#and now i know why ofc but i still really think this needs reevaluated and changed

[charincharge]

advice time! you are the nicest, coziest, most helpful person on this site so hopefully you can help :)

there’s this guy i’ve been crushing on for a while. i liked him in 8th grade, and that was the year covid hit and schools went out, and i was fully virtual the next year, so i didn’t see him at all until last year (10th grade). we became a lot closer and i didn’t start liking him again at that point, we were just good friends. i’m in 11th grade now and we’ve become even closer this year except i started liking him again and i’ve tried to ignore it bc i hate having feelings for my friends, it makes things so miserable for me. it’s grown to the point where i think this is the largest crush i’ve ever had on a person, and i know that’s not necessarily saying much since i’m still in high school (and have never dated anyone btw), but at this point in my life it still feels really meaningful to me. anyway, tl;dr of that was there’s a boy that i’m pretty good friends with who i have a massive crush on.

so today i found out he’s asexual. i was supportive of course when he told me but, especially later when i was by myself and had time to process it, i am so upset about this. i’m not upset with him ofc, i have nothing against ace people and i’m bi myself so it’s not like i’m bigoted, it’s just that this guy i’ve liked so much and for so long (relatively anyway) can’t like me back. i was never under the impression he did, he never acted like he had feelings for me in return so i’ve never shared my own feelings, it’s just that even though i knew he didn’t like me there was still the possibility of it, and it’s gone now. i’m just so frustrated with the circumstances, that things had to work out this way. i feel so selfish for worrying about my own feelings while he’s coming out and dealing with the stress of that, it’s just so unreasonably sad to me.

i could never tell him any of this, both because it would be so embarrassing and awkward for me, and because he’s such a kind person and i know he’d feel (unnecessarily) bad. so i will do my best to get over him while supporting him through this. i guess what i’m asking for isn’t actually advice since there’s nothing to be done about it (although maybe you have some tips for getting over him?), but really all i need are some words of comfort if you don’t mind <3

Oh my goodness. First let me say that I’m so incredibly touched that you reached out to me as a safe person. I am honored.

But then let’s address your problem. I totally get why your instinct would to be upset, but take a step back and take a breath and reevaluate. There is an extremely wide spectrum of asexuality and what that means. Instead of just being sad, it might be worth asking your friend what his asexual identity means to him. It differs from person to person. I have an ace friend who is in a committed relationship and they kiss, hug, etc but sex is not a priority but they do occasionally have sex.l bc their partner wants it. I also have an ace friend who doesn’t like to be touched and their partner has to understand that. Being ace doesn’t mean they can’t want you back. They totally can. It doesn’t mean your friend is suddenly off limits to a relationship it just means the boundaries of behavior are more specific. So there’s really no harm in asking what that means to them so you can figure out what that means for you if you were to be their partner. That being said, being ace is hard. We live in an Uber sexualized world and especially as an ace dude who is expected to be sexual, it might be nice to be a friend who assures them it’s okay not to feel that way. Even if their feelings aren’t reciprocated.

That said, if that’s too much I totally understand. Relationships are hard. Friendships are hard. Being a teen is hard l. You have to do what you feel good about and tbh if learning your crush is ace closes that door, it might open a new one. You have no idea. You’re so young and have so many people left to meet. You’re going to figure it all out and be okay. And if you need more assurance or help, I’m always here.

[twili]

Maybe its bc im for the most part genderfluid but like.... i still dont think g*enderb*nds are that offensive and are ment to be malicious and nasty to nb/trans ppl. I mean as someone that'd LOVE to change the way I present whenever I want to I dont see them as that terrible. With anything theres always negatives and I won't say its completely flawless bc its not but i genuinely think it should be reclaimed. No one said it has to be a "cis" thing either there's a whole vatiety in gender presentation and its not called "cisbending" to begin with who says you cant take a character and make them trans if they werent before. Theres so many ways you could switch things up gender wise. Like I said before there should be some boundaries bc not everything could be good like taking a trans character and making them cis is awful and that isnt acceptable. But I still think it should be something thats repurposed and reclaimed instead of just trying to forget it even happened when its so ingrained into fandoms already.

[bibblelevi]

Ummm, excuse me, but you have dropped your crown. Your writing is exemplary as always! This chapter made me feel a whirlwind of emotions. I can easily feel the love Levi has for Reader the morning after. (Levi! youshouldhavejustkissedhergoodmorning!) Their playful banter while eating (tbh, i would rate it 11/10 too! Levi, you little shit, can you please do it again so we can properly reevaluate?) But their confrontation! Them both thinking they do not deserve each other, how they can easily console each other while demeaning themselves. But why do I feel like they still haven't let everything out. Ahhhhh. The painnn. I don't know what to feel and what to expect for the next chapter. We have waited for a kiss to happen, now we wait for them to say 'i love you'. And a flashback at the very end somehow eased the hurt a little bit. Like Erwin??? Orange, reallyy??

They def haven’t let everything out yet, but…. I have been drafting a couple scenes. But that’s all I’m saying about that.

They’re both making progress tho!! Slowly but surely. The summary for the next chapter is: While renovations at the shop are underway, Levi falls back into old habits. You decide to stage an intervention. And ooooooh boy I am so so so excited for 11 because I felt really in my element writing it!! I think you guys will like it a lot! There’s still some scenes to crank out and I need to edit what I already wrote, but an update will happen sooner rather than later.

I loved writing that little flashback at the end. I just think there’s something kinda wholesome about Erwin assigning Levi a “friend” 🥺 under the guise thats it’s for strictly professional reasons ofc🙄 Definitely not getting a girlfriend for his boyfriend!

