#and now its like 3am and im v upset

[scummy-writes]

[CHAPTER 4 + PREM]

It's 1am. Ginna stay up til 3am max if my eyes can take it, doing the notes rhing makes it harder to read. Tomorrow im likely just gonna type as I go and then filter thoughts later, handwriting is causing issues.

-> more writing down his vocab uses

-> he wants you to be interested in him, damnit. Okay, okay, joking, if I was in her shoes I would be insanely fucking confused also. I do enjoy the tidbit of him seeming to have trouble controlling how much force he uses with people. Which is....odd....considering how gentle he was with the kids just moments before, but maybe he is just not used to being gentle with anyone taller than a child.

Speaking of, enjoy him sincerely upset about the children being hurt. He was able to tell what was happening so quickly just due to all the warning signs from the cases he's personally dealt with.

I enjoy this a lot. It also sounds very fake, which chev points out later.

To me, this is gilbert testing her, and also donning his villain mask again. Dont get me wrong, he's trigger happy even for the right reasons, but its. Hm. A mask to don his heart. I've discussed this with mimi before, but I feel as though through the layers, the soft heart he has is still there, but he's buried it so deep so it won't hurt anymore when he does the things his kid self never wanted to do. Delusional of me, idc.

"You dont see people, do you" and he agrees...but he treats her with a certain level of kindness through the tests he does, to see if shes just as bad as everyone else or easily changed. He recognizes that of the nobility, clavis, silvio, keith(?), and luke (?) Are different, treats them differently. As chev says-

I like his shocked expression. V cute.

Chapter tidbits:

-> who the fuck is julius. Why did gilbert call him a pet. Huh? Is this leon route stuff and i just never got it?

-> hehe count - 2

[PREM]

God help me the normal skirt is more my taste but ill buy the damned prem, fuckin.... i'm gonna type as I read.

-> I wonder if gilbert hates the rose soap.

-> i bet he likely takes baths often to keep warm.

-> this damned book. I wish we got a title, idk if we ever do. I'm so curious about it too. Immediately comparing herself to the protag (a normal thing to do), and i feel bad she thinks so little of herself.

-> gil immediately letting her borrow it. What a fuckin simp.

-> love that he hates having servants

-> too alwepy to parse a chunk of this, but understand she realizes shes basically following his "i hate people" type of mindset loosely and caught herself doing so. Bless.

-> i havent played with aound in in months. The music here is so calm and im falling asleep while cuddling vic

-> ah,,,,, he caught our face,,,, doki doki,,,, ah,,,,,

-> oh no all of it is cute...the humanization of gil.... the way he calmly asks if shes less scared now. God the way hes trying to peel the thin layers of himself off just so that she'll apend more time with him. Im suffering jesus christ this man yearns.

-> '0 1 day(s) since last bitten'

-> blah blah gil puts up his villain stuff again

-> THATS where it ends? Fucka u.

-> bedtime. Im nodding off. More tomorrow. Wanna finish route. Might end up making bulk updates later on.

GILBERT ROUTE SPOILERS POST

When Gilbert's route drops, I'll be reblogging this post each chapter or so with thoughts and general screaming under a cut. I'll be having it in a format with the chapter numbered, and then a cut directly after where I'll be yelling.

I'll be using the tags 'Scum Simps' and 'scum plays gil route' for those of you who want to filter it out. Thank u!

