#and now im starving and have to go food shopping which is always overwhelming

[twistedlittlenightmare]

i must not have a wednesday spiral

i must not have a wednesday spiral

i must not have a wednesday spiral

[taexual]

HOLIC - 30 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: angsty fluff (my new favorite kind, apparently)

words: 3.6k

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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Each day after you’ve listened to Jaebum’s countless reminders and finally managed to compose the e-mails with your portfolios to send them to a few galleries around the country was more stressful than the previous one. You tried not to check your e-mail too obsessively but it was proving to be difficult and Jaebum, who was to blame for your newfound anxiety because he’d made you press the final button and send those e-mails, was now your only distraction.

He noticed your nervous expression each time the e-mail app wasn’t loading fast enough – because, of course, he’d notice these things about you – and he promptly suggested taking you out someplace that wasn’t home to get your mind – and his, too, though he tried to keep himself in check for your sake; he’s made you anxious about his music plenty of times already – off of this.

Now because both of you were mature adults who didn’t want to get drunk and then wake up early the next morning for work – obviously, what you didn’t want to deal with here wasn’t a hangover but rather the consequences of drinking alcohol with each other – Jaebum ended up taking you to the potentially least harmful place on the whole planet.

His favorite ice cream shop in his old neighborhood.

You had to bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from grinning when the two of you stopped outside of the old building and he introduced the store downstairs as a place where he’d come whenever he had stayed up drinking last night and needed something sweet, or when Mark was no longer willing to give him drinks on the house at his bar.

It felt special to be in a place that used to be a prominent part of his life and you were glad he took you here, but the butterflies nearly imploded inside of your stomach after he opened the door for you, allowing you to enter first, and one simple thought popped into your mind: this felt an awful lot like a date.

You tried to resist the impulses to smile and instead focused on Jaebum’s voice as he talked about the last time he’d been here with a group of friends after a night-out, and all of them have collectively agreed that ice cream was simply the best drunk food.

“Why didn’t you come here after that?” you asked him after the two of you sat down by the table next to the big, floor-to-ceiling window at the back of the store. It was sunny outside so you both found yourselves squinting at each other as you ate your ice cream.

“I moved,” Jaebum explained simply. “There was no need to go back here and, besides, it felt weird to return to a place that held so many memories after I’d set my mind on moving on. I thought it’d be a step back to come here again.”

The waffle cone you’ve brought to your mouth seemingly froze for just a second. You debated asking him if Suji lived nearby, too, but, eventually, decided against it. There was no point – you wouldn’t have learned anything new, just satisfied your curiosity which could honestly do with a little starving after you’ve gotten the answers to so many questions already.

“How does it feel to be back now?” you asked instead, focusing on the cold, sugary sensations in your mouth. The ice cream here really was good.

“Normal,” Jaebum replied, “which is surprising. I wondered what it’d be like to come back here and I feared it wouldn’t be the same and I’d be disappointed, or worse, I’d get overwhelmed with the memories and leave immediately, but, hey, the ice cream here is still good, the company is still good, so it’s… all good.”

You smiled at this. “Have you considered finding a new ice cream spot to eat in after getting drunk?”

“Mark won’t let me,” he said, making you snicker. “He used to come here with me and the rest of the guys but then he got that job at the bar – he’s, basically, a manager there by now – and now he insists we eat there. And, you know, when you’re eating in a bar—”

“—you end up drinking even more,” you finished knowingly. “Yes and that’s how alcoholism develops.”

“I’m sure that’s Mark’s end-game for us all,” Jaebum sighed. “Be careful. You’re one of us now.”

You tried to hide your smile behind your ice cream cone but it was probably still obvious in the way your entire face lit up when he said this. One of us meant he didn’t have – or tried not to have – any problems with you being friends with his friends anymore. It meant you’ve truly reached a new period in your relationship with each other, hopefully having buried all of the insecurities-turned-obstacles on your way here.

“I think I’m good,” you said, hoping that Jaebum will consider your wide grin as a manifestation of simple happiness instead of figuring out just how much hearing this meant to you. “I don’t drink that often anyway.”

“What constitutes as ‘often’ for you?” he asked, curious. “Sure, I’ve only seen you drunk a handful of times since we started to live together so you may not have a problem right now, but wait a couple of months. Mark and I are a horrible influence.”

You were laughing as he said this. “Mark? No way, he’s such a sweet guy! You, on the other hand…”

“Me?” Jaebum raised his eyebrows, mock-offense decorating his features. “I am the absolute epitome of the perfect child! My mom always said that any mother would be lucky to have a son like me.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” you replied, actually pausing for a second because that was nice, but then continuing anyway because teasing him has become your favorite hobby, “except, see, all mothers say that to their children.”