[mbti-galaxies]

hello! sorry if this is bothersome, but i was wondering if you could help me distinguish between infp and isfp?

i’ve thought i was an infp for years now, using cognitive functions even. im definitely no expert, just kinda vaguely know what each one is, but i went through it using several sources i and was like “oh yeah oh yeah this is it” but i dont think it’s It anymore ??

i got diagnosed with adhd in december and ive been taking medication, so it’s been a lot easier to be able to distinguish what’s actually my personality and what kind of just comes from adhd. i think that i might actually be isfp. i think i related a lot to high Ne because with adhd youre always bouncing around restless wanting to do all the things, and youre brain’s always on rapid fire mode. but since ive been on meds ive been less like that and more grounded (i still do drift off a lot ofc cause that’s just how it is). and ive been able to realize that i dont actually get caught up in my thoughts a lot,,,,like i dont uhhhh care very much,,,i am not concerned with the future very much? i think im very in the present, and i kind of just do whatever is in front of me. whatever im in the mood for. sensory stuff. i love piano, ukulele, video games, drawing, etc. doing stuff with my hands. im also a dancer; it’s very fulfilling to be able to engage in something so physically stimulating and be creating art at the same time.

anyways this is so long but im very very leaning towards isfp. it’s crazy cause i used to think i was so head in the clouds but actually??? i love to be grounded?? i love to feel and see and observe things instead of be imagining and thinking about abstract stuff?? im very in the present and i Do Not think about future stuff at all? i really dont think about the big picture at all?????

i know you dont know me so you cant really tell me what my type is, but any input or other differences between infp and isfp would be so helpful!! i also just dont really trust myself and im seeking validation or correction lmao. thanks so much for reading this i appreciate you a lot

Hey!! You're not bothersome at all, I love getting asks and talking to people about their types so thank you so much for sending this!

Obviously I don't know you personally so I'm not going to claim I'm 100% sure of what you are, but right of the bat I can tell you that based on your explanation you definitely sound more like an ISFP rather than an INFP.

(I'm gonna put the rest of my thoughts and stuff under a read more cuz my response is long too lol)

First of all the fact that you mentioned being diagnosed with ADHD is actually really helpful because over the years learning about psychology (I'm majoring in it in college) and the MBTI Personality Theory I've definitely noticed that neurodivergency/mental disorders/mental illnesses play a huge role in how people interpret their type. It's really hard sometimes to tell the difference between whether a trait is your actual personality or something else going on in your brain. This is one reason why a lot of extroverts mistype themselves as introverts because they have social anxiety disorder, a lot of sensors mistype themselves as intuitives because they have ADHD(like your situation), a lot of thinkers mistype themselves as feelers because they have depression, etc.

Alright so now let's get into the major differences between ISFP and INFP.

Assuming you're pretty sure that you're at least IxFP, I won't get into the specifics of every single letter and function here, I'll just discuss the differences between having Se or Ne as your second function in the stack. (Fi-Se-Ni-Te vs Fi-Ne-Si-Te)

Compared to INFPs, ISFPs are much more grounded. Of course they still can drift off and daydream, but they tend to focus on the present more than the future and focus the majority of their stimulation on their physical environment rather than focusing the majority on their inner world.

This seems to match up with what you said: "i am not concerned with the future very much? i think im very in the present, and i kind of just do whatever is in front of me. whatever im in the mood for. sensory stuff. i love piano, ukulele, video games, drawing, etc. doing stuff with my hands. im also a dancer; it’s very fulfilling to be able to engage in something so physically stimulating and be creating art at the same time."

ISFPs also tend to be more practical overall. They can definitely see value in abstract ideas, but they don't spend hours thinking about the big picture and wild concepts like intuitives do. ISFPs may not care as much about the meaning behind something, they care more about how it makes them feel or affects the world around them. They're much more based in reality compared to INFPs, and because of this they also tend to be a little more easygoing and willing to try new things. They like to explore and observe and need outside stimulation a bit more than their intuitive counterparts, and because ISFPs are introverts, this stimulation tends to come from creative and sensory activities such as music, arts, games, etc. (In comparison to ESFPs, who might also need social stimulation in addition to these activities)

This makes sense with what you said: "i love to feel and see and observe things instead of be imagining and thinking about abstract stuff?? im very in the present and i Do Not think about future stuff at all? i really dont think about the big picture at all?????"

Some other differences between the two:

Both ISFPs and INFPs have strong moral compasses from their dominant Fi, but ISFPs may be the less strict of the two, or they may be able to change their opinions on something a little bit faster. This is because INFPs have a major tendency to overthink everything, so when new information comes in they basically have to reevaluate a lot of things. ISFPs on the other hand don't necessarily have to think through every little action that they do, if something feels wrong or they learn that something they do is wrong it's a much quicker turnaround since they don't get caught up in their head as much.

ISFPs aren't as idealistic as INFPs. Sure they have wants and dreams for themselves and the world, but they have much more realistic expectations overall.

ISFPs display their passions and feelings through actions primarily. They focus on displaying and expressing things (show not tell perse). INFPs display their passions and feelings through words and meaning primarily. They like thoroughly discussing or thinking through the why, figuring out patterns and connections.

So with all that in mind and your own thoughts about yourself and your type, I'd say you're an ISFP. Feel free to ask more questions if you have any or if I missed something! Thank you so so much for the ask and I hope you have a wonderful day!

