#and now he says he either wants the job done by the 31st or the money back | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 14 years ago

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MONDAY, MAY 31, 2010 I have a free, basic account at LJ so I can only leave 5 5-minute voice posts a month for when I feel like rambling about whatever. I transcribed the first few with their auto-transcriber (the thing doesn’t know Spanish), but I’ll leave any future transcriptions up to you guys. It’s an optional thing. I left 3 posts, but because it’s already the 31st, I might not leave the last 2 allotted to me for the month of May.

SUNDAY, MAY 30, 2010 My story now has 41,395 words and is about halfway done. I’ll be beginning chapter 15 soon enough. I worry the story moves too fast in some places and too slow in others.

I went to Nevada in my dreams two nights ago, and last night I was back in Arizona. Not a thrilling place to be what with how much I’ve come to hate that state. I miss the desert, the monsoon storms, the saguaros, but I definitely do not miss Arizona itself. That’s okay, sooner or later I come to hate just about every state I live in, LOL.

In the Nevada dream, I was in some rooming house, in Arizona I witnessed some people, both white and black, break into an RV. Then the pigs came flying in from nowhere and I was afraid of going down as a white Jew in what was the toughest state in the country along with Texas just because I was there when it happened. One of the black guys was worried and I told him, “Relax, you know they go easier on blacks here. It’s me that has to worry.”

I didn’t seem to know Tom in either dream.

SATURDAY, MAY 29, 2010 Boy, do I feel a lot better than yesterday! The check has been sent and the weather’s gorgeous! Now it’s back to just worrying about him getting a job by October. Then again, I’m sure there’ll be things to worry about along the way. It seems there always is.

I had to laugh when Marie said she wouldn’t know what to do with herself if I stopped writing, LOL! I guess she thought I was going to stop public journaling, but nope. Not now anyway. So my #1 fan can relax. I did, however, once again stop posting old journals on Thoughts.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2010 Tom feels 100% confident that things will work out. But there is no little birdie or fairy that can drop down from the sky to tell me, “Relax. You’ll get your check, Tom will get a job, you’ll buy a house, and all will be fine.” So I cannot believe what I cannot see or know for a fact.

But there is one thing I definitely see and that’s the same old pattern of never-ending money worries that seems more and more meant to be. Why this is happening I do not know. I just know something’s determined to tease and torment me with money every chance it gets. That alone can really sap the life out of one’s spirit. I could really be enjoying this day. We’ve got treats to munch on, it’s quiet, it’s peaceful, it’s not cold at the moment, yet I have that dark cloud always hanging over me. No matter how many times Tom explains why and how we’ll be ok, I just can’t believe it till I see us get the check and he a job.

He read online that a few people said they didn’t get their checks right away, but they came soon enough after they were supposed to get them, so don’t worry. But I do worry, and it seems that’s all I’ve done since we moved to this damn state.

Tom pointed out that we’ve been comfortable most of our time together and that I’ve forgotten the good times. Yeah, because they’ve been hard for so long. A part of me misses my old problems. Not jail, motels and crazy neighbors, but it sure was a lot easier to want things I could never have like a singing career, a baby, sex with a gorgeous woman, etc. It was depressing and frustrating at times, but it was safe. Definitely a much safer problem to have than this shit. But ever since we left Arizona – with the exception of the time he made good money in Oregon – all I’ve done is worry about our survival.

The rent’s going to be as late as the 11th, and again I have to hope Jesse doesn’t get fed up with us, even though we paid the last 2-3 months on time and have been good renters. He says he understands times are tough, but he’s also proven by allowing his dogs to annoy us that he’s as inconsiderate and he is considerate. Obviously, he has no choice but to wait since we can’t pay him money we don’t yet have, but I worry I’ll lose it if he gets fed up and beat him over the head with his own dogs. I’m rather fragile right now and it wouldn’t take much to send me over the edge. We all have our breaking points, and I’d say I’d be pretty damn entitled to mine if he were to start any serious shit with us. I still don’t think he will, but you never know. People can change on you. He may not be the nut Patty at the duplex was, but she’s a classic example of how people can change overnight. In a heartbeat, she went from being kind and considerate to not giving a damn about anyone around there but herself. I’ve seen behavior like this too many times in my life, and Jesse’s not someone we could just “ignore” if he decided to make trouble for us. You just can’t ignore landlords, bosses or neighbors.

Things could be worse. Yes, I’m very glad this didn’t happen back when we were living check to check. We’d have been screwed badly. Without having to play pawn-it again, we couldn’t eat or pay any other bills that may be due.

I still think what I’ve always thought – that if we survive this recession, we’re going to spend most of our lives struggling for money. Some things just weren’t meant to be.

It’s too late now to stop those who have already read my journal from knowing that Tom’s on unemployment and to keep those who may try to fuck us out of our checks or at least delay them that know his full name, but I went and deleted over 600 entries nonetheless. From now on I will be much more selective about what I put online. There is no longer any mention of him being on unemployment. I’m not even going to post this entry because I don’t want to “exploit” my fears, so to speak. I’ll try to focus on posting just the uppity and trivial entries.

Marie was a bit bummed because she likes to read back on old entries, particularly ones where I mention her, but I told her I still have everything in Word and can send her copies after I edit out stuff that doesn’t pertain to her.

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 2010 Tom was pleased to finally find the perfect job to apply for operating machinery he’s familiar with right here in town on second shift for $11 an hour. We’re not getting our hopes up, of course, but it sure would be nice if something up there could give us a break after all this time.

It sure did with the unemployment check that’s going to be late. His first concern was that the crazy drama queen reported that he was working. I could kick myself for mentioning that, too! It’s ok to mention what I do, but not what he does. In the end, there’d be nothing the government could do if they could find where we were working because we haven’t hit that $600 limit on any company anywhere, let alone here in Cali. But it would delay the check while they investigated. Fortunately, however, there was no form saying they were checking him out, and when Tom checked online he found that others complained of their checks being late as well. Also, the lady at the UPS place said that no one else had gotten their checks.

I realize like never before that the rest of our lives is gonna be one big survival battle, sometimes worse than others, but to think that the drama queen and the sick fucks down in Arizona could still fuck us over if they really wanted to after all this time and from a distance, is really quite chilling. And God would let them, too. It’s totally something they would do the more I think about it. In fact, I can’t believe they haven’t done anything a long time ago. But why they’d wait so long to call the government makes no sense either. Maybe to make it look less obvious? But why? The government wouldn’t give their names and so I couldn’t prove it was them. I started to tell myself she wouldn’t do that to us so as not to rile my folks up, but again, all she would have to do is say she knew nothing about it.

Damn me for mentioning being on unemployment! Damn me. It’s like this – if you don’t give people your address, they can’t send you mail. If you don’t give them your phone number, they can’t call you. Well, if you don’t tell people you’re on unemployment, they can’t tell the government you’re working.

I’m tempted to lie in my journal and say he got a job, but wouldn’t want this bogus job getting back to my folks so they could think he’s working when he’s not.

All I know is this: If my sister ever does fuck us over…well, I won’t say but I stupidly mentioned that I would kill myself if we suddenly had no income. If she could be sick enough to have me thrown in jail, why not be sick enough to take our money so I can kill myself and leave her with only one person to have to share her inheritance with instead of two? That’s another thing I realize like never before; just what a sick, twisted, diabolical mind that bitch really has. She is as cold and as selfish as it gets. She couldn’t care less about me, she couldn’t care less about Tom.

Anyway, where something was on our side for once is that we have a couple hundred in savings so there are no worries until we get the check which will probably be delayed a week. I just hope Tom’s right in saying he’s 99.9% sure the machine tore up the form and they just have to send another form to us.

I heard briefly from Eileen and got a message from Ann Marie saying my journal was interesting, but she didn’t remember me well. So I sent a reply describing myself and the two apartments I last had back east.

Last night the dogs barked at 7:30 and I had to wonder where Jesse could be on a weeknight. They stopped as soon as I went outside, though.

I was going to get a new chair since this one’s fucked up, but Tom managed to fix it, so maybe I’ll put it off a while longer even though I don’t really have to.

The cold, wintry weather goes on. We had a hailstorm earlier. In a few days, we’ll have another warm spell, but you know how it’s been lately. It’s nice for a few days, then it’s cold and rainy again.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 2010 Ann Marie was someone I had two one-nighters with right before I left New England. We got together once before I left MA, then again before I left CT. I was 26 at the time and she was a year older. This was in 1992. We got along fine, but we weren’t quite what we were looking for in a person. Then when I left for Arizona so suddenly, that was it. We never spoke again. I liked her, though. She was a nice girl and good-looking too, for not being the tall, dark type I usually go for. But like I said, we were different and didn’t quite feel that magical spark. We understood this and there were no hard feelings.

So I looked her up and found her on MySpace and sent a friend request. I’m not sure if she remembers me since I’m listed by just my married name there, but she accepted the request. When I first found her I saw that she hadn’t logged in since 2008, so I didn’t expect to hear from her. I guess she opened the account and then forgot about it till she just accepted me as her first friend request.

Just like with Evie, we don’t have to talk or be buddies. I just thought it would be nice to say hi and let her know I hope the years have been good to her. She looks ok, but I wouldn’t be the least bit attracted to her if we were meeting all over again in this day and age.

Our weather has continued to be cold, rainy and very un-May-like, even for NorCal. Not-so-extreme NorCal, that is. I saw that Jessie hit 96º today and that is all wrong! Just so backward! We’re usually okay in the afternoon, but the nights are freezing.

Marie told me that any dreams she has with me in them are good, but not the last one. I guess we were arguing about something when she stormed out and jumped into her truck. Then she was about to get into a head-on collision when she woke up. She said that she heard that if you see yourself die in your dreams, you do die. I’ve heard that too, but I'm not so sure that’s true. I swear I was once murdered in a dream many years ago. I believe I was living in the slums of Springfield on Oswego St. when someone slit my throat out back in the parking lot by the dumpster. This was a very dangerous neighborhood consisting mostly of Puerto Ricans and so that’s probably what triggered that dream. I think the guy that killed me, though, was white, LOL.

I had my second homeless dream last night. Yeah, fun, huh? Tom said it’s only because it’s what I’m preoccupied with lately, we’re not going to be homeless, everything is fine, etc. Damn right we’re not going to be homeless! I’d kill myself first! Life can stop us from buying a house, but it ain’t gonna make no street bum outa me! Meanwhile, I’ll believe everything’s “fine” when and if he gets a job. I know I’d only be moving onto new worries if he did and that I would then have to worry about him getting laid off with no unemployment left to fall back on, but that’s ok. I’m overdue for new worries.

The last tier of unemployment has officially begun and so this means he must put in 3 job applications a week, even if it can only be for things he’s not qualified for. He put in for a medical billing job at a temp agency here in Auburn, even though he has no experience with that sort of thing. They said the applicant must live within 25 miles of Auburn, so even though it’s very unlikely, maybe they’ll give him a chance just because of where he lives. Like I said, though, I doubt it. I still think this is it, we’ve lived our lives, and we won’t be able to go on past October. Yeah, sometimes God really does give us more than we can handle, but whatever’s meant to be will be and I’ll be ok with whatever’s meant to be because that’s all I can do. Our lives aren’t entirely up to us, even if some of us would like to think otherwise.

The rat’s life is also coming to an end, though he isn’t suffering. He can still get around and he still has a good appetite, but the tumor is massive now. So much so that he looks disfigured.

TUESDAY, MAY 25, 2010 Although I’m not entering nearly as many sweeps as I used to, I have won absolutely nothing so far. If I don’t win anything by July, I’ll give it up again. sighs It’s like those few years of winning were just one moment in time that can never be again. I just hate to have to play the spamarama game all for nothing and have to sift through hundreds of messages in my spam folder in case a possible win notice may’ve slipped into it.

Since doing a chapter a day didn’t work out, I’ve now set a new goal of a chapter a week. So far so good. I’m halfway through chapter 14.

Some have asked if I have a non-creative side. One not related to music, arts or writing, and indeed I do. The three non-creative topics I find most interesting are airplanes, outer space and forensics. I’ve always wanted to fly a plane, but don’t ever expect to, of course. Commercial planes are more exciting than little planes, but if we were filthy rich, you bet I’d buy me a little Cessna and learn to fly!

The term “Native American” is really starting to piss me off. Hell, I’m a fucking Native American! The Indians may’ve been the first to settle here, but I was born and raised here, so that makes me just as much of a native American as they are.

I was thinking of the new immigration law in Arizona (yeah, leave it to a state like Arizona to do something so radical) and while I can see why it’d piss the Mexicans off, I’m still all for it. They have been a huge problem for decades now. They come up here and steal our resources, they rob us, they kill us, they laze out on our tax dollars, they bring deadly drugs into this country – so something had to be done about it. Something. If I were a Mexican who was born and raised here I would be pretty damn pissed if the pigs threw me in jail simply because they suspected I was illegal and didn’t have proof of citizenship on me when they picked me up. But I’m not Mexican. And after living there for 12 years and seeing how bad whites had it and seeing how much the Mexicans were favored over them and put on a pedestal for so long and given so much for so little while everyone else had to work their ass off, I can’t say I feel sorry for them. It’s actually kind of nice to see the tables turned for once and the discrimination be on them after seeing how badly whites have been getting discriminated against for so long. Now they can have a sense of what it feels like to feel like everyone else but themselves is being favored and given special treatment. And while they’re at it, maybe this radical law will deter others who would like to cross the border to sell us drugs and live off our tax dollars. Maybe. Just maybe.

MONDAY, MAY 24, 2010 Stumbled across an article that said, no, it’s not my imagination. NorCal really has been experiencing the coldest weather in half a century. Good, because Tom was trying to tell me all this cold and rain was normal for this time of year. “Oh no, it’s not,” I insisted. “We’ve spent 3 springs here so far and it is NOT normal! It better not be anyway.”

I love the mountains and the woods, but definitely find myself missing the desert when I wake up to find the bedroom at 63º when it’s almost June. In extreme NorCal, that’d make sense, but in not-so-extreme NorCal, it makes no sense at all.

Yesterday was the first time since meeting up with Marie last Christmas that we didn’t swap emails. I understood, though, that she had to be utterly exhausted after all the OT she’d been working. Like 114 hours in the last week. She’s a very dedicated worker and hopefully she’s enjoying – and saving – all the extra dough she’s been raking in.

I still love Marie and will always have a place in my heart for her. Especially since she’s doing all she can to better her shortcomings. It’s one thing to admit you have a problem – and we all got ‘em – then another to actually do something about it. Saying I needed to quit smoking all those years that I said it was a fine thing to realize and to say, but it sure meant a whole lot more when I actually DID it! I still don’t want to get carried away with emails, though, not just to keep them special and so we get along better, but because I’m usually pretty busy. Yesterday I wasn’t, though. In fact, I watched 3 horror flicks. I’ve got to admit that Marie’s eagerness to please me is cute, amusing and even flattering. She even calls me “boss,” LOL. Yeah, and her boss will be quick to let her know when she steps out of line, too. :)

I decided that once my hair hits the crack of my ass in a couple of years that instead of thinning it with thinning shears to get the extra weight off, I’m going to have it layered. I haven’t had layers since I was around 21. I never cared for them because the uneven ends would stick out all along my braid when I’d braid it, but now I don’t care. I think it would be nice to try something different after having my hair one length for over 20 years now. That we can’t do ourselves, though. That we’ll have to go to a salon for, something I haven’t been to in decades.

I’m glad we didn’t make the roll-on rack yet seeing that these roll-ons are bigger. I’m wearing the Indian Harvest which sort of smells like spicy gingerbread. It’s nice.

Anyway, it’s a weekday so I’m pretty busy. Gotta get back to work!

SATURDAY, MAY 22, 2010 The neighbors are being as quiet as they usually are, though I expect Jesse will start gunning engines any minute now, despite the cold.

When I got up it was 39º! I was not happy at all! The kitchen floor was cold even with socks on. I had the portable blaring in the bedroom and had to turn the oven up higher in the kitchen.

How can Tom call this a “warm” climate? This isn’t a warm climate. It’s just a warmer one than Oregon! I still love being nestled in the woods, but I sure do miss the desert at times.

I was in the kitchen yesterday when I saw movement outside the window and then a cute little baby jackrabbit went hopping by. I didn’t think they had jackrabbits in this area, but it was definitely a jackrabbit. There’s no mistaking those huge ears sticking straight up.

Marie says she loves the pictures and that I’ll always be beautiful in her eyes. That’s quite flattering to know. I know I look better than I should for my age with all the years of dieting and exercising I’ve done, but still, we don’t expect such compliments at 44!

Later…

Hanging sheets now on the indoor line. I definitely like hanging indoors better than outdoors except for when it’s really hot. Indoors I don’t have to worry about bugs or webs or making sure to bring things in before dark so black widows don’t get a chance to nest in anything. I also don’t have to worry about dropping anything on the dirty deck either.

What I don’t like is being cramped in here. He calls this cozy, but I call it cramped. That’s exactly what it is, too!

Got my perfume roll-ons yesterday and was amazed when I opened the box. They’ve now gone from 1/3-oz. roll-ons to 1/2-oz. roll-ons and the roll-on bottles are flip-tops. They leaked a little along the way, but I love the flip-tops. I might order 1-oz. oils from now on and just pour them into the roll-on bottles because then I’d get twice as much for the same price.

Next month’s treat, since I’m only allowing myself one goodie a month, will be wedge sandals with hopefully a 4 or 5-inch heel. We’re going to look for something in person first, starting with Payless, so I can try them on. Worst case scenario, I order something online. My size (5.5) is hard to find to begin with, but it’s especially hard in heels cuz it’s the short people who want them. So once they get a shipment in, they go fast.

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010 Nothing from Marie since sending her the pictures. Did they scare her off or is she just beat from all the overtime she’s been doing? She could also be on the rag, LOL, a time in which we agreed we wouldn’t communicate so there’d be no trouble between us.

So last night in Dreamland we drove over to some guy’s house. The idea was for Tom to kill him, though I don’t know why. In real life, of course, Tom would never kill anyone who wasn’t trying to kill him and neither would I. I waited in the car and when too much time had passed I thought, uh-oh. What if the tables have been turned? I then got out of the car and went inside to find Tom floating face down in a mini indoor pool. “You mother-fucker!” I screamed, charging at the cock that killed him. I grabbed hold of his neck and no matter how bad it hurt when he’d kick and punch me, I held tight, determined to strangle him to death. It ended with his eyes rolling up in his head.

In another dream, we were at the Jewish Community Center, LOL, and had just moved. I don’t know where we moved to, but that was the feeling I got in the dream. It was 7:40 and for some reason, I knew we couldn’t leave till 8:00. “Why don’t I go change into my suit and hit the pool till 8:20,” I said to Tom. “Then we’ll leave here and go to the restaurant at 8:30. By then the crowds should be dying down.” Tom laughed and told me not to count on that, but it sounded like a good enough plan anyway. So I went into the bathroom to change into my suit, and the dream ended with me realizing I left it in the car.

The last dream I remember is us moving from my second childhood home of all places. It was nighttime. I don’t know how I got over to the house, but it seemed like I was alone. I wanted to see it one last time. This was a corner house. The driveway was in back of the house on one street while the front faced another street. I entered through the front door and noticed Tom left the living room and kitchen lights on. I was about to step out of the foyer and into the dining area when there was a knock on the back door. That seemed to scare me for some reason and I ran back out the front door, making sure to lock it behind me.

THURSDAY, MAY 20, 2010 So I read this article where a gay couple in Africa was jailed for 14 years simply for loving each other. These were adults, it was mutual, all done in the privacy of their own home, yet the act was condemned as “gross,” “immoral,” “unnatural” and “satanic.” You would think I would be seething with rage, yet oddly enough I felt rather numb as horribly unjust as it may be because I’ve simply become so used to the world’s fucked up ways. Rarely are things ever honest, fair and good. I’m so used to these sad, infuriating and unfair stories that I pretty much expect them.

Just look at Tom and I. Life has rewarded our hard work and willingness with unemployment now for over a year and a half. We tried so hard to get ahead yet we get to live like little bums for it. At least we get to do it quite fashionably thanks to all the clothes my folks sent.

I make it a point not to try to change people’s beliefs and opinions because then I’d be no better than a pushy Mormon and I don’t want to be one of the control freaks I condemn so much, but who do people think they’re kidding in saying God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle? Then how come people die of diseases, violence, accidents and other things? I’m sorry but if it kills us, then we obviously couldn’t handle it!

Each month that we’re forced to sit on our asses I find myself losing faith. I can’t even do my influencing thing. I keep entering sweeps, but I don’t win like I used to. As I’ve explained before, attitude and mood are everything when it comes to psychic influencing. Yet when you feel more and more hopeless, it’s hard to have a happy, positive attitude to turn up the wins and once again start winning thousands of dollars worth of stuff almost every month.

I try to do the things I enjoy, then it hits me that we’re on our last extension and the jobs aren’t coming back and that casts a dark cloud upon what would ordinarily be a sunny mood. Well, I will NOT let God, life, the government – whatever you want to call it – make a street bum out of me! Not now, not ever. I’m too old to handle that and personally, I don’t think I could have 20 years ago. Besides, that’s not the entire point. The point is I think I deserve better than that and so does my husband. What have we done so wrong to deserve the threat of the streets hanging over us like this? Well, I am not going to be belittled and reduced to the streets. I told Tom, if you feel you can cut it out there if worse comes to worst for us, stick around and go for it. Me, I’m outa here if that’s what it comes down to. I’m not going to fight to stay alive on the streets, then spend another 30-40 years being beat over the head with money if by some miracle I do survive.

I would prefer for my husband to get a job and for us to survive and buy a modest little house of our own in a couple of years. Once again, though, if something’s not meant to be, then no matter how hard you may work for it, it just ain’t gonna happen. I don’t want to live on the streets or in someone else’s dumpy trailer all my life and spend half the time worrying about rent and food. Call me selfish, call me spoiled, I deserve better than that and so does Tom!

I’m not so sure anymore that America is still the best country. Sure it’s better than Africa and the Middle East, but we treat foreigners better than our own people here, for God’s sake. Maybe I’ll get to be a little terrorist in Palestine in the next life so this country can lavish me with millions. People complain and complain about the twisted ways of our nation over and over again yet nothing is ever done about it. Nothing!

Tom took a picture of me outside yesterday with the long sundress on that my parents sent before it rained yet again. I don’t know why I look 150 pounds instead of the 125 pounds that I am, but oh well. Nothing I can do about it.

Tried calling the number I thought might be Laurie’s, but the number was out of service. Guess I’ll never know what became of her.

Although poorly designed, Tom managed to get the retractable clothesline hung up in the living room.

The new sound machines are great. The sound quality has really improved since I last got one of these things about a decade ago, and they’re so much lighter, too. Love the chirping birds they added to some of them.

Here’s an example of just how smart rats are. This rat likes a clean home, so after he’s done picking chicken bones clean, he likes to toss them outside his cage. To stop this I put up cardboard walls all around the base of his cage. But he outsmarted me by taking the “trash” upstairs and throwing it out from there. I doubt a dog would be clever enough to figure that one out. That’s why they’re so noisy and bark for hours at a time in places where they’re never allowed indoors; because they just don’t get that all the barking in the world isn’t going to bring them the attention they crave or get them taken inside.

I was proofreading and queuing up 4 entries per day on thoughts.com, but have decided to cut it to 2 entries a day because it’s so much work. So after June 1st, I’ll probably launch entries at 6am and 6pm PT.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010 I decided I’m only going to let myself get one non-necessity a month. The savings will never build up if I keep getting stuff as fast as the extra money comes in, and we just ordered a couple of hundred bucks of stuff as it is – two sound machines, an iPod armband for when I’m running, and more perfume roll-ons. One of the sound machines should be really cool because you can project the time onto the wall or ceiling. That one’s going in the living room.

Marie later agreed with me on Laurie’s age being in her early 40s at the time we knew her. I found a listing for someone with her name who was born in 1937 which makes her 73 years old today, a little older than I’d have thought if it’s her. Should I call? It’s free. Hmmm…guess I’ll sit on it a while.

Updated my Facebook and MySpace profile pics with the older, uglier me to hopefully cut down on unsolicited and unwanted friend requests as well as people wanting to “photograph” me, though I just ignore these pests. Or I block them. Whichever is necessary. I can’t believe how bad I’ve come to look, LOL, but if it will do the trick and turn people off, then looking as lousy as I do is worth it!

I still can’t figure out why my face is always red. This started years ago and at first it looked good cuz it was just my cheeks. But now it’s everywhere except for my chin and forehead, making me look like I’ve got a strange-looking sunburn. I tried to cover it with makeup, but it was still visible. Putting on makeup has gotten to be a rather difficult thing to do as blind as I’ve gotten. I had to keep reaching for my glasses along the way just to see what I was doing. And of course my face still looks huge and round no matter how much weight I lose. Oh well. I’d rather look like shit than worry about money all my life, but I’m sure I’m going to get to do both. Like I said, money’s fine right now. It’s when our final extension runs out that I’m worried about. Everybody’s been saying the jobs will come back for over a year now. Yeah, when? When will they come back?

I sat and stared at this screen till my screen saver activated itself, so I guess that means I have nothing more to say.

TUESDAY, MAY 18, 2010 Was her first name spelled Lori or Laurie? And how exactly was her last name spelled? I wish I knew, and I wish I knew how old she was too, so I could try to track her down and say hello.

Lori/Laurie M was one of my top 3 favorite staffers at Valleyhead next to Lisa and Michelle. The job seemed to matter to her just as much as the paycheck and I know I was one of her favorites as well. She even got me a plant once, but with my blacker-than-black thumb, I doubt it lived very long afterward, LOL. I had what I’d call a borderline crush on her. I liked her, but not like I liked Mary.

Marie and I disagree on how old she was at the time. She says late 20s to early 30s, but I thought she was between 40-45. I’ll show Tom and Paul her picture and see what they think.

Wherever she is, however she spells her name, I hope the last 26 years have been very good for her!

MONDAY, MAY 17, 2010 Wow, what a trip down memory lane! Saw additional pictures from Valleyhead that Marie posted. I recognized most people and even identified a few she was unsure of. Glad she didn’t have any of the wicked witch (Abbott). Abbott, Mosca and Donovan were definitely the worst. Too bad there were no pics of Lisa M and Michelle S. They were the best. Even Mary C would have been nice to see as much as she played with my head (I had a crush on her). And of course I looked like a total geek in the one she had of me!

I’m at the point in my proofreading/posting where I’m at the Vista Ventana. I thought I’d get a kick out of reading back on some of it, but instead I found myself angry. Not just because of how so many of the residents there so needlessly played with my head and stabbed me in the back, but because of all the struggling I was going through. I spent an awful lot of time going hungry in the beginning and getting the runaround from the food stamp people. And while that in itself has me angry enough, what’s worse is that so many people could have helped me. So many! Yet they chose to sit on their asses in their comfy little world while I starved my ass off with no extra weight to spare. I wasn’t 125 pounds then, I was under 100! OMG, I was so pissed to read back on the shit I went through. My parents could have helped, my sister could have helped, Andy could have helped with some of his pot money… argh! I did not have to go through what I went through and I shouldn’t have.

sighs But God obviously wanted it all to happen. Must’ve thought it was pretty funny or something. shakes head with disgust Almost makes me want to run into the kitchen and eat till I burst. I can do that. Yes, God’s little poor-assed bum has enough food to burst her at the seams. Amazing, huh?

Some people have suggested that maybe God was testing me. A test that could’ve killed or at least gotten me very sick?!?! That’s just ridiculous! What the hell kind of a test is that?!?!

Forget about it, I try to tell myself. It happened 18 years ago. But it’s not that easy. That’d be like my trying to tell Marie to forget about all the horrible things that were done to her or anyone else in a similar situation. People may forgive, but they don’t just “forget” bad things that happen to them. I’m sure almost all of them would if they could.

What’s really sad is knowing that it’s only a matter of time before my safety and my well-being are once again thrown on the line. In fact, if I’ve got to go in October, I’m going to make damn sure my story is done by then. My goal is to do a chapter a week, which would mean I’d be done in late September. Or sooner if I can get through it faster. If we’re not going to survive this economy I at least want to finish it so I can know I met the goal that I set for myself, and have something to leave my friends. Paul and Marie are really looking forward to it and I wouldn’t want to let them down.

The more status updates I see of Nickolena’s the less sure I am that that’s her kid. Her activities are too normal for a teenager. She talks about going to shows, and movies, coloring her hair, etc. Well, no matter how “supportive” her parents may be, you certainly can’t do all the things she mentions doing with a kid.

SUNDAY, MAY 16, 2010 Ah, it smells so good in here! Especially after having to smell ammonia for nearly an hour as the dark blond hair dye sat on my head. I started a new Glade plug-in going – the Hawaiian one – while I rinsed it out in the shower. Then returned to the room to find it smelling a lot better.

My new flat iron is frying the hell outa my hair so I’ve got to turn down its settings and use it less often.

Soon I’ll have Tom take some new pics of me and will update various profile pages of mine with the smarter but older, fatter, uglier me. :) The only ones I really need to update, though are Facebook and MySpace. The pics there were taken right before we left Arizona, so they’re about 6 years old. All other pics are less than a year old, like on the diary site which was taken last fall. Sometimes I just like to use pics of pets, flowers or scenery.

We got a set of cordless phones and they’re so nice! Why couldn’t phones like this have existed back when I was really into phones? I’m amazed at how lightweight the phones and chargers are. The phones have speakers in them, and they make for a good intercom system as well. We still have the older phone hooked to the landline that was included in our internet package.

Talked to Marie on her break before her coworkers came to join her and they all went to eat. She’s down to 138 pounds, getting a bit low for someone who’s 5’ 6”. I hope she’ll quit losing soon.

She joked about shaving her head and checking out dirty pictures on her break. She would too, LOL. I never liked women with no hair or overly short hair, but it’s her hair.

“Just warning you,” she said, “I found a pic of you at Valleyhead. Becky took it, but I can’t remember her last name.”

I knew it was H and she was amazed at my memory. Becky was a good kid, though I don’t remember her taking the pic. In the drugged-up stupor that I lived in back then, I’m not surprised. Marie says I was singing and playing my guitar in the pic and has several VH pics she plans to post in her Webshits album soon. That ought to be interesting to see. I don’t miss the place and don’t want to be reminded of it and how miserable I was, but it would still be cool to see who I may remember.

