once screamed and lifted Alya up off her feet for trying to squash a spider in the middle of science class.

He put it in a cup before disappearing for a good five minutes so he could walk all the way over to the park to release it where it would be safe.

He’s English and French.

He really likes gelato—specifically passionfruit; peach is a close second tho.

He knows how to run in heels; has a subtly burning hatred for them.

He really likes light up sneakers though and always wanted a pair.

He knows Morse code.

Rlly ticklish.

Sneezes super loudly.

Really crappy immune system thanks to never being allowed outside his castle walls; he got sick like three times within the first two months of school.

He really likes Piano Man by Billy Joel and can sing and play the whole thing.

Honestly his music taste consists of five types of music: Heavy/classic rock, classical/classical-style music (In The Hall of The Mountain King slaps ok), Billy Joel, chill-somber-sad-theatric-feels-y, and whatever the heck that migraine-inducing bs he’s got stashed in the back is.

His Spotify is a hot mess tbch; lots of spontaneous playlists depending on how he felt at the moment. The titles are usually smth along the lines of “ifykyk”, “vibe”, or “yeah”; either that or just the playlist #.

He has like five that are nice enough to send ppl, and those are the only ones he’s listened to more than twice. They’re called “Classical Vibes”, “Cheese Demon”, “Billy Joel Aesthetic”, “sad”, and “Spontaneous 2am Dance Party OST”.

He’ll literally save recommended playlists and never listen to them.

He never bothers to clean it up though, and has 600+ playlists sitting around.

Also he used to drink a ton of pediasures as a kid and his father doesn’t let him drink them anymore bc he’s not a little kid anymore obviously but he would kill for a muscle milk.

He’ll throw up if he ever tries to eat kale again; it’s a trauma response ok.

Emotion smart but social dumb.

Honestly kinda yandere ngl.

I mean have you seen this man?? Cheez-its man, chill.

He resists when in civilian form but once he’s transformed it’s Full Gremlin Mode activated.

He’s not good at drawing but he does try; he does a lot of blob style digital and is slowly getting better.

He overcomes his feelings of being stuck and not knowing what to do in life as seen in wish maker when he spends time with the Dupain-Chengs and realizes that that is what he wants. He then dreams of working in the bakery one day.

Cannot for the life of him resist eating the batter, ok. He needs it. He’s gonna get heckin’ salmonella one of these days and it’s going to have been worth it.

He gets really good at frosting “flower” cupcakes. He switches to succulents pretty easily after learning how to airbrush. They’re adorable.

Also really good at modeling lil fondant animals and things.

He’s developed separation anxiety surrounding both ladybug and Marinette—he rlly just wants to have both of them in one place at once and he’s rlly sad that it somehow never seems to happen; he’s rlly happy post-reveal.

He rlly loves babysitting; like honestly he loves kids, so so so much; if he weren’t thinking of taking over the bakery (and/or tied down as Chat Noir), he’d probably become a pediatric nurse or a daycare attendant or smth bc 💞💞💞

He’ll leave the press to Ladybug so he can talk w/ the akuma victims and make sure they’re okay.

He’ll escape out his window and climb to high places when stressed to pace.

Once lost a Chat Noir look alike contest.

Has referred to his civilian self as, and I quote, a “dipshit boytoy” whilst en costume.

He became a total night owl thanks to his miraculous but he’s just rlly good at pretending to not be tired.

He’s more cat than he’d like to admit:

He’ll react to catnip when transformed;

He’ll also chase laser pointers;

He subconsciously stares at birds;

Once a bird got stuck in the classroom and everyone was freaking out trying to catch it in a wire trash bin and stuff but it kept evading them so Adrien looked up and pulled out his music, watched it for a second, and then caught it by the feet mid-flight;

He brought it closer to himself and calmed it down as best he could, petting it as he walked over to the window to let it out;

Everyone was flabbergasted but no one said anything as he went back to working and by the time anyone could speak it was kinda late for questions;

He gets the zoomies at the most inconvenient times;

He’s made incredibly uneasy by dogs despite actually being more of a dog person.

Also more destruction powers seeping in alongside the cat attributes:

When he’s is in a funk, there’s crappy cell service, lights flicker, machines go haywire and burn out;

If he’s REALLY upset, drinking glasses and crystal can spontaneously combust;

His powers trickle over into when he’s a civilian;

He just keeps getting more and more frustrated with his computer as it begins to function less and less and keeps giving increasingly worse error codes;

He’s in a funk for the first half the day at school and for some reason the wifi is down;

His mood is lifted after a good lunch break and all of a sudden the computers are working super fast;

Though it frustrates him at first, Adrien learns to hone his powers and either repress or, if needed, direct them.

That’s all I have for now! Feel free to adopt/modify any of these as you please :)

[septembersghost]

in a timeline where Elvis had been in good health and lived longer or even was still alive! what do you think might've happened with his career?

this is a great question, and i love it despite it also making me unspeakably sad. obviously so many things would have to change for this to happen, and there are endless hypotheticals that can be asked about him - what if he'd gotten, and been willing to accept, help with the pills and his other struggles, what if he hadn't been trapped in vegas, what if he'd left parker, what if he had had the chance to make dramatic pictures and choose/record more music that inspired him rather than the movies and soundtracks he ended up having to do for so long, what if he hadn't been drafted, what if his mother hadn't died when she did - any one of these changing potentially changes the whole course of his life. but let's say nothing is different except he's healthier and survives. keep in mind elvis would've only been 45 in 1980, and, all things being equal, his voice would still have been strong and clear and beautiful. i don't think he's the type of person who ever would've wanted to stop creating and performing. the 80s gets us into an interesting time with music, disco fizzles out, a bunch of fresh rock and pop and country sounds rise and flourish, hip-hop begins to enter the mainstream. another big thing that happened was the revitalization of broadway, with particularly flashy, sweeping musicals. barbra streisand, who'd primarily been recording various forms of pop as it shifted for a good decade or so, along with her successful film soundtrack music, returned to her roots and released the broadway album in 1985 (one of my albums of all-time), when el would've been 50, and it was seen as a gamble, but turned out to be a huge hit. elvis may not have been a musical theatre performer in that sense, but he had a natural affinity for drama and flair, so it'd be cool to know if he would've taken to any of that or incorporated aspects of it (in my head, he'd totally enjoy the phantom of the opera). the rock sounds, the r&b, the fusions in pop and country, all of that would've piqued his interest, i think, because he was so passionate about music and was so skilled (and such a sponge for it across genres) at adapting it. so he could've experimented with new sonic forms, kept expanding his abilities and repertoire. i'd love to imagine that he'd have flown away out of vegas and finally gotten to tour the way he wanted. i even think he would've added innovation to the culture and music happening at the time. if he'd remained well and found creative outlets that inspired him, it's something he could've kept going on and building for a long while. i feel certain he would've done more gospel records too eventually, while still staying current at the same time. i imagine any of that would've somewhat altered how his legacy has been viewed, especially the wrongfully disparaging commentary. maybe he'd be like some of the other artists we've seen, paul, elton, bob dylan, billy joel, and so on, and kept playing well into his 70s. maybe eventually he'd have retired instead and taken time for himself (and you asked career specifically, but i hope he could've found some personal peace and love that he kept looking for too), but...part of me really does think he never could've left making music or being onstage and sharing that love and energy with an audience, as long as he was able. he would've found those songs to keep singing. which is what he did do in life. if only he'd had more time.

kind of off-topic/an aside, but i honestly believe he'd be so, so touched, and so amused regarding some things (i simply know he'd dissolve into that contagious laughter), that the young women on the internet, even a generation behind me, (after i explain the internet to him, i will tell him <3) are listening to and watching, and writing and reading about, and making countless fanvids and edits/gifs/etc for him in 2023. i hope in 2027, when he's been gone for fifty years, all the fans right now, new and old alike, still hold onto part of what they're currently experiencing. there's something indescribably wholesome about it (even in the thirst posting tbh, because it's still his power?!). i just cannot fathom any current star having this effect decades later, including the ones i adore. not because they aren't great, not because they aren't creating wonderful, lasting work, they undoubtedly are, but so much has shifted in how we absorb and keep and pass that on which alters it along the way. elvis' status as the best-selling solo artist of all time could *maybe* be broken eventually (although it's not in the foreseeable future), but it won't actually be comparable because streaming and everything within the industry has vastly changed. another difference, unfortunately, also lies in the tragedy. i hope our current young musicians have long careers and carve out happy, peaceful lives free of as much of that torment as possible, but the immense sadness and mythic rise and fall of it all are why we culturally still cling so much to certain people - as i've oft mentioned with EP, MM. to those eternally young and heartbreaking figures. if they'd experienced recovery, and lived the long, contented lives we wish they had, would we be this captivated by them now? or do we look into the abyss of their absences and hold them closer to keep them alive, to understand and feel that connective empathy? it's deeply human nature to be drawn to trying to understand the shadow of that darkness chasing their light. we want them to live and we can't give it to them, so we find ways to bring them to life instead.

i wish he was here to know how beloved he is, and i wish he was here because it would mean the trajectory of his life was far more gentle. i wish he was here to laugh with us about it and see us singing and dancing along to his music as if it was brand new, but i do believe he often looks down at us like:

[thebreakfastgenie]

5, 18, and 25 for the song asks!

5: A song that needs to be played LOUD

Big Shot

18: A song from the year that you were born

Billy Joel released no music in 1996 lol. He fully stopped recording pop music before I was born until literally this year. I just tried to find any song I like from 1996 and I found Weird Al's Amish Paradise which I believe he did when I saw him in concert so we'll go with that.

25: A song by an artist no longer living

Obviously have to go more broad on this one although shoutout to Doug Stegmeyer who played the bass on a bunch of Billy Joel records, including Turnstiles my beloved, who is no longer living, and like idk covers of John Lennon songs or whatever. But I want to take this one for Manana by Jimmy Buffett because I did not expect to be that sad when he died last year. Gordon Lightfoot also died last year and Affair On 8th Avenue is a great one from him. And I have to give a shoutout to Harry Chapin too, I Wanna Learn a Love Song is a personal favorite.

[crimswnred]

my top 15 songs!

thank you so much to everyone that tagged me!