[lyssismagical]

*

[littlemisschameleon]

Aight so there’s this fic called Where You Lead, I Will Follow by @lovelylogans​

and I feel bad for sending what would have been 13 anons to her shouting my praises for the final chapter of this fic

so here we are (continued under the cut)

to start, if you aren’t annalise and haven’t read this fic yet, do yourself a damn favor and read it! it’s a gilmore girls au for the sanders sides, and tbh if you like the sanders sides you’re going to love all of her writing. Im not even joking right now, go read the fic! And then read lavender for luck (another one of my favorites from her), and then go give annalise some love for her amazing abilities, and THEN you can come back and read this.

second, this entire post is gonna jump around a bit. Basically i took notes while reading so I didn’t forget anything, and was going to format said notes into asks. I hope this is easier to read (and so your inbox doesn’t get more flooded, like im sure it is) everything from now on is just going to be copy pasted from my notes, pretty much. The breaks in paragraphs are where they would have been for asks. Enjoy the ride

*cracks knuckles* lets do this song and dance once more, its tiiiiime for lovin wyliwf! Lets just get to it, as there’s so much ground to cover (38k, are you trying to kill me?!?!? i love it). Ohhhh patton buddy youre really out of it, arent you? Asking for straight vodka is gonna be the first of many slips during the play, im sure. Logan just immediately giving full attention to the play in anticipation for Roman is so frickin cute!!!!! Id bet that patton would be awwwing about it too if not for the play beginning.

Logaaaaan! Thats your boyfriend!!! Hes so excited to be able to //say that// now. And Roman did so good he deserved every single ounce of applause he got! For real though, im just READING how his performance went, I can only imagine how breathtaking it would be to see it. The way that youve been handling the tonal shift when it comes to our boys relationships has been so good! Youre able to make it natural when you want to, and completely jarring when its right for the story.

I figured that must have been challenging so good job!! Speaking of jarring, I was too caught up in the euphoria of Romans dance to even remember pat was wearing //makeup// and //crying// until Emily shouted about her handkerchief. //thats what im talking about youre so good omg// That entire fight was a long time coming, and I //felt// it when pat was just so sick and tired of everything.

Im kinda similar to pat, because when the apology happened I thought something was gonna be different too, but of course not! Patton must feel like even more shit :( Okay we all knew that Logan was in love with Roman, but now that theyre together its clear just how far //gone// he is. Like hes //in love// its just so sweet its gonna give me a cavity

The whole “they got together” thing just broke my heart, because thats how it should have been in a perfect world, but hey that wouldn’t make for good conflict in a fic now would it? But of course logan and Roman are so devastated, they didn’t even //think// to see this as a possible outcome, it felt impossible to them for this to even happen :(

can I just say that I LOVE petty patton!!!!!! Yes sir put ur foot down! Good!!!! and the father son bonding time!!!!!! Between both richard and pat AND richard and V in a sense!! Such a good change of pace from the fighting that usually happens when pattons parents are around. And BLESS THE FUCK UP, RICHARD! Hes broken through!!!

Hooooly fuck! That WAS embarrassing! Side note, i will always be in awe about how well you write logan and Roman, theyre both such //teenagers// and react perfectly. Exactly how you would expect teenagers to react in said situations.  AND hhhhhh virgil!! So sweet!!! Patton he CARES so MUCH about you!!!! He LOVES YOU PATTTT! Oh man, Logan talking about how he needs to focus on his obligation to school reminds me so much of what Emily wants for patton. Roman’s right of course, whats the point of trying to better your future if its making you upset now?\

Ive got a lot of words for that scene with pattons letter, but mostly I want to say that I can’t wait until they make up bc that scene //hurt to read ow// Oh gosh, Emily dont fuck it up now //please//. Youve got patton crying, you know a lot more than you did before, youre hugging him. PLEASE just be happy for your son? PLEASE HES BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH LET HIM BE HAPPY (this goes for both emily and you annalise, stop cackling behind your computer and making my boys sad)

“I think I just out bitched a shady bitch” YES! YES YOU DID LOGAN! And holy shit the dance was the cutest thing in the whole world, they both deserve to be happy and to have fun!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! That whole “wanting this overrides any fear that I have” speech was just //beautiful//, and it hit home hard for me. Its just, so perfect, and they both deserve to be happy and //ugh//, /////feelings/////

“This is only the beginning” I AM SOBBING. ITS NOT EVEN 3AM ITS 3PM I DONT HAVE LACK OF SLEEP AS AN EXCUSE HOW DARE YOU (in the best of ways)

(cutting in for a hot second, but from here on out it’s turned from loving wyliwf to just loving annalise and her ability to create. I kinda wrote it as if it was going straight to her inbox (bc that was the intent) so, just warning ya! it gets personal)

i just… Wow. This has been an insane ride, and i want to print this fic and have it on a bookshelf so I can look at it and sigh longingly and lovingly, you know? To get real for a hot second, you started talking about this fic right when i was dealing with a major breakup and stressing over finals and so much more.