Marie thanked me for sticking by her and promises not to contact me during the week she’s on the rag cuz she doesn’t want to fight even though she loves it when I go off. Yeah, but she can shove a broom handle up her ass during those 12 weeks in a year. :)

It was dead quiet all morning, but Tom said Jesse wasn’t home when he came and went from Walmart, so he obviously took the dogs with him. Wish he’d do that more often!

I couldn’t resist. I had to do it. I don’t know why, but I did. And it felt good, too. :) I sent a message to Nickolena asking that she give her mom the link I enclosed which went straight to my journal, of course. In it, I posted an entry with her name in it that read:

Evie. I wonder about her at times. I don’t want to talk to her, but I do think of her from time to time and hope she’s doing well. We didn’t know each other very well, but we did chat on the phone a few times and swap a few emails right before we left Phoenix.

Then one day after we moved, Tom came home and said his mother was upset, and a conversation followed that went something like this:

“What for?” I asked.

“Because Evie told her she was upset with you for asking that she leave the kids behind if they visit us at the new place.”

“But why didn’t Evie just come to me about it? If I was the one she had a problem with, why did she go to Mom?”

I knew from past experience just how destructive little kids could be, and Evie didn’t seem big on discipline, which had become nearly illegal by then anyway. Today you go to jail for simply yelling at your kids. Years ago you got away with a hell of a lot worse than the worst things my own parents ever did to me.

Nonetheless, I always wanted to tell her that. That really bothered me the way she went to the queen like she did and not to me directly. This is partly why I don’t hate her or anything like that – she is a sweet person otherwise – but don’t want to associate with her. I mean, why bother? She’s hundreds of miles away and we hardly know each other or have much in common. I just A, wanted her to know I didn’t appreciate her doing that but have no hard feelings, and B, I once again got a kick out of the idea of someone I used to know reading my journal, if she wasn’t already aware of it. And of course, Miss Perfect will hear all about it!

Oh, how therapeutic the net has become, though it can never “fix” what the black bigots down in Arizona did to me. Just make me feel a little better.

Not surprisingly, I never heard back from Evie or Maliheh. I didn’t want to either.

SATURDAY, MAY 15, 2010 It’s so hard to enjoy the moment when I’m always worrying about the future! We were planning on going on quite a shopping spree this weekend to get some stuff we both need and want. As I said a few entries ago, one of the things I was going to get was a decorative mannequin head, but I’ve changed my mind and decided to just get some perfume oils for now. I just can’t be as optimistic as Tom and believe for sure that we’ll survive this recession. And as strange as it may sound, I’d rather get something that I use rather than something that just sits there looking pretty if I’m going to be dead in October. We’re on our last extension, the jobs aren’t coming back very fast, the government cares more about other countries than its own, and there doesn’t seem to be any God up there that gives a damn. So how the hell am I supposed to believe everything will work out and be “ok” in the end? Sorry, but there are no guarantees here. Living with the knowledge that I could be struck and killed by lightning is one thing. Living with knowing we may have no income in the fall is another. So as much as I hate to do it, I’ve started making some preparations just in case and am not going to get certain things till we know for sure what’s going on, and that includes any more pets. I have to think like this could be it, even though I certainly don’t like it and I don’t want to. But maybe I’ll be surprised in the end, though if I am I’m sure a part of me may be a little sorry I was. Am I going to have to worry about our survival every single day of my life no matter how long I’m destined to live??? Is this it? Is this the way it’s always going to be? If the end is near, maybe it’s a good thing, though I would still like to see if we really can get a house in a couple of years or not first.

We sure were in a house that seemed to be ours in my dreams last night. It was a very vividly detailed dream. The sounds, colors and images were crystal clear. The only negative to the dream was the dog next door barking its ass off for hours on end, so that’s how I knew that yes, we were still in the west. The snow-capped mountains told me we were still in NorCal.

We’d never met our neighbors in the dream nor could we see them. At least that’s the feeling I got, and the closest one which was the one with the dog, was about 50-100 feet away, so closer than Jesse. The lot seemed smaller too, like a couple of acres instead of 10.

I didn’t see much detail within the house itself, but we changed seasons in the dream. I was in the living room at one point with Tom and some woman and we were all talking about whatever. The place had spacious windows and the view out the side opposite the dog was beautiful. I saw rolling mountains for miles and miles, but I didn’t like how we were getting a dusting of snow. “I didn’t come here for this,” I said, and Tom and the woman laughed. I stood up and gazed out the window at the mountains and saw that the higher they were, the more snow was on them.

Next thing I know I’m outside and the weather’s nice. There were hills and trees just like there are here. To the tune of the barking next door, I walked up our driveway which was either paved or had gravel. Then I walked to the main road which was sort of like the main road here, only it was a dirt road and you could see a part of it from our house. A couple of pig cars went by and I went jogging down the road. At one point there was a bridge with no wall or railing of any kind and I peered over its edge, careful not to fall the 20 or so feet into the river or canal below. Then I turned and ran back up the road, thinking how much I loved to come out and run up and down it for exercise every day in which I never saw one house along the way.

The one thing that was all wrong about the dream was that it was in a more established area like this. It was too built up to be anything we could afford. If we stick with rural, we’re going off the grid.

I could tell that a mouse was under the kitchen sink because the box of poison had moved a bit. Yeah, I knew they wouldn’t go more than a few weeks without seeing us. I’m just amazed at how hard they are to trap and how clever they are that they can sometimes sense what’s a trap and what’s not.

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2010 Lena is spamming me again with offers to buy Viagra. Sorry, but I don’t think Viagra could help me. She’s hitting Marie with it too, from what I could see since she sent it to multiple people. I not only blocked her email altogether, but I also filled out a complaint form with Yahoo where you fill in the header and the body of the email as proof of the problem. I hope Marie will do the same, who knows never again to give out my email addy without asking first. She’s totally the type who would associate with people like Lena who would do such things, too. I can just imagine what her roommates are like, though even she complains about one of them.

Marie and I are going to chat tomorrow night, so I look forward to that.

As I go through old journals to post over on thoughts.com, I remember people I mentioned in them that I used to know back then, both good and bad, and out of curiosity, I see if I can find some of them on one of the social networks. Well, I found Maliheh living in Missouri. I can’t swear that it’s the one I briefly knew, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was since I doubt many people spell their name that way which she pronounced as Malia.

Anyway, Maliheh was much like Lena. We met in a gay bar one night in 1991 in Northampton, MA when I was 25 and she was 34 and she was all over me. But I was still young and naïve at the time and didn’t see these drunken whack jobs for what they were, not that she was necessarily “drunk” per se. Instead, I took every kiss, every hug, and every wink as a sign saying she was as interested in me as I was in her. I can’t deny that she was pretty hot. A little shorter than I usually go for, but good-looking just the same.

So I called her at the number she gave me a day or two later and right away I felt like I was talking to a whole different person. She seemed to remember me, but she was mean, rude, snotty and acted as if she hated my guts. She was just so full of anger! Like how dare I have the nerve to call on the number she herself gave me. Then we started prank calling each other, and who should go down for it? Me, of course! The courts didn’t take it very seriously, but it was just my usual shit luck to have to be dragged through the mud while someone who was doing the exact same thing never had to answer to any court calls.

The older me would’ve hung up on her right away and known that she wasn’t worth bothering with, but I took it pretty hard back then. I’d been rejected before by family, friends, lovers and potential lovers, but like I said, I was still young and so I felt both hurt and angry.

So what did I do when I found her on Facebook? Slipped her the link to my journals, of course, LOL! Hey, why not? It’s perfectly legal and doesn’t cost a thing.

There’s more I could write about, but I am incredibly busy tonight between work, laundry, getting the grocery list made up, proofreading and posting old journals, working on my story, entering sweeps, studying languages and working out. If I get to all this shit before I crash it will be a miracle!

THURSDAY, MAY 13, 2010 They say that for a child to draw pictures of a sexual nature and to pose their dolls in suggestive positions are classic signs of molestation. Well, I did these things as a child, yet I don’t remember ever being sexually abused in any way. I was in the first or second grade when the teacher I had at the time confronted me about a rather explicit picture I’d drawn on the back of one of my work papers. I knew what it was, though I insisted otherwise. I was 6 or 7 at the time.

Over the years these incidents have left me wondering if anyone hurt me before I was old enough to remember it. Or do kids just sometimes draw these kinds of pictures anyway? I was still at least verbally and emotionally abused as a child. Maybe that’s enough to trigger these signs, IDK. If anyone did anything to me, I highly doubt it was someone in the family for two reasons. One is that no one in my family seems like the type to molest children, and secondly, it probably would have gone on for years if it was a family member. Molesters don’t usually strike just once or twice. So if I was victimized in any way it was probably done by someone who had little contact with me and was probably out of my life as fast as they were in it, leaving the memory of them to be gone forever and totally irretrievable. Most likely, however, nothing sexual happened. I would think that no matter how young a person may be who endures any kind of sexual abuse they would eventually have to remember it at some point in their lives. I know some people block these things out, but sooner or later, usually in their 20s, the memory resurfaces. Yet if by some chance you do exist and you’re still out there somewhere – no doubt thoroughly blessed by God – be glad I’ll never know who you are.

Some guy on MySpace claiming to be a photographer in San Francisco says he’s going to be in the area and would like to photograph me for some group he’s a part of, saying I have a lot of talent and potential in my profile picture. LOL, I let him know that picture’s about 6 years old and that I’ve since cut off all my hair. Yeah, it’s barely to the middle of my back now, though I’m sure it’s just some pervert wanting to try to rape or beat me. Maybe even kill me. I’d rather die of old age or poverty, whichever comes first.

We’re not exactly living in poverty at the moment, fortunately, since we’re about to spend a few hundred bucks on stuff we need and want. Let’s see… car parts that he needed to work on a pulley which he worked on today. A couple more sound machines for the other rooms since the barking, at least in the mornings, is going to be a year-round thing now. The retractable clothesline and the parts to build a rack for my perfume oils. A set of new cordless phones. And lastly, a partial mannequin that I thought looked really cool (Marie ought to love that, LOL). It would be good for keeping spare wigs on as well as making a nice decoration. It’s basically only a head. It’s only 17” high and only goes as low as just above the nipples. She has brown eyes and pierced ears, so she also makes for a good way to keep jewelry, particularly necklaces.

Marie tweeted that she’s thinking of me and hopes I call soon. I like it when she tweets. It’s a way of still keeping in touch and knowing what’s up with her, yet not losing too much time from work. I’ll go ahead and call her tomorrow night at 11pm my time unless she tells me to make it some other time. I’d rather that than the IM thing, and this way I can hear her voice.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 2010 They posted a fifth story of mine on the Girl Directory and already it has a 4.5-star rating.

One of the administrators on thoughts.com liked my “blast from the past” and friended me, so that was nice. Also, my blog over there has a 5-star rating. Hmmm… interesting. Is it what I write about? Or is it how I write it?

Didn’t get up till around 4pm. Heard the pest buzzing around on the ATV, but that was it.

I woke up on my side. My right side is my favorite side because that way I’m lying on my good ear and making things a little quieter. But I guess I slept on my arm wrong cuz it hurt when I first got up.

What’s more frustrating is that this mysterious congestion I’ve been having hasn’t stopped with the incense I quit burning. I usually wake up with it, but sometimes I have it in the middle of my day and I have to keep coughing and clearing my throat like when I smoked. Cigarettes, that is. Tom thinks it’s just how my body is. Geez, nice body.

When you spend most of your life on a diet – for reasons I’m still not sure of since I am 44 now, after all – eating a big meal can make you sleepy. I got a meatball grinder, which they call subs out here in the West. Really, if you go into a store and ask for a grinder, they won’t know what the hell you’re talking about, LOL. So after eating 500 calories or more, all I could do was lay in bed.

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010 How frustrating it is to post old journals, like I’ve been doing on thoughts.com, only to find some of the longer entries are getting cut off! Yeah, the last one cut off the last few paragraphs. Why’d the hell it let me post it in the first place, and how come it didn’t tell me my post was too large like LiveJournal does??? So I may have to go back and edit the next few entries that I was stupid enough not to check by weeding out some trivial shit. Until the 25th I have one large entry set to launch at around 5pm ET. I may not be able to get to them right away given where my schedule’s at now. Starting on the 25th I will post 3-4 smaller entries that cover just one day. I’m going to probably queue them up to come out at around 1am, 7am, 1pm and 7pm my time.

It’s cold and rainy again, and it’s obviously going to keep doing this every goddamn week throughout the summer, as unusual as it is. It’s still too cold too much of the year here and a part of me regrets not heading further south. It’s one of those climates that isn’t a cold climate, but not quite a warm one either. Tom considers it a warm climate, but to me, lows of 38º in May is not a warm climate.

What’s harder, finding a lesbian who’s not fucked in the head, or finding a guy who wants kids? I wonder these things at times, and I have to say that Marie is so typical of what I’d get before meeting Tom. It’s almost insulting to know I’m still attracting these types, too. She’s right on the outside, but so very wrong on the inside.

Later…

Queued up 4 entries for the 26th, one of which I go off on Andy in big time. Sorry, buddy! I was bitching about the whole world that particular day, actually. The move had been rough on me and left me broke. Then I had to deal with people’s shit on top of it all to compound my frustration. Yes, I’d say I have a much easier life right now, LOL.

I had to laugh when I thought of Stacey. I’d never have guessed back then that she’d one day inspire me to write a story with her as one of the main characters that the whole world could read, and that would actually become quite popular. I’m surprised at all the praise that story’s gotten.

Sometimes I tag the entries in a vague kind of way by using words like “life” or “Arizona,” but other times I’m more specific. Especially with the shorter entries. I’m going to try to be specific more often so that readers can pull up all the “Andy” entries if they wanted to, for example, by clicking on the tags.

MONDAY, MAY 10, 2010 I now have journal entries queued up for posting until the 25th. Starting on the 24th I started posting more entries that were shorter. Until then, though, I’ve got one big entry set to launch each day. I will try to proofread and post 3 entries a day. I’m up to mid-June of 1992 right after moving to Arizona, and what a shitty writer I was back then! I’ve had to restructure a lot of clunky sentences.

Still plan to post the 2007 cruise soon enough too, the “stressful” vacation that turned out to be quite a joyride compared to moving here!

According to these 10 most extraordinary human abilities I read about, we’re all extraordinary here, including the rat, LOL! One ability is absolute pitch which I have. I discovered it in my early 20s. Tom has the built-in calculator in his brain, and the rat seems to have the immortal cells. I swear he’s never going to die! He’s quite old now and has had a tumor for months, yet he shows no signs of checking out anytime soon. Had he been a rat as cool as the last 3 were before moving to Cali, I’m sure he’d be gone by now.

SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2010 Work is slow, the weather’s cold, and running nearly killed me today for some reason, but other than that life is just fine. It’s not cold right now, but it will be late tonight.

Anyway, I don’t know what happened out there today. I hadn’t even gotten through the first song when I had to stop running and get inside. My heart raced like hell, my legs turned to jelly, and I thought I was going to puke. Fortunately, it passed after just a few minutes of laying on the bed with the fan blowing on me. I guess my stomach was too empty.

Marie and I are getting along better now that we’ve limited our contact. I hope it stays this way. Like I said, the more I clash with someone, the more I tend to walk away. And I don’t want to end up having to do that because she is still someone I care about very much.

Marie, my #1 fan for sure, is following my old entries on thoughts.com. I’m amazed she’d want to read something so boring, LOL. I thought she’d figure that because it’s all past stuff, who cares? Sure I had some fun and interesting times to write about back then, but there’s also an awful lot of drama in these old journals, so beware!

Tom said he heard Jesse on the ATV on Saturday and today it was the bulldozer, though he wasn’t close. Yeah, I guess those nervous types always have to be doing something. I pictured him to be the type to sit in front of a TV every chance he got, but I was obviously wrong on that one.

SATURDAY, MAY 8, 2010 Slept better than I did yesterday, though still not great as is usually the case when I’m on nights. I’m so sick of the cold mornings and warm days! I wish it would just stay warm and that we could be in a more stable climate. But it’s too late now. This is where we’ve ended up and anything is better than a climate that gets cold and snowy the way New England and the Pacific Northwest do. Besides, I can’t ever imagine getting up the guts to move long distance again after what happened the last time no matter how much money we had.

Yesterday morning I had to go to sleep with the big comforter over me because it was so damn chilly. But then later on I woke up sweating, with strange dreams, or for no apparent reason at all. I kept falling back asleep, but then I got up for good after just 6 hours of sleep so I was slightly tired.

This time around I went to sleep without the big comforter and woke up cold a few times. The place doesn’t warm up till around noon, at which time I woke up hot and kicked it off. I also woke up just because, as well as after having weird dreams.

Marie wasn’t exactly kind to me in my dreams, LOL! Guess she saw someone write something nasty on a vending machine with her name included in it. She somehow decided it had to be me who wrote it and that she was the one I was talking about. So she came over at night with 2 or 3 friends when I was alone, hell-bent on kicking my ass for it. If they weren’t, they at least wanted to scare the shit out of me and they did a fine job of it, too. I ran and locked the door just as Marie was approaching it. I wondered if I should call the police, but decided to call her on her cell and try to calm her down enough to keep her from busting into the place. She answered and started going off on me, and that’s all I remember.

Despite how angry she can get, harming me is not something I can picture her doing in real life. I think she’d kick the crap out of someone else trying to harm me which would be just fine with me, but I can’t see her raising a hand to me.

I also dreamt I was swimming somewhere in Tonopah, Nevada. There’s also a Tonopah, Arizona which was right near where we used to live. We were in the Maricopa/Stansfield area known as Hidden Valley. Some argue that we were actually in Stansfield and not Maricopa.

I was listening to a song called Machine Gun by Portishead and had to laugh when I thought of my mom. A song like that would absolutely kill her to have to sit and listen to.

I was fine yesterday, but the day before that I had some fierce chest pains. Some were sharp, concentrated cramp-like pains while others were a more spread-out, dull ache.

FRIDAY, MAY 7, 2010 Ever since knowing Tom, some of my dreams include him while in others it’s as if I never knew him. Well, I didn’t know him in last night’s dream. But I knew Marie. I just don’t know what state we were in. We ran into each other as I was walking along some street. She approached me and we started hugging the hell outa each other, happy to finally meet face-to-face in person. We then started walking, hand in hand and not giving a damn who saw us. Sometimes we laughed, other times we were calm and quiet.

In a flash, we were alone in her house. I don’t know if she had roommates or not, but she begged me to be her wife. Although I knew I both loved and lusted her, I was hesitant. Then I said, “Well, okay, but if you ever take your anger out on me physically, I swear I’ll get a gun and shoot you in your sleep.”

She laughed, then she stopped when she saw the serious expression on my face.

“That’s right, Officer. I’m not kidding.”

Then she tells me to go fuck myself and that she never wants to see me again. So I leave and head off wherever and she chases me a minute later saying she was only kidding. I don’t know what happened after that because I woke up.

There isn’t anything else to really update on right now. Been doing the usual. Tom’s been making great money. Like I said, if we could just have a home of our own one day, everything else good that happens after that would be considered a bonus.

THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2010 Today has turned out to be a fun day. I made great money just by doing a couple of quick surveys on the job site, the weather’s gorgeous, we stocked up on groceries, and then we got to enjoy my parents’ package. Unlike in that nasty dream I had, no one stole its contents. The box, however, bore an uncanny resemblance to the one in the dream.

It mostly consisted of clothes for Tom, some of which fit perfectly and some of which are a bit snug. But it is just one more thing to motivate him to continue losing weight. He now has more shorts than he would have bought for himself had he lived another 500 years. Even when we had money, clothes shopping was something we both got in the habit of doing only when we needed to, and he never found it much fun. It’s not that I never found it fun myself, I just never got into things like clothes, furs and jewelry to the degree that most women do. I’m more of a perfume and collectibles kind of person, though I’ve quit the collectibles cuz of the room they take up. But it goes without saying that having these nice clothes means a lot to us and we are extremely grateful!

All the clothes for me were either slightly big or just right, but never too small. I got a couple of skirts and tops and several pairs of jeans. I had just been thinking about how it was too bad that my only long jeans were now way too big on me (a size 16) and on their way to Goodwill. Then in comes nearly half a dozen awesome pairs of jeans! I loved the low-cut skinny jeans I swore I would never get. Yeah, that’s easy to say till you lose weight, isn’t it? The weather’s warming up and I’m showing more skin, so I’m back to making even the 20-year-olds envious with my scary biceps, abs and calves – woo-hoo! Hey, I like looking mean, LOL. I think, though, that no matter how many crunches I do I’m always gonna have a slight lower belly bulge. Guess it’s just a part of aging.

I was glad there was no candy in this package because it would’ve melted before we got the package home. That’s because we went grocery shopping after picking it up.

Lastly, I was thinking that I was glad they hadn’t sent any flags, which is mainly what they sell. There’s no real place here for a flagpole other than sticking off the porch posts. If we had it sticking straight out so we could see it from inside it would block the drive. We’d have to have it angling upward and then we could only see it from outside. Jesse would see it more than we would. Then I was thinking about how much I like wind chimes and windsocks and was remembering a windsock they once sent us back in Freeloaderville. Well, I have half a dozen or so wind chimes, but no wind socks until today! I love the two windsocks they sent, and they were the highlight of this particular package, at least for me. I like the bigger, tropical one best and it’s hanging off a corner of our shed. We used an old mini flagpole of theirs to hang it on. I took a coated hair elastic so it can’t slip back against the wall of the shed. The smaller patriotic one is mixed in with the chimes that hang from the porch rafters.

Whiskey really got excited when he heard me go charging out the door down here all excited about hanging the windsocks. My discussion with Tom started off something like this: I think I want to hang this one… BE QUIET! …over there and that one… BE QUIET! …over there. It would look best… BE QUIET! …on that corner so I can see it from the kitchen… BE QUIET! Dogs are as dumb as they are smart, but definitely nowhere near as smart as rats. Rats can at least figure things out. Like when to shut up, though mine’s not much of a squealer.

They ended up inspiring us to make a smart purchase too, with the $30 or so they sent. One we should’ve made upon moving in here two years ago! At first we discussed spending it at Denny’s or on a new skillet. But then it hit me that I would now have to hang clothes since we’ve now got so many of them, where I used to hang-dry them depending on the weather. I saved a third of the closet rack for that, but now it’s filled up. Well, we don’t have a dryer and we can’t hang them out in the cold, wet winter, yet our drying rack is rather small. So we looked online at these indoor/outdoor retractable clotheslines which I’ve seen in hotels where you pull the line out across the tub when you want to hang clothes. So that’s what we’ll be getting, and in the winter we’ll run the dehumidifier when they’re hanging. Better yet, I wish we had a real house with a laundry area! I miss living in a normal house with full-size appliances that are always hooked up, and with enough counter space and outlets! sighs Maybe someday.

I didn’t read it, but I saw a great headline for once that said, Exit polls: Conservatives fall short of the majority.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2010 Someone asked me what are the 3 things I’m best at these days and how well I do them.

Singing, writing, and languages are what I’m best at and I’m usually about an 8 on a scale of 1-10. Of course, trying to sing on just a few hours of sleep will pull me down to a 7 or so.

As far as Arizona laws favoring minorities; that’s why most of the inmates in jail were white, yet the nationwide statistics I’ve read say minorities make up for 80% of the crime and inmates. Well, they may make up for most of the crime in Arizona, but not the inmates! Take a white man and a black man and convict them of the same charges, and the white man will almost certainly go down harder than the black man. And if a white person is defending themselves against a white attacker, they call it what it is – self-defense. If a white person defends themselves against a black attacker, however, it’s automatically called a hate crime. So God, if you’re ever going to be mean enough to let someone attack me, please, please let them be as white as I am!!! I know you’ll still protect them from punishment, but this way I won’t be charged and labeled with all kinds of things I am not and made to suffer any more than they themselves made me suffer.

Marie’s feedback response put a smile on my face. I was grinning by the time I got to what she would do to those who’ve burned me if she could. Oh, I know she would take care of them, alright, LOL!

In a sense, I’m helping her keep writing regularly since that’s mostly how we’re communicating right now – by responding to entries. And I know she still loves to hear from me, LOL!

No, I’m definitely no people person like she is, as she pointed out, and yes, she makes a great clown. She has a great sense of humor when she’s not ready to kill.

It was sweet of her to let me know she’d be by my side if I was alone, and I believe it. And that we’d have a couple of kids by now had we been together, though I never wanted more than one, LOL. Don’t get me wrong – Tom would have stuck around and been a great dad had I gotten pregnant. It’s not like he never ever came, and remember, I did have an early-on miscarriage once. What had me so depressed wasn’t that I didn’t have kids in the end. I’m glad we didn’t. We can barely take care of ourselves, so I’m sure one can imagine how much tougher it would’ve been with kids. I wanted to go on living and to be able to do some of the things I’ve done. So the fact that I’m childless today isn’t the issue. The issue is that before Tom came and before I had the miscarriage and some initial testing (where they insert dye into the fallopian tubes) that said I was ok, I was A, convinced I was sterile, and B, unable to coax Tom into seeing a doctor. I believe that A, he was just too shy and embarrassed to deal with it, and B, he didn’t want a kid as bad as I once did to make it worth conquering his shyness. I think some people are just too nice to say “no” and that “no” is hard for some people to say to the one they love, though he did try in his own way just in some of the hints he dropped. The signs were always there saying he wasn’t as into the idea as I was, but I was too blind to see them. Or maybe I did see them and just didn’t want to accept them. But in the end, I loved my husband a lot more than I wanted a kid.

As I also told her, quitting medication is like quitting smoking, drinking or losing weight. Tom read an article on a study that says 21 is the magic number. In other words, if you can get through the first 21 days of any major change, you should have it made. It took me more like 120 days with the smoking, but I did it. And if I can do it, she can do it, but only she can know when she’s ready. No one can make her do anything she doesn’t want to (unless she’s in jails or funny farms), but yes, it will be hard at first if she quit the meds. I was a basket case at first, too.

Marie was right in saying that anger and rage are soul destroyers. I know the feeling! A lot of people see me as mature, confident, stable and jovial, but don’t be fooled. While I may still be all of these good things, I also seethe with rage at times when I think of those who have abused and victimized me in various ways. Sometimes I wish to hell they would magically appear before my eyes so I could do things to them best left to the imagination. I’m not kidding when I say I just might lose it on someone if history repeats itself with the freeloaders in Arizona. I’m much more fragile and explosive than some may think. God sure as hell ain’t gonna take care of any potential perps out there, so it would have to be up to me.

So I told her it’s okay to be angry at those who’ve hurt her. But it’s NOT okay to take it out on innocent people. That’d be like me chewing out someone minding their business in a store or someplace like that simply because Joely of Arizona had me jailed for being a white, Jewish complainer of her noise and vandalism. And it’s ok to tell me – in a civilized manner – if something I write upsets her.

As for Tom’s libido and my own (which she says she hopes he gets back), it’s a common case of long-term partners. Most people would never admit it, but this happens to everyone. My 78 and 79-year-old folks love the hell outa each other. They’d die for each other. But do you really think they’re getting it on? I’m sure they can’t even remember what it’s like to get it on! So while Tom and I are emotionally attracted to each other, there’s no way we’d ever be sexually attracted to each other again, because it’s like playing the same song over and over. Eventually, it loses its newness and excitement. Tom has always had a bit of a low appetite anyway. So even if we were both suddenly horny as hell, I can’t imagine us wanting to have sex with each other simply because we’re not attracted to each other in that way after all this time.

Yesterday I hit writer’s block on chapter 12. I am now more than a third of the way through the story, but not quite halfway through it yet.

Later…

The Klammers are back to being their usual colder-than-New-England selves by getting down to 24º tonight, LOL.

I forgot to write about the rather unpleasant dream I had last night. Tom and I were not only living in an apartment complex of some kind, but it was in a scummy, dangerous area. When I went to get our mail in this lobby-like entryway, which consisted of two regular envelopes and a package from my parents, everything was empty. The neighborhood junkies had removed the contents entirely from both the envelopes and the package.

The good news is that Tom’s been making incredibly good money at the job site lately on a particular job for which I don’t qualify since I didn’t do as many of the initial jobs as he did due to not always being on days. Hey, I always did say God gave me this sleep schedule disorder to hold me back in life! rolls eyes sarcastically The good news is that it provides a hell of an extra cushion for us. The bad is that it’s not quite enough to live on in case they stop the checks before the jobs return, and there are no guarantees they’ll be there indefinitely to begin with. And the more workers they get (and they’re bound to get more with time), the fewer jobs there’ll be for him. Guess we gotta just enjoy it while it lasts, cuz all good things do come to an end.

Later…

HITs are what they refer to jobs as on the site I work at. Well, being the occasional airhead that I am I went and botched up a dollar HIT. It’s a good thing it was only a buck and that I made enough on other HITs. I was supposed to recommend a news article and who would be interested in it. I randomly grabbed an article on terrorism, copied in the URL, then was supposed to recommend it to the general public. Instead, I recommended it to those who are interested in R&B music. Argh! So it got rejected. Yeah, I know, hahahaha, it’s pretty funny. :)

TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2010 Marie stated in her own entry how hard it’s been having people shun, label and judge her all her life for having problems no one wants to deal with. Not her kind of problems anyway. I’ll be the first to agree that people are often quick to empathize with those who are suffering from physical illnesses, but when it comes to mental illnesses they are just as quick to run like hell.

I too, have been shunned, judged and labeled, though I will admit that most of it stopped in my 20s, and that I don’t care as much as most people do as far as what others think. If I did I wouldn’t put 95% of my life online.

In the 80s they didn’t know nearly as much as they do today when it comes to various disorders. I was misdiagnosed several times with various types of chemical imbalances – bipolar, manic-depressant – and I think I was a number of other things too, at one time or another until they finally got it right – ADHD. Despite being hyper and sometimes having a hard time concentrating and sleeping, most of my behavioral problems in the past were definitely a byproduct of my upbringing. There’s no doubt about it and simply no denying it. But back in the 80s, many people found it easier to blame things on chemical imbalances than on traumatic experiences simply because it was easier. It’s easier to take pills too, than it is to face and address the root of the problem. I know. I’ve been there before - Navane, Lithium, Xanax and a million other drugs whose names I can’t remember. I almost started on Tegretol till both my father and I finally put our foot down as far as turning me into a walking pharmacy went. This was some time in the mid-80s, but I didn’t kick my pill dependency altogether till 1990.