@lasswithumor @willkimurashat @mrsbsmooth @0shewrites0 @mergrl @kunepie @csmicletters @tammyisobsessedwith

I actually did a playlist with my 35 favourite songs of all time and it was so hard to chose between so many great great songs I love.

but anyways, here it is (obviously has a bunch of BR songs):

1. Como Nossos Pais, Elis Regina

2. Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls

3. Vienna, Billy Joel

4. Sujeito de Sorte, Belchior

5. Piano Man, Billy Joel

6. Fourth of July, Sufjan Stevens

7. She's Always A Woman, Billy Joel (yes I love his songs)

8. Yellow, Coldplay

9. cardigan, Taylor Swift

10. evermore, Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver

11. Ophelia, The Lumineers

12. Writer in The Dark, Lorde

13. Taj Mahal / Fio Maravilha / País Tropical, Jorge Ben Jor

14. Enchanted, Taylor Swift

15. Riptide, Vance Joy

[slipping-through-my-fingertips]

Thought You Liked Me Too

Part 1 of Not the One series.

Summary: Blaine is just starting at NYADA, spies Kurt Hummel, and promptly falls in love. One issue, Kurt is dating the lead singer of the acapella group Blaine wants to join. 

Notes: Partly inspired by Maisie Peters’ song “John Hughes Movie”

Read Part 2 here

AO3

Blaine tells his friends that the first time he saw Kurt Hummel was at the club they frequent.

When they tease him about his little crush, it’s everything straight out of his daydreams. Dancing with Kurt in the middle of a dancefloor not caring who’s watching, foreheads pressed together breathing in each other’s air, and being able to lean in anytime he wants to kiss him.

Except none of those daydreams are true and none of those friends are really Blaine’s friends.

Sam made friends with a bunch of upperclassmen who had connections to get the pair of roommates fake IDs. Callbacks was a primarily NYADA scene so the NYU students wanted nothing to do with it. Blaine had spent the last weeks of summer hanging out with Sam’s NYU friends exploring the city by day and clubbing at The Lion’s Den at night.

He knew once he started school some of his weekend nights would be spent here and others at Callbacks. Hopefully, Blaine Anderson could make friends at NYADA as easily as Sam had at NYU.

It had only taken two days before Sam came back to their apartment talking Blaine’s ear off about a group of guys he spent orientation with, “seriously dude, Dante and I are like long-lost twins.”

Blaine thought the same thing about him and Sam.

“That’s great, Sam.”

“We’re going out tonight. They want me to meet the rest of the group.”

Blaine was still scrolling through his phone, checking his emails again to make sure he hadn’t missed anything from school. They sent out orientation day schedules when he and Sam went grocery shopping yesterday. Ever since Blaine’s been slightly on edge. Maybe he should update his email notification preferences?

“You have to come!” Sam exclaimed, jumping onto the couch. “Please, Blaine! You’re my best bud. I want you to meet them.”

“I don’t know Sam…they’re your classmates.”

“Come on! It’ll be fun.”

It never took much to cave to Sam. Not when he made his lips so pouty.

“Fine, when and where?”

“Yes!” Sam did an air fist bump. “9 at the Lion’s Den.”

Then, Sam disappeared into his bedroom.

“The Lion’s Den,” Blaine murmured. “Doesn’t sound threatening at all.”

Blaine came to learn that The Lion’s Den was always crowded. Even on weeknights. From trivia night to karaoke to wing specials, everyone had a reason to be here. Not to mention their cheap drinks. If you wanted a fun, inexpensive buzz this was the perfect place.

Their lenient ID policy helped too.

The story of his first Kurt Hummel sighting went something like this: Spinning around on his barstool, after ordering himself a vodka coke and getting a weird look from the bartender, to admire the decor. Dark blue walls with high ceilings. Metal lion heads at every corner. Plenty of multicolored lights dancing over the patrons.

That’s when he saw him.

Bright blue eyes in a sea of dancers. Pushing his way out of the center of the dance floor.

He tells their friends for weeks to come that it was Kurt’s silver shirt that caught his attention that night. Blaine hadn’t known anyone could pull off such a color. It appeared to be made of silk and doused in glitter with the way it shined under the colorful lights in the club.

But that’s all fiction. A story he created because he was laughably bad at hiding his feelings. It took four days after he spun this tale for Tina and Angie to ask questions over lunch. By this point, Blaine had already had his heart broken by Kurt but kept up pretenses for the girls.

What’s his name?

Who’s got you smiling like that?

Someone put a twinkle in your eyes.

Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.

Even when Blaine knew there was no hope, his heart held on. Kurt Hummel had left his mark on him from just one measly conversation. So, he lied and told them he had a crush on some guy he saw at the club. A guy he didn’t speak to and would never see again. A guy whose name would never leave his lips.

Tina called him a hopeless romantic. Angie insisted Blaine would see him again.

If only she had known how right she was. Kurt Hummel wasn’t just some guy he saw in passing. Kurt had actually been at the bar that night dressed in that exact shirt but it wasn’t the first time Blaine had seen him.

Actually, Kurt went to his school. Not that any of Sam’s friends knew that—they all attended NYU. Blaine’s pretty sure they’re just tolerating him tagging along to their hangouts because of Sam. With the exception of Tina and Angie. They were the only ones who sought Blaine out—asked him to lunch. But even their friendship wasn’t solid. They had just met a few weeks ago when Sam started orientation.

A bunch of freshmen all desperate for friends in the big city. Who knows if it would last ‘til Thanksgiving. Now that school had officially started for them, they would surely get busy and Blaine’s feelings would be lost in the hustle and bustle of student life. The girls would forget about him and if he was lucky, Blaine would forget about Kurt.

Except, the real first time Blaine saw him was at NYADA. It was actually on the first day of school, four days before he saw Kurt’s silver shirt amongst the dancers at The Lion’s Den. He was using his space between class times to tour the school, trying to figure out where the rest of his classes for the week would be. Kurt had found him in the hallway where he had been studying the bulletin board filled with organizations you could join.

From chess to anime to superheroes, Blaine couldn’t choose which interests of his to pick. The only thing he knew he wanted to be involved in was Glee Club. Of which, NYADA had a ton. Luckily, Blaine already had his interests in a glee club narrowed down.

All of the brightly colored flyers had tabs to pull so you had the information to contact them about joining. He pulled the tab for the Apple’s Adams; the only acapella glee club on campus. Blaine had just finished his three years as the lead singer for the Dalton Academy Warblers and was pretty sure he’d get invited to join the Apples.

That’s when Kurt approached him though Blaine didn’t know his name at the time.

“The Apples?” he asked.

Blaine looked down shyly at the green tab in his hand. He met the man’s eyes and nodded. “I love to sing.”

“Me too,” he said, “I’ll see you at auditions, break a leg.”

That was it. No hello, no introductions, just a ‘good luck’ and a promise of seeing the most handsome man Blaine had ever seen again. If Blaine was going to daydream about someone at least he knew Kurt and he already had something in common.

He couldn’t wait for auditions.

The second time he saw Kurt Hummel wasn’t at the club either. This time Blaine was getting coffee. Standing in line debating if he should get another cronut or should he just stick to a medium drip and be on his way. Then he heard this voice coming from a table behind him.

Since their encounter the day before, Blaine had been replaying that melody of “I’ll see you at auditions.” It was getting him through his first week of school.

Friday’s auditions couldn’t come soon enough. Though, in reality, Blaine needed all the time he could get rehearing his audition song. The Lion’s Den karaoke nights these last two weeks had kept his vocals strong but Blaine wanted everything to sound perfect. He had more than just the judges to impress.

He quickly looked over his shoulder and noticed a girl sitting across from that blue-eyed man.

“Come on,” she was saying, “that’s not the Kurt Hummel I know!”

That’s how he learned his name. It was fitting. Sounded like a name that could very well be up in lights someday. Blaine hoped he was there to see it when it happened.  

“Rach, it’s only the second day of classes please contain your crazy for another week at least.”

She huffed dramatically. “Kurt, you need to put yourself out there.”

The girl, Rach went on to talk about how she was auditioning for as many off-Broadway productions as she could this year. After all, “we’re almost graduates”. Kurt had scoffed at that remark, “we have another 2 years.”

It was obvious then Kurt was an upperclassman. A junior. Blaine had to stand out at auditions to even be a blip on his radar. He moved up in line, ordered his coffee, and mentally going through his closet for the perfect outfit. Surely tight pants and a bowtie were enough to get someone’s attention but what combination of patterns and colors would appeal to one Kurt Hummel?

When Blaine turned back around, coffee in hand, Kurt was already gone.

Okay, he thought, he already had some practice getting along with upperclassmen. Tina and Angie seemed to like him. Chad and Dante tolerated him—Blaine was cool because he liked college football. Bryant and Xavier were the toughest to crack. He wasn’t sure they’d ever really like him.

But Kurt went to NYADA. He liked to sing, obviously enjoyed glee club and theater. They had to have tons in common.

The third time Blaine saw Kurt was at auditions. He was sitting as one of the judges in the audience. This time dressed in a green army jacket and a tight black tank top underneath. Kurt had his feet up on the seat in front of him showing off his white Doc Martens.

In his wildest dreams, Blaine might’ve wished for Kurt to remember him, give him a teasing wink before he began to sing. Of course, nothing happened. Kurt barely looked his way at all when he walked onto the stage.

It was during the last few notes of Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are”, Blaine found out Kurt Hummel was taken. For a second, Blaine was glad the reason Kurt hadn’t given him a second look was that he was already in a relationship but in the next, he felt his heart sink to his stomach.

The man he had just seen Kurt kiss on the cheek was now talking to him. He was British. And taller than Blaine.

“I’m Adam,” he said, extending a hand, “we’ll let you know by Monday.”

Blaine can’t remember if he shook his hand before nodding and bolting out of the room.

Fuck fuck fuck.

There was no way he could stand to be in that group with Kurt and his lead singer, group founder, and British boyfriend.

That night Blaine had camped out on the living room couch, binge-watching the Star Wars movies knowing he had the day off tomorrow, and eating his heart out Sam found him covered in used tissues and Hershey kiss wrappers, with a half-eaten pint of Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough in his lap.

“Bad audition?” Sam asked.

He didn’t answer. So naturally, he just sat next to Blaine on the couch.

“At least tell me you’re watching them in order.”

Blaine shook his head.

“Fuck dude, it’s worst than I thought if you don’t care about the order!”

Sam reached over his roommate to grab the remote control and paused the movie. Even though both boys had seen them over and over again, they insisted on pausing it for conversation.

“Talk to me,” Sam said.

When Blaine couldn’t make the words come out of his mouth, Sam pulled his roommate to his side in a half hug, half cuddle. That’s all it takes for Blaine to start crying, murmuring about his perfect guy being taken.

“I made it all up in my head, Sam,” Blaine whined.

All that’s heard from their apartment is sobbing and gentle condolences from Sam, who is still confused as to why he’s consoling Blaine at all.

