#and now like existing without them is weird
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Thank you, I love you - C. Keller
pairing: Clayton Keller x girlfriend!reader
summary: Three times when she helped Clayton and one time when Clayton helped her
warning: NSFW, graphic sex (+18), swear words
words: 2.4k
note: ahh my first ever request work! i was so excited to write about clayton, enjoy itđ
masterlist
---
When Arizonaâs franchise was suspended
In April, the big news hit that Coyotes wonât be in NHL. This was a shock for Clayton. He knew about the problems, but he was pushing away the thought that club, who drafted him and gave him a chance to play wonât be existing. His head was spiraling, he was uncertain about his future.
When Clayton got back home after coach told them about this, he hasnât acknowledged his girlfriend sitting on a kitchen chair, waiting for him. Like always, she asked him questions about the training, but he havenât heard anything. It was uncommon for him to ignore her. She started wondering if she has done something to piss him off.
She felt like the right call is to give Clayton space. When he went straight to the living room and turned on a movie, she went to their bedroom. As much as she wanted to confront him and ask him whatâs going on, she preferred to stay out of it and wait for him to talk.
The evening came and she decided to leave the room and go to the kitchen to cook for both. She knew that Clayton canât prepare any meals and probably haven't ate anything since he returned. She stepped into the kitchen, and he saw her. He immediately stood up and rushed to her.
âHi loveâ. Clayton said and kissed her. âSorry for earlier but Iâve got weird news and couldnât place my mind in the right spotâ. He hugged her and placed his head on her shoulder.
âTalk to me babyâ. Thatâs all she said while running her hand down his back.
âOur franchise is suspended which means weâre not existing since next seasonâ. He admitted to her. She felt the wet spot on her arm, but she didn't care about it. âI donât even know if Iâm gonna play hockey next season. Every club has good players on my position. I donât want to retire in the age of 26, thereâs still so many things I want to achieveâ. She pushed herself from him to look at him. She grabbed Claytonâs face in her hand and kissed his lips.
âBaby, youâll be playing next season. Stop doing this to yourself. You are great player, and youâll find a new club. You wonât be in Arizona anymore, but youâll stay in NHL. Trust me. This is all new and thatâs why you feel this way but thereâs gonna be club to take you under their wingâ.
Clayton looked at her with love in his eyes. He knew sheâs right. Heâs good player and heâll find a new club. He grabbed her waist and pulled her to another hug.
âThank you. I needed this pep talk. I guess I just started overreacting after hearing the newsâ.
âThatâs why Iâm always here for you. Just try not to shut me off. I genuinely thought I did something to piss you off and thatâs why you havenât spoke to me since you got back homeâ. She laughed. He kissed her passionately.
âYou, my love, could never do anything wrongâ. He kissed her again. âNow, where are we going on dinner?â He asked.
âI planned to cook something. Why would you want to go out?â She asked confused.
âYou deserve to be treated like a princess so weâre going outâ. When they were going to the car, to lighten the mood, she joked.
âBesides, without Arizona thereâs gonna be 31 clubs which is unpaired. They have to create a new team to make it evenâ. Clayton laughed when he heard that.
âYouâre impossibleâ.
âMaybe, but you love me for thatâ. Before he opened her door, he grabbed her cheek and kissed her.
âYou donât even have a clue how much I love youâ.
When theyâve moved to Utah (NSFW)
Whole summer, Clayton and his girlfriend spent on moving out from Arizona to Utah. It was stressful time for them because they needed to pack all their years of life into boxes. Both had fun finding out old things and getting all retrospections while looking at them. When the house was empty, they felt sad. All their relationship was moving on from the place where they fall in love.
Despite it, she and Clayton were excited for their new chapter. They started new adventure together in Utah. When they bought new house and stepped in, they sheer a tear. This was the place where theyâre gonna be a family. She was the first one to look around. Clayton was going after her like a puppy. He saw how sheâs gonna be taking care of her their kids in this place. He could already imagine that.
âSo, what do you think?â He asked her.
âI love it. Itâs beautiful. Canât wait to start our new life hereâ. She said and placed her hands behind his neck. âWhat do you think?â
âItâs great. Iâm so happy that you moved here with meâ. He leans down and kissed her. âWe need to celebrate thisâ. He kissed her again.
âMhm, and what do you have in mind?â She asked knowing exactly what he has in mind.
âLet me show youâ. Clayton grabbed her under her knees and took her in bridal style to the bedroom. He placed her on their new bed and started to kiss her.
âWaitâ. She pulled out from him, and he looked confused. âWeâre celebrating new life thanks to your transfer here so let me do the workâ. He smiled at her words.
âAnd how are you gonna do it?â
âLet me ride youâ. She blushed at her words. No matter how many times they had sex or even conversations about it, she was shy.
âUndressed love and Iâll do the same. Later, Iâm all yoursâ. She obeyed his words. He undressed immediately. She took off her shirt and pants. but when she wanted to unclip her bra, he stopped her. He was standing naked in front on her when he reached for the bra clip to take if off. Later, he kneeled in front of her and took off her panties. He placed kisses on her lower stomach.