“I hope you’re not calling my mother a liar.”

“I’d never! I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady,” you replied, “so, I really don’t know where you get your attitude from.”

“Hey, watch it,” Jaebum warned you, the playful glint in his eyes mirroring the one in yours. “I’m paying for your ice cream but I might change my mind if you keep at it.”

Taking a bite of the waffle cone, you gave him a mischievous smile. “Why? Can’t handle a little roast?”

“That’s not a roast,” he said. “That’s slander.”

You laughed. “Slander means it’s not true and we both know that everything I’ve said is—”

“Here’s your check,” a female voice cut you off and you both raised your heads to look at the waitress that had stopped by your table, a metal tray with a check on it in her hands.

The waitress gave Jaebum a smile – and, to make her intentions even more obvious, she didn’t even bother to look at you – and then turned around to walk away. She was very pretty so you couldn’t help but follow her with your eyes as she returned to the register, but, when you turned back to Jaebum, you’d found out that he hadn’t done the same. He was watching you.

“I—” he started to say but then he picked up the check instead. “In all the times that I’ve been here, they’ve never brought the check over. I always had to pay at the register.”

“Hmm,” that didn’t surprise you. The sudden rapid beating of your heart, however, did. “Maybe she liked you.”

Jaebum almost scoffed. “No, I don’t think so.”

You couldn’t see why not – especially not after you glanced over at the cash register and caught the waitress still watching Jaebum – but you tried to continue to eat your ice cream as nonchalantly as it was possible while your chest proceeded to fill with surprising amounts of bitterness and—yeah, let’s be honest—jealousy.

“When I was a waitress, I also used to bring the check over to the table myself,” you admitted, “if I found the guys there attractive.”

Jaebum seemed surprised to hear this.

“Wow,” he said, his eyebrows raised. “I never pegged you for someone who’d do that.”

“I was lonely,” you shrugged, not proud of your choices from back in the day but not exactly ashamed of them, either, knowing that nothing you’ve done had any long-lasting consequences. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“It’s not desperate,” he disagreed, not trying to put you down for anything. Honesty was a virtue for him, though, so he found himself adding, “it’s just… kind of unfair for the other people that you didn’t find attractive.”

“It is, yeah,” you agreed and then sighed somewhat wistfully. It was so easy to romanticize memories, making it seem as though certain periods of your life were far more glorious than they actually were and you were guilty of doing that. Whenever you looked back at your days it college, it just seemed like a simpler time even though you knew that wasn’t true. “Oh, but, to make it fair, that method never worked out. I never got asked out by any of those guys.”

Jaebum leaned back in his chair, even more surprised by this confession. Clearing his throat, he finished his own waffle cone and then grabbed a napkin from the table between you.

“Okay,” he said once he’d finished wiping the corners of his mouth. “I might believe that you were eager enough to hit on guys by bringing their checks to them but I will never believe that not a single one of them asked you out.”

His words were like a sudden match, lighting you on fire and dragging you out of the fountain of nostalgia that you’ve caught yourself bathing in.

“I’m serious,” you said, your face very warm all of a sudden. “Must have been the planets aligning themselves to restore the balance of fairness because I gave certain people the special treatment.”

“Were there a lot of certain people?” Jaebum wondered, a small smile tugging at his lips.

You were unsure why he’d ask you this. “No, I wouldn’t say so. Why? Is there a limit as to how many people a waitress can hit on? Because they didn’t fire me so I must have not reached it—”

“No, no, I was just curious how many guys there were who had no taste at all.”

Frowning lightly, you asked, “what do you mean?”

Jaebum shrugged his shoulders, toying with the check. He didn’t particularly like it when you didn’t understand his subtle flirting and he had to explain himself in more obvious terms but he’d have hated it more if he didn’t get his point across.

“Well, they haven’t taken the chance of asking you out, so, you know,” he said, “they have no standards. Or a horrible, horrible taste.”

You were going to die right then and there, you were sure of it. He was going to kill you.

“Well, are you going to ask her out?” you tried asking to redirect the attention from your flustered state to the waitress who’d approached you before. “She’s beautiful.”

“No, I’m, uh…” Jaebum was the one who looked down this time. “I’m actually not interested in that.”

“In that?”

Although your mind may not have quite understood his words, your soul seemed to know exactly what he was talking about as your heart – that was in the process of melting – suddenly focused on anxious beating instead. Even the butterflies inside of you settled down to listen, weighing heavily on your stomach.