[weltenwellen]

1/3 hi, do you happen to have any advice on how to accept and handle "criticism"? Most of the time when I'm given -usually unasked- opinion I immediately get defensive or even angry despite knowing they are not wrong -not always at least- and so when they point out smth which I knew wasn't right and therefore I already had intention of changing I'll most likely not acknowledge it and start arguing with them... tbh it drives me crazy cause it's stupid and I know that's not how it's supposed to go

2/3 but I sincerely don't know how to respond to that kind of stuff? I don't get why am I so stubborn, and I honestly don't want to be the kind of person who can't handle a simple comment and who takes everything personally :( I recently tried being more understanding and at least listening entirely to what the other had to say before making a scene out of it every time I did it I was mocked?? And that only made me even more frustrated because -and ik this doesn't exactly legitimize my reaction-

3/3 , but it wasn't easy for me to swallow my pride so why that attitude?? I don't expect them to welcome my efforts to change, ofc, but man if it ain't discouraging and frustrating, and now I'm realizing this ended up being a rant rather than a question sorry :| (also maybe I overdid the victim's role? Idk, I get told that I usually do it) In conclusion, I would appreciate if you have any suggestions or comments on this, I believe it could be helpful. Hope you have a lovely day :)

I don’t think it’s the criticism you should focus on at first, but I think you’re struggling with your core sense of self and as a result with the establishing of boundaries. I think in short, I'd say your problem is a combination of an unsure and low sense of self which makes you reevaluate yourself completely every time someone critiques you or compliments you. you’re unsure not only of who you are but also of what you're capable of and that makes you reevaluate yourself entirely every time someone comments or critiques your behaviour or a choice. every thought, word and action is in your opinion tied to your core sense of self.

there needs to be at the core of you a sense of worthiness and love for yourself based on which you can receive criticism but also praise and still be certain in who you are and what you’re capable. you’re getting angry and defensive because you think they’re right and you need to cover up a deficit and a lack in you. where with a healthier sense of self you’re able to come from a certainty of self where you can adjust and make improvements in your words and actions but also calmly and rightly reject bullshit and mean comments that people say to you. from experience I can say that people can sense when you feel uncertain about yourself or at least know when you have lower sense of self worth that them. once you strengthen and work on your core belief of being worthy and move towards being more authentic, you learn to draw those boundaries and act more calmly in moments where you receive criticism (also you will attract less people who will phrase their criticism in a mean spirited way). I hope that makes sense, I am really tired at the moment <3

[henriiiii-1001old]

small callout on someone :/

tw for panphobia, like active and current panphobia, not some shit from 4 years ago.

info under the “keep reading/read more” (i don’t remember exactly what it says :/ )

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so i found someone, @/mikeschmidt, who is actively panphobic. i vagueposted abt it yesterday, but i feel like something should be said abt this person. this isn’t like a “cancel this person post” and i don’t really want this post to get too big bc this will definitely start drama. this is just an informational post abt someone who is actively being panphobic and even hurting the bi community by doing so...

now, before anyone fucking says anything like “oh ur probably just a triggered pansexual get lost” i am not pan, i am bi. and if you are bi and are panphobic get the fuck off my page and reevaluate your beliefs. pansexuals are fucking people and deserve rights.

.

so, image 1: me looking at this person’s carrd and seeing pansexuals on their dni list (second to last thing on the list)

while the other criteria on the dni list is very reasonable imo, me seeing that they put pansexuals on their dni,, really set off some red flags for me. i then sent them an ask to conform if this was possibly a joke. it wasn’t.

image 2: me going on anon to ask them abt it; they said they had sources as to why panphobia is harmful (seen in the tags)

i kinda understand why they feel somewhat uncomfortable around them bc they have trauma from receiving a lot of biphobia from pansexuals themselves, but why block all pansexuals together? they said it themself that they don’t hate pan kids, but then why not just put pansexual adults on ur dni?? still very panphobic though since ur excluding adults of a specific sexuality.

image 3: again being slightly panphobic here

it seems that they are trying to excuse their own panphobia by saying that they are trans and bi, which isn’t really a good excuse for being hateful. this ofc does NOT mean that they are faking being trans and bi and they are valid as those things.

image 4: them saying that if you don’t like the bi flag you are biphobic

that,,, is not true at all??? some people may just not like the colors bc of preferences. also, why is this person getting so worked up bc some people think the bi flag looks better than the pan and poly flags?? it’s called having an opinion thank you very much. (also just to say, i think all lgbt flags are pretty bc we have good taste)

image 5: reblogging a VERY panphobic post from someone else who is also possibly panphobic from reblogging this post alone

this,,, this angers me that there are people like this. by panphobe, we mean you are shitty enough to think that pansexuals don’t deserve rights and you need to look hard at yourself in the mirror before you oppress someone. pride includes them for a reason ya know. they are fighting for the same right the gays, lesbians, and bi people are; to love who they wanna love.

to all the pansexual people following me, you are seen and you are loved. i do not tolerate all this bullshit about you guys. your label is not made up or fake, you are real and a part of our community.

[cncoh-damn]

Director AU

In which (Y/N) is an aspiring director/producer whose mother and father are a director and producer respectively. And did we mention that they own what’s possibly the biggest production company on the planet?