âStop teasing babe, I really need your dick in meâ. Clayton laughed at her words.
âSomeoneâs eagerâ. He kissed her lips and sat on the bed. âThen ride me like you wantedâ.
She sat on his thighs and spit on her hand to run it over his dick.
âNow, you stop teasing me or Iâll get my way with youâ. He said in serious tone. She grabbed his cock and placed her entry on his. Clayton grabbed her waist and helped her to fully sat on him.
âFuck, youâre huge Claytonâ. He smiled at her words. He hasnât done anything. Just kept his hands on her waist and let her adjust to his length. When she was ready, she started jumping on him. He took off his hands from her waist and played with her tits. She was moaning his name. When she got little tired, he pulled her to his chest and grabbed her ass to helped her in the movements. She started to kiss his jawline until she moaned again from the new angle.
âClayton⌠Iâm closeâ. She said while making hickeys on his collarbone.
âHold on, Iâm almost there loveâ. He speeds up and soon after he could feel her coming all over his cock. He thrusted couple more times and cum in her pussy.
She fell on his chest tired. Clayton stayed in her and kissed her temple.
âI guess we just christened our new houseâ. She laughed at his words. He felt that sheâs shivering from the cold. âCâmon, letâs take a bath and order some takeaway. The boxes can wait until tomorrow. I love youâ. He picked her up and kissed her cheek.
When Clayton had been named a captain
Everything was going smoothly in Utah. Most of Claytonâs teammates were transferred there and heâd been hanging out with them. With his teammates, their partners also came here so she had friends here too. They started new life in new state, but they stayed in the same circle.
When Clayton started trainings with new team, there was still big unknown; whoâs gonna be a captain in Utah Hockey Club. Everyone was wondering about it but all their focus was on preparation for upcoming season. Almost every preseason game, Utah played without captain. It changed a week before start of the season.
Day after game against Anaheim, the coach named a first-ever Utah captain. He decided that Clayton is the best option with his knowledge, help and understanding. He was over the moon, grateful for the trust and opportunity. In Arizona, he had been alternate captain but now, he was the leader of this ship.
When Clayton returned to their house, he saw her laying on the couch, watching a tv show. He dropped his luggage and laid on top of her.
âGet off meâ. She said giggling at his affection. âWhatâs with you babe? Had a good trip?â She asked curious about what heâs gonna say to her.
 âTwo wins and two lost games but thatâs not importantâ. He gets off her and stand up next to his girlfriend.
âOkay, now youâre scaring meâ.
âIâve been named a captainâ. Clayton announced proudly to her. When she heard that, she screamed from joy and throw herself into his arms. He caught her trying not to fall at the coffee table behind them.
âIâm so fucking proud of you babe. Oh my gosh, this is huge. I⌠I donât know what to sayâ. She looked into his eyes. He saw the tears coming down her cheeks, so he dried them off with his thumb.
âThanks love butâŚâ He looked at her with serious expression. âWhat if I fail them?â
âStop. Youâre the right person on the right place. Youâve already been a captain in Arizona, and you did greatâ.
âAlternate captainâ. Clayton corrected her.
âStill a captain. Look, I get it that youâre scared that you might fail them, but you have coaches and team behind your back. Youâre not alone in this. Youâve proved yourself in the past 8 years. Youâre great player but most importantly youâre intelligent and you know what youâre doing. You know those guys very well and they trust you. Youâre not gonna fail. Not on my watchâ. She kissed him.
âThank you. I needed those words. I donât know what I would done without youâ.
âThatâs why Iâm here, to help you and support youâ.
âOh, I love youâ. He kissed her and hugged her like his life depended on it.
âI love you too captainâ.
When she found out that sheâs pregnant
She had been feeling sick when Clayton left on a roadie, but she didnât wanted to bother him. She was certain that it was just food poisoning. When Utah was playing against New York Rangers, she invited other girlfriends to her and Claytonâs house to watch the game. Soon after, game was forgotten, and they had a girlâs night.
She refused to drink wine with them, and questions started floating about pregnancy. She explained that she feels sick and thatâs why she doesnât want to drink but other girls tried to convince her to take the test. At first, she was skeptical, but she knew she has nothing to waste. The next day, she went to the pharmacy to buy pregnancy test.
Sitting in the bathroom and looking at it, she got scared. She knew itâs a bad timing for them to have a kid. They just moved to their new house. She was searching for a new job and Clayton just became a captain. She took a deep breath and took the test.
The next three minutes went super slow. Her mind was floating around. When she grabbed the test, she saw that itâs positive. She started to cry but didnât know if itâs from happiness or sadness.
She and Clayton always dreamt about having kids, but they wanted to wait until theyâre married. They havenât even been engaged. Will Clayton be happy? What if he leaves her? She started to have all the dark scenarios in her head. She didnât want to break the news to him on the phone. She hasnât even said to him that sheâs sick because she was confident that heâs gonna freak out.