“Well, you know,” he waved his hands around as if that explained it, “in dating her. In dating any other girl. I don’t want that.”

He looked at you when he said the last few words – somehow, hopeful that you’ll catch what he was really trying to convey without having to explain himself yet again – but you remained frozen in your seat, the ice cream now starting to melt inside of the cone.

“Oh,” you uttered and then, to hide the obvious disappointment in your tone, tried to cough. “Okay. Well, anyway—”

“Jaebum?”

The two of you were interrupted once again only, this time, right before you turned your head in the direction of the voice – it was coming from behind you – you caught sight of Jaebum’s eyes widening in surprise. He didn’t look quite as alarmed as he had when he’d thought Suji had rung his doorbell that one time – his skin had passed pale, and gone straight to translucent back then – but he didn’t look very pleased, either.

There was a—very pretty—girl, smiling at him from across the room. When his eyes landed on hers, she started to approach your table. He hadn’t indicated for her to come over but she was doing it anyway because, apparently, your table had suddenly turned into a hotspot for beautiful women.

Not that Jaebum wanted to date any of them because, as it turned out, he wasn’t interested in dating anyone. Funny.

“Wow,” the girl spoke after having stopped next to you. Her eyes were on Jaebum. “I never thought I’d see you here again.”

“I didn’t think I’d come back,” Jaebum replied, his eyes nervously drifting to you as you tried to let go of his previous confession and make sense of what was happening right now. The girl must have been one of his old friends but he looked awfully uncomfortable in her presence.

You busied yourself with finishing your ice cream and then reached for a napkin, successfully hiding yourself from the almost penetrating gaze of the girl next to you as her eyes landed on you.

“Who’s your friend?” she asked Jaebum. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

He didn’t like the question – frankly, you didn’t either; she could have asked you directly instead of treating you like you weren’t there – and you felt him reach over the table and place one of his hands on yours in a completely uncharacteristic manner. You nearly flinched and pulled away but, after noticing the determination in his eyes, you remained frozen instead, his hand resting on yours.

“This is my roommate,” Jaebum told the girl, giving her a meaningful look.

Her eyes were on your hands as a knowing smile spread across her face. “Oh, so this is her!”

She said it as if she’d heard about you before and you dared to raise your head to give her a good look. You were certain you’ve never seen the girl before – let alone heard anyone even describe her – and yet you saw recognition in her eyes. She did know you. Or, at least, she knew of you.

You weren’t sure if you should have said anything – she didn’t ask for your name or even bothered to introduce herself, after all – so you decided to just let their conversation play out and stayed quiet instead, allowing Jaebum to keep in control of the situation.

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat, his hand still on yours. “It is… her.”

“Well, it was very nice to see you again,” the girl said, more awkward now. She must have started to notice the unwelcome tone in Jaebum’s voice. “You should stop by here more often. We’ve missed you. And… we would all love to get to know your, uh, roommate.”

Jaebum wasn’t even trying to be pleasant as he dropped a very unenthusiastic, “I’m busy.”

“Of course,” she was clearly expecting to hear that. “Well, if you change your mind, give me – or any one of us – a call. I’m sure Suji would be ecstatic to see you again, too.”

You didn’t think it was possible for two people to flinch at the exact same time but it almost seemed as though an electric current had suddenly run through your body and straight into Jaebum’s – or, maybe, it was the other way around – as both of your gazes widened. Yours because you weren’t expecting Jaebum’s old friend group to include his old girlfriend – although, that made sense, knowing how in control of his life she was – and his because he wasn’t expecting this girl to be so obvious about her intentions, even though he should have probably expected her to bring Suji into this after she saw him take your hand.

“It’s good to see you, Jaebum,” the girl said after Jaebum didn’t respond to her previous statement.

Not removing his eyes from yours, he merely nodded in acknowledgment. “Cassie.”

The girl left you alone without another word – although she did hesitate which could have meant that she’d have loved to stick around for longer – and you let another moment pass before you dared to turn around. She was standing by the cash register, paying for three cones of ice cream. You turned back around as soon as you saw her glance back at you.

Both you and Jaebum waited until she left the store before finally speaking again.

“So…” you started, unsure where to begin.

Jaebum removed his hand from yours and used it to pinch the bridge of his nose instead. “Yeah. I didn’t think—I thought coming here during the day would save me from running into anyone I knew.”

“Was she one of your friends?” you decided to inquire first and foremost.

