#and now i feel sick
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Someone draw Ignacio dying of heatstroke STAT
#i spent too much time in the heat#and now I feel sick#related to that one thing that had me tweaking before#my personal life is a dumpster fire#rambling#spooky month#ignacio
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#i imagined Jason in his 40s as a professor at the Camp Jupiter uni#and now i feel sick#jason grace#heroes of olympus#hoo#trials of apollo#toa#hoo toa
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Completely forgot it’s exam results tonight 😰
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One thing no one tells you about when you start treating your body right and eating better is the moment you try to eat some shit that you know is junk… you just start to feel 🤢.
#I was having a good reset and now I gotta do it all over again#and now I feel sick#I really tried it this week tbh
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😖
#i hate my job but the moment a potentially better one comes up#my brain is like change scary!!!!!!!!#and now i feel sick
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having a crush when there’s no chance of anything happening is so fun but having a crush with actual, tangible potential makes me feel so ill
#why!!! why why why!!!#like relationships in theory: super cool and nice i want that!!#relationships when they are within reach: feel like throwing up this is awful this is horrible i have to be Seen i have to be Understood NO#don’t even get me started on the fact that i also just feel entirely unworthy of being loved#and the idea of someone like actually wanting to be with me is completely unbelievable#hggggghhgggg i have bigger things to worry about but for the last two days this person is just in the back of my mind#and it could very well be real#but also my brain is like ‘what if they’re actually disgusted by the idea of you liking them :) what about that’#and now i feel sick#like bitch i have an exam tomorrow morning get a grip!!!#getting real close to pushing this person away besties… and that’s not what we do but it’s so much easier fuck#i won’t bc they mean too much to me and we’ve been friends for five years#but it would be so so much easier :))) and i feel fucking awful that that’s the way i feel#talk time
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i miss writing about deep visceral love and devotion and living as an extension of another being and loving so deeply your body and theirs are blurred at the edges of where you connect i miss that vulnerability and joy i miss writing about touch and intimacy i miss being able to explore love and shame and sex through characters and writing and words that felt like dancing images
#ive been perusing my old works and it just makes me feel so blue#talking about writing in the past tense is really sad! but i think im just afraid to try and find shame and failure again#can you tell the artist block is getting to the stage where i viscerally psychoanalyze everything i ever was that was better than this#going through art block is like the stages of grief except theres a new one. existential dread#sorry SORRY i am lost i was going to reupload my works the other day but i had a. frankly an awful interaction w some1 reposting fics#and now i feel sick#thello babbles#this is what happens when i leave my containment bin i need my handlers EZRA OLLIE
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i feel like people are skimming over the uk riots in a way that makes me want to tear my hair out. muslims in the uk are in active danger. immigrants in the uk are in active danger. refugees in the uk are in active danger. people of colour in the uk are in active danger. asian communities in the uk are in active danger. black communities in the uk are in active danger.
there are massive far right riots throughout the country right now and people like fucking elon musk and nigel farage are inciting it and still have a platform to speak. people have used three young girls deaths, people's genuine grief in southport, to try and gain traction for their own racist bullshit and it's working.
a lot of refugee charities have been forced to close leaving many people without support, homes, funding, food, etc. if you aren't able to donate please consider sending a message via the conversation over borders campaign! it will send a hopeful, welcoming letter to a refugee in the uk. there is also a guide to staying safe here.
please do your own research and donate to refugee charities, anti-islamophobia charities, mosques who are trying to rebuild after being destroyed, counter protesters, here are some i've heard positive things about but the list is extensive; southport strong together (support for the southport victims and their families), southport mosque rebuilding, riot repair fund, middlesbrough vulnerable residents, nasir mosque rebuilding, hull help for refugees, bristol welcomes migrants,
#i know there's so much going on but if you can take a second to support these groups !!#i just feel kinda sick#i wanted to add with so many people seeing this that i'm white im british and im extremely privileged to not be in active danger right now#i don't want to take away from people speaking out about this who are in a place of danger#this was really only meant to be for my followers#but i'm glad more people get to see what's happening and donate !!!
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Hi I fell asleep at 4 and woke up at 6 to a text from my landlord asking if he could come over, and when I told him I was packing to leave for the weekend, was everything okay? With my heart pounding and in a cold ‘oh no I’m in trouble’ sweat, instantly anxiety nauseous, because it’s SIX A.M?! And he responds like fifteen minutes later that he just wanted to drop by a present for my kiddo. RICHARD. PLEASE!