When Clayton returned from roadie, he immediately knew that something is off with his girlfriend. She haven't came to welcome him, and the house was dead silent. His steps lead him to their bedroom. When he opened the door, he saw her sitting in the middle of their bed biting her nails, habit she had, when she was nervous.
âHey, hey, hey. Itâs okayâ. Clayton approached her, grabbing her hands and placing them down.
âNo, itâs not okayâ. By her voice, he knew she was crying.
âTell me whatâs wrongâ. She took a deep breath.
âIâm pregnantâ. She whispered. Her head was looking down, she hasnât had the bravery to look into his eyes.
âLove, thatâs a great newsâ. He grabbed her under the chin, so she was looking at him. âWe wanted to have kids. Why are you sad about it?â
âItâs the timing. I donât have a job; you are a captain. We just moved here. Itâs all happening too fastâ.
âMaybe fact that you donât have a job is a good thing. You can stay at home and rest while you are growing new life. You know that money is not a problem. I know that this might look like a bad timing, but we can do it. Together. Iâm not leaving you alone in this. We can handle itâ. He said and hugged her. He was over the moon by the news, but her reaction scared him. âBut if you donât want to have a kid now, Iâll be fine with that. Itâs your body so youâll decide. Although, Iâm willing to be part of this adventure with youâ.
âI want this kid but⌠I donât know. I guess I freaked outâ.
âWeâre a team love. Iâm here for youâ. He kissed her.
âWeâre gonna be parents. This sounds insaneâ.
âTrue, but Iâm excited for the new journey, especially with you by my sideâ.
âI love you Claytonâ. She kissed him deeply.
âI love you too future mommyâ. He joked and kissed her back.
---
Thanks for readingâ¤ď¸
#clayton keller#clayton keller x reader#clayton keller fanfiction#clayton keller imagine#clayton keller oneshot#nhl#nhl fanfiction#nhl imagine#utah hockey club#v' work
21 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Mending a Family 50/?
Prev | Next
Jason felt stupid. Why hadn't he gone to Ghostwriter from the beginning? The other ghost wouldâve helped, and even if he couldnât, Dannyâs signature was headed toward the bookstore. Jason couldnât blame anyone but himself. He let his emotions take over, and it cost him precious time.
Time his son didnât have.
Jason had decided flying would be quicker than driving.
Talia had climbed on his back while he held on to Bruce and Dick in his arms. It was a bit awkward but doable. He turned them invisible in case anyone looked up. Raven was using a cloaking spell so no one could see her and Jazz.
Jazz had decided she couldnât stay behind. While Dick and Bruce had put on their suit, she had argued she knew how the Fentons operated. She made sense, but they couldnât leave Ellie alone.
In the end, Raven teleported Ellie to Wayne Manor. Ellie did not like the idea, but she reluctantly agreed when they explained their reasoning. Jason could tell that Dick and Bruce had been a bit weirded out by how intelligent Ellie was, but Jason couldnât do anything about that. They didnât have time to explain that Ellie might look like an infant, but she was mentally older.
Jason entered the building intangibly with his passengers and opened the door for Raven and Jazz.
âLittle Wing, that was amazing,â Dick exclaimed.
Jason grunted, too tired from using his powers more than ever.
âYou okay,â Dick asked.
Jason nodded. He could tell Bruce had questions, but the man held back from voicing them. It was fine, if they helped him find Danny, Jason would answer Bruce's questions.
âGhostwriter,â Jason called out, âYou here?â
Jason walked through the bookstore with everyone else trailing behind him. The bookstore was eerily quiet. Usually, Ghostwriterâs whistling could be heard throughout the store or, if that wasnât the case, his typewriter. Now, though, there was nothing.
âI donât feel Ghostwriter, but I feel a tear of some kind,â Raven said and took the lead. She led them to the back of the store. Jason saw a green that made him, Talia, and Bruce stop and tense. Jazz ran toward it without hesitation. Jason yelled behind her, trying to stop her. That color was always bad news.
âJazz, stop!â
âNo, thatâs a portal! Guys, thatâs a portal to the Infinite Realms. Thatâs probably how the Fentons got here, and thatâs most likely where they took Danny. We have to stop them. Who knows what kind of damage they could do to Danny and the Infinite Realms?â
Jazz continued running, with the rest of them following her. They stopped in front of a thin green line.
âWhat are the Infinite Realms,â Dick asked.
âItâs the space between realities, the glue that holds them all together. It also holds every afterlife in existence, from purgatory to Hades and even some youâve never heard of.â
âSounds overwhelming,â Dick said.
âDonât worry, I know how to navigate it. And if itâs anywhere near the portal the Fentons built, finding the way will be even easier. I also have allies I can call if we get lost. I doubt we will, though.
âOkay,â Jason said, âLetâs go.â
âWait,â Bruce yelled out, âWe need to make a plan.â
âNo, no plan. That will take too much time, time Danny doesnât have!â
âI understand, Jason, but we have to come up with some type of plan if we want to succeed.â
Jason gritted his teeth, âI have a plan: itâs called the âget my son back from some lunatics even if I have to kill themâ plan.â
âJason, Bruce is right. We canât go in there without a gameplan,â Dick said.