This fic has seriously been something ive looked forward to every week, and has been a comforting constant. I was able to relate to so much youve put patton, and Virgil, and roman and logan through in this fic, from the little nuances of working in a restaurant, to the feelings of major heartache patton went through, to having just that moment, //knowing// youve been in love with someone, of course you have! But just finally realizing it with an “oh shit”.

To being dumb teenagers and sneaking out for late night talks, to stressing about finals and having to be perfect, to relationship anxiety and feeling like you cant show your real feelings and just ugh. The way you write these boys allowed me to relate so much, it hit home in so many beautiful ways, and all I can really do is say thank you so much, for giving this to the world. To writing this and putting so much love and effort into it that it positively //shows//

i am so ecstatic to read more from this universe, and im so happy that its not quite over yet. You’re an amazing writer, and i absolutely adore you and your ability! Im not sure how to end this train of wyliwf lovin, so I’ll end it at a simple thank you, once again, for writing this absolute gift of a story. It was beautiful, and heartbreaking, and perfect in its own little way. Thank you

[lovinletter]

boyfriend mark lee

- so i might write something different for how you met each member, if you guys want !

- but for now let me start by talking about this softie

- so people always say mark seems shy but no way man

- hes a huge dork

- but hes also v soft

- hes real bf material

- imagine him letting you wear his hoodies n stuff im so soft

- hed love seeing you in his clothes because it just lets him show off that you're his and only his <3

- but also!! a plus for you because his clothes r also really comfy and they smell like him half the time

- lowkey would probably pretend to be mad if he finds you in his clothes but highkey loves it

- wont tell u that tho

- so he will pout and sulk and pretend hes upset

- nd youll be all worried that you actually upset him

- so you'll offer him his stuff back

- but he refuses??? so ur like???

- then u realize

- hes faking it

- so you "comfort" him with lots of kisses and cuddles

- and even tho this is exactly what he wanted

- neither of you are complaining

- because he works a lot i can see him really loving chill dates

- watching movies and napping together

- cuddled up on the couch together with a blanket over the two of you

- loves to let you sleep on his chest because he can hold you tight

- i can also see him loving late night adventures together

- like getting ice cream at 3am or watching the stars in the park

- 99% of the time falls asleep on u if its socially excepted

- n ur like :((

- cause hes sleepy but was excited abt ur date and he just

- so u either one, gently wake him up n ask to go home

- or two, sleep with him

- either way u have a soft sleepy mark koala-ed to you

- i bet he wants to cook 4 u

- but cant

- but still tries

- but cant

- so he comes to you for help n hes all pouty cause :( it was supposed to be a surprise but he didnt know what to do

- so you end up doing a lot of the work with him hovering over you

- eating the food when hes not supposed to is his specialty

- you scold him too but he sneaky so u might not see him

- a large cuddly bub he just loves spending time with u

- i can see mark rly liking nose kisses :(

- like yes obviously any other kisses he loves too but

- he thinks ur nose is so cute so hes like

- "uwu gotta kiss it"

- anyways!!! this boy is hecka soft pls treat him well n let him rest uwu

- m☁️

[journaleaf]

my roommate saw my sh scars

i really love that she cares abt me but i hate that she saw and i think i honestly hate the accountability of it all? like shes actually giving me tips and skills to work on and its like aghh. idk exactly why i dont like it, something to think on. i think i don’t like depending on people. like to a degree i want that but to another i want to be strong and only depend on people for companionship and not for like real assistance.