#god i’m so tired#and now I feel sick#because who messages someone this early if it’s not like#bad news#an emergency#idk fuck#personal#well I’m certainly up now
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I am having to sit through a family dinner and am being forced to listen to them being bigoted and somehow the worst part of this is that I just ate the most mid gnocchi to grace this Earth
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Act I ~ The Prince
A tapestry for Let No One Sleep by @azalawa-scroggs on ao3
#narumitsu#wrightworth#phoenix wright#miles edgeworth#nmbb24#happy nrmt big bang!!! there are two more of these…..#but you’ll have to wait for them#fan art#aa#ace attorney#dick gumshoe#maya fey#manfred von karma#…bro is creeping…#wHEEWWWW ok took me a bazillion years to catch up with my day but HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON THIS ONE:#the border is intended to be read in counter clockwise direction#so: top -> left -> bottom -> right#and YES the sun and the moon are intentionally associated with the attorney's and prosecutor's badges respectively#phoenix and miles are our sun and moon throughout this story so be sure to look for that in the fic too!!#this style was very experimental for me but i wanted it to mimic the feeling of a tapestry hence me referring to it that way#i WISH this was fabric that would be sick as fuck#i will eventually share a proper breakdown of the thoughts and intentions behind everything but for now...#im gonna miss Phoenix’s cloak bc im obsessed with the design actually. wish that thing was real too#miles is my cunty little bitchboy in this wearing his thousand pound fur coat and the suitor stompy boots#if you thought that was a rug and went Oh. ...that was on purpose :^)))))#rendevok#id in alt text
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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✨⚔ The Veilguard 🛡✨
#Dragon Age#Dragon Age: the Veilguard#DAtV#FanFriDAys#Neve Gallus#Bellara Lutare#Taash#Davrin#Warden Davrin#Assan#Lucanis Dellamorte#Lace Harding#Scout Lace Harding#Emmrich Volkarin#Fanart#was feeling insane last friday night and now here we are~#and of course new trailers get released and i find out I've drawn everyone's shit wrong :)))))#ahhhh well I've given it my best and i was probably gonna end up taking some liberties somewhere anywayssss#I can't WAIT to meet all of the in October i'm so excited i'm gonna be sick I'm Already Throwing Up
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blehhh breaking my fast at 41 hours
fried egg (92)
half cup of white rice (160)
252 total cal
ended up eating some cinnabon snack thing that was 50 cals
302 calorie total
#i got to learn to eat slower bc i finished this in 17 min#and now i feel sick#im kinda glad though bc i was scared i was going to binge
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@mnvart // Kaveh Akbar, 'Calling A Wolf A Wolf' // @PinkRangerLB on Twitter // @kosmogrl // @devinsturk, '15 Proverbs for the Fellow Chronically Ill' // Jasmine Deporta // Anaïs Nin, House of Incest // the gentle wisdom uquiz by @inkskinned // Rora Blue, 'Sweet Dreams' // Hala Alyan, Dear Layal
#web weaving#webs#mine#theme: sickness#theme: sleep#theme: this is me trying#theme: i have no choice but to live with this#so. i havent made any webs in a while#ive been working full time and really struggling; turns out my thyroid has become unbalanced again#in addition to the cfs which has been actively ruining my life for eight years now#and this is how i feel about it. basically.#tw chronic illness#@mnvart#minava#kaveh akbar#twitter#@kosmogrl#@devinsturk#jasmine deporta#anais nin#@inkskinned#rora blue#hala alyan#chronic fatigue syndrome#myalgic encephalomyelitis
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The air starts to thicken as storm clouds rage their way toward us. Warmth wraps around my body and yours. I can feel thunder throughout my body, but the lightning hasnt reached us yet.
The sun's light is suffocated by darkening clouds, but my sunset gleams right beside me in your eyes.
I weave my fingers between yours again, like clockwork, to bring you towards me. My legs are tired and the air around us is scented so sweetly when your perfume mixes with the grass and trees behind us.
Crackling from the rain surrounding us becomes louder and our embrace connects my soul to yours. The rain hits my head so violently and we laugh from the rush of cold coursing through our bodies. I want to scream to the sky and whisper to your ears.
Your arms ground my mind and you cause my heart to soar.
#teenage romance#wlw#happy pride 🌈#cute#imagine#love#lesbian#from the deepest darkest depths of my soul#i hope you like this#love again#love one more time#love one last time#i told you i lived you but you made me wait with my own feelings and made me wait for months just to say you didnt reciprocate#and now i feel sick#love sick#sick of you#sick of your face#but suffocated by my love for you#thank god you dont have tumblr#pov#romance
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