âI have a plan,â Jazz said. She took out a white and green stick and turned it into a staff.
âRaven, stay here in case we donât come back. " She took out a watch and fiddled with it. âHere, if weâre not back in two hours, call for help. Batman,â Jazz turned toward Bruce, âyou can come, or you can stay. I donât care, but I am saving my little brother; damn the consequences.â
Without another word, Jazz jumped into the tear. Jason followed right after her, ignoring the shouts of his parents.
He had to save his son.
____
The first thing Bruce noticed was the color greenâLazarus green. The place was saturated in the color, making him feel nauseous.
The second thing he noticed were the doors and floating islands.
âSo this is the afterlife, huh,â Dick asked. âI must say, itâs a bit boring to look at.â
Talia didnât say anything but observed her surroundings with a calculated look.
âThere,â Jazz said while pointing in a random direction, âThatâs the portal.â
âHow can you tell,â Bruce asked. He had to make sure.
âI know the entrance to my old haunt. Think of it like a homing system; I can sense thatâs the portal. Letâs go.â
Jazz started floating, surprising Bruce. Jason shouted in surprise, validating Bruceâs original assumption.
âHey, if you could fly, whyâd you make Raven carry you,â Dick asked.
âI canât. In the Infinite Realms, humans have ghost-like powers. Iâve been practicing, so I know how to use them here. However, we donât have time to teach you guys, so Jason will have to carry you again. Sorry.â
With that, she left them behind.
âHurry up,â Jason said, âIâm not getting left behind.â
Bruce nodded. He knew the desperate feeling of not being too late to save your son. He refused to be the reason Jason was feeling that way.
Bruce let Jason carry them. Other superheroes had carried him through the air, but this felt different. It was as if gravity didnât exist, and if Jason let him go, he wouldnât fall but be suspended in the air.
Bruce didnât like the sensation.
They reached Jazz quickly. She had stopped in front of a swirl just a shade darker than their surrounding area. She gave a quick nod and entered.
Bruce had no idea what they were walking into, but he would help his son and bring his grandson home.
20 notes
¡
View notes
Text
my hakuhiro thesis.
Hakuri x Chihiro is hilarious because neither of them have any idea of what romance looks like. Both grew up isolated from society and their peers. I don't think either of them would actually develop DEEP romantic feelings until they are older. There would probably be some romantic/sexual tension in fleeting moments.
Hakuri maybe has movies as a reference for romance but idk if Chihiro did anything like that with his dad in the middle of the woods, and if he did itâs probably old samurai films like Seven Samurai. Chihiro had a childhood crush on actor Toshiro Mifune (understandable) and his dad knew but decided to let him figure it out on his own. He didnât figure it out. Chihiro doesn't know homosexuality exists until age ~17.
During the years hunting for any news on the enchanted blade with Shiba, Shiba realizes Chihiro never reacts to the female models on billboards and magazines so heâs internally like (đłď¸âđ?) and tries to be supportive by mentioning his queer friends but Chihiro is just like. Okay. Cool. Shiba lets it go; it doesn't really matter anyways.
Meanwhile in the current story timeline, Hakuri JUST figured out heâs not doomed to die alone and unloved. Sex and romance are not even on his radar. Hakuri COULD be more self aware except he still puts Chihiro on a pedestal as his âsamuraiâ even though they are supposed to be equal allies. When Hakuri gets a little bit more self esteem he realizes heâs a hopeless romantic but still lacks the self awareness to consider his actual feelings and Chihiro is just objectively hot, actualy. They are blood brothers for years.
They would 100% sleep on the same bed as bros without question. Iâm pretty sure everyone in their little squad would just pile on the same bed and sleep. But these two, specifically, are immune to so many romance tropes itâs stupid.
After some time Shiba once again goes "đłď¸âđ?" but feels like heâs hallucinating everything because everyone else is like Chihiro? With a crush? Sounds fake but okay. But Shiba KNOWS Chihiro puts extra butter on Hakuriâs eggs. He SEES that Chihiro INITIATES fist bumps with Hakuri. They had a one arm hug that one time. Everyone else thinks those are pretty normal things to do, but Shiba is fucking dying. Heâs too old to care about teenage drama. Heâs 40 stuck with people ages 7 to 22ish. The young love, it's disgusting.
Hakuri-with-more-self-esteem says shit like "once we make a safer world, I can finally get a girlfriend in peace :) Chihiro will be my best man at our wedding and Char will be the flower girl :)â Shiba wants to STRANGLE him for this but Chihiro is just like âyeah I hope you find happiness (sincere), you deserve itâ
Shiba's nephew is in love with a straight boy. He wants to cry. Hasnât Chihiro suffered enough?!?! Maybe Chihiro will get over it maybe itâll be fine. The reality is that Chihiro is so unbothered. He trusts Hakuri with his life and simply doesn't think further into that. He gets weird looks from Shiba sometimes and ignores them.