—

earlier today i had therapy. i cried during that bc i was telling her abt how i read the old messages from liam. she really put into words that i dont want liam, i want some of that innocence from before i sugared. i cried when i said that im not content/ happy with where i am rn and i tend to think that if something i did was different i wouldnt be so unhappy. but also i think deep down i feel like if i was successful rn i would be just as empty inside.

anyway, i had to go to work after and there J was talking to our boss who is leaving about openings since our boss is leaving lol. it just reminded me of how inadequate i feel. J is better at people than i am, which feels kind of unchangeable, like i could work on my social skills (and i really should, but i never do). but i don’t have charisma like that. and i also don’t have J’s looks and body and whiteness and maleness. so. but yeah i left work and went to get an emotional support diet coke and then i got an email from a job i really wanted that they didn’t even want to interview me. so i went to my car and skipped my first class of the day. i called my mom bc i didnt know what else to do and she was ultimately unhelpful lol. she tried and i appreciate it but i think i also cant really communicate all of whats upsetting to me so its hard for her to comfort me when she doesn’t know things. also im not sure if shes really great at comforting.

i kept crying and drove home, skipping my second class. i cried some more and took a nap, and then went back to work for 2 hours. i still felt meh so i went to wegmans and spent too much but i had a nice dinner. that’s when my roommate came home and eventually as we were talking she saw my v recent sh scars.

now its 3am the next day technically. i need to write down a plan for what to do next time i want to sh and then i can sleep.

4/3/23

i have cried 4 times today

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[freshberries]

um thinkfast and.... all of them..... but mostly 1 3 13 & 20 because all of them is a lot

Willow you know me so well

This ones a long one boys

Who is the most affectionate?

I like to believe that once they have settled down into their relationship, that Tommy has learned better ways of coping besides running, so, for me it’s Tommy, he loves David with all his heart he really does, and tbh big fucking kin.

Most common argument?

I’m stuck between arguing over Tommy eating healthier (Listen as much as Tommys gotten better with cooking, if given the opportunity, he will binge on fast food like crazy, and David’s in the background like “Tommy please the SODIUM”) and David overworking himself (”Babe its 3AM, you can do the taxes later come back to bed”) 

Either way it comes from a place of love and concern for the other because they are both HEAD OVER HEELS IN L O V E WITH EACH OTHER AND IM SOBBING.

Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

First time they’ve held hands period its David, but in general? I’d say its an equal amount once the relationship settles down

With David, sometimes he notices Tommy’s stressed and needs grounding or he himself needs an anchor. He probably used to have a stress ball but finds this works better and also makes him like, ten times happier

Tommy doesn’t do it when they first start dating, being afraid of showing affection and all, but like one day Tommy is just like “fuck it” and grabs onto his hand and David turns to him with the BIGGEST HEART EYES cause he LOVES HIM and Tommy starts doing it more often from there, and David never stops with the heart eyes cause hes literally gone for Tommy and would go to the moon and back for him, you know how it is.

What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

I’m not counting Mary and Frank Shepard cause fuck those losers

Christopher and Dorothy Alleyne love Tommy cause like Tommy is one of the few people that can get David to stop working himself to an early grave (other include America, Nori, and Kim), but yeah they love Tommy a lot.

Christopher seems a lot like a football playing dad from what I remember of him so I imagine one day while David and Tommy decided to visit the family Christopher just turns to Tommy and goes “Wanna go outside and play some catch, son” and Tommy is like surprised for a second, but like accepts because David and Dorothy are catching up and ✨ father son bonding time ✨.Tommy even tries not to use his powers (sometimes fails cause he has a lot of energy and that’s okay) and they end up having a lot of fun, they make it a thing to do whenever they visit

Tommy learns that David got his love for jazz from his mother when he catches her cleaning while humming a song playing on the radio, he starts to help her clean and ends up humming with her because it just so happens that David loves this song and he sometimes sings it while doing taxes like a loser. They end up just dancing in the living room and when David goes to check on them after he and his dad finish cooking and cleaning the kitchen, he ends up leaning against a wall watching them cause his life is SO PERFECT right now and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Kim and Tommy meet and its half chaos half calm. Kim shares the dirt she has on David and David just groans the entire time but Tommy’s just laughing cause oh my god, were you really a duck for your first Halloween? David stop putting your head in your hands you look cute please I love you.