He may have only known about Kurt’s existence for four days but Blaine had been dreaming about him for years. Blaine Anderson had their whole life planned after their first interaction. His middle name was “too much, too soon.” When the Andersons wanted something, they just knew. The depths of his soul knew Kurt was his perfect man.

The fourth time Blaine saw Kurt Hummel was at the club. That Saturday in September after auditions Sam pulled Blaine out of bed to meet up with their friends.

“You’re friends,” Blaine had said, head buried under a pillow.

“OUR friends,” Sam corrected. “Tina loves hanging out with you.”

Sam took the pillow off his face and forced Blaine to sit up by pulling on his arms.

“Because she’s got a crush,” he sighed.

“She knows you’re gay.”

“Gay and depressed,” Blaine told him before pulling the pillow back over his face.

Sam ripped the pillow off and tossed it onto the floor this time and sat Blaine up again.

“Let’s go, you gotta get out of this room. It’s been forever since you’ve seen the world!”

“I was at school yesterday.”

Sam ignored him. “I picked your outfit.”

He held up his choice. The mismatched patterns are enough to get Blaine up and out of bed.

Thank god Sam only wanted to model clothes and someone else would be choosing them.

The rest of the night had been going fine until Blaine caught sight of Kurt. At first, he was captivated by him. Did Kurt Hummel always look like he stepped out of a painting? For a second, Blaine could forget that he wasn’t allowed to want him.

Then, Blaine caught sight of who Kurt was pulling behind him. It all came back full force like someone slapping him across the face.

They were laughing together, probably drunk off each other. What he wouldn’t give to know what he was like to have a man like Kurt look at him like he was currently staring at Adam.

All his earlier feelings, everything Sam hoped he’d drink away, came flowing back. Blaine downed his vodka coke, paid his tab, and asked the bartender to call him a cab.

That was that.

Blaine walked home alone, texting Sam when he got back to their apartment so his roommate wouldn’t worry too much. Then, he locked himself in the bathroom and sunk to the floor.

If this was a movie, Blaine knows there would be heartbreak music playing as a camera zoomed in on his breakdown. It’s not Kurt’s fault that Blaine can’t help but picture a happy ending with every crush he has. They just had so much potential to be a great love story.

Now it was clear that was a story never to be written. If Kurt doesn’t want to be with Blaine then he’s just not the one.

[guiltiest-gear]

Time to drop a whole bunch of songs I like into your inbox with no prior warning because

Fuck Yeah =>

"It's A Joy" "Fiend Like Me" and "Way Deeper Down" all by Stupendium

"Judgement" by TryHardNinja

"To The Bone" by JTMusic

"Alexander Hamilton" and "You'll Be Back" from the musical Hamilton (I've only seen the first half :| oops)

"This December" "Line without a hook" and "Mr Loverman" all by Ricky Montgomery

"The Cult of Dionysus" "Sugar" "I Love the Stars" "Adrianne" "The Queen of White Lies" and "Vampire" all by The Orion Experience

"For The Longest Time" by Billy Joel

"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley (I unironically love this song I get so fucking happy whenever I get rickrolled XD)

"Addicted to Love" by Robert Palmer

"Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

"Welcome to the Black Parade" and "I'm Not Ok (I promise)" by My Chemical Romance

"Sugar We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy

"Written In The Stars" by Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner

"So What" "Fuckin' Perfect" "A Million Dreams" "Funhouse" and "Just Give Me A Reason" all by P!nk ("Just Give Me A Reason" featuring Nate Ruess)

"America's Sweetheart" "Where the Devil Don't Go" and "Song Of Sorrow" by Elle King

"Army of Two" "Heart Skips a Beat" "Dance with me tonight" "Please Don't Let Me Go" "Thinking Of Me" "You Don't Know Love" "Grow Up" and "Years and Years" all by Olly Murs

"Livin' On A Prayer" "Wanted Dead Or Alive" "I'll Be There For You" and "Someday I'll be Saturday Night" all by Bon Jovi

"Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" by Set It Off

"Karma" by AJR

"Can't Go To Hell" by Sin Shake Sin

And then rounding off the list with a few vocaloid songs I like...

"Rolling Girl" "Mind Brand" "Again" "Echo" "Bad Apple" "Copycat" "The Court Jester" and "Envy Baby"

Obviously these are just my personal recommendations and I know that not everything here will be to everyone's tastes, but if you're interested in listening to any of these you have a list of them!

(I basically gave you a list of pretty much every song in my music collection excluding various covers, a christmas song, a couple I'm not so certain about sharing, a couple of other songs I'm more neutral on, and the 50+ "Rolling Girl" covers I have links and files saved for in my music hoard discord server)

(I...really like "Rolling Girl" XD)

(Oh, also, if you want links to any of these lmk, I can get you some)

Cherry

Damn this is a list

I'll check some of these out when I have the time

[clumsyclifford]

yayayy good mood!! 12, 25, 28, 54, 63, 92! I'm using up all the music ones sue me

hgfdlghkgj adorable i love you so much

12. name of your favorite playlist? bro my favorite playlist changes so much. like right now i've been listening a lot to the state champs of what? (which is my complete works of sc playlist) or state champs but it's just bangers playlists because...duh. but in general i default to the LISTEN TO MEEEEEE playlist because it's always the songs i'm currently into. oh also lately i've been listening to men ain't shit.

25. first song you remember hearing? oh dude i have NO idea. okay i'm just gonna go by my oldest memory even though i can't really tell which memories are older than other memories but. basket case by green day. which is a weird one bc i DEFINITELY was not like "raised" on green day, my parents don't listen to green day, they listen to israeli music and billy joel and stuff but for some reason we had that one song on our itunes and i feel like i remember arguing with my older sister about it because i was so sure the song was called "paranoid" because they say that in the chorus of the song and she was saying it was called basket case but i was like how can that be the title if they never say it in the song!!!!! so there's my answer.

28. five songs to describe you? would you believe i have a playlist for this! here we go:

naive by andy grammer - this is literally me in a song. "call me naive, but i believe we're gonna be okay" ??????? get out of my head

i spend too much time in my room by the band camino - get out of my head part 2

lover/loner by nightly - "part of me wishes i was someone else while the other part's always narcissistic as hell" :) "part of me depressed while the other side's happy, fear of missing out but i hate going to parties" :)))))

turning out by ajr - it's not about the story specifically (obviously i've never been in love) but the chorus...and the vibes...half of ajr's discography is highly relatable in a painful way tho so jot that down

prom dress by mxmtoon - this is kinda cheating but this song literally describes my experience like i, too, was sitting here crying in my prom dress my senior year lmao so i feel like i can say it

54. what did you learn from your first job? mmmm what WAS my first job? technically i worked at a farmer's market and uhhh. what DID i learn. good question. how to use a till? i guess? also i memorized the prices for a bunch of different produce. maybe that. idk i learned a lot more from my second job (the summer camp one i still have lmao) but you didn't ask about my second job!

63. five songs that would play in your club? MY CLUB? what a question......

soulmate by lizzo. also rumors by lizzo. i'm putting both lizzo songs in one here because otherwise i will just list her entire discography

see through by the band camino because i like to sing the chorus really fast it's fun

english love affair by 5sos, certified Fucking Banger

not to be basic but either good 4 u or brutal by olivia rodrigo <3

this is a really hard question it's like a six hundred-way tie. i'm gonna end it with...weightless by all time low. another slightly basic answer but imagine how much fun that would be

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? depends what i need the light for!!! but in general, overhead lights. though i do prefer fluorescent/bluish white to incandescent/yellow. for selfie reasons.

weird asks that say a lot

[dalishious]

not da but I'm getting into Canadian music, I think you've mentioned before you like the tragically hip, what do you think of sloan? any other bands and artists to consider?

There’s a reason The Tragically Hip is so beloved in this country. Their songs aren’t just songs, they’re poetry. If you want to check them out, I recommend starting with the album Yer Favourites, which is a collection of their top songs voted by fans. And also I’d like to give a special shoutout to what I consider to be an extremely underrated album: We Are The Same. Most people will tell you Fully Completely is their best one, but there isn’t a single song in We Are The Same that I don’t love. (Especially Country Days, The Depression Suite, Coffee Girl, and of course, Now The Struggle Has a Name...)

Sloan has some good ones, and I’d be a poor Nova Scotian not to say that lol. If you like any of The Hip’s songs that have a more pop-ish vibe, you’ll probably like them.

Anyway, some more recommendations, only English unless you’re open to some French as well, let me know:

MATTHEW GOOD. MATTHEW GOOD. MATTHEW GOOD. (Before going solo, Matthew Good Band.) One of my all time favourite artists. I recently shared my playlist of my favourites on my main blog if you’re interested. Also just like The Hip, his lyrics are more often than not very poetic, and I love that. Especially given a number of them come from personal places and I’ll just say if you have any mental disorders yourself there’s a good chance you’ll be able to really feel when he sings about his own. Anyway, my two favourite albums in particular are Hospital Music and Avalanche, with Moving Walls and Underdogs (Matthew Good Band) close behind.

Our Lady Peace is fantastic. I recommend starting with the albums Gravity and Clumsy.

The Stanfields are a fun mix of what they call Folk’n’Roll. Check out their albums Vanguard of the Young & Reckless and Death & Taxes for sure. (Oh fuck, also check out the video for Afraid of the World because the end of it gets me every time... white woman walks around scoffing at all the pumpkin heads, then goes home and puts on her pumpkin head.)

If you’re interested in another really great mix of Atlantic Folk and alternative rock, I suggest Joel Plaskett / Joel Plaskett Emergency. Start with either the Joel Plaskett Emergency album Ashtray Rock, or the solo Joel Plaskett album Three. Also the album Solidarity he did with his father, Bill Plaskett, is beautiful. The Next Blue Sky is one of my favourite songs ever.

Matt Mays is one more Atlantic Folksy rock guy. Once Upon a Hell of a Time and Twice Upon a Hell of a Time (acoustic versions of Once) are a perfect starting point in my opinion, though most fans of his would tell you to start with the album Coyote, which is also great!

Arcade Fire is... I’m not really sure how to describe Arcade Fire. I like some of their stuff, but they are something of an acquired taste, I think. Try the album The Suburbs.

If I tell you I adored Avril Lavigne and Billy Talent growing up, would you judge me? Because I did, and I still do. If you’re willing to keep an open mind, try Avril Lavigne’s albums Under My Skin and Let Go, and if you’re in a real angsty mood, try Billy Talent’s albums Dead Silence and Hits. (I would especially recommend trying Billy Talent if you like bands like say, Green Day and MCR.)