Flash forward to post-canon or near the final arc Hakiru is ACTUALLY flirting with Chihiro but heâs really bad at it. It's shojo manga embarrassing and he's 20 years old. NOW THE REST OF THE CREW REALIZES WHATâS HAPPENING.
Chihiro at this point is a Black Box. His experience with men making passionate declarations of interest towards him are men trying to kill him and/or projecting their feelings about his dead dad on him. The deeper reason Hakiru's advances fly over is head is that Chihiro is most receptive to a quiet kind of love. Heâs not one for grand gestures. He wants banter, he wants to wash each other's backs, he wants to go to sleep without feeling burdened by grief and guilt. He wants to be a swordsmith, not a samurai. He wants to build a home and a family.
Chihiro knows he is taken care of. He recognizes the kindness and love people show him and he gives it back. One day, it clicks for him that his relationship with Hakiru is drifferent from the rest of his friends/family. He asks him out. Obviously Hakiru says yes.
Hakiru thinks the flirting successfully communicated his feelings but Chihiro is nice enough not to correct him. It doesn't matter. They take things steady and roll with the punches and move in together and unofficially adopt char and get pet goldfish and fuck nasty and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
20 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Someone killed my boss last night and he sent me this I'm so fired
god I can't wait to make this comic.
#not me making a prelaunch link so I can share it on art of them that I do and then immediately being like hm#feels kind of weird to link a comic that doesnt exist yet#HAHAHAHAH#theres just no pleasing me#oh well I'll stick to my guns. I thought about it a long time#and doing things that feel weird is kind of the name of the game when it comes to making art#we were legion#zagan#this is so funny to me#its like not even that funny but#I love him. idk I think because I know what the comic is gonna be like stuff like this is 1 million times funnier to me#he sucks so bad and it would suck to read if he were the only one in the comic but because luciel is also there#then its just funny. cause juxtaposition#I love luciel too but theyre less good for standalone drawings and memes without comic context#so my brains like erm... theres nothing there....#also my tags are bugging out when I type them on the ocmputer idk how to explain whats happening but its kind of annoying#jumping around all over the place. makes it hard to read while I'm typing them. its fine#if theres typos its cause somethings going weird with my computer#lately when I've opened firefox its just shaking all over the place#til I alt tab out of it and back to it. I have straight up no idea why#and my internet has been bugging out. the LAN connection keeps flickering and then going out...??#YES I switched the ethernet cable connecting the modem and the router NO I dont know whats going on#I dont wanna deaaaaaal wiiiithhh customer serviceeee its fine. I'll do it later if switching the coax cable doesnt help#uh. anyways none of that matters cause I can still make my fuckin comics babeyyy#as long as I've got my comics. I'm good. though it is annoying when I cant look up references or spelling of words cause I do that constant#but its fine!#love I can draw without internet I dont even notice when it goes out sometimes aughajkghagj#anyways I'm super excited about this comic and if you're intereted theres a presave link now so#yeay#I'll post places other than webtoon but I'm just doing webtoon early so TTA readers can switch over easier
52 notes
¡
View notes
Text
I'm not a super big ekurei shipper but I have to admit the fact that Dimple can possess Reigen while he's unconscious and yet Reigen will be fully present anyway is Very compelling regardless of your explanation for it. Dimple was very specifically trying to wake Reigen up and used most of his power to do so? Hell yes, love it. Reigen being very atune to spirits because of. Well. The past four years. And going WHAT THE FUCK and waking right back up only to immediately go "oh. It's just dimple." Fascinating scene idea. Looking directly at it. So much potential for a fascinating missing scene there. Ekurei is growing on me at alarming rates. Help.
#mp100#mp100 spoilers#theyre so INTERESTING augh!!!#i want to study them under a microscope#ekurei#they were using all their energy to go save mob and it makes me insane#dimple literally says its taking my all just to exist#reigen was Near Death#they were single minded with the goal of saving mob. im insane over it#what happened in that gap of time there. what did they say. how did reigen react. how did dimple react to finding reigen like this.#how did dimple come back in that speciifc moment#i need to know EVERYTHING#this can also be platonic. ekurei is just the target audience#they love the weird kid they adopted so much! argh!#i read a very good fic where they were at odds so much but were both kn the agreement of âmob came firstâ#like that was a line and everything#dimple somehow isnt dead dimple just found reigen without shoes on NEAR death but that doesnt matter right now. their kid is in danger.#thats their priority#theyre so INTERESTING! augh!