Tommy loves kids though so even though she’s like, at very least a teenager, he loves spending time with her and she thinks Tommy’s totally a blast. That can sometimes he bad because sometimes things turn out to be flammable and that’s not good. But yeah, she loves Tommy and loves bullying David about how in love David is with Tommy but David doesn’t care because he loves his little sister and he loves Tommy and likes knowing she approves of their relationship (not that he ever though his family wouldn’t, they took the mutant thing well, I don’t think their son being bi changes much for them.)

Rebecca and Jeff Kaplan don’t care cause Tommy is literally soul twins with their son, being bi isn’t more surprising than that. Additionally, I don’t think they would care about Tommy being bi if they didn’t care about Billy being gay? Either way they are real chill about it. Rebecca offers David banana muffins whenever David and Tommy come to visit the them, idk why she just likes making muffins. Jeff Kaplan kinda isn’t real to me at times so idk what hes doing, probably reading a newpaper as Rebecca and David make polite conversation like they’re at a book club of some shit. Tommy’s probably playing with the younger kids cause, once again, he loves kids. Also he might have accidentally set something on fire again, he really doesn’t mean to do it it just happens sometimes.

Wanda is really happy Tommy and David are happy together, and she loves David, but she sometimes worry's that he doesn’t like her because of everything that happened with M-Day, so after a while they have to talk about it. The thing with that is that, David will never forget that day, forget how 40 of his friends died, how he should have died, how he lost his mutation, M-Day haunts him, and it will never completely stop haunting him. But things get better, at least a little bit. David gets his memories back, he learns how to deal with his trauma, mutant kind becomes a little less endangered, and sometimes if he wakes up in the middle of the night because of nightmares, being around Tommy helps.

M-Day will always haunt David, but things get a bit better for him. He understands why Wanda was so upset, it doesn’t change what she did, but he understands, and knows shes trying to make up for it. So David basically explains that to her and they are good and can have like, a conversation since they now both have their peace. Wanda would defiantly offer to restore David’s powers, but tbh I’m not sure whether he’d accept it or not, I’m already so off track anyways so I can talk about that at a later date.

Pietro is kinda like Kim but instead he bullies Tommy about how much he loves David, its typical family teasing though, he loves his nephew and his nephews boyfriend.

I ALMOST FORGOT MAGNETO. They are super fucking chill with it cause all mutants are gay, he’s the OG gay mutant and he’s happy his children and grandchildren are carrying on Magnetos Gay Legacy™️ and that’s that, period point blank.

Billy and David are fucking chill and I’ll demolish ANYONE who says otherwise, but Billy does give David the shovel talk. Besides the shovel talk, Billy is happy for his brother and his friend and really wishes the best for them.

Teddy and David are also fucking chill and I’ll fight anyone on this fact too. Teddy kinda gives David a high five because Teddy’s a chad and that’s the only way he knows how to express emotion. But its kinda like a “Cool! So we’re kinda like brothers now!” high five and David understands his friend is just trying to be supportive.

Kate just kinda fucking, yells, she a chaotic bi that’s just how it works. She’s basically really happy for them and since Kate and Tommy gossiped to each other about their crushes back when they thought it wasn’t reciprocated (as best friends do) and she’s like really happy things worked out for the both of them.

America smirks and looks her platonic soulmate (David) and is like “You finally asked him out? Good job” and like pats him on the back because they lived with each other in college and while he doesn’t drink often, lets just say when he does drink, David is a sappy drunk gay. Internally she’s like, very much crying because, oh my god? Davids so happy and she’s so happy her friend is happy. Shes an emotional gay she just likes to pretend shes not and that’s fucking valid.