Okay, some more classics... Rush, The Guess Who, Bachman-Turner Overdrive (BTO), and April Wine are all great. They all have greatest hits / best of albums, so just start there.

Oh shit, I almost forgot Bryan Adams, AKA the Canadian Bruce Springsteen. Though you’ll have trouble finding one of my favourite songs by him, so here it is.

I also feel like I needn’t even bother mentioning Neil Young since I’m assuming you him before, but... yeah. Neil Young, obviously.

EDIT: AAHHH forgot Great Big Sea! Check out their album Play.

EDIT: Yes I love Nickelback too. Sue me.

EDIT: I forgot, Alanis Morissete is Canadian. Listen to her Jagged Little Pill album if you’ve never done so before.

EDIT: I had no idea Three Days Grace was Canadian??? One-X and Human are my favourite albums by them, but Life Starts Now is also pretty up there. (Similar vibes to Bily Talent, but I’d say even more angsty lol)

I also wanna give a particular shoutout to at least some albums from my fave Canadian Indigenous artists:

Shawnee deserves so many more listeners please check her out. Her only full album as of now is Let It Burn, but she’s also got a bunch of released singles. 

Buffy Sainte-Marie’s Medicine Songs and The Best Of

Jeremy Dutcher’s Wolastoqiyik Lintuwakonawa... I know I said I’d limit reccomendations to English but I can’t help it.

Susan Aglukark’s This Child

Adrian Sutherland is a newbie, but I am begging everyone reading this to check out his song Politician Man. Needless to say, I look forward to hearing more from him.

[365days365movies]

February 1, 2021: Dirty Dancing (1987)

There are two people to credit for the beginning of this month. The first is my girlfriend, who asked that I represent her with this GIF.

Thank you, dear. Anyway, this is one of her favorite romance films, and she’s also not a big romance movie person. She was shocked that I hadn’t seen it, and that’s because of the second person to credit here: my Mom.

That is my Mom in the late ‘80s with her Pomeranian, Pugsley. Yup. This is just the GODDAMN SURFACE of my Mom, who’s quirky as shit. Love her for it, though. But, OK, why is my Mom involved here? Because this is also one of her favorite films. My Dad’s, too, but I’ll talk more about him in April.

However, if you read the Romance February introduction from yesterday, you might be wondering something. If my Mom’s taste in romance movies was so prevalent in my early life, how in the hell have I never seen this movie, one of her favorites? Especially considering the fact that, TMI here, but I WAS BORN TO THE FILM’S SOUNDTRACK. YES. REALLY. HOW HAVE I ESCAPED THIS MOVIE?

Yup. No clue. Shall we remedy that? SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

It’s 1963 in the Catskills, where Frances “Baby” Houseman (Jennifer Grey), a politically conscious young woman on her way into the Peace Corps, is going on vacation with her parents, Jake and Majorie Houseman (Jerry Orbach and Kelly Bishop), and her sister, Lisa (Jane Brucker). The owner, Max Kellerman (Jack Weston), who’s a friend of the Housemans, welcomes them to the resort.

Later that night, Max is briefing the young male waiters and entertainment, all of whom are hired from Ivy League universities. Well...except for the intriguing young dance instructor in the sunglasses. THAT...would be Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze).

I wanna just say before I forget, I miss Patrick Swayze. He’s awesome, and he left far too soon.

The next night, during dinner, Max introduces Baby to his grandson, Neil (Lonny Price), who’s just graduated from Cornell’s Hotel Management school. A school which, for the record, is the best hotel school in the USA, and second or third in the world. Also, hotelies (that’s what we called them) are CRAZY. They’re an interesting...bunch...

I, uh... I went to CornellMOVING ON

As Neil awkwardly hits on Baby, everybody encourages them having a relationship, despite her CLEARLY not wanting any of this. She instead watches Johnny skillfully mambo with another girl on center floor. After being roped into a magic act by Neil, and given a chicken by Stan (Wayne Knight, which I’m a fan of), she leaves, annoyed and irritated.

On her way back, she sees Johnny’s cousin, Billy (Neal Jones) struggling with a few GIGANTIC watermelons. She offers to help him, and he brings her to a secret house party, where some dancing’s happening. Some...dirty dancing.

Interesting side note here: racial integration! In 1963, remember, so that’s interesting. I mean, if anybody’s a fan of that, it’s gonna be me. At the party, Johnny arrives with Penny Johnson (Cynthia Rhodes), his dance partner from the mambo floor. Johnny sees her there, and questions her presence, to which she makes an adorably awkward comment. And then...they do a dance of their own.

The next day, Lisa makes a love connection with one of the waiters, and asks Baby to cover for her. Baby also speaks to Penny, who doesn’t come from the best background. That night, Penny’s missing, and Neil gives Cornell students just the WORST goddamn name as he very awkwardly hits on Baby. He takes her to the kitchen, and that’s where Baby sees Penny.

Yeah, Penny’s not OK. Baby goes to Billy and Johnny, who go to get her. Turns out Penny’s pregnant, but Johnny’s not the father. They’re obviously quite close, although they aren’t romantically tangled. Baby, coming from a place of much higher privilege, doesn’t quite understand how difficult this is. Penny berates her for this, and it’s revealed that the father is Robbie Gould (Max Cantor), one of the waiters, who’s also the guy that’s been hanging around Lisa.

Baby confronts him the following day, where he states that “Some people count, some people don’t.” He also offers her a copy of The Fountainhead, a well-known book for complete and utter douchenozzles. She warns him to stay away from her sister, then goes to ask her father for money for the abortion. Which, by the way, was very illegal in 1963. She gets the money from her dad, who gives it without asking many questions.

However, there’s an issue; Johnny and Penny have to dance on the only night she can get the abortion. And there’s nobody to replace her...except maybe Baby? Johnny’s entirely against it, they end up convincing him, for Penny’s sake. And now, we get a hallmark of ‘80s cinema: the training montage.

This is a pretty good time to note three things. One, Jennifer Grey is the daughter of Joel Grey, one of the GREATEST actor/dancers ever to grace Hollywood and Broadway. Dude was one of the main characters in Cabaret, for which he won an Oscar, and originated the role of the Wizard of Oz in Wicked. So, yeah, she’s got dancing blood. Secondly, Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey apparently HATED each other. Yeah, kind of a bummer. But their chemistry was SO GODDAMN POWERFUL, that they were able to push through their feelings and do this as well as they are. And third...THIS SOUNDTRACK BOPS. 

I get it. I GET IT.

Something else I get, too. The chemistry between Grey and Swayze really does sizzle, GODDAMN. Over the course of the montage, they clearly get closer emotionally...and physically. And yeah, it’s definitely there. Although, given the fact that they’re from different class backgrounds, it’s probably gonna be one of those stories. Well, OK. Let’s do it.

After a little too much time practicing, the two take a break. And yet, while on a nature excursion, they continue their training in different environments. Most iconically, they practice lifts in the lake.

Yeah...yeah, I get it.

The day approaches, and Baby and Penny have a bit of a heart-to-heart. Penny asks Lisa to cover for her (and I’m betting that she won’t, LIKE AN ASSHOLE), and she heads to the dance gig. It mostly goes OK, but the lift is aborted at the last second. However, the performance is still received well. They leave JUST before an elderly couple from the resort sees them. 

Johnny gives her a pep-talk, telling her that she did well, and the music on the car radio hints at their growing mutual attraction. But once they get there, tragedy’s struck. Turns out that the abortion doctor was a dangerous quack, and Penny’s now dangerous injured, in pain and possibly dying. Panicking, Baby does THE RIGHT THING, I can’t stress that enough, THE RIGHT GODDAMN THING, and gets her doctor father.

Understandably upset (and yeah, it is understandable, all things considered), Dr. Houseman forbids Baby from seeing Johnny or any of the others ever again. This situation...sucks. Damn. And Baby agrees, as she sneaks off to see Johnny anyway. She apologizes to Johnny for how her father treated her, but Johnny blames his own social status for it, rather than her father.

Their conversation becomes very real, and eventually turns into Baby declaring her love for Johnny. As a song comes on the radio, she asks him to dance with her. Giving in to his own feelings, he agrees. And together they engage in some...Dirty Dancing.

As the two dirty dance horizontally, the night turns to day. That morning, things are definitely awkward between Baby and her father, who almost takes his family away that night. But, his wife and Lisa convince him to stay. He even comes back to visit Penny, checking in to make sure she’s alright, which Baby finds out once she does the same.

Things are also a little awkward between Baby and Johnny, interestingly. Wonder how last night ended. Well, Penny figures it out, and warns Johnny about the risks off getting involved with the upper class. Which, remember, is how she ended up this way. The two have a tense-but-intimate exchange. Which just preludes this IMMEDIATELY happening.

Yeah, that’s not a surprise. Well, more heart-to-heart proceeds, and they continue to learn about each other’s lives. That night, Lisa tells Baby that she wants to go all the way with Robbie. Despite Baby’s warnings, Lisa simply tells her off, and is generally, I’ll be honest, a bitch. The next morning, though, Baby and Johnny have another dance session. And it’s THAT session. You know the one.

Neil interrupts, and proceeds to give a bad name to Cornellians everywhere (I’m not like that putz, I SWEAR), and pisses off Johnny in the process. She asks why he didn’t stand up for himself, and then immediately hides Johnny from her father, who’s walking with Robbie and Lisa. Rightfully calling her a hypocrite, he storms off.

And then they immediately resolve it. Which, GODDAMN, do I appreciate. Robbie strolls by, makes a typical crass comment about Baby, and then Johnny BEATS THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM

OH FUCK YES. And if that wasn’t enough catharsis, Lisa catches Robbie with one of the high society wives from earlier, as they sleep together in a cabin. OH. YES. THAT’S SOME GOOOOOOOOOOOOD SHIT.

Baby and Johnny, in the actual good and fully-developed relationship of this movie, spend the night together. And are seen the next morning by the high society wife, who had the hots for Johnny.

The wife, Vivian (Miranda Garrison), implicates Johnny in stealing a wallet. Johnny’s about to be fired, and then BABY ADMITS THAT THEY WERE TOGETHER IN FRONT OF HER FATHER HOLY FUCK

She did it. She actually did it. Goddamn. And then, AND THEN, she TELLS HER FATHER OFF AND CALLS HER OUT FOR HIS ELITISM HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MOVIE. And then, Jerry Orbach fuckin’ starts tearing up, and I AM SHOOK MOTHERFUCKER

And yet, even though the wallets were actually stolen by an elderly couple that Baby actually implicated, Johnny gets fired anyway. GODDAMN. After Baby completely loses heart, Johnny confronts her father, and learns that he believes that he was the one who got Penny pregnant. Johnny semi-tells him off, then walks away.