I’m not saying no one should see shrinks, therapists or take pills. I’m just saying that I totally believe that labels and pills are widely overused and misunderstood. Our chemicals can become unbalanced simply from not eating right. There are a number of things that can throw us off balance very easily from childbirth to illnesses, injuries to emotional trauma. We all walk a fine line between balanced and unbalanced and I’m not sure a lot of people realize this. But if we all start popping pills every time the shit hits the fan in our lives, what good will this do us other than cause us side effects and possible addictions? So I think this should be a last resort left for the extreme cases only.

I totally understand what it’s like to have feelings of inadequacy and like you’re being singled out and picked on by some unseen force for no damn reason at all. For everything I can do that most people can’t, there is something I can’t do that most people can. I can sing better than 80% of the population yet I can’t even sleep with my own husband because I’m such a light sleeper that his loud snoring and movements wake me up. I can dance better than most people yet I have a driving phobia. I could learn just about any language I want yet I can’t keep a schedule. I could learn just about any musical instrument I wanted yet can’t even do simple math. I can act just as well as the best actors and actresses out there yet the slightest noise has driven me absolutely crazy since being in the projects I was in before leaving New England in 1992.

So I know what it’s like to be gifted, blessed, loved, lucky, fortunate, smart, unique, special and extraordinary as much as I know what it’s like to be punished, hated, cursed, abnormal, freakish, helpless, hopeless, unlucky and unfortunate.

I was saying to Tom the other day, so what if I can sing? So fucking what if I can write well and learn languages? It won’t buy us a house or give us the security we want. Then he pointed out that it isn’t where we end up in life, it’s the path we take to get there. All that matters is that I enjoy the things I do along that path, and I do enjoy them except for the economic concerns.

I believe Marie when she says she would be by my side if I were suddenly alone and that she is determined not to push me away, and I appreciate that. As I told her, I’m sorry my words sting at times, but I do think we’re better off at a distance so we don’t jump down each other’s throats as much. This way I’m still a part of her life and she’s still a part of mine.

There’s this transcription company at the job site that’s been paying really well and has had jobs consistently enough. At the rate we’re going we could soon be up to about 2K a month and that’s what most people make. We’re close right now as it is.

Tom learned that I will get half of whatever he gets when he retires when I’m 66. This is nice to know (if we’re still alive then), but that’s 22 years from now! Damn, am I really that young still?

Last night I had a strange dream about Charlotte, a longtime family friend whom I’ve always adored, but haven’t seen in about 20 years. It was kind of creepy too, and I couldn’t go back to sleep for a while afterward. I’ll have to ask my folks if she’s ok. I think she’s a little older than them, so she can’t have much longer to go. I’ll see if I can find out her DOB. Yup, looks like she’s 81 now.

Anyway, I was at what appeared to be a Chanukah gathering. Present were my parents, the drama queen, and Charlotte. Of course the DQ and I were threatening to kill each other every chance we got. We exchanged gifts, and then at one point, I sat down next to Charlotte who was sitting sort of out of the way. She was suddenly all happy to see me and was hugging me fiercely. She asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. Then she said she was sorry she never got to see me again, and I said, “Never got to see me again? What do you mean, Char? You’re seeing me right now.” But then I realized that she didn’t quite look right, not to mention the fact that she was ice cold as well.

Writing is really therapeutic, alright, and I thank God for it. I’m not going to say what it was, but I learned something a few days ago about someone Tom and I used to know. In fact, they’re related to us. It made me so sad that I was kind of down and out for a while there, but decided not to bother telling anyone about what I learned. I just didn’t see the point in it. Instead, I wrote about everything it made me feel and that seemed to help a lot, only I didn’t put it online. I’m still bummed out, but not as much as I was when I first found out about it. I wasn’t sure whether to scream or cry at first.

MONDAY, MAY 3, 2010 Yay, I can walk around the bed for the first time in two years! Tom and I discussed rearranging the bedroom, but it is just too small to really have much in the way of options. You know Tom and Jodi S. work much too hard to be deserving of any more than a 500-square-foot dump anyway. And so we simply pulled it away from the wall a few inches so I could make the bed up easier. We had to disconnect the platform from the shelves first, but it was simple enough.

Sure enough, Jesse didn’t return yesterday. It was also dead quiet up there. I never heard one single bark. So he either never went out or was out with the dogs. I just don’t get why after all this time Whiskey doesn’t get that barking his ass off isn’t going to bring Jesse back any sooner. I mean, I know dogs aren’t as smart as rats, but still, I thought they could figure at least some things out.

At 6:30 this morning, however, the barking let me know he went to work. So that leaves Tom as my only possible distraction for the day before and after we’ve run the errands we’ll be out running. We probably won’t leave till noon.

I’ve been working on my story like crazy. I can’t believe just how much writing I’ve been doing! But I am determined to create my first full-length novel if it takes me the rest of the year. I don’t think it will, though, at the rate I’m going. Plus I also now have the rest of the plot pretty much mapped out.

Marie started a diary of her own again and I don’t think I should mention the link because she doesn’t seem to want anyone she knows (other than me) to know about it. I got a kick out of its title, but if I mentioned it, that would give it away.

Meanwhile, I still have a very strong feeling I’m going to regret accepting those connection invites from her or even responding to her first entry. She didn’t pester me yesterday other than to send a quick thanks for accepting the invites, and I appreciate that because I think that if we are going to remain friends we’ll have a better chance of it at a distance. I think the more we communicate, the more we’ll fight. As it is, I think she’s going to end up giving me all the motivation I need to be driven away for good. I hate to say it as I don’t mean to be mean or anything, and I’m not implying that I myself am perfect. I know I wrote some mean things about her, even though I was simply stating my opinion and didn’t mean to come off as cruel or negative in any way, and I apologized to her for it, too. I’m just saying that I’m simply not equipped to deal with paranoia, manic-depressants, bipolars, or whatever other labels these things are categorized under. Again, I hate to sound selfish, uncaring and insensitive or like I don’t still love her. I just need stability in my life. I can’t help her in any way, and as she herself says, it only worsens with age. I don’t think she realizes, though, that each time she suddenly bites my head off and falsely accuses me of whatever, she’s only pushing me further away. And eventually, I’m not going to come back.

It’s ok to disagree with someone or to suspect they might have done/said something you don’t like. But just like Lisa, she handled the situation quite poorly. All she had to do was bring it up in a polite and civilized way and I would have gladly discussed it with her as normal adults.

Perhaps I need to start researching various kinds of mental illnesses like Marie and Lisa’s and several others I have known so I can better understand them. Then again, even if I did understand them, what’s the point if they can’t be helped? If there’s no hope for the experts to ever stabilize them, how the hell can I ever be of any help?

They say that if society continues to oust the mentally ill, it only hurts them more and makes them feel all the more like freaks that no one cares about, so the thought of walking away has made me feel guilty. At the same time, I know I’m not responsible for her. I’m not legally obligated to her in any way and I have a right to let go of people who upset me or bring me down in any way. Besides, they make it hard for people not to want to abandon them when they keep swinging back and forth between being sweet and kind and accusing us of plotting against them faster than we can keep up with. It’s back and forth and back and forth, and like I said, each time it happens, the farther away I’ll go and the less likely I will be to give her another chance. How many “chances” can I give her any way to take me at face value and not jump down my throat for something I wrote in the heat of the moment weeks ago?

But “the most beautiful person” she has ever known? The most beautiful?! Wow, that’s quite a compliment if that really is the case! And paranoid or not, she’ll always be my #1 fan.

Last night, as I was laying in bed waiting for sleep, I almost wanted to cry. But the tears simply would not come. I feel so robbed, cheated, picked on, singled out, punished, deprived, abnormal and screwed over by God above! As if being born to the kind of mother I was born to wasn’t bad enough, did He really have to go and throw in all the other stuff as well?

He gave me a husband that I love dearly, but don’t lust for in the way I have with some women, and who was “happy” not to get off in bed. And while my husband was “happy” I wept over the child and career I could never have, and the fact that I was also unable to sleep with this “happy” husband or get in a car and drive to a job because I couldn’t keep a fucking schedule! Furthermore, neither of us has even wanted what would only be one-sided, half-assed sex with each other, we lost one home and two pieces of land, and people have shit on me like crazy and gotten away with it. In the end, I’m almost just as broke as I was 20 years ago and living in someone else’s trashy trailer because I couldn’t keep my home, and the only one I could keep was the one I didn’t want to keep.

SUNDAY, MAY 2, 2010 Nickolena’s baby really had me down yesterday. I don’t know why hers in particular would have me so down since teenage moms are everywhere these days. I guess it’s just a reminder that I never had much in the way of choices in life compared to most people. Had I gotten pregnant at 14 and wanted to keep the kid, my parents wouldn’t have dared support me like Paul supported his daughter and like David and Evie supported theirs. And then I wasn’t even allowed to have one when I wanted one as an adult!

Nor was I allowed to have any career or woman I ever wanted, and I know I never could in the future either. If I suddenly wanted to become a published author in the way I once wanted to be a singer, it would automatically be out of the question simply because it was me who wanted it.

Jesse will be down at 9:30 to finish what he was doing yesterday, or so he said. He’s not usually very punctual, but I hope he gets things finished up at least with this project because my schedule is perfect for it. I won’t get much work done with all the distractions, but it’s better than losing sleep over it.

Jesse came down yesterday, not to the door, but to bulldoze the drive in back. I’m glad I was up since he didn’t have the decency to call, of course, and see if we were up, though he might’ve seen me out running earlier and hanging clothes.

First he bulldozed the weeds while I played with Whiskey to keep it fire-safe from the hot dry summer that we just might get after all, and then he dragged the few remaining logs up to his place. After he gets more diesel, he’ll be back today to finish weeding the areas our electric weeder can’t reach.

Then I guess that leaves the straightening of the fake grass strips and the driveway he wants to create in back leading down to the well, plus whatever other projects he can dream up to annoy me with.

So to finish up before both Tom and Jesse distract me, along with the barking when Jesse takes off later on, I was thinking of Marie a lot yesterday and how I hoped she wouldn’t feel guilty or blame herself for anything. She was just being who she is, and hey, it’s not her fault she has problems. We all have problems. These days my problems may be minimal compared to what they were years ago, but I’m not perfect and neither is my life. So it’s not like I think I’m better than her or too good for her. I just don’t want all to run smoothly for a week or two just to end up getting screamed at because I’m not perfect. And I hate not being taken at face value. If I had some other reason other than busyness for not wanting to do email so often, I’d tell her.

A part of me wishes she had told me never to contact her again and that she forever hated my guts if only because that would have been easier and wouldn’t have left me struggling with whether or not I should at least say hi every once in a while. But I know I could contact her if I wanted to and so I’m just going to have to remind myself that we’d only end up fighting all over again if I did.

But then this morning I woke up to Yahoo connection invites from two of her accounts. Against my better judgment, and realizing I may regret it, I accepted. But I can tell you right now that if there’s any more shit I’ll be gone for even longer next time, and maybe go a step further by blocking her emails altogether. I’m not going to give her any laughs at my expense by sticking around to fight with her, and I’m not going to answer any email today either. I’ve got too much to do on top of whatever annoyances await me here today, and tomorrow I will be out shopping and running errands. I don’t want to be bothered. It’s too soon after the last spat anyway. She knows she can read this journal if she wants to know what’s going on with me, and she did say she always wanted to know whether I spoke to her or not and that she would read it.

Meanwhile, I’m very flattered that she cares about me as much as she does.

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2010 Just thought I’d jot down some thoughts, questions and feelings before Jesse gets noisy or allows the dogs to go crazy on us when he leaves. Or both. And before Tom gets up and is a potential distraction as well.

Since it’s been a long time since they’ve been mentioned, Tom’s older brother David, who owned the house we bought from him in Phoenix, married a woman named Evie. When she was 40 they had a daughter named Nickolena. A few years later a son named Parker followed. Out of curiosity, I looked them up on Facebook and MySpace. The only one I found, which was on MySpace, was Nickolena, now 16. In the picture with her was what appeared to be a little girl, just as redheaded as herself, of around 2 years of age. Well, Evie’s too old now to have a 2-year-old, it was too young to be Parker and I’m pretty sure it was a girl. So unless it’s Evie’s niece, which I highly doubt, that leaves only one other logical explanation for the kid and that’s that it’s Nickolena’s.

This discovery invoked a slew of questions and feelings within me, not surprisingly. And I’m not going to put this online for any possible family members to read and get a kick out of. I would be totally embarrassed to have them read what I’m about to write, and for one who normally doesn’t give a shit what others think, this ought to tell you something right there.

The first question was: Why, God? Why? As much as things worked out for the better and as miserable as I’d have been with kids of my own, why would God allow what had to have been a 14 or 15-year-old at the time to have a child while He ignored my own pleas for a child many years ago? And the pleas of many other women of reasonable age?

And why would David and Evie even think of allowing her to keep the child and throw her life away before it even has a chance to begin? She’s still a kid herself! Times have really changed because the parents of these teenage moms just don’t regard them with the shame, embarrassment and disgust they did way back when. David and Evie, however, would be the type to let her keep it if she wanted to. They’re that so-called loving, supportive family I never had.

Sometimes I wish I was young again, wanting a kid as much as I used to, and either with a guy who was willing to perform normally that wanted a kid just as much, or with a woman who was willing to have me artificially inseminated. And with plumbing that worked and that I was at least “allowed” to use.

At the same time, I wouldn’t change a thing or trade Tom for the world.

And sometimes I wish Tom and I could get our old libidos back, even if his didn’t quite match mine, but the only person that has seemed to want me in years is a very obsessive and unbalanced woman on the other side of the country.

I also wish I never had to suffer the frustration and depression that went with wanting so many so-called normal things I could never have. Why did God have to bother letting me want a kid in the first place for the years I wanted one if He knew I wasn’t going to have one? I can see once wanting to be a singer and that being impossible but true lust and a baby??? And the ability to keep a goddamn schedule??? That’s a little extreme, don’t you think? This is part of why I have had so much anger toward Him and much sadness as well. It really has a way of making one feel picked on to have been denied the kinds of things I’ve been denied by Him and to have had the kinds of shitty experiences I’ve had. Sure, things could’ve been worse. I could’ve been born to some poor couple in a third-world country that didn’t have brains enough to prevent my existence, thus making me suffer by starving to death. But I think I’ve been dealt a rough enough hand in life in many ways. Why compare and try to make light of what’s bad enough at times? Why bother with the I’m-not-alones or the things-could’ve-been-worse routine when that can never change the facts?

For my own good or not, God still took my dream career. He still denied me any serious lust, the kind I believe most people get to experience at least once in their lives. He still denied me the right to choose whether or not I had a kid. He still took our home. He still let people victimize me and get away with it, too. Tom has been my compensation and while he’s a wonderful compensation, I think I deserve a little more. I don’t want to go back and be a singer. I don’t want to go back and be a mom. But I want any past or future perps to be made to pay for victimizing me, and I want to stop having to worry about money! I want a home, too! If I’m wrong or selfish in any way for wanting these things, then fine, I’ll gladly be wrong and selfish. But God had better start making more of my days a hell of a lot sunnier for once!!!

Sometimes I think of the 3 main characters in the book I’m currently writing, all completely fictitious but very real to me, and I wish I could have had similar experiences with similar people, minus the murder and mayhem, of course. Even though everyone’s looks fade with time, oh to have been with someone I perceived as attractive as I once perceived Kate Jackson and the characters in my books. Oh, to have had the freedom of choice while I could keep a schedule. Oh, to have been able to make money from some of the things I love to do and not just have them all always be nothing but hobbies. Like I said, I can see living with the driving phobia and some of the problems and things I didn’t get to do or have in life. No one gets it all, even if some people sure seem to at times. But enough is enough already! I want to be God’s little princess for once, and I want to break free of these chains and be in the driver’s seat of my life! A good place to start would be with Tom getting a job so we could eventually get a home of our own.

Yeah, God, how about that? Think my husband is worthy of a job? Could we have that much in life? Or are we just such shit in your eyes that we don’t even deserve that much? Would you let the phone ring with a job interview for Tom if I got down on my knees right now and begged, pleaded and cried for you to let this happen? Or would you just go on ignoring me?

Another thing I won’t put online (because I told her I wouldn’t read them) is that Marie sent a message from the journal site yesterday saying she’s sorry.

Yeah, and if I emailed her right now, all would be fine for a week or two, then she’d go off on me for some stupid reason.

Today it was that her phone and email were always open to me.

That’s really sweet of her, but to forgive is to fight all over again and I’m just not interested.

I have thought about Marie a lot and I feel both bad and right for not communicating with her. I hate to make her feel like I don’t care about her problems or that I don’t give a damn what happens to her because that’s totally not the case. I care very much. I just don’t want to go back to arguing. Like I said, to forgive is to end up fighting all over again and I’m just not in the mood. I think we’re both best off moving on. I’ll always cherish her pictures and the memories of the good talks we had, but I hope someone will sweep her off her feet and that she’ll forget all about me and be like, “Jodi who?” if someone mentioned my name later on down the road. I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong with her, and apparently I couldn’t do anything right for more than a week or two either. And I don’t want to upset her any more than I want her to upset me. I will be forever flattered that she cared for me as much as she did and that she liked my writing and was just about my most loyal fan ever, but I don’t want to argue anymore about who said what and whose intentions are what, etc. I will miss her, but not the bickering.

Later…

The journal site is down now so I can’t post what I’m willing to share from my last entry just yet. Went back and studied Nickolena’s picture again. Her profile is private, so all I can see is her picture and status. Her username is surrounded by musical notes and she speaks of shows at some club or lounge. “Today was so much fun I wish I could do it all again. Tomorrow should be the best show yet, so come see it,” she says, giving me the impression she’s some kind of singer. I figured that despite the fact that David and Evie make what’s probably great money, she would be forced to drop out of school and get a job, but to think that at just 16 she’s living out two of my former dreams that I was never allowed to live out really makes me feel all the more singled out, picked on and hated by God above. OMG, I almost want to scream! Or do I want to just burst into tears? OMG, I almost wish these social sites had never been created! If they hadn’t I wouldn’t have been contacted by Tammy, I wouldn’t have had my head and emotions jerked around by Marie, and now I wouldn’t have to be so reminded of how any dream of mine is for someone else to realize and someone else only. Not me!

Meanwhile, I’m happy for you, my dear little niece who’s perhaps a smidgen of a spoiled little princess as well. Your aunt and uncle, 44 and 52, live in someone else’s dumpy old trailer unable to have the things they want in life. They’re not having much fun right now either, and they certainly lost their desire for sex a long time ago. But you’re still young. You can have all the things they once wanted and might want in the future as well.

Later…

Went out for a run that was too short, but long enough to keep my muscles strong and my joints from being a problem.

El cocko’s home cuz the dogs just went galloping through here. I suppose next comes the engine gunning.

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wonhuis · 3 years ago

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man it fucking sucks to be me like what did I do for this year to be so awful

#i was doing a freelance job and it was a nice amount of money that would help me a LOT #i got part of it before starting the job right. as is my procedure i receive 50% before and the rest after #but then i broke my computer and my phone and i had to spend that money already #my deadline was set on the 31st I'll only have my laptop back on the 5th #so i explained to the client what happened and asked him to please extend the deadline as i had not finished the project #and wouldn't be able to send it to him on time #i had 10 days to do it. i started on friday. broke my laptop on monday. and he told me i 'should've finished it all on the weekend already'#as if i knew i wasnt gonna be able to finish it #and now he says he either wants the job done by the 31st or the money back #so i need to take $150 out of my ass to give to him because he cant wait a few more days for his shit done #im really so sad lmfao i feel like i cant keep going nothing is working for me #i cant even say 'things cant get worse' because i know they CAN #i dont have enough money to pay my own bills ffs #my college my cats food and litter my phone my electricity and internet bills. i cant pay for it all #and my mother cant help me as shes still spending a lot bc of her ankle that keeps acting like a bitch #like what am i supposed to dooooooo #people arent hiring me bc i dont have enough experience at the field i wanna work but i don't wanna go back to things i hate #i spent my whole life working on things i hate with people i hate i really just wanna do something that makes me feel good #BUT I CANT #and then i cant even finish a single fucking freelance work because i bROKE MY DAMN LAPTOP #like how am i supposed to live like this 😭😭😭#my whole entire year was disgrace after disgrace literally NOTHING went well for me. nothing.#my sister got covid 3 of my cats got sick i lost 2 jobs lost 2 friends my mother can barely walk i dont have money for anything #my sister fell and hurt her ankle too i had to start taking meds again bc i couldnt handle all the shit happening at the same time #i broke my stuff i shoved a knife on my hand and hate to take a few stitches my migraines came back bc of the stress #but I'm still thankful my cats got better and so did my sister and my mother and i. and my grandma met her grandson so i was happy for her #anyway #negativity tw #depression tw #talks

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be-with-me-so-happily · 3 years ago

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Summary: Y/N applies to be a styling intern for the One Direction crew during the Where We Are tour. As she gets better at her job and closer to the band and crew (especially Harry Styles), some of her dreams seem to be coming true, but so are some of her fears.

A/N: It's finally here! Took longer than expected, but it's done. Hopefully it's worth it for all of you beautiful people. So, strap in friends, and don't get too comfortable...

Warnings: Some language, alcohol consumption, jealousy, oral sex (female receiving), intercourse

~~~~~

CHAPTER 16 -

LET ME BE YOUR GOOD NIGHT

Jan 31st, 2015

You had left the bar that night on good terms with Harry, believing you could handle your emotions while working together. You're so good at compartmentalizing, and your focus had always been on working hard before. Harry seemed on board with that.

Since that last drunk call though, you've been questioning whether Harry can handle it. If you're honest with yourself, you're not sure if you can either. What he had said made you feel giddy. You liked that he thought about you. You liked that he missed you. You even liked it a little that he was jealous of Ryan, even though there was nothing to be jealous of. You know you need to get your head straight before the tour, and hopefully your focus can switch back to business once it starts. So, you need to stay away from him until then.

:liam: darling, you're really not coming?

:you: it's too messy payno

:liam: you two seemed okay last week

:you: it's just not a good idea

Tonight is Harry's birthday party. You aren't really sure if you were actually still invited, since you haven't spoken to each other since that last drunk call from him, but you knew it wasn't a good idea. You just didn't want to lead him on, you didn't want to make things uncomfortable… you also didn't want to see Sarah flirting with him all night. It's the right choice, but your stomach is in knots as you realize the party is starting.

Natalie invited Ryan over for another chill movie night at Levi's. You suspect she is trying to encourage something to happen between the two of you, but it'll be a nice distraction either way.

"Okay, we've got a movie playlist going, snacks, dinner on the way, and plenty of alcohol to forget any superstar ex-boyfriend." Natalie jokes.

You glare in her direction, as you pour popcorn into a bowl. "I'm not drinking tonight." You say.

"Why not, party pooper?"

"I don't want to do something stupid later." You explain.

Dinner arrives and you grab your plate, then settle down on one end of the couch. Natalie, obnoxiously, dims the lights before playing the first selection.

Between movies, you check your phone, since you heard it buzz before.

:liam: not the same without ya, darling

:liam: it's weird you're not here

:you: there will be other parties payno

You put your phone down and as the next movie starts, you realize Ryan is now in the middle of the couch instead of the other end like he was before.

As if he read your mind, he looks over and comments, "you're not great at sharing popcorn, are you?" He laughs.

"The popcorn and I are soulmates." You smile, extending the bowl towards him.

"Lucky popcorn." He states, before reaching for a handful.

You give off an uncomfortable smile and turn your attention to the TV.

~~~~~

After two more movies, Natalie asks for a bathroom break, so you decide to check your texts and flip through social media.

:louis: miss ya

:louis: also don't like sarah

You giggle, but then come across photos of the party in progress. There, right before your eyes, is a photo of Sarah hanging all over Harry. Your mind is transported back to the night of the SNL after party. Once again, someone else is allowed to do what you weren't. She is a lot bolder than you, and she's getting what she wants that way.

You try to convince yourself that it doesn't matter, and that you can't be upset about it anymore, but you feel jealousy quickly bubbling up inside. You place your phone down harshly and Ryan looks over to you.

"You alright Y/N/N?"

You sigh. "Yeah…"

"You sure?" He scoots closer.

"Yeah, I'm good." Natalie walks in and you stand up. "I'm claiming the bathroom now."

You walk down the hall and lock the door once you're inside.

You stand over the sink and take some deep breaths.

[Why is this getting to you so much? You broke it off over a month ago… you're fine… right?]

You look up in the mirror and see that there is a tear in the corner of your eye.

[No. No… don't do this]

You take another deep breath and walk back out to the couch.

"I think this'll be my last one guys, I'm beat." Levi states.

"Yeah me too, I gotta work tomorrow." Says Ryan.

[Thank goodness, the awkwardness will end]

They pick an action movie and you sit back down with some more snacks.

"Are you going to share now?" Ryan jokes, scooting a little closer, once again, to grab some popcorn from the bowl.

"You know you can get a bowl for yourself right, ya thief!" You joke back.

"I didn't realize I was friends with a popcorn hoarder. I have to rethink things. Good thing you're nice otherwise, and pretty." He replies.

[Oh no]

Just then you hear a knock at the door.

"Am I super drunk? Did we order more food?" Natalie asks.

There's another knock.

"I'll get it." You laugh, taking the opportunity to remove yourself from the awkwardness you were just feeling.

There's one more knock before you reach the door.

"Okay, geez, I'm coming." You respond, giggling as you open the door.

[Shit. Oh… shit]

"H- Harry? What the hell are you doing here?" You ask, looking at the gorgeous man in front of you. "You're supposed to be at your birthday party…"

"I don't want to be there." He responds. His head is down and you can tell he's had a lot to drink.

"I don't believe that. It's your fucking birthday party." You state again. You see he really does look sad, but attribute it to the amount of alcohol he's probably had. If the drunk calls are any indication, this happens when he has had a lot.

"I don't want to be there. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right… without you."

You are getting a little annoyed. You had tried to push past all of this, but had literally just been dealing with some unwanted feelings, and now he randomly shows up like this?

"Why didn't you come?" He adds, with a slight whine in his voice.

"Because we aren't together anymore." You answer.

"So? You planned it. I thought we were okay."

"It wasn't a good idea for me to go."

"I wanted you there."

"That's why I didn't go." You reply

"Y/N, come on, you're missing the best part!" Ryan shouts from the living room.

[Not good timing dude, not good timing]

Harry's eyes widen, and then the harshest frown appears on his face.

"He's here? You fucking skipped my birthday party to hang out with him?"

"Yeah, I am hanging out with some of my friends." You argue.

"He's not a friend. He definitely wants to be more." He continues frowning, looking past you as if he's trying to direct his glare directly at Ryan somehow.

"Harry… I'm sorry I didn't go. You shouldn't be here. Let me take you back, okay?"

"Y/N I don't want to go back." He stops for a second, then asks, "will you just take me home?"

"Fine. Wait here."

You head inside, letting everyone else know where you're going.

"You've gotta be kidding me. Honey, no." Natalie argues.

"Nat, he's wasted, and it gets him out of our hair." You're not going to argue with her, so you grab the keys and walk outside.