57 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
71 notes
¡
View notes
Text
most of the time i am deeply freaked out by these books, but then i remember the ultimate message is that they're called MY BRILLIANT FRIEND!!!!!! elena really said the most historical and the most unshakable truth about your life is that i loved you. elena's history book as an antithesis to all history books.(this is why it is the best one)
#AFTER THE DANCE CHAPTER WHERE SHE'S LIKE PASQUALE'S WORDS DID NOT AFFECT ME AS MUCH AS THEY DID LILA AT THAT POINT#enzo urging them all to go back home during that argument#pasquale and lila reduced to 2 people existing in a way they have no idea how to handle during that small silent moment where they agree#enzo knows better than either of them...#it all falls apart without the other perspective...#idk idk idk i am weird about lilapasquale again but THEY HAD TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM HER...!!!!!!!#coughing up blood for real now...#l'amica geniale#ferranteposting#letters from stephanie*
14 notes
¡
View notes
Text
...
#im back from a week with my dad at home and at the lake#it was really nice to b home for a while but now im a mess lol#bc it really makes me wanna move back to Appalachia and not do another semester out here#and also this was our 1st trip to the lake without my mom being there. she loved the lake. she grew up on the water and was named after an#island. she died before she could use our new jetski. which my dad bought for her and she would have loved#and i stood in her sandles bc my dad keeps them out by the fireplace and my toes fit almost exactly into the impressions of her feet#and i came come with another bag full of her clothes. and i feel bad for my dad being all alone in that big house#i mean hes got the dogs but theyre 7 and 8 and theyre big boys so they probably dont have all that long left. itll be so sad when they die.#there was a moment where i was talking to the dogs and he said i sounded exactly like my mom. which was kinda intentional#on my part bc i say a lot of things bc she would say them. stolen phrases and intonations. pieces of things ive taken.#its still weird that she's just gone forever. the time in the hospital feels like it was some horrible nightmare.#and now shes never gonna kno where we end up. she's left rooms full of half tumbled rocks and half sorted photos and half organized#classroom supplies. the outlines of a person that will slowly be stitched out of existance as time moves on until theres nothing left and#the memories are gone. its just sad is all. especially bc she didnt deserve it. no one does but expecally not her.#but unfortunately life isnt about getting what you deserve. its chaos and coincidence all the way down.#unrelated
12 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Yknow what I kinda like Harumi and Vania (as a ship or even just friends) purely more for the aesthetic of pure sunshine and optimistic heroism vs doom gloom and bomb go boom. And theyâre both princesses, and they both have daddy issues. And itâs likely that the Ninjago royal family and the shintaro royal family were in touch, and they couldâve been childhood friends
#oh man what if homophobia doesnât exist in Ninjago and they were arranged political marriage#not condoning arranges marriage as a concept but like imagine#two princesses who were childhood friends and expected to get along for the sake of politics#but after s8#Vania can barely recognise who Harumi became#and it just weirds her out a bit#also like#Vangelis wanted the union because he wanted money out of it#and ironically ends up setting up an alliance with post s9 Harumi for money anyways#ninjago#Ninjago Harumi#ninjago vania#whatâs their ship name#it better not be princessshipping or something bc that would be boring lol#it would make sense but we could do better#btw I hc them as the same age ofc#harumi akita vania bentho are all around the same age and older teens#Lloyd too - heâs at that point where his dragoni blood slows down his aging process enough for him to be the same age he shouldâve been#without the tea#but briefly - his slowed aging will mean from now on he will older than he looks#and Iâm firmly glued to the hc that vania and bentho are younger than the ninja
55 notes
¡
View notes
Text
in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know đ¤#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> đ#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
19 notes
¡
View notes
Text
My main sona, I realized that theming my sonas around my @ was a stupid idea so I made something that I felt would truly represent me
#lycorisicecream#art#oc#oc art#pixel art#oc reference#reference#sona#sona reference#my sona#sona art#she has no lore#since she's one of my sonas#for personal reasons#none of my sonas have lore anymore#and haven't for awhile#sorry if anyone wanted that#expect a lot of inconsistencies when i draw the rainbow part of the screen#i'll probably typically draw her with clothes on#for reference purposes i drew her without them though#the antennas being weird looking is intentional#the shark tail is meant to be articulated like the rest of her body#idk if it's obvious but#the bottom crack is meant to mimic glasses#sig still exists but i call her aecor now and she's an actual oc#chim and era will probably be moved from being my sonas and turned into ocs#as i'm starting to feel uncomfortable with having 3 sonas#i'll probably make myself a fursona though to go with this one#maybe#idk
2 notes
¡
View notes
Text
picture me like a ffxiv minion running around in circles at very high speed I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BURDEN AHHYAAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! WAEEEHHH XD okay im good No im not i need to be euthanised
#KYAHAHAAAHHAH WOOOOOO I LOVE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!! MY FAVOURITE THING YAYYYY I WISH I COULD BE ASLEEP RIGHT NOW !#but these dogs wont walk themselves & my mother hasnt fucking bothered walking them in the past two weeks except for One time TEEHEE!#i thinki hate myself rn can i say this? is this a safe sapce to express negative feelings toward myself#first headmate to ever say this im sooo special!!!! i shouldnt exist YAYYYY HAHAH YAYYYYYYYYYYY okay.. whatever#i have nooOOOO way of externalising how BAD im feeling without it being CONCERNING AT BEST!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOGLE HOW TO COPE!!!!#i feel so bad!!! SOO BAD! horrible! very very bad!!!! & i dont know if anything can help!! but its! FINE!!!!!!!#those are NORMAL emotions to be experiencing while pmsing my periods are NORMAL & NOT WEIRD & I AM A HEALTHY LOVELY BOY!!!#well ill be!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to lie down;
2 notes
¡
View notes
Text
You know as a horror fan "cultural Christianity" is such a useful term because as an atheist as well as a horror fan and a fan of haunted house stuff if it's done well I very, very quickly noticed how many horror movies are Christian propaganda. So few horror movies involving religion (which is a shocking amount of them btw) pick any religion that's not Christianity to center itself around and when they do that religion is bad and evil, not the cause of evil and the savior from it (because the demons may be Christian, but God and the bible are also the solutions in a way other religions aren't granted. Bonus points if it's an indigenous religion being portrayed as Evil and Bad).