Loki just kinda, has a realization about it. About why David literally spent two weeks tracking the young avengers down, about what David meant when he said he’s into good guys. Loki’s a chaos demon so they just kinda let out an “ohhhh” and turn to Tommy and say “I would’ve made the same choice buddy.” and like, disappear. They’re happy for their friends of course but their love of starting shit wins out.

Noh just kinda shrugs, he doesn’t care of course but he also doesn’t care enough to really react, he might say something like “good job” cause hes dumb but that’s about it

Eli would come back to visit the young avengers while David and Tommy are well into their relationship, so he’d kinda just be surprised by how calm Tommy looks and he and David would get along very well, considering they are both leaders by heart. Eli starts to visit more often after that first visit, its one of the main reasons David and Tommy always have a guest room set up now.

Cassie is kinda just like “Another brother, sweet” and rolls with it. Totally loves asking Tommy for updates on their relationship because Tommy could talk forever about how much he loves David, it makes her happy knowing her brother is happy.

There are so many of the New X-Men I can’t name like all of them but I’ll get through the ones I remember. If I don’t name one of your faves just assume they approve because all the x-men are gay anyways and everyone loved David so its not like someone would like, fight him or anything.

Josh is really chill with Tommy, and he tells Tommy about all the adventures they’ve had (Tommy lowkey freaks at the time David got his heart ripped out but hes fine now! its okay don’t worry I made him a new one!). Josh and David of course need to catch up though and Tommy sometimes just watches David as they talk because he can tell David is really happy talking to his best friend.

Nori and Tommy aren’t awkward, cause fuck that shit they’re adults now and David and Nori totally talked shit out. Instead Nori and Tommy just kinda laugh at David cause like, you totally have a thing for speedsters David, don’t even pretend.

Julian and Tommy are equally chaotic so they run around doing dumb shit while Davids talking to the new students.

Santos reaction is kinda funny cause hes like, wait, YOUR IN THE YOUNG AVENGERS NOW? AND YOUR DATING ONE OF THE YOUNG AVENGERS? And David totally wasn’t there for that conversation where Santo found out about the young avengers and now Santo really wants to meet Teddy for some reason and Tommy looks to David for an explanation but he’s just as confused.

Cess, Sooraya, and Laura are in the same boat of “I’m happy your happy” since I don’t remember them being too too close to David but I know at the very least that they were friends, and they would be happy that David got someone that could get him to relax, even just for a little bit.

Sorry this took so long Willow, I got off topic a little bit but I tried my best.

[teddyaltman]