"Come on Harry. Get in the damn car."

~~~~~

You are silent the entire time. You have no idea how to handle this situation. He's been drinking, but he has been saying that he's missing you. You were hurt by him, but yet you still feel this tug whenever you see him. It's as if you're instinctually happy that you get to look at him, and be around him, no matter what the circumstance is.

You shake your head, trying to shake those thoughts out. You don't even know why you're doing this right now, driving him home, but you always want people to get home safely if they've been drinking. He's no exception.

Harry's been sitting there with his head down, trying to sneak some glances whenever he could. You don't make eye contact, just focusing on the road. You pull up to his house, as close to the front door as possible, and turn the engine off.

"Here." You state, so matter-of-fact.

"M'kay. Um… thank you." He replies, head still down. He opens the door and sort of trips as he tries to get out.

"Oh geez." You roll your eyes, opening your door to help that idiot get inside.

"Sorry." He mumbles.

"Let's just get you inside." You respond.

You let him rest his arm around your shoulders, as you wrap yours around his waist. It's not as if you can handle carrying his fully weight, but at least you can give him some stability.

You help him unlock his door and get him over to the couch. You walk to the kitchen to grab a large glass of water, and walk back to put it on the coffee table in front of him.

"Okay, get some rest."

"Thanks."

You move to turn around but he places a hand on your hip that is closest to him. He looks up at you as you turn back towards him, meeting his gaze and seeing his puppy dog expression. Those eyes make you feel uneasy yet so safe at the same time.

"Please, Y/N. Please stay."

"Harry, no. That's not a good idea." You respond.

"Why not? Just for a few?"

"I think you still have feelings… floating around."

"Of course I still have feelings for you. I lov-... I still want to be with you." He explains.

"That's why it's not a good idea. We aren't together anymore."

"You don't have any feelings for me anymore? None at all?" He asks as he closes his eyes, seeming to brace himself for the disappointing answer that he is expecting.

"I…" you sigh. "I don't want to." You admit.

"What?"

"I don't want to have feelings for you anymore."

"Not exactly the answer I was hoping for…" he sighs.

"What do you want me to say Harry? That I still feel so strongly for you? That I miss you? That it's hard to see someone else flirting with you? That I want to be together again? Like, what do you want from me?" You start to raise your voice. He was the one to open you up so easily to express yourself when you were together, but you don't want him to have that right anymore. Though you'll let him see that you're angry.

"Umm… yeah, actually." He smirks for a second, hiding it away when he sees your frown.

"I can't do that."

"I feel like you just did a little…" he replies, smirking once again.

"This is ridiculous. That's not happening, and I'm leaving." You move away from him quickly before he can touch you and stop you yet again. You walk towards the door but he shoots from the couch and is only a half step before you, even though he's stumbling a little. You reach for the door handle, but you feel his breath on the back of your neck and can't get yourself to turn the knob.

"Tell me you don't still care about me." He asks.

"Of course I still care about you, Harry."

"Then tell me you don't still have feelings for me." He asks.

"I…" you clear your throat. "I don't."

"Look at me, and tell me you don't still have feelings for me."

You clear your throat again. As soon as you turn around, you have to close your eyes.

[You don't know if you can do this, you don't know if you can look him in the eyes and say that… but you have to, right?… you need to]

You open your eyes and meet his.

"I don't…" You feel yourself start to breathe heavy and you feel his breath on you. "You're drunk. Let's drop this." You shake your head and look down, unable to meet his gaze again.

"Say it and I'll leave you alone. I'll let you walk out, and we can just see each other on tour." He offers.

You look back up, trying to muster up the courage to say what you think you need to say, and not what you now think you may want to say.

He reaches his hand to your cheek, and all the memories of the rooftop party come flooding back. You remember how comfortable you felt, even as you melted at his touch. You remember how your stomach was in knots, realizing it is doing the same thing now. You remember the ecstasy you felt when you finally let your walls down and enjoy that amazing first kiss with him.

"Can you actually tell me you don't still have feelings for me?" He asks again.

"Harry… I… can't-" you stutter, but as soon as the last word slips out, he moves his lips as close to yours as he can without touching them.

"Tell me not to…" he states.

Your labored breathing has matched his. Every instinct you had to be sensible is withering away and you are trying desperately to hold onto any control you thought you had before.

"I… can't…" you admit, and he places his lips on yours in such a tender kiss. Just like on the rooftop, you melt. He pulls away, but only hovering his lips right in front of yours.

"M'sorry." He says. You open your eyes quickly to see that he is squinting, as if bracing himself again for a disappointing reaction.

You unintentionally let out a subtle moan and see him smirk as he pulls away just a tad further and opens his eyes, looking straight into yours. It's as if they are silently communicating with your soul, and you giggle.

He bites his lower lip, and as he uses his other hand to hold your other cheek, he moves his body even closer and passionately places his lips back on yours. You sigh into the kiss.

You no longer can deny that you've missed this. You've missed his warmth, missed his touch, and missed him. As hard as you've tried to push it all aside, you've really missed him.

He pushes his body more against yours, causing you to press up against the door. Your arms wrap around his neck as you deepen the kiss. He wraps one arm around your waist, creating even more pressure between your two bodies, and moves the other to the back of your head. His tongue moves to part your lips and you don't hesitate to do so.

He moves both of his hands to your waist and motions for you to jump up. He grabs under your ass and you wrap your legs around him instantly. The couch is the closest piece of furniture, so he maneuvers his way over, your lips never leaving each other, and slowly lowers himself down on the couch so that you are straddling him.

You both pull back for a breath. You chuckle slightly and mumble, "this is so dumb of me."

"Do you want to stop?" He asks, fully aroused but always caring.

"No." You respond immediately, shaking your head.

"So, safe?" He asks.

"Safe." You grin, knowing that you've never felt so cared about during sex as you had with him. He tugs on the bottom of your shirt, so you lift up your arms for him to remove it.

He lets out one breathy laugh, as he looks at your chest and grins. "You… you still have your necklace?" He asks, looking as if his eyes might fill with tears.

You clear your throat. "I… I never take it off." You bite your lower lip. "Only time it left this spot was when it fell off."

He places both hands on your back, gently rubbing them up and down, and moves his gaze up to your face. "I've missed you."

You roll your eyes, assuming it's just because you're naked on top of him. "Mhmm…" you reply, grabbing his face with your hands and leaning in for a kiss.

"I have!" He states.

"Shut up and kiss me." You demand, moving his face and pressing your lips against his. You grab the hem of his shirt and lift it up over his head, tossing it to the side as you lean down to kiss the swallows on his chest.

You grab the back of his neck with one hand and lift your hips up slightly, reaching down to his pants to unbutton them with the other.

"Talented." He exclaims, impressed.

"Horny, and impatient." You wink, as he helps you with the zipper, sliding them down past his knees. You stand up to shimmy your bottoms off and take his pants down the rest of the way.

You move to straddle him again, but he grabs around you and flips you down onto the couch, so that you're laying on your back. He hovers over you. His chest glistening, his breath labored, and his 'Sunshine' necklace hanging down perfectly in your view.

"You still have your necklace too." You smile.

"Of course I do." He answers, without hesitation. He leans down to kiss you and runs his fingers along your center.

"Safe?"

"Yes."

He pushes them in, the coldness of his rings heightening the sensation.

"Wow. You're so wet." He exclaims arrogantly, as he leans down to kiss your neck. You moan out, grabbing the couch with one hand, gripping the pillow beneath your head with the other.

He starts kissing your jawline, kissing back down your neck, and down your chest. This time with him feels less tender, and way more passionate, as if you are both getting all the pent up desire out tonight.

His kisses continue down your body and as he reaches your clit he uses the tip of his tongue to swirl around it, causing you to grab his hair.

"Oh my god." You let out, with a breathy moan, and he picks up the pace of his fingers. You buck your hips a little and he uses his free hand to hold one side down.

"Fuck, Harry!" You grab his hair tighter and start to pull it a bit. He moans against you, which gets you right on the edge of your orgasm.

"I'm so close." You mutter, barely able to form the words. He moves the hand that was on your hip, grabbing your upper thigh and gently squeezing it, sending you over the edge. Your body tenses, clenching the couch as you tighten your grip on his hair even more, closing your eyes and throwing your head back.

"Oh fuck!" You yell out as you let go. He lifts his head from your grasp, slowing the pace of his fingers.

"Please look at me." He asks, as you come down from your high. You open your eyes and gaze into his, seeing a big smirk on his face, your chest moving rapidly as you catch your breath.

He pulls out his fingers, licking the two that had been inside you, tasting what you had just released all over them. He moves to hover over you again and place a passionate kiss on your lips, causing you to taste yourself.

He sits back on his knees and pulls you up slightly, maneuvering your body to flip over. He hovers over your back, kissing your neck, then whispering, "safe?"

"Yes."

He uses his fingers once again to run up and down your center, his rings causing your sensitivity to be overloaded. You lay your head down onto the pillow, turning it so that your cheek is resting on the fabric, as you keep your ass in the air. He runs his tip along your center, teasing you and causing even more sensitivity than before. It's so much that your body starts to shake.

"Safe, love?" He asks, with slight concern in his voice.

You look back at him as much as possible. "Yes. Just need you in me."

"What was that, love?" He asks with a chuckle, knowing that the tease is causing you even more impatience.

"Harry! I need you in me!" You howl.

He doesn't hesitate to gently thrust in, but quickly picks up speed as he feels you around him.

"God I've missed this." He hisses, grabbing your hips with both hands and squeezing them each time he enters back in.

One of his hands moves to your ass, grabbing and massaging it as he continues to pump into you.

"Fuck I've missed this." He moans again.

"Me too." You admit with a whisper.

That causes him to go faster, moving his hand back to your hip and pulling you into him to get deeper.

You let out a loud moan and arch your back even more. He leans forward just a little bit, running one hand up your back and grabbing your hair.

"S- safe baby?" He asks.

"Yes, Harry. Yes."

"Oh shit, I'm gonna cum. Are you close?"

"Yes!"

"Oh fuck. Say it again, please." He exhales, his movements getting sloppy as he gets closer to his orgasm. "Please say it again."

"Fuck, yes. I'm so close, H!"

He thrusts in one more time, reaching the deepest point he had the entire time, and you let go. You grab onto the pillow tightly, with Harry still pumping into you to reach his own orgasm as you work your way through yours.

He groans and pulls out, releasing all over your ass.

Once he has caught his breath, he quickly gets up to get something to wipe you down, coming back and cleaning you off with such care.

You turn over and sit on the couch and Harry moves to kneel between your legs. He shakes his head as he smiles, looking so deeply into your eyes.

You match his movements. "I did not think this was how my night would go."

He chuckles, then bites his lip and starts to blush. "I wanted this to be the only way for my night to go."

Your logic quickly kicks in and your smile slightly fades. "We shouldn't have done this while you're drunk."

His eyebrows furrow. "Don't do that. Please. I've wanted this, to just be with you again since… umm, since New York. It's not because I was drinking."

He meets your eye line and grabs the back of your neck to pull you in for a passionate kiss. As he pulls back, he grins, showing off those deep dimples. "Plus, what's your excuse then?" He chuckles.

You blush, not even knowing what your answer could be. But he doesn't even let you respond.

"Would you stay the night?" He asks, squinting his eyes shut, as he seems to do every time he braces for the answer he doesn't want to hear.

"What about your party?" You ask as you remember his original plans for tonight.

"There's no way I'm going back now. You're here. And, umm… Sarah is too much." He rolls his eyes. "I want to wake up with you, on my birthday. Will you stay?" He pauses. "You don't have to."

[It's not a good idea, but neither was what just happened, and you really don't want to leave]

"Okay." You pause, needing to clarify one thing first. "But can we talk about things tomorrow?"

His smirk pulls on one side, showing only his right dimple now.

"Yes, we can talk tomorrow." He smiles. "But, first, do you want some pancakes right now?"

You nod, and notice the time on the stove is now past midnight.

"Happy Birthday, H."

He grins widely, and winks. "Best birthday by far!"

~~~~~

Series Masterlist || Chapter 15 || Chapter 17

Taglist: @watermelonsugacry @tw1nflamebruis3 @slut4lilyrose @pinktakeaway @hopefulwastelandcreation @tenaciousperfectionunknown @his-only-angel-1989 @queenmadi2 @runway-to-my-aid @theekyliepage

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manias-wordcount · 3 years ago

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Young Again (Zhongli x Reader)

𝗔/𝗡: 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝘆 𝗯𝗶𝗿𝘁𝗵𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗽𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗮𝘄 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗶𝗺 𝘄𝗵𝗼𝗿𝗲

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚: 𝘀𝗲𝘅. (𝗺 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴) 𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗹

𝙒𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚? ⇒ 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙟𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚𝙧?

He never particularly cared about his birthday.

After all, he’s god. Why would he? Rex Lapis has seen far too many for the day to have any more meaning. Now, it just marks the fact that he’s old and he’s getting older. He can see the value of it. And he understands its purpose too. A day to celebrate yourself- all that you’ve been through and all that your future holds. Age means wisdom, and he was always one to bring honor in the past. However, in his position, the years just blur together when there’s nothing of interest. Six thousand years go by, yet why should he celebrate each one? What use is a birthday when you can have as many as you wanted?

Naturally, his dismissive attitude towards his birthday follows him to work. For the longest time, he was pestered and prodded at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor about his birthday. He’s sure they meant to be friendly, but it was only after requesting to be left alone to do his work in exchange for the date of his birthday. In hindsight, he should have known that the big reveal of December 31st meant that he could no longer have just another, an average day at work.

But then again, they were throwing this “party” because they liked Zhongli. Not to win the favor of Rex Lapis.

Though with the way things were currently going, it’s likely that this party was more for themselves. He hadn’t even noticed it was that faithful day until Hu Tao announced it as he walked into the door in the morning. It was filled with a chorus of cheery birthday wishes throughout the day, from everyone- including those he rarely saw or spoke to. And the workday was done and the sun had started to set, out came to the food, and Hu Tao forcing him to at least “stay for a little while!”

Though he supposes it wouldn’t hurt. Besides, the others had chipped in on the beautiful spread of food and drinks, so of course, he was not going to deny such delicacies. In between the perfectly cooked Matsutake Meat Rolls, warm bowls of Bamboo Shoot Soup, and copious plates of Almond Tofu finally came the alcohol. He nursed his drink throughout the party- sipping lightly and just barely entertaining the antics that were planned. Though when they realized they had overestimated just how much he’d participate at his own party, they moved on to socializing and binge drinking with each other.

Somewhere along the way, he lost Hu Tao- one of few reasons he actually attended. And consequently, he lost the motivation to stay in sight where they were holding the celebration too. He figured it would be used as more of an excuse to lose composure in the presence of the very people you work with every day. Though he can’t find it in himself to grow annoyed or displeased by their internal motivations.

After all, without this party, it wouldn’t have led him to you .

“You’re doing such a good job for me. ” Zhongli’s murmur is absent as he peered down in between his legs to see you. Your eyes, big and round, flicker up to meet his as you rest your hands on his thighs and stick out your tongue. You don’t break eye contact as you lick the expanse of his cock, moving slowly to capture the taste on your tastebuds. “ So eager to please, aren’t you?”

He knows not immune to lust. And he knows he’s not immune to your charms either. Since you started working at the funeral parlor, he knew there was something about you that was drawing him in. A good worker and pleasant to be around. Cultured and knowledgeable. You’ve always been a quiet one- cute but dangerous. You’re human. You’re young. Even so, he’s found himself falling victim to your flirty touches and half-lidded glances for a long, long time.

So when you approached him tonight, he can’t say he didn’t feel anything when you silently took a sip from his drink with teasing eyes. Because he did . An excitement he hadn’t felt for a long time came bubbling up from his stomach as you grabbed his hand pulled him close. A longing he hadn’t felt for ages as you smiled up at him licked your lips. And a certain tightness in his pants as you looked around to see who was watching before pulling him behind you and into a dark, empty room.

And before he knew it, he’s locking the door and pressing you against the wall.

There was just no denying it. You made him feel young again.

Truthfully, he could have spent all night with his lips locked onto your body and your fingers tangled in his hair. He wanted nothing more than soak in the glorious noises that you made while his mouth discovered all the most sensitive spots of your neck. But you pulled away. You pulled away, not even caring for the trail of saliva that connected his parted lips to your now hickey-filled skin. Though as much as it pained him to be apart from you in any way, he will say it was exceptionally worth the feeling of your lips brushing against his ear as you made your request.

“Can I suck your dick, sir?” You plead, and he swears he’s never been more excited to see what such a filthy mouth can do. “ Pleaseee? I promise I’m good!”

And now that he’s experiencing your skills first hand, he can be a testament to your words. You are good. You sat him down on a nearby chair- making a big show out of getting on your knees in front of him. You were all pleasant, and all too innocent smiles as you placed your hands on his legs and brought your face close to his still clothed crotch. And with very little trouble, he feels your teeth latch onto the zipper of his slacks and pull down painstakingly slowly.

By the time you had reached into his pants to pull out his cock, he was about ready to lose himself.

“ Take it into your mouth. ” He uttered his command softly. “ Just the tip .”

You don’t waste time giving him what he wants. Sitting up on your knees, you lean upwards and wrap your lips around the head before sucking lightly. It’s hard to fight back the low groan his body wants to make as your tongue darks out and gets a taste of the precum leaking from his tip. Ultimately, it’s a losing battle as you begin to suck harder, your doe eyes looking up at him as if searching for approval.

The sound slips out of him so easily after that, and you lap it up greedily. He can feel you hum, deep in the back of your throat, and he can tell you’re incredibly pleased with how he’s been enjoying himself. He’s easily able to feel the vibration around his cock, and he’s meant with a new wave of instant pleasure. At the same time, your fingers tease upwards- drawing tiny shapes on his thighs. It’s truly a relaxing feeling, and it perfectly combats the way he suddenly feels the desire to grab you by the back of your head and throat fuck you until you’re teary-eyed and sloppy.

“ Minx.” He forces out between gritted teeth, and you’re just enough of a tease to stop sucking him off just to flash him a pearly white smile. “ What am I going to do with you ?”

Outside of the room, the party still goes on, and from what he can tell, no one has come looking for either of you. He doubts anyone has noticed that that the two of you are absent by now, and he prefers to keep it that way. He wants to chase away the talking, the drinking, the everything until he can get his private fix of you. No distractions, no worries. He selfishly wants you all to himself for the rest of the night. That’s the only thing he could dream of wanting for his birthday by now. After all, you offered your mouth up for him so sweetly , there’s no way he could have resisted. Even if he wanted to.

He can hear someone knock something over, and it creates a loud, ugly sound, right by the door. There are footsteps now, loud and heavy, and they approach quickly. It’s followed by good-natured teasing that is just barely muffled through the walls, but it’s that everyone has begun to stand in place. There’s no sign that anyone is coming to enter the room the two of you are in, but he spots the flash of fear in your eyes instantly. You stop what you’re doing, your body growing still and your bottom lip quivering nervously. You start to turn your head, and there’s a sudden timidness that Zhongli hadn’t noticed before about you.

It reminds him that you’re young.

You’re not some six-thousand-year-old powerful being pretending to be in their twenties. You are in your twenties. You’re young and things like life and death and birthdays still matter to you. And confident as you appear to be, sometimes you need a little guidance. And as your elder, he’s more than happy to oblige.

Before he thinks about it, his hand is reaching out and cupping your cheek. You freeze again, but still time, it’s more out of surprise than fear. Your cheeks are so warm- he can even feel it radiate through his gloves. You’re obedient as you let his hand guide you, pulling you to face him once more. And when you’re back to staring up at him with those doe eyes of yours, he doesn’t let go.

He finds himself stroking your cheek with his thumb. It’s a soft, soft feeling and it’s surprising just how quickly the scene between you too turns intimate. But you don’t complain. Instead, you lean into his touch greedily, and he can’t help the small smile that grows on his lips as he notices just how much you enjoy the feeling of his ring against your heated skin. It’s enough to distract you from what’s going on outside. Enough to pull you back into the moment, and allow you to let go of your worries like he was able to once you sought him out.

And it was enough to pull that personality out of you that he oh-so-desired .

Your eyes flick to the side and on the opposite side of your face, you spot his dick standing hard and at attention. You send him a look that’s both coy and apologetic for not paying his little issue any attention, but Zhongli can hardly find it in himself to shoot you a sharp response. Truthfully, it is a little straining to be left high and dry when you’re already so good at what you do. But how can he be upset with you now considering you’ve just turned your head in his grip to deliver tiny butterfly kisses up and down his shaft?

It’s nothing compared to that warm mouth of yours, but he knows he’ll get it again sooner or later. December 31st comes once a year. He rather you draw it out for as long as possible. He rather you make him feel good for as long as possible. Besides, you’re supposed to be his birthday present. You’ll listen to him. He knows you will.

You’re all his to enjoy, after all.

#zhongli #zhongli fanfiction #zhongli genshin #zhongli fanfic #zhongli genshin impact #zhongli x reader #Genshin #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader

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thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness · 4 years ago

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Toshiya’s Creativity Vol 7: Looking back at Life This time, as Toshiya’s birthday is getting closer, we asked him to look back on his life. From his childhood to boyhood in Nagano and moving to Tokyo after his awakening to music. And the present. Memories, present and future…. Blessed with good weather, we did this interview in a localisation where you could feel the arrival of spring. “For me, music is the most stimulating thing. It was a way to escape from reality” “I think it’s a miracle I met these 4 people.” “When you are standing on stage in front of the audience, you should be a special person that nobody can’t replace”

Notes before reading: This is from ‘Toshiya’s creativity’, the serialization done by Ster Edge Magazine and later compiled into a book with the same name. This is Vol 07 (Ster Edge 006) , which was published in March 2018. Originally, I planned to post this for Toshiya’s birthday but....life. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :)

------ 2017 marked the 20th anniversary of the formation of DIR EN GREY. Toshiya also had the opportunity to look back on the history of the band at various locations. This time, we asked him to look back on his ‘life’ just before his birthday on March 31st. How did he feel at that time? What did he realize at that moment and what does he think now? It was an interview that gave us a glimpse of his enigmatic way of thinking and a part his feelings. Toshiya is from Nagano prefecture. He says the environment in which he grew up was "a normal countryside one” in “a normal family”. In our previous talk with Hide TANAKA, a flower designer who is a childhood friend of Toshiya, which was published in "Toshiya's Creativity Vol6", he talked about his childhood, but we will explore this further, in a bit more personal way. When he was asked about his oldest memory, he folded his arms, thought for a moment, and then opened his mouth. “This memory comes quickly to my mind. There was something like an agricultural cooperative bazaar/rummage sale being held near my grandparent's house, and I think they took me to it. I was very impressed by a child of the same age as me at that time who was lost and crying alone. So, I remember holding my grandpa and grandma's hands tightly and saying, ‘Don’t lose me!’ (laughs).” His grandparents' home and his home were close, so he often went out with his grandparents from an early age. “I was close to my grandfather and my grandmother. I remember I was the type of child loved by the elderly. I’m still quite in contact with my family and relatives, we have a good relationship. But it wasn't something special, it was normal for me at the time. My hometown is a normal countryside town, where nothing is like this city, it feels like there are only mountains and rice fields. I also liked drawing at home and playing outside. I was playing like a normal country child would do.” Young Toshiya seems to have grown up in the nature of Nagano. It seems his parents also respected the things he wanted to do. “I was in a sports boys' team, a baseball team, and I practised kendo. I feel like I certainly did what I wanted. I liked physical activities. I wasn’t strong or weak at sports, after all I was normal (laughs). My parents taught me soroban (Japanese abacus), and in junior high school I attended a cram school. I think I got a textbook to study English through radio lessons. I just pretended to play the abacus, and I wasn't good at it at all (laughs). " Toshiya was a boy who was devoted to sports. He talked to Hide about playing the guitar when he was young, but was he interested in music and instruments at that time? “No, no at all. My mother's brother used to play the guitar and I was just using that guitar as a toy instead. More than playing, I was killing time. It felt like that. At that time, I had no dreams for the future. When I was told to write about my dream for the future, I just wrote ‘be a salary man, like my father’. I think that was the safest choice (laughs). The children of my class said ‘I want to be a police officer’ or ‘I want to be a pilot’, but I wasn't interested in what I wanted to do in the future at all.” He said ‘normal’ many times while talking about himself in the past but while listening to his talk, he didn't feel like that for some reason, he had a mysterious aura since he was a boy. He said the thing that young Toshiya was more interested in was ‘wild ideas/fantasies’. “I think it was like that in the past. Didn’t you have any ‘wild idea’ /fantasy on your way to school or coming back from it? I liked that kind of thing. As I liked Gundam, I thought ‘I want to ride one’. Sometimes I went home with my friends, but more often I went home alone. It was about a 30-minute walk from my house to school, so it was days of spending all that time doing that (laughs).” Perhaps he was a boy who had his own world and the strength to be alone. “No, no, I didn't think deeply about that. I never felt scared to be alone…. the reason I went home alone was it was easier for me to go home alone (laughs). I'm older than my siblings, so I grow up as an only child for a while. That’s why it was normal for me to be alone. Most of the boys and girls I played with were older kids who lived near my house” Toshiya, an elementary school boy who often played with older boys and girls who lived in the neighbourhood, gradually got more chances to listen to popular songs at his senpais' homes. Boøwy was the catalyst for him to have an instrument. “Boøwy was a cool band that older seniors listened to. When I got into middle school, there were about one or two people in the class who liked Western music. When I became friends with those guys, I was told ‘You are still listening to Japanese music?’ (laughs). From that moment, I started to dig deeper into Western music.” Then, that Toshiya in middle school becomes more and more absorbed in music. It was around this time that he started to have in his mind that he wanted to play an instrument. “Besides Boøwy and X…..From overseas… I listened to Van Halen. Then, bands like Europe, Guns N'Roses,Bon jovi….. as it was the golden age of LA metal (glam metal), I liked that kind of stuff. I listened to the X’s single ‘Kurenai’ at home. That song starts with a ballad-like part, and then it gets fierce at once, but when I was playing it at first, I could hardly hear any sound. I still remember that suddenly it made a loud noise when I turned up the volume, I was surprised and desperately turned down the volume (laughs). " As Toshiya told us this funny incident, for sure there are many people who had a similar experience. What elements of these bands inspired Toshiya in middle school? "The music was exciting, but the fashion and performance were shocking ... Every band was very unrealistic. It seems that I was taken to a different world at that time. The feelings were very strong. Since TV was the only way to collect information, I think the influence from TV on me was huge.” He has been absorbed in band activities since high school. The first thing he got in his hands was a guitar, not a bass. He doesn't have get the chance to play the guitar on stage right now, but he uses the guitar to make songs. "After all, I started playing the guitar because I admired some guitarists, but I thought 'It's difficult to play with 6 strings. It's a little easier with 4 strings.' After all, I thought it would be easier if there aren’t many chords to hold down. Also, I thought the bass was in a position that didn’t stand out much compared to other instruments, so I thought it would be interesting because that means there were many interesting possibilities about playing” Toshiya, who liked drawing since childhood, went to an art school while being in a band, after graduating from high school. Although he is good at drawing, he eventually chose the musical path. “I didn't want to get a job after graduating from high school, but I didn’t want to study something either. However, I liked drawing, so I asked my parents to attend an art school. At school, the places where the people who graduated there got a job are displayed at the corridor, isn’t it? I was looking at that and I thought ‘Ah? I don't think many people can get a job in the world of drawing’. I don’t think there are many jobs available when it comes to drawing. I thought ‘I like drawing but as this is more a hobby than a job, there is no point in spending money to study it. I’m going to spend my time doing what I like’. After all, I left the art school in about a year. After all, you only live once, and I may regret not doing what I want to do…..That's why I decided to go on the path of music for real. Music is the most stimulating thing for me. Making music was fun and I think it was a bit an escape from reality. I could be a different person than the one I was in my daily life….I wonder if these ‘extraordinary things’ became an stimulus for me.” Immediately after that, Toshiya goes to Tokyo to be fully into band activities as a band man. An era in which the Internet is hardly widespread it was important to move to make his own path. He took action and met various people. “When I went to Tokyo, I met and talked with several people. I was told often that ‘those who move out their hometowns had already won’. I thought there was no chance if I stayed in the countryside and I started doing band activities quietly. There may be various risks and scary feelings, but if you really want a chance, you have to go to the place where there is information. Of course, I think that taking no action is also one of the options. There may be a way to improve your skills locally, or you can go out to the city to seize opportunities, and I think it's up to you to decide which one to choose. I met the members (of DIR EN GREY) in Tokyo, so I think I wouldn't have been in this band if I hadn't come to Tokyo. " "I think it was a miracle that I could meet the other 4 members” Toshiya, who met Kyo,Kaoru, Die, and Shinya, moved to Kansai and started band activities there . In 1997, DIR EN GREY was formed. They made their national debut in 1998, and made his major debut in 1999 with the release of the singles "Akuro no Oka", "ZAN-" and "Yurameki". He thought ‘Because I only have one life, I may regret not doing what I want to do’, and took action. About three years later, Toshiya's life changed. "I think most people in the music world are like that…..At that time, I didn't know what I was doing, but I was confident. I think it's a little scary when I think about my confident at that time. I had such a simple idea that in a way or another, we were going to make it. That's why I didn't think anything strange, the biggest thing was that I didn't have any strange fear. As I grew up, I started to think about things I hadn't thought of before. I was getting more and more involved with people, but I didn’t have that kind of thing when I was young. I think that was the biggest driving force. When I look back on it now, I feel envious of that feeling that nothing was going to stop me.” It was a brilliant and sensational success. It was probably the tremendous power of these five people that attracted that success, which the appropriate world to describe it would be “comet”. A comet that seen from a distance was very beautiful but, how did DIR EN GREY feel about it, being the comet themselves? “We didn’t fully understand the situation we were in. There was a strong feeling we were getting into a world we didn’t know. We were an active part of that, but it felt like we were outsiders. At that time, music had a stimulating sense of unreality but also the fear that it became real started to spring up. At that time, it felt like that many times. DIR EN GREY was called the “last boom” of the scene we were in and I think we were lucky. There was also a part of us that tried to not be absorbed by that boom” DIR EN GREY’s activities have been very creative since then. From this formation until their debut, the band didn’t lose their spirits and kept their aggressive stance. Continuing to present things with a strong emphasis in musicality and fashion making a distinction in the middle of that ‘boom’, they built a unshakeable fortress called DIR EN GREY. “At that time, various media such as TV and magazines talked to us, but we tried not to go in that direction. I was influenced by TV in terms of knowing music, but when it comes to my own work, I didn’t think about becoming the kind of musician that appears on TV. Of course, I thought it would be the best if we got TV exposure but…..at some point, there were things that cold me off. ‘This boom won’t last forever’, it’s easy to get on that boom, but once the boom is over, it’s gone. At that time, I might not have thought so much about it, but I instinctively felt that it was dangerous to get into that boom” It’s not just Toshiya, all DIR EN GREY members agreed. “Sometimes thanks to the boom and the media, they (the listeners) get to know about you. I think it’s the best way to get people know about you but, I also think it’s really dangerous. I think there were some people who succumbed to that kind of excitement. We were cautious because we were the only ones who could protect ourselves, no one else would protect us.” Because DIR EN GREY decided that it was dangerous to get drawn by that boom, they were able to pursue the music and expressions they wanted to do in a deeper way. A different strength from that boom. “That’s right…. We didn’t really understand what happened, we couldn’t say ‘ we did this so this happened after’, there were moments we relied on ourselves, but there were also moments that we relied on others. I guess that balance was good. However, we tried to not get into that wave of popularity as much as possible” DIR EN GREY continued to run ahead of the boom without appearing in the mainstream media, toured Asia in 2002, achieving the first overseas expansion. Due to changes in music aspects, the attention they got from overseas increased and in 2005, they performed in Berlin, marking their first solo concert in Europe. From there, they started to held live performances around the world. Their music spread to the world in proportion to the rise of the Internet. Their journey was so innovative in the music scene that many artists used them as their role model. Should it be called ‘a miracle’ caused by a natural sense of balance? “I think this (the overseas expansion) was something rare for us. ‘Something like this is what we want’, ‘It would be good if you could show this or that’……we were told these kind of things so maybe it (a miracle) happened. First of all, I think it’s a miracle I met these 4 people.” Toshiya said this a little shy smile. There aren't many bands that have been so active for 20 years without changing members or stopping their activities. It's a miracle. “Because it’s an aspect that you can’t control…the things you do and the people you meet. I think it’s a miracle in that sense as well.” After 20 years, there were changes as an individual person, and there were changes in the way they interact with music. He says it's not just about music, ‘No matter what you do, if you make a mistake, you're done’, he adds. “Everyone calls me an 'artist', but I don't feel like one. The easiest thing to say would be ‘free person’ (laughs). As I don’t have the experience of a normal working life, waking up at the same time on weekdays mornings, getting on the same train every day, rather than an artist, I would say I’m a free person. However, if there is a misunderstanding, I come to think of myself as ‘someone special’ who can’t live a normal life. It’s dangerous and scary. But humans are creatures that make mistakes (laughs).” Is it his way of saying that there was a “misunderstanding” in the past? “Well, there is. I made mistakes. That's why I'm scared. At the time of the debut, the number of adults I didn’t know increased around me. No matter what you do, many people was moving. That became something common. But that many people come, means that many people also leave…. Shortly after my debut, a friend from Nagano told me two things. One was ‘it’s good you can do what you like’, and the other was ‘Did you start a band to be admired/ to be pampered?’ Those words were quite a big deal for me. I thought I couldn't stay that way, so I had to change my way of thinking a little more. The words this person told me made me feel sad but then I said ‘Isn’t it good? Why you don’t try to do your best too?’ (laughs).” Toshiya laughs and says ‘I want to be a person with an ordinary consciousness’. His way of talking and manners are soft, giving an impression that he is a person who has nothing to do with the word ‘rude’. “In my teens, my senpais were unconventional and I admired a lot their messy behaviour but unfortunately, times are very different now. When we were children, we thought about what to buy and how to use the money we received for New Year's but nowadays children seem to save money. It might be good to do something unconventional and have a dream in such a conservative era, but I'm not that age anymore. Now, if I do something like that, I’d be in a difficult position (laughs). That’s why being a person with an ordinary consciousness would be the ideal”. “When you stand on stage in front of the audience, you should be a special person that nobody can’t replace” When you ask him about music activity, the talk extends to other topics that are not limited to music. The concept of the brand 'DIRT 100% Natural Dirty' produced by him is 'unisex real clothes that can be worn in a wide range of occasions from casual to formal’, the design not only affects the clothes but also the spaces that surround your daily life. Toshiya proposes and produce unique and original clothes for daily life. The fact that the words ‘life’ and ‘everyday’ are included means that for Toshiya, as music, his brand production and life are something that flows together, not something that can be separate from each other. “There isn’t really a distinction. But both, music and brand production, I can’t call them ‘work’. Of course I can’t remove the business part of it but I don’t think it’s work. This interview is also part of my job, that’s why I’m definitely switched on my ‘business mode’. If you like something in a pure way, you shouldn’t make a business of it. Of course, I make music and produce clothes because I like it, but the truth is that you can’t just do something because you like it. That’s why I think I have to do it. For example, of course I would say ‘I want to do this’ to the company but saying NO to everything that the company suggests, like ‘I want you to do this, I think it’s just selfish. If I’m allowed to do what I want to do, then I have to do also what the company wants me to do, otherwise, it won’t work. If you just want to do whatever you want, it would be like ‘why don't you do it by yourself? I think I'm doing it with several people because I can't do it alone.” It might be because of this that the band DIR EN GREY continue to be active with the same members. It’s only because they have their own opinions but also they have the capacity to listen and absorb other people’s opinions. “I have a firm ideal within myself. However, there are times you will realize things listening to other people’s opinions and absorbing them. When you have a talk with several people that are experts in something, new opinions that I didn’t know before are born. I often think that it’s like the scales fall from my eyes, and it leads to new discoveries. There might be a reason why we don’t aim to “do things by ourselves’. It's not that music and brands can't be done alone…. I feel that if I go alone, I might make a mistake. Going back to I said before, if you think of yourself as 'special', I think it's not going to go in the right direction….But it's an exception when you stand on stage in front of the audience. , you should be a special person that nobody can’t replace” No matter how good a person is, they may stop at some point. Toshiya was no exception. However, he says with confident ‘I still have many things that I want to do’. “I've often thought ‘this is my limit’. I have thought many times ‘I don't have any ideas, I don't like it, it's hard’..... But then, I’ve always come up with ideas and images such as "I want to do something like that" or "Let's do something like this". I've been doing something like that all the time….I think my desire for expression will never run out. I don't think things can be made from scratch. Everything is imitation of something, an arrangement of something….I think that’s the trigger for the ramification of creation. In your daily life, you can see various things and various things will happen, so I hope to reflect in my work what is happening at that moment.” Will Toshiya reach a turning point in his life soon? In the last talk, he wondered if he would become an adult when he is 50 or 60 years old. He also said he wanted to be 50 or 60 years old soon. He set his mind on the idea of ‘You only have one life, if you don’t do the things that you want, you’ll regret it’. Until now, he has devoted his life to the band so is he satisfied with that or is there any regrets? “It’s half satisfaction, half regrets (laughs). I think I have more regrets, though. When I was in elementary school I thought that at my age I would be living in my hometown, I’d be married and would have kids…’I wish I had done that at that time’….’I didn’t do that’….things like that, if I start mentioning them, there would be no end. But you can’t do anything about the things you didn’t do, I think the perception will change if you look at it with regrets or as a reflection. Sayingt that ‘I could become an adult once I’m 50 or 60 years old” means I entrusted to my future self, things I can’t do now. It’s a way of escapism, though(laughs). I feel like the things I can’t do now will be easier in the future and the range of the things I’ll be able to do will be wider. I will pursue forever the person I aspired to become when I was a child. I think it’s a human thing to do that.” Toshiya’s voice “I requested this photoshoot to take place somewhere near the sea. Since my birthday was closer, I did an interview looking back on my life. If anything, it felt like the interview was important. As we went to Odaiba, the travel time was longer. The talk about the Olimpics in the car was exciting.