Jaebum nodded and then added, “well, more Suji’s than mine, I guess. I knew Cassie from university – she was a year above me. She was my coordinator—well, not just mine, but—anyway. Mark had a crush on her at one point so we hung out a lot in less official settings and became friends, I guess. Cassie is, uh—s-she’s the one that introduced Suji to me.”

As you looked down at your hand, still palm down on the table between you, you realized that this explained the unexpected hand-holding. He was looking for a way to prove that he’d moved on.

“I see,” you said awkwardly. “She seemed awfully eager to reunite with you.”

“Right,” he scoffed, “that’s not happening. That whole thing is over. When I tried to escape Suji,” he continued and you’d have judged his choice of wording if you hadn’t known what Suji was like, “I also ended up escaping half of my friends.”

“Well, if they didn’t stick with you, are they really your friends?”

Jaebum removed his hand from his face, giving you a nod. “I know. That’s why I never even considered reuniting with them. Although, it did seem childish at first. It felt like I was holding a grudge against them because they took Suji’s side after our initial break-up but… they were never really on my side per se, to begin with.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” you disagreed, angry about this on his behalf. “This is the place where you’d created so many memories. It’s not fine that Suji took them away from you. It’s not fine that you can’t come back here without running into any of the people that had pretended to be your friends for all of these years. It’s—it’s not fine, Jaebum. And I’m sorry.”

His heart – that had been hammering in his chest ever since Cassie came over to your table – finally seemed to calm down.

“It’s fine,” he said again, “because I'm not here alone.”

You swallowed, blinking slowly. “I would love to meet the other half of your friends. The real ones. The ones who stayed with you.”

This touched him even more as he nodded with no hesitation whatsoever. “You will. They will love you.”

He didn’t add anything else but this already meant so much. After having been left alone by nearly all of his friends, he was showing more and more willingness to finally trust someone new. He was finally ready to return to the places that had meant so much to him and create new memories – memories that he trusted not to become false in the long run.

And you were beyond confused.

He’d held your hand – which was a way to show Cassie that he couldn’t have cared less about Suji, no doubt – even though he was the kind of person who didn’t really care about what the others were saying – unless it was about his music, of course. But, you could find explanations to that. Cassie was Suji’s friend, it was likely that she was going to report all that she’d seen today back to her and Jaebum took precautions to make sure Suji didn’t try to come back into his life again. These precautions weren’t particularly unpleasant – you certainly didn’t mind Jaebum holding your hand or people assuming that you were together – but the confusion caused by his earlier confession was. It made your stomach churn all the way back to your apartment.

You just didn’t get it. He said he wasn’t interested in dating and yet you and him were doing almost everything a couple who was dating would do, except without the label. You knew he’d dated Suji and it didn’t end well – and you weren’t trying to be dismissive of all the emotional trauma caused by that relationship and all that had come after – but you had genuinely thought that he had moved on. He’d finally cut his ties with her, once and for all. He’d showcased signs of actually having feelings for you and even admitted that he’d actually thought you and him could have dated when you first met at the bar. Hell, he’d even kissed you on several occasions.

But he wasn’t interested in dating and, even though you knew that the current state of your friendship with Jaebum had its lines blurred by how far the two of you had gone with each other, you were suddenly even more confused about what you were doing. Was he just taking the chance – since you lived with each other – and doing whatever he wanted without worrying about any official statuses because he didn’t think this was a permanent thing? But then, if that’s the case, why did he say all of those things – why admit he’d thought of starting a relationship with you when you met? Why admit he’d been afraid you’d rip his heart out if he put it on the line?

Perhaps you were stupid for believing everything he’d told you – he was basically writing songs for a living, after all – but some of his statements didn’t coincide with the other ones, and you were simply—and yet, unexplainably—confused.

Meanwhile, Jaebum, as he walked next to you back to your apartment, noticed the clouded expression on your face and was able to realize that he was to blame for it. It was very obviously something that he’d said but he wasn’t sure what. He debated if holding your hand in front of Cassie was the right thing to do because that could have lead you to believe that he was hoping to make Suji jealous to get a reaction out of her when that couldn’t have been further from the truth. He just didn’t want to see her again and, alright, a small, very bitter part of him wanted to spite her -- he wanted her to know that he was happy without her.

But Jaebum wanted to believe that you understood that. That you believed he didn’t care about Suji anymore. So, it must have been something else that had brought upon your change in demeanor.

You didn’t understand what had happened there at the store and he didn’t, either because, after having learned how similar you were to each other, you could have never imagined you’d be able to misinterpret each other’s words in a way that put a pause on your developing—or… regressing—relationship.

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