all the even numbers yo

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? yeeees omg it is snowing here rn and we just went outside and i love it i love it i looooove feeling cold but only on a lil bit of my body i hate it when im all over cold4: how do you take your coffee/tea? black and strong, no tea thanks6: do you keep plants? yes, i have one money plant and it’s now named sophie courtesy of delani8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? screaming into the void (cross stitch)10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? stomach unless i’m with someone else and then probs side12: what's your favorite planet? uranus duh jk mars is bright tonight14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? so my best friend has a flat in london and it’s gorgeous and i would like to live there tbh, its just full of things that make us happy like harry potter wands and two tvs so you can play xbox together on two screens and things from travels around the world and a piano and i just love it16: what's your favorite pasta dish? a no pasta dish 18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. the time i fainted at may’s nephews graduation and got an ambulance called they’re never gonna let me live that shit down20: what's your favorite eye color? idon’t rly have a favourite but i like when you’re looking at someones eyes and they’re smiling back at u22: are you a morning person? yes! i like to get up early and curl up with a coffee and a book on a day off or when i have work i get up early to walk buddy or meg and then watch neighbours while i eat my breakfast 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? i literally talk to my dad about eveyrthing, also dan, my mum and my sisters i never keep secrets from26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? my flowery docs!28: sunrise or sunset? oOOoOOh both?? okay gun to my head sunrise over a lake is the most beautiful thing 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. when we were at uni dan and i used to call each other in the middle of the night if we were walking home drunk and we just used to talk and talk about anything and everything until the drunk one was sober enough to sleep34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? a bunny called bunny that i got when i was born (okay well actually its a replacement cos i lost the original in a service station in france on the way to disney when i was 2) but i still have it and it’s gross because i used to fall asleep by chewing on her ears and holding her tight around the neck so she looks awful but she’s still my bunny 36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? sugarland38: tell us about your pet peeves! idk i don’t like it when people ignore me40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? i have a wolf necklace that mg bought me for secret santa one year its gorgeous and i love necklaces and most of mine are anchors or giraffes but the wolf one is so amazing and so me and i love it42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! starbs dude im easy44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? laying on the sofa in my snug on dec 27th 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i cannot think of a single pun i suck48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? being abandoned and yep probs50: what's an odd thing you collect? HAHAH i collect SO MANY THINGS i have a collection pROBLEM okay i collect hurricane hard rock glasses, and i collect US quarters and i collect those special cups you can buy at the cinema sometimes and mugs from places i love and i have a p good pop funko collection and a hELLUVA lot of DVDS just idk if you can buy a ~collectors thing i probably will im a sucker for advertisement52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? its been like a week but omg the hollywood sign one

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? my sister when she just watched derek die on grey’s56: what are some things you find endearing in people? when they ramble on about something thye love, when people are so passionate you can feel it radiating off them, when someone tries their best to make you smile when you’re upset, when people pat dogs 58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? marygrace is the vodka aunt im probs the wine mom 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? yeah but i don’t read a whole lot of it, idk i like simple stuff 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? eh not rly sometimes apple or cranberry but not often i just drink coffee64: what color is the sky where you are right now? WHITE cos SNOW66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? any flower crown is an ideal flower crown68: what's winter like where you live? coldish, and grey v grey but i like the feeling of the cold mist snaking around you and seeing your breath when you’re walking and wearing a hat to keep ur lil ears warm!! sometimes it snows and ilove that70: have you ever used a ouija board? lmao no but i would LOVE to72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? at work i keep so many notes about eveyrthing but i have a p photographic memory so i don’t rly need to its just so i can make sure stuff is organised and so i can show that i’ve listened to what people want74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. loud and passionate and so caring, finds an unrelenting joy in the most unexpected of things and is so strong and honest and proud. hates zombie culture. 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? nope! 78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? love a good minion80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? they’re cream bc my sisters and i used to switch around a lot so we all got them painted the same so it didn’t matter and we could stick up whatever we wanted to make it our own space. i did have a jungle room at one point and the walls were orange that was cool and in my hp room i had one RED wall for gryffindor that was awesome82: are/were you good in school? english, particularly lit, history, food tech, film, maths but i Hated that uuuh i was a good student - not a great one bc i was lazy and dumb in school and didn’t study like i  should have done but i did p well 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? yessss i want an anchor on my ankle and expecto patronum on my wrist and delta lyrics on my ribs and also ‘faith, trust & pixie dust’86: do you like concept albums? which ones? what88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? impressionists90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. chicago is one of the best cities i have ever been too and i’m so lucky to have lived so close for a year it’s just so vibrant and full of life but not ~super busy so you feel crushed and rushed all the time and i rly loved it bUT also shoutout to brisbane which was a huge surprise how much i loved it and i explored it on a segway which was incredible and obvs sydney owns my lil heart and i wanna stare at the opera house forever92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i hate pasta94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? jesus96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? ha remind me tomorrow pls98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? in the blue mountains in aus! yeah i love to hike except im not a fan of hills, whenever i hike with dan he gets me to explain the plots of tv shows to him to distract me he’s the best100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? def the future bc i have some great memories of the past 5 years and i wouldn’t be who i am today without them but i do not want to go back and relive them thanks