General Headcanons:

you’ve got a squad of your own, and the ages are practically identical with the guys’ ages. except for the part where you’re born in 2000 and not 2001, unlike Erick. and your squad has twins, they don’t.

each member of your group has like this persona that everyone associates with said member.

the oldest of your group is Elodie Bauer, who isn’t really the most mature person, but damn if she can’t throw a party. it’s kind of why everyone calls her the Party Animal. 

then there are the twins, Kiana and Kiara Mirren, whose parents just so happen to own the biggest talent agency in the Western hemisphere. between the two of them, Kiara is much more quiet and demure, though she has a reputation for being unpredictable, hence her reputation as the Wildcard. unlike her twin, Kiana is a creature of habit, and one of them includes being the mom friend. for a while, you all considered referring her to as such, but it didn't quite sit right. Sweetheart, on the other hand, did.

the second youngest is Alexandria Roxas, a half-Filipino whose family belongs to a successful line of celebrity entrepreneurs. with her flair for the dramatics, everyone took to calling her Drama Queen, something she takes as a compliment despite the obvious negative connotations.

finally, there’s you, (Y/N) (L/N), and your parents own a production company known for hugely successful films, be they foreign or not. as you aspire to be a producer and director, you picked up quite a few tricks, especially in editing, but this isn’t where your greatest asset lies. despite being the youngest of your group, your professionalism and maturity are second to no one in your age range, earning you the title of Girlboss.

How You Met:

you first met the guys on the set of Reggaeton Lento Remix, when Jade came over to meet them while they (CNCO) shot their parts of the music video.

honestly you were just there to grab the footage so you could start editing

but then they weren’t done yet so you just went to a corner and started editing the footage you did have

like after you introduced yourself to them, the director told you that they weren’t done filming so you just went  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ before plopping down in a corner

the guys were kinda weirded out/intimidated bc you sounded hella professional even if you looked like you were Erick’s age

but it lowkey didn’t stop Chris and Erick from tossing a few flirty comments your way

and then when they were done you introduced yourself again but in a nicer and chiller way

Before: “(Y/N) (L/N), I’ll be editing the video and splicing the footage together.”

After: “Hi, I’m (Y/N), and I’m really excited to work with you guys!”

the difference was staggering

plus you wound up as a translator of sorts that day because GOOD LORD JADE’S ACCENT IS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND EVEN IF YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE IS ENGLISH

not that you minded, you had a Spanish test the next day and it really brushed up your skills so yaaaaaayyyy

still, they were all kinda shookt af when they found out you were just a year older than Erick

Jade: Yeah, she’s a lot more machuad (y’all know this is how she pronounces matured lmao) than most kids her age.

Relationships With Them:

Christopher Velez:

ooh boi

first time you met, you literally didn’t believe he was the oldest

Chris thought you were vvvvvv cute, let’s just get that out of the way

and he flirted with you a lil bit

but you didn't notice bc you were editing

BUT you did give him a random compliment

like you looked up and he was fixing his hair

and then you said "Su pelo se ve bien" in accented asf Spanish and he was shookt

but he appreciated the compliment

and then you went back to editing before he could strike up a conversation whoops

but then y'all went to dinner and ofc you tagged along, and even if his English wasn't as good as Joel's or Richard's, he understood enough to know when you exposed someone

and he's like "damn mami is savage"

tl;dr: You're oblivious to his flirting but he's a fan of how savage you can get.

much later, you two become close bc you wind up laughing at Erick's jokes at the exact same time

Richard Camacho:

like with Chris, you didn't notice him much bc you were editing

but you managed to hold a minute-long conversation with him bc they were on break and you didn't know where the bathroom was

plus he was the first one you saw (and ngl, you were more comfortable speaking to him bc you’re both short)

so you shuffled up to him and was like “Um, sorry to bother you but... Where’s the bathroom?”

RICHUKI WAS SHOOK

the difference was, as said before, pretty shocking

total 180 degree turn from mature and professional to awkward and smol

he gave you directions ofc and internally you were like phew he speaks English bc it’d be awkward af on your part if you had to repeat it in Spanish

so during dinner you wound up sitting across him

and you have this habit of swinging your legs a little when bored, so you might’ve accidentally kicked him a bit

when you noticed that, you apologized a lot. like you even offered some of your dessert bc you didn’t want him to be offended

I feel like he wouldn’t take it personally tbh

later on, when y’all get to know each other a bit more, he kind of becomes your main bro figure. not brother figure, because that’s Zabdiel, but bro figure.

and sometimes, if you’re in the same area, you end up babysitting Aaliyah

you’re a good bro, he’s a good bro

why else would you constantly call each other out on your bullshit

Zabdiel de Jesus

deadass the first time you saw him you were like oh shit

not that anyone can blame you, he’s tall asf and you’re tiny

for a good while you didn’t really talk to him

until Jade roped you into a conversation she was having with him, Joel, and Erick

internally you just sigh. socializing. niceee.

note the sarcasm

ANYWAY, when Joel gets a call, he leaves right? so Zabdiel and Erick are stuck there and from the looks on their faces you can kinda tell they don’t understand what Jade’s saying

so you scoot a little closer to them and hope your Spanish isn’t as bad as you thought it was bc you explained what she was saying

(Y/N) (L/N): video editor, aspiring director, now part-time interpreter

not that you were complaining ofc, it’s like studying for a test!

anyway after that you kinda stuck with them for a bit if only to help them understand what Jade was saying

you might have bumped into Zabdiel a couple of times

and that’s when you learned he’s actually a bit of a gentle giant

so yaaaayyyy

tbh you thought he was the oldest; he seemed the most mature of them

he’s definitely the first one outside of your own squad that you contact when you need help

he’s brotherly like that

gives great advice to you

and you lend a listening ear when he needs to let off some steam so it’s a symbiotic relationship you two have

Joel Pimentel:

honestly, your relationship with him can be described with one phrase: sass-offs.