At his car, Johnny and Baby say goodbye with a kiss, and Johnny heads off forever. I mean, probably not, there’s a good 16 minutes left, and we haven’t gotten to the most iconic scene of the film yet. But anyway, Baby mourns her lost relationship, and her sister actually bonds with her over this whole thing. Hot damn.

I want to punch Neil in the goddamn face. Mostly just because he’s on screen, but also because he LITERALLY ruins the goddamn anthem of Cornell University, by setting the anthem for the resort against its melody. Goddamn you, Neil. GODDAMN YOU. Also, fuck Robbie, because he LITERALLY OUTS HIMSELF to Dr. Houseman as Penny’s former deadbeat partner. As the anthem continues (to my rage), who shows up but Johnny, who comes to stick up for Baby and all she’s done.

He brings her up on stage, and interrupts the anthem (THANK YOU CHRIST) to perform the last dance of the season, as he always does. Despite Dr. Houseman’s would-be objections (prevented by his wife, who has moved up on my list of favorite characters), the two are left alone on stage. And that...is when the song plays. YOU KNOW THE GODDAMN SONG

Y’know, it’s funny, because this song is definitely an ‘80s song, making this whole sequence pretty goddamn anachronistic, but WHO CARES!? It’s one of the most iconic sequences in film history, especially of the era, and I love the hell out of it. The crowd cheers, the rest of the kids join in, the lift happens, father and daughter make up, everybody dances, I dance with my girlfriend, I LOVE IT! They kiss, they dance and the film fades to black.

Dirty Dancing! See you in the Review! Oh, I’m changing the name of that section, by the way. Alongside a few more things. You’ll see.

[nerianasims]

Billboard #1s 1983

Under the cut.

Toto -- "Africa" -- February 5, 1983

This song becoming massively popular recently sort of mystifies me. But maybe it shouldn't; the music is very pretty, and we've been short on popular music that goes for "pretty" for a long time. The lyrics... I really don't know. The best explanation I've seen was someone joking on Tumblr that maybe the narrator's a werewolf. I'm sure that wasn't the intent, but it's what I'm going with. It is a good song, entirely because of the music.

Patti Austin and James Ingram -- "Baby, Come to Me" -- February 19, 1983

I'm not sure I've ever heard this song before. It's a romantic duet. It's not annoying or anything, it's fine, but now that I've heard it I think I'm probably about to forget it again immediately.

Michael Jackson -- "Billie Jean" -- March 5, 1983

This song, I've heard. A whole hell of a lot. Like everyone else, we had the Thriller album (or tape, rather.) Actually I had it -- for some reason, Thriller was seen as some kind of child's first pop album. Every kid I knew had it. (And since seeing Leaving Neverland, that has been very creepy to me.) As for me, I'd put it on and dance, especially to this song. I pretty much understood what the song was about, and even got the "His eyes looked like mine" line. I didn't have an opinion on whether or not the kid was his son. It didn't matter; it was entirely about the music. Which is truly great.

Dexys Midnight Runners -- "Come On Eileen" -- April 23, 1983

Until the last couple years, I didn't entirely know what this song was about, because I couldn't understand Kevin Rowland's weird singing outside the chorus. I got that he wanted Eileen, and that this was about the combination of arrogance and horniness of youth. I did not know about all the references to the previous generation's pop culture, with an obvious inference that they felt the same way at one time. Also about Margaret Thatcher's intentional destruction of her own country's society. You don't have to think about any of that to enjoy the song if you don't want to, though. It's a fun dance song as well as being complex lyrically.

Michael Jackson -- "Beat It" -- April 30, 1983

This is the Michael Jackson song I remember being played on the radio by far the most when I was a child. It's basically the main background song of a couple years of my childhood. It's a hard-driving song about how you should run away from a physical fight rather than die. "It doesn't matter/ Who's wrong or right." Yes. It's rock, and it's dance, and it's... probably really great? I don't know, some things are too formative.

David Bowie -- "Let's Dance" -- May 21, 1983

"Put on your red shoes and dance the blues" makes no sense. But this is David Bowie; he knew that. It's part of the point. While this song is perfectly feasable to dance to, it's not really a dance song. It's achingly romantic and not the tiniest bit soppy, with music that's both accessible and fascinating. And my god Bowie could sing. I love it so much.

Irene Cara -- "Flashdance... What A Feeling" -- May 28, 1983

I didn't see Flashdance until college, when my roommates decided we would watch a bunch of cheesy 80s movies because it seemed a brilliant thing to do. It was, actually. Some of them even turned out to be good. Not Flashdance. Flashdance is memorably stupid, at least -- it doesn't hold back. It's extremely entertaining because it's deeply unintentionally hilarious. This song, though, I've heard a lot since it came out. The song is much better than the movie. It's got a wide-eyed optimism that's appealing, and the music is fun.

The Police -- "Every Breath You Take" -- July 9, 1983

I remember people periodically insisting that many, many women don't understand this song and think it's just romantic. I have never met any of these women. I have a feeling it was only a few, and that got blown up into some kind of crisis, as things do. Especially when people can imagine angelic airheaded women being dumb and somehow inviting abuse from those scary scary men. That's a favorite hobby for many. Anyway. It's a really good song that gets into the mindset of a really bad man -- or of a man who's currently imagining being really bad but is going to wake up, deal with his hangover, and get on with life. It's not a comfortable song, and that is good. Also Sting's hot.

Eurythmics -- "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" -- September 3, 1983

Usually repetitive songs drive me nuts. This song is incredibly repetitive lyrically. I love the lyrics, though. And musically, it changes up just enough to keep my interest. It's almost hypnotic. Apparently, Annie Lennox can do whatever she likes with me. Speaking of "some of them want to be abused"...

Michael Sembello -- "Maniac" --  September 10, 1983

The original demo of this song was about a serial killer, and it sounds like it, with the Psycho-like musical parts. It's not a dance song at all. Michael Sembello worked with Stevie Wonder during his best years, but he's no Stevie Wonder. He has that 70s light rock white guy voice, and it doesn't fit this song. If he'd handed this to another singer, it would have been better. Though still goofy, because it's music about a serial killer wedded to a story about a dancer. Many of the lines don't seem to have been changed either: "On the ice-blue line of insanity/ Is a place most never see." And  okay, that's a good line; I wouldn't want to leave it out either.

Also my aunt is a professional dancer (mostly choreographer now), so I've seen quite a bit into the professional dance world, and it is seriously unhealthy. It seems to be getting better, at least in modern dance, but the reason my aunt didn't go farther as a ballerina and switched to modern dance is that she could not get skinny enough for the fashion in ballet, no matter what she did. We're a muscular family with solid bones, and she couldn't get rid of that. She's got an eating disorder still though. Professional dance is harsh and terrible, and probably kills more women than serial killers do.

That's what I think of when I hear this song.

Billy Joel -- "Tell Her About It" -- September 24, 1983

Billy Joel's best songs didn't make it to #1, but that's almost always the way. This bouncy throwback of a song is still fun. With most excellent advice: "Tell her about it/ Tell her everything you feel/ Give her every reason/ To accept that you're for real." (It occurs to me that my husband is the first guy I dated who did that actually while we were dating, as opposed to waiting until after we broke up. Most of the guys I dated did not take in "I will not get back together with you if we break up." Not my fault; I told them about it.) Anyway, this isn't as good as "Big Shot," or "You May Be Right," or "My Life," or a whole lot of other Billy Joel songs I like a lot better, but it's pretty good.

Bonnie Tyler -- "Total Eclipse of the Heart" -- October 1, 1983

Melodrama, I love it. This song is so Great -- big, fantastical, unembarrassed, and awesome in both meanings of the term. Bonnie Tyler knows her strengths and has no hesitation about using that huge voice, and yet she doesn't oversing, either. The lyrics? Hell if I know. To me, it sounds like that part of a relationship where you're losing yourself and can't think about anything but the other person, and especially about having sex with the other person. But whatever else it is, it's poetry. And big thunder crashes. Which is a lot like falling in love. It's not necessarily happy. It just is.

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton -- "Islands In the Stream" -- October 29, 1983

Going from "Total Eclipse of the Heart" to this song induces emotional whiplash. The opening goes "Baby, when I met you/ There was peace unknown." That's the exact opposite of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." What is the same as "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is that the lyrics make no actual sense -- but of course they don't, this thing was written by the Bee Gees. Nonsensical lyrics can be poetic, but the Bee Gees didn't do poetry, at least not good poetry. Oh well, it's probably their most tolerable song. It's a sweet and light song, and I'm sure the narrators will be very happy together. They sound exceedingly "emotionally healthy." But as art, I prefer the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" take. Also I think this song might have been better with just Dolly Parton. Kenny Rogers was good, but he couldn't match Dolly.

Lionel Richie -- "All Night Long" -- November 12, 1983

Lionel Richie puts on a fake Jamaican accent for this thing. Also he makes up pseudo-African chants. I'm not going to go all "j'accuse!", at least not of problematicicity. No, I am accusing him instead of being annoying. Also dull. This is a party song, but an extremely boring one. Also Richie kind of tries to do an "ow" thing, obviously inspired by Michael Jackson, but of course it doesn't work. It's still not terrible. Unlike all the gloop Richie made, I can listen to the whole thing. The drums --  or drum machine, rather -- have a neat beat, and there are some good horns and other musical touches.

Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson -- "Say Say Say" -- December 10, 1983

Well this is weird. I can't remember ever having heard this song before. The song is about begging someone not to "play games with my affection." And it sounds like the two men are singing to each other, regardless of the lyric about getting through to a "girl." It's not bad -- Michael Jackson gives Paul McCartney the musical edge that he'd lost as soon as he left the Beatles. Strong beat, harmonica and all. But I'm not going to seek it out, either. I think the beat's too repetitive. Also it feels too busy.

BEST OF 1983 -- "Let's Dance" by David Bowie, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, and "Sweet Dreams" by The Eurythmics. Great year for the pop charts. WORST OF 1983 -- There aren't any that I think are truly terrible this year, so I guess I'll go with "Baby, Come to Me," because as predicted, I have already forgotten it.

[mst3kproject]

Tobor the Great

This was a movie YouTube thought I ought to watch. It’s so bad even Leonard Maltin didn’t like it.