#dir en grey #toshiya #translation #toshiyatranslations

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fandom-blackhole · 3 years ago

Note

Hi, are you still taking AU requests, and if so: can I get a 77 & a 94 with Agent Whiskey?

I am ALWAYS down to take more of the AU/Tropes! In fact, I should really reblog that post again because I'm in a bit of a writing stump...

Also, this gives me a chance to really test out my Agent Whiskey writing skills, and I wrote this as a little intro into the world I have planned out for a Whiskey fic

77. In Vino Veritas (I am ashamed that I had to google this...)

94. Hair Brushing/Braiding

Send me an AU or 2??

October. It was already October, and you were only a few weeks shy of having been with the Statesmen for an entire year. It seemed like yesterday that you were recruited. You could still see the glinting eyes of Champ as he asked you to join his rank of agents. You'd thought he was mad at first, playing along just for curiosities' sake, but one thing lead to another, and for all the coincidences out there you joined the Statesmen and started working on October 31st, Halloween day. Which was a bit laughable if you considered your line of work heavily involving human direction, being a forensic pathologist and all.

A year... you still couldn't really wrap your head around it. But then again, you were still getting used to this job, after all it seemed like the places was was made to keep you on your toes at all times.

"Cherry, darling, you have got to stop staring at you computer like that. Gonna strain those pretty eyes of yours if you keep that up," speaking of keeping you on your toes, you jumped slightly and your eyes jumped from you computer's digital calendar up to meet those of your favorite, and least favorite, fellow agent.

"Whiskey," you sighed out, "Please tell me your here for something more than just to pester me. I do have work to do."

Whiskey only grinned, and pulled out the chair in front of your little desk before sitting down and leaning back into the chair.

"Now, I would never do something like that to you, darling! I just wanted to come check in on you, make sure you're not stressing yourself over your work."

You sigh harder, and run your fingers over your temples, before looking up giving the man across from you, whose eyes were sparkling with playfullness but sincerity, and you couldn't help but shoot a small smile back at him. "I am fine Agent Whiskey, and I appreciate the concern, but I do have quite a bit to do."

"Oh come on, its almost lunch, let me take you somewhere to get something, on me."

He was smirking now, and you were just shaking your head softly. "No, thank you for the offer, but I did pack a lunch, and I plan to eat right here so I can get through the paperwork that has been piling up."

"Please darling?"

You only shook your head again, and sent him a look of, "this is not a fight you're gonna win", and Whiskey sighed before slapping both legs with his hands and standing up, "Well, I guess I won't argue with you this time, but the offer stands whenever you want to take it."

And with that he left you alone in you office as you sigh and relax back into your chair, a soft pang of regret echoing through your chest before you turned back to you computer, this time to actually get work done.

---

He stayed away from your office for a few days. Something that surprised you a bit considering how much he loved to show up and distract you while he wasn't away on a mission. You didn't hate Whiskey, not at all. In fact, you found yourself constantly fighting a loosing battle with how much you were falling for his charms and teasing. He was a good man, and you new that, but it didn't change the fact that he was a serial flirt, and he probably only came to you for how you flustered and reacted to his advances.

When he walked into your office this time, all swagger and shiny white teeth, you had been gathering your things to head down to your lab, nearly running into his chest as you opened your office door.

"Now, Cherry, had I known you were so eager to jump into my arms, I might have come by sooner."

As always, you sighed and felt hear creep onto your face, before taking a step back and clearing your throat, "Agent Whiskey, please, I have to get to my lab, I have work to do."

He just stood there, smirk plastered on his face, before he held his arm out, and said, "Well then, let me have the honor of escorting the pretty lady?"

You just rolled your eyes and shouldered past him. "Agen-"

"Darling, we both know you can just call me Whiskey, you don't have to be all proper with the agent each time."

Shaking your head you started walking down the hall, listening as his booted footsteps followed after you with a slump of your shoulders. "Agent Whiskey, don't you have work you need to be doing, instead of following me down hallways?"

He only chuckled in response, stopping next to you as you stopped in front of your lab's entrance. "Ok ok, i know when I'm unwanted, I just wanted to make sure you knew about the yearly Halloween party, and make sure you're going this year."

You knew about the party. It was one of the few things the Statesmen did together as a way to let loose and hang out with their friends and fellow agents. You'd been invited to come the year before, but considering you went even officially apart of the organization yet, and you knew no one but Champ, you had not gone to the party. And in all honestly, you were planning on doing the same this year. You still felt to new to really enjoy partying with people you barely knew, having only a few people you did actually converse with, and you meant to tell exactly that to Whiskey, but the second you made eye contact you were a goner. He was looking at you with some sense of eager hope, one that made you ache with guilt for even think about telling the man no. Damn those puppy eyes.

"I....I guess I hadn't really thought about it until now. I guess I could show up for a little while."

The grin that spread across Whiskey's face, highlighting his singular dimple in one cheek had you fluttering under his apparent happiness. "Wonderful! I cant wait to see you there, darling. Find me and ill buy you a few rounds of drinks!"

Still grinning he took a step back, before grinning out, "and don't forget to dress up, it is a Halloween party after all."

And with a wink, he turned and left you cursing your inability to withstand his charms as you shakily pulled yourself into your lab.

---

You shouldn't have agreed to this. You felt silly, and standing outside the party venue you found yourself repeatedly pulling on stupid black gloves that went with your "mad scientist" costume. This is ridiculous, you should just turn and leave and just sit on your couch and watch Stephen King movies all night as you eat far to many fun size candies.

But you were already here, you were already wearing this joke of a costume with black smudges painted across your face as proof of a failed experiment, so you just sighed and yanked on the labcoat dress before taking a deep breath and walking into the party.

Your arrival wasn't late, but you certainly weren't early either. The party had already been in the swing of things for a little while as Purple People Eater rang out across the venue. It was obvious that a few of your fellow agents had already been going after the drinks as they partied, and you couldn't help but cringe a bit at the sight of so many people moving about.

You were debating over staying or leaving again when you heard a loud, but very familiar laugh echo from your right. Turning your head, you had to bite your lip to stop from laughing as you seen Whiskey saddle up beside you. You thought he'd been the living embodiment of a cowboy before, but now, there was no doubt about it. Whiskey had really played into the stereotype, doning a pair of chaps with fringe along the sides, a lasso loosely wrapped around the shoulder of his pearl snap button down shirt, a vest matching his chaps fringe and all, and of course his stetson and his usual cowboy boots now paired with spurs for good measure.

"You, darling, really look every part of a beautiful mad scientist, and id love to be put on the mission to take you down," he finished with a wink, and this time you could help the small giggle that escaped you.

"Please, I didn't think you could look anymore like a cowboy, yet here you are looking like you step out of an old western! Where have you parked the horse? Out back?"

Whiskey chuckled, smirk spreading as you teased him, and his eyes lighting up as he leaded down and whispered, "No horse, but you know what they say, save a horse, ride a cowboy."

Rolling your eyes, you scoffed, looking around the room before you turned back to Whiskey and saying, "I remember you promising me some drinks?"

Grinning, Whiskey motioned for you to walk first as he followed behind to the closest bar. If you were being honest with yourself, you could feel your hands shaking with nerves. You'd never really teased Whiskey back like that before, and while you had enjoyed it, and could tell he had liked it as well, you couldn't shake the nerves that seemed to be following you, the nerves that always followed you when Whiskey was near.

You downed the first drink Whiskey had gotten you, even as he chuckled in surprise before ordering you a second as he only sipped on his own iced whiskey in his hand. The two of you talked, well Whiskey mainly talked, telling stories about past missions and what heroing things he's done, though some seemed a little far fetched to believe no matter how much he insisted upon them. You laughed, and teased him a few times, and as time ticked on and you finished more and more drinks, you found yourself enjoying the party and happy that you actually came.

Then, as you started swaying a bit back and forth from the amount of alcohol you had consumed, Whiskey leaned forward and said, "I think its time I get you home. I think you've have enough fun for one night, darling."

You wanted to put up a fight, you were having fun and going home meant that your time with Whiskey would end, that all this false confidence you had gotten from your liquid courage would fade and you'd be back to just flustering at his teasing words as he followed you down the halls or sat in your small office, and you didn't want that.....you were having fun...you were having fun with the man you liked... a lot...."

Looking up, Whiskey was staring at you, deep pools of brown swirling as he took in your face, which only confused you, was there something on your face? But then Whiskey smiled softly at you, and said, "Come on, I'll drive you home," and you could only melt at his soft words and expression as he guided you out of the party and towards his vehicle.

The second you were seated, you felt your eyes dropping, the weight of the day paired with the alcohol finally making you sleepy, making you slur your words as Whiskey asked for you address, but you eventually got it out as you leaned against his side.

You fell asleep on the trip to your home, only waking as Whiskey nudged you and helped you walked to your home. He even took your keys, opening the home for you as you stumbled inside, not even bothering with changing clothes as you walked to your bedroom and collapsed onto your bed.

"I know you're tired, darling, but you need to shange into something more comfortable, or at least get these boots off, Cherry."

You just whined and rolled onto your back, lifting your leg trying fruitlessly to yank the boot off, before you heard Whiskey chuckle and walk over to help. Gently, you unzipped and pulled off your boots one at a time, making sure to lay your legs back onto your bed softly. He stood there for a few seconds looking over you, before asking, "Anything else you need?"

It took you a few minutes, but in your intoxicated state, all you could think about was how ratty your hair must look, and how you didn't want to deal with it in the morning, so with puppy eyes and a slight piut on your lip, you asked, "Brush my hair for me?"

Whiskey startled, not expecting that to be your answer, but he smiled and nodded, "Of course."

Gently, he sat you up on the bed, before sitting behind you with the brush in hand. "Tell me if I brush to harshly, ok darling?"

You just nod, and sigh when you feel the first knots coming free from your hair. Whiskey was so gentle when brushing your hair, treating you like you'd break if he applied too much force, and after each brush stroke, he let his fingers slide through the untangled locks of hair, occasionally brushing against skin and making you shiver. By the time hed finished, you'd fallen asleep from the soothing movements.

---

The next morning you woke up to a glass of water and some aspirin on your bedside table with a note from Whiskey that just said, thanks for coming last night and little drawing of a cherry, and no memory past Whiskey mentioning something about an electronic bull from hell the rest of the night and getting home a blur with only a soft voice and white teeth.

While when Whiskey woke, all he could think about was your words you had not meant to say aloud,, right before you both left the party, "you were having fun with the man you liked... a lot...."

Permanent Tags: @mysticalgalaxysalad @phoenixhalliwell @moodsare @perpetual-fangirl900 @night-snows00 @dumbass-simp-for-fredweasley @stargazingthenightaway @meabravo @just-here-for-the-moment @masteracewindu

Pedro Boys: @blackmarketmummy @djarin-junk @littlemisspascal

Also tagging @writeforfandoms because I thought you might like this.....

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#au tropes asks #in vino veritas au #hair brushing/braiding au #agent whiskey x reader #jack daniels x reader #let me know what you think of how I wrote whiskey ....please??#is it 2.30am? yes #should i be asleep or studying? yes #but whiskey seemed more important 🤷‍♀️😌

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babymetaldoll · 3 years ago

Text

Danger Days - Chapter twelve: "Heaven knows I'm miserable now"

Word count: 7,5K

Summary: Joey has to go touring again, and Matthew is feeling miserable. Lynz is starting to suspect something is wrong with her husband.

Warnings: Smut, penetrative sex. Cursing.

A/N: Hi! quick question: would you do what Lynz did??

Masterlist

---

::: Los Angeles, January 28th, 2011 :::

Matthew looked around and smiled. He was pleased to see the new fireplace he had built for their house. Meanwhile, Joey worked on the kitchen’s, painting a wall. They had spent their whole month together working on their future home. They had made the best out of their time together. They even invited her parents for an entire week and introduced them to Matthew’s family. It was all so official and yet, so fun and warm.

Joey never thought she would like those things. And her mother knew it. That’s why she kept telling her how happy she looked with Matthew.

- "I’ve never seen you shine like this"- Mercedes kissed her temple before getting into a plane back to Seattle. Joey could never forget the smile on her face as her mom hugged Matthew and gave him her blessing. It was like he was part of the family already.

But a new leg of the tour was about to start, and Joey had to go. Matthew hated it. He didn’t want her away with Gerard. And Joey hated it too, but she was so happy she had a great job after all that time, and the fact she was good at it made her feel so secure about her skills, in a way she had never felt before. It was like she was finally becoming the Joey she always wanted to be.

Gerard hadn’t appeared that whole month. He had stayed as far from Joey as possible. That meant he had spent most of his time in New York with his wife. Mikey had been around, though. He was always hanging with Joey when Matthew was at work. The drummer had asked him to look for a date, but other than picking random chicks in bars a few times, Mikey wasn’t ready for everything dating or seeing somebody meant. Even rebound sex had been hard for him.

- "Yami, when do you have to go to the airport?"

- "Around midnight"- the girl answered and turned to her boyfriend, face spotted with paint from her work in the kitchen. He walked over and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

- "Why don’t you better stay here with me?"- he pouted, and the girl sighed

- "Akumu, we’ve been through this."

- "I know, but I just…"- he sighed, knowing it was a fight he never stood a chance to win- "Fuck, Yami! I just miss you so much when you are not around."

Gubler whispered, and she kissed his neck softly, taking a deep breath to enjoy his smell. They had been working most of the morning in their house, but Joey didn’t mind the sweat on her boyfriend’s body.

- "You know I miss you too when I’m away, but you are gonna be working. You’ve got a tv show and a movie to make, so you really wouldn’t be home with me much if I were here, would you?"- Joey whispered as Matthew moved and rested his forehead on hers.

- "I know…"

- "So? What if, instead of being sad, we make the best of the few hours we have left?"- the girl bit Matthew’s lower lip and raised an eyebrow, smiling seductively.

- "You mean you wanna do what the moms and the dads do when they are alone?"- he whispered with a funny voice, and Joey closed her eyes laughing.

- "Shit! You had to put it in the less sexy way possible, didn’t you?"

- "So you want it sexy?"- his voice lowered, and her heart raced in her chest as he kissed her neck softly.

- "Yes, Akumu, I want it sexy."

- "And dirty?"- he whispered and bit his lips as he looked at her for a second.

- "Yes, and also loving."

- "You are very demanding, did you know that?"- Gubler smiled, rubbing his lips against hers slowly before kissing her.

- "Yes, I know I am, but you love me being demanding"- a smirk appeared on Joey’s face as she moved her lips from his and stared into his light brown eyes

- "I am doomed, you know I love you too much"- the girl kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck- "Too bad we don’t have any place to do it here in this empty house, just for the two of us."

Joey chuckled and kissed Matthew again.

- "I guess we are gonna have to make the best of it…"

- "That’s the spirit"- he hugged her and lifted her, her legs wrapped around his waist as he started walking outside the kitchen, kissing her.

- "Now enlighten me, my sweet fiancée… is there any room in our house we haven’t done it yet?"- Gubler asked with a smirk and Joey thought about it quickly.

- "Oh no! Matthew! There isn’t another room to have sex in! We’ve done it in every single one of them already"- she answered in a fake concerned tone of voice.

- "Oh dammit! That means we are gonna have to start repeating spots then!"- Matthew quickly replied and leaned Joey’s body against the wall behind her back- "And as far as I remember, you came real nice right here the other day."

- "I did indeed, Matthew Gray. Thank you for remembering it so clearly."

The couple kept making out and continued talking until it was useless to keep track of any coherent conversation when all they could do was to groan and moan.

If something melted Joey’s heart was the look in Matthew’s eyes every time they had sex. The moment right before thrusting into her, he would look into her eyes and wait for her permission. No matter what. Even when she was acting submissive, she had to nod and allow him to enter. Joey had teased him more than once, saying he was a vampire in sex, ‘cos he couldn’t come inside her house uninvited. The truth was, Matthew cared for her, even when he was spanking her, or calling her a dirty whore, or having her calling him daddy. He wanted her to enjoy being with him too.

- "Matthew?"- Joey whispered as the two of them laid on an old carpet, and he moved slowly over to climb her naked body. He stared at her in adoration and caressed her face softly.

- "What is it, Yami?"

- "I just… love you so much"- the girl managed to whisper as she stared into his eyes, feeling how the tears were about to reach hers.

- "Baby, baby"- he whispered and kissed her several times on her lips, her eyes, her cheeks- "I love you too, I am here, I am yours, you have my heart."

Matthew reached out and landed a hand on the necklace Joey never took off.

- "And you are carrying my heart with you, always"- the girl nodded and kissed him again.

- "You haven’t been apart for this long, ever"- she sighed and made her best to remain calm.

- "I know"- Matthew whispered and kissed her neck a few times- "But we are gonna be ok."

- "Akumu… we won’t be together in two months"- it was like the realization had just hit Joey nine hours before leaving.

- "I know, Yami"- he whispered and moved closer to her, if possible, and wrapped her in his arms completely.

- "Matthew…"

Joey’s tears began to fall, and he started kissing them away as fast as possible. But it was too hard, ‘cos he had started crying too, and the two of them weeping naked on a carpet was too much to handle.

And so they cried. They both knew they had been acting funny and silly to cover the fact they were miserable ‘cos it was an eternal leg of the tour. It started on January 31st in Osaka and ended on March 20th in Finland. They had a week off and then another month traveling the states. It was hell.

How was Joey going to cope with the distance? How was Matthew going to deal with the fear of leaving his girlfriend with Gerard? Neither of them wanted to think of it now, but it seemed there were no more chances to avoid the thoughts either.

Matthew held her face with both hands, running his thumbs carefully on her cheeks, before leaning over and kiss her. It was soft. It was sweet. It was sad and filled with love at the same time. He didn’t want to cry anymore, not at the moment. He was going to have a long night without her to think and overthink everything.

But at that moment, Matthew just wanted to kiss Joey’s lips, her whole body. He wanted to stop the fucking time that kept driving him insane and just be with her, enjoy the last afternoon they had together, making love on their living room’s floor.

Joey sighed and shivered as she felt her fiancé holding onto her skin, like a shipwrecked holding the last piece of wood left of his boat. She couldn’t say a word. She just wrapped her arms and legs around him and looked into his eyes, nodding before she felt him sliding between her thighs. Both of them gasped, but neither of them was able to say a word. They just stared at each other and sighed. He held her close, as close as humanly possible, while waves of pleasure washed over them.

Her lips traveled from his cheeks to his jawbone, tracing kisses all the way, returning to his lips to run her tongue through them sweetly, tasting him in every inch of skin she touched. She needed to engrave that taste, that smell in her, to carry it with her all the time she was going to be apart from him.

It was the third time they had to say goodbye, and by far, this was the worst.

On the first leg of the tour, Joey was nervous about the job and being apart from Gubler for three weeks. But now, she didn’t worry about the job at all. Matthew was everything she had in her mind. She didn’t want to turn into the woman who stopped being herself to be with a man. But Gubler had managed to change so many things in her, not even planning on it. And now she was having second thoughts about her priorities.

- "I’m about…"- the girl whispered, and her boyfriend nodded.

- "Me too…"- neither of them said another word. They just kissed long enough to cover their groans and whimpers, coming at the same time.

Neither of them moved. Matthew was still trying to catch his breath, and Joey couldn’t stop holding him close. She didn’t want to let him go. Never.

- "When you come back, this is gonna be our home"- he whispered sweetly in her ear, and she nodded- "And we are going to fill it with our memories."

He sweetly ran his fingers through her hair and looked into her eyes. She wasn’t able to answer. It was too much to take at the moment, so she just kissed him over and over again.

- "And I am going to fill you up with babies too"- he murmured in her ear, and she chuckled- "And they are gonna run around this house and wake us up early at Christmas morning. And we’ll come here to this very same room and open presents with them. And I will make you breakfast in that kitchen while you play with them and their new gifts…"

Joey bit her lips as tears rolled down her eyes.

- "Yami, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to."

- "I know… but it’s my job, and I want to work… but I don’t wanna be apart from you…"- he nodded and kissed the tip of the nose.

- "Tell you what, after this tour, we can take a few months off from traveling to spend them with your new husband, who is going to take the same amount of time off to be with you, and only with you"- the girl smiled and kissed him.

- "I can’t wait to marry you, Matthew Gray Gubler. Did you know that?"

Frank was crying. This was the saddest goodbye. It was getting harder for him to be far from home now that he had two baby girls. He was slightly rethinking his whole life. He loved music, he loved playing, he loved performing. But he loved his family most, and being apart from them was making everything too difficult.

Was it even worthy?

- "You could come to see us in London"- Frank said as he walked to his wife after packing his bag- "We are gonna have a week off to recover from the Japan jet lag, please come."

It wasn’t much of a request as it was a pleading. And Jamia could feel it.

- "Are you sure?"

- "I don’t wanna be apart from you for two months, I’m gonna miss the babies growing up"- she wrapped her arms around Frank’s neck and kissed his lips.

- "Of course, we can come, honey"- Jamia looked at him and cut him a warm smile, trying to ease his mind- "I am going to miss you too."

- "Thank you"- he rested his forehead on hers and sighed- "This is too much time apart."

- "I know."

- "I don’t wanna go."

- "Don’t be silly, once you start the tour, you are not going to be so sad. You are gonna have fun with your friends, and you are going to facetime us all the time… we’ll be in London together, that’s like in a week or something, so don’t feel sad, don’t cry, please."- Iero nodded and kissed his wife again.

- "After this tour, I’m gonna take you on the best vacations you’ve ever seen"- he said and smiled.

- "Aren’t you going to be sick and tired of traveling all over?"- she asked, frowning as she let him go and helped him finish packing more t-shirts.

- "Maybe, but I could use some all-inclusive time with my wife"- Jamia’s eyes shone.

- "You can’t take it back now"

- "I know"- he grinned and felt her hands on his cheeks, pulling him into a big kiss.

- "So, start the tour quickly so it finishes earlier and we can pick a beach to lie on for two weeks."

Gerard was in hell as he looked at all the bags by the door. Lynz had decided to go along with him on their trip to Japan, and he couldn’t convince her otherwise. Gerard needed to go back touring and be on her own with Joey. But he wasn’t going to be able to. Instead, he was going to keep his distance from her to avoid any suspicion from his wife.

The truth was, Lynz was already suspicious. She wasn’t blind. And just like Matthew, she could see the way her husband drooled every time he landed eyes on Joey, and she hated it. Deeply.

Lynz noticed the drummer wasn’t aware of that fact, but that didn’t mean she didn’t reciprocate her husband’s feelings. Had anything happened between them on tour? She couldn’t tell. Did Mikey know about this? She could ask him, but what if she ended up making a fool out of herself? She was the cool wife… she had never been jealous before. Never.

- "Are you sure you are not overpacking?"- Gerard yelled from the lobby and heard his wife replying from upstairs.

- "That’s all I need for a two weeks trip"- he closed his eyes and sipped his coffee. Two weeks.

- “Fuck”

- "Aren’t you excited?!"- Lynz walked over with one last bag and smiled at her husband- "You and me together in Tokyo, there’s so much we can do!"- he smiled and felt her arms around him and a peck on his lips.

- "Yeah! It’s fantastic!"- she frowned and looked right into his eyes.

- "Now make it seem like you mean it"

- "What do you mean, baby?"

- "I’ve got the feeling you are not excited about me going with you on tour"

- “Deny! Deny!” Come on, babe! What makes you say so? You are so wrong!"

- "I know you, Gerard. And I know when you lie."

- "No! I am happy you are coming. I am just scared I won’t have so much time to wander around with you, and I don’t want you to get upset with me."

- "No honey, don’t worry"- she smiled and kissed him- "I can always wait for that week off in London, there are so much we can do there too"- he kissed her and looked at the hour.

- "We should get going."

Matthew Gray Gubler was crying as he kissed Joey for the hundredth time. They stood outside the international boarding door, and he sobbed as he wiped off the tears from her cheeks and kissed her over and over again.

Mikey looked from a safe distance while Gerard and his wife had already left, searching for their gate. Only by the look in Gubler’s eyes, Gerard knew the safest thing to do was say hello, goodbye, and hide. He felt how the actor’s glance threw daggers his way the whole time.

- "I love you so much"- Matthew whispered, and she nodded.

- "I swear I love you more."

- "I honestly doubt it"- he rubbed his lips against her and made her smile.

- "I made you cookies last night. I left them in a jar in your kitchen."

- "Marry me"- he quickly replied, and Joey laughed.

- "You already asked me, I said yes… which reminds me, I might need to put the engagement ring with your heart while I play. It hurts my hands playing with rings."

- "That’s cool, as long as you have it with you."

- "Always…"- she looked at him as tears filled her eyes again- "I’m gonna miss your birthday."

- "Yami, I don’t care about my birthday… we are gonna have the rest of our lives to have birthdays together"- but his words didn’t do a thing, ‘cos Joey was now crying like a little kid, making him cry as well.

- "I’m so sorry, Matthew"- she sobbed and sighed- "I should go… my door is gonna open in like half an hour."

- "Go…"- but neither of them moved.

- "I don’t know why I just feel like I’m never gonna see you again."

- "Don’t be silly, you’ll see me in a couple of weeks to prepare our wedding"- those words made Joey smile.

- "I love that idea."

- "See Mrs. Gubler? You are gonna have to see me again, in fact, I’m planning to see each other every day until we are old and grey."

- "Sounds like a nice plan"- Joey kissed him once more and sighed- "I love you, Gubs."

- "Me more."

- "Me most."

- "I packed a few extra Gubler’s shirts in your bag, just to make sure you’ve got enough of me to carry through Europe."

- "Marry me"- she quickly answered, and he chuckled, tears still falling from his eyes.

- "Sorry, I’m already taken"- he smiled and kissed her- "Call me when you land, I don’t care about the hour, just let me know you are safe"- she nodded and wrapped her arms tight around his neck.