but it wasn’t like that in the beginning

you and Joelito were pretty shy towards one another

UNTIL he saw you going through puppy pictures while you waited for the footage to render

and then you two talked/fawned over puppies in your corner

damn he spent most of his break there

so when Jade roped you into the conversation you didn’t really feel too awkward

but when Joel left the awkwardness came back

it was a pleasant surprise for you and him that you managed to get comfortable with Erick and Zabdiel, even if you were on translator duty that time

bear in mind that at this point both of you thought the other was a little cinnamon roll

but when dinner rolled around, he had to reevaluate his opinion of you because goddamn you didn’t hold back

every time you were about to spill the tea or roast someone, you would calmly sip your iced tea before speaking

sometimes the tea wasn’t the shocking bit, it was the way you said it

something in his mind just clicked and went oh when you first did that

needless to say, he showed a bit of sass too and you were living for it

SASS BUDDIES

it’s terrifying when both of you are on Twitter at the same time

think Joel’s sass but doubled and more subtle

that’s you

it’s gotten to the point that the rest of the guys try to keep you and Joel from being on Twitter at the same time

but nah, they can’t keep you two apart for long. platonically ofc

Erick Brian Colon:

you’re both the babies of your respective groups and that’s something you’re quick to tell him

so you two kinda bond over that, but not too much just yet

one of the first things you tell him is “Nice bowling skills” as a reference to the music video for Reggaeton Lento

yes bitch, you watched all their previous music videos to get a feel of sorts for the aesthetic they match for their music

while you’re lowkey gloating at how there’s finally someone on set who’s younger than you, Erick might’ve already been developing a tiny crush. on you.

but you’re a.) oblivious and b.) busy editing the video so you don’t notice

poor Erick

needless to say, he tosses flirty comments your way more than anyone else

but it doesn’t quite catch your attention.

what does, however, are his jokes.

yep. you don’t know enough Spanish to get a perfect score on your tests (yet) but you know enough to understand his shitty jokes.

Erick probably had heart eyes when you laughed at his joke

and that, ladies and gents, is where your friendship with Christopher Velez and Erick Brian Colon began

even if Erick still had a crush on you.

After y’all finish eating dinner, you grab the footage and fly back to LA because you had classes the next day. Friday of that week is when you contact Clara to set up a meeting because you’ll be done editing it Monday next week.

It’s a vid conference with CNCO and Little Mix where you send the video to them and let them watch it while you wait for their opinions. They all love it, of course, but the girls have worked with you before and know what you did.

Perrie: How much sleep did you get?

You, mildly sweating: Uh, eight hours.

You: In the past three days.

And that’s how Little Mix exposed your nonexistent sleeping habits in front of the guys.

[canaryatlaw]