Pretty much any exceptions I can think of to that rule use Judaism and the Holocaust as a backdrop and never in like a normal, the Holocaust is horrible way it's always playing on myths of Nazi Germany's experimentation on the Jewish population. Which I find highly troubling and disturbing, but regardless nothing like being a horror fan to convince you of cultural Christianity because no other genre leans on religion as a plot device so much unless it's straight up a Christian movie for a Christian audience using Christianity as it's main theme and through line.
#winters ramblings#side note i ALWAYS hear about how we learned SO MUCH about medicine and the body from nazi Germany and i KNOW that has to be#at least SOMEWHAT untrue because the methodologies nazis would have used in CONCENTRATION CAMPS do not seem#like theyd yeild USEFUL information about anything. people criticize studies now for being overly populated with undergrads#because THAT skews your results theres NO WAY the camps had conditions good enough to yeild useful information#and theres NO FUCKING WAY IN ALL HELL that nazis had good enough methodologies and treatments of their PRISONERS#to be getting any result worth using. maybe we learned a lot on how to TORTURE people but medical sciences??#i think body snatchers orobably taught us a lot LOT more than the fucked up things the nazis did to the jewish population#and i find it DEEPLY DEEPLY troubling that we seem to remember the nazis like the NAZIS want us to remember them#and not as the scum of the earth they were- they werent useful DOCTORS even if there were olenty of useful engineers but they werent good#engineers BECAUSE they were nazis they were just good at their jobs WHY do we attribute their intelligence to BEING A NAZI#if anything thats proof all their smart at is building shit but anyway something tells me nazi germany didnt teach us NEAR#as much about medical anything as the myths lead us all to believe and WHY are we myth making about FUCKING NAZIS#time to start myth making the jewish people who survived or did uprisings or literally ANYTHING but the fucking nazis#now on the flipside as a horror fan Christianity is SO BAKED IN to how certian genres of horror run#if you had a haunted house movie WITHOUT Christianity id be genuinely surprised. if it wasnt at least Judaism with Weird Holocaust shit#id be even MORE surprised. ive never seen a weesterm horror flick that centered around like. Sikh people or even Muslims#and youd think being an abrahamic religion Muslims would make the cut but no even THEY get shunted because brown#like you CANNOT convince me culture Christianity doesnt exist because as an athiest horror fan BOY do i know thats not true#its actually one of my LEAST favorite things about the horror genre and WHY i have a hard time with haunted house movies#sure i LOVE james wans work but its STILL uses Christianity as a plot device and i HATE Christianity in my horror cheerios#plus you got shows like supernatural who LITERALLY wrote a show of bible fanfiction and uts very clear they never read the bible#i know this because i have a good friend who is religious and even CHRISTIANS find the Christianity in that show baffling and overbearing#and hilariously inaccurate but still lmao. anyway cultural Christianity is 100% a thing as an athiest its IMPOSSIBLE not to notice#so i find it REALLY WEIRD that athiests deny its existence as if weve not been victims of it out whole lives#and religious people who arent Christian too!! we should team up to beat the christians back to where they should be!!#just as invisible as the rest of us OR the rest of us just as visible as christians!!
15 notes
¡
View notes
Text
.