- "I will… though I’ll be sixteen hours in the future."

- "That should be fun. Please tell me if humankind has already discovered teleportation in the future, so I can go be with you while I’m on breaks on the set."

- "Deal"- she smiled and sighed- "I’ll FaceTime you so many times you are going to need an extra phone ‘cos yours is going to be battery low forever."

Matthew held Joey’s face with both hands and pulled her into a deep, loving kiss. They just stared when they gasped for breath and smiled.

- "I love you."

- "Me too."

The trip to Osaka was long and awkward. Joey was glad Lynz was coming, ‘cos for once, and after months traveling with the band, she didn’t care about Gerard. The last break made her realize, she wasn’t crushing on him anymore. She was in love with her boyfriend, she was gonna marry him, and the hot guy in tight pants was nothing but a nice view while playing shows.

But Joey felt Gerard’s wife hated her. She wasn’t friendly with her at all, so the drummer decided the best thing to do was to back off and hang on her own most of the trip. Mikey was with her but sleeping pretty much the whole way. The rest of the band had taken a flight from Jersey to Osaka, and they were going to meet at the hotel. Mikey was looking forward to a nice comfortable bed and a warm meal.

- "You have to be kidding me"- the bassist woke up and found Joey next to him, watching Criminal Minds.

- "What? They had it, I just…"

- "You are so lame."

- "Shut up. Wanna help them find the unsub?"

- "No, wanna help me find an air hostess to get us a drink?"

- "It’s nine in the morning!"- Joey frowned, shocked.

- "Not in Osaka, over there is already… one in the morning! Shit, we are late and sober."

- "Shut up, Mikey."

Lynz looked around the plane and found Joey and Mikey laughing a few rows behind them.

- "Everything ok?"- Gerard asked and looked over too. Of course, his brother and the girl he had a crush on were laughing and enjoying their time.

- "Yeah, I just hadn’t heard Mikey so happy in a while."

- "Yeah"- Gerard quickly put on his headphones back on and continued reading. Lynz nodded and looked at him. He was crystal clear.

::: Japan, January 30, 2011 :::

Joey felt she was dead when she reached her bed. With the bit of energy left in her body, she managed to take off her shoes and facetime Matthew. That was everything she could do before falling asleep on the bed, fully dressed and holding the phone in her hand. Until someone knocked on her door.

- "Sushi time!!!"- Mikey yelled and rushed into her room with Frank.

- "What the fuck?"- the girl was lost in time and space.

- "Hey Iceland!"- Frank hugged her tight and spun her around.

- "Jersey… hey…"- she yawned and scratched her eyes, still half asleep- "What time is it?"

- "Late for lunch or early for dinner, your pick"- Mikey was somehow completely energized, and Frank followed.

- "How many coffees have you two had today?"

- "Two green teas"- Frank said and raised his hands.

- "Five coffees!!- Mikey jumped, and Joey chuckled- "Come on! I need to eat my whole weight in sushi!"

- "He tries to do the same every time we are in Japan… it hasn’t worked yet, but once he puked his weight"- Joey laughed at Frank’s story and walked to the bathroom.

- "Ok, kids. Give me a couple of minutes to get ready, I’m kinda hungry, but I think I want some fries."

- "Bummer!"- Mikey yelled and jumped on the girl’s bed- "Hurry up before someone else wakes up ad we have to wait for more people to get ready."

Mikey loved being in Japan. Why? It was the tour life all over again, and he loved it. He wasn’t home. He was with his friends all the time, so he was never on his own, overthinking everything going through his mind. Mikey needed a break from his life, and touring was the perfect way to avoid reality. Besides, he was on the other side of the world. There was no way he could add more distance between him and his ex. That made him feel relieved. It was like she wasn’t real anymore.

Worm was snoring at the back of the van as Frank, Joey, and Mikey toured around the city. They convinced her to stay awake until night to fight the jet lag, so they kept drinking coffee and looking around the city. Joey was on fire. In her whole life, she had imagined she could go to Japan. She couldn’t believe it. Life had turned out pretty well for her after all those years. It was like she deserved to be happy after the miserable days back in the orphanage. Maybe that was karma. And it was time to enjoy the sunny days.

- "I want a kimono for Akumu!"- she yelled and woke Worm up as soon as they saw a kimono store when the van parked.

- "Iceland, there is no way we can go out on our own in Japan"- Mikey warned

- "Why?"

- "‘Cos… Worm?"- the bassist turned to their friend and bodyguard, and he explained.

- "Though people here are completely respectful, sometimes it gets too crowded."

- "Meaning?"- the drummer didn’t get it.

- "There are too many of them"- Joey nodded at Worm’s words and thought about it for a second.

- "I’ll tell you guys what, park the van, I’ll go to that store, buy Matthew a kimono, and run back to the van in less than fifteen minutes"- no one answered- "There is no way on earth people know me here."

- "Joey"- Iero tried to argue, but the girl didn’t let him.

- "Frank"- she simply replied and raised an eyebrow.

- "I’m not gonna let you go alone"- Worm said and moved over- "Come on, Let’s get Doctor Spencer Reid a kimono"- the girl chuckled as the bodyguard gave instructions to the driver to take them to the best kimono store around.

- "Thank you"- Joey answered and smiled at Worm.

- "Why does Gubler like kimonos so much?"- Frank asked, frowning.

- "His grandma brought him one from Japan when he was a kid, and he has kept it his whole life. I think it would be an excellent addition to bring him a new one for his collection."

- "He collects them now?"

- "Yes"- the drummer answered and looked at her phone.

- "Hey, Jamia is coming to London"- Frank announced.

- "Awesome!"- Joey nearly jumped with the news- "I like Jamia."

- "Really?"- Frank sounded surprised.

- "Yeah! She is adorable! And the babies are so cute!!"

- "Well, I’m glad ‘cos she is gonna be there for a whole week. And I’m guessing you are gonna have to help to change diapers."

- "Deal!"- Joey grinned and thought about it- "Maybe I should ask Matthew if he can come along to London too."

- "Jamia would love you even more if you do"- the three of them chuckled at those words - "She was so embarrassing in New Year."

- "Matthew couldn’t believe it when I told him she was crushed on him."

- "She was so obvious! He didn’t notice it?"

- "I don’t know"- Joey thought about it for a second- "Maybe he is used to people acting weird around him… doesn’t it happen to you too?"- the two musicians thought about it, and Worm chuckled.

- "You are the only girl I’ve seen acting human around them in years"- he said, and Joey laughed

- "I get it now."

The idea of Matthew visiting her in London gave Joey a refreshed energy and something to look forward to in her near future. Was he going to say yes? He had a tight schedule, but maybe he could take some time off for her, perhaps a few days. It was a long trip, yes, but… they could be together. That was always good. The girl decided to wait to call him that night and ask him if he was willing to make the trip. She kept her hopes high, though, ‘cos she knew he missed her as well.

- "I’m so sorry, Yami. I can’t make it"- Matthew answered and saw his girlfriend’s eye water up in a second.

- "But why?"

- "I had already thought about it when I saw your schedule, but that’s the week I start rolling the movie, and I can’t just leave."

- "I understand, Akumu"- she mumbled, laid in her bed, dressed in one of his shirts.

- "I’m so sorry, baby"- he whispered and yawned. It was eight in the morning in Los Angeles, and Gubler was getting ready to work.

- "It’s ok… I get it. You have to work too."

- "I swear I’m gonna look for a date to visit you as soon as I can."

- "Thanks."

- "I have to go now, I need to shower"- the girl nodded at his words and smiled as he showed her the jar of cookies she had made him- "I already ate half of them."

- "Enjoy them, Akumu. I’m going to sleep ‘cos I’m dying."

- "Ok, Yami. Talk to you later."

- "Yeah, I’ll call you when I wake up."

- "Love you."

- "Me too."

The call ended, and Joey kept staring at the screen for a few seconds. One day without him and she was already suffering like she hadn’t suffered any of the earlier times. Why?

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and made her wonder who would knock at her door at midnight. She had said goodnight to Frank, Ray, and Mikey after dinner.

- "Hey, Gerard"- the girl said, surprised as soon as she found him standing outside her room- "What are you doing here?"

- "I just…"- the singer was nervous. He stared at Joey and didn’t say a word for a few seconds.

- "You just?"- the girl asked and kept waiting for an answer.

- "I just wanted to check on you."

- "Thanks, I was about to go to bed, though I might have had three coffees too many, you? Where’s Lynz?"- it hurt Gerard to see Joey so careless about the fact his wife was there. It was like she was even enjoying it.

- “But why? Doesn’t she want to spend time with me? Didn’t she miss me?” She was tired and decided to take a bath."

- "That’s a good choice"

- "Can I come in?"- Joey opened the door completely and watched Gerard Way walking in.

- "So, how was your break?"- the girl sat on her bed and looked at Gee, who kept walking in circles around the room.

- "It was good. Are you mad at me?"- he simply asked, straight to the point, and turned to the girl, who frowned, confused.

- "No, why?"

- "'Cos you are not talking to me."

- "I’m talking now."

- "Yeah, but… you feel distant"- Joey sighed and stared at the singer thinking her answer with a rational and cold mind, for the very first time since she met him.

- "We have never been real close, Gerard"- and that hurt him- "It’s not like we are best friends."

- "Yeah, but it feels like you don’t want to be near me."

- "I don’t have a reason to be near you,"- and that hurt him again, 'cos it meant she didn’t care.

- “There’s no way she doesn’t care. She just has to be excusing herself cos Lynz is here.”

- "Sorry, that didn’t come out right"- Joey excused herself and shook her head, trying to rearrange her thoughts.

- “Thank God.”- Way nearly sighed.

- "What I meant was we haven’t shared so much, and you have been with your wife since we reached the airport. So… no, I’m not mad at you, we just haven’t had time to talk, or whatever."

Joey was so proud of herself she could have clapped if she was alone. She was talking with Gerard, not feeling nervous or… creaming her undies.

- "I see."

- "But we can hang out tomorrow. My plan is breakfast, practice morning, lunch, practice, soundcheck, show. I guess I’ll see you on the soundcheck, we can hang out, have coffee, you can catch me up with everything you did on your break, did you have fun?"- the girl yawned and kept looking at Gerard with a warm smile. Where did the temptation go? It just vanished.

- "Yes, it was very fun"- he answered and sighed, absolutely disappointed.

- "Great! You can tell me all about it tomorrow. Right now, I need to sleep."

- "Sure, sorry for coming so late."

- "Don’t worry"- Joey stood up and was about to walk him to the door when Gerard wrapped his arms around her. She didn’t know how to react to it, so she just stayed still for a second. He smelled so good. That hadn’t changed. But he didn’t feel like a magnet anymore. It still felt weird to be hugged by him. Like… it was dangerous somehow.

- "Sleep tight, ok?"- Gerard moved slightly apart from her but made sure to stay close enough to feel her perfume around him and kissed her cheek. She nodded and felt her knees shake. He could make her nervous; that was a fact.

Gerard was hot, caring, and he was holding her tight. But it was wrong. It felt wrong. And Joey didn’t want to be under those circumstances again.

- "Ok, goodnight"- she moved away from him quickly, making him feel rejected. Gerard Way, rejected? He tried not to make eye contact with her and walked outside the room. Joey stared at the door to make sure he was gone and scratched her eyes in disbelief.

- “What the fuck was that?”- she asked herself in shock- “Was Gerard hitting on me? That felt weird. It didn’t feel naive…. It wasn’t friendly… his eyes… it felt he was trying to get me naked… what the fuck?”

The girl laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to analyze what had happened. She couldn’t find any logical reason to explain Gerard’s behavior. He had been awkward since the moment he stepped into the room. Then he had hugged her for no reason, and then he stared at her from the smallest distance possible. He kissed her cheek, so gently, so slowly, like he was kissing her lips. Sure, he was hot, sure, she had been attracted to him before, but that didn’t mean under any circumstances that she was going to cave in and kiss him.

- “Yeah, I’ve had fantasies, like the kind of fantasies I have with Chris Hemsworth… fuck, he is hot.”

The girl made a pause, ‘cos her thoughts started drifting to the actor.

- “But hell no! I’m not making out with Gerard. He is married, I’m going to be married, and I am not interested, thank you very much”.

Japan was a blast. It was a lot of work, and it was wearing because of the insane jet lag, but mostly, it had been amazing. And for Joey was special too, 'cos Mikey hadn’t seemed that happy ever since she first met him.

But talking with Matthew had been hard. Japan was 16 hours ahead of time, and he was either sleeping or working when she could speak. The same for him. The girl couldn’t wait to reach London to be in a more normal time zone. At least there, she was going to be just nine hours ahead of him.

::: London, February 12th, 2011 :::

Joey walked around Frank’s room holding Cherry while Jamia changed Lily’s diaper. Frank was carrying all of the suitcases downstairs to take his wife and babies to the airport. They had spent an amazing week together in London. Even Joey was sad to know Jamia was leaving. She loved the babies and, just as Frank had warned her, she had had to babysit for them a couple of times, with Ray and Mikey, while Frank and his wife had a couple of dates.

- "If you need anything for the wedding, please don’t doubt and call me, or text me, this is my number"- Mrs. Iero smiled at Joey and gave her a little paper.

- "Thank you, Jamia."

- "I don’t know if you have any married friends in Los Angeles or someone with some wedding experience to give you a hand with all the preparations."

- "I don’t, actually"- the girl whispered, blushing- "I don’t have any kind of idea or clue about what I have to do."

- "Oh shit! This is so exciting!"- and Jamia nearly jumped as she stared at the drummer- "Then I’m gonna have to go help you in person “And hang out your hot fiancé!! Maybe I can help him pick up the tuxedo for the ceremony… maybe I can watching changing outfits over and over and over again.”

- "Jamia, Jamia"- Frank stood in front of his wife and waved- "Earth to Jamia!"

- "Sorry! I was… lost in thoughts. I wanna help Joey with the wedding."

- "Don’t worry, Jamia, I don’t wanna be trouble"- Joey smiled awkwardly as Frank took Cherry from her arms and kissed his baby’s chubby cheeks.

- "Don’t be silly. It’s no trouble. I love to help."

- "You love the groom, face it"- Frank joked, making Joey laugh immediately as Jamia hit his arm a couple of times.

- "Shut up!!"

- "It’s ok, Jamia. I’ll call you in case I need any help, so… I’ll call you a lot of times"- Jamia smiled and gave Joey a small hug.

- "Take care."

- "You too! Thank you for hanging out with me."

- "Don’t be silly!"- Jamia chuckled- "I had a great time! Please, if my husband does something stupid, don’t doubt and hit him"- Joey burst out laughing, and Frank chuckled.

- "Jeez, you really trust me."

- "I actually know you, Paco. I’m not guessing here. I’m talking facts"- the woman stuck out her tongue to her husband and looked at Joey again- "And if he tries to get you into more tattoos."

- "He already got me two, but the last one was too painful, so this might be it."

- "I told you, the ribs are the worst, but you wanted your last name there, and it was your birthday gift"- Iero chuckled and messed with Joey’s hair.

Jamia liked knowing Frank was, in fact, a friend to Joey and that she wasn’t a threat to her in any way.

- "Ok, come on, I’ll take you to the airport"- Joey waved, and Frank nodded- "See you later, Bug"- the three of them walked outside the room, and Joey walked to her door.

- "Hey Lynz"- the drummer said, surprised to find her outside her room- "What are you doing here?"

- "I was looking for… Gerard"- she said and frowned, disappointed, or maybe surprised, to find he wasn’t with her.

- "I haven’t seen him. I was with Jamia helping her getting the babies ready for the flight"- Joey smiled and opened the door.

- "Can I talk to you for a second?"- and her stomach jumped at those words immediately.

- "Sure, what is it? Please, come in."

Lynz walked into Joey’s room and sighed, trying to set her speech straight, to don’t fuck it up and look like a psycho killer. That would make everything worse. She had managed to stay calm around her husband, though every day, she was more and more certain Gerard had a crush on Joey.

- "I’m sorry to bother you, I just… needed to know your opinion, as a woman."

- "Tell me… wow, this is weird, no one ever asks my opinion as a woman"- Joey joked and sat Indian style on her bed- "Please, make yourself home."

- "Thanks"- Lynz sat next to her and smiled- "I just needed to know if Gerard has been weird with you or something."

And Joey’s cheek turned red right away.

- "Weird? Weird like what?"- she honestly asked, thinking there was no way Mrs. Way knew her husband was a flirt with Joey. ‘Cos he was.

- "I don’t know… has he tried anything with you?"

- "What? No!"- the drummer widened her eyes in shock- "We don’t even spend time alone"- which was true- "And we are not even that close"- also true- "So there’s no way he could have tried anything with me."

Joey tried to calm herself down a little bit and looked into Lynz’s eyes.

- "Why would you ask me such a thing? Did something happen?"

- "No. I just know him, and I feel he is maybe a little crush on you"- Lynz was honest with Joey, ‘cos she felt she didn’t reciprocate his husband’s feelings. Maybe by talking about it, she could make sure Joey would stay away from the singer.

- "Shit! No!"- Joey quickly answered, still in shock- "Lynz, I swear nothing has happened with Gerard! And there is no way anything could ever happen with Gerard"- and Joey meant every word.

- "Thank you"- Lynz sighed and looked at the woman sitting in front of her- "I don’t mean to be a psychopath weird bitchy wife, I just…"- she made a pause and scratched her head with closed eyes- "Sometimes he spends so much time away… it makes me doubt."

- "Of him?"

- "Of everything, I guess… maybe after what happened with Alicia and Mikey."

- "She cheated, right?"- Mrs. Way nodded at Joey’s question- "She is still your friend"

- "Yes, but it got weird… and it makes me wonder if my relationship with Gerard could ever get to that point of no return"- Lynz was playing the empathy card with Joey- "Have you ever felt like you and Matthew are growing apart while you are away?"

The drummer’s heart stopped at the thought, and her hand unconsciously reached the necklace he had given her.

- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out."

- "Don’t worry, I guess it’s something we are all worried about at some point."

Joey was sincere, sensing maybe Lynz was honest and vulnerable around her. She didn’t really swallow a lot of crap from people, but she knew Gerard had acted strange with her, so maybe his wife was right.

- "But about me, don’t worry. Gerard hasn’t tried anything weird, and I am not looking for anything weird with him either"- Joey cut her a warm smile- "We are not that close. I’ve always felt he is still not sure about having me in the band, so…"

- "Don’t worry, I get it"- Lynz wanted to believe her, ‘cos she seemed sincere- "Anyway, I don’t wanna freak you out, I better go finish packing."

- "You are leaving?"- Joey frowned as the two of them stood up and walked to the door- "Why?"

- "I’ve got to work, and you will be stuck in a bus with the band for the following weeks. I don’t want to be you"- Joey burst out laughing, thinking she was right.

- "Mikey farting, that’s something I don’t miss"- the two women were still laughing when Gerard appeared as soon as Joey opened the door.

- "Gee"- Lynz frowned, and the singer froze, feeling caught.

- "Hey… what are you doing here?"- he asked and looked at his wife, not knowing what to do.

- "I was hanging out with Joey, you?"

- "I wanted to ask Joey if she had seen you. I reached our room, and you weren’t there, and I can’t find the guys either"- his excuse smelled like bullshit, and everybody knew it- "Besides, I wanted to remind you today we are leaving right away after the show, so you should get your bags into the bus soon"- Joey nodded and turned to Lynz.

- “Shit, now she is going to think I was lying to her” Yes, Ray already called me to remind me that, and Mikey said he was coming in a while to help me taking everything downstairs."

-" Great"- Lynz kept looking at her husband, and Joey kept wondering what to do next.

- "I’m gonna get ready for the show then"- the drummer said and turned to the other girl- "I’m sorry we didn’t have more time to hang out."

A part of her was honest. Joey didn’t want Lynz to leave thinking she was trying to steal her husband, ‘cos she wasn’t.

- "Thanks"- Lynz looked at her and cut her a smile, meeting Joey’s apologetic eyes.

- "And I meant it, everything I said… about Mikey"- Gerard frowned right away. What were those two talking about on their own?- "He hasn’t been weird, but if he is, I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid"- the two of them stared at each other, and finally, Lynz nodded.

- "Thanks, I trust you’d do the right thing."

- "What about my brother?"

- "We were just talking about him and Alicia"- Lynz lied and held her husband's hand- "Come on, let’s leave Joey do her things, see you later."

- "Yes! Later!"

The drummer closed the door behind her back and sighed. What the fuck was going on?

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#Gerard Way #Matthew Gray Gubler #mgg #Babymetaldoll writes #babymetaldoll edits #Mikey Way #Frank Iero #Ray Toro #Danger Days #mgg fanfic #mgg x oc #mcr fanfic #mgg smut

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det-loki · 4 years ago

Text

poison & wine part four

And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her

But what happens when karma turns right around to bite you?

warnings: angst, cursing

pairing: detective loki x fem reader

word count: 3,000

A/N: I don't know why I struggled with this chapter so much but I did. I finally got it to a place that makes me happy though. Again, feedback is welcomed. Enjoy! 💕

1 2 3 ⌽ 5 6

You woke up feeling like death. Your brain was pounding against your skull, eyes sore, body aching, screaming for you to rest. You had no time to rest though. You sprawl your arm, reaching to the opposite side of the bed to hopefully find Loki but to no surprise, it was already vacant and cold. You rolled over to the bedside table, glancing at the clock, 5:46 A.M. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

You stumbled blindly into the kitchen, your feet still heavy with sleep. Every step you took, your body screamed at you to lay back down, stars floating across your vision. You found David sitting at the kitchen table in his work clothes, sitting in silence, rigid. As you walked closer, you took notice of what was in his hands. A photo album.

You almost collapsed on the spot, knees wanting to give out on you, your breath catching on your throat as you inhale sharply. Tears prick your eyes and your lip quivers as you step closer to David and the photo album.

Reaching David, you lay a shaking hand on his shoulder, not daring to peer at whatever photo he was looking at. You knew which photo album it was, the bright pink making your brain foggy, the album stood out like a sore thumb in the minimal gray of the kitchen. You knew if you saw any of the pictures you wouldn't be able to get out of bed for a month. David jumps slightly at your touch, snapping the album closed, a hand coming up to wipe away tears that had fallen down his face.

You moved from standing behind him to sit next to him, your hands finding each other as you sat down in the wooden chair, your body sighing in relief at the position.

"What are you doing, Loke?" Your voice came out as a rasp, crackling and chipping, sounding like sandpaper, disturbing the silence in the kitchen. Your voice sounded as broken as you felt.

"I needed to see her. Remember what we're fighting for. I-I was starting to lose her, her- I was starting to forget what she looked like. What kind of father is that, huh? What kind of father does that make me?" Loki's voice was rough with emotion, each word was a knife through your heart. He was the best father to your little girl, she had him wrapped around her finger since the day she was born. He was soft and tender with her, terrified of breaking her. After finding out you were pregnant, Loki went on a spiral of how he couldn't be a father, he didn’t know how. His childhood was nowhere near ideal, in and out of foster homes and juvenile detentions, his parents a figment of his imagination. He said he couldn’t be good and decent, claiming he was broken and corrupt. The first ultrasound appointment snapped him out of it, tears welled up in his eyes as the sound of your baby's heartbeat filled the room, his hand intertwined tightly with yours. There wasn’t a thing in the world he wouldn’t do for her, the line didn’t exist. You knew somewhere in that photo album there was a picture of him with a pink crown on his head as your little girl was in his arms laughing. The memory caused a fresh wave of pain to hit you.

"That makes you a grieving father who is in pain, Loki. Don't- please don't do this to yourself. She wouldn't want that for you. Or for either of us." The last thing you wanted was for David to fall down the spiraling hole of self-hatred. You could barely keep your head above water and you didn’t want him to drown with you. He deserved better.

"I know. I know. I just miss her. So fucking much, Y/N." David’s voice broke, crackling like static on a radio.

"I know." There was nothing else to say, your brain was a jumbled mess, thoughts not making sense. You knew.

"I went to her grave last week. I wasn't planning on it, I just ended up there. I'm sorry for not telling you, but it felt like something I needed to do alone. And then this fucking case, it doesn't feel real, it can't be a coincidence. It's like the universe knew." His words didn’t upset you, if anything it made you happy, he hadn’t visited her in a long time, he just wasn’t ready and you didn’t want to force him. You visited her regularly, in hopes to apologize or make things right, you didn’t know. The fact that he went made your heart warm temporarily, the cold would creep back in again eventually.

"David, I'm not mad at you for visiting our daughter. I think that's good. I just- this case is eating us alive. We have to make it out of this alive, promise me we will." You needed to hear it, your ears, and heart desperate for a lifeline. Desperate for a life to come back to after this case ended. If it ever did.

“We will. I promise you we will.” David brought your hand to his lips, kissing the back of it, brushing over the small black ink of a snake on your middle finger. You hoped he was right.

Hours later, you sat at your desk reading over the autopsy report of the man found in the priest’s basement. Nothing. Your phone rang loudly in front of you. It was David. You pick it up, nestling it between your ear and shoulder as you reread the report.

“Hey, I’m out here at a house on Fairmount Circle, the house the RV was parked in front of. It’s only been on the market a couple of months. I’m gonna track the owners down, see if they know anything. You got any new info on that corpse we found in the priest’s basement?”

You sighed into the phone, “No DNA, dental or fingerprint matches.”

“Nothing.” David replied in a monotonous tone, sounding fine, a stark difference than he was this morning. He was compartmentalizing, a little too well. You hated it when he did that.

“Priest is sticking to the story, too.” You had gotten report from a fellow detective who took the case, informing you about the priest’s questioning.

Loki scoffed into the phone, frustrated, “All right.”

You look up from your computer to see David walk into the station, walking to his desk opposite from yours. He sat down and immediately started typing. A few minutes pass before he looks over, eyes finding your hunched form, “Come here.”

You rose from your desk, your vision exploding with stars as you made your way over, leaving over his shoulder to read whatever he had been looking at.

The headline read: “Conyers Boy Disappears” dated August 31st, 1987. Barry Milland, age seven when he went missing from his family home.

David spoke below you, “ Let’s go.” You already knew where you were going, to contact the mother of still missing Barry.

You stood in the living room of Mrs. Milland’s home, Loki next to you as she sat in a recliner in front of a TV playing an old home video of Barry. Your fingers dug into your thigh and Loki’s hand was clamped over his mouth, the universe was playing with you, the tape that was playing was mocking the both of you, teasing you for the fact that you have done the very same thing as she was doing now, clutching onto the last good memories.

“Same person who took him took those girls. I’m sure of it.” Mrs. Milland’s voice shook with age as she spoke, eyes never leaving the screen.

The tape temporarily faltered, screen going static before returning to normal, “Wearing out the tape, I guess. I watch it every day after breakfast. It’s the only video I have of him.” She sighs before continuing, “It was before your time. 26 years ago, August 19th. I took a nap in the afternoon, and when I woke up Barry was gone. No one could ever tell me what happened to him. He was playing in the front yard, just a few feet from where they sat that RV was parked.”

God, you wanted to scream. Playing in the front yard and then gone. You were familiar with the pain and shame in her voice, you felt the very same thing every single day.

She speaks again, ripping you away from your thoughts, “What do you think that means?”

Loki raised his eyebrows, shaking his head as he looked at the carpeted ground, “I’m more interested in what you think that means.”

She shook her head, eyes still trained on the screen, “I don’t think we’ll ever know. It’s just like Barry. No one took them. Nothing happened. They’re just gone.”

You bit your lip so hard you tasted blood, fingers digging harder into the jean covered flesh of your thigh. Gone.

You and Loki sat in the car silently, digesting what you had been told by Mrs. Milland.

"Why are we doing this, David?" You weren’t referring to where you were, rather than what you were. How you got to this point in your life, why?

"What? Here?” David looked at you, confused.

"No. This. This job. This case. Is it to avenge her? Justice? Bring peace to other families like we couldn't have? I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I can't but help but question why is it this case? Why us?” You looked out the car window as you spoke, not catching David’s gaze.

"I don't know. I don't know, but we will get through this. I'm here, Y/N.” There was never a moment David wasn’t there for you, and vice-versa. You both knew each other better than you knew yourselves, able to take care of each other better than you could take care of yourself.

Loki’s phone buzzing in the cup holder made you jump, the bubble that had formed popping, David grabbing for the phone, reading whatever text he had been sent, “We might have something with the priest.”

You stood in the hallway, awaiting Detective Chemelinski to escort you to the priest’s interrogation room as David shifted his weight nervously. The fellow detective showed up, motioning for David to follow. Loki looked at you with mild panic in his eyes, silently pleading for you to follow. He didn’t want to face the priest alone. The memories would be too toxic for him to face without you. You nodded your head reassuringly, following David and Detective Chemelinski into the interrogation room Father Patrick Dunn was being held in.

Loki walked in first, you next, and Chemelinski last. You leaned against the wall as Loki greeted Dunn, “How you doin’, Father?”

“I’m...I’m- getting better.” Father Dunn avoided eye contact with everyone, eyes set on the table in front of him.

Loki sat across from him, “So Detective Chemelinski tells me that you have some specifics about the crime you claim that guy committed. The abductor.”

The priest nodded, “He was...waging a war against God.”

Loki chuckled, looking over at Chemelinski in disbelief and shaking his head, “Great. That’s great. I thought you said he had something specific.” Loki continued to shake his head, stammering at the other detective and gesturing in disbelief in front of him with his hands.

Detective Chemelinski looked at Father Dunn, “Tell him how he took the kids.” If it wasn’t for David wanting you in the room, you would have avoided the conversation, rather having the information relayed than point-blank. This was too raw, images of Loki in the boy’s home feeling like a white hot poker in your brain.

“He said...he took them in the daylight.” You swore you were going to pass out, your hands beginning to tremble at your sides. You wished you were stronger, able to do your job without feeling like you were going to die from the constant resurfacing of horrific memories of your little girl. Broad daylight. Screaming.

Why were you doing this?

The priest continued, “Sometimes...more than one child at a time.”

Loki rolled his eyes, “He said that?” The priest nodded. “-Did he say he was with anybody? He did it alone?”

“He...he said he had a family.”

Loki sighed, “That’s it?” The priest nodded again. Loki stood from the chair, shaking his head at Detective Chemelinski, “All right.” He walked to the door, tattooed hand on the handle, glaring at the detective, “Informative.” He walked out, leaving you to briefly apologize to Chemelinski before you ran to find David.