today was...a lot. morning was actually pretty good, my emotions have just kinda been all over the place. I never notice when I’m in a depressive spiral until I hit the bottom and look back like oh yeah, that would make sense why I’ve been sleeping so much and feeling so anxious and stressed about work (and I mean, work is definitely a part of it, which really just means I need to get the position at the DV clinic that much more) and discouraged all the time, along with skipping church for like, a solid month, even going in for the babies one week but not staying for the service because I just didn’t have it in me. I think I need to really reevaluate who and what is important to me and how that actually has an impact on my life and wellbeing. Most of all I need to stop relying on other people for emotional fulfillment, because eventually they will let you down and I can’t keep putting myself through that pain. I’ve been thinking back to when my life wasn’t as crazy like it is now. I’ve tended to look back on that time negatively, at least in the positive moments now. But the truth was that while my life was pretty boring, I wasn’t depressed (save for the summer of 2017, but that was external circumstances that I couldn’t control). I was happy with the life I had and the friends I had, and god do I miss those friends. I’m talking to them in a GC on twitter like right now and I really just miss them. It’s been way too long since I’ve gotten to see them and actually hang out with them. And these are my friends- mine, not friends by association with someone else who I know aren’t at all loyal to me as actual friends and I really don’t trust most of them. Is it nice to have sometime to do on my weekends now? Yeah, it is, but the drawbacks have been beginning to weigh on me, and now I’m not sure that it’s always what’s best for me. I’m not saying I want it all gone, because for the most part I do very much like my life now, but there are definitely some things that need to change, because I can’t keep doing this. And more than anything I think those changes need to come from me, not anyone else. god, I’d kill for a good therapist that I was comfortable with and knew I could trust right now just to talk this all out with. I just need to be better with controlling my emotions and not getting attached to people who aren’t going to be there for me. I need to rely on myself, not other people. so that’s pretty much all the emotions I’ve been processing. I’m still split on whether I should say anything to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment Tuesday. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I should, I’m just so scared of switching meds that might result in a very bad result like it has in the past, and I really don’t trust this new guy yet, so far all he’s done is prescribed the meds I told him I was already own, I don’t have any examples of his judgment on which to base a decision. But I realized today that it’s definitely worse than I thought, so at this point I pretty much feel like I have to, even though that scares me. sigh. okay, I think that’s all my feelings for now, I may come back and add more sentences while writing the rest of the post. but yeah, my day, let’s get to that. I woke up to my alarm at 7:15 and surprisingly managed to get out of bed without that much effort. Got ready, public transit was actually cooperating with my schedule for once and I literally made it inside the sanctuary 20 seconds before the service started, lol, can’t beat that. I had taken a seat next to this guy after asking if it was open, and we started talking a little, just bits and pieces during the service. and y’all, he was SO cute. Kinda preppy, wearing a polo shirt, but it looked classy, not douchey. so throughout the service (which I’ll get to in a minute) I’m like sneaking glances over to him. He just moved to Chicago, and it was his first time at the church, so we talked a bit about that stuff. And like, at this point my brain was setting off serious alarm bells (in a good way, lol) because finding single cute guys at this church is fucking impossible, and I saw my opportunity and knew I had to take it. So once the service was over I was just like “I’m never this forward, but are you seeing anyone? dating in this church is impossible because everyone’s already taken, lol” which he laughed at. He responded that he wasn’t seeing anyone, but felt like he wasn’t really in a good place to be in a relationship right now because he’s got some things he has to deal with, but if he was available he would *definitely* be interested, which he certainly did not have to add if he was just trying to blow me off haha. I said ofc I totally understand, and if he gets things worked out, he’d know where to find me. We left off saying we’d see each other in the weeks to come. So overall I’m declaring this a successful guy interaction! I’ve literally never done that before in my life haha so I’d say pretty good. But yeah the service was really good, started by talking about the beginning of Matthew reading the genealogy of Jesus (which is of course not terribly thrilling haha but that was the point) and then went to talking about how each person on that list had a story and how your story is going to impact the people around you if you allow God to work through you and share it. Really good stuff. And just to make it super awesome, they brought an ice cream truck and paid for everyone to get ice cream??? have I mentioned how much I love my church??? so so much, lol. these people get me. So of course I went down and got an ice pop before proceeding to the volunteer huddle, and it was very much appreciated. Once I was done I went to the volunteer lounge and we did our kick off, and then headed to the baby room. There were 3 of us in the babies and 1 in the walkers, but at this point we’d basically been combining them so it wasn’t really an issue. We started getting babies pretty quickly, and they just kept coming, and coming, and coming.....it was getting insane. and when I say babies I mean like infants, under 1 and either not being able to crawl or just starting to figure it out, and we were running out of rockers and just about anything else to put them in. So at this point it was getting to pandemonium very quickly. I think the final count ended up being 18 babies for 4 volunteers, which is NUTS. Thankfully our kids ministry people are super awesome and did everything they could to help out and took the crying ones on a stroller ride with the massive stroller they have, and that always helps. but yeah, in my 3 years of volunteering with the babies, this was the most babies I have ever seen. Like older kids? sure, I’ve seen plenty of those. but babies?? like those are sooo much harder and require so much more attention. so it was definitely a challenge. Apparently the reason for this was for some reason this service was absolutely flooded with people, with the sanctuary packed out and over 100 people (100!!! people!!!) in the overflow space, which is insane. no idea what triggered that, but definitely a good problem to have. so eventually the service ended and everyone got picked up, and after cleaning up I headed home. Commute home was fine, once I got here I had some lunch and was on my laptop for a bit before starting to get some work done, still doing case research so that’s at least preferable to writing for me, and I got 4 hours of work in so that’s good. I’m at 14 hours so far for the week from Friday to today, so to make 40 hours by the end of Thursday I gotta do 3 days of 6 hours and 1 day of 8 hours (or some similar combination) which is definitely doable, so I’m pleased with that. I finally stopped to watch the Teen Choice Awards, which I felt absolutely ridiculous doing, but I wanted to see Monsta X perform, so I stuck it out for them and was pleased with that. My roommate came home earlier than she normally does so we sat and watched it and mostly laughed at people. They ended up not airing like, the majority of the awards and ended it after two hours which was very strange. I could’ve sworn Monsta X got nominated for “Who Do You Love?” in like an international song category, but couldn’t find any proof of that anywhere, so idk. Of course BTS won every award it was nominated for, including best fandom, so no surprise there. Once it was over we watched the news for a bit and eventually my roommate moved to her bedroom and I turned to netflix and watched an episode of Sugar Rush before showering and starting to get ready for bed, and now I’m here. Ooof that was a long post, but I clearly had a lot to say. Hopefully tomorrow will be better emotionally and I’ll be able to figure out what I need to do going forward to take better care of myself. Until then, I definitely need to be getting some sleep since it’s just past 1 am at the moment, and I need to do at least 6 hours of work tomorrow, do laundry, and hopefully make a quick Walgreens run for face wash and milk, so plenty to do so I’m gonna go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

[like-a-bag-of-potatoes]

Reunited - Five

A/N: Part five of ?? I really don't know how long this series will be, but around 10 chapters. I was gonna keep the angst going at least one more chapter, but then I made a deal with @supernatural-jackles, so here comes some fluff…. A special shout out to my beta @thorne93, you’re awesome. Feedback is always appreciated.

Characters: Jensen, Reader, Jared, Lexi (OFC) and of course… Jack;)

Warnings: Some angst and some fluff.

Wordcount: 2775

Catch up HERE

   When Monday arrived you were still curled up in a ball on your couch, you hadn't been outside or talked to anyone all weekend, except for texting Rose that you were alive. Jensen was still on your mind, the smell of him, the taste, the familiarity of his touch, the feel of his lips on yours… why had you kissed him? Now you were right back where you were eleven years ago, heartbroken, but this time you had no one to blame but yourself.

Around noon you realized that you wouldn't be able to make it into work today, Lexi and Sarah had the day covered, but there was some paperwork that needed to get done. You called Lexi and asked if she would be able to bring them by your house on her way home from work, something she agreed to do. You didn't know what you would do without those girls. You made a mental note to get them something for all the extra help you had gotten over the past week.