#feeling really weird in my body tonight so im going back to bed#idk just.. have had gender and identity issues today. its just. a lot#like being ngc and not out of the closet cause i dont wanna talk about it is so exhausting and im just. yeah#not to mention the whole aroace thing#just been thinking a lot today. idk. i know im not faking any of it but bringing it out to ppl is just. so much sometimes#i have two irl friends who know. one thats thankfully very careful about it around other friends cause he knows im not out yet#but its still exhausting. especially when the conversation goes on those rails while undermining specifically my identities#without these ppl knowing about it. and i dont wanna talk about it cause technically its irrelevant but like..#idk. im just afraid of being left alone. being called awkward and weird and faking it and that its just a phase and... yeah idk#idk where this is going im just complaining now. i would just like to exist as myself without having to explain shit#cause these are terms and things i would have to explain. oh whats an agender? then why do you still look feminine and not enby(???)#how do you know youre ace if youve never dated? or aro?? as if these things dont work the other way around#im just already tired of it but i feel like eventually i should break it out. these ppl are my friends. we have a trans person in this grou#and ppl understand him and his perspective. i guess part of that is the thing im afraid about tbh. that they think im following a trend#or an example. that i havent been dealing with this for at least like five or six years before they came out as enby and later trans to us#but.. idk. its just hard. these identities are so hit and miss with ppl and them understanding and being hurtful later on#aaaand now im crying. this is so stupid im going to bed good night#night is an absolute mess on main#(tho be clear tho ive known im ace for over half of my lifetime now. the five to six years was about being agender/enby. fyi)
2 notes
¡
View notes
Text
I literally had a dream about reading the worst fan fiction like fucking ever kiryu was just randomly a yandere and nishiki was trying his best to survive also kiryu turned into a dragon (deez nuts) halfway and let nishiki kill him for being a bad boy but he was so upset about having to kill his bro that he just lay in the corpse for a bit and thats when i decided to stop reading and i literally opened tumblr in my dream to complain about how bad it was like the writing went back and forth from being terrible to incredible and i found myself enjoying some parts and despising others. I skipped the first few chapters so i had to tab back out and read the summary like why are they in a beach resort and the summary didnt just tell me nothing but it was also double spaced between each line and very fucking irritating and while reading it i kept thinking this is extremely ooc and boring like they would not fucking say that
#Listen to my problems#i cant stress enough that i dont even ship them why did i read a sex fic about kiryu and nishikiyamer#like i believe they are the bestest of friends forever and ever and like as hotblooded young men growing up together they must have tried a#few sex moves on each other at least once but i dont think they see each other as romantic prospects. like unlike majima and saejima#(seajima) who are literally together all the time and will never travel anywhere without the other unless its to prison. kiryu and nishiki#have this understanding that eventually theyll have to part ways and find their own path. while they would always remain in each others#hearts and thoughts they knew that they couldnt be holding hands forever and besides they have to focus on getting kazama to the top not#each other !! so nishiki was very happy that kiryu was getting his own family soon even if it meant that kiryu was getting âaheadâ of him#and kiryu who can accept consequences for himself but no one else was just like um ... well nishiki please give me the gun and take yumi#your sister needs you or whatever <3 i am definitely expendble and prison life is for me yayy yayyyy i love going to jail so nobody can talk#to me ever again. i keep asking myself how difficult it would have been for kiryu to just pop in by the hospital every now and then to check#in on nishikis sister. its not like he cant take care of her. its not like he doesnt know how to earn money. he just straight up thinks that#nishiki is better than him so he should be the one to get locked up ... because nishiki can take care of yumi and i straigh up forgot his si#sisters name and reina and kazama without him. and nishikis like damn i wish kiryu was here so bad (looks at his wwkd bracelet) hm think ill#go insane. i literally forgot what my original point was but that fic was so bad guys im so glad it doesnt exist#in it kiryu was trying his best to keep nishiki in one place and he kept being very. well kiryu was just kiryu but he kept apologising#saying things like you cant leave yet ... and looking at him with his big sad eyes and nishiki would always be like f-fine ... (he doesnt#like it here) also nishiki was one hell of a princess type and had a nurse costume on at some point which means the yakuza server nishiki#propoganda is working on me. very weird. love the part when kiryu was randomly a big dragon because he utterly filled the hallways of their#little beach shack and his scales were nice and soft and he was lovely. little guy
11 notes
¡
View notes
Text
I think the slow ego death of fandom can be pin pointed directly to the first use of the term stantwt actually
#maybe i am swinging at a hornets nest#also my personal hate towards twitter as a platform is showing and i am too tired to shove it in a closet#listen. do i think twitter COULD be a good platform and a good fandom space?#yeah sure maybe. im not ignoring that there are people who have a good time on it and cultivate a wonderful place for themselves#but u also need to come to terms with the fact that the way twitter works is fucking AWFUL for fandom culture#esp when twitter is at the same time a business platform for media people#like not just cc's but also authors/actors/etc#tumblr is prime fandom space both bc of the way it functions and bc it never has been and never will be a business space#no one is coming on here as point of contact for themselves as a brand or as promotion#but thats what twitter IS#and that space cannot coexist with fandom space without an overlap that causes problems#any part of twt fandom is fandom that overlaps with its creators and that like. defeats the point of fandom#u need to ALSO have spaces where fandom exists wholly and fully for the fans and there is no way for the creators to be involved#(unless they are actively searching at which point. that's on them! u made that decision buddy!)#but the raise of ___twt and twitter fandom spaces has caused such an insanely blurred line and has pushed this incredibly volatile#and weird morality police stance within fandom#where fandom is now policed based on purity culture bc 'what if the cc sees that!!'#and also the idea that at all times being a fan of something or someone is being a representative of that thing or person and their beliefs#which is a whoooole other wild problem#sorry for wall of text i didn't mean to go on a rant but it happened anyway LMAO
1 note
¡
View note