Two scientists, Dr. Harrison and Dr. Nordstrom, are concerned about the effects of space travel on the human body, and so they attempt to convince the Civil Interplanetary Flight Commission (think NASA, but with funding) to use an alternative form of test pilot.  No, sit down, dog- and monkey-lovers in the audience, I’m talking about a huge, unwieldy, unnecessarily humanoid robot!  Obviously, foreign agents want to steal this machine and turn it into a huge, unwieldy weapon instead of a huge, unwieldy astronaut, but Nordstrom’s grandson Brian saves the day using his special telepathic link with Tobor!

The movie does not believe we’re smart enough to figure out why the robot’s name is Tobor.  It spells it out for us, literally and on more than one occasion.

Tobor the Great is a children’s movie – the main character is eleven-year-old Brian, who is mostly addressed by his nickname, Gadget or Gadge.  He’s established as an engineering genius in his own right, who gets to hang around in his grandfather’s lab and make friends with this cool robot.  He’s what every white American boy in the 50’s was supposed to want to be.  All of which makes it sort of weird that we don’t meet him until nearly fifteen minutes into the movie.

Consider some better children’s movies.  In Coco, Miguel is the literal as well as the metaphorical narrator – we begin with his voice telling us the backstory.  Lilo and Stitch gives us one title character almost immediately, and then brings in the second as quickly as it can to get us to the point where they meet.  Of course, you don’t have to introduce the main character first in a movie, but if you’re going to put it off you have to do it skillfully.  Star Wars takes its time getting around to Luke Skywalker, but it’s already given us somebody to follow in the form of C-3P0 and R2-D2, who make good audience proxies because 3P0 doesn’t know what’s going on any more than we do.  Tobor the Great lets nearly a quarter of its running time go by before we finally meet Gadge, and even more before we get to Tobor himself, and that time is spent setting up what seems to be a rather different movie.

The opening does establish the need for Tobor, but it takes way too long about it.  We start with narration and stock footage about the American space program, which is as deathly boring as it always is in these movies. Maybe it seemed more exciting in the fifties, when space rockets were the coolest thing around.  Then we get into Dr. Harrison and his complaints about unsafe practices, which lead to his resignation and to him trying to dodge the press before meeting the likeminded Dr. Nordstrom.

These seem like strange things to put in a children’s movie. I feel that a lot more time is spent justifying the need for a robotic astronaut than is really necessary, and the early close focus on Dr. Harrison makes it seem like he’s going to be our main character – but he fades into the background once we get to Dr. Nordstrom’s lab and at the end he’s not much more than a completely unnecessary love interest for Gadge’s widowed mother.  In Star Wars the two droids stick around and participate in the plot for the whole movie – Dr. Harrison doesn’t.  The politicking within the CIFC is not something children are likely to be interested in, nor is the nagging newspaper man, and all of these scenes are just guys in suits talking.  Very little actually happens and none of it involves robots carrying off beautiful women like the poster shows us!

The annoying reporter is a particularly odd inclusion. His name is Mr. Gilligan, which Joel and the ‘bots would have found hilarious.  I went into Tobor the Great totally blind, having never heard of it when the thumbnail appeared in my YouTube recommendations, but if I’d read a plot summary or something beforehand, maybe I wouldn’t have expected Gilligan to play a major role in the plot.  As it was, I figured he was either a Soviet spy or would unintentionally pass information on to them – but he vanishes after the first press conference, and the question of whether he has the right to compromise national security in the name of selling newspapers is never dealt with.  Instead the spies are a bunch of guys we’ve never seen before.

Once all this is over with, though, we do finally get to see Tobor strut his stuff.  Nordstrom and Harrison work on programming him to do things like type reports to be sent back to Earth and dodge meteor showers (as all 50’s space rockets had to do), while Gadge sits and watches… and does very little else.  You’d think this part of the movie would continue the thread of Gadge being the equal of the adult scientists, maybe overlapping with him and Tobor bonding, but there’s almost none of either.  Why set up Gadge as a prodigy if you’re not going to make use of it?  At the climax we expect Gadge to save the day by figuring something out, as he showed he could do earlier.  Instead he just shuts his eyes and thinks really hard at Tobor, like Ichi trying to summon Gamera. It works, but it’s not as satisfying as it could have been.  At the end the movie has neatly avoided almost all of its potential and anything that might have been cool to watch, and failed to give us anything it seemed to promise.

To make things even worse, Gadge is played by one of those insanely cloying 50’s child actors who say things like “oh, gosh!” and “gee whillikers!”  I cannot imagine anybody actually talking like this.  Actor Billy Chaplin sure makes it sound fake as hell.  While Chaplin is a decent actor physically, everything he says sounds stilted and unnatural, like he’s reading it off notes while trying to project his voice to a full auditorium.  The adult actors are much better, which just makes Chaplin look all the worse by comparison.

Tobor, on the other hand, is wonderful, in the ‘stupid cardboard movie robot’ way that makes Torg from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and the delightfully awful robot of Devil Girl from Mars so much fun.  It’s got lots of blinky lights and moving parts, and stamps around with a pretty convincing sense of weight.  Unlike some movie robots it actually moves at a good clip when it wants to, perhaps helped by the fact that it has working knees.  The movie makes the point that Tobor is a large and dangerous piece of kit at the same time as it’s able to be gentle and dexterous, which reinforces the idea that it would be frightening as a weapon.

My favourite part is when Tobor drives a car.  I wonder if the guy in the costume could see anything. That must have been a hell of a day on set.

What you want me to get back to, though, is the bit where the robot is psychic.  Yes, that’s actually the premise of this movie, a telepathic robot!  I’m not sure how plausible that would have seemed in the 50’s, even in such an explicitly silly movie.  Dr. Nordstrom doesn’t expect the reporters to believe in it without a demonstration, and yet the same decade also produced films like The She-Creature that present such ideas with an entirely straight, albeit incompetent, face.  Psychic powers as hard-ish sci-fi seems to have gone out of style by the 90’s, and nowadays it sounds like something you’d see in the Weekly World News.

Man, I miss the hard copy Weekly World News.  It was so nice to have that little isle of humour in the sea of garbage that was (and still is) the supermarket tabloids.  Remember Hilary Clinton’s space-alien lover?  Classic.

The function of telepathy in this story is not just to give Gadge a way to summon the robot after the spies break Nordstrom’s control mechanism.  It is also a means whereby Tobor may acquire human traits and emotions.  How to make a robot feel things is a perennial problem in science fiction… a lot of the time the mechanism is simply glossed over, as an artificial intelligence becomes more human by interacting with humans. Emotions are just chemicals in our brains, though, and the more we learn about how they work, the harder it gets to justify a machine feeling them.  In Star Trek: the Next Generation Data and Lore have a special bit of hardware that must be installed to enable emotions, and really seem like they’re better off without it. In Saturn 3, Hector has a processor made of cloned brain cells that can produce their own chemistry, as well as a direct neural uplink to its programmer.

As such solutions go, I actually kind of like how Tobor the Great goes about it, even if the mechanism is silly.  Rather than having emotions of its own, Tobor senses and mirrors those of the humans around it.  When Gadge is panicking, worrying that Tobor is out of control, Tobor panics and goes around smashing things, thus making for a self-fulfilling prophecy. When Gadge thinks of Tobor as a hero, the robot comes to his rescue, carrying him to safety like a rescued princess, and responds to the anger and rage of the spies by turning these emotions back on them and beating them up.  This is quite different from many ‘emotional machine’ stories, in that it doesn’t actually require Tobor to be in any way self-aware.

Unfortunately the movie is not very consistent about this. There’s a scene in which Tobor gets frustrated and breaks stuff after being put through too challenging a simulation, which does imply that the robot has an intelligence and emotional capacity of its own.  This bit has a purpose, as it serves to make us worry that Tobor will be unable to tell the difference between friend and foe at the finale, but it just doesn’t fit with the way this machine is treated in the rest of the movie.

Like many others both from MST3K and from the Episodes that Never Were, Tobor the Great has a couple of good ideas at its core.  It even predicted how much easier and safer it is to send robots into space than people, although those robots don’t look much like the lumbering humanoids of 50’s sci-fi. Sadly, the film is uneven, rushed, and poorly-acted, and nothing particularly fun or exciting happens in it. Various people over the years have seen its potential and Tobor has starred in a couple of comic books and an unproduced TV pilot, but these never went anywhere either.

[lattelesbean003]

1-50 for the asks lmao (if you feel like it, but you don’t have to lskdjfls)

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m lesbian! 🏳️‍🌈

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

Uhh, I’m really into Haikyuu!! again. I’m still kinda obsessed with Marvel though lol.

3. Ever done any drugs?

Only prescribed drugs.

4. What piercings do you want?

Ohh, so many. I want three piercing on the lobes of both my ears and a couple cartridge piercings. I’ve kinda thought about a nose ring? But I’m not sure. As a start though I need to get over my fear of needles and actually get my ears pierced.

5. How many people have you kissed?

None.

6. Describe your dream home.

Okay okay. I want a one or two bedroom apartment in Montreal, Quebec. (NYC would be the dream but hahahhhh way too expensive). The kitchen would have dark cabinets with a white counter top, a nice deep sink with a movable faucet, obviously a dishwash and stove, a pretty big stainless steel fridge, a stainless steel microwave, and a toaster. I’d have a nice, big, comfy couch in the living room. There’d be lots of plants (I love plants), and a little table by a window for a ‘dining’ room. Bedroom would be big enough to fit a double or queen bed. Oh! I’d also have bookcases everywhere cause I love books and manga lol.

7. Who are you jealous of?

There are a few fanfic writers that I’m jealous of just cause they’re really good at writing and my dumbass feels inferior and bad about myself. It’s one of the things I hate about myself. I get insecure wayyy too easily.

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

Right now, Haikyuu!!. I binged it pretty quickly and it’s turning into a comfort show for me lol.

9. Do you watch porn?

I have before, but it makes me uncomfortable.

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

I do have a blog that I run that I haven’t told anyone about.

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

Florence, Italy. I wanna go back so baddd.

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

Living a good and happy life and not feeling insecure about literally everything

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

No I wouldn’t. Exposing my chest to anyone makes me very uncomfortable. Also, the idea of nipple piercings is very bizarre to me but hey, you do you boo.

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

I would buy way too many books and clothes lmao. Also food. If I didn’t set aside some of it for college, I’d spend it on dumb stuff like that.

15. Are you in a relationship?

No, but I wish. I’d love a girlfriend.

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

Nope!

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

I’m not angry with anyone, just feeling insecure about my relationship with a couple people cause my brain is stupid.