You padded around your house in a pair of shorts and a tank top, your hair tied in a messy bun on the top of your head. You didn't bother to change into anything else as you knew you weren't leaving the house that day either. You didn't even want to go to get your mail in case you ran into Jensen. How did you get yourself into this? Jensen and his stupid, candy green eyes was definitely a part of it so you decided to blame him a little too.

Around 4 pm Lexi was at your door, bright smile and a bunch of papers in her hands.

“Oh.. is that all?” you asked sarcastically.

“Yeah. You know, if you had gotten your butt into work on Saturday, it wouldn't have piled up,” she teased. Lexi had worked for you for years now, resulting in your relationship turning more friendly than boss/employee.

“Funny,” you said dryly. “You want coffee?”

“You wanna tell me what's going on?”

 “No… You want coffee?” you asked again, letting her know you weren't in the mood to talk.

You and Lexi headed for your backyard, stopping only to put the papers away and grabbing coffee from the kitchen. You talked for a while, catching up, and somehow she managed to drag the whole Jensen ordeal out of you. You swore it was a special power of hers, making people talk when they didn't want to. She should probably work for the FBI or something. She tried not to get too excited about the whole Jensen being a celebrity thing, but it was obvious that she wanted to know more about both him and his friend Jared. You didn't indulge her today though, you weren't really in the mood.

An hour had gone by before she told you she had to go, it was nice to have some company, but you were happy you didn't have to entertain guests any longer. Besides, it was nearing Jack ‘o clock.

When the two of you were saying goodbye in the hall, the doorbell rang. Your first instinct was to ignore it, but your curiosity got the better of you.

“Hey!” Jared greeted as you opened the door, sending you and Lexi one of those boyish grins. “Is this a bad time?”

“Actually…” you started, but your friend cut you off.

“This is a perfect time,” Lexi piped in. “I was just leaving, but there is more coffee left inside.”

“Okay?” Jared said with a nervous laugh.

“I'm Lexi by the way,” she said, extending her hand. “(Y/N) is my boss,” she explained, waiting for Jared to introduce himself.

“I think you mean ex-boss,” you said.

“Love you too,” she beamed, hugging you quickly before all but sprinting off. She was a total sweetheart, but sometimes she could be a little pushy, probably for your own good, but you would never admit that to her.

“Sorry about her,” you said, motioning for Jared to follow you inside and to the kitchen.

“No, she seemed feisty,” he said, a smile playing on his lips as he looked at the door she had disappeared through.

“You got that right,” you mumbled.

You offered him some coffee as the two of you sat down at your kitchen counter. The conversation was light at first. He told you he had been to look at a few houses today, but nothing he was interested in. You talked a little about your store, and your employees, he seemed especially interested in Lexi, even if he tried to play it cool you could tell he liked her. It was strange how easily the conversation flowed between you given that you had spent no more than ten minutes with him before. He was much like Jensen, which was probably why you got along so good.

“So… Wanna tell me why you’re really here?” you asked when you had exhausted all appropriate subjects.

“It's about Jensen,” Jared said, an apologetic look on his face.

“Shocker.” Your voice laced with sarcasm.

“I don't know what happened between you on Friday, but Jensen's been a mess ever since. I'm here because I worry about my friend.”

“Well.... It hasn't exactly been a cakewalk for me either, you know.”

“I know…. Or.. I only know what he's told me, and that is that he cares for you deeply.”

“I care about him too,” you admitted.

“Then please… Just talk to him. Sort this out one way or the other.”

Jared left after that. He had told you what was on his mind, and now the rest was up to you.

**

After Jared was gone, you sat down with the pile of papers that Lexi brought to try and get some work done. It was hard to concentrate on anything, but you had to get this done, you figured the girls wouldn't be to happy if they didn't get paid. After that was sorted, you tried to focus on the new deal that you had made with a wedding planner. It was a contract for a year, and she had at least three weddings a month already booked. This was a really important deal for your little company, and it was important that you and Wendy, the wedding planner, worked well together. Your brain knew all of this, but today it was hard to keep focus, your mind constantly wandering towards Jensen. How had you managed to land yourself in this situation? You loved him. That was never a question. Did you trust him? Yes. You liked to pretend like you didn't, it was an easy excuse to use to not let him get close again. But still you remembered the heartbreak that he caused you, and there was no way you could survive that again.

It was already too late, though. You had fallen for him again. You had let yourself love him again. Or maybe you never stopped. Either way, you were as heartbroken now as you were eleven years ago.

“Who the hell am I kidding?? I know I'm gonna text him…” you mumbled to yourself as you got up to search for your phone. You had no idea what you were going to say to him, or what you wanted to achieve by texting him, but you knew you had to talk to him.

“Hi. I’m really sorry for how I acted the other night. Any chance you want to come over and talk it through? I wanna apologize properly.”

You wrote and rewrote the text about ten times before you just pressed send, knowing that if you didn't you would probably chicken out.

It took ten agonizing minutes before he texted back, giving you enough time to reevaluate your entire life, twice. It was with shaky hands that you opened the text from him, not knowing what to expect.

“Absolutely. Just tell me when and where.”

You let out a long breath of relief after you had read the message, texting him to meet you at your house at 6 pm and that you would order a pizza. That gave you a few hours to clean up a little and grab a shower and such.

**

You were so nervous as you waited for Jensen to ring your door. You were pacing the floor, sweating, butterflies, pounding heart… all of those fun things.

When the bell finally rang, you ran to the door… then waited a few more seconds before you opened, so he wouldn't think that you ran to the door. Great job acting like a complete fool (YN).

Jensen looked… tired, but he tried to hide it with a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes like it normally does. You stood there in silence for a moment before you finally found your voice and invited him in.