You found him in the locker room, sitting on the bench with his head in his hands.

You approached him slowly, “Hey, you okay?” It was a stupid question, of course he wasn’t okay. Neither of you were okay.

He looked up at you with tired eyes, “Yeah, I’m fine. I just needed a minute. The candlelight vigil is tonight if you wanna go.”

“I do. It’d be nice.” He nodded along with your words, you turned around and walked out of the room to give Loki sometime to himself. Sometimes silence could be healing, yet you didn’t think all of the silence in the world could heal these wounds.

You stood in front of the microwave watching your mug of coffee spin in circles. Coffee was now the main staple of your diet. It was late at the station, you and Loki being the only few still left. The temperature had dropped outside rapidly, leaving a chill in the air. Loki was outside turning the car on so it would be heating up as you poured coffee in a thermos.

You walked outside with thermos in hand, pulling your coat tighter as the wind bit through your coat. Loki was already inside the vehicle, waiting for you. You opened the passenger door, plopping down as the thermos sat at your feet.

“You sure you wanna go to this thing?” Loki asked gingerly.

“Yeah. Do you not?”

“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to. If you’re not up for it we can go home. I don’t want you to push yourself.” Loki spoke softly as not to disturb the ambiance inside the vehicle.

“I’m okay, David. I promise. It’ll be nice, show our respect, it’s not like we have to stay long.”

David nodded as he put the car in gear, pulling out of the police station parking lot.

Loki pulled up to the vigil, outside of the Dover’s home. A group of people had already gathered, lighting candles, placing flowers, and teddy bears.

You and David leaned against the car, watching in sorrow. You saw Franklin Birch double over, sobbing as his family held him. Your heart broke at the sight, you wished nothing more than to bring his daughter back unharmed. Each passing day caused unease to spread further and further in your body, day four setting a new record of turmoil.

Time passed as people started to leave, the group diminishing slightly. Beside you, Loki put on a stocking cap and rubbed his hands together for warmth. He still refused to wear gloves. He abruptly pushed himself off the car, walking closer to the vigil, obviously taking notice of something you didn’t. You walked next to him slowly, unsure of what exactly he was doing. Then you saw it, a man crouched down with his coat hood up, stroking a teddy bear that had been placed, his gloved hand gliding over it in a manner that made you uncomfortable. He looked up, locking eyes with Loki, and then stood up stiffly, Loki’s eyes following every move. The man glanced at you and then turned away. Loki walked closer, trying to trail him as the man continued walking away. You had an inkling that he was going to run, so you turned around towards the car as Loki made his way through the crowd.

Looking over your shoulder, you saw David take off in a dead sprint. Fuck.

You opened the driver’s side door of the car and sat down, grabbing the radio from the console.

“Dispatch, this is 13-43, we have a police pursuit on foot, 13-40 is responding. ”

The radio crackled to life, “10-4 detective, we have patrol rolling your way.”

“10-4” You sat the radio down, now all you had to do was wait for Loki to either come back or for him to call you to come get him.

30 minutes later, Loki came into view, slightly limping. He walked up to the car as you got out of the driver’s seat, “You should have stretched.”

Loki shrugged past you, “Yeah, fuck off. Now get out of my spot.”

You chuckled slightly as you walked around the car and pulled the door open and sat in your designated spot. Loki grabbed for the radio with his non-dominant hand, “Dispatch, this is 13-40. Pursuit has ended, the offender fled. Put a BOLO out, description will be given by an officer.”

Loki sighed heavily as he put the radio down, hand coming up to rub his right shoulder, “What happened, David?”

“The fucker jumped on me from a tree. I’m fine.” You rolled your eyes, Loki could be mauled by a bear and thrown into the ocean and he would still say he was fine. He was even more stubborn than you.

You got home that night at 2 A.M., going to the station after the vigil for David to write up a media release on the guy that ran and to give a description. You tried to get David to let you look at his shoulder but he refused, claiming he was fine, even when moving it he winced slightly.

That night you slept restlessly, dreams of hospitals and antiseptic haunting you. Making you question everything.

tag list: @lexie-wayland @whew-oh-em-gee @winterlavenderskysworld @buck-this-nasty @heeyirenee @pinkpunkdynamite

#detective loki #detective loki imagine #detective loki x reader #detective loki fanfic #detective loki fanfiction #jake gyllenhaal #jake gyllenhaal imagine #jake gyllenhaal x reader #prisoners #prisoners 2013 #fanfiction #poison and wine #hugh jackman #keller dover #jake gyllenhaal fanfic

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haddonfieldproject · 3 years ago

Text

<<PREVIOUS⏺<<CONTENTS>>

1.3.13 SATURDAY NOVEMBER 1st 1:29 PM

Warren County, Illinois

Reverend Taylor snapped off his goggles and threw them down on his work table. He then put down his welding torch beside the goggles and inspected what he had done. Nodding approvingly, he picked the remote control up from the table. An old fashioned box shaped television sat on top of a behomith blue toolbox across the workshop. The Good Reverend, hit the VOLUME UP button and the room was filled with the voice of James Christian, the high profile reporter from Vision World News:

“You are looking live now outside of Haddonfield County General Hospital as we await Governor Kathleen Joyce of Illinois to come to the stage for an official briefing on the crisis situation going on in her state. As soon as she takes the podium we will cut in so we can listen together to what she has to say...”

Reverend Taylor held up his handi-work. Forging the symbol had not been difficult. He had decided that the pair of stainless steel chopsticks that his father had given him as a house-warming gift all those years ago to be the best instrument for the job. Stainless steel chopsticks had been quite the “far out” and novel thing to have in 1973, but he had maybe used them once in all those years. He was a meat and potatoes kind of man, rarely branching out from American cuisine, and when he did, he used a knife and fork like any normal red, white, and blue male. In Rev's mind, these pieces of retro utensil novelty had finally found a reason for existence in his house.

We all have our purpose, he had thought.

His welding torch was strickly that: a welding torch—-the small compact kind that he had bought at Hagan's Hardware Store fifteen years ago. What it was not, was a cutting torch, so heating one of the chopsticks to the point of severing the piece in two had been tedious, but it had been done.

Rev took one half of the now severed piece and flattened one end so it nearly matched the other, as neatly as he could. Then he took the other piece, and heated the center just enough to bend it into a right angle, forming two sides of a triangle. This piece, he then welded to the other, completing the triangle, but leaving about an inch of stick at the top and an inch of stick at the bottom. Like a straight vertical line merged with an arrow pointing to the right. Like this:

He then took the other chopstick and welded one end of this to the center of the long and straight piece to create a handle. This he held now as he padded across to the corner of his workshop and to the potbelly stove which stood there. The stove had belonged to his great grandmother when she had lived in a one-room shamble shack off Harris Road... what was then called Crow Coal Bluff.

Ina Shirlene Taylor sold the house, and her land on the “bluff” to Morgan Strode in 1906, who removed the escarpment from the landscape, scooped all the coal out underneath of it, paved Harris Road, turning it into a “street”, and by 1928, selling all of the land for retail development. The sight of the old Taylor shack was now the sight of a Crazy Chan's Chinese restaurant. The stove was the only relic from that old place, and now it most of the time gathered dust in Revered Taylor's basement workshop.

Rev opened the little door on the stove and stuck his masterpiece into the hot coals, leaving the handle sticking out of the hatch. He then turned toward the television. The Governor was taking the podium. Her expression, which generally always gave the impression of a lack of concern for the welfare of other people was enhanced by the severely short spikes adorning her head.

Reverend Taylor scoffed when he saw her, “But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering, sayeth God in Paul's testimony to the people of Corinth, chapter eleven, verse fifteen”, he thought to himself, pulling his little office chair from his work table toward the center of the room, and grabbing a seat in front of the television.

“Good afternoon.” The Governor began, “Beginning at midnight on Friday morning and ending at roughly eight o'clock this morning, an unfortunate and terrible series of events combined together to create a tragic state of emergency for our friends and loved ones in North-Central Illinois.”

The Reverend smiled to himself. The Lord hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil, sayeth Solomon's proverb, he thought.

Governor Joyce continued, “At 12 am on Friday October 31st, an extremely disturbed and dangerous patient by the name of Michael Myers escaped Smith's Grove Psychiatric Hospital during a routine patient transfer. We strongly believe at this time that he may be responsible for several deaths and injuries to persons both in Smiths Grove and Haddonfield. At this time, out of respect for the victims and for the integrity of our investigation we cannot give you the names of any of the victims or even an accurate count of the casualties.”

The Reverend stood up and walked to his work table, grabbing the gray oven mitt he had brought down from upstairs. The prophet Isaiah sayeth, 'I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.'

Rev put on the mitt and walked across the room toward the potbelly stove, listening to the Governor's speech: “In addition, approximatley twenty-four hours after Myers' escape, the brothers' Lloyd and Lee Chumway, two armed and dangerous and wanted individuals out of Biloxi Mississippi entered Warren County and were also responsible for several deaths in the area. Again we cannot turn over any names or any numbers at this time.”

Swinging open the door, Rev pulled what he had fashioned from the stove. The design on the end of the handle burned red hot. He looked at it with a smile and then he looked across the room. His basement was a long rectangular room with the stairs on one end, and the only window on the other. His work bench ran along one of the longer concrete-block walls. On the shortest wall, opposite the wall with the steps leading up into the rest of the house, was where the pot belly stove was, along with the furnace to the house and the large tank of the water heater. On the other long wall, opposite hit massive work table, stood his gun cabinet, his large blue tool chest that held up the television, and a long wooden table.

This table was mostly kept clear, and most often than not was for drying things that Reverend Taylor had freshly painted. The other table was littered with tools, pieces of wood, rolls of tape, markers, papers, and the like. On the wall before it was a peg board, with numerous pegs, on which were mounted various other tools and work utensils. The wall behind the opposite table was clear, like the table most often was, only now, the table was not clear.

The Shape lay upon the table.

Reverend Taylor had fastened a thick metal chain around the hulking body of the man, wrapping it several times around his chest and thighs, threading it through the bottom of the thick oak table, and locking it with a large padlock. The Shape lay on his back, with his blackened face to the ceiling, his feet slack to either side, and his arms by his side. He had not moved or made a sound since Rev had knocked him with the stock of his shotgun. The Shape's left arm lay palm down on the table, the blackened sleeve of whatever remained of his garment was down to his wrist. Reverend Taylor had turned The Shape's right arm however so that the palm was facing up. He had peeled back the sleeve—peel being a good word for it considering that large chunks of the man's burnt flesh had come with the sleeve, giving off a pungent sickly odor in the process. The underside of The Shape's forearm sat bare in the harsh flat glow of the basement's florescent lights.

The Reverend came toward The Shape now, holding his glowing brand before him.

“The mercy of the Lord is liken to a rose, but His vengance is liken to the thorn.” He spoke aloud, and then pressed the red-hot symbol down into the flesh of the forearm.

The Shape's head snapped back and forth, the feet began to move as well. There was a hiss as the steel cooked off a layer of skin, followed by a whiff of the odor of burning flesh. The Shape snapped up his right arm in a flash, knocking Reverend Taylor back. He stumbled against his office chair and crashed into the opposite table. A roll of masking tape and a red Solo cup filled with screws crashed to the floor, along with the brand, which hit the smooth concrete with a large TING!

Reverend Taylor watched, not wanting to move, not wanting to breathe even as The Shape bucked and thrashed in his chains for a few seconds, and then abruptly fell silent and still. The Rev gathered up the misplaced items off the floor and then took a seat in the chair with a long exhale.

It is finished, he thought with a smile. He turned toward the television. The Governor had been replaced at the podium by a face he knew well. Fred Colbourne, Deputy Fire Chief of Warren County. A member of the press in the crowd in front of the podium had raised her hand, Fred pointed to her.

“You say at this time you believe the fire was accidental, do we know how this fire started, how you came to that conclusion?” The woman asked.

Fred responded, “The fire originated from a supply closet near the front of the building. The closet had various flammable tanks inside and we believe that something caused ignition here and led to the explosion. We have not found any inciderary devices such as a bomb or a fuse or what-have-you that would lead us to suspect foul play, that being said, the cause of ignition itself still remains a mystery.”

Reverend Taylor smiled. The Lord works in mysterious ways, he thought.

NEXT>>

#halloween #halloween franchise #michael myers #horror #haddonfield #horror writing #horror film #fan fiction #fan writing #spooky

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turtle-ier · 4 years ago

Text

Hey, want some fanfics? (Part 2!)

So, I've written about 150,000 words of Dream Team fan-fiction over the past five months and bit, and while I’ve done a post like this before, I figured I'd post about it here again in case you Tumblr folk wanted to check it out.

Dream Team AUs

A collection of all my pieces so far - in one neat place! All of them are rated G, T or M, but there is more info about all of them all below the cut.

Leaps and Bounds

“Dream, ever the reckless one in their trio, gets lost in a thunderstorm, and while Sapnap can't find him, he finds a cute little frog instead. And, yeah, even George has to admit that the frog is pretty cute.”

A Princess and the Frog AU

Rating: T

Word count: 3226

Ships: Dream/George

Sea-Shaken

“When Sapnap was a kid he used to pretend that nothing scared him, but now he had to admit that something did. It was a rather unfortunate coincidence that the thing he feared was filled with a mystery so tempting, that it was enough to bring him back to it again and again.”

The Little Mermaid AU

Rating: T

Word count: 12,686

Ships: George/Sapnap

Bring Back Pluto

“In a dead-end town Dream works a dead-end job, with friends who do nothing and much more than him at once. Still reeling from the end of a long relationship, he feels like the rest of his life will be the same forever. Only when someone new comes through his work place and they get talking does he realise that maybe, just maybe, there's something else out there for him too.”

Teenagers AU

Rating: T

Word count: 14,085

Ships: Dream/Sapnap, implied Technoblade/Dream, implied Dream/George

Two Worlds

“George appeared in a new world alone, and in one like one he had never seen before. For one it was an autumnal forest, one getting colder and darker by the day in the decline into winter. Survival wasn't easy at the best of times, but what struck him as strange wasn't the setting, it was the stranger who developed a habit of following him.”

Dark Fantasy AU

Rating: T

Word count: 21,273

Ships: Dream/George

Warnings: Horror elements, minor character death, blood

(This is part one in a three part series! you can find the rest of the series here: Something Else is Out There)

Paint me like your French Girls (Its Charcoal, Actually)

“George goes to work, he does his job, and on Thursdays he spends his evening doing something he's passionate about, other than reading through Excel worksheets. Then one Thursday in October, a handsome stranger comes through his workplace. It's an unfortunate coincidence that he sees the stranger naked before they know his name.”

Artist/model AU

Rating: T

Word count: 3,650

Ships: Dream/George

Untouchable

“Detention was probably the only time Dream and Sapnap could be in a room together and not start a fight. The teacher apparently didn't know this and left them to their own devices. What followed was the strangest conversation either of them had for a long time.”

Teenagers AU

Rating: T

Word count:2,374

Ships: Dream/Sapnap

A Devil by Any Other Name

“Sapnap's at a halloween party, and the dude in the musketeer costume will NOT stop starring.”

Halloween party AU

Rating: T

Word count: 1,136

Ships: George/Sapnap

Two-Thousand Miles

“October had been kind to them. Moving in meant a new beginning for the three of them and it was a welcome change from stepping on their parents toes, waking up their flatmates all the time, and from living alone. They both envied Dream a little for that last reason, but he insisted that it was awful for someone who was as social as himself. But now it was December. On the 31st of October the UK had been told about the full-scale lockdown coming into effect, and then the warnings came of it potentially continuing over Christmas. And then the heating broke.”

Roomates/Christmas AU

Rating: G

Word count: 3,083

Ships: Dream/George/Sapnap

Rosewater

“With coffee, libraries and awkward conversations, Sapnap's life at university changes as soon as someone says the simple words; "He's into you, you know." Now if only he knew what to do with the information.”

Coffee shop/University AU

Rating: M

Word count: 5,132

Ships: Sapnap/George

A secret best shared

“"Want to know a secret?" Dream asked.”

Minecraft AU

Rating: G

Word count: 396

Ships: Dream/George

#dream team #georgewastaken #dreamnotnap #dreamnotfound #dreamnap #georgenap #mcyt #fanfiction #gream #fanfic

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theotherackerman · 4 years ago

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Carry on My Wayward Son

Summary:

Grisha Jaeger disappears leaving his sons, Zeke and Eren, to pick up where he left off in the family business: hunting things, saving people. They soon learn not everything is as simple as they think. The world isn't as black and white as their father led them to believe. There are things more complex than just humans and monsters. Includes: monsters, classic cars, classic rock, and two brothers against the world.

an Eremika romance, very loosely based on the tv show Supernatural.

RATING: MATURE

Ships: Eren x Mikasa

Other Tags: References to Supernatural (TV), demifae, references to a court of thorns and rose, references to throne of glass, i didn't want to deal with angels so i used fairies instead, F/M, Graphic Depictions Of Violence

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong either to Supernatural, Throne of Glass, A Court of Thorns and Roses, or Attack on Titan.

CHAPTER ONE: PILOT

Lawrence, Kansas

22 years ago

Grisha Jaeger was enjoying a peaceful night at home. His second wife slept soundly upstairs. He looked over at the picture of his first wife on the wall.

Dina had died four years ago of cancer.

It had been hard for Grisha. He had to deal with the loss of his wife along with raising his son by himself. Being a single parent wasn’t easy.

But then Carla came into his life.

Carla had treated Zeke like he was her own. She absolutely loved the boy.

Now they had a son of their own.

Grisha drifted off to sleep as the tv played.

What felt like a few moments later, a scream came from upstairs, waking Grisha. He made his way towards the direction he had heard the scream. The nursey, Eren's room. He leaned over Eren’s crib, where the baby boy was crying.

“You’re okay. Where’s your mom?” Grisha asked.

A drop of blood landed on his arm.

He looked up to see Carla pinned to the ceiling.

“Carla?” he asked, confused by what was happening.

Fire sprung from Carla’s chest, filling the room.

“CARLA!” Grisha yelled before scooping up Eren from the crib.

“Daddy, what’s wrong?” Zeke asked as he came into the baby’s room.

Grisha handed him Eren.

“Take your brother outside as fast as you can and don’t look back! Go! Now, Zeke! Listen to me!” Grisha yelled.

He wasn’t giving up on Carla.

He would save her somehow.

But in the end, he didn’t.

Grisha didn’t know but the events of that night had long been put into place.

A moment frozen in time, the beginning of something much bigger than he could possibly understand.

Grisha sat in the driver's seat of his car, Zeke in the passenger with Eren in his arms. They watched as the firemen tried to put out the fire.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stanford University

Present Day-October 31st, Sunday

A picture of Carla and Grisha sat in the living room of Eren Jaeger’s small apartment that he shared with his current girlfriend Mikasa Ackerman.

“So you’re not going to call your dad and tell him how you scored on the MCAT?” she asked as she pulled on her nurse’s costume.

“No, he won’t care,” Eren asked as he shook his head at her. “Why are you wearing that?”

“It’s Halloween! Who are you going as?”

“A psychopath, they look like everyone else,” he scoffed as he crossed his arms across his chest. “Besides, you know I hate Halloween.”

“You never told me why. I guess that’s a part of the Eren Jaeger mystery. You know if this is ever going anywhere, you’re going to have to open up.”

"After my interview Friday, I'll tell you everything. I promise," he said as he ran a hand through her long brunette hair.

"Why don't I believe that?" She asked him.

"Let's skip the party. Stay in tonight."

"Eren, come on. Floch will be waiting for us. You know how he gets."

Eren sighed as he pulled on his jacket. "Fine," he muttered as he walked towards the door.

She slipped her hand into his. "Just a few drinks and then I promise, you can take this costume off with your teeth."

"I'll be holding you to that. You know...have you ever thought of being a nurse because of this costume.."

Mikasa gave Eren a playful shove.

"SHOTS! SHOTS!" Floch screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Why did I let you talk me into this?" Eren muttered.

"Because you got a 522 on the MCAT! There's no way Stanford's Medical School is not going to take you," Mikasa said as she leaned into Eren's embrace. "Your interview Friday is just a formality. We both know that."

"You can't be sure of that," Eren said as he rolled his eyes.

"So I'm gonna go home with Hitch. You two...nice costume Mikasa...go play doctor," a drunk Floch remarked.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Eren said before he patted Floch on the back.

"He is going to pass out as soon as he gets in her apartment," Mikasa replied.

"Probably."

"Let's go home, Halloween hater," Mikasa smiled as she took his hand into hers again.

It was around midnight when Eren got out of the shower. He walked into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of sweatpants pants.

Mikasa was sound asleep in bed.

Eren didn’t know how he had gotten so lucky with her. He worried about telling her the truth. My family fights demons, werewolves, and the forces of darkness didn’t have a good ring to it. She’d think he was crazy or worse.

He heard a noise coming from the kitchen.

Eren ready himself for whatever was in the kitchen. He took quiet steps. Damn, he hoped it wasn’t a ghost. He hated dealing with them.

No, whatever this was had a corporeal form.

Eren attacked and made every hit. The problem was the thing hit back.

What could it possibly be?

Vampire?

Maybe it was just a break in.

Either way, it wasn’t leaving alive.

Eren tackled it to the ground, one hand holding both of the man’s wrists about his head while the other went for the throat.

“Whoa, easy there, tiger,” Zeke’s voice cut through.

“Zeke? What the fuck? I almost killed you!” he said as he released Zeke’s hands and throats.

“I let you win.”

The lights turned on to reveal Zeke.

“Everything okay?” Mikasa asked as she stepped into the kitchen, wearing a tight fitting shirt that had the logo for the anime Sailor Moon and very short black shorts.

“Mikasa, this is Zeke. Zeke, this is my girlfriend Mikasa.”

“Mikasa, hey. Has anyone ever told you that you’re out of my brother’s league? Because you are. I,on the other hand….”

“Alright, asshole. Knock it off,” Eren said before shoving Zeke.

“I’ll go put some clothes on,” Mikasa said as she started to leave the room.

“No, don’t. You should stay this way. Sailor Moon is a classic, right, Eren?”

“Ignore him, I do,” Eren said before making his way over to Mikasa and wrapping his arm around her.

“Anyway, I need to borrow your boyfriend for a moment. Very private family stuff, you know? I’m sure you understand,” Zeke said.

“No, anything you have to say to her, you can say to me,” Eren stated.

“Okay. Well, Dad hasn’t been home in a few days,” Zeke explained.

“So what? He’s probably getting drunk on Jim, Jack, and Jose. He’ll stumble in drunk like he always does.”

“Dad's on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days.”

“Mikasa, can you excuse us?” Eren said before taking his brother by the arm and dragging him outside. “Why are you here? I told you I was done hunting.”

“Because I have no one else to go to. Are you coming with me or not?”

“I’m not coming with you. I swore I wasn’t hunting anymore and I meant it. Do you not think about the way we grew up? When I was a kid, I told Dad was afraid of the dark and what did he do? He gave a nine year old a shotgun!”

“What was he supposed to do?” Zeke asked as he crossed his arms across his chest. “Tell you not to be afraid? We know what’s out there in the dark!”

“That’s exactly what he was supposed to do! The way we grew up...after Mom died...Dad’s obsession with the thing that killed her. It’s not normal. None of this is normal!” Eren exclaimed before running his hand through his hair. “And we can’t find it! So we kill everything we can find instead.”

“And we save people!” Zeke argued.

“Okay but do you think Mom would want this?”

“I don’t know because I got to lose my mom twice.”

Eren looked down.

He knew losing his mother had been hard but Zeke had to go through it twice.

“What are you going to do? Live some apple pie life?” Zeke asked before crossing his arms across his chest.

“Yeah, a safe life.”

“Dad’s in trouble. I can feel it. I can’t do this alone,” Zeke pleaded.

“Yeah, you can.”

“Well, how about I don’t want to?”

Eren sighed, “what was he hunting?”

Zeke walked over to the black 1967 Chevy Impala and popped the trunk. He then opened the spot where the spare tire was supposed to be. Inside was a variety of weapons. Swords, guns, syringes, machetes, a toolbox, rock salt, knives, bows, and arrows were just among a few of the things that one could see when the trunk was open.

“Let’s see..” Zeke said as he dug around.

“Wait, why weren’t you with Dad?” Eren asked as he peered over into the trunk.

“Because I had my own hunt,” Zeke answered, still digging around.

“By yourself?”

“I’m twenty-six!” Zeke exclaimed. “Oh! There it is!” He pulled out a file folder and papers. “So going back twenty years, Dad found this pattern. Men driving this strip of the highway, keep going missing.”

“Okay, so?”

“And this I get this voicemail,” Zeke said as he pulled his phone out and put it on speaker. Grisha’s voice played.

“ Zeke...something big is starting to happen...I need to try and figure out what's going on. It may... Be very careful, Zeke. We're all in danger .”

“EVP is on that,” Eren pointed out.

“Kind of like riding a bike, right?”

Eren rolled his eyes. “So what does it say?”

“It’s a woman saying can never go home.”

“Never go home?”

“Yeah. Look, in three years, I’ve never bothered you. Never asked you for anything. But Eren, I need you for this.”

Eren threw his arms before sighing. “Fine. I have to be back by Friday though,”

“Why Friday?” Zeke asked before he closed the trunk.

“Job interview.”

“For what?” Zeke asked before they headed back into Eren’s apartment.

“Medical school,” Eren stated.

“Medical school?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, fine. I’ll bring you back in time for your interview.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mikasa hadn’t been thrilled about Eren leaving. No matter how many times he reassured her. He promised that he would explain everything after the interview. So Eren and Zeke went on their hunt. Their father was nowhere to be seen. They did, however, save people from a woman in white and find their father’s journal.

All that was left was to return Eren home.

Eren saw how Zeke wanted him to return to hunting.

But Eren couldn’t.

Eren wanted a safe, normal life. He had already been shopping for a ring for Mikasa. He knew he wanted to make her his wife. But first, he had to tell her everything which he would right after his interview. Hopefully she still wanted to be with him after that.

They returned to Eren’s apartment on Thursday.

Eren had just got inside. He laid down on his bed and suddenly, there was a drop of blood from the ceiling.

Eren Jaeger saw his dad for the first time in three years. Eren reached for him but it was too late.

Then the fire was everywhere. It was inescapable.

Then Eren saw something.

A demon with Yellow Eyes was right there.

“NO!” Eren screamed as he got out of bed.

Another demon with black eyes appeared, he grabbed a hold of Eren, burning his flesh. The fight with the black eyed demon began.

Just then Mikasa rushed into the apartment, ready to take on whatever.

Eren couldn’t lose her. He prepared himself.

“Mikasa! Get out of here!” he yelled as he continued to wrestle with the black eyed demon.

But what Eren hadn't prepared himself for was the green glow of Mikasa's eyes or the black feathered wings that sprouted from her back.

"I thought your kind was all dead," the Yellow Eyed demon teased.

"No."

"What host do you have? What is your real name?"

"I don’t need a host. This body is mine."

"You fell. Wait much longer and your eyes will be black."

“Didn’t fall either. I'm not an angel,” Mikasa replied.

Zeke rushed into the apartment.

“We need to get out of here!” Zeke yelled as the fire raged. The fire was beginning to surround them .

“Well, my time is up. See you around, boys,” The Yellow Eyed demon said before disappearing.

Mikasa pulled out a knife from seemingly nowhere that neither Eren or Zeke had seen before.

She plunged it into the black eyed demon's chest. He let go of Eren, throwing Eren to the floor before the demon burst into flames.

"We should get out of here," Mikasa said. Her wings went back into her body, leaving two slits in the back of her shirt.

“Great, any idea how? We’re kind of surrounded,” Zeke pointed out the fire all around them.

Mikasa closed her eyes. The fire began to part.

“Go!” Mikasa yelled.

Eren was frozen until Zeke dragged him out. Mikasa followed them out.

Eren didn’t understand what was happening.

What was Mikasa?

“Eren, you got burnt,” Zeke pointed out.

There were singe marks on his arm where the demon had been holding him. He hadn’t even felt it. Mikasa reached out. Her eyes glowed again. Eren’s arm was healed. Not only that, it was as if the burn had never occurred.

Then Mikasa collapsed to the ground.

Zeke picked Mikasa up and put her in the backseat of the car. He walked around to the trunk and pulled out a pair of special handcuffs. There were devil traps engraved in both of them.

“Just in case,” Zeke said as he attached them to each of Mikasa’s arms. “Come on, let’s take her to Levi’s. If we drive through the night and into tomorrow, we’ll make it to Levi’s before you know it.”

Twenty five hours later, they arrived at Levi’s house in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Mikasa hadn’t even stirred the whole time that they had been driving.

Eren didn’t speak hardly at all. Zeke had let him take over the driving while he slept but even then, Eren hadn’t said much.

Levi was like a second father to Zeke and Eren. When Grisha had days he spent drunk, Levi had taken care of the two of them. Levi was a hunter just like them. He had lost someone he loved too. That was the way most people entered life. Something awful happened to someone they loved.

Zeke had carried Mikasa into Levi’s house. She stirred in Zeke’s arms.

“Oh. Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Zeke said before he put her down on the couch.

“This her?” Levi asked. Zeke had sent a text to Levi explaining everything to him.

“This is her,” Eren replied as he crossed his arms across his chest.

“Alright, let’s see what you are,” Levi said before splashing holy water in Mikasa’s face.

She didn’t even move.

“So she’s not a demon,” Levi replied. He pulled out a silver knife from his pocket and cut Mikasa’s arm. “Not a Revenant or a shapeshifter either.”

Mikasa’s cut began to heal.

“Oh, that’s interesting,” Levi noted.

“So you’re not human?” Zeke asked.

“No, I’m not,” Mikasa said before she looked down.

"What are you?" Zeke asked.

"A demi fae," Mikasa explained.

"What the fuck is that? I've never even heard of this. Levi, have you heard of this?" Eren asked.

"It means she's half fairy, half human. A cousin of mine was said to have had a baby with a fairy. They both were killed and the baby went missing. I just thought they were crazy and wanted out of the family business. That's you, isn't it?"

Mikasa didn't answer.

"Interesting. I didn't think it was real. What’s your name?" Levi asked before he sat down at his desk.

“Mikasa Ackerman was my name. I’ve been going by Mikasa Zoe.”

"You lied to me!" Eren shouted at Mikasa.

"I had to! People were looking for me! I didn't know you were a hunter. I just wanted to be normal for a bit," Mikasa muttered before looking down.