18. What tattoos do you want?

I want a full sleeve tattoo! Idk what the art would be, mostly because I haven’t actually thought about it toooo much because tattoos involve needles and pain and those are two of my biggest fears. (Failure takes the number one spot though.)

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

Oh uh, idk man. I’ve never thought about it. I’d just stick with Jen.

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

For fandoms, Haikyuu!! right now, but I love sweet things way too much. Also, bread.

21. Describe your best friend.

Tall, adventurous, takes no shit, smart

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

@ms-bookdragon ;)

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

I mostly like specific songs, rather than one artist. Here are my top five at the moment:

Piano Man / Billy Joel

My Love Will Never Die / AG, Claire Wyndham

Toss a Coin to Your Witcher / Samual Kim, Black Gryphon (I like the remix more than the original)

Dance Monkey / Tones and I

The Sound of Silence / Disturbed

24. What are three places you want to travel?

I really want to go to Quebec (and I might be able to this summer!!), Japan, and Greece. (I also wanna return to Italy).

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Sharing lots of laughs with friends.

26. What’s your favorite season?

Spring! I don’t mind winter if it snows, but where I live it mostly rains and it’s annoying lol. We’ve only had like, four dry days since the new year.

27. What’s your pet peeve?

LOUD CHEWING OMG I CAN’T STAND IT. Also when anything scraps against metal. Makes me cringe and tense up like nothing else.

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

A gay guy in my chem class. Also my neighbor. They both have very weird senses of humor but I appreciate them lol.

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

Avengers: Endgame. :3 (I will forever hate that movie lol.)

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

Oh god why you gotta do this to me. @voxofthevoid. Ahh he only knows me from my main not my sideblog. 😭

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

Paper books don’t hurt my eyes as much. I don’t think I could read a paper version of a fanfic though.

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

Oh oof, uhh none of them? They’re all kinda shitty worlds lol. 

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

Lots of button-ups and sweaters. Jeans, converse, scarves, nice dresses and skirts. I don’t have a specific wardrobe, I mostly buy whatever catches my eye.

34. What’s your coffee order?

Depends on my mood, but I mostly buy ice caps at Tim Hortons. Sometimes a french vanilla. At proper coffee shops, I buy a latte or mocha. I can’t handle a normal latte yet though, so it’s normally a caramel latte or something. At Starbucks, I typically buy a caramel frappuccino. When it’s cold, a mocha latte. (The peppermint mocha is yummy.)

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Nope, kinda wish I did though. 

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

Nope! I have on ex and mostly avoid him lol.

37. Have any tattoos?

No, but as I mentioned above I’d love a full sleeve tattoo.

38. Do you drink?

Nah, I’m still underage, alcohol is gross, and I’m not popular enough to be invited to parties.

39. Are you a virgin?

Yis. Still haven’t gotten my first kiss too.

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

No

41. How many followers do you have?

On this account, tumblr claims 39, but it’s actually 24 lmao. I have a joint account with another person that has over 1000 followers though.

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

She has a long mousy brown hair, a bunch of ear piercings, really adorable dimples, and a very nice smile. I’m like 99% she’s straight though.

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

I indulge too much in junk food. 

44. Do you read erotica?

Yupp. I mean, if you count fanfic with sex in them plus the occasional doujinshi.

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

The one date I’ve been on wasn’t too bad, but the dude I went out with thought we were a couple after the one date. I feel kinda bad because I led him on for two weeks, unsure how to break it to him that I discovered I was gay soooo.

46. How many people do you follow?

100, but like over half of them aren’t very active.

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

Hmmmmmmm. I don’t have a specific crush on anyone, but maybe Sebastian Stan just cause I wanna be his friend. He’s too old though lol.

48. Describe your ideal partner.

A girl (obviously), who’s could drag me to social events, but also enjoy a quiet night at home. Funny, encouraging/supportive, kind. Also lots of cuddles. I love cuddling and hand holding, plus cheek kisses!! Ahhh

49. Who do you text the most?

Two of my irl friends. They’re both great. I also text the person I have a joint blog with.

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

A warm spring day. The sun isn’t too hot, the grass is a lush green, and there’s only a handful of clouds in the sky. On the flip side, if I don’t have to go to school, I love snow. Walking around my neighborhood when it’s totally quiet and peaceful is one of my favorite things to do.

[mindlikeaninja]

A/S/L??

@queen-o-castle tagged me in this Get-to-Know-You post, and it made me so reminiscent of high school Hotmail email chains with my friends which were then immediately uploaded to my Xanga page that I just had to do it. Besides, who doesn’t like talking about themselves and pretending like people care?? Have fun stealing my identity!!

Also, in true email quiz chain fashion, I’m going to tag a person or two that I know, but also a bunch that I have a Tumblr crush on and think they’re amazing and I just want to draw doodly hearts around their usernames. I’m gonna go change my AIM away message and get butterflies when I hear the door opening .wav file play.

@caffeinewineo​ @lostandfoundinthebackofmymind​ @l0vegl0wsinthedark​ @bixgirl1​ @wilwheaton​ (because you never know, maybe he misses Xanga too) @bunjywunjy​ @pearl-likes-pi​

Name/Alias: Melissa. I have had so many usernames in the past (but this is my super secret Tumblr blog so don’t go stalking me okay??) like mgmdrums, tsoliastra, melissapocalypse, and my favorite from the days of Yahoo, djfanatic (short for Daniel Jackson Fanatic).

Birthday: March 29th. Shared with the lovely Marina Sirtis, the brilliant Eric Idle, and the indomitable Lucy Lawless.

Zodiac: Aries af. My sister is way more into it and could tell you shit about my moon signs and I don’t know, what Jupiter’s moons were gossiping about when I was born or something. I just know I’m stubborn and genuinely have no fucks to give.

Height: 5′ 7″. My whole extended family is tall.

Hobbies: Playing the same 2 video game franchises repeatedly (Mass Effect and Dragon Age). Rewatching the same shows/movies repeatedly. Rereading books I’ve already read and occasionally sneaking in a new one periodically. Sleeping (legitimately, depression is a bitch). Eating (the weight gain has happened, might as well run with it. Well....not run, obviously. Sit with it, maybe). Cuddling with my 4 cats. Starting projects/hobbies and then getting bored with them after a week or less (drawing, making candles, knitting, etc.)

Favorite colors: I don’t know that I have a specific one anymore, but blues are probably my most frequent go-to. I like deep, darker colors. Eggplant, a rich burgundy, deep emerald, etc. Pastels are too nice for me, and I’m not really a neon person.

Favorite books: This is a deep, deep well of obsession, so here goes: The Vorkosigan Saga, by Lois McMaster Bujold. It’s 15+ book series that primarily follows Miles Vorkosigan, a brilliant strategist who probably has bipolar disorder and is a mix between Sherlock Holmes, Vash the Stampede, and Tyrion Lannister (heavy on the Vash, he gets in more trouble than seems physically possible, and on the Tyrion for multiple reasons). Except it’s so much more than that, and I’m obsessed with this series almost as much as I am Dragon Age and Mass Effect, and I wish more people had heard of it. If you’re at all interested ask me ask me ask me and I would love to talk to you about it. Or don’t, because I might not shut up. ------ Beyond that series, I like the Artemis Fowl series, the Ender’s Game series, and the Outlander series (I love long, long stories) just to name a few. Another favorite that even less have heard of than the Vorkosigan Saga: The Saga of Pliocene Exile/Intervention/The Galactic Milieu Trilogy, by Julian May. It’s a sort of convoluted and confusing series to explain, but it’s 3 series of books that utilize time travel (spoiler) and so the end of one takes you back to the beginning of another and it just loops. It’s amazing and I love it so, so much. I’m so sad that nobody seems to have ever heard of it.

Last song listened to: "Piano Man”, by Billy Joel. It actually was on the radio, which bears mentioning because he’s my favorite musical artist of all time and I have every single one of his albums on CD and know all the words to almost all of them (I don’t know his Attila stuff, mainly because the quality is....not great).

Last movie watched: Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus. It made me very, very happy.

Inspiration for muse: I’m not very creative, so I get less “inspiration to create via muse” and more “inspiration to clean my house because someone’s coming over”. A lot of the new things I try are things I’ve seen my friends doing and it seems fun, or I feel like I should try to do something to better things for my cats. I used to play piano and percussion both pretty significantly (got a scholarship for them, and was actually pretty fucking good at it). But I don’t play anymore, and that was pretty much my only artistic output.

Dream job: I loved working on a college campus. I was an admin assistant for student conduct and what was basically the students’ social worker. I’d love to have some sort of administrative role in the student support services arena. I don’t know that I need to be the one meeting with them face-to-face, but I want to be involved in it somehow.

Meaning behind my URL: I love webcomics (seriously, I have probably 30 different webcomics that I’m currently keeping up with, maybe more, and a bunch more that have ended that I read when they were still going). One of them is Sheldon Comics, by Dave Kellett.  His strip on Aug. 11, 2006 is as follows:

It just stuck with me. Okay I’m done. And I’m sorry.

[analogscum]

HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985, d. Krishna Shah)

NOTE: I RECOMMEND WATCHING HARD ROCK ZOMBIES BEFORE READING THIS REVIEW IF YOU WANT TO AVOID SPOILERS!

Human ambition is a funny thing. It can lead to great triumphs, but also great tragedies. Without human ambition, we would not have rock n’ roll, the most vital of American art forms. On the other hand, human ambition also lead the Third Reich to exterminate more than six million Jews, Catholics, homosexuals, physically and mentally handicapped, and Romani people. How does this tie in to today’s film, Hard Rock Zombies? Well, for now, let’s just say that it is a testament to both sides of the coin of human ambition that the sickos who made Hard Rock Zombies said to themselves, we’re going to make Hard Rock Zombies…and then actually went out and made Hard Rock Zombies. I’m honestly not sure if I mean that as a compliment or not.

We open on two metalheads riding a T-Bird convertible down a winding desert road. Lo and behold, they stumble upon a buh-buh-buh-baaaaabe hitchhiking. What are they gonna do, NOT invite this bodacious blonde into their sweet ride? We now cut to a dwarf with an eyepatch and a troll dancing around with a guy holding a camera by a river. You read that right. The metalheads and the blonde pull up on the other side of the river, strip down to their skivvies, and do a little skinny dipping. Suddenly, she drowns each of them one by one! And also does something else, because the water turns blood red, but I have no idea what that could be. The camera guy takes pictures of this gristly scene, while the dwarf and the troll celebrate the carnage. They chop off one of the victims’ hands, blondie picks it up and sings “I wanna hold your hand.” Again, you read all of that right.