“Jack? Or coffee?” you asked as he followed you to the kitchen.

“Jack is good.”

You dug two glasses from the kitchen and handed them to Jensen before collecting Jack from the liquor cabinet and making your way to the couch, Jensen joining you.

“I'm really sorry for how I acted on Friday. I wish I could blame the alcohol or something, but unfortunately that was all me,” you said as you filled both your glasses, trying to avoid looking at him.

“You don't have to apologize, (YN). I pushed you, and I shouldn't have.” Jensen took a sip from his glass, enjoying the slight burn in his throat. “I know you have no reason to hear me out, but if you’re willing, I would like to tell you what made me break up with you all those years ago.”

You looked into Jensen's emerald green eyes, mulling it over in your head a little. Was this something you really wanted to know? You had wondered for so many years, but were you ready to hear it?       

“You know, you don't have to give me a reason, Jensen,” you tried.

“I know… but I want to.”

“Okay.” You took a sip from your glass, getting ready to hear whatever it was he had to say, trying to brace yourself against… everything.

“After I started working on ‘Days’, everything changed, and fast. I was working around the clock because I wanted to do my very best, this was my first shot, a stepping stone, and I needed to be the best I could be. Before I knew what was happening, people were starting to recognize me on the streets, asking for my autograph, complimenting me on my work and… I don't know. It was all very strange, but fun and intoxicating at the same time. It was a whirlwind and I had a hard time not getting swept up in it, to keep my legs planted on the ground,” Jensen explained, pausing only to take another drink from his glass. “It wasn't until I saw that article about me and that other girl that I realized how crazy this all was. That photo was taken while at dinner with ten others, but because of the angle it looked like it was only me and her. Another of my colleagues told me that it was a price I had to pay, that gossip columns and rumors came with the job description. I was young and stupid and I wanted to sheild you from all of that. I didn't want you to get wrapped up in something I didn't feel like I had a handle on myself.”

“You know that I could have made that decision for myself, right?” Jensen just nodded and looked away. “You didn't even give me a chance to support you, to help you stay grounded or whatever,” you said calmly. He had given you an explanation, even if you didn't like it, you tried to remind yourself that he was young, in a city he didn't know, away from all his family and friends. You understood that he had thought he did what was best for you, but it still hurt that he had chosen to push you away instead of reaching out to you when he was having a hard time adjusting.

“I know…” Jensen looked up at you, his eyes meeting yours. “I am sorry.”

“I believe you,” you said, his eyes widening, a small smile playing on his lips. He didn't quite know what he had expected, maybe some yelling, definitely some anger, but there was nothing like that in your eyes at all, there was nothing but honesty in them.

“So… where does this leave us?” he asked warily, not wanting to push, but not wanting to leave here without an answer either.

“I don't know,” you said truthfully, getting up from your seat and started pacing the floor. “I've missed you like crazy all of these years. It's like I haven't been able to move on properly. Every guy I've dated has been measured up to the impossible standard that you set, and none of them qualified. I've felt like something has been missing in my life without really knowing what it was, but that feeling has gone away after you came back. That doesn't mean that I'm ready to jump back in a relationship… if that's what you want… but it does mean that I can't imagine my life without you in it,” you rambled, saying out loud every thought you had in your head at that point.

Jensen didn't know how to react to that, but a small spark of hope was ignited inside of him. He walked over to you and took your hands in his much larger ones, looking deep into your eyes. “I don't think that I have been very vague about what I want,” he started with that stupidly charming smile of his. “I want you. I want to be with you. I want to try this again,” he said, trying to be as clear as he could. “So I'm leaving this for you to decide. If you want to try, just say the word. We can start fresh, first date… second date… and we’ll see where it takes us. If you don't want that, I'll find away and be okay with that too, but I don't think I can live my life without you in it.”

“I need some time to think about it. I can't make a decision while looking at this annoyingly handsome face,” you teased.

“I just heard handsome,” he joked. “But of course. Take all the time you need.”

“Thank you,” you breathed. You had no idea where to go from here, but for once all the cards were on the table and both knew where the other stood.

“Thank you for listening to me. I'm gonna go… give you some space. Just let me know when and what you decide, alright?” Jensen leaned in to give you a chaste kiss to your cheek before turning around and walking towards your door.

You stood there, glued in place as you watched him walk away, your head spinning a million miles an hour. Everything was a blur as all sorts of emotions rushed through your body.

“Jensen!” you yelled right as he was about to open the door, making him stop and turn towards you.

“Yes?” he asked hopefully.

You didn't answer, just walked towards him in quick strides, a determined look on your face. Once you were toe to toe with him, you reached up to cup his cheeks before leaning up on your tiptoes to crash your lips to his in a bruising kiss. It took him a moment to respond, but when he did you could feel him melting into your touch, his lips moving with yours as his hands snaked around your waist to pull you closer into him. You let everything that was Jensen surround you, the familiarity of his touch, his scent, his taste… everything. Your heart was galloping in your chest as you pulled apart, your knees shaking under you.

“So is that a yes?” he asked softly, barely above a whisper. You just nodded, not trusting your voice right now. “How does Wednesday sound for a first date?” he asked.

“Sounds perfect,” you said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Then Wednesday it is,” Jensen said, mirroring your smile.

“One thing you should know about me, though…” you said in a teasing tone. “I don't kiss on the first date.”

“Well then… Sounds like I have to make the most of tonight then.” Jensen tightened his hold on you and dipped his head down, capturing your lips with his once again.

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