"So how do we kill her?" Eren asked.

Mikasa was hurt.

"We're not going to kill her, Eren. She saved both of our lives. Besides, she doesn't even seem evil," Zeke tried to reason with his brother.

"She lied to me for three years. She’s not human. That makes her a monster! Isn’t that what Dad taught us? Didn’t you want me back in this life? So here I am. She’s just another job. Another monster, right?” Eren asked.

"I didn't know you were a hunter like me! I didn't know you had a yellow eyed demon after you! I just wanted to be normal! I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for wings or my parents to be killed by demons. I didn't ask for anything. You don’t understand what I risked by using my power like that! It sent up a beacon! I was going to tell you when the time was right. I was going to tell you after your interview."

"So that’s what you were disappearing to do all the time? Hunting? Whatever. You got on me for not telling you about my past. I guess we're both even now. Thanks for saving my dad by the way," Eren stormed off and slammed the door as he left Levi's house.

Zeke and Levi both looked over at her. Zeke walked over as he pulled a key out of his pocket. He unlocked the handcuffs as he took them off of her.

"Now what?" she asked as she stood up.

"What was that knife you killed the demon with?" Zeke asked her.

Mikasa waved her hand and the knife appeared.

"It's a demon killing knife. I took it off a witch who was working for a demon. It's charmed to show up when I call for it," she informed Zeke before handing the blade over to him.

"I'm guessing it kills you too?" Levi asked.

Mikasa shrugged. "I don't know. Haven't tried it."

"Could I wield one of these?" Zeke asked as he examined it.

Mikasa nodded again.

"You don't happen to have a spare?"

Mikasa shook her head. Zeke handed the blade over to Levi.

"Can we summon it?" Levi asked.

Mikasa shook her head again.

"Did you become mute all of sudden?" Levi asked as he tossed the knife up and down.

She shook her again before speaking. "No, I just...I'm not sure what you're going to do. And if I die, I'd rather die with dignity."

"We're not going to kill you. You're clearly not evil. Can I see your wings?" Levi asked as he handed the knife back.

Mikasa took it before waving her hand again. The blade disappeared. She closed her eyes and two black feathered wings popped out of Mikasa's back.

"Can you fly?" Levi asked.

"Not in the way you think. I can fly short distances. Anything else requires teleportation that only fairies can use. Flying also makes me sick because of being half human,” Mikasa explained.

"What good are wings if not for flying?" Zeke asked.

"It's a curse for those who are half human. A reminder that we should not be."

"Interesting," Zeke remarked.

"If you have no more questions, I should leave," Mikasa said as she stood up.

"Why? It's not going to be safe out there. You did just say you put a beacon on yourself. Besides, these two could use a healer on their side. You said you're a hunter too? Just not in the traditional sense? Well, my house is open to hunters. So sit your ass down on the couch over there. Eren will get over it," Levi told her as he motioned to the couch again.

Mikasa allowed her wing to fold back up before she sat down.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t save your dad,” Mikasa said to Zeke. “It was too late by the time I got there.”

“It’s not your fault. We knew that was a possibility. My stepmom, Eren’s mom, died the same way. Did he feel any pain?” Zeke asked her before he sat down in one of the mix matched chairs in Levi’s living room.

Mikasa shook her head. “He was dead before he was on the ceiling.”

“That’s why you said it was too late. What do you know about yellow eyes in a demon?” Levi asked as he pulled out a notebook from his desk.

“Not much. I know they exist. There are four of them. If you’re going after them,” Mikasa stopped speaking and waved her hand. The knife appeared again. “You’ll need this. You’d have better luck though if you can find The Colt. Good luck though.”

“What’s the Colt?” Zeke asked as he took the knife from Mikasa.

“A legend. It’s said that Samuel Colt created a gun that has thirteen original bullets that can kill anything. It’s not real. There’s no proof of it. Besides, who knows how many bullets are around?” Levi said as he wrote something down in the notebook.

“It’s real. And you can make more bullets. You just have to know how,” Mikasa explained.

“And you do?” Zeke asked.

Mikasa shook her head. “No, but the person who raised me does. They’re a hunter too.”

“Wait, you said you used the last name Zoe. Is Hange Zoe the one who raised you?” Levi asked as he dropped his pen.

Mikasa nodded.

“Zeke, go get your brother calmed down. She’s not evil at all,” Levi said before he stood up.

“Wait, you still thought I was evil?” Mikasa said as she watched Levi.

“Always a chance,” Levi replied as he exited the room.

“To be fair, I didn’t think you were evil,” Zeke said as he flashed her a smile. “My brother’s a dumbass but he’ll come around.”

Mikasa nodded but she had a sinking feeling that Eren wouldn’t come around.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eren laid in the back of the Impala.

Mikasa wasn’t human.

That made her a monster.

It was that simple.

His father had even said it was that simple.

Then there was the whole thing about fairies being real. Just what he needed. Why couldn’t things be simple?

He hated to think he had been spending the last three years of his life with a monster.

But the way that Mikasa had looked at him.

The fear that she had had in her eyes when she looked at him was something that would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life.

Eren wasn’t allowing himself to feel the pain from Grisha’s death.

He had finally seen his dad.

Three years later and the last thing Grisha had said to him was ‘don’t come back’. Eren had hoped that he would have found him with Zeke. Then maybe Grisha’s last words wouldn’t have haunted him.

“She’s pretty upset, just so you know,” Zeke said as he pulled out a cigarette while leaning up against the Impala. He lit one as he looked at Eren, still laying in the backseat.

“Good,” Eren said before looking away.

“Eren, you know Dad did really lov..”

“Can we not? I don’t want to hear the ‘Dad always loved you’ speech right now. The last words he’ll ever say to me were ‘don’t come back’. Then I see him on the ceiling of my apartment and find out that my girlfriend is part fairy. So spare me,” Eren said before he sat up.

Zeke took a drag from his cigarette. “And how would you have reacted if you would have known about Mikasa? Probably the same.”

“How are you so fine with all of this?” Eren asked as he threw his hands up in the air.

“Because at nine years old I saw the woman who raised me like I was her own on the ceiling of my little brother’s bedroom. I saw her, Eren. It’s implanted in my brain. It’ll never leave. Sometimes at night, I’ll look up and I still see her there. So trust me when I say I get what you’re feeling with Dad. Because I miss Mom too. Because I feel it too. But you’re right. Dad was awful to both of us. He raised us to be mirror images of himself of the hatred he felt. But we don’t have to do that,” Zeke said before taking another drag of his cigarette.

“What do we do now?” Eren asked as he got out of the Impala.

“Well, I think we go do what Dad taught us to do. We track down that Yellow Eyed Demon and we kill him. In the meantime, we take down any monster we can find. Hunting things, saving people. We take over the family business,” Zeke said as he walked around to the trunk. He opened the trunk and then the spare tire area. He pulled out their father’s journal before handing it over to Eren.

“We’ve got work to do,” Eren replied before pulling down the lid to the trunk.

#comwws

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twoidiotwriters1 · 4 years ago

Text

Written In The Stars CXI (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

Words: 4,734

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Chapter Nine: More Bad News.

Mel had to stay in her bedroom because of the dreadful headache she was suffering.

The back of her hand was burning, and she could see the skin actually starting to get a mark.

She wanted to see Ron's try out but she didn't want to fall unconscious in front of everyone. The girl rolled over on her bed, holding her hand and trying to ground herself, but her mind was fixed on Harry and his awful temper. It was true that he didn't deserve the punishment, but she didn't deserve to feel it either!

She went back to the common room, her head feeling heavy. Ron immediately walked up to her and handed her a butterbeer, he was beaming.

"I got in!" Ron did something he'd never done before and hugged her. "I'm on the team!"

"Blimey, Ronnie!" She grinned. "A Prefect and Gryffindor's keeper? You'll be getting dates in no time!"

"Lady!" Fred spoke up. "You knew about this?"

"I helped him train!" She said. "He's good isn't he?"

"He's all right," George shrugged.

"Let's hope his massive nose doesn't get it the way..." Fred smirked.

"Oh, shut up," Mel rolled her eyes.

"Come and make me," He taunted.

Luckily for her, Harry walked in right at that moment, and Ron dragged her with him to meet the boy.

"Harry, I did it, I'm in, I'm Keeper!"

"What? Oh — brilliant!"

"Have a butterbeer. I can't believe it — where's Hermione gone?"

"She's there," said Fred.

Hermione was sleeping soundly on one of the chairs.

"Well, she said she was pleased when I told her..." said Ron.

"Let her sleep..." said George, and in no time a bunch of first years surrounded him and his twin.

"Come here, Ron, and see if Oliver's old robes fit you," said Katie Bell. "We can take off his name and put yours on instead..."

Angelina walked up to Harry and her.

"Sorry I was a bit short with you earlier, Potter. It's stressful, this managing lark, you know, I'm starting to think I was a bit hard on Wood sometimes... Look, I know he's your best mate, but he's not fabulous," She made a vague movement towards Ron. "I think with a bit of training he'll be all right, though. He comes from a family of good Quidditch players. I'm banking on him turning out to have a bit more talent than he showed today, to be honest. Vicky Frobisher and Geoffrey Hooper both flew better this evening, but Hooper's a real whiner, he's always moaning about something or other, and Vicky's involved in all sorts of societies, she admitted herself that if training clashed with her Charm Club she'd put Charms first. Anyway, we're having a practice session at two o'clock tomorrow, so just make sure you're there this time. And do me a favour and help Ron as much as you can, okay?"

Harry nodded and then he turned, his gaze fixed on her.

"You're... you're bleeding."

"Huh?" Mel frowned.

Harry reached for her hand and Mel stepped back.

"I'm fine," She grumbled, walking to where Hermione was sleeping.

"It's happening again, isn't it?" Harry insisted.

"It never stopped," Mel scoffed. "Turning your back on me did nothing."

"You... you were supposed to be safe..."

She looked at him, his voice came out so utterly defeated that she had to take a moment to answer.

"You really thought it'd work?" Mel asked, this time softer. "What am I supposed to say? That I'm sorry? 'Hey, at least you tried!'– I told you..." Her shoulders fell, she had no energy to be angry. "Harry, I told you... What d'you want me to say?"

He stared at her, speechless and disappointed.

"Oh, guys, it's you..." Hermione stirred up in her place. "Good about Ron, isn't it?"

"Yeah..." She responded without breaking eye contact with Harry. "Yeah... I'm really happy for him."

"I'm just so — so — so tired. I was up until one o'clock making more hats. They're disappearing like mad!"

"You and those hats," Mel sighed, finally looking down at her friend.

"Listen," The boy sat in front of them. "Dumbledore said we should stick together, right? All right– I'll tell you what happened– I was just up in Umbridge's office and she touched my arm– and it... it stung! It reminded me of... you know..."

Hermione started slowly.

"You're worried that You-Know-Who's controlling her like he controlled Quirrell?"

"Well, it's a possibility, isn't it?"

"I mean... the Order believes it's very likely Voldemort has a few spies there..." Mel admitted.

"I suppose so," said Hermione. "But I don't think he can be possessing her the way he possessed Quirrell, I mean, he's properly alive again now, isn't he, he's got his own body, he wouldn't need to share someone else's. He could have her under the Imperius Curse, I suppose... But last year your scar hurt when nobody was touching you and didn't Dumbledore say it had to do with what You-Know-Who was feeling at the time? I mean, maybe this hasn't got anything to do with Umbridge at all, maybe it's just coincidence it happened while you were with her?"

"She's evil," said Harry glancing at Mel's hand. "Twisted."

"She's horrible, yes, but... Harry, I think you ought to tell Dumbledore your scar hurt."

"I'm not bothering him with this. Like you just said, it's not a big deal. It's been hurting on and off all summer — it was just a bit worse tonight, that's all —"

"Harry, I'm sure Dumbledore would want to be bothered by this —"

"Yeah, that's the only bit of me Dumbledore cares about, isn't it, my scar?"

"Don't say that, it's not true!"

"Mel, do you think he'll care?" He asked her, and in his voice, she could tell he was asking for real advice.

"I reckon he'll say it's normal now that Voldemort's alive," She sighed after a bit of pondering. "Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, though. As I said, he asked me to help you."

"I think I'll write and tell Sirius about it, see what he thinks —"

"Harry, you can't put something like that in a letter! Don't you remember, Moody told us to be careful what we put in writing! We just can't guarantee owls aren't being intercepted anymore!"

"All right, all right, I won't tell him, then!" said Harry getting up. "I'm going to bed. Tell Ron for me, will you?"

"Oh no! if you're going that means I can go without being rude too, I'm absolutely exhausted and I want to make some more hats tomorrow. Listen, you can help me if you like, it's quite fun, I'm getting better, I can do patterns and bobbles and all sorts of things now."

"Er... no, I don't think I will, thanks. Er — not tomorrow. I've got loads of homework to do... why don't you ask Mel? I still have the hat she gave me, she was getting quite good..."

"Nope, sorry," Mel got up and made her way over to the twins and Ron. "Too busy, got loads to do..."

She felt something warming up on her pocket and pulled it out. She smiled down at the watch on her hand, a message glowing on it.

'Sunday, 5 pm'

"Anything interesting?"

"No, just some guff about the bass player in the Weird Sisters getting married... Wait a moment– Oh no... Sirius!"

Mel dropped her fork.

"What now?"

"What's happened?" Harry took the paper so violently it ripped in half.

"'The Ministry of Magic has received a tip-off from a reliable source that Sirius Black, notorious mass murderer... blah blah blah... is currently hiding in London!"

"Lucius Malfoy, I'll bet anything," said Harry. "He did recognize Sirius on the platform..."

"What? You didn't say —"

"Oh no– if they saw him in the platform that means they saw him with my mother!" Mel realized in horror.

"...'Ministry warns Wizarding community that Black is very dangerous... killed thirteen people... broke out of Azkaban...' the usual rubbish– Well, he just won't be able to leave the house again, that's all. Dumbledore did warn him not to."

"Poor Snuffles, he'll go crazy..."

"Hey! Look at this!" Harry gave a start.

"I've got all the robes I want," said Ron, glancing to what Harry was showing him.

"No, look... this little piece here..."

TRESPASS AT MINISTRY

Sturgis Podmore, 38, of number two, Laburnum Gardens, Clapham, has appeared in front of the Wizengamot charged with trespass and attempted robbery at the Ministry of Magic on 31st August. Podmore was arrested by Ministry of Magic watch- wizard Eric Munch, who found him attempting to force his way through a top-security door at one o'clock in the morning. Podmore, who refused to speak in his own defence, was convicted on both charges and sentenced to six months in Azkaban.

"Sturgis Podmore? but he's that bloke who looks like his head's been thatched, isn't he? He's one of the Ord —"

"Ron, shh!"

"Six months in Azkaban! Just for trying to get through a door!" Harry exclaimed.

"Don't be silly, it wasn't just for trying to get through a door — what on earth was he doing at the Ministry of Magic at one o'clock in the morning?"

"D'you reckon he was doing something for the Order?"

"Wait a moment... Sturgis was supposed to come and see us off, remember? Yeah, he was supposed to be part of our guard going to King's Cross, remember? And Moody was all annoyed because he didn't turn up, so that doesn't seem like he was supposed to be on a job for them, does it?"

"Well, maybe they didn't expect him to get caught."

"It could be a frame-up!" Ron exclaimed. "No — listen! The Ministry suspects he's one of Dumbledore's lot so — I dunno — they lured him to the Ministry, and he wasn't trying to get through a door at all! Maybe they've just made something up to get him!"

"Do you know, I wouldn't be at all surprised if that were true," Hermione shook her head. "Right, well, I think we should tackle that essay for Sprout on Self-Fertilizing Shrubs first, and if we're lucky we'll be able to start McGonagall's Inanimatus Conjurus before lunch..."

"We've got Quidditch Ron and I," Harry hurried to say.

"You can come with me, 'Mione," Mel told her. "I'm going to meet Erick in the library, anyway..."

But as soon as she said it she wanted to take it back. The idea didn't feel as appealing as going alone. She decided to bail on it and find another day to meet him in private.

"Hang on– it just came to me– I... I have to do something," She got up, picking up her bag. "Apologize to Erick for me, won't you? Tell him I'll meet him next week..."

"Oh," Hermione's smiled faltered a bit. "All right, I have a few questions about charms, maybe he knows..."

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked as she joined them.

"Don't ask, keep walking," She said. "I don't feel like studying, that's all."

"If I didn't know you any better, I'd say you're getting tired of your study sessions..."

"I would never," Mel frowned. "I know what you're trying to suggest, but you're wrong. Now shut up and keep going."

Harry nodded silently, not wanting to ruin the moment.

"Wish I had your dedication," Ron told her. "The schoolwork isn't killing you. I mean, we can do it tonight and we've got tomorrow. Hermione's the one that gets too worked up about work, that's her problem... D'you think she meant it when she said we weren't copying from her?"

"Yeah, I do. Still, this is important too, we've got to practice if we want to stay on the Quidditch team..."

"Yeah, that's right– And we have got plenty of time to do it all..."

"And you've got me– not that I'm going to give you the answers just like that, but you know, I'm clever and all..." Mel shrugged.

"Well..." Harry looked at her when they reached the dressing room. "See you in a minute..."

Mel nodded shortly before walking to the stands. What was happening to her? She didn't know how to act around anyone anymore. Didn't feel like herself, always bottling up every emotion...

She spotted Malfoy and his team waiting to see the newest Gryffindor addition. Ron had a very thin ego and they couldn't afford to lose him on the very first day.

"What's that Weasley's riding?" Malfoy called as the Gryffindor lot walked out of the dressing room. "Why would anyone put a Flying Charm on a mouldy old log like that?"

"Don't get involved..." Mel mumbled under her breath.

"Hey, Johnson, what's with that hairstyle anyway?" Pansy Parkinson yelled. "Why would anyone want to look like they've got worms coming out of their head?"

The Slytherins hadn't noticed her since she was a few seats behind them, and she didn't want them to, they were bound to tease her and she needed to stay out of trouble.

On his third attempt, Ron caught the Quaffle; perhaps out of relief he passed it on so enthusiastically that it soared straight through Katie's outstretched hands and hit her hard in the face.

"Sorry!" Ron groaned, zooming forward to see whether he had done any damage.

"Get back in position, she's fine!" barked Angelina. "But as you're passing to a teammate, do try not to knock her off her broom, won't you? We've got Bludgers for that!"

Katie's nose was bleeding. Down below the Slytherins were stamping their feet and jeering. Fred and George converged on Katie.

"Okay, maybe..." Mel started, "maybe I'll get involved just a little..."

The lot was now singing 'Gryffindor are losers, Gryffindor are losers,' and many things happened at once: First, directly from her palm, a bunch of red sparks burst and surrounded the Slytherins with an explosion. They covered their faces and jumped out of their seats, trying to put them down. Mel gasped and covered her mouth in shock, she hadn't intended to do that, but there was nothing she could do now.

Back in the Quidditch field, Katie was bleeding profusely, and Angelina stopped the practice to take her to the infirmary. Pansy turned around and spotted Mel, pointing an accusing finger at her.

"You!"

She smiled as innocently as possible. "What's wrong?"

Pansy pulled out her wand and Mel stood up, her smile fading.

"Do it– See what happens, dear prefect, once the teachers find out you attacked an unarmed student."

"You attacked first," She snarled, the rest of her classmates had scattered away, though the firecrackers followed them around.

"Did I?" Mel leaned closer and jumped over the seats that kept them apart, one row after the other. When she was finally in front of her, she added, "Prove it."

No one knew she could do wandless magic. Not to mention that when Pansy asked her to empty her pockets –'prefect orders,' she'd sneered– there was nothing but a pocket watch.

Far from feeling ashamed, a wave of power hit her. No one had to know, and as long as she kept a low profile and a sweet attitude, she could make Pansy and Malfoy's lives an actual hell.

The twins approached the next day when they found out she was the only one near enough the Slytherins to set them on fire. Nothing bad happened to them, but it sure scared them off, and they weren't planning on going back to the training sessions any time soon.

Mel liked the twins' praising and she spent the rest of the day with them, leaving Ron and Harry to do their homework alone.

As a consequence of this, many students approached her. Now that she wasn't around Harry so much they seemed to think she had more common sense than expected. Not that she was talking rubbish about Harry, but she was definitely more likeable when she wasn't attacking others in order to defend him. That without mentioning she was far less loud and dramatic than years prior.

She went back to the common room that night with a bunch of new friends, even better, friends from different houses. Ron didn't like that, he was upset because she hadn't been there to help him as she'd promised. His anger only got worse when he received a letter from his older brother.

"Well," Harry said jokingly once they finished reading it, "if you want to — er — what is it? Oh yeah — 'sever ties' with me, I swear I won't get violent."

"Give it back," He snatched the letter. "He is —the world's biggest git." Ron ripped the letter into small pieces and threw them in the fire. "Come on, we've got to get this finished sometime before dawn..."

"I wonder what rubbish is the Daily Prophet writing now," Mel said absently.

"Oh, give them here," Hermione said abruptly, taking the boy's homework.

"What?"

"Give them to me, I'll look through them and correct them."

"Are you serious? Ah, Hermione, you're a lifesaver, what can I — ?"

"What you can say is, 'We promise we'll never leave our homework this late again,'– Where are you going, Mel? You promised you'd help them too. Sit down."

Mel groaned, but she took Harry's paper and started to review it.

"Thanks a million, girls," said Harry, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, shut up," Mel grumbled. "Don't interrupt me or I'll mess it up."

"Hermione, you are honestly the most wonderful person I've ever met, and if I'm ever rude to you again —"

"— I'll know you're back to normal," said Hermione.

"Harry, you really have to pay attention to the things you... Harry?" Mel looked at the boy, who was now crouching next to the fireplace.

"Er — Harry?" said Ron. "Why are you down there?"

"Because I've just seen Sirius's head in the fire."

"What?" Mel dropped to her knees as well, pushing the essay aside.

"Sirius's head? You mean like when he wanted to talk to you during the Triwizard Tournament? But he wouldn't do that now, it would be too — Sirius!" Hermione squealed.

"I was starting to think you'd go to bed before everyone else had disappeared," The man grinned. "I've been checking every hour."

"You've been popping into the fire every hour?" Harry laughed.

"Just for a few seconds to check if the coast was clear yet."

"But what if you'd been seen?" said Hermione in horror.

"Well, I think a girl — first year by the look of her — might've got a glimpse of me earlier, but don't worry, I was gone the moment she looked back at me and I'll bet she just thought I was an oddly shaped log or something."

"But Sirius, this is taking an awful risk —"

"You sound like Molly– This was the only way I could come up with of answering Harry's letter without resorting to a code — and codes are breakable."

"You impulsive piece of– You... you..." Mel stammered.

"All that you're wishing to call me, Emily has called me twice already this week," He shook his head. "It's fine, I swear, I just wanted to reply to Harry's letter."

"You didn't say you'd written to Sirius!" said Hermione.

"I forgot! Don't look at me like that, Hermione, there was no way anyone would have got secret information out of it, was there, Sirius?"

"No, it was very good," said the man with a proud smile. "Anyway, we'd better be quick, just in case we're disturbed — your scar. Well, I know it can't be fun when it hurts, but we don't think it's anything to really worry about. It kept aching all last year, didn't it?"

"Yeah, and Dumbledore said it happened whenever Voldemort was feeling a powerful emotion, so maybe he was just, I dunno, really angry or something the night I had that detention."

"Well, now he's back it's bound to hurt more often."

"So you don't think it had anything to do with Umbridge touching me when I was in detention with her?"

"I doubt it. I know her by reputation and I'm sure she's no Death Eater —"

"She's foul enough to be one..."

"Yes, but the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. I know she's a nasty piece of work, though — you should hear Remus talk about her."

"Does Lupin know her?"

"No, but she drafted a bit of anti-werewolf legislation two years ago that makes it almost impossible for him to get a job."

"She called him a half-breed during class! I had to bite my tongue to not yell at her!" Mel scolded.

"What's she got against werewolves?" said Hermione.

"Scared of them, I expect. Apparently, she loathes part-humans; she campaigned to have merpeople rounded up and tagged last year too. Imagine wasting your time and energy persecuting merpeople when there are little toerags like Kreacher on the loose —"

"Sirius!" Hermione said reproachfully. "Honestly, if you made a bit of an effort with Kreacher I'm sure he'd respond, after all, you are the only member of his family he's got left, and Professor Dumbledore said —"

"So what are Umbridge's lessons like? Is she training you all to kill half-breeds?"

"No, she's not letting us use magic at all!"

"All we do is read the stupid textbook," said Ron.

"Ah, well, that figures. Our information from inside the Ministry is that Fudge doesn't want you trained in combat."

"Trained in combat? What does he think we're doing here, forming some sort of wizard army?"

"That's exactly what he thinks you're doing," said Sirius, "or rather, that's exactly what he's afraid Dumbledore's doing — forming his own private army, with which he will be able to take on the Ministry of Magic. Mel leading the group, of course."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, including all the stuff that Luna Lovegood comes out with. Certainly, Mel's good enough to lead the class but to lead an army? That's crazy!"

"So we're being prevented from learning Defense Against the Dark Arts because Fudge is scared we'll use spells against the Ministry?" said Hermione in outrage.

"Yep. Fudge thinks Dumbledore will stop at nothing to seize power. He's getting more paranoid about Dumbledore by the day. It's a matter of time before he has Dumbledore arrested on some trumped-up charge."

Mel remembered her talk with Dumbledore. In a way, he was training her as if she was going to lead an army, but the mere idea was crazy! He'd said it himself, Mel wasn't supposed to take his place, he just wanted her to be better.

"D'you know if there's going to be anything about Dumbledore in the Daily Prophet tomorrow? Only Ron's brother Percy reckons there will be —"

"I don't know, I haven't seen anyone from the Order all weekend, they're all busy. It's just been Kreacher, Emily and me here..."

"So you haven't had any news about Hagrid, either?"

"Ah... well, he was supposed to be back by now, no one's sure what's happened to him– But Dumbledore's not worried, so don't you four get yourselves in a state; I'm sure Hagrid's fine."

"But if he was supposed to be back by now..." said Hermione.

"Madame Maxime was with him, we've been in touch with her and she says they got separated on the journey home — but there's nothing to suggest he's hurt or — well, nothing to suggest he's not perfectly okay. Listen, don't go asking too many questions about Hagrid, it'll just draw even more attention to the fact that he's not back, and I know Dumbledore doesn't want that. Hagrid's tough, he'll be okay. When's your next Hogsmeade weekend anyway? I was thinking, we got away with the dog disguise at the station, didn't we? I thought I could —"

"NO!" They said altogether.

"Sirius, didn't you see the Daily Prophet?" said Hermione anxiously.

"Oh that," Sirius, grinned, "they're always guessing where I am, they haven't really got a clue —"

"Yeah, but we think this time they have," said Harry. "Something Malfoy said on the train made us think he knew it was you, and his father was on the platform, Sirius — you know, Lucius Malfoy — so don't come up here, whatever you do, if Malfoy recognizes you again —"

"All right, all right, I've got the point! Just an idea, thought you might like to get together —"

"I would, I just don't want you chucked back in Azkaban!" said Harry.

"...You're less like your father than I thought," he said coldly. "The risk would've been what made it fun for James."

"That's not fair, Sirius, now you're in danger—" Mel started, but he ignored her.

"Well, I'd better get going, I can hear Emily -or maybe Kreacher, dunno- coming down the stairs. I'll write to tell you a time I can make it back into the fire, then, shall I? If you can stand to risk it?"

"Oh, get out," Mel huffed.

Sirius vanished with a pop, and Mel carefully turned to Harry.

"Don't listen to him, Glas–" She stopped before they nickname could fully leave her mouth. "Harry. He's just throwing a tantrum."

Harry let out a heavy sigh, stood up and grabbed his essay.

"Thanks for the help. I... I appreciate it."

He went to bed after that.

'MINISTRY SEEKS EDUCATIONAL REFORM

DOLORES UMBRIDGE APPOINTED FIRST-EVER "HIGH INQUISITOR"'

Mel visibly deflated on her seat, wondering if this was just another nightmare.

"So now we know how we ended up with Umbridge! Fudge passed this 'Educational Decree' and forced her on us! And now he's given her the power to inspect other teachers! I can't believe this. It's outrageous..." Hermione started.

"I know it is," growled Harry.

"Oh, I can't wait to see McGonagall inspected," Ron said happily. "Umbridge won't know what's hit her."

"I..." Mel shook her head. "I don't even know what to say..."

"That must be a first," said Hermione, "we'd better get going if she's inspecting Binns's class we don't want to be late..."

Umbridge did not inspect any of their morning classes, and Mel was surprised to see an E on her potions essay, graded as if it were her actual O.W.L. examination, which did nothing but to boost her ego even more than her little trick with the fireworks. Hermione was still talking about it with their friends during lunch.

"So top grade's O for 'Outstanding,'" she was saying, "and then there's A —"

"No, E– E for 'Exceeds Expectations.' And I've always thought Fred and I should've got E in everything because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams."

"So after E, it's A for 'Acceptable,' and that's the last pass grade, isn't it?"

"Yep," said Fred.

"Then you get P for 'Poor' and D for 'Dreadful.' "

"And then T," George reminded Ron.

"T?" asked Hermione. "Even lower than a D? What on earth does that stand for?"

" 'Troll,' " said George.

"You lot had an inspected lesson yet?" Fred asked once everyone stopped laughing.

"No," said Hermione with interest, "have you?"

"Just now, before lunch," said George. "Charms."

"What was it like?"

"Not that bad. Umbridge just lurked in the corner making notes on a clipboard. You know what Flitwick's like, he treated her like a guest, didn't seem to bother him at all. She didn't say much. Asked Alicia a couple of questions about what the classes are normally like, Alicia told her they were really good, that was it."

"I can't see old Flitwick getting marked down," said George, "he usually gets everyone through their exams all right."

"Who've you got this afternoon?" Fred asked.

"Trelawney —"

"A T if ever I saw one —"

"— and Umbridge herself."

"Well, be a good boy and keep your temper with Umbridge today. Angelina'll do her nut if you miss any more Quidditch practices."

"Don't worry about that," Harry gave her a sort of sour look. "Mel will take care of that."

The girl barely looked up from her plate to glare at him, that particular morning she didn't feel like fighting, not after the way Sirius had talked to him.

Next Chapter —>

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