Cut to: our heroes, the band, whom the movie never bothers to name (seriously, this band has no name), rockin’ out before a sold out crowd. Right away, we’re confronted with the major problem of all of these 80s metal horror movies: these guys just do not sufficiently rock. I mean, they have a synth player, for cryin’ out loud! This was not too long after Van Halen risked losing their metal fanbase by adding synths to “Jump,” because synths were pop, and pop was for pussies. But seriously, these guys make Billy Joel sound like Napalm Death. Oh well, at least the crowd of roughly 12 people seems to be having a good time.

Backstage, the band strip down to their banana hammocks, and their manager, Ron, tells them that they have to have their photos taken with a bunch of groupies. None of the dudes in the band, especially the lead singer, Jesse, seem to want to do this. They’re incredibly ambivalent about potentially sleeping with these women. Which of course is par for the course for 80s metal bands. Most of Motley Crue’s autobiography, The Dirt, is about the dudes politely sipping Earl Grey tea and discussing Nietzsche. We soon get an idea as to why Jesse is not interested in all of these women who want to ride his mullet, and believe me, you’re not gonna like it.

As he’s escaping all of these annoying women who wanna show him their boobs, Jesse runs into Cassie. Now, the movie is not entirely clear on how old Cassie is supposed to be, but let’s just say she’s young. Like, teenage. Like, below the age of consent. She warns Jesse to stay out of the town of Grand Guignol (subtle), where the band is scheduled to play the next night. Jesse instantly falls in love with her, because this movie hates you, and we’re treated to white hot, sexually charged flirting such as this:

Jessie: You're neat.

Cassie: No, I'm not.

Jessie: Yeah, ya are.

Cassie: ...shakes head...

Jessie: Yeah, ya are.

Guys, it’s rare that I make a point of writing down dialogue in these movies that we talk about, but Hard Rock Zombies left me with no choice but to slam that pause button and record some of these lines, because holy macaroni, peep this screenwriting magic:

“I got it from a book. You know, a boooooooook?”

“You guys ready for the show? The loud show? Loud music show? Rock and roll?!?!”

“Oh bullshit, young stupid!”

“You suck, mister! I know it and everyone knows it!”

Eat your heart out, Aaron Sorkin!

So the band arrives in Grand Guignol, and wouldn’t you know it, they pick up the same hitchhiking blonde, who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family is pretty normal, you’ve got blondie, the photographer, the dwarf, the troll, the groundskeeper who, um, is that a Swastika armband he’s wearing, and grandma and grandpa, who speak in thick German accents and we meet them while they’re in the bone zone and the dwarf and the troll are watching them. Oh, and by the way, they’re secretly Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, and Eva Braun is a werewolf. I PROMISE THAT ALL OF THIS IS TRUE.

As it turns out, everyone in Grand Guignol is a backwards rube who thinks that rock n’ roll is the devil’s music that will lead to “physical sex” (again, actual quote). So they get super duper outraged when the band engages in some antics that wouldn’t be out of place in an episode of The Monkees. They skateboard around, do silly dances, and mug for the camera. The sheriff throws them in jail, the town council cancels their concert, and outlaw all rock n’ roll in general, leading to a scene where everyone throws their records and tapes in a pile and destroys them (again, subtle).

Meanwhile, Jesse and Cassie keep running into each other and falling deeper and deeper in love, and the movie keeps rubbing our faces in their obvious age difference, because apparently the overt Nazi imagery wasn’t cringeworthy enough. Just wait until we get to the song he writes about her, because you’ll have to go to jail once you hear it. They practice at the creepy mansion, and the family tries to electrocute them. That doesn’t work, so instead they murder the band members one by one overnight. The drummer is stabbed in a terrible homage to the Psycho shower scene, the keyboardist is felled by werewolf Eva Braun, I don’t remember what happens to the guitarist, I think he falls out of a window or something, and Jesse is crucified and disembowled with a weed hacker by the groundskeeper. This means Hitler is finally ready to turn California into the fourth reich…here we go…no turning back…complete with gas chambers. Which come into play later. THIS IS ALL FROM A REAL MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Luckily, before he croaked, Jesse gave Cassie a tape he made of a bass lick that can raise the dead. Look, just roll with me here, ok? You’ve made it this far. So Cassie plays the tape at the band’s grave, and they rise from the dead, ready to get revenge on Hitler and Eva Braun and co. In zombie form, they all sport weird mime makeup that kinda looks like KISS in the early days before they figured out their image, and they walk around as if they’re doing a combination of the robot and the Macarena. These are both choices that the filmmakers made. So they pretty much instantly murderize the Hitler clan with no problems, but whoops, they don’t stay dead for long, because now they’re zombies too, and they’re attacking all the hicks in town, which makes THEM zombies. Now we’ve got Nazi zombies and redneck zombies running around, which is not an ideal situation to say the least, but for now, the band have to go play their big gig.

This is where we finally get to hear Jesse’s love ballad to Cassie in it’s entirety, and, well, here it is…

“I’m so in love, but you’re so young.” BARF BARF BARF BARF ETERNAL BARF. Anyway, see ya in jail, which is where I live now because of this song!

I’m really loathe to talk about the rest of the movie, because at this point, it takes a turn into goofy comedy, and just completely falls flat. Not that their satirical bits about the PMRC and anti-metal hysteria were all that biting, but at least they were trying to say something, whereas these Zucker brothers-lite groaners are just insufferable. There’s a gag about a girlfriend who’s so possessive of her boyfriend that she won’t let any other women get near his severed head after a zombie rips it off, which the filmmakers obviously thought was beyond hilarious, but is really torturous. Then there’s an even less funny gag where some Pointdexter is like, hey, since zombies are brainless, they must be, like, allergic to brains? So if we all walk around with these giant cardboard cutout heads, they’ll leave us alone? Huh? And of course it doesn’t work, and of course the zombies just eat everybody, and as he’s being devoured, the Pointdexter yells, “Don’t believe everything you read!” Ugggh, read this: you suck, movie.

OK, there is one running gag from this section that I liked: after the troll becomes a zombie, he just eats his own body until he’s a burping skull. I happened to think that was charming and great.

Eventually the townsfolk try to sacrifice Cassie to the zombies, because they read that if the undead feast upon a virgin, then they’ll rest for another hundred years. Whatever. So Cassie is totally about to be gang banged and devoured by zombie Hitler and his gang (wow, what a sentence), when luckily the band shows up, and lures them away by playing that resurrection riff that Jesse learned from a book (you know, a booooooook?!?!) And where do they lure them? Ugh, sorry…here goes…they lure them to the gas chambers, where they’re all gassed to death. You know, like in the Holocaust? I have nothing more to say.

The film ends, in perfect fashion, by spelling co-writer/director Krishna Shah’s name wrong in the credits. Fantastic.

When a movie looks particularly bad, I often like to say that it reminds me of a fake movie meant to play in the background of a real movie. Well, as it turns out, that’s the actual origin story of Hard Rock Zombies. Originally, the film was supposed to be 20 minutes long and featured as the movie the characters in another Krishna Shah production, American Drive-In, go to see. Apparently Shah decided at some point that he could double his profits by turning Hard Rock Zombies into its own feature film. This begs the question: is this where all the Nazi stuff was added? Because it’s easy to imagine characters in a movie occasionally checking in with the drive-in movie and seeing a bunch of rockers rising from the grave, but that Hitler subplot is just so bizarre and so incongruous that I can’t help but think it was tacked on.

Hard Rock Zombies is the craziest film I’ve seen in awhile. It approaches Demonwarp and Spookies levels of what the hell am I watching madness. You genuinely will not be able to predict where this movie is gonna go from scene to scene. However, the tacked on nature of that madness keeps you at arms length a bit, and eventually it just becomes tiresome once you realize it’s not going anywhere beyond mere shock value. I mean, this movie is nearly an hour and forty minutes, and ends with a scene in a goddamn GAS CHAMBER. So, by all means, show this one to your friends, just don’t blame me if they never talk to you again. You may be right, they may be crazy, but in the end, it’s still rock n’ roll to me.

[welllpthisishappening]

rules: tag twenty blogs you’d like to get to know better. ha, that’s too many blogs, here just a bunch of facts about me instead. 

tagged by @distant-rose

nickname(s): literally nothing except the occasional “Laur” which is just...one less letter than normal so it doesn’t really count at all.

gender: female

sign: libra

height: 5 foot 6

time: 2:57 p.m.

fav band(s): panic! at the disco, fleetwood mac, augustana, literally any mid-2000s pop-punk band (fall out boy, all time low, cute is what we aim for, my chemical romance) and the jonas brothers.

fav solo artist(s): john mayer. like...john mayer again? billy joel, george harrison, stevie nicks.  

song stuck in my head: either one of the new panic songs

last movie i saw: thor: ragnarok 

last show i watched: the golden girls. 

when did i create my blog: late 2016 so i could flail on multiple social media platforms.

last thing i googled: a map of the beacon hill neighborhood in boston for the time travel story that literally will not end. 

do i have any other blogs: nah, you get all my interests in one less-than-organized space

do i get asks: yes and it’s the nicest

why did i choose my url: it was already my Ao3 account and mostly happened because it’s exactly what i said when i decided to go all in on fandom. like...welp, this is happening. 

following: 157

followed by: way more than i ever expected for a blog that is mostly me screaming in the tags and closing in on a nice, round number.

average hours of sleep: six?? eh...

lucky number: 31 because jason seahorn wore 31 when he played for the giants and we were in love.

instruments: unless you’re going to count my incredibly talented in-car performances on the LIE then i am the least musically inclined person alive.

what i am wearing: a chris kreider shirt, leggings, a red and white polka dot sweatshirt with a rainbow patch on the side that i have had since i was twelve and may be my favorite article of clothing.

dream job: meg cabot. but honestly. i just want to write fantasy rom coms forever. 

dream trip: throw a dart at any city in italy.

fav food: sesame seed bagels, medium iced caramel lattes from dunkin donuts.

nationality: american.

fav song: edge of desire by john mayer; summer, highland falls by billy joel; that green gentleman by panic at the disco; the chain by fleetwood mac; allison by elvis costello

last book i read: the belgariad.

top 3 fictional universes i wanna join: harry potter because i am a person who grew up in the early 2000s and i want to name my future dog padfoot. rivendell, but, like only rivendell and obviously before all that nonsense with sauron. riva or tolnedra in the belgariad because i wanted nothing more as a kid than to be ce'nedra. 

Assume if you’re reading this I have tagged you and also want to read facts about